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mydadisanalcoholic · 4 years ago

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I haven't been on here for a while and I have just gone back and re read my last 4 posts. I was really shocked when reading them at how angry and frantic they feel. I don't feel like that currently, which is wonderful and reading those has made it even more obvious to me how far I have come in the last few months. My Dad's addiction had taken over my life, that and having to care for his elderly mum (who he lives with) who has early onset Alzheimer's. I have just finished a few months work on myself in the form or Art Therapy and attending my monthly support group and I honestly feel like a new person. Just before my turning point I had managed to get the social workers involved with them both to remove my Dad from my Nana's house as it is not safe for him to live there with her. My Nana's Alzheimer’s is in the early stages so she is currently only forgetting a few short term things, however she is 89 but as long as she can make her own decisions no one else can make my Dad leave her house. Therefore, it is her decision, the amount of times she has rang me saying he needs to be removed, I will contact the social worker and then she has changed her mind again, partly because he’s her son but also because he has manipulated her into keeping him there. Not helping the situation is that she is in complete denial, when my dad says he hasn’t had a drink, even if he’s laid on the sofa unable to move from it she will still believe him. He’s often so drunk he has passed out and has wet himself or he is shouting and swearing at her, I’ve even witnessed him throw things at her before.He falls down the stairs, he falls into things. It's dangerous. Before we were able to remove my dad from the house the social workers had been visiting for months trying to get rid of him but he refused. There was one occasion when I was there with them and my Nana finally admitted she wanted him to go. I had to take him to Salvation Army to declare him homeless (which really does make you feel like the worst person in the world) never in my life did I think I would be doing that with my Dad, listening to the guy explain he would be going to a hostel which he would have to leave everyday between the hours of 9-6, during a pandemic, when there is literally no where for him to go apart from the streets, it completely breaks you but you know you have to do it otherwise he will never get better from this. They didn’t have anywhere for him for a few hours so I had to take him back to my nana's until there was a space available later in the day. In the time I had driven home (a 5 minute car journey) my Nana had called my phone 5 times, she had decided she wanted him to stay with her- he had gone in crying and she had taken him straight back. A few weeks later the social worker tried again and this time took a Police support officer with her which helped and made my Nana stick to her word this time. My Dad was taken back to Salvation and put in a hostel straight away so he didn’t get chance to go back to her. The place sounded horrendous, the exact opposite of where an addict should be put if there was any hope of them getting better. However my dad had finally it seemed hit his ‘rock bottom’, he didn’t have a choice but to get better or to die. This ‘tough love’ approach started to work , he didn't have a choice now, he still refused rehab but was engaging with the alcohol support services a lot more. We went for a few walks with him and he was sober each time, he was well presented and clean, a state I had not seen him in for a long time. This situation however made my Nana worse and she was beginning to call me up to 18 times a day at times and I couldn’t cope, both of them seemed to think he wasn’t allowed back to her house, I think because the police had been present, and I didn’t tell them otherwise as he needed to be out of that house. My husband told me I was to take a 'holiday' from them both and I listened because I knew one hundred percent he was right. I was neglecting myself, I was neglecting him and it was starting to affect my mental health. I was getting extremely stressed and getting to a point where I felt like I couldn’t cope anymore. It was my whole life, I was consumed by it and I didn’t want to be. Reading my previous posts back I can hear in my words exactly how I was feeling at the time and I was at the end before something in me was going to snap. Along with my husband and therapist we decided together the ‘holiday’ was going to be a 3 week period in which I had no contact at all with either of them. It may sound awful to cut out an elderly woman like that but she isn't an innocent bystander in this whole situation. Her response when I told her what I needed because I was getting ill was "Oh well who is going to do my jobs for me". She didn't once ask if I was ok or tell me she was worried about me, she was just concerned for herself and my Dad. After making it clear she didn’t really care she continued to tell me how much this was going to upset my dad and how much it was going to affect him. Let’s just say she made it extremely easy for me to make sure I took this full 3 weeks away from them. It took away the guilt I was feeling when I initially decided to do it. My Dad’s response was to completely ignore what I told him and continued to try and call and text me. So my 'holiday' from them didn't actually happen until a week later as both ignored my wishes, my husband had to step in and tell them what was happening- for some reason they both listen to him a lot more than me. Within a few days I felt freer than I had in years, my husband commented on the fact I was happier, more carefree and so much less stressed. I continued to see my therapist and felt like a new person. The main thing I noticed was the guilt disappeared, I had so much guilt before “I should be doing more to help him” “I’ve not done enough” “I don’t see him enough” but I know from taking the break it was the two of them making me feel like this and I had already gone above and beyond what either of them deserved. They took me for granted and I had finally come to realise this. Next was the hardest decision, I was obviously so much better without them in my life but I knew I couldn't live with myself if I cut them out completely. I really wish I could. I know my life would be better without either of them in it but that's just not the way my head works unfortunately. I knew going forward however I had to put boundaries in place, this was something I learnt in the support group I attend, it would not work going forward if I didn't do that and I didn't stick to them. So I got back in touch with them both (again neither asked if I was feeling any better from it or checked if I was ok) but I laid out the boundaries to them both: 1. Neither one of them is to mention my mum, ever. 2. My Nana is not to call me everyday, I will try and go and see her on a weekly basis when I can (she has carers going in now so that’s a weight lifted) and I will call her a couple of times a week. 3. If I turn up and my dad has had a drink (He still thinks I don't know when he’s just had one) I will leave immediately. There will be no discussion about it I will just leave. Surprisingly they both accepted everything I said and 2 months later and they are both sticking to the rules which has amazed me and my life is so much easier. Unfortunately, during my 3 week 'holiday' my dad moved back in with my Nana (I knew this was likely to happen). He is refusing to leave again despite us telling him it’s in both their best interests and he’s living in a house that enables him and it’s killing her him being there. It is basically a situation that is going to kill both of them sooner rather than later. Despite hearing this he is still refusing to leave. That is the addiction I guess, I wish I understood it. I just can’t get my head around it still, even though I have read so much about it and have listened to experts I cannot fathom how you can put it above the people you are meant to love and look after. Instead of arguing with him about leaving I have just asked the social workers to get involved again and open up a new case. It’s the only thing I can do. He’s back to drinking constantly, he looks a mess, he is unkept and dirty. He is not a nice person to be around but that is just how it is going to be sadly. I have come to terms with the fact now that unfortunately my dad doesn't want to get better. He's proved that and now I am in a place where it is sad but that is just how it is for him. Unfortunately we are just waiting for this disease to kill him. He is still trying to tell me he's not drinking which we all know is a blatant lie but I'm not arguing about it anymore, these are his choices not mine and I cannot let them control me or effect me in the way they were before. I have my own life and I absolutely refuse to let it be ruined by his addiction. My Dad has brought a lot of trauma to my life since I was a teenager and looking back on it before then too which I believe the majority of stems from him being an alcoholic since I was a young girl. It has become clear over the last few years he has been an alcoholic for the majority of my life, we just didn't know as he was functioning. Things have happened to him that he has not talked about, he’s bottled them up and let them build up all the while numbing everything with drink and as a result he has done some terrible things and lost everything. I 100% believe if he had spoken to someone when I was a child we wouldn't be in this situation now and that is why we MUST talk about things, especially men. I sadly think we are about to have a mental health crisis on the back of the current pandemic which fills me with fear for the future for people who are turning to drink, drugs, gambling to deal with their problems currently. People can carry on masking their feelings with whatever vice they choose but if they are lucky enough to have family and friends who care about them it isn't just their own lives they will end up destroying, they will end up sucking everyone else in around them and end up taking them down with them. #addiction #alcoholaddiction #alcoholicdad #addict #carer

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