#i wont point fingers to who made the post because this is not a debate or a witch hunt

[gilbirda]

saw another "i hate that anger management is so popular when there are more cool ships that everyone is sleeping on" childish tantrum post

and honestly?

grow up

and also be the change you want to see

make the damn content

and dont bring your shitty negativity to fandom spaces

[thegrapeandthefig]

Why personal devotion matters

(Listen to the audio version)

This week's post is a commentary of K. A Rask's article titled "Devotionalism, Material Culture, and the Personal in Greek Religion" published in Kernos, 29 in 2016 (you can read the whole thing here). 

This 15-page article explores the notion of personal devotion in Ancient Greece and highlights the issues of academia on the matter. Yet, this article unintentionally puts a finger exactly on what modern practitionners of the religion argue about. I won't be summarizing the whole thing, instead I will be using here only what I consider to be key notions. Thus, I encourage you to read the complete article yourself for the information I won't be covering.

1. Plato would disaprove of the way modern pagans worship

Because he already disaproved of the way his contemporaries did. The main issue here is the notion of reciprocity. When we look at the way the Ancients worshipped, we find an important presence of reciprocity (offerings to make a prayer happen and/or votives in thanks of said prayer). Plato knew that his contemporaries worshipped this way and absolutely despised it. To cite the article:

"For Plato, human overemphasis on reciprocity went beyond into the realm of asebeia (‘impiety’).  Furthermore, a major concern for Plato was the unmonitored and unsanctioned religious activity of individuals; he firmly supported institutional jurisdiction. Ostensibly this was because it was not possible to scrutinize para-institutional activity for religious incorrectness and it was thus a potential danger to the surrounding population at large. Undeniably, fear of divine repercussions resulting from the impiety of others is a recurrent theme in Classical discourse. Plato proposed laws to curtail individual religious autonomy, since he deeply distrusted, and was in fact rather exasperated with, personal religious activities of the type he describes thus: yet it is customary for all women especially, and for sick folk everywhere, and those in peril or in distress (whatever the nature of the distress), and conversely for those who have had a slice of good fortune, to dedicate whatever happens to be at hand at the moment, and to vow sacrifices and promise the founding of shrines to gods and demi-gods and children of gods; and through terrors caused by waking visions or by dreams, and in like manner as they recall many visions and try to provide remedies for each of them, they are wont to found altars and shrines, and to fill with them every house and every village, and open places, too, and every spot which was the scene of such experiences. (Laws 10.909e–910a)"

Sounds familiar? Have you ever turned to the gods in time of need? If you answered yes to this question, Plato disaproves. Needless to say, the practices Plato describes as impious here never stopped being practiced and if anything, became stronger over time. To the point where, today, personal worship is very much our only option.

2. Kharis is crucial to personal worship

That is, the relationship between the devotee and a deity. Kharis means "delight, pleasing thing" in the sense of a favor (see how it links back with the notion of reciprocity):

"The sense of reciprocity so evident in literature and epigraphical sources, however, often went beyond the ‘transactional’ towards exceptionally intimate and sentimental attachments."

The author uses Sappho and Aphrodite as an example here, but one could argue that the relationship between Aelius Aristide and Asclepius is of a similar nature. That being said, this is something most, if not all, modern practitionners experience. Geniune affection between a deity and a devotee is something we have traces of in the sources:

"Equally close were those gods who came in dreams, described hovering at the shoulders of the dreamers with gentle smiles; in inscriptions, they were parastatai, gods who ‘stood beside’ their worshippers. Not only were such interactions marked by genuine affection, but there could be a physical aspect as well, with the divine figure touching the human figure with a hand. Anja Klöckner comments, “the closeness of the human-divine encounter finds its clearest expression when a god touches humans."

This way of approaching the relationship between deity and worshipper makes it that we find in the people's worship things that a philosophical approach to the gods doesn't accept. Mainly, showing your discontentment with a god when a prayer hasn't been answered to by ignoring the deity. On a larger scale, this also happened in response to tragic events where worshippers thought they were being punished or smiten by the gods.

What Plato addresses when trying to regulate personal worship comes from the fact that the presence of priesthood is not necessary for worship:

"Abundant evidence reveals, however, that on many occasions individuals were capable of accessing sacred powers on their own, without institutional interference or mediating figures. Instead, people might set their own terms of engagement with invisible powers."

The authors gives several examples but it comes down to the idea that personal worship was free by nature. They did not necessitate a priest or an institution to sacrifice to a god or a hero, they had their own religious routine which could vary from a person to another and the participation to certain rites could be a matter of personal choice.

This makes the religious structure outside of the city-regulated rite very diverse, as we can see here:

"Yet men and women kept holy figures close and present in a variety of ways, beyond the clearly defined confines of sacred space. Images of the gods travelled with humans in the form of rings, seals, and other amulets, while the gods could be called upon whenever humans needed assurance, regardless of where they might be. Prayer seems to have occurred in all manner of locales, since “it was perfectly possible to pray on one’s own wherever one happened to be.”"

I'll summarize this point with this: the emotional engagement and intimacy between worshipper and deity is not a "modern pagan concept", contrarily to what some who have only read philosophy will tell you. The way the ancients experienced divinity through personal worship is actually not too far off from what modern worshippers experience today.

3. Devotional activities have always existed.

This post is getting long, so I will keep my commentary to the minimum:  

"Many of the examples just presented showcase religious experiences that occur outside of the public stage or in moments that are not highly ritualized in the manner often associated with festivals, processions, and explicitly monitored situations. While women, men, and children negotiated and developed relationships with divinities in a way that was directly relevant to their own personal affairs, they also publicly declared their devotion and great affection for sacred figures. Beyond traditional votives, one could honor the gods through other media and expressions, such as labor or storytelling, whether verbally or visually. [...] I argue that one could show one’s devotion not just with material offerings but with the work (and results) of one’s own hand. Daily maintenance of shrines is a prime example of personal piety without overtly public, communal, or formalized elements. [...] His establishment of a garden also served as an offering. Cultivating gardens in shrines physically and materially manifested affection; the garden’s maintenance, as a form of repeated devotional activity, deserves much greater study."

I’ve made important cuts here so I urge you to go look at the article but I hope this gets my point across. I’m well aware that academia has not treated personal religious experiences with the same attention and study as official city religion and philosophical debates but it is necessary for us, as modern worshippers, recon or not, to pay attention to what was actually done by our predecessors. Not just what they wrote. 

[babysizedfics]

4!!!

-🍼

vee shows michael her pacis

vote from this concept voting post!

so its the first time michael has visited the house since vee told him about her regression. he was super supportive and understanding - honestly it made a lot of sense given what he had seen of her behaviour

and michael reassured her that he was okay with it all and that she can regress with him if she wants to. so before michael visits, vee purposefully doesnt hide any of the little items around her room as she had done every time he visited previously

and when michael comes in he sees the sanrio and winnie the pooh colouring books on her bed. he just smiles and asks if she was doing colouring before he got there

vee gets a bit shy because its so much more real to have him actually talk abt it openly, and she just shakes her head, blushes and starts to chew her nail

michael obviously notices her nervousness so he doesnt push anythinf and they just sit down on the bed to watch a cartoon - michael isnt into kids shows rlly but hes been watching steven universe with vee recently

and eventually vee notices michaels gaze has wandered during the show and hes looking at the bedside table - she looks and goes rlly red because she FORGOT that she left out a couple of pacis,

she looks up at michael kindve scared that hes gonna think its weird but he just gives her a soft little look and whispers "do you wanna show me them?"

vee squeaks and quickly hides her head behind his shoulder and he giggles "its okay we dont have to" and goes back to watching the screen

but vee is chewing her lip and fidgeting with michaels sleeve and then after some internal debate and a lot of nervousness she tugs his sleeve

so michael looks down at vee and she just,, points to the pacis silently

michael nods "yeah kitty, i saw the pacifiers. did you wanna show me them?"

and hes sounds kind, michael is always so kind, that she nods rly shy but clings to his arm tighter, not moving to pick the pacis up.

so michael reaches over and picks both of them up and puts them gently in her lap,

her fingers go to the lilac sparkly one instanty and turn it over in her hand and michael prompts "is that your favourite one? its definitely your favourite colour"

and vee just smiles and feels less shy and "um yea.. i think so.... but- but um i like all of them really..."

and she tells mimi abt all the different colours she has and how nice they feel in her mouth and she even mentions that she uses them when big sometimes for anxiety - she flips the dark blue one over to show him the clear teat and explains that one is better for chewing. thats why she has two next to her all the time so if shes little she goes for the softer cloudy teat and if shes big and anxious she uses the firmer clear one and it helps her breathe slowly

michael is actually super impressed and curious about that "oh! oh like oral stimming! like the chewy necklaces!" and vee smiles "yeah!"

then the convo abt the pacis goes quiet and vee is leaning against him and fiddling with the lilac paci in her lap, smiling softly down at it

then suddenly michael asks, sounding almost shy "kitty? can i maybe... ask you something?"

vee feels her heart stutter. she gets rlly nervos and her eyes tear up in a second because oh no hes uncomfortable he thinks its weird he's gonna ask me to never show him little stuff again oh no

she rlly quiet goes "mhm" and braces herself

then mimi asks rlly sweetly "can i maybe see you with it in? its okay if not i just kinda wanna see..."

vees cheeks quickly go hot and she pulls back a little to look up at him and check his facial expression

he's smiling a little shyly. "i promise its not because i wanna laugh or anything i just... i dunno i just wanna see, i think itll be cute" and hes a bit blushy

vee is completely thrown off by michael actually wanting to see her use her paci but,,, she hesitates then RLLY quickly puts the paci in her mouth and hurriedly covers her face with both hands

mimi giggles and says "aww vee, its ok! but i cant see you" and he rlly gently puts his hands on top of vees and she doesnt react badly so he pulls them away from her face and chuckles "hello kitty!"

at the nickname she slowly looks up at him and is sucking the paci noticeably now to help with the nerves. its bobbing in her mouth and shes blushing and her eyes are wide and michaels face instantly lights up and he coos "AWWW KITTY 💖" really gushing and adoring

vee breaks into a big big smile behind her paci and she squeaks and buries her head on michaels shoulder again as he tells her "vee oh my gosh, you look even cuter than I thought!"

"nooo mo mo" vee giggles embarrassed, itching to crawl into mimis lap but theyve never done that before so she just settles for wiggling her butt on the bed and pulling her skirt down to make sure mimi can't see her pullup

"yes yes! youre so pretty kitty~" michael says really baby talky and pokes her cheek softly (he knows she loves being called that) (she squeals a little)

michael doesnt draw too much attention to vee after that, after the little blushy giggle fit he asks her if she is regressed and she takes her paci out to say she isnt, if she was regressed she wouldnt be able to talk or really sit up on her own

so michael asks more about how she uses the pacis as a grownup for anxiety. and after talking about it they both simultaneously pause then go...

"do you think you might wanna try?"

"do you think it would make me calm?"

and then they both giggle and vee hands the dark blue paci to michael smiling rlly big and her chest is bubbly with excitement because mimi is making this feel so NORMAL and fun!

and thats why when patton walks into vee's room twenty minutes later with snacks and appl mango juice, he is greeted with the image of vee sucking her sparkly lilac paci and having fallen asleep on michaels shoulder, and michael just scrolling on his phone and spinning the blue paci in his mouth

patton actually immediately whisper apologizes, he thought that michael would be embarrassed and that it was meant to be a secret

but michael isnt embarrassed at all, he asks through the paci "oh hi pap! are bose cookiebs?"

pat nods and places the snacks on vee's desk then quietly asks if michael regresses too (he was totally ready to adopt btw lol)

but michael just laughs and takes the paci out and is like "nah i just wanted to see what it feels like but i dont think theyre for me. kitty sure looks cute with them though"

then he looks down and smiles at sleepy vee whos just blinking awake and she asks rlly quiet and high pitched "wh- mimi?" through her paci

michael giggles and looks rlly softly down at vee as he pokes her nose "im still here, kitty. you fell asleep"

and vee sighs and buries her face against his arm and suckles on her paci more

michael laughs and wiggles his arm to get her to stop faling asleep "vee no cmon your dad brought snacks! i wanna eat, get off"

and of course that makes vee cheeky and she wraps both arms tightly around mimis arm and closes her eyes as if she's asleep but shes smiling mischievously behind her paci

"nooo im hungry" "im theepy!" "no youre not sleepy you were already sleeping!" "till theepy" "youre not, youre hungry" "nop hungy" "YOU ARE im speaking it into existence your so hungry right now" "nooo thtop it!" "no i wont stop you are LITERALLY starving you want a cookie so so bad right now, you want a chewy sweet cookie and nice cold apple mango juice" .... "arrghhh now i wan cookieth and juith!" "hahahha"

and patton just watches on with the softest smile because hes so happy vee found such a wonderful supportive friend

[naptoons]

Triggered-Joel Pimentel

warnings: Sexual Content, Cheating,Mild Language, Alcohol reference.

Theme: Angst

A/N: this is a part two of story of us , this is requested by @cncogirl18 ! i hope it’s great and it meets your request!. Read the first part here!

joel and i have been getting more and more distant for the past 2 years. sometimes i blame it all on tour, sometimes i blame it all on maybe he’s cheating. maybe hes fallen out of love with me. but to be honest i blame it all on me. i pushed him away because im not ready for the limelight. im not ready for the flashing cameras and gosspi pages. most dont even know what i look like, they just thought i was a fanpage commenting under his posts all the time. some he didnt respond to so it didnt look so obvious.it’s been on my mind all day, even my friends noticed it, urging me to go home and talk to him about it. but i cant. maybe  cant because im afraid of the answer.

 leaning back in my chair picking at the peeling skin on my thumbs. debating going to joel’s apartment or heading to the party richard invited me to for his daughter. i might as well go home first, maybe get a nap. getting up from the chair, i grab my keys to his aprtment, heading for the door.

arriving at his apartment i walk in the house,hearing the noise of heavy breathing and muffled moans. the grunts that only i would know. but apprantly im not the only one whom knows it. biting the bullet of crying, i walk towards the living room dropping the keys in the bowl. after today i dont think i wanna come back. walking past the room to the bathroom i hear the voice of someone farmilar.

“i told you, you never loved her, you’d come back to me papi” emlila swoons him in, joel sighs with his feet shuffling against the carpet “why cant you admit it?!” she yells at him “she is nobody anyways why do you care so much?” feeling anger in my broken heart i swing the door open, gritting my teeth against my jawline, the atomsphere turning colder than stone.

“yeah joel, im fucking nobody” i choke through my clogged airways

“baby-” cutting him off i smack his hand away from my frame, i grab my back packing all of things “bre listen it didnt mean anything!” his voice breaking and pleading to get my attention, joel grabs my arm but i push him back making him hit the edge of the dresser groaning in immersed pain. but i feel no remorse.

“if it meant nothing why the fuck did you do it?!” i yell through the tears, i tried to be strong. to not cry in front of him. he didnt deserve my tears, he didnt deserve anything from me at this moment. “get the fuck away from me joel, i never want to see your fucking face ever again” grabbing my packed bag i place it on my shoulders before stepping out the room, i look back at emailia to see her smiling.

“you think you have everything right now, but if he did this to me, what makes you think he wont do it to you?” i pour my venom on her, her smile slowly falling flat and changing into anger “misery loves company, i hope you guys are miserable together karma is a bitch” with my words i feel my shoulders become lighter, running downstairs i hear joel yelling my name behind me, getting to the front door i slam it behind me getting in my car.

“what a fucking fool i am” i breathe out “thinking we could ever be something, neither of us was ready” i grab my phone calling lunay as i back out of his driveway, the tears begin to roll down my cheeks clouding my vision all i can see if dots of red and white lights.

“hola mami” lunay’s voice hones in on my ears. insatly my voice cracks trying to keep it together, i just break down and cry gripping the steering wheel as my knuckles drain the blood from them. “hey bre are you okay? where are you?”

wiping my face i inhale heavily “joel cheated on me” i let out “can i come over?” i ask, before hearing the answer all that fills my ears is the skid of tires on the road, and the reverb of a collision. The vision I once had colored like a void.

Pitch dark.

Opening my eyes to the angelic light, I groan as it burns my cornea, covering them with my fingers I sigh heavily. “Welp I guess that’s a sign to use night mode” I let out, slowly regaining my eyesight looking over at a puzzled wreck of a cousin. Smiling slightly I reach for his hand “hey, what’s got you so tangled up Charlotte?”

“You’ve been unconscious for three weeks, that’s what, and get a better joke that was corny” Christopher smiled slightly at the end, but I could tell that smile was fake. “And I’m wondering should I kill someone” his voice taking the form of malice.

“If you were to do that you couldn’t see your precious cousin” I smile followed by his scoff “wouldn’t say precious” he insults me. Lunay walls into the room sighing of relief “wow, did y’all really think I was going to die?” I laugh “y’all had no hope for me huh? What a sha...” getting my sentence cut off by his hug around my neck, I smile softly my fingers rubbing his back. “Hey you” I let out. He must’ve been so worried.

Lunay has been taking care of me for a whole month. I had to go to recovery, I lost a little bit of feeling in my legs so I started walking little by little, they also recalled my brain is a little fuzzy prior three minutes before the crash. Sadly it didn’t make me forget I got Joel cheating on me. With the girl who tried to break us up even before a label. I guess she got what she wanted. I haven’t seen or heard from Joel since that day. Part of me wants to reach out. But another part says “fuck him he pushed you away” tapping on the bow empty cereal bowl I hear the chunks of shoes hitting the floor.

“Aye mami, you okay?” Lunay rubs my shoulders, moaning at the tension in my body I nod my head slightly “are you sure? I’m here for you if you need a shoulder to cry on”

“Hm no I’m tired of crying, I’m moving on now”

“Aye nena! That’s right, you can do better” he encourages me. Lunay was throwing a party at his house tonight for a celebration on winning an award. I joined in even though Lunay told me I didn’t have to I just couldn’t be soaking in my sadness. It’s not going to fix anything so what’s the point of moping? Grabbing the drink on the counter I gulp it in one shot feeling it burn down my throat rapidly. Every cnco member was here but Joel. Made me wonder is he trying to avoid me? Why should he? He cheated on me he shouldn’t have any shame he knew what he got himself into. He shouldn’t have any shame it’s what he wanted anyways.

Drinking down another shot Richard furrows his eyes at me smiling I wave at him “what’s up Richard? You scared to drink?” I ask him

“Scared of you drinking, I don’t think you’re in the right headspace to be drinking nena” his lips fall in a flat line leaning against the counter, grabbing the bottle of liquor I grab my red solo cup this time.

“I think I’m just fine, I can’t sit around here and fucking waste my time in being sad, it’s been a whole month Richard, im fine” I crack open the cranberry juice to fuse with the liquor. “So stop worrying about me okay?”

“I’m worried about the both of y’all, hoping neither of you collapse first” Richard mumbles while walking away, I wanna ask him what that was about but I’m stopped by Lunay. With the biggest smile on his face.

“Hey? You good having fun?”

“Never better! Let’s dance” grabbing his hand with my left I sip with my right, everyone was bumping and grinding on their designated partner. Everyone here was having a great time. No one had a mask on themselves. Drinking, smoking falling in love in his backyard. Five cups down and the world was spinning. Taking off shoes and dancing on tables. I was dancing it away.

The pain away. Fuck it still hurt.

But there’s always three sides to a story.

His. Mine. And the side neither of us talked about.

Giggling on the couch I lay my head on christopers shoulder “hey cousin how are you?” I slur followed by a hiccup “I haven’t seen you since the hospital what are you up to these days?” My face felt hot and was probably showing hues of red. Maybe even pink.

“Babysitting two broken people is what” Christopher groans, he was rarely serious so this caught me off guard. Being to drunk to even ask I hug him.

“Aye, there’s no use in worrying, you gotta have a hurricane before the rainbow, I’ll be okay I promise”

“I hope so, we don’t want any more collateral damage” he hums in my ear.

The party was over and I watched as the few people that stayed over, Lunay was cleaning up trash until he saw me laying in the couch. “Mami, go to bed, or would you like me to drive you home?”

“Id rather not be alone” I mumble, almost throaty, suppressing the cries I want to let out. I can’t I’m done crying. I’ve been doing it for a whole month.

“Hey” he bends down to my level, running the pads of his thumb on my cheek “you’re never alone I promise” his eyes twinkled in love, I’m feeling the same way I did towards Joel. How can this be true? Have I moved on that quick?

Richard went back to Joel’s apartment, just as he was about to knock on the door, emailia opens it, her face showing signs of panic. “Wheres joel?” She asks

“And you think I would tell you? Plus that’s why I’m here to see was he here” Richard smugly answers

“So wait, hes not with you?” emailia asks

“Nope” Richard grabs his phone dialing his number, but to his demise it goes straight to the voicemail. Richard mumbling a soft curse word under his breath. “His phone is off”

“Oh my god fuck” she paces while chewing on her thumb, Richard looks at her with no sympathy but he just knew his mind had to ask.

“So what lie did you tell him hm?” emailia turns around on her heels looking back at him dumbfounded

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me I didn’t stutter, Joel is completely and utterly in love with bre, what did you say?!” Richard snaps are her, feeling Christopher pull him back slightly, “rich calm down”

“I didn’t tell him anything! He told me he felt bre was fading from him, and the more he tried the more she pulled, all I said was maybe she found someone else”

“Then took his sadness as your advantage to comfort him” Richard spits, walking away slowly

“You know damn well I love him!”

“If you did he wouldn’t be in this situation” Richard mumbles before getting in the car. “So? How are we going to find Joel?”

“We can’t, he’s been so secretive lately. Who knows where he is, the only thing I can think of is just wait for band practice or for him to come home” Richard sighs heavily “this is a fucking hurricane”

The bright sun beams on my eyelashes, squirming I feel a arm wrapped around my waist and the feeling of a chin in my shoulder. Slowly lifting the covers I gaze upon our naked bodies entwined together. Sighing and softly cursing to myself I sink my head deeper in the pillow.

Lunay and I hooked up.

Drunk hookup.

Slowly getting up from the bed I grab my clothes putting them on one by one. Until a hear a husky groan “good morning” he mumbles, my luck. Smiling I make it back to the bed sitting in front of him.

“Good morning” I whisper back

“How you feeling?” He asks

Embrassed.regretful.sad.

“Good, I had a good sleep”

“I imagine so” he jokes, getting up from the bed slowly “look bre, I don’t wanna be your rebound, I know this is the worst timing but, I’ve had a crush on you for the longest, and seeing how broken you are hurts me” freezing at his sudden words I looking down at the my tangled up fingers, “I want you to find what you mean to yourself, I want you to fix yourself, even if that means talking to him again”

“Lunay, I can’t even look him in the eyes and not want to cry”

“So? Isn’t better than wondering and drinking alcohol, not to mention losing your mind not knowing what to do” Lunay grabs my hand kissing my knuckles softly “bre, you deserve love okay? Don’t think that there won’t be someone out there for you”

Nodding my head I decided to face him head on. To talk about the problems I’ve never discussed.

Arriving at Joel’s apartment my stomach drops in depths. Never thought I’d come back here. Having ptsd just by looking at the snowflake walls, the way his plants on his patio are slowly decaying. He really isn’t doing to well just like me. Why is this so hard on him? I’m the one that should be triggered.

Knocking on the door I wait for his answer, the door swings open, smelling like a strand of weed. “Richard I told you-” his sentence is cut off by the sight of my eyes glued in his. “What are you doing here?”

“To talk” I answer

“What is there to talk about, I made you look stupid” Joel sighs

“yeah you’re fucking right you made me look like a fool, but I can’t blame you, maybe I pushed you towards that resort, not saying what you did was okay, but maybe the way I treated you inflicted this” I sigh leaning against the wall “can I come in?”

Joel opens the door for me to come in, closing the door behind me I see the mess his living room is in, I see the empty beer bottles and burned out half blunts. The edibles wrappers over the floor. Looking back at joel I see his hand is wrapped in a gauze. What has he been going through? I grab a bag as I start picking up his trash, “no it’s okay I’ll clean it up” Joel suggests but I grab his hand leading him to the couch.

“Let me help you, let someone help you okay? We gotta stop shoving people out” I stammer through my tears. Finish with cleaning up the mess, Joel and I sit on opposite sides of the couch.

“I’ve had two boyfriends in my lifetime, and when it got past two years, shit just started going downhill, one was abusive and one was a pathological liar and a drug addict” I start off, Joel’s eye filling to the brim with water, with just one touch they would pour down his lips. “It’s tiring opening and closing parts of me just to repeat the cycle, and when you cheated on me, I just saw you as the rest, I yelled at you and blamed you, I claimed you ruined everything, I wanted to fight you guys both, knowing she’d probably sue me or charged me with battery”

“In that heat of the moment I was willing to catch a case for it, cause you know me, when I get mad I get big mad, weeks after my accident I was going to call you, maybe even text you but I couldn’t, when I typed on the bubble I Tried my hardest not to disrespect you After what you did, man, what you expected?” My eyes looking at the tearful golden boy, his cheeks and nose were pink, so was his ears, glistening cheeks swelling up at the minute.

“I felt so Triggered, when I hear your name but also I was Triggered, because I am not okay, I was getting drunk partying hooking up with people all because I still missed you, Of our memories All you meant to meAll that history All that's history” my fingers trembling to grab his hand, caressing my thumb over his.

“But ain't no me and you without you in it, so I just wanna say I’m sorry, I pushed you away and made you feel like I didn’t love you, because I now know I do, I really do love you joel” the tears now falling out of his eyes, mirroring mine in the same gesture.

“I’m sorry too, I should’ve never talked to her about our problems, I should’ve came to you, but it isn’t your fault, I was the one who decided to have sex with her in our bed, no matter what I should’ve came and talked to you” Gravelly his voice echos the room, pulling him towards me, I wrap my arms around his head, letting him sob into my hoodie. As I begin to cry along with him.

“We’re both you blame, all we needed was to communicate” my wobbly voice whispers on his ear. “I accept your apology Joel, just promise we won’t run away from each other” feeling his body stop shuttering his head pulls out hovering over me.

“Yeah, I won’t run unless you promise to not run, and let’s better ourselves” Joel sniffs

“I’m not going anywhere, maybe someday we’d could be something more than friends again, you have my heart joel. We just need to fix ourselves before becoming one, but I don’t mind taking it slow with you”

“No labels? Just chilling?”

“Yeah” I smile caressing his face “slow burns”

“Slow burns”

[rxcusant]

i hastily wrote out a weird vent drabble thing with vanitas the other night and i debated on letting it collect dust or posting it but since im here i think the answer is obvious gfdjhk  enjoy this weird post kh3 thing, or dont, i wont tlel you what to do

also emetophobia tw

_________________________

     It’s disgusting.      Like some hideous creature from a nightmare.      Utterly revolting and rotting.      It’s disgusting.

     Vanitas never considered himself human. He knew he was an abomination. This form was perfect for him. Ghost-like with wisps of darkness constantly wafting off his body like smoke. Two sharp glowing red eyes that looked less like eyes and more like beady orbs. He didn’t have a mouth, not a normal one, but rather the inky mass of darkness split in a gooey mess that gave way to a mouth. Pulsing bright red veins encompassed his body all stemming from the familiar heart pattern on his torso. In place of normal fingers were elongated sharp claws tipped the same shade of red.

     There wasn’t anything human about him. This is what a monster should look like.

     But it’s no good if he doesn’t continue to play the part of a monster. Monsters are fit for scaring little children sleeping in their beds. Awaiting good dreams that will never come. What better target than the boy he’s forced to share a heart with? What better use for those claws than to sink into his dreams and stain them black with nightmares? What better use for a monster who breaks everything they touch?

     It’s not just his dreams either. A real monster will continue to pick and pull apart leaving scars in their wake. Sora’s scars were emotional and mental as Vanitas day in and out terrorizes him. It’s thanks to him that Vanitas is stuck under Xehanort’s thumb again. If Sora hadn’t been so stupid and played right into enemys hands none of this would be happening! As Vanitas reminds him every day. You’re stupid. You’re a fool. You’re going to fade into nothing as every trace of you is erased by Xehanort. There won’t be anything left to save. 

     If Sora never became their vessel Vanitas wouldn’t have to look like such a hideous creature. If Sora never became their vessel Vanitas would’ve continued sleeping in the depths of his heart. He wouldn’t have to wake up and live with the constant negativity. He wouldn’t have to listen to Master Xehanort. He wouldn’t have to exist.

     It’s all his fault.

     It’s disgusting.

_________________________

      He woke with a sharp gasp and hands around his throat. Wide eyes trained on the ceiling that he wasn’t sure he recognized at first. Amid heavy breathing Vanitas waited for his eyes to adjust and for his heart to stop pounding to realize it’s Ven’s room. 

      Swallowing hard he turned his head to the side to see none other than Ven sleeping beside him. the blonde had the same peaceful expression he must’ve had for the past decade- not that Vanitas would know, being trapped within Sora’s heart the whole time- and it vexed Vanitas to know even when in his sleep Ven had it easier. But he didn’t have it in him to continue that train of thought.

     Slowly the memories pieced themselves back together. He jumped into Ven’s bed mainly to piss him off (and snicker whats yours is mine with a cheeky grin) but it backfired when Ven groaned and crawled in to sleep anyway. It wouldn’t be the first time they shared a bed and it wouldn’t be the last. And Vanitas would never admit it aloud but the only place he could sleep properly was next to his other half. Chalk it up to a natural harmony between the halves of their shared heart. He’d rather that than hurting himself to the point of exhaustion or simply not sleeping at all. Vanitas personally preferred the latter but neither Ven or the new replica body wouldn’t let him pull any more all nighters.

     Sitting up in bed Vanitas pulled his knees close and just breathed. In, one two three. He was in Ven’s room with Ven beside him. Out, one two three. He’s not trapped in Sora’s heart who’s trapped in the Organization with Xehanort watching over them. In, one two three. He’s safe.

     ...Safe. What did that even mean for someone like him?

     Out, one two three.

     What right did he have to a comfortable life like this? Vanitas tried to take down Ven and his friends multiple times-- with no guilt or remorse either. On top of that he actively contributed to making Sora’s life a living hell in the Organization. He knew deep down inside nobody wanted him around. They would rather him dead than sleeping safe and sound in their home.

     Maybe Vanitas would rather that too.

     Gritting his teeth Vanitas buried his face into his hands. In, one two. Out, one two. In, one. Out, one. This isn’t working, it’s useless. What was the point in pretending he could ever be like the rest of them? He’s disgusting, a vile creature. A monster had no right to sleep soundly like the children they’re meant to scare.

     Said children should stay asleep. Ven stirred and cracked open his eyes. “...Vanitas?” He said groggily. He blinked slow and only seemed partially aware of Vanitas hyperventilating. 

     He didn’t want to look at Ven, not right now. But if he didn’t do or say something Ven would only start interrogating him. So Vanitas picked his head up and stared down into his palms. For a moment it’s alright. The black hands giving way to long claws was normal. He got used to staring at them from within Sora’s heart.

     It’s remembering he’s not inside Sora’s heart anymore that startled him to the point of falling off the bed. 

      With a thud Vanitas hit the ground and let out a grunt. It wasn’t particularly painful, as if pain could phase him anymore, and he sat back up after the impact. Which was a bad idea as his stomach immediately protested with a gross churning that sent an unpleasant vibe up his throat. Almost suffocating. Ven made some kind of confused yet concerned noise but that was far from Vanitas’s mind. He knew his feeling and he would rather die than let Ven see what was coming.

      A cough pushed past his lips and Vanitas forced himself to keep it down another moment, slapping a hand over his mouth. He got to his feet and ran out the door with Ven calling out behind him. Normally so precise and calculated Vanitas was running without care for whereever he ended up so long as he was out of sight. Or that’s the idea, as he was only allowed enough time to run by the mercy of the darkness bubbling at his core. And the running only further agitated said core. 

     Vanitas succeeded in making it down the hallway and to a set of stairs but that’s when the awful sensation decided it couldn’t wait any more. He barely reached the stairs, much less going down them, before falling to his hands and knees. He let out a strangled choke as black ooze poured from his mouth and onto the flooring. A few stray drops splattered onto his hands and clothing but that’s hardly a thought or concern in his mind. Vanitas gave a few more coughs  to bring up any leftover black gunk until he deemed the moments passed. Now there was a void in his stomach and an unpleasant light headed feeling.

     And a pair of red eyes blinking back at him in the messy darkness. 

     Much like hallucinating the return of his claws, that’s normal at first too.

     The darkness slowly begun to rise and shape into an Unversed. The void in his stomach was replaced by a sick repulsion and Vanitas acted upon instinct. Balling his fists he smashed the shape back down into the ground. Stringy and drippy darkness latched onto his hand but Vanitas paid it no mind. He kept punched and bashing the darkness in until the red eyes were completely obliterated. But he didn’t stop then. Not for the ringing traveling up his arm each time his fist impacted, not for the sob wrenched free of his throat, not for the heavy tears spilling.

      Break, destroy, tarnish, it’s all he can do. He’s disgusting. A filthy creature. No normal person vomited up monsters. An abomination at his very core and that would never ever change--!

      “--itas! Just- stop, stop it!”

      There came another hand wrapping around his own. It didn’t do much to stop him from punching the ooze at first but after the first four times they managed to wrangle Vanitas out of his hunched position and keep him from pummeling any more craters. Vanitas let out a snarl and instinctively reared his head back to bash whatever was disturbing him in the middle of his breakdown. Can’t they let him wallow in peace?

      His head connected with the person but that wasn’t enough to stop them. In fact they only tightened their hold on him and pulled him closer, mumbling different words that didn’t yet reach Vanitas’s ears. However Vanitas did see a white checkered wristband and that alone brought forth a confusing surge of emotions. Knowing Ven was there made everything simultaneously better and worse. Better because if anyone in the castle had to witness his breakdown he would rather it be Ven over Terra and Aqua. Worse because Ven witnessed him in the middle of a breakdown.

     It was obvious Ven wasn’t going to let go so long as he would fight back so Vanitas gave up trying to struggle and just let himself go limp with a defeated sigh. Ven hesitated, likely waiting if this was a fakeout, but when Vanitas didn’t move Ven released him and shifted to the side. He tried making eye contact with his other half but Vanitas didn’t take his gaze off the smashed pile of dark ooze.

      He wanted to ask what happened. That was the obvious question here. But Vanitas refused to look at him much less try to talk. Ven’s eyes traveled to the dark patch on the floor, Vanitas’s hand, and a small trickle of darkness in the corner of his mouth. Didn’t take long for Ven to piece it all together. He let out a faint oh and his hand settled over his mouth, looking at Vanitas with such sad eyes that any other time he would’ve growled at him for. Don’t look at me with such pity.

     “...I-- Vanitas…” Ven trailed off, grasping for the right words. Did the right words for this even exist? What could someone possibly say? Nothing. Monsters didn’t deserve sweet honeyed words of it’s okay, I still care about you. They would only be lies. Words didn’t exist for such a disgusting creature as him.

      But words never came. Ven’s eyebrows furrowed together as he seemed to realize what the other was thinking. He took a moment to weigh what he was about to do, and the consequences whether or not they be more thrashing or insults, before he embraced Vanitas. He held him tight and buried his face into his shoulder. Vanitas could just make out Ven’s uneven breath on his skin.

     Immediately Vanitas wanted to protest. He already didn’t like being touched and an invasion of personal space right after vomiting an Unversed on top of a nightmare was way too much for him. He wanted to make his displeasure known, say or do something, but the words got confused on his tongue and his limbs were frozen. Get away, it’s for your own good, I’ll only hurt you! I break, I destroy, I don’t want to hurt you!

     Neither word or action came. Nothing but heavy tears. The last thing he ever wanted to do was cry in front of Ven but…

     But it’s okay this once since Ven can’t see. He already saw more than Vanitas ever wanted him too. This moment was for the two halves only, momentarily coming together in reassurance. Saying the right words without needing to vocalize them.

     I’ve got you.

[go-diane-winchester]

The

Excuse the finger error on the heading.  Not important anyway. 

Doll face sent this wonderful observation that I didn't even realize.

''In response to your thing about Castiel - I feel ya. You can argue and debate till you’re blue in the face but it won’t make a difference. The stans only hear what they wanna hear. S1,2,3 remain my favourite seasons of the show and probably 3 of the most successful seasons overall. It was the brothers against the world. All this repetitive angel BS wasn’t a factor. It was dark and twisty and the SL was consistent. It didn’t need Castiel to be what it was and never has done.''

I agree with this but it reminds me of something Jared said in the earlier panels.  He said, although he was humble enough to take any job.  He wanted to do something that was not campy.  She is right.  The tone and texture of SPN was gritty and real.  There was feeling of ''This has happened somewhere.  We just don't know about it''.  I am also forgiving of the fourth and fifth season because those stories were congruent with the previous seasons.  The story was still focused on the brothers.  They were the front and center of the story.  And the big bad story was intertwined with their story.  It was not like the stories that came after season 5, that had nothing to do with them. 

Plus, despite the inclusion of humor in the story, there was no moment that made you scrunch your forehead and go ''what the???''.  The humor, on many occasions, made sense.  That is why, once upon a time, people were crazy about the shifter.  Every time this creature appeared on screen, something  interesting happened.  From St. Louis to the Monster Movie episode, to Changing Channels.  Even if it was funny, that was fine, because the shifter was a buffer.  You could blame the meagre amount of silliness on him and the silliness was not insulting to a viewer.  Other than the oversensitive stans, most people thoroughly enjoyed the episodes.

Then the Gamble era ended, and even the humor got pathetic.  Dean's humor, especially, has gotten ludicrous over the years.  Dean is a lot of funny things, but he is clumsy and stupid.  Eating pie messily, getting out of the wrestling ring clumsily , it was all too much.  Jensen, himself, said that Scooby Dooby Doo line he had to say was mortifying.  I remember watching that scene with the dumb ascot [whhyyy???] and cringing.  Remember when Dean was the gritty bad boy with a good heart?  Yeah, well he died after Scoobynatural.  This joke that we have on the scene now, isn't that Dean.  This one doesn't use holy water and silver to test a person.  He uses baked goods.  Dean Winchester is now a silly cartoon. 

Even his British attire for Michael makes no sense.  Although the choice was Jensen's because he is a fan of Peaky Blinders, if I was in charge of wardrobe, I would have said no.  I would have given him a black turtleneck, black jeans, and a long, glossy, ankle length black leather jacket that made from a leather that allowed the jacket to be manipulated by a gust of wind.  That fucking stupid hat, I tell you.  The point is everyone is too busy playing and none were taking their jobs seriously.  So they didn't correct Jensen and why should they if he is doing all the thinking for them. 

Sam's character was completely butchered in S8.  Sam's fans must have been gritting their teeth throughout that season because of the character assassination.  I did a full post only on that.  Sam went from flawed to downright selfish and mean in that season and I hypothesized that someone in the writers room, just hated him.  I stand by that hypothesis until something more substantial comes along.  Though they stopped giving him any story.  After S8, everything that happened, seemed to center around Dean with Sam picking up the pieces.  Unfortunately for whoever hates Jared, they cant switch off Jensen and Jared's chemistry.  And that's a good thing because at least kept the show watchable. 

The gritty left with the inclusion of the bunker.  I understand why they used the bunker storyline.  New sets each week were probably expensive.  One fixed set almost every week, has a lesser dent on the budget.  But it was the bunker that made the whole show start to appear campy.  I remember Angel had a similar looking set and that was a campy show.  I miss the dingy motel rooms, creepy cemetery, the salvage yard and everything else that made Supernatural old school American.  The BMOLs with their accent, and the dystopian AU world were nothing like the picture that Sam and Dean helped paint many years ago.  When Dean was blasted into the future, where Samifer made an appearance, it was only for one day, not the whole season. 

I didn't have an issue with the Castiel that Kripke had written, even though the first three seasons were indeed real and gritty and not campy at all.  I just saw him as a guest character like Rufus, Bobby, Hendrickson, Ellen etc.  I didn't think there was anything special about the character.  And I would have tolerated him if the actor playing him didn't get to big for his britches.   However, that character and the caricature he was replaced with, are two distinct characters.  First of all, Misha unfortunately bled into the character.  I have never known a more inadequate man. 

So the masculinity and quiet wisdom that the character was supposed to exude was replaced by a colossal wimp who cant fight anyone properly and who has no ancient knowledge to share with the leads.  Cas only appeared on screen randomly and left randomly.  There was no guarantee of him appearing to help the boys because ''he didn't serve them''.  And that was fine.  Now he doesn't leave their side, just hanging around like a skin tag.  The character was kept on board way past his expiry date.  Keeping him on board meant that the angel storyline had to be lengthened just to accommodate him.  Now this useless, pointless character is going to be in the last ever episode.  I can feel it.  It was be a sad end but at least, it will be over.  They wont be able to butcher Sam and Dean's characters anymore. 

[cowboyguts-moved]

hey jo do you have a link to all your ocs backstories ?

https://cowboyguts.tumblr.com/post/183365830587/tell-me-about-your-new-ocs

i have a link to this post i just updated! it used to have outdated info about everyone but me and tristan fixed it just now. it’s not by any means everyone’s entire stories and doesnt mention major plot points but its enough to get you started with each of em. that post only has the characters that are in mystic overhang. some others arent talked about because they all live somewhere else and mystic overhang characters are talked about the most anyway. if anyone has questions about them or parts of their stories please ask because theres no way i coulda discussed it all in that post l o l

me and tristan are gonna make carrds (they’re just info pages) about everyone that we can even the ones that arent in mystic overhang later on 

[scarlett-carson]

Its funny, but not in a HA HA HA kind of way

things have been...all over the godsdamn place of late ive been busy ive been broken ive been, a bit under construction of late. there was a bit of a phoenixing going on behind the scenes and maybe not everyone knew it. or maybe they did and i am not as lowkey as i fancy myself to be sometimes. there was a bit of a semi-public accidental crash recently, so... it doesnt matter. no, i mean it totally matters but thats...not the point of this recently, i went on vacation. there was a road trip with my sister and it was all kinds of things. it was, above all....FUCKING NECESSARY but. to the point of this post:: we were driving back from a week in daytona and it was the middle of the night and we were talking about things and stuff and nonsense and serious stuff and bullshit and like...everything...because that is kind of this thing that we do sometimes and shes had kind of a rough go in her own way and i think we both sort of needed a quality 3am talk about what one wants to do when they realize they dont have to camp out at rock bottom anymore and that there are options beyond "idk, just not die i guess" and in all of the talk about all of the things, she asked me why i stopped writing. (because she is a cunt and kind of a sadist) i dont have an answer for that i have a list of like...bullshit excuses for why i dont write depression lack of focus nothing to say impostor syndrome "i cant i have rehearsal" etc etc etc but i didnt have an ANSWER in that moment but i did tell her that recently, id been thinking a whole lot about how i miss doing slam and spoken word. that even if i dont have the stamina to write longform anything, doesnt mean i dont have things to say and that maybe it would be a way to get my legs back under me but i dont know because its been a really REALLY long time and what if i dont know how anymore and the rules have changed and like nothing i have to say is interesting to anyone else or like what if there is something i feel deep all the way into my marrow, but like someone else can say it better? this bitch has the audacity to pull over to the side of the road. like in the middle of fucking NOWHERE mountainsville, kentucky or wherever the fuck we were...and goes "so, its funny you should mention THAT. its funny, but not in a HA HA HA kind of way. i have to show you this thing. but its going to kick you in the face. long dramatic pause, because she knows just a little bit too much about my life possibly twice" ...and then shows me the following spoken word piece on her spotify playlist: ~~~~~~~ **We never promised each other much, we were always just kind of touch and go. as if we knew we'd know that somehow we'd grow differently. so we did and we do and none of this is to say that it wasn't worth going through or that i care any less about you. shoulders to lean on are hard to come by. I know because there were times I would have broken my own neck just so that I'd have one of my own to cry on. And I remember when each finger was a pawn moving slowly across the chessboard of your body and we made each game last. Passed up each avenue of attack because neither one of us were trying to win So how do we begin again when that feels like now and this feels like then? When all I can do is tell you "if you've got something that needs saying, tonight I'm paying dues." I've got a pocket full of blues and two pennies to rub together Which means I'm wealthy enough that I can finally afford to pay attention. I'm listening. And I know right now I'm somehow like that kid sitting in math class, terribly aware of his first boner. It's hard. But difficulty has never been a good enough reason to describe the effort it takes to make the good times and the memories worth having. And they were and they are and I wouldn't have come this far if you weren't worth the sleepless nights where abandoned appetites of a heart, now rail-thin, because of the constant hunger strikes. In your absence, I'm finding value, because what starves you carves you, and I'm chipping away the rough edges of a statue built to memorialize everything we've been through. And when I'm done, I'm gonna set it against the backdrop of the sun and stare just no matter where I go, it'll always be etched into the back of my mind, stenciled in behind whatever future I have left to find. Maybe we were never meant to last. Maybe we're only meant to reflect fondly upon a past where we cast ourselves in the lead role of a one-year sitcom. One that had the critics standing, while putting hand to palm, in an ovation we're still getting curtain calls for. And the stage floor was a graveyard for the freshly cut roses that we waded through to take our bows and say thank you. It was beautiful. And it was and it is and none of it was ever show-biz. But we were waiting for lights to dim on a stage where we set ourselves to music. As if the swelling violins could ever mimic the hidden moments found in the theatre where we kept audiences stapled to their seats. And they watched us, looking for vacancies they could occupy in the spaces between our heartbeats, as if silence was a room for rent, and we both went "shh." But the beats themselves: they were loud enough to drown out the applause. And we laughed at the ushers left looking in the aisles for the dropped jaws of patrons who still can't believe we took time to find beauty in the flaws we possess. That there's only something better to be found in allowing our collective damage to coalesce. And all we confess of ourselves forever is that we will make it through this. We're gonna make it through this, like a big-ass jug of kool-aid with legs and arms busting through a brick wall to quench the thirst of our loneliness and say "fuck yeah." Yes, I miss you. When I'm not looking, the softest parts of me will issue restraining orders. Not the kind that define borders or boundaries; these are the kind that will keep me in place when I ask "please, call me when you get there." Because every somewhere I go to, is just another place that reminds me I miss you. And my broken heart is where I keep the scar-tissue that I used to dry my eyes when a tear tries to make a break for it. I've built my eyelids into an Alcatraz, where every prisoner has a parole board meeting scheduled for yesterday. And they played dominoes until time comes full circle, like a sunrise, and today tries to set them free because they'll be locked up here until I let them go, until it's safe to let you know you're my best friend. And that some things end so that other things can begin. Sometimes an ending can be an origin. That history is a resin that can keep two people stuck together, that change can be a tether if you let it. I'll always want to kiss you. Or touch you. Or do that thing that drives you crazy. And by that, I mean you literally go crazy when I call you "cranky pants." Sorry, but it makes me laugh. And that's important to someone who's given more than half of their life to tragedy. I keep your side of the bed empty with a just-in-case mentality of that hope's middle name is maybe and maybe you miss me too. One day, you and I are going to make it through this. And we'll look back and we'll realize that we have, and we did, promise. PROMISE--shane koyczan** ~~~~~ go ahead and take a minute take all the time you need because i needed fucking 20 minutes and i am pretty sure i stopped breathing we sat there in dead silence at almost 4 am on a dark as mountain road and she just held my hand while silent tears fell out of my stupid fucking face. because, like she knew she would be... she was not wrong. she was so very very not wrong. i got back to chicago on monday i have spent the last few days (still not writing) debating like...what to do with this. do i post it on Other Social Media? do i text a youtube link? do i tag everyone who crossed my mind as i listened to it the first time? (for the record, it is probably exactly who you expect, AND...other people you wouldnt so, there's been some unpacking too like "why them, though") do i sit in the corner of my shower and just cry about it for a while until it shifts from "pathetic" to "cathardic" and do i even remember where that line IS anymore? and like...sure i could direct send it but would they even read it? would they get it? would they understand? ...does it fucking matter what they think? and in all of the debating and unpacking i realized one thing: not really, no. things that resonate with ME, wont always register with Person X--certainly not always in the same way--and like...that is kind of okay, actually they dont have to get it its not for them its my thing other people will think its pretty cool, though and i can show them and those people will get excited...it only becomes problematic when Person X disregards that it resonates at all that is a dick move and like...if i, as a person. as a fucking force with which to be reckoned...resonate with so many people WHY should i keep trying to share that resonance with people who just kind of "meh" about it when i could just show it to the other people who think its pretty cool. so fuck it i will put it here and people can see it and they can think that its pretty cool or "meh" and thats ok but i should probably stop being my own Problematic Person X...