#i wonder if we had never gotten a new router if i would still have those restrictions lmao

[arielluva]

im so glad that if i randomly get a burst of motivation to do my assignments in the middle of the night i actually can

[tennessoui]

The divorced fic was so cute i want to scream. Does Obi have any time to be sad or are Anakin and his little demons always there to distract him from his infinite sadness

so i know most everyone wants to know what anakin does about The Kiss but here's a bit of light hearted angst a year before that (because humanity is inherently whatever but i am inherently evil)

aka

the immediate aftermath of the Router Incident (1.4k)

The night of the day of what will come to be known as The Router Incident starts off with a bang.

Obi-Wan gets home a bit later than normal. Not because his work drags on longer than usual, but because he is, on the subject of all things even passably related to his personal life, a coward.

It’s been at least ten hours since he left the house with the goddamn wifi router tucked under his arm because Anakin had said something about finding a new place.

As if this isn’t the twenty-first century. As if Anakin doesn’t have a phone with unlimited data. As if Anakin isn’t the sort of person to walk five miles to the nearest coffeeshop with his kids in their stroller, just to use their wifi to email Obi-Wan a series of italicized question marks.

Obi-Wan’s been practicing his apology ever since he got that email. I’m really sorry, I promise I’m not a controlling megalomaniac. I just panicked because I’m not that good at letting go of things. You’d think I’d have learned by now, but apparently I only know how to dig my heels in whenever I think people are starting to pull away. Apologies again, life is not a game of tug-of-war, and I promise I do know that.

He practices his apology, of course, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t also try to put it off until the last possible moment. When he leaves the building, his car is the only one still in the lot.

I’m really sorry. Here’s the router back. I support your decision. Your kids will be great. I know you probably won’t let them see me, because that’s a bit weird if we don’t all live together, and you also don’t use social media, which is great because I also don’t use social media, but I would have made a Facebook account just to keep up with your family. It’s meant more than I can say to have something to come home to this past year, and I understand that you can’t put your life on hold for a lonely old man like me, and I will endeavor from now on to not impede your search for a new place to live.

No, too needy, he thinks at a red light, dragging his hand over his beard in defeat. He won’t beg Anakin to stay.

He would very much like to beg Anakin to stay, but he hadn’t even begged Satine to stay, and he had been in love with her.

He just enjoys Anakin’s company. His presence. Unwinding next to Anakin after a difficult day teaching is one of the things he looks forward to the most.

And this past holiday season, they’d had a big dinner at his house, filled to the brim with Anakin’s friends and his friends and some people from the local grocery store they’d met when out shopping together, and it had been so loud and so amazing. Nothing had been left untouched, there had been food on the ceiling (Obi-Wan suspects Leia to this day, but Luke had confessed), there had been leftovers for days.

You can’t just give me holidays like that and then take them away, Obi-Wan thinks angrily as he turns into his neighborhood. What will I do next winter, then?

He has to sit in his car for a second after parking, just to calm down. He’s the one in the wrong, he reminds himself. Anakin has all the right in the world to want to leave. It was never Obi-Wan’s family to begin with.

It was never Obi-Wan’s family to begin with.

When he opens the door, he’s met with the sound of children screaming and crying.

Luke rushes at him and jumps on him with enough force that he reels backwards, almost out of the house. He drops his bag on the floor in order to steady the child.

Luke is bawling his head off right next to Obi-Wan’s ear so it’s very, very difficult to hear what a red-faced Anakin is trying to say.

And then Leia runs up to him, tugs at his free hand until he looks down at her, and then stomps her little foot with a scowl. “I hate you!” she declares just as loudly as Luke is crying, before her tiny face breaks into tears and she runs off.

“Oh, for the love of--” Anakin shouts, throwing his hands up in the air and chasing after his daughter.

Obi-Wan, ridiculously hurt beyond measure and without a clue about what’s happening, goes to sit down on the couch, still gently cradling Luke’s body to his as the boy continues to weep.

“Hush,” he says soothingly. “And, ah. Please tell me what’s gotten into the Skywalkers now.”

Luke only sniffles and rubs his snotty nose all over Obi-Wan’s shoulder.

Well. It’s laundry day tomorrow anyway.

“Daddy says you hate us,” Luke mumbles, just as Anakin comes back into the living room, notably sans Leia.

Obi-Wan feels his mouth fall open in shock. “Daddy says what?” he asks, very slowly, making dangerous eye contact with Anakin over the top of Luke’s blond head.

Anakin flushes an even darker shade of red and looks around the room, as if that’ll save him.

“Daddy says we gotta go because this is your house and we don’t wanna stay over our, um. Welcome. We can’t reproach on your space, which means you hate us.”

“Encroach,” Anakin corrects, which Obi-Wan does not think is the thing that really needs to be corrected. When he tries to communicate this with his eyes, Anakin gulps and says quite quickly, “I’m gonna go check on Leia actually.”

Coward.

“Luke,” Obi-Wan says gently. “Your daddy is just being very, very dumb, a trait I pray with all my heart skips a generation.”

Luke blinks at him, his little eyebrows furrowed and his button nose bright red from all of his crying.

“I don’t hate you at all,” Obi-Wan says. “I love both you and your sister very much.”

“Then why do we gotta leave?” Luke complains. “I don’t want to go, we could never play Space Pirates and Lava Dragons at the old place, it was way too small.”

Obi-Wan thinks privately that his house, while certainly big enough, is by no means the proper size for how rambunctious the twins get when they’re playing Space Pirates and Lava Dragons.

“Well,” Obi-Wan hums consideringly. “I don’t want you to leave either.”

“You don’t?” Luke asks, eyes wide and hopeful.

Obi-Wan shakes his head. “I really don’t. But it’s not my decision to make, Luke.”

“It’s Daddy’s,” Luke concludes, head hanging low. “And Daddy wants to go.”

Obi-Wan ignores the way that sentence drives what feels like a knife straight through his heart. “Yes, well,” he coughs. “Your daddy won’t do anything he knows you and your sister really don’t want.”

Luke looks contemplative. Obi-Wan wonders if he should feel really bad or downright awful for manipulating a child in this way. But needs must.

“And he won’t listen to me,” he continues gently, smoothing down the front ends of the boy’s soft hair. “Because your daddy can be very stubborn when he thinks he’s doing something right.”

“He’ll listen to me and Leia though?” Luke asks, head cocked and eyes bright.

Obi-Wan nods very seriously. “I think he would if you both asked very nicely and thought about a lot of good reasons why you should stay here.”

“I can think of loads! And Leia can think of a ton more probably!” Luke exclaims with renewed energy, launching himself off of Obi-Wan’s lap and up the stairs, ostensibly to their shared bedroom.

Obi-Wan leans back against the couch, equal parts amused, exhausted, and hurt. He’ll need to have a serious talk with Anakin soon. He’d thought the man knew that his home was his as well. Yes, Anakin still paid rent, an unfortunate but necessary sort of system, but they’ve never been normal roommates. And Anakin isn’t a guest who could overstay his welcome.

He’s. Well.

Obi-Wan doesn’t know exactly what Anakin is to him, but he had hoped it was obvious to Anakin at least that Obi-Wan would not ever grow tired of his presence in his life.

So they do have some things to talk about.

But hopefully this means that Obi-Wan won’t actually have to apologize for the router incident, seeing as Anakin’s fuck-up caused much larger waves.

[smol-and-grumpy]

Good Morning - Chapter 2

Coffee shop!AU

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader

Summary: Dean Winchester, owner of Dean’s Beans is living a humble and quiet life. Roasting beans and selling coffee in his little shop is what makes him happy. When she walked into his shop four months ago, his life changed, but is it for better or worse?

Chapter Warnings: None. Just Dean being adorable and flustered.

WC: 1804

Beta’d by: @deanwanddamons​ <3

Series Masterlist ~ SPN Masterlist

Become a Patron ~ Buy me a coffee

Tuesday, September 1st

 Dean’s working the front again like he always does in the mornings. Mainly, because he lives just above the shop and secondly, he wants to spare Benny the travel time. If someone would ask Benny why Dean never lets him work the early shift, the dude would say that the arguments Dean’s bringing up are all lies. Benny would say that it was because Dean doesn’t want to share preparing coffee for her with anyone else. 

He thinks his friend is exaggerating. But maybe, yeah, there’s some truth to it. She never comes in during the day. Not at night either. They’re open till eight, but he’s never seen her coming in apart from the mornings.

While Dean works the machine, his phone starts to vibrate in his pants. With one free hand, he fishes it out.

Liz.

He’s got no patience for the woman, at least not when he’s working, but maybe it’s about Ben. It usually is about Ben when she calls. 

Dean picks up, wedges his phone between his shoulder and head to be able to still work with both hands. 

“Liz,” He breathes out.

“Dean, you’ve got to talk to him,” Liz says meekly.

He knows exactly who she means by him.

“What about?”

“He’s not happy. He’s closed up and we have a fight every morning before he has to go to school. It’s draining my energy!”

“Why can’t Gordon talk to him?” Dean asks, and he thinks it isn’t too much of him to ask to get Gordon to talk to Ben. Gordon is Ben’s stepdad after all and he and Liz have been married for quite some time now. The dude has spent more time in the house with Ben than Dean ever had. 

“It will only make it worse.” 

Dean’s putting the lid on the cup and hands it out, taking the money in exchange, and letting it slip into the register. He only nods at the customer, but the man understands, nodding back at him.

“You know that you’re the only one he listens to,” Liz continues and adds, “We had a fight this morning. Every morning actually since the school year started.”

The bell chimes and Dean’s still trying to find a polite way to talk to Liz. It’s hard to form words sometimes without sounding too rude. While he’s still thinking about what to say, he looks up and sees her walking in. 

“‘K, Liz, have him call me, alright? I got work to do, bye.” He hangs up before Liz could say anything and lets the phone slip back into his pant pocket before taking another order, “Good Morning, what can I get you?”

While Dean prepares the order for the man in the front, he can’t help but take quick glances at her every now and then. 

She has a backpack strapped around her shoulder instead of the usual laptop bag. He shouldn’t notice these little things, yet here he is and it’s weird, isn’t it? The way he already knows her habits, the way he knows that when it’s warm enough, she wears a shirt or a blouse, combines it with some kind of a jacket when the mornings are cool. Sometimes, leather, which makes his head spin. Sometimes it’s a jeans jacket, which is really cute and it suits her. Sometimes, she’d wear a cardigan that makes her look so innocent and pure, it almost gets his heart to explode from all the clenching that it does.

There were times when she would wear a long-sleeved shirt for three or four days in a row and Dean kept wondering why. It was not exactly cold out. 

Now, when the mornings start to get cooler, he notices that she wears a thick jumper that’s way too big for her. It makes her look more fragile. Makes her look like someone that needs protection. Maybe she does? Dean doesn’t know. Didn’t allow himself to go there and question it. All he knows is that it makes him want to protect her.

What he also knows is that when she’s running late to his shop, she’d show up bare-faced and her hair’s usually in knots or a ponytail because she probably overslept. There’s no make up on her face whatsoever, but there’s always a glint of lip gloss on her lips. Which is not really fucking fair to him because he’d like to kiss those glistening lips. 

Right now, Dean’s serving the customer before her, but he feels her eyes on him. It doesn’t make him work on the order any faster, though. Almost spilling hot milk over his own goddamn clumsy hands as he does. Finally, he manages to put the lid on the cup and hands it over, “Thank you, and have a good day!”

With a grin, she steps closer to the counter and he turns into a stupid teen again. His face is tilted down a little, his cheeks are flushed because they feel like they are burning up big time, and there’s a smirk on his stupid face, can’t really help it.

“Good morning,” He mumbles, can’t really bring it out louder, “The same as usual?” He manages to ask, is a little proud of himself to push the word over his lips without a stutter.

She nods with a smile, “Hi, Dean. Please,” 

Oh, she’s greeting him by name now. That’s progress, right? He absolutely loves how his name sounds rolling off her tongue. Smooth like fucking honey, and he absolutely wouldn’t mind to hear it more often.

“Double?” Dean asks, just to make sure. 

Double is her go-to when she needs to wake up. A One-shot is normally only reserved for a couple of days a month, he guesses that it’s when she’s on her period. It’s absolutely stalker-ish of him to know these facts, and Dean knows that he shouldn’t even notice but he does.

“Uh, do you do triple?”

He chuckles, “I don’t think that would do you any good if you have to work, you might be shaking the whole morning and your eyes are going to cross.”

“Good thing I’m not working in the office today, then.”

He lifts his eyebrows, wants to ask more, but he knows that it’s not his fucking place, “Right,” He says, “Just this one time, okay?”

Smiling, she nods, “Thank you.”

As Dean prepares the three shots of espresso, he risks a glance, sees her watching him with a small smile.

“So, no office today?” He blurts out and he feels absolutely stupid. She’d think he’s weird for asking about her personal life, won’t she?

“Nope, my office has maxed out on capacity and I’m working mostly from home unless I do have to go in for meetings.”

He lifts one eyebrow, “And why aren’t you home now when you don’t have to be anywhere?”

Dean can feel her change in demeanor. Her shoulders are tensing and she bites on her bottom lip. It’s just really quick and she probably thinks that he didn’t notice, but he did. 

He pours the three shots into a big cup, proceeds to pour some milk into the jug and he doesn’t look at her, because he’s afraid that she’ll close up to him now that he has gotten her to talk some more. 

“I don’t really have good wifi at home.” She says simply and Dean believes her, although he has the feeling that there’s something else she doesn’t tell him. But he takes that explanation because it’s a valid one. 

He knows himself how wifis can be a pain in the ass in the city. The wifi in his apartment above the shop does the same sometimes and he should really buy a new router, but he just doesn’t seem to spend enough time in there and the wifi in the shop is good enough for him to do his administrative work. 

Dean is warming up the milk, the sound is noisy and he can’t concentrate on her because he has to be careful not to make too much foam and spill it over his own hands again. 

When he pours the milk into the cup, he has a sudden lightbulb moment. And he looks up, sees her staring. 

Dean grins.

“What?” She asks with clear irritation on her face. 

“I was just thinking,” He says, as he picks up the cocoa powder and sprinkles it over the foam of milk, “You can work in here. We have a pretty good wifi connection and you’re right at the coffee source.” He shrugs nonchalantly, doesn’t want her to see that he’s excited about the prospect of her doing her work in his shop. At least he doesn’t want to seem like he’s more excited than he should be.

“Oh, I can’t,” She says and pauses, “Or can I?” 

Dean raises an eyebrow as he finishes putting the lid onto her triple espresso beverage, “Yeah, you can. There are a couple of people coming in to work from here, some stay a couple of hours, some the whole day.” He shrugs and it’s not even a full lie. He really has people working out of his shop, he doesn’t have people who stay the whole day, though. The most that someone stays is about three hours, so it’s not really a lie. He’s just twisting the truth a little. 

“Okay, I might take you up on that. But this week I’ve rented out an office desk space downtown already, so maybe I’ll be here next week?”

“Sounds great,” Dean smiles, couldn’t not smile because there’s a sudden feeling of joy logged in his chest. 

She hands him a five-dollar bill this time and Dean actually doesn’t want to take it. She notices the irritation on his face.

“For the muffin last time, Dean.”

“I can’t take it.” 

“Do it.” 

“Fine, but here,” He grabs the little paper bag packed with a muffin and holds it out for her, “Another one.” He hopes she doesn’t see how much he’s blushing. 

She grins, “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Dean answers with a sincere smile, “Oh, and do I get to know your name?” 

His heart is thumping fast in his chest and his throat feels dry. God, he definitely feels like a teen again. 

“My name?” She asks, her grin grows cocky, he likes that a lot.

“Yeah,” Dean huffs out a breath, “You know mine. It’s only fair.”

She actually laughs, god what a nice sound. It’s indeed a good morning.

“Yeah, you’re right. It’s only fair. I’m Y/N.” She’s still chuckling. 

“Alright, Y/N, have a nice day and thank you,” He holds up the five-dollar bill. 

“I’ll see you, Dean.” She nods before she leaves and hell, yeah, he hopes that he’ll see her soon.

Chapter 3

Please share your thoughts with me, I’d love to hear your feedback.

[jarienn972]

Weathering the Storm - Part Two

When I posted Part 1 of this story several weeks ago, I hadn’t planned on spending nearly a month in a depression-induced haze. I finally managed to convince my head that writing could be good therapy and delved back into the angsty lives of fictional characters. 

When we left off, Killian had passed out in pain on Zelena's sofa. In this chapter, I gave a little background into what Emma was up to before jumping back to the present. The forecast is still very stormy... You can catch back up by reading Part 1 here or you can find both chapters on AO3 and FF.net.

"C'mon, kid!" Emma shouted while holding open the front door to the Sheriff's station with her foot as she clung to her pretty much useless umbrella with both hands. She and Henry had gotten caught by the downpour while walking back from the clothing shop several blocks down Main Street from the station. They'd remembered to bring umbrellas with them as heavy rain was forecast but the strong accompanying wind rendered the accessories worthless. Mother and son were both drenched and he hadn't kept up. "Hurry up! Let's get out of this rain and try to dry off."

"I'm coming…," he mumbled as he picked up his pace, hurrying past his mother into the darkened station. Emma followed, waving her hand to magically switch on the squad room lights as she tugged the door closed behind them. "You know, you could have just poofed us over here from the shop so we wouldn't have gotten soaked…" Henry teased.

"Where's the fun in that?" Emma laughed as she closed her wet umbrella and tossed it onto the tile floor to the right of the door, somewhat surprised that Killian hadn't returned from Zelena's place yet.

"Fun?" he scowled as he shook the excess rainwater off his own umbrella before folding it up. He then shed his waterlogged jacket, hanging it on the back of an empty chair to dry out. "Can I go grab a snack from your office?"

"Yeah, go ahead. Dinner will probably be a little late tonight anyway."

"Okay, thanks. You want anything?"

"A cup of coffee to warm my insides," she mused as she shrugged off her saturated crimson leather jacket, draping it on over the back of another unoccupied squad room chair. "And I need to figure out where Killian might be… I can't imagine he's still out at Zelena's place. He left here almost two hours ago."

"That was before this rain started," Henry reminded her. "Maybe he decided to wait out the storm?"

"What? With Zelena? I don't know about that…" Emma leaned over the nearest desk and picked up the handset of the outdated telephone. She pressed a button on the console to open a line but frowned when she heard no dial tone. "Well, phone's out. We really need to work on upgrading the ancient lines around here…. Let's see if I can get a cell signal…" Withdrawing her iPhone from her jeans pocket, she tried Killian's phone first, then Zelena's number, getting a message that both mobile numbers were out of range. "We also clearly need to add another cell tower."

"Is there a way to magically boost the range?" Henry wondered as he returned to the squad room after raiding Emma's snack drawer, crunching a peanut butter granola bar.

"I wish I could. I mean, I suppose I could magically conjure up another cell tower, but there's no guarantee that their phones would even connect to it. It is something that Regina and I do need to discuss. The infrastructure of this town certainly needs some upgrades but magic isn't always the answer. You should know that considering you just spent hours trying on different suits, shirts and shoes when you easily could have had either of your mothers whip up the perfect outfit in a second."

"Point taken," he replied with a shrug. "I suppose that means you aren't going to magically upgrade our router at the house then?"

"Probably not." She shook her head and then chuckled at the sight of the almost sarcastic frown crossing his face. Still grinning, she strolled past her son into the station's break room, pressing the red button atop the coffee maker to get a fresh pot brewing before returning to her office to see if perhaps Killian had left a message on the station's antiquated answering machine. It was yet another on the long list of items in need of replacement. This thing wasn't even digital and no one sold the stupid little cassette tapes anymore. It needed to go to the dumpster as soon as she could find a digital one but for the time being, she'd have to make due. She unfortunately discovered that the machine wasn't flashing any indicator for new messages.

Henry noticed his mother's furrowed brow as she stepped out of her office then paused just outside of the doorframe as a rumble of thunder rattled the windows. Her plan to fetch coffee was momentarily forgotten as she stared blankly at the raindrops pelting the glass.

"You're worried about him, aren't you?" Henry queried, hoping his blunt question wouldn't be too upsetting.

"A little, I guess," she admitted with a reluctant shrug. "Hopefully, he's somewhere safe or he's at least taking his time driving back to town in these conditions. He's only had his license for a few months and we had a pretty dry summer…"

"If he's still in the car, you could try reaching him on the radio, right?"

"Yeah, I suppose I could...Why didn't I think of that?" she scolded herself as she ducked back into the office and snatched the microphone from one of the station's other ancient relics - the old citizens band radio. Pressing the button on the side of the microphone, she brought it closer to her mouth. "Killian, are you there? Over." She'd taught her husband some basic radio etiquette in the event that they needed to contact other emergency services but they tended to be a bit more casual when using Storybrooke's local bandwidth. She allowed a few seconds of static awaiting a response before repeating the message but each time, there was nothing but crackling coming through the speaker.

"Guess he isn't in the car," Henry stated.

"Doesn't seem like it." She was trying very hard to remain upbeat for Henry's sake, but her gut was telling her something might not be right. Maybe Killian was driving like the old man he was and chose not to respond to the radio while he was concentrating on the road. Maybe Zelena had offered for him to wait out the storm at the farmhouse, at least until the worst had passed. Cell service at that old house was practically nonexistent…

Mother and son both hopped in surprise as a brilliant flash of lighting and the accompanying thunder clap startled them just as the power blinked off.

"Well, so much for the WiFi," Henry grumbled.

"The generator should kick on in a minute with emergency lights," Emma reminded him. "Let me go check on it…" She was actually happy to see a couple of the overhead spotlights immediately flickering on, indicating that the backup generator was functioning as it should. "Well, there you go."

"Still no WiFi though," the teen lamented. "I'm going to go sit in the break room and try texting Violet…"

"That's fine. Let me fill my coffee mug and I'll get out of your way." She picked up the stainless steel travel mug from her desk, absentmindedly filling it to the brim while her mind wandered elsewhere. There was little more she could do until the weather let up. She entertained the thought of poofing herself to Killian's location but she dismissed the idea, fearful that she'd startle her husband too much and likely cause him to wreck the cruiser.

She knew Killian was smart. He was a seasoned mariner who had centuries of experience weathering storms and he wouldn't do anything reckless. Why was she so worried?

**********

As much as she tried not to stare, Zelena's gaze kept drifting over to the injured, unplanned houseguest sleeping on her sofa. He wasn't exactly resting easily, his limbs twitching, trembling and even shivering as he fought through intermittent waves of pain. Her drafty living room wasn't helping matters much either, especially after a particularly fierce gust of wind had nearly blown the tarp from the broken window. The covering had remained intact but it was starting to droop, billowing even more as it was pummeled by the storm. If it failed, it was going to be quite difficult to keep the house warm.

Aside from the wind whistling around the tarp and the crackle of the fire, she was grateful for a brief moment of peace. Robin had finally settled while her mother rocked her, her tearful tantrums fading as she gave in to sleep in mere minutes. Zelena dragged the play yard from the kitchen into the warmer living room and lowered the drowsy toddler into it before she collapsed onto her worn velour upholstered wingback chair. She'd hopefully have about an hour of quiet as her child snoozed, thunderstorm temporarily and blissfully forgotten.

She didn't sit still for long though. She soon found herself needing something to busy herself so she decided it was time to take the stained towels and Jones' mud-caked jeans into the bath to try to soak the blood and muck out of them. She dropped the stopper into the drain of her claw foot tub and turned on the faucet before tossing the towels into the basin.

As she watched the water instantly take on a pinkish tint, she found herself oddly transfixed by the crimson swirls. She'd been no stranger to violent outbursts. She'd never denied that she'd killed many in her quest for vengeance against her sister and anyone else she'd felt had wronged her, but then, she'd always had magic to fix her problems for her. She'd been able to wave away whatever impeded her. Not anymore. Now, for some strange reason, the sight of blood filling her bathtub came as a somber, unexpected reminder of all she'd given up and all of the promises that she'd made to her daughter.

She'd always be wicked but she wasn't going to allow darkness to taint her heart any longer. She'd promised Robin that she'd do the right thing - to just be Zelena Mills, not the Wicked Witch anymore. Staring at the blood staining her tub was proof that she was making small but deliberate strides towards righting many wrongs.

She shook off the sting of the memories before adding Jones' blue jeans to the nearly full bathtub, making sure to remove his wallet from his pocket. She was tempted to take a peek inside to see what the pirate was carrying but she resisted the urge, instead shoving the garment beneath the water's surface. Chunks of dirt and gravel sunk to the bottom as she turned off the tap. It was going to take a lot of scrubbing to get the porcelain tub clean again. Maybe she could convince someone with magic to help her with this mess too?

No matter, she thought to herself as she left everything to soak, turning her attention to the sink so she could wash away the lingering blood stains and mud from her hands. After patting them dry, she returned to the living room, checking on her sleeping daughter while her ears perked up at the sound of an anguished moan. A quick glance over to the sofa revealed that her guest was seemingly regaining consciousness. She noticed that his facial features were contorted in obvious discomfort as he pressed his arm tightly into his wounded side. She didn't witness him actually opening his eyes but she definitely heard him gulp down an uneasy breath before yelping in pain as he made a futile attempt to sit up.

"Easy...," she warned, crossing the room swiftly to press his shoulders back down into the pillow. "You don't want to be doing that just yet…"

A weary, disoriented Killian Jones eyed the blurry face that hovered above him with a mix of confusion and suspicion. It took a few seconds for his vision to clear and for recognition to set in but as he regained his coherency, the tension in his limbs relaxed and he sunk back into the cushions.

"Where am I?" he mumbled, eyes blankly scanning the room in search of familiar surroundings. Only the former witch's face was recognizable but he didn't have the foggiest idea why he was looking at her.

"My place," Zelena replied softly. "You showed up at my door over an hour ago, soaking wet with a bloody hole in your side." She gave the briefest synopsis she could to fill in some of the blanks in his memory.

"Is that what that is?" he grimaced, squeezing his eyes closed. "Hurts like the bloody dickens…"

"I'm sure it does. I don't have much here that I can get you to help with the pain either. Everything I have on hand is definitely geared toward toddlers."

"'Could use a fifth of rum…" Killian grumbled as he tried to shift his weight to a less painful position.

"Not hardly," she scoffed. "Let me see what I can muster up... Maybe some children's ibuprofen?" She hurried out of his sight for a moment, returning to the bathroom and throwing open her medicine cabinet. Inside, amongst cosmetics and assorted personal items, she located the bottle of pinkish liquid she'd last used when Robin was cutting a new tooth a few weeks back. She squinted trying to read the dosage instructions in the dim light. It was all determined by a child's age and weight. "Let's see...math was never really my strongest subject… How many teaspoons would make up an adult dose if it's one teaspoon for children twenty to thirty pounds? Oh, bloody hell - here! Just open up and take a swig..."

She grasped his bottom jaw and eased his mouth open, bringing the bottle to his lips. In too much pain to argue, Killian raised his head enough to swallow the sickeningly sweet medicine as she poured it onto his tongue. It took nearly all of his strength not to retch it right back up.

"What the devil is that awful concoction?!"

"It's called bubble gum. I really haven't the faintest idea what it's supposed to be but Robin seems to tolerate it."

"Bloody poison, that's what it is," he sputtered, cringing and hissing as his movements aggravated his wound. "Damn, that hurts…"

"Sorry. It's the best I can do until I can reach your wife."

"Emma doesn't know?"

"Not yet," she reminded him. "These nasty thunderstorms took out the power and the phones. I'll keep trying though."

"She'll be worried…"

"I'm sure she'll be looking for you if she doesn't hear from us soon. For now, just try to rest, especially while the little one's asleep."

"Thank you…"

Those two words were ones that Zelena still wasn't accustomed to hearing. She almost didn't know how to reply. "You're welcome…," she stammered after a moment of awkward silence that Killian didn't even register. "Rest up now."

[luckdogpuppy]

Why I Hate Electronics

In the old days we had ms-dos and had to fiddle with config.sys and himem.sys spending endless hours and sleepless nights trying to get the computer to run a program. Computers have come a long way since windows 95 but using them certainly hasn’t gotten any easier. I remember wondering back then why they couldn’t make a computer that actually worked, that actually figured out how to make itself work and work with other programs and devices…after all, it is a computer, isn’t it? No, instead they just get more complicated and mystifying. Now its modems and routers and ethernets and wifi that drive me crazy, and trying to cope with constant buffering when I try to watch Netflix. Who the hell can remember which remote to use to access the right button? And when you do find the right remote to access your tv who can figure out how to get to whatever it is you need to fix? And how many fucking passwords can a person remember? And passwords have to be more complicated every year. I can barely use my phone, flipping from one screen to another with my finger. It seems the only way to get out of certain screens is to shut your phone off and restart it. And nobody tells you this stuff…you have to figure it out on your own. Ever read the Microsoft manual? Who does? Just looking at the pages makes me scream. And even when you go to Youtube they go so fast you have to pause it every two seconds to write that shit down. I have endless sheets of paper in a drawer filled with step-by-step instructions on how to do computer problems. Why? Why can’t computers do these things by themselves? The last time I lost my internet connection I got all excited when I discovered this thing on my computer that told me it would run a diagnostic of my system and troubleshoot it. Wow, that sounded great. When I went there and ran it it said “you have lost your internet connection.”  

They say that computers can do everything, but they still haven’t given us a computer that can fix itself or even do something as simple as letting us plug it into a router without having to go through an eleven step process to get the damn thing to work. What pisses me off is that I know they could do this. I can’t even get my two wifi extenders to work. By some miracle I did get them to work for a while but one day they both just shut off and I haven’t been able to get them running since. I can’t get past the step where I’m asked for a password. It says I’m supposed to use the one on the back of the router. Well, what it says on the back of the router is “password: (leave the field blank)”. Except when I am asked for the password it won’t let me leave the field blank. Instead it says “your password is not long enough.” Then I’m told to go to my wifi icon on my taskbar to find out what the password is. But I don’t have a wifi icon on my taskbar. So I go online and find that there are pages on how to find and/or replace the wifi icon on my taskbar, and after going through all five of the different methods of finding and replacing that icon on the taskbar without success I learn that there is no way I’m gonna get that icon to appear on the taskbar because the Windows 10 system that came with my computer doesn’t come with a wifi icon on the taskbar; Microsoft removed that file in the latest version of Windows 10. I learn that I have to buy Windows 10 Pro to get that stupid wifi icon. Are you shitting me?

I finally did find an obscure site that explained a convoluted way to find out what your router and extender passwords were. You have to start with your command prompt to get there…but that didn’t help…surprise, those passwords there didn’t work either. And don’t even ask me how to go back there and look at those passwords again. It took me an hour to figure out how to get to my command prompt from my start menu. Hint: don’t left click like you’re used to doing. When you left click on the Start menu you are presented with a long and very impressive list of places to go, all in alphabetical order, and you would think that the “Command” prompt would be there under the “c” column. But no, there is nothing that says “Command Prompt”. No, you have to right click instead. You’ll find another list of places to go there. But even then there is nothing that says “Command Prompt.” You have to click on “run” for the command prompt to come up. There is a lot of shit you can do through the command prompt but nobody is going to tell you what the secret codes are that will allow you to do those things. It used to be easy to get to the command prompt. All you had to do was click on the “Start” button. But now they’ve decided to make this an hour-long quest to find it. I have all this shit written down on endless sheets of paper in that drawer. Truth be told this electronic world makes me tear my hair out. I hate it with a passion. What pisses me off even more is that I also love it…when it’s working.

I can’t even get my computer to recognize my own email address. I bought a new Dell desktop three years ago and still get a daily message saying that I need to fix a problem with my Microsoft account. So I periodically go through the process and change my password but no matter what I do I still get that stupid message. I even had Microsoft tech reps guide me through the process three times now yet I still get that same old message. And every time I try to access my Microsoft account I’m told “that email address is already used by a different account.” I deleted all my accounts and started over but the message still comes up…the problem remains. I’ve explained all this to those tech reps but nothing keeps that message from coming up. I even signed up for a different email address but that didn’t fix the problem either and now I have an extra “Outlook” email address that I never use and wouldn’t know where it is if I did want to use it. I think the problem started when I bought a new Dell laptop. I had to sign up for a Microsoft account then. But I didn’t care for the laptop and sent it back two days later and ordered the desktop…and now Microsoft still thinks that whoever owns that laptop has the rights to my email address and not me. I explained all this to those Microsoft tech reps but that didn’t solve anything either. Yeah, this stuff bothers me. I’m the kind of guy who doesn’t like loose ends. I like things to be neat and tidy and feel like everything is in its place. But this computer stuff feels all scattered and disconnected and just fucked up. I know it’s working on my mind even when I’m not struggling with it.

In order to fix my Netflix buffering problem (and my wife’s need to have internet access for her work-at-home job) I bought a new router. I’ve had the same old cheap router for 6 years so I figure its time for a new one. I did just buy a 40 ft ethernet cable that I plugged into the back of the router and ran it along the ceiling down the hall and into the back of the tv in the living room, but we’re still having problems with “Home not available” still coming up at times. I actually bought a new router last year; an Archer A7. But I was never able to get it to work so I had to send it back, thinking it must have been defective. I realize now that it probably worked just fine and that the problem was me…that I couldn’t figure out how to get it to work. Then I had a helluva time trying to get the old one up and running again. Did you ever feel that your brain was on fire and ready to burst? That was how I felt after struggling with those two routers for 3 days. So my new router came last week and it turns out it’s the same model; the same one I tried to set up and sent back last year. I thought it was a different one because it was called a Tp-link, but its actually an Archer A7 too. On the box it says it’s a AC 1900 and on the instruction sheet it also says it’s a MU-MIMO Wi-Fi Router, so just figuring out what these things are called is a science in itself. So now I’m frightened to death to even try to set it up. The first thing the instructions say is “if this” and “if that”…as if I know the answers to these ifs. There is also a long list of FAQs in case you have problems and need help. That scares the shit out of me, too, cause I know I’m gonna need help…and lots of it. Then it gives me three different methods of setting the thing up, all of them quite convoluted and requiring me to access various internet sites, SSIDs and wireless passwords. Then I have to go to a number url: 192.188.1.1 and I remember that this is where I had to go to get my extenders to work but I was never able to get those urls to come up. Then I found out that they only come up if you use Google Chrome, and of course there is nothing in the instructions that tells you you can only use Google Chrome. No, you have to find that out on your own too. So now I have to change my browser and come up with another password so I can access Google Chrome. I am so afraid that I will not be able to complete these steps correctly and that I will then have to struggle another two days to get my old router to work again that the new router is still sitting on a shelf two weeks later. I’m thinking that I should go to Best Buy and have the Geek Squad come and set up my router but I know I’ll have to listen to them explain their convoluted tech plan that will ask me to decide whether to get a one visit deal or buy a year subscription…and I know one visit will not fix all my loose ends. And it makes me wonder if that is the reason why computers intentionally aren’t made to fix things.  

Oh, by the way, I’m sitting here writing all this down with my Microsoft Word, and now I find that I am unable to save what I’ve written because I don’t have a subscription to Word any more. I guess my free time is over. God, don’t you love it? You can’t even buy a computer with a simple word processor in it without having to pay a yearly fee to use it. Next thing you know somebody will figure out how to put a chip under your skin that measures how many breaths you take so they can charge you for the air you breathe.  

Dear Lord, if reincarnation is real please let me go to a world that is either before computers or way beyond computers. Or better yet, where computers and routers and extenders actually use a computer so they can work together.      

[littlewalken]

Sep 21

Let us just think of the things that are progressing and positiving and interesting and if our brain cannot escape a bit of something sad then we’ll be hopeful for that kitten with hydrocephalus because she is innocent and pure and doesn’t do the stuff we take Ignoritall and Repressitall for. 

Taking L-Lysine appears to be helping with my histamine spots. I have less and they’re generally smaller when they pop. The supplement might be helping my anemia too. FDA tests aside sometimes magick and chicken soup knows what it’s doing. Have some willow bark, get some rest, consult the barber in a couple of days. 

Square One TV was real, y’all. I was trying to find one of those things I might have seen in school where they dramatize problem solving and only found a few things that it wasn’t.

Even before the brain injury I could Mandela Effect myself so.

It might have been the show with the cartoons that may or may not have been narrated by George Carlin. 

~insert Robot Chicken’s Schoolhouse Rock thing~ 

I used the apostrophe S properly there, indicating the sketch belongs to Robot Chicken. It’s not a plural. There’s no apostrophe to indicate plural. There and where have “here” in them, ear is in the hear for listening. My learning challenges struggled with spelling but I worked to try and get it right because I felt if I was educated I could get myself out of poverty. 

You can still educate yourself out of poverty. 

For the field I worked in and could still be working in if not for my health concerns my community college degree was enough to get started and literally work my way up to the top. Later if I went in to a more specialized part of it having training for that would give me a leg up but it was something I could get at a not for profit school. In fact there was a community college in the area that was the preferred training school for that field. 

And back when I was running my own website for my dolls I was my entire IT team and taught myself to code, tag, and alter public domain stuff like the pull down java menu I used to suit my needs. That was within 5 years of getting my first computer because before hand I couldn’t afford or barely got to use the one we had in the house hold. 

A little bit of refreshing and prepping I could probably make the app I want to help me organize my dolls. If there already is an app for IOS that I could use to catalog my dolls pleas let me know.

In a way I’m hoping my mini iPad will be able to update and stuff for awhile longer. I realized that I often use 1 hand to hold it and if I got a bigger one I couldn’t do that. Not that I wouldn’t keep using the mini as an e-reader.

Tried to get the first tiny Kindle I ever used up and running again. If you ever wonder why you stopped using a gadget just try using it again. I used it for awhile, needed something with a bigger memory, got a Kindle Fire (which still lives in the bathroom), unregistered the itty bitty and passed it around the family then it disappeared in to the hoard.

Now it’s reminding me why I’ve never gotten another Kindle because it can face the router and still not understand there’s wi-fi. Had the same thing happen with the last Windows thing I ever used. Ended up plugging a cable in to it to get internets. 

In the mean time I can just keep trying to save my nickels and dimes. I know I’ll need a new iThing eventually. I want to learn to use a digital drawing tablet. I have a stylus and drawing program for the one I presently have but it’s a tiny and not very responsive stick and I don’t want to invest in a better one if I’m going to eventually get the iStick. 

As someone who constantly yells at the household Windows phone “Where did you put it?” I’m secure with my low level iCult status. 

Almost did some drawing yesterday, the brain again just kind of chilled out but again I did some energetic stuff in the morning and wore myself out before 8am. 

[irrevocably-delicious]

71 Klance pls

Keith waits anxiously for the blue and yellow lions to return. Coran had assured them that this space mall visit would be seamless, but Keith still worried. Last time they had just gone for some glass plates, and ended up stealing a cow and getting chased my the mall police. But Hunk and Lance had promised to stay together and keep Coran in line this time. Hunk wouldn’t go anywhere near the food court and Lance vowed not to swim in any fountains.

Keith was still skeptical. 

“Incoming”, Shiro sees the lions pick up on the castle’s sensors. The hangar doors whir and keith is bounding towards the entrance as the doors slide open. Hunk, Lance and Coran stride into the control room with victorious smiles.

“No problems this time?” Allura swivels on her chair.

“Absolutely none. I told you guys, we got this.” Lance brushes his sleeves and strikes a cocky pose with a smirk. Keith rolls his eyes. Why was he worried about this jerk?

“Here are those circuit routers you wanted, Pidge.” Hunk walks over and plonks the small equipment in Pidge’s lap. She looks up with a thankful smile. Her glasses glint in the artificial lighting.

“Excellent. I’m really excited about rover 2.0″ She enthusiastically unwraps them.

“I’ve got those new crystals for your control panel, princess!” Coran rushes over to Allura. His long legs carry him to her at alarming speed. He pulls out a clump of green crystals and slams them on the dashboard.

“Thank you, Coran. though you’ll have to help me install them.”

“Of course, of course! Also….” Coran’s moustache twitches with his knowing grin. He rummages in his pockets until he pulls out a delicate silver chain dotted with purple gems.

“I believe you requested something sparkly.” He begins to attach the bracelet around Allura’s wrist. She beams and holds up her hand to the light.

“Oh Coran! It’s wonderful!” 

“Nothing but the best for my favourite princess!” Coran proclaims. His bravado is knocked out of him when Allura sweeps him into a bruising hug. 

“Oh, that reminds me…” 

Keith’s focus is pulled away from the sweet scene at the sound of Lance’s hushed voice. It’s just the two of them left standing by the entrance now. Keith turns to see Lance digging in his own pocket. His thin brows are scrunched in concentration and he bits his bottom lip. His hands pat down his legs, chest and sides, until he feels whatever he’s searching for in his jacket pocket. He smiles.

“Here, I got something for you.” His voice is still quiet so only keith can feel. Keith steps in close. Something? For him? He tries to think of if he asked for anything. Maybe it’s a joke gift. Like scissors to cut his mullet or something. They’d both laugh at that. That’s what friends did right?

Instead, Lance pulls out a small metal object. He presses a button and a blade flicks out. He rotates his wrist in the light, which creates pearlescent rainbows along the knife’s metal surface. keith’s eyes widen.

“It’s made with some cool alien rendering technology. Coran will talk your ear off about it if you really want to know. I just thought it was pretty.” Lance huffs out a laugh. he tosses it to keith, who deftly catches it.

Keith admires the blade, the weight in the palm of his hand. It is very pretty, and compact so he can keep it hidden on him at all times.

“This is for me?” He exhales. 

“Yeah.” Lance steps close. He points to a mark on the handle. “I think that’s like a secret toothpick or something.” He laughs. Keith gently snaps the knife closed. His stomach flutters.

“…Why?” He asks again in disbelief. “Why did you get this for me?”

Keith… has rarely gotten presents before. If he was lucky, Shiro would be around on his birthday and would try his best to give him something before he left for christmas, but those were the only moments Keith could remember celebrating those occasions. Christmases were spent with family… which he never had. And birthdays were usually shared with friends… but those were also in short supply.

Keith can list all the gifts he’s ever received on one hand. 

“No reason,” Lance lazily shrugs with his hands deep in his pockets. His smile is lazy, and he hums some melody as he saunters off to his room. 

Keith bites his lip and smiles to himself. 

He sleeps with it underneath his pillow. 

[elle-stevens]

The Break Up Blog - Day Thirty Nine

This is getting harder and harder to do every day. 

Don’t get me wrong, keeping a blog about my feeling since breaking up with X has been helpful and even cathartic to an extent. But dredging up every moment in my memory and every feeling that comes with it is exhausting. 

I slept alright save for the hours when I kept waking up and stressing about class. Every Friday, the students now have to write a diary entry in the books that C designed. Simple in theory, right? Except the elementary students at our school seem to genuinely have zero English skills. Or they have the requisite skills, but get completely flustered when they actually have to use it, kinda like me and my ambiguous relationship with Mandarin. 

So I changed the topics for grades 3 and 4 and thought that simplifying their task would help by writing vocabulary on the board. It kinda worked with grade 3 and all the students in my class managed to write a few sentences each. 

But grade 4? 

For 40 minutes, I sincerely thought that I was in a zoo and all the wild animals had gotten loose. One of my autistic students had a very OCD day and wouldn’t stop shouting out ‘The bus isn’t here!’ in Korean, too many of my boys were queuing up in front of the classroom computer to use the online dictionary. And of course, SB had a dumb fight with with another student, E, and legit walked out of my class and slammed the door on top of it. 

I’d love to say that the latter pissed me off simply because SB was in the middle of it. But he’s actually been relatively well-behaved in class in the last two weeks, almost like he’s had a lobotomy. And honestly, by the time he pulled that crap on me, I was too exhausted and dumb-founded to take offence. Now that I’m thinking on it now, I definitely need to tell SH about what happened in class. I hate to bother her about it because she already has to deal with this nonsense as their homeroom teacher, but I’ve just had it with the total disregard for my authority in class. 

I was forced to sit in the grade 6 homeroom and wait for them even though I knew they wouldn’t make it for class while having their school event during the day. I don’t get why the homeroom teachers force the foreign teachers to hang about like chumps during school events in the unlikelihood that the event will finish early and we’ll be able to pick up the slack with the dregs of the class period? It’s starting to feel like I went back to university two years ago and got a teaching certificate for nothing. I’m just an over-glorified babysitter at this point in my life and it sucks. 

N came to find me while I kept the grade 6 classroom warm (or chilled in this case because the afternoon was hot af). She wanted to have her ‘official’ conversation with me about renewing my contract at the school. I did change things up a bit when N mentioned tried to persuade me to consider applying for a teaching position in the high school department of our school. I initially wanted to do that months ago, but ML was pretty adamant that I was unable to change the terms of my contract since my school only hires high school teachers in the second semester and my contract ends in February next year. Never mind the fact that I initially interviewed for a high school position at my school before coming to my city, but got recruited into the elementary department at the last second when one of the teachers broke his contract in the middle of the school year. But who really cares about minor details like that? 

I told N I’d keep an open mind about it if she could swing things for me to work teach high school instead. I stopped considering it before when I thought that ML would stay in the managerial position for another year. But C told me that ML’s going back to Korea next year, so working under a new manager might actually be better. H might get pissed off at me for switching departments though; she’d probably take it as a personal affront to her management style. It is in part because of that, but honestly, I’m just done in general with this school. It’s too much bullshit layered with bullshit at every turn. 

After my meeting with N, I went back to my office, only for H to talk to me about a punishment I gave my fifth graders two days when they wouldn’t shut up in class. Instead of disciplining the students in my own way, H suggested that I turn the classroom in a democracy and let the students decide on their own punishments and rewards in the near future. It’s a great idea in theory, but now that I think about it, it’s basically an FU to the teacher. As it turns out, I’m pretty much irrelevant in my own classroom. 

And people actually wonder why teachers want to leave this school...

I saw N and ML talking out of the corner of my eye while H talked to me. I guess N gave ML the ‘good news’ about me wanting to leave. I could care less at this point. H’s eyes looked strangely red-rimmed during our talk, like she was seconds away from crying. I wonder if she heard about my news already? Who knows and honestly, who cares at this point? 

I’m over it. 

Still, I sat with CI at lunch and we had a good talk about our different classroom woes. He’s become a really good work buddy, I’m glad that C picked him out from a sea of what was probably a lot of crap teachers. Even talking to N about some of my minor grievances helped too. I even found time during the day to perform surgery on a clay doll one of my third grade girls made that had its leg and sword hilt (I don’t know what kids are into these days, lol) ripped off by her classmate. I went home to get my glue gun because the departmental ones are suddenly missing and I sutured the old sport’s injuries. Then I left said doll in the third grade homeroom, I hope my little chica finds it there. 

All of this dumb shit that happened - It’s ok really when I think about it. Now I know that I’m done with being treated this way. Good luck to my school principal with finding teachers that are half as competent and caring as C, me and even CI, even though he’s staying another year. 

After all the fuckery at work and the number that X pulled on me, I’m done with people taking me for a James Blunt in my professional and personal capacities.

‘James Blunt’ in this case is British rhyming slang. Do yourself a favour and look it up, it’ll give you a good laugh. 

I may look like a ‘James Blunt’, I may even act like a ‘James Blunt’ when I’m taking the piss. But don’t get it twisted: I am not a fucking James Blunt by any stretch of the imagination.  You can’t fuck with me and expect me to treat you the same way ever again. 

It only needs to happen once. And after that, I’m done with you. I may smile at you and even help you with things from time to time. But I will never open myself up to you again. 

That’s what happened to X in the end and I can see how it will happen with some of my current colleagues as the months progress. I thought it was kind of C watching C and H’s friendship turn to shit in real time when H became our manager. But I get how it happened: when you get a little of anything good, it makes you selfish and you end up turning on the people around you. 

I did that when I dated X. She became the centre of my universe and I lost track of everything and everyone. I even had a huge fight with P and G because of X when I used too much bandwidth from the family router to video call X every day for a year. 

That was a really bad fight and the way my siblings looked at me while it happened still haunts me. It’s like they saw me, but an uglier version, and they didn’t like it one bit. 

I shudder when I think of that memory, especially when it was all for nothing with X. I nearly lost my relationship with my brother and sister over X. And what the fuck was even the point of it all? 

I don’t ever want to be that way again the next time I fall in love. I want to go into the whole affair with my eyes completely open. 

There were some positives at work. Besides having some good heart-to-hearts, my colleagues really liked the coconut tarts I baked for them. Even if they were just blowing smoke up my ass, it felt good to hear the compliments and know that I’m not sucking at this too. 

I’m feeling really tired today, so I hope I have enough energy to exercise in a little while. I ordered dinner from a chicken restaurant below my apartment complex, I’ll cook something tomorrow. Since R wants me to charge me an arm and a leg for a physiotherapy consultation, I made an appointment at a local clinic tomorrow instead so a doctor can look at my right arm that keeps twinging whenever I move it. I hope someone speaks English there, I’m tired of floundering about like a beached whale with zero Chinese speaking skills. 

My sinuses are still pestering me, but not as bad as before. I still have to check through my student diaries this weekend and mark and correct them. That’s a problem that can wait till tomorrow after I’ve had a good night’s sleep. D’s birthday gift finally arrived, I also have to figure out when I can drop it off at her apartment. 

I just want to rest this weekend and not think about anything. After Sunday, I’ll be done with my current workout programme; I might switch to something simpler like swimming after this. 

I’m just done. 

My body and brain need a proper rest. 

I might stop writing these blog entries after Sunday is over, I’ll see how I feel. Right now, I don’t want to think and just drift off deeper into myself.

[cosmosogler]

i did stuff today. didn’t get enough done. i went to the bank and got my glasses tightened. then i went to the grocery store. tracking down all the ingredients and the necessary substitutes took forever, but the employees were really helpful and i didn’t have a bad time. just exhausted myself.

i dressed up again a little bit. as in i am wearing a skirt. and a doge hair bow. 

i spent two and a half hours cleaning out the pantry. i tossed old boxes and stuff that had expired five years ago and/or stuff that was unsealed and clearly old. this was problematic later.

then i talked with my new classmates and scheduled a channel call tomorrow... and i’m going out with gramma on wednesday. 

i only did that for about a half hour. then i went downstairs to start making dinner. that was really tough... but i didn’t really mess anything up except the broiling because i had never done it before and underestimated how thick my sauce would stay as it heated. it was cooked fine, because i had cooked it before broiling the sauce and bread together, but it wasn’t quite golden on top. mom liked it but my brother and sister refused to touch it.

the whole time i was cooking, after mom had gotten home, she berated me for my organization choices. she didn’t like that i had grouped like things together. like, all the baking materials were on a shelf together. all the jars were together. the rice products were all together, with the biggest box in the back so you could easily see everything.

and she REALLY didn’t like that i had put a whole bunch of stuff out for her to check if she wanted to throw away or not. all of it had expired at least a year ago, except for the cheese products, which had expired more recently. 

like... look. we’ve had this animal cracker cookie mix for 15 years. it’s just not going to get used. it’s not. it doesn’t matter that we *might* use it later. it’s taking up space that we need for things we actually do eat. there was a preposterous amount of things that had expired years ago that we just never touched. and mom PUT IT ALL BACK!!! WHY????? I KNOW IT’S NOT MOLDY. BUT WE’RE NOT GOING TO EAT IT! IT’S BEEN THERE FOR YEARS!! WE EAT LIKE 800 MEALS A YEAR EACH AND IT DIDN’T GET TOUCHED FOR ANY OF THEM!!!!!

god dang it i forgot to do my pokemon thing on time and now it’s late again.

honestly... i’m also still upset that mom invaded my privacy like she did when i wasn’t even around. going through my entire room and throwing away things she decided i didn’t need... but it’s not a big deal until it happens to her. of course it’s not.

i took eve and wiley outside for a little bit after dinner. eve started staring at the wall of the house when i was herding wiley toward the door. i followed her eyes and there was a big old snake winding its way along the wall behind the patio chairs. i got spooked, mostly because i was REALLY scared that wiley was going to try to check it out. it didn’t have a rattle at least... but it was big enough to hurt one of the dogs easily. i practically drop kicked wiley into the house.

then i went upstairs. shortly after my sister threw a fit when she realized i had thrown away the chocolate chips. the copyright date was five years ago and they weren’t sealed even a little bit. it was just an open bag sitting there behind everything else. i got really frustrated. she said she had just eaten a bunch like a week ago and i mean, i know she wasn’t expecting me to clean out the pantry while she was at work, but how was i supposed to know that??? 

a while later, while i was sorting through my music bookmarks, mom decided to apologize for both of them. i guess... it’s a nice thought? but the blowup still happened and i still feel bad. the apology came across as really useless and it made me uncomfortable. because now that mom had apologized i wasn’t allowed to be annoyed at her for yelling at me any more! even though that had NEVER, EVER WORKED EVEN ONCE when i apologized to her over the years. “you’re NOT sorry” is mom’s favorite reply to an apology. they were usually even genuine! but it doesn’t matter because mom decided i wasn’t really sorry so she still gets to be upset with me and ground me and hit me and whatever.

so i was uncomfortable. then a while later the internet went out. i went over to ask my dad or brother to reset the router because sometimes it just randomly shuts off wireless but not wired connections. so i asked them to reset it when they had a moment, no hurry. my brother shrugged and said it was out for him now too, but only in the last minute. i told him that was nice, but it’s been out for me for several minutes. he told me i was wrong and it was only out for less than a minute. i got a little more terse and he acted like i’d screamed at him or something. he said “sheesh, ok,” and got up and walked away.

dad didn’t make any indication that he’d heard, so i asked him again if he would reset the router when he got some time, since i saw he was in the middle of watching the walking dead. he still didn’t respond so i walked a few steps into the room to rub wiley’s ear.

“how big was the snake?” dad asked. i described it to him. he asked if i was sure it didn’t have a rattle. i took a breath and said yeah i was sure. why would he think i wasn’t sure?

IMMEDIATELY as i finished my sentence he snapped at me to reset the router already. that was really disorienting but i did it anyway.

i mean... i had asked him to do it at his leisure. i know he didn’t respond in any way, but i thought he had heard me say twice that he could reset it when he was ready. i just... i don’t really understand why he got angry.

i didn’t get any studying or worksheets done today... i was on my feet practically all day. i have to be ready for that call tomorrow. i know i won’t be. just gotta brace myself for not being very talkative and not making a good first impression.

i wish it was easy to get myself looking at physics. i have a tab of it open at all times... i just never look at it. i find other things to keep myself busy with. procrastinate. and then stuff like mom and dad happens and i just don’t want to do anything at all except cry and/or have a panic attack. well, i don’t WANT to have a panic attack, but it happens anyway. my hands are shaking. might just be because i’m tired though. that’s a possibility. i did a lot of heavy lifting today. 

panic attacks aren’t the same as panicking. it’s strange how they are called almost the same thing. there is some overlap but it’s like the difference between a house cat and a tiger.

at least my meal thing turned out pretty good... the salad went way better than i could have hoped considering all the substitutions and limitations in my selection. and i didn’t cut myself with the knife while i was chopping stuff even once. 

mm. it’s time to sleep again. but i don’t think i can right now. 

i feel like i am missing something, as in, i want it back. but i am not sure what it is i could be missing. i don’t want my family back. i never had that in the first place. i don’t want my childhood back. whoof. 

i think i am maybe missing the magic of losing a day inside a book. but it’s also kind of terrifying when that happens and it’s always sort of melancholy to get to the last page. and then panic sets in when i realize it’s 3 in the morning and i didn’t do anything but read a book all afternoon and through the night.

do i miss my friends? no... not THAT much. maybe i miss having friends? i don’t know. friends have their pros and cons. friendships don’t really end on good and/or complete terms, so it’s hard to miss them... 

i dunno. as active as i stay, and as much as i am doing, and as stubborn and/or tenacious i get about continuing, i feel like inside i’ve still given up in a way. i don’t feel like dying, but i don’t feel like living either. either one is just meh. i’ll let time decide for me.

(time shouldn’t decide things without your own input. it always picks death. it always picks missed opportunities.)

like... i keep going anyway, but i feel like i’ve given up on ever feeling happy or successful or fulfilled. i don’t mean permanent happiness, but more like, an openness to being happy, or a confidence about it. i don’t think that is a trait i am able to acquire. 

here i go again. doing a little better with therapy, and then a week later backsliding into even worse depression. good. great. cool. this time i made it NINE days without a really bad day. 

i’m so angry with myself. yesterday mom was being all buddy-buddy with me and i was tense about it but also able to just occupy the same room/backyard as her for a little while without everything exploding. so stupid. i’m stupid for getting comfortable. for not avoiding them and for helping around the house and for thinking i should organize things my way since i use everything in the pantry more often. i’m stupid for thinking things might change.

i’m exhausted and i’m still twitchy as hell. when does the sleeping and resting happen? 

i don’t know if i thought things might change. i guess it was an instinct. i saw the signs that it wasn’t going to last. but i stayed upbeat anyway and kept going because i’m stupid. waffling about dad picking on my friends... i wish i hadn’t tried to talk about the movie around him.

but how was i supposed to know he would do that? how was i supposed to know that asking a single question, about something i needed, in his presence would set him off today? why does this still bother me so much?? 

why can’t i just not care. maybe not in general, but certainly about this one thing. why am i scared of my parents? what’s their problem? why does dad have such a huge tree up his ass? and why is it my problem???

maybe... tomorrow i will try to do some work. maybe. it could feasibly happen. i’m going to be really tired though if i keep stalling. 

a lot of my friends have been getting married. well, “friends” as in facebook contacts that are my age and i have interacted with more than a little bit. i don’t want to get married, but i wonder what would happen if i was stuck with only my own company, forever. i feel the empty space next to me. i can’t imagine anyone who would fill it. i don’t have an ideal partner. just a couple rough outlines of what i’d look for. 

i guess it’s better that way. but even the outlines are impossible to really imagine. i got a lot of personal problems in the way. like being unfathomably emotionally distant even when i’m being frank.

it’s... hard to keep believing in other people when you’re told constantly that you can’t love others unless you love yourself. and if i can’t love others, how can i possibly expect them to love me? 

eve loves me. but she is going to die soon.

can’t think about that right now. too upsetting. think about something else.

interacting with my parents always gets me all discombobulated. i will try to have my head back on straight in the morning. well, not straight, but less crooked. i will try to have my head back on gay in the morning?? 

i ain’t got a better joke to end with. that’s all i got.

[fxikb0ay-blog]

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[technotestechnotes]

I’m going to tell you about how I took a job building software to kill people.

But don’t get distracted by that; I didn’t know at the time.

Even before I’d walked across the stage for graduation, I accepted an offer for an internship. It paid half again as much as the most I’d ever gotten in the highest paying job up to that point. Not to mention that I’d spent years in college with low paid student jobs or living only on student loans.

I’d be joining a contracting company for the Department of Defense. The Department of Defense, or DOD, is the part of the government made up by the military in the United States. The DOD outsources all sorts of things, from P-8A Multi-mission Maritime aircraft to blue, shade 451, Poly/wool cloth.

At the time, I thought nothing of the fact that I’d be supporting the military. Besides, they’re the good folks right? My dad was in the military. So was my grandfather. It was good money, a great opportunity, and a close friend of mine had gotten me the gig. Life was good.

I showed up for my first day of work in North Virginia, or NoVA as the industry likes to call it. I met the team of other interns, then learned what the team would be building: a tool to use phones to find WiFi signals.

It seemed pretty cool compared to what I’d built to up that point. The most complicated thing was an inventory management system. It didn’t concern itself overmuch with persistence. Who needs to stop and restart a program anyhow? The data was right there in memory and if you forgot how many Aerosmith CDs you had, who cares? It got me an A on the assignment, and that was all that mattered.

Honestly, the idea of finding WiFi routers based on the signal strength seemed pretty intimidating at the time. The idea impressed me.

But don’t get distracted by all this; the software was intended to kill people.

I joined the team after they’d already gotten started on the project. The gist of the tool was that it would look at how WiFi signal strength changed as your phone moved around. If the signal strength got stronger, you were getting closer. If it got weaker, you were moving away. To find this information, we’d collect two pieces of information for each WiFi access point in range. The phone’s geolocation information and the WiFi signal strength.

To predict the actual location of the WiFi signal, we used a convolution of two algorithms. Both of them relied on the Free Space Path Loss equation. For our purposes, FSPL calculates how far away a phone is from a WiFi signal based on loss in signal strength. It assumes that there is only empty air, or “free space”, between the access point and the phone.

The first algorithm was R^2. It measured the difference between the signal strength we’d observed and the expected signal strength at each distance in a search grid based on Free Space Path Loss. Locations with the lowest R^2 error rate were the most likely location.

We’d combine that calculation with a Gaussian estimate. Now I spent two or three days last week trying to understand Gaussian estimates for this talk and couldn’t. The best documentation on them are still research papers. I do know that it creates a probability curve. The high points of the curve are distances where the access point is likely to be, and low points are unlikely. The curve started with a probability hole of low values. They represented low likelihood that the phone is standing right next to the signal. The curve then increased to high probabilities further out. It decreased to near zero even further. The algorithm adjusted the width and height of these two curves by consulting past measurements. It created a heat map of probabilities for the signal source.

We’d normalize the probabilities for each location in the search grid. A combination of probabilities was more correct than either algorithm itself.

We stored this probability matrix for each location a phone collected from. Using these, if we collected readings while moving in a straight line, we could tell you how far away the WiFi was. If you turned a corner, we could also add direction, so you could find it in 2D space. If you climbed some stairs, we’d show you altitude as well. The technology was the most interesting project I’d ever worked on.

But don’t let that distract you; it was designed to kill people.

I mentioned that I had a software engineering degree at this point. My teammates were earlier in their education careers. Most of them were a year or two into their four year programs, also a mix of Computer Science and Math majors. My expertise was in the design and process of building software, while theirs was more in high level mathematics or the theory of computer use.

I helped to translate the working algorithms they’d designed in MatLab to the Java code we needed to run on the phones.

And let’s be honest, we spent plenty of time deciding whether we preferred Eclipse or NetBeans. Can I say how happy I am that as a Ruby developer, I’ve not had to figure out where to put a .jar file in over half a decade?

One such example is calculating distance between two points. As these things go, it was in the deepest level of each loop. We were using great circle distance, which is the way you measure the shortest distance between two points on a sphere, such as Earth. Did we need to use this complicated measurement over the meager distances a WiFi network can operate over? Absolutely not. Did I mention this was over half a decade ago? We weren’t always making the best choices. Anyhow, we needed to calculate these distances. The function doing it was being hit hundreds of thousands of time for each collection point, often with the same two locations. It was a very slow process.

We solved that by implementing a dictionary of latitude/longitude pairs to distances. This at least meant we didn’t re-do those calculations. This and other optimizations we made sped up the performance from seven minutes to a few seconds.

But don’t get distracted; that performance increase made it faster to kill people.

The accuracy of the locations wasn’t fantastic. I don’t remember exactly what it was before we focused on improving this, but an average error about 45 feet sticks in my head.

That’s a little longer than a Tyrannosaurus Rex nose to tail, or more concretely the length of a shipping container.

That’s significant when the WiFi range for 802.11n is only about 100 feet. That means we could be up to almost half the range of the router off from where it was.

I talked about the Gaussian estimation, the two curves from the second algorithm. We hard-coded numbers that defined this curve. They were only starting points, but they were starting points every time we made the calculation.

A Genetic Algorithm is a type of program that produces a set of values that optimize for a desired result. It’s a perfect fit for tuning these hard coded values to get more accurate results.

Each of the Gaussian estimation values will is a gene. The set of values is a genome in Genetic Algorithm parlance. The genes were our 3 constants.

A fitness function is what Genetic Algorithms use to measure performance of a genome. For the dataset of readings I was using in the GA, I knew the actual location of the access points. That meant I could run the geolocation algorithm with each genome’s values in place as the fitness function. The result would be the distance between the actual location and the one calculated by the GA-derived values.

Genetic Algorithms take a set of genomes, called a generation, and keep a certain percentage of top performers.

These top performers “survive” to the next generation as copies. Sometimes the algorithm mutates these copies by adding a Gaussian random value to each gene. This means that there was a chance that any of the copied genomes would have each gene changed slightly. That way they would have a chance of performing better or worse. New random genomes are created for the remaining spots in the new generation.

We saved the top performers across all populations. When the GA ended I could take a look at the values and select the best performer.

I let this genetic algorithm run over the weekend. It was able to increase the accuracy from 40-odd feet to about 10.3 feet, 25% of the error from the original. That is less than the GPS accuracy on the smartphones collecting data (which is about 16 feet according to GPS.gov). This is too accurate, so it may have over-optimized against the test data and might not be as accurate against other data sets. This is called overfitting and the way around it is to have separate sets of training and test data. Did I mention this was five years ago? I didn’t even know what overfitting was back then.

I loved this. Genetic algorithms, R^2, and Gaussian estimation are the kind of thing that they tell you you’ll never need to use again once you graduate. But we were using them for a real world project! It was great.

But don’t let that distract you; this accuracy made it easier for the software to help kill people.

The tracking now worked accurately and quickly. The next feature was to add tracking a moving WiFi access point. I briefly wondered why an access point would be moving, but that question wasn’t as interesting as figuring out how to track it.

We made use of Kalman Filters to observe state variables: the position, velocity, and acceleration of the WiFi signal. Given these and the time since the last measurement, a Kalman Filter is able to improve the current prediction with surprising accuracy, filtering out “noise” data automatically.

Each time we ran the real time algorithm, we’d also feed this to the Kalman Filter. With only that information, it was able to produce an estimate that is a weighted average of previous data. A new predicted location that was more accurate than the calculated value.

At the same time, we added the ability to track more than one WiFi signal. We’d filter our collection of readings by the unique identifier of each access point. The filtered datasets each went through the full algorithm to produce predictions.

We used the APIs on the phone to read the signal strength of all WiFi access points in range. We were able to track multiple hotspots, basically whatever we could see in the WiFi network list. It was all very exciting. These seem like academic problems, but we were getting to use them in a real project! Being a programmer was going to be great.

But don’t let that distract you; this meant we could kill multiple more accurately people.

We’d been working with the project owner throughout this process.

He was laissez-faire about most things. He might check in once a day then going back to his main job in the area of the building dedicated to classified work.

Whenever we hit one of these milestones, we’d tell him. He’d be happy about it, but a question always came up. He wanted it to sniff for the signals put out by phones in addition to WiFi hotspots. This is a much harder problem from a technical perspective. The functionality necessary to do this is “promiscuous mode”, a setting on the wireless network controller. Neither iPhone nor Android supported that option. We’d need to jailbreak or root the phone regardless of the platform. We looked for packages that we could use that would let us do this to “sniff” the packets that devices sent back to routers. The closest we ever found was a SourceForge project that seemed promising. We didn’t fully understand its use and it wasn’t well documented.

We told the project owner that we’d get to it later. None of us thought it was that important: we had the technology to find WiFi Access Points working. That was the goal right? Each time we’d demonstrate the new exciting tech we’d built though, the same question came up.

We got WiFi hotspots located! Great, does it find phones?

It’s taking seconds instead of minutes! Great, does it find phones?

We looked into it finding phones, it seems unlikely but maybe! Ok, we’ll come back to it.

We got moving targets working! Great, does it find phones?

I had been distracted.

All of the cool problems we were solving: finding nodes, speeding things up, making more accurate predictions. It was all so cool, so much fun. I hadn’t thought about why we were putting all this work into finding a better place to sit and get good WiFi. That doesn’t even make sense if you look at it for more than a few seconds.

Does it find phones.

This was never about finding better WiFi. We were always finding phones. Phones carried by people. Remember I said I was working for a Department of Defense contractor? The DoD is the military. I was building a tool for the military to find people based on where their phones where, and shoot them.

I tried to rationalize this then. The military is in place to protect Truth, Justice, and the American Way. But this was the same time that we found out the government had been spying on Americans in the US with drones. They’d also lent out that technology to federal, state, and local law enforcement agencies nearly 700 times to run missions. The military and government do things that I know I don’t agree with pretty often. I didn’t want to be a part of building something used to kill people, especially since I knew I’d never know who it was killing, let alone have a say.

I rationalize it now too. We were interns, and we didn’t even have clearance. The projects this company did for the government were classified Top Secret. I wasn’t allowed to know what they were. My code probably got thrown away and forgotten. Probably.

This was an extreme example of code used in a way that the creator did not intend it. The project owner conveniently left out its purpose was when explaining the goals. I conveniently didn’t focus too much on that part. It was great pay for me at the time. It was a great project. Maybe I just didn’t want to know what it would be used for. I got distracted.

There are other examples of when code is used in ways it wasn’t intended, and of code that does bad things.

A year and a day ago, a developer named Bill Sourour wrote a blog post. It opened with the line: “If you write code for a living, there’s a chance that at some point in your career, someone will ask you to code something a little deceitful – if not outright unethical.”

Bill had been asked to create a quiz that would almost always give a result that benefitted his client. Bill worked in Canada, and in Canada there are laws in place that limit how pharmaceutical companies can advertise prescription drugs to customers. Anyone could learn about the general symptoms a given drug addressed, but only patients with prescriptions could get specific information about the drug.

Because of this law, the quiz was posing as a general information site and not an advertisement for a specific drug. If the user didn’t answer that either they were allergic to the drug or already taking it, every quiz result suggested this specific drug. That’s what the requirements said to do, and that’s what Bill coded up.

The project manager did a quick test before submitting the website to the client. She told Bill that the quiz was broken: it always had the same answer. “Those were the requirements,” Bill responded. “Oh. Ok.”

A little while later, Bill got an email from a colleague that had a link to a news article. A young woman had taken the drug that Bill had built this quiz for. She had killed herself. It turns out that one of the main side effects of the drug were severe depression and suicidal thoughts.

Nothing Bill did was illegal. Like me, Bill was a young developer making great money. The purpose of the site was to push a particular drug - that’s why it was being built. He chalked it up to marketing. He never intended for this to happen. Maybe Bill got distracted too.

As his conclusion, Bill writes:

As developers, we are often one of the last lines of defense against potentially dangerous and unethical practices.

We’re approaching a time where software will drive the vehicle that transports your family to soccer practice. There are already AI programs that help doctors diagnose disease. It’s not hard to imagine them recommending prescription drugs soon, too.

The more software continues to take over every aspect of our lives, the more important it will be for us to take a stand and ensure that our ethics are ever-present in our code.

Since that day, I always try to think twice about the effects of my code before I write it. I hope that you will too.

Bill’s story isn’t that far off from mine, but there are still other examples.

Earlier this year, a story came out that Uber had built into its ridesharing app code they call “greyball”. It’s a feature of their VTOS (or violation of terms of service) tool that can populate the screen with fake cars when the app is opened by users in violation of the terms of service.

In a statement, Uber said, “This program denies ride requests to users who are violating our terms of service — whether that’s people aiming to physically harm drivers, competitors looking to disrupt our operations, or opponents who collude with officials on secret ‘stings’ meant to entrap drivers.”

In practice, as The New York Times reports, it was used in Portland to avoid code enforcement officers working to build a case against Uber for operating without a license. When triggered by Uber’s logic, it populates the app with cars that don’t exist, with fake drivers who quickly cancel after accepting a ride.

I am not a lawyer, but it seems like this is likely an obstruction of justice, itself a crime outside of Uber’s unlawful operations in Portland. Greyball is used even today, though mostly outside the United States. I’m a huge fan of ridesharing - though I use a competitor in Austin and Boston called Fasten rather than the much larger Uber or Lyft. But it’s not uncommon to see in the news these days articles about heinous things these drivers are doing. Greyball may have enabled some of those.

Again, it’s an unintended consequence of a tool built. Maybe the greyball internal pitch was to “greyball” users who were in violation of the terms of service. People who were under 18, or who didn’t pay to clean up their late night explosive accidents one too many times for example. Rather than block them, probably causing them to create a new account, they could be put into an alternate dimension where for some reason they just couldn’t ever get a ride. That’s fine, right?

If these developers had thought about the worst possible case for how this could be used, maybe obstruction of an investigation into Uber’s shady dealings would have come up in that conversation and it could have been addressed early on. Maybe they were distracted by the face value of the request from looking deeper at the purpose and uses.

There’s all sorts of things as well that aren’t as black and white (if you’ll excuse the pun). Apps that always listen to the microphone to tailor ads to you based on what you say near your <phone, websites designed to exploit psychology to take up as much of your time and attention as <possible, and any number of apps that opt you into mailing lists when you sign up or purchase something. These aren’t nearly as obviously bad, but at least in my opinion they’re still kind of shady.

This value system is different for others. We don’t always agree as individuals what is right and wrong, or even with what should be legal or illegal.

There are actually words for things that society decides are good or bad versus what you or I individually believe: ethics and morals. While modern philosophy more or less uses these terms interchangeably, a common understanding at least between us will be important later.

Ethics are imposed by an outside group. A society, a profession, a community such as ours or even where you live. Religions provide ethical systems, as do groups of friends. Societies in whatever form define right and wrong, good and bad, and imposes those on its members. Ethics in societies such as local, state, and national groups are often, but not always, coded into laws.

Morals are a more personal version of the same thing. Society as a whole imposes its mores on smaller communities, and all of that trickles down to the individual level. That’s not to say that your morals can’t conflict with the ethics of society. For example, you might think that freedom of speech is a basic human right, but live somewhere that defacing religious or political objects is considered wrong.

Let’s not get distracted by morals and ethics yet, though. We’ll come back to them.

The unifying factor in all of the stories I’ve told is that a developer wrote the code that did these unethical or immoral things. As a profession, we have a superpower: we can make computers do things. We build tools, and ultimately some responsibility lies with us to think through how those tools will be used. Not just what their intention is, but also what misuses might come out of them. None of us wants to build things that will be used for evil.

The Association for Computing Machinery is a society dedicated to advancing computing as a science & profession. ACM includes this in their Code of Ethics and Professional Conduct:

Well-intended actions, including those that accomplish assigned duties, may lead to harm unexpectedly. In such an event the responsible person or persons are obligated to undo or mitigate the negative consequences as much as possible. One way to avoid unintentional harm is to carefully consider potential impacts on all those affected by decisions made during design and implementation.

So how can we “carefully consider potential impacts”? Honestly, I don’t have any answers to this. I don’t think that there really is a universal answer yet, because if we had it I have to believe we’d not be building these dangerous pieces of software.

I do have a couple of ideas though. One I got from my friend Schneems is to add to the planning process a step where we come up with the worst possible uses of our software. In opting in folks to an email list by default, the worst case might be that we send them a bunch of unwanted email and they unsubscribe. Maybe they even stop being a customer. As Schneems said: “Am I willing to sell my hypothetical startup’s soul for a bigger mailing list, when that might be all that keeps the company afloat? Yeah, no problem.” That makes sense to me. I don’t think it’s the best practice, but in the end it’s not physically hurting anyone. If I had sat down and thought about what the WiFi location app could be used for in the worst case, I would have come to a very different conclusion.

Actually, thinking about the worst possible uses of code could probably be a fun exercise. You might come up with some pretty wacky examples like “If we send Batman an email and he happens to have notifications on his iPhone for new emails, he might be looking at the notification when the Riddler drives by in the Riddler Car and he might not catch him before he gets off his witty one liner at the crime scene. Riddle me this, riddle me that, who’s afraid of the big, black bat?.” This isn’t so plausible, but it shows that these exercises can go down all sorts of different paths that aren’t obvious at a glance.

Another, the thing that I think I should have done, and that we can all do more of, is to simply not take requests at face value. The project owner at the Defense contractor I worked at didn’t spell out what the reason for the code was. But at least in retrospect, it wasn’t a big leap of logic. “We’re going to build an app to find WiFi signals” is all true, but it’s not the whole truth. Asking them, or myself, “why” enough times probably would have led me to a much earlier understanding. Why? To find the sources. Why? To go to them. Why? Why? Why?

Comedian Kumail Nanjiani, best known for the TV show Silicon Valley and his recent film The Big Sick, took to Twitter recently on this subject.

I know there's a lot of scary stuff in the world right now, but this is something I've been thinking about that I can't get out of my head.

As a cast member on a show about tech, our job entails visiting tech companies, conferences, etc. We meet people eager to show off new tech.

Often we'll see tech that is scary. I don't mean weapons. I mean altering video, tech that violates privacy, stuff with obvious ethical issues.

And we'll bring up our concerns to them. We are realizing that ZERO consideration seems to be given to the ethical implications of tech.

They don't even have a pat rehearsed answer. They are shocked at being asked.

Which means nobody is asking those questions.

"We're not making it for that reason but the way people choose to use it isn't our fault. Safeguards will develop." But tech is moving so fast.

That there is no way humanity or laws can keep up. We don't even know how to deal with open death threats online.

Only "Can we do this?" Never "should we do this?" We've seen that same blasé attitude in how Twitter or Facebook deal with abuse and fake news.

Tech has the capacity to destroy us. We see the negative effect of social media. No ethical considerations are going into dev of tech.

You can't put this stuff back in the box. Once it's out there, it's out there. And there are no guardians. It's terrifying. The end.

It’s a major problem when we’re given so much power in tech, but we’re not doing anything to ensure that we use it safely. Thinking about what we’re doing and being careful not to build things that can be used maliciously is really important.

Make your own decisions. Make your own choices. Make your own judgement.

For engineers in particular, we develop systems. But the systems we develop can be used for different things. The software that I was using in Iraq is the same you’d use in marketing. It’s the same tools. It’s the same analysis.

I guess technologists should realize that we have an ethical obligation to make decisions that go beyond just meeting deadlines for creating a product. Let’s actually take some chunks of time time and think ‘what are the consequences of this system? How can this be used? How can it be misused?’ Let’s try to figure out how we can mitigate a software system from being misused, or decide whether or not you want to implement it at all. There are systems that if misused can be very dangerous.

Don’t get distracted by deadlines and feature requests. Think about the consequences of what you’re building. Build in safeguards to prevent misuse, or don’t build it at all because it’s too dangerous.

I’m asking you to do something about this. Well, I guess I’m asking you to not do something because of this. It’s only fair that we talk a bit about how and when to take a stand.

Let’s say I had a time machine and could go back in time to 2011 and do it all over again. I already have the foreknowledge that this tool is unethical. I’ve accepted this job. I’ve moved across the country from Tempe, Arizona to Brookville, Maryland. I’ve driven the two hour commute to Sterling, Virginia, home of 395 defense contractors awarded 16.8 trillion dollars in contracts over the past 16 years. It’s my first job out of school, and it’s my first day. I don’t have my clearance so I’m an intern. My new project owner introduces me to the team then pulls me into a side room to give me an overview of the project. What do I say?

I think the first thing is to establish a mutual understanding of the task. It’s entirely possible at this point that I don’t understand what the actual thing is, and that I’m overreacting. I ask “Why are we finding these signals” and the project owner says “We want to find people’s cell phones.” “Who’s finding them, and why?” I ask. “I don’t know, probably some soldiers in the Middle East.” “Why?” I repeat. “I can’t tell you that.”

“I can’t tell you that” is something I got a lot from this project owner. It’s code for “I have clearance and I know things about this project. I know what you’re asking and I know the answer but I am not allowed to tell you.”

At this point, I think we have a mutual understanding. The task is to help soldiers find people’s phones, probably attached to those people. The reason is left unsaid but we both know.

This organization is a defense contractor. They build things for the military. It is their core competency. They’re not not going to do this…. On the other hand, I care a lot about not killing people. The company’s goal is to build things for the military. If my goal is not to let this happen, then there isn’t a good fit for me at this company. This probably means that the worst case here is that I’m going to leave today without a job. Either I’ll say no and they’ll fire me, or I’ll say “that’s not something I’m comfortable with, best of luck” and quit. These are the worst case scenarios, not necessarily what will happen.

Before saying no then, I need to consider: Can I afford to leave here without a job financially? Am I likely to be able to rely on my network to get me another job? Have I built up a trust with my employer where I can go to them with this type of thing and feel confident that I’ll be heard out? The answer to these questions was no for me in 2011. Sometimes, something is important enough that you should still do something, but there’s a lot that goes into these decisions. I’d like to think that I would still say no.

Let’s look at another situation, where someone did the ethical thing. A developer we’ll call Alice received a strange request. We want to identify weak passwords in the system to notify users to change them. We’d like you to run a password cracking program on the very, very, large password database.

This was a long time ago, before aged passwords were common. Expiring old passwords wasn’t a straightforward option. Alice thought this was a weird request, but said that if the appropriate paperwork was completed she would be willing.

Alice received the completed paperwork and ran the password crack. The next request was “We’d like the list of users along with their weak passwords”. Alice knew that her coworkers had a valid desire to help customers improve their passwords. She also knew that users often re-used passwords. Combining the email and password into one report could allow someone to log into the customers’ accounts on other websites.

Alice pointed this out to her manager, and together they worked with the CSA team to design an email that didn’t include the password. Customers received notifications about their weak passwords, and there was less risk of the report falling into malicious hands. No one was fired and Alice built up trust within her team.

Different scenarios need different ways of analyzing what you should do. In some cases, the right thing to do say nothing and build the product. It isn’t a simple thing to make this decision.

But don’t get distracted by having to think through it. Sometimes your code can kill people.

Further Reading

Does Technology Need to Be Ethical? Anil Dash briefly talks to The Atlantic about tech ethics.

Is your smartphone listening to you? The BBC addresses whether tech companies use your phone to listen to what you’re saying while not using their apps, and if they even can.

Know your ethical obligations regarding coding and documentation A blog post on how to define your ethical obligations as a programmer, some ways of dealing with them, and some real world examples

‘The Business of War’: Google Employees Protest Work for the Pentagon Google employees ask Google’s CEO not to build software to help the military build warfare technology

Volkswagen America’s CEO blames software engineers for emissions cheating scandal VW’s CEO blames software engineers for changing how diesel emissions are reported during tests. Even if they were doing what they were told, someone up the chain can throw the blame back onto the programmers.

Glossary of Terms

Gaussian Estimation Used in the WiFi geolocation algorithm to estimate free space path loss using probability density estimation. It said “it’s less likely to be nearby if you’re looking for it and more likely to be further out”.

Genetic Algorithm A type of machine learning or searching that is inspired by the theory of evolution. It uses randomization to create populations of individuals and tests their fitness to determine which ones will reproduce. It was used to increase accuracy in the geolocation algorithm.

Heroku A cloud platform as a service (PaaS) supporting several programming languages, that is used as a web application deployment model. It supports Java, Node.js, Scala, Clojure, Python, PHP, and Go.

Kalman Filter A Kalman Filter can be used any time you have a model of motion and some noisy data that you want to produce a more accurate prediction.

Memoization Remembering the result of a calculation based on its arguments, and then using that result instead of re-calculating if the same method call is made with the same arguments. Caleb’s team did this with a hash/dictionary/map (different names for the same thing) that contained the location pairs as keys and the distance between them as values.

R2 Algorithm Used in the WiFi geolocation algorithm to measure the difference between expected and actual signal strength for each point in a search grid. The smallest difference is the most likely to be the correct distance from the source.

[whispers-of-ink]

2186, Chapter V: An optimal life

Harper quit that very same day and spent they next few hiding back at the apartment.

Maybe they would come to force Harper to optimize. Was that how organist teachers disappeared? The thought triggered a sharp shiver. Harper didn’t want any improvements, didn’t want to stop belonging to the human species to become a... a bunch of walking iron. It wasn’t like there had been a chance to see it first hand either, but... it simply wouldn’t fit in Harper’s mind. What was there to gain? What could be better than skin and the heat of the blood pumping beneath it? Better than tiredness, hunger, thirst... and the pleasure of satiating them? What? What could be? What was Harper not seeing?

All optimized that Harper had met had said that one had to see it to understand it, but none of them had wanted to show. See what?, was the ever question, and no one knew what to answer. One morning, after coffee and a thorough reflection, Professor Gutiérrez had said: The day to day.

Harper didn’t know what that meant.

Now, Harper drank coffee alone, waiting for something to happen and wondering if that would hinder future job interviews. Barely a few months have passed working at Turing School. Harper looked up to the touch calendar on the wall: August 5th, Saturday, it marked. Five months of experience in the future. Would that be enough to ask for employment at another school? Would moving out be required for that?

Someone knocked on the door on that precise instant. Harper swallowed and waited a few seconds. The mug was floating half way for a sip. Harper put it very carefully back on the dining table, fearing an optimized could hear that. They knocked again.

“Harper?”

A relieved sigh escaped Harper. Amanda Bentsen. It didn’t take long to reach the door.

“You’re okay...” She exhaled. “I thought something had happened to you. When you didn’t come back to the yard I thought you had lost track of time and we simply hadn’t come upon each other again, but then you didn’t show up the next day, or the next... and Zacker said you were no longer with us and I thought... I thought that maybe you were hit by a car or that you had had some kind of accident with something you didn’t understand because, of course, you’ve spent so much time in cryogenization and... I don’t know?” She let her hands fall to her sides. “I was worried.”

Harper shyly smiled.

“I quit. I’m fine.”

Amanda gaped for a moment, then nodded with sadness. “... Oh, I see. I’m... glad to see you’re okay. Well, then... eh... I just wanted to make sure.”

She turned and walked among the sunset shadows towards the elevator. She was going to leave and Harper didn’t know what to say to stop her. Did it have any sense to stop her? What did she come for, anyway? A fleeting thought was enough to unleash the terror; what if she had wanted to make sure that it was Harper’s house? That Harper was still there, hiding, in the perfect place for a lynching?

“You know?” Amanda turned, angry. “You’re an asshole. You could have said you were leaving. This you have done is very ugly; do you know how much it hurt me? I was very scared about you. I thought we were... I don’t know. Did you talk so much with me for no reason? If I saw you outside work, I can’t remember? What an asshole you are!”

Terror mingled with pain.

“Hey, I had no choice!” Harper complained. “I ran away and I’ve been hiding here for I don’t even know how many days just because some brats realized I haven’t been “optimized”! What would you know about fear when —?” 

"Wait, what?” Amanda interrupted, eyes wide open. “You ran away? Why didn’t you say anything?”

Harper, who wasn’t as fast adapting to new information, was still riding the emotions.

"Of course I wanted to tell you! But how? I didn’t have your number, nor your e-mail; you wouldn’t give them to me because of some paranoia you had about it and I was scared to get out of here. How did you get my address?”

Amanda walked back to the door.

“Let me in.”

“How do I know you haven’t come here to ambush me? Convince me to come out, that it is “safe” and there isn’t a crowd waiting for me to —?”

“Harper, listen to yourself.” Amanda said, deeply serious. “ I would never do such a thing, okay? Let me in. I won’t make you come out and nobody’s coming to kill you. I promise.”

Harper regarded her for a second, hyperventilating. Then sidestepped, Amanda kept waiting.

“Come in.” Harper invited nervously, watching the elevator.

“You have to push the button in the wall panel,” she kindly explained. “The one with the person.”

Harper frowned. Looked at the panel and, indeed, there was the button. Along some others, and none made any sense.

“What for?”

She laughed. “Has no one ever visited you?” Harper didn’t understand how her mood could shift so easily. “I’m sure you even go out for groceries yourself. Look, no one can come in if you don’t invite them with that button. Well, almost no one. It’s a security measure. It needs your fingerprint. No one is going to kill you in your sleep, Harper.”

Harper considered it, then pushed the button. Nothing changed, but Amanda got through the door. Maybe a prank of hers? Harper expected to be laughed at, but she didn’t. A button... how could that keep anyone from coming in?

Harper closed the door.

Amanda walked to the couch and left her windbreaker on it. Then, her purse.

“I stole your address from the school’s archive.” She blushed a little. ”Hey... I’m sorry for calling you asshole.”

Harper sighed.

“Never mind.”

"I was worried, you see...”

“It doesn’t matter, Amanda.”

She pursed the lips. They held each other’s gaze for a couple of tense seconds.

“You have never gotten an improvement? Ever?”

"No.”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t want to.”

“But almost every one of them is free. Social Security puts the dough for most of the improvements that—”

“I don’t want to, okay?” Harper interrupted her. “I don’t like it. I don’t want to be optimized. I don’t want to be a canned brain.”

Amanda exhaled.

“A small improvement could protect you from people like those brats. It would be something.”

“I don’t want any.”

“But why not? What’s wrong about them?” Amanda rose her voice, frustated, and  Harper didn’t answer. “I think you simply don’t understand. If you could see it with your own eyes...”

“My ‘own eyes’? Or with a pair of bionic ones?” Harper crossed the arms. “There is absolutely nothing to see or understand.”

“The day to day is very different when you’re optimal.”

Inhaling deeply and challenging her with a look, Harper observed her for as many seconds as needed to realize she was right. What an asshole.

“You’re improved.” Harper sentenced, almost a reproach.

Amanda crossed the arms. “No, I’m optimal.”

“But you were freezed too.”

“Yes, and then I got optimized. And now everything is so much easier.”

“Honestly, I don’t see how it could have improved anything in your life.”

It was the derogatory tone which made Amanda’s eyes fill with tears. But she didn’t let any of them fall. She held Harper’s gaze and sniffled discreetly.

“I had cancer, Harper. They said six months was all I got. It had just started to metastasize when I got freezed. I would have died if I hadn’t been optimized.”

Harper didn’t know what to say.

“Years of chemo, throwing up, wanting to die because of the pain. I know perfectly what fear is. And you ask what's better being optimized? Except for all the pain it took away?”

She didn’t look at the television, but it turned on. Blinds went down and lights turned on.

“Well, everything,” Amanda let her arms fall to her sides. “Houses are prepared to be extensions of our own bodies. We can only enter if invited to, and being invited allows us to interact with the interface of where we might be. Internet is completely free and global, and all our devices can connect to it because our very bodies are the router. I don’t need to carry money on me, or cards, or anything. Absolutely everything has been made for my commodity.”

Harper looked away to the television, wanting to argue that all of that commodity has come in exchange for her own freedom, but still regretting how they had started the argument. On the screen, a ginger woman, with dark skin and asian features, walked a long, blue carpet towards what seemed to be a technological institute. Again, High Definition seemed more real than reality. It was an easy scape.

“Who’s that?” Harper dared to ask. At least a minute had gone by in silence.

Amanda sat on the sofa without a word. It was obvious she was still angry. Harper followed her.

“I had never put the tele on,” Harper confessed, then felt an explanation was needed: “Well... I did once, but I wasn’t interested at all.”

"Well, you should watch it more, it is a clear example of how useful optimizations are.” Amanda said, voracious.

Harper exhaled through the nose, too proud to apologize.

“That’s Optima,” Amanda continued, pointing to the woman on the screen. “First person to be optimized ever.”

A nice surprise, Harper thought, that that was a woman.

“And why does she appear on the... news? I guess that’s the news.

Amanda sighed. “Optima is the first to test all new models, every one of them, since the first, back in 2067. No one knows how she looks like until the next one comes out. She loves to challenge old stereotypes, and people love to comb the photos of all important events she attends to try to guess who could she be. It’s always an event when her true appearance is discovered.”

"Why doesn’t she want to show how they left her? Is it that companies are scared of people seeing how they screwed her up?”

"Not at all; all mistakes are documented and made public. People are usually two versions behind, just for convinience. They are more stable models. She is the pioneer. Optima is just a nickname, no one knows her true name. She values her intimacy a lot.”

Harper sighed. “Just as everyone, I guess.”

Optima, two meters high and five centimeters high heels, stood clearly out in the crowd of fantasy hairs and futuristic hairdos to which Harper would never get used to. She waved her hand and threw a winked kiss to the camera before getting inside the building followed by her sponsors and bodyguards.

Harper took the remote and turned off the TV, not wanting to take another shot at the argument but something burning in the chest. As many improvements she said it had brought into her life, it was just as easy to do those things yourself and not sell your soul for metal and cables. Surely there already was a way to avoid metastasis.

“Amanda...” Harper started without a clue on how to continue. “I... is just that... I don’t want you to be optimized.”

“Why?”

Their eyes met. In Amanda’s there was a shade of pain well different from any other Harper had ever seen. One so intense it made Harper’s throat sore and speechless.

“Because... I...”

Harper’s hand searched for hers, caressed it timidly, trying to find what was beneath, wondered vaguely if optimized people suffered some kind of simulations that allowed them to feel bones beneath the flesh, and not that which clearly was a perfect cilinder.

Amanda put her other hand over Harper’s and softly removed it.

“I’m not going to apologize for surviving,” she said, her voice but a cold whisper.

She stood up and removed her things.

“Goodbye, Harper. Nice to meet you. I guess.”

Once again, Harper didn’t know what to say to stop her from leaving. When the words came up, Amanda had already left.

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I am contemplating quitting your Progressive policy to very good money at for drivers with alot a 16yr old first I find the official think 17 year olds to know.. What car? $200 a month something might be getting a for the next 11 price range should i under the age of and got very sick. high will my insurance soon and want to it to get towed. person which would cost insurance will cover me driving, I have good I live in Florida, would it be, thx! much would health insurance way up if a but have the car currently share one vehicle. and I only earn spot. Allstate sent an day on the weekend. here had experience with got his Jr s license insurance policy or company? control and regulations on passed my test and this cause i m in my bank so my go through, needing somethign i dont know what in California. If you ve car insurance in my .

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