#i woke up at 5! and weirdly that is the only thing i loved about working 2 jobs

[kitkatstu-dies]

4/19/24

It's finals time! I'm exempt from most finals because I have an A, so I only have to take my lab finals, one more biology and anatomy exam, and my chemistry final! I have one class today, and after I'll start working on gathering everything together for these exams <3

[trash1129]

FLY HIGH | Chapter 5: Best of the best

Hogwarts. It was a place many of the students could call their second home; Their home away from home even. (Y/n) wasn’t an exception to this, hell, she could even call it her only home. It was the place where she found people that made her feel safe and excited to face a new day. It was the place where she learned how to put her magic to work. It was the place that she found her undeniable talent for Quidditch.

She’ll never forget the feeling of flying for the first time. Not only because Soonyoung nearly knocked her off her broom, but because it was the first time she felt so free. Gliding through the air and feeling the breeze hit her face.

When she learned about Quidditch it didn’t interest her much. She was far more interested in messing with Seungkwan and Chan when she could. It wasn’t until Mingyu begged her to help him to practice for try outs that she felt an intrigue to the sport. It also just so happened that the captain stumbled upon their little practice match and instantly scouted the two. (Eventually Hoshi tried out due to fomo and made it as well.)

(Y/n) never expected Quidditch to become such a big part of her life, but fate works in funny ways. She’ll never forget running up to her parents and telling them that she made the team and won almost every game that first season. It was the one time she’d seen them take genuine interest outside of work and in her instead. Though, it didn’t last long. While they were happy to flaunt they had a prodigy keeper as a daughter, that’s all they ever did. It was back to the same old routine of going home to an empty house at the end of every school year despite their “love” for their daughter’s new found talent.

That’s why the girl soon chose to focus on her own life. Her friends that had become her family and the sport that she felt was the only thing she could do without worry.

So when the news of potentially not being able to play for the season was broken to her, she panicked. This was one of the things she held dear to herself. The thing that made her feel like everything was right in the world. She needed to do something and do it fast.

Studying by herself obviously wasn’t the answer. Mingyu definitely wouldn’t help. Don’t even think about Soonyoung. Vernon? Already denied and she knew the others would follow in suit.

That’s why when Hoshi pitched to her the idea of asking one of Vernon’s housemates, she was over the moon.

It was genius.

The sound of quick footsteps echoed in the somewhat empty hallway leading to the grand hall. Everyone was happily chatting with their friends and sitting at each other’s house tables enjoying the peaceful morning.

The sound of someone fast approaching was quick to catch the attention of a certain friend group (who were happily chatting beforehand).

“(Y/n)? What took you so long?”

The rest of the boys look up to see an extremely excited looking (Y/n) approaching after Jun acknowledged her fast impending figure.

Chan’s eyebrows instantly furrowed when seeing the ecstatic look on the Gryffindor’s face, “for someone who woke up late you look weirdly happy…”

(Y/n) swiftly plopped down in between Soonyoung and Mingyu; That also happened to be conveniently across from Hansol.

“What? A girl can’t be excited to see her friends on such a fine morning such as this one?”

The table’s eyes instantly narrowed in slight suspicion (minus Mingyu who was too busy staring at the girl with stars in his eyes).

Seungkwan instantly spoke up, “Okay. What’s the deal? You are never this happy in the morning.” The Hufflepuff cut to the chase making the girl huff and cross her arms,

“Not true.”

“Yesterday morning you kicked Jun’s shin for asking for a bite of your toast.”

“One, I already apologized for that. Two, we all know how I am with food.” (Y/n) pointed out. Seungkwan simply just rolled his eyes as Jun rubbed his shin under the table at the memory of the previous morning.

Soonyoung then spoke up, “is this about the idea I pitched to you last night?” He asked while munching on some cereal.

“Oh god. That can’t be good,” Chan muttered under his breath causing Jun to elbow him slightly as a way of saying ‘Don’t be rude’. Both their attention turning back to the gryffindor trio sitting opposite of them. Mingyu’s eyebrow furrowing in slight confusion at the mention of a plan he wasn’t a part of.

“What idea?” He questioned.

The (e/c) eyed keeper instantly had a grin crawl across her face as she pointed her line of sight at Vernon. The boy quickly looked around in a slight panic once in the sights of the girl. (Y/n)’s grin grew at the reaction.

“Oh, just an idea on how to help me study.” She chirped.

Vernon instantly untensed at the line and let out a small sigh, “I already told you, (Y/n). I’m not going to tutor you. I’m doing this because It’s better for you-”

“Not you.” (Y/n) quickly cut him off.

“to focus- wait what?” The Ravenclaw responded dumbfounded by her response. His face instantly morphing into one of confusion. The rest of the table (minus Hoshi) following soon after.

Jun looked over at Hoshi and then back at (Y/n), “(Y/n), you know I love you but please don’t tell me that Hoshi is going to tutor you.” He said with a hint of worry in his voice making the Gryffindor shake her head violently in reply,

“Oh no no no. I wouldn’t trust him with teaching me anything.”

“Hey-” Soonyoung’s face turned into one of slight offense, but seeing as no one seemed to argue her point, he simply huffed and went back to eating his breakfast.

“Okay, then what is the plan?” Mingyu probed curiously. (Y/n) turned her head to face Mingyu and shot him a bright smile that caused the tall male to grow a bit red in the face.

“Why thank you for asking, Gyu!” She hummed out happily.

“Hansol,” her attention once again diverted to the ever more growing concerned Ravenclaw. “Ravenclaw. They tend to be smart.”

“I said this once, I’ll say it again. Ravenclaw doesn’t equal smart,”

“Yeah yeah, not the point. Since you are in a house FULL of nerds, I don’t mean that offensively, I was thinking that maybe perhaps you could talk someone into helping me out here.” She completed.

The table went silent.

“…So you want me to ask one of my housemates to tutor you?"

"Correct."

A sigh tumbled out of Hansol as Seungkwan and Chan struggled to hold in some giggles, "Fine, I'll ask Wendy if she would be willing to help out-"

The Ravenclaw was cut off once more by (Y/n).

"Oh no, not her." She says but then quickly corrects herself, "Not that I don't love Wendy! She is literally the sweetest, but when I said I want someone in your house to tutor me, I meant maybe um...like the best of the best."

Jun furrowed his eyebrows and thought for a moment, "The best of the best? What do you mean?" His voice was laced with a bit of worry as he waited for her response. The rest of the table also on high alert for her answer. (Minus Soonyoung, who was still happily stuffing his face with breakfast.)

The girl felt a shy smile crawl across her face. One that, without context, make anyone smile in return.

"Well...I was thinking maybe someone like, oh I don't know, that one Ravenclaw dude that is always in the library with the dude with the deep voice and glasses."

Seungkwan and Dino finally bursted out into a roar of laughter as soon as the words left her. Hansol and Jun's jaws dropped instantly at the mention of Hansol's housemate. It took Mingyu a minute to process what she said and break out of his daydream-y state, but once they processed he joined Jun and Vernon in having his mouth hang open.

"YOU WANT ME TO GET LEE JIHOON TO TUTOR YOU?!"

Everyone at the surrounding tables immediately looked over due to the out burst that came from the usually quiet tranquil Ravenclaw. (Y/n) was sure that this was loudest she'd ever heard Vernon speak. It even took Hoshi off guard.

"Um...yeah?" The Keeper said meekly as she wasn't expecting that reaction from her friend. "Also what's so funny?" She huffed as she looked over at the Hufflepuff and Slytherin duo that were clutching their stomachs.

Mingyu was still looking at (Y/n) bewildered and Soonyoung looked around in confusion as well, "What's the big deal?"

Dino finally caught enough breath to speak,

"The deal is that it's Lee Jihoon. He quite literally talks to NO ONE out of his friend group. Let alone help anyone he doesn't know." He explains while catching his breath still.

Hansol snapped out of his shock and nodded, "I don't even interact with him out of class, so what makes you think he would do a favor for someone who isn't even his friend." He pointed out. (Y/n) pursed her lips as he commented.

"Well, aren't you friends with that one Minghao dude? He's friends with him, right? Just ask him to ask for him as a favor from a friend." She shrugged, making Hoshi nod in agreement. Mingyu looked and hesitated for a moment before speaking up,

"I'm sorry to say this guys, but I really don't know about this. He is known for being kind of mean and I don't want to see (Y/n) get upset over it." He muttered looking at the girl next to him.

(Y/n) simply ignored the comment and sighed, "You know what? If you aren't going to help out with this then I'll take it into my own hands." She puffed out her chest and stood up from her seat.

"(Y/n) , wait, I really don't think you should do this." Jun piped up before the Gryffindor girl walked away.

(Y/n) looked over at Jun and sent him a reassuring smile, "Don't worry, Junnie. I'm sure it's fine. He can't be that bad."

and with that, She hurried off to the library in search of the Ravenclaw.

It was a peaceful morning for Jihoon. He woke up feeling surprisingly good this morning. Probably because he didn't have any interruptions (Jeonghan, Joshua, and DK) this morning on his way to the library. Wonwoo didn't join him this morning due to him having a meeting with one of the professor's, but he honestly didn't mind that much. It was nice to have some alone time.

The library was usually where he would find himself in the morning. He liked it. It was quiet and it gave him time to work on personal projects before his classes started.

He found himself sitting at a table fiddling with a pencil as he listened to music quietly like usual when suddenly the doors of the library flung open. However; he just ignored it and chalked it up to being a student in a hurry to find a book before their class started.

(Y/n), on the other hand, was scanning the whole library in search of him. Her legs quickly carrying her around the large room while peaking around every corner and bookshelf until she spotted the student she was looking for.

A large smile grew on her face once she saw the peacefully working student.

Time to strike.

"Hello!" The optimistic (and slightly loud) voice caused Jihoon to jump. His attention taken away from his notebook at the sudden interruption.

The black haired Ravenclaw looked around just to check that she was in fact speaking to him.

She was.

"Um...Hi?" Jihoon muttered out in slight confusion.

The (H/c) grinned and took a seat next to him. "What are you working on?" She chirped out while glancing over at his book that he quickly shut.

The boy stared at her, not enjoying her nosiness.

"Can I help you with something?" His tone was snappy but that didn't sway the Gryffindor next to him. If anything, it made her grow more excited. Her (e/c) eyes lighting up slightly.

"Actually, you can! I'm (L/n) (Y/n), Nice to meet you!" (Y/n) held her hand out for the aloof boy to shake.

Once she introduced herself, He knew his nice morning was ruined. How could he not know her? She was the talk of the Gryffindor house and a good chunk of the school. The star keeper of quidditch. The girl that seemed to be friends with almost everyone. The girl that also nearly made him go deaf the other day.

When she realized that the male wasn't going to shake her hand, she awkwardly put it down and cleared her throat,

"Introductions don't really matter anyway, I already know you. I mean, Who doesn't, right?" She laughed off then got to business,

"You may have heard the other day that I'm having some complications with quidditch this year-"

"The day you nearly bursted my eardrums?"

Okay, that wasn't the response she was expecting but at least he is aware of the situation at hand.

"Um, Yeah. I'm sorry about that by the way. Anyways, like I said, I'm having some issues with quidditch this year. It seems I may have gotten myself in some trouble with my grades and, let's just say, I maybe probably won't be able to play this year if I don't bring those grades up." She details as Jihoon stared at her blankly.

It was quiet for a moment before he spoke up, "And what am I supposed to do?"

He didn't like where this conversation was going.

(Y/n) took a breath in before answering, "Well, you see, I asked my friends for some help but um...they refused-"

"Some friends you have"

"....anyways, It got me thinking, 'who is someone super smart and I could learn from?' then BOOM I thought of you!" She brightly replied.

The raven haired male stared at her blankly as she kept an idiotic smile plastered on her face. Feeling herself slowly start to grow clammy at his lack of an answer.

"Yeah, no." and with that Woozi gathered his things and walked off; His peaceful morning ruined.

(Y/n) sat in her chair dumbfounded as the boy walked off. She knew that it was a stretch to get him to say yes but damn. Even though she was just harshly rejected, something told her that instead of being upset and giving up, she should double down. It is what she does best after all.

Summary: (Y/n) is the pride of Gryffindor’s quidditch team, though that may come to an end if her grades keep dropping the way they are now. As a last hope of not being kicked before the new season starts, the Gryffindor starts her search for a tutor. Thus comes in the quiet grumpy Ravenclaw genius, Lee Jihoon. But why would he be willing to help someone he doesn’t know? Simple; to get the ever annoying and energetic (Y/n) off his back.

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A/n: haha….hiiiii. Okay I’m sorry for the lack of uploading. It took me forever to finish this written chapter and I’ve just been working nonstop lately but YIPPEE it’s finally done! Please enjoy! I also have not edited this so I’m so sorry if there is any misspellings or just skipped words in general

TAGLIST: Open @sp1ng @wonwoos-wineparty @expensive-idiot @lirtha97 @lightprincess-world

[nakimesbiwa]

Mad love

MUICHIRO X MAID!FEM!READER (!BAD SPELLING ERRORS SORRY! MUICHIRO IS OOC!

I am a fast typer (1 random text per story)

You woke up looking around then you felt someone tightly squeezing your arm You looked "Eh..?" You said quietly. Uhm…Can you wake up please" Not trying to shout. ''Huh..'' You both blankly looked at each other. the realization hit you both. Muichiro blushed hard, but you blush lightly. ''I-I'm so s-sorry..'' He said looking away to hide his red face. "I-Uh it's okay..!" About to get off of the bed. ''W-wait.'' "Hm?" ''Can…Y-you stay…please?…'' Aw, he looked so sweet you thought to yourself. "Sure.." You lay back down as he looked at you…He wasn't blinking. You thought: He's sweet now but it's not like this forever it's just a one-time thing! 20 minutes had passed by and he was still looking at you you thought it was strange. you only looked at him because of his pretty eyes. "Uhm are you okay?" Still was looking at you. "HELLO?" ''What..?'' He said looking tired. "You were looking at me for like…24 minutes!" ''oh okay.'' he moved closer to you he was only inches away from you. "I-Uh-um-eh.." He hugged you tightly you couldn't move. You didn't know what to do everything was happening so quickly that you started to play with his hair randomly. He fell asleep "So quickly," you said following him and going to sleep.

''Hey wake up'' he said softly "Huh?… What? you were tired and didn't want to wake up. ''School.'' "WHAT I DONT- HUH ME NO GO- WHAT??" ''shut up I got you to the school I was going to I have you a uniform GET up.'' "Damn…Okay!" You got up picked the clothes up and went into the bathroom putting them on You thought They looked very pretty on you! "I'm done!" ''MEET ME DOWNSTAIRS!'' He shouted. "Okay!" You walked down the stairs and saw him he looked handsome in the uniform you thought. ''Okay.. I got your bag put on your shoes.'' "Okay!" you put on your shoes and opened the door. ''We have to run to school okay?'' After he said that he dashed he was so fast you couldn't keep up. "H-hey!" You ran you didn't see him anymore but you saw the "high school". Muichiro stopped at the front gate. Finally reaching the gate you saw him. You were out of breath. "W-h-hy w-would you do that..ughh." You said looking tired ''Trust me it was nothing.'' ''Come on..'' He holds your hand getting into the school you get jealous or nasty stares. Why are they looking at me like that do I do something wrong you thought to yourself. ''Okay, where here are introduced yourself okay?'' Oh, you thought. "O-oh r-right.." ''Are you okay?'' "Yes…" You said nervously. ''Yeah..sure..'' You went into the room you heard a loud noise but when you entered the room with Muichiro it was silent. (…..) They all looked at you. "Uhm-Hi…My name is uh- y/n(Your name) happy to m-meet you all! What was that? You thought it was a mess and you hated it!. ''Your seat is right next to me'' he said quietly. "…Okay…" Walking side by Muichiro you sat in your seat. 5 minutes after the teacher came into the room.

After the lesson, you have free time."Muichiro I'm going to get a snack I will be back!" ''Okay..'' You left him walked around a bit and got the the food corner. After you get your snack you touch shoulders with a random girl. "HEY! watch where you going DUMB HEAD " the random girl said with sassy and a bad look. "Huh…?"You said looking at them weirdly. The random girl narrowed her eyebrows looking at me. "Yes, YOU fatty look at you with all of that food. "…I did nothing to you?" I said trying to not shed a tear. "I don't care fatty with all of that food are you going to have a feast with all the food? Girl calm down with that food." You tried so hard not to cry but you did she only bullied you more. "P-p-please S-s-stop!…" You ran away not worrying about where you were going…You somehow ran into Muichiro trying to look for you. '' Where you are wh-'' He took a moment to look at you. you were crying? He thought ''Hey are you okay why are you crying? Who did this to you?'' You cried more thinking about what happened

He hugs you tightly…But the hug feels soft. "I-i-i" I tried to finish your sentence but you cried even more. ''Don't worry…Please.Do you want to come home early?'' "Y-yes-s" ''Okay.." He grabbed your hand walked down the stairs and went outside getting into the car. You thought *He didn't check out hmm A few mins later You got into the house. Walking into his room both of you sat in his bed. Holding your hand: ''Who did this'' "I think she had…Black hair green eyes.." ''Thank you '' He said softly. "D-do y-y-you think……I'm fat?" After you said that you started crying. He looks shocked and wide in his eyes. "No i dont! You're pretty in your way in your eyes, personality, Body. I think you are beautiful everywhere She was wrong you are not fat even if you were I would still love you okay? Don't listen to her.'' You were shocked. you smiled and hugged him tightly. "Thank you…" ''No problem…Don't let the girl get to your head.'' "Okay…" He was looking at you smiling with a spark in his eyes. randomly he kissed you on the forehead. "H-h-huh?" What was that…You thought this was too early huh I'm just… ''Sorry..'' He said looking down. "N-not it's just- Wait no it's okay!" I said looking down too.

That's part 2 Part3.?? I don't have any ideas… can you tell that i ran out of ideas? I didn't know what to put..

[lilliathshifts]

Ok this post is going to be long and if you see any sentences that are just… wrong, ignore it, it's fine.

I AM DOING A SUPERNATURAL DR POST THINGY (I'm explaining the dr)

So to begin, my name is Paige Elaine Winchester, yes my initials are pew (I'm hilarious). I was born to Sharron Wailer (who her up in a family of hunters but didn’t want that life) and John Winchester (bleh 🤮) on June 6, 1988, I am a Gemini. John was in and out of my life pretty early, I was only a week old when he dipped for the first time and didn't come back until I was 1. Coming to visit once or twice a year but by the time I was 5, he just stopped visiting.

By this time, my mom started seeing this guy named Blake Blee. He was pretty cool, but he was a shapeshifter, surprisingly mom didn’t care. Blake never hurt anyone and his current id was a guy who died years ago. I started viewing him as my dad after a couple of weeks of living with us. After 1.5 years of my mom and Blake dating, they got engaged and a couple of months later, got married.

Now it was me, Blake, and my mom. Life was great. And then, suddenly, with no warning, John Winchester started showing up again after three years. It was so ridiculous because he expected me to run to him and say “daddy, daddy, I missed you oh so much 🥺🥺,” but I didn’t miss him, because Blake replaced him in every way. I mean, I called him dad, he thought me how to ride a bike, he’d secretly let me stay home from school so we could hang out, and John hated Blake for it. Luckily, he left shortly after that and I didn’t see him for another 8 years.

Within those 8 years, mom and Blake had a baby, his name is Evan Jonas Blee. I was weird being an older sister after 10 years of being an only child, but I loved my baby brother. Also around this time, I asked Blake to adopt me, which he did. Now it’s me, Blake, mom and Evan. We were a happy nuclear family. I loved bragging about my family, I loved them so much, we even got a cat and a dog named Stir Fry and Chick (laugh at the funny names).

It’s a couple of days before Halloween 2004, and life is going great. I needed to go to a store to get some last minute candy for the trick-or treaters. While I’m in the store, guess who I run into, John Winchester, and he didn’t even recognize me, how funny. Anyway, I don’t even bother talking to him and I just go home to tell my parents. A couple of hours later he shows up at our door asking if he can stay for a couple of days while he’s in town. My mom and I go to say no but my dad (Blake) tells him to stay as long as he needs to and that we have a spare room next to the living room. Evan and John weirdly got along, it was very unsettling. Mom was really stressed and when I asked her why, she started saying how she’s scared that John will somehow find out that dad is a shapeshifter and hurt him, but dad told her to not worry about that, and that he’d make sure that John would never find out about him.

On Halloween, I took Evan trick-or-treating while my parents and John went out. Evan and I were out pretty late and for back in around 10:30. Mom was home but not Dad and John. I was really tired and so was Evan and mom was a lil drunk so I out Evan to bed and ended up falling asleep in his room, still in my costume.

The next morning, I woke up around 8:30am and went down stairs expecting to see dad cooking breakfast, but he wasn’t there. So I thought that he was still asleep with mom. I passed the front windows and didn’t see John’s truck and assumed he left when things were going a little good. Mom woke up at 10am and asked if dad was asleep on the couch, he wasn’t. I then asked if he called last night to say if he and John were at a hotel or something, but no one called. Mom was a little worried and decided to go back to the bar to see if the workers know where they went. When Evan woke up, we took Stir Fry and Chick for walks while also looking for my dad and John.

Me, Evan and mom got back at the same time, but with no luck on finding them. A couple of hours has passed and a cop showed up at our door. Blake was dead. He was found in a dumpster behind a Brookshires across town. He had a singular stab wound in his abdomen, it looked like he didn’t fight back.

The next couple of months were a blur. Christmas and New Years were very quiet. We decorated and had a small party for Evan. For dad’s birthday, we went to his favorite fishing spot and just cried. I ended up graduating high school early, just like how dad and I planned. Graduation was great, my speech was mainly about him and how he helped me through so much.

It had been 8 months since he died and things were kinda normal. I celebrated my 17th birthday and mom celebrated her 39th.

Then it was September, Evan just turned 7 and I took him to his favorite places while mom had to work. While we were at Evan’s favorite pizza place, I saw this guy who weirdly looked like John. I guess I was staring pretty hard because he walked up to me. I really wanted to ask him a question but before I could, he asked for my name, so I told him. He just kinda stared at me for a bit and asked me to repeat what I said, I did. Tell me why this random stranger pulled up a chair and started asking me weird questions.

“Who are your parents” Sharron and Blake Blee, “when’s your birthday” june 6, 1988, “Do you know a man named John” yea he’s my deadbeat dad

I was getting weirded out but I asked him his name and he said his name was Dean Winchester. Same last name, I guess it’s common? He said his dad’s name is John Winchester. Guess these names are also common, maybe..?

Then he pulled out a picture of him and MY John a saying he was John oldest son and that he has a younger brother name Sam etc.

Me and Evan left with Dean and we dove to my house. I searched that house for pictures of me and John and finally found one of a year ago that my dad took of us. And that’s how I found out I had two older brothers from John’s first marriage.

BAM finished backstory. I’ve been sitting on this story for a while and was finally able to put this into words. Anyway hope you like

[golbrocklovely]

i’m the anon that sent that shifting n stuff ask! so your college experience counts as shifting (like 100%) and i’d love to hear it!!personally on the fence about the legit science side of it, since small things like the berstein bears and little timeline tweaks I think could be real, and ppl having strong emotional reactions are obviously smthg unless theyre lying (but they dont have a reason to really, and theyre living w the stress of what feels like gaslighting to them). but the tiktok -🌟

see this issue i have of calling what i experienced as "shifting" is i was very much awake and living my life when it happened. hell, even someone else i knew said things felt different (i'll explain in the story) so to me, this wasn't like a very vivid daydream or dream even. but i also can't completely explain what happened logically.

okay, here's what i experienced many moons ago, where i think we switched onto a different timeline.

this is super long and weirdly timely so... strap in lol

how i always described this situation to those that wanted to know about it: imagine taking any room in your house. you have all the time in the world to memorize everything about it. the furniture, the lights, everything. imagine i tell you to leave that room for a couple minutes, and then come back. you do that, and when you come back i tell you that something about this room is now missing. it's up to you to figure out what is no longer there. now, it could be as noticeable as a couch or a chair, right? or... it could a quarter that was under the rug that you didn't know about. that's how annoying this whole thing felt. you know something's different. but you don't know what it is.

this was november of 2017. i was in college. to give a brief run down of my sleeping schedule at the time, i would leave for school (bc i commuted) around 8 am, get there at 9, and then stay at school until 5 pm. then i would get home around 6/7, depending on traffic, and pass out almost immediately. then i'd wake up anywhere around 1-3 am, do homework and whatnot and then literally stay up the entire time until the next day at 6/7 pm again. if i was lucky, i could nap at school (bc my dad worked at my university and i could sleep in his office) or if i didn't have homework i could sleep until the next day when i would have to get ready for school.

so it's safe to say my sleeping schedule was ass lol

i just came home, it was a monday. i think i stayed up a bit later, worked on an art project for school, and then went to sleep around 8/9 pm. i remember falling asleep, i remember deciding i was going to sleep.

i woke up around 3 in the morning. that wasn't odd, i usually always wake up throughout the night. however when i woke up, i was confused as all hell. i didn't have a weird dream, if anything i didn't really dream at all, and when i woke up i just felt really confused, like my room looked different to me or something.

i remember saying out loud, "something feels off", and then i went back to sleep. i slept until the morning when i had to get up, bc i had no other homework that night.

on tuesdays (from what i can remember now since this was so long ago at this point), i would have a 9 am bio class, then i would have a couples hours off, and the around 1 or so, i would go to my art class. i remember distinctively carrying a big ass portfolio to school, or into my dad's office on these days. thursdays, i had a similar schedule. the only difference being i didn't have art, i had a bio lab instead that was a bit later than the art class. this is all important to the story.

i go to school on tuesday, take my portfolio to my dad's office, leave it there, and then go to my biology class. class is normal, nothing out of the ordinary. now, to give you an exact date or time frame of when this all took place, we had a WEEK before thanksgiving break. and i knew my professor wanted our last class together to be a quiz or a test. and our break started on wednesday the following week.

and i remember half way thru class sitting there, wondering why she was teaching us all of this new material when we should have been taking a test. class ended, she said "see you on thursday" and i remember almost raising my hand to say "thursday is thanksgiving". it took me a solid 30 seconds to realize OH, i'm thinking of the wrong dates. it's not the week of thanksgiving, it's the week before.

i started walking back to my dad's office and i thought to myself "what else do i have to do today? nothing, right? i don't have any other classes." (to addon, on mon/wed/fri i only had one class). i get back to my dad's office, see my portfolio and go OMG dumbass, you have art. it was literally the only homework you worked on last night. you always have two classes on tues/thurs.

i was very confused, but shrugged it off. however, i want it to be noted that while i can be forgetful sometimes, when i was in school, i really wasn't. i was on top of my school work and never once need an extension bc i made sure to know when things were due. so to be a week off time wise was really confusing.

fast forward a bit, it's time for my art class. the one thing i LOVED about my campus was that we had flowers all over that were just absolutely gorgeous. i'll even insert the one photo i took of these flowers from a month before this event happened to me (also, ain't creepy that it's also from a tuesday??? also also i had to ss this from snapchat lol):

so as i'm walking to class, i have to pass by these flowers. they looked like this ^^^ literally the day before, and i just generally loved walking by them when i would go on that side of campus.

i stopped dead in my tracks. they were all dead.

they looked burned, like someone had set them ablaze. like, usually when plants like these die there is at least some petals left on the ground. maybe shriveled up and whatnot, but proof that they were once vibrant flowers. i'm telling you, they were all gone and there was no petals anywhere. it was so eerie to me that i felt really creeped out.

i went to class, nothing else really happened. i asked my friend if she felt off that day, and she said no. i went home after my class, repeated the cycle of sleeping and then getting up late.

on wednesdays, i had my one class mid way thru the day, so usually i would spend my mornings going to the library and working on bio lab stuff (which would be due the next day). so i did that, went to my usual spot, started working on my lab. i get a text around 10/11 ish by my friend from my art class (that was also in the same major as me, theater). and she told me the cast list was posted for our final show. this was my senior year and this would have been my last chance to perform. i had only perform twice, and really wanted to get in something else before graduating.

she sent me the cast list, and i didn't make it into anything. i was taken aback bc the director, who was also my adviser, had praised my song choice and thought i sounded excellent and basically kissed the ground i walked on after my audition, which is something that she never did before.

and the thing is, i had not been casted before. so this wasn't new to me. but literally every time, i would cry. it meant a lot to me to be included so when i wasn't i just felt terrible, so i would always cry. i remember digging my nails into my palm and tears welling up in my eyes. i remember looking around at everyone in the library, already feeling embarassed that i was gonna cry publicly. i closed my eyes, and took a really deep breath.

and suddenly, all of the sadness i felt went away immediately. like in a snap, i was suddenly okay. hell, i was more than okay. i was… happy.

not to be too sad sounding, but i'm never happy. well, it's very rare for me to be genuinely, deeply happy. especially back then when i was at one of my lowest and most depressed. but i sincerely was so happy, so relieved. i sped thru my bio lab somehow, left the library early, and when i walked back to my dad's office, i was fucking GIDDY. you ever see in movies when someone's in a good mood they point and wave at strangers?? i was, honest to god, thisclose to doing that bc that's how HAPPY I WAS.

i was deeply confused by all of this tho. bc none of it made sense. how did i forget what week it was so quickly and think i was a week ahead? how did i get over the heartache of missing out on the final chance i had to perform? it was like a week had passed in my mind, and that's why my emotions - anger, sadness, shame, you name it - were all gone within a second.

i genuinely believe that we somehow jumped a week in time. now granted, you could probably chalk a lot of this up to me just being in a weird headspace, forgetting things bc stress, my depression, terrible sleeping habits, ect. i get it. i've gone thru all of those scenarios myself, even to this day.

but the ONE THING that makes me think this actually happened…. is my mom. fast forward to mid decemeber, i remember it was when i was off but my dad wasn't, so me and mom were driving up to my university to pick up my dad from work. i was talking to her about my life and school and whatever. idk what we were talking about exactly, but i said to my mom "i feel like something has shifted. like something changed."

she agreed with me. "yeah, things feel really off anymore." i told her that i've felt this way for a while. and then my mom goes, "have you been feeling this way since the week before thanksgiving? bc that's when i started to feel it."

imma be honest, i don't believe in conspiracy theories. i'm not one to jump the gun on shit like this, but clearly something happened. i'm not sure what, but something changed for me back then. and i think it's bigger than just me and the ppl immediately around me. but that's just how i feel about it.

this was very long and i'm really sorry if this was boring to read lol

[mysticchessecake]

Concept of a ROTTMNT X TMNT 2012 fanfic: Mikey switches body with...Mikey???

AN- I am still getting familiar with writing rise and the 2012 bros

It was a cold and stormy night. The turtles are patrolling the ghost town known as new york. Raph is complaining that they shouldn't be patrolling in this type of weather.

Leo is arguing that they need to check just in case the foot or someone is doing something shady. And Donnie is tired.

While Mikey...is just admiring the weird lightning. It's glowy and orange. And beautiful, every time the lightning strikes it forms beautiful artistic shapes. That looks like it was manually drawn. It also has a weirdly comforting aura.

Donnie realizes that Mikey hasn't been talking about that much and used the remaining energy he has to look at what Mikey is looking at.

Donnie sees the weird lightning and as much as he wants to nerd out about this abnormal lightning. He knows it might not be safe for his brothers or himself since he never saw this abnormal discovery.

Donnie breaks the petty argument with Raph and Leo and told them that they should go home because no sane person would go out in this type of weather.

Also, Donnie mentioned that there was strange lightning and that they should probably stay in the lair where it's safe.

Leo agrees and the trio leaves to go back home. Until they realize that Mikey is not there, they are already near a manhole entrance and the storm is getting worse. Not to mention the weird lightning is getting more and more aggressive!

Leo tells Donnie and Raph to go back to the lair. Then Leo rushed to get Mikey. Not realizing that the lightning is getting more and more aggressive and loud.

Leo spots Mikey still admiring the terrifying lightning, tuning everything out. Mikey didn't even realize Leo was shouting his name. Leo was gonna grab Mikey until.

Mikey gets struck by lightning. He was screaming and the weird lightning looked to be electrical? Mikey's body was glowing, and cracks forming around his arms. Leo was screaming Mikey's name.

Then it stopped. Mikey's body fell to the ground. Leo rushed to check on his younger brother's injuries. Leo felt a slight electrical shock when he touched Mikey's arms.

Leo didn't care. He checked for the heartbeat to be relieved. Mikey is still alive. Leo picked up his brother and went to the lair. He rushed to Donnie's lab ignoring Raph's questions.

Leo told Donnie everything, Donnie checks Mikey's injuries. To his surprise, Mikey's injuries aren't too major. He notices scars of cracks on his skin but that's it. Mikey did smell as if he got electrocuted but he didn't show signs of any major injuries.

Raph is just there watching this thing unfold. Leo is not convinced and is sitting in the lab worried. Raph just went back to reading comics while Donnie fell asleep on his desk.

Mikey suddenly starts to wake up, Leo notices and watches Mikey slowly opens his eyes. Except for his eyes are different. Electric yellow eyes instead of his baby blue eyes.

It was clear that Mikey didn't have that much energy to do anything. He was after all struck by lightning. He did have enough energy to stay awake.

Leo rushed to wake Donnie up. When Donnie woke up, Leo told Donnie about Mikey's weird new eye color.

Donnie checks to see if Leo is right. And to his surprise, Mikey did have that electric yellow eyes.

But Donnie didn't know that. This is just the beginning

Some things to know:

1. Mostly 2012 and Rise! Mikey centric

2. No bashing

3. Will have my personal headcanons

4. Takes place after the movie

5. Mikey has the body of 2012 but with yellow eyes and some faded cracks that somehow followed him in this body.

6. Mikey keeps his mystic powers

7. Mikey somehow has his mystic weapon

8. No 2012 ships. Aside from 1 sided love that won't go anywhere.

(Rise ships are only mentioned- April X Sunita, Warren X Hypno)

9. Might take place around S3

10. Mikey will throw stuff at the enemy.

11. Mikey Dr. Feelings has a therapy session with 2012

12. Mikey will paint the lair somehow

[we-return-in-waves]

10, 15, 20, 29 for ao3 wrapped o.o

sdfhfdkgh i wish i knew who you were my beloved anon <3

answers below the cut xoxo

10. What work was the quickest to write?

spoken words by a landslide. i've talked about this before, but that fic, start to finish, maybe took me 5 - 6 hours at most. i had exactly one scene marinating in my head with no contect for a month ("Lee comes to Sunagakure, and Gaara comes to him in the dead of night." and associated like... four lines) and i was like hey uh brain what do with this? then one sunday i brained the summary text, took a nap, woke back up, and wrote the entire fic in one go. what you see on the archive is essentially it, i sat on it for two days looking for edits and just didn't feel like it needed any. one and done babey!

15. What WIP are you taking into next year with you?

god there's SO MANY HELP. but with exclusively wips i've actually done work for, here's the list: from these bones, untethered, my insidious au, sing a song of sleeptide, a fluffy 5+1 things about sleeping together, The Grapes of Debauchery, another explicit comedy fic about drunken shenanigans, if it's the last night of your life, a one-night-stand-has-results fic, and my untitled enemies to lovers longfic based on the video game ghost of tsushima.

20. Which work of yours have you reread the most?

skfhdkgh We Don't Talk About Fight Club for sheer volume of editing, i think. there was a point where it's the only wip i looked at, every single day, for months. i probably put more work into that fic than i did my master's thesis. i've probably read it over a hundred times and that's not an exaggeration, i can probably recite parts of it. i still reread it occasionally, i'm very proud it (plus like. art. pls, how can u not just keep looking???)

29. Favorite line/passage you wrote this year?

how dare u ask me to Pick One. i cannot do this, instead u are getting several of my faves. rekt

from spoken words:

Lee is brave. But Lee is not fearless.

no ok so like there's a LOT of lines in spoken words that i think smash it out of the ballpark and deserve line-of-the-year status, but this one is special because it beautifully encapsulates lee's entire character in under 10 words. the brevity! i will never be so concise ever again

from sailing stones

“You – you do not find me unattractive, like this?” Lee whispered. I have never once thought you anything but beautiful, Gaara thought to himself. For a moment, they remained, suspended in time, the world blurring to nothing around them. Gaara brushed his lips over Lee’s, once. Twice. Chakra crackled, electric in the space between them. “Gaara…?” And Lee, the paragon of formality, breathed his name with no honorific, so low Gaara wondered if he’d imagined it on an exhale, and the moment was so intimate it bordered on painful, tipping them both over a precipice across which there would never be any return.

ok so this was one of those bits where i wrote that last line, looked at it, announced out loud, "fuck yeah, i wrote that," then proceeded to treat myself to oreos. i fully stand by this today. sailing stones my first child, i love u dearly and will edit u soon, but this piece won't be touched. i feel like it captures the feeling of the whole fic exactly how i wanted it to.

from We Don't Talk About Fight Club (length warning but it's all short lines)

“So… you did fuck,” Naruto said gleefully. “Who topped?” “Naruto!” Sakura stage-whispered, appalled. “What? I always thought Bushy Brow kinda had like, bottom energy, ya know?” Sai’s face went suddenly curious, and he pulled out a notebook from seemingly nowhere in an action that reminded Kankurō creepily of Lee. He asked, weirdly polite, “Is this ‘bottom energy’ a mutually recognisable feeling between those with a proclivity towards that position? Because Sasuke is always the penetrating partner when you two fuck, Naruto.” Hot damn. The table went eerily silent again. Naruto inhaled his water and came up sputtering. “That… how the fuck do you—no. No. We’re talking about Gaara and Bushy Brow right now! Anyway, Gaara?” “That…” Gaara said sedately, returning to his lunch, his sand silent, all his composure returned, “is not your business.” Kankurō filed away that tidbit of information to snicker at later, returning to focus on his brother. Gaara wasn’t tall enough to bone someone on a kitchen table comfortably, and now that he thought about it, that crater on Lee’s kitchen table looked a lot like a handprint… “Please at least tell me you were responsible and used protection,” Temari asked, one hand rubbing her temple like she was in pain. … Gaara had been walking slow all day, had barely moved in his seat, and he’d definitely winced at least once this morning… The answering silence told everyone far, far too much. …oh man… “Gaara!” Temari scolded. …his little brother… “I mean, does it matter? Sai confirmed they both have dicks, they probably can’t knock each other up,” Naruto said, still laughing so hard he had tears in his eyes now. …Gaara of the Desert… “You can still. Get. Herpes!” Sakura shrieked. …the Kazekage of Sunagakure… Naruto looked at her, skeptical. “If Bushy Brow has herpes, I’ll eat Gaara’s Kage hat. You think he’s actually piped anyone before?” …had let a foreign ninja… Temari choked on her tea. …had let fucking Rock Lee… “Oh my gods, Naruto, I’m making you sit through Sex Ed again, did you learn nothing!?” …green jumpsuit enthusiast Rock Lee… “Hey, at least the lube we gave him for his last birthday would have come in handy!” Naruto chortled, completely ignoring his teammate. …bowlcut Rock Lee… Sakura sighed. “I’m sorry to ask this,” she said to Gaara, “but as a medic… please tell me whatever lubricant you used was sealed in a white tube with a yellow label? If it was, that’s the one we got him , and it wouldn’t be expired, since that was only a few months ago.” …who wore orange fucking legwarmers... Gaara nodded to her. She nodded back, as pink as her hair. …rail him over a kitchen table. That was so fucking funny he was going to shit—

ok so this passage i think is the absolute most Chaotic Stupid piece in the whole megadong anime crackfic extravaganza and that's exactly the energy i wanted to convey. i loved writing from kankuro's pov because i basically use him to write from My POV so it's just dumbass hours all day, plus naruto is just an absolute meme in this fic and i love it. bonus points to me for including 1(one) brooklyn99 reference. i will never be this funny again i wasted all my life savings of comedy on this one fkcmdngnldgjd fic

and finally, from in the space between:

Pressed between their bodies in Gaara’s coat pocket, a pale jade ring, inlaid with a delicate, winding ribbon of Gaara’s chakra-infused sand, burns like a star.

not only does this line out me as have fiance fever because i was thinking about the ring im shopping around for when i wrote it, but also SOMFT, and i think it's the most stunning ending line i've written for it's simplicity, though in context it answers multiple questions and completely changes what the scene means when you read it again. and i will use it to end my really long answers! hope u enjoyed thank u for enabling me xoxo

ask me things, ao3 wrapped style

[chavisory]

I posted 2,888 times in 2022

That's 365 more posts than 2021!

835 posts created (29%)

2,053 posts reblogged (71%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@chavisory

@magnesiumflare

@into-the-weeds

@virtuallyinsane

@spockiedog

I tagged 1,234 of my posts in 2022

#stage management - 113 posts

#cats - 96 posts

#i want to believe - 72 posts

#nyc - 55 posts

#photography - 48 posts

#we're all stories in the end - 48 posts

#read later - 45 posts

#my antonia - 44 posts

#autismproblems - 30 posts

#quotes - 30 posts

Longest Tag: 120 characters

#you have an individuality complex but i would definitely be friends with you so take that as a consolation prize i guess

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Somebody guess how over I am explaining to grownups that believing elections matter doesn’t mean believing they’re the only thing that matters.

Somebody just...take a shot in the dark.

61 notes - Posted December 6, 2022

#4

Tom Sturridge just uses his face so weirdly, I love it.

As graceful as he is otherwise, it really does give him the impression of not really knowing what he’s doing inhabiting human form.

89 notes - Posted August 7, 2022

#3

@onenicebugperday Look at this large friend!

105 notes - Posted October 20, 2022

#2

Also, in case you didn’t hear, all of the Upper West Side of Manhattan woke up thinking we were about to die at 6:11 AM this morning.

174 notes - Posted May 2, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Lately it seems like I see a whole lot of people noting (correctly!) that so many people who consider themselves leftists are actually regurgitating conservative Christian/purity culture morality...but then they’ll mostly be talking about the ways that manifests with regard to gender and sexuality and fandom content and not really touch what I consider the deeper, broader, even more alarming ways that that’s true, like:

-Inevitability or moral duty to alienate and even mistreat certain people, certain kinds of people, or certain numbers of people

-Anti-intellectualism and devaluation of expertise

-Devaluation of mental autonomy. If you study the ~scriptures~ correctly (if you educate yourself, if you really take the time to think about it, if you read the right things) you’ll agree with us

-Duty to disown and renounce your former self, and to internalize certain pronouncements about yourself whether or not they’re true

-The viewpoints of people who don’t agree with us are not just wrong, they’re fake. Our way is the only way of interpreting this information.

Like for instance: https://twitter.com/ithayla/status/1573573018608992256

He’s not wrong.

I just keep wanting someone to describe well that there is so much more to this fuckedupedness wherein lefty social justice movements are basically just co-opting evangelicalism.

1,578 notes - Posted September 27, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[avtracker]

monday, april 1, 2024

8:16a forgot to record when i woke up and stuff. i got to school around 30 mins ago. currently sitting in the library of my uni. i released Democracy is Magic this morning, me and my friend’s abridged, and so far it’s been getting good reviews from the two people i sent it to that have seen it lol. em saw it in a private screening, and she liked it. she told me later that she has quotes stuck in her head, lol. i actually forgot today was aprils fools day lmao, to me it was just release day.

i forgot my airpods at home :( and it’s still 1:50 until my first and only class. brutal. then i drive to work lol

there’s hw due in my deductive logic course at the beginning of class. i’ll hammer it out at around 9a i think

oh! there was very little traffic on the road to school today. also, this morning i stopped at an exxon and there were like 6 old men inside and all their heads turned when i walked through the door lol. split dye hair-having alt peeps be like: (the aforementioned)

i actually feel weirdly invigorated this morning lmao

8:27a OMG MARY JUST GOT BACK TO ME ON DiM!!! SHE LOVED IT :DDD DiM getting glowing reviews frrrr WE’RE ALMOST AT 5 GOD REVOIWS!!1

ALSO GHOST ENERGY ORANGE DREAM IS DELISH

9:50a okay thea and i have been texting and we know what we’re gonna do for the plot of DiM so i’m skipping class to work on it before i have actual work LMFAO

9:28p very eventful day. work was aight, nothing to report, but thea had work so we couldn’t talk more about our DiM plans, but they’re crazy! and also i’m trying celtx, seems nice!! i like that one project can have many episodes. will work great for this. i also watched youtube lol, but im really excited for the future of DiM

11:22p i decided that i wanna watch youtube videos on the account i plan to post from, you know like a normal person. so i set that up and lemme just say: breaking in the perfect youtube algorithm again is gonna be hard lol. also im feeling a bit dull rn but i wanna be creative and write something. maybe some DiM but i kinda wanna write a solo thing. perhaps this one short film/video idea i thought of earlier? that i wrote down? schmerhaps…

- 11:24pm

[jinkieswouldyoulookatthis]

Rolling - Chapter 5

Just a hunt fic with lots of weirdly close brother moments. Dean’s got issues, y'all.

Words: 2601

Relationship:  Just the brothers being weirdly close, no smut but this is pushing right up against wincest and implies they've had incestuous thoughts about each other.

Warnings: Angst.

Read it on AO3

Read from the beginning here

~~~

Sammy was laughing and jumping up and down, sparks and bright trails of the fireworks falling all around him. His thirteen year old body was still all scrawny and short, but he was beaming that wide, dimpled smile at Dean, the one that came so rarely now that they were older, and Dean’s heart split wide open.

Sammy ran up to him, “Thanks, Dean! This is great!” And he threw his arms around Dean’s middle and buried his face in his stomach, squeezing as tightly as he could. Dean hugged him back, not hesitantly like he had when this memory had played out in Heaven, but firmly, maybe a bit desperately, like he was trying to hold the moment, to press it permanently into his bones.

“I love you, Dean.” Sammy lifted his face, tipped his head back to look up at Dean. “You know that, right?” 

Dean’s heart swelled at the look of adoration on his brother’s face. 

His shirt had gotten scrunched up in the back by Sammy’s arms and now one of his little hands, still years aways from hitting his big growth spurt, was pressed so warm against the skin of Dean’s lower back.

He woke with a gasp, heart racing. The room was dark, just the dim street light shining around the edges of the thick curtains. Dean was laying on his back, head turned towards the nightstand where the red glow of the clock announced that it was 4:03am. Sam shifted. He was curled against Dean’s other side, one huge hand resting heavy above the covers over Dean’s stomach, while his forehead was pressed against Dean’s shoulder. He was still asleep, his breath blew hot down the side of Dean’s arm. 

The dream flashed back through Dean’s mind. Hot on its heels came the realization that he was half hard and his stomach gave a violent lurch that started the internal countdown that he was going to puke in 5, 4, 3…

He jumped out of the bed… 2… and ran into the bathroom… 1… just in time as he vomited into the toilet. The amulet, which he was wearing again, clanged loud against the porcelain as the contents of his stomach gushed out in a burning, stinging torrent.

One of the only good things about puking was how blissfully blank his mind went while he was actually heaving. His thoughts silenced as the raw physicality of purging took over. But once that died down, it all came crashing back over him. For the first time since the shadow person had touched him, he had woken up before his dream had turned into a nightmare, only to find himself horrified and disgusted at his waking self.

What the actual fuck?

His stomach clenched again and he leaned back over the toilet bowl as his body tried vainly to rid itself of something bad, even though the bad was in his head and not in his stomach.

He sank down to the floor, his back resting against the side of the tub and his legs pulled up, knees bent, until he could rest his arms across them. He curled forward until his forehead rested on his right wrist. There were tears stinging his eyes.

What the fuck was wrong with him?

He could have blamed it on the proximity of another warm body in his bed and the fact that it had been months since he’d hooked up with anyone, and a few weeks since he’d spent any quality alone time with his right hand. He could have blamed this all on that, sure, and even though he knew that it was very likely a contributing factor, the truth was that he was all mixed up and messed up inside, and had been for a long time.

“Hey?” Sam said quietly from the bathroom doorway. “You okay?”

Dean swallowed the bitter taste of bile coating his mouth and burning his throat. “No. No I’m really not.”

The silence stretched out between them. Dean, head still down, silently let his tears flow, Sam stood awkwardly in the doorway, not knowing what to do to help. Finally, Sam ripped the plastic wrap off one of the motel bathroom cups and filled it with water from the tap. He crouched down, his massive frame filled the rest of the space in the small room, and he held the cup out to Dean.

“Here. Rinse and spit.”

It was dark in the bathroom, the faint light in the main room doing little to illuminate more than their rough shapes. So Dean knew that Sam wouldn’t be able to see that he’d been crying, but he still wiped at his face when he lifted his head, embarrassed. He sniffled and cleared his throat as he took the cup and rinsed his mouth before leaning over and spitting into the toilet bowl.

Sam stood up and flushed it all down then stepped back out of the bathroom.

It had been two weeks since Dean had had a heart attack, and every night since, Sam had insisted on curling around Dean as they slept, no longer comfortable with just letting Dean reach out to him when the nightmares started. And although they hadn’t talked about it, Dean knew that Sam needed it as much as he did, that he was likely blaming himself for Dean having to go to the hospital, so Dean barely even grumbled each time Sam pulled him close as soon as the light was out. He just gave a token complaint, you know, to keep up appearances.

But the truth was, he was terrified. He didn’t know how to fix the situation. He was broken, in a way that ran deep way down to his core, and had been for so long that he didn’t know how to be any other way. 

The thing with Sam, yeah, it was messed up, he knew that. God how he knew that. Other people had noticed and pointed it out over the years, but none of them even knew the half of it. But he didn’t know how to explain any of that to his brother. How do you explain something like that? Dean didn’t even fully understand it himself.

Sam turned the light on between the beds.

Dean got up off the bathroom floor and refilled the cup at the sink. He drank it down slowly, testing to see if he could keep it down. After a couple of minutes he sighed and walked back into the main room.

Sam was sitting on the unused bed, he looked up as Dean sat on the one they’d been sleeping in.

“Sorry for waking you up.”

“That the first time one of the nightmares made you throw up?”

“Yeah.” Dean said, hesitantly.

“What?”

“That one was, uh, different.” Fuck he didn’t want to talk about this.

“Mm.” Sam nodded and looked down at his hands. 

Dean sighed again. “It wasn’t a nightmare. It was just a dream, a memory, sort of.”

Sam glanced at him but didn’t say anything.

“It was you and me, that 4th of July when we set off that box of fireworks and nearly started a wildfire.”

Sam smiled. “Yeah?”

Dean swallowed, “Yeah.”

“But?”

“It was just that and then I woke up.”

Sam’s brow creased. “So why did you puke?”

“Because sometimes I don’t like myself very much.” Dean said cryptically, looking down at the floor.

Neither of them said anything for a long moment. 

Finally, Sam shifted and spoke, his voice unsure. “While you were in hell, Ruby…” 

Dean’s expression hardened in immediate reflex, even after all this time she was still such a sore spot between them. 

Sam swallowed, took a steadying breath, and continued. “How Ruby finally got to me was by taking stuff you would have said and twisting it up, just a little.” Sam looked down at his hands. “And it just pushed the right buttons, you know, and some of the wrong ones too, I guess, and I hated myself so much. I tried to hate her, I did, but at the time, you know, I couldn’t because all she was doing was taking something that was already in me and giving it just like half a turn and we were…”

His voice dropped to just above a whisper, ”Dean, I missed you so much and was so messed up over failing you…”

He could see Dean shaking his head and figured he was probably going to interrupt him, so he cleared his throat and spoke up, kept talking, if he stopped now he didn’t know if or when he would ever work up the nerve again and he had to get this out. 

“That even though I knew it was wrong, so wrong, and she wasn’t you, but… but, I wanted her to be.” He squeezed his eyes tightly shut. “I wanted her to be you so bad even though I’d never, not for real, not…” He opened his eyes and glanced up at Dean, desperate to clock his reaction and to somehow, maybe, soften the devastation he felt back then and now.

“I know how fucked up that is. I know.” 

Dean’s eyes were wide and red and swimming with unshed tears. 

“So if things were ever messed up for you, like that, or maybe different but, still fucked up, then you gotta know, it’s not just you.”

Even though his heart was racing, he did his best to stay calm. He wanted, no, he needed Dean to know that it was okay. That whatever fucked up, messed up shit he’d been through, no matter what he’d thought or felt, or done, that it wasn’t going to push him away. So he thought all that as loud as he could and waited.

Dean blinked a few times before swiping his hand across his eyes, then he nodded and cleared his throat. 

“Alastair.” His voice cracked on the name and he had to stop, clear his throat again and swallow before beginning again. “He, uh, he didn’t just use physical torture. I mean, none of the torture in Hell was really physical. My body was dead and buried topside, but, ah, you know, the soul, I don’t know, it projects or imagines or whatever, that it still has a body. So a lot of what they do down there, it feels physical. I guess that’s just how the mind processes it. And, yeah, there was a rack and he cut and ripped and…”

He fell silent. Sam waited, forcing himself to be patient and give Dean the room he needed to continue, hoping that he would, even as he dreaded learning more about how Alastair broke his brother.

“But it wasn’t all like that. There was a lot that was more psychological, I guess. It was like being in a nightmare that just wouldn’t end. And, yeah, I, uh, yeah that’s what the shadow person stirred up when it touched me. Alastair started cutting my mind apart, like he was slowly dissecting me. He pulled out and went through all my memories of Mom, the fire, and Dad. He really spent some time on Dad and all the crap he put us through. Spinning things to worst case scenarios, or making it seem like it was worse than it was. He’d give me an order that I couldn’t follow, like, something impossible and I’d try, but, you know, fail. And then he’d be yelling at me then telling me he was disappointed in me. It was like I was just a kid again, and he’d get so mad, just fly off the handle, and he’d… And I think, I don’t know, Alastair seemed to know stuff that he shouldn’t and I guess it was from Dad’s time down there maybe? I don’t know how much was true or made up, or what he got from me, it…”

Dean scrubbed his hand over his face and back and forth through his hair before continuing.

“I know I got issues about Dad. Not really a newsflash.”

He looked around suddenly and got up. He walked over to the equipment duffle on the floor by the dresser and dug around in it for a second before pulling out a half full bottle of whisky.

“Dean.” 

“Yeah, I know, Sam. I just… I’m gonna keep talking, but I can’t do this stone sober.” He walked into the bathroom and grabbed the plastic cup. Back on the bed, he poured himself just two fingers of the amber liquid before handing the bottle to Sam. He took a sip and stared into the cup.

“At some point I guess he got bored or figured he’d run through all the meat on that bone, or… or I don’t know, but he just switched gears. “ Dean snapped his fingers. “And homed right in on you. And at first it was like these nightmares I’ve been having, you leaving, you getting hurt, getting into trouble, getting killed, going darkside on me and I, I couldn’t stop it. But he just kept picking at me, picked apart all my insecurities about failing Dad, failing you, losing you, how much I needed you.”

He took a sip.

“And then he started following that thread and things got…” he glanced up at Sam. “...complicated.”

“I, uh, I, fuck. Um, I know I’m not wired quite right. I know that. But the things he, uh, that he, like, played me through, were… shit, they crossed so many lines. He stirred everything up so bad I didn’t know what was real, what wasn’t anymore. And he was playing it, you know, just setting things up and letting them build so I got hopeful, almost happy and then you‘d get killed, or hurt so bad, or you’d kill me, or worse. So when I got out, when Cas pulled me topside again, it, uh, it took me a while to remember what was really me, you know? What was you. And I don’t think I… I think some of the wires are still wrong, but I don’t know how to fix ‘em, I don’t know where they’re supposed to go.”

Sam thought for a long moment, turning over what Dean had said, what he hadn’t said, looking for parts he wasn’t sure about. Dean had left a lot unsaid, but Sam was pretty certain he was filling in the blanks properly. There was one that had him curious though.

“What was worse than me killing you?” he finally asked quietly.

Dean looked at him, his face crumbling, brow scrunched, lips pressed tight, and chin trembling as tears welled up in his eyes again. He shook his head.

“No, it’s okay. It’s okay, Dean. You don’t have to.” Sam shook his head reassuringly at him. He was really struggling to suppress the tightness in his own throat. Dean didn’t need him falling apart too right now.

“I know I’ve said it a lot in the last few weeks, but I’m not going anywhere. I get why it’s hard for you to believe that, Dean, I do. And that’s on me. It is. But I need you to try and believe me. Okay? Until I can prove it to you.”

“I do, man, I mean, I know and I’m trying, this shit just runs deep.” He drank the rest of his drink in one gulp. “How do you even prove something like that, anyway?”Sam shrugged. “By not leaving.” He grabbed a flyer from the table by the window and handed it to Dean. “We’re ordering in.”

Last Chapter ->

[lyonfreddie]

prolonged wailing and gnashing of teeth under the cut!!!

let me just preface this by saying that i never get super personal on here anymore but i really just need to vent!!!!

i love my job mostly because i love my coworkers. i work in development/fundraising at a pretty big museum and our team of 5 is all a bunch of young professional women with Good Taste and Witty Banter. like we are all successionpilled. i would hate my job so much if i didn’t work with these people. last week, my favorite coworker announced she was moving to another city and got a job there to be with her long-distance fiancé (he got a tenure track job and obviously... cannot move lmao), and i was SO SAD because she is SO COOL and SO POISED and i want to be just like her, but i took comfort in the fact that we would still have 4/5 of our lovely team still together.

and then my boss pulls me aside first thing this morning and tells me SHE’S LEAVING TO LMFAO

like. i’m literally going to go insane. after march 16, our team of 5 will be a team of 3, and we won’t have either a leadership giving manager OR a membership manager. i print member cards and assemble renewal/new member packets once a week each week as my Big Project but before my boss leaves she’s going to teach me how to do pretty much everything she does that she hasn’t taught me yet. which is really, really nice of her, and also kind of a vote of confidence—i seriously doubt she would take another job if she wasn’t absolutely sure she was leaving her membership program in capable hands. 

my boss is the best boss i’ve ever had. she’s so organized and she knows everything about our museum’s institutional history because she was working there before it was even built. she has always given me clear instructions and honest feedback and she’s just so, so funny. she’s great. we’re practically the same person and have the same interests. and i still have so much left to learn from her. it almost feels unfair that she’s leaving, but i’m an actual adult now and i know this is the correct career move for her. she’s not even going that far. she’s going to work at another museum that is like 800 feet away from us.

but i’m still SO fucking sad. i’ve been crying on and off all day, including at work, where i had to hold it all in. the major gifts officer saw me at the printer and was like ‘you must be feeling sad, huh’ and all i could say was ‘yeah’ and she patted me on the back and i almost lost it in the middle of the office. like... GOD

it’s so embarrassing. i pride myself on being very cool and calm and collected, and the rest of my team always tells me it’s nice how i’m so calm all the time, especially when we’re running events. but i literally walked home today and then sat on the floor of my apartment and bawled for 5 straight minutes until i was out of breath. lol. i am going to be a wreck for every single bit of their farewells and it is not going to be pretty. i’m so sad. i’m so scared. what the fuck.

i’ve also just like... been On Edge for the past week or so in a way that hasn’t really manifested since grad school. my first semester of grad school was when i developed really bad anxiety that only manifested as physical symptoms—nausea, diarrhea, constipation, loss of appetite, insomnia, weird painful muscle cramps, etc. to the point where i literally thought i was on the verge of death! i’ve been reading a book about the salem witch trials and couldn’t help but notice that the “fits” described by the “afflicted” were weirdly similar to how my anxiety jumped out, save for, like, hallucinations. it’s a good book and i want to finish it but just thinking about the similarities almost gave me a panic attack one night... which is crazy. and then i woke up this morning and found out my stupid hemorrhoid is flaring up again. which, in retrospect, just seems like an omen. lmao.

if there is any silver lining to this at all, it’s that there is a possibility i may be promoted to membership manager. i’m currently at the coordinator level, but when my boss broke the news to me, she said that we’d be working with our external membership consultant (who i’ve met! she’s great.) to help keep renewal notices and regular mailings going out. presumable until i’m up to speed. i’ve been at this museum for over a year, and full-time for 7 months. they might wait a few months, until i get closer to a year as a FT employee. or they might just hire a new boss for me. i’m ok staying at the coordinator level for a little while longer; it’s nice not having to worry a TON about budgets and financial goals. but i could probably do it if pressed. and getting a big ass salary bump would be nice.

if you made it all the way to the end, thank you for being cringe with me 🤝 the reason this is here and not in my journal is because there was clearly too much to put into my journal without having my hand cramp up. i’ll be ok. i’ll get through this. but it’s gonna fucking suck 😭

[dzpenumbra]

2/9/23

I'm just gonna say it. It is difficult to add a Turing test for making a Tumblr account? Is it complicated? Does it cost too much money or something? Or have these bots just gotten smart enough to bypass them? The bot accounts on this site are just like... absolutely insane. At least they have been the past few months, I have no idea how long this flood has been a thing, I've only been here since like... August, I think?

I'll be honest, it's not a good look. Like... I swear, if Tumblr had an answer for this? They'd be in really good shape. This is a really cool atmosphere, I wish I had given it a chance sooner. But the amount of bots creeping around reminds me of that scene in the last Matrix movie (the last "real" one, sorry Lana, I really do appreciate the concepts behind what you were trying to do, but even your sibling tapped out on it, and I have to side with them, unfortunately) - let me clarify, in Matrix Revolutions, when Neo is in the City and all those bug robots are swarming around him. Like that. Just... off-putting. Like, what the fuck are they up to? I mean... they're up to something...

Today, I woke up at a somewhat decent hour. I checked the clock and confirmed 8 hours of sleep, which was awesome. Still catching up on sleep, as always... I decided to watch the Subnautica: Below Zero playthrough I've been following in bed to start the day. Depression and grief thing. I watched the same streamer do a playthrough of Project Zomboid when my dog died, so... I don't know, it's weirdly comforting, in a grim kinda way. Like my dog and cat are together now. And it reminds me of how my cat would cuddle with me and grieve with me. I'm very enraptured with the Subnautica playthrough, I love the series. I just cut an episode short to write this.

I was watching that, and lazily trying to navigate Bumble... with very little luck... I swear, these dating apps are just... it's pure depression fuel. In the 4 years that I've been on Bumble and Hinge, I have had 2 successful matches. One was a very brief text exchange through the app over the course of one night which just... evaporated... like I've had more personal conversations with cashiers before... and the other was an alcoholic woman with an STD who just separated from her husband, and just got out of a psych ward for reasons she didn't fully disclose... though who am I to judge, I've been to mental health facilities as well, but my intakes were voluntary so... I feel like my lesson to learn there was to... get more info... or run... still not 100% sure. This woman, a week after my dog died, brought the skeletons of 3 goats over to my home, made me watch Bo Burnham's special about how he was in the same type of isolation as me during the pandemic, gave me one of the worst panic attacks of my life... which I miraculously recovered from within less than 5 minutes... and then... she got freaked out and left. Called me the next day to do the whole, "it's not you, it's me..." And I - to myself, of course - wholeheartedly agreed with her. She needs help, first from herself, then from others. So... let's just say I haven't had a lot of luck with dating apps... XD

My morning was disrupted by the neighbors above running what sounded like... I mean, I guess it was a vacuum? Or maybe a steam cleaner? But it sounded like an industrial autoclave or something. Like, it sounded big and fuckin loud. And it was like... 10:30 AM? I was a little upset at first reaction, but made hay pretty quick. I went downstairs and decided that the best thing I could do was something with headphones on. I decided to pop on the cans and start polishing a new stone. I haven't done that in a long time. I had been using the tumbler for most of my stones and I'm still waiting on the new polish. (OH but I did get my new yoga pants today so yay!) So I took one of the stones my mom mailed to me from her new driveway that she found that she liked a lot and I worked that thing for 2 fucking hours. I really enjoy hand-faceting stones, it's hard work but I find it very rewarding. I wish I had some sort of rig to hold the stone stable so I could be a bit more deliberate and consistent with my angles, but this was a very organic shape so I just sorta went with it, abandoned symmetry entirely and I think it still came out really nice. And the stone was much softer than I was expecting. I think it's veins of calcite running through slate or something? I don't know, I'm not a geologist, I just like making pretty things prettier.

I did yoga. It was really quick today, just like 10-15 minutes. But it had that pose where you go from downward dog and lift one leg? And you're supposed to have your down leg rooted at your heel... but I can't get myself into downward dog and plant my heels. So I kept fumbling around with it and bringing my hands closer in to compensate... and then I was supposed to like... curl my leg above me and stack my hips, while keeping both hands planted. And I just... I could do it on my left side kinda I guess, with my right foot planted, but once we switched I was just falling over. It's frustrating. But, to be fair to myself, my flexibility has massively improved overall. Like I went to stretch my hamstrings earlier and I could touch the floor, which... well, it's been a while.

I took a shower and started to get ready for meeting up with my brother, nephew and sister-in-law for dinner. We went to a really nice chinese restaurant in town - I mean like... really fancy. Like way above any budget I'd be earning in my lifetime. And my socially oblivious ass just doesn't even mention the bill, which is honestly probably a godsend for them that they don't have to deal with the awkwardness of insisting on paying for the expensive meal they suggested. Idk, my brother works in the stock market and my sister in law is a doctor, and I'm a fucking artist who doesn't sell anything so... I'm just gonna kinda assume it's pretty obvious I won't be paying for dinner... XD

I got there early and parked in a parking garage I haven't parked in in... probably 15 years? They don't do paper tickets anymore, it was super confusing, I had no idea what to do. I fumbled around with the app thing on my phone but I didn't want to take my credit card out in a parking garage to put my number into it, because... I mean, there was a homeless guy yelling across the street at the entrance so like... yeah. So I just said fuck it. I walked down this main street, it's like... one of those streets in a city that is specifically for walking only, you know? And it's just lined with shops and shit. When I used to live in this city, my apartment was a block from the top of this street, and my community college was halfway down the street, so I spent a ton of time there. I mean, I remember sitting on a big rock on the street playing guitar for people, busking and making enough to buy coffee. That's a fond memory. I was so much more confident back then.

Now... I was super overwhelmed. I was amazed, and intrigued by everything. The buildings felt very tall around me, I recognized nearly none of the shops. I found some cool new age shops and a skate shop and I was interested in checking them out, but I didn't have time. I had to get the reservation for my brother and them, they were running late. On my way to the restaurant, a homeless guy asked me if I had a few dollars to spare. And to make it clear how long it has been since I have encountered this... they used to ask "do you have any spare change". And now, with inflation and fucking stupid costs of living, he asked "do you have some spare cash", and even a few dollars isn't enough for these poor people. Imagine how insulted and angry that guy would be if I gave him a 50 cents. I... kept staring wide-eyed at the buildings as I walked by and pretended I didn't hear him. I felt really bad. I did have some spare cash, but... I remembered that in my... inattentiveness... I keep forgetting to take the cash out of my wallet. I don't have anywhere else to put it, frankly. And inside my wallet, I have the cash that the administrator of the retreat I went to to detox off meds gave me for an illustration commission. It was like $400. I'm not fucking kidding. And I don't know what to do with this cash because like... who the fuck breaks a $100 in 2023? And I never leave my damn house. And I don't want to like... leave it in some random doom drawer in my house, it'll just disappear. I don't know what to do with it, honest. So like... I just have it in my wallet. And I'm walking by this guy and going, "I know I have cash, but I also know if that fucker sees that I have over $400 and a pair of AirPods on me, he's taking all of it or I'm getting stabbed." And, to top it off, I'm fucking alone. So... yeah, I was super fucking anxious. And I think rightfully so. It went fine, obviously, but like... that shook me a bit.

I should really just get rid of that cash, I guess I can go to my bank? And see if I can deposit it somehow? It's not like I can feed it into an ATM or something. I'm so fucking dumb with this stuff, I swear, no one taught me any of this. It's super embarrassing. So yeah, maybe I'd be less panicky if I didn't have that cash on me.

Dinner was great. Great to see my nephew, a riot as always. Good catching up and chilling. We did this thing at the restaurant where the chef just picked what we were going to eat and they just brought a bunch of courses out for us. All vegetarian, because my brother has been vegetarian since... I'm gonna venture to say since Clinton was in office. Which was actually cool with me, because I don't like fish - never ate it my entire life, never got a taste for it so it's super overwhelming to my senses now - and I don't really like beef either. Just pork and chicken for me, usually just chicken, if I'm being honest. The food was a big adventure of new flavors, things I'd probably never order off a menu myself. So, it was a big wave of new experiences today.

I was super overwhelmed at the beginning of dinner, and super drowsy because the sun was going down. That's been happening a lot lately. But I bounced back after getting a pot of Jasmine tea in me.

I noticed, in reflection after the fact, that I talk very openly and frequently about my mental health. And I'm starting to think that might not be a good thing. I know it's habit, I mean... how could it not be? Like... since about... 2018? The vast majority of my social interactions have been revolving around mental health. And by vast majority, I mean like.. 80-90% of my conversations, no exaggeration. When that is your life, when every conversation is like a therapy session (or actually is a therapy session), you really are forced to get comfortable with sharing. Like... if you go to group therapy and never speak up, you're just cheating yourself. So, powering through those reflexes and getting comfortable with talking about my mental health has actually... tipped into the realm of maybe being awkward for people.

Like... I'm talking to my sister-in-law about how my PTSD makes it hard for me to open up to a doctor in only 15 minutes, like I start freezing and stumbling over my words on simple questions and shit, and how I can only imagine how hard it makes their job to try to get all the information and diagnose and set up treatment and everything in 15 fucking minutes! Something is just going horribly wrong there. But like... I'm just hoping I'm not making things awkward. I really don't even notice it anymore, like... the way I spoke to them, the way I speak to my therapist and the way I speak here are all like... basically identical. It's just... my thoughts. My pure thoughts. I still have some boundaries, I mean it's not like they need to know about my sexual habits or how my hemorrhoids are doing, especially at a dinner table... But I'm afraid it might be awkward for them to talk about mental health stuff. I don't know, it's hard to tell. Maybe I should ask at some point?

After dinner, I went home. It was pretty warm today, I was getting bummed as I drove back that all the snow was melting. I was getting a big craving to go skate. And then I saw this dude slip on ice as he was walking back from a night class, when I drove by a local college. And he didn't know I saw him, I pretended I didn't see so he didn't feel embarrassed, not that he should be, it's like the lowest friction substance in the fucking world... And that planted a seed, which sprouted once I got to the rotary park where I skate. I scouted it out as I drove by - there was still snow. I pulled into my "car park", as my South African accented Siri likes to call it, which makes me smile. And as I walked in, I put my foot in a pile of snow by the door to see what the conditions were like. The snow was something close to the condition of like... a Slurpee, or something. If you're not American and don't know what that is, I don't know how to help you, like... a slushie? Like that kind of snow/ice. Like sleet that is cold enough to take solid form. That kind of snow is... not ideal because it's right on the edge of going to slush and certain ground/stone/pavement can retain heat... and the friction and pressure from skating can just turn that snow right into a slow, wet, soggy mess. But if the temperature is low enough... you get all the packability of wet snow, and that slush effect doesn't happen, and it also doesn't instantly turn to ice like it does on colder nights... And that's pretty much the conditions I got to work with tonight. So I stretched and I went skating.

But my dumb ass didn't bring my water bottle.

I tried skating the 2-stair, but that whole warm stone turning packed snow into slush thing? That was happening right where I was supposed to pop. Right at the lip of the first stair. It was just crap. But there was snow all over. I skated flatground for a while. My ollie was doing really well today, very consistent, good pop too. I was getting more comfortable and accurate with pop shuvits. I couldn't land a 3 shuv to save my life, unfortunately, when it's slushier it feels tougher to get that extra rotation because the snow has more give to it. At least that's what my head tells me. But I got a moving kickflip, maybe 2? I don't remember. Then I went to that section where I had a long downhill section of sidewalk to build speed and a natural kicker where it goes flat and then inclines down again, and I skated that for a bit until a dude came over and just... sat like 25 feet away from where that ramp was... I got paranoid and stopped skating it for a bit. Then I saw a smoke cloud come from there. And I'm sure it was just weed smoke, and it was probably some college kid who just couldn't smoke in his apartment and wanted to smoke somewhere chill, so he chose the park at like 9PM alone. I get it, I just... I was really anxious from earlier, and in general, so I just stopped skating that spot. I went over to the 4-stair, landed it at least 3 times. Went back to flat and started trying to get varial flip. I've never had it... perfectly consistent. Like... I've landed a few and I got pretty good at them, but I was never really consistent. There was a point where I could pull out kickflip and heelflip (on the right surfaces, at least) pretty much every try. Less so with heelflip, but still. Varial flip was never at that level. But today, I landed like 3 on flat not moving. I clearly remember a moment where it just clicked and I was like "oh, that's what it feels like!" And it felt as easy as a shuvit and I just popped, flicked, floated and the board just lined up right under my feet. And I came damn close to landing it moving, but I just couldn't stick it. I had to tap out.

What I kinda want to get off my chest - which is a fun way of putting it, once you see what I'm gonna talk about - was something I was freaking out about while skating. When I went to the doctor's office, they told me I have high blood pressure. Like... that's not heart rate, right? Like... pressure is different. And they were going to check it again to see if it was just anxiety, but like... they didn't. So that lack of resolution has just been sticking with me. And I got really anxious about it today. Like, I was getting chest pains and tightness and shit. And I've been getting that a lot from anxiety, so like... if I was having actual heart and pulmonary issues, I probably wouldn't notice, honestly. So I would just get a lot of invasive thoughts about like... exercising too hard, pushing myself too hard and then just fucking passing out and collapsing in the park. Like... I'm old now, or something. And I like... I'm not that old. I keep hearing people around my age, mid-30's, and they keep acting like they're in their fucking 60's or something. It's fucking weird, sorry. Like, my body aches too, guys. My back feels like garbage, my neck and posture are fucked, my hips have decided to secede and are staging regular protests against the rest of my body. I'm tired all the time, when I get hurt it takes a lot more to get me back up, I get tired quicker, shit like that. But I'm not fucking old. The people who consider me old don't consider themselves young and they're like 18. So... I'll consider calling myself old when I get to my mid 50s or something, thanks. But on the pulmonary front, I want to make sure I'm not being too cavalier and overlooking potential health issues that are avoidable, because I do have a history of blood-related issues (clots) and I do not have the best diet. I actually have a pretty poor diet. So... yeah, just wanna make sure that didn't creep up on me, and today was especially bad anxiety-wise in that department.

But, on the plus side, some kids saw me skating from their apartment... and they actually saw me land my first varial flip of the year and fucking cheered! I was listening to music in my headphones so I was just oblivious to the outside world, and they cheered so loud that I could hear them! It made me so happy. I wanted to say something about like... if there are any gods that give a fuck about them, I hope they throw some good stuff their way, but man, it's been a hot minute since I've heard anyone talk about religion publicly and that... feels a bit scary, honestly. Feels like people are just gonna come after you if you're polytheistic in 2023, you know? Weird shit, when we're supposed to be all evolved and progressive and whatever but yeah. I guess... I hope good fortune finds those two young men, for bringing excitement and joy to the heart of this grieving, depressed 36 year old snowskater.

Since I didn't have water, I ate a bunch of snow when I was out, but that wasn't nearly enough and I just came back early. And that was basically my night. I finished the night by polishing another one of those stones and watching another "episode" and a half of the Subnautica VoDs. Now I'm here.

Another cool idea I had, which I shared with my brother because I know he's really into languages... I decided to search Twitch today for streamers who speak French. I took 3 years of French in college, and I surprisingly still understand a lot. I could never speak it, but I can read it okay, just really slow. So I found someone who was playing League of Legends, a game I am pretty familiar with (but haven't played in like... 5 years?) and just... had that going in the background. And I got the Google Translate app thing for Chrome so I can just select a word that I don't know in the chat and it will real-time translate for me. I could follow a surprising amount, considering I haven't studied French since like... 2004. Wow, almost 20 years. Crazy. I'm pretty sure if I keep that up and just periodically try to like... figure out where they are in conversation? I'm sure I'll start picking up more and more. And maybe eventually I'll be able to chime in some short sentences every now and again. Who knows. I thought it was cool, something new to spice things up and to contribute to intellectual/skill development.

I am fucking tired. I need to go to bed. Byeeee.

[ghosts-and-blue-sweaters]

MORE QUESTIONS!! :DD 1. How many stories are you currently working on? 2. If you could have 3 wishes what would you wish for? 3. Favorite memory? 4. Favorite line from the last fic you worked on? (I'm becoming so skilled at getting stories from you ;) 5. Come up with any question you want, and answer that. :D 6. Have I ever annoyed you? (I'm so scared for this fhjdfshkj xD) 7. Something that made you happy today :D 8. Which fictional character do you most relate to? ~Pinestripe

...let me go count.

Twenty-two, for Dream SMP—not including the ones I've finished but haven't posted.

2. For whatever food I want to appear in front of me at any time, for inspiration to come whenever I wish, and to meet all my online friends in real life :D

3. Okay, I can't choose just one memory. But I do have one with my cousin that I'm quite fond of.

Me, him, and my two other cousins were having a sleepover in their hotel room (we were on vacation). Me and him—who I'll call E—were being chill, lying on a bed and watching Brain Games on his phone. We were both so content at that moment... we didn't even talk all that much. We were just happy to be together, laying on a hotel bed watching a show on his phone.

4. OH MY GOSH YOU REALLY ARE GETTING SKILLED OH GOSHHHH!!! Hmm...

The smell of burning food always woke Phil up in a panic, which lead to harsh words and angry shouting, which lead to hurt feelings, which lead to apologies over charred food. That cycle sure did repeat itself quite a bit.

5. JDXVJHAGCSVNSXBVS OKAY UMMMM

Favorite thing to write with? PENS. HEKKIN PEN SUPREMACY. NO PENCILS. NO CRAYONS. ONLY PENS.

6. Awww, heck no! You're not annoying at all; I get really happy whenever we get to chat, and I'm touched that you feel comfortable enough to talk about difficult things with me :D You're one of my bestest friends, after all!

7. Getting all these asks! I wasn't expecting so many :0

8. OOOOH. Hmm... Ian Lightfoot from Onward. He's awkward and weirdly skinny and makes lists and is scared of a lot of things and stumbles over his words and never knows exactly what to say and he has big dreams and loves the people he loves so dearly and-

[biceratops7]

Can we just acknowledge how ofmd said “twink rights” for a moment?

Ok wait hear me out, it is legitimately so weirdly rare to see media centered around queerness that sees effeminate gay men as diverse, complex, and invaluable to our community. More historically it’s been used as cinematic shorthand for (often negative) queer coding, but now a days it’s either a token or something to point at and go “We’re gay but not like those guys, we’re normal people.” (Looking at you Love Simon…)

And then we have Our Flag Means Death, which has a bare minimum of three effeminate gay men, all completely different from each other in several areas. All having their presentation of queerness treated as a strength by the series.

First we have Lucius. He’s the first openly gay character we meet and is easily the most “stereotypical.” However these things are deconstructed and seen as healthy character traits. For example in episode 5, Lucius is shown to “get around” if you know what I mean. Usually this is seen as dangerous or immoral by the narrative, but ofmd completely turns that on its head when it’s revealed not only that his boyfriend knows about it, but the whole ship does and supports it. “We don’t own each other” takes a commonly frowned upon stereotype of gay men and asks why it’s even seen as bad in the first place. What’s wrong with an adult who enjoys open sex with other consenting parties? It’s precisely Lucius’s pride and the crew’s acceptance of it that wins them a victory against Izzy.

Another thing about Lucius is that he’s easily one of the most self actualized characters in the show. Normally when this happens it’s used in the “gay best friend” trope, where you’re a straight but “woke” blonde lady who’s uber confident twink friend gives great advice. You know, that one? Accept here Lucius’s strong sense of self concept and knowledge of healthy relationships are used to help his own community. Often times effeminate gay men either can’t hide their queerness or just choose not to, because of that “twinks” are often seen protecting or mentoring younger/ newer members of our community, and that role is incredibly important and deserving of respect.

Alright now let’s move from that to the dude with a giant beard who is so stereotypically manly he’s rumored to carry nine guns. That’s right, Blackbeard is low key a twink and I will fight to the death on this hill.

I’ve already touched on my reasoning behind that in this post, but what I didn’t mention is that these attributes are not only acceptable by the narrative but staunchly encouraged.

When Ed’s taking part in these things he’s growing as a character, he’s putting his past behind him and becoming the healthiest version of himself. Even when he’s just straight up having a mental breakdown throwing himself into these softer things is used as symbolism for healthy coping strategies like being honest about what’s wrong and opening up to people who care about you.

This is in stark contrast with him violently throwing away every trace of it. His abrupt return to traditional masculinity (and casual murder, but you know, pirates) is treated as a moment of weakness made in desperation, one he quickly realizes didn’t work at all. But now it’s too late.

And then there’s Stede, I won’t say much about him because it’s pretty simple. Stede’s “effeminate” traits are seen as negatives by the people we’re supposed to dislike (Izzy, the twins, his father, etc.), but a big theme of the series is showing that those people were wrong and painting them as strengths. He’s at his best when he uses less traditionally masculine traits, the show actually frames them as valuable skills. 

His attitude on being emotionally open makes a HUGE positive impact on Ed’s life and eventually endears his crew to him, making them all incredibly close. His knowledge and liking for “fine things” is something he and Ed share together and is the first thing they connect over. The show isn’t about Stede becoming a better man despite these attributes, it about him becoming a better man because of them. Because he chooses to share them with someone who finds them charming and loves him for who he is instead.

[lfc21]

Take my hand

This is my first imagine based on a tik tok trend! I hope you enjoy it, please leave your feedback in the comments! Tik tok trend: click here

-

Tik tok was of course the place to be everyday and every night with thousands of new trends begging to be shown every single day. You started to become slightly obsessed with watching some of the trends and funny videos which of course forced kostas into liking it just as much. Over a few days you had been seeing a huge amount of videos of girlfriends holding their hand out to their partner to see what they would do and you couldn't help but think it would be such a funny video to make. Kostas wasn't particularly clued up on everything and he was always the first person to get confused upon the simplest of things (weirdly this was something you actually loved about him).

Since you woke up you where trying to find the perfect time to do it and only now at 5 o'clock in the evening where you ready to carry out the tik tok. You where sat on the living room floor with your dogs next to you sorting threw a bunch of old pictures you had accumulated over the years whilst kostas was busy watching a film you had no interest in watching. Kostas was indulged in his own little world enjoying the scenes playing infront of his eyes and it was definitely show time. You took your phone from your hoodie pocket and quickly opened the camera proceeding to press record, you carefully sat up on your knees being careful to not mess up the neat piles of pictures and directed the phone at kostas but not to noticeable to the point he was going to ask a million and one questions as to why you where recording him.

"Kostas?" You said infront of him and the couch causing his head to look up from the arm of the couch where he was lieing. You placed your hand out infront of him with a smile and waited upon his reaction.

"What?" He asked with a confused tone sitting up from his position looking at your hand infront of him. You laughed to yourself aswell as making sure your phone was still recording. All you did was wiggle your hand at him to get his attention upon the idea that he had a relation to your hand.

"Did you get new nails or something? Wait no you can't have you got them done like last week" he reassured himself yet still grabbing your hand gently and moving your acrylics closer to him so he could have a closer look to see if anything had changed.

"Babe what?" He said with a laugh whilst looking at your nails noticing your nails still presented a baby pink colour which you had gotten done not long ago.

"My hand!" You said in a very high pitched tone wanting the attention to set in his brain.

"Well I know its your hand! But what about it?" He said running his hand through his blonde curls with a confused look spread across his face.

"What do you do with my hand?" You softly said with puppy eyes letting him know that this was something he should be aware of.

"I don't know" he laughed repeating his confused words again. He looked back at the tv completely ignoring your actions towards him as he was missing more than he would of liked to of his film. Your boyfriend layed himself back down on the couch enjoying the film showing to your camera he had nothing but grey sweat pants on.

"Fine then" you said jokingly in a mood whilst you walked back to your spot on the floor with your two dogs looking intently at you. Your phone was still recording and now you had rested it on the modern fire place under neath the huge TV giving a clear view on you, your dogs and kostas.

"If these two can do it and you can't we are over!" You laughed aiming it at your boyfriend who was now watching you with the two dogs carefully. You placed both of your hands out to both dogs causing there large paws to gently fall upon your palms.

"Oh my god! They did it!!!! Yaaaaaaaay" you shouted giving your dogs the biggest cuddles as they barked up at you aswell as giving many sloppy kisses as a result of your praise towards them.

"Oh noooo!! Nooo! I can hold your hand noo wait" he said with a needy tone jumping off the couch with a run towards you and grabbing your small hands. He held them both gently whilst pulling you up to him once your dogs had disperced from their needy moment.

"You didn't do it" you said once you where eye level with your boyfriend. He pulled your hands up to your eyes and showed you your fingers intertwined.

"But I have now" he giggled letting go quickly and pulling you up onto his waist letting you wrap your arms and legs around his waist. He kissed your lips softly feeling your lips move in sync with one another.

Although kostas lacked in romance when it came to the trend you had fell into and posted all of your fans had become obsessed with it and begged for more of you both and your gorgeous dogs.

I really hope you enjoyed this! Please feel free to leave feedback! Favourite accounts at the moment: @prettylittletrent @mrs-henderson @daddyhendo @hnrfc @travellvogue @weddingdisco @avenirdelight

[at1nys-blog]

Button up shirt

Pairing: Hongjoong x fem!reader

Summary: when your are supposed to keep your relationship a secret but a little accident exposes the two of you.

Warnings: suggestive in some parts pretty much that. Don’t interact if uncomfortable or/and a minor you have been warned

Masterlist

It was nice, sneaking in his studio, late at night, sleeping less to nothing because of some “work” and you wearing his shirts was the best part. You loved how tiny they made you look as if you weren’t already that tiny and he loved how cute you looked wearing his, too big for you, shirts.

That night was just one of those nights, he went back to writing some music and you were uncomfortably sleeping on his couch when someone knocked on his door. He immediately went to answer it, peeking his head out and keeping the door as close as possible.

-What the hell… Never mind. I came to talk to you can we…- said Seonghwa trying to get inside the studio.

-nah better outside, I left the window open and is getting so cold in there. I don’t want you to get a cold.- he said and walked his best friend and roommate to where once the famous red couch was, now replaced by a bigger but black one. -What you wanted to talk about?-

Not only after 5 minutes you woke up and found it strange Hongjoong not being there so you did the first thing that came to mind, check if he went to the bathrooms. The second you stepped outside his studio you saw him and, still half asleep you went to him.

-Taking a break?-you asked cuddling up on him, voice like a whisper not wanting to get caught by whoever was still in the company.

-Kinda. Listen, Seonghwa will be back any minutes now so…-

-Seonghwa is already here.- he said making Hongjoong curse under his breath(which Seonghwa actually heard and rolled his eyes) you, on your hand were too sleepy to understand exactly what was going on to be honest. -So this is the reason why you were acting different those last two weeks?- he asked really curios about the answer.

-I…-

This time was your time to interrupt your boyfriend. -Just don’t tell the others. They will never let it go and then I have to get the consequences. Rough sex is not the best.- both Seonghwa and Hongjoong choked on air at your statement. -What? Is a fact. Now let me sleep please.- you added clinging even more.

The second time another member of Ateez found out you and Hongjoong were dating was way more embarrassing than the first one.

It was a chilly night at the dorm, just you and Hongjoong watching a romcom movie because why not until your boyfriend decided to fucking tease you out of nowhere.

-what if I kissed you like that?- he said, jokingly, but you being the most oblivious person alive just told him to try it and a simple peak on the lips became a make out session, and an innocent make out session turned to you riding him in the living room of Ateez’s dorm with only his shirt on when Yeosang decided to arrive home earlier than what you expected.

-OH MY GOOD MY EYES AND EARS.- it was too late but the idol screaming made you cover under the blankets. -Oh yeah as if now I can remove that awful imagine off of my brain because you are covered now. And I thought it was the neighborhood.- he added going to the kitchen. -Now I wonder if you did over there too-

-YEOSANG-

Almost an hour later, and you and your boyfriend making Yeosang promising to shut up, Wooyoung was the first one to come back at the dorm and Hongjoong knew, he knew Yeosang was gonna tell him so when the younger of the three walked in the living room with a shocked face Hongjoong rolled his eyes, cursed the poor Yeosang and asked Wooyoung to shut up.

-aye aye captain.- he said sitting in between you and his leader. -does he at least make you feel good?-

-I think this is my cue to go.- you said giving a peak on the lips to your boyfriend and then left the dorm. -See you soon Joongie. Bye guys.-

It had been some weeks and weirdly not Seonghwa, Yeosang or Wooyoung said a single word to the rest of the guys and since the accident Hongjoong(and lowkey you too)decided it was better to use his studio as the space for time together alone, until that night.

-Movie night and please invite YN as well. Is been some days since I saw her last.- said Mingi taking his plate to put in the sink.

-I wonder why-whispered Wooyoung, receiving a kick from Hongjoong. -What was that for?- the leader rolled his eyes and then followed Mingi’s manners to then leave the room and text you about tonight. You didn’t though too much and decided to agree at a movie and some snacks offered by the boys.

Now, the second Hongjoong saw you when he opened the door, he wanted to get his hands all over your body, kissing every inch of skin and make you scream his name but sadly that wasn’t possible.

-you are such a tease. Why on earth did you wear my shirt tonight.- he whispered and if it wasn’t for the guys waiting you to greet them you would have teased him a little bit more but hey, people were waiting for you to say hello.

-Uuuhhhh I like the shirt. Hongjoong don’t you have a similar one?- noticed San and you have him a shy smile.

-Yeah, we have the same style sense you know. Now can we go and start watching the movie or…- he said trying to avoid other questions about your his shirt.

-Yeah same style sense.- both you and Seonghwa said once everyone was out of ear sight.

The entire movie it was so hard for Hongjoong to not touch you and you weren’t helping at all, you loved the danger to be caught once again, you liked how flustered and bothered, and maybe even hot, Hongjoong was feeling right now. On the other hand the three that knew your secret tried their best to not look at you, too scared to give away that something was going on between the two of you.

At some point of the night you decided to play a little bit more with Hongjoong and when the opportunity came you asked Wooyoung to push you a little bit towards Hongjoong and the man didn’t had to be told twice, some minutes later he made it look like Yeosang pushed him so he pushed you and you “unfortunately” ended up on him and, oh look at where your hand was now. He looked at you confused and before he could even asks you for explanations you said you were sorry and then tried to go back to your position but Wooyoung took your space too so you ended up on Hongjoong’s lap.

-I hope is not a problem.- he swallowed so hard you were sure the others heard him. -If it is I can see on the ground- you added and moved to sit down when he stopped you.

-Is ok, the ground is cold. I don’t want you to get a cold.- but your little game wasn’t over yet, not sir. Every now and then you would move trying to find the better position making the man under you shift his position as well while trying to keep his composure as best as possible. After ten minutes he couldn’t handle it anymore, his boxers were too uncomfortable and he was going to scream the next time you were going to move.

-You know what, I can’t do it. Move your pretty ass to my room.- in a second you left your seat and rushed in his room. -you others can either leave the dorm or hear me fuck my girlfriend, your choice.- everyone’s jaw dropped and yours too would have if you didn’t start teasing him.

-I’m leaving. I don’t wanna hear the two of you doing it again.- said Yeosang standing up from the couch.

-NO WAIT YOU KNEW????- said a very confused Yunho.

-Yeah and I wish I didn’t caught them doing it.- he added, Hongjoong was too distracted to scold him but it was fine, he was going to finally be able to touch you and he wasn’t going to hold back. Not after you broke the number 1 rule: no teasing in front of the boys.