#i wouldve been much better off having never unblocked her because now i feel like shit

[heavy-lobster]

final part i swear

[b0ttl3d-up-st4rs]

Well I'm gonna do what I do best and self reflect to an insane amount. This is probably gonna be a long post so buckle up.

To be honest my behavior for nearly the past year now is concerning to say the least. There's this little voice in my head that just desperately wants to get more and more hurt, more and more traumatized. Why is that? At first glance the negative approach could be to say its some sort of masochistic behavior and any negative repercussions as a result of this behavior is deserved, but I don't really think thats the case.

Self sabotage is a characteristic that can be exhibited in many mentally ill people and I am no exception. I think this behavior, of seeking to be hurt by grown men on the internet is partially self sabotage.

And I remember when I first started this shit show, I just wanted attention. Sounds mean to say, but craving attention is something the human soul desperately wants. And I was starting to feel some sense of self beauty but I didn't feel as though anyone around me was appreciating it so I tried to get attention from grown men because being showered in compliments and attention felt so good when my whole life I've never gotten any of that.

I think there's more too it, though. Looking back my whole life it's almost as if I've wanted to get hurt. In books I liked to sit around with the pain the characters felt. And its almost like I wanted to get traumatized. I've heard that people with trauma that they don't acknowledge is trauma or think its bad enough to be traumatizing seek put worse forms of trauma, in order to feel that pain is valid. And I think that's part of my issue too.

I do have unaddressed and repressed childhood trauma. I was given unrestricted internet at a young age and was exposed to the horrors of the internet. Nothing like straight up porn, but a lot of suggestive content. And in general being exposed to that caused me a lot of catholic guilt as I was raised catholic. I remember feeling like knowing these things were my fault. Many days I felt so guilty that I would pray to god to let me not wake up in the morning.

As a child I also questioned my religion a lot, which i think was traumatic in itself. Religion is a big thing. And as a kid I had a big issue knowing reality from fiction. Heck I still do. I remember as a kid my friend telling me that we were all demigods and one day we were going to run away to camp half blood. That the percy jackson books were real. It sounds stupid now, but I processed that as real and it was so stressful for me.

And I remember being 12 coming out as trans and as a part of the lgbtq community to my parents. They didnt react well. They said I was confused. My mom said I was both too young and too old to know. I fought a lot with my mom. And in general have a lot of unhappy memories from then. I was outed multiple times in my life.

My relationship with my parents still isnt good. My mom has a tendency to be toxic. I hate that I have to stay in the closet around my family its so painful. Like a month ago I mentioned the lgbtq community for the first time in years, asking my mom her opinions on it and if it changed since 2017, and it turned into her yelling at me and making herself a victim. It really hurt. I forgot how much it hurt.

I don't really have much of a relationship with my dad. We barely talk. Hes very emotionally distant. When I'm at my dad's house I sort of fend for myself. Its the exact opposite at my moms house. She's overbearing and never leaves you alone. It's like going between to extremes.

And honestly I can't wait to move out. My mom and I have arguments a lot. But hey at least I have some relationship with her, I don't really have a relationship with my dad.

I remember one time this year, I was during the end of a school semester. I needed to catch up on work because after talking to my abuser for like 5 months and then unlocking him I was left in shambles and fell into a really bad depression to where my motivation for school just disapeared. Im still dealing with that tbh. Anyways I had to go to a online meeting to choose my classes and I didn't get to choose the classes I thought I would be able to, and that made me really upset. But after the meeting I had to go to do am act of kindness (I chose picking up litter at a graveyard cause i like graveyards) for my school project but I was still distraught. If I was given some time to myself I probably wouldve been able to go without issue, but my mom wanted to go immediately. We argued. And when I got there I refused to leave the car because I felt so much like shit. We argued more. It was the worst argument I ever had. She even swore at me. Which she's never done before. And she ended up playing victim again. She does that a lot I guess. And doesn't really listen to my feelings. Whenever I try to communicate about my feelings with her it turns into an argument and she makes it about herself. So yeah our relationship isn't the greatest. And I think having mommy and daddy issues is a trauma in itself. Ppl deserve to have happy healthy supportive families.

Oh right and another trauma I completely forgot (funny how that happens) is when I was 14 and admitted to a mental hospital because I tried to off myself. It was so surreal and they forced me to learn how to make eye contact with people cause apparently thats "how they know im doing ok". Which is kinda fucked considering the fact I recently realized I might be autistic. And eye contact is literally so painful for me. It especially was back then. Anyways the place itself wasnt too bad but the feeling of being trapped overall sucks and being disconnected from the rest of the world isnt fun either. Also I dissociate all the time but I especially dissociated hard thru the whole experience. And sort of made myself into the perfect patient, repeating all their bs and literally lying to myself to convince myself that I was ok so they would let me go. So that was kind of weird.

Anyways I know I have it better than others. And honestly sometimes it's hard to tell what exactly was traumatic in my childhood. I probably forgot and repressed other parts of it too and am forgetting things. But needless to say these unaddressed traumas didn't help my mental state. And i do think that's a big part of the voice in my head begging me to just get hurt more.

Overall my mental state is fucked, It's been really hard for me not to be taken advantage of by another internet pedo. Heck the only reason that isn't happening rn is because no ones dmed me yet. Also I unblocked my old abuser and we are talking again now so thats fun. It definitely doesnt help the cognitive dissonance in my brain of him being actually a nice and supportive dude. I think thats also a part of me wanting to get more traumatized. Since my abuser is a nice person that should counteract all the fucked up sexual things he said to me in the past right? I mean others have it worse, had worse abusers that were actively cruel. That's part of the bitch in my subconscious brain talking. It sucks tbh.

Anyways yeah I probably need therapy but I don't feel comfortable talking about this to my current counselor and honestly its really hard to say out loud. I can talk forever about it by writing it down but the moment I speak words from my dumbass mouth I break down in tears and can't do it. Plus idk, I'm scared if I say anything she'll have to tell my parents and that my phone might be taken away or I'll have less privacy and for a closeted queer where my only current life line is the internet and my online friends: that is a terrifying idea. Idk. I'm fucked basically.

[idksheepthoughts]

Conversations Me: you actually soft blocked me....                                   any reason why?

Her: lol the fact that you noticed this late   but it happened on accident actually and i went and unblocked               but at that point i was like lmao like she'll notice so i never mentioned it              

Me: If you hate me just say so. No need to lie.... I don't check shit like that every day but it's not that many days since I know it was maybe a week or less ... Whatever. I'm so splitting atm. So I'll shut up before I say something else             

Her: hate? when the fck did i mention that?         yes, better shut up before you stick your foot in your mouth as usual                 since i've done nothing hostile to you as if me feeling like i matter to no one and have the smallest amt of friends possible is somehow how an Attack on You.

Me: you blocked me... on "accident" how does that even happen.... i've told you tons of times that the amount of friends depends solely on yourself. and your willingness to talk to people and work past the anxiety and fear that talking to people causes. . . otherwise I wouldn't even have friends. because if i isolated and neveer talked to anyone ever first that nobody would talk to me in the first place. . . ugh whatever. i've said too much im just going to sober up and talk later i guess.... I can't always be here I try to be but like we said previously, i didn't know what to do between give you loads of attention and give you nothing at all...

Her: tumblr mobile? lol. if you can't believe me when i say that then i don't really want to talk to you since everytime i feel bad or have like, negative feelings regarding my own situations you always take it so personally (1) and then i have to dread these fcking conversations so when we've been talking normally on twitter                 it all goes to fcking shit because you can't accept that i get to feel bad and feel upset about stuff regardless of whether or not im taking actions to help myself in my own way at my own pace...doesn't mean you get to think that i hate you so i blocked you      because what the fuck how does it work when we've been chatting like everyday on twitter?                   and it was (what i thought) fine? good? (2) if it really was the case i wouldve blocked you here or just flat out deleted since then i'd only have one fucking follower :) so just. let me have emotions. and don't assume things. this is so funny because i remember you getting mad at me months ago for the same exact thing   and here we are, situations reversed  

Me: BECAUSE i have a huge fear of abandonment.... it was fine but this stuff even if its an accident just idk .... i guess you never saw how much abandonment even if its an accident sends me into depressive spirals??? have i ever left you no. i've been distant yes but i've never full on unfollowed or left... idk you block me a lot and delete and it hurts every time.                                    

Her: "even if" can you believe me????? first off???? (3) and no you havent god if it was such a problem just follow me and then ask me about it because why would i lie lol (4) i don't like friendships built on lies i'll never talk to someone like that genuinely   i have insecurities too. i have enough

Me: ok it was an accident.

Her: i didn't even think it was a problem first off considering all those people you put on your thanksgiving post. and then you never noticed/messaged me about so i was like k, so that's that! and just talked w/ you normally here  (5)           so let's just accept the fact that we've got our problems and there's better ways to handle this than assuming motives

Me: so you did change url because of that post??? like my paranoid ass thought???? i was right on that???? cause i noticed that and was like... maybe its not related but was it????? cause I just want to know... im not mad at that at all just... i want to not assume things atm.    and i notice stuff slowly because I try not to fall into obsessive traits. its not healthy to check who im following or who is greyed out or blocked every single day. . . I try to just let things be but when I do notice stuff i can't help but explode. I tried to be calm by just asking why.... but i clearly failed at that. its whatever. I followed back. if it happens again just like.. tell me please??? this stuff makes me so close to slitting my wrist                                    

Her: no, i changed my url because i was sitting on that url for a while and i wanted to use it              

Me: okay, it was just a paranoid thought.                             

Her: well, i really, really, really, don't like when you start assuming things even after i tell you or not believing me. we've been friends for how long? does it mean nothing? you'd think i'd lie at this point? x____x       (6) .those thoughts make me want to die      

Me: i'm sorry for thinking irrationally, but with how many people just up and leave, all the time even with being friends for long periods its hard not to jump to conclusions. I am in the wrong for falling into my own paranoid thoughts. You explained things and I don't believe that you are lying so its fine.                        

Her: oh, now you believe me                     after i have to hold your hand when i'm upset (7) whatever i'm probably not going to follow back because i hate that i have no friends and my mutuals ignore all my posts when i try to put myself out there     it's gotten to a point where i can't post stuff on tumblr anymore because i know no one gives a shit             like even as happy as i am about my commission i know if i post that on my tumblr i'll make the artist seem bad when no one likes my post  idc. i'm bitter and alone and probably always will be because i don't have any friends aside from you o/                           like, be grateful you even have that many people to be grateful for   (8)      i'd kill for it i feel like dying when i think about this and i think about it a lot     but ofc i don't moan about it anywhere except on this stupid fucking twitter account                   where you seem ot think i live a dandy life   (9)                                    it fcking sucks bc im trying my best!                                           anyways im done lol           oh and then you post shit like *Edit* (Screenshot of some tags where I said I always listen to people but nobody likes listening to me so I talk to my cats a lot which is true because I’m a burden and i hate bothering people with my problems so much)                    that when you damn well no i have no one else to listen to except you online      and we've been civil lately                         but ok! i guess i don't care!  because im living it up!       #sarcasm    (10)

Me: you havent followed me in probably over 10 or so months, whenever i remade, cause i don't think you followed me when i delteed either,  i didn't expect a follow back at all. i just expect us to be not mutuals but still friends? THEN TALK TO PEOPLE TALK TO PEOPLE AND TALK TO PEOOPLE thats all i did was work past my fears and talk to people and some stuck around some didn't. i dont know what else to say. some of those people haven't actually spoken to me in months either but im still grateful for them. I have nothing else to really advise on that other than you gotta put the talking in first. thats all i've done and its somehow managed to not fuck it up for this long??? i dont think i've had any friend longer than whenever we started being friends... so around 2 years...    

Her: no offense but just talking to people doesn't do shit :) but seriously, thanks :)       (Phone lagged) So I repeated my previous message by accident)                           

Her: yeah probably the only reason you havent fucked it up is because i dont want to be fucking alone and i dont give up easily so ive stayed with this even fi you make me feel like fucking shit when this happens   & since you said nothing to everything else i just said i guess im right :)             god im over this i dont want to fight and i dont want to talk to you becaus eim always explaining my problems and you just like. tell me the same shit each time as if it'll magically do stuff   liek the fact that im trying doesnt mean anything                 i dont wanna talk to you if its always going to be like this ill take the goddamn loss and be lonely while youve got your fucking harem of friends idc if its an exaggeration the point is everyone i considered a friend has just stopped talking to me completely and the only thing i get here is you telling me what to do like i need cold hard instructions for making a friend  

ME: Harem??? You know nothing about anything. Ya know what..... forget it. If it's better I don't say anything because nothing I says helps and  I'm a broken record. You want to assume because I tagged a lot of people doesn't mean I wasn't just fishing for validation. Me trying to help is just being a dumb mistake. I can't help anyone and why I try is also confusing because I am pointless. I'm keeping you in my note regardless you have been here and listened and that hadn't changed.  But if this is just going to explode it's going to explode. All I do is ruin everything and I don't even care anymore I'm going to buy a gun soon anyways. So what's the point in trying to make something work. I've always been a shit friend and it's just not worth it to you at this point. So okay.                   

Her: HERE let me qutoe for you something    "idc if its an exaggeration"                                      ^^^^^^^             unlike you im aware when im being irrational lmao    (11)     apparnetly you get to be and i dont                             thats how it always is            did you ever think about it feels for me   when my only friend does shit like this constantly    like lmao                                ofc not bc why would you consider anything from my point of view  this conversation is over until you want to stop fucking assuming i dont care       LOL     and acting as if me letting you go is the best thing that could happen to me       like we couldnt j ust talk on twitter and let it fucking be but you have todrag it all in at least i get to get stuff off my chest thats the only fucking good that comes out of this  like you dont get that you telling me the same thing hurts because it doesnt fucking work and i dont have any fucking friends  i have college to deal with and studies and that pressure but you dont know the half of it?    but you just want to assume, assume, assume   (12) i cried already out of anger    

Me: I didn't have friends in college either                                 

Her: big offense but i dont want to continue this conversation

ME: Okay

Her: unles syoure willing to admit to your bullshit       because ima lways doing that and im always getting the end of your shit      

Me: I am made of nothing but bullshit I'm nothing but a huge fucking shit storm and I always will be. You should have left a long time ago because I don't know how to not be toxic   It's not That I won't be upset by you leaving far from it but you deserved better people and maybe if you had left and kept trying as you have been things will turn around. Because literally everyone that has ever done that with me ended up fine and in a good spot. I hold people back. And that's all I can think of. I ruin other people's lives by being in it. And I've certainly made your life worse. And I'm just better off dead because I am a selfish fucking loser.     I'll shut up now.

[omegacunt-blog]

my view of time with the love of my life.

im sad i hate my home im moving to christchurch i know it will hurt my girl but its best for me and we have been distant already as it is "babe we need to talk" yes we do im leaving you and moving to christchurch im sorry but its best for me right now "i cheated on you when do you want your things" i knew then that i wasnt going to love again fuck that i packed my shit only 1 bag and got the next flight to christchurch i met my father at the airport and went back to his place we got a pack of smokes and went for a walk into the cbd because i told him i like walking we walked for hours talking about how we have been and what we do for fun we get to a giant arch thing and he see's one of his friends so i sit down and start scrolling instagram i was posting angry shit about my ex cheating on me blah blah and i figured i need new friends so i start following people and i come across this one page of this chick with red hair "wow she is really hot no way id have a chance with her ill try it anyway" we ended up going home and i stalked her instagram all night because i couldnt sleep she was really cute holy hell 3 days past and i was talking to the girls i had things with and i started to feel un satisfyed i got nudes every day from like 6 people how could i not be satisfyed i finally get some balls and message her but what do i say i said the most amazingly horrible opener "do you like memes" oh god ive fucked it im really weird somehow it worked we are talking now i dont remember what we said exactly but all i remember is getting her number right away and telling her we are in an extremely open no ties relationship which somehow worked it was really weird we started talking about neither of us ever liking each other we talked about how much we liked drinking we talked about our music i loved talking to her i soon found myself spending all day and night talking to her and thinking about her and finding myself at burgerking using the wifi just so i could keep talking to her i drank alot and i eventually ended up cutting my girls off without knowing i cant say i missed them because it would be a lie she was all i thought about it soon came time to meet her and i remember drinking a whole bottle of jagermeister and smoking a bit to get some confidence wow she is beautiful in person i wanna get close to her i want to talk to her all night i tried showing off to impress her like a 9 year old kid with a crush im writing this now with that same crush we were walking back to her house and i was still showing off i ended up getting arrested so i fucked with the cops for a bit before i got put in cuffs and taken home i put my foot out the car door and they both spent 20 minutes trying to put it in the car i almost told them i was carrying a knife i talked about her the whole way home and as soon as i got home i walked an hour to her house where she made me sit on the lawn because she didnt trust me it was okay i was fine with just being there she came and sat next to me and she asked me if i liked being scratched and she started scratching my left arm it kinda hurt but i liked it because she was doing it **it also why i burn the skin off my left arm** her friend started running around with a shopping cart and she kissed me on the cheek it was the first time ive been kissed on the cheek and it felt amazing i dont know why i just stared at her and said "oh" i was speechless and then we went inside and sat for a couple hours before i left and she told me to hug her so i did and i left feeling extremely happy i walked an hour in the wrong direction and then eventually got home i fell asleep right away thinking about her we continued to hang out for another 2 weeks and then she came around to my place and we drank and smoked cigarettes with her friend zion and we ended up cuddling for a couple hours before she left i hated it when she left 3 days later i watched her be with another guy it ripped me apart everytime i seen them kiss i hated the fact that she even sat close to him i was extremely jealous i think its easy to say jealousy is my biggest weakness it eats me alive its caused many of my scars and its the reason behind my anxiety and trust issues that day was the day we started going down hill i told her i loved her and i had feelings for her and she returned them i asked her out and she turned me down it really hurt and it took her 2 days for an explanation "i want to be with you and i will soon i promise just wait" and thats what i did i waited and watched her be with another it really hurt me that she could say all these things to me and then turn around and do things with another guy it should be me if she doesnt like him why is she doing this with him and not me i want it i deserve it she ends up getting high and she turned into a different person she told me to come see her so i walked an hour and a half and all i got when i got there was "dude just leave me alone im to high for this i dont want to see you" i told her i was done i cant love her if she doesnt love me oh but she says she does but where is the actual love? i dont feel it all i feel is disgust **thats why i dont like her smoking weed** i walked an hour and a half home after not seeing her and being told to leave her alone i was angry so i shut myself off for 2 days and when i finally texted her back i went over to her house i didnt know that would be the last time id see her she was upset and she sat on her chair in silence so i sat on the floor and we were silent for a while before she came and hugged me i hate myself for not hugging her back she was hurt and i knew it but all i could think about was how angry what she said made me i was closed off we said nothing the whole time untill i got uo and said goodbye and jumped out her window i didnt even look at her as i left i hated it after that day everything is black all i did was drink my pain away eventually she decided it was time to cut me off "its best for you" she said i felt hurt i felt betrayed i was angry not at her but at myself if i had of done things differently it wouldve been better we wouldve worked i tried for weeks to get her back but failed every time i ended up having drinks with her friend i met at sparks in the park which was another time that i hated but loved i was with her i loved it but she kissed a guy infront of me i hated that **i didnt know he was gay at the time** and she ignored me most of the night unless she wanted me to stand behind her so she felt hidden and then she ditched me anyway back to the drinks i remember aysia telling me to invite pagan and i didnt have the courage to tell aysia i ruined everything with her so i just said "nah she is probably busy she wont wanna come here" from then onwards for the next 3 months was also black it was a spiral of alcohol and bad decisions my life was fucked up and all i wanted was for her to text me saying she still loved me i moved into a new house in pegasus and i noticed she unblocked me i messaged her and she said "leave me alone i dont want to talk to you im tryna hold it down for a nigga" and then she blocked me that really fucking hurt i started burning myself for the first time and drank every day there was alot of parties i had alot of alcohol drank but not once was i able to move on or forget about her i got home from driving one night and i had a text from her i nearly died from excitement she is finally back my life is finally happy again "well heres hoping we never meet huh? -your not so friendly demon (aka the guy who doesnt think with his dick and is with pagan and wants to make you choke on your teeth" that was the most painful text i ever got in my life not only did i get proof she had moved on but he wanted to hurt me for some reason did she say i hurt her? did she talk shit about me? i hated it i blocked her number and punched a hole in my wall the drinking continued the pain got worse untill months later she messaged me on instagram apologising for everything i was hesitant to let her back into my life i had to think about it she broke me many times already am i willing to go through everything again i never stopped loving her we talked about how our lives were things were good it took 1 hour for me to get hurt again when i found out she was still with **my not so friendly demon** i hated that and i hated seeing photos of them together and him talking shit to me and seeing them love each other and hearing her talking about doing things to him i was jealous notice a patern? something happened and she left him and i asked her out she was finally going to be mine she said yes im so happy everything is amazing this is why i love her i love her for the good times and i still love her through the bad i remember sharing a tiny bed i hated it i was embarrassed but she put up with it for me i remember first having sex with her ill never forget how uncomfortable it made her she hated sex but she tried it with me the first 2 times we had sex i didnt cum but i made sure she did i didnt care if i got no pleasure as long as she did i was happy i loved cuddling with her drinking with her smoking with her i loved listening to music with her talking to her everything she loved my niece and that meant alot to me ive never been happier in my life and she gave that to me i cant thank her enough i remember how it felt to cuddle her how it felt when we had sex it was amazing she was the best fuck ive ever had and i couldnt get enough i wouldnt to fuck her all the time i wanted to cuddle constantly i wanted to see her laugh every day i wanted to listen to her talk for hours i never wanted anything to end but it had to a piece of me died everytime she left my house i remember our first argument it was about me talking about the past i miss everything the kisses hugs sex the cuddling the waking up in the morning and seeing her face and hearing her say i love you as the first thing we went for a walk one day to the beach after having sex and we just walked and held hands for hours untill we went home that was my happiest day on earth and id rather keep the things about that day to myself for a future story im not going to go into detail about our final days but we eventually ended it i cried for hours i hated myself how could i do that to her why did i do that to her she came around one last time and i wanted to break down and cry and beg for her back but i had to pretend to be strong we shared a cigarette she cried we hugged kissed and she left the final goodbye will replay in my head forever i cried and yelled for 2 days straight and i found out that she had already moved on it felt like she had ripped my heart from my chest and stomped on it spat on it and burnt it im sure she fucking hated me she fucked another guy so soon i fucking hated it i burnt every inch of my arm i even tried cutting myself but burns hurt more she likes this guy and its just lhbarflerbkjbSFEkSJ fuck this fuck everything i cant fucking finish this anyway this is the fucking story about me and the love of my life the one and only girl of my dreams the girl who i still to this second love with all i have left of my heart through thick and thin good and bad i still love you forever and always will -shane xx