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writingwithadinosaur · 5 years ago

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“Alibi” - Oneshot

My Masterlist - Here

My Tag List - Here

Malcolm Bright x Reader, Gil Arroyo x Daughter!Reader

Word Count: 2,000-ish

Key: Y/N = Your Name, H/C = Your Hair Color, E/C = Your Eye Color

Warnings: Mentions of murder, cursing. Large chunks of text in italics mean that it is a flashback.

Summary: After your boss is murdered, you are brought in as a suspect. In order to prove your innocence, you have to reveal a secret to your father.

Author’s Note: This was one of those ideas that hit me like a train right as I was about to go to bed, so I scribbled as much as I could down and tried to make sense of it the next day.

We’re also gonna pretend that Gil and Jessica aren’t a thing cause then that would make this story a bit awkward.

This is not beta read, so let me know if there are any mistakes!

If you would like to be tagged in any of my future pieces, check out my tag list above and let me know! And as always, feedback is greatly appreciated!

- DreaSaurusREX

~~~~~~~~~~~~

“So, (Y/N), got any news for me?” Your boss, Mr.Naruski asked from his desk chair, casually weaving a pen in between his fingers. It was lunchtime and you had gotten salads from the meditarrian place that he liked.

“Well, Simon wanted to move his meeting with you to Friday, but there would be no way to do that unless we add another 4 hours to the day. Oh! And Mrs.Krewnshe asked me if--”

“(Y/N), sweetheart! We are on our lunch break! Which means I don’t want any news with my clients unless it's urgent. I meant news in the world of the best secretary in New York!”

You couldn’t help but roll your eyes a little bit and smile. Mr.Naruski was a true blessing when it came to employers. He owned his own architecture business in New York and somehow wasn’t a complete asshat like some of your previous bosses. He and his wife were incredibly caring and truly understood that you had to be a human in order to work with other humans. The respect you got here was well worth the daily commute!

“Well, if you really want to know... My boyfriend set up a nice, and very last minute, date for us tonight.” You couldn’t hide the true smile that spread across your lips. Mr.Naruski leaned forward and raised an eyebrow.

“Oh? And where is this ‘nice’ date happening, if I might ask?”

“I’m not sure. He wouldn’t tell me. All he said was to be ready by 6 because we have reservations for 6:45. But I have a feeling it’s that new modern industrial place that I was telling you about. He knows I love to walk past it and appreciate the details. While I don’t think I’ve ever said out loud that I like it or would like to go inside, he has a great ability to read me.”

Your smile grew a little more as your eyes drifted slightly down, thinking about all the times your boyfriend picked up on the smaller details in the past. He was good with surprises. Mr.Naruski watched how this interaction brought out your best side. The two of you finished your lunches and got back to work.

Your boss had one more meeting this afternoon. It was with a company called Jetlan Inc. From the small bit of conversation you heard as Mr.Naruski escorted his guests out, it was a successful meeting. He turned back to you once the door was closed and let out a relieved sigh.

“I take it everything went well?”

“As well as I could. They are going to take tonight to mull it over and then give us a call tomorrow. So expect Samuel to call at some point.”

You wrote down a little reminder to yourself on a sticky note “May get call from Jetlan Inc.” and placed it near your desk’s phone. You went back to typing out the schedule for next week when Mr.Naruski tapped a finger on your desk.

“How about you leave early today, (Y/N)?”

“Are you sure, sir? I can stay and help with the final prep for tomorrow’s deal if you want. I should also probably finish this schedule.”

“I think I can handle that on my own. And you can add your final touches tomorrow. You,” He stood up and walked around your desk and held out his hands. You put your hands in his and he helped you up before grabbing your coat from the coat rack. “Have a date to get ready for.”

You couldn’t help but laugh. It was almost unbelievable to have a boss that really cared about your personal life as much as your professional one like he did. You just slipped on your coat and grabbed your purse, knowing that when Naruski made up his mind, it was set. He opened the door for you and put a hand on your arm.

“He told me to ‘love with my whole heart, but be smart enough to know when to use my brain instead.’ I think it was his way of saying ‘Be safe and have fun.’”

A small but sad smile worked its way onto your face at the thought of him being so supportive. You felt a wave of tears coming, so you finished up your story to try to stop them from falling.

“After that, I thanked him again, and I left to go back to my apartment and get ready. The next time I saw Mr.Naruski was the next morning, behind the crime scene tape blocking my office, dead.”

You couldn’t believe that just 24 hours ago, you were happily talking to your boss about your date. And now he was dead. Murdered in his own office, two hours after you had left. You were being questioned at the NYPD by none other than JT Tarmel, Dani Powell, Malcolm Bright, and your father, Gil Arroyo.

No one spoke, they were taking in all of the details of your alibi. It felt like forever before Malcolm broke the silence.

“Are there security cameras in your office?”

“Yes. There is one in the main office where my desk is positioned, one in Mr.Naruski’s office, and one in the hallway outside our door.”

“Great. We can check those. They’ll show (Y/N) leaving and should have a timestamp on them that we can check.

The team did their own little nods, still thinking about your alibi. They wanted to trust you, but they needed to think of every possible thing that could have happened, or if they could find any evidence to the real killer.

“Who did you go on a date with?” Dani was sitting about 6 feet to your right, a bottle of water in her hands as she leaned forward, elbows on the table.

“I don’t see how my dating life is relevant to my boss being murdered in his office.”

Lies. You knew why she was asking. It was a major part of your alibi and it’s the only other way that they could concretely cross you off of the suspect list. JT jumped in to try to diffuse the situation, none of them aware of how much you didn’t want to share.

“It's just another way that we can confirm your alibi, (Y/N).”

You could see Gil adjusting his stance as he leaned against the wall to your left. You couldn’t bring yourself to look at your father, already feeling his intense stare boring into you.

The room was silent, but the anxiety in your chest made it feel like the room was half of its real size. You kept your posture as straight as you could while you focused on your hands that were unconsciously fidgeting on top of the table.

“Tell us the kid’s name, (Y/N).”

“Why can’t you just check the cameras like Malcolm said? That’ll show when I left at around 4:30 yesterday afternoon and when I came back today for my shift but saw the tape instead! You could even check my apartment’s security cameras!”

“Woah! We will, (Y/N). We just want to be able to cover our asses and yours.” JT tried again to calm you down, everyone know seeing how uncomfortable the idea of sharing the details of your date made you.

Your leg started to shake under the table, that was your cue that your anxiety was getting bad. You lock eyes with Malcolm. He sees how much you’re struggling and just gives you a short nod. You knew what he was trying to say, but you really didn’t want to agree. Malcolm then took a deep breath, trying to get you to do the same. You looked down and tried to take a deep breath in.

“Why can’t you just answer the question, (Y/N)?!” Gil didn’t yell, but you could hear the annoyance in his voice. It was the final hit that broke the last of your defenses.

“Because it's Malcolm, alright?!”

Even you were a bit shocked at the slight frustration and exasperation in your voice. As everyone let that fact settle in their brains, you closed your eyes and took a couple deep breaths, trying to accept the fact that it was out in the open now. Malcolm made his way behind you and put a comforting hand on your shoulder, lightly rubbing this thumb to try and soothe you. You opened your eyes and stared at the center of the table, your hands now clasped together.

“Last night I left work early to go get ready for a date with Malcolm Bright. He took me to that nicer place off of 47th that has the grey brick exterior with the iron corner details. We went there to catch a break from our lives because it's been so hectic lately and we haven’t had much time to just sit and enjoy each other’s company.”

Our reservation was for 6:45 under Malcolm’s name. You can check with the manager there, go into their electronic reservation system, and see that we checked in and everything. Or Malcolm may have some sort of confirmation email. Now do I need to go into detail about what we ordered or what cocktail I was drinking, or am I good?”

You slowly looked up to meet your father’s eyes. You expected something upset in his eyes, but instead, they were very professional. He looked from you to Malcolm, who in turn nodded, confirming your story. Gil audibly inhaled through his nose and exhaled through his nose and he rubbed a hand down his face.

“No. You’re good, kid.”

You look back to your hands and close your eyes, focusing on your breathing. You weren’t hyperventilating, but you definitely felt a weight in your chest.

Dani and JT looked at each other, unaware of what to do in this situation. Malcolm looked from you back to Gil, his face slightly pleading. Gil quickly tilted his head towards the door, a small sigh of relief coming from Malcolm as he moved his hand to your arm and leaned down to quietly talk in your ear.

“C’mon, (Y/N). Let’s get some air or something to drink, okay?”

You nodded and stood up as Malcolm grabbed your coat from the rack near the door. You took yours and slung it over your arm as Malcolm opened the door for you. Before you could leave, Gil spoke up.

“I will be seeing the two of you in my office in an hour though. We need to have a chat.”

You just nod and leave already knowing what this “chat” is going to be about. Malcolm was reaching for his coat when Gil’s voice resonated again.

“Malcolm, take care of her. Go to that shop around the corner. They have those little pastries she likes. And make sure your both are back here soon. We’re not done with this.”

“Will do.” Malcolm nodded and quickly left and caught up with you, walking you safely out of the NYPD.

With that, there was still a semi-awkward air in the meeting room. Dani quietly fiddled with her water bottle and let out a “Well…”

“Heh! Yeah. That was somethi--”

Before JT could get further, Gil pointed at him and sternly said “Don’t.” JT just raises his hands in defense and backs off. Dani couldn’t help but smirk a bit at the sight of JT getting called out.

“So where do we go from here?” Dani calmly asked the room.

“We need to get the security footage from the office building and (Y/N)’s apartment complex. Get in contact with the restaurant owner and see if we can check their reservation system, if not, ask Malcolm if he has any email from their reservation.”

“On it.” JT confirmed as he left the room to head to his desk and start working. Gil leaned on the table, thinking for a moment. “What do we know about this Jetlan Inc.?

~~~~~~~~~~~~ Tags: @malindacath @shadowfoxey @whovianayesha @melconnor2007 @ashenfallsof @geeksareunique @all-by-myself98 @sj-thefan

#malcolm bright imagine #malcolm bright x reader #malcolm whitly fic #malcolm whitly x reader #malcolm bright fic #prodigal son fanfic #prodigal son fandom #gil arroyo imagine #gil arroyo x reader #Father!Gil Arroyo x reader #gil arroyo fic #Gil Arroyo Fanfic #gil arroyo x daughtet!reader

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deltastorm101 · 4 years ago

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So, I tried to calculate Control...

... and its Epic Games deal, with the help of my certified smooth brain™ and probably incorrect sources. I started this last night hella tired and with a headache, I have finished it up today hella tired and with a headache, and this is what I produced: bullshit! :D But hey, at least double checked bullshit that’s open for discussion and contribution and expansion. Also, I probably won’t list the sources because a) I’m lazy and b) I didn’t have to dig thaaat deep down to find all this so if you really wanna know you could probably hit google with it as well. Anyhow here we go lol So, the initial thought which got all of this rolling was the 2020-wrap-up-post Remedy linked on their twitter, and Epic’s linked publishing announcement in it: studios Remedy, Playdead and GenDesign will release their next next-gen games with Epic. Now, we all know Remedy are working on some sort of Alan Wake-ish thing as we speak (right? right?? god I hope so), which meanssss our boy will most likely be an Epic exclusive. Which makes me kinda sad because, well. I’m deep in Steam’s ass. Hell, I waited for Control for a full year before I played it because they can pry the Steam version from my cold dead hands. So I asked myself... was it worth it for them? How much money did they throw at Remedy (and 505 Games) to have them play along? Would they have reached more people from the get-go if they had released it on Steam right away? Did the individual programmer, designer, writer, artist, person behind it profit from this at all? (Also, like, about the rights and copyright thing,,,,, you’d think they could have learned from Alan Wake and its IP belonging to Microsoft and so not really being able to do anything more with it because they don’t ‘own’ it and shit) buuut anyway that’s not the point of this post, now it’s time to do some MATH BABEY

Ok, let’s start with some things we know. Facts. Figures. Data. Turns out my initial question, how much money was involved, could be answered by doing one (1) google search: according to Wikipedia, Epic gave Remedy and 505 Games €9.49mio. The total budget for the game was €26.9mio over the course of 3 years of development. We know that as of December 2020, over 2mio copies of the game were sold, with November 2020 being the best-selling month ever since its initial release in August 2019. This is where question 1) comes into play: how many of those 2 million copies were sold in 2019 and how many in 2020? Stay tuned, I think I found out.

We know that Remedy gets to keep 45% of the revenue, which, I assumed, means that 505 keeps the remaining 55% (probably a lot more going on there but shhh). We know that Control’s sales cooked up €17.84mio in 2019 (so months September – December), €17.7mio of those in the first month alone (O.O). Side note: because it came out at the very end of August, I’ll ignore that month and declare September the first sales month.

We know that 60% of sales in 2019 were digital ones (aka Epic Store, mostly), 40% physical ones (consoles PS4 and XB1), while in 2020, only 10% of sales were physical and a whopping 90% digital; which is people on Epic who wanted to get their hands on the first DLC and – you guessed it – the Steam release of the Ultimate Edition in August 2020.

Which begs question 2): what’s bigger, 60% of 2019 sales because ‘ooh shiny new game’, or 90% of 2020 sales because ‘yay steam release’? The answer may look obvious, but you have to take into account the dropping price, which I also researched for your pleasure and enjoyment.

For this I used a German website called idealo.de, which focuses on looking for the best deals for basically anything you can buy on the internet, and it also gives you diagrams that describe at which point in time the product was at which exact price. This is what it gave me: - release price: €60 - December 2019: €41 (PS4)/€44 (XB1) - mid-2020: €30 - Ultimate Edition release: €30 - December 2020: €14 (PS4)/€18 (XB1)/€30 (Ultimate Editions) At this point I was like “lol hold on i need chocolate for this cuz i’ll be here for some time *sweating*”

To continue this mess™, I see more questions: 3) How many employees does Remedy have, which positions do they work in and what are their salaries? 4) How many employees does 505 have, which positions and salaries do they have? 5) What’s the total revenue that Control has generated so far?

And also some more stuff like, are my numbers accurate, am I even grasping these concepts correctly, are there even more people involved or am I just trying to explain complete crap (yes) but let’s just ignore all of that shall we. At that point I went “oh shit what have i gotten myself into, this screen does not get my point across, i need pen and paper” and you know shit is gonna go DOWN when I do math on paper.

My paper math birthed the following calculation:

Following this up, we can calculate the end-of-2019 sales, if we set the price for September and October to €60, for November and December to approx. €45:

Now, you might notice that one of those numbers is big and the other is HUGE. Why might that be? Well...

- Covid19: everyone stayed at home and needed video games to play - More sale months of the year, naturally - dropping price: why get it for €60 when you can get it for 20 - Ultimate Edition: why buy it in June when you get more content in August aaaand... - it comes out on Steam.

With this in mind, let’s see what questions we can answer: 1) 661,110 copies in 2019; 1,338,889 copies in 2020 2) 60% digital sales in 2019 means 396,666 Epic copies; 90% digital sales in 2020 means 1,205,000 copies – most of it from Steam? Some of it? A good chunk? The bigger chunk? There’s no way of really knowing for sure but... you could read this into it. I definitely am. 3) Google told me Remedy had a little over 250 employees at the end of 2019... 4) ... and 505 has less than 100. I found no good sources for this, I think linkedin said 37, someone else said 50. I’ll just use the 50 figure, idk. No idea man. and for 5) I’ll contradict my point that the Steam release is what knocked the sales out of the park and assume that the number of sold copies stayed the same across all 12 months of 2020, which gives us this:

Ok and now we’re getting into the most dangerous of danger zones because I have no idea how companies or capitalism work, so for educated people™, the remaining calculations might read like a toddler wrote them; I apologize profusely and hereby present last night’s brain vomit:

As stated earlier, development took 3 years, but everyone wanted to get paid in 2020 as well so let’s use 4 years to find out the salaries, which is 48 months. Let’s assume the utopian idea that every employee on the line here gets the exact same amount of money (LOL ikr but shhhh, let’s live out our dirtiest equality fantasies for a second ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)). Which would mean...

And now without the Epic Deal™:

Quod erat demonstrandum. Remedy has been selling their souls to Epic for €350 a month since 2017. (I don’t mean this as maliciously as I’m making it sound, don’t worry xD)

OKAY SO, O B V I O U S L Y, I have not the slightest idea what on earth I’m talking about so read this like you’d read a good fanfiction. We don’t know the different salaries across the different positions (and genders HAH), we don’t know if other parties were involved, I’ve completely ignored the sum that Epic themselves get, I have ignored taxes, I don’t know if my numbers are accurate (they’re definitely not I mean 505 must have more employees than 50), if I made mistakes (yes), and also somewhere along the way I forgot to use the €26.9mio budget figure because, uuh, I have no idea where to use it, what it means, where did it come from, where did it go, cotton eye joe - but oh well, I’m not starting over, take it or leave it.

So... I can now officially say I have written hot steamy economics fic xD Man I put waaay too much time into this but damn was it fun. Good three-hour-deep-dive (two of them spent munching on chocolate half-asleep listening to psytrance to keep my brain twitchy). Real-life-theorizing. Fuck capitalism. Don’t do drugs. Pet a cat. Wear your mask. Call your grandparents.

If there’s typos in this I’m sorry but also I’m not, I can’t be bothered to proofread again lol. Goodnight imma catch up on the sleep I lost. Gotta love full moons

#this is the first post in ages in which i used punctuation and capitalization are you proud of me xD #dw it won’t stay like this #control #control remedy #alan wake #ok now go yell at me how stupidly wrong and dumb this is i’m ready #do you think my old math teacher would be proud #i think so #my economics teacher... not so much

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lightscamerabitchsmileee · 5 years ago

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Happy Birthday Taylor ❤️❤️

I know I’m a little late writing this but @taylorswift I literally can’t believe that you’re 30 now I feel like it was only yesterday when I listened to Tim McGraw on CMT and instantly loved it from the first listen at that time you were 16 and I was 13 and like with many as a fan I got to watch you grow from country girl-next-door to the legendary pop queen that you are today your music has been an important part of my teen years and still important to this day as an adult every album that you’ve made has helped me at a certain point in my life including your latest album Lover ❤️❤️.

Your first two albums your self titled debut and Fearless were a huge part of my junior high to high school years I remember in high school when songs like Our Song, I’m Only Me When I’m With You & You Belong With Me was truly my jams and there was sort of a reliability to it 😊😊 The Best Day was definitely one of my favorites at that time because it reminded me of my mom and my family in general & Jump Than Fall, The Outside, Picture To Burn & Fearless were some other faves that I enjoyed around that time too (although I love every song on both albums 😊😊)

I think the moment where I knew that I truly became a full on Swiftie was when you released Speak Now your self-written masterpiece that’s not only my favorite album of yours but also the most relatable to my life it came out at the perfect time in my last year of high school when during that album cycle I graduated, went to university and also gotten into my first serious relationship and had my first breakup songs like Sparks Fly, Ours, Enchanted & Mine represented the relationship aspect part of my life while songs like Last Kiss & Haunted represented the early part of my breakup (Red took care of the rest haha), Never Grow Up is probably one of my favorites on a personal level it really struck a cord with me when I first moved away from home to go to university I remember my first night in Rez and I listened to that song and nearly cried because I was homesick and this song really got me through it and then there’s Long Live the song you wrote for the us fans and I just couldn’t get over how amazing that song is and it still holds up to this day especially now where it really is “the end of a decade and start of an age” haha but this album is what truly made me a Swiftie 4 life ❤️❤️

Red came after that and by this time I was going through my first breakup and if any album really got through it was this one (along with your other albums at that time haha) songs like I Almost Do, Come Back Be Here, Treacherous, Sad Beautiful Tragic and especially the best song you ever written All Too Well these songs definitely tugged at my heartstrings because those songs really related to what I was going through at the time it was therapy for me and songs like 22, Holy Ground, State Of Grace, Red, Starlight & Everything Has Changed definitely helped with the healing and making me smile and dancing and singing it all away (22 was even a better song when I actually turned 22 and jammed to that song the whole year I was 22 haha) and Begin Again is literally the perfect closer because it represented what was to come and it was the song I needed to move on. This was the album where you experimented with pop and I literally loved that you took that step and I loved seeing you evolve as an artist and that love grew even more when you released 1989.

1989 was your big bold crossover into pop and while I did love your country-side I was all for your pop pivot and when I hear Shake It Off I was literally dancing and singing to “this sick beat” and it was on repeat every since and still is to this day my go to get up and dance song every time. At this time you started trying to connect with your fans a bit more and this was when you joined Tumblr and being the super fan that I am like everyone I was pretty excited because I was on Tumblr (had it for 2 years at the time) and I was trying so hard to get you to notice me and one day on October 18th I was casually blogging and trying to get noticed by you and all of a sudden you followed me out of the blue and I was so incredibly happy I was jumping up and down and blasting your music at 2 am in my dorm room in Rez (I was lucky I didn’t wake anyone up haha 😂😂) so in awe that someone as famous as you would follow my little blog and I can’t thank you enough for following me and liking and reblogging my posts all these years so thank you from the bottom of my heart for that 😊😊

Anyways when 1989 came out it was amazing I remember taking two buses to Target to buy the album the day of the release and I remember coming back to my dorm room and just listening to the album over and over ❤️❤️. At this time I was in a second relationship but it was short lived and I was still in university at the time but I ended up failing later (by only half a point) and I had to come back home and get a job to try and go back and I remember being very upset I did a lot of soul searching and finding myself at this point and this album got me through those times and you & 1989 really taught me how to truly love myself and that I don’t need a relationship to make me happy and I stayed single for almost 4 years. Every song was just magical and fun like Wonderland, New Romantics, I Wish You Would and especially Style one of my all time favorites and slower songs like This Love, You Are In Love, Out Of The Woods and Wildest Dreams really tugged at the heartstrings a bit.

My favorite moment during this time was when I did an album review for 1989 as a Communications Studies project for my university newspaper The Muse and I remember taking a picture of the article when it got published and posted it on Tumblr and trying to get you to notice it and anyways a few days later you liked my review and I was literally so happy and was jumping up and down and couldn’t believe that the biggest pop star on the planet loved my review I never forgot it even to this day literally the best day of my life (until I meet you someday that is haha) so thank you for liking it and hopefully I can get your thoughts on it someday 😊😊.

Reputation came next and by 2017 I was back in the big city, I have a best friend and later found the love of my life Kim today ❤️❤️ Repuation while not the most relatable to my life was such an interesting and fascinating listen start to finish it was Taylor like we never seen her before and I really liked the badass side of you Taylor haha calling out the haters and the press doing things on your own terms and taking an emoji like a snake and turning it into a symbol of empowerment and I just loved that 😊. Look What You Made Do was such a jam through and through and Ready For it was the perfect starter ❤️❤️. The album was amazing Getaway Car is all time favorite on the album with its hint of 1989-ish synth pop throwbacks, Delicate was my favorite single because it was such a lighthearted pop song to bop to, End Game was truly amazing and probably the most relatable to me was the last two songs Call It What You Want and New Years Day where it definitely to when I met my Fiancé early last year ❤️❤️

And finally we get to Lover an album that I can honestly say is your best since Speak Now and truly another relatable album that reflects my life with my fiancé ❤️❤️ the title track is our song actually as it totally relates to our relationship and we are planning on making this the song that we are gonna dance to when we have our wedding ❤️❤️ and other songs like The Archer, Paper Rings & Daylight all reflect my relationship with Kim in some way and that make me truly happy ❤️❤️ and my favorite out of all them is Cruel Summer it’s such a jam and probably one of your best Taylor honestly 😊😊 and other songs like The Man & Soon You’ll Get Better are just amazing 😊😊. It goes to show that even to this day Taylor you still make such a huge impact on my life and I don’t know what I’d do or where I’d be if you and your music wasn’t there and for that I thank you so much for being a major part of my life ❤️❤️

So to conclude Taylor I truly grew up with your music and it was amazing to watch you grow as an artist and grow as a person you’re a fighter, you’re an independent strong woman, you’ve overcome many obstacles, You’re kind, generous, hilarious, you care about your fans and go above and beyond for us every day whether it’s 13 hour meet and greets or the secret sessions or Swiftmas or inviting one of your fans into your house or paying a fan’s student loans you’ve always took the extra mile and that’s one of many reasons why I love you and why you’re my favorite artist of all time you’re also very vocal about many issues that are near and dear to your heart like LGBT rights, voting rights and (especially recently when it comes to trying to regain ownership of your music) artists and other musical acts rights in the industry. You’re an inspiration to many thank you for being that voice.

I’m so happy that you and your music exist and thank you for being such an important of my life musically you’ve always been my role model and you and your music inspire me every single day. Happy ThirTAYth Birthday Taylor I hope you had the best day 😊😊 thank you and I love you and I hope someday we get to meet 😊😊

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cassiefanfic · 6 years ago

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Stay With Me Part Two: Found

Part: 2 of 4

Fandom: Marvel/ Avengers

Character/Ship: Loki x Reader, Steve Rogers x Reader, Mr. and Mrs. Bradley (Original Characters), Tony Stark, Bruce Banner, Thor, Natasha Romanoff, Clint Barton

Warning: Fluff, Angst, Pregnancy, mentions of violence

Writer: Cassie

Words: 3954

Requested by: Anon on @thefandomimagine

Summary: After a couple of months of being in New York and living with the Bradleys, coming to terms with being powerless and a single mother-to-be, Y/N is slowly learning to adapt to Midgardian life. While working one day, Steve Rogers comes to her checkout counter, with his pearly white smile and a whole new world for Y/N to learn.

[Based off of:] http://thefandomimagine.tumblr.com/post/99044716364/submitted-by-anonymous

Author’s Note: This takes place a month after the Battle of New York.

This was beta’ed by @kittenofdoomage who is amazing and I adore her so much. Go check her out!!!

Series Masterlist

Y/N’s POV

I was not Y/N of Asgard anymore. I was Y/N Bradley of New York State. After two months, we got me new clothes, a doctor to help with my child and a job at a library in New York City. As well as a thing called a car and a piece of plastic called a drivers license. It was a different culture completely. So primitive, so loud, so bright and flashy. I adapted to their technology, getting an iPhone 5 and a laptop, both by a company called Apple.

I learned much of their culture, reading their books, wearing their clothes, watching the moving pictures they called movies or television. Because of my job, I had access to much of their history, a lot about the great battles fought, destruction brought among people mindlessly fighting over similar causes. I learned of the losses and that which we have gained. It was all so… primitive yet fascinating.

Another day I awoke, got dressed in the handmade clothes Mrs. Bradley made for me and went down for breakfast. At my spot was a bowl of blueberry banana oatmeal and a glass of milk. Strange enough, the oatmeal was one of the few things the baby enjoyed and didn’t make me throw back up.

“How do grilled cheese and tomato soup sound Y/N?” Mr. Bradley asked as he tore up his toast into easier bites.

“That would be lovely for lunch! That jelly substance as well please?”

“Jello? I’m glad you like that.” Mrs. Bradley replied gleefully. “I’ll drop it off around 11:30 okay?”

“Yes. But not downtown. We finally have the old location open again.” I reminded before taking another bite of oatmeal.

About a month ago, my fellow librarians and patrons found ourselves trapped inside the library as someone and an army of Chitauri destroyed New York City. After a couple of hours, we were finally rescued by two men, who were called Iron Man and Captain America. I told little to the emergency responders, allowing them to give me an emergency ultrasound to check on my baby, immediately taking the opportunity to see the life growing in me on a tiny black and white screen.

It was small, while I was still only a couple months along. This must’ve been the happiest I was. Having that little grape-sized image in front of me completed me, settled my fear. I couldn’t think about Loki or the Chitauri attack. I could only think of the baby.

I finished eating before getting my bag and hurrying out to my car, giving quick hugs on my way out. Settling in and buckling up, the radio gave me more insight into the New York City recovery, construction, hospitalized patients being let out after their care was completed. I quickly interrupted the monotone voices with the Top 20 popular songs that these Midguardians seemed to enjoy. That’s one thing I never seemed to quite grasp. The music of this planet. Each song on Asgard had its specific purpose, but here, they all had hidden meanings. They were about love but about being alone. They were about anger but also about lust. It was a concept that confused me every day. But it was one out of the three stations I could get on the car radio, so I made do.

The grape had grown to the size of a lime, and the lime kept making me puke and take naps in the back of the check out counter. I somehow distracted myself with the small plastic bag of saltine crackers I hid in my large sweater pocket, the absurdly large water bottle with the label Nalgene I had decorated with a few little things called stickers by my side and the book I kept close, reading it whenever I wasn’t checking out books to various patrons. It was called The Great Gatsby, and it was one of the simpler books I had read from this realm. I was slowly making my way through the whole library through not only Mr. and Mrs. Bradley’s recommendations but from the other librarians, learning the proper phrasing of words on Earth, along with learning the social behaviors of the past and present.

As I read, the world around me escaped, and I focused intensely on the glitz and glamor of the 1920s. I remembered watching a documentary on the 1920s, so I could somewhat visualize it, which was taking up at least half my brain where the words weren't flowing.

"That's a good book." A voice spoke, pulling me from my trance and my focus to the gentleman standing at the counter with four books in his hand. His kind smile radiated with his bright blue eyes. His hair was like honey, glistening in the light from the window. After I stood to help him, I noticed how tall he was as well.

"Excuse me?"

"That book. It's a really good book, didn't care for the films though." He repeated, a soft smile across his face as I bookmarked my page and set the book aside.

"I just started it today. It's going by quite fast," I responded, smiling lightly as he handed me his library card and the small stack of books. I scanned the card and began to check out books for him as he nodded.

"I must've read it 20 times. When you're done with that you should read the Wizard of Oz or maybe ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’." I nodded quickly, pulling out my small notebook and opening it to the book section, where there were many recommendations scribbled down.

"I already read Wizard of Oz but that other one I'll get to next," I whispered as I scribbled it down.

"Looks like you have quite a few people who want you to read things."

"Yeah. Yeah, I am just catching up. It's been a while since I've been able to sit down and read."

He smiled and touched his book stack. "Yeah, I'm in that same spot. Maybe we'll have to swap recommendations. Like over coffee or something?"

I know this line, or a line similar to this. He was courting me, or as the Midguardians called it, asking me out.

"You barely know me. You don't know my name-"

"Y/N. I've seen you around here and you uh- you have a name tag. Look, I don’t mean any harm. You seem like a nice girl."

"Well then..." I looked at the screen, reading his name before looking up at him, "Steve Rogers. When were you planning this coffee-or-something date?"

"Well, my friend knows this great restaurant a block or two down. Maybe we can go there tonight, or tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow would be nice. What time?" I questioned, pulling out a small piece of paper.

"How about 7? Where should I pick you up?"

"I live about 40 minutes out of Manhattan, near New Rochelle. So maybe I should meet you here-"

"It would be a pleasure to come to pick you up. I don't mind at all." He affirmed. I smiled lightly and look down.

"It's just- I live with my parents-"

"And it would be an honor to meet them. Give me your address and I'll pick you up tomorrow at 7. Alright?" He reassured, leaning forward on the counter a bit.

I blushed and quickly wrote down the farm address on a piece of paper for him, along with my phone number and my name. Handing him his receipt and the books, along with the paper, I smiled lightly and questioned, "What kind of this restaurant is this exactly?"

"Fancy-ish. Just wear a dress and bring that beautiful smile okay?" He answered, putting his books in his reusable bag and pocketing the pieces of paper in his jacket pocket. "I'll see you tomorrow night." He smiled lightly and walked out, leaving me with a smile of joy across my face.

The next day, Janice convinced my boss to let me off work three hours early as she covered my shift, joy radiating to her bones that I was finally getting my head out of the books and finding my true ways around New York.

“How long until you will tell him?” She inquired as we checked in books, making sure they weren’t damaged before putting them on the reshelving cart.

“I don’t know. I’m just beginning to show a bit but I don’t know. When should I tell him?”

“After a couple of dates. You don’t want to overwhelm him. If you feel like you can trust him, go ahead. It’s up to you.” She explained, grabbing the last book from my hand with a smile. “Now you go ahead and get ready for tonight. I don’t want you to get caught up in rush hour traffic honey.” She hugged me tightly before handing me my bag, water bottle and a copy of To Kill A Mockingbird before sending me on my way to the parking garage.

I was so excited, my hands trembling in joy as I drove home, and for the first time, I found myself singing along to the music on the radio, not minding if I was off key. After I made my way into the farmhouse, I took a nice hot shower, making sure to use the nicest smelling soap I had, and that my hair was extra clean. Before I even had the chance to grab the yellow dress I had been thinking of all day, Mrs. Bradley came into my room and gave me a light blue wrap dress.

“This is amazing. Did you-”

“I got to work on it the second you finished dinner yesterday. I already had a pattern I was going to use and you made it easy when I was wondering which color to make it. Light blue, like the sky, just like his eyes are supposed to be.” She laid it on the bed before helping me get my necklace on. The necklace I still wore to remind me of Loki, that I am bearing his child, and that I will never see him again.

I smiled sadly and dried my hair before getting into the dress. After brushing my hair and putting on some light makeup, I got on some ballet flats and got a small clutch, making sure my medication for the evening, my phone, and I.D. were inside as a heavy knock sounded from downstairs. I gasped and hurried down,

“You look cold, here,” Steve said as he took off his jacket. It took me a second to realize that in my excitement earlier, I forgot to grab a coat. Steve carefully helped me slip my arms in, wrapping it close to my trembling body with a soft smile. “There you go.”

“Thank you, Steve. Thank you.” I whispered as I held the edges. After dinner, he had offered to walk with me to the ice cream shop for dessert, which I immediately agreed to. I hadn’t ever seen New York at night like this. The only time I did was after the library was destroyed and I was waiting with emergency services until the Bradley’s came to get me.

Steve smiled kindly and nodded, leading me down the sidewalk. I was so caught up in the lights that I didn’t mind his arm around my waist, making sure I was alright. After three blocks I looked over at him and smiled.

“It’s nice isn’t it?” He asked, his face showing his amusement with his wide smile and focused eyes.

“I haven’t been out this late since-” I gulped and looked down. “Since the attack. This is my second time out this late.” My hand shook as I grabbed a bench and sat down. Steve joined me and smiled softly as he listened. “It was about 20 of us trapped in the library. We didn’t want to go outside because we were afraid of what would happen if we did. These two men, everyone called them Iron Man and Captain America, they saved us. They were part of the people called the Avengers. They stopped the attack…. And got us out of there.” I looked up at Steve. “The recovery team took care of me until my parents came and got me. I had to get a new car… mine was destroyed in the attack. I just… I wish I could’ve thanked them.” I looked back down before saying, “I’m not hungry for ice cream anymore.”

Steve nodded. “Okay. Let’s go to the car and I can drive you home.” He got up and held out his hand, which I gently took as I stood. I kept his hand in mine as we walked to the parking garage where he parked. As we got to the car and Steve dug through his pockets for the keys, we heard a click, one that I only heard in films. Steve and I turned around to find three guns pointed at us, two at him, one at me. I’ve seen this in movies, like in Superman from 1978 or in that movie Clueless. I immediately clutched Steve’s arm, the fear of my mortality and lack of Asgardian powers making my hands tremble.

“Give us your wallets. Now.” One of the men who had his gun pointed at Steve demanded.

“I-I don’t have one-”

“Shut it you dumb slut! Both of you! Wallets!” The one pointing his gun at me yelled, causing me to grip onto Steve’s arm tightly. I looked up at Steve to find him standing there with a very displeased look across his face.

“Son, I advise you apologize to her.”

“Steve just give them your wallet okay?” I whispered. He shook his head and stood in front of me.

“What tough guy? You trying to be scary and tough in front of the slut huh?” The other mugger asked as he clicked a bullet into place. I tried to reach for Steve to stop him, but the one that had his gun at me aimed it for my head, causing me to freeze and stare.

“I said to apologize to her. Now.” Steve demanded as his fists clenched.

“The slut doesn’t need an apology-” Steve quickly swung his fist, knocking out the man who had his gun at me immediately.

One of the others grabbed Steve and punched him as the other one grabbed me and pressed me against the car, keeping the gun pointed at my chin as he grabbed Steve’s jacket, trying to feel through his pockets for the wallet. He finally grabbed it, laughing as he threw me to the ground.

I tried to catch myself, but I felt the impact on my head, causing me to wince in pain and grip my head tightly. I slowly looked up to Steve fighting the one that just had the gun pointed at me. I looked to see the other two unconscious on the ground as Steve grabbed the man and punched him hard, knocking him out. He retrieved his wallet and hurried to my side, checking my head as I looked up at him with blurred vision.

“S-Steve- What has gotten into you?” I shakily asked as he pocketed my phone and his wallet. He sighed and picked me up, setting me in the passenger seat of the car carefully and buckling me up.

“I got a friend that can patch you up. Just calm down and I’ll explain soon.” He said before closing the door and going to the driver’s side. He began to drive through the city, gripping the steering wheel tightly in anger. I weakly reached over, not caring how much I wanted to sleep, or how much my head hurt, and touched his arm, causing him to relax a little. I gave him a soft smiled before my eyes closed, allowing the darkness to pull me away.

About two hours later, I woke up to the feeling of warmth surrounding me and an unfamiliar feeling on my head. Not pain, but it was comfortable. I slowly opened my eyes as different voices fill my ears.

“Thank you, Bruce. I didn’t know who to turn to and the hospital didn’t feel like a right choice-”

“It’s okay Steve. Are you ready for when she wakes up though? I’m sure if she wakes up here, she will have a few questions.”

“I know. I know. I’ll figure it out. When will everyone else be back?”

“Clint and Nat will be back soon, Tony probably is on his way up from his lab.”

“And Thor?”

“He’s just in his room- Look who’s awake?”

Looking up as my vision adjusted, Steve was across the room with a slightly shorter man who had brown hair, some glasses, and a suit on. Steve crossed the room quickly to be at my side.

“Steve I-”

“How are you feeling? Do you need water?”

“Steve, what happened back there? And who is this? Where am I?” I demanded as I began to sit up.

Steve placed a hand on my shoulder and pressed gently, causing me to lay back down before letting out a soft sigh. “You’re at the Avengers Tower. This is my friend Bruce. You hit your head back at the parking garage and I needed to make sure you were okay. Would you like some water?’

I nodded slowly and Bruce walked over with a nice cold cup of water, smiling softly. After drinking some I looked around before looking up at Steve. “Wait, why are we in the Avengers Tower?”

“Y/N I-”

“I heard we had a guest!” A loud voice erupted from the elevator, causing us all to look over. I knew that face, of course, I had to know it. The man walked over and I couldn’t stop my own words from falling out of my mouth.

“You’re Tony Stark.”

“Yes, I am! Capsicle, this is not what I expected but you do have good taste-”

“Capsicle? Steve, what is he talking about?” I interrupted, looking at him with shock.

Steve moved a bit closer and sighed. “Remember the library? Where those two men saved you?” I nodded slowly, allowing him to continue. “Tony is Iron Man, Bruce is the Hulk, and I’m-”

“You’re Captain America,” I whispered, sitting up a bit. This time he didn't stop me, he was too busy looking down ashamed to do that. I sighed softly and hugged him close, bringing shock to not only him, but the other two. “Thank you,” I whispered in his ear. I then shakily stood and hugged Tony before sitting.

“I’ll take that as you’re not mad?” Steve asked, shock drawn across his face. I shook my head and smiled softly.

“First you saved my life, and then took me on one of the best dates I’ve had in a long time. Why would I be mad Steve?” I replied, holding his hand as I rested back. “So… Captain America?”

Steve smiled and nodded. “Yep. With the shield and everything.”

“That makes you about 100 years old.” I laughed softly. “I can say, for an old man you’re quite attractive.” I continued.

Right as Steve was about to answer, the elevator opened again and a loud voice erupted. “100 is nothing. Try 1000- Y/N?”

I sat up quickly as the figure entered the room and stared at me. I slowly began to stand as the familiarity hit me. “Thor?”

“Lady Y/N.” He replied, a wide smile forming across his face. I ran across the room quickly, hugging him as tight as I could. He picked me up and spun me around, before holding me close. He smelled of Asgard, the smells I longed, the smells I missed. “We’ve all been wondering where you’ve been! It’s been quite a while!”

Tony stepped forward, Steve not too far behind as the questions began to flow.

“How do you and Sparkles know each other?”

“Since when did you know him?”

Thor and I ignored them, completely invested in each other. He finally set me down on my own two feet, but kept a grip on my hips, as I kept a grip on his arms.

“Odin banished me. I thought I’d never see you or Loki again.”

“I know why. Heimdall told me. I deeply apologize for what has happened.”

I shrugged, looking down before asking. “How is he?”

“He was the one that attacked New York. He’s locked up now in an Asgardian prison. But most importantly, he is grieving you.”

“Grieving?”

“He knows father banished you, but not why. He longs your return.”

We were both snapped out of our discussion as Steve spoke up. “Can someone please tell us what is going on here?!”

Thor and I looked from Steve to each other, nodding before I went to sit on the couch, Steve by my side. “It’s a long story.”

After I explained everything to Steve, how I was at one point with Loki, and how I was with his child, I let him process things as I walked out to the balcony. The view was beautiful. I never got a chance to see New York from this high up before. I carefully rubbed my stomach, feeling like I was reassuring the baby, but I was actually reassuring myself. All I could think of were the bad possibilities.

What if they locked me up? What if they took me back to Asgard and locked me up? Would I never see Thor again? Or Steve? And what about Loki? Would I ever really see him again?

I was pulled from my thoughts when a figure joined my side, the redhead everyone called Nat.

“So….” She whispered, turning her gaze to me, as I kept mine to the skyline. “You dated Loki?”

I nodded slowly, looking to her. “For quite a few years before I arrived here.”

“And you are pregnant with his kid?”

“That is why I was banished. Is there a point?”

“Are you… upset? Over what happened a couple of months ago?”

“I wasn’t aware of who it was until….quite recently. All I was told was that the Chitauri attacked. During the attack, I was trapped in the library, so I only saw the aftermath. I don’t know of Loki’s motives besides his grief of my leaving. I have lost everything, Loki, my home. I’ve had to start anew in an unfamiliar place, with nobody I knew. I have to raise this child alone. Of course, I am upset-”

“You’re not alone.” Steve’s voice spoke up, causing both Nat and I to turn to him. He stood in the doorway with his head down, his hands shoved in his pockets.

“Wh-What?”

“You have your “parents”. And you have me. And all of the Avengers. But please, let me help you, Y/N. Let me help you raise this baby. I know I’m not the father and I am no good at understanding kids but-”

“Yes,” I whispered, walking up to him slowly.

“What?” He asked quickly, lifting his head to make eye contact.

“Yes. You can help.” I whispered before hugging his waist, resting my head on his chest. I felt him slowly pull his hands out of his pocket and wrap his arms around me, keeping me close as he rested his chin on the top of my head. “Just… promise you’ll stay Steve. Promise me you’ll stay with me.”

All he gave was a nod and hold me. Nat slipped away to join the others inside, leaving us to hug as the city lights shined bright behind us. Just us. And for the first time in what seemed like forever,

I was home.

#cassiefanfic #stay with me #stay with me series #marvel fic #marvel fanfic #marvel fanfiction #loki x reader #loki fic #loki fanfic #loki fanfiction #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers fic #steve rogers fanfic #steve rogers fanfiction

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wonderwonderhowido · 7 years ago

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Year-end meme time! I have been answering these questions once a year without fail since 2006. Maybe one of these years I’ll stop, but not for 2017.

Was 2017 a good year for you?

Yes! In February I decided I wanted to quit my job and go to Brazil for 3 months. I quit my job and moved away from NC in July, left for Brazil in August. I had a short-lived but intense romantic relationship from April-July. We drove across the country together. Brazil was really challenging but overall amazing. With the exception of a couple periods when life was too hectic, I kept up with my yoga habit. I think I made it a full 8 months without skipping a whole week actually? Maybe it was 6 months, I forget now, I just know that it was an important milestone for me at the time because I have never managed to keep up an exercise routine that long before. I spent more time at the ocean and by the pool than I have in most other years of my life. I lost some weight. I stayed relatively on top of my shit (bullet journaling really helped, when I was doing that), and stayed sane. I read a fuck ton of Harry/Draco and BTS fic. I took a lot of chances with people I had only just barely met. It has honestly been a pretty stellar year for me personally, the mounting sense of despair over the external world aside.

What was your favorite moment of the year?

Being in the ocean with kids climbing on top of me, demanding to be tossed into the waves.

What was your least favorite moment of the year?

Nothing actually stands out. I had some pretty low moments of crying over certain things in my life, but nothing I can talk about on the online, and besides since none of them were reacting to specific things they all sort of blend together in my memory anyway. I did cry whole buckets while leaving my goodbye party in NC and continued to cry when I got to my ex-BF’s house and then cried myself to sleep, but it feels sort of not right to call that a least favorite moment, just cathartic.

Where were you when 2017 began?

At the same new years’ party I was at when 2014, 2015, and 2016 began. That night was kind of a mixed bag for me, although I did get a new years’ kiss, which I will probably not be getting this year.

Where will you be when 2017 ends?

One of my oldest friends in SLC is hosting a “polar plunge” at her house, so I’m going to do that. I probably will not be taking any kind of plunge myself but I can provide emotional support to those who shall.

Who will you be with when 2017 ends?

My friend Jennica and her husband. I have no idea who else, I don’t think I know most of their friends these days.

Did you keep your new years resolution of 2017?

Looking at the half-assed resoluations I made…. Lmao, no I didn’t, but then my goals for the year changed rather drastically in February when I decided to upend everything, and I feel pretty good about how I followed through with all that stuff.

Do you have a new years resolution for 2018?

Have another list of resolution-ish intentions I have, I still would not call this list whole-assed but hey:

-complete a 30 day yoga challenge (I am on day 7 already, actually, so if I keep up with it I'll knock this one out before the end of January)

-don't let more than 4 days go by without going to yoga (other than when I'm traveling)

-don't let more than 2 days go by without writing (other than when I'm traveling)

-write original fiction at least three times a week, even if it's just like, scribbling down 100 words of a writing exercise (again, other than when traveling)

-read at least 25 books

-read at least 20 short stories

What was your relationship status? Did you break up with anyone?

I was in a relationship from roughly April-July, we broke it off before I left for Brazil. I dated other people in there, although no one for as long as I dated him.

How many one-night stands?

I think four? Idk depends on what you consider a one-night stand. And I made out with lots of different people, which was fun.

Did you make any new friends in 2017?

I made a lot of new friends in Brazil! I’ve made some new friends and reconnected with old friends through kpop. I seem to have made some new friends in SLC, which has been really nice.

What was your favorite month of 2017?

Probably September. April really ranks up there, too.

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 30!!! I think on the day of I went to work, got taken out to lunch by my boyfriend, swam in my apartment’s pool, and started watching Boku No Hero Academia, also with the boyfriend. I had a small party for myself over the weekend, if memory serves. It was really nice, low key and happy, I really enjoyed turning 30 and have been very much enjoying my thirties since. I remember thinking that I was going to feel angsty and panicked about turning this number but that never really hit. It was mostly just good.

How many different places did you travel to in 2017?

Ashland, OR; Wilmington, NC; Charlotte, NC; from Carrboro, NC to SLC, with stops along the way in Birmingham, New Orleans, a town in Texas that I have forgotten the name of; in Brazil: Fortaleza, Taiba, Manaus, Tefe, Mamiraua Reserve, Monte Alegre do Sul, and Sao Paulo.

Did anybody close to you die in 2017?

No.

Did anybody close to you give birth?

Yes, K and E.

Did you miss anybody in the past year?

I missed my NC friends a lot after I moved away. I missed Brazil and my people there.

Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Other than public figures, no, not really.

What were your favorite movies that you saw in 2017?

Loving Vincent, Thor: Ragnarok and The Last Jedi.

What was your favorite song from 2017?

I have not done a great job of keeping track of which songs I’ve listened to the most this year, but: Silver Spoon/Baepsae by BTS; Nights by Frank Ocean; Soldados by Legiao Urbana; Don’t Take The Money by Bleachers; The Louvre by Lorde; Ultralight Beam by Kanye West; Young by The Chainsmokers.

Did you have a favorite concert in 2017?

Bleachers and MUNA in Charlotte! Also Chance The Rapper.

Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2017?

I feel like yes but I think I did less getting super drunk than in previous years.

Did you do a lot of drugs in 2017?

Not ‘a lot’ but I was not expecting this to be the year that recreational drugs came back into my life. So ‘a lot’ by my usual standards, I guess.

What kept you sane?

Yoga, walking, and journaling. This is a very boring and literal answer, sorry, but it’s true. I’m sorry to be one of Those People but exercise and mindfulness are the reasons I’m able to be off anti-depressants.

What did you do in 2017 that you’d never done before?

Traveled to a foreign country by myself. Tried cocaine. Wrote fanfiction commissions. Taught english classes. Learned how to samba. Used a bullet journal. Did goat yoga. Interviewed a creator I admired. Went to a club by myself.

What dates from 2017 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

-August 21, the day of the eclipse and the day I flew to Brazil.

-July 28-29, my last days in NC, the night one of my cats spent in the bathtub of a friend’s apartment, and the days I spent frantically moving out of my apartment.

-The Women’s March. Both because it was one of the very few times this year I felt politically empowered, and because that night I had a really fantastic tinder date with a woman who had also been at the march. This was only a couple days after I’d been dumped by the girl I was seeing, so I felt very spitefully pleased about the timing of it all.

-April 22. At my old job, we opened up a new public preserve, an event everyone in the org had been working to make happen for years. The event itself went extremely well and was super gratifying, and then that night was one of the early and really great dates with the guy I was dating.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Quitting my job in a way I feel good about. Making Brazil happen. Moving out of my apartment. Sticking with yoga. Finishing my otayuri Spy AU. Writing all the fic that people commissioned me for, even though it took me forever and a day. Paying off my credit card post-brazil.

What was your biggest failure?

I am disappointed in myself for not trying harder to write and publish more nonfiction, even though I felt all this momentum in that direction after the McElroy piece I wrote in May. I am also disappointed in myself for losing steam on the novel I started in 2016. There are some conversations I wish I had had with important people in my life, that I always chickend out on having. There are some feelings I wish I had been able to leave behind, but couldn’t.

What was the best thing you bought?

Other than plane tickets, probably my chromebook. It does not feel real at all that I bought that in 2017, though. This year has been five years in one.

Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder? happier

b) thinner or fatter? thinner

c) richer or poorer? poorer

How did you spend Christmas?

With my family in SLC, like I almost always do. We opened presents, my dad and I went to yoga, I read a lot of kpop fic, in the evening we went to a dinner party at my parents’ friends house and I ate a lot of really good food.

What was the best book you read?

If I manage to finish The Female Man today, I will have read 23 books this year, not counting the 6 Animorphs books I reread and the gazillions of BNHA manga chapters. That’s actually more than I thought I had read, and maybe I should make my books goal for 2018 a larger number, hm.

But anyway I think the best book of those was probably The Basic Eight by Daniel Handler or Blind Assassin by Margaret Atwood. I also loved Swing Time by Zadie Smith but I read that at the beginning of the year so it sort of feels like a lifetime ago.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2017?

Well for half of it I’ve been either living out of a backpack or in my pajamas almost 24/7. Also I got rid of most of my wardrobe. So I guess minimal?

What would you like to have in 2018 that you lacked in 2017?

A new Carly Rae Jepsen album!!! And greater financial security, a home in a city I’m happy about living in.

What do you wish you’d done more of?

Writing original fiction and freelance writing. Exercising more discipline in my writing life, in general. Mindfulness exercises when I was upset. Taking photos of people I wanted to remember.

What do you wish you’d done less of?

Sweet jesus do I wish I had spent less time mindlessly refreshing apps on my phone, particularly twitter. Also pointless angsting about personal relationships. Gone on less Tinder dates that I knew weren’t going anywhere.

What are your plans for 2018?

Going to Japan in May with @corvidyouths and @globsavethequeen!!! And getting a job in New York or LA or DC or, who knows, somewhere else that I haven’t though of yet.

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

Well, I don’t know how much of my year this actually sums up, but these lines have been rattling around my head more than anything else. From Nights by Frank Ocean:

I ain't trying to keep you Can't keep up a conversation Can't nobody reach you Why your eyes well up Did you call me from a seance You are from a past life

#annual navel gazing #personal

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ichibri · 7 years ago

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Writing Tag

I was tagged by @pilindiel (Thx :D & It’s good to be back)

Responses under the cut!

1. How did you come up with your username and what does it mean?

It’s a play on how in Bleach Ichigo’s sisters call him Ichi-nii. I always saw Ichigo as a brother figure and wished he was my brother instead of the jackass of an older brother that I have, so it’s IchiBri cause Bri is the first half of my last name.

2. Which fanfic of yours has the most feedback?

Wrong Place, Wrong Time. Which is honestly surprising cause it was my first sh/eith fic and I’m still in awe that so many people continue to follow it and leave comments every chapter.

3. What is your AO3 profile icon and why did you choose it?

It’s the same as my tumblr icon cause I adore Shiro and I love how pretty his eyes are in it.

4. Do you have any regular/favourite commenters?

All of them. Like honestly, when someone comments all the time, they become a dear friend to me. I have so much gratitude for them that I just want to shower them with love.

5. Is there a fanfic you keep going back to read again and again?

There’s some old Grimm/Ichi fics I absolutely loved in high school that I still reread every now and then.

6. How many stories are you subscribed to? How many do you have bookmarked?

Including author subscriptions, it’s 41. And I’ve got 73 bookmarks.

7. Which AU do you find yourself writing the most?

Magical, maybe?? Or slightly magical, like modern aus with demons or witches or time travel. Most of my original stuff is modern fantasy/supernatural/monster stuff too.

8. How many people are subscribed and bookmarked to you in total?

18 subscribed to me as an author, 251 story subscriptions, and 300 story bookmarks in total

9. Is there something you’d like to write about but are afraid of people judging you for it? (Feeling brave? If so, share it!)

I’d love to write some really dark, twisted shit. But yeah, not super into the whole ‘fiction equals reality’ argument that many people like tossing around. I’m lucky enough to avoid an/ties in the v.ld fandom so I’m not gonna push my luck.

10. Is there anything you’d like to be better at? Writing certain scenes or genres, replying to comments, updating better, etc.

Outlining and sticking to a damn plot. I wing everything and change so much it’s not even funny. It’d be so much easier if I could sit down and plot out a story before starting it, but I’m too impatient for that.

11. Do you write rarepairs or popular ships more often?

Normally popular ships. Call me vain, but I prefer the bigger audience that comes with popular ships.

12. How many stories have you posted on AO3 to this day?

13. How many stories do you have saved in/ with your writing program?

As in like wips? Cause not counting one-liners or jumbled ideas tossed together, then about 6. But if overall, then everything I’ve written since freshman year of high school, so a lot.

14. Do you write down story ideas or just keep them in your head?

I write them down in a note pad app on my phone cause they normally come to me when I don’t have pen/paper. I’ve been known to wake up in the middle of the night with an idea, type it out on the app, and find garbled nonsense the next morning, lol.

15. Have you ever co- authored a story?

Kinda. More like co-authored an au, where we came up with it together and wrote our own separate takes on it.

16. How did you discover AO3?

A bit after I got into Bleach, I was looking for more fics cause ff.net just didn’t have many for the pairing I wanted, and I noticed quite a few authors were moving to AO3 so I checked it out.

17. Do you consider yourself to be a popular or famous author in your fandom(s) on AO3?

No, but I’m super grateful for the readers I have.

18. Do you have a nickname or fandom name for your readers?

Nope

19. Was there an author who inspired or encouraged you to write?

Not in particular, but there are plenty of well-written, poetic fics that inspire me to write. Cause the best inspiration for me is reading others’ fics. But encouragement wise, that comes from my fandom friends. And my mom, lol. She reads everything of mine whether it’s fandom or not.

20. What writing advice would you give to a beginning author?

Don’t compare yourself to anyone but who you were yesterday. The writers you’re looking up to have been writing for many years, even decades. With tons of practice and an open mind willing to learn and develop, you’ll find your style and what works for you. Trust me, one day, you’ll look back and see how much you’ve grown, and you’ll feel immense pride in how far you’ve come. But first, you have to give yourself that time to grow.

21. Do you plot out your stories or do you just figure it out as you go?

I plot out the first 3-5 chapters and the climax, but everything else is ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ And if it’s a oneshot, then I only have a general idea of what I want to write and let myself go whichever direction the words take me.

22. Have you ever gotten a bad comment on a story? If so, what did you do?

Yep. I’ll admit, I was hurt and pissed off at first. I ignored it, because they could have just as easily stopped reading if they didn’t like the direction the story was going. Like guys, if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all. Writers are people too, and unless you commissioned the story, you have no say in the direction a writer takes it.

23. Is there a certain type of scene that you have a hard time writing? (Action, smut, etc)

Lol, I gave up trying to write smut when I realized I was ace, cause it’s just awkward as fuck, and I can’t stop laughing the entire time. But action scenes are kinda the bane of my existence. I think I’ve gotten down the basics and learning how to involve the 5 senses to make it more dynamic, but it’s still like pulling teeth for me. I prefer writing emotional vs physical.

24. What story(s) are you working on now?

Wrong Place, Wrong Time. Sh/eith Ferngully au. Sh/eith Heart Adventures au. And two original short stories, one about a grim reaper taking the soul of a baby and another about a human falling in love with an ichthyocentaur (basically a mermaid & a centaur all in one). Oh and they're lesbians because fck yeah they are.

25. Do you plan your new projects before you finish your current ongoing story(s)?

Yeah. I've got a huge list of projects/aus I want to do. My notepad app has so many snippets of different stories/plots it's not even funny.

26. Do you have a daily writing goal set for yourself?

No. I crumble under pressure, and trying to reach a daily word count always leaves me feeling like shit. Some days I'm lucky to write a single sentence and others I'll go on for hours.

27. Do you think you’ve improved as a writer since you first started?

God yeah. I've been writing stories since elementary school and it's hilarious reading what I thought was amazing back them. And even in just this past year, I've grown a lot and feel as though I've finally settled into a style that’s my own.

28. What is your favourite story that you have written?

Oh man, right now it's probably Grown-ups Come Back just because of how deep that cut me to write it. Like even now when I reread it, the emotions are still raw and I bawl my eyes out.

29. What is your least favourite story that you have written?

Ugh, Casper. It was a halloween extra for AToS, and it was rushed and forced and yeah, not super proud of it.

30. Where do you see yourself (as a writer) in 5 years?

With more novels under my belt and hopefully a steady-ish income coming from writing. Cause hopefully one day it can become my full-time job and I’ll be able to support myself off it.

31. What’s the easiest part about writing?

Coming up with plot points/scenes. It's super easy for me to think/write plot points, it's just connecting them together that gets a little challenging.

32. What is the hardest part about writing?

Keeping track of subtle actions. Like a character talking while holding a cup in their hand and then a page later the cup magically disappears cause I forgot I gave them a damn cup.

33. Why do you write?

Because I love it, and I'm good with written words. My oral communication skills suck, and it's frustrating to struggle with getting my thoughts to come out of my mouth properly and cohesively. But writing lets me say exactly what I want to and portray it in a desired way. Also I'm a deeply emotional person and exploring emotions through characters and stories helps to sort through my own and is my main coping mechanism for dealing with life.

#tagged #morgan shut up #this was fun #so if you're a writer and wanna do it consider yourself tagged

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opepin · 7 years ago

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nov: week two

13: 5/6 pto day~ it was pretty gloomy outside so i felt a bit gloomy on the inside. kevin went to work and i woke up before he left. i ate another cinnamon raisin english muffin for bfast and then i hopped on my computer to update my tumblr. until i get my new gratitude journal, i am going to continue writing about my day, but i might change it up so that it’s bullet points again. we’ll see. i was pretty productive today. i finally decided on a gratitude journal to try it out and ordered it on amazon. then i chilled and watched some youtube videos and caught up on anime while eating lunch. after lunch, i digested a bit and then hit the gym. i thought i was going to spend it all in the yoga studio but i ended up needing to go to the fitness center so after glute activation exercises, i went across and did sumo squats and deadlifts. my legs felt so weak today. it could have been my form as well because my mind was scattered from going back and forth to the fitness center and yoga studio @_@; i managed to get through all the weighted exercises and then went back to the studio to do a burn out and hip dip exercises. i might have scared off someone in the studio, but i was in the zone so... ahha...

i came back, cooled off and stretched, and then showered and made myself a smoothie. i started prepping dinner and then kevin told me he left the office late so i just made dinner tonight. i made our spicy kale coconut fried rice and it came out pretty good (: i’m so happy with the outcome haha. kevin was also real happy to come home to a hot meal. it was nice. before cooking, i spent some time looking for my chocolate molds. they disappeared somewhere. i don’t know where they are :( i looked in all the small places as well as the storage room and no dice. kevin even looked with me after we ate :( sigh. i’m sad but i hope it will turn up somewhere. we asked the front to check our old apartment to see if we forgot it. i mean, it is transparent right? kevin went for a run after helping me look and i just continued looking until it was time to sleep. i was really bummed so i slept early. lol.

14: i got up at 7:45 am and then did my 30 minutes of stretching. it was nice and quiet in the morning and i felt like doing something but not cardio or anything of the sort. then i changed and made my smoothie for breakfast, said goodbye to kevin, and left for work. only john and haowei were in the office today. cole was waiting for a furniture delivery so he wasn’t in. mmm the moment i got on the train, i felt really sleepy. when i got into the office, i felt pretty kjsfnbkjsdf. i don’t know if it’s the heating, lack of people, etc. but i wanted to go home asap. there wasn’t much for me to do in the morning so i did some testing. then at around 11:50 pm, i ate my lunch and then packed up and headed to a chinatown market to get a carrot for our slaw tonight. i waited 10+ minutes to buy one carrot for 46 cents because the people in front of me chose to buy soy sauce that wasn’t entered into the system yet -____<” i mean it’s not their fault but the two other lines started moving faster after i was boxed into this line...

i got out and then rushed over to south station to get on my train. i waited 7 minutes for my train because it probably had left before i got to the station :( luckily, i got back at 1 pm and phil didn’t ping me about our meeting until i asked him if he was ready at 1:06 pm. we talked about next steps and upcoming sessions and then he went into a meeting and i continued to work while watching an episode of ‘jane the virgin.’ i got my blender bottle in the mail today! i washed the dishes as soon as i could so i could use it after my workout today. i also got kevin a ‘pre xmas’ gift! i saw that there was a christmas caroling and hot chocolate boat cruise so i got tickets for us because last year, he went on a team outing instead of the jazz cruise i booked for us (i took hillary instead because it made sense and we had funn!). so i thought it would be nice if he actually went this time~ hehe. kevin went climbing so after work, i cut up the carrot and cabbage and let it wilt with salt for about an hour while working out. i felt like doing a few cardio hip hop routines, standing abs, abs on a mat, and then ending everything with hip dip / bodyweight butt exercises. it was a good and fun workout. i finished seasoning the slaw after my workout and used my blender bottle to mix my protein with cashew milk. lol, the lid wasn’t locked in properly so i spilled a bit of my expensive af protein on the rice cooker and counter T___T on the bright side, everything was blended perfectly! tomorrow, i’ll try putting in some honey to see if it will mix well or not.

as i finished up with the slaw, kevin came back. we showered and then toasted burger buns, heated up the leftover pulled chicken, and ate small burgers for dinner. we were still hungry and i got an idea to make “curry buns.” i flattened out one burger bun, put leftover curry inside, sandwiched the curry inside and sealed the bread by pinching the outsides, and then pan fried it in butter. well, i did the stuffing and kevin did the pan frying. if we heated up the curry before pan frying it, i think it would have tasted better but it was fun cooking on the spot with kevin :3 <3 we split one and then i had a bite of kevin’s guava strudel while we watched the latest foodwishes video. we want to make his new soup video as well as his hasselback turkey breast video when we come back from thanksgiving. we cleaned up a little and then beat battleblock theater! omg the last few levels are so hard lmao. the ending was trololol but i think there will be a sequel. it was challenging and fun playing with kevin. :) we half-planned what to get our families for christmas (gift baskets for each of us visiting our families from harry and david).

then he gamed and i got ready for bed. this night, i was on my phone later than usual because i was chatting with daniel about working out with him when i get back, michelle about daylight savings dahkness, and chewy about us missing each other and i want to see her and i want to visit her so badly but ticket prices are so expensive from coast to coast T__T and then i did the thing where i stayed up on my phone doing nothing productive. if i got a new phone, i think i would spend more time on it, which is bad. lol. my oneplus one is my longest tech relationship with a screen (lol): 3 years and still going strong (well, my phone’s body is chipping).

15: i’ve been working out when i actually feel like it so i didn’t work out this morning and slept in :) i’m getting back to 7 hours of sleep now (more than once or twice a week)! kevin headed out for work and then i made my breakfast smoothie and started work. i’ve been craving warmer foods because it is colder now but my protein won’t taste as good if i put it in oatmeal or something. hmm, maybe i could just blend milk and protein and then eat an english muffin with pb and bananas on it. it’s a bigger breakfast but if it’s hot, i don’t think i would mind at all :) work has been chill this week because it is nearing thanksgiving and things are winding down for now. this day is a bit of a blur for me. i’m not sure what i did. i stayed at my computer for the most part until kevin got back home. i did talk to phil for a bit and then signed off and hurried to get the chicken thighs into the slow cooker. i didn’t realize it would take 4 hours for the slow cooker recipe. so i chopped up onions and garlic, put in the sauces and spices, and turned on the slow cooker. kevin got back early-ish but it he was in a heated argument with jon about sentencing. -___- this debate went on even after i went to sleep...

i snacked on edamame while kevin angrily typed away at his keyboard and waited for him to go to the gym with me. i knew it would take him more time to stop so i just left and did arms and back. i lifted mostly with 8s and 10s and took it slower this session. my arms are pretty flimsy and i still think my form is a bit off. i’m gonna check with daniel when i come back to chicago. after my workout, kevin was still debating. so i forced him to stop and go run and then i showered and added cornstarch to the thighs before it was done cooking 30 minutes later. i was pretty hungry by the time we ate. while kevin showered and cooked celery, i watched the beginning of season 5 of ‘mind of chef’ featuring ludo. lol kevin could see how excited i was and i kept gushing. i have 2-3 favorite chefs: david chang, ludo lefebvre, and christina tosi. i go nuts when i watch documentaries about them. lol. i now want to go to LA just to try all of ludo’s restaurants. instead of opening a big fancy restaurant, he went for a bit grungier strip malls in LA, which is fascinating. lol ok i’ll stop fangirling. we managed to get in a few games of helldivers before i rq’d and went to sleep because kevin would not stop debating with jon. i slept pretty late at 1 am (my phone dammit). i wrote in my gratitude journal that i just got as well. i want to think more positively. i think after this week, i’m going to stop updating my tumblr for a bit and just write in my gratitude journal.

16: i got up to go to work but after eating breakfast and changing my outfit twice, i really didn’t feel like going. so i changed back into my sleep clothes and worked from home. when it rains and looks gloomy and i’m not sure if my team is in the office, it makes me want to stay home. kevin got out of bed a bit later than usual so he went to work straight away. then i did a bit of work and phil pinged me with a new thing to do so i hopped on that. i worked on that until lunch time. then i ate lunch while watching youtube videos and downloading videos and movies to watch on my flight tuesday morning to chicagooo. after lunch, i anxiously waited for the eggie season ii drop. when it happened, i got a password screen and then all the items slowly came loading in. tbh, i wasn’t impressed :( mindy and i looked at the same time and she said she kind wanted the blur tee and i kind of wanted the oo dang long sleeve but $7 shipping is not worth for two shirts that are a bit pricey. we decided to wait for the next drop and bundle the shirts later. yeah, i had really high expectations. the season is inspired by the 2000s fashion, which i’m not a huge fan of, so maybe that’s why?

after that anti-climatic moment, daniel talked me into trying to bypass the $20 guest pass fee for his gym by live chatting someone for a free pass on his gym’s website. what he didn’t tell me is that they would call me and ask more and try to sell me their membership... man, i can’t lie. i feel so bad about it. :( i’m not gonna pick up sigh. i feel guilty for lying. anyway, i hopped on stand up and finished with the assignment phil gave me. the stand up took longer than i expected but after, i took a break to do some internet errands and stretches while watching more mind of the chef ft. ludo <3 after work, i made rice and chicken thighs for dinner. kevin came home and he made some chinese broccoli. hm i think today, i was feeling pretty moody. i watched some anime probably and some youtube videos while walking around the apartment. kevin went ahead and gamed with the guys. i think it was a pretty typical evening for us. we watched more ludo <3 while eating dinner and i continued watching after. hehe. i love this season.

17: today, i had a stressful day because of work. i didn’t work out in the morning but i ate my breakfast and then asked phil some questions and at the end of the conversation, i felt overwhelmed with the amount of videos i had to remake because of our monthly releases... so right after our talk, i hit the yoga studio. i started out with kickboxing with weights and then into hiit and a bit of legs. i ended up working out for over an hour. then i went back, drank a protein smoothie, showered, and ate lunch. i tried starting on my massive pile of work by figuring out how to streamline this process so that this won’t happen again. i like doing video tutorials but not when i am told i have to redo all the ones i’ve done because of small navigational changes... so i googled, researched, thought, brainstormed, etc about ways i can make this process easier for me and maybe for someone else in the future. i did this for a while alone until i decided to ask winston, kevin, and vivian for their ideas. winston actually video chatted with me for a while and it was nice catching up with him even though no solid solution came up. vivian gave me her best answer, which was plausible but not in the long run. kevin came back home and gave me two interesting ideas, but in the end, i had it in my mind that i had to remake all of them. oh well. it was the end of a week, so i set my mind to rest.

kevin brought me back sliders from his friday happy hour and we ate that while playing pokemon ultra sun and moon! i could have not worked a bit more and started playing but i wanted to start with kevin. we played a bit and then kevin went out for a run and then for dinner, reheated some broth to make korean rice cake soup. we watched ‘mind of a chef’ until i realized, that ludo’s season was only half of the season’s episodes... i forgot that this is how it was laid out after david chang in season 1. so we started watching the ‘best of’ episodes while eating. we ate the rest of our pomelo for dessert. we gamed for the rest of the night happily. we obviously, stayed up and gamed lol.

18: oh yes, we woke up late and we played pokemon in bed until we got hungry. then we decided to be responsible and went to do a quick grocery run. we just got edamame and bananas from bj’s because that’s what i eat on a daily basis lol. we got some ingredients to make caldo verde with the leftover kale in our fridge as well. kevin got me a slice of chocolate cake and some dark chocolate because i’ve been craving it like crazy. i know it’s going to be my time of month when i have a craving for rich dense chocolate cake lol. we also picked up chocolate covered wavy lays chips -- it’s a no. i ate it all but i would not buy again. lol. i would suggest getting ferrero roche instead. well, we got back and kevin felt like going climbing. i think we put everything away and then played more pokemon for a bit and then kevin went out. i tidied up a bit and got myself in the mood for working out. i wasn’t sure what i was going to do but i went to the yoga studio anyway. there was a girl facetiming someone in there... i felt awkward but i just did my thang in the corner while she did that. i don’t think she meant to go into the yoga studio for just that purpose because i heard her saying that he was interrupting her workout session. she left like 10 minutes after i started working out lmao.

i did full body strength today because i won’t have access to weights for most of next week. it was a good workout! i got back, made myself a smoothie, cut the potatoes and onion, and then washed some dishes. kevin got back, we showered, and he got to cooking caldo verde. i was pretty munchy at this point so i kept picking off the sausages lol. the soup turned out delicious! i think we ended up playing pokemon for the rest of the night. well, at least i did. i think kevin stopped and played hots before going to sleep. zzz.

19: today will be the last post before my gratitude journal break. we were bums again :P we played pokemon in the morning and then i was getting cramps and feeling out of it. i think we kept gaming for a while... ryan asked us if we wanted to game with him and terence and we ended up playing gauntlet together. after that, i started cleaning to be productive. at some point, i think kevin went for a run and then i worked out as well. we showered and then kevin made us fried rice with leftovers for dinner. after dinner, we digested a bit and then... hmm, maybe we ate then digested and then worked out, showered, and then cleaned the kitchen. lol. i am updating this on the 21st (when i stayed up to catch my flight to chicago) so i’m a bit out of it and 3 days ago is a lot @_@; anyway, it ended up being a really productive night. we cleaned everything and i got to rest a bit with my cramping and stuff. i tried going to sleep a bit earlier than we’ve been going to sleep because i needed to check in for southwest and get up to see the gymshark sales as well as take a call from kristen. yup. it didn’t feel like tomorrow was going to be a start to a new week aka work. i loved the way we spent this weekend just chilling and enjoying each other’s company. :)

20/21: okay, so that’ll be it for a bit. yesterday and today has been crazy. we spent monday working. i actually came up with a great game plan for the videos currently and worked a bit longer than i expected to -- i was on a grind though! we gamed together after eating dinner and when we left, we thought we had everything down, but when i got to chicago, i realized we didn’t take out the garbage... so i hope i don’t see a million fruit flies when i come back T__T i’m a bit worried but we’ll see! anyway, i stayed up yesterday because kevin’s flight to china left at 1 am and i wanted to go to the airport with him even though my flight left at 5 am. so after he went through security, i headed back to my terminal, brushed my teeth, and found a place to charge my phone. i started watching ‘psycho pass’ and i did stay up for the entire aiport process. i ko’d when i got on the plane. now it’s 10 pm and i am getting a bit sleepy. not sure if i want to do 10-15 minutes of abs anymore and/or play pokemon. i’m kind of ready to sleep. well, talk to you later, tumblr! thanks for being there for me and helping me document my life from sophomore year of high school until a year / two years after college graduation. it’s been real. i’ll be back in some way! <3

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cosmosogler · 7 years ago

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i got home so late that i didn’t even have my computer open before my “start writing” alarm went off.

i woke up pretty late... i’d had trouble sleeping last night because of the giant bandaid on my face i guess. and i just didn’t feel like getting up!

so anyway i rolled out of bed, looked at the clock, and decided i didn’t have time to swim. i did end up appreciating the extra ~25 minutes so i guess i made the right choice.

i showered and made some toaster strudels and meatless bacon for breakfast. i made the bacon in the skillet because i didn’t want it to get microwave crispy yet again. it worked out nicely enough.

i showered and then started the laundry and caught up on the internet and picked up my package from home and unpacked that (i got some great shirts and the letter i wrote about earlier and stuff) and swept the floor and cleaned my bathroom and gave the stove a really good wash. i’ve been working at the caked-on grease that was there when i moved in for some time now and i think it’s basically as good as it’s gonna get. which is pretty dang good!!!

haven’t done much work on the microwave though. might work on that a bit more next. the inside of the oven looked fine.

i gave snoopy her anti-flea thing and then i gave her a pile of cookies and opened the window as an apology. then i made up a grocery list and biked out to gamestop to pick up a marshadow.

it was actually perfect weather outside and the ride was really pleasant. not too many pedestrians once i got well off the main intersection. it was maybe 20, 25 minutes one way. i appreciated the chance to kind of work out, even though it wasn’t swimming which was a bummer. it’s kinda nice to work out muscle groups besides “bike” sometimes.

but i noticed that i didn’t really get winded at any point on the ride, even though it was even longer and had more hills than the ride over to the vet’s office that wiped me out those few weeks ago. i guess that’s good.

oh also when i picked up the box it was like a third as big as i am and i just hoisted it over one shoulder and carried it all the way to my room without needing any breaks, and i was able to just hold it one-armed while unlocking doors and stuff. that was cool.

i guess my legs are getting more toned, even though i haven’t really noticed any changes in weight or shape overall. also getting more bruised from smashing the pedals against my calves and shins when i walk my bike to the rack in front of the physics building. it’s on a steep hill. i managed to skin the back of my ankle through my sock today. that hurt for a long time.

i’ve also started getting more coordinated when i weave through groups of pedestrians or just make kinda sharp turns in general. and i can get stopped and started basically as fast as i want any time i want, even uphill. though it is really, really annoying to have to try to build up speed from 0 on an incline.

earlier in the week a guy stepped off the sidewalk into the bike lane and just stared at me. i had to brake AND dodge into the road with cars, and then i had to try to get back up to “crawl” speed after i got back into the bike lane. i wanted to yell at him but i gotta save my breath on that hill.

i talked about being on a bike for a long time just now. i’ll move on.

on the way home, since they are on the same road (just 23 blocks apart), i stopped by the grocery store. they don’t sell tofurky any more so i’m going to have to figure out an alternative for easy lunches. i have a pasta salad mix i can try, and i can always fall back on the classic pbj. i didn’t get greedy this time so i had no trouble at all carrying my bags home. for once.

i made such good time at the grocery store that i was actually only out for an hour and a half. i didn’t want to eat anything when i got home but i convinced myself to make one of my “just add water” pasta sides. well, add water and cook for a reasonable amount of time. it’s not a microwave thing.

forgot to eat ice cream afterward but it didn’t matter really. i had dessert later anyway.

while i was eating i spent a few minutes watching the breeze come through the window and ruffle snoopy’s fur while she napped in her bed. it really was very nice out today.

then i started resetting for a good marshadow nature. i did that for, maybe, too long. i just really wanted a jolly one. i also disassembled snoopy’s water fountain and washed that out. i’ll put it back together tomorrow. got back too late today and it hadn’t been dry when i’d left.

at abouuut 3:45 or 4 i went to campus. it was super crowded because this is the third home game in a row and people were blocking off the entrance to the physics building. i just walked under their tent because, like, i work there and they don’t.

when i got inside i looked at suzanne and luis and rebika and jennica and taylor and i said “how do they have time to do this every week??”

then i remembered i’m a graduate student. a physics graduate student.

i got unpacked at my desk fairly quickly, but then i just kept resetting for that pokemon i wanted. it didn’t take too long and it was kind of nice to cool off before i started working... i dunno! maybe i wanted to do nothing for a little while!!

i ended up having to reset like 30 times though total. the rng is funny like that.

anyway i worked pretty hard up until about 8 when our dinner was delivered. i finished my quantum assignment and i did get started on classical but, as suzanne said, it’s brutal. even following along with one of the books actually covering the coriolis effect i’m just not getting the right answer.

keegan showed up around 7:50 and i had ordered a cake thing for him that he’d suggested so i got to have something sweet today after all. though the delivery guy didn’t... bring any eating utensils? so we had to dig out grody forks and spoons from one of the desks and try to clean them ourselves. i used my hand sanitizer. it seems to have worked... for now. i’m not obviously sick right now at least. we’ll see how i feel in the morning i guess.

so i kept working from 8:30-ish to 9:30 and i didn’t get much farther. well, i did get farther, but i realized i didn’t have the right answer so i had to redo a lot of stuff. keegan’s a slow reader because he can only see one line at a time so i wasn’t sure where the mistake even was. i did it again before i left and got the same wrong answer.

so i got home at 9:55 and i had time to reset the dryer and unpack before my alarm went off. and now it is 10:35. i had wanted to finish an entire classical problem AND half a section of grading and the other two rubrics i need to make... i don’t think i’ll have enough time tomorrow... my classmates are going out for brunch but i don’t really want to spend any more money right now and i want to spend more time working. maybe while they’re all out i can get a lot of grading done so all i’ll have left is the stuff i need help with when they get back.

emotionally i guess i’m still not doing too hot. i didn’t scratch my face again at least. the cut doesn’t hurt any more, since i rinsed it out in the shower and didn’t touch it all day. probably gonna take a while to finish healing though even if i don’t mess with it in the meantime.

i don’t seem to have a lot of energy. a lot of my self care routines are just too hard right now or i don’t remember or i decide not to bother because i just got too much to do.

like setting a timer to take small breaks every hour. didn’t do that today. i did take a long break while we ordered dinner though, and then another kinda long one when we ate. as in ~30 minutes.

or working out. and i didn’t meditate last night either. guess i was too busy just... hurting.

so anyway my writing time is about up. i also don’t want to go to sleep. so going to bed on time will be really hard.

i feel like i have something else to say but i can’t figure out what it is. guess that’s normal at least!

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raisingsupergirl · 6 years ago

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The Literal Literary Hermit

I often hear that "the world" says we can't do things. We can't follow our dreams. Or we can't be who we want to be. And on the surface, this sounds pretty profound. But I did something this last week that reminded me that the world is a pretty big freakin' place, and most of the time it's our own mind telling us that we can't do something. And you know what that is? It's an excuse. It's an excuse to avoid hard work, a little bit of planning, and the possibility of failure. But let's rewind. My revelation started in a hole in the ground.

In fact, I'm sitting here, right now, looking out the window of my 200-square-foot hermitage, watching ice chunks flow by in the Mississippi river. I've been here for five days, and other than calls home to my wife and daughters twice each day, I've had two conversations since I've been here. And both of them lasted less than two minutes. So, why am I here? What have I been doing? And what have I learned. Well, to answer those questions, I need to go back just a little bit farther.

First, you need to know that I'm thirty-two years old, I'm a full-time physical therapist, I have a lovely extroverted wife and two "lively" daughters (one and four years old), I'm the owner and editor-in-chief of a fiction magazine (shameless plug alert: GoHavok.com), and I've been writing fiction novels for almost a decade now. I'm also a Christian and a Freemason, and I, unlike my family, am not an extrovert. But the thing to take away from all of this is that I'm a writer. I've written seven novels (four independently and three collaboratively). And yet, I've never published anything over 1,000 words. Why?

Well, the short answer is that I haven't yet written anything that a big publisher has considered "sellable." Sure, I've had some hits from smaller publishers, and I could self-publish like your cousin's friend, but, for me, there's just something in my soul that needs that first book to be read by more than twelve people, and it’s worth the wait... mostly (and to be clear, I know plenty of writers who have done extremely well indie/self-publishing, and I know others who don’t have any desire to sell tens of thousands of copies as long as their family and friends can enjoy what they’ve written. I give both groups due credit and respect. But I’m not them). The problem is, statistically, most authors sell their first book in their early thirties (remember that I'm thirty-two). And I'm starting to realize this is because, by the time someone hits their thirties, they've pretty much settled into who they're going to be. And with each passing year, it gets harder for me to justify "wasting" time on stories that nobody's going to read. So, we finally come to the inciting event of the first act—the point of no return.

I wrote a book in November 2017. I thought it was great. Relatable characters, exciting plot, inspiring message, an out-of-this-world setting. But, apparently, it was a mess. Yes, it received positive feedback on a number of levels, but in the end, it needed a lot of work. And I was heartbroken because this was the novel to make or break me. If it didn't force the stars to align, I just couldn't make myself commit to another 200-hour paperweight. So what did I do? I sat it aside for a year and let it build into a source of anxiety and frustration. Every time I thought about it, it made me mad. Why? Because I knew it had huge potential. I knew I had the talent to make it shine. But I just. Didn’t. Have. The. Time. Until a friend of mine told me about a place called Visions of Peace Hermitages.

$40/night or $200/week. Forty minutes from my house. Seven hermitages (literally dug into the earth) overlooking the Mississippi river. No internet. No TV. No YouFaced TwitterSnapstagram. In short, no distractions. And suddenly, I knew my novel had a chance. Just one more hurdle to overcome—convince my wife to be a single parent for six days while I kicked back and followed my dream. Turns out, she's amazing. Not one single word of protest came out of her mouth. Apparently we'd been together long enough for her to finally understand my passion, even if she didn't understand my stories.

So, for a total of $300 ($200 for the hermitage and $100 for the food) and 40 hours of paid time off from work, I set out on a Sunday and made one last run at the thing that I'd literally dreamed about all of my adult life. I was going to re-tell the novel written on my heart. And here's what happened…

Day 1 (Sunday): Snow-covered highways and single-digit temperatures brought me to my fortress of solitude. I arrived optimistic and more than a little nervous. I spent the first few hours unpacking, organizing, reorganizing, and generally "settling in." I spent some time in prayer and some more time walking the grounds to take pictures and familiarize myself with my surroundings. And then, unable to contain my excitement, I sat down to the first chapter. I wrote and edited for four hours that first day, then made myself a simple dinner, read a little Walden, and turned in at 10:30, determined to get a good night's rest before my first full day. Unfortunately, I tossed and turned all stinking night. For a hole in the ground, that place had more noises than a haunted mansion. I really don't know how it sounded like people were walking around upstairs and playing music next door. There was literally no upstairs or next door. The bed was hard and small, three space heaters on full blast weren't enough to keep me from freezing, and my mind would not stop. And did I mention that there were train tracks 200 yards away from my front door, or that the barges on the Mississippi don't shut down at night? Yeah, not a great start.

Day 2: I awoke at 6:30am, made a cup of coffee, a PB&J sandwich (team crunchy, hoorah), some strawberries, and a glass of OJ, and then watched the sun rise over the river. Well, I watched the sun rise through a veil of clouds over the river. But despite the overcast conditions, a fresh bed of snow had fallen, painting a breathtaking backdrop for me to write my Great American Novel. And I spent the next eleven-ish hours doing just that. Writing. Again, a small lunch and dinner, short calls home at 12:30pm and 7:30pm as scheduled, but no Walden. I was in it to win it. Another hour of writing before bed, and it was lights out again by 10:30. Then, another bad night of sleep. My skin was dry and itchy due to the space heaters.

Day 3: 6:30 wake-up. Yummy breakfast (PB/honey/banana sandwich, OJ, coffee), another cloudy sunrise, calls home at the same scheduled times, simple lunch and dinner, and another successful day of writing. I was getting in a serious groove, and all my romanticized notions of afternoon jogs and evening musings were now just distractions that I didn't have time for. Before bed, I boiled water on the stove, which seemed to help the dry air, and thus my itchiness. I slept a little better, but still not great.

Day 4 (Wednesday): THERE'S A REASON PEOPLE CALL IT HUMP DAY. 7:00 wake-up due to sleeping poorly the past few nights, cloudy sunrise, banana/OJ/coffee. No lunch (pistachios and strawberries at some point in the day) and a simple dinner. Calls home at 12:30 and 7:30 as always. I barely got through half the chapters I'd planned. Overall, very bogged down and feeling like this was a mistake even though the work I'd done so far was better than I'd hoped for. In bed by 10pm, and lo-and-behold, I slept BETTER! My brain shut off, I stayed warm, and I slept through most of the night. Hallelujah!

Day 5: What a day. A bright, clear sunrise over the mighty Mississippi. A quick banana/OJ/coffee breakfast while I started in on the day's writing. Another snack lunch and quick family call at 12:30 because I was on such a roll, and I made up for my lack of productivity the day before and then some. I called home at the scheduled 7:30 time to celebrate my news with the family and… nobody answered. I called literally six more times over the next ten minutes. Nothing. My wife knew the scheduled time and she didn't care. She didn't care about me. She didn't care that I was gone. She didn't care if I ever came back. And when she FINALLY called me back FIFTEEN minutes later, she said she didn't realize that it had gotten that late. And she didn't even feel bad that she'd made me wait FIFTEEN minutes! She didn't care! So, obviously, being confined away from one's family in a 200-square-foot hermitage does weird things to a person's mind, which resulted in a less than encouraging phone call. But hey, other than that, a great day.

Day 6: Did I mention that being secluded for prolonged periods does weird things to a person? Well, I rewarded my previous productivity by again sleeping in to seven, and another crystal clear sunrise pulled me from a deep, restful slumber. And then I saw my first sign of life for several days—a little ladybug crawling across the ceiling over my bed. "Hallooo, lady bug!" I said as I wiped the sleep from my eyes. "Or are ye a MANbug?" And I proceeded to have a five-minute conversation with the little guy in an Irish accent. I mean, the ladybug didn't have an Irish accent. Just me. And I resolved at that moment to watch Braveheart and Brave when I got home because the accent had so inspired me that morning. I could do it! Just a handful of chapters left. Let's go!

And then at 1:58 pm, I finished my novel. I could write another blog post on the supreme sense of victory that finishing a novel evokes, but let me just briefly say, "YAAAAHOOOOOOO!" and be done with it. I then spent the rest of the afternoon walking down by the river and FINALLY appreciating the quiet magic of that place devoted to God's majesty ("Be still and know that I am God."). Though, I will say that after a week of creating an alternate reality in my head, I found it impossible to turn off the narrative. I constantly found myself creating conversations, describing poetic scenes, and outlining plots based on everything I saw during my walk. Kind of annoying, really ("You never want to cross the Muddy in the shallow places. The undertow will pull you right under. No, find the deepest spot and paddle like your life depends on it, because it does.").

So here I am, on the evening of day six, writing this blog because when I go home tomorrow, there's NO WAY I'm going to be on my computer. I'm going to cuddle with my family until I squeeze their eyeballs out. But before I wrap things up, let me just share a few final thoughts that I jotted down during my stay here.

1) My location truly was amazing. I've never been somewhere simultaneously so secluded and connected. With trains and barges gliding by at regular intervals, I was constantly reminded of the outside world without being distracted by it. I was a silent observer. It was an introvert's dream.

2) The body isn't meant to be sedentary. I wrote for eleven to twelve hours per day for five days straight. That's around sixty hours, most of which was spent either sitting or lying down, usually in five-hour intervals without changing position. Even with brief sessions of stretching, pushups, etc. each day, my body was absolutely wrecked (anybody know a good physical therapist?). In case you didn't notice, my appetite dwindled, as did my waistline, but I also lost muscle mass, my digestive system was an absolute disaster, and when I went for a walk on that last day, I almost passed out from the sheer lack of cardiovascular health. There IS a reason professional writers only write four to five hours per day. Trust me.

3) What I did was NOT sustainable. Aside from my physical health, my mental health suffered as well. In case you didn't notice, I started having conversations with bugs and getting mad at my wife for being fifteen minutes late to a phone call. And in the latter half of the week, all I wanted to do was quit. I enjoyed the story I was living in, but nothing about it was "fun." It was a constant struggle to keep engaged, and at times, the only thing that kept me going was the promise of deer chili and a Bulleit old fashioned, with which I plan to reward myself right after I finish this blog.

4) I did a lot of counting. Maybe it had something to do with my mild OCD or my seclusion, or maybe it was a coping mechanism to keep myself on track, but I broke down everything possible into fractions and percentages. Half way through the braunschweiger on day two? I'd better slow down. Averaging 2,000 words/hour for the first two days? That means I should finish on time if I write ten hours per day for the next three days. I did more measuring and math in those five days than I'm comfortable admitting.

5) I had everything I needed in those 200 square feet… I think. Like I said, I was only there for a week, but I totally see how those tiny house minimalists make it work. Less to clean. Less to keep track of. More appreciation for what you do have. Then again, I'm not sure I could have fit on that twin bed with my wife and two daughters.

6) I missed a lot of opportunities, but it's okay. As I said, this place is amazing. I could have spent a week just walking the grounds, enjoying the sunrise, and generally observing the VOP Hermitage's "rule" on the plaque that was hanging in the chapel—"Listen well and produce nothing." The problem was, I had come here to produce. And that's what I did. This place can be used for many things, and I plan to come back again.

7) I may not be an extrovert, but man, I miss my family. I really do. There's not a lot more to say about that. I appreciate them. I appreciate their energy. I appreciate the fact that they love me. I appreciate the fact that my wife allowed this whole life-changing retreat happen. And I can't wait to see them.

8) My book is done. I'll send it off to beta-readers one more time. I'll make some adjustments based on their feedback. And then my agent will send it off to publishers. And I'll wait. I don't know what will happen, and that's okay. I edited 80,000 words and wrote 20,000 more over the last five days, and I also grew a lot through the experience. Even if this book doesn't work out, I'm not sure if I'll give up on the dream. Maybe I will, and maybe I won't. Or maybe that dream will just look different than it did before. I don't know. But as my main character says in the final lines of my novel (and I'm paraphrasing because copyright/first rights laws): "A lot of things make a person. And in some ways, nothing does. We are who we are, yesterday, today, and forever. It's simple, really. Live life and regret nothing."

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becausehesmyteacher · 8 years ago

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Journal 03.07.17

LATE ASF IM AWARE So I dreamt of B again, we were sitting on the school bleachers just talking about anime and hockey and everything we havent been able to catch up on. It was amazing, so amazing i wasnt even sad when i woke up instead i was smiling while reminiscing about him. I attended classes as normal; nothing out of the usual happened. I mean during 9th period i stepped out to "go to the restroom" but i actually had to make a few calls to my dad and grandparents to make sure they were at school when it ended bc the school we were playing against was 30 minutes away and the game started 30 minutes after school. To make this clear, I was desperate to go to this game as it was where B is currently teaching and it was a chance to see him; Hes always putting it out there that he likes it way better at my school than where he was hired. Last year was his first year teaching so we were practically his first years. Too bad he got laid off at the end of last year so found a job at a nearby-ish school. So I took the long ride to the school, my grandmother doesn't like the freeway so we took the longest route possible. Luckily, I still got there on time, actually 4 minutes were still left before the game actually began when i stepped into the gym. Before that I was wandering around trying to find the gym since it wasnt labeled atop the door like my school and man the school is beautiful! I wondered how B could despise this place compared to my school. The quad was clean, the field was nearly 2x bigger than ours, and the gym is nicely set up. When I walked in there I saw the coaches who also happen to be my former teachers and right beside them on the bench was B! My heart swelled even if he was so far. I tried to act like i didnt notice when I sat on the far end of the gym. He got up and sat on the opposite end so I was staring at him for probably 30 seconds while asking myself "Am I gutsy? Am i gutsy enough to do that?" As i pondered the idea of going to say hi or perhaps even sitting besides him. I did. I got a burst of courage, Ill most likely never see him again I might as well take the chance. I stepped down from the bleachers and walked to the side that was closest to the doors. When my eyes landed on him I noticed he looked prominently different. When i had him last year he always kept his hair gelled up and his scruff shaved. But now he slicks back his hair and grew out his scruff to a beard. Not duck dynasty long but long enough for it to appear as a beard. I yelled him name and he looked over and he smiled. A smile i havent seen in nearly half a year. It was honestly the most beautiful thing ive seen in a while. I sat beside him and fist bumped him asking how he was doing. He say he was "eh" and in turn asked how Im doing as well. I said this year sucks, and that i hate it. His face contorted to look really concerned and asked whats the matter. I smiled and just wrote it off. Remember how I said this school was beautiful compared to my own? Well i confronted him about it and he went "Sure the school LOOKS nice but the kids are something else..." We both laughed at that and oh man I missed that. I missed us having moments together. The game started and he went "GO (my school)!!" His coworkers sighed, like theyve heard that repeatedly on a day to day basis. He turned to me and admitted that this was the first basketball game the whole year he attended. I asked him why if he always went when he used to teach at my school. He told me that he didnt care THAT much and its difficult since their games start nearly 2 hours after the end of school. At my school its only 30 minutes after. Kind of sad considering its a playoff game and its end of regular season. But Im glad he attended this one, its the only away game i considered attending for the sake of seeing him again. Throughout the game we talked about the players and how he had most of them, anime, and sports (ah fitting, no?). He remembered every single students he had on the team, he even texted the coaches to tell them to put his former students on the team. I couldnt tell if he was joking or not because he pulled out his phone and text messaging app but i turned away to keep from being nosy. I dont know how but i found a way to bring up how i finished a couple anime over a few weeks. He also finished a mutual anime and it turns out hes finishing up an anime i barely started. It has like 750 episodes fucken nerd i swear. I changed subject and poked fun at him and asked whats the difference between the students at my school and the ones over here. He sighed and was frank, "The kids here have no personality! They dont care about anything! Not sports, not video games, not anime! Like at your school you guys at least liked SOMETHING. You know how we have spirit week right? Well one of the days was sports day and barely anyone wore anything! Even on the Superbowl day no one cared!" I was surprised he cared that much about how students act, enough to be surprised no one cared for a sport he didnt enjoy. He rambled on and told me in highschool he used to play baseball and was the pitcher. He told me he hasnt really played since then so his aim must be bad but man that image of him as a baseball player is so cool. He is so cool. We talked about basketball (we were attending one after all) and i told him about how i played on an opposing team against these girls after school for fun and that theyre scary and aggresive even if theyre your friends. He laughed and agreed, he said that if he played these girls he would probably lose as well. That was the main points i could remember but we talked about miscellaneous things throughout and inbetween. I loved every second, his voice is the most beautiful thing ive heard in my life. And before I knew it the game was over, we lost by about 20 points, we were out of the playoffs. I shouldve been sad or frustrated but i wasnt! I walked down the bleachers with him with a smile on both of our faces. We stood in front of the bleachers and my current english teacher came up to us and joined our conversation. She laughed when she saw him and teased at him beard and hair. I wouldve been jealous but shes a middle aged woman that is married with children versus him whose single and in his 20s. I fist bumped her as well and i joked about "humanization" (a dumb joke about a meeting the teachers had about how if you interact with the students like handshakes or fistbumps will """humanize""" us students) B didnt get it so my english teacher explained and he was like "thats dumb lmao" and hes just the cutest man. We all talked for a bit before parting ways. He went out the side entrance and I went out the front entrance but just before we hit the door i saw him glacing at me before i looked back at him and waved my hand up high and yelled "It was nice seeing you B!" and he yelled back waving that it was nice that he saw me as well. I walked out and called my parents but couldnt come for another hour or so since they were at a casino that was a far distance. So i decided to explore the school since it was so pretty. I circled the building and i was singing loudly because i was so happy. I reached the back entrance and I made eye contact with a couple making out who was just staring at me because i was signing so loudly. I went silent for like 3 seconds then burst into laughter and yelled out "WHO CARES??" to myself and I began singing again. I never felt this content in my life. I reached the field and stood in one of the baseball fields they had and imagined B pitching a ball. I held onto that image for a while, there was no one in the field afterall so I was alone in my thoughts. I finally got up after a while and walked around the field and i was still bursting with energy due to being so overfilled with happiness i began running laps! Laps! You guys dont understand how un-athletic i am and to run laps voluntarily is rare. I ended up running 2 and a half laps. When i got tired i flopped down in the middle of the field and looked at the stars since it was practically night now. You could see more stars on this side of town than where i lived. It was amazing. I picked up one of those wish flowers and blew it with nothing in mind. This was the first time I couldnt think of anything to wish for. All ive been wishing for for these past months came true and i was the happiest girl alive at the moment. I whispered to him as if he were beside me, "I'm in love with you." I could swear my heart swelled 10x as big today. I havent seen him in months, 5 months to be exact, and seeing him revived feelings that were always going strong but just needed that little spark. Today the little spark was ignited. And i cant stop smiling now.

#journal #b #teacher crush #teacher crush community #tc #tcc #sorry for putting it in these tag guys but i hope you guus understand how happy I am right now #plus this journal was only supposed to be like 4 paragraphs but i got caught up in the memories

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remembermemorablememories · 7 years ago

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Friday, March 9, 2018

post #60

main points:

- uploaded vlog 61

- backed up phone photos

- reminisced in older photos

- took sister to play/errands

- worked on mobile app dev homework

today i:

- woke up to my mom calling my phone, around 10:30. she said she was stopping by wawa so she wanted to ask if i wanted any for lunch. i of course said yes and asked for a turkey club sandwich and some mac and cheese

- got out of bed and ate brunch and finished around like 11:30am ish. my mom and i briefly talked about the thing in china with the president’s possible life long term

- spent about 30 minutes getting the finishing touches on the vlog (like description, youtube annotations, etc). i published it this morning around 12pm ish

- i spent like an hour and a half trying to upload my phone photos onto my computer, trying to get that sorted out was a pain. i had to use the Photo Transfer app to download a specific album from my phone to the computer (i’ve used it before like two years ago when i last had an iphone). but the videos weren’t working. so i had to use my old python script i wrote like two months ago to whitelist the videos in the album, import the entire camera roll, and, going through the whitelist, move the video files from the imported entire camera roll to the correct folder. it was a bit of a hassle

- while i was moving these photos i decided to look at some old photos and videos from like sophomore year. i’m glad that there’s so many random photos and videos of stuff that happened.

- finished this at like 3pm, and then decided to start on my mobile app dev thing. i was tasked with refactoring a hangman app with fragments instead of actual views. it didn’t seem too bad, which means i had a hard time getting focused on it. i had a lot of random stuff come up too

- nintendo switch smash hype (announced yesterday)

- dance videos to “can’t stop this feeling” by JT

- fortnite gameplay videos

- bitcoin taxes

- tax returns

- around 4:30pm i had relatively little done for my hw but i had to take my sister to her play she was student directing at the middle school. we stopped by wawa on the way so that she could have her dinner there. i dropped her off and then got back around like 5:15pm.

- i conversed with my dad for a bit about housing/subletting plans for this summer (trying to find a sublet for my apt, plans to move in next semester/when)

- went back up around like 6pm and wasted more time on the internet (mostly fb and messenger). i also watched an old vlog or two. i guess a lot of reminiscing today huh

- ate dinner with my mom and dad, we talked about some plans for next winter, my classes in CSDS

- washed the dishes and then went to pick up my sister from her play at 8:49pm.

- got back around like 9:15pm. she said that the play was pretty chaotic cause middle schoolers kept losing track of where they were putting props. :’(

- came upstairs and finally started slowly chipping away at the hangman app around 9:45/10pm ish. i had to familiarize myself with how to use fragments and such but after i got the hang of it, it wasn’t too bad refactoring everything else.

- i finished it around 12:30am, then wasted some more time on youtube. slowly cleaning up my code and finally committing around 1am

- i spent the past hour switching email clients, showering, and now i’m ready to go to sleep at 2:22am

last day of spring break :o time to get back to work

also i had some great feedback on the vlog i posted. it’s got like 30 likes/reactions from people which is a lot more than it usually gets. it made me happy but i also feel like i could’ve made it better. i didn’t record enough in the latter half of the week and i kind of just threw something together that made it pretty anti climatic...

okay good night

#post #march #2018

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caitlinmsiegel-blog · 8 years ago

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Race Updates

So I am really bad at this blogging thing. Since I last wrote I have done a couple 5ks and Nashville Marathon. Lets talk about the good things first.

I had a 5k the Friday before I left for Nashville. It happened to be right down the street from my house, so in a last minute taper madness, I signed up for it. I never realized how difficult it is to taper. I kept thinking “is this what normal people do with their lives.” I cannot imagine not getting in a long run on the weekend or not being able to put in miles when I want. One of the things I love about running is my ability to leave the house on a 3 mile run and turn it into an 8 mile run if I feel good. There were so many times I wanted to do this, but I couldn’t. Anyway back to the event. It was a cold and gloomy Friday night and I was regretting signing up for the race the day before. I decided to run up to the race and ended up doing a mile warm-up. When I got there and toed that line I felt great, I was ready to take off and give it my all. Looking back in retrospect this probably wasn’t the most appropriate time to run a hard 5k. The gun went off and we were gone. I felt fantastic and I was at the front-ish of the pack running a 7:30 pace. I felt like I was floating on clouds and it was just effortless. A girl started running with me and decided to start talking to me. During a race isn’t the most ideal time to be holding a conversation with me. At first I was kind of aggravated, but then I realized that we were maintaining an incredible pace and this girls conversation was helping me fight the pain. We decided to stay together during the race and talked about where we were from, our interests, and our running ambitions (all while maintaining an 8:05 pace). I realized about a mile from the finish that I was on pace to hit under 25 minutes. Shit I was on pace to hit under 24 minutes! As we turned in to take on that last mile, the wind picked up and we turned onto a nearby golf course. I immediately saw the rolling hills throughout the golf course and lost faith. Around 2.5 miles I told her to take off ahead of me because I was starting to struggle. She left me and I toned back my pace. I got out of the golf course and realized the finish wasn’t that far off. I was running and I turned the corner to see the finish line just in the distance. It read 24:32 and I knew that I had 28 seconds to make it that last .1 miles. You would think this was impossible but according to my Suunto I kicked up my pace to a 5:45 for the last .1 miles. I did not even know my body was capable of such things. My dad was standing at the finish line waiting for me to come through. He knew that my goal has always been to get my 5k under 25 minutes. He told me when I was running through the finish line there was a fire in my eyes unlike anything he has ever seen. That desire, passion, excitement was exhilarating. I crossed the finish line in 24:58 for a new PR, having finally completed my goals of finishing a sub 25 minute 5k.

Now for the bad and the ugly. That race completely destroyed my body. Over the weekend I was sore and aching. I didn’t want to run or do anything. I knew I had a marathon that coming Saturday, so when Monday arrived I dragged my feet out for a run. My calves burned with every step I took. I just had to hope that as the week progressed it would get better. I got a massage and had the therapist work on my gluts, hamstrings, and calves, but nothing seemed to help. Saturday came and I was ready to race no matter how I felt. I just kept hoping that the adrenaline would take over and my body would feel better. This did not happen. Many things went wrong during the marathon in Nashville. Looking back I would have changed a lot of things. I was seeded in corral 18. This was about half way back in the pack. There was over 40,000 runners at this event. My dad and I tossed around the idea of getting a corral change, but in my heart I hate doing that. I don’t like lying about my pace to get moved up, I feel like you have to earn that position. However I wish the other 39,999 people racing that day felt the same way. It was apparent right at the start that no one had seeded themselves properly. Almost immediately within the first 2 miles people were walking. I was supposed to be seeded with 4:30 marathoners and 2:15 half marathoners. In my opinion there is no way you can finish a half in 2:15 and be walking two miles in. I was dodging people left and right. I couldn’t get a good stride going because people kept stopping right in front of me. On top of everything else it was HOT. At the start of the race it was around 78 degrees. By the end of the race it was 86 degrees. I remember feeling angry around mile 16 in my first marathon. The anger took over almost immediately this time around. I was angry from my mile 1-11. At mile 9 I wanted to quit. I rounded a corner and saw my mom standing there yelling my name. I started crying and ran up to her and told her I didn’t think I could do it. She reassured me that I could and told me to just keep going. The rest of the race I just kept thinking “It doesn’t matter how slow you go, as long as you don’t stop”. Mile 11 was my saving grace. The marathon course split off from the half marathon course and there were only 5 people around me. It went from a group of cattle running shoulder to shoulder to finally having some breathing room. Before the race I toyed with the idea of running in my sports bra. I came to the conclusion that I wasn’t fully comfortable with my body to do this and wore a shirt. At mile 11 I didn’t care about anyone else anymore. Running in my sports bra wasn’t for anyone else, it was for my personal comfort. I took off my shirt and immediately felt revitalized. It was the most freeing feeling to let my body breathe and not be constrained by my shirt or my fear. The rest of the way was pretty uneventful. I kept my legs moving, and ran up until mile 20. With the hot temperatures I took in a lot of water and Gatorade and kept my body cool by pouring water on my head at every aid station. At mile 20 it became real. I was about to finish my second marathon. This felt amazing because of the stress I felt at the beginning. I thought I would never make it. At one point my shoes were feeling tight and I decided to stop and retie them so they would be slightly looser (I believe my feet were swelling from the heat). I was approaching the 21.8 mile marker when I see police officers standing there putting up traffic barriers. People were still running straight so I kicked it up and tried to make it to them. A couple people in front of me the police stopped and told them to turn around. They told us they were shutting down the course and we had to run back in. I was shocked. I tried to get around them but they would not let anyone around the barricade. This cut the course for us putting us 3.2 miles short of a marathon distance. It hit me that even though I fought through all that training and mental anguish, I was not going to complete this marathon. I was completely heart broken. I ran in that final 1.2 miles. During that time everyone around me that had also been turned around was crying, yelling, and cursing Rock N Roll Marathons. How could they do this to us so close to the finish line. I eventually realized that it was out of my control and I just wanted to be done. I crossed the finish line with my head held high and knew that even though I didn’t complete the distance I came to do, I fought tooth and nail in that heat and didn’t give up. That was an accomplishment in its own. I was disappointed, but I have no room in my life for negative thoughts and energy. I could let what happened in that race totally consume me. I could be pissed and write a negative review on facebook. However, I choose to let it go. I choose to move on and think about my next race. I choose to look at what I did that day as an accomplishment. Most people would have stopped, but I didn’t, I pushed on.

Now I am back training for Bryce Canyon 50k. This is going to be one of the hardest races I have ever took on. I am excited, nervous, and above all thankful everyday that I have the ability to attempt such amazing races.

So I will keep you updated. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next day, but I’ll be back to write about my race adventures, because for me this is what life is all about and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

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