#i would also dress up as a boy character and get gender euphoria from it. normal childhood experiences HDJWHDJ

[lycankeyy]

When I was a little kid and I finally got a membership on club penguin I would dress up as a stereotypical girl and go to the pizza parlor to "flirt" with random people and I had a few roleplay plots I would do but my favorite was dramatically revealing I was actually a man!!1!!!11 secretly hoping the other person would go along w it and anyway I'm a gay trans man now

[benjamintycandy]

Nonbinary asks...

1, 9, 10, 13 💛🤍💜🖤

Thank you @iamanimaginarybeing these are some of the fun asks! (I mean, they all are :3) Prepare for some long rambles lol

1. What does being nonbinary mean to you?

I'm on the agender spectrum, meaning my gender is more of a lack thereof. I remember growing up and resenting needing to group myself with the boys whenever the teacher separated the class by gender, but I also felt off being grouped in with the girls. I remember thinking it was so arbitrary to separate the class that way and felt that grouping myself with my friends (the oddball non-popular kids, a mix of sexes) made more sense because I had more in common with them than with the boys. I still feel this as an adult -- why does my body have any bearing on how I'm perceived and talked about in day-to-day settings? And why is there an assumption that I should act in certain ways because of my body? I don't understand what a gender is supposed to /feel/ like or how it would even correspond and/or conflict with my body if the feeling existed, despite knowing what gender is from an academic view. Nonbinary is felt to me not as a gender somewhere between or askew to the binary, but as a nonexistant feeling (and therefore not a part of the binary system). Like being born without a tail, I can see animals with tails and I understand how they exist in theory, but I can never know what it's actually like to experience having a tail.

9. What gives me gender euphoria?

This is a difficult answer because I'm not sure I actually feel gender euphoria (or dysphoria for that matter). However, I do have fun playing with butch/femme gender presentation from time to time! Using my tail analogy, I think this can be explained as putting on a fake tail -- I could, for example, put on a cat tail and imagine what that is like via role-play, or a lemur tail, or a dinosaur tail, etc. At the end of the day I will get tired and take the tail off. Similarly, I will present myself in ways that remind me of butch and/or femme styles and attitudes when I feel like it, but this is tiring and will be "taken off" at the end of the day. It's kinda like playing dress-up where I'm trying on a different characters (perhaps to try and understand gender?) Idk about that part though. I feel most euphoric in my body when I feel sexy, and to me that doesn't really have anything to do with gender and more to do with what I find sexy in other people based on their bodies and/or styles.

10. What misconception about being nonbinary bothers you the most?

I guess the assumption of gender within the nonbinary label, which is why I've started labeling myself as agender (which to me fits under the nonbinary umbrella). I like that nonbinary is open enough to be super inclusive, like queer, but I'd love for there to be more awareness of agender discourse and also the general discourse that gender is socially constructed and varies between different languages and cultures.

13. How often do you think about gender?

When left to my own devices, I think about gender never. 0% of the time. Unfortunately I'm often made aware that I'm being perceived by people's assumption of my gender very often when I'm out in public. I've learned to shrug it off because I know it is in human nature to categorize things and that it is baked into our language and culture to categorize by gender-based-on-perceived-sex. My ideal world is in Animal Crossing New Horizons -- nobody's interactions are based on how they perceive me and none of them remind me that gender as a social concept exists 🤣

[80yearoldmanmoodboard]

Boy do I ever have thoughts about transfem Mike!

I believe in my heart of hearts that Mikes gender expression is through her perfectly pampered sideburns. I think she’s not super confident about anything except her sideburns and whenever she feels imposter syndrome about not wanting a clean “girly” face Davy will like go off like Mike to Gwen about how he’s never seen a GIRL with such BEAUTIFUL sideburns and like making a point to use as many feminine assuming words as possible and then Mike gets all blushy about it cause she does really like her sideburns and she likes getting compliments from Davy. (This headcannon def isn’t because I think mikes sideburns are hot! It is UNrelated!)

She’s also definitely one of those trans people that have a horrible hunch (all of us at some point tbh) and I can almost guarantee that Davy tries to get her to better her posture. Davy also probably tries to lure her out of her comfort zone by saying he wants to do something traditionally girly. Like imagine Davy taking her to get her nails done under the guise that he likes pampering himself (he does but not the point) and then he convinces Mike to do something fancy with her nails and she’s like really happy she actually did it and is getting hella gender euphoria from it.

Also I think Mike would have a collection of wigs. She tried to hide them at first and especially when she was still in the closet but eventually she was like “fuck it, I shouldn’t be afraid in my own home” so she’d Star dressing up in wigs and makeup and stuff at home and Davy would always hype her up and I think Micky and Peter would be very excited to see Mike being comfortable with herself.

I think Mike would probably be in one of those like trans birdwatching clubs. One of those hobby clubs where everyone is trans and I think Mike would only be there because Davy watched how excited she got about doing certain hobbies and he was like “you know there are groups where everyone’s into that” and Mike would get all nervous cause she doesn’t like strangers all that much so when Davy found some like Trans Birding Group he was like “I know who would love this” and he joined the group to try and convince Mike to go and when she was finally integrated I to the group Davy was like “finally I can stop fucking learning about birds ” but he still comes sometimes to see his beloved girlfriend do a hobby she enjoys AND get called she/her pronouns by people who aren’t the band even if she’s not dressed all girly.

(Also I assumed Transmasc Davy and Transfemme Mike because I relate to Davy and just project my own transness onto him. Look at us, just two dudes projecting onto characters from the 60s like god intended.)

Okay now that I’ve hooked you with Davy Jones I want you to listen once again; transmasc Davy, super confident, on the arm of significantly taller not at all confident Transfem Mike.

Davy talks up his gf and himself and Mike is like “well you might be the sexiest man alive but I don’t think im even in the running for sexiest girl alive” and Davy is like “how DARE you talk about my girl like that, SHE is GORGEOUS!!” And Mike is just like 🥺👉👈 “if you say so sugar” 😳

wahhhh this is so cute 🥹 t4t jonesmith it sooooo fun Davy would do such a good job of boosting Mike's confidence and hyping her up!!! Mike would be so insecure when it comes to trying to do more feminine things (i dont really see Mike as the type to change too much of her outward appearance) but if she tried out a more traditionally feminine outfit Davy would throw so many compliments at her telling her how beautiful and breathtaking she is and hes so lucky to have such an amazing girlfriend.

normally i think about t4t jonesmith reverse with transfem davy and transmasc mike (bc he gives me insane gender envy and im projecting onto him) but now im thinking about it opposite and its so cute.

any thoughts/headcanons about transfem mike? 👀

[klugpuuo]

Amitie is trans(masc): an essay

sort of

i like amitie puyo puyo and i headcanon them as a trans guy. This is not at all a popular headcanon, so I feel like I have to justify it. Wahoo

I will refer to amitie by no pronouns or they/them exclusively as I do not wish to upset anyone who headcanons them as transfem or cis.

also please note although i do seriously headcanon ami as a dude 99% of this is a joke i don't actually think the moon and sun and clothes and shit should be gendered . thanks

The dumb

1.Something Puyo Puyo has built itself on since the Compile era is stereotypes. Gay. Lasses wore skirts (or pants and skirts) and lads usually just wore pants. Everyone wore armor because if you didn't you would be a total idiot. i mean seriously you would be so fucking stupid

This continued on until the late Sega era, because of course it did. In fact, aside from noncanon art and stuff like Puyo DA!, there's only been one character before Puyo Puyo Quest who was a lass and wore pants.

[ID: A png image of Amitie's shocked sprite from Puypop Fever]

THIS GUY

Out of ALL their classmates, out of EVERYONE until like quest (and INCLUDING puyoteto), AMITIE is the ONLY girl character to EVER canonically wear pants without ALSO wearing a skirt/a dress/another piece of clothing generally considered "feminine" for some reason that is beyond me.

if clothes have to be gendered then amitie has to be a boy. checkmate transphobes

2.You know how transphobes say all transmascs have terrible fashion as a way to belittle and discredit their ultimate swag?

yeah

The personal

3.The first time I ever heard abt Amitie I thought they were a guy because before I watched Little Witch Academia and became enlightened I associated the word "magician" with a guy with either a stupid little mustauche or a long ass beard

4.Amitie looks sick as hell w top surgery scars

1.When I was younger and still thought I was a girl I once called myself "a tomboy but like not super athletic so just a boy" and I can hear Amitie saying that so

2.Another thing I did was I would make my voice deeper and when others said they couldn't hear the difference I'd get so so sooo upset and Amitie having almost half of their alt. voices be a lot deeper than their normal voice reminded me of that

3.All in all I just really relate to Amitie. From everything from their anxieties over their friends to their tendency to get in way WAY over their head to trying desperately to go above and beyond for their friends. It's all stuff I can relate to, and as I am the type of mentally ill person who finds a character I relate to, latches onto them and gives them all my mental illnesses and genders along with the ones they already have. yea

4.also seeing them present themself as a guy gives me massive Euphoria

The desperately grasping at symbolic straws

1.Okay so you know how the moon is generally regarded as feminine and the sun is generally regarded as masculine in some cultures (which is fucking stupid they're a rock and a ball of gas respectively but)

And how Amitie's "Red Amitie" alternative form from the (arguably) canon Puyo Puyo!! 20th anniversary has tons of sun imagery to the point where everyone thought the deity Amitie was part of was of the sun?

But apparently there's far more proof that it was, at least originally, a deity of the moon?

And how most of Amitie's spells are more fire-related than moon-related?

What I'm trying to say is they are so transgender they just completely changed the type of god they were

(this point can also be used for the opposite in cultures where the sun is feminine and the moon is masculine. solidarity if you want .)

2.I was looking up names for fun and I found "Alden" which is a masculine name that means "old friend" and I keep nearly crying thinking abt them changing their name to that once they transition to a more masculine yes

thanks for reading. if youre transphobic on this post i wont even respond to you i am just ignoring you

if anything i said here was harmful or upsetting tell me and i'll edit it or just delete the post

[loudestcloud]

HEYO! I did this kinda cos I noticed some new One Piece followers coming in from my Baron posts.

Explanations under cut

• Flame Flame fruit - I think that it's fun, looks cool and is used by 2 of some of the most coolest character. However I would never want it as I am 🔥🔥Pyrophobic🔥

• Mt. Colubo - idk, I think living there would be nice. It being just out the way enough of Dawn Island means it's not too crazy but also not too calm and prime for mini adventures.

• Rumbar pirates - Sing me Bink's Sake anyday boys, I'm always up for it! Its actually one of my main vocal stims to hum or whistle it, it's that engrained in my brain. Anyway, these lads only wanted to be free on the seas to be who they are and sing as the waves crashed on the ship. They never lived to see the pirate king race or even the popularity of pirates as a whole, they just vibed until they died and truely? Who could ask for more? This crew was so kind and wonderful right until the grave and even past that.

• Skypiea - This will probably change cos I'm only on Dressrosa ✌🏻

• Skypiea - I like the storyline, I like the actor, most of my favourites jokes are from this arc, I love the world building and the flashbacks while a bit problematic are still very fun and my favourite.

• I know what your thinking " Sans, how can you know these panels if you are anime only and on Dressrosa?" First off, don't call me by my name, it's confuses people. Second, listen, If I hear something big is happening and Sanji is involved, I'm gonna spoiler myself for the sake of Sanji deleopment. I know way too much about Whole cake because I got sucked in and had to pull myself away before I knew everything that happened. But also when it comes to Wano, I know Sanji was smiling a lot at the start and he asked Robin for help in a fight and that's huge, I know about out cute and powerful trans lady and out sexy strong big tiddies trans man. That's all.

• Sanji - He look, who'd have guessed. For real tho, I always looked up to Sanji as a kid, who had only ever seen his into arc, I wanted to be cool like him. I tended to dress like him any chance I could which was easy cos I'm British so it was just my school uniform really. I would fight like him too being the scrappy lil kid disabled with mild anger issues I was. If someone would try and start shit with me or my friends and I'd just kick their legs out from under. I'd usual fall too, again being disabled n all, but I'd flip back up so I still looked pretty cool. I thought his fight style was perfect for me because if I punched, my arm just dislocates but my legs where strong at the time so it was perfect. Now my legs aren't really that strong either and I use a cane for walks outside the house. The only think I didn't do was cook and that always made me sad but cos I really wanted to but poor ment that I felt didn't have enough food for me to be abled to get things wrong with and again, I'm pyrophobic so cooking is still hard for me like I said before when I picked One Piece back up in 2019, I started trying to get over my fear of cooking by useing Sanji as motivation. The only think id change is his simp levels and his transphobia. But, It's safe to say that Sanji has had a consistent impact on my life. Also as a child I tended to pick the role models that where also womenizers, another example being MCU Tony stark.

• Buggy - He's funny sometimes, he's dumb, I actually like clowns, he was hot in Impel down and we don't talk about how he looks past that. Fatherless behaviour at its finest, I know.

• Shanks - He's disabled, he's powerful in multiple ways, he's got dad vibes and I cosplayed him once and it gave me gender euphoria. So like, he's cool.

• Aokiji - Fujitora, Koby and Isuka had been super close choices but Aokiji ultimately landed on top because I remembered how whenever he shows up, my brain stops working and I have to do nothing but listen to him talk and also him in Film Z

• Brook - My love for Brook is only a tiny but less then Sanji and that's probably only because Sanji has been around longer and reasons I mentioned above. Brooks story is beautiful, as I said I love his crew, his loyalty is so unmatched and he's a really nice old man who is surprisingly chill with new consept. The one thing I don't really like is his panties obsession but at least he is polite about it ig.

• Post timeskip Luffy - Listen, if you've see the outfit exams I used to do, you'll know why I love this design so much but for the new comers let's just say that a lot of thought went into this outfit, a lot more than you'd actually guess.

And a quick bonus, my favourite movie is very obviously Baron omatsuri and the secret island, as if it would be anything else.

[rosesisupposes]

sweet tea in the summer

in what is definitely a shock to all, i really love folklore.

read on ao3

characters: Patton, Roman, Virgil, Brief Logan, Brief Remy

pairings: platonic to romantic royality; paternal prinxiety; paternal moxiety

word count: 3,980

tags: trans Patton, parental transphobia (including deadnaming, misgendering), parental homophobia, gender euphoria, childhood friends to lovers, heavily closeted trans boy, coming out, endless fluff

a/n:  inspired by both “seven” off folklore and "It's Nice To Have A Friend" from Lover

⁂

Part 1: seven

They grow up as neighbors, just a street away, enough that Ro passes Pat's house going to and from school, and they walk together sometimes.

Roman may not be the smartest, book-wise, but well. Some things he just gets. And it does not take much for him, even as a seven-year-old, to pick up on the way Pat tenses up going home, to connect that with the distant yelling he hears some nights.

He finds Pat one afternoon, hiding in a little group of trees. The pink frilly dress is a mess- and Pat's hair is dramatically shorter than it was yesterday.

Pat's also crying in a way that Roman can tell has been going on for a while.

"You're Pat, right?" Roman says, plopping down by the same tree.

Pat looks shocked and surprised but nods.

"I'm Roman! We should play!"

"You want to play with me?" Pat asks.

"Yeah! You seem fun! C'mon, we can go over my house, Papa won't mind!"

Pat flinches. "Are you sure?"

"Yup! Let's go!"

And Pat would question it more but Roman is ebullient and it seems easier to just go along with it. It can't be worse than crying alone.

Roman's Papa is not surprised that Roman's acquired a friend somewhat by force. Virgil just smiles wearily and asks if Pat would like some crackers with banana and cinnamon, too?

Pat nods, and Roman's delighted, already talking a mile a minute about ideas he had for playing pretend!

Virgil eventually cuts into the flow and reminds Roman that he hasn't actually introduced his friend yet.

"Oh! Sorry! Papa, this is Pat!"

"What's Pat short for?" Virgil asks, smile gently at the wary look on Pat's face. "Is it cause he's only got little legs?"

Pat's face splits into an enormous grin at the pun. "It's short for- um. Actually, I don't think I like it very much?  It feels icky. I like the Pat part though."

"Can I give you a nickname?!" Roman asks, starry-eyed. "I think, um. Pat pat. Pipat. Patton!"

"Patton?" Pat tries out. "I like that. Patton. Hi, I'm Patton!"

Virgil smiles. "Nice to meet you, Patton. Now, that dress looks very messy, and not easy to play in, would you like to borrow some shorts?"

Patton smiles, eyes tearing up just a bit. "I would love that, are you sure it's okay?"

"Yes! Yes it is!" Roman interjects. "Here, you can come pick out something of mine! They'll probably fit!!"

"Slow down, my dashing little princey," Virgil says, grabbing the back of Roman's tee with the ease of long practice. "You need to finish eating your snack. Patton can come with me and we'll pick something while you finish. Okay?"

"Yes, Papa," Roman says, pouting. He sighs dramatically as he eats his crackers with exaggerated effort.

Patton walks behind Virgil down a hallway covered in dozens of drawings. Many are half-finished, but all clearly show enthusiasm and more than a little glitter.

Virgil grabs a couple of options, taking some of the clothes Roman's just starting to grow out of. Patton is just a bit on the smaller side still. He gives the boy a stack of clothes and shows him the bathroom, where he can change in private.

But, some sixth sense of Dad Instincts tells him he should wait in the hall right by the bathroom door. Just in case. (In case of what, he's not quite sure yet, but-)

Fuck, yup, that is definitely the sound of a little boy trying to cry as quietly as possible.

"Patton? Kiddo, you okay in there?"

Patton sniffles and replies, "I'm fine!"

Virgil frowns. "Can I come in, buddy?"

A pause.

"Oh-okay."

Patton has put on khaki shorts and a blue polo, but his hands are shaking as he looks at his discarded dress.

"Hey, kiddo, what's wrong?" Virgil asks in his softest Papa Voice.

"I'm being bad," Patton whispers. "I ruined my dress and I'm not wearing it and I cut my hair myself and I wasn't s'posed to and-"

Virgil hesitates, then sits on the tiled floor, pulling the sniffling boy into his lap.

"Hey, Pat, it's okay. It's just clothes and hair, okay, kiddo? Do you like how it looks?"

"Yes, but-"

"That's all that matters, buddy. And if you don't like it, hair grows back, clothes can get cleaned. I can clean your dress while you play, so you don't have to bring it home dirty, if you want?"

"I don't want him to be angry," Patton says in a tiny voice. "He scares me when he's angry."

Virgil tries very hard to be level-headed for his son, who really needs a solid presence. Which means he's had seven years of practice to be able to not swear loudly at the fear in Patton's voice, to not go off on a rampage to the Corwan house and give Mr. Corwan a piece of his mind. Instead, he hugs Patton into his chest, shushing quietly, rubbing the little boy's back as he sniffles into Virgil's hoodie.

"You know what we're gonna do, Pat? I'm gonna make sure your dress is all cleaned up, and when we're all done playing, we'll walk you home, okay?" He suppresses the fury from his voice as he adds, "And I'll tell your dad that it was all your idea to make sure you got cleaned up, and that it wasn't your fault it got dirty. How's that sound, kiddo?"

Patton nods, face still buried in the soft material of the black hoodie.

"Let's go, okay? Roman should be done with his snack by now."

Patton holds Virgil's hand on the walk back to the kitchen. Virgil has already half-committed to adopting this boy into their household if Mr. Corwan makes him cry again.

Roman is still in his seat, but barely. One of the crackers is just a pile of crumbs, and there's banana smooshed on his cheek. The minute he sees Patton, he's leaping out of his seat.

"Let's go play! I think we should be pirates! Or knights! Or-"

"Hey, what do we say about playing with guests?"

Roman catches himself. "I should let him have ideas too?"

"That's right, princey. C'mere."

Virgil has to let go of Patton's hand to wipe up Roman's face, because getting him to stand still is a two hand job.

He stands them shoulder-to-shoulder. "Okay, boys, you have a quest today!"

Roman's eyes are shining with excitement already.

Patton looks more concerned. "A quest?"

"Yes," Virgil says solemnly. "Your quest is to make sure your friend is having fun the whole time, and to listen to each other. Okay?"

Roman bounces in place. "Yes! I'm gonna be the best quester ever! Promise, Pat, you're gonna have so much fun!"

Roman grabs Pat's hand and they run out together to the back yard. Virgil sets himself up to clean the dress right by the big window to keep an eye on them, one ear always open for the cries of skinned knees or a-little-too-roughhousing

Patton smiles, face glowing as he listens to Roman's idea of how they can be pirate-witch-knight-ninjas.

It's nice to have a friend.

⁂

Part 2: thirteen

"Psstt!!! Patty!"

Patton turns to see Roman grinning hugely from his locker across the hallway. He waves frantically to get him to come over.

"What's up, buttercup?"

"It's here! Papa texted me, it just arrived!"

Patton freezes, eyes wide. "Already? Really? You mean it?!"

Roman nods, grinning hugely. "So you're coming over today. We'll say it's for that bio project if we have to, kay?"

Patton brushes at his eyes, making sure he's not tearing up visibly. He surprises Roman with a fierce hug. "Thank you, Roro."

Roman hugs back just as tightly, but he responds in a whisper so quiet that only his friend can hear. "You deserve it, Patton."

Patton can't stop smiling, even as his eyes feel like they're getting misty. "Oh gosh, how am I supposed to focus on algebra now? Can we just skip the last two periods?"

"Pat Corwan, 8th Grade Class President, wants to skip classes?" Roman replies with a mock gasp. "I'm shocked and appalled. And no, I have long-block scene study, there's no way I'm skipping."

"I know, I know. I'll see you soon!" Grinning, Patton walks away to his class, practically floating.

His desk-mate takes one look as he sits down and arches a brow. "So, Corwan, did he finally ask you out or what?"

"What?" Patton asks, barely aware he'd spoken.

Logan Williams sighs. "Sanders. Did he ask you out? You're smiling even more than normal. If I sunburned easy, I'd be concerned right now."

"Um, no? Ro and I are just best friends," Patton replies.

Logan rolls his eyes. "Best friends? You go to his house half the time after school, everyone's been waiting for you two to officially start dating."

"I-"

"Actually, if you were waiting for an excuse, you should run for Homecoming King & Queen together, I have a bet on that being the timing."

Patton frowns. "I have no plans to run for homecoming anything. I'm on the selection committee, that would be favoritism."

Logan shrugs. "Suit yourself. My only interest is in getting to finally hear a different topic of speculation during the lunchtime gossip mill. But you should probably know-"

Patton looks apprehensive. "Know what?"

Logan adjusts his glasses. "Half the grade already calls you The Future Mrs. Sanders."

Patton swallows a lump in his throat, fingers fidgeting with the material of his skirt. "I don't care what they all call me. He's my friend."

Patton turns his focus back to the lesson, but he keeps spacing out and missing parts, thinking about Logan's comments. But soon enough he's through algebra, and history passes without incident, and he's on his way to the Sanders house on Roman's bus.

As they walk through the door, Roman trills loudly, "Paaapaaaa!!!!!!! We're hoooOOOmmmeee!"

"I think I missed the part where I raised a rooster instead of a Roman," Virgil grumbles, emerging from his home office. "Heya, Patton!"

"Hi, Virgil," Patton says, grinning happily as Virgil immediately opens his arms for a hug. It's been years since he's even tried to call Roman's dad 'Mr. Sanders', because Virgil objects that it makes him sound like some corporate square.

"You wanna see it now or do you need to decompress first?" Virgil asks.

"Now please!" Patton says, and Roman claps and runs to the entrance hall to find the package waiting there.

Practically bouncing, Roman hands the package to Patton as he goes into the spare bedroom that's practically become his. His hands shake a little as he tears open the packaging.

"Patton? Kiddo, you okay in there?" Virgil asks through the door.

Patton emerges, tears leaking down his cheeks. He's changed into some of the clothes he keeps here, plus his new addition - pants, a polo, and his brand-new binder.

Roman bursts into applause, wolf-whistling and cheering. Virgil just smiles. "How's it feel, kiddo?"

Patton smiles at them, eyes damp. "It feels perfect. Thank you so much for letting me get it sent here."

"Anytime you need, Patton," Virgil says. "You know you're an honorary Sanders. Now, do you remember the safety tips we talked about?"

"No sleeping in it, or wearing for too many hours at a time, and try not to exercise in it?"

"That's right, kiddo. And you can keep it here until you feel comfortable wearing it out and about."

Roman hugs Patton carefully, not squeezing as tight as he normally does. "You look very handsome, Pat."

Patton just blushes and hugs back, amazed by the new feeling of the less-squish-in-the-front of the hug.

"Also I know it's our excuse but can you actually help with me bio, I can't get the hang of the cycles."

"Anytime, Roro."

Much later that evening, after a spaghetti dinner and several hours of 'homework' that actually accomplished one half hour's worth, Patton leans back against the bedspread with a happy sigh.

Roman looks up, eyes glowing in contentment. "Hey, you. You good?"

Patton looks down at his flatter chest and smiles. "Yeah, it's- I'm so happy, Ro. Thank you again."

"It's what you deserve, Pat," Roman says earnestly. "You deserve to have your family fully embrace and accept you, too, but until then you've got us."

Patton makes grabby hands, and Roman scoots over to hug him tightly. They don't always need words.

"Ro-" Pat says quietly, a thought suddenly popping into his head and out his mouth. "Did you know that half the grade calls me The Future Mrs. Sanders?"

Roman stiffens, not making eye contact. "I've, uh. Heard that once or twice, yeah. I know it sucks, Pat, but I don't know how to discourage it without outing you."

Patton takes a breath. "That part- I mean, I'm used to it. But-"

Roman sits back, looking concerned. "You know you deserve to have people use your pronouns and honorifics, right? It's not too much to ask. It won't be an imposition, I promise, it's just courtesy-"

"I know, Roro, thank you. No, I um. Yeah, that Mrs. part is still an unyeah, but-"

Roman waits, a little confused.

Patton closes his eyes. "Does the other part bother you? The part where they're implying that we- that we'd get, you know."

"Married?" Roman squeaks out.

"Yeah, that."

"I- I mean, you'll be my best friend no matter what but um, maybe, occasionally, Ithinkaboutthattooyeah?" Roman says all in a rush, blushing furiously.

Patton opens his eyes to see Roman's red face, then reaches out and takes Roman's hand. "Oh thank goodness."

Roman stares at their interlocked hands for a long moment, face growing steadily redder. "Really?" he manages to squawk out. "You- you really- me?"

"Who could I possibly like more than you, Roro?" Patton replies, and he's blushing too, now. "I- I love you, Roman. As much as I know how."

Roman makes a strangled sound of delight, only able to smile and nod. He swallows, trying to compose himself, and whispers, "Patton - will you be my boyfriend?"

Patton is fairly sure he could never contain more warm fuzzies than he does right now, hearing "boyfriend" applied to himself, from this wonderful, wonderful boy that has been his best friend for 6 years.

"Only if you're be mine too, buttercup," he whispers, happy tears sparkling in his eyes for the second time today.

⁂

Part 3: twenty-one

Roman watches Patton moving around their dorm room as he paces.  In his head Roman counts how many minutes have elapsed and decides it’s time to interfere.

“Honeycake, you can always decide not to, you know that, right?”

Patton flashes him a distracted smile. “I know, sweetheart, but that’s the problem. I want to, I’m just-“ He twists his hands nervously. “I’m nervous, Ro.”

“Would it help to talk over why you’re nervous, or do you want to not think about it?”

Patton paces again, back and forth, then sighs. “I’m going to do this eventually, so I might as well do it now. I want to remember tomorrow without regret.”

Roman stands and grabs Patton’s fidgeting hands, holding them in his and looking directly into Patton’s eyes. “Let’s do this, Pat. I’m here for you, always.”

Patton smiles weakly. “Can you dial, I’m going to chicken out.”

Roman nods, and unlocks Patton’s phone. In just a couple buttons, it’s ringing on speaker.

“You’ve reached the Corwan residence.”

Patton takes a breath, and says, “Hi, Dad.”

“Ah, good, we were beginning to worry we’d miss the ceremony tomorrow!”

“Yeah,” Patton says, a little shaky. “Well, I’ve asked, and there will be tickets for you and Mom at the box office.”

“Thank you. You know how excited we are to watch you graduate! We are so proud of you, Patricia.”

Patton flinches, and Roman immediately grabs his hand and squeezes.

“Um, yeah. I- I don’t know if we’ll have time to go out after, there’s a lot of stuff for the program and student leadership-“

”If you think we’re not going to take our daughter out to dinner on her big day, you’ve got another thing coming!” he replies in a jovial tone. Patton flinches again.

“Oh- okay then, Dad. I’ll see if there’s time. Um. See you tomorrow.”

“Can’t wait!”

Patton hangs up, head bowed. Roman immediately starts to peppering his face in kisses.

“My sweet, dear man, you are so brave and wonderful and also I will absolutely make those tickets disappear if you’d like them not to come after all.”

Patton leans into Roman’s chest with a shaky chuckle. “No, I think it’s time, love. I don’t want to keep hiding.”

The next day, the campus is a zoo, filled with families and balloons and people trying to find an open spot for photoshoots in their caps and gowns.

Roman and Virgil have teamed up to convince Patton to be subjected to full model treatment, Roman earnestly whispering “Make it fashion!” from behind Virgil’s clicking camera. Patton’s laughing as he tries to balance on the hippo statue that is their school’s mascot.

Then, though, it’s time, and Roman and Patton wave to Virgil as they file into the huge staging area with their classmates. They’re a sea of maroon robes, brightened by cords and stoles in various colors for all the school’s affinity groups and activities. Patton’s got so many, he looks like he’s wearing a rainbow. He fidgets with his colored stole. “Ro-“ he says, grabbing for his boyfriend’s hand.

“Patton, my light, you look amazing,” Roman says, leaning in close so only Patton can hear his murmur. “You are so, so strong, and so brave, and I love you to the moon and to Saturn.”

Patton smiles into Roman's shoulder, and manages to relax. They share a quick, chaste kiss, then separate to their halves of the alphabet.

Luckily, as they file in, their seats end up just across the aisle from each other, and Roman keeps turning to blow kisses.

The good thing about being in the Cs is that Patton doesn’t have too long to sit and let his nervousness fester. He walks up to the stage in procession, seeing Roman mouth “You’ve got this!” from the crowd of graduates.

“Cosgrave, Alicia” walks across the stage to the cheers of her family and accepts her diploma. Patton takes a deep breath.

“Corwan, Patton!”

He pushes his various cords out of the way to reveal his stole’s colors: stripes of light blue, pink, and white. He squares his shoulders, and walks across the stage. He’s not looking at the crowd, but he recognizes Virgil’s whooping.

He accepts his diploma, shakes the university president’s hand, and poses for the staged picture all before allowing himself to look up into the bleachers.

He can immediately see the Corwans. They don’t look mad, just- confused. His dad seems to be studying the program intently. He turns back to his seat, to see Roman’s smile glowing from across the aisle.

“I’m so proud of you,” he mouths, eyes shining, and Patton lets out a relieved sigh. He did it. And Roman’s here. It will be okay, no matter what happens next.

The rest of the ceremony melts away, and all Patton really remembers is Roman pulling faces at him as the speakers drag on, and him having to muffle his giggles.

The minute they’re standing to proceed out, Roman leaves his place in line to sneak over and slip his hand into Patton‘s. He sticks by his side until they’re out in the meeting area.  Patton has a deathgrip on Roman’s hand with nervousness as he looks around the crowd.

Virgil finds them first, and Roman’s very flamboyant uncle Remy is there, too, stealing Roman’s mortarboard to pose dramatically.

Then Patton hears the polite cough behind him that he knows is his mom. He turns, Roman’s hand in his still, with the Sanders brothers at his back.

“Why did they say your name like that?” his dad asks bluntly.

Patton straightens. “Because that’s the name on my diploma.”

“Patricia, what’s the meaning of this-“

“It’s Patton, dad. I changed it legally.”

“Patty, what are you saying?” his mom asks, frowning.

Patton plucks at his stole. “I’m trans, mum. I’m a boy. And I was always meant to be one, no matter how many dresses I wore.”

His heart is in his throat, beating like mad, but Roman’s squeezing his hand in pride and Virgil and Remy are behind him. He can practically hear Remy sliding his glasses down his nose to glare at the Corwans.

”And you’re okay with this- this delusion?!” Mr. Corwan demands, turning to glare at Roman.

“Absolutely,” Roman replies immediately. “He’s been my boyfriend for 7 years, and I love him as he is and exactly as he is.”

”This- no, that’s ridiculous, Patricia,” his dad spits out. “No daughter of mine is going to be part of this trender nonsense. I thought that was clear.”

“You made your position clear he was seven and scared to go home,” Virgil cuts in acidly. His hand is warm and comforting on Patton’s shoulder. “You made it clear that he’d have to hide himself from his own parents because they couldn’t find a way to love their child as a son.”

Mr. Corwan sputters, turning purple, as Mrs. Corwan turns white.

“Well- you can say goodbye to any help from us-"

“What help?” Remy drawls. “Ya boy’s graduated, been hired, and signed a lease without you. He doesn’t need your assistance even if you wanted to give it.”

Mrs. Corwan purses her lips. “Well, I hope that he,” she says tightly, exaggerating the pronoun in what is clearly intended as mockery, “is prepared to go through life without a family.”

Roman takes a step in front of Patton at that. “You’re not ashamed to say that to your only kid? Really? I’ve got news for you, ma’am. He’ll always have a family.”

“What, you mean that?” she asks with a derisive sniff at Virgil and Remy still holding Patton’s shoulders.

“No,” Roman says, suddenly calm. “I mean this."

He turns, smoothly sinking to one knee as he smiles up into Patton’s shocked-into-smiling face.

“Patton Corwan, my gorgeous man, love of my life, will you do me the honor of becoming my husband?”

All the heaviness in his chest melts away and the knots in his stomach dissolve as Patton smiles down into Roman’s adoring gaze. “Oh Roman,” Patton says. “I would love nothing more.”

“I will not stand for-“ Mr. Corwan gets out, but Patton’s gaze locks onto his.

“Congrats. You don’t need to. You already said no daughter of yours will be like me, and you were right. You’ve made it clear I’m not your family. And as long as that’s how you feel, I don’t want to be.” Before he can sputter out an answer, Patton adds, “Plus, it’s way too late to object. Should’ve been there over Christmas if you wanted to, now you’re gonna have to forever hold your peace.”

“I’m- what?”

“Can I tell them?” Roman says, standing with a huge grin. Patton nods, starting to laugh.

“Patton asked me to marry him way back in December, the minute he got his early job offer. It was a beautiful ceremony. It even had the kind of dress I’m sure you were picturing, and I wore it particularly well, if I do say so myself.”

“Oh, rough luck babes, looks like your invites got lost,” Remy drawls. “Well, maybe you’ll get to get to your other kid’s wedding. Oh wait.”

Virgil grins. “You two spouses want to go get graduation lunch now? My treat. I think they’re gonna need a minute.”

“Or a couple thousand,” Remy mutters.

Patton turns away from his parents, beaming at his family. “That would be wonderful, Papa.”

⁂

[kimyoonmiauthor]

Gender

Lower engagement, but higher personal satisfaction... let’s go for that.

How I define my gender.

I’ve never really been 100% committed to being a woman.

https://www.quora.com/How-do-I-know-I-am-cisgender-Ive-heard-some-cis-people-do-question-their-gender-and-Im-trying-to-tell-whether-Im-trans-or-one-of-these-cases Taking the questions from here... it would split this way: Gender dysphoria- when I was younger, a little. Gender Euphoria- never. Gender Politics (beyond basic empathy for others)- Oh fuck no. I don’t get why so many, particularly cis men are hung up on men must wear pants and not pink. I *do* look for women in history, but it’s more like a solidarity and hating erasure of marginalized groups and celebrating those marginalized groups. So political one way, but not particularly on the philosophical performance part. I also tend to spend a lot of time on things I don’t understand.

“Do you feel equally comfortable in men and women’s fashion, only noticing the practical differences?” Pretty much. If you give me a man’s suit I’d wear it. I had no issues with playing as a man for a skit.

 Are you basically ambivalent about makeup? 50/50. Sometimes I do care and do it for “funsies” but most of the time I don’t care because I don’t like “woman as object and consumerism.”

“Do you ‘play along’ when someone tells you what your assignment should be doing, but also don’t really care?”

Pretty much true. Like I was told girls aren’t supposed to like dirt. Screw that. girls aren’t supposed to like sports. I was like screw that. Girls aren’t supposed to like bugs. So what?

I did tend to read more women-led fiction over men’s fiction, but that’s mostly because men’s fiction has “gems” that sexualize women in ways that made me squirm. Cis het men’s writing about women usually piss me off, so I usually don’t try. And I’m all about the fairness. (But also note I’m gray-aro and read a crapton of romance, so who knows how that all works. I’m also gray-a and read a crapton of romance, though not sex repulsed (more like somewhere between sex neutral and receptive? I rated myself a 6-7... on a 0-9 scale.)) Gender tests I’ve taken: 50/50. Usually get something like demi-boy or demi girl. Though I don’t really have that much dysphoria. I do occasionally feel pissed off about my sex presentation, but that’s not really dysphoria as in I hate my body parts actively. It’s more like, why do I have to bother with it? It’s so much work to have to worry in the first place.

When you look in the mirror, do you feel like there’s nothing that really needs to be changed?

This one is more like why do I have to care so much? I feel gender fucked. Like why do I have to go through the steps?

Are you happy with your hair, your chest, the shape of your face?

50/50 on this one.

Aside from maybe wanting to bulk up, wash your hair, or lose a few pounds, are you generally pleased with your appearance?

I give no shits?

Do you appreciate your genitals?

75%/25% appreciation/hate. Sometimes I hate they exist.

Do you like the idea of using them in sex or to make a baby?

This is more like my ace side, I think, but meh? Take it or leave it.

Do they make you feel connected to other people with the same genitals socially, such as complaining about periods, or talking about dick length?

Not really. I’m more like why do you care so fucking much? But I’m not sure how much this is an ace thing.

Do you feel like even if you don’t use them, it’s comfortable just having them around?

Sometimes, not always. Might also be an ace thing.

If you were in a social group of only your assigned gender, would you be happy with it?

Not always. I don’t evaluate that way. Trans people are cool. I pick usually by belief systems and who the person is, morally.

Would it be fairly easy to communicate and find things in common?

I feel ambivalent sometimes towards other women, especially when they go off on tangents about mall shopping, clothes, etc. I feel the same about men talking about watching sports and warfare.

Would you feel harmonious and homogeneous with the group, if the individuals had personalities you liked?

Meh? I also listen to people I don’t like.

If you took away all the physical features that made up your assignment, what gender are you now? Where does that feeling come from?

I’m still me. I don’t care.

If you got to choose your gender upon reincarnation, what would you pick?

Flip a coin. Roll a dice. I don’t give a fuck.

If a wizard changed your sex permanently, would you be pissed or excited?

Meh. Don’t care.

What gender characters do you generally play in RPGs, and what options do you wish were more frequently available?

I’ve generally played women, given no other options besides binary, but also moonlighted as men, but then felt sick because male privilege.

“Do I FEEL like my assigned gender?”*

Shrugs. Not that committed. If you got an all-expenses paid trip to womanhood spa central, and became a socially idealized version of yourself, THEN would you feel like a woman? 

No. I oscillate between liking make up for the pure knowledge of it, and not giving a fuck. I’ve never understood the hours of make up, hair performance, etc.

As a child, I was the type that wanted to be good at *everything* and was upset that my Dad wouldn’t give me the time of day for “masculine” things. I was *also* good at figuring things out. I *also* wanted to be good at sports. I *also* like girly things occasionally. I wanted it all and didn’t see why my brother or me got compliments for different things and felt deep insult when I couldn’t do that too and also get compliments for it. (If you’re imagining an annoying precocious child--that’s about right) I don’t see the point of the gender construct when it re-enforces ideas of genders can do only certain things, when it’s never been proven true. So why are people so effing committed to performing it? I wear hanbok. I’ll wear a male one. I’ll make an androgynous one. I wear those without issue. I’ll cross dress if I like, because I don’t really see the point and European and European-derived defined genders as fucked in the first place. What is this men==violence and horses thing? What is this women==weakness and capitalism thing? I don’t get it. And why do I have to wear European-derived clothes in the first place? Plus from my academic study of gender and gender history, that just cemented for me how fucked up the White European and White European diaspora is about gender in the first place and I feel even less committed to it. I do perform usually more like a woman than a man, but it’s more like whatever is convenient, rather than an absolute commitment to the role. ‘cause you know, my gender is my least concern here, (probably along with ace aro) while not quite hating on it. I wear my hair long, because money and I don’t feel like cutting it very often and I like to be able to keep it out of my food, as well.

I don’t mind masculine pronouns in theory, because whatever floats your boat. But I do care if you think foreign name==men, because that’s giving into masculine hegemony and that is rude to other people unlike me who might be more committed to their genders, and that I definitely care about.

[xxsanshinexx]

Dick Boy

Characters: Felix X reader (featuring Ateez)

Genre: Crack/Fluff

Words: 3809

Synopsis: Your soulmate just wouldn’t stop drawing dicks on your arm

~

You were told growing up that soulmates were a special thing. It was the person who your soul was tied to, who could make you the happiest you could ever be, it was someone everyone in their lives wanted to meet at least once. Your parents were lucky enough to have found each other early on in life, some of your friends had found theirs while on the playground at recess and others were still idly searching for their second half. People said that when they realized who they’re soulmate was, an intense feeling of euphoria flowed through them; however, you were skeptical that you would have such feelings towards your soulmate. 

They just wouldn’t stop drawing dicks on your arm. 

Soulmates were attached by drawing on the skin. Whatever you wrote down on yourself would become plastered to your soulmates skin until you removed it. So when small doodles showed up on your skin as a child you were rather fond of the scribbles. There were small drawings of dogs, of singers, and occasionally a poorly written hello which you barely had time to respond to before it was washed away. Those sweet drawings from childhood had washed away entirely by the time you had reached middle school, high school, and now college. Instead of “hello” or “good morning”, it was “what’s 34 to the 3rd degree” or “What else is in a cell all I remember is mitochondria”. While your soulmate was endearing, he was also annoying. 

Especially now as a rather large dick began to mark the top of your arm, for everyone in your morning lecture to see. You were jolted from your adapt note taking as the shapes began to take form, making your face heat up in embarrassment as you tried your best to cover it. On most days, you even brought a jacket no matter the weather to hide the embarrassing images that appeared on the skin of your body.

“Another dick pic?” Jongho, a friend you had made on the first day of your college experience due to another unfortunate placage of phallical drawings, laughed as you pressed your hand against the desk trying to cover the growing amount of drawings.

“This little shit has an obsession I swear!” You quietly grumbled as you tried to focus back on your lecture and notes, but the ghost of a pen marking your skin was hard to ignore; especially as it creeped up your arm.

“Damn this one is bigger than the last,” Jongho traced the outline of the shapes trailing up your arm, “This one is incredibly vivid as well… maybe your soulmate is just a really good dick drawer? Ever thought about that? Art majors are weird in inexplicable ways.”

“Just give me a marker and shut up.”

Jongho scoffed and rolled his eyes, focusing back on the professor who seemed to still be on the same topic, “What makes you think I have markers on me.”

“There’s literally a coloring book out in front of you.” Indeed, Jongho never failed to bring some childish activity to do during your morning lectures. He found them too boring to pay attention to and would much rather listen to them on his phone later when his brain was up to it. 

He sighed in defeat and handed you a bright red marker, a contrast to the black on your arm, “I’d rather you not expose me in front of the entire class.”

“Trust me, you’re doing that to yourself right now,” You uncapped the marker with you teeth and took another look at his book, “Is that Hello Kitty?”

“Leave her out of this you dick fanatic.” His comment made a few people around you turn their heads and you ducked, the redness of your cheeks brighter than the marker in your hand. Jongho wasn’t lying though, your soulmate really was a dick fanatic. Lifting your arm back onto the table, it was nearly entirely covered in phallical images, some more vivid than others, and it made you grit your teeth in annoyance; even more so at the fact that they had the audacity to do so in all the colors of the rainbow. 

“Can you not draw dicks on yourself at 10 a.m. please, I just want to get through my classes.”

There was a reply no less than a minute later, but it was in a different handwriting than normal, “Ah so your his soulmate. We didn’t think you’d see all of these.”

You scoffed at the reply, scribbling back angrily, “Do you not know how soulmates work?? Now go wash him off or something I have to give a presentation and I DO NOT want dicks on my arms.”

“You’re no fun, your soulmate thinks it’s funny.” 

“I’m sure he does now please wash his arm.” You paused as you looked up, noticing a few eyes trailing your arms and to the frantic scribbling of your pen, “This is embarrassing.” 

“I’m so drawing more, when’s your presentation? I’ll draw one right on his forehead for you <3”

You decided in that moment that you hated whoever your soulmate associated himself with, “If I ever find out who you are I swear to God I’m going to kill you.”

 “Those are big words coming from someone with dicks all over their-” the words were cut off abruptly, with a smudged trail of ink following them. You frowned at the sudden lack of words until more began to appear, this time in an all too familiar handwriting, “I'M SO SORRY ABOUT MY FRIENDS I GO SHOWER RIGHT NOW.”

“Just wash the dicks off your arm please… and stop letting them draw on you.” you sighed as you capped the pen, leaning back in your seat avoiding the amused stares from your classmates. 

Jongho chuckled at your flustered state and took the pen from your hands, “So you get through to them?”

“It’s a he apparently,” You leaned your forehead against the desk, all motivation to follow along in today's lecture entirely gone, “And he has very awful friends.”

“Sounds more like he’s in middle school than college.”

“You act the exact same way, hello kitty boy.”

“Shut the fuck up y/n,” Jongho hissed, hiding his coloring book in his lap, eyes darting around for anyone who was listening in. Of course your other classmates were having a field day watching the two of you interact, the lecture long forgotten though it didn’t seem like your professor noticed. They never seemed to really care after the third week.

“Chill Jongho, i’m only kidding.” You frowned down at your arm, watching as the drawing began to fade one by one. You wished you knew more about your soulmate than just his friends being obsessed with drawing dicks and him being a he.There were certain things you couldn’t share through ink on sink, such as names and locations; and so the two of you had never really shared information as simple as gender, identification, or even a nickname. Neither of you really initiated any form of talking, mainly communicating through drawings, doodles or odd questions neither knew the answer to.

“You’re worse than San I swear,” He laughed, referencing his older friend who you had met on a few occasions. “And speaking of San,” He turned to you with an eyebrow raised, “Are you going to his party tonight?”

“Do I really have a choice?”

“I mean, no, me and Yeosang would drag you there no matter your answer, but I was trying to be polite.”

“Overall, no I do not want to go. His parties are loud and overcrowded for such a small apartment.” You huffed, feeling as though your opinions would not be taken for granted. 

“Yeah but here's the thing “ He gestured as if he had just connected two dots, “maybe dick boy will be there”

“Will you please not call my soulmate dick boy.” You huffed, hiding your face in embarrassment again as the person turned to look at the two of you with a curious glance. 

“Only if you go to the party.”

“That’s not a good bargain.”

“Guess I’ll just call him dick boy from now on and assume anyone with a dick drawn on them is your soulmate!” Jongho announced loudly, but not enough so that your teacher turned away from their whiteboard; however, the rest of your classmates began to giggle. No doubt they had been listening in on your whole entire conversation, maybe even from the beginning itself. 

“Goddammit fine I’ll go to your dumb party just shut up!” You grumbled trying to escape the embarrassment by hiding your head in your arms. 

Jongho never seemed to be embarrassed though, not as he leaned back in his seat with a proud and triumphant smile, “See? That wasn’t so hard. Maybe you’ll meet dick boy tonight.”

“I fucking hate you.”

“Love you too,” You looked up to see Jongho blow you an overly flirtatious kiss, “Me and Yeosang will be at your dorm by seven.”

That is how you ended up outside your apartment at six fifty-eight dressed in a nice outfit and a frown on your face. The night was too cold for a party and perfect to stay in your bed, binging a show or catching up on sleep. You couldn’t believe that you actually agreed to the party, at least if Jongho had dragged you from your home without your consent you could be angry about it; but now you could only be annoyed at yourself.

“There’s our little ray of sunshine!” Jongho laughed as he and a stone faced Yeosang got up from their spot on the gate on the sidewalk. The both of them had cleaned up nicely; however, that still didn’t mean that San’s party wouldn’t be a mess. He was notorious for having some of the messiest, loudest, and overall drunkest parties on the entire campus. It was a surprise he hadn’t gotten in trouble yet. 

“I’m not happy about this.”

“Your smile says enough about that,” Yeosang laughed as you began to walk down the street, San’s house, or rather the home they all shared, was only a block or so away. 

You rolled your eyes at Yeosang’s sarcasm, “Hello to you too Yeo.”

“Oh lighten up Y/n,” Jongho wrapped his arm around your shoulder and you couldn’t help but wonder if he was already buzzed, “I have a feeling dick boy will be there!”

Yeosang spit on the drink he had been sipping on at the words, “I-what!? Who?”

“My soulmate has friends who likes to draw dicks on his arms.” You scoffed, pulling up the sleeves of your jacket to reveal yet another dick drawing that was in a, thankfully, more discrete place. No doubt your soulmate hadn’t noticed it yet but you couldn’t go out anywhere decent without a jacket now; his friends words from earlier almost made you tempted to wear a ski mask. At least then no one would see the phalics drawn on your skin. “It’s really fucking annoying.”

“That’s goddamn hilarious. I need a pen immediately.” Yeosang began to rummage through his pants pockets while hearty laughter flowed from his lips.

You smacked his moving arms with annoyance written clear across your face, “Dick drawing is my soulmate’s thing! Be a little more creative would you!”

“So you like having dicks drawn on you?”

“I do not-” You groaned in annoyance at the cocky grin on Yeosang’s features, “I hate both of you.”

“Why me!? I didn’t even bring anything up!” Jongho huffed in annoyance and you were almost thankful as you came to a stop in front of San’s house, flashing lights and loud music already emitting from it. 

“You’re the one who gave him that God awful nickname.” You gave both the boys on each side of you a little glare, “Now don’t you dare say anything about dick boy to Mingi or San. I’ll never hear the end of it.”

“As long as the nickname sticks, I really don’t give a shit about the rules.” Jongho grinned, grabbing you by the upper arm and pulling you in the direction of the steps. “Now let’s go party!”

The party was exactly what you imagined it being. Loud, overcrowded, and entirely full of drunk college kids. You were even sure they’re were some professors in the mix; seeing as San was cozy with literally everyone on the campus. If he wanted, he could probably even get the administrators to come and dance with him. Instead, for this party, he had to settle for Yunho and Mingi; the three of them dancing their lives away to a bass heavy beat. San was lucky enough to be friends with Bang Chan, the aspiring DJ and producer, who would play parties for a little fee; even smaller for his friends. 

“So any sign of dick boy? Any more genitals drawn on your arms?” The sly voice of Seonghwa said as he came into view, leaning against the counter top that you sat on top of. 

You groaned and clutched the solo cup in your hand a little tighter in annoyance, “Did Jongho tell everyone?”

“Nearly, he’s kept his promise so far not to tell Mingi and San… though given how drunk Yunho is they’ll probably know by the end of the night.” 

“Just fucking fantastic, the last thing I need is Mingi teasing me for all this!” You downed the rest of the contents in your cup, feeling more tired than uplifted by the alcohol. 

“Don’t drink your worries away yet, Yunho hasn’t said shit to them. Besides, I’ve got some tea.” You rolled your eyes at his words as you played with the rim of your cup. 

“Please never use the word tea again.”

“Guess you don’t want to know who your soulmate is than.” The simple sentence brought a panic into your bloodstream. There was no way Seonghwa could know who your soulmate was. There were billions of people in this world, there was no absolute way he could have figured it out; and certainly not from just a simple dick drawing. 

You tried to steady your suddenly ragged breathing, “There's no way… just… don’t play games Seonghwa.”

“I’m not, Y/n, I wouldn’t lie about this,” He huffed, like he couldn’t believe you thought so little of him. “I really think I know who it is.”

You frowned a little more at the words, and even more as your heart began to speed up in pace. Maybe it wasn’t panic, maybe it was more excitement but all of it made you too dizzy and scared to comprehend. This was your soulmate he was talking about, this person that was tied to you forever; you didn’t know if you were even prepared for the speculations about who it would be. “Hwa, I just.. I don’t really want to know who it is.”

His eyes turned sympathetic at your conflicted features, “I won’t tell you directly than… but know he’s in the living room and has blonde hair.”

“Never really saw myself with a blonde.”

“Never really saw you with a dick drawer either, but the universe is surprising.” He chuckled and you gently hit his arm, thankful to him for trying to brighten up your panicking state. 

You gave him a soft pat on his forearm and let out a quiet sigh, “Thank you Seonghwa.”

He grinned at you and patted your hand in reassurance, “No problem-”

“CHANGBIN I TOLD YOU TO FUCKING STOP YOU KNOW THIS DOESN’T JUST SHOW UP ON ME!”

The loud shouting came from the living room, where laughter and general uproar was happening. Some of the party goers, you and Seonghwa included, paused their actions to watch a figure with their hood up, obscuring their features, run through the kitchen and down the hall. Even without having seen their face, something within you tugged at your body. Something that told you Seonghwa really hadn’t been lying and that you needed to get off your ass. 

“I wasn’t lying.” Seonghwa said and chuckled even more as you turned around to face him, “The dick on your forehead just proves it.”

Your eyes widened in alarm and your hands went up to cover your forehead. While you couldn’t entirely feel the drawing you knew it was there due to the newfound cold feeling of ink. This only caused the panic in you too intensify. 

“Go get your man, Y/n.” Seonghwa pulled you from your spot on the counter and nudged you in the direction of the hallway, while you still covered your forehead. “At least this way you both don’t have to worry about appearances. If you can look pass the dick on your foreheads you’re golden.”

“Oh my God Seonghwa you are not helping!” you whisper screamed, but your eyes were focused on the hallway. Your soulmate was down there. 

“Just go get him, Y/n. You don’t know if you’ll ever meet him again.” Seonghwa wisely told you and you nodded, trying to steel your shaking body. You hated that he was right, hated that your body moved without your thought until you were right in front of the bathroom door. You couldn’t remember how you got there, it was a blind stumble through the crowd who had resumed their partying antics. 

You pressed your ear to the door, trying to both eavesdrop and calm your nerves. Hopefully whoever was behind the door wasn’t the boy, even if your soul itself wanted it to only be him. The faint cursing from the other side solidfied the fact that it was him, “Fucking Changbin… god dammit I told him not to… why won’t this come off!”

Your hand was on the doorknob in an instance and you took a deep breath as you realized what you were doing. Like Seonghwa said, it was now or never. The door creaked open, the light pouring into the dark hallway, and making the boy glaring at the mirror jump.

“Hey sorry this is occupied-” His heavily accented voice faltered as the two of you made eye contact, or more specifically, your eyes made contact with the dick drawings on each others foreheads. Even if it wasn’t for the drawings you both harbored on your foreheads, the intense feeling of belonging was enough for you too know this was real. 

“So,” you breathed out, after the initial tingling feelings passed over you, “You’re dick boy.”

His face tinted red and he covered his hands with his face, “This is not at all how I wanted to meet my soulmate.”

You couldn’t help but scoff at him, but a smile was making it’s way to your lips. People hadn’t lied about the euphoric feeling rushing into your system at meeting you soulmate. “Do you think I really wanted a dick drawn on my forehead either?”

“I’m so sorry about Changbin, I can’t even apologize enough oh my god I’m so sorry I just-” He took a deep breath and finally managed to pull his head away from his hands, eyes catching on the curve of your lips. “I’m really sorry for all the dick drawings. I would’ve never done that too you… I’ll go make sure all my friends apologize to you and everything.”

You couldn’t help the laugh that flowed from your lips at his rambling. He was rather cute, you had to admit, and just maybe blondes were your type with the way his hair bounced with his every movement. “Let’s just get this one off our foreheads first, okay?”

A smile finally made its way onto his lips and you couldn’t help but be entranced, “That… that’s sounds good.”

You nodded and grabbed one of the towels lying around, noticing the one the boy in front of you had drenched in water discarded in the sink, before lathering yours with soap and water. The boy just watched you work quietly before you turned to him again, the proximity close, and he wished that he didn’t have a dick drawn on his forehead in this picture perfect moment. 

“Your friends really did a good job on this one,” Your voice was quiet as you pushed aside his hair, noticing how red his forehead was from his frantic scrubbing. Still a majority of the drawing still remained, “What the hell did they use.”

“Seungmin made a custom stamp,” he mumbled, staring at your eyes as they focused in on gently scrubbing his forehead, “Semi permanent ink and everything… that’s what they used on me this morning.”

“Well… I’ll give them props for dedication.” You hummed, holding the side of his face with your hand as you worked, missing how his face turned scarlet. “You might want to be a little more careful around your friends.”

“Trust me I tried, they just sneak up on me.” He sighed as you let go off his face, pulling back slightly to examine your work. There was little of the drawing left, nothing no one would notice at first glance. Your eyes trailed down to meet the boys in front of you and you had to stop yourself from gasping at the sparkling of them, and the proximity. “It’s what happened tonight. I was just lying on the couch and then bam… Changbin stamped my forehead.”

“I’ll be sure to give Changbin hell than,” You mumbled still caught up in his features, now transfixed on the lovely freckles dotting his cheeks and nose. The universe had been exceptionally kind to gift you with such a handsome soulmate.

“What’s your name?” His breath fanned against your nose and broke you from your staring.

“Y/n…” You muttered before looking back up at his eyes, not missing the cheeky gleam in them, “and you?”

“Felix.” He grinned down at you and in that moment you truly felt happy, in a way that was wholly unexplainable to any other person. No one who just met should make you fill with joy the way that Felix did, but the universe worked in funny ways. 

“Well,” You started, cupping his cheek in your hand once again as you took in his features. You already knew you would never get tired of them, “I’m glad I have something other to call you than dick boy.”

He laughed, whole and hearty at your response, before taking his own leap of faith and leaning his forehead against yours. “You’re still going to call me that… aren’t you.”

“Oh totally.” You grinned, mentally thanking this Changbin for being so extreme with his dick drawing.

[punchholesinthesky]

I didn't know you could just be a boy

I was listening to a podcast today, about a girl who stood up to her parents at the tender age of four and told them that she was a girl and that she'd chosen a name. I'm in awe of this little girl being so damn sure of herself. I got super emotional listening to it and it got me thinking about my own childhood. It was NPR’s radio ambulante, the episode called “yo nena”.

I knew I was different from a young age but I didnt know how.

I just felt it. And probably cause I visited a lot of doctors and i guess most kids don't do that?

I learned that my brain was different but not the details. I had some vague notion of being adhd. I would not learn it until much later by googling different developmental disorders and learning about being neurodivergent and autistic.

I would later on go on to learn I was queer too, and though I had read the word genderqueer once and thought it fit, I hadn't given it much thought.

I was assigned female at birth, and though I have never liked it, I thought I was stuck with it, that I just had to make the best of it.

I remember wishing to be a boy so many times. Identifiying with male characters, creating ocs and alter-egos, acting the male parts (it was an all-girls school, someone had to), and begging mum to let me cut my hair short, and being so happy when people thought I was a boy.

I never liked traditionally female things, never had a barbie, hated dresses (there's still a photo of a tiny grumpy me being forced into a dress one of my grandmas gave me) and my school uniform was trousers 99% of the time. The other 1% was like official acts, maybe the first and last day of school, stuff like that. I hated it, but at an all-girls catholic school I had much biggers issues that complaining about wearing a skirt a few days out of the year. I remember the gym uniform being a problem. Not sure what the problem was. Something about tights maybe?

I never felt like a girl. But it wasn't something I could properly explain so when I tried to talk about it, with my parents or friends what they usually got out of it was the usual self-steem issues of any girl. Mum tried to help by helping me choose new clothes, telling me how good I looked. And trying to get me to be more feminine, teaching me about 'girly stuff',

But that wasn't it. I understand it better now .

See, it's not that I have self-steem issues about my appearance. I know I'm conventionally good

looking. And if I gave 1/10 of a fuck I can be a very hot girl. I have photos of pasts attempts to prove it. But it never felt right. It never felt like me.

I can put on a bikini and I'm young, thin, fit, I'll look good. But that doesn't mean I'll like what I see in the mirror. I don't feel uncomfortable because I think the person in the mirror looks bad but because I don't know who that is.

I feel exposed. Vulnerable. Bikinis are uncomfortable by design, meant to exploit feminine bodies and for someone who's already uncomfortable having one? A bloody nightmare.

And there's a lot of understand. Why the hell am I being punished for the crime of having a female body by being constantly uncomfortable ? Why are clothes so terrible? Why is so hard to find something basic and decent? Why are bras the worst?? On and on and on. questions I never got the answer to. So much confusion about girl stuff that every other girl i knew seemed capable of navigating.

For a long time I blamed it on me being weird (ie, neurodivergent)

Like, all my friends started caring about boys, parties, romance, alcohol and drugs.

I'd always struggle in school and one year I got literally left behind.

I struggled with depression. I tried hard to fit in and be like them. I tried to be normal, followed their strange rituals. I let my hair grow out, i went on dates with boys, I drank too much and made out with strangers. I got into trouble. I wore a dress to my graduation and invited a boy I'd been talking to.

It was one of the few times I wore a dress voluntarily. Another one was a christmas dinner. And a new year's party. I also wore a skirt to dress up as kate bishop. That's about all I recall. I did buy a dress to cosplay clara oswald but never did it.

I wonder, what if I had told my parents I was a boy and I wanted to be treated like one before? How would they have reacted ?

Laughed it off probably. As they did when I pretended to be a boy for a game as I often did.

I can't imagine them taking it seriously, even now.

I don't know when I found out trans people existed, or who was the first one I heard about.

But I do know I thought it meant you like hated your body or yourself and wanted to be totally different.

And that didnt fit me. I had never hated myself. I hated how the world treated me. I hated arbitrary rules based on gender.

My scout group was mixed-gender, but we were divided in troops and these were single-gender and divided by age.

But we all learned the same things. Whether it was building a fire, tracking, or cooking, we got the same lessons. Sometimes we competed and we slept/bathed separately.

In TECHO it was all mixed-gender. Well, except bathing, but often we'd shared the same bathroom. We slept, cooked, and worked together.

And nobody ever looked down on girls as 'the weaker sex'

That was cool.

My actual education was the opposite. Academically, it is better for a school to be all-girls, at least for girls. But socially, not so much.

As a teenager, I hadn't quite forgotten how much I wanted to be a boy as a kid, but idk I thought I had left it behind me. That what I craved was freedom, independence, the benefits of being a boy, not actually being one.

Later I would discover terms like 'internalized misogyny' and think that was the problem. Cause I liked Lucy and Arya, not Susan and Sansa.

Yet here I stand, years later. Having done a lot  of work. Recognising the value of Susan and Sansa. Appreciating Peggy Carter, in a gay and feminist way, and still not wanting to be a girl.

It just doesn't fit me. It's not a rejection.

I'm a feminist. I think women are great.

I understand there are many ways to be one.

That I don't have to be feminine to be one.

And yet, it just doesn't feel right.

After I learned of what 'gender dysphoria' was I though, 'oh I can't be trans I don't have that'

And then, I learned about 'gender euphoria'

And that finally opened my eyes

Trying to be a girl always felt like an ill-fitting costume, no matter how hard I tried. Like I was playing a part and didn't know my lines.

I remember cutting my hair short, like kstew, and going WOW upon seeing my reflection.. I looked more like myself than I had in ages.

I bought different clothes. Boy's clothes. I'm too small for men's clothes but I can fit just fine in clothes meant for 12 years old boys.

I cut my hair, put on new clothes, bought tight sport bras, and when I looked in the mirror, I wasn't sure who the person staring back was but I really liked how he looked.

My parents, for ages, tried to get me to 'dress nicer' to 'act like a lady' and so on. I cared enough to shower and put on clean clothes. I bought a lot of nerdy shirts which I at least liked. Did some experiments. Occasionally I'd make an effort but otherwise I was pretty basic. Loose-fitting jeans and hoodies.

Family kept gifting me nicer girly things I'd wear once and often ignored later.

It wasn't till I gave myself permission to truly dress how I wanted, and yes to shop in the boy's/men's section that I started to actually care about how I looked and putting more effort in.

I never thought I could be a boy, because I didn't know that was a thing you could do.

if I had been like that little girl and said 'i'm a boy' I think they'd havebeen at a total loss.

would they have asked my shrink? What would he have said?? It felt as though they were always on my case to be more lady-like but I know that's unfair. They were generally pretty okay with me being a tomboy, at least until puberty. And even then it was never that huge a thing. More of a constant annoying issue. There were many more pressing ones.

It's 2019, and I bet most parents would still be at a loss. There's not exactly a lot of rep or info.

I'm a lot happier with how I look now, but I still haven't found the right words to explain myself to my parents. I know I have to eventually, I want to stop hiding, to be visible, to change my name.

[transthaumaturge]

On Lumberjanes and a Missing Childhood

Recently, I picked up a few volumes of the absolutely amazing comic series Lumberjanes. Written by a slew of all-star queer/LGBT+ and female writers including She-Ra‘s Noelle Stevenson, it’s a fun and engaging story about girl scouts making their way through summer camp, earning badges and fighting paranormal threats along the way. The characters are wonderful, the stories are comedic and heartfelt, and the series does a wonderful job of addressing what makes each girl in Roanoke cabin both awesome and vulnerable in their own way. If this sounds interesting to you, I highly recommend it if buying it is within your means.

But I’m not writing this post to review the comic, although it features pretty centrally in what I’m about to talk about. The thing is, I felt something that I didn’t expect to feel when reading Lumberjanes--I felt melancholy, and I felt nostalgia for experiences I never got to have. This is a long post, so the rest of it will be below the cut. Prepare for discussion about transness, and what my gender identity and when I realized I was me means in the context of childhood.

I came out to myself as a trans woman around a year ago. I realized I wasn’t cis maybe six months before that, and spent most of my time at college grappling with my latent femininity and what it meant that I ached so much to go out in a dress and paint my nails. However, this means that I missed something crucial that trans girls who successfully decipher their gender during childhood are able to access more and more nowadays--I never got to grow up as a girl.

It might be a bit dramatic to say that I didn’t have a childhood, because I did. I was a kid for about as long as many of you were, and I had many of the same experiences--hanging out with friends in the playground, getting really into trading cards for a bit (I still have my Yu-gi-oh elemental heroes deck somewhere), and even going to summer camp a few times.

However, I also grew up as an autistic kid. As part of that, I didn’t really have a lot of self-awareness. I think that this is the biggest reason it took me so long to realize that I’m transgender. When I was a kid, I identified as a boy because that’s what everyone told me I was. I used male pronouns, and my dad taught me how to shave and tie a tie. I had a bar mitzvah, and joined a male Jewish youth group chapter.

But a major realization I’m starting to have is that during that time, I didn’t really have a rich experience of masculinity. I thought I was a boy, but all that meant to me was that I had male parts, I was growing body hair, and people said that that’s what I was. So I believed them without thinking much about it. What’s brought this to my attention is reflecting on how strongly I experience femininity now that I’ve discovered it inside of myself, how giddy my gender euphoria makes me feel literally all the time (I’m sitting at my computer with a cute dress on right now, and I feel like I’m one happy thought away from either laughing or happy-crying), and how this really truly feels like the first time I’ve experienced gender in a genuine way.

That means that ultimately, I went through my childhood as not much of anything. I developed interests just like everybody else, I experienced puberty and the urges that came with it, and I did my homework with a mix of disgust and enjoyment depending on the class. But I did so as a sort of genderless entity, consuming and producing without much awareness of who I really was. I was what I made, and the content that I invested myself in was me. There wasn’t much else outside of that. So was I really a boy after all? I thought that I was, but in retrospect, I don’t think that that was the case.

Let’s bring this back to Lumberjanes. What would my childhood have been like if I had recognized and understood my femininity much earlier? What if I had been able to transition as a teenager? What if I had been able to participate in a girls’ youth group chapter, or sleep in a girls’ cabin as Jewish sleepaway camp? It probably wouldn’t have been exactly like the way that the characters in the comic experience it, because that’s a romanticized version of friendship and female camaraderie that’s meant to make the story more compelling and highlight interesting character dynamics. But maybe...I would have been able to have some of that. I could have had an awkward makeup phase, where I just caked it on with reckless abandon. I could have explored feminine expression at an earlier age, trying on clothing in clashy colors and trying out weird colors of nail polish with friends at an age where that kind of thing is tolerated, or even expected. And yes, maybe I could have even made a friendship bracelet for a friend at A & C as a 13-year-old camper, while she sat across the table and made one for me.

I know that this is a feeling that a lot of queer people experience along the lines of both sexual/romantic orientation and gender identity--either because they didn’t get to express themselves the way that they wanted to when they were younger, or because like me, they just didn’t know. And I know that my specific longing to have grown up as a girl are shared by many trans women around the world. But this is the first time that I realized this about myself, and I wanted to share it just in case someone is feeling the same way and needs to know that they’re not alone.

So catch me at Gencon later this summer, cosplaying as Jo, an amazing trans girl from Lumberjanes! In the meantime, I’ll focus on grabbing the rest of the comics and probably bawling my eyes out over them at some point.

P.S: This wasn’t in any way an attempt to reinforce a binary way of viewing gender. I know that there are people who experience a mix of masculinity and femininity, people who feel neither, and everything in between. To all of the amazing nonbinary people, genderfluid friends, demi pals, agender comrades, and everyone else who doesn’t experience a gender identity that fits snugly into the presumed binary, you’re all doing great and your experiences are valid.

Love, Rachel

[dontdowhatisayandnobodygetshurt]

my lovely beautiful mother @lielith asked this, I’m sorry Tumblr freaked out and deleted all my text reply to your ask .-. I LOVE YOU THANK YOU FOR ASKING <3 <3 <3

this is going to be all the even numbers from this post, I’m putting it under the cut bc it’s a bit long XD <3

2. what does your name mean (either literally, or to you personally)

OKAY SO when I was about 8 my Mum bought me this book:

(please pardon my star blanket) and I was obsessed with it bc DOGS!!!1!!!!!!!1! and one of the characters’ names was Matthias, and I remember thinking “wow Matthias is such a cool name, I wish my name could be Matthias.” AND LIKE NEWS FLASH LITTLE-MATT, GUESS WHAT, IT IS!!!!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D <3 <3 <3 (Also it wasn’t toooooo dissimilar to my deadname, so it wasn’t much of a jump - it even means the same thing - ‘gift of God’ - even if it is terribly inaccurate if put into context with me X’D 

also yes I still have the exact book I got my name from bc :’)

4. what was the most helpful in figuring out and accepting yourself as trans?

Experimenting. Especially online since I had no fucking idea how my folks were going to react. Going by different pronouns/a different name, trying on different types of clothes, cutting my hair, trying to walk a bit different and letting myself come out of my shell a bit to act more like me rather than trying to hide everything away. Just find a safe space to experiment, and do research. Lots and lots of research. And also knowing that it’s 110% okay to change your mind about anything at any time is nice. <3

The biggest tip I would give to anybody questioning their gender and/or sexuality though is: do not come out until you are comfortable in yourself first and do not let anybody pressure you into coming out before then, even yourself. Trust me. Don’t make the same mistake I did because it will make everything a billion times harder.

6. what’s something you’re most looking forward to in your transition (or something that was your favorite part of transitioning)?

God not having to have my anxiety through the roof thinking that somebody’s gonna notice my chest. I cannot wait to get top surgery I need it so bad. I can’t remember the last time I relaxed in a public space - in any space, really. It’s just a constant thing. Also starting T at some stage and getting a deeper voice and hopefully getting rid of most of the feminine curves bc ugh on women they’re amazing but on me *insert gagging noises here*. Also hopefully having less and less dysphoria would be nice :’)

8. who was the first person you came out to (or plan to come out to)?

My former best friend/abuser. And honestly even though she was the world’s biggest abusive manipulative bitch, she did that right and supported me and made me feel very comfortable. Though looking back that may have been because she liked the idea of having a trans person as a best friend but eh, it helped me at the time so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

10. have you ever been to pride?

No, I haven’t. ://// :(((( I really really really wanted to go this year but with the big move and all that, I couldn’t. So NEXT YEAR IS THE YEAR, BABY!! :D :D <3 <3

12. what gives you the most gender euphoria?

Already answered here! <3

14. what’s your favorite trans joke or meme?

Honestly all of them but this one wins atm from sheer relateble-ness X’D

16. do you have any piercings?

Nope!! I don’t really have any plans to get any, but I’m not against the idea!! :D

18. what do you wish other people understood better about being trans?

That we’re just people. Who want to do people things like pee in a public toilet without being harassed or potentially attacked and who want to feel comfortable in our bodies.

20. what advice would you give your younger self?

“YOU’RE A BOY YOU TREMENDOUS DUMBASS!!!!!” uhh, apart from that, tell myself that A) it’s gonna be okay, and B) not to let anybody else dictate who you are, it’s your life, nobody else’s.

22. do you find yourself fitting into gender roles, or consider yourself gender non-conforming?

I mean... what are gender roles?? Most of what are considered a man’s ‘gender roles’ are just harmful toxic masculinity under a thin veneer. I like to be able to support and protect my loved ones in every way, I want to be a strong, solid presence, I like the colour blue, tattoos, very masculine clothes, rolling around in the mud, being physically strong, but then again so do many women. I also like the colour yellow, have died my hair pink, and don’t always subscribe to the ideas that many men seem to have. I don’t want to be “the head of the household” because I want my partner and I to be equal and have mutual respect for one another. What even is gender and gender roles?? 

24. any trans role models?

MY TRANS FRIENDS. <3 But otherwise, no, not really?? I don’t really trust people enough to have role models lmao.

26. what makes you most proud to be part of the trans community?

Umm...I don’t really know. Honestly, I think there’s a lot of toxicity in the trans community and I try to avoid it. :/// But I do like that we keep on getting up and raising our voices and that we don’t give up. :D

28. if you went by multiply names before deciding your current name, which was the first?

OOF I sort of always leaned toward Matthias but I thought about Chance for a while?? Until I decided that if I wanted to I could have that as my middle name. So I didn’t really debate for longer than two weeks or so. XD I also thought about Ben too lmao X’D

30. if you experience dysphoria, what do you find helps you the most?

Ugh. Just avoiding it really. I put on my baggiest clothes, burrito myself up in a blanket and try to ignore it until it fades a bit. Or focus on the things I can and will do in the future to get rid of it. But really there’s no way to help it, because you’re trapped in this body and it’s just a constant presence hanging over you. I just can’t wait till I get top surgery, that’ll help. :’)

32. which gender roles or cis beliefs do you find most ridiculous?

... All of it?? Idk man, gender is so weird. There are gay men who are absolutely 110% male who do drag and wear makeup and dresses. There’s straight women who are very masculine. Gender is only what you make it. If you feel like you’re a woman, you’re a woman no matter what you wear or what you do with your hair or if you wear makeup, same for men, and for non-binary people. Like really if you truly think about what defines gender, there’s nothing but what people make it for themselves.

As for cis beliefs, like some people don’t think a person’s trans till after they transition and get “The Surgery” like.... dudes.... why do you think the person was transitioning in the first place....??//?????//??/? XD

34. do you fit any trans stereotypes?

I mean I’m white so I certainly fit the media’s belief of what is the only type of trans person THE SHADE

I mean, I’m small and angry, so there’s that. And I do tend to have a few feminine mannerisms still I guess??? or maybe that’s just my butthead dysphoria speaking. And I also do stare at my chest for hours on end scowling and poking it sooo... X’D

[dkettchen]

On the debate about cis-actors playing trans-roles

I am a non-binary writer/director. I am studying animation atm, but I’ll be in industry in less than a year. I have about 5 big projects (movies, series, short films) planned that revolve around trans(-binary) characters that I wanna make at some point. Projects that I will have to cast actors for.

Before we get started I’d like to point out that actors playing characters of genders other than their own has a long tradition in the performing arts, from theatre (greek men in dresses and women playing peter pan), to sketch comedy (Kate McKinnon playing just so many dudes), to voice acting (women voicing boys (eg every cartoon-boy ever), men voicing deep-pitched women (eg Edna Mode)), and nowadays even mo-cap (there’s a lot of people mo-capping one character usually, just watch some of the bts for Detroit:BH) The argument that characters should be played by someone of the same gender doesn’t apply to cis-roles, so why should it apply to trans ones (mind you, I know why people make the argument, I’m not asking why would it, I’m asking why should it, because I believe we shouldn’t have to be excluded from something just because we’re trans, I wanna be allowed the same genderbending fun as cis-people, thank)

First off let me clarify: I think post-transitional roles should ALWAYS be played by trans-actors, like, obviously, there’s no question about that. 

The issue starts with characters that are pre-medical transition. 

Trans people transition because of a condition called gender dysphoria. Basically, if your assigned gender doesn’t match what you identify as, usually you will feel very uncomfortable in your own skin (dysphoria=the opposite of euphoria). Transitionning (social and medical) (so changing the gendered characteristics of your social and physical gender that you might feel dysphoric about) is done to alleviate dysphoria.

So saying only pre-med trans folk can play pre-med characters is like saying only someone who has cancer at the time can play a cancer patient. 

Most bigger pre-med roles are historical trans figures. This is because back in the day people didn’t have the option to medically transition.  Trans people are different from other minorities in that they look different from 100 years ago. Any POC or queer people can play their historical counterparts no problem, because they look the same. A trans-person today has access to medical transition their historical counterpart didn’t, so they either won’t look the part or still have dysphoria.

Also movies and series can take a long time to complete (from months to years), meaning someone who is pre-med might wanna transition during that time, which, if they were hired to play a pre-med character who doesn’t, would defy the purpose of their casting, and I don’t wanna keep them from transitionning, but I also don’t wanna have to adapt my production and story around my actor’s personal life. 

And even if I have a comparatively shorter project, and I find an actor willing to not transition for the time of the production (like in one of my projects the main character is a pre-transitional teenager, I should be able to find a voice-actor who is young and waiting for treatment or trying to earn some money to fund their transition or smth, who would be willing to participate in such a thing), they’ll still have dysphoria and here’s why that’s a problem:

Pre-transitional characters will almost by default be dealing with their gender dysphoria. I believe that playing someone of a different gender will already take a toll on a cis-actor, who has never had to deal with dysphoria (this is actually something I want to ask Eddie Redmayne about if I ever get to meet him), but they can go home and live their truth and get a break (I see Hiddleston growing that beard everytime he doesn’t have to play Loki). A trans-actor can’t do that. If I make them face their dysphoria all day long, and then they go home, they can’t escape it, they’ll have a breakdown, because it’s their reality. And I know this because I’ve been through it, when I had to defend my dysphoria and my choice to seek medical treatment against my mom. I don’t wanna do that to other people.

Most people getting outraged whenever a cis-actor gets cast in a trans-role will never be faced with having to make that decision. I will. Plenty even. If I fuck up my actors’ mental health while they’re under my care, that is MY responsibility. I can fuck with my own mental health for my cause but I can’t decide to sacrifice someone else’s.

Saying cis-actors should NEVER play trans-characters not only limits creativity, it also limits the ability to produce certain stories in the first place. I think that one day we’ll be at a point where trans people will be normalised and writers will come up with more post-transitional roles, and there’ll be more trans-actors cast in non-specifically-trans roles, but we are not there yet.  We need to try and take steps in the right direction (no matter how small) rather than say we won’t move unless we get to skip to the finish-line.  I believe that the more stories about trans-people we have, the better, regardless of who plays them. An actor’s job is to play someone other than themself. I don’t see a fundamental issue with that. 

I don’t know who I’ll end up casting for that movie about the pre-transitional kid, I’ll try to cast a trans-kid, I’ll use it as an experiment to see if it can be done, casting a pre-med person to play a pre-med character, I’ll try and prove myself wrong, but I am terrified out of my mind that I will break them in the way I’ve broken myself. 

[good--bye--binary]

They/Them or She/Her

Happy Priiiiiiiiiiiiiide!!! 🌈🏳️‍🌈

I got a couple of pics in before heading out to the Chicago Pride Parade today and even talked my mom into taking a couple selfies with me while we were there!

I’m also in the process of coming out to every person I know that I haven’t yet. Most of these are people that are very important to me, but either I don’t get to see them very often and/or they’re more conservative and not at all educated on LGBTQ issues. To that end, I finally wrote a coming out letter and I thought I’d post it here just in case anyone else wanted to use portions of it! 😁

Dear ________,

In case you didn’t already know, this month is LGBTQ+ Pride Month. Both because of this and, more importantly, because I respect and cherish our relationship, I feel compelled to tell you that I am transgender. Specifically, I am non-binary, genderfluid, and transfeminine (more on all of those terms later). Although I have always questioned my gender, I came out to myself in November of 2016. Now I feel it is the right time for absolutely everyone to know.

I have written, deleted, rewritten, and revised this letter many times over many months because I want it to be as clear as possible. To that end, I thought it best to organize it as a list of questions directed towards myself, questions that I would expect you to have. Of course if you ever want me to explain something more, an answer doesn’t make sense, or you have a question that isn’t on here, PLEASE TALK TO ME. You might find that reading these questions and answers are enough, but if you don’t, I would much rather you talk to me directly rather than speculate, be confused, or turn to the internet which may have misleading or inaccurate information. On this last point, I don’t just mean anti-LGBTQ+ websites and organizations; gender is a very complicated and personal experience, so even pro-LGBTQ+ literature may define or explain terms in ways that are different from how I apply them to my gender experience.

Q1. How do you know/what makes you think you’re transgender? A1. Like almost all LGBTQ+ people will tell you, I always knew I was somehow different from most of the other kids. For me, it was about never feeling completely comfortable or understood by boys and men. For as long as I can remember, I have not only preferred the company of girls and women, but I have never felt “like one of the boys.” My closest friends have always been (and continue to be) women. Even in films, TV shows, video games, novels, and short stories, I almost immediately identify with female characters, but rarely do I do the same with male characters.

Have I been able to “fit in” with boys/men in the past? Yes, of course I have, because society has always suggested that I should and that there would be consequences if I didn’t. Did I enjoy the act of having to hide, censor, and think very deliberately about my behavior so that I wasn’t bullied or seen as weird? Absolutely not. I went to sleepovers at my male friends’ houses in grade school, but I hated them. I would get terrible anxiety as the scheduled day came closer and once I got there, I couldn’t wait for them to be over. I hated “acting like a boy.” It brought me literal pain and discomfort.

These feelings of pain, discomfort, and anxiety are symptoms of what is known as dysphoria. Dysphoria is an experience that nearly all transfolk experience. Euphoria is the feeling that everything is perfect—being in a state of mind that is complete bliss and one that you hope will never end. Dysphoria is the opposite of that. It’s the feeling that everything is wrong—a mental and emotional state of torture that feels like it will swallow you up and crush your spirit forever. When applied to transfolk specifically, dysphoria is what we used to mean when we said things like “I feel like a man trapped in a woman’s body” or vice versa. That phrase typically isn’t used any more because it implies that a person is only a man if they have a “male body”/a woman if they have a “female body,” but the intended meaning is the same.

I know that I’m transgender because I experience dysphoria. There are days that I look at myself and I just want to throw up because I don’t feel like I look right from a gender perspective. It feels like I’ve hijacked some other person’s body, like there’s a disconnect between my mind and the person I see in the mirror. Some days I look at my men’s clothes and putting them on feels like putting on clothes made of fire or acid. I see the hair on my legs and I want to rip each and every one of them out. This is dysphoria and it feels terrible.

Q2. What do you do when you feel this way? A2. Before I came out in November of 2016, I just buried it. As a child, I of course had no idea why I felt this way. Not only that, but even in the 1990s society wasn’t ready to talk about gender the way we talk about it now, so the idea of saying I was transgender could never cross my mind because there was next to no representation of transfolk. But now, when my dysphoria hits, I don’t avoid it. I listen to my body, think to myself, “Ok, so you’re not a man today,” and adjust my gender presentation accordingly. This brings me to my specific labels of being non-binary and genderfluid.

Traditionally in Western/American culture, we think of gender as a binary experience—everyone is either a man or a woman. Even most transfolk that you may be familiar with, like Caitlyn Jenner, Jazz Jennings, Laverne Cox, and Chaz Bono, are all binary transfolk. They identify as the “opposite” gender they were assigned at birth. Being non-binary means that I don’t completely identify as a man OR as a woman. Some non-binary people identify as more male than female, more female than male, or feel that they have no gender at all (this is known as being agender). However, I also identify as genderfluid, which means that similar to how water (or any fluid) in a glass can move fluidly in a glass depending on how you tilt it, my gender also moves fluidly.

Try thinking about gender as a spectrum (which nearly all psychologists agree it is), a line from 0 to 10. On one end, you have the feeling of being completely male all of the time and on the other side being completely female.

Though it is impossible to qualify with any kind of numbers, I would say my gender identity varies from day-to-day anywhere between a 4 and and a 10. Because I am more likely to be on the feminine side of the spectrum (6-10), I can also say that I’m transfeminine, meaning that while I don’t identify as a woman every single day (and thus am not a trans woman), I do, on average, tend to feel more like a woman than a man.

So, on days that I’m at a 4 or a 5, I probably just look like what you would expect a man to look like. However, if I’m at a 7, maybe I’ll wear “mens clothes” but also wear some make-up and/or nail polish. If I’m at a 9 or 10, I probably will wear “womens clothes,” make-up, a stuffed bra, and sometimes a wig. However, no matter what my gender expression/presentation is, I’m always non-binary.

Q3. Does this mean you’re a crossdresser? A3. No. Crossdressing is a hobby, which is totally fine if that’s what you’re into. It usually refers to men who always identify as men but find it “fun” to dress in women’s clothes. When I’m a man, I wear men’s clothes. When I’m a woman, I wear women’s clothes. It’s not a fetish or a hobby. I dress for whatever my gender is that day.

Q4. Does this mean you’re gay? A4. Because my gender is constantly shifting, labels like straight, gay, lesbian, and bisexual don’t apply to me. A person’s sexuality is defined not only by who they’re attracted to, but also their own gender. A man who is a attracted to men is gay. A woman who is attracted to men and women is bi. I am only attracted to women, but I myself am neither a man or a woman, so I can’t say that I’m straight, nor can I say that I’m a lesbian. Therefore, it’s most accurate for me to say that I’m attracted to women and just leave it at that.

Q5. What am I supposed to call you now? Are you changing your name? A5. I still go by Rich. If I’m in a very public place (like when placing an order at Starbucks for example) and I’m identifying/presenting as a woman and don’t want to get clocked as transgender, then I use the name Christina.

The only big change is that I don’t go by gendered pronouns (he/him or she/her). Like most non-binary people, I go by the gender neutral they/them. For example, a friend of mine wouldn’t say, “That’s my friend, Rich. He is an English teacher.” Instead, that friend would say, “This is my friend, Rich. They are an English teacher.” You might notice that I changed the gender preference on Facebook to reflect this (i.e. “Rich has changed their profile picture”).

Also, in general, I do not appreciate being addressed with terms/phrases like “Hey man” or “What’s up, dude?” I understand that most of the time when people use “man” or “dude,” they don’t mean it in a gendered way, but it still really aggravates my dysphoria to be called “dude,” even if I’m identifying/presenting as more masculine.

I also understand and can respect that having to think about my pronouns like this may seem strange and/or difficult to remember, but all I ask is that you try your best and definitely don’t misgender me on purpose.

Q6. Are you going to have “the surgery”/a sex change? A6. Just for the record, the term “sex change” isn’t used any more; the medical term is gender reassignment surgery (or GRS). But no, I am not. I do not plan on undergoing any kind of surgery to change my sex nor do I plan on taking hormones. My wardrobe and gender pronouns are enough to qualm any dysphoria.

I know that this is a lot to take in, both literally in the sense that it was almost 2,000 words long and uses terms you might never have heard of before, but also that it might be emotionally difficult, so thank you if you’ve made it this far into this letter. All I can say is that I wanted to come out to you because I love you and because I care about our relationship. I don’t want to be ashamed or hide who I am from you any more. Take as much time as you need to process this and again, please, if you have any more questions or concerns, talk to me. You can call me, text me, or write me a letter of your own, whatever makes you most comfortable.

Much thanks and even more love, Rich

[phoenixyfriend]

Trans Headcanons for Team Voltron

A few people expressed interest, so here we go! I was mostly musing on some plot ideas for a fic, and then realized that I just... really like the fact that I have enough trans headcanons to actually be able to play around with who feels which way about the concept of gender, body dysphoria, and presentation, since IRL not all trans people have the same approach to these things. Most of this is from a conversation with @firebirdeternal​, my usual beta.

Some things to keep in mind: I am not trans, I just like diverse headcanons. @firebirdeternal​ is nb. I don’t always headcanon a character the same way from one universe to the next. I will almost always headcanon Pidge, Hunk, and Coran as trans. The others more just... happen as I write. Sometimes they are, sometimes they aren’t, depending on which fic it is and what my brain decided was a good idea.

Anyway, I’m sticking this under a Read More because Lance, Matt, and Keith all have multiple paragraphs for their sections and the post got... long.

Hunk is uncomfortable with sexual situations and anything below the belt, but strangely ambivalent about his chest. He’s fine going around without binder so long as he’s wearing a shirt, but super unwilling to do anything involving taking off his pants unless he’s either completely alone or in a medical situation where the medical professional in question doesn’t say cissexist things or try to talk about his genitalia for no reason. On HRT by the time he’s at the Garrison and looking into surgical options to figure out what he’s most comfortable with, but hasn’t actually gotten any yet.

Pidge doesn't super mind being mistaken for a boy, and frequently wears boyish clothes, but there's a lot of gender euphoria for her in stuff like sundresses and long hair. She likes being a girl, but isn’t super bothered by people thinking she’s a dude so long as it really is just a mistake (or her being undercover), and they correct themselves afterwards. She’s also interested in transitioning hormonally and with surgery, and was on puberty blockers before Voltron happened. (Altean medical technology means a safe and nearly painless vaginoplasty, breast prostheses, etc.  and Pidge has no hangups at that point.)

Coran transitioned literally centuries ago and is comfortable in his own body, but only due to the fact that Altean surgeries meant he could definitely get the body he WANTED when he wanted it. He had some fairly strong dysphoria before that. He’s pretty solidly a dude though, and hasn’t had the kind of internal debates that Pidge and Lance get since he was very, very young.

Lance's relationship with gender is kind of tenuous. He settled on identifying as a dude a few years ago, but actually likes his vagina and wants a pregnancy at some point (because Lance loves the idea of having kids and is down with being the one to carry them), and has admitted to considering identifying as nb because he still sometimes likes the IDEA of dressing up and being viewed as a woman for a night? He’s a dude. He identifies as a boy/man (he’s at the age where either word works and it doesn’t really matter), but. You know. He’s got some interests that people would consider feminine and he still sometimes looks at women and goes “Huh, I wouldn’t mind looking like that for a day”

firebirdeternal See, I've kind of headcanoned Lance as being very fluid except for one thing, he really doesn't like chest based intimacy with himself. Like that's the one thing that does actually bother him, and it isn't a rational thing for him.

Lance's gender is a complicated thing that he's mostly just given up on trying to untangle. He tells people he's a dude and stays fairly solid on that unless he super trusts someone, because a lot of people have tried to dictate his gender FOR him when he explains the details. He doesn’t actually think it’s that big of a deal? Hell, even when he considers “would it make more sense to identify as genderfluid or bigender or something,” it’s usually with about the same level of seriousness as picking out which color boxers he wants to put on after a shower, or what flavor his Frappuccino of the day is going to be, because he’s comfortable in his own skin at this point and as far as he’s concerned, that’s all that matters?

It’s just that other people keep trying to tell him that it’s a big deal and that is Very Tiring.

firebirdeternal I like that a lot. Sticking to the label you know people will at least SEE rather than get into the complexities of how you really feel, at least with people you don't trust yet.

Since I mentioned it for the others: he got top surgery but isn’t interested in anything else.

Relevant:  I know a trans guy who occasionally dresses in drag (mostly 1700s dresses because he's a history nerd, or...well, some old thing like that), and I like to think that Lance, even as a trans dude, would probably still dress in drag sometimes, because clothing isn't inherently gendered (fuck you, Victorians) and also GLITTER IS FUN AND SO IS DANCING and anyway, Lance would definitely still be down for crossplay and RuPaul’s Drag Race levels of Extra and wearing dresses even when he’s firmly sure that he’s a dude because it’s just a pretty outfit.

Keith's dysphoria kind of... oscillates? I don't headcanon him as trans often, but when I do I usually headcanon him as an "out of sight, out of mind" person. If he's wearing a binder and pants, then he doesn't have to think about it. If he isn't, then it's really a flip of the coin.

firebirdeternalyeah, he seems very much like: The less he has to think about it the happier he is. I can honestly see a scene where Keith has a mild breakdown because he has to get a new binder and it gives him Bad Sensory Issues because of something different about the fabric.

(NOTE: Both firebirdeternal and I headcanon Keith as autistic, since...well. There’s evidence for it in canon, and we like to project.)

This affects his approach to sex. If he's having a high dysphoria day, then he doesn't really want to be on the receiving end of anything? He's perfectly happy pleasuring his partner most of the time, but not... actually touching himself or being touched Like That. On the other hand, sometimes the dysphoria is barely there and anything goes. Definitely interested in HRT but not super comfortable with the idea of any kind of surgery, even with Altean medical tech.

firebirdeternal Yeah, up and down days, basically. I just... I love the trans Coran headcanon so much, especially when paired with any number of trans paladin ones, because I can just see him being such a good Space Dad to the kids. Like, even with the differences in Culture he'd be So There for them.

I only recently started playing around with trans Matt headcanons, and I think he's kind of similar to Pidge in that he's mostly about the gender EUphoria, and he got top surgery before Kerberos and doesn't really care about below the belt. I think the best way to put it for Matt is that he's trans but ranks that fact lower on his list of Important Identities than the others (save for Lance) do.

firebirdeternal He likes feeling like a Cool Guy Anime Protagonist honestly.

He's trans, and open about it, but it's not a thing he really thinks warrants much attention or discussion or even self-reflection? He'd rather play video games and gush over his little sister's coding.

EXCEPT FOR THE PUNS.

Matt is all about the queer jokes.

firebirdeternal Oh god he loves them. HC that Matt came out of the closet at like 12 with a joke because the opening his mom gave him was TOO GOOD to be ignored, and after a split second his mom and dad were just giggling up a storm and hugging him. Pidge too.

Colleen already had suspicions but her first reaction was a snort and a facepalm. "So THAT'S how you've chosen to come out."

firebirdeternal All this followed by GRATUITOUS AMOUNTS OF REASSURANCE. Pidge is like "Matt come out again, mom baked brownies for like three weeks the last time you did"

"I already told her I was bi and trans, there's nothing LEFT." 

(I've also played around with Matt being intersex but I'm not comfortable delving much deeper into that, especially on a public platform, until I've done some more research on intersex representation and common issues so I know I’m not doing anything offensive with the headcanon.)