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dubsxreader · 4 years ago

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worship the king //.o1 // shigaraki tomura x female!reader

summary: after the soul crushing realization that you're not meant to be the Hero you've spent your life training to be, you hunt down the most indiscriminate killer you know: Dabi. his man-child of a leader being there only makes the task easier, right? too bad Shigaraki has a knack for seeing things in others they don't see themselves. wc: 3,312 playlist: here!

rated: M for dark and mature themes; future lewd tw: suicidal ideation (seriously don't read if you're in a bad mindset this probs won't help), depression, toxic thoughts, manipulation, the start of a v dependent, idolizing relationship ie "worship" in all definitions of the word haha. Shigs taking advantage of a mentally vulnerable hero basically; dead dove do not eat for that reason.

a/n: this is something I wrote almost year ago now, when I first fell head over heels for Shigs and really felt like bnha was saving me from insanity haha. I have 15 pages of notes for this fic, but for now, for the King's birthday, this is my thank you to him and a year of loving Shigaraki Tomura <3 also to the xreader community for being my gateway into every fandom that takes over my life haha. will be posted to ao3 later

You stand on a cracked, littered rooftop, sullenly looking over the calamity you figured would be destroying the lives of every day, happily unaware citizens tonight. A slight sigh of relief leaves your chewed-to-hell lips, hidden to your own addled mind but glaringly apparent to any of your fellow heroes who’d commented on your state of mind the past few months.

You appreciated their care, you really did—for all the surface level care it could give, that is. It wasn’t their fault they couldn’t understand. They were simply more Heroic than you, official capital and all. More driven, stronger, faster… But you’ve been doing the absolute best you can, and you were sure of that. Days–weeks months?–of harshly honest self speculation assured you of your failures and of the fact that, simply put, you weren’t cut out for shouldering multitudes of lives every time you stepped out your door. Heroism didn’t just end when you took off your costume; no, it was an ideology that should be ingrained into the soul of the costume wearer, and you’d come to the jarring conclusion that, after all your special training, you just weren’t up to snuff.

You couldn’t even save yourself from your own demons. How the hell were you supposed to save those more deserving of life if you couldn’t cope with your own shit?

A small, condescending snort leaves your nostrils as you observe the blue flames engulfing the area below you. Fucking worthless. What was the point, then? Hours of support Hero's work on your items, costume—wasted. The countless words of love and support from friends and family. Ha. Your eyes track the small movements of the current chaos’ perpetrators with a keenness you've found twisted comfort in recently. A familiar, all encompassing fixation gears up that brings you out of the cloud of self-doubt, hate, and deprecation that was so, so wrong to feel as a Pro-Hero in today’s society. In this bubble there's a solution, so it's okay. You let out a numbing breath.

Maybe you could give the Villains +1 morality in the eyes of whatever twisted being rested on their laurels, idly watching as you drive yourself insane.

A swift gust of wind knocks the empty cans and bottles from their peaceful resting places as you leave your perch, descending into the empty alley below to begin your last stand against yourself. Resolute and heavy steps echo in the widened, deserted streets of the city you vowed to protect—a small, still aware part of you thankful it’s so late at night that most would be sleeping. Your targets (saviors?) usually moved when they would make the most social impact, but you’d been tracking a certain member that didn’t seem to adhere to their strict schedule.

Whoever they were behind the obvious moniker, they seemed to kill liberally. It should be easy. You take a numbing breath.

The stench of burning flesh and ash is suddenly all too pungent, assaulting your senses enough to kick your mind into another, more logical plane and question how stupid you’re being. How disappointed everyone who knew you would be. Izuku and Hitoshi, especially, had been trying their hardest to devote extra time to you recently, you knew that—fuck, how selfish were you to bring their attention away from a goal they’d fought so hard to achieve?

The flames are smoldering char on concrete when you arrive at the end of another alleyway, just as dirty as the one you’d come from… But the incineration just seemed to have cleansed the way of its trash. You nearly sigh again in morbid relief when you see two men still standing there in the aftermath. You can see from behind that the man you’ve been tracking, Dabi, still has his left arm extended, as if relishing the memory of his flames destroying the ones he deemed unworthy.

Hands in your hero costume’s pockets, you steel yourself in your usual Hero emotions: indignation, conviction, disgust at the idea of them feeling they had a right to do anything going against the grain of the society you were indoctrinated into. You clear your throat with the last of your practiced confidence, bringing the sights of the two Villains to your own frame shadowed by the bright street lamp at your back.

“You two aren’t planning on getting away with this, are you?”

Your simple, deadpan drawl has both men scoffing to themselves and sharing a look of exasperation and annoyance. They clearly want nothing more than to be done with whatever the hell they were doing; your gaze sharpens in acknowledgment while their own take note of your hero costume. This is it. This is really it. You’ve done it. Is it really what you want?

Your eyes ice over, hardening to protect your vulnerabilities when they meet those of the second man’s own carmine flecks, so unflinching and so, so bored from behind his trademark hand.

Yeah. This is it.

Resignation freezing the rest of your visage and nothing left to say, you dash forward with simple physical speed, locking onto the Villain you recognize as the leader of the League of Villains himself. Sure, Dabi was a proven relentless killer, but you figure if you go after the leader himself there would be even less hesitation or time to think on either side. They were both reportedly unflinching, ruthless, uncaring and absolutely evil, but Shigaraki’s devilishness was practically beaten into you at this point. He was the obvious candidate, the oddness of his presence meaningless yet welcome at this point.

Your eyes never leave his as you take those last three lunging leaps, your arm cocked back in a hopeful show of some impressive power you might possess, in a display grand enough to paint yourself as a threat if not at the very least an annoyance.

Blue flames lick at the back of your costume. You’d somehow been faster than Dabi’s flames, which made no sense at all—you weren’t fast in any capacity if you were to judge yourself. It must’ve been a misfire. Lucky you’ve targeted the faster acting Villain.

Something distinctly odd flashes in his previously disinterested eye as you rush him, your Quirk barely powered yet still reflecting in his observation as you aim for the mask. Your own, in contradictory spite, slows as your mind races, brushing the hand enough to feel the inexplicitly soft and leathery texture, knocking it clean off the face of the man you’d targeted. Maybe it's the adrenaline, maybe it's the anticipation of the end, but you don’t feel anything near what you thought you’d feel when his living hand grazes your outstretched arm. If anything, it feels like an angry wasp had come at your elbow in some sort of misguided revenge attempt. Bearable.

Fucking livable.

You skid to a shaky stop feet behind them, your glare going to the small hole in your costume’s arm where he’d made the briefest of contact. The skin had only begun to crack and decay from a central point; nothing near the scale and intensity you’d been warned about by your superiors and peers. What the fuck gives?

A desperate rage threatens to erupt at the lack of damage. You feel cheated. Your eyes shift from the minimal damage to the apprehensive yet notably curious eyes of your chosen euthanasist. Was he just not taking you seriously? You didn’t blame him, but…

“I thought the League was the best of the best?” The sting in your arm is mockingly there and you scoff, barely hiding your indignation at his unfulfillment of the role you’d forced upon him. You take it and use it to fuel the crumbling foundation of your resolve, ashing it to the ground yourself and focus on the slightly slumped figure topped with white-blue hair.

His eyes are now magnetized and piercing, never wavering from your own, adding to your rage and confusion. Just what is he getting at, looking straight at you in the fucked up state you’re in and just–just fucking seeing–?! You aren’t looking for pity, fuck all if it's from the person you’ve deemed would have the balls you didn’t to end this shitty nightmare you live in. With a primal, anguished and utterly guttural scream you dash forward once more towards Shigaraki Tomura, hand erupting in a more accurate show of your true power.

Once again, he simply guides your attack away from him into empty space, this time with a deft shove of his index finger. Silent and calculating. You stumble on your feet as you land, ignoring the insulting sting, and turn to face them at a pace you know isn’t up to Hero standards but unable to even fake it anymore. Your eyes, though.

They fucking call to him.

How could he dust you? A Pro-Hero, coming at him alone, a deadly ally at his side, with what he knew from his research to be nowhere near their quirk’s power and potential?

Nevermind the look in your eyes he’d recognized immediately—this Hero was asking to be killed. Cracked lips twitch to grin at the situation. His mind works at full throttle to balance the possibilities.

“Heh…” The small breath leaves him, a smirk winning out and pulling at already taught skin, “You’re looking to die, aren’t you, Hero?”

Your brows furrow in… Fuck, you can’t identify your feelings at this point–they shouldn’t matter–they’d become obsolete the moment you took a swing at the supposedly impulsive and irrational Villain in charge. All you can feel is the overwhelming sense of weight, of pressure, of absolute and total CHAOS destroying any semblance of unity you’d pulled together to end this.

“What the fuck does that matter to you, Villain?!” Your glare is full of a rawness you can’t recognize, let alone mask, “Fucking fight me or die!”

His smirk, now fully on display, stretches to the smuggest of smiles as he takes his experimental first steps forward, casually retrieving the hit hand and placing it safely in his trench coat pocket. You weren’t immediately attacking him—hell, you weren’t even defending yourself! You’d only be more obvious if you’d delivered yourself to his doorstep tied in a bright, blood-red ribbon labeled “do what you want, I don’t care anymore!” It made his blood simmer, his skin itch in excitement at all the optional routes opened up before him.

Quickly, too quickly to deploy your defense {even if you wanted to}, he’s in your face and encircling your neck in a four fingered grasp. Your eyes vaguely mark Dabi looking on with a detached interest, and you can’t help but mirror his lack of understanding—your emotions and thoughts unfortunately too far past controllable to be hidden behind the usual Heroics.

“You could still serve a purpose, you know.”

Narrowed (e/c) eyes meet piercing, analytical rubies set to freeze and crumble enemies. You have no answer to that, none at all—if you hadn’t come across another anything while you’d been searching in earnest, how could it be tossed into your lap from the hands of a Villain? Your clear disbelief doesn’t deter him in the slightest. It only gives him the subtle signals he needs to ensure a dedicated new member of his team. This situation could only go well for him and the League, if he plays it right, and he’s thankful Dabi knows when to shut the hell up and take the back seat when he truly should.

He’s never seen Shigaraki’s version of recruitment before. After Dabi's climate destroying display, he could use a lesson.

On the edge though this Hero is, the line is thin and the touch needed is delicate and calculated.

“You can make a real difference in this rotten world,” Shigaraki slowly lowers his defensive arm and loosens his grip on your neck, conveying his intentions to calm you. He notices this strikes an especially sore nerve that you’re too unhinged to recognize. You’re taken over by your emotions, unable to distinguish that you’ve offered your weaknesses to your enemy on a silver platter. Disgusted rage he’s now certain is self-focused meets him, only bringing him a step closer to your frozen and highly panicked figure. His free fingers fidgets on the clammy skin of your neck, tapping a pattern across your throbbing pulse, expectant and soft while the other stays loosely, carefully, against your clavicle.

It's constant.

It's… calming?

No, it's fucking overwhelming and uncomfortable and— As if your body’s acting on the last vestiges of your studies, you struggle in his grasp and pull your dominate arm back, channeling all your sadness and panic you’d been unable to expel into the attack you hoped would just fucking end this fucking end this it’s done—

Another four fingered grip captures your wrist, directing your power away from anything important and only ruffling Dabi’s clothes as he watches on. You choke on a cry, near your mask’s end with Shigaraki’s unexpected patience. You’d been told this was nothing more than a spoiled, raging, calloused young man entirely unable to connect with any feelings other than his own selfish need to destroy all Heroes he came in contact with. The only conclusion your racing mind can come to is that he doesn’t even view you as a Hero worth destroying. Thick and torrid tears rush from your eyes, betraying your need to be recognized and being denied that luxury in your final moments.

“I can’t even get what I need from you fuckfaces—!” Your cry rings out, eyes shutting tightly, shaking with the force of your emotions finally finding the breaking point they need to crash through into the real world, “What the fuck can I do to make a fucking difference?!”

Shigaraki pauses to assess your sobbing. You’ve all but folded into yourself; you would’ve disintegrated against his hold on your neck if he hadn’t been paying attention. No… he sees you. He sees you. His fingered grip on your neck slides up to force your head to follow, meeting his sure gaze. You’re lost. You’re anxiously grasping at anything you can to stop the burning, itching need to destroy your own mind… And he gets that. He knows what it took to hook him tightly into his own mindset. He knows of seeing a seemingly impossible goal set before him, of feeling unworthy and needing to prove himself to his peers and himself. If anyone could reshape you... it would be him. If anyone were to reshape you... it should be him.

“It isn’t fair, is it…?” He starts slowly, voice dripping with cooing understanding, gauging your expressions and body, “You work so hard to be what others want you to be… And never feel enough, even when you put your all into it.” Your whole being shudders at his words, breaking down and melting into the pressure of your expectations for yourself. You choke on another messy sob, tears blinding you, snot nearly reaching your lips, a trail of drool unknowingly slipping from the corner of your grimacing lips.

“We’d never expect more than you can give, you know,” He all but whispers into your ear, his words echoing with staying power. You miss the tiniest bit of excitement he lets slip into his tone at the thought of corrupting a fairly strong Hero to his cause with mere psychological one-upmanship. The power over your entire existence is an intoxicating prize and he’s not about to let go of it if he can help it.

A sad cross between a whimper and a cry escapes you as you crumble even more into a hold you’d only come to for annihilation. Why wasn’t he killing you? Why weren’t you dead? You’d wanted to die, needed to just stop everything and just—just STOP, finally, just stop. He was a hardened criminal with no need for heroes, what the hell kind of use did he see in you? You still the tiniest bit. You just need a use, a tangible use, is that what you’ve been missing? A clear direction set before you by an overwhelmingly liberating, intelligent, capable force… Could he see it through all the absolute shit you covered yourself in?

A tentative spark lights the furthest parts of you as you finally meet his confident and knowing gaze. Fuck if you don’t feel seen for the first time in your life, finally seen and accepted for the absolute mess you see yourself as. The conflicting, philosophical doubts you’ve had about Heroism, and your own heroics in the existential race you call a life, find a peaceful place in Shigaraki Tomura’s vision.

It's an alien calm, a powerful sedative on your mind, leading you to melt into his look—telling him all he needed to know and more. The grin he sports widens and his eyes shift to give a silent command to Dabi, still (surprisingly) observing quietly, before changing your life indefinitely, “Follow me, little hero. You'll never be lost again.”

A deep, swirling purple warp gate you’d only seen in footage appears at the entrance to the alleyway.

The loose grip on your neck finally leaves completely, giving you ample room to escape up and out across the rooftops. You’re frozen in your battling thoughts at the suddenly very real decision in front of you.

You knew you weren’t good enough to be a Hero. You’d been struggling with the core beliefs on what the word even meant, if the world you’d been taught was even so black and white. Did you even want to die or did you just need someone to come and give you a purpose, some great refocusing direction? Someone to swoop in, recognize and acknowledge your pain before wiping it away and giving you something definite to live for? You knew you couldn’t make it as a Hero. You were nothing in that world. But maybe you could make that nothing existence, doomed to the weaker, better…?

Eyes nearly blinded before blinking down more streams of tears, you sniffle and take a tentative step towards the man looming tall over you, an umbrella shielding you from a brightness you couldn’t stand to be seen in. You harshly wipe your falling tears to watch Dabi walk swiftly into the portal, an unlit cigarette of some sort dangling from his patterned lips. Shigaraki steps to it much slower. He stops before he reaches it, twisting subtly to look at you from over his shoulder. He shouldn’t have to say anything more for you to follow, if his assumptions are correct—

They are.

Your first steps are slow but pick up speed quickly, feet nearly throwing you into his right side, at the mouth of the portal to a place described by your thoughts as no return. His eyes widen in delight, a manic grin following as he places the fingers of his left hand onto your head in a semblance of comfort. More than he ever got. His right arm wraps confidently around your waist, absurdly consoling to your rapidly evolving morals and needs.

It allows you to let it all go, though. It tells you someone more capable, more prepared is there. That he sees you and is keeping you alive because you’re useful to him. You can’t seem to care why when the overwhelming realization that such a powerful man saw you as you were, truly were, and still found a profound use for you in a world you were dying in takes a strong hold. You’re practically weightless as he guides you into the inky blackness of his caretaker’s portal, mind clicking into place and recognizing the distinct choice you’re making with a calm acceptance of this development in your life.

You were a useless hero. Perhaps this is your chance to prove you could make a difference to someone as a villain.

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a/n: thanks so much for reading!! :) hope you enjoyed~ happy birthday, Shigster! maann I wish he'd take me away ;w; drop of a hat, I'm gone lol. the ultimate escapism... yandere!Shigaraki! xD annyway, I hope you have a wonderful day~ <3

#shigaraki tomura x femaie!reader #shigaraki x reader #tw sucidal ideation #tw depression #tw manipulation

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bourbon-ontherocks · 4 years ago

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Author Meme

Tagged by - @riosnecktattoo @missmaxime @wakeupflawless (thanks babes!! 😘😘😘)

Tagging - I have absolutely no idea of who did it already so I’ll blindly tag @mamey2422 @sdktrs12 @xstrawmari @juuuunaaaaoooo and @nottonyharrison

Well I did this a while ago, but I guess a couple of things have changed ever since...

ao3 name: Well, not everything. It’s still BourbonOnTheRocks, haha!

fandoms: Still Good Girls. Graceland if you squint really hard, and hopefully Crazy Ex-Girlfriend one day...

number of fics: 16 (which is. Insane.)

fic I spent the most time on: Lol. It’s All Coming Back To Me has been a work in progress for like 8 months now, so it has to be this one? Although if one counts strictly in terms of time spent on it, and doesn’t includes the literal weeks I spend without actually opening my doc, it... still might be it because ugh, ten chapters already! But I did spend an unreasonable amount of time on Take A Dip too, and the more I go the more time I tend to spend on writing and editing, so it could be any fic... Also have you considered the highest time spent/words count ratio?? Cause that would probably change the answer a little bit.

fic I spent the least amount of time on: Well, it’s still He’s not Dumb which was started from scratch, written and posted in less than three hours. I probably won’t ever reiterate this performance.

most hits: Still Love And War, for chronological reasons.

most kudos: The last time I played this game I predicted that It’s All Coming Back To Me would eventually top every category... And it probs would have. But then the kudos bombing happened (lol), so it’s finally Take A Dip (but directly followed by the former).

most comments: It’s All Coming Back To Me

most bookmarks: It’s All Coming Back To Me

highest total word count: Love And War

favourite fic I wrote: No. No. No. I won’t pick one favourite among my babies!!!! But I’m very satisfied at the moment with We're Living In A Powder Keg And Giving Off Sparks and Take A Dip. I put a lot of work in the characterizations, and these two were also my first post-S3 canon-ish fics and finding the right tone wasn’t easy, but both of those fics came out pretty satisfyingly.

Oh and I love my envelope crackfic too -- and not only because now Four Seasons In One Day isn’t alone anymore in the least kudos category -- but mostly because since I have a taste for angst, I hardly ever write tooootally fun stuff. I mean I try to bring some comical relief even in my darkest stories, but Envelopes Comin' In The Mail, Let Her Open 'Em was the first time I allowed myself to write something fully for the fun, which is something I don’t indulge in very often.

fic I want to rewrite/expand on: Oooooof... Obviously if I had an unlimited amount of time and motivation, I’d probably rewrite Love And War because it makes me cringe so much right now!!!! But I can’t say that such a prospect enthralls me at all. I also have a drafted ‘five years later” epilogue/fifth chapter to A Reason To Fight that I’m not sure I want to post yet, I haven’t decided if it would do any good to the story or not.

Other than that... I mean I already have too many new fics to write/edit, I’m not gonna start giving myself more work with expansions!!!

share a bit of a wip or story idea you’re working on: So I’m totally aware that the last time i played this game I shared a sneak peek to the Good Girls/Crazy Ex Girlfriend crossover promising it would come out soon, and it was like three months ago, and that fic’s still not on top of my posting list... I’ll try not to repeat my past mistakes, and will share an unedited excerpt of the second chapter of the Western AU, hoping that it will not eventually curse it, haha.

He watches her yanking the man down the other horse with quite a deliberate absence of care, and he'd swear she let him fall down the ground in purpose. The man loudly groans in protests and Rio can't completely repress a gasp at the sight of the man's face.

Now don't get him wrong. He's seen some pretty ugly shit back then in the army. It takes more than just a little blood to upset him, it's just -- it's the idea that she did this. Probably with her bare hands cause she exudes a general rejection of the basic concept of tools.

"Jeez, you could have spared his bone structure!" he scolds.

"Think he deserved it?" she immediately bites back with an irritated wave of her head as she inflicts a string of rapid kicks to the guy's butt until he's on his feet, his hands still tied up in his back.

As if on sync with her rhetorical question, the man spits some blood with a groan. Pretty sure there's a tooth too in the repulsive mixture that drops and draws a crimson star on the dusty ground.

"She's crazy, man! I might need facial surgery for that!" the man yelps in a high-pitched, strangled voice.

Rio smirks, takes his time to blatantly ignore the guy's complaint, his stare focused on her. She stares back at him, challenging, a light of triumph ready to ignite in her deep blue eyes. Cause obviously the pathetic loser whining in front oh him deserved it -- this and more. He can't contradict her on that. But...

"Ain't the point, sweetheart."

Elizabeth rolls her eyes with an exasperated glare.

(Guess who the beaten up man is for another sneak peek!!!)

#author meme #tagging games #yeah I've already partially written several chapters of the western AU #I just have a tiny plot issue around chapter 10 that I want to solve before I post anything so everything can stay consistent #but it's coming soon #normally the next thing I'll post #unless I manage to also finish it's all coming back to me in between idk #my fic #fanfic #sneak peek

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twinkletoes-rp · 4 years ago

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6, 7, 19, 20, 30, 31, 32, 39, 40, 41, 43, 44, 45, 51 (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:・ﾟ✧

Fanfiction Questions meme

6. List your OTP from each fandom you’ve been involved in.

Oh, geez... I’ve been involved in so many fandoms, LOL. I don’t really know if I can/should name them all. I’ll give you the ones (ONLY OTPs - doesn’t mean I don’t ship other things, too) I can think of off the top of my head.

Kiba/Hinata (Naruto), Fakir/Ahiru (Princess Tutu), Stiles/Derek (Teen Wolf), Kirito/Lisbeth (Sword Art Online), Harry/Hermione (Harry Potter), Goku/Bulma (Dragon Ball), Yusuke/Botan (Yu Yu Hakusho), Todoroki/Izuku (BNHA), (better!)Bakugo/Uraraka (BNHA), Toph/Aang (ATLA), and Adrien/Marinette (Miraculous Ladybug)!

7. List your NoTPs from each fandom you’ve been in.

(This isn’t meant to be hate on the ships I name! I just don’t ship them, that’s all! Ship and let ship! ;))

Naruto/Sasuke (Naruto), Kirito/Asuna (Sword Art Online), Ron/Hermione (Harry Potter), Harry/Ginny (Harry Potter), Goku/Chichi (Dragon Ball), Yusuke/Keiko (Yu Yu Hakusho), Bakugo/Izuku (BNHA), and Aang/Katara (ATLA).

19. Is there a ship (in your current fandom) which you wished you could get behind, but you just don’t feel them?

I’m not sure I have a ‘current fandom’ since I live for, like, everything at once, but maybe technically Naruto would be it?

In that case (again, no offense to anyone - and removing the ‘I wish I could get behind’ part ‘cause I do not), NaruSasu. I just...don’t get it? At all? Maybe it’s the ‘what could have been’s or whatever, but when you just take the series at face value, that relationship is...really icky, at least to me, and that’s putting it lightly. It’s so damn unhealthy, especially for poor Naruto. They were never even friends, Sasuke always treated him like shit, and yet...?! *throws hands at half+ of OG series and virtually all of Shippuden* IDK, man. Something’s weird there, and I don’t like it. Can’t support that. Naruto deserves better, damn it. (*casually links her Naruto AU fic where he DOES get better (in more ways than one), TYVM*)

20. Any ships (in your current fandom) which you surprised yourself by liking?

Going with Naruto again, so. Hmm... I guess maybe Kankuro/Tenten? I didn’t even know that was a ship until a friend showed me a really good fic, and I was hooked! lol.

Another might be KakaObi, but only in AUs where Obito survives the cave in and gets out with Kakashi and Rin and recovers, continuing to be the sweetheart he is instead of the ass he turned out to be in canon. Because he, too, deserved better, damn it!

Another is one I might have made up, not sure (mostly in the context of my Naruto AU, NGL), lol: Karin/Shikamaru! It makes sense and there are lots of compelling reasons when you break it down! You know, 'cause Shikamaru would need (or probs at least prefer) someone on his smarts level, and she's a genius, too, just in a different way. And once she mellows out, Karin's really cool, and (in my AU) she grows to eventually adore Naruto (actually fights to defend/protect him in the Pein arc!), and anyone who loves Naruto is good in Shikamaru's book! lol. Plus, she can tell him when he has his genius brain twisted in too many directions, tell him he's being an idiot and help him figure things out in her different way. lol. IDK, I like it!

30. What inspires you to write?

I just...love writing?? I’ve wanted to be an author since I was 8-9 years old, started writing when I was 11, and I’ve been writing ever since! I’m 27 now! I’ve had a few dry spells, ofc, but I always end up coming back! I just feel like writing is in my blood (partly because, I like to joke, my last name is the title of one of Shakespeare’s plays, haha)!

Pretty much anything can inspire me to write, though. I’ll see a pretty flower and be like “OOH, that flower could feature perfectly in this chapter in this way!” and then write 1k about that! lol. Or I could read a review of one of my new chapters and end up thinking of something I’d never considered before and then write almost 3k on that alone (looking at you, middle section of Ch 6 of my Naruto AU, lol)!

Basically, if it sparks joy, I’m gonna write something! X’D

31. What’s the nicest thing someone has ever said about your writing?

Nicest?? Hmm... I mean, I’ve had a lot of things said about my writing... Not sure I can really narrow it down? lol.

I guess the nicest things I’ve ever been told are when I make people cry (espec multiple times!) and actually feel the emotions the characters are feeling, that the characters and their development feel so real that it’s like they’re real people instead of fictional/they’re written so much better than the creator himself wrote them. (Been getting those a lot on my Naruto AU, actually. lol.)

32. Do you listen to music when you write or does music inspire you? If so, which band or genre of music does it for you?

I tend to prefer silence while I write, but sometimes, my house is loud and people keep breaking my concentration (house of 5, lots of animals, not the quietest, lol), I sometimes listen to music. I usually prefer instrumental, and then usually Naruto or Wolf’s Rain (sometimes Princess Tutu, too) instrumental tracks. The Naruto one I like best also has rain sounds mixed in, which is great because I love the sound of rain! Woo! (Here’s a link to that one if anyone else wants in on this! ;))

39. What is your greatest strength as a writer?

Emotions and getting into the nitty-gritty stuff therein. As an extremely visual, emotional writer, I’ve always been able to feel the emotions of the characters pretty much exactly how they’re feeling it in the moment and then put it on paper. I also make people cry a lot with my writing and get them to feel what the characters do, so that’s awesome! It’s always my goal to get my readers to feel things because then I feel like they’ve really connected with the story and characters I’ve written!

40. What do you struggle the most with in your writing?

Transitions are dicks. Sometimes I struggle ‘cause it’s been, like, two seconds or five hours, and I don’t know how to show that, lol. If I can, espec with the last one, I just fade to black. lol.

Also, sometimes I feel like I use the same sentence structure a lot, mostly the ‘..., but...’ format (at least lately). It’s really annoying, and I worry my readers notice and get annoyed/think I suck because of it. lol.

41. List and link to 5 fanfics you are currently reading:

“All the ways I say ‘I love you’” by Leonardo_Charles_BlueWood_21 (Fandom: Ninjago)

“Paradise Lost” by AnchoredTether (Fandom: Voltron Legendary Defender (Zootopia-esque dark AU))

“where my armor ends” by dalniente (Fandom: She-Ra Princesses of Power)

“of cats and curses” by faerialchemist (Fandom: She-Ra Princesses of Power x Fruits Basket crossover)

“Mischief is its Own Reward” by dalniente (Fandom: Megamind)

43. Is there anyone in your fandom who really inspires you?

I don’t really read Naruto fanfic too much anymore, so like...I guess, technically, another main fandom of mine right now is Fruits Basket, so: without a doubt, @kyosohmastan ! They’re my absolute favorite Fruits Basket fanfic author! Everyone’s so in character, the writing is so sweet and feelsy, steamy when it needs to be, and I really love the writing itself - it’s just so well done and beautiful and I die happily when they post a new fic or chapter? Ahhh! Plus, they’re just so nice and talented in so many ways, we have the same opinions on certain things (like Kakeru Manabe is Too Much(TM) for us, haha, no offense to those who like him! lol.), and I just really, really feel blessed to know and read their fics! Love them so! <3

44. What ship do you feel needs more attention?

I’m not sure which ship this is talking about? Hmm... But a ship I definitely think (have always thought) needs more attention is Kirito/Lisbeth from Sword Art Online! It’s so slept on, and that is a damn fucking shame because they’re so healthy and sweet and have so much more amazing potential than they’re given credit for (way freaking more than the actual canon couple, just sayin’, no offense to anyone who likes the pairing)! I have written a good few metas (and a fanfic) on the subject (some/most of which are on my Lisbeth RP blog, actually, lol)! If anyone wants to discuss/RP/anything involving this ship, please let me know! Would love it!

45. What is your all time favourite fanfic?

I’m not sure I have a favorite fic. But one that I always come back to (all of her (mostly G1) My Little Pony fics, actually - first found them when I was, like, 12, and have kept rereading over and over through the years, haha) is A Mother in Her Eyes by LoveLikeElena on FFN. It takes place in the author’s own MLP universe, but I love said universe so much, and her takes on the characters are amazing and so sweet! I love her look at the serious subjects that follow the characters through her ongong MLP series! <3

51. Rant or Gush about one thing you love or hate in the world of fanfiction! Go!

Fanfic readers have become really, really lazy. No one reviews anymore, maybe leave a kudos here and there if you’re lucky (I have a major love-hate (more hate) relationship with kudos...), and it’s so, so, so discouraging to us writers! I wish they knew how it felt, to be honest, espec the ones you know are reading, but just...don’t comment. It’s ridiculously disheartening to work so hard on something for days, weeks, even months or years on something, only to get basically nothing in return. It’s like posting into the void, and it sucks ass. It’s part of what made me quit writing for a good few years, actually, and I’m so sad to see that it’s still a thing. I comment on everything I read because I know how it feels and how much it hurt! It hurts like hell, especially because I remember how it used to be just 6-8 years ago when everyone commented! I desperately pray the fanfic/content consuming world fixes that really soon or we might lose some really amazing writers! Please, even an emoji or keyboard smash! I don’t care, I’ll take anything (and I know I’m not the only one)! <3

#answer #dancibayo

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bellismaperry · 5 years ago

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Idiot { Loki Fanfiction }

This my first Fanfic that I post here on tumblr. I literally just wrote this so theres a lot of grammer mistakes. I’ll promise I’ll get better haha. Hope you like it. It has a main Character but if you want like y/n you can do it. its how ever you want to read it! as long the message of the story is there I don’t care!. Please if you do like tell me to continue!! cause I will. I don’t know when I’ll post because I work and study. but I promise I will post. If want to be tagged pls dm. and will be tagged until its closed!. Hope you guys like this story I have had this idea for so long! hope you really like it like it like I do and lets see what the future holds! I present to you Idiot ( ps the cover is on its way ;) )

Warnings: None

Tara Jones

Loki Odinson

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Everybody was wearing black attire, with sad expressions. Losing a member of a team is one the hardest things ever. Its like losing a family member. After pushing away Tony’s reacter in the lake, I sat at the wooden porch with my legs in the lake.

God I am such an idiot . How could be so dumb?. I look around the people around me. There were new faces along with old ones. Tony had a lot of people who cared for him.

Strange looks at me looking around and walks over where I am sitting. “ I know its a funural and being happy is not an option, but why in particular you look like you killed some one”

I look up to him and shake my head. “ I messed up Stephen, big time and now its ony hitting me” I say as I move my feet around the water.

he takes a breath “ we all do that all the time Tara”

I shake my head and take my feet off the water and put them on the wooden porch. “ no but i seriously messed up. Theres a solution but it only make it hundred times more worst then it already is. And the worst part is I’m completely alone with it and just still a kid”

Strange Lowers down to my level as tears starts to fall off my face. “ You’re not alone, you have me and the rest of all the people here”

I wipe my tears with the sleeve of my shirt. and look down at my hands. “ Nobody can help because,

I’m pregnant with Loki’s baby” ..

Chapter one

My mother used to tell me that everything was for a reason and that god has set up for me for a good reason in my life. But what my mother didn’t tell me was that getting knocked up by a god at the age of 23 was the plan that a “god” had for me.

This was a whole new game for me and whats left of the avengers team but for overall for me mostly. Since I’m the one pushing the damn thing out of me in 9 months or so.

When I told Stephen that I was pregnant with Loki’s baby hell broke loose. Well let me rephrase that.

Fury wanted me to be locked up because I was connected with a war criminal. Carol wanted to blast me off for being so stupid. Bruce was scratching his head like fifty times at once because how in the hell I was going to give birth to a semi-god. Thor was the only one happy because he had at least some family left couldn’t wait to be a uncle and wanted me to give birth in New Asgard but soon that idea went away when he left with the guardians. And well lastly Stephen was in a screaming match with me for over an hour of how stupid moron idiotic person I am , of letting myself getting pregnant of a super galactic international war criminal. And honestly I couldn’t agree more with everything that happened.

It is stupid of me getting prego of a criminal, and even more when he’s like dead dead and probs never coming back. But at the same time who could blame? I was horny he was too, we both good looking people, we took the chance and honestly to what ever god I don’t regret what happened in that ship, one of the best nights of my life...

Sakarian Refugees Ship..

“Did that just-“ I get cut of by loki

“ Happen?, yes” he says as he sits up the against the bed head board.

I look up at him and smile. “ This was the most Idiot thing I ever done ” I say as I take a breath.

“really?” he asks as he pushes his hair away from his face.

I nod “ yea, but I don’t regret one bit of it” I say with a small smile.

Loki smiles at me and leans down to my face “ good because I don’t either” he leans closer and gives me a kiss. But is soon comes to an end as Thor voice enters the room.

“Loki! We need help theres a ship coming towards us and its not stopping after numerous calls of peace!”

Loki pulls away and takes a deep breath “ well I guess that the end of that” I grab one side of of his face and pass my fingers over his smooth skin. “ don’t worry theres going to be more” I say as I lean over to him for another kiss but I am stopped as the ship moves unexpectedly as like something shooting us.

I look at Loki worried and gives me the same look. “we need to get dressed now!” he says and I nod with him and as we both get off the bed and start getting dressed as fast we could...

Present

Now I’m sitting in a cold white bed in the ginecoligist office waiting to get my first ultra sound done. My case was the worlds most confusing ones. My baby was turn into dust inside of me after the bleep happend or so like Bruce likes to say, you had a dust baby for five years and when the snap was reversed your baby re appeared again. Every doctor in the country wanted to be my doctor and do it for free which man is every pregnant woman dream!. One of this things are so expensive its more expensive then a damn house.

But thanks to Pepper Recommendation I am here with her ginecologist who helped her tru her pregnancy. Which means i’m in very good hands.

“ok, i’m sorry for the wait Ms?” The Doctor aks as she sits in the chair and puts gloves on.

“Jones , Tara Jones” I say as I lift my shirt up and lean down in the bed.

“Ok Tara, My name Is Leslie Williams were going just going to check how the little baby is doing and let you on the basic stuff ok?” she says as she takes container with something jelly inside of it.

I smile and nod.

“ok perfect ,Lets see whats happening inside. I’m going to put this jelly in your stomach its going to feel cold but it will go in a few minutes” she says as she opens up the tube and pours our the cold jelly in my stomach. and starst moving the device around my stomach.

“ Is the Father coming later or”

I Swallow a bit and bite my lip “ no its just me”

“ Oh well, you’re going to be a great mother alone or not don’t let those bad anxieties take over ok. Everything is going to be ok. And in your particular case were going to do everything we can to make this process as painless and smooth as we can”. she says with a warm smile.

i give her a toothless smile. Cmo’n! I am giving birth to a semi-god. I can hear my screaming already. I had a dust baby. A DUST BABY that has to have complications somehow. I am human after all. and to make it all worst the one person who could tell me how this could go was strangled to death so thats great and awsome to start with.

“I mean its not going to be smooth it all. I am giving birth to a god. I am a simple human, the only special thing about me is my magic and this baby. Who’s Father is never going to be with me because a big purple alien with a purple ballsack of a face thought it was a good idea to get rid half of the population and stangle him to death until his eyes was crying blood and then go live in a farm like some red neck in tennessee. No its not going to be fine or smooth or happy or wonderful. So don’t be say things that won’t ever happen please.

The Doctor stares at me in shock. and proceeds to look for the baby. “ i’m sorry to hear that Ms Jones I had no idea.” she says as she keeps looking at the screen.

I take a deep breath pass my hands all over my face “ its ok, I’m used to it by now”

She nods. and when I was about to tell her that I was sorry of how I reacted she stared pointing to the screen and say “ there, theres it is. You’re baby. “

I look closer to the screen and see a tiny circle. A tiny innocent circle that was growing inisde of me. it looked like the size of a 5 peas together.

“you’re Four weeks in the pregnancy, the exams all look great, nothing looks like is altered by the bleep. It looks like you just got pregnant four weeks ago not five years ago. Which its is a medical miracle discovery. “ she says taking off her gloves.

I nod at her while still looking at the screen, I lean over and pass my fingers thru the screen. Thats my baby there. My circle god dust baby.

the Doctor looks at me and crosses her arms against her chest. “ do you want a picture of the ultra sound?”

I nod not looking way from the monitor “ yea”

the Doctor smiles and leaves the room.

I still stare at the monitor. Thats my and Loki’s baby. Who knew that a one-night stand with a god would have lead to this. It was stupid of me not using protection but what did i know? for all I thought humans couldn��t get pregnant by gods.

But I do know that is this is going to be a very bumpy ride... With my dust baby.

🦋—————————————————-

Thank you for reading the first chapter of Idiot hope you guys liked it!! remember to leave a comment, like and reblog pls! also if want to be tagged for the next chapter dm! bye love you guys! 🦋🦋

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weliveourdream · 5 years ago

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Hola everyone.

And welcome back to my blog and also with that to another week. I hope the last week and weekend have been great and that you’re doing good. First of all, I need to apologise for not posting anything that past week. I was quite busy the last few days – good busy, not bad busy, thank god – and could unfortunately never find the right time to actually sit down and write something, although ever since Saturday the 19th – the one two weeks ago – I’ve had one post fully planned out. This one you’re reading right now, to be exact. And it’s a special one, I can tell you that. Because today, and finally, I have the honour of telling you everything about the very beautiful, super mesmerizing and absolutely unbelievable Amber Run I had the chance to attend. It was incredible. I can’t wait for you to read this.

Okay, so, first of all, the whole adventure started off with me – and buckle up for this – actually getting to interview these lovely guys from this incredible band. Joe, Henry and Tom. The fantastic trio. And ultimate reason for one of the most phenomenal days/evenings/nights of my entire life. I’m not gonna go into much detail about the whole interview, as all the gossip and stuff isn’t really my thing, but I do want to say that they were the nicest guys ever and that I still feel so incredibly honoured to have got the chance to meet them. I’ll definitely never ever forget it. And with that, it is also my pleasure to share the finished feature I wrote about our whole chat with you guys. So, if you want to check that out, please just click here and enjoy. Also, please don’t hesitate to tell me your thoughts if you do check it out. I appreciate any kind of feedback. Thank youuuu.

So, yeah, that was kind of the first part of the absolute madness that was that day. And I had every intent to fully enjoy every second of it. After the super lovely interview, I then obviously had to stay at the venue – the Roundhouse in London – in order to get to the front for the gig. You might think now that it could be a bit weird to be there as a journalist at first and then end up at the front row for the gig, but, in all honesty, I had waited for that gig for a long time and besides that, I’m also short, so it’s either the front or seats for me. And in that case, it had to be the front. Which I actually managed to get – I mean, it was second row, but let’s not be that strict, right -, which I’m still kind of proud of. I know, I know, I was one of the first people to actually get to the venue, so where else would I be, but still. I’m still proud.

After quite some time of waiting outside and then inside, which mainly consisted of me sitting on the pretty cold floor and fangirling about the interview with my friend, it was finally time for the support band – Stereo Honey – to come on stage and then, after them, Amber Run. I can’t even put into words how excited I was. Even after having spent quite some time with them chatting while being sat in a tiny room, it was still so incredible to see them on stage. Maybe also because it was my first time of seeing them live. Either way, if anyone ever looked professional and at ease with what they’re doing, it was definitely them. And I truly, truly laughed that. You know, whenever a band is on stage, playing live, and really shows and lets the crowd know that they are enjoying the moment just as much as the people attending the gig, the whole thing levels up by about a hundred for me. It just completely changes the overall dynamic in the room when the artists are as happy as the crowd. And that’s why it matters so much to me. I want the band or the artist to be happy. Just as happy as I am in that moment. And I think, on that particular Saturday, the whole room was definitely just one big heap of happiness (and maybe a bit of melancholic sadness in-between, depending on the song they were playing).

Out of the whole one and a half hours, there were quite a few highlights, which I do have to talk about because I can’t help myself. The first one definitely has to be finally getting to hear ‘Amen’ and ‘I Found’ live. I cried during both of them. Both kinda broke my heart – ‘Amen’ a tad more simply because of its story and existence overall (or how Joe put it – peak emo). And both were an experience that I could only describe as heavenly and otherworldly. I mean, the whole gig in itself felt like a trip to heaven for a few reasons. For once, there’s Joe’s voice. If you don’t know it, please go and check it out now, because I simply have no words to describe how beautiful it is. Then there’s the fantastic band. And last but not least, there were the moments I will forever cherish when all three of them – Joe, Henry (their keyboardist) and Tom (their bassist) – sang together. I can’t even describe what their voices combined sounded like. Heaven. They sounded like heaven. And they made me feel like I was in heaven.

Besides that, there was also this very cute moment when they started playing ‘What Could Be As Lonely’, which is one of my absolute favourites and also funnily enough one of theirs as well, and Henry, who was right in front of me, had this very fun moment of complete understanding and excitement. The story to that would be that we had discussed the song and at the end they had said that they would make sure to play the song. So, when they played it, Henry looked at me with that expression of “AHA! There you go.” and I just laughed at him and gave him two thumbs up. It was such a sweet moment, honestly. Actually having a real interaction with the band during the gig is literally one of the best things ever.

And last but not least I have to mention the moment when all the crying on my behalf started, which was when they played Affection. I mean, this one has always had a special place in my heart as it was the first song I heard of their newest album, but what made it all even more incredible was that they actually had the singer of Stereo Honey come up on stage to perform the song with them. Have any of you guys ever had to cry because something was too beautiful to cope with it? Because that was exactly what happened to me while I was listening to them and watching them. It was just so damn beautiful. And wholesome. And cute. It was simply perfect.

Actually, that’s what I would call the whole day/night overall. It was nothing short of perfection. As soon as the gig had ended, I fell in this kind of trance. It had really been this good. I felt like I was on a cloud or something. And I know this might sound super crazy now, but out of the over 170 artists I’ve seen live over the course of my whole life, that band and that gig definitely earned a spot in top 10. And that’s really saying something. I’m easily excited and interesting, but not like that. Amber Run did more than just excite and interest me. So much more.

Also, absolute probs to their whole team and especially their stage and light designers, because, heck, what a show. I mean, just take a look at the pics down below. How beautiful does that look? With the colours and the sign and just everything. So pretty.

So, overall, Saturday and that gig and Amber Run created something magical that I hadn’t experienced before that and I will forever be grateful for that and cherish every single moment. If any of you guys ever get the chance to see these incredible guys live, please please please do yourself a favour and go to the show. Even if you don’t know their music. Trust me, you’ll love them. And obviously, checking them out on Spotify is a must as well. And until then, I hope you enjoyed reading about this magical, heavenly day/night that I got to experience. I’m utterly happy that I got to share it with you and I can’t wait to hear all your opinions. As always, I wish you all an amazing week and, of course, thanks for reading. x

The Sounds of Heaven Hola everyone. And welcome back to my blog and also with that to another week. I hope the last week and weekend have been great and that you’re doing good.

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surveys-at-your-service · 6 years ago

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Survey #176

rape tw

Do you like to have croutons in your salad? Noooonononono. It's a texture thing. Which do you find more irritating - sunburn or bug bites? Sunburn. How many friends do you have on Facebook? Like... 116? How many contacts do you have in your phone? 16. Do you carry any means of protection on you while out in public? No, but I wanna get pepper spray. Would you ever pick up a hitchhiker? No, I'm too paranoid of strangers. Do you know anyone who does cocaine? Not to my knowledge. What is something that most people wouldn’t know about you from simply looking at you? I used to be a super in-shape 117 lb. queen that even then felt slightly fat. :') What’s a quality that your sister has that you absolutely can’t stand? One has a serious temper, the other's... well I dunno. I don't see my older sis enough. Have you ever been to a bachelor or bachelorette party? No. Something you would NEVER buy? Uhhh the first thing that came to my head are snakes that aren't directly from breeders. Both snakes I bought from PetSmart were sick, so. No thanks. Could you wait until marriage for sex? Yeah. Have you ever dated a smoker? If not, would you? No, deal breaker for me. Do you share a middle name with any of your siblings? Yes, Nicole. Do you think your first love still loves you? No, but the feeling's mutual so np. Are you a money saver or spender? I've never had a consistent source of income, but when I do get some from gifts or photography, I've actually proven to be great at saving it for whatever my target is. Hopefully I stay that way when I do have a job. Has a member of the opposite sex ever seen you naked? Yes. Have you ever had to sell something for a school fundraiser? Yup. If you have any piercings, who did them? Claire's did my earlobes, then various people from Garry's Skin Grafix and mostly New Addiction did my piercings. Have you ever cried while watching a movie trailer? No. Have you ever been pulled over, but just let off with a warning? Never been pulled. Have you ever taken shots? (of alcohol) Noooo, been offered to take part I think twice, but it's not something I think I ever want to do considering I loathe the taste of alcohol, hence why I only ever drink fruity things with tiny amounts of alcohol. Do you like mash-up songs? Occasionally, I guess? None even come to mind. Would you ever consider adopting a child with a severe mental illness? No, because I have a plethora of my own and don't want to put a child under the supervision of someone with conditions like mine; as well, I'm sorry, but I need to take care of myself. Took me damn long enough to get here, and I'm not going back to how horrible my life was before out of stress and having to handle a child with a severe mental illness. And oh, did I mention the main reason is because I don't in any capacity want kids? Have you ever pole danced before? No. Have you ever seen a live bat? Yeah. Do you listen to classical music? Not intentionally. Do you tell your parents who you like? Why or why not? No. I'll admit I like someone if they ask, but otherwise I just don't see it necessary to walk up to your guardian and just randomly inform them that you have a crush. Are you due for a haircut? Getting there, maybe almost two months from now. Are you dealing with any health-related problems right now? My OCD's been exceptionally bad lately. Do your parents like the music you listen to? Both like certain artists that I do - a lot, really. I do know I also like heavier stuff than them, though. Do your parents approve of your beliefs? Not all. Who’s the most annoying person in your neighborhood? Don't live in one. Name one of your psycho exes? None. I was honestly the psycho ex. I was very rightfully broken, but I shouldn't have done many things I did. Why were they a psycho ex? ^ I wouldn't leave him the hell alone and would pester him on Facebook too much even when I was ignored and, most regrettably, make just enough time to blame him for my ER visits before leaving until he finally blocked me. I sincerely don't blame him if he does consider me "the psycho ex." What’s the best revenge you ever got on someone? I don't care in the slightest about revenge to even think up a situation where I got any. I've never deliberately fished for it. What screen name did you use in 6th grade? FlowerOurQueen ew. What do you look forward to most in the next six weeks? ih crihmus What’s the last movie you saw? Halloween. Who was the last person to call you? This fucking car insurance agency that calls like every goddamn day. I've answered a couple times thinking that it could be VR and promptly hung up upon finding it wasn't. By now, I recognize the three digits after the area code to just ignore them. Who was the last person to leave you a voicemail? VR. Where is your least favorite place to be? Hospitals. Where is your favorite place to be? Sara's house. Do you think the sanctity of marriage is meant for only a man & woman? lol no, grow up, 0-19-y/o me denying your own sexuality in fear of a "loving" god sending you to Hell. :^) Would you like to learn to play the drums? Nah. Is there anybody you just wish would fall off the planet? Types of people. Name one thing you worry about running out of. Motivation to live, again. Do you post to say happy birthday on other people’s walls? Sometimes. Always with close friends. Have there ever been floods where you live? Oh yeah. Do you listen to K-Pop? No. When was the last time you saw a rainbow? Ummm idr, but not very long ago. Sunshower. What’s your favorite television commercial? I don't watch TV anymore, so I don't know any current ones. But it will probably /always/ be the sexy Mr. Clean one because memories fuck me up. Have you ever tried writing a song? Yes. For one of the Nintendogs tracks. I even moved their heads around to the tune of the song. kms What is your favorite type of juice? Peach/mango. Whose birthday did you last celebrate? My nephew's. When you were a kid, did you have a treehouse? No. We didn't have trees built for that, just very tall pine trees. What was the best school year in your opinion? 7th grade; ironically, the year my depression began to seriously manifest. Do you know (of) anyone who has committed suicide? Sadly. When was the last time you flew on a plane? This past October. Take me back. Do you eat meat every day? No. Who taught you how to ride a bike? Dad. Are you a fan of Lana Del Rey? No. How do you cook your rice? Steam, boil, other? I don't cook. Do you like your country’s president or prime minister? Nope. Some of his policies I side with, but his personality absolutely destroys him for me. Do you wear skirts? No. I absolutely hate my legs. What color is your house? Like this khaki sorta color. How many first cousins do you have? I have zero clue. I don't even think I've met some first ones. Off the very top of my head, I know there's at least... nine? Have you ever seen a pop star in concert? No. Do you listen to Christmas music during the holiday season? No, not a fan of most. It doesn't put me in the "Christmas spirit" anyway. Where would you like to vacation to? The Bahamas baby, Sweden, Japan... What time do you set your alarm to? I don't use mine. Nothing to use it for. Do you like ginger ale? No, unless my stomach is upset. What time does the sun set at the time of year where you live? Like 5, and I hate it. Have you ever been skiing? No. When was the last time you moved house? Feb. of last year. What did you last feel nervous about? How in god's name am I blanking here??????????? Over something incredibly trivial, I'm sure. Do you find yourself saying mean things to people over the internet that you wouldn’t say in real life? No. Who is the last person to text you? Sara. Does the person you like know it? HAHA she's got a pretty good idea. Who of the opposite sex has seen you at your worst? Jason or Girt. Girt came to the hospital after hearing about my OD, so my mental state was obviously shit, but Jason saw me in more obvious, externally-expressed emotional breakdowns. Did you have a nap today? Yes. I've been waking up much too early lately. What was the last movie you saw that you really liked? Really liked? Probs Jumanji. Do your best friends live near you? Ha, no. Do you have any stuffed animals saved from when you were a child? A LOT. When is the next time you are traveling outside of the state, province, or country? Where to? I'm sure sometime next year to Sara's. What are your living arrangements currently? Are you happy with them? I live with just my mom and pets. It's fine, though I wish I was emotionally prepared to move out. Hell, and obviously financially. Have you ever had feelings for someone your best friend was dating? N- oh yeah yes, in the Jenna situation. Though I don't truly recall what *kind* of feelings exactly I had. Is there anything written on the shirt you’re wearing? No, surprisingly. How was your first kiss? Super cute. Do you still talk to the person you shared it with? No. Are you the oldest of your siblings? No. Have you ever dated someone who had kids? No; that's a deal-breaker for me. I am not being a mother figure to any child, especially when it's not my own. Have you kissed someone 4 or more years older than you? No. Were your parents married when you were born? Yeah. Does the last person you kissed have tattoos? No. Do you live within 20 miles of where you were born? Yeah. What is your opinions on Valentine's Day? Cheesetastic, is it not? No no no no no I LOVE it!!!! I can't stand that "ugh every day you should appreciate love" shit 'cuz like, why not have a day specifically wrapped around it? Is it hurting anyone in any way shape or form?? What is the last thing you wrote? (typing is not writing, btw) My signature, probably? Do you have an outfit that you consider your "seduction outfit"? lul no. What is the last fruit you have eaten? Uhhh good question. I'm only just back on solids. What was the last injection you received? Was it sore? At the dentist when I had to get a cavity filled. They had to give me no less than 6-7 shots in the same spot to numb me properly, so yeah, it was sore. Have you ever been badly bitten by an animal? No. Favorite sandwich? I'll never turn down a ham, cheese, and mustard one. What characteristics do you despise? Arrogance, manipulative, lack of compassion, anger, two-faced, entirely insensitive, rudeness, raunchiness, the inability to accept one is sometimes wrong and that that's okay, BEING A DRAMA NEST HINT HINT, and I could go on... Where would you retire to? The mountains. What was your most memorable birthday? My 21st. Supposed to be your greatest celebration, yet I was in the mental hospital. It still means the goddamn world to me how my peers and employees tried to make it special. What did you want to be when you were little? First an archaeologist, then a vet. I think I only changed my mind upon realizing the original would've been extremely difficult. Have your parents ever forgotten your birthday? No. Would you rather have some bacon or beef jerky? Bacon. I'm actually not a big fan of the latter, it's too dry and tough. Did the Spanish classes have an “El Dia de Los Muertos” (Day of the Dead) fiesta at school? I don't know, I didn't take Spanish. What’s the most number of comments you have on a Facebook picture? What is the picture of? I have zero clue. Do you like coconut flavored things? nooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I really don't like coconuts. Have you ever met a famous author before? No. Do you know anybody who has been raped before? I don't believe so? I know many who've been violated or molested, but I don't believe I know a rape victim. How often do you get a fever? Like never. What makes you lose your appetite? Unappetizing scenes or smells and feeling/being sick. Are there any childhood habits you are grateful for or regret? I was taught good manners, for one. I wish chores had been more enforced upon all of us. At what age did you start to wear makeup? Did your mom object at first? I think 9th grade was when I "officially" started? It was freshman year and I had that "it's a new start and you're (this old) now, at least try to look pretty for once" mentality with how my self esteem was on the decline. I did it every day for a long time, until one day I didn't put on anything because I was tired of it and my art classmates (I was close to them) literally asked if I was okay lmao. From then on out, it was sporadic; eyeliner, shadow, and mascara some days, other days, nothing. But anyway no, Mom didn't have a problem. I think I recall her worrying about how it was all black, but she in no way objected. Would you consider yourself an adventurous person? This reeaally depends on the situation. I can't say which I lean more towards... maybe no? Have you ever snuggled with someone you weren’t dating? No. Have you ever been afraid of being underwater? No. Have you ever been drunk at work? No. What band/group have the most lyrics that represent you? I dunno. One thing you really want to learn? Digital art. What is your favorite piece of art you own? I don't own any other than my own work. The most expensive bill I paid last month was ____? N/A What’s the one thing you apologized for this month? @ the Silent Hill wiki, I wasn't understanding why a certain member was giving particular information that appeared irrelevant to me, but he got me to understand. I am extreeemely nit-picky over there, having been active there since '12, and now being a staff member, I'm even more specific. What is the largest TV screen in your house? We only have one, in the living room, but it's been the biggest. What has challenged your morals? Wondering if I was bi in middle school, frustration when I was trying to be abstinent in a serious relationship, pirating (which I still know is wrong asjfawouow), mutually being a flirt with my then-best friend's boyfriend, considering abortion at a much more open-minded angle, the justification of eating meat, my experience in life in relation to religion... Those are the ones that stand out. Who was the last female you hung out with? Mom. Have you ever taken a pregnancy test? No. Do you want to get married? Yes. Does the thought of moving out from home scare you? A bit. Would you rather live in a mansion or a small cozy home? The latter. I'm not paying for superfluous space and spending a gross amount of unnecessary time cleaning. Would you ever try being a vegetarian? I did, but stopped for a few reasons. Do you have any tattoos at the moment? Yeah and NOWHERE NEAR DONE. What about piercings? ^ Do you keep your eyebrows more thick or thin? Natural. What color is your bedroom door? White. Do your shoulder blades protrude? No, give them back to me. Have you ever been to a rave? No. How many bananas have you ever eaten in a row? Two? Do you think you’re the best thing that’s happened to someone? No. Can you make a clover shape with your tongue? No. Do you have a protective father? No. What’s the biggest misconception about you, personally? Uhhh probably that I don't try hard enough, specifically with work, adulthood, socializing, etc. when I'm sincerely doing my best. Are you disrespectful to a lot of people? No. Does your cell phone have a case on it? What color? No. What was the last song you had on repeat? "Family" by Mother Mother. Your most recent ex says he/she hates you, you say? That'd hurt like hell; he's like a bro to me and is the last close friend I have here. I don't know what I'd say. If someone you wanted before came back now, would you take them? Nope. Have you ever had to choose between two people? Sara and Girt. Jason and Juan. If you were to attend a costume party tonight, what or whom would you go as? Good question. What are your choice of toppings on a hamburger? And do you prefer gas or charcoal grilling? Cheese, mustard, ketcup, pickles, a little bit of minced onion. Idk which I prefer. Everyone hears discussions that they consider boring. What topic can put you to sleep quicker than any other? Economics. How many times did it take you to pass your drivers test? N/A What is your highest level of education? Some college. What kind of lunch box did you have as a kid? Idr. Would you rather be trapped in an elevator, or stuck in traffic? Traffic. I'm afraid of elevators. The last thing you remember dreaming about: Everyone I loved left me, so I tried to suffocate myself. Why do I only recall nightmares, ugh. The last place you went: The parlor to get a new bar for my tongue ring. The last alcoholic drink you consumed: A margarita. The last time you felt insulted/offended: I'm unsure. But I feel it was recently? The last time you kissed someone: October 17th weeps. The last time you held a baby: Months ago when Colleen needed me to hold Keegan. The last time you gave up on or quit something: Vegetarianism. The last video game you played: I finally got a new disc of Shadow of the Colossus!!!!! :'D I'm replaying it and doing both Time Attack modes to get Agro's white coat. The last television show you watched: Fullmetal Alchemist w/ Sara. Are you afraid of shots? No, I just anticipate it being unpleasant. How many times have you donated blood? Once. Would you date someone 15 years older than you? No. What’s the worst sickness you’ve ever had? An awful stomach virus. I wouldn't stop vomiting. What was the last classic novel you read? Did you enjoy it? I couldn't tell ya. Something in high school. Do you think Gatorade tastes refreshing or just gross? I hate it. What’s the scariest video game you’ve ever played? I personally think Outlast is overall the scariest game made thus far, but one I can't play because of the intense jumpscares is SCP Containment Breach. What about your life concerns you the most? Future financial position. If you were a different gender, what name would you want to have? Ummm Severin. What product or service do you find ridiculously overpriced? Certain clothing and makeup brands, like half the shit doesn't even look that great. How many people, outside of your immediate family, do you know the birthdays of by heart? At least six. Would you rather take a walk in the cold rain, or in the blistering heat? Definitely the former. If you had the chance to slip through a portal, despite being aware of any of effects and/or consequences, would you do it? No. Do you trust your gut instinct? I try to, but don't always. Which parent was more strict when you were growing up? Mom. What are some things that initially attract you to the preferred sex? CHARISMA, kindness, concern for others, a love of animals, and being a gamer oops. What is the saddest thing that has happened to you? What about the happiest? The breakup and eventual suicide attempt are definitely the saddest. The happiest, easily the last day of Holly Hill when everyone was telling me goodbye and I felt like I was ready to really live again. When was the last time someone scared you? Sara had me worried something was wrong involving me, but it wasn't. Name the strangest game you’ve ever played (video game or real game): Silent Hill 3 is so fucking weird but also one of the best horror games ever. Name something that you saw within the past week that made you smile: Probably Teddy being cute. Name something within the past week that made you frown: I don't think I have physically frowned this week. Name somebody you know who deserves a better life than they have: My mom. Name something that you hope is different by this time next year: My social anxiety has improved. Name something that you’re good at but don’t like: Um I have no clue. Name something that you’re bad at but DO like: Drawing anthro characters. Name something that you strongly believe in: Gay rights. Do you like pudding? Chocolate pudding. Do you tend to use a lot of big words? No, it's unnecessary. Just talk so people can understand you and not wonder what five words you said mean. Do you fall for guys/girls easily? NOPE. When someone copies you, are you more flattered or annoyed? Annoyed. Which is worse: Stale chips or flat soda? Stale chips. Flat soda doesn't bother me very much. What’s one show that you wish was still on the air? Deadman Wonderland. Have you ever used a port-a-potty? Omg yeah I know I have at sports practice or games as a kid. I absolutely never would again. What was the last stinky thing you smelled? Teddy's pee; he wet his diaper, and we know he has some kind of infection with how rancid it is sometimes, but we don't even bother anymore because it's recurring. What’s your favorite outdoor activity? Photographing nature.

#survey #quiz #questions #random #tw rape

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an-organized-confusion · 4 years ago

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Thinking about a conversation with co-conspirator on the iZ!Creativitwin’s childhoods (additionally amusing since I gave ‘em a late-October birthday/s), with a slight retcon/expansion to this post:

Him: you know it just occurred to me (and i can't get over it) how many times growing up Remus probably started horrible rumors about Roman as a quick and easy way to get the leeches away from him

Me: i feel like this would be more an early rather than later childhood... and one of the many things remus said was insinuating that roman was a zombie... one of their nannies thought having them watch dawn of the dead was a great idea

Him: OH GOD nannies found it hilarious for years to dress them as zombies for halloween only pictures his parents have are literally zombified children Remus & Roman: "we've always looked like this?" Their Parents: checking the photos they actually have "Oh yea..." Remus & Roman however 100% forgot that detail that was just their decided response to their parents just a bewildered "How the fuck did that just get accepted so nonchalantly?" look shared between them

Me: i'm also stuck on picturing how they dealt w/ horror movies as kids too

Him: remus sat up in front of the tv squealing in delight as people got savaged roman hid under blankets peeking periodically

Me: I do kinda wonder tho - if their parents in that reunion really fully appreciates the zombie situation... even a tiny bit

Him: "you mean that'll give us more stamina for work?" "and all it takes is a worker disappearing every few weeks? Seriously, that's a good tradeoff"

Me: i feel like sentiments like that would make roman internally go "and i WANTED these people's my approval... wtf"

Him: and here i am, ruining roman's familial ties one touching moment at a time

Me: perversely their callousness abt human life kinda makes me think remus would definitely not be one to judge on that one - but also he kinda wrote them off ages ago... who cares about their fucked up value system i just also picture roman also getting disturbed by the whole "who cares about systemic murder-cannibalism? SIGN ME UP."

Him: "Morals? Did you think we climbed the corporate ladder with those?!"

Me: i mean remus def indulges in and janus is party to a lil murder-cannibalism here and there - bUT THIS

Him: "honestly it doesn't even need to be one of our workers. we could target a rival company and headhunt from them for corporate secrets"

Me: now i just have image of them srsly considering asking to be turned... but neither of the twins would give them that... luxury. for different reasons

Him: Roman & Remus: "Remember all those christmas gifts we asked for?" Their Parents: What christmas gifts? Roman & Remus: "Exactly" pettiest fucking reasons

Me: i feel like the gamut is wide tho... in between the the petty shit, they get bombs like “you think we'd give you something like this after all the BS you put us through?” "do you honestly think you deserve it?" granted mostly no-sells on the parents to introspect but they'll probs get offended for getting denied (at least roman might feel some catharsis for saying that stuff)

Him: Remus: "Remember when i needed bail?"

#sanders sides #roman sanders #remus sanders #(more dunking on iZ!twins' shitty parents)#parental neglect/#body horror/#(because zombies)#(mod post)

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coffeeandcalligraphy · 7 years ago

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Doing the Write Thing #48 after 10 years and 3 seasons of criminal minds + Foster’s birthday

It’s been so long... Dudes...

Many things have happened. Sort of.

My last DtWT update had me outlining how I was super stoked to see Precious Kid in Pennsylvania, and that happened... It was honestly so amazing, and Justine, Chuck, and Kassie are the sweetest human beings in the entire world + they gave us their setlists and had a loooooooong conversation with @sarahkelsiwrites and I. Amazing live also.

I also went to Mexico with my family last week! It was an interesting experience, and I do miss it looking back. I’m really bad at long vacations in general, and there wasn't much to do on the resort in terms of activities daily, so I had a lot of time to myself. It was a nice week to kinda chill and detox from my normal mega busy life, but OH BOY did I miss writing...

Like I mentioned before, I had a LOT of free time on the resort, so @sarahkelsiwrites made it our business to binge watch 2 full seasons of Criminal Minds in that week... (Started season two on Monday, finished it today lol).

Here’s my relationship with Criminal Minds in a nutshell:

I’ve been watching this show for ages. I can’t even pinpoint when I first started watching it because it’s been so long. I’m going to say I was even as young as 8 or 9 when I started watching this show (can’t quite remember though). So to put it simply: I've been watching Criminal Minds for most of my life.

When I was in early elementary school, my sister and I would come home from school and watch the show with our two older brothers if they happened to be watching it (which was often cuz yo oldest brother watched this thing a lot), or we’d watch the marathons, and the list goes on and on.

When driving up to MusikFest in Pennsylvania to catch Precious Kid, my oldest brother pulled the show up on his phone, and oh my did Rachel remember the good times she used to have as a kid watching this show. I seriously think I forgot about my love for this show, since this was my first time watching it probably since the start of the year. This was the start to a huge problem... (the best problem you could ever have)

I’ve watched a TON of Criminal Minds episodes over the years, but since I watched them YEARS ago, I’ve forgotten about them. So @sarahkelsiwrites and I decided to watch the show again and...

How does this relate to writing at all?

Oh, my friends... I’ve been so inspired by this show, I’ve written 4500 words of just IDEAS over the past two weeks. These aren't even fleshed out scenes.

(Also if you have no idea what Criminal Minds is, it’s the best crime show you will ever watch. Fetus me loved this show. Present me understands why.)

In my last DtWT post, I talked about sort of being bored by my scene. It was something I really wanted to write, but the words were churning out slow and painfully. Because of this show, I’ve sort of combatted this. Not perfectly, I’m still having issues (which I’ll get into later), but this has become my favourite form of procrastination and I have zero regrets because I hardcore fancasted the FOSTERED cast to the Criminal Minds cast and every time I watch an episode it’s like OH HELLO.

If you’re a Criminal Minds fan and want to get to know my characters, these are basically them:

Hotchner = Lonan

Hotch and Lonan are the same people. I kid you not. If you don't know what Lonan’s like, just Hotch.

Morgan = Harrison

Dunno what else I can say about this one but ermagherd.

JJ = Reeve

also another ermagherd (ESPECIALLY SEASON 10)

Reid = Foster

cuz have u seen morgan + reid’s relationship

also when I was like 10, my mall had an advertisement with matthew gray gubler in it (who plays reid) and I highkey loved going into this store because of this. reid made child me really proud to be geeky af thank you reid.

Prentiss = Glenne

SO MUCH.

So yes. Thank you Criminal Minds. *bows down to Criminal Minds*

I think that’s all I had to say about Criminal Minds so in other news, guess who’s incredibly sick?

ME!

I caught a really bad cold on Monday (like right as I got home from Mexico, I get sick at home smh), and haven't shaken it yet. Which means I’ve been getting really bad fevers etc and yeah... Not fun. SO I’ve been resting (and probably still should be instead of writing this but I missed you guys, so hello) and watching Criminal Minds. And not writing. Except for about an hour ago.

This is the cause for my temporary block at the moment since it’s really hard for me to concentrate when sick especially with a scene I've struggled with previously. Today’s writing session was just the bare minimum of fleshing out an idea I got in Mexico. Onto the update, shall we?

Daily word count goal: 250

Words written: 686

Total word count: 122 078

Total page count: 221

Songs played: Planning vacation days for next summer in no music land at this point

Things to know: Wrote this with a sore throat (TM) with very little sleep because I had the worst sleep ever (TM)

How I felt: Better than bored as f so yayyy! THANK YOU HOTCH FOR REPLENISHING MY SALTY LONAN VIBES.

Bad haiku to describe writing session: Criminal Minds is / The best way to cure no vibes / Because now I vibe

is this not art.

Rating of writing session out of 10 and why: Like a 7, it wasn't very long, and I wasn't thinking all that deeply, lol.

On a scale from 1-10 my level of stoked-ness is: Also a 7

Lyrics to describe writing session: But it’s hard when I don't know what to do / I'm angry and I'm tired and confused / I've got so many thoughts stuck in my head / And none of them make much sense

--Forever Dumb, Surf Curse (Sad Boys EP)

Cannot even explain how me this is but also cannot explain my excitement for next week cuz ya girl sees these two dudes live next week.

GIF to describe writing session:

Saw this while scrolling down my Tumblr dashboard and saved it just for this update since this is actual footage of me writing tonight.

ALSO: HAPPY BIRTHDAY JULIAN CASABLANCAS. JULIAN CATSNBLANKETS. JULIAN CASABLACKPEPPERANDSALT.

oh my.

Excerpt:

“What if I’m lying about all of this, because it’s some sort of game in my head? Like my own real life chess match?”

someone needs to wait and tell this boy LIFE AIN’T CHESSSSSSSSS.

that was the only reason I shared that excerpt. good day.

should that sentence end with a period or a question mark now I'm doubting myself oh myyyy.

I also have news!

TODAY IS NOT ONLY JULIAN CASABLANCAS’ BIRTHDAY.

It’s also Foster’s birthday! WEE!

I mentioned in a writing update I *believe* that every single year since I’ve written the FOSTERED books, me and @sarahkelsiwrites go out of our way to celebrate dear Foster’s birthday. The only reason being the 23rd of August is usually a mundane day where I’m bored and have nothing to do, since Foster’s a bit of a geeky dudeface I don’t talk about much on here even though I always poke fun at him even tho he’s actually a great person but cinnamon rolls gotta attack cinnamon rolls cuz cinnamon roll I want a cinnamon roll.

So this year since I was sick, @sarahkelsiwrites made me the most AMAZING cake for the dude, and holy moly is it so good. I’m particular about my cakes, but this thing is so amazing. It’s also gorgeous.

So cuuuuuute. I’m amazed by how great this chocolate cake is honestly, it’s a new favourite recipe.

Since it’s his special day, I thought I’d do a quick questionnaire so you guys can get to know him a little better.

So this is Foster:

This is Foster’s lame aesthetic:

So now that we know all of this...

Nicknames and from who: Auggie (from Harrison), Prince Charming (from everyone in the entire world), Wary Sidekick (from Reeve hhhhhaaaaahhaa), The Other One (from Lonan mostly but also from everyone) and there are probably more I’m forgetting, this boy gets a lot of nicknames, especially from Harrison. OH real life nicknames (as in what people I actually know call him) Fosty from @sarahkelsiwrites, and Foss from @imdisappointed and I die lol

Favourite restaurant: Probably something fancy like Milestones HA canada

Favourite candy: Probably jelly beans or original skittles

Favourite type of cake: He’s lame and likes pie, but probably red velvet

Also how old is the dude now: 20 (ermagherd when he was only 16 children grow fast)

Favourite hobby: Probably doing something lame like reading science textbooks with at @imdisappointed

Favourite colour: Blue (as seen in aesthetic)

Favourite cereal: Frosted flakes

Favourite breakfast food in general: Dino eggs (boi)

If he had a job in real life, what would it be: Either the dude that works the counter at a vegan café (with lots of quinoa), or a #freelance photographer who focuses on #lifestyle photos + #nature photos

Favourite thing to do: Say the cheesiest of cheesiness to Reeve who is like oh ma lord the cheese

Does he like The Strokes or does he not like The Strokes: Boy is such a Whitney type of dude, but I don't think he’d have much of an opinion on The Strokes. Lonan would blast The Strokes in the car if they were driving together, and he would just be like ok.

The cheesiest thing he has ever said anyone around him probs exploded because of a cringe attack: You’re everything in the world maximized by a million. or You’re the sunshine that I see first thing in the morning, and the last thing I think of at night. or you know what just everything he says oh myyyyy gahhhhhhhhd

His actual aesthetic: Going on a long morning hike just to watch the sunrise + there is fog and evergreen trees

If he was a gum flavour name: Pretentious Mint

Trying to be a sly ass mofo in book one but no:

“You were awake that entire time!” I scream at him, smacking his head. He winces, but I don’t feel an ounce of guilt for my action. “You – I was so worried and I –” “And you need me and you love me...” He cuts me off, his stupid smirk still on his face. “I thought you were still unconscious you idiot!”

(I was 13 y’all shhhh)

Would he write books: Yes. One in the spinoff called My Best Friend Is Almost 30 And Doesn’t Leave Me Alone: A Memoir

What I (Rachel) wished for in his POV when I blew out his birthday candles today: Protect Reeve and live a healthy, prosperous life

The most pathetic thing he’s done: “Well, I thought, er, I, I brought this for you.” He says, holding a perfect red rose out to me.

well er I er well

If he were a donut flavour: Boston cream

If he were a beverage: Fiji water

the aesthetic

this is a bottle of water

Alright so that’s enough about Foster. Hopefully you learned something about him since I don't talk about him ever on here... He’s sincerely one of my favourite characters, even though I always make fun of him. It’s okay. Everyone does it. Especially Harrison.

Cool. Hope you enjoyed this update. See you later dudes.

--Rachel

#Writing #doingthewritething

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dekumidoriyall · 6 years ago

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I am a wreck man. I liked it better when I could go home and cry alone. But now "home" is ykws place and he sees me cry and I'm over it.

And if I just leave the place to cry he will also notice bc he pays too much attention which I'm not mad at I guess it's better than him not noticing anything at all which would probably make it worse. Like I know my brain would turn that into "wow he doesn't even notice when you're upset he doesn't care at all" which my ex never noticed and that was exactly the case sometimes. But then again if I actually wanted to fake it I could, but I try not to as much bc that only makes me feel worse. I'd rather not fake it, bc one that's more exhausting, and two, my brain would again try to convince me no one notices bc they don't care. And then I have to tell myself , like yeah no shit jazz you're great at faking it. So I try not to fake it with ykw, I just tone it down a bit and then will lie about it. Which is dumb and I'm glad he called me out on it. And I get he shouldn't have to drag it out of me but also I really do feel my own thoughts are sometimes irrational which is why I double layer my thoughts and have to think about them. And then it sucks when I know I'm being sad or upset for a dumb reason and then he wants to ask me about it and it's like I already know I'm dumb for even thinking this but I don't want him to know how dumb I think i am sometimes. At least how dumb my first thoughts can be sometimes. Bc like I said, I'll tell myself hey that's nonsensical. I am rational believe it or not, it's just the second layer which I thank God I'm self aware enough to at least acknowledge when my own thoughts or feelings are being dumb.

But I have been feeling distant lately and I'm sad about that at a surface level, bc I know my language is quality time and v close after that is physical touch. Like I think QT is 11 and PT is 8, and then it goes words of affirmation at 7 and then acts of service at 4 (which is weird bc I actually think this is how I show it most but I don't receive it the same) and then of course receiving gifts at 0 bc y'all know I don't care jack shit at all for things or gifts or stuff.

And it sucks bc I just live there. It's like we've said. We're just friends. So at not just the surface level but at the second level, I get even more upset with myself for being upset in the first place bc it's like c'mon jazz it doesn't matter, y'all don't owe each other anything. Y'all can talk to whomever. Y'all can do whatever tf y'all want. Y'all aren't together. It doesn't really matter. You know me, I'm no good in the middle or with uncertainty. Uncertainty is my Achilles heel.

But idk he hasn't been as cuddly lately, doesn't do the hand to waist thing almost at all anymore. We had sex (which I know is opposite of physically distant) but I dont even know where that came from but I craved the small stuff so much that I was like I'll take this if this is all I can get. I mean don't get me wrong I thoroughly enjoyed it (although some foreplay would've been extra nice) and would ten ten do again but Physical touch isn't necessarily sex. For me it's the cuddling and the hugs and the orbiting and the almost hand holding and when the hand holding does happen it's nice. So it's not necessarily I'll take what I can get more so that I've been feeling a detachment and it was nice to feel wanted I guess. And i think this is what I like to use the most which is why I'm always like running my hands in his hair and beard and probably annoy him with the lack of physical space. But lately I feel I have to initiate all that or have to refrain completely bc I don't want to annoy him or suffocate him and again we aren't together so I shouldn't even be concerned with any of that. But I actually drafted a post about the sex thing but I couldn't even finish it bc I still am actually surprised by it. Like I honestly would've thought it was a dream if it weren't for me being sore. Like it had been months and wow it felt so great. But I literally have no idea where it came from. Literally a day before the boy and I were talking about a sermon about that. And don't get me wrong, I'd probably do it again, but there isn't a container at all right now. We aren't even dating and I can't justify it. Like of course I care about him and I have, ya know, those extra feelings, but as far as I know with him, I'm just a candidate. The "only candidate" as he put it a week or so ago, but who knows.

Again it comes back down to insecurity and uncertainty. But I put myself in this position. I started thinking about maybe I shouldve moved in with Momo but tbh I'd feel even more isolated and uncertain there so I cut that out thank God bc the enemy was really trying hard with that one.

Idk I guess nothing is really wrong it's just me I guess questioning my role in other people's lives. And I pray that I stop, bc at the end of the day it's just me and god and that relationship that matters.

Yeah I think my alignment is off, like pastor Steven furtick said in his contentment commandments sermon, if you feel like you're in a hurry, you're alignment is off. So I just need to refocus on God. Nothing else matters and I know it's easier said than done or even trying to convince me, but it won't stop me from trying.

Idk, I wish I cared less. About everything and everyone. All caring has ever gotten me is getting hurt.

And I don't want to talk about this which is why I'm writing it out. And if he needs to then I will try my best to talk it out and I don't want to not write on here bc I know he reads it, and I also don't want to refrain any of my feelings either bc this is the only way I can get them out. And sometimes I can't talk and be open about them and this is the next best thing. But I do promise to try. I am trying to be more open with him. And I wrote that thing about not being vulnerable with him and i don't want to go backwards. It was one of my intentions going into this year and I'm not gonna let one night that was bad timing ruin that. And honestly being vulnerable and open and honest with someone is very unlike me bc I am always on guard with people even though it doesn't seem it if you actually know me unless you're AJ or Kel who have gotten to know me under the surface bc even my daddy issues™ are open forum and I don't mind talking about that. But there are under the surface vulnerable feelings I've had on that that only few people know. So while it seems that I am open, I actually am always playing defense. Observing people and knowing more than I let on and feeling more than I let on. Idk I don't know if AJ gets the fact that I keep stuff to myself not bc I necessarily don't trust him, but bc the more people know about you the more they can hurt you. And idk aj knows more than Kel at this point when it comes to things that could potentially be used against me. And that's fucking terrifying.

And then always at the back of my head is this is all temporary. At any point he could get tired of me and I'd have to uproot and move again.

And you know what I have been giving him a lot of backstory lately. In the last month or so, since we had that talk about me being open, and since the first open up during Xmas and even before then when we kinda talked when we hot boxed the closet, I've been more open these past few weeks than I have the entirely of our friendship. And I don't get much back. I don't pry ever. It's not like I don't notice things. I just let him be and if he wants to tell me things then he can. Idk maybe he shows he cares by doing the prying and getting me to talk to him and tbh that's a good call bc if he didn't then I probs would spiral into a whole he doesn't care headspace. So I'm not gonna complain. And I hope he doesn't think that I don't care or notice, I just don't mind that he plays defense. Bc I do that with everyone. Well it's not that I don't mind, it's just i understand. But I notice when he gets heavy, and he won't talk to me about it or open up to me until after and even then he just brushes over it.

I don't know I feel like this post is going in circles but the more I write the more stuff is just coming to the forefront and i actually feel better but im not entirely sure any of this is coherent and also i probably misspoke on some things. But I feel better.

Long story short, I'll keep opening up bc it's something I haven't done so maybe it will be the thing that will help. And it's scary and I can't promise him 100 percent but I can promise to try and give more. I just need him to understand that I keep stuff to myself out of defense.

I'm not upset at him for anything even all the distance I've been feeling, it's just I'm sensitive to any slight change in behaviour, just like he is. He thinks he's the only keen one, and I'll give him props he's good, slightly better than me, I just don't speak on it. It doesn't bother me that he doesnt tell me everything. But my mind does go crazy with assumptions when I do notice any changes.

I just want us both to be light again. I think we've both been a bit heavy. I think we're both stressed about things that have nothing to do with each other but does affect our friendship.

We just both are people who get in our own heads. But we deal with it differently, which is okay. This is all a journey, a learning curve. And honestly it wont get better unless we both communicate better. But when neither of us likes to feel vulnerable or show weakness, it's kinda difficult. Especially me. I'm not gonna speak for him. I have to actively be aware of it. Its only 8 days into the yesr so I don't think I'm necessarily failing at choosing joy or opening up, I think it's the fact that I'm doing that is such a radical shift that I'm kinda grinding the gears within myself. So it's just growing pains.

Sorry for the long ass post I just needed a big mind dump and to turn my thoughts around from where they were bc I actually feel like I kinda made some progress within myself.

Anyway the other night was great, both AJ meeting my family and ya know coming back home. So I fully intend to still post that draft I was writing (I really still am in disbelief) bc it was about both those things. Just maybe when I let it sit for a bit longer. Also I kinda still wanna keep it for myself for a bit. I have a lot of thoughts about it. Good and maybe some, not bad, but just tangents I guess. So soon.

#personal

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roses-and-oceans · 8 years ago

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So I'm kinda debating writing this out but I decided to anyway. On and off, I've been writing posts about how I'm feeling and then deleting them. Its become sorta cathartic but I just don't seem to do it that often anymore i keep things inside. I wish I can put things under cuts on mobile because gosh darn it I don't want you all to go through a wall of text and it not be a fic. I mean I know every one's going to ignore this and no one cares but hey, I'll give it a go before I fall asleep. Hopefully I feel better after writing this. EDIT:I feel miles better! Honestly I would have never gotten this off my chest if I did not write this. I feel... Undeserving. Undeserving of many things and people. It was an apparent issue, I realized, when I wanted to write fics. I thought I was selfish of me to indulge in something so pleasurable. Just reading fics made me happy but if I also wrote things, then I'd just muck it up and be hunted down like, "hOE DARE YOU. YOU ARE SO SELFISH.WHY" And its not that fic writing is a bad thing!! Its just I'm not allowed. Like everyone can have fun except me because I'm not worth it, I'm not allowed. Why? Goodness knows. I still feel like that sometimes. Like no one will read it, but then there'll be this witch hunt for me, asking for my severed head on a stick. And that's the case for most things. I try to make myself small, quiet. For the sake of not disturbing others, not getting in the way, not ruining things. So that way I don't have anyone hate me. And I guess that's why I'm the way I am. I don't want to be hated. I don't want to be disliked. I mean this modern age its not possible LOL but still I try my best. I make myself moldable and flexible for the sake of others. I try not to breathe around them as much so as to not disturb them. Also another reason why I am the way I am is because I was actually hated when I was younger. I know, "get over it" lmao, and in some cases I am. But being hated by so many people, kids and adults alike... And no one did anything to stop, to see me, to wonder why. Ehh. C'est la vie. I guess the "lessons" forced upon me had stayed. I was taught that I ruin everything, that I was useless, stupid, fat and ugly. And honestly back then I just shrugged and continued reading my books. But I guess I didn't block everything out haha! And so I've always thought I was insignificant. That I was merely here. I've never actually thought about my future, so Ive never gone to college, not really sure what to do career-wise. A lot of friends in high school were like, "yeah everyone had to do this thing for college we went to councilors and and now we're all set! :)" and I was like WAIT WHAT LOL WAS I ABSENT THAT DAY WAS I NOT PAYING ATTENTION WE HAVE THE SAME CLASSES BRUH But I guess I just thought I wasn't worth the extra effort so I really didn't pursue anything I didn't ask questions. Because I thought I wasn't worth it. Thinking about it, its really stupid. Like hello!!! I'm supposed to go out there and get what I want right?? But then I think why? And no answer comes because I don't see myself succeeding. I graduated high school, and right when I left, I had no idea what I wanted to do. I've never thought I'd live a long life. I just don't see it. Like what am I going to be doing??? Not much probs lol. I see myself as a background character, a stepping stone to another ledge. I don't see myself as particularly special. Kinda don't mind it. Like really I'm just here to enjoy food and music and video games until I can't anymore lol. I guess you can say I don't see myself. Also, another reason why I don't think of myself is because I feel I'll get too greedy. I don't want that I am so terrified. I do not want to be entitled and snobby. I'd rather go without so some one else can have things and it's just... Ahhhhhh. I don't want to be greedy. Its a really big fear of mine. I guess I don't talk to anyone about it is because its just so... Frequent. I already have one person who just is sick and tired of hearing it, bless his soul. He has a saint's patience and lord knows its been tested. But I see it getting shorter and shorter and I just revert to making myself seem better, like hi hello yes I am function ing quite well today. I don't think I'm worth the stress. And its not that im talking his ear off and stuff like I'm not like DROP EVERYTHING AND FOCUS ON ME I NEED U TO MAKE ME FEEL BETER. Because I don't think I am he says I don't talk enough. But its whenever I bring up the topic the convo gets shorter and shorter. He's lthe loveliest person he is amazing. He is such a good person!! Just I drive him mad sometimes lol. Im afraid of being manipulative. I don't want that either. I don't want to harm anyone like that but I'm afraid I am. I don't want people or things to cater to me. I think one of the thing that got to me more recently was my birthday. I know, lmao, bitch it was like two months ago get ooovr ittt. Its just. I'm grateful for the good times in between the bad, but it was the most miserable birthday of my life. Things were so chaotic, so heart wrenchingly sad, that I felt I wasn't going to be able to celebrate. Like I felt I was going to be erased. Friends were there, which was really good! Family... Not so much. I guess it comes with being the oldest. Haha I don't think I even had a cake or anything lmao. Honestly I don't care but I had loads of fun with my friends. But i guess its just the fact with everything going on, I was placed in the way way way back. Haha how selfish of me; things come up!!! And its okay!!! Just my birthdays have always been like that and if even the universe is like "nah is just a regular day" then it kinda just sticks to me that my bday isn't really worth it. I also feel like I'm doing everything wrong. Like even though I'm doing everything right, every single thing written down I'm following it to the T, but I'm still failing, still doing things wrong, still not getting any where while everyone is succeeding. And so I will be labeled as an idiot, stupid, useless and hated for it and banished, like I was so long ago. I feel like after reading this, people will actually hate me lol. Like people are like OMG U ARE SO STUPID WTF and just walk away. Like I'll be alone. And I guess?? If that were to happen?? Idk... I have a list of things to remember. Number one is "be kind too myself". HA. I wrote it so I won't feel like this haha, but oh well. Its not working so much anymore. I feel like I'm creating a sob story, like Boohoo bitch you think too much. Eh. Well its getting late and I should sleep. I'm so sorry if anyone has read this mess. Im not looking for pity or anything. Ijust wanted to get this out without disturbing anyone. Well I guess by posting I'll be disturbing... And I promise: I AM OKAY!!!!!!! SRSLY!!!!! if anything its just hormonal, I've been on my period for a few weeks now haha. But if any friends do stubble across this, I'm okay. Just sad and tired. I just need a nap and I'm good. Writnf this was really helpful and I was able to get what I wanted out and if I were to actually talk to someone,I'd probs stop myself and not talk about everything I just did. I wouldn't have gotten this weight lifted off me. If you stuck around haha thank you if not I hope you all have a lovely day. If I don't have a very good day, I hope yours is infinitely better!

#god please don't hate me #about me #hhhhh #I might delete later #idk maybe when I wake up #good night tumblr #not ffxv #I feel like I'm forgetting something but idk what #ahh I'm afraid to post this

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