#i woke up at 5! and weirdly that is the only thing i loved about working 2 jobs

[kitkatstu-dies]

4/19/24

It's finals time! I'm exempt from most finals because I have an A, so I only have to take my lab finals, one more biology and anatomy exam, and my chemistry final! I have one class today, and after I'll start working on gathering everything together for these exams <3

[7000]

TW discussion of death, other sensitive topics

I woke up feeling like a trash compactor, just wasted (not in the fun way) and I wish I had the strength to pick myself up and do something about it but I do not want to. I’m exhausted and will probably be revitalized sometime at night, as usual, and get everything I need to done but I can’t help but feel like in this moment I’m just supposed to be grasping at something integral to myself. Like a moment of stillness and connection where my inner voice comes through. And not that I’ve been disconnected because I haven’t but actually, I am realizing now as I’m writing this that I do have a lot to reflect on that I didn’t realize I was putting off. Where this year started, where it’s taken me, all the suffering and newfound freedom, I really feel like this year has been one continuous tower moment. Some parts just bad and senseless, but others extremely necessary- because there is no way I would have realigned with myself the way I have, to the degree that I am now, had I not gone through it. I really mean it when I say I would not have survived another year like that, I couldn’t have, I would have killed myself before I reached my ridiculous goal, and it turns out I didn’t have to.

It was so much easier to set sail than I expected and I am grateful that I didn’t fight it like my ego wanted to. Yet at the same time I recognize that the desire for death is something that still lies within me, always has and always will, like this inner knowing that peace will come when it wants to and only then I can rest. I wanted to die since I was too young to remember and I know this both with a personal certainty and because of that time I dug up old medical documents from when I was 5 (shit you not) where my parents were telling my therapist about how I wanted to leave this earth and die. When you’re that young and want something that bad, how do you untangle that from your fundamental sense of self? Those years are formative to everything you are, so no, I don’t personally believe I’ll ever find that zest and love of life that seems so natural to nearly everyone.

At the same time I recognize now that when it gets bad for me it’s only because when the momentary pain feels insurmountable, I’m scared that it will only get worse. So the logical conclusion to me is to end it before it does. And I just don’t feel like that’s true anymore. I think who I am has been strengthened not in spite of, but because of all my experiences. I weirdly get more self assured every time something awful happens and I’m able to sit with it. And the point of this life, at least to me, is to have those experiences. To observe them and feel them, but also integrate what they mean to me with a detached perspective. Detached in the sense of separating them from any fear of an outcome, or any faulty beliefs, and taking things as they are in the moment, recognizing what it means, and nothing more. And I am also realizing too, recently, that my desire for death isn’t entirely what it’s always seemed to be. It’s never stemming from self hatred at its core but an erroneous way of sparing myself from how disconnected and meaningless everything feels. Like that essay mentioned, you can call it a longing for continuity, and because sex is broken for me, the closest I felt like I could get in the past was only I was nearest to dying- or even at that edge of starvation where your body starts disconnecting and you feel like you’re floating. It brought me to a state where I could kiss the borders of everything that is, everything that exists in perpetuity, and I craved it, and felt so bitter that the nature of this material world kept me from feeling it, all of it.

I recognize that’s not entirely true now. Yes, self destruction can take me to that state, but it was never the only means. There’s so many other ways to step away from your discontinuous self, even for a moment, and experience that state of ecstasy in unbecoming. Ways that won’t end me, will allow me to continue to experience what I need to, but bring me that reprieve that will carry me through the worst of it, as I need to. Because I’m here now, and there’s no point in not being here. Death will come when it so desires, any sooner is impatience. At some point I made the decision to exist and it’s only right to see it through. There’s beautiful things to this life, and while to me, none more satisfying than death, they’re still here. I AM capable of enjoying them. And I have to be present in order to be there when they come.

[c0smic-dawn]

FLY HIGH | Chapter 5: Best of the best

Hogwarts. It was a place many of the students could call their second home; Their home away from home even. (Y/n) wasn’t an exception to this, hell, she could even call it her only home. It was the place where she found people that made her feel safe and excited to face a new day. It was the place where she learned how to put her magic to work. It was the place that she found her undeniable talent for Quidditch.

She’ll never forget the feeling of flying for the first time. Not only because Soonyoung nearly knocked her off her broom, but because it was the first time she felt so free. Gliding through the air and feeling the breeze hit her face.

When she learned about Quidditch it didn’t interest her much. She was far more interested in messing with Seungkwan and Chan when she could. It wasn’t until Mingyu begged her to help him to practice for try outs that she felt an intrigue to the sport. It also just so happened that the captain stumbled upon their little practice match and instantly scouted the two. (Eventually Hoshi tried out due to fomo and made it as well.)

(Y/n) never expected Quidditch to become such a big part of her life, but fate works in funny ways. She’ll never forget running up to her parents and telling them that she made the team and won almost every game that first season. It was the one time she’d seen them take genuine interest outside of work and in her instead. Though, it didn’t last long. While they were happy to flaunt they had a prodigy keeper as a daughter, that’s all they ever did. It was back to the same old routine of going home to an empty house at the end of every school year despite their “love” for their daughter’s new found talent.

That’s why the girl soon chose to focus on her own life. Her friends that had become her family and the sport that she felt was the only thing she could do without worry.

So when the news of potentially not being able to play for the season was broken to her, she panicked. This was one of the things she held dear to herself. The thing that made her feel like everything was right in the world. She needed to do something and do it fast.

Studying by herself obviously wasn’t the answer. Mingyu definitely wouldn’t help. Don’t even think about Soonyoung. Vernon? Already denied and she knew the others would follow in suit.

That’s why when Hoshi pitched to her the idea of asking one of Vernon’s housemates, she was over the moon.

It was genius.

The sound of quick footsteps echoed in the somewhat empty hallway leading to the grand hall. Everyone was happily chatting with their friends and sitting at each other’s house tables enjoying the peaceful morning.

The sound of someone fast approaching was quick to catch the attention of a certain friend group (who were happily chatting beforehand).

“(Y/n)? What took you so long?”

The rest of the boys look up to see an extremely excited looking (Y/n) approaching after Jun acknowledged her fast impending figure.

Chan’s eyebrows instantly furrowed when seeing the ecstatic look on the Gryffindor’s face, “for someone who woke up late you look weirdly happy…”

(Y/n) swiftly plopped down in between Soonyoung and Mingyu; That also happened to be conveniently across from Hansol.

“What? A girl can’t be excited to see her friends on such a fine morning such as this one?”

The table’s eyes instantly narrowed in slight suspicion (minus Mingyu who was too busy staring at the girl with stars in his eyes).

Seungkwan instantly spoke up, “Okay. What’s the deal? You are never this happy in the morning.” The Hufflepuff cut to the chase making the girl huff and cross her arms,

“Not true.”

“Yesterday morning you kicked Jun’s shin for asking for a bite of your toast.”

“One, I already apologized for that. Two, we all know how I am with food.” (Y/n) pointed out. Seungkwan simply just rolled his eyes as Jun rubbed his shin under the table at the memory of the previous morning.

Soonyoung then spoke up, “is this about the idea I pitched to you last night?” He asked while munching on some cereal.

“Oh god. That can’t be good,” Chan muttered under his breath causing Jun to elbow him slightly as a way of saying ‘Don’t be rude’. Both their attention turning back to the gryffindor trio sitting opposite of them. Mingyu’s eyebrow furrowing in slight confusion at the mention of a plan he wasn’t a part of.

“What idea?” He questioned.

The (e/c) eyed keeper instantly had a grin crawl across her face as she pointed her line of sight at Vernon. The boy quickly looked around in a slight panic once in the sights of the girl. (Y/n)’s grin grew at the reaction.

“Oh, just an idea on how to help me study.” She chirped.

Vernon instantly untensed at the line and let out a small sigh, “I already told you, (Y/n). I’m not going to tutor you. I’m doing this because It’s better for you-”

“Not you.” (Y/n) quickly cut him off.

“to focus- wait what?” The Ravenclaw responded dumbfounded by her response. His face instantly morphing into one of confusion. The rest of the table (minus Hoshi) following soon after.

Jun looked over at Hoshi and then back at (Y/n), “(Y/n), you know I love you but please don’t tell me that Hoshi is going to tutor you.” He said with a hint of worry in his voice making the Gryffindor shake her head violently in reply,

“Oh no no no. I wouldn’t trust him with teaching me anything.”

“Hey-” Soonyoung’s face turned into one of slight offense, but seeing as no one seemed to argue her point, he simply huffed and went back to eating his breakfast.

“Okay, then what is the plan?” Mingyu probed curiously. (Y/n) turned her head to face Mingyu and shot him a bright smile that caused the tall male to grow a bit red in the face.

“Why thank you for asking, Gyu!” She hummed out happily.

“Hansol,” her attention once again diverted to the ever more growing concerned Ravenclaw. “Ravenclaw. They tend to be smart.”

“I said this once, I’ll say it again. Ravenclaw doesn’t equal smart,”

“Yeah yeah, not the point. Since you are in a house FULL of nerds, I don’t mean that offensively, I was thinking that maybe perhaps you could talk someone into helping me out here.” She completed.

The table went silent.

“…So you want me to ask one of my housemates to tutor you?"

"Correct."

A sigh tumbled out of Hansol as Seungkwan and Chan struggled to hold in some giggles, "Fine, I'll ask Wendy if she would be willing to help out-"

The Ravenclaw was cut off once more by (Y/n).

"Oh no, not her." She says but then quickly corrects herself, "Not that I don't love Wendy! She is literally the sweetest, but when I said I want someone in your house to tutor me, I meant maybe um...like the best of the best."

Jun furrowed his eyebrows and thought for a moment, "The best of the best? What do you mean?" His voice was laced with a bit of worry as he waited for her response. The rest of the table also on high alert for her answer. (Minus Soonyoung, who was still happily stuffing his face with breakfast.)

The girl felt a shy smile crawl across her face. One that, without context, make anyone smile in return.

"Well...I was thinking maybe someone like, oh I don't know, that one Ravenclaw dude that is always in the library with the dude with the deep voice and glasses."

Seungkwan and Dino finally bursted out into a roar of laughter as soon as the words left her. Hansol and Jun's jaws dropped instantly at the mention of Hansol's housemate. It took Mingyu a minute to process what she said and break out of his daydream-y state, but once they processed he joined Jun and Vernon in having his mouth hang open.

"YOU WANT ME TO GET LEE JIHOON TO TUTOR YOU?!"

Everyone at the surrounding tables immediately looked over due to the out burst that came from the usually quiet tranquil Ravenclaw. (Y/n) was sure that this was loudest she'd ever heard Vernon speak. It even took Hoshi off guard.

"Um...yeah?" The Keeper said meekly as she wasn't expecting that reaction from her friend. "Also what's so funny?" She huffed as she looked over at the Hufflepuff and Slytherin duo that were clutching their stomachs.

Mingyu was still looking at (Y/n) bewildered and Soonyoung looked around in confusion as well, "What's the big deal?"

Dino finally caught enough breath to speak,

"The deal is that it's Lee Jihoon. He quite literally talks to NO ONE out of his friend group. Let alone help anyone he doesn't know." He explains while catching his breath still.

Hansol snapped out of his shock and nodded, "I don't even interact with him out of class, so what makes you think he would do a favor for someone who isn't even his friend." He pointed out. (Y/n) pursed her lips as he commented.

"Well, aren't you friends with that one Minghao dude? He's friends with him, right? Just ask him to ask for him as a favor from a friend." She shrugged, making Hoshi nod in agreement. Mingyu looked and hesitated for a moment before speaking up,

"I'm sorry to say this guys, but I really don't know about this. He is known for being kind of mean and I don't want to see (Y/n) get upset over it." He muttered looking at the girl next to him.

(Y/n) simply ignored the comment and sighed, "You know what? If you aren't going to help out with this then I'll take it into my own hands." She puffed out her chest and stood up from her seat.

"(Y/n) , wait, I really don't think you should do this." Jun piped up before the Gryffindor girl walked away.

(Y/n) looked over at Jun and sent him a reassuring smile, "Don't worry, Junnie. I'm sure it's fine. He can't be that bad."

and with that, She hurried off to the library in search of the Ravenclaw.

It was a peaceful morning for Jihoon. He woke up feeling surprisingly good this morning. Probably because he didn't have any interruptions (Jeonghan, Joshua, and DK) this morning on his way to the library. Wonwoo didn't join him this morning due to him having a meeting with one of the professor's, but he honestly didn't mind that much. It was nice to have some alone time.

The library was usually where he would find himself in the morning. He liked it. It was quiet and it gave him time to work on personal projects before his classes started.

He found himself sitting at a table fiddling with a pencil as he listened to music quietly like usual when suddenly the doors of the library flung open. However; he just ignored it and chalked it up to being a student in a hurry to find a book before their class started.

(Y/n), on the other hand, was scanning the whole library in search of him. Her legs quickly carrying her around the large room while peaking around every corner and bookshelf until she spotted the student she was looking for.

A large smile grew on her face once she saw the peacefully working student.

Time to strike.

"Hello!" The optimistic (and slightly loud) voice caused Jihoon to jump. His attention taken away from his notebook at the sudden interruption.

The black haired Ravenclaw looked around just to check that she was in fact speaking to him.

She was.

"Um...Hi?" Jihoon muttered out in slight confusion.

The (H/c) grinned and took a seat next to him. "What are you working on?" She chirped out while glancing over at his book that he quickly shut.

The boy stared at her, not enjoying her nosiness.

"Can I help you with something?" His tone was snappy but that didn't sway the Gryffindor next to him. If anything, it made her grow more excited. Her (e/c) eyes lighting up slightly.

"Actually, you can! I'm (L/n) (Y/n), Nice to meet you!" (Y/n) held her hand out for the aloof boy to shake.

Once she introduced herself, He knew his nice morning was ruined. How could he not know her? She was the talk of the Gryffindor house and a good chunk of the school. The star keeper of quidditch. The girl that seemed to be friends with almost everyone. The girl that also nearly made him go deaf the other day.

When she realized that the male wasn't going to shake her hand, she awkwardly put it down and cleared her throat,

"Introductions don't really matter anyway, I already know you. I mean, Who doesn't, right?" She laughed off then got to business,

"You may have heard the other day that I'm having some complications with quidditch this year-"

"The day you nearly bursted my eardrums?"

Okay, that wasn't the response she was expecting but at least he is aware of the situation at hand.

"Um, Yeah. I'm sorry about that by the way. Anyways, like I said, I'm having some issues with quidditch this year. It seems I may have gotten myself in some trouble with my grades and, let's just say, I maybe probably won't be able to play this year if I don't bring those grades up." She details as Jihoon stared at her blankly.

It was quiet for a moment before he spoke up, "And what am I supposed to do?"

He didn't like where this conversation was going.

(Y/n) took a breath in before answering, "Well, you see, I asked my friends for some help but um...they refused-"

"Some friends you have"

"....anyways, It got me thinking, 'who is someone super smart and I could learn from?' then BOOM I thought of you!" She brightly replied.

The raven haired male stared at her blankly as she kept an idiotic smile plastered on her face. Feeling herself slowly start to grow clammy at his lack of an answer.

"Yeah, no." and with that Woozi gathered his things and walked off; His peaceful morning ruined.

(Y/n) sat in her chair dumbfounded as the boy walked off. She knew that it was a stretch to get him to say yes but damn. Even though she was just harshly rejected, something told her that instead of being upset and giving up, she should double down. It is what she does best after all.

Summary: (Y/n) is the pride of Gryffindor’s quidditch team, though that may come to an end if her grades keep dropping the way they are now. As a last hope of not being kicked before the new season starts, the Gryffindor starts her search for a tutor. Thus comes in the quiet grumpy Ravenclaw genius, Lee Jihoon. But why would he be willing to help someone he doesn’t know? Simple; to get the ever annoying and energetic (Y/n) off his back.

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A/n: haha….hiiiii. Okay I’m sorry for the lack of uploading. It took me forever to finish this written chapter and I’ve just been working nonstop lately but YIPPEE it’s finally done! Please enjoy! I also have not edited this so I’m so sorry if there is any misspellings or just skipped words in general

TAGLIST: Open @sp1ng @wonwoos-wineparty @expensive-idiot @lirtha97 @lightprincess-world

[pbandjesse]

I was so tired all day until literally 3 hours ago. I hate when that happens. But it wasn't a bad day. Just a sleepy one. With lots of activities still.

I really need to stop staying up scrolling so long but when you can't get comfortable it is really hard to get your brain to turn off. I thankfully only woke up a few times but I had to wake up for real at 645 and I was a little dizzy when my alarm went off. Was not fun but we had things to do.

James has put a sandwich in my purse. And I had already moved everything I needed into there. I also moved the glucose drink into a separate bag with some ice packs so it would remain cold for when I needed to take it st 845.

I was doing alright though. Pushing through. I double checked the instructions and I was allowed to eat breakfast so I had my sandwich in the car on our way to the hospital. We were there more on time then I am comfortable with. And we had to park 4 floors higher then we have before so it was a little nerve wracking for me because I felt like we were running late. Turns out even with the longer walk, elevator, and walking the sky bridge it still only takes about 5 minutes to get to the office so we were still five minutes early.

We only had to wait a few minutes to be taken back. I am not sure if this was a different nurse. She was also blonde and older but seemed shorter than the woman we met with the other day. Still very nice.

And baby was moving so much! It is wild to me that she is barely wiggling right now at home and then when we get there and I get seated in their bed with the straps she's basically kicking me and I love it but also girl why are you stressing me out!

The test went well though. She's my loving good. Practicing breathing. I just continue to be the issue.

We finished up the monitoring and we had a wired gap between this appointment and the next. About a half hour until I had to drink the test liquid and an hour and change until the appointment. James said we should go pick up some groceries. I was a little nervous about the timing but it ended up being fine.

Once we got to the parking lot of the grocery store it was time for the scary liquid. 10oz or this orange flavored glucose drink. And I have heard very mixed things. First that the orange was the best flavor and I'll agree it wasn't bad at all. It was very sweet, but mostly it tasted like a melted popsicle. Slightly syrupy. A little burn at the back of my throat. And while I wouldn't chose to drink it, it wasn't so bad.

I had to finish the whole thing in 5 minutes. I was doing good. Got through half. Giving James commentary the entire time. And then just as I get to the very last sip I gagged and it took everything in me to not throw up. It was terrible! I was choking and coughing and teary eyed. I was so confused! James was laughing. I was laughing. The whole thing was ridiculous. I was fine! And then I was almost taken out. It was wild.

I took a few sips of water and we made our way into the store. I thought I was going to throw up but I was able to walk it off and just enjoyed walking around the grocery store. We found a balloon full of other balloons that I felt akin to. We got our things. Paid. And headed out.

We went to the next appointment. At the regular office. And it was weirdly hot in there and they seemed to be training a bunch of new people. I let them know the time I finished the drink like I was supposed to but then the time was ticking away and I wasn't getting brought back. I was getting really nervous. I didnt want the rest to get messed up because they forgot about me.

3 minutes before the hour timer I told the desk and she was like. Hmm. And called back and a nurse rushed out to get me. The phelbotomist was a little rough but efficient and took 6 vials of my blood. Ouchie.

I would get taken to a room soon. I had two nurses because one was training. We didn't know what one of the medicines on my list was so we took it off but I realized what it was this evening so I'm going to have to have them add that back. It was the heartburn medicine they gave me at the hospital. I'm not taking it all the time but I want it to be an option.

And the appointment went well. We got some information and FAQs about the third trimester. We talked about C-sections and how I will most likely have to be induced at 37 weeks, but could be as early as 36. I really want her born in March. February just feels to early. My original due date was March 29th. It was moved to the 21st. But now it may be somewhere in the first week of March. The doctor said she hopes I will make it to 37 weeks but it's primarily going to do with my health. Because thankfully so far baby is great. Her heartbeat is strong and she is growing like she's supposed to. Let's just hope that I'm alright.

I was ready to go home though. I was tired. It has already been a long morning. We checked out at the front desk and there was some confusion with my upcoming appointments. But once we left the office the woman called me to come back for a referral and she realized I had been right and she was the one confused so everything is fine and I have the appointments all correct. Doing double appointments sure are hard to schedule but we do our best.

We got home soon enough. And once everything was in I just wanted to be comfortable. James got ready for a bike ride. They would be gone for a few hours. And I would rest. I watched videos and just chilled for a while. I heard the street cleaner outside. And then I slept.

I woke up at 1 just before James got home. I felt very dried out and weak. A little shakey. James brought me water and giggled at the lines I had on my legs from the blankets. They would take a shower and I would go downstairs to eat a snack.

Which turned into a bunch nonsense snacks that would upset my stomach. Yogurt. Pretzel sticks. Muffin. Chocolate. All fine but I ate them to quickly and just felt so weak.

We had talked about going to get pizza but I was feeling so bad and was worried that it would make me to full for dinner with the Fulwilers and extended family later on. So I let James know I didn't want to leave the house and instead they made a pizza bagel and I had a vegan fish fillet and we cuddled and it helped me feel a little better. But I was still not feeling very good.

We came upstairs and watched videos together. James held me for a while. But eventually they would leave me alone to rest and try to be okay.

I got dressed again closer to when we planned to leave. James made sure we had gifts. And then we were off.

It was still warm but I probably should have brought a jacket anyway. I would get chilly. But it would be a lovely evening.

I really like James's cousins Drew and Margot. And their parents. This is Tucker's side of the family and it is a different vibe for sure. But no less fun. I always enjoy their company.

There were gifts exchanged. Margot is so sweet and she gave us presents but also got baby Sylvia a gift. We all got wearable blanket hoodies that are so cozy. And they baked us all cookies that they decorated. I love that that is something they always do. They are a really sweet family.

We spent an hour or so eating snacks and telling stories. Charlotte's new boyfriend Jacob came too. And I really like him so it was cool that he was there. We all just chilled and laughed and talked until it was time to go to the reservation.

My dad called me right before we left for dinner and he sounded good. He told me my aunt had gotten hurt but was doing better and I'm very glad. I love my aunt Nadine very much and I want her around for at minimum 20 more years so she's gotta protect that noggin. I also just told him about my appointments and the new time line and all of that. I am feeling pretty positive about everything. Still an underlying nervousness but it's better.

And dinner was so nice. Charlotte and Jacob rode in the car with us. And when we parked there was a fox walking down the street! To fast for us to get a picture but still very cool. And I love eating at The Ambassador. It's absolutely beautiful and the food is fantastic.

It was one of those meals where we are having conversations and fun but then the food comes and it's so good that the conversation basically stops. I was having a lovely evening though and was feeling very happy. It is always really nice to be with good people. And the food was great. I got it a little spicy and it was excellent.

We finished up dinner. Got a picture in front of their Christmas tree. And after hugs and well wishes all around, it was time to go home.

Charlotte and Jacob rode with the Fulwilers this time. And James took me right home. I only felt s little car sick. I think the lights moving from other cars makes it worse for me. My head hurt and I was just s little nauseous. But we got home and brought our gifts inside. Got a correct side parking space. So we don't have to think about it in the morning. Excellent.

James put things away while I went and tried to get the shower to warm up. Which took forever, but I was able to take a pretty pleasant shower after waiting. And now me and James are both in our wearable blankets and Sweetp is here (who got a new lamb chop cat up toy) and he's being so lovey. I feel bad that I'm going to have to move to take this towel off of my hair.

Today was a very good day. I really hope tomorrow, the last day of the year, is good too. I hope you all have a lovely day. Sleep well. And be safe. Goodnight!

[nakimesbiwa]

Mad love

MUICHIRO X MAID!FEM!READER (!BAD SPELLING ERRORS SORRY! MUICHIRO IS OOC!

I am a fast typer (1 random text per story)

You woke up looking around then you felt someone tightly squeezing your arm You looked "Eh..?" You said quietly. Uhm…Can you wake up please" Not trying to shout. ''Huh..'' You both blankly looked at each other. the realization hit you both. Muichiro blushed hard, but you blush lightly. ''I-I'm so s-sorry..'' He said looking away to hide his red face. "I-Uh it's okay..!" About to get off of the bed. ''W-wait.'' "Hm?" ''Can…Y-you stay…please?…'' Aw, he looked so sweet you thought to yourself. "Sure.." You lay back down as he looked at you…He wasn't blinking. You thought: He's sweet now but it's not like this forever it's just a one-time thing! 20 minutes had passed by and he was still looking at you you thought it was strange. you only looked at him because of his pretty eyes. "Uhm are you okay?" Still was looking at you. "HELLO?" ''What..?'' He said looking tired. "You were looking at me for like…24 minutes!" ''oh okay.'' he moved closer to you he was only inches away from you. "I-Uh-um-eh.." He hugged you tightly you couldn't move. You didn't know what to do everything was happening so quickly that you started to play with his hair randomly. He fell asleep "So quickly," you said following him and going to sleep.

''Hey wake up'' he said softly "Huh?… What? you were tired and didn't want to wake up. ''School.'' "WHAT I DONT- HUH ME NO GO- WHAT??" ''shut up I got you to the school I was going to I have you a uniform GET up.'' "Damn…Okay!" You got up picked the clothes up and went into the bathroom putting them on You thought They looked very pretty on you! "I'm done!" ''MEET ME DOWNSTAIRS!'' He shouted. "Okay!" You walked down the stairs and saw him he looked handsome in the uniform you thought. ''Okay.. I got your bag put on your shoes.'' "Okay!" you put on your shoes and opened the door. ''We have to run to school okay?'' After he said that he dashed he was so fast you couldn't keep up. "H-hey!" You ran you didn't see him anymore but you saw the "high school". Muichiro stopped at the front gate. Finally reaching the gate you saw him. You were out of breath. "W-h-hy w-would you do that..ughh." You said looking tired ''Trust me it was nothing.'' ''Come on..'' He holds your hand getting into the school you get jealous or nasty stares. Why are they looking at me like that do I do something wrong you thought to yourself. ''Okay, where here are introduced yourself okay?'' Oh, you thought. "O-oh r-right.." ''Are you okay?'' "Yes…" You said nervously. ''Yeah..sure..'' You went into the room you heard a loud noise but when you entered the room with Muichiro it was silent. (…..) They all looked at you. "Uhm-Hi…My name is uh- y/n(Your name) happy to m-meet you all! What was that? You thought it was a mess and you hated it!. ''Your seat is right next to me'' he said quietly. "…Okay…" Walking side by Muichiro you sat in your seat. 5 minutes after the teacher came into the room.

After the lesson, you have free time."Muichiro I'm going to get a snack I will be back!" ''Okay..'' You left him walked around a bit and got the the food corner. After you get your snack you touch shoulders with a random girl. "HEY! watch where you going DUMB HEAD " the random girl said with sassy and a bad look. "Huh…?"You said looking at them weirdly. The random girl narrowed her eyebrows looking at me. "Yes, YOU fatty look at you with all of that food. "…I did nothing to you?" I said trying to not shed a tear. "I don't care fatty with all of that food are you going to have a feast with all the food? Girl calm down with that food." You tried so hard not to cry but you did she only bullied you more. "P-p-please S-s-stop!…" You ran away not worrying about where you were going…You somehow ran into Muichiro trying to look for you. '' Where you are wh-'' He took a moment to look at you. you were crying? He thought ''Hey are you okay why are you crying? Who did this to you?'' You cried more thinking about what happened

He hugs you tightly…But the hug feels soft. "I-i-i" I tried to finish your sentence but you cried even more. ''Don't worry…Please.Do you want to come home early?'' "Y-yes-s" ''Okay.." He grabbed your hand walked down the stairs and went outside getting into the car. You thought *He didn't check out hmm A few mins later You got into the house. Walking into his room both of you sat in his bed. Holding your hand: ''Who did this'' "I think she had…Black hair green eyes.." ''Thank you '' He said softly. "D-do y-y-you think……I'm fat?" After you said that you started crying. He looks shocked and wide in his eyes. "No i dont! You're pretty in your way in your eyes, personality, Body. I think you are beautiful everywhere She was wrong you are not fat even if you were I would still love you okay? Don't listen to her.'' You were shocked. you smiled and hugged him tightly. "Thank you…" ''No problem…Don't let the girl get to your head.'' "Okay…" He was looking at you smiling with a spark in his eyes. randomly he kissed you on the forehead. "H-h-huh?" What was that…You thought this was too early huh I'm just… ''Sorry..'' He said looking down. "N-not it's just- Wait no it's okay!" I said looking down too.

That's part 2 Part3.?? I don't have any ideas… can you tell that i ran out of ideas? I didn't know what to put..

[lilliathshifts]

Ok this post is going to be long and if you see any sentences that are just… wrong, ignore it, it's fine.

I AM DOING A SUPERNATURAL DR POST THINGY (I'm explaining the dr)

So to begin, my name is Paige Elaine Winchester, yes my initials are pew (I'm hilarious). I was born to Sharron Wailer (who her up in a family of hunters but didn’t want that life) and John Winchester (bleh 🤮) on June 6, 1988, I am a Gemini. John was in and out of my life pretty early, I was only a week old when he dipped for the first time and didn't come back until I was 1. Coming to visit once or twice a year but by the time I was 5, he just stopped visiting.

By this time, my mom started seeing this guy named Blake Blee. He was pretty cool, but he was a shapeshifter, surprisingly mom didn’t care. Blake never hurt anyone and his current id was a guy who died years ago. I started viewing him as my dad after a couple of weeks of living with us. After 1.5 years of my mom and Blake dating, they got engaged and a couple of months later, got married.

Now it was me, Blake, and my mom. Life was great. And then, suddenly, with no warning, John Winchester started showing up again after three years. It was so ridiculous because he expected me to run to him and say “daddy, daddy, I missed you oh so much 🥺🥺,” but I didn’t miss him, because Blake replaced him in every way. I mean, I called him dad, he thought me how to ride a bike, he’d secretly let me stay home from school so we could hang out, and John hated Blake for it. Luckily, he left shortly after that and I didn’t see him for another 8 years.

Within those 8 years, mom and Blake had a baby, his name is Evan Jonas Blee. I was weird being an older sister after 10 years of being an only child, but I loved my baby brother. Also around this time, I asked Blake to adopt me, which he did. Now it’s me, Blake, mom and Evan. We were a happy nuclear family. I loved bragging about my family, I loved them so much, we even got a cat and a dog named Stir Fry and Chick (laugh at the funny names).

It’s a couple of days before Halloween 2004, and life is going great. I needed to go to a store to get some last minute candy for the trick-or treaters. While I’m in the store, guess who I run into, John Winchester, and he didn’t even recognize me, how funny. Anyway, I don’t even bother talking to him and I just go home to tell my parents. A couple of hours later he shows up at our door asking if he can stay for a couple of days while he’s in town. My mom and I go to say no but my dad (Blake) tells him to stay as long as he needs to and that we have a spare room next to the living room. Evan and John weirdly got along, it was very unsettling. Mom was really stressed and when I asked her why, she started saying how she’s scared that John will somehow find out that dad is a shapeshifter and hurt him, but dad told her to not worry about that, and that he’d make sure that John would never find out about him.

On Halloween, I took Evan trick-or-treating while my parents and John went out. Evan and I were out pretty late and for back in around 10:30. Mom was home but not Dad and John. I was really tired and so was Evan and mom was a lil drunk so I out Evan to bed and ended up falling asleep in his room, still in my costume.

The next morning, I woke up around 8:30am and went down stairs expecting to see dad cooking breakfast, but he wasn’t there. So I thought that he was still asleep with mom. I passed the front windows and didn’t see John’s truck and assumed he left when things were going a little good. Mom woke up at 10am and asked if dad was asleep on the couch, he wasn’t. I then asked if he called last night to say if he and John were at a hotel or something, but no one called. Mom was a little worried and decided to go back to the bar to see if the workers know where they went. When Evan woke up, we took Stir Fry and Chick for walks while also looking for my dad and John.

Me, Evan and mom got back at the same time, but with no luck on finding them. A couple of hours has passed and a cop showed up at our door. Blake was dead. He was found in a dumpster behind a Brookshires across town. He had a singular stab wound in his abdomen, it looked like he didn’t fight back.

The next couple of months were a blur. Christmas and New Years were very quiet. We decorated and had a small party for Evan. For dad’s birthday, we went to his favorite fishing spot and just cried. I ended up graduating high school early, just like how dad and I planned. Graduation was great, my speech was mainly about him and how he helped me through so much.

It had been 8 months since he died and things were kinda normal. I celebrated my 17th birthday and mom celebrated her 39th.

Then it was September, Evan just turned 7 and I took him to his favorite places while mom had to work. While we were at Evan’s favorite pizza place, I saw this guy who weirdly looked like John. I guess I was staring pretty hard because he walked up to me. I really wanted to ask him a question but before I could, he asked for my name, so I told him. He just kinda stared at me for a bit and asked me to repeat what I said, I did. Tell me why this random stranger pulled up a chair and started asking me weird questions.

“Who are your parents” Sharron and Blake Blee, “when’s your birthday” june 6, 1988, “Do you know a man named John” yea he’s my deadbeat dad

I was getting weirded out but I asked him his name and he said his name was Dean Winchester. Same last name, I guess it’s common? He said his dad’s name is John Winchester. Guess these names are also common, maybe..?

Then he pulled out a picture of him and MY John a saying he was John oldest son and that he has a younger brother name Sam etc.

Me and Evan left with Dean and we dove to my house. I searched that house for pictures of me and John and finally found one of a year ago that my dad took of us. And that’s how I found out I had two older brothers from John’s first marriage.

BAM finished backstory. I’ve been sitting on this story for a while and was finally able to put this into words. Anyway hope you like

[golbrocklovely]

i’m the anon that sent that shifting n stuff ask! so your college experience counts as shifting (like 100%) and i’d love to hear it!!personally on the fence about the legit science side of it, since small things like the berstein bears and little timeline tweaks I think could be real, and ppl having strong emotional reactions are obviously smthg unless theyre lying (but they dont have a reason to really, and theyre living w the stress of what feels like gaslighting to them). but the tiktok -🌟

see this issue i have of calling what i experienced as "shifting" is i was very much awake and living my life when it happened. hell, even someone else i knew said things felt different (i'll explain in the story) so to me, this wasn't like a very vivid daydream or dream even. but i also can't completely explain what happened logically.

okay, here's what i experienced many moons ago, where i think we switched onto a different timeline.

this is super long and weirdly timely so... strap in lol

how i always described this situation to those that wanted to know about it: imagine taking any room in your house. you have all the time in the world to memorize everything about it. the furniture, the lights, everything. imagine i tell you to leave that room for a couple minutes, and then come back. you do that, and when you come back i tell you that something about this room is now missing. it's up to you to figure out what is no longer there. now, it could be as noticeable as a couch or a chair, right? or... it could a quarter that was under the rug that you didn't know about. that's how annoying this whole thing felt. you know something's different. but you don't know what it is.

this was november of 2017. i was in college. to give a brief run down of my sleeping schedule at the time, i would leave for school (bc i commuted) around 8 am, get there at 9, and then stay at school until 5 pm. then i would get home around 6/7, depending on traffic, and pass out almost immediately. then i'd wake up anywhere around 1-3 am, do homework and whatnot and then literally stay up the entire time until the next day at 6/7 pm again. if i was lucky, i could nap at school (bc my dad worked at my university and i could sleep in his office) or if i didn't have homework i could sleep until the next day when i would have to get ready for school.

so it's safe to say my sleeping schedule was ass lol

i just came home, it was a monday. i think i stayed up a bit later, worked on an art project for school, and then went to sleep around 8/9 pm. i remember falling asleep, i remember deciding i was going to sleep.

i woke up around 3 in the morning. that wasn't odd, i usually always wake up throughout the night. however when i woke up, i was confused as all hell. i didn't have a weird dream, if anything i didn't really dream at all, and when i woke up i just felt really confused, like my room looked different to me or something.

i remember saying out loud, "something feels off", and then i went back to sleep. i slept until the morning when i had to get up, bc i had no other homework that night.

on tuesdays (from what i can remember now since this was so long ago at this point), i would have a 9 am bio class, then i would have a couples hours off, and the around 1 or so, i would go to my art class. i remember distinctively carrying a big ass portfolio to school, or into my dad's office on these days. thursdays, i had a similar schedule. the only difference being i didn't have art, i had a bio lab instead that was a bit later than the art class. this is all important to the story.

i go to school on tuesday, take my portfolio to my dad's office, leave it there, and then go to my biology class. class is normal, nothing out of the ordinary. now, to give you an exact date or time frame of when this all took place, we had a WEEK before thanksgiving break. and i knew my professor wanted our last class together to be a quiz or a test. and our break started on wednesday the following week.

and i remember half way thru class sitting there, wondering why she was teaching us all of this new material when we should have been taking a test. class ended, she said "see you on thursday" and i remember almost raising my hand to say "thursday is thanksgiving". it took me a solid 30 seconds to realize OH, i'm thinking of the wrong dates. it's not the week of thanksgiving, it's the week before.

i started walking back to my dad's office and i thought to myself "what else do i have to do today? nothing, right? i don't have any other classes." (to addon, on mon/wed/fri i only had one class). i get back to my dad's office, see my portfolio and go OMG dumbass, you have art. it was literally the only homework you worked on last night. you always have two classes on tues/thurs.

i was very confused, but shrugged it off. however, i want it to be noted that while i can be forgetful sometimes, when i was in school, i really wasn't. i was on top of my school work and never once need an extension bc i made sure to know when things were due. so to be a week off time wise was really confusing.

fast forward a bit, it's time for my art class. the one thing i LOVED about my campus was that we had flowers all over that were just absolutely gorgeous. i'll even insert the one photo i took of these flowers from a month before this event happened to me (also, ain't creepy that it's also from a tuesday??? also also i had to ss this from snapchat lol):

so as i'm walking to class, i have to pass by these flowers. they looked like this ^^^ literally the day before, and i just generally loved walking by them when i would go on that side of campus.

i stopped dead in my tracks. they were all dead.

they looked burned, like someone had set them ablaze. like, usually when plants like these die there is at least some petals left on the ground. maybe shriveled up and whatnot, but proof that they were once vibrant flowers. i'm telling you, they were all gone and there was no petals anywhere. it was so eerie to me that i felt really creeped out.

i went to class, nothing else really happened. i asked my friend if she felt off that day, and she said no. i went home after my class, repeated the cycle of sleeping and then getting up late.

on wednesdays, i had my one class mid way thru the day, so usually i would spend my mornings going to the library and working on bio lab stuff (which would be due the next day). so i did that, went to my usual spot, started working on my lab. i get a text around 10/11 ish by my friend from my art class (that was also in the same major as me, theater). and she told me the cast list was posted for our final show. this was my senior year and this would have been my last chance to perform. i had only perform twice, and really wanted to get in something else before graduating.

she sent me the cast list, and i didn't make it into anything. i was taken aback bc the director, who was also my adviser, had praised my song choice and thought i sounded excellent and basically kissed the ground i walked on after my audition, which is something that she never did before.

and the thing is, i had not been casted before. so this wasn't new to me. but literally every time, i would cry. it meant a lot to me to be included so when i wasn't i just felt terrible, so i would always cry. i remember digging my nails into my palm and tears welling up in my eyes. i remember looking around at everyone in the library, already feeling embarassed that i was gonna cry publicly. i closed my eyes, and took a really deep breath.

and suddenly, all of the sadness i felt went away immediately. like in a snap, i was suddenly okay. hell, i was more than okay. i was… happy.

not to be too sad sounding, but i'm never happy. well, it's very rare for me to be genuinely, deeply happy. especially back then when i was at one of my lowest and most depressed. but i sincerely was so happy, so relieved. i sped thru my bio lab somehow, left the library early, and when i walked back to my dad's office, i was fucking GIDDY. you ever see in movies when someone's in a good mood they point and wave at strangers?? i was, honest to god, thisclose to doing that bc that's how HAPPY I WAS.

i was deeply confused by all of this tho. bc none of it made sense. how did i forget what week it was so quickly and think i was a week ahead? how did i get over the heartache of missing out on the final chance i had to perform? it was like a week had passed in my mind, and that's why my emotions - anger, sadness, shame, you name it - were all gone within a second.

i genuinely believe that we somehow jumped a week in time. now granted, you could probably chalk a lot of this up to me just being in a weird headspace, forgetting things bc stress, my depression, terrible sleeping habits, ect. i get it. i've gone thru all of those scenarios myself, even to this day.

but the ONE THING that makes me think this actually happened…. is my mom. fast forward to mid decemeber, i remember it was when i was off but my dad wasn't, so me and mom were driving up to my university to pick up my dad from work. i was talking to her about my life and school and whatever. idk what we were talking about exactly, but i said to my mom "i feel like something has shifted. like something changed."

she agreed with me. "yeah, things feel really off anymore." i told her that i've felt this way for a while. and then my mom goes, "have you been feeling this way since the week before thanksgiving? bc that's when i started to feel it."

imma be honest, i don't believe in conspiracy theories. i'm not one to jump the gun on shit like this, but clearly something happened. i'm not sure what, but something changed for me back then. and i think it's bigger than just me and the ppl immediately around me. but that's just how i feel about it.

this was very long and i'm really sorry if this was boring to read lol

[c4l4mityv4in]

The cute Witch boy flying outside my window (A Haikyuu fanfic)

Chapter 5: "Falling In Love With You All Over Again"

Notes:

First of all, Blessed first day of Samhain to all who celebrate (pronounced Sohwin) And happy Halloween!

Fic notes:

I actually haven't read the first two volumes of the Manga in English nor have I ever found a way to watch the English dub where I live so please keep that in mind as you read this

A lot of this will sound confusing towards the end but it WILL make sense once you get to the last few sentences I promise

"Dear Diary, I woke up tge next day to find the chain that I wrapped around the two diaries completely rusty, I still remember everything so that's good. But I weirdly felt shorter and my room was different but the biggest difference was that my Volleyball uniform was no longer gray and Orange and didn't say Karasuno. My uniform was blue and white and had a number two on it and said "Kitagawa-Daaichi Middle School", I looked like I went to middle school too but why did it take me all the way back here?

I had actually never heard of this school's team, we didn't play against Yukigaoka in the other timeline I'm 100% sure of that, so why now? I scolded the second years for underestimating someone they never saw playing and that's when a beautiful familiar voice yelled at me, "My team will beat you!

And we'll win this whole thing too!", a nervous ginger in a light green Number 1 uniform that was holding his stomach yelled at me, there was a guy next to him with the same color uniform that called him

"Shou-chan", that bothered me. That was no with no doubt my Shoyo. My Shou-chan. My boyfriend!

And he forgot all about me. He was insanely good at spiking and jumped super high, at one point something slipped out of my mouth, as if this timeline's me was speaking instead of me, "Where have you been all these years!?", I yelled at him after one of his spikes.

I had actually never heard of this school's team, we didn't play against Yukigaoka in the other timeline I'm 100% sure of that, so why now? I scolded the second years for underestimating someone they never saw playing and that's when a beautiful familiar voice yelled at me, "My team will beat you!

And we'll win this whole thing too!", a nervous ginger in a light green Number 1 uniform that was holding his stomach yelled at me, there was a guy next to him with the same color uniform that called him

"Shou-chan", that bothered me. That was no with no doubt my Shoyo. My Shou-chan. My boyfriend!

And he forgot all about me. He was insanely good at spiking and jumped super high, at one point something slipped out of my mouth, as if this timeline's me was speaking instead of me, "Where have you been all these years!?", I yelled at him after one of his spikes.

I hope I didn't offend him or something. He was the only good player on his team and we beat them easily, at the end of the day I heard him call to me from a staircase outside the sports center, he said that one day he was going to beat me and I can't wait for the day we meet again. Tonight, I found a crow nest sitting on my window, the crow couldn't speak but I know for a fact it was Woodpecker, I wonder why he chose to live here instead of with Shoyo"

[A few months later]

(I'm sorry you're going to have to see this

"transition" a few times we're skipping through the actual series right now)

"Dear Diary,

Today was my first day at Karasuno in this timeline it started pretty normal, I had to join the Volleyball club again and was the first person in the gym, I was just practicing a few things when I heard him, "W-WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!?", my Shoyo. It was weird to pretend to not know his name, it actually kinda hurt. We ended up fighting and got kicked out of the club, we challenged the third years to a game to let us back in and now Shoyo, Tanaka and I have to play against Tsukishima, Yamaguchi and one of the third years to be allowed back and if we lose I won't be able to be a setter for the whole year. Wish me Luck"

"Dear Diary,

Good News, we won the game

Bad news, that asshole Tsukishima told Shoyo all about the "King of the Court" thing

More Good news, Shoyo didn't give a shit, he gave a whole speech about how the past is in the past and that he only wanted to focus on the future, if I didn't love him before I definitely love him now.

I'm looking forward to this future, Shoyo has incredible potential. I've decided, if we win against Date Tech at the Spring Tournament this time, I'm asking him out"

"Dear Diary,

We won against Date Tech...and I asked Shoyo out... and he said yes...I think, he got all flustered and it was super difficult to understand him but I ended up saying something about taking him out after spring tournament was over."

"Dear Diary,

We lost the spring tournament but our date went somewhat well-”

"Dear Diary,

WE'RE GOING TO NATIONALS-"

"Dear Diary,

We won against Nekoma and I finally asked Shoyo to be official, he said ye-"

"Dear Diary,

We lost the last ga-"

"Dear Diary,

I'm off to another country!-"

"Dear Diary,

I miss my Shoyooo-"

"Dear Diary,

We both got on the Japanese national team!-"

"Dear Diary,

He said yes! Me and Shoyo are getting married-"

"Dear Diary,

I'm officially married now-"

"Dear Diary,

We adopted a child!-"

"Dear Diary,

We adopted twins!-"

"Dear Diary,

We're Grandparents-"

"Dear Diary,

Am I too old to keep a diary?-"

"Dear Diary,

Shoyo's not doing well-"

"Dear Diary, Shoyo's gone-"

"Dear Diary,

I fear this is my time, my last entry-"

Nothing. Nothing more about witches, I searched every single diary and I found shit! I always thought Grandpa's stories were him making up stuff but now I know it's all real, why did I HAVE to fall for a witch?

Couldn't it have been any other human on the planet? One of Grandpa's diary's mentioned a red diary that belonged to Pop pop back when he was a witch, maybe I'll find a way to live happily with her in there...

Notes:

PLOT TWIST! You were shobio's Granddaughter this whole time!

(I'm actually so proud that I came up with that)

I'm planning on writing a mini series of Diary entries/One-shots set in both the old and new timeline soon AND next October I will release the Hinata POV of this story, can't wait for you to read it and once again, Thank you for reading my first fic tine in tomorrow to read my new Bokuaka fic if you liked this one.

With lots of love, Sasha<3

[jinkieswouldyoulookatthis]

Rolling - Chapter 5

Just a hunt fic with lots of weirdly close brother moments. Dean’s got issues, y'all.

Words: 2601

Relationship:  Just the brothers being weirdly close, no smut but this is pushing right up against wincest and implies they've had incestuous thoughts about each other.

Warnings: Angst.

Read it on AO3

Read from the beginning here

~~~

Sammy was laughing and jumping up and down, sparks and bright trails of the fireworks falling all around him. His thirteen year old body was still all scrawny and short, but he was beaming that wide, dimpled smile at Dean, the one that came so rarely now that they were older, and Dean’s heart split wide open.

Sammy ran up to him, “Thanks, Dean! This is great!” And he threw his arms around Dean’s middle and buried his face in his stomach, squeezing as tightly as he could. Dean hugged him back, not hesitantly like he had when this memory had played out in Heaven, but firmly, maybe a bit desperately, like he was trying to hold the moment, to press it permanently into his bones.

“I love you, Dean.” Sammy lifted his face, tipped his head back to look up at Dean. “You know that, right?” 

Dean’s heart swelled at the look of adoration on his brother’s face. 

His shirt had gotten scrunched up in the back by Sammy’s arms and now one of his little hands, still years aways from hitting his big growth spurt, was pressed so warm against the skin of Dean’s lower back.

He woke with a gasp, heart racing. The room was dark, just the dim street light shining around the edges of the thick curtains. Dean was laying on his back, head turned towards the nightstand where the red glow of the clock announced that it was 4:03am. Sam shifted. He was curled against Dean’s other side, one huge hand resting heavy above the covers over Dean’s stomach, while his forehead was pressed against Dean’s shoulder. He was still asleep, his breath blew hot down the side of Dean’s arm. 

The dream flashed back through Dean’s mind. Hot on its heels came the realization that he was half hard and his stomach gave a violent lurch that started the internal countdown that he was going to puke in 5, 4, 3…

He jumped out of the bed… 2… and ran into the bathroom… 1… just in time as he vomited into the toilet. The amulet, which he was wearing again, clanged loud against the porcelain as the contents of his stomach gushed out in a burning, stinging torrent.

One of the only good things about puking was how blissfully blank his mind went while he was actually heaving. His thoughts silenced as the raw physicality of purging took over. But once that died down, it all came crashing back over him. For the first time since the shadow person had touched him, he had woken up before his dream had turned into a nightmare, only to find himself horrified and disgusted at his waking self.

What the actual fuck?

His stomach clenched again and he leaned back over the toilet bowl as his body tried vainly to rid itself of something bad, even though the bad was in his head and not in his stomach.

He sank down to the floor, his back resting against the side of the tub and his legs pulled up, knees bent, until he could rest his arms across them. He curled forward until his forehead rested on his right wrist. There were tears stinging his eyes.

What the fuck was wrong with him?

He could have blamed it on the proximity of another warm body in his bed and the fact that it had been months since he’d hooked up with anyone, and a few weeks since he’d spent any quality alone time with his right hand. He could have blamed this all on that, sure, and even though he knew that it was very likely a contributing factor, the truth was that he was all mixed up and messed up inside, and had been for a long time.

“Hey?” Sam said quietly from the bathroom doorway. “You okay?”

Dean swallowed the bitter taste of bile coating his mouth and burning his throat. “No. No I’m really not.”

The silence stretched out between them. Dean, head still down, silently let his tears flow, Sam stood awkwardly in the doorway, not knowing what to do to help. Finally, Sam ripped the plastic wrap off one of the motel bathroom cups and filled it with water from the tap. He crouched down, his massive frame filled the rest of the space in the small room, and he held the cup out to Dean.

“Here. Rinse and spit.”

It was dark in the bathroom, the faint light in the main room doing little to illuminate more than their rough shapes. So Dean knew that Sam wouldn’t be able to see that he’d been crying, but he still wiped at his face when he lifted his head, embarrassed. He sniffled and cleared his throat as he took the cup and rinsed his mouth before leaning over and spitting into the toilet bowl.

Sam stood up and flushed it all down then stepped back out of the bathroom.

It had been two weeks since Dean had had a heart attack, and every night since, Sam had insisted on curling around Dean as they slept, no longer comfortable with just letting Dean reach out to him when the nightmares started. And although they hadn’t talked about it, Dean knew that Sam needed it as much as he did, that he was likely blaming himself for Dean having to go to the hospital, so Dean barely even grumbled each time Sam pulled him close as soon as the light was out. He just gave a token complaint, you know, to keep up appearances.

But the truth was, he was terrified. He didn’t know how to fix the situation. He was broken, in a way that ran deep way down to his core, and had been for so long that he didn’t know how to be any other way. 

The thing with Sam, yeah, it was messed up, he knew that. God how he knew that. Other people had noticed and pointed it out over the years, but none of them even knew the half of it. But he didn’t know how to explain any of that to his brother. How do you explain something like that? Dean didn’t even fully understand it himself.

Sam turned the light on between the beds.

Dean got up off the bathroom floor and refilled the cup at the sink. He drank it down slowly, testing to see if he could keep it down. After a couple of minutes he sighed and walked back into the main room.

Sam was sitting on the unused bed, he looked up as Dean sat on the one they’d been sleeping in.

“Sorry for waking you up.”

“That the first time one of the nightmares made you throw up?”

“Yeah.” Dean said, hesitantly.

“What?”

“That one was, uh, different.” Fuck he didn’t want to talk about this.

“Mm.” Sam nodded and looked down at his hands. 

Dean sighed again. “It wasn’t a nightmare. It was just a dream, a memory, sort of.”

Sam glanced at him but didn’t say anything.

“It was you and me, that 4th of July when we set off that box of fireworks and nearly started a wildfire.”

Sam smiled. “Yeah?”

Dean swallowed, “Yeah.”

“But?”

“It was just that and then I woke up.”

Sam’s brow creased. “So why did you puke?”

“Because sometimes I don’t like myself very much.” Dean said cryptically, looking down at the floor.

Neither of them said anything for a long moment. 

Finally, Sam shifted and spoke, his voice unsure. “While you were in hell, Ruby…” 

Dean’s expression hardened in immediate reflex, even after all this time she was still such a sore spot between them. 

Sam swallowed, took a steadying breath, and continued. “How Ruby finally got to me was by taking stuff you would have said and twisting it up, just a little.” Sam looked down at his hands. “And it just pushed the right buttons, you know, and some of the wrong ones too, I guess, and I hated myself so much. I tried to hate her, I did, but at the time, you know, I couldn’t because all she was doing was taking something that was already in me and giving it just like half a turn and we were…”

His voice dropped to just above a whisper, ”Dean, I missed you so much and was so messed up over failing you…”

He could see Dean shaking his head and figured he was probably going to interrupt him, so he cleared his throat and spoke up, kept talking, if he stopped now he didn’t know if or when he would ever work up the nerve again and he had to get this out. 

“That even though I knew it was wrong, so wrong, and she wasn’t you, but… but, I wanted her to be.” He squeezed his eyes tightly shut. “I wanted her to be you so bad even though I’d never, not for real, not…” He opened his eyes and glanced up at Dean, desperate to clock his reaction and to somehow, maybe, soften the devastation he felt back then and now.

“I know how fucked up that is. I know.” 

Dean’s eyes were wide and red and swimming with unshed tears. 

“So if things were ever messed up for you, like that, or maybe different but, still fucked up, then you gotta know, it’s not just you.”

Even though his heart was racing, he did his best to stay calm. He wanted, no, he needed Dean to know that it was okay. That whatever fucked up, messed up shit he’d been through, no matter what he’d thought or felt, or done, that it wasn’t going to push him away. So he thought all that as loud as he could and waited.

Dean blinked a few times before swiping his hand across his eyes, then he nodded and cleared his throat. 

“Alastair.” His voice cracked on the name and he had to stop, clear his throat again and swallow before beginning again. “He, uh, he didn’t just use physical torture. I mean, none of the torture in Hell was really physical. My body was dead and buried topside, but, ah, you know, the soul, I don’t know, it projects or imagines or whatever, that it still has a body. So a lot of what they do down there, it feels physical. I guess that’s just how the mind processes it. And, yeah, there was a rack and he cut and ripped and…”

He fell silent. Sam waited, forcing himself to be patient and give Dean the room he needed to continue, hoping that he would, even as he dreaded learning more about how Alastair broke his brother.

“But it wasn’t all like that. There was a lot that was more psychological, I guess. It was like being in a nightmare that just wouldn’t end. And, yeah, I, uh, yeah that’s what the shadow person stirred up when it touched me. Alastair started cutting my mind apart, like he was slowly dissecting me. He pulled out and went through all my memories of Mom, the fire, and Dad. He really spent some time on Dad and all the crap he put us through. Spinning things to worst case scenarios, or making it seem like it was worse than it was. He’d give me an order that I couldn’t follow, like, something impossible and I’d try, but, you know, fail. And then he’d be yelling at me then telling me he was disappointed in me. It was like I was just a kid again, and he’d get so mad, just fly off the handle, and he’d… And I think, I don’t know, Alastair seemed to know stuff that he shouldn’t and I guess it was from Dad’s time down there maybe? I don’t know how much was true or made up, or what he got from me, it…”

Dean scrubbed his hand over his face and back and forth through his hair before continuing.

“I know I got issues about Dad. Not really a newsflash.”

He looked around suddenly and got up. He walked over to the equipment duffle on the floor by the dresser and dug around in it for a second before pulling out a half full bottle of whisky.

“Dean.” 

“Yeah, I know, Sam. I just… I’m gonna keep talking, but I can’t do this stone sober.” He walked into the bathroom and grabbed the plastic cup. Back on the bed, he poured himself just two fingers of the amber liquid before handing the bottle to Sam. He took a sip and stared into the cup.

“At some point I guess he got bored or figured he’d run through all the meat on that bone, or… or I don’t know, but he just switched gears. “ Dean snapped his fingers. “And homed right in on you. And at first it was like these nightmares I’ve been having, you leaving, you getting hurt, getting into trouble, getting killed, going darkside on me and I, I couldn’t stop it. But he just kept picking at me, picked apart all my insecurities about failing Dad, failing you, losing you, how much I needed you.”

He took a sip.

“And then he started following that thread and things got…” he glanced up at Sam. “...complicated.”

“I, uh, I, fuck. Um, I know I’m not wired quite right. I know that. But the things he, uh, that he, like, played me through, were… shit, they crossed so many lines. He stirred everything up so bad I didn’t know what was real, what wasn’t anymore. And he was playing it, you know, just setting things up and letting them build so I got hopeful, almost happy and then you‘d get killed, or hurt so bad, or you’d kill me, or worse. So when I got out, when Cas pulled me topside again, it, uh, it took me a while to remember what was really me, you know? What was you. And I don’t think I… I think some of the wires are still wrong, but I don’t know how to fix ‘em, I don’t know where they’re supposed to go.”

Sam thought for a long moment, turning over what Dean had said, what he hadn’t said, looking for parts he wasn’t sure about. Dean had left a lot unsaid, but Sam was pretty certain he was filling in the blanks properly. There was one that had him curious though.

“What was worse than me killing you?” he finally asked quietly.

Dean looked at him, his face crumbling, brow scrunched, lips pressed tight, and chin trembling as tears welled up in his eyes again. He shook his head.

“No, it’s okay. It’s okay, Dean. You don’t have to.” Sam shook his head reassuringly at him. He was really struggling to suppress the tightness in his own throat. Dean didn’t need him falling apart too right now.

“I know I’ve said it a lot in the last few weeks, but I’m not going anywhere. I get why it’s hard for you to believe that, Dean, I do. And that’s on me. It is. But I need you to try and believe me. Okay? Until I can prove it to you.”

“I do, man, I mean, I know and I’m trying, this shit just runs deep.” He drank the rest of his drink in one gulp. “How do you even prove something like that, anyway?”Sam shrugged. “By not leaving.” He grabbed a flyer from the table by the window and handed it to Dean. “We’re ordering in.”

Last Chapter ->

[lyonfreddie]

prolonged wailing and gnashing of teeth under the cut!!!

let me just preface this by saying that i never get super personal on here anymore but i really just need to vent!!!!

i love my job mostly because i love my coworkers. i work in development/fundraising at a pretty big museum and our team of 5 is all a bunch of young professional women with Good Taste and Witty Banter. like we are all successionpilled. i would hate my job so much if i didn’t work with these people. last week, my favorite coworker announced she was moving to another city and got a job there to be with her long-distance fiancé (he got a tenure track job and obviously... cannot move lmao), and i was SO SAD because she is SO COOL and SO POISED and i want to be just like her, but i took comfort in the fact that we would still have 4/5 of our lovely team still together.

and then my boss pulls me aside first thing this morning and tells me SHE’S LEAVING TO LMFAO

like. i’m literally going to go insane. after march 16, our team of 5 will be a team of 3, and we won’t have either a leadership giving manager OR a membership manager. i print member cards and assemble renewal/new member packets once a week each week as my Big Project but before my boss leaves she’s going to teach me how to do pretty much everything she does that she hasn’t taught me yet. which is really, really nice of her, and also kind of a vote of confidence—i seriously doubt she would take another job if she wasn’t absolutely sure she was leaving her membership program in capable hands. 

my boss is the best boss i’ve ever had. she’s so organized and she knows everything about our museum’s institutional history because she was working there before it was even built. she has always given me clear instructions and honest feedback and she’s just so, so funny. she’s great. we’re practically the same person and have the same interests. and i still have so much left to learn from her. it almost feels unfair that she’s leaving, but i’m an actual adult now and i know this is the correct career move for her. she’s not even going that far. she’s going to work at another museum that is like 800 feet away from us.

but i’m still SO fucking sad. i’ve been crying on and off all day, including at work, where i had to hold it all in. the major gifts officer saw me at the printer and was like ‘you must be feeling sad, huh’ and all i could say was ‘yeah’ and she patted me on the back and i almost lost it in the middle of the office. like... GOD

it’s so embarrassing. i pride myself on being very cool and calm and collected, and the rest of my team always tells me it’s nice how i’m so calm all the time, especially when we’re running events. but i literally walked home today and then sat on the floor of my apartment and bawled for 5 straight minutes until i was out of breath. lol. i am going to be a wreck for every single bit of their farewells and it is not going to be pretty. i’m so sad. i’m so scared. what the fuck.

i’ve also just like... been On Edge for the past week or so in a way that hasn’t really manifested since grad school. my first semester of grad school was when i developed really bad anxiety that only manifested as physical symptoms—nausea, diarrhea, constipation, loss of appetite, insomnia, weird painful muscle cramps, etc. to the point where i literally thought i was on the verge of death! i’ve been reading a book about the salem witch trials and couldn’t help but notice that the “fits” described by the “afflicted” were weirdly similar to how my anxiety jumped out, save for, like, hallucinations. it’s a good book and i want to finish it but just thinking about the similarities almost gave me a panic attack one night... which is crazy. and then i woke up this morning and found out my stupid hemorrhoid is flaring up again. which, in retrospect, just seems like an omen. lmao.

if there is any silver lining to this at all, it’s that there is a possibility i may be promoted to membership manager. i’m currently at the coordinator level, but when my boss broke the news to me, she said that we’d be working with our external membership consultant (who i’ve met! she’s great.) to help keep renewal notices and regular mailings going out. presumable until i’m up to speed. i’ve been at this museum for over a year, and full-time for 7 months. they might wait a few months, until i get closer to a year as a FT employee. or they might just hire a new boss for me. i’m ok staying at the coordinator level for a little while longer; it’s nice not having to worry a TON about budgets and financial goals. but i could probably do it if pressed. and getting a big ass salary bump would be nice.

if you made it all the way to the end, thank you for being cringe with me 🤝 the reason this is here and not in my journal is because there was clearly too much to put into my journal without having my hand cramp up. i’ll be ok. i’ll get through this. but it’s gonna fucking suck 😭

[dzpenumbra]

2/9/23

I'm just gonna say it. It is difficult to add a Turing test for making a Tumblr account? Is it complicated? Does it cost too much money or something? Or have these bots just gotten smart enough to bypass them? The bot accounts on this site are just like... absolutely insane. At least they have been the past few months, I have no idea how long this flood has been a thing, I've only been here since like... August, I think?

I'll be honest, it's not a good look. Like... I swear, if Tumblr had an answer for this? They'd be in really good shape. This is a really cool atmosphere, I wish I had given it a chance sooner. But the amount of bots creeping around reminds me of that scene in the last Matrix movie (the last "real" one, sorry Lana, I really do appreciate the concepts behind what you were trying to do, but even your sibling tapped out on it, and I have to side with them, unfortunately) - let me clarify, in Matrix Revolutions, when Neo is in the City and all those bug robots are swarming around him. Like that. Just... off-putting. Like, what the fuck are they up to? I mean... they're up to something...

Today, I woke up at a somewhat decent hour. I checked the clock and confirmed 8 hours of sleep, which was awesome. Still catching up on sleep, as always... I decided to watch the Subnautica: Below Zero playthrough I've been following in bed to start the day. Depression and grief thing. I watched the same streamer do a playthrough of Project Zomboid when my dog died, so... I don't know, it's weirdly comforting, in a grim kinda way. Like my dog and cat are together now. And it reminds me of how my cat would cuddle with me and grieve with me. I'm very enraptured with the Subnautica playthrough, I love the series. I just cut an episode short to write this.

I was watching that, and lazily trying to navigate Bumble... with very little luck... I swear, these dating apps are just... it's pure depression fuel. In the 4 years that I've been on Bumble and Hinge, I have had 2 successful matches. One was a very brief text exchange through the app over the course of one night which just... evaporated... like I've had more personal conversations with cashiers before... and the other was an alcoholic woman with an STD who just separated from her husband, and just got out of a psych ward for reasons she didn't fully disclose... though who am I to judge, I've been to mental health facilities as well, but my intakes were voluntary so... I feel like my lesson to learn there was to... get more info... or run... still not 100% sure. This woman, a week after my dog died, brought the skeletons of 3 goats over to my home, made me watch Bo Burnham's special about how he was in the same type of isolation as me during the pandemic, gave me one of the worst panic attacks of my life... which I miraculously recovered from within less than 5 minutes... and then... she got freaked out and left. Called me the next day to do the whole, "it's not you, it's me..." And I - to myself, of course - wholeheartedly agreed with her. She needs help, first from herself, then from others. So... let's just say I haven't had a lot of luck with dating apps... XD

My morning was disrupted by the neighbors above running what sounded like... I mean, I guess it was a vacuum? Or maybe a steam cleaner? But it sounded like an industrial autoclave or something. Like, it sounded big and fuckin loud. And it was like... 10:30 AM? I was a little upset at first reaction, but made hay pretty quick. I went downstairs and decided that the best thing I could do was something with headphones on. I decided to pop on the cans and start polishing a new stone. I haven't done that in a long time. I had been using the tumbler for most of my stones and I'm still waiting on the new polish. (OH but I did get my new yoga pants today so yay!) So I took one of the stones my mom mailed to me from her new driveway that she found that she liked a lot and I worked that thing for 2 fucking hours. I really enjoy hand-faceting stones, it's hard work but I find it very rewarding. I wish I had some sort of rig to hold the stone stable so I could be a bit more deliberate and consistent with my angles, but this was a very organic shape so I just sorta went with it, abandoned symmetry entirely and I think it still came out really nice. And the stone was much softer than I was expecting. I think it's veins of calcite running through slate or something? I don't know, I'm not a geologist, I just like making pretty things prettier.

I did yoga. It was really quick today, just like 10-15 minutes. But it had that pose where you go from downward dog and lift one leg? And you're supposed to have your down leg rooted at your heel... but I can't get myself into downward dog and plant my heels. So I kept fumbling around with it and bringing my hands closer in to compensate... and then I was supposed to like... curl my leg above me and stack my hips, while keeping both hands planted. And I just... I could do it on my left side kinda I guess, with my right foot planted, but once we switched I was just falling over. It's frustrating. But, to be fair to myself, my flexibility has massively improved overall. Like I went to stretch my hamstrings earlier and I could touch the floor, which... well, it's been a while.

I took a shower and started to get ready for meeting up with my brother, nephew and sister-in-law for dinner. We went to a really nice chinese restaurant in town - I mean like... really fancy. Like way above any budget I'd be earning in my lifetime. And my socially oblivious ass just doesn't even mention the bill, which is honestly probably a godsend for them that they don't have to deal with the awkwardness of insisting on paying for the expensive meal they suggested. Idk, my brother works in the stock market and my sister in law is a doctor, and I'm a fucking artist who doesn't sell anything so... I'm just gonna kinda assume it's pretty obvious I won't be paying for dinner... XD

I got there early and parked in a parking garage I haven't parked in in... probably 15 years? They don't do paper tickets anymore, it was super confusing, I had no idea what to do. I fumbled around with the app thing on my phone but I didn't want to take my credit card out in a parking garage to put my number into it, because... I mean, there was a homeless guy yelling across the street at the entrance so like... yeah. So I just said fuck it. I walked down this main street, it's like... one of those streets in a city that is specifically for walking only, you know? And it's just lined with shops and shit. When I used to live in this city, my apartment was a block from the top of this street, and my community college was halfway down the street, so I spent a ton of time there. I mean, I remember sitting on a big rock on the street playing guitar for people, busking and making enough to buy coffee. That's a fond memory. I was so much more confident back then.

Now... I was super overwhelmed. I was amazed, and intrigued by everything. The buildings felt very tall around me, I recognized nearly none of the shops. I found some cool new age shops and a skate shop and I was interested in checking them out, but I didn't have time. I had to get the reservation for my brother and them, they were running late. On my way to the restaurant, a homeless guy asked me if I had a few dollars to spare. And to make it clear how long it has been since I have encountered this... they used to ask "do you have any spare change". And now, with inflation and fucking stupid costs of living, he asked "do you have some spare cash", and even a few dollars isn't enough for these poor people. Imagine how insulted and angry that guy would be if I gave him a 50 cents. I... kept staring wide-eyed at the buildings as I walked by and pretended I didn't hear him. I felt really bad. I did have some spare cash, but... I remembered that in my... inattentiveness... I keep forgetting to take the cash out of my wallet. I don't have anywhere else to put it, frankly. And inside my wallet, I have the cash that the administrator of the retreat I went to to detox off meds gave me for an illustration commission. It was like $400. I'm not fucking kidding. And I don't know what to do with this cash because like... who the fuck breaks a $100 in 2023? And I never leave my damn house. And I don't want to like... leave it in some random doom drawer in my house, it'll just disappear. I don't know what to do with it, honest. So like... I just have it in my wallet. And I'm walking by this guy and going, "I know I have cash, but I also know if that fucker sees that I have over $400 and a pair of AirPods on me, he's taking all of it or I'm getting stabbed." And, to top it off, I'm fucking alone. So... yeah, I was super fucking anxious. And I think rightfully so. It went fine, obviously, but like... that shook me a bit.

I should really just get rid of that cash, I guess I can go to my bank? And see if I can deposit it somehow? It's not like I can feed it into an ATM or something. I'm so fucking dumb with this stuff, I swear, no one taught me any of this. It's super embarrassing. So yeah, maybe I'd be less panicky if I didn't have that cash on me.

Dinner was great. Great to see my nephew, a riot as always. Good catching up and chilling. We did this thing at the restaurant where the chef just picked what we were going to eat and they just brought a bunch of courses out for us. All vegetarian, because my brother has been vegetarian since... I'm gonna venture to say since Clinton was in office. Which was actually cool with me, because I don't like fish - never ate it my entire life, never got a taste for it so it's super overwhelming to my senses now - and I don't really like beef either. Just pork and chicken for me, usually just chicken, if I'm being honest. The food was a big adventure of new flavors, things I'd probably never order off a menu myself. So, it was a big wave of new experiences today.

I was super overwhelmed at the beginning of dinner, and super drowsy because the sun was going down. That's been happening a lot lately. But I bounced back after getting a pot of Jasmine tea in me.

I noticed, in reflection after the fact, that I talk very openly and frequently about my mental health. And I'm starting to think that might not be a good thing. I know it's habit, I mean... how could it not be? Like... since about... 2018? The vast majority of my social interactions have been revolving around mental health. And by vast majority, I mean like.. 80-90% of my conversations, no exaggeration. When that is your life, when every conversation is like a therapy session (or actually is a therapy session), you really are forced to get comfortable with sharing. Like... if you go to group therapy and never speak up, you're just cheating yourself. So, powering through those reflexes and getting comfortable with talking about my mental health has actually... tipped into the realm of maybe being awkward for people.

Like... I'm talking to my sister-in-law about how my PTSD makes it hard for me to open up to a doctor in only 15 minutes, like I start freezing and stumbling over my words on simple questions and shit, and how I can only imagine how hard it makes their job to try to get all the information and diagnose and set up treatment and everything in 15 fucking minutes! Something is just going horribly wrong there. But like... I'm just hoping I'm not making things awkward. I really don't even notice it anymore, like... the way I spoke to them, the way I speak to my therapist and the way I speak here are all like... basically identical. It's just... my thoughts. My pure thoughts. I still have some boundaries, I mean it's not like they need to know about my sexual habits or how my hemorrhoids are doing, especially at a dinner table... But I'm afraid it might be awkward for them to talk about mental health stuff. I don't know, it's hard to tell. Maybe I should ask at some point?

After dinner, I went home. It was pretty warm today, I was getting bummed as I drove back that all the snow was melting. I was getting a big craving to go skate. And then I saw this dude slip on ice as he was walking back from a night class, when I drove by a local college. And he didn't know I saw him, I pretended I didn't see so he didn't feel embarrassed, not that he should be, it's like the lowest friction substance in the fucking world... And that planted a seed, which sprouted once I got to the rotary park where I skate. I scouted it out as I drove by - there was still snow. I pulled into my "car park", as my South African accented Siri likes to call it, which makes me smile. And as I walked in, I put my foot in a pile of snow by the door to see what the conditions were like. The snow was something close to the condition of like... a Slurpee, or something. If you're not American and don't know what that is, I don't know how to help you, like... a slushie? Like that kind of snow/ice. Like sleet that is cold enough to take solid form. That kind of snow is... not ideal because it's right on the edge of going to slush and certain ground/stone/pavement can retain heat... and the friction and pressure from skating can just turn that snow right into a slow, wet, soggy mess. But if the temperature is low enough... you get all the packability of wet snow, and that slush effect doesn't happen, and it also doesn't instantly turn to ice like it does on colder nights... And that's pretty much the conditions I got to work with tonight. So I stretched and I went skating.

But my dumb ass didn't bring my water bottle.

I tried skating the 2-stair, but that whole warm stone turning packed snow into slush thing? That was happening right where I was supposed to pop. Right at the lip of the first stair. It was just crap. But there was snow all over. I skated flatground for a while. My ollie was doing really well today, very consistent, good pop too. I was getting more comfortable and accurate with pop shuvits. I couldn't land a 3 shuv to save my life, unfortunately, when it's slushier it feels tougher to get that extra rotation because the snow has more give to it. At least that's what my head tells me. But I got a moving kickflip, maybe 2? I don't remember. Then I went to that section where I had a long downhill section of sidewalk to build speed and a natural kicker where it goes flat and then inclines down again, and I skated that for a bit until a dude came over and just... sat like 25 feet away from where that ramp was... I got paranoid and stopped skating it for a bit. Then I saw a smoke cloud come from there. And I'm sure it was just weed smoke, and it was probably some college kid who just couldn't smoke in his apartment and wanted to smoke somewhere chill, so he chose the park at like 9PM alone. I get it, I just... I was really anxious from earlier, and in general, so I just stopped skating that spot. I went over to the 4-stair, landed it at least 3 times. Went back to flat and started trying to get varial flip. I've never had it... perfectly consistent. Like... I've landed a few and I got pretty good at them, but I was never really consistent. There was a point where I could pull out kickflip and heelflip (on the right surfaces, at least) pretty much every try. Less so with heelflip, but still. Varial flip was never at that level. But today, I landed like 3 on flat not moving. I clearly remember a moment where it just clicked and I was like "oh, that's what it feels like!" And it felt as easy as a shuvit and I just popped, flicked, floated and the board just lined up right under my feet. And I came damn close to landing it moving, but I just couldn't stick it. I had to tap out.

What I kinda want to get off my chest - which is a fun way of putting it, once you see what I'm gonna talk about - was something I was freaking out about while skating. When I went to the doctor's office, they told me I have high blood pressure. Like... that's not heart rate, right? Like... pressure is different. And they were going to check it again to see if it was just anxiety, but like... they didn't. So that lack of resolution has just been sticking with me. And I got really anxious about it today. Like, I was getting chest pains and tightness and shit. And I've been getting that a lot from anxiety, so like... if I was having actual heart and pulmonary issues, I probably wouldn't notice, honestly. So I would just get a lot of invasive thoughts about like... exercising too hard, pushing myself too hard and then just fucking passing out and collapsing in the park. Like... I'm old now, or something. And I like... I'm not that old. I keep hearing people around my age, mid-30's, and they keep acting like they're in their fucking 60's or something. It's fucking weird, sorry. Like, my body aches too, guys. My back feels like garbage, my neck and posture are fucked, my hips have decided to secede and are staging regular protests against the rest of my body. I'm tired all the time, when I get hurt it takes a lot more to get me back up, I get tired quicker, shit like that. But I'm not fucking old. The people who consider me old don't consider themselves young and they're like 18. So... I'll consider calling myself old when I get to my mid 50s or something, thanks. But on the pulmonary front, I want to make sure I'm not being too cavalier and overlooking potential health issues that are avoidable, because I do have a history of blood-related issues (clots) and I do not have the best diet. I actually have a pretty poor diet. So... yeah, just wanna make sure that didn't creep up on me, and today was especially bad anxiety-wise in that department.

But, on the plus side, some kids saw me skating from their apartment... and they actually saw me land my first varial flip of the year and fucking cheered! I was listening to music in my headphones so I was just oblivious to the outside world, and they cheered so loud that I could hear them! It made me so happy. I wanted to say something about like... if there are any gods that give a fuck about them, I hope they throw some good stuff their way, but man, it's been a hot minute since I've heard anyone talk about religion publicly and that... feels a bit scary, honestly. Feels like people are just gonna come after you if you're polytheistic in 2023, you know? Weird shit, when we're supposed to be all evolved and progressive and whatever but yeah. I guess... I hope good fortune finds those two young men, for bringing excitement and joy to the heart of this grieving, depressed 36 year old snowskater.

Since I didn't have water, I ate a bunch of snow when I was out, but that wasn't nearly enough and I just came back early. And that was basically my night. I finished the night by polishing another one of those stones and watching another "episode" and a half of the Subnautica VoDs. Now I'm here.

Another cool idea I had, which I shared with my brother because I know he's really into languages... I decided to search Twitch today for streamers who speak French. I took 3 years of French in college, and I surprisingly still understand a lot. I could never speak it, but I can read it okay, just really slow. So I found someone who was playing League of Legends, a game I am pretty familiar with (but haven't played in like... 5 years?) and just... had that going in the background. And I got the Google Translate app thing for Chrome so I can just select a word that I don't know in the chat and it will real-time translate for me. I could follow a surprising amount, considering I haven't studied French since like... 2004. Wow, almost 20 years. Crazy. I'm pretty sure if I keep that up and just periodically try to like... figure out where they are in conversation? I'm sure I'll start picking up more and more. And maybe eventually I'll be able to chime in some short sentences every now and again. Who knows. I thought it was cool, something new to spice things up and to contribute to intellectual/skill development.

I am fucking tired. I need to go to bed. Byeeee.

[the-v-lociraptor]

Now adding, Relationship chart!

Some explanations under the cut

First years:

Adeuce (or in Yuliy's case AC/DC) - the living embodiment of the "WHEN WILL YOU LEARN" vine, UNLESS whatever is happening is funny. Part of the gaggle of "little brothers". Yuliy's very proud of Deuce and his efforts of straightening up his act and thinks that Ace should apply himself more - he isn't stupid, he just needs to put some of that energy to a good use.

Jack - This boy can fit so many headpats on that head! In a way, Jack reminds Yuliy of himself with how caring he is and how conscious he is. Another of the "little brothers". When Yuliy's gone, he trusts that Jack's in charge.

Epel - Country boy, i love youuuuuuu. At first, Yuliy was pretty neutral on Epel. However during the events of Chapter 5, he saw how hard-working Epel was and felt a kindered spirit in him. Yuliy himself had a lot of unlearning to do, and still struggles with his own personality issues. (Don't tell Vil, but he's teaching Epel swearing in bulgarian) Into the little brother pile he goes!

Ortho - Babiest baby brother! Step the fuck aside Idia, Yuliy's stealing this one <333 Jokes aside, Yuliy does care quite a bit for Ortho. Something about him just makes Yuliy unlock that elder brother instinct. Just maybe,,,, ease up on the kaboom lasers when things don't go your way, okay?

Sebek - I'm so sorry, Sebek stans, but Yuliy did not like this child from the get go. At first, he found him only mildly annoying due to his volume, but soon found issue with his opinions on humanity and other stuff. Listen, Yuliy's aware that Sebek's still growing and that his opinions are still geting shaped, buuuut that doesn't mean that one of these days he won't pull the future knight to the Twisted Wonderland's equivalent to a Taco Bell parking lot and let him catch these hands

Second years:

Riddle - Love of his life, light of his soul, Queen to his Jester and so on and so forth (I love him sm owo) Yuliy found Riddle striking from the first moment he saw him. At first, he only saw him as an attractive little thing with a pretty explosive temper (Riddle's tantrums and his banishment of AC/DC caused Yuliy and them to get that close in the first place) but during Riddle's overblot he felt sympathy towards him and vowed to help him with his issues if Riddle would let him. They do alot of emotional growth together, with learning to manage each of their tempers and coming to grips with their struggles - Riddle with his upbringing and Yuliy with his weirdly situational amnesia. Because of that fact, they spent alot of time with each other and and began to care for each other as people, and eventually feelings happened (though AC/DC like to joke that it was "Love at first punch" - Yuliy apologized up, down and sideways for punching Riddle, but at the time that was the only thing he managed to think of) Yuliy asked Riddle out after the VDC after dedicating a song to him while they were taking the stereo systems down. (As per Cater and Kalim's idea)

Ruggie - Yuliy's not that close with Ruggie. Only really crossing paths with him while on Leona business and Yuliy just so happens to be there. Despite that, Yuliy thinks that with a little more time they could actually be pretty decent friends and his balkan upbringing makes him want to coddle and feed the guy stuff because look at how skinny he is!

Azul - Yuliy swears up, down and sideways that he doesn't even KNOW how he and Azul ended up as best friends. He doesn't know. One day he woke up, went to club activities, and ended up with an octopus-charm friendship bracelet (lmao) In all seriousness, everyone (himself included) was surprised he picked the Board Games club as opposed to Light Pop Music club, considering how close he was with Kalim and Cater (and to an extension Lilia) However, Yuliy likes the calmer atmosphere and at first he only joined to chill and to watch the games happening. Soon, however, he discovered he was quite adept with card games and had a scarily good poker face. More often than not, he's there to menacingly glare up at Azul from behind whoever is the new client's shoulder with the words "Do NOT" written in his gaze. The Fish mafia's mildly criminal record dropped by 20% since that day. He does genuinely care for Azul, and admittedly the Octavinelle's housewarden has some great qualities, which is why they (somehow) click

The Leech twins - Oh, boy. (Affectionate) "WHEN WILL YOU LEARN" 2.0. To a lesser extent than AC/DC, Yuliy's there to grab the tweels by the backs of their necks like scruffy kittens. Floyd is easy enough to manage - testing the limits to what Mackerel can negate provides enough enrichment as well as offensive magic training for the eel, they bond over fish puns and Yuliy doesn't mind the squeezing. Jade is less straight-forward, but that doesn't mean that Yuliy cares for him any less. They all bond over caring for Azul, as well as bullying him by getting octopus-flavored things.

Kalim - The gaggle of brothers GROWS! Kalim is a welcome difference in the way most people at NRC operate. He's very honest and open with his feelings, as well as being positive, and that kind of optimism is what Yuliy admires him for. Plus he reminds Yuliy of a pomeranian and he has caught himself thinging about how much he wants to squeeze Kalim's cheeks.

Jamil - Oh boy. (Derogarory) Nope. Nuh uh. No can do. Jamil can be a nice person, and Yuliy does see that he has made some moves to work on his problems. Buuuut, he still doesn't like him. He will be civil, even pleasant, but only for Kalim's sake. Plus it doesn't help that Jamil is kind of hypocritical - not without reason, of course, but that's not an excuse. Maybe in the future they can be acquaintances or closer. Not anytime soon though

Silver - The other best friend. They got introduced to each other accidentally twice - once by Riddle by virtue of Equestrian club while Yuliy came to visit, and the second time by Lilia. Afterwards Yuliy came to see Silver pop up virtually everywhere, snoozing on without a care for the elements, took it upon himself to make sure Silver doesn't get a cold. Silver is Yuliy's swordfighting buddy, and they often discuss stuff while crossing swords. Silver is very wise due to being raised by fae, but he's also pretty naive, and those views made for an interesting perspective as well as interesting opinions. Silver's also the first person (minus AC/DC) that Yuliy told about his feelings for Riddle, and what it means for him. With how close they are, sooner or later Yuliy might mentally classify Silver to his gaggle of brothers.

Third years:

Cater - Cater is a friend of Yuliy's, as well as an unfortunate photographer in the moments Cater decides he wants a full-body shot. Cater's the Gossip King of NRC, and that is a known fact. Yuliy likes to hear the tea, he lives for the tea. Thus, they can be often found gossipping together about this or that. Cater also sniffed out his crush on Riddle like a bloodhound and often gave (admittedly bad, but hilarious) advice about it. Good pal, 10/10, Yuliy just hopes that he'll look inside himself for once and like what he sees there - what he really sees, instead of that mask he wears.

Trey - Ah yes, how do i begin explaining Trey. Yuliy's had alot of experience with Trey by virtue of being one of the only people capable to help around in the Heartslabyul kitchen and not explode something. They often share recipes which often ends up with Yuliy reminiscing of a fractured memory or two, and Trey offering some brotherly advice. They have a good relationship, but still most of their closeness ends up by virtue of the others around them - it's very rare that they can manage to find a common topic. Well, at least the silence is comforting (That and they're both some sort of a shithead)

Leona - Heeeeere, kitty, kitty. Another unexplainable friendship. Although not as close as Azul, Leona is one of Yuliy's friends that he can enjoy a calmer moment with, more often than not either across a chess board, or with some snores beside him. Leona is one of those people that bottle his frustrations until they explode, being snappy and cranky, and Yuliy lets him vent when they both agree that that's what they'll do. All in all, they actually have a pretty healthy friendship.

Vil - They aren't close. That one's a given. However, they aren't quick acquaintances. Instead they dance along the line of being friends and not as close depending on the time of day. Yuliy started out having a crush on the man in the first days of his NRC life, but he quickly got over that. Vil's very knowledgable of things both in and out of NRC, by virtue of being a celebrity, and Yuliy's a surprisingly eager student in the ways of, for example, fashion, with a very definite style. They do have alot of deeper discussions, but what they both agree on is being very casual. Being Vulnerable is not Vil's cup of tea and Yuliy respects that, just as he respects the hustle.

Rook - A facepalm waiting to happen. Rook's very eccentric, almost too much for Yuliy's taste. Still, he can respect comitting to the bit, and he isn't one to rain on one man's parade. The hunter's an enigma and what Yuliy manages to glimpse under the mask only confuses him more. Well, whatever floats his boat?

Idia - Girl help, the blue-haired men are fightinggggg. Okay, Yuliy and Idia were on a steady road of becoming friends - with their shared interest of pop-culture, and their shared affection for Ortho. However. However, that all changed when chapter 6 happened. Once Yuliy found out that Idia took both Grim, and more importantly RIDDLE (and of course Azul and Leona), it was game over. That man snapped. Idia can only be happy that he's as much of a shut-in, because Yuliy swore that the moment he sees him, it's on sight. He might get over it, soon enough, but not right now. Nuh uh, no sir, it's an MMA smackdown in the making.

Malleus - Friendly neighbourhood walking confusion. Yuliy knows Malleus means well. The simple fact that he's willing to give advice even if he doesn't know he's giving it, as well as gushing over his interests show that he's a good guy. Still, he confuses Yuliy so so much. Nice chat though, Tsunotarou, 10/10 would talk to again

Lilia - They're friends...ish? He hopes? Lilia's one of those people that can say the most disturbing shit with a grin, so Yuliy can't be sure how much of what he says is genuine. Still, he can see he's a decent guy from Silver and Kalim and Cater, and that's enough for him right now

*Rammstein blaring in the distance*

Hey, TWST fandom, am i hip with them kids already sahcgfvdv

template made by the lovely @unfinished-projects-galore

[More Info]

Nicknames:

Henchman (Grim) | Cherno (Ace & Deuce)* | Mackerel (Floyd) | Trickster, Monsieur Blanc/Noir (Rook) | Child of Man Fate, Nothingness (Malleus)

*In return he calls Ace & Deuce AC/DC

Bio:

Most would attest that he is a man of few words, though that would not be exactly true. Indeed, he's on the quiet side and often than not relishes in silence, taking to speaking in a whisper that might as well have been a light breeze washing over you, but that's not to say he's meek and to think so would be doing his character a disservice. He strives to be a calming presence, but that is not always the case. There are moments where he seemingly flips a switch and exhibits anger that would put Howswarden Rosehearts to shame and plays up a dangerous persona.

He may be a (mainly) gentle soul, but is not above general fuckery. As any teenager he has a mild case of a rebel phase, however the most he has done is graffiti. The best general descriptor one could give for him is Chaos Enabler, in which case he would join any and all things, if only to satisfy his own amusement as he's a very gossip oriented type of person.

His love language is acts of service, and he would help those he cares about with random tasks ranging from attempting to study with them, bringing them warm clothes and other similar doings. Is that BoyTM you could ask for a painkiller, a pad, or some chocolate.

Additional information:

Dominant hand: Ambidextrous

Pet Peeves: Shoes in the house

Habits: Randomly hums music from his own world (either something by Rammstein/Metallica/other band, or Balkan turbofolk, no in between)

Talent: Punching overblots out of people And making banica and baklava

Background:

A strange boy with fragments of memories and a knack for showing up exactly where he shouldn't. Coming from seemingly nowhere in Twisted Wonderland, yet falling into place as if he belongs there, with only his name and a ring with a black-and-white gem, and two different personalities, that can switch at the drop of a hat, who's to say who Yuliy Chernov really is?

Extras:

Is actually more of a dog person

Can swordfight

Has a RIDICULOUSLY high pain tolerance while in his "Black" persona, to the point of no reaction. "White" Yuliy, however, feels all the pain and is very vocal about it.

Currently doesn't know that he negates magic, he only thinks he got lucky when fighting the overblots

When Ace wants to annoy him, due to Yuliy literally translating to Julius, which is derived from July, he calls him August

Notes:

Yuliy is based on Chernobog (from Fantasia), but with a bit more leaning towards mythology.

In Slavic mythology, Chernobog, the evil "Black" god is in a dyad with Belobog, the good "white" god. In some retellings, they are said to be the two sides of the same deity.

Therefore, we have Black Yuliy and White Yuliy.

-PEACE OUT-

[biceratops7]

Can we just acknowledge how ofmd said “twink rights” for a moment?

Ok wait hear me out, it is legitimately so weirdly rare to see media centered around queerness that sees effeminate gay men as diverse, complex, and invaluable to our community. More historically it’s been used as cinematic shorthand for (often negative) queer coding, but now a days it’s either a token or something to point at and go “We’re gay but not like those guys, we’re normal people.” (Looking at you Love Simon…)

And then we have Our Flag Means Death, which has a bare minimum of three effeminate gay men, all completely different from each other in several areas. All having their presentation of queerness treated as a strength by the series.

First we have Lucius. He’s the first openly gay character we meet and is easily the most “stereotypical.” However these things are deconstructed and seen as healthy character traits. For example in episode 5, Lucius is shown to “get around” if you know what I mean. Usually this is seen as dangerous or immoral by the narrative, but ofmd completely turns that on its head when it’s revealed not only that his boyfriend knows about it, but the whole ship does and supports it. “We don’t own each other” takes a commonly frowned upon stereotype of gay men and asks why it’s even seen as bad in the first place. What’s wrong with an adult who enjoys open sex with other consenting parties? It’s precisely Lucius’s pride and the crew’s acceptance of it that wins them a victory against Izzy.

Another thing about Lucius is that he’s easily one of the most self actualized characters in the show. Normally when this happens it’s used in the “gay best friend” trope, where you’re a straight but “woke” blonde lady who’s uber confident twink friend gives great advice. You know, that one? Accept here Lucius’s strong sense of self concept and knowledge of healthy relationships are used to help his own community. Often times effeminate gay men either can’t hide their queerness or just choose not to, because of that “twinks” are often seen protecting or mentoring younger/ newer members of our community, and that role is incredibly important and deserving of respect.

Alright now let’s move from that to the dude with a giant beard who is so stereotypically manly he’s rumored to carry nine guns. That’s right, Blackbeard is low key a twink and I will fight to the death on this hill.

I’ve already touched on my reasoning behind that in this post, but what I didn’t mention is that these attributes are not only acceptable by the narrative but staunchly encouraged.

When Ed’s taking part in these things he’s growing as a character, he’s putting his past behind him and becoming the healthiest version of himself. Even when he’s just straight up having a mental breakdown throwing himself into these softer things is used as symbolism for healthy coping strategies like being honest about what’s wrong and opening up to people who care about you.

This is in stark contrast with him violently throwing away every trace of it. His abrupt return to traditional masculinity (and casual murder, but you know, pirates) is treated as a moment of weakness made in desperation, one he quickly realizes didn’t work at all. But now it’s too late.

And then there’s Stede, I won’t say much about him because it’s pretty simple. Stede’s “effeminate” traits are seen as negatives by the people we’re supposed to dislike (Izzy, the twins, his father, etc.), but a big theme of the series is showing that those people were wrong and painting them as strengths. He’s at his best when he uses less traditionally masculine traits, the show actually frames them as valuable skills. 

His attitude on being emotionally open makes a HUGE positive impact on Ed’s life and eventually endears his crew to him, making them all incredibly close. His knowledge and liking for “fine things” is something he and Ed share together and is the first thing they connect over. The show isn’t about Stede becoming a better man despite these attributes, it about him becoming a better man because of them. Because he chooses to share them with someone who finds them charming and loves him for who he is instead.

[mysticchessecake]

Concept of a ROTTMNT X TMNT 2012 fanfic: Mikey switches body with...Mikey???

AN- I am still getting familiar with writing rise and the 2012 bros

It was a cold and stormy night. The turtles are patrolling the ghost town known as new york. Raph is complaining that they shouldn't be patrolling in this type of weather.

Leo is arguing that they need to check just in case the foot or someone is doing something shady. And Donnie is tired.

While Mikey...is just admiring the weird lightning. It's glowy and orange. And beautiful, every time the lightning strikes it forms beautiful artistic shapes. That looks like it was manually drawn. It also has a weirdly comforting aura.

Donnie realizes that Mikey hasn't been talking about that much and used the remaining energy he has to look at what Mikey is looking at.

Donnie sees the weird lightning and as much as he wants to nerd out about this abnormal lightning. He knows it might not be safe for his brothers or himself since he never saw this abnormal discovery.

Donnie breaks the petty argument with Raph and Leo and told them that they should go home because no sane person would go out in this type of weather.

Also, Donnie mentioned that there was strange lightning and that they should probably stay in the lair where it's safe.

Leo agrees and the trio leaves to go back home. Until they realize that Mikey is not there, they are already near a manhole entrance and the storm is getting worse. Not to mention the weird lightning is getting more and more aggressive!

Leo tells Donnie and Raph to go back to the lair. Then Leo rushed to get Mikey. Not realizing that the lightning is getting more and more aggressive and loud.

Leo spots Mikey still admiring the terrifying lightning, tuning everything out. Mikey didn't even realize Leo was shouting his name. Leo was gonna grab Mikey until.

Mikey gets struck by lightning. He was screaming and the weird lightning looked to be electrical? Mikey's body was glowing, and cracks forming around his arms. Leo was screaming Mikey's name.

Then it stopped. Mikey's body fell to the ground. Leo rushed to check on his younger brother's injuries. Leo felt a slight electrical shock when he touched Mikey's arms.

Leo didn't care. He checked for the heartbeat to be relieved. Mikey is still alive. Leo picked up his brother and went to the lair. He rushed to Donnie's lab ignoring Raph's questions.

Leo told Donnie everything, Donnie checks Mikey's injuries. To his surprise, Mikey's injuries aren't too major. He notices scars of cracks on his skin but that's it. Mikey did smell as if he got electrocuted but he didn't show signs of any major injuries.

Raph is just there watching this thing unfold. Leo is not convinced and is sitting in the lab worried. Raph just went back to reading comics while Donnie fell asleep on his desk.

Mikey suddenly starts to wake up, Leo notices and watches Mikey slowly opens his eyes. Except for his eyes are different. Electric yellow eyes instead of his baby blue eyes.

It was clear that Mikey didn't have that much energy to do anything. He was after all struck by lightning. He did have enough energy to stay awake.

Leo rushed to wake Donnie up. When Donnie woke up, Leo told Donnie about Mikey's weird new eye color.

Donnie checks to see if Leo is right. And to his surprise, Mikey did have that electric yellow eyes.

But Donnie didn't know that. This is just the beginning

Some things to know:

1. Mostly 2012 and Rise! Mikey centric

2. No bashing

3. Will have my personal headcanons

4. Takes place after the movie

5. Mikey has the body of 2012 but with yellow eyes and some faded cracks that somehow followed him in this body.

6. Mikey keeps his mystic powers

7. Mikey somehow has his mystic weapon

8. No 2012 ships. Aside from 1 sided love that won't go anywhere.

(Rise ships are only mentioned- April X Sunita, Warren X Hypno)

9. Might take place around S3

10. Mikey will throw stuff at the enemy.

11. Mikey Dr. Feelings has a therapy session with 2012

12. Mikey will paint the lair somehow

[lfc21]

Take my hand

This is my first imagine based on a tik tok trend! I hope you enjoy it, please leave your feedback in the comments! Tik tok trend: click here

-

Tik tok was of course the place to be everyday and every night with thousands of new trends begging to be shown every single day. You started to become slightly obsessed with watching some of the trends and funny videos which of course forced kostas into liking it just as much. Over a few days you had been seeing a huge amount of videos of girlfriends holding their hand out to their partner to see what they would do and you couldn't help but think it would be such a funny video to make. Kostas wasn't particularly clued up on everything and he was always the first person to get confused upon the simplest of things (weirdly this was something you actually loved about him).

Since you woke up you where trying to find the perfect time to do it and only now at 5 o'clock in the evening where you ready to carry out the tik tok. You where sat on the living room floor with your dogs next to you sorting threw a bunch of old pictures you had accumulated over the years whilst kostas was busy watching a film you had no interest in watching. Kostas was indulged in his own little world enjoying the scenes playing infront of his eyes and it was definitely show time. You took your phone from your hoodie pocket and quickly opened the camera proceeding to press record, you carefully sat up on your knees being careful to not mess up the neat piles of pictures and directed the phone at kostas but not to noticeable to the point he was going to ask a million and one questions as to why you where recording him.

"Kostas?" You said infront of him and the couch causing his head to look up from the arm of the couch where he was lieing. You placed your hand out infront of him with a smile and waited upon his reaction.

"What?" He asked with a confused tone sitting up from his position looking at your hand infront of him. You laughed to yourself aswell as making sure your phone was still recording. All you did was wiggle your hand at him to get his attention upon the idea that he had a relation to your hand.

"Did you get new nails or something? Wait no you can't have you got them done like last week" he reassured himself yet still grabbing your hand gently and moving your acrylics closer to him so he could have a closer look to see if anything had changed.

"Babe what?" He said with a laugh whilst looking at your nails noticing your nails still presented a baby pink colour which you had gotten done not long ago.

"My hand!" You said in a very high pitched tone wanting the attention to set in his brain.

"Well I know its your hand! But what about it?" He said running his hand through his blonde curls with a confused look spread across his face.

"What do you do with my hand?" You softly said with puppy eyes letting him know that this was something he should be aware of.

"I don't know" he laughed repeating his confused words again. He looked back at the tv completely ignoring your actions towards him as he was missing more than he would of liked to of his film. Your boyfriend layed himself back down on the couch enjoying the film showing to your camera he had nothing but grey sweat pants on.

"Fine then" you said jokingly in a mood whilst you walked back to your spot on the floor with your two dogs looking intently at you. Your phone was still recording and now you had rested it on the modern fire place under neath the huge TV giving a clear view on you, your dogs and kostas.

"If these two can do it and you can't we are over!" You laughed aiming it at your boyfriend who was now watching you with the two dogs carefully. You placed both of your hands out to both dogs causing there large paws to gently fall upon your palms.

"Oh my god! They did it!!!! Yaaaaaaaay" you shouted giving your dogs the biggest cuddles as they barked up at you aswell as giving many sloppy kisses as a result of your praise towards them.

"Oh noooo!! Nooo! I can hold your hand noo wait" he said with a needy tone jumping off the couch with a run towards you and grabbing your small hands. He held them both gently whilst pulling you up to him once your dogs had disperced from their needy moment.

"You didn't do it" you said once you where eye level with your boyfriend. He pulled your hands up to your eyes and showed you your fingers intertwined.

"But I have now" he giggled letting go quickly and pulling you up onto his waist letting you wrap your arms and legs around his waist. He kissed your lips softly feeling your lips move in sync with one another.

Although kostas lacked in romance when it came to the trend you had fell into and posted all of your fans had become obsessed with it and begged for more of you both and your gorgeous dogs.

I really hope you enjoyed this! Please feel free to leave feedback! Favourite accounts at the moment: @prettylittletrent @mrs-henderson @daddyhendo @hnrfc @travellvogue @weddingdisco @avenirdelight

[zuretha-metal]

Update 8/27/23

Hey, y'all. These oast couple months have been interesting. One of my physicians is moving on to the biggest and best job, my favorite coworkers quit, and we're officially down two nurses in-clinic. Podcasts might literally be the only thing holding me together, lol.

Penumbra S5: Okay, so this season so far has just sort of... made me cry? It wasn't much of a tearful reunion in Juno, but listening to them bicker like the old days and get back to the basics (the first thing that drew me in about this show was the space noir private eye vibes) was refreshing. So refreshing, in fact, that I went back and re-listened to, "The Case of the Murderous Mask", "The Train From Nowhere" -- the end of Season 1, Season 3 in it's entirety, and then I re-listened to Season 4 just to listen to Juno and Nureyev be in love and listen to Juno pine. The lady has some big emotions, and I love him for it. As for Second Citadel, that first scene of Season 5 hits like... really hard. And I was so scared for Talfrin, but then Angelo was there. The second he swooped in and announced himself, I started sobbing. I'm glad Damien was able to be reunited and that they've learned what is happening to their world. Quanyii is a little scary right now but I think I would be too if I took a magic edible and bad tripped my way through the Mirrored Planes and gained horrible knowledge and as soon as I woke up, I found out the love of my life had gone missing and the place was getting bombed. Definitely an understandable reaction. Our little lizard kissing boquet made me cry at the end of the episode. You know why. Last season brought everyone together only for this season to send them sprawling apart to possible doom.

Desert Skies -- I didn't get to listen to much of this yet, but it is a trip. If their frozen burrito aisle didn't send me, the fact that they refer ghosts glitching and having unfinished business by using the acronym "SUB"bing has my absolutely dying. I have no idea how to explain any of this to anyone, and it's still like...weirdly well-written. It's wholesome for being so, so nuanced.

Midnight Burger -- KB got burnt out about halfway through the second season. Still, I've got about 4 new episodes the listen to, and I'm very excited. We have a chaplain at our hospital who does the same three prayers on a loop, but she prays so nice it reminds me of Effie, and I actually feel better after hers.

Batman: The Audio Adventures -- This is great to listen to. It gives me spooky noir detective vibes and also lets me simp over a man who can't eat dinner until 2:22 in the morning because he's got two occupants in his mind. These voice actors are so good, and they paint a picture of Gotham that is so immersive and interesting. I had to stop listening so my boyfriend could catch up, so I'm excited to listen to more.

Things are so busy right now as our clinic transitions to make sure we can still see patients, and also because I've accepted a position in as an extra in a dinner theater production. Our first rehearsal is tonight, so wish me luck!

My Running Favorite Podcasts List:

The Penumbra Podcast - Juno Steel mysteries. I've dipped my toes into Second Citadel, not sure if I want to sacrifice my soul for it just yet. As for Juno's stuff, I would die for every member of the Carte Blanche and the first episode still gives me chills, even on the fourth relisten.

Welcome To Night Vale - my first podcast. My favorite baby. I listened to this thing walking the mile to and from campus and the mile across the highway to work for a year. I based my marching band tech assignments in Night Vale 's school district. Go Scorpions! (The web address is floating around somewhere out there if you're interested in the Big Rico's Sell-A-Slice fundraiser for new marching band uniforms!)

Good Morning Night Vale - Great recaps of episodes and the cast are just...abolsute goblins. Very feel-good. Good for my soul, good for yours, good for the All Mighty Glow Cloud's - all hail ❤

The Two Princes - Absolutely lovely. Short, dynamic, and absolutely charming. I listened to this one a while back and don't remember much except a totally relateable main character, a cursed forest -- also lots of gayness and a flying ship. Beauty and grace.

The Orbiting Human Circus - Strange. Very Pan's Labyrinth in the realm of, "reality?" I love the music and the old-timey feel. Still picking my way through the Naughty Till New Year's collection, but I'm a sucker for the stories they bring to the table.

The Magnus Archives - I cried a bunch. Made art. It's beautiful. The only smart man in this podcast is Joshua Gillespie. Amen to my man with all the braincells who said, "Put the key in a bowl of water and freeze it." I, of course, picked all of the stupid people as my favorites and all of them are dead. Except one.

Marsfall - Just started this one. Chaos. Amazing imagery. Also ANDI - I'd die for that sweet boy. And for some reason it just makes me think of Starkid's Starship? Bc like, it's detrimental AND campy. Excellent.