#i worked in nonprofits for the first 8 years of my career and nobody understands them

[lightyaoigami]

do i need to do my annual post reminding people how nonprofit finances & fundraising drives/galas work. am i just shouting into the void.

[dudence-blog]

Dear Dudence for 13 February 2018

Wow, it’s been like a month.  I’d apologize but, honestly, I do think for fun and the time I spend reading, thinking, and writing had to come out of time spent with family, work, or school.  Also, I realized I needed there to be something in the NuPru source which made me go “ugh, that is just wrong.”  Maybe some Stockholm Syndrome has kicked in and I see her point of view on things I used to disagree with, and life is too short for me to get too wrapped around the axle about something written by a lesser advice columnist. So, with the non-apologetic apology it’s off to the letters.

I live in a condo that has a gym, which I frequent. Unfortunately, another gym rat in the building smells very bad. She might not care, or she might not even notice; I’m not sure. But the gym is small, and the stench is so unpleasant that it makes me cut my workout short. (We’re usually the only two there at the same time.) What’s the appropriate way to say something? Or should I just avoid confrontation and file a gentle complaint with the property manager?

Dear How do I Tell?  Do you want a condo war?  Because this is how you get a condo war.  The gym is one of the few parts of modern American life where the natural human funk can be reasonably expected to be tolerated.  I’m also impressed because you’ve managed to make something I thought was pretty sad: religiously working out at the apartment “gym” and make it even sadder.  Religiously working out at the apartment gym, and sharing it with someone who now really resents you.  I get it, some people can really get a good stink going on, or they might wear those fancy moisture-wicking fabrics which need a bit of extra cleaning to get the odor-causing bacteria out, or there might be some cultural differences in personal hygiene, or you could be frequenting the gym to spend 15 minutes on the ellipitcal’s lowest setting while she’s in there for an hour trying to find extra weight to put on the machines because they’re just not enough.  This is a conversation which has a 45-45 shot of either her being shamed into doing something to make her merely-normalish-stink or she goes to the mattresses on you.  The remaining 10% is that she either has a medical issue and she knows she stinks like that, which is why she uses the private gym where she lives and not a real gym, or she’s from France and you’re a racist for suggesting she stinks.

Well, the hard part is over. My boyfriend of two years and I are breaking up. It’s excruciating, because I love living with him. He is clean, polite, funny, a kick-ass cook, and handles conflict well. But that just makes it harder that he’s not very affectionate. He doesn’t share much of himself emotionally, or put his arm around me anymore, or initiate sex. I could almost have dealt with it, but when I told him I needed him to take sex more seriously or it would end the relationship, he didn’t make any changes.

Dear Breakup Lite, I’m really glad that you and your soon-to-be-ex have had such a mature break-up.  I know they’re hard, especially when they’re someone you care about, but when you’re incompatible on something as fundamental as… wait… I’m still reading your letter… wait… what… oh… oh no…. oh nonononononono honey… don’t tell me you… ohhhhhhhhhh.  Sweetie… listen… I really hate to be the one to break this to you, but your ex-boyfriend is going to make some other woman (or man, it’s 2018 afterall) very happy.  But your idea of “I’m going to let him go free to bang other people so he learns how to bang me better” is going to blow up in your face.  

I am a white woman married to a black man. We live in a mainly white town, and I grew up knowing racism was alive and well in our town. I have a few friends left from high school but have abandoned many due to their racist views. One of my friends, “Melissa,” has never said anything overtly racist in my presence, but every single man she has ever dated has been a racist who proudly shared his views on social media. She is now pregnant and is trying to reach out for support, as she is not with the father and doesn’t have many close friends or family. Meanwhile, she recently started dating another guy who posted racist comments on social media last week.

Dear Covert Racism, how hard-up for friends are you that you’ve remained friends with someone you think, covertly, is biased against your husband because of his race and are now trying to figure out how to exploit her desperation for support during a pregnancy where the father of the child has abandoned her to confront her about your your beliefs?  I mean, of all the ways “my racist friend dates racist men and she’s asking me for help,” could go I think I’m most surprised by “how do I explain to her that I think she’s racist?”  Are you going to blow off her request for support unless she recants?  Are you going to support her through her pregnancy regardless of her dating choices?  What sort of saint, or demon, decides “This chick is pregnant with another man’s baby, I’m going to date her,”?  But, you know what, one of my guiding principles as Dudence is that I answer the question asked.  And, to that end, you stop talking to Melissa about the racism of her boyfriends, but about how that makes her look to you.  You talk about how you condemn her boyfriends as racist, but you don’t talk about how you’ve told her that makes it look like she is one too by letting it slide.  Or, in her case, letting is slide in and out and in and out (OH!).  I’m sure the isolated pregnant lady will take your criticism to heart and will handle it with grace, aplomb, and will be thankful for your help.

I was a professional dancer for about six years before I was in a car wreck that ended my career. Since then I have married and now work at a nonprofit. I was contacted by a friend who introduced me to several gifted but underprivileged dance students. I saw myself in their talent and struggles. I have taken a few on as a personal instructor and coach. I do this on my own time and pay for it from my own pocket. When my sister-in-law heard I was teaching, she got it into her head that I should include her 7- and 8-year-old daughters for free because I am family. I told her no over the phone, and then she drove over with the girls in dance gear. I told her no again and refused to let her in the door. She threw a fit and since then has been blasting me over all social media and got the rest of my in-laws on her side.

Dear Private Lessons, your problem is ceding the narrative your sister-in-law.  Well, the root problem is your sister-in-law has an outrageous sense of entitlement, but let’s deal in tactics because it’s easier.  So now you are the selfish monster who isn’t willing to help your own kin while giving yourself freely to strangers.  You have two allies in this fight and it is time you called in whatever favor you have with them.  First, you say you’re close to your mother-in-law, and even if her discussion with you was supporting her daughter, it is a reasonable tone and there is room for discussion with her on it.  Explain to your mother-in-law your reasons for who and why you’re teaching.  If you need to embellish it a bit by over-stating the time commitment you’re making then do so.  Or, and I like this option, figure out how much you’d charge for the lessons you’re providing, increase it by 50% because that is the premium you charge to mix business and family, and then double that because your sister-in-law is a bitch and that’s your “bitch” surcharge, and inform her you’ll happily give your nieces lessons.  Do like Neil Gaiman and charge enough to make it worth your while.  Sorry, I got off on a tangent here.  So, back to your mother-in-law.  What you want to do is at least get her to see reason, understand your position, agree it’s a reasonable stance and that she’ll at least get the rest of the family to back off.  And if she doesn’t come around to your point of view you’re no worse off.  Your other ally, and the one you need to be willing to go nuclear, is your husband.  Is he so far off the grid he’s unable to get internet at all?  Because if he’s not you need to get him into whatever Facebook group your in-laws are using and tell them to shut the fuck up because this situation is not your fault; he supports you completely, and his sister is off the fucking path causing this drama.  

I have been involved with a man for almost a decade. He is wonderful to me, extremely loving and attentive, and even helps me with projects around the house. We see each other several times a week, vacation together twice a year, and have a great time when we are together. We plan a future together. The problem? He is married. His wife left him for another man, which is when we got involved. She came back after she was dumped by that guy and begged to be taken back. She promised she would be kinder to him and even get a job to help out around the house, but she didn’t. She mainly sits around the house and watches TV. My guy doesn’t kick her out because he has a heart of gold and she literally has no friends and nowhere else to go, and if they divorced she would get half of his net worth. Plus, he obviously has a lot of freedom.

Dear I Should Feel Bad, I don’t think you should feel bad about what you’re doing.  You’re not the one violating wedding vows after all.  I think you should feel a bit bad that you’re getting played like a fiddle.  You want to bang some married dude, you go on with your bad self.  You want to be some guy’s Nobody, you do you.  You want to be Linda Davis to Reba McEntire, it’s a free country.  But you need to do it aware of what you are, and I don’t think you are.  Being independent and self-sufficient doesn’t make you immune to played.  He has not spent 10 years married to this pathetic, friendless, helpless woman out of the kindness of his heart, nor out of fear of losing half his wealth.  Don’t feel bad that you’re someone’s mistress; it’s a position (snicker) with a glorious history.  Feel bad that you don’t recognize that you’re a side piece.

My sister-in-law cannot control her daughter “Ally.” Her father died a few years ago, and since then Ally has made it her mission to make everyone around her as miserable as possible. She started sleeping around at 13, had an abortion at 14, and got pregnant again at 15. She has no clue who the father is. She had the baby, only to abandon him and run away for a month. She has been suspended and failed so many classes that her education level is of a seventh-grader at 16.

Dear Niece my heart breaks at this story.  That there is the teasing possibility of a happy ending, but the knowledge that there are so very, very many ways it can go completely sideways, and it being a story with no villains.  So, let’s go ahead and get to answering your question.  First, you have to accept this might be a situation where you can’t get it through to your husband.  It’s his sister’s daughter; his own blood.  He could very well believe that he can be a moderating influence in Ally’s life, or, at the very least, alleviate some of the burden on his sister by taking some of the stresses she’s feeling off her plate.  So, after you’ve established for yourself whatever boundaries you need, and the consequences for violating them, I really think you only have one course of action.  You need to pull your spousal privilege card and say “no.”  You can make a rational appeal to your husband; Ally is just going to be able to get into different kinds of trouble, you’re not able to give her the support she needs, etc etc, but it’s running into a buzzsaw of a brother wanting to help his sister.  I don’t like that course of action because it’s got a high risk of, undeservedly, making you the bad guy.  But if your husband is otherwise set to do this then I don’t see any other option.  Now, if you’re open to being persuaded that Ally isn’t beyond help then may I suggest your husband goes to his sister and Ally for a bit and see what is going to be involved in taking her in, but in her own environment.  If your husband’s influence is going to be a positive in her life, it will be so whether she’s in her mother’s home or yours.  And, maybe, your husband getting some first-hand experience dealing with her in a guardian way will disabuse him of what he’s capable of offering, or will assuage you that it is a course of action which can work.  Regardless though I think it would be good for all parties involved for you to not write off a grieving child as hopelessly broken at 16.

I got pregnant as a teenager and gave the child up. The child is now grown and knows who I am. We don’t have much of a relationship; his family is his family. But that’s not exactly my problem. When the situation was fresh, I was quite open about it. However, as time has passed, and I’ve moved away from the friends that were close to me when the trauma was occurring, I have less desire to talk about my teen pregnancy and subsequent failure at parenting. As I’ve grown into myself, I’ve decided against starting a family. I haven’t told anyone about the child (now an adult) in almost a decade.  I’m in my late 30s now and am trying to date after taking many years to focus on myself. I’ve moved far away from “home,” started a new career, and am getting to a decent place. The problem is my naked body.

Dear Childless with Stretch Marks, have you tried banging doggy style?  Sorry, that was trite but it really was the first thing that came to mind when you said you don’t like exposing your abdomen during sex.  I’m really shocked that BadPru got through two paragraphs of response to you without once suggesting you see a therapist.  Because, honestly, it sounds like your situation is one where the services of such a professional would be valuable.  A very important part of a generally healthy life is being cut-off to you because of how you feel about something which transpired two decades ago.  This is an issue which calls for the help of someone with skills beyond “Failed Humor Website Founder” or “Dude Whose Muse is Hate-reading a Failed Humor Website Founder”.  You might might find that spending some of your cosmetic surgery money on someone who can help you deal with the emotional issues surrounding your feelings about yourself will go a long way to help you deal with the cosmetic issue the surgery was to address.  

[easternuniversity]

Men In Nursing: Bringing Unique Skills to the Profession

** excerpt from an article that first appeared in the Fall 2016 issue of Nursing Connections Magazine. To see the full piece, visit eastern.edu/nursing**

Darius Clemons (RN, BSN Cohort 71, Class of 2016)

Nursing was a second career choice for me. When I started my original undergraduate degree (Criminal Justice and Political Science), I never thought twice about the possibility of being a nurse. When graduation came closer, I considered where I wanted my life to go and what kind of career I could take on that pays well, has consistency, will always be in demand, and will positivily impact people around me. 

Nursing has been considered a woman’s profession, but times will always change and it is important that we do not fight change. My approach to nursing, however, is unique. Female nurses are some of the strongest, most influential intelligent, compassionate people  that I have ever met. I learned everything I know about nursing from female nurses. I have witnessed practice that I agree with, and disagree with from male and female nurses alike. 

Academically, Eastern taught me to care for the whole patient. As a cardiac catheterization RN, I tend to just focus on the heart and move patients in and out like a service line. Now, not only do I work on hearts, but I influence my teammates to remember that they are individuals on the table and not only does their heart need care, but the person does also. 

My advice to men is to be open-minded. Do not have an inferiority complex not matter who gives you advice or help. And for anyone who chooses nursing as a major, be ready to grow, be ready to change, ready to be challenged. 

David Herbetko (RN, BSN, CCRN Class of 2014)

It’s difficult to say why I chose nursing; however, I was most likely influenced by my brother, who is a nurse. He suggested nursing and after I worked in the operating room at Hahnemann Hospital, I knew my destiny. 

Being a male in the nursing field was a non-issue for me. Sure, the guys I was working with prior to school had their comments. Bu this made me prove them otherwise. Yet, the stigma is still there. I have patients say all the time, “Oh, you’re a male nurse.” My comment is always the same, “Well they wouldn’t let me be a female nurse!” This always breaks the ice. 

My approach to nursing is that I treat every patient as if they are my family member. Nobody is a VIP; everybody is a VIP. 

Eastern University’s RN to BSN program helped by reinforcing the holistic aspect to nursing. There is more to nursing than working eight hours, giving medications, and going home. People definitely respond better to an approach that lets them know you truly care. 

My advice to men who choose nursing is to ignore the comments that emerge from ignorance. 

Franklyn Kargbo (RN, BSN. Class of 2016)

Prior to entering the BSN2 nursing program, I was teaching basic life and vocational skills to children and adults with cognitive disorders. After six years, I developed the passion for caring for people who needed assistance. One of the nurses caring for the children said to me, “You would be a good nurse. Have you ever thought about it?” I went home and shared her comment with my wife who agreed. I then decided to pursue a career in nursing. 

The reason why I chose Eastern was because their program has a Christian focus. I believed, after graduation, I would be caring for my patients in a holistic manner and also applying the golden rule of “do unto others as you would like others to do unto you.”

I have witnessed male nurses at work and they have reinforced my belief that male nurses, like female nurses, can be good caregivers. In fact, last semester, during my community rotation, the nurse I shadowed was a male nurse whose extraordinary care to his patients in hospice care made me love the profession more. He embraced holistic care with all the patients we visited and used techniques such as massage, feet washing, aromatherapy, therapeutic touch, and communication. 

I will advise any man who wants to go into nursing to go for it. Nursing is a humble profession that needs both males and females working together in harmony for better patient outcomes. 

Justin Fox (BSN2 Student, Class of 2016)

Before entering the BSN2 program, I worked in human resources for a nonprofit company in Pittsburgh. I chose nursing because it fit well with my caring and nurturing personality.

Eastern’s program is providing me with the foundational knowledge base of skills I will need on the job. I am being exposed to different kinds of nursing specialties in clinical which will help me narrow down that field I want to enter. 

My advice for men considering nursing as a profession is as follows: First, TV medical shows are not realistic, and I would highly recommend shadowing a nurse for multiple 8 or 12 hour shifts to see what realities of a nurse’s job entail before deciding to pursue a degree. Second, being a male nurse requires a high level of emotional intelligence, interpersonal skills, and social awareness. There are a lot of intimate human interactions and emotional situations with patients and their families, and if you get uncomfortable around that sort of thing, this is not the job for you. 

Michael “MJ” Jordan (BSN2 Student, Class of 2017)

My interest in the healthcare field began in high school when I worked as an emergency medical technician. In college, I pursued biology and psychology and eventually found myself leaning toward animal behavior. After graduation, I worked at a facility as a dolphin and tiger trainer. I changed directions and entered the business world and moved quickly into a management role. However, successful as I was, I found myself missing the hands on interaction and care.

Nursing quickly came to the forefront of my interest since there are many avenues and options. I began working at Lankenau Medical Center as a Patient Care Technician (PCT) which has given me a direct insight into the profession itself. 

Eastern University is allowing me to gain the knowledge and confidence needed to achieve my goal. The art of nursing, and in particular our holistic nursing approach at Eastern, has opened my eyes to a healing of the entire patient- mind, body and spirit. As I get a better understanding of the nursing field, I find myself looking towards Masters programs and specializing my nursing skills. 

The only advice that I can give to men looking at the nursing profession would be to look at a hospital or facility and see the absolute need for more male nurses. Ultimately, I feel having men in nursing provides a better balance of care that is given to patients. One might say male nurses bring some yang to a heavily yin weighted profession.