#i would like to add he also got Moon bc i took it twice but i feel that was a Healthier mental state result than default

[autobotmedic]

celestial entity

black hole

you are powerful. black holes have a gravitational pull so strong that nothing can escape from it. not even light. you are set in your convictions and once you put your mind to something it’s already accomplished. people are drawn to you because of your intriguing depth, self-assurance, and commanding aura.

people mistakenly think that a black hole is nothing but empty space when, in reality, it's the complete opposite: a lot of dense matter all packed into a very condensed space. you have so many thoughts, ideas, and feelings buzzing around, it's a wonder your body can contain it all. it must get tiring. don’t be afraid to unburden yourself. you deserve to experience lightness and peace just as much as the rest of us.

you are strong and determined. you don’t mind waiting for the right opportunity to come along and when it does, you pounce. you take comfort in inevitability. you’re devoted to the things you care about and have a tendency to be opinionated and selective. you sometimes secretly worry you come off too strong and wish you were more approachable. you may feel as if you don’t have many people you feel especially close or connected with but still hold tight to those precious few.

you also have a sense of something missing—a void you keep trying to fill that no matter how much you consume never feels enough. you have desires still longing to be fulfilled. you want to feel whole. full. dont give up and don’t stop searching. what you need is out there waiting for you to find it.

ultimately, you are like a dark room, filled with endless and infinite possibilities. you are an immovable object. the last one standing. you are what is left even after everything else has disappeared. you are primordial and powerful and, most importantly, never alone.

[youremyheaven]

Hello, Purva bhadrapada, Leo stellium native here, I also wanted to add that I think purva bhadrapada, since it is Brahmin caste is probably more prone to this, then punarvasu and finally vishaka, who in my experience is the most materially/self interested Jupiter nakshatra, which is why we see it in so many celebrities compared to the other two, especially purva bhadrapada.

I've always been at the role of teacher/smart one since I was a little girl, I've always been a bit parentified and I think that comes out a lot in my relationships with nodals, since I'm the one who has to keep things in control, now that we are on the topic, I'm gonna trauma dump about my Magha sun, mula moon friend 😭

I don't want to bad mouth her since I do still have affection for her, but this woman put me through so much. One time she face timed me whilst she was drinking, she got so drunk and then started driving! She face timed me whilst she was drunk driving talking about how sad she was, all whilst I could hear all the dangerous turns she was making, so I called her mom to come get her, I couldn't do it myself cause I live too far away. The next day she wouldn't stop complaining about how pissed she was that I called her mom on her, talking about how she got in trouble, but what was I supposed to do? WATCH HER DIE ON CAMERA?! She made me the villain and not our other friend who she also face timed, who is also nodal.

Another time, she was dating this dude and SHE ALWAYS DID WHATEVER HE SAID FOR NO REASON, one time we were all hanging out as friends, a whole ass group of people, and this girl started sucking this mans dick in front of us 💀😭 like they were not slick in the slightest, I caught sight of it and then I tried to politely tell them to stop before the others noticed, she did not stop and others caught them, to which they all collectively said "Wtf? Stop please" AND THEN SHE COMPLAINED TO ME ABOUT THIS? HOW DO YOU WANT ME TO TAKE YOUR SIDE? 💀

Another time, I was really busy with some work but she texted me about how suicidal she was feeling and how she wanted to attempt, I stayed with her the whole night trying to talk her out of it until she just stopped talking to me all together, I panicked and spent hours debating whether to call someone, since I don't know if she really attempted something, but I didn't want her to be mad at me again. It was one of the most anxious nights of my life. Eventually, she called me and said she was fine 💀 I SPENT ALL THAT TIME WORRIED AND SHE DIDNT SAY ANYTHING! that was my breaking point and I just cut contact with her after that

The worst part of all of this is that she never took any interest in my emotions or any of the problems I had, in all the years of friendship we had I only opened up to her twice and I regretted it immensely both times. She never took any time to take care of me, and would always accuse me of telling her what to do after giving her advice THAT SHE ASKED FOR!

Anyway 💀 yeah it was traumatizing

💀💀💀💀 I'm glad you've cut her out

My Swati Sun, Magha Rising ex was somewhat like this. He texted me saying he's having a panic attack and does not know what to do (at like midnight) and then after I text & call him mad worried, he does not respond. He texts me back the next day afternoon saying that "it was just a spur of the moment thing, I'm alright" like wtf??? He always kept me on edge with his mental health stuff and I was always made to feel like I'm on suicide watch only for him to turn around and be like "oh I'm over it now bc I've drunk away the last thought I had in my head"

He once video called me at 8 in the fucking morning because he wanted company while he smoked

Let me just say that there was a clear imbalance in our relationship bc I had to watch out for him while he did batshit stuff and I could never do the things he did and expect him to have played the supportive role 😒

There was another Magha Moon girl I used to know who completely did unhinged shit, she jumped from man to man every week (not slut shaming, just pointing out poor choices) in India, the arranged marriage system prevails and she received a proposal from some 5'2 30 yr old (when we were like 21) who was loaded 💸and her family rejected the proposal and she was already dating some deadbeat loser. Guess what she did after she broke up with the deadbeat loser many months later?? She started talking to the 30yr old guy who came to her house with a marriage proposal 😭and literally 2-3 weeks later he publicly announced his desire to marry her at the wedding of a mutual relative and she said "I'm not interested in marrying you" PUBLICLY, it was super shameful for the families and all parties involved bc like ??? what on earth was she thinking??? he made his intentions clear from the get go??? did she think she could hook up and rebound with the guy who contacted her family with a goddamn marriage proposal??? and she played the victim when in reality throughout their 3 week tryst she led him on and on and on, why didn't she say she would never ever marry someone like him?? so embarrassing lol

There was a Magha Moon guy who I had mutual friends with and he's a complete deadbeat loser. He hasn't finished his degree (he was my senior at uni) he's broke as hell and all he does is go on road trips and drink till he drops and he had the audacity to ask my friends if I'd be interested in seeing him and I was like 🤢🤮ew no and he literally repeated this process every month no joke. He's asked me out more times than I can count, he's made our friends ask me on his behalf a billion times and I'm like ??? how oblivious or lacking in self awareness do you have to be?? He always told them that he thought I was "hiding" my interest in him 🤮🤢🤭so idk I feel like Nodals can be supremely delulu

[triptuckers]

Honesty - Kaz Brekker x reader

Request: oh hell yea "I saw we could send in requests which you don’t need to tell me twice bc I have some things in mind if that’s okay? I had an idea for a Kaz x female reader where he’s had feelings for you for the longest time but has never acted upon those feelings due to his trauma. Until one day something doesn’t go as planned during a Dregs job because his thoughts are with you and he lost his focus for just a moment. This is the moment he realises he has to talk to you about his crush on you but when he looks for you he notices you somewhere secluded in the arms of Jesper making out. How would he react to the fact that the girl he has had feelings for has been secretly dating his right hand? Lots of angst if that’s okay? 😬" Pairing: Kaz Brekker x reader (plus some slight Jesper x reader) Summary: When Kaz finally figures out his feelings for you, and wants to tell you about it, he finds something he wasn't prepared to see Warnings:  angst oh god so. much. angst. let's see what else uhh mentions of violence, bruises, language, kaz being a lil jealous jerk Word count: 2.6K A/N: this is the one yall I got this request and HA I was so ready to write some heartbreaking angst, get ready for this one (also I wasnt sure if I had to tag this as kaz x reader of jesper x reader, but as you can see I went with kaz) TAG LIST (grishaverse): @ayushmitadutta @mrs-brekker15 @dancingwith-sunflowers @thegirlwiththeimpala @parker-natasha @story-scribbler @romanoffstarkovs @daliareads @meiitanoia @itsnotquimey @sanktaesperanza @whymyparentscheckmyphone @aleksanderwh0r3 @ilovemarvelanne1 @marlenaisnthappy TAG LIST (Kaz Brekker): @mufnasa @Janesofia7 @stairscortana add yourself to my tag lists here

Because it was a one-person kind of job and it involved picking quite a few locks, Kaz told the crows to take the night off, while he took care of it.

Given that it was very rare for Kaz to tell you all that you could have the night off, neither of you was stupid enough to question it. Instead, you all wished him good luck and took off to do all those things you normally missed out on when you were away on a job.

Everyone trusted Kaz to be able to handle a simple job on his own. You'd spend enough time with him to know he'd be alright.

And he was.

It was indeed a simple job, all Kaz had to do was sneak into a merchant's home, pick the lock of the safe in the office, steal an important contract between two merchants, and get out.

Part of him liked the solitude of wandering around a big house in the dark. But another part of him wished you'd be there with him. Kaz had shook his head to get you out of his mind, and continued to do the thing he needed to do.

After successfully completing the job and getting the contract he needed, Kaz is standing in front of a closed door, listening for any sounds in the hallway on the other side of the door.

His minds wanders off to you again.

You'd wished him good luck before he walked out the door, and you'd given him one of you signature smiles. Saints, he loved your smile.

He was sure you could fix anything, all you had to do was smile at him. You comforted him in so many ways, and you probably had no idea. Though you could figure it out if you sensed something was going on.

The clues were all right there, all you had to do was find out all the times he asked for you help were all just excuses to be able to spend more time with you.

It was stupid, really. He would invite you up to his office to go over plans for a job, even though he had figured it all out already. He'd pair the two of you on jobs. He did anything to be able to spend time with you.

A cloud slowly moves through the night sky, allowing the moon to illuminate the room. The sudden light abruptly brings Kaz back to reality.

He'd been standing in front of the door for way too long, just thinking about you. He curses himself for losing his focus. For allowing himself to get so lost in his thoughts on you.

Kaz really needs to do something about it. It's almost embarrassing how starstruck he is by you. And he really can't have you distract him on a job like that again, even if you're not in the room with him.

After listening again for sounds in the hallway, Kaz slowly pushes the door open. Upon discovering the hallway is empty, he steps out of the office and makes his way to the front door of the house.

All the way back to the Slat, he's thinking of ways on how to tell you. He's never been really good at talking about his feelings. And he wants to make sure he tells you the right thing. The last thing he wants is to stutter to try and find the words to say to you.

Eventually, he settles on just getting you alone first. He'll figure out what to say after that.

The walk to the Slat takes a while, given that the Barrel is on the other side of Ketterdam. His leg starts to ache but he ignores it, he'd endured worse.

When he finally sees the Slat in the distance, he notices there are still some lights burning. The window of your room is dark. Kaz hopes you're just sitting downstairs.

But when he enters the kitchen, it's nearly empty. Except for Nina, who is sitting there having a cup of tea before bed.

'Hey!' she says. 'How'd it go?'

In response, Kaz shows her the folded piece of paper.

Nina grins. 'Told you it would be an easy job for you.' she says.

'It was.' says Kaz. 'Have you seen Y/N?'

To his surprise, Nina starts smirking.

'Oh yeah, I've seen Y/N.' says Nina. 'She went out back a while ago.'

Kaz moves to walk to the back door but Nina speaks up again.

'Kaz, I wouldn't do that if I were you.' says Nina. 'I don't think she wants anyone to see her.'

He gives her a confused look, not noticing the playful look in Nina's eyes. He then starts to worry about you. Did something happen to you? Why didn't you want anyone to see you?

Kaz quickly walks to the door and opens it, ignoring Nina who yells at him not to do so. He abruptly freezes in the doorway.

You're indeed there, but you're not alone. A tall figure, who Kaz quickly identifies as Jesper, has you pinned to the wall of the alley.

Aside from the street lamp, it's completely dark. It's hard to tell which limps belong to you and which ones belong to Jesper.

Kaz just stands there, rooted to the spot. He can't move. He just stands there, watching the girl he fell in love with kiss another man. And it's not just any other man, it's Jesper.

The cheerful sharpshooter who had been his right hand for so long. He'd been by Kaz' side for years, joining the Dregs just shortly after you had. Jesper had managed to save Kaz a number of times with his quick shooting. And now he's standing there, kissing you.

Kaz feels sick, like he's going to throw up. Like the air got knocked out of his lungs all at once. The world is spinning. This must be some bad dream, he was asleep and this is a nightmare, it isn't real.

But then you finally seem to notice something is going on.

You pull away from Jesper and look past his arm, to see Kaz standing there with a bewildered look on his face.

'Kaz?' you say, not letting go of Jesper. 'Are you alright? Did something happen on the job?'

Jesper turns around as well now, curiously looking at Kaz.

Instead of looking at you and answering you, Kaz turns his attention to Jesper. The sick feeling in his stomach fades away and gets replaced by anger. Jesper had the guts to kiss you, his girl.

Rage takes over, the same kind of rage that had gotten him the name Dirtyhands. It flashes like a red light in front of his eyes. Without wasting another second, Kaz raises his cane and jabs one of Jesper's legs, sending him to the ground.

'What the fuck, Kaz!' you yell at him.

You rush over to Jesper's side, but Kaz roughly shoves you away with his cane, kneeling next to the taller boy. He angrily looks at him, gritting his teeth.

'You don't get to kiss her just because I can't.' says Kaz in a low voice.

Both you and Jesper look confused, having no clue wat Kaz is talking about.

'Saints, what on earth are you talking about?' says Jesper, rubbing the sore spot on his leg.

'She belongs with me, and you can't kiss her because I can't- because I won't- I forbid you from it.' says Kaz.

You look at Kaz, not believing what you're hearing. You'd never seen him like this, so angry, so full of rage. And you'd never seen him use his cane to hurt his crows before.

'I don't know what the fuck you are talking about.' says Jesper. 'But I'd appreciate it if next time, you'd say something instead of using that damned cane of yours. Now if you could excuse us, we went out back to have some privacy.'

Kaz' eyes widen in anger and you watch in horror as he raises a fist and swings it down, hitting Jesper's cheek hard. Before he can strike again, you catch a hold of Kaz' arm and drag him away from Jesper.

You drag him all the way back through the door and into the kitchen. Nina looks up, probably having heard something was going on. It takes one look from you for her to hurry up the stairs, leaving you alone.

You take Kaz over to one of the tables and roughly push him into a chair.

'Stay here.' you say as you glare at him.

Kaz, a feeling of numbness washing over him, doesn't protest.

You walk out the door again and he can hear you softly talking to Jesper. A while later, you and Jesper walk into the kitchen. Kaz sees a bruise is already forming on Jesper's cheek, right where he hit him.

Jesper looks at Kaz with a mixed expression of pain and confusion on his face.

You find some ice and put it on Jesper's cheek.

'Keep that on there.' you tell him. 'Go upstairs, I'll come to your room in a second. I have to talk to Kaz first.'

Jesper nods and as soon as he's out the door, you furiously turn to Kaz.

'You're going to tell me what the fuck that was about right now. No lies, no excuses, you're going to tell me the truth. Now.' you say, dragging out a chair and sitting down in front of Kaz.

'You don't get to kiss her because I can't?' you say, repeating the words he said earlier. 'What the hell was all that about?'

Normally, Kaz knows exactly what to say. All the time. He's always got an answer ready. But whenever it's just the two of you, it's like he forgets how to talk.

'Well?' you press on. 'Say something, for Saints sake!'

When he still doesn't say something, you slam your hand down on the table, and Kaz flinches slightly. You never got this angry.

'I don't want to see Jesper kissing you because I want to do that. That should have been me.' says Kaz.

'Well you can't even take your damn gloves off, did you really think you'd be able to kiss me?' you say in a cold voice.

'With time, maybe.' says Kaz.

You sigh and softly shake your head. You've been part of the Dregs for years. You care a lot about Kaz. But the bond you have with him is just not a romantic one. Apparently, Kaz didn't think so.

'You fucking hit Jesper.' you say, your voice less loud. 'He's going to have a bruise on his cheek.'

'I was angry.' is all Kaz says.

'Clearly.' you say. 'You need to apologise to him.'

Kaz looks at you. 'Yes, Kaz, you have to say you're sorry.' you say.

When Kaz gets up, you stop him.

'Not now.' you say. 'He doesn't want to see you.'

Kaz sits back down again and starts to avoid your gaze. After sitting in silence for a while, you sigh.

'Why'd you have to do it?' you wonder out loud.

'I don't know.' says Kaz. 'Just- seeing someone else kiss you like that, it made me so angry. Like something snapped inside of me.'

'If your really feel the way you say you feel about me, why didn't you say something sooner?' you say.

'I was scared.' admits Kaz. 'That you wouldn't have me because I wouldn't be able to kiss you, to touch you.'

'Physical affection isn't the only thing in a relationship.' you say.

'I know, I know, I just-' 'Kaz.'

He finally looks at you and you can see he's hurt. But you'd rather tell him the truth than lie to protect his feelings.

'Even if you would be able to touch me, a relationship would have never worked. Not for me, at least. I'm sorry, Kaz, I'm not going to sugarcoat it.' you say. 'I love you and I care about you, but not like that. I'm in love with Jesper. We didn't tell you or the other crows because if word gets out, people will see it as one of our weaknesses. I don't want to know what they'd do to get to me, or to get to Jesper.'

You look at Kaz, scanning his face for a reaction. He's letting your words sink in, thinking about them.

'Look, Kaz, I'm sorry. I'd rather tell you the truth than lie to make you feel better. I love Jesper, and right now, I have no intention at all of breaking up with him. You're going to have to find a way to deal with that.' you say and you get up.

'Apologise to him tomorrow, I'll talk to him.' you say. 'And next time, use your words. Not your cane or your fists.'

Kaz watches as you walk toward the stairs, to get to Jesper's room. He watches you as you disappear out of his line of sight. Regret starts to set in. He shouldn't have hit Jesper. He just felt so angry when he saw you with someone else.

You love Jesper, and there's nothing he can do about it. Right now, all he could do was sit in silence, getting lost in his thoughts wondering about what could have been if he had only talked to you sooner.

Meanwhile, you have reached Jesper's room. You knock and open the door, finding Jesper sitting on the bed. He's still got the ice pressed against his cheek.

'Hey.' you say as you walk up to him. Jesper briefly smiles at you but winches immediately at the movement. You sit down next to him and carefully take his hand in yours so you could remove the ice and take a look at his cheek.

Indeed, the skin of his cheek is red, a bruise forming. You lean in to softly press a kiss to his cheek before putting the ice back in place.

'What did Kaz have to say?' says Jesper.

'Um, that he has feelings for me. And that seeing you kiss me just made him angry. That's why he hit you.' you say.

'Should've used his words instead.' mumbles Jesper.

'That's what I told him.' you say. 'But I also told him to find a way to deal with it, because I am not going to break up with you.'

At your words, Jesper smiles. 'Thanks for kissing my war injury better.' he says, making you chuckle. 'I love you.'

'Love you too, Jes.' you say. You smile and get up to go and get ready for bed.

Little did you know that Kaz was standing right outside the door. He'd stopped there on his way to his room on the top floor. The three words you spoke to Jesper stung in his chest.

He'd give anything to hear you say those words to him. But you had made it clear that wasn't going to happen. Eventually, Kaz would have to find a way to deal with it.

After all, both you and Jesper are two of his most valuable and skilled crows. He couldn't just dismiss you because you love each other.

He'd find a way to deal with it. But not tonight. For tonight, he settles for going to his room and opening a bottle of kvas instead.

A/N: If you want to request something, make sure to read my house rules Here’s the list of characters I write for. Everything that I have written can be found on my masterlist. Please don’t repost my work, as I spend much time and effort on it!! Thank you for reading! Much love, Marit

[sirius-blacks-curls]

my marauders headcanons

yall seem to like my sirius ones so i thought i’d try something a little different :)

sirius:

very allergic to cats. still attempts to pet and cuddle any cat he sees (except mrs. norris)

hes definitely colorblind

he hates dealing with his hair so when he has to actually look presentable he asks lily or remus to braid it or style it. otherwise he just leaves it down and only brushes it when it starts getting uncomfortable

he will sometimes switch to his animagus form when he has nightmares, especially after azkaban. when remus wakes up and sees a giant ass dog in his bed instead of his husband he just lays with him and pets him slowly until he wakes up

clingy as FUCK. it took him a couple years to get used to physical affection both from remus and james but once he did he could not get enough

definitely a bottom but would top if asked

he actually really enjoys reading (not that he would ever tell the others about that)

lily taught him how to do eyeliner. he wore it pretty much all the time but the last time he wore it was that halloween. then remus managed to convince him to wear it to their wedding years later because damn it makes him look good

constantly stealing remus’s shirts and sweaters

artist!!! i love the idea of artist sirius!! but instead of like being a painter or illustrator he chose to be a tattoo artist

kind of afraid of spiders, but will pick one up to make someone else stop screaming about it

remus:

i also really love the idea of artist remus but he would be more of a traditional artist

he paints on sirius’s arms and hands when hes bored and like colors in his tattoos

also steals his leather jacket. he painted on one of the sleeves once and sirius didnt wash it for 2 months bc he was afraid of washing the paint off

he acts like he hates being touched (and in most cases he does) but once he’s alone with certain people he trusts enough (sirius, james, lily, etc) he becomes a literal baby and clings to everyone

warm drinks 🥰

little spoon

all his school books have doodles and small paintings in them (by both himself and sirius)

loves cats almost as much as sirius 

plant mom

literally has like 10 plants in his window in the dormitory

will read just about anything he can get his hands on

makes the rest of the marauders stay in/near the shrieking shack on full moons so he knows hes not completely alone

best friends with lily

james:

mom friend

morning person

tries very hard to make all the other marauders morning people bc their sleep schedules are all shit. only succeeded with sirius bc he lived with him over the summer

hates cats which makes remus and sirius very sad

also really enjoys reading but doesnt make an effort to hide it like sirius

makes the other marauders do chores around the dorm since none of them care enough to keep their spaces clean otherwise

that only worked on peter and still only lasted a week

gets very flustered around lily (or regulus, whichever you ship)

basically when hes around someone he likes he turns into a blushy mess

very easy to embarrass

has a weird obsession with bees that he somehow passed on to sirius too

likes to cuddle with sirius and/or remus when hes upset 

very touchy person

breaks his glasses at LEAST twice a week

thinks hes a jock. he is not

peter:

i dont have quite as many for peter but

not as shy as everyone makes him out to be

hes actually pretty much the most sarcastic marauder

he still gets flustered and shy sometimes but not as much as in first/second year

absolute meme lord

helps james come up with pranks to play on sirius

they wouldnt dare play pranks on remus

they value their lives too much to

doesnt really get along with anyone other than those three which is why everyone perceived him as shy

can be kind of an ass

the person sirius would pick up a spider to make him stop screaming about said spider

lily:

highkey super close with sirius and remus

none of the marauders play pranks on her because, similar to why james and peter dont play pranks on remus, they value their lives

except once sirius tried 

just to see what would happen

he put hair dye in her shampoo (god knows how the hell he got ahold of it)

she, with neon pink hair, charmed his favorite pair of combat boots to be the exact same color

and made sure there was no way to undo it

he held a grudge for a bit but eventually embraced it (and also managed to steal a pair of her stockings/tights and a skirt just to see how remus would react)

she and remus had weekly outings after they graduated to talk about their dumbass husbands

this was also how she told him she was pregnant

the way she told him was by not ordering alcohol like she normally would

definitely a dom

likes playing with/doing sirius’s hair

anyway uh yeah feel free to add to this! rbs are much appreciated 🥰

[nekomasmissingmanagers]

Hi! Hope you both are well 💕 may I request a matchup please? Taurus ESFP. I'm a bit flighty and a lot dramatic, and can get 😤 when ppl take me too seriously or not seriously enough 😅 my hobbies are fleeting but I like watching movies (romance and romcoms, or anything but action 😴) and reading and hanging out! I love making new friends but most definitely need quiet time to recharge. I have shoulder length hair and glasses, and an hourglass figure ig. I like sundresses and hoop earrings! 1/3

+ I also love wearing long cardigans or really bulky wooly ones ☺️ I like learning new things! But can get bored easily lol (I have a Gemini moon and I blame her). I love eating!! I'm not a picky eater tho so am also good with plain meals. My friends say I'm often the mom of the group bc I'll make sure everyone's eaten/wears sunscreen/brings a sweater. I love amusement parks! 2/3

+ Not good with horror/scary stuff but could be talked into it if I trust you. My music taste leans towards pop but my emo/scene phase in hs comes out in funny ways still. My music library is a hot mess so you could get TWICE and then some screamo. She/her! Thanks for taking the time! 3/3

thank you so much for your request!

we match you with: kageyama tobio

→ every time kageyama sees you in a long cardigan or a big fluffy sweater, he starts blushing because he finds them to be really cute on you. kageyama would save up his money to buy you sweaters and cardigans for your birthday.

→ kageyama is caught off guard at first by your flighty and dramatic side, but it adds a lot of interest to his life. you help him try new things and go places he never would’ve gone on his own.

→ the fact that you love eating is a big plus for kageyama considering he himself has a large appetite. on dates, he will get a ton of snacks for the two of you to share.

→ someone like kageyama who has a bit of a one track mind and can get caught up in what he’s doing needs a mom friend like you. he appreciates your responsibility as well as your text reminders to make sure he’s eaten or completed his work. you’ve also saved him multiple times when it comes to remembering a sweater or an umbrella.

→ kageyama doesn’t mind your taste in music to be somewhat all over the place since he probably doesn’t have a set genre that he listens to either.

→ the first time you took kageyama to an amusement park, he was probably putting on a brave face but was secretly shaking in his sneakers. the initial adrenaline rush he got from the first roller coaster made him a bit bolder throughout the day even though he’d still clench the handlebar of the roller coaster car until his knuckles started to turn white. although he loves your amusement park dates, he prefers movie dates or simply hanging out with you.  

→ kageyama loves seeing you in sundresses and hoop earrings just as much as he loves seeing you in long cardigans and fluffy sweaters. The first time he sees you in a sundress he short circuits and doesn’t have a clue what to say and since he is not the best at compliments it will probably come out wrong (kn-knife...nuff...nice)

admin rose’s second choice: fukunaga shouhei

admin camellia’s second choice: kai nobuyuki

[toastie-the-know]

The canon bases of RudeAggro!Felix and Apologetic!Dimitri

(Since I actually spent an entire evening doing this, I’m posting it because I don’t want to feel I “lost” all that time haha! I sort of do this kind of stuff for work sometimes, so this is clearly the sad fate of a person who can’t leave their work at work and brings it into their hobbies 😂 )

I’ve read a lot of Dmlx fic (in English), and have seen a lot of art, and there’s a trend I’ve noticed in the characterisations of both Felix and Dimitri that stands out to me: Rude and aggressive Felix, and Apologetic Dimitri. More specifically, Felix being rude/aggressive to Dimitri, and Dimitri apologising to Felix. The characterisations stand out to me only because my hc characterisations are more like “tsundere” Felix, and polite Dimitri. There’s obviously an overlap between “rude/aggressive” and “tsundere”, as well as “apologising” and “polite”, but they are not the same thing, at least from the part of the world I come from (I played with the JP audio on English text). I wanted to figure out if I was missing something from canon, so decided to take a short dive and check out the source material.

This meta isn’t an attack on people’s preferences. Creators of fan works depict characters in a variety of ways for personal reasons, and it’s no one’s business to pass judgement on that. I’m not trying to legitimise my hc, or delegitimise othere people’s hc. All I want to know is whether there is  strong canon basis for the characterisations, which I might have missed. I’m also not saying that “unless a characterisation is based off canon 100% it’s not legit”.  I don’t believe in that statement. Looking at canon is one way for me to see whether the “RudeAggro Felix”, “Apologetic Dimitri” is more a case of creator extrapolation, or based off something very clearly there in the canon.

So I’m gonna look at three bits of text. 1) The words and expressions used in the support conversations, both JP and EN 2) The tone in the voice acting, both JP and EN in the support conversations, and 3) Dimitri and Felix’s lines in Azure Moon route chapters + in the monastery, but only in the JP (it was easier for me to search the JP text quickly, more effort required for the EN). Of course there’s more you can glean about their characters from other supports etc, but I don’t have that much free time… 

Heads up I’m a bilingual and bicultural Japanese/Aussie (have lived in both countries), so I’m pretty confident in my interpretations of the JP text and audio.

Rude and Aggressive Felix

There’s a lot of canon for this characterisation to be based on. Listing the words and expressions Felix uses when talking to Dimitri is pretty aggressive, and is meant to be demeaning if we take it at face value.

Felix insults/expressions of aggression 

Support C

その気味の悪い笑顔で話しかけるな。/ Go away. (I would add “Don’t talk to me with that creepy/spooky/grotesque smile of yours.”)

見ているだけで胸糞悪くなる。/ Just looking at your face makes me wanna retch 黙れ。獣は獣らしくしていろ。/ Shut up. And stop walking around on your hind legs. 獣 / beast 猪 / wild boar ならばさっさと失せろ、邪魔だ。話しかけるな、この化け物が。/ Hurry up and get out of my sight.  I don’t make a habit of talking to beasts.

Support B

猪 / wild boar 貴様 / an aggressive form of addressing “you” in Japanese, although in this sentence it’s not used aggressively 阿呆が。/ Do you take me for a fool?  (I took the Japanese more along the lines of “Are you stupid?”) 腹立たしい……。/Looking at your face is making me angry (No JP equivalent) / Farewell, Your Beastliness.

Support A

獣 / beast (but used in the context of the “the face of a beast vs the face of a man” line) 手が滑って斬りつけないうちに、答えろ。Answer quickly before my hand slips and I cut you in half お前の辛気臭い顔が、癇に障って仕方なかっただけだ / I couldn’t stand the pathetic look on your face.

Stepping out of the Dimitri/Felix support conversations for a bit, we know from Felix’s other interaction he is also rude and aggressive. Calling Dedue “dog” is probably the rudest and most demeaning example we have. Telling Ingrid to go and get married is also pretty rude. So overall we have a lot of evidence that Felix is ok with being abrasive, at best. Intentionally hurtful and malicious at the worst.

So Felix is rude to Dimitri in their support conversations, but the rudeness lessens as the support levels increase.  As you can see from the list above, the number of expressions of aggression go down between conversations C and A. Felix doesn’t call Dimitri “boar” once in the A support conversation. The last line “癇に障って仕方なかっただけだ / I couldn’t stand the pathetic look on your face” is a bit tricky, since I think there’s a bit of a divergence between the JP acting and EN acting. The JP is very clearly a "tsundere" intonation, meaning there’s a vibe of “I care but am too embarrassed to admit it”. The EN was a lot less obviously for me, so if you only got the EN there’s a chance that Felix’s  “I couldn’t stand the pathetic look on your face” comes across at face value - an actual insult.

Outside the support conversations, Felix uses the words “boar/beast” to describe Dimitri specifically quite often. But the intention behind the use seems to change (from an attack on one’s character to a nickname). Looking at the AM route, lines within each chapter + in the monastery phase, we find he uses the words ten times in total. That’s a descent amount, considering the number of lines he probably has overall (I’m not that dedicated to count all his lines… proper methodology would want me to do that though…). The last two times he uses “boar” it seems more of a nickname rather than as a way to attack Dimitri’s person.

A surprise find was that Dimitri uses “beast” five times overall , in the same contexts that I checked for Felix’s use (AM route, lines within each chapter + in the monastery phase in JP). In all cases he is describing either Imperial soldiers, or the baddies at Remier village. Never in reference to himself (which I thought might come up, but didn’t).So 

TLDR; There is canon basis of Felix being rude to Dimitri, but it looks like he mellows out a lot by the end of the game.  The JP flags the “tsundere” vibes a lot more than the English.

Apologetic Dimitri

I’m gonna start with the numbers from the chapters + monastery sections first, because these are the bits that clearly form the canon basis of “apologising Dimitri”. But with some interesting twists!

As a quick and dirty measure, I searched for the characters 謝 (to catch 謝る、謝罪 etc), 悪 (to catch 悪いな、悪かった), and すまない. I didn’t search for ごめん/ごめんなさい (gomen/gomennasai) bc I bet you three cups of coffee that you won’t find Dimitri using this expression.  ごめん/ごめんなさい is more typical of children and women, or super casual. So Edelgard and Claude might use these, but not Dimitri.  

Dimitri apologise a ton in the chapters and monastery sections. For all three words, we have 16 expressions of “sorry” from Dimitri. For comparison, I just checked the first five chapters for Claude. Chapters 1-5 Dimitri apologises 7 times, while Claude apologises once. So yeah, canonically, we find good grounds for Dimitri being a person who apologises often. We’ll see later that in his other supports with Blue Lions characters, he apologies to them also.

Dimitri apologises 6 times after Rodrigue dies in chapter 18. And 4 of these apologies are concerning his behaviour while he was disengaged with the war effort/unwell. These kind of feel a bit different to the “sorry to inconvenience you” type apologies that are more typical of his sorries (see list below)

To Byleth: 4, for being boring (1), for making a weird request (1), for Byleth helping out (2) To Edelgard: 2, once about making Edelgard feel bad bc she thought he was underestimating her, and once about the poor choice of gift he gave her during their childhood. To Lonato: 2, for the general badness of the situation To Claude: 1, (but unclear to me what exactly he’s apologising about) To Dedue: 1, for surprising him To Mercedes: 1 (need to check again To a Kingdom soldier: 1, because the soldier was looking for him To Lonato’s soldier: 1, for the general badness of the situation

Most of these apologies are of the “sorry for being an inconvenience” type. This could be interpreted in a variety of ways ranging from just being polite right through to low self-esteem. Whatever the construal, it does seem objectively that Dimitri says “sorry” a lot more than other male characters who might have as many lines.

Dimitri and apologising to Felix

Dimitri apologising to Felix, we have exactly one example in the chapter conversations. In chapter 18, Dimitri says to Felix “I have no words to apologise adequately” or something along those lines, regarding Rodrigue’s death. (And shortly after, Felix addressed Dimitri by name).

We have zero cases of Dimitri apologising to Felix in the support conversations. For a quick comparison in his other support conversations, Dimitri apologises to Ashe once, Sylvain once, Ingrid once, Annette twice, Mercedes three times (but the expressions he uses are different to the three I mention earlier). Interestingly, Dimitri also doesn’t apologise to Dedue.

These numbers might just be reflecting the fact that Dimitri and Felix’s support conversations aren’t really topics where apologies would be made. Dimitri and Felix’s support conversations aren’t about burdening each other, being a nuisance, or supporting each other. Their support conversations are actually about Felix coming to terms with Dimitri’s dual nature, while Dimitri himself seems seems unbothered by it.  (The only place in canon we really see Dimitri using his words to express remorse and discomfort over his dual nature seems to  be his A+ support with Mercedes).

Dimitri’s responses to Felix’s rudeness in support C are more like indirect affirmations of Felix’s characterisations of him (“A beast craving blood, am I? I assume you’re speaking of the events two years ago”, “I deny nothing, Felix.”, “Perhaps you’re right.”). Maybe a little bit resigned. There are a handful of sad-faces. It actually seems to me that Dimitri is in general agreement with Felix.

In support B, Dimitri is unbothered by Felix’s abrasiveness. When Felix gives him a hard time, Dimitri tends to push back (“As though I would be careless with something so valuable.”, “Come now, that was so long ago!”).  In this entire exchange it’s only Felix who is bothered by something, while Dimitri seems quite oblivious to Felix’s turmoil. The final line in this support is Dimitri saying “What is going on with him…”

Support A Dimitri is quite assertive of himself  (“ Do not waste your breath on questions with such obvious answers / 当たり前のことを聞くな”, “ You are wrong/ ……違う”), still a it resigned (“Always so ominous / お前はいつも物騒だな。”), but unlike supports A and B, showing awareness of Felix’s internal state, and thanks Felix.

Dimitri seems generally unbothered by Felix giving him a hard time, and Dimitri does not apologise for his character. Dimitri seemed ok with his dual nature, while it was Felix who was more bothered by it. But by the end of the game, if support A is reached, Felix also comes around to accept the dual nature. Dimitri and Felix aren’t really in an “apologise to each other” relationship, because it seems from Dimitri’s POV, there is nothing about himself that he needs to apologise to Felix for.

So TLDR

There is good canon basis for rude/aggro Felix. There is good canon basis for apologetic Dimitri. Dimitri apologises a lot in canon, but not really Felix. The one time he apologises is concerning Rodrigue’s death. But given that Dimitri does apologise to people often for inconveniencing them, it’s not hard to imagine how Dimitri would apologise to Felix for inconveniencing him in some way.

So I don’t think I missed anything in canon, but fan creators extrapolate these canon bases into various directions. Which is cool! Because isn’t that the fun of doing fan works!

The end.

Links out: JP Text, EN Text

[thegeminisage]

What other characters (of DBH) you think people should appreciate more and why? I love read your opinions❤

omg anon pls thats so sweet

(if anybody wasn’t here for the last ask the first character was north & there’s a follow-up here)

alright just a “””quick””” (lol as if) little thing for each one bc it’s getting late & you’ve already been waiting on this for like an hour at the time i started typing. it’s probably gonna be long as fuck but the tl;dr is at the bottom

LUTHER:

they did luther so dirty…it was like david cage was playing “racist trope bingo” for his entire debut chapter…and then on top of that all he cares about is kara & alice, these two near-strangers, and it’s real easy to get him killed for them. in fact, in an ending where kara sacrifices herself at the border, she tells alice that luther will get her across the border, and after that, rose will take care of her. UM WHAT? don’t call ur PSN trophy “happy family” and then try to erase luther like that!! what does luther want? what are his hopes and dreams, his fears? nobody ever bothers to ask bc they’re too busy making ralph alice’s dad. and it’s not that i don’t like ralph - i do! but he threatened alice with a knife TWICE. after her previous dad’s bullshit, that’s the last thing she needs!!

here’s my take on luther: he says that what his life was before kara & alice doesn’t matter, and that’s because david cage doesn’t care about him. but imagine instead that luther remembers what he did (was forced to do) before he broke his programming. our luther is sweet and gentle and good, but zlatko forced him to use his strength as a weapon for LITERALLY tearing people apart. don’t you think luther regrets that? don’t you think he wishes he could take it back? perhaps his even temper and loving heart is a RESULT of those early memories: he’s seen the worst sides of anger and callousness, he’s had to be complicit in it. my feeling is that he never ever wants to be complicit in something like that again…it feels weird when he picks up a gun in the game because i think he would be even more of a staunch pacifist than josh?? i feel like even when luther does get annoyed or angry he’s so afraid of the harm he’s capable of doing he doesn’t even really let himself feel it And That’s Sad. he should be able to get annoyed at like a broken coffee maker or some shit without illogically worrying it will result in someone’s maiming or death?? maybe he is So Ready to throw himself on a grenade for kara and alice because yes, he does love them, but also he feels he has to redeem himself somehow, yk? he has to be willing to do absolutely WHATEVER it takes to be Good

they didn’t give luther any depth…he never got to speak to zlatko’s captives and apologize, he never got to express a feeling about kara potentially burning down the whole fucking nightmare house (with living androids inside, i might add) - would he have wished to save those androids? would he be glad their suffering was over? would he have motherfucking hearts in his eyes for kara single-handedly destroying his own personal hell? he deviated for alice, it was alice that made him say “ok, doing this to kids is where i literally can’t take it anymore” - don’t you think he’d be so retroactively terrified of all the terrible things that could have happened to her? 

like i truly don’t get why people make ralph alice’s dad when luther loves her so fucking much he’d bring her the moon if she asked - he’s the only person who loves her just as selflessly and unconditionally as kara does. she accepted him and wanted him to say goodnight their very first night together…as soon as he resisted his programming, she stopped being afraid of him, and it must be so amazing for him to finally have people around who don’t either fear him or try to control him…whether u ship him with kara or not (i do, everyone should - it’s one thing to HC kara as gay but i side-eye people who don’t wanna ship luther with anybody) you know he’s gotta cherish them so much

AMANDA:

ok look i know amanda is the antag to connor’s story but honestly she’s metal as FUCK. i was so fucking floored to not only learn the garden isn’t a garden but that amanda isn’t amanda…my first playthrough i was letting connor be just a lil bit deviant but whenever amanda would ask about it i would panic and lie…now i know it doesnt matter what you can say and you can be blatantly deviant right in front of her and she’s like ok Whatever BUT i was deeply shook to realize all my lying to her all along hadn’t meant a thing…she did in fact KNOW i was lying because she wasn’t real, she was living in connor’s brain and she could see all that shit he was doing

and also?? like, imagine you were made out of a dead person’s face and voice. we don’t know if amanda has a body, we don’t know if kamski actually liked what he created or thought it was creepy (like imagine if he and amanda were close and then she died…it’d be weird to see her like that), we don’t know if amanda CAN deviate like the androids…she’s living this half life potentially stuck in some garden and just doing what her program says like everybody else. but even though machines get all the sympathy in this game i very rarely ever see people stop and go “dude, is she ok…is someone controlling her can we help her” - amanda’s a lot like connor, she’s hunting down deviants but she’s not a human and she’s not alive yet so who’s pulling her strings?? can they be cut??? 

JOSH:

i’ll be honest i haven’t figured out what Angle i like best for josh the way i’ve got one for luther and north but he has such strong convictions i feel like they would have to stem from some past experience. everybody’s always arguing about simon vs north that nobody stops to give josh the attention he deserves…he’s part of the fantastic 4 too!! who is josh? what does he want? what is he afraid of? does he refuse to be violent for reasons like luther - did he hurt someone, deliberately or accidentally? (to a lesser extent, a pacifist markus who shoved leo can also follow this pattern - he gave into violence and thought he’d killed carl’s son, so he swore to do no more violence after that.) or: did he see someone else get hurt/get hurt himself? i know the backstory they give him in the gallery but tbh it’s very similar and not stand-out from most of the rest of the stuff we hear…

like, what made josh deviate? we literally never find out. i think it would be interesting tho if instead of just being the victim of violence, he was ordered to DO violence, and refused - maybe that’s why he got hurt. but i think his relationship WITH violence could be a complex thing for anyone who wanted to tackle it. we know why north prefers violence, why does josh detest it? (similarly, why does simon prefer safety over either approach? - but fandom gives him a lot of love and attention and tries to explain this, and nobody tries to explain it for josh.)

KARA & ALICE:

like…to a small extent…i know they’re main characters but i could write an essay just on why they didn’t get a fair shake either - constant victims of assault, little depth, kara got to choose what happened to her but not what kind of person she was gonna be like markus & connor, significantly less playtime than markus & connor, had NO influence on the big macro plot like markus & connor, i could go on…but definitely the worst for me is that everything about kara that made us love her (from the short), was ERASED - david took her memories and never made the slightest move towards kara wanting them back, or her being able to get them back. she’s six years old and he took all of her history from her, all of her agency!! i feel like translated into fic they can both become very flat - all kara cares about is protecting alice, and alice is constantly scared or hurt or needing to be taken care of, like a baby doll. granted that’s not actually far from the game’s canon, but it could have been MORE. kara had six entire years of experiences before she met alice - what makes alice special? who is kara without alice? 

i really wish we had been able to take a personality route with kara - her main superpower seems to be empathy and getting people on her side (ralph, jerrys, zlatko’s creatures), but she can also wave around a gun at anybody who gets near her baby. it would have been really interesting to explore two sides of that - to have a kara who is 1000% Done and ready for wholesale murder if it means surviving vs having a kara who can bring out the best in anyone, even if they seem like bad people at first. (imagine the influence you could have over alice - she would learn to be wary of strangers or be warm to them.) but instead the narrative is wishy-washy; you can’t teach alice anything, and in fact she serves as kara’s moral compass instead of the other way around - you wind up doing things like comforting the guy who broke kara multiple times and waving a gun at ralph (who like, shouldn’t have done that, but also isn’t 100% in control of his own facualities all the time). it would have been really interesting to see kara be able to influence her own fate more as well - the camp sections are shitty and should not exist but like maybe a kara who had spent the whole game yelling at everyone with a gun would have the ability unlocked to then rally the people inside, and who cared what connor and markus were doing, you know? 

but david doesn’t know how to write women so that’s not what we got - kara carried that entire franchise into reality and he totally screwed her over!!

TL;DR

luther was forced to do terrible things and that could explain a lot of his behavior if anybody cared, nobody ever wonders if amanda is being forced to obey programming like the rest of the machines or if she’s ok, josh’s relationship with violence could be very complex and we don’t know his motivation for refusing to participate in it the way we know north’s for preferring it, and david can’t write women so he shafted kara so fucking bad and it is an honest to god shame

(dbh meta tag)

[soured-peaches]

I was tagged by @corvidame and @faebaeb thank u!

last…

1. drink: Warm water i left at my computer

2. phone call: to my grandma

3. text message: My DnD friend Frost!

4. song you listened to: Youth by Daughter

5. time you cried: Wednesday

have you ever…

6. dated somebody twice: nope

7. kissed someone and regretted it: yea ://

8. have been cheated on: I’d hope not??? 

9. lost someone special: yeah

10. been depressed: currently

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: nope, I don’t drink

favorite colors…

12. to wear: any pastel color

13. My fave colors are peach, orange, and purple

14.  Warm colors are the best tbh

in the last year have you…

15. made new friends: yeet

16. fallen out of love: nah

17. laughed until you cried: almost

18. found out somebody was talking about you: nope

19. met somebody who changed you: not really

20. found out who your friends are: eh nah

21. kissed somebody on your facebook list: yeah

general

22.  how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: all of them, im bad at talking to strangers online also why would I need to add anyone I didnt know?

23. do you have any pets: 1 dog!(Bubba Louski) and 3 cats(Cupcake, Callie, and Chihiro)

24. do you want to change your name: yeah my dudes Im trans

25. what did you do for your last birthday: went out to eat w my family

26. what time did you wake up: 10ish

27. what were you doing at midnight: sleeping

28. name something you can’t wait for: KH3 or the next chapter of My Hero Academia

29. when was the last time you saw your mom: just a second ago when she walked past me

30. what are you listening to right now: The Other Side of Paradise by Glass Animals

31. have you ever talked to someone named tom: no??? idk when random people talk to me names are never brought up??

32. something that gets on your nerves: overtly negative people like??? u dont have to be negative to be “cool” also being misgendered

33. most visited website: Tumblr and youtube,,, 

34. hair color: Brown originally but rn its some faded blue blond color with the pink I dyed it last clutching to my roots :0

35. long or short hair: Short and really short, I gots a mohawk!

36. do you have a crush on somebody: i mean i got a gf?

37. what do you like about yourself: uh, my weird ability to attract cool people to be my friend without doing anything.

38. piercings:I got my ears pierced and am currently stretching them! I also had a nose ring but a piece of jewelry gave me a chem burn :((

39. blood type: man idk

40. nickname: Ro! tho mostly people call me Rowan

41. relationship status: dating

42. zodiac: Aries (Aquarius moon/Virgo rising)

43. pronouns: he/him primarily they/them works too tho

44. favorite tv shows: Steven universe, Inuyasha, and Drik Gentleys Holistic Detective agency!

45. tattoos: I realllyyyyy want one but no,,, 

46. right or left handed: righty since birth!

47. surgery:none as of rn but im gonna have to get my wisdoms removed,,

48. sports: I took karate once it was fun!

49. vacation: I went to DollyWood! it was really fun!

50. pair of trainers: Shoe

51. eating: nothing yet

52. favorite drink: Coffee w a bunch of sugar

53. what are you up to: drawing some ocs

54. waiting for: Thursday! so i can size up my ears!

55. want: Affection

56. get married: most likely

57. career: Engineer! I wanna make things w metal!

58. hugs or kisses: kisses!!

59. lips or eyes: Eyes

60. shorter or taller: Taller

61. older or younger: doesnt matter if the gap isnt too big

62. nice arms or stomach: arms!

63. hook up or relationship: relationship are good, hook ups just seem like too much energy.

64. troublemaker or hesitant: Im hesitant only bc I hate getting caught,, i want to be a trouble maker

65. kissed a stranger: ew??? no???

66. drank hard liquor: nah

67. lost glasses/contact lenses: dont need em

68. turned someone down: yeah :00

69. sex on the first date: hahaha no

70. broken someone’s heart: yeah,,,

71. had your heart broken: yeah,,

72. been arrested: no but I have had the cops called on me

73. cried when someone died: ye

74. fallen for a friend: I dont fall in love with random people I have to know some stuff about the person

do you believe in…

75. yourself: nope

76. miracles: I want to

77. love at first sight: maybe?

78. santa claus: when I was a young boy yes

79. kiss on the first date: if it seems right hell yeah

80. angels: nah

81. current best friends names: Izzy and Kaili

82. eyecolor: Brown

83. favorite movie: Spirited Away! 

I tag @beanstalknerd @candysketch @spinoxy

[flora-land]

Pandemic

I don't know why but I make a habit of not reading through anything I write on here, I sort of just unleash all of my feelings onto here and then put it aside and move on. I guess thats a good thing? I mean I know that I have been told to do it countless times and it is known as a good technique for dealing with emotions but its such a hard thing to do, I know for me personally it took so long to actually be able to write down, or type in this case, what was going on inside my head. Anyway don't really know why I wrote that hey ho its all part of it isn't it. Right now we’re in the middle of a pandemic. Coronavirus has taken over the world and so we’re in lockdown. Honestly, its crazy. You really. could not have said that this was going to happen, I mean thats a bit of a silly thing to say but what I mean is that who’d have thought that in 2020 a deadly virus would force the entire world to go into lockdown. When you really think about it, its honestly crazy. Yet people don't seem to be taking it that seriously. I understand that its difficult to change so suddenly but honestly, if someone told you that you cant leave your house unless its for necessities bc theres a deadly virus taking over the world, you would listen, right? I dunno its just weird to me that people aren't listening to the governments advice as they have all the top professionals involved in the decision making but whatever. Lets talk about ME!!!!!! lol I love being dramatic and being like that, I find it so funny to be like, okay so anyway lets talk about me now!!! obviously its a joke and I don't know why I find it so funny but I'm literally here laughing as I right this so something must be funny about it hahahahaha. lol look at how I avoided actually talking about myself there tho lmao so anyway, I'm doing alright I guess. So whats been going on, had a couple weeks at uni, it was really fun, although looking back now it doesnt really feel like anything happened, it was just pretty standard uni life, lectures, hockey, going out. I’d been talking to billy over Christmas and we went on a date at end of feb, I know, why, I'm literally cringing thing about it ew ew ew WHY DO DATES FREAK ME OUT?! but yeah this was really weird, we went to gin and juice and like it was fine we got on and convo flowed but I feel like my personality was on 3000000% like I felt so hyperactive I didn't feel like myself. Then when I was in bed that night, on my own might I add, I felt to drained and sad and anxious. I honestly felt horrific. It felt like to two extremes of myself, like the fun exciting hyperactive side came out and so when I was alone the anxious, sad, depressed, miserable side came out. I hated it. I still don't really know what to think about it, I mean I guess its the only date I've ever been on by why did it affect me like that and will it do it again and why am I a fucking freak!!!!!!!!!  so anyway yeah kind of kept seeing billy but not really it was only when I was drunk or bored and was still getting with other people and told him that and I told him that I didn't want a boyfriend or anything serious so I havent done anything wrong really? I mean I think so but obviously i’m going to think that I’m very biased lol. He still messages everyday and tbf its actually kinda annoying, I only reply once or twice a day nd give such shit replies that I feel bad but I dunno what else I'm supposed to do, when I give a shit reply or even when I don't reply at all he still messages me, ah well. So yeah theres that, and then theres Dom. I don't really know what to say about him at the moment, we hung out so much last term and had so much fun, we occasionally got with each other but it didn't feel like anything serious or weird, I mean there were sometimes things that felt more than friendly but I never read into it too much. The other day I rung him for a catch up as he hadn't FaceTimed this whole lock down (like 5 weeks), he was on a zoom quiz with his mates so I listened and talked through that, then he left their call and spoke to me. I felt like it was only making convo and trying to talk and then he did something to really upset me. I don't want to put it on the internet but if I ever read this back, I'll know what he did. It just made me feel so disrespected and unappreciated. He was supposed to be one of my best friends, he has treated me like shit in the past and this was the final straw. I’m honestly really sad about it bc I think there will always be part of me that loves him, was just never sure in what way as I could never imagine him being a good boyfriend but I don't love him in the way I love tom or charlie. It’s a weird one. So yeah we havent spoken since that night, I'm trying to wait for him to message me and at least apologise but like, how long am I supposed to wait? what if we never speak again? I dunno. But thats that I guess. Other than that I'm kind of enjoying lock down, I'm really getting into my spirituality and am learning about moon cycles so that I can deeper understand my emotions and intuition. I’m exercising every day and am getting so much more flexible, I think that on a personal and spiritual level I'm doing quite well. I mean I say that but I do also feel shit about my body and the way I look. I’m always so torn between feeling so thankful for my body and feeling strong, or feeling disgusting and hateful. It’s a journey I guess, just gotta keep trying to be positive and grateful for where I am and what I have. Thats the main thing that I'm taking out of this. I’m so beyond grateful for having a loving home to come back to, for all my family being safe and healthy, and of course for having ruby here with me.