#i wish this wasn't a trigger for me
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one person blocks me and what i thought was mental stability crumbles like a sandcastle built too close to the water
#xenon screams#vent#i think i need to go back to therapy#i wish this wasn't a trigger for me#they say it's toxic to have blocking as a trigger but i would do anything to get rid of it#you know im confused about the trauma that the blocking trigger came from#bi lesbian hate stopped being a trigger but blocking stayed?
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d tier malewife </3
#number one guy to cook up eggs that are sooo crunchy. like soo full of shells#sigh i wish the drama track wasn't behind a paywall.......#jyuto being a total fucking loser is so important to me TwT)#hypmic#hypnosis mic#jyuto iruma#samatoki aohitsugi#rio mason busujima#mad trigger crew#my_art.png
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There is a very exquisite agony in playing a game you love so so so so so much, and realizing that one of the other players is trying to play a totally different game than you.
#hush frenchy#we went to the coffin shop today in vallaki#and our rogue triggered combat SIMPLY because he didn't want to leave the house without looting every single room#to clarify: WE HAD ACHIEVED OUR OBJECTIVE#we literally just needed to get out#but the rogue's player was like cmoooon its no fun to leave without looting everything we can get our hands on#now everything we're doing has gone to absolute shit#and to clarify: its going to be very interesting!!#and I feel like I would've been just fine with the result#IF it had been for any other reason besides that this one player seems to think that we're in a video game#like if there had been some kind of character motivation? or genuine concern that we were missing a piece of something we were looking for?#totally fine!! love that in fact!!#but just stealing shit because 'you're the rogue' feels... idk.#it just feels like it's a totally different game than the rest of us are playing#and now we ALL have to deal with the consequences#i just. urgh. i do not know what to do#i am gonna talk to the dm and see if she noticed the same thing as me#and try to brainstorm we the players can do to impart a sense of balance for people with different play styles#but i just feel like despite repeated efforts by the dm to be like hey this is a game for exploration and character engagement#the player is just ignoring that and doing Whatever He Feels Like#ANYWAY SORRY RANT OVER#I'm just really in love with this game and having one really thorny part is just HNG#positive note: the wizard whipped out alter self and thought he was the coolest guy in the whole world#despite repeatedly missing in combat#it was very cute and i wish Wyn wasn't absolutely certain that she was about to die#because she would absolutely stroke his ego about it simply to see him preen#the fighter was also very sweet and keeps working so hard to protect wyn#and since I'm a fighter in my other game i know where to put myself to make it easier for him so there's a lot of synergy#IT'S JUST VERY CUTE AND NICE AND GOOD. I LOVE THEM BOTH A LOT
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painfully aware of all the wasted time in cambridge and how what i might have wanted to do is just not ever gonna happen. idk if i'd have liked punting but i never went and now the friends who i'd have gone with are all too busy in exams and about to graduate. maybe i should have gone to the formals and just suffered through the sensory overload so that i could have taken photos with my friends at the end of the night and convinced myself afterwards i had fun. i've been to a couple of museums here, but only with my parents. i spent hours and hours in this stupid place hiding in toilets, self-destructing, not going to things because i was too scared, when i could - should - have been exploring the prettiest parts of cambridge with my friends. friends who were too fucking busy all the fucking time. friends whose social calendars were always already full of "drinks with [ensemble i'm not in] after the concert" or "dnd with [a group they formed before i met that friend]" - no one's excluding me on purpose, but what are you meant to do when you have friends you love but you missed out on all the things you wish you could have done with them and now it's too late? no one has time to do anything. i feel so so alone and i have for so long and it never seems to get any better
#triggered by watching the tiktok videos of a guy i know from the college poetry group - he's really nice and funny#and i think we could have been friends if we'd both been freshers at the same time#but he's second or third year now and i'm a phd and he has close friends here#and that's not the point the point is he has these videos of him cycling round cambridge with his friends and watchign films with them#and going to events#and museums#and basically having a social life#and i'm so fucking mad at myself and tbh against my better judgment at my friends for just#idk for prioritising their degrees#that's so shitty of me#i just#i wish i could have made memories!#i wish i didn't have anxiety i wish i wasn't autistic or that my autism manifested differently#i wish i could do things#i wish i wasn't a fucking useless embarrassing mentally ill weirdo who no one wants to spend time with#i wish i could go back to the start and do this over again
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one of my housemates is so fucking sensitive it turns me into a person I do not like
#like i always thought /i/ was 'overly' sensitive but my god. you cannot say ANYTHING around her#every little thing is too much for her everything is a trigger everything makes her tell you it wasn't okay for you to say around her or not#warning her about first like my sister in christ how the fuck should i have known this was a problem for you#maybe print out a trigger list and send it to all of us or something#but breathing is probably on there so#truly i hate how i sound i don't want to be like this but she's just playing the victim so severely it makes me aggressive it's like. primal#and I don't care when she flees from the room all the time when we're just having normal conversations because honestly I'm glad when she's#gone but she projects her issues onto everyone and everything around her like she cannot comprehend that maybe she has a fucking problem and#should maybe learn to deal with the fucking world#people aren't horrible for simply existing around you being themselves like. ny god it just makes me so furious#like i am AWARE that i have deficits; things that are easy for other people or come natural to them that i have issues with and that's fine#I'm learning to live in my way#and i can still love myself and not blame myself for having these problems without turning everyone around me and the whole fucking world#into the problem instead#i don't know if I'm even conveying what i mean#it's just this fucking victim complex that's driving me up the walls#she sees herself as so innocent and actually she's treating people like shit#man do i wish i could smoke about this
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Short extract of that one WIP I've been working on !
TW are mention of death/dead bodies, mention of blood and uh I genuinely don't have the word but like. Disturbing way of thinking
It's 1 am and I have a big test tomorrow so I'm just going to post the cancel fic tonight and hopefully I'll be back to my usual posts tomorrow ! Anon if you recognize your ask expect the full thing in like two days unless I triggered myself too much lol
#Cancel fic go !!!!#'I don't get Clive' I do. And it's ugly and scary and I never want to go back to this place again#But also grief is such an ugly thing and too many people think it's ugly because of like crying or being irritated or stuff#No. Grief is ugly because there is a good chance that you'll end up like that. And it's terrifying and you'll HAVE to fight your way back#Like genuinely the guy who destroyed my life wasn't a politician he wasn't even a bad person. But he still hurt me so bad and I hated him#I'm better btw. This was like years ago and I've healed from it =) But also the memory is still painfully there#I hope no one is upset about the trauma fic it was bound to happen. If you are then I'm genuinely sorry I wish I was better#(Although I'm pretty sure the only person I triggered is me lol)#My writing#TW : mention of blood#tw : mention of death#tw : blood#tw : death
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hi lovely 💖 I just wanna send you a digital forehead kiss, a big hug, a soft blanket, and your favorite lil beverage. and most importantly, I want to tell you—it wasn’t your fault, sweetheart. it is never our fault for being abused. you DO deserve a safe gentle tender caring loving relationship/sex/both, you are so inherently worthy as a person and you are so deserving of those things. this girl sounds like very bad news and you deserve better!!!!!! do not settle for this kind of treatment!!!! you are so loved, I’m sending you all the love in my gay lil heart. I hope you can feel a lil bit better today 🥺💖💖💖💖💖
I don't even know what to say just the fact that you would go out of your way to tell me this is so incredibly beautiful and you are just so lovely. reading this does feel like the softest forehead kiss. I hope you know how loved you are.
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
#I'm so sorry you had to send reassurance and I hope it wasn't triggering this is so deeply meaningful to me I appreciate it more than u know#You are right it wasn't our fault#It wasn't your fault and I know that for sure and that makes it easier to apply to me#I am giving you the softest forehead kisses I wish I could hug you this is so deeply lovely and you are so deeply lovely and precious#Asks#love letters only#💌 asks#tw abuse#Special Mail 💌#<- new tag so I can find this later and reread it
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keep being Afflicted by The Morbs and i know why. i know it's because i was relentlessly trauma triggered all day yesterday. but it feels bad. my thing is that i'm funny even when there's a hole in my chest so it doesn't even come across that way and feels like i'm lying or that people think this. but there is just a bottomless pit inside me right now that won't go away
#kāhu caws#not depressed just like the aftermath of some particularly horrendous trauma triggers#that i can only speak about to one person and i wish that wasn't the case#i literally wish so hard i could talk about this but it's so gross nobody needs to hear it#which further isolates me in the trauma spiral you see
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I need to stop saying "it's whatever/doesn't matter" whenever things go wrong at my expense and others try to apologise for having a part in things going wrong.
#most recent example. my father is currently fixing my room's walls#and he's handling big bulky insulation boards and knocked down some of my nail polish bottles.#they could've shattered since the fell from a decent height. it would've devastated me#but all i said was ''it's whatever'' and my father said ''actually it's not!''#and tbh this is making me think............#the way i so deeply care about my belongings but act unaffected whenever something happens to them#literally readily submitting myself to the harm it does to my brain and putting myself down preemptively in a way?#like yeah okay shit happened cannot change it now. not allowed to get mad over it. no use crying over spilled milk. won't fix anything.#like the most hardcore shōganai mindset ever. i wish i wasn't this way lol#(at least i'm not highly reactive and explode into anger and attack mode on the spot anymore)#(i can still recall when it happened and i probably scared off many people with my dramatic and hostile reaction. i'm ashamed)#(no wonder i didn't have many friends as a child. i was so easily triggered and overly sensitive#and depending on the trigger i either isolated myself or when others still kept bothering me i lashed the hell out.)#(i did do some serious physical damage to other kids back in kindergarten due to these outbursts on a few occasions...)#NO WONDER I RELATE TO RANDY SO MUCH AAAHHHHHH IT'S ALL COMING BACK TO ME HELP I AM REMEMBERING
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The more I think about skybound, the more I hate it. I can't explain why. It is just physically painful to think about at this point, and I need to stop or it's gonna get worse.
#can you guess what footage i was working with today?#it's officially my least favorite#HoT you can laugh at at least#and crystalized is at least stupid fun#skybound just melts my brain#i wish it wasn't this way#i don't want to hate it#but it just triggers something in me#ninjago
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...
#thats me in the corner. thats me in thr spotlight. rocking from side to side and not contributing to the conversation#which is to say. i made it to thr lab get together with an old lab mate. i really truely did not think i would#i was like 20min late bc of the crying and hyperventilating over a 6min drive down the road#i sorta freaked out while driving too. and almost turned around. its just that i kno i havent been sleeping enough and got overwhelmed#but i made it there. and i dont think i looked like id been crying but i probably looked a bit blank faced and miserable#as i rocked from side to side for like 2hrs listening to ppl talk. i enjoyed it exactly as much as i expected. it was good to see the guy#again but i just dont connect in group gatherings idk. im glad its done. also fucking we were sitting there and a group comes in and whos#in that group?? someone i have avoided seeing for like a loooong time. the guy who tried to be in a relationship with me back when i 1st#started as a grad student. i say relationship. i was explaining to him why i couldnt do any sort of romantic e tanglement and he was very#firm abt not wanting a relationship. and im like bro im explaining u why no romanticly adjacent thing is gonna work. u literally asked me#to physically hold ur hand thru this. u r somehow more emotionally invested in this than me and also are telling me that u just wanna fuck#me. so like u r not slick. whatever. it was so fucking stressful at the time. which i feel bad abt bc it wasn't really his fault#i was just less self aware so i didnt kno i have bad awareness in the moment. like i dont kno a lines been crossed until a week later when#im laying on thr floor falling apart. so like i wish him the best. didnt kno he was still around. hopefully this doesnt trigger stress#dreams. all this to say i was very fucking tense. and when i got back in my car i was like shaky and panting lol#idk looking back its just such a weird situation with that dude. if i was anyone else it woudlnt have been a big deal but#my brain just doesn't process physical touch right. so now ive got these horrible touch memories that like on paper r literally nothing#but for me they were so unfathomablly awful when i 1st aquired them. i literally could not deal with any romantic stuff for like a month#bc it would like trigger me. now thst its been like 3 years its not bad tho. just like gives me thr ick but i dont get#stuck in the memories too much. its so dumb. whatever. point is im all sore now from sitting all tense haha#unrelated
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I do think there’s a tendency to make people feel bad about their “irrational” or “problematic” emotions, and telling people “well that’s something you have to deal with and not blame other people for”
like... trying to reparent yourself and strengthen your emotional immaturity is WORK, and yes absolutely it’s work that needs to be done, but it’s not going to happen overnight. people will mess up, people will get too emotional to think about their coping mechanisms if they don’t have enough experience with accessing those tools while feeling bad. don’t let people cross your boundaries, but try to extend compassion when you can
#personal#idk thinking about a very personal experience#like telling morgan i was having mental health issues and her going radio silent for two days#i didn't really realize why i was so upset even though i knew i could cope with my stuff on my own#until i was like oh. this is how i felt as a kid when my parents ignored me when i was having intense emotions.#like being in 8th grade crying myself to sleep after three hours wishing that my mom would check on me#alright yeah.#and i KNOW this about myself. and i know that people not responding is normal.#and i know that she was dealing with things so i knew it wasn't personal.#but i still felt that anger and that panic and that intense loneliness#because that shit doesn't just go away!!!#honestly i think i did pretty well considering how emotional i was#like. giving space the last 24 hours. telling her firmly i was hurt when she did respond.#and like idk if this was just her not responding to dumb texts i wouldn't have been hurt#but the fact that it was about something emotional was REALLY what triggered my further emotional spiral#idk it's just a lot to work through!!!! and it's not easy
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trying to make it to Friday without calling my therapist in tears to make the appointment earlier
#her schedule was ruined last week apparently and she couldn't see me#but she offered to early this week#I just wish therapy wasn't so expensive because for my issues I should probably be in some sort of intensive dbt program#but that would also cost a fortune and I'd have to be on a wait list#but my symptoms feel so severe sometimes I actually feel like I'm dying#I look back at the breakdowns I had at 15-17 with absolute awe that my parents never ACTUALLY put me into psychiatric care despite#threatening to#its probably because my dads been there and I guess as much as he triggers me he also understands that it's....bad 😍#at least where I live inpatient does NOT help
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Anyway here's the besties <3
#okay the image is not as big as I thought it was but whatever lol#but yeah popee and kedamono are platonic f/os now#7th grade me would be so happy <3#just wish the way I announced them wasn't because I got triggered badly </3#man i've only been (somewhat) officially diagnosed a schizoaffective for 3 days and jsut man </3#this sucks lol#I mean?? it sucked before I got diagnosed but it seems to suck worse now that I know what it is
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I hate Cass. I hate that she blamed Andrew. I hate that she wouldn't talk to him. I hate that she didn't hate Drake. I hate that she did nothing. I hate that she blamed Andrew. I hate her.
#i wrote this after i got really triggered for the first time in a long time and had a panic attack and then started sobbing#i had to go back and edit it because there were so many spelling errors#i connect with andrew too much#and i hate cass so much because of that#andrew had it much worse but its too similar#and this all started from a comment on an andriel fic#it wasn't even inherently triggering but that pushed me over the edge very quickly#i wish i could talk to someone about this who got it#i feel so alone#i cant even think about it i just start dissociating#tw vent#kind of#tw sa implied#tw sa vent#i think only if youve read it but just in case#andrew minyard#i am now exhausted and just laying in bed staring at the ceiling
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0 days without crying at work smFH
#pan.txt#this time someone actually triggered#me it wasn't an overwhelmed cry whoops#my manager isn't in for like a week otherwise i would have gone to her and NOT had a meltdown#i just feel like. bad about it#like idk i thought at this age i'd stop crying when someone pushed my buttons#i'm so much better than i used to be but uggh#i feel so dirty#like. embarrassed about it#sigh#i wish i wasn't so mean to myself
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