#i worked like 10am-3pm today so you know i like

[sanzodaily]

day 5 | you will not catch me dead making a coffee shop au but maid cafe au is the closest you'll get (bonus under cut)

thank you nami very cool.

[moonlight-records]

Opposites attract | MV1

pairing: max verstappen x technical theater!y/n (they/them)

summary: you visit max after a long tech weekend, which is in time for the miami gp

warnings: fluff, google translated dutch (so sorry), me geeking out about my profession, maybe accidental OOC??, suggestive

a/n: reader is AFAB gender neutral! request open! sorry in advance cause there's no proofreading, im dying like a man. also first time writing don’t kill me ❤️

wc: 1.3K

Tech was the best and worst time of the year. The best time since the actors, director, crew, and creative all come together to finally put the show together. The best time because the show is officially handed over to the stage manager. It was also the worst time because of such long hours, lots of hold, and the stage manager’s sanity is holding on by a thread.

The first day wasn’t so bad. You arrived at the theater at 8am. You found your table and laid everything out. Your ASM and PA, your life line and team members, made sure everything else was set up. The other technicians arrived at 9am as they stated on the schedule and finally actors arrived at 10am. You had everyone in a circle introducing themselves to the new group: name, pronouns, role, fun fact. Then the director stated you guys would be going from top of the show and this was your time and your rehearsal. It was long but quick.

The second and third day were killer though. It was painfully slow as techs were. You spend most of your day here. Stage managers were the first ones in and last ones out and this tech was a 10 out of 12 (breaks for lunch, obviously, but you spend literally 12 hours in a dark theater just stopping and going while they add lights, sound, props, costumes, etc.) What’s worse is because you’re running the show you have to stay on top of everything, unless an emergency of course.

That includes not being able to really talk to your boyfriend.

You and Max were very keen on communicating and checking in since both your jobs were so demanding. Sometimes you guys could talk for hours while others it was a simple ‘hi dear, hope you have a good day’ ‘hi schatje, hope you’re sleeping well’ but when you were in tech it was a miracle if you sent a good morning text to inform him you were alive.

It’s around one am when you arrive back to the housing provided by the theater. By the time you get ready for bed it’s one thirty. You’re exhausted and your body is so desperately craving the sleep it’s been lacking but you will yourself to check your phone.

10 am:

Good morning, schatje ❤️. I hope you have a good day at tech today.

12pm:

Make sure you eat something today, please. I know how busy things can get sometimes. I’ll send you money to eat. I cannot believe the theater isn’t providing food for you or the crew. I can call them and give them a piece of my mind.

3pm:

Why did tech have to land on this weekend? It’s different with you not here. Are you watching at least?

…you know I can pay for you. You don’t have to work if you don’t want.

5pm:

Practice was okay. The random rain shower made things interesting for sure. Not my best time but I managed.

I miss you.

10pm:

I love you Schatje. I’m going to head to bed. Wish you were here with me. ❤️

Your heart pulls reading the messages. You quickly type out a few replies to Max:

Hi darling, I’m okay Yes, I made sure I ate today. No you don’t have to call the theater. It’s fine.

That’s called a sugar baby, darling. Not that I wouldn’t mind… I miss you too. I wish tech was over already so we could talk more :(

Well that’s Florida for you. But I’m sorry. I bet you still did amazing. I love you too. I’ll talk to you soon love, sleep well ❤️

You put your phone down after and let yourself drift off to sleep.

—————————————

“Alright Jonathan, I’ll talk to you later…bye now.”

Pocketing your phone when the conversation ends, you shuffle around your room as you get dressed. You’re thankful practice and qualifiers are late in the day giving you the extra sleep you need. Checking yourself out in the mirror, you do a spin. Sneakers, skirt, and one of the many fan designed Red Bull shirts you bought. This one was based off of Taylor’s Swift ‘Eras Tour’ but instead had pictures of your boyfriend and said ‘Verstappen’ instead. Grabbing your sunglasses, bag, and paddock pass you triple checked everything before heading off on your adventure.

Arriving to the paddock you easily scan in and navigate your way through. You keep your head down eyes glued to your phone and nobody really bats an eye to you. Thank god. You didn’t want the surprise to be ruined. Your eyes scan before you find the Red Bull garage. You slow your steps as you scan the garage not spying your boyfriend. A frown pulls to your lips as you step in, sunglasses being pushed to rest on the top of your head as you find Christian.

“Christian,” you call out with a smile as the principal turns. You make your way over and give him a quick hug.

“Oh Y/N,” Christian says and you see relief wash over him, “thank god you’re here. Max has been a fucking terror so far.” The remark makes you laugh, “I’m serious! He’s been extra grumpy since we arrived. I had to threaten to ban you from the garage to get him to tone it down. Handle him. Please.”

“I will when I find out exactly where he is.”

“Driver’s room.”

“Thank you. Promise he’ll be ready for tomorrow.”

“He better!” You hear Christian call out as you leave the garage. It does not take you long to find Max’s room and you know on the door.

You hear some shuffling and swearing in Dutch before the door swings open. You’re met with a “what?” and a scowl which causes you to smile brightly. “Fancy seeing you here,” you tease and watch Max’s scowl fall as it takes him a moment to process before you’re yanked forward.

You crash into his chest and laughs. Wrapping your arms around his neck, you bury your face in the crook of his neck as he hugs you tightly. He pulls away as he cups your face.

“I—schatje! What are you here? I thought you were working all weekend?”

“Between rehearsal and tech, we reached 42 hours. Jonathan said it wasn’t worth calling equity up to try and get overtime. So, he gave us the weekend off,” you beam and burst into laughter as he smothers your face in kisses, smiling widely.

“I’ve heard you’ve been very grumpy these past few days,” you remark through giggles.

“I have,” he replies bluntly, “you’ve been so busy and this Grand Prix has been testing my patience,” it’s his turn to bury his face in the crook of your neck. Your eyes flutter close and you let a breathy sigh escape feeling his lips leave feathery kisses along your neck.

“Max..”

“Missed you,” Max mumbled through kisses as he works his way up your neck to your jaw, “missed my good luck charm on my arm,” he kisses along your jaw, “missed having you wait for me in my driver’s room,” he makes his way up to your bottom lip and nips, “we have so much catching up to do..”

Turning your head away, giggling, “you have practice and qualifiers to get through first, mister,” You say earning a very small pout from the Dutchman, “how about, you place top five for qualifiers and I’ll spend the night at your hotel.” You let a finger gently trail long his jaw, down his neck, and to his chest before he drops.

Max follows your finger eyes darkening as he sticks his tongue out slightly to lick his bottom lip. Looking back up at you, “and if I get pole?”

Smiling innocently, you bat your lashes, “why do you think I wore a skirt?” A voice rings out for Max. Max groans as he squeezes you. He leans down to kiss your cheek before murmuring in your ear, “I expect you back here after qualifiers, bent over, skirt up for me.”

A shiver runs down your spine. He smirks and you want to wipe that smirk off his face. The voice is closer and you quick Max a quick peck with a grin, “good luck, sweetheart.” You purr softly and turn out of his grasp and disappear to the motorhome to enjoy the last few hours of your ability to walk.

[funnyjb]

Practice day

The morning started like every other morning. You wrapped in your husband’s arms. It was mid October in Cincinnati. The team is having practice today from 10am-3pm. You have a doctor’s appointment today to check up on baby burrow #3. You guys don’t know the gender until another 2 weeks! Joe and you couldn’t be more excited!

Since you have an appointment and your parents aren’t in town or Joe’s, Joey decided to take the kids to practice today. Some of the players have been taking their kids to practice because it’s take your kids to work week, and you would think it’s take your kid to work day but I guess not! Emerson and Max are like two peas in a pod. Where ever the other one goes the other always follows. So when it’s take your kids to work week at practice you know they will both be there.

“Good morning, baby.”- Joe

“Good morning, Joey.”- you

Joe kissed your forehead and got up.

“I’m going to wake the boys up.”- Joe

He then opened the door and walked down the hallway to the boys bedroom.

You decided to get up to. It was cold today so once your feet hit that floor it felt like walking on ice almost. You did your normal routine. Skincare, brush teeth, and pick out an outfit. Your outfit today consisted of a white long sleeve shirt and a black onesie paired with your sneakers. Your hair was already curled from work yesterday so you didn’t really have to do anything to it, so you decided to head downstairs and make breakfast.

Once you got downstairs Joe and the boys were already watching tv.

“Hi!”- you

You go over to the couch we’re Joe and the boys were snuggling. You kiss all of your boys good morning.

“Hi mama!”- max

“Hi Maxie!”- you

After you say good morning to them you go over to the kitchen to make breakfast.

“Here, babe, let me help you!”- Joe

He sprinted off the couch to go to you

Joe always likes to cook with you. He isn’t a very good cook so he likes to learn from you, but he also just goes to admire you and be around you.

“Okay! Can you start by getting the eggs and heating up the pan for me, please?”- you

“Of course, baby.”- Joe

————————————————————————

After breakfast it was time for the boys to head out and for you to head to the doctors.

“Okay, boys! It’s 10:30, let’s go!”- You

“Otay, mama.”- Emerson

“Thanks em. Let’s get your shoes on!”- you

You put down Emerson on the small bench at the front door to put his shoes on and bend down.

“Hey, hey, I got it babe.”- Joe

“It’s ok, Joe.”- you

“I got it y/n. Don’t want you hurting yourself.”- joe smiles

“Thank you.”- you smile back

He helps you get up and starts to tie Emerson’s shoe.

“Ok, max! You ready to play ball with daddy?!”- you

“Yessss!”- max

You laugh

“Ok, we are ready.”- Joe

“Let’s go!”- you

You all step outside and close the door behind you.

“Boys, say bye to mommy.”- joe

“Bye!”- Emerson and Max

They run up to you and give you a big hug.

“Bye baby’s! I love you and I will see you soon!”- you give them a kiss

Soon after they run off to Joes car. Joe then comes up to you with a big smile.

“I love you, have fun with them.”- you smile

“I love you too, and good luck today. I can’t wait to hear all about you and the baby.”- Joe

“I will let you know! And good luck today at practice 9!”- you

“Thanks, baby.”- Joe

He kisses you, then looks into your eyes, then kisses you again. You start laughing.

“Joe- you got- to go.”- you laugh

“One more!”- Joe

He kisses you one last time and then is off to his car and drives out.

————————————————————————-

“Good hustle, good hustle.”- Zach

The team was running some practice runs and warm up’s before some of them got to be with their children.

The boys were sitting on the bench with some other kids and bengals staff looking after them.

“Ok, you guys may go be with your kids. Have fun!”- Zach

Joe the comes running up to the boys.

“Hey guys!”- joe

“Daddy!”- Emerson and Max

They give Joe a big hug.

Joe then takes a big sip of water and gets a towel to wipe some sweat off.

“Ready to play some ball?”- Joe

“Yeah!”- Emerson and Max

The boys run off to an open patch on the practice field with Joe walking behind watching. Joe felt so happy knowing his boys are having fun.

After Joe made the boys do some easy stretches they got to work.

“Set, Hut!”- Joe

Max took off as Emerson was defending.

Joe threw the ball not to far so the boys could get it. Max caught the ball! He ran to the end of the cone which meant the end zone.

“Yeah max!” - Joe

He ran over to max to give him a hug.

“I’m so proud of you, Maxie!”- Joe

“Thanks dada!”- Max

Joe then noticed Emerson looking a little down. He got up and went over to his boy.

“Hey buddy, what’s wrong?- Joe

He bent down to his level

“I really wanted to get da ball!”- Emerson said angry

“I know bud, I’m sorry. How about you play receiver this time and max plays defense? Does that sound ok?”- Joe

“Yess!”- Emerson

“Good! You did great out there too! I’m so proud of you!”- Joe

“Thanks dada!”- Emerson

Emerson then took off to get in formation.

The boys had so much fun! They played for an hour until you came to see them!

You stepped onto the practice fields to see the boys play with Joe. You saw them in a corner playing with some cameras and bengals staff and players watching. You wondered if Joe cared that there were cameras but if he was with his kids he doesn’t care about anything. He only cares about his kids.

As you got closer you noticed Sam.

“Hey, sam!”- you

“Hey, y/n! Joe are you?”- Sam

He gives you a side hug

“I’m good! Just here to watch the boys!”- you

“They are having fun out there, I could tell Joe is excited to have them.”- Sam

“Yeah, he couldn’t wait to bring them.”- you

After talking to Sam for a bit a voice Interrupted you.

“MOMMY!” - Emerson

He came up running to hug you. You picked him up and gave him a kiss.

“Hey, buddy! Are you having fun?”- you

“Yesss!”- Emerson

“Good.”- you smile

“MAMA”- Max

He comes up and hugs your leg. You give him a kiss on the head.

“Hey, max! Are you also having fun with daddy?”- you

“Yess! He said to tell you that you look very pretty today.”- Max

Before you could say anything Joe came walking up to you.

“He’s not wrong!”- joe smirks

You laugh

“Thank you, baby.”- you

You give him a hug and he takes Emerson off your arms and puts him down.

“Having fun?”- you

“Lots!”- Joe

“Good.”- you

“Hey, how was the appointment?”- Joe

“It was good.”- you

Joe noticed a change in your demeanor.

“What’s wrong?”- Joe

“Nothing. We will talk about it later. I don’t want to talk about it here.”- you

“Oh, ok, but are you ok?”- Joe

“Yeah..I’m good.”- you give a small smile

“Ok, how about we head out I think they are getting tired”- Joe

“Ok.”- you

You say your goodbyes to the team and head out with your boys.

————————————————————————

(At home)

“The boys are asleep.”- you

You came over to Joe in the kitchen.

“Good.”- Joe

There was a moment of silence. You could tell Joe wanted to say something.

“So, do you think we can talk about what made you lose that beautiful smile of yours when I asked you about the appointment earlier?”- Joe

“Uh, sure..”- you

“So, what’s wrong?”- Joe

“The doctors just said that I just have to be careful and I might have to go on bed rest a little earlier. I was just worried, but everything is ok.”- You

“Oh, but why a little earlier?”- Joe

“Remember when I had the surgery right after the twins?”- you

“Yeah.”- Joe

“Well, they said that it could cause some problems if I get pregnant again so they told be to me careful.”- you

“Oh, ok, but whatever happens I’m here. And I will make sure that everything will be ok.”- joe

He pulls you in for a hug.

“I love you and our baby.”- Joe

“Well baby girl and I love you too.”- you smile

“Wait…it’s a girl? We are having a girl?!”- Joe

“Yeah, We are having a girl.”- you

He picks you up and spins you around.

“I know we wanted to wait but they told me today when they were explaining stuff to me.”- you

“Oh my god, y/n! We are having a girl.”- joe

You nod your head.

He pulls you in for another hug.

“I can’t wait for her to come to practice.”- Joe

“I can’t wait either.”- you smile

You the pull Joe in for a kiss

————————————————————————-

Request idea: @elly-grace

Thx for the idea!🩷

[aching-tummies]

Sugarless Saga: Liquified Jello

Finally got around to trying more of the sugar-free gummies. I managed to eat 15 of them this time.

I ate the gummies around 7AM on an empty stomach. I didn't have my water-bottle with me so all that wound up in my stomach was just the gummies. I was a little disappointed as there wasn't much activity or noises or anything. Eventually, around 2PM I decided to give up and made myself a bowl of instant noodles for my first meal/late lunch. After being disappointed by what I thought was the gummies failing to work, I decided that maybe a little dairy was in order to see if I could upset my tummy that way. I made myself hot chocolate with copious amounts of milk (usually I only put a splash of milk in the drink for fear of a tummy ache).

I guess the gummies need something else in the belly for them to work their magic. By 3PM, my stomach was gurgling up a storm. Like…you know that sensation when you suck jello/jelly through clenched teeth and the stuff sleuces through between your teeth as a liquified, viscous sludge? The sensation of sludge passing through the gaps between teeth--that's the same sensation I felt rumbling around in my guts. Burbles and rumbles from all over my belly.

I was shocked, It had been over 7 hours since I had downed the gummies and there they were. They just needed something else to kick around in my guts. So I guess for future reference, downing the gummies with food or at the very least with water is the way to go--by themselves they don't do much.

Even at 2AM--19 hours since I had eaten the gummies, my belly was still making those "liquifying jello" rumbles. I could feel the sensation throughout my guts and intestines too--like if Flubber was struggling, refusing to be digested and wreaking havoc throughout my guts. It wasn't a stomach ache, but my guts felt unsettled all day--there were the jello-sensations but also just a constant tensing of my guts like they were getting ready for a #2 that never happened.

I'm writing this around 10AM of the next day, 27 hours since I ate 15 sugar-free gummies. The gurgles have stopped and my gut is relatively calm now, but I still feel a slight "sludge" sensation in my intestines. It's not moving around, but it kind of feels like some sludge is clogging up my digestive tract. Maybe I'll feel something if/when I eat today.

As always, feel free to respond to this post in an ask/RP-scenario or whatever.

[frogofalltime]

day 4

last night i didn't get to sleep until past 2am because my headache was so bad and my eyes hurt and i just felt overall weird. i also had a nightmare. as a result i felt pretty awful and not well rested at all when i woke up.

this morning i had to go to a doctors appointment at 11:45 so my alarm was at 10am. i procrastinated for half an hour, then got up and ate breakfast and took my meds and got ready to leave the house

i got into a conversation about the word "normal" with my boyfriend which i normally (pun not intended) would've found interesting but today it made me slightly irritated (not your fault at all robin, i was just tired and stressed). anyway it got resolved quickly so there wasn't a problem, i just don't like how small things make me disproportionately annoyed when i'm tired

i was 2 minutes late for my doctors appointment but it was fine ! i'm getting a lot braver with going to the doctors by myself, i used to need robin or lucy to go with me every time, but now i am able to go alone.

then i went to the students union to buy some grains and seeds to feed the pigeons and my mother called me so i talked to her for a while. she was asking me about the doctors appointment and my adhd meds and stuff. it feels rude but i wished she didn't call me because i was overstimulated and wanted to go outside and see the birds.

after that an old lady asked me how the clothes swap at the students union works and i wanted to be kind so i helped her out with that and also bumped into my friend while i was there

i eventually got away from all the Humans so i went to the park and fed our flock of pigeons which was extremely fun like always. they kept pecking my fingers even when the food ran out because they were so hungry. and they are trusting me more and more every week, they let me pick them up and cuddle them now !

i thought i had a therapy appointment at 2pm so i rushed home but actually it was at 3pm so i had an extra hour to eat lunch and stuff (which is good because i was very hungry)

therapy was good but i felt very drained afterwards and did nothing for almost two hours. i just scrolled on my phone and felt bored.

i asked robin for advice because i was hungry again and it recommended me to cook a proper meal instead of trying to study while eating snacks and procrastinating dinner until 10pm which is what i've been doing lately. @etherealspacejelly you know me so well lmao

my flatmate was in the kitchen when i went to put my food in the oven. she was cooking a dish that has fish in it and the smell was really overpowering and horrible. i felt suddenly very overstimulated so after setting a timer for my food i went back to my room and turned off the light and did my prayers in the dark

then i went and collected my food and ate it while watching percy jackson which was Very fun ! i think i was a bit distracted but i mostly paid attention and went very insane about it (special interest go brrrr)

i considered doing some revision for my exams but it was already like 8pm and i was exhausted so i talked to robin for a while and then washed my dishes, took a shower, and got into bed.

overall i had an okay day, i did not study at all but i was really sleepy, irritable, and low on energy from both the doctors appointment and therapy, so i think it was justified

the headache has not been so bad today, and i'm still feeling thirsty but not as much, i guess i'm getting used to it

also i have been hungrier than usual, which is strange because they said Reduced hunger is a normal side effect, not Increased ?? but maybe it's because i suck at interoception usually, and the meds are making me better at interpreting my body's needs so i am more able to understand my hunger cues ? idk

i am extremely tired since i struggled to get to sleep the last few nights, so i'm hoping i will get more sleep tonight and feel more refreshed in the morning. goodnight :)

[vikygoestheextramile]

I had a slip up.

Well, I don't know that this is exactly the term for it, but I had successfully been using a daily routine to keep my efforts on track for about two weeks. So, last Thursday my routine was disrupted, as it was a sort of holiday here in Greece, the point of which is "Eat all the meat in sight before the 40day lent starts!". Of course, almost no one is doing lent for 40 days after it, but almost everyone consumes meat like it's the last time they get to. 😅 More of an eating tradition than a holiday at this point, and boy, do we get many of those in Greece!

Despite everything, I didn't overeat that day, I think everything was under control, but we did spend the night at my family home, with my partner. And guess what? You can't really perform your daily routine if you're not in your space! So I couldn't do my morning yoga, which I had been doing for 15 days straight. I thought, well, it doesn't matter, and I grabbed the opportunity to go on a hike, on a nearby mountain. It was about a 3 hour walk, and I absolutely loved every moment of it.

So after all this, I thought eating just a bit more yesterday, was okay, missing morning yoga, missing the gym that day, was okay.

But this little slip up gave me an opportunity to stretch the imperfect day, to a couple of days, and then to 3 or 4!

My partner, right now he seems to be even more prone to junk food than I am, so it makes it a bit harder for me to resist, when he doesn't, or when he invites it in. But, luckily, this only lasted 4 or 5 days. We both felt that we didn't need to be in that mental space that consuming junk food was creating for us, even if you exclude the reaction of the body completely.

But, unfortunately for my routine, on Monday I started an acting seminar. It's going great, and I'm really excited about it, BUT in terms of holding on to the routine, it's not helping, as it involves a commitment of 5 hours a day, 10am to 3pm, Monday through Friday, plus the extra work we need to put in at home, which is A LOT.

When I expressed my concerns to my therapist, about losing my routine when I start the 3-week seminar, she told me that I should focus on holding on to one or two components of my routine, and not try to do the whole thing, or, on the flipside, just completely cut it out until the course is finished.

So, these two elements combined led to me losing progress, as I gained 0,8kg, but most importantly, I lost control of my day-to-day, for the entirety of this past week. I just went through the motions, nothing more.

Today, a Saturday with no class, and, as I've been trying to get back on the horse, before it bolts into the woods and I can never find it again, I made a move.

I got up, I made my bed, I put my workout clothes on, and I rolled out the mat. And I went on youtube and I did the next practice of the 30-day Yoga Journey I'm taking, which is the one below. "Reset". And sweet Adriene, the instructor, said at the start of the video: "Today we take the opportunity to celebrate that we're halfway through the journey", which on its own made me smile, as I felt a sense of achievement for actually having done the first two weeks of the journey, even if they were before the slip-up, it was all the more reason to remember that this, all of it, it's something that I can do, but she went on to say "and we also take the opportunity to hit the reset button", and I teared up. I was resetting on my own anyway, and not exactly by choice, but I felt not alone, I felt like she was giving me an opportunity for a fresh start, although it doesn't need to be that, it only needs to be an invitation to continue where we left off, and that it was, as my body was fully able to answer the call. Nothing was gone, and it was all there.

So, I guess, onwards (and upwards) we go!

Home - Day 15 - Reset | 30 Days of Yoga

[mylifeasaserver]

My day as it happened: Saturday Host

10AM: Show up at the restaurant, since both hostesses have quit they had nobody for either shift. There’s nobody here but servers, which suits me just fine. The rotation is already set up for me, and Manager Lite doesn’t work day shift. Glorious.

11AM: There’s a decent little rush happening. I have not been bitched at by a single server, though the GM asks me why I refused to clear tables on Monday. Because it was dead and servers can handle their shit when they have no tables. I tell her if it’s legitimately busy I’ll help them out, but as I’m not being paid any extra to do their job for them, if it’s slow they can just do it themselves. She wisely decides that her best course of action is to go away.

12PM: Discover that 6-top from Monday left a scathing review on a website feedback thing. Summed up: “Slow as fuck in the restaurant, cook screaming for somebody to get our food, yet our waitress couldn’t be bothered.” They do not mention their witty host. It’s actually pretty busy, so I clear some tables. I’m not supposed to use bus tubs for reasons beyond my comprehension but I do it anyway because fuck stupid rules.

1PM: The rush is over already, servers begin asking to be cut. Sorry can’t help you there. The angry cook arrives. He’s drinking what I can only assume to be his 7th energy drink of the day. He asks me if I’m serving tonight. I am not. “Fuck,” he says. 

2PM: GM has given me the list of cuts and tells me “to use my discretion” when making those cuts. Given that the restaurant is empty, I cut the entire list save for 3 servers (out of 11.) Servers are happy with me. A couple ask me to sign their side work off, but I decline. “Why not? You know the side work!” Because I’m a host today. The amazing disappearing dishwasher comes in.

3PM: Manager Lite arrives. I get a dirty look as she passes the podium. I cut another day shift server. The 2 remaining day shift servers are on a double, so they stay. Seat 2 tables. Manager Lite runs back to the podium to ask me why I skipped her in rotation. I didn’t. Manager Lite doesn’t like me very much. She’s heard I cleared tables for days when they got busy and now expects the same treatment tonight. Life is just full of disappointments.

4PM: The drama queen has arrived, having a heated conversation on her phone as she passes the podium. Something about “beating some ass” as though she wouldn’t start crying 11 seconds into a fight. Another table comes in and Manager Lite is sat. She runs back to the podium to ask why I sat her those people. Because you’re next in rotation, not my fault or problem that they’re clearly not tippers. Meanwhile the day time cooks leave and the shift supervisor arrives - already a few drinks deep. The amazing disappearing dishwasher leaves “to get something from his car.”

5PM: I seat 4 tables totaling 9 people - 1 each for the remaining day shift servers, 1 for Manager Lite, and 1 for the drama queen. Rotation! The drama queen never greets her table. When the guests come up to ask if they’re getting service, I move them to a day shift server’s section. I do not update rotation. 

5:25PM: The drama queen comes to question me on why she hasn’t been sat yet. My answer of “I did, but you never greeted them so now they’re [server’s] table.” sends her careening to the office. I seat another 2 tables, both in the day shifters sections. Manager Lite demands the next table. Since she’s next in rotation I just roll my eyes. 

5:30PM: An obviously drunk shift supervisor visits me to ask why I skipped the drama queen. Once I tell her that I sat her already but she couldn’t be bothered to greet them so I moved them to another section, she mumbles off to return to the office. 

5:40PM: The drama queen, looking like the younger sibling that just got the older one in trouble, comes up to ask me when she’s being sat next. I tell her where rotation is at.

6PM: 2 tables come in together. I seat Manager Lite and the drama queen. Both are now angry with me because they were sat after they ordered food. Good. Be mad.

6:30PM: The restaurant has scant few tables, so I cut the day shift people. Moments after I cut them, Manager Lite comes to the podium to tell me to cut the day shift people, quote, “So I can make some money.” She has yet to realize she works in the wrong restaurant for that.

7PM: The day shift servers are gone. 2 more tables come in and the drama queen tells me to let her know when she’s been sat so she can make some calls. I will not. I seat both servers.

7:15PM: The table I just sat walks out, never having been greeted or acknowledged. Because I’m a remorseless asshole, I decide to just stop seating the drama queen until she emerges from her makeshift lair in the break area. Tables come in at a manageable pace that even the most green of servers could handle alone with minimal help.

8:25PM: Manager Lite has 5 tables. Benevolently, I decide to run food. Hell, I even cleared a few tables. Not because it was particularly busy, but because I knew when the drama queen finds out that I didn’t go get her like she told me to she would lose her mind. If I help Manager Lite, she won’t go looking for the drama queen.

8:45PM: I seat 2 more tables. I have not seen the drama queen yet. Given that the other tables have paid and are slowly filtering out, I stop clearing and resetting. Manager Lite looks at the podium where I’m standing, decides it isn’t worth it, and goes back to her tables.

8:55PM: The drama queen finally emerges into the dining room to discover that several tables were sat, ate, and left without her being notified. She clocks out and leaves, not having a single table all shift long. She gives me the finger on the way out, crying the entire way. I smile and wave at her like the guy at the end of a Family Guy episode. I feel zero guilt.

9PM: Manager Lite decides that it is worth going to the podium to bother me after all. I’m then ordered to not only clean the dining room for her but also to help with side work and roll silverware. I decide that my shift is over. Had she asked like I was an equal (which I am) I might have helped because I know it sucks getting left like this...but she likes barking orders.

9:02PM: At the time clock I hear Manager Lite bitching at the cook, demanding he puts off doing his work to come around and do hers first. First he laughs at her and then tells her in no uncertain terms to fuck off. I clock out. 

As I leave I see the amazing disappearing dishwasher in his car, parked next to me. He’s asleep. I do not wake him. 

No idea if anybody came in after that since I ran out of there like my ass was on fire. 

I’m thinking my time here is nearly at an end. Complete and total shit show. -J

[noctusnocturnal]

Forgive me because I'm about to get very vulnerable for a moment.

I feel so dreadfully lonely and I know I'm being selfish. So selfish. The other day it snowed here in southeast Texas. (bare with me, it's context) All through the night. It was beautiful. The next day the sun, a little warmer, shone so beautifully over the snow leaving trails of bright blue shadows in all the nooks and crannies and slowly but surely the snow all melted away. Today only half melted dirty snowmen remained. My fiance got sick. He was sick all yesterday and the day before. On top of that, he's been absolutely miserable at work. The gm at our job makes the schedules and his are all over the place. It goes from 10am-8pm to 3pm-midnight and back and forth. He's already a chronic insomniac so needless to say he's exhausted and therefore he needs all the sleep he can get. I'm selfish because I feel lonely. I want him to be awake and to hold me and tell me he'll never leave and I want to cry into his chest and for him to reassure me. It's 2:50am right now and he's tossing and turning trying so hard to fall asleep and I feel so guilty for only thinking about myself but every night I get in my head that everyone hates me especially him and that nobody especially him wants me around. He has to wake up at 9am and I already know he's probably gonna be struggling to sleep for at least another hour. The last couple nights I've had this horrible impulsive thought that sometimes he masturbates next to me super quietly so that I can't hear or notice and he thinks of someone other than me. Someone who doesn't talk too much. Someone who cleans the house and cleans up after the pets and does the dishes. He can't be touched when he's struggling to sleep like this. He gets extremely sensitive to any touch. Feels every single speck on the sheets. Invisible bugs crawling on his skin. He catches himself falling asleep sometimes and has to start the whole process over. I want more than anything to be able to fall asleep in his arms. To feel him breathe on my neck with his arms around me as he sleeps, but he can't. I adore him. I get scared sometimes that he doesn't love me, but I can tell that he does. I just want to lay here and hold him and talk to him for hours. He's been storming out of the bedroom and coming back a minute or two later. I can tell he's so frustrated. But I'm so fucking miserable right now and I feel so alone and paranoid. I need him right now. I'm crying and I'm trying so hard to be quiet. No sniffles. No noise. No shaking. I want him so badly to be able to sleep. I'm so sick of getting like this every night that he doesn't give me all of his attention. He's human and he's sick and exhausted and frustrated with himself and I refuse to be the reason he can't sleep but fuck man. It's just been getting worse. I'm scared to talk to him about it because he'll ask me if I think I should start taking my meds again. It's been a year since I've taken them and I was doing good for so long but the depression and the paranoia keeps clawing its way back every time things don't go entirely how I want them to. I have such a selfish fucking disorder. I don't want to take my meds. I've gone so long and was doing so well without them. I don't want to rely on them. I promised him that if I thought I should start taking them, I'd tell him and he'd help get me on them asap. I don't want to tell him. I want to get better on my own. He's got so much on his plate right now. I refuse to be a problem. God, I'm sorry I let this get so long. Rip to anyone who reads this far. I'm just rambling at this point. I'm always rambling. I'll go. Talk to you eventually.

[spiritual-core]

Want to know what I’ve been working on? Conveniencing myself.

I’ve been sooo enjoying this. One example is:

I write emails, and then look at them and wait. I scan through the emails to see: have I offered to inconvenience myself, without them even asking?

For example, with scheduling, I tended to say things like “I’m best available between 10am-6pm…. But if you need I can be available in the evenings or in the morning, let me know”

But truly, when is most convenient for ME?

If I truly placed my convenience first, what would I say?

If it didn’t affect anything or if there were no repercussions, what time would I REALLY want?

When I ask myself these questions. I learn that..

The most convenience for me is to talk EITHER at 11am, or 3pm or 5pm.

I don’t need to offer to inconvenience myself, especially before anyone even asks.

My more direct approach which speaks what I desire to the universe and doesn’t inconvenience myself immediately is: “I have availabilities at 11am, 3pm or 5pm.”

Honestly, that’s all I need to do!

If that doesn’t work for the other person, they will let me know.

Healing from People pleasing trick #1: unless someone has explicitly told you there is a problem, assume that there is no problem!

Even if, in the past, you had to be on watch for other people’s problems, or on hyper alert to solve things, be pleasing, or inconvenience yourself so the other person didn’t blow up or hurt you…. Now, inshallah, we are in a safer space. We are grown, and we have more control over our life than ever before. We can create safe spaces for ourselves, and choose to interact with people who want us to life positively, and who don’t want us inconvenienced ❤️❤️❤️

Moral of the story: it’s possible to experiment with asking ourselves: “how could I convenience myself even more today?”

This question even prompts me to feel lighter about doing chores or studies- because ultimately, doing the task makes my life more convenient than procrastinating too much.

And, a convenient life sounds… like there is a lot more room for magic in it ✨

[imspardagus]

Hugh

This will be personal so if you don’t like personal, look away. 

I woke today to an email from my dear friend Hugh’s partner, Karl. Karl’s purpose was to inform me that Hugh had died, peacefully, last Friday.

I envy those who can take such messages in their stride and know exactly the words to use in reply. But I doubt I will ever be among their number. My instinctive reaction is to go clinically cold and only later to find the emotions rising. But I set about writing a reply to Karl, picking my way through the minefield of platitudes and unnecessary revelations and ended up with something I hoped would pass muster.

You see I had loved, and been in love with, Hugh for something like forty years. My love for him had never been “fulfilled”, to use the precious euphemism. I’m not sure I was ever looking for that. But I had known since before I was married that I could happily have devoted my life to being his companion. Sadly I also knew that, for all his amazing kindness towards me and my family, and for all the trouble he took to seek out my company and spend time in it, I could never mean as much to him as he meant to me.

I hope that if ever Karl reads that passage he will know that it came from the heart and that never for an instant did I see myself as a rival for Hugh’s affections. Hugh’s love was for him from the start and I frankly rejoiced in knowing that Hugh had such a partner. I just wished…

Anyway, I want to tell you about Hugh. Or that part of Hugh that I knew, because, like the most beautiful gemstone, he had so much rich depth and so many facets and I was only privy to a few of them.

I first met Hugh in 1978. He was already an established lawyer at the Department of Employment where I was an unbelievably gauche rookie. If I noticed anything it was that he seemed not so much reserved as aloof, remote. His friendship group in the office was not the grey-haired, grey suited, grey-minded post-war clique that ran it nor the stereotypically brash and superficially self-confident younger male cohort (with both of whom he maintained a serviceably professional but studiously distanced relationship), but with two female lawyers, one of whom was a somewhat dippy spinster who had, presumably by length of service alone, achieved a senior management position, while the other was a no-nonsense, highly competent and very left wing divorcee (picture Barbara Flynn, who could have played her to perfection) who scared the hell out of me.

To be fair, I was scared of most things at this point, not without some reason. I had been bullied by dim-witted public school oiks during my pupillage and, as a grammar-turned-comprehensive-school-non-Oxbridge upstart, left in no doubt that I should “know my place”. Then, before I had even arrived at the Solicitor’s Office of the DoE, I had been decried as “an inky-fingered clerk” by the man who was now to be my boss, because, prior to turning to the law, I had been a civil service executive officer. I felt a total fraud, out of my depth and in the wrong place, in short.

Things did not get off to a good start with Hugh. In those days, we lawyers were supposed to take our lead from the imaginary and nostalgic version of the “gentlemen’s” profession we had more or less left behind in chambers. It was considered unseemly to arrive at work before 10am or to be at work after 5pm, and lunch, which would start at 12.30 and proceed until 2, or 3pm on Fridays (when, thankfully, the pubs shut), was likely to consist of beer, pints thereof. Hugh did not participate in any of this but he was a stickler for morning coffee and afternoon tea. He loved to gossip, a trait which never left him.

The juniors had to take turns ensuring that the Tea Club could enjoy its tea and coffee breaks (again, taking their cue from a nostalgia for chambers). One day it was my turn to make the tea and, because I had been held up with a phone call I was late. Hugh took it upon himself to take me to task, “Everybody else manages to get the tea in good time, Why can’t you?”

It stung. All the more because I felt I was there on sufferance anyway. I mumbled an excuse and left the room.

That night, as I walked up to Leicester Square to catch the train, I was aware of someone behind me trying to catch up and to speak with me. I realised that it was Hugh and that he was trying to make amends. Stupidly, I snubbed him and the last words I heard as he fell back were “Okay, if you don’t want to talk…”. Even as I pulled it off I hated myself for the lost opportunity but was also stunned that Hugh I thought I knew should make the effort. This sudden display of unsolicited human consideration just didn’t fit with the caricature that I had formed in my head of a remote and uncaring person.

I don’t know how things turned around but gradually I learned more about Hugh. Scott, a colleague, was an incorrigible sharer of gossip (when he had something salacious to impart he would talk out of the corner of his mouth as if he had done time in the nick - though it probably came from public school, much the same) and through him I learned how Hugh had had a long standing, live together, relationship with a man who had, appallingly, died of a brain tumour. I could imagine to some degree how awful that was but not how awful it really was, if you get me. I had not known at first that he was gay. Even in 1978, being homosexual, as the polite term then was, was not something you broadcast. But it helped me to understand why Hugh was distant. Also that it was a protective coat.

Over time I came to respect Hugh (his intelligence and powers of analysis were breathtaking), then to like him, and eventually to love him.

I will not pretend that he was an easy man to work with. The old adage about “not suffering fools gladly” found its exemplar in him. He had no time for laziness, pomposity, pretension or conceit. I learned from administrators that he had earned the nickname “Terse Purse” for his very concise advices.

I recall one such. A young and very self-regarding fast-streamer had sought Hugh’s advice, sending him 28 paragraphs of extremely dense and opinionated instructions, clearly expecting that his efforts would be admired. Hugh’s whole reply was as follows –

“Paragraphs 1 to 27 of your memorandum disclose no legal issues. The answer to paragraph 28 is yes.”

But he had courage too. It showed itself when, later, Hugh was seconded to be the lawyer on a Parliamentary Bill of some political importance. By then, a new breed of barrow boy had taken over the civil service asylum, thanks to Thatcher and her minders. The man chosen to head the Bill team was a known, relentlessly self-consumed and ambitious workaholic. He slept in his office and called long, pointless meetings on a whim, regardless of the time and of the situation of his team. Hugh put up for a while with unnecessary, ego-massaging meetings going on well into the evening. Then one day he snapped. As 5.30 arrived with no progress made and every indication that the meeting could go on into the small hours, Hugh gathered up his papers and rose from his seat. In the stunned silence that ensued he announced “Well I don’t know about you people, but I have a dog to feed.” And left.

After that, a more reasonable, less time-consuming work schedule took over.

But Hugh was kind. Not in a drippy, sentimental way. I never once witnessed an ounce of sentimentality issue from Hugh. He was practical and rational, always, even in his kindness, which in fact made it a lot easier to take. And I felt that kindness spread to me. Hugh helped me to find a degree of confidence; more importantly, he also pricked the acquired barrister’s sense of entitlement that I wore so uncomfortably and helped me to recognise that other people were depending on me and that doing my job to the best of my ability was precisely what they had a right to expect of me. Hugh, as my boss, which he became after a few years, never marked me above satisfactory in all our appraisals. At first, knowing how almost everyone else in the office was getting high marks and performance awards for indifferent work, I resented it and told him so. But Hugh simply said that I was just doing what I was supposed to do and that doing so did not merit recognition as “above average”. I took his point. It was unassailable.

As time went on I realised that just as the civil service was losing its integrity (to ambition and self-aggrandisement), just that quiet, unshowy integrity was what Hugh had, and had in effortless spades. And so it came to pass, inevitably, that when it came to a play-off for the top job between himself and a plodding, prematurely aged but compliant lawyer, the plodding yes-man got the backing of the cabal who ran things in Whitehall. Hugh took early retirement.

We kept in contact, meeting for lunch fairly regularly. After retiring, Hugh was bored a lot of the time, even as he found other work. He expected to be occupied but when he got work he scythed through it, knowing exactly where the kernel of the issue was. There is a story from before my time. The office was going through a lull. Hugh put up with it for a while but eventually reached breaking point. He stormed into his boss’s office and complained that he didn’t have enough work to do. His boss lowered his newspaper sufficiently to look over the top at him and drawled, wearily, “Good heavens, Hugh, aren’t there cinemas to go to? Galleries to visit?”

It was one lunchtime, when we were eating sandwiches in St James’ Park, that I found the courage to admit to Hugh that I had fallen in love with him. I should say that this realisation had come as a shock to me. I did not regard myself as either hetero- or homo-sexual. I didn’t regard myself as anything, to be honest. But I had become aware that I was drawn to Hugh in a way that I had never felt drawn to any man before. I had no idea what I wanted to do about it. I think I probably didn’t want to do anything about it.

Once again, Hugh received my news with quiet aplomb. He spoke to me with a kindness bordering on sympathy. He did not judge me, dismiss me, deride or encourage me and I was able to feel that honour had been done. We parted at the end of lunch on the same good terms but with me feeling that a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. We never spoke of it again. We did not need to.

When I married Fiona and Matthew came along, Hugh and Karl welcomed us to their home and showed us great but unforced hospitality which meant so much more because I knew how private Hugh kept his personal life. And when the marriage broke down Hugh was there again, not preaching, not judging but just providing a comforting presence that allowed me to pick up the pieces and move on.

Around that time I was “invited” to have a chat with one of the ruling elite of the Government Legal Service who were consolidating and misusing their power like Mao Zedung’s elite of Red Guards. She took it upon herself to inform me, “You are friends with Hugh Purse, I gather. You would do well to end that friendship.” That was all the confirmation I needed that my friendship with Hugh was the right thing.

When, not much later, I fell foul of the then Treasury Solicitor by declining to kowtow to her bullying and she used her power over others to punish and break me, Hugh was there again, quietly reminding me that if you do what you believe to be right then you must accept the consequences but you can also live with them.

Yes, I will never understand what Hugh saw in me or why he troubled himself with me but I will never forget his kindness and what I owe him. He became an anchor on my sanity. He enabled me to survive.

And so it is that with Hugh gone I am struggling rather to come to terms with a world which no longer has him in it. I must. He would expect nothing less. But the holes he has left behind will be some time in the fixing. He was, put simply, one of the finest people I have ever known. And I loved him and am proud to say so.

James Taylor wrote a song entitled “Fire and Rain”. I used to sing along with it when I was alone. But the last line of the chorus always came out as, “I always thought that I’d see Hugh again” and then I would think of Hugh. And I see now that I did always expect to see him again, but that now I never will.

Go in peace Hugh.

[vickikowalewski]

Day 7 - May 29, 2023: Lake Como

I take back my comments about this hostel being a party place. Surprisingly, I’ve seen quite a few families and people my age. The earplugs and eye mask worked like a charm too. I slept through everything.

Well jeez, today was a good but overall confusing day. I’ve now come to learn everything at Lake Como is pure chaos. There’s 3 bus stations and 2 train stations. The ferries, forget about it. Everyone is trying to get the hydroplane fast ferry. There’s only a a few daily and you can’t even book a round-trip ticket. Apparently, it also fills up quickly and can even be overbooked. You cannot reserve it in advance. You must stand in line in the morning you want to catch the fast ferry and hope you can get it. This may involve standing in line for an hour with no such luck, you get the slow ferry 3 hours later (as I heard happened to some people). I decided to go with the buses based on the recommendation from the hostel. But the buses are no less confusing. Bus C30 is supposed to leave from one station but there was a landslide that blocked a road over the past month, so now it’s leaving from another station. Mind you, there’s no signage anywhere about this. You just have to ask around with the locals who speak English and know to go to a different bus station a 20 minute walk away and stand in the line that looks wrong.

As you can tell, I was very turned around and missed the 9am bus so I had to wait for the 10am bus instead to Bellagio. I met a nice digital nomad couple living in Portugal on the bus that I finally got on. They were quite enjoyable to pass the hour with.

I forgot to mention the morning was hellish pure cold rain and 60 degrees. I ended up having to rework my outfit because I would have been freezing in a pair of shorts. Thankfully, luck was on my side. No rain the rest of the day with sun and warmth. Only downside was I didn’t prepare for that much sun.

Well, although the transportation is awful… Lake Como lives up to the hype. It is unbelievably gorgeous. I spent the late morning and early afternoon walking around Bellagio and visiting the Melzi Gardens. Absolutely stunning.

I then decided to catch a ferry to Varrena. That process was also a hot mess. The man at the ticket station was quite rude. There’s also a boat ticket and a ferry ticket. The boat is for pedestrians only and the ferry is for cars and people. Both stations are different in Bellagio so you have to pay attention and the preference should be the boat. Well I came to learn trying to catch the boat, the rules can change on a dime. Don’t even bother with the schedule. My boat direct to Varenna turned into Menaggio and then Varenna. My boat back to Bellagio to catch the bus pushed me into the ferry to Bellagio and the other ferry randomly turned into Menaggio and Como. The lines fill very quickly too and people get left off the boat, and this is the “off season.” I can’t even begin to imagine what happens during the on-season.

It was almost 3pm when I arrived at Varenna and I was quite hungry. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize there’s a siesta hour after 3pm in this region of Italy. One of the only places without a massive line was quite expensive, although the view of the water was quite stunning. I got an Aperol spritz and a Caesar salad. Both were excellent.

By the time I was done, I noticed I was getting sunburn and my phone was dying, but I forgot my iPhone power cord for my power bank. I managed to get some spray on sunscreen SPF and the pharmacist hinted that an iPhone charger was for sale at a tobacco shop. With some mild difficulty because European English isn’t exactly 100% correct, I eventually found it and bought an iPhone power cord for 8 euro.

I started my day late so I didn’t get to see everything in Varenna that I wanted, but I did manage to see Villa Monastero, which was also quite beautiful.

The bus back to Como was chaotic, a bottle of champagne was popped, and a young girl got motion sickness and projectile vomited all over another person’s back shoulder which stunk up the whole bus. Thank goodness there were windows. The smell was rancid. I got a seat but a lot of people got left behind for the next bus in an hour. Apparently, the high speed ferry overbooked so a lot more people than normal were left stranded. We were literally driving past people at other stops because the bus was full.

I ended my night with a late dinner at 9pm in Como. It was absolutely delicious. Pasta with little neck clams and tiramisu. Mind you, this meal was cheaper than my snack in Varenna. I’m off to bed. Goodnight!

[casparscunttt16]

Jake “Hangman” Seresin

Summary: Jake comes home after a long day of work and clings to you, his pregnant wife after having to leave, early this morning for work.

Warnings: Cursing but aside from that very fluffy.

(gif not mine)

Y/n felt right side of the bed dip as Jake turned off his alarm. He tried not to wake his fiancé and he slowly stumbled towards the bathroom, he shut the door and turn on the light. He got ready for work quietly humming as he did, within 20 minutes he was ready for work. He walked over to y/n and placed a kiss on her forehead.

I woke up at at 10am and got myself ready whilst I listened to music, I got out of the shower in thirty minutes and began getting dressed. I wore a cute flowy dress due to all of my other clothes barely fitting. “Oh shit I should call to let her know I might be late” I rushed around, trying to look presentable obviously. Me and Penny agreed to go out for brunch at 10:45 and it’s now 11:00.

She replied to my text letting me know she was still on her way there and that it wouldn’t be a problem. I finished getting ready and soon enough I arrived at brunch. I walked inside the restaurant and took a look around, I seen Penny sitting at a table and looking at the menu. I walk up to her and take the seat across from her. “Hi Penny” I greet.

Penny and I talk for almost two hours before parting ways, I decided to head to the grocery store since I was already out anyways. I picked up some thing’s for dinner as I planned to cook dinner for us. Jake would be home at 3pm so i’d have plenty of time to cook. I went home and began cooking.

In a very short time, the sound of the front door echoed throughout the house. I felt a pair of strong arms around my waist and gently rubbing my belly, I smiled and turned around kissing Jake softly. “Hi Jakey” I greet him. “Hi honey, I missed you today” He says gently, placing his head in the crook of my neck. He pulls me closer to him in a bit of a beer hug I smile “Dinner will be ready in about 5 minutes, go set the table” I say turning my attention back to what I was cooking.

I soon turn off the stove and start put some food on my plate then his. We sit down at the table and eat our dinner chatting about our days, how work was etc. After he and I clean the kitchen and get ready for bed. We shower and put on our pajamas, so now we’re laying in bed.

We lay there cuddled up together pillow talking it got extremely silent not an awkward silence but a silence of comfort before Jake breaks the silence “Y/n?”. “Yeah?” I reply back turning to face him. “Who do you think our baby is going to look like?” he asks, looking into my eyes. “Me hopefully because you’re…something” you trail off jokingly laughing, he puts his hand of his heart pretending to be hurt. “I can’t believe you” he says dramatically causing you to burst out in laughter once more.

Jake kisses your forehead become pulling you closer to his chest as you’re falling asleep “I love you” he whisper lightly into your hair. “I love you too” you whisper back, a small smile creeps onto his face.

[p-antomime]

Hi Kiki my love!! i really love ur work, it's so well written!!! Do you have any advice about starting a writing blog? My native language it's not English so i get pretty self conscious about starting one ;((

hello, little angel! first of all, thank you so much for both reading my writing and for the lovely compliment, you warmed my little heart today!

now, about advice for starting a writing blog... I think I have some, after a whole year on tumblr!

The first advice I would give you is: don't be afraid to make mistakes. If you're like me, you may consider a small mistake as a huge failure and it's extremely hard to escape that mentality, especially on tumblr, but cut yourself some slack, okay? Especially because your native language is not English and it's super easy to get confused or lost in the middle of the road especially with grammar and vocabulary and if this happens to you (and it surely will, I'll tell you), keep a cool head and, if possible, try to learn a little more about the English grammar system and, most importantly: put it into practice! the more you write in English, the more you'll be familiar with the language and the easier you'll be able to develop your writing talent.

The second advice I would give you is: have LOTS of patience, because, honestly speaking, starting a writing blog is a very hard task and you will think about giving up on it many, many, many times, either because of lack of interaction or because of writer's block, but I assure you that for both problems there are solutions. For the first, if you are a new blog, try to do less long posts because it is obvious that tumblr gives much more long term attention to short posts; for the second, I think trying to write small pieces (like drabbles, hcs, etc) during the creative block time can help you.

Now, about the third piece of advice, I think it is very personal and if I could have told that to kiki from a year ago who started a blog without knowing the mechanics of tumblr, I would have done it! Be careful with your choice of words to put in your written work (because of the global ban of some words made by tumblr since the beginning of this year) AND be careful with who you choose to follow or interact with. If you're smarter than the kiki of a year ago, you'll save yourself from having to be nice to any blog that comes your way and you'll also build a network of friends/writers that help you as much as you help them (because, I'll tell you in advance: on tumblr nothing is built alone).

about the fourth, which I consider to be theoretically the least important of this short and brief list: have an aesthetic for your blog, in terms of desktop and mobile themes. Generally people follow blogs for their aesthetics before the quality of writing.

Fifth tip: be aware of the time zone in which you will be posting writing. Not your time zone, but the one you see that has more peak interactions and this you can only do/perceive as you post more on your new blog! For example, I have time zone (GMT) -3, but a little while ago (more than 5 months) I noticed that when I posted in the GMT +8 or GMT 0 my posts usually had/have more interactions, so, suppose that:

I am going to post something at 10am by my local time, by GMT +8 I would be posting it at 9pm in other parts of the world, and by GMT 0, I would be posting it at about 3pm in other parts of the world, y'know? this time of 10am/9pm/3pm, for me, is usually the most advantageous, but, it can differ a lot from yours depending on where you live/are currently located!

and i think that's it for now, regarding advice. i also have a few more about writing itself, but i think they would only make sense when you feel comfortable enough with your own writing in english, considering that it's not your native language!

if you need more help, don't hesitate to send more asks! <3

[elonscult]

The Awakening - Chapter 8

Chapter 8

The weather in Los Angeles was colder than usual, the disturbing heath had been replaced with light rain and uncertainty. Days somehow managed to blend in together into a weird complicated loop.

Elon’s strong footsteps resonated throughout the -now- empty factory. He was internally grateful that no one was there to see the obscure mood he was in. A lot of things were happening, things that were out of his control. He didn’t specifically like that, he liked to take situations and blend them as he wished, being in control made him feel powerful and important, not having the upper hand made him weak. At least that's what he thought, even though that wasn’t the truth at all.

He stretched out his hand to push the glass door standing in front of him, inside, on one of the chairs placed around a giant oval table, sat his lawyer. Vin. One of L.A.’s finest legal practitioners.

“You better have good news. I’m not in the mood for your incompetence today.” Elon said sitting in front of him.

“I- uh. Not a lot of good news today.” He responded.

Elon sighed, annoyed, while Vin went through a folder of papers.

“The divorce papers have not been signed yet.” Vin looked up. “She says you’re working things out.”

“No, we’re not. I need those papers signed.” Elon said.

“I’ll file another motion. Also, by any chance, do you have any proof I can submit for the cheating allegations.”

“What do you think.” Elon frowned. “Do you think I had the time to take a fucking picture?” He stood up and moved towards the mini bar, pouring himself a glass of Whiskey.

“Okay, just making sure.” Vin said raising his arms in a pacific way. “I’ll get that done one way or another. It would be easier if you had proof but whatever.”

“That’s what I’m paying you for. What the hell have you been doing then?” Elon responded.

“I’ve been doing that but she’s not easy to deal with. Neither is her attorney.”

Elon sat down again and took a sip from his glass.

“Get that done. And quickly.” Elon said.

“There’s another thing. About your current girlfriend…”

“What about her?” Elon interrupted, his whole body now suddenly feeling tense.

“The guy from the break in. He’s out on bail, he got out yesterday. I heard from my connections that there’s not enough evidence to press charges.” Vin continued.

“Fuck.” Elon raised his hand to massage the bridge of his nose.

“I’m trying to understand why you say there’s not enough evidence when he literally broke into

her house, tied her up, -punched her-, almost assaulted her”

“I agree with you but that’s how things went. I’m just telling you what I heard.” Vin interrupted.

“You know what? Next time I see you I want good news or you’re fired.” Elon chugged what

was left in the glass and stood up to finally go home.

 The sound of the car engine managed to silence the thoughts flooding through Elon’s mind while he drove home, when he arrived, he felt a sudden mix of dread and anxiety.

Uncomfortable with the course his thoughts were taking, he glanced at the large house in front of him. He wasn’t one to get attached to material things, to be completely honest, he could’ve lived in a one-bedroom apartment without a problem. But this house was capable of accommodating his children comfortably and now Sabrina as well. At least temporarily, how he wished it was forever.

He found the black-haired girl in the kitchen. Wearing a black halter crop top and some artistically-stained dark blue jeans. Nothing really special, but to him, it looked like the most amazing outfit merely because she was wearing it. She was pacing around, cooking something, her hair down in messy waves.

“You’re home!” Sabrina said, finally noticing him. Her previously concerted face now shining with a wide smile.

Elon smiled back as soon as he felt his lover’s arms wrapped around his neck followed by a trail of kisses all over his face.  He hugged her placing his head on the small of her neck.

“Are you hungry? I cooked something.” She spoke.

Elon sighed, not wanting to let go, inhaling the sweet smell of Sabrina, he hugged her tighter.

“Baby is everything okay?” She asked, her voice slightly quiet.

“Nothing for you to worry about.” He pulled away and kissed her forehead. “And I’m starving.”

Sabrina looked at him confused.

He shrugged it off, taking her hand and guiding her back to the kitchen.

Elon watched as Sabrina served the food and then they walked towards the backyard, a cold breeze hit her face as soon as she stepped out. On the grass, surrounded by a row of flowers and plants, Sabrina had laid out a small blanket along with candles that decorated the atmosphere, making it quite romantic.

“You made all this?” Elon smiled, helping Sabrina with the food and then sitting down across from her.

“It’s just a blanket and some candles.” She said, visibly proud despite of what she said.

Sabrina watched closely how Elon's jaw moved as he chewed. Was there no part of his body her mouth wasn't watering for? Suddenly wanting to be close to him, she moved so that she was now sitting on his lap. He wrapped his arms around her almost instantly, holding his plate in front of them both. She smiled and caressed his chin as he chewed. The way that muscle tensed under her hand… she loved the way his body moved, the way his muscles relaxed and contracted, no matter how small the effort. She took a sip of wine and raised the glass to his lips. Unfortunately, she miscalculated and pushed it away too soon, causing the wine to spill down his neck and onto his shirt.

“Shit, I’m sorry.” Sabrina said, cleaning his jaw with her fingers. His incipient beard scratched her skin.

Elon didn’t seem to mind at all. He took her hand and licked the wine that was dripping down her fingers. He licked her fingers and nibbled on them, very gently, and she shuddered from head to toe, attentively watching. One by one, he cleaned them meticulously. And when he finished, he lifted her chin and captured her lips. The kiss wasn’t the demanding, fierce kiss she was used to. The one he used to seduce and devour her. This one was soft, gentle, tender. Then he pulled away.

“Are you still hungry?” He asked.

“Yes” Sabrina mumbled, not referring to the food, but to the appetites her body was experiencing with him.

And so, they continued, feeding and reveling in each other's company, until they ended their food. Sabrina leaned into his arms as he embraced her.

“I need to tell you something.” Elon said.

“Yeah?” Sabrina responded, placing her hand over his and softly caressing it.

“I had a meeting with Vin today. He said the guy that broke into your house is out on bail.” He finally said, dragging each word as if it was difficult for him to say.

She looked up at him, the soft light of the moon and the candles around them softening her -already- soft features. Still, he could see the concern on her hazel eyes.

He held her closer. “I won’t let anything happen to you.”

Sabrina couldn’t find words to express what she was feeling. Remembering everything that happened that unfaithful night made her want to throw up.

“I promise.” Elon whispered, worried about her.

She nodded. He leaned in and kissed her cheek.

 Sabrina woke up before sunrise the next day, surrounded by Elon’s reassuring arms. She got into the shower and got ready for the day. After she was done, she went back into the bedroom and placed a soft kiss on Elon’s cheek, trying not to wake him up. When she turned around to leave, she felt his hand take hers and pulled her closer.

“Mmh” He groaned.

“I’m going to the office, I didn’t wanna wake you.” She whispered now sitting by the side of the bed.

“Give me 15, I’ll go with you.” He spoke.

“You will?” She asked, suddenly excited.

“Yeah, I wanted to spend the day with you anyways.” He softly smiled, still with his eyes closed.

Once they were ready, Elon drove towards Sabrina’s Company’s building, situated in the city center. She had a knot on her stomach so big that she was having trouble breathing. All thanks to the information Elon had given her the previous night. But she couldn’t shut down, she wasn’t going to let fear control her life. However, she was thankful for Elon’s presence. He recomforted her.

He walked in front of her while holding her hand guiding her to the elevator where he pressed the floor number and then the button to close the door. He winked at her and smiled.

Sabrina squeezed his hand smiling. What was it about him that made her feel happy? No matter what, Elon always managed to make things so much more fun, better, brighter.

The elevator doors opened and they walked into Sabrina’s office, taking a minute to say hi to her assistant.

“Are you really gonna spend the whole day here?” Sabrina asked.

He shrugged.

“I got nothing better to do.” He answered.

“You’re going to get bored.”

“I could never get bored being with you.”

She tiptoed and kissed him tenderly.

“Thank you for joining me today. I don’t think I could have been here if it weren’t for you.”

He nibbled on her lips.

“It’s my pleasure.”

Mary called through the intercom.

“Ms. Vanderbilt, your 9am appointment is here.”

“I’ll go outside to make some calls.” Elon said placing a last kiss on her lips before leaving the room.

During the next hour, Sabrina wasn’t capable of concentrating. Her thoughts flew to the man waiting for her outside, and they kept circling back to how much he meant to her.

As soon as it was over, she walked her client to the door. Mary was playing Solitary on her computer while Elon was nowhere to be found.

“By the way, your 3pm appointment has been canceled and the 10am one has called to say they’ll be a couple minutes late.”

“Okay.” Sabrina pointed at the door with her thumb.” I’m going to my car, I forgot my phone.”

Mary nodded.

Angry at herself for not being able to concentrate, she walked towards the elevator and pressed the button to go down to the parking lot once again. Once she reached the car, she opened the passenger’s door and leaned in to look for her phone, which was nowhere in sight. When she finally found it, someone grabbed her arm and pulled her outside of the car, moments later pushing her towards it and covering her mouth with one hand. She froze.

“You thought you were going to get away?” The familiar masked man said, too close to her face for her liking.

Sabrina couldn’t even move, her whole body was frozen.

In a few blurry seconds, Elon was there. He smashed the guy against the car with so much force that Sabrina thought they had left a mark on the door. He then grabbed him by the shirt and slammed him against the car again.

“Go call the police!” Elon urged her. “Run inside.”

Without completely understanding what was happening Sabrina ran inside of the building, leaving Elon alone with the masked man, who then proceeded to throw a kick at Elon’s stomach. He punched him in the jaw with shadowed eyes.

“Ever find you near Sabrina again and there will be no force in this world or the hereafter that will keep me from tearing you to shreds. You don’t know who you’re messing with. Do you understand?” Elon spoke.

“What the hell, man?” The guy said, rubbing the side of his face. “This isn’t what we agreed on.”

“Huh?” Elon frowned.

“I talked to your wife, she paid me.”

“To kidnap her? She paid me good money.” He continued, as it was the most obvious thing.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Elon asked, police sirens wailing in the distance.

Seconds later the police arrived and handcuffed the guy, taking the mask off, revealing a rather average- tattooed man in his 30’s.

Elon limited himself to stand there, processing everything that the guy had said to him. He was sick to his stomach.

“Are you okay? Are you hurt?” He heard Sabrina running towards him.

He reacted to her voice and hurried to meet her, surrounding her in his arms as soon as he could.

“Baby, are you okay?” He asked.

“Everything’s okay now. I’m okay.” He continued, feeling her sobbing underneath him, holding her tight.

After the whole ordeal with the police, he took Sabrina home, where she slept for the rest of the day and through the night. The next morning, she woke up to the sound of voices coming from downstairs. She looked for Elon in the bedroom but didn’t find him, she assumed he was downstairs with someone. Without losing any more time, she hopped in the shower and changed Elon’s old shirt into some high waisted denim shorts and a white long-sleeved white button-up shirt, which was also Elon’s.

She walked downstairs to find Elon having breakfast with his children in the backyard accompanied by his mom and brother. Sabrina felt suddenly out of place, wondering if she could fit into that loving family. Like as if he was reading her mind, Elon turned to see her and got up to find her in the hall.

“Hi” Sabrina softly said, smiling.

“Hi” He stood in front of her for a second before briefly kissing her. “I wanted you to rest, that’s why I didn’t wake you. Are you hungry? There’s plenty of food. The kids are here, they’re asking for you, I forgot to tell you I have them this week.”

Her eyes squinted trying to get all of the information in.

“Sorry.” Elon laughed, trying to act normal. The truth was that he had been up all-night thinking about what to do about their relationship, his ex-wife, he felt incredibly guilty for what had happened.  “I-uh. Are you hungry?” He continued.

“Not really, I’m… I think I’ll eat something later. But I’d be delighted to join you.” She smirked.

After greeting everyone, she sat next to Elon, where they spent the next couple of hours just catching up and enjoying each other’s company.

The remaining of the day they spent with the kids, how much it warmed Sabrina’s heart to be with them, they were always so kind and loving. She thought about their mother, Elon’s first wife, who had not been anything but good to her, even if her and Elon didn’t really have a relationship.

However, Sabrina’s tranquility was attacked by Elon’s sudden estrangement. She wondered if he was worried about something work-related, or if there was something else making him distant.

“Do you wanna watch something?” Elon asked. “There’s some shitty movies in here, I believe.” Sabrina’s thoughts were interrupted by his husky voice.

“I don’t mind, whatever you want to watch.” She almost whispered. The young woman laying next to him, with her head resting on his chest, feeling sleepy.

Elon allowed himself to look at her for only a brief second, something he had tried to avoid almost all day. He couldn’t bear it, he couldn’t be with her knowing what he knew now. Knowing that he was the one responsible for all the chaos in her life.

He incorporated, cupping her face and kissing her. Almost involuntarily, she kissed him back. Before he could say anything, she grabbed the inferior border of his shirt and pulled it up until it was out of the way. Once out, Sabrina threw it on the floor and rested her hands on his chest, right above his heart. He stood still as a statue while she slid her hands over his skin, sending shivers down his spine. Elon noticed she was trying to unbutton his pants.

“Sabrina” he warned her, not wanting to take things further, it hurt too much.

“Mmm?” She mumbled, frowning, her lips slightly red from their previous kiss.

“Nevermind.” He whispered.

She pulled away and positioned herself on the bed. Elon held his breath as he watched her body move in that sensual way of hers.

Taking his pants off, he joined her. He made her lie on her back and, in that position, unbuttoned several buttons on her shirt, the deep neckline exposing one of her breasts. He took advantage of the situation. He felt her shiver beneath him as he flicked his tongue around her hardened nipple. Her body was liquid fire and it screamed out, demanding that he possess her. But he didn't just crave her flesh. He wanted her.

And abandoning her would tear him apart.

With great tenderness he caressed her face, keeping in his memory every little detail. His precious Sabrina. He would never forget her.

He slowly took her shorts off and parted her thighs with his knees. Elon shuddered involuntarily as he felt her almost-naked skin beneath his. And, at that that moment, he made the mistake of looking into her eyes. Those hazel eyes that looked at him with so much love.

She grabbed him by the head and pulled him close for a deep, passionate kiss. He returned it fiercely, and with a powerful and sudden thrust, he thrust into her. He threw his head back and grunted as Sabrina’s wet body welcomed him in, enveloping him. The shock to his senses was so powerful that he shivered from head to toe.

With gasping breaths, he looked into her face and was mesmerized as he felt her, warm and tight, around him. He slid his hand down her arm, until he captured her hand and gripped it tightly.

“Am I hurting you?” He asked.

“No” she answered him with a tender, sincere look. She brought Elon’s hand to her lips and kissed it. “You’ll never hurt me by being with me” He felt his heart drop.

She wrapped her arms and legs around him, then ran her tongue down his neck and delighted in the feel of him vibrating in her arms. He lifted his hips, very slowly, torturing her with the movement and, without warning, he plunged into her with such force that Sabrina thought she was dying of pleasure. She held her breath as she felt him all the way inside her. It was incredible, unbelievable. It was wonderful to feel the thrusts of that strong, agile body. She closed her eyes and enjoyed the movement of Elon’s muscles as they contracted and relaxed over her body. She had never felt anything like it before, she limited herself to breath and express her love for him with her body.

Exhilarated by the weight of his body on top of hers, she ran her hands down his back to his hips and pushed against him, urging him to go faster. Elon moaned as he felt Sabrina dig her nails into his back. How could such small hands have the power to defeat him? He would never understand, just as he would never understand why she loved him.

“Look at me, Sabrina.” He said, sinking deep into her again. “I want to see you.”

She obeyed, his eyes were narrowed, and by the way he was breathing and the expression on his face, she knew he was enjoying every single moment. She felt her abs contract each time he moved and she lifted her hips to meet his furious thrusts. Nothing could be better than having Elon on top of her, kissing her passionately and sliding in and out of her. Just when she thought she couldn't take it anymore, her body erupted in a thousand shudders of pleasure.

- Oh god -She silently cried out, arching her body more towards him.

He sank into her all the way down and remained motionless, watching her as her muscles contracted around him.

When she opened her eyes, she was met with a satisfactory grin.

“You liked that, didn’t you?” He asked, rotating his hips so she could feel him inside. It took Sabrina an enormous effort not to moan with pleasure.

“That was good” She said.

“Good? I guess I’ll have to keep trying” He turned and pulled her with him, careful not to slide out of her. She moaned as she found herself on top of him.

Elon reached up with one arm and undid the rest of the buttons on her shirt. The piece of fabric fell open. The look of pure joy in his eyes was far more pleasurable to Sabrina than feeling him inside her. Smiling, she lifted her hips up and lowered them to absorb him entirely. She felt him shudder.

“You liked that, didn’t you?” She playfully asked.  

“That was good” But the strangled voice betrayed his carefree tone. She let out a laugh.

Elon lifted his hips and thrust even deeper into her. Sabrina hissed in pleasure as she felt him fill her completely once again, as she felt the hardness of his body and the strength it boasted. And she still wanted more. She wanted to see his face when he climaxed. She wanted to be the one to give him that. He slid his hand very slowly down Sabrina’s body until he reached her navel, and moved even lower, towards the center of her body, caressing it slowly. She bit her lips as Elon’s fingers fiddled with her, matching the rhythm of her hips. Faster and deeper.

He grabbed her waist and helped her keep up with the frantic rhythm. He smiled at the sight of her on top of him.

They both lost track of time as their bodies caressed and delighted in each other’s company. She felt the room begin to spin under his expertise and, she let herself be carried away by the wonderful sensation of expressing the love she felt for him. They were both covered in sweat, but they did not stop savoring each other, they were still enjoying the passion they were sharing at last.

He bit his lip hard and moved even faster, grunting and closing his eyes. With one deep, certain thrust, he spilled into her and his whole body convulsed under hers. Elon was unable to breathe and his head was spinning from the ecstasy he had just felt. The intensity of his orgasm had been unbelievable. His whole body ached, but even so, he could not remember ever having experienced such an orgasm before. Seconds later, when Sabrina followed him, she collapsed on top of him.

Elon’s deep laughter reverberated through her body as he ran his hands up and down her back, her hips, and down her legs. Sabrina shivered. He was ecstatic to have Sabrina naked and lying on top of him, he felt her breasts squashed over his torso. His love for her welled up from the depths of his soul.

“I could lie like this forever.” He spoke softly.

“So could I”

He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her even closer to him. He noticed how her caresses slowed and her breathing became more relaxed and even. In a few minutes she was completely asleep. He kissed her on the head and smiled.

“Sleep, precious. It’s still a long way to sunrise.” He whispered, enjoying this moment. Knowing what was to come the next day.

-----------------------------------------------

This chapter is cheesy as fuck, that’s all I have to say

[hotchley]

lmao all this talk of school.... I'd like to jump in with my own schedule: my school starts, officially, with morning assembly at 7:45am. first classes start at 8am (except mondays where it'll be morning assembly at 8:45am, first classes at 9am) and most days last till about 3:30/4:30pm 😭 (the earliest day i get off is probably Wednesdays where we end at like, 2:45pm? but then we have kind of "compulsory" extracurricular activities (otherwise known as CCAs) that run from 3pm - 6pm every Wednesday.....)

most lessons range from between 45mins - 1 hour, except science practical lab sessions or classes for this special subject called Project Work, which are usually 1.5hours long. there are hardly any breaks in between (we have one 15mins "recess" and a 45mins lunch period, and if you're lucky, you'll have classes that you don't take in your schedule because most classes are made up of a mix of people who take different subject combinations, and so during those periods you essentially can do whatever you want to)

for instance, my timetable for today is:

8-9am free period because i don't take the subject

9-9:45am biology

9:45-10am small random break, thank goodness

10am - 11am physical education (pe)

11-11:15am recess

11:15am-12:45pm chemistry practical lab session

12:45-1pm temperature taking because covid

1-1:45pm lunch

1:45-2:45pm biology

2:45pm end of day

so yeah.

oh and since exams are starting (tomorrow, in fact 😭 and it'll last for roughly 2.5 weeks), CCA has been cancelled temporarily so, 🥴

yeah school life is just hectic over here man.... i haven't even begun to talk about school assignments and projects.....

- 🌙

I don't...

I don't even know what to say.

READING that made me feel tired

AND THEN YOU HAVE TO DO CCA???

Every extra-curricular I've done in school has been FULLY optional, and the only person to blame for the time it took away from other things is me.

Please, I'm not sure I could handle hearing about the assignments and projects (/j)

I hope you're doing okay though!

[lightanddarklove]

SU:F - The Best Mother and Doctor I can be Ch. 4

Happy Anniversary to the Future Finale! I'm so glad to be able to post this today. I was having a few health issues of my own this year, plus I had 4 different jobs between March and December of 2020, eating up a lot of my time.

This chapter has one of the sections I was most looking forward to writing, the conversation between Connie and her mother. I have strong feelings that Connie's maturity in the later episodes comes a bit from something outside of her on screen development. Link to some Connie Meta here.

Prevous Chapters:  Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3

The dialogue choice in Greg's section about Aunt Deb, "It was before she c-" is referring to coming out, but I felt like the choice to leave it slightly ambiguous makes sense when he explains. I am on team #TransAuntDeb, and that's something I may explore at a later time if I ever get to write Steven meeting up with some extended human family.

Thanks to everyone who's reblogged and liked to this fic. It's been a hard 2020, but the positive feedback on this has really made some of the harder days a little brighter. I hope you enjoy the finished chapter.

Rating: T - Content Warnings: tobacco smoking, discussions of alcohol, drugs, dissociation, trichillomania, eating disorders and self-harm, over-protective parents, anxiety, PTSD, rejected proposal

Priyanka has a sincere parent-to-parent talk with Greg. On the way home, she and Connie share heartfelt words over recent events.

As Amethyst, Garnet ad Pearl’s conversation faded into the background, Dr. Maheswaran made her way to Greg Universe’s van. She could see a distance away on the beach front, Bismuth and Peridot working away on some metal, but her attention wasn’t on them. She flicked open her bag and pulled out her phone as she made her way down the beach, seeing one new message.

Have your patient arrive between 10am and 3pm. I leave at 4. Dr. Wilkin’s text read. She nodded to herself and sent a quick Thanks. She put her phone away and continued her walk.

She walked closer to Greg’s car and home in one, hearing the hum of an 80’s song she didn’t recognize on the radio. His van’s rear doors were swung open and a curl of smoke rose from the back. Greg sat on the back of the van in a worn jacket, half-finished cigarette in hand and a tired look on his face as he stared out onto the beach. As Greg met her eyes, he gave a sigh. She leveled him with a stern look and folded her arms.

“You don’t have to say it. I already know this is bad for me.” He started. “I don’t need the statistics.”

“So why are you still doing it?” She asked, tone level but annoyed as she walked closer. She stood just far enough away for the smoke to avoid her direction by standing upwind from Greg.

“I picked up this pack when he ran off.” He replied gravely. “At first I thought, maybe he just needs some space, he’ll come back. But by the time the sun was setting and there was no sign of him anywhere I needed something to take my mind off things. I stopped at the convenience store and got these.” He flicked the ash off the cigarette and continued. “Been nursing this pack since then. I don’t intend to buy anymore. Should be done tonight or tomorrow morning.” He took a puff before bending down to the sand to put it out.

“I suppose I’ll put ‘former’ under the smoking column on the history form.” She replied dryly, walking up to lean on the van’s door, but not sitting down. Greg turned into the van, putting the butt of the cigarette into a trash bag and shrugging off his jacket, swapping it for a warmer pull-over sweatshirt. “How many years?”

“How long was I a smoker, ya mean?” He asked, settling back down on the van’s edge. “I was on and off for a few years in high school, as long as I could get away with it. My parents didn’t like it, so I didn’t smoke at home or at school as long as I lived there. When I left home, just before I hit 20 I was having about half a pack a day.” He paused, then continued disparagingly. “Well, when I wasn’t too broke to afford it. I quit around 23 or 24.”

“And you don’t pick it up every now and again?”

“Last time I bought a pack was after Steven was taken to Homeworld before Garnet’s wedding.” He replied. “I was so afraid I had lost him. I remember Connie was pretty scared too. Can you blame me?”

“Blame isn’t useful right now.” She answered. “Only keeping him safe and aiding his recovery is. If this is what you need in order to do that, well, I can’t say that I’m pro-smoking, but as long as you keep him away from it, I’m not going to try to stop you. I’m not your doctor.”

“I never once have smoked around him.” He replied firmly. “Or Connie.”

“I believe you, Greg.” She said, and they were quiet, for a moment. The radio announcer prattled on about some trivia about the song that had just played before switching to a Nirvana song.

“I’m sorry I snapped at you,” he said apologetically, averting his gaze. “This is a lot to handle. I’m not making excuses, but I feel so lost at all of this.” He hesitated again, rubbing the back of his neck. “I really let him down.”

“We can’t change the mistakes already made,” she replied. “You can apologize, and yes, thank you for that, but that doesn’t always solve what hurt our actions or inactions caused.”

“I deserved that,” he said dryly and she leveled a scowl at him.

“Greg, you aren’t getting it.” He turned to face her again, lowering his hand from his neck and raised his brows in surprise. “If all you’re doing is putting yourself down and wallowing, that’s not helping. Recognize your mistakes, learn from them, get your feelings out in a space where it won’t affect him, and move forward. Being attentive to his needs is the best thing you can do as a parent right now.”

“Yeah…” he replied, trailing off. He looked out at the horizon line quietly before continuing. “Thank you. I needed to hear that.”

“You should consider some form of counseling too, Greg.” She said. He gave a wistful smile.

“Maybe in a couple weeks,” he replied with a slight shrug. “My stuff has been ongoing for a good long while. It can wait until I’m sure he’s getting the right treatment.” He paused and turned back to her. “You said it yourself: he’s the priority right now.” She sat down on the van’s edge beside him.

“Don’t put it off too long,” she said. “Are you insured now, too?”

“Yeah,” he answered. “It was easier to get us both set up than to just put in an application for him.”

“Good. I’ll send you some recommendations with links to their websites. Local psychologists and psychiatrists who have openings for new patients.” She paused. “Now I did come over to speak with you for a reason. Do you have a printer? I have some recommendations for Steven that should be printed out as opposed to being read on a screen.”

“Yeah, the carwash office has one,” he answered. “I trust your judgment, Dr. Maheswaran, but do mind telling me why?”

“I think it’s very likely he suffered a concussion either from the car accident or his time with Jasper,” she replied. Greg’s mouth fell open. “I wasn’t able to get a lot of detail about what happened, and I doubt he will be more forthcoming about it any time soon, but his injuries were serious. Although he has healed from them, there could be lingering effects.” Greg looked away, brows knotted in concern. “For the time being you should restrict his screen time to no more than half-hour sessions, with at least the same amount of time breaks in-between. So phones, TV, computer, video games should all be limited until his doctors say otherwise.” Greg closed his mouth and swallowed.

“What did he say about what happened when he was out in the woods? Can you even tell me?”

“You are the only one I am legally permitted to disclose health information without his express consent,” She replied. “And there are exceptions; his psychological evaluation tomorrow will likely include some information that is protected, even from you. Be aware that the gems may be considered his family, but you are his only legal guardian as far as HIPAA is concerned. So it is your decision what gets disclosed to them regarding our discussions.”

“Ok. So-” he took a deep breath, bracing himself- “what did he say about what happened?”

“He and Jasper trained and later fought,” she replied. “During that fight she was shattered, but that was accidental. He had a hard time talking about that part especially, but he made it clear it was never his intention to take the fight to those extremes. During the initial training, he was head-butted and kicked by her, and bare handedly punched a tree, which likely broke his right hand. Upon inspection, there doesn’t appear to be lingering damage. As they fought, he was head-butted again with her helmet, and knocked back into debris, probably resulting in broken ribs, based on the description of his immediate reaction to the injury. Those were all the injuries we discussed.”

Greg put his head in his hands and let out a shuddering breath. “Oh Steven…” he trailed off.

“I understand this is hard to hear, Greg,” She said quietly. “I am putting in a request with his chart to have him X-Rayed again as well as an MRI. Unfortunately being that we didn’t request one with his previous visit we don’t have a baseline to go off of. My suggestion is to call ahead to ESTC and find out if the MRI with contrast requires fasting or if he should have something to eat before heading there tomorrow.”

“He went through all of that alone…” Greg mumbled thickly. “I let him down so much.”

“You aren’t the only one,” she replied. “His choices were a result of a lot of factors, including the gems’ involvement, or lack thereof. But, you can make decisions now to help him move forward.”

“Please…” he replied. “What can I do?”

“If he’s well enough to go tomorrow, he needs to be seen as soon as possible,” She answered. “The contact at ESTC I have is Dr. Amber Wilkins. She is the person I am sending his paperwork directly. Her availability is from 10 to 3 tomorrow, so make sure he’s able to get there by then.”

“Do you know anything about this doctor?” he asked quietly.

“She had a residency with one of the doctors I regularly work with,” she replied. “I wanted to select a doctor who I could directly send his information to, so that way his intake is easier and his gem specific background was covered in his chart from the start. I don’t have as much of a personal connection to her as the doctors in my hospital’s Psychology department, but she has a good reputation that strikes a balance between empathetic and professional. ESTC was my first choice outside of my location, due to its accessibility and relatively close location. It’s a teaching hospital with experts in the field, and she’s the doctor I have the most direct contact with to ensure he’s getting the best care possible.”

“I…” Greg trailed off for a moment, watching the horizon line. Once he found his voice, he said “I’m glad we have someone putting so much thought into all of this. We’d be lost without you. Thank you.”

“I trust that you will consider my and the other doctors advisement carefully in all of this, right?” She asked. He nodded. “It will take some time, and adapting routines that will work best for him, but recovery is not just possible, but considerably likely with you and the Gems support.” She paused and he looked back at her with a weak smile. “He needs you, Greg. You will have to advocate for him, ensure that he is following the doctors instructions, push back if he’s feeling overwhelmed, and listen to what he needs.”

“I just hope I can do enough for him,” Greg replied, voice thick.

“There is no perfect manual on raising a child, Greg,” she said soberly. “My parents, your parents, me and you– we all made mistakes that shaped our children in ways we didn’t intend. Wanting to be better in some ways caused us to lack in others. The key now, is finding those shortcomings and working with others to help our children be more well-adjusted as they grow. We can only try to make good decisions, and hope they’re the right ones.”

Greg nodded and smiled. A loud click drew the pair’s attention to Connie, closing the door on the Maheswaran’s car a short distance away on the beach. Greg rolled his shoulders back and leaned on his hands behind him. “Speaking of, I’m sure you’ve got some things you’ll be wanting to talk to Connie about after all of this, huh?”

“I will, but unfortunately I’m not done with you yet,” the doctor replied.

“Okay,” he said, his voice more noticeably positive than any time in the past two days. “Lay it on me.”

“There are a few things regarding Steven that are important you and I discuss. Firstly: Alcohol.”

“Was he honest with you about it?” he asked timidly.

“He mentioned last year’s New Year’s party you both came to and a concert for Sadie and the Suspects concert as times he’s had a small amount.” She replied. “Are there any other times you or someone that you know of has given him some?”

“A sip here and there,” Greg answered. “As far as I know, he hasn’t had any without my permission. He doesn’t like beer, he had a sip at about, 12 or 13, if I remember right.”

“Well during his recovery he shouldn’t have any. Not only can if affect mood and impulsive behavior, both of which he will be working on, but if the doctors prescribe him anything for any mood disorders or similar issues, the vast majority of them react poorly with alcohol and most non-prescription drugs.”

“You seem pretty certain that will happen, huh?”

“I’m not.” She replied adamantly and then paused. “He’s a special case. His hormones may be different due to his gem physiology. He hasn’t taken any medications regularly other than a multi-vitamin, correct?”

“I only gave him over the counter Anti-Histamines when he was younger for plant-based allergies, and only when it was bothering him.” Greg answered. “He’s never caught a cold, and come to think of it, since he’s had his healing powers, he hasn’t needed those allergy pills. The fact that he’s never been sick is part of why I didn’t take him to the doctors before.” He paused, voice turning glum. “I understand now that was a mistake.”

She looked over the landscape at the setting sun and then spoke again. “He may not react well to the medication, but it will be up to the doctors to determine if the risk is necessary. Most likely they would start with something with minimal side effects and a high success rate. Are you at all familiar with SSRIs?”

“I mean I think I’ve heard of them, but I wouldn’t say I’m personally familiar with them,” Greg answered quietly. “They’re anti-depressants, right?”

“Yes, but they also can be used to treat Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and anxiety” Dr. Maheswaran turned back to him. Greg searched her face for any ambiguity, waiting for her to continue. “He meets more than a few of the criteria for PTSD, though there was one question I didn’t get a chance to ask him that could help with his diagnosis.” Greg swallowed, and his voice cracked as he spoke.

“Yeah? Uh, I can try to answer. Or if I don’t know, I’ll ask him later.”

“Has he been easily startled, watchful or on guard lately?”

“He can get a little jumpy from time to time, but I haven’t noticed it being more than usual,” Greg answered. “I can ask him after we talk at dinner.”

“He may need a little time. As we were discussing possible traumatic events, he was becoming a bit distressed. Lion came along and offered some comfort, but he may not be ready to talk right away. Although having that information would be helpful to send to Dr. Wilkins tonight, I encouraged him to set boundaries if he isn’t ready to discuss something. It’s important that he talks on his own terms, when he’s feeling comfortable enough. If he’s pushed, he’s more likely to fabricate details or shut you out. By letting him set limits on discussions of his trauma, he’s more likely to trust you and the gems with the truth.” Greg took a moment before nodding. “I did mention to the gems to make sure he’s eating enough, and told him to make sure he has dinner tonight. Trauma can cause issues with appetite, either overeating or a loss of appetite. It would be best to monitor if there’s any significant changes on eating or sleeping patterns.”

“So I guess letting him eat a bunch of pie and ice cream after the proposal was a bad move, huh?” Greg replied dryly.

“Sometimes a significantly upsetting change like rejection can cause the body to crave high calorie foods,” she answered. “I would have him try to keep a more balanced diet moving forward with his recovery, but if you’ve ever had a break-up, you’ve probably felt the urge to cry a lot and eat ice cream or chocolate. The body regards significant emotional distress as being a threat to well-being and feels the need to stock up on its reserves. It’s trying to fight off starvation, but that response is unnecessary.”

“Oh. That makes sense,” he said, voice tinged with melancholy, and paused. “Yeah, I’ve been there more than a few times. That’s kind of why I let him eat whatever he wanted for those couple of days.”

“Well considering he spent the few days after that in the woods, and didn’t eat much, it may not have been that bad for him. Moving forward, I recommend keeping a food journal to ensure he’s not neglecting his nutrition. If you can, try to keep a schedule for his meals after tomorrow. Routines will likely help significantly in his recovery.” Greg nodded again. “There are a few other symptoms I wanted to discuss with you, and questions regarding risk factors before I let you get back to him.”

“Okay.”

“Have you noticed when he is in distress, he sometimes self-soothes by running his hands through his hair?”

“Well yeah, I do it too, sometimes. I did it a lot more before this involuntary haircut.” Greg ran his fingers in one had through the ends of his hair. “I figured he probably picked it up from me.”

“When we were speaking, there was a point where he wasn’t just combing this fingers through it, he was actively tugging on his hair. Doctors refer to this as trichotillomania. This can be painful and damaging to the hair follicles. Is this something you’ve observed, and if so, how frequent was it?”

Greg looked down, and chewed his lip for a moment before answering. “The only time I can remember seeing it was right before the big meltdown caused his body to start changing. When he started to say ‘I’m a fraud.’ We all were stunned by what he was saying, and I wasn’t in the presence of mind to try and stop him. Are you saying this has probably been happening for a while?”

“At least a few weeks, if not longer,” she replied. “He mentioned it when discussing the fight with Jasper and during a nightmare a week or so before the proposal. If it was actively on his mind in the middle of a nightmare, it is enough of a habit in his subconscious that it should be addressed. If you or the gems see him doing it, try to get his hands carefully from his hair and occupy them with something else. In grounding him to a specific texture or sensation, it will start breaking the habit. If you are close to the fridge, an ice cube works well. Other options are stress balls, stuffed animals, fidget toys, or a particularly soft blanket.”

“I’ll work on digging his old stuffed animals out of storage after he heads to bed tonight.” Greg muttered. “I wish I had realized this was going on.”

“He may have previously only been doing this when alone, or perhaps the gems didn’t realize this was an unhealthy behavior,” she replied. “We can only move forward with this information. I recommend letting the gems know.” She paused. “Although this is the only behavior I’ve observed or that we discussed that I have direct evidence of, there are other unhealthy behaviors in this same vein to look out for. With the scarring on his back, it will be important that you look out for signs of excoriation.” Greg tilted his head, a puzzled look on his face. “It’s also known as dermatillomania, or skin picking. His gem abilities may mitigate some of the damage it could cause, but tearing at his injuries, even absentmindedly, could cause permanent harm in normal circumstances. Be aware of him scratching at his back and shoulders, and if you notice the scars changing at all, that is something to bring up to his doctors.”

“You think that it’s likely?”

“It’s simply something to be aware of, Greg. Not all trauma patients develop it, but he has more than a few risk factors for these types of symptoms. He’ll need to be under close observation for at least the next few days, even if the doctors don’t insist upon keeping him overnight. His sleep and eating habits, as well as possible other self-destructive behaviors are not out of the question. It’s important to be watchful for these signs.” Greg flexed his fists and relaxed them, looking away. “Is there any family history of any of these types of behaviors, or anything along these lines?” Greg hesitated, not meeting her eyes.

“Not in his direct family,” he answered quietly. “I don’t have any siblings, and if my parents had something like that going on, they didn’t talk about it. Though my Aunt Deb…” he trailed off again. “I don’t know all the details, because I was 8 or 9 when it was going on, but I overheard some talk about it. It was before she c-” he stopped himself. “Sorry. It’s not my story to tell. I’ve been thinking, since everything’s been going on, maybe I should reach out to some of my family through my cousin Andy. So maybe you can meet her after I introduce Steven to her. But to answer your question, I eavesdropped on some arguments between my dad and her, accusing her of being dangerous. She said to him ‘I’d never hurt the kids, or my family,’ and he yelled ‘but you’d hurt yourself, right? Cause that’s different.’ It got kind of ugly from there.”

Dr. Maheswaran paused. “I’m sorry you had to go through that,” she replied softly. “Thank you for telling me.”

“I know that he’s going through a lot, there’s more that went on recently than I ever expected, but I don’t know what I can do to make it better. I feel like I’m so in the dark.”

“I understand. I really do think the doctors can help, given enough time. The best thing you can do right now is to facilitate a trusting relationship between him and his doctors. I know that’s easier said than done.”

“Yeah,” Greg answered, trailing off.

“You’re only human, and now that you’re aware of a great deal of issues he’s facing, you can help.”

“And there’s the rub. I’m only human, and he needs more than that.” Both of them were silent for a moment.

“I know we mentioned alcohol before Greg, but is there any family history of that or other controlled substances?” He looked away, biting his lip and she paused. “I want you to know, it is not my job tell you what choices you should or shouldn’t make with your own body. I’m not here to report you to CPS unless while using anything you hurt him. Or gave him something that could harm him.” Greg turned back to her, his eyes stern.

“No. I hope that you don’t think that poorly of me.”

“I don’t,” she replied and Greg sighed, breaking eye contact.

“I drink occasionally when he’s not around. A few friends and get together and have a card night where we’ll have a few beers or mixers. I have one friend who occasionally supplies some bud that I have never done around Steven. I haven’t done anything else other than the sporadic pack of cigarettes since he was born.” Greg went quiet again. “I have made some… embarrassing choices… in my early twenties, before I became a dad... Do you need me to go over my full history? I don’t want you to think less of me for choices I made about 20 years ago.”

“If you prefer not to discuss it,” Dr. Maheswaran replied, pulling a workup from a folder in her bag as she spoke, “I understand. You probably won’t be able out fill out the ‘mother’ half of the form, unless Rose told you more than the gems know, but if you fill this out to the best of your knowledge and bring it with you, then only the ESTC doctors will know.” She outstretched the paper to Greg and he nodded, taking it. “I will suggest getting him set up with his own GP a little closer to home at some point in the near future. One that you don’t have a personal relationship will probably make it easier to talk to about certain things.”

“Do you just mean my drug history, or…?” Greg flipped the paper gently, eyeing it over.

“I mentioned it to Steven too, because I figured it would make him uncomfortable to ask about his sexual activity.”

Greg barked out two embarrassed laughs before giving out a deep sigh. “Did he have anything to say to that?” His voice was between flustered and amused.

“He was redder than your worst sunburn and just said ‘What?’” Dr. Maheswaran mimicked Steven’s embarrassed, indignant tone. Greg laughed again, longer and deeper, and she gave a wry smile.

Greg mumbled something nearly inaudible that ended with “must have skipped a generation” and she laughed a bit too. After catching her breath, she stood.

“One last thing about the history form, Greg.”

“Yeah?”

“Although as of right now, patients 16 and younger wouldn’t be able to see their full records, 17 year olds are. So before he turns 17, you may want to give him more answers on your medical history. So he doesn’t find out on his own if he decides to ask for that information. Plus, the law could change between now and then.”

“Right, ok.” He replied.

“I feel I’ve asked most of the questions that will be relevant for his intake tomorrow. Don’t forget to email me the insurance information. If you can ask that one question to him about feeling ‘on guard’ tonight I can include that when I send the chart to Dr. Wilkins. They may have more paperwork, including consent forms, but most of it will be included in what we’ve already discussed.” She looked back at him as she began to walk to her car. “Please reach out if there’s anything else your concerned about. I’ll send over the grounding techniques once I get home.”

“Thank you,” Greg called. “Have a good night.” Dr. Maheswaran pulled the car door open and Greg shouted “Bye Connie, thanks for being here for Steven!”

Connie opened her door and stuck her head out by leaning her upper body on top of the car. “You’re welcome! I was glad to stay over, and let me know when he’s home tomorrow so I can stop by!” She called back. Priyanka sat in her seat and buckled herself in, clearing her throat to get Connie’s attention.

“I will!” Greg replied, smiling as Connie sat back down in her seat and closed her door.

“Good night, Greg,” Dr. Maheswaran said, shutting the door and starting the car. The Maheswaran’s smiled and waved at Greg as they drove away. The classical music hummed low on the radio as the car went from sand to worn pavement and up the road out of town.

Connie bounced her leg as she watched Beach City began to fade behind them. “You don’t have to pretend you aren’t worried Connie,” Priyanka broke the silence first. “You can talk to me about this. Or if you prefer, you can talk with your father after supper. Just don’t shut us out.”

Connie sighed. “I know. This is a lot. I just need some time to process this.” She answered. “I know that I’m doing all that I can right now, but I’m still worried. And you know you can’t really tell me anything.”

“About Steven?” her mother asked, and she nodded. “I can’t discuss anything that is under patient-doctor privilege, but I can talk to you about things I know you already know.” She paused. “Like what exactly happened as he transformed. I know you were present for that, and I want to know how you feel.” Connie chewed her lip, staring at the landscape. She didn’t answer. “Connie–” Dr. Maheswaran started, a bit more forcefully.

“I wish I had done more before that point. Before the meltdown,” Connie answered. “It felt really bad, feeling so helpless. But talking to the gems and his dad afterward, they all felt that way too.”

“I hope you don’t blame yourself for his decisions. Or his family’s decisions.”

“It’s not a simple yes or no, Mom,” she answered. “I kind of wish I hadn’t left him on his own a week ago, before the hospital. I know I didn’t have much to do with Little Homeschool and all the related stuff in his schedule, but maybe if I had checked in with him more, he would have been more open with me about stuff. When we were younger, we didn’t really keep secrets, or at least I didn’t think we did. Now I know that isn’t true anymore.”

“There’s a lot of things that were out of your control, Connie.” Her mother replied. “From what you told me about your response to the proposal, I feel like you handled it very gently. Did you happen to talk to Bismuth about the roller rink ‘not date’ yesterday or today?” Connie’s lip twitched upward.

“You talked to her, and you’re trying to figure out if I know what you know.”

“That answers my question,” Dr. Maheswaran quipped dryly.

“What I know is that he wasn’t having a lot of fun until he felt comfortable enough to ask me to skate together, since he didn’t know how. He was worried that he would be keeping me away from my other friends. But we ended up skating together as Stevonnie, and we had a lot of fun after that.” Connie paused. “So do you think him proposing had to do with how much fun we had after fusing? Because of something Bismuth said?”

“She actually hadn’t mentioned you two fusing.”

“Maybe he missed us doing stuff together, and I didn’t feel it because I was just enjoying the moment.” Connie mused aloud. “That’s why he wanted us to get married so we could be together all the time, but he doesn’t- or at least didn’t- understand the legal implications of what getting married means. I didn’t ask Greg what he talked to Steven about getting married after all of this comparing notes.” Connie watched her mother’s face closely as she talked, but didn’t notice a reaction. “So that’s not the thing you found out, then.”

“Your assumptions could be correct Connie, but that’s a discussion you and he should have after he’s getting proper treatment.” She replied. “More importantly, the discussion about being engaged shouldn’t even be relevant until having dated for a while- probably at least a year.”

“So does that mean I have your permission to date him?” Connie asked pointedly. Her mother sighed.

“Not immediately, you should at least wait until he’s been in treatment for at least 6 to 8 weeks, if not longer, as when going through mental health care it’s important to wait some time before making any major life decisions. Considering your age, I’d say that dating would qualify for a major decision. If you two have a substantial disagreement and break up, that could damage your friendship which could lead him to having a relapse. And that isn’t something that should be your responsibility right now.” The doctor paused. “Besides, I don’t think your father would be happy with me giving you permission without talking to him first.” Connie gave a subtle groan. “Don’t give me that tone.”

“Ok, fine. So what else do you want to ask me if I know so you can figure out what you can tell me?”

“You did tell me about what happened at the proposal, but not exactly how you feel about it all. Do you not feel comfortable telling me?” Connie looked away and her shoulders tensely rose. “Do you regret saying ‘not now’? Because if you don’t intend to date and marry him, that wasn’t a wise thing to say.”

“Look mom, I feel like this isn’t the best time to talk about it.” Connie sighed again. “I- he’s my best friend and he made this sweet date and song… he poured his heart out and I had to step back and say ‘this isn’t a step I’m ready for’ in the way I thought would hurt him the least.” She paused. “I want to have a talk with him about this, when things are a little better. So can we talk about something else?”

“Alright,” Priyanka said after a beat. “What does the name ‘Kevin’ mean to you?”

Connie covered her face with her hands and let out a muffled moan. “I did say to talk about something else, didn’t I?” Connie said sarcastically. Her mother spared her a glance and quirked her eyebrow at Connie. “Ok. So.” She paused again. “Steven and I are not on friendly terms with Kevin. He is older than us, and every time we talk to him, he has been rude to us. So if I had any say in the matter, the three times we were in the same place for more than five minutes would be enough for a lifetime.” Priyanka drummed her fingers on the steering wheel while driving as she waited for Connie to continue, but was met with silence.

“So, what happened during those three times you and he met?”

“The first time, Steven and I went to his friend Sour Cream’s dance party. We were fused, and he thought Stevonnie would be interested in him. We made it clear that wasn’t the case. He still tried to get us to dance, and so when we went to dance, we unfused. He took off and we didn’t see him for another year, or thereabouts.

“When he was interested in talking and dancing with you, did he say anything that was inappropriate? Or that bothered you?”

“I mean he was rudely talking about the other people at the party. But just the weird pet-names got to me a bit. He didn’t ask our name, so he kept calling us things like ‘baby’ and ‘angel.’” Priyanka’s grip on the wheel tightened slightly, her shoulders raised tensely, but Connie didn’t seem to notice. “We handled ourselves okay, and it was fine in the end. But he just doesn’t give off good vibes, every time we see him.” Connie paused. “Was it Mr. Universe who mentioned Kevin, or Steven? Because I don’t remember ever bringing Kevin up to you before.”

Dr. Maheswaran sighed with mild exasperation, “You know I can’t answer that.” She stopped for a beat, as Connie rolled her eyes. “So what happened the second time you met?”

“He came to the carwash while we were there and was rude to us and Mr. Universe. Steven told him off and he drove off without paying.” Her mother’s eyebrows raised, eyes still on the road. “This was after Steven’s dad got rich, so he didn’t care that much.”

“I see. Did anything happen after that?” Connie shifted slightly in her seat.

“Not a lot. Greg asked us how we knew him, we told him the story, he said he was sorry that happened to us and then that we shouldn’t waste time giving him any thought, because he’s not worth it.”

“He had the right idea.” After Connie didn’t continue, her mother asked, “what about the third time you met?”

“The last time was while Steven and I weren’t talking, after he surrendered to Homeworld and got taken to space without– the gems or I. I’m pretty sure you remember that story?”

“Yes, quite clearly,” Priyanka replied solemnly.

“Well, I ran into Kevin who gave me a party invite after Steven and I hadn’t been talking for almost 2 weeks. He told me that Steven would be there, and since the last time I went to his house there was a note saying he was on vacation, I figured it was the best way to get to talk to him. So I said yes.”

“And you went to this party? Wouldn’t that make four times you’ve seen him?”

“I don’t count the invite because it was a very short conversation, and the only rude thing he said was that he wanted Stevonnie to elevate his party’s status, which made it pretty clear that was the only reason he wanted me to come.”

“I remember you came home a bit late one day that week, and you told us you and Steven had made up. So what happened at the party?”

“Well, Kevin gave Steven some bad confidence advice because he thought we were a broken-up couple. Not just friends. So we argued a bit before putting our feelings out there and cleared the air. Once Kevin saw we had made up, he made a big announcement that Stevonnie would be making their appearance, and we let him down, saying it was getting late and we had a good time before Lion got us out of there.” Connie smirked, her tone derisive as she continued. “It was kind of priceless how desperate he looked as we left. And other than passing him on the street occasionally I haven’t seen him since, and he never bothers me when I do.”

Dr. Maheswaran replied, “If he does, and you want me to step in–“ before Connie interjected.

“That’s exactly why I hadn’t brought this up, mom. He hasn’t been a problem in years. If it was an issue, I could bring it up to the school counselor, or Mr. Universe, since we told him the details of how we met. But I hadn’t needed to.” Her mother let her shoulders relax but kept her eyes on the road.

“As long as you’re not in over your head, it’s alright. I just want to be there for you when you need us.”

“I felt confident dealing with it because Steven was there. And besides, I wasn’t comfortable talking with you about fusion for years, so I would have really had to make stuff up about that, to make anything I just said plausible.”

“I hope that there isn’t a lot you’re keeping from me at this point, since I now have more detail than I ever expected to about Steven’s situation.”

“There’s probably going to be some stuff that only the Gems or Steven can really understand, but I’m being as honest as I can without telling things that would make Steven uncomfortable.” Connie replied.

After a moment of the pair mulling over their thoughts, Priyanka interjected, “What do you think about going back to therapy?”

“Mom, are you serious?” Her daughter asked incredulously.

“Yes.” She answered. “I’m concerned if you’re trying to keep up with your school work, and be a part of Steven’s support network, you may be neglecting giving time for your own introspection.”

“When would I have the time?” Connie asked uneasily. “And besides, you or Dad would have to drive me, and–“

“I will make the time. You don’t have to make excuses for us.”

“After the ‘hallway flip incident’ two and a half years ago, I went for 10 months. I still remember the healthy coping mechanisms and I still have the worksheets if I need them. I don’t think it’s necessary for me to go back.”

“You’re lucky the school didn’t suspend you for flipping Jeff on the condition you go to counseling,” Dr. Maheswaran replied. “Even so, I don’t want you to neglect your own needs for the sake of others.”

Connie gave a vague hum in response.

“Please just think about it, even if it’s only for a few sessions,” her mother continued.

“I’ll think about it,” Connie replied, as the car turned from the parkway to the residential streets approaching the Maheswaran neighborhood.

“Is there anything else you want to tell me about that happened in the past day or so? How you feel about all this?” Dr. Maheswaran asked.

“I’m, um, a little disappointed that the gems didn’t handle this better, I guess.”

That’s something we agree on, Connie. She thought to herself before Connie continued.

”When Steven was in the middle of his meltdown, the gems didn’t really– They were trying to keep him from hurting anyone, but they couldn’t stop feeling sorry for themselves.” Connie paused. “I had to tell them off, how them focusing on how they felt was being selfish, and it was frustrating. I feel like they get it now, but if we all could have done more before all this… he wouldn’t be like this now.”

“I hope after my discussion with all of them today, they see that more clearly.” She replied. “And with the help Steven will be getting, it will help guide him through the things he’s been through. He won’t have to lean on them forever, but they need to be there for him now. Just remember, he can’t be your primary focus, that’s his family’s responsibility.”

“Yeah, I know.” She turned away, glancing at the houses passing them by.

“I can’t stop you from going to see him, but he’ll need to come after your health and your school work. Last night and today was an exception, and a rare one at that. I only say this, because I want you to keep in mind your goals for the future.”

“I still want him to know that I want him in my future.”

This struck a chord with her mother. Priyanka turned to face her at a red stop light. “Connie, would you want to marry him someday?” Connie caught her mother’s gaze over her shoulder and let out a nervous, non-committal whine. “Do you love him?” Connie whipped around to face Dr. Maheswaran.

“Why are you trying to drag this out of me?” Connie barked. “I don’t want you to be the first person I tell my feelings for him, I wanted to tell him myself once things are better! Face to face! If he had asked me if I wanted to date would I have agreed? Yes! If he had asked me to be his girlfriend instead of asking me to marry him, would I have said yes? Absolutely! If he had said ‘I love you, and only you,’ would I have returned his feelings? One hundred percent!” Connie’s voice began to crack as her eyes shone with unshed tears. “The first time he said ‘I love you’ it was when he was being taken away to Homeworld to save me and the other humans from being their prisoner, and the gems were all there, so I couldn’t be sure if it was really for me! It– it stung like you wouldn’t believe, Mom.” Connie turned her head away and wiped at her eyes. “The light’s green.”

Priyanka glanced up, noticing Connie was right, and that a car was coming up the hill behind them. She flicked her hazards on, shifted the car to park, and rolled her window down, trying to wave the car behind them to pass her. She reached a hand to Connie’s right shoulder and tried to pull her closer, but her daughter curled into herself, bringing her feet onto the seat and refused to budge. Dr. Maheswaran leaned close to her, putting her face near Connie’s ear and rubbed at her shoulder soothingly.

“Connie, you’ve been keeping this in the whole time? You haven’t told Greg or the Gems either?” Connie shook her head away from her mother and sniffled. “You don’t have to bear your feelings alone, your father and I are here for you.” Outside, the car that was behind them whirred past, leaving the radio and hum of the engine the only noise while Connie gathered her courage.

“Why’d you have to be so pushy?” Connie cried, her voice thick and teary. “I don’t want to think ‘bout this righ’ now. I can’t just put this on him, I’m too worried about how he’s holding up.”

“Connie… I’m sorry.” Her mother replied softly, “I just wanted you to be prepared for when you eventually do have this conversation. I could have brought this up later tonight, or tomorrow. But if your plan was just to push your own feelings down for as long as he’s in treatment, that feels unhealthy.”

“Well,” Connie sniffed, “I at least want him to talk to his doctors first, to try and figure out if that’s really how he feels. I don’t want to hear that he’s changed his mind once he’s out of crisis mode.”

“Though it may be a possibility, but if I have understood the things we discussed, it feels very unlikely.” Connie wiped at her face again before turning to face her mother, searching her face for signs of doubt, but could not see any. After meeting Connie’s eyes, Priyanka continued, “Your feelings matter in all of this too, but I understand you being concerned in addressing this with him too early. If you don’t want to discuss this with your father or I, I feel like going back to therapy, even for just 3 sessions, would help you process your feelings without them weighing on you. We could always book an appointment with your GP, if you want a second opinion.”

Connie rubbed her eyes, straightened up in her seat, and placed her feet on the floor. After taking one more shuddering breath, she replied assuredly, “I’ll go for a few sessions, but I think I have too much in my schedule to set an appointment every week. Can we make it every 2 weeks?”

“That’s perfectly reasonable.” Her mother answered with a small smile. “I’ll call the office tomorrow. It’ll be too late by the time we have dinner.”

“Right,” Connie said, slightly sheepish. “Let’s get home before Dad gets a hold of the neighborhood watch.”

Dr. Maheswaran let out a small chuckle, turned off her hazards and shifted the car back into drive. “I hope you’re hungry tonight.”

“Did Dad get take out?” Connie asked casually.

“No, he said he had Parsi Mutton in the oven that I’m very much looking forward to,” her mother replied.

“Yum, I can’t wait. We’ll have to make something vegetarian next time you or dad cooks so I can bring it to Steven when he’s feeling up to it.”

“Oh good, for a moment I was worried you were about to tell me that you were thinking of becoming vegetarian too.”

“Not yet, I need to find good meat substitutes for lamb first. We definitely could try to get it down to two nights a week though,” Connie replied.

“That’s something to address with your Father,” Priyanka dryly quipped.

“Just you wait Mom,” she answered with a smile, “I’ll have a slideshow that’ll convince him by the end of next week.”

The car rolled to a stop in front of the Maheswaran household. With a click of the car remote, the garage door opened and Dr. Maheswaran parked inside. The two women gathered their things and got out of the car, walking inside the kitchen with Connie leading as the garage door noisily closed behind them.

“There you two are,” Doug chided worriedly, checking over the finished meat cooling beneath some foil on the counter. “I thought something may have happened with how late you two were. Is everything alright?”

“I think it will be, Dad. How are you doing?” Connie asked.

“Glad to have my favorite girls back,” he answered, stepping away from the meal to give Connie a hug. As his daughter backed up and went to wash up at kitchen sink, he gave Priyanka a peck on the cheek. “Ready for dinner?”

“With how you cook? I wouldn’t miss this,” she replied slyly. “It’s been quite a day. Unfortunately I won’t likely know how things will be going until at least tomorrow afternoon.”

“Well, we’ll just have to hope that tomorrow’s better than today then,” He answered kindly.

“Yeah,” Connie said wistfully, “A better tomorrow.”