#i wrote a paper in college it's one of the best papers ive ever written

[multifandomhoodies]

I do park maintenance. In my union of 184 members, there's 10 women as far as I know. I'm on first name basis with seven of them. I have been extremely lucky at the two parks I've worked for because most of the guys have always made sure I felt respected. Both parks, I've been the only woman*. That being said, I did get into an argument with a male coworker in which he questioned why a "girl" was telling him how to do his job. I could have taken his ass to HR, but I didn't. I did tell my management and he eventually apologized. The rest of my crew is pretty good, I get along well with everyone, but there's still subtle sexism. I'm not the strongest person on my crew, but it does always fucking bother me when I'm trying to help team lift and one of my male coworkers takes my place for it. It's so ingrained in our culture that I have no idea how to even combat that. I have worked with other groups outside of my park's crews and definitely felt like I was being judged differently. Being a woman* in a male dominated job definitely means feeling more pressure to know how to do your job and do it perfectly. Because anything that isn't perfect won't be chalked up to issues with an environment, lack of skill, just purely accidental, etc etc. It will feel like they're going to blame it on you being a woman.

One of my good friends in the park system, one of the 10, IS dealing with her manager being more sexist than her previous one. She has a lot of skills and education that he's not fully utilizing. He's giving a seasonal tasks that she as a full time union staff member should be doing, and has done, and can do well. But she's hesitant to talk to him about it, because she doesn't want to be the "woman who cried sexism". I can't blame her for that.

I think a lot of being a woman in a male dominated job is also like. toning down your own femininity. Which for me, is fine. As far as the parks are concerned im a she/her girlboss queen but personally I am a transmasc butch. I didn't really have to tone anything down to fit in and be taken seriously, but that's sexist as fuck if you ARE someone that is feminine. I don't think this kind of job attracts a lot of feminine women to start with, but if there were any, they should be taken just as seriously as anyone else.

I don't know, this doesn't really have a point. But I've been full time with my parks for over 2 1/2 years and been around for almost 6. I'd love to see more women in park maintenance, and it is slowly happening. A lot of the Good Old Boys are retiring and within my organization, there's a big kind of cultural shift occurring of who works in this type of job. Maybe that will open more room for some more women.

There was a time when women did these jobs.

Some of them really liked the work and were keen to continue doing it. But society basically told them to collectively "get back in the kitchen" when the men returned home from war.

The tradition of conditioning women, from birth, to have a distaste for these jobs continued. Young girls are discouraged from even taking an interest in the toys representing these occupations. God forbid they put Barbie in the firetruck.

The truth is, most men do not want women doing these jobs. They complain about how dangerous this work is and use that as a metaphorical bludgeon in debates about equality. But when women actually try to be firefighters and combat infantry, they are told they *can't* do these jobs. They are inferior. Those who are hired have to work twice as hard to get half the respect. They are inundated with sexism and misogyny. And many end up quitting, not because they aren't qualified or they don't like the work, but because their male coworkers make the jobs intolerable.

And instead of fighting to make these occupations safer and valued properly, these men just complain that feminists don't know how hard it is and how they don't understand what it's like to risk their lives for no money or benefits. And then rich assholes like Elon stoke these flames because he doesn't want these men to realize this is a class struggle rather than a culture war. And that feminists and "woke activists" would actually be wonderful allies in helping them get better conditions.

Lastly, there are feminists talking about this. There are plenty of non-men interested in these jobs. But I doubt Elon keeps up with very much feminist discourse other than what he invents in his imagination.

Beyond that, feminists can't seem to prioritize stuff like this in the mainstream because they are too busy trying to regain control of their uteruses.

Did I miss anything?

Oh yeah, fuck Elon and fuck "End Wokeness".

[i-like-gay-books]

long post so i GUESS i’ll put it under the cut

so i’ve been really reflecting lately on my self diagnosis of autism, especially since i’ve been really coming into myself and managing my anxiety better than ever before, and ive been wondering whether it might be that the symptoms i thought were attached to being autistic are just how anxiety manifests in me and the things about myself that i thought proved that i dont have adhd in any way may also just be how anxiety manifests in me. because also even though ive really related with autism and the social symptoms, i’ve never really been sure i have sensory processing issues, at least not to the extent that the dsm specifies in order to be autistic. and what i really HAVE related to is the inability to just sit down and get shit done. so i took another self assessment with this clearer knowledge i have of myself and how i really function as a human being when im on my own and living as an adult and

the only ones that arent high levels are literally the ones that i can directly pinpoint as one of my biggest concerns with my anxiety. impulsivity is the one that makes adhders more likely to butt into conversations or keep going on for a long time or make decisions and later regret them. as you may have noticed i am particularly long winded when im typing, but is that true of me in real life? like at all? not really. i struggle to get two words out sometimes. i was selectively mute in my childhood. i can say for a fact that the reason for this in my hyper-awareness of the potential of making a faux pas or embarrassing myself in social situations. and i have decision paralysis due to the same phenomenon. im very aware of the potential of disappointing other people if i make a bad decision. im not sure if impulsivity would manifest itself in the “typical” adhd way if my anxiety wasn’t there, but i have no way of ever knowing that because it is.

and forgetfulness. i beat that shit out of myself when i was younger. i can clearly remember a time in elementary school, then in middle school, then in high school (before i started writing sticky notes for myself) when i would get myself in trouble just simply because of forgetting about assignments. my family is very academically oriented. my parents wouldnt be SUPER mad at me if i was trying my best and didnt get good grades, but i knew they would be disappointed if i didnt try my best. i have so many systems in place so as to never ever forget about schoolwork any more. you have no clue how revolutionary it is for me that college professors actually put all of the assignments for the semester of the syllabus. one of my biggest gripes about high school was that the teachers would just assign homework seemingly at random? it was easy to forget if you werent writing it all down, ok? and for appointments? same deal. my parents kind of took care of the remembering appointments part before i got older and by now i do have these systems in place for myself. i do often forget to make calls, mostly because i dont make a point of writing it down as a task for myself because making calls gives me anxiety. yeah.

also i sat here and took this assessment and wrote all of this instead of working on my 2000 word midterm paper due next tuesday for which i have exactly one sentence written. listen, procrastination is a universal trait, but i just felt like it was relevant.

[parkaiur]

[Real]istic Fiction - Mashiho

❀ Fluff + comedy ft. brother!Junkyu

❀ Word Count: 8.8 K

❀ After getting your first F on a creative writing assignment, and your first F EVER, you start to lose confidence in your writing abilities. Thankfully, your professor gives you one more shot, but this time, you can’t write something you’re comfortable with, leaving you with more and more insecurities about your writing. Soon your brother and best friend launch Operation: [Real]istic Fiction, or also called Operation: Making the boy in your creative writing class fall in love with you... but that’s too long. As the week goes on and you start to become less and less like yourself; you start to wonder if the boy you’re seducing is really the one you like... and why does your heart beat a bit faster when you see your best friend? 

❀ dedicated to all the fanfiction writers out there ♡

❀ A/N: this was written with all the fanfiction writers in mind :) and also this particular character resonates with me a lot since im (obviously) a fanfiction writer myself and there’s lots of prejudice surrounding it & sometimes it can affect me,, not only with the prejudice but with the pressure from the expectations :( and sometimes it’s hard for me to write about something ive never experienced or never felt comfortable with... hmmm /sigh/ i wish i had a mashiho and junkyu and all of the other characters in here hehe,, no spoils :0 

i hope you guys enjoy this one because i really enjoyed writing it! 

-------

“F?!?! I got an F?!” 

I shouted in my seat, feeling anger run through my veins. My professor looked at me with a pitiful, yet stern face. 

“Y/N, I’m open to discussing grades after class. Come meet me if you have the time.” She whipped her head around and ignored me once again, leaving me to feel hopeless and lost at the terrible grade. 

No, it’s not like I was the best student. I got some A’s, but got mostly B’s and C’s, especially in my first quarter at college, but I wasn’t an F student. This was one of the biggest essays of this quarter and I could NOT let this tank my whole grade. 

Creative writing was one of the only classes I felt confident in, and at this grade, I felt like a total loser and jipped of something people always told me I was good at. I was one of the most popular fanfiction writers online and to receive a grade as bad as this was embarrassing!

“Class is over, talk to me if you have questions about the essay or grade.” 

“It’s okay, y/n, Irene is a tough cookie. She is probably just doing this to push you.” My classmate, Byounggon told me. I nodded and tightened the straps on my backpack to release my anger. I tightened them, and loosened them, something I did when I was nervous. 

Byounggon was three years older than me, so I decided to put my trust in him. “I hope you’re right or else I’m going to tear out all my hair.” I said dramatically as he let out a bark of laughter. 

“See you later, kid.” I waved him off as I stormed over to Irene’s desk.

“An F...” I trailed off, wiggling my fingers at her. She scoffed and took a look at my paper. “You told me I was an amazing writer when we did timed writing in class, how could this be? Is this a mistake?” I shot questions at her as she adjusted her glasses calmly.

Even looking at her made me angry.

She sighed and cleaned her desk with a serene face. “Y/n, you’re an amazing writer yes, and to be honest, I was very disappointed with your writing for this short story.” I furrowed my brows and looked at my writing. It wasn’t a big difference from what I wrote in class, how could it be so bad?

“Can I ask how? It has no comments on here.” The professor sighed and didn’t look at me as she talked to me, twiddling a pencil in her hands. 

I grew impatient at her actions as I still had lots of homework to do. “Y/n, this is plagiarism. It was ungradable.” 

My eyes widened at her profound accusation. “Excuse me?” I spat.

She then locked eyes with me and looked at me tiredly. “Y/n, you used characters from a book that was already written. That’s plagiarism-”

“No! That’s not, yes, these characters have names already, but I gave them a new life, a new personality, a new story!” Irene patted me on the shoulder.

“Honey, fanfiction is not professional. I’m sorry, but my word is final.” 

I felt tears threatening to fall from my eyes, but I couldn’t cry in front of her. She noticed my sad mood and sighed. “Ok, here’s the deal. I wouldn’t offer this to lots of people, but I know your potential.”

I nodded quickly, my hair whipping in my face.

“I’ll give you til’ next Monday. A week and a couple of days to write a new story for me. A real one, with your ideas- not fanfiction. Got it?” I nodded furiously. “Ok, I trust you, don’t let me down!” 

I scurried out of her classroom, my tears finally falling in anger. I wiped them away. 

“Woah, woah, woah, why are you crying? Are you okay?” 

At the familiar voice, I sobbed harder and fell onto the boy’s broad chest. “Woah there,” he exclaimed. He rubbed my back and patted my head slowly even though he didn’t know the situation. 

“Mashiho.” I whined softly. He sighed and hugged me tighter. I loved hugging Mashiho, he felt so firm and buff. Even though he was on the shorter side, he felt manly whenever I held him. 

He pulled away and looked at me in the eyes. “Y/n...” He tried not to laugh at my crying face. I slapped him lightly on the cheeks. He gasped and started to laugh. 

“Stop laughing!!” I cried harder at his teasing face. His face turned serious and he wiped my tears. “Ok, ok, tell Mashi what’s wrong.” I sniffled and wiped my tears on his sleeve.

“Professor Bae gave me an F on my short story!” At my announcement, I cried harder onto his shoulder. People in the courtyard stared at us, but I didn’t care at the moment. I had worse things going on in my life. 

“Look, tell me more about it at the dorm, c’mon.” He picked me up and I just held onto him like a baby.

My dorm was a 10 minute walk from campus, but Mashiho got me there in 8. I guess it helped to work out. 

“Y/n, we need to climb the stairs now.” I nodded and ran up the stairs with him, not wanting my dorm mates to see me.

Mashiho and I had been best friends since he moved here from Japan in our sophomore of high school. I was quite the introvert and hated to talk to people on top of that. I was constantly annoyed and hated to converse with my peers. 

Mashiho and I clicked immediately as he was persistent on becoming my friend, the moody girl in his biology class. 

I used to like Mashiho when we first met. He was that nice guy. And a pretty one at that. All the girls talked about him, fawning over his good looks and nice body, and a kind personality on top of all that. I almost felt proud that I was the one he talked to everyday. That I was the one he talked to about his problems, his concerns, and his good days. 

I thought he didn’t take interest in those other girls until he told me he liked a girl in our biology class a few months later. They were dating the next day. 

And I never liked him again. It was one of those fleeting crushes that wasn’t really a real love. 

I’d never been in love. 

“Hello? Y/n?” Mashiho’s hand fluttered over my face. “Open the door?” I sniffled and unlocked it. I immediately ran in and plopped on my bed. 

I let out small cries and sobs into my pillow, feeling the anger and sadness leave my body. The bed shifted and Mashi laid next to me, pulling me close to him. 

“Woah, not too close!” My eyes shot open and I looked to my right. 

“Junkyu!? What are you doing here?!” My older brother laughed and dangled keys in front of me.

“I’m chilling in your dorm, duh. I was getting bored.” He lifted the keys again. “Oh yeah, I stole your keys and made a copy of them.” I groaned and laid back on my bed. Mashiho rubbed my back in soothing patterns.

Junkyu was one year older than me and unfortunately, the only college that accepted me was the one he went to. Don’t get me wrong, I love my brother, but comparing me and him, he was the one everybody loved. I was the one everyone tolerated.

“Hey dude, how was class?” Junkyu asked Mashiho. The younger boy shrugged.

“Alright, much more interesting after y/n came running into my arms sobbing.” I flicked him on the forehead and he scooted down to hug me. “I’m joking.” He said softly, making my heart race. 

“What?? Why are you crying y/n??” Junkyu cried, jumping onto my bed. Oh great, the dorm beds barely fit one person, now there were three. 

“Irene gave me an F on my short story because she said it was plagiarism! How dare she! I’ve been writing fanfiction my entire life, and never once has anyone told me that what I was writing was wrong!” I shouted into my pillow. I felt the both of them pat me on the head, soothing my anger. But it just made me more angry. I shooed their hands away and shot up. 

“y/n, I mean, how did you think writing fanfiction was going to go in your class?” Junkyu said carefully. I could see Mashi shaking his head at him. I pushed Junkyu off my bed and hugged Mashiho tighter.

“Ow, you dick-” Mashiho pushed Junkyu and shooed him away.

“What he means y/n, is that did your professor tell you if you can make up the grade?” Mashiho said while patting my head. I always felt calmer in his hands. 

I sighed and nodded. “Yeah, she told me I could rewrite a whole new short story by next Monday, then she would give me the credit on however I wrote that.” The two boy’s shot up.

“Oh my God, y/n, that’s amazing! You can do that, one hundred percent!” Junkyu slapped my back which made me yelp. Mashiho laughed and immediately soothed it. “What he said, without the slap.” I glared at Junkyu and laid back down.

These boys wouldn’t understand, they’ve been in love twice. They didn’t have the same problem as me.

I sighed loudly which didn’t go unnoticed to Mashiho’s ears. “What’s bothering you?” He stared at me with his big doe eyes, and I know I couldn’t lie to him. I leaned against my wall and stared at the two of them.

“I just... I just can’t write ‘real’ stories. It feels weird to me... Like I get writing for characters that already exist because I can see their love.” I sighed loudly. “I’ve never been in love, so I don’t know how to write it. It’s hard for me to show my emotions and be so vulnerable.” I whined. 

The two boys were silent at my confession, which made me nervous. The silence was cut by my annoying older brother.

He laughed and stared at me like it was obvious. “What?” I snapped.

He laughed again. “It’s obvious.” Mashiho looked at Junkyu in confusion. 

“What?” Mashiho asked. Junkyu sighed and stood up. He grabbed a whiteboard. 

“It’s easy. You need to fall in love.”

❀ ❀ ❀

Mashiho and I stared at the older boy with bug eyes.

“What the fuck?” 

Junkyu sighed and started to write something down. “Seriously! You just need to fall in love and then you can write your story. You said that you have never been in love so you never have felt vulnerable or weak in that sense, so you need to get yourself to experience it. It’s simple.” 

I exchanged glances with Mashiho who was staring dumbly at the wall. 

I wiggled my nose and stared into my brother’s eyes. “Ok... you know, when you say it that way, it kinda makes sense. I just need more experiences.” Junkyu clapped his hands.

“YES! Experiences, you just need to put yourself out there a little bit. Everyone knows you as that weird writer chick who likes to read and plot everyone’s murder, so you need to try and break out of that! Like go to parties, flirt with boys, I don’t know, wear revealing clothes...” 

Junkyu trailed off and wrote something on the board. “We’ll call it Operation: Realistic Fiction. Brackets over the Real because this will be your fiction novel, and it’ll very much be real. You get to be the protagonist this time!” He said cheerfully. I glanced over to Mashiho who was boredly tossing a ball against my bed. 

“What do you think, Mashi?” I asked with a soft voice, twiddling my fingers round and round. 

His approval meant a lot to me, and I don’t think I could go through with this whacky plan without it. 

The boy locked in my eyes with cold eyes that I almost fell back. But then he smiled, a familiar Mashiho smile. “It sounds crazy, but I think it has good aspects.” Junkyu squealed and hugged the boy. 

“Great! It’s a go, now, let’s think of boys that I think are a good fit for you.” 

He jotted down a name. “Yoonbin?” I cringed and scooted away. “Hell no, too emo and angsty for me.” Mashiho nodded in agreement. Junkyu crossed off the name.

“Ok, um, how about Jihoon?” I shook my head. 

“No, no, he’s a little... too much for me.” Junkyu nodded and crossed his name off. He then thought long and hard and wrote a name down quickly.

“How about Byounggon hyung? He’s charming, nice, sweet, funny, handsome, smart, and easy to talk to.” Junkyu went on and on about him. “He’s a perfect fit for you, he’s like one of those boys in those cheesy books you read!” 

I blushed and twiddled my thumbs. Byounggon was a really nice guy and he was easy to talk to. And him being in my creative writing class would help a lot.

I bit my lip and twirled my hair in my finger.��“You’re right, Junkyu. Byounggon would be a perfect guy to fall in love with.” The two boys high-fived, and suddenly I had no choice. 

I saw Mashiho’s happy smile when Byounggon’s name was announced, making me lose hope that maybe Mashiho wouldn’t want me to go through with this plan. 

“Ok, fine, operation, fall in love with Byounggon. And have him fall in love with me?” I questioned.

The two boys nodded. 

“Good, now, the planning. We only have one week to do this, we have to start planning now!

❀ ❀ ❀

Junkyu left my dorm after two hours of planning, which made my head throb in pain. 

“My brother is dumb and smart at the same time.” Mashiho nodded and pulled some apple juice out of my fridge. 

“That he is. But are you sure about this? You’re kind of... shy and uhhh aggressive.” He noted. I rolled my eyes and sipped out of his cup, the apple juice giving me some sugar. 

“I’m sure. I need to put myself out there, plus, Byounggon is nice, even if this doesn’t work out, he’ll still be my friend. But, with Junkyu’s help, I think it could possibly... work.” I said with a hopeful tone. Mashiho snorted at my voice. “What’s so funny?” I glared. 

The boy said nothing and just shrugged. “Nothing. You hungry?” I nodded as he threw me a ham and cheese sandwich that was in my fridge. I caught with ease as he took the tuna. 

“How was your day? You didn’t say much.” I asked him. He shrugged and munched on his sandwich.

“Nothing that exciting. Nothing too bad. I mean, some girls asked me for my numbers, but that’s it.” I rolled my eyes and bit my sandwich angrily.

“Wow, you say that say calmly. If a boy asked me for my number, I would faint.” Mashiho laughed and took a sip of juice.

“No you wouldn’t, it’s not that crazy.” For you, I wanted to say. Mashiho was always being followed by girls and I’ll admit, I liked it when he ignored them for me. Mashiho was still my best friend despite having so many admirers. 

I tossed my napkin away and sat back down. Before I could say anything, I heard my door open, signaling the arrival of my roomie.

She was with her boyfriend who was walking her in. “Hey, y/n, hey, hot boy.” She winked at Mashiho as soon as her boyfriend left. Mashiho gave her an awkward smile.

“Hey.”

“Hey Jessica.” 

Jessica was always trying to get with Mashiho. I somewhat think she’s joking, but sometimes I don’t. 

“Um, I’d better go now, that calculus homework won’t do itself.” Jessica laughed and waved to him.

“Bye, Mashi~” She cooed. I resisted the urge to barf. 

He waved to the girl and then to me. “Later, Mashiho.” 

“Later.” 

Then he left. 

“Ugh, he’s so hot, how haven’t you guys hooked up already?” I choked wildly on my apple juice. “Like forreals, have you seen that boy? Yum.” I rolled my eyes and hid my blush.

“We are just friends, Jessica. Nothing more, nothing less.” I narrowed my eyes at her and she backed away, holding her arms up. 

“Fine, fine, I’ll back down.” 

I bit my lip, wondering to tell her about Byounggon. Jessica wasn’t the smartest person, but she was good at getting boys. This was her third boyfriend since getting into college. And we started school in August. It was January. 

And that was not counting her multiple flings inbetween.

“Um, I actually like this boy named Byounggon.” Her eyes widened and she tossed her lolipop she was fiddling in her mouth.

I cringed at her intense gaze. “Really? I mean, Byounggon is hot, but I always thought you had the hots for Mashiho. Anyways, good for you!” She cheered, patting me on the shoulder.

I shook as she patted me harshly. I cleared my throat, “Um, would it be bad if I started to borrow your clothes too? Like with your permission of course.” 

She paused what she was doing and stared at me with her intense cat eyes. “Dude... of course. What the fuck, take anything you want as long as you give it back. Show him what he needs, rawr!” 

I hoped I wouldn’t regret this.

❀ ❀ ❀ 

1. You must talk to him, initiating conversation shows that you’re interested. 

I looked at the notes Junkyu typed in my phone and took a deep breath. You can do this, y/n. I walked into my creative writing class and saw Byounggon already sitting there, playing on his phone with his hood up. 

I carefully took the seat next to him, and smiled at him. He glanced up at his phone and smiled back.

I wiped my palms on my jeans as I prepared myself for the conversation.

“Hey, Byounggon, how was your day today?” I asked kindly. The boy set down his phone and thought about it for a while. “Hmmm, good question. I would probably say pretty good so far. How ‘bout you?”

 I noticed his soft smile and kind eyes as he said those words. Is it working? How will I know if it’s working? 

I bit my lip, searching for a cute answer. “Um, not too shabby. Better now that I’m in this class.” I said honestly. I liked this class a lot, despite my grade falling drastically at the F. I mean, I could improve it by writing my short story, so I tried to stay positive.

Byounggon smiled and twiddled his pencil. “Oh really, what makes you like it so much?” He gave me a taunting smile as I didn’t know what to say. Shit, flirting wasn’t this early.. what do I do? 

Suddenly, I heard a bunch of papers slam on the desk. “Ok class, get ready to write!” 

Phew, saved by Irene. 

❀ ❀ ❀ 

“How’d it go?” Mashiho asked. I grumbled as I took a harsh bite of my apple.

“I don’t know! Um, so basically I told him that I liked our creative writing class and then he was like ‘what makes you like it so much’ and I think he wanted me to say he was the reason?? Am I wrong?” I practically yelled at Mashiho.

The boy chuckled and set me down gently. “Yes, that’s what he wanted. That means you’re doing great, y/n. See? Boys like you.” He ruffled my hair, then his phone started to ring.

“Hello?” He answered quickly. “Um, yeah, I’m free, what’s up?” I felt kind of hurt that he said he was free since we were hanging out. But I guess we see each other every single day. “Uh, yeah, sure. I’ll be there.” 

He hung up the phone and gave me an apologetic look. “Sorry, um, I have to go now.” He said, slipping on his shoes. 

I bite my apple once more.“What for?” 

He sighed and slipped on his jacket in a frenzy. “Um, this girl I’ve been seeing, she just asked me to have lunch so... yeah.” 

I nodded and gave him a thumbs up.“Cool, cool, have fun! Wear protection.” He rolled his eyes and flicked me on the arm.

“Whatever, weirdo. See you later, prepare for tomorrow!” I nodded forcefully and closed the door, trying not to let my sudden aching heart get in the way of Operation: [Real]istic Fiction. 

❀ ❀ ❀ 

2. You must compliment him. Guys LOVE to be complimented and it also shows that you’re interested. Make sure you seem really interested in what you’re complimenting so that he knows it’s not just you being nice. Be deliberate.

I sat down, earlier than Byounggon today and prepared a compliment. He walked in with a black hoodie and black jeans. His earrings were in today, and I had to admit, he looked good. 

Really good. 

“Hey, I really like your earrings, they look cool.” I complimented as sincerely as I could. The boy fiddled with his earrings and smiled. “Thanks, dude. I just got these.” 

They dangled down and wiggled as he kept moving his face. I’ll admit it, I like guys with piercings. “Nice pick.” 

He nodded and gave me another dimpled smile.

The professor walked in, cutting our conversation short. “I like your earrings too, they’re cute.” He whispered in my ear. 

I blushed at the proximity but smiled back. 

Score. 

❀ ❀ ❀ 

“Uh, I complimented his earrings today. I mean, he did look really good today. Like, really good. Like, I was about to drool in my seat dude.” I babbled to Mashiho. 

We were in the courtyard today, away from all the people. It was a slow Tuesday thing. He picked at his fries, not really paying attention to me. 

“Um, hello? Mashiho? Mashi?” I waved my hands in front of his face. He peered up at me with bored eyes. I sighed and took a bite of my salad. “What? Did I not compliment him, right?” I said in a small voice. I was terrified of messing this up, terrified! 

Mashiho then pushed his fries away and stood up. “You’re doing just fine, y/n. He’ll be in love before you know it.” I furrowed my brows as he started to put on his shoes and jacket.

“W-where are you going?” I asked quickly. 

Mashiho sighed. “Another date, sorry. See you tomorrow?” I nodded furiously, trying not to feeling emotional at his departure. 

As he turned away, I let them fall freely. I rubbed them, wondering why he was leaving me for other girls all the time.

 Did he not care for me anymore? 

I sighed and picked up my lunch to throw it away. 

Whatever, it’s not like I like him anyways.

❀ ❀ ❀ 

3. Openly state how single you are: dropping your single state will definitely be a BIG hint that you’re interested. It’ll show that you’re available and I already know Byounggon is available, so you don’t have to worry about that part. 

I walked into class and saw Byounggon playing on his phone like usual. 

As I walked towards him, he looked up at me and smiled. “Hey, y/n, what’s up?” He said first. He initiated conversation, that’s a good sign. 

I sat down and pulled out my journals, casually of course. “Nothing much, umm...” I thought of what to say that would make me seem single. “Oh, well kind of in a bad mood.” He furrowed his brows together in concern.

“Aw, why?”I gulped and bit my lip. “Um, because last night my room mate Jessica and her boyfriend were being super lovey dovey in my living room and it was just disgusting. I cannot handle couples, especially when I’m single.” I lied. 

Byounggon then gave me a confused look, making me nervous. “Huh.” He finally said. 

That doesn’t sound too good.

“Huh what?” I asked to further understand his concerns.

Byounggon shrugged and tilted his head like he was unsure of himself. “Oh, it’s just I thought you were dating Mashiho.” 

I stopped moving for a couple of seconds until I burst out into nervous laughter.

“What? Mashiho and I? No!! Never, we’re just friends, pfft.” I said quickly, rambling off random words. 

Byounggon raised a brow and leaned back in his chair. “Mashiho is also dating someone right now so... yeah that would be awkward if we were dating as well.” I joked, hoping he got the point.

Byounggon gave me a sad look. “Well, I’m sorry.” 

“S-sorry for what?”

 Byounggon looked at me with a serious stare. “Uh, because you like Mashiho, right?” 

I froze at his words, stopping every movement I was making. 

My mind went numb at his accusation and I didn’t know what to say. 

“What? No! I don’t like Mashiho, that would be so weird. He’s my best friend, only my best friend. Just friends, you know? Buddies, bros, best buds...” I trailed off, realizing how stupid I was sounding. 

I looked over to Byounggon who was giving me a tight smile.

“One more synonym and I’ll believe you.”

 ❀ ❀ ❀ 

“So, what did you guys talk today?” Mashiho stuffed his faced with a bunch of chips as we were chilling in my dorm room again. 

This time, Junkyu was with us. “Yeah, how was the whole announcing of the single thing? Tell us everything!” I bit my lip as they waited in anticipation. 

“U-um…” I trailed off. “Basically I told him that I was annoyed of Jessica and her boyfriend canoolding on the couch and how it was even grosser since I was single.” I noted quickly, not mentioning the whole Mashiho thing.

Junkyu clapped his hands together. “Good! He got the message then, now, tomorrow and the day after, it’s your turn to make him notice you!” 

Junkyu brought out the clipboard again and pointed to trick number 4. 

“Number four: wear revealing clothes. Guys are dogs, they obviously like seeing some skin, especially when a girl rarely shows it.” 

Junkyu looked at me who was wearing a flannel over one of my t-shirts and blue jeans. I frowned. 

“How much skin are we talking about? Y/n can’t just stroll in half naked to school.” Mashiho argued, finally saying something this entire day. 

Junkyu smiled which made me worry. “But she can.” Junkyu pulled out random outfits that came out of nowhere. 

“Where did you get those?” I snapped.

“Jessica. She gave these to me before she went to class, telling me you were asking for some new clothes.” Junkyu wiggled his eyebrows as I blushed beet red. 

I looked over to Mashiho who was staring at the pile of clothes.

“Fine. I’ll do it.”I brought the pile of clothes into the bathroom, staring at the crop top and high-waisted skirt that would barely cover my butt. I was a bit taller than Jessica, meaning it would probably skim my upper thighs. 

I gulped when I slipped on the shirt first, which showed lots of my stomach and cleavage. The skirt wasn’t as short as I imagined, but if I walked too far, I might be in trouble.

“Are you done yet?! Hurry up, we don’t have all day!” Junkyu shouted.

 I took a deep breath and opened the bathroom door.

The boys both stared at me in silence, wondering if I had put something on wrong. 

“Bro… you’re going to steal Byounggon’s heart, he’s going to have a heart attack.” Junkyu said hugging me. I looked over to Mashiho who was watching me with a strong gaze. It was a way he had never looked at me before, which made me nervous.

“What? You think it’s too much, Mashi?” I asked, twirling for him to see. He stared at me, lowering his eyes to examine my full body. I blushed at his intense stare.

“Woah, there, that’s a lil’ much.” Junkyu said, patting Mashiho on the back. The younger boy grunted and lightly shoved the older boy away, only locking eyes with me. “Well, I gotta go right now, Yoonbin just told me that he lost his suit pants for the wedding he’s going to this weekend. Bye, have fun kids.” 

Junkyu got up and left right away, leaving me alone with Mashiho. 

It was awkward... and we didn’t ever get awkward.

“What? You don’t like the outfits?” I mumbled, staring down at chest that was widely shown in the shirt. Mashiho licked his lips, which sent chills down my spine.

He didn’t respond, showing he was irritated by something else. I bit my lip, thinking of what to say. “How’s it going with that girl? Anything new?”

Mashihho ran this fingers through his curly hair and shrugged. “Not really, it wasn’t really going anywhere. Turns out she only liked me for who she thought I was and not who I really am.” 

I frowned and patted him on the back, trying to ignore how happy I felt at that situation.

Why do I feel happy? I should be feeling bad for him right now. You idiot, y/n.

“Aw, that’s sucks, hopefully, the next girl will see you for who you really are.” 

Mashiho shrugged and looked to me with an intense stare, like he was trying to tell me something. He then stood up and paced around the room.

“Look, I’m going to be honest with you right now. This whole Byounggon thing is sort of freaking me out. He’s only starting to like you because all of these things you’re doing. This whole caked on makeup thing and flirting thing and bubbly, giggly thing and now this revealing outfit? This isn’t you, y/n.” 

He wasn’t yelling yet, Mashiho didn’t yell when he was angry, but this was the most passionate I’ve seen him. 

But it got me angry. 

The plan has been going smoothly ‘til now. Just when Byoungon is starting to flirt with me, Mashiho backs out.

“Why are you telling me this now? It’s already too late, I’m committed. And so what? I mean, this plan is helping me get the guy since no other guys seemed to like me before this!” I yelled angrily, fiddling with the top that seemed so out of place right now.

“Bullshit, you don’t need to change yourself because of a guy, this isn’t some cheesy teen girl book where the guy starts to fall in love with your real personality, Byounggon is only falling for the girl he thinks you are! You're going get to get hurt!” 

Mashiho cried out, clenching his fists to control his anger. 

“So what if I get hurt? Isn’t that what happens when you’re in love? Pain? Jealousy? All those ugly emotions? I need those emotions for my story, Mashiho! I need to experience these things like a normal college student!” 

His broad chest was moving up and down as he tried to pull himself together. Usually I would start to calm him down, but I had no time for it. I wanted my answers. 

“I just don’t want you to get hurt.” He whispered. 

I plucked a stray hair off my shirt, trying to hide my tears. “Well, too late.” 

Mashiho didn’t respond, leaving my dorm room, and leaving me with my distorted thoughts.

❀ ❀ ❀

4.  Wear revealing clothes, show some skin sister ;) Guys are dogs, they obviously like seeing some skin, especially when a girl rarely shows it. Make him go crazy.

I felt uncomfortable in every way possible.

I’d gotten whistled at about 10 times and I’ve only been on campus for 2 hours. Disgusting. 

I poked my head into my creative writing class and saw Byounggon already sitting there. I stuck my head back out and took deep breaths. 

You can do this, you can do this, prove to Mashiho that you can do this.

I walked in the class, trying not to fiddle with my crop top or pull down my skirt. Byounggon glanced up at me, and then did a double take. He looked up at my face and I felt awkward as he examined the makeup Jessica put on my face.

“Woah.” Byounggon said with an unsure voice. That gave me some confidence. 

“Woah what?” I teased, making my voice higher than it already was. I felt gross.

The boy raised a brow and scanned me up and down. “Woah this. New wardrobe? Did you win the lottery or something?” I chuckled and brushed my curled hair over my shoulder, hoping he could smell my perfume.

This isn’t you, y/n.

I pushed Mashiho’s voice out of my mind. 

“Hah, no, I just wanted to switch it up I guess. Why? You like it?” I leaned in closer to him as he stared at me with dark eyes. 

“Yeah, yeah I do.”

He was about to say something else until Irene walked in. 

Damn, I really wanted to hear more compliments.

❀ ❀ ❀

After class, I stood to leave first, but Byounggon grabbed ahold of my hand. I tried not to look surprised. 

“Hey, uh, my friend is hosting a party this Friday night, wanna come?” I hid my surprise with a gasp and chuckled, girly like how Junkyu told me. 

“Oh sure, that’ll be so fun! Who’s hosting?” 

“Kim Seunghun, his parties are always wild. It’s off campus, I’ll come pick you up at ten.” As he finished those words, he walked out of class, leaving my mind in jumbles.

I followed shortly after him, but was stopped.

I paused and saw Mashiho staring at me with sad eyes.

“Got what you wanted?” He spat. I felt my earlier happiness turn into anger at his words. 

“Yes.”

“Ok, good.”

“Good.” 

I walked past him, deliberately not looking back to see his expression. 

❀ ❀ ❀ 

5. Ignore him. Let him want you. Guys like the push and the pull. 

note: since you’re going to a party with him later, that’s when you get to be all over him. 

It was the last day of the project.

I was wearing tight jeans and a low-cut blouse. I felt awkward as my shirt kept slipping down, but I had to power through. It was the last day of Operation: [Real]istic Fiction.

I took a seat next Byounggon, not even sparing a glance as I sat down.

Be cold, be pretty, make him want you. 

I heard Junkyu’s voice echoing in my mind, egging me on. 

“Hey, y/n.” I heard the boy say. It took every ounce of self-control I had to not reply with a cheery answer.

“Hi.” I responded coldly. I could tell Byoungon was confused. I guess that should be a good sign?

The boy shifted in his chair, already uncomfortable at my behavior. “Um, how’s that story going? It’s due on Monday, right?” 

I thought about how to respond to his question. I simply shrugged and dragged my hair over to one side. “It’s ok.” 

I hated myself right now. 

I tried not to let Mashiho’s voice of doubt run through my mind.

Byounggon sighed and leaned back in his chair. I could hear him tapping his pen on the table rapidly. “Ok, you still on for tonight?” 

I finally looked back at him and nodded with a light smile. “Definitely.”

He gave me a dimpled one back.

“Cool.”

❀ ❀ ❀

“What do you wear to a party?! Should I wear a dress?! Pants and a t-shirt?! WHAT?!” I screamed, looking at my bland closet. 

Junkyu groaned and got up from his chair. As I got done with classes, I immediately called Junkyu to help with my fashion dilemma. 

“Ugh, Mashiho is better with fashion, why didn’t you call him?” Junkyu sassed. 

No, I did not tell Junkyu I was fighting with Mashiho. Was I going to tell him? Probably not. 

He always took Mashiho’s side when we were arguing anyways. And he wouldn’t understand this argument.

“Because you’re my brother, anyways--”

Before I could finish, Junkyu pulled out an outfit and threw it at me. “Try this on.” 

About 10 outfits later, I told Junkyu to sit down and I would do this myself. 

“I told you, call Mashi, he’s better.” Junkyu whined while laying on my bed. I bit my lip and ignored him, not wanting to let down my pride and call him. Mashiho would probably just tell me to go in a t-shirt and put on a leather jacket with some skinnies or something. No matter how hot that would be, I had to dress a bit girly tonight to impress Byounggon.

Mashiho wouldn’t understand, he looks good in everything he wore. 

“I’ll just wear this, and be done with this.” I grumbled, slipping on some leather type pants Jessica owned with a crop top. It was cool and funky as well as sexy.

“OOF, I should not let my baby sister walk out like that... but I’m going to... because I’m a good brother who wants her to have love.” 

Junkyu pretended to wipe a tear away and pretend-sobbed on my bed, leaving me to roll my eyes at him and do my makeup. I wasn’t an expert, but I had the basics down. I decided to leave my hair straight as it fit with the outfit. 

“Y/n, it’s almost ten, Byounggon is gonna be here soon~” My older brother wiggled his brows at me as I pushed him aside. “And yes, you’ll be gone when he comes.”

After I said those words, I ushered Junkyu out of the door while he protested. 

“Text me when you leave, when you get to the party, when you leave the party, and when you get home! I’m still your big bro you know.” He gave me a serious stare, one he reserved to try and intimidate me. It never worked.

I sighed and patted him on the back. “Ok, ok, just go, he’ll be here any minute now.” I said nervously. My palms were sweaty and I applied extra perfume to make sure I wouldn’t smell bad.

Just as Junkyu left, I heard a knock on my door. I shot out of my seat and gave myself a glance over before I opened the door. 

Byounggon was standing there, looking spiffy in a tight, black, long-sleeve and black skinnies, but adorned with a couple necklaces and rings. 

He gave me a quick smile when he saw me.

“Hey, you look good.” He said immediately. I blushed and tried my best to act girly. 

“Thanks, you’re not too bad yourself.” I teased while stepping out of the door.

We walked downstairs together and that’s when I realized:

I had never gone to a party before. 

❀ ❀ ❀

The party was rowdier than I expected.

I had always listened to music about parties and having fun, but it was nowhere as crazy as I imagined. The loud music was attacking my senses and the weed and alcohol upset my stomach. I tried not to make a face when Byounggon looked over at me.

“You good?” I nodded vigorously, trying not to let my disgust and anxiety show. I took tiny steps with him as we made our way through the huge crowd of people. There was strobe lights everywhere and alcohol on the floor. 

It was a mess.

I felt my heart beat pick up as I felt myself being shoved through the crowd. I wasn’t used to being around so many people and now that I was experiencing it, I just wanted to be alone. 

Soon, we got out of the big crowd and to the makeshift bar area, aka, Seunghun’s kitchen.

“Hey, Seunghun!” Byounggon yelled over to the tall brunette who was taking a body shot off a girl. Disgusting. 

Seunghun popped his head up and immediately did that bro shake with Byounggon. “Hey, dude! Didn’t know you were bringing a date!” Seunghun turned his attention over to me and pulled me in for a hug. I felt uncomfortable with the smell of alcohol on his breath.

“Yah, it was sorta last minute.” Seunghun wiggled his eyebrows and pointed over to the alcohol. 

“Cool, well she’s hot so it’s all good. A little nerdy but that’s your type right?” I felt my cheeks burn at his words. I had been trying to shed the image of my nerdy self this whole week and yet it still was like I had “bookworm” tattooed across my forehead. 

Byounggon wrapped an arm around me. “Hey, dude, don’t be an ass.” He lightly reprimanded. I tried not to let Seunghun’s words affect me, I mean he was super drunk.

Seunghun’s eyes widened. “Oh no no, that wasn’t an insult. It’s a compliment, refreshing I would say. Like a refreshment LOL.” I tried not to cringe as he said the acronym out loud. Then, he tilted his head, “It’s just weird that you brought a date though. I thought you had a thing with-” 

Byounggon’s body stiffened but I didn’t get to hear the rest of the statement when Seunghun was dragged away by someone else, probably going to take another body shot. 

“Sorry about that, Seunghun is an absolute dumbass when he’s drunk. He’s only a little bit of a dumbass when he’s sober.” I let out soft laughter, but I could barely hear Byounggon over the loud music and intense yelling. I hated every second I was here. 

My tenseness didn’t go unnoticed by Byounggon. “Hey, are you sure you’re ok?” He asked, concern laced in his voice.

I nodded rushedly, before I could lose my confidence. “I’m fine!” I replied lamely. I couldn’t flirt with him, I couldn’t do anything with this obnoxious atmosphere.

Byounggon gave me a tight smile and held out his hand. “Let’s dance!”

❀ ❀ ❀

I hated dancing. And being on the dancefloor. And feeling other people’s bodies on mine.

It was awful. I felt so cramped and I couldn’t even relax to have a good time. 

Byounggon on the other hand was an amazing dancer, I couldn’t even compare to him. The only time I liked dancing was when I was having impromptu dance parties with Mashiho. Mashiho was the only person besides my brother that I could let down my guard with. 

Byounggon grabbed my hands, trying to get me to dance and to have fun. But I couldn’t focus on anything besides the people around me and how cramped and dirty I felt. 

I could see Byounggon stop losing interest in me.

“He’s only starting to like you because all of these things you’re doing. This whole caked on makeup thing and flirting thing and bubbly, giggly thing and now this revealing outfit? This isn’t you, y/n”

I was wrong. Mashiho was right. 

I can’t do this, this isn’t me. 

I looked up from the dancefloor and saw something I never wanted to see. Mashiho was there, dancing with another girl, totally into her. His eyes were bright and happy, I knew he was having a good time. I could always tell what his emotions were. He spun the girl around as she laughed, her skirt twirling in the sea of people. 

I was jealous. 

Really jealous.

Jealous of the time they were having.

Jealous I couldn’t be as carefree as that girl. 

Jealous that I wasn’t that girl. 

“Y/n, y/n?” Byounggon’s shout snapped me out of a trance. I looked up at him with blurry eyes. “Are you ok?” 

I stood still for a moment, confusing those around me.

I took one more glance at Mashiho who was still dancing with that girl and as he leaned in closer to her, I looked away.

“I’m sorry, I’m really sorry.”

Then, I ran.

I ran out of the house as soon as possible, running at a pace I didn’t know I was capable of. I ignored Byounggon’s shout for me to stay, but I had to leave--I had to get out of there. 

Only barfers were outside as I dashed past them, careful not to step on anything gross. I made my way down the block and crouched down, feeling the worst I’ve ever felt in my life.

This was the pain everyone talked about. 

The pain you get when you try so hard to fit in and you just don’t. The pain you get when you’re not somebody you want to be. 

The pain you get when you love someone so much and they don’t love you back.

And that pain wasn’t from Byounggon, but from someone I didn’t know I’ve loved for most of my life. 

I picked up my phone and dialed a number.

“Jessica? I need a ride.”

❀ ❀ ❀

I knew Jessica wouldn’t ask questions. If another girl calls you to run away from her date, there’s only bad news involved. 

Seunghun’s house wasn’t that far from campus, so we got home pretty quickly.

“I brought home fried chicken, I know that’s your favorite.” Jessica noted in a high voice, her tone more delicate than usual. I shook my head. “No, I’m fine. I just need sleep.”

I looked at my phone once and saw floods of messages. Mostly from Byounggon, asking where I went and that he was sorry. 

And then five from Junkyu, messaging me about how bored he was.

None from Mashiho.

I laid in my bed, looking at the time. It was only 11:10. I hadn’t even been in that place for an hour. 

“Are you going to sleep?” Jessica asked, about to turn off the lights. 

I looked up at my ceiling. 

Then, I said the most y/n sentence I’ve said this week.

“No... I’m going to write.”

❀ ❀ ❀

“Here, I finished over the weekend.” 

I handed the paper to Professor Bae, all 20 pages of my short story. She raised a brow and skimmed through it.

“Good, all normal names. Now, run along, class starts in 10 minutes.” 

I nodded and turned to walk out the door before I turned back around. The professor caught my eye and gave me a tight smile.

“Why did you become a creative writing teacher? Not a research paper teacher or a lit teacher or something, why creative writing?” I asked abruptly. I don’t know why I asked the question, but I anticipated her answer.

Irene set down a pen and gave me a soft smile, contrary to her intense ones.

“Y/n, I think we’re more alike than you think.” She started. “I love to write-not just like-but I love it. I love losing myself in a story, I love the reading my stories when they’re done and imaging me as the main character.”

I nodded, knowing how she felt.

“I write because I feel alive when I write, I feel happy.” She said, pointing to her heart. “It comes naturally to me, like breathing or walking; it’s a part of me.” 

“How do you write about things you’ve never experienced before? Like if I’ve never broken an arm, but wanted to write about a broken arm, how would I write about that?” 

Irene gave me a sad smile and took one step closer to me. She patted my head gently and spoke to me with soft eyes. 

“Imagination my friend. Imagination and reality are vital to any writer; only the best ones can combine both.” 

She then picked up a stack of papers and started to head down the hall.

“Take a day off, y/n, you need one.”

❀ ❀ ❀

I sat in the courtyard, reading a book as I munched on pretzels. 

Yes, I had been avoiding Byounggon, Junkyu, and especially Mashiho the entire weekend. I texted Byounggon, telling him I was alright and got home safely and that I was sorry, he responded that he was glad and that I didn’t have to explain if I didn’t want to.

He was so easy to fall for.

Why couldn’t I have fallen for him?

“Hey.” 

I looked up from my book and saw the familiar face. 

“Hi.” I said awkwardly, setting down my book.

Byounggon sat next to me, looking at me like he wanted to say something. 

“What?” I barked harshly. 

I thought he was going to be seriously offended, but he simply just started to laugh. “Damn, I missed the old you. I’m glad she’s back.” 

I scoffed and took a harsh bite of my pretzel.

“Yeah, yeah, everyone else did too.” I mumbled. 

“Look, I just wanted to come and apologize about Friday night, I didn’t know it would overwhelm you so bad and you were obviously uncomfortable. I should have brought you home.” The boy then took a deep breath like he was hiding something.

I was annoyed by that. “Well, just spit it out.” I spat.

The boy held in his laughter and leaned back to let the sun shine on his face. “Um well, I was sorta, I mean I didn’t realize it, but I was sorta using you to get over this other girl. Um, it’s complicated and I don’t really know my true feelings for her yet, but yeah I’m sorry, that was mean of me to do.”

I paused, soaking in his words.

Then I laughed. 

“Oh gosh, that’s so funny.” Byounggon proceeded to look at me like I was crazy.

I shook my head and held my hands up, “Oh not that part, I mean that I was sorta using you too. To deflect my feelings for this other guy that I thought I had lost feelings for, but in reality, it was just hiding all this time. Or more of I was burying them.” 

Byounggon smiled and took a pretzel from me. 

“Well, maybe you should go talk to this guy. And I’ll talk to that girl. Sound cool?” 

I nodded, shaking on it. 

“The coolest.”

“Also, welcome back to being a nerd, I knew you would come through with that paper.” 

I slapped him on the shoulder, but I couldn’t help but be proud of my title.

❀ ❀ ❀ 

“Well, maybe you should go talk to this guy. And I’ll talk to that girl. Sound cool?” I read aloud. 

The lamp was shining bright on my face as Mashiho laid on my lap. His big eyes were closed as I held the stapled pieces of paper over him. 

I sighed, slapping him with the pages. He gasped and cringed, but made no movement to sit up. 

“Ouch! What was that for?!” The boy rubbed his nose in furious motions as I rolled my eyes. 

“I’m tired, let me go to bed! It’s already 3am you meanie.” I pouted while taking a sip of water. At least it was a Friday night, I did not want to attend my 9:30 class with raccoon eyes. 

Mashiho pouted, huffing like the baby he is.

“You have to finish it! Does y/n get with the boy? Does Byounggon talk to that girl he was interested in? Tell me!!” 

I flicked the boy on the neck as he flinched in pain.

“You imbecile, this story is about us! You know how it ends!” I poked him on the neck as he giggled like a kid.

“I know, I know! I just like to hear listen to it again. It is nice reflecting on all our actions and you make our story feel so... dramatic.” 

“It was dramatic.”

“Yeah but you make it dramatic dramatic.” He countered.

I held in my groan as I stared down at the paper that was already blurring together. 

“Ok, fine, I’ll continue.” 

That seemed to please him as he relaxed his body once more. 

“Blah blah, blah blah, kiss, blah, mashiho and y/n, blah, junkyu-”

At my incoherent rambling, Mashiho shot up from my lap and pulled me down to lay next to him.

“Mashi! Oh my god, let go of me!” I whisper-shouted as it was too late for this. I dropped the paper on the ground as he held down my hands. 

“I was joking.” He said abruptly. I leaned back so I could examine his face, which was drooping and sad.

“Joking about what?” 

“I don’t like listening to your story just because it’s amazingly written and dramatic, I like listening to it reminds me of how bad I hurt you and reminds me of how I should treat you from here on,” he said confidently. I noticed how his face pinched together in pain and regret and instinctively, I reached out my hand to soften his face. 

“I like reading this story because it reminds me of how powerful I can become and it’s sort of fun being the heroine for once.” I admit with a smile. 

The boy looked at me with a tilted head. “Y/n, this is your life, you’re always the the main character of your life.”

I sighed and softly kissed him on the lips.

“You’re right, Mashi. And you’re my hunky male lead.” 

[rogermeddowstayl0r]

does she make you feel as good as i do? | r.t.

a/n: just a quick one parter (part 2 here) that i wrote while avoiding other responsibilities. i was listening to she by pale waves when writing this and it’s kinda based on that so listen along. yeah idk where this came from, guess i was just in a sad mood. sorry in advance. also i feel like this writing style(?) is kinda weird so let me know what you think.

words: 1.8k

warnings: swearing, depression, angst, mentions of smut

~

i looked blankly at myself in the mirror. i looked like shit, eyes darkened with endless sleepless nights, hair disheveled from not showering or brushing it. a large hoodie drowned out my body. this was my current state of living or at least it has been for the past few weeks.

a loud ringing cut me out of my fixation on myself. my legs were weak as they carried me towards the phone.

“hello?” my voice was rough from not actually speaking for days.

a familiar voice was on the other side. “y/n? god are you okay?!” a concerned john was on the line.

“yeah i-“

“where have you been? i’ve not seen you in weeks!” he was becoming more concerned the more he thought about how long it had actually been since anyone had see me. john was my brother, older by about 2 years but we have always been close.

“i’ve just been busy with...stuff?” it sounded more like a question than i meant. i twirled the phone cord round my finger nervously.

he sighed loudly. he probably knew what was happening, he knew the tendencies i had of isolating myself for weeks on end. “i’m coming over.”

before i had time to protest the phone line went dead. i looked around my small apartment. it was an image of depression. the sofa was covered in blankets which i would cocoon myself in while watching endless hours of tv. glasses covered the small table in front of the sofa. dirty clothes were strayed across the floor from when i changed my clothes. i sighed, there was no point trying to hide this from john, and quite frankly i was too weak to try and clean it before he arrived. instead, i wrapped a blanket around my shoulders and slumped onto the sofa until the doorbell rang. i jumped slightly, mostly because the lack of sleep made me more jumpy than usual.

i pulled the heavy door open and instantly avoided eye contact. john on the other hand looked intently at my frail image. his hand reached out to touch my shoulder softly. “y/n?” his voice broke slightly as he spoke.

“come in.” was all i could say without bursting into tears. he walked inside the dark apartment and he fought back tears himself. when he looked at his sister she looked visible wrecked. something bad must have happened. he instantly pulled me into a hug, wrapping his arms around me and gently rubbing my back, i hugged him back. god, i had missed him.

“what happened?” he questioned as we sat on the sofa together, concern was written all across his face.

i had never told john about my... relations with his band mate roger. it’s not that i didn’t want to tell him it just all happened so quick.

it had been a friday night, i was in a bar on the corner of a street i don’t remember. i was alone, my friends were all bores and never went out, so i made the fateful decision to go out myself. a young girl in a bar alone was bound to get some male attention, whether wanted or not. i didn’t expect it to be from a familiar face though. roger had been wearing a white button up with the top buttons undone as usual. classic roger right?

“y/n?” his voice was surprised but obviously slurred from one too many drinks. i tucked my hair behind my ear nervously. like every other girl in the uk, i may have had a tiny crush on roger. despite what you may think, just because i was john’s sister didn’t mean i saw the band more. they weren’t really my friends, they were all a few years older and had left college while i was still there. i saw them occasionally if john rang me asking to bring him some papers he had left at home or if i was supporting john at their gigs or if i went round to johns and they all happened to be there. but me and roger had never really had a conversation that entailed more than just casual small talk.

“yeah?” i tried to be as confident as i could with the little amount of alcohol in my system.

“imagine meeting you here!” he took the barstool next to me.

“hmmm it’s a bar?” i had no clue where this conversation was heading, except a dead end.

“what are you doing here?!” he looked genuinely interested in such a mundane topic.

i raised my drink and smiled. “the same reason everyone else is. to get shitfaced!” i laughed lightly. he chuckled too.

“now that is something i am good at!”

i was confused as to why he was being so friendly to me. surely i was just deaky’s silly little sister to him and all the other boys. i’m just that girl who brings deaky’s papers to him with a coffee and a donut.

one thing lead to another that night, we kept drinking and chatting until the bartender kicked us out on the cold london streets at some ungodly hour in the morning. my apartment was on the outskirts of town and taxi runs had stopped hours ago. as if fate was trying to get us together my naive mind thought. ever the gentleman, roger offered for me to stay at his. “can’t leave deaky’s sister in the freezing streets at 4am, can i now?” he joked lighting a cigarette.

his apartment was a short walk away, he had offered me his jacket and it was draped over my shoulders to keep me warm. he continued his conversation about some new car he had bought and despite knowing nothing about cars, i was still somehow captivated.

entering his apartment made my throat tighten and my stomach instantly filled with butterflies. i slipped his jacket off and handed it to him meekly. i felt an intense awkwardness, as if he didn’t know how to act when bringing a girl home who he no intentions of shagging. should i kiss him? is that why he brought me here? questions flew around in my mind and i was trapped in my thoughts.

“y/n?” his voice was loud and it snapped me out my thoughts. he smiled at me. god he was fucking hot.

i tried to speak, i swear i did. maybe the alcohol had really gotten to my head. i don’t remember how it happened. i just remember his lips on mine, kissing me with such passion and desire. against the wall. he picked me up, taking me into the kitchen. i was on the table and his hands were all over my body like fire. kissing my neck, i swear i couldn’t think.

the memory was so vivid, i could still feel his hands on my body, everywhere.

i scratched the back on my head, snapping out off my inappropriate vision whilst being in the room with my brother. “i don’t know” i answered his question after the long time in my thoughts. my voice broke as i spoke. john just pulled me into a hug again as i cried quietly. i knew he would get mad as soon as i told him it was roger.

the next morning after staying at roger’s, i awoke in a panic, grabbing my things quickly and quietly, being sure not to wake him. i left. i regretted it instantly because i knew that i was just another shag to him.

but it wasn’t, he started coming round to my apartment. at first it was to apologise, it ended with him in my bed. the visits became more frequent, he would come up with random yet adorable excuses to see me. it evolved into a few dates and more sex.

but that came crashing down two weeks ago. queen were playing a gig at a bar as usual, i went along to support john firstly, of course, but now i was there for roger too. the thing between us had only been going on for about two months and we were nothing official, we never would be. they performed brilliantly as usual. i stayed at the table i was saving for everyone when they finished. their set ended, they bowed, i cheered louder than ever. i was met by john first, he ran up to the table and hugged me tightly, then brian and freddie came over, roger was missing.

“how were we love?” freddie’s voice was filled with happiness but my chest hurt and my mind began filling with thoughts of roger’s absence.

“brilliant as usual boys!” i faked happiness. “where’s roger?” i tried not to sound to desperate or obvious.

brian laughed slightly, “probably entertaining that blonde hanging around backstage. i’d give him 10 minutes love. you don’t want to see more of him than you should.” him and the other boys laughed in agreement. obviously they didn’t know that me and roger had something going on. my chest felt like someone punched right through it.

“i’m going to the toilet” i mumbled. i all but sprinted to the toilet, i pushed the door open. i could feel a panic attack started, the walls felt like they were closing in, i could hear my heart beat loudly in my ears and i was having trouble breathing. it felt like everything stopped when i saw him. standing in the middle of the bathroom between a blonde girls legs. my heart stopped, the shock on my face was very visible.

“y/n!” he called but i turned on my heels and ran.

since that night i hadn’t spoke to roger, i didn’t want to hear what he had to say. that we weren’t official so it wasnt cheating. i didn’t want to see him again. that was two weeks ago, since then ive locked myself away from everyone.

i tried to explain it to john, i left out certain details about sex but i got the point across. his softness and caring side fizzled away quickly and was replaced with anger.

“i’ll kill him” he muttered through clenched teeth.

“john, please. there’s no need for that. it’s best just to act like nothing happened.” i tried to stop the tears as i pleaded with him.

“he fucking hurt you and didn’t even check if you were okay.” johns voice was breaking again.

“it’ll be okay. john please, we’re both adults and we can deal with this ourselves.” i tried pleading with him again.

he sighed in defeat. “fine, but i’m not leaving you until you’ve showered and eaten. come on.”

john cared for me, making me feel a bit better. having told someone about all the emotions which had been trapped inside me for the past weeks made me feel the most emotionally relieved. i wasn’t hiding anything anymore but my chest still ached, for i knew that one day i’d have to look roger taylor in the eyes again.

tag list: @writingfortoomanyfandoms @xgoingdownx

[burningalight]

my binders/locker in grade school were stuffed with so much shit i couldnt find anything...always crumpled up papers, trash etc

chewed pencils/pens, broke them taking them apart in class, lost them, often didn’t have one, frequently borrowing them and forgetting to give them back to the point that certain people wouldn’t give me pencils

could comprehend reading i liked very well, but when we’d have reading groups with boring books id always be lost,  or when the teachers would have one on ones and have u read something short and ask questions after to assess ur reading level, they’d often have to tell me to read it again bc they knew how much i remembered didnt add up to my intelligence and reading speed 

moms college friend gave me an unoffical iq test and i did much worse than i know i shouldve on the reading portion bc she’d play a story and then ask me after to list every detail i could remember and i couldn’t remember anything. but when she played 10 numbers and asked me to say them out loud backwards i scored extremely high ?

couldnt do projects, would be in tears, last minute every time, parents mad bc i need a poster board RIGHT NOW ITS DUE TOMORROW . hated assigned reading, horrible at essays even when they helped us plan them. 

i remember my 7th grade social studies teacher assigning a paper, i wrote extremely detailed and well in the first paragraph or 2, and the following ones got shorter and shorter and were completely bullshit bc i got bored. she told me ‘really strong first paragraph.’ and gave me a B  

talk too got damn fast. customers constantly telling me to slow down bc they cant understand me

my mom always says she had to challenge me as a kid bc i would get bored and get in trouble. i was acting out bc i was understimulated, i happened to like learning (esp numbers and puzzles) bc smart so that’s what i could fixate on and felt stimulated by

lunch detention frequently in 8th grade in my first highschool class, algebra, bc i wouldnt do my homework, at one point he just stopped giving lunch detention for that bc i wouldnt do it. i hated that class bc the math was boring and i never paid attention but would somehow pull off a’s and b’s on tests so i ended up with a B. my first B, and i had brought that up from a D (told my mom it was almost a C, he gave a really hard test and we all did bad etc, when she had to sign a paper about my low grade) at the end of the year, during the exam i was so confused the whole time, it was my first highschool exam and i didn’t know ANYTHING. i ended up with a 92 from guessing, and a curve, and every one of my friends got at least a 93 or better and i felt so stupid bc i was supposed to be the best at math

i would take every highschool class in honors but not one english class bc it required more essays and summer reading and i knew i wouldnt do the reading and would cry over the essays

the only other class i didnt take honors was chemistry bc i knew the honors teacher had a lot of projects and i would be stressing over them. i ended up with an A in the standard chem class even tho i never finished any work in class and didnt do homework, but i was still the smartest in the class and did the best overall

lunch detention for forgetting to get papers signed like report cards. they weren’t even bad grades i just couldnt remember. one time i got actual detention for forging my moms signature bc i got lunch detention for several days straight bc i kept forgetting to get the paper signed 

often had permission slips waiting to be signed the day before the field trip, or told my mom it was picture day the day before or morning of. one time i totally forgot it was picture day and didnt dress up

acting out and not thinking ab the consequences, many referrals.. many more times that my teachers let me get away with acting out when someone else doing the same thing would’ve been punished. one time anna and i left in the middle of class to go with emma to the library, only emma had permission, and my teacher had anna and i do wall sits instead of going to the office. in gym in middle school i would never dress out. i hated the clothes and hated gym bc i was awkward and if we didnt dress out we had to copy pages out of the health textbook the entire time and i would barely write 2 paragraphs bc i was so bored and my hand hurt and he never did anything ab it. i wouldnt dress out at least twice per week if not more. told my mom I had a C bc he had it out for me but i was the problem

in elementary school if we didn’t come to gym day wearing the right shoes we had to go into the back and pick out a pair of sneakers that fit out of a box of shoes, and also borrow socks if necessary. i had to do this frequently bc i never remembered to wear the right shoes

i would extremely often forget my library books and have to sit on the couch waiting for everyone to pick out their books for half an hour

when we were even younger we’d have story time and you had to sit in the middle of the floor inside a big circle of chairs where everyone else was if you forgot your library books. i lost one at one point for months and my parents didnt just pay for it so i had to sit in the middle every time. we found the book on a shelf somewhere in the house 

my chorus teacher never liked me bc i talked too much and i always felt like the worst singer, not bc of my singing but bc she wasn’t ever nice to me

in 7th grade science we learned latin root words and every day we’d play a game where we all stood up and one by one he’d ask for a root and we’d give it. if you got it wrong on the first round you’d have to write it on a piece of paper x amount of times and turn it in. if you were the last person left you were allowed to sit on your desk for the rest of the year, during these games while everyone else had to stand up. i wanted so badly to sit on my desk, esp bc i was fidgety and couldnt stand still, but i would never study them bc i’d forget or not want to if i did remember, even tho i really wanted to know them and sit on my desk. that teacher had a huge soft spot for me and one day i just started sitting on my desk during those. everyone knew i was smart, and it was all the smart kids who got to sit on their desks, so no one questioned it. im not sure if he knew i wasnt supposed to and just let me, or didnt realize i hadnt won bc i was smart. 

hyperlexia? mom said i could practically read before i was taught. i’ve always obsessively air written, ie writing words out w my finger in the air, on my leg etc. 

esp during lectures i doodle excessively to the point that my papers margins have always been covered with random scribbly overlapped words, or song lyrics. the words are usually something someone in the class said. ive started keeping an extra sheet of paper just for scribbling when im taking notes or listening in class. when we finished end of year tests in school i would write down full lyrics to songs on my scrap paper so i wouldnt be so bored. my hand cramps up so much but it was better than staring or trying to sleep with the lights on 

doing things and forgetting to turn them in

hyperfixating on books to cope w boredom and social anxiety, at one point read one per day, i was definitely one of the most frequent people in the library 

‘ The way I see it is if I can get information into my mind, I can do a lot with it but getting it in there in the first place is the really difficult part.’ - not mine

none of my teachers ever told my mom any of this i dont think, bc i was the smartest and i always got good grades, most had a soft spot for me BUT COULDNT SEE I HAD ADHD like damn. one time my fourth grade teacher whom i liked a lot was mad at us and indirectly calling people out, and referred to the fact that some of us never stopped talking , then made direct eye contact with me and i felt rly embarrassed bc i didnt realize i did that until she mentioned it

i often had to move seats if i was near friends bc i wouldnt stop instigating talking

at big lots when i had to run the register i was so painfully bored , fidgety, had to sneak my phone soo much bc i was so bored. when i was on the floor i would put away the go backs very quickly and then take upon myself a project like going through the entire wall of individual drinks and pulling out all the expired ones, it was like 5 carts full. my manager put me in charge of organizing the entire makeup section and all the gross clearance makeup bc she knew id do it the best and fastest 

when bosses have me do inventory i can count the products super fast and efficiently, but then when they have me put them into a spreadsheet i stare at it for hours getting nothing done bc distracted and its boring. ammar told me if i’d just get off my phone i could get it done bc he’d been asking for it for weeks, i wasnt trying to ignore it 

when im trying to do something at work that needs more concentration, i want to cry with frustration whenever i hear the door chime and have to get up and help customers and break my focus

[tales0fthenugget]

letter to 10 years ago

June 4, 2007

Hello there, kiddo! Are you still feeling anxious that in almost a week you will be joining the work force already? You will not contribute in the country’s unemployment rate :) Yup, that’s going to be your new life - I mean your new chapter after college graduation. i know that you are more scared than excited at this point. And that’s okay. Sabi mo nga e, you are scared because you don’t know what tomorrow will bring. Yeah, unlike the past 15 years of your life when the expectation is you will go to school and well, graduate eventually. I don’t remember everything but I know you already wrote tons about the uncertainty that you are feeling since last school year.

Now, if you would let me - I’d like to say a few things to you. Uhm, just to make you feel a little better and to feel that someone understands you, maybe a little more than the others - including yourself.

I. What Matters More

Right now you have very low self-esteem. I can’t blame you. About a year and a half ago you were kicked-out of your first course because you got two D’s in a semester. That’s one more than the allowed in your “prestigious” course. Even if you never said it out loud, that drained whatever little self-confidence you had remaining then. What a major rejection! And you’ve been blaming that and your low grades in school for not getting a good head-start for life after school. But you have to get back right on track. You may feel that the job you are starting next week is not the dream job, but the world out there is much bigger than the comforts of your school/course/grades. Your self-confidence might be shattered but you will rebuild it and even better, you will strengthen your self-worth. Please continue to strive to be the best, regardless of your failed attempts. You will learn in no time that those things matter only in a few months, which is not a rationalization for you to feel better. You ought to trust me on this. Your passion to be better matters more.

June 26, 2007

II. Song of Silence

Last March was one of the turning points in your life. You’ve (hand)written 10+ pages of reflection and realizations during silent retreat. Keep those loose sheets of paper. You’d go back to it from time to time when you need it. You’ve been a Christian for about 20 years now, but it was only then that you knew and felt in your heart that you found God - or maybe more appropriately, that you found the grace to go back to God. The times ahead will be difficult and we both know that you will get lost again and again and again. Do not forget to keep yourself open to accept His grace again. Find the time to listen once more to the song of silence and find your way back. Silence may be difficult to hear amidst the noise of daily life but it’s not impossible. Promise me you’ll listen really, really hard, okay?

III. Learning How to Learn

I thought that your prepared (generic) answer to the job interview question, “what are your strengths?” is smart. Hehe. You didn’t answer traits. Instead you answered your not-so-generic life roles to make a point that your experiences from those roles made you what you are now. Basically, you are saying that your strengths come from the experiences and it’s ingrained in you. Smart, eh?? Lol.

You answer three things but the first one is your favorite i.e. you are a teacher. Being a teacher means you know how to learn and you’ve got a pretty  good idea how to make others learn. Thanks to your high school and university for the opportunities to grow into one. You could go beyond that and learn continuously from new and different experiences and interactions with diverse people. Learning is knowing one’s self, you once said in a speech. And you’d get addicted as you find out that you are limitless. Learning enables you to do things you thought you never could. 

IV. Never Give Up on Love

Let me share my latest realization while biking along the dusty, rough roads of Bagan. It’s one of the cliches to the highest level like in Harry Potter (which, btw, is celebrating 10yrs today for the first book) where Dumbledore said what makes Harry powerful is love. Good thing naitawid ito nang maayos ni JK Rowling (idol!).

A lot of times you won’t be loved back the way you want to be or you won't be loved back at all. There will be times you will feel alone or betrayed. People may break their promises, your trust and even test your faith. They could be ungrateful, not understanding or appreciating what you’ve done for them - absolutely no idea of what you’ve sacrificed or given up to keep the relationship and this so-called love. Oh the pains of finally accepting things are not meant to be that it’s time for you to let go. You will get hurt, cry your heart out and vow to raise up those walls again, making sure it’s not gonna be for just anyone to come in.

But how many times you’d also break your promise to yourself that never again will you trust or open up and share yourself to other people? Endless. Because you believe, rather you hope, that maybe next time you won’t get hurt. Because you also know that love is where you’d be the happiest. So you don’t ever, ever give up on love. Just like how God has never given up on you no matter how many times, most specially on times, you are seemingly unlovable.

V. Take Care 

Please make sure to take care of your body, mind and soul. You’re an athlete so I trust you’d be diligent in taking care of your body and health. You know that very well from the silent retreat - things become a little easier if your body is in great shape. Plus you’d have to do this for your future hobbies that you don’t know yet ;P

But taking care of your mind - please take extra effort. You’ve had a good foundation with all those failures and disappointments. More of these will come as you grow older. Your mental toughness and its endurance will put you into test. Sigh. Good thing that your life motto included “the limit of 1/x as x approaches zero.” It takes time to get up whenever you fall. But basketball taught you that the game will not stop when you fall. You’d have to get back as quickly as you can. So you bounce back. You have to bounce back and it would make you tougher.

Please take care of your soul. I am not an expert - but whatever happens do yourself a favor and do not stay broken for long. Because you will be broken - not just once, or twice but many times. Learn to put your pieces back together. It’s gonna be hard but you’ll get there. Just believe. And well, listen to the song of silence.

Before I wrap up this relatively long letter - I just want to say that I am proud of you - of what you’ve become. You’ve been something I’ve never thought you’d be when you were little, tbh. Look at you - barely an adult yet you’ve had experienced and learned so much. I am mostly proud that you’ve embraced to be a woman for and with others, especially when you were teaching which you will make sure you’ll never stop doing. You may not be teaching inside a classroom anymore but oh you will continue to teach every chance you’ve got. I have no doubts that you’ll do more and continue to make me and other people proud. So long as you continue to believe, hope and love.

Lastly, I’d have to scrap this letter because honestly, you don’t really need it. You’re good enough to figure all these things on your own.

- From Your Future Self 10 Years After ^_^

[peace-coast-island]

#ChoicesCreates: Friendship

Title: Quaintrelle (The Royal Romance) Summary: Quaintrelle - a woman who emphasizes a life of passion, expressed through personal style, leisurely past times, charm, and cultivation of life’s pleasures. Enid Zuberi (MC) writes to a dear friend.

Dear Seraphina,

It’s still hard for me to accept what happened but I’m trying my best. Your mother stopped by a few days ago with a box that you left for me. I didn’t get the courage to open it until last night.

The first thing I saw was the handmade sketchbook you got at an arts and crafts fair a few years ago. I remember you telling me that you wanted to use it someday but you were also afraid of ruining it. You always wanted to save it for your masterpieces. It makes me sad to think of all the wonderful art you could have drawn. I always wished that I could draw as well as you.

The sketchbook was kept on your self, waiting for the right occasion to be used. You wanted to open it on a towel laying on the sand with your art supplies spread out, ready for inspiration to strike. A relaxed breezy day on the beach with just the two of us. Funny how we took days like that for granted until time starts running short.

We never thought the sketchbook would be opened in a dreary space that became your second home whether you liked it or not. instead of being surrounded by paintbrushes and pens, there were IVs and equipment. It hurt seeing you struggle with holding a pencil, those once fluid lines turn wobbly and unsteady. That was the summer that marked the beginning of the end.

No matter how hard it was, you challenged yourself to fill one page with your art. I always admired your determination, even when things were bleak. During the time you stayed at the hospital, you sketched whatever came to mind and when I visited I would bring some of your art supplies. Looking through your sketchbook, I have to say that a lot of these are masterpieces.

I don’t know why you left this for me though. I understand the pictures and your camera as you were an avid photographer. And that nautical keychain I helped you win at a fair after spending several tickets trying. Your jar of paper stars we made the night after we graduated high school with our wishes written inside them.

But why your sketchbook? You left a letter for everyone in an envelope but you stuck mine in the book. In the PS, you told me to keep making masterpieces to fill it up. I wasn’t sure what you meant since my drawing and art skills are nowhere near yours. I guess that’s why it took me over a week to finally respond to you. It feels weird doing this so I can’t promise you that I’ll keep up with this but it’s worth a try. At least I’m feeling a little better getting my feelings out like this. So that’s what I’m gonna do with your sketchbook.

To quote you: “Someday we’ll meet again in the far future and you’d better have a lot of stories to tell me. Hell, I’ll come back to haunt you if you’re just sitting around mourning for an eternity. Promise me, you’ll live, Enid. Not just for me, but for you, for us.”

That was the last thing you ever said to me and I’ll never forget it. So I’ll fill these pages and when we meet again, I’ll share my stories.

From your best friend forever, Enid

P.S. - If you are gonna haunt me at least give me a sign so I know it’s you!

Today would’ve been your twenty-second birthday. So for you I’m rowing a boat and releasing a balloon in the air for you. It’s light blue, your favorite color, and I tied one of your favorite ribbons at the end, the light pink lace one that you like to wear in the spring. The balloon actually reminds me a lot about you, a free spirit letting the wind carry her away.

Remember the hidden cave at the beach where we often spent our summers? Hard to believe that it’s been a few months since we last came. It feels strange being here without you. Of course I couldn’t come alone and took Ollie with me. We couldn’t stay long, it was too much for us. That’s why I suggested that we spend the rest of the day on the boat. Ollie also wrote a message for you on the balloon, I didn’t see what it was though - keeping that a surprise for you!

We were out until pretty late, so late that we almost didn’t notice it was getting dark and the boat was going in the opposite direction. Instead of going down memory lane, we just sat and watched the world around us. If you were there you’d be pulling our your paints and a canvas to capture the scenery. I kept an eye on your balloon until it faded into the evening sky. Now you can wander the stars at your heart’s content.

Happy birthday Sera.

I never thought I’d end up back in the waiting room of the hospital so soon. This is the sixth time I’ve been in this position.

First my grandfather, who I barely remember. I think I was around two or three and blissfully unaware.

Second time was my aunt, around the time I was able to understand that sometimes it doesn’t get better. A year later I attended a funeral for the first time.

Third was my grandmother and by then we knew it before the doctor told us. She kept her head up until the very end.

Fourth was my father after a long battle. You and Ollie were there for me and my mother from the diagnosis to his final moments. I can’t thank you two enough for helping us through a difficult time.

Fifth was Seraphina Castiglioni, my best friend. You fought twice before, triumphant each time. But after years of remission it came back stronger than ever and your days were slowly fading away. Still, you lived every day to the fullest and left the world with a smile while holding my hand.

Now I’m back in the waiting room, sixth time with my mother. It’s been a few weeks and she’s gone through a lot of tests. I’m afraid but I have to stay strong for her, for us. At least Ollie’s here with me so I won’t be so alone. I really hate being in this room.

Sera, I miss you so much. Please give me the strength to get through the next few days.

I did it. I went out to the cave alone. And I’m glad I did.

I can’t remember the last time I was at the beach, it feels like such a long time ago. But I guess that happens when your life changes at an instant. Ollie’s doing well in school, I insisted that he’d go back instead of taking the semester off like he wanted. I feel bad for him since he’s close to Mom but we didn’t want him to drop everything for us. Mom made him promise that he make the Dean’s list again. I promised to keep him updated on her condition.

Mom’s doing as best she can. Still, there are days when she can’t do anything at all and I feel terrible for her. You know how I hate being helpless. It hurts seeing her like this. And the same for seeing you and my father go through the same. Why do things like this happen to people? Why?

At least today was a good day for her. She insisted that I go out and treat myself. I think the new medications are helping out a lot but her doctor says it’s too soon to tell if things are getting better. I’m glad that she’s able to spend the day out of bed and doing stuff. When I left, she was working on her garden, which looked more lively now that she was there. I told her not to wear herself out and she laughed and said that it’s a mother’s job to worry about her daughter, not the other way around. Then she told me to be back home in time for dinner.

It took a bit longer than expected to reach the cave. The sky was a bit cloudy and it got sort of windy later on. Finally after some difficulty, I made it to the cave. Walking in there alone felt like I was going down memory lane. I can still see us running around and hear us talking about things like it was yesterday. But at the same time it feels like a lifetime ago.

Remember how we used to go treasure hunting? You always knew the best places to find sea glass and seashells. What about the first time we went cliff diving? Ollie and I were nervous while you just dove right in. And how we’d have picnics in the cave? I noticed that there’s a basket left in the back where we hid stuff.

Then I found a small box hidden behind it. I opened it and saw a note that was in your handwriting. It said “To Ollie, with love, Sera.”. Underneath was a silver bracelet with our names engraved on it. This was your present to Ollie, something you meant to give him when he came back from college. I remember seeing you stop by a jewelry store to pick something up.

Was that why you wanted us to go with you to the cave last summer? I know you told me not to dwell on the past too much but seeing that box, I wished that we went out that day. It still wouldn’t change much but still, I’d give anything to have one more day with the three of us hanging out.

With all the things going on later that summer, it’s no surprise that you forgot about it. There’s a few other things we left in here like some old pictures, a few treasures we found, and some notes that are too hard to read now. It’s hard to believe that a year has passed since you left the box in there and the last time the three of us spent the day in the cave together.

You were always stubborn, you know that? By then you could barely get out of the house but you insisted on going to the cave. Possibly for the last time, like you were saying goodbye to an old friend. Despite your frail appearance, you looked as bright as ever. That was the last time you stepped outside.

The next day you thanked me and Ollie for one of the best days of your life. For as long as I live I’ll never forget that day. You wanted us to remember you in a way that makes us happy. That’s why I want to hold on to that day, to remember the bright, lively Sera who lives by the wind and sea.

[rominagarber]

Is it alright if I ask for advise? I'm just...I'm so lost I don't know what to do. I want to be an author but college has never been an interest for me, I honestly feel like if I did go I'd drop out in a year or less.(Ive done my research so i know the cons of not going)I really moreso like the idea of an apprenticeship under another author...but everyone is telling me if I don't go to college no one will want me and that I'll get nowhere in life without a degree.

Hi! 💗I'm far from an expert on how to do anything, and I think the only person you need to be listening to right now is yourself. But, for however little it counts, here's my take: My entire adolescence, all I cared about was being "perfect"--whatever the fuck that means. I just wanted to make everyone around me proud--parents, teachers, friends--b/c I figured as long as I was following every rule and excelling at everything I took on, I must be doing this "life" thing right. So I got A's. I became editor of my school paper. I went to Harvard. I graduated and landed a job where I kept on getting promoted until I was running the whole company and had nowhere higher to go. In short, I did everything I thought I--and everyone else--ever wanted for me. But l wasn't happy. So I thought it must be b/c my oldest dream had yet to come true--I wasn't a published author. (And it wasn't for a lack of trying: In that time, I'd written five full length manuscripts, all of which were rejected.) I decided to leave my job and set aside everything else so that I could finally make it happen--and, at 29, I landed my first contract. Z grew from three books to four, it was translated into nine other languages, and at long last, it even hit the NYT Bestseller list. You would probably think this was it--I'd found the magical happiness switch I'd been searching for. But I'm still me. Still plagued by all the same dark thoughts and insecurities and innate loneliness. Watching my friends marry and have kids and settle into secure jobs, while I still feel lost as fuck. So, my best advice to you is to try not thinking of life as a GPS system: "I want to get to point A (publication), and the most direct route to take is avenue B (skipping college)." Because wherever you want to go, you WILL get there eventually. It may take you a few months or (like me) ten years, but you'll find once you arrive that you're already thinking of your next destination. B/c that's life: It's a journey that doesn't end until it does. Instead, I recommend being present in the present. Try amassing experiences. Try having fun. Try college not because it's a means to an end but an end itself. Don't think about classes the way you do in high school--college is about passion and learning what you want and meeting people different from you and discovering who you are when you're not being who everyone (yourself included) wants you to be. Publishing doesn't pay my bills. In fact, now that the Z series is complete, I'm probably going to have to go back to full time work until I have a new book that sells. So I'm grateful to have a college degree. I was also grateful for it during the decade it took me to get published, as it enabled me to save up enough money to write full time for a couple of years. I don't know that any of what I just wrote will be helpful to you, but as I don't believe in one-size-fits-all formulas, I don't like to give general platitudes and prefer speaking in specifics. If my own experiences can provide insight, great; if not, that's fine, too. Additionally, I posted some advice for aspiring authors on my site, www.rominagarber.com, which will hopefully help. Sorry for the long message, and wishing you good fortune and lots of love and happiness!XoxoxoRomina

[ciathyzareposts]

Game 121: Freddy Pharkas: Frontier Pharmacist (1993): Introduction

by Alex

Hello there, dear The Adventure Gamer family. I am back after a long absence to review another game, and another Al Lowe game, but this time it’s not an entry in the Leisure Suit Larry series. No, I’m leaving my polyester pal behind and traveling to the old west to play Freddy Pharkas: Frontier Pharmacist, Mr. Lowe and co.’s 1993 outing in the Sierra adventure game library. There was a CD-ROM version (more on this later), with voices and everything, released in 1994, but I’m playing the DOS version, mainly because I’m not a huge fan of CD-ROM games.

1993 is smack in the middle of the golden age of Sierra adventure games, which I contend lasted until 1996. You might disagree with me, and I’m sure will let me know in the comments below, but that’s what makes life interesting, right? And we all need a little adventure, uncertainty, and chaos in our lives right about now.

Well actually, no. I certainly don’t! Thankfully, I live out in the middle of nowhere, USA, where nothing happens and we like it like that, but life has certainly been adventurous, uncertain, and chaotic enough for me and my family, thank you very much! We’re all fine, and I hope you are too. But with civil society is crumbling all around me, there’s nothing better to do than fire up an old adventure game and blog about it. So here we go.

The last game I blogged about for The Adventure Gamer was Quest for Glory III: Wages of War back in 2018. In the interim, my wife and I had another child, started a business, and I’ve published two novels, with another novel and a non-fiction book set to publish before the year is up. Plus, I got to meet Joe Pranevich in person, which was really cool. But how many adventure games did I play during this time? With the exception of the first two Quest for Glory games with my son, zero. So I’ve been busy. If both my adventure gaming prowess and my writing are rusty, please bear with me as I play myself back into shape.

Freddy Pharkas: Frontier Pharmacist—and I’m sorry, every time I hear the name Pharkas all I can think of is Scott Farkus, the bully who tormented Ralphie, his brother, and their friends in A Christmas Story.

This guy.

Anyway, Freddy Pharkas: Frontier Pharmacist is Al Lowe’s homage to comedy westerns a la Mel Brooks’s popular 1974 comedy Blazing Saddles. Would you believe I have never seen Blazing Saddles? I know Gene Wilder’s in it, there’s a gigantic Indian named Mongo that punches his horse, that Cleavon Little’s character gets called the N-word a lot (which means this movie is probably not long for this world), and that the central bit of humor is a gigantic fart joke.

Al Lowe

So, yes, no wonder Al Lowe wanted to make his own version of it. That sort of humor is right up Lowe’s alley. I didn’t intend that to sound dirty, but since we’re talking about an Al Lowe game, all of our minds immediately went to the gutter (don’t lie).

But Lowe wasn’t alone! Oh no, Lowe designed Freddy Pharkas: Frontier Pharmacist (I’m calling it FPFP from now on because the full title is a real mouthful (fingerful?) to keep on typing) with Josh Mandel. If the name sounds familiar, it’s because he worked on many Sierra games either as a producer, designer, writer, voice actor, artist, or some combination of those roles. Which games? How about Space Quest 6, The Dagger of Amon Ra, King’s Quest V and VI, and EcoQuest: The Search for Cetus. Mandel worked for other companies afterwards, such as Take-Two Interactive and Mattell, but he also lent his voice talents to the fan remakes of the first three King’s Quest games, reunited with Al Lowe on 2013’s Leisure Suit Larry: reloaded, and was a writer on Quest for Glory designer (and sometimes TAG commenter) Lori and Corey Cole’s Quest for Glory quasi-reboot Hero-U: Rogue to Redemption. He was also the model for the coroner in Police Quest III: The Kindred, but the less said about that game, the better.

Josh Mandel

I also think he might like fart jokes.

Before firing up the game, let’s take a look at the manual.

Titled The Modern Day Book of Health and Hygiene, 1881 edition, the manual is presented like an old-time medical—some might say “pseudo-medicine” almanac written by one Hyman J. Lipschitz, M.D., the President of Phrenologists for Health, Enervating Elixers, Longevity, and Mental Energy, aka (sigh) PHEELME.

This guidebook also has a pretty humorous disclaimer on page two:

Note to those people who might think a parody of a quack remedy guide that pretends to be from the 19th Century could really contain factual information but are too stupid to read disclaimers such as this anyway: The information contained herein is absolute and utter balderdash, provided by Sierra On-Line, Inc. for your Entertainment ONLY and to provide information and clues for FREDDY PHARKAS, FRONTIER PHARMACIST. Do not take the medications we prescribe. Do not apply the balms and liniments we describe. Do not attempt the procedures we outline. Do not believe that Manual Labor is still the President of Mexico. Nothing within this pamphlet is accurate and truthful, to the best of our ability. We are being entirely facetious. Do not, repeat DO NOT, use this documentation as a real medical guide! It’s a joke! Okay? Get it?

We get it, Al and Josh, we do. Also: the president of Mexico being named Manual Labor is a precursor to the horrible/awesome name puns that pervade this game.

Anyway, this isn’t so much an instruction booklet on how-to-play, but what I’m assuming is a very elaborate form of copy protection. You see, Part 1, the Pharmacopoeia, describes various chemicals that can be used as medicines, and in some cases, how to make them. They are sometimes funny, and clearly some entries are there just for laughs, but I’m getting serious King’s Quest III vibes from this whole thing.

Excerpt from the Pharmacopoeia

Part 2 features “home procedures” for things like acne, broken bones, and constipation (no coronavirus though). There’s also a (sigh) flatulence spectrometer, where the doctor is advised to catch fart gas in a paper bag or something and burn it in a spectroscope to figure out the exact chemical compound of what is causing the patient to have the vapors. Things like lentils, apples ‘n brown sugar-cinnamon, and meaty by-products, along with the cure. This is the level of humor we’re dealing with, people. It’s an Al Lowe game, what should I expect?

Actually, the manual is pretty funny, full of the dry, straight-faced humor we’ve come to expect from Mr. Lowe, and the kind of humor I actually get a kick out of. It reminds me of Mad Magazine, where the humor is stupid and low-brow, but an intelligent kind of stupid and low-brow. You know what I mean, right?

In any event, it’s time to start this game up.

Hello, old friend.

The familiar Sierra fanfare and accompanying logo always give me all sorts of warm and fuzzy feelings, as does the sound and graphical style of the title screen, and I’m particularly excited to delve into Freddy Pharkas (wait, that didn’t come out right . . .) since I’ve never played this game. That’s right! Other than reading about this in Sierra’s InterACTION magazine (Sierra’s version of Nintendo Power) when I was a kid, I have no experience whatsoever with FPFP. I’m playing this blind, and have been looking forward to this for quite some time.

This issue right here—I wish I still had it, but scans of it are available at Al’s site

I decide to check out the game’s prologue, and am treated to a well-written and well-composed Western ballad detailing the life of one former famous gunslinger Freddy Pharkas and how he came to be a one-eared pharmacist in the frontier town of Coarsegold, California, a real town near Sierra’s actual location in Oakhurst, California. Coarsegold was apparently also the setting for Sierra’s 1981 On-Line Adventure #3: Cranston Manor, which TAG reviewer Joe Pranevich is yet to review.

The ballad is quite good and humorous while packing in a lot of backstory (kind of like this post). Al Lowe wrote the music—although future Quest for Glory IV composer Aubrey Hodges is the main composer for this game—and Lowe and Mandel both wrote the lyrics. I’ve reprinted the lyrics below so you understand the game’s premise, interspersed with screenshots from the intro (follow the bouncing ball!)

He was born in old St Louie, By the age of four Dad knew he was the Best little crackshot the West had ever seen. By the time he reached pubescence, He could outshoot all the adolescents West of Durango and north of Abilene.

Pharkas, Freddy Pharkas. Famous gunslingin’ deputy. Freddy Pharkas, Freddy Pharkas, Frontier hero-to-be.

Then one day young Freddy Pharkas Stared at eyes as black and dark as night, the Eyes of an outlaw, well-known throughout the West. Oh, the tough kid’s name was Kenny, And he outdrew Freddy Pharkas, when he Shot Freddy’s ear off to prove who was the best.

Now our hero, Freddy Pharkas, With wounded pride and earless carcass, Vowed to the heavens to give up gunnery. He’d be better off, he reckoned, With the lifelong dream that always beckoned: Pestles, not pistols, and pharmacology.

Pharkas, Freddy Pharkas, Highest score on his S.A.T., Freddy Pharkas, Freddy Pharkas. Five-year college degree.

After Fred matriculated, Got his Ph.D. and graduated, Moved out to Coarsegold and bought a pharmacy. He’s a real prescription writer, And they don’t know he’s an ex-gunfighter, Locked up his mem’ries, repressed them totally.

But his peaceful new survival Soon was shot to hell upon arrival Of Coarsegold’s schoolmarm, the sweet Penelope. She has captured Fred’s affection, But he’s scared he’ll get a huge …rejection, Can’t bear to tell her just what he used to be.

Pharkas, Freddy Pharkas. Frontier Pharmacist bourgeoisie, Freddy Pharkas, Freddy Pharkas. Peerless, earless, and free!

The CD-ROM version is apparently sung by Al Lowe himself, because as he describes on his website, everyone thought he had a “funny voice.” You can read all about it, and listen to the ballad, here.

Act I then begins, making me think this game is going to be chapter-based, and you are taken to Coarsegold’s main street as someone is boarding up a building, where a toothless old coot named Whittlin’ Willy starts to tell you all about ol’ Freddy.

Nope, not sitting on your lap. Not getting anywhere NEAR that lap, thanks.

I gain control of Freddy and check the interface. The standard Sierra point-and-click icons are there (Walk, Look, Action, Speak, Inventory), and I take a moment to click the Action icon on various things, which may-or-may-not have included Freddy’s man-region.

I mean, it’s an Al Lowe game. I kind of had to.

There are no surprises, which works for me as this interface generally works really well. In my inventory I only have the key to Freddy’s pharmacy. I’m looking forward to inventory gags, as Al Lowe’s Leisure Suit Larry V was full of humorous messages—each unique!—when you clicked any item on any other item in your inventory. I hope this attention to detail, and bad jokes, carries over to FPFP.

And of course, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that there is a (sigh) Golden Balls Saloon.

This humor style, of course, is par for the course and I don’t view it as a negative per se. I groan and cringe at these kinds of jokes, but I actually like them. They’re generally harmless and Al always seemed like a good guy who just like getting a few yuks out of gamers.

Here he is, describing the inspiration for FPFP:

“In 1992, I noticed that there wasn’t a single Western computer game, even though Western movies had been popular off and on for years. But I wanted to make a humorous Western. What sort of Western could be funny? While discussing this with Roberta Williams, I started to say ‘farmer’ but my mouth tried to say ‘rancher’ and out came a tangled mess that kind of sounded like, ‘farmer-cist.’ Hey! A pharmacist? Why not? Thus was born Freddy Pharkas, Frontier Pharmacist!

I think it may well be my funniest game, due in great part to the wit of Josh Mandel. Computer Gaming World called it ‘The Blazing Saddles of computer games’ (see box cover below) which I considered perfect praise since that movie was my inspiration.”

Funniest gmae, huh? I sure hope so! Leisure Suit Larry has its moments, but nothing is really laugh out loud funny. Maybe FPFP will be. We’ll see!

I have high hopes reading this bit of trivia from Josh Mandel:

“Mandel had explained in a commentary the reason why there were so many more jokes in the Floppy Disk version as compared to the CD-ROM version of the game, ‘I had co-designed, directed, produced, and written the floppy version; there were no plans at all, at the time, to produce a CD version. When sales of the floppy version justified a CD version, I was no longer available to produce and direct it, having by then started on SQ6. Al Lowe was then tapped to do the casting and recording of the CD version, but the game already had so much text in it that, when it came time to record the inventory text, Al just stopped—he was, he said, tired of sitting in the sound studio. As I had written the vast majority of the game’s text and dialogue, I pointed out to him that, in the process of cutting roughly 15% of the game’s text from the recording, he’d not only left out many jokes, but many clues and hints as well.’”

And like I said, I’m playing the DOS version, so not only will I not be missing out on “clues and hints,” I’ll be getting all the jokes as well. Oh boy!

Mind you, I have no clue what the plot is, but I’m eager to hop in and see what Coarsegold has to offer. If there are references I don’t get in my posts, please let me know. I’m a medium-sized Western fan. I love the idea and image and aesthetic of cowboys and the American west, I’ve seen several John Wayne and Clint Eastwood movies, and I have some Louis L’Amour paperbacks I need to get around to reading, but I’m no expert or connoisseur of the Western genre. Then again, I’m no expert or connoisseur of the adventure game genre and that doesn’t stop me from writing about, so maybe I have nothing to worry about.

Anyway, time to saddle up and play. See you next time, pardner! Yee haw, yippie-ki-yi-yay, and all that jazz.

source http://reposts.ciathyza.com/game-121-freddy-pharkas-frontier-pharmacist-1993-introduction/

[qgaje8wz-blog]

Affordable Care Act: Why were men denied?

Affordable Care Act: Why were men denied?

The Goal: the creation of a national identification to enable better tracking of patients who want any information about their health. I forgot about that one. In many European countries

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[themoneybuff-blog]

How Journaling Practices Have Helped My Financial Situation

Ive mentioned often on The Simple Dollar how journaling is a daily practice for me and has been off and on (but mostly on) since middle school in various forms. At times, its taken the form of simply cataloguing my day; at other times, Ive written in response to various prompts; today, its completely different (and Ill write about that in a bit). In any case, writing in my journal simply put, getting thoughts out of my head down on paper is something that is a daily part of my life. Why have I kept up with it for so long? How has it helped me in any way thats made it worth the time investment? And what does that practice look like? Thats what I want to share today. Lets start with the why. The Benefits of Journaling, Financial and Otherwise I keep up with a daily journaling practice for a lot of reasons. First of all, it feels like a mental relief to do it because it quiets the monologue in my head. Along with meditation, its one of the two most effective routine things Ive found in my life for getting the constantly chattering voice in my head to quiet down a little. That voice is constantly going over things I need to do, things Im thinking about or worried about, my upcoming plans, some problem Im interested in, and all kinds of other stray thoughts. That constant stream of thought is distracting. I find that dumping some of that stream of thought down on paper quiets that distracting voice pretty well, at least for a while. Ive found that one big burst of writing in my journal at the start of the day coupled with having a pocket notebook on me at all times to jot down other stray thoughts throughout the day keeps that voice a lot quieter and a lot less distracting. Second, I use it to work through challenging problems in my life that Im not quite sure how to solve. When I observe something I dont like in my life, my mind often worries on that problem without ever really coming to a good conclusion on it. Ill think about that problem over and over, but at best my idle thoughts will come up with really half-baked solutions. When I sit down and journal and dump that problem out on paper, I find that I almost always work toward an actual good solution to the problem (or problems) in my head. By writing out the problem as I see it, I usually get some better insight into whats really going on, and then as I write down that insight, more pop up, and eventually I lead myself to the real source of the problem and perhaps a start down the path to a good solution. This applies very well to personal finance. For example, it was writing in my journal that really helped me piece together that something was wrong with my financial life and gradually led me to the decision to make some major changes. It has helped me figure out what things in my life were frivolous expenses and which ones were not. It has helped me to identify situations where I was spending money nonsensically as an emotional response to some other situation in my life. Third, its helped me to understand complex ideas by taking a bunch of swirling bits and pieces Ive learned recently and didnt fully understand and combine them into something meaningful and comprehensible and useful. Many of my journal entries have originated from my thinking about something I read recently or experienced recently that I didnt quite understand, and by simply spelling it all out piece by piece, the idea came together for me. I used to do this a lot when I was in college, but I still do it quite frequently when Im reading something or when Ive had a difficult interaction with someone. For example, it was this practice that really helped me to understand investing and how index funds work and helped me decide that I should put as much of our investment money as possible into index funds. The ideas made sense on their own, but it was assembling the ideas and relating them to our own situation, which I did over a bunch of journaling sessions, that locked our retirement planning into place. I did the same thing when we were shopping for a home. Many of my entries during the months in which we were house shopping were oriented around figuring out how the house buying process worked, how mortgages worked, and so on. This actually leads well into my next point. Journaling has helped me come to a firm conclusion when there were a lot of options on the table. Often, decision making comes down to being able to filter through a lot of options, figure out which elements matter the most, and choose from those options based on that. Journaling has helped me with every piece of that process for many different major decisions in my life. As I noted earlier, journaling was essential in our home buying process. I wrote down extensive thoughts on each home we visited, the relative merits and drawbacks of each, and what each would look like financially. My journaling process helped Sarah and I choose a home that we could afford that met our needs, a home we still live in. Its helped me decide between investment options. Its helped me make career choices when I had several options on the table at a few points in my life. Simply writing through each of the options, figuring out what was good and bad about each one, and then coming to a clear decision not only helped me make a great decision at each of those crossroads, it also helped clear my head of constant worrying and constant thoughts on the subject. So, how exactly do I do this? What does my journaling practice look like? My Own Journaling Practice Ive used a number of practices over the years, but the one Ive used for the last few years, with a few tweaks, has been a small variation on the three morning pages journaling practice first popularized by Julia Cameron. In Camerons original practice, she simply suggested that a person sit down with a blank journal and start writing, filling up three pages in a journal with their writing before stopping for the day. Write about whatevers on your mind if its on your mind, just write it down, no matter how inane or pointless it seems. It gets that thought out of your head and makes space for whatevers next. Some days, everything is inane, and thats fine. Other days, youre working through some very difficult things, and thats fine, too. The goal is to empty that junk out of your head so you can get clean start to your day. I tried doing this exact thing for a while, but I ran into a number of small problems with it. The biggest one was that my handwriting is small and the pages in my journal are big. I tend to journal by writing in block capital letters it just feels the most comfortable to me and the writing is pretty small. Most of my journals are either full size pages or close to it. Thus, it can take a long time to simply fill up a page with words, even if Im writing as fast as I can. So, I modified the practice to what I call 45 morning minutes. I just set a timer for 45 minutes, sit down with my journal, open to the next blank page (or partial page), and start writing. When the timer goes off, I keep going until theres a clear break in thought and then I write a big double line across the page indicating the end of the day, and Im done. Journaling with a strict time limit keeps it within a reasonable time frame for me and makes it easy to schedule. Obviously, I do this in the morning, usually before anyone else is awake. I find that doing this early in the day is really effective at quieting down that internal monologue that distracts me with chatter and ideas throughout the day. Id rather have it quiet in the mornings and afternoons so that I can get focused work done. So, thats another big part of the equation for me: journaling in the morning quiets my internal monologue so that I can focus better during the work day. After I finish, I usually read back through my entry over the course of a few minutes, mostly to extract things that I need to get done in the near future. Are there any actionable items that I thought about or generated during that journaling? If so, I move them to my to-do list manager or to my calendar so I can find them later on in the day when Im actually doing stuff. Again, another key point: journaling often generates specific actions I need to work on or things I need to take care of, so I transfer those out to a to-do list. After that, I just close my journal and go about my day. There are a few obvious questions that come about from that description, so let me address them right now. I read old entries, but nothing older than a few months. After four or five months, the old entries start to read like they were written by another person living another life. Its familiar in the way that a distant memory is familiar, but it doesnt feel like me any more. When journal entries reach that point, then there isnt really any value to them any more, at least not for me. The method of journaling I use is not really a record of what I did each day, so once the entries arent fresh, I dont find any personal value in them. Ive changed enough as a person that the situations and solutions I wrote about in old journals no longer apply specifically to new situations. I havent actively read journal entries more than a few months old in a long time, and every time I happen to see one, I really dont care to read it. There are a few reasons for this, but most of it boils down to the fact that my journals reflect my active thinking at that moment, but when that moment fades away, theres not much value there. Its not a record of my life, but an outpouring of my current thought. There are some specific reasons, too. I am often deeply critical of myself, something that doesnt need to be re-read and dwelled upon. I sometimes tear myself to shreds when Im writing a journal entry. Im extremely critical of my flaws and mistakes, and while that can be good in the moment when Im assessing a situation or setting out a goal, it doesnt do me any good to read it later or for someone else to read it. I am sometimes honestly critical of my children in a way that I wouldnt want them to read; I do this not to be cruel, but to figure out how to be a good parent to them. It does not make me a good parent to pretend that my children are perfect and flawless. Rather, one of the best things I can do as a parent is to honestly assess their good features and their flaws and take those into account when I figure out how to communicate well with them and guide them toward good decision making practices, life ambitions, and things of that nature. For example, I might write down that one of my children is extremely conscientious of others but is sometimes excessively boastful, or I might write that another child is richly thoughtful but very quick to frustration and anger. (Obviously, these arent actual observations and are quite sanitized to boot, just examples so you understand what I mean.) Those arent thoughts that I want them to read, or anyone else to read. The same is true for my wife and my role as a husband and, occasionally, some of my friends and my role as their friend. I do similar evaluations of my wife at times. In what ways is she amazing? In what ways can I complement her with my strengths? In what ways does she complement my own weaknesses? How can I help out in areas where shes not as strong? Im sure shes glad that I think about such things and consider how to be a better husband, but I dont think even she would want to actually read such thoughts. The same thing is true if I assess a friend, particularly if theyre asking me for some life advice. I want to give the best advice I can to them, and that sometimes means being critical, and sometimes those words find their way into my journals. Thus, I dont save old journals, at least not anything older than my most recent one. I keep my current journal and my previous one in a secure place where they cant easily be found. My current journal is easy for me to grab in the mornings, but its not in a place where it would likely be found. When my current journal is full, I destroy the previous journal after I read through it again. For a while, I was keeping digital copies of my old journals, but I found that I was never looking at them, didnt really want to ever look at them, and didnt want anyone else to find them, so I stopped doing this. The downside to others finding those thoughts was worth more than the upside of any potential limited use I might have for them in the future. The policy of destroying the journals and keeping the current one secure lets me be more unguarded with my journaling. Given that I know my journals wont be around for posterity, I feel more comfortable just letting my thoughts fly on the page. I dont worry about who might read them or how they might appear for posterity. At worst, the most recent journal or two might be found, and that doesnt worry me too much. I usually start off each journal with a note saying that this is a collection of my unguarded thoughts as I worked through personal decisions and I would appreciate that the journal would be destroyed upon discovery if I were to pass. I vastly prefer handwritten journaling, but I may switch to using a stylus and writing on a table in the future as those technologies improve; writing by hand provides a clarity of thought that typing doesnt quite provide for me. For me, typing is conducive to rapidly recording ideas, but the process doesnt allow me any space to think about them. If I want to explore my thoughts, consider things, and actually remember them, I write things out by hand. This is true for journaling, but its also true for taking notes at meetings, taking notes when Im reading, taking notes during a lecture, and so on. I write all of those notes by hand and, if theres potential value that I might get out of them later, I convert them to digital format. I feel like taking notes with an Apple Pencil on an iPad is 90% of the way to where I want a stylus to be, but its not all the way there yet. When its perfect, writing thoughts down on a tablet using a stylus will be the best way to journal and take notes because it offers the advantages of both writing by hand and digital notes, but for now, its not quite there yet, and given a choice between the two, the thoughtfulness and retention of writing by hand outweighs typing out journal entries for me. I use Leuchtturm 1917 journals and either Uniball Signo 207, Pilot G2, or Pilot Juice pens. The journal isnt a requirement Ive used all kinds of different things over the years but I really like the size and the binding and paper quality of that specific journal. One of those usually lasts about two and a half months for my journaling purposes. As for the pens, I really only have three requirements for a pen: it needs to write when I want it without a lot of futzing around, it needs to have a thin line and not bleed all over the page or make a mess, and it needs to not leak in my pocket. The pens listed up there pass those tests with flying colors. I can get weeks and weeks out of writing with just one of them and it costs less than a dollar, which is good enough for me. Id rather spend $0.75 on a pen that will write for weeks without fail and not make a mess or leak than a $0.25 pen or a freebie that will need a bunch of waving around or tinkering when I want it to write, leave a ton of messy ink on the page, and inevitably leave a big blotch of ink on the paper or in my pocket. Final Thoughts Spending some time each day journaling simply writing my thoughts down on paper not only helps me piece through the problems in my life and ideas in my head, it also helps clear my mind and make it easier to focus on the tasks of the day because it quiets the voice in my head that would otherwise keep running through those problems and ideas. It has helped me not only figure out a bunch of financial and professional problems, its also helped keep my mind focused when actually doing work to earn an income. I find that my 45 morning minutes practice works extremely well for me, but there are many practices out there that range from simply listing the events of the day, writing what youre grateful for, brainstorming, and many other things. I highly recommend trying several practices until you find one that works well for you and then stick with it for a while. You might just find that it becomes an essential part of your life toolbox. Good luck! https://www.thesimpledollar.com/how-journaling-practices-have-helped-my-financial-situation/

[craftyeggalienwombat-blog]

Kool Krust Klan

Kool Krust Klan by Clarence Dair IV

the year was 181904 the team was getting prepared to summon a ghost that was said to be from a tree; this ghost was said to be called nature. the best way to look for this ghost is when you uses the symbols of Clarence from 2018. their has been a delay because lord Clarence had given 150 symbols to an ex he lost his clue to the life that started the path to hide the ghost called nature. when the Klan started out they would argued about the paper type of the tree, the difference of paper which one would call the correct ghost, and so fourth to meet the ghost of nature, the Klan got confused on the type of paper Clarence used in 2018 and talked about if the paper type was important in the summing of the ghost of nature the Klan had no leader only a table of information in honor for Snok Dair; how all lead to the internet he was making a way for nature’s ghost to live with him during the placement of internet it was said the ghost of nature was honored to be with Clarence during placement.

-Kool Krust Klan

bob: the create has to open side ways

luand: dose it have to be i mean we can have the machine just be un covered

bob: yeah the order of Clarence will see it and desire to know the information of the machine and we have to make sure they don't know about us getting the ghost of nature from clarence's symbols the pope might get involved

luand: nah the order dose not care about ghost since Clarence never pissed off any ghost

rick: isn't that weird that he never pissed off ghost and the ghost are free to be alive

candy: if it wasn't for clarence's magic ghost wouldn't have understood nature

rick: how so

Candy: nature is life & balance the ghost couldn’t find balance due to so much so Clarence use symbols to control the unbalance to crate a new balance of creation & stability

bob: he also stood to the fact no matter what he was a dinosaur

candy:  yes & at 25 he became the scholar of unknown

luand: yes we know he is a legend of knowledge

bob; its funny tho like harry potter we all have search for these symbols in our spare time to bring the 2nd reaper, the ghost of nature, and core of earth

rick: yeah how are we supposed to get the core of earth

luand: it dose not say no where all Clarence wrote was that it was like a chip into a computer that made the computer health

rick: okay one more time where can we find that

bob: its his first symbol the yang ying symbol of progression, if you copy it on bamboo paper it will dry into a word called tasktumforious.

rick: & what dose tasktumforious mean?

bob: the brain of holy common sense

rick: and how bout the core?

candy: no you have to look at the symbol till it moves if you see the picture move you are part of Clarence core if you see word like bob you are an unknown Clarence use to teach

luand: his baby choose a few people for his growth it’s never a bad thing not to be part of the core since it was said if he teaches you you will grow your ancient mile and the yous of yourself will be at growth.

candy: other then his infamous rep he was able to calm the beast in him the dragons core and tried to calm others but no mail can stamp his unknown

rick: so this is why he is my lord

bob: sure more like guru a world on our globe

luand: what is the machine for

bob: the machine is to calm & balance the ghost

rick: is that all we are here for and how did you paid this school to let you get accuse to the grounds

bob: i’m rich ..... wish i never said that, alright so listen this school is called foster this was his grade school he toke a 3rd grade picture leaning on a tree

luand: so we are going to put his 150 symbols on the tree

bob: correct

rick: then what

candy: we each hold i copy of his first symbol, it is said to know the ghost of nature you must hold my symbol

rick: so why 150 symbols on the tree

luand: it was written in the 3rd grade he never saw his finger & toe markings and left eye mole so he was actually blind to the beast he was since he was a child that kept wanting to learn

rick: do you think his life was a set-up

candy: yes totally because he didn't have school knowledge into college so he never had knowledge easy intill late teens

rick: he went to college at 17 tho isn't that smart at that

bob: yes it is it is a twist because if he was smart as a child he wouldn't have explored the unknown; when he went to college he was missing knowledge and the missing knowledge made him desire knowledge since knowledge was missing

rick: i heard people in his class & teachers felt award around him luand: because he was not what people recognized, since everyone talked about him it made to easy for him to be weird and hard for him to actually em brass school.

rick: yeah i always argued that since people talked about him when he was around in their life why did it scar him i always felt like he could of that as his advantage

candy: no not really he vowed to learn philosophy & even when the world give up on philosophy to deal with people drama of talking behind his back got to a point where it controlled him i readied he couldn't desire to learn anymore

bob: what ever enough about him the symbols are ready to go around the tree

rick: let me help you

bob: alright

candy: here i have this water ink that allow you to copy a surface of drawing just put the bamboo paper of the art pour water and brush on the ink and the picture comes out perfect all the time

luand: nice where did you find this

candy: i made it myself

luand: beautiful i own a shop back home do you want to sell your product thier.. my store is filled with items from makers like you i own the land so i use the store for people like you and don't have to pay to put your stuff in my store and i only get 2%-5% per month income of the product meaning if your items make a 100 dollars a month then i will take $5-$10 dollars

candy: yeah other then the 4 kits i have for us i have 2 other kits a brought for back-up ill give you dem

luand: perfect

rick: okay we are done

bob: hand me that bucket it has cinnamon sent rose spray to bring the ghost awake

candy: alright y'all each of y'all take one of my kits

bob: nice .................. rick: okay are we ready

candy: yup luand: yes bob: yeah rick: okay all together now 1.... 2.... 3.... bob,candy,luand,rick: TASKTUMFORIOUS ............... (clouds come from the tree which cover the ground now the ground is cloud and what seems like the ocean is in the sky the tree stays till no wind at all)

fonzie fonsie nature ghost: FOOTSIE......... Mmm why are you here what for tell me whom feet can i lick

bob: oh yeah Clarence love for with feet

candy: i know i love Clarence for that so bad

luand: yeah i also dreamed about foot play with Clarence that's why i made him my lord

candy: me too

rick: Mmmm anyways ghost of nature we came to know about the dragon

fonsie fonzie nature ghost: ohumm the dragon..... before i call him can i know why you spent time in order to talk to me or the dragon

candy: we did it so lord Clarence can come back to life

fonsie fonzie nature ghost: nice to see a fan but he will be back in the year 25,0000 isn't it like year 18,1904

rick; is that because 25 is his favorite number and the age year lord Clarence realized love

fonsie fonzie nature ghost: correct ....

luand started to write the details of the ghost as her foot was on the bamboo paper; she write she ghost had claws and holy life deer antlers the ghost was an animal a wolf, deer, rabbit & bear was combined into one creation luand remember Clarence writings saying he would use these animals to what he called wipe the tears of his fears, as she finished up a doodle to go along with the write to put it in her pocket grab the bamboo paper back in her hand and listened to what the nature ghost was saying

bob: you and the dragon will bring order to the order of Clarence things have gone wrong the courts only hold onto what he actually did. as my lord i know he did more then what the order has for the people of today's world

fonsie fonzie nature ghost: yes Clarence warned me about this time all i can say i was sleep and now look at people are their clan of peoples emends of the order of Clarence

luand: no

fonsie fonzie nature ghost: okay so you can rest away knowing that i will not call the dragon. plus a horse is supposed to call the dragon @ important era as in when order will ask me to   walk to the palace as i walk to the palace of the pope every step from me the nature ghost will bring back the beast Clarence not the toon Clarence of the 20th cenenetry the beast Clarence which will be able to pet all animals since 20th century Clarence was busy with toons.

rick: may we take pictures

fonsie fonzie nature ghost: technology puts ghosts to sleep but okay try it

rick: i cant see you

fonsie fonzie nature ghost: its a trip huh like that Pokemon go game in the 20 centerty Clarence use to play i believe it would be fearful to watch me in real life but cant see me thru the phone

rick: not really

candy: yeah me make believe technology blinded us for ghost & creations like you

fonsie fonzie nature ghost: Mmmm not really you Fe-wo and e-mph have the phone it actually give us some leg room

luand: what do we do know

fonsie fonzie nature ghost: i don't know i can turn into a person and be a guru for y'all 4

bob: isn't this place sarket tho

fonzie fonsie nature ghost: no y'all i have use the first summed of Clarence low key which equals me being free and Clarence dair once people work on him i can find a job

rick,luand,bob,candy: A PERSON

fonsie fonzie nature ghost: yeah i’m Jesus. i was only here to protect my dragon to never be used again. you working on Clarence showed me Clarence was a valid value to knowledge so i am putting our dragon in the universe as the order of Clarence desire

rick: so we did something luand: what did we just do

Jesus: yeah yes the dragon i will call soon so she may go to the univrse has been on earth; guarded by my moon creation never to leave the earth till order was right (perfect, beautiful, etc) the creation looks like if you watch Dragon ball Z the moon creation looks like freezea and cell combine together since Clarence loved super saytain 2 goku and goku used super saytian 2 to fight both of them so made common sense to the era of the toon world he was living in. the dragon is a mere dinosaur that has venom n and uses nitrogen to breathe fire the dragon has lived in Asia no one run away that's why and basically the dragon calls it a land of home zoo so protection protection protection protection. OKAY so now .......... OI

the earth shake the quake of the clouds on the ground to the water in the sky rumble with uncontrolled the sheer zoom of the flight of the dragon so massive and move super fast Jesus had to use gravity so the Kool Krust Klan wouldn't roll away. one tooth was as big as the 9 foot Jesus. the 4 bodies started shake uncontrolled by nature the 4 felt like their were died but were breathing fresh breath of life. Jesus smiled

Jesus: dragon why did you bring the almighty cat

dragon (without moving the jaw): we both desired to control the universe

Jesus: as Clarence wishes let it be

dragon (with the jaw moving): the almighty dog still wont leave clarence's grave

Jesus: in the year 25,000 he will

almighty cat: we shall have lot hwarz in the universe

Jesus: yes Clarence is smart he planned hell to o to the space and heaven to go to the toon also the abyss is a place of study right on top of the core of the earth clarence's map is very smart

almighty cat: Clarence allowed me to rule of pain

Jesus: okay AC cool down

rick: Jesus makes jokes

Jesus: i do not care how you arrange things when i start my check the only thing is you both have to know whom is going to own the stars and whom is going to own the planets

dragon & almighty cat: Sire

as the massive dragon and the almighty cat take off to the universe Jesus creations flashes to Jesus side

luand: woa look at that its what Jesus describe candy: yeah its gray black and white rick: it dose look like the 20th centenary dragon ball z characters cell and freezea combined. bob: totally have to watch 20 century toons

Tail: father Jesus the dragon and i suppose the cat went home to the universe.

Jesus: yes correct

Tail: so now i live at the tree

Jesus: yes i bugsbunny will be around sometimes, it was my perfect plan  to have a toon creation guard of clarence's dragon then have that toon live at the same tree as clarence's favorite cartoon bunny Mr. bugsbunny so now Tail and bugsbunny will have freedom from chorus of different realty since tail had to see the moon and bugsbunny had to see me. now toon life shall go back to perfect.

candy: Jesus so i am very shy ....... are we gonna died when you leave or wake up somewhere

Jesus: by choice, the other thing is you 4 will not be able to see each other for the rest of the day and night till tomorrow morning.

bob:

Jesus: yes bob it is a rule so you will die

bob: okay so we all cancel for beers

Jesus: so how bes it candy you first since your shy girl

candy: Jesus called me girl omg omg omg omg omg awww mmmm may i wake up in my bed tomorrow morning.

Jesus; (Taps his finger (since the 4s nature is gone right now)

rick: can i walk away from here starting at the front gate of the school entrance

Jesus: (Snaps his fingers)

luand: may i have me wake up in my shop i am sorry Jesus but with 2 of candy's kit in my shop.

Jesus: of course (claps his hands)

bob: i guess i am the last one i don't know why i am so worried.... we will remember this stuff please Jesus

Jesus: you all have already chosen to remember

bob: okay Jesus can i clean up everything and leave thru the back gate of the school

Jesus: you may (closes his hands)

as they are brainwashed for the rest of the day & night Jesus cleans their fear so when they remember the path of Clarence it will be safe since the dragon nature would have hunted the Fe-wo & e-mph. the water in the sky turned into clouds as the clouds on the ground turned back into grass and as the wind on the tree continues life is still as Jesus goes home to the abyss he pastes by Clarence grave looking at all the people-creations that truly loved him as he touches the door knob to his home he pauses cries yells out "father thru all he had to do trail of court will never be Clarence father he owns ghost and cartoons the love Clarence had will always and forever be my child as i live he live with the core of earth." he opens the door and closes it.

Spartans: Drake yourself has fallen for knowledge and wont wake till year 25,000 & it is year 18,1904

Drake: no scum i am the leader till he wakes then i sleep till year 50,000 then he goes back to sleep till year 75,000 then i go back to sleep till the year 100,000

Spartans: no

drake: i know i must keep Clarence safe as Jesus studies.

drake: go

meanwhile grave of Clarence

Clarence: so when we say brown skin i mean Mexican or Latin mac miller: yeah id figure you would say light skinned for black and give the culture name if you were talking about native American or other brown skin cultures.

[portmack]

bored n sad

1. DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR CLOSET DOORS OPEN OR CLOSED?- idc

2. DO YOU TAKE THE SHAMPOOS AND CONDITIONER BOTTLES FROM HOTELS?- no

3. DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR SHEETS TUCKED IN OR OUT?- out i hate when theyre in 

4. HAVE YOU STOLEN A STREET SIGN BEFORE?- no

5. DO YOU LIKE TO USE POST-IT NOTES?- i like them as bookmarks and sometimes ill have to do lists on them

6. DO YOU CUT OUT COUPONS BUT THEN NEVER USE THEM?- occasionally 

7. WOULD YOU RATHER BE ATTACKED BY A BIG BEAR OR A SWARM OF BEES?- bear 

8. DO YOU HAVE FRECKLES?- no

9. DO YOU ALWAYS SMILE FOR PICTURES?- eh

10. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE?- when people are late

11. DO YOU EVER COUNT YOUR STEPS WHEN YOU WALK?- all the time

12. HAVE YOU PEED IN THE WOODS?- probably

13. HAVE YOU EVER POOPED IN THE WOODS?- no

14. DO YOU EVER DANCE EVEN IF THERES NO MUSIC PLAYING?- eh

15. DO YOU CHEW YOUR PENS AND PENCILS?- no

16. HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU SLEPT WITH THIS WEEK?- 0

17. WHAT SIZE IS YOUR BED?- twin xl

18. WHAT IS YOUR SONG OF THE WEEK?- new york by st vincent

19. IS IT OK FOR GUYS TO WEAR PINK?- sure

20. DO YOU STILL WATCH CARTOONS?- yeah

21. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE MOVIE?- idk

22. WHERE WOULD YOU BURY HIDDEN TREASURE IF YOU HAD SOME?- my bank account

23. WHAT DO YOU DRINK WITH DINNER?- water

24. WHAT DO YOU DIP A CHICKEN NUGGET IN?- i dont eat meat

25. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOOD?- croissants 

26. WHAT MOVIES COULD YOU WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND STILL LOVE?- foodfight (2012)

27. LAST PERSON YOU KISSED/KISSED YOU?- nah

28. WERE YOU EVER A BOY/GIRL SCOUT?- no

29. WOULD YOU EVER STRIP OR POSE NUDE IN A MAGAZINE?- not at the moment

30. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WROTE A LETTER TO SOMEONE ON PAPER?- yeah

31. CAN YOU CHANGE THE OIL ON A CAR?- i cant even drive

32. EVER GOTTEN A SPEEDING TICKET?- no

33. EVER RAN OUT OF GAS?- no

34. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE KIND OF SANDWICH?- not a fan

35. BEST THING TO EAT FOR BREAKFAST?- pancakes

36. WHAT IS YOUR USUAL BEDTIME?- anytime

37. ARE YOU LAZY?- not really 

38. WHEN YOU WERE A KID, WHAT DID YOU DRESS UP AS FOR HALLOWEEN?- idk

39. WHAT IS YOUR CHINESE ASTROLOGICAL SIGN?- boar

40. HOW MANY LANGUAGES CAN YOU SPEAK?- uh the closest to being fluent was italian but i used to be able to half speak spanish and latin

41. DO YOU HAVE ANY MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTIONS?- used to have a fourfourtwo one but not anymore

42. WHICH ARE BETTER: LEGOS OR LINCOLN LOGS?- legos

43. ARE YOU STUBBORN?- only when im right

44. WHO IS BETTER: LENO OR LETTERMAN?- idc

45. EVER WATCH SOAP OPERAS?- no

46. ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS?- no

47. DO YOU SING IN THE CAR?- no

48. DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?- no

49. DO YOU DANCE IN THE CAR?- no

50. EVER USED A GUN?- no

51. LAST TIME YOU GOT A PORTRAIT TAKEN BY A PHOTOGRAPHER?- senior pictures in high school

52. DO YOU THINK MUSICALS ARE CHEESY?- yeah 

53. IS CHRISTMAS STRESSFUL?- yeah

54. EVER EAT A PIEROGI?- not since i was like 6

55. FAVORITE TYPE OF FRUIT PIE?- i dont eat pie

56. OCCUPATIONS YOU WANTED TO BE WHEN YOU WERE A KID?- soccer player or vet

57. DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS?- eh

58. EVER HAVE A DEJA-VU FEELING?- sure

59. DO YOU TAKE A VITAMIN DAILY?- not currently

60. DO YOU WEAR SLIPPERS?- no

61. DO YOU WEAR A BATH ROBE?- no

62. WHAT DO YOU WEAR TO BED?- usually sweatpants and a tshirt

63. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CONCERT?- not counting music festivals i think owl city/maroon 5/vv brown

64. WALMART, TARGET, OR KMART?- target

65. NIKE OR ADIDAS?- abibas

66. CHEETOS OR FRITOS?- pringles

67. PEANUTS OR SUNFLOWER SEEDS?- i dont like either

68. EVER HEAR OF THE GROUP TRES BIEN?- idk

69. EVER TAKE DANCE LESSONS?- we had to take a dance class in 5th grade and we learned choreography to a high school musical song

 70. IS THERE A PROFESSION YOU PICTURE YOUR FUTURE SPOUSE DOING?- no

71. CAN YOU CURL YOUR TONGUE?- yeah

72. EVER WON A SPELLING BEE?- no

73. HAVE YOU EVER CRIED BECAUSE YOU WERE SO HAPPY?- yeah

74. OWN ANY RECORD ALBUMS?- several

75. OWN A RECORD PLAYER?- yeah

76. DO YOU REGULARLY BURN INCENSE?- no

77. EVER BEEN IN LOVE?- hm 

78. WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE IN CONCERT?- tbh ive seen all my favorite favorite bands i think, but maybe hop along

79. WHAT WAS THE LAST CONCERT YOU SAW?- saintseneca/yuck

80. HOT TEA OR COLD TEA?- coffee

81. TEA OR COFFEE?- coffee

82. SUGAR COOKIES OR SNICKERDOODLES?- either

83. CAN YOU SWIM WELL?- well enough

84. CAN YOU HOLD YOUR BREATH WITHOUT HOLDING YOUR NOSE?- yeah

85. ARE YOU PATIENT?- you could say that

86. DJ OR BAND AT A WEDDING?- im not a fan of weddings

87. EVER WON A CONTEST?- yeah

88. HAVE YOU EVER HAD PLASTIC SURGERY?- no

89. WHICH ARE BETTER: BLACK OR GREEN OLIVES?- i dont eat olives

90. CAN YOU KNIT OR CROCHET?- no

91. BEST ROOM FOR A FIREPLACE?- no room

92. DO YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED?- not really

93. IF MARRIED, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED?

94. WHO WAS YOUR HIGH SCHOOL CRUSH?- someone that turned out to be a hardcore republican but i didnt know that at the time

95. DO YOU CRY AND THROW A FIT UNTIL YOU GET YOUR OWN WAY?- no

96. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?- i have dogs

97. DO YOU WANT KIDS?- no

98. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR? - bue

99. DO YOU MISS ANYONE RIGHT NOW?- not really

Tell me the 3 best things about you.- im reliable, thats all i can think of

On a scale of 1-10, how strict are/were your parents?- they werent strict with me because i was well behaved and did well in school so probably like 1-2

Who was your worst teacher? Why?- my ap english teacher probably

Who was your favorite teacher? Why?- i like my archaeology professor

Which would you pick: being world-class attractive, a genius or famous for doing something great?- idk

Who are the 3 greatest living musicians?- joanna newsom

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?- everything

What was your favorite toy growing up?- idk

Name 3 celebrities you most admire.- i dont really care about celebrities

Name a celebrity you think is lame.

What accomplishment are you most proud of?- i guess being about to graduate college

Which of your friends are you proudest of? Why?- not really sure who considers me a friend anymore

What’s the most beautiful place you’ve ever been?- barcelona

What are your 3 favorite movies?- foodfight, foodfight, foodfight

Which historical figure would you like to be?- dont care

What’s the right age to get married?- whenever you want to

Tell me 3 things you remember about kindergarten.- i could probably name at least half my classmates

What paper that you’ve written are you most proud of?- ive only written 3? maybe 4 papers all throughout college and im not really proud of any of them they were just assignments to me

What’s your favorite ice cream flavor?- black raspberry or nutterbutter

What’s your favorite holiday?- im not a holiday guy

If you could eat only 3 foods for the rest of your life, what would they be?- i basically already do that

If you could be a cartoon character for a week, who would you be?- thats a good question but im not gonna answer it

What’s one choice you really regret?- several choices i made around age 13

What’s a great book you’ve read recently?- i havent read a real book in a few years :-(

Do you feel like a leader or a follower?- more of a leader

If you could ask your pet 3 questions, what would they be?- why are you a rat

What’s the most courageous thing you’ve ever done?- not die

Who would play you in a movie of your life?- me

If you could be an Olympic athlete, in what sport would you compete?- idk i guess soccer or tennis maybe snowboarding 

If you had to live in a different state, what would it be?- ive lived in 3 states

What living person, other than family members, do you most admire?- hm

What has been your favorite family vacation?- honestly probably random places in Pennsylvania thats vague but those are usually fun

If you could choose your own nickname, what would it be?- idk

Who is the funniest person you know?- some guy from high school

What’s your favorite thing about one of your grandparents?- my grandma is wild

Do you ever talk to yourself? When and what do you say?- not out loud 

When you’re having a bad day, what do you do to make yourself feel better?- suffer 

What’s your favorite smell in the whole world?- i cant smell well my nose doesnt work

What do you think is the greatest invention of all time?- computers

Using one word, how would you describe your family?- mess

Would you rather win an Olympic medal, an Academy Award or the Nobel Peace prize?- nobel but not the peace prize

What’s your favorite time of day?- afternoon

What’s your favorite season?- fall

What’s the one food you could never bring yourself to eat?- i dont eat most things

If you could ask the President one question, what would it be?- fuck you

If you could pick a new first name, what would it be?- theres a couple i have in mind

What’s your dream job?- i wish i knew

Cake or pie?- cake

What’s the best part about having siblings?- someone to play vidya games with

What is the scariest movie you’ve ever seen?- i dont watch scary movies

If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would it be?-italy

What is your favorite family tradition?- we dont have many

Who’s your celebrity crush?- eyes emoji

What trait do you like the most about yourself?- hm

What are you good at?- school

What fictional character do you wish you could meet?- theres a long list

What’s the first thing you do when you get home from a trip?- sleep

Would you rather spend five days exploring Disney or New York City?- disney since i live near nyc and hate it

Whose parents do/did you wish you had?- what

If you could shop for free at one store, which one would you choose?- probably an electronics store

What personal trait has gotten you in the most trouble?- im kind of blunt without realizing it idk if thats a personality trait

Who is your favorite athlete?- who do you think

Would you rather be the most popular kid in school or the smartest kid in school?- i was close to the latter already

What do you like to do on a rainy day?- sleep

What is your favorite thing about the beach?- idk the beach makes me sad these days

If you could be anywhere else right now, where would it be?- asleep

What is your favorite Disney movie?- lilo and stitch

If someone made a movie of your life would it be a drama, a comedy, a romantic-comedy, action film, or science fiction?- dark comedy 

Name a product or service you love so much that you’d happily be that company’s spokesperson.- probably none

If you were guaranteed to be successful in a different profession, what would you want to do?- i wish i knew

What’s the worst thing you did as a kid?- something i deeply regret

What is your favorite day of the week?- thursday

Which super power would you like to have and why?- shape shifting

3, If you were a bicycle, what part would you be?- the brakes

4If you were a t-shirt, what colour would you be and why?- black

[themoneybuff-blog]

How Journaling Practices Have Helped My Financial Situation

Ive mentioned often on The Simple Dollar how journaling is a daily practice for me and has been off and on (but mostly on) since middle school in various forms. At times, its taken the form of simply cataloguing my day; at other times, Ive written in response to various prompts; today, its completely different (and Ill write about that in a bit). In any case, writing in my journal simply put, getting thoughts out of my head down on paper is something that is a daily part of my life. Why have I kept up with it for so long? How has it helped me in any way thats made it worth the time investment? And what does that practice look like? Thats what I want to share today. Lets start with the why. The Benefits of Journaling, Financial and Otherwise I keep up with a daily journaling practice for a lot of reasons. First of all, it feels like a mental relief to do it because it quiets the monologue in my head. Along with meditation, its one of the two most effective routine things Ive found in my life for getting the constantly chattering voice in my head to quiet down a little. That voice is constantly going over things I need to do, things Im thinking about or worried about, my upcoming plans, some problem Im interested in, and all kinds of other stray thoughts. That constant stream of thought is distracting. I find that dumping some of that stream of thought down on paper quiets that distracting voice pretty well, at least for a while. Ive found that one big burst of writing in my journal at the start of the day coupled with having a pocket notebook on me at all times to jot down other stray thoughts throughout the day keeps that voice a lot quieter and a lot less distracting. Second, I use it to work through challenging problems in my life that Im not quite sure how to solve. When I observe something I dont like in my life, my mind often worries on that problem without ever really coming to a good conclusion on it. Ill think about that problem over and over, but at best my idle thoughts will come up with really half-baked solutions. When I sit down and journal and dump that problem out on paper, I find that I almost always work toward an actual good solution to the problem (or problems) in my head. By writing out the problem as I see it, I usually get some better insight into whats really going on, and then as I write down that insight, more pop up, and eventually I lead myself to the real source of the problem and perhaps a start down the path to a good solution. This applies very well to personal finance. For example, it was writing in my journal that really helped me piece together that something was wrong with my financial life and gradually led me to the decision to make some major changes. It has helped me figure out what things in my life were frivolous expenses and which ones were not. It has helped me to identify situations where I was spending money nonsensically as an emotional response to some other situation in my life. Third, its helped me to understand complex ideas by taking a bunch of swirling bits and pieces Ive learned recently and didnt fully understand and combine them into something meaningful and comprehensible and useful. Many of my journal entries have originated from my thinking about something I read recently or experienced recently that I didnt quite understand, and by simply spelling it all out piece by piece, the idea came together for me. I used to do this a lot when I was in college, but I still do it quite frequently when Im reading something or when Ive had a difficult interaction with someone. For example, it was this practice that really helped me to understand investing and how index funds work and helped me decide that I should put as much of our investment money as possible into index funds. The ideas made sense on their own, but it was assembling the ideas and relating them to our own situation, which I did over a bunch of journaling sessions, that locked our retirement planning into place. I did the same thing when we were shopping for a home. Many of my entries during the months in which we were house shopping were oriented around figuring out how the house buying process worked, how mortgages worked, and so on. This actually leads well into my next point. Journaling has helped me come to a firm conclusion when there were a lot of options on the table. Often, decision making comes down to being able to filter through a lot of options, figure out which elements matter the most, and choose from those options based on that. Journaling has helped me with every piece of that process for many different major decisions in my life. As I noted earlier, journaling was essential in our home buying process. I wrote down extensive thoughts on each home we visited, the relative merits and drawbacks of each, and what each would look like financially. My journaling process helped Sarah and I choose a home that we could afford that met our needs, a home we still live in. Its helped me decide between investment options. Its helped me make career choices when I had several options on the table at a few points in my life. Simply writing through each of the options, figuring out what was good and bad about each one, and then coming to a clear decision not only helped me make a great decision at each of those crossroads, it also helped clear my head of constant worrying and constant thoughts on the subject. So, how exactly do I do this? What does my journaling practice look like? My Own Journaling Practice Ive used a number of practices over the years, but the one Ive used for the last few years, with a few tweaks, has been a small variation on the three morning pages journaling practice first popularized by Julia Cameron. In Camerons original practice, she simply suggested that a person sit down with a blank journal and start writing, filling up three pages in a journal with their writing before stopping for the day. Write about whatevers on your mind if its on your mind, just write it down, no matter how inane or pointless it seems. It gets that thought out of your head and makes space for whatevers next. Some days, everything is inane, and thats fine. Other days, youre working through some very difficult things, and thats fine, too. The goal is to empty that junk out of your head so you can get clean start to your day. I tried doing this exact thing for a while, but I ran into a number of small problems with it. The biggest one was that my handwriting is small and the pages in my journal are big. I tend to journal by writing in block capital letters it just feels the most comfortable to me and the writing is pretty small. Most of my journals are either full size pages or close to it. Thus, it can take a long time to simply fill up a page with words, even if Im writing as fast as I can. So, I modified the practice to what I call 45 morning minutes. I just set a timer for 45 minutes, sit down with my journal, open to the next blank page (or partial page), and start writing. When the timer goes off, I keep going until theres a clear break in thought and then I write a big double line across the page indicating the end of the day, and Im done. Journaling with a strict time limit keeps it within a reasonable time frame for me and makes it easy to schedule. Obviously, I do this in the morning, usually before anyone else is awake. I find that doing this early in the day is really effective at quieting down that internal monologue that distracts me with chatter and ideas throughout the day. Id rather have it quiet in the mornings and afternoons so that I can get focused work done. So, thats another big part of the equation for me: journaling in the morning quiets my internal monologue so that I can focus better during the work day. After I finish, I usually read back through my entry over the course of a few minutes, mostly to extract things that I need to get done in the near future. Are there any actionable items that I thought about or generated during that journaling? If so, I move them to my to-do list manager or to my calendar so I can find them later on in the day when Im actually doing stuff. Again, another key point: journaling often generates specific actions I need to work on or things I need to take care of, so I transfer those out to a to-do list. After that, I just close my journal and go about my day. There are a few obvious questions that come about from that description, so let me address them right now. I read old entries, but nothing older than a few months. After four or five months, the old entries start to read like they were written by another person living another life. Its familiar in the way that a distant memory is familiar, but it doesnt feel like me any more. When journal entries reach that point, then there isnt really any value to them any more, at least not for me. The method of journaling I use is not really a record of what I did each day, so once the entries arent fresh, I dont find any personal value in them. Ive changed enough as a person that the situations and solutions I wrote about in old journals no longer apply specifically to new situations. I havent actively read journal entries more than a few months old in a long time, and every time I happen to see one, I really dont care to read it. There are a few reasons for this, but most of it boils down to the fact that my journals reflect my active thinking at that moment, but when that moment fades away, theres not much value there. Its not a record of my life, but an outpouring of my current thought. There are some specific reasons, too. I am often deeply critical of myself, something that doesnt need to be re-read and dwelled upon. I sometimes tear myself to shreds when Im writing a journal entry. Im extremely critical of my flaws and mistakes, and while that can be good in the moment when Im assessing a situation or setting out a goal, it doesnt do me any good to read it later or for someone else to read it. I am sometimes honestly critical of my children in a way that I wouldnt want them to read; I do this not to be cruel, but to figure out how to be a good parent to them. It does not make me a good parent to pretend that my children are perfect and flawless. Rather, one of the best things I can do as a parent is to honestly assess their good features and their flaws and take those into account when I figure out how to communicate well with them and guide them toward good decision making practices, life ambitions, and things of that nature. For example, I might write down that one of my children is extremely conscientious of others but is sometimes excessively boastful, or I might write that another child is richly thoughtful but very quick to frustration and anger. (Obviously, these arent actual observations and are quite sanitized to boot, just examples so you understand what I mean.) Those arent thoughts that I want them to read, or anyone else to read. The same is true for my wife and my role as a husband and, occasionally, some of my friends and my role as their friend. I do similar evaluations of my wife at times. In what ways is she amazing? In what ways can I complement her with my strengths? In what ways does she complement my own weaknesses? How can I help out in areas where shes not as strong? Im sure shes glad that I think about such things and consider how to be a better husband, but I dont think even she would want to actually read such thoughts. The same thing is true if I assess a friend, particularly if theyre asking me for some life advice. I want to give the best advice I can to them, and that sometimes means being critical, and sometimes those words find their way into my journals. Thus, I dont save old journals, at least not anything older than my most recent one. I keep my current journal and my previous one in a secure place where they cant easily be found. My current journal is easy for me to grab in the mornings, but its not in a place where it would likely be found. When my current journal is full, I destroy the previous journal after I read through it again. For a while, I was keeping digital copies of my old journals, but I found that I was never looking at them, didnt really want to ever look at them, and didnt want anyone else to find them, so I stopped doing this. The downside to others finding those thoughts was worth more than the upside of any potential limited use I might have for them in the future. The policy of destroying the journals and keeping the current one secure lets me be more unguarded with my journaling. Given that I know my journals wont be around for posterity, I feel more comfortable just letting my thoughts fly on the page. I dont worry about who might read them or how they might appear for posterity. At worst, the most recent journal or two might be found, and that doesnt worry me too much. I usually start off each journal with a note saying that this is a collection of my unguarded thoughts as I worked through personal decisions and I would appreciate that the journal would be destroyed upon discovery if I were to pass. I vastly prefer handwritten journaling, but I may switch to using a stylus and writing on a table in the future as those technologies improve; writing by hand provides a clarity of thought that typing doesnt quite provide for me. For me, typing is conducive to rapidly recording ideas, but the process doesnt allow me any space to think about them. If I want to explore my thoughts, consider things, and actually remember them, I write things out by hand. This is true for journaling, but its also true for taking notes at meetings, taking notes when Im reading, taking notes during a lecture, and so on. I write all of those notes by hand and, if theres potential value that I might get out of them later, I convert them to digital format. I feel like taking notes with an Apple Pencil on an iPad is 90% of the way to where I want a stylus to be, but its not all the way there yet. When its perfect, writing thoughts down on a tablet using a stylus will be the best way to journal and take notes because it offers the advantages of both writing by hand and digital notes, but for now, its not quite there yet, and given a choice between the two, the thoughtfulness and retention of writing by hand outweighs typing out journal entries for me. I use Leuchtturm 1917 journals and either Uniball Signo 207, Pilot G2, or Pilot Juice pens. The journal isnt a requirement Ive used all kinds of different things over the years but I really like the size and the binding and paper quality of that specific journal. One of those usually lasts about two and a half months for my journaling purposes. As for the pens, I really only have three requirements for a pen: it needs to write when I want it without a lot of futzing around, it needs to have a thin line and not bleed all over the page or make a mess, and it needs to not leak in my pocket. The pens listed up there pass those tests with flying colors. I can get weeks and weeks out of writing with just one of them and it costs less than a dollar, which is good enough for me. Id rather spend $0.75 on a pen that will write for weeks without fail and not make a mess or leak than a $0.25 pen or a freebie that will need a bunch of waving around or tinkering when I want it to write, leave a ton of messy ink on the page, and inevitably leave a big blotch of ink on the paper or in my pocket. Final Thoughts Spending some time each day journaling simply writing my thoughts down on paper not only helps me piece through the problems in my life and ideas in my head, it also helps clear my mind and make it easier to focus on the tasks of the day because it quiets the voice in my head that would otherwise keep running through those problems and ideas. It has helped me not only figure out a bunch of financial and professional problems, its also helped keep my mind focused when actually doing work to earn an income. I find that my 45 morning minutes practice works extremely well for me, but there are many practices out there that range from simply listing the events of the day, writing what youre grateful for, brainstorming, and many other things. I highly recommend trying several practices until you find one that works well for you and then stick with it for a while. You might just find that it becomes an essential part of your life toolbox. Good luck! https://www.thesimpledollar.com/how-journaling-practices-have-helped-my-financial-situation/

[ciathyzareposts]

The Last Works Before the Renaissance

By 1993, textual interactive fiction was reaching the fag end of the unsettled, uncertain half-decade-and-change between the shuttering of Infocom and the rise of a new Internet-centered community of amateur enthusiasts. Efforts by such collectives as Adventions and High Energy Software to sell text adventures via the shareware model had largely proved unfruitful, while, with the World Wide Web still in its infancy, advertisement and distribution were major problems even for someone willing to release her games for free. The ethos of text and parsers seemed about as divorced as anything could possibly be from the predominant ethos in game development more generally, with its focus on multimedia, full-motion video, and ultra-accessible mouse-driven interfaces. Would text adventures soon be no more than obscure relics of a more primitive past? To an increasing number even of the form’s most stalwart fans, an answer in the affirmative was starting to feel like a foregone conclusion. Few text-adventure authors had serious ambitions of matching the technical or literary quality of Infocom during this period, much less of exceeding it; the issue for the medium right now was one of simple survival. In this atmosphere, the arrival of any new text adventure felt like a victory against the implacable forces of technological change, which had conspired to all but strangle this new literary form before it had even had time to get going properly.

Thankfully, history would later mark 1993 as the year when the seeds of an interactive-fiction rebirth were planted, thanks to an Englishman who repurposed not only the Infocom aesthetic but also Infocom’s own technology in unexpected ways. Those seeds would flower richly in 1995, Year Zero of the Interactive Fiction Renaissance. I’ll begin that story soon.

Today, though, I’d like to tell you about some of the more interesting games to emerge from the final days of the interstitial period — games which actually overlap, although no one could realize it at the time, with the dawning of the modern interactive-fiction community. Indeed, the games I describe below manage to presage some of the themes of that community despite being the products of a text-adventuring culture that still spent more time looking backward than looking forward. I’m fond of all of them in one way or another, and I’m willing to describe at least one of them as a sadly overlooked classic.

The Horror of Rylvania

The hiking trip across Europe has been a wonderful experience for two recent college graduates like yourself and your friend Carolyn. From the mansions of England to the beaches of Greece, you’ve walked in the footsteps of the Crusaders and seen sights that few Americans have ever seen.

Carolyn had wanted to skip the Central European nation of Rylvania. “Why bother?” she’d said. “There’s nothing but farmers there, and creepy old castles - nothing we haven’t seen already. The Rylvanians are still living in the last century.”

That, you’d insisted, was exactly why Rylvania was a must-see. The country was an intact piece of living history, a real treasure in this modern age. If only you hadn’t insisted! As night fell, as you approached a small farming village in search of a quaint inn to spend the night, the howling began. A scant hundred yards from the village, and it happened...the wolves appeared from the black forest around you and attacked. Big, black wolves that leaped for Carolyn’s throat before you could shout a warning, led by a great gray-black animal that easily stood four feet at the shoulder. Carolyn fell to the rocky path, blood gushing from her neck as the wolves faded back into the trees, unwilling, for some unknown reason, to press their attack.

If she dies, it will be your fault. You curse the darkening sky as you cradle Carolyn’s head, knowing that you have little time to find help. Perhaps in the village up the road to the north.

The Horror of Rylvania marks the last shareware release from Adventions, a partnership between the MIT graduate students Dave Baggett and D.A. Leary which was the most sustained of all efforts to make a real business out of selling interactive fiction during the interstitial period. Doubtless for this reason, the Adventions games are among the most polished of all the text adventures made during this time. They were programmed using the sophisticated TADS development system rather than the more ramshackle AGT, with all the benefits that accrued to such a choice. And, just as importantly, they were thoroughly gone over for bugs as well as spelling and grammar problems, and are free of the gawky authorial asides and fourth-wall-breakings that were once par for the course in amateur interactive fiction.

For all that, though, the Adventions games haven’t aged all that well in my eyes. The bulk of them take place in a fantasy land known as Unnkulia, which is trying so hard to ape Zork‘s Great Underground Empire that it’s almost painful to watch. In addition to being derivative, the Unnkulia games think they’re far more clever and hilarious than they actually are — the very name of the series/world is a fine case in point — while the overly fiddly gameplay can sometimes grate almost as much as the writing.

It thus made for a welcome change when Adventions, after making three and a half Unnkulia games, finally decided to try something else. Written by D.A. Leary, The Horror of Rylvania is more plot-driven than Adventions’s earlier games, a Gothic vampire tale in which you actually become a vampire not many turns in. It’s gone down in certain circles as a minor classic, for reasons that aren’t totally unfounded. Although the game has a few more potential walking-dead scenarios than is perhaps ideal, the puzzles are otherwise well-constructed, the implementation is fairly robust, and, best of all, most of the sophomoric attempts at humor that so marked Adventions’s previous games are blessedly absent.

That said, the end result still strikes me more as a work of craftsmanship than genius. The writing has been gone over for spelling and grammar without addressing some of its more deep-rooted problems, as shown even by the brief introduction above; really, now, have “few Americans ever seen” sights advertised in every bog-standard package tour of Europe? (Something tells me Leary hadn’t traveled much at the time he wrote this game.) The writing here has some of the same problems with tone as another Gothic horror game from 1993 set in an ersatz Romania: Quest for Glory IV. It wants to play the horror straight most of the time, and is sometimes quite effective at it — the scene of your transformation from man to vampire is particularly well-done — but just as often fails to resist the centrifugal pull which comedy has on the adventure-game genre.

Still, Horror of Rylvania is the Adventions game which plays best today, and it isn’t a bad choice for anyone looking for a medium-sized old-school romp with reasonably fair puzzles. Its theme adds to its interest; horror in interactive fiction tends to hew more to either H.P. Lovecraft or zombie movies than the Gothic archetypes which Horror of Rylvania intermittently manages to nail. Another extra dimension of interest is added by the ending, which comes down to a binary choice between curing your friend Carolyn from the curse of vampirism, which entails sacrificing yourself in the process, or curing yourself and letting Carolyn sod off. As we’ll shortly see, the next and last Adventions game perhaps clarifies some of the reasons for such a moral choice’s inclusion at the end of a game whose literary ambitions otherwise don’t seem to extend much beyond being a bit of creepy fun.

The Jeweled Arena

You let out a sigh of relief as you finish the last paper. “That’s the lot.”

“Good work, ma’am,” says Regalo, your squire. “I was almost afraid we’d be here until midnight.”

“Don’t worry, Regalo, I wouldn’t do a thing like that, especially on my first healthy day after the flu. In any case, Dora wants me home by eight. The papers look dry, so you can take them to Clara’s office.”

As Regalo carries the papers to the adjoining office, you stand up and stretch your aching muscles. You then look through the window and see a flash of lightning outside. It looks like quite a storm is brewing. “I’m beginning to think my calendar is set wrong,” you say as Regalo returns. “Dibre’s supposed to be cool, dry, and full of good cheer; so far, we’ve had summer heat, constant rain, and far too many death certificates. Perhaps this storm will blow out the heat.” “I hope it blows out the plague with it, ma’am. I’ve lost three friends already, and my wife just picked it up yesterday. No one likes it when the coroner’s staff is overworked.”

“It doesn’t help that Clara and Resa are both still sick. If we’re lucky, we’ll have Resa back tomorrow, which I’m sure your feet would appreciate. I presume Ernando and Miranda have already left for the day?” “Yes ma’am.”

“Now I’m really worried. The only thing worse than being the victim of one of Miranda’s pranks is going a day without one of her pranks -– it usually means you missed something. Perhaps she decided to be discrete [sic] for a change.”

“I didn’t get the impression her sense of humor was taking the day off, but I don’t know what she did. It can wait until tomorrow. Is there anything else you need me to do before I leave?”

Written by David S. Raley, The Jeweled Arena was the co-winner of what would turn out to be the last of the annual competitions organized by AGT’s steward, David M. Malmberg, before he released the programming language as freeware and stepped away from further involvement with the interactive-fiction community. Set in a fantasy world, but a thankfully non-Zorkian and non-Tolkienesque one, it’s both an impressive piece of world-building and a game of unusual narrative ambition for its time.

In fact, the world of Valdalan seems like it must have existed in the author’s head for a long time before this game was written. The environment around you has the feeling of being rooted in far more lore and history than is explicitly foregrounded in the text, always the mark of first-class world-building. As far as I can tell from the text, Valdalan is roughly 17th-century in terms of its science and technology, but is considerably more enlightened philosophically. Interestingly, magic seems to have no place here, making it almost more of an alternative reality than a conventional fantasy milieu.

The story takes place in the city of Kumeran as it’s in the throes of a plague — a threat which is, like so much else in this game, handled with more subtlety than you might expect. The plot plays out in four chapters, during each of which you play the role of a different character. The first chapter is worthy of becoming a footnote in interactive-fiction history at the very least, in that it casts you as one half of a lesbian couple. In later years, certain strands of interactive fiction — albeit more of the hypertext than the parser-driven type — would become a hotbed of advocacy for non- hetero-normative lifestyles. The Jeweled Arena has perhaps aged better in this respect than many of those works have (or will); it presents its lesbian protagonist in a refreshingly matter-of-fact way, neither turning her into an easy villain or victim, as an earlier game might have done, nor celebrating her as a rainbow-flag-waving heroine, as a later game might have done. She’s just a person; the game takes it as a given that she’s worthy of exactly the same level of respect as any of the rest of us. In 1993, this matter-of-fact attitude toward homosexuality was still fairly unusual. Raley deserves praise for it.

Unfortunately, The Jeweled Arena succeeds better as a place and a story than it does as a game, enough so that one is tempted to ask why Raley elected to present it in the form of a text adventure at all. He struggles to come up with things for you to really do as you wander the city. This tends to be a problem with a lot of interactive fiction where the puzzles aren’t the author’s primary focus; A Mind Forever Voyaging struggles to some extent with the same issue when it sends you wandering through its own virtual city. But The Jeweled Arena, which doesn’t have a mechanic like A Mind Forever Voyaging‘s commandment to observe and record to ease its way, comes off by far the worse of the two. Most of the tasks it sets before you are made difficult not out of  authorial intention but due to poor authorial prompting and the inherent limitations of AGT. In other words, first you have to figure out what non-obvious trigger the game is looking for to advance the plot a beat, and then you have to figure out the exact way the parser wants you to say it. This constant necessity to read the author’s mind winds up spoiling what could have been an enjoyable experience, and makes The Jeweled Arena a game that can truly be recommended only to those with an abiding interest in text-adventure history or the portrayal of homosexuality in interactive media. A pity — with more testing and better technology, it could have been a remarkable achievement.

Klaustrophobia

You are standing at the top of an ocean bluff. Wind is whipping through your hair and blowing your voluminous black cape out behind you. You can hear the hiss of the surf crashing far below you. Out towards the horizon, a distant storm sends flickers of lightning across the darkening sky. The last rays of the setting sun reflect red off the windows of the grey stone mansion to the East. As you turn towards the house, you catch a glimpse of a haunting face in one of the windows. That face, you will never forget that face......

> wait The surf and cliffs fade from sight............ You awake to find yourself in your living room,lying on the couch. Your cat, Klaus, is chewing and pulling on your hair. Static is hissing from the TV, as the screen flickers on a station long off the air. You look at your watch and realize that it is 3 AM. You must have fallen asleep on the couch right after you got home from work, and settled down to read the newspaper.

I noted earlier that the Adventions games are “free of the gawky authorial asides and fourth-wall-breakings” that mark most early amateur interactive fiction. That statement applies equally to The Jeweled Arena, but not at all to Carol Hovick’s Klaustrophobia. The other winner of the final AGT competition, its personality could hardly be more different from its partner on the podium. This is a big, rambling, jokey game that’s anything but polished. And yet it’s got an unpretentious charm about it, along with puzzles that turn out to be better than they first seem like they’re going to be.

What Klaustrophobia lacks in polish or literary sophistication, it attempts to make up for in sheer sprawl. It’s actually three games in one — so big that, even using the most advanced and least size-constrained version of AGT, Hovick was forced to split it into three parts, gluing them together with some ingenious hacks that are doubtless horrifying in that indelible AGT way to any experienced programmer. The three parts together boast a staggering 560 rooms and 571 objects, making Klaustrophobia easily one of the largest text adventures ever created.

Like the Unnkulia series and so much else from the interstitial period, Klaustrophobia is hugely derivative of the games of the 1980s. The story and puzzles here draw heavily from Infocom’s Bureaucracy, which is at least a more interesting choice than yet another Zork homage. You’ve just won an all-expenses-paid trip to appear on a quiz show, but first you have to get there; this exercise comes to absorb the first third of the game. Then, after you’ve made the rounds of not one but several quiz shows in the second part, part three sends you off to “enjoy” the Mexican vacation you’ve won. As a member of that category of text adventure which the Interactive Fiction Database dubs the “slice of life,” the game has that time-capsule quality I’ve mentioned before as being such a fascinating aspect of amateur interactive fiction. Klaustrophobia is a grab bag of pop-culture ephemera from the United States of 1993: Willard Scott, Dolly Parton, The Price is Right. If you lived through this time and place, you might just find it all unbearably nostalgic. (Why do earlier eras of history almost invariably seem so much happier and simpler?) And if you didn’t… well, there are worse ways to learn about everyday American life in 1993, should you have the desire to do so, than playing through this unforced, agenda-less primary source.

The puzzles are difficult in all the typical old-school ways: full of time limits, requiring ample learning by death. Almost inevitably given the game’s premise, they sometimes fail to fall on the right side of the line between being comically aggravating and just being aggravating. And the game is rough around the edges in all the typical AGT ways: under-tested (a game this large almost has to be) and haphazardly written, and subject to all the usual frustrations of the AGT parser and world model. Yet, despite it all, the author’s design instincts are pretty good; most of the puzzles are clued if you’re paying attention. Many of them involve coming to understand and manipulate some surprisingly complex dynamic sequences taking place around you. The whole experience is helped immensely by the episodic structure which exists even within each of the three parts: you go from your home to the bank to the airport, etc., with each vignette effectively serving as its own little self-contained adventure game. This structure lets Klaustrophobia avoid the combinatorial explosion that can make such earlier text-adventure epics as Acheton and Zork Zero all but insoluble. Here, you can work out a single episode, then move on to the next at your leisure with a nice sense of achievement in your back pocket — as long, of course, as you haven’t left anything vital behind.

Klaustrophobia is a game that I regard with perhaps more affection that I ought to, given its many and manifest flaws. While much of my affection may be down to the fact that it was one of the first games I played when I rediscovered interactive fiction around the turn of the millennium, I like to believe this game has more going for it than nostalgia. It undoubtedly requires a certain kind of player, but, whether taken simply as a text adventure or as an odd sort of sociological study — a frozen-in-amber relic of its time and place — it’s not without its intrinsic appeal. Further, it strikes me as perfect for its historical role as the final major statement made with AGT; something more atypically polished and literary, such as Shades of Gray or even Cosmoserve, just wouldn’t work as well in that context. Klaustrophobia‘s more messy sort of charm, on the other hand, feels like the perfect capstone to this forgotten culture of text adventuring, whose games were more casual but perhaps in some ways more honest because of it.

The Legend Lives! A pattern of bits shifts inside your computer. New information scrolls up the screen. It is not good.

As the impact of the discovery settles on your psyche, you recall the preceding events: your recent enrollment at Akmi Yooniversity; your serendipitous discovery of the joys of Classical Literature �� a nice change of pace from computer hacking; your compuarchaeological discovery of the long-forgotten treasures that will make your thesis one of the most important this decade. But now that’s all a bit moot, isn’t it?

How ironic: You were stunned at how *real* the primitive Unnkulian stories seemed. Now you know why.

David Baggett’s The Legend Lives! is the only game on this curated list that dates from 1994, the particularly fallow year just before the great flowering of 1995. The very last production of the Adventions partnership, it was originally planned as another shareware title, but was ultimately released for free, a response to the relatively tepid registration rate of Advention’s previous games. Having conceived it as nothing less than a Major Statement meant to prod the artistic growth of a nascent literary medium, Baggett stated that he wished absolutely everyone to have a chance to play his latest game.

Ironically, the slightly uncomfortable amalgamation that is The Legend Lives! feels every bit as of-its-time today as any of the less artistically ambitious text adventures I’ve already discussed in this article. Set in the far future of Adventions’s Unnkulia universe, it reads like a checklist of what “literary” interactive fiction circa 1994 might be imagined to require.

There must, first and foremost, be lots and lots of words for something to be literary, right? Baggett has this covered… oh, boy, does he ever. The first room description, for the humble dorm room of the university student you play, consists of six substantial paragraphs — two or three screenfuls of text on the typical 80-column monitor displays of the day. As you continue to play, every object mentioned anywhere, no matter how trivial, continues to be described to within an inch of its life. While Baggett’s dedication is admirable, these endless heaps of verbiage do more to confuse than edify, especially in light of the fact that this game is, despite its literary aspirations, far from puzzleless. There’s a deft art to directing the player’s attention to the things that really matter in a text adventure — an art which this game comprehensively fails to exhibit. And then there are the massive non-interactive text dumps, sometimes numbering in the thousands of words, which are constantly interrupting proceedings. Sean Molley, reviewing the game in the first gush of enthusiasm which accompanied its release, wrote that “I certainly don’t mind reading 10 screens of text if it helps to advance the story and give me something to think about.” I suspect that most modern players wouldn’t entirely agree. The Legend Lives! is exhausting enough in its sheer verbosity to make you long for the odd minimalist poetry of Scott Adams. “Ok, too dry. Fish die” starts looking pretty good after spending some time with this game.

And yet, clumsy and overwrought though the execution often is, there is a real message here — one I would even go so far as to describe as thought-provoking. The Legend Lives! proves to be an old-school cyberpunk tale — another thing dating it indelibly to 1994 — about a computer virus that has infected Unnkulia’s version of the Internet and threatens to take over the entirety of civilization. The hero that emerges and finally sacrifices himself to eliminate the scourge is known mostly by his initials: “JC.” He’s allegedly an artificial intelligence, but he’s really, it would seem, an immaculate creation, a divinity living in the net. An ordinary artificial intelligence, says one character, “is smart with no motivation, no goals; no creativity, ya see. JC, he’s like us.” What we have here, folks, is an allegory. I trust that I need not belabor the specific parallels with another famous figure who shares the same initials.

But I don’t wish to trivialize the message here too much. It’s notable that this argument for a non-reductionist view of human intelligence — for a divine spark to the human mind that can’t be simulated in silicon — was made by a graduate student in MIT’s artificial-intelligence lab, working in the very house built by Marvin Minsky and his society of mind. Whatever one’s feelings about the Christian overtones to Baggett’s message, his impassioned plea that we continue to allow a place for the ineffable has only become more relevant in our current age of algorithmization and quantization.

Like all of the Adventions games, this one has been virtually forgotten today, despite being widely heralded upon its release as the most significant work of literary interactive fiction to come along since A Mind Forever Voyaging and Trinity. That’s a shame. Yes, writers of later text adventures would learn to combine interactivity with literary texture in more subtle and effective ways, but The Legend Lives! is nevertheless a significant way station in the slow evolution of post-Infocom interactive fiction, away from merely reflecting the glory of a storied commercial past and toward becoming a living, evolving artistic movement in its own right.

Perdition’s Flames *** You have died. ***

All is dark and quiet. There is no sensation, no time. Your mind floats peacefully in a void. You perceive nothing, you feel nothing, you think nothing. Sleep without dreams.

All is hazy and gray. Sensation is vague and indistinct. Your mind is sluggish, sleepy. You see gray shapes in a gray fog; you hear distant, muffled sounds. You think, but your thoughts are fleeting, disconnected, momentary flashes of light in a dark night. Time is still frames separated by eons of nothing, brief awakenings in a long sleep.

All is clear and sharp. Sensation crystalizes from a fog. You see, you hear, you feel. Your mind awakens; you become aware of a place, and a time.

You are on a boat.

Last but far from least, we come to the real jewel of this collection, a game which I can heartily recommend to everyone who enjoys text adventures. Perdition’s Flames was the third game written by Mike Roberts, the creator of the TADS programming language. While not enormous in the way of Klaustrophobia, it’s more than substantial enough in its own right, offering quite a few hours of puzzling satisfaction.

The novel premise casts you as a soul newly arrived in Hell. (Yes, just as you might expect, there are exactly 666 points to score.) Luckily for you, however, this is a corporate, postmodern version of the Bad Place. “Ever since the deregulation of the afterlife industry,” says your greeter when you climb off the boat, “we’ve had to compete with Heaven for eternal souls — because you’re free to switch to Heaven at any time. So, we’ve been modernizing! There really isn’t much eternal torment these days, for example. And, thanks to the Environmental Clean-up Superfund, we have the brimstone problem mostly under control at this point.”

As the game continues, there’s a lot more light satire along those lines, consistently amusing if not side-splittingly funny. Your goal is to make the ascent to Heaven, which isn’t quite as easy as your greeter implies. Achieving it will require solving lots and lots of puzzles, which are varied, fair, and uniformly enjoyable. In fact, I number at least one of them among the best puzzles I’ve ever seen. (For those who have already played the game: that would be the one where you’re a ghost being pursued by a group of paranormal researchers.)

Although Perdition’s Flames is an old-school puzzlefest in terms of categorization, it’s well-nigh breathtakingly progressive in terms of its design sensibility. For this happens to be a text adventure — the first text adventure ever, to my knowledge — which makes it literally impossible for you to kill yourself (after all, you are already dead) or lock yourself out of victory. It is, in other words, the Secret of Monkey Island of interactive fiction, an extended proof that adventure games without deaths or dead ends can nevertheless be intriguing, challenging, and immensely enjoyable. Roberts says it right there in black and white:

Note that in Perdition’s Flames, in contrast to many other adventure games, your character never gets killed, and equally importantly, you’ll never find yourself in a position where it’s impossible to finish the game. You have already seen the only “*** You have died ***” message in Perdition’s Flames. As a result, you don’t have to worry as much about saving game positions as you may be accustomed to.

I can’t emphasize enough what an astonishing statement that is to find in a text adventure from 1993. Perdition’s Flames and its author deserve to be celebrated for making it every bit as much as we celebrate Monkey Island and Ron Gilbert.

Yet even in its day Perdition’s Flames was oddly overlooked in proportion to its size, polish, and puzzly invention alone, much less the major leap it represents toward an era of fairer, saner text adventures. And this even as the merciful spirit behind the humble statement above, found buried near the end of the in-game instructions, was destined to have much more impact on the quality of the average player’s life than all of the literary pretensions which The Legend Lives! so gleefully trumpets.

Roberts’s game was overshadowed most of all by what would go down in history as the text adventure of 1993: Graham Nelson’s Curses!. Said game is erudite, intricate, witty, and sometimes beautifully written — and runs on Infocom’s old Z-Machine, which constituted no small part of its appeal in 1993. But it’s also positively riddled with the types of sudden deaths and dead ends which Perdition’s Flames explicitly eschews. You can probably guess which of the pair holds up better for most players today.

So, as we prepare to dive into the story of how Curses! came to be, and of how it turned into the seismic event which revitalized the near-moribund medium of interactive fiction and set it on the path it still travels today, do spare a thought for Perdition’s Flames as well. While Curses! was the the first mover that kicked the modern interactive-fiction community into gear, Perdition’s Flames, one might argue, is simply the first work of modern interactive fiction, full stop. All of its contemporaries, Curses! included, seem regressive next to its great stroke of genius. Go forth and play it, and rejoice. An Interactive Fiction Renaissance is in the offing.

(All of the games reviewed in this article are freely available via the individual links provided above and playable on Windows, Macintosh, and Linux using the Gargoyle interpreter among other options.)

source http://reposts.ciathyza.com/the-last-works-before-the-renaissance/

[themoneybuff-blog]

An index to every money book I've reviewed during the past twelve years

147 Shares I read a lot of money books. As a result, a large section of my large library is devoted to books about personal finance. (And if I hadn't purged hundreds of money books when I sold this site in 2009, I'd have even more books and no place to put them.) Last week, a GRS reader named Lindsay dropped a line with an interesting question: I'm really enjoying your work back at GRS, the email newsletter, and your most recent FB live video! I'm wondering: Do you have a list of all the money books you've reviewed? I've been poking around to try and find one)? As it happens, I've been wanting a list of reviews myself. I know I have a million billion different projects around here, but one that I'd like to pursue is a free nicely-formatted PDF download that compiles every review I've written. To answer Lindsay's question and to satisfy my own curiosity I sifted through the GRS archives yesterday to compile a list of every money book I've reviewed during my 12+ years at this site. In this post, I've linked to those reviews, plus I've included a short summary of each book. Note: I'm certain that about half of the reviews are missing from the archives. The folks who purchased this site from me unpublished hundreds of articles (including many book reviews, apparently) during the time they owned GRS. Those reviews still exist, and I'll eventually find them and list them here, but it's far too cumbersome to find them at the moment.

For each book below, I've included a link to Amazon. I've also assigned each a book a letter grade and, in some cases, a star . My letter grades might seem harsh. That's because I've tried to really think about these on a sort of curve, where the vast majority of books are average and only a few merit As or Fs. As a result, some important titles get average (or low) grades despite their contribution to the field. If I grade a book an A, I think it's excellent. It offers excellent advice with no real flaws.If I give a book a B, it's a good book with good advice, but something about it holds it back. Maybe it's poorly written or maybe it's off-base on a topic or two.If I give a grade of C, the book is average. That means it gives reasonable money advice in a typical way. There's nothing drastically wrong with the book, and it's worth reading.If I give a D grade, the book is flawed in some major way. It still has some value to it maybe a core concept that you can't find elsewhere but I'm hesitant to recommend this to average folks.If I give a book and F, I don't think it has any sort of value. I don't give many Fs because I think nearly every book has some nugget of wisdom in it. Note that all of my letter grades were assigned today. They're based on who I am and what I know now, not when I wrote the reviews. And they're based on how valuable the book's info will be to a modern reader. (Some money books that were awesome in 1978 haven't aged well because their advice is specific to that era.) When I've marked a book with a star , that indicates I believe regardless of my grade, the title should be considered part of a core personal-finance library. (I don't have a review of Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover here. If I did, it'd get a C or lower because the book's quality is mixed and it has certain drawbacks. But the book would also merit a star because it should be in any serious library of money books.) Ultimately, though, you shouldn't let the letter grades and stars guide your decision to read a book. Use my reviews instead. They're much more nuanced than an arbitrary grade. The grades are meant as a sort of quick reference. Finally, I've sorted the titles into roughly reverse-chronological order based on year of publication. I think most readers are interested in recent titles. (Because of my hiatus from money-blogging, there's a gap here between 2010 and 2016.) If, like me, you prefer older money books, you'll find them closer to the end of this list. That's enough explanation. Here then is a list of (nearly) all of the book reviews from the archives here at Get Rich Slowly!

Get Money by Kristin Wong (2018)Get Money is all about applying game-playing principles to money management. Most money books tend toward boring and stale. Not this one. Get Money is both funny and wise, packed with practical tips for how to play the game of money and win. It's a useful money manual from a favorite former GRS staff writer. [my review] BThinking in Bets: Making Smarter Decisions When You Don't Have All the Facts by Annie Duke (2018)For a long time, Ive argued that the best money books are often not about money at all. Thinking in Bets is an example of this. Duke says that there are exactly two things that determine how our lives turn out: The quality of our decisions and luck. She uses plenty of personal finance examples, but the book itself is about self-improvement. Its not specifically about personal finance, yet the info here could have a profound impact on your financial future. [my review] A-Meet the Frugalwoods: Achieving Financial Independence through Simple Living by Elizabeth Willard Thames (2018)Meet the Frugalwoods isnt a money manual. It isnt fiction. Its memoir. The book covers ten years in the lives of Liz and her husband Nate, from their post-college job-hunting experiences in Kansas to purchasing a 66-acre homestead in Vermont. Through their story, Liz shows readers its possible to move from a life of consumerism to a life built around frugality and purpose. My chief complaint? The Frugalwoods didn't achieve financial independence through frugality; they achieved it through a high income. [my review] CYou Need a Budget by Jesse Mecham (2017)You Need a Budget is a simple book, but its excellent. It doesnt try to throw the entire world of personal finance at you. Its laser-focused on one thing: building a better budget. Because Mecham has been reading and writing about budgets since 2004, hes learned a lot about what works and what doesnt. Hes constantly receiving feedback from the tens of thousands of people who follow his program. This book is a culmination of that experience, and it shows. If you need a budget, I highly recommend this book. [my review] A The Simple Path to Wealth by J.L. Collins (2016)The Simple Path to Wealth presents the advice from the author's blog in a coherent, unified package. Its an easy-to-understand primer on stock-market investing and financial independence. Although the book is intended to offer wide-ranging advice about the journey to financial freedom, I think its at its best when Collins covers retirement investing. [my review] B+ Early Retirement Extreme by Jacob Lund Fisker (2010)Imagine a personal-finance book written by a theoretical physicist. What would it be like? Full of formulas and figures, right? Well, thats what you get with Early Retirement Extreme. This feels like a book written by an engineer for other engineers. This isnt a bad thing, but it is unique. Some people will love it; others will hate it. Also, this book could use a professional editor. These caveats aside, ERE is packed with excellent information, and is one of the key books in the Financial Independence movement. [my review] B The Simple Dollar by Trent Hamm (2010)This book isnt really about personal finance. Theres personal finance in it, sure, but like Hamms blog, The Simple Dollar is about personal and professional transformation. This is a book about change. The information in the book is good, and its sure to be useful to many people, but the content is so jumbled that its difficult to see the Big Picture. [my review] C-Mind Over Money by Ted and Brad Klontz (2009)Mind Over Money wont teach you how to budget and it doesnt ever mention index funds. This isnt a book about the nuts-and-bolts of personal finance. Its a book about how we relate to money. The strength of the book isnt in the answers it provides, but in the questions it provokes. If you're looking for a book about the psychology of personal finance, this is worth reading. [my review] CEscape from Cubicle Nation by Pam Slim (2009)Escape from Cubicle Nation starts at the beginning of the entrepreneurial journey: deciding what to do with your life. Slim spends several chapters discussing how to get in touch with whats important to you. At times, this almost seems touchy-feely. Almost. Thankfully, the book packs in ton of practical info on how to start a successful small business that matches you and your lifestyle. [my review] B+The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin (2009)On paper, The Happiness Project may seem sort of lame. Rubin decided to spend one year consciously pursuing happiness. Each month, she tackled one specific aspect of life marriage, work, attitude, and so on and during that month, she attempted to meet a handful of related resolutions she hoped would make her happier. Fortunately, the book isnt lame. Rubins style is warm and engaging, and the material here is useful. [my review] BI Will Teach You to Be Rich by Ramit Sethi (2009)This book is great, but its not for everyone. First of all, its targeted almost exclusively at young adults. If youre under 25 and single, and if you make a decent living, this book is perfect. But if youre 45 and married with two children, and if you struggle to make ends meet, this book is less useful. That said, it's packed with solid advice, cites its sources, and provides scores of tactical tips for managing money. [my review] A- Spend Til the End by Scott Burns and Larry Kotlikoff (2008)Burns and Kotlikoff analyze dozens of hypothetical scenarios as they seek to discover which choices provide the greatest lifetime living standard per adult. Their aim is to find a way to balance today and tomorrow, to pursue what's known as consumption smoothing. Much of the books advice is geared toward those nearing retirement, but theres still plenty for readers of every age. [my review] C+Increase Your Financial IQ by Robert Kiyosaki (2008)The problem with the standard financial advice is that its bad advice. Youve been told to work hard, save money, get out of debt, live below your means, and invest in a well-diversified portfolio of mutual funds. But this advice is obsolete so argues Robert Kiyosaki in Increase Your Financial IQ. I'll be blunt: Kiyosaki is full of shit. I worry about his financial IQ. [my review] D-

The 4-Hour Workweek by Timothy Ferriss (2007)When I picked up The 4-Hour Workweek, I was worried it was some sort of get rich quick book. Ferriss makes a lot of bold promises, and some of the details along the way read like the confessions of an internet scammer. Ultimately, though, I found tons of value that I could apply to my own entrepreneurial ventures. In fact, this has become one of my most-bookmarked books of all time! An intelligent reader can easily extract a wealth of useful here, which is why it's become a modern classic. [my review] B- The Quiet Millionaire by Brett Wilder (2007)The Quiet Millionaire is different from most of the other money books I review. Though Wilder includes behavioral finance and life planning concepts, this is a numbers book. It's like a textbook for personal finance. It isnt really a book for beginners. Its targeted at folks who are out of debt and building wealth. I suspect many people will find this book boring. But then, smart personal finance is boring. [my review] BDebt Is Slavery by Michael Mihalik (2007)Debt is Slavery is a deceptively simple book. Its short. Its advice seems basic. And its self-published, so how good can it be? Well, I think its great. In fact, I found myself wishing that I had written it. Mihaliks advice is spot-on, and he covers a lot of topics that other authors shy away from, such as the effects of advertising, the weight of possessions, and the soul-sucking misery that comes from a bad job. This book may be short, but its sweet. Especially great for recent graduates, I think. [my review] B+Overcoming Underearning by Barbara Stanny (2007)Overcoming Underearning isn't what I expected it to be. When I read the title, I expected a book about how to stretch your dollars and how get more from what you do earn. This book is about asking for more, creating more, and working your way through the psychological pitfalls that lead to being satisfied with less in the first place. But the book contains few actionable steps that will help you make more money or invest well. If you need a how-to book, keep looking. If you need to get started, or are started, but have hit a wall and you dont know why, this might be the book for you. [my review] C-The Secret by Rhonda Byrne (2006)The Secret is all about the so-called Law of Attraction, which is not actually a law of anything. The Law of Attraction states that your life is a result of the things you think about. From a psychological perspective, this notion has some merit. But this book offers no evidence of any kind: no scientific discussion, no experimentation only scattered cherry-picked anecdotes. Its the worst kind of pseudo-scientific baloney. And its money advice is actively harmful rather than helpful. [my review] FThe Millionaire Maker by Loral Langmeier (2006)The Millionaire Maker attempts to codify Langemeiers proprietary Wealth Cycle Process. She believes there are better places to put your money than in mutual funds. This book is a mixed bag. While it preaches what ought to be preached, and Langemeier provides more specifics than some authors, her message sounds hollow. There is some good information here, but theres stuff that raises red flags, too. [my review] D+Work Less, Live More: The Way to Semi-Retirement by Bob Clyatt (2005)For years, Work Less, Live More has been my go-to book for info about early retirement. I give away copies several times a year. I recommend it when replying to email. I refer to it myself when I have questions. I like this book because it strikes a balance between the high-level Big Picture stuff and the low-level nitty-gritty numbers crunching. (See also: Bob Clyatt's guest post here at GRS about his life since writing the book.) [my review] A All Your Worth: The Ultimate Lifetime Money Plan by Elizabeth Warren and Amelia Tyagi (2005)This book was written by the mother-daughter team of Elizabeth Warren and Amelia Warren Tyagi. (Warren is now a U.S. Senator from Massachusetts!) The authors dont get bogged down in the details of frugality and investing. Theyre more interested in changing behavior, in fixing the big stuff. They offer a framework around which the reader can build lasting financial success. The book's advice is solid, if sometimes flawed. To me, its lasting legacy is the introduction of the Balanced Money Formula (which some now call the 50-30-20 budget), a concept I promote extensively in my public speaking gigs. [my review] B- Secrets of the Millionaire Mind: Mastering the Inner Game of Wealth by T. Harv Eker (2005)Many people would dismiss Secrets of the Millionaire Mind as useless. Theres not a lot of concrete information here about how to improve the details of your financial life. (Though the scant advice presented is sound). Instead, this book encourages readers to adopt mental attitudes that facilitate wealth. Its about changing your psychological approach to money, success, and happiness. (This book is the source of my money blueprint concept.) [my review] CMoney Without Matrimony: The Unmarried Couple's Guide to Financial Security by Sheryl Garrett and Debra Neiman (2005)As difficult as marriage and money can be, things are even tougher for unmarried couples, both gay and straight. Its difficult for these folks to get good advice in a society thats geared toward married couples. Money Without Matrimony is a great book with sound suggestions. Its non-judgmental, practical, and packed with advice. If youre in a committed unmarried relationship, I highly recommend you track down a copy. [my review] AThe Automatic Millionaire by David Bach (2005)David Bach is perhaps best known for coining the term the latte factor, a phrase that has almost become a joke in personal finance circles. Thats too bad, really, because Bach has some good ideas. And the latte factor is a marvelous concept, applicable to many people who casually spend their future a few dollars at a time. This book encourages readers to eliminate debt, to live frugally, and to pay themselves first. But the core of his book is unique: rather than develop will power and self-discipline, Bach says, why not bypass the human element altogether? Why not make your path to wealth automatic? [my review] C Luck Is No Accident: Making the Most of Happenstance in Your Life and Career by John D. Krumboltz and Al S. Levin (2004)Luck Is No Accident is a short book. Nothing in it is groundbreaking or revolutionary. Yet its common-sense wisdom is a powerful motivator. Whenever I read it, I cannot help but come away inspired, ready to make more of my situation, and to try new things. If youre the sort of person who wonders why good things only happen to other people, I encourage you to read it. [my review] B+The Random Walk Guide to Investing: Ten Rules for Financial Success by Burton Malkiel (2003)Malkiels advice can be stated in a few short sentences: Eliminate debt. Establish an emergency fund. Begin making regular investments to a diversified portfolio of index funds. Be patient. But the simplicity of his message does not detract from its value. If you want to invest but dont know where to start, pick up a copy of this book. [my review] A-

The Bountiful Container by Rose Marie Nichols McGee and Maggie Stuckey (2002)The Bountiful Container beats most gardening books hands-down in several key areas. It focuses on growing plants that give a beginning gardener the most bang for the buck, plants that are both edible and decorative and can be grown with limited space. It is splendidly organized and easy to read, and has a great index, too. And the level of detail is just right for almost any skill level, and the writing is pleasant to read and easy to understand. [my ex-wife's review] B+The Four Pillars of Investing by William Bernstein (2002)In this book, Bernstein describes how to build a winning investment portfolio. He doesnt focus on the details he tries to explain fundamental concepts so that readers will be able to make smart investment decisions on their own. The Four Pillars of Investing is challenging in places, but it provides an excellent introduction to the theory, history, psychology, and business of investing. If youre able to finish, youll have a better grasp of investing than 99% of your peers. [my review] B Why We Buy: The Science of Shopping by Paco Underhill (2000)In this book, Paco Underhill an environmental psychologist describes what he learned through years of research into consumer behavior and retail marketing. Like it or not, youre manipulated all of the time while youre shopping, and in ways you dont even suspect. But by taking Underhills lessons for marketers and flipping them around, you can make yourself immune to marketers manipulations. (Well, maybe not immune, but less likely to succumb to their ploys, anyhow.) [my review] BWhy Smart People Make Big Money Mistakes (and How to Fix Them) by Gary Belsky and Thomas Gilovich (1999)In this short book, Belsky and Gilovich catalog a menagerie of mental mistakes that cause people to spend more than they should. What might have been a boring topic becomes fascinating thanks to an engaging style and plenty of anecdotes and examples. This book covers a couple dozen psychological barriers to wealth. [my review] B+ The Millionaire Next Door by Thomas Stanley and William Danko (1998)The Millionaire Next Door has earned its place in the canon of personal-finance literature. It's built on years of research, on a body of statistics and case studies. It doesnt make hollow promises. That said, the book is a flawed classic. It offers a fascinating portrait of the wealthy, but it buries this beneath mountains of detritus. The book is poorly organized, repetitive, and dull. (The section on car-buying seems to go on forever.) A patient reader will be rewarded with a glimpse at what it takes to become a millionaire, but I cant help but feel this book could have been something more. Warning: Avoid the audiobook, which suffers even more in the tedious sections. [my review] C+ Yes, You Can Achieve Financial Independence by James Stowers (1992)Yes, You Can Achieve Financial Independence is informative without being dense. Its accessible without being condescending. Its advice is solid. The book is filled with investment advice, but it gives equal time to thrift and savings. Best of all, it asks as many questions as it provides answers. It prompts the reader to think, to evaluate his priorities. Its message is that yes, you can achieve Financial Independence, but you cant get there overnight, and you cant get there without setting goals and making sacrifices. [my review] A-How to Retire Young by Edward M. Tauber (1989)How to Retire Young is one of the oldest books Ive found on the subject of early retirement. Taubers premise is that many people can retire early if they plan and remain dedicated to the plan. I wish I could say that this is a great book. Sadly, its not. Its good (dont get me wrong), but it suffers from being first. [my review] C-Cashing In on the American Dream: How to Retire at 35 by Paul Terhorst (1988)Cashing In on the American Dream is a seminal early retirement book and its advice was spot-on for 1988. But that strength is now its weakness. Some of the advice is thirty years out of date. If you dont need specific advice but are instead interested about theory (and story), then seek out this title. (The last half of the book is filled with stories from folks who made early retirement happen.) [my review] BHow to Get Out of Debt, Stay Out of Debt, and Live Prosperously by Jerrold Mundis (1988)How to Get Out of Debt is built on the principles of Debtors Anonymous, a twelve-step program founded in 1971 to help those who struggle with compulsive debt. Mundis was himself a debtor, and he based this book on his own experience. This isnt purely theoretical information from the mind of some Wall Street finance whiz who has never struggled; this book contains real tips and real stories from real people. [my review] A- You Can Negotiate Anything by Herb Cohen (1980)Whether you like it or not, your life is filled with negotiations. You negotiate your salary, for the price of a car, for the cost of a couch. You negotiate with your wife about where to spend your summer vacation, with your husband about what color to paint the babys bedroom, with your daughter about what time she should be home from the football game. Of all the books Ive recommended at Get Rich Slowly over the years, You Can Negotiate Anything is one of the best. [my review] A How to Get Rich and Stay Rich by Fred J. Young (1979)This book is built around a single principle: Spend less than you earn and invest the difference in something that you think will increase in value and make you rich. It reads like homespun advice from your favorite uncle. While theres plenty of good advice in these pages and lots of amusing anecdotes, theres very little polish. [my review] CThe Incredible Secret Money Machine by Don Lancaster (1978)Though the title smacks of get-rich-quick schemes, The Incredible Secret Money Machine is really about starting and running a small business. To Lancaster, a money machine is any venture that generates nickels. Nickels are small streams of revenue from individual customers. If your goal is simply to earn a comfortable income for yourself by doing something you love, then this book can help you explore the idea of business ownership. Its not going to help you launch the next Google or Microsoft, though. Lancaster is all about nickels, not about dollars. [my review] C+Hard Times: An Oral History of the Great Depression by Studs Terkel (1970)In 1970, writer Studs Terkel published Hard Times: An Oral History of the Great Depression, which features excerpts from over 100 interviews he conducted with those who lived through the 1930s. Terkel spoke with all sorts of people: old and young, rich and poor, famous and not-so-famous, liberal and conservative. The book is fascinating. Its one thing to read about the Great Depression in textbooks, or to hear it used as leverage in political speeches, but its another thing entirely to read the experiences of the people who lived through it. [my review] A-

That's it! If you find any reviews I missed, let me know so that I can add them to this index. I consider this a living article. I plan to add to it with time. As I re-publish old reviews that are currently unpublished, I'll add them here. And as I write new reviews in the future, those will get added to the list too. Know of a money book that I should read and review? Drop a line to let me know! 147 Shares https://www.getrichslowly.org/money-books-index/