#i wish we’d gotten a scene of them playing cards and lying out of their asses

[emmg]

I want Blackwall, against all logic, fate, and the general laws of sanity, to become Solas's unexpected bestie in Veilguard—like some twisted, medieval version of a buddy-cop drama where one’s a guilt-ridden ex-wannabe-warden and the other’s an elven god with a messiah complex. Because lying liars gotta stick together.

Blackwall: “Now, what was he supposed to do? Just waltz into the Inquisition camp and be like, ‘Hey guys, fun fact: I’m an elven god, also sorry about that whole ‘end of the world’ plan in the works.’ Yeah, sure, that’d go over well.”

Solas: nodding sagely “Exactly.”

Blackwall: “I mean, think about it—he’s got centuries of baggage. That’s a lot to unpack. It’s not like he could have just put it in his Tinder bio. ‘Likes long walks in the Fade, dismantling the Veil, and reclaiming lost elven glory.’ No one’s swiping right on that.”

Solas: frowning thoughtfully “It’s been a lonely existence.”

Blackwall: “See? Exactly. He’s lonely. Who hasn’t thought about ripping apart reality when they’re having a bad day? People are so quick to judge, but they don’t know the context.”

Solas: tragic sigh “The weight of leadership is often misunderstood.”

Blackwall: “Right? It’s like me with the Grey Wardens—except, y’know, with fewer existential threats to the universe and slightly less divine ego. But still, I get it. You don’t just walk up and say, ‘Hey, I might have kinda sorta lied about everything. Also, I’m basically the reason your world sucks now. My bad.’ That’s social suicide. I mean, you’d never get invited to another tavern crawl. Ever.”

Solas: nodding gravely “Precisely. That, and... I am not one to ‘buy rounds.’”

Blackwall: “See, that’s the real issue here. It’s not that Solas wanted to tear down the Veil—no, no. It’s that the man can’t even be bothered to cover a single round at the bar. That’s the true crime. And, well, I guess he has no money.”

Solas: solemnly “I have no need for such trivialities.”

Blackwall: “Of course not, because you’re a god, right? But try explaining that to your drinking buddies. ‘Oh no, I’m too divine to pay for ale,’ like that’s going to fly. Honestly, Solas, this whole end-of-the-world thing? Just bad PR. You should’ve led with the ‘I’m mysterious, brooding, and burdened with ancient knowledge’ angle. Chicks dig that.”

[dontjudgemeimawriter]

Cards & Falling Asleep scene-- Raymond’s POV

This is a scene that isn't intended to be part of the story, which is from Terran's perspective, but nonetheless an important one.

Some context: Raymond has asked Terran to stay over to get to know him better. Raymond has mental magic, meaning he can sense and influence people's minds. He's also facing a bit of a situation that Terran doesn't fully know the details of.

I don't think I need and trigger warnings?

Under the cut

War had been the only card game I could think of that might actually get him out of his head. Definitely the only one I was pretty sure he knew. It was a simple, dumb game with no strategy, no bluffing, no prediction. I think he was trying to anyway, counting cards a bit, but there was nothing to do about it. You put the next card down, that’s all there is to it.

I think I’d rattled him a little with the visualizing thing. I hadn’t even been sure he’d be able to see it if I implanted an image, but I knew he had by the bewilderment on his face. And oh my god, I’ve never seen him bewildered. Occasionally I’d seen him surprised, plenty of times he’s been frustrated, maybe even confused in a flustered way. And it was so fun, he was capable of bewilderment,there were things he didn't know. Of course, there were plenty of things I thought he was wrong about, and I knew in a way he was sheltered… was sheltered the right word? His world and perspective was narrow, specialized. 

We flipped over cards, my jack beating his 5, and I swiped the cards off the bed and put it in my pile. He was intently watching the space in front of us, waiting for me to flip over the next one, but I had to pause to jog my pile, and it was kind of interesting to look at him when he was focused on something but not focused on it. Usually his intense look made me uneasy, but right now it didn’t. 

I flipped over my top card and he flipped his. I stared at the cards for a second, and he broke his gaze to look at me.

“It’s a 9, you get it.”

I smiled, laughing at myself, and grabbed them. I hadn’t been sure it was a 9 or a 6, but either beat his 4 anyway. We kept going, a steady rhythm of flipping and grabbing, but when I paused, staring at a 7 and a 3, he chuckled at me.

I took the cards and shot him a playful glare. 

“Do you need to review your numbers?” he asked, a grin pulling at his mouth, and he was teasing me and it just made me smile more.

“I haven’t taken a math class in two years,” I said, defending myself.

“And in that time have you not encountered numbers?” He flipped over another card, and we continued playing, and I tried to think of a good retort, but our numbers matched, so we declared war and he took the pile. “Hey.”

“Not my fault, it’s the cards.”

“Bad cards.” I’d run out so I grabbed my discard pile. 

“They’re your cards.”

“They’re the hotel’s cards,” I corrected, then remembered. “Actually they’re the last hotel’s cards.”

Terran paused and looked at me, raising an eyebrow. I raised mine mischievously. It’s been an accident, I’d swiped everything off the bedstand into a bag and only realized when I’d unpacked. I was considering it being a thing, that I steal each hotel’s playing cards and leave the last’s as a joke, but I knew Terran wouldn’t approve of that idea, and it was probably a bad one anyway. Besides, I was worried someone would get in trouble. It was best to be the perfect guest. So I shrugged it away. 

“Well, that explains why they don’t like you,” he said, and the carrying of the joke and lack of disapproval surprised and thrilled me. 

Still though, I didn’t know how to respond, and our attention returned to the cards. The only sound became the sound of cards flipping over, and before long he’d gotten almost the entire deck.

I didn’t mind. It was nice to play cards with him. I’d played cards a good amount— it was a good thing to do between studying. I’d played with Jodi a lot, we’d gotten really intense about playing Gin. When her friends joined we’d play Hearts or Cheat, but you really needed more than two players for that. I’d never bothered to buy a deck, somehow we could always find one and every hotel I’d ever been at provided one. I’d thought of playing cards as a possibility, but as soon as I’d sensed that memory—all I’d gotten was a poker chip, fire, and fear—I’d remembered the few times we’d played cards back before, and remembered that he’d played cards with Zachary. And it wasn’t a game then. I’d never been sure what it was exactly, but I’d sensed that it wasn’t fun. They treated it like an exercise in fucking over each other. 

Not something I wanted to bring into this space. Not when the entire point of this was so I could know who he was outside of that. 

This was working, though. The playful teasing, the grin he’d shoot me sometimes— that was what I’d wanted. And I could feel him more relaxed than I’d ever known him, and I got the feeling that this was him— more himself than he’d ever been. 

Or maybe I was hoping it was so much. Maybe I was extrapolating the good parts and ignoring the bad. He was good at acting, and I wasn't sure if being unfocused fixed that. Playful teasing wasn’t too far from the witty sarcasm he sometimes employed. Maybe he was acting, always.

But for a second he looked at me, and there was something there in a quick glance, something I don’t think was acting. Because if there’s one thing Terran can’t do, it’s flirt, even if it’s fake or would be beneficial. That was what really made me realize that it was an act, that it wasn’t really him. Sneaking a glance like that wasn’t a planned flirt. He didn’t even pick up on me flirting with him— that I knew, because I’d snuck a peek once while placing a hand on his leg. He was likely teasing me because he’d learned it from me. 

I have no idea if he likes me, though. I want to take a snuck glance as a sign, but with him, I have no idea. I’m pretty sure all of that—flirting, dating, attraction—is something he’s never really had to interact with. 

And it doesn’t even matter. That’s not the point. Does it thrill me to have him so close, to actually feel him reaching out to me? Sure. But I don’t care right now if it means something like that or if it’s just desperation. Because he doesn’t get comfort or safety, I know that, or affection in any way. Zachary doesn’t give affection. Mika can be very affectionate but no way she’d give him any. Maybe I’m flirting, but maybe I'm giving him something he needs, because how can I even expect him to be better without getting any positive connections? So this is for him, too— to actually give him some connection.

But it might be cruel, too. Might end up being worse. Which is why I really hope at the end of this I trust him, because I really, really want his help. 

I’d been so distracted I don't even realize that I’ve stolen back a good portion of the deck. “You’re making a comeback,” he says, and I look down to see that I have, and now I focus on the cards and continue to steal away his until he places his last card down, and 8, and I turn over my queen and smile, taking the last card and the pile. 

“You win,” he says, and leans over, lying down on the pillows, and he’s closer to me now and I can tell he’s tired. He’s usually tired, constantly casting a spell takes up a lot of energy and I don’t think he sleeps very well either. I considered offering to put him to sleep— after studying sleep cycles I experimented with myself. Problem was once I got to stage 2 I wasn’t conscious enough to purposefully go into REM, but then I brought it up with Jodi and she gave me permission to try it on her. Being in someone’s mind while they’re in REM is a really cool feeling, very intimate. It’s vulnerable in a real way, a way I didn’t expect. It’s really hard to get into someone’s mind while they’re asleep, but it turns out already being in opens up so much because all mental defenses are lowered. I don’t think Terran would appreciate the offer.

Instead, I say, “It’s kind of a relief for you to know about the college thing.”

“Oh?” He's still leaning against the pillow. 

I lean back so I’m next to him. “I didn’t want to keep it a secret but I know you don’t approve.” he looked like he was going to respond, so I added, “and I don’t want to hear it now.”

He stayed quiet.

“But I did want to just because I’ve learned a lot. How our minds work, even how our magic works. It’s crazy how much I was going on instinct before, but also how I was right about some things. I know where I’m going now, know what I’m doing.”

“You’ve always been smart,” he said, and his voice was sleepy, which was really sweet in a way I didn't expect, and I looked at him and he looked really tired but he was still watching me. 

I brushed away the compliment. “I did well in school because Mom taught me how to improve memory. You’re always a step ahead of me unless I lie to you.”

“No,” he replied.

“I don’t know my numbers, remember?”

This time his eyes were closed. “Numbers aren’t that important. You’re smart. You’ve always been.”

I didn't respond. My instinct was to argue with it but then I remembered Jodi telling me to stop arguing whenever I got a compliment. I hadn’t been smart enough to avoid Zachary. Hadn’t enough even to listen to Terran and stay far away from Calson. Hadn’t been smart enough to keep Jodi out of it, or Jesse.

I felt him fall asleep, drifting off. Felt him, relaxed. I stayed where I was for a while, just looked at him. His hair flopping against the pillow, his face relaxed for maybe the first time I’d ever seen it. I had the urge to reach out, to touch his face, his hair, but I decided against it, keeping my hands resting on the blanket. 

I wish I didn’t trust him so much. This whole thing, testing him— it’s testing me. Proving or disproving for myself. Maybe I shouldn’t be testing him anyway. I keep trusting him. I trust him without even thinking about it— saying I didn't was a lie, projecting the frustration that he didn’t trust me. But I shouldn’t trust him, not as much as I did. Did I trust him just because I liked him? Or did I trust him just because he’d saved my life? Maybe it was just gratitude. 

I got up, finding a quilt they’d put in the lower drawer and laying it over him so he’d have some warmth. He was in REM already. Dropping straight into REM was unusual, his body must be desperate for sleep. Moving him would have been close to impossible, and no way would I risk waking him. If I could I’d keep him in REM just so he could get a good night’s sleep, but it would bounce up to stage 4 and 3 soon. I undressed enough that I could sleep comfortably and turned off the light, getting under the covers enough so I was covered but didn’t disturb him, and closed my eyes and tried to fall asleep.

My chest tensed up. I was breathing shallowly, not deeply like I should be. My mind was alert—I could hear every sound, but specifically his breathing. Sleep breathing. I knew that. Slow and light. But all of me was alert to him and his presence and how close he was and I realized in an uncomfortable moment that it wasn’t a “Someone I like is very close to me” kind of alert.

I was scared.

Why was I scared? Why was my brain doing the “predators are close, not safe to fall asleep” signal? Hadn’t I just been trying to figure out why I trusted him so easily?

Maybe I didn’t trust him. At least not enough to sleep next to him. Not enough to give up consciousness around him. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.

It dragged on. I stayed still trying to tell myself to relax. Even trying to do what I’d done before, use magic to bring me into stage 1, but as soon as I tried to get to the next step I found myself fully aware again. 

I stared at him. He was the vulnerable one right now. He was asleep, not conscious in the slightest. Not me. Although I suppose he could wake before me.

I knew he wouldn’t hurt me. He wouldn’t harm me. He’d fucking risked his life for me. I knew that. And I knew he was always fighting me just because it was to keep me safe. And I knew he wasn’t the person he’d once been.

But I kept remembering that. Remembering that person. We’d reached a point of some level of friendship even before he’d saved me. But even then I’d been uneasy, alert. Watching my step. Knowing he was watching and judging me and it wasn't just about impressing him. Knowing how easily he could kill a person, without being barraged with guilt and thoughts of who that person was or could have been. Knowing that he viewed that in me as a weakness. I’d never expected him to save me. I hadn’t even expected to beg for my life, I’d accepted it. 

I’ve always been skeptical of the claim that fear and love are close. And it was love— even without attraction or romance or anything like that, I knew love, and I loved my friends and my family and Terran had become both, somehow. But now, staring at him, fear washing over me, maybe they were closer or more interchangeable than I thought.

Maybe I didn’t trust him. I should trust my body’s reactions, shouldn’t I? I should trust this fear, this instinct. I’ve never been good at instinct. Mika had been, she’d just deferred to me. And I thought it out, but not in the way that Terran did. He assumed people were lying, looked for reasons not to trust them, and I looked for reasons to trust them. So maybe I’d been wrong about Terran. Maybe that was the logical explanation for this. 

Or maybe, I realized, this wasn’t about him at all. Terran was a distraction from the real problem I was facing. A distraction from thinking about Jodi and the message and what I was going to do. 

I hadn’t planned to beg for my life. I’d made a decision and been ready to die for it. Just like now. But then when I was facing him, knowing it was about to end, I found myself asking, found myself reaching out to someone I wasn’t sure I could reach. I hadn’t wanted to die when it was facing me head on, and now it was again so of course I was scared. Of course I couldn’t sleep when it was very possible this was one of my last nights.

[the-peachpit]

Leave The Lights On (One Shot)

Relationship: Bokuaka

Warning: Major Character Death

Summary: Akaashi is home studying for classes when he gets a text from Kuroo. Tsuki was coming in to town and wanted to take Akaashi to the airport to pick him up. Akaashi left a note for Bokuto letting him know he was going out. 

Akaashi sat on the slightly dirty couch in his slightly dirty apartment that he shared with three other guys. One of which was his eccentric boyfriend who had insisted on taking only night classes for his junior semester. Of all his schemes this was Akaashi’s least favorite. Who even wanted night classes, to come home tired and stressed out about the next day before it even started? A smile crept across his face as he turned the page of the dry literary novel he had to read for class. His teacher praised it as some deep think piece, but really it was putting him to sleep. He usually enjoyed reading anything, but tonight he couldn’t make himself concentrate. He sighed putting the book down and standing up to stretch until he felt something pop. He migrated lazily towards the kitchen looking at the clock on the microwave. It was 10:30pm- Bokuto should have already been home. Akaashi checked his phone biting the inside of his cheek.

The last texted he had received from Bokuto was at 10pm letting Akaashi know he was on his way home. He was also hungry and was stopping by the local pizza place to grab a pie. Akaashi had replied asking for peperoni on his half knowing Bokuto would order an obscene amount of onions on his. Akaashi smiled again rereading the text message. It was Thursday after all- the pizza place was probably packed with kids who managed to score Fridays off by packing their schedule during the week. Kids like Akaashi and Bokuto, there was a perk to his all-night class plan, though Akaashi had the same results without sacrificing his precious sleep schedule. Deciding he was sick of wandering around in the living room Akaashi decided he would do his waiting in his bedroom where he could be comfortable and watch TV. He also knew he would fall asleep until Bokuto woke him with pizza and onion breath.

Akaashi turned off the lights in the living room before walking towards the front door his finger hovered over the light switch to the overhead kitchen light. He paused thinking about all the times Bokuto had come home complaining about tripping over things int eh dark when he got home from class. When Akaashi had asked him why he didn’t turn the light on he had a very Bokuto response.

“If I turn the light on, I’m worried I’ll wake you guys up. If the light’s already on, I won’t worry so much.”

“We all sleep with our doors closed, we’d never know,” Akaashi bluntly pointed out.

Bokuto puffed out his cheeks pouting.

Akaashi as always gave into Bokuto’s ridiculous request and even wrote a night to stick next to the light, ‘our great owl can’t see in the dark, please leave the light on for Bokuto.’ The note had long sense fallen off no longer willing to stick on the wall. The night Bokuto had seen it though he was so thrilled he bought dinner for everyone the next day. Bokuto was like that, you gave into one little request for him, and he would repay you tenfold to show how much he appreciated you.

Leaving the light on Akaashi made his way to his room and flipped on the purple Christmas lights that had adored his ceiling casting the room in an ominously soft glow. He had never had much interest in turning his room into the typical college apartment, he hadn’t even planned on decorating. Until Bokuto intervened deeming Akaashi’s room to boring to hang out in- which Akaashi did take offense to. His room was practical, Bokuto had about 800 bottles of water littering his desk. Akashi wondered if he’d thrown any of them out before class that night- he didn’t remember seeing the recycling bin full.

Changing into sweatpants Akaashi grabbed Bokuto’s old Fukurodani sweatshirt that he had left on his desk chair. He threw it on over his t-shirt, it smelled like it had bene bathed in axe body spray. Which wasn’t really Bokuto’s regular scent, he smelled more like a gentle wash of the stuff. However, Bokuto insisted on respraying it every once in a while, so it always smelled like him. At the time of said scent renewal Akaashi would complain about the stench it left in his room begging Bokuto to spray it in his own room. It was a lie though Akaashi thought as he laid in bed looking up at the purple dots zig zagging across his ceiling. He held the sweatshirt up to his nose- he was glad it still smelled like Bokuto.

Starring up at the ceiling Akaashi was glad Bokuto picked purple for his room, because when Bokuto sat above him like a puppy looking down on him, his yellow eyes glowed. They were almost luminescent- and they were beautiful. Akaashi never admitted it, but he could get lost in their gentle glow as Bokuto talked about what happened in his business class, actually making it sound interesting. That all happened before the shake down when Bokuto complained that Akaashi didn’t join him in the class. If he could have Akaashi would have, but it didn’t fit within his own schedule. Sometimes he thinks maybe he should have taken the class though- then Bokuto wouldn’t have to walk home alone. He wouldn’t need the light on to navigate the entrance, because Akaashi would turn the light on for him being his navigator. Turning his head to the side Akaashi heard his phone go off and he sighed rolling off his bed and trekking back over to his desk. He looked at his phone, and then he looked at the small index card sized picture of a barn owl mid-flight. He ran his fingers over the glossy photo- it made him think of Bokuto and his wild hair style sticking up in all directions. The wingspan in flight made Akaashi think of Bokuto’s fierce spike. The fierce spike that kept him on as an ace through college. Akaashi was surprised he had gotten to stay his setter as well; he wouldn’t have had it any other way though.

Finally opening his phone Akaashi saw a new text message from Kuroo.

‘Tsukishima is flying in tonight, want to come with us to get him?’

Akashi had totally forgotten.

‘Sure,” Akaashi answered.

‘Be there in ten’

Akaashi said nothing more choosing to give the owl photo one more glance before laying back on the bed his phone tight in his hand lying on his chest. He took a deep breath, his lungs felt tight.

A buzzing sound woke Akaashi up- he didn’t even realize he had fallen asleep.

“Hello,” Akaashi yawned slowly sitting up.

“We’re outside in the parking lot.” Kuroo’s deep voice answered form the other side.

“Be down in a minute,” Akaashi stifled another yawn.

Opening the door to the hallway his eyes adjusted to the kitchen light practically blinding him. He groaned deciding to stay in sweatpants, they were just going to the airport, and it was almost eleven anyway, who would care? He slipped on his shoes and paused looking at the kitchen light switch. He would leave it on for Bokuto. With that he walked out into the dimly lit hallway and made his way to the stare well pushing open the heavy door. He hurried down the set of stairs and walked out into the parking lot where he immediately spotted Kurro’s car running.

Sliding into the front seat Akaashi greeted Kuroo before turning around and seeing Kenma wordlessly playing a game in the back seat.

“How was your night? Roommate’s home?” Kuroo asked.

Akaashi shook his head, “It was just me tonight, kind of boring.”

Kuroo was silent as he started to pull out the only sound in the car was the low murmuring music, and the clicking of the keys on Kenma’s game system.

Kuroo looked up at the window where Akaashi’s apartment sat on the second floor, “You forget to turn the light off?”

Akashi shrugged, “I left it on, for Bokuto.”

Kenma turned up the volume on his game system.

Kuroo nodded, “Sounds like something he’d like.”

Akaashi wished he was as good as expressing his feelings as Bokuto was, then he could tell Kuroo how much it meant to him that he just nodded in understanding- even if he didn’t. Kuroo was never condescending or harsh with Akaashi, of course he had put up with Bokuto, and he had enjoyed his antics more then anyone. Unfortunately, Akaashi never picked up on that skill no matter how often he watched his boyfriend do it. He was terribly jealous of the way his boyfriend could make anyone feel warm, welcomed, and appreciated.

The drive was mostly silent with idle chit chat here and there from Kuroo- not so much Kenma, but he was always silent.

“Do you think Tsukishima brought Yamaguchi?” Akaashi asked.

Kuroo shook his head, “He didn’t mention it to me, but you know how he is. he probably didn’t want to bring Yamaguchi for this weekend.”

“I think it would be easier for him if Yamaguchi was also here,” Akaashi said while he watched the streetlights illuminate the car for small segments of time as they drove on the empty highway.

The tightness was back in Akaashi’s chest, he took a deep breath inhaling Bokuto’s scent. He wondered if Kenma even really wanted to be here, or if he would disappear into his room after they got Tsukishima settled in. During training camp Bokuto, Kuroo, and Tsukshima had gotten really close. Akaashi didn’t realize that Tsukishima was one to stay in contact with Bokuto after he graduated. Though Akaashi wondered if it was more through Bokuto’s persistent pestering. Once you were friends with Bokuto, there was no way out.

As another streetlamp illuminated a shimmer caught Akaashi’s eye. Looking at the floor he felt his strong resolve leave him as he reached down by his feet to pick up a glossy owl card turning it over with shaking hands.

“Akaashi,” Kuroo whispered catching the scene from the corner of his eye.

Akashi was trembling it was too dark to read the plan white side with scripted font, but he knew by heart what was written there. He had seen it a thousand times.

‘Pour your soul into each ball. Spike high Kotaro Bokuto.’

Unable to hold it in anymore Akaashi doubled over cupping his hand over his mouth embarrassed by his own emotions as fat tears streamed down his cheeks. It had been a year since Kotaro Bokuto had passed away in an accident on his way home from the pizza place. A hit and run, a completely anonymous person took Akaashi’s everything, and he didn’t even get to say goodbye. He didn’t even know who to be mad at, so he was mad at himself. For a year he’d silently beaten himself up, he should have walked Bokuto home, he should have gone with him to dinner- he should have been more concerned when Bokuto was late. He shouldn’t have fallen asleep.

“It was my fault,” Akaashi finally shouted doubled over into his palms.

The thought that had plagued him for a whole year, eating away at what was left of his shredded soul. Behind his cool exterior and façade of holding it all together, of dealing with it. He never dealt with it, he left a light on- he left a light on for Bokuto.

Akaashi felt a hand grab his shoulder, and when he picked his head up, he was almost surprised to see Kenma’s light brown eyes starring back at him. Leaning back in the seat Akaashi took a few deep breaths grounding himself with the weight of Kenma’s hand.

“It wasn’t your fault,” Kenma’s cool even tone sent a chill through Akaashi’s body.

Akaashi’s eyes widened before he felt a new surge of tears accompanied by loud wailing echoed off the walls of the car.

“Fuck,” Kuroo’s dark eyes left the road to look at Akaashi, “Never think that ever again,” Kuroo’s voice was gentler than Kenma’s, “It wasn’t your fault, it was a normal night. How could you have known? It was,” Kuroo sighed, “An accident.”

Akaashi sobbed all the way tot eh airport greatful when they parked as Kuroo and Kenma fought against the car’s interior to wrap Akaashi in a tight hug. Desperate to squeeze him back together. Repeated whispers of it wasn’t him. For once Akaashi felt the weight of his heart lift.

After collecting Tsukishima -who did come alone- Akaashi offered them to stay at his place. His roommates were all out of town for the weekend. He insisted they stayed. It was his small step to showing he was grateful for the friends he had. It wasn’t a huge grand gesture, but he knew Kuroo would appreciate not driving all the way back home with it already being well past midnight.

When everyone was settled in Akashi turned off all the lights, except for the kitchen light.

The light was on for Bokuto.

[captainchrisfics]

Oh, Baby

About: After finding out she’s pregnant with Chris Evans’s baby less than a year into their relationship, the first person pov narrator looks for comfort and advice from their fellow MCU cast members. Unbeknownst to her, Chris notices she’s shut him out and decides to confront her at the same time that she plans on letting him in.

Word Count: 4,070

Requested by: Anon

“Hey, I need to talk to you guys,” I said, trying to keep my voice level though I was sure I didn’t hide the panic in my eyes very well. Sebastian Stan stood outside his trailer, leaning against the wall while talking to Brie Larson. Exactly the two people I wanted to see. I was elated, just enough of a little thing going right can be enough of a relief. They were my fire extinguisher found in the middle of a blaze.

That was until they both turned, revealing Chris sitting behind them in a folding chair poised perfectly as if it was meant to keep him out of my view. Sometimes you realize the fire extinguisher is empty and you’re still utterly fucked, for lack of a better term. “Hey, babe,” Chris perked up with a smile, standing to greet me. He was in his Captain America costume, filthy from a fake battle with Thanos. That didn’t stop him from planting a kiss on my lips, which planted a dreadful anxiety that stemmed from the bottom of my nervous stomach. Chris pulled away, leaving my face sutty with makeup. “Hey,” I responded, hearing the high-pitched lilt in my voice. 

Chris’s smile dropped for a moment the same way my heart did. “What’s wrong?” he inquired sweetly, reaching out to hold my hand in comfort. He played with my fingers, lacing our hands together. When I pulled away, Chris looked at me with pleading eyes while I wiped my sweaty hands on my jeans. “Nothing,” I asserted too forcibly. “Just need to talk to Seb and Brie about our scene,” I recovered quickly with the first excuse that came to mind. “That’s not in my script,” Chris said with a slight frown, sure that he’d gotten the actual one from the Russo’s instead of one of the many full of misleading scenes for the sake of spoilers.

I hated lying to Chris, but I just couldn’t tell him yet. So I shrugged, trying to find some kind of elaboration as to why I’d need to talk to them about a scene that didn’t actually exist until Brie got the hint.

“It’s in mine,” she corroborated my story. “Same here,” Sebastian followed our lead, his eyes darting between us before nodding reassuringly at Chris. My boyfriend shrugged it off, letting me off the hook this time. Still, it was clear he didn’t take the bait entirely by the suspicious look in his eyes, calculating how much innocence I’d need to be proven guilty.

Chris hesitated for a beat too long before leaning in to peck my cheek, choosing not to fight this battle right now. “Have fun then. Love you,” he said with a controlled smile. I nodded my head, picking my nails uneasily and failing to listen enough to realize I should’ve replied. Instead, I turned and walked away with Seb and Brie in tow.

Although we’ve only been working together on Endgame for a short time, Brie and I were fast friends. There weren’t many women around, so we were incredibly close. As for Seb, we’d been best friends since we met filming The Winter Soldier. Now, on the set of the last installment of our MCU era, we were all trying to make the most of it. Constantly around and hanging out together, even if all of us weren’t even filming that day, which I was more grateful for now than ever.

The three of us walked stiffly back to my trailer where we could talk privately, but even once we were there I couldn’t seem to push any words passed the boulder in my throat. Sebastian and Brie sat across from me over the small kitchen island, staring at me expectantly.

“Is everything alright?” Seb finally asked softly, reaching across the counter to hold my hand. He rubbed small circles on the back of my hand with his thumb, patient eyes on me while my mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water. I gave up on speaking and instead pushed the two positive pregnancy tests I’d kept hidden in my pocket over the counter. I never thought something as small as the little, white plastic sticks could be so earth-shattering. That something so tiny, just a handful duplicating cells at this point, could feel so heavy.

Brie held one up as if she was checking that she was seeing clearly. I didn’t believe it either, but the second, faint pink line was really there. “If this is part of that prank war, I’m going to kill you,” Seb said incredulously, his hand holding mine falling limp as his jaw hit the floor.

“I wish it was,” I said with a dry laugh, tears starting to prickle the corners of my eyes. “I went to the doctor today. I’m only around six weeks along, but she took this anyway just to make sure.” I slid the sonogram across the counter. It was too early to see much other than the dark gap in the middle of my organ, hosting a blurry ring of white so small the nurse drew a silver Sharpie arrow to point it out.

Brie just sat looking at me dazed as if she thought this was a dream. “Do you know what you’re going to do?” she asked. She was careful when picking up the picture, holding it daintily from the edges.

“I don’t know,” I confessed. Saying it out loud made it that much more of a reality. I didn’t know what I was going to do. “I’m sorry to dump this on you guys like this. I-” I stopped when my voice cracked, choking back the tears threatening to fall. “I just didn’t know who else to talk to. I mean, I want to tell Chris so badly. I want him to be happy. But what if…” My voice kept growing quiet until it ceased, trailing off before I could indulge my newfound fears that simultaneously became my deepest. What if he isn’t? What if he didn’t want it? What if he didn’t want me? What if this ruins everything?

“If I’m sure of one thing,” Brie said, calm as you always cross your fingers in hope the sea will be, something I found comfort in. “Chris loves you. Tremendously and unconditionally. That counts for so much,” she assured with contagious confidence. Seb agreed with a nod of his head. “You know we’re always here for you and he is, too. Honestly,” Sebastian said with a stiff upper lip, “I think he’ll be over the moon.”

“We haven’t been together very long,” I said in protest, chewing on my bottom lip with anxiety. Although Chris and I have known each other for years, it wasn’t until only a handful of months ago we started dating. It was one of the many cards I realized were stacked against us as I stared at those sticks for what felt like forever as if they held the key to all of this. “What if he isn’t ready to do this yet? What if he doesn’t want to do it with me?” I spit out before I could decide to bottle up those poisonous personal thoughts.

Sebastian placed a strong hand on my shoulder, tethering me down to Earth. “Hey,” he said gently. “It’s all going to be alright. Chris is basically already a dad, save for the whole having a child bit. Until now, I guess.” Seb gave a half-hearted smirk, trying his crack at comedic relief.

“Yeah,” Brie agreed. “You’ve seen him with his sisters’ kids. And even on set, everyone’s families are always around. He adores kids as much as they love him, yours won’t be any different.”

The problem was that, in my head, I knew she was right. I knew Chris talked about how he couldn’t wait to settle down way before we got together. I knew he would never turn his child away. But, in my heart, I didn’t feel it. I felt scared. I felt like there were all of these other crushing ways he would react and partly irrational reasons for him to reject me and our baby. Our baby. I couldn’t tell if that had a certain ring to it or if it was more of a sound of alarm. “What matters is if you want this,” Brie implored, holding one of my hands between two of hers as she radiated support.

“I know,” I sighed, the defeat I heard in my own voice being depressing in itself. “I do. It just… wasn’t supposed to happen like this,” I choked out, finally letting a few tears slip. As quickly as the fracture in my dam appeared, the crack spread until it was all turned to rubble, allowing the crashing waves of tears to flood my cheeks without a hope to stop them. I felt like I couldn’t breathe, like the dam’s remnants were weighing heavy on my chest and caving my rib cage. Brie and Seb both swooped in to hug me, but they only suffocated me more.

“Everything alright in there?” Downey suddenly asked. His suspicious tone was accompanied by loud taps on the trailer’s door. “Swear I’ll kick Evans’s ass to the ends of the Earth if it isn’t,” he said, sounding every bit of the protective dad he is to me. 

I nodded to encourage Sebastian, who was staring at me expectantly as he moved to the door slowly, waiting for me to stop him. As soon as Robert entered the room, his face softened with slumped eyebrows and a slack jaw. “We were walking by and heard some crying,” he explained gently. I noticed Tom Holland, who must have been accompanying RDJ to his own town of trailers, following in suit. Tom kept his distance, still so new around all of us he was trying to find his place among our family.

Robert took a seat next to me and leaned forward as he waited for me to speak. He grabbed my hands in his and waited patiently, for me to summon the courage he seemed to seep. Robery’s eyes trained on the stick I’m sure he recognized as a pregnancy test before widening with realization, but he continued to sit in suspense nonetheless. 

“I found out that I’m uh...” I stopped to swallow the lump in my throat. “Pregnant,” I finally sobbed out. It didn’t get any easier. Downey broke out into a smile, jumping to his feet and pulling me up with him before drawing me in to a bone-crushing hug. “I know it’s scary as hell,” Robert whispered with the wisdom of an experienced father. His tone telling me he understood all too well how terrifying the instability of life when you needed it to be secure could be. “And it doesn’t feel like it now, but I promise this is one of the best moments of your life.” 

“I mean, yeah duh,” I joked in a sorry attempt to lighten the mood. “It’s not every day you get a bear hug from RDJ.” He held me at arms length and looked me up and down slowly, though I couldn’t tell exactly what he was looking for. Until his eyes hit mine with a look of pride and I realized he was taking one last look at the small, helpless caterpillar I felt like before I entered my cocoon and emerged a much stronger, beautiful butterfly. “Really, I promise you’ll be proud of who you are when you come out on the other side and you’ll have this incredible little person with you along the way.” He caressed my cheek, wiping some tears with his thumb. 

“Yeah,” Tom said from where he stood by the door with enough excitement for the both of us combined. His age didn’t allow for the kind of seasoned support Robert did, but his youth provided for a more optimistic outlook. He bit his bottom lip hesitantly, thinking over what he was going to say carefully. “You’ve become one of my favorite people and Chris has, too. It’s going to be so awesome having a little combo of you two running around.” Some may call it naïveté, but Tom telling me it was all going to be okay with the assuredness of someone who hadn’t seen how terribly wrong it could go yet was exactly what I needed. 

“Thank you. All of you,” I choked up again. This time it was a tidal wave of love I was surrounded by that seemed to drown me, filling me from the bottom of my heart with a sudden inner peace until it poured out in appreciation for the friends around me.

Seb was the first to hug me, whispering congratulations in my ear as he buried his face in my shoulder as he hid the falling tears. “I can’t believe you’re going to be a mom,” he said solemnly.

“Me either,” RDJ remarked as he joined in, followed by Tom who hurdled into us like he just entered the atmosphere. Brie stretched as she tried to wrap her arms around everyone. There, in the middle of almost all the people I loved huddled together in a rally of support, I suddenly realized how my heart still ached for something missing. Someone, rather.

“I’ve got to tell him… But how can I do that?” I questioned contemplatively, thinking out loud more than anything. Considering the aftershocks I was still experiencing from the kind of quaking surprise that turned your whole world on its axis, I didn’t want to put Chris through the same calamity. My friends pulled away, though they all stayed close. “Ever seen Full House?” Tom suggested, causing the rest of us who were around when it was on air and immensely popular to break into laughter. Still, it got me thinking. Maybe the kid was on to something.

Chris stormed into the place we were renting out for the duration of filming earlier than I anticipated and with more aggression than I expected. I headed over here after everyone wished me luck and left, shooting Chris a text to meet me back here once he was done filming so we could talk asap. He opened the message but didn’t respond, which I would’ve taken personally if I didn’t know how much I’d pissed him off. Instead, he swung the front door open with an unexpected force almost half an hour earlier than he’d been scheduled to.

I sighed as I pulled the baby back ribs out of the oven so I could plate them along with the peas and baby carrots, knowing he was unhappy just by the rush of his heavy footsteps. Chris walked up behind me with crossed arms and a stern expression. His lips pressed together and eyebrows furrowed as he demanded, “What is up with you lately?”

I tilted my head and hummed in question, trying to play dumb. He called me out for it immediately, but I turned away from him. Facing the kitchen counter, I took off my oven mitts before returning to preparing dinner, gathering silverware and napkins.

“Don’t act like you don’t know how distant you’ve been,” Chirs huffed, hands on his hips.” Hell, you didn’t even bother to say you loved me too after you blatantly lied. That hurt,” Chris raved, his pain exploding into frustration and spreading shrapnel with a fevered wave of his hands around the kitchen. Sometimes it was hard to tell when he was really that vexed or a Bostonian by nature and nurture. Now, I had a feeling it was a dangerous cocktail of both I wasn’t prepared to stir. If only there was a bit more traffic coming home, all I needed were a few more minutes to get the table set.

“I’m sorry,” I said dismissively while compiling all the utensils in one hand and the plates in my other. “Be a dear and grab the water and some cups please,” I instructed before heading into the dining room.

Chris rolled his eyes dramatically, chastising me for ignoring him. “Y-you’re sorry?” he exhorted a bit dumbfoundedly, but he’d already lost his audience. “I’m not dropping this,” Chris grumbled, snatching the decanter from the fridge along with some wine glasses. “Sure you don’t want Merlot with those ribs?” he asked, unaware of his own innocence. Chris’s proposed pairing would’ve been great if not given my circumstance. He still sounded indignant, but his blissful ignorance nearly elicited a laugh I had to stifle with a cough before turning the alcohol down.

“It isn’t right of you to shut me out, worse of you to lie to me,” Chris continued ranting. He was right on my heels down the hall, clinging the crystal together in one hand sloppily. Knowing I’d break and ruin the surprise once I saw the hurt in his eyes, I busied myself with making sure the napkins were perfectly perpendicular to the table’s edge. “We’re supposed to be in this together,” he protested, just short of stomping his foot. “And now you won’t even look at me!” Chris snapped sharply. He slammed the contents of his hand down on the table with a harsh thud, unconcerned for the splash zone he created. He was running out of patience so fast he could’ve placed in the Olympics. 

My eyes cast downward as I took my seat at our table nonetheless, trying to ignore Chris’s tantrum. He remained standing upright, stubborn and immovable. ��Can you at least acknowledge me, damn it!” Chris yelled, striking the wooden table so hard the water quivered again. The veins protruding from his neck and forehead slowly started to subside with a few deep breaths as Chris realized he wasn’t going to get the screaming match he wanted. “All I want to do is talk to you,” he pleaded, the defeat of a battle that didn’t ensue evident in his voice.

“You’re right,” I said calmly, my eyes snapping up to his, overcome with surprise. “Sit down then and let’s talk.” I cut a carrot in half and popped it in my mouth, watching as Chris was taken aback by my repose. He came to a fight I’d already predicted, seeing the storm in the forecast allowed me to be prepared with an umbrella. Chris stood up straighter before pulling out the chair and sitting before the plate I’d set out for him. “How do you like dinner tonight? Thought I’d try something relevant-”

“The only thing relevant to this conversation is you telling me exactly what your problem has been and- wait, what?” Chris said in a flurry, going from exasperation to perplexion faster than a sports car from zero to sixty. “How could ribs, peas, and baby carrots possibly be relevant right now?” Apparently, he wasn’t just full, but overflowing with confusion to the point that his anger was completely diluted.

“I knew the peas would be confusing, but Sebastian insisted it was brilliant,” I explained. Chris spluttered, trying to make sense of my cryptic words. “You see,” I picked up a small pea, holding it in between my thumb and index finger and raised it up to be level with Chris’s blue eyes. “This is how big a fetus is at six weeks. They’re already growing up fast, huh?”

“A-a fetus?” he stuttered like it was his first time saying the word out loud. Chris’s eyes searched frantically from the pea in my hand to the pile on his plate along with the other things accompanying it. Puzzle pieces he started to put together, an image that he began to bring into focus. Once it hit him, Chris sat back in his chair and braced himself against the table by the heels of his hands like he was thrown back by the force of a metaphorical and literal shock.

This was the moment I’d been dreading. The terrible in between when it was all up in the air. When everything was out of my control and, for better or worse, in his.

“Oh, baby,” Chris said, his use of the pet name being soft and breathy. He closed his eyes as he leaned in toward me again. Placing an elbow on the table and resting his chin on his hand. His anger had brought Chris to a boiling point, but now he sat before me completely melted. Soft and gooey from the inside out, the irate lines of his cross face molded into crow’s feet by his smiling eyes and defined the apples of his cheeks as he broke out into a grin. “A baby.”

Chris said the word like it was a blessing rather than a curse. A sunny day instead of a storm. A solution as opposed to a problem. A miracle in lieu of an accident. Everything I’d hoped he’d feel, but the thought was too good to be true in the face of every other reaction. Everything I’d wanted to think, but what I couldn’t allow myself to believe out of the fear of getting my hopes up.

“I wanted to tell you,” I finally confessed. “I just wasn’t sure how you’d take it. Not that I don’t think you’d make an incredible father. Honestly, all day I’ve been thinking about you with our little bundle in your arms. I mean, we haven’t been together long and it’s a big step for anyone let alone-” Keeping things from Chris wasn’t something I was used to and now, with the brazen ability to share everything with him again, the words spouted out of me like an erupting volcano, full of excited energy and nowhere else for it to go but pouring out.

Until Chris cut me off with a kiss. Leaning across the table, his lips were still stretched in a smile when they met mine. He didn’t mean to shut me up because of some kind of antipathy to my side, but rather because he already understood. I didn’t need to waste air I could’ve spent kissing him on explaining myself when Chris comprehended it. Instead, he told me everything I needed without saying a word. He still loved me, but more than that he loved us. He still wanted me, but our baby as well.

Chris pulled away sooner than I wanted him to, but I could have lived in that moment forever if the world let us. Like nothing happened, he picked up a rib and took a bite out of it. Chris sat back in his chair again and nodded contemplatively. “I know it wasn’t planned but it just feels so…” He stared down at his plate like it held the answers.

“Right,” I finished his sentence, realizing that, with his support, it was. Chris nodded in agreement. “That’s it,” he said as he picked up his fork to reach for the meal that had already grown cold. “Right,” he said, meaning it more in a sense of agreement. “I’ve wanted kids my whole life and I’m grateful to have you as their mom,” he reached across the table to grasp my hand in his gently. “We’re speaking in plurals now?” I joked in deflection since I couldn’t properly express how he made my heart burst with anything other than a squeeze of his hand. Chris chuckled as he backtracked, “Maybe not yet, but I just can’t believe we’re going to be parents.”

“If you don’t believe it, you better see it,” I said, reaching for the folded photo I kept in my pocket and handing it to him so Chris could conceptualize his child with something other than carrots. “I think he looks like you.” Chris let his fork clatter to the table as he held the sonogram up and shook his head, still unable to completely find the right words. “How do you know it’s a he?” Chris asked, quirking an eyebrow up to which I shrugged simply. It was just a feeling.

Chris turned back to his plate, staring bug-eyed at the themed dish in front of him. “A baby,” he repeated in a whisper to himself, almost like a promise. “Gotta be really honest with you,” he said seriously, causing my breath to catch behind a lump in my throat. Chris turned to me with a pronounced tilt of his head, fighting back a smirk, as he said, “I feel kinda weird about eating the peas now.”

[seenashwrite]

Notes From Nash: Season 15 Episode 2

We're back! And by that, I don't mean back for episode #2, I mean we're back in the little town, same little town we were in for the majority of episode #1. And as far as how ep #2 compares with ep #1.... um.....  

The writers ain't in no damn rush to advance the plot or further character development, are they? So this is basically ep #1 all over again with some guest star overload as a substitute for those two very important aspects of storytelling I just mentioned.

[stares at date]

They've got *how* many eps to wrap up the show? 

Hoo-boy.

Spoilers below the cut.

Changing it up from last time (see link at bottom), I thought I'd go in order of the ep this post. All right. Let's roll.

From the mom who gets 86'd in the opening------

And, PS: That's not disemboweled. Don't use the word if you (a) don't know what it means and/or (b) won't let make-up/effects do their job.

-----to the rest of the people, I care nothing. There was no point giving all these extras lines and whatever little backstories, I give no fucks. Mainly because, gee, I don't know, I signed up for a show about two brothers goin' out there and gettin' after it, and thus far we've gone about two inches and gotten nothing.

Are we still in this little town?

More questions, borrowing from the dialogue some here:

"Remember when we did the thing with Amara?"

"God's sister?"

"And the soul bomb? And here's how it worked? Remember? Because you participated? REMEMBER?! I'm not just saying this for the benefit of, oh wait, no one, because the chances of brand new viewers coming into the game this late is virtually nil, so everyone - including us, here, in this scene, our characters - already know this backstory, ergo the only reason for exposition anvils is to benefit those viewers, who - as we've already established - likely don't exist. So let's run through this for the benefit of, I have to assume, the writers who don’t actually, you know, watch the show as evidenced by--- well, we’d be here all day."

Nope. No, no. Those aren't questions I had. Because I've been watching the show for a good while now. This exchange should’ve been something to the effect of - “I was thinking - remember how we did the soul bomb, with Amara? Do you think you could pull off something like that? To trap them?” and then Rowena responds with uncertainty but will give it a try, etc. I mean, the writing in this ep is thus far pedestrian.

There's still no explanation for why these ghosts - especially these super notorious ghosts like Ripper and Lizzie and who-fuck-ever - were lingering so close together that they were able to be trapped by the stupidest ex machina spell in the writing world. And what of the others? The entirety of hell escaped. We've seen, what, maybe 20? Could there maybe have been a throw-a-way line to Belphagor something like “Did you corral the worst douchebags together”, or “Is there a bar in hell where the worst douchebags hang out or something”, or “this is just our luck that the worst douchebags landed here” or WHATEVER, just SOMETHING to acknowledge they (the writers) recognize that Convenient Super Bad Ghosts Are Convenient.

IT'S KETCH, BITCHES!

I love this character. What a breath of fresh air that snarky piece of ass has been. I hope he doesn't get killed. He will. Because we can't have anything good. But there is some good, which is the Ketch-Rowena flirting. Honestly, I'm fine with Rowena getting action from anyone. She's awesome and she's earned it. Ketch is primo catch, though. (I'm not sorry for that sentence. I am, but I'm not.)

The repeated use of Belphagor's name pleases myself and my podcast co-host. Should you wish to know more about that demon, please do check out our podcast. Don't look him up first, trust us. That they have chosen this particular demon's name is just *chef's kiss*, though I do hope it's not a foreshadowing for how the rest of the season is going to go. Okay fine, I'll spoil it: he's a shit demon. He deals in poo. Literally. I'm not lying. Go forth to the podcast @youtotallymadethatup​ - just about every post links you to where you can listen. /shameless self-promo

IT'S AMARA, BITCHES!

Let's hope that wardrobe does her better than that ill-fitting black dress this go 'round, she deserves better.

"You're the darkness, I'm the light."

STOP IT. STOP. FUCK. STOP.

Are we still in this little town?

Blah blah blah Castiel Dean angst repeating essentially what's already been said at the end of 14 and last week blah. "You know what's real? We are." Not if it's an alternate timeline, my love. 

I keep forgetting just how many spaced-out chains you need to have strewn about your standard meat packing plant and/or factory, well played, set dec and props. That.... that was sarcasm.. (Look, I got no beef with the crew, they're just playing the cards they've been dealt, and their hands are garbage, just a pile of same ol' same ol' stereotypical, unimaginative stuff, so bless them. I hope every single one of them has a job lined up next year, truly. They have more than paid their dues and earned it. Lord knows especially since certain parties took the reins, good night nurse. I've digressed. )

IT’S KEVIN BI----

This is dumb. This is actually dumb. In case you didn't see my half-time post, and I quote:

That is *three* in under twenty minutes. Like, it’s episode 2. You’re blowing your wad. Pace yourselves. AND MAYBE SOME STORY ADVANCING, THAT WOULD BE AWESOME

This bullet thing could be hella interesting. It *could* be. I wonder if it will be. 

These ghosts are painfully uninteresting. The guy playing the Ripper is horribly miscast. This needed to be someone who... who.... I dunno, is a good actor. He's not. Sorry, Pops. I mean, even Osric (who is an excellent actor) couldn't elevate that scene.

This episode is painful.

Are we still in this little town?

Ketch got knocked out, left alone with ghost, deffo gonna get possessed. 

Are we still talking to these ghosts? Why? Why is Kevin thinking he can go up against them alone? I'm not exactly sure what threat they are to him, can't he just disappear and whoosh somewhere else? I missed something, I must've missed something. It doesn't matter, none of this matters.

Okay, Belphagor says there's at least a hundred. Still, what would that be, like 1/2500000000th of hell? Why are the Winchesters, of all people, and now Rowena concentrating on this stupid little town----

Are. We. Still. In. This. Little. Town.

---why in the fuck aren't the most renowned hunters of modern time and their angel friend and the powerful witch friend and the friend with immense tactical knowledge regarding weaponry for supernatural shit not at the bunker strategizing and planning and... and... and.... I just.... 

Lookit, I've said this before: especially in fantasy/sci-fi stuff, if you are logical in every possible place you can be, if you nail the simple shit, then the audience is exponentially more likely to buy into the fantastical stuff, and also to be more forgiving (or not notice altogether) when you inevitably whiff, because nobody's perfect, of course. But this show in later years has notoriously screwed the pooch on the easy stuff, and here we are, in some needlessly convoluted mess right out of the gate in the last season ever.

::sighs::

Oh, look. Because of course he's possessed. You left him alone with a ghost. I'm neither a professional writer nor a psychic, I'm just thinking "What is predictable as possible?" and saying that. You try it. It's worked for me so far.

"I tried to heal him it didn't work" - well maybe he's still residually possessed. Or maybe you suck. Sorry Cas, you don't deserve that. It's not you. It's not me, either. It's them. It's the writers. I don't know what this line is about unless they're teeing up Cas to be even more neutered than he already is. I legit don't know, I can't think, I'm so irritated right now. 

"Nothing to hold you anywhere" - what? Really? Seriously? So what are you and Dean? Y'all ain't his family? Let that little badass haunt the bunker. He'd be the most awesome research assistant ever. Now THAT is a good plot point, have ol' Kev be home base, helping coordinate whatever's coming. Oh here we go, swishy swishy hand, magic hole, nobody knows why this demon can do all this shit, and Kevin's gone. Why? WHY. My idea is better. No way Osric would blow your guest star budget, it appears to be shaping up to be immense, especially with all the money you've saved so far on location(s). 

Shoulda kept him rest of season, let him assist, then his final reward is getting into heaven for reals when Cas (they'll probs kill him, tho) or Amara (maybe, seems too obvi a choice tho, and she doesn't give a shit about beng a ruler, we knew that back in whatever season that was) or Jack (because why not, it's the most ridiculous idea, since he's got the mind of a toddler, meaning it's something the writers would think is a great idea) or Billie (wild card guess) is the new God. Or have him brought back to life, fuck, I don't care.

So is the bullet trapping Chuckster on earth, is the question, and if so what kind of all-knowing deity puts a weapon in the hand of a potential enemy that could render him even a *touch* weaker? Where's the long game, there? What could any possible reasoning be? 

Okay, well, the scenes between Emily and Rob have been the best part of the episode, as well as the interaction with Ruthie and DHJ. Everything else fell flat. J2M seemed to be bored and phoning it in, and it's not often that can be said about any of those three.

I swear, if the preview shows that we're still in this little town for episode #3.... wait, is that the crypt from ep #1?.... are.... are we..... 

ARE WE STILL IN THIS LITTLE TOWN

What have we learned? Other than Chuck, no character development. The plot remains that some ghosts-interchangeably-used-with-souls from hell are trapped in a confined area, and it was via a tenuous spell provided by a demon whose motivations are unknown, and there's something up with that bullet wound. We knew those already.

(There's possibly something wrong with either Cas or Ketch -- or else that's something that will be completely forgotten was ever mentioned -- but we don't know either way and we don't know what it is, therefore we didn't learn anything; if this does ultimately turn out to be something, then we'll count it as a learned item for that episode.) 

So, minus learning that Chuck is weakened somehow and that at least for right now Amara’s not exactly in his corner, we're in the exact same place story-wise that we were in last week. 

And looks like we'll be back there again next week. 

See you next week, I guess.

=================================

Past posts, from newest to oldest (and I sometimes do addendums if a response warrants)

Episode 1

.

[drunklander]

Drunj!Der Yells About Outlander

Thoughts on Ep. 306

GUYS THEY’RE FINALLY BACK TOGETHER AND THE WHOLE POINT OF WATCHING THIS DAMN SHOW IS ACTUALLY ON MY TV AGAIN!

Like I feel like I’ve been waiting for this episode since the end of season one. I didn’t get sucked into the show because of the adventures du jour. I got sucked in because of the relationship between Jamie and Claire. Their intimacy. The intimacy they had even before the wedding. Yes, shenanigans need to happen around them or it’d just be a bunch of fluff, but watching how they go through the shenanigans *together* was kind of the whole point for me.

And the beginning of this season was obviously supposed to make the reunion feel earned, but with the lack of story on Claire’s side, it really kind of felt like a chore to slog through it at times.

But! This episode really was a great reminder of why I’ve stuck with the show with one glaring exception which I’m still salty about but not at all surprised by, and I *really* hope that they’re not going to treat it as a one and done.

Like in season one no matter what else was going on in the episodes, time was spent on building Jamie and Claire’s relationship before they got together and then time was spent figuring out what kind of couple they were going to be. *pretends the search doesn’t exist* Season two started with them dealing with Jamie’s rape, which it should have, but then when they came back together it was for like *a minute* before they basically then just started fighting over “saving” Frank. And then they lost Faith but the show skipped over them coming back together after that. Like suddenly they were just all ok and happy again, but literally for only one scene before going off to war. The investment in their relationship was put on the back burner and I think the show suffered because of it.

So now they’re *finally* back together and I *really* hope that this episode is just the jumping off point for showing them rebuilding their life together. Yes, I’m very much aware that they can’t spend every episode in a room together in various stages of undress. I’m not asking for that. I’m just hoping that the show goes back to the way they did things in season one. Where yes, stuff is happening and shenanigans ensue, but their relationship is still regularly given the attention it needs.

Anywho, that got longer than I meant it to... Sorry... Rambling nonsense and pterodactyl screeches are under the cut.

Apparently Jamie inherited his mother’s curse of having literally everyone fall in love with him or lust after him. Like are they trying to make it that Mme Jeanne is super into Jamie or something?

The music from Lallybroch as Jamie walks to work gives me life but also kind of makes me sad. Like he’s built a life for himself! He has his shop! He has shenanigans with Fergus! He’s content! But at the same time he’s living under a different name and his home at Lallybroch is no longer his home...

Although I’m glad I’m not the only one in this fandom who went straight to Beauty and the Beast as he’s walking through the street, tipping his hat to literally everyone. *group high five*

Him like polishing the sign with a finger and then being like nope, gotta go full arm makes me smile.

How did Hayes not get transported? Like it’s def the same dude from Ardsmuir, so how is he not in the Colonies with everyone else? Whatever. Not important... Treason is the point here, haha.

Geordie looks like Young Simon Fraser/Lovat so much it’s mildly distracting. And tbh, as much as he has a stick up his ass, I def feel him on wanting to know the required morning duties in advance.

Hai Bonnie! Who’s a good press. You are!

Ok holding the sheet up like that in the title card is cheesy? Idk. The second sheet just lying there worked for me though? But who cares. It’s a fucking title card. Moving on.

OMG SHE’S REAL AND HE’S REAL AND THEY’RE REAL IN THE SAME PLACE AND OMG GROUP HUG BECAUSE IT’S FINALLY HAPPENINGGG!

I wasn’t really a fan of the alepot thing in the book? Like it’s already awkward without Jamie needing to take off his pants? 

OK BUT THEIR FACES THROUGH THIS WHOLE BIT WITH HIM LOOKING AT HER RING AND HER TELLING HIM HOW SHE NEVER TOOK IT OFF, I CANNOT HANDLE IT.

Asking if he can kiss her is my favorite. Except them kissing. That’s really my favorite. But consent, y’all. It’s sexy af.

BEAR WHY DON’T YOU MURDER ME WITH THE SWELL OF THEIR THEME YOU BEAUTIFUL BASTARD.

Jamie, this is a beautiful monologue, but she def touched you at Culloden. They literally had her touch him in ep. 301. But whatever, it was a vision, you can’t feel a vision. This isn’t the point. The point is OMG THEY’RE TOGETHER AND REALLY THERE AND MAKING OUT AND AHHHHHH.

Ok, I’m 1000% blanking. Was the “don’t be afraid, there’s the two of us now” line in the show before this? I can’t remember. Or is it just a thing for book people that we’re supposed to just accept was at some point a thing between them off-screen in the show? I’m really asking.

Oops, that distracted me from squeeing over how they like remember all their whatever the word is for an in-joke that’s not a joke and is actually something really romantic. Because squeee!

In Geordie’s spare time, he’s part of Edinburgh’s recreational cockblocking league. We’ll meet some of his teammates later on in the episode. No one really likes them. They’re basically the worst.

“Our child?” “Our daughter?” *has feelings*

LOOK HOW HAPPY CLAIRE IS TO TELL JAMIE ABOUT BREE! LOOK AT HER! SHE’S FUCKING BEAMING! SHE’S FUCKING GLOWING RIGHT THERE! I CANNOT REMEMBER THE LAST TIME I SAW FUCKING CLAIRE LOOKING THAT FUCKING HAPPY. IT’S A BEAUTIFUL FUCKING SIGHT.

Ok but them being insecure about aging is fucking adorable and I love them so fucking much.

Ok so the pictures. I’m a bit torn about this sequence...

I hated that Jamie tells Claire he doesn’t like Bree’s name in the book and I hate that that’s his first reaction here. Like seriously, dude? This is your child. The child you sent your wife away to save. The child she raised without you because you made her go. And the first thing you’re going to tell Claire after she shows you the photos is that she picked an awful name? Wtf. I don’t care if he’s kidding around or whatever. It’s a fucking weird thing to say.

I *do* love that he brings up Faith and calls her Bree’s sister. Because she is and he hasn’t forgotten her and neither has Claire because how could they and it makes me want to hug them both.

“You’re a doctor now?” “Surgeon.” “You always were one. Now you have the title to go wi’ it.” Yaaas. I will always and forever love how much Jamie appreciates and respects Claire’s skills.

Ok for real they should have just cut the dog. I get it’s in the book. And they forced it into that other episode just so they could have it in the pictures. But like it seems like a weird, super not important thing to go out of their way to include? But whatever, who cares.

So the Willie stuff. I’m glad they’re getting it out of the way now. It always seemed super weird that Jamie never told Claire until almost the end of the book and it was weird that LJG was the one to tell her first. But the way they did it doesn’t work well for me. Like yes. Tell her up front. Tell her when you’re talking about your children. That makes sense. But the way they have it play just doesn’t work.

Like the whole time he’s looking at the photos of Bree, his child with the woman he loves more than anything, the child they were separated to save, he keeps his strong emotions in check. Like he’s clearly moved, dumbass comment about her name aside, but he’s restrained. And then he’s talking about Willie and he like becomes so animated and excited. Like I get that this is one of the only times he’s been able to talk openly about Willie being his son. And to share how much he loves him. But it definitely makes the two of them talking about Bree seem shortchanged.

I kind of wish he’d given Claire the gift of knowing that Willie was conceived under coercion or at least that it was a one time thing. Like no need to get into all the details, but just saying he’s a bastard doesn’t provide much context. Especially for someone whose husband had a longterm affair. Which he doesn’t know, but still...

Maybe they’re playing it this way so that in ep. 308 or whenever Claire finds out about Laoghaire and her girls, the Willie stuff might come back around in their fight? Maybe? Bueller? Guess we’ll find out in two weeks...

Same with how it was for Claire to be with Frank all those years? Like in this initial convo she gives the most watered down, BS description of her life with him so maybe that’ll come back around too? Because they didn’t really “make it work”? He was terrible to her and treated her like shit and she just endured it for the sake of Bree?

Really I’m just looking forward to that damn fight. Because they need to have the fight to get into the meaty work of coming back together.

HAI FERGUS! Fergus got hot. Fergus knows he got hot. It’s somehow endearing.

I’m so fucking glad they changed the hook to a wooden hand. So. Fucking. Glad.

This scene really makes me wish that we’d gotten something of Claire missing Fergus during her half of things in the earlier episodes. Like my kingdom for a scene of Claire telling Bree about her French Scottish pickpocket brother. I know technically Bree knows about Fergus because Claire told her the whole story, but like, they expanded that relationship so much last year that I wish he had come up at some point. *forces self to stop dwelling on my general dislike of how Claire’s story was handled*

They really doubled down on the book’s already not-at-all subtle foreshadowing that Jamie’s already married...

Wouldn’t Claire have given some thought to explaining where she’d been before she went back? Like she definitely knew if she found Jamie, she’d probably be running into some of the other people she knew also? Whatever. Wherever they said she ended up, it’s always going to be weird because like how would she have known where to find Jamie?

It kinda bugs me, and by kinda I mean it really bugs me, that Claire starts to say Randall when she’s introducing herself to Willoughby. Like yes, that’s the name she went by for the last 20 years. And she’s in the habit of saying it. But she literally just went back in time and found her husband and is like in the midst of a very emotional time where she is very aware of the identity she’s actively reclaiming. It would have worked better for me if she’d started to say Fraser. Like she’s excited she *finally* gets to say that again only to have Jamie cut her off and that leading to the same questions she has as it plays out now, but with like the added layer of emotion that comes with not being able to use the name she’s wanted to use for so long.

I’m cautiously optimistic about Willoughby? Like fuck him for cheating the hooker out of her money, but he can be a garbage person without being a racist caricature?

Cool so now we have treason, questionable marital status and smuggling drama for Jamie. Seems like plenty to set up the shit that’s going to hit the fan next week without a certain scene they decided to end the episode with...

Ok but with Jamie’s face and Willoughby’s grin, it’s super obvious he didn’t *just* say honorable wife, implying again that something’s up with Claire’s status as Jamie’s wife. But I’m glad they changed it to Chinese because the first wife thing in the book was like so on the nose that it was weird Claire never asked why he kept saying that.

For real though. They’re not being subtle at all...

I love that Claire calls him Yi Tien Cho as she says goodbye though. Yay for treating him like an actual person and not “Jamie’s pet” as he’s literally described in the book.

This introduction to the brothel is very Game of Thrones-y in terms of the randos banging everywhere.

I didn’t like Mme Jeanne being a bitch to Claire in the book and I’m not a fan of it here. Like the lady clearly has the hots for Jamie or whatever they decided to do for the show, but we already have one person who’s terrible to Claire because she wants Jamie and that person is about to come back so do we really need another? And I know that it’s partly so that Claire feels insecure or whatever and questions Jamie, but like I feel like the fact that he’s on friendly terms with Mme Jeanne and has a room in the brothel accomplishes the same thing well enough? Maybe it’s just me...

For real though the sex sounds from the other rooms is a bit much. Like we get it, show. It’s a brothel. And these two want to bang but they’re still a little awkward. The noises are more distracting than anything.

Ok but the look of like pain on Claire’s face when Jamie says he doesn’t know why she came back and then reduces (maybe the wrong word, but close enough) her to just the mother of his child. Like bro, it’s an important question. I know you want and deserve to know the answer. But I do feel for Claire a bit in how he chooses to word it.

“So I took a chance.” Understatement of the centuries, Claire.

Throw her a bone, Jamie! She took an impossible leap! Give her something!

Claire’s “do you want me to go?” breaks my heart a little. Like I 1000% know what Jamie’s getting at and why he wants and needs to know why Claire came back. But I really do feel for Claire here. She made the choice to risk everything to find him, and Jamie knows what it cost her. (*cough Bree cough* Remember her? You literally just looked at pictures of her.) Maybe lead with the fact that you’ve burned for her for so long, dude? And then bring up the knowing each other less now than at your wedding? Because it *is* a valid observation...

I know that basically everything in this room is like verbatim from the book, but I do kind of wish some of it had been tweaked.

BUT WHATEVER BECAUSE THEY’RE TOGETHER AGAIN.

OK BUT THE FLIRTY WAY CLAIRE SAYS THAT SHE MIGHT BE A HORRIBLE PERSON MAKES ME FEEL THINGS. LIKE SHE SPENT SO LONG BEING TREATED LIKE AND TOLD THAT SHE WAS ONE BUT HERE WITH JAMIE SHE KNOWS SHE ISN’T AND SHE’S JOKING AND SHE’S HAPPY AND SHE’S GETTING WHAT SHE’S DREAMED ABOUT FOR SO LONG AND I’M JUST SO HAPPY FOR YOU CLAIRE. ILY, LADY.

The recreational cockblocking league really should be disbanded. I feel like there are better options for extracurricular activities out there.

OK BUT JAMIE’S FACE WHEN HE LOCKS THE DOOR AND CLAIRE’S FACE WHEN JAMIE LOCKS THE DOOR. YOU’RE GOING TO DO IT, GUYS, YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE THE SECKS.

You know what would be better than this voiceover? Not this voiceover. I get that they wanted the parallel to the wedding voiceover about getting to know their new spouses for the first time, but I’m just not a fan of the majority of the voiceovers and was kind of hoping they were not going to use them as much this year...

I like the parallel to the wedding with them talking first, I just could have done with more actual talking and less VO about talking.

Also like Claire, we know you’re both thinking about banging. There’s no reason to VO the fact that you’re thinking about it.

OK BUT THE SASSY LITTLE WAY SHE PULLS OFF HIS STOCK OR WHATEVER IT’S CALLED. HERE. FOR. IT.

AND SHE OPENS HIS SHIRT LIKE SHE DID IN EP. 103 WHEN SHE WAS CHECKING HIS WOUND AND IT WAS HOT AF THERE AND IT’S HOT AF HERE.

AND HIM PULLING OFF HER SCARF THINGY AND IT GOES DOWN HER FRONT LIKE THE RIBBON DID IN THE WEDDING WHEN HE UNTIED HER LITTLE CHOKER THINGY.

MY KINGDOM FOR ONCE THEY’RE LIKE COMFORTABLY BACK TOGETHER AGAIN AND IT’S NOT LIKE 20 YEARS OF EMOTION BUILT UP FOR JAMIE TO JUST LOVE ZIPPING AND UNZIPPING CLAIRE’S CORSET THINGY AND HER LIKE PLAYFULLY SMACKING HIM UPSIDE THE HEAD.

THIS IS AWKWARD AND ADORABLE AND I LOVE IT AND YOU REALLY ARE BEAUTIFUL, CLAIRE.

Ok they held hands in the wedding episode at one point right before Claire cockblocked herself by asking about Jamie’s family, but the stuff about touching making things easier wasn’t actually in there, right? It’s just another book thing they’re putting in that we need to pretend happened off-screen? Which is fine, I’m just trying to keep the book and the show straight...

“Do you want me know?” “Oh, God, yes.” SO SAY WE ALL.

The subtitles say [both breathing heavily] and OMG SAME, SUBTITLES, SAME.

I KNOW IT’S FROM THE BOOK BUT I LOVE THEM BUMPING HEADS AND GIGGLING AND JAMIE KISSING HER ON THE NOSE AND THE LITTLE NOSE KISS IS MY EVERYTHING AND GUYS I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS RIGHT NOW AND ALL OF THEM ARE WONDERFUL.

“Do it now. And don’t be gentle.” OK BUT THIS IS LIKE THE FIRST TIME IN LIKE 18 YEARS THAT CLAIRE IS WITH SOMEONE WHO ISN’T HER HAND AND SHE’S CALLING THE SHOTS AND YOU GET YOURS, CLAIRE. YAAAS.

Unpopular opinion, but I’ve never really been a fan of the “give me your mouth” line.

BUT WHO CARES BECAUSE THEY JUST DID THE SECKS. THEY JUST DID THE SECKS, GUYS!

GUYS THEY GET TO CUDDLE AND BE CUTE AND TOUCH EACH OTHER AND KISS AND BE SILLY. MY SKIN IS CLEAR AND MY CROPS ARE THRIVING.

Can we do a kickstarter for a NSFW webseries about learning new vocabulary? Or is that only cute with these two?

I CANNOT WITH ALL OF THEIR LITTLE KISSES AND CLAIRE JUST LIKE LOUNGING ON HIM AND HIM LIKE STROKING HER BACK AND I AM DED. I AM THOROUGHLY DECEASED.

Cool that we’re establishing all of this stuff about Jamie’s current situation with the law. So we know all of the stakes and shit already. So maybe there’s no fucking need to end the episode how they did just to get a cliffhanger.

“To find you again... And to lose you.” Like he has to know that he’s basically lying by omission about being married, right? Like Jamie isn’t perfect. If he was he’d be boring. He doesn’t tell Claire about Laoghaire because he’s scared to lose her again. Which I get, but like how did he think it was going to play out? He knows/fears how it’ll play out and we know that from this line. I’m not saying I wish he’d done anything differently. Because that’d be cramming too much into the episode and iron out a flaw that leads to one of my favorite parts of the book...

OK BUT I LOVE ROUND TWO BECAUSE LIKE OMG THEY JUST NEED TO BE TOUCHING EACH OTHER AND JUST BEING WITH EACH OTHER AND GUYS THEY’RE TOGETHER AGAIN AND I JUST WANT TO HUG THEM BOTH EXCEPT LATER BECAUSE I AM NOT PART OF THE RECREATIONAL COCKBLOCKING LEAGUE BECAUSE I’M NOT A MONSTER.

LOOK AT THESE BABIES FALLING ASLEEP ALL CUDDLY AND ADORABLE AND I JUST LOVE THEM SO MUCH.

“Maybe I’m a ghost.” Don’t get cute, show...

CASUAL WITH THE HAND SECKS WHILE RECALLING A CONVO THAT INVOLVED HAND SECKS THE FIRST TIME. I’M OK.

Thanks, Claire Bear, for not wanting to burst this perfect little bubble. We can definitely wait to hear about who Jamie may have gone to in blind need. No need to sully this episode with anything like that.

And high fives for understanding the difference between sex and love and yet omg I can’t wait for everything to blow up because they’re both human and emotions are messy and then for things to get better again in a wicked real way.

Ok is the recreational cockblocking league’s season over yet? Can’t Jamie ever finish his full English breakfast without someone trying to interrupt him? Wtf.

Lady boner for Claire’s little salute.

Lady boner for Jamie saying Jell-O.

I’m trash for Claire calling Jamie soldier. Sorry not sorry.

And I love that it’s the same fucking shot of her very satisfied face as ep. 110.

Perfect Young Ian is perfect. And so is his pause before “woman.”

Glad they clear it up right away that Claire’s his aunt.

“Do you live in a dun?” Are you being sassy, Ian? Or are you legit asking about fairies? Please tell me you’re being sassy. (Either way, I love show!Young Ian.)

“Very please to meet you, Uncle Jamie’s wife.” I LOVE YOU, YOU AWKWARD GOOBER WHO IS APPARENTLY VERY BAD AT HIDING THE FACT THAT YOU’RE PROCESSING INFORMATION THAT WILL BECOME RELEVANT SOON.

Ok, tbh, I would have been fine if they ended the episode with Young Ian leaving. Like awesome. Set up Jamie and Claire cautiously and optimistically back together. Set up Jamie’s various things that can come up and pop their little bubble of innocent bliss. Reintroduced the Murrays. Cool. Done. End it. Roll the credits. Great ending is great.

Except...

I don’t love the whore’s brunch like some people do, but while I don’t think it’s necessary it is nice to see Claire interacting with the community around her. Like to see how at ease she is with these women even though they have nothing in common. Except, you know, having had sex the night before.

Nice little coda. Cool. Done. End it. Roll the credits. Ok ending is ok.

Except...

Ok I hate the last scene with my whole heart. Hate. It.

Why the fuck did they include this? Why the fuck couldn’t they just end the fucking episode on a hopeful note. With all the other shit like the treason and smuggling and questions about Jamie’s past few years all nice and set up so we know not everything will be smooth sailing?

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

Yes, in the book there’s a dude who shows up and manhandles Claire and thinks she’s a whore and flicks her boob while telling her there’s a reward in the form of a percentage of the seized contraband that’s being smuggled through the brothel. And I was hoping they’d change that in the show to like dial it back to just like him menacing over her or something instead of actually grabbing her and touching her boob. Because do we really need more sexual assault? No.

But apparently this fucking show thinks we do.

“Maybe if I fuck you, it’ll jar your memory.” *grabs Claire by the throat* Yep. Instead of even just sticking to the fucking book, they fucking take it up five notches.

Fuck whoever decided to end the episode like this. Fuuuuck them.

And don’t give me any bullshit like “oh it was needed to set up the next episode!” or “oh, but the 18th century is so dangerous, that’s just how things are!” No. Fuuuck that.

Not everything needs to be a fucking cliffhanger.

WE DO NOT NEED ANY MORE FUCKING ATTEMPTED RAPES.

We spent fucking two season with everyone and their brother getting raped and sexually assaulted. Claire knows it’s fucking dangerous. Claire has been assaulted more times than I care to count at the moment. She doesn’t need to fucking get nearly raped *again* within like fucking two days of being back in the past.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, SHOW. WHY DO YOU INSIST ON MAKING ME HATE YOU.

But hey. They’re back together again. Woot.

Ok I tried, guys. I really did. But I really don’t care for the majority of A. Malcolm. Consider this a one time only sober!Der gets honest about Outlander...

I watched the episode four times. Not because I loved it, but because I thought watching it more would help me convince myself that I loved it. I watched it twice the night it came out, but I figured I was just like missing something because it was late and I was drunk and maybe it was actually really awesome? So I spent the next day reblogging smutty gifsets at the regatta I was working, thinking that would get me excited to go home and watch it again. And I did watch it again, and was like oh I must still be missing something because I’m sleep deprived and have been day-drinking. So I livetweeted and posted a recap with what I though were the requisite amount of squees and shouty caps so I wouldn’t be The Girl Who Didn’t Like The Reunion. Because I’m always the downer fan. And this was *The Episode*. So clearly I was just watching it wrong and I shouldn’t rain on everyone’s fangirl parade.

But I watched it again yesterday after work, sober and rested, and tried to watch it just as an episode and not like comparing it to the books or over-analyzing it or anything. And yeah, apparently I wasn’t watching it wrong. I just don’t care for a lot of it. So if I were to have written my 100% honest take on it without worrying about being a buzzkill, this would have been it:

I hate how they played Mme Jeanne. It was like they were forcing it and it just didn’t work for me. Seeing Jamie’s day before Claire shows up? Sure, ok, I’ll sit through it because I know what’s coming. But it should have been the only sidequest of the episode. And then Claire shows up and instead of getting sucked in and emotionally invested, I’m stuck watching Jamie take off his pants for no reason. It’s already awkward, there’s no need for that. And then they’re like oh hey remember this motto/catchphrase thing we shared that never happened on screen? Instead of playing like “aw, that’s sweet,” it just took me out of the moment because I was like “wait, when did that happen?” instead of being swept along. Like, there’s a difference between referencing something that happened off screen and doing what’s supposed to be a deliberate callback to a meaningful thing when that meaningful thing was never established. And then they’re interrupted for the first of what seemed like a fuckton of unnecessary times because lol nothing matters.

The scene with the pictures was just terrible. You can’t have Jamie basically be stoic while looking at the pictures of his daughter he sent away his wife to save, shit on the name his wife gave her and then wax poetic about how cool his other kid is. Wtf. I’m all for having him bring up Willie, but they completely fucked up the execution. Jamie barely showing emotion about Bree and then fangirling over Willie seems out of character and cruel to both Claire and Bree.

They needed to move locations so I was fine with meeting Fergus en route, but even that didn’t work as they played it. They built up the Claire and Fergus relationship so much last year but I felt like nothing at their reunion. It was a quick like oh where have you been? Oh cool. Btw, I need to talk business with Jamie. Because clearly that takes precedence over letting the emotional beat of a mother and son seeing each other for the first time in 20 years land. It just felt wicked rushed. I wish they had skipped everything at The World’s End. We already know Jamie’s doing treasonous stuff from the cold open and he’ll give Claire more details on his illegal activities and their potential consequences later in the episode. We didn’t need to meet Willoughby in this episode or the shady dude in the basement.

So then they get to the brothel and Jamie just like immediately starts interrogating Claire. Basically my biggest issue with the first half of the episode is Jamie. Like, can he at least pretend to be happy to see Claire? I get the shock and disbelief and stuff, but jfc dude. It’s like he doesn’t even want her there. They doubled down on his secret and it, for me, sort of ruined his half of their reunion. Like Claire has told him what going through the stones was like for her (we hear him ask her about it in ep. 111), and she literally just gave up her entire life and modern society to come back in time. Plus she left *their daughter* to come find him. I don’t know how many other fucking big red signs you need to tell you why she’s there, Jamie. Stop being an idiot. Like yes, he can and should be vulnerable. He can want to be sure she knows that he’s changed and be scared she might not want him for who he is now. But that’s not how it played. It played like he almost didn’t want her there and was questioning her motives rather than him being vulnerable and scared she might not want him. Putting it all on Claire with how they had Jamie question her wasn’t a good look for him.

I hated the voiceover while they ate. Just let them talk. Don’t VO that they’re talking. Have them actually talk. And sorry, but I really don’t think we needed to watch them silently undress for that long. They could have gotten the same emotions across with a shorter montage and leave more time for, you know, actually catching up after 20 years.

I did like the lead up to round one once they were naked and Claire was all adorable and insecure and Jamie finally acted like he wanted to be there. (Minus the second instance of attempting a meaningful callback to a thing that was never established.) And yeah, round one was going to be awkward. I know, it should be. But then round two wasn’t hot at all? Like they shot a rape scene in ep. 304 like soft-core porn but when the main couple gets back together it’s like awkward side-flopping? Yes, they need to touch each other and look into each other’s eyes and that’s all lovely and should happen, but like the way it was shot didn’t match what the scene should have felt like? Also, their wigs are terrible. Like distractingly terrible.

Them talking in between rounds one and two, and them talking after round two through round three until Jamie leaves I did like for the most part. And I was glad that I did, because I really did want to really like this episode and I feel like if there were important parts to like, it was those parts. And honestly what they talk about there was enough to set up that they weren’t going to stay in this little bubble for very long, so the World’s End stuff and the very not subtle convo with Jamie and Fergus and the stuff at the end seemed even more unnecessary.

I did like Young Ian. Because it’s Young Ian. And I heart that awkward goober. But everything after that, especially ending it on another fucking attempted rape, I could have done without.

So yeah. There were a couple scenes I liked, but as an overall episode? It just didn’t do it for me. And what I did like didn’t really drive me to full on fangirling. It was just like oh, this is better than those other parts. And with the way it ends, it left me feeling angry rather than happy that these characters are back together. Not a great aftertaste for what’s supposed to be like the biggest episode of the series.

And yes, I *know* that they can’t please everyone and that they aren’t making the show specifically for my exact tastes and vision. I’m well aware I’m a #BadFan. But I think I’m still allowed to be disappointed that the episode I was looking forward was kind of a let down for me.

Holy shit this got way longer than I thought it would. I meant to just write a short update and hide it in an old post so I didn’t get yelled at... Because for some reason, bullshitting about how I felt about this episode wasn’t sitting well with me. Whatever. Brevity has never been my strong suit...

Here’s hoping ep. 307 is amazing...