#//yeah i havent been feeling good lately and vanitas is Never feeling good so he seemed

[rxcusant]

i hastily wrote out a weird vent drabble thing with vanitas the other night and i debated on letting it collect dust or posting it but since im here i think the answer is obvious gfdjhk  enjoy this weird post kh3 thing, or dont, i wont tlel you what to do

also emetophobia tw

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     It’s disgusting.      Like some hideous creature from a nightmare.      Utterly revolting and rotting.      It’s disgusting.

     Vanitas never considered himself human. He knew he was an abomination. This form was perfect for him. Ghost-like with wisps of darkness constantly wafting off his body like smoke. Two sharp glowing red eyes that looked less like eyes and more like beady orbs. He didn’t have a mouth, not a normal one, but rather the inky mass of darkness split in a gooey mess that gave way to a mouth. Pulsing bright red veins encompassed his body all stemming from the familiar heart pattern on his torso. In place of normal fingers were elongated sharp claws tipped the same shade of red.

     There wasn’t anything human about him. This is what a monster should look like.

     But it’s no good if he doesn’t continue to play the part of a monster. Monsters are fit for scaring little children sleeping in their beds. Awaiting good dreams that will never come. What better target than the boy he’s forced to share a heart with? What better use for those claws than to sink into his dreams and stain them black with nightmares? What better use for a monster who breaks everything they touch?

     It’s not just his dreams either. A real monster will continue to pick and pull apart leaving scars in their wake. Sora’s scars were emotional and mental as Vanitas day in and out terrorizes him. It’s thanks to him that Vanitas is stuck under Xehanort’s thumb again. If Sora hadn’t been so stupid and played right into enemys hands none of this would be happening! As Vanitas reminds him every day. You’re stupid. You’re a fool. You’re going to fade into nothing as every trace of you is erased by Xehanort. There won’t be anything left to save. 

     If Sora never became their vessel Vanitas wouldn’t have to look like such a hideous creature. If Sora never became their vessel Vanitas would’ve continued sleeping in the depths of his heart. He wouldn’t have to wake up and live with the constant negativity. He wouldn’t have to listen to Master Xehanort. He wouldn’t have to exist.

     It’s all his fault.

     It’s disgusting.

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      He woke with a sharp gasp and hands around his throat. Wide eyes trained on the ceiling that he wasn’t sure he recognized at first. Amid heavy breathing Vanitas waited for his eyes to adjust and for his heart to stop pounding to realize it’s Ven’s room. 

      Swallowing hard he turned his head to the side to see none other than Ven sleeping beside him. the blonde had the same peaceful expression he must’ve had for the past decade- not that Vanitas would know, being trapped within Sora’s heart the whole time- and it vexed Vanitas to know even when in his sleep Ven had it easier. But he didn’t have it in him to continue that train of thought.

     Slowly the memories pieced themselves back together. He jumped into Ven’s bed mainly to piss him off (and snicker whats yours is mine with a cheeky grin) but it backfired when Ven groaned and crawled in to sleep anyway. It wouldn’t be the first time they shared a bed and it wouldn’t be the last. And Vanitas would never admit it aloud but the only place he could sleep properly was next to his other half. Chalk it up to a natural harmony between the halves of their shared heart. He’d rather that than hurting himself to the point of exhaustion or simply not sleeping at all. Vanitas personally preferred the latter but neither Ven or the new replica body wouldn’t let him pull any more all nighters.

     Sitting up in bed Vanitas pulled his knees close and just breathed. In, one two three. He was in Ven’s room with Ven beside him. Out, one two three. He’s not trapped in Sora’s heart who’s trapped in the Organization with Xehanort watching over them. In, one two three. He’s safe.

     ...Safe. What did that even mean for someone like him?

     Out, one two three.

     What right did he have to a comfortable life like this? Vanitas tried to take down Ven and his friends multiple times-- with no guilt or remorse either. On top of that he actively contributed to making Sora’s life a living hell in the Organization. He knew deep down inside nobody wanted him around. They would rather him dead than sleeping safe and sound in their home.

     Maybe Vanitas would rather that too.

     Gritting his teeth Vanitas buried his face into his hands. In, one two. Out, one two. In, one. Out, one. This isn’t working, it’s useless. What was the point in pretending he could ever be like the rest of them? He’s disgusting, a vile creature. A monster had no right to sleep soundly like the children they’re meant to scare.

     Said children should stay asleep. Ven stirred and cracked open his eyes. “...Vanitas?” He said groggily. He blinked slow and only seemed partially aware of Vanitas hyperventilating. 

     He didn’t want to look at Ven, not right now. But if he didn’t do or say something Ven would only start interrogating him. So Vanitas picked his head up and stared down into his palms. For a moment it’s alright. The black hands giving way to long claws was normal. He got used to staring at them from within Sora’s heart.

     It’s remembering he’s not inside Sora’s heart anymore that startled him to the point of falling off the bed. 

      With a thud Vanitas hit the ground and let out a grunt. It wasn’t particularly painful, as if pain could phase him anymore, and he sat back up after the impact. Which was a bad idea as his stomach immediately protested with a gross churning that sent an unpleasant vibe up his throat. Almost suffocating. Ven made some kind of confused yet concerned noise but that was far from Vanitas’s mind. He knew his feeling and he would rather die than let Ven see what was coming.

      A cough pushed past his lips and Vanitas forced himself to keep it down another moment, slapping a hand over his mouth. He got to his feet and ran out the door with Ven calling out behind him. Normally so precise and calculated Vanitas was running without care for whereever he ended up so long as he was out of sight. Or that’s the idea, as he was only allowed enough time to run by the mercy of the darkness bubbling at his core. And the running only further agitated said core. 

     Vanitas succeeded in making it down the hallway and to a set of stairs but that’s when the awful sensation decided it couldn’t wait any more. He barely reached the stairs, much less going down them, before falling to his hands and knees. He let out a strangled choke as black ooze poured from his mouth and onto the flooring. A few stray drops splattered onto his hands and clothing but that’s hardly a thought or concern in his mind. Vanitas gave a few more coughs  to bring up any leftover black gunk until he deemed the moments passed. Now there was a void in his stomach and an unpleasant light headed feeling.

     And a pair of red eyes blinking back at him in the messy darkness. 

     Much like hallucinating the return of his claws, that’s normal at first too.

     The darkness slowly begun to rise and shape into an Unversed. The void in his stomach was replaced by a sick repulsion and Vanitas acted upon instinct. Balling his fists he smashed the shape back down into the ground. Stringy and drippy darkness latched onto his hand but Vanitas paid it no mind. He kept punched and bashing the darkness in until the red eyes were completely obliterated. But he didn’t stop then. Not for the ringing traveling up his arm each time his fist impacted, not for the sob wrenched free of his throat, not for the heavy tears spilling.

      Break, destroy, tarnish, it’s all he can do. He’s disgusting. A filthy creature. No normal person vomited up monsters. An abomination at his very core and that would never ever change--!

      “--itas! Just- stop, stop it!”

      There came another hand wrapping around his own. It didn’t do much to stop him from punching the ooze at first but after the first four times they managed to wrangle Vanitas out of his hunched position and keep him from pummeling any more craters. Vanitas let out a snarl and instinctively reared his head back to bash whatever was disturbing him in the middle of his breakdown. Can’t they let him wallow in peace?

      His head connected with the person but that wasn’t enough to stop them. In fact they only tightened their hold on him and pulled him closer, mumbling different words that didn’t yet reach Vanitas’s ears. However Vanitas did see a white checkered wristband and that alone brought forth a confusing surge of emotions. Knowing Ven was there made everything simultaneously better and worse. Better because if anyone in the castle had to witness his breakdown he would rather it be Ven over Terra and Aqua. Worse because Ven witnessed him in the middle of a breakdown.

     It was obvious Ven wasn’t going to let go so long as he would fight back so Vanitas gave up trying to struggle and just let himself go limp with a defeated sigh. Ven hesitated, likely waiting if this was a fakeout, but when Vanitas didn’t move Ven released him and shifted to the side. He tried making eye contact with his other half but Vanitas didn’t take his gaze off the smashed pile of dark ooze.

      He wanted to ask what happened. That was the obvious question here. But Vanitas refused to look at him much less try to talk. Ven’s eyes traveled to the dark patch on the floor, Vanitas’s hand, and a small trickle of darkness in the corner of his mouth. Didn’t take long for Ven to piece it all together. He let out a faint oh and his hand settled over his mouth, looking at Vanitas with such sad eyes that any other time he would’ve growled at him for. Don’t look at me with such pity.

     “...I-- Vanitas…” Ven trailed off, grasping for the right words. Did the right words for this even exist? What could someone possibly say? Nothing. Monsters didn’t deserve sweet honeyed words of it’s okay, I still care about you. They would only be lies. Words didn’t exist for such a disgusting creature as him.

      But words never came. Ven’s eyebrows furrowed together as he seemed to realize what the other was thinking. He took a moment to weigh what he was about to do, and the consequences whether or not they be more thrashing or insults, before he embraced Vanitas. He held him tight and buried his face into his shoulder. Vanitas could just make out Ven’s uneven breath on his skin.

     Immediately Vanitas wanted to protest. He already didn’t like being touched and an invasion of personal space right after vomiting an Unversed on top of a nightmare was way too much for him. He wanted to make his displeasure known, say or do something, but the words got confused on his tongue and his limbs were frozen. Get away, it’s for your own good, I’ll only hurt you! I break, I destroy, I don’t want to hurt you!

     Neither word or action came. Nothing but heavy tears. The last thing he ever wanted to do was cry in front of Ven but…

     But it’s okay this once since Ven can’t see. He already saw more than Vanitas ever wanted him too. This moment was for the two halves only, momentarily coming together in reassurance. Saying the right words without needing to vocalize them.

     I’ve got you.