#i’ll be back in my uni house and back to being independant which basically means constant high anxiety bc i have to think about food and

[nostalgiabones]

;

[realcube]

comfort with the haikyuu!! boys hcs 💝

characters: kenma, bokuto, ushijima, tsukishima, akaashi

thanks to anon for the request (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

ALL AGED UP! (no mature themes though) (i just like the post-timeskip domestic dynamics)

tw// hurt! reader, swearing, mentions of death, fluff, angst if you squint

Kenma Kuzome

bb has cat senses so he can tell when you’re sad

he can also tell bc you do the exact same thing he does when he’s sad, which is cuddle underneath blankets in bed, play animal crossing and blare lo-fi music to conceal your faint sobs

so when he walks into your shared room and notices you wrapped up in blankets on the bed, he does his best to suppress a snicker whicH HE FEELS SO BAD FOR HAVING IN THE FIRST PLACE

like he knows you’re sad but a part of his mind is just like ‘heh, (y/n) burrito.’ like you just look sO FKN CUTE!!

anyway, the first thing he always does when you’re down is approach you on the bed, sneak under the blankets and join to you to become a (y/n) & kenma burrito 

also, he might turn the speaker off depending on how loud the music is lol but if it’s at an okay volume then he’ll just leave it on and vibe with you for a bit as he desperately wracks his brain, trying to come up with something reassuring to say 

you usually comes up with the something basic like, ‘what’s wrong?’ but i mean, you don’t really mind - at least he’s making an effort and you know it must be difficult for him to think of things to say lol

depending on how sad you are, you might just tell him straight-up what happened or you might text him bc you don’t think you’ll be able to choke out an answer without bursting into tears again

then he’ll ask you if you want to be alone and act accordingly 

assuming that you say ‘no’ bc you want his presence, he’ll just recollect on the last time you comforted him while he was down and mimic it tbh

..you always comfort him so well 🥺 and whenever you console him, he always feels so much better so he just thought that maybe if he imitates you, then it’ll work just as well

so he started off by resting his head on your shoulder and whispering kind things in your ear just like you did to him, ‘you know i love you, right?’ , ‘i hope you feel better soon’, ‘do you want me to bring you some food?’

he’ll seriously do everything in his power to make sure that you’re as comfortable as possible 

and he’ll stay as a (y/n) & kenma burrito until you feel better or until the sun rises  ( *^-^)ρ(*╯^╰)

Kōtarō Bokuto

i’ve said this before and i’ll say it again - he’s such an empath and so overdramatic

so when he comes home from work and you don’t run up to the door to give him hugs & kisses- he’s about to burst into tears himself

so he sulks up to your room now IMAGINE HOW SHOCKED HE IS WHEN HE WALKS IN TO SEE YOU CRYING UNDER THE BLANKETS

emo-mode engaged :(

his hair deflates as he pounces on you and wails, ‘(Y/N)! WHY ARE YOU CRYING?! ARE YOU OKAY?! WHO HURT YOU?!’ (ಥ _ ಥ)

and the bitch dives on you while you are under the blanket, essentially scaring and suffocating you 

‘bokuto, get off me!’ you shrieked, wriggling out of his grip and out from under the blanket

 when he notices you had escaped the blanket with tear-stained cheeks, he felt even worse 

he threw himself into your arms, howling, ‘(Y/N)!! I AM SO SORRY!’

at this point all the blood had rushed to your head and you had kinda forgotten that you were sad for a moment or two

‘bo! you should know you’re own strength by now.’ you muttered, rubbing the underneaths off your puffy eyes

‘I KNOW!’ he wailed once more, burying his face into the crook of your neck

you sighed while rubbing his back, unable to supress a slight giggle, ‘bokuto..’ 

there was ages of silence between the two of you before he pulled away to look you in the eyes and asked, ‘(y/n), why were you crying before i got here?’

you’d explain the issue to him and he’d do everything in his power to solve it because the way he sees it, why should he try console you when he can just fix the variable that’s making you sad in the first place?

like, if you were just fired from your job, he’ll go full karen and he will call corporate to demand for your job back if you don’t stop him

or if your loved one died, he’ll become a fkn medium or study resurrection

or if you’re just stressed from exams/tests, he’ll just be like ‘why do you need to go to uni anyway?’

‘so i can get a qualification.’

‘why do you need that?’

‘so i can apply for a job.’

‘why do you need a job?’

‘so i can make money, so i don’t starve.’

‘you can have my money!’

you couldn’t help but chuckle at how much life-experience bokuto had, yet he will still so naïve; honestly, you couldn’t even tell if he was joking or not. ‘what if we break up?-”

“DON’T SAY THAT!” he gasped, instinctively tightening his grip on you

Wakatoshi Ushijima

both you and ushijima’s pride did not allow y’all to cry in front of one another 

if you ever had to cry, you’d just run to the bathroom, lock the door, turn on the tap to drown out the sound of your sobs and just let it all out

and if he ever had to cry, he’d just do it in the shower

but like- you both knew when the other one had been crying because of their puffy, damp eyes but you both mutually agreed to not mention it

i mean, up until now y’all had both been able to flourish in the relationship while dealing with emotions on your own so why bother changing?

and if anything, you both felt more comfortable crying to yourselves

 that was, until today

you had cracked under the pressure of your job - you were simply sitting at your desk in the study room, doing some work then it all just came crashing down

ushijima had just stepped out of the shower in his towel and was currently wandering around the house in search of you, to inform you that he ran out of shampoo so it would be greatly appreciated if you were to add it to the shopping list 

but when he entered the study to see you sitting there by your computer, bawling you eyes out..he froze

like he had to do a whole double-take bc he wasn’t sure if he was seeing this correctly

your face was buried in your hands so you didn’t notice him at first but then you heard him awkwardly clear his throat from the doorway and your neck immediately jerked to look at him

it was quite embarrassing for the both of you, ngl

like he was standing there half-naked, staring into your red eyes in hopes that what he saw was just a hallucination

after what felt like hours of deafening silence, ushijima broke it by muttering under his breath, ‘uh, is everything okay?’

‘everything is fine, toshi.’ you replied, forcing a bright smile onto your face as you went back to typing, ‘did you come down here to tell me somethi--’

‘i can tell that there is something wrong.’ he stated, walking towards you while using one had to hold his towel in place and draping the other over your shoulders to pull you into his chest. ‘do you want to tell me?’

you let out a long sigh, resting your cheek against his chest while still staring at the many tabs you had open on your desktop 

but ushijima quickly fixed that by taking your chin in-between his thumb and index finger, then turning your face to look up at him, 

‘work?’ he hummed his assumption

‘yeah.’ you mumbled, quite surprised at how understanding he was being

but then again, ushijima obviously knows what it feels like to be overworked and burnt out too, so he was able to provide a lot of empathy in that sense

Kei Tsukishima

ok a bit of tsukki slander but i feel like tsukishima would make it worse WEILUBRGBE

wait no well, he doesn’t make it worse but he doesn’t make it better either

like he’ll walk into the living room and see you curled up under a blanket on the couch, lightly sobbing from underneath- and he honestly doesn’t know how to act

this is the first time he’s seen you cry bc usually y’all keep your emotions to yourselves - you’re both v independent like that （￣︶￣)

anyway, mans thinks he can just tease the sadness out of you 🙄

‘awh, is my little couch goblin feeling sad?’ he said shakily, clearly intimidated by your figure lying on the couch, and you could tell he was nervous per his use of the nickname ‘couch goblin’

‘‘TSUKISHIMA, FUCK OFF!’ you barked, hastily wiping away your tears and clinging to blanket to prevent him from pulling it away, as the last thing you wanted him to see was your weary figure just so he could tease you about it 

‘bitch, i live here.’ he hissed, rubbing the back of his neck - feeling rather conflicted

on one hand, you seemed serious when you asked him to leave; plus, the last thing he wanted to do was make you feel uncomfortable by staying when you’re already sad

but on the other hand, he genuinely wanted to help

he’d feel bad if he were to just leave his s/o in tears when he could’ve done something to make you feel better 

‘do you really want me to go?’ he asked and for a change, not a hint of mockery or sarcasm was found in his voice

there were several moments of silence until you mumbled from under your blanket, ‘no.’ then proceeded to lift up your arm to allow him to crawl under the blanket and join you

he did so, pulling you against his chest so you could sob lightly against his cotton shirt while being engulfed by warm darkness

‘what could’ve possibly went wrong to make the evilest blanket demon cry?’

‘evilest blanket demon’ - that was definitely a new one, and you’d be lying if you said a small snicker didn’t escape your mouth at how monotonously he was able to deliver such a unique nickname

and after years of being in a relationship with tsukki, you’ve learned to find comfort in these nicknames considering they were a big part of how he expressed love 

in his vocabulary, ‘you’re so annoying.’ is equal to ‘i love you’

so him calling you an ‘evil blanket demon’ was, in his eyes, the highest and most sincere form of flattery

you eventually tell him what happened that made you sad and he just listens 

feel free to ramble on about anything/everything that’s worried you for the last few months bc he’s all ears 

he figured that other than make you dinner and hug you, that was the best thing he could do to help bc he was far from a romantic who’s good with words 

if he tries to console you verbally it would probably come out like ‘uh, don’t cry - i understand what you’re going through, i think, but like- cry if you want. this must be tough for you, to be honest.’

so he just listens to what you have to say and occasionally inputs a lil’ ‘mhm’ or ‘yeah’

he’s probably the most patient with you so you could stay sad on the couch for the next few weeks, as long as you’re eating the meals he delivers to you and you’re staying healthy, he’ll just let you mope until you feel better tbh

Keiji Akaashi

boyfie material right here

i’m hardly an akaashi simp but he’s probably the best at comforting you while you’re sad tbh

because he’s literally been dealing with bokuto and his emo-mode for god-knows how long so he’s very good with reassuring people😌

also, i just know that this man can detect emotions so well- evEN THROUGH TEXT ISTG

he’d text you the usual ‘goodnight ❤’

and you’ll quickly wipe away your tears that were blurring your vision to reply ‘goodnight 💕’ 

then he’ll deadass text back like ‘i’m coming over. what’s wrong?’

HE JUST KNOWS!! don’t question it bc he doesn’t even have a logical answer lol

anyway, he’ll arrive and immediately begin with the reassurance before you even tell him what’s wrong 

‘you’re coping so well, (y/n).’

‘i’m so proud and i love you so much.’

‘is there anything i can do to make you feel better?’

‘would you like a hug?’

‘you’re beautiful, (y/n). i hope you know that.’

‘do you want me to get you ice-cream?’

a king- 👑

also, you weren’t embarrassed to cry in front of him either bc you had seen him cry before 

plus, y’all both established at the very beginning of the relationship that you’d both try be as honest and open with your emotions as possible

so now, you were both sitting beside each other on your bed while sharing a banana split that akaashi made (you put the sprinkles on though so you basically gave it flavour ✨)

akaashi is definitely the therapist friend to so he gives great advice 

but if you don’t want his advice and you’d prefer him to just listen, then he can do that too 

honestly, he’d do basically anything to make you feel better 🥺

[koreanmadeingreece]

Why, why, why (4)

University student!Yuta x reader

Genre: slight enemies to lovers au, a bit of angst, a lot of fluff, and several mixups

Summary: You just got into uni and decided to move in with your childhood friend!Taeyong at the city where you are going to study. As you’re about to start your new, adult life, you meet his friends, and you realize that not everyone likes you. Nakamoto Yuta in particular almost seems like he hates you.

A/N: In this fic, Jonghyun from NU’EST appears for a while (just to avoid confusion). Also, wow I never thought I’d post this. I hope you guys like it. Also I thought I’d update every Sunday but I couldn’t restrain myself. Welp.

Warnings: n/a

Word count: 1.6K (I should let you know that I’ve finished writing it so I’ll update it every 3 or 4 days!)

Part 4/11 (I think) First / Previous / Next

Taglist: @melitadala @chxotickpoptrash @aiforyuu @fineapplehoe (please let me know if you’d like to be tagged!)

As soon as you told Chan what happened, after the other two left, he was speechless. He immediately offered to come home with you and help you choose what to wear, as he was the one person of those you had met that day that you were sure you reached your house, where you found Taeyong sitting with Yuta at the balcony. You let Chan in and Taeyong came to meet him in the speed of light.

“SO, you’re in her class, right? I’m Taeyong, oh and this is Yuta. We’re two years older. Do you like it here? Did you find a nice place? Oh, and let us know if you need anything…��

“Taeyong, just let the man breathe.” They both laughed at your comment and you went outside to find Yuta.

“Hey, how are you?”

“Great, thanks. You?” he asked, with a smile on his face.

“Awesome, honestly. My first day was amazing and I also met a lot of people, actually. I didn’t expect to be so lucky on my first day, so I’m kinda thrilled,” you said.

“And she’s got a date.”

“Chan, oh my god, it’s not a date!”

“Yet…” he smirked. Taeyong was looking at you in shock, and Yuta wasn’t even blinking for two seconds.

“Well, we went for a coffee with two other guys and the waiter kinda hit on me.”

“You hit on him first.”

“Fine. I hit on him first. The point is that I’ll see him again tomorrow and Chan came for emotional support.”

“Oh my god, my baby’s got a date!” Taeyong shouted in enthusiasm and ran to hug you.

“Did you say a waiter? Where?” Yuta asked.

“At that coffee shop close to our building. His name is Jonghyun. He’s a third-year student, so you might know him.”

“I do,” Yuta answered.

“And?”

“And what?”

“Is he nice? Like, am I going to die if I’m alone with him? Is he a good guy?”

“I think so, yeah,” Yuta replied. “I don’t know him well enough to have more details though.”

“It’s okay. I guess I should be thankful for the fact that you’ll know who to blame when you find me murdered at the bottom of a cliff.” You made everyone laugh. Yuta laughed as well. It was a beautiful sight to watch. You thought of that every time you saw him, but quickly snapped out of it, when Chan started dragging you back inside the house and towards your room.

“So, what’s the deal with you and those guys?” Chan asked, as he was going through your closet.

“Well, Taeyong’s my best friend ever since we were little and now, he’s my roommate, and Yuta is a friend whom he met here. He’s a nice guy.”

“Kinda cold though.”

“Yeah, he is. Taeyong’s other friends told me he’s a sweetheart when he opens up to people though.”

“I sure hope so, because he barely said hello to me earlier.”

“I hope so too…” you mumbled and continued searching with Chan, until he thought he had found the perfect outfit for you to mesmerize your potential date.

A while later he had to go, leaving you alone in your room to sit, when you heard a knock on your door.

“Are you decent?”

“Yeah, come in,” you said, and Taeyong opened the door.

“Will you come sit with us?”

“Taeyong, I wanted to talk to you about this.”

“What? Sitting with us? Did anything happen with anyone?”

“Oh no, not at all. But it’s not necessary that they always want me around. I just moved here and stole their friend away. And I don’t want them to think that.”

“But Johnny would never… And V, no.” He paused. “Is Yuta acting weird?” You didn’t even have time to react and he was already making assumptions. “If he is, I’ll kill him for sure. He has nothing to worry about! Tell me. Has he said anything to you?”

“No, of course not. He was being a bit distant and I asked Johnny about it, is all. But, Taeyong, think about it. You used to be two, and now I’m here. It’s not irrational to feel like this. Now, please go. You’ve left him alone.”

“Fine. Come whenever you want though. I have other friends besides him, and he needs to know that.” Taeyong left your room, obviously irritated. You worried that something would happen with Yuta, but you didn’t hear them raising their voices. You feared that one day it would happen, but you were safe for now. Besides, you had already met enough people to hang out with and not become a load on Taeyong and his friends. You were already becoming independent.

The next day, you wore the outfit you had found with Chan and went to college, where you found him staring at you from afar, admiring the work he’d done.

“Oh my god, red suits you so much.”

“Come on, you’re making me blush,” you said and he laughed.

“Are you ready for five long hours of class and then for your date?”

“Shhh, don’t say that so loudly. Someone might hear it.”

“Someone might hear what?” you heard and turned around, only to find Yuta standing right beside you.

“Nothing. What are you doing here?” you asked in panic.

“What do you mean? I study here.”

“Oh, right.”

Chan didn’t hesitate to interfere, seeing you were in complete panic mode. “Don’t get her wrong, she’s just nervous for this afternoon.”

“Ah, right, the date.” Yuta smiled. “I hope everything goes well with that. But, that’s not why I wanted to talk to you. Can you come with me for a second?”

“Oh no, don’t bother. I’m going to class, alright? I’ll get you a seat next to the others,” Chan said and you thanked him.

Yuta waited a few seconds for Chan to leave before he started talking, which seemed like the longest seconds of your entire life. “So, since you’re new here, and you probably don’t know about this, our department hosts movie nights two times a month for people from different departments to get to know each other. And it’s this Saturday. We’re watching The Zodiac Killer. Would you like to come? I told the others already and they said yes.”

As shocked as you were from Yuta’s suggestion, you thought you wouldn’t dare to lose this opportunity, since it only happened once in a lifetime. “Yes, I’d love to!” you exclaimed, trying and not succeeding to hold back your enthusiasm.

“Okay, I’ll text you the details,” he smiled. “Well, I probably won’t have to, though, as I’ll be seeing you all the time from now on. Anyway, I have to get going. Bye,” he said and left soon after, leaving you speechless and unable to go to class. Yuta, who was colder than an ice cube, had invited you voluntarily. If that wasn’t progress, you didn’t know what could be.

You went at your class, sat next to Chan, who was mocking you for Jonghyun all day, and BamBam, who was practically sleeping on is desk, and that was how the day passed until you actually had to man up and go to the coffee place.

“Chan, please slap me in the face. I can’t go in.”

“No, I can’t slap you. We need you to be pretty for your date.”

“Ah, come on! This is not the way to give some strength to a friend.”

“Neither is slapping you before meeting a hot guy!”

“Fuck, you’re right. Okay, I’m going in.”

“You’ve got this! I believe in you.” He waved goodbye at you and left as you entered the coffee shop around 5:30. You spotted him on the counter, taking an order from an older lady. You hadn’t consciously noticed it, but you spent a few seconds looking at him, admiring his subtle but rather gentle smile that showed off his cheekbones and all the beautiful characteristics of his face.

You soon snapped out of it, as you heard his voice.

“Y/N, you came! Hi! What can I get you?”

You blinked a few times, trying to get it together and actually retain contact with the planet earth, and replied to him. “Oh, hi! Um, a double cappuccino with a lot of sugar please.”

“Sure. You can sit for a while until I finish my shift and then we can go for a tour around the city, since you’re new. I can show you a few places if you’d like and maybe we can sit somewhere…?” he said, smiling. You couldn’t take your eyes off his smile. He was incredibly handsome and seemed like an amazing guy. What could possibly go wrong?

“Yeah, sure! I’d love to,” you replied. Besides, it wasn’t really that hard to watch this guy work while enjoying a perfect cup of coffee.

After a few minutes, you noticed him going at the back of the shop. He returned moments later, wearing his normal clothes and not the shop’s uniform, finding you emerged in your thoughts.

“You look so good in red.”

“Oh my god thanks,” you were already blushing, three seconds into your date. That was when you realized he was wearing a dark gray shirt and black pants that made him twice more handsome than usual. In fact, you wished Chan hadn’t left the city center just to see him like this. You were sure your words would not even be close to how he really looked. “You don’t look bad yourself,” you teased.

He offered you his arm and you followed, watching him show you the basics in the city since you were new there. He knew all the best coffee shops, bars and stores you wouldn’t notice at first glance. After a while, you decided to sit at a place near the park for a beer, since there was the best view. The orange leaves falling off trees were the best setting for your date. Or, at least what was starting to look less than a get-to-know encounter and more like a date.

[writingwithacupoftea]

It’s been one hell of a week, and I want to share a life update with you all...

I don’t really know what this post is gonna be. I think it’s gonna be kinda like journaling, but I actually wanted to feel like I was talking to someone about it, even if no one reads it. I’m going to put everything below the cut, and if you wanna read it, cool, and if you don’t, that’s equally alright. I’m not scrapping for sympathy, I just want to talk to people that aren’t in my quote on quote ‘real life’ (pls don’t be offended, I love you all dearly).

So, feel free to ignore, this is going to be completely unedited, raw rambling about stuff that I need to get off my chest.

I guess I’ll start with the good stuff: I got accepted to interview for my teacher training course!!!!! I’m absolutely over the moon, and incredibly grateful to have this opportunity 🥰

I’m having a long weekend at home with my family, which is lovely, because it feels like ages since I was back at home. My amazing bestie/house mate sent me the cutest little care package this morning and omg I love her so much 🥺

I’m also finally starting to get on top of uni work, which is a big weight off my shoulder now I need to start with interview prep as well.

Now, before we move onto the bad stuff, a bit of backstory...

In December 2019, I got into a relationship with a guy who, quite frankly, is unlike any other boy I’ve ever met. He’s so kind, considerate, selfless, generous, funny, caring - basically every girl’s dream guy. We have similar interests, have never fought once, and were friends before we got into a relationship.

We had an incredible 3 months together as a couple, with so many incredible memories and laughs... and then lockdown happened in the England.

The announcement on 23rd March this year that England was going into lockdown sent me spiralling into my first ever panic attack (which was an absolutely horrendous experience) and my Mum drove up to my uni house in the middle of the night to bring me home.

I anticipated being at home for a few weeks, and then it turned into months. But these months were some of the best months of my life - Mum and I would go walking in the fields around where we live and have tv nights together, me and my friends from held games nights over zoom every Friday night so that we could see each other - it was incredible.

It was during these months at home that I decided, on a whim and not telling anyone other than my parents, to email my old school to see if they were part of any teacher training courses. At this point, I didn’t know for sure if I wanted to go straight into teaching after finishing my degree or if I wanted to do another job for a few years before committing myself to teaching. I’m a big believer in fate, and thought the response that I get to this email will decide.

So I sent it and, miraculously, got a response within a week, saying that they would be delighted to have me. I was ecstatic. Obviously nothing had been confirmed, because I still had to apply and be interviewed, but I had been given the confirmation that I didn’t realise that I so desperately wanted.

I texted my boyfriend and rang my best friend to tell them the news, and they were over the moon for me. But I also had to tell my boyfriend that this meant that I would be moving back to my home town once I finished my degree, something which is now mere months away.

I now had a clear direction in which my life was going, I’d smashed my second year at uni with flying colours, and my confidence in myself had flown up to an all time high. I had completely fallen in love with the person that I had become. Lockdown had also meant that I regained my love of my independence, and I realised that I wasn’t missing my boyfriend at all. In fact, the main person that I was missing was my best friend.

It was at this point that I started to have doubts about my relationship. 

Surely after months of being apart I should’ve started to miss him? I even found myself not looking forward to going to see him for our birthdays as planned. Our text conversations had grown stale, and I didn’t want to call him because I had no clue what to say to him.

I’ve always been very career-minded. My focus was completely on my future plans, and he wasn't there in my visions as my boyfriend. He was there as a friend, yes, but not my boyfriend.

When I went to meet him in our uni city for our birthdays, I felt more like I was meeting up with a good friend and not my boyfriend.

I think by this point I had built all these feelings up so much in my head that it was always going to be hard to move past them. But I said to myself that I wasn’t going to make any decisions about what to do with my relationship until I had moved back to uni for a couple of months and we spent some time together again properly, going back to near enough the way that things used to be before the pandemic took over.

So I moved back to uni, and this takes us nearly up to present day.

First of all, we both worked to run some of the event during the uni’s freshers’ week, which left us exhausted and busy. The week after we went into lectures, and the pressure hit me straight away.

To work at my dream school, I need a first-class degree (that’s the highest ranking of undergraduate degree that you can get in England). Yes, I’m already averaging at a good first, but the pressure to keep it up is immense. If I don’t get this grade, all the things that I’ve worked so hard to achieve will go down the drain.

On top of all my degree work, I was completing my teacher training application, running weekly events at the Students’ Union (SU, for short), being dragged into meetings every other week...it’s been insane.

So me and my boyfriend hadn’t had a single date night since we got back. Again, I hadn’t missed it and I was completely fine with it.

I then got invited for an interview for my teacher training course, and realised how busy I was going to be for the rest of this academic year. I didn’t know how the hell I was going to maintain a relationship on top of everything else. I then thought about what my life would be like when I started my course next September. If I was being realistic, I knew that I wouldn’t be able to maintain a long-distance relationship.

I also didn’t think that I wanted to maintain it. I missed being single, I was putting off date nights that he was trying to arrange in favour of chilling by myself in my room. But I also felt bad that I was essentially going to be putting my relationship on hold for a semester, to then resume as usual for a few months at the beginning of 2021, to then say actually I don’t think I can make this work when I moved home.

So on Tuesday, after much deliberating and talking, my boyfriend and I mutually decided to part ways as a couple after 10 months of being together, but remain the best of friends.

I was a lot more upset than I thought I would be, considering that I had brought the topic up and essentially instigated it (although the decision was mutual).

I sobbed and sobbed, and it was then that I started to doubt my decision. He’s devastated, my Mum too, and I started to wonder if I’d made a mistake.

When talking to my Mum on the phone, I listed all of his good qualities and how amazing he his and my Mum just asked “If he’s this good, as I know he is, why did you want to break up with him? There’s not many like him out there.”

I’m still thinking about that question. It genuinely haunts me.

I’ve been alright for the past few days. After a good sleep on Tuesday night, I woke up feeling okay and like all my doubts about my decision had vanished.

I’ll be honest, I’ve always been a Mummy’s girl. Her opinion and advice mean the world to me. And I know that she disagrees with the decision that I made to leave my boyfriend, she’s said it to my face multiple times. And now, the only thing making me doubt my decision is the fact that she is completely in disagreement, saying how amazing we were together as a couple and questioning how I could let him go.

I know it’s my decision, but her opinion means a lot to me. She’s always known what’s best for me, been so right about so many people, and that’s scaring me beyond belief.

We’re going to talk about it later today, and I have no clue what’s going to happen.

So I’m feeling a bit all over the place at the moment, that’s the only way I can describe it. Who knows what’s going to happen next - I sure don’t...

If you made it this far, honestly congratulations because I don’t think I would’ve 😂

Thank you for listening to me ramble, and thank you for being there for me to talk to.

All my love,

Emily x

[souvercine]

hey y’all ! i’m jia and i’m super excited for opening; i have two super clingy cats in case any of you ever need a visual pick-me-up, i’m a uni student in canada and a big skincare and dark chocolate junkie, more than likely gonna be typing replies while indulging in either jsyk !

tried to keep it short since i’m a rambly bitch, but xan’s basic stats and a proper wc page will be up soon as i just got home from grocery shopping and we open in an hour as of typing this, the theme as a whole will get a refresh eventually and i’ll be posting a little tracklist for her playlist later ! and if tumblr ims are as much of a nuisance for you as they can be for me, you can add me on d*scord at genuinely sick of this shit#2030 if you’d like to plot ! anyways, without further ado:

( samantha logan , cis female , she/her, twenty-four ) omg ! i was walking yonge street downtown , and you’ll never guess who i saw . xanthe lowe ! i just saw a post about them on sixsecrets ! i think it said something like “ when they go high, she goes lowe ! xan spotted leaving a gala with her former friend’s ex, after last week’s reportedly tense exchange between the girls ” . isn’t that wild ? i guess it makes sense through , since they’re apparently merciless and imperious . but i’ve heard they’re also conspicuous and astute ! i’ll just stick to giving them the benefit of the doubt . i mean , it’s not like i know them personally — they’re a famous socialite ! you know , i’ve actually heard rumors that redacted , but they’re just rumors … i think . i dunno . if you happen to run into them , tell them i’m their biggest fan !

tw: drug mention

when i tell you that i have so many muse posts i’m holding back on for this bitch —

which, btw, will all slowly see the light of day soon enough bc god knows i can’t articulate my muses’ personalities as well as i’d like so that shit makes up for it fdgslk

her parents’ eldest child together, xanthe’s also the oldest out of her and her siblings

also, never call her xanthe. friend or otherwise, don’t take the risk dklgsjdlk

grew up with a silver spoon, her dad being a wall street giant and her mother being an entrepreneur with a love for art ( so much so that her two partners after separating from xan’s dad were artists themselves sdlkgj )

thus she split her time between toronto and manhattan even before her parents’ divorce, she merely spent more time jetting back and forth for special occasions and vacations compared to when her parents were still together

mind you, she was probably still in the single digits when that became a new normal for the brat

basically could’ve been a main character on gossip girl with her reckless antics and partying as a teenager…. and now, even sgdlkf

drk how to elaborate on that, aside from stressing that from her teen years onward she’s presented her own take of a rich bitch, and is a socialite/fashion week regular type if i were to describe where she stands rn

i think a good mix of references would be nicky hilton meets the delevingne sisters meets blair waldorf and sabrina pemberton’s lovechild

she attended an ivy league at the behest of her father so he had at least one child who could take a senior position in his company simply to keep it in the family

.. before he realized what a Mistake™ it would be to put that responsibility on xan and now has her slightly older cousin as a backup instead GDSLFJKS but nonetheless !

isn’t the most studious person, but she somehow wound up graduating with a major in communications and a marketing minor

she reasoned that, with her reputation in the gta and nyc, she’d need the bit of knowledge in how to clean up her messes. even if she wasn’t the one who had that responsibility

though.. the entire time has been spent sleeping with some of her rich friends, drinking and smoking pot, with the occasional hit of whatever clean enough drug that one of her friends had on them

as of now, she’s pissing off her neighbours with her house parties wherever she might be at a given time, staying in the good graces of the media as a budding, fun yet classy heiress — despite doing dumb shit the second she’s inside of a gala or club

uhhh ik i had something else to add but a quick break for dinner messed that up, rip LKGFSJD

personality and shit

her little blurb on my indie is: refined party girl still set in her ways with her future left uncompromised; detached and pretentious, she soaks up the attention that continues to roll in

which. we’ve basically been over already lkdfsg but still

if i were to use a label to describe her, she’d be the sovereign

she’s messy as hell, but puts on the façade of a poised woman who has some fun because she knows it bodes well

she’s not a complete dick per se, but she can be snide and boastful

big superiority complex, independent and lives lavishly with reckless abandon

probably jets back and forth between nyc and the gta as it’s her version of normal, so ig she hates the environment if it means not having things go her way !

non-committal as all hell and will abandon girl code if she drops you fgkljfs

.. fr, she’ll fuck an ex-friend’s ex if she technically saw them first, so being spiteful and resolving some past attraction ?? right up her alley !

hence the choice of headline gdfslkj

keeps her true inner circle small, but gets off on attention and likes to stay cordial with some people, so she’s got quite a few friends all the same

she’ll fight tooth and nail to protect her image and won’t hesitate to throw anyone under the bus to do so/in retaliation if they screw her over

which happens to mean that her family is to be protected as well. fuck with any of her sisters ?? you’re done ! try to call out one of her brothers on twitter ? she’ll quote it with a single clown emoji as a warning

there really isn’t much to expand on tbh, though i will say that her emboldened nature and need for a good time however she can get it comes out more than her uglier side ( except her vanity. that’ll never go away ksfdg )

some quick plot ideas

a childhood friend or two that she made in either of her main hubs or through events she attended when she was young, whether they’re still friends or not for x reasons can be discussed of course

could carry over into a trio type of thing depending on where she stands with either of them, or they’re a different couple of pals she’s made in the last few years

enemies are always fun ! probably rooted in a competitive streak more than anything else but i’m all ears for a more complex reason

ex-hookup(s), current hookup(s), throw it all at me klgfjd

a hateship/ewb would be fun with her too, oh my god sfdgklj

it should go without saying that they are all relatively wealthy or well-connected kids here, but that doesn’t mean that someone who’s using her for their fifteen seconds of fame, or just to get some perks out of their friendship, is necessarily a write-off — not that she cares too much about fake friends, face value hype and knowing they need her more than she needs them gives her too much satisfaction fkskgls

an ex-something, open to anyone. either someone her parents forced on her to straighten her out that she wound up liking…. after a good period of her telling them to fuck off sdglk or someone she’d been seeing for a while at her own accord. would’ve ended the same way: with her calling it off because she didn’t want to settle down, not even for a relationship ( and perhaps bc she’s scared of commitment with her cracked family dynamic that’s been a thing since age two, but that’s another story jsdfkg )

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #250

"you’re so pretty, dripping sin.”

Do you plan on having children in the future? No. How big is your house? It's very small. Two bedroom, one bathroom. Do you believe that the world will actually end? Humanity, yes. The planet being inhabitable, probably at some point. The universe itself, life itself, won't, though. Describe your handwriting: Very fancy/fluid, a weird mix of cursive and print. Can you speak any other languages than your first language? Some German, but not a lot by now. I've lost a lot of memory of it. If you could speak another, which would it be? I wanna be fluent in German, but it's not something I pursue 'cuz I guess like... why. I don't think I'll ever really apply it to my life, nor is it something I'm DYING to do, so paying for classes just seems. Idk. What is one trend you think is stupid? I don't care. Let people enjoy things. Do you ever watch any soap operas? No. Do you ever get goodnight or good morning texts from people? Not usually. If I do, it's only ever Sara. When did you last go to the doctor and what for? I'm assuming you mean a general doctor, in which case, I think it was just a regular check-up a month or so back. Are you socially awkward? To a painful degree that I'm incredibly sick of. Can't be in a social situation and not feel uncomfortable even if it saved my ass. Would you rather watch a comedy movie or horror movie? It would depend on my mood, but horror would usually win. Do you know where your family came from? Europe. If you could choose to be any mythical character, which would you choose? Realistically, probably like, an elf or something 'cuz they're pretty unlike me so it'd be a nice change. :^) Where are both of your parents right at this moment? Mom's at church, and Dad is probably at home 'cuz it's Sunday. Have you ever seen a movie so ridiculous you couldn’t watch the rest? Yep. Does it make you angry when people text short messages back? If I'm seriously trying to have a conversation, it doesn't make me *angry*, just aggravated. What is your favorite animal and why? Meerkats. I could write a damn essay on why, but I'm not up for it, so basically, they are just extremely interesting animals with serious fire in a foot-tall body. Are you satisfied with your gender? Yeah. Have you ever kept a successful diary before? Not really. Well, I guess for short periods of time. I'd call them just "journals," though. It was something to do every time I stayed in the hospital, a good, insightful thing even, and just really at my lowest times, it helped me, but I never stuck to it. Are you good at admitting your problems? I think I'm very honest about them, really. Have you ever had a hangover? No. What is something you’re looking for in the next three months? I don't know. What’s something you normally cannot spell on your own? I have trouble with certain words where "e" or "a" could both easily be used (ex., "independEnce"), so I rely on spellcheck with words like those a lot. Looks or personality? Which is more important to you? Personality. Do you know any strippers? I don’t think so. How many times have you dyed your hair? Holy fuck idk. What is something that reminds you of your childhood? Cranium games. Do you think you eat healthy? I think I eat decently. Since I started paying attention to calories, I improved a lot. How would you describe your style of speech? Are you a fast/slow speaker? Do you stutter often? Generally, I think I speak quietly (but sometimes actually too loud, according to Mom) at a pretty normal pace, sometimes kinda fast, but I stutter a lot. When was the last time you’ve visited a family member’s house? What was the occasion? I haven't been to anyone's in a while... I think the last time was when I went to Ashley's to babysit my nephew a few months ago. Have you ever tried to construct a language? How do you feel about fictional languages (such as Dothraki and Klingon)? Not really. One of my old RP friends and I kinda-sorta had this "ancient meerkat language," but it was faaaar from developed. I don't feel any particular way about fake languages. Were you born and raised into a certain religion? What was it and have you changed your religion? Yes, Roman Catholicism. I've changed my religion quite a few times... Well, I don't like "changed." It just developed away from what was instilled in my head as a little kid. How do you usually feel when one of your favorite television or book series end? This doesn't apply to me really, because I haven't been involved in those things for a long time. The only one that I really cared about/was watching when it was current content was Meerkat Manor. I was sooooo so bummed out. That show had such, such, SUCH a colossal impact on my life. What do you like most about your town or neighborhood? Nothing. Well, it's small. Are you looking forward to any upcoming events? I'm obviously anticipating Mom starting chemo this week, but also very nervous. I don't want to see the physical toll it takes on her. What were your first impressions on your current best or closest friend? Lmao it's still funny to this day to me, our start... I just didn't like her. I thought she was over-dramatic and attention-crazed. What would you do if you knew a person that you were not fond of or even disliked, but they considered you as a friend? Would you confront them, avoid them, etc.? "I wouldn’t confront them unless something happened that made it come to a head. I’d try to be civil yet non-committal. It would also depend how I knew them and how much I had to interact with them." <<<< This. It doesn't seem necessary to just randomly walk up to this person and be like "hey you know you're not my friend, right?" Just leave it be unless something occurs where it seems more relevant. What are some things that you do to make you feel relaxed? Listen to music, nap... How often to do go to concerts? What was your favorite experience so far? Not even nearly enough because 1.) I'm not in a position where I can afford tickets and 2.) NO good bands like, ever come here. We only ever have country bands. The only concert I've been to was Alice Cooper, which was great. What is your newest and/or current passion? Newest, uhhhh. Idk man. I have a lot of current passions, but none surpass the Blazing Inferno of Love in my heart for Mark Edward Fischbach. Do you still have a fear that you had held since childhood? If not, how did you overcome one or more of your childhood fears? Yes, dolls. It's really mild now, but still, I really don't like porcelain dolls. What is your favorite type of weather? In general, a moderate snow. To actually be in, ohhhh man, gimme that cool, crisp fall air with a partly cloudy sky, very little to no breeze, depending on how cool it is. Do you watch documentaries? If so, do you have a particular favorite? I love animals docs. Meerkat Manor is of course my favorite. Is there a particular sentence or line from a book that carries a deep meaning to you? What is that sentence/line and why does it speak to you? I'm sure there is, but none immediately come to mind. When's the last time you ate bread? A couple days back for a sandwich. What's the last movie you watched on your own? UHHHHHHHH I think it was The Shining. Great movie, so glad I finally watched it. What about the last movie you watched with another person? Now this I'm unsure about, but I want to say The Lion King (live action) with Dad. What about the last movie you saw at the cinema? Was it good? ^ It was fucking great. I mean maybe I'm biased because it's my favorite movie, but either way, the hate it got shocked me. I know people were upset about like "oh they looked so emotionless" but like... they're animals made in the most realistic portrayal possible. I thought that was very cool. Do you attend school, college, or uni? I'm a college student. What do you study, wherever you study? Photography. What industry do you want to be a part of when you’re older? At least SOMETHING with art, or even animal rescue and conservation. How many girls can you trust? Like, two. What about guys? Also probably two, maybe three. How do you earn your keep? I don't. I don't/can't work (at least right now) and my disability case was just denied for the second time, so, y'know, I'm basically a leech. If you could speak three different languages fluently, what would they be? Not including English? German, Japanese, and Spanish, for convenience's sake. Who do you usually text the most? My mom or Sara. Baths or showers? Showers; baths gross me out. Cheese or tomato? Noooot a tomato fan, so. At least I like some cheese. Shaved legs or shaved arms? ??? I mean I think shaving your legs is more noticeable, but I don't care. I'd only ever shave my legs (I mean unless I had a good reason to shave my arms?), but shave whatever you want, dude. How many coats do you own? One winter coat. What about shoes? A handful, though I only ever wear my sneakers or flip-flops, lol. One word to describe your most recent ex? A soldier. Fried, poached, boiled or scrambled eggs? I will only ever fully eat scrambled eggs. Boiled, I'll only eat the whites. Fuck yolk, shit's gross. Have you ever been surprised with breakfast in bed? No. Where, in your current cournty, would you like to live, other than where you do now? Western NC, in the mountains. It's beautiful. Where wouldn’t you want to live? Several places, like North Korea. Do you like snow? I'm a kid when it comes to snow, I love it. Have you always got good grades? Up until college, I did... Do you like sheer clothing? With something under it, yes. List four things about your facial appearance: 1.) It's this really weird mix of dry as hell and oily; 2.) I have blue/gray eyes; 3.) I wear large, black-rimmed glasses; and 4.) I have a vertical labret in my bottom lip. List four things about your general appearance: 1.) I'm fat even though I've worked my fucking ass off to keep losing weight for two years now :^); 2.) I have some but certainly not enough tattoos and piercings; 3.) I'm very pale; and 4.) I have very short, brown hair that needs to be dyed immediately. List four things you like about yourself: 1.) I'm extremely empathetic; 2.) I care a fucking LOT about the people I love; 3.) I'd say I let myself fall kinda easily, yet I'm resilient as shit and will always get back up; and 4.) I'm extremely open-minded and capable of considering a whole lot. List four things you dislike about yourself: 1.) MY GOTDAMN WEIGHT; 2.) my teeth are too yellow for my liking (I've been exceptionally self-conscious of that lately as I've used whitening strips); 3.) I'm extremely impulsive with what I say and do when I'm seriously upset; and 4.) I will, without fail, jump to the worst possible conclusion in any and all situations. List four of your favorite TV programs: 1.) Meerkat Manor; 2.) That '70s Show; 3.) Fullmetal Alchemist (+Brotherhood); and 4.) Deadman Wonderland. List four of your favorite foods/drinks: 1.) Mountain Dew Voltage is my absolute worst enemy; 2.) I will ANNIHILATE the spicy shrimp fritas from Olive Garden; 3.) the shrimp & cheese quesadillas from Mexican restaurants are not safe either; and 4.) pizza is, of course, rather gucci. Cats or dogs? Idk, I really like both. Have you ever seen anyone famous in the street? Hunty I live in NC, that doesn't happen here. Are you hungry right now? No. What do you think of couples who have entire albums just for them, with pictures of them just randomly at home, doing nothing that really requires a photo? Dude, I love that. Cherish every moment with each other. Make memories, freeze them in pictures. Can you work the microwave? Well, considering it's the only thing I cook in and we've had the same one my entire life (ours is extremely old/can't be bought anymore and is SERIOUSLY durable with time, apparently, as it works perfectly), I know it well. Can you work the washing machine? Heh. Not really... embarrassing as that is. My mom does both of our laundry together, so... but I should seriously still know. She's shown me a few times, but with how abominably horrid my memory is, I forget again and again. There's too many options. Do you like your photo being taken? NO. Have you ever got into a club, whilst being underage? Never been to a club period. How many magazines do you buy a month? None. How many of them are car-related? "If I did, they certainly wouldn’t be car related. That doesn’t interest me at all." <<<< Big same. What about fashion? Well, I'd like ones that offered alternative clothing choices that you could order. Any celeb gossip ones? Ew. What pets do you have? We're about to have only two: my snake Venus and cat Roman. With Mom's cancer diagnosis and both chemo and surgery coming along, she simply can't handle our dumb dog anymore. He's needed to go for a LONG time, so we're trying to find a new home for him. Last gig you went to? Still Alice Cooper. Next gig your going to? Should Ozzy still have his concerts like he wants to after his treatments in Sweden or wherever it is, most likely him. Mom and I planned to, and we will absolutely go if he reinstates them. I'm completely understanding if this doesn't happen though; he has to take care of himself, the poor 'ole man. Bless him. Life's a cruel bitch, giving a legendary singer Parkinson's (it's going to disable him from singing with time). Favorite color? Pink! o: Are you regularly tired? Only always, my friend. Are you excited to live on your own? Completely alone, no. I know it would be extremely unhealthy for me with depression and becoming so easily lonely and unmotivated without encouragement and companionship of some sort. I'll have to live with a spouse. Even then, I'm nervous about it. Living with Jason and our friends in that apartment was both a good and very bad experience; it taught me a good deal of independence, but I still found it very stressful. When do you plan on moving out? When I've been in a long-term, healthy relationship. Do you daydream? Only all the time. Do you dream at night? More like have nightmares/terrors almost nightly. BUT! They've actually chilled some the past few days!! I don't recall what the dream was (but I'm 90% sure Mark was in it, A SHOCKER), but I woke up laughing hysterically recently, Mom told me. So that could only be a good sign. When you’re sick, do you like to be pampered, or left alone? A mix, but mostly the former honestly. Halp pls. But I also want my time to sleep. Are you superstitious? Nope. How many pictures are in your wallet? Ohhh I'm actually not sure. I know I have a handful of my nieces and nephews. I need one of Emerson now. If someone cries while watching a sad movie..do you laugh at them? ???? That is so insensitive???? No???? How often do you change your sheets? I'm... not sure, actually? I know at LEAST once a month (which probably isn't enough), but possibly another time? Idk, I don't pay attention. I just do when I feel it's time to. Is you bedroom upstairs or down? We only have one floor. Is it true blood is thicker than water? Nope. If you could wish someone out of your life... who would it be? Well, he's not *literally* a part of it, but Jason, as far as in my head. Remembering him, sudden memories, flashback prompts, all that jazz are very much daily events. Truly, it doesn't *really* affect me much anymore, it's just so "normal," but it would certainly be grand if he wasn't the most staple person in my head. If you could be with anyone in the world..famous or not..who would it be? HUNNY SWEET CHILD- Are you high maintenance? Nope. If you could change one thing in the world... what would it be? PEACE. JUST PEACE. No war, no violence in general, just. Handle shit like mature adults. If you could star in any movie... which would it be? None. I'm too self-conscious of myself to be in a movie, and I'm a horrible and extremely awkward actress. If you could live in a fairy tale..which would it be? "Alice in Wonderland." <<<< 100% 100% 100%. If you could live in the past..where would it be? The '80s, baby!! If you could see only one person right now..who would it be? Ugh, Sara. I've missed her to death and desperately wanna hang out. Do you wear shoes in the house? No sir. Do you dream in color or black and white? YO! I only recently learned this is a thing with some people, but I dream in color. What is your favorite accent? British. Do you write poetry/songs/stories? Poetry, occasionally. Stories, well, you could easily consider RP that, as we're all collaboratively writing many. Do you wear socks with sandals? gtfo of here with that shit Would you marry for money? HA, no. Do you have any “in the mood” music you like to listen to? AHAHA YES I'M SORRY. Would you vote for a woman president? "If she was a good candidate in my own personal opinion, yeah." <<<< "This. I want to vote for someone who I feel can do the best job. Their gender has nothing to do with it." <<<< Ditto. Are looks/appearances really important? For me personally, not really. Like yes, it's nice to feel physical attraction towards your love interest, but it's a very, very little factor for me, if at all. When you die, do you want to be cremated or buried? Please just cremate me. I really don't wanna be buried. Just taking up space. Do you like to play video games? Yeah, but not as much as I used to, though I wish I did... I think I've watched way too many let's plays to where I can enjoy just fine watching YTers I like experience the game, and I do secondhand while getting some good laughs. Do you like Final Fantasy? Which one do you prefer of all? Oh my god, I wish I was more involved in that series, as I know how madly beloved it is. I used to be obsessed with the demo for FFVIII; my sister, brother, and I would play it like mad, but only Bobby could beat it. The final spider-like boss of the demo was fuckin impossible. I did play a lot of FFVII, which I adored, it was just... so long and by maybe over halfway through, I just drifted from it. I need to watch a playthrough of it, honestly, because the story was so captivating and I genuinely would love to witness how it ends. Have you ever caught on fire? WOW no thank fuck. Do you have a YouTube channel? Yeah, but I don't really make stuff anymore. I don't have Vegas on this computer and honestly I'm just not motivated to really make videos. Do you ever go to video game arcades? No. :( Do you care what people think of you? In most cases, VERY MUCH. Not always, though, but it STRICTLY depends on the situation, big time. Like, I'll walk into Wal-Mart in my pj's np, but there are just a lot of things where I will seriously care too much. Have you ever had a crush on a teacher? No. I had one teacher that ALL the girls thought was super attractive, but I definitely didn't have a crush on him... and then later he got fired for sexual relations with one of the students. OOF. Do you like Lady Gaga? I don't mind her, usually. She's got some good jams. "Bad Romance" is legendary. Do you think you have been in love before? Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadly in love, friends. Do you like Edgar Allan Poe? Love him! Have you ever gotten hit on by some creeper? Oh god yeah and it was awful. Do you bless random people when they sneeze? Yep. Do you have a short temper? No. Have you ever had a yard sale? Yes. Do you go to Barnes and Noble for books, the library or someplace else? I go to Books-A-Million. Do you have an iPad? Nope. Are you scared to die? Yes and no. It's the unknown of what comes after that makes me apprehensive. Do you go to church every Sunday? I never go. Do you think you draw well? I honestly think I draw decently. Have you ever wanted to be a meteorologist? No. Do you like Taylor Swift? Not really, and DEFINITELY not newer stuff, but I will rock hardcore to "Picture To Burn," "Safe and Sound" is positively beautiful, and "Love Story" used to be my favorite song at one point.

[theheightsthatwuthered]

Hi. You once wrote you picture Lucy Snowe being aroace, that's interesting. I would love to know more of your interpretation. How would you interpret her relationships to John and Paul (and maybe even Ginevra)? Didn't Lucy thought in one scene, that Paul is now "more than a friend" for her or something? I'm always here for aroace headcanons (and 'Villette' is one of my favorite books) - so, convince me ;) (Sorry for my english btw)

Lucy Snowe: Aromantic and Asexual

Lucy for me was not a character who would ever want to get married and settle down with kids and all that expected life. She is a ball of anxiety and fear of the future but she is also fiercely independent. Now, of course, being independent doesn’t make you AroAce, you can be independent and attracted to people or in relationships of course. And the vast majority of Lucy’s independence comes from the fact that she has little choice. She has no family to support her and she loses contact with the Brettons for many years, so she is unable to even has that familial support from them.

But on top of this Lucy isolates herself. She speaks a few times of not having friends to speak of, but she also does not make any effort to make friends with anyone. She has a relationship of sorts with Ginevra but for the most part, this seems to be Lucy is putting up with her rather than wanting to be around her. She finds Ginevra tiresome and doesn’t approve of the way she treats people. The way Ginevra expects gifts and strings along men doesn’t fit in with Lucy’s ideals on how you should treat people. Ginevra is also self-entitled and stuck up which is problematic for Lucy who has always had to struggle to keep herself housed and fed. I would never look at Lucy and Ginevra as something in the realms of romantic and sexual because in my interpretation I don’t think Lucy even likes Ginevra very much. I think, for the most part, Lucy puts up with her because it's better the devil you know and there is something safe about the familiarity of the nightmare that is Ginevra Fanshawe.

Lucy is a fascinating character because she isolates herself. She doesn’t talk to people, she doesn’t make friends easily or at all. She is volatile – it is very easy to argue with Lucy Snowe, as M. Paul Emanuel discovers throughout the novel. It is easy to argue but not easy to befriend her. She is a very closed of person and this is a lot, I think, to do with her anxiety [and likely depression] but I think a part of it could also stem from a fear of attachment. If she is not experiencing any attraction in those ways and she is away that people are going to expect that of her, it is easier if she is alone and doesn’t make any attachments at all. However, it also becomes clear within the novel that she needs company. I could write essays on Lucy’s mental state but that’s not what this is about, so I’ll just touch on it. She becomes very ill when she is alone at the school over the holidays, her mind becomes her biggest enemy and she needs company in order to become back within herself. Lucy is a fascinating person who needs people around her but does not allow them to get close to her.

Anyway, moving away from Lucy’s mental health state. She shows, I think, no interest in anyone in a romantic or sexual way throughout the novel. Beginning with Dr John Graham Bretton [who I will be referring to as Graham because that’s what he’s called in my head].

Graham and Lucy know each other from when they were young. Lucy sees him again at the school and stares at him, in order to place the face and prove it is who she thinks it is. He thinks her rude, not knowing who she is at the time. This is interesting because this is a perfect time to show some sort of interest in the male species. But Lucy has none, there is nothing romantic about the language used to describe Graham, Lucy doesn’t talk about particularly liking the looks about him or anything of the sort. He, at point one, refers to her as his ‘God sister’ because his Mother is her Godmother, and siblings is the best way to describe their relationship. Lucy attends the theatre with him, seeing operas and plays, with no concerns from Mrs Bretton about the way the behaviour might be seen from others. Lucy has some concerns, but not because she harbours any of those feelings for Graham but because she knows how other people are likely to talk. Lucy and Graham don’t quite have the bantering relationship that Graham and Mrs Bretton have but honestly, I’m not sure Lucy is capable of having that with anyone, she is very closed off. But what they do have is a familial relationship where they are able to relax around each other and be comfortable but also be frank and honest with each other.

Moving on to M. Paul, the one that has the most right to argue romantic feelings from Lucy, I still don’t think they are there. Lucy and Paul have a relationship that is very on and off. They argue almost every time that they talk. They don’t like the way the other talks, they don’t like the others religious beliefs. But what they do have is a mutual respect. Paul falls in love with Lucy. I believe that from Paul’s side he’s feelings are romantic. He is conflicted for a long time and the religious issue is a big one for him but he is able to move past it eventually and he genuinely is in love with Lucy in a romantic and sexual way. Paul’s love for Lucy is the traditional get married and have kids type of thing.

In my opinion, Lucy does love Paul however, I don’t see it as a romantic thing. I see it as something more like companionship. It’s more a life partner idea for Lucy that it is a romantic partner type of thing. There’s a time when Paul asks Lucy if she will be like a sister to him and this is the time of the novel when we see Lucy most happy. She is overwhelmingly contented with the idea of having a relationship with someone in a familial way. At this point, I think Paul’s feelings for her are similar but for him, they grow into the traditional feelings I mentioned above and for Lucy they don’t. I think they grow for Lucy or rather they expand. I don’t know how to explain Lucy’s feeling, I think they are something beyond familiar but something that isn’t romantic. She loves him, but not in the same way that he loves her.

Lucy basically loses it when Paul leaves and she thinks she’s never going to see him or even get the chance to say goodbye. Her mental state that night [honestly, I need to write something about Lucy’s mental health at some time, it’s such a rich subject] is partly because she has worked herself up so strongly and partly because of what she is given by the directress [whose name is completely failing me right now] to try and settle her. This could, of course, be a big argument for romantic feelings. Lucy works herself into a terrible mental state at losing him? Surely that’s romance? In my opinion, that sort of attitude dismisses the importance of other relationship types. I cannot speak for other people but if I ran the risk of losing any number of my friends without a chance to say goodbye or see them again, I would probably get myself into the same state Lucy was in, in an attempt to find them or find peace again. Paul is important to Lucy because she loves him and he is the first person she has allowed herself to open to when she is always so closed off. That doesn’t have to equate to romance.

The other, and for me, the biggest argument for Lucy’s lack of romantic or sexual attraction though, comes from when Paul is away. Lucy feels guilty for saying so, but the time when Paul is away is the happiest of her life. Lucy is someone who is a lot more contented with doing something with her life, like running the school, than she would be with a romantic and/or sexual relationship. She has no interest in them, she has no need for them. She just needs some sort of connection with people and she finds what she needs with Paul.

Another way I think Lucy’s need for people but not romantic/sexual shines through is in her love of letters. Lucy comes alive when she receives letters from Graham or Paul. It gives her the connection without any strings attached and honestly, I think that sums Lucy up pretty well.

Please let me know what you think of my analysis of Lucy and whether you agree or not. And if not definitely why not. It’s awesome to meet someone who loves Villette, it gets so little love, it’s good to see some for it. Also, thank you for this ask because I’ve been meaning to write about Lucy’s AroAceness for ages and just haven’t got around to it. Disclaimer: If any facts are wrong, I wasn’t about to check with the book because it’s packed ready for me to move to uni. Also, your English is fine, lovely. :)

[mclean-shine]

Big ol’ vent under that read more, proceed at own risk

God, I’m so fucking low right. I’ve just graduated from uni, waiting for my results; straddling a line between a 2:2 and a 2:1 which I really really want and would be crushed if I got a 2:2 but I really just didn’t put in awful lot of effort due to just general procrastination and super bad depression in the 2nd year of my course but oh well!

So I’ve moved back in with my dad and step-mum, due to lack of literally any funds, whom are perfectly nice people who insist they really don’t mind me staying for a few months but God I really feel like I am - I can see it in their eyes, I’m just really not liking it here after just a week. We’re in a small town and live up a pretty long and steep slope which I need to walk up and down if I need anything at all from town which is a almighty pain in the arse. And it’s literal hours away from any of my friends from back home - like an hour apiece on two buses and I’d have to crash at theirs for the night cos one of them stops at like 6 pm. Again, pain in the arse. Not that any of my friends back here would actually want to see me, I’ve always been the outsider-type friend no matter how much effort I put into any relationship but whatever.

So in my field (Marine Biology), 99% of the time nowhere will accepted you with just a degree as they require at least a year of experience which of course I can’t get unless I volunteer somewhere which would take up basically all of my time leaving me no time to actually earn money for food and rent etc or actually cost  exorbitant amounts of money to do (which is fucked up but that’s another issue) so I’m needing to stay here for a few months and get some cash money together but that means working basic bitch customer service jobs which I’ve been working at for years now but have just frittered away the money from and I just can’t bring myself to work at these places again. Nothing I can work at around here will add anything to my future prospects and that just really pisses me off. Doesn’t help that I don’t have a car anymore (had to sell that years ago) so I’m restricted to walking or very limited buses. Urrgh. I have loads of experience so finding a job isn’t a problem (I’ve got a trail shift in the morning and I’ve had like five other offers) but I just don’t know how long I can smile and pretend like I’m enjoying myself at these jobs when I’d rather be literally anywhere else at this point. It just feels like an enormous waste of time when I’d rather be working at what I actually put four years of my life into working at but noooo, life just isn’t fair is it?

I’m really missing at least having the semblance of independence, from living in my own house (rented but anyway), sharing with a few friends and having the freedom to just walk to other friends houses (and the sea, God I miss the sea), cooking my own meals (and loving cooking) and having my own room which I’ve decorated to having literally everything I own in boxes in the garage, staying in a tiny room which I’ve got to give up in two months when my step brother comes back from Hong Kong (I’ll be staying in the downstairs office from then which is literally one room with the kitchen and dining room so I will not have any privacy which will drive me absolutely mad), and just generally being in the middle of nowhere, completely isolated from contact with anyone but my family whom I love but just have absolutely nothing in common with so I can’t be myself.

And I have so many plans for the future. I want to move to New Zealand and get out of the UK (which I can’t stand being in anymore), I want to travel again,  I want to go back to university and do a Masters, I want to get my PADI Divemaster and teach scuba diving, I want to try and break into the voice acting community! But all this requires money which I just don’t have which I’ll have to spend months and months at crap jobs likely paying me minimum wage to get anyway near the amount I need for these. And I’m closer to 25 than I’d like (well, I’m 23 but its still too close) which closer to 30 than I’d like and so on and so forth till I’m closer to death than I’d like which is just a mind numbingly horrifying concept in itself.

All of this stuff is just weighing on me so damn heavily right now and I’m just feeling fucking sad. Like, I bought some nice salad and mushrooms for myself yesterday and put in the fridge (which is completely full of my parents stuff so I’ve got like no space for my stuff) and I came down to make some food and found that they’ve eaten my salad and half the mushrooms and I just fucking cried in the middle of the kitchen for like five minutes over the fucking futility of it all. Like I didn’t tell them it was mine so they probably just thought it was theirs so I’m not mad at them but I just felt so goddamn small and helpless that something that I bought and was mine was just taken from me like that when I have absolutely nothing of worth to my name right now.

This really is the lowest I’ve been in years and that’s not a low bar to beat. And I know I’ll be okay in the end. I work really fucking hard when I need to or am inspired and I’m a smart and well adjusted guy on the whole and I’ve got a few small upcoming volunteering jobs and, frankly, I have waaaay too much pride and drive to ever completely give up on my dreams so I know I’ll be fine. But wow, this part of my life is just really gonna suck for a few months.

Oh and I’m really missing this sweet little stray cat who had been hanging around my old uni house for a while and finally came in through my window the other month and basically adopted me as his owner. He used to sleep at the bottom of my bed and came in through my window at 5am on the dot everyday, snoozed at the bottom for a few hours and then snuggled up next to my head when I woke up. He was such a sweet cat and we really bonded - he basically just spent all his time in the house chilling with me by the end of it. It was hard to leave him behind, hope he’s doing alright. I hope to one day get a cat who was half the cat he was, stride on you brilliant thing!

[cyberdelusionphilosopher-blog]

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"homeowners insurance quote from state farm

homeowners insurance quote from state farm

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My cousin has great credit and she is 23. Would the insurance price differ alot between a 2006 & 2008 model? An estimate would be fine.

Life Insurance questions?

Why do life insurance companies often charge different rates for males and females? Who pays more by age, male or female, and why do you think this is so? Come back later and respond to two other classmate's posts and answer any responses to yours.""

How much national insurance contributions will I need to pay to fill a two year gap?

I have a two year gap in national insurance contributions as I was taking care of a sick relative and not claiming any benefits as other family members were supporting me. What is the minimum amount I should pay to fill the gap.

What kind of insurance to get?

I come from a low income family and my health insurance is called Healthy Families. Its really basic and only covers check ups, physicals, and other things in community health clinics. I have several moles I that I would like to get checked out at a dermatologist and some help with my acne as well but I hear that dermatologist visits can get expensive. What kind of insurance can I get that won't break the bank?""

Whats a good car insurance company?

hi im a 22 soon to be 23 year old male trying to buy a used 2004 or 2005 honda accord lx for 8 to 9000 dollars....what is the cheapest good insurance company i can go for and how much would i might have to dish out????

How does the whole car insurance thing work?

I am a 19 year old boy. My parents are buying me my first car. It is a nice pre-owned car. How does the insurance for the car generally work? Is it required? I will be in college next year. Can they take care of my car insurance? How does it work? I heard that they can put my car under their insurance. Is this true? Please explain.

How much does insurance run for a 16 year old in North Carolina?

My Son gets his Licenses on August 17 of this year. So i am trying to figure out about how much its gonna run for him to have car insurance

Can we get health insurance with just part A only in medicare?

looking for supplemental insurance with just Part A on my social security medicare who would be good to contact?

""How much will insurance be on a bmw 5 series 3 litre 17 year old, SECOND DRIVER!?""

im looking on how much it would be for my father to make me his second driver so I could also drive his car, it is a bmw 5 series 3 litre, im 17 year olds I have only just passed my test, please no stupid remarks/commentx""

Who do you have for car insurance? open!?

looking for a cheap car insurance, buut not to cheap were if i get into a car crash they'd give me 10 cents. any suggestions?""

Car Insurance for Teens?

What can we expect for a 16 year old to pay on a monthly base if he has his OWN insurance (as in not co-insured with the parents). This would be in Texas. I am pretty sure that there is a great difference. Just trying to familarize myself with the whole deal and trying to figure a ballpark amount. Any tips you might have are very much welcome. Thanks!!!

Best car insurance out there?

im gonna be 18 soon, have had my licenses for a while, never been put on her insurance cause she wont let me drive. i want to buy a car but i don't want to buy a car and can't afford the insurance make about 30 bucks a week. whats the cheapest car insurance for a person with a 3.0""

Cheap uk car insurance for a learner driver ? any good companies ??

question for pps in uk my husband just bought a little fiat punto got a provisional licence and wants 2 learn to drive in it we new to all this any idea what kind of cover he needs and any good not 2 expensive companies to try for insurance , hes 44 so not a young lad who wants to race about , he has a brother in law and m8 who both have full clean license who have offered to put the L plates on and take him out at weekends on a quite road to get some experience as well as having driving lessons too when he knows the basics , but we looked on nhet at diffrent insurance companies and they all so diffrent as anyone got any experience of whos the best company or comapnies to try thank you also whats diff with any driver or 1 driver and theres 3rd party etc , like i say we really are all new 2 this any info will be well appreciated thank you""

I need a form for allstate car insurance good student discount?

I need a form for allstate car insurance good student discount?

Instead of buying auto insurance is there a way to just have a savings account just for $coverages?

So all US states require all cars on the road to have insurance ... since insurance is just dollars put asside for release in the event of emergencies or other pre-determined event ... why cant I just put $100,000 into a bank account and call it my auto liability account and have my car insured with the state under my name providing that I don't touch those funds?""

17 Year old insurance on 1985 Ford Escort RS Turbo Series 1?

Im 16 years of age soon to be 17 and I am looking for a first car that would be of a classic sort. I hate all the usual Saxo's and Corsa's that all the other kids drive. My dad currently owns a Series 1 RS Turbo and were in the middle of restoring it. I looked into insurance as myself as a named driver and got quotes of 11k and that's way too much. Would the price be cheaper if i put myself as a second driver on my dads insurance? Im in desperate need of answers right now. If not then has anyone got any info on a Mk1 or Mk2 golf or even an Mk1 XR2 Fiesta. If all this classic insurance is too hard then has anyone out there got any ideas on what car I could get that has got cheap insurance, Looks good, Performs great and can be modded great. I don't want answers which involve astra's and clios's. More along the lines of newer better material. Thank you :)""

homeowners insurance quote from state farm

homeowners insurance quote from state farm

How much on average is car insurance for young drivers in florida?

i'm a 20 yr old female just trying to budget to figure out how much i need to save for when I get my car. I plan on spending about 2000$ on a used car, but am trying to add in the price of tags, tax, insurance all those up front prices so I figure out how much i need to save up and how many hours i absolutely need to have per week. So, just a rough estimate like $100...$150...something like that. Don't feel like doing price check to price check online with the quotes since I have no clue on the car yet..don't want it to be anything under maybe a '95""

How can your medical history be discovered?

when signing a form to release your medical records, how are they able to obtain those since there is no computer system that links all your records and if you seek treatment without utilizing insurance is it possible for anyone to actually find out unless they know the specific doctor you go to?""

What's the cheapest car insurance?

What's the cheapest car insurance?

Car Insurance?!?!?!?!?!?

Im 15 about to turn 16......and I'm ready to supply myself. I'm asking for the adults to give me the 411 on car insurance. please.....and thanks

""Am I able to get health insurance? Please answer, need help?""

I'm 18 years old, I left home because of an ongoing abusive situation, and have been on my own for six months, it's the best thing that could of happened to me. I keep no contact with my parents. I live with an older friend who has two children. I help her around the house in exchange for rent, I buy my own food, pay for my own car insurance, and cover all of my own expenses, etc. I'm a full time college student, and I work around 30 hours a week, and now I'm looking to get affordable health insurance. However, my friend's income is much higher than mine, disqualifying me from subsidized healthcare or medicaid. Health insurance is based on household income. I am not her dependent at all, she has her own health insurance policy. I'm very confused, what course of action do I need to take? Thanks in advance for your answers!""

How can i get very cheap health insurance?

i am 18 yrs old, i go to school and i work at a place that doesnt have insurance and i really need to go to get my teeth pulled and i need to go to the doc for my stomach... how can i get free or very cheap health insurance?? cause i have no MONEY!!""

Registering and Insuring a vehicle in a new state?

I have recently moved to Virginia, however I have my car registration and insurance in California and my license in California. Do I need to change all three, if I still have an address in California?""

How are home insurance rates in hawaii?

I'd like to buy close to the water (would be impacted by hurricanes). FLA is ridiculous now-cant get insurance near the water for entire home value. Thought Hwi might be better since they dont get hit so much.

Minor car accident without insurance?

I caused a scratch. But I don't have insurance by that time. What am I supposed to do? Go to beg the old lady stop claim insurance company but solve that privately? But she already reported to insurance company. Can she withdraw the claim so we can solve privately? Any other choice?

Who has the cheapist insurance. for min.coverage?

Who has the cheapist insurance. for min.coverage?

Those self-employed: can you share a good health insurance that's affordable?

I have found only quotes over $300 a month. Those that were under $100 had a.. drum roll....deductible of over 10,000 dollars! I need health insurance, but can't afford it. Ironically, my dogs have it and I cannot afford it for me.""

""Cars been stolen, will insurance pay up?""

My sisters car has been stolen roughly 30 mins ago. Shes customized it a bit (tinted windows to a legal degree, subwoofer in the boot) will the insurance pay up if it cannot be found. And what are the chances of it being found""

Redlight violation?! Any way to lower the $381 fine and not raise insurance?

Help! This Saturday, I was in Fremont to pick up someone at the Bart station. I was on Mission and Mohave going straight towards the entrance to 880 when the light turned yellow. I started to stop but I felt that if I kept stopping I'd end up in the middle of the intersection so I pressed gas again and went through. I thought I made it on the yellow, but I saw the huge flash meaning the lovely camera took a picture of me. ): The fine is $381 according to http://www.fremontpolice.org/redlight/redlight.html plus a higher insurance, right? I'm freaking out. I'm a 17 year old high school student (I've had my license for over a year already) at a private Catholic school, straight A's in all my classes, super clean record, and I've never gotten a ticket before! I know I have to go to court but is there any way that the fine will be lowered and my insurance won't go up? If I go to traffic school will it be cheaper and keep my insurance down? Help please!""

How much would insurance be on a 1993 mazda miata mx-5?

i am a 17 year old that has already had one speeding ticket if that helps.....but how much do you think the insurance might cost?

""I just bought a new car, now i have to switch insurance?

how do i go about that. im right in the middle of my current insurance on my old car.

Short term health Insurance for my parents who coming to California from China ?

My parents are coming to visit me (California) from China. They plan to stay in U.S. for 6 months. They're 67 yrs old, my father has Diabetes (not so serious) and my mother is very healthy. I'm thinking to get a short term health insurance for them just in case they need to see a doctor. Since it's the first time they come to U.S. they have a visit visa, I'm US citizen. What insurance I should get for them? Thank you very much for your response in advance!""

Will my car insurance rate go up because of this freak accident?

I was backing out of a parking lot and I hit a van coming up. Considering the fact that the parking lot was nearly empty neither one of us saw each other coming. I did pull off pretty fast but not too fast. Their was no damage to my car, but he had a small dent on the side of his nothing major. We called the police cause he was older and felt safer doing that. The police said nothing will go on our records, but didn't say whose at fault. So we just exchanged insurance info. Does this mean nothing will happen, or will my mom go crazy when she finds out? How much of an increase would this cause her insurance to go up? What are the circumstances that this might cause an extreme insurance hike for a 19 year old?""

What is cheap auto insurance?

What is cheap auto insurance?

How much would small business insurance be?

This is for a marketing assignment. The business is a small gardening and cooking school for children. There are about 8 staff and activities should be pretty safe, since they're aimed at young people. The business is just starting out. What the instructions mention is: 1.property damage 2. public liability 3. vehicle 4. theft 5. personal disability 6. professional indemnity Kids hire their own bus to come here and staff ust use their own cars to go to and from work, so does the vehicle thing need to be included? The building is just a suburban rental property that costs us $400 rent each week. Also, this is just a minor part of the assignment, so a guess is fine. Thanks for any help!""

How much did your insurance go up?

I am unemployed. My wife has me, our son, and herself on her job group rate medical insurance. Up to October this year, for the last 10 years, she pays $79.00 per month for medical ...show more""

If I lie to my insurance company about who lives with me is that considered insurance fraud?

I have a relative who lied about who lived with her on her insurance application even though it does not affect her insurance and I was just wondering would that still be considered insurance fraud.

Jeep Tracker - About how much will insurance cost?

I'm 16 years old and I will be getting the Jeep tracker after I take drivers training. I live in Alberta and I am buying the car for about $1500. Any help would be great!

How old can you be until you're kicked off your parents health insurance? ?

Another question would be if my parents move to another state would I still be covered? They'd be in Michigan and I'd be in Tennessee.

First car for teenage girl? Insurance...?

Need a car 17 year old girl 1.0 ltr engine. Cheap petrol and cheap insurance please? I also read getting the box fitted where you can drive between certain times also makes it cheaper?

I have a $500 deductible with my car insurance (State Farm) and was wondering if I could use that deductible t?

To actually fix my car up to it's showroom look (Currently driving with a broken bumper, dented fender, and broken headlight/signal marker not caused by me mind you)??""

homeowners insurance quote from state farm

homeowners insurance quote from state farm

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/get-insurance-quotes-canada-lawrence-arnold/"

[pulverulents]

#19: it’s been a while (alternative title: I’m a mess)

It’s been so long since I actually did this whole journal thing properly but I wanna get back into this at least semi-regularly so here we go (hopefully doing this again after such a long time won’t be too difficult).

Lately, life has been.... interesting, to say the least. But let’s start with the good things, because I barely write about the good things on here and I don’t want to take them for granted. First of all, I did pretty well for IB! 43 points is about where I expected to get, so no surprises but I’m kinda proud of myself for surviving those 2 years of pain, and now I can basically apply for anything I want, so that’s great I guess.

And post-IB life has been pretty nice so far! I’ve been taking a long-needed break the past few months, mostly just chilling at home and hanging out with friends a lot, which has been really fun. I was so scared that after school ended I would lose contact with my friends because it’s happened before but now I’m finding myself surrounded by people that I love that want to hang out together even when there is absolutely no reason to, which is honestly so wonderful. And it’s such a novel feeling to actually be busy this weekend not because of school work or church commitments but because I’m going to be with my friends.

That being said, too much chilling has started to make me a little bit restless, like I should be doing something more intellectually stimulating than just getting lost in youtube the entire day. I’ve started applying for university, and I’ve sent in a job application that I’m still waiting to hear back from, so hopefully I’ll be able to get started doing productive things soon. Speaking of university, I’m actually kind of excited to see where I’ll land up in, because at this point the things I’m applying for are all equally great, like I could see myself doing any of those things, so it’ll be interesting to see which courses I get into. Well obviously, my first choice is med school, but if I end up getting a scholarship that lets me go to Australia to study DR.... I really don’t know which I prefer lol I’m just gonna let God decide this one for me.

And now for the rough parts. Don’t get me wrong, the good things are still good by all means, but my life is still pretty much a dumpster fire, and I’m the trash that’s just always in flames. You know that meme of the smiling cartoon dog in a burning house saying ‘this is fine’? Man, what a mood.

I know I said I’ve been chilling but that just means I’ve been doing literally nothing; in terms of like mental health and stuff I’m still a fucking mess lmao now that I’m officially school-less my mother has decided that I should be working on my uni apps every minute of every day. Like, what the fuck. I know I’m not doing anything, but after a solid 2 years of working my ass off and having nervous breakdowns every 2 weeks or so, can’t you just let me chill for a couple of months? It’s not like the application deadline is tomorrow, and working on it all the time isn’t going to make it tomorrow either. 

I thought that after IB I could take a break from all the constant yelling, but nope. I was a bloody idiot for thinking that, because I honestly should’ve known that my mother will find literally anything to yell about every couple of hours. It’s like after a few hours of watching korean dramas from the living room couch she suddenly decides she’s bored and her favourite pastime is to scream at her kids. Even at night when I’m trying to calm myself down to go to bed so I won’t have such a hard time falling asleep, she’ll suddenly decide that I’m not sleeping early enough (because my sleep schedule is apparently her business) and all of a sudden she’s demanding that I obey her and go to bed because I’m now ‘lazy’ and ‘stubborn’ and ‘rebellious’ and all of a sudden I’m grounded until I finish my university/scholarship applications. And it makes me so angry because I’m 18 years old now for fuck’s sake, I’m a goddamn adult now and she’s still trying to control my life and somehow expect me to be a fully functioning adult at the same time. Which is so crazy because HOW??? IT MAKES. NO. SENSE. 

The more I think about it, she’s the reason for all my anxiety and depression issues, and I hate that I’m so dependent on her now because she’s a terrible person to depend on, and every time I let my guard down and think, hey, maybe she’s not so bad after all, suddenly boom she’s yelling again and I’m in the corner of my bathroom curled up in a ball and pressing my fingers to my ears like I’m 13 again because that’s the only way I can feel safe. And I hate myself for listening to her even though I shouldn’t, I hate myself for falling for the exact same gaslighting tactics every single fucking time, I hate that my life and hers are so inextricably intertwined even though I want to be independent from her so badly, I hate that I need her but needing her hurts me so immensely and makes me want to grab the pain in my chest and tear it out even though doing that would kill me. 

It’s funny how it’s pretty much always been this way and yet I haven’t always felt this way. When I was younger and stupider, I guess I just took it and took it and got used to the way things are. And every time I ran back to her like the stupid child I was. I’ve come to the conclusion that when you look closer at life, the lines start to get blurrier. And the older we get, the more equipped and more inclined we become to look closer and closer, until we get too close and all of a sudden we realise that life is one big bloody mess. 

I forgot where I was going with this. In any case, it’s late and she’s yelling again and I have to go. I’ll proofread this in the morning. Probably.

-jo

[avtonome]

hey y’all ! i’m kat and i’m super excited to open; i have two super clingy cats in case any of you ever need a visual pick-me-up, i’m a uni student in canada and a Big skincare and dark chocolate junkie, more than likely gonna be typing replies while indulging in either jsyk !

tried to keep it short since i’m a rambly bitch, but here is a link to tally’s currently basic stats, a wc page will be up soon though i have some under the read more, here is her messy as hell pinterest board, and i’ll be posting a little tracklist for her playlist later ! and if tumblr ims are as much of a nuisance for you as they can be for me, you can add me on d*scord at GENUINELY sick of this shit#2030 if you’d like to plot ! anyways, without further ado:

[  im jinah  .  twenty-three  .  cis female  .  she/her  ] just saw TALLULAH “TALLY” HONG dragging their suitcase up the steps to CABIN 4D  .  good luck living with HER  ,  word around campus is that they’re SUPERCILIOUS  ,  DARWINIAN  ,  ASTUTE  &  ALLURING  .  apparently they're the EVENT COORDINATOR.  let’s hope this new living situation doesn’t affect their SENIOR year of COMMUNICATIONS.

tw: drug mention

her parents’ only child together, tally’s the oldest out of her and her half-siblings

also, never call her tallulah. friend or otherwise, don’t take the risk DKLGSJDLK

grew up with a silver spoon, her dad being a wall street giant and her mother being an entrepreneur with a love for art ( so much so that her two partners after separating from tally’s dad were artists themselves sdlkgj )

basically could’ve been a main character on gossip girl with her reckless antics and partying as a teenager…. and now, even SGDLKF

drk how to elaborate on that, aside from stressing that from her teen years onward she’s presented her own take of a rich bitch, and is a socialite/fashion week regular type if i were to describe where she stands rn

is attending hollis at the behest of her father so he has at least one child who could take a senior position in his company simply to keep it in the family

isn’t the most studious person, but she’s gotten far enough to begin wrapping up her major in communications with a marketing minor

she reasoned that, with her reputation in nyc, she’d need the bit of knowledge in how to clean up her messes. even if she wasn’t the one who had that responsibility

though.. the entire time has been spent sleeping with some of her rich friends, drinking and smoking pot, with the occasional hit of whatever clean enough drug that one of her friends had on them

when she’s not getting an education, she’s pissing off her neighbours with her house parties back in nyc or at her beach house in malibu/the family’s new house in beverly hills.. something of the sort at least ( while getting a moment’s peace bc i already know this bitch hates sharing a dorm 90% of the time GDSFLKJD ), staying in the good graces of the media as a budding, fun yet classy heiress — despite doing dumb shit the second she’s inside of a gala or club

as for her time here as the event coordinator somewhere in wyoming ?? she ABHORS it !

she hates organized sports, she hates camping and being restricted ( to some degree in this case ) so why is she here ?? ..... i still haven’t worked that out, i just like to fuck with my muses DKFLGJGSDF

but fr, i thought it would be funny to watch her seethe in a rather unfamiliar element so ! she can have fun with that !

personality and shit

her little blurb on my indie is: refined party girl still set in her ways with her future left uncompromised; detached and pretentious, she soaks up the attention that continues to roll in

which. we’ve basically been over already LKDFSG but still

if i were to use a label to describe her, she'd be the sovereign

she’s messy as hell, but puts on the façade of a poised woman who has some fun because she knows it bodes well

she’s not a complete dick per se, but she can be snide and boastful

Big superiority complex, independent and lives lavishly with reckless abandon 

probably jets back and forth between nyc and l.a during the school year a good bit, so ig she hates the environment if it means not having things go her way !

non-committal as all hell and will abandon girl code if she drops you FGKLJFS

.. fr, she’ll fuck an ex-friend’s ex if she Technically saw them first, so being spiteful And resolving some past attraction ?? right up her alley !

keeps her true inner circle small, but gets off on attention and likes to stay cordial with some people, so she’s got quite a few friends all the same

she’ll fight tooth and nail to protect her image and won’t hesitate to throw anyone under the bus to do so/in retaliation if they screw her over

which happens to mean that her family is to be protected as well. fuck with any of her sisters ?? you’re Done. try to compete with her father ? she’ll leak your suspicious investment history to the times fskgdljlsf

there really isn’t much to expand on tbh, though i will say that her emboldened nature and need for a good time however she can get it comes out more than her uglier side ( except her vanity. that’ll never go away KSFDG )

some quick plot ideas

a childhood friend or two that she made back in nyc or through events she attended when she was young, whether they’re still friends or not for x reasons can be discussed of course

could carry over into a trio type of thing depending on where she stands with either of them, or they’re a different couple of pals she’s made since coming to hollis

enemies are always fun ! probably rooted in a competitive streak more than anything else but i’m all ears for a more complex reason

ex-hookup(s), current hookup(s), throw it all at me klgfjd

a hateship/ewb would be fun with her too, oh my god sfdgklj

surely there are quite a few wealthy kids here, but that doesn’t mean that someone who’s using her for their fifteen seconds of fame, or just to get some perks out of their friendship, is necessarily a write-off — not that she cares too much about fake friends, face value hype and knowing they need her more than she needs them gives her too much satisfaction fkskgls

an ex-something, open to anyone.. who's fc was born earlier than like. '97 since jinah's on the higher end of her twenties dfsjgklsd and someone who's at least a junior. either someone her parents forced on her to straighten her out that she wound up liking…. after a good period of her telling them to fuck off sdglk or someone she’d been seeing for a while at her own accord. would’ve ended the same way: with her calling it off because she didn’t want to settle down, not even for a relationship ( and perhaps bc she’s scared of commitment with her cracked family dynamic that’s been a thing since age two, but that’s another story jsdfkg )

kinda relates to current hookups, but her designated event pal would be super fun ?? sdgkflj like they go to all of these big parties and galas together, then meet up in the nooks of the venue or head back to her place before she throws an after-party of sorts. they’d be decent friends beyond this though, them being someone she trusts a good bit compared to others in her circle

[alanafsmith]

Booming in Bristol: Should junior lawyers shun the City for the West Country?

London’s six-figure salaries will boost your ego but little else

Famously, London was once described as “a splendid place to live in for those who can get out of it”. Now, with average one-bed rent a whopping £1,250 a month and the average London house deposit setting you back £100,000, the feat is as much getting into the City as it is getting out.

But fear not, trainees and junior lawyers — law is among the highest-paying professions in the country. A third of lawyers earn £100,000 and some firms even pay more than this on qualification. If you stick around long enough, partners in the City earn into the millions, so it’s a safe bet for Big Smoke domination, right? Right?

Not according to one trainee, earning about £50,000 and set to make in excess of £70,000 on qualification. She begrudged on her Twitter account:

With even top-earning lawyers unable to get onto the London property ladder, and in total contrast from City Hall’s ‘London is Open’ campaign, the capital has erected a sort of ‘financial fence’ around its parameters. Or, in the words of journalist and author Caitlin Moran in a column aptly (and sort of apocalyptically) called ‘LONDON IS DYING’, “no one new is being let in, any more — unless, of course, they are oligarchs, or of the bonus class, who may helicopter over the gates, at will. No one I know can afford to move here… They are locked out.”

Following a death comes grief and mourning, but not for Moran, she says:

“It’s good news for Britain. A million ideas a week that would, previously, have migrated to London will now remain in their home towns, and make those towns glorious instead. As London, glassy-eyed and compulsive, begins to eat its own heart out, Manchester, Birmingham, Bristol, Glasgow, Sheffield, Liverpool, Cardiff and Plymouth will rise again.”

‘Rising’ too are these cities’ legal districts. There are major UK firm offices in the likes of Birmingham and Manchester, but note the sheer number of major corporate outfits inside Bristol’s borders, including: Burges Salmon, Osborne Clarke, CMS and TLT. Simmons & Simmons recently announced its Bristol expansion, while RPC just this week revealed it would be reinstating its Bristol training contract programme. Clyde & Co will be opening an office there soon, too.

The word ‘regional’ has strangely come to be used as an insult in the legal profession, yet the Bristol trainees we’ve spoken to had little but praise for the ‘City-quality work without the City-style hours hitch’ combo boasted by their firms. “Genuinely interesting work”, “independence earlier on in [your] career” and “a far better work-life balance” are all trumpeted by one regional trainee. Another adds:

“I had already worked for three years in London prior to getting my training contract in Bristol. Most of my friends trained at City firms and I also had an offer from one; I made the choice based on my own happiness, geography and the firm. I like the sea, surfing and cities, and in Bristol I can combine the three. It is a very easy going and cool place to live. London is cool, it is not easy going and I did not want to spend my twenties in an office. I don’t believe you become a better lawyer by staying later and I don’t believe you gain happiness or fulfilment from the inside of Liverpool Street Station.”

Perhaps it’s small wonder Burges Salmon won Legal Cheek‘s Firm of the Year gong in 2017 and is up for the prize again this year (alongside Osborne Clarke and RPC).

But, to some of you, all these perks are nothing on the absolutely mental salaries you can expect in London. As mentioned, some London firms pay in excess of £100,000 on qualification. In Bristol, a big corporate outfit will pay you half of that (if you’re lucky).

A basic comparison of the pay packets clearly crowns London the higher payer, but, to use a common phrase, it’s about quality, not quantity. A Bristol NQ’s approximate £50,000 a year salary, which is £3,065 per month after tax, will stretch far further. The maths, albeit very crude maths, bears it out.

In Bristol, one-bed rents will set you back an average of £818 in the city centre or £680 outside of it. It took me minutes to find a one-bed flat on Zoopla for £775 per month, this being a six-minute walk to the city’s main station, nine minutes to Burges Salmon, seven to Osborne Clarke or 15 to CMS (zero commuting costs). If you’re willing to travel a little further afield, here’s a one-bed flat for £475 that’s a 27-minute walk from the station, or another for £450 that’s a 35-minute walk from the station.

Sticking with our close-to-work Zoopla property above, a £50,000-earning NQ will be left with roughly £2,290 a month after rent. The average deposit needed to buy a house in the city is about £24,000. If you stowed all of your £2,290 away after rent (not realistic I know, but let’s keep the maths simple) you’d have a Bristol deposit saved in ten months. If you’re on £40,000 in Bristol — a city that recently won the ‘Coolest city in Europe’ award — that’s around £1,755 after rent. With that, it’d take you 14 months to save for an average Bristol deposit.

The London housing market, by comparison, is indefensibly expensive. One-beds range from £825 a month in Bexley to £1,950 in Kensington and Chelsea, with the average coming out at £1,250. (In Bristol, you could expect to snap up a two-bed riverside house or a detached four-bed for the same price.)

The riverside house you could rent in Bristol for £1,250 versus a student flat we found for the same price in London

On a £70,000 salary in London, you’d be on give or take £4,032 a month. If you were to live in the cheapest borough, Bexley, you’d have £3,207 left over, and it’d take you 31 months to reach the average, six-figure deposit. If you lived in an averagely-priced London property, you’d have £2,782 left over at the end of the month, so that’s 36 months of saving to do.

As for top NQ pay in London, you’ll earn around £5,481 a month if your salary is £100,000. You’ll be left with £4,231 a month after average rent, which if you saved every penny means you could put an average London deposit down in 24 months. If you’re on £140,000 — which crazily some firms do pay their London NQs — you’ll be on about £7,032 a month. If you saved all of this every month, you’d have £100,000 in 14 months. But, with average rent factored in, it would take you 17 months.

This means even an NQ on the highest wage in the City would be unable to save up for an average London deposit quicker than a Bristol NQ on £40,000 would be able to save up for an average Bristol deposit. Of course, none of these calculations have factored in: average commuting costs, bills and expenses, which will also be far higher in London. They also only look at one-bed flats (which aren’t very amenable to families) and average rents and deposits (I assume many of our readers would have their sights set higher).

The maths is stark but, of course, it cannot capture the multi-faceted reasons someone may want to train and work in London (in other words, God forbid, money isn’t everything).

The 2018 Firms Most List

“The idea of London as glamorous”, it offering “the most interesting and challenging work”, “job prospects in general” and “international secondment chances” are all mentioned by one soon-to-be lawyer in defence of the Big Smoke. And maybe, some people just kind of like it as a city. One trainee says:

“I think London is pretty cool; I’m a Tottenham Hotspur fan, love the theatre and a load of my best mates from uni are here now too. I’ve also been coming here since I was wee with my family…. I never really expected to be in a position to be in the house market until I was like 30 anyway, as it just seems a fact of life for our generation — house ownership was never a priority for me.”

Of course, a training contract and NQ role in London doesn’t mean a life led there, too.

“I don’t plan on staying in London forever. Quite frankly, I don’t even like it that much,” says one trainee I spoke to for this piece, “I decided to do my TC in the City largely for financial reasons. I’ve heard that if you train in London, you can be poached by regional firms for high salaries — higher than if you had trained in those firms. I think in ten years, maybe less, I’d like to move somewhere that can offer a better quality of life, even if that means taking a significant pay cut.”

On paper it’s a smart move but — as discussed in a recent Legal Cheek podcast, embedded below — a ‘work now, live later’ attitude to life can, unfortunately, sometimes prove misguided. (We have come full circle to my first line of this piece: that London is “a splendid place to live in for those who can get out of it”.)

That’s because it doesn’t work economically. Data shows there’s a strong positive correlation between earning more and needing more to get by, known as the ‘decreasing marginal utility of income’. “Once you’re half way up the ladder, it’s very difficult to come down,” the research concludes. Publisher Alex Aldridge, speaking in the above podcast, puts it in more real-world terms:

“What I’ve seen is that often people who have started on a certain path with the intention to do something later, ‘I’ll just get the money and then I’ll do something later’, it hasn’t worked out that way in the end. You get into your big, high-earning City job, and you get a big mortgage and then on top of that, perhaps the partner you’re with will have certain expectations and you get used to this certain lifestyle which is quite expensive and you’re reliant on your salary.”

London, throughout history, has been described as “a world within itself”, “a roost for every bird” and “a modern Babylon”. If you like it, you like it; this piece won’t change your mind on that. But if you find the City smoke choking and the skyscrapers give you vertigo, know that Bristol is calling. And with its happy trainees, high-quality work and per-pound value, maybe you should answer.

The post Booming in Bristol: Should junior lawyers shun the City for the West Country? appeared first on Legal Cheek.

from All About Law https://www.legalcheek.com/2018/02/booming-in-bristol-should-junior-lawyers-shun-the-city-for-the-west-country/

[practisealways-blog]

New beginnings

03/12/17

So following my most recent term at dance school (and all that went on during) I have decided to start a blog-type-thingy. 

I know Tumblr doesn’t really class as a ‘blog’ anymore because there’s so many fancy websites etc but this is all I know and I don’t want it to get too regimented.

The last 11 weeks have been so draining. I began the term happy, healthy, excited, full of energy, in a lovely long term relationship and just generally feeling okay. - Of course I had insecurities about starting a new dance school; worried about my standard compared to everyone else’s, that I wouldn’t fit in, I wouldn’t make friends, and don’t even get me started on my weight/shape. It all completely terrified me, but with the help of my few friends, boyfriend and parents I managed to put all that doubt behind me and walk in with open arms and just decided to take as much as I could from this experience as I’d never get another chance like this to study somewhere so incredible again for the rest of my life. 

And so the first term began, obviously freshers was hilarious. Being 20 (almost 21) going out with a sea of fresh faced 18 year olds was brilliant. I’d never been interested in that side of going out. I always had a small group of people I’d go to festivals/nights with and then for a bottle of wine or few beers with after work on a Friday, but I was never a fan of the nightclub scene. But getting stuck into all of this was a part of my ‘new beginnings’ plan to make new friends and fully submerge myself in the Uni experience.

It wasn’t until our year was levelled and put into our sets that I made the most beautiful friends. I won’t name them, but my god we’re a bunch of misfits. All completely different, funny, beautiful, caring... Honestly I would be lost without them. I know they say you make your friends for life at University and I honestly thought it was a complete over exaggeration but I could grow old with those losers. - So that’s been a lovely part of the experience.

I’ll keep the next bits brief because I’ll just get upset otherwise.

The things that have gone wrong;

- My auntie is still terminally ill and I feel like I spend every day waiting for the worst possible outcome.

- I found out one of my friends tried to commit suicide after years of suffering depression. Luckily she was okay but I wish I’d known so I could have tried to help.

- I have moved house 6 times in last two years and twice in the last 4 months. Once from an overpriced one bedroom flat in Battersea to a shitey house share in North Greenwich to save money with my boyfriend, and then this last time which only happened a few days ago. I’ve just moved into student halls.

The reason I have had to move into halls is because I have recently split up with my partner of 3 and a half years. - Honestly it’s been the most heartbreaking thing I’ve ever done and every day I’m regretting my decision but I just have to know what it’s like to be on my own.

We always had a fantastic relationship. I mean everyone has their struggles, jealousy, long distance or even just pathetic small arguments, it’s super normal. But we just didn’t seem to have that on the same level. I always trusted him, he trusted me, we were happy. I was living in mid Wales with him until he moved to Hastings (4-5 hours away) for a job. THAT was difficult. We’d meet up every few weeks for a day or two and then we’d have to say goodbye again. As painful as that was, I think at such a young age (17-18) it was really good for us. It prepared us for adult life of living together and being independent. And we always made it work. 

Now fast forward a bit, my god we have been through some shit. Two pregnancies (one early miscarriage and one abortion) living together for 2 and a half years, bills, money problems, loans, debts... You name it? We’d done it. In the last 6-8 months we both knew it hadn’t been the same. Decline in intimacy, no holidays or treats, no date nights, no real laughter or conversation. It was just all ‘what are we having for dinner tonight?’ and ‘have you paid the council tax?’ Now 16 year old me would have never thought I’d have been uttering those words at aged 20. I’d completely lost myself, and so had he. We had become suckers to the whole ‘depressive London life’ thing. Two young people working 40 hour weeks for minimum wage. Horrendous. It only got worse, too! Up until now we’d always blame our problems on something else. Our home, our jobs, our money... anything at all. But at the end of the day I think we both knew it was us. In the past 10 years I’ve only been single for 7 months. Yes, that’s right. At 20(!!!!) I’ve always been in a relationship, and I’d never fully experienced the whole ‘independent and free’ thing. Also while I’ve been having the time of my life (even though it’s stressful) at University, it really put things into perspective of how shite things were at home. 

I still love and care for him with every bone in my body, but for me to develop as a young woman, I feel like I need this. It’s not an excuse to go out and sleep around as that’s the complete opposite of who I am and what I stand for, but I just need to know that I (and him for that matter) can live independently and be happy by myself for a while. It’s that old saying ‘you need to make yourself happy before you can make anybody else happy’ and I completely agree with that. I haven’t been happy with myself for a long time and I need this opportunity to find who I really am and learn to love myself. - The first step is putting myself back into counselling for my depression and anxiety (which is slowly ruining my life, but that’s another story for another day) and I’m already proud of myself for doing that as I haven’t been able to speak to anybody in years after my last doctor betrayed me. 

But anyway, I’ve gone COMPLETELY off topic. Basically I’m just taking some time out from my normal comfortable routine to be a better me. He fully understands that and as much as he’s heartbroken too, he’s being a gentleman and completely respecting me for my decision and is being so wonderful and caring (which obviously makes things a lot harder) but there’s a lot in this post that I haven’t said about our relationship because some things are better left private so it may seem like I could be overreacting or something but it’s so vague I hope whoever’s reading this understands that. 

ANYWAY x2... 

I apologise that this is so long and probably not interesting at all, but I already feel SO much better writing all of it down. I’m going to try and make these blogs as versatile as possible so it’s not all just doom and gloom when I’m having a low day. I’ll try to post progression photos and videos of my dancing from time to time and keep updating my journey of self love with my body/mind/soul etc.

I honestly don’t know if ANYBODY will read this, and perhaps nobody ever will, but if you ever find yourself in the deep dark corners of Tumblr and you’re reading this and you fancy a chat... Please don’t hesitate. Whether you’re a fellow dancer or just somebody who feels like they could be in the same sort of headspace as I am right now, just pop up and we can help each other out. 

Smile, and whatever you love doing, keep doing it. 

Never let that fire in your heart fizzle out. 

Practise happiness, practise peace, practise your art.

Practise, always.

R x

[rueur]

Morning Pages #31 (10.02.2017)

Friday 10th February - 11:02 a.m.

So Malith called me yesterday asking if there was going to be anything on for tonight. Friday night! Our plans to go out have been postponed again and again over the past month, essentially since those nights I went out on my own in Northcote. So hopefully Malith is definitely coming out tonight, and Daniel said that he might too if he’s not super tired from work today. I hope he does though, because I have also been meaning to go to Laundry with him, considering that was originally his scene anyway. I also got in touch with Lauren and Jacob and they said they’d love to come too, and that they’d try to make it after Lauren’s photoshoot or something. I had no idea what that meant, and Jacob didn’t say anything else about the photoshoot, so now I guess I’m just hoping that they come out tomorrow.

I have to renew my phone plan today too, and I am afraid that I’ll need to break another $50. I have exactly $700 left to live off of this year and it’s absolutely going to be impossible, unless I never eat anything at all and never leave the house (aside from going to class). I will definitely need a job. I don’t know if they will, but if my parents or my grandpa at least lets me borrow some money for my school books, I might just be able to get by for one semester. But certainly not for the entire year, that would not be possible. I mean, it was fine for first year, but third year will see me tackling longer contact hours and a heavier workload too. I have three full-on days and I’ll definitely need to be treating myself during my lunch break, I mean otherwise I would not have any academic motivation. Uni can be quite indulgent, definitely if you also happen to be studying what you love. You are basically dedicating three years of your life to passionate study that fuels your own personal development rather than contributing to society, and...sorry. I just got a text. My plan was renewed. I checked my balance, and apparently I have enough money for the next two months? Was this my dad? This is very odd. See, I’ve been anxious about where I’m going to be getting my money to pay for this plan from after I donated so much to Lentils, but I couldn’t help that. I know it was probably a stupid thing to do considering my financial situation, but I just felt really bad about the fact that I’m really hoarding my savings. I need to though. I know it’s more socially conscious to share the wealth, and I have generally been doing that with what I have on my card, but I refuse to eat into my savings. I think everybody is the same way, to an extent. Anyway, I’m at least glad that I don’t need to stress about this anymore. I have too much to deal with right now, but then again it feels like I always have too much to deal with. That’s what Malith said to me on the phone yesterday too. Right before he put me on speaker to talk to his sister through their bathroom door as she took a dump. The poor girl.

I’m waiting to Skype with Courtney too. It’s been a while so I figured it would be fun for both of us to properly catch up. I keep thinking about who would want to come out to Laundry, and the only girls that I think would actually fully enjoy the scene with me are Courtney and Jay, but Courtney’s on the other side of the world. And Jay’s not getting back to me, because she rarely does. I have no boisterous female friends, aside from Rhiannon and Lauren, really. But I don’t know if Laundry is Rhiannon’s kind of place, and honestly I don’t really know if Lauren will like it either. I was hoping to just kind of meet girls when I go out, just kind of start dancing with them and then maybe like exchanging numbers or something, but every time I’ve gone out I’ve ended up dancing with some guy for the entire night. Of course, I had no grievances with Evan and I actually am quite happy I did get to meet him, but every other time I’ve gone out has felt somewhat unsuccessful because I didn’t get to meet any interesting women, who would take me out again ideally. Who would take me out a couple of times for the rest of this year and I’d build up a fantastic rapport with them and establish what would quickly become quite distinctively long lasting friendships. Toni and Sam have kind of moved from both me and each other. They’ve become their own people, as have I. And now I’ve found myself in a place where I can’t say I have any real close female friends. I am hopeful with Lauren, but I also know that Lauren and I are going to mess around a little. It will be a friendship, but there’ll also be some fleeting sexual element to it that...actually, that might make the friendship stronger rather than diminish it when you consider how chill Lauren is.

Tonight though, I’m only interested in blowing off some steam: a month’s build up of steam. I am tempted to send Evan a message but I’m just so nervous, I’m too fucking nervous. I was hoping that these pages wouldn’t lapse into journal entries painfully reminiscent of my high school years, but I fear that this has already happened considering I have mostly been talking about boys and friends. To be fair though, I am also on holiday right now, and I will be for the next seventeen days. So I am making the most of this time, spending it being social and revelling in the fact that I have a social life now, rather than working. Even though it would probably be worthwhile to do a little more independent script development, and to refine my slam poem whilst I still have the time to focus on these things. I know that when uni starts, I’ll be spending all of my time on that work over anything else.

It’s 11:34 a.m. now. My plans for the morning were to bike to Westfield and sort my money out at the bank before biking back home and topping up my phone, but now that that’s apparently all been sorted for me (by some generous spirit, or by my father who sounded perhaps too unperturbed on the phone, because I called him as soon as I received the text notification), all I need to do today is eat and workout and then maybe clean my room, just manage myself. Courtney said she’ll be home in an hour, so I think that I can have a quick shower and actually eat some breakfast before she calls and then during the call, I can do a little tidying and also talk to her about what’s been going on with me too. I have been meaning to speak to her for a while, just because talking to her on messenger can become pretty exhausting. I don’t know how she manages to type so much so fast, but it’s actually such a trial trying to keep up with it. I feel bad every time I literally am emotionally incapable of replying to her, and then just end up ‘ignoring’ her messages for a couple of days. I don’t ignore them, I read everything as soon as she sends it to me, but it’s just very hard for me to process everything that she throws at me at once. It’s like I’m living my life but in the background, I have the lives of other people playing at double speed and I have to sort out my life but also sort out all of those lives too. To be fair, this feeling has lessened since I don’t speak to Ikaros as much anymore. That’s certainly helped. And Evan has been taking up a portion of my head space too, I don’t know why really. I’m trying not to place any pressure on him or on me, because it is just the weirdest time for us to have met. Valentine’s Day is next week, and both of our birthdays are only a stone’s throw away. What are we supposed to do? Do we get each other gifts or do we just leave these days of significance be? And miss these first days of significance we’d be having JUST because we don’t know what we are yet, and end up having to wait a whole other year (if a whole other year does pass us by) in order to actually celebrate those days for the first time. Is he even thinking about this too? Or is it just me? What the fuck does he want from me? Why did he tell me that I made his day!? I mean it made me so so happy, I mean you could say that him saying that to me really made MY day. Sometimes I wonder if he’s found this blog and has read my morning pages. If he knows all of this and thinks I’m insane. I know it’s pretty stupid to essentially be posting my DIARY online for everybody to see, but this is supposed to be more of a disciplinary daily activity rather than a place for me to sort out my thoughts. I’m learning more about my voice, about my concerns and how to translate these real-life concerns of mine into my fiction in order to strengthen that sense of individuality and signature in my authorship. It’s like being a linguistic auteur, I guess.

I’m so caught up in this boy, it’s actually making me want to listen to The Script. Science & Faith: the ultimate album when it comes to relationships and deciphering the secret language of I want to say love for the sake of making this sentence sensical, but perhaps ‘relationships’ is more an apt word for me to place here in my given situation. I also just took a massive break from writing (well not ‘massive’; it’s 11:56 a.m. now), to check Facebook and once more scroll through my contact list looking for people who might want to go out because I have actually been a social recluse for the past year and I haven’t really caught up with that many people, which can also explain why I’ve been feeling so lonely lately. Because I spent most of my last year either at work or at uni or with Ikaros. I only really have creative writing friends or old high school friends, or old PRIMARY school friends, but no boisterous friends. Isaac is still overseas, but he’ll be coming back next month, and I don’t even know if he would want to see me because he really hasn’t made any efforts to stay in touch. I know he’s been busy though, and he’s probably been talking to many other people rather than me. The last couple of times we’ve met up have been kind of lacklustre. I don’t know if we can be friends. Okay, it’s 11:59 a.m., and there’s one more minute of morning left. But I am on my fourth page now, so I’m going to go and have a nice, warm shower. Or a bath!