#i’ll get a good flow then boom lose all motivation to finish

[vampykween]

im so tempted to post some drafts that aren’t totally perfect or as finished as i want but if i let them sit any longer they will never see the light of day :(

[unreachablevoice]

Oneshot? Daminette Oneshot!

OKay, you see, I’ve been reeaaallly wanting to write about people crying for a while now for some reason (don’t ask me why I legit don’t even know). So I thought, why not make a oneshot? So BOOM! here it is! (even though I should've been writing my other Daminette and/or Maribat fics)

Anyway, I just learned that writing about people crying SUCKS! Like, why is it so effing hard???? Why did no one warn me about this??? (I mean I should’ve seen it coming either way because EVeRYTHING ABOUT WRITING is hard). So I am very sorry in advance if this isn’t as good as it... whatever it is??? hahahaha because I gotta tell you, I just did this on a whim because WRITER’S BLOCK! THAT DUDE IS SO ANNOYING!!!

Oh and you know, I’m not sure if this is considered angst? Angst with Happy Ending?... So I just researched about it and asked ma chérie belle and she said yes? But I’m still not sure so I’m just going to tag it as one.

Anywho, umm the first part of my Daminette Age Gap AU just received 400 loves (that’s what I want to call it cuz I think it’s cute leave me be!) so let’s just say that the sole purpose of this oneshot is to satisfy my craving for crying stuff and to celebrate those 400 loves (thank god for convenient coincidences) that I received from you wonderful peeps!!!!

Enjoy~!

Warning: Swearing and cuss words are present. Please read with caution, thank you!

I’m Not Scared Of Anything, But Losing You Would Be Terrifying

Cruising down the alleyway with his Father right beside him in his Batmobile, the sirens of police cars rang in his ears.  

They had received a call from Commissioner Gordon not too long ago, saying how Scarecrow had escaped from Arkham and is causing havoc in a café somewhere. It would’ve been fine to just leave it with the GCPD and a few from their team but some reported that he was making a new concoction of his Fear Gas. Something much more intense.

Skidding to a stop, he takes off his helmet and walks to where his Father and the police were conversing.  

“Robin.” the Dark Knight nods to him as he places himself next to his looming figure.

Crossing the police tape and getting inside the café, Robin comes face to face with Scarecrow. A gun in his hand, pointing at the hostages as he laughs maniacally.  

“Scarecrow!” Batman calls from beside him, “Enough is enough! Let them go!”  

The villain throws his head back and laughs loudly, earning a snarl from both of the vigilantes.

“You see, dear Batman,” —Scarecrow raises his gun— “I’ve been wanting to try my new experiment.” he smirks at them and cocks his gun with his other hand.  

“And you’re just the right person for the job.”

Not a second after, his goons began ambushing them.  

Three goons began to circle him with their guns in hand and a demented smile on their face. If he hadn’t seen Scarecrow command them himself, he might’ve thought that the Joker was the one leading the attack.

With quick work with his Batarangs, he swiftly flings their guns out of their grasps.  

Seeing as how they’re disarmed; one goon throws a punch to his face. Robin’s hand immediately shots out and blocks his punch and twists it in a direction he was sure was not possible an arm could handle.

The goon screams in anguish, which gives Robin a momentum to punch him square in the face with his free hand and watches as the goon's nose drip with blood.  

Dropping the now passed out goon, he turns to the other two goons and kneels down and pulls out a Bo Staff.  

Letting out a battle cry, he lunges at them and whacks them to their side, which throws them to a few tables. The sound of cracks bringing satisfaction to his ears.

Finishing the goons, he turns to Scarecrow and sees him still sporting that smug smirk on his face. What’s his motive? Why is he still smiling even though they’re practically beating up his henchmen?

They briefly catch each other’s eyes and the villain’s smile grows even wider.

Robin scowls at the villain and readies himself in a battle stance.

Without even having the chance to take a step forward, Scarecrow raises his gun and shoots at his direction.  

Quickly sidestepping the bullet, he looks back at the villain, “You should really work on your aim.”

Scarecrow smirks at him mockingly, “Was I really aiming for you?”

What?

He looks behind him and sees a tank of Scarecrow’s Fear Gas punctured by his bullet.

Holy shit.

His eyes widen and he reaches to his utility belt to pull out a gas mask, but before he was able to put it on his face, a goon tackles him to the ground. Causing him to loosen his grip on the said mask.

“Fuck!” he mutters as he tries to wrestle free from the goon’s hold. “Get off me!”  

As he struggles to be free, he feels the mist cloud his vision. Blurring his surroundings and making everything indistinguishable.

“Get up!” he hears someone yell at his ears and the goon that was holding onto him disappears.  

He abruptly stands and closes his eyes shut. Clenching his jaw, he reminds himself that none of what he’ll see is real. To dismiss everything and pay it no mind because they are not real.

His breath becomes ragged and his heart thunders against his chest as he hears voices around him.  

‘None of this is real!’ he chants to himself and covers his ears.

The sounds slowly began dissipating and everything went quiet. Too quiet.  

“Damian!” an angelic voice suddenly cuts through the silence and calls out to him.

‘Habibti?’

He slowly and warily opens his eyes and is immediately met with a different environment.

Gone was the café he was previously in; he was now in a park surrounded by trees and some benches on the side. The sun was also shining brightly and the birds were chirping. Everything seemed perfect. Too perfect.

He looks down at himself and sees that he’s no longer wearing his Robin uniform but regular civilian clothing.  

‘What am I doing here?’

“Listen to me!” the sweet voice calls out to him again.

“Wha—?”  

“Look at me!” the voice shouts again and he feels his every being shake. Making him lose his balance and fall on the floor.  

“Marinette?” he calls out and looks around. Where was she?

Whipping his head around, he is immediately met with a mop of blue-black hair.

Relief floods his whole being as he stands up and goes over to her, “Hey, I’m here,” he smiles and reaches for her hand.

“No!” Marinette shouts and slaps his hand away. Only then did he notice that her comforting gaze had turned into a sharp glare. Her beautiful blue bell orbs gone as a dark sapphire blue filled with anger replaced it. Why was she looking at him like that? Had he done something wrong?

“H-Habibti—?”

“Stop calling me that!” he winces at her tone and Marinette’s scowl deepens. Her hands ball into fists that he was afraid she’d cut her skin with her nails.  

“W-What are you—?” he hastily reaches out to her once more.

“SHUT UP!” she shouts and everything shook again. Her face, still sporting that scowl, looks at him with disgust.

“I can’t believe I ever dated you,” she spat and steps back.

Damian recoils as though he’s been slapped in the face. He feels a twinge in his chest as though his heart has been pinched and punctured. No, please. She's the only thing that stayed in his life, don’t let her go now. Please.

“Marinette,” he calls as his hands reach out to her again, in to which Marinette avoided in distaste.  

Seeing how angry and disgusted she looked at him made something inside of him shatter. Was he that horrible to make her not want him touch to her? Was he that disgusting?

“Mari—”

“I can’t even stand to look at you right now.” he flinches as though he just received a punch to his gut. He wanted nothing more than to scoop her in his arms and cry and ask what he’d done wrong, but he can’t do that when she’s sneering at him with abhorrence.  

“I hate you, Damian,” she glowers in that tone that he hated so much. The one that he never wanted to be directed at him. But now it was.

He drops down to his knees and crawls to her feet, “I’m sorry,” he cries out.

Tears began to pool at the corner of his eyes. “I’m sorry,” he repeats in a strangled voice. But Marinette won’t even look at him anymore.  

“W-Whatever it was, I’m sorry,” he choked out as he pleaded at her feet.  

Marinette kicked at his hand away and seethed, “Don’t touch me,” she hissed as though his touch was dirty. He was dirty.

“I don’t ever want to see you again,” he blanches at her statement. His hands shook as big blobs of tears drip down his face. His heart beating sporadically as his ears rang with how everything seems to sound louder.

“Plea—”

“We’re through.”  

Everything felt numb. He couldn’t feel anything, couldn’t hear anything. Just that phrase repeating itself over and over again in his head. More tears began flowing down his face and he felt like he could drown, like he couldn’t breathe.

He couldn’t believe that he’d one day hear those words. That those pink lips, those very same lips that he would kiss senselessly, would say that to him.

Marinette glares at him one last time and walks away, leaving him with his despair and depression eating him up.

He had always wished that this day would never come. But not all wishes come true. And now, he’s watching as the girl of his dreams, the love of his life, his girlfriend for four years leaves him. Leaves him and never comes back.

“P-Please,” he sobs as he reaches out to her disappearing form. “I promise, I’ll do better. Please, just don’t leave me.”  

He stands up and attempts to run after her. But he couldn’t. Hands were holding onto him and stopping him from running after the bluenette. Feeling like the whole world was against it. Like they wanted to see him suffer.

“No!” he shouts and thrashes around, trying to get the hands, that bound him to where he stood, off. Why were they so against it? So against him? Did the world really not want him to be happy?

“Please,” he wails and just stands there, letting his tears fall as the world takes away the only thing that made him feel free.  

He stood there and broke down as he watched his love disappear from his world; from his life. He cries out and screams shamelessly as he mourns for her dying love for him. As he hears and feels his own heart break from her rejection.

And he feels it. Feels their stares. Feels the whole world taunting him on how he just lost the only person who’d stayed by his side and accepted him. Making fun of how they knew he couldn’t do anything about it. How he was powerless.

He shuts his eyes tight and slides to the ground, wishing that this was all just a dream...

No.

This is not a dream. Because dreams are beautiful.  

This is a nightmare.

As he sits there and cries for Marinette, he feels a small prick on the back of his neck. And another. And a third. Then the slight cloudiness of his mind disappears as everything went black.  

————————

Fluttering his eyes open, Damian is met with a white ceiling and warmness on his face as the sunlight crept through the window.  

He lets out a groan and rubs the side of his head.  

‘Where am I?’

Roaming his eyes to check where he was, a flash of recognition comes across his green orbs. He was in his room. How?  

A soft click resounded from the door and captures his attention as a blue-black blur emerges, seeming to be whispering with something at the door.

‘What’s going on?’

He rubs at his eyes and groans again. Everything was bleary and his mouth felt rough and dry. What was he doing here? Back in his room? Wasn’t he at a café before?

“Dami?” he flinches at the voice and feels a warm sensation on his forehead.  

‘What is this?’

Damian reaches up to the warm... thing on his forehead and grasps it, trying to feel what it was. Was it... a hand? Why was there a hand touching his forehead? Wasn't he alone in his room?

Furrowing his eyebrows, he looks up to see a black—kind of blue—blob?... What the fuck?! Wha—What is this? What exactly is he seeing right now?

He raises his arm and tries to grab at the blueish black blob. And by grab, he meant fight. He was fighting to get the hand on his forehead off. Fighting to reach for the blue-black blob.

“Dove, calm down,” the blob speaks as it holds on to both of his hands to steady them. “It’s just me.”

Suddenly, his eyesight began clearing. The blurry things that he was seeing were no more, everything began getting clearer.  

The blue-black blob that he was trying to fight (and he was definitely not losing) was finally turning comprehensible.

His eyes widen at the thing—correction, person in front of him. His breath hitching and his heart beating against his chest as he stares at those familiar blue bell eyes.

“Habibti?”  

Marinette smiles softly at him. That same smile she always used to tell him that everything is all right. That smile that always seemed to make him feel calm, no matter the situation.  

“Yes, it’s me.”

Damian chokes out a sob and feels his tears pour down his cheeks again. He reaches out to her and buries his face on her chest, trying to relish the feeling as he was afraid that everything—that this might just be a dream.  

“Oh, dear.” he hears her mutter and feels her hand pat his head and smoothen his dark locks of hair. And it eased him a little. Made him feel that he was not hallucinating and that he was safe.  

“I heard what happened,” she says in that tone, that voice that sounds so soft and caring that it made him cry harder. “Your brothers said that you inhaled Scarecrow’s new concoction of Fear Toxin and that it was so strong, they had to triple the dosage of the antidote.”

Marinette continues to rub circles on his back and cradle him back and forth as he continues to cry. Making him feel like he was a child, safe in his beloved's arms.  

“I wish I could have been there,” she whispers and holds him tighter. Something that made him feel safe and away from the world, even if her arms were dainty and delicate. “Could have helped you.”

Damian feels his emotions and cries come back tenfold as he remembers what he saw when he was still influenced by the Fear Toxin. How hurt and devastated he was. How his whole world fell apart.  

“I-I thought—” he hiccups, “—you were going to leave me.” he sobs harder and feels the spot on her shirt where he was crying go wet.

“No.” she pulls away from him just a bit and looks at his face, “I will never leave you.” her voice so raw with emotion, so sincere that it made him cry and thank whoever was up there that they are together.

She reaches up to his face and caresses his cheek, “I love you.” she smiles and kisses his forehead. Her lips so soft against his skin that he sometimes wondered if he just so much as to touch it the wrong way, would it tear open and bleed a pretty red color?

“I love you too.” he croaks out as he feels his voice go hoarse with all the crying. God, if his brothers could see him now, they’d for sure tease him for the rest of his life.

————————

OMAKE: 

Marinette – *is lying down with Damian tucked in her arms* Wanna tell me about it?

Damian – ...It was terrifying.

Marinette – I thought you said you were fearless?

Damian – *pouting* I am! But that was seriously horrifying!

Marinette – Don’t you mean SCAREy?

Damian – UGH

Marinette – HAHAHAHA XD

Damian – You have got to stop hanging out with Grayson

————————

Edit: Okay, I forgot that I was suppose to tag people.. sorry ^^; and uh I’m still not sure on how to do this whole tagging thing so I’m sorry if I missed some people 

Tags:

@thornalchemist23

@abrx2002

@k-poplunardreams

@joejoejodee

[gretaes-blog1]

yup !  i’m nearly the last one to post my intro i think ( ︶⌒︶ ) took five naps.. head going boom boom. but hello!!!!!!!! i’m jay , i’m twenny one and livin breathin the eastern timezone. i am very excited to introduce u my baby greta. my intro will not do her justice but i hope time will. if i haven’t imed u already pleeeeeeeeeeease reach out to me ( even if u are stuck on plots ) we’ll brainstorm something really good. i’ll be switching between ims and my discord ๑•ૅㅁ•๑#4035 for convenience. i promise to get to everything as soon as i can. ill say the end cause i never know how to end those byeeee

𝐡𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠  here  and  do  i  have  the  tea  for  you  .  greta  is  back  on  campus  ,  which  is  surprising  considering  the  threatening  note  i  left  them  .  yes  ,  i  know  all  about how she hides her sexuality to maintain a relationship with her conservative family because  of  their  greed  .  imagine  the  tabloids  and  how  the  navarro  family  would  feel  for  such  information  to  come  out  ,  not  to  mention  the  reputation  of  kappa  because  of  their  actions  .  at  this  rate  , she  is  better  off  staying  put  in  palo alto  ,  california  and  living  off  that 7.9b  family  net  worth  .  what’s  the  point  in  studying  pharmaceutical  science with  plans  to  create  accessible  healthcare  ,  is  it  worth  it  with  what  i  know  ?  anyways  ,  they  may  want  to  continue  to  be  ambitious  &  reliable  because  the  domineering  & sarcastic  attributes  make  me  want  to  spill  .  (  alexa demie  ,  j  ,  est  )  .

family ties 

the name navarro has definitely been painted gold for a while. greta is the child bruno navarro who was passed down his fortune of nava pharmaceuticals - an internationally recognized healthcare company which deals with pharmaceutical merchandise and diagnostics 

she has two brothers which would’ve undeniably been first in line to take their father’s place if they played their cards right

her mother was an ambassador for the company but her voice always meant very little. she never complained though.. being ambassador meant long business trips to places she would never get a chance to visit and live a lavish life without being too burdened 

greta was awfully competitive though and never let herself be thrown to the side. the female roles instilled in her brain seemed like a waste of time and she wanted to be the best , especially in things that others told her she wouldn’t be 

when she was little, it was about the adrenaline of proving everyone wrong but when she got older, she realised her need to succeed and be seen was more deep rooted than that. it wasn’t unusual for greta to feel alien to her parents but seeing as all her private school friends could relate, it didn’t bother her too much. it was the values instilled in her family that were a harder pill to swallow

at the dinner table, greta had to listen to slurs thrown left and right at people who didn’t fit into their conservative agenda. she had to sit through an hour of her father chanting about gender roles and sickening politics that put everyone , except his own empire , at the bottom of the food chain. they knew their power and the only goal was unwavering cash flow

and that is about the only thing greta and her family had in common. her GREED. although her morals didn’t align with the values of her father , her eyes were set on the price. breaking the tradition of men owning their biggest investment and becoming the chief officer of nava pharmaceuticals. and if biting her tongue and faking a smile meant knocking the king over from the top of the food chain then.... CHEck MATE Bitch <3 

but obviously, its not easy living under pressure. especially when the reality is so far from the mask u wear to get what u want

meet greta

under that mask is a greta that is the complete opposite of what her father painted her out to be. she is independent, sometimes even selfish . she is strong and brilliant. she’s determined and ambitious . she challenges herself , she’s eager to excel, to be more than the best. she wants to surprise people with the extend of what she’s capable of. i honestly don’t think greta has even dreamed of what she wants to achieve yet ????? but she knows she has a deep yearning for it. the feeling of bliss and a peace of mind when you’ve gotten everything u worked so hard for.

unfortunately, it’s important to take time and recenter urself from time to time in the chaos of striving for perfection. greta has lost that ability and often impulsively runs off the tracks. u won’t ever see her tripping over her feet at the party but u will probably catch her lying about the amount of alcohol she had if u are sober enough to notice. she’ll let u unbutton her shirt, only if u promise not to tell. she’ll tell u she’s okay and she thinks she is even if she really isn’t 

greta was good in everything except in love. it was hard for her to entertain one night stands unless she had steam to blow off , she always had something more productive to do. she’d lie in bed and battle those thoughts, wondering if she’s only making excuses .... after all , she’s a pretty girl. but those who got to taste her cherry lips were always left with the memory they were told not to share with anyone. she would always find excuses, letting good things pass her by. she didn’t know then what was causing her scattered affection. but it was often because in order to know what u want, u can’t censor thoughts and treat them as distractions. greta has always treated romance as a distraction and consequently, she never let herself reflect on what makes her happy for too long. but, of course , sleepless nights would often lead to her having to face herself. truly. she would think about the people she considers her friends and how she hopes she doesn’t lose them in the process, she daydreams about the future and freedom to speak her mind even when the voice in her head tells her not to. and she thinks about girls..... a lot 

greta hasn’t thought about it enough to put her sexuality on a spectrum. she knows she’s dated boys and she liked it. but, it’s also the only thing she’s known. having her family instil in her brain that being attracted to the same sex is not right and knowing that she needs to play her cards right to be considered worthy of the fortune, it was settled. she would dig a hole in the ground and bury those thoughts deep down under. knowing that if her family finds out she’s been with girls or even felt attracted to them????? her dreams would be crushed and she would be lucky to still sit at the dinner table. 

she battles those thoughts and often gets caught up in them. kissing girls in places where nobody sees and keeping it a secret or turning to lying, saying they’re pathetic for falling for it. basically being a shitty person because she knows there is no way she could ever get away with it??? safe to say, having to feel guilty for the things u cannot change, doesn’t make her the happiest kid on the playground and with knowing how word travels fast, it makes her paranoid to even consider risking her future for that. she continues to strive for perfection instead of wholeness :/

on a lighter note.... she obviously studies pharmaceutical sciences. she sees a future for the company that her father fails to acknowledge. her father doesn’t know it but she aims to take the empathic route and use her fortune for a better cause.. to help make healthcare accessible for all. she’s got the fattttttest heart i tell u and believes in good karma. 

i said this in the app and ill say it again........... Loves cheese bread. honestly bribe her with cheesy bread i dare u. it will work (  almost always )

runs track.... Just as good at this one as she is in running away from all her problems. Stellar performance

reads those motivational books.. ( yup. those ) 

studies hard. really will study all night and fall asleep with a notepad on her face and highlighter stain on her forehead. again, anywhere where she has to compete for first place, she will do anything to get that first place. and if she doesnt ???????? shes a thunderstorm. angry music plays in the background. she storms off. lips pursed. and takes days to recover 

really loves mysteries. and crosswords. the process of figuring out how to get from point a to point b... thats greta. 

and if she doesnt focus and set boundaries in her head, she doesnt know where to finish. she is the most Opinionated bitch. like she has a strong opinion about everything. even whether tomato is a fruit or vegetable. like she knows its a vegetable. Ok? 

she’s the biggest know it all!!!!!! she won’t ever shake on anything and if it comes to it, she will stand by her words until she’s thought about it in her bed for days ( even made a list of rights and wrongs to weigh out how truly “””””’wrong””””” she is ) it’s hard for her to back down. of course.... she definitely is wrong sometimes even if she claims otherwise </3 

basically always a spitfire... always thinks shes right. and to be fair , she kind of always is. greta is stubborn and sarcastic. her facial expressions are transparent ( almost to a fault ) and she has an unwavering determination to be the best....at everything. she wants to be in control of everything in her life, unfortunately thats not always possible and that’s when greta finds herself feeling tense, paranoid and anxious. but she’s got a good head on her shoulders... she’s curious and easy to feel comfortable around even though she is bad tempered 

kind of stupid extras

neat freak..... bacteria be gone!!!!!!!!!!

always called her parents by their name

doesn’t really have a relationship with her brothers but its because they treat her as less and she will not have that so again keeps contact to a minimum and bites her tongue when need be 

pays attention to her nails.... really likes when theyre painted pretty 

has a butterfly necklace.. its a symbol she can relate to :)

here’s the pinterest !!

and the playlist !!!!!

and stats but theyre so bad. ill fix them later </3

       beep me reach me for the wanted connections page weeeeeeee 

[kyogre-blue]

Nanowrimo, day 7 (wc 1975)

Day 7 - Chapter 4, part 3

When Sinbad came to, he knew that things had worked out for them. Jumping down that cliff had been the right choice, in the end. Opening his eyes, he could see the why and how -- the towering, bulky figure of an Imuchakk man, keeping watch nearby. Just as he’d thought near the entrance, there had been two groups coming in ahead of them. 

It wasn’t just any Imuchakk either. It was Hinahoho. 

“Did you pull us out?” Sinbad asked, sitting up and shaking out his still damp limbs. “Thanks! But what are you doing in here?” 

Hinahoho jumped, his grip tightening on the red unicorn horn that had been made into a spear. “I… I just… “ he mumbled. “I wanted to prove my strength.” 

Propping his head up with one hand, Sinbad waited. 

“I… couldn’t beat the rampaging unicorn,” Hinahoho went on after a long moment. He reached up, rubbing at his long bangs and forehead -- absent of the thick blue headband he had received the night before. “I can’t call myself a warrior like this. But I thought, if I could beat a dungeon like you did, I could hold my head up and…” 

“You don’t hold back. Between a dungeon and a rampaging unicorn, there isn’t really a comparison,” Sinbad said. “If you made it this far, I’d say you deserve to call yourself a warrior.” Making it to the end, much less getting out, was a different matter. That was not something a warrior could accomplish -- only a king. 

But Hinahoho shook his head. “I don’t! I’m just… so scared. I don’t even know how I made it this far. How can you be so calm? Why did you even go in here, when you know what it’s like? You already have so much power, so why…” 

Why did he go into Valefor’s dungeon? 

Once you entered, there was only one way out, so the only answer was that Sinbad had decided to take Valefor’s power for himself. 

Why did he decide that, when he already had the power of a king? 

Maybe it was just greed. But maybe it was also that Alibaba had wanted to go in. Alibaba who had known where Valefor would be before they set out, well ahead of the dungeon actually appearing. Sinbad couldn’t read a single thing from him, but there had to be a reason they met. It couldn’t be anything except destiny. 

Yes, it was destiny. That’s why he was a special person. 

“Because I can see the flow of the future,” Sinbad said, smiling confidently. “I know I will succeed. I will survive, I will conquer this dungeon, and I will achieve my dream. It’s my destiny.” 

Hinahoho’s eyes widened, and Sinbad could tell his heart had been moved. Convincing others to believe in him was something Sinbad had always been good at. 

Just one more push. 

“It’s normal to be scared. Even having the power of djinn doesn’t change whether you’re afraid or not,” he added. After all, Alibaba had said the same thing -- that he was afraid to go alone, even having Amon’s power. “But that’s alright. All you need to do is follow me, and we’ll conquer this dungeon!”  

“Conquer the dungeon…” 

Slowly, Hinahoho dipped his head. Something almost invisible shifted in his entire bearing, as his resolve solidified. 

“Ready to go?” Sinbad said. 

“Yeah,” Hinahoho said, firmly. “I’ve gone a bit further, but I couldn’t figure out what to do. I’ll show you the way.” 

But before following him, there was something Sinbad needed to do. Reaching over, he was about to shake Alibaba’s shoulder, only to realize that he was already awake. Had been for a while, staring blankly up at the ceiling -- as he waited for their talk to end. 

Caught unexpectedly flatfooted, Sinbad cleared his throat. “I told you I had a plan,” he blurted out. 

“It was a terrible plan,” Alibaba shot back. “I’m not sure I can follow your kind of plans anymore.” 

“We’ll be fine,” Sinbad assured him. 

Alibaba hummed in acknowledgement, as they slowly followed after Hinahoho. “Yeah, we will,” he agreed. “But you know… I’m not sure that’s what he needed to hear.” 

Sinbad glanced at him in surprise, but there was no time to ask what he meant, as they caught up to Hinahoho and entered the next area. The next trial awaited. 

~.~ 

Countless doors dotted the cliff walls rising overhead, twisting stone paths leading to each one. And in the center -- a stone tablet, with a scant three lines of dot and cone writing. 

All but one of the doors were closed. Hinahoho shook his head. “I already tried that one,” he said. “But there’s nothing there. That’s why I doubled back and found you two.” He hesitated, glancing at Sinbad for guidance. “Did I miss anything…?” 

“I don’t think so,” Sinbad said. “It doesn’t feel like the right way to go.” 

That intuition of his was really something. 

“It’s not,” Alibaba confirmed, squinting at the upright tablet for a moment. “It says, ‘Cut the light and surround me in shadow. Then, the path to truth will open.’” 

“Then we need to make our shadows cover this thing,” Sinbad said. “Split up and stand in front of those glowing rocks, that should stretch our shadows out.”

As they moved to do just that, Hinahoho glanced at Alibaba curiously. “You can read that?” he asked. “It’s not like any writing I’ve ever seen.” 

“It’s not normal writing?” Sinbad, who couldn’t read to begin with, wondered. 

“No, it’s Tran,” Alibaba said. “It’s an ancient script. There was some in Amon’s dungeon too. Maybe the ones who made the dungeons used it.” The ones who had lived in the Necropolis in the center and left behind all that treasure. Alibaba couldn’t help wondering who they had been. If dungeons were in another dimension entirely, had they even been human? 

As the tablet had said, once it was covered by their shadows, another doorway opened with a grating rumble. 

“Let’s move quickly, those guys will catch up if we hang around too long,” Sinbad said. He smirked suddenly. “Although, I think we can take them, now that we have one more person.” 

He said it casually while mentally tallying up their odds, but Alibaba could see the way Hinahoho’s ears perked up and he snuck a look at Sinbad, as if not quite daring to believe it. Alibaba had to bite back an instinctive reassurance -- that they would have been a pair of drowned rats without him, that he was very strong, if he just believed in himself more, that they definitely appreciated his help and that having him on their side would tip the scales in their favor, if they had to clash with the Parthevian group again. 

Because that was what Alibaba would have needed to hear, in his place, which Sinbad had missed the mark on, earlier. 

Although Alibaba certainly felt more confident thanks to Sin’s complete faith in himself and his leadership, the truth was that Aladdin’s simple reassurance -- ‘You are brave’ -- had meant much more to him. 

But it wasn’t his place to make those reassurances. 

The Sinbad stories about Valefor had been somewhat vague, but there had definitely been mention of an Imuchakk ally who supported Sinbad through the dungeon, and Imuchakk had later become Sindria Trading Company’s first and most loyal partner. This was an important step in Sinbad’s path, and Alibaba didn’t want to risk making an even bigger mess of it. 

What if one thing led to another, and he accidentally prevented Sindria from being formed? That was an outright horrifying thought. 

Up ahead, the tunnel ended in glimmering light. Beyond was the Necropolis and, finally, the djinn’s temple. 

Alibaba heaved a sigh of relief as they stepped inside. 

Hinahoho crep along, almost tiptoeing despite his great size, but Sinbad strolled through confidently. His eyes lit up with curiosity and enthusiasm, but he remained focused on the most pressing matter. “That should be the djinn’s vessel in the center,” he said. “Let’s wake them up!” 

As soon as his fingers touched the pendant lying on a pedestal at the center of the temple, magic surged through the air. Just like in Amon’s treasury, the faded and encrusted relics shone a brilliant gold and a gargantuan figure appeared over their group. 

Valefor was a beast, with a wide jaw full of sword-like fangs and three eyes on each side. Flashing its claws, it boomed out, “My name is Valefor, the djinn of falsehood and prestige. Who among you will become King?” 

“Me!” Sinbad declared, his hand shooting up excitedly. 

About to say something else, no doubt equally dramatic and awe-inspiring, Valefor froze in surprise. This was not how the djinn envisioned things, and all six of its eyes blinked as it tried to figure out how to continue. 

“Erm... okay,” it finally said, its tone quite different. “But where are the rest of you?” 

“Drakon and them? We went on ahead,” Sinbad said. 

Valefor huffed. “I got so excited and put on an act, and you’re not even all here. How disappointing... I don’t feel motivated anymore.” Its form began to shrink down, losing its menace and majestic bearing. Curling up, it turned up its nose and refused to look at them anymore. “Forget it, we’ll start when the rest get here.” 

“Um,” Alibaba said, and immediately cringed when Valefor turned six disinterested eyes toward him. “I have something I wanted to ask you, Lord Djinn, if you could spare a moment.” 

Valefor waved one paw for him to continue. 

“It’s about the gate between worlds, and whether it could--” 

“I don’t know,” the djinn interrupted him. “I’ve got no idea how that complicated stuff works. Ugo set up the system, I just wait here for a king candidate to arrive.” 

Of all the things Alibaba had expected, that was not one of them. “But Amon seemed like he knew how to make one,” he protested. Indeed, Amon had created a gate to send them back -- on which he had apparently made a mistake, leading to Alibaba’s predicament. 

“Amon’s an old guy who thinks too much,” Valefor said, unimpressed. “I’m not. Anyway, enough about that. It’s about time to get started.” 

Just as the djinn finished speaking, another voice echoed down the passage into the temple, and four figures rushed inside. “Sinbad!” Drakon yelled, already aiming his strange magic tool at them. “I won’t let you take the djinn’s power this time!” 

But before he could shoot, a giant ice crystal erupted in front of him, making him backpedal frantically to avoid crashing into it. The trio of assassins immediately scattered, each looking around with full alertness. “None of that,” Valefor tutted. “Baal might be all about fighting it out, but I don’t like violence. I’m going to be testing you another way. Come on, hurry up and get over here, so we can get started.” 

It took a moment for the Parthevian group to obey, even after the ice magic dissolved as if it had never been there. They approached with obvious reluctance. 

“How come there’s only four of you? Where’s your magician?” Sinbad asked casually. “Is she hiding again?” 

Drakon’s lips thinned and he shot a glare at his rival. However, Valefor huffed impatiently and cut him off before he could answer. 

“A magician won’t work as a king vessel anyway,” the djinn said. “But don’t think I’ll let anyone interfere. The seven of you are each on your own.” 

“Wait,” the youngest assassin said suddenly. “Are you saying any of us could become king?” 

“Of course,” Valefor said. “As long as you pass my trial.” 

Alibaba nodded to himself. “Aright,” he said, “then I’ll excuse myself here. I’ll be sitting out.” 

[bufanzi]

180309 wang yilong weibo update 

 一切尽在文字中。 感恩❤️ 加油💪 2018希望能被你们看见[抱抱] #偶像练习生##王艺龙##偶像练习生王艺龙# ​​​

translations:

“citizen producers, please take care of me!”

Really wish to stand on idol producer’s stage and say this with everyone again, but its a pity that its impossible now. I have always had a dream to be in a boy group, to become a member of china’s most outstanding boy group. Even though I know that this dream is very big and likely to be impossible, but I have always dreamt of it, and also using everything to rush forward to achieve this dream.

December of 2017, an early morning of a certain day, our manager sent us a weibo notification to tell us that we passed the interview, I immediately jumped up and became high until i exploded, and couldn’t calm down for half the day ( still thinking why the program notified us in the middle of the night, it was only until I came in that I realised that the crew doesn’t need sleep ). Other than feeling happiness, I also told myself: This is a program that I was anticipating, a stage that i was looking forward to, a chance that I was waiting for… Anyways, gathering all of my anticipation, I ! Will definetely! Grab hold of this chance! i went to the program with my group mates yang feitong, chen minghao, zhang dayuan, wang zihao. Because I was the oldest among the 5, I became the leader of this small group. I wanted to walking to the end with my younger brothers.

After much discussion, we decided to go with《立》as our performance song because this song can represent our attitude. We hoped that we can achieve a stage that is “able to support both earth and heaven”. I want to thank long fei ge here for taking time out of his busy schedule to teach us his song and impart his experiences to us. With a seniors power, we will work hard !

After entering the program, we were faced with our first mission which was the “theme song evaluations” and “theme song stage”.  At this stage I really blamed myself, if i had done better and nagged more, if I had used more time to help minghao and dayuan practice, then all of us could have stood on the stage, and wouldn’t have left 2 people behind. When we were interviewed, i asked if I was disappointed that my company mates couldn’t stand on stage. I can’t really remember what I said then, but I only remember that it was the first time I cried in the show, because I saw minghao and dayuan’s expression and understood their helplessness and sadness then.

At the “theme song” stage, I was in a different section from feitong, but our positions were near each other. when feitong came on stage, he happily shouted “yilong, yilong, I’m standing here!” I immediately replied feitong saying “wah, we aren’t standing too behing, we would have screentime, lets dance properly” we laughed together, but when I turned my head around to look at feitong the second time, their positions had changed and feitong was moved to the last place of that sector. during the break I walked over to find feitong, he had lost his smile and said that he lost his screentime. I felt awful in my heart and wasn’t sure what to say. I lied to him saying “ no, I just now saw that there was a camera pointing at you, it was your solo screentime, it looks very good. when you jumped, it can be seen”, when feitong heard it, he finally smiled and asked if it was true and I said that it was. But when the program aired, my lie was exposed. However, I don’t regret that lie, feitong is my didi, his sadness is the same as my sadness. My feitong didn’t disappoint me, “3-octaves tong” is the real you, it will definitely shine.

On the first stage evaluations, very luckily I was chosen in zhang PD’s song shake, it helped me met zhengzheng (luo zheng), dongdong and zhexiang. The first time I worked closely with unfamiliar members. In the program, this was the first stage and the first time I became a leader, even dongdong said that he did not expect me to be such a strict person. I really have to perform well, I want to experience the charms of being in a boy group. When I stood on stage and the lights shone on me, it felt like all the efforts and hard work i put in was worth it. I only wish to stand there and show the best performance to everyone, i hope that the first stage i show can recieve recognition. “shake that thing”!

The second stage evaluations, I got flow. Honestly, initially when all the songs were introduced, I didn’t want this song the most. Since I didn’t have a choice anymore, I have to finish this song properly, although our group only had 4 people, everyone worked very hard, we barely had any sleep during the practice. Because 4 of us had low ranks, we had to work harder to be noticed. A regretful thing still happened, the night before the performance during rehearsal, yunyi hurt his eyes and couldn’t perform anymore. Because of the sudden change, everyone became flustered and didn’t know what to do, in my mind i kept thinking that we were “finished”. 2 hours before the stage, 3 of us have to re distribute parts and change to dance position. Although we don’t know what else we have to face, we only said work hard and we can do it, but deep down it really felt uncertain. On stage, I really tried to smile, but when we went down from the stage, my eyes became filled with tears because I knew I had let down the stage, the meaning behind the numbers “237256” that you guys said. The show didn’t air my apology, so I will write it here.

Also, I didn’t manage to participate in 《Boom Boom Boom》 but i’m still grateful to the citizen producers who chose the song that I really like. When I got this song, i said that it would be my main song because our team name was “zoom zoom zoom”. Also want to specially thank lei zi (song yanlei) for picking me to be that lucky trainee, although I didn’t managed to finish the performance, but I hope if there was a chance i want to perform it for you guys.

Thanks to zhang pd, mentor li ronghao, mentor zhou jieqing, mentor cheng xiao, mentor jackson and mentor mcjin, for imparting to us all your experiences, its very valuable and unforgettable, we gained a lot. Thanks to all the crew, its onle because of the effort that you put in that we are able to have a beautiful stage! thanks to summerstar, my parents and my siblings. Thanks my brothers, there are too many people that I want to point out, so I won’t point out one by one.  brothers, forever!

During the eliminated stage, I was thinking if I should give up my dream of being in a boy group, or if i’m lacking luck, if i’m getting too old and should find other things to do… but justin’s words snapped me out of it. If I have a dream, we have to work hard to get it, that way I’ll always move forward!

I think, the harder you work, the luckier you are, although sometimes the sweat you put it will lose to luck, in that cause we have to put in more efforts to make up for my bad luck. Opportunities will only come to those who are prepared, I want to continue preparing!

grateful to my fans for supporting me and voting for me. The reason I am able to stand on stage was because of the motivation and power that you guys gave me. Really thankful for your hard work and effort you put in and every scream that you gave me. In the future, i hope that you guys can continue to follow me, I will definitely show you a better side of me, a better stage, so that more of you guys can notice.

Lastly, summerstar’s last trainee yang feitong !!! my feitong !!! You are the reason for our survival !! Right now I am a citizen producer helping to promote you !!! yang feitong!! jiayou!!! Yang feitong!!! stand up!!!

I hope everyone will still remember me who is “outside of the palace”, summerstar trainee, wang yilong.

[arrancarwrites]

A New Start: Ambassadors of our Species! Part 2

AKA: Criessa You Dummy, Do You Know How to NOT Make Enemies!?

(( after binge-reading the last 200 or so chapters of Bleach, I’m trying to do this at least somewhat chronologically. Bare with me a few installments longer so we can get into the fun stuff! This one’s long I’m sorry（ ；´Д｀ ))

~~~

“Who’s she talking to? Head-Captain is in his quarters like always.” Criessa’s ears twitched and she froze, chest puffed out. What did they say? She jerked back around to the man she’d ASSUMED was in charge. The dumb smile on Kyoraku’s face meant he could see the hesitation in hers. Sweat dripped down her cheek. The girl beside him was giving her an awfully disappointed look; Criessa could appreciate the pity. Obviously, she grit her teeth and forced a feeble smile, they know what’s going on….

Criessa spent too much time picking her intro music and forgot to actually find out who everyone was!!!

“Obviously she knows the Captain can hear her! Don’t underestimate someone who snuck in so easily!” Another sweet Soul Reaper underling! Oh yeah, good save! Shunsui winked at her, and she gave him a thankful look. Back in action, she pointed her finger up at Kyoraku and yelled, loudly enough to maybe save some face.

“That’s right! Take me to your leader!”

“Wow you really weren’t prepared in the right ways, were you?” The lieutenant deadpanned, but Shunsui, charmer that he is, stepped in and offered her his arm. Somewhere in the crowd, someone asked someone else what she’d just referenced.

Criessa blanked, staring down at the hairy appendage offered.

“Alright then, Ms. Monserra, let’s relay this very important information to the Head-Captain.”

“Uhh, thanks. I’d prefer not to take your arm though, but the sentiment is nice.” He nodded and brought a hand to his chest, as if hurt; she kept on explaining herself before he could interrupt, “Honestly! It reminds me of the movies and plays I’ve read! Like Prince Charming!” She beamed, bouncing along while he escorted her.

He blinked. “Oh well that’s a heck of a compliment! Excuse my forwardness, again,” He smiled and held his palms up toward her, “Goodness, it seems I’m being a really rude host today! I’m not usually so mean!” He chuckled, “But how do you know about that?”

Criessa watched him carefully. He certainly was a charming guy -not her type, but still.

She raised an eyebrow, “Human things?” Kyoraku nodded and gestured for them to turn down a pathway. “I’ve always liked Human things; they’re colorful and fun. I like games, and Humans have good senses of humor. Entering their world isn’t as comfortable as here, but that’s where I’ve been hiding since Ichigo Kurosaki defeated Aizen.”

The First Division headquarters came into view, stretching up into the sky. Criessa paused at the bottom of the steps. Kyoraku put a hand on her shoulder and hid his smile underneath his hat, hand up to his mouth to stage-whisper. “Nanao and I will keep your secret about not knowing who we were.”

Criessa’s spiritual pressure bristled with her embarrassment. The red-head’s shoulders dropped and she buried her face in her hands. “Oh yeah, way to remind me how silly that was!” She peeked through her fingers towards Nanao, “You’re right I wasn’t really prepared for this.” She fluffed her hand through her hair, and shrugged, “I really just spent WAY too much time deciding on whether or not I wanted to use Welcome To The Jungle or not, I forgot to do any better observations! Well… I guess it won’t hurt, since you’re already keeping one dumb secret for me, I’ll admit it: I’m not anything close to an authority for my species, I sort of barrelled in here half-cocked, but it’s getting bad back home, and it’s not even safe for me to look for the people I’ve lost.”

A white-haired man met them, appearing a few feet away. She met his eyes as she finished her confession.

“I’m worried this is more than we can handle…”

~~~

To say that the real Head-Captain was upset by her presence would be an understatement. Some lingering primal part of Criessa’s brain was screaming how much she really shouldn’t be here, standing before Genryusai Shigekuni Yamamoto. She took a deep breath and straightened up. No worse than Aizen ever was. She furrowed her brows, eyes still closed. Man, this life after he was captured was making her soft -she never bothered with fear before, what was wrong now?

Olive eyes and freckles. A sweet smile. Blonde hair falling in her face. A warm body underneath hers. Pretty blue eyes.

Oh yeah.

“Arrancar.” Yamamoto’s voice boomed in the silence of the room around them. No one who had remained; Kyoraku, Nanao, or Sasakibe, who was apparently the first division lieutenant, hadn’t so much as breathed loudly since introducing her as, ‘the Arrancar who broke into the Soul Society’. She looked up to meet his gaze. “What is your name?”

“Criessa Monserra. An unranked Arrancar with no affiliations.”

“So be it. Why have you invaded our Courtyards? I want to hear about this nonsense in Heuco Mundo.” The old man never budged from his place, hands firmly on the top of his cane.

“Yes,” She nodded quickly, “Men calling themselves Quincies have arrived and abducted many weaker Arrancars. Anyone left will put up a fight, but Las Noches is carefully monitored. The Espada were our strongest, most reasonable soldiers,” She opened herself to him and frowned, “without them, against an organized force, Hueco Mundo can fall.”

“How am I to believe you know all this, when you say you’ve been hiding in the Human World?”

Criessa brought her hands forward to fiddle, shoving her fingernails underneath each other. “I’ve risked a few trips, long enough to see some old comrades fighting, and see their forces in formation. My last trip… I barely outran them, and have been avoiding detection since. This is my last idea before I risk going back for a blaze of glory.” She curled her hands into fists at her sides. “Honestly,” a smirk, “after Aizen, I’m not stupid enough to side with a losing team. I don’t think joining the Soul Society is a bad future-plan.”

Yamamoto pealed an eye open for her. She supposed it should be a sign he’s taking her seriously.

“You are a Hollow. Our enemy. I could never trust you to join us, who’s mission it is to save Humans, when you are, at your core, the creature that devours them.” She felt anger bubbling hot up her spine. How dare he! “If there really is an organization invading the house of our enemies why should the Soul Society interfere? The Quncies have been dead for 100 years. Whoever this is killing you Arrancar, I should just wait until they’ve finished.”

How DARE he!! The young girl, standing before this pillar of power in their worlds, no more than a  match held to the Sun. But she burned all the same at his dismissal. She grit her teeth, baring her lower fangs.

“Don’t be a fool!” The tension rippled over her, from every corner of the room, “I’m sure you heard what I said earlier! And I’m an Arrancar; I haven’t eaten a Human soul in years.” She shook her head, trying to temper the fire in her chest. “And it would be a foolish decision indeed to ignore the army at your gates! Quincies or not, they’re amassing something!” The Head-captain, now thoroughly irritated, smacked the bottom of his cane on the floor.

Fuming, Criessa ignored his demand for silence. She was really starting to remind herself of Grimmjow.

“I’ve seen your Soul Reapers, Head-Captain! I know the caliper at which you operate! The standards you have set! I never expected you to believe me on my word, but I am powerless here! Check my information! Send me to your scientists! I’m an endangered species, and I doubt you’ll find another Arrancar to walk into your halls asking for permission to join. I thought you’d be able to see the value in that.” She dropped to one knee, and tossed her weapon onto the floor at her own foot.

Again, katanas aimed at her throat.

“I’m not going to be a part of whatever those idiots in white are doing, I won’t die like a dog! I came to you with good will! I’m ready to make this place my new path, but if you’re going to be stubborn about this just because of what I used to be, I was mistaken.”

Fire in her eyes, steam blowing out with her breath, Criessa stared into the awful eyes of her Juge and Jury.

“Lock her up.”

~~~

The darkness made time flow differently, but it wasn’t long enough until the door to her chamber slid open, and instead of Kurotsuchi coming to test more of her anatomy, his girl, Nemu, invited Criessa back into the light of day. She was being released far too early… Something must have finally happened.

“It seems you were telling the truth about the Quincy forces before.” Kurotsuchi bustled around, collecting and typing and moving things, talking over his shoulder to his former captive. One of his lackeys bumped into her, she apologized as she kept running, barely keeping the papers and little tubes in her hands as she dodged. The Captain was still blabbering, “I confess even I assumed you were crazed… or just stupid.” Criessa rolled her shoulders and shrugged. “I was excited to have a new test subject all to myself.” She swore his shoulders fell.

“I could see why. This was always a slim chance.”

“It’s interesting that you would even risk your existence for such a trivial matter. I don’t recall Arrancar being particularly hospitable.” He moved toward the exit, Criessa and Nemu in his coattails. He glanced over his shoulder with a wicked, knowing look in his eye. “Though, you did have quite the motive: Joining the Soul Society, as an Arrancar. Too bad you weren’t very convincing -yelling like that.”

“I don’t know what response you’re trying to pry out of me, Kurotsuchi. My morals align best here.”

“Interesting. What exactly do you define as moral?”

“That’s getting a bit too deep into my personal life, but why we fight is a big deal for Arrancar. We get in arguments about Ethics a lot. Some, who call themselves evolved, think that fighting should have a good, logical reason, like duty, honor, or information gathering. Maybe they’re right. Some just have that itch to do it. It’s instinctual -we’ve been clawing our ways to the top since we died in the first place.”

Criessa shrugged, blinking as they stepped out into the sunlight. She smiled. “I tend to fight for fun.” The odd, bulbous man watched her carefully as they came to a stop. “I know, I know, it sounds barbaric, but it’s not like that. Fun, like games. I don’t want to win, I want to play. I’m no good at laying waste anyway, so I stay out of the way.”

“Captain Kyoraku will be around soon to pick you up. I believe I have enough time for another question.” He turned to her, golden eyes bulging out of their facepaint. Briefly, Criessa struggled to pick one to stare at. “Obviously you don’t keep your head down as much as you say -since you’re here. What are your true motivations?”

The Arrancar kept staring into the left eye of this weirdo captain they’d given her to. Criessa loathed to think of actually hanging her head -she’d never cowered in front of anyone.The birds sang, the insects screamed, and she refused to say anything until her escort was visible on the horizon. But he didn’t need to know that. She leveled her gaze and started walking towards the Lieutenant. She snorted.

“No need in making him walk so far.” Pointedly without looking back, she finally answered Kurotsuchi. “Personal gain, Captain, same as yours.”

~~~

Trailing the coattails of the captain down the hall toward what felt like a big, intimidating meeting, Criessa giggled. Kyoraku glanced over her shoulder, eyebrows raised. She waved him off and rolled her shoulders back.

“I don’t do well under pressure, haha.” She shrugged. “Nervous laughter.”

Oooh, all the captains were gathered when she finally got to step in. They all looked pretty frumpy and serious. No fun. She frowned to herself.

“Head-Captain.” Her focus snapped back to the immediate situation when the pink kimono in front of her moved to his own designated spot, and she stood in front of the old man again. He didn’t say anything to her, and the atmosphere was stifling. Criessa let out a sigh and played with the back of her hair.

“It would be INSANELY rude to say ‘I told you so’ but all things considered, Head-Captain…” She dropped her arms by her sides and blatantly ignored the guffawing at her insolence; staring, unflinching, daring the man in front of her to ignore her advice again. Hadn’t he already lost his lieutenant?

“I will take that and we will consider the apology I owe you null, Criessa Monserra.”

She broke out into a beaming, toothy smile. “Yes sir.”

[ruthellisneda]

{#TransparentTuesday} Purposefulness vs Suffering

There I was, probably 100 feet from the top of the final peak, when my mom looked at me and asked if I wanted to take a break.

I meant to say no, that I didn’t want to hold her back, but instead I just collapsed to the rocks.

As I lay there (in the same crumpled body position you see when a cartoon character goes SPLAT on the sidewalk) I listened to the horrible wheezy-rhaspy sound my lunges had been making for the last hour. It was like a panting dog, if the dog had severe asthma and was having a panic attack.

The funny thing was that even as I lay there making involuntary animal sounds, my heart racing and my head woozy, I felt… fine.

I had been physically s-t-r-u-g-g-l-i-n-g with this last peak, since it was both the third high peak we climbed that day, and also the highest elevation. Somehow though, I felt curiously unbothered by my own pain and struggle. It was almost like I watched my body fighting this battle from some serene place inside myself, a place where despite the hideous sound I was making and the fact that my legs had collapsed unbidden onto the rocks, I knew there was nothing actually wrong.

Throughout the trip I had many of these moments, noticing my own physical struggle while maintaining a deep inner sense of calm.

At one point earlier on in the day, while hiking to the trailhead for our second peak, I had sat down and uncontrollably wept for a while.

It was as natural as taking a break for water when you’re thirsty. I sat down and the tears simply flowed until they were done. I wasn’t upset exactly, I just needed to cry. We’d been going since before the sun came up, and the terrain was extremely mentally and physically demanding.

When my mom’s husband heard I’d taken a crying-break, he recommended I skip the next peak and just rest. I was surprised, because despite the fact that I still had dirty tear-streaks down my cheeks, I knew nothing was wrong and I would absolutely be able to finish all the peaks. My feeling was that of an unshakeable calm, a steadfast serenity.

While my actual discomfort level was much higher than normal, my anxiety was much lower, and I find that fascinating.

I’ve reflected a lot on this trip and the fierce calm that underpinned the whole experience. What caused this anxiety-free state? Is it always available for me to tap into? Can I purposefully create more of it in my life? Where did this inner calm comes from?

Here’s what I’ve come up with:

1. Confidence in my own capacity to handle hard shit

I’ve done some terrifying, painful, and challenging shit in my life, so I know that until I’m faced with a new challenge, even I don’t know what I’m capable of. It’s pretty empowering to know I’m carrying around an untapped well of strength and courage inside me all the time, and it certainly comes in handy when I’m trying some new kind of challenge.

Plus, at a basic level… so far, I’ve survived 100% of those moments. I knew I would survive this one too.

2. Purposefulness

My purpose for this trip was always crystal clear, highly motivating, and aligned with my highest values. It never wavered through all the six weeks of training, or four days in the woods: my purpose was to be there for my mom as she finished this enormous accomplishment.

Not just physically there though, but emotionally there too; present; clear; light. (Aka not being irritable, grouchy, whining, or complaining.)

Having a strong sense of purpose— a super strong “why”–  is hands down the most important factor when it comes to accessing that state of clear-headed calm.

Had I been struggling that much for no reason, or for a worthless reason like a miscommunication or bad planning, I would have absolutely been throwing dramatic temper tantrums in my head the whole time, like WTF why do people do this shit?!?!

I know this because throwing internal (and sometimes external) temper tantrums is something I’ve done a lot of in my life. Being asked to suffer for a reason that isn’t important to me makes me absolutely, childishly livid.

What’s purposeful or meaningful for one person is completely different than for another though. I don’t like being inconvenienced or uncomfortable to save money for example, because saving money isn’t a value of mine. (You can’t take it with you when you die, y’all.)  But I’ll gladly endure all manner of pain and discomfort in service of my work, or spending quality time with loved ones.

Note: This is why I used to think I was lazy and anxious, but it turns out I just didn’t like getting out of bed to do random meaningless shit. Now that my career is linked to my purpose, I’m happy doing everything from IT issues to billing problems to program launches to endless emails. It’s also why a lot of people think they lack “willpower” when it comes to getting in shape, when really what they lack is a strong sense of purposefulness. It seems counter-intuitive, but losing weight and looking good naked just don’t often tap into a person’s core values or sense of meaning.

Which brings me to an interesting insight about the relationship between purposefulness and a general feeling of “resistance.”

3. Lack of resistance

In my day-to-day life, I often have resistance to stuff. Resistance is that feeling when something goes wrong or you’re like no it shouldn’t be like that!! Resistance is the cause of a lot of human suffering, because it creates a feeling of internal conflict that is both exhausting and unpleasant.

Think about resistance this way: if someone punched you in the face, you’d probably be pretty upset, right? But if for some reason you really wanted someone to punch you in the face, then despite the fact that it would still hurt, you’d feel happy or satisfied if someone did it.

In short, we only feel resistance when there is a discrepancy between what is happening and what we think should be happening.

This also explains the difference between pain and suffering. Pain is a mandatory part of life. If someone punches you, it’s gonna hurt. But suffering is optional; suffering is the resistance you have to being in pain. You only suffer when you’ve decided that this pain shouldn’t be happening: which is where purposefulness comes in.

* Pain in service of a “why” that makes you feel purposeful is extremely empowering! * Pain in service of nothing whatsoever is infuriating and humiliating.

I was struggling in those mountains, yes, but I wanted to be struggling. I was empowered by my own struggle because it was in service of a “why” that felt pure and right. I never felt any resistance to it or labeled it “a problem” to solve, because I had signed up to struggle in this way.

Without resisting it, the presence of pain and discomfort only served to make me feel more proud and determined as we went on.

4. I’ve learned how to safely feel my feelings

Over the years of doing self-acceptance and embodiment work, I’ve purposefully cultivated a tolerance for my own feelings. (Check out the self-study course I created on feelings to learn more about how!)

It’s amazing how much less anxiety I have now that I can feel my feelings without freaking out.

I had asthma as a kid, and I used to get panic attacks. Doing cardio always used to make me feel like that — like I couldn’t get enough air, like I was going to die. That kind of fear led to panic attacks. I’d feel the initial discomfort, get anxious about the discomfort, panic about my anxiety, panic about my panic, and them BOOM: full blown panic attack.

Being able to tolerate the first stages of physical discomfort— to stay present, and loose, and keep breathing no matter what I’m feeling (aka to not experience resistance to my own feelings)— changes the whole pattern.

Despite all my purposefulness and confidence, fear is a powerful force. If I hadn’t learned to tolerate my fear safely, it might have hijacked the whole show and ruined my trip.

Whew. These were some powerful lessons packed into an intense experience.

Given this experience, the topic of staying constantly connected to meaning/purpose has just become a whole lot more interesting to me!

Can this be the key to feeling inner peace even when life is hard AF? Or maybe these together are the four keys— did I miss anything?

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Purposefulness vs Suffering appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

https://ift.tt/2Ck2FiM

[johnclapperne]

{#TransparentTuesday} Purposefulness vs Suffering

There I was, probably 100 feet from the top of the final peak, when my mom looked at me and asked if I wanted to take a break.

I meant to say no, that I didn’t want to hold her back, but instead I just collapsed to the rocks.

As I lay there (in the same crumpled body position you see when a cartoon character goes SPLAT on the sidewalk) I listened to the horrible wheezy-rhaspy sound my lunges had been making for the last hour. It was like a panting dog, if the dog had severe asthma and was having a panic attack.

The funny thing was that even as I lay there making involuntary animal sounds, my heart racing and my head woozy, I felt… fine.

I had been physically s-t-r-u-g-g-l-i-n-g with this last peak, since it was both the third high peak we climbed that day, and also the highest elevation. Somehow though, I felt curiously unbothered by my own pain and struggle. It was almost like I watched my body fighting this battle from some serene place inside myself, a place where despite the hideous sound I was making and the fact that my legs had collapsed unbidden onto the rocks, I knew there was nothing actually wrong.

Throughout the trip I had many of these moments, noticing my own physical struggle while maintaining a deep inner sense of calm.

At one point earlier on in the day, while hiking to the trailhead for our second peak, I had sat down and uncontrollably wept for a while.

It was as natural as taking a break for water when you’re thirsty. I sat down and the tears simply flowed until they were done. I wasn’t upset exactly, I just needed to cry. We’d been going since before the sun came up, and the terrain was extremely mentally and physically demanding.

When my mom’s husband heard I’d taken a crying-break, he recommended I skip the next peak and just rest. I was surprised, because despite the fact that I still had dirty tear-streaks down my cheeks, I knew nothing was wrong and I would absolutely be able to finish all the peaks. My feeling was that of an unshakeable calm, a steadfast serenity.

While my actual discomfort level was much higher than normal, my anxiety was much lower, and I find that fascinating.

I’ve reflected a lot on this trip and the fierce calm that underpinned the whole experience. What caused this anxiety-free state? Is it always available for me to tap into? Can I purposefully create more of it in my life? Where did this inner calm comes from?

Here’s what I’ve come up with:

1. Confidence in my own capacity to handle hard shit

I’ve done some terrifying, painful, and challenging shit in my life, so I know that until I’m faced with a new challenge, even I don’t know what I’m capable of. It’s pretty empowering to know I’m carrying around an untapped well of strength and courage inside me all the time, and it certainly comes in handy when I’m trying some new kind of challenge.

Plus, at a basic level… so far, I’ve survived 100% of those moments. I knew I would survive this one too.

2. Purposefulness

My purpose for this trip was always crystal clear, highly motivating, and aligned with my highest values. It never wavered through all the six weeks of training, or four days in the woods: my purpose was to be there for my mom as she finished this enormous accomplishment.

Not just physically there though, but emotionally there too; present; clear; light. (Aka not being irritable, grouchy, whining, or complaining.)

Having a strong sense of purpose— a super strong “why”–  is hands down the most important factor when it comes to accessing that state of clear-headed calm.

Had I been struggling that much for no reason, or for a worthless reason like a miscommunication or bad planning, I would have absolutely been throwing dramatic temper tantrums in my head the whole time, like WTF why do people do this shit?!?!

I know this because throwing internal (and sometimes external) temper tantrums is something I’ve done a lot of in my life. Being asked to suffer for a reason that isn’t important to me makes me absolutely, childishly livid.

What’s purposeful or meaningful for one person is completely different than for another though. I don’t like being inconvenienced or uncomfortable to save money for example, because saving money isn’t a value of mine. (You can’t take it with you when you die, y’all.)  But I’ll gladly endure all manner of pain and discomfort in service of my work, or spending quality time with loved ones.

Note: This is why I used to think I was lazy and anxious, but it turns out I just didn’t like getting out of bed to do random meaningless shit. Now that my career is linked to my purpose, I’m happy doing everything from IT issues to billing problems to program launches to endless emails. It’s also why a lot of people think they lack “willpower” when it comes to getting in shape, when really what they lack is a strong sense of purposefulness. It seems counter-intuitive, but losing weight and looking good naked just don’t often tap into a person’s core values or sense of meaning.

Which brings me to an interesting insight about the relationship between purposefulness and a general feeling of “resistance.”

3. Lack of resistance

In my day-to-day life, I often have resistance to stuff. Resistance is that feeling when something goes wrong or you’re like no it shouldn’t be like that!! Resistance is the cause of a lot of human suffering, because it creates a feeling of internal conflict that is both exhausting and unpleasant.

Think about resistance this way: if someone punched you in the face, you’d probably be pretty upset, right? But if for some reason you really wanted someone to punch you in the face, then despite the fact that it would still hurt, you’d feel happy or satisfied if someone did it.

In short, we only feel resistance when there is a discrepancy between what is happening and what we think should be happening.

This also explains the difference between pain and suffering. Pain is a mandatory part of life. If someone punches you, it’s gonna hurt. But suffering is optional; suffering is the resistance you have to being in pain. You only suffer when you’ve decided that this pain shouldn’t be happening: which is where purposefulness comes in.

* Pain in service of a “why” that makes you feel purposeful is extremely empowering! * Pain in service of nothing whatsoever is infuriating and humiliating.

I was struggling in those mountains, yes, but I wanted to be struggling. I was empowered by my own struggle because it was in service of a “why” that felt pure and right. I never felt any resistance to it or labeled it “a problem” to solve, because I had signed up to struggle in this way.

Without resisting it, the presence of pain and discomfort only served to make me feel more proud and determined as we went on.

4. I’ve learned how to safely feel my feelings

Over the years of doing self-acceptance and embodiment work, I’ve purposefully cultivated a tolerance for my own feelings. (Check out the self-study course I created on feelings to learn more about how!)

It’s amazing how much less anxiety I have now that I can feel my feelings without freaking out.

I had asthma as a kid, and I used to get panic attacks. Doing cardio always used to make me feel like that — like I couldn’t get enough air, like I was going to die. That kind of fear led to panic attacks. I’d feel the initial discomfort, get anxious about the discomfort, panic about my anxiety, panic about my panic, and them BOOM: full blown panic attack.

Being able to tolerate the first stages of physical discomfort— to stay present, and loose, and keep breathing no matter what I’m feeling (aka to not experience resistance to my own feelings)— changes the whole pattern.

Despite all my purposefulness and confidence, fear is a powerful force. If I hadn’t learned to tolerate my fear safely, it might have hijacked the whole show and ruined my trip.

Whew. These were some powerful lessons packed into an intense experience.

Given this experience, the topic of staying constantly connected to meaning/purpose has just become a whole lot more interesting to me!

Can this be the key to feeling inner peace even when life is hard AF? Or maybe these together are the four keys— did I miss anything?

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Purposefulness vs Suffering appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

https://ift.tt/2Ck2FiM

[joshuabradleyn]

{#TransparentTuesday} Purposefulness vs Suffering

There I was, probably 100 feet from the top of the final peak, when my mom looked at me and asked if I wanted to take a break.

I meant to say no, that I didn’t want to hold her back, but instead I just collapsed to the rocks.

As I lay there (in the same crumpled body position you see when a cartoon character goes SPLAT on the sidewalk) I listened to the horrible wheezy-rhaspy sound my lunges had been making for the last hour. It was like a panting dog, if the dog had severe asthma and was having a panic attack.

The funny thing was that even as I lay there making involuntary animal sounds, my heart racing and my head woozy, I felt… fine.

I had been physically s-t-r-u-g-g-l-i-n-g with this last peak, since it was both the third high peak we climbed that day, and also the highest elevation. Somehow though, I felt curiously unbothered by my own pain and struggle. It was almost like I watched my body fighting this battle from some serene place inside myself, a place where despite the hideous sound I was making and the fact that my legs had collapsed unbidden onto the rocks, I knew there was nothing actually wrong.

Throughout the trip I had many of these moments, noticing my own physical struggle while maintaining a deep inner sense of calm.

At one point earlier on in the day, while hiking to the trailhead for our second peak, I had sat down and uncontrollably wept for a while.

It was as natural as taking a break for water when you’re thirsty. I sat down and the tears simply flowed until they were done. I wasn’t upset exactly, I just needed to cry. We’d been going since before the sun came up, and the terrain was extremely mentally and physically demanding.

When my mom’s husband heard I’d taken a crying-break, he recommended I skip the next peak and just rest. I was surprised, because despite the fact that I still had dirty tear-streaks down my cheeks, I knew nothing was wrong and I would absolutely be able to finish all the peaks. My feeling was that of an unshakeable calm, a steadfast serenity.

While my actual discomfort level was much higher than normal, my anxiety was much lower, and I find that fascinating.

I’ve reflected a lot on this trip and the fierce calm that underpinned the whole experience. What caused this anxiety-free state? Is it always available for me to tap into? Can I purposefully create more of it in my life? Where did this inner calm comes from?

Here’s what I’ve come up with:

1. Confidence in my own capacity to handle hard shit

I’ve done some terrifying, painful, and challenging shit in my life, so I know that until I’m faced with a new challenge, even I don’t know what I’m capable of. It’s pretty empowering to know I’m carrying around an untapped well of strength and courage inside me all the time, and it certainly comes in handy when I’m trying some new kind of challenge.

Plus, at a basic level… so far, I’ve survived 100% of those moments. I knew I would survive this one too.

2. Purposefulness

My purpose for this trip was always crystal clear, highly motivating, and aligned with my highest values. It never wavered through all the six weeks of training, or four days in the woods: my purpose was to be there for my mom as she finished this enormous accomplishment.

Not just physically there though, but emotionally there too; present; clear; light. (Aka not being irritable, grouchy, whining, or complaining.)

Having a strong sense of purpose— a super strong “why”–  is hands down the most important factor when it comes to accessing that state of clear-headed calm.

Had I been struggling that much for no reason, or for a worthless reason like a miscommunication or bad planning, I would have absolutely been throwing dramatic temper tantrums in my head the whole time, like WTF why do people do this shit?!?!

I know this because throwing internal (and sometimes external) temper tantrums is something I’ve done a lot of in my life. Being asked to suffer for a reason that isn’t important to me makes me absolutely, childishly livid.

What’s purposeful or meaningful for one person is completely different than for another though. I don’t like being inconvenienced or uncomfortable to save money for example, because saving money isn’t a value of mine. (You can’t take it with you when you die, y’all.)  But I’ll gladly endure all manner of pain and discomfort in service of my work, or spending quality time with loved ones.

Note: This is why I used to think I was lazy and anxious, but it turns out I just didn’t like getting out of bed to do random meaningless shit. Now that my career is linked to my purpose, I’m happy doing everything from IT issues to billing problems to program launches to endless emails. It’s also why a lot of people think they lack “willpower” when it comes to getting in shape, when really what they lack is a strong sense of purposefulness. It seems counter-intuitive, but losing weight and looking good naked just don’t often tap into a person’s core values or sense of meaning.

Which brings me to an interesting insight about the relationship between purposefulness and a general feeling of “resistance.”

3. Lack of resistance

In my day-to-day life, I often have resistance to stuff. Resistance is that feeling when something goes wrong or you’re like no it shouldn’t be like that!! Resistance is the cause of a lot of human suffering, because it creates a feeling of internal conflict that is both exhausting and unpleasant.

Think about resistance this way: if someone punched you in the face, you’d probably be pretty upset, right? But if for some reason you really wanted someone to punch you in the face, then despite the fact that it would still hurt, you’d feel happy or satisfied if someone did it.

In short, we only feel resistance when there is a discrepancy between what is happening and what we think should be happening.

This also explains the difference between pain and suffering. Pain is a mandatory part of life. If someone punches you, it’s gonna hurt. But suffering is optional; suffering is the resistance you have to being in pain. You only suffer when you’ve decided that this pain shouldn’t be happening: which is where purposefulness comes in.

* Pain in service of a “why” that makes you feel purposeful is extremely empowering! * Pain in service of nothing whatsoever is infuriating and humiliating.

I was struggling in those mountains, yes, but I wanted to be struggling. I was empowered by my own struggle because it was in service of a “why” that felt pure and right. I never felt any resistance to it or labeled it “a problem” to solve, because I had signed up to struggle in this way.

Without resisting it, the presence of pain and discomfort only served to make me feel more proud and determined as we went on.

4. I’ve learned how to safely feel my feelings

Over the years of doing self-acceptance and embodiment work, I’ve purposefully cultivated a tolerance for my own feelings. (Check out the self-study course I created on feelings to learn more about how!)

It’s amazing how much less anxiety I have now that I can feel my feelings without freaking out.

I had asthma as a kid, and I used to get panic attacks. Doing cardio always used to make me feel like that — like I couldn’t get enough air, like I was going to die. That kind of fear led to panic attacks. I’d feel the initial discomfort, get anxious about the discomfort, panic about my anxiety, panic about my panic, and them BOOM: full blown panic attack.

Being able to tolerate the first stages of physical discomfort— to stay present, and loose, and keep breathing no matter what I’m feeling (aka to not experience resistance to my own feelings)— changes the whole pattern.

Despite all my purposefulness and confidence, fear is a powerful force. If I hadn’t learned to tolerate my fear safely, it might have hijacked the whole show and ruined my trip.

Whew. These were some powerful lessons packed into an intense experience.

Given this experience, the topic of staying constantly connected to meaning/purpose has just become a whole lot more interesting to me!

Can this be the key to feeling inner peace even when life is hard AF? Or maybe these together are the four keys— did I miss anything?

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Purposefulness vs Suffering appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

https://ift.tt/2Ck2FiM

[neilmillerne]

{#TransparentTuesday} Purposefulness vs Suffering

There I was, probably 100 feet from the top of the final peak, when my mom looked at me and asked if I wanted to take a break.

I meant to say no, that I didn’t want to hold her back, but instead I just collapsed to the rocks.

As I lay there (in the same crumpled body position you see when a cartoon character goes SPLAT on the sidewalk) I listened to the horrible wheezy-rhaspy sound my lunges had been making for the last hour. It was like a panting dog, if the dog had severe asthma and was having a panic attack.

The funny thing was that even as I lay there making involuntary animal sounds, my heart racing and my head woozy, I felt… fine.

I had been physically s-t-r-u-g-g-l-i-n-g with this last peak, since it was both the third high peak we climbed that day, and also the highest elevation. Somehow though, I felt curiously unbothered by my own pain and struggle. It was almost like I watched my body fighting this battle from some serene place inside myself, a place where despite the hideous sound I was making and the fact that my legs had collapsed unbidden onto the rocks, I knew there was nothing actually wrong.

Throughout the trip I had many of these moments, noticing my own physical struggle while maintaining a deep inner sense of calm.

At one point earlier on in the day, while hiking to the trailhead for our second peak, I had sat down and uncontrollably wept for a while.

It was as natural as taking a break for water when you’re thirsty. I sat down and the tears simply flowed until they were done. I wasn’t upset exactly, I just needed to cry. We’d been going since before the sun came up, and the terrain was extremely mentally and physically demanding.

When my mom’s husband heard I’d taken a crying-break, he recommended I skip the next peak and just rest. I was surprised, because despite the fact that I still had dirty tear-streaks down my cheeks, I knew nothing was wrong and I would absolutely be able to finish all the peaks. My feeling was that of an unshakeable calm, a steadfast serenity.

While my actual discomfort level was much higher than normal, my anxiety was much lower, and I find that fascinating.

I’ve reflected a lot on this trip and the fierce calm that underpinned the whole experience. What caused this anxiety-free state? Is it always available for me to tap into? Can I purposefully create more of it in my life? Where did this inner calm comes from?

Here’s what I’ve come up with:

1. Confidence in my own capacity to handle hard shit

I’ve done some terrifying, painful, and challenging shit in my life, so I know that until I’m faced with a new challenge, even I don’t know what I’m capable of. It’s pretty empowering to know I’m carrying around an untapped well of strength and courage inside me all the time, and it certainly comes in handy when I’m trying some new kind of challenge.

Plus, at a basic level… so far, I’ve survived 100% of those moments. I knew I would survive this one too.

2. Purposefulness

My purpose for this trip was always crystal clear, highly motivating, and aligned with my highest values. It never wavered through all the six weeks of training, or four days in the woods: my purpose was to be there for my mom as she finished this enormous accomplishment.

Not just physically there though, but emotionally there too; present; clear; light. (Aka not being irritable, grouchy, whining, or complaining.)

Having a strong sense of purpose— a super strong “why”–  is hands down the most important factor when it comes to accessing that state of clear-headed calm.

Had I been struggling that much for no reason, or for a worthless reason like a miscommunication or bad planning, I would have absolutely been throwing dramatic temper tantrums in my head the whole time, like WTF why do people do this shit?!?!

I know this because throwing internal (and sometimes external) temper tantrums is something I’ve done a lot of in my life. Being asked to suffer for a reason that isn’t important to me makes me absolutely, childishly livid.

What’s purposeful or meaningful for one person is completely different than for another though. I don’t like being inconvenienced or uncomfortable to save money for example, because saving money isn’t a value of mine. (You can’t take it with you when you die, y’all.)  But I’ll gladly endure all manner of pain and discomfort in service of my work, or spending quality time with loved ones.

Note: This is why I used to think I was lazy and anxious, but it turns out I just didn’t like getting out of bed to do random meaningless shit. Now that my career is linked to my purpose, I’m happy doing everything from IT issues to billing problems to program launches to endless emails. It’s also why a lot of people think they lack “willpower” when it comes to getting in shape, when really what they lack is a strong sense of purposefulness. It seems counter-intuitive, but losing weight and looking good naked just don’t often tap into a person’s core values or sense of meaning.

Which brings me to an interesting insight about the relationship between purposefulness and a general feeling of “resistance.”

3. Lack of resistance

In my day-to-day life, I often have resistance to stuff. Resistance is that feeling when something goes wrong or you’re like no it shouldn’t be like that!! Resistance is the cause of a lot of human suffering, because it creates a feeling of internal conflict that is both exhausting and unpleasant.

Think about resistance this way: if someone punched you in the face, you’d probably be pretty upset, right? But if for some reason you really wanted someone to punch you in the face, then despite the fact that it would still hurt, you’d feel happy or satisfied if someone did it.

In short, we only feel resistance when there is a discrepancy between what is happening and what we think should be happening.

This also explains the difference between pain and suffering. Pain is a mandatory part of life. If someone punches you, it’s gonna hurt. But suffering is optional; suffering is the resistance you have to being in pain. You only suffer when you’ve decided that this pain shouldn’t be happening: which is where purposefulness comes in.

* Pain in service of a “why” that makes you feel purposeful is extremely empowering! * Pain in service of nothing whatsoever is infuriating and humiliating.

I was struggling in those mountains, yes, but I wanted to be struggling. I was empowered by my own struggle because it was in service of a “why” that felt pure and right. I never felt any resistance to it or labeled it “a problem” to solve, because I had signed up to struggle in this way.

Without resisting it, the presence of pain and discomfort only served to make me feel more proud and determined as we went on.

4. I’ve learned how to safely feel my feelings

Over the years of doing self-acceptance and embodiment work, I’ve purposefully cultivated a tolerance for my own feelings. (Check out the self-study course I created on feelings to learn more about how!)

It’s amazing how much less anxiety I have now that I can feel my feelings without freaking out.

I had asthma as a kid, and I used to get panic attacks. Doing cardio always used to make me feel like that — like I couldn’t get enough air, like I was going to die. That kind of fear led to panic attacks. I’d feel the initial discomfort, get anxious about the discomfort, panic about my anxiety, panic about my panic, and them BOOM: full blown panic attack.

Being able to tolerate the first stages of physical discomfort— to stay present, and loose, and keep breathing no matter what I’m feeling (aka to not experience resistance to my own feelings)— changes the whole pattern.

Despite all my purposefulness and confidence, fear is a powerful force. If I hadn’t learned to tolerate my fear safely, it might have hijacked the whole show and ruined my trip.

Whew. These were some powerful lessons packed into an intense experience.

Given this experience, the topic of staying constantly connected to meaning/purpose has just become a whole lot more interesting to me!

Can this be the key to feeling inner peace even when life is hard AF? Or maybe these together are the four keys— did I miss anything?

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Purposefulness vs Suffering appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

https://ift.tt/2Ck2FiM

[albertcaldwellne]

{#TransparentTuesday} Purposefulness vs Suffering

There I was, probably 100 feet from the top of the final peak, when my mom looked at me and asked if I wanted to take a break.

I meant to say no, that I didn’t want to hold her back, but instead I just collapsed to the rocks.

As I lay there (in the same crumpled body position you see when a cartoon character goes SPLAT on the sidewalk) I listened to the horrible wheezy-rhaspy sound my lunges had been making for the last hour. It was like a panting dog, if the dog had severe asthma and was having a panic attack.

The funny thing was that even as I lay there making involuntary animal sounds, my heart racing and my head woozy, I felt… fine.

I had been physically s-t-r-u-g-g-l-i-n-g with this last peak, since it was both the third high peak we climbed that day, and also the highest elevation. Somehow though, I felt curiously unbothered by my own pain and struggle. It was almost like I watched my body fighting this battle from some serene place inside myself, a place where despite the hideous sound I was making and the fact that my legs had collapsed unbidden onto the rocks, I knew there was nothing actually wrong.

Throughout the trip I had many of these moments, noticing my own physical struggle while maintaining a deep inner sense of calm.

At one point earlier on in the day, while hiking to the trailhead for our second peak, I had sat down and uncontrollably wept for a while.

It was as natural as taking a break for water when you’re thirsty. I sat down and the tears simply flowed until they were done. I wasn’t upset exactly, I just needed to cry. We’d been going since before the sun came up, and the terrain was extremely mentally and physically demanding.

When my mom’s husband heard I’d taken a crying-break, he recommended I skip the next peak and just rest. I was surprised, because despite the fact that I still had dirty tear-streaks down my cheeks, I knew nothing was wrong and I would absolutely be able to finish all the peaks. My feeling was that of an unshakeable calm, a steadfast serenity.

While my actual discomfort level was much higher than normal, my anxiety was much lower, and I find that fascinating.

I’ve reflected a lot on this trip and the fierce calm that underpinned the whole experience. What caused this anxiety-free state? Is it always available for me to tap into? Can I purposefully create more of it in my life? Where did this inner calm comes from?

Here’s what I’ve come up with:

1. Confidence in my own capacity to handle hard shit

I’ve done some terrifying, painful, and challenging shit in my life, so I know that until I’m faced with a new challenge, even I don’t know what I’m capable of. It’s pretty empowering to know I’m carrying around an untapped well of strength and courage inside me all the time, and it certainly comes in handy when I’m trying some new kind of challenge.

Plus, at a basic level… so far, I’ve survived 100% of those moments. I knew I would survive this one too.

2. Purposefulness

My purpose for this trip was always crystal clear, highly motivating, and aligned with my highest values. It never wavered through all the six weeks of training, or four days in the woods: my purpose was to be there for my mom as she finished this enormous accomplishment.

Not just physically there though, but emotionally there too; present; clear; light. (Aka not being irritable, grouchy, whining, or complaining.)

Having a strong sense of purpose— a super strong “why”–  is hands down the most important factor when it comes to accessing that state of clear-headed calm.

Had I been struggling that much for no reason, or for a worthless reason like a miscommunication or bad planning, I would have absolutely been throwing dramatic temper tantrums in my head the whole time, like WTF why do people do this shit?!?!

I know this because throwing internal (and sometimes external) temper tantrums is something I’ve done a lot of in my life. Being asked to suffer for a reason that isn’t important to me makes me absolutely, childishly livid.

What’s purposeful or meaningful for one person is completely different than for another though. I don’t like being inconvenienced or uncomfortable to save money for example, because saving money isn’t a value of mine. (You can’t take it with you when you die, y’all.)  But I’ll gladly endure all manner of pain and discomfort in service of my work, or spending quality time with loved ones.

Note: This is why I used to think I was lazy and anxious, but it turns out I just didn’t like getting out of bed to do random meaningless shit. Now that my career is linked to my purpose, I’m happy doing everything from IT issues to billing problems to program launches to endless emails. It’s also why a lot of people think they lack “willpower” when it comes to getting in shape, when really what they lack is a strong sense of purposefulness. It seems counter-intuitive, but losing weight and looking good naked just don’t often tap into a person’s core values or sense of meaning.

Which brings me to an interesting insight about the relationship between purposefulness and a general feeling of “resistance.”

3. Lack of resistance

In my day-to-day life, I often have resistance to stuff. Resistance is that feeling when something goes wrong or you’re like no it shouldn’t be like that!! Resistance is the cause of a lot of human suffering, because it creates a feeling of internal conflict that is both exhausting and unpleasant.

Think about resistance this way: if someone punched you in the face, you’d probably be pretty upset, right? But if for some reason you really wanted someone to punch you in the face, then despite the fact that it would still hurt, you’d feel happy or satisfied if someone did it.

In short, we only feel resistance when there is a discrepancy between what is happening and what we think should be happening.

This also explains the difference between pain and suffering. Pain is a mandatory part of life. If someone punches you, it’s gonna hurt. But suffering is optional; suffering is the resistance you have to being in pain. You only suffer when you’ve decided that this pain shouldn’t be happening: which is where purposefulness comes in.

* Pain in service of a “why” that makes you feel purposeful is extremely empowering! * Pain in service of nothing whatsoever is infuriating and humiliating.

I was struggling in those mountains, yes, but I wanted to be struggling. I was empowered by my own struggle because it was in service of a “why” that felt pure and right. I never felt any resistance to it or labeled it “a problem” to solve, because I had signed up to struggle in this way.

Without resisting it, the presence of pain and discomfort only served to make me feel more proud and determined as we went on.

4. I’ve learned how to safely feel my feelings

Over the years of doing self-acceptance and embodiment work, I’ve purposefully cultivated a tolerance for my own feelings. (Check out the self-study course I created on feelings to learn more about how!)

It’s amazing how much less anxiety I have now that I can feel my feelings without freaking out.

I had asthma as a kid, and I used to get panic attacks. Doing cardio always used to make me feel like that — like I couldn’t get enough air, like I was going to die. That kind of fear led to panic attacks. I’d feel the initial discomfort, get anxious about the discomfort, panic about my anxiety, panic about my panic, and them BOOM: full blown panic attack.

Being able to tolerate the first stages of physical discomfort— to stay present, and loose, and keep breathing no matter what I’m feeling (aka to not experience resistance to my own feelings)— changes the whole pattern.

Despite all my purposefulness and confidence, fear is a powerful force. If I hadn’t learned to tolerate my fear safely, it might have hijacked the whole show and ruined my trip.

Whew. These were some powerful lessons packed into an intense experience.

Given this experience, the topic of staying constantly connected to meaning/purpose has just become a whole lot more interesting to me!

Can this be the key to feeling inner peace even when life is hard AF? Or maybe these together are the four keys— did I miss anything?

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Purposefulness vs Suffering appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

https://ift.tt/2Ck2FiM

[almajonesnjna]

{#TransparentTuesday} Purposefulness vs Suffering

There I was, probably 100 feet from the top of the final peak, when my mom looked at me and asked if I wanted to take a break.

I meant to say no, that I didn’t want to hold her back, but instead I just collapsed to the rocks.

As I lay there (in the same crumpled body position you see when a cartoon character goes SPLAT on the sidewalk) I listened to the horrible wheezy-rhaspy sound my lunges had been making for the last hour. It was like a panting dog, if the dog had severe asthma and was having a panic attack.

The funny thing was that even as I lay there making involuntary animal sounds, my heart racing and my head woozy, I felt… fine.

I had been physically s-t-r-u-g-g-l-i-n-g with this last peak, since it was both the third high peak we climbed that day, and also the highest elevation. Somehow though, I felt curiously unbothered by my own pain and struggle. It was almost like I watched my body fighting this battle from some serene place inside myself, a place where despite the hideous sound I was making and the fact that my legs had collapsed unbidden onto the rocks, I knew there was nothing actually wrong.

Throughout the trip I had many of these moments, noticing my own physical struggle while maintaining a deep inner sense of calm.

At one point earlier on in the day, while hiking to the trailhead for our second peak, I had sat down and uncontrollably wept for a while.

It was as natural as taking a break for water when you’re thirsty. I sat down and the tears simply flowed until they were done. I wasn’t upset exactly, I just needed to cry. We’d been going since before the sun came up, and the terrain was extremely mentally and physically demanding.

When my mom’s husband heard I’d taken a crying-break, he recommended I skip the next peak and just rest. I was surprised, because despite the fact that I still had dirty tear-streaks down my cheeks, I knew nothing was wrong and I would absolutely be able to finish all the peaks. My feeling was that of an unshakeable calm, a steadfast serenity.

While my actual discomfort level was much higher than normal, my anxiety was much lower, and I find that fascinating.

I’ve reflected a lot on this trip and the fierce calm that underpinned the whole experience. What caused this anxiety-free state? Is it always available for me to tap into? Can I purposefully create more of it in my life? Where did this inner calm comes from?

Here’s what I’ve come up with:

1. Confidence in my own capacity to handle hard shit

I’ve done some terrifying, painful, and challenging shit in my life, so I know that until I’m faced with a new challenge, even I don’t know what I’m capable of. It’s pretty empowering to know I’m carrying around an untapped well of strength and courage inside me all the time, and it certainly comes in handy when I’m trying some new kind of challenge.

Plus, at a basic level… so far, I’ve survived 100% of those moments. I knew I would survive this one too.

2. Purposefulness

My purpose for this trip was always crystal clear, highly motivating, and aligned with my highest values. It never wavered through all the six weeks of training, or four days in the woods: my purpose was to be there for my mom as she finished this enormous accomplishment.

Not just physically there though, but emotionally there too; present; clear; light. (Aka not being irritable, grouchy, whining, or complaining.)

Having a strong sense of purpose— a super strong “why”–  is hands down the most important factor when it comes to accessing that state of clear-headed calm.

Had I been struggling that much for no reason, or for a worthless reason like a miscommunication or bad planning, I would have absolutely been throwing dramatic temper tantrums in my head the whole time, like WTF why do people do this shit?!?!

I know this because throwing internal (and sometimes external) temper tantrums is something I’ve done a lot of in my life. Being asked to suffer for a reason that isn’t important to me makes me absolutely, childishly livid.

What’s purposeful or meaningful for one person is completely different than for another though. I don’t like being inconvenienced or uncomfortable to save money for example, because saving money isn’t a value of mine. (You can’t take it with you when you die, y’all.)  But I’ll gladly endure all manner of pain and discomfort in service of my work, or spending quality time with loved ones.

Note: This is why I used to think I was lazy and anxious, but it turns out I just didn’t like getting out of bed to do random meaningless shit. Now that my career is linked to my purpose, I’m happy doing everything from IT issues to billing problems to program launches to endless emails. It’s also why a lot of people think they lack “willpower” when it comes to getting in shape, when really what they lack is a strong sense of purposefulness. It seems counter-intuitive, but losing weight and looking good naked just don’t often tap into a person’s core values or sense of meaning.

Which brings me to an interesting insight about the relationship between purposefulness and a general feeling of “resistance.”

3. Lack of resistance

In my day-to-day life, I often have resistance to stuff. Resistance is that feeling when something goes wrong or you’re like no it shouldn’t be like that!! Resistance is the cause of a lot of human suffering, because it creates a feeling of internal conflict that is both exhausting and unpleasant.

Think about resistance this way: if someone punched you in the face, you’d probably be pretty upset, right? But if for some reason you really wanted someone to punch you in the face, then despite the fact that it would still hurt, you’d feel happy or satisfied if someone did it.

In short, we only feel resistance when there is a discrepancy between what is happening and what we think should be happening.

This also explains the difference between pain and suffering. Pain is a mandatory part of life. If someone punches you, it’s gonna hurt. But suffering is optional; suffering is the resistance you have to being in pain. You only suffer when you’ve decided that this pain shouldn’t be happening: which is where purposefulness comes in.

* Pain in service of a “why” that makes you feel purposeful is extremely empowering! * Pain in service of nothing whatsoever is infuriating and humiliating.

I was struggling in those mountains, yes, but I wanted to be struggling. I was empowered by my own struggle because it was in service of a “why” that felt pure and right. I never felt any resistance to it or labeled it “a problem” to solve, because I had signed up to struggle in this way.

Without resisting it, the presence of pain and discomfort only served to make me feel more proud and determined as we went on.

4. I’ve learned how to safely feel my feelings

Over the years of doing self-acceptance and embodiment work, I’ve purposefully cultivated a tolerance for my own feelings. (Check out the self-study course I created on feelings to learn more about how!)

It’s amazing how much less anxiety I have now that I can feel my feelings without freaking out.

I had asthma as a kid, and I used to get panic attacks. Doing cardio always used to make me feel like that — like I couldn’t get enough air, like I was going to die. That kind of fear led to panic attacks. I’d feel the initial discomfort, get anxious about the discomfort, panic about my anxiety, panic about my panic, and them BOOM: full blown panic attack.

Being able to tolerate the first stages of physical discomfort— to stay present, and loose, and keep breathing no matter what I’m feeling (aka to not experience resistance to my own feelings)— changes the whole pattern.

Despite all my purposefulness and confidence, fear is a powerful force. If I hadn’t learned to tolerate my fear safely, it might have hijacked the whole show and ruined my trip.

Whew. These were some powerful lessons packed into an intense experience.

Given this experience, the topic of staying constantly connected to meaning/purpose has just become a whole lot more interesting to me!

Can this be the key to feeling inner peace even when life is hard AF? Or maybe these together are the four keys— did I miss anything?

The post {#TransparentTuesday} Purposefulness vs Suffering appeared first on Jessi Kneeland.

https://ift.tt/2Ck2FiM