#i would always be overcompensating for being the way i am LMAO just feeling like a useless waste

[selfinflictedgunshotwound]

i don't think it would even feel good to be loved the way i am rn

[velvet-games]

he’s so normal :)

I actually drew this before a lot of the recent stuff I've been posting; it was just me trying to figure out a good redesign for vox. I might make a proper redesign explanation later, but here are some quick notes while I'm still playing with it:

vox trapzod and alastor trongle :)

^^ ok but unironically this was kind of a hard decision since I have mixed feelings about vox's body type

stuff I was considering:

1) vox is alastor's foil and has a similar body type to alastor at least in part because you're supposed to be comparing them (It's actually so cool cause I was watching TB Skyen's reaction to ep 2 and he immediately predicted that they would have beef lol)

2) tumblr sexyman bod <3

3) I LOVE @/bestosunglass' way of drawing him, and it made me realize that I kind of love the idea of vox being a little bigger than alastor? it's very big himbo puppy + lithe cat energy

4) not sure what my headcanons about vox's body are in terms of biological vs tech yet, but I think I want to lean toward tech (which is customizable)

I love the angst concept of vox having the freedom to change his body with relative ease, which makes him feel like he has to constantly update and update and update and update and update and it's never good enough because he could always change something and he'll never quite be good enough--

basically being a victim to his own progress-oriented mindset

and also treating himself like a product; if it's not working, if it's not the best, newest model, then it's broken and useless and disposable

tbh alastor's ability to find beauty and art in the old (not necessarily based on function, but on character and care) would be good for him

ooc or not, as someone with dysmorphia issues myself, I really want an "I like your body because it's yours" moment from alastor

I think all of that + toxic masculinity would probably mean vox would make himself comically buff (at least at first) lol

5) but I like drawing him kinda scrawny ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ it's just weird because I kind of want to audience to pick up on the fact that he's not actually hypermasc but vox would totally (mostly successfully) broadcast that to the characters in the show

6) I think a trapezoid is a good shape for him! it contrasts well with alastor being a kind of sly and striking triangle shape. trapezoids are more interesting and dynamic than rectangles, but are still more stiff and business-like than triangles (p sure I am completely misunderstanding shape theory here but it makes sense to me lmao)

vox is such a mess of vibes? like he's a cult leader he's a televangelist he's a hypnotist he's a business shark he's a tech CEO he's a newscaster he's a TV he's a computer he's a literal shark he's a mastermind he's a pathetic fanboy

still not sure which of those is the most important/what should be obvious in his design

obsessed with the concept of TV knobs as buttons but it's kind of old fashioned

I headcanon him as having been a nerdy kid that got kicked in the shins for being obsessed with TV/tech lol

also hc him as being vaguely and very obliviously transfemme; the buffness can also be overcompensating for a lack of masculinity both physically and mentally

[perotovar]

Okay but…pretty please share your Pedro boy sexuality hcs?? My toxic trait is headcanoning every character I love as enby tbh

GIDEON, YOU JUST MADE MY DAY. that is so god damn real of you, bless.

also as an lgbtqia person, i'm not perfect so if there's any language/terms that i use that are harmful/incorrect, please tell me!!

also these headcanons don't stop me from reading fics/headcanons that go against anything i state here. i'm always open to different thoughts/interpretations of these boys and always down for queer representation, no matter the form it comes in.

i am more than happy to share these headcanons with you!!! i'm gonna try and remember as many as i can:

obviously we've got the canon boys - dieter (i see him not giving two shits about pronouns and is happy to be referred to in any way) and oberyn being bi, and silva being gay. i love that he's played multiple canonically queer characters, and i never see people taking advantage of that?? ok not never, there are a few that acknowledge these three love men and i love those writers to death, thank u for your service lol

i'm gonna put all the bi/pan boys here:

marcus p (pan, prefers women/fem aligned people) frankie (bi, loves equally) javi g (pan, prefers men/male aligned people)(i could also see him questioning his gender a little? might start liking "they" once in a while) jack (bi, prefers women)(might be demiromantic given that he's still in love with his wife) nico (pan, loves equally and is a bit of a slut and we celebrate that here) max p (pan, loves equally, but probably said/did some things that were harmful in college to impress his bros. he was in a frat, wasn't he? was 100% closeted until being turned.)

ezra is nb/gnc and is pansexual. i see him using he/they pronouns. every time i see your icon i do a little happy dance lol

din is demisexual and really only has feelings for cobb

marcus m is straight and demisexual, really only loved his wife and is content to keep it that way

shane/dio is gay and is very closeted/overcompensates a lot

ok and we've got the ones i believe are straight, however:

joel is straight, but is completely comfortable with himself. has gone to a gay bar or two in his time and was very flattered when men would hit on him/buy him drinks. also, i could see him just like, not feeling anything sexual/romantic after tess. i do think he and tess were romantically involved; i don't think it was just sex/physical. it's really not something i see him caring about after her. so he's gotta be somewhere on the ace spectrum.

i'm kind of on the fence about javi p, because i could see him going one of two ways; he's either experimented and came to the conclusion that he's just more attracted to women than anyone else, or he's near violently straight. and that's either a combination of the time period he's in, or some other reason. but ultimately i think he's straight.

pero is straight, but like, probably in denial about himself. it gets lonely as a merc and when you're traveling with a bunch of men all the time? i could see him just like, not caring one way or the other. a hand/mouth on his dick is still a hand/mouth on his dick y'know what i mean? lmao

maxwell is straight, and is the only one i can see being a tad homophobic before either someone tells him hey, maybe that way of thinking is bad, hm? it's the 80s, it would make sense, but i can see him having a complete turn around and being a total ally. probably a little cringey, but he's got the spirit! lol

(juan diego)veracruz and omar are straight af and probably never questioned it.

dave is straight and loves carol only. i could also see him being one that experimented but decided he only loves women.

ok phew! i think that's all of them. if i think of any others i'll add them lol thank you again for asking!! i'm glad someone was just as interested in this topic as i am lmao

[angelslant]

7, 16, 19 <3

7. Any tattoos?

yes!! i have two, both stick and pokes by my friend laine (hi laine if u see this hehe) one says “lost boy” on my arm and the other is a owl petroglyph above my ankle <3 (i love neolithic art and a lot of my future tattoos involve cave paintings or rock carvings) i dont have many super good photos of them bc theyre at angles where they kinda need to be taken by someone else but i love them both dearly and looking at them makes me so so happy. also i want hand tattoos so bad but im restraining myself for now....

16. I will love you if

i am a quality time bitch through and through....if you dont have time for me, i dont have time for u. i love spur of the moment mini-adventures and i love friends who ive talked to every day for years and i love people who remember that we made plans and stick to them. i really like establishing enough consistency that it becomes easy to be spontaneous. also i love grad students who just impart knowledge onto me at random and the people you share art studios with when working late at night and random strangers in public who will hear a ridiculous conversation youre having with a friend and chime in in a funny way

19. A fact about your personality

this one gets a readmore bc of length lmao <3

i think a lot of ppl, sometimes even people somewhat close to me, dont rlly understand how much work i put into being an outwardly kind person lmao, or they dont understand that i do have to put a lot of work into that? i think a lot of times people confuse my anxiety with being like..."oh you look scary but you're actually so nice!" types of things which can be very true but at the same time, a lot of my current friends have not necessarily seen me when i dont put the care in to be kind and instead go with my knee-jerk reaction to situations (which is almost always some form of anger), because i have specifically trained myself out of going with those responses. i have kind of this weird dichotomy where i am a generally pleasant person who is anxious and can be a people-pleaser at times but to me that feels like a very like....surface level version of myself that can be easily cast off if i care enough to? but i think some people see that part of me as like my deep-down vulnerable self, which i dont really find to be true. because to me i think a lot of my people-pleasing is a direct result of the fact that i overcompensate for my anger. but this is hard to explain to people because since i look alternative or whatever, if you sit there and insist like "no no im actually sooooo evil and mean and tough i promise guys!!" it just comes off as ridiculous and try-hard lmao so i havent successfully found a way to be like "hey guys unfortunately none of this is a joke to me and in fact it kept me alive when nothing else would for several years". anyways idk i just sometimes feel like people view my skittishness as something its not or dont really understand that my "~edginess~" is not actually performative because it has a very real basis in my past experiences and generally if someone is willing to grapple with that they will become much closer to me and know me a lot better than if they just brush me off because they dont really take me for my word

[r-evolve-art]

Found you via the wonderful system that is typing in 'types of soulmate au's' and immeadietly being recommended your particular very helpful post.

However I also grew to be interested in the personality analysis. As a fellow sensor (ESFJ) 371 in Tritype I'd quite adore to know how you came to the conclusion of your typing :]

Oh man. Ohhhh man.

Permission? To rant about personality types?? One of my favourite things to talk about???? I'll try to limit myself and not send a million paragraphs but aijshdajsnhd I love mbti and enneagram!!! I can talk about it all day! Genuinely, thank you for asking!

So this is my own personal warning and apology in advance for the huge text dump lmao (Sidenote thank you for calling my soulmates post helpful I did enjoy making it ^^)

So yes! I am an ISTP 7w6 713! Since you know about tritypes, I'll assume you're deep enough in the rabbit hole to be knowledgeable with cognitive functions, so I'll try to not overexplain and just stick with my own personal experiences :)

Starting with MBTI, ISTP's cognitive functions are Ti Dominant, Se Auxiliary, Ni Tertiary, and Fe inferior.

How I experience Ti and Se working together in my life is my constant analyzing and categorizing of the senses. When I enter a room, I immediately take note of the architectural layout, escape routes, cameras, etc (I swear I'm not a criminal lol), and categorize them in my brain like a linking wiki. "This object has these features." "If I interact with this object this way, this type of physics happen." Etc etc. The world is just another puzzle to solve and I absolutely enjoy pulling apart the pieces and putting them together again, seeing how it ticks. I spent my childhood taking defunct gadgets (and working gadgets but shh) and pulling them apart. Putting together Ikea furniture is pretty fun, sometimes I would do it without the instructions because I wanted the mental exercise. (I also get a cool furniture in the end but honestly that's not as fun as building it.) I once saw a stranger struggling with a stuck flap of a vending machine, so I just walked in, unclogged the machine, and ran out before they could thank me (social interaction is a no no lol). The reason I am Ti > Se is because I always have to think and be sure of myself before taking action. I prefer to play along with the world in the sidelines instead of trying to confront and control it.

Ni being tertiary means that while it is weaker than Ti and Se, I'm getting better at it as time goes on. I have frequent moments of "This will happen" while struggling to explain why. If I sit down and think, I can mostly logically backtrack to why I made that conclusion faster than my ENFJ friend can, but my friend (being Ni Auxiliary) would have more "This will happen" moments than I do.

Fe inferior means Fe is a huge weakness of mine. Stereotypically, ISTPs (especially in media) are the cold lone wolf type of people, who push people away. As I was born female, (still am female lol,) and grew up with female expectations, I've had Fe pushed onto me all my life. So my Fe inferior has instead turned into overcompensation and guilt. I am not the best at detecting emotions (people have burst out crying near me and it always catches me by surprise. Other people have to explain to me how it's obvious. It was not obvious.) Still, if I think someone is going to express an emotion, I try my best to help! It sometimes does more harm than good, my logical side wanting to "solve the problem" (I have learned that is not what people want). I have since learned that people prefer if you just listen to them, so I do that, but it drains SO MUCH energy whenever I do, especially when the solution is obvious. It's worth it, but man. Any emotionally-charged conversation means extra hours of sleep to recover my energy.

Ok ok, next up, 7w6.

Sidenote but it is so frustrating that many people think introverts can't be 7s. Whenever I feel like torturing myself I look at the comment section of any introverted 7 on Personality Database. Yikes.

Many descriptions of 7s are biased towards extroversion-- They're typically the life of the party, moving from person to person, consuming more and more that it's so hard to keep up. However, I am an introvert, so my expression of 7 is different from the common, but the underlying core reasons are the same. I absolutely love consuming media. The arts, video games, writing, acting, anything I can get my hands on I just want more and more. 7s run away from their fears, distracting themselves with novelty. So instead of distracting myself with other people and parties and outside events, I just distract myself with a good book or a video game or a new project, binging them for hours. I am a passenger to my own impulsivity. If a conversation is going south I swoop in with a joke or a laugh because I want to escape the alternative: actually acknowledging the negatives in life.

Ehh that sounded kinda depressing so I'm going to counterbalance with some positives (look at this classic 7 avoidance at work lol). I am super enthusiastic and excitable! If I'm in a crowd setting I don't speak much, but just let me ramble (like right here) and I am basically an open book! I love new discoveries and encouraging people to discover and learn too. That's so much novelty! While my default is to do things alone, sometimes groupwork can be so fun, like multiplayer video games and fun theorizing after a movie! I always tell my friends that they should never feel shy inviting me just because I'm introverted-- let's do this experience together and make it a party! ^^ (I get super socially drained afterwards, with huge feelings of regret and hatred of humanity until I recover back to normal, but woooorth it.)

I am w6 > w8 because I'm not as competitive as w8s are, preferring to be spaced out in my own head. Plus I spend a lot of time pushing away 6's paranoia and need for comfort (7 wants to sweep those negativities under the rug!)

Now for the part you were actually curious about, the 713 typing! (It's so cool that you're a 371 ^^) There aren't that many descriptions for tritypes so I'm not as well-researched, but I think it makes sense that I'm a 713.

I gotta be the anger triad > shame triad, because I am so rarely shameful. I am, however, nitpicky and perfectionistic, which is very 1 behaviour in the anger triad. I can't be an 8 or a 9 because I am not confrontational (8) enough or complacent (9) enough. I am a very logical person. Sometimes things are just obvious to me, and even though I know people learn at different rates and I have my own moments of stupidity (I am definitely not perfect), I get frustrated that I have to wait on other people for things I can do for myself.

Of course, I am still a 7. I try to keep things light and happy and play a lot of dumb jokes that do sometimes counterbalance the actual progress made. But there is a part of me that is always watching. Ready to swoop in to fix dumb mistakes. As long as the progress is more or less steady, I think things are okay. But sometimes I think it's even more fun to do the actual work than fooling around wasting time. Being happy and friendly isn't mutually exclusive with working and getting things done. We can do both! >:O

3 is last, because I experience it the least compared to 7 and 1. Being a 7 so/sx, my actions actually have a lot in common with 2s (7 social instinct and 2s both sacrifice a lot for other people), but my main intention in my sacrifice is to avoid pain ("I secretly want this… but you can have it instead. How could I be experiencing pain when I'm so generous? Literally impossible."), as opposed to sacrificing because 2s want to be genuinely helpful. So I'm not a 2, because being helpful is not a priority for me.

I also have a lot in common with 4s, being an artsy-type of person, but my friend (the aforementioned ENFJ) is a 4 and hoo boy. The way she explains 4s, about actually acknowledging your own pain, self-reflection, the need to find out who you are? Nope nope nope. She can have it, it suits her, she is lovely with it. Not for me though. Self-reflection means pain and 7s would like to run away from pain please.

So I have a 3 in my tritype by default, but it does make sense. Whenever I partake in creation, I gotta show it off. I try to make my creations and achievements as happy (7) and perfectionistic (1) as possible, but I love to show it off to other people-- I love to show them my squeaky-clean accomplishments! "I completed Nanowrimo, look!" "I beat Celeste Chapter 9, isn't that cool?" "I 100%ed Slay the Princess in 7 hours, isn't that grand?" I can't do it too much, 'cause social interaction is tiring, but I want to have this shield of showing other people that I have done something. I cannot experience shame on my flaws when I have these shields of accomplishments!

...

Aaaand yeah. Sorry for the info dump, I tried to make it short but I love rambling! :p If anything is confusing just let me know, it's been a while since I researched MBTI ^^; Also, I would love to learn about your own experiences as an ESFJ 371 if you're willing to share! (Or anybody else who wants to pop in to ramble about their MBTI/Enneagram/Tritype I am all ears!)

ESFJ 371 is a pretty cool combination. On top of my head without research (pls no offense I just love talking about typology haha), I'm going to guess you're a people pleaser who might be a little too hard on yourself, rotating your past mistakes in your mind like a rotisserie chicken. But you are also sociable and thoughtful, people always appreciate your insights on things because you bring up ideas they hadn't thought of before. Bonus points, you're a fun person to be around, with genuine witty moments that might take people by surprise!

So yup, I'll shut up now, but thank you for giving me this opportunity to ramble about typology haha. Pokemon and Typology are basically the two main topics I can ramble about for hours :p

[mrsrcbinscn]

Swynrpwrimo Task #20 - Personality Playlist

Create a playlist for a personality trait for a character! This could be an Enneagram, Meyers-Briggs, zodiac, etc. or anything else. – 10 songs minimum, a little description for each song.

2001 Franny Sor Robinson 3w2: An Insufferable Songwriting student at Belmont determined to be a star

Truly, how did anybody stand her from 1995-2002. Honestly.

[link]

[tracker]

Price Of Perfection

I overcompensate in everything that I do I bring home all the trophies that I won just for you You see a starving musician in debt from tuition I’m never enough for you

Honestly from the ages of 8 to like 22, this was all she did. How did Cornelius even stand her and marry her by the time this phase was over? for real. sorry to anybody who new her before age 23/24.

Oh! my mistake

Being pretty is a sin, yes, it’s my sin It’s my sin to be wanted so much Being pretty is a sin, anyone can see Making you fall so deep for me is Oh my mistake

Genuinely this was Franny Robinson at age 18 lmao, she was peak 'I'm a bad bitch and you can't tell me nothing.'

Oh No!

One track mind, one track heart If I fail, I'll fall apart Maybe it is all a test 'Cause, I feel like I'm the worst So I always act like I'm the best!

Fake it 'till you make it baybeeee. Franny really said "I'm already a star" before she was anything, truly the insufferable artist/theater kid/talented kid type.

Someone In The Crowd

You make the right impression Then ev'rybody knows your name We're in the fast lane Someone in the crowd could be the one you need to know The one to finally lift you off the ground Someone in the crowd could take you where you wanna go If you're the someone ready to be found

She'd word any event, sneak into any show, attend any mixer, just what the song says lmao. Meet anybody and everybody who would give her a connection!

Venus Fly Trap

Don't underestimate me 'Cause one day you're gonna see you're in a losing battle Babe, you'll never stop me being me I got the beauty, got the brains Got the power, hold the reins I should be motherfuckin' crazy Nothing in this world could change me

As annoying as she absolutely was, she had the talent and the grit to make it in the industry. You had to be borderline insane to come from a working class background in the US in the early 2000's and try to make it in music.

Primadonna

You say that I'm kinda difficult But it's always someone else's fault Got you wrapped around my finger, babe You can count on me to misbehave

Primadonna girl Fill the void up with celluloid Take a picture, I'm with the boys Get what I want 'cause I ask for it Not because I'm really that deserving of it Living life like I'm in a play In the limelight, I want to stay I know I've got a big ego I really don't know why it's such a big deal, though

This is truly the theme song for Franny Sor Framagucci/Robinson for most of her life lmao. Well into her 20s she was like "I need it all, I want it all, I'm GOING to have it all because I want it." Now she has everything lmao.

Applause

I live for the applause, applause, applause I live for the applause-plause, live for the applause-plause, live for the- Way that you cheer and scream for me The applause, applause, applause

Truly young!Frannycore

So Hot

Why are you staring at me? Why? Am I that pretty?

She's the one girl who probably could've standed being called ugly by a frat boy she rejected, tbh. (jkjk JOKES) Truly, her ego was sky high from like 16-19.

Set Me Free

Go and say that I'm a fool, bein' impulsive But, baby, what's out of sight is never out of mind Maybe I'm jumping into this with eyes wide open 'Cause you got me dreaming even in the morning light

It's giving both young!Franny chasing her music dreams and falling in love with her husband at this same time<3

Pierre

I danced in the desert, in the pouring rain Drank with the devil and forgot my name Woke with somebody when the morning came No one there to shame me for my youth 'Cause I wouldn't be with you

And then I found me a lover who could play the bass He's kinda quiet, but his body ain't Spend the days dreaming and the nights awake Doin' things we know we shouldn't do 'Cause I wouldn't be with you

The vibes<3

[whatifyoulivelikethat]

Hi, I have a curiosity regarding the Wrong fic, or more so what is depicted in it.

From what I have read so far, usually, the aftercare is given to the submissive person. This was the first time since I've been reading this genre where while it seemed like a mutual act, the dominating person seemed to need reassurance.

Were her thoughts about herself a negative side effect of the role she embodies or did you imagine that to come from a different place?

Also, this is just my curiosity as my sexual experience hasn't been that varied, but is this something that can commonly happen? I only ask because I never considered this aspect of the dynamic, only the opposite where the person at the receiving end may need positive reinforcement.

I found this very interesting to consider and I guess it makes sense, I'm not sure why I never considered how either role can take a toll on you.

I love your writing, I find it mature and contemplative? The general feeling I've had reading some of your work so far is of a still night when I am in my feels yet not spiraling, just calm and having all sorts of epiphanies.

'wrong' is based off my own experience, the dom being me. Yes, it's me. Hi. I'm the problem, it's me. XD But because it's about me, I can only speak about myself as a dom, so take the following as you will.

Aftercare is something very personal. It depends on the dynamic of the couple and the depth / intensity of the scene (scene being the term for the session involving D/s). I think it's important to remember that all those involved in the scene have to go into a different headspace to perform these acts - just as a sub doesn't usually act that way in everyday life, a dom doesn't either. Therefore, most go in and then have to leave that headspace. The aftermath and aftercare is different for every person (even for every session); some want to be left alone / ignored to process, some want to be doted on.

Were her thoughts about herself a negative side effect of the role she embodies or did you imagine that to come from a different place?

The tendency towards finding pleasure in a power dynamic will always come from a personal place.

Those who read my work know that I often use unreliable narrator to show the reader what is really going on. You would think that having those thoughts would mean said person would have a tendency to submissiveness. Why would someone want to put themselves into a situation where they are fully confronting themselves, during sex no less, something that could be an escape, a safe haven? It could work for some people, maybe even help them, but it did not for me.

I didn't imagine, because I know. I know shoulder on a lot of responsibility when I'm the one in charge. No one knows when I'm going through some shit because I don't act differently in comparison to my usual self. I can always perform when asked, and usually I can be resilient and bounce back easily. The difference is if I drop or not. If my emotions are already unstable and I've hit that high, the emotional crash is possible. Overcompensating doesn't make the truth go away. if I can't and I go down, I tend to push everyone away.

So, what happens when the unstoppable force meets the immovable object?

I believe this kind of mental rollercoaster happens to other doms as well (but they don't like admitting shit, heh). No one lives the same life, so all the reasons are different. I've been on both sides of the D/s coin (and clearly I decided that I'm better at one than the other LMAO). This is my own personal opinion and experience: subs lack insight in how their doms suffer unnecessarily because subs don't think to ask if the dom is okay, if they need anything. I'm also sure that doms think they're fine, and maybe most of the time they are, but sometimes they're not. But admitting that would leave them vulnerable, would make them look weak, and they're suppose to be the tough ones in charge, right?

Uh huh.

This is a PSA to myself to, *clears throat*, fuckin' get over myself.

You can't change.

I used to lament a lot over this, over things that I thought I couldn't change, things that I thought I had to change, that must be changed... that I should change...? But that word, should, requires context. What is right depends on situation, depends on who is asking, depends on the consequences of living like that.

Dominance only refers to what you're doing. We're all a slave to our thoughts. Our thoughts have all the ammo to pierce through our defenses. You can't expect someone else to take the bullets for you either. You have to fight them one by one. Both accuracy and power matters. This kind of tactic is only effective if you have the right words in the right place. Sometimes all you need is someone to hand you the bullets.

Good thing Jeon Jungkook is bulletproof.

Heh.

;)

[kinktae]

beyond the story: bitchin’

Hi friends! I hope you are all staying safe and healthy during these tough times! I really wanted to put something out there as a thank you to just how much support Bitchin’ got. You guys really are incredible. So, although this story has come to an end, I wanted to properly close the Bitchin’ chapter by giving you all a behind the scenes look at Bitchin’ and everything that went into writing it. This includes hidden easter eggs, backstories, alternative plot-lines, and a short drabble of the Bitchin’ cast 10 years after the story’s end.

Without further ado, please enjoy and thank you again for all your love. You have all of mine.

CHAPTER ONE – PARTNERS

Ah, yes, the start of this whole wild ride. I’ve always loved the whole nerd/popular person trope in fanfics, so it was only a matter of time before I tried my hand at it too. One thing I was adamant about was not making this a “popular person turns nerd hot/confident/better” fic as its kind of one of my least favorite cliches. With that in mind, and knowing that I was going to allude to TATBILB’s contract, I decided that I wanted Y/N to gain as much from the deal as Jungkook did. No blackmail, no just agreeing for the hell of it – Y/N was going to further herself and her dreams given the opportunity.

The beginning of the chapter is where the two are most separated and dissimilar throughout the whole story. It wasn’t that they were fundamentally different, it was that they approached life differently. Y/N was frustrated at how superficial Jungkook seemed, because she believes there is much more to life than just kicking your feet up and cracking jokes.

On the other hand, Jungkook didn’t understand why Y/N was so tense and on guard. To him, life was meant to enjoy and not take so seriously. Which makes sense, given that he grew up with minimal rules and minimal worries (bare minimum partners wassup !) 

“So, do we have a deal? Partners?” There was mischievous timber to his words, the kind that made you feel as if this would all later come back to bite you in the ass.

Pushing that pestering thought away, you took his hand into yours, holding his eyes as you gave it a firm shake.

“Partners.”

God, this bit. I knew from the minute I wrote it that I was writing the ending of bitchin’ along with it. I knew this was exactly how I was going to end this story, bc the word partners has multiple means right? In chapter 1, this meant business partners, but in the final chapter… it means life partners. Idk, I’m just still really happy with this writing decision :D

CHAPTER TWO – THE CONTRACT

Dearest Yara. We meet her in chapter two don’t we? Yara is completely based off of my irl best friend Yara who is a writer and who helped me A LOT with this story. She was my biggest supporter throughout figuring out this crazy plot. It was initially only about seven parts, but with her help I managed to bump it up to 10! Everybody say thank you Yaraaaa.

You were angry, that much was evident to her. Yara was sat in your shared dorm’s living room, a thick blanket engulfing her small frame. You briefly glanced towards the TV, it was tuned into MTV, the familiar music video of Every Breath You Take by The Police playing, before directing your glare back onto the copper-haired girl.

The song reference is a direct allusion to writer Yara’s fic, which is one of my favorite fics by her. She was actively writing it around the start of our friendship so it only felt right to pay respects to her. The introduction of her character felt necessary imo bc I wanted to make sure Y/N had a life outside Jungkook. Plus, I got to use the scenes between the two girls as a way to reference the music and culture scene. Yara is especially a fan of the powerful women in the music industry at the time, i.e., Madonna, Annie Lennox, Cyndi Laupner, etc.) Yara is a raging feminist and believer in sexual freedom and libery for women, we do in fact have to stan.

“How old do you think your sister is?”

“Hey, don’t sass me. For your information, Lyanna still has all her Care Bear tapes. She threw a hissy fit when my mom tried to give them away last Christmas.” Yara recalled.

Lyanna is one of writer Yara’s past pseudonyms. She always used to joke about how whenever she read it, it was confusing because there was Y/N, Yara and Lyanna, which were technically all her lolol.

FUNNY STORY ABOUT THE CONTRACT I INSERTED INTO THIS PICTURE… Twitter found it and made it into somewhat of a meme because no one knew it came from a fic rip. I was actually rly embarrassed and even wrote some posts about how much twitter scared me on my blog LMAO. but THEN weirdly enough, I actually stumbled upon a small community on twitter who actually found my fic and would TWEET ABOUT IT!!! LIKE REACTIONS TO EACH UPDATE!!! I wish I could go back in time and remember how giddy I was the first time I found a tweet about my fic. The fanfic community on twitter gave me a new love for the site (which I had previously had removed myself from because of its toxicity) and I have met so many wonderful people because of it. People even made themselves a little twitter group chat to talk about my fics, and now we are all friends! I miss posting a chapter of bitchin’ and refreshing my twitter feed as all my mutuals would post memes and live tweet their reactions. God that made me so fucking happy.

CHAPTER THREE – THE ROLLERSKATING DATE

I love the bickering in this chapter, because unlike the bickering in the first chapter, it’s actually less hostile and more playful. Y/N is slowly letting her guard down to the very persistently charming Jungkook.

“Woah. Family of six, huh? So you have siblings then.” He noted.

“Yep. Three.”

“Tell me about them.”

Looking up from where you were slipping on your second skate, you met Jungkook’s eyes, surprised to see genuine interest in them.

I actually originally had Y/N brush him off here. I was going to wait until the drunk party scene for Y/N to open up about her family and relationship with her sisters. But then I kind of thought to myself… Why? Y/N made peace with it and doesn’t hold onto those insecurities anymore. And objectively, Jungkook hasn’t proven himself to be a bad person so… I let Y/N open herself up to him.

“Then there’s the twins, Rosa and Lia.”

“Hold on. Twins? Wait… did they go to our high school?” Jungkook asked, his interest in this conversation doubled.

“Yep. They were two grades above us.” You confirmed.

“Oh shit, yeah, I remember your sisters, they were mad hot.” Jungkook let out a low whistle, before stiffening, flashing you an apologetic look. “Uh, in a totally non-meathead way.”

You offered the scared-looking boy a small smile, shaking your head.

Some of y’all notice but, Rosa and Lia are a blatant homage to my name: Roselia. ACTUALLY some form of my name can be found in every one of the rewind series fics, including upcoming ones. I’ll give a cookie to whoever can find every single mention hehe.

“I told you it was dumb.” You laughed nervously.

It wasn’t that you cared much about what Jungkook thought but you had a feeling a guy like him, who was popular and carefree, wouldn’t be able to sympathize in the way you would like him to.

“No, I’m just… surprised, that’s all.”

Jungkook certainly was surprised. You had built up quite the impression on him from the very moment you two met. It was hard to imagine that the girl who was so unapologetically herself was ever unsure or insecure.

Somehow, the idea tugged at his heart, as if he understood you more if only just a little.

From the get go, Jungkook was extremely drawn to just how confident and secure Y/N was in herself. I knew I wanted Y/N to be unapologetically sure of herself and in her abilities. Something I didn’t want, however, was for frat boy!jungkook’s only personality traits to be liking sex and being a cocky bastard (although I am a big consumer of that trope heh). Jungkook is actually canonly incredibly insecure. He lacks a real sense of self, which is why he is so desperate for Kiri back. His relationship with Kiri at that time was a big part of what he thought was himself. He has somewhat of low self esteem tbh which is why he’ll go back to a woman who treated him unfairly. That’s why he comes off the way he does in the first chapter and why Y/N thinks he has a big ego... he’s overcompensating. He finds it so endlessly fascinating that Y/N, in all her confident glory, was actually once super insecure. He admires her all the more once she opens up about her past.

“Oh, Rosa is an intern for our hometown’s newspaper but between you and me those assholes don’t even let her write. She does coffee and burger runs for men in charge. And Lia sells ice cream at the mall.”

“What about your brother?” Jungkook asked.

“He’s training to be a cop just like my dad.”

“And your mom?”

“She works at a convenience store.”

All their careers resemble people in the latest Stranger Things season (Nancy, Steve, Hopper, and Joyce). Fun Cameo there.

“What’s wrong?” You wondered, following his eyes.

“October 16th, 1985. 6:48PM.”

“Yes. That’s today’s date and time. What about it?” You pressed, growing confused.

“Remember it.” He warned.

“Why?”

“It’s when I fell in love with you.”

This iconic line I actually got from the real Jeon Jungkook himself. While Jungkook wasn’t actually in love with Y/N here, it certainly was a cute way for him to express his admiration for her.

OH HERE’S A FUN FACT: the hickey scene at the end of this chapter where JK and Y/N kiss for the first time was actually supposed to be Yara giving Y/N the hickey like the best friend she is. Ultimately I went with JK giving it for... smut purposes... ≖‿≖ 

CHAPTER FOUR – THE HALLOWEEN PARTY

The decision for Y/N to be Freddie Krueger came from me planning to be him for Halloween. And I was! JK as Glen Lantz just followed naturally. I’ve seen some great edits of him as the character. Truly chef’s kiss.

I really liked that Jungkook came over to the girl’s dorm to get ready. I didn’t want a scene where Y/N was thrown into a situation she was uncomfortable with which is how much Nerd At A Party Scene go so made sure Jungkook stayed by her side throughout the part, going out of his way to introducing her to the people he cared about.

Tae’s character came in when I realized I needed a way to actually put Y/N’s event in motion. He was the missing link and BOY did you guys eat his character right up huh. Love that for me.

Another thing, the confrontation with Kiri was so hard to write guys, I reeaaaally struggle with girl conflict. GIRLS SHOULD SUPPORT GIRLS. However, not everyone gets along in real life so I went with Kiri being more along the lines of petty rather than outwardly a cunt to Y/N. Realistically, Kiri is popular and well liked among the greek life so being unkind to someone she hardly knows wouldn’t make sense. There’s definitely tension between these two but I tried my best to steer away from the typical cat fight/revenge porn/public humiliation trope most movies seem to follow.

CHAPTER FIVE – THE FIRST TIME

Introduction to Erik!!!! It was really important to me that Y/N had a life before Jungkook. That's why I wrote in Y/N having a fiancé. She’s not opposed to love, she just has reshifted her focus. She knows what she wants and is choosing to focus on that, which why when she realizes she’s falling for Kookie she’s so hesitant to admit it because she’s fallen down that road before. Even though Jungkook treats her with respect and acknowledges the parts of her she’s most proud of, she just isn’t willing to possibly give up her passions for love. Which is why she doesn’t immediately confess to him, even once she’s sure she loves him.

“I’m serious, nerd. You’re like… um… the sun!” Jungkook marveled, eyes growing full as the realization dawned on him.

“The sun?” You laughed.

“Yeah, like… you’re this bright, beautiful thing that seems like it’s here in front of me but is really light-years away.”

Jungkook was drunk, and although you were sure he was making more sense in his head, you couldn’t help but feel your face grow hot, unsure of how to react to his drunk analogy.

“You’re the sun, Y/N. You make the world turn for you. Never orbit for anyone else.”

And suddenly, you were kissing him, for no other reason other than you wanted to and that it felt like the right thing to do.

No real commentary here. Just love this bit. It’s probably my favorite interaction between them two ‧⁺◟( ᵒ̴̶̷̥́ ·̫ ᵒ̴̶̷̣̥̀ ) 

“Also… She’s, uh, currently dating Eunwoo.” You told Yara.

Your best friend blinked, silence falling over her.

“Yara?”

“Good for her.” She perked up almost forcibly. “Let her put up with his annoying ass.”

Yara could see the way your expression had turned dubious as if you didn’t believe her nonchalant act.

Yara turned up her nose defensively, “What?”

Ugh yes, some character development from Yara.... the flavor ! Yara (much like Y/N and JK) also struggles with love. She has a real fear of commitment and if far more comfortable with casual sex than relationships. She did develop actual feelings for Eunwoo, she just wasn’t ready for that kind of commitment so she cut him off. Fleed the scene if you will. Typical gemini smh my head.

"I don’t think the contract mentioned orgasms.” Jungkook smirked as you released his thumb.

“I say we let it slide.” You shrugged, leaning into him casually.

“You think?”

“Totally. Think of it as… a bonding activity.” You joked, resting your chin on his shoulder, peering up through your lashes.

“Damn, we’re really committed to this fake dating thing, huh.”

You laughed in the way that you hated, but Jungkook loved; it was loud and abrupt, but it genuine, and it was you.

“What can I say, I’m a method actor.” You sighed dramatically, causing Jungkook to grin before pressing a kiss to your nose, simply because he liked the way it always seemed to make you smile.

GOD THEY’RE SO WHIPPED FOR EACH OTHER ITS DISGUSTING!!!!!! I’m really happy I decided not to make sleeping together a big deal and I got a lot of feedback from you guys agreeing! I had a lot of fun with these two’s sex scenes knowing they could do it whenever they wanted.

CHAPTER SIX – THE STEM EVENT

I started the scene with smut BUT I wanted to point out that much of their time spent together is at Y/N dorm, Jungkook either napping, hanging out or doing work as Y/N would study like she always did. I liked the idea that Jungkook would get bored and would want attention from Y/N because she was so focused. Idk, I just wanted to write a love story about two people spending time together and figuring out how they fit in each other’s lives as opposed to some dramatic I mEeT HiM aNd mY LiFe bEcAmE cRaZy. There’s nothing wrong with that plot line, I just didn’t want that for these two dorks. I wanted Y/N to interact with JK’s scene and crowd but not give up her own which is why most days JK and her just lounged around in her dorm studying.

Also, I don’t know how the teacher/student roleplay made it into the smut, it just did, no further questions (ʃ⌣́_⌣́ƪ).

Then the event scene.

“You’re whipped, dude! Seriously.”

Jungkook felt his face go red, “Shut up, no, I’m not.”

“Hey, I’m not judging. I get it. That’s your girl.” Taehyung shrugged. Jungkook placed a hand on the fold up table in front of him, staring down at the information pamphlet you had worked so hard on.

“She’s just… so fucking driven and passionate about everything she does. Sometimes I look at her, and I’m just like… holy shit, what am I doing with a girl like her? I feel like she’s totally out of my league and being with me is holding her back but— I dunno, man. I just… really like her.” Jungkook revealed, voice growing small.

An unexpected wave of tenderness fell over the two boys, Taehyung throwing an arm over his little brother’s shoulder.

“I’m happy for you, bro.”

Jungkook didn’t know it just yet but dude was talking from the heart and, is in fact, totally whipped :’c

I loved the confrontation scene between the boys and Eunwoo because the boys standing up for Yara really did make everyone feel like a friend group, not just some character who happen to exist at the same time. It wasn’t just Y/N and Yara and one side and the boys on the other. They would all become friends, which is ideal to me. A boyfriend who likes your best friend and considers her a friend so you can all hang out??? Yes please.

Initially, irl Yara and I had noooo clue if Yara would end up with Eunwoo or not. That was actually the original goal actually. But after this chapter four, you guys made it ABUNDANTLY clear that you guys wanted to see Taeyara, despite the two never even meeting! Honestly, it wasn’t until this chapter was written that we decided for sure that Eunwoo was out of the picture for Yara. Part of me really wanted to keep Yara single, but irl Yara insisted on dick and frankly, she’s right. Bitchin’ Yara deserved a shot at love. She definitely has her own story outside of Bitchin’ and will experience a lot of growth in the future.

“God, I know. I do not miss that temper of his.” She chuckled, her words piquing your interest.

“Temper?”

“Oh, yeah. Have you seriously not experienced it yet? He’s got some gnarly anger issues. Not to mention all the lying…” Kiri paused suddenly, straightening up as she flashed you an apologetic look. “Yikes, I’m sorry. I totally should not be telling you this. I’m not trying to be that gross girl that shit talks her ex to his current girlfriend.”

Miss Kiri, Miss Kiri. She really acted up this chapter didn’t she. There was a lot of discussion about whether or not those things she said about Jungkook were true. Which was exactly what I wanted hehe. We come to find out that Kiri had definitely stretched the truth. She really is good at manipulation and understanding how people think and it’s why she is in the role that she is in. Messy queen.

CHAPTER SEVEN – THE ROOFTOP DATE

This entire chapter was inspired by High School Musical with Troy and Gabriella’s rooftop garden scenes. This was my shortest chapter and honestly, probably not my strongest. I definitely went into writing this with zero concept of what I actually wanted to happen. Usually when I write my chapters I have a 4k long outline of it beforehand that I go off of. Not this one though. I really just winged it and I tried my best to write a chapter that really showed off (dialogue wise) just how this couple bounces off each other. I do really like some of the banter they have in this chapter.

You had taken note a little wooden popsicle stick poking up from the soil of the yellow flowers. Acacias, they were marked. Pulling your knees up to your chest, you considered his words.

Yellow acacias stands the value of true friendship and can indicate a secret love! I thought that was very appropriate given these dummies' relationship.

“So, you probably know why I brought you here.”

You nodded.

“You’re proposing, right?”

“Yeah, I– oh, shut up.” He laughed, the serious mood shattering as you joined him.

Even though I knew they were going to have a semi serious talk, what with Y/N asking about what Kiri had told her, these two dufuses realistically are just too comfortable with each other to stay serious for too long.

“Hey, I said that out of frustration, I didn’t really mean it. I’m sure she’ll come crawling back soon.” You attempted to comfort him, hoping to sound sincere.

“Even if that’s true, I’m not entirely sure I want that anymore.”

“What?” You blinked. Jungkook shrugged.

“What about us?” He met your eyes, causing your breath to hitch.

“What about us?”

Jungkook stared at you for a moment, noting the way the timber in your voice had become higher pitched as if panicked.

MORE FUN FACTS LMFAO: I typically do this thing with unplanned chapters where I just go for it and write and usually it works out. But when I wrote this down I remember stopping and being like ??? WHY DID I JUST WRITE THAT ??? I don’t like deleting my writing so I had a serious think to myself about whether this was going to be the moment Jungkook confessed or not.

Canonly, I decided that Jungkook did in fact mean ‘us’ in a romantic sense, but because of the way you perceivably panicked at that possible meaning, he decided against taking the conversation in that direction, instead speaking about ‘us’ in a platonic sense. Poor kookie :(

“Stop. Listen to me, Jungkook, you’re a fucking great guy, okay? You’re charismatic and funny and care about your friends… sure, you almost ruined my event, but it was mostly to defend my best friend when Eunwoo got too pushy, right? You’re a good guy, meathead. I know I joke about your ego, but I really believe you’re capable of more than you think you are. Seriously, Kiri is so lucky to be the object of your affection.”

Jungkook watched the way the sun’s orange light kissed your face, a bittersweet feeling growing in his chest as he contemplated the object of his affection. Just a couple of months ago, he would have had no doubt about who held his heart, but as you held his stare, he found himself unsure and yet, entirely sure all the same.

“Jungkook? You okay?” You frowned, catching in the sadness in his eyes.

“Hm? Yeah, yeah. I just… realized something.”

“Oh? What’s that?”

“…It doesn’t matter.” He smiled, the gesture hardly reaching his eyes.

It’s in this moment that Jungkook decides that there is no way you hold the same affection towards him that he does to you. He mistakes your words of comfort as you pushing him away. You are so kind and encouraging and Jungkook loves you so much that hearing you insist about him ending back up with Kiri hurts him so bad.

But you are still unsure about your feelings and genuinely believe that's still what Jungkook wants. You’re just being a supportive friend!! :( It isn’t until the end of this chapter when Y/N has her talk with Yara that she realizes, oh man, she’s in deep.

CHAPTER EIGHT – THE MISTAKE

BLAH. This chapter is so BLAH, you know? Having to write this chapter was SO HARD. I texted irl Yara complaining about how much I hated having to put my characters through this and that I wanted to just end the story on chapter 7 and keep them happy forever. BUT ALAS! I had planned for this to happen from the start.

You tasted like the mint of your favorite brand of toothpaste. He imagined if he had caught you any later then the mint would have been accompanied by the taste of coffee, knowing the way you rarely started a day without a cup.

God, he had missed the taste of you.

What you guys didn’t see is Jungkook spending the night with Kiri, and immediately kicking her out, freaking out as the weight of guilt washed over him. He knew he had done nothing wrong, that you weren’t his real girlfriend, and that getting back together with Kiri was exactly what he had signed up for. It was what he should’ve wanted. But it wasn't… because you were what he wanted. And that was exactly what he was going to tell you as he marched over to your apartment.

But he panicked. His mind already decided that your answer to him would be no– that you didn’t feel the same. So he kissed you. He had you in the only way he was allowed to. He was selfish and impulsive and so incredibly scared that he ended up hurting the person he loved the most.

Initially though, I had Jungkook get back together with Kiri, not that he slept with her right before sleeping with Y/N. But I decided TEEHEE let me just make everything erupt into flames. However, I didn’t realize just how angry with Jungkook you guys would get. I remember thinking DAMMIT WAS THAT TOO SCANDALOUS?? I knew I was going to have to work hard for Jungkook to redeem himself to my readers.

“She wants to get back together.” Jungkook swallowed dryly, eyes wavering between yours as if to gauge your reaction.

“…Oh.”

You shook your head.

“I mean, wow! That’s… That’s great!” You smiled, something tearing apart inside you as the words left your lips.

“Y/N–”

“Seriously! This means it worked, right? This is exactly what you wanted to happen.” You enthused, turning your head so that he couldn’t see the way your eyes had welled up.

Jungkook’s heart was pounding in his ears, fighting the urge to wrap his arms around you.

“Yeah… yeah, no, you’re right. We did it.” He replied monotonously.

GOD THIS PART IS SO UNBELIEVABLY FRUSTRATING! JUST ADMIT YOU LOVE EACH OTHER YOU MORONS! This entire situation is so convoluted because there's so much information missing and not being expressed, I seriously want to ring my own neck rereading this bit.

“Are you mad?” He called out cautiously, a heavy feeling falling onto his chest.

“Why would I be mad?” You quipped back sharply, causing Jungkook to flinch. He shifted in his seat uncomfortably.

“I just thought… I mean we’ve been fooling around a lot lately, so I didn’t know if—”

“If what? I had feelings for you?” You scoffed. “Please, as if I’d ever fall for you.”

And there it was— everything Jungkook already knew but had been so afraid to hear. Of course, you didn’t feel for him what he felt for you. How could he have expected anything different?

IDIOTS!!! THEY'RE BOTH IDIOTS!!! I don't know how y'all put up with this for so long. Forgive me.

CHAPTER NINE – THE BREAK

Okay I actually love this chapter. And for many reasons. Let me break down the three scenes for you guys.

Scene one: Kiri confrontation

Kiri is definitely an opposing antagonist. She is constantly working against Y/N because of their interests directly conflicting. BUT. I would argue that the biggest antagonist to this story is the inner ones – Y/N and Jungkook's lack of ability to admit their feelings constantly holding them both back from their happy ending. That being said, a confrontation scene between Y/N and Kiri was MUCH needed. While I suppose I can understand why Kiri doesn't like Y/N, that doesn't change the fact that she has been disrespectful and catty. So miss Y/N had to put Miss Kiri in her place (•̀ᴗ•́)

Scene two: Yara and Tae at the library

Fanservice. That is all. LMFAOOO y'all reallllyyy wanted it to happen and who am I to deny my people what they want. It was really fun getting to explore my side characters and develop them through interactions outside the two main characters. IRL Yara also mentioned giving bitchin’ Yara and Tae their own chapter as a joke and I was like LOL BET. I fully was going to but then I got the idea for the next scene and was like ahh ok maybe not the whole chapter.

Scene three: Meeting with Erik

So. This was a SUPER last minute decision. Like, it wasn’t until I was writing this chapter that I planned on Erik making an appearance. I saw a tweet with someone saying their bitchin theories and they mentioned Erik appearing out of nowhere and I was like,,, HOLD ON!!!! That could be kind of spicy ≖‿≖ 

I knew for a fact JK was NOT going to be forgiven in this chapter; I needed a way to lay the situation out between the two dorks without trying to seem like I was trying to sway my audience in a way that didn't make sense to the story. Y/N was rightfully angry. But she wasn't only angry about the timing of the sex. She was angry that Jungkook went back to Kiri at all and there was no way she was going to admit that. So who better to lay it all out than calculated, unbiased third party Erik. He deserved some character development after all.

I also liked the idea that Y/N had, in theory, “romantic options.” Losing Jungkook didn’t mean the end of her life. Having my female lead stand on her own was very important to me.

CHAPTER TEN – THE END

RIGHT OF THE BAT I needed Jungkook to suffer. So that whole scene where he tries to interact with his old group only for his presence to make everything awkward MMMM yes, sweet revenge on my part.

You were surprised. His hair was no longer shaggy and long like you remembered it. Instead, it had been freshly cut, looking healthy and neatly styled for the first time since you met Jungkook.

THE WAY SO MANY PEOPLE COMMENTED ON THIS LINE “but Y/N liked it long?!?”  IS SO FUNNNYyyyy. So let me clarify a thing. Jungkook had always wanted to cut his hair right. The only reason he didn’t was because Y/N told him not to. With Y/N no longer in the picture to convince him out of it, he cut his hair. That’s really all there is to it skfjsjf.

You know, I had written this part around the time I had just finished up the third ch believe it or not. And it was COMPLETELY different. I had it planned that Yara and Y/N ignored him throughout class and Yara had gone back after the bell rang to go verbally assault JK. And as the two hashed it out, only then was that when Jungkook would realize that he liked Y/N after Yara literally spelled it out for him.

“You like her, dumbass!” Was what I had written Yara saying. I really had written him in denial for ten chapters, I was a whole sociopath (╥﹏╥). But ultimately, I decided that Jungkook came to that conclusion on his own and the decision to apologize to Y/N would have been made over winter break.

“You said Kiri came over asking for you back, yet you still came over and slept with me the next day. Even though the two of you had sex the night before. Do you understand how that makes me feel?”

“I’m—”

“Like garbage!" You emphasized, the white paint of the door somehow irritating you further. "I felt like I was something you threw away and picked back up whenever you felt like getting your dick wet.”

Your chest was rising and falling rapidly, and you tried your hardest to not let your emotions get the best of you.

“Not to mention to everyone else, it looks like you cheated on me. Which makes me look like a fucking idiot." You scoffed.

Jungkook said nothing in reply, which somehow made it easier to say all you should have said that day in your room.

“It just sucks to realize that someone you once cared about sees you as nothing more than a toy. It fucking sucks.”

Man :( writing this hurt my heart. I really, really, love bitchin!y/n and writing her hurting freaking stinks. But she had to speak her mind. She deserves the chance to get everything off her chest with the way Jungkook hurt her.

Your heart and mind were in constant paradox, torn between wanting him back and wanting him to know just how much he had hurt you. Your mind ultimately won the battle, of course, but as Jungkook stood just a few inches of drywood apart pouring his heart out, it was hard to say which major organ was responsible for your next words.

The creak of the door being pushed open sent Jungkook's eyes wide, revealing your hesitant form. You had your arms crossed over your chest as if to guard the contents inside of it.

You looked like an angel underneath the bathroom's blue fluorescent lights, beautiful and lovely, a stark contrast from your next crushing sentence.

“I slept with Erik.”

Hehe. Ofc my girl Y/N had to have a rebound!!! She knows that life goes on. However, as I wrote in, she definitely regretted it. It was kind of the same situation that Jungkook was in where he pursued something just because it was familiar and a distraction and not because he really wanted it. Both Y/N and Jungkook are flawed characters but that’s okay! If anything, Y/N’s mistake of sleeping with Erik is what allows her to forgive Jungkook. Knowing first hand how complicated their entire relationship really was.

“I don’t need you… but I don’t think I want a life without you.” You finished shyly.

Your eyes were locked with his when suddenly a small noise escaped him, eyes pulling away from yours as his head moved to attempt to hide the way his eyes had grown wet.

I got this line from one of my best friends after her ex broke up with her. It made me physically sad and really sympathize with her so I quickly wrote it down into my notes app to save for later LMAOOOO. Knowing that you are your own person and life will inevitably go on after losing someone, but that your heart still wants and is pleading for the one person you can’t have. SO SAD. I’m happy I got to use this line in one of my fics.

The note Jungkook wrote Y/N,,, imagine him not being able to sleep one night over winter break so he just writes down everything he should have told Y/N while he still had the chance…. I’ll for real cry dude, he’s so cute. Also, the line about him buying you fluffy Halloween socks for Christmas went over people’s heads I think but HECK I THOUGHT THAT WAS SO FUNNY AND SWEET (because Y/N bought Christmas socks when it was Halloween teehee).

"Are you two dorks done crying?" Yara’s voice rang out suddenly, causing both of you to jump apart.

"Yara, you creep! Privacy, dude! Ever try knocking?" You sniffed, wiping at your face hurriedly.

"What? Like you were peeing with Jungkook in the bathroom? Please." She waved you off, walking back into the living room to give you two some privacy. She did say Jungkook had 15 minutes before she’d have to come back in after all. "Anyway, Tae will be over in 10 minutes for the Saved By The Bell marathon that’s on so you guys are more than welcomed to join." She called out from her newly seated position on the couch.

I included this scene with Yara because things were getting too serious for my liking ngl. Plus the idea that the four of them would all come together at the end for a much needed reunion made my happy bitchin heart soar.

Jungkook let out a laugh, his palm finding your cheek, eyes locked on your lips. You were preening for his kiss, mouth parting slightly as you anticipated it.

“Partners?”

The question took you by surprise, eyes widening at your not so pretend lover.

Idiot.

“Partners.” You smiled softly, eyes shiny and brimming with tears as he kissed you for what must have been the millionth time, but still somehow felt like the first.

UGH I LOVE THEM I REALLY DO. I was so happy with how this final scene came out :( They’re partners, they really are I miss these boneheads.

AND NOW, I PRESENT THE CANON FUTURE OF THE BITCHIN UNIVERSE...

10 YEARS LATER

Let’s be honest, Jungkook popped the question the day of graduation, he can’t imagine a life in which you wouldn’t be beside him

You said yes (shocker)

Cue Jungkook being the most wonderful partner and respecting your wish to finish your residency program before having the wedding

You absolutely kick ass at being a neonatal surgeon

Also, Jungkook started a film company! It’s small but he loves what he does and works with colleges and helps out the film majors with resources and equipment <3

SO IT'S THE DAY OF YOUR WEDDING RIGHT

Yara and your sisters are helping you get ready, with your best friend as the ever so reassuring maid of honor

And by that I mean you’re as calm as a cucumber and Yara is one wrong move away from having a stroke

“Y/N… Don’t freak out....The catering company put in two orders of shrimp instead of chicken and steak.”

“Yara, it’s okay.”

“NO ITS NOT???? THIS IS YOUR WEDDING DAY AND YOU’RE GETTING CRUSTACEANS.”

Y/N making Yara take a seat and practice some breathing exercises so she doesn’t upset the baby

Oh yeah, Yara is 10 weeks pregnant

Taehyung is the dad lol

Yara and Taehyung have been together ever since that day at the library hehe <3

They moved in together and adopted a cat and everything (sweet boy Tae wanted a dog but Yara’s afraid of dogs and Tae would do anything for that woman so Yeontan the cat it is)

Yara refuses to put a label on their relationship even after all this time, and Tae doesn’t ask for one. They’re happy and dedicated to each other and don’t feel the need to put pressure on something that’s already so perfect

Yara is actually violently in love with Tae but still scoffs when Y/N tries to bring it up

“Oh my god, you’re so in love with him”

“Huh??? you must be sick or something. Get well soon, damn :/”

Yara likes to come up with different labels for Taehyung every time she has to introduce him. Among her favorites are roommate, rent sharer, baby daddy and penis lender

Speaking of Taehyung, he’d have a hand on Jungkook’s shoulder as he tries to calm down the panicking groom to be

“JK, breathe.”

“What if she doesn’t show up? What if she doesn’t want to marry me? What if I pressured her into this and— and I’ve freaked her out and now she hates me?”

“Dude, you guys have been engaged for eight years. She’s had her opportunity to run. She’ll show up.”

Taehyung scruffing up the younger man’s hair reassuringly, which only flusters him more because DAMMIT he wants to look perfect for you and now his hair is messed up >:(

(You like him no matter what his hair looks like though)

Jungkook literally swallowing down a sob as you walk down the aisle and he lays his eyes on you for the first time

You having a dumb smile on your face the entire walk over because your husband to be is crying and you haven’t even exchanged vows yet

The entire audience going all sobby when you finally do exchange vows because they’re so beautiful and real

The ten years together has not been easy— from financial struggles as you tried to support yourself through med school, to personal conflicts when Jungkook wanted to start a family already

But you guys figured it out

You always do

He’s your person. And you are his.

Y/N’s sisters Rosa and Lia are a WRECK— even your dad is tearing up

Your family loves Jungkook and have been counting down the days until you guys married, let’s be honest

“You may now kiss the bride.”

Jungkook punching the air with a “FINALLY!” before kissing the hell out of you

The cutting of the cake inevitably turning into a food fight

The shrimp entrees turning out to be pretty damn good

Yara catching the bouquet and wagging her brows at Taehyung suggestively

Jungkook pulling you aside to take photos of you outside the venue because you look so so pretty and he loves the way you smile when he’s the one behind the camera

The party is in full session, your siblings tearing up the dance floor like the extroverts they are

You and Jungkook are sat at the head of the room, hands intertwined underneath the table as you watch a tired and painfully sober Yara swing her bare feet onto Taehyung’s lap, requesting a foot rub

Watching your pregnant best friend and her lover together, you turned towards your own, smile impossibly wide

“What?”

“Let’s have a baby.” You’d grin, so stupid happy

Jungkook’s eyes going round and immediately jumping up from his seat because god that’s all he’s ever wanted

Being tugged out the room by a giddy Jungkook, one of your heels flinging off somewhere behind you.

“What’s happening? Where are we going?!”

The two of you find yourself in a storage room somewhere on the hotel floor

“Jeon Jungkook, what the hell—“

His mouth find yourself, kissing you in a way that couldn’t at the altar

You kissed him back without questions, arms wrapping around the man you now called your husband

“I love you.” He’d sigh into your neck, his hot breath causing you to shiver

“I love you too.”

“Let’s make a baby.”

“Yeah let’s— wait, right here? Right now?!”

Jungkook merely nodding as his mouth found the exposed skin of your chest

“Meathead, we can’t just ditch our wedding to have sex!”

“Why not? We did our marital duties. Now it’s our guests' job to get embarrassingly drunk and make a fool of themselves on the dance floor. No one will even miss us.”

“Isn’t baby making what our honeymoon is for?”

“Screw that. I’ve done my waiting. Let’s start our family, nerd.”

Jungkook kissing your protests silent before you inevitably give in and let him take you right there and then, your wedding dress hung around your hips

Husband and wife coming together with shaky breaths and hushed moans as they promise the rest of their lives to each other, making every argument, struggle or moment of uncertainty leading up to now totally worth it

Walk of shame back into the party with nervous hair fixing from you and a proud grin from Jungkook

Yara figuring out exactly why you two had sneaked off to, flashing the newly weds a knowing smirk

The night of your wedding, Jungkook surprises you with a present

You unwrap it in confusion, only to see that it’s a glass frame and inside of it is the wrinkled and worn out lined paper the two of you had scribbled on many many years ago

Jungkook hangs up the contract right above your bed as per your request, smiling as he does and jumping on him the moment he puts down the hammer bc dammit it you’re too heckin excited to make love with your sentimental loser of a husband

And yes, by the next month, you are pregnant and incredibly happy

And of course, your daughter and Yara’s son grow up to be best friends, not a family holiday passing by where they aren’t told the story of the totally bitchin’ way both set of their parents got together

[lesbiancarat]

Book anon!! Seeing the boys be back feels so wild in a good way like suddenly we have so much happening from pics, video performances, future jun solo stuff again and hoshi solo!?! To speculate, the spider logo gives me Spiderman vibes so is this hoshi saying he is Peter Parker lol? Like I know I said I missed the boys but my gosh they don't have to dump EVERYTHING on us lol

To slightly still talk about the mingyu situation (which I hope its alright!) I found something annoying during all of this that you echoed and some anon's said and it was how QUICK some fans were dismiss OP1 with her experience and feelings, making it seem like mingyu is the one that had it worst. Now by all means, it is upsetting to know that yes this will follow mingyu and the rest of the boys till the end of time. Sadly we cannot change that, all we can do is correct people on the situation so I do kinda feel bad BUT to say mingyu is "completely innocent and not at fault" makes me confused because ??? He isn't, not fully. Do people forget that he ADMITS to saying jokes. Yes not towards OP but he still said such jokes and to me, that doesn't mean he is innocent. He admits his faults and takes accountability to that, I give kudos for ya know? Like yes he is my bias but my gosh I am not going to claim he didn't do wrong when well...he did. It frustrates me that fans suddenly forget that the main cause of chaos (at least internationally for fans) was of that horrible mistranslations. I'm sure kfans were also upset but seeing icarats demand pledis to S word OP1 when that isn't the right mindset. I had some hope fans would be smart, especially after the news we found out about mistranslations and all but looks like this fandom isn't safe from bad apples =/ this makes me confused like how do people just idk, not have their morals i guess, when it comes to their faves?

For me, where i stand with mingyu is im disappointed that mingyu said jokes but I'm willing to give him a chance so to speak, like I'm a bit more ok with say reblogging content a out him. For anons that I saw who said they need time, that is valid! It is ok to take a step back from the member, group or fandom! This fandom space should make you happy and comfy and with what has happened, things are rocky and your feelings are valid! Never doubt yourself for overthinking or saying you're a bad fan bc you are not. If you do decide to leave the fandom, I hope despite the dark cloud with what happened, you can remember the warm sunshine (aka happy moments) from the fandom and boys. Its ok to no longer be a fan, things change and we change as people. It is also ok to not be apart of the fandom while being a fan (how im sort of in with bts). It may seem like you're the only one feeling like this but you are not! Do what makes you comfy to my fellow carats! If you are ready to comeback, I am here with cookies. And if not, I am also here with cookies!

*clears throat* to move on a bit, for the hybe naming, ahh that makes more sense! Thanks for clearing that up, I guess I miss read the article I read. I saw you mentioned pledis might be moving and oof, that kinda hurts. I sort of thought they wouldn't due to it just being an investment but should have seen it coming. I will miss that green room

right? it kind of feels like they went from 0 to 100 with the content dhfkfj

and yeah i agree, it's frustrating that it seems like a lot of people can't see or understand the nuance of the situation. i think maybe some people are trying to overcompensate for the mistranslations which had such serious accusations, and i think others are just uncomfortable with the idea that celebrities can make mistakes and be forgiven (as in, they think the only way celebs can be "forgiven" is if they were completely innocent in the first place. otherwise they must be cancelled and since they don't want to cancel mg he must be 100% innocent!). but i don't think either of those, or any reason really, justifies the lack of compassion for any of the OPs. it's possible to have conflicts where no party is a villain, actually

i do think the correct response for carats as a whole is to start moving on. the conflict between OP1 and mingyu has been resolved between the two of them, and the other claims were proven false. if OP1 is satisfied, there's no need for carats or non carats to call for mg to be punished further. but on the other side of that, which as you mentioned is more of a problem currently, there's no reason to punish (ie sue) any of the OPs. as i said in my other post, the OPs are still victims even if mg wasn't the perpetrator of the other claims. if even an institution whose primary purpose is to make money (ie pledis) can look at the situation and be like 'hey, it wouldn't be right to try to prosecute these people so we're not going to' then i think that's a sign that to sue these people would be unjust

but also to clarify when I say carats as a whole should move on i mean there's no collective action we can or should take that would be helpful. i don't mean that every individual should force themselves to move on before they're ready. as I've said before and as you've said, i think any carat that needs more time to process and isn't ready to go back to doing normal fan stuff, or those who won't ever be and decide to leave the fandom are totally valid! i second everything you said in that regard, everyone should do what makes them most comfortable ^^

also you say it makes more sense but you may have been right in the first place OTL. i mean what i said before about there being 3 different entities is true. before there was Bighit co. ltd, Bighit labels, and bighit entertainment. We know Bighit co. ltd is being renamed to HYBE and we know that bighit entertainment is Not being renamed, but it's the Bighit labels that's where the confusion lies. i /thought/ bh labels wasn't being renamed but i watched their rebranding presentation since i answered your last ask and it sounds like it is being renamed to HYBE labels. they haven't changed the youtube channel name yet though which is kind of what I'm waiting for so i guess we'll see?

yeah people have been talking for ages about how all the artists are gonna be in the new building and i was always kind of skeptical. i thought it was more likely that pledis would just have a few offices in the bh building rather than relocating their Entire Company lmao but it looks like that's what's happening. it is a nice facility, but yeah it's a bit bittersweet to say goodbye to both of the pledis buildings since so many things happened there 😭

[conduitandconjurer]

Hi there! I’ve lurked for a little while and just recently followed. You have a really interesting take on Klaus and I’d like to ask: what kind of things do you do to get into character so to speak? Are there any important things about his character you like to keep in mind when you write him? And as someone who has written for many years but is considering rp, any advice for a first-timer? Thanks and hope you have a wonderful day/night!

First of all you should know that I’ve been rping on various platforms for over 15 years at this point, and messages like this still MAKE MY WHOLE WORLD BETTER <33333  Thank you SO much for your gracious and generous kind words.  You took a second to extend a hello and compliment my hard work and it means so so much.

So Klaus and I are NOTHING alike, which is exactly why I choose to write muses like him.  It provides me an outlet of escape from my own life (which has its ups and downs) and it’s a creative and intellectual challenge to understand what makes a person so behaviorally different from myself tick. Most writers like to write characters who are like them.  And I do that too, but for me, I just need some single trait in a character that I resonate with. For Klaus, it’s his innate sweetness and vulnerability (which he tries and fails to conceal) and his need (and failure) to establish boundaries (with family and with ghosts), and finally it’s his fear of being insufficient as a person his family can rely upon (which he copes with by creating artificial emotional distance, and abusing substances, whereas I the mun marinate in guilt and try to overcompensate lmao).  While we’re still not alike, I can BEGIN to understand WHY he behaves the way he does, and I can build my portrayal off of that. 

Put another way, most of my muses are queer nonbinary he/him/they pronoun users, often neurodivergent, who are undergoing a moral struggle, usually somewhere in the antihero category, or even villains. I on the other hand am a queer cis disabled woman with PTSD who is a Lawful Good......and I think that, having a point for relating to but still not being exactly like my muses,  I almost begin to see myself as these characters’ mother or advocate of some kind.  I want to see them GROW and THRIVE.  From that urge, I derive the compassion that every writer needs to have for their character to (try to) portray them authentically.  

And that also means that the character is not going to remain within the bounds of their canonical portrayal. The way I write them will always START and be BASED ON that.  But the character will grow far afield of it.  Take Klaus, for instance. I sense you call my portrayal “interesting” (correct me if I’m wrong) because I choose to write Klaus as almost always post-season 2 AND sober.  He’s more at peace with himself than he was during the first season, he’s begun to properly process his grief for Dave Katz, he’s getting clean and staying clean, he’s becoming more emotionally reliable.  But he still makes mistakes, he still has the most severe, frustrating and painful (for him) case of ADHD I have ever seen, people still don’t “take him seriously” (his own words) and he has to grow a thick skin about their dismissive behavior.  

The fandom, even a number of Klaus rpers, like to keep Klaus in this depressing stasis chamber where he’s constantly nihilistic, selfish, and strung out, and a lot of people see Klaus’s addictions as the brunt of jokes, and while that’s cool for them, and I’d never ask them to censor their portrayal, that makes me uncomfortable. As a person who’s worked with, still works with, at-risk youth at the college level, I just can’t jive with it.  Addiction is an illness and it’s not funny, and there are underlying reasons for Klaus’s addictions.  And what I want to do is excavate those underlying reasons, and watch him get the support he needs. He is still a snarky, sartorial, chaotic, quirkily sweet goofball when he’s sober.  He’s still Klaus.  

Things I do to get in the headspace:

--Listen to playlists that I make for the character or mood. Music is crucial.  --Watch videos of Robert Sheehan talking. Doesn’t have to be as Klaus, but sometimes is.  If you can’t hear the character in the dialogue (not only word choose but little mannerisms and speech patterns), rewrite it. Don’t settle until you can hear the actor’s voice.   --Scream to my friends on Discord about how much I love specific elements of the character, to get psyched up. I’m so sorry, @apocalypsejumped, you are the main person I do this to with Klaus, lmfao.  

--Never EVER look at my follower count, because it’s gonna either depress or intimidate me. 

--Look at pictures of the character. I’m incredibly visual. Just looking at my own screenshots makes me want to dissect him more. 

For advice? Oh lordy!   Uhhhh..... 

Write a lot. Practice a lot. I have a PhD and have written book manuscripts exceeding 600 pages, but you don’t have to go that far, lmao. That drabble in your head at 3 am? Get up and write it down. That passing bit of funny dialogue you think your muse would say? Write it down. I used to carry around a physical journal. Now I use my laptop. 

Write fast and only edit minimally because this is for fun, avocational, and you don’t want to spoil it with too much plotting and refinement.

Drop threads that aren’t working for you. Again, this is not a job, and when it feels like one, scale back.

Resist the urge to over-format.  If your posts cease to be easily legible, the aesthetic will only impede the flow of your prose.   It’s okay to vary your writing voice character by character. My syntax, vocab/word choice, sentence length and structure, vary from one muse to the other, bc the standard rp pov is third person singular, present-tense, meaning your muse is narrating it all from their specific pov.  Klaus and say, a very serious, formal character, would not have the same internal monologue, or even exposition. 

Beware of writing partners who are passive aggressive or possessive, who get jealous of your writing with others, and guilt you for spending your time elsewhere than catering to their needs.  I spent eight years in one of these writing partnerships and only escaped last March, and I am still recovering emotionally. Writing partners can absolutely be abusive, so make sure to enforce healthy boundaries and when they are violated repeatedly, run.

Pick a blog theme that is clearly organized and accessible. 

Don’t pick “main” or heaven forbid “exclusive” writing partners until you have experimented with your chemistry with a number of “versions” of their character (especially canons).  Take your time and see who you gel with. Sometimes you can have a great friendship with someone and your writing together still doesn’t click. It all depends on chemistry.  

Pick a small group of like minded friends and write with them. Do not worry about “exposure” or “popularity,” they are over rated.  Fandoms are genuinely crazy.  Just sit in your sandbox with your trusted buddies. <3 

Anyone else reading this, chime in with some writing advice for nonnie! <3 They’re an experienced writer but new to rp! 

[hueningkoi]

Hey I know you did this for being nonbinary but I'm not sure if you've done anything for being aromantic.... I was wondering if you could explain kinda how you found out you were aro? If you don't want to that's totally fine! I've just been questioning myself for a long time now & it's still so confusing

Okay so my aromantic identity is the identity I am the most 100% about. I am full aro. There's no ifs ands or buts about romance for me lol like it's a NO. And I actually have gone into detail about how I know I'm aro before but finding that post would be a nightmare thanks to tumblr lmao so I'll go through it again in a heartbeat if it helps a fellow aro!!!

1. I have never had a crush before. I have had ppl I thought were crushes but it turns out I just really wanted to be their friend!!

2. I used to make up crushes to fit in. All throughout school ppl would talk about crushes and ask me about my crushes and when I'd say I had none ppl took it way worse than if I pretended so I remember going through year books by myself and finding a cute person and telling everyone that was my crush even though I honestly could not give a fuck about them that way 😂

3. I have always hated romance movies and books. Like romance as a genre has always been my least favorite ever

4. The biggest clue for me..... So. I've dated a lot. Like... a lot. And I realize now that it was me overcompensating. Because I didn't know what aromantic was so for years i thought I was... broken. And I forced myself into relationships to fix me. But they never lasted longer than 3 months and every single relationship was ended by me because they made me hate my life. No joke. Being aromantic and forcing yourself to date is a hell I would never wish upon anyone. When I learned what aromantic was I cried because I finally knew I wasn't alone!!! I haven't dated ever since learning about the identity and I am happier than I have ever been 💖

I feel like I have more about this but rn my brain is working at half the capacity it normally does. So pls send asks about this so I can answer more about aromanitism!!!!

[rae0fsunsh1ne]

The Order S2E05

I’m rewatching The Order for the 4th time and basically just gonna live blog it so if you don’t want to see my blabbering posts about each episode you can block the tag #Rachel obsesses about The Order

2.05

Jack’s hair……… meh.

The topics in their ethics classes are always relevant to the conflicts in the show, I mean Praxagora?? Praxis?? mmmmhm.

Gabrielle is shallow and mean, she picked Jack’s colour out special so they ‘wouldn’t clash’ and she bullied people in middle school

“it’s my original colour!” nooooo you way overcompensated dude, it’s too dark

“I didn’t think you noticed” HAIR FLIP

I love seeing the wolf boys wearing lei’s, sipping silly cocktails and Randall has the biggest fish bowl drink of them all

“Hey, we’re gonna do plenty of stupid things I promise.” “So many stupid things!”

She must really not want to take that test if she’s willing to help the Knights

maybe she’s’ failing the class lmao

“With all due respect……… she’s right about those pants.”

“Hey remember when she murdered Kyle?”

Randall trying to grab the straw with his tongue and missing is sooo cute and dumb

The leaders of two major magic organizations are having a (strained) introduction and a (forcedly polite) parlay, now is not the time for you two idiots to be bickering

“It has to be hand washed or the logo will chip off.”

Alyssa ogling Orbin right away, but like I’ll admit, Orbin is a cutie so I get it

Another mirror incantation, these are very popular

“It’s just more festive with the ribbon”

Alyssa is too excited about being a hostage “where’s your sense of adventure?”

The actress who plays Gabrielle playing Randall as Gabrielle, she’s so good like she manages to totally capture Randalls vibe

Hamish!Jack checking out Randall!Gabrielle

The Promeatheans have a dope gate for their compound

NEVER CONSUME SOMETHING WHEN YOU ARE A HOSTAGE

I mean maybe don’t spit it out and be disrespectful either but like, just politely say no

Wolfsbane in most lore is used as a weapon/repellent against werewolves, just sayin’

I love Alyssa’s cheeky grin when Jack keeps asking her about why she punched Gabrielle

“Ham-bone. Ham-alot. Jack-off.”

Randall be looking good in Gabrielle’s clothes tho

“I am just experimenting because…….. it’s college….. so…”

The boys walking arm in arm, huddled together under a single umbrella.. cuties

The Order is famous for sex orgies? hhhmmmmm yikes but also intriguing lmao

‘Welcome Hostages!’

if you pause and read the chalkboard it has a whole schedule for the hostages

At what point when they were ‘dating’ did they ever have time to go for sushi together

All they ever did was Order vs Knights stuff

Coke and red wine sounds honestly disgusting, but I’m not gonna lie I’m pretty tempted to try it

Randall -middle name- Carpio, you’re grounded!

“Don’t slaughter any innocent bystanders” “He’s always saying stuff like that, he doesn’t mean it.”

Jack runs so awkwardly

He’s also really bad at being inconspicuous

and a bad liar

I love the idea of magic connected to nature, but the cult-like vibes and the hive mind thing is a big No from me

I would not want everyone to know my every thought and feeling at all times always

Maybe I’m a prude but I wouldn’t be kissing some guy I’ve only known for a few hours, who is also keeping me hostage

“Look, I want you to know I respect your agency as a woman but also FUCK THIS BULLSHIT” easily my favourite line of the entire show

Randall getting 60% on a test about a subject that he only had an hour to study for is pretty impressive honestly, he’s a smart boi. pre-med.

Jack is a quick thinker with that SOS tbh

[flatsuke]

The Tragedy of Eisuke, or another Eisuke Meta

So I’m back on my bullshit, and I’m going to go on yet another tangent on Eisuke, so please bear with me if I ramble on at times lmao. For the purposes of this meta, I’m going to use screenshots from both main stories, POVs, and substories. Even if the substories happened in AUs, his characterization and personality are still canon. 

Disclaimer: This is all my opinion and in no way am I claiming this is the absolute truth lmao. This is just how I interpret Eisuke and the events in the game. Also, this is going to be a very long post peppered with memes (ty Screenshots of Despair) and game screencaps, so good luck reading through this really long post.

I’ve replayed some of Eisuke’s stories again, and wow, sometimes I feel like I discover facets of him that weren’t obvious to me before. I think I’ve said this many times before, but man....Eisuke’s such a complex character that it’s so fun to dissect him. 

The first thing I want to bring up are the recurring themes present in his characterization: power and utilitarianism. In almost all of his stories, power is explored in different ways — from the most superficial point of view, we see Eisuke exhibit his economic ad social power as a internationally renowned hotel mogul. There’s the power he has as the boss of his company and the leader of the bidders. 

That aside, Eisuke values utilitarianism to a nigh obsessive extent. Every decision he makes is based on how it’d benefit himself and his interests, and his standard for measuring a person is based on how useful they are. Basically, he quantifies everything and everyone.

The interesting thing I wanted to point out was the he didn’t start off that way, rather, he grew into that. There was once a time when he was idealistic and still had faith in people. But that time is long gone. 

(RIP that smile)

I think it’s tragic to see what Eisuke could have been. We see how he was as a kid in the Examination of the Heart Story. In this AU, he never experienced his mother’s death and family’s downfall. He was a kind, caring, and thoughtful child. He went out of his way to visit MC almost every day to take care of her. He even goes to medical school all for the sake of curing MC’s heart disease! I’m inclined to think that if the Kuga family was never separated, he would have grown up to become softer and kinder.

Sadly, the canon timeline has a much more unfortunate turn. Eisuke ended up adopted into the Ichinomiya household at seven years old after his family separated. The seed of self-doubt and insecurity was planted, and it only grew downhill from there. 

He grew up in an environment where all his actions were judged because he wasn’t a real Ichinomiya. He was constantly scrutinized and judged, so he couldn’t afford to trust anyone. The fact that he was never an Ichinomiya became a lifelong insecurity for him. According to Akira, Eisuke was a lonely child.

That lonely child grew up into a cynical and apathetic teenager. Teenage!Eisuke believed that since his path was set for him, he didn’t have to try hard to do anything. So he slacked off in school, only bothering to do the bare minimum of everything. He never thought about the consequences of his actions, either; he picked fights with pretty much everyone who pissed him off and he spoke his mind, not caring about what would happen to him or to anyone around him. He was never held accountable for anything, so why did he have to bother? Let everyone shit on him like they always did since nothing could bad could happen to him. 

This all changed when Frank, the headmaster’s son, framed Eisuke for starting a fire in one of the buildings at their boarding school. Here, Eisuke starts to realize that his complacency towards everything is biting him in the ass. The seed of insecurity in him morphed into a seed that hated himself for being weak and powerless This is where Eisuke’s fixation on power comes from. 

It only becomes worse when Luke takes the fall in Eisuke’s place. Here, Eisuke truly understands that his lack of power doesn’t only affect himself, but also the others around him. What’s sad is that Luke willingly took the heat for Eisuke out of  affection; he expected nothing in return from Eisuke because Luke viewed it as an act of friendship. However, Eisuke doesn’t think like that — he sees it as transactional. Eisuke becomes downright obsessed with paying Luke back for everything. In fact, it becomes a core facet of his personality.

He views debt as a sign of weakness. He even sees his relationship with Akira as transactional; Akira took him in raised him, so he felt like he had to pay Akira back. Eisuke felt like everything he owned had to be earned. He studied business and economics because that would benefit the company the most. Hell, his entire motivation for making the Ichinomiya Group the huge conglomerate it is today was because he wanted to prove to everyone that he deserved his place because he worked for it. 

On that subject, Eisuke always feels like he has to prove himself. He does everything he can to make himself useful so people can’t tear him down for being a liability. This is why he views everything with a utilitarian lens; if he isn’t useful, then he’s worthless. I was reading his Bidding on Eisuke Story and these lines really got the point across:

In this AU, MC is the owner of the Tres Spades and Eisuke a nameless nobody. She rescues Eisuke from the black market auctions by bidding on him. MC tells him he’s free to go. But the first thing he does after that? He offers himself as payment. The story doesn’t go into detail about his past, but it’s implied he was used mainly for sex. He didn’t have anything to offer her aside from his body, and he didn’t want to be seen as useless. So the most logical course of action in his head was to offer sex to her. In the process, he effectively dehumanized himself just to pay back what he perceived as a debt.

It’s easy to see him as arrogant, and ostensibly, he is. But I really think he has a crippling sense of self-worth because he bases it on how powerful and useful he thinks he should be. In essence, he has an inferiority superiority complex; he acts haughty and prideful, but that’s only because he’s afraid of being replaced, rejected, and abandoned. 

(Nothing screams Eisuke more than Oh No! by Marina and the Diamonds lmao.)

I’m not sure if he actually even loves himself, to be honest. Sure, he’s confident on the outside, and he believes his merit and abilities got him to where he is today ...but that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s happy with himself. His self-esteem is so fragile because he always quantifies everything he does. If he isn’t perfect, then he’s not worth it. This is why he always pushes himself to the extreme (and I daresay this is why he overcompensates with MC when it comes to sex, giving gifts, etc.).

Luke even says so himself:

The sad part is he probably isn’t even aware of it. He’s probably one of the lesser self-aware bidders, if not the least. He knows that his lot in life wasn’t the best, but he doesn’t realize how this affected his emotional state. He is by far, the least emotionally mature among the bidders because he literally cannot process his feelings properly. His Main Story POV gives us a really good example:

On a base level, he’s aware of what jealousy is and what it entails, but he’s so repulsed by the idea that he can feel jealousy that he vehemently denies it. After all, why should he be jealous of the others if MC likes him the best? At least.....that’s what he tries to tell himself anyway. Again, he doesn’t realize how insecure he really is.

If he isn’t repressing or denying his feelings, then he’s turning to sex as a coping mechanism. If I has to list every scene where Eisuke has sex with MC to fend off his anxiety, this post would be too long lmao. In Eisuke’s mind, dealing with feelings scares him so much that he’d rather bury them or distract himself. Still, that doesn’t mean his feelings go away, no matter much he wants them to.

(It’s a cold day in hell if Eisuke isn’t actively repressing his emotions.)

With all this considered, Eisuke definitely knows he isn’t easy to love. Hell, I think he expected to get through life without anyone ever loving him. Meeting MC was a literal miracle because she is the One Person who could love him unconditionally. Loving him takes a lot of understanding and empathy, and he knows he’s really fucking lucky he has MC in his life. I’m honestly not surprised at how possessive and protective he is over her. Deep down, I think he’s insecure that MC might leave him one day, so he tries his best to keep her satisfied (especially physically) so she doesn’t have any reason to go (again, this is a manifestation of his utilitarianism).

Even though he still sometimes feels like he has to prove his power and usefulness to her, he’s slowly (and I say very, very slowly) getting comfortable with the idea that maybe, he can let his guard down around her. Intuitively, he knows she won’t think he’s weak for being open.....but that seed of self-doubt in him hasn’t completely gone away yet. 

I think it’ll be a long time till we can see him completely open up to her, but part of what makes his story so interesting is the slow process he goes through to reach emotional maturity. He’s not quite there yet, but he’s trying, and I think that deserves some credit.

In conclusion,

He needs a goddamn hug 

[tinkdw]

14x01: watching notes / mini meta

This episode is just like one long tick list of previous meta and I love it even if the actual ep itself was slightly bland with a few niggles, the thematics are so exciting for what it means for the show overall and the characters we love. Here’s my watching notes / mini meta short versions of the themes, (previous longer meta’s on each theme are linked with x or underlined sentences). Here we go!

I called the Angel wings, yay!

Opening song: shot down in flames by AC/DC. A song about unrequieted romantic feelings. Lmao. OK, good start...

- Dean screaming at Sam “all I see is everything we’ve lost” - cuts to just Cas dying. OK. Thanks for clarifying that meta from last year up for us Dabb ;)

- That freeze frame tho. Even shortened it’s still terrible. Stawp.

- Cut to Sam in the car, this is like the one with Rowena where it went from the opening song to her in the car and I love it, please do more. Oh, bonus if we can get one where Dean does it and he looks at the camera like he’s on the office and switches it from something rocky to, like, Miley Cyrus :p

- The point of the Jamil scene, whilst in itself it is divisive and has offended some viewers (and I do not condone that but I write meta so here is the meta), was clear re: Michael. Showing that Michael essentially is that asshole who doesn’t care how much you redeemed yourself and now are trying to do good but says you want selfish things and remembers that one time you did something wrong 8 years ago and won’t let you get past it. He also enjoys putting words in others’ mouths and judging them from above because he somehow thinks he is some all knowing, all judging clever clogs (and better than Gabriel, pfft he doesn’t even know our Gabriel but just assumes he’s better, ok then...). He’s a self absorbed, self assured, arrogant, genocidal, doesn’t give a shit about humanity wanker with a chip on his shoulder having inherited some power from his daddy he doesn’t know what to do with and has only shown so far that he can balls it up royally but somehow thinks this time, this time it'll work cos he’s oh so intelligent and right. Oh look, Michael is Trump.

- “A better world”. Well I’ve talked about that a lot previously, how this links to the other extreme end of the MoL, essentially we have the MoL at one end telling us the world can only be better if you remove anything supernatural and Michael at the other saying it can only be better if you remove anything natural. Longer meta on these and how they also link to John and the season 1 onwards black/white to grey area progression here: x and x  Dabb is really hammering home the grey area / balance themes in the middle for endgame and I love him for it.

- DEAD MANS BLOOD BULLETS what a great idea! I’ve not seen anyone comment on this yet but honestly, this is up there with salt hoolahoops and exorcisms saved on your phone ;)

- Sam “chief” Winchester. I’m living. I mean let the dude take a nap but the concept and symbolism of him as the leader, taking charge of the hunters and the bunker, Mary as his lieutenant, everyone looking up to him with respect because of what he has done and who he is rather than out of fear or duty... I can’t express just how much I love this and am grateful it’s as blatant as it is.

- Castiel gets kidnapped and used as “bait” (yes there’s like 5 layers of symbolism here and I hate/love it) and the whole thing with Sam telling them there’ll be no king of Hell goes down in Detroit. Yeah sure tell me Dabb doesn’t care about mirrors and previous canon references, parallels and subversions ;)

- I just can’t even with Sassy!Cas *rolls eyes* *uses “GOD” as a blatant blasphemy* is just so human, being so done when Kip makes his stupid OTT grand entrance whilst Cas is calmly sat in front of the fire pit and then tells him he’ll burn him to ash. YES MY SON.

- “Joined at the... (Dick)”. Yes Kip I get you, everyone does, literally everyone thinks they’re boning, cos duh, but you see they could actually have an ounce of happiness within the chaos if they weren’t so bloody miscommunicative and self hating that they haven’t even admitted their feelings let alone touched each other yet below the shoulder. But yes, please, do join the hoards of characters on the show who assume they are a couple. 

*Tink stares into the camera*

- The less said about Michael’s puny ass winged ‘twuform’ the better. Yes it looks like a pigeon with disproportionally tiny wings, yes it looks like Dean bent his halo (lolz) but aside from the humour there’s nothing good about this.

- Michael: Dean said yes for love. Ah yes. The power of love. I love to be reminded that this whole show’s premise since the pilot is love. Thanks Satan.

- Michael thinks Anael is everything Cas is. “The rebel, the Angel who doesn’t like playing by Heaven’s rules” I mean jeez, like a hammer to the face much! Well, Danneel said she did want to play Castiel so ;) x and x 

- Tbh I also got massive self reflection vibes here off the next part on performing!Dean and I just love how all this comes out of Dean’s own mouth, it’s just so symbolic. Every time Michael says something it seems to be a reflection on John or Dean or daddy issues of some sort.

Re: Performing!Dean: “You pretend to care about these things... pretty things, but that’s all it is, pretending. These trinkets, they don’t make you happy they just pass the time, they’re not what you really want”. *Tink stares at all of the meta on Performing!Dean repression by overcompensating, especially with sex to pass the time and try to alleviate his mood with women, especially since season 7, every time Cas is gone and he’s pining*.

- What do you really want? This basically works for both Dean and Cas (and Sam too to be fair but he’s not been mirrored previously so I’m going with the symbolism here being most relevant to Cas mirror Anael and Dean whose literally saying it through a veil): “love, to belong, to have a place a home a family... it’s very very human”.

- *Cough* blatant easy link and exposition of endgame Human!Cas and Nonperforming!Dean. *sends Dabb a giant fruit and donut basket*

- Cleary the theme of season 14 is “what do you want” just as season 13′s was “who are you”. Excellently linked themes.

- Sam is just going around all episode fixing other peoples issues and taking no time for himself, he needs a friend and a nap.

- Jack is actually not doing badly considering and I’m so happy they made him sad and angsty without being an annoying whiney teenager (I do have an issue with how Claire was made into this and am annoyed with the m/f difference but sigh, clearly they were trying to do something better with WS. Sigh again).

- I actually kinda loved the Sam / Nick scene. Since it was clear Mark P was coming back (literally why Satan) I made peace with it and expected Nick and I hope they continue with it as well as I think it started. Mark’s little gestures of itching and wincing really helped with the overall feel here so through gritted teeth I say kudos. Jared steals the show though at his own minute facial expressions and the deep meaning of this scene for him, I’m sure he enjoyed acting this immensely as he’s always cared a lot for the Sam/Lucifer storyline and it’s closure. Obviously it’s got implications for Michael!Dean so let’s see what happens. Sam was amazing obviously, man, I just... really hope Bucklemming don’t fuck this up as Nick’s likely their play thing. Fingers crossed, it’s off to a good start.

- If they really do follow through on this really cack-handed obvious “we can kill Michael by stabbing Dean and save Dean” story then I’ll be really fucking disappointed. This is lazy and too obvious, it also negates all the possibility for the Dean/John mirror from 2x01 with John angry at them for not killing him to kill Azazel and thus leading into Dean’s blatantly exposed self worth arc throughout the season while he struggles to feel worthy of being alive at the potential expense of the world, with his family telling him he does deserve to be saved (>...>). I mean... I just can’t really get my head around this not happening? Or it being so frankly badly written if it is? It feels more like a red herring to me, like, a giant red herring. If it doesn’t happen like this and they just stab Michael with the shittyretconblade then I’ll be shocked. Though I’ll be less shocked if it’s in the Bucklemming episode and I’ll attribute this to their shitty writing and Dabb really having zero fucking says in his own show anymore and the whole thing going downhill moving forwards. So either way it’s bad. So fingers, toes and everything crossed this isn’t what happens.

- The fact that Cas knew Sam would come save him gives me so many happy feels whereas I feel only a few seasons ago he would have said he’s not worth saving / why would Sam bother. He trusts Sam and he believes Sam loves him. Happy Tink.

- “He just told you he’s a demon?” “Yep”. I love Sassy! Sam.

- Bait. It’s kind of what you’re for isn’t it? I just... That was so hilariously triple, quadruple, whatever, entendre... bait for the audience, bait for the Winchesters, bait associated with fish as Castiel usually is, just, it made me laugh out loud and @bluestar86 looked at me like I’d gone nuts but I loved the cleverness of it. Though also fuck you Cas is more than bait ;) I mean Dabb knows that he loves Cas he’s being tongue in cheek but yeah, this made me chuckle big time.

- Michael has been to see Kip and it again hopefully will be a continuation of the theme of Michael being so black and white he turns grey people black or white. I’d love to see an opposite where his asking this question of what do you want actually makes someone choose to do the right thing.

- Mary “I have to think about the good Sam, because if I don’t I’ll just drown in the bad, for Dean’s sake I can’t do that, we can’t do that”. Wow. Mary ploughing on, seemingly cold to others until she’s probed, revealing her internal emotional struggle, forever threatening to overflow and the actual drive for her actions that in full circle are what makes her come across as uncaring. If this isn’t Mary’s whole arc since her resurrection in one sentence. If it ain’t also a massive TFW mirror. IN ONE SENTENCE. GOD I LOVE ANDREW DABB OK?!

- Bobby re-emphasising the family theme to Jack in the impala, reminiscent of Jack telling the Winchester’s they are his family in the impala last season.

- Equating Sam to Beyoncé for his glorious physique, hair and overall legend / icon status is just A. Brilliantly hilarious and reminding us how great Sam is but also B. So cool to give zero shits that Beyoncé is a woman and is just as capable of being a role model for a guy. Kudos Dabb. C. I just imagine Cas looking on like but I’m Beyoncé! ;)

- The fight scene is just too embarrassing, that knife flip between Mary and Sam is so 80’s bionic man and more wires like, my dudes, my guys, stawwwwwwp. I’m also annoyed tbh that Maggie is for some reason a young, relatively helpless and hapless girl rather than being an AU survivor and hunter. Like, why even bring her from the off no questions asked while questioning Jack, if she’s so helpless she’s hiding and gormless to the point Mary had to actually ask her if she knows how to stab someone. This is weird and I hope they’re going to show her developing cos urgh. wtf.

- Cas is “still breathing” after fighting like a human and being all bloodied up like a human without healing himself. straight into the #human!cas tag. 

- Callbacks to Crowley and as @bluestar86 said Kip just reminds us of another demon dude from 14x08 and this is totally true, “Barthamus call me Bart" and “Kipling call me Kip”. What’s next, “Judas call me J”?. 

- Sam’s “enough!” 

is the best moment of this episode hands down and I am excite for this symbolism for his character growth. I don’t personally think this is at all him declaring he’s King or Regent, he’s just asserting his very puny human authority, albeit as the one time could have been ruler but he isn’t and doesn’t want to be, and regardless the demons fear him for who he is as Sam Winchester not as a potential king. 

BOOM> Sam Fucking Winchester amiright?!

He’s feared by demons because of who he chooses to be as a person and he’s respected by humans for who he chooses to be.

It’s a total mirror opposite.

It’s a bookend. 

I LOVE it.

DAMN DABB.

- Cas supporting Sam, the only one who really asks how he is, is such brother / best friend goals. Sam being honest about his feelings and the opposite mirror of Cas deflecting from his own when Sam asks how he is in return is painful. Please Cas, tell us what you want.

- “Sunshine”. OK but literally the whole point of that scene was Bobby calling Mary sunshine while flirting with beer bottles. Nothing else happened. It’s like Dabb is literally wielding a Destiel subtext hammer and bashing it into canon in new and interesting ways every moment he can at this point when they’re not even in the episode or scene. I’m reminded of David/Violet. I wanted Mary/Bobby Destiel parallels and we got it in episode 1. Excellent.

- Cas and Jack have their deeply meaningful mirroring scene about feeling human whilst both sporting mirroring injuries from mirrored wounds and both being punched in the face. (Dabb loves mirrors so much I may send him a fruit and donut basket with a great big mirror inside too for shits and giggles). 

Cas and Jack’s scene is yet more exposition that neither are valid due to their powers but valid and loved for who they are. 

Just as Sam is feared by demons and respected by humans for who he is not due to any demon blood or destiny. 

Just as Dean is loved and will be saved by his family because of who he is not how useful he is as a tool.

I’m reminded of my tag #season who we are 13 because that was so set up in that season from Dabb’s own premiere, showing just how much he does hark back and have a clear and consistent thematic overview of his story. 

You may by this point see why I’m quite so done with the Dabb bashing on SM this week? How it’s totally inconsistent with the actual canon of the show? That he clearly knows exactly what he’s doing thematically even if he’s not so hot on small details and Bucklemming/Singer take turns dumping a turd into his and the others writers’ pot of gold every now and again? Yeah, thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.

- LET SAM SLEEP 2k19!!!

[refroged]

several problems lmao

[bigskydreaming]

Btw, for those who’ve been asking, just a quick update on the jaw sitch:

I had that last appointment on Thursday and it went really, even surprisingly well? Like, better news than even she’d hoped for. We were crossing our fingers that the last CT scan (the one to map exact dimensions we’d need the prosthetic to be) would match up with a premade prosthetic so we wouldn’t have to wait to order a custom made and could jump straight to trying to expedite the surgery. 

Turns out I don’t actually need a prosthetic at all. The top of my jawbone, the condyle, which everyone thought was completely destroyed from all the previous scans and was part of what had to be replaced, its actually still there and largely intact. It wasn’t snapped off or eroded away like they’d been thinking, it actually just got bent enough at the top of it that somehow it slipped and got shoved up....underneath my skull, or behind my skull, I’m honestly not sure what the right word is to describe it, because of the angles/dimensions involved. The reason they could only see it with this last scan and not any of the others is this last scan like....looked through the back of my skull essentially, and showed the inside curvature of the side of the skull that’s where all the Drama is. And that’s where they saw, oh hey, he’s still got an intact condyle, its just been stuck inside/under/behind his skull this whole time instead of resting in the joint where its supposed to be and allowing for proper opening and closing. And as it got worse and worse this past year and a half, it wasn’t because I was constantly grinding down on what was left of the bone and wearing it more and more away....it was that it was actually constantly shoving up more inside my skull, day by day. So, still not fun, just a different kind of suck than they thought, lol.

I’m actually a little bit miffed by the reveal, not gonna lie, because like....it literally is EXACTLY what I’d been saying it felt like the problem was to me. For a year and a half. From the very start. From the very first time I went to the ER after it first snapped or slipped out of place or whateverthefuck, the very first doctor I met with, I literally described it as feeling like my jawbone got stuck up under or behind my skull and couldnt get loose or descend properly. And they were like nah, that’s not a thing, must be TMJ. And literally every other doctor I went to since then (including this one), I told each and every one of them the same exact thing but noooooooooo, why listen to the dude whose body it literally is lol why would he know what it feels like is the problem. Lmao. Ah well. Doesn’t change anything at this point and not worth souring my relationship with this doctor since at least she’s getting results for me and is easy enough to work with and way better than that other one I was going to before. But still. Annoying. It gives me no pleasure to be like ‘ugh I was right, I told you all’ because like, lol I don’t need the fucking ego boost, I would have much rather taken the ‘get started fixing all this a year earlier than it took to find the solution and thus spare myself a lot of time, money, aggravation and oh yeah pain’ option. BUT OH WELL.

Anyway. So this changes things a little but not a done. The general course of treatment is still the same. They still have to do the exact same surgery, only now instead of opening me up and putting in a new prosthetic joint, they’ll open me up, cut off the bottom part of my jaw so that they can then basically dig out the upper part from where its stuck behind/under/inside my skull, do something *mutters vague medical-ese in place of the details I glazed over here and didn’t totally catch look I am still very sleep deprived all the time*, then manually reset the condyle/top of the jawbone in the joint they restore via the vague medical-ese mumble mumble stuff, manually realign the whole rest of my lower jaw and then screw the bottom and top pieces of jawbone back together with like a plate or something. 

But now at least we don’t have to wait for a prosthetic, or pay for one, so that’s at least a couple thousand dollars cheaper though the rest of the surgery is still the same as before,like 20K out of pocket or thereabouts. And its always better when they can use/salvage your natural body instead of having to use prosthetics or insert foreign material - theoretically, this means I should heal faster, regain more or fuller function of my whole jaw, and there’s less risk of nerve damage since all the muscles and everything are still attached to the jaw and just unable to do their job because its literally just stuck, but again its always better if like, they don’t have to try and reattach or reintegrate muscles and all that around a brand new piece of bone or prosthetic that they place in there for the first time.

So its literally just a waiting game now? She sent off her updated notes and case file to my insurance company now to try and expedite getting a greenlight on the surgery. It only takes two weeks to book the surgery and get into an OR somewhere, and the only thing we’re waiting for now is payment, basically. As soon as I can afford the surgery, we can schedule it, and two weeks later, bam. So fingers crossed that my insurance company will approve it - she feels pretty confident they will, because she thinks she’s made more than enough argument and provided plenty of documentation to prove its an absolute medical necessity (hahahahaha just let them try and argue w/me about that, I WILL DEVOUR THEIR ENTIRE SOULS, MY JAW IS 90% UNHINGED ALREADY, IT’LL BE EASY).

So mostly its just a matter of how long it takes to get an answer from them, and if they’ll approve the whole thing or only part of it, and if the latter, how long it’ll take me to raise the rest. She said give it a week before I start calling the insurance company directly myself, to nag them, lol. But that her best guess is it’ll probably be around three weeks or so to hear back, for something like this.

So, fingers crossed that I get a quick answer and a good one in terms of paying at least most of the surgery. And then....blessed scalpel and morphine drip. *weeps in I Have Never Been So Excited To Be Cut Open On A Table Like A Fish, Seriously, What A Weird Thing To Have Be Like Christmas and My Birthday and Some Other Random Assortments of Holidays Used As An Excuse for Gift-Giving*

She’s planning on doing the surgery on a Saturday as its usually easier to book an OR on the weekend, and the surgery itself should only take a day and I shouldn’t need to stay overnight after all. BUT I still need to figure out finding some way to stay with someone for the ten days after the surgery though, which - no idea how to go about that just yet lol, working on it. But my jaw’ll have to be wired shut for the ten days post surgery, liquid diet only, so she was like “LOL yeah no, you should definitely not count on being able to talk for the first couple weeks of recovery. Or stand up really. Or like, get out of bed at all pretty much. As much as it sucks right now, its gonna suck even more then, you will definitely hate everything and it’ll hurt even more before it gets better, BUT then it’ll actually get better. Finally.” Like, I’m paraphrasing, but that was my takeaway, lol. Yay. Things to look forward, much excitement, can’t wait.

Nah but like, I will literally put up with anything at this point in order for it to be over, and after that, I shouldn’t need more than a month or two of physical therapy before I have full function of my jaw back. But she thinks it’ll be if not quite as good as new, at least close enough for there not to be much difference. She said she sees no reason for there to be any lingering or residual pain or nerve issues or vertigo once my recovery period is over, and my face should look pretty much the same as it did before all this started then. Said there’s a slight possibility, depending on certain things with how the surgery goes, that my chin might end up a little more recessed than it had been originally, but not enough that it’d be especially noticeable - if anything, it probably would only show as different from before when looked at in profile, from a side view. 

LOL, she was like, there is an additional procedure I can do right then and there while we already have you under, that’ll bring your chin forward and compensate for any differences there and its easiest to do it right at the same time as everything else. But that’s essentially just a cosmetic procedure, so your insurance likely wouldn’t pay for that. And I was like okay, well just so I know, how much is that procedure? And she’s like, oh, 8K. And I was all HAHAHAHAHAHA, doc, you funny. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m vain and shallow, but I’m cheaper and broker than I am vain and shallow, so that’s gonna be a hard pass from me. I’ll stick to just overcompensating with my wit and dazzling personality, mmkay.

LOL. Anyway, so that’s where things stand right now, just....waiting. And hoping. And crossing fingers. And trying not to fall into my usual trap of assuming this slight uptick of good or positive news means IMPENDING DOOM elsewhere. Like, there is still a slight risk of nerve damage with the surgery itself, not the potential for full face paralysis that the other doc was saying might happen, she’s not worried about that at all, but she did warn that in like 10-20% of cases with this surgery, there’s a chance of nicking a sensory nerve that means like, ending up with your face numb around the chin and above and around your mouth, where you basically can’t feel much in those areas. Sometimes that lasts for a month or two, and occasionally there are some people who never regain sensation there, but she stressed that its not a huge risk, again only 10-20% of the time, but she did want to make sure I was aware. Course, my cynical ass is like OKAY BUT YOU UNDERESTIMATE HOW MUCH THE UNIVERSE LIKES TO MAKE EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE LINE UP WITH EXTREMELY LONG ODDS AND UNLIKELY POSSIBILITIES, WHY WOULD YOU TEMPT FATE WITH A DIRECT CHALLENGE LIKE THAT, DO YOU HATE ME, DO YOU WANT ME TO DIE????

LOL. Look I’m a Melodramatic Melvin, this is canon. And in the immortal words of Ugh Stiles, I’m almost to the point of no longer being able to ‘milk this anymore’ so I gotta cram my last good angsts in while I still can, y’know? Nah, but srsly, I’m gonna try and not stress about that too much because she said there’s literally nothing I or she can do to minimize that risk, it just is what it is, and the one thing I do know is that my body/brain tends to be highly suggestible and psychosomatism tends to play a huge role in my health and how well or quickly or thoroughly I bounce back from stuff. So. Trying to do the whole positive thoughts, eyes on the prize, Speak Only Good Stuff Into Existence until I’m out the other side. Like, take it for granted that the odds aren’t gonna fuck me this time so I don’t end up accidentally stressing myself into the perfect position for my body to be like Screw You Baby, One More Time.

I mean, we’ll see how well that goes, lol, but you know. Goals.