mydadisanalcoholic

[mydadisanalcoholic]

5

I haven't been on here for a while and I have just gone back and re read my last 4 posts. I was really shocked when reading them at how angry and frantic they feel. I don't feel like that currently, which is wonderful and reading those has made it even more obvious to me how far I have come in the last few months. My Dad's addiction had taken over my life, that and having to care for his elderly mum (who he lives with) who has early onset Alzheimer's. I have just finished a few months work on myself in the form or Art Therapy and attending my monthly support group and I honestly feel like a new person. Just before my turning point I had managed to get the social workers involved with them both to remove my Dad from my Nana's house as it is not safe for him to live there with her. My Nana's Alzheimer’s is in the early stages so she is currently only forgetting a few short term things, however she is 89 but as long as she can make her own decisions no one else can make my Dad leave her house. Therefore, it is her decision, the amount of times she has rang me saying he needs to be removed, I will contact the social worker and then she has changed her mind again, partly because he’s her son but also because he has manipulated her into keeping him there. Not helping the situation is that she is in complete denial, when my dad says he hasn’t had a drink, even if he’s laid on the sofa unable to move from it she will still believe him. He’s often so drunk he has passed out and has wet himself or he is shouting and swearing at her, I’ve even witnessed him throw things at her before.He falls down the stairs, he falls into things. It's dangerous. Before we were able to remove my dad from the house the social workers had been visiting for months trying to get rid of him but he refused. There was one occasion when I was there with them and my Nana finally admitted she wanted him to go. I had to take him to Salvation Army to declare him homeless (which really does make you feel like the worst person in the world) never in my life did I think I would be doing that with my Dad, listening to the guy explain he would be going to a hostel which he would have to leave everyday between the hours of 9-6, during a pandemic, when there is literally no where for him to go apart from the streets, it completely breaks you but you know you have to do it otherwise he will never get better from this. They didn’t have anywhere for him for a few hours so I had to take him back to my nana's until there was a space available later in the day. In the time I had driven home (a 5 minute car journey) my Nana had called my phone 5 times, she had decided she wanted him to stay with her- he had gone in crying and she had taken him straight back. A few weeks later the social worker tried again and this time took a Police support officer with her which helped and made my Nana stick to her word this time. My Dad was taken back to Salvation and put in a hostel straight away so he didn’t get chance to go back to her. The place sounded horrendous, the exact opposite of where an addict should be put if there was any hope of them getting better. However my dad had finally it seemed hit his ‘rock bottom’, he didn’t have a choice but to get better or to die. This ‘tough love’ approach started to work , he didn't have a choice now, he still refused rehab but was engaging with the alcohol support services a lot more. We went for a few walks with him and he was sober each time, he was well presented and clean, a state I had not seen him in for a long time. This situation however made my Nana worse and she was beginning to call me up to 18 times a day at times and I couldn’t cope, both of them seemed to think he wasn’t allowed back to her house, I think because the police had been present, and I didn’t tell them otherwise as he needed to be out of that house. My husband told me I was to take a 'holiday' from them both and I listened because I knew one hundred percent he was right. I was neglecting myself, I was neglecting him and it was starting to affect my mental health. I was getting extremely stressed and getting to a point where I felt like I couldn’t cope anymore. It was my whole life, I was consumed by it and I didn’t want to be. Reading my previous posts back I can hear in my words exactly how I was feeling at the time and I was at the end before something in me was going to snap. Along with my husband and therapist we decided together the ‘holiday’ was going to be a 3 week period in which I had no contact at all with either of them. It may sound awful to cut out an elderly woman like that but she isn't an innocent bystander in this whole situation. Her response when I told her what I needed because I was getting ill was "Oh well who is going to do my jobs for me". She didn't once ask if I was ok or tell me she was worried about me, she was just concerned for herself and my Dad. After making it clear she didn’t really care she continued to tell me how much this was going to upset my dad and how much it was going to affect him. Let’s just say she made it extremely easy for me to make sure I took this full 3 weeks away from them. It took away the guilt I was feeling when I initially decided to do it. My Dad’s response was to completely ignore what I told him and continued to try and call and text me. So my 'holiday' from them didn't actually happen until a week later as both ignored my wishes, my husband had to step in and tell them what was happening- for some reason they both listen to him a lot more than me. Within a few days I felt freer than I had in years, my husband commented on the fact I was happier, more carefree and so much less stressed. I continued to see my therapist and felt like a new person. The main thing I noticed was the guilt disappeared, I had so much guilt before “I should be doing more to help him” “I’ve not done enough” “I don’t see him enough” but I know from taking the break it was the two of them making me feel like this and I had already gone above and beyond what either of them deserved. They took me for granted and I had finally come to realise this. Next was the hardest decision, I was obviously so much better without them in my life but I knew I couldn't live with myself if I cut them out completely. I really wish I could. I know my life would be better without either of them in it but that's just not the way my head works unfortunately. I knew going forward however I had to put boundaries in place, this was something I learnt in the support group I attend, it would not work going forward if I didn't do that and I didn't stick to them. So I got back in touch with them both (again neither asked if I was feeling any better from it or checked if I was ok) but I laid out the boundaries to them both: 1. Neither one of them is to mention my mum, ever. 2. My Nana is not to call me everyday, I will try and go and see her on a weekly basis when I can (she has carers going in now so that’s a weight lifted) and I will call her a couple of times a week. 3. If I turn up and my dad has had a drink (He still thinks I don't know when he’s just had one) I will leave immediately. There will be no discussion about it I will just leave. Surprisingly they both accepted everything I said and 2 months later and they are both sticking to the rules which has amazed me and my life is so much easier. Unfortunately, during my 3 week 'holiday' my dad moved back in with my Nana (I knew this was likely to happen). He is refusing to leave again despite us telling him it’s in both their best interests and he’s living in a house that enables him and it’s killing her him being there. It is basically a situation that is going to kill both of them sooner rather than later. Despite hearing this he is still refusing to leave. That is the addiction I guess, I wish I understood it. I just can’t get my head around it still, even though I have read so much about it and have listened to experts I cannot fathom how you can put it above the people you are meant to love and look after. Instead of arguing with him about leaving I have just asked the social workers to get involved again and open up a new case. It’s the only thing I can do. He’s back to drinking constantly, he looks a mess, he is unkept and dirty. He is not a nice person to be around but that is just how it is going to be sadly. I have come to terms with the fact now that unfortunately my dad doesn't want to get better. He's proved that and now I am in a place where it is sad but that is just how it is for him. Unfortunately we are just waiting for this disease to kill him. He is still trying to tell me he's not drinking which we all know is a blatant lie but I'm not arguing about it anymore, these are his choices not mine and I cannot let them control me or effect me in the way they were before. I have my own life and I absolutely refuse to let it be ruined by his addiction. My Dad has brought a lot of trauma to my life since I was a teenager and looking back on it before then too which I believe the majority of stems from him being an alcoholic since I was a young girl. It has become clear over the last few years he has been an alcoholic for the majority of my life, we just didn't know as he was functioning. Things have happened to him that he has not talked about, he’s bottled them up and let them build up all the while numbing everything with drink and as a result he has done some terrible things and lost everything. I 100% believe if he had spoken to someone when I was a child we wouldn't be in this situation now and that is why we MUST talk about things, especially men. I sadly think we are about to have a mental health crisis on the back of the current pandemic which fills me with fear for the future for people who are turning to drink, drugs, gambling to deal with their problems currently. People can carry on masking their feelings with whatever vice they choose but if they are lucky enough to have family and friends who care about them it isn't just their own lives they will end up destroying, they will end up sucking everyone else in around them and end up taking them down with them. #addiction #alcoholaddiction #alcoholicdad #addict #carer

[mydadisanalcoholic]

4.

After a stressful, tiring evening dealing with the bailiff, my Nana and my Dad who was so drunk he couldn't even stay awake when I reverted to my 15 year old self and screamed in his face, apart from to slur out that he was going to throw himself in the river. I am sat on the bus on the way to work. I've put on my autumn chill playlist and i'm looking into the fields around me and I'm OK. I actually feel calm. These moments are hard and traumatic and no one should have to go through them but they make you appreciate the small things in life. Green fields, blue skies, autumn colours, birds, trees. We drive past a patch of trees and I see a bight blue and silver helium balloon deflated and caught in a tree. I'm not one for a cheesy metephor but I literally feel like like that balloon. It's had the life sucked out of it and now it's stuck because of that. It's stuck in the branches of a tree that has lost all it's leaves. I don't want to be that balloon anymore. I want to be free. #alcoholic #carer #alcoholabuse #addict #alcoholicdad

[mydadisanalcoholic]

3.

Tonight I told my dad to throw himself in the river. I got a frantic phonecall from my Nana at 8:30, bailiffs had come to the house and were threatening to take her things because he has racked up £900 in debt from a parking fine, a £35 parking fine over a year ago that he didn't bother to sort out and has been ignoring their letters eversince.The £35 fine that I organised for him to sort out along with all his other debts and paper work, all he had to do was call them and pay it. He told me he had done it. Turns out he hadn't. Of course he hadn't, how could I be so naive to think he was actually getting his shit toegther for once in his life. I am dumbfounded. I am furious. I am so so so sick of his shit. He was of course pissed out of his brains so I had to sort it out and I couldn't hold my anger in anymore, I turned into my 15 year old self shouting at him and telling him he was a waste of space, pathetic. Knowing it wouldn't help but only make the situation worse but I couldn't hold it in any longer. He said he was going to throw himself in the river. I told him to go for it, the sooner the better and I actually meant it.

[mydadisanalcoholic]

2.

After my last quite obviously incredibly angry post I went to my monthly support group, which is a lifeline for me. It is with others who are affected by someone else’s drinking or drug abuse (If you are going through the same, I urge you to find a group near you). I went to the group and this week we had a guest speaker, a man who is a recovering drug addict. He very bravely told us all his story, which was so SO important for all of us to hear. To hear the other side, was so insightful. The trauma from being a carer for someone with either an alcohol or drug problem is so overwhelming a lot of the time, your brain is so full, your energy is taken that it can all become too much and from my last post It had all got too much. Hearing this man speak and telling us you cannot give an alcoholic an ultimatum as it won’t work was eye opening. He shared with us that his daughter wasn’t enough to give up the drugs, he had to be ready himself. This helped me understand my Dad a bit more. It does not mean I agree with his decisions and I am still angry with him, I’m allowed to be. He is literally ruining my life. But I do understand him a bit more. #alcoholic #addict #alcoholicdad #carer

[mydadisanalcoholic]

1.

Today is my Dad’s 60th birthday. I’m surprised he’s made it.

I’m not happy he’s made it. I’m surprised.

I shouldn’t be thinking that. I should be happy, excited, proud. I should have spent months planning how we will celebrate him. Instead I’ve spent months trying to get him sober. Instead I’m surprised his body is still allowing him to live in it, especially when he doesn’t want to be here in it. Instead I haven’t spoken to him for the last 2 weeks.

My Dad, it turns out has been a functioning alcoholic for the last 20 years. For the last 2 he has been absolutely NONE functioning. I cannot believe he is the same man who raised me. The intelligent man who had everything to live for. Now he has nothing. He lives with his 89 year old mum (my Nana) and is the streets local ‘alcho’. He is a shell of himself and has literally given up on life. I’ve spent the last few years trying to get him better, with the help of my husband. I feel like I’ve tried everything and now it’s got so bad that social services are involved. We have had meetings with the police services, the ambulance services, the social services, all the services. How is this my life. My Dad. It finally has become too much. I think it was probably always too much but finally both my heart and my head have said No completely in sync when normally one is battling with the other. However he is also making it extremely easy for me to say No to him now too as he has made it quite clear he doesn’t have any intention of getting better and doesn’t care that his elderly mother is deteriorating before our eyes because of him or that his son wants nothing to do with him and now his daughter who has tried everything has finally had enough.

I gave him an ultimatum. I finally found a rehab for him, a FREE rehab, which focusses on community and teaching skills and healing together. It is literally perfect for him and I (stupidly) thought I HAVE FOUND A CURE. WE ARE FINALLY GOING TO MAKE HIM BETTER AGAIN. Could I have been anymore stupid. He wouldn’t even entertain the idea for a second. His response straight away was “No I’m not going”. Even when I pleaded with him. Even when I told him his actions were ruining our lives. Even when I told him I couldn’t do this anymore and he is making me ill. Even when I reminded him that 2 months before he had fallen down the stairs and taken my Nana with him sending them both to hospital and my Nana lucky to be alive still. Even when I cried and asked him how he could be so selfish. Even when I reminded him he was a father and a son and he was being neither. He wont even entertain the idea for a second. For that I hate him. For that he has made it really easy for me to walk away from him. For that he has made me realise I cannot help him if he doesn’t want to get better for us or for himself. I knew all of this deep down before but I refused to see it.

I gave him the ultimatum you go to rehab or you lose me as your daughter. He chose not to go to rehab.

  #alcoholic #alcoholicdad #carer #alcoholism