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builtaworldwithyourlove · 3 months

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Free Falling

Chapter One

1.6k / (eventual) husband!joel x f!reader /minors dni

‘I felt very still and very empty, the way the eye of a tornado must feel’

Summary: you take the leap to leave your stagnant relationship, and end up falling into the arms of a man who will give you the life you always dreamed of.

Content: loveless relationship, TW: domestic violence, emotional abuse, age gap (reader is mid-late 20s, Joel is late 30s-mid 40s), angst, allusions of cheating, sad sad sad but Joel will save the day, slow burn, smut, fluff, oc(reader’s boyfriend and friends/family), mention of reader grieving loss of her dad, swearing, smoking, alcohol consumption, no outbreak!au

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The front door slammed. The alarm clock showed 4:47am. James was meant to leave for work at 5:30 am, but he had clearly made a point of leaving early and waking you up in the process.

You swallowed, forcing the lump in your throat back down as you regained awareness and the ringing in your ears reminded you of the reason for the spite behind your boyfriend’s exit. The hole in the wall and the dull aching in your wrist served as an ugly reminder, just as much as the echoes of James’ yells.

Your mum hated James, and if your dad was still here, James would have been given the boot, whether it was down to you or not. However, you had settled. You were soft spoken, kind, caring, beautiful. Any guy would be lucky to have you and deep down you knew this, but again, you were too kind to ever say no.

James had moved in with you after you bought your home with the inheritance from your dad. His name was on no legal document, and he had no financial input to the running of your home, yet you let him encroach, and you felt more of a guest than he did. Things were really good at the start, he treated you okay and you got on well most of the time, then came the messages from girls on Instagram and the late nights smelling of alcohol and perfume. You slowly detatched yourself from him, mentally learned to not feel any sort of way. You weren’t interested in anyone else, but you just didn’t love him anymore. He sure as hell didn’t love you anymore.

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Last night was the final straw:

You had got home from work, beaming with pride for the new promotion and set of responsibilities that came with it. The inheritance money from your dad help set you up in your home, but you worked damn hard to keep up with the cost of running the place. Mortgage payments and bill payments came out of your own pocket.

‘James?’ You shouted, half defeated. You hung your bag up on the back of the barstools in the kitchen, and preheated the oven for dinner.

Your phone rang.

‘Hi, I’m not about for dinner. Don’t worry about me’ James slurred down the phone.

‘Okay, be safe. See you when you’re home. Love you.’ You may as well have spoken to a brick wall, as James hung up and the line went down.

Your eyes stung, but you shook it off and continued with your dinner and ran a bath and got into bed. You had a huge day of meetings tomorrow and were determined to make a good impression on your new team.

James eventually stumbled in, waking you up as usual and treating the house as a rage room.

You held your eyes tight, and your palms sweated as your body froze. Remember the feeling when you were seven and thought you heard a ghost, or a monster under the bed?

He bounded up the stairs and shouted your name. He grabbed your wrists and woke you up.

‘Where’s my dinner?’ He slurred.

‘You told me you weren’t about.’ You meekly defended yourself.

‘Fucking useless’ he hissed.

You sobbed. ‘We’re done.’ You had finally snapped. You couldn’t even give an argument or any other words. Just that.

James punched the wall, inches away from the television opposite the bed, then proceeded to stumble backwards and pass out on the bed.

You set his alarm an hour earlier, out of spite, knowing he’d hate being woken up and would probably not be able to go back to sleep. As you unlocked his phone:

1 new message from Lexi:

See you in the office tomorrow, thanks for the drink!💋

You chuckled dryly, and got back to sleep. You felt a weight had lifted and you could finally live life on your own terms and be your own person.

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You had finished getting ready for work, and decided to call your mum on the way to the office.

‘Hey Mumma,’ you whispered softly.

‘Baby, are you okay? James texted me asking if I could get his stuff ready for his mum to collect,’ your mum sounded concerned but also slightly hopeful.

‘I ended it. It was too much, he broke my wall, he hurt me. I owed it to you, Daddy and myself to do better,’ your voice cracked, but you reminded yourself of how much you deserved this life you worked so hard to finally be able to live.

‘I’ll kill him. Motherfucker.’ Your mum scoffed.

‘I’m fine Mum. I got my promotion, I wanted to throw a celebration at mine this weekend to tell you. Why don’t you and the girlies come round for drinks and we’ll debrief.’

‘I’m so proud of you, plum’ your mum sniffled, and you wanted to reach out and cuddle her, ‘ I hope you’re dressed to the nines for the meeting today.’

‘I dug out the Speedy and she is back in business’ you laughed.

‘That’s my girl.’

James hated your designer hand bags. He thought it was pretentious and he hated the way people looked at him after the conversation stuck at the fact you had bought everything for yourself. His money went on boys nights.

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You made it through the day. Everyone in the office loved you, and you were so hardworking and intelligent. Admittedly though, you cried over a glass of rosé with your ultimate hypeman and bestfriend Lottie at lunchtime. If anyone was going to give your praise, it was her and your mum. Your little sisters were too young to give you adult praise, but they had their own ways of expressing their pride, as well as 12 year old girls can.

You stopped off at your Uncle and Auntie’s florist as you did every Friday, for your fresh bouquet of weekend flowers. Rufus was your dad’s best friend, and his wife Clara was like a second Mum to you, hence the Auntie and Uncle title, as they earned it.

They had your sunflowers wrapped in brown paper, with a polaroid of your dad tucked in the fold. Every week they would surprise you with a new picture of your dad, which you hung as a trophy on the inside of your wine glass cabinet. Your dad loved his wine, and you knew he’d be best remembered when people were getting their tipple.

You choked up, like you always do when you see your dad, and Clara held you tight. Rufus came up behind you and swept your soft curls off your shoulder and cuddled you both in his arms.

‘I love you both so much’ you sniffled, wiping your tears, ‘I wanted to tell you both i broke up with James. I wish Daddy was here so we could pop a bottle.’

Clara cackled, and Rufus waited to see if you were going to cry anymore or if it was safe territory to joke along.

‘I’m gonna need a number of someone to fix my wall and change my locks though,’ you shuffled a stone across the florist floor, looking down out of fear of being interrogated.

Rufus rolled his eyes and lit a cigarette, you took a drag and Clara gave you a number of an old friend.

‘Your mum would kill both of us,’ Rufus pointed at you, as you held onto the cigarette and blew the smoke in his face with a wink.

‘Mum’d let me off, I’ve been through a whirlwind.’ No one could tell you no. As much as people could take advantage of your softness, you knew how to wrap people around you little finger. ‘I’m having drinks at mine tomorrow, come. Mum and the twins will be there, so will a couple of the girls. I’d love you there.’

‘Don’t need to ask us twice, plum’ Rufus kissed your head, and Clara kissed your cheek as she held your head tightly.

Your heart was full, and for once there was no dread or fear.

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You got to your front door, and crossing the threshold, inhaled a deep breath. The smell of your perfume lingered, and there was no sign of James. All his stuff was gone, and his car wasn’t there. His set of keys was on the side, with a note that said ‘thank you for everything, I’m sorry I couldn’t be the man for you.’

It was bittersweet, as you used to love him, but this was a chapter that needed to end. He didn’t want kids, or marriage or the picket fence. This was convenient and you had too much love in your heart, which needed reciprocating.

You twiddled the card in your fingers, with a number and the name Mr Joel Miller written on it.

You sat in your lounge, legs tucked up on the sofa beneath you, and you boldy texted.

‘Hey Joel. My auntie Clara gave me your number. Are you okay to do some work on my place tomorrow, I know it’s Saturday but I have evening plans and need it fixed or my mum will flip her shit. I’ll pay double and provide coffee🤸🏻’

Joel smirked upon reading the text, and somehow, his heart skipped a beat.

‘Hey darling, how could I forget about Clara’s girl. I’m so sorry to hear about your dad. I’ll be there tomorrow. Thanks for asking😘.’

Your bit your lip, you vaguely remembered Joel from family parties, and he was a good friend of your family’s, but you had never really said a word to him, always too occupied with not winding James up.

You left the message as read, and decided to have an evening of housework to get the house somewhat presentable for Joel.

You snuggled up in bed after showering and doing your fake tan Friday routine. Leo, your British Blue kitten, pounced upon your satin sheets and eventually settled for the night with you.

You dozed off, with nothing but hope and positivity in your mind.

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thoughtslikeocean · 3 months

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June 27, 2024

I felt rage for the first time yesterday. True rage. And it scared me.

As someone who I would say has very good control over my emotions, I was shocked that I felt so out of control over my own body.

My mom burst in the room hollering around 4/5 am about the doors being left unlocked the previous night. Turned the lights on and I mean IRATE!

I was so caught off guard that it my thoughts all started spiraling at once. Somehow someway I immediately moved to burning the house down. And I don't mean in a joking way, it was like in the moment the thought of doing that was so real. Well after about maybe 2 minutes (give or take i'm not even sure, time was surely not being tracked accurately) I realized how I was actually feeling. Maybe I was beginning to come down from my fight or flight. But then I was TERRIFIED of myself. I was like omg yes she shouldn't have barged in like that but it is absolutely not an appropriate reaction to want burn the house down!

I immediately started looking up anger management clinics in the area and searching different therapists that focus on anger management. I was like omg this whole time I thought I was a really calm person but in reality I remain calm because I think like this when I'm angry. I started questioning my entire life lol it was crazy. At the time it was like 5 AM so I knew no one would answer my calls until prob like 9 so my plan was to just stay put in my bed until then.

In the meantime, I ended up texting Brittany and telling her that I think I have anger issues and what happened and when I tell you her responses had me literally laughing out loud! Like audibly laughing with tears coming out of my eyes. I could feel the anger leaving my body with each text message. To sum it up she was like girl you don't have anger issues. She woke you up screaming and yea you weren't thinking logically at the time cause who would dead in the middle of sleeping at that hour. She also reminded me that this is an isolated incident and that never in my 30 years of life have I really gotten that mad before. So as of today, I now know one of my biggest triggers is people hollering at me in the middle of my sleep for no logical reason lmao.

Once I fully came to my senses, I sent her a voice message telling her to never do that again. Of course she didn't reply and of course she's here in this kitchen walking around here like nothing ever happened. It's her way of being sorry. I already know. I'm not gonna lie though, I'm at a point in my life where I need more than a "Do you want something to eat?" as an apology. I need words. So I'm not really feeling her at the moment tbh. And yes I'll eventually get over it but I do know that every time something happens and people don't resolved the things appropriately, it leaves a stain. It changes the way you move with people.

It's still fresh though. And I'm leaving to go to New Orleans tomorrow so she'll get a break.

Ew. Typing this made feelings come back up. I dont like that. Goodbye.

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kashimos-hajime · 4 years

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dear... whoever | b.b.

summary: a mandated series of long and short diary entries from the new head of R&D for Stark Industries.

WARNINGS: swearing, LOTS of fluff, mentions of drinking and sex and hospitals and guns, general fun and witty attitude, small angst, big jealousy, obviously au after civil war. everything after does not exist. pairing: bucky barnes x fem!reader word count: 9.5k

a/n: written for @softbiker and 100% inspired by @sunmoonandbucky with the format. my prompt was let me love you by rita ora and i wrote it from the perspective the singer is singing it to rather than the actual singer. this was super fun to write. enjoy!

July 31/20

Dear…

Whoever is going to read this. So… me, in the future probably. So, it should be dear WHOMever, I think, but it sounds wrong.

Is it too cliché to say dear diary? I don’t know. After all, I don’t WANT to be writing this but unfortunately I am because it’s mandated. Apparently, the psychiatrist that works for Stark Industries thinks it’s necessary that I write down my feelings and show that I’ve adjusted to working part-time superhero, full-time head of Tony’s stupid R&D department.

Something about how that much stress can cause psychotic fractures in the worst case scenario.

Cute.

Anyway, I don’t know what to write. Currently, it’s 4:23AM. The only reason I’m awake is because I have trouble sleeping on the best night. I heard Barnes messing about and because I am the Hermit of the Rec Room Couch (catchy, I know), I can hear him just walking about.

What the hell is he even doing?

To be honest, I’ve never talked to Barnes besides the occasional greetings because he’s the sort to keep to himself, I guess, and, valid. I’m not saying it’s not, considering his history, but you know.

I think I’m a friendly person, and I’m bored. He’s eventually going to hear me writing noisily because of super-soldier hearing or whatever, so I might just get up and introduce myself.

Not that I’ve been working here for years, but whatever.

I’m really bored and hungry, honestly, so a trip to the kitchen would be considered normal (and warranted) in such circumstances.

Fuck it.

Time to make a new friend or die trying. If you never hear from me again, you’ll know why.

Aug. 1/20

Dear Jane,

I finally got the time to write in here and you may be wondering why I have named you. Well, after the conversation at roughly 4:30 AM, here are things that’ve changed in a disorganized list. None is more important than the other. I'm just writing what comes to my head.

One: Barnes said he doesn’t really let anyone call him James. I called him James once because I forgot. Profuse apologies followed. He said it was okay and didn’t mind me calling him that. Now, in my mind, I think he’s just saying this to be polite and really just wants me to call him Bucky but he seemed sincere. We’ll see how it goes.

Two: Barnes was awake because his cat woke him up. I didn’t even know he had a cat but it’s a gorgeous white cat named Alpine that Barnes carries around in his half-zipped up hoodies sometimes. It’s adorable. He’s super soft and friendly and I love him already. He showed me all the tricks Alpine could do. Amazing.

Three: Barnes’ favourite movie is the Godfather. Totally surprising there. Please tell me you understand sarcasm.

Four: He said he liked the name Jane when I told him what I was doing up and also in the rec room (couldn’t sleep, writing in my diary) and that I didn’t want to say “Dear diary”

“Why don’t you just give it a name?” he eloquently suggested and Jane was his answer to my question of “Which name?”

Five: Barnes, or James, I guess he is now, is my friend.

Six: We said we’d meet up at 4:30AM or earlier again because I told him I wanted to show him my s’mores dip recipe.

Seven: Wish me luck. Hope I don’t get murdered.

Eight: I think I might be in love with him.

Bye.

Aug. 5/20

Dear Jane,

In an effort to summarize what has happened in the past four days, I will open with the fact that James Buchana Barnes is the cutest motherfucker on the planet. He’s super old fashioned, but that’s a given. He opens the doors for me, offers to take my bags up, and in the past four days, we’ve met up at around midnight to just eat and chat. Then he walks me back to my room with a glass of water and I’m left fanning myself because it’s so sweet and he’s so sweet and OH, MY GOD, I am a child.

This feels like a crush. Like, butterflies in my stomach, self-conscious every time he looks at me, can’t stop staring, and wanting to impress him at every turn sort of crush.

AKA, a middle-school crush and I feel completely ridiculous but that is besides the point because he’s just the loveliest person.

Someone should tell him chivalry is dead. Steve thinks he’s just being sweet on me, and Sam says I should flash some ass just to get a rise out of him which would be funny. He’d look absolutely adorable blushing his head off.

We’ll see. I am considering it.

What else happened? I’m drawing a huge blank.

As explained in a previous entry, I was to show Barnes my s’mores dip recipe. Huge success. Crowd loved it. That’s how I learned he has a huge sweet tooth like me. Got an email from Pep about a board meeting which I ignored. If it’s really important, she’ll see me in person. Went swimming with Sam. We started planning Tony’s big Christmas party even though that’s MONTHS away.

But, you know. We’re so busy all the time, it might be worth it planning ahead.

As head of R&D, it’s vital to me that this goes well because they’re fun when they do go well, and a chaotic disaster when they don’t. Also, I have to find a date but details will follow.

I think that’s it.

If there’s more to follow, then I’ll just come back but there really isn’t.

Oh, Alpine found my room. He’s in here right now and he snores. It’s cute, just like his owner.

Okay, goodnight.

Aug. 7/20

Dear Jane,

Sam, James, and I went swimming.

Pro of the day: James is ripped and that man was GLISTENING.

Con of the day: I AM STUPID in front of hot ripped men.

Pro of the day: We got ice cream together. Strawberry for me, mango for James because he wants to try new flavours, and Sam ordered some monstrosity with vanilla ice cream, chocolate and raspberry syrups, and a bunch of banana slices. A swirl of whipped cream to finish it off. It looked like diabetes in a cup and that’s coming from me.

Con of the day: James used his thumb to wipe the ice cream off my lip and my brain short-circuited. Sam teased us about it, but James very stubbornly and convincingly said we’re just friends.

Con of the day x2: We are just friends and that is NOT going to change. I cannot explain how much my heart literally fell out of my body in disappointment.

God, and James and I are meeting up at 2AM tonight so he can show me this new stupid stuffed celerey recipe he learned.

It’s not stupid.

It’s really, REALLY cute he researched it.

This sucks.

Aug. 11/20

The worst day ever. I don’t want to talk about it but might as well make a note on it. More on it later, I guess.

Aug. 15/20

Dear Jane,

Sorry, I’m dramatic. Must get it from working with Tony for so many years.

Let’s just review what occurred on August 11, 2020, at approximately 3:23 in the afternoon.

I learned that James went out on a date. A DATE. From SAM. When James had ample opportunity to tell me at our regular meeting at witching hour over celery sticks.

EXCUSE ME? WHO IS THIS WOMAN?

I’m not even mad. I’m just angry that the man I became friends with only 2 weeks ago and caught feelings immediately for is seeing other people.

I sound like a raging bitch. I promise you, Jane, that I am not. I’m just the insanely jealous type.

No, I’m not.

God, what is happening to me and why does it have to be James.

I never get crushes and the instant I do, it’s for the most emotionally and physically unavailable person ON EARTH.

Also, work was work. I was distracted, drank soup from the canteen, and generally accomplished nothing. Alpine came for some snuggles while James was out. That’s the only good thing.

Thanks, universe.

Aug. 16/20

Dear Jane,

So, I brought up this mystery lady over homemade sundaes.

James seems pretty serious about her because he a) apologized for not telling because he wanted to keep it private and asked me not to tell anyone and b) has a second date with her later today.

Oh, GOD. There is no point to this.

Aug. 19/20

Dear Jane,

What’s the point of asking someone intimate, personal questions if not because you guys are best friends?

James called me his best friend today. He says he knows me, but if he did, he’d know I feel like throwing up whenever he’s around and that his stare burns through every layer of clothing until I feel like he just knows my secret.

I told him we’ve known each other less than a month, but he said something stupidly charming about “intuition” and feeling and that this feels right and how he knows he can tell me anything and that I was an easy person to talk to.

I should’ve been a shrink.

At least, my trip to Wakanda is going to give me distance. A solid two months of no one else but me, tech, and new faces. Going there to collaborate with Shuri is definitely exciting and taking up more space in my brain than James these days.

Maybe I’ll fall in love with some soldier over there because apparently, I’m catching feelings willy-nilly these days.

See you on the plane, Jane.

Aug. 23/20

Dear Jane,

On the quinjet, it’s fairly quiet. It’s one of the things I love about it. The silent yet soft engines that can lull me to sleep. We should be arriving in a few hours so I thought I’d write. I’m getting the hang of this, I think.

There's a press conference later, too, in the trip with the UN and it’s not that I can’t handle it, but that I could’ve done this in my sleep and wished Tony sent someone else. I hate the press, not gonna lie.

Anyway, this gives me time to be introspective.

Is it just me or James always Okay, is it just my imagination that whenever I try to get close to James, he just kinda pulls away? Not in a romantic way. I’m not stealing anyone’s man because girl code, but he won’t even let me just stand near him anymore. It’s like I have an infectious disease only transmitted through physical contact and it’s just weird.

I don’t know.

Before I left, he said he’d miss me and that we should keep in touch through calls (Obviously, I would) and that he hopes I won’t forget him.

So, you say those things but you won’t even let me even hug you?

You’re a manipulative asshole, Barnes.

Oct. 20/20

Dear Jane,

I am so sorry that it has taken so long for us to reunite.

In hindsight, I’m a fucking idiot.

I left you on the quinjet which went back to New York and a different quinjet came to pick me up. I came back like two days ago so these past few days have been spent searching for you.

James offered to help, and he seems normal again.

Weird. Guess he was just in a mood with the new girlfriend and adjusting to having me as a friend, too. Guys go through that, I guess.

In Wakanda, I did not, in fact, fall in love with a soldier or anything. I curse every day that I didn’t, trust me. I’m just as disappointed as you are because I just want to get over this stupid crush. For the two months I was gone, it was like I didn’t like James at all like that. Even during calls, I could pretend we were just two teammates keeping each other in the loop. He talked about his girlfriend, I listened, I explained science because he’s a nerd, and he asked questions like he was interested.

It was FINE.

Then, he was waiting for me when I came back to NYC and it slammed into me like Bruce in Hulk-mode.

James asked if I wanted to meet his girlfriend because she’d be coming around for the Halloween party anyway, and he thinks we’ll get along swimmingly.

He really said swimmingly. He is stuck in the wrong era, but we all knew that.

I said yes, to be polite.

Here’s to hoping she’s a vindictive bitch and I am justified in hating her entire being.

Oct. 22/20

Dear Jane,

I met her. She’s small and pretty and mature and normal.

If I wasn’t stupidly in my feelings about James, I’d love her, too.

She’d treat him right, give him a good home to come back to.

Best not to notice the people fighting beside you in that way, I guess.

Oct. 25/20

Dear Jane,

God is dead and NO ONE has eyes on the road.

Jesus isn’t even taking the wheel on this one.

It’s a fucking disaster.

I do not want to describe in every little detail the intricacies of dreaming about James Buchanan Barnes fucking my brains out, so I won’t, but this is for the record that it happened and how the fuck am I supposed to come back and see him in his probably gorgeous attempt at his recreation of Brendan Fraser from the Mummy AKA my favourite movie (which HE KNOWS THAT IT IS?? GOD, the audacity.)

Girlfriend (his girlfriend. “Girlfriend” is the name which she shall be henceforth known as in these entries because petty wins are all I have right now) is dressing as Rachel Weisz. Because “couples goals” or whatever.

I wouldn’t know. Sam and I are dressed up as sexy salt and pepper shakers (his idea, not mine) and he made me take the salt stick because I think he knows. Steve’s not dressing up because he’s more focused on handing out candy as Captain America.

Tony is… Tony. Iron Man and all that.

Anyway, I’m out of town in DC for a meeting with the Secretary of State for a few days, but I’ll be back in New York on the 30th so I’ll have a few hours to adjust to being around James again before he dons on that outfit that I know will be totally hot.

He called me his best friend again in his latest email.

Made me smile like an idiot, but I digress.

Nov. 1/20

Dear Jane,

Halloween was killer. Sam and I won best duo for costumes because we’re that good. Ate a lot of candy and it seems to be looking up.

I dunno. I didn’t mind James and Girlfriend on the couch that much in the after-party. Mostly stuck by Nat and Sharon and Tony. An ood trio, but a fun one nonetheless.

It was fun, but I still have to go to work no matter how many jello shots and vodka gummy bears consumed.

Wish me luck, not that I need it.

Why do you think Tony hired me?

Nov. 4/20

Dear Jane.

Natasha said I smile at James in a way that utterly betrays every emotion I want to hide in my chest.

Note to self: Don’t smile at James, or at his jokes, or at anything he ever does again. Avoid him. Put a stopper on this friendship.

Note to note to self: I can’t. He just makes me smile whenever he’s around and he’s always around. There’s no simpler way to put it.

I’m gonna try this hiatus thing, though. Distance myself a bit. We’ll see how it goes.

Nov. 13/20

Dear Jane,

Day nine of this hiatus business and it sucks. I miss my best friend.

We’re scheduled for a mission together, and we’re leaving tomorrow so I was going to have to talk to him during the briefing and the op either way.

Well, glad to know this didn’t work.

Nov. 15/20

Dear Jane,

Guess who just got fucking shot!

ME!

Guess even scumbags can’t take a holiday because some stupid arms dealer got a cheap shot on me while I was downloading their whole computer system and other tech mumbo-jumbo I am too high to write about.

James left a few hours ago with the rest of the team, but not before he got me a bunch of ice chips and said he was worried and that he hopes I get better soon. He even promised to get me some flowers to spruce up the room and to say my HEART went CRAZY is an understatement.

He came to my rescue, essentially, as soon as he heard I got pinned. He carried me to the quinjet the instant he cleared the area and stayed by my side the whole time even though the bleeding stopped and I was in good hands. He was just so protective, barking at doctors and nurses. It was embarrassing but also really, really sweet.

Is it weird of me to say that I want him to stay by my side forever?

I’ve never fallen in love before.

Is it always this fast and this hard? I feel like I’m crashing instead of gently and wonderfully falling. Everything is dumb and awful.

Is this what love is like? Because it hurts worse than getting shot because I think I’m going to vomit flowers or butterflies or something.

God, he’d never love me. We’re just friends and even though we have a lot in common, he’d never. It’s just too much of the past in the present or whatever.

Also, he has a girlfriend but it seems very surface-level. God, that makes me sound like a “one of the boys” type of girl who’s a bitch to one of the boy’s new girlfriends, but I don’t know. James told me they don’t really talk about the deep stuff like we do. But she makes him happy, I think.

In hindsight, one may ask what the deep stuff is.

More on that later. I’m tired.

God, why him?

I HATE THIS.

goodnight.

Nov. 16/20

Dear Jane,

James visited again today. He sat beside me and we talked until the nurses had to kick him out. He also brought the flowers.

I asked about Girlfriend casually. I said I liked her.

He said he did, too.

I don’t know why I think he’s lying. No, I do.

It’s because jealousy is the green-eyed bitch from highschool who still shows up in my life because she thinks she’s relevant to society.

That was mean. Unrequited love makes you mean. Side effect noted.

P.S. The deep stuff includes his past, his arm, his memory, his favourite colour. I dunno why that matters. It just does.

Nov. 17/20

Dear Jane,

Got out of the hospital today because of advanced technology and all that. Nothing’s left but a scar and residual soreness. James helped me to my room and said to call him if I had a problem.

I joked that he has a girlfriend and for some reason, he got really weird about it. It’s hard to describe. I dunno. Nat dropped by for popcorn and movies.

It’s 2:32AM. I’m wondering if he’s in the kitchen but I’m confined to bed rest so I don’t know. Also, Nat is asleep beside me and I don’t want to bother her.

Hopefully I can get up and move in a few days. Life is boring.

Nov. 24/20

Dear Jane,

Sorry we haven’t caught up in a moment. Work’s been hectic and I’ve been working overtime trying to make ends meet. Most days I’m in the office or lab, just trying to get enough things done so I can take time off come Christmas.

James stopped by tonight with Chinese takeout and some sweet buns.

He broke up with his girlfriend, too.

Guess that’s why he was being weird about it.

I tried being as casual as I could asking why, but he didn’t want to talk about it, so I asked why he came by. Couldn’t be for the company because when I’m in work mode, I just don’t talk and he knows that.

He said something about his arm feeling funny so I gave it a quick diagnostics check.

I think both of us knew his arm was feeling fine.

Everything is stupid, life is meaningless, and James’ lips are the prettiest shade of pink in the ugly lights of the lab.

I would very much like to have kissed him, but I didn’t.

Girl code.

It’ll probably be a while before I get another chance to actually have time and energy to write another diary entry. Christmas season’s coming close and Pepper is gonna need help with the party.

Yay, me.

Dec. 4/20

Dear Jane,

Morgan asked me in less eloquent words if I had a boyfriend (it was more like “You boyfriend?” But whatever. Who even taught her that word?) and I swear to GOD Nat could not make it anymore obvious looking at James.

Remind me to absolutely throttle her. I don’t care if she’s the infamous Black Widow. She has clearly never seen me hopped up on nothing but a negative amount of sleep and rage/embarrassment/spite/all of the above.

On another note, Pep asked if I was bringing a plus one for the party. I said I’d think about it. Normally I’d just take Sam but he has his eyes on someone at the VA and I like my friends getting laid so no go there.

Might just go alone. I don’t know.

Pep said I should take James, but I don’t really think she knows the truth about that situation. Luckily, Tony instantly rejected the idea and said he’d find me a date if I couldn’t.

Thank the universe for at least placing me in the close circle of the most well-known and richest man in the world because he also gave me his card and said go wild.

He knows me so well. I’m thinking about Christmas shopping when I have another free day, and I’ll pay for that with my own money, of course, but clothes shopping is a free market.

I cannot wait.

Dec. 12/20

Dear Jane,

I wish I could show you my haul, but I got so much stuff Happy had to drive to help me. Besides obvious gifts, I also managed to snag a gorgeous dress for the party.

Thoughts on black and gold?

I think it’s beautiful. Hopefully Nat and Sharon think so. We’re having a girls night tonight and showing off outfits, so that’s exciting.

James asked if we could meet up tonight.

I told him I had plans and he looked so downcast.

I dunno. Everything feels weird between us. Like we’re fine, we’re best friends still, but something’s changed when no one was looking. He’s single now. I guess that energy is different because I had gotten used to his energy with ex-Girlfriend.

I don’t exactly mind but it’s not ideal either. I miss summer. It’s much less complicated than winter. Winter, one has to worry about wind and chills and snows blocking roads, black ice, dry skin, freezing fingers.

Summer: there’s just a lot of sun, wind, bugs, and the vaguest notion of being bored.

Look, I love winter. It’s my favourite season. It’s quiet and gorgeous and dreamy, even though it gets dreary in New York. The snow falls slowly sometimes, Christmas is gorgeous here, and I’d rather be cold than sweating buckets, and there are no bugs to bother me. Also, it gives me a good reason to stay in the labs or in my room where it’s warm and toasty.

I just miss the relative simplicity when James and I were just strangers on the edge of being friends, which is, in retrospect, a selfish reason to like one season and hate another.

Well, some philosopher somewhere probably said something about humanity being selfish.

Dec. 16/20

Dear Jane,

T-minus nine days until the party.

No date in sight.

Maybe I’ll ask Anderson from HR. We had coffee together a few times and he’s nice. Good catch: smart, not too bad looking, and really nice. I’ll head down tomorrow and ask.

Alpine had purred when I told him my plan and headbutted my hand, so I guess I got the Alpine-Seal-of-Approval.

Dec. 17/20

Dear Jane,

Operation: Ask Anderson from HR to Tony’s Christmas Party failed. Granted, it could’ve been because that was a god awful title and that that name, in itself, prophesied catastrophic failure, but also because I was accosted by my best friend.

I wish I meant Sam.

Nope. James caught me in the elevator and we made small talk. Sounds fine, right? Then we turned the topic to the party. Talked about clothes and prospective celebrity appearances and drinks and food. Just about everything, so might as well turn to talks about dates, which meant I had to explain why I was in the elevator in the first place.

Going down to ask Anderson ended in James revealing that he didn’t have a date either.

He doesn’t know who Anderson is, which I thought would be the case, and he popped the question before the doors opened.

Notice how I said “didn't” have a date.

Guess who’s going to the party with James, clearly stated as friends, platonic soulmates, etc.?

Me.

Yippee.

Dec. 18/20

Dear Jane,

It’s 3:42AM and I’m in the rec room as usual. I was gonna not write here today but it normally helps me sleep to just write a bit, get what little thoughts are in my head out. Yeah.

I hear James in the kitchen talking to Alpine and it’s making me smile like an idiot.

Oh, shit, he knows I’m in here. He’s making milkshakes.

I am morally obligated by best friend duties to join him.

Goodnight, Jane.

Dec. 24/20

Dear Jane,

I’m not sleeping with James Buchanan Barnes tomorrow night.

This is a resolute promise. An early New Year’s resolution.

Dec. 25/20

Dear Jane,

Merry Christmas!

In between jovial festivities, I’ve finally found a little nook that’s quiet enough to write in. We opened presents, had a big family breakfast, went skating and just lounged around, and frankly, I’m exhausted. Need to recharge the old social battery.

Among the assortment of gifts is one that stands out to me. James got me a gift that said “Open When Alone” and I did before I started this entry and it was a fucking necklace. Like, a gorgeous one. It’s gold and thin and it feels wonderful. There’s a little cat paw charm on it and it’s so pretty because he has a matching bracelet for himself and I have still not yet recovered.

It’s just so sweet and it reminds me why I love him.

Yes, love has made me unbelievably sappy. I just heaved the biggest sigh in history.

Unfortunately, I have to go earlier tonight. To the party, as written in previous entries. I remember my oath of one-night celibacy and I intend on keeping it, despite how fucking endearing this gift was, because he said it best: we’re just friends. I’m not about to coerce my best friend into sleeping with me out of a piteous, unrequited love. That’s just gross.

You will either see me hungover tomorrow, or very drunk later tonight. It’s all very depending on how this night turns out.

Dec. 26/20

Dear Jane,

Fuck.

P.S. He REALLY does not mind me calling him James. Take that as dirtily or as clandestinely as you wish.

Dec. 27/20

Dear Jane,

I spent the entire day in bed with very pleasurable company.

I am SO GLAD we haven’t gotten called in because James doesn’t leave unless to go to sleep in his own bed or to eat, and I do NOT want to explain to the team that James fucked my brains out for two days straight because my heart is bursting.

He’s a good kisser. His lips are soft.

Intimate knowledge of that is now burned into my memory for future reference.

God, this is a dream come true. He doesn’t even question it, he just

It’s like I’m a goddess to him. He treats me like one, at least, and it’s like he’ll do anything I ask. And we act like it’s normal, too. Midnight trips to the kitchen included.

Best Christmas ever.

Dec. 28/20

Dear Jane,

I feel like I’m ignoring you but I’m also having the best sex of my life. He’s just… so fucking good and it’s a holiday and holy shit my mind is blown.

Love at first meeting isn’t real.

Well, maybe this one time, it was destiny.

Dec. 29/20

Dear Jane,

It isn’t just the sex, you know? It’s the pillowtalk, too. He just makes me laugh so much and everything is so easy between us and it feels real. Popcorn and chips in bed, some mojitos, just each other’s presence. It’s enough like that, you know?

Some quote about how the one you love should be both your lover and your best friend is in my head but I’m too lazy to look it up. James’ head is in my lap and he’s just reading while I’m writing and everything seems perfect.

He doesn’t ask what I’m writing because he knows it’s private and I trust him.

This is perfect.

I think I really am IN love with him.

Jan. 1/21

You know that cliché/tradition of New Year’s kisses?

WELL THEN.

Best (and worst) New Year’s ever. I’ll explain more later. I’m too tired and too angry and also sore and bruised.

See you when I’m not hungover.

Jan. 5/21

Dear Jane,

I’m finally stable enough to write.

In a crazy turn of events, Barnes and I got into a fight because of what happened after New Year’s Day’s events: I caught him leaving before I woke up and at first, curious questions ensued, and it wasn’t a fight but then it became one and I don’t even know how it happened. I wasn’t even mad. He just started being weird and I got annoyed and we tried and failed to keep our voices down. Luckily, my room is pretty soundproof.

Things just got out of hand and I feel like tearing my hair out. I wanna storm up to him and just yell some more.

Tony came into my room and didn’t say shit about my hickies and the fact that James is avoiding me like the plague. He gave me a really good hug, though and then gave me a few weeks off extra. I don’t know how he knows, but then again, it’s Tony.

He just said love’s tough sometimes.

Yeah, tell me about it.

I’m thinking about just taking a long vacation and disappearing. It seems like a good route to take at this point.

Jan. 6/21

Dear Jane,

James is looking at me right now as I write this. I wonder if I should look back or if he’s going to come up to me. We’ll see.

I’m only writing this so it seems like I’m busy. I’m running out of things to say, honestly. Can he just go? What’s the point in staring like that? What’s the point?

I could ask myself the same question. What’s the point in loving someone who’ll never love you? Yeah, he’s sleeping with me but he pulls away every time I try to do something more. Outside the bubble of my room and the small time frame of post-11PM to around 4:45AM, he acts like he’s allergic to intimacy.

It was never like that with ex-Girlfriend.

Maybe it’s something to do with me.

I don’t know, but he keeps looking and I want to get up and leave, but I won’t. I’m not gonna let him win.

Jan. 6/21

He didn’t. He just went out. Sam and Steve asked if I was okay because as soon as he left, I got up for the bathroom and screamed into a towel.

I don’t think either of them knows what’s going on, but they have a notion.

Jan. 9/21

Dear Jane,

He apologized. Still no explanation as to why, but it feels weird.

I told him I’m going on a vacation to Switzerland. Go skiing or something and asked if he wanted to come.

It was stupid to ask, but he said yes.

Shit.

Jan. 14/21

Dear Jane,

Switzerland is lovely.

No work is relaxing. Awkwardness between me and the other traveller on this vacation. Weather’s supposed to be nice when we get there. Sunny snow days, pretty mountains, other Swiss things.

No other comment.

Jan. 21/21

Dear Jane,

I lasted all of a week.

Yep, I slept with him again, and yes, he was back in his hotel bed come sunrise.

I dunno. I’m over it. We don’t apologize and hope everything gets back to normal because neither of us want to say anything to ruin it any further and we both have a major fear of the complicated. To be fair, he said he didn’t want to sleep with me if I was completely against it.

Also, I tried calling him Bucky at dinner like ex-Girlfriend (and everyone else) does and he made the most disgusted face.

He said, and I quote, “Bucky? When did I stop being James?”

I told him I was trying something out and he said it failed. Snarky bastard.

I guess if he’s still James, that must mean I’m still special.

That’s the Tony-inherited ego talking.

But it does make me exceptionally happy to play with the idea that I’m special to him. Best friend with convoluted benefits. Sounds like the title of a very long-winded self-help book that doesn’t really help much but that does sound like the story of my life so I can’t complain too much.

We’re going home in a few days.

I’ll probably sleep with him again. Bet Steve’s shield that I do.

Jan. 24/21

Dear Jane,

I get three Steve’s shields because I was right every single fucking day.

He’s like a habit I can’t quite kick and don’t really want to.

We snuggled afterwards last night. His arm was around my shoulders, we were naked, I was resting my head on his chest. For a moment, it felt like something couples do and then I fell asleep and woke up alone.

Quantum physics is easier to understand than this but I think we’re being mutually exclusive right now, so it’s almost dating.

I dunno. I don’t mind it anymore. It’s better than nothing.

Feb. 2/21

Dear Jane,

I’m absolutely miserable.

I’m still getting laid, but that’s not related. Correlation and causation or something.

Why is New York so dreary and when can everything just stop?

I don’t know. Winter is ending and now it’s in that awful transition phase between seasons and it’s mucky and rainy and disgusting. Tony got these limited edition ice cream flavours though so I’m gonna ask James if we can make milkshakes out of them or something.

He doesn’t like the muck either. That’s not really relevant, I guess.

Feb. 14/21

Dear Jane,

I got flowers and chocolate from the department because I think they can sense I’ve been in a bad mood since forever. Then, there was an anonymous delivery and inside was this gorgeous chain bracelet that matches the necklace sort of. I lied and told the department it was from Pepper.

What a wretched holiday.

Yours truly.

Feb. 18/21

Dear Jane,

Normally, when boys get their haircut, they look ugly for a day or two after.

Not James.

He got his hair cut shorter and he looks really good. Like unbelievably good. Short hair fits him just as much as long hair does.

No other observations.

Feb. 25/21

Dear Jane,

It was Morgan’s birthday party today. James came in one of those brown jackets with the sheepskin wool inside and he looked so good. We mainly stayed apart to prevent any dalliance because one does not disappear from the Madame Secretary’s birthday party and the team doesn’t really know what’s happening behind the scenes except for Nat and Tony, really.

I really wanted to kiss him in front of our friends. I caught him staring a few times, and every time, the smile seemed to vanish off his face.

I’m lying in bed and it feels pretty empty.

It occurs to me that I’ve been in love for a pretty long time and I’m not even in a relationship with the guy.

Energy could’ve been devoted to so many other things and I’d hate being in love if it weren’t for the fact that it’s James.

Again, love making me sappy and all that.

Feb. 28/21

Dear Jane,

Jane is such a common name. Some would call it plain yet it means gift from God.

I wonder if James knew that.

Mar. 10/21

Dear Jane,

It’s James’ birthday. Birthday sex is a requirement and a desire. I also got him a gift which is a pair of new black Timbs. I hope he likes them. I’m excited for cake, I guess. Morgan did my makeup but I’m gonna have to wipe it off for the small little party tonight.

I think, ordinarily, I’d be in knots because it’s James’ birthday and I love him and he’s my best friend, but I just don’t know. March is fairly boring and contemplative and rainy. Work is work. Helen Cho did a presentation on her Cradle technology. Very cool.

Mar. 20/21

Dear Jane,

It’s raining and doesn’t feel like spring. Alpine vomited on my bed a few days ago because he’s not feeling well. James and I took him to the vet and he’s on antibiotics. Poor boy. He’s sleeping in the corner of my room right now while James is away on a mission. I think I’ll just work from my room for a bit until he’s feeling better.

Nothing much to report, which is why I didn’t write anything. The month passed by too quickly. James should be back by the end of the month. I miss him and not because of the sex. No one else who doesn’t work for me or pays me listens to me ramble on their own free will. Talking to screens just isn’t the same.

April 1/21

James got back really early this morning and I, by tradition, was awake. I sort of wish I wasn’t though. In true April Fool’s tradition, I made fun of him for being a day late to which he genuinely apologized. I told him to shower and get to sleep but he was in that mood where you’re so exhausted you’re wide awake.

James suggested we make really strong cocktails for each other as a celebration for an extraction mission completed successfully.

Who am I to say no to celebrating?

He really likes grapefruit juice so I made a REALLY strong Grapefruit Paloma. He made this really interesting drink that was purple and tasted like oranges and cranberries. A lot of blue curacao was in it so it was pretty bitter but it hit like a fucking truck which is probably why I didn’t understand anything he said at first.

He told me he loved me.

I think, somehow, he managed to get drunk after the Grapefruit Paloma and two more bottles of vodka. Don’t ask me how because Steve NEVER gets drunk. Maybe HYDRA-brand serum is faulty? I don’t know.

I asked if he knew what date it was. He laughed really loudly, said no, realized, stuttered apologies and then said it again.

It was the most perfect sound in the world and it was the best moment in recent history.

Or, the sickest practical joke.

Consensus not yet reached.

April 2/21

Dear Jane,

I asked if he remembered what happened yesterday morning.

He did not.

Sickest practical joke confirmed.

April 9/21

Dear Jane,

I’ve been avoiding writing because I’ve felt a whole lot of nothing. Everything is abysmal and James’ confession is all I can think about. Tony’s on my ass about slipping and he has half the mind to put me on paid leave until I get my shit together, both as the head of the department and as an agent.

Drunk words are sober thoughts, all that garbage.

I wish I could live my whole life drunk and honest. Maybe then I wouldn’t be in this situation where I’m stuck in eternal limbo with my best friend whom I’m in love with. Minus the drunk part.

Duty demands I return to this weathered journal until it’s finished so we’ll see. I might be back this month. Maybe not.

May 1/21

Dear Jane,

It rained a lot in April so now the flowers are blooming early. April showers bring May flowers. Guess it has some merit to it.

Limbo sucks. Its inescapable nature, its terrible facade of everything seeming fine when it really isn’t.

Of course, James still makes me smile, but nothing seems really okay when I let myself stop for a second.

I’m going out with Steve to a charity thing tomorrow. Should be a few hours worth of not thinking and free booze. Oh, and James and I made out in one of the quinjets after dinner today.

Felt weird considering we aren’t a couple, but it happened spontaneously as that is the nature of our relationship, it appears.

The cause also happens to be the cure of melancholy. Weird.

May 6/21

Dear Jane,

For context, it’s 5:23AM.

Went for a walk in Madison Square and then Central Park with James yesterday, although in my head it’s still today. We met up with Nat for some training at the gym. Got a bit mobbed by fans and the paps who asked if we were dating like we’re the tabloid’s biggest scoop.

We weren’t even holding hands, but I guess it’s just another reason why we shouldn’t be TOGETHER together in public.

We had another deep stuff talk again in bed after the usual business. I wanted to ask what this is between us and if he’s pursuing other options, because I’m not and I wanted to know if I should, but I also didn’t want to ruin the vibe.

He was in a good mood today, and seeing as sometimes he has nightmares, I thought it was best I don’t ruin it. He thinks I don’t notice but how do I not notice? He’s my best friend.

I kissed his cheek when he got up to leave and he kissed me goodbye on the lips.

I guess that means something.

May 17/21

Dear Jane,

In a moment of complete boredom, I listened to Imagine Dragons’ new album. It wasn’t too bad, to be honest, but Sharon thought it could’ve been better. Whatever.

May 22/21

Dear Jane,

Ran into ex-Girlfriend today. She still has that whole sunshine thing going on still. We had coffee and she asked if I got together with James yet.

I choked on my coffee and nearly died on the spot.

That’s how I learned that James apparently broke it off softly and ex-Girlfriend had, very wisely and knowingly, said that he should chase the apple of his eye before I (the apple) rotted alone and forgotten at the trunk of the tree. Or, as any sane person would say (and ex-Girlfriend DID say), get picked from the tree by another hand.

She said it was quite obvious that I was in love with James even months ago. She also thanked me for being so nice, anyway, and that it must’ve been difficult. What a fucking SAINT.

I set her up with a date with Steve because they have the same energy, honestly, and that’s going down on the 26th barring any emergencies.

Call me Cupid, but I think I just constructed the perfect match made in heaven.

Mentioned this meeting to James minus the apple detail. He asked if she was doing okay, which she was, and seemed glad for that. Between kisses and his sneaking hand beneath the covers, he also asked if there was anything else. Not really much to say on that front.

June 3/21

Dear Jane,

It’s starting to dry up consistently, now. It’s getting warmer, too. Sam brought me flowers and told me to at least turn the air-con on if I was gonna be stuck in the lab all day. Oh, the simplicities of summer are hopefully returning. Got out early and hung out with Morgan at the park in the evening.

It’s nice to hang out with someone so blissfully unaware with the stupidity of love. All Morgan cares about is grass and buttercups she grabs from the ground. She doesn’t have to worry about how to tell the guy she’s in love with that she loves him.

Oh, didn’t you hear? Nat said I should just buck the fuck up and tell him.

And Nat is scary when not listened to.

Much to brainstorm about.

June 14/21

Dear Jane,

Just here to brainstorm some ideas for future Stark Industries projects and thought I’d preface it with a small diary entry. Nothing really happened. Work’s catching up for some reason and bad guys are acting up. I’ve pulled a few all nighters, not gonna lie.

Really tired, but in a good, productive way. Haven’t thought much on the James front. Gonna have to focus on that after everything calms down.

June 20/21

Dear Jane,

It’s officially summer and yet today was awful with only subtle hints of being okay.

So much for simplicity.

In the evening, I read on the hammock on the balcony. No one really bothered me except James, but he’s never a bother.

Steve and ex-Girlfriend (who will now be reidentified as Girlfriend) are pretty cute, and she meshes well with the group. There’s nothing really awkward between her, James, or me, so I guess two people’s summers are going well. Bully for them.

Didn’t really eat. Was too busy working. James got me dinner. Didn’t feel right and just kept working. This whole agreement between us has been very flexible but we really need to fit in a session soon.

I’ll make it work somehow.

June 22/21

Dear Jane,

I got my wish and didn’t at the same time. We spent the whole day in the sheets (very blissfully relaxing) and I, stupidly and with very little sleep, let it slip.

In less elegant terms, I told him I loved him. It felt very real and genuine and very-out-of-a-movie, but his reaction was less so.

What did I say? Allergic to intimacy.

He tried to play it off as best friends and even that was uncomfortable, but I, very seriously and very foolishly, corrected him that “no, James Buchanan Barnes, I am IN LOVE with you.”

He left a few minutes ago, saying something about heading down to the gym, but I know he’s just trying to avoid me.

God, how am I so stupid?

June 25/21

Dear Jane,

I haven’t seen James in a few days. I thought he was avoiding me but turns out he’s out of the country. Something about protection for whatever dignitary is travelling at the end of the month. I don’t know.

I wasn’t assigned to that op so the details weren’t shared liberally. Sam just said it’d be a while during the ambassador’s entire stay. High threat level which is why the Avengers were contracted.

I just hope he stays safe. I know he probably took off to take his mind off things, but I don’t know how he’s focusing when all I can think of is those three little words.

I love you.

Seems so fake the more I hear it in my head, but his reaction was so real that I think I might’ve just irreversibly messed things up.

July 12/21

Dear Jane,

It’s been a hectic couple of weeks. If future me finds this with blotted words, it’s because I am indeed crying while writing this.

James was medically evac’ed last night and transferred back to New York. Helen Cho was flown in from her medical conference in Minnesota where she was showcasing the newest version of the Cradle.

There was an assasination attempt and James is fucked up bad.

Holy shit, I’m so scared. I’ve never been so scared in my life. It’s like an invisible demon has my heart in his claw-like hands and he’s squeezing with all his might. I think my heart might explode.

I just want to hold his hand but he’s so high risk no one’s allowed to see him right now.

The waiting room is too quiet. Steve’s holding on to Girlfriend’s hand so hard I think her bones are broken but she’s taking it like a champ. Nat’s pacing, slowly patting a sleeping Morgan who she’s carrying. Sam and Tony are talking about stuff.

It’s too quiet.

I’m so scared.

July 13/21

They got him into the Cradle. Thank God. I think I might cry some more out of relief, but he was conscious for a few minutes earlier and he’s stable now.

It’s really late at night but they extended privileges to me to stay with him so I’m just sitting here, writing. Listening to the Cradle do its thing and the monitors do theirs.

When he was conscious, I was with him. He said some stuff under his breath but the one thing I could make out was “I’m an idiot.”

Granted, he’s right. It was supposed to be Steve or Tony on that mission. You know, people with more defense op experience, but he had to go out and volunteer himself.

I feel sort of guilty.

It’s partially my fault, isn’t it?

I think I’ll try to tuck in for tonight. I wanna be awake when he wakes up, too.

July 14/21

Dear Jane,

James woke up today. He’s still in the Cradle (lots of internal damage spread throughout the body) but he’s conscious. He saw me and immediately tried to sit up which was sweet, but when he couldn’t, he just told me to come closer and then told me that he loved me.

I called him an idiot for running away. I told him he really scared me. I told him that I loved him so fucking much. I told him that I feel so guilty and he just held my face and said that it will never be my fault.

He’s so fucking romantic, even when he’s lying down with a wound being stitched closed live in front of my eyes.

Oh, and he kissed me. I don’t think I noticed how much I actually missed him until that moment.

I don’t know how to describe the feeling in my chest. It’s a mixture between super happy and super scared and super, super warm inside. Summer might be looking up.

July 18/21

Dear Jane,

We got home today. James is staying in my room. The team doesn’t say anything about it. We’re best friends, after all, but I think they’ve known for a long time that there’s something more. Some of them are just too polite to say so.

I won’t have much time to write over the next couple of days. James has to be kept on a strict, extremely healthy diet and medicine regime.

I don’t care. I’m just glad he’s home.

He’s kissing me a lot more, now. Alpine likes the fact that his two humans are now in the same room. He purrs so loudly, I can hear him from where he’s dozing, curled up underneath James’ chin. He (James) is resting after his second round of antibiotics for the day while I work from my room, and sometimes I catch myself looking back just to make sure he’s okay.

I’m going to go kiss him now.

Be right back.

July 21/21

Dear Jane,

It’s almost Nat’s birthday (the 26th). Super exciting. James is back on solids and I’m helping him around with walking. Even with the Cradle and the healing factor, he’s still super banged up, so it’s better safe than sorry.

We had a really long talk about love and stuff. It’s good to finally have it out in the open. It was mostly me talking about my side of things and he just nodded a lot. I know he was listening though.

We also kissed a lot, like seventeen year old couples who are heavy on the PDA, but within the privacy of my room. I dunno. I like the heat of his arms and the way he kisses the shell of my ear when he’s bored or it’s a commercial break.

It feels very natural.

I am very much in love with him.

I tell him that and he always looks skeptical, but whatever. He doesn’t have to say it back (I tell him that there’s no pressure) and he’ll get it through his thick skull eventually that he’s now stuck with me.

July 25/21

Dear Jane,

We made cookies in the early AM as tradition for the party tomorrow and I told him that I love him (again, but this time he didn’t run, nor has he the past few times. Fantastic).

While the cookies were baking, he explained everything on his side of the story: how he was scared to be vulnerable, how opening up to me is just different and new and scary and I get it. I really do. I know how it feels to think you don’t deserve good things and sabotage feels like the only way to save everyone from hurt.

He smiled a lot more after that. I guess he’s just glad I get it.

One day, I’ll successfully convince James that he deserves everything good this world has to offer.

Until then, I’ll just keep trying.

P.S. He said, with less hesitation than the first time, that he loves me, too. Best. Day. Ever.

P.P.S. The cookies are so good and I want to devour them all. I could barely stop James from eating all of them. Again: Best. Day. Ever.

July 26/21

Dear Jane,

In summary of today:

Happy birthday, Natasha.

James has been given the clear bill of health which is exciting. Also, I asked him about the Jane and gift of God thing.

He knew. “Intuition” and all that. He also said I looked “like a royal dame” in my swimsuit. Smug idiot just trying to be charming.

I love him and that’s the only reason it works.

Back to the festivities.

July 27/21

Dear Jane,

Good morning to you and to James who’s still in my bed at a ripe 6:23AM, fast asleep.

Progress. Now, back to sleep.

July 27/21

Dear Jane,

It’s now 9:49AM and James greeted me with orange juice and waffles. He said I was cute when I slept. Creep.

He also said he tried so many times to stay in my bed after, before we were like we are now, but he never could, and now he’s upset that he missed out on my cute sleeping/waking up for the day face every time he did so.

He is exceptionally cute when he’s pouting.

I think we’re officially boyfriend-girlfriend, but we’ll work out the semantics on that later. For now, it’s another summer day together. He suggested Chinese takeout for dinner because I have to go dip back into the lab later today to check on some samples.

I agreed and he kissed me in promise like it was our “thing.” I can’t stop smiling like an idiot.

Massive progress.

July 28/21

Dear Jane,

He told me I was the only one for him.

Also, he kissed me in front of our friends for the first time. Natasha yelled “FINALLY” and pushed us into the pool. Sam laughed and then I grabbed him and threw him into the pool. Ensuing: a water fight for the ages.

For a day: 10/10

July 31/21

Hey Jane,

I think I’m happy.

I’m sorry I ever doubted the effects of writing down my feelings.

James has a romantic trip to uptown planned for our first date and he said it’ll take the whole day so I thought I’d get this entry in the morning. I dunno. It’s really early and the happy thought was the first thing that came to my head.

Weird, but it’s a good weird.

See you in a bit.

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elusive---ivory · 5 years

Text

The Woman in Velvet pt. 7

This was tiring.., but it's here! Hooray!! I appreciate my bestfriend @princessgeekface for being my editor, please go check her out she really rules!!

Without a further ado.

PAIRING: Arthur Fleck x Oc

WARNINGS: Mentions of abuse, Self Inflicted Pain.

Taglist:

@gloomybih @princessgeekface @mijachula @memory-mortis

Masterlist

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

"Well as of right now, Mr. Wayne, I think we can close a deal." The man in the large black suit said over the telephone. "I'm sure she'd be happy to perform. How about next Tuesday? Great! I'll see you then." The man promptly hung up the phone.

The little girl sat in the far corner of the room.

"Good news, sweetheart. You're preforming for Thomas Wayne." The man said to the girl.

The girl's cheeks were red, and her eyes were puffy. Her lips were busted and bruised. She whimpered in the corner. "Great." She whispered to herself.

"You should smile, my dear. It's wonderful news." He walked closer to her. "I love you."

The girl turned away. "No, you don't." She growled.

"What was that?" The man walked up to her with a firing rage.

"You don't love me, Uncle Charlie. If you did, I won't play in these stupid shows." She got off her knees, shaking.

"You quit with this attitude, young lady." He hissed, grabbing onto her shoulders.

"I'm 16 years old, Charlie." She yelled. "Stop controlling my life."

Smack.

"Listen here, I've tried to be nice to you, but you really leave me no choice. Be a good girl, Sandy, and I'll reward you." The man gripped on tight to her large waist.

She pushed him off. "You can't do this to me. Just let me go." The girl screamed.

The man grabbed her by the throat. "Listen here, you fucking bitch. You're not going anywhere as long as I am still alive." He let go of her throat.

She fell to the ground coughing.

"Besides, Sandy, you're useless without me. Completely worthless."

'10:30 am? I guess it could be worse.' She slumped out of her bed, and headed to the kitchen. Sandy couldn't stop thinking about Arthur, and their little date. She didn't know why she was so heads over heels for this boy.

Sandy woke up in a cold sweat. 'Thank fuck that today's my day off.' She thought to herself. Sandy looked over at the clock.

Sandy smiled while stirring her coffee. She sighed dreamily like a schoolgirl, and pressed the button on her answering machine.

"You have (2) new messages." The autonomous voice said.

"Voicemail 1:

Hey, Sandy, It's me, Arthur. I'm heading to Wayne Manor today, and I've got some exciting news." His voice got closer to the phone. "Thomas Wayne is my dad."

Sandy eyes widened. She choked a little on her coffee. 'He's joking, right?' Sandy set her coffee down, and rubbed her temples. "Ugh, damn it, Art." She mumbled to herself.

Meanwhile the answering machine started playing the 2nd message.

"Voicemail 2:

Hello, is this the phone number of Sandy Dolere? I regret to inform that your uncle, Charles Paul Harris, has passed away as of last week. He was suffering from heart failure, and he was scheduled for an operation in December. Charles died in his sleep from natural causes. When you get the chance, please call us back at 467-286-7789."

Sandy looked at the machine. Her hand hovered over the delete button. Softly, she moved her hand and fell to the kitchen floor. Her loud sobs could be heard throughout the complex.

Her coffee mug was shatter with spilled brown liquid all over the floor. Sandy reached over the counter, taking a pack of cigarettes from of the counter. Gently, she placed in in her mouth, laying there on the floor. Sandy got up, finding herself a lighter. She looked over to the bottle of whiskey in the open cabinet. She turned away from it, lighting her cigarette. As Sandy took a long peaceful drag from the cigarette, she exhaled into the dreary morning. She took the cigarette out of her mouth and looked down at her bare arm. Sandy jammed the burning cigarette into her porcelain skin. Tears formed in her eyes as the ashes and blood dripped down her arm. She took the cigarette off and looked at the whole in her arm.

"Fuck." Sandy whispered, throwing her cigarette away. She went over to the bathroom to wash all the blood and sorrow away. She laid there in the bathtub. Hot water flowed out the faucet. She ducked her head under the water, holding in her breath. Whilst she was in her thoughts, she heard a knock at the door.

Quickly, she jumped out of the tub, and put on her lime green robe, usually she expected Arthur to drop by with a quick kiss or so, but to her surprise, it was two detectives in black.

"Good Afternoon, Ms. Dolere. I'm Detective Gordon, and this is my partner Detective Johnson." The detective known as "Gordon" turned to his partner.

"We're looking into the murders that happened on the subway. As you may know they were Wayne employees, and one of them just so happened to be your co-worker, Dennis Cullen." Detective Johnson said, as he stepped inside her apartment. "Nice place." He commented.

"Thanks." Sandy mumbled under her breath. "If you could give me a second, gentleman, I just got out of the tub." Sandy disappeared into the other room, struggling to find clothes.

Detective Gordon sat down on the couch.

"No worries. We'd like to ask you a few questions if you don't mind."

"No, I don't mind." Sandy reentered the room, fully dressed. She sat on the couch, taking a deep breath. She eyed the two detectives up and down.

Detective Gordon shifted in his seat, while Detective Johnson took out a notepad. Both detectives sat across from Sandy, who looked pretty annoyed at them for just being there.

"Where were you on the night the subway murders happened?" Johnson asked, eyeing her reaction.

"I was at home watching the TV. I had a long day at work, and I was unwinding." Sandy replied.

"Right." said Detective Johnson, writing down on his notepad.

"We had asked around about your relationship with Dennis, and they said that you two had a 'thing'. Is this true?" Gordon asked, putting air quotes over the word 'thing'.

"I had no relationship with him. He was just an asshole around the office. He was also the guy to make the most sales, but I saw no reason why he should die." Sandy replied with a stoic look on her face.

"I see. We've been asking around the building and we wanted to ask about your relationship with Arthur Fleck. The neighbors say they've see you get quite close these past few weeks, is that true?" Gordon took the notepad from Johnson, and looked over the notes.

Sandy froze for a second, continuing her stoic face, but with a red tint placed on her cheeks. "I'd say that yes, we've gotten closer. He's very nice to me. He's passionate about his comedy career, and I support him fully."

"Uh-huh." Johnson mumbled. "Did you two have any sexual encounters with each other?"

Sandy blushed madly, taken aback by this information. "That's none of your business." She glared at Johnson, crossing her arms.

"Alright, thank you for your time, Ms. Dolere." Gordon got off the couch, shaking Sandy's hand. Johnson followed behind him.

"Have a good evening, gentlemen." Sandy closed her door. "For sweet hell, it's already evening?" She said to herself, looking outside on the horizon. Sandy looked down at her scarred arm. She stared at it for a good long while, almost as if she was mocking it. Sandy smirked.

"Poor, poor Dennis," She mocked, lighting another cigarette. She heard a loud bang coming from the apartment downstairs. Sandy extinguished the cigarette.

She ran out of her apartment, and pressed the button on the elevator. 'What the fuck?' Sandy's thoughts ran a muck. The elevator slowly closed its doors as Sandy pressed down on Arthur's floor.

She hurried to his apartment door. As Sandy rapidly knocked on the door, she heard Arthur's mother screaming.

"NO, NO. HE'S A GOOD BOY! A HAPPY BOY!!"

Sandy's eyes got wide as she heard the screams. She slammed all her weight into the door, but as it swung open, her head hit the ground.

"Ugh. Fuck." She hissed.

Right in front of her laid Penny Fleck's collapsed body.

"Ms. Dolere, are you alright?" Detective Gordon rushed over to Sandy, while Johnson was tending Penny.

"I'm fine. What about her? Call a god damn ambulance." Sandy pushed the detective out of her way to the phone. She quickly dialed 911.

Arthur saw the scene just as he got home. Everything was a mess. He rushed over to the ambulance. As Arthur got inside the vehicle, he glanced over to Sandy.

Sandy had questions, tons of questions, but she knew that now wasn't the best time for them. She went over to Detective Gordon.

"I need a ride to the hospital." Sandy wasn't asking.

Gordon sighed. "Ok, sure."

He pointed over to a black car, parked on the side of the road.

Sandy sat in the back seat, glaring at the two detectives threw their rear view windows.

As the detectives pulled up to the hospital, Sandy noticed Arthur sitting on a bench outside the hospital, smoking a cigarette.

Sandy got out of the car, but stayed near it to observe the situation.

"Arthur Fleck, I'm Detective Gordon, and this is my partner, Detective Johnson. We wanted to ask you a few questions, but you weren't home, so we asked your mother." Detective Gordon said.

Arthur looked up at him, scornfully. "Did you do this?" Arthur asked, griping tightly on his cigarette.

"Oh no, you see she was hyperventilating and acting all hysterical." Detective Johnson interjected.

"Yeah, the doctors said she had a stroke." Arthur said, bluntly.

"We're sorry to hear that," Gordon mumbled. "We still would like to ask a few questions about the subway killings. Have you heard of them?"

Sandy watched in the distance the whole thing play out. Of course, Arthur had a lot of stuff on his plate and these detectives weren't making matters better.

"Yeah, they're awful." Arthur muttered.

"Well, we talked to your boss from your old job. He says you were fired for bringing a gun in the children's hospital." Gordon stated.

"It was a prop. I'm a party clown." Arthur said, annoyed.

"Oh, yeah? Then why were you fired?" Detective Johnson asked.

"They said I wasn't funny enough. Can you imagine that?" Arthur scoffed. He got off the bench.

"Your boss gave us this card. This condition of yours. Is it real? Or is it a clown thing?"

"A clown thing?" Arthur repeated. He tossed the cigarette to the ground. "What do you think?"

Arthur ran into the hospital door.

The two detectives walked away.

"Hey." Sandy called.

Arthur turned to Sandy. He smiled gently at her. His blue/green eyes full of admiration.

"Hey." Arthur called back to her.

"You do know it says 'Exit' on it." Sandy pointed to the letters above the door.

"Yeah." Arthur hesitantly held onto Sandy's hand as they walked into the hospital.

#fanfic #joker arthur fleck #arthur fleck #arthur fleck x oc #arthur fleck x reader #joker film #joker 2019 #joker x reader #joker movie #joker x oc

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hopelessromanticspoonie · 5 years

Text

To Keep You Safe

Title: I’m fired up and tired of the way that things have been

Chapter: 8/?

Author: hopeless_romantic_spoonie

Summary: Life as the assistant to Tony Stark was busy, but boring. All of that changed when I touched something I shouldn’t have and woke up with strange new abilities. If I thought that trying to figure out my new place in life as an Avenger was tough, I had no idea what was in store for me once I ran into the frustrating God of Mischief, Loki.

Rating: E (later on)

Notes: Friendly reminder that this is un-Beta’d, so please excuse any typos or grammatical errors I no doubt missed during revisions!

Also on Ao3 here :)

Warnings: Language

~~~

I quickly established a new routine without my training sessions with Wanda to distract me.

8 AM: Wake up, chug coffee, practice being social, get dressed.

9 AM: Run laps around the perimeter of the Compound.

10 AM: Get my ass kicked by Nat. Repeatedly.

11:30 AM: Inhale lunch.

12 PM: Suck at controlling my powers.

3 PM: Do more laps around the Compound.

5 PM: Zone out to reality TV in my room.

6 PM: Dinner with the gang. Play at being a human some more.

8 PM: Go to the gym to punch stuff.

9 PM: Shower, get ready for bed, pass out.

2 AM: Wake up from traumatic nightmares and fall asleep to more pointless reality TV.

5 AM: If I hadn’t exhausted myself enough, wake up again from nightmares.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

~~~

Over a week into my new work-myself-so-hard-that-I-don’t-think routine, I noticed that my carefully constructed schedule wasn’t fooling anyone.

Nat was staring me down with pointed glares in between each ass-kicking session. She mentioned that I was losing my edge. I didn’t know I had one to begin with, so that was a nice compliment.

One morning at breakfast Steve went full Captain America and pinned me to my stool with an insanely heavy hand on my shoulder, promising me that I can always talk to him about anything. It’s absurd how much strength that guy holds in just one hand. Probably more than I had in my entire body if I’m being honest with myself.

Bruce tried to get me to start going to daily sessions with him again. At the risk of bringing out the big guy, I never showed up to the meeting times he suggested--and that I never agreed to. He left well enough alone and only made F.R.I.D.A.Y. nag me about it once a day. Good guy, that Banner.

Thor seemed determined at cheering me up at any opportunity. He watched my favorite reality TV shows and sitcoms with me, kept me company sometimes when I couldn’t sleep at night, and even tried to help me learn some new techniques in the gym--that was the ass-kicking of the century. He was a sweet, lovable bear of a man who did give a mean hug, but sometimes he was just too much. Too loud and too big and too enthusiastic. He needed an off button or some sort of dial to turn it down.

The last one to break and say anything was Tony. He interacted with me much less than he used to in the past now that I was a mini-Avenger in training and not his Personal Assistant. I went into his lab every three or so days so he could check on any injuries I’d gotten from training, take a few blood or tissue samples, and update me on Wanda and Vision. It’s hard to get a surly word or fake smile in edgewise when he does ninety percent of the talking, so I flew under the radar for longer than I had expected I would. For a genius, he could be oblivious about interpersonal relationships.

His breaking point was when I just flat out didn’t respond to his latest status report on my magical voodoo coach and her door-hating man.

“What the hell is wrong with you, Jen? I just told you that they’re going to be out for at least another two weeks, and you don’t even bat an eye? Since when do you not care about your friends?”

I did care about Wanda and Vision, I did. Tony had informed me a while ago that the insanely smart Princess of Wakanda, Shuri, had successfully managed to remove the stone from Vision’s head and Wanda had promptly destroyed it. Vision was doing fine, but he was adjusting to having to use doors now that he couldn’t just walk through walls anymore. He couldn’t shoot beams from his forehead anymore, or alter his appearance to look human, but those were all minor setbacks when it came to destroying the Mind Stone and keeping him chugging along. Once they were finished with their Hydra brain-digging they’d be headed straight home.

My hands twisted themselves together in my lap. “I do care,” I insisted unconvincingly.

Tony took off his glasses and leveled me with a hard stare, his arms crossed over his chest. “What’s going on?”

“What do you want me to say?” I huffed, unable to meet his disappointed gaze any longer.

“Explain why I’ve had four of our friends and coworkers come up to me and ask if you were okay. If the tests showed anything negative because your piss poor attitude sure does. Did your favorite person get kicked off of Survivor? Did Ben and Jerry’s stop making Hunka Hulka Burning Fudge? What is it?”

I groaned, pulling my knees up to my chest as I sat on the exam table and shoved my face into them.

“You wouldn’t understand, Tony.”

“Try me, Poison Ivy,” he insisted, not unkindly.

“It’s dumb as hell.”

He came over to sit down on the table next to me and nudged my shoulder with his. “F.R.I.D.A.Y. told me that you’ve been having nightmares and I know you haven’t been talking to Bruce about it. I can get someone in here if you need it. A professional. Just gotta ask.”

“F.R.I.D.A.Y. is a snitch,” I muttered, fiddling with the handle of my knife on my thigh absentmindedly. I had taken to wearing it again, at Tony’s request, and it was equal parts reassuring and daunting to have that steady weight on my leg again. Of course Tony would check up on me when he noticed something. He was basically Dad of the team, and he’d been doing his best to take care of everyone, including me, for as long as I could remember. He would see my restlessness and work ethic and nightmares for what they were. It wasn't as if this was a new pattern of mine. “I don’t need to see anybody. I’m fine.”

“Then get the hell over it. You’re an Avenger now. You gotta sort through this shit however you need to so you can get back on your A-Game. Hydra is still out there looking for your skinny ass. They aren’t going to stop trying to breach the Compound’s defenses or lure you out because you’re throwing the world’s longest pity party for yourself. Wanda and Vision are out there risking their lives for you, so maybe show a little gratitude for their hard work and don’t act like a waste of space,” he snapped, his voice barely restrained as he poked my arm with each point until I looked up at him. He was right in my face, giving me every ounce of disappointment and rage in his clenched jaw and hard eyes that he refused to let out in his words. It was so paternal and there was so much care driving the speech.

And it broke me.

I pulled my eyes from him to stare up at the ceiling, blinking to try to keep the tears that pricked at my eyes from falling. It didn’t work, though, and they slipped down my red face anyway. I chewed on the inside of my cheek and crossed my arms over my chest as I worked as hard as I could to keep from crumbling under the weight of his disappointment.

“Oh, shoot. Hey, kid, it’s okay. We’ll figure it out,” Tony said worriedly, hands fluttering uselessly in front of him.

I took several deep, shaky breaths before I felt in control enough to get off of the exam table and put some distance between us. I needed to lessen the intensity somehow. Why was everybody in this damn Compound so freaking intense all the time? My hands clasped over the back of my head as I paced in front of him and just let my jumbled thoughts spill out of my mouth.

“No, it’s not okay. It’s frustrating as hell and I’m pissed and I can’t do anything about it so I just don’t but that doesn’t work because then I’m just bottling all of this up inside. That’s not good for my powers, so I haven’t been able to use my abilities and practice since it happened. And that’s not good because I need to make sure I can defend myself and that I don’t need anybody to help me. And I can’t sleep at night because I keep seeing those…” I sucked in a shaky breath, “those guys but then I wake up alone and it doesn’t feel safe and I’m so angry at myself and-”

“Woah, woah, woah. There’s a lot to unpack there. Let’s start from the top, okay?” Tony asked, raising his hands to stop the rambling tirade as it spilled directly from my brain out of my mouth. He waited until I had stopped pacing back and forth and was looking in his general direction before he continued, “What is frustrating as hell?”

It was too much to pick apart. “Everything.”

“One example, kid. Throw me a bone.”

“Can’t do just one. Better question,” I countered quickly.

Tony rubbed at the bridge of his nose with his thumb and pointer finger, squinting his eyes together tightly. “Okay... Why can’t you do anything about whatever is frustrating as hell?”

“Because I’m not the one who did it.” Well, kinda.

“Who did what?” he asked, his frustration clipping his words.

“Acted like an asshole. Which is to be expected of him, but it’s frustrating because I believed him and I trusted him and that’s a dumb, naive thing to do when it comes to the God of Lies and Mischief,” I explained, my voice sounding as deflated as I felt after my outburst.

It had been dumb to believe him. He didn’t have me. I wasn’t safe. He wasn’t going to be around like he promised me in that car. The look in his eyes had been a lie. The gentle touches and steamy kisses were easily faked to deal with a sticky situation. That’s all. I had known better than to trust him, I had every reason not to believe that he had changed, and I ignored it all because of two life-saving moments, some making out, and a halfway confession of mind control. I knew better.

He shifted on the table, shaking his head and blinking dramatically as if to make what I just said any less nonsensical. From his continued confused expression on his face, it didn’t work. “I’m sorry, Jen, but you’re gonna have to explain.”

And so, after taking a beat to gather my thoughts, I unloaded everything onto Tony. The admission in the car. The dancing and making out in the club. Our fight against the Hydra assholes. How he was in the car. How he was completely different on the rooftop. And how pissed I was that I was pissed that he was ghosting me now after he’d made himself such a staple in my life over the last month.

After all was said and done, I collapsed onto a nearby chair and hung my head, letting my thick hair fall to partially hide my face while I waited for him to tell me what I already knew: That I was an idiot. I was naive. I shouldn’t have expected any different from Loki. He was known for this sort of behavior, wasn’t he? When the reprimand I was expecting didn’t come after several pregnant beats, I peeked up at him to be met with a very guilty-looking Tony staring back at me.

“Oh, kid. I fucked up,” he sighed.

My heart sank to the pit of my stomach. “What did you do, Tony?”

“I, uh, overreacted. I might have flipped out. When Sam and Nat called to tell me what had happened with those guys I lost my cool. And then when you pulled up and I opened the door to see Loki holding you like that, while you looked so broken… It brought out this whole protective thing in me that usually just comes out around the Spiderkid.”

I got up and stood directly in front of him. “What. Did. You. Do. Tony?” I asked through clenched teeth, working very hard to remain in control as my pulse thudded in my ears.

“You know who he is. The Trickster God of Lies and Mischief. All I saw was this thousand-year-old god taking advantage of someone who’s had too many hard knocks in life. So I talked to him.” Tony held his hands up in surrender.

“No shit, Sherlock. What did you say?” I asked, feeling the familiar power roaring to life beneath my skin. It was nice to have it feel so accessible after almost two weeks of frustration, but I smothered it the best I could. I wouldn’t get a good answer out of Tony if I dragged him outside and made a tree give him a nice tight squeeze.

“I told him to stay away from you. That you were off-limits and he’s no good for you. You’ve been through too much to be chewed up and spit back out once he’d finished playing with the shiny new mortal-”

“Fuck, Tony! Damn!” I shouted, throwing my hands to my side. My knife came unbidden into my waiting hand, but I didn’t raise it against him. I wasn’t that far gone to my anger. “You aren’t my Dad! That’s not your place!”

He stood up so that we were face to face, his jaw tight as he glanced at the dagger before looking back at my tight face. “That’s right. I’m not. Because he got them killed. Did you forget that?”

It was like he had stabbed me in the heart and punched me in the gut at the same time. I shoved the unwelcome last images that I had of my father out of my mind as tears that I had just gotten control over pricked at my eyes once again. I took a stumbling step away from him, as if I could walk away from the emotional turmoil he’d thrust upon me. “No, I didn’t. But that wasn’t him. He wasn’t in control.”

“And you believe him?” he asked incredulously. “He’s a liar.”

I hesitated briefly. “Not about this. You didn’t see his face.”

“I don’t need to. I know what he is. You’re not thinking clearly,” he accused, shaking his head at me.

“I’m not doing this with you right now,” I stated, backing away from him. I stormed out of the room, fumbling and then shoving my knife back into its sheath. I missed on the first attempt, leaving a steadily bleeding thin slice down my thigh and ruining my leggings, but I didn’t miss a step. I had a god to confront.

I jogged to the roof, standing there panting with my hands on my hips and my head dropped to my chest. My breath condensed in the air in front of me, and I made myself try to slow everything going on inside of me, from my blood rushing through my veins to my power desperately trying to claw its way to the surface, way down while I waited for Loki to show up. He was always creeping around somewhere and he would have been curious about my argument with Tony, I was sure of it. We hadn’t exactly been quiet about it.

Sure enough, by the time I was in slightly more control of myself, the hair on the back of my neck raised at the feeling of someone watching me. I had talked to Thor about this odd sensation, and he agreed that my suspicions of Loki being to blame were probably correct. He was more than capable of messing with my head enough so that I wouldn’t be able to sense him there if he wanted to, which meant that he wanted me to know that he was around. He was too good at his magic to just slip up like that. No, he was playing with me just enough so that I would know he was being an invisible creeper without actually making himself known. It was like knowing that there was ice cream in the freezer while you were on a diet. It was there, but it might as well not have been for all the good it was doing and the torment it caused.

“Stay out of my head, Loki. Don’t be a coward. Show yourself,” I called, holding my arms up in the air challengingly.

“I am a god. A Prince of Asgard. I am no coward,” his voice hissed in my head.

Gotcha.

“You won’t even speak out loud or show yourself. Seems pretty cowardly to me,” I goaded him loudly. “Afraid?”

Loki appeared before me in a flash of green light, gripping my upper arms and shoving me roughly back against the door behind me. His eyes were crazed as they swept over my face. “Don’t you dare assume you know anything about me, mortal.”

I stared him down, telling myself that this was all show even as my body reacted very differently. I was practically vibrating with an electrifying mixture of fear and rage as his fingers dug painfully into my flesh and he towered over me. But he wouldn’t do anything me. I had to believe that. If he was going to kill me he wouldn’t have saved my life twice over by now. That was a little harder to make myself fully believe when he looked so manic and wrathful and I knew just how much damage he could do to me if he wanted to. Very easily.

“I know that Tony talked to you,” I said quietly, continuing when he opened his mouth to probably give some smartass answer, “I know that he treated you terribly. Like a monster. Telling you to stay away from me even though he didn’t have the right. Twisting everything around so it seemed like you manipulated me into trusting you.”

Loki tightened his grip on my arms, only releasing them when an involuntary wince twisted my firmly set mouth. He didn’t back away, though, his angered breaths blowing against my face as he sneered down at me. He dragged a long, cool finger across my jaw. “How do you know that I didn’t manipulate you? Mortals are so easily swayed, especially the fairer sex.”

“What would be the result of that? What would you get out of saving my life twice, tending to my wounds while I wasn’t even conscious to appreciate it, and helping me hold it together after the night of the club? What does that do for you?” I refused to move away from him. That was what he wanted. I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction.

His brow furrowed for half a second, as if he was actually contemplating my question, but quickly replaced it with his mask of fury once again. “I was merely toying with you, love. It was in my best interest to go unrecognized in the club, and then afterward I would’ve been imprisoned again if I had let them take you. Your Avengers hold a soft spot for their new pet.”

He was just lashing out at me to avoid confronting his emotions. I had to keep on digging or we weren’t going to get anywhere.

“That doesn’t answer why you comforted me.”

He finally took a step away from me, and even that small amount of distance eased the rapid beat of my heart in my throat. From the way his eyes ticked to my neck I had to assume that my pulse was visible to him, and he had taken notice. Disgust dripped off of him as he replied, “Because you were pathetic. A warrior does not mourn those that they slay in battle. I had to keep your fragile psyche together long enough to get you to your equally feeble friends, who wouldn’t see it for the weakness that it was.”

His words finally achieved his goal, and I had to look away to try to hide how they had cut me to my core. He was just voicing what I had been telling myself. I did feel weak and pathetic for reacting that way, but it also meant that I wasn’t some robot who had no value for human life. Any normal person would be troubled by the knowledge that they had killed someone and gotten more men brutally killed just be existing. Either way, I couldn’t win.

But the aspect that hurt most of all was that he hadn’t acted out of concern for me. It was all to save his ass and get rid of me, just like I had suspected. At least, that was what he wanted me to believe. I couldn’t accept that completely, though, not when my gut was telling me otherwise.

I straightened up off of the wall and set my fiery gaze on him once again. “So explain this to me, and don’t you dare interrupt. You are going to hear what I have to say and then you can fuck right off to go haunt some other poor soul.”

I hesitated to see if he would try to stop me, but surprisingly he just stood there in stunned silence as if he couldn’t believe that I was standing up to him. It wasn’t like this was the first time. But I was fully done at this point and I needed to get everything out of my system and then I could just leave it. But he was going to let me say my peace, damn it.

“I don’t know how long you think that you can lie to yourself, but it isn’t going to work forever. I’m not going to let it. You spent weeks watching me like I was some fucking science experiment. You slithered your way into my life by constantly hanging around, by making me reliant on you when I wake up from my nightmares, by stopping bullets aimed my way with your own body, and then drop me on my ass. You don’t do all of those things for anybody. I don’t see you doing any of those things for Natasha. I know that girl has to have nightmares with all the shit that she has been through. I don’t see you throwing yourself in the line of danger for somebody like Sam. You don’t get to just thrust yourself into my life like that and then waltz out like nothing happened. I’m not some plaything that you can use and toss away. I’m a person, even if that doesn’t mean much to a freaking thousand-year-old asshole alien prince.”

“You do not get to tell me what to do,” he hissed.

But while his words were laced with anger, I could see the cool facade that he had constructed slowly cracking at the edges. Just a furrowed brow, his lips slightly parted, his eyes darting between my own. But it was enough to give me that last bit of oomph that I needed to continue.

“What are you going to do about it? Stab me? Kill me? I’m just a human woman. It wouldn’t be hard to do at all. If that’s what you want, then do it,” I seethed, pulling my dagger out and holding it to my neck for him, staring defiantly at him even as tension pulled my muscles taut. “Because either you admit that you did those things because you wanted to, because you felt something and that you’re too much of a coward to admit it, or you can get the hell out of my life. None of this halfway bullshit anymore. I’m too tired and too stressed and I’m struggling too much to play games with the Trickster God.”

His shining eyes took me in, and in one quick move he stepped up to me so that our chests were touching and his hand closed over mine, holding my knife at my throat. “I admit nothing.”

His grip hadn’t been very strong and I yanked my hand away easily. I sheathed my knife and shook my head, all of my rage melting out of me, leaving just exhaustion to weigh me down. “You see everyone else so clearly but yourself.”

He flinched at my words and closed his eyes tightly but I didn’t let myself question his reaction. I just wanted to be done with this conversation and never have it again. So everything needed to be said. I wasn’t going to have any regrets or thoughts of ‘what if’ when it came to this moment, consequences be damned. It wasn’t like he could hurt me anymore than he already had.

“If you won’t admit it, I will. That night, something changed. And I’m not just talking about when we were dancing together, or when we kissed. Yeah, that was really good, you weren’t wrong about that. But it had felt right. We… we fit. Even though you’re a giant compared to me, we fit. And then, after...,” I paused and took a steadying breath as I choked out the words around the lump of frustration in my throat, “you were the only thing that felt safe. You were the one that I trusted to protect me and hold me together. And I needed that, especially during my nightmares. And I hate that I needed that so much. I try to be so independent. But you had abandoned me.”

I ran a hand through my hair with a heavy sigh. “And that’s fine. You don’t owe me anything. I’m going to learn to live with what I did and what I saw in time. I’ll do it on my own. But I can’t do that if I’m also trying to figure out this situation on top of everything else. I can only handle so much at one time, and I have to take care of myself. You acting like an asshole to me one second and then treating me so tenderly the next isn’t going to cut it. You have to pick one.”

My hand settled lightly on his bicep. “I hope that one day you can be honest with yourself. Because I don’t think you are right now, and I think that’s hurting you more than you think it’s protecting you,” I whispered, squeezing his arm softly before walking away from him.

I didn’t expect him to stop me, and he lived up to that expectation. I didn’t run into anyone as I took the elevator down to the ground floor, and the few employees that I passed as I made my way outside didn’t even glance up at me as I moved quickly through them. The bite of the winter air returning to the exposed skin of my face was more than welcome as I began my usual jogging route along the perimeter of the Compound. I needed to think, and with Loki currently occupying my favorite thinking spot, this was my alternative that wasn’t the confines of my room. I wanted the open air right now.

I didn’t get very far before all of the emotions that I had cycled through in such a short period of time finally fully released themselves into hot tears that rolled down my cheeks. I always cried when I got overwhelmed. It was embarrassing. I let out a strangled shriek and stopped jogging, bending forward at my waist and pulling my sweater into my fists to wipe away the evidence of my emotions. Loki was right. I really was pathetic.

“I am not worth your tears.”

I straightened up and lowered my hands to my sides, digging my nails into the fabric clutched in my palms. I kept my back to him, not wanting to be seen crying for what felt like the thousandth time that day. “Oh?” I asked, cringing inwardly at the break in my voice on such a short word.

His voice was closer this time. “I am not. No one is.”

I barked out a harsh laugh. “Yeah, well, I guess I’ll keep that in mind,” I scoffed, walking away.

His slim fingers encircled my wrist gently to stop my speedy progress away from him. “Did you mean what you said?”

I turned around to face him, swallowing my pride and looking up to him. The cold hatred that he had worn earlier had gone, and in its stead, his eyes were soft as they took in my tear-stained face. Tentatively, he reached up and swiped away a tear as it rolled down my cheek. “Did you mean what you said?” he implored in a low voice.

“I don’t have any reason to lie,” I replied, just as quietly.

In one swift motion he yanked me against him, encompassing me in his strong embrace. My face collided almost painfully with the hard muscles of his chest he was so fast. I remained stiff against him, even as one hand moved from my back to cradle the back of my head. I wasn’t going to let myself get pressured into enjoying how heavenly he smelled, or how comforting it was to my weary heart to feel his voice rumbling through his chest.

“Only one other woman has been able to see through me so effectively.”

A small smile cracked my lips. “Smart woman.”

“Yes, she was,” he replied, voice weighed down with a terrible sadness that tugged at my heart. “This will not be easy.”

I didn’t say anything for a while, letting myself process everything. If he said that I could see through him, that had to be his weird proud way of admitting that I was right. But what about? Everything? That’s what it sounded like. But my weary heart and mind needed more clarification.

I hesitantly lifted my hands from their place at my sides and rested them on his waist, sliding over the slick fabric of his shirt. “I’m going to need you to be more specific, Loki.”

A sigh ruffled my hair before his hands moved to my shoulders to hold me at arm’s length. That same softness was still there on his face, but it was now laced with a hint of vulnerability and fear that I wasn’t used to seeing on him at all. “I have grown quite attached to you, as of late, little one.”

Stifling the hope that soared within my chest, I raised an eyebrow at him. “No tricks?”

He pushed an errant piece of hair behind my ear and let his hand fall to rest on my shoulder so his fingers could lift goosebumps on the soft skin of my neck from his caress. “No more tricks. Not with you.”

Smiling wearily, I stood on my tiptoes and wrapped my arms around his neck, burying my face into the column of his throat. “Don’t make me regret this, Loki,” I pleaded, my voice muffled by his skin.

His arms crushed me to him so tightly that it was hard to take a deep breath, but it still didn’t feel close enough. I felt his smooth lips move against the skin just beneath my ear as he replied, “I wouldn’t dream of it, love.”

#to keep you safe #loki #loki odinson #loki laufeyson #loki friggason #loki fanfic #loki/ofc #marvel fanfic #marvel #marvel fanfiction #language tw

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mybeautifulchristianjourney · 5 years

Photo

Hezekiah Seeks the Lord’s Help

1 When King Hezekiah heard their report, he tore his clothes and put on burlap and went into the Temple of the Lord. 2 And he sent Eliakim the palace administrator, Shebna the court secretary, and the leading priests, all dressed in burlap, to the prophet Isaiah son of Amoz. 3 They told him, “This is what King Hezekiah says: Today is a day of trouble, insults, and disgrace. It is like when a child is ready to be born, but the mother has no strength to deliver the baby. 4 But perhaps the Lord your God has heard the Assyrian chief of staff, sent by the king to defy the living God, and will punish him for his words. Oh, pray for those of us who are left!”

5 After King Hezekiah’s officials delivered the king’s message to Isaiah, 6 the prophet replied, “Say to your master, ‘This is what the Lord says: Do not be disturbed by this blasphemous speech against me from the Assyrian king’s messengers. 7 Listen! I myself will move against him, and the king will receive a message that he is needed at home. So he will return to his land, where I will have him killed with a sword.’”

8 Meanwhile, the Assyrian chief of staff left Jerusalem and went to consult the king of Assyria, who had left Lachish and was attacking Libnah.

9 Soon afterward King Sennacherib received word that King Tirhakah of Ethiopia was leading an army to fight against him. Before leaving to meet the attack, he sent messengers back to Hezekiah in Jerusalem with this message:

10 “This message is for King Hezekiah of Judah. Don’t let your God, in whom you trust, deceive you with promises that Jerusalem will not be captured by the king of Assyria. 11 You know perfectly well what the kings of Assyria have done wherever they have gone. They have completely destroyed everyone who stood in their way! Why should you be any different? 12 Have the gods of other nations rescued them—such nations as Gozan, Haran, Rezeph, and the people of Eden who were in Tel-assar? My predecessors destroyed them all! 13 What happened to the king of Hamath and the king of Arpad? What happened to the kings of Sepharvaim, Hena, and Ivvah?”

14 After Hezekiah received the letter from the messengers and read it, he went up to the Lord’s Temple and spread it out before the Lord. 15 And Hezekiah prayed this prayer before the Lord: “O Lord, God of Israel, you are enthroned between the mighty cherubim! You alone are God of all the kingdoms of the earth. You alone created the heavens and the earth. 16 Bend down, O Lord, and listen! Open your eyes, O Lord, and see! Listen to Sennacherib’s words of defiance against the living God.

17 “It is true, Lord, that the kings of Assyria have destroyed all these nations. 18 And they have thrown the gods of these nations into the fire and burned them. But of course the Assyrians could destroy them! They were not gods at all—only idols of wood and stone shaped by human hands. 19 Now, O Lord our God, rescue us from his power; then all the kingdoms of the earth will know that you alone, O Lord, are God.” Isaiah Predicts Judah’s Deliverance

20 Then Isaiah son of Amoz sent this message to Hezekiah: “This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: I have heard your prayer about King Sennacherib of Assyria. 21 And the Lord has spoken this word against him:

“The virgin daughter of Zion despises you and laughs at you. The daughter of Jerusalem shakes her head in derision as you flee.

22 “Whom have you been defying and ridiculing? Against whom did you raise your voice? At whom did you look with such haughty eyes? It was the Holy One of Israel! 23 By your messengers you have defied the Lord. You have said, ‘With my many chariots I have conquered the highest mountains— yes, the remotest peaks of Lebanon. I have cut down its tallest cedars and its finest cypress trees. I have reached its farthest corners and explored its deepest forests. 24 I have dug wells in many foreign lands and refreshed myself with their water. With the sole of my foot I stopped up all the rivers of Egypt!’

25 “But have you not heard? I decided this long ago. Long ago I planned it, and now I am making it happen. I planned for you to crush fortified cities into heaps of rubble. 26 That is why their people have so little power and are so frightened and confused. They are as weak as grass, as easily trampled as tender green shoots. They are like grass sprouting on a housetop, scorched before it can grow lush and tall.

27 “But I know you well— where you stay and when you come and go. I know the way you have raged against me. 28 And because of your raging against me and your arrogance, which I have heard for myself, I will put my hook in your nose and my bit in your mouth. I will make you return by the same road on which you came.”

29 Then Isaiah said to Hezekiah, “Here is the proof that what I say is true:

“This year you will eat only what grows up by itself, and next year you will eat what springs up from that. But in the third year you will plant crops and harvest them; you will tend vineyards and eat their fruit. 30 And you who are left in Judah, who have escaped the ravages of the siege, will put roots down in your own soil and will grow up and flourish. 31 For a remnant of my people will spread out from Jerusalem, a group of survivors from Mount Zion. The passionate commitment of the Lord of Heaven’s Armies will make this happen!

32 “And this is what the Lord says about the king of Assyria:

“His armies will not enter Jerusalem. They will not even shoot an arrow at it. They will not march outside its gates with their shields nor build banks of earth against its walls. 33 The king will return to his own country by the same road on which he came. He will not enter this city, says the Lord. 34 For my own honor and for the sake of my servant David, I will defend this city and protect it.”

35 That night the angel of the Lord went out to the Assyrian camp and killed 185,000 Assyrian soldiers. When the surviving Assyrians woke up the next morning, they found corpses everywhere. 36 Then King Sennacherib of Assyria broke camp and returned to his own land. He went home to his capital of Nineveh and stayed there.

37 One day while he was worshiping in the temple of his god Nisroch, his sons Adrammelech and Sharezer killed him with their swords. They then escaped to the land of Ararat, and another son, Esarhaddon, became the next king of Assyria. - 2 Kings 19 | New Living Translation (NLT) Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. All rights reserved.

#Hezekiah Seeks the Lord’s Help #Isaiah #prophecy #Jerusalem's deliverance #Hezekiah's prayer #God answers #2 Kings 19 #Book of Second Kings #Old Testament #NLT #New Living Translation #Holy Bible #Tyndale House Foundation

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sawyersick · 5 years

Note

all the questions for that ask game!!! (or as many as you want lol)

holy fuck bee............................. ok get red E its a Lot

1. You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say?

Idk what I would say but I probably wouldn’t be that freaked out... the last person I texted is a good friend/coworker and I trust him

2. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed?

I uhhh can’t remember who the last person I kissed was because it was years ago but let’s assume it was my ex..... he was a toxic pos who tore me down because he had low self esteem so yeah I don’t really like him

3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care?

I would be upset if it was anything more than weed or the ocassional drink or if it was a full blown addiction and I would be mad if they didn’t tell me on principle...

Also I would not be very comfortable if they did it around me because I’m a weenie despite hanging out in hardcore punk groups...... also I can’t stomach the smell of cigarettes im sorry

4. Is your last name longer than six letters?

nope!

5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober?

sober, I don’t drink

6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up?

like..... as a significant other? I guess. I’m pretty bad at telling my feelings to people and I’m kinda clingy when I like someone. idk if I’ve ever *explicitly* messed it up tho

7. What does your last received text say?

“sick” and then the sparkly heart emoji five times

8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed?

lots and lots and lots.... unfortunately. we were together for a year and a half

9. Where was your last kiss at?

fuck bitch I don’t remember.............. school? my house? his house? the pool??? man the last five months of that relationship were affection-less

10. When is the last time you saw your sister?

I don’t have one!

11. What do you drink in the morning?

water and sometimes tea

12. Where did you sleep last night?

the car and then my bed when I got home

13. Do you think relationships are hard?

I mean everything takes effort... I don’t find it hard to do things for people in my relationships but I get frustrated when it isn’t reciprocated and I burn out

14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you?

nah

15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems?

yes....................... many..........................

16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy?

I TRIED to be a good emo and like the rain but tbh I get really reasonally depressive so I prefer the sun 100%

17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you?

nope!

18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants?

jeans!

19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now?

hopefully!! I met this real cute punk boy last night

20. Does anyone like you?

HA I doubt it......... I usually come off as the little sister type to most people

21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S?

nope!

22. Is the last person you kissed gay?

probably

I suspected that he had internalized homophobia but also he was weirdly transphobic to me so I dropped it and pretended to be a cis girl around him which is weird because I think he liked boys??????????????????

23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand?

YES this girl from high school who talked about tentacle porn to school admins for no reason and did lots of other weird shit

24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo?

yes! I have a whale on my hip and I want to get tiny scissors on my arm soon

25. In the past week have you cried?

yes I watched queer eye and a disney movie lol

26. What breed was the last dog you saw?

I follow like 12 samoyeds on instagram but the last dog I saw irl was this ADORABLE black lab who was a service dog and he rested his head on his human’s lap when she sat down in the library and I wanted to cry

27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower?

I have a towel hanging right out side the shower so I grab it, then step out of the shower

28. Have you ever kissed a football player?

hm idk I think so? I definitely kissed a guy who played tennis but he forced it on me so I don’t count it

29. Do you think you’re old?

yes because I hate tiktok

30. Do you like text messaging?

I don’t mind it!! The service at my house sucks tho so I prefer cloud based texting like instagram or facebook messenger

31. What type of day are you having?

A good but slow one! I had a really good night last night so I’m just resting now

32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced?

I’d honestly rather get snake bites if I were to get a piercing but in general I’m afraid of facial piercings

33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather?

warm! then I can head down to the lake :)

34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?

yes! he’s one of my best friends and I talk to him every day and he lives in scotland and I’d like to meet him one day

35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling?

relationship! Flings personally make me feel icky and I’m over that

36. Are you a simple or complicated person?

I’d like to think I’m complicated but I’m a simple man..................... you show me whale, I like

37. What song are you listening to?

any song by Liily, all day every day

38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it?

yes! I perpetually feel bad about everything!!!!!!39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you?

there was! but not anymore because she ghosted me for no reason40. What made you start liking the person you like now?

This person is so cute and kind and creative and nice and sweet and fashionable!!!! and fun to mosh with!!!!!41. When did you last receive a text message?

half an hour ago ish???42. What is wrong with you right now?

I am constantly depressed and there’s nothing I can do about it exceot keep myself insanely busy but that means there’s no breather for me and also I probably have adhd but can’t afford a therapist43. How well do you know the last female you texted?

FeMaLe dude just say chick

pretty well! I like her favourite band and we talk like once a week at the very least44. Does anyone disgust you?

yes my ex was very nasty and tore people down to his level and also this one person from high school who fucked over my friends 45. Would you date someone right now if they asked?

depends on who.... eye emoji............. but probably yes I have low standards46. Are you in a good mood right now?

yes!47. Who was the last person you talked to in person?

my parents? but other than that it was thanking Nick from the band Unpopular Opinion for the lovely tabling opportunity last night48. What color shirt are you wearing?

white T shirt with a cat pink sweater with a cat49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear?

yes one of my parents says nasty things when in a bad mood50. Anyone you’re giving up on?

yes my former best friend who ghosted me and this girl who keeps flaking on plans with me and also a boy who got mixed up in weird drama with me and his ex that I never wanted to be a part of51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for?

I’ve never really falen hard for anyone, just periods of obsession. I guess I’m waiting for that one sPeCiAl sOmEoNe

52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t?

yes, but I’ll settle for waiting53. Do you like rain?

a little of it!54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks?

I’d rather they not be a alcholoic because I had a raging drunk coworker who scared the shit out of me once but I guess I’d be okay with the ocasional drink/drunk night as long as they’re safe55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them?

So many times... I keep my mouth shut because it would never work for one reason or another...... also I’m so SICK of having to make the move all the time I just want to be fawned over I’ve never had anyone do ANYTHING romantic for me 56. Do you like to cuddle?

.......................yes57. Are you shy?

not normally! I LOVE being social but in relationships yeah because I’m insecure58. Do you get along with girls?

yes? girls who don’t get along with girls are lame...... lift each other up don’t tear yaselves down59. Have you dated the person you texted last?

nope! But I’ll admit I thought about it haha60. What do you carry with you at all times?

chapstick, money, and pepper spray

ya boy don’t mess around61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you?

depends on the haunted levels, as long as the “ghost” would only watch/appear and not scream or whatever or try to make contact I guess that would be fine? but if It tries to disturb me I’m yeeting mysef the fuck outta here because ya boy needs uninterrupted beauty rest62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months?

yep! I dragged one out for a year and a half when I really should have ended things much sooner than that63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship?

nope! Been single for around two years now64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute?

YES HOLY SHIT65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week?

I fired some pieces in my pottery class! my mugs and bowls came out so well

and I met the cutest punk boy last night!!!!!! he’s so cute and very my type and I got to dance with him in the mosh pit!!!!!!!!!! tell me that’s not the cutest punk thing ever

66. How old are the last three people you kissed?

19, 18(17???), and 21

67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself?

I’ve only gotten them done once! It was very enjoyable but I’m a cheapskate so I’d probably rather do them myself68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print?

leopard print I guess69. Do you have any stickers on your car?

one! A turtle from the Maui Ocean Center. I’d like to add a few more sea-related ones and maybe a totoro I bought at a con a few years back70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne?

literally who the fuck even are these people71. Blackberry, Android, or iPhone?

android 4 lyfe72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut?

never? my DnD group would get round table or little caesars73. Do you like diet soda?

I guess? I like it the same as diet soda74. What color are the walls in your room?

one purple wall and the other three are pastel mint75. Are you 16 or older?

yeah baybee76. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars?

nope 77. Do you have a job?

yep! I’m a windsurfing instructor 78. What are your initials?

ZSKMTS

but usually I go by SS79. Did you ever have braces?

nope! I’ve got near-perfect teeth :D80. Are you from the south?

nope!

81. What does your last status on facebook say?

I talked about meeting my favourite band again!82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed?

no because he forced himself on me when we were young and I think he remembers and is ashamed and also doesn’t live near me anymore 83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad?

idk, I’m close but not in different ways with both of them84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics?

I was really good at the tumbling unit in 6th grade85. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters?

Once Upon a Time in Hollywood? I don’t go to the movies much 86. Do you smoke?

no the smell of cigarettes makes me want to vomit87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops?

I love heels but I LIVE in flip flops bc california88. Is your phone touch screen?

yes???? damn when was this ask game made89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly?

straight.......... I’m too lazy to curl it 90. Have you ever snuck out of your house?

nope! I’m a weenie 91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool?

the ocean!!!!!!!! But I guess a pool bc I’m afraid of the flesh eating bacteria in freshwater lakes92. Have you ever made out in a car?

no but I HAVE made out on some random person’s lawn lmao93. …Had sex in a car?

no I’m a virgin 94. Are you single or in a relationship?

single pringle who loves to mingle 95. What were you doing last night at midnight?

selling my art and listening to cool bands and dancing with cute punk people!!!96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks?

the day after the fourth of July 97. Do you like the camera on your phone?

yes! I just got a new phone and the camera is way better than my old one

the low lighting setting is c r i s p 98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits?

I made out with this one friend of mine like twice and then I never did it again bc I felt icky 99. Have you ever passed out from drinking?

no I don’t drink100. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate?

NAH BRO YOU GOTTA UNFRIEND THE FUCK OUTTA THEM NO RAGRETS 101. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare?

nope I’m a virgin102. Name your favorite Kesha song:

Liily? did you mean Liily???? my favourite Liily song is Wash, Toro, or The Weather103. Do you have any tan lines right now?

yeah one from the ring I wear every day and like a shorts tan from summer104. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts?

hell yeah but ONLY if the cowboy boots are bright red or hot pink no exceptions

#long post #ask #bumbleberrybee

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thorne93 · 6 years

Text

Curious Conundrum (Part 37)

Prompt: You’re John Watson’s sister. One day you decide to visit your brother for lunch, only to meet the infamous Mr. Holmes…

Word Count: 1718

Warnings: language, flirtation, sexual innuendos (maybe? idfk), murder/crime/case related stuff, angst, jealousy…

Notes: Beta’d by @carryonmyswansong Not only did she beta, but I literally couldn’t have written half these scenes without her help. She contributed majorly, even wrote some parts of scenes. I am forever in her debt.

Also, this starts AFTER Season 2, episode 1. I don’t follow all the episodes, but it does follow the timeline and hit some major events : )

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sherlock awoke in another room, much like the ones he’d been on. He was lying on the table in the room, only to be woken by the little girl speaking. He was stumbling about, trying to figure out where exactly he was.

As he was trying to instruct the little girl, he asked, “Are you there yet?”

Suddenly, you heard his voice. You woke up leaning against a brick wall. You took in a large gasp of air, feeling all over your body for a bullet wound, stunned and relieved when you found none.

“I’m here!” you answered, wondering where you were. You started to feel around in the darkness, feeling...stone? Something rough. You were outside, you could hear nature - trees, wind, water…

“Y/N! Oh thank God you’re alive,” he said with heavy relief. “Where are you?”

“I don’t know. I just woke up. Where are you?”

“I think I’m in another cell. I just spoke to the little girl on the plane. We've been out for hours.”

“Hours? Jesus… Wait, she’s still in the air?” you questioned. Something didn’t make sense. The ground was getting closer to her earlier, and now she was suddenly somehow in the air?

“Yes, the plane will keep flying until it runs out of fuel,” he informed.

“Yes, Sherlock I deduced that much on my own…” You rolled your eyes. Honestly sometimes he thought you were some ordinary person.

“Is Mycroft or John with you?” he asked.

“No, I don’t think so. John? John! Mycroft? Mycroft?” you called continuously but heard nothing but your own voice back. “No. They aren’t here.”

After a second of quiet, Sherlock finally asked, “Are you alright?”

“I’m as alright as I can be. I’m alive, you’re alive, that’s what matters,” you answered wryly.

“Okay, keep exploring. Tell me anything you can about where you are,” he demanded.

“Alright. The walls are rough, like stone, not brick. I’m standing on--”

But you stopped, realization finally hitting you.

“Y/N? Y/N!” Sherlock called in panic. “What is it? What do you see?”

“Water, Sherlock. I’m in about two feet of water. I can’t see beneath it but--” You tried to walk, but as soon as you did, your ankle caught. “My ankle is chained. It’s not flat. Hang on.” You reached down and picked up the odd thing you’d been stepping on. When your hands came out of the water and your eyes adjusted to the dim light, you gasped. “There are bones in here with me, Sherlock.”

“Bones? What kind of bones?”

“Small.”

After a second, he whispered, “Redbeard,” in your ear, then after that it was radio silence.

You wanted to panic, it felt like you should be panicking, but this once, your rational mind overcame fear. You took a deep breath, just hoping you would hear from Sherlock, and hoping your brother and Mycroft were okay. You tried pulling on the chain once more to see if it would come loose, but it was futile. All the tugging did was cut into your flesh.

“Man, I really hate his sister,” you quietly said to no one in particular. “She’s definitely not invited to the wedding.”

“Nearly home,” you suddenly heard.

“Sherlock? Hey, I’m in a well. I should’ve figured that out with the water and stone but it’s so damned dark.”

“Why would there be a well in Sherrinford?” he wondered.

“I don’t know… fresh water?” you tried.

“Shut up,” he ordered and you rolled your eyes. However infuriating, you knew he must need to concentrate to find you, the boys, and the plane.

Several minutes went by while Sherlock spoke to someone you couldn’t hear, so you waited and waited until suddenly water started to pour in on top of you in the well. It wasn’t rain either.

“Sherlock?”

He didn’t respond.

“Sherlock?” you tried again, keeping the urgency out of your voice.

Nothing.

“Sherlock, please, I know you’re trying to focus but the well is filling up.”

“Try hard not to drown, as long as you can,” he ordered.

“Oh, thanks for the tip,” you shouted back. God, what an ass. But your frustration quickly dissipated when you realized just how fast the water was rising. What was at tops of your legs was now at your waist. “Sherlock, hurry!”

Sherlock tried talking again, he wasn’t talking to you but you tried to focus on his voice to keep you calm. Eventually, the bones were floating all around you and you eyed them curiously. These bones weren’t an animals as you had suspected. They were longer than that and then --

“Uh, Sherlock. The bones in here with me--”

“Yes, they’re dog’s bones. Redbeard,” he said with an agitated voice.

“They’re not dog’s bones, Sherlock,” you stated with horror lacing your voice as you saw the skull floating by.

More chatting in your ear, but the water continued to fill up the well around you, You tried to keep your head up and back away from the rising water.

“Need your help. I’m trying to solve a puzzle,” he said and you weren’t sure if he was talking to you or his other company.

“The wrong dates. She used the wrong dates on the gravestones as the key to the cipher.and the cipher was the song,” he muttered.

At first you weren’t sure what the hell he was talking about, but this was Sherlock. He’d never let anything happen to you, so you left him be. Shouting at him, begging for him to work faster, or wondering what he was doing wouldn’t have helped.

But soon the water was nearly too high, at your neck and rising quickly. You braced yourself for having to possibly wade against the chains or hold your breath however long you could.

The water started to get on the earpiece and you could barely make out what Sherlock was saying. Accepting your fate seemed imminent, so you began saying your quiet goodbyes again. They were out loud at first, but then the water came up past your mouth and nose, so you held your breath, praying this would at least be painless.

-------------------

You weren’t entirely sure what happened next. You knew you felt a hand, a body, gripping yours and then you were warmer. Eventually, your full senses came back and you realized you were sitting in an ambulance, a warm blanket over you.

“Hey, there you are,” John said as he walked up, noticing you were more aware of your surroundings.

“Where are we?” you asked uneasily as you looked into the darkness. It appeared to be a country cottage that had burned.

“Musgrave. Sherlock grew up here. “

“But… why are we here?”

John waited a moment, then said, “I’m going to let him explain that to you.” With that, he glanced up and Sherlock was making his way towards you.

John patted your leg and stood, giving you two privacy. Sherlock sat next to you then.

“Are you okay?”

“No,” you answered.

“That's fair.”

Your eyes searched the area of emergency vehicles and you saw that Eurus was loaded up in a van.

“There’ taking her back to Sherrinford, aren’t they?”

“I’m afraid so. I told her I’d take her home.”

“That’s not possible for someone like her.”

“I know but I… feel so bad.”

You shook your head. “What happened here?”

Sherlock looked up, gazing at the charred home as he sighed and answered. “Long ago, when I was a child, we played here. Lived here. I had a friend, Victor who… well… we played pirates. I called him Redbeard, and I was YYellowbeard. Eurus… her mind was already so complicated, so complex that she felt as though she wasn’t included. I suppose the adolescent psychopathy drove her to a jealous fit of rage and she… killed my best friend, because she felt she was alone.”

“That’s...the most awful thing I’ve ever heard,” you confessed.

“Yes…It is.”

Lestrade approached then and said that Mycroft was found alive and safe in Eurus old cell. Sherlock asked that he look after Mycroft.

“So… where do we go from here?” Sherlock asked.

“Where do you want to go?”

“For starters, I think my parents should know Eurus is alive,” he stated.

“Are you sure?”

“No matter what she’s done, or what she is, she is their daughter. They have a right to know.”

“I suppose you’re right,” you agreed.

“So I suppose this is it, then.”

“This is what?” you inquired.

“Well... you said you didn’t want me to say those words to you again, and after everything that’s happened I would assume you--”

You shook your head and closed your eyes. “I wasn't breaking up with you, you idiot. You just can’t say that to me anymore.”

After a moment he nodded. “Even after what I said to Molly? Can you ever forgive me for what I did? What I said? I should've listened to you. Eurus is dangerous, but my huge ego got in the way.”

You smiled. “At least you’re a big enough man to admit that. You’ve come a long way.”

“I’ve still got a very long way to go… a journey that I hope… you’ll accompany me on?” he asked hesitantly, scared for your answer.

You let out a sigh. “Sherlock, I’m not… mad about what you said to Molly. I was only hurt. No matter what happens between you and I, the fact that you chose Molly to confide in when you staged your suicide and not me will always be a thorn in my side. Irene too. Women that matter a lot to you, I worry that one day you won’t think I measure up.”

He turned to you and placed his fingers under your chin and lifted your face so that you were looking into his eyes. He was never this tender or sweet in public.

“Y/N Watson, how many times must I tell you that you are, always have been, and always will be enough?” he questioned with soft wonder and concern.

A tiny smile touched the corners of your mouth.

“And how many times do I have to tell you, that I’ll always say yes to you?”

“I guess we’ll just have to keep doing it,” he noted before he kissed you gently.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Forever Tag:

@cocosierra94-deactivated2018081

@essie1876

@magpiegirl80

@letsgetfuckingsuperwholocked

@iamwarrenspeace

@marvel-imagines-yes-please

@superwholocked527

@missinstantgratification

@thejemersoninferno

@rda1989

@munlis

@thefridgeismybestie

@bubblyanarocks3

@igiveupicantthinkofausername

@kaliforniacoastalteens

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@kaeling

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@yknott81

@sorryimacrapwriter

@glitterquadricorn

@xxqueenofisolationxx

@little-dis-kaalista-pythonissama

@bittersweetunicorm

@alyssaj23

CC tag: @disneyoncerlover815 @ultrarebelheart @tngrayson @clairese1980 @ladyblablabla @molethemollie @lareinedususpense007

#curious conundrum #sherlock holmes x reader #sherlock x reader #sherlock holmes fic #sherlock fic #sherlock holmes #john watson

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sending-the-message · 6 years

Text

Engagement Ring by DrElsewhere

I am currently on a “grocery store run”. Lying to the love of my life was difficult but it was the only thing I could think of before coming to a local coffee shop with free Wi-Fi. Honestly, I don’t think she cares about where I am anymore. I knew I had to let someone know about my situation and see if anyone else has any advice. I will give you the backstory first.

I met Erin two years ago through a mutual friend. We instantly hit it off as conversation was easy and laughs were plentiful. She was a very attractive blonde bombshell and being left out of the handsome gene pool I knew she was way out of my league. After a few more encounters that went flawless I mustered up the courage to ask for a date. She said yes. Not long after we officially started dating all the usual happened; I met her family and friends, she met mine, I didn’t like some of her friends, she didn’t like some of my family, we laughed, we travelled, we kissed, we fought, we had sex, we said I love you, we talked about the future, and after two years of dating the “what if” scenarios transformed into reality. The odd thing about love is never knowing how it will happen. One day, in the middle of the summer, we were driving back from a nice park picnic and she gave me a look. I knew she was letting every wall she had put up over her 25 years of existence crumble down. Her blue eyes gave me a glimpse of her soul. I knew right then I wanted to marry this woman.

Luckily the next weekend she was going to visit friends a few hours’ drive away so it gave me plenty of time to look at engagement rings. Being on a very tight budget (thanks student loans) I shopped online for several hours but everything was overpriced. I went in-store to several locations thinking face-to-face would offer better deals but was wrong. As I walked out of the store the look on my face must have been pathetic since a stranger showed me sympathy. He was probably 55 but looked 70. He stank and his long white hair was growing towards his back from years of finger combing. Being so down I needed any help I could get. He told me of a place downtown that sold nice jewelry at cheap prices. Assuming it was stolen property I was hesitant but before I could ask the stranger assured me it wasn’t.

Before the next hour I was inside the building where this “nice but cheap jewelry” was being sold. The business was a type of consignment/antique shop. After looking around briefly I noticed in between the piles of junk was piles of damaged antiques. I had no idea how anyone would buy this garbage even if it was cheap. After asking the woman behind the counter about jewelry a wooden tray was set in from of me full of rings, necklaces, and earrings. As I was digging around the tray the green velvet piece under the merchandise shifted and a sparkle caught my eye. After lifting up the velvet I grabbed a ring that had been hidden out of sight. The diamond was huge (especially for my budget) and the filigree along the band was intricate. I knew the rings Erin owned slipped comfortably around my pinky so after a quick test I knew it would fit. For some reason, the woman gave an odd look when I asked for the price. Five hundred dollars later the ring was mine.

Over the next few months I planned for the proposal. It went perfect. She said yes as the sun was setting over our favorite lake which was then followed by her close family and friends celebrating the occasion. Me, the goofy introvert, got the woman of my dreams.

The next few days were euphoric. We would wake up happy and go to bed happy. She was a secretary at a law firm and would always joke to friends how much she loved typing now because she gets to stare at her ring all day. I was proud knowing I found an amazing ring for such a great deal. However, the third day after the proposal is when I started noticing her change in behavior.

That morning I got out of bed before her as usual. After a quick shower I was brushing my teeth when I saw Erin roll over in her sleep. Her feet were covered in something black like ash. Normally a light sleeper she didn’t answer when I asked about it. I left the house and went to work not thinking about it again until I came home. She was still lying in bed. I was gone from 7 in the morning until 5:30 in the afternoon. Once again I asked if she had showered, went to work or eaten anything but was again met with silence. Assuming she was sick I made her some soup (vegetable beef, her favorite) but upon bringing her the bowl I saw her standing by the bed. Her hair was matted to her head while partly covering her face. She stared at me like she was confused who I was. She wouldn’t eat the soup or even speak to me. She just looked around our bedroom then went back to sleep. At this point I was worried but knowing the next day was Saturday I assumed we could work out her problem then.

The next morning, I awoke to the sound of her showering. A brief conversation later informed me that she had no recollection of the past day. I wanted her to see a doctor but she put the blame on a strong cold. The rest of the day was typical as we watched Netflix, cooked lunch, checked our blogs, and played with our cat. We discussed possible plans for a wedding and she reminded me how beautiful her ring was. Everything went smoothly for another week before she started acting strange again.

I woke up in the middle of the night to an empty spot beside me. I walked around the house looking for Erin then heard a faint whisper coming from the spare bedroom. Listening through the cracked door I could hear her whispering to herself. “through sickness and in health, through sickness and in health, through sickness and in health” She kept saying the phrase over and over. I never knew her to sleepwalk but assuming as much I opened the door only to find her burning her hand on a candle flame. I got her attention by clicking the light on. She turned her neck and stared. The smell of her burning skin was strong. She kept her hand on the flame while staring. Those beautiful blue eyes were now gray and unfamiliar. Before I could take a step towards her she blew the candle out and sprinted out of the room. I chased after her but she quickly stopped in the middle of the living room. I kept asking what was wrong and if she was ok. She stared at me again before letting out a violent scream. During her scream every fire alarm in the house went off.

I spend the next few hours turning off the alarms, helping Erin to bed after wrapping her hand, and debating whether or not to call family. If she had any history of sleepwalking or worse, harming herself, I should know about it. Before I had time to call I smelled smoke. I ran to the bedroom where Erin was sleeping but there was nothing. I approached my fiancée and was overcome with the smell of smoke. My eyes watered and the soot taste was in my mouth. I checked everywhere but there was no fire source for the smell. It was coming from Erin.

Afraid to leave her alone I called in sick to work the next morning. She spent 5 hours staring at her ring. Every attempt at conversation was fruitless. Without warning she started screaming and crawling at the walls like she was in pain. Her whispers have become inaudible. The last few nights I barely slept so the nap I took was unavoidable. For 3 hours Erin was alone and I have no idea what she did until I woke up.

I woke up to the sound of another fire alarm yet this time I saw smoke. The source was easy to trace; the oven. As I made my way to the kitchen I realized every wall was covered in ashy handprints. Fearing Erin had squeezed herself into the oven I flung open the door as a burst of smoke covered my sight. I heard snickering behind me. Erin burst into laughter as I saw my charred cat gasping for breath.

In a rage I tried removing the ring from her finger but Erin pushed me away with ease. The second attempt left my hands burnt. The ring was scorching hot and left blisters on my fingers and palms. Somehow the skin on Erin’s ring finger is unscathed.

Yesterday Erin starting carrying a lit candle with her around the house. I noticed new burns on her skin every few hours. I have begged her to stop but I am answered with screams or inaudible whispers. She doesn’t sleep anymore. The house smells like a campfire and burnt flesh. Her eyes are distant. I love this woman but I am afraid the soul I once took comfort in is gone.

Last night she stayed in the living room staring at her ring while whispering to herself. Choosing to sleep I drifted off at midnight only to be woken up an hour later by Erin standing over me with the lit candle. I had a feeling I woke up just in time before she set my bedsheets on fire. I don’t know for certain if she would hurt me but the look in her face was of indifference.

I left this morning while she went back to staring at her ring. I haven’t slept more than 8 hours in three days. I fear for my life and the health of my fiancée. I have been thinking about why this is happening and my only conclusion is the ring. Before contacting our family, I wanted to reach out and see if anyone has any advice on what I could do or how this ring is causing problems.

#reddit #nosleep #scary #story

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pri-the-writer · 7 years

Text

All My Fault

(This is long overdue but basically @vp-dot-png made this little beauty http://vp-dot-png.tumblr.com/post/159524852268/do-you-remember-that-solangelo-prompt-i-sent-in-a for a prompt I sent in and I always said I would make a fanfic for it and guess what I did. Here it is, enjoy!)

It was supposed to be a simple exorcism. Lately Nico said he had sensed strange things in the shadows, so he, Will, and Apollo (who had invited himself along) had gone out to exorcise ghosts from buildings, the woods, and (occasionally) people. Their latest endeavor took place in an old, rundown mansion down the coast a bit from Camp Half-Blood. There had been reports of ghost sightings and attacks on the mortals, and Nico confirmed that something was lingering in the house. So the boys (and the god) headed to the mansion to investigate.

“Well, that certainly looks ominous.” Apollo said bluntly as they looked up at the dark and gloomy old mansion. The large front porch was overrun with vines of poison ivy, and the porch itself, much like the rest of the house, was falling apart. There were graffiti tags on the walls, some fully drawn and some hastily done or incomplete. The trees above them were so thick in the canopy that it seemed like dusk instead of the afternoon. But that wasn't the creepiest part. No, that would be the lack of vines or grass on the front walk and the path to the door. It was almost as if someone had expected them and prepared for their visit.

“It's just an old house, Apollo. Nothing omnicess about it. Now if you're scared, you can just go back to camp.” Nico snapped. He had been in a bad mood ever since he had sensed the dark presence inside. Will rolled his eyes and reprimanded his boyfriend, “Nico, be nice. This place is even giving me the heebee jeebies.”

Nico huffed, but didn't say anything else about the matter. Instead, he headed up the path to the porch without another word. Will and Apollo spared a glance with each other and the younger blonde gave his father an apologetic shrug. They eventually followed Nico and joined him on the porch.

“Will, Apollo… be careful. This one feels… wrong.” Nico warned. He didn't know how to describe it any other way. The spirit inside this house just didn't seem like anything he had faced before. Will nodded and steeled his hls nerves, while Apollo gulped and tightened his grip on the duffel bag containing their supplies. Nico reached for the doorknob, only for it to swing open all on it's own.

“Okay nope. Time for Apollo to leave now.” Apollo said and he turned around and attempted to leave, only for Nico to grab the back of his shirt and haul him into the house. Will followed, a bit wary of the house now that they were inside, but hid it well enough.

The entryway led into a larger room, almost the size of a ballroom. Along the walls were old paintings that had faded over time so that the faces were blurred and unrecognizable. The furniture, covered by a thick layer of dust, were pushed against the wall to make room in the center. This old room may have actually been a ballroom, or perhaps was used for dinner parties and the likes.

“Nico, you go get a feel of the place while Apollo and I set up the equipment. Oh, and Nico,” Will paused and pressed a kiss to his boyfriend's cheek before he added, “Be careful.”

“You're the one who needs to be careful, Doc.” Will teased. Will chuckled at that and ruffled Nico's hair affectionately before the demigod went off to explore. Will turned back to Apollo, who had a grin plastered to his face as he said, “You two are really good for each other, you know?”

Will blushed at that and mumbled something about how they needed to get started to set up the camera. The kids at Half-Blood were in need of some kind of entertainment, so Will had suggested they film their little escapades as a sort of ghost hunters show. The kids knew that spirits and ghosts were real of course, but it was still fun to watch.

While Will and Apollo set everything up, Nico wandered around the house and one of the hallways that branched off from the ballroom. He looked up at the ancient portraits and busts of people long forgotten. A thick layer of dust covered the artwork, save for a cracked bust at the end of the hall of a man who looked like he was in his 20s or 30s, possibly from the Greek period. Nico had seen a fair share of Greek and Roman artwork, obviously, and was able to pick it out from the others with ease.

Unlike the other busts and portraits, this piece was spotless, save for a crack that ran across the face diagonally like a horrible scar. As Nico neared the portrait, he sensed something… wrong with it. Something was inside the painting itself- something evil. Before Nico could think about it further, the bust suddenly cracked open further along the scar and something black and smoke like leaked out and- that was the last thing Nico saw before he blacked out.

Back in the ballroom, Will and Apollo got worried about Nico, who never took longer than 5 minutes to look around. Will checked his watch over and over again until Apollo squeezed his shoulder and said, “Don't worry, he probably just got lost. I'll go look for him.”

“Are you sure Apollo? Aren't you usually the one who never wants to split up?” Will asked in confusion.

“Yes, normally I am, but I don't like to set up even more than splitting up. I'll be right back.” Apollo said before he went off to look for his future son in law. He spent about 5 or 6 minutes looking around the dusty old house looking for Nico before he found him standing in front of the remains of a bust, it's dust and pebbles coating the floor at Nico's feet.

“There you are Nico! Will was worried about you, so I heroically volunteered to… go look for… you? Nico… are you alright? I'm sensing something… off about you. And it's more than the usual Underworld vibe I usually get from you.” Apollo asked as he approached Nico. He placed a hand on Nico's shoulder to turn the boy around, only for Nico turn on his own accord and bring his fist to Apollo’s face with enough force to knock the god-turned-mortal out cold.

Will heard a crash come from the hallway Nico and his father were in and quickly called out as he stood up from the dusty floor, “You guys alright?”

When only silence met him, Will started towards the hallway, worried but sure that Apollo had just bumped into and knocked over something. His worry only increased as the air grew heavier around him and the shadows seemed to grow, but Will still had no idea he himself have need to fear for his life until all he could see was shadows and the world went dark.

Will woke up eventually, back in the ballroom, but hardly alone this time. Next to where he lay on the floor, Nico was standing over Apollo, a purple light surrounding and connecting the two. Nico was faced away from Will, but Apollo’s face- twisted in pain and agony- could be seen pressed against the floorboards, as though some force was keeping him pinned.

“N-Nico? What are you doing to Apollo?” Will stammered out incoherently as he managed to push himself up to a kneeling position. Nico stiffened visibly at Will’s words and the light faded. Apollo passed out then, exhausted. Now it was just Nico and Will, except… it wasn't Nico. The paler boy turned suddenly and purple eyes glowing like blacklight bulbs focused on Will with a cold, calculating gaze.

“... You're not Nico.” Will whispered as he came to his senses and stood up. Nico- no, the person possessing Nico chuckled at that and said, “Give the son of Apollo a prize: he figured it out.”

Will quickly but cautiously backed away from the stranger disguised as his boyfriend and demanded to know, “Who are you? What are you? Why have you possessed Nico? What were you doing to Apollo?”

“So many questions with this one. Unfortunately, I’m more of a ghost of actions than words. Let’s see if you can use that brain if yours huh?” The ghost said as he stepped towards Will and raised his hand up next to his face. The hand became engulfed in purple light suddenly, which then formed into a ball before the ghost hurled it at Will, who quickly jumped out of the way before the ball of light hit the wall behind him and exploded in a shower of sparks.

“You’re a ghost then! Someone who- gah!- used to live here? And what you were doing… Shit! You were stealing energy or power from Apollo, weren’t you?” Will guessed as he dodged more balls of light before he eventually ducked behind some old furniture.

“Ding ding ding! Give the boy a prize, he’s so smart. Unfortunately, dear old daddy here doesn’t have much juice in him, being mortal now and all. But your boyfriend? Oh my, he could be a god all on his own. I think I’ll keep him.” The ghost chuckled darkly. Will’s breath caught in his lungs at that, and a sudden blind rage filled the young demigod as he screamed and ran out from behind the couch to charge his assailant.

As soon as he did so, unfortunately, Will was hit with a ball of energy that blew him back against the wall with the force alone. The energy burned him and left scars along his face and body, as well as drained him of his own energy with one blow. Will fell forward after crashing into the wall, unconscious.

The ghost snickered, pleased with his work, until he noticed his hold on Nico was fading. It seemed that all of those blasts had used up his energy and his time in this body was ending. With a frown and a scoff, The ghost grumbled, “Goddamnit.”

With that the ghost left Nico’s body, quickly hiding in the walls to avoid the Ghost King’s wrath. As the purple glow faded from Nico’s eyes, he stumbled slightly and groaned as he rubbed his face. He looked around a bit, shocked at the damage and curious as to what had happened, before his eyes landed on Will, who lay motionless on the floor in front of Nico.

“W-Will?... Oh my Gods…” Nico whispered in shock as he wrapped an arm around himself and felt tears start to sting his eyes. He quickly wiped them away before running to Will’s side, gently flipping him over and checking his vitals. Thankfully, Will was alive and breathing, but he was badly burned and concussed. As Nico looked over his battered boyfriend, he knew somehow, that “This is all my fault.”

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yoshimickster · 7 years

Text

RWBY-Volume 5 Ep 4 Recap (Spoilers)

We start the ep off with refreshing the FUCKING website three times because Rooster Teeth broke itself AGAIN! Pay five bucks a month for this and its still buggy dammit.

1:32 But the episode REALLY starts off with Yang and her new bestest buddy gap-tooth McGee riding her not-a-dirtbike through the forest! Seriously their different bikes, that things gonna get...clogged or something(Yoshimickster the nerd does not know how bikes work).

1:47

Yang:How much further pal?

Gappy: This should just about do it*Grins*.

Oh you dumb mother fucker, if this is a trap-

2:03 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN-our NEW episode meme-SHADE TIPPING YANG!

She then takes off her robe while you filthy PERVERTS out there wished she’d take out all her clothes-UNTIL-

2:17-ITS A TRAP! WHICH-Yang of course predicted because COME ON-you think someone who got her arm chopped off would be ANYTHING but paranoid?!

2:30 Gappy:HAHA-you fell RIGHT into my trap!

Yang:Oh no, I totally trusted you.

Gappy: And you’ll NEVER get to our bandit base RIGHT up that way!

Yang: Oh no, that was exactly what I wanted to know, how unfortunate.

Gappy:...you planned this didn’t you?

Yang: Yyyyyyyyup.

Momoko-lookalike: DAMMIT STEVE-after those two got drunk on watch last night management has been on our asses!

3:00

Gappy: Okay, her bracelet transformed, that’s nothing, BECAUSE I HAVE A GUN WITH A POINT ON THE END!

3:16

Gappy:...AND she has a gun hand, BUT I’m sure my competent crew of bandits WILL defeat her!

3:52 PAHA-it fucking jams after ONE shot! By the creator gods Branwen clan, what are your HIRING requirements? Like stealing shit and that’s it? No vetting for skill? I bet I could get hired by them...I WISH I could get hired by them, damn I want a real job.

4:06 Took out ALL those guys and all it gave her was a bit of the damn shakes, WILD!

Gappy: Raven is gonna be SO mad at us.

Momoko-lookalike: What do you mean US, Mr.Planman.

4:32

Gappy: AND SHE’S THE BOSSES DAUGHTER TOO?! I AM SO DEAD!

Momoko-lookalike:YUP-just you, because WE got beat up by a Grimm and didn’t try to rob the bosses daughter.

Blade-guy: YUP-a BIG scary Grimm.

Gappy: You guys are dicks.

4:36 CUT TO-Ruby assaulting Oscar Pine! I kid, its just training-BUT-it is nice seeing Ruby PUNCH something for once, vary it up girl!

And I’m AWAITING the cutesy fan-art of these two fighting, as logic dictates.

5:16 Dude, Oscar, ya GOTTA use your aura, what are you, volume one Jaune Arc?

5:21 AND Ozpin’s behind the wheel-SHITS GOIN’ DOWN YO!

5:56 ...and he owns her in like, LESS than a minute, hot damn he skilled.

6:30 Oh boy, their talking about semblances, Nora shut up, Nora shut up-

6:50 Jaune:I...can’t do it-

Ruby: Oh crap, POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT TIME!

CRISIS averted.

7:36

Nora: Oh, struck by lightning, didn’t die-CRAZY-Thursday.

...that makes the absolute MOST sense for her character.

8:05 BACK TO THE BANDITS!

Momoko: This is SO degrading.

Bladeguy: I’ve never had a PITY hostage before.

Yang: Oh please, I’m sure PLENTY of girls took pity on you.

8:28

AND THERE THEY ARE PLAYING CARDS-get to work you morons!

8:36

...WAIT AN AURA CRACKING MINUTE-Weiss is still in a cage? You can get another weapon girl, your sister has money! I say sister because...yeah fuck Jacques up the dick.

8:49 We then see her mini-knight...chip away at the metal cage? Damn, she is REALLY taking her time with this isn’t she? I’d have gone full on Titan mode and layed WASTE to the bandit camp. I mean what, they only have like what TWO real fighters and a bunch of scrubs?

9:08

Raven: All right, who woke me up from my hangover na-*sees Yang*...ooooooooooooooooh shit.

9:30 That burning pit in your stomach? That’s the intensifying RAGE we all feel every time Raven’s condescending ass speaks down to Yang-GRAH-I just want her to die!

10:26 TWISTS AND TURNS-she sought out her mom FOR Ruby! BEST BIG SIS EVER!

11:17...wait her portal deal is...A SEMBLANCE?! Damn, this show really DOES follow X-men rules don’t it?

12:42 Oh crap, music is happening-FIGHT TIME! Also Vernal still has Weiss’ Myrtenaster, which she is TOTALLY going to keep forever. Totally.

13:32

Weiss:...Yang?

Yang: Weiss?

Weiss: WHAT UP GIRL?!

Yang: HEY GIRL-just punching bandits like a boss.

Weiss: That’s cool, that’s cool, can you get my sword from that short-hair bitch? I desperately wanna leave.

13:46

Weiss: Actually fuck that-BAD ASS WOW LOOKING KNIGHT! INYUKSHUK!

14:42

Raven: Give the girl her weapon back!

Vernal: But mooooooooooooooom, I wanted to SMITE them!

Weiss: And I wanted to KILL you all!

Yang: This is SO typical mom, won’t come to my birthday, you kidnap one of my possible girlfriends, won’t let me fight-WHY CAN’T YOU LET ME BE HAPPY?!

15:10 FREEZERBURN HUG-there ya go shippers! All while...the knight just watches...go away dude, no fight here!

All in all a good mix of exposition and action, also can’t wait to find out why Raven betrayed Ozpin saying “He’s not what you think he is” and what-not. ALSO-we can ALL agree that Yang and Weiss would’ve taken out that whole Bandit camp easily-INCLUDING-little miss Spring and gloomy miss teleport pants.

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deathandrenegades · 7 years

Text

Operation Foxtrot (Bucky x Reader) - Part 4

Summary: New to the compound, it almost feels like you and Bucky have a connection you can’t quite put your finger on. With Hydra still a threat, how will that affect you?

Word Count: 2073

A/N: fighting, swearing. some slight angst but mostly just fluff.

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

Bucky walked into the living room slowly, analyzing where to sit. He chose next to me, on the other side of the L-shaped leather couch. Now it was my turn to be nervous. I felt my heart stutter as he sat next to me, thigh brushing against mine, he didn't even bother to conceal his annoyance. He glanced at me, my eyes trained on the movie. He sat back, folding his arms across his chest and then pulling his hair into a bun. Stark began to chuckle. My eyes flicked over to him, mortified of the trouble he'd start. Bucky glared at him, trying to tell him to shut up with his eyes. Tony didn't get that.

"Barnes, are you jealous?" Stark said through breaths. I felt Steve tense up next to me. "No, why would I be?" Bucky countered, eyes never leaving the screen.

"Oh right yeah no, no reason of course." Stark fake assured, throwing his hands up. "Not like you have feelings for the girl or anything." Tony shrugged and looked back at the screen. I froze at his words, my eyes shifting to Bucky for his response. He glared at Tony, his breath heavy. Finally he looked over at me, his glare softening. Then he broke away, a light pink blush creeping up onto his face. Steve cleared his throat, shifting slightly, signaling me he's getting up. I leaned over, my left side completely pressed against Buckys arm and I felt him stiffen slightly. His body burned against me, being so Close I wanted nothing more than to just nuzzle up against him, have him wrap his arm around me. But I knew he'd never do that, especially not in front of everyone here.

Steve walked to the kitchen and grabbed a drink, when he returned he sat more towards the edge of the couch. I narrowed my eyes at him, he sipped his drink nervously under my gaze.

It seemed like a full eon before the movie was over. Slowly, everyone dwindled out of the room. Stark winked at me before leaving, fixing his glasses, Steve mumbled something about being tired. Finally it was my turn to get up. Bucky remained a statue throughout the whole film, refusing to look at me, his thigh still flush against mine, burning my skin with his warmth. I was about to head up the stairs when suddenly I heard him behind me. I whirled around, finding him much closer than I'd imagined.

“What was that shit with Steve?” He hissed. I shrugged my shoulders, turning away. He grabbed my arm and pulled me to him, my hand flying to his chest. His eyes were burning on my face, searching and searching for an answer.

“You're jealous?” I blinked. I stood straight, letting my hand fall from his chest.

Bucky opened his mouth like he wanted to speak, I glared at him. Waiting for a response, anything.

He closed his mouth, blinking and sighing. I stepped back from him.

“You have no right to be jealous, when half the time it’s like i don’t even exist to you.” My voice was getting hoarse. I swallowed harshly, begging for him to say something. He just stood there, he wouldn't even look at me.

I backed away, shaking my head, my ponytail grazing against the back of my neck. I felt like I was in some shitty chick flick movie. I walked up the stairs, my feet dragging against the carpet as i opened the door to my bedroom.

I headed to the gym at 6, forcing myself to just not mope in bed all day. Getting my mind off Bucky and burning some steam was probably for the best anyways. I pushed open the doors, clad in black leggings and a tank top and headed for the track as a warm up. My music blasted in my ears, forcing myself to not even give me the opportunity to think.

I focused on weight training next, pushing my arms and legs to their full capabilities. My eyes caught sight of a very tired looking Bucky, like he hadn't slept in days but was forcing himself to be here anyways. Probably trying to drown out his mind, just like I am. I huffed, wiping the sweat off my face and picking up a dumbbell. As I grabbed it, it fell from my grip and landed with a large thud on my foot.

“Ow! Motherfu-” I cursed.

“Are you okay?” Buckys voice wavered next to me, his strides becoming quicker as he got closer. His sweaty hair was knotted at the top of his head, his sweatpants and grey tshirt covered in various rings of sweat. He'd probably been here for a few hours already.

“I'm fine.” I muttered, though my whole foot completely throbbed. I turned, trying to walk away.

“You're limping.” I heard Bucky smirk over my shoulder. I rolled my eyes, still walking away from him.

“I'll ice it then.” I snapped.

Finally I got some sleep. I woke up at 5:30, ready for another round of training. It was the last day to prepare, train and pack before we headed out at 6 AM sharp tomorrow. I sluggishly headed into the kitchen, grabbing some water before I headed to the training center. I knew Bucky would be there before I walked in, so was Nat, Steve and Clint. I ignored all of them. Deftones blared through my headphones as I headed over to the indoor track.

I pushed myself forward on the track, my steps lethargic at first but I needed to run. As I ran further I pushed everything else out of my head with every step, focusing on just me and this upcoming mission.

Finally it was time for boxing. I glanced through the glass doors, Bucky already in there. His grey shirt was soaked with sweat, his brown hair in his face. I didn't want to train with him. I noticed steve stretching, his damp black shirt clung to his arms, and headed over to him.

“Hey Captain Stretch.” I smirked. He looked up at me, smiling. “Do you mind training me today?” I asked nervously. His eyes flicked to the boxing room where Bucky’s eyes kept glancing over to us.

“Something happen?” He sighed. I sat next to him.

“No. I just made a decision for him, basically.” I muttered. I knew there was no point trying to cover up Bucky and I being more than acquainted.

“I know he's rough on the edges, and he can be complicated. But he's a great guy, he's just been through a lot.” He sighed. I groaned.

I shook my head, sweat falling down my face. “I'm not gonna be a second choice Steve.” I wiped my forehead off. He sighed, nodding.

“I'm sorry you feel like this.” He leaned over, putting his arm around me. He were both drenched in sweat and he still kissed the top of my head. I laughed, leaning away to look at him.

“I'm all sweaty.” I smiled, he scoffed.

“Like I care, You still smell good.” He grinned. I rolled my eyes, getting up and offering my hand.

He took it and stood. “You ready?” He asked as we walked toward the boxing center. Bucky tried not to eye us through the glass.

“Yeah.” I sighed. Steve stopped abruptly, turning to face me and grabbing my shoulders.

“Don't be. Use that rage.” He brought a hand to swat my face, I ducked back, my face twisted into bewilderment. “Get angry. Get angry, (y/n).”He swatted again, this time he made contact, my cheek stinging. I rolled my shoulders and neck, I could feel my vision starting to blacken around the edges. My shoulders were heaving as my breath became ragged. Steve moved to the door, opening it. “Lets go.” He ordered. I stepped in, ignoring Barnes. He must've started towards is because Steve held out a hand, motioning for him to stop.

Steve raised his hands, settling into a lower stance. My body almost felt like getting onto all fours and tackling at him. I shook off that urge. I didn't bother putting up my hands.

He lunged at me, I grabbed his arm and twisted him over, slamming him on his back. He shot up off his back and came for me, holding nothing back. I let him hit me the face, needing that push. My eyes found Bucky, his face twisted into an emotion I couldn't recognize before my vision went black.

“(Y/n)? (Y/n)!” I heard. I blinked, trying to clear my head. I closed my eyes and trying to even my heart rate. Finally voices poured in.

“Are you okay?” Someone was in my ear. My eyes flew open. It was Nat, of all people. I look around, Steve and Clint were standing above me, looking unsure of what to do.

“What the fuck is going on?” Then I felt it. My hands. They were so sore, aching and pulsing painfully. I looked down, they were swollen and bloody. I looked at Steve, his face was smeared and splattered with presumably my blood.

I looked around the room, Bucky was watching me from a distance. I smirked to myself. How funny would it be if I scared him?

“What happened?” I asked steve. He sighed, crouching in front of me. Clint stepped away, motioning for Natalia to follow. Bucky still watched, unmoving.

“We were sparring, and you must've caught Bucky out of the corner of your eye, because before I knew it you were walking over to him. I thought maybe you just wanted to talk, but you started swinging. At first he didn't even know what to do, he tried to grab you and stop you. But you got out of it, nearly had him in a choke hold.” Steve laughed softly. “Then he just used his arm to block you, give you something to hit.” He pointed to my gauged open knuckles. “Natasha grabbed you finally.” He sighed. He reached out and brushed the hair from my forehead. My eyes looked back at Bucky, who stood curiously watching me still. I closed my eyes, resting my head against the wall.

“How did you get so bloody?” I asked, my eyes still closed, borderline not wanting to hear the answer.

“When we finally pulled you off of him you turned and hit me in the face.”

“I'm sorry.” I muttered, opening my eyes. Steve nodded.

“It's okay, we can use that tomorrow. Just don't turn on us.” He grinned. I forced a weak smile on my face. He glanced back at Bucky. “You gonna talk to him?” I nodded. “Okay.” He purses his lips, patting my knee before heading out. Once he was gone, I looked up at Bucky. He was standing against the complete other side of the room. He started moving to me, once he got close enough I could see my blood all over the metal plate of his arm. I sighed.

Bucky sat next to me.

“I'm really sorry.” I mumbled. Tears threatened to pour over. “I feel horrible.”

“It's okay.” He replied, his voice even. “We're kinda even now.” I looked up, seeing half a smile on his lips. I laughed, smiling at him.

“At least we know we're a good match now.” I smiled. His face fell slightly. “I meant for sparring.” I shot my eyes down. “I could've killed you.” He snorted, breaking my thought. I looked up at him.

“Darlin’, I'm flattered, really.” He chuckled, “but there’s no way you'd kill me.” He laughed heartedly. I cocked an eyebrow.

“Oh yeah? Didn't Steve mention me putting you in a chokehold?” I teased.

“First of all,” he held a finger up, “almost, put me in a choke hold, secondly, did you not hear Steve say that I was holding back and just trying to stop you? I could've attacked you and fought.” He scoffed.

“Whatever.” I muttered. I stood, wiping off my leggings. He stood too. “You ready for this mission?”

“No, but you seem to be.” He grinned. I rolled my eyes, glad that he wasn't mad at me. I elbowed him playfully. “Glad to have you on our side.” He smiled, throwing his arm around me. I leaned into him. We pulled apart, as I headed to the showers where my duffle bag and much needed shower awaits.

“See you at breakfast.” I called.

Tags and requests are open!!

Tags: @bexboo616

#bucky #bucky barnes #sebastian stan #bucky x reader #bucky barnes x reader #winter soldier #marvel #marvel fanfiction #bucky fanfic #series #marvel series #bucky barnes series

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keepinghidden · 5 years

Text

Sept 4, 2019

This day has genuinely been one of the worst days Ive ever experienced in my life. Like I cannot fathom how horrible it’s been.

1. After having weird, symptom-less periods for all of summer, I was suddenly hit with an intensive PMS, cramping and pain filled period.

2. I woke up with period blood leaking but I decided to ignore it because I needed to get a fasting blood sugar test (among other blood tests) and figured that it would only take me 30 mins and I could shower afterwards.

3. I went to the blood testing facility, after parking far away due to the unavailability of closer parking spots, to find out that the facility moved locations.

4. I had to then walk down in the sun to my car and figure out the drive to the new location, thus ruining my face as direct sunlight is not recommended with the acids and medicine I use.

5. I parked far away from the new facility in a tighter parking spot, that caused me a lot of stress, thinking that there would also be no close parking spots avaliable.

6. When I walked to the facility’s new location, turns out that there was multiple parking spots close by.

7. The new facility had a 20 minute wait time by the time I registered.

8. When my time came up, the lady behind the counter couldn’t find the location of the medical clinic that ordered my blood tests. She was also confused over the fact that I had two forms.

9. After repeating the information multiple times, she decided to call the medical clinic that ordered my test to confirm its existence and address. This call itself took several minutes.

10. By the time my turn came up, over 40 minutes had passed since I first arrived to the facility.

11. It also turned out that one of my tests was not covered by my insurance, so I would have to pay for it. I opted to skip it with regret.

12. I was also asked to provide a urine sample but due to my period, I cannot do so. I will have to wait until my period finishes.

13. This means that by the time I meet with my specialists, she will have incomplete information, thus rendering the appointment useless.

14. Due to these delays, my sister unfortunately had to get a ride with my dad to the bus station.

15. I had specifically chosen to do my blood test at 10:30 pm because I wanted to be back home on time for my sister to go to school. Which I was unable to do because of the multiple delays.

16. Because of the hectic morning I had with the additional news of the expensive blood tests and probable useless doctor’s appointment, combined with my raging hormones, I had a mini breakdown on the ride home.

17. By the time I got home, it was 11:50. I had to leave for the bus station at 12:50 to make my 2pm class. Until then, I had to shower, pack my bag, and eat lunch/breakfast.

18. I knew the shower would be a longer one due to my period’s appearance so I chose to do that first and then deal with everything else.

19. I quickly got ready for the shower, after dealing with the shower caddy falling multiple times with me trying to fix it multiple times and eventually giving up. However, the shower did not turn on.

20. Confused I was about to go to my mom when she told me that the water for the entire house was turned off. By this time, it was 12:05. And I was still sitting in my leaked period blood stained underwear and pad.

21. This information and new wrench in my plans was the last straw and I had a full on breakdown in my room for almost an hour.

22. Given the state I was in, I concluded that I would not be able to make it to school for my first class. So I had to skip my first every law school class.

23. When I got to school, I immediately felt ugly in the way I looked and felt. In the second class I managed to make, I could barely stay awake.

24. Due to the breakdown crying, I think my eyes dried up and staring at the computer screen in lecture started to hurt, making my eyeballs feel like they were burning.

25. Additionally, I felt exceptionally stupid in the class as I couldn’t concentrate and everyone else had such great contributions.

26. When that class ended, the only silver lining to the day: I met my friends and had lunch/dinner with them.

27. My next class started at 6 and my laptop was beginning to lose battery. I wasn’t that concerned, despite the fact that my charger didn’t work sometimes at home. It always seemed to work well enough at school.

28. During class, I plugged in my charger and it didn’t work. I sat terrified that I would lose battery.

29. Finally we got a break and the charger started working. The class materials finished early too. But instead of letting out out early, the teacher kept us in for another hour.

30. Although we technically did end early, it was still quite dark by the time I got home. The bus ride was also exceptionally unenjoyable because I had a raging headache.

31. I think the stress of crying, along with general dehydration and the weight of my heavy backpack contributed to an insane headache.

32. I had some ibuprofen when I got home along with some dinner.

33. I was having a nice post-dinner conversation with my brother about his first days of university when my sister entered. She immediately brought up the breakdown I had earlier int he day.

34. Apparently, my mom told my sister all about it, describing it as a panic attack.

35. Triggered and especially vulnerable due to my current hormones, I couldn’t control myself and started crying and left. I proceede to have another mini breakdown in my room.

36. I managed to get a hold of myself and planned to watch one of my favourite shows with my sister and eat ice cream. My sister agreed to watch the show.

37. I went to the kitchen to set up the show and my dad commented that I should watch my shows alone and leave my sister to study, thereby implying that I was fostering bad habits and ruining her chances.

38. I proceeded to leave the kitchen and went back to the my room, where I am currently in the midst of another mini breakdown.

39. The worst part is that I’m not even this sensitive usually. It’s the stupid period making me so emotional. I can’t stop crying even if I want to.

40. And it sucks. It really, really sucks, I hate it and everything. I want this torture to be over and to die.

0 notes

demi-angel-novel · 7 years

Text

Prolouge

In a forest on a full moon night a woman is trying to escape a creature cloaked in darkness, with its only visible features being it’s menacing reptilian eyes. The area around them shakes from the pounding thunder sounding overhead. The woman appears to be in her late 20’s maybe early 30’s,

she has a brown skin tone with disheveled wavy black hair that reaches the middle of her back. In her hands she holds a bundle of white and gold cloth, housing a baby boy. She continues to run with her body crying out in pain from the intense exertion, but to protect her little angel, she would soldier on no matter what happens. The chase continues with the creature narrowly missing her with its jagged claws, inevitably, the monster closed the gap and spears through her with its claws, but barely hitting the child, and causing her to collapse with a searing pain ripping through her. The creature, obviously pleased with its work, grew a thin grotesque smile as it stalks its beaten prey slowly, only to increase their suffering, the once white cloth was now stained red with the woman’s blood.

The child begins crying as if sensing the coming death of him and his mother. The creature finally went to finish off them both but a bright light envelops the area and incinerates the creature.

“Begone demon”. A masculine voice says.

“You damn angel, grr know this when this child reaches his 15th year I shall return!”

The only sound left was the pelting rain. The light subsided revealing a man in a white and gold robe with giant white wings. Shakingly,the woman says R…Ramiel “Elizabeth, I’m so sorry,” his voice was deep and rich that seemed to bring hope to any who’d hear it l. With the angel speaking the child calmed himself.

“I should have been here for you and our son.”

“Don’t be, “cough”, please take our son and take him somewhere safe … were he can grow up, please hand me Thomas so I can speak my final words to him.“ He nodded and scooped up Thomas and handed him over to her.

"T-Thomas I want you to grow to be a good man and know that me, your father, and the Lord shall always be with you.”

She kissed his forehead “goodbye my son”, she whispered as Ramiel grabbed Thomas again.

“Goodbye my Elizabeth”, with saying his last respects he flew off.

“Ti Amo tanto.” ( I love you both ) she whispers as she waits for death to take her. But it never comes as an unknown figure drags her away. The child in this story is the child of an angel and a human his name is Thomas Di Angelo and he is a Demi-Angel. Ramiel leaves him at the door of an orphanage, “I am sorry my son I cannot raise you. I hope you will find happiness here.” He knocked on the door and disappears. “Goodbye my son” echoes behind him as a woman with greying black hair and a pair of glasses that rest on her hooked nose walks out and sees the child “a baby?"sigh."come let’s get you cleaned and warmed up”.

8~years later. Thomas has grown to be 8 years old he now has brown skin with messy black and grey hair with storm grey eyes and a faded raggedy oversized grey shirt and old black pants with a patch on his right knee, and right now he is getting chewed out by the same caretaker from earlier.

“I can’t believe this we take you in out of the kindness of our hearts and this is how you repay us with this foolishness! Do you have any excuses, hm,

“like I told you he made fun of my parents and stole my book,

“and that’s it!” “But he attacked first.“

"Still it doesn’t mean you fight and your parents they were deadbeats who left a baby on a doorstep. They were probably addicts or murderers,”

“no, no you're wrong,” I muttered

“what was that?” She asked with her voice becoming deadly quiet. I said your wrong. My parents’-

“ your parents didn’t love you, they left a baby alone on a doorstep and this book I don’t know why you try your gonna become nothing and accomplish nothing bad if I ever see you do this kind of foolishness again there will be severe punishments. Now do I make myself clear?!” I grew a smile

“sure you old hag.” Her face immediately showed pure rage.

“I see so that’s how it is well, time for a punishment”

she grabbed my wrist and tore off my shirt and grabbed a whip and struck my back agh “are you crazy?!” She struck my back again my cries echoed across the whole orphanage with each strike I looked in her eyes and I swear I saw a flash of red reptile eyes. After 3 minutes of being whipped, she said

“now think about what you’ve done and I expect no further disturbances.”

She says as she exits. I feel warm liquid on my back as it screams out in pain with a metallic scent filling the air. I felt a liquid roll down my cheek,

"I’ll promise you this old hag I’ll prove you wrong no matter what. Just you wait.”

2 years later~ “ so you guys ready?” He said to the two people beside him one of them being a girl and the other a boy. “Alright let’s go Thomas runs to the bell labeled EMERGENCY ONLY!!! The others are prepared with a sack and a bucket, with a strange liquid spread on the floor in front of the door John Indica

"you both ready?” They both gave him a thumbs up signal. Ok, he mouths as he rings the bell “HURRY HURRY FIRE FIRE!!!”

The caretakers burst out the door and rush down the hall slipping and sliding John acts first and splatters them in glue. After this, India throws the sack as a mass of feather exit out and cover them as they finally crash into a wall in front of the rest of the kids who immediately laugh them, the three kids meet up. “Good job ! You guys,”

“ heh, we should thank you, Thomas.” John says.“

"Yeah your the one who came up with it”. Indica said.

“ true but it was a team effort now let’s see how’re the chickens!”

the head caretaker was so furious she could make a red chili pepper be jealous by how red her face was. Through a strained voice, she says,

” who did, this? Someone fess up now or you will receive punishment.“

Every child’s face paled,

” Thomas, what do we do? I don’t want to be punished. “ John said shakingly,mhm Indica agreed.

"Go I’ll handle it.”

“But Thomas, you’ve been whipped more than any of us!”

I winced.

“We can’t let you do it alone.”

"Listen you two, I’ll be fine Just go, I promise.”

“We’ll be praying for you,”Indica said,

“heh thanks”.

"Well speak!”

the caretaker said still fuming

"wow, I didn’t know chickens could talk,”

“YOU!” She cried. “ did you do this, hm? You heard me! "Oh, I’m sorry I don’t speak chicken.”

“Di Angelo!”

“Anyone hear what it’s squawking about cause all I hear is bawk bacawk bawk!”

I say as I imitate a chicken though that’s probably an insult to chickens everywhere for me to compare her to them.

“You..oh I’ll give you one hell of a punishment.” I gave a cocky smirk.

“Bring it on chicken witch.” She whipped me until night. I walked up to my bed and sat down. “Thomas your back” John said.

“Yep. What happened? Did it hurt? ” no it was a tickle fight what do you think I thought

“nope” that’s a straight lie, my back feels like the devil just burned my back with the flames of hell. John still looked worried. “Listen I’m fine. Go to sleep John, alright?”

“Night Thomas”. The next day~.

“Hey Thomas John said”

“hey I said without looking up from my book

"how come I always see you reading during free time?”

One I love reading. And two it’s tied to a promise. What’s the promise? "It’s involved in a promise I made a few years ago about how I would become something of myself and prove that witch wrong about me. That I would rise up and become something great.”

“Heh, when you do , promise you won’t forget about us.” Heh I laughed, I promise, and I’ll tell you this, I never break my promises.“

"Can I get back to my book now?”

“Sure”

5 years later~ I had a dream right before my 15th birthday. I was in a clear grassy field with a storm raging overhead. Out of the storm cloud an eagle and a hawk flew towards me, and flew in circles around me like they were chasing each other. Between them was a string of electricity. Suddenly, the field caught ablaze and through the flames I saw a figure rise with a dark laughter that sent shivers through my whole body. I felt my head a distant memory, I hid, along time ago. The flames dashed towards me, and I woke up in cold sweat and I felt uneasy like something is about to change greatly.

I’m now 15 my hair has grown longer my hair became wavy but just As disheveled as always I think I’m about 5,10 my grey eyes now have hints of blue in them. Now I wear a baggy black shirt with baggy blue jeans and a pair of hand me down sneakers.

“John,wake up” I shook him.

“Hm, huh? What?”

“Get up, Indica you too. She grumbled and threw a pillow in my face.”

“ what, Thomas?” She said groggily.

“Today’s the day for a fifth level. They both instantly woke.

"What!” They yelled in unison.

“Shhhh.” I said as I held my ears “I’ll tell you the details now”.

“Thomas are you sure about this John warned” John is also 15 he has brown hair that’s combed to the side, with pale skin and green eyes with 4 freckles on his cheeks he’s wearing a button-up shirt with brown suspenders with brown pants.

“Yes, i am. No need to worry,”

“he’s right Tom,” Indica said. She now has long blonde hair with blue eyes with fair skin and a blue shirt with a black skirt.

“This could really get you kicked out this time.” “I know, trust me, okay?” “We trust you”

“good now let’s get to work”. I held up my fingers, “ready?” They nodded. “3…2…1… go!”

They rang the bell the caretaker ran out but I set a trip wire this sent her down the stairs in the path of a clown costume then on the next flight make up and a wig on the last flight was a hat and a red rubber nose but that’s not the end. After that, there’s a stopping device that launches her to a mini tricycle that crashes her into a wall, then after that as she tries to lift herself up I t releases paint that paints the whole place in poka dots, and finally she turns around to see everyone with a cream pie.

“Fire!” I call out and so they relentlessly threw hordes of pies at her. And to deliver the final insult I walk towards her and personally push a pie in her face with happy birthday on it. As the pie falls off her face.

“This is my best work, thank you being my willing volunteer. ”

“you,” she grabbed me by the collar, so you like jokes do you? Then be a jester away from me.“

She drags me to the door and literally throws me out of the orphanage I fall on my butt, ow, for an old hag she sure can kick I hear the door slam shut. Oh crap, i thought.

"Hey old hag can’t you take a joke? I at least gave you breakfast, that had to count for something! Come on let me back in!"She stuck her head out her face was obviously furious her now fully gray hair was covered in a rainbow Afro the many wrinkles on her face were covered in clown makeup with a big bright red smile but her face was scowling. Her hooked nose now had a red rubber nose on it.

"After this? No way in hell”.

“Oh before you close the door can I tell you something?”

“WHAT!” I grabbed her nose and squeezed it.

“Honk! Honk!“

She instantly slammed it in my face and I heard a click after it. Heh, I might have went overboard. Well. I dusted myself off I might as well visit the baker. I think they’ll let me stay a little. I said to my self as I started walking. Unbeknownst to the boy there are two people watching him a girl on the roof and a demon in the shadows Chapter 1 FIRE! FIRE! (Yes I’m serious this time)

#demi angels #novel #prologue #Thomas Di Angelo #orphan #orphanage #angels #demon #fantasy

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So I’ve been meaning to work on my Project (still don’t know what to call it and the working names I come up with are awful) It needs outlines and worldbuilding, I need to establish who Avaleara was so I can show exactly how she changed- All that stuff. AND YET all I wanna do right now is imagine time travel shenanigans that land Pre-torture Avaleara and Pre-Avaleara D together in the future where they have been married for like 3000 years. I love the whole idea of “Her? Really?” “Him? Really?” mutual What the Actual Fuck??? going on.

Rambly run on scenario under the cut-

Like I usually give left hand his own body so he can snark and sass without D shutting him up as easily (fucker knows to make the best comments when he’s out of D’s reach. Doesn’t always dodge the stakes but he can still talk) And plop Avaleara with her siblings (+takashi but really she thinks of him as a brother) So they are all just like soooo confused. Meanwhile i usually give Future Takashi chaperoning duty. Set it up so that “Oh Future D and Avaleara are out of town you’ll have to wait till they get back.”(Avaleara needed to stay in the capitol because suspicious activity, but rode out to an outpost for a few days to gather Intel. D is on another planet in the system attending a conference that Avaleara should have but couldn’t because of aforementioned suspicious activity. Teamwork and Telepathy bitch) This gives the past characters a few days to get to know each other (And get Really Really Confused about how the hell Avaleara and D are spouses)

Future Takashi explains very little because most of it’s painful for him and all of it really needs to be seen to be believed anyway. Also they decide that they’ll wait a few days after they get back to tell Future D and Avaleara just who Takashi is escorting around because that way they will act natural and maybe the relationship will make sense. (Past D thinks Future D will call Takashi out for hiding something in .5 seconds. He’ll be floored when Future D accepts “I’ll tell you in a few days but for now go with it.” with the absolute unshakable certainty that Takashi would tell him if it was life threatening.)

Anyway so you get Past Avaleara who is like What the Fuck happened to my current boyfriend? Did he die? Amicable break up? Disastrous break up? What the fuck Future Takashi why aren’t you saying anything??? And no offense dude (But also kinda offense cuz you’re kinda an ass) but Who the Hell is this random antisocial jerk from another planet? The Ass can barely be fucked to say more than a sentence at a time, seems bored as hell despite being on another fucking planet, and barely even looks at me? Like you want me to believe this jackass is my husband in the future???? Like aside from the fact I can’t even stand his (lack of) Personality, I’m second in line for the fucking throne,my whole life is built around duty to my people, and while I am free to choose for the most part, any partner I take must be as devoted to my people as I am, has to love them as much as I do. They need to be an example to look up to, someone they can trust and respect. Not some taciturn and intimidating ass who can’t even appreciate the beauty of our world, let alone her people!

Meanwhile D is mostly indifferent. Like nothing is trying to kill him so he ain't gonna kill his way out and apparently all he’s gotta do is wait until they do the math to get him back to his time/planet. (and hand wavy bs to explain why he believes this is actually happening and not some fucked up psychological attack). Also Clearly this Future Takashi is smoking something there is no way this chick is his wife. Lefty is cracking up at the mere suggestion this clueless idiot is gonna be D’s wife. She's so soft and fragile, from a world where violence hasn’t really been a thing in generations. She’s all innocence and idealism. She tripped and cut her lip and whined about blood in her mouth for an hour for christ’s sake. The only hint of fire was when she got fed up with D’s dismissive attitude and bawled him out, but even then she frigging apologized even though D had been the dick. But noooo she just went on about how it wasn’t Diplomatic of her to lose her temper and that it was only expected that since D was from a culture that valued different things he would dismiss her people as too soft, and while he was wrong she wasn’t going to foster understanding with anger. This chick wouldn’t last 30 seconds on the frontier, let alone be the kind of woman who could be married to a hunter. And that wasn’t even taking into consideration just who D is. If D tried to settle down with this kid Dracula would eat her alive before he allowed his one success to get with a weakling from a pacifist culture and risk pathetic offspring.

So basically Avaleara gets more irritated as the days go by, D remains indifferent, Avaleara’s family is getting really pissed at D because he’s ignoring Avaleara and they are really starting to doubt the likelihood of a happy marriage and Future Takashi is doing all the facepalming and starting to think maybe he should just fucking tell them what happened to Avaleara. Except- how the hell does he break it to them that Avaleara was tortured until she was broken, mind body and soul and the Avaleara that Future D met is an Avaleara that rebuilt her whole identity after horrific trauma and therefore understands him on a level Past Avaleara could never come close to. Oh by the way, the person that tortured Avaleara was in fact Xahros, the man Past Avaleara is completely in love with and who she’s decided must have died because what else would have happened to break them up. (Future Takashi is heartbroken thinking Past Avaleara had this much trust in the bastard but doesn’t realize she settled on that option mostly because Why Else would Future Takashi be so reluctant to talk about it and get such a pained look on his face when she asked. )

Not to mention seeing Past Avaleara is kinda messing up Future Takashi’s head cuz in order to not completely fuck up the universe and kill everyone, all past people MUST forget this ever happened. But that means he has to let Avaleara be tortured, something he would have done Anything to prevent. But anything can not include risking all life in the universe. So future takashi is kinda slowly having a breakdown and trying not to burst into tears every time Avaleara says or does something sweet which is All the Fucking Time. Like seriously Future Avaleara can do gentle and kind, but it takes Effort and underneath is a current of rage and paranoia, ready at any moment to go from calm to murder faster than you can blink. Seeing the difference is tearing Future Takashi apart because after like 5000 years he’d kinda forgotten Just how sweet she used to be and its breaking him all over again. But its also breaking him that everyone is getting pissed at Past D when Future Takashi knows where he’s coming from and he gets it. No, Past Avaleara isn’t the kind of person who D would take as a wife, and D is so fucked up from his whole shitshow life that he’s not really a stop and smell the flowers kinda guy. I mean most of the flowers on his earth try to kill you. It took Future D decades to really appreciate this world and stop expecting it to try and kill him. It took longer to let himself love it and her people. It ends up this weird dynamic in which Future Takashi wants to defend D but doesn’t know how to do so without insulting him so is awkward as fuck but Past Takashi wants to deck D cuz he made past Avaleara Cry (no matter that it was mostly because she’s frustrated with the situation and confused/heartbroken over Xarhos)

So then F-Avaleara gets home first. And sees this tense quagmire that Future Takashi is in the middle of. Except her and D have been separated which means that Avaleara isn’t in the greatest shape. Avaleara’s lingering ptsd means that she has a hell of a time with nightmares. When D is there he can either ease her out of one into a better dream or help her when she wakes up, grounding her and reminding her its just memories. She tries to sleep without him when they are separated but it usually doesn’t work. At this particular point in time, she remembers the last time she tried to sleep when D was away and woke up choking on a piece of her tounge she bit off durring her nightmare. It left her a little fucking spooked so she’s running on no sleep and shitty eating habits cuz she’s distracted. All of that means she sees that Future Takashi is falling apart, recognizes it, but decides that D is due home in two days, they’ll team up and make him sleep then pry the fucking problem out of him together if they have to sit on the stuborn bastard. After all he’d do it for them and turnabout is fair play. Meanwhile she’ll hover around him when usually she’d be avoiding people because she’s too close to that edge.

For a few hours Future Avaleara seems a lot like Past Avaleara. Sure she’s calmer, but hey she’s 6000 years old, she ain’t gonna act like a hyperactive 750 year old. Plus she’s obviously tired. I mean the scar on her face is a little odd since Revanants don’t scar easily but she is a princess, so probably just survived an assasination attempt like her mom? I mean why else would she have a scar, they can only be made deliberately with poison which alters dna making it impossible to heal completely… (Ah the past people are so so innocent)

But she’s calm and kind. Somehow the fight Past Avaleara and D had about how her people were soft is brought up. Future Avaleara explains the war a billion years ago that left half a planet barren, a decision to hold all life sacred, and the responsibility to protect peace so that no one has to fight for their right to live. While it still seems like idealistic nonsense to someone who lives in a world of kill or be killed, there is something about the way This Avaleara says it. Something burning in her words no matter how soft and calmly she says them. (Its the steal core of someone who has fought and bled to keep this peace, who refuses to let it be idealistic nonsense.) D knows his world is hell, its unkind and unjust. His own father is a large part of the reason its so barbaric which is why he is determined to kill him. The years have narrowed his focus to killing Dracula but there was a time before he’d seen too much that he thought maybe the world could be something more, maybe there was a chance if he removed the biggest obstacle. He’d long since buried that thought as he saw humans and vampires alike slaughter each other and their own for petty reasons. But here was a culture founded after cataclysm that brought together different people from different worlds and chose to forge peace. Its a dream he once had but killed to survive. He has to be hard to survive. But these people dont and it’s not a bad thing if its real. D’s still a little dubious about the idea that there are powerful people who actually want to protect and not exploit the less powerful. He’s confused but ultimately not interested since he’s still not fully believing this is going to be his future (Cant believe he has a future that doesn’t revolve around death).

Anyway I’ll post a part 2 in a few days but this is getting long and I have some other work to finish up.

#hmmm #might call this #blood and ash #saw oc centric as a description on smthn and thought it fit #idk #we'll see

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