#i wrote tags at like 4 am so i have no memory

[skitskatdacat63]

Nando being silly in S2E2 of his doc 🥺

[sanakiras]

LIAR, LIAR!

PAIRING — kim mingyu x fem!reader

❝ AND THE DANCE FLOOR IS FILLING UP WITH BLOOD, BUT OH LORD, YOU’VE NEVER BEEN SO IN LOVE! ❞

WORD COUNT — 13.5k

SYNOPSIS — in a dramatic turn of events, a rich businessman is found dead in his lavish estate, and the authorities believe it was no accident. as the detectives dig deeper, they ultimately end up with two key suspects: you, the businessman’s very own daughter, and your sworn enemy, kim mingyu. as the time progresses, tensions rise and secrets spill — and the truth has the power to either bring you closer together or tear you apart.

TAGS — murder mystery, rich rivals to partners in crime to lovers, whole lotta plot, explicit sexual content, somewhat graphic depictions of death, everyone and everything is dysfunctional™, mentions of suicide, unrealistic circumstances, moral compass is nowhere to be found, angst, medium long hair!gyu bc self-indulgence, tsundere-ish reader again guys sorry i love her so bad, mentions of parental neglect, this ended up so long help

♪ verydeadly - wolves (kanye west cover),, low - dancing and blood,, vessel - red sex,, florence + the machine - mermaids,, zayn - bordersz,, mikky ekko - who are you, really?,, q - alone,, danna paola - tenemos que hablar,, blue foundation - eyes on fire (4 ave version),, summer camp - i want you

NOTE — one of my favorite episodes of going seventeen remains bad clue 2020, i loved mingyu’s role in it and i could totally see him portraying darker/morally grey characters and rock tf out of it so. i wrote this solely based on that idea. the music recs above are also really nice to get into the vibe! enjoyyyy :D

[ RETURN TO PART ONE ] ✧˚ · .⋆ ★ [ TWO ]

viii. I LOVE YOU LIKE A DRUG

november has a harsh cold to it that goes right through the skin of your cheeks. with your long black coat and matching gloves, you walk through the city, heading towards your lawyer’s office.

it’s been a few days since you last saw or talked to mingyu. you’ve been thinking about the kiss constantly, unable to stop it from clouding your mind. it’s hard to believe you hated his guts for years and completely changed your opinion on him within months — he took you by surprise on that. which you’re not sure how you feel about.

it’s as if his handprints were etched into your skin. you can still remember exactly how it felt, where they were. more importantly, perhaps, you know what your mind keeps leading to when the memory runs through your head.

that you want nothing more than for him to put his hands on you again. you want him so much that you have to clench your fists and tell yourself to get it together.

the universe must like to mess with you, as you receive a text from him at that exact moment. stopping in your tracks on the street, you’re just about to read it when you feel a hand on your shoulder.

once you’ve looked up from your phone, you see the devil himself standing there with a meek little smile on his face, which has you scoffing when he greets you. “hi.”

his dark hair is slicked back as he sports a thick winter jacket, jeans and black shoes. god, he’s handsome. why is he so annoying?

instead of responding to his greeting, you just speak your mind. “what’re you doing here?”

“chan mentioned you had an appointment in the neighborhood, so here i am. i wanted to see you.”

“why?”

“what, am i not allowed to visit my partner in crime?”

you purse your lips. “i thought we both agreed on discretion regarding our relationship.”

“and what kind of relationship is that?”

“an understanding.” your response comes out colder than anticipated, but you stick with it. “look, gyu, what we did… we probably shouldn’t do it again.”

he seems surprised. and a little disappointed, which he hides very quickly, but not quick enough.

so he pouts at you, doing his best not to dwell on it. “okay. any particular reason?”

you inhale sharply, trying to give him the best possible excuse you can come up with. “we agreed to keep it professional, didn’t we?”

“we did.” he nods, speaking in a way as if he were focusing on something else. “is that all there is to it? or do you have another reason?”

his gaze is playful, which makes you smile as you look down at your feet for a moment. “i’m sure you can fill the blanks.”

“interesting choice of words.”

“god, you’re such a perv.”

mingyu laughs when you punch his shoulder, his hand comfortable on your lower back. you don’t swat it away, utterly contradicting your previous words, but you can’t find it in yourself to care that much.

two days later, you’re over at his apartment, continuing your research where you left off last week, and you’re not sure if you’re imagining things, but it feels like there is a palpable tension in the air. soft rain taps against the windows while you’re looking at some security footage his friend seungkwan sent over about an hour ago.

with the two of you sitting beside eachother as you’re looking at the screen of your laptop, you find it difficult to focus on the footage, because you feel electrified by his mere presence. it’s ridiculous. he accidentally brushes your knee with your hand, and you feel a rush going through your body. a candle is lit on the table — his tan skin looks beyond beautiful, his brown eyes piercing through yours like never before.

you want him.

you. want. him. and no one else.

it’s driving you nuts, and as if he can read your mind, he begins to talk about it.

“i haven’t been able to stop thinking about our kiss.”

while the footage keeps playing in the background, you bite your lip, sucking in a breath. “gyu.” you say his name in a near scolding manner.

“do you like me?” he suddenly turns his head to face you, which feels borderline intrusive. like he’s able to see everything that’s going on in your head and heart.

it steals your breath, making your voice sound somewhat strained as a result, and you can’t even bring yourself to lie about it any longer. “i might.”

“i like you. a lot.” he says, and when you think he’s getting closer to you, you stand up from your seat, doing whatever you need to do to get it back together. you don’t want him to know how you really feel, so you clench your fists in your place, your back facing him.

“what does it matter? we’re nothing more than partners. that’s all there is to it.”

as you shake your head to yourself, he gets up as well, moving to stand behind you. “is that why you kissed me?”

“it was just the heat of the moment.”

“you’re a good liar — but not that good.” mingyu shamelessly eyes your body up and down, and when you look over your shoulder, he meets your gaze with something that appears to resemble pride, in a way.

arrogance, perhaps.

for whatever reason, that ticks something off in you. “you want me to be honest? fine. i don’t want to like you, mingyu. i didn’t want to enjoy that kiss. i’ve spent years hating you to the bone, and changing that opinion on you feels like betraying myself.”

he blinks at your sudden and blunt confession, but it’s honest and clear to him.

then he nods in understanding.

“just… hypothetically, if i said i wanted to kiss you again, what would you do?”

you notice a clear difference in his tone, his breathing, his eyes dropping down to your lips — oh, he’s fucking turned on. he knows you want him as badly as he wants you. you both know it.

“i’d tell you it was a one-time thing.”

he gets closer to you, eyelids hanging low and the hint of that damn smirk tugging at his mouth. “how about one more? for good measure. just to get our rocks off.”

the proposition is almost laughable, yet you selfishly find yourself agreeing. “just once?”

“just once.” the palm of his hand cups your jaw, and you know you’re done for when you lean in first, causing him to smile triumphantly right before his lips lock with yours.

this is what you’ve both been yearning for the past week. now that you have it, it feels like drugs, almost — addicting.

you kiss him with vigor, and his tongue slips into your mouth, leaving you aching for more. it’s when his hand pulls you closer by your waist that you force yourself to back away from him, both you and him gasping for air.

“gyu, we were supposed to—”

“keep things professional, i know,” he breathes out, his forehead resting against yours as if he has to make the biggest decision of his life, “but i don’t want to anymore.”

his hands are still on your waist, trailing down to the flesh of your upper legs, and he squeezes it, feeling sick at the idea of someone touching you there that’s not him.

“need you so bad. please — let me touch you.”

looking at his desperate form for a moment, you internally decide to go for whatever your body wants — and that’s to have him tonight.

so you roll your eyes, pulling him to you by his black t-shirt, your hands on the back of his neck before he can comprehend it. he hoists you up by the back of your thighs, taking you to his spacious bedroom.

your back touches the soft bed within seconds. his hands continue to glide up and down your body, and he subtly puts his one hand underneath the hem of your shirt, fingers touching your warm skin, and you almost forget to breathe.

mingyu feels your fingers pulling at the waistband of his jeans, and he relishes in how eager you are. he kisses your neck and moves lower painfully slowly, causing you to writhe underneath him, because you need him now.

it’s certainly a first for you to have such a need and desperation to fuck someone. and for him, of all people. if you had known about this in the morning, you wouldn’t have believed it.

but then again, the tension has been brewing between you two for years, reaching its highest point over the last couple weeks.

maybe he was onto something when he suggested for you to fuck him back in the strip club.

his lips are touching your bare stomach, and you show a hint of dominance by undoing the buttons of your pants and shoving down your panties, putting your hand on his head to guide it between your legs.

and he just lets you.

he takes your pants and underwear from your ankles and discards the pieces on the floor, hands on the back of your thighs once more as he pushes them to lean over his shoulders.

the first few seconds are spent basking in his excitement. his heart races when he looks you in the eye, and he grins to himself before diving in.

for some reason, he feels this primal urge to prove himself to you, to make you feel good like no one ever has before.

whatever the hell it is that made him have such a massive change of heart, he doesn’t know.

but he does know one thing — he worships the ground you walk on.

so to hear you gasp and whine for him when he eats you out only spurs him on to keep going, to make it dirtier and messier and keep having you moan his name.

mingyu encourages you to pull on his hair, and with each strand being pulled, he grows harder in his pants. he moans at the pain, humming against your pussy while his tongue is buried inside you.

you’re grinding against his face and he hums again, loving the feeling. “rub it in my face, baby, ‘s so good—” he babbles as his cock is rock-hard and throbbing against the fabric of his jeans, and he rubs his hard-on against the matress to get any kind of friction.

over the course of the years, even while hating him, you wondered if he was good in bed.

you didn’t think your question was going to be answered by first-hand experience.

he’s not only sickeningly good at providing pleasure — he seems to get off on it, too. your fingers clamp on his long strands of hair, thighs around his head, almost suffocating him, and even when you hit your first climax, he just keeps going. his tongue moves as if you’re not completely crumbling before him.

with a sudden sensitivity hitting you, you have to pull his face from your pussy, and he looks at you with lust-blown eyes and your wetness smeared over his lips and chin.

yeah, you fucking like him. jesus.

the little fang-shaped teeth he has show themselves when he grins at the mess he’s made of you. “want me to go again?”

“would you?”

“i’d keep going for hours if that’s what you want.”

pressing your lips together, you inhale deeply, ‘cause he looks like he means it, too. “well, as great as that sounds, i want you in me. now.”

he would’ve had a damn field trip eating you out again, but he certainly won’t complain, because he’s about to bust in his pants from just looking at you. his eyes return to your figure when you take your shirt off, dick twitching when you unclasp your lacy bra and show your completely bare body to him.

“are you just gonna keep staring?” you ask teasingly, and he needs a few seconds to get his brain running again, chuckling at your words before he removes his own clothes, pushing you back to lay you down.

“can’t help that i like what i see.”

you’re about to give him a witty retort in return when you feel the tip of his cock at the entrance of your hole, pushing forward just the slightest bit, and your lashes flutter at the sensation. he bites his lower lip at the feeling, a sudden intensity hitting the both of you.

then he pushes himself inside, inch by inch, achingly slowly. your brows scrunch together and you throw your head back, manicured nails digging into his bedsheets.

“hah—gyu—” you mumble, tension setting into your shoulderblades as he stretches you open, and you’re so tight that he feels just as suffocated as you do.

“fuck, you’re fucking tight.” he huffs out, utterly savoring your wetness wrapping around him. “can i keep going?”

at hearing the question, a breathy laugh escapes you. “how fucking big are you to have to ask that?”

“well, ‘m only halfway in right now, baby.”

fucking hell. the look on your face is borderline horrified, because jesus, you’re gonna need to adjust to him.

he lowers his chest to hover above yours, and your hands immediately move to his back, nails aching to dig into his skin. he’s only focused on your face now, and he pushes himself in all the way, watching your face contort in pain and pleasure.

your body stiffens for a second before it relaxes, and he has to hold down the urge to start moving. “that’s it. took me all the way in,” he mutters, and you nod to yourself, accidentally clamping down on him, at which he groans.

the first movements are small, slow — gentle. you release long, dragged-out moans that are the single hottest thing he’s ever heard. but he needs more, needs to get rid of the little voice in his head to fuck you hard and stupid.

he pulls out almost entirely before slamming back in, and the erotic whine you let out is just too good to his ears.

so he does it again, again, again. he fucks you to the point a different part of him takes over, ruthlessly seeking the pleasure and pain that gets him off like nothing else. he likes it fast, hard, and deep, and by the looks of it, you do too.

you’re clinging onto him with every thrust, every kiss, every moan, and he loves it.

mingyu moans, eyebrows knitted together as he’s hypnotized by the feeling of himself sheathed all the way inside you. “take it — take my fucking cock.”

“mhm. a little harder — please?” you beg, and if he wasn’t in love with you yet, he certainly is now. how on earth do you look as gorgeous as you do whilst half fucked-out, still needing more?

naturally, he gives in to you, doing whatever you ask of him. he fucks you harder, his grip on your waist tightening with each thrust.

you come to one conclusion — you don’t think anyone’s ever fucked you this good.

his mouth latches onto your tits, sucking at your nipples, and you bring his head up to kiss him again. it’s sloppy, and his movements begin to slow a little, your wetness dripping down his cock. “god, you’re fucking perfect.”

“want more, gyu. i want you to cum in me.”

“you—” he stutters out, “you want it?”

nodding at him, you even push yourself against him, his cock sinking just a little deeper into you.

so he fucks you as hard as he can until he feels himself hitting that blissful climax, continuing to roll his hips and stuff you as full of him as possible. then he sits up with a thin layer of cold sweat on his back, and he pulls himself out as slowly as he entered you, watching drops of cum seep out of your hole.

“so much for professional.” you breathe out, after which you both chuckle, and he leans in to kiss you again, and you get on top of him, taking charge, and he shivers in anticipation.

the night becomes an increasing blur with every kiss, every touch, every thrust — it’s hard to say what time it is or how many times you’ve gone at it when you finally let yourself sink into a deep sleep.

when you wake up beside him in the morning, you watch his sleeping form, your heart flutters.

it’s bizarre how he’s made you feel a kind of love you didn’t even know existed before. a feeling of great complexity and intensity that’s settled deep into your gut whenever he’s near.

as if he’s become a part of you that you can’t let go.

checking your phone, you know it’s time to get up, since you’ve got an important agenda today. yet when you try to silently slip away from his bed, you feel a warm hand on yours.

“don’t go.” he pleads, his voice lower and raspier than usual from sleeping. there’s a certain desperation in his now open eyes, and it affects you.

“i have to. appointments i can’t cancel, you know what that’s like—”

but he’s not talking about your day.

“i’m afraid of people leaving me,” he suddenly admits with a shaky tone, “and i like what we have. i like you. i guess i’m scared that… this was just a one-time thing, ‘cause it wasn’t for me. i don’t want to go back to what we were before all of this.”

processing his words, you nod, touching his cheek, reassuring him. “it wasn’t a one-time thing for me, either. you have me, i promise.”

“okay.” he gently smiles at you, his fingers caressing yours, and you lean in to press a kiss onto his lips, which he immediately reciprocates.

you give him a quick goodbye after putting your clothes on, and he’s left smiling to himself in bed while you walk out of his apartment with the same expression.

but you should know by now that all good things come to an end — one way or another.

ix. WHO ARE YOU, REALLY?

the two weeks since your first time sleeping together have been nothing but excitingly ignorant bliss. in between his meetings and family commitments and your meetings regarding your father’s business relations, you’ve been meeting eachother in the middle at every opportunity, the investigation of your father’s death fading into the background bit by bit, getting lowered on your list of priorities.

none of your friends are aware of your relationship – since it’s a secret, and neither of you have really labelled it yet – as far as you know, anyway.

being with him is comfortable to you, and surprisingly enough, he’s the first person who’s made you feel like you could breathe properly after the chaos that your father’s death caused.

“do you really have to go out at this hour?”

“yeah, unfortunately.” he presses a kiss to your lips before pulling his shirt on while you’re still naked on his bed. “i’ll be back as soon as i can, but you don’t have to wait for me, okay? it’s probably gonna take a while.”

with a sigh, you nod, pouting a little. “okay. i’ll probably go take a shower and head home after.”

he kisses the top of your head this time, and it all feels awfully domestic.

but it’s a good feeling.

mingyu takes in the sight of your bare face and body covered in nothing but his sheets, and he feels like things were meant to be like this. like you two were always indirectly tied together, and now this is your reality.

“you’re allowed to stay as long as you want. i’ll call you later, baby, yeah?” he hums against your lips, and you nod, wanting nothing more than to pull his shirt off and drag him back into bed with you.

“mhm. you should go, or you’ll be late.”

he chuckles, his mouth grazing the top of your hand before he exits the room, slinging his bag over his shoulder and leaving you alone in his apartment.

after taking a short nap, you decide to get up and take a quick shower.

this might be the first time you’re completely on your own in his place — so you feel like checking out what he’s got lying around here.

it’s not because you don’t trust him, truly. you just like to snoop around a little, out of curiosity.

you peek into his drawers, his closet, his personal things, except for what he’s got kept under lock and key.

what intrigues you are the clear scratches on the floor by the cupboard. everything in his apartment is perfectly clean and clearly well taken care of, so this makes you raise a brow.

you figure the scratches were made by moving the cupboard to the side, so you do the same thing, trying to see if there’s a particular reason for it.

it’s hard to contain a scoff once you lay your eyes on what is apparently hiding behind it.

a safe hidden behind a cupboard. seriously? did he take inspiration from your father’s office or something? this is starting to get a bit weird.

the safe seems to require a code with six digits to be unlocked, and since the system and mechanics seem on the older side, you doubt it would send off any signals if someone tried out a wrong code.

biting your lip, you give in to your curiosity, and try out a few codes.

a popular choice for codes are always birthdays, often loved ones, and since mingyu is a complete softie in that regard, you figure it might be worth trying out.

you remember his father’s birthday from the tombstone at the graveyard where your father was buried as well. his mother celebrated her birthday last week, so that’s easy.

unfortunately, neither of the codes work.

fuck, what was his sister’s birthday again? you don’t remember. then an idea pops up in your head – she probably made a birthday post on social media at some point. you search the username and scan her profile, and within a minute, you’ve found it.

with your phone in hand, eyes going from the screen to the rotating dials, you enter the code, and the sound of a clicking lock causes your heartbeat to quicken.

it worked.

throwing your phone onto the bed, you open the safe, several items catching your eye.

there’s quite some things in there considering it’s such a small space. some stacks of money, a few vials with clear liquids in them, a gun, a passport with his photo but a different name – what the fuck is this? his backup plan to start a new life in case he needs it? that’s close to paranoid, especially for a guy who seemingly has no enemies.

behind the piles of dollar bills, you find a few old-fashioned cassette recorders stacked up, each of them numbered from one to ten.

as your curiosity gets the better of you once more, you take the recorders out of the safe and put them on the floor, where you sit down to listen to whatever’s on them.

you click the button at the back of the device, noise beginning to crack through the small speaker.

“i know recording myself confessing to something as grave as this could be my downfall, but… it’s something i need to get off my chest. i need to.” your hear him inhale sharply. “i’m setting a plan in motion that will lead to someone’s death. it’s not something i’m proud of, but he’s threatening my family. i don’t know what else to do.”

your eyes widen as you listen to the rest of the tape. he’s talking about killing your father, using a poison to take him out. once it’s finished, you look for the second tape with shaky fingers.

“getting it done shouldn’t be hard. the real issue is having an alibi, and if necessary, i need someone to put the blame on. the death of someone as important as him will draw attention, so should they assume he didn’t die of natural causes, they’re gonna want to convict someone. i can only think of one person who fits the criteria — his daughter.”

it’s like the confirmation you’ve been waiting for. this is what he’s been hiding all this time. of course he didn’t want to help you without an ulterior motive.

your heart breaks the moment he says it. just how much of a fool have you been?

“we’ve always hated eachother. looking back, i’m not sure how it started, but it did. she’s the only one who could have a solid motive. i don’t want to frame her, or anyone for that matter, but if the police decide it’s not an accident, i’ll have no other choice. maybe her lawyer can find a way around it.”

tape three.

“the plan is to pretend i have a lead on the killer when i’m actually planting fake evidence to make her seem like the culprit. i talked to her in the graveyard today, but she completely lashed out at me. it’s hard to tell who she hates more — me, her father, or herself. though i didn't know her hatred for me ran this deep, nor that she was this lonely. i kind of feel for her.”

tape four.

“she just agreed to be my date to the gala next week, though she's certainly not thrilled about it. understandably so, i guess. she's quite intimidating when she’s mad. maybe i should take notes, seeing how she always stands so firmly on business.”

tape five.

“i didn’t think she’d go as far as to go through my room. she’s more determined than i gave her credit for. god, i could barely keep it together when she said whoever killed her father did her a favor. it’s maybe the only good thing about this whole mess. i wanted to scream, tell her that it was me who did her that favor.”

tape six.

“leave it to her to interrupt a stripper’s lap dance and take me with her instead. the man taking money out of her father’s account was hired by me — i needed to subtly prove to her that it couldn’t have been me, ‘cause i was at the other side of the city when it happened. i was curious to see if she’d take the bait, and she did. she mentioned something about wanting someone who would let her be… uninhibited. it scared and surprised me; mostly because i want the exact same.”

tape seven.

“we broke into her father’s office together. it was… thrilling. exciting. she keeps surprising me with how daring she is. somewhere underneath that hard surface hides someone who’s aching for adventure, i think. maybe we’re more similar than i thought. and she’s so clever, i just—i like her. like, platonically, of course. we work well together. i should probably be more careful, try not to get too close. who knows what that might lead to.”

tape eight.

“i kissed her. i fucking kissed her. well, she kissed me first, but… i kept it going. not just a little peck, no, a full-on makeout session. it was… the type of kiss they talk about in the romance novels. i’ve never felt that big of a need to kiss someone before. and she’s so gorgeous, too. i wonder if she’s thinking about it as much as i am right now.”

tape nine.

“wonwoo says i have feelings for her, in a way. i… i feel like there’s no going back if i acknowledge it. but there's something about her, it's like... i'm not sure. like she and i are on the same wavelength. we’re so different yet so similar.”

tape ten.

“the police are tightening their grip. they wanna name the culprit, and fast. i’ve thought of turning myself in, but i’ll ruin the family name if i do that. my mom and sister will be cast out if that happens. and then there’s… her. god, she’s become so special to me. i can’t go through with it — i can’t. the idea of losing her makes me feel suffocated. fuck, i don’t know what to do.”

and just like that, you close your eyes for a moment.

everything falls into place.

putting the final tape to the side, your cheeks are wet from the tears that have been silently rolling down your cheeks ever since you hit the first play button.

he doesn’t really like you — of course he doesn’t. he’s just using you for his own gain, to cover up his crime.

it’s then that the heavy sobs come out. you utterly fall apart, feeling weak and manipulated and alone.

terrifyingly alone, more than ever before.

but you force yourself to stop crying by telling yourself that you won’t allow him to use you anymore. you need to be steps ahead of him now that he’s not aware of you knowing this information, so you wipe your tears away and play all the tapes again, but this time with your phone making recordings of each one of them.

overcome by your emotions, you feel ready to throw up.

whatever you’re about to do, it’ll probably come back to bite you in the ass later, but you don’t care. not anymore. everything’s already gone to hell anyways.

when mingyu arrives at his apartment a few hours later, it’s empty. he frowns when noticing that your clothes and things you had lying around are all gone, but shrugs it off, believing you probably had a good reason for taking them back home.

but when he calls you the next day, you don’t pick up. you don’t answer any of his texts. your staff by the gate tells him that no visitors are allowed into the driveway, meaning he can’t even get to your front door anymore.

something’s happened. he just doesn’t know what.

long after he’s had his dinner, the rain comes pouring down from the dark clouds in the sky, thunder rumbling in the distance as you make your way to the front door of mingyu’s apartment.

he instantly notices something is very wrong once he lays eyes on you. you look like you’ve just gone through hell and back.

you let yourself in before he can say anything, so he closes the door behind you, confusion painted across his face. “i’ve been calling you — what’s going on? did something happen?”

oh, the question immediately pisses you off even more than you already are. this is about to be fun. “well, you’d know.” you grumble.

“know what?”

“that you killed my fucking father.”

the words strike like lightning. you finding out about the truth certainly wasn’t part of the plan, and since you seem so convinced, he doesn’t have much faith in trying to convince you of his innocence.

when his surprised expression fades, you finally see the truth written all over his face. his jaw is clenched tight, lips pressed together into a thin line, and he suddenly looks very guilty. “how… how did you find out?”

“the tapes. who the fuck records their own confession to murder? were you trying to get me to find out?” you rhetorically ask, eyes blazing fire.

mingyu huffs to himself. he knew he shouldn’t have kept those tapes — fuck.

“look, i—” he swallows, attempting to mend the situation, but you don’t let him speak.

“no. you’re going to tell me exactly what you did and why you did it. you owe me that much.”

he flinches, closing his eyes for a moment, lowering his head, his way of showing he accepts his defeat. “your dad… i always thought he wanted me around because he liked me, but after all those years, that turned out to be a lie. i found out he was blackmailing my mom with evidence of my father’s wrongdoings before his passing — fraud, embezzlement, all of that. we’re talking millions of dollars here. the damage it would’ve done to my family if that ever came out… it’s something i had to prevent. hell, i wouldn’t be surprised if he was the one behind my dad’s car accident. so i did what i thought was necessary.”

you can only scoff. “of course. how noble of you.”

“i’m sorry.” he tells you, but it’s a lie. your father was a despicable man, loved by no one. not really, anyway.

“if you’re going to lie to me, at least do it well.” you scold him, turning away from him for a moment, looking at the rain outside through the large windows of his apartment. “how did you kill him? i wanna hear you say it.”

“can’t we talk about—”

interrupting him, you turn around, the pistol from his safe in your hand, and it’s pointed at him. he anxiously awaits your next move.

“don’t make me ask again. i don’t particularly feel like repeating myself.”

he shudders at the view of the gun pointed at him, but does what you tell him to. “i poisoned him. he had no idea, didn’t suspect me at all. i told him to go home, so he’d die there.”

“where i would be, too. perfect plan, huh?”

“the plan was to make it look like a death from natural causes. the poison would be out of his system by the time the authorities were to perform the autopsy on his body — but then they found him dangling from the ceiling instead. that wasn’t my doing, so i figured the poison got to him to the point he wanted a quicker way out. you were there, with a reasonable motive. i panicked and made a choice.”

inhaling sharply, your eye twitches. “you chose to frame me.”

“i was going to.”

“oh, give me a break. don’t start acting like you care about me, now.”

“except i do. it was different in the beginning — but then i just—i didn’t remember why i hated you. i couldn’t even fathom a possible reason to. i started liking being around you, and you felt it too. i know you did, you said it yourself.” he pleads, getting closer to you, not giving a damn that the barrel of the gun is touching his chest at this point.

a tear escapes your eye, but your anger is still there. “you know what the thing is, mingyu? i don’t even care that you killed him. hell, if you had come to me after our interrogations and confessed that it was you, i would’ve thanked you. what i care about is that you took advantage of me when i was vulnerable, and that you made me feel like i mattered to you when you were all just doing it for your own gain.”

it’s like you’ve ripped his heart out of his chest. he wishes he could make you understand that you’ve made him feel more alive than anyone he’s ever met, that you’ve grown to mean so much to him in a ridiculously short span of time. that he’d go to hell and back to protect you now.

“you matter to me. more than anyone else.”

all you can do is let out a sarcastic fit of laughter; you don’t trust a single word that comes out of his mouth. “i need you to tell me something. did you sleep with me because you actually wanted to or because you felt like you had to in order to manipulate me to get closer to you?”

he seems appalled at what you’re implying. “of course i wanted to. all i ended up wanting was you—”

“don’t you fucking lie to me!” you burst out angrily, at which he flinches, but his frustration brings him to confess his true feelings.

“it’s not a lie, because i’m in love with you!” he raises his voice in desperation, “i don’t care if you shoot me right here, right now. it won’t change how i feel about you.”

your heart shatters even more, because he sounds so genuine, yet it doesn’t make you feel the way it should.

the words should probably bring some kind of twisted comfort, but they feel like a gut punch instead. you grab your chest to stop yourself from hyperventilating. “at least i was right at the beginning. the golden boy is a fucking murderer. you’ve played your part well, i gotta admit.”

he watches you breathily laugh and cry at him, and all he can do is stare back at you with teary eyes and a guilty face.

“please don’t say that.”

“why? does it hurt, hearing the truth?”

“i swear to you—”

you shut him up by pushing him backwards with the pistol against his chest. “you know, when you bothered me after the funeral, when i had my breakdown, i wanted nothing more than to cave in your skull with a rock. looking back, i should’ve just done it. would’ve spared me this whole mess.”

surprisingly enough, you simply put the pistol back in your jacket pocket, but mingyu is just as if not more afraid of you. your gaze is the harshest, coldest, meanest he’s ever seen it. all you do is look at him and he crumbles.

and yet he still wants you. he knows you hate him to the bone, you detest every part of him, and he still. wants. you.

and he intends to show you that, because he’s willing to throw every last shred of pride and dignity he has let out the window if it means you’ll show him you want him even the smallest bit. “i’ll prove it to you. if you ask me to turn myself in, i’ll turn myself in. i’ll do it, for you.”

god, he seems so genuine in it, too.

your breaths are ragged, and you feel like you need to get literally anywhere else, out of the suffocation that is this room with him in it. you barely even noticed he’d taken a hold of your hand until now.

“i can’t do this. just—just let me leave.”

he does.

the moment the door slams shut behind you, he has to grab the nearest object to hold himself up, leaving him wondering what the hell just happened.

x. WHEN IS A MONSTER NOT A MONSTER?

the following days are spent anxiously pacing in his apartment. what is he supposed to do? what should he say to you? what should he tell the press, that he’s innocent? guilty? what should he tell his family? that he killed a man to protect them and their reputation? would they even look him in the eye if he confessed?

he waits and waits and waits for his arrest to come, for the police to barge into his home and take him away to a cold, dark prison cell — yet the day never comes.

personally, he wonders if you’re waiting it out to make you feel as shitty as you’ve probably been feeling since the day you discovered his true colors.

nearly a week after the fight between you, he decides he can’t take it anymore. he needs to see you.

you doubt you’ve ever felt as miserable as you’ve felt these past days. it’s like you’re torn between hating mingyu for taking advantage of you and hating yourself for being stupid enough to fall for it. to fall for him.

because no matter how much you want to deny it, you did.

something you desperately needed was a distraction, which is why you ended up accepting wonwoo’s invitation to the event his father is hosting tonight at his estate just outside the city. with your little black dress on and hair perfectly styled, you down a glass of champagne next to wonwoo, who looks a bit concerned. “everything okay?”

the noise of chatter and soft music in the background only overwhelms you more. “yeah. i just… haven’t had alcohol in a while.” you mutter a bullshit excuse, not really caring whether you sound believable or not.

“i get it if you don’t feel like being here right now, with everything that happened recently. i can take you home if you want.”

“and miss out on your father’s celebration?”

“there will always be another one.” wonwoo shrugs, looking at you like nothing else in the room matters. he has a little smile playing on his lips that’s far too gentle — you almost feel undeserving of a gaze that loving.

but you don’t hold eye contact with him for long, because the source of all your current problems suddenly walks into the room — and he looks good. criminally good.

the red suit with its low neckline draws even more attention to him than usual, along with several expensive pieces of jewelry adorning his wrists and fingers.

“he’s here? that’s strange. he said he wasn’t coming.” wonwoo mumbles, and you do your best to keep your composure and hide the sudden anxiety that blooms in your chest.

“shame. the party was just getting good.” you scoff to yourself, replacing your empty champagne glass with a full one.

it’s then that mingyu’s eyes find yours, and even while politely saying hello to the elders greeting him, he keeps sneaking a peek your way, as if to try to get away from the people surrounding him to get to you.

oh, fuck no. you’re not in the mood to talk to him right now.

“i’m just gonna go and use the restroom, okay? i’ll be right back.” you say to wonwoo, hoping to find yourself a spot in the shadows where you can properly get some air.

you hardly catch his response as your legs are already moving on their own, as far away from the man in red as possible.

passing through a quiet hallway, you find yourself finally alone at the bottom of a staircase, and with no one else around, you sit down on the first few steps, a sigh escaping your mouth.

“did my appearance surprise you?”

as you recognize his voice, your blood runs cold.

looking behind you, he’s standing at the top of the stairs, his hands in his pockets. he appears surprisingly relaxed, even if his fingers slightly tremble against the fabric of his trousers.

“you have some nerve showing up here.”

mingyu purses his lips. “why don’t you come up a couple steps?”

when you finally meet his gaze, his heart skips a beat. your brows are knitted together. “why would i do that?”

“because we’d be on the same level. equals.”

“is that what you want?”

“i think you already know the answer to that.”

biting your lip to yourself, you get up on your feet, heels clicking on the creaking wood with each step. once at his level, you look at him with hostility – he only shows intrigue.

“why haven’t you given me up yet? it’s been a week.”

“i have my reasons.” you shrug, the anger remaining in your features. “what? scared i’ll ruin your reputation?”

his tone suddenly changes into something more desperate, emotional. “i just want to know what you’re gonna do. if you wanna turn me over to the police, fine. but do something, please—”

“you’re not in a position to be making demands.”

“i’m not demanding, i’m asking.”

“go fuck yourself, mingyu.” you snap at him, looking around you before lowering your voice. “what did you think was going to happen when you came here tonight? that i would just let you in on everything? the last thing i owe you is an explanation.”

as the tension continues to rise between you, the argument causes you to step closer to eachother.

his chest heaves out of frustration, because you make a more than valid point, but he still has his own interests at heart. “i know that.”

“so then why show up tonight? don’t bullshit me, i know you’re not here for wonwoo.”

“are you? what are you doing here?”

“what the hell is your problem?” scoffing at him, you intend to push him by his chest, but he grabs your wrists instead.

“you are my problem.” he breathes out angrily as if he were confessing his sins, his hands remaining on your skin. “everything fell apart because of you.”

“if you’re actually trying to pin this on me, i’ll hit you in your fucking jaw until it bleeds.”

he only pulls you closer. “and i’d let you. do you still not get it?”

his grip on your wrists falters, and he softly rubs over your skin with his finger, and you hate your body for reacting to it.

christ, you think to yourself, has he been standing this close to you this whole time?

the smell of his perfume plagues your senses, and a feeling you can’t quite place washes over you when you catch him looking at your lips, and you realize his one hand is slowly gliding past your waist.

are you really going to let yourself fall into his trap again?

“everything okay?”

the words aren’t uttered by you nor mingyu — wonwoo peers up at you from your former spot at the bottom of the stairs.

of course he’s been sensing that there was something going on between you the moment you showed up at the strip club, but this clearly confuses him, since you’re still supposed to hate one another.

fuck. how much of the conversation did he hear?

mingyu hesitantly releases his hands from your body, and you take a step backwards, both of you focusing on wonwoo. “yeah, i’m fine.”

as if to make the situation even worse, the fucking inspector that’s leading the investigation appears behind wonwoo, curiously looking at his two main suspects standing side by side.

the situation feels suffocating. wonwoo points at the older man, “he was looking for you. that’s why i came to see if you were here — i didn’t know you were, um — occupied.”

“i’m not occupied.” with the way you completely disregard mingyu’s existence, it’s almost as if he weren’t even here. you make your way down the steps, smoothening over the fabric of your dress and taking a deep breath to get a hold of yourself again.

the inspector glances at mingyu one last time before asking you if he can talk to you privately, which you agree to.

mere minutes later, you’re standing in a secluded room, far away from the rest of the crowd, arms crossed over your chest, a dim light flickering on the ceiling above you.

“i wanted to talk about the investigation.”

“talking to me off-record again? this isn’t a good look on you.” you sneer at the man, who puts up his hands before his chest.

“i know. but it’s for a good reason.” he defends himself, at which you frown. “i have a proposition for you.”

“which is?”

“i need your help catching the person who killed your father.”

pursing your lips together, you let out a bitter chuckle. “like i would know anything—”

“you were just speaking to him, actually.”

the weight of his words makes your eyes widen. this is the first time he’s expressing who he believes is the culprit, after all these weeks.

your breath hitches in your throat. “you think mingyu is guilty.”

the inspector nods at the conclusion you’ve drawn. “he’s smart, i’ll give him that. but not invincible.”

“what will you do? do you have evidence against him?”

“i have enough that makes me sure that it was him, but not enough to defeat him in court. he’s rich and uses that to his advantage.” he explains, sounding almost hopeful. “so that’s where you come in.”

“me?”

“what i need is evidence that even he can’t work around, no matter how many people in the system he chooses to bribe. you told me the nature of your relationship was sexual — i don’t need to know if that’s true or not. but i’ve noticed he seems fond of you these days. you can use that to get him caught. we can’t let him get away with it.”

his voice rings through your ears, sounding like a convincing whisper. biting down on your tongue, you clench your fists, the predicament you currently find yourself in making you wish the ground would just swallow you whole.

you subtly glance down at your phone for a moment.

the evidence is right there, on the phone in your hand. you’ve recorded all the tapes with your phone — the confession, murder weapon — it’s all the evidence needed. you could give it right now and everything would be over.

yet not a single word comes out of your mouth.

the inspector sighs, offering you a final sentiment. “be careful with him. people can be deceiving.”

and with that, he exits the room, leaving you alone with the voice in your head.

your next moves are crucial. you know what you’re about to do is risky, but it’ll be worth it. it has to be worth it.

once you’ve left the inside of the estate through the backdoor, the event continues for the evening while you ponder over the choice you’re about to make in the backseat of the cab.

shrugging off your coat as you enter your home, you still in your movements when your eyes find the stairs — the spot where the police had to cut down your father’s cold, dead body.

with your gaze remaining on the former crime scene, you press on mingyu’s number to call it.

he picks up faster than lightning, but you don’t allow him to speak.

“meet me in the city tomorrow. 10:30, outside your mother’s firm. don’t be late.”

you hang up right after.

fuck, you should really sell this place. the fact that your father’s wandered around here is more than enough reason.

that he died here as well isn’t great either, but that’s really a minor detail.

with your arms crossed, you scoff, a half-smile that’s almost smug sitting on your face. “if only your death had welcomed us sooner.”

the next morning, you lean your head against the wall of the building you’re meeting at, a cold wind blowing through your hair as you’re sunken deeply into thought.

it’s comfortably quiet, honestly. you’re fond of this type of weather, the white, grey-ish sky, the breeze in the air, some rain on occasion.

you glance at the watch on your wrist — why the fuck is mingyu still not here? what possible reason could he have to be late when this is what he was practically begging for?

just as you’re about to grab your phone from your pocket to call him, someone pulls you by your arm and drags you into the alley beside the building.

“what the fuck!?” you huff out, and then you finally get a good look at the person who grabbed you.

of course it’s him.

“i’m sorry.” mingyu breathes out, his usually neatly styled hair now messy, several strands hanging loose in front of his forehead, the stress visible in his features.

to be together like this feels messy yet weirdly intimate. a few strands of your hair are caught between your lips, and you feel his breath on your face, his hands on your body, even your hands find their way back to him.

as if it’s natural.

“what the hell are you thinking?!” you hiss at him, pushing his hands off you, backing yourself as far up against the wall as possible.

“someone was following me, i was — i thought you’d lured me here to turn me in.”

“you—” is all you can push out of your throat before a sigh leaves you. of course he’d think that. god, what a mess.

burying your face in your hands, it feels like you’re both on the verge of a complete breakdown. both lost, not sure where to go, not sure what’ll happen next.

you thought you’d found a sense of direction in eachother, but that fell apart like a house of cards hit by the wind.

naturally, it begins to rain right when you’re talking to him outside. sighing to yourself, you gesture for him to come with you to your car in the half-empty parking lot, which he wordlessly agrees with.

it’s pouring by the time you’re both seated, the heavy rain rolling down the glass windows of the car.

it’s completely silent between you as you sit beside one another, staring dead ahead at the street.

your voice is hoarse when you tell him your verdict on the matter.

“we’re gonna cover it up.”

mingyu turns his head to look at you in disbelief, but you don’t move a muscle. “… what?”

“i believe i’ve told you i don’t like to repeat myself.”

“no one in their right mind would do that. no one would help me cover it up.” he exhales, eyes moving rapidly as he tries to process what you’re proposing to him.

“no one in their right mind would commit murder, either, but that certainly didn’t stop you.”

well, you have a point there.

“just tell me one thing,” mingyu asks, hoping you’ll look at him, “why? why do this for me?”

he could cry the moment you do meet his eyes. it’s like he sees a different version of himself staring back at him. “because you did the right thing. i would’ve done the same. well, except for your little affair with me.”

with his heart beating against his chest, he gently touches your hand. “everything i told you was true. it may not have been real in the beginning, and i’m sorry for pretending back then, but it’s real now. i swear that to you.”

you bite your lip. “give me one good reason why i should believe you.”

mingyu can taste his tears at this point. he needs you to believe him, he needs you — and that is terrifying but addictive. “the tapes. you can have them if you want.”

“i don’t need them. they hold no value to me.” you already made copies of them anyway.

“then what can i give you to prove myself?”

“nothing.” you immediately cut him off, eyes blazing fire, but even mingyu can see you do share that sadness that he does, mourning the loss of your connection. “from now on, we avoid contact over the phone as much as possible. you’ll destroy the tapes, the poison — get rid of all of it. we’ll work together until we’ve covered it up, and after that, it’ll be like whatever we had never existed. we’ll be nothing more than strangers to one another.”

“how on earth would we go back to strangers after what we did?”

“by never talking to eachother again.” you respond, swallowing the rising lump in your throat, fingers twitching from feeling suffocated. “get out. you can come over to my place tomorrow, and we’ll… figure out how to handle everything.”

mingyu looks at you, and he knows you won’t let him in again, certainly not now. so he nods.

he thinks of what to say, yet nothing comes out.

so he leaves you in your car without saying another word, walking away with nothing but his mistakes on his mind.

xi. I HATE YOU LIKE MY OWN REFLECTION

“so, what do we do now?”

“our best shot is to try to frame someone else, then take them out of prison after the conviction and pay ‘em good money for it.”

mingyu cocks a brow at your choice. “so you wanna go and do the exact same thing i wanted to do?”

you can’t help but glare at him. “yes, just without the manipulation. don’t think for a second i’ve forgiven you, or that i will in the nearby future, because i can assure you that won’t happen.”

well, so much for trying to get into your good graces again. “noted. so, how do we, um… find a suitable victim? someone who won’t rat us out.”

“my contact in the police force has sent me a list of all the other suspects. we pick someone, threaten to kill them if they don’t cooperate. easy.”

mingyu finds your lack of filter both intriguing and scary, like a switch was flipped and you’re suddenly ready to undertake even more violent measures than him. but then again, he was hiding quite some things too. “okay.”

it’s two days later when you’re holding a now former member of the housekeeping hostage in your spacious private parking garage.

“you can’t make me do this! this is insane!” he cries out, and you roll your eyes, holding the gun in your hand as easily as you’d carry a bottle of water.

you simply shrug. “it’s not impossible.”

“i’ll lose everything!”

“probably. but you’ll also gain a lot of money, enough to get you a comfortable life elsewhere in the world.”

“no, no, i’m not doing this. you can’t make me!”

mingyu looks to you for permission, you grant it with a nod, and he takes your gun to hit the guy in the face with it. you sink down to bend your knees, lowering to your victim’s level.

“i don’t think you get it. either you agree to do this, or you’re not making it out of these walls alive. trust me, if i have to shoot you, i will.” you sternly tell him, attitude changing from casual to threatening.

your partner in crime, who’s still holding the gun, is beyond impressed. he briefly thinks it over —has this part of you always been hiding underneath the surface?

“or maybe it’s your family i should start with? i’ll pick it apart, one by one.” you suggest, feigning innocence in your voice.

it’s then that the man is finally forced to accept your offer, after which you smile triumphantly and tell him he can go home like nothing happened. mingyu watches the change in your behavior, leaving him wondering how the hell you’re the same person he’s come to know over the past months.

but it hardly changes his now deeply-rooted affection for you.

a few days later, you’ve successfully orchestrated your plan and set it in motion, with the man from housekeeping supposedly coming forward with his confession tomorrow.

it’s late at night when mingyu’s still over at your house, and he asks if he can open the bottle of vodka standing on the counter.

“sure. whatever.” you mutter, the stand-offish demeanor you used to hold up around him before getting to know him having returned.

he doesn’t like it. no, scratch that — he can’t stand it.

so he pours you both a shot. “i’ve been thinking about something.”

“well, that must’ve been exhausting for you.”

hilarious. really. he chooses to ignore your sarcasm for now. “in the car, you said i did the right thing. that you would’ve done the same.”

“and?”

“do you really not… hate me for killing him? at all?”

“no.”

“you hate me for… lying to you about it.”

“no.”

his brows knit together. “so…”

“again, don’t take this as a compliment, but i really thought you were smarter than this.”

“i’m just… confused on your stance on the whole thing. that’s all.”

taking a breath, a bitter chuckle leaves your mouth. “i hate it when people make fun of me, like — that’s the worst thing you could do to me. and you tried to get to know me, work with me, pretended to care for me, all while secretly knowing that it wasn’t genuine and you were going to put me in prison. and after i found out, it felt like you were just ridiculing me, for… i don’t know. giving in to you so easily. for being desperate to have at least one person actually care about me the way i thought you did.”

he processes your words with the heavy burden of guilt weighing on his shoulders, while you take another shot of alcohol.

well, he fucked up. miserably.

“when i created the plan to frame you, i… almost held a grudge towards you, like you did to me, for a reason i couldn’t even think of. i was going to be putting someone i hated in prison. a sacrifice i was willing to make for the people i loved. but you completely blew me away. as time progressed, i… couldn’t fathom i used to hate you, or even disliked you. even if you don’t accept my apology, i need you to know that i never… never made fun of you. and i’m sorry for hurting you in the way that i did.”

his heartfelt sentiment gets to you, and you hate it.

“even if i did accept your apology, what then? we’ll just move on with our lives as if this whole thing never happened either way.”

now that you’ve unintentionally given him a sense of hope, he downs another shot of vodka to give himself courage. “it doesn’t have to be like that.”

“what?”

“i still want you.” he breathes out, mentally saying fuck it and deciding to finally be completely honest with you.

the words seem to have caught you off-guard, after which you scoff at him once you realize what he’s saying. “you’re not serious.”

“i am,” he replies without hesitation, following you in your tracks when you stand up, “and you know what i think? you still like me, too.”

“no i don’t.”

now that you’ve turned around to him, you realize how stupid of a move it was to do so. with every step he takes forward, you go back, but there’s only so much room before you hit the wall. “you’re not being very convincing.”

“gyu—”

“i like it when you call me that.”

at a loss for words, you look behind you to find you’re nearly out of space. “i don’t like you.”

“and here i thought we were both being honest with eachother.”

god, all he does is look at you and you feel willing to let him touch you again. he made you feel so good — you liked him so much.

mingyu feels it. he sees you fighting with yourself in your head, so he figures all you need is just a little push to get you back where he had you, to be able to kiss you and hold you and call you his.

with his left hand, he tucks a strand of hair behind your ear, and within a second, he’s pushed his mouth against yours.

fuck, it’s been only two long weeks since he last kissed you, but it felt like forever. this feeling, his touch — you doubt you’d ever be able to feel that with anyone else.

but something in you is still fighting back.

you muster the will to push mingyu away, and he licks his lips from the gloss on yours. both of you panting heavily, you shake your head. “no. we’re not doing this.”

“what? something we both want?” he breathes out, chest heaving up and down.

“something we shouldn’t.”

“why not?”

“because i’d never forgive myself for giving in to the guy who was gonna frame me for murder.”

he merely shrugs, downplaying the situation for his selfish interests. “we hated each other back then. you’d have done it too, you said it yourself.”

his words are true — but it still hurts.

“you’re a liar.” you say to him, and he knows you’re only saying it for one reason — to convince yourself to not give in to what you really want.

“yeah. and so are you.”

that is what momentarily causes your brain to shut down. “what?”

his hand cups your jaw. you can feel his breath on your bare skin, his gaze on your body, shamelessly checking you out before he meets your eyes again. “what we had was real. you make everyone else in my life seem like… nothing.”

“oh, so i’m special, huh? or are you just trying to get back into my good graces so i don’t rat you out?”

his eyes keep lingering on the skin of your cheeks, your neck, exposed collarbones, and he doesn’t even look you in the eye while answering. “you can do whatever you want. i’ll still want you once i’ve gotten out of prison.”

god. he’s really that into you?

“gyu…” you mutter, almost pouting, and he holds your face, nodding as if he understands.

“i know, i know—” his breathing is unsteady as he confesses every dirty little sin on his conscience, “i like being a little selfish, y’know? even when one of my friends mentioned something about liking you, i didn’t tell you, ‘cause i wanted you.”

you’ve got a feeling who he’s talking about. “so what’d you say to him?”

“i said you had something going on with someone else, which wasn’t exactly a lie, since you were on top of me that same night.” he barely allows himself to finish the sentence before kissing you again, putting all his vigor into it, and you decide to indulge both him and yourself this once.

he pushes you up against the wall, and you shove him away again, holding onto the cupboard beside you when you both catch your breath.

“what if i like him better than you?”

“you wouldn’t.”

“why? ‘cause you’re so likeable?”

“because he’d never accept you for who you really are, and you’d find him boring,” he tells you as a possessive streak overcomes him, “just like no other girl would ever want me and i only want you.”

“so i should let you have me because no one else will. what a compelling argument.”

“no. because you want me.” fucking hell, he’s pretty sure his sex drive has never been this high before. “so have me, baby. please — i’m all yours.” he rasps, pressing a kiss so chaste to your lips, they barely touch. his hands burn on your skin.

“maybe i will.” you mumble, which elicits the smallest smirk from him.

he rubs up against you. “you make me insane.”

“pretty sure you already were.” is the last thing you say before kissing him, finally giving in to the feelings you still hold for him.

the sudden motion takes him by surprise, but he regains his composure to kiss you back within seconds. you make him feel so sickeningly good, he practically worships the ground you walk on.

mingyu is always tactile, be it with his friends, family, or in this case — you. his hands are practically glued to your body, pulling you as close to him as possible.

and normally he likes to take his time when it comes to sex. but he’s just so hot right now that he needs some kind of friction, some kind of release. so he lifts you up to take you to your bedroom, where he wastes no time to plunge his fingers into you.

“fuck—gyu—”

this is all he wants. to hear you moan his name like that and watch you writhe underneath him while his cock throbs as he rubs it against the bed.

“you look so pretty like this.” he grins, curling his fingers to watch you squirm and feel you clench around him.

jesus, his pace is high. higher than any other time he’s done this before. the pressure in your stomach builds so fast that you’re almost overwhelmed by the feeling, at which you instinctively reach down to hold his wrist, but to no avail, because he keeps going.

“say you like me back and i’ll make you cum.”

even through the pleasure he’s giving you, you manage to pull your mean attitude back up. “are you that desperate?”

not only does he seem completely unaffected by the snark in your voice — he might even like it.

“so what if i am?” he shrugs, his fingers moving in and out of you while he kisses and sucks on the skin of your neck.

when he moves onto your jaw, he suddenly hits the right spot inside you, and your eyes roll back, a dragged-out moan escaping you.

“bet that feels good, hm?” he whispers, his fangs showing when he smiles slyly, “c’mon — say it. i’ll make you feel so good, baby.”

right after the words come out of his mouth, he threatens to take his fingers out, and you grab his wrist once more, this time to keep him as close as possible.

“fine — i like you.”

like a war general who just won his greatest battle, he’s beaming at your confession. “good. put your legs over my shoulders.”

well, he certainly is determined. he’s back in his previous position in no-time, now with your legs up, and you try to not clench your thighs around his head too much as his digits piston in and out of your hole.

your orgasm hits you within what feels like a minute, and mingyu keeps going even when your legs are shaking and trembling on his shoulders.

the drag of his cock inside you is heavenly. he’s a big man, and you always need to adjust yourself to him, but fuck is it good.

you always like the slower strokes best, he’s learned. slow and deep, to make you feel every inch of him, and he can bury himself in you to the hilt every single time.

“god, you’re always so tight.” he has to suck through gritted teeth to not completely lose it, ‘cause you’re clenching down on him so much that it almost hurts.

“that’s ‘cause you don’t fuck me enough.”

“we should fix that, then.” he responds, sliding his cock in and out of the pooling wetness between your legs, and as the minutes go by, you continue to find yourself in his arms, your body plastered on his.

it’s the ringing of your phone from the nightstand that pulls you out of the erotic haze.

mingyu turns his head to the side, the dark strands of hair hanging beside his head as he’s still hovering above you.

his chest still heaves when he picks up the device to show you the caller id. “you never did tell me what he wanted to talk to you about.”

all you can do is chuckle — a sound that comes across as if you know more than he does. “he’s onto you. thinks you’re guilty. not far from the truth, is he?”

throwing your phone to the other side of the bed, he pushes himself a little deeper into you, loving the way you have to bite your lip to suppress a whimper. “and he wanted you to give him evidence, i bet.”

“he did.”

“did you?”

“since you still have the freedom to fuck me — take a wild guess.”

this time it’s him who lets out an arrogant laugh. “i knew you liked me too much.”

“i could still do it, y’know.”

“oh, i know you could.” he bites his lower lip before kissing you so vigorously again — as if you’re the air he breathes.

xii. ROUGH HEWN BY UNFORTUNATE EVENTS, AND GIVEN BREATH BY NECESSITY

with the noise of the fireplace crackling, you stand by the window of your mansion’s spacious living room, staring outside as you’re anxiously rubbing your fingers over your collarbone.

the man you and mingyu forced to act like he was guilty of murdering your father has supposedly confessed yesterday morning, and yet you’ve still heard nothing. which is strange.

extremely strange.

“they could still be interrogating him.” mingyu tries to ease both your and his own nerves, but you shake your head, your back still facing him.

“something’s wrong. if it were convincing enough, i would’ve heard something. fuck.”

he gets up from the soft couch to wrap his arms around you from behind. “we just gotta be a little more patient. the guy knows what’s at stake should he mess it up.”

letting out a sigh, you nod. “yeah, i guess you’re right.”

just when he’s pressed a kiss on the top of your head, the doorbell rings — whoever that may be.

mingyu remains in his spot by the window while you go ahead to check who’s visiting you. your breath is almost stolen completely from you once you see who it is.

“coming to visit me at this hour?”

the inspector gives you a fake smile in return. “it’s important.”

so you let him in, keeping up the nonchalance in your attitude. mingyu raises a brow at the older man walking into the room, and he crosses his arms over his chest.

“i had someone coming into the station yesterday — one of your father’s former staff. he confessed to the murder.” the inspector begins. “unfortunately for him, i said i’d already figured out who the culprit was, and so i sent him back home.”

“someone confessed and you didn’t think about telling us?” mingyu questions angrily, and you really have to force yourself not to show how impressed you are with his acting skills.

the other man in the room is less impressed. “why would i tell you something you’re already aware of? you orchestrated it.”

oh, shit.

as your eyes widen, it’s quiet for a moment.

“i really hope you have actual proof to back this accusation.” mingyu sneers, clearly hostile towards the man while you silently take a few steps back, slowly hiding yourself more in the shadows by the walls.

“traces of poison were found in the reports of the autopsy. it was disregarded at first because of the small amount, but i eventually began to consider it evidence when i discovered you recently purchased that exact formula from a dealer who’s been on our radar for a while.”

the hairs on your neck suddenly stand upright. is this it? is the person you’ve grown so attached to actually going to get arrested?

“thing is, if i were to arrest you, you’d probably be let go. i know you both have contacts in the police force as well as the justice system, i almost caught someone messing with the autopsy results — but despite that, i know the truth.” the man nods to himself. “and that is, mr. kim, that the only charge against you is attempted murder.”

mingyu seems confused. “attempted?”

“the poison didn’t kill him. you’re guilty of something, definitely, but you’re no murderer.” the inspector’s gaze suddenly shifts from your partner to you, a deep frown setting into your forehead. “the only player in this game that wasn’t making any sense to me was you.”

“me?”

“you know, in my many years in this line of work, i’ve found it a rarity to have a suspect possessing such an… inscrutible expectant stillness. the gears in your head are constantly turning, but no one’s really sure what it is that goes up in there. you’re an enigma.” he says to you, and you listen to him with a raised brow.

as you remain silent, he continues. “at the event a few weeks ago, when i spoke with you, i came to you and told you i suspected him to be the culprit — the man you’ve hated from day one. the opportunity to make him go away was practically given to you, yet you did nothing with it.”

scoffing at him in disbelief, you tilt your head. “that’s all you have against me? baseless speculation?”

“not exactly baseless. see, the autopsy report showed one more thing — he was choked before the hanging. your father was unconscious before you put that rope around his neck.”

it’s so quiet, you’re pretty sure the two men in the room are able to hear your heartbeat at this point.

mingyu turns to look at you with a puzzled expression, and you finally decide to drop the façade you’ve upheld for so long.

“oh, so what?” you shrug, finding the accusation bothersome at best.

the sudden change in demeanor catches mingyu completely off-guard. he can’t fully comprehend what’s going on here. “you—you killed him?”

you press your lips together. “whatever you used on him wasn’t enough to kill him, but it was enough to make him violent. he came home that night just—fucking losing it. stumbling over everything, his eyes were all red, and he yelled at me because he thought i was the one who poisoned him. ‘cause naturally, he’d never suspect you. my father was one to hit me on the cheek whenever he was really angry with me, but he’d never gone further than that. the poison must’ve worked him up so much that he lost rational thinking. so he began to accuse me of trying to kill him, after which he tried to choke me, but i managed to throw him off, and he passed out. and i figured it’d been enough of his torture, so… i hung him in the stairwell to make it seem like a suicide.”

the inspector nods knowingly. “you murdered him in cold blood.”

you’re quick to respond with your defense, though you don’t really care anymore. “did you not hear the part where he tried to kill me?”

mingyu looks like a kicked puppy when he processes your confession. “so you’ve been lying to me this whole time?”

the words elicit a scoff. “that’s real bold, coming from you.”

“but you—you agreed to help me figure out who your father’s killer was. why would you do that if you did it?”

“at first i didn’t, as you know, but you were just so fucking persistent. so i figured i could try to divert your attention from me. i was going to convince you that it was a suicide. then i hear the tapes, you admitting that you poisoned him, and everything made sense. but hey, at least i wasn’t trying to frame you.”

the jab directed at him makes him feel guilty again. “so we both did it.”

“in a way. though i’d argue it was somewhat self-defense. i mean, he came onto me, tried to kill me—”

“you made a mistake and you know it.” the inspector interrupts, making you roll your eyes as he scolds you. “you should’ve called the police. but you didn’t, you just decided to hang him instead!”

“he deserved it!” you retort, displaying the clear hatred you’ve always felt towards anyone who tried to defend the man who raised you. “i don’t care what you think. and you said it yourself — i have everyone in the justice system on my payroll, if necessary. threatening to kill a family member or two also works like a charm.”

it’s silent for a few seconds after you’ve revealed this side of your true nature, and the man just stares you in the eye before grabbing a device from his backpocket.

when he clicks on the button, you already know what it is.

he recorded the whole conversation, and you already know he can’t be bribed, so this is a real problem — because it’s the one piece of evidence needed that will destroy you both.

“you do realize how stupid it was to come here alone, right?” you ask rhetorically.

“what, will you kill me too?” he asks, and when both you and mingyu deadpan a stare at him, he knows the answer.

he’s not getting out of this room alive unless he forfeits the recording.

when you and your partner in crime exchange a glance, the inspector attempts to make a run for it, only to be tackled by mingyu once he’s reached the door.

one last sacrifice.

the sound of a blade piercing through skin makes you jump, your fingers twitching.

blood begins to trickle down his body, after which mingyu pulls out the knife and pushes it in once more, higher up in the chest this time.

“oh, jesus—fuck!” you gasp to yourself when you feel the bloodsplatters hitting your face and neck, and mingyu rips the blade from the inspector’s body, letting it fall onto the carpeted floor.

you both stare at the freshly created crime scene, and you pinch the bridge of your nose, mostly just annoyed at having another crime on your hands.

“well, that is unfortunate.” mingyu sighs, after which you press your lips together, looking up at him.

“understatement of the year. did you have to stab him that quick?”

“sweetheart, he would’ve locked us both away if i didn’t.”

“i guess so.” locking the front door to ensure no one can enter, you cross your arms. “so. are we burning, burying or dumping him in a lake?”

mingyu stares at the body on the floor before locking eyes with you, and it’s like making a silent deal — that you’re in this mess together, and only together can you come out of it, as bloody and violent that road may turn out to be.

well, at the end of the day, you suppose your father was right about one little thing.

you and kim mingyu are, indeed, good together. just not in the exact way he imagined.

after all, love can exist even in the murderous heart.

thanks for reading! let me know if you enjoyed it x

® SANAKIRAS — do not repost, remake or copy my work in any way whatsoever. translations are not allowed.

[ozwriterchick]

Back to Us - Masterlist

Authors Note: This is a story I wrote a while back as a video story on TikTok. I decided that I wanted to flesh it out, so each part on TT will be 1 chapter here. There were 17 or 18 parts to it so I'll write and post as I can.

At the moment I'm having life saving cancer treatment and I am soon to have surgery so the writing may not be super regular, but I'll do my best.

In the meantime, please enjoy, like, re-blog, comment, let me know what you think (I've fixed a couple of cringe things I realised were in this when I re-watched the TT videos, but they are in that version because of time constraints with the videos and the creation of said videos - here with words, I can be more poetic and explain things or change them as I need to)

If you'd like to be tagged in future chapter posts, let me know :)

Summary: Y/n loses the last 4 years of her memory after an accident. What, or who, could she be forgetting?

Characters: Steve Rogers x Reader (use of Y/n); Tony Stark; Other Avengers characters

Content warnings: Talk of accidents; Amnesia; Accusations of cheating; Let me know if I missed any and I'll add them in.

Chapter List:

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9, Chapter 10 (Final), Epilogue

Let me know if you want any drabbles or blurbs or whatever about their life after the end of the epilogue - I'm happy to keep writing these 2 for a bit.

Snippets: One,

Tag List: @wolfbeanpotion @vioplay19 @jason-todd-fangirl-14 @crazyunsexycool @zaraomarrogers @bitchy-bi-trash @mrsnikstan @harrysnovia @salemslostwitch

[lemonlyman-dotcom]

FAVORITE FANDOM MEMORIES

I was tagged by approximately ten million people, thank you all I am queuing your posts for today through the weekend as to not completely flood the dash lmao 😂

⭐️ ATX Trip With Anne For S5 Premiere

This was soo much fun!!! I’ve wanted to go to Austin for a long time, as a lifelong Spoon fan and general music nerd this is the Mecca and I’m glad I was able to go with Anne so we could nerd out about Lone Star! We ate amazing food, got to walk all over the whole city, checked out landmarks from the show, built new headcanons like what touristy things TK, Marjan and Paul did when they first got to town in s1. And we got to see my beloved Omar Apollo 😍

⭐️ Season 4-5 Hiatus Rewatch

I made soo many new friends including ANNE, we hadn’t ever really talked before but she slid into my DMs early in the rewatch and asked if she could help and then we have basically talked every day since 🤭 And all the really amazing pals I made during the weekly group watches, my unhinged polls, just generally chatting with folks about the weekly episodes and going deeper with headcanons and stuff. This event really helped me feel accepted into the fandom and I think it did for a lot of others!

⭐️ Rabbit Holes and General Shenanigans With @carlos-in-glasses

We are the goofiest. There was the time she wrote Owen sleeping in a vest and no pants I was like…? The time I thought a dressing gown was an old Victorian nightgown… THE ALAMO …The time she thought somebody had SIX FINGERS

⭐️ Wearing @chicgeekgirl89 Down Until She Finally Let Me Be Her Friend

I remember the first time I posted a fic and getting a comment from you and being like 🤯🫨 hehehe And then when you posted Saturday Night’s Alright I was losing my shit so much I dm’ed you my live reactions. And then HARASSING the hell out of you every week for Thirsty Thursday!!! It’s so much fun!!! AND THEN YOU TRICKED ME WITH MY SECRET SANTA FIC!!!! Omg you guys she played me LIKE A FIDDLE!!! An elaborate ruse!! She pretended like she got some rando who provided a bunch of dud prompts, had me pick one and then proceeded to WRITE A FAKE FIC to throw me off her track lmaoooo

⭐️ My Silly Fandom Edits

I *think* this started out as me terrorizing @guardian-angle22. And then I randomly decided to make that first snack post before 5x01 and people really liked my weird edits so I kept doing it heheheheeeee!!! I’ve had so much fun with Ranger Baby Seal with @literateowl and @laelipoo and also just generally (affectionately) making fun of Rafa. He’s such a goober, I adore him, and I really need him to wear this hat.

⭐️ All of the Art by @whatsintheboxmh

I have been so incredibly blessed by May!! She’s made some truly beautiful art for some of my fics, some absolutely unhinged art for my fics and polls and metas. It’s always an absolute delight logging in and seeing a notification that she’s made a piece of art for some goofy ass thing I said or a silly poll I made. Here are just a few:

⭐️ All The Friends!!!!!!

Everyone who I’ve talked to, be it about fic or headcanons or discussing our interpretations of an episode or a scene, or anything!! If I’ve talked to you a few times or on a daily basis, know I cherish you!! This is my first fandom experience and I’ve really been enriched by all the different folks I’ve met and interacted with!! And I’m continuously blown away by all the talent! Watching season five live with everyone is such a serotonin boost every week!!! Also shout out to my discord girlies!! I’m so glad we randomly decided to start a discord for people who love OG but hate ****** 🤭

⭐️ When @ladytessa74 Had My Fic Bound 😭

Tessa had this beautiful copy of my fic bound and she was so sneaky and surprised me with it!! 🥰

⭐️ Writing Fic

I remember how scared I was to post my first fic!! But people were so lovely and supportive, and I’ve had such an incredible experience uncapping this creative well inside of myself that I never knew was in there!! I feel like I’ve grown sooo much since I posted that first fic in June of 2023!

ETA: THE DAY I WON THE BASEBALL SO WE COULD ALL WATCH 5x05!!!! OH MY GOD THAT NIGHT WAS THE MOST FUN I’VE EVER HAD ON HERE!!!!

Thanks for the tags: @thisbuildinghasfeelings @annoyingcloudearthquake @everlastingday @welcometololaland @she-walked-away @carlossreaders @nisbanisba @tellmegoodbye @heartstringsduet @freneticfloetry @firstprince-history-huh @carlos-in-glasses @bonheur-cafe @goldenskykaysani @chicgeekgirl89 @herefortarlos

Tagging: @messymindofmine @toomanycupsoftea @hereghostslive @just-inside-her @laelipoo @literateowl @reyesstrand @reasonandfaithinharmony @guardian-angle22 @alrightbuckaroo @basilsunrise @carlos-tk @doublel27 @fitzherbertssmolder @irispurpurea @noxsoulmate @reeeallygood @shes-an-oddbird @tailoredshirt @ladytessa74

[violetasteracademic]

Yet again, a million years late but I cannot control when I must burrow in my hidey hole

2024 Fic Writer End of Year Roundup

Thank you for the tags, my beloved @rosanna-writer @foundress0fnothing @yourstarsmyscars

Answer and then tag three or more creators to keep the game going!

(If you're in my answers consider yourself tagged if you'd like to play!!)

1. How many words did you publish on AO3 in 2024?

This was my first year on AO3, and I posted 216,682 before the calendar year ended!

2. How many fics did you complete this year?

2, one longfic Golden Doe in a Valley of Shadow and a one shot, Before the Night Ends, made specifically for my beloved @theseersgarden and some beautiful Elriel art she had commissioned by Lulybot! (This one may technically not be finished... we shall see)

3. How many in progress or ongoing fics did you start this year?

Four in progress, all three parts of Velaris Memorial Hospital (which is kind of like one big intertwined Feysand, Nessian, and Elriel AU) and another long fic, A Court of Twisted Fate

4. What was your favorite thing you wrote?

Oh this is so hard. Everything I wrote was what I needed in the moment, so it's difficult to disentangle myself. But I do think Me, You and the Moon Part One and Two from A Court of Twisted Fate was one of my favorite experiences writing. Also some of my favorite things I wrote haven't been posted yet, so I can't share yet!

5. What piece was your most experimental or different from your usual style?

Absolutely Velaris Memorial Hospital. I have been writing third person limited fantasy and sci-fi for well over a decade, and have followed that in my fanfiction. Writing contemporary romance or modern AU in first person perspective was not something I ever imagined doing, but it has unlocked something in me. I am a huge contemporary romance reader, but writing has been an incredible new journey and I have so much newfound respect for first person perspective!

6. Did any fics surprise you - either while writing or their reception?

Again, Velaris Memorial Hospital. It is by far my smallest readership (which I expected, I am new to the Nessian and Feysand arena and of course there's a huge variety of ship and character preferences. Not everyone is a fan of all three brothers and all three sisters) but it has wound up by far being some of the most engaged and supportive readers, and I have been absolutely loving writing for it!

7. Do you have a fic you wrote and loved that went under the radar? (This is your sign to reblog/repost it!)

Hmmm it's a bit hard to say, I don't have have that many fics out and not a super good sense of this yet. I do think my Nessian fic, The Albatross has my lowest metrics overall. And writing for Nesta and Cassian has also unlocked something very deep and inspired within me. But VMH is an enormous project and kind of choose your own adventure, so I hope it gets some more love in the long run!

8. Who is an artist that inspired you?

Literally too many to count but I have to give the biggest shoutout to @elainemg97. Her artistry knows no bounds, and she is one of the best Elriel eggs out there. She is always kind and encourages positive fandom behavior, and is so encouraging and passionate about helping other artists grow and encouraging them on their journey! @stickyelectrons has such a beautiful eye for color, I just love what she manages (especially for Lucien) and I'm such a fan of @santkazoya and @tealeaves-and-rosepetals

9. Who is an author that inspired you?

Literally way way too many to count. @yourstarsmyscars, @rosanna-writer, @foundress0fnothing, @nikachansstuff, and citizenofvelaris are not only phenomenal writers but inspired beta readers and I feel so lucky to know them. @bloomingdarkgarden and @tealeaves-and-rosepetals are magic and pixie dust, truly phenomenal writers but also so available to support other writers and brainstorm and daydream with. I definitely have a lot more fic to read, I write much more often than I read so it leaves me pretty behind. But I'm sure I missed some and there are so many exceptional writers in this fandom!

Oh also, @tswaney17 has stepped away from fic writing but I'm SO excited for her journey repurposing I Do Bad Things With You into an original story for publishing!

10. Who is a new author you discovered?

See all of the above, but a special shoutout to @jasmineandcedar who writes such lovely short form pieces for Tumblr and did a Shakespeare inspired piece that had my jaw on the floor.

11. Did you do any collaborations? How did it start?

Before the Night Ends with @theseersgarden! It started just with @theseersgarden brainstorming ideas for a caption for an artwork in process, and trying to come up with a title/head canon/sweet moment to describe the scene. And then it spiraled into, wait a min... there's a whole ass fic here.

12. What accomplishments are you proudest of?

It has been really awesome to see how well received Golden Doe in a Valley of Shadow was. I try not to get too caught up in what fic is the most popular and whether or not I'm showing up on "best" lists, because art is subjective, and as I mentioned, I think some of my best work has had the smallest engagement. But Golden Doe in a Valley of Shadow was my first ever fic. I was a little baby on tumblr and thought maybe four or five people would read a few chapters. I had no idea it would take off in the way that it did, and it still stuns me to this day. Other than that, just writing consistently, and finding wonderful people who fill my cup and and are so supportive and encouraging.

13. What did you learn about writing or creating this year?

Fic writing is super different from original novel writing in a lot of ways, and I still feel like I'm getting my footing in a lot of ways. I find myself very often coming to my fellow writers being like- does this fly in fic culture? Am I overthinking this? But I think the heart of all creative writing is the same, which is trying to find the joy and a build a story that draws readers in and it's just a beautiful thing to invite people into the visions that take place in your mind, even if you are still learning and imperfect. Because you never know what will connect with someone. Also, shadows make great dildos.

14. Any advice you’d like to share with new or aspiring writers?

Don't be afraid of the work. Do not fear the muck. Lean into the trenches. I am a huge advocate for transparency in the writing process, and the writing world (fic especially) I think is extra guilty of uplifting the work that just flowed out of them and took no effort at all. Grabs face LISTEN TO ME. Your best work might be what you fought the hardest for. Your strongest scene might be the one that had you in a black pit of despair, extremely close to giving up. Writing is a craft. The only way to get better is to write, this is true. But many people write thousands and thousands of words and never improve, because of the notion that writing should be easy, that it can only happen when you are inspired and flowing and know what you are doing.

Do not fear the trenches. Do not shy away from the work. Not everything comes easily. That doesn't mean you are a bad writer or can't do it. DISPEL the ideas that writing should be easy or come naturally or not require deep effort and work.

15. What are your creative goals for 2025?

To focus back more on original work. I don't do well with working on more than one project at a time, and I really dug myself into it working on four stories at once. There is no room left for my novel writing, but I can't leave projects unfinished or they will weigh on me. Also continuing to figure out my place in fandom and sharing what I can while staying away from the things that drain me and take away my joy. OH and letting myself take more time. AO3 is an archive, the work will live on. Encouraging myself to be human and need rest and time away. It's so critical to detach from the need for a constant stream of validation, breathe, and focus on the work and your well being.

If you’re tagged in this, please consider yourself tagged for the game!

[chunkypossum]

2024 Fic Writer End of Year Roundup

Answer and then tag three or more creators to keep the game going!

(If you're in my answers consider yourself tagged if you'd like to play!!)

1. How many words did you publish on AO3 in 2024? 619,247... with the way A03 calculates I don't think that's entirely accurate but that's what it says... I would take off 225k and guess it's more around 350-400k

2. How many fics did you complete this year?

18, those event weeks really had a chokehold on me

3. How many in progress or ongoing fics did you start this year?

I have only posted a couple of WIP this year. I have stared at least 20 more, but have yet to post anything on them. Hopefully, I will have them all organized by this evening so I can start with my 2025 goals of getting them all done or at least well on their way!

4. What was your favorite thing you wrote?

I had the best time with What We Deserve!! It has to go at the top of the list.

Honorable mention would be Mother Save Us From Your Twisted fate just because it came out of nowhere and I think I started the first part and finished it in a day or two like a madman and posted without really giving it a second look. Truly a fic of strange passion.

5. What piece was your most experimental or different from your usual style?

probably Lighthouse in the Woods. Exploring a poly dynamic in a fic I didn't originally intend to be poly was an interesting choice for my brain lol but a fun and rewarding challenge!

6. Did any fics surprise you - either while writing or their reception?

Under the Weeping Beech shocked me just because it demanded I write it but there was very little reward with how sad it is. Y'all know I love sad angsty shit but I always seem to find a way to make everything ok in the end. Not so much this time but I simply couldn't make myself write it any other way. This was how it was supposed to be

7. Do you have a fic you wrote and loved that went under the radar? (This is your sign to reblog/repost it!)

Everything kind of went how I expected it to this year, but a fic that went under MY OWN PERSONAL RADAR was When Even Moonlight Burns. I adore the outline but couldn't make myself get serious about it this year. I'm waiting for my depraved self to rise to the surface for that one. It needs to be a beautiful disgrace

8. Who is an artist that inspired you?

I'm not sure I could name anyone without naming EVERYONE. If you have created Azris, you're on this list.

@queercontrarian inspires me daily with her work. Her attention to detail and the fashion work in her pieces are notches on my bones, that's how permanently they have changed me. I find myself staring at them for entirely too long to be appropriate and keep coming back to revisit my favorites!

@elleybug has a vision for her art that speaks to me on a cellular level. Every single piece supplies me with endless amounts of emotion that just make me want to create and create and create!

9. Who is an author that inspired you?

This question is really testing my memory because every time I read something I get inspired. All of you are just too damn good so if I forget to tag you it's only because I am stupid or I simply haven't been able to get to your amazing work yet BUT I WILL... and not because you don't belong on this list!!!

@fieldofdaisiies for her sweet pieces, @born-to-riot for her funny pieces, @acourtofladydeath for her thoughtful pieces, @secret-third-thing for her weird pieces, @iftheshoef1tz for her poetic pieces, @g00seg1rl for her horny pieces, @pippsmcgee for the dazzling intricacy of that piece she is teasing me with @talibunny30 for characterization in that nesta fic that wont leave me, @jules-writes-stories for the emotion she brings, @the-darkestminds for her dark mind that's like a twin flame, @mistandmemories for all that edging and absolute adorableness, @yanny-77 for the mastery of the dynamics between characters, @fourteentrout for the delicious intimacy, @brunetterebel010 for the vulnerability, @neciebee for the lyrical prose, @whisperingmidnights for the soulful prose, @mudandmire for the gorgeous and unique ideas, @unanswered-stars for the heartbreaking beauty!

10. Who is a new author you discovered?

so so many this year! Special mentions to @jules-writes-stories, @the-darkestminds, @mistandmemories who I really consider to be the big three of 2024 for me! Following along each of your beautiful stories this year has been a highlight!

11. Did you do any collaborations? How did it start?

not this year!

12. What accomplishments are you proudest of?

Everything I managed to finish lol. I was worried it would be nothing at all!

13. What did you learn about writing or creating this year?

I work best when I am just dishing out what's been gnawing at me, and trying to participate in too much just for the sake of it was too draining!

14. Any advice you’d like to share with new or aspiring writers?

It's fanfic, take the pressure OFF and just write the thing! If there is a story in your heart you really want to have exist in the world, you need to get it out and let it breathe! Don't focus on numbers or style or craft while you're just getting started. Have fun and create because you NEED to, everything else can come later.

15. What are your creative goals for 2025?

I have approx 12347576412 projects I would like to get written... I'm here to mass produce simply because I can't keep up with my brain. LOL. But truly if I can get one full multichapter fic completed this year I will be very happy!

[restricted-on-13th]

How to Train Your Ghost (still trying to find an appropriate title)

Low-key inspired by a lot of fanarts and highkey inspired by areaper au I found that's pitch pearl in the fanfiction.net. This is my 2nd time writing this idea (since ive been thinking of it for the.....past 18 hours), my draft got accidentally deleted and I am mad (wrote the first draft sleep deprived and running on 30 minutes of sleep, still is running on 30 minutes of sleep, I'll visit this idea back after I get at least 4 hours of sleep and not low-key delirious, yes I still am low-key delirious) forgive me if i dont explain well or my horrendous punctation and grammas, i know. ill just word vomit/narrate/write my prompt/story/thoughts. ∠( ᐛ 」∠)＿

Tags: Human Danny (more like liminal but hes not a halfa, he does have powers though but much more altered and weaker for his squishy human body but if its a more ghost power, well, he doesnt have it), Danny Fenton is a ghost hunter, Danny Fenton has a scythe, No trio trio-ing here (Sorry, Sam, Tucker and Danny aren't friends, maybe yet), Pitch Pearl (minor, slight, if you squint, platonic, Idk) Phantom is a dork, Phantom is a sin-ammon roll (.....), Phantom is learning all about Life and Humans (mostly humans), Secret Identities, No One Knows

I found the fic I took inspo from! Do mind that while it may look very similar (probably at the first) I have different plans for mine (ques the clues I left behind and the glaring title) but still feel free to check out their work!

Just Like the Story by Kitsune's Dark Shadow

___________________________________________

Danny probably didn't die in his parent's portal last week on Wednesday, he thinks. He was pretty sure that he was still breathing when he crawled out of the portal, feeling the warm breathe he feels his lungs exhale on the cold ceramic tiles of the lab's floor bringing no comfort to his charred flesh as he stares at the swirling green of the portal, feeling hollow inside as he felt that something was taken from him.

Even though he could feel phantom pain on every nerve of his body all the way to Monday, the first day of school, he chalked it up to being electrocuted by at least a million volts in his body when he unwittingly slipped and press the on button inside the machine. Why there's an on button inside a portal? Danny unfortunately knows how it was mistakingly built inside.

But aside from the near death painpainI'mscaredhelpHelpMe, it stands to reason that for a teenager, such triffling matters were thrown into the metaphorical trash bin for more important matters. Like the A-listers, his studies, space and finding friends cause he's so terribly lonely, just wanting to not be seen as a freak. So it really isn't Danny's fault that he forgot about that one Wednesday noon, he was and still is busy trying to find his place in Casper High, determined to find one friend who would like him. Who wouldn't leave him due to him being Danny Fenton, son of deranged scientists believing ghost exists, the local freak of Amity and the lonely loser of Casper High.

He would have forgotten about it until he woke up floating from his bed, face first in the ceiling. Doing the approximate of a reverse dive into his week and remembering that one Wednesday brought the memories fresh, clear and crisp back to his newly (already) traumatised teenaged brain.

___________________________________________

Soft moonlight streamed down from the covered moon as the dewy grass below is disturbed, a floating glow of a silhouette dashes through the forest. Panting as blobs of green dripped from its wounds, gripping its sluggishly bleeding arm. It muttered "No...No...No.....No" as it ran for its afterlife, scared at something that was following it. Blue lights hallowed in green with little flecks of it across it iris narrowed as it captured and saw its target.

The ghost immediately ducked, the wind whistling as though something flew through the air. The ghost screamed in fear as they came into a clearing, sudden whips of air came and dropped in front of the ghost, effectively blocking it from its escape.

A large black scythe stood in front of the ghost, nothing of note to its design but only the tiny flecks of dark green stars across its blade. The ghost stared at the weapon in fear and apprehension as the moon sifting to the forest below slowly peeked around the clouds.

A shadow hovered and blocked the moonlight as the ghost stilled. Green eyes slowly looked up, following the handle of scythe and stopped at a figure above. Foot firmly placed on the handle of the scythe while still holding it, a boy looked down at the ghost.

Black whispy hair framed the boy's face, wind swept and frazzled from the chase. A long single white tuff of hair was partially hidden by a crocheted black and white headband, a striking difference to his dark hair. Blue eyes hallowed in neon green with flecks of different shaded oof green dancing in his eyes like stars as he stared the ghost down.

His face was framed by the moon as he slowly moved and pointed a modified ecto-gun to the ghost's head.

The ghost whispered "Azrael..."

___________________________________________

Notes:

Danny goes by 'Azrael' while Phantom is Phantom, the only one with a secret identity here is Danny and Valerie. No one knows who Danny moonlights as or that Danny for one is ghost hunting, so no Jazz, his parents and since the thrio aren't friends, they dont know too. I dont know about Valerie, Vlad or the ghost population yet as I haven't planned that out yet. The No One Knows tag can be applied here and his...accident too.

I have plans on Phantom but treat him as an independent character from Danny, while he does have a correlation with Danny (soul bonded) other than his looks being an invertion of Danny's (likes Danny therefore copied his human looks), they're not the same person.

___________________________________________

Phantom: We're soul bonded! :D

Danny (holding a gun and his scythe while staring at the local hero of Amity): ....

*silently cocks gun at phantom*

___________________________________________

Notes:

Anyways, Danny being a ghost hunter doesn't mean he doesn't sympathise with ghost. (He's liminal) that's also where the 'Azrael' name comes. He guides the dead, like a psychopomp, and also protects humans from the ghosts and vice versa.

I have more ideas for him but.... I won't share :)

All in due time.

___________________________________________

Danny was slowly stalking down the road near the forest, brushing his upper lip and his hand coming away bloody. His hands tightly clenched as he gritted his teeth and gave a low snarl.

"Fucking Dash Baxter and his stupid-" he hissed lowly as he kicked a can to the bushes. He huffed as he clutched his bag when suddenly he heard something. He looked around, a bit confused and wary when he saw nothing, he clutched his bag closer to him as he quickly opened it and took out a modified ecto-gun.

One of his latest projects in his sudden venture into ghost hunting, he was proud of how much he was able to customised it to his liking. He heard another sound and quickly aimed at where he heard it, the same bush he kicked the can at.

He slowly creeped up to it, prickles of unease all around his skin. He knew he wasn't a professional ghost hunter, he's still new to the whole thing. The world of Ghost hunters is a cruel and cold place, its either being lucky enough to not find a quack to ally with or lucky enough to survive until you changed careers. It's especially much more harder for an aspiring un-allied ghost hunter that sympathises with ghosts to learn the ropes. No back up and No supervision means that Danny has to always be in high alert in case for a ghost attack.

A melodic tune came from the bush as Danny crept closer. Using the muzzle to nudge the bush to the side as Danny immediately aimed.

He stared down at the wide green eyes of an amorphous blob ghost with a little white tuff of hair on its head as it gave a tiny squeaky tune.

"Beewp?"

[deathdetermineslife]

how do you manage to get any followers or friends in the selfshipping community? is it just luck?

for months i’ve been trying to interact with others and follow people, engaging with stuff like ask games and hosting reblog games, but when i try to share any artwork or i reblog an ask game myself, its radio silence. like even in small discords i get ignored so bad

i don’t say this at all to be guilt tripping /gen, it’s genuine curiosity at how this stuff even works. like am i doing something wrong or is the community just like this?

here is my comprehensive and lame guide on How To Get Selfship Followers

step 1 - posting

so a lot of my posts are either kinda general or fun. folks I will not lie to you. these are all stupid shit that come to my mind on a day to day basis. for example, today, I thought, "man I'm such a loser I'm not in college like all my friends r" and then I was like "omg wait. i could make a post out of this" so I did that.

you also kinda gotta be conistent. so i try to post at least *something* everyday. even if its a reblog, tho, I don't reblog a lot of things other than ask games.

another thing with posting is that i do try to make a lot of community based content. so idk if yall remember but in the beginning of my account, I did the "things you can do if you have xyz f/o". i did like,,, I think almost 100 of those ?????? it was a lot. then I started making templates and I made some ask games and ofc I post a lot of general like,,, imagine stuff. oh also polls. people seem to enjoy polls.

step 2 - be positive

this is the big thing. as most of yall (hopefully) know, I do not fw proshippers !! but I don't talk about discourse unless its directly brought up. not only this, I put a big focus on just,,, being nice idk. like id like to think I'm a pretty down to earth person.

if you make a template and people tag you in it, say something nice! reply to peoples art, send in asks, things like that. i try to do my part in being nice. i also just like hearing about peoples selfships.

when people post promos and have the little "rb to be moots", reblog! when you come across someone having a bad day, maybe they made a vent or something, reply with a simple "I hope you feel better <3" or "your f/o loves you <3". things like that, ya know?

step 3 - have fun

genuinely. i post as much as i do because I like it. i didn't go into this thinking "oh... yea... I'm gonna get selfship famous..." like no I just wanna ramble somewhere bc none of my close irls r selfshippers.

you wont get popular or get followers because you grind out posts. literally one of my biggest posts on this account I wrote while I was half asleep one night and wanted to test out queuing on my account.

and in that regard, it is partially luck. i don't control what posts people do and don't like. sometimes I write up imagines and no one sees them. sometimes I write up a post saying "lol go kiss your fake boyfriend ooo smoochie smoochie" and that does numbers

step 4 - interaction

im only in two servers. one server (which was the first public server I think I ever joined ???? i could be wrong tho,,, bad memory blehg) that I don't own and then my own 18+ server. i don't think being in servers does anything,,, considering I'm only in one that isn't mine. i think its more like ,,, sticking to one or two places ?? like just being consistently in an area you're comfortable in.

i guess you gotta just find the right people ??? and like I mentioned, be friendly, but ya know. also I guess tags too? idk if you look at any of my regular posts I have 8 million tags on them. idk if that actually does anything or not because its kinda hit or miss sometimes.

i was gonna say something else but i forgot. see look listen I dunno how I got here but this is what I do ,,,, effectively nothing. also with the being kind thing, maybe this is how I am bc I'm pagan but I think that if you expect kindness back you wont get anything. sometimes its just nice to be nice. eventually you gain a reputation for being a nice person. you kinda have to not want that tho? like I don't see myself as particularly like ,,, super kind ,,,??? i just do what feels right.

step 5 - uhhhh idk im just rambling now

i guess i also went into this kinda like. damn sometimes this community is a cesspool of absolute meanie pants. i don't wanna be a Meanie Pants and just post my thoughts and the things I think about. i guess how I see it too is, I kinda like ? idk I think all these things anyways why not post them? kinda feels like a waste not to.

also ive been told my posts are pretty recognizable bc of how I format them ? my dividers and such. also tagging all of my imagines and stuff with my 🥀📜 emojis. i guess that helps too? because that's how I recognize certain accounts. "like oh there's them I recognize their dividers and their tags".

also you kinda gotta like,,, not let hate get to you. like have fun with it? i know that's hard, but, that's what you gotta do. when I get printer ink (bc. a hoe does NOT like buying printer ink) im printing out that fucking 8 mile long hate message I got sent. but also that's just the kinda person I am. like people being a dick and stealing my posts and telling me to swallow a glock 9mm doesn't upset me, im more like,, confused more than anything because never in my life have I ever sent hate to anyone. also I have had this "I do not care because you're some loser on the internet and you being an ass wipe is no where near as bad as the shit people have done to me irl" attitude.

TLDR; i dont think youre doing anything wrong because I don't exactly know what I'm doing right. i just... do... and sometimes, "just doing" is enough. maybe its luck, maybe I've been blessed by the tumblr algorithm and I've somehow figured it out, or maybe the community is just genuinely that bad and they pick favorites. maybe its all of the above! who knows. i try not to worry about it. i think at the end of the day, as long as you're having fun posting about your f/os and selfshipping, that's what matters.

alright thats all see ya. if you have any more questions feel free to ask however I fear I cannot answer them </3

[bubblybubbubs]

Stuck with Me (4)

Soulmate AU - Draco Malfoy x Reader Summary - Draco finally reunites with his amnesiac soulmate. She still doesn't remember him and he is sad. It gets complicated, they both have issues. Slow burn.

Word Count - 12k

AN: Holy shit. I'm sorry this took me two? years to churn out. But here it is. It's not super proofread which is surprising given it took me two years. I just knew if I didn't publish it the minute I wrote the last word it would never happen. If this is your first time seeing this series don't get discouraged by the length of this part, the other parts are a reasonable length I just went crazy here. Warnings: Smut adjacent tags : @sadgirlgiselle @flores-and-sunshine @pencilupyourass @procrastinatorofwriting @fluffybunnyu @weasleysmalfoyxstyles @bi-andready-tocry 

part 1, part 2, part 3

The rubbish that scattered the ruins of Hogwarts dug into the fabric of your pants as you both sat against the walls of what once was the great hall.

Ron and Hermoine had both left, but you were both still there. It was dark and cold, and the moon light illuminated your face in the perfect way. The same way it had when the both of you would walk around the grounds at night, the only time there wasn't any prying eyes. 

“So I got amnesia, and you ditched me?” You said plainly, breaking Draco's focus on the details of your face. He had given you a brief recap of what you should remember about him and why he had stayed away for so long, it didn't seem to be going in his favor at the moment.

Draco tensed. “Well when you put it like that..”

“What other way is there to put it?” You snapped back, the fire in your voice was so familiar to him he was almost happy to hear you upset with him.

“Im sorry I really am, I haven’t been making the best decisions as of late.”

“Yeah I can tell.” You said. “Now what?”

“You still don’t remember me?” Draco said, hoping you had remembered and were only dragging it out as a joke.

“No.” You said rolling your eyes. 

“I didn't really have a back up plan. I just assumed you seeing me would, I don’t know, kick your memories into gear.”

“Cocky are we?” You said, unimpressed.

“I’ve been called worse”

“I don't doubt it.”

Draco felt as if this conversation was going worse and worse by the second. “You know with the way you're talking to me, you’d think your memories would be back.”

“Yeah maybe they’re sitting in my deep deep deep subconscious.”

“Funny” He said crossing his arms.

“Is that really the best you could do, I mean I am your soulmate after all, couldn’t at least dress up for the occasion?” You motioned to his pajamas, the ones he hadn't changed all week.

He turned bright red, he was going to kill pansy. If this kept conversation kept going as badly as it was, he would make sure Pansy would hear about it for the rest of her life.

“Yeah well, I didn't exactly have the time to pick my Sunday best.” He said. “My friend Pansy quite literally had to drag me off my couch for me to come here.”

“That excited to see me?” You said. “I think I remember her. Pug faced, Slytherin, kind of mean?”

“I'm starting to get offended.” He said frowning. Of course, you remembered Pansy, who you likely interacted one time in your entire life, and not him.

“Im starting to think there’s a reason I didn’t remember you.”

His face visibly fell.

“Sorry, this is kind of a new situation to me, I get mean when I’m nervous.” You said kicking the dirt under your shoes.

“And here I was thinking we were bantering.”

You made a face. “Sure, if that’s what you want to call it.” You weren’t sure how to handle the situation. You knew that you were missing something, even before the moment you saw him with Ginny, something felt off. But that didn’t change the fact that you knew nothing about the boy standing infront of you, your soulmate.

You stood up, reaching out a hand to help him up which he took.

“No use in being among this depressing rubbish is there? I remember Hogwarts, what I don't remember is you.” You said. “Might as well get going, Molly is supposed to make a big meal today, you should join us.”

"Me? In the Weasley house?” Draco chuckled. “Merlin your memory really is fucked.”

-

“Mr. and Mrs Weasley, hello.” Draco said sheepishly.

Draco was assuming that you didn’t know that the both of you would be so late to dinner, or maybe you did and the awkwardness of the situation was you getting some retribution for all the times he wronged you.

The Weasley's all sat around the table, and it was all of them. When Draco imagined a big meal, he just imagined a regular dinner for the Weasleys, but it was a BIG meal, there were mini-Weasleys here he didn't even know existed.

The older ones, Bill, his wife Fleur, Charlie, and Percy tried to remain polite and kept to their conversations. 

Ron, George, and Ginny made no such effort.

Ron was about to protest his entrance when Molly stood up quickly welcoming him and magically adding two spots to the already stuffed table. Not surprisingly between the two worst options, Ron and Ginny. Y/n opted to sit next to Ginny leaving Draco to sit next to Ron, he audibly groaned when Draco sat next to him.

“Manners Ron!” Molly said to him causing him to mumble an apology. It came to no shock to Draco that Ron wouldn’t bother to hide his distaste for him, it was deserved to say the least.

“Y/n is a member of this family,” Molly said standing next to the table. “She is free to bring anyone to join our meals, especially when that anyone is her soulmate, I’d think you lot out of anyone would see the importance of a connection like that!”

“Now go on eat your food and stop gawking!” Molly tisked and mumbled under her breath. “As if they’ve never seen a Malfoy before.”

Draco awkwardly kept quiet.

“Thank you, Molly.” You responded. “We’re sorry for coming so late.”

“We’re just glad to have you, darling!” She said. “How is it going by the way, are the memories coming back?”

“It’s a work in progress.” You said smiling.

“Of course.” She said giving you a warm smile.

“Make yourself at home Draco, for as long as you’d like to stay.” Molly said. 

Draco was shocked by her hospitability, he thought he would get kicked out of the house the minute they saw him, given his history.

“I’d reckon we should get them their own room Arthur. Better than having them both staying in a cot in Ginny’s room.” She said with a laugh.

“Oh, I don’t think that will be necessary Molly.” You said nearly choking on your food with laughter. “I doubt Draco will be staying for too long.”

“Well, you never know.” Molly said.

“I think it’s about time I’ve got my room back to myself, no offense.” Ginny said with a playful grin on her face.

“Believe me, none taken.” You said. “But I feel as if I’m already imposing enough as it is I wouldn't-“

“Nonsense!” Arthur said. “It’s just a few flicks of the wand.”

“I’m starting to wonder why this didn’t come up a few months ago.” Ginny said.

“Wow I didn’t know rooming with me was such a pain Gin.” You said laughing.

“It was almost worse than when we all were sleeping in the room of requirement, remember?” Ginny said. This was a habit that Ginny had taken on, whenever she spoke about something that happened at Hogwarts she would always check to make sure you knew what she was talking about.

“Yeah, I remember.” You said smiling.

The mood at the table grew somber at the mention of the war and Draco grew stiff. Everyone at the table knew of his role in making the events unfold the way they did and he knew it too.

Bill interrupted with a story of how his baby was learning how to crawl and everyone’s focus shifted to him.

“And how did you come to that conclusion?” Draco said quietly to you. He couldn’t help the nervous feeling that flooded his senses. There had been a point in his life where he felt he couldn’t comfortably tell you anything, now here he was nervous to even speak to you.

“Pardon?”

“You said that I wouldn’t be staying for too long.” He said pulling together all the strength he had to not show his nerves. “I don’t recall deciding that.”

“You spent almost everyday of 6th year complaining to me about how Ron sat next to you in potions. Do you really think you could live here with Ron? Not to mention the rest of the Weasleys” You said it so freely you didn’t even notice that you had remembered something.

“You remember all that?” Draco said with a smile. He saw a glimpse of you, the you that remembered him, and he could almost feel the anxiety melt away. The return of the sense of familiarity.

“Yeah, I guess I do.” You said returning the smile. He missed that smile so fucking much.

“Yeah.” He said taking a spoon full of the stew Molly made. Trying to hide the grin growing on his face, it had been you. For a second maybe but for that second he felt as if he was talking to you, the You he remembered. "I think I’ll be sticking around.”

-

Molly was so excited to show you the new room, she kept going on about how it was the first room she had added since Ron and Ginny grew out of sharing a room. It was cute and looked like the rest of the Burrow.

“Thank you, Molly, this means a lot to me.” You said taking in the act of kindness. “You’ve been so kind taking me in the way that you have.”

“You are family.” She said pressing a kiss to your forehead. “We are here to help you through every step of your recovery, and then some.”

She looked at Draco who stood awkwardly at the entrance of the room.

“I’ll leave you two to it.” She said with a warm smile that Draco was growing to like.

“This is cozy.” He said.

“I hope you mean cozy in a good way.” You said making a face at him. 

“Believe me, I do,” Draco said. "This is a mansion compared to my living arrangements these past few months.”

“Who were you staying with.” You asked as you ran your finger along the books Molly had no doubt picked out for you that sat on your new nightstand that had the signature Arthur Weasley touch, meaning that it was somewhat slanted but you wouldn't have it any other way.

“Blaise Zabini, you probably wouldn’t remember him.” Draco continued with a laugh. “Don’t believe I ever got around to introducing you two.”

“Was that a joke?” You said. “Can’t really tell if something actually never happened, or if I’m just not remembering it.”

“Oh, it was a joke.” He said embarrassed. “I never introduced you to any of my friends, our relationship was, private.”

“Except for this one time.” He laughed. “You had come up to my table during a meal and sat yourself across from me demanding me to speak with you, and when Pansy told you to buzz off you told her you were my soulmate.”

“Wow, I sound amazing.” You laughed.

“Yeah. You had your moments.”

He liked talking to you again, hearing your voice was intoxicating, but still, your conversations felt so impersonal.

You still had your snark but it wasn’t you, you didn’t look at him the way you used to, and he didn’t look at you the way he used to. It was as if someone else was living in your body.

Neither of you knew quite how to speak to the other so the room was filled with tense and awkward air, something Draco had never experienced with you.

“I think it’s best if we don’t stay in the same room.” Draco said.

“Yeah, I was thinking the same thing.” You said. “Where will you stay?”

“I have an idea, a potentially problematic one, but an idea nonetheless.”

-

“Are you demented.” Ron squealed. “You really think I’d have you sleeping in my room? I’d prefer to not be smothered in my sleep thank you very much.”

“Weasley.” Draco had never in his life imagined himself in this position. Groveling with Ron Weasley to let him stay in his room, it was almost hysterical. 

“Don't Weasley me!” Ron scoffed. “It’s one thing you being my home, but my room! You’re out of your bloody mind, you’ve completely lost it.”

Draco wasn’t dim. He in no way had been expecting Ron to welcome him into his house with open arms, much less his room. But he was desperate, he had to be close to you. He wasn’t going to give up, not this time. He would make you fall in love with him a million times if he had to.

“I can’t sleep in the same room as her, and I don’t have any other options if I want to stay here.”

“She’s your soulmate, stay with her!”

“She’s not my soulmate, she’s not my y/n.”

“This is exactly why I don’t need you in my room.” Ron huffed. “I have no interest in any of your issues.”

“It won’t be a long time just until she regains her memory,” Draco said hurriedly. “This is me groveling Weasley, please.”

Ron let out a long and dramatic groan throwing himself onto his bed.

“If you kill me, I’ll be really mad.”

“I gathered that.”

-

“We really took nature walks?” You questioned. Stepping on the stones that lead you further away from the Burrow. The Weasleys lived fairly removed from anyone else leaving plenty of land to explore.

“Once in a while,” Draco said. “I think the stress of war really brought out our appreciation for the simpler things in life.”

Your hair was pinned up and you looked stunning, not that he could say that to you. 

"How long are you staying for." You asked. "Not that I want you to leave."

"As long as it takes." He said. "If that's alright without you."

"That's alright with me." You said smiling at him. "Better than having you go be all lethargic on Blaise's couch." Even though Draco still felt like an acquintainces, you couldn’t help but feel guilty. You had gathered from what Ginny said that he hadn’t been in a good state since your injury and it weighed on you, you felt responsible somehow for what he had gone through in the last few months. You felt even more guilty about still not remembering him.

"Fair enough." 

"You know he wrote me."

"He wrote you?"

"He wanted to make sure I was treating his best friend right." You said with a grin. "He really cares about you it's sweet."

"When you get your memories back you have to meet my friends, they've heard a lot about you."

"I wonder how long it's going to take." You say. "It's already been a week."

"Don't rush yourself." He said. 

"I know, it's just so frustrating." You said. "I remember everything but you."

"It’s just the universe getting back at me for being born, it’ll pass."

-

It didn’t pass, months went by, and as each month came and went you both were growing less and less hopeful of your memories coming back. It was eating away at you, the way he looked at you when he was referencing something you knew he was praying you’d remember and how he looked every time you had to let him down. It was the same thing over and over, you would spend time together, he would bring something up from your past, you wouldn’t remember it and then he would remember you weren’t the y/n he fell in love with, those shoes were beginning to seem impossible to fill.

The stress you were under was overwhelming, every minute of your day felt like it was devoted to remembering. You weren’t allowed to move on with your life, to create new memories, not until you had recovered the old ones. 

You tried to stifle your cries with your pillow but Ginny almost had a sixth sense with her keen readings of your emotions, so there she was at your door.

“Y/n.” She said softly approaching you, taking your face into her hands. “Hey, it’s okay.” She said continuing to soothe you. “I’m letting everyone down Ginny, why can’t I fucking remember? That’s the only thing anyone wants from me and it’s the one thing I can’t do.”

“What are you talking about.” Ginny said, “We just want you to be happy.” You took a second to catch your breath.

“Every conversation I have just seems like a test, I just want to live Ginny. I can’t keep going on like this, I’m just going to keep disappointing everyone and that’s too much for me.”

“You could never disappoint us.” She said pressing a kiss to the top of your head. “But I get how you feel, I’ll tell everyone to cool it, I promise.” “What about Draco?” He was your biggest concern. He had the most at stake with you, every day he was counting on seeing his soulmate in you and you just could never seem to do that for him. You didn’t want to let him down, make him think that his soulmate was gone for good.

“What about him?” Ginny huffed. “If he loves you as much as he said he does he’s going to be kicking himself knowing how you’ve been feeling. Everyone just wants you to be happy Y/n.”

Ginny left you alone with your thoughts, you knew you had to cool it with Draco. Maybe it was the amount of pressure you put on your relationship that wasn’t letting you remember it all.

-

You knocked on his door quietly. 

“Come in.” He yelled from behind the door. Fred, Ron, and Draco were sprawled on the floor around some sort of floor, it was certainly an interesting sight.

“We’re playing wizard skittles, you want to play?” Draco said, eager to include you.

“No way man, we’re midgame. We’d have to start all over and I’m winning.” Ron said nudging at Draco to redirect his attention, which Draco ignored. “I’m good actually, I was hoping to talk to you, Draco.” The three boys looked at you not moving. “Alone.”

“We know when we’re not wanted,” Fred said taking the game out of the room with Ron on his tail. “You’re disqualified Malfoy.” Draco rolled his eyes before turning his attention back to you. “Is it your memory, is it back?” He said eagerly, you could almost hear him holding his breath. “No. But I did want to talk about that.” You said, he patted the spot next to him on the floor cushions and you sat next to him. 

“I think it’s best for me, and my memory if I just stop all this.” Draco furrowed his eyebrows, taken aback . “I’m not following?”

“The constant questions, you walking me through every day we spent together. I just can’t take it. What if I never get my memory back.” You had already started getting yourself used to the idea. “That’s not going to happen, you’re already so close.” The thing was that you weren’t. You knew it, and you knew he knew it too. He just didn’t want to admit it.

“I’ve been close for months, this might well be the best we get and I think I need to move on with my life and so do you.”

“If that’s what you want,” Draco said looking at the ground and you counted yourself lucky for that. You wouldn’t be able to bare it, the final look of devastation and disappointment on his face.  “ I can be out by the end of the week, I just need to talk to Blaise about moving back in.” He said looking away from you looking completely defeated “I’m sure he won't mind.” 

“You don’t need to leave Draco.” You said, and you truly meant it. You liked Draco you really did, the issue was that you didn’t love him. The last thing you wanted to do was uproot his life again and make him start over. Besides where would he go? Regardless of your feelings for him, he was your soulmate, and you couldn’t let your soulmate go homeless.

“You were the only thing keeping me here.” He said sharply.

“You like it here, the Weasleys love you and besides you said you hated Blaise’s couch.”

“I do hate Blaise’s couch.” He took a long pause, still not looking you in the eyes. “I’ll let you know, thank you Y/n.” 

“I’m sorry.” “I’m sorry for the way I’ve made you feel.” -

“What the fuck mate!” Ron said swinging the door open. Draco tensed at the sound. Him and Ron had surprisingly become good friend. Admittedly, it had taken a while but he found he had truly enjoyed the company of the person he despised for the majority of his life. The issue with that is that Ron no longer had any hesitation on commenting on his personal life. “Why did Blaise just write me saying you’re thinking of moving back in with him.” “She’s given up, she wants to move and I need to let her.” Draco said, avoiding eye contact with Ron. “She told you to leave? I can change her mind.” Ron said. Draco couldn’t help but feel a bit flattered that Ron would be willing to do that for him. “No, she told me to stay.” “Then why the fuck are you leaving.” 

“Staying is going to break my heart.” Ron looked at Draco with pity. Draco hated that.

“You’re going to be heartbroken either way. Stop being stupid.” Ron didn’t get it, he and Hermoine had this annoyingly perfect relationship. 

“I don’t want to impose on your family anymore either.” “I actually had a thought about that.” Ron said. “Ginny and I were thinking about moving out. We found a great flat, with four bedrooms. Hermione and I in one room, Ginny was going to take one, Y/n would take another and we have a fourth one, for you. ”

Draco stilled, “Really?” Flattered couldn’t begin to describe how he felt. This wasn’t a spur of the moment, ‘we’ll make it work’. They had thought of him when planning this. They wanted him there. “What about Potter?”

“Tried to convince him but I think he’s going to be staying with Andromeda,” Ron said. “Your aunt, he wants to help with Teddy. Feels awful guilty I reckon.”

Draco paused. His heart couldn’t help but feel lighter. Ron Weasley liked him. He was inviting him to live together, by choice. He had never imagined what forgiveness would feel like, but this seemed to be it or something close to it anyways. “I’ll talk to Y/n about it, I wouldn’t want to make her uncomfortable.”

“Ginny and I haven’t talked to her about it yet, but I’m sure she’ll be fine with it,” Ron said putting a hand on Draco’s shoulder and nodding at him. “So you can unpack that bag, at least for now.”

-

You held your boxes of things close to your chest as you walked up the stairs of your apartment building toward your new flat. It would be hard to get used to not using magic for everything, but Hermione insisted on it. Her new job in the Ministry had her more strict on the statute of secrecy than she had been in school. 

“Need a hand?” Draco called from behind you. You were happy that he had chosen to join you, truly you were. The last thing you wanted was to tear him away from a life he had grown comfortable with, you saw the way he was happy with Ginny and Ron, and based on the letters you had gotten from both Pansy and Blaise this was the first time he had felt that way in a long time. He took a box from the top of your teetering pile before opening the door for you. 

“It’s,  nice.” You said with an evident pause. The question of how you had gotten such an affordable deal was instantaneously answered, you turned to Draco to see how he felt about the place but saw no such reaction.

“I’ll take what I can get,” Draco said setting your box and his things down. “I lived on Blaise’s couch for a year and have been sleeping a few feet away for Ron for the last few months. My own room is a blessing.”

“It’s perfect,” Ginny said entering the flat with her own boxes in tow, Harry not too far behind, helping her with her things. “I love Mum, but Merlin am I excited for some freedom.” “Like you ever listened to her.” Ron snorted, your friends fell into their comfortable banter and you wandered off toward the rooms. They were tiny for sure but you couldn’t help but like them. You were beginning to feel normal again when you first woke up and had no memory you didn’t see yourself living a normal life but here you were, back on track. Your eyes found themselves on Draco and you felt uneasy, you didn’t know how he fit into your new life. He was your roommate now,  his place in this flat was as cemented as yours. You no longer felt guilt every time you saw him, that was a step forward for sure, but still, a sort of uneasiness came over you. You pushed it aside, the whole reason you had shut down Draco the way you had was so you’d be able to have a normal life, and that included treating Draco like you would every other person in the flat, like a friend.

-

“Draco your friends are here.” Ron called from the door as Pansy pushed past Ron and into the flat.

“Sorry.” Blaise said.

“What have I said about apologizing for me Blaise?” Pansy groaned. “Which room is Draco’s?”

“What are you guys doing here?” Draco asked.

“Starts living with a bunch of Gryffindors and forgets all about his friends, typical.” Pansy exclaimed.

“I got to say I agree with her.” Blaise said.

Ron walked away from them, overwhelmingly uninterested in their dramatics.

“I haven’t forgotten about you,” Draco said. “You guys are my best friends.”

“Okay we get it,” Pansy said rolling her eyes. “No need to get all sentimental.”

Draco had really missed his friends, he liked his flat mates he really did. It took some time to get used to ‘Game Night’ but he was growing to appreciate the Gryffindor-esque of his roomates. But Pansy and Blaise had been there from the beginning, there were things about Draco that only they would understand, them and Y/n, of course, atleast the old Y/n. 

“We’re taking you out for drinks.” Pansy exclaimed excitedly, shaking Draco slightly. 

“Not my idea,” Blaise said shaking his head. 

“I’m controlling myself now, I’ll be fine.” Draco said. He really was getting better, he didn’t like to think about the mess he was before he had moved in with the Weasleys.

“So emotional, the both of you,” Pansy said shaking her head. “It’s so boring.”

Pansy fussed over both his and Blaise’s outfits for the next hour before sheathing her jacket to show off one of her clubbing outfits, only much more extravagant than anything Draco has seen her wear in the past.

“Where exactly are we going?” Draco said.

“Don’t worry your pretty little head about that,” Pansy said.

-

It was worse than Draco expected, Pansy had really outdone herself. The club was packed, every few steps Draco felt the sweat of others on him and had to stop himself from physically cringing. 

“Let loose a little!” Pansy said, her own excitement visible all over her face as she leaned over the bar to talk to the bartender.

“When was the last time you had a little fun?” Blaise said.

“I have fun.” Draco said. “I like living with all of them.” “I don’t mean that type of fun.”

Draco snorted. “What to do you think.” “You depress me Draco, you really do.” Blaise said. “Do you need me to be your wingman or something? How times have changed, the Draco Malfoy needs help getting laid.”

“I don’t need help getting laid Blaise,” Drcao said, embarassed and irritated. “I just don’t really want to.” “Merlin, it’s even worse than I thought.” Blaise immediately turned to the bartender ordering drinks for the both of them.

-

Draco sits at the bar silently, Blaise had found someone else more interesting and abandoned him so he was sulking at a bar, very typical of him, he thought to himself. He tried to look as unapproachable as possible but he felt a burning stare on him and couldn’t help but turn to look who was sending it. He looked up to see a girl who was intently headed in his direction, he looked around for his friends desperate for a quick way out but they were no where to be found. 

The girl took a seat next to him, “Thanks for the drink.” She said with a slight giggle and she swirled her drink around before drinking more of it. Draco stared down at her cup completely confused before putting it together, Blaise just loved to meddle. He wasn’t sure what to say but luckily for him there was no need for that, the girl talked his ear off. 

Eventually she grew tired of sitting and dragged him to the dance floor. Draco didn’t want to offend this girl so he feigned the most interest he could while simultaneously backing away from her. He was already many drinks in and he still wasn’t able to drown out the fact that this girl was not you. Evidently the girl didn’t pick up on just how put off Draco was and he had to put an end to it. 

He pushed her hands off of his chest where they had been,

 “Hey-”

Whatever protest he was going to put up were quickly shut down by the girl all but throwing herself on Draco, her lips were smothering his and Draco was complteley frozen for one second and the next he was gagging. The girl backed away immediately in disgust, just in time for Draco to throw up all over her shoes. The attention of the entire room seemed to be on him and the girl as many of them began to laugh at the scene. Pansy and Blaise quickly found him and dragged him to the bathroom. 

Pansy tried to stiffly her laughter as Blaise scolded her.

“I thought you could hold your liquor Malfoy.” Blaise laughed. “Time have really changed.”

“It wasn’t the drinks, she kissed me.” Draco mumbled.

“Did she taste bad or something?” Pansy chortled.” God how embarrassing, for her that is.”

“She tasted fine.” Draco said as he cleaned himself infront of the bathroom mirror.

“It’s okay mate, you tried.” Blaise said. “But if you had let me be your wingman you probably wouldn’t have thrown up.” “I really don’t want to talk about this anymore.” Draco said plainly, amusment gone from his voice. He could’ve told them that this would have happened. Saved them the trouble. He was living with you as friends sure, but that didn’t mean he was over his soulmate. Pansy and Blaise exchanged a guilty look.

“We’ll take you back to your place.”

-

Draco closes the door behind him quietly, feel a bit of relief wash over him.

“Hey,” You said from the sofa, she was sat down working on some sort of craft project. “How was your night out?”

He considered being honest with you, telling you that he threw up because he couldn’t handle kissing anyone that wasn’t his soulmate. But there would be no point in that because you were not his soulmate. He wasn’t sure when it had set in but he knew that he didn’t feel the same way seeing you as he once did, so he lied. “It went great.”

“That’s great,” You said smiling up at him. Draco started to head towards his room before you called after him. “I actually wanted to talk to you about something.” 

He nodded before taking a seat on the couch, leaving a seat between the both of you.

“I don’t know how to approach this, given our situation.” You looked up while you spoke, avoiding his eyes. “I got asked on date, and I wanted to take them up on the offer. I just wanted to check with you before I said anything, I would hate to make you uncomfortable.” He didn’t understand how he felt, he thought he didn’t love this new Y/n but the thought of you going on a date with someone else made him want to throw up again. It was a constant whirl of confusion, but you seemed to know what you wanted. The only thing he did know was that he missed his soulmate, so much that it hurt.

“Go for it, I’m good.” Draco lied. “Really, I am.”

-

You posed in front of the mirror with Ginny and Hermione.

“We look so good,” She shook you with excitement. “I’m serious we’re going to kill this party.”

“This is what our last few years should’ve been like, partying, dressing up,” Ginny said shaking her head. “Not war.”

“I’m glad Parvati is having this party,” You said adjusting the straps of your dress. “Melin, we need it. I mean when was the last time any of us were able to feel our age.”

“I agree,” Hermione said. “And we look really good.”

The three of you were dressed as pirates, Parvati had called all of you up only a week ago with the idea of throwing a Halloween party and you had all been in agreement. “Can you tell Draco that he has to go?” Ron said standing in your doorway and knocking on the bathroom door to get your attention.

“He doesn’t want to go?” Hermione asks.

“No,” Ron says frustrated. “He thinks people aren’t going to want him there.”

You follow Ginny and Hermione out of the bathroom, Draco is sat on the couch arms crossed, likely already having received a lecture from Ron on the importance of Halloween parties.

“Draco get dressed!” Ginny exclaimed pulling his blanket off of him. “You’re going to make us late.”

“I already said I’m not going,” Draco said yanking his blanket back. “I’m serious, I don’t want to spend my whole night surrounded by people who hate me.”

“They don’t hate you.” Ginny said, sounding wholey unconvincing.

Draco didn’t budge off of the couch.

“Fine whatever, be lame!” Ginny said going back to getting ready followed by Hermione. Ron scoffed and went back to putting together his own costume, a mummy. You stood awkwardly in the living room, across from Draco. His eyes softened when it was just you, whatever irritation he had at his friends dissipated. 

“The point of this party is to get everyone’s spirits up after everything we’ve gone through,” You said. “You went through the War just like the rest of us, you deserve to move on too.”

You give him a small smile before heading off to the bathroom too. Ginny talked your ear off about how excited she was to see everyone and Harry who had been so busy lately. You nodded along to her recounts drifting off until a soft knock caught your attention.

Draco stood at the door, he was wearing an orange shirt with a haphazardly drawn face on it, “I’m a pumpkin.” He said, you couldn’t help but smile up at him. 

-

It seemed like your entire year had shown up to the party, it felt strange seeing everyone in the same place again. Your friends had all dispersed all having their own people to catch up with, except for Draco who stuck by your side.

“Are your friends coming?” You asked him as you maneuvered through the crowd of people.

Draco snorted, “No, Pansy told me she’d rather die and Blaise said that I’d damper his Halloween spirit.”

“I guess we’ll just have to show Blaise you have tons of Halloween spirit.” You said.

“I guess we do.” Draco laughed. “Want me to get us some drinks?”

You nodded before he walked off, you could sense his uneasiness as he walked towards the drinks, having to get past all of the people who wanted nothing to do with him. You hoped he’d be able to have a good time, you were the reason he was here after all.

You were brought away from your thoughts at the familiar nasal tone of Romilda Vane’s voice, it was the same one you heard gossiping almost every night in the Gryffindor common room.

“What is he doing here?”

“Doesn’t he look good,” Lavender said. “Merlin, how does he make orange work?”

“He’s a murder Lav, get yourself together,” Romilda said. “ How the fuck did his psycho ass even get invited?”

“Apparently he lives with Ron, Ginny, Hermione, and Y/n.” Katie chimed in. “Merlin, he’s got to have put some spell on them.” Romilda said in disbelief. “What the fuck is he playing at.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” You spun around to face them, the look on the three girls faces blanched for a second, not having seen you. “Mind your own fucking business.”

Lavendar and Katie backed away, not wanting the confrontation but Romilda only puffed out her chest and stepped closer to you, it was an intimidation tacit she had used since your first year. 

“We have the right to be concerned for our safety.” Romilda sneered. “Well, I’m telling you that your perfectly safe, so shut your mouth Romilda.” You said trying not to backdown. You were not a fighter, Ginny had enough aggressiveness for the both of you.

“What, are you shagging him?” Romilda laughed. “Is that really all it takes to get you to forget that Death Eaters are bad, it’s pathetic really. ”

Before you could even process that Ginny was right behind you, ready to handle Romilda herself, you hit her. Your fist stung and you shook it as she cried out and gripped at her face, making a spectacle of herself. Everyone was turning to look at you.

“What is going on?” Padma said. You explained under your breath, Padma had always been your friend more than Romilda’s, it didn’t take much convincing to show her Romilda was in the wrong. It was Romilda after all. Katie and Lavender had to drag her out as she cried out in protest. 

“I’m so sorry Padma, I know how much this party meant to you, and to everyone.” You were more than embarrassed.

“She was out of line, it would’ve been wrong for you not to put her in her place.” She said before leaving you on your own. The party quickly picked up, your drama no doubt firing a bit of the stir. 

“Was that awesome or what?” Ginny said coming up you with Hermione and Ron in tow. “Where did you learn to hit like that? Oh wait, I totally taught you!”

“Where’s Draco?” You asked, there was no way he had missed all the commotion. You hoped you hadn’t made him feel worse. Ginny rolled her eyes at how quickly you killed her excitement. “In some corner sulking probably,” Ron said. Hermione supported his statement, nudging your elbow and pointing towards where he was. Standing in a corner of the room while swirling his drink around. You abandoned your friends and walked towards him, already piling up the stew of apologies you owed him. “I’m so sorry Draco, I didn’t mean to bring more attention to you.”

He looked at you confused, “You hit Romilda because of me?” Your face turned red. 

“You didn’t hear all that?”

“Not until she started screaming. Shit, I knew I shouldn’t have come.”

“No, It’s my own fault. I just got myself carried away.”

“What happened?”

“She was just saying stuff she had no business saying.” You said. 

“I’m sorry.” “For what?” “Ruining your night, if I hadn’t come she wouldn’t have had anything to talk about.” “Don’t apologize. You're my friend, I’ll make a million more scenes if I have to.”

“Please don’t.” He laughed before his expression softened. “I’m glad we’re friends by the way.” Draco meant it too. Surprisingly, it was getting easier. You weren’t the Y/n that was his soulmate, you were the Y/n that was his friend and this reality was increasingly becoming less scary.

“Me too.”

“Fuck.” He said.

“What?” “Now I have to punch someone.” Draco said pinching the bridge of his nose, feigning anguish. You laughed and shoved him.

-

“What is she doing!” Ginny yelped as she pressed herself to the window trying to get the best look down from her apartment building.

“Keep your voice down.” Hermione scolded from next to her, although she was equally as curious. Even with Hermione’s shushing Draco and Ron came out of their rooms to see what the fuss was about. 

“What’s going on?” Draco said looking between the two girls and then at Ron who looked equally as confused.

Ginny let out a scream at the sight of Draco before standing on the couch making her best effort to cover the window. “Don’t look!” Draco ignored Ginny and went up to the window, it was You. You were wearing, what Ginny would call a ‘Bad Bitch’ outfit, it was new, he definitely hadn’t seen it before. It seemed like you were going to wear it to wherever Zacharias Smith was planning on taking you in that car of his. This must’ve been that date you had told him about, he wasn’t sure why he hadn’t thought it was going to happen, but here it was.

“It’s fine.” He said moving away from the window. “She told me she was going on a date.” “Did you know it was with Zacharias Smith!” Ginny exclaimed, sinking into the sofa in defeat. “That guy sucks!”

Draco didn’t know Zacharias but he was glad to have a valid reason to not like him, although Ginny’s bar for ‘suck’ was pretty low.

“It’s really none of my business.” Draco said, he didn’t miss the look of pity from Hermione and Ron.

“It its your business,” Ginny said. “You’re her soulmate!”

Draco sighed “I really don’t want to get into this right now.” “It’s alright mate.” Ron said, patting him on the back. “Leave him alone Ginny!”

Draco made his way back to his room, shutting the door behind him to try to lose the sound of Ginny and Ron arguing. He was trying to convince himself that it was fine, he had date options too! He could finally take Astoria up on that offer, Pansy wouldn’t let him hear the end of it, Astoria being Daphne’s baby sister and all that, but still. What did Pansy know anyways? If Y/n could move on, he could to. In fact he had to, he didn’t want to seem obsessed with her or anything like that. They were roomates afterall. 

Draco pulled paper out of his desk before writing to Astoria, he crumbled it up the first time. But the second time he managed a possibly too formal invitation for a date, he handed it to his owl before he had the chance to change his mind.

-

You picked at your food as Zacharias went on about what he’s been up to since Hogwarts. Working his way up the ministry ladder, or something along those lines. You remembered one of the conversations you had with Draco when you were still trying to get your memories back, he was telling you how he’d rather die than be a Ministry Man like his father, and grandfather and possibly all the Malfoy men before him. Zacharia had not no such concerns. You took a mouthful of your pasta before noticing the way he was looking at you, eyes wide with a slight smile, head tilted like he was expecting something. He must have said a joked that you missed.

“Sorry!” You said, “Trying not to laugh with my mouth full!” “No worries, it’s good for a woman to have manners.”

You held back a laugh, but this time not to have ‘manners’ but to spare his feelings.

-

Draco poured cereal into his bowl as he heard the sounds of keys jingling, outside of the door. Would it be awkward for him to be in the kitchen as you came in, would it seem like it was on purpose? It was already too late for him to go running into his room, he had to act natural.

The door opened and he could hear the voice of Zacharias carrying into the flat.

“I had a great time.” Zacharias said. Merlin he even soiunded like a prat.

“Thanks.” You said awkwardly, “Me too.” Draco wondered if you meant it, but he was quickly taken away from his thoughts by the sight of Zacharias pushing you into the door and kissing you. The door, which was already open agape, swung open at Zacharias pushing your body against it and hitting the wall. Draco really wished he had taken that chance at making a run for his room.

Zacharias moved away from your completely still form at the sight of Draco. “You live with him?”

“Uh, yeah.” You said stepping away from him further.

“Whatever.” Zacharias scoffed, clearly upset by Draco’s presence. “I’ll call you.”

“What was that about.” Draco said as you went to close the door behind Zacharias.

“Oh, well we talked about our soulmates. So I explained our whole situation, I just didn’t mention that we lived together.”

“I hope that’s not a problem.” Draco said, in reality he hoped it was a problem but you didn’t need to know that. “In all honesty, I don’t really care if it is.” You said kicking your shoes off. “Good night Draco.”

“Night.” He called out after you, the urge to go on a date with Astoria was very much gone but he knew that the Owl had likely reached her by now. He was expecting a howler from Daphne any second about asking her sister out without checking with her first.

Draco groaned and poured his cereal down the drain, he had lost his appetite.

-

Draco went on his date with Astoria, and then some. And you grew to tolerate Zacharias.

Even with the both of you being involved with other people, the undeniable fact was that it was your day. Unbeknownst to both of you, you would both lay awake at night under the same roof wondering what would happen. What if you didn’t hear eachother’s voices? Draco thought that would explain why things weren’t the same, but he didn’t want to consider that. He didn’t want to replace you. Although sometimes it felt like he was, Astoria laughed a certain way or wore a certain shirt and he was reminded of how he never meant to date again. 

You were stretching, having just woken up when you felt the tug. You were stunned for a second, one of the things you had yet to remember where the tugs, you couldn’t remember a single one and here you were experiencing it again.

Draco spoke first, “How are you?”

The confirmation that was hearing his voice somehow lifted a pressure off your chest. “I’m well. What are you having for breakfast?”

“I was going to have pancakes.” He answered.

You stepped into your slippers before making your way to his room. You knocked twice.

“Come in.” He called.

You pushed the door open and stood in his doorway. “Hey soulmate.” “Hey.” He said laughing a little, although there was a ting of sadness carried in his tone.

“Mind if I join you for those pancakes.” You said.

“Not at all.” He smiled stepping out of bed. 

You were so sucked into the domesticity of it all, the way you and Draco were able to get through everything you’d gone through and still be friends that you almost missed the way he managed to look good even after just waking up, almost. 

-

You were a nervous wreck, dinner usually had away of going sideways with the 5 of you, now with the added elements of Harry, Zacharias, and Astoria you weren’t entirely sure what to expect.

It had been your idea after all, you had made an attempt at convincing Ginny that Zacharias wasn’t the complete asshole that he had been at Hogwarts to no avail. So this dinner was to try and show them that you were going out with him for more than a free meal, and to possible also convince yourself of that as well. And if you we’re being completely honest you wanted to see what Astoria’s deal was. Draco never brought her over to the flat, the same way you never let Zacharias get past the door way. But now they’d both be in your home, fantastic.

-

The doorbell rang through the house. Everyone was here except for her, the spot next to Draco and across from you was empty. Draco stood from his chair to get the door, but not before catching the anxious look on your face. 

You turned towards Zacharias pretending to be interested in whatever he was telling Ron and Harry about, you could see it on their faces that they were about disinterested as you. You wondered what exactly made you continue to date him, he was handsome, maybe that was it. Sometimes he could be funny, and he was very gentlemanly. You supposed that was enough. 

Astoria sat across from you. You knew she was a year or two below you in school but that was about all you knew about her, but she looked exactly like you imagined her to. Her dark brown hair was blown out and framed her pale face nicely, she had light blue eyes that contrasted against her dark hair and her bold red lipstick. She was from one of those old rich pureblood families like Draco and she looked the part. Seeing them sit next to each other they looked like a perfect fit for each other, the Ministry husband and the gala-planning wife. 

You noticed that everyone’s eyes were on you.

“Sorry?” You said, clearly having missed something.

“Astoria was just introducing herself to you.” Draco said, concern etched on his face.

“Right, sorry.” You said. “Lovely to meet you, truly.” She gave you a tight lipped smile as she exchanged pleasantries with the rest of the table. 

Zacharias gave you a weird look but you missed it, instead staring down at your plate. 

The small talk was going well for a few minutes. Not that you were too engaged in it, you couldn’t help but sneak looks at Astoria and Draco. You knew you had wanted him to move on from you for so long, but it’s one thing to want it and another for it to happen right before your eyes.

“So Zacharias, what have you been up to.” Harry asked Zacharias.

“Working at the Ministry, surprised you lot aren’t there too.” Zacharias said. “Working isn’t for everyone, I suppose.” You elbowed him for his brassness. 

“Well Zacharias,” Ginny said. From the way she put her fork down you nearly wanted to cower under the table. “Some of us have a War to recover from.”

Zacharias snorted. “I went through the war too, I’m perfectly fine.” “Did you though?” Hermione said under her breath.

“What was that?” 

You wanted to scream. The worst possible scenario was actively unfolding. You felt the realization wash over you, this guy was actually just a fucking asshole. 

“Everyone saw your cowardness Zacharias.” Hermione said sitting up straight and looking directly at him. “You pushed first years into danger to get yourself out of it.”

“It’s called survival skills,” Zacharias said, not backing down. “Maybe if you lot had some this table would be a little more full, yeah?”

The table went silent as Zacharias pointedly made eye contact with Ginny and Ron.

“You need to go.” You said breaking the silence, you couldn’t even look up at him from how humiliated you felt.

“What!” Zacharias said offended, “I’m just standing up for myself.”

“Get out!” You said standing up. “I’m serious Zacharias, you need to go.”

Zacharias stood up aggressively and the rest of the table except for Astoria stood too.

You walked to the door holding it open for him. “Now.”

Zacharias angerly gathered his stuff and made his way out. “Can one of you make sure he finds his way out?” You said, tears welling up as you made your way to your room followed by Hermione and Ginny.

“I’ve got this.” Draco said, motioning for Harry and Ron to stay put. 

-

“What the fuck, are you following me?” Zacharias said as Draco got into the elevator after him.

“Just making sure you find your way out.” Draco seethed.

“Well, I’m fine, thanks.”

“Yeah I think I’ll stick around until you’re out the door.” Zacharias huffed and Draco stood in the elevator arms crossed until they reached the ground floor.

When Zacharias stood outside of the apartment building, he looked back at Draco, eyes flailing. Zacharias rubbed his face in frustration before mumbling under his breath a curse mixed with your name.

“Excuse me?” Draco said grabbing him by the collar. “You’re friend’s a cunt.” Zacharias seethed, not backing down despite having Draco at his neck. 

Draco ignored the voice of a cop down the street yelling at him to let Zacharias go. Zacharias pushed Draco off of him only to be met with Draco’s fist. Zacharias pushed Draco back and made to punch him back before Draco pushed him onto the ground.

“Cut it out!” The cop yelled getting inbetween the both of them.

-

“Merlin, fuck.” Harry said watching from the window.

He knocked on your door not wanting to disturb whatever motivational speech Ginny and Hermione were giving you. “Sorry to interrupt but, I’m afraid Draco is getting arrested.”

“What?” Astoria said standing up from the table and looking out the window herself. “Merlin, Draco.”

You wiped the tears of humiliation off your face and went to go look out the window too. “They’re taking him away! Where are they taking him to.” “Where do you think,” Ron groaned. “Most likely the police station genius.”

“I don’t need this snark right now my s-” You paused. “Draco is being arrested.”

Astoria stood awkwardly next to you, not entirely sure how to react. 

“I’ll drive.” Ginny said grabbing her keys off of the counter and making her way out of the flat.

“I think I’ll go on my own.” Astoria said, forcing a smile.

“Right of course.” You said closing the door behind her.

-

Draco’s phone call was met by voicemail so he assumed that his friends were already on their way. Merlin, what was he going to say, Astoria wouldn’t find it weird that he punched Zacharias for you would she? Would you find it weird? 

The door of the police station swung open, it was you and the rest of his friends, with a lack of Astoria that went unnoticed by Draco. You rushed to the desk telling them what you were there for, you looked so concerned. Draco found it entirely endearing. The secretary went off to talk to one of the officer and your eyes scanned the room for Draco, you waved slightly when you finally saw him, he smiled at that.

-

“We’ll let you off with just a warning this time.” The officer said, you trailing not too far behind him. “You the girlfriend?” He said turning to you. You blinked staring at Draco and then at the officer.

“No, that would be me.” Astoria said coming up next to you, because she was his girlfriend. Not you. There had been no reason for you to hesitate, yet you did.

“Just keep him out of trouble Ma’am.” The officer said. “Let there not be a next time.” “There won’t be officer,” Astoria said smiling at him in a way that made the officer turn light pink. She was charming, you never considered yourself charming. 

“Do you want to ride home with us?” You asked looking back towards your friends who were waiting by the door of the station, watching curiously on this unspoken game of tug-a-war between you and Astoria.

“I think he’ll come with me.” Astoria interrupted before Draco could answer. “There’s probably not enough room in Ginny’s car.”

She grabbed Draco by the hand leading him out of the police station without stopping to say goodbye.

Draco glanced back at you with a tight lipped smile. “I’ll see you at home?”

You nodded.

-

You fell asleep waiting for Draco to come home, the sound of the door opening woke you up. You stood to talk to him.

“Why’d you hit Zacharias?” You said standing across from him. 

Draco sighed, shaking his jacket off and throwing it onto the couch. He ran a hand through his hair before answering, “Because.” He paused. “I’d do anything for you.”

Your breath catched at the look on his face as he turned to you. His eyes were dark and all of his focus was on one thing, you. He got closer to you until you could feel his breathing on your nose. 

“Draco,” You said, “Fuck.” His finger tilted your face upwards to kiss you before he pushed you closer to the sofa, he spun you and pulled you down with him until you were sitting on his lap. His mouth was on your neck but he moved his wet kisses down towards your chest, yanking on your shirt until you pulled it off over your head.

“Y/n” He called, you only hummed in response.

“Y/n.” You blinked slowly, you were on the couch but not on top of Draco. No Draco was in front of you, shaking you awake.

“Did you fall asleep waiting up for me?” He asked, brows furrowed.

Your chest heaved with each shallow breath.

“Are you okay?” He asked, taking in your appearance.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” You said rubbing your eyes as you sat up. “What time is it?”

“It’s 2.” He said. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you’d be waiting up for me.”

“No, I don’t know why I thought you were coming right home.” You said. “I should go to my room.” 

He nodded, “Good night.” You stopped in your doorway, turning to look at him. “Why’d you hit Zacharias?” “You’re my friend.” Draco said. “And he was being a prat.” “Sorry, you got arrested.” You said.

He shrugged. “No big deal.”

“Good night Draco.” You said before closing the door behind you. You didn’t give yourself time to think about your dream, or why Draco hadn’t come straight home, you collapsed onto your bed and let sleep take you. 

-

Astoria was perceptive, but she didn’t need to be to see your obvious affection for each other. You were talking to each other animatedly on the sofa, bodies fully turned towards each other, you couldn’t get enough of each other’s presence. Draco hung onto every word you said the same way your eyes were glued to his. She wasn’t the only one to notice this, she didn’t miss the excited glances that Draco’s roommates gave each other whenever they saw Draco and you acting this way. She put down the bowl she was stirring.

“Draco can you give me a hand with dinner?” She called out from the kitchen, she didn’t miss how he lingered next to you. Obviously not wanting to leave your side, and she didn’t miss the way your hand slipped off his arm, where it had previously been. She turned away from the sight, wiping angrily at the tears welling in her eyes.

“What’s up.” He said.

“Uh.” Astoria paused. “Can you finish up dinner, I’m not feeling well.” 

“Oh yeah totally.” He said. “Don’t worry about it, you were so kind for offering to make dinner for us in the first place.”

“Rain check?” Astoria asked. “Sure.” He said leading her out the door. “Want me to walk you to your car?”

“No need.” A part of Astoria thought he would notice the tone in her voice and ask her what was wrong but he didn’t, he shut the door behind her and she heard his quickly retreating steps, most likely eager to get back to you.

-

Ginny and you laid on your bed while your nail polish dried, you were reading a magazine while she stared you down.

“What do you want to say to me Ginny.” You sighed putting down the magazine. You had known Ginny long enough to pick up on her tells, not that she was discrete with them.

“It’s not what I want to say to you.” Ginny said. “It’s what you want to say to me.”

“Okay.” You paused. “What is it you want me to say.” “When we’re you going to tell me about you having a crush on Draco!” She whisper yelled. “Do you have your memories back?”

Your face burnt bright red. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Why are you lying to me right now,” Ginny said. “I’m not going to tell him.” “I don’t have my memories back.” You said laying back down and covering your face with your hands. “And maybe I do like him, but he doesn’t like me! He’s dating Astoria, plus he’s only interested in me if I have my memories.” Ginny blinked at you. “Are you fucking blind. Even Astoria can see that he likes you.” “No, he doesn’t!” You said. “I’m the one that pushed him away remember?”

Ginny groaned in frustration. “I hate you so much.”

“Why do you choose to make your life more difficult than it has to be!”

“I am not making my life more difficult.” You argued. “I’m saving myself from humiliation.”

“He is in love with you!” Ginny said, You shook her head and picked your magazine back up. “I don’t want to talk about this.”

“Then when will we?” Ginny said. “When he really does stop loving you because of Astoria?”

She walked out of your room slamming the door behind her.

-

Groceries in hand you dug through your pockets for the keys to the flat. You stopped in your tracks when you saw Astoria, she was standing on your doormat waiting for a response but she started walking towards you when she saw you.

“Hi, Astoria.” You said. “I don’t think Draco’s home right now.” “I’m here to talk to you, not with Draco.” She said.

“Oh.” You paused, “Let me just put this stuff away and we can talk.” 

She nodded walking into the flat and sitting down on the sofa after you opened it.

“What’s up.” You said, taking a seat next to her.

“I need you to leave Draco alone.” She said, not looking you in the eye.

“What?” You said incredulously

“He told me what happened with the two of you.” Astoria said. 

“What-” She interrupted you. “You cut it off with him. So please let him move on.” 

“Astoria, he’s my friend.” You said, “I’m not trying to seduce him or anything.”

“ I love him,” Astoria said. “Do you know how hard it is to find someone when you don’t have a soulmate? It’s impossible, but I found Draco.”

You were silent. He was never her’s to find. You weren’t dead, he would still hear your voice every year. Did she not know that? You so wanted to drag her by her perfect hair. Who was she to tell you what to do?

“So, please. Let him go.” Astoria pleaded.

“What exactly is it that you want him to do.”

“Just leave him alone.” She snapped, then regained her composure. “By stringing him along, you’re ruining his life. You’re never getting your memories back, get used to the idea.”

Your eyes unfocused out of anger. 

“Get out of my house.” You said. She looked at you and opened her mouth but quickly closed it and stormed out. You slammed the door behind her, turning on your heel towards your room. You couldn’t believe her audacity. You laid on your bed trying to compose yourself while staring up at your ceiling.

What would Draco say if you told him she had confronted you like that? Surely, he’d be on your side. 

You turned to your others side. But Astoria was right, you did turn him down. And you aren’t getting your memories back. Even if he were to start ‘liking’ you again that wouldn’t change.

-

You felt lonely, Ginny was too upset with you to talk to you and you were trying not to talk to Draco. Even though you truly hated Astoria, she was right. Your crush on Draco would only mess with both of your lives. You weren’t speaking to the two most important people in your life. You couldn’t find a reason to get out of bed, so you didn’t.

You heard soft knocks at your door. “I’m letting myself in.” Ginny said. She took in your room and tried to ignore the mess before making her way to you. “I’m so sorry if I went too far. You’re my bestfriend. I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine Ginny.”

“Then what’s wrong with you.” She said. “You’re not treating yourself right.”

You stayed silent. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Y/n please.” Ginny said quietly running her fingers through your hair. “We’re so worried about you.”

“I’m fine.” You said turning away from her.

“Is this about Draco?” GInny said, she had only seen you like this once before.

You couldn’t help the way the sobs racked your body. “Merlin, I just love him so much.”  

“Oh sweetheart.” She climbed into bed with you, hugging you tight as you cried. 

“I just don’t want to keep hurting him.”

“I know.” Ginny said pressing kisses to your forehead. “But do you honestly think Draco would be anything but happy to hear you love him?”

“I don’t want to risk it.”

“Just fucking being in the same space as him makes me happy,” You said. “I don’t want to make him want to leave.”

“Haven’t you seen how close him and Ron are?” Ginny said. “He could hate you and he’d put that aside to live with his bestie.”

You laughed at that,

“You’re my best friend.”

“I know.”

“I love you Ginny.” “I love you too.” She said. “So please get yourself together and go get your man.”

-

It took you three days to work up the nerve to talk to him. 

You stared at yourself in the mirror, your makeup was done but not to the point it would be too obvious, and your hair looked slightly cuter than usual. 

“Get yourself together.” You told yourself, you stood up from your vanity with determination.

A knock sounded through your room, it was probably Ginny asking you when you were planning on making the move.

“I’m coming.” You groaned. You swung your door open expecting Ginny but were met with Draco.

“Draco.” You said curtly, “Sorry, I thought you were Ginny.”

“Are you going somewhere?” He asked,

“What?”

“You did your makeup, and your hair.”

There goes being subtle.

“Oh- uh-no.” You said.

He nodded, stuffing his hands into his pockets. You would’ve picked up on his weird behavior if it wasn’t for your nerves.

He opened his mouth to say something but you quickly interjected. “I need to tell you something.”

He opened his mouth again but you interrupted. “Sorry no interruptions, I need to get this out or I’m never going to say it.”

You sighed and he watched you curiously not saying a word. “I love you.” You said. “And no I don’t have my memories back, and I don’t know if they’re ever going to come back.” You choke back tears and Draco hasn’t moved an inch. You so desperately hoped he’d shut you up by telling you he loved you but you continued. “And I don’t need them to come back, because I’ve met you again. I’ve fallen in love with you again, and I know you have Astoria, I know that. But I feel like you should know that I love you because what’s more soulmatey than me falling in love with you twice.” You bit your lip, not looking him in the face as you took a deep breath before continuing. “I’m you’re soulmate Draco, I know it in my heart. I know that sounds so incredibly cheesy but I do, I see you and I can’t breathe because I love you so much. Every moment I’m not with you I’m thinking about you. I don’t need my memories to know that my feelings for you haven’t changed.”

There was a quiet pause. “You can talk now.” You said.

“I broke up with Astoria.” He said.

 “When?”

 “Just now, I just came from seeing her.” 

“Why?”

 “Because Y/n. I love you too. I never needed you to get your memories back. You’re not the same person I first fell in love with but it doesn’t fucking matter because I’m still irrevocably in love with you y/n. I never fucking stopped.” 

Your heart nearly exploded. You were frozen for a second, but only for a second. You were overcome with the urge to touch him. You all but launched yourself at him which he eagerly accepted. His lips caught yours and his hands went to your waist pulling your body to his. You had unwillingly caught Draco and Astoria kissing a few times, and everytime you couldn’t help but get angry. You had felt a possesiveness, he wasn’t hers for her to be touching like that. You let that feeling control you. Things were how they were supposed to be now. Your hands went to his chest and you couldn’t help but pull at his collar. You wanted it off, you wanted to feel his skin on yours. His kisses moved down to your neck, too focused on you.

“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted this for.” You said lustfully.

He laughed, stopping the kisses. He took your face in his hands, smirking at you. “You have no idea.” His eyes were dark and his voice was low and raspy. You could fuck him right there in the hallway.

“Let’s take this inside, yeah?” You whispered in his ear. Pulling him into your room behind you

-

“I don’t get why you need to move out.” Ginny groaned as you pushed another box out of your room.

“I’m sorry Ginny, I promise you it wasn’t an easy decision to make.” You said.

“Is Draco forcing you to move? You know just because you’re back together doesn’t mean he’s the boss of you.”

“I know that Ginny, it was a mutual decision.” You said putting down the box to look at her. You loved living with your friends you really did, and you loved seeing how much they loved Draco. Although they would deny it entirely, by your friends living alongside of you they were nursing you back to health. You wouldn’t have made it without them, and now you were better. You wanted to prove to yourself that you would be okay without them as your crutch. Besides you knew that you would see them almost everyday anyways. Not that you would be completely independent, you would have Draco. 

You were finally where your life was supposed to be.

“We’ll still talk everyday.” You reassured her, pulling her into a hug.

“Treat her right Draco.” Ginny said. “Or you’ll have to deal with me.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it.” 

-

You bound up, sitting up in your bed. You had an unsettling dream, but it wasn’t a bad one in fact it was a pretty happy dream. Draco was there, but he was significantly younger and you two were arguing but you could tell neither of you meant what you were saying, and you were in Hogwarts and remembering Hogwarts had began to stop hurting.

It was a nice dream. Your grogginess immediately went away and you shook Draco awake.

“What’s the matter, what’s wrong.” Draco said pushing himself up to look at your face.

He just saw you staring at him with a big grin and tears streaming down your face.

“Y/n, what happened are you okay?”

“Draco,” You said choking on your sobs and throwing yourself at him.

He was still taking in what was happening when it seemed to click. He held you tight. “You have your memories back.” You didn’t say a word just feverishly nodding as you pressed yourself closer to him. 

“I’m so sorry for everything you had to go through.” You said pressing a kiss to his cheek. He nodded and began to cry too. 

“I’d go through it all again a million times over if it’s what it took to be with you.”

[marjansmarwani]

Favorite Fandom Memories

thanks to @strandnreyes, @welcometololaland, and @reyesstrand for the tag!

Obviously I am feeling super normal about the show ending in just a few days. I may not be as present on here these days but this show and this community still mean a lot to me and it definitely feels like the end of an era. Thanks to @thisbuildinghasfeelings for the idea and a way to even start to express it all.

The theorizing: I'm going to miss this part so much. The long, nonsensical rambling theories I wrote out were fun enough on their own, but to have people both validating them and adding on to them? Times I will never forget. It all felt unhinged in the best way. Engagement watch in season 3? Ice storm theories during the S2/S3 break? Breakup theories during the ice storm arc? Wildly guessing and extrapolating from the few images we were given and going through clips frame by frame? Absolutely nothing will ever compare to that thrill.

The characters: I could go on for ages about how much I love all of these characters, literally every one of them (yes, even Owen. He's a mess but I love to pick apart that mess). I don't think I have ever encountered any piece of media where I truly do love and appreciate every single one of the cast of characters as much as I do this one. Could some of them have used more development and focus? Absolutely. Do I still love them anyways? Obviously. Also, on a personal note: Marjan Marwani means so much to me.

Writing: the thing I love the most about this show is how it somehow managed to unlock the creative part of my brain again and got me writing after years of not being able to. I wrote 131 fics for this fandom. For a while I was publishing at least 1 fic a week. I wrote AUs that I never thought I would be able to and explored themes and characterizations that I developed and built on. Not to mention so OCs (Mya, my beloved). I wrote long form works that I poured my entire soul into (the teacher au has so much of me in it) and works that I spent months planning and writing and rewriting. Unfortunately my writing brain checked out again before the end but maybe someday I will finish some of the things I have started. There are at least 80 wips at various levels of completeness sitting on my google drive. Maybe someday they will make their way off the drive and into the world. My writing grew and improved as I went and by the end I wrote 705,332 words for this fandom. I would not change a single sentence of any of it.

The community: we may not have always agreed and there may have been some drama, but overall this was the most pleasant and engaging fandom experience I have ever had. And I am a fandom old. Even if we only interacted in passing know that I appreciated you and what you brought to the community.

Friends <3: I have met so many wonderful people through this fandom and though we may not talk as much as we once did know that I still love you and that I will always be a message away. My life has changed a ridiculous amount throughout the course of this show and fandom (4 moves, 3 jobs, 1 cat, and a shit ton of medical stuff just to scratch the surface) but there were always people there to talk to about all of it or none of it, depending on the day. There are even people that I have had the pleasure of meeting in person and bringing our friendship outside of the digital sphere. I also had the absolute amazing fortune to meet one of the best friends I have ever had through this fandom and for that I will forever be grateful.

In typical fashion, I have once again rambled. But I have a lot of feelings and the only way I know to express them is writing (which may explain the over 700k of fic I've churned out). No pressure tagging a few people but regardless of if you do it or not thanks for coming on this ride with me.

@justaswampdemon @moviegeek03 @pragmatic-optimist @morganaspendragonss @doublel27 @terramous @bellakitse @sunshineacd @kiras-sunshine @detectivecarlosreyes @lire-casander @futures-tense @dancer-me @maxbegone @iboatedhere @avacoleman @futures-tense

[lucky-clover-gazette]

captive prince book 1 highlights & annotations

chapter 5

indented text is from the book. some quotes have commentary, some do not. some comments are serious, and some are definitely not. most of them will only make sense to people who have read the series. and, like, there are spoilers. so please read the books first if you're interested!

also: part of the reason i'm doing such a close reading is to study cs pacat's style, especially in terms of how she does romance and erotica. there are "craft notes" that might seem weird, like i'm being redundant or restating something rather than analyzing, but those are more things that i want to remember/take away from the writing!

i'm going to tag these longer posts with "sam reads capri" in case anyone wants to read them all at once.

this is a google doc i wrote with overall content warnings for the captive prince series. it's not perfect, but i do think it's important to include.

Laurent moved off a few steps. Damen saw him lift a hand to the back of his own neck, as if to release tension. Saw him do nothing for a moment but stand and be quiet and breathe the cool air scented with night flowers. It occurred to Damen for the first time that Laurent might have his own reasons for wanting to escape the attention of the court.

i appreciate this hint of their future dynamic :)

A silence opened up around Laurent’s words. In it, their meaning changed. Herode began, ‘I—’ Then he looked at Damen, and his expression grew alarmed. ‘Is this safe? He’s broken his leash. Guard!’

context: laurent needs herode to think that damen deserved the flogging, so he took him somewhere private and broke his bindings, framing damen as disobedient. nice moment ruined >:(

‘If you’re concerned that my memory for wrongs against me is longer than ten months,’ said Laurent, ‘there’s no need for anxiety. I am sure you can persuade me you were genuinely mistaken.’

translation: “make it up to me, disloyal coward.” the way laurent deals with this person, who lacks loyalty and integrity, foreshadows how much he will struggle to hate damen, who has more loyalty and integrity than any sane person probably should

‘How thoughtful of you, Councillor,’ said Laurent. ‘He turned to Damen and said in a melting voice, ‘Your back must hurt terribly.’ ‘It’s fine,’ said Damen. ‘Kneel on the ground, then,’ Laurent said.

absolutely no strategy here, laurent just sucks. "oh you're comfortable for once? let's see what i can do about that." also the fact that laurent is trying to appear likable to herode but still cannot resist being a bitch to damen is sooo funny

His best feature was a pair of amazing blue eyes, unmatched by any Damen had ever seen, except for the ones he had recently been staring into.

damen has a talent for thirsting over laurent in the most backhanded manner possible

His skin was fair and his curling light brown hair was burnished with gold. He was exactly the type that Damen could have drawn down onto the sheets and spent a very pleasant couple of hours enjoying.

damen likes blondes mention #4. erasmus barely scrapes by, but the word “gold” tells us everything we need to know

‘Well?’ Laurent said. ‘Can you couple adequately, or do you just kill things?’

god he sucks. also, “adequate.”

Damen thought that given the choice between the lash and a conversation with Laurent, he might actually choose the lash.

‘He’s not very talkative,’ remarked Vannes. ‘It comes and goes,’ said Laurent.

laurent continues to shoulder the burden of being the funniest bitch in this entire court

Damen was sickened by the idea of some nobleman’s boy offering himself up to be hurt on the assumption that it would play to Laurent’s tastes. Then he thought of all he knew of Laurent, and only felt sicker, because of course the boy’s assumptions were probably correct.

context: i don’t think laurent is an equal-opportunity sadist, or even a sadist at all. he just really hates damen specifically, and mirrors the viciousness of his culture to survive

If there was anything explicit on view, it must be the absence of all desire to be where he was.

the garden scene. okay. 

first, context: a possible explanation for laurent volunteering damen could be a desire to see him experience a similar situation to his own abuse from his uncle, since damen is the reason laurent lost his protector. however, that doesn’t quite sound right to me, because wouldn’t seeing this whole tableau just re-traumatize laurent? then again, laurent’s life in the veretian court is pretty much endless re-traumatization, all day every day. so i suppose in his mind, he might as well get something out of his own shitty circumstances, and that something in this case is revenge. misery loves company, after all. 

also, sex to laurent is a matter of control and power, rather than love or pleasure. so to him, both this and the fighting ring might feel the same as any other kind of violence. he doesn’t care about the additional violation that sexual assault carries towards his enemies—and at the end of the day, laurent knows that he himself has probably been through worse. 

the exception to this is nicaise, or anyone else who laurent deems innocent and disempowered. those people, he will try to protect to the very best of his ability. but at this point in the series, laurent sees damen not only as a shitty person, but also a shitty person with power. he knows that damen is not a slave, but a prince. a prince who keeps slaves of his own. so in laurent-brain, i can see how this could be twisted into something justifiable. or just not worth justifying at all.

it still isn’t right, though. they could have done this and been just as horny about it with, like, dubious consent rather than none. i think i would feel more comfortable finding elements of this scene hot if that were the case, but i respect and appreciate that the point of this book is not simply to Be Hot. and to be fair—instant gratification, moral simplicity, and straightforward execution are not very compelling qualities for an erotic scene to possess. i’m just glad that the rest of the sex-adjacent scenes in this series between damen and laurent are explicitly consensual, because this scene would be harder to accept within the series’s ethical framework and the development of their love story if it happened multiple times.

i want to analyze the craft here, but i feel uncomfortable dissecting what i know to be a non-consensual scene in order to determine what makes it hot. but i also know, undeniably, that the events of this scene are hot, and that hotness was almost certainly written on purpose. 

for me, the hotness does not come from the lack of consent itself, but rather the action and dialogue happening on the page. i don’t think the lack of consent is necessarily meant to be hot here—it’s the absolute insanity of laurent’s approach to oral sex, and the power dynamic it creates, that makes the scene memorable. and those elements could easily be reproduced in a consensual scene and have the same effect. so i want to study those elements specifically, to see how they work as erotic writing, removed from the parts that don’t. 

tl;dr: the garden scene is unequivocally non-consensual. however, it is written in a way that eroticizes the circumstances. i can still study the writing where it is effective without finding the circumstances of the scene morally justifiable or hot, in fiction or real life. 

anyway. i'm trying to study the craft of scenes like this, so i'm going full analysis on this one. garden scene, summarized:  

setup: laurent is rumored to be frigid and does not partake in the sexual activities of veretian nobility. yet he goes along with this tableau, allowing damen to be used as a participant. i do not think that this is for laurent’s own sexual gratification, because i don’t think laurent is in touch with his own sexuality in general. sex means something different to laurent than it does to damen, and the other characters in the scene, and (i’d hope) to the reader as well.

beginning: ancel isn’t damen’s type. damen has no strong feelings about ancel as a person. he is not attracted to ancel’s frivolity or weak will. being serviced by ancel is not doing anything for damen. he feels smug about this. it gives him power over laurent, who has permitted this tableau in order to emphasize the power he has over damen.

then: laurent—who is damen’s type, his worst enemy, and the reason he’s in this situation in the first place—starts coaching ancel on how to give head. laurent is completely methodical and detached with his instructions, and is clearly focusing on psychologically tormenting damen, rather than getting off on the display. in other words, he is neither frivolous nor weak-willed. he’s exactly the opposite. 

meanwhile: damen, our pov character, is no longer immune to whatever the fuck is going on in this scene. he is into this and can’t hide it. he has lost the power he briefly had over laurent, and now possesses even less power than he started with. not only is he owned by laurent in the technical sense, but he is being owned by laurent in the horny sense too. 

and i believe that the intention is for the reader to understand how he's feeling—not to blame him for his interest, because this situation is clearly compelling, to damen and possibly the person reading. laurent’s ability to essentially mindfuck damen across the room, fully clothed, is honestly insane. cs pacat herself says that about laurent in a commentary video—he’s a mindfucker. it’s intentional and it’s the focal point of the scene. much later on in the series, i think damen even admits that he was paying attention to laurent the whole time. it’s hot. it just is. 

i’ll point out more specific things in the following passages, but that’s the gist of it. i'm cringing so hard posting this publicly, but if heterosexual women on booktok can post their whole-ass face and gps location while fangirling over colleen hoover sex scenes, i think i can share my messy gay mindfucking analysis on a website that hasn't been a part of the public consciousness since like 2017

Laurent was watching Damen’s face with the same cerebral attention that he might apply to a strategic problem. ‘He likes that. Do it harder,’ said Laurent.

craft note: laurent openly observes damen’s responses, notices exactly what works, tells ancel to do that specifically because “he likes it,” and that turns damen on even more

personal note: oh my god

Damen could feel his thighs tighten, then, minutely, spread, his breath quickening in his chest... He turned towards Laurent. It was a mistake to look at him. Even in the shadows of evening, Damen could see the relaxed arrangement of Laurent’s body, the marmoreal perfection of his features, and the detached unconcern with which he gazed at Damen, not bothering to so much as glance down at Ancel’s moving head.

craft note: damen loses his resolve, looks to laurent for mercy, and is just even more mindfucked by the fact that laurent is completely unaffected, not even interested at all

If you believed the Prince’s Guard, Laurent was the impregnable citadel, and took no lovers at all. Right now Laurent gave the impression of a mind somewhat engaged, and a body wholly aloof, untouched by ardour. The ribald fancy of the Prince’s Guard held a kernel of plausibility. On the other hand, the aloof, untouched Laurent was at this moment delivering a precise treatise on cocksucking.

god, this is SO fucking good. damen is basically admitting that he can’t believe laurent is entirely sexless, because he is managing to fuck him without even having sex at all.

craft note: that is the perfect moment to insert a crass word, after paragraphs of more clinical descriptions. i love that the only time we hear “cocksucking” in this scene is in reference to laurent not actually sucking cock, while it is (intentionally, i assume) not used in reference to the actual cocksucking that’s happening on the page. 

also, "precise treatise" cracks me up, as someone currently writing what could be considered a precise treatise on this scene.

The image of Ancel... was joined in his fragmenting thoughts by the sudden harsh desire to get his hands on Laurent’s body and exact revenge—both for his actions and for his airy absence.

damen’s desire to get laurent’s attention because he wants to fight him, but also because he wants laurent to see him come… diabolical writing. craft. whatever. this is an objective and academic analysis.

Damen was... pushed back down onto his knees. Laurent was seated opposite, legs crossed. Damen’s eyes fixed on him, and looked nowhere else; his breathing was still noticeable, and his pulse rapid, but anger produced all the same effects.

who’s ancel?

additional thoughts on erotic elements in the garden scene: i think what i like here, is that… yeah, it’s horny. it’s indulgent, easily the most blatant instance of kink we’ve seen so far. but it’s not really what i think frequent readers of this kink genre would expect, or even want to read—it is a subversion, with laurent completely disrupting the basic scenario that everyone else (but damen) in the scene wants to mindlessly enjoy. 

but that subversion, to me, just makes it hotter. there’s physical stuff happening, sure, but the real eroticism comes from the words, emotions, and power exchange between laurent and damen. the scene doesn’t give the reader the simplicity of “someone topped, someone bottomed, here are several pages of mechanical description.” the actual sex act is described almost clinically, just how laurent dictates. and it’s definitely not as simple as who’s topping and who’s bottoming—whatever the fuck happens here is way weirder and messier than that, and so much more compelling. 

basically, i think that this scene fails to be hot in all the ways a reader of this kink genre would expect it to be hot. the real hotness comes from the bizarre subversion we get instead, that we just have to kind of accept without any closure or explanation. it’s either an unsexy sex scene, or a sexy not-sex scene. maybe it’s both. either way, it’s insane.

how can i replicate this? 

set up a thing that follows expectations. don’t actually do the thing. do something significantly more insane than the expected thing. do not elaborate on the insane thing, leaving more questions than answers, and move on as if it wasn’t insane at all. this is a good method for not-sex scenes, too.

Laurent, for his part, was relaxed, one arm spread out over the back of the bench.

laurent lean #4

‘I’ll offer for you, if you like. When the time comes. I wouldn’t want you in my bed, but you’d have all the same privileges. You might prefer that. I’d offer.’

context: this is the best possible way laurent can protect nicaise within the confines of their culture. and “you might prefer that”—laurent wants nicaise to be able to foster his intelligence and talents (his "privileges") as a growing person, without having to be a sexual object.

‘He gives them all up,’ said Laurent, ‘even if you’re more enterprising than the others have been.’ ‘He likes me better than the others.’ A scornful laugh. ‘You’re jealous.’ And then it was Nicaise’s turn to react to something he saw in Laurent’s face, and he said, with a horror Damen didn’t understand, ‘You’re going to tell him you want me.’ ‘Oh,’ said Laurent. ‘No. Nicaise . . . no. That would wreck you. I wouldn’t do that.’ Then his voice became almost tired. ‘Maybe it’s better if you think that I would. You have quite a good mind for strategy, to have thought of that. Maybe you will hold him longer than the others.’ For a moment it seemed as if Laurent would say something else, but in the end he just stood up from the bench, and held his hand out to the boy. ‘Come on. Let’s go. You can watch me get told off by my uncle.’

context: nicaise knows that anything laurent wants, his uncle will not let him have. believing that laurent hates him and would offer for him out of spite, nicaise takes the offer is a threat. laurent, who isn’t threatening him at all, realizes that nicaise is right. laurent’s attempts at protection would only get nicaise hurt. the best he can do is banter with the kid and look after him from a distance. this house is a fucking nightmare.

[blueeyedgrlwrites]

Well. This is better late than never, because time is a construct, right? Thank you for the tags @clockwrkpendrxgon, @bitbybitwrites, @0npurpose, @porcelainmortal, @onthewaytosomewhere,

@run-for-chamo-miles, @firenati0n, @kiwiana-writes, @cha-melodius, and @stereopticons.

I've actually never done one of these for any fandom before. But I am so grateful for each and every one of you that has read, commented, left kudos, tagged me in tag games, and reblogged/lost your minds over snippets. 💙

My details:

My ao3: blueeyedgrlwrites

My fandom: Red, White & Royal Blue

Total no. of fics in 2024: 5

Total word count: 47,796

Oneshots (4):

🖋️ love is all around, look and see: (8,915 words, E)

A 5 + 1 full of birthday fluff (and smut, of course) that @violetbaudelaire-quagmire and I co-wrote last year for @getmehighonmagic's birthday, because Angel goes feral for loves reading about Henry getting all the love he deserves.

🖋️ just the way you are: (2,061 words, E)

My one and only foray into TayNick RPF, which I know is not for everyone, and that's fine. Curate your fandom experience and all that.

HOWEVER, as all the BTS for Mary & George was coming out and that bit of Nick saying he couldn't eat pizza because he had to spend all his time naked came around and .... well this is what my brain did after that. 😅

🖋️ summer sun, something's begun: (5,966 words, E)

I'm trying to remember how this one even came around. Probably a convo in the discord or something, but this might have been the most fun I've ever had writing a fic. And honestly, that feels about right for hot dad Henry and his new neighbor Alex.

🖋️ A New Memory: (1,304 words, T)

I was so ambitious for that week's ficlet Friday. I got a few prompts that week, and this was, sadly, the only one my brain was actually able to crank out.

Multi-Chapters (1):

🖋️ (the only truth) everything comes back to you: (29,550 posted words, WIP, E)

Yeah, so I totally failed the whole finishing the fic for the big bang thing, but it is 70% posted and 95% written (I think), but there will be an update soon-ish. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Anyway, this has owned me since I first heard "You're Losing Me" and that song became my hyper fixation for an entire month, because my mind was like, "huh? what would it look like if Henry and Alex had started to grow apart? would they be able to grow back together again?" and well, you should probably read to find out.

Upcoming fics:

🖋️ Love on the Fly: my hockey fic (i can't believe it's been almost a year since i posted a snippet from it. damn).

🖋️ lay me down, give me something to feel: or, the Pretty Woman AU that no one asked for

🖋️ when you didn't have to: my single dad Alex fic that wants to take over my entire existence and I won't let it until the RBB is finished.

Hopefully there will be more than just these three that are upcoming. My hope for 2025 is to be able to break away from my current, soul-sucking corporate job and give myself more freedom and time to take on things I actually enjoy. Who knows, maybe I'll finally write an original novel also.

[lizardsrunfast]

2024 Fic Writer End of Year Roundup ✨

I was tagged by @hockeyspiral23 😃

1. How many words did you publish on AO3 in 2024?

54,629… all since October 30th 😆

2. How many fics did you complete this year?

Two one-shots: Turn on the Radio (my post-election venting piece) and Memories Consume (my Solstice Exchange fic for the incomparable @sarcasticmothwrites)

3. How many in progress or ongoing fics did you start this year?

Only one: My multi-chapter rock band AU, Navarre Records Presents…

4. What was your favourite thing you wrote?

Oh man, this is so difficult. Even though, Navarre Records Presents… is my baby and first love, I absolutely adore my Solstice Exchange fic, Memories Consume. It was my first time writing in canon and I got to explore a few signet and venin theories as well as focus on two non-Riorgail ships (Imrrick and Brennaolin).

5. What piece was your most experimental or different from your usual style?

Definitely Memories Consume. Canon, Dragons, Magic, Smut… all of that was new for me when I wrote it 😁

6. Did any fics surprise you - either while writing or their reception?

Navarre Records Presents… It is the very first thing I ever published and I thought maybe five people would read it 😂

I also thought maybe it would have 10 chapters… but I just posted chapter 8 and these rock stars still have so much left to say 🥰

7. Do you have a fic you wrote and loved that went under the radar? (This is your sign to reblog/repost it!)

I don’t think so? I only have the three so far and some 🏴‍☠️ drabbles (IYKYK) that live only on the RQ discord server—come join us over there, it is so fun!

8. Who is an artist that inspired you?

@lunatrixart, @essjaywrites and @jmoonjones for Empyrean works. And a special shout out to @copperfirebird who has created fanfic inspired merch for several of us ❤️

9. Who is an author that inspired you?

There are too many and I am sure I am going to miss some of my favorites either here or in the next answer but here goes… I will read absolutely anything posted by these awesome writers: @suebswrites (I think Just Ask was one of the first fanfics I ever read), @yanny-77 (the undisputed Queen of Comedy), @skyfallscotland (I never thought an OC would be my thing, but damn I love Remi), @justallihere (Storm in the Quiet was a masterpiece), @ubiquitouslyme (I think Here for the Video Games was my first time reading M/M smut and 🥵), and @caeli0306 (castles crumbling is so fun and VSGTSAS was 🧑🏻‍🍳💋)

10. Who is a new author you discovered?

There are so many writers from the RQ discord that just started writing fanfic this year (like me!) and we have so much fun playing with the same source material in very different ways… I have really loved reading and learning from @saranova, @tegantales @thoughtsaboutshows and @overjoyedisland

@lovemedarkly29 also gets a very special shout out because she not only wrote me an AMAZING Sloane/Aaric fic for the Solstice Exchange (Rewritten), but she then took the back-up idea that she had for me and made it into an amazing Violet/Liam fic (Use Somebody).

11. Did you do any collaborations? How did it start?

I have not collaborated, but I do have a wonderful beta, @june-s-pumpkins, who has made my writing better and gives me so many great suggestions that have resulted in some of my favorite lines 🫶🏻

12. What accomplishments are you proudest of?

Hitting post on my first chapter of Navarre Records Presents…

I never thought of myself as a creative person (my husband has always been the creative one!) and I guess I just needed the right inspiration (thank you Rebecca Yarros for writing such inspiring source material!).

13. What did you learn about writing or creating this year?

If you aren’t feeling inspired, go read or spitball silly things on discord or (for me at least) go for a run… inspiration will come and cannot be forced 🥰

14. Any advice you’d like to share with new or aspiring writers?

Write what sparks joy and trust that if you love it, there is likely an audience for it!

15. What are your creative goals for 2025?

Finish Navarre Records Presents… I have the main events outlined and would like to see the story fully come to life 🎸🎤🥁

Other than that, I really want to write more in canon… depending on what Onyx Storm brings us, either alternate POVs or, if I am feeling really inspired at the end of it, my own continuation story 😳

[blackbatcass]

2024 WRITING REVIEW

tagged: @malinaa LYS HI LYS THANK YOU FOR THE TAG MY LOVE

tagging: desperately trying to remember which of my mutuals are fic writers.. uhmmm @bluegarners @starsapphire @roseworth @lieu42 if you all haven’t done this yet and feel like it! if you haven’t written fic this year my bad my memory is terrible

number of stories posted to ao3: a whole 4 fics lol! i am pretty new to the fic writing game so that was good for me idk🤷‍♀️

word count posted for last year: 64,475 (thank you to tbba for being long af)

fandoms I wrote for: detective comics babeyyyy😎😎

pairings: dickroy<3

stories with the most kudos, bookmarks & comment threads:

NOT THE STATS LOL.. i write for my mutuals and my mutuals alone ok😭 there’s a hole where your heart lies had the most all around with 158 kudos, 60 bookmarks and 21 comment threads. the people love dickroy 🤷‍♀️ it’s ok one day niche comics canon bart allen character study fics will have 5k kudos trust me

work i’m most proud of (and why): to be buried alive is im pretty sure the longest thing ive written to date, excluding maybe one or two pieces of bad original fiction (<- girl who has terrible writing stamina). so i was very proud that it got done at all. also was just very proud of the arcs and emotional moments from that piece! cassie cain amiright<3333

work i’m least proud of (and why): i mean at the beep was pretty dumb lol, it was just a goofy gimmick fic. it brought me joy tho

share or describe a favorite review you received:

i have a lot of comments i keep close to my heart that talk abt themes & analysis i was going for but i want to thank this person for giving me the ego boost of all time

a time when writing was really, really hard: SECOND HALF OF THIS SEMESTER. ugghhhh. double major in humanities will mean you write a lot for class, shocker. so when i do get free time i usually do not feel like spending it writing even more🫣 curse you academia

a scene or character you wrote that surprised you: i wrote you are my sunshine in a feverish haze over the course of a week or so hence a lot of it surprising me.. the ending especially! i did not plan on iris making an appearance in the fic but when i actually sat down to write the ending.. there was no other way it could end🥺

a favorite excerpt of your writing: Damian was a small thing. Cass imagined him wrapping his little hand into a fist, watching blood leak between his fingers.

makes more sense in context but probably my fav lines from tbba<333 that good old gut punch of 8yo cass imagery

how did you grow as a writer last year: improved stamina.. writing 40k is still insane to think about

how do you hope to grow this year: i really just want to write more consistently and frequently. i go through weird phases of activity usually so i just need to get into the habit of writing every day<3

who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer, beta, cheerleader, etc.): this is mostly for original fiction but my partner<3 sent them a draft of my final portfolio for a cw course and they texted back lots of very sweet reactions and also said: ‘okay so what if we made [x story] into a short film?’ so now we’re making one of my pieces into a short film. pro tip get into a relationship with someone who loves ur art. also sway was def my biggest cheerleader for tbba shoutout sway🫶🫶🫶

anything from your real life show up in your writing last year: no one ask about my relationship to my father.

any new wisdom you can share with other writers: get weirddddd with it ignore the rules

any projects you’re looking to starting (or finishing) this year: hehehe there is a donna fic in the works😈 also vague notions of a longish wally west versus parenting & unresolved childhood trauma fic but we’ll see what happens with that

[crazy-ache]

2024 Fic Writer End of Year Roundup

Thank you @littedidyouknow for tagging me! Answer and then tag three or more creators to keep the game going!

(If you're in my answers consider yourself tagged if you'd like to play!!)

1. How many words did you publish on AO3 in 2024? 311,253

2. How many fics did you complete this year?

15 completed!

3. How many in progress or ongoing fics did you start this year?

I have 3 in progress/ongoing fics from this year! I started Divine Punishments (lol oops), have my ongoing drabble fic Choke on Desire, and am currently working on Treacherous Waters.

4. What was your favorite thing you wrote?

This is such a hard question to answer. But while it was a long time ago now, I am going to go with Separate My Body From My Soul. This was the first piece where I really felt like I found my stamina and voice as a fic writer. It feels very quintessential crazy-ache writing.

5. What piece was your most experimental or different from your usual style?

The most experimental was writing Dear Lucien, Dear Elain with @zenkindoflove. Epistolary writing isn't all that common in fanfiction, and then to write each one as a series of letters with another author (our own chapters serving as true, authentic reactions to what we read) made the writing experience feel so alive and rich. It was incredibly fun and creatively fulfilling. I cherish those memories so much!

6. Did any fics surprise you - either while writing or their reception?

I did not expect Animal Instincts to cause a little riot. I made new friends, got the funniest anons, and had people really invested with each update. The chapters flew out of me because they were a blast. Both the writing process and the reception shocked me.

7. Do you have a fic you wrote and loved that went under the radar? (This is your sign to reblog/repost it!)

I personally loved my oneshot for Lucien Week this year, The Fox Hunt. I was quite proud of the quality of my writing and take on a small historical AU. It had rakish, Fae Lucien and scandalized human Elain which is one of my favorite combos.

8. Who is an artist that inspired you?

@jadedbug @works-of-heart @bonecarversbestie @fierling @olenvasynyt Are all artists that greatly inspire me - from their kindness, to their talent, to the way they feed fandom with their amazing content!

9. Who is an author that inspired you?

@zenkindoflove inspires me daily! I couldn't have done all that I did this year without her encouragement, her accountability, her brain to pick...she's been my writing rock since we started chatting at the beginning of this year.

10. Who is a new author you discovered?

@sapphiresandgold @jsmelodies @clarafae @fortheloveofbanksy @the-darkestminds @starsreminisce @olenvasynyt You are all so talented and I've loved reading your works!

11. Did you do any collaborations? How did it start?

@zenkindoflove It all started because we talk too much and share a brain. Just as simple as a..."hey what if we...." And then we just jumped into a Google Doc. We hope to do another collab next year!

12. What accomplishments are you proudest of?

Finishing ACOWAR (Elucien's Version). It's my longest fic and first completed long fic. I basically rewrote the entire ACOWAR fic which was no easy task, but one I enjoyed immensely.

13. What did you learn about writing or creating this year?

The more you write the better you get. It seems intuitive enough, but when I first started writing fanfic again more consistently, I was frustrated how slow I felt. But the more I wrote, the faster I got. You start to get your groove and know your skills. Now cranking out 10k isn't so much an insurmountable task to do in a week. Ideas, plots, characters, world building...all of that got easier too. Practice really does make you better. So don't get frustrated if you're starting out and not seeing or feeling like you're at your best.

14. Any advice you’d like to share with new or aspiring writers?

This is a community. Fanfiction got a lot more fun to write the more friends I had to share it with - comment, share, kudo, reach out to people via DMs...it really is worth the experience.

15. What are your creative goals for 2025?

I'm going to finish up Treacherous Waters and then shift my focus to my Body Swap AU. I also want to explore some original writing in my free time.

Tagging (no pressure): @zenkindoflove @clarafae @sapphiresandgold @jsmelodies @shadowqueenjude @starsreminisce @bonecarversbestie @the-darkestminds @olenvasynyt

[james-stark-the-writer]

well, i figure it's best to just get it out of the way so we can all move on faster from this phase (hah) and waiting will just make me dread going into it even more. now seated for Loki S02.

i really don't know what to say or think about this one. i really did not like the first season of Loki. like outside of What If? S01, Loki is the lowest rated show from phase 4 for me, and it's just so terribly written. Michael Waldron is not a person whose work i enjoy. he was also responsible for ruining the script for Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness, yeah, he wrote that one too. even if the ideas were great (they were the opposite of that), I just don't enjoy his minute-to-minute dialogue, and it all is just so lacking in personality and is so incurious about the world around itself. he is just not a person whose work i enjoy. so i am extremely cautiously going into this expecting i'm going to want to pull my hair out and probably be bald by the end, but you all know i'll give it as a fair a shot as possible.

i did cheat a little just to set my expectations and better know what i was getting into, and i know Michael did not personally write any episodes this season, unlike last season where he wrote two episodes. i presume he was still showrunner but he himself does not have any writing or story credits from a quick glance at Wikipedia so. maybe this season will be less annoying than the first one. here's to hoping. i assume the abuser will be in this just because of the ending tag of Quantumania, but beyond that, i really don't know what to expect from this. i guess I'll be happy to see more of Owen Wilson?

i still don't like this new Loki because i think his arc for S01 was shit and if they expect me to believe that showing him a 30-second clip of the original Loki's memories suddenly makes him go on the same character arc in five minutes that the other Loki — a master of illusions btw — took over a decade to go through, they have lost their fucking minds. i'm going to try to ignore that for this season bc it's irrelevant for evaluating this season because it would have been burdened with it one way or another, but it's still really fucking stupid and i hate S01 so much.

we'll do this in the same format as Secret Invasion just because i don't want to be here for 5 years commenting on everything and taking 3 times as long to finish the episodes, so i will check back in with you all after S02E01. let's get into it.