#i wish we saw more of that fear in the musical bcs it would make so much more sense why jack puts up this facade of being fearless

[cowboy-caboodles]

Nightmares (1/2)

took me awhile to put this comic together but now that the holidays are over (at least for this Yid) i have time on my hands!

i like to think that the jacobs’ apartment is a safe place for the manhattan newsies, and a few of them come over for dinner or a warm place to sleep when they can. (most specifically Jack, who took a while to warm up to the idea of Davey’s parents offering him shelter and food, but once he did he spent half his time sleeping over)

[swimmingclass1978]

About me (it pretty late but what ever) :

- so my name is Ariel / Ane 😃

-im a minor if i ever follow your page and you have some nsfw content then dw it was either an accident or i followed you bc of some regular looking post

-your honor im just a silly guy when it comes to the ghostface mask on women (or particualarly hot men)

-im so desperate for a girlfriend its not even funny

-loyal to one mutal and the other one is low key just there lol

- james/remus/barty kinnes im waiting please notice me

-this is basically a call for help lol

-a hellenic pagan but its new so let me be, no convering christians allowed

-Lady Hecate devotee❤️

-slytherin/ravenclaw but if i like you then im giving kinda griffindor energy? Tho i get tired easily and my social battery is lasting max of an hour, in the end of the day im a slytherin bro all the creepy shit i know is proving it

-I'm fine with any pronouns really but mostly he/she, they is also great but she has a special place in my heart even tho i hate it sometimes and he makes me want to scream and giggle

-so im a girl kisser and ace but i don't think i would date amab people. Its nothing personal just my preference but it also depends. (Idk why i put it here its kind of personal need for me to say)

-my favourite colour is green, but like deep green or like dead green not neon green and i also love deep red and black OH AND PURPLE BECAUSE I SAW A DORCAS FANART IN PURPLR AND OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG

-im a yapper here but irl i don't talk much

-i love love LOVE true crime, canibalism and necrophilia like if you ever gonna ask me how bodies decompose and then listen to me yap im gonna marry you without questions,

-my natice language is polish but i also speak english tho its not as good as i wish it would be. Im also learning spanish (DO NOT ASK ME ANYTHING IN SPANISH ITS SHIT) and im learning latin on duolingo (i blame donna tartt)

-im obsessed with collecting little animal figures/plushies and giving them names????

-i love reading and all the crafty things like painting, drawing and diy and id love to learn book binding one day even if my printer doesn't agree with me (update: i've binded my own fic it went at least bad)

-im also a poet and a writer so i suffer from creativity more times then id like to but i unfortunatelly love it all too much 😔 i don't publish my poems bc i fear they are not very good but i wish to be a published book author one day

-if you are a hater or use any of these tags: anti <character/ship name> or pro <character/ship name> or you are a canon fanatic who can't stand people having fun then dni bcz i dont want any of your toxic bs on my blog or in my dms/asks thank you very much

- if you want to share you homo/transphobic bs then get out and never come back

-adhd

-im a sucker for good no voldy hogwarts jegulus aus tbh, amd anything that contains slytherin skittles or black brothers/sisters, i love them

-i'm an attention seeking whore when it comes to comments under my ao3 fics im not joking when i say this

-classic literature enthusiastist and Balladyna lover literalnie to moja zona wdym ze ona nie zyje? Zyje w moim sercu

Fandoms:

-marauders - ao3 hates to see me coming

-greek mythology

- percy jackson

-good omens, i love them but considering things that have been happening then i dont think we will be getting seson 3 anytime soon :((( (update: nail count your fucking days and pray i won't finf out where you live)

-the poppy war thrilogy (started reading age 9 and kinda reggret it but happily it didn't caused me as much of my mental health as i thought) (dont repeat my mistake tho) (i'm weird now)

- bsd but i cant remember all the names yet I know whats going on so its fine

-TPN in every daydreaming sesion i gotta do an au someone as the main 3 its an addiction to amgst at this point. Also im making a petition on recreating season 2 so it will follow the manga

-The secret history and dps my friends hate me in atumn because of those two

FAVE MUSIC ARTISTS/BANDS: Mitski, Radiohead, Gigi Perez, billie eilish, tv girl, i fear that a bit tyler the creator and chldlish gambino since its winter again (i only listen to him in winter???), the hazbin hotel soumdtrack....?, CZAPEL ROAWR 🗣🗣🗣🦅🦅🦅🦖🦖🦖

FAVE FILMS/BOOKS/BOOK SERIES': Dead Poets Society (book and the movie), 10 things i hate about you, Chłopi (movie and the book), song of the achilles, illiad, lapvona, seven hisbands of evelyn hugo, balladyna kochana moja, prolly more idk its late now,

Current body count: seven kids in my basement, three burried in my garden (i do not have a garden)

I can be very funny believe me 🙏🙏🙏

Im also a charlie kirk hater and a feminist

I do not know math but my esseys and creative writing works are amazing

Kins: Regulus; Sirius low key but its pretty minor (i wanna be him); Pandora; sometimes Barty?; dorcas AND marlene (i dunno how bro it just happened) (pick your favourite gay)

Im happily married to jegulus twilight au with reg as bella that got abandoned in february 2024 (UPDATE: one chapter was added a month ago we are so back) and to a demon james/human regulus au that is still ongoing but id let it tear me appart and i would apologise to the author( im talking about The Devil Tastes Devine by TheBiButterfly on ao3 (it has me in a chokehold tbh))

Ships: jeggy, wolfstar, dorlene, pandlily, marlily, emmary, rosekiller, bartylus, pancas, marylane, lilylane, any marauder lesbians, nobleflower, quillkiller, teddromeda, poppy x minnie (i forgot their ship name), evanreg, jarty, kinda rosekiller + lily, rosestarkillerchaser(any variant of them really), moonwater, percybeth(is that their ship name?), solangelo, (shin)soukoku, any legal lesbian ship thb, i also liked jily in the past but the toxic shippers ruined it for me :( i still love her tho thats my wifey

My ao3 fanfic:

there is a light, i feel it in me: COMPLETE, black brothers angst, jegulus, wolfstar +more, trauma healing, angst/fluff, everything pandora and barty are doing is great i do not make the rules

teaching myself how to die: WIP, jegulus twilight-fix-it-look-alike Au, disabled regulus, vampire james, black brothers angst, slytherin skittles, marauders, angst with happy ending, THE BLACK SISTERS ARE MOTHERING, they are witches fr fr.

Face reveal (bros gonna be blinded by the face card frfr):

Im also a proud owner of this justin biber ahh haircut I thought it was a wonderfull idea few months back and i do feel the best in my skin i've ever felt since my dysphoria went almost 2lvl down but no one want to talk to me at school now i think its not very nice of them tbh im a great person sometimes

Thats all lol have a good time or whatever

[yuukei-yikes]

i was thinking abt how ayano and shintaro r the only two characters who ever die by suicide (shintaro is only in some routes but STILL.) and like how that's a way of showing that they had the potential to understand each other (bc in my opinion they r actually very similar) but not until either of them were dead. idk does this make sense? i just thought of this today so this thought isnt very refined yet i need to think abt it more

they ARE similar!!!!! i totally agree. shintaro and ayano are totally similar people. they're both Justice Seekers but are so depressed and have such horrible self worth they can't actually be proactive about things. but then they are :3

i wish we got ayano pov from hs and why she liked shintaro. I've always thought ayano's crush on him is...cute!!! because she's literally going thru the horrors, her mom died, her dad is being Strange, and she has to take care of the house and her siblings all alone PLUS later learning of all the horrible stuff about the daze and clearing. and yet. she's also a normal hs girl who has a silly crush on her classmate. not that we ever saw it but i definitely think ayano got to see at least once the shintaro we see who fights for good and doesn't let fear get to him like when he yells at the fucking terrorists or acts all cool when they face clearing in the novels. i think ayano got to see shintaro being Heroic or whatever and she was like THIS is the kind of guy we need to be recruiting in the mekakushi dan🔥🔥🔥 like seriously im delusional abt this but i think there should be a shinaya backstory abt this.

man i wish we saw more hs shinaya😭😭😭😭😭 im so mad that they only ever show shintaro being a fucking asshole lord in hs like im not rooting for you bitch FAST FORWARD NOW but the fact ayano knows shintaro likes music and shoujo manga etcetc its clear ayano and shintaro had normal ass conversations all the time. SHOW THEM TO MEEEEEE whatever. i dont even care <- cares

anyways i just wanted to say i think ayano does Kind of understand shintaro. i also wish we saw ayano think of shintaro in the entire conjecture with clearing eyes killing haruka and takane and her sacrificing herself for them and the mekatrio. Go listen to full disclosure from steven universe and you will understand my ayano vision for this. sorry that was weird. i think ayano wanted to keep shintaro as uninvolved as possible, haruka and takane were inevitably already in it. she just wanted to make sure to take them Out of it but shintaro.. i think ayano always had the feeling shintaro would get involved. i think ayano gravitates towards shintaro because she needed help and she needed a hero and deep down she knew this was him. but she never manages to properly reach out or even understand it i guess. but i think ayano did understand shintaro maybe even more he understood himself. on the other hand shintaro DID NOT understand ayano AT ALL but like you said, he could have. who knows how things had gone if shintaro had walked in when he saw ayano crying in the classroom!!! imagine ayano managing to pour her heart out and tell him what's gonna happen to their friends and her family. he would've helped. shintaro would've done something. but ayano wouldn't want him to bc he would get hurt but at the same time she WOULD want him to because she's so scared and alone and desperate for help *holds head *

also i always make myself insane abt shintaro and ayano being depressed legends who wanna die. while haruka and takane struggle with health problems and want to Live So Badly. sorry for bringing up harutaka Hi its me tumblr user yuukei yikes vinnie i will ALWAYS make it about harutaka. i just wanted to say that. shinaya who wanna die and tragedy arises from never meeting in the middle and not being able to understand each other vs harutaka who wanna live more than anything and tragedy arises from being forcibly separated.

ayano's words to takane when she's projecting so hard. there are times you want to tell someone something but you wind up being too late. ayano was never gonna say anything to shintaro because she didnt Want to. she knew what she was going to the roof for. while takane immediately makes a run for it to say something to haruka, she is just too late and has no control over her fate. whatever im normal!

[innb33tween]

Homeless. Disconnected. Broke. Hungry. Cold. Tired. Alone(except the pooch). Lost. Confused. Suicidal. Angry. Dirty. In Pain - jaw(need medical care. ER discharged me BC there's no one to watch the pup {SD(NES), but lately IDK what to call her because she's had to stop people from trying to sneak up on me(I've had stalkers), in the dark, or try to get into my "tent" at night), foot, neck, sternum(fractured in July), upper back, legs, chest, head. I'm always in pain. I'm on meds that are slowly dwindling. 10 yrs on a narcotic for my pain, and I have a few days left. Oh well. I'll figure it out. I've heard withdrawal sucks. I'm just scared of the pain. I carry the essentials around everywhere I go. I leave my sleeping gear where I'm staying the night, but in constant fear of it being stolen. I mean, I'll "survive" without it, but it'll be hell. The nights are cold. But I can't carry everything all day. I'm not strong enough, and it hurts. We're both hungry. We've been surviving off a 24-hr food cupboard at the church where I can sometimes get a shower. I got one today after a week. Then, there were crackers and PB&J, so I ate. And I felt SO much better. We've both lost weight. The skin on my belly is saggy. Is that what getting old is, or will it go away with time? I've heard it's from dropping weight too quickly. Whoops. We average 10 miles a day, sometimes with only a can of veggies to eat. Even when we have more, it's not enough. I'm always hungry. But there's a big difference between being so hungry that you're not sure if you're legs will make it any further, and you're going to drop or just being grumpy because you want a chinese buffet, taco bell, a triple berry frosty from Wendy's, a reg chicken sandwich from BK, a vanilla and a strawberry shake from Mcd's(both large) and an ice cream cone, PLUS - to dine in a NICE restaurant with melt-in-your-mouth steak, home fries, free refills and frozen margarita, and dessert(S)! Before getting a shower and food, I wanted to stab my pocket knife into my wrist and stain the ground red with anger. Now, I'm still hungry, but not suicidal. The night before, I walked around praying someone would look at me and just offer me food. I wish people saw what I needed when they looked at me. I'm just "that homeless girl with the "vicious" dog." Also, I was sweaty, and I smelled. That's what I hated. I felt like everyone who looked at me could see how filthy I felt. I hate that my self-worth depends on these things. That's probably because most of the constant adults in my life never wanted me to have any. It makes it easier to control, manipulate, and abuse you. You don't fight back as much. You don't tell because you think that no one else cares. But I told. And told and told and told and told and told and told and told.... And now, I'm "missing". I left. I packed up what I could carry and started walking. I made it a little ways south, to another town I'm sort of familiar with and learning quickly. A map and a heavy bag teach quickly. I cannot access my FB, Gmail, I have no phone, no money, no bank account, no resources, no one to lean on. I have a pair of jeans, leggings, capris, shorts, a shirt, a tank top, an under shirt, 3 pairs of socks, 3 bras, flip-flops, and shoes that have a hole(and stink). The blister sucks. I have 3 hoodies. And all of it is filthy. I have a blanket, a tarp, and a shower curtain to try to keep warm. I use a poncho, too. I have a towel and wash cloth and soap, conditioner, tooth paste, tooth brush, and some misc hygiene products. I have a small propane tank, can opener, spoon, fork, knife, cup, and aluminum can. I have a bat. I have a few other things, too. I still have a working Fitbit. That's life. I have a power bank. Headphones for music at the library because music is life for me, and I miss it so much. But, I've dropped a lot. Carry your shit around for a while, and you'll learn what's important or essential. But I'm on a mission.....

[canarymemories]

izuleo for the ship ask game!

i fear i might write an essay on this one dshg

What made you ship it? a true question for the ages. i really wish i could remember what story was my izuleo awakening but they've been in my head for over a year now and it's been fantastic. there's just so much that draws me to them, i think. sometimes it's just things like they were each other's first friend and saw each other as equals and were apparently attached at the hip at near all times while at yumenosaki that a few characters bring it up. even outside of a romantic context, they mean so much to each other and love each other and that is so,, good.

What are your favorite things about the ship? obviously there's what i already said above with them meaning so much to each other. they are also unironically obsessed with each other and sometimes it's so funny (and sometimes it makes me a little sad like concerto where leo brings up izumi like. four times or smth and madara is like hey leo-san maybe you should go talk to izumi and leo is like hmm no, i'll just continue to write music and have him sing it as an idol without him ever knowing it's my music (to which madara points out that izumi will definitely know it's leo's music)). they wholeheartedly believe in each other's talents and they see each other as equals and there really is something about leo wanting to help izumi achieve his dream bc he sees izumi as having helped him achieve his own dream. do you ever think about how leo was perfectly fine with starting over with izumi in requiem, to have that space between them when izumi would be moving to italy post graduation, even says that they're destined to come back to each other (makoto standing there like 🧍‍♂️ the entire time as leo's saying all of this), but that seems to go completely out the window once izumi has his whole i loved your smile but the world took it away from you and i didn't know what to do to get it back and maybe i've been the idiot this whole time speech. like they spend so much of ! slowly getting back to each other and returning to what they had presumably in their first year, or even pre checkmate, but izumi is scared of hurting leo again while leo sort of tests the waters here and there, but ultimately does keep himself at a bit of a distance (ofc there are exceptions to them being a little unsure of where they stand with each other, that "i'm home, sena" part in horoharo, diner live as a whole, the part in starfes when they go to get shu and izumi ends up vaguing leo and calls him leo-kun there again). like part of the reason why leo is so upset in requiem is that izumi has apparently been planning to just,, leave the country after graduation and told eichi of all people before him (though it's not like izumi planned for that to happen, he said that all of the class sort of shared their plans i think), so he resigns himself to backing off and allowing for izumi to leave since they'll meet again and start over. yet by the end of requiem we learn that leo has effectively moved to florence only a few weeks later and lives in some shit apartment, but spends most of his time at izumi's like leo tsukinaga i know what you are. (and don't get me started on leo backing off again once him and izumi have that argument that's mentioned in reloaded, a dark night's passing, and next door about leo getting work for izumi and it bothering izumi bc he feels like it's undermining his own abilities to get work bc that's a whole other essay) anyway. i love them so much and it shows. i have more but we'll be here all day if i go on so i'll try to condense it. there's really just something about them that really is built different, their bond really is something else, platonic or romantic. i think they deserve to have a nice happy life together being silly, hopefully they get to act like the kids they didn't have the chance to be.

Is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship? again, i really don't know what kind of opinions are out there abt them since i usually just stick to my little corner of the enstars fandom. i know i'm not the only one who thinks this so idk if it's unpopular but i really don't think they would pursue anything romantic until they're in italy. like sure there's pining and all of that in hs, but i don't think they would really do anything about it then, they're still angsting then sadghk also they're ace to me <33 if there's an opportunity to spread my ace izlo agenda, i will take it lmao

ship ask game

[thoughtfullyrainynightmare]

Hi Laura! 🧡 Penny for your thoughts on Henry? I feel like he isn’t talked about a lot in general so I’m curious (also I saw you got asked about your faves already 😅). No worries about a song if you can’t think of one though. Glad you liked the game! 💕

Hiya Acacia~!! ^^

Yeah, people really don't talk a lot about Henry, myself included, so let's see what comes to mind. And I completely forgot about the song portion of the game as I sat down into writing ^^' I'm just not musically inclined like that, I suppose XD Yess, it's a really nice game! <3

So, Henry... Hmm... I do think that he is interesting in the sense that he absorbs mana off of other people. Which seems... very strange. As in, Charmy is able to restore mana with the food she cooks, and Henry is able to absorb mana just being being in a near proximity to someone. Which is probably why, as far as I recall, that he's been presumed to be only half human, just like Charmy. And it's interesting that it's, seemingly, only human mana, as animals do like him. A bit like Lichita, I think. Though then it would make Lichita to be only partly human too, and that would make Asta, only partly human as a result. Which might explain Asta being "an anomaly".

But back to the topic of Henry, though I do think that his magic is the most interesting aspect of him. Because otherwise he just seems like a chill dude, who likes being around people (at least to an extent). Granted that we don't see Henry all that much, aside of the battles he's participated in, since he was bedridden for a good portion of the manga. And since we don't see him all that much, it's natural, I think, that there isn't a well-rounded opinion on his character as a whole.

He does seem compassionate and patient person, who wishes well onto people, but probably suffers from some level of separation anxiety. It's ... kinda a headcanon, but I don't think it's necessarily too far off, considering how his parents bought a house in which to seal him alone, away from sight. Though I do think that he has accepted the fact that people can't stay in the same room extended periods of time with him, due to his mana absorption, and it does make sense to him. But still he fears total abandonment, because he did go through with it once in his life already.

And I do think that it's pretty epic of him to be able to turn the entire hideout into a huge animatronic bull. Like a BC transformer XD

Aside of that, I don't think I have many more thoughts on him. But his innate ability towards mana absorption for maintaining his own bodily functions certainly is interesting, and... okay, this is completely and utterly just a just-for-the-laughs -idea, but if there was a way to amplify it, the mana absorption, he could just stand very close to Lucius and ... drain mana away from him. Problem solved XD But as said, it wouldn't really work.

Thank you for the ask ^^

[flames-memory]

I finally managed to ask him!!

Not hasn't spoken directly to him, that he remembers, but he's felt something. He thought he was imagining it, but when I asked, he knew right away that it was what I was asking about. He said he'll tell me if he hears any words.

For now, it seems happy to observe,

..

It's like I summoned him.

I closed the door. shush.

It's getting dark, and I left the door to the shack open for a moment.. I could hear it like a chant in the back of my head. closeitcloseitcloseitcloseit.... it's closed for fuck's sake.

go bother Max.

O.o whoa, that felt weird. I think that's called a scoff? Feels real weird in your head. I'm guessing Max must have gone to bed. He's safe there. Send him a nice dream then?

Heh.... he's gone. He feels like a big friendly dog... and also like a T rex from that movie. So weird. Kinda IG brother and family Giant Mutant Rottweiler all rolled into one.. heheh wonder what he'd think of THAT analogy?

They got the sign up for Scorch... it's SOOOOO cool!!!

He's built all this...is building all this for us. For me... I mean, not like I'm the center of the world for me, but together, fire and ice. For us. None of it existed till after we met. Glacier is already beautiful, Scorch is gonna be gritty and sexy.

I had a first aid kit installed in the gym. In case he gets hurt when I'm not around. I hate that he gets hurt when I'm not there to take that pain away. Pretty different to what I used to miss out on. He has entirely too many stories about getting thrown against walls or off buildings. Like I need more incentive to want to lock in the apartment with me. I don't get nearly enough of that as it is.. and I know he'd agree.

...I love him. So much, every time in a new way. He makes me laugh, and I love that he's funny, that he says silly things just to make me laugh. He makes me feel so seen... in the good ways. Makes me bold, which I hope he doesn't regret! Ugh, I don't need to pick it apart. I feel it constantly.

We got nicely coordinated outfits now, one red one blue, and he's gotta come up with something to go with the sexy spacesuit, so he can get his full bet's worth out of it.

I think we're gonna have a fun date night soon.. something special, just us.

Maybe stay at home.. heee love saying that. Home. Makes feel his arms around me, hear the fireplace, and music playing... oh god... sitting on the dining room table...

He didn't complain but table isn't very comfortable. The couch was nice, but also first night at home, for both of us. Firsts... that was a good night. We still have a lot of list to cross off!!! I can't wait HAH

Also, saw Andres Mark, Seb, Faye at FF. BC DJ'ed.

Was nice they left the booth to join us for a bit. I feel like a jerk barging into her space now, but that doesn't change my habits much, I'm still by the bar or on the dancefloor, same as I always was before. They've just been avoiding us, and I understand why.

It was just..*cries* nice to know I actually do have friends. And more of them, too. Others have been friendly, I had a nice chat with poor Aurrius the other day. Billy's awesome. Faye and I are definitely going on another hike. Not was curious about her, I can feel it. I did fear that I'd have to lose all of them, I'm so glad I can have some value to people beyond being her sidekick.

If I had... Max would be enough. I'd be so sad and Id miss them, but Max is still somehow enough. I wish we could spend every minute together, and he seems to feel the same...

I don't know about all these feelings... what's right or wrong or too much or too little, but I know I'm happy. Like I never thought was possible, or real. For sure like I never thought I would or could be.

[innbeetween]

Rock bottom to.....

Homeless. Disconnected. Broke. Hungry. Cold. Tired. Alone(except the pooch). Lost. Confused. Suicidal. Angry. Dirty. In Pain - jaw(need medical care. ER discharged me BC there's no one to watch the pup {SD(NES), but lately IDK what to call her because she's had to stop people from trying to sneak up on me(I've had stalkers), in the dark, or try to get into my "tent" at night), foot, neck, sternum(fractured in July), upper back, legs, chest, head. I'm always in pain. I'm on meds that are slowly dwindling. 10 yrs on a narcotic for my pain, and I have a few days left. Oh well. I'll figure it out. I've heard withdrawal sucks. I'm just scared of the pain. I carry the essentials around everywhere I go. I leave my sleeping gear where I'm staying the night, but in constant fear of it being stolen. I mean, I'll "survive" without it, but it'll be hell. The nights are cold. But I can't carry everything all day. I'm not strong enough, and it hurts. We're both hungry. We've been surviving off a 24-hr food cupboard at the church where I can sometimes get a shower. I got one today after a week. Then, there were crackers and PB&J, so I ate. And I felt SO much better. We've both lost weight. The skin on my belly is saggy. Is that what getting old is, or will it go away with time? I've heard it's from dropping weight too quickly. Whoops. We average 10 miles a day, sometimes with only a can of veggies to eat. Even when we have more, it's not enough. I'm always hungry. But there's a big difference between being so hungry that you're not sure if you're legs will make it any further, and you're going to drop or just being grumpy because you want a chinese buffet, taco bell, a triple berry frosty from Wendy's, a reg chicken sandwich from BK, a vanilla and a strawberry shake from Mcd's(both large) and an ice cream cone, PLUS - to dine in a NICE restaurant with melt-in-your-mouth steak, home fries, free refills and frozen margarita, and dessert(S)! Before getting a shower and food, I wanted to stab my pocket knife into my wrist and stain the ground red with anger. Now, I'm still hungry, but not suicidal. The night before, I walked around praying someone would look at me and just offer me food. I wish people saw what I needed when they looked at me. I'm just "that homeless girl with the "vicious" dog." Also, I was sweaty, and I smelled. That's what I hated. I felt like everyone who looked at me could see how filthy I felt. I hate that my self-worth depends on these things. That's probably because most of the constant adults in my life never wanted me to have any. It makes it easier to control, manipulate, and abuse you. You don't fight back as much. You don't tell because you think that no one else cares. But I told. And told and told and told and told and told and told and told.... And now, I'm "missing". I left. I packed up what I could carry and started walking. I made it a little ways south, to another town I'm sort of familiar with and learning quickly. A map and a heavy bag teach quickly. I cannot access my FB, Gmail, I have no phone, no money, no bank account, no resources, no one to lean on. I have a pair of jeans, leggings, capris, shorts, a shirt, a tank top, an under shirt, 3 pairs of socks, 3 bras, flip-flops, and shoes that have a hole(and stink). The blister sucks. I have 3 hoodies. And all of it is filthy. I have a blanket, a tarp, and a shower curtain to try to keep warm. I use a poncho, too. I have a towel and wash cloth and soap, conditioner, tooth paste, tooth brush, and some misc hygiene products. I have a small propane tank, can opener, spoon, fork, knife, cup, and aluminum can. I have a bat. I have a few other things, too. I still have a working Fitbit. That's life. I have a power bank. Headphones for music at the library because music is life for me, and I miss it so much. But, I've dropped a lot. Carry your shit around for a while, and you'll learn what's important or essential. But I'm on a mission.....

[nedlittle]

Top 5 MCR songs? Also, top 5 Gerard Way Looks?

beginning to think i didn't think this through because i have so much love in my heart that choosing favourite songs feels illegal. they're all my favourite (except for blood which I think is hilarious as a concept but would never voluntarily listen to it) however

vampires will never hurt you - they immediately peaked with this one i genuinely think it's in top 3 songs they've ever written on sheer technical creativity. the first 30 seconds send a spike of pure adrenaline through my body. i could lift a bus if vampires was playing in the bg. absolutely deranged choice for a first single yet absolutely in character for them. love that half the songs off bullets don't even feel like songs that are verse > chorus > verse > chorus > bridge > chorus. they're just stories set against the sicknastiest guitar you've ever heard. but vampires in particular feels like everyone is performing until they pass out the energy doesn't flag for half a second. perfect song. i could listen to it every day and not get tired of it

boy division - iconic from start to finish. the amount of time tourists walked in one me going absolutely sicko mode to this one on slow days is at LEAST 3. love how tongue-in-cheek the lyrics are wrt to legacy and image love that i have listened to this song approximately 4000 times since mid-july and yet i do not know half the lyrics bc someone will not enunciate. putting it after foundations on setlists is such a fun choice because it really doesn't give you a second to breathe. going straight from the healing and awe and resilience of being told to fix your heart IMMEDIATELY into IFALLMYENEMIESTHREWAPARTY--

the foundations of decay - i know i'm prone to exaggeration and hyperbole but this one is dead fucking serious. the first time i listened to foundations i was like oh wow new music! and i liked it well enough but didn't seek it out or really think about it that much the first few times i heard it and then during the summer i saw some fanart and thought oh hm maybe i should give foundations another listen and that time i heard "you must fix your heart" clear as a fucking bell like a bolt of lightning clean through down to the centre of me right when i was experiencing such intense existential dread about turning 25--an age i never thought i'd reach--and not having a stable job or future that i thought i would lay down and die from it. you must fix your heart!! and you must build an altar where it swells!! i just had such a profound experience hearing that lyric and i listened to just the bridge over and over again for a week until i could hear it like static in my ears even when it wasn't playing. you must fix your heart. if i remember and get over my fear of appointments i'm going to get this tattooed on my human body. i mean this forever.

mama - do not need to explain this one. ray toro i would fight god for you thank you for taking a dare to write a rock polka 100% seriously and as a result transgenderizing millions of people across the globe on a daily basis. also up there in top 3 songs they've ever written. screaming YOU SHOULD HAVE RAISED A BABY GIRL I SHOULD HAVE BEEN A BETTER SON with thousands of people would both fix me and make me worse. LIZA MINNELLI is there

our lady of sorrows - the childhood catholicism really jumped out with this one but in my defense stand up fucking tall don't let them see your back and take my fucking hand and never be afraid again. gay-ass epic of gilgamesh-ass punk song. i know the point is that it's short but also i wish it were 10 minutes long

okay jesus christ we're putting the looks under a read more because i'm going to end up writing a phd thesis on each of them and the good people who followed me for other things shouldn't have to scroll 10 km uphill in the snow to see other posts

i am limiting these looks to recent tour fits because otherwise we will be here for the next 7 years and i will end up burning all the hair off my scalp in another bad dye job SO let's watch me get embarrassing

gerard of arc

protestants invented the rapture so they could describe mcr. we knew this one was coming the only question was when a joan outfit was coming and boy howdy did they deliver. i don't know if this one would have been as impactful if there wasn't already a mini-joan canon within their discography but because there have been years and years of build up to gerard going full joan, waking up and seeing this was pure vindication. also helps that i'm a big fan of the og joan fit at voodoofest in 2008 (2007?). love the change from the red skirt that's often associated with joan (especially in millais' painting) to a red cape so that instead it's chainmail all the way down. also there's something so striking about a chainmail gown. apart from the arm braces and the piece at the breastbone there's no real armour, even regular textiles that look like armour--i mean, practicality. you don't wanna pass out midway through na na na. also the BLOOD post-stake joan and the big ass buckle boots! i'm so glad someone got a visual on the boots bc the shoes often make or break an outfit for me and i was trying to figure out wtf they had underrneath the gown without sounding like a perv. the little joan sticker on his wizard noise tower. saints for girls. give this bitch a sword. if i talk about this too long i will be fully insane. moving on

2. high school english teacher who you homoerotically imprinted on but specifically with the jacket + glasses

feel like i do not need to explain this one. best they've ever looked unironically. it was all over for me the second i saw the pearl bracelet. the day after this happened i went to the heterosexual wedding of a high school friend in what i can only describe as a slightly more masc version of this fit which was likened by my friends to both a dead victorian child and a medieval knight. this look was my lockscreen until joan happened and genuinely my life has not known a single moment of peace since. i am not exaggerating when i say that on nights i knew there was a show i had trouble sleeping because i was tormented by the idea of gerard way out in public wearing a cunty little outfit. one night i genuinely woke up in a cold sweat and the first coherent thought was "what if an outfit happened" because i am Extremely Normal. i invented a brand new emotion looking at this and that emotion is 'gender horny' and no i do not know what that means. someone needs to take me out back and old yeller me i can't keep living like this. next

3. cheergate original flavour

i wasn't following the tour rabidly or having Hot Kit Emo Summer yet so the morning after cheergate og i was innocently scrolling through tumblr, saw fanart, and went wait. WAIT. and then mine eyes were blessed by images and the little gay people in my phone going from awe to horniness back to awe at breakneck speed. if this hadn't been on my day off i'm not sure how i would have coped. you think i would have been able to balance a cashbox in the wake of cheergate? i can barely do that under normal circumstances. sometimes gender is a horseshoe that swings back around to you with someone else's euphoria, sometimes it's contagious like laughter. the delicately puffed sleeves are what does me in specifically. puffed sleeves pristine white sneakers tiny little socks smooth ass legs. if i think for more than three minutes about the possibility of the cheerleading dress being the defining outfit of the return era i immediately get a tension headache. there are kids who got into mcr during the break up and this is going to be THEIR gerard....i need to put my head into a blender.

4. cunt dragula/count fagula

99% perfect recreation of bela lugosi in dracula 1931 HELLO?? (1% imperfect because the tailcoat is cut weirdly high both for a beat-by-beat recreation and 1930s evening wear in general and i cannot stop looking at it) i love this one bc it's just so Fun and the details are so theatre kid-y that i am reduced to self-recognition through the other. tinted hair gel. white foundation. drawn-on eyebrows. the way the cape swishes. we love to have fun here this one looked so fun to wear. even though i am not a big fan of dracula 1931 i am Not Immune to dracula 1931. glad there was a gud evening 9 years in the making :)

5. pool boy at the vampire mansion

fully-fledged character in 6 words. pool boy at the vampire mansion is like a mother to me. this falls into the category of outfits that i have deemed in my Big Spreadsheet of Tour Outfits (i am extremely mentally healthy thank you for asking) 'camp counsellor fits'. looks EXTREMELY comfy and even though it's so simple, everything works together so well even the clear face mask which i always forget exists. i love you tiniest shorts on planet earth. i love you crooked hand-lettered t-shirt handmade with love. i love you black converse. i would say more about this but the thing about living with your parents at 25 is that if my mother comes upstairs to drag me to the dinner table she will see me being extremely abnormal about gerard way online.

bonus points to: nurse (made me reread hanif abdurraqib's extremely wonderful black parade essay also gave me insane emotions re: my own concepts of health and chronic pain lol), lil ghostie (my close personal friend :^)), fruit bat drag queen (newark 1, would have been #4 if not for dracula)

[statementlou]

what would you say to louis fans who can’t help but stress over charts and numbers and etc? like i really wish i didn’t care but it’s just so annoying seeing harry fans calling him a “flop” and making fun of his voice or w/e and then there were those awful reviews from the guardian and whynow too. i think i wouldn’t stress as much if louis hadn’t said he would love for fitf to be commercially successful bc i really really want him to have that bc he deserves it so much but i don’t think he will and that makes me really sad :(

okay well first of all, I'm sorry you're feeling stressed! That's no fun :( For starters- while Louis did let slip that sure, he wouldn't object to FITF being commercially successful (like once) he's said many, MANY more times that it is NOT his priority. He seems to have a very healthy relationship to the idea of it being a hit, like wouldn't that be a kick?! But it would be a fun extra, not the goal. When asked to define success for himself recently, he said it was to be happy with the music he's making and that he is, he's said many times in the past he defines success as being able to tour, he issued a whole manifesto letting us know that he would be pursuing something other than commercial success with this album before he even began writing it- the man knows the industry and he knew what he was choosing, and yesterday he told us yet again that he is on twitter a couple times a day and sees a lot more than people think. This last one is connected I believe; all of this talk about what kind of success he wants isn't something he's telling the GP, he's telling US, he's telling YOU. He's literally saying, chin up love, I'm good. Please stop worrying about me! Because he sees the discourse and what people say, and he is addressing it directly. So you know, who needs me when LOUIS has himself addressed the topic!

But what I would say? I would say that I think this isn't about him, it's about us. He's literally a multimillionaire living his absolute best life and *loooving it* right now, but we aren't! We're just Common People trying our best to survive a brutal and miserable world that attacks us every day with more stresses and fear, and we turn to fandom and to Louis to have something NICE, something that feels good and doesn't make us want to cry. So when that escape is full of negativity or isn't going the way we want it to it really feels like shit and hits hard. And the like ideal world answer to that problem is to go all Louis and say paradise is in your own mind, don't rely on stuff outside you for happiness because you can't control it so it may let you down at any time, but I know- that's high level goals, that's not necessarily realistic in the day to day. What you can do though is remember that the idea of being here in this fandom is that it's supposed to give you happiness and ease and relief from the outside world, and once you've remembered that it makes it easier to see how to fix where it's going wrong. UNFOLLOW EVERYONE WHO POSTS CONTENT THAT MAKES YOU FEEL STRESSED OUT! Literally. Just do it. Mean harries OMG why would you want to see that?!? Block. Bye. People making fun of his voice??!! Literally insane and definitely on the wrong side of history, laugh at them, and then block. Anyone who thinks Louis *can't* write a number one hit in his sleep is honestly stupid, he wrote dozens?? The man wrote so many he got bored of it and was like, guess I'll take on a new challenge now... (If it was by 1D and it was a banger...!) Who cares what they say? I didn't know Louis got a bad review in the Guardian! And that's fine! I don't care!! I saw that important indie music magazine NME gave him 4/5 :))) That was nice. News I can use! I come here and scroll down my dash and see everyone being happy and showing me Louis being happy and it's nice and it's fun. Unfollow everyone you don't know that posts that stuff, if you have friend blogs you feel like you can't unfollow, blacklist all their tags or their name so you don't see the negative content. Find new blogs. If you feel like you can't make the leap to actually unfollow people, try making a separate tumblr (like from a diff email) and just following no stressful blogs and try that dash for a while without changing your old follows, just see what it's like. Every time you see something that makes your stomach clench, unfollow or blacklist. See if it could work out for you.

Listen: I know everyone says this, and people are just like suuure but I can't actually do that, I need to know what's happening but I PROMISE- nothing important is actually happening with all that! On the rare occasion it's actually interesting or whatever, it'll cross over. Unstressful people will talk about it in a less stressful way, either to discourse or to make fun, and you'll find out, and you won't have missed anything. Seriously- try it. I know it *feels* like we owe it to Louis to stress about this stuff or something, like if we don't think about it we're letting him down or something but that's just anxiety thinking! It's magical thinking: if I don't reblog the good luck post something bad will happen. If I tap in a certain pattern it will protect me. If I keep on top of everything people are saying about Louis I can help him. Magical thinking is a symptom of anxiety disorders, and no shame in that who doesn't have fucking anxiety these days, but it also FEEDS them, and the last thing we all need is more anxiety. Care for yourself by giving yourself the gift of an easy and pleasurable online experience! I want that for you and so would Louis.

[retquits]

Hi!!! So I’m not sure if you’ve talked about this before since I just found your Stardew artwork recently, but I absolutely adore Dallas, Galeo, and Declan and so I was wondering if we could hear more about them- what their life was like pre-farm, likes, dislikes, how they met their spouses etc. I just love your art and your farmers and it’s all so pretty and makes me so happy and so I’d love to hear more of you’re willing to rant about it!! No pressure if you’re busy of course but I just wanted to ask! <3<3 Thanks so much!

AUHDGDFGDFGJH 🥺💘💘💘

nothin would make me happier than to ramble about ocs - i'll try not to make this super long!! thank you!!! 😭

first of all, a quick introduction ...

(👇 continued under the cut!! 👇)

before moving out to the farm, dallas scraped by in the city through odd jobs and shitty apartments. he's the spontaneous type, so as soon as he finally took the time to realize he was unhappy, he packed his belongings, grabbed his grandpa’s deed, and bounced B)

galeo's life pre-farm was actually ... on another farm LOL they helped with their family's ranch for most of their life! with some nudges from mom and dad, though, they took up the deed to their grandfather's old land to strike out on their own.

declan lived on the city outskirts his entire life with his twin sister, lynn, their older brother amos, and their grandmother! both declan and lynn initially visited pelican town to prepare their grandfather's land to sell ... but ended up staying 💕

LIKES AND DISLIKES:

dallas: likes loud music, good company, and anything a little edgy. one of his favourite pastimes is hair-dye night with abigail, sam, and sebastian, and his favourite 'crops' are void eggs and hot peppers! he isn’t so wild about retail, leafy greens, or bugs.

galeo: likes shiny things - pretty rocks, fish, rocks ... rocks. galeo spends a LOT of their time mining the caves, and their favourite crops are blue jazz and sweet gem berries! they have a fear of ghosts, and dislike dry, hot weather, spicy food, and eating alone.

declan: loves vintage media; old film, records, train tickets, etc. he particularly prefers warm sunny days with big fluffy clouds, and his favourite crops are cranberries and sunflowers. he’s not a huge fan of big animals, large bodies of water, winter, or rainy days when he’s cooped up inside.

dallas and elliot

long story short, elliott met dallas on a warm, rainy day. he was having a particularly hard time writing that week, and stormed out to stand in the rain and re-center himself. when he stepped outside his cabin, he saw someone on the dock, struggling over a bent fishing rod - and afraid that it was willy about to fall in, he raced out to support him, slipped on the wet dock, and splashed face-first into the water.

needless to say, dallas had a big laugh as he helped elliott out of the water LMAO and the two had their first real conversation after!! dallas's personality is pretty close to the polar opposite of elliott's, so the they had plenty to learn about each other. dallas, elliott discovers, is incredibly funny and doesn't like to over complicate things. and elliott, as dallas discovers, is a dreamer and kinda unlike anyone he's ever met before. they walked away from their first conversation already looking forward to their next :)

galeo and sam

their meeting has a lot less substance bc it was my first playthrough and i never gave it much thought LOL but it was definitely abigail who introduced galeo to sam!! (abigail is fluent in ASL and teaches seb and sam in their free time)

declan and alex

declan and alex met a long while before they really started chatting. neither took a particular interest in the other, so it wasn’t until alex noticed declan hanging around his dog that they found something to talk about. it went something along the lines of alex making the passing comment, “his name’s dusty. you got a dog, farm guy?”

note: declan's 'dog' banjo was probably a coyote who wandered onto the farm to take a look at declan’s chickens. alex didn't know how to tell him, so instead, he decided to spend a lot of time with declan to make sure he didn't get hurt. this was a mistake bc they fell in love 🤷‍♂️

UM .. THIS GOT LONG IM SO SORRY 💦 thank you so much for giving me the chance to talk about my ocs!! i wish i wrote about them more often but i get shy LOL

[parkersroses]

champagne problems. | harry styles.

summary: Harry and Y/N meet again after things fell out for them.

pairing: harry styles x fem!reader

word count: 7.3k words

trigger warnings: mentions of mental health issues and attempt of self harm, angst. if these are triggering to you, pls do not read this.

a/n: (gif credits to @letsmakesomeonehappytoday) i’m super nervous about this, also this is definitely the longest i’ve written. i began writing this last december bc i absolutely love the context of the song and i felt like writing something that touches important issues like mental health. i read and did research on how i could write this properly without having it look like i was romanticising the topic. if you do find it that way, pls feel free to leave constructive criticism so i can further improve and amend on my writing. don’t feel obligated to read this if it is triggering to you. here is a link to some mental health hotlines, i might add some more in another if i find any that are reliable. don’t be afraid to ask for help or even help others if you know they might be struggling.

reblog, comment if you like it or not, or even start a conversation. donate to my kofi if you’d like to support me further. i love you all.

The relaxing and sensual sound of jazz music filled the room. The chandeliers hanging above casted a golden glow over it, making the room more elegant than it did. People were dressed in nice clothing for the new year celebration. 

Harry was not one for New Year’s eve parties, having to prefer sitting in the comfort of his home, sipping on some champagne as he tries to ignore the loud fireworks going off. But considering it was one of his old friends that was hosting this particular party, there was no way he would deny it. He enjoyed having to see his old friends again after a busy year of filming a movie for the world to see one day. 

He stands with his friend, Jake, as he holds a champagne flute in one hand. Talia, his recently girlfriend-turned-fiancée, standing next to him with an arm wrapped around his waist. It had been two weeks since he proposed and two weeks since she said yes to marrying him. It was a joyous time for them after nearly a year of dating. Some might think they rushed but Harry ignored them. He knew if the time was right, then it would be bound to happen eventually. 

Harry’s eyes scan through the sea of people while Jake and Talia are discussing animatedly about something he probably isn’t paying attention to all that much. His eyes wander around until they fall on a familiar figure. He blinks his eyes hard enough to make sure they aren’t playing tricks on him, and they aren’t. The person who he knew and loved before. The person whom he intended to spend the rest of his life with. The person who left him, not giving him a reason as to why. 

Y/N stands with Natalia, occasionally sipping on her champagne as they talk. He should have known that their group of friends would stay in touch with her, even after they broke up years ago. She wears her casual dark jeans, a black long-sleeved shirt and heeled boots. A contrast to those around them, wearing fancy dresses and suits. She always stood out in her own way. It was why he loved her then. 

Harry let out a breath, seemingly couldn’t believe that his ex lover is here in the same room as him. Talia notices this and questions, “Babe, you alright?” Harry breaks away his gaze from Y/N before smiling at his dear fiancée. “Yeah, m’fine. Just saw an old friend, s’all,” he assures her as he sips on his drink. 

“Oh, d’you want to talk to her?” She asks, and Harry shakes his head because if he did, he wouldn’t know how to act or say to her. “No worries. Maybe later,” he says. 

As time passes, Harry finds himself focused on Y/N numerous times. In his mind, he is already thinking of ways to talk to her. What would he say to her? Would she even want to talk to him? Or were they going to pretend everything was fine before she left him? 

When he looks around for her again, he freezes as he sees her eyes staring right back at her, almost looking in shock as he is there too. There is a glimmer in her eyes that he always noticed. She gives him a small yet timid smile from across the room before breaking away from the eye contact. 

Harry decides to pick up what’s left of his courage in his body to walk over and greet her. He leans into Talia’s ear, whispering to her. “I’m just going to meet an old friend. You’ll be okay here?” He says. Talia looks up at him and nods. She assures him that she’ll be alright, saying that she’ll talk to some other of their friends.

As he leaves her side, he walks through the sea of people to look for the person he hadn’t seen in a long time. Harry finds her grabbing another glass of champagne from a nearby tray and he smiles at this. He always knew she liked champagne. She doesn’t notice him walking up to her until he clears his throat. She turns around and her breath hitches as she sees him. Harry’s mouth dries up instantly as his eyes gazes upon her. Despite years of knowing her, he still found her beautiful. 

The corner of his lips curls up slightly. “Hi,” he says quietly, his breath slightly shaking as he spoke. He isn’t sure whether she heard him, but her reply seems to answer that. “Hi,” she replies, with the same nervousness in her voice. 

“Fancy seeing yeh here,” he chuckles. Y/N smiles at this; while it was awkward to have seen her ex in a long while, he never fails to make the situation comfortable for them. “Y-Yeah, you too,” she stutters. 

She is not going to admit it aloud, but she misses the sound of his voice. How deep and raspy it could get. She misses his voice being the first thing she hears when she wakes up, or the hums she would hear in her ear as they would dance with no music on. She misses his touch whenever he holds her close, warmth and protection radiating from his body onto hers. She misses everything about him despite them not being together anymore for a long time, she admits but never out loud. 

Silence fills the gap between as they both figure out what to say. On one hand, they can pretend everything is alright and converse like old friends. On the other, they can push their fears aside and talk about what is actually in their minds that seem to have an affect on their current relationship. 

“So, how’ve yeh been?” He hesitates to ask. He’s not sure whether she would lie to him or give him the proper answer he needs. The answer he wishes he knew. Y/N doesn’t know how to answer that without making it sound as depressing as it is. There had been many times she wanted to give him a reason why she left him, to give him a little bit of closure that he deserves. Perhaps it is her pride that prevented her from doing so. 

“I’m alright,” she says with a small smile on her lips. Her answer could be a lie or the truth. “And, you?” 

He nods slightly at her answer. “I’ve been alright,” He gives her tight smile back. “Been a while since I last saw you,” he says and she nods. “Y-Yeah, way too long,” she says quietly. It’s hard to ignore how insincere the smile he gave her is. Y/N knows him all too well, even when they were no longer together. She knows by that smile that there’s something on his mind, something he wants to say. But she doesn’t question it. 

Harry is aching to ask her. To ask what happened between them, why she left him without a warning, why she had to break his heart the way she did. 

It’s almost like she senses what he is thinking because she then suggests to him. “Want to go outside for a bit?” She gestures to the backyard with her head. 

“Yeah, absolutely,” Harry breathes out. He almost cringes at how desperate he sounds. “Um, after you,” he says, gesturing his hand towards the door. She softly thanks him and Harry follows right behind her outside. 

“So-”

“I-”

The pair speak simultaneously as they walk and they both laugh at it. “Sorry,” she says. Harry dismisses this. “No worries.” 

“You look great, by the way,” she says. Harry smiles at her compliment. “Thank you. You look amazing too,” he returns the compliment. She blushes a bit before muttering a soft ‘thank you’ under her breath.

The cold air wraps around the two bodies that once knew each other’s intimately. The stars look brighter that night and Y/N takes a deep breath as she stares up at the sky. She doesn’t realise how Harry looks at the small breath she let out, or how he admires her side profile like he used to when she sleeps. He stares at her for a bit more, like he’s remembering again what she looks like, before averting his eyes to the night sky.

“Saw you had a date back there. Someone special I assume?” She asks out of the blue. Harry freezes in his place. “Y-Yeah, she is,” he blurts out and clears his throat. “My fiancée, actually,” he says and he looks at her to see her reaction. 

Y/N is surprised at first, feeling her whole body tense up before she relaxes. But Harry catches it. “That’s great. Congratulations, Harry,” she smiles at him before turning back the stars. She promises she is genuine about it. But maybe she’s just telling herself that. “How long have you both been together?”

“Nearly a year now,” he says. Y/N lets his answer sink in her head. A year, she thought. We were together longer than that for you to propo-

“Seems like a short time, huh?” She jokes, but Harry only gives a small smile. “Is it though? Too soon to ask if we’re both ready?” He says, as if he’s mocking her and something. And that sent a shard through her chest. Harry curses at himself, he shouldn’t be saying things like that despite them not being together anymore. She looks down at the ground like it was suddenly the most interesting thing and shakes her head. 

“I’m sorry, Harry,” she apologises. Harry is quick to shake his head at her. “No, no. I’m sorry for how I said it. You did nothing,” he says. Y/N is silent for a bit before saying back to him.

“No, really. I didn’t mean to make things weird or uncomfortable between us. I’m just.. Sorry,” she says. 

“How are you, Y/N?” He asks genuinely. Y/N is confused at first, wondering why he is asking the same question again. “I already told you, Harry. I’m alri-,”

“I mean, how actually are you?”

She turns to him, seeing as Harry is already looking at her with a solemn expression. “You don’t have to lie to me,” he says softly, almost sounding like he doesn’t want to scare her. And she knows what he meant and what he wants to know. 

Y/N suddenly feels a lump forming in her throat and breathes in deeply. She clears her throat, hoping her voice doesn’t waver when she speaks. “I promise I’m okay, Harry. I just,” she sighs and closes her eyes. 

“I don’t know. I’ve been getting by on my own. Trying to work on myself, you know, since,” her words falter, but Harry knows what she means. Since she left him without an answer to one of the most important questions in life. He nods his head slightly even though she doesn’t see it. 

He lets out a sigh as he looks up at the starry night. “You know, it’s… kind of surreal. Us being here I mean,” he says. Y/N looks at him again with confusion written all over her face. “I’ve been wondering where you’ve been. I called but you never seem to answer. I just wanted to see how’ve yeh been, you know?” He confesses, throwing this big weight out in the open. 

Y/N has her head hung low, like a child being scolded for stealing the last cookie from the cookie jar. But she knows he means well. And she hates how not only she caused problems for herself, but the person she once loved. 

“I just… I miss my best friend, Y/N. I miss having her around,” he says, and he doesn’t realise how his words hit her like a truck. She breathes in sharply, feeling a slight pain in her throat. “And you don’t think I felt the same way then?” She asks softly, her voice already wavering. 

Harry shakes his head. “No, love, I didn’t mean it like that. I’m sorry,” He’s quick to apologise but she dismisses it while ignoring the fact that he called her a very familiar pet name he used to use on her. “It’s fine,” she says, and her voice is almost quiet enough for you to not hear her.

“It’s just,” she breathes out and she looks up hoping that tears won’t escape her eyes. “I wanted to let you in. I could’ve answered the phone. But I didn’t. I know how bad I left things between us, H.” Harry’s heart jumped a bit at hearing her say ‘H’ again. She used to always call him that. It still sounds lovely as it leaves her lips. 

“I wish I could’ve told you why I left you kneeling with the ring still in your hand. I couldn’t, though. Maybe I wasn’t ready that time, or never was.” It hurts for her to say this because she has imagined spending the rest of her life with him countless times. “I’ve had this constant battle in my mind for so long. I thought that maybe if I ignore it, it’d be like it never was there and we’d be alright. But it got worse and I couldn’t ignore it anymore. I held it on for so long and I couldn’t say anything because I knew I’d somehow ruin everything. Well, I did in the end.” And she feels tears streaming down her face. 

Harry feels his tears escaping his eyes too, but doesn’t make the effort to wipe them away. As if he’s paralyzed in where he stands. “A-And, what happened after that?” he asks ever so gently.

Y/N wipes her tears away and takes a deep breath before continuing the sad story they’re on. “I lived with it and the thoughts consumed my mind. S-Sometimes, they can get dark.” She confesses but not all at once. She won’t tell him how she felt herself crumbling down and how her mother found her unconscious in the bathroom, overdosing on some pills she found. She won’t tell him how hard she cried in her hospital bed over the pain she was in. It felt like a shard puncturing through Harry’s heart. The fact that she had been struggling all this while and he never noticed it, it kills him. 

“Then, one day, I just decided to find help. I knew I needed help. And I’ve been having sessions with a psychiatrist for a few months now.” And she smiles through her tears. “I’ve been working a lot on myself, been on medication and all. Then, maybe one day, when I feel ready for it, I’d come find you, apologise for the problems I caused between us. Didn’t think it’d be tonight, though.” She jokes and hangs her head low again, like she’s scared to see what Harry thinks of her now. Just a girl who’s sick in the head. 

There is an uncomfortable silence between them and Harry speaks up again. “You infuriate me sometimes, you know?” Y/N looks at him and his eyebrows are pressed together like he’s mad. She is once again confused at what he meant. “I would’ve listened. I would’ve helped you. I would’ve,” he pauses and runs his fingers through his brown curls, taking a breather so he won’t actually lose his temper. But for Y/N, it’s like she wanted him to scream at her. Yell at her for leaving him behind for her own selfish needs. 

“I would’ve looked after you,” he says softly, and it’s heartbreaking to hear the pain in his voice. “I didn’t want to burden you, H. I wouldn’t do that to you,” she says gently and Harry shakes his head at her. “Is that what you thought? That you’d burden me?” She only shrugs at him with a sad smile. 

“I heard it before.” She says, and it makes Harry furious that anyone would toss aside the state of her mental health. “It’s not because of your job, Harry. Or your fans,” she assures him. “I didn’t want to overwhelm you with what I’ve been going through. You deserve someone who isn’t as fucked in the head as I am,” she says. 

Harry now has tears running down his cheeks. He now wishes he could go back and actually pay more attention to her, instead of being ignorant to it. He remembers when she left, the neighbourhood had quite a bit to say about the rejection, particularly on her. They often talked about how insane she was to deny his proposal because marriage is what every woman needs, right? Granted, he told them off not to speak about Y/N so poorly ever again, but he still wishes he could’ve seen the signs when it got worse for her.

Now, she stands in front of him, and it might be wrong to admit this, but she still looks just as beautiful as the day he lost her. Her eyes still have the same shine and her smile still has the same warmth to it. He lets out a small laugh. “This is not how I actually planned to spend my New Year’s eve,” he says jokingly and they both laugh, almost like the entire sad conversation did not occur. “I know,” she says, smiling at him. She doesn’t realise how her words took him back to when they would get drunk on wine while watching romantic comedies together on their couch. 

“This is quite an interesting relationship you and I have,” he says smiling as he looks up at the starry night. She smiles at him too before doing the same. It’s the comfortable silence filling the gaps between them now. Just two people under the stars, one has it all figured out while the other has champagne problems. 

She looks back at the building, gold lights still shining as people are getting drunk and ready for the countdown. “You should probably go back to your fiancée, H,” she says. Harry sighs as their time together has come to an end and nods. “Um, it was really great seeing you, Harry,” she says as her feet fidgets against the ground. She feels like a teenager talking to her crush again. 

Before he even thinks, Harry has his hand up, brushing off the piece of hair of face, and his thumb lightly brushes over her cheeks a bit. “You too, Y/N,” he says, and he means it. Y/N feels her face warm up, before nodding her head at him and leaving. “Where’re yeh going?” He calls out to her. Without looking back, she calls back to him. “Home!” 

He only looks at her leaving for a moment before calling out to her again. “Y/N, wait!” 

Y/N stops in her tracks and looks back at him. “Um,” he fumbles on his words. “If I call you, not tonight, or tomorrow, just if any day after this, because we’re on good terms, uh,” he blurts out his words as she watches him, amused by what he wants to ask. “If I call, will you answer? Like I said before, I miss my best friend,” he shrugs and has almost a pleading look. Y/N’s heart melts at him and she smiles. 

“I will, H,”

❊

Since their last meeting, a lot of things have been on his mind and one of them was Y/N. He hasn’t been able to stop thinking about her and the conversation they had. He knew now that it must’ve taken a lot of bravery to speak up about what she was going through. And he was proud of her. He really was.

He has been thinking about calling her for a while. He just doesn’t know what he’ll say. He wants to know how she’s feeling even though he’ll never know what it felt like for her to go through the dark times she went. But he could try to understand. He owes her that, at least. He spends some of his time off reading about mental health issues and educating himself more now.

Talia wanted to start planning their wedding, which makes Harry fill up his schedule more between wedding plans and music plans. He tries his best to accommodate whatever Talia wants for their special day. Though, sometimes he finds himself not focusing on the shades of white she suggested for her dress.

Sometimes, Talia would get mad at him for not prioritizing their wedding, seemingly as it was a very important thing for them, well, more for her. She gets mad at him for not focusing on their plans instead of hiding in his studio. She once told him to get his act together because if he wasn’t serious about this, he never would have asked her to marry him. That knocked a nail on the head as she stormed out of the room after another small argument.

Part of him thinks it's the thought of marriage finally sinking in his head. He has the girl, he got a ‘yes’, it should be as exciting as when he asked her. But he finds himself in and out of planning, always reverting his focus back to music, like he’s stalling. He still hasn’t told Talia about Y/N, but there was no need to since he’s with her and not Y/N. When Talia asked about his slightly red eyes at the party, he lied and said something was in his eyes. She believed it, of course.

Now, he’s thinking back to the situation with Talia. He admits he hadn't been paying attention to her as much as he should or helping out with their wedding. But her words now stuck with him. If he wasn’t serious about marrying Talia, he wouldn’t have asked her. He tells himself that he really does love her and he knows she loves him. So why is he hesitating almost at the thought of marriage? Why does it feel like he’s leading her on? He was so sure he wanted her. Unless he only asked her for the hell of it and to not be lonely. 

He sits quietly in his little studio with his thoughts as his company. What is he really doing? He really doesn’t know. 

❊

She’s laying down on her sofa, staring up at the ceiling again. She does this a lot, having nothing much to do at home other than rereading the books on her shelf or following a recipe for a delicious meal. Instead, she lays down staring at the blank ceiling thinking of how her life went. And in the state of all nothingness, she thinks of him. 

Meeting Harry again opened up a whole jar of emotions she kept hidden. It was no doubt that she still cared for him. She was still in love with him and if they were in another universe, she’d tell him that. She’ll do whatever it takes to make it up to him, for causing so much hurt to him. But she couldn’t. He belongs to someone else now. Someone who is more worthy of his love and time. And she’s happy for him, genuinely she is. 

As she thinks about him, she recalls back to the days before it all went wrong. She remembers being scared. She had found his mother’s ring in between his clothes as she was putting away their laundry. She remembers being terrified of the commitment Harry was in. She knew for certain that he would ask her sooner or later. But for her, she still doesn’t know. She wants to marry him, but is she ready for it? Is she worthy of him devoting his love and time to her for the rest of his life? 

That’s when the doubts came in. She was always battling the thoughts in her head more often after finding out that he might propose to her. She keeps a disguise up, pretending she’s not screaming for help or suffering, hoping that maybe it’ll go away and when he asks, she’ll say the answer he wants to hear. But she didn’t keep the disguise up for long. 

When they arrived at Harry’s family home, she was overwhelmed. She saw the bottle of expensive champagne on the kitchen table. Their friends were there too. She was told they were just having a family gathering along with their friends, but she knew what was about to happen.

Nothing could prepare her for when Harry pulled her out the backyard, kneeling down in front of her with his mother’s ring in hand. She could still remember the look on his face, so bright and in love, then having to see it all disappear and his expression drop. He was speechless, so speechless that it took him a minute to snap out of it and run after her as she exited the house. She passed by the living room and had a glance of how everyone was rather to celebrate; no applause or cheers of congratulations were made.

She felt a lot of things that day. Pain, embarrassment, guilt, regret.

Now, a year later, she likes to think she’s doing better, not only for her family or Harry, but for myself. It’s safe to say it was going well for her, she definitely felt better. That dark part of her life was always going to be a part of her, but she was glad she did something about it. 

She had struggled a lot before asking for help. She always had trouble sleeping and always felt herself drained to the core. She took some sleeping pills in hopes to feel better. Until one day, she just decided to down the whole bottle like she was downing a bottle of alcohol. She was lucky enough that her mother was around when she found her, her father too was quick enough to call an ambulance. It was too hazy for her to remember precisely what happened after. When she got admitted, she cried to her mother of how much pain she was in, and it killed her. She thinks of how selfish and stupid it was for her to do something like that. That’s when she decided she needed help, like really needed help. 

It’s funny how life works sometimes. A few months ago, she was found nearly dead. She has been recovering now. It took a while to open up during her psychiatry sessions and her mother monitored her to make sure she was doing alright. She lives alone now, but still has her mother check up on her. She didn’t find it annoying, in fact she asked her mother to watch over her a bit because she doesn’t trust herself. 

She’s healthier now, keeping herself busy to reflect and work on herself. And it did cross her mind a few times before to find Harry, to maybe apologise to him. But she thought that perhaps he didn’t want anything to do with her anymore. And that’s okay for her. Plus, she always hoped that he would find someone else that’ll love him just as much as she did him. 

He hasn’t contacted her since they last met and she wonders whether he’s scared of doing so. Then again, she hasn’t made the effort to contact him too. Maybe they’re both scared. 

She was about to get up and make herself some coffee after feeling a bit thirsty. She takes out a mug and sets it on the counter before she hears a knock on her door. She freezes in her place, her face scrunches up in confusion. She doesn’t remember having anyone making plans to come by. She hasn’t contacted her friends in a while and her parents would have told her that they would visit. 

Knocks on her door snaps her out of her trance as she realises she is still in the kitchen. She slowly walks up to the door and looks through the peephole. To her surprise, she sees Harry standing right before her door. She pulls herself back from the door and thinks for a moment. How did he know where she lived now? Why is he here when he could have just called her? 

Realising that he’s probably waiting outside for too long, she takes deep breaths and opens the door. There he is. Standing in his usual white t-shirt where you could see his tattoos through it, his black joggers hugging his muscular legs with some sneakers on his feet. His hair is a bit disheveled and she could imagine him running his fingers through it in a nervous and stressful manner. 

“Hi,” he says breathily. His expression is somewhat hopeful, she thinks. “Hey,” she replies, giving a small smile. He’s fidgeting on his feet, something she knows he does when he’s nervous. So why is he nervous? She’s trying to come up with different theories in her head. 

“Um, may I come in?” Harry asks. Y/N snaps out of her thoughts again and nods quickly, opening the door wider for him to walk through, hearing him mumbling a small ‘thanks’ under his breath. Harry looks around the small new apartment she now lives in, smiling at how it is very much her character the way she put things together.

She locks the door behind her and clears her throat as she faces him. “Sorry for showing up out of the blue like this,” he apologises. She only smiles and shakes her head. “No, no worries. I was just... wondering how you found where I live. I don’t think I ever told you that,” she says questionably. 

The corner of his lips lift up just slightly. “Your mother, actually,” he says. She rolls her eyes playfully at this and lets out a small laugh. Of course, her mother would let him know where she lived. Her parents always loved Harry and treated him as family. Even when they fell apart, they still cared about him. After all, he was one of the only good things in her life that she cherished. 

“Of course, she would. She still loves you for all I know,” she says with a sheepish smile. Harry throws his back in laughter and it makes her smile even more. “Well, I guess I might have to visit them again some time,” he says, smiling cheekily at her. 

For a moment, it feels like everything was normal between them.

She shakes her head at him as she plays with her fingers, something he knows she does when she is nervous. “Um, I guess you’re here to talk about something else?” She asks, and she sees how his smile falters just a bit. “Yeah, actually,” he mumbles under his breath, but she hears him.

She nods with a tight smile on her face, seemingly trying to mask her anxiousness behind it. “Okay. Uh, just, make yourself comfortable. I’ll get you a glass of water,” she says, hurrying off to the kitchen before Harry could say anything. She sets a glass down and gets a jug of water. Her hands are shaking just a bit and she tells herself to calm down. It’s just Harry, she thinks. Whatever he wants to say couldn’t be that bad. Right?

She comes back to the living room where Harry is. He hasn’t sat down on the couch, instead he’s just standing in the middle of the room, looking around and admiring the little touches she put like the indoor plants and the paintings on the wall. She gently sets the glass down on the coffee table, the glass making a ‘clink’ sound on the surface. Harry turns around to face her and smiles, his little dimple making an appearance on the corner of his lips. She smiles back at him before clearing her throat. 

“You had something you wanna say?” She asks, fiddling with her fingers. Harry nods slightly. “Yeah, I do. Um,” he begins as he rubs the back of his neck lightly. 

“I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want to say, been practicing the words in my head. So, I’m sorry if it ends up a mess,” he says, letting out a small laugh. She laughs a bit with him too. Nodding as she gestures for him to continue, he breathes in deeply before letting his words out.

“After we met last time, I, uh,” he begins and she swears she could hear how loud and fast her heart is beating. “I’ve just been reflecting on how we left things off. And I promise I meant to call you sooner, but I just didn’t know what I’d say that won’t make things weird and awkward,” he stops to look at her for a moment and the expression on his face is almost so familiar to her. 

“When you told me your story, I felt a lot of things. I felt… upset and angry that I couldn’t read the signs that were so evidently there. I thought maybe I realised it sooner, or tried harder to help, I could’ve helped you and you wouldn’t have felt to have gone through it alone. I hated how you were alone in this and how you helped like you couldn’t talk to me about,” His breaths are shaky, like he might break any minute. She wants to caress his face so badly, comfort him, but she knows it wouldn’t be appropriate. He’s still engaged to someone else after all. 

She looks down at her floor, taking a gulp in her throat. “Harry, what are you saying?” She asks ever so softly. 

“I’m saying that… you don’t have to go through it alone, darling. I’m saying that I wanna be there for you now. Albeit it has been months, but,” he pauses to take a breath. “If you give me a chance, to let me in, I promise to always be there for you and to be by your side all the time. Whenever you need me.” 

Y/N takes a moment to process what he had just said, shaking her head at him. “Harry, I,” she takes in a sharp breath. “I don’t think you need to do that.” Harry’s face scrunches up in confusion. “Why not?” 

“I just, I don’t want to burden you. I’ve already made it hard for my parents enough,” she says, trying to convince him even though all she wants is for him to be by her side. He shakes his head, chuckling a bit. “You’ll never be a burden to me, love. I want to be there for you always. It’s my choice to do this,” 

“What about your fiancée? What’s she gonna think about her fiancé or husband soon when he’s out there looking after some girl, Harry?” 

“You’re not just some girl, Y/N. You’re my best friend. And I,” he pauses in his words again and takes a deep breath. “What?” She asks nervously. 

The corner of his lips lift up just slightly and his expression almost looks guilty. “And I’m in love with you,” he says and that’s when she feels that her heart stops. He loves me, she thinks. All the time, she thinks the feelings would have gone away but here he is, in her living room, telling her he’s in love with her.

“No,” she says. Harry is surprised by her response. “No?” He repeats.

“You’re not in love with me anymore, Harry,” she says, almost like she’s trying to convince herself that. “Yes, I am, love. I’m still in love with you, even after all this time,” he says desperately to her. 

“Don’t do this to me, Harry. It’s not funny,” she says as her voice starts to waver. “It’s not fair to your fiancée for you to say this.” It’s funny to her how she still doesn’t know her name, but maybe she doesn’t know hers either. Harry steps closer to her and his heart breaks a little when she steps back. 

“Darling,”

“Don’t, Harry! Please,” she practically begs him. “Just go back to her. It’s been a good talk and it’s good to see you again but you have to leave,” 

“I don’t want to leave you, Y/N,” he says and it’s surprising how calm he is at this moment. 

“Harry, I,” 

“I’m not engaged anymore,” he says, cutting her off. She stares at him in shock and disbelief. “What do you mean?” She asks. He sighs as he runs his fingers through his hair. “I broke it off with Talia. There won’t be any wedding,” he confesses.

“So what? You broke up with her just to look out for me? Are you insane!?” She exclaims. She doesn’t want to believe that he broke up with her because of her. She thinks back if she would’ve hid from him during the party, he’d still be in a happy relationship with Talia with no problems. Once again, she’s thinking it’s all her fault.

“I’m as sane as I can be,” He says, raising his voice slightly to match her tone. She shakes her head, paces in her place, muttering ‘no’s to herself. “Darling, look at me,” Harry says gently as he steps closer to her. “No, this isn’t happening,” She’s now muttering words to herself and it breaks him even more to think she might think this is her fault when it’s not. 

“Look at me, Y/N,” he says as he tries to get her to look at him, but to no avail, she keeps her eyes away from him. “No, Harry. We can’t,” she says and she realises now how tears are starting to fall from her eyes. “Yes, we can, darling! Just listen to me,” he tries to convince her.

“You belong with Talia, Harry! Someone who has her life put together, a-and, someone who’s not fucked in the head as I am! She’ll make you happy!” She tells him, almost trying to convince him to go back and fix his relationship. 

“She won’t make me as happy as I was with you. It wouldn’t be fair to her,” Harry says to her as he tries to cup her face and wipe her tears. “What wouldn’t be fair to her? Huh?” 

“It wouldn’t be fair to lead her on when I’m in love with you!” 

And then, everything stops. Silence fills the room and all you could hear are the heavy breaths between them. Harry runs his hand over his face before speaking again. “I tell myself that I’ll be able to love again after you. But the love I’ll have for any other will never amount to the love I have for you. It wouldn’t be fair to move on with Talia when all I could think about is you. When I know I’ll always be madly in love with you,” he tells her, his voice wavering with every word he says.

She breathes in shakily, feeling the painful lump in throat. “Maybe if we hadn’t met that night, you wouldn’t have to think like that,” she says so softly under her breath, like she was ashamed. She looks down like a child being scolded by a parent. 

She hears him stepping closer to her and this time, she doesn’t step back away from him. She feels his hand under her chin, lifting her head up so she has no choice but to look at her. His forest-green eyes, ever so beautiful, are glossy with the tears he holds. “I wish you’d stop thinking that this is your fault when it’s not, darling,” he says gently to her.

She realises how close their faces are together, feeling his breath hitting her face as they stare at each other with the same look. She sees it in his eyes. Love. And maybe it’s because she’s emotionally exhausted or she realises how there is still love in his eyes for her and only her. 

She gently yet hesitantly puts her hand on his cheek, seeing as how he leans into her touch with his eyes closed, as if he misses her touch all this time. She doesn’t waste another second before pulling his face closer and letting their lips crash against each other. Harry is quick enough to reciprocate the action. His hand that is not on her hand wraps itself around her torso so move her closer to her. All he wants is to be close to her. 

She whimpers into the kiss as she feels tears streaming down her face again. She misses this. She misses his kisses, how soft and plump his lips feel against hers and how they taste. She misses the way he pulls her closer to him because he doesn’t want any space in between them. She misses him. 

They don’t know long they have been kissing until they break apart to catch their breath. She feels dizzy after the kiss while he feels like he’s on cloud nine. Their lips still brush against each other and Harry pecks her lips softly as she whimpers at the action. 

“I love you,” she finally tells him. And it feels so good to say it again to him. Harry sighs shakily, almost in disbelief that she said those three words, and his lips break out into the biggest smile. “Really?” He asks. She giggles as her hands cup his face. 

Harry sighs and leans his head back with his eyes closed, looking so bliss in the moment. “I’m sorry. Can you say that again? I wasn’t paying attention,” he says teasingly with a smug smile on his face. Y/N gasps and playfully punches his shoulder a bit, making him laugh. 

“I love you, you handsome idiot,” she says laughing at him. Harry shakes his head with a wide stupid grin on his face. He rests his forehead on hers, their noses brushing against each other’s. “Again, please. Just so I know I’m not dreaming this,” he says, his eyes closed as he savours in the moment. 

She grabs his face in her hands and pulls him away so she could look at him. He notes how soft yet small her hands felt as caresses his face. “I love you,” she says again, more gently but having more love and passion in her words. And she loves saying it because she does.

She has always loved him and always will love him. Her beats for him as his does for her. Her thoughts are filled with nothing but him. Looking at him now, he feels just as lovely and beautiful as the days they were together before. She knows that she’ll never love another as much as she loves him. She’ll fully admit that she is crazy, stupidly, madly and truly in love with him. 

Harry smiles ever so lovingly at her as his large hands cup her face. At this moment, it feels right, like they belong together. Despite the odds and struggles she had to go through, he promises to never leave her side, to always be around, to always be the shoulder she needed to cry on, to lend her his arms to give her the warmth and comfort she deserves. And he admits that he is truly, madly and deeply in love with her too. 

“I love you too,” he says as he brings their faces closer to each other, enclosing the gap between their lips again. He misses the way her lips gelt and how sweet they taste against his. He swears he’ll never get tired of loving her. Their lips move against each other slowly and gently as they try to savour in the moment. A moment that just felt right to them. For a moment, her champagne problems are forgotten, even though it’s still something that will always be a part of her.

They part away soon after, now staring into the eyes they fell in love with. Their smiles are permanently inked on their faces as the two lovers look at each other with the only things they have on their mind that will get them through. 

Love and hope. 

And somehow, that was everything. 

[helliontherapscallion]

Anon who’s dog had a seizure. I wanted to be able to give a positive update, but I won’t be able to. I was woken up by a call at around 1:30am from my mom and the first thing she said was “[my dogs name] died”

I don’t know all the details, I was in a full fledge panic attack and was overcome with despair when it was either explained to me or I overheard (frankly, I don’t remember) but apparently at some point either last night or veryyyyy early this morning my mom let the dog out to use the restroom, and he collapsed again similarly to how he did two days ago. My mom rushed him to the emergency vet (a thirty minute drive) but he didn’t even make it there.

I think I was dry heaving at some point because my panic was so bad. I ended up going to the vet with my dad so I could say goodbye (he had before my mom left with the dog) and ngl, going with him did not help in the slightest. My dad has NPD and he kept making the situation about himself and I stg I was ready to throw myself out the car window in the middle of the freeway and walk the rest of the way there OOP—

I was afraid we wouldn’t be able to because of Covid, but we were allowed to all head into the vet and hold him and give proper goodbyes before they took him to be cremated (they have a partnership with some place that does all that jazz). It was rough. He’s a small dog, only 18 pounds, but just holding him felt so different. There was no resistance when I picked him up (I’m not his favorite person lol, so he’d always deadpan and shuffle away a little from me before giving in whenever i’d make grabby hands hahaha) and it was just rough.

A year and a half ago my old bird passed away in that same emergency vet, so I just felt like I was suffocating the whole time. It was basically history repeating itself and I had a ✨mental breakdown✨ while cradling the pooch. My mom almost had to drag me out 2.5 hours later because I didn’t want to leave him. I tried to be strong, he was her dog in the end and they had an unbreakable bond. I should’ve been the one comforting her, not the other way around. I totally failed lol.

Thank god I was able to go home with my mom and not my dad. I wanted to be the one to drive home so she could rest, but I didn’t have the energy to protest when I saw she was already in the drivers seat.

We’ve had him since he was a few months old. I was in first grade at the time, and despite us having a very rocky start (young me didn’t like all the attention he received bc it used to be mine) he was my lil buddy and I would have done anything for him. I was looking forward to taking my senior and graduation pictures with him soon, but it seems like that won’t be happening. I just wish I did more with him.

Sorry for rambling and being so depressing! I haven’t gotten much sleep over the past two nights so I’m really out of it.

If it’s not too much to ask for, could I have a part ii of my previous request but have it involving what I wrote above? Asdfghjkl my depressed ass needs comfort and all of my friends are in school LOL. (Thank god I was called off from school this time) Plus, I don’t wanna make my mom feel worse by adding my grief on top of her own (I hope that made sense)

Part 1

(A/N): anon, I’m so sorry to hear about your dog. From what you sent me about him, he sounded like an absolute delight to be around and a very good boy. You deserve to grieve too, even if you don’t think you should. Grieving is healthy and it’s something that shouldn’t be ignored. Everyone grieves differently, so maybe you and your mom could reminisce on the good times with him? Only if you both feel comfortable doing so of course. Please get some sleep, drink plenty of water, and eat some food if you haven’t already. My DMs are always open if you ever want to talk <3

Warnings: death of a dog and bird (mentioned), panic attacks, NPD parent mention

You were jolted awake by a loud ring from your phone laying on your nightstand. It was the ringtone you specifically set for your mom. Blinking deliriously, you answered with a raspy, “mom?”

You were only met with her choked sobs on the other end. This woke you up completely as you turned on a lamp and sat up fully in your bed, “mom what’s wrong?”

“(Dog name)...” She was unable to say your dog's name before she broke into more harsh sobbing. Worry and fear pricked your gut at the mention of your dog’s name. “What about (dog name)? What’s going on?”

“He d-died, (y/n). He isn’t suffering anymore.” You felt as if ice cold water was poured onto you as you sat staring at the wall in shock. Faintly you heard your mom telling you how it happened, but you didn’t register her words. The words that came out of your mother’s mouth were nearly incomprehensible anyways due to her distress. You didn’t know when she hung up, but the next time you looked at the phone screen your homescreen met you: a picture of you, Techno, Wilbur, and Tommy at an amusement park. 

Your panic attack had escalated to you dry heaving over the toilet after puking up your dinner. You felt like you were suffocating as you remembered the techniques Techno used a few days prior. You stumbled up from a crouch and scrambled over to the sink. Your hands could barely grab the faucet and turn it on as you lost most of your sense of spatial awareness and everything you touched felt distant, like every single synapse in your body was both simultaneously working in overdrive and failing at the same time. The water was as cold as it was going to get, so you plunged your hands into the liquid and felt your body jolt at the temperature. After a while, your hands turned numb after regaining some senses back so you shakily cupped your hands under the faucet and gathered water into your hands. You splashed it at your face and felt yourself becoming more grounded as time passed.

By the time you left the bathroom, your dad gathered you into the car and started to drive you to the emergency vet. The entire time he was ranting about how you needed to pull yourself together because the dog was closer to him than to you. That definitely did not help in any way, it made you want to jump out of the car and walk the rest of the way to the vet. It would be better than having someone constantly belittling you for grieving. The ride was hell, but you persevered for (dog name). You needed to say goodbye to him.

When you left the car and walked into the building, it felt as if you were walking through the nine rings of hell with blazing infernos licking at your skin with every step. Dread and despair filled and overwhelmed you with every step. 

When a nurse escorted you to the room, she offered you her condolences and left you to say goodbye. With wide eyes, you slowly walked over to your mom and saw the motionless bundle of fur in her hands. It looked like he was sleeping, but you knew better. She looked at you with so much heartbreak and sadness as tears slipped down her cheeks that you remembered that he was her dog in the end and they’ve always had an unbreakable bond. You needed to be strong for her.

Your stony facade broke the second your mom handed you (dog name). He was cold and stiff as he laid unmoving in your arms, not even trying to wiggle out of your embrace like he always did. You were never his favorite person. He felt so… different. So wrong. 

Time passed around you as you held him and cried into his fur. This situation was very similar to your previous one that happened about a year and a half ago when your bird passed away and that was what finally sent you over the edge. Before you knew it, your mom was dragging you out of the building so he could get cremated. Your dad had long since gone home so he could get ready for work, so that left you to ride home with your mom. Not that you were complaining, it was certainly better than riding home with your dad. You just wished that you could drive so she could get some rest. 

By time you got home, it was about the same time you would leave for school. As you were driving down your neighborhood, you saw a very familiar car pass you. It was Techno, Wilbur, and Tommy’s car. They were probably going to school. You kept your head down and stared intensely at your tightly clasped hands. 

The second the car was in park in your driveway, you made a beeline for your room. For the rest of the day, you hid underneath your covers and ignored the incessant buzzing of your phone on the nightstand. You spent that time alone having a panic attack. This was your longest and most intense one yet, by the time it finally calmed down it was 10:30 at night. 

You smacked your dry lips together and feel absolutely drained. The buzzing still wouldn’t let up, so you reached out with a shaky hand and opened your phone. You had at least eighty combined missed texts from Wilbur, Tommy, and Techno. 

Tuesday, Innit?

Yo, the fuck’s goin on? 

Why the hell did you ignore us when we passed you???

Music man take me by the hand lead me to the land

Ignore that dumbass

What’s going on? You weren’t at school today

(Y/n)?

Technology Sword

You don’t have to tell us what happened if you’re not comfortable

Just tell us if you’re okay

That was only the start of the messages in the group chat. Granted it was mostly Tommy spamming your name and Wilbur and Techno trying to get him to chill out, but some of the messages managed to calm the swirling panic inside of you slightly. Your phone buzzed as you got another text. This time, it was an individual one from Technoblade.

Technology Sword

Look out your window, grab your notebook

You raised your eyebrows slightly as you read the message. Your window was right across from Technoblade’s, so when you saw Taylor Swift’s “You Belong With Me” music video and showed it to Techno, you both decided that this would be your primary communication before you eventually got phones. It wasted a ton of paper, but you both felt like the main characters in a story so you kept doing it. You hadn’t done this since you got your phone and he got his. 

After you grabbed your spare notebook and a sharpie, you sat up in your bed and turned on your lamp. When you opened your curtains, you saw Techno smiling at you before he grabbed his notebook and wrote ‘hello’. 

You uncapped your marker, wrote ‘hi’, and shakily raised it to him. You saw him frown at your shakiness, he wrote ‘you okay?’

You stared at your paper for a bit contemplating whether or not you should tell him the truth. It was no use in lying to him, he knew you better than you knew yourself. After a moment, you wrote ‘no’.

You watched as he frowned and his eyebrows crinkled together in an upwards slant. ‘Discord?’

‘Sure’

You closed your curtains once more and opened up your PC. You could already see that Techno, Wilbur, and Tommy were in a separate voice channel. When you joined, you were startled by Tommy’s loud screaming and Wilbur’s hysterical laughter. 

“WILBUR YOU PRICK WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT I WORKED SO HARD GETTING THAT NETHERITE!” 

They were interrupted by a knock on Tommy’s door, “Tommy for the love of god it’s almost eleven at night kiddo. You can keep playing but please just keep it down.”

“SORRY DADZA!”

“Good job dumbass,” Wilbur chuckled.

“Hey (y/n), how’re you?” Techno’s somewhat pointed voice interrupted them. “(Y/N)! Please tell Wilbur that it’s not cool to borrow my armor and ‘accidentally’ fall into a lava lake.”

“It was an accident I swear!” Wilbur’s slight chuckle told you otherwise. “Wilbur,” your croaky and wobbly voice scolded him quietly, “not cool.”

The voice channel went silent as you logged into your shared minecraft server. You immediately spawned in the main lobby at spawn that you built the last time you logged in. You got to work gathering wood for walls you were going to build around the city. You saw Techno’s character run to you and help you gather wood. 

“...You good, (y/n)?” Tommy’s voice took on an uncharacteristic level of gentleness and concern. 

“‘M fine.” 

After a while of silence, you heard keyboards start to click again. Gradually conversation started back up and everything felt lighthearted once more. Though, you only talked when you were prompted to. After gathering the correct amount of wood, you and Techno went back to your house so you could craft some slabs. However as you approached the crafting table, you passed your bed. Next to your bed was your pet dog, barking slightly and looking at you with it’s pixel eyes. 

You could feel tears well up in your eyes at the sight of the pixelated dog. With a lump forming in your throat you struggled to breathe through it, your breaths coming out shuttering. You made quick work of muting yourself on Discord and started sobbing, the white dog staring at you sitting on top of your minecraft bed. This wasn’t a panic attack, you knew that. But you still felt overcome by a massive wave of grief. 

After a bit, you saw Techno’s character pop in front of you and start hitting the air. In chat, you saw that he private messaged you ‘vc 2’

You clicked off the main voice chat and was immediately greeted by Techno’s gentle voice. “What’s goin on buddy?” He was only met with your sobs, “deep breaths.”

“I’m not having a panic attack.”

“Still, deep breaths are good. Follow me.” With that, you two worked on getting your breathing back to normal and your tears slowly stopped. The entire time he was giving you praise and gentle reassurances whenever you tried to apologize to him. By the time you stopped crying you felt almost completely drained. 

“You okay now?” You hummed in confirmation, too tired to say anything. “Thank you Tech, I-I’m sorry-”

“Stop apologizing for feeling emotions. They’re one hundred percent valid… Do you feel comfortable telling me what happened?”

“I…” You trailed off as you couldn’t bring yourself to say the words out loud. “You don’t have to tell me, ya know.” Technoblade gently reminded you.

“I’ll PM it to you.” With that, you PMed him on minecraft explaining that your dog died this morning. “Fuck, I’m so sorry (y/n). I’m sure he isn’t suffering anymore. Did- did they ever find out what caused the seizures?”

“No, but… he had tons of health issues that I’m glad he doesn’t have to deal with anymore.” 

“Do you wanna talk about the good times with him with Wil and Tommy? If you don’t want to we can just talk about them here.”

“Let’s rejoin the main voice channel.”

“Hey (y/n), how’re you doing?” Wilbur gently asked you. “I’m alright, do- do you guys know what happened?” They both said yes. Technoblade must’ve told them what was happening.

“(Y/n) come outside. We built something for you.” Tommy was uncharastically gentle. 

When you moved to go outside of your minecraft house and Wilbur and Tommy led you to an empty spot in the city you four were building, you stopped in your tracks. In front of you built in various types of stone was a dog statue. In front of it stood a sign that read ‘in loving memory of (dog name)’.

“We aren’t done with it, but we can finish it in a couple of hours,” Wilbur mumbled into the microphone. 

“No, it’s perfect as it is. I don’t know what to say guys…”

“You don’t have to say anything, just know that we’re here for you.” Tommy said, his minecraft character walking over to your own and hitting you. 

“Oi, don’t hit them!” Techno punched him back and that started an all out brawl between the two. It quickly ended when Techno pulled out his fully enchanted netherite sword named ‘Orphan Obliterator’. 

“Get fucked, nerd.” You could just tell Tommy was holding in screaming at his brother. “I’m not the nerd here, you’re the one that reads for fun.” Tommy retorted. You heard shuffling on Techno’s end and him walking away from his PC. You were about to ask what was happening before you heard Tommy silently scream in terror. “Oh fuck he’s coming!” You assumed that Tommy ran to lock his door. Not long after that you heard a knock, “I just wanna talk.”

“No! You-”

“I just wanna talk.”

“Let him talk, Tommy!”

“NO WILBUR.”

You heard Philza’s groggy muffled voice, “it is midnight on a Friday. I don’t care what happens or who fights who, just do it in your own rooms and do it quietly.” 

“Sorry Dad,” you heard Techno’s retreating steps before he returned to his chair. “You’re a douche, Technoblade.” 

“I just wanted to talk, Tommy.” At that, Techno started beating Tommy to death once more. Each time he would kill Tommy, he would give Tommy a small head start before he would find him again. While this was happening, Wilbur PMed you ‘wanna prank Tommy and Techno? I’m thinking we put chickens under their houses’.

You looked at his player and nodded. You and Wilbur got to work luring chickens into holes you dug around their bases and burying them so that they were close enough to hear, but deep enough for it to be mildly inconvenient finding them. After you two were done with that, you met at spawn again.

“Techno stop killing Tommy. We want to tell stories about (dog name).” You saw Techno’s character sprint to your group and Tommy’s come up from a hole in the ground. “I was just about to find him.”

“Thank you! God, I hate it when he does that.”

The rest of the night you four spent reminiscing on the funny things that (dog name) did over the years. At some points you even laughed along with them. After you told them that you wanted to take your senior pictures with him, Techno offered to edit him into your photos. You didn’t know when you passed out but when you woke up, you had a crick in your neck and your PC monitor was off. You could hear three sets of soft snoring on the other end of the call. You felt yourself drifting off to their gentle breathing and smiled slightly; with them, everything felt better. 

[shorkbrian]

Prelude - I need to stop catching sight of poetry on my explore page lol. This is entirely self-indulgent and very specific cause I’m rotting thru life rn and so if u dislike I understand lol. When I was in the hospital this last time it sucked rlly bad and like the awful horny degenerate I was I kept thinking abt Kirishima and soft sweet Sugawara idk lol

Pairing - Death god Kirishima x Reader

Warnings - Suicide, suicide attempt, no smut. Death. Drunk Drivers. Yandere but only a little bit and cause I can’t voluntarily accept love it has to be forced bc I cannot handle the thot of someone who is sane loving me bc there is no freaking way lol

Music - https://open.spotify.com/track/5Iy1wdO0tMaHwKnfFYtlel?si=-vqod-W6SHia8ui2Hdl_9g 

Adding this one bc it’s like one of my favorites and I wish god I wish and I hope that this year is better than the last amen lol also there’s nothing more sad to me than someone pleading and begging and crying for the year to treat you nicely like bitch u okay? no. the answer is no.

https://open.spotify.com/track/0xRO7EKgYKVB8zKIoiXMDD?si=HYBaiBzjRGmQwfCHgnTUxA

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“It hurts.” You had told him, as the entity sat at the end of your hospital bed.

He often sank heavily onto the nearest surface, as if his bones ached with the weight of his body. You saw him often during those first few days in the hospital, days spent puking up pills, every move you made monitored, doctors and nurses scolding you about the severity of your actions.

You didn’t think they could see the hulking figure that comforted you.

“I”ve heard that it’s supposed to.” The red god of death would think aloud.

“I don’t want it then.” Tears upon your cheeks, soft, misty. “Take it.”

“Your life?” A nod would affirm his question, but the red god would shake his head. “I am no thief. Not a hunter, simply a gatherer of souls. I won’t take what doesn’t belong to me.”

“Then it’s yours, have my life. A gift, from me to you. Don’t make me live it any longer…..”

His sadness would show in his eyes.

But the soul-crushing hugs that were provided were admittedly a tiny bit nice.

“You’re far too sweet for your own good. I’ll receive your life when the time is right, not before.”

“But I don’t want it!” You sobbed into his shoulder, the god seeming to be your only friend in the world.

Hands stroked along your back, soft shushing sounds as the god attempted to soothe you in the ways he knew how. Soft touches, kind truths. “Many don’t.  But it happens - life happens anyways. All you can do is find the things that make it less painful.”

“That’s not enough, it still hurts. I can’t stand it.” The sobs wracking your body didn’t stop the entity from holding you.

“I know, and I’m sorry.”

——

He’s patient and kind.

Surprising for a god who’s work involves collecting souls as if they were taxes. A job that should be bitter and tiresome, but the entity has infinite softness resting inside of him.

He walks with you, as you get “better“.

You watch him stop to marvel at flowers, to study the way dew drips from trees in little drops, eyes wide and wondering as crows startle from their perches and take off with noisy weeping.

This courtyard is drab and brown, a prison. Safe.

Yet the god of death treats the space gently, with respect. He thanks the old walls for standing, the worn stones beneath your feet. Their service is noted and appreciated. He’s so tender it almost makes you sick.

But you come to realize that he’s simply allowing himself to be vulnerable, to experience the earth and the beings in it.

For as soon as one recognizes vulnerability, which is so different from weakness or tragedy, one experiences a sense of tenderness. Without tenderness, pleasure means nothing. You need only look at the animals to see the truth of that. It is gentleness that distinguishes their playing from the actions they constantly take to ensure their survival.

You ask why he walks with you, why he is so focused on seeing you get “better“.

A soft smile, a meeting of eyes. “There is an end to your pain, sometime and somewhere. It’s most likely not here, not in this place at least-“ and he looks around, at the cold walls, the other sick patients, the staff. All human.

“-It will come. But for now, it’s enough to try and seek it out ourselves.”

You must look more sick than you really are, talking to thin air like that.

——-

Once you return home, the red god writes you letters.

He’s an old soul, an old god. You’re sure if you asked, he’d be able to recount the very first souls he reaped, a man and a woman, sinful and sweet but in love.

The letters help you get out of bed. What new stories or little quips the god has written pique your curiosity, even when you don’t want to move, don’t want to be awake or alive.

He tells you stories about certain souls, how each one is infinitely interesting, how they all interconnect.  How some of them struggle against him, however fruitlessly. But he’s not the one who brought about their death, he’s there to comfort and guide.

Other souls, (“souls like yours” he writes) welcome him, run to his arms like a long lost lover. Their death was terrifying by their own hand, and it hurt. He can’t take away that pain, those memories. The red god says he wishes those souls find peace wherever he must take them afterwards, or at least, some form of contentment.

“The meaning of life is to give life meaning, at least, that’s what seems to be the consensus.” You rip off that part of the letter, hang it on your wall by your bed.  The other letters you keep in your nightstand, content with the knowledge that there are souls out there like you

It’s hard work, creating meaning for yourself.

The red god takes to visiting you between each letter, says he misses you, the way your soul cries. He tells you that he wishes he could help you quiet it, quiet that raging, terrible storm that hurls you about.

You make him cookies - it’s the only way you know how to say thank you. It’s what your mother taught you, so it may not be right, but the god eats them nonetheless. He likes it when you eat with him, feeding you bites from his cookie, wiping chocolate off of your nose, making you laugh with stupid jokes and a mouth stuffed full of cookies.

Even if some of them are too crunchy, or others too soft, all of them imperfect.

Imperfection is the essence of humanity, he tells you, and it’s more fun eating each cookie with the thought that you’re devouring your imperfections, making yourself whole again, filling up the empty spaces in your soul.

——

Eventually, the crawl back to your feet, rise with the unsteadiness of a toddler. You fall frequently, cry often, but you’re able to get up and try again.

Some days you need to bury yourself in sadness, let yourself feel and feel and hurt. Other days are not so bad, but still tinged  with regret and fear and sadness.

The red god is by your side, gives you something to cling to when you waver.

He is always there.

He will be there when you meet your end.

The god is in no hurry.

You question why he wastes his time on you, hours spent reassuring you, talking to you, tucking you in your bed and leaving glasses of water on your nightstand before taking his leave.

Home is a feeling, not a place. Home is with you - that’s what he tells you. You take his breath away, even though he might not even need to breath because he’s the god of death. HIs thoughts muddle and he trips over his feet and can’t help himself from wanting to hold you.

You learn that even gods yearn for home.

He’s capable of feelings and emotions just like any other human. He may be wiser, and older, able to draw from experience and a deep well of wisdom. But he still feels, and feels deeply.

Just as he gives the earth around him such reverence, he extends that same  attitude when he deals with you.

“Everything I see reminds me of you. When I wake and the sun creeps over the mountains, hesitant, it reminds me of the way that you rise - haltingly, yet it happens nonetheless. The flowers in the field that so steadily grow, you’re like ground they take root in, soft and unstable yet still tenable with the potential for growth. I don’t know, I haven’t exactly held such closeness with a human-“

He trails off, but you think you understand.

Maybe you don’t. It’s hard to relate to a god.

——

A confession occurs, and you’re surprised to learn that the blood-red god of death is in love.

“What did my hands do before they held yours? What did my heart do without all of this love? I can’t hold enough of you, I carry such love for you in my heart.”

With a frail, hopeless human nonetheless.

You don’t know what to tell him, how to explain that you can barely take care of yourself right now, meet your own needs.

But the red god seems to know, seems to understand the way your breath hitches and your eyes widen. One more hug, squeezed tight to his chest while he promises nothing has to change.

Things do change, even if you wish them not to. The world doesn’t bow to your whims, nor the death-god’s.

Innocent touches, his hand on your shoulder, patting your head, offering to rub out the tension in your back after you’ve had a crushing day - they don’t feel so innocent anymore.

The constant survellience still seemed kind, and you knew it was with your best intentions in mind that the god hovered so close, invading every aspect of your life.

But a creeping tendril of unease took hold, and you worried.

Everywhere you turned, he would be there, ready to support you, walk you through anything you wished.

Again, you questioned his commitment. Why? Why you?

“I can’t explain how fond of you I’ve grown. How heat blossomed in my chest as we grew closer. There’s infinite things I wish to say to you, ways for me to express my-my love, but I’ll just let you live.”

He neither killed you nor let you live.

Was it frightening? Maybe. But you had nothing to really live for, lost, searching for your own meaning in a big big world, floundering in an endless sea of sadness and suffering. You weren’t afraid of anything the god could, or would, do to you.

Until you woke up, not knowing where you were, in pitch black.

Arms encircling your shoulders, a soft body beneath your own, holding you tightly, a hand caressing your cheek.

A sun rose, on a strange new land, on the blood-red god gazing at you.

“There seemed to be so much more time for you. But accidents happen, Drivers drink and hearts give out. I was expecting you to grow old, for us to live and love like that, see how you grew through life.”

He looked around this new world, and you vaguely remember what had come before.  A walk along the sidewalk, blaring horns, impact, blood.

“But this will be just as nice. You can stay here with me now. Life can’t cause you anymore pain.”

You don’t feel comforted by those words.  There’s no way for you to know whether this new world would be better than the one you left behind.

[seodami]

Dearest treasure | KTH

|PART 1| |PART 2| |PART 3|

Summary: Every kid in town was afraid of Kang Taehyun, the old -slightly creepy- man living alone for years and years in the same run down house. Every night he would go into his backyard with a shovel and dig a hole into the earth. No one knows why and there are kids rumouring about him burying people. Jungwon was a bright kid, wanting to find out the truth behind this widely spread rumour for a school project. And what he found out would change his life forever.

Genre: fluff, angst, flashbacks, story of life, snippets of life, tiny bit humour

Warning: old Taehyun, mention of death, mention of suicide/suicidal thoughts, death

Word count: 10152 (all 3 parts together)

Pairing: Kang Taehyun x reader, (Yang Jungwon)

Note: Wow okay so this story took me a while to write and I listened to hours of das music to finish this🥺 this was honestly an emotional rollercoaster. But I’m so glad it’s finally finished so I can post it on here yayyy!!! I hope you like it an enjoooyy (please tell me if you cried I would really appreciate your responses haha bc I did)

Main Masterlist

2089 (present)

Jungwon took a glance down towards the camera clasped tightly in the palm of his hand. With a heavy breath, his eyes slowly moved up to the big house in front of him. Former white paint - now a dirty grey almost everywhere - was already peeling itself from the walls, dozens of thick ivy tendrils sneaking up to the dirty windows and even further. It looked just like the old spooky houses, Jungwon had secretly seen in horror movies his parents were watching. And it especially felt like it as well.

The cold wind was slowly whirling around the dead leaves on the ground, freeing the view to numerous mounds of earth spreading over the whole front yard and probably even backyard. Some were fresher than the others. Some were older than the others.

Jungwon could feel a wave of goosebumps hushing over his body, clearly not only being the cold winds fault. With one last reassuring nod to himself, he courageously made its way over the small path through the chaotic front yard towards the old wooden front door.

It had terrified him when he was a bit younger to even lay eyes on this house, let alone go any near it, and quite truthfully, Jungwon still felt a tiny wave of fear coming through. He had heard many things around this neighbourhood and school...creepy theories as to why the old man living inside this house was seen digging holes in his garden. From murder to even paranormal activities, everything was possible, referring one of the older kids at school, Park Jongseong, who tended to love scaring innocent young students with these stories. And he even heard parents trying to discipline their children, threatening them to pay ‘Killer Kang’ - that was the old man’s unfortunate nickname - a small visit if they did not behave. It was as if this small town didn’t have anything else to talk about than a lonely, slightly creepy, man. And if he remembered correctly, he never saw or heard anyone even trying to talk to him. So what did they know?

Jungwon heard a lot. To say the least, he questioned himself quietly if he should have just chosen another topic for his video and interview for a school project. He could have. But something deep down told him quietly not to judge too quickly, not to judge a book only by it’s cover. His parents and his grandmother taught him that early on and it stayed with him ever since. He wanted to give this poor scrutinised man a chance to actually explain himself. Why was he always digging these holes into the ground? Maybe he really was a serial killer and this would be Jungwons biggest mistake, but where’s the fun in not even trying? Right? He could only lose, well...his life...

The 14 year old boy quickly shook his head, trying to stay positive. And then he finally pressed the rusty bell on the side of the door. He heard nothing at first, it was as quiet as it could get, no steps, no talking, no TV. The eerie feeling hanging in the air didn’t make it any better for Jungwon to stay calm and not giddy. “You can do this! He’s not even creepy.” He tried to hype himself up.

He almost wanted to ring again, as his heart sunk. Damp slow steps were coming closer and closer, making him hold his breath unconsciously. The door opened in an awful slow motion, revealing the old man everyone was afraid of. White hair framed his sunken in face full of deep wrinkles. He used a walking stick to stand, his position was crouched forward, so he was about the same height as him, maybe even a bit smaller. And when Jungwon met his eyes, there was a glint in them, that almost scared him off like all the other kids would have. But he stayed put.

The man didn’t say anything, just stared at him, awaiting him to explain this very unusual visit. Nobody had ever dared to ring his house. Not even the mailman thought of doing so.

“Good Morning Mr Kang. Uhm ...I am Yang Jungwon.” The young boy began with slightly unstable voice, trying to get a hold of himself. “I am a student at Namgang Highschool and we are currently doing individual video projects containing an interview with someone we find fascinating and want to learn more about. And...I was wondering if...if maybe it would be possible to...interview you?” Jungwon managed to squeak out, hiding his trembling hands from Mr. Kangs boring hawk eyes.

He still hadn’t said anything, looking up and down the underaged student. Then his eyes met his shaky ones again. “Is this a joke again, boy? Because I have no tolerance for silly boy pranks.” He finally muttered out in a harsh tone, letting Jungwon flinch the slightest. He quickly shook his head, implying that this was his last wish to do.

“No sir, no I swear this is a very serious question and project. I wouldn’t dare to do anything but.” The boy rambled, now fiddling nervously with the hem of his uniform jacket. The man pulled his glasses somewhat higher on his nose before he gave the student a hesitant nod.

“You are the first person for years daring to come talk to me...” he noted absent minded, eyes wandering behind the boy to check if there really weren’t any stupid kids hiding inside the bushes. “How...extraordinary.” He muttered, clinging onto his walking stick as he began turning around.

“You said fascinating people, boy? I have to disappoint you, there is nothing interesting about me, I dare say.” A small sigh left his mouth, beginning to close his door slowly but Jungwon was quicker. What had gotten into him? Was it the surprise at his not so cold attire or maybe has he just gone crazy? But Jungwon wanted to know more about his story. There had to be more.

“Sir, no please. You may think so but quite frankly you are the talk of town every day.” Jungwon began but got stopped hearing the other one scoffing displeased. “Killer Kang...I know this nickname they all give me. Do you use it too? I don’t want to have anything to do with people like this.” His tone got harsher again.

Jungwon frantically shook his head again. “I don’t. I would never. This is the reason why I chose to interview you in the first place. I want to hear your part about everything. I think it is only fair to give you a proper chance to explain. They just don’t know.” He gave the man a pleading look. Mr. Kang hesitated again, letting the boys words sink in. He didn’t seem like he could harm a fly, he thought. Was is worth the struggle?

He didn’t know what or why he was doing it but the next thing Jungwon saw was him walking slowly into the house again, leaving the door open. Should he follow? A quick look over his shoulder told him he should. Jungwon couldn’t believe he really meant it so he still stood unsure, fiddling with the silver camera in his hands, metal cooling against his sweaty palms. “Are you coming, or what?” The now softer voice of the white haired man asked still trotting forward in a steady pace.

This woke Jungwon immediately out of his trance, stumbling clumsily stuttering and rambling while thanking him over and over again. He had made it.

He entered the dark hallway, suddenly being hit with a strong smell of a typical musty grandparents house. It remembered him of his own grandmother’s one, where he spent almost half of his childhood. With one swift movement, he gently shut the door and followed the tracks of this houses owner without forgetting to put his shoes off. There were some stacks of newspaper laying around randomly, old picture frames hanging on some of the white and dark green walls and old brown rugs adorning the cold floor. He noticed a small picture of a young lady in a baby blue dress, sitting on a self built swing while smiling ear to ear. But he quickly moved on. It was as every other old people’s home, Jungwon thought.

“Boy, say, do you want a cup of tea? Or water?” The young student heard the now calm voice asking him, seeing as they arrived in the living room. An antique looking glass chandelier was hanging right in the middle, brown couches placed generously inside the big room. Jungwon was surprised. He expected to shake with pure fear in his veins, but why did it feel like he was just visiting his grandparents? A friendly visit. That was the first moment he knew he misjudged the famously feared old man.

“No thank you. I was wondering if I could maybe...film the whole thing? The interview? I prepared some questions already if that is fine with you.” Jungwon timidly pulled out the camera behind his back and soon enough some pieces of paper. There was a moment of silence, Mr. Kang just looking speechlessly at the innocent and oh so polite brown haired boy. His heart already told him, despite his inner conflicts, that he was a nice boy. A really well-behaved kid. He could tell him, he could understand, and maybe even help. At least that was his hope.

“You are really something else. Jungho was your name?” With small steps he wandered to one of the couches, plopping down painfully slow with a nasty crack of his bones into an already deep hollow on the couch. Just like his grandparents. Jungwon by now was really overwhelmed by the mans compliance and...kindness?

“It’s Jungwon, Mr. Kang.” He added, earning an understanding nod from his side, followed by a motion of his hand for him to sit down. “Of course, of course. You can set up the camera on the table if you have to. It was a long time ago since...anyone filmed me.”

It didn’t took long for the eager student to put his camera on the table in a good angle. His script was already sprawled all across his lap and with nervous looks in between, he asked the man if he was ready to begin the interview. Jungwon was aching to know the truth behind the misunderstood lonely person in front of him. He finally wanted to clear the unpleasant rumours about him, wanting to know what really was behind his actions.

“Ready, boy.”

Jungwon clicked the red recording button on his camera, sitting down on the couch behind it. And he did not waste any time to start.

“My first question for you Mr Kang, has to do with your widely spreaded nickname. As you told me earlier, you were already aware of such name. What do you think about it?”

It was the second time, he heard him scoff in annoyance. “It’s ridiculous what people tend to gossip behind someone’s back when they are bored. Whoever believes these ignorant, mindless comments should go to school again and get educated. This nickname... ‘Killer Kang’ -“ he stopped to caugh out loudly, repositioning himself more comfortable in his seat before continuing to talk. “ - holds absolute no truth in it. I can’t seem to think why somebody even invented it.”

Jungwon immediately nodded in agreement, earning a small nod from the man himself. “That was exactly my point. It looked almost like people just invented some crazy untrue theories when they cannot seem to understand a certain...action.” He tried to find the right words. “It’s probably nothing new to hear, but people around this town, I think they came up with this name solely to...to find an explanation as to why...the holes...I mean you digging them with a shovel in your garden...is that...” he lost his voice in the end of his sentence, not wanting to say any wrong words.

But Mr. Kang just nodded, looking out of the window with a distant look. He suck in a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “It’s probably not the answer you or all the people would like to hear. All the foolish theories. It’s something far more...simple.” He looked over to Jungwon, soft eyes under the thick crease above them. He was ready to tell someone. Just anyone. He longed for a conversation for too long, maybe that is why he agreed in the first place.

He was so lonely.

“Let me tell you my story right from the beginning. I hope you do have some time, boy, it might be a longer story.”

And then he began to tell his story. Your story.

[fuck-goes-on]

Carnage

pairing/s: NONE, because reader literally gets traumatised bc of marcus please-

summary: you work for a big name company as an assistant to the CEO. you work late on night and when you go to say farewell to your boss, you find something horrifying

warning/s: MAJOR GORE WARNING UNDER THE LINE! I REPEAT GORE AND BODY HORROR AHEAD OF YOU, violence, blood control/thirst, minor character death (you don't die dw), mentally unstable character, kidnapping, non-con themes, dark! marcus is a warning in and of himself

note/s: DARK MARCUS FIRST ONE SHOT LETS GOOOO manifesting more creative juices for dark marcus,, no cap this has done me good in terms of letting go negative emotions so HAHA we love that for me 😌✨i honestly dont know why it ended up with marcus kidnapping reader but here we are anyways

masterlist

You yawned into your hand as you type away information into your computer, slowly bopping your head left and right to the music in your earphones. It was nearing one o'clock in the morning and you were so close to finishing the files Mr. Howard forced you to digitise, making you work later than usual. You leaned back on your chair, stretching your legs out and your arms up, you decided to finish the rest of the files tomorrow and call it a night.

Packing your things up in your shoulder bag, you stand up from your desk and walk towards your boss' door. You knew he was still in his office, having seen him thirty minutes ago when he shoved more papers into your hands. Facing the door of Mr. Howard's office, you brought your hand up to knock on the wood. You waited a couple of seconds for his permission, and when there was no sound, you knocked once more.

It wasn't that your boss didn't like it when people came into his office without his permission, but it was that your boss didn't like it when people came into his office without his permission. You shrugged it off and thought Mr. Howard just fell asleep or didn't hear you, plus you weren't dumb enough to keep on knocking. As you were walking away, however, you heard a groan coming from inside the room.

“Mr. Howard? Sir?” You called out from the door. “Sir, are you alright? May I come in?” You knocked again, more urgently this time, thinking your boss wasn't feeling well. When he didn't answer, you cursed out loud, biting down on your lip and tapping your foot on the floor.

You shove the fuck you give to the rule away; If there was no boss, then there will be no employees, if there are no employees, then there is no company, and if there was no company, then there won't be any money for survival. With that logic in mind, you opened the door and stepped into the room.

And you screamed.

(GORE WARNING AGAIN)

There was blood splattered everywhere; The couch, the walls, the tables, the shelves- Fuck even on the ceiling?! Tiny chunks were sticking onto the surfaces and you wouldn't dare think of what it could be. As your eyes stared in the room in horror, you failed to notice the dark presence in the room.

The door slammed shut, your throat closed up, and you were thrown against the bloodied wall by an invisible force. Grasping at your neck, you tried to push away the pressure that forced your airway close, but nothing was physically holding you down.

Just as you thought you would pass out, the invisible grip around your throat loosened and you gasped shakily for air, dropping down on your knees and coughing roughly. You screamed once more when your body was dragged on the floor, your shirt and bag getting soaked in the blood puddles until your back hit a hard surface.

When you turn your head to look at what you bumped into, you fought the urge to throw up. It was Mr. Howard's body- or at least, it looked like Mr. Howard's body. The head was caved in, easily showing you the contents of his skull, and the limbs were just... in the wrong places. You didn’t like your boss, none of your coworkers did, but you wouldn’t ever wish this upon him.

You felt numb, you're mouth open in shock, your tears rolling down your bloodied cheeks, and your body in phantom pain as you continued to stare at the corpse in front of you.

A large, gloved hand grabbed your face to turn your eyes away from the scene. You gasped in fright as you see a broad man clad in all black, with a scarf hiding the lower half of his face, only showing his cold, brown eyes. Whimpering and crying, you struggled against him but the invisible force came back, more painful than earlier, and stopped you from moving.

“Do you know who this man is?” The dark man asked you, his voice, husky and deep, sent shivers down your spine. When you nod your head, he chuckled dryly, “Do you know who he truly is?” You shook your head, almost pleadingly. “He's a killer. He's a murderer. He killed my friend in cold blood and I came to pay him a visit. A well-deserved one, wouldn't you say?”

“P-P-Please, I-I just work f-for him here, I d-did-didn't know,” You begged, your hand coming up to grip this wrist. The man mockingly cooed at you, before slamming you into the front of your boss' desk.

“Listen to me very closely if you want to live,” He said slowly, enunciating every word to you. “You can either run away in fright, go to the nearest police station and turn this bloody scene in, have them arrest you because you're in a crazed state and there's not enough evidence that you saw me doing it.” You sobbed loudly, panic filling your chest as you tried to make sense of his words. “Or, you can come with me, I'll treat you better than this bastard ever did and you won't have to lift a finger ever again. Doesn't that sound appealing, dear?”

“I-I d-don't-”

“Shh, it's okay, dear. We both know what the better option is, right?” The man's eyes crinkled at the sides, most likely giving you a menacing smile underneath his scarf. He stroked your hair in a pitiful attempt to calm you down, but you flinch away from his touch, whimpering in fear. You froze in fright as he picked you up from the floor, and used the private elevator your boss had in his office to go to the ground floor. The dark man pulled down his scarf to reveal his face, and it was the last thing you saw before passing out from shock.

“That’s it, dear, get some rest. You’ll need it once I bring you home.”

--

dark! marcus tag: @pedrocentric​