#i wish the worst upon you fucking lowlife

[gojoest-main]

i don’t mean to be dramatic but gojoest will remain locked for the foreseeable future

[speckled-and-spattered]

@idolsummons cont. from (X)

People could say what they wanted about Fuyuhiko; that he was a criminal, a murderer, that he deserved nothing but the worst in life and some days he might agree, but no one could deny that he would defend those he cared about to the death no matter the situation at hand. Luckily, it didn't seem like this time anything more than some minor blood would be spilt, something that there was no avoiding in Fuyu's mind when it came to something like this. Some guy wanted to be a fucking creep? He was going to at the very best be punched, and at the worst? Well, bullets could be rather persuasive in their own way, should it come to that...

Beyond that? It was a job for his sister, and that wasn't a fate he would wish on anyone. That was a lie, he's wished her bloodthirsty wrath upon many of people over the year, and Natsumi is always more than happy to oblige...

Going from annoyed to enraged in just a matter of seconds, the yakuza's teeth grit together as the idol clarified her wishes, his freckles popping out across his cheeks as his face grew red with anger. "What a fucking lowlife." Said with almost palpable disgust, it seemed even a known gang member had standards when it came to how people conducted themselves. "Yeah, I'll take care of 'im. What's this creep look like? And how bad do you want me to hurt 'im? Or...am I just scaring the prick off?" He figured it didn't need to be said that if prompted he would be hurting the guy no matter what she said. It depended on him and how fucking weird he wanted to be about what he was doing to Hana. He may not know her personally, but Kazuichi, Sonia, and Gundham talked about her enough for him to gather that she was special to them. He had no idea what she knew of him though, if anything. Would she even be talking to him if she knew he was a yakuza? Either way, Gundham must be busy if she's not asking him, or she doesn't trust him not to kill the guy, which...yeah, that was fair, all things considered.

"You uh...you do know who I am, right? 'Cause I gotta say, kinda surprised you'd risk being seen with me, with your idol bullshit 'n all..." Being around him could only lead to trouble in the end, no matter who it was... "Besides, don't you have a literal fucking demon for a boyfriend? And a guard dog of a werewolf that follows you around like a fucking puppy? Or are you taking the easy way out and asking me, banking on the hope the guy will know I'm with the yakuza and fuck off so I don't kill him." It...would make sense, Gundham and Kaz were threatening in their own ways, hell even Sonia could get the job done in her own princessy way, but they weren't Fuyuhiko.

Sonia was a princess, she couldn't afford to get into trouble over something like this should things go wrong, and Gundham and Kaz? They were scary, sure, but in a manageable way; a big ass dog wasn't really all that hard to handle especially a scardy cat like Kaz and Gundham was only a goth chuunibyou on the surface who may flash a bit of his powers to get his point across if he needed to, but unless he wanted to out himself as an actual fucking demon on the off chance someone else sees him, his hands were tied.

Fuyu though? People knew who he was, what he had done, what he could do. If this guy was smart, all the yakuza had to do was show his face, say his name, and he'd know just what and who he was messing with. And if he tried to tell anyone about Hana hiring the yakuza to scare him off? That was easily hushed with all his connections, and that was even if anyone believed the guy. He'd have to admit why she would have had to hire the yakuza in the first place. Nothing about it would end well for him no matter how he went about it when it came to the heir.

"If you don't want someone like me to handle this shit, I could always get someone else on it. It'd be discreet, no way to tie it back to me or my clan, no danger for you or your job."

[hualianff]

Take Us Back (To Where We Hoped) 《ao3》

Samidare – Yasuharu Takanashi

They lay sprawled on the hood of the dirtied, run-down truck; backs pressed up to the scratched surface of the windshield and hands settled close enough for their pinkies to touch. The sun hung low in the sky, saturating the smog-muddled atmosphere a blazing blood-orange. A slight breeze tickled Hua Cheng’s cheeks and caressed his shoulders.

In different circumstances, the sunset would be considered beautiful. Sublime. Romantic, even. But the sky reminded Hua Cheng of cataclysmic explosions and rampant fires, unstoppable in their destruction. Rotting buildings and heaps of crumbled debris in the distance also took much of the charm away. As far as the horizon floated–an unreachable painting reserved for vibrant, passionate souls–no other human being lingered in sight.

No one else to enjoy the tranquil summer evening.

No one else but them.

“I wish I had a camera,” Xie Lian suddenly said after minutes of silence. His eyes trained on the scenery in front of them, shining with a heavenly glow. Hua Cheng turned his head to fully look at his boyfriend, listening intently. “This view is too pretty not to take a photo.”

“I can go in and ask if anyone has found one since the last stock run,” Hua Cheng offered immediately, shifting from his sitting position. He prepared to slide off the hood the moment Xie Lian nodded his assent. After all, Xie Lian only has to voice his needs and Hua Cheng will do everything in his power to ensure they are met.

However, Xie Lian shook his head, a small smile forming on his lips. He moved his hand to the right, sneaking it under Hua Cheng’s palm to intertwine their fingers.

“That won’t be necessary, San Lang,” Xie Lian said. “I was merely thinking out loud.”

“Are you sure? I wouldn’t be any longer than one minute,” Hua Cheng assured, enjoying the pressure of Xie Lian’s palm glued to his own. Their skin was a bit dry. Heavily calloused. Pale. But the skin-to-skin contact spread warmth up Hua Cheng’s arm and through the rest of his body.

His heart fiercely pounded against his ribcage.

“I’m sure. I’d rather just sit with you and watch the sun go down.”

Hua Cheng hummed in acknowledgment.

“Very well. But only until we can barely see-”

“-the peak of the tallest tower. Yes, I knowww,” Xie Lian pouted, scooting in closer to the younger man. “But this is our alone time, when I get San Lang all to myself.”

Hua Cheng’s visible eye lowered with understanding. It was true. As of two years ago, this was their temporary utopia from the unfathomable horrors of reality. The government downplayed the severity of the outbreak for as long as it could until the disease spiraled out of control. A new wave of monsters with different builds and appetites rose to the top of the food chain; humans became their designated vessels.

Or food.

The survivor group’s general rule was that everyone must be indoors as soon as the tallest structure faded into the shadows. Come nightfall is when the deadliest creatures roam the dilapidated Earth–their hunting grounds. For the most part, it’s an effective tell-tale sign they have learned along the way. Survival of the craziest indeed.

The life Hua Cheng lived before everything turned to Hell-fucking-shit was nothing but a distant past. The orphanage, the street hustle, the university he somehow managed to graduate from. Yet, a few people from this distant past remained in Hua Cheng’s life now.

He Xuan, the fucker he defended from a gang of lowlifes back in his teen years who has since then stuck to Hua Cheng’s side like a pesky magnet. (They still repel each other, somehow…)

Yin Yu, the classmate Hua Cheng was paired up with for a two-semester course, then later became his co-worker at the campus library.

And lastly, his boyfriend, Xie Lian, who he met in his final year of university, in the exact library Hua Cheng spent as many hours working as Xie Lian spent studying. Aimless business major with a poor upbringing meets promising graduate student with a tendency to put others first.

Naturally, they were drawn to each other.

“San Lang, can you please hold me?” Xie Lian asked, hope evident in his tone.

Pulled out of his reverie, Hua Cheng smiled down softly at the older man. He pressed a kiss to his boyfriend’s temple before rearranging their position until Xie Lian was settled with his back cushioned against Hua Cheng’s chest. Hua Cheng looped his arms around Xie Lian’s waist, their worn-out clothes further wrinkling as two bodies mold together.

Xie Lian sighed in content. He wiggled in Hua Cheng’s hold for a few seconds–his little happy dance. Gazing back at the stretch of barren land, Xie Lian quietly spoke up, voice a little strained.

“San Lang, can I ask you something?”

Hua Cheng channeled all his energy to hearing Xie Lian’s words and feeling his solid form weigh comfortingly upon his heart.

“Gege can ask me anything.”

If it were physically possible, Hua Cheng would never let him go.

***

Hua Cheng feels himself being shoved out of the way before he hears the piercing, nonhuman screech of an infected. He barely catches himself on his hands and knees, blood pumping through his veins like shards of ice.

“Shit!” Mu Qing curses up ahead, having turned around where he was leading the two other men. He whips his gun out and aims to shoot the creature, but Hua Cheng is quicker.

Hua Cheng leaps up from the ground and sprints to where Xie Lian wrestles with a two-headed, green-skinned mutant, foaming at both mouths as it pins Xie Lian down. Xie Lian grunts as he repeatedly stabs the infected in the chest, neck, and face, but the monster doesn't show any signs of backing off.

Using the momentum from his powerful steps, Hua Cheng draws his dominant leg back. Xie Lian freezes, sensing the impending attack. Hua Cheng puts all his strength into that one goodman kick, sending one of the heads flying a couple of meters away. He then shoves the creature off of Xie Lian, smashing his foot down on its skull.

Stomp! Stomp! STOMP!

Black liquid gushes out of the creature’s ears, nose and mouth. For every attempt it tries to fight back, Hua Cheng delivers another blow, this time to its deformed body that is a result of the Hellish disease. The sounds of bones cracking and flesh squishing do not deter him. Neither do the cries of pain. If anything, it infuriates Hua Cheng even more.

He does not hear the faint shout of “San Lang!” from his worried lover.

STOMP! POW! CRACK!

When the second head separates from the body, Hua Cheng merely grits his teeth, hands closing into rock-hard fists. The concave head wobbles pitifully in the dirt. Satisfaction burns in Hua Cheng’s gut.

Until he spots splotches of scarlet where the monster’s mouth had fallen open.

Fuck.

Hua Cheng spins on his heel to run to Xie Lian’s side. However, Mu Qing has already helped Xie Lian up, now supporting the other man as they enter an abandoned convenience store a street away.

Hua Cheng follows after, running the fastest he’s ever run in his life.

His heart threatens to burst open his numb, worthless chest.

***

“No.”

Xie Lian noticeably tensed in between Hua Cheng’s legs. Hua Cheng never told him no unless it was something that jeopardized his safety. But this wasn’t a potentially risky plan Xie Lian brought up.

It was the worst-case scenario.

“We are not discussing this right now,” Hua Cheng growled out.

“If not now, then when?” Xie Lian questioned, a bit exasperated but not surprised by the reaction. Behind him, Hua Cheng doesn’t say anything, but his nose brushed along Xie Lian’s hair as he shook head in objection.

“San Lang, please, just listen-” Xie Lian insisted, grabbing onto Hua Cheng’s wrist. The bold, red lines of his tattoo of Xie Lian’s name scream at him to stop. “We should be prepared for this-”

“Gege-”

“-because there’s no guarantee that it won’t happen.”

“Like Hell I would even let it happen,” Hua Cheng snarled with a certain nastiness Xie Lian didn’t hear often. While it was not entirely directed at him, Xie Lian couldn’t help but be upset that he had dampened the mood and worked his boyfriend up regardless.

Xie Lian frowned as he looked over his shoulder. Though he hated the possibility, he seriously needed Hua Cheng’s confirmation on this matter. Said man wouldn’t meet his eye, choosing to bury his face into the older man’s neck instead.

“San Lang…”

“Xie Lian…”

Xie Lian abruptly exhaled a hot breath of air, not wanting to drag this out any longer. With a lump the size of a golf ball lodged in his throat, Xie Lian resolutely repeated his request.

“Please, San Lang. Promise me this.”

Hua Cheng hugged Xie Lian tighter.

“If I get bitten, I want you to kill me. Kill me before I turn.”

[mrsunderhill678]

Ya girl’s writttttinnnnn’

“My name is written in storm clouds and rainy days, I am the lightning licking the waves and the storm pursuin' the fucking sailor.” - Zafavri Holts

“Look at the truth, how it molds and twists, in this long life I've lived I've learned truth kills the kindest 'a men. You thought lies were damning? Just wait until you see the truth that slinks in the damn shadows.” - Zafavri Holts

“You've heard of Jack the Ripper, Ted Bundy and the Axeman of New Orleans, and you'd think the scariest thing about em would be their killer deeds. But the most horrifyin' thing about the darkest 'a men is, they were once normal, men. They was kids, playin' in the grass, fools runnin' after girls in the fifth grade, dreamin' of sunny days and sunflowers castin' beautiful shade.” - Zafavri Holts

“Your power is in words and hearts, mine is in blood and howls.” - Zafavri Holts

“I was once, just like you, dreamin' of better days, smilin' as my wife walked through the door, tuckin' my kids inta their beds. But the truth took the good man I was in it's stride, and replaced me with a sinister specter 'a all the killers before me. I am Jack the Ripper and Ted Bundy, the Zodiac Killer and the Axeman of New Orleans, but worst of all, I'm Zafavri fucking Holts.” - Zafavri Holts

“My father once said he's one dead dream away from blasphemy, and with a life of screeching dreams and dying nightmares I must confess, I fear I myself am blasphemy.” - Polaris Cougar

“I lost my mind in the confines of my skull.” - Barlo Brick

“I spin this chamber 'gainst my head and wonder why it ain't gone off. Perhaps fate holds her finger against the hammer, daring me to make a move against her.” - Barlo Brick

“I play games with my life, rolling these dice, playing these shitty cards as if they were a good hand. I'm an addict of fate and destiny, playing moves against her so she'll play fatal moves against me. I tease fate with promises of my doom, praying she'll take a lowlife like me.” - Barlo Brick

“I'm a reflection of my father's sins, drowning myself in the lights of the casino.” - Barlo Brick

“I walk, I talk, I breathe like me, but I ain't me.” - Tommy Graves

“Me father once told me, that if ya've got a board full 'a pawns, and the foe's board is full 'a kings, you play a tricky game of Queen's Gambit.” - Tommy Graves

“I'd say I've made friends with my demons, but they've made friends with me shadows, leavin' me an outcast in my own damn mind.” - Tommy Graves

“I'm startin' ta fear that all my thoughts are all my friends, and I'm me only enemy.” - Tommy Graves

“If my mother could see me now, she'd shake 'er damn 'ead. She'd say, "Tommy, with thoughts like these, you'll end up yer last damn name." - Tommy Graves

“Even when you don't seek it, destiny shall arrive all the same.” - Baron Xaverkit

“Karma rewards those who love with destines of joy and valor. Be more than a resistance against the dark, be a war of light and joy, love and heartful karma. Be the blade that spares the king, be the coin that sets the hangman free, and be the man who when stricken by his enemy, offers the other side of his cheek. You shall know no greater joy, other than loving others as life has loved you.” - Baron Xaverkit

“I am a mere flicker of a wolf, an ember of a beast. I am the cold afterglow of the beasts that made me, and thus, I am nuthin' but cinder and the pale spark, strivin' for the darkness 'a the night sky.” - D’Angello Campbell

“Look at these stars gazin' at me, some will for me ta reach em, others gather their rifles and prepare for war.” - D’Angello Campbell

“As I stare my enemies dead in the eye, and watch their smiles flicker like old film, I realize it is a mirror I stand before. Those are my hands grippin' the porcelain sink, and I wonder where the blood drippin' from the faucet came from.” - D’Angello Campbell

“My son has stared me in the eye and declared me the devil, he looks at me with rage in his eyes, the same betrayal the lord must'a felt as the devil swore ta rise above him.” - D’Angello Campbell

“This flicker of a wolf is slowly learnin' how ta fade.” - D’Angello Campbell

“In the hollow cracks of my smile I have found regret so deeply interwoven with my heart that it flows as blood through my veins.” - Bellamy Cooper

“I lie awake in bed, reaching for memories that are not there. Regina, my love, she tasted like home and everything I'd never had... I saw so much when I looked at her... I saw a sheet of twinkling stars, the sun bringing warmth... But most beautifully, I saw that woman dancing under the light of the moon, as if she was drunk off it's pale glow, enjoying the way the world spun. But I don't dance any more, I don't hold her hand in mine, she does not hold my scars. Fate has torn us from each other, and though every night, we star up at the same moon, I have to wonder, do the stars look at the same people?” - Bellamy Cooper

“The stars may gaze upon me and wonder, oh bastard dove in the pale moon glow, who have you become?” - Bellamy Cooper

“I carry this sin on my shoulders as if it was a part of me, as if it was the flecks of white in my hair and the love that once wept in my smile. But these sins were never apart of me, just things I did.” - Bellamy Cooper

“As my love looks to the moon, and knows it is the same moon I gaze upon, I hope she knows, it does not gaze upon the same man.” - Bellamy Cooper

“All my enemies were first my heroes.” - Paviro Le Rouge

“I could murder a drink for all these sins at my back, they've weaved themselves into the fabric of my coat, and though the devil on my shoulder is nothing more than stitches on my jacket, I listen to the whispers of the damned man upon this sinner's coat.” - Paviro Le Rouge

“All the candles have flickered out, the wind ripped the flame from the candle's wick, leaving nothing but the wax to remember the warmth of the flame.” - Paviro Le Rouge

“I once believed my heart held value, but it is my belief that it's only value is the ending of it's beat.” - Paviro Le Rouge

“Do the gods wish to serve me to fate on a silver platter? Am I a toy to destiny? I am a mortal vessel of higher powers, these whispers in my head tell me, "You will defy destiny, she will crawl at your knees and weep," but what of my, destiny? How can I defy destiny yet follow her road?” - Paviro Le Rouge

“To defy destiny is to succumb to eternity.” - Paviro Le Rouge

“A man once asked me, if I ever thought that I'm not myself, that to die would be to finally be me. And I must confess, if the void were to take me now, I'd find peace in that.” - Howdy Woolen

“Everyone thinks they know me better than I do, but if they spent one day in my mind they'd scream, shout and beg that someone would let them out.” - Howdy Woolen

“My demons share my name and my face, but with those crooked smiles, how could they possibly be me?” - Howdy Woolen

“I look to this ash around me, these scorched dreams and ashen nightmares, and I beg my father to forgive me. But how can he forgive me for killing his own son?” - Howdy Woolen

“Chaos is fair in da fact dat it kills all.” - Aggemuth Williamson

“God knelt ta me level and told me dat all men were created equal, in da fact dat all men die.” - Aggemuth Williamson

“Death cares not for who we are, it don't give a bloody fuck whether you're youn' or old, it'll rip through ya and call ye alive.” - Aggemuth Williamson

“I am a wicked wolf who knows chaos is da forest in which I strive. Dese shadows are death, da light flickerin' from da trees is nuffin' but false salvation, for just above da trees lies a wicked beast. Red rain falls from da forest leaves, remindin' us dat in chaos' forest, we are all nuffin' but blood to be spilled and graves ta be fuckin' dug.” - Aggemuth Williamson

“Eden only 'eld me down, da snake in da garden was me, I was da forbidden fruit, I was Eve and Adam. But most wicked 'a all, I am da heavenly father that placed secrets in paradise, and damned innocent men for the fings I did.” - Aggemuth Williamson

“Blood and death for peace will never be true order. We live a lie, believing hate can drive out hate.” - Shaymelina Demablossom

“I am willing to walk a mile in a bad man's boots if it meant I could see the world through his eyes.” - Shaymelina Demablossom

“ We are not creatures of blood and death, we are butterflies soon to soar, cats playing curiously in the field. We are dogs, chasing the cat because we think it wants to play.” - Shaymelina Demablossom

“Evil comes from brokenness, but so does strength, so why choose cruelty?” - Shaymelina Demablossom

“I am a reflection of my enemies, a sinful projection of my fucking vengeance. As I stand before heaven's gates, all that shall be left are three corpses on the floor and two empty fucking six shooters. After all, an empty chamber and blood pooling beneath my feet is the sinful mark of revenge.” - Jake Warden

“This heart beating in my chest is no symbol of love, tear into my ribs and you'll find the pitch black night sky, for the moon crashed hurtling into the Earth, leaving nothing but vengeful stars, mourning for the home they lost.” - Jake Warden

“My sister told me to rebuild my bridges, but how am I to do that when I leave nothing but fire in my wake? I only seek for those behind me to crumble on the ashen bridge. May they follow my footsteps, only to drown in the roaring river below the bridges I fucking burnt.” - Jake Warden

“Oh Roan fucking Scorpio, you are a beast amongst men, a wicked werewolf, but so am I, so am I. My fur has grown more ragged than yours, my coat more blood-stained than yours, yet still I seek this damning vengeance. You are a wolf of family and love, yet I howl of loss. I could drag you through the dark, and still, you'd fight for something less than yourself.” - Jake Warden

“My hands tremble 'pon a dead man's gun, and as I stare down the barrel 'a this rifle, I fear it's me I'm aimin' at. I see them burnin' wings, I recognize them howls as he falls hellbent through the midnight sky, cuz they came from my own fuckin' throat. But all I do is take aim, breathe in, breathe out, and shoot this fallin' angel from the damn sky.” - Roan Scorpio

“My oldest frien' always did say he was Icarus, I wonder if he found solace as he burned? We were both wolves in the field, strappin' wings to our backs, dreamin' 'a sumthin' greater.” - Roan Scorpio

“I'm a child 'a the streets and a warrior 'a the highways, cuz I stalk these forests, boundin' cross the road in hopes the cars will catch me, sendin' me blood-streaked across the damn grass.” - Roan Scorpio

“It's a big world out there, ya got sinners by the dozen and dwindlin' saints, but I spose I'm somewhere between that spectrum.” - Roan Scorpio

“Vengeance kills most men before they evah gain it.” - Roan Scorpio

“I know what it is to be a sheep, there were once pain in my name and tears in my smile, but as I looked through the eyes of me father, and saw his reflection in me own, I learned always was I a wolf, swindled in a sheep's soft fur.” - Bodean Clemegrine

“All who have been within the scope of my rifle have fell in spurts of crimson salvation.” - Bodean Clemegrine

“In death there is mercy, and in mercy there is death.” - Bodean Clemegrine

“If you've known fear, than you've known me, friend. For I carve myself into your darkest memories, and every thought of me shall be followed with shivers up your spine and cracks in your smile.” - Bodean Clemegrine

“I am the wolf in Shepperd's clothing.” - Bodean Clemegrine

“I've learned that monsters don't hide these days, they've too much courage for our own good.” - Terissa Dyste

“My husband wanted me to waste my hate on him, to rot away every moment of my day with crooked thoughts of his haunted bay.” - Terissa Dyste

“I can see regret in my angel's eyes, death flickers in his smile, and blood hides within the cracks of his heart. But I am here to fill them with love.” - Terissa Dyste

“Salvatore is no bloodthirsty beast, he is no wolf, he's the sheep with a heart too large for a single man to handle. He cares so deeply for others, that he would sacrifice himself to rid them of the pain they've been through. He causes his own pain to save others from it. He is no reflection of those he's killed, for they are bad men, and he is the knight in rusted armor, who has had his metal and valor tested again and again.” - Terissa Dyste

“I love him, despite the pieces of himself he calls ugly, I will twirl them between my fingers and call them lovely.” - Terissa Dyste

“I shall not suffer, I shall grow.” - Terissa Dyste

“You know, my brother once told me, in all his grief, that every time he closes his eyes, he can see the flickering of the fire and the sparks of regret, but I told him, that's just his bridges burning.” - Kindle Xaverthin

“We can't dwell on the past, it's where all our pain comes from, but if we push forward into the unknown, we'll find ourselves in bliss, for if we don't finish the race, how do we ever win? It doesn't matter what place we finish at, just that we do.” - Kindle Xaverthin

“I will follow the road less traveled if that's what it takes, but when needed, I will follow the populated road. I will walk in the crowds and find my purpose in the many.” - Kindle Xaverthin

“I refuse to believe that failure exists. Just temporary defeat. So long as we fight, so long as we strive for something greater, we'll survive. I don't care if your goal is to simply breathe another day or to get out of bed in the morning. That in of itself is strength. Set small goals and conquer them, and as time goes on, you'll realize you scaled Everest inch by inch, without breaking a sweat.” - Kindle Xaverthin

“My grief is a hungry wolf, prowling in my mind, dragging the good memories I had through the dark, ensnaring them in his bloodthirsty maw.” - Markain Hallows

“Turn your heart to the trail behind me, and realize they are lost prayers and dying verses. Behind me is a melody of the damned, and ahead of me is the end of it.” - Markain Hallows

“No wolf dragged me off in it's jaw, no beast took me in it's maw, for it was I who looked in the mirror and reaped all he saw.” - Markain Hallows

“I travel through the night sky like a regretful midnight dove, my feather's have been stained the color the of night I prowl.” - Markain Hallows

“You ever flip a coin and watch in horror as it lands on fate?” - Crow Abervith

“Fate has been controlled by the powerful, and though the lord tries to send a message to you and I, those in power turn it into a threat.” - Crow Abervith

“The dogs have been set free from the pound, and though they barked their warnings and bared their teeth, the wolves howled and left their blood to run on the streets.” - Crow Abervith

“The world is fading out, shouting it's final words, and all we can do is picture it's grave.” - Crow Abervith

“What is life but old wallpaper, resold and refurbished, sold as a chipped away dream?” - Shurrick Gray

“I can't stand these roses on the path, cause I'm a pessimist, I can only look at all those damn thorns.” - Shurrick Gray

“Secrets are barrels of guns and chambers, and I suppose the powerful pull the damn trigger.” - Shurrick Gray

“They tell us to think five moves ahead whilst they think ten. They tell us to charge into the smoke, for the battleground is clear, but this smog only ever hid our foes.” - Shurrick Gray

“My mother always told me, "It gets better, son, it gets better," But under these floorboards are where my memories linger, and in these halls are thoughts of home that force tears from my eyes.” - Shurrick Gray

“Look at me, selling my life as a chipped away dream, telling myself it gets better. But it doesn't, because the lights have kicked the stool, and this dream swings from a noose in the spotlight.” - Shurrick Gray

“I’ve spent my life with one foot in the grave. Life is a cruel and relentless teacher, whipping me upon every failure, demanding I give it my all.” - Juno

“My father was, everything to me... Really. He gave me the patience to find myself, he held my hand through the path and when needed... He let go. He's the strongest man I've ever known, he was the pillars to this castle I roam, and without him, I feel as if I am crumbling.” - Juno

“I am the damned savior of the human race, a hero who realized he was a villain all along.” - Cedric Popovici

“I 'ave been exiled from myself, I rattle the bars 'a this cell, shoutin' at the guards to let me the fuck out. But it's me guardin' this cell, I'm my own damn Alcatraz, and as I look at the world through diamond eyes I realize, I ain't the hero, just the terror who called himself such.” - Cedric Popovici

“The way I see it, I shook hands with the devil ta rid the world of a devil, only to realize it's my hand I were shakin.” - Cedric Popovici

“Every night 'a my life I see angels fall from the sky, and as the sun sinks I pray it takes me in her stride.” - Cedric Popovici

“The executioner raises his blade and said, "When I raise this sword, so I wish this poor sinner eternal life." And as my head rolled from my neck, I realized I could blink, I could breathe, I could feel.” - Cedric Popovici

“The remnants 'a my soldier's cape flutters behind me, and it only stays on my shoulders cuz I hold a gun and pull a trigger. I wear this purple heart on my jacket, and I spose the only reason that bastard's purple is cuz'a the bruises I put there. We're all sheep, I's learned, eatin' from the dryer side 'a the pasture.” - Cedric Popovici

“I don't need a million dreams, just this one.” - Maliella Ryder

“Loife 'as beaten me down and shouted ta the 'eavens, "Allelujah! Da bastard's dead!" But as I stand, and raise moi fists, loife sighs, and prepares for anotha round.” - Billy Jenkins

“I dun't look back at failure, mate, I look forward at da success dat will rise from it.” - Billy Jenkins

“I stand by and protect me sister, she's been through a struggle 'a da mind and soul, and I reckon it's da battle fought wifout guns dat 'urt da most. She's strong, fo' bein' 'erself, and I reckon ta be yerself in a world full'a liars is da greatest achievement 'a all.” - Billy Jenkins

“I hold onta my ma's words, cause some days, I see her smoile in mine.” - Billy Jenkins

“Da sun will rise again, wif or wifout me, I cannot tell, but so long as it rises, I bloody smile.” - Billy Jenkins

“I check my vitals and find my heart still beats, and some days... I think that's unfortunate. My secrets will be buried below me, bury me six feet deep, my secrets deeper.” - Laverne Powell

“It's hard to get well when your mind poisons you with thoughts from years ago. Some days I fear my mind is still plagued by those damning thoughts.” - Laverne Powell

“If the past effects the future, then I fear what's to come.” - Laverne Powell

“Either I'm a broken saint, or a very bad man.” - Chad Broker

“I've let go of all I am, wonderin' why, oh why must I be the outcast, the hissin' cat in a room full 'a barkin', hungry dogs?” - Chad Broker

“I'd shatter the mirror with my fist ta kill my damn reflection. Fractures 'a me splittin' my knuckles and breakin' my bones.” - Chad Broker

“I stare at the waves and know they slip away just like me. I stand in this murky sand, watchin as the ripplin' water distorts my vision. Always looks like you're runnin' as ya stand in the ocean, but ya stay stagnant, don't you? I fear I'm damned, runnin' in the ocean, knowin' the hellhounds will catch me cuz I stand still.” - Chad Broker

“Jerome's always said he's my shadow, where once he was my light. He's just a lost boy, and I'm a broken one, and once ya mix the two togethah, ya don't get a man found, ya get broken glass, mixin' itself inta the sand.” - Chad Broker

“The mirror ain't nuthin' but a reflection 'a trouble comin' and my sins in the wind.” - Chad Broker

“I'm a freakshow, who made it ta heaven only ta realize ta higher powers I'm the damn jester.” - Chad Broker

“I live in the trenches, fighting for a better life, but those I love hurtle grenades and flashbangs into this broken soldier's trench, throwing fractured pieces of self hate and tainted love into my chest.” - Saiq A’Badula

“Beauty flees from war, the grass withers, the flowers die, and the birds forget to sing. Instead, the beauty of nature is replaced with our unnatural acts.” - Saiq A’Badula

“They tell me "You're a soldier, boy, weren't you taught how to march on?" All I can do is nod my head, but I was only ever taught to march into the pain, not away from it.” - Saiq A’Badula

“I am a soldier buried alive under the rubble of his soft spoken regrets and wrongly placed anger. Flowers will bloom from this damned soldier's grave, and it leaves me to wonder, is it when I die I'll finally know beauty? Will I find love in the rising of the roses and the daisies? And I wonder, is death a cruel force? Or is she a kind mistress, taking our hand and leading us to peace?” - Saiq A’Badula

“In my presence, the birds forget to sing, the sun forgets to rise. I am the dark that allows the light to exist, I am the shiver up your spine that whispers, "Run, I am the dark." Look at these pitiful gods, thinking they have me enslaved. They bind me but do not control me. I am seen as a children's story, a warning to be good, but as they speak of me I grow stronger, my strength comes from their fear and the shadows that frighten them out of sleep.” - Kragikul

“Long ago, Life told me this world was not meant for the dark, if that was so, then tell me, pitiful goddess, why do the stars shine? Why do you find refuge in the shade when the sun bares down, but fear it at night? Am I the defining factor of your fear?” - Kragikul

“I prowl this shade, I hear every prayer, every thought, I reside in saint's dreams and sinner's nightmares, I am the beast that monster's warn their children of. Have you ever seen the dark flee? As the sun rises it scurries, and if the monsters fear me, does that make me the light?” - Kragikul

“I am the original sin, the gods look upon me in sinking horror as they realize, peace is fading. My chains grow rust, these vines around me slowly wither, and all the dark has begun to flee.” - Kragikul

“You want peace? It cannot exist with violence such as I.” - Kragikul

“Life ain't gonna break me down, I'm a ramblin' man who finds peace in the dusty fields 'a wheat and crop. I live true and loyal like they used ta, the world may'a crashed down 'pon us, and most men may'a turned ta sin, but these morals 'a mine stand strong in the face 'a damnation.” - Timmy Dayfield

“We all one day find ourselves at a crossroads, and the devil tells us ta shake his hand. It's your choice ta stand unshaken or shake the hand 'a the man in the suit and tie. Cause the devil ain't a creature with pointy lil' horns and a pitchfork. He looks like you, frien', he looks like me, and everythin' you ever wanted. But are yer dreams worth the killin' 'a your morals?” - Timmy Dayfield

“I've walked many a mile in these boots 'a mine, and I've walked in the boots 'a others. When ya see the world through another man's eyes, you'll either see that you're right, or you owe the man an apology.” - Timmy Dayfield

“To all the other wayfarin' strangers out there, findin' themselves at the crossroads, I say. May the wind be at your back, may good fortune touch your hand, and may your resolve stay strong in the face of the shake of a hand.” - Timmy Dayfield

“Time isn't my lover, it isn't my friend, it kills me slowly and drags this life of mine through miles of tragedy ending secrets.” - Evangalice Caesar

“I can still see him in my nightmares, he is a conqueror of time and has bent it to his will. It refuses to take him, for he sits upon a throne of humanity's end.” - Evangalice Caesar

“I'm driven by this hate for beasts I cannot possibly kill, I'm mortal, time eats away at me, but it does not eat away at him.” - Evangalice Caesar

“I can hear his laugh by the light of the moon, I can hear is hauntings and warnings in my sleep. My worst fear is not death, it is the sinful beast, dancing in the light of our suffering. He looks at our pain, he looks at these flames ravaging us, and he calls it beautiful.” - Evangalice Caesar

“I will go up in flames and down in history, for my dynasty shall live beyond me.” - Madusius Crudellis

“Tyranny stands strong in the face of revolution.” - Madusius Crudellis

“These men and women killed are a part of my history, in my memory they are immortal, begging for mercy I don't know how to give.” - Madusius Crudellis

“In the thunder I can hear my dynasty, it is it's own entity. It howls and it barks, it rips into all who oppose it. A blood thirsty wolf, my dynasty is.” - Madusius Crudellis

“I, in of myself, am a dynasty, I am of bones-soon-to-be-broken, and flesh-soon-to-be-cut, it is my mortality that shall create my immortality.” - Madusius Crudellis

“I shall go down in history by force.” - Madusius Crudellis

“Darkness was a concept created before God, even he must bow to it.” - Deandra Cross

“My dreams have died to spite me, I am in a cell of nightmares, and the wolf I am stalks the corner. She's such a damned thing, I can see the rage in her eyes and the hurt in her soul, but to survive this world, I must become her. This wolf like mask must become me. I will stitch these threads into my skin until this mask becomes apart of me. I shall forget who I am underneath, for she was not strong enough to survive the world.” - Deandra Colt

“My sister once told me that the weak get by, the broken die off, but the strong survive and bring fear in their stride. And I guess in order ta survive I had ta be the one takin' lives in my stride.” - Hailey Colt

“All the lights that pollute the sky could not bring light ta the dark in my heart.” - Hailey Colt

“Your demons depend on you ta feed dem, so taunt dem and let dem starve on 'ope.” - Celeste Crinklaw

“Me feathers glow with love and rage, regret and joy, I'm a war cry 'a everyfin' I've evah been, and if loife's a war, give me a bloody blade, mate.” - Celeste Crinklaw

“In me dreams I see a pale white 'orse, 'e beckons me ta follow, tells me dat I can be born again, and everytoime I follow 'im, I see a face I've seen before. In dat pale 'orse's eyes I see someone I knew, but I can't place who. 'E beckons me toward da dark, tellin' me dat is where I belong, but I refuse ta rise from the ashes as sumfin' I ain't.” - Celeste Crinklaw

“I look ta dat pale 'orse in da 'orizon, all I ask, is, "Old frien', where's your rider?" A lonely horse, 'e is, da 'orse 'a my dreams, beckonin' me ta nightmares. 'E's lonesome, wearin' the remnants 'a his saddles and the remains 'a his scars on 'is hide. And all I ask, is where 'ave I seen 'im before?” - Celeste Crinklaw

"You cannot come to understand the depths of the world, you believe the shadows to be the darkest thing this world has to offer, but I have seen things darker than the nebula." - The Watcher

"I have seen things no man could ever dream, let along things that he would want to. All my life I have wished to be a hero, but it is gritty work, it drains away at the soul, and I must wonder how much of it I have left these days." - Ickden Harloff

"There are things in this world that we do not understand, sadly, they must be condemned for it is the dark from whence they came." - Ryan Sanzberg

"My vengeance is immortal, but sadly that must mean, as am I." - Warden Wickersford

"My hope left with the beatin' 'a my love's heart." - Travis Vekington

"When ya lose everythin', what're you supposed ta become?" - Travis Vekington

"Went through hell on a Sunday an' cursed the damn pews cause despite it all, they damn me." - King Wardown

"Cowardice kills people, I've learned, but alas, it keeps me alive." - Verez Vagawit

"You can throw me to the wolves, but I imagine I'll be alright. After all, they hunt to live and the blood on their teeth is of survival, not sport." - James Ace

"Most people can't change because they just don't God damn want to. You can't expect life to change if you don't evolve with it." - Darin Zollo

"I am losing myself, I fear. Faith and hope are hard to come by as your heart slowly falters to the shadow and forgets the warmth of light." - Shan'Bellwitz

"I wish to drift away from this place as nothing more than peace and smoke on the wind." - Shan'Bellron

"I was lost out at sea, trying to find me, but all I became was stranded, vying for something better, yet becoming sumthin' worse." - Ben Stilts “Every sinnin’ man fears the devil.” - Ben Stilts

"Scars leave us bettah or worse off. I reckon mine left me wif' glory." - Pugrish the Mountain

"What's belief without sumthin' to worship?" - Shonas Green

"Ya know what they do with broken men, Mortley? They put em all in this box, and they say, "This is all ya are, we ain't confinin' ya, we're just givin' ya a playground ta roam. But as we get older we realize the walls are sky high and they weren't built ta be fuckin' climbed." - Bortley Dekruiful

"It is in pain that we find a new identity, one which lives alongside the tears." - Mortley Dekruiful

"I'm not concerned about my importance to the world, just the fact that I lived in it, and that it was real." - Milton Modayne "My whole life has been screaming in a single pitch tune, yet I sit here and wonder, what point is there to a chorus when there was never a melody? I am plucking broken strings, expecting a soft song, but I suppose it's foolish, expecting music from a hurting soul." - Milton Modayne

"When you're born in the shade you begin to fall into the delusion that the light is something damning." - Natalia Shelvikit

"As humans we have an innate desire to feel something that is not ourselves, to be something other than we were meant to be. We have been trying to defy destiny for so long that we never thought to pick up the quill and write something other than fate within our lives. We seek to conquer destiny, yet it is what lies outside the realm of fate that we fear." - Ramazalo Shelvikit

"He who fights for himself migh' as well lay down his fists and le' the bullets rain down." - Gromkal Batterfist

"It's strange, how we damn those who fight for justice, but never they who we fight against." - Tovil Quinn

"Dreams are only a broken perception of reality, mate... And sometimes, we need ta wake da fuck up." - Jerry Benson

"Ze zing I fear ze most, iz zat death is ze end. And yet I know that it iz." - Thaddaeus Rediger

"Praying is not the solution to all burdens on the soul." - Jonathan Covaks

I's been carryin' a burden for some time now, you know 'ow crosses are heavy on the back, always pushin' ya back inta the graves ya try to dig, always findin' a new way to rip the skeletons from yer closet." - Mike Fausselkoff

"Sins, always catchin' us humans off guard. We tell ourselves we'll never be like Adam, we'll never be like Eve, but then that forbidden fruit comes along and we begin ta wonder. What does it taste like? We wrap ourselves up in all this curiosity, this wonder. We become our own snakes in our own little garden 'a Eden. Well, I spose that fruit came along." - Mike Fausselkoff

"Mr. Stilts, Mr. Skinwalker, karma is at your door." - Cortez Cloves

"A life of killing is better than a life of rotting." - Cortez Cloves

"If I were you, I would not tempt fate so cruelly. Fate is never in the one man's favor, it is always in the favor of the crowd, never he who flips the coin." - Borbasli Orgazi

[relapseblog]

Dear Father: A Letter I will Never be Able to Send...

I’m unsure how to begin this. I don’t know what words to use. I don’t think there is an adequate or befitting way to compose a thesis or introduction. However, I do have a vague notion of the thoughts I’d like to convey.

I am hurt. I’ve existed in a state of superposition for as long as I can remember; simultaneously occupying space in two separate but parallel realities. One is authentic, one that is insincere. Within the authentic reality I suffer perpetual agony. Within the insincere reality I function through enactment of a false display so skilled that I at times even fool myself, forgetting that my authentic reality is one typified by anguish. To a slightly lesser degree, this remains true today.

Since before I was even born the story of how I would come to exist in such a state was beginning to transpire. You abused my mother ever since the two of you first became associated until the day she took us and escaped from you. You once threw her onto a bed where my baby big brother lied, proceeding to wrap your hands around her throat asphyxiating her, whilst at the same time suffocating infant Trey under her body weight being forcefully pressed against him. You could’ve killed not only my mother, but your infant son as well. This is just one of many incidents of this kind that I’ve been told of. I am certain for each story of your iniquity I’ve been told there exists another three.

I don’t have detailed memories of the cruel torment you imposed on my mother. I have very few fractured memories of the vile things you said and did to her. what I do remember are the feelings of confusion, anger, helplessness, fear, and heartache. Feelings that I’ve carried with me my entire 25 years of life. Feelings so excruciating they placed me on a path of self-destruction where thrice I’ve attempted to kill myself, where I’ve wished for death innumerable times, where I’ve incalculably deliberated killing myself whilst writhing in tears and pain. Feelings that I wanted desperately to banish from my mind. At the tender age of 13 I became a heroin addict who would wish silently every time she stuck a needle in her veins that this would finally be the fatal shot she’d been waiting for. That this would finally be the shot that would end her lifelong torment she’d been subjected to.

It was also around this age I ceased believing in God. I did not believe that I would go to Heaven upon my death; I was not hoping to escape this world seeking refuge in a better place, I was hoping to be annihilated. To cease to exist. As though I’d never existed at all. I’d fantasize about my lifeless body going cold, then stiff, the bloating and changing colors, then beginning the process of decomposition until there would be no remaining trace of evidence that I was ever a living organism that existed on Earth. These thoughts strangely elicited a sense of comfort. But accompanying them were thoughts of how my mother and the rest of my family that loved me would feel. These thoughts were painful. Even more painful were the thoughts I’d have regarding you. I’d think to myself that if I were to die you would never even know, that if you did somehow find out you wouldn’t care because you don’t love me. The comforting images in my mind of my death did not stay comforting for very long before the accompanying thoughts made me feel worse than I previously had. Self-hatred ensued.

Before becoming a heroin addict often I’d dream of you at night. You’d come to where we lived in Iowa to visit me and Trey. Despite the fact she abhorred you and feared you my mother always graciously let you stay out your visit in our home so Trey and I could spend as much time with you as possible. You had missed us, you were happy to be with us, we were happy to be with you too. These dreams were extremely vivid. I would wake from my slumber, eagerly searching the house looking for you only to find that it was just a dream. This was very painful. I had variations of this dream at least twice weekly for four years. Eventually I stopped searching for you upon waking up, as I had accepted that it was merely a dream. Just as I had accepted that you didn’t give a fuck about me or Trey. I mean, you didn’t give a fuck about Aaron either; it was a bit narcissistic of me to believe that I was somehow any more important.

I’d always hated you for what you’d done to my mother; it’s unforgivable what you did to her, and she deserved none of the cruelty she suffered by your hands. For this, I have hated you all my life. I’ve also hated you because during my childhood in California and Illinois you never had a job, you never tried to help support our family, you were never a man. Rather you let my mother run the streets day and night committing illegal acts putting herself and our family in jeopardy because you were a lazy piece of shit. For these two things, I have always hated you. But it was during this time in my life, around age 13, that I started to hate you for what you did to me. Even thought I hated you for what you did to my mother and for what you did not do for our family I still loved and admired you. In my eyes you were strong, intelligent, wise. I loved you with the most unconditional love that anyone could ever have for another person. And you never came to see me. I just wanted to see you. To hug you. But you never came. I hate you so much for that. I loved you so much. No matter what you did wrong I always loved you. Despite my belief that you were evil I still loved you. But you didn’t love me. So, I buried it deep inside.

The first time I ever used heroin I felt brand new, reborn, like I had been recreated by this substance into someone I could never even have dreamed of being. I felt exalted. I felt warm. I felt happy. I felt safe. I felt loved. I felt serenity. Every ill thought and feeling instantly vanished. It felt as if I had been cleansed and anointed by the God I no longer believed in. There was no  more pain. I was unbound, infinite. As I continued to inject heroin into my veins day in and day out I found that I no longer had those painful dreams in which you loved me only to wake and be faced with the fact that you didn’t. For a while everything finally felt okay, better than okay. Exceedingly better than okay. Heroin comes to you as everything you could ever want to possess and own for yourself. But that’s the thing about heroin, you can’t own it, rather it owns you. I soon spiraled downward at an exponential rate and became slave to this cruel and beguiling master. i no longer had free will. My thoughts and actions were no longer mine. I now existed only to seek and use heroin. And I was still a child.

Injecting heroin every day, typically multiple times a day, continued until I was 19 years old. But I couldn’t live as a sober individual. I didn’t know how. Aside from the lifelong pain you inflicted upon me, now I had damaged my brain irreparably with heroin. Serotonin and dopamine were no longer being synthesized correctly in my brain, leaving me extremely depressed and angry all the time. I became violent like you. Moreover, the person I was at this point was someone I hated; someone I was ashamed of. I no longer recognized who I was. In my mind I was a filthy, immoral, lowlife scourge upon the Earth who had done nothing but degrade my own self and sadden, disappoint, and horrify my family to no end. I viewed myself as innately bad; I even went so far as to say to myself that I was evil. Because of the anger and rage I harbored I thought I was just like you. Which to me was the worst thing possible. I’d rather be like anyone, like anything, rather than be like you.

Even though I quit using heroin I continued to use methamphetamine and by the age of 23 I had relapsed on heroin too. Also at the age of 23 I got arrested for the first time. Then I was arrested again. And again. And again. The last time I was arrested I decided I needed to change. I was, and still currently am, in school studying criminal justice and psychology. Despite my deteriorated mental health, I always yearned to by successful. To graduate college, have a career, make my mother proud. I had spent half of my life putting her through a living Hell that I’ll never be able to comprehend. She has always felt that my addictions, my feelings of confusion, anger, helplessness, fear, and heartache, my wish for death, was all her fault. My wonderful mother whom I owe nothing less than everything believes that she has failed as a parent.I need to prove to her that she didn’t fail. If I succeed she will believe that she has succeeded. So, I quit using methamphetamine and I quit using heroin. My goal in life, my purpose for living, is to make her proud. To instate within her an overwhelming feeling of joy, success, and peace.

I have been clean and sober now for almost two year, though not without a couple of brief and minor lapses along the way, I am very proud of myself. I have not allowed these lapses to dishearten me or lead me to believe that the time I have managed to remain clean is null and void. I am affording myself grace. I am relearning how to live life. I have come to realize that I am not a bad, immoral, or evil person. I am simply a product of my upbringing which was less than favorable and of no fault of my own; though I also know that it is on me to become better, and that my past is not an excuse to continue to choose to be a bad person. I’ve come to realize that the circumstances of my birth and upbringing are not things that I can allow to define who I am and who I become. I’ve come to realize that my suffering is not in vain. I can help others who suffer as I have.

I am a heroin addict and a meth addict. This is something I must continue to manage and will continue to struggle with for the rest of my life. There is no cure for addiction. There is no cure for my bipolar disorder either. I am permanently afflicted, but I am not worthless, bad, immoral, or evil. I am a strong woman, but at the same time I am a very sad and broken little girl.

Last night (the other night at this point) I had that dream again for the first time in probably 12 years. I was little. Trey was little. Mother was gracious. You were with us. We were happy. I woke up wailing with tears streaming down my face as I placed my hands on top of my head and pulled my hair tight into my fists. All the painfully familiar confusion, anger, helplessness, fear, and heartache came flooding back. I wanted to run. I wanted to get high. I wanted to die. I wanted to disappear. I went to work that night at the emergency youth shelter here in Des Moines on overnight shift. All the boys on my unit were sound asleep throughout the entire night. I was alone in an eerily silent dimly lit room. I sat there a cried virtually all night because of you. Yet again, all the confusion, anger, helplessness, fear, and heartache resurfaced.

I don’t think these feelings, which are the product of being witness to the horrible things you did to my mother, will ever leave me. They are a permanent part of me. This is what you’ve given to me rather than love. Where your love was supposed to go, instead you have placed confusion, anger, helplessness, fear, and heartache. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with these things aside from using them to help others who feel similar things. But that still does not tell me what I am supposed to do with them when I dream of you, or when I am crying all alone for hours in pain because no matter how much I hate you I can’t unlove you. I wish I could. Living would be a lot easier if I could.

I used to view you as strong, intelligent, wise. I cannot say that this perspective has changed entirely. I will think that you are intelligent to a certain degree. My mother used to refer to you as a “smart dumb motherfucker.” To me this is an accurate statement. You’re intelligent, but mindless. I no longer view you as strong. You succumbed so easily to the vile and sordid influences of this world, being whisked away by them falsely thinking they somehow made you powerful. That they made people respect you. That they gave you control. Fact of the matter is that you were too weak to fight to retain your moral humanity, so you forfeited it. You had no power, respect, or control. You allowed the depravity of this world to control you thus becoming depraved yourself. Though I once thought you to be evil I never thought you to be ignorant to what a proper sense of morality was. I know you understand right from wrong, yet you could never summon the willpower to make the right decisions. Your trepidation of fear and lack of strength always prevailed.

In my eyes today you are a coward. You are a coward for your acts of violence and abuse toward my mother. You are a coward for being too ashamed to attempt to reconcile with the children you have forsaken. You are a coward for being too afraid to turn inward to fix whatever it is that’s inside of you that makes you so angry, calloused, and violent. To my dismay I am quite a bit like you. I’ve got your temper. I’ve got your rage. I had begun to become cold and calloused like you. I’ve got your propensity for violence. But the difference between me and you is this, I am no coward. I will admit that once I was afraid to turn inward and look at myself for who and what I was. I was afraid of what I would see. I was afraid of having to deal with the horrible things that I’ve done. I was afraid of having to relive moments from my past that I’d tried for so long to banish from my mind. Most of all, I was scared to think too critically about you. But none of this is true today. Unlike you, I am brave. Unlike you, I am strong enough to not allow this, at times, cruel world to corrupt me. Unlike you, I am not afraid of the pain associated with accountability and personal growth. I would much rather endure that pain than be forced to endure the pain of self-destruction. I would much rather endure that pain than become a monster who inflicts the pain I feel inside upon others.

I know that you were, and probably still are, in pain too. Hurt people hurt people. It isn’t an excuse for one’s shitty actions, it’s merely a fact. I no longer think that you are evil. At least not by some sort of malign nefarious nature. Any evil that exists within you is present not because you’re innately malevolent, rather it’s because you relinquished your control over the one and only thing you did have control over. Yourself. I can’t speculate much more than this about you. You’re a person shrouded in mystery and I think that I’ve finally accepted that I don’t have to fully comprehend the reasons for your actions and inactions.

I hate you. I love you. I hate myself for loving you, but I am learning to be gentle and kind with myself because regardless of anything you were my father. Regardless of how cruelly you treated my mother, regardless of your lack of ambition and failure to provide, and regardless of the fact that you abandoned me and Trey, for a short time when I was a small child you were an active and doting father to me. You made me feel like a beautiful and powerful princess in a world that does not readily subscribe beauty, power, nor prestige to black women and girls. You encouraged me in everything I did. You taught me many things that I carry with me to this day and will continue to carry with me for the rest of my life. This is the person I love unconditionally. The person that I’ve mourned the loss of for 16 long years who exists now only in my memory.

The person who victimized and tormented my mother for years without remorse as her two small children witness it crying a pleading that it stop, the person who failed to ever contribute to society and help provide for his children, the person who so easily cast his children aside, the person who seemed to delight in feeling evil. That person is not my father. That person is someone that I’ve had the grave misfortune of knowing. That person is someone that I’ve allowed to wreak havoc on my life for as long as I can remember. I don’t love that person. i abhor that person. That person is the exemplification of everything I never want to become. That person is who I fear every day that I will become because he is the reason for my anger, hostility, and predisposition for destruction and violence. That person is the cause of my greatest everlasting sorrow. That person is you.

For what you’ve done only God can forgive. If there is a God I pray that you find serenity and peace that you’ve never known on Earth. If God doesn’t exist and annihilation follows our death, then I hope that you somehow manage to make peace with yourself before death. I know pain, and it is not something anyone should have to carry with them to the grave. Not even you, Arcell.

[ragazzin0ferr1s-blog]

The neglect and hypocrisy and back stabbing and sabotage is getting really old.

I'm tired of feeling trapped and having everything held over my head, even as simple as asking for a pack of $3 socks from the store. If you buy it, you use it as another control tactic, you guilt me and paint me out like an ungrateful burden and/or freak to society.

The way you've raised me has been so unbelievably dysfunctional that I can't even handle small conflicts without immediately breaking down into uncontrollable tears, afraid of another's reaction or consequence because you scare me so badly. I can't even cope with small issues or internal problems without feeling useless and as if I need to seek someone else's word of approval. I can't even find satisfaction in a partners company without still yielding a huge void for more compassion and more attention because it was left out my entire life.

I only feel terror.

I only feel weakness and vulnerability and incompetence. I only feel distrust and animosity and pain and hatred.

I'll never feel appreciated. I'll never feel respected. I'll never feel equal or even HUMAN by you. I'll never be able to naturally and habitually portray honesty because of the astronomical amount of fucking lies I had to hide in from you. The deceit you felt was only because you'd never allow me to have a normal life. You'd never show me trust or show the world around me trust.

You'd never let me have friends, and if I did, they were "horrible people" or "just small town trash" and I couldn't see them outside of school anyways.

If I snuck out you'd punish me in ways UNHEARD of and even when I wouldn't sneak out. Even when I'd stand my ground when you were wrong, when I'd defend my word and RIGHT to fair punishment or judgement.

I am terrified of disagreement because of the way you'd lash out. The hands you'd raise, the tools you'd sling, the body you'd throw, the words you'd scream.......

I'm terrified of the world because I haven't been taught to live in it. I've been taught to be afraid of the woman in charge and cower at her feet. I've been taught that I'm 100% ALWAYS wrong and to try and change that is a MISTAKE. I've been taught that asking for things is a bad idea because it'll eventually be held over my head and possessed in vain.

I've been shown that even necessities are a burden when it comes to me. That something like a family dinner can be turned into a nightmare that I never want to experience again. That something like a vacation can be the worst week in the whole year. That something like encouraging my sibling to clean their room isn't my place (when you don't take the responsibility upon yourself to do ANYTHING to raise your other kids, I do). That people are terrible until they've proven themselves to you and even then, "they're still probably just deadbeat lowlifes that you shouldn't hang around". That there's no such thing as forgiveness and no such thing as learning from YOUR mistakes whilst not letting me make my own.

That compassion doesn't fucking exist. That mental illness is SO real. That denial is devastating. That growing up in such horrid conditions turns one into someone they hate and they wish every day of their life they could disappear because something will set you off and they'll be the target.

That being a daughter and expecting to have a mother you can look up to or have on your side is just completely illogical.

H

[the-awoken-crusader-blog]

The Prisoner

Those who desire for peace...are known to go great lengths in order to achieve it, even going against their own policies.

A peaceful King could be angered that his neighbors are in constant conflict, that they don’t set aside their differences to live in harmony. So he sets aside his beliefs and goes to war, intending to strike down all of his neighbors and bring them under his control. He would create a forceful peace, ruling with an iron fist in order to prevent anymore conflict.

And yet...there is also the opposite, where one’s desire for peace is so strong that they avoid conflict at all cost.

Why is it one desires for peace?

Conflict creates violence, violence creates pain, and pain creates death.

It is understandable why one wants to avoid conflict, for it often brings strife. But what if that is...not the main reason why they desire peace?

Is there something they’re hiding? A power that they don’t wish to reveal, that conflict brings out the worst of them? Is that why they desire peace, in order to preserve the lives of those around them?

...

It is said...that those who desire peace the most...

...are capable of causing the most destruction...

...

[PoV: Baborachi]

[Location: The road outside his hometown]

Fifteen years ago...

The sky crackles with a boom of thunder as the storm moves in, already the droplets have begun their shower upon the earth.

I’m on my knees, despite a Machoke’s body being resilient...my injuries are severe and my knuckles bloody. A deep wound in in my abdomen leaks a crimson stream of blood, the red liquid mixing in with the rainwater in the dirt.

My eyes are clenched shut, despite the injuries...I don’t feel any pain as images flash in my mind.

...

“You can’t let them pick on you, Baborachi!” The Kirlia growls, stomping her foot in anger. “If you don’t fight back, it’ll just get worse and worse!”

I let out a sigh, avoiding her gaze. “Fighting won’t prove anything, it’ll make me no better than them.” I mumble under my breath.

I feel her suddenly take my hand, turning me so that I’m forced to look at her. “Babs...” She says to me, looking at me with concern. “I know you dislike fighting, but they won’t leave you alone otherwise! They’re gonna follow through with their threats of jumping you if you don’t stand up for yourself!”

I don’t respond to this, in which she lets out a sigh of her own. “I know their words are really bothering you, Babs. And it’s really...pissing me off, if you won’t stand for yourself...then I’ll do it.”

My eyes widen as I quickly shake my head. “N-No! You don’t need to get involved! I-I’ll do it, j-just...don’t...” I clench my eyes shut and shake my head. “Annie, your family must be wondering why you’re not back from school. So...you should head home.”

...

I slowly open my eyes, my blurry gaze turning to the bodies scattered around me.

...

“Now look what we got here!” The Braixen laughs haughtily, approaching Annie and I with four other Pokemon in tow. “It’s the pansy orphan and the cucumber bitch!”

I couldn’t help but flinch at what he called me, the words striking deep like a knife. Annie clenches her hands and takes a brave step towards, looking angered. “Fuck off Cooper.” The Kirlia hisses, spitting on the ground before the five Pokemon.

The Braixen narrows his eyes. “Now that’s not how lowlifes should treat their superiors.” A wicked smile forms on his lips. “And you know those threats we’ve been saying? Look around you, this is an empty road...”

I feel my blood freeze upon hearing this, since this road towards Annie’s house is known to be empty at this time of day. And with the thunderclouds coming in, no one is gonna be out and about.

“Hey look, the Orphan has the right idea!” A Pawniard crows, pointing at my shaking body.

Annie growls and takes another step forward, despite the fact that we’re both outnumbered...she’s not intimidated in the least. “Alright you fucks, if you think we’re just gonna let you walk over us...think again.” She glances back at me, flashing a confident smile. “Baborachi and I can take you all on, right Babs?”

Cooper lets out a loud laugh. “You and him? You must be joking! That pansy couldn’t lift a finger to fight back even if he tried!” His eyes narrow further, his wicked grin widening.

I stay silent, Annie’s confident smile weakening when I don’t respond to her.

...

They were bullies, they were terrible...but they didn’t deserve their deaths...

I...didn’t mean for this to happen...

...

“BABORACHI, DO SOMETHING!” Annie cries as the Gurdurr holds her down while the rest of the Pokemon proceed to beat her, despite her strength...she got easily overpowered due to her being outnumbered.

All I did was stand frozen, watching the scene unfold in terror.

“See? The pansy can’t lift a finger!” Cooper cackles, watching the beating with sick satisfaction. “You better know your place from now on after this, or else we’re gonna keep on doing this over and over again!”

Watching my closest friend being beaten...it stirred something in the back of my mind, something that I greatly feared. The more I watched, the more it began to awaken...

The Braixen turns to me, a smirk on his face. “And once we’re done with her, the orphan is next.”

I couldn’t hold it back any longer, I felt my control over my body slipping away as something more primal took the reins.

I couldn’t help but watch helplessly, now a prisoner in my own body. My expression darkens before I let out a massive, bestial roar. My body charges at them, my fists clenched into fists.

...They never expected it...

...

The sky flashes again as lightning arcs through the clouds, illuminating the six bodies.

The Braixen’s body is brutally beaten, his stick broken in two and the bones in his limbs shattered.

The Pawniard, head caved in from the relentless assault.

The Gurdurr, his head cracked open from his own steel beam.

The Tyrogue, his chest smashed and his neck twisted in a way that should never be.

The Luxio, his tail ripped off and his jaw missing.

And the Kirlia...

My friend...

...

With Machokes already being naturally powerful, the combination of my body’s merciless and brutal actions have turned me into a...monster. The bullies are trying to fight for their lives, but already I have killed all but the Gurdurr and the Pawniard.

With fear in his eyes the Gurdurr takes a mad swing with his steel beam, but my body easily catches it. Its powerful arms wrenches the weapon out of the Gurdurr’s grip.

“P-PLEASE! D-” He cries as he takes a step back, but my body doesn’t even let him finish.

It swings the metal beam, a sickening crunch filling the air as his head is split open from the vicious blow. His body collapses, the spark of life extinguished from his eyes.

I hear a loud screech from behind me, which my body swiftly turns to face the source. I feel the most agonizing pain strike my abdomen as the Pawniard slashes with his clawed hand, tearing through the skin and leaving a very deep and large gash.

His eyes are a storm of terror and rage, but that fear grew tenfold when my body didn’t react to the injury. With the beam still in my hand I swing, another crack filling the air as he’s sent tumbling to the ground.

But my body doesn’t stop... I charge after him and proceed to smash his head with blow after blow, his head caving in further with each swing.

“BABORACHI!” I hear the voice of Annie scream at me in horror.

My body ceases beating the Pawniard’s corpse, only for it to turn to the prone form of the Kirlia.

...

I feel tears stream down my face as I look at Annie’s body.

She was my best friend... My only friend... She didn’t deserve this...

No one did...

...

The terror in her eyes is something that’ll burn into my mind till the day I die as my body strangles her, my grip tightening on her neck with each passing second.

She couldn’t fight back in her weakened state, and even if she could...she wouldn’t have been able to defeat me.

I feel her neck snap...and she lived no more.

...

I hear panicked voices around me as a search party arrives, finally finding me and the others.

I couldn’t stop crying, the shame and fear I felt was too much. I feel Annie’s mom pull me into her embrace, her own sobs filling the air for the sorrow she experienced of seeing her daughter’s corpse.

Annie’s parents refused to believe that I was the one that killed them all, they argued that I was a survivor of an attack. I was Annie’s best friend, how could I have killed her when I myself refused to fight?

Many knew that I did it but they didn’t have proof, so they dropped it.

They took care of my injuries the best they could, but the wound left by the Pawniard ended up leaving a very bad scar...to forever remind me of what I’ve done...

I couldn’t stay in my town anymore... What if I lose control again? When I evolve, what will happen when I’m even more powerful?

I couldn’t stay...

So I ran away, to hide from everyone...

I need to learn to control it...or stay away from everyone forever...

...

They didn’t deserve to die...

She didn’t deserve to die...