#i wouldn't have the amazing friend group and support system i do now if it weren't for moving

[thebigbiwolf]

What is the best thing you've ever done

Several years ago I finally decided to leave a situation that was holding me back from finding someone I really love. The second best thing was moving to Colorado to go to college (I graduate next month and still can't believe it). The third would have to be staying at a Bleachers concert even though I was going to miss my flight back (another one of my partners suggestions), which led to me meeting and befriending their social media manager.

[toubledrouble]

In the honor of my uranium post, here are more things my chemistry teacher has said and done:

Explained that actually electro cars are stupidly unecological because they use lithium batteries - creating them ruins the environment and we have no clue how to get rid of them

Microplastics in our blood are his favourite topic

Artificially supplied hormones and how they get from our bodies through the sewer systems to water (we can't filter them) where they mess up fish and make them gay (then the fish die) and then apparently make people gay. Somehow. He didn't elaborate because he was too busy with calculating how many gay people should statistically be in our class (it was like 3.5 btw)

Keeps bringing up how he supports gay people because there isn't enough love in the world ("but you at the last desk please do whatever you're doing at home, this is a chemistry class")

Explained how his hearing and sight work - apparently, now he can't enjoy much music because his hearing makes them sound out of tune

Talked about their fave kdramas with my friend

So many 'fun' stories from his past jobs (like when one of his university students committed suicide by poisoning himself with something they were working with in the middle of his class. Out of unrequited love. It was a very dangerous solution or something and he died before they could help him)

Frequently reminds us that we shouldn't swing on our chairs because he has already seen a human brain on the floor and doesn't really want to repeat that experience (another work accident)

The last class before Christmas break, he came in in full Christmas themed clothing (an ugly sweater, a winter had with a white front that he turned into a snowman, reindeer shoes, you name it)

Calculated how many wind turbines would it take to replace Temelín

Proceeded to calculate that they would make a straight line from said Temelín to Belgium

When our medic group was at a competition, he came to walk with us and our teacher with a tote bag where he had bananas that he then handed out and made us eat them

Also gave us good marks for participating in the competition because safety is important in a lab

Complained that we as a country care too much about other ecological/economical problems when we have our own ("mně je tygřík usurijský srdečně u prdele")

Talked about how our economy went to shit with the nazis and them the communists. Again, in chemistry, for some reason

He follows our school meme page (I'm one of the creators so this made me happy) and he laughs at the memes, even the ones about him

Told me that moravians (for context: I'm moravian but now live in central bohemia) are the best people

Made fun ways to explain chemistry to us when someone didn't understand the original versions (instead of repeating how one atom replaces another and creates a different solution, he made an explanation using relationships so people could relate and understand better)

Genuenly seemed like he was going to cry when I gave him homemade fancy decorated gingerbread (because mom is amazing and decorating it)

Always checks what book am I reading and talks to me about it for a bit

Doesn't mind when I zone out in class and miss a question which is so nice

When he saw our 'time till we leave' countdown, he said we may be happy but he will be sad and will miss us

Said that men are a dead end branch of evolution (loosely translated from "slepá vývojová větev") and had facts to back that claim up

Told us how someone poisoned his coworker by switching ethanol, which he poured into his morning tea, for methanol

Gave us a literal sheet with numbers of classes and exams that we will have. Like "lesson 24: carbohydrates I" so that we could prepare ahead

Cancelled final exam because he didn't feel like teaching (and because it wouldn't fix anyone's grade anyway) but then decided to make it voluntary in case someone would actually want to take it

Played 'calming Japanese music' during a test

Kept the nickname "Gargamel" that students gave him because he seriously looks a lot like him

He keeps all the gifts from his past students in his chemistry classrom/lab (it's 2 in 1)

Always tells us not to sit on the floor because we will get sick and won't be able to have children (aka the most slavic thing ever said)

Always has a speech about trash and the existence of trashcans when he sees some trash on the floor

When someone is being too stupid even for his patience, he says "I get that you have one brain cell that is jumping around trying to find its friends so hard it gave itself a concussion, but-"

Assigned us numbers based on the alphabetical order of our last names and made us sign tests with it to keep it anonymous so he can just throw them out without having to worry about our names being leaked (yeah it's a whole thing) because getting rid of the papers otherwise takes too long

[jimmycarterghostland]

I finished reading Shell 4.11 of Worm. I have no criticisms for this chapter, just praise. This novel is amazing.

Taylor, do not snitch on the Undersiders. These guys have been through so much with her. And they took care of her throughout this chapter. If I were her, I wouldn't have it in me to betray these kids. I would love them too much. Especially since the Undersiders are the only friends Taylor has. I think Tattletale is technically her best friend.

The Undersiders are villains, sure, but they're not those absolutely diabolical villains. They're not mass murderers or anything. If I had the opportunity to get the Undersiders arrested, and decided not to, I would choose not to and I wouldn't feel guilty about it.

Also, the bugs constantly going to Taylor while she was unconscious and hurt was like some children protecting their ill mother or something. At the same time, I know these bugs don't give a crap about Taylor, and they're being forced to do what she wants. I don't even think bugs can feel affection or love.

Anyway, Worm is addicting. I feel like a fool for being bored a few chapters ago, and I couldn't take Bakuda seriously as a villain. I don't feel that way anymore. I'm having fun reading Worm, and Bakuda is one dangerous villain.

This chapter was written so well. Wildbow did a good job at writing from the point of view of someone who isn't all the way there, drugged up. I like how Taylor couldn't recognize people's voices at first. It was funny when she realized Brian and Tattletale were talking to her dad. She was like:

Taylor said something along the lines of that realization woke her up instantly. Lmao.

This was a very wholesome chapter. I know the situation is screwed up. After all, this chapter was about a teenage girl pretending to be a villain while hanging out with real villains, who gets wounded by an even worse villain, and then the real villains she's been hanging out with are the only ones helping her, and then they take her to her dad, who gets lied to. All that is happening while the even worse villain blows up various parts of the city.

Thrilling stuff.

Where tf was Bitch during all of that mess? She is the worst teammate ever. Taylor, Brian, Tattletale, and Regent were fighting for their lives, with Brian and Tattletale eventually helping Taylor. And Bitch was nowhere to be found. She isn't wowing me at all. I have zero reason to like her right now.

Also, in one of these recent chapters, I can't remember which, Taylor referred to Brian as her friend and her ally(or was it teammate?). Anyway, that stuck out to me. It feels like Taylor sees herself as an official part of their group, but it's subtle. And I'm not sure if she still plans on ratting the Undersiders out. I hope she doesn't. If she does, what will she even do afterward? Taylor has no friends. If she gets the Undersiders arrested, the only person she will have will be her dad. And the girl is in desperate need of a support system, especially since she gets remorselessly bullied at school. Without a support system in your life, it would be easy to do something awful to yourself. Taylor needs the Undersiders.

Unlike all of the other books I've read that feature teams, Worm actually has a team that feels like one. I love the Undersiders as a group. They feel so real, both individually and as a team.

Not every person gets along with a person who are on the same team as they are. Some books with teams tend to create conflict between teammates that feels forced, for the sake of drama. With Worm, though, I don't get that feeling. Conflict between the Undersiders, mainly between Taylor and Bitch, happens because Bitch is the way that she is. She doesn't have an out of character moment that creates cheap, unrealistic conflict between her and Taylor.

My former favorite book series, Lorien Legacies, was awful. And it had characters being OOC for the sake of drama. In The Rise of Nine, Nine is revealed to hate bullies. Then he remorselessly bullies Five in the next book, for no reason. And Nine's bullying of Five gets a beloved character killed. It was ridiculous. There were other awful OOC moments in the series as well.

There is so much bad literature out there, but the good thing is that Worm is a piece of great fiction that makes up for the fact that bad books exist.

Worm's characters are consistent, and their consistency makes them feel real. There's no jarring out of character moments. Wildbow knows what he's doing.

Moving on.

This chapter was amazing. My love for Worm has grown stronger. I'm even more engrossed in this novel. I tend to see badly written novels that are definitely overrated, but Worm actually deserves the high rating that it has. I'm glad it exists. This is what good writing looks like.

Honestly, I don't even know what my favorite novel is anymore. But it might end up being Worm by the time I finish it.

I'm not going to add any more. I don't want this post to get too long. I have two more chapters to read today(I read 3 chapters per day of Worm daily), and I'm really loving this thing.

[hsmtmtsblorbos]

What Ricky Bowen means to me as an anxious former theatre kid (warning: long post).

Season 4 of High School Musical The Musical The Series completed Ricky's character arc in the best way imaginable for me. Ricky begins the series as a "skate rat," an outsider with a single friend, no community, no stable support systems, and an unstable home life. He doesn't have anywhere to vent about his feelings or turn them into something positive. Until he auditions for the musical. He finds community, a supportive group of friends, and even gains some confidence. I didn't realize how similar we were, though, until season 4 when he and the characters around him finally verbalize his feelings. Ricky's character arc for the first two seasons seemed so strongly linked to his relationship to Nini, in his devotion to a relationship that ended, and because so much of his character was tied up in that romantic relationship, I felt like I couldn't relate. But I was directing the same amount of energy and dedication to my academics as Ricky was to Nini in high school, and that often felt like a one-sided relationship for me.

Season 4 is when I finally realized that I am so much more like Ricky than I realized. Maybe I didn't want to see myself in him because I didn't like seeing Ricky get hurt or constantly "running away" and holding back his feelings. Yet, by the end of season 4, I realized how attached I've become to this character, how much he means to me, because we're so much alike. I switched high schools sophomore year and had 1 friend, and poured all of myself into my relationship with academics, obsessing over grades to dangerously toxic ends.

I also ended up put in the theatre class. I met people who were supportive and so fun! I'd never been surrounded by such a group of diverse and energetic people in my life. And my theatre teacher, like Miss Jenn, was amazing. She believed in each and every one of us. Like Ricky, joining theatre gave me a community when I had none before. And it gave me the chance to do something different, it pushed me out of my comfort zone, and I found a whole new person within me when I got onstage. My theatre teacher asked me to audition for the show after a few weeks in her class, and she kept pushing me to do it. I didn't think I stood a chance, but she cast me in multiple roles. Like Ricky, being on stage in a play somehow gave me confidence when I felt so muddled by fear every day of my life. My theatre teacher was the first person to ever call me "fearless," and I've never forgotten that. I never thought of myself that way before, and I still struggle to think of myself that way now. But somehow, when I got onstage, I could be fearless, or at least, detached from the constant anxiety I felt every day.

Like Ricky, I needed (and still often do need) to be pushed to do things for myself. When Miss Jenn wrote him a letter of recommendation that got him into college, I was so touched, because my English and Drama teachers were so kind and invested in my future that they did the same for me.

And like Ricky, I ran away from so many opportunities. I struggled imagining a future for myself. And I didn't tell people the way I felt about them—friends, crushes, etc. In episode five, when EJ tells Ricky that he needs to stop running away, and that he's only hurting himself, I choked up. Because I've been doing that for so long. Like Ricky, I struggle to be vulnerable with others and really open up about my emotions. When EJ said, "Who's gonna show up for that guy?" I got emotional. Because I suddenly saw myself in Ricky, the kid who keeps running away, who turns down opportunities out of not believing in myself, out of worrying I wouldn't belong. And I realized that no one would show up for me, no one would support me if I kept acting that way. And so did Ricky.

In the series finale, when Ricky says, "If this program hadn't found me, I don't know what would've happened to me," it was a gut punch. Because I don't know either. Without theatre, Ricky wouldn't have a supportive group of friends, a community, as much confidence. He wouldn't have people who believe in him enough to make him believe in himself. He wouldn't be the better version of himself he is today. And I wouldn't be who I am today without theatre. I never would've known that I could be confident at all. I never would've discovered that better version of myself.

I try to take more action for myself now, advocate for myself, and speak my feelings to the people I care about, but it's difficult. It's still hard at times. But seeing Ricky finally look forward to a future for himself and take concrete steps toward that future by telling Gina about his feelings and working towards college reminded me that I need to do the same. I'm not in high school anymore and I'm not in theatre anymore, but the lessons Ricky learned still apply to me, and his character means so much to me because of his growth. He's such a well-written and admirable character at the end of the day, both as a romantic partner to Gina and as an individual, and I wish I could convey to others who don't watch the show just how much this character means to me, and how much this show has impacted my life.

I am forever grateful to Tim Federle, the writers of HSMTMTS, and Joshua Basset for creating such a meaningful story and character.

[darkhalo4321]

Here comes a big sappy blog post

I'm just gonna put a read more because it does have talk about medical stuff and hospitals and blah blah cw illness

My dad is in the hospital. He has fluid on his lung, they aren't sure why, but some theories have been suggested and tomorrow they will look into it. Hopefully it's... nothing major. It's been a roller coaster of emotions. It's similar to when my mom had her heart attack but I think my emotions from then and now are so different? With my mom it was sudden, and the fear of losing my parent was SUPER real, and it feels real now too with my father. (my mom is fine btw) The difference I think is, back then I had very little support outside my family and a few friends, but like, my support was tied up in online friends and it wasn't... the healthiest at the time? But my support group now is some really good friends and so many people I work with, coworkers, bosses, my family of course, I'm like so much more supported through this. I wish I had this when my mom had a heart attack. The other main difference is, I'm a lot better at managing my anxiety. I'm still CRYING of course because it's my dad. I love my dad. I was the kid that when I was sick, I just wanted to sit on my dad's lap and be comforted. I followed him around outside watching him do stuff. Like, I was a little shadow. So it's super hard to see someone that has always felt so STRONG be so weak and it's HARD. So I'm crying, but it's in small waves. I'm mostly okay. I'm trying to reassure everyone else around me that things will be okay. Once we know more, we can begin to move forward. The same was with my mom after her heart attack. The part that had us all freaked out was not knowing what was happening. Things are getting checked out and looked at now and we know SOMETHING and he is being monitored and looked after which actually eases some anxiety. anyway. It's just so different having to go through this crisis but having such a more healthy support system. I get teary eyed so much for the friends and family reaching out to check on me like... I don't want to weather a terrible turn of events, but I feel more secure knowing I wouldn't be weathering that alone and that means so much.

I HAVE TO MAKE AN EDIT BECAUSE I DID HAVE KIM, KIM WAS THERE RIGHT AFTER MY MOM HAD HER HEART ATTACK AND THEY SAT WITH MY MOM WHEN I HAD TO WORK LIKE THAT WAS AMAZING I have always had kim. Kim is a good long time friend. Thank you buddy. You've always been amazing. Might need you to come babysit my parents again XD

[writing-plurals]

Amazing that I found your account! I've been wondering about this thing.

For the past four years I've been working on and off on this book

In the book everyone has some sort of thing that kind of hampers them in the human world, but helps them in their world- kind of like how in Percy Jackson, a lot of demigods have dyslexia and adhd

These hampering things are different for almost everyone and they're often related to a power or ability that you have. A person who has telekinesis may "hear voices" and person who can prophesize things may have an ungodly horrible sleep schedule

One character in particular just blacks out

The idea with her was basically that she has this "side" thar whenever it senses she's in danger, shows up and whoops ass.

This version of her is clearly not her doing the things and then immediately forgetting she'd done them. Her friends make comments about this version of her acting very different, when she isn't in control of her body, she makes comments as to what it feels like. She counts how long she's there for, then, as if nothings happened, she's whipped back into reality

Now with this character, in the beginning, I really didn't want her to be a system. I'm not sure how I convinced myself she wasn't, but now that I've began to understand my own system, understand what's happening, it's pretty obvious she's a system. The only problem is, no matter how much she really hates her mom, she isn't traumatized. Not by her mom or anything else, it's literally a point in the story that all of her childhood was her parents keeping her safe from bad things. There's not really any room for truama

Especially nothing serious enough and that would occur at a young enough age for her to develop did or osdd

Now don't get me wrong, I support systems formed outside of truama, but the last thing I want is for the first book that I've ever written that wasn't a picture book to be a catalyst of a bunch of discourse, I also feel there aren't many clear representatives of did or osdd in the media, and even less that are actually good or accurate

Personally, as someone who identifies with endo system (despite beginning to wonder if undiagnosed osdd is a possibility) I genuinely just think it's only fair that the disordered people are tended to first, then, once I feel they've been represented, I can then chose to represent the non disordered

So my question to you is what you think I should do?

Should I continue with this character not being a system and just this being the magic of that world that causes the weird split

Or should I go back into her backstory and find somewhere to fit the truama needed to make this character representative

(And I just realized this but she's the only character I have really that isn't that representative of anything else the rest of the main cast

Mixed (black and white) + Bisexual + Adhd

Mixed (Asian and white) + FtM + MLM/demisexual + depression

A literal robot + nonbinary + panromantic + has traits similar to autism but I wouldn't call it autistic cause it's a robot

Mixed (black and asian) + agender + schizophrenia

They're all mixed bc they're all mixed with the things I'm mixed with shhh 😔

But like this character

White + heterosexual + Cisgender + literally nothing else interesting about her other than that blackout-different-person thingy

So yeah, theres also that

Hmmm, think of representation like a kinda pie being made for a holiday meal. Just cuz you made a pumpkin pie (endogenic system rep), doesn't mean other ppl can't go out and get what they need for apple or banana cream pie. There's plenty of space for both kinds of stories to exist. The same way just cuz tv has few long running lesbian shows doesn't stop gay ones being made.

Endogenic systems' stories deserve to be told too, and it's okay to wanna tell it with what you have set up. It's not being insensitive to represent one marginalized group over another.

As for other headmates you mentioned, I'm a little too white to help with that, so maybe our followers and other mods can help with that bit!

-Mod Tick Tock

[dodo-begone]

Ugly Fuckling

Pairing: Yandere!Xisuma x Reader

Request: mmm for requests: some soft yandere shit with any character, maybe??

Word count: 3.9K

Warning: yandere, cursing, depression (?), Anxiety (?), angst (to comfort), dissociation

Part 2 for this is Now Listen Here Sad Bitches - Stop Being Sad

If this EVER looks funky/glitched (which it def is now) I have this up properly on Ao3.

__________________________________________________________

The shopping district made you uneasy. Life just seemed to course through the area. Even without anyone actually being there to give it the energy. It was cramped though; everything was practically on top of each other. Yet it gave such a homey feeling. Like everybody who made the buildings actually liked each other; they all were a representation of how everyone was different but still similar to a family. Standing in front of all of the shops made you feel intimidated. Small, insignificant, inadequate.

You start your journey through the district, looking and giving every build the attention it deserved. It was all in an attempt to imbed everything into your memory. After all, you wouldn’t be around for much longer. Someone like you, who was so alien to the server, shouldn’t just try and worm their way into such an amazing community like this. Especially when they have nothing to offer for said community.

You hadn’t realized where you were walking until you stood in front of Grian’s barge. It was so gorgeous and well made. Grian told you how it began as a small little boat build and progressively grew to the giant floating market it is today. The story was awe inspiring; like an ugly duckling, it grew into something majestic after starting at such humble beginnings. Yet it did little to lift your spirits now. Yeah the barge started as a simple build, but it was still beautiful in its tiny state. And Grian had the talent and skill to make ginormous and intricate builds. You had neither of those abilities.

You hadn’t realized where you were walking until you stood in front of Grian’s barge. It was so gorgeous and well made. Grian told you how it began as a small little boat build and progressively grew to the giant floating market it is today. The story was awe inspiring; like an ugly duckling, it grew into something majestic after starting at such humble beginnings. Yet it did little to lift your spirits now. Yeah the barge started as a simple build, but it was still beautiful in its tiny state. And Grian had the talent and skill to make ginormous and intricate builds. You had neither of those abilities.

You hadn’t realized where you were walking until you stood in front of Grian’s barge. It was so gorgeous and well made. Grian told you how it began as a small little boat build and progressively grew to the giant floating market it is today. The story was awe inspiring; like an ugly duckling, it grew into something majestic after starting at such humble beginnings. Yet it did little to lift your spirits now. Yeah the barge started as a simple build, but it was still beautiful in its tiny state. And Grian had the talent and skill to make ginormous and intricate builds. You had neither of those abilities.

Slowly you made your way closer to the barge. At the entrance there were numerous posters all bunched together on a post. All for the mayoral campaign. They were so cute, each having a unique look. Representing their mayors very well. But Scar’s. Oh Scar’s was just elite. It was a plain wooden sign; a small but even more unique technique when compared to the others. Nothing beat some good ole fashioned petitioning. You let out a small giggle at the sight of Scar’s sign next to the others. It seemed very out of place. Seemed like a solid representation of you with the hermits. And at the same time it reminded you so much of the Dream smp.

The Dream smp… your old home. Calling the dream smp home feels wrong; you barely felt safe there, but you knew that you were wanted there. Even if just a few actually cared about you, loved you. You fit in so much better there. Your horrendous builds could easily blend in with the others or better yet, stand out amongst the surrounding disasters to look semi-decent. Yes there were actual beautiful builds, just like any other server, but they were few and far between. Those builds were under constant threat of being griefed or destroyed, just like all of the others. Yet everybody seemed mostly okay with it. They would be upset when it would be destroyed, like any normal person would. But they only had two options when presented with the rubble; pick up the fragments and rebuild from the ground up or forever abandon what was once a masterpiece.

With the hermits, there was order there. The chaos was controlled, which was an odd concept to you. Chaos on the Dream smp ran rampant, destroying anything in its path. And there even seemed to be a “type” of person that was deemed a “hermit”. Thought it was hard to pick out something that everybody had in common. But you knew one thing; you didn’t fit the description of a hermit.

On the Dream smp, everything was always on the brink of destruction and very tense. Things could change on the flip of a dime. Nothing was guaranteed. And yet you still wanted to go back there. To feel wanted, important, enough, to be validated. To be so much more than you were with the hermits. With the hermits, you were only an imposter; everything they said to or about you was a lie. Had to be a lie. Why else would you be like this super kinda and incredible person? The person they were describing wasn't even you. It was a whole different person, how could they not see that?!

Leaning against the outerwall of the barge, you slowly slide to the ground. You start a panoramic view from your new position. It only made you feel worse; you felt detached from your body. Like you were watching a movie of you and your life from an outsider’s view. But you had control of your body and could still kinda see through your eyes, which made it feel even weirder. So more like you were walking through a movie that you weren’t made for; a real person wandering the domain of a cartoon show.

A shaky breath breaks it way through your lips. Trails of tears soon start to trickle down your face, slightly obscuring the view you had. Suddenly the world becomes too big yet too small. Much duller, less important. Everything became too much yet not enough all at the same time. Soon the feeling overwhelmed you so much that you broke down into a sobbing mess. The wanted to hide your face in your hands and knees hung over you like a tsunami wave, but you knew you shouldn’t. These were your last moments and views of the hermitcraft server. Even if you couldn’t see clearly anymore. Any view was better than no view. You tried to muffle your cries; do anything to stay silent and unseen. Nobody really wanted to deal with a crying person. They just felt obligated to.

God you were such a burden on all of the hermits. You could barely support yourself with your shitty little farm. Barely any food was produced. And the hermits kept giving you stuff: ores, food, weapons, armour, just about anything you could think of. Golden carrots, golden apples, elytras, diamonds and netherite were the gifts that made you feel the worst. These were such wonderful, valuable, and useful items. Nobody would give them out for free, even to a friend. Especially as often as they did.

So you’d set out on a journey to figure out who’d gifted you stuff and return it immediately. First you just left them in a chest with a book or sign explaining that you didn’t want to accept their gift. It felt wrong that they were giving them such nice stuff. They’d always bring it back to you though. It burned your heart. Both from how sweet the gesture was and the physical pain you felt taking it from them. After a few cycles of this, people started to stop telling you who gave you that new item of yours. Even when you begged them for answers.

You had to turn to more drastic measures. Every gift you got was soon carefully investigated for any sign of who could’ve given it to you. There wasn't a way to easily get an answer from the other hermits. They had gotten suspicious of your past tactics, so you had to change your approach.

So you went with the closest guess. Even if they weren’t the one to give it to you, you’d give it to them. When the “gifter” left their base, you’d swiftly sneak in and start to put the items back in their storage. Many of them had chest monsters, so it was easier to put the items in their chests. After all, they wouldn’t really notice more items in the giant mess of items they already had. Then there were the ones with organized sorting systems. You’d search for their proper homes and place them in there. Since these people usually had big storage facilities, it wouldn't be hard to hide a few other items in there. What were the odds that they’d notice that they had a little more of an item than they last remember?

Aw who were you kidding, they’d obviously notice a whole inventory’s worth of golden carrots in their chests. But you deluded yourself into believing that your attempts worked. Believing a beautiful life was much easier and felt better than facing the less-than enjoyable truth.

When you finally calmed down enough, you went over your mental plan again. It had to be absolutely perfect. With no flaws or kinks. This couldn’t fail. Every attempt before had ended in fucking failure. You’d look so bad to the hermits if you failed in leaving again. Why did you still care about what they thought of you? That’s such a silly thing to still care about.

Each plan before had one step that’d always thwarted your leave; you always said goodbye to somebody. At first it started with a big group of hermits, but with each attempt the group got smaller and smaller.

When you’d go to say your goodbyes, the hermit you were talking to would get upset. They’d begged you to stay. Or they’d ask you to help them on this one last project. And then another hermit would ask, and then another. Until you were helping a hermit as soon as you finished a project. You were almost never alone for a while. Slowly the thought of leaving would be pushed further and further back into your mind. Until it was practically gone; only echoes of it would remain to haunt you at night. This was a continuous cycle, and you wanted it to end.

This time you weren’t going to get stopped. Having fewer people in the plan makes it easier to leave. That meant nobody was going to get an in-person goodbye. Everybody had an individual letter addressed to them from you and one for the entire server. It was better this way. They wouldn’t have the chance to stop you.

You don’t know how much time passed, nor did you really care. God you wanted to stay here so bad, yet you couldn’t. This wasn’t where you belonged. You weren’t meant to be here.

With a heavy sign, you hauled yourself off the ground and made your way to the edge of the server. Every moment was precious now, so you decided to dawdle as much as you could. Nobody was going to stop you, so you had time. After all, nobody was going to be finding the letters anytime soon.

To savor every last second on the server, you traversed by boat and foot. Yes you’d miss the elytras, but you wanted to travel the old fashioned way. The way you were used to doing it. Elytras weren’t on the Dream smp, so you needed to start getting used to not having them again.

It felt like seconds before you were at the edge. A few blinks and bam! You were at your final destination on the Hermitcraft server. It was now or never. All you had to do was take a few steps over and you would be back on the Dream smp. Yet your feet refused to move. Why weren’t they moving? This was for the greater good. Yes you wouldn’t be happy there immediately, but you’d grow used to it again.

You started to take deep breaths, trying to hype yourself up to take the final steps. It was like three steps, come on. You can do it. The trip here was longer and harder than this. Don’t let something this small ruins all the work you’ve done. God it was like you were like a walking failure. You couldn’t even finish something you started, something you wanted done. A small part of you whispered, begged you to say with the hermits. But it was soon covered by a much louder part of the mind, telling you that this was the best thing you could do for everyone. Come on, they wouldn’t miss you at all. With one final breath, you took a step forward.

“What’re you doing?” a voice seemed to yell. God it was so quiet. Why was it so quiet? Literally any noise was too loud now.

You stopped. Oh no, did you take too long getting here? Man you really should’ve used that elytra instead. Would’ve made this trip so much easier and faster.

Slowly you turn around to see who interrupted you. And low and behold, it’s Xisuma. He was a little ways away from you, which you were thankful for. It was surprising to see him so far away from the server though. Did he find the notes. Shit, fuck, no no no-. You really hope he hadn’t found them.

“I’m just looking around” a nervous shell of your voice answers. It sounded so empty, like the wind could easily blow it away with just a single gentle gust. You desperately look over where Xisuma’s face would be in hopes of finding out what he was feeling or thinking. That mask of his blocked it, so it was futile. But you had to know what he thought about you now. Was he disappointed? Did he hate you? Especially for how you tried to leave?

“This far out,” he spreads his arms out, gesturing to the world around y’all. It was practically deserted. There was only an island, and you two were standing on it. Ocean covered the world to the horizon. Logically you knew you had no reason to be out here other than to leave. You knew Xisuma knew as well. He had to. He was the admin, after all.

“Uh,” you frantically look around, hoping to find anything to help you get out of this tense situation. You hated this. Hated confrontation. This was a reason you left the Dream smp. “Yeah I wanted a good sight for the uh- for the sunset. Yes, the sunset! It’s so pretty when you’re so far from the mainland. Away from all the buildings that could obstruct the view.”

It took a second for your words to finally hit you, and when they did it felt like a slap to the face. “I’m not saying the builds are bad,” you desperately backpedal, trying to change the possible interpretation of your words. “I mean they’re very big. Big and pretty! Yes, very pretty! But they block the skyline so easily and the sunset and sunrise are just hidden by them. And sometimes the light pollution really gets in the way of stargazing- I’m rambling aren’t I? I’m sorry.”

You stared at Xisuma, wishing for him to give you any sign as to what he was thinking. But the black visor thwarted you attempts again; his face was unviewable with his helmet on.

Wait how could you have been so self absorbed to not notice what Xisuma is wearing. He adorned a little bee/wasp (you had a hard time telling the difference at the moment) themed outfit. It was like a whole bodysuit. And he had a little bee/wasp helmet too! Oh my gosh it was the little bee outfit he owned! The one you really liked! He was actually wearing it? The outfit you said looked really good on him? No, wait. He might just like it as well. That’s probably why he’s wearing it. Stupid, remember you’re not special. Especially to anyone. Why can’t you get that through your thick brain?

Xisuma must have seen the emotional trip you just went on. It must’ve been obvious, right? Written all over your face?

“You’re not wrong,” Xisuma starts. “The builds can be rather disruptive of a good view of the sunset or sunrise. But if you wanted a good viewing spot, you could’ve just asked me. I wouldn’t have minded showing you one.”

“That would’ve been such a stupid thing to ask,” you sniffle, barely having the strength to look him in the eyes. Well, where his eyes should be. “Going up to an admin and saying ‘I can’t see the sunrise or sunset well. Can you show me a good viewing spot’ isn’t exactly something you ask an admin. Usually it’s something along the lines of ‘hey this player took my stuff’ or ‘I’m stuck in a hole and need help.’”

Silence smothers the two of you. Your words were heavy. Made your mouth dry too. Wow is it hot out or just you? It’s really fucking hot out here.

“Again,” Xisuma breaks the silence,” I wouldn’t have minded at all. I’m here for you. For the hermits. And I’m here to help. Why do you think my help wouldn’t extend to you?”

You ponder over his question. Now that he states it like that, how can you just make up a stupid excuse? The care he showed in his explanation made you feel warm and fuzzy. Even if it wasn’t a lot. It made you feel special. Just for that moment. He doesn’t deserve a sucky lie. He deserved the truth. You owed it to him. Then you’ll stop being a bother to him and leave. Right… leave.

“Because I’m not a hermit, Xisuma,” you murmur, hugging yourself for comfort. “I don’t think I ever was. Or ever will be, for that matter.”

“And why not,” Xisuma prods, taking a step towards you. “You are a hermit. You’re on the hermit server and you have been for quite a while now. Everyone loves you. They love you so much. I love you so much.”

That question hurts you. It hurts you so much and yet you have no reason for it to hurt you this much. The statement was false and you knew it. So it shouldn’t hold this much power over you. He’s wrong and you know it. But how do you break it to him?

Yeah, break the news to him. The only thing breaking is you. Xisuma’s mask, which you had once adored, scared you. Intimidated you and made you feel inadequate. The more you looked, the worse you felt.

And so you give in. “Because I’m not one of you. I’d never be one of you. No matter what I did, it’d never amount to what everyone else can do! Grian can make magnificent builds, Scar can landscape like a god, and Mumbo can make literally anything and everything out of redstone. Everybody has something that they’re good at, something they specialize in. And me,” your voice cracks. You drop to the ground on your knees, curling into yourself. “I can’t do anything. I can’t build, can’t farm and I can’t even do simple redstone. I’m a literal dunce. I’ll never be able to do anything right. I’ll never be enough, especially on a server like this with so many incredible people like you. And everyone is so nice. I don’t deserve this kindness. I’m a horrible person. And-and I just don’t belong here. It’d be better if a burden like me is gone, out of your hair. It’d be better if I went back to the Dream smp. Where I can’t be a burden to anybody here.” You finally break down. Sobs shook your body and any words that came out after that were unintelligible.

Suddenly there’s a presence near you, giving you a hug. You flinch, but know it’s Xisuma. Who else could it be? He was the only one here with you. He lets go of you slowly, but you quickly latch onto him and hide in the crook of his neck. You really wanted some comfort. You wanted Xisuma’s hugs. You didn’t want to be left alone.

He goes back to gently holding you, quietly telling you that everything was going to be okay. And other things. Everything just went in one ear and out the other. But he’s giving you soft and steady backrubs. You snuggle closer to him. God this was like a whole comfort package! It just made you want to cry harder. And he just stays there! Letting you cry on him. He’s so nice to little ole you.

Soon you tuckered yourself out from crying. You’re so tired, but you’re still crying. Sadness just courses through you. But you’re so tired. Slowly your sobs turn to sniffle and you try to bring him even closer to you.

“Feel any better,” he tries his best to look at you after your sniffles are all that’re coming out of you. It’s really hard to look at someone so close to you.

You nod against him, too tired to answer verbally. Plus your voice probably sounds terrible and wouldn’t be able to handle answering anyways.

He picks you up, holding you close to him and walks away from the border. You’re so thankful that Xisuma is carrying you. It makes you feel so loved. And your body was so weak after your breakdown.

Soon you two are on a boat, heading back to the rest of the hermits. He’s rowing y’all home. You cuddle into him, wanting as much physical contact as you can get. You’re so tired, but you don’t want to sleep just yet. But you still doze off anyways. As you do though, Xisuma starts to talk to you.

“Thank you for staying with us. With me. I really appreciate that. I love you, remember that. I’ll tell you that a million times if I have to. I’d tell you daily, hourly. Whatever you want. Just don’t leave, please. I love you so much. It’d hurt if you left. If I lost you. But it also hurts to see you in so much pain. Oh I’m so sorry I wasn’t here for you sooner. I should've seen the signs. But I’m here. I’ll help you. I love you so much. I’ll stay with you as long as you’re with me. I’d follow you to the end and back.”

You can’t exactly hear what he’s saying, but it must be really nice. The tone of it is so comforting. Wait hold up. Weren’t you doing something. Struggling to stay awake, you mind scrambles for an answer. The border. Yes, the border! You were there. But for what? You couldn’t remember anymore. But was it important if you forgot? Oh who cares, you got Xisuma with you! You were home! That’s all that mattered.

As you finally start to drift off, you mutter an ‘i love you’ to him, finally falling into a well deserved slumber.

[giantkillerjack]

Lonely. I hate being lonely. It is one of the saddest feelings in the world and there is so much shame attached to it. But I live in America in 2022, and lonely is the status quo for many of us.

I don't know anyone in this city except my partner, and we spent the entire last year since we moved here just barely surviving, which combined with a pandemic has put a damper on seeking out new friends.

(I am lucky in love because she is kind and good and adores me, and I adore her. Even when at her sickest, she was using the very last of her strength to be kind to me.)

But she and I both know people are supposed to interact with more than one other human on a regular basis.

I talk often with friends and family on the phone and it is probably the reason I am still relatively sane and I treasure those relationships. But fuck, I haven't heard a friend's voice in-person in months. I have a back porch and no buddies to sit on it with! I am hard-of-hearing and I want to hear someone in the fucking room with me and not over shitty cell phone connection!!! I wanna share a joint! Come on!!!!

I wish my girl and I hadn't been... well not forced but pushed, I guess - Pushed out of our home and our city. We ran out of money because we got too sick. And we had to move to a place where we had to go through the very worst of my girl's illness all alone because this is where we can afford to not stress about money.

And I am so angry at so many people and so many systems because it didn't have to BE this way. For so many reasons, it didn't have to be like this. Besides the obvious society-wide issues, my family and her family each had more than enough money to ensure we wouldn't have to move, but that wasn't an option and her illness wasn't viewed as the kind of thing that might be affected by a cross-country move away from all of our friends.

And now, since a huge turning point about a month ago, my girl is no longer a-knock-knock-knockin' on heaven's door and it is AMAZING how fast she is improving in such a short time.

But I have enough hard-earned XP in trauma management to recognize that odd, creeping bittersweet feeling of finally being out of a horrifying situation (my wife slowly dying over the course of years) - of being out and realizing just how bad it was. Just how close you came. And there is this strange relief, joy. You are no longer being actively traumatized, yay! But also you now get to deal with the trauma! (Or you don't and you either get sicker, become Batman, or both. And hardly anyone becomes Batman.)

So I survived. Again. I'm good at that. I'm way harder to kill than I ever thought I was. Even if the world is more painful and deadly than I could have ever imagined. (It doesn't have to be this way.)

I'm smart and strong and sharp and skilled and soft all at once and between you me and anyone who will hear, I did amazing this year. I kept hope alive the entire time, and I kept the both of us alive too, and I even got better at art while doing it. I didn't relapse into self-harm, I studied my passion even as my disability got worse, and I saved someone's fucking life by being the one person they could trust to be there because we had been physically separated from our support group, and it was fucking grueling. We have been alone for more than a full year. And it wasn't just someone's life I saved. It was my someone.

And so I am proud of myself. (Even that is a sign of growth. 5 years ago, I could've cured cancer and still felt I was falling behind.)

I did amazing and so did my girl, but because my partner's illness was mental and not physical, half the people in my life can never understand what has happened to us here. I am aggressively proud of myself because I have to be. A lot of other people in my life don't seem to be able to see what we have accomplished here.

Terribly lonely feeling, that one. The idea that some people you love will never be able to grasp the most basic truths of your existence. Won't be able to see the thing you are most proud of in this world.

Even my sisters. Which is unthinkable to me. I don't know how long I will have to work to get them to understand that they weren't here when I needed them, and I'm furious.

And fury is just spicy grief. Or - if you wanted to not sound like Jason Mendoza from the Good Place - grief is the true name of fury. But I like Jason. And so I got like, mad tobasco-sauce type grief that makes me want to scream and breathe fire and cry and throw glass and bite things all at once.

It's just. I'm proud of how hard we worked. But we shouldn't have had to do it. The resources and people were there to make that difference, and I couldn't access them. And I was still luckier than 90% of other disabled Americans, and that was a direct result of mine and my partner's privilege.

Anyway, I still don't know anyone in this stupid fucking city and I am crippled and cranky and extremely sexy and it is 3am. I know I'm not going to be lonely forever. I will make sure of it. But right now... Right now, I am lonely.

[sfb123]

Sapere Aude - Part 11

Book: The Royal Heir

Pairing: King Liam Rys x Queen Riley Brooks

All characters belong to Pixelberry.

Catch Up Here

Series Description: I developed a theory of what I think will happen in TRH Book 4, and I was encouraged by some very lovely people to turn my theory into a fic, so here it is. Basically, Riley is recruited to join the Via Imperii, this series will follow her as she joins them to try and bring them down from the inside, and all of the drama and bombshells she learns along the way. Sapere Aude is Latin for “dare to know” it seemed like an appropriate title.

Rating: PG-13 Adult language, discussions of death, conspiracy, blackmail, and other adult themes.

Warning: The Royal Heir Book 3 Spoilers all over the place.

Disclaimer: I have no current affiliation with any other Via Imperii themed stories. Any claims that I have pre-read anything are false.

Word Count: 2,909

A/N: First of all, I have a couple of new readers (hi, thank you, I love you) if this is your first Sapere Aude, stop here, go back, and start from the beginning. This series has a lot of bombs and surprises, so none of this is going to make sense, and it’s going to make it less exciting if you aren’t reading from the beginning. 

Sorry, another long wait for a chapter. I got stuck, and distracted, and like a million other things. The Choices Insider email last week kind of lit a fire under me. When I started writing this (in December) the plan was to have it finished before the last book came out, so I have like a month to get through this. I’m going full out on getting this completed now, I will be working on nothing but this until it is done, and am hoping to finish it in time for the next book to come out so that PB has plenty of time to steal my ideas. 

This chapter took a while for me to work through, but @jessiembruno was amazing and helped me every step of the way, and got like a million rambling text messages from me once the idea dam finally broke. And then pre-reading and leaving me some amazing love notes, and super helpful suggestions. She also kept encouraging me, and pushing me to work on it when my mind would wander into new ideas, or thoughts on some other random WIP that I started throwing together. I love you, and I am so grateful for this friendship that goes way beyond any of this. By the way, you are an AMAZING writer, and I will continue to shout it from the mountain tops as long as I live. 

As always with this series, I need to thank @txemrn for pre-reading. I was having SUCH a miserable day and feeling so shitty about myself (for non-fandom reasons), and your reactions to this chapter made me laugh out loud for the first time in what felt like forever. I appreciate you so much my dear friend. 

And of course, thank you @twinkleallnight for my beautiful series moodboard. 

Tags: Listed below, you know the drill. 

Liam exited the bedroom and walked toward the sitting area. He paused at the end of the hallway to observe his wife and his daughter sitting on the couch. Riley had her blouse in hand, sewing on the button Olivia sent her for her undercover mission. She was showing Eleanor how to sew, talking her through every stitch. The princess was watching and listening intently, taking in every word her mother said. 

He leaned his right shoulder against the wall, crossing his arms over his chest as he admired his family. He didn’t understand how it was possible to fall even more in love every time he looked at them. All he wanted in this world was their happiness and safety, and now here he was, sending his wife straight to the enemy. 

“Hi Daddy!” The angelic voice of his daughter pulled him from his thoughts. 

“Hi Princess. Are you being a good helper for mommy?” He lifted Eleanor off the couch and sat in her seat, placing her on his lap. 

“Best helper a girl could ask for.” Riley held her hand out, palm up, and Eleanor gave her a high five. 

Liam enjoyed the company of his family for a few more moments, before placing a kiss on his daughter’s cheek. “Alright Eleanor, why don’t you go play in your room for a little while? Mommy and daddy have to talk about grown up things.”

“Yes, daddy. Will you come play after?” 

“Of course, I believe I am owed a tea party.” He gave her a hug before setting her down and watching her run to her room. When she was gone, he turned his attention back to Riley. “How are you feeling, love?”

Riley cut the lingering thread from the button and placed her blouse on the table in front of them before responding. “I mean, obviously I’m nervous, but I’m optimistic that I’ll come back with something we can use. How are you feeling?”

He sighed and pulled her close to him, kissing the top of her head as it landed on his chest. “Riley, I love how much you worry about me, but let me worry about you right now. Let me be your support system. Tell me truly, how are you feeling?”

“I’m...I’m terrified.” She pulled back and looked him in the eyes, tears beginning to pool in her own. “I’m trying so hard to be strong, to put on a brave face, but this is fucking terrifying. We don’t know how deep it goes, we know some of the people that are involved, but how do we know that that’s everyone?”

“You’re right, there are a lot of unknowns, and that’s scary.” He cupped her face in his hands, wiping a falling tear with his thumb. “But I truly believe that we are going to end this. That you are going to end this. Don’t forget, you are the Champion of The Realm.”

“Yeah, but I’m sleeping with the guy who makes those decisions, he may have been a little biased.” She shrugged, half joking. 

Liam removed his hands, his expression becoming more serious. “Riley, that’s not funny. You have earned every single thing you have received since you arrived in this country, our country. I don’t ever want you to believe that my feelings for you overrule my judgement when it comes to your abilities. You are the strongest person I have ever met. If anyone can do this, it’s you.”

“IF anyone can do this. What if nobody can?”

“Then we will face the fallout together. Like we always do, like we always will. We are the King and Queen of Cordonia, Liam and Riley Rys. We are a force to be reckoned with.” He raised an eyebrow as he parroted back her reassuring words from a few nights before. 

She smirked at him. “Hey, no fair, you can’t use my own words to prove your point like that.” 

“Yes I can, old negotiation tactic.” He winked at her and stood from the couch reaching for her hand. “Come on, we still have the whole day ahead of us. Let’s go have a tea party with our daughter, then I’m taking my girls out for dinner.”

****

Two days later, Riley was sitting in the back of an SUV heading toward the Fierro Estate. She was doing her best to quell her nerves, but she couldn’t help her hands from fidgeting in her lap. 

“You seem on edge, ma’am. Is everything ok?” The sound of Mara’s voice cut through the silence, startling Riley. 

“Oh...yeah, I’m fine Mara. I’m just not really sure what to expect from this meeting. Last time I went to one of these events, I found out my mother in law wasn’t actually dead. I don’t know if I could handle another surprise like that.”

Mara chuckled at her concern. “Don’t worry your majesty, this is a simple strategy meeting followed by a dinner. You have met all of the members, so there will be no surprise guests this time around.”

Riley nodded and turned her head, watching the scenery pass by as they continued to their destination. Her mind was racing thinking about what this meeting would have in store. She practiced taking pictures with the pen, and activating the recorder she had sewn into her shirt. As they got closer to the estate, she felt her heart rate speed up, and the knot in her stomach tighten.

When they arrived, Riley was ushered into the grand room, which had been set up with a large table. The other members were standing around in small groups chatting until it was time for the meeting to begin. Riley fidgeted with the pen, twirling it in her fingers before lifting it to her face and tapping it against her chin and clicking it several times. She hoped it came off as a nervous habit, providing cover for the fact that she was actually taking pictures around the room. 

She gasped and nearly jumped out of her skin at the feeling of a hand gently being placed on her shoulder. She whipped around to see Eleanor smiling softly at her. “Riley dear, I’m so sorry. I didn���t mean to startle you.”

“Oh, Eleanor. Hello.” Riley held her hand to her chest, trying to get her heart rate back to normal. “It’s ok, I’m just a little nervous. Not really sure what to expect from this meeting.”

“Don’t worry, I promise it’s just regular business, nothing earth shattering. Come on, it’s time to get this started, and you’re sitting next to me.” Eleanor wrapped her arm around Riley and led her to the table. The other guests took this as their cue to follow, as the meeting was about to get underway. As Riley sat, she adjusted her skirt and blouse, using the opportunity to activate the microphone embedded in her button. 

As the chapter president, Eleanor kicked off the meeting by greeting their newest member, Queen Riley, and explaining that she was there to help push their initiatives though with the King. Riley clenched her fist ever so slightly, a trick she used when she was trying to keep her expression neutral. They continued on, reviewing the minutes of the last meeting, it all seemed to be pretty mundane, things that wouldn't even necessarily cross hers or Liam’s desk. 

Then they opened up the floor to new business, and Neville stood to address the room. “I would like to revisit the Auvernal alliance.”

Riley was able to maintain her stoic expression, but her body tensed at the mention of Auvernal. She and Liam had made it perfectly clear that there would be no alliance. “I don’t believe there is anything to revisit there.” She chimed in. “King Liam and I determined that the alliance would not be beneficial for Cordonia.”

“Actually, I believe you determined the alliance would not be beneficial to you and your husband.” Neville rebutted, crossing his arms over his chest. “You didn’t want to marry off your daughter, you didn’t bother thinking of what the alliance could bring to our country.”

“Are you questioning the decisions of your monarchs? I urge you to remember your station, Lord Neville.” Riley raised an eyebrow and stood a bit taller. 

Neville scoffed at her threat. “And I urge you to remember that you may have slept your way to the top in Cordonia, but the Via Imperii is bigger than the monarchy, and in this society, I outrank you.”

“Well, if being the Queen doesn’t matter in this room, then there is nothing stopping me from coming over there and beating your a...”

“Ok ok ok, let’s all calm down here.” Eleanor grabbed Riley’s arm, stopping her from charging at Neville. “Let’s all sit down and have a rational conversation, weighing out the pros and cons of an alliance.” Riley and Neville both sat down and exchanged narrow glances. “Now Neville, since you have brought this proposal to the group, you will go first. Please explain to us your thought process on revisiting the alliance.”

Neville nodded and smirked at Riley. “It is clear that combining the financial security of Cordonia with the military strength of Auvernal would make us an unstoppable force. Besides, we need the extra protection given our country’s recent history.” He glared at Riley once again.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Riley huffed. 

“Look at the instability we have faced in recent years. Our crown prince abdicated, his successor, our current king, broke off a perfectly suitable engagement to marry a foreign commoner who was marred in scandal.”

“He released a statement that cleared that whole thing up. The scandal is irrelevant.” She could feel her cheeks heating up.

“Do you really think people stopped talking about it? You can’t really believe that it won’t be a part of your legacy as our Queen.” 

Riley slouched down in her seat. She knew she should remain composed, but bringing up the Tariq scandal hit a nerve that she didn’t know still existed. One of her biggest concerns in continuing her relationship with Liam, and accepting his proposal, was that his success as King would be overshadowed by the scandal she had faced. She had thought that after all these years, it would have been forgotten, but Neville bringing it up just brought everything back up and made her realize it would be something that was attached to her name forever. 

“Besides the personal problems our royal family has faced, there have been multiple attempts to overthrow them just within our own country. Sons of Earth, Duke Godfrey, Barthelemy Beaumont, just to name a few. Other countries are seeing this, and it won’t be long before they try to come for us as well.” Neville continued. 

“While I don’t agree with his delivery, Lord Neville does make some valid points.” Emmeline interjected, the rest of the room began murmuring in agreement. Riley couldn’t hide her shocked expression as she felt tears start to build up in her eyes. She blinked them away, she was not going to give them the satisfaction of seeing their queen cry. 

Eleanor took back control of the room before turning to Riley. “Riley, would you like to counter? You and Liam worked directly with Auvernal during the marriage alliance talks, you clearly have some insight that we may not be privy to.”

Riley took a deep breath to get her emotions under control before standing to address the room. “Aside from the fact that Bradshaw and Isabella are deplorable people with hell spawn children, the main reason that we decided an alliance was not in the best interest of Cordonia, was because it was clear that their interest was not an alliance, but a hostile takeover of our country.”

“Perhaps we would prosper under their rule. I haven’t heard of any coup attempts in Auvernal, it seems to me like they’re doing something right.” Neville spoke up. 

“So that’s it then? You all think Bradshaw and Isabella would do a better job as your king and queen, so I’m just supposed to convince Liam to relinquish the throne?” Riley threw her hands up in frustration and stepped away from the table. 

“Your majesty, we’re not making the final decision right here, right now, we just want to remain open to the idea and explore some options.” Emmeline tried to talk Riley down. “Perhaps you and King Liam could take a meeting with them, a friendly lunch maybe, just to open the lines of communication.”

“This is ridiculous. I can’t believe you all expect me to agree with this!” Riley was now pacing the room, overcome with a nervous energy.

Eleanor stood and lifted a hand to quiet the room. “Alright, that’s enough. I think we’ve gotten as far as we’re going to get with this conversation tonight. Dinner is being set out in the dining hall. I suggest we adjourn for the day. Let’s all compose ourselves and think about all sides of this conversation. We will pick up the conversation at the next meeting.”

As the members started filing out of the room, Eleanor approached Riley and gently placed her hand on her arm to keep her still. “Are you alright Riley?” 

Riley shrugged Eleanor’s hand off of her, anger clear on her face. “Of course I’m not alright. I basically just had a room full of my subjects telling me that my husband and I are doing a shitty job, and they think those monsters are better suited to look out for their best interests. Of course I’m not fucking alright!” Riley moves in closer, lowering her voice but not losing any of the anger in her tone. “I thought you were here doing this to protect Liam. Do you really think that this is protecting him? Handing his kingdom over to Auvernal?!”

“Riley, I always have Liam’s best interests at heart, I promise you that. Why don’t you head home, take a couple of days to relax and take everything in. I will set up a meeting for you and I later this week to talk about everything and work out a game plan.”

“Fine, I can’t stay here anymore anyway. And I definitely don’t have an appetite for dinner.” Riley walked out of the room, looking for Mara so that they could get back to the palace. She stepped into the dining area and saw Mara standing in the far corner talking to Neville. She clenched her jaw and took a deep breath before approaching the pair. “Mara, we will not be staying for dinner. We are returning to the palace immediately. I want to be home to put my daughter to bed.” She wasn’t going to give Neville the satisfaction of knowing she was leaving because of what he started. 

“Of course, your majesty.” Mara nodded and exited with Riley. 

The ride home was silent. In all the years that Mara had worked for Riley, she had never seen her this upset. She wasn’t entirely sure how to handle it, or what would be considered overstepping her duties, so she decided to stay quiet and let Riley speak, if she wanted to. She didn’t. 

They arrived at the palace and walked together to the royal quarters. As Riley placed her hand on the doorknob to enter, Mara cleared her throat to get her attention. “Your majesty, I know this was a difficult evening for you, but I do feel I need to remind you that discretion is key in the Via Imperii. His majesty cannot know what happened tonight. You will need to lock those feelings away for the time being.”

Riley pressed her lips into a thin line and nodded. She knew she was going to fall into Liam's arms and cry the second she saw him, and then she would tell him everything, but she couldn’t let Mara know that. “Liam and I will be staying in for the rest of the night. You are dismissed for the evening.” Riley walked into her quarters and shut the door before Mara had a chance to respond. 

As soon as she closed the door, she leaned back against it and dropped her head into her hands. Liam came walking into the room, the smile that appeared on his face when he heard the front door open quickly faded as he took in the sight of his wife sobbing at the front door. “Riley?” She looked up at him, tears streaming down her face as she tried to catch her breath. He rushed over to her and pulled her close, she buried her head in his chest as he stroked her hair and kissed the top of her head trying unsuccessfully to soothe her. “Shhhh, it’s alright love, I’m right here, I’ve got you. Tell me what happened.”

Riley could barely speak, but she slowly tried to explain everything that had happened that night. Liam walked her to the couch as she spoke, she needed to sit, anything to help her relax and calm down. He stared at her in disbelief as he listened to his wife tearfully recap her evening. 

On the other side of the door, Mara pulled her phone out of her jacket pocket, selecting one of the contacts and bringing the phone to her ear. “My lord, you were right. We will need to put your plan in motion.”

Permatag:

@anjanettexcordonia @athena-penrose @bbrandy2002 @chemist-ana​ @choicesficwriterscreations​ @choiceskatie​ @cordonia-gothqueen​ @cordoniaqueensworld​ @emkay512​ @gabesmommie1130​ @gkittylove99​ @hopelessromanticmonie​ @iaminlovewithtrr​ @jessiembruno​ @kat-tia801​ @khoicesbyk​ @kingliam2019​ @lucy-268​ @marshmallowsaremyfavorite​ @mile9213​ @mom2000aggie​ @pixie88​ @queenrileyrose​ @secretaryunpaid​ @sweatyrysconnoisseur​ @tessa-liam​ @theroyalheirshadowhunter​ @twinkleallnight​ @txemrn​

Sapere Aude:

@burnsoslow @busywoman @gardeningourmet @ofpixelsandscribbles

Liam x Riley:

@jared2612

Liam:

@amandablink @yourmajesty09

[bookwyrminspiration]

is it still council-hating hours? even if not, this is something that's been bothering me for....so long. and i am going to explode if i don't say it right now. (In fact i actually have a doc titled "council incompetence rant" that is. getting a little long.)

One of the things that annoys me the most in Keeper is how utterly incompetent the Council is. They are shit at their jobs! They don't make sense! And that would be fine if that was something that was explored and talked about in the story, but it's not?

Like, sure, it's brushed on a little, but Keeper never goes in-depth in order to explain just how flawed and corrupt the system is! We have no idea how far the rot goes because we haven't been given a chance to see how far it goes, and despite the earlier books being really great setup for all kinds of plots and discussions surrounding the Council, it feels like Messenger is completely dropping that in favor of..."Neverseen Bad, Council + Black Swan Good". Which I call fucking bullshit on, by the way, because this series has gone to pretty decent lengths before to show that it's not the case! So WHY are we getting to that now?

Well, I think all of this is the symptom of a bigger problem.

Note: I don't want to be mean, and please tell me if I'm being too critical here, but this series has some serious problems actually delivering on what it's saying.

Like, it's trying to tell us that Sophie shouldn't be doing all this because she's a kid, but then it treats her very own existence as a project as background information when that should absolutely be at the forefront (like it was in earlier books)!

It's trying to tell us that discrimination against the Talentless is bad, but then every single member of it's cast has an ability, has a strong ability, and regularly uses their ability! Even Dex, who could have easily been talentless and good with tech, gets to be a Super Good Gadget Person thanks to his ability as opposed to his own creativity and ingenuity.

It's trying to tell us that maybe banishing children is bad, but also tells us that Exillium is now """fixed""" because Oralie gave them...better tents? Food? And never touches on the fact that children are still. getting. banished. It doesn't explore Tam's anger in detail, Linh is only there to be the token asian girl, it does nothing to fully dispel any thought of the Council being alright.

And it's trying to tell us that the Council fucks up, it's showing us that Councillors have no problem being incredibly selfish and violent and so many other terrible things, but that never changes. Nothing in Keeper is changing. It is only maintaining the status quo!

I'm confused as to what Messenger is trying to tell her readers! Are the Council good or bad? Is working with the Council good or bad? Are the Black Swan and Neverseen actually morally grey? Should I be angry at what's happening in these books? Am I meant to look at all the rot and shrug because "that's just how it is"?

And like...I wouldn't be mad if Keeper was just...bad! I mean, I would, but I wouldn't be as distraught! What really grinds my gears is that Keeper has the chance to be good. It has the chance to do great things - and at times it absolutely does! - but it keeps reinforcing belief in a deeply flawed and broken system that is regularly hurting people. And those examples were just off the top of my head!

And again, if this was explored within the series, that would be amazing, but the problem is that it's...not. And that's just...a real fuckin' shame, honestly.

- pyro

(sorry if this was like...too angry? i started and then kinda just...couldn't stop. i should probably get a hobby that's not tearing a middle grade series apart. oops.)

it may have been over a week since you sent this (thank you for being patient with me!!), but fuck yes it is still council hating hours. it is always council hating hours in this household that is not actually a house. (also that incompetence rant sounds intriguing)

yes! you are right! they are so bad at what they're supposed to be doing it's like they're just figures for people to look to and say "yea they'll take care of it" to keep everyone else from acting out! but it's really interesting to see a government so awful and incompetent be such an integral and influential part of the story...without acknowledging that they're actually really bad? I know in Unlocked there's a line where Shannon says something like "Sophie had to figure out who the bad guys were: the black swan? the council? someone else entirely?" but then it's never touched on again that I can remember. Thinking through the series, I honestly can't think of a situation that the council, of their own volition, saw was an issue and corrected in a way that was beneficial to those who needed it. Like yea, Oralie gave money to Exillium, but that was after Sophie chewed her out about it. I think i've said it before but in case not: it feels like they've taken the "for the good of the many over the good of the few" ideology too far in a society that doesn't work for. If someone threatens the majority (and often that's just in appearance only) they get rid of them to preserve the image of the rest. It doesn't care about their people, it cares about the majority of people feeling undisturbed.

considering Sophie is part of a huge organization created literally because their society, led by that system, isn't working for a lot of people, they (the Black Swan) sure do go along with the council a whole lot. I think one of the linked posts in one of my masterposts is specifically about how making the Black Swan work so closely with the council screwed them over and completely undermined everything they were working towards. I'm going to make a very vague comparison here, but the Black Swan feel like "we need to fix the system" while the Neverseen are "the system is broken lets start over" (except the Neverseen added a lot more violence into the mix). It's absolutely infuriating to have them working side by side: one, because the Black Swan aren't accomplishing any of their goals and should cut their losses and go back to being mysterious underground groups with more freedom to move (in my opinion), but two, because it makes the council seem like it's trying to fix things when really it feels like a publicity thing to make the public think they're addressing the rebel issue while they're really just showing up in places and causing problems. And!! that's another thing! it feels like their collaboration with the Black Swan is to address the problem of having rebels, not the problems these rebels have identified and are trying to fix. Unfortunately, it seems the council is getting their way more than the Black Swan, getting them to act more legally and work closer with less room for working outside the system. if that makes sense.

considering it's literally stated in unlocked that there is no "good" and "bad," there does seem to be a lot of focus on associating the Black Swan with being Right, and the Neverseen with being Wrong. I can hope that it's the outward reactions to the Black Swan realizing they've done some fucked up stuff (Sophie) and are now overcompensating and trying to make sure their every move is the correct one. But I do think it will be interesting to see if Sophie makes the connection in canon (as she's already started to) that there isn't always a right option, there's just the best you can do with a situation and the Black Swan's insistence that she was "in the wrong" (a summary) helps her realize her own values and think through their decisions with her own perspective instead of just trusting them

response to your note: you're fine! you bring up a good point that this book sounds like it wanted to be a unique perspective (by having the "good guys" also be questionable and give the "bad guys" reasonable motives) but the execution misses the mark for a lot of us. so you're qualms and observations are entirely valid and I don't think you're being mean at all! I think you're expressing a frustration you have with something, which I support and encourage.

at times it feels like Shannon bit off more than she could chew in terms of all the complicated things she could get into when it comes to this series. not saying she's doing a bad job or a horrible author or anything, just that there are some things she introduced that kind of get left behind or unexplored because there's so much else going on. I think we can see that in the whole being experiment part of Sophie life. we saw sophie was uncomfortable with it in the first few books and would sometimes bring it up, but I personally would've been more satisfied if she'd either taken the time to process it (opposed to her think about that later strategy) or come to the realization that no, she isn't okay with it and she deserves to have her thoughts on the matter heard. she was literally created to serve someone elses purpose, and brought into the fight too early at that. and yet it's treated like an "oopsie, guess we just gotta go with it" thing, like this minor part of her story when I bet her thinking about it for more than a minute at a time would absolutely wreck her. but I'm getting caught up in this, so moving on!

I think we can see it in the talentless too, as it's treated like a "that doesn't affect me" thing for Sophie. because she doesn't have any friends that are talentless right now--the closest she's got is Marella, who I think is still legally considered talentless with her pyrokinesis. it's been acknowledged that she doesn't think the way talentless are treated is right, but it doesn't impact her right now so she's not really doing anything about it. maybe if this was brought back later with someone like Jensi, then that would be a satisfying conclusion to this issue (not a conclusion, but it wouldn't be left hanging, if that makes sense). And I can understand the benefit of leaving things open to go back and explore later from a writers perspective, but at a certain point it becomes more of a hindrance to the story than anything else.

and exillium! I have so many thoughts on Exillium that I actually started talking about it earlier in this post. They're not doing anything unless prompted and what they do is the bare minimum. With the tents and the food, they aren't fixing Exillium, they're making it into what it should've been at the very least were they going to actually go down that route. So I can't praise them for it when it's just basic decency to provide literal children with food and shelter when you force them to be somewhere they don't want to. But all this doesn't fix Exillium, because the problem is that it exists in the first place. The problem is that the council saw children who were struggling, and decided the best thing to do with them was to just get them out of the way for everyone else. Three coaches total for leadership? yeah, there's no way that place was ever supposed to be "alternate learning" or however Oralie phrased it, that was just so you could say you hadn't completely abandoned them in the middle of nowhere.

you're so right about the council fucks up bit--I think the most obvious example of this is with Sophie's ability restrictor. Yea, she's not wearing it anymore, but that's not because the council changed their minds. It's because she broke the law and the didn't punish her for it. this is a great example of how things keep trying to move forward, but the council isn't doing anything to stay up with it. "they are selfish and violent[...] but that never changes." yes!! this!! you put it so well! the council is still the same old council that we saw in book one, concerned with their own interests and their own views, just trying to mitigate the damage Sophie and her friends are capable of doing to their system. Note: the fact that a handful of teenagers who haven't even graduated can do this much damage might be telling of the structural integrity of their system. Bronte and Terik did a little flip, and Alina replaced the Now Crispy Kenric, but aside from that nothing has changed.

I will say, I personally don't want it to be clear who the good guys and bad guys are. (not saying that's what you're asking for! just piggybacking off your comment on the confusion). I'm glad that the characters make me think and I'm grateful there isn't just the "we're good and they're bad" element you see in other stories. not that that's bad, i just think realistically they'd be more complex and their simplicity grows repetitive after a while. But like I said, at times it feels like there's too much going on for there to be a clear message, which in and of itself could be the message. i could be seeing something where there's nothing, though. I think part of it might be Shannon trying to take on all these complex narratives and perspectives with a limited perspective (as in she only has Sophie to tell the story through), while also needing to make it enjoyable and palletable to a young audience.

and I agree with you! I think it's a lot of the potential we see not being used that makes us so infuriated (or me at least). Because there are some stories yo uread where you're like "ah. it's just one of those stories. cool." and you move past it. Because you know it's going to have a set perspective and you know it's going to accomplish what it wants, but Keeper seems to have so many possibilities and Shannon's getting stuck in this rut of good and bad after so long. maybe we'll get out of it in the next book with sophie thinking the Black Swan was in the wrong, but I also wouldn't be surprised if that Didn't Happen.

it's just like what i was saying about Ro! There's all these opportunities for these characters and this world to be really explored and fleshed out and complex, but we've gotten stuck in this romance drama and loosing fights again and again with little progress. All their actions are undoing the Neverseen's actions and counting it a victory because no one is dead. I just think there could be so much more that we're not getting because the story tried to go too broad when it wasn't ready for it.

this response got very long but in essence: I agree with your assessment of the story. is frustrating to see so many of the details and paths we'd like to see explored that often aren't in fiction just pass us by.

there is a special place for keeper in my heart and I will always appreciate it for that, but I also mourn what it could've been.

(also: you are not too angry! you have genuine thoughts about this series and they deserve to be heard! we are allowed to have complaints, even about the things we like. we don't have to appreciate every single aspect and we're allowed to be mad at the things we don't like.)

[anonnimbus-cloud]

I just finished watching STRANGER THINGS S4 VOL.2 and I gotta say I'm dissapointed but not surprised...

Things I loved about it...

- Lumax scenes

- Steve and Robin bffs

- Eddie and Dustin scenes

- Papa death (finally)

- Eddie's solo concert

- Argyle

- The entire Russian group (Hopper, Joyce, Murray, and Enzo)

- Jonathan and Will's brother's moment

- Eddie's death (better than going back to the normal world where he was still being blamed as a murderer, at least he'll also be with Chrissy)

- Dustin talking to Eddie's uncle (that made me cry more than Eddie's death, cause Eddie's death was expected but the fact that his uncle believed he was innocent from the start and how much he loved Eddie that he wouldn't stop looking for him is just... made me cry so much)

- Nancy and Jonathan reunion

Things I very much disliked about it...

- Mike being a shitty friend to Will

- STEVE AND NANCY POSSIBLY BEING PUSH BACK TOGETHER (WHY... Why are they attempting this... 3 seasons of building up Nancy and Jonathan together and Steve had amazing character growth when he accepted that Nancy wanted to be Jonathan and had truly cared for the kids. I love Steve, but there are times that I rather he'd die saving someone than him ending up back with Nancy.

I have nothing against Nancy, she is a strong character I enjoy watching her. But basically Nancy and Jonathan got together because Steve couldn't understand the stuff she was going through with Barb's death and the Upside-Down things. Now they're hinting that Steve and Nancy might get back together cause Jonathan is not present in her life for 8 months. Plus someone pointed out to me that "how could Nancy want to be with Steve, when going with Steve in s1 is the reason that Barb died, which basically is still apparently haunting her in s4... UGHHHH... I really don't want them to end up back together because of so much issues. I will only accept it if like they're in their 40-50's where they have dealt with their indiviual issues)

- How they baited Will's having feelings for Mike and nothing happened and using that to further Mike and El's relationship

- Max's speech about Billy, it just hurts me on so many levels that I actually tuned out. Like really? You're telling me an 18 year old kid who was constantly abused by his father derserved to die? And his last moment of choosing to save El despite the mental torture he went through the entire s3 with the mind flayer was for nothing... Billy was an abused kid, he lashed out because he had no support system... I love Billy because he was a complex character with so many layers, I wanted to see him live and let his walls slowly break down until we get the Billy that was happy when his mom was still with him. I wanted to see him have true friends and become a big brother to Max. I wanted him loved. I thought Max had love for Billy because of S4E4 "Dear Billy", but it turns out that she didn't write the letter cause she felt guilty of not being able to save Billy but it's actually about her not trying to save Billy because she didn't think Billy deserved to be saved?!?!? ( I'm so hurt by this)

- Will's painting is BS cause Mike is not the Heart of their group, leader, yes in s1... Rest of the following seasons he's like a whinny baby

- Eddie's death (knew it would happen but was still painful)

*** I'm emotionally exhausted so now Imma rest and just continue on with what I usually do when shows dissapoint me, which is I'm going to live in fan fictions cause the writers there write better and have more respect on the show's characters than the actuall writers

[sofreddie]

This Is How We Heal (Part 13 - Final)

Summary: Jared and Reader meet due to an unfortunate accident. They talk and end up leaning on one another because they feel no one else understands.

Characters: Jared, Jensen, Reader

Warnings: Fluff

Word Count: 1,445

A/N: I have finally reached the end of this arduous journey. This fic, and those that have commented along the way, have helped me to heal and process my own grief. Thank you so much to everyone who read and commented and joined in the journey.

Series Masterlist

My Masterlist

PART 12

Jared was glad to be doing the regular convention circuit once more. He missed his friends, the energy, the fans. It had taken him quite a while to be able to get to this point.

He knew there would be questions so he needed to make sure he could handle it. It helped to have Jensen with him.

As they took the stage for their panel, the fans erupted in cheers, happy to see Jared once more. He smiled brightly, waving at them and enjoying their energy.

Jensen stood just to the side, arms in pose as if 'presenting' Jared to the crowd. Then he clapped along with the fans, welcoming him back. They settled into their seats and began talking wit the fans. It wasn't long before a fan asked how he was doing after everything.

"Well, it's been tough, that's for sure," Jared laughed lightly, "But I had Jensen and Danneel and all of you," he paused to smile as they cheered and clapped for him.

"Y/N has been a big part of that too," Jensen chimed in with a nod, "Our little family's own guardian angel."

"She's a huge part of it," Jared agreed, "She pulled me and my kids from the wreckage. We're all still alive because of her," he wiped a stray tear as Jensen patted him on the back reassuringly, "And she's been my best friend every step through this."

"She was in the other car," Jensen explained to gasps from the crowd, "She lost her husband too. Yet, she still managed to keep us all strong and going."

"She actually encouraged me with AKF and getting back to work and conventions." Everyone cheered and Jared was grateful for the support. The fans backed him completely and it only made him feel more blessed.

They continued through the panel and before long, they were backstage, ready to wrap up the event.

"You look ready to get home," Jensen teased with a laugh.

"I miss the kids," Jared admitted with a sigh. Though he facetimed with them regularly, it just wasn't the same.

"Mmhmm," Jensen smirked, "And it's got nothing to do with the new girlfriend waiting at home?"

Jared grinned despite himself, "Yeah, I miss her too."

Y/N sat in one of the chairs of the circle. She looked around at the empty chairs and took a deep breath. It had been a while since she'd been back to the hospital or the meetings, but this time was different.

Several people started filing in and taking their seats. Y/N sipped on the cheap cup of coffee as she waiting for everyone to get settled. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly before opening her eyes and smiling at the group.

"Hello," she greeted, "My name is Y/N Y/L/N and I am a grief counselor here at the hospital."

It had taken so much for her to get through her own pain and issues. Now that she was healing, she wanted to be there for others, like she had been for Jared. Like he had been for her.

"I've actually been in this group before," she stated, "So I understand where you're coming from. When I first came here, I didn't want to be here. But I needed it."

"Having a support system is so very important. But it also helps to have friends and acquaintances outside of your normal life that you can talk and share with."

"It's not an easy road," she sighed and shook her head, "And there's no set time frame for how long it takes you to heal. You heal in your own way and at your own pace. Don't let others set timetables for you. Just keep moving forward, everyday."

She went around the room, allowing each person to introduce themselves if they saw fit. Some did, some did not. As she looked around the room, there were all new faces. But the familiarity of their grief, their pain, their struggle. They were the same.

When she had decided to go to the hospital and talk to Mrs. Warren, her own grief counselor, she realized she wanted to help others. With the support of Jared and the others, she enrolled in a class to become a counselor.

Although she was nervous, and a part of her was trying to climb back into her trauma just from being there, she pushed on. She needed to focus on building a life, doing something other than wallowing. The thought of helping others made her heart sing with purpose.

Sharing your grief and guilt can be so very hard. Whether with family or a room full of strangers. It's easy to feel like others don't understand or don't care. It's easy to be blinded by the grief and let it consume all that you are.

Fighting is hard. Getting up every day and putting one foot in front of the other is hard. Especially when your grief feels like a ton of bricks on your shoulders holding you down. But it can be done. She was proof of that. So she would pass her healing onto others.

After her spa weekend with Dani, Y/N spent all night staying up with Jared as they lay in bed and talk. She told him about her revelations, what happened with Sara, and how she felt about it all.

Jared was so proud, congratulating her and making her revelations a huge deal. She tried to play it down, but Jared wouldn't let her.

"Jay and Dani said we should celebrate progress."

It was then that she kissed him. Not the sweet, chaste kisses to which they'd become accustomed. No, she kissed him with a passion that made his heart jump.

They made love that night, in the bed they'd shared every night for so long now. Jared had begged her to be his, to be with him for real and completely.

This time, it was easy for her to say yes.

Y/N smiled to herself as she walked through the peaceful cemetery. The warm sun shone down on her. It had been a while since she'd been here. There was usually a sense of dread and guilt and foreboding weighing down on her with every step.

Now, her steps felt lighter. The air felt fresh. The quiet and tranquil memorial park no longer hurt. Now, it welcomed her, to visit those that had passed and pay her respects.

She stopped in front of a large headstone, knelt down to place flowers on the grave and remove the old, dried ones.

"Sorry it's been a while," she said with a small smile, "I've been busy lately. I started as a counselor if you can believe that," she laughed, "I think you'd be proud."

"Liam is doing well too. He's making friends, doing great in school, growing like a weed," she chuckled, "I see so much of you in him sometimes."

She grinned and stood, placing a hand on top of the headstone, "We're gonna be okay," she promised. She glanced over the engravings on the stone, letting her fingers run over his name, Brian.

She turned to leave, starting her slow trek back towards her car. She suddenly stopped, turning her head towards the other grave she knew across the way. She bit her lip, before walking over and stopping in front of the other headstone.

"Hey Gen," she smiled politely. She had so much she wanted to say. She wanted to tell her she forgave herself. She wanted to tell her how amazing her friends and family are and how lucky she feels to be a part of their lives. She wanted to tell her how much she adores her children. How she would go mother bear in an instant over them. She wanted to tell her that she wished there was more she could have done, but she knew she did all she could.

Instead, she hoped Gen knew all of that. That may be someway, she could see her, see all of them. So she made a promise instead.

"I'll take care of them. All of them. I'll do my very best to keep the pain away and soothe it when it's there. I'll be there. I promise."

It was a big thing for her. A promise to stay. A promise to care for them. A promise to care for herself so she could care for them.

But she would try, every day, to live up to it.

Sometimes grief can be a long and arduous journey. But as long as you keep moving forward, keep working through it, one day you'll find yourself healed.

Forevers:

@sis-tafics

@lyarr24

@calaofnoldor

@hobby27

@spnbaby-67

RPF:

@smoothdogsgirl

[verobatto]

A road too hard to walk

Sam's leadership journey

14x15 Peace of Mind spoiler. Sam's meta

Hi! I'm here again, this is my fourth meta (ugh!) About the last episode Peace of mind.

This meta is dedicated to the Anon who requested me more Sam meta, so this is four you! 💕💕

If you want to read my other metas ABOUT this episode, here are the links.

I made a promise (Castiel's meta-Destiel meta)

Did you noticed the difference? Sam/Cas vs Dean/Cas

Kissing you goodbye. Lovers separation (Destiel meta. Visual narrative meta)

The boy with a dream

We know Sam's destiny from the beginning was to rule an army and Hell. To be a leader. But he always was the rebellious child, it was obvious he wouldn't fulfill any forced destiny.

The idea of follow a different path grew strong in him, that's why he decided not to join his father and his brother and having a normal life.

He really tried, but again his truly destiny was chasing after him from the very beginning. And he was dragged again into the hunter life, not because he wanted to, but because he needed to fullfil his revenge, as his father did. Repeating his father story, even if he had disapproved him.

Gif credit @stardustcas

The boy with a destiny

When Sam came back from the dark side, from drinking demon blood upgrading his psyquic powers, there was still another destiny chasing after him: LEADERSHIP. But not just any leader, but Hell's king, as Lucifer vessel.

Although every cell of his body fought against his destiny, he ended by saying yes to Lucifer, using all his strengths to take control over his own body helped by family love. And he jumped into that Hell's hole, saving the world and receiving the redemption he deserved. He is a hero.

Pic credit @spn-idjits-guide-to-hunting 👇

The man with a mission

In season 12 we finally saw him as a leader. It was just one episode, but Sammy showed us his skills in the leadership. And it fits him perfectly. I think we all know that the whole time. Because Sammy is an innate leader. He is smart, strong, he evaluates each decision and he has this empathic way when he talks with people.

In season 14 we saw Sammy's leadership in all it's splendor, he even had developed a system to keep the connection between hunter and the bunker, filming the missions and reporting constantly.

Dean was amazed and felt proud of him, but also Sammy received critics and judgment from AUBobby in 14x05, representing John Winchester btw, and showing Sam's inner fears for being responsible for so many people's lives.

Gif credit @yorusgolden

But a leader will always receive critics, for his position, and bc all his decisions affects a group.

A man with faith

He always is looking for another way out, even when things are hard, he is the one keeping hopes up, searching, investigating. He is constantly fighting, and rarely he give up, because he learned to fight till the end from his brother, and even from his father too, whom never gave up trying to get revenge.

In the beginning of the show, firsts seasons, he was a very angry character, affected by demon blood and the pain of loosing Jesse.

After being in hell and solving the soulless issue, Sammy developed a very calm mood, always trying to help people, and empathizing with them. Showing a virtuous strength, which had helped him to resist in the cage the tortures from Michael and Lucifer.

He is very controlled about what he feels, and moderate in showing it. But there's situations he had been going through, mostly these last season, in which we had seen him broken.

Recalling when they losing Mary by the end of season 12 (after saying to her he felt complete having his mom with him), losing Jack (his adopted son) in 14x08, trying to convince Dean to not use the Mal'ak box in 14x12 and losing all his "army" in 14x14. Every one of these episodes had something in common: IMPOTENCE. When Sam feels he can't do something to fix things, he breaks. Beacuse he is the one solving the situations, doing research, trying to figure out things, but when he sees there's no way out, he breaks...

Talking about "Peace of Mind"...

In the last episode, Sammy was again in that emotional state in which you could say, he was about to break. Having visions about your dead friends in the bunkers isn't something that happens like nothing. He was struggling inside with his "failure as a leader" , so he tried to run away from the place that Remember him his failure and his impotence.

When we saw the poster from "Charming Acres", and we had two excelent meta about it from @drsilverfish here and @poorreputation here. I first saw the color (yellow, related with Sam). So that will be the place where SAM COULD REACH A FAKE HAPPINESS AND A FAKE PEACE OF MIND FROM ALL HIS GHOSTS.

The man with a destiny

As we had been talking about, Sammy fights against his destiny, but he ends always by embracing it, against his will... This season begins like this...

Sammy naming himself as new King of Hell, maybe not being so conscious about the height of his own words... He is embracing symbolically what he was rejecting all his life. Fullfil his destiny.

Please check the following spec I wrote about Sammy, is here, because this clues I saw in the last episode, supports my theory...

So... We had

The boy King destiny ruling Hell

Sammy "losing"? His powers as psyquic

The psyquic girl in season 12 and Sam talking with her about his psyquic past thing.

Season 12 leader of hunters episode.

Season 14 episode 5 Sam talks about that psyquic old man from season 8.

Season 14 call back to season 4 and 5 (Sammy's destiny again)

That post in episode 300 an eye inside a triangle with the word psyquic on it.

Season 14 begins with Sammy "accidentally" naming himself as the new King of Hell.

The last episode was about a psyquic.

Coincidences? I don't think so, this proves Sammy's destiny is many chasing after him again. Let's see.

A man with a family

So Justin Smith was living a "happy" life, Sammy wanted to scape from the hard and sad reality he was living, and that was perfect for him. Brainwashed, new life, the life he wanted in his past. Lying to himself. The mind control was strong... Till CAS appears again.

And there's three olives on the martini, and not just two, as always... (Letting the menáge a troi meaning, I found it very interesting Sam pointed WE ARE THREE DEAN, CAS AND ME)

And there was that beautiful parallel with 10x22...

Gif credit @agusvedder

Gif credit @angelkurenai

Castiel, the best friend Sammy ever had, is who made him break from mind control mentioning him: FAMILY (JACK AND DEAN) AND HIS FAILURES AS A LEADER empathizing with him, he talked to Sam as a Commander to another Commander, as a friend to another friend, and as a brother to a brother. Mentioning KEEP FIGHTING, It's a call to Sam's essence. FAITH, KEEP FIGHTING, FINDING ANOTHER WAY, KEEP FIGHTING. That's what brought Sammy back. His family, his mission, his destiny, his choices.

To conclude

Sam is a hero, he had walked a path full of pain and hard moments, but that's what built in him the grown up character we are seeing now.

He is a generous, empathic, smart, insightful person who not matters what, keeps his faith and keeps fighting.

He can break when he feels IMPOTENCE, and he is always searching for another way to solve situations.

He had always fought back his destiny, but the story showed us he ends doing it anyway (like leadership).

I would love to see him in a big role as getting back his powers, would be interesting beacuse the improvement of his character was huge, and adding his psyquic powers to it plus the little detail he named himself (accidentally) as King of Hell could lead us to a wonderful end game for him.

I hope you like it, is my first Sam's meta here, so please feel free to comment.

I'm preparing too a post with the two huge specs I have, with all the clues I could recollected with the help of my friends.

C-u! 😘💕

Buenos Aires March 18th 2019 9:48 PM

Tagging @metafest @gneisscastiel @mrsaquaman187 @magnificent-winged-beast @emblue-sparks @agusvedder @weirddorkylittlediana @michyribeiro @castiellover20 @whyjm @koshisekisen @legendary-destiel @a-bit-of-influence @thatwitchydestielfan @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @lykanyouko @evvvissticante @cheerstofandomfamily @drsilverfish @savannadarkbaby @angelneedshunter @trickster-archangel

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