#i wish someone could diagnose me my sexuality

[ropebuny]

have you even ever been raped before? it's just disgusting, because being raped is one of the most awful things in the entire world. i wish i could remove my pain and give it to someone who "wants" it.

I have been raped and sexually assaulted / abused multiple times throughout my childhood, both as a toddler and as well as a young teen, by strangers as well as friends (who I thought were my close friends at the time, who I could trust) & by my high school boyfriend at the time, as well as by a family member. I am fully aware how disgusting it is and what a horrible experience it is, and I have been diagnosed with ptsd because of how these experiences have negatively impacted me going forward in my life. I have panic attacks when walking anywhere alone, I literally cannot be left alone with an older stranger or I will have a panic attack, I have constant flashbacks and nightmares and intrusive thoughts bringing me back to my assaults every single day, my main reason for self harm have always been these experiences, and I never received any justice for what had happened and I had also never received any support from my parents or friends at the time. I could never talk about these experiences with anyone because it was too taboo to bring up, no one wants to hear that and people would get visibly uncomfortable when I tried to speak on it. I completely understand what a sick act rape and sexual assault are, and how badly it can fuck you up because my experiences have definitely completely rewired my brain to the point that I never feel truly safe when left alone with someone, close friend or not. I have also been sexually assaulted multiple times since turning 18 and becoming legally an adult, though the cnc fantasy is mostly based around my childhood trauma. it’s where my fantasy to be taken against my will stems from mostly. I want to be able to turn these past experiences into enjoyable ones with my lover, and I want to feel safe knowing that it’s not real. feeling the security in knowing that I can say a safeword whenever and they will immediately stop. that makes me feel like I am now the one in charge. that I am the one who has the ability to choose whether it continues or not, because when I was being assaulted in real life, I always froze. I always froze and did nothing to help myself or stand up for myself, I just let it happen out of freezing terror that overcame me. when playing around with a partner, I have that security that it’s not real, that I’m not actually in danger. that I am the one in charge finally.

I feel really fucked about having these desires too, and me and my psychiatrist have been trying to work out what might be beneficial for me and he seems to be accepting of me exploring cnc with someone I trust and reshaping my traumatic experiences into something new, into feeling desired on an unhealthy level by my partner. I’m not too sure how to explain it. I apologise for any discomfort my posts have caused you and I am sorry for what you went through. my posts were never meant as me wishing genuine and non-consensual trauma upon myself, it was all meant to be understood as consensual play between me and a trusted, loving partner. my posts were never meant to be condoning these acts in the real world, outside of consensual play between adults who love each other. I know that I am safe when indulging in this play with my trusted partner, and it turns that previously negative experience into a now positive one that brings me closer to my partner due to the intense trust that we have been able to form in order for me to even want to engage in such play. it’s not something I engage in with random people, I need to know and trust the person who is roleplaying as an abuser. but that’s just how I personally experience cnc, I know others don’t mind engaging in this kind of play with strangers as well.

I understand your concerns, and I really hope you are healing from your experiences, but I also don’t feel too good having to write out my defense on here on why I should be ‘allowed’ to have certain fantasies. I don’t like talking about the real rape / sexual abuse that were forced on me throughout my childhood, many people on here get off on actual trauma stories and I never felt comfortable bringing up my real experiences because of that very reason. that’s why I never went into detail regarding what trauma I personally have and have not experienced on this blog because I wanted to keep it strictly sexual and consensual on my page, and I never felt that me bringing up my real experiences, especially the ones from my childhood, would benefit me in any way at all - and might actually, and very likely, put me in uncomfortable situations with weird people (who are into getting off on real trauma stories) then engaging with me.

I remember seeing a girl on here being asked by an anon if she’s ever been raped and she replied with something like “nooo, I wish I was >_<“ and I remember how horrible it made me feel regarding my experiences as well. so I entirely understand where you’re coming from and I am truly sorry for the trauma that you have experienced and I apologise that my blog has affected you in a negative way, it was never my intention. although people who have been abused throughout their life, like you and I, are very likely to develop sexual desires and kinks that explore their trauma. but sometimes, people who have no experience with that whatsoever, like that girl I mentioned a few sentences ago, will also develop them. and they aren’t necessarily automatically bad people for it either. it all depends on how you act outside of kink. although within kink respect of course still always matters, e.g. if you ignore a safeword you are a bad person, end of. I meant it more like the goodness of your heart is shown more when it comes to real situations, outside of kink; like the respect you have towards victims and towards your traumatised partner with whom you are indulging in this sensitive fantasy play with, how you treat these people outside of the kink world, in the real world where it’s different & it’s not just strictly fantasy and pretend. and that you are able to differentiate the two worlds, and are able to understand how certain kinks should not align with your real, genuine values or morals (e.g. being into cnc as a kink shouldn’t mean that you support or condone real rape and sexual assault, being into ageplay shouldn’t mean that you support or condone child exploitation, being into superiority & inferiority powerplay shouldn’t mean that you support or condone the patriarchy, being into petplay and enjoying seeing your partner act animalistic or wear animal ears & tails shouldn’t mean that you support or condone people having sex with real animals, etc). it’s all a play pretend fantasy, and the way people act within the kink world can drastically differ from how they act in the real world. your real life values & morals, and the way how you treat real people in real everyday situations, matters. and what you do consensually with a trusted and loved partner (and what is considered solely fantasy and play) consensual and appropriate environment, shouldn’t influence how you see the real world, the world outside of kink.

EDIT: I literally proved my point about how bad people on here will immediately jump at the opportunity to message you as soon as they find out that you have real genuine trauma, by receiving this dm not even 20 minutes after posting this ask answer:

[muzzleoleum]

ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁ִ ࣪𖤐My Enclosure࣪𖤐ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁ִ

Hello :) For the sake of this blog you can call me Bones or Carrion, or honestly anything that's just what i could come up with. This is my Non-Human blog and there will be more info under the cut :)

As I said this is my non-human blog!! However I will be posting more than just non-human related things. Please don't refer to me as human, and I use he/him pronouns :). I also have a partner!! My DMs are also open if you would like to chat!! (18+ only though for dms thank you :))

My non-human identities are as followed:

࣪𖤐 Lycanthrope

࣪𖤐 Werecreature

࣪𖤐 Wolf

࣪𖤐 Dogkin

࣪𖤐 Irish wolfhound Therian :)

tagging system (in the works)

#rambling inside the enclosure (my personal ramlbling tag)

#bloody fangs (nsfw tag MINORS BLOCK THIS NOW)

#clawing at paper (drawings or other art)

I do not wish to debate any kind of identities whether that is my own or someone else's, my time can be spent worrying on other things and i'd rather not waste my energy on discourse.

I am diagnosed with autism, OCD, c-PTSD, Prolonged psychosis and manic and depressive episodes, and other symptoms like dissociation and derealization that don't fit into a disorder. I am suspected to have schizoaffective by my therapist and psychiatrist, but we have not gone through the diagnostic process. I am also recovered from anorexia, do not interact if you are pro ED or sh, or if you are anti recovery. With all that said, I will talk about my experiences, and I will sometimes need extra clarification or tone tags, I might not always be articulate but I will try my best :)).

I am also physically disabled. I have been disabled my whole life, most of my family is disabled, so any ableism will either be called out or blocked.

Uh more about me, I was doner conceived (egg), and I am very very passionate about doner conceived rights for everyone, and I probably will talk a bit about that. I have a lot of weird genetic and like other shit that i don't really want to get into but that's something about me. I'm very queer, I'm trans, I am taken by my lovely partner <3 I love posting about them and stuff like that. I love to draw, even if i'm not super consistent with it. I love painting as well. I love punk music, and folk music a lot. I go to a lot of local shows in my area, and i love my community. I love cowboys and cowboy culture considering that a whole part of my family are modern day cowboys (ranchers and rodeo cowboys, plus some livestock farming). I'm very into wolf conservation and ecology, as well as studying wolf behavior and social patterns, and pack systems ect. I will probably be going back to the wolf sanctuary I visited last fall but i've been meaning to find one close to where i live where i can volunteer. I also have a lot of strong opinions about a lot of different things.

I will post about my opinion on things, my personal experiences, Mood boards, Cute wolf and other animal photos, and probably other random stuff too.

My DNI is not suuuper strict, Just absolutely no bigotry, No racism, Queerphobia, Islamophobia, Intersexism, anti-semitism, pro israel, ect. I am pro Palestine and I am pro Palestinian resistance and liberation always. Any bigotry or dog whistles will be blocked. I also don't want people coming on here with anything like "humans deserve to die" or "humans are the cause of everything bad so they deserve to cease to exist" Yall that so quickly turns bigoted and I will not stand for that, I will not allow stuff like that that can so quickly become eugenics or other beliefs like that to fester on my page.

Please don't flirt with me even as a joke, or make sexual jokes or comments to me personally, it makes me incredibly uncomfortable.

With that as well, Minors can like and repost things, I do not want any minors messaging me, it makes me uncomfortable, While this blog is not an nsfw blog, I will curse and I will talk about things that are more mature in nature things like my experiences with trauma and mental health, and other things that might not be the most appropriate for a minor to look at in detail, Please keep yourself safe, and don't follow if you are only looking for cute wolf content, because i might post some cute wolf photos but i'm also an individual who talks about my own personal experiences and other shit.

I will block if I feel necessary, it might not be anything personal to you.

Thank you and I hope you enjoy the blog :)

[onecornerface]

Against two papers which seem to imply we should go on unwanted dates for social justice

Last year, a philosophy paper by William D'Alessandro argued that it was bad, because lookist, for someone to prefer dating physically attractive people. The paper was widely mocked, but most critics failed to diagnose its most severe problem. And many failed to realize it was similarly objectionable to more mainstream-ish currents in social justice discourse, some of which are even worse.

Some critics objected on the grounds of apparent skepticism toward lookism as a real type of oppression. But I think lookism is a real oppression, and that the paper’s argument is objectionable even when aimed at more widely recognized forms of oppression such as racism and transphobia. In fact, a year earlier, a paper by Cheryl Abbate argued that it was wrong for white people to discriminate against black people on dating apps. I think both papers are guilty of a very similar terrible error.

(For the full Abbate paper, see The Palgrave Handbook of Sexual Ethics.)

Abbate briefly affirms that she thinks appearance-based discrimination in dating is wrong, and D’Alessandro briefly affirms that he thinks race-based discrimination in dating is bad. So their views are largely convergent on both racism and lookism, although D’Alessandro hedges more by merely saying that (holding and/or acting on) the relevant preferences are in some way “bad,” whereas Abbate makes the stronger claim that acting on the relevant preferences is “wrong.” Even if a refusal to date black people is more clearly problematic than a refusal to date unattractive people, I think the racism paper actually is worse overall.

My "Dutiful Date" Objection/Problem My problem with each paper is that it fails to recognize the most serious objection: Does the view, or does the view not, entail that we can sometimes be morally obligated to have a romantic/sexual encounter that we’d rather *not* have? If the view entails such a thing, then I insist it is pernicious—basically on feminist anti-rape-culture grounds. And if the view does *not* entail such a thing, then the paper should have clearly explained why not. But in neither paper is any of this addressed.

Abbate argues white people have moral duties to *not* discriminate against black people on dating apps. Her paper was somewhat similar to the infamous lookism paper, but received less attention or mockery. But both papers fail to clarify the exact scope of the resultant moral duties in a way that I consider extremely important.

Both papers *sound* like they entail that something like the following scenario could happen: There are two people, who I'll call Inviter and Respondent. Inviter makes a romantic or sexual invitation to Respondent (Inviter asks: "Will you go out with [or have sex with] me?"). The moral dilemma is faced by Respondent.

Respondent wishes to say “no”— but knows or believes that their own motivating reason for saying “no” (or too large a proportion of their reason, or too high a probability of this being their reason, etc.) is that, or is grounded by the fact that, they have a lookist preference, or a racist preference, of the sort that the paper condemns. (Respondent thinks: "I suspect I'm not attracted to this woman, at least in part, because she's black. Maybe that's bad. But what should I do now?")

From what is stated in each paper, especially Abbate, it *sounds* to me like there is an implication that *at least sometimes*, a person will have a moral duty to say “yes” when they wish to say “no” in a nonzero number of plausible real-world cases. *If* either paper has this implication, then this is a reductio and also pernicious! This *could* be a problem for D’Alessandro, and is more clearly a massive problem for Abbate.

I call this the Dutiful Date objection. I think it is the most serious problem with these sorts of views and arguments. It’s such an obvious problem, that (at the risk of double-counting) I think the failure to recognize the issue is *also* a serious problem! D’Alessandro and Abbate are both guilty of this, and this is the main problem with both their papers.

How Abbate's Paper Inadvertantly Raises the Dutiful Date Problem Each paper fails to recognize the severity of this potential concern, let alone address it. The racism paper seems to ignore it entirely. Abbate claims it is always wrong for a white person to “act on” “anti-black sexual preferences,” such as by skipping over a black person’s profile on dating apps (an example she gives). But what exactly all counts as anti-black sexual preferences, and as acting on anti-black sexual preferences? She does not require that it be malicious, so a lot can count.

My concern is that her account seemingly implies that it is wrongful discrimination when a white person decides to not date a black person for being black, and that this view would open the door to the Dutiful Date problem. In brief, here's how I derive the problem from what she says:

Abbate claims that quietly skipping over a profile is anti-black sexual discrimination, when this is motivated by an anti-black sexual preference. An anti-black sexual preference is seemingly any preference to not date black people, including a preference against black physical features. If so, then it is also natural to infer that saying “no” to a black person’s invitation for a date will also be acting on an anti-black sexual preference, when this is motivated by the *same* kind of preference. And Abbate insists it is always wrong to act on anti-black sexual preferences, which she explicitly considers to be wrongful anti-black sexual discrimination.

This, in turn, seems to imply that a white person may sometimes have a moral duty to date a black person—in order to avoid acting on a racist motive, in scenarios such as what I've sketched a few paragraphs above. Abbate never recognizes this possibility and never explains how her view can avoid it, even though it is a pretty obvious extension of her argument. That’s the problem. The notion of having a duty to go on a date, or to have sex, is an egregious implication. I think it is obvious that nobody ever has a moral duty to subject themselves to an unwanted romantic or sexual encounter.

There are two popular objections to D'Alessandro/Abbate-style views, which I'll call the "Control" objection and the "Innocent Preference" objection. I think D'Alessandro and Abbate are partially successful in refuting some versions of these objections, but their responses so far are powerless to refute my Dutiful Date objection.

My Concern is Not Dependent on the "Control" Objection One objection to the D’Alessandro/Abbate views is the control objection—we cannot control our romantic/sexual preferences, even if they are racist or otherwise problematic. D’Alessandro and Abbate both independently address and reject the control objection on the grounds of (frankly rather nebulous) evidence that sometimes we can change some of our romantic or sexual preferences over time. However, I can show that their defense is powerless against the Dutiful Date objection.

D’Alessandro and Abbate *only* provide evidence that we can (sometimes) change our preferences over *long* spans of time—*not* spur of the moment. But if someone asks you on a date (or for sex) right now, and you’d prefer to say “no” (due to a racist or otherwise problematic preference), then you just can’t immediately change your preference. Your ONLY psychologically possible options are [A] to say “no” (for a problematic reason) or [B] to say “yes” (when you’d rather not). If it’s wrong to say “no” for a racist reason, as Abbate’s view implies, then the only remaining possibility is that you ARE morally obligated to go on an unwanted date, or even to have unwanted sex!

And, as I keep saying, this is false and egregious, and Abbate’s failure to recognize the problem is also egregious. On some interpretations, D’Alessandro has the same problem.

My Concern is Not Dependent on "Innocent Preference" Objection Some people also dispute D’Alessandro/Abbate style views on the grounds that the preferences at issue, such as race-based romantic/sexual preferences, are not grounded in racial prejudice and are instead mere innocent preferences. I’m skeptical of this defense. I think Abbate is correct to challenge it by appeal to the pernicious effects of Eurocentric beauty standards, de facto segregation, and racist stereotypes. But it doesn’t matter for my purposes. My Dutiful Date objection is an independent argument. Suppose we know that a given white person prefers not to date black people due to racism (indeed due to indefensible racial prejudice), regardless of whether or not we think *some* other white people’s racial preferences are non-racist. I think it is obvious that this white person is STILL not morally obligated to go on an unwanted date, even if their motives are grounded in racism.

Wrongness and Injustice -Clarifying their Relation Perhaps surprisingly, this commits me to the claim that it is sometimes morally permissible to act on a racist motive. This clashes with what may be thought a standard view that it is always wrong to act on a racist motive. But this shouldn’t be surprising. Claims about racism should most directly imply notions of injustice, and only derivatively imply more downstream notions of personal wrongdoing and duty.

I have no problem with the claim that white people’s general aversion to dating black people (indicated by the low interracial dating statistics) is unjust in the aggregate or in a systemic way. I also think Abbate is plausibly correct to claim that dating apps ought to be redesigned so as to more encourage interracial dating, and that white people may have *some* moral reason to broaden their horizons in dating preferences. My problem is with how her argument, as stated, implies that individual white people may sometimes have a moral duty to respond to this injustice specifically by dating particular black people when they don’t want to—and my specific objection here is grounded in a deeper more general objection to the notion that anyone *ever* has a moral duty to have an unwanted romantic or sexual encounter. Such a view would badly fail to respect the moral seriousness of consent and sexual autonomy and integrity. Moreover, again, it’s egregious that Abbate somehow fails to recognize this problem despite how blatant it is.

Averting Two Problems of My Framing One may object to my framing of the issue in at least two ways. First, it may be objected that black people generally don't want to date or have sex with racist white people. This may be true, but it does not address the question of whether Abbate's view implies that a white racist-- OR a mostly non-racist white person who holds a more mild racist prejudice, OR even who merely mistakenly suspects themselves to hold a racist prejudice-- would have a moral duty to date a black person who *did* want to date them for whatever reason.

It may also be objected that my framing risks reinforcing a stereotype of black people as sexual predators who pressure white people into sex. I think I can undercut this risk by emphasizing that it is Abbate's view that risks pressuring white people into sex, even if black people do not agree with it, and it looks to me that Abbate is white (although I'm not certain). Moreover, Abbate's view is gender neutral, e.g. potentially implying that white men may sometimes have a duty to date black women. Even if it is objectionable to harp on a scenario of a white woman being pressured to date a black man (due to pernicious stereotypes which portray black men as predators against white women), it is not objectionable to discuss the problem in terms of potential pressure on white men to date black women, or to discuss the problem in more gender-neutral terms.

More on D'Alessandro's (Non-) Response to the Problem D’Alessandro seems to veer close to addressing the Dutiful Date problem in a few places (mainly page 9), and sounds like he *might* even bite the bullet, but is weirdly and obnoxiously vague on this. He more-or-less suggests that going on a date from a motive of pity or duty mightn’t be so bad after all, since the dater’s feelings could warm up over time. In all honesty, I think this is crazy and ridiculous on D’Alessandro’s part.

In fairness, he does hedge in claiming that preferring attractive partners is (in some way) “bad,” rather than “wrong”—but this is not sufficient to acknowledge or avert what I’m really worried about here. I think hedging can be fine, and in fact I actually think a modest version of the claim is plausible: people’s preferences for physically attractive partners may indeed be bad, in some way or other. I don’t even object to this. My problem is that he fails to rule out the possibility that people may sometimes have duties to go on dates or even to have sex, and that it is egregious for him to fail to address the threat of this implication. *Some* interpretations of his view will raise the Dutiful Date problem, and this is still objectionable.

I think it is very important to specify whether one’s argument does or doesn’t imply that a person sometimes might have a moral duty to engage in a romantic or sexual encounter that they’d rather not have. It is pernicious to write in such a way that this implication sounds like it may be present, and then not clarify. And it is pernicious to bite the bullet and argue for this implication (which, to be clear, neither author has yet done-- but *would* they?).

Why the Dutiful Date Problem (and Failure to Address it) Is So Bad I think this is pernicious because it amounts (by making a moral argument) to pressuring people into romantic or sexual encounters in a manner that ultimately is violating or at unacceptable risk of being violating. I think making moral arguments in philosophy papers can in fact be a way of violating people by eroding the recognition of taking consent and autonomy seriously in the right kind of way. I strongly condemn this both on libertarian-esque freedom-of-association grounds, and on feminist anti-rape-culture grounds.

I think criticizing people’s romantic or sexual preferences is seriously hazardous from the outset, much more so than most philosophers seem to recognize, for this kind of reason (among several other reasons). But there *are* legitimately valuable aspects of this sort of inquiry (provided that it is done well—which is difficult), and there are less objectionable ways of doing it. For instance, some of the “racial fetish” literature (among others) is more careful to avoid implying that people may ever have an obligation to say “yes” when they’d rather say “no.”

For instance, Robin Zheng’s paper on “yellow fever” (“Asian fetishes”) is more careful to avoid implying that people may have duties to go on unwanted dates. Moreover, some criticisms of race fetishes may simply imply that it’s wrong to say “yes” to a date because of that person’s race. This view seems to me far from bulletproof—but clearly *vastly* less problematic than the notion that it’s wrong to say “no” to a date because of that person’s race. These don’t look to me symmetrical at all. So my view is potentially compatible with affirming moral opposition to race fetishes.

It is very important to promote ideas and social norms which empower all people to affirm their rights to freedom of association and bodily integrity, and to disempower rape culture and all forms of compulsive sexuality. When some philosophy papers and social justice discoursers promote the notion that discrimination against potential romantic or sexual partners could be problematically racist (or lookist, or transphobic, etc.), this notion, while potentially legitimate, must be handled with immense care—otherwise, it is a hazardous threat to very important values. Done carelessly, as D’Alessandro and Abbate have done, it amounts to a gross and weird way of smuggling some regressive notions-- inadvertent cousins to “nice guy”-ism and incel-adjacent ideology-- into an ostensibly progressive guise.

Should people’s romantic and sexual preferences be off-limits to moral scrutiny, to avert the risk of such regression? That would be far from ideal, but it’d be better than the way things are currently going in some quarters.

Frankly both the D’Alessandro paper and the Abbate paper are bizarre and terrible in a lot of ways I haven't even mentioned. But here my main goal is simply to recognize the Dutiful Date problem, to characterize some of why it's so bad, and to condemn these papers—and broader currents of similar thought in social justice discourse—for their failure to address it.

[roo-bastmoon]

"I can't stand your kumbaya OT7 fake cheeriness. Be ffr."

First and foremost, I will always advocate that you police your own experience. PLEASE mute / block / unfollow me if my posts (and just my personality in general) are causing you distress. I never wish to be the source of problems in the world. So go with my blessing.

But second...

I hope you know there are some really good REASONS why I'm so "kumbaya" right now.

In my 44 years living on this space rock, I have:

--had a vicious abusive alcoholic parent who broke my nose when I was a kid

--been through my parents' nasty divorce that left us so poor we lived out of a car and ate one meal a day so our cats could have cat food

--developed disordered binge eating because I believed it was necessary during my semi-pro ballet days

--was sexually assaulted by a partner who professed to love me

--had not one but TWO diagnosed narcissistic bosses who made my beloved workplaces hell for years

--survived (so far) uterine cancer which took away my ability to ever be a bio-mom, something I'd always wanted for myself

I look at this laundry list of trauma (for which I am seeing a WONDERFUL therapist) and think to myself:

"Even so, I've lived such a cushy, privileged, safe and happy life. I've got four higher degrees; I've traveled the US and through Europe; I've worked on creative and charitable projects that I'm proud of; I've got a small band of wonderful real-life friends who stuck by me for the past 30+ years. It's been a good and meaningful life."

But I am TIRED of drama and I've had a lifetime supply of harsh words and meanspirited discourse. I'm just so fed up with it. I'm allergic to it now.

I'm not saying we should allow hate and harmful behavior to slide. But here on the internet, we have the power to block and remove anything we don't want to see or be a part of. I WISH we could do that in real life, where the stakes are so much higher.

So for my part, after being in all kinds of internet fandoms since 1999, I've come to the conclusion that I will not hang with mean girls, I will not feed trolls, I will not fight with antis, and I will TRY not to pop off on people who upset me (sometimes menopause gets the better of me, I admit it). Rather, I will just redirect my focus to what brings me joy, I will follow my bliss, I will take revenge by living happily.

And keep in mind... People are human. Fans and members alike are going to have bad takes, bad attitudes, bad days, bad habits. The question is: are they willfully causing harm? If yes, intervention is necessary. If no, then a little grace might be more useful.

I come from three generations of teachers and one of the most important things they've said to me is: Shame is not a teaching tool. It might temporarily change someone's behavior, but more often than not they double down in order to counteract embarrassment. If you want good results, thank a person for trying their best, acknowledge they are likely struggling, and invite them to be the better version of themselves you absolutely know they can be. Sometimes that works.

With ruiners, it doesn't. They just want to ruin things. Ruining things makes them feel powerful, because they cannot create; they can only destroy. It is their only talent. Ruiners invade a space and absolutely delight in ruining it for everyone else. It's a disease and I don't know the cure. The only way I know to counteract a ruiner is to stay in your space and LOUDLY be joyful, be cheerful, focus on what you love, and drown out their vitriol and hate with compassion and love.

So THAT is why I'm so "kumbaya cheerful OT7." Even on days when I would love nothing more than to thrash and whine, I'm trying my best to be a good little oyster and filter out the toxins, so this place remains focused on what matters: supporting BTS and enjoying ARMY.

If after knowing all that, I'm still not your cup of tea? I totally understand and I really don't mind if you need to mute me. This blog is just a hobby, just a place I come to escape the stress of work deadlines and house renovations and sick kitties and my own health issues and real life problems. Probably that's why you're here too. It's meant to be fun and enjoyable. I'm sorry if you don't like me, but... I'll never change all my colors for you.

So go follow your joy and find like-minded blogs. You have my blessing. And maybe we'll meet each other again on down the road, and we'll both be in better places, and we can walk together by then. Either way, you deserve to be happy.

Love, Roo

[p0th]

ik im probably rlly late to the party but what is objectum, like is it a role play thing, is it a coping thing? I need someone to explain it to me like im 5 bc i genuinely just don't understand what it is lol

So the literal definition of being objectum is someone who's attracted to inanimate objects, whether that be platonic, romantic, sexual, or somethin else. However, looking at it with only its literal definition doesn't really account for the intricacies that such a label brings.

I just want to point out that while some people see objects as alive (the label for that being POSIC), others dont. Animism is also a similar term for where people percieve inanimate things as having souls. Personally, I dont see my object as alive, but do sometimes use gendered terms to describe them and feel comforted by their presence. People can also be objectum and be attracted to actual people too.

Being objectum is also more common in autistic people. Object personafication is a common trait seen in autism and other disorders and i can see how that can lead people to being objectum. Though I have never been formally diagnosed with anything, i am probably neurodivergent & maybe that has a part in me identifying as objectum idk!! Theres a study on autism in objectum ppl here if u want to glance over it: https://www.nature.com/articles/s41598-019-56449-0

For me, I started using the objectum label coincidentally around the time I started finally figuring out that i was aroace and not attracted to real people. I realized that the love I feel for my friends is equivalent to the love I feel for my hobbies and interests which was also the same love i felt towards certain objects. I drew this out cuz i think its a lil confusing how im saying it LOL. Theres also a thing called "conceptum" which is the attraction to concepts which I think i actually fall more into, but I just go by objectum because it is more general.

You know how people will swear they have this great relationship with nature? How they feel so so connected to plants and how they love watching the ocean and how they wish they could live outside forever because the forest is a part of their flesh and blood? How they feel more alive feeling the earths fresh air and how nature teaches them things they never even knew about themselves? okay, so, why is this normal to say but once u turn it around into something that’s an object it is insane talk!! I feel like there's this interesting dynamic where its okay to be super attached to nature but kinda weird to be super attached to inanimate things but i think i am rambling & getting off topic!!!

Personally, I dont really have objects that im attracted to in the same way I would be attracted to a human. It is very broad for me. Others though, have certain objects that they really like and thats fine. For me, going by that label just makes me comfortable even if i dont fit into the literal definition. I like computers in general, not just my own personal computer. Objectum for me is just another way to say that my love for inanimate things can be just as great as my love for animate things. Theres just so much complexity and nuance in it that it is hard to describe unless you've experienced it yourself.

As for it being a coping thing, I've heard some people say its a result of not being able to trust people due to past trauma, but i dont believe that's necessarily true for the majority of people and not too good to generalize. Ive grown up surronded by friends and in a loving environment and am able to maintain relationships with living people, but also use the label of objectum because it makes me comfortable.

I can very much see how someone can look at someone saying theyre attracted to objects and just cringe a little bit and thats okay LOL. At this point, I have been exposed to so many concepts -being online so much and surrounded by so many diverse people- that i just dont even pay it mind. But, I know a lot of people have literally never heard of this label before and are just weirded out by it. I think honestly people need to think about the limitless potential a relationship can be when in the hands of such a complex being as a human. At the end of the day though, it doesn't hurt anyone but its also okay to be a lil unsure of it as an outsider. Just be kind to others!!

Im sorry if this is a bit of word vomit, if u cant tell i got a lil too into it & my thoughts tend to be rlly scattered LOL. thank u 4 the ask & plz let me know if u need any clarity on anythin cuz i know i am very hard to follow at times !!!

[shion-yu]

I Still Think Of You

Whatever proceeded or followed this moment was worth it, if only just to hear Elliot's voice one more time. Cliff and Elliot reconnect nearly three years after their breakup. A complete rewrite of an older story that I wasn't content with and deleted. Also my fill for my @badthingshappenbingo space "I Will Only Slow You Down." 2,351 words, original writing, no TWs, CW depression, chronic illness whump.

The song hit Cliff like a stray bolt of lightning. He was sitting in the outpatient infusion center getting his monthly infliximab when it came on the regional variety station.

Sometimes I'm driving 

Down ninety-five in your car

I imagine it still smells like you

But that was so long ago

And you're gone

Like dust in the wind

Like the tide pulled you in

Like you're never coming back

To me again

To whisper in my ear

"You're my whole life"

And I'm yours

I'm still yours

It was Elliot. The voice was unmistakably Elliot's because nobody else's voice sounded like that: that perfect mix of confident yet wavering and gentle. Cliff knew it immediately because it was the voice that he fell in love with. He also realized quite quickly that the song was about him. All those other love songs that Elliot had written could be excused away as generic, the classic ballad about a faceless lover. Maybe a few coincidences, but never anything like this one that pulled so directly from the time that he and Elliot spent together. 

Cliff had told Elliot so many times: "You're my whole life." At first it seemed romantic. Later it seemed possessive. "I can't be your whole life, not all of it," Elliot had told him the day they broke up. "You need to keep some for you, too."

Cliff wished he had understood what Elliot meant by that back then. Maybe if he had, things would have turned out different. Maybe Cliff would have been more honest, braver. But they were victims of the age old cliche: you can't love another person until you love yourself. It hadn't just been Cliff though. Neither of them had loved themselves, they'd only loved each other. They'd relied on each other too much before the other was ready to carry the burden of another.

That was almost three years ago. A lot had changed since then. Cliff was diagnosed with sarcoidosis. He started law school and then made the difficult decision not to return after the first year. He dated Phoenix, who broke up with him when he dropped out. He never loved Phoenix though. Cliff wasn’t even sure if he ever even really liked him. It was just another poor attempt at hoping that if he pretended to be someone he wasn't, he'd stop being the real, pathetic version of himself that actually existed.

Cliff had been trying to ignore Elliot's steep rise to fame for a while now for his own self-preservation, but after I Still Think Of You hit the billboard 100 it became impossible. Elliot was everywhere: on talk shows and TV performances and magazine covers. The other half of his act, some guy named Alex, always hovered behind him providing bass and backup vocals. Cliff thought he looked like a little kid. He rarely smiled, as opposed to Elliot who couldn’t stop except for when he was crooning so passionately into the microphone that it gave Cliff chills to see. Everyone seemed to think Elliot's permanant smile when speaking was adorable, but Cliff knew it was just a nervous habit.

He watched Elliot sing his heart out on a YouTube clip of Good Morning America. Elliot was always incredibly talented, but his voice had gotten much better with age and confidence. He owned every word and his presence was immense. The announcer described him as a prodigy, but Cliff disagreed. He knew Elliot worked his ass off to get to that point, it didn't just come naturally. But Elliot laughed and thanked everybody profusely. It sounded like the audience was mostly girls based on the squealing every time Elliot said something sweet. Elliot had never denied his sexuality in interviews, but it seemed that didn’t matter.

Cliff didn’t know why he did it. Maybe because he thought there was no way Elliot wouldn't have changed his number by now and even if he hadn’t, he wouldn’t answer Cliff right? Maybe it was because he was lonely and figured he didn't have anything to lose. Or maybe it was because he thought he might die before he ever had a chance to address his single most burning regret in life. Nobody said he was dying, but Cliff wasn't sure. He didn’t leave the house anymore, too sick to have the energy and too self-conscious about his inability to control himself to try. He couldn’t get farther than the length of his apartment without his crutches and he couldn’t skip the oxygen if he wanted to walk further than a single block without his lips turning blue. It felt pitiful, and he spent many nights thinking that if someone offered him a magic pill that would let him never wake up again, he'd take it. 

The text was tapped out, deleted, then rewritten and sent before Cliff could change his mind again.

'I still think of you too.'

He told himself not to wait for a response. Even if Elliot did receive the text, he might not respond. It had been three years since they'd talked after all. Three very long years in which both of them had undergone a tremendous amount of change. Elliot was now successful and brilliant, shining for the world to see like Cliff always knew he would. And Cliff… He was the opposite. He was dull and empty. He had nothing left but a broken body and the bones of all the things he'd ruined over the years. Elliot shouldn't talk to him anyways, Cliff thought to himself - he’d only bring Elliot down. 

Cliff nearly dropped his phone when it rang almost immediately after he pushed send. It was Elliot. Cliff answered in shock. "Hello?"

"Cliff!"

And that was it. Whatever proceeded or followed this moment was worth it, if only just to hear Elliot's voice one more time. 

"Yeah, it's me."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Cliff was sitting in Barney's waiting for Elliot to show up. It was their old stomping grounds, the café that they used to visit during late night study sessions when they went to NYU. Elliot asked him to sit in the back, presumably so he could avoid being recognized by any fans while he met with Cliff. Cliff thought maybe if Elliot knew what he looked like now, he wouldn't have even taken that chance.

Cliff tried to clean up nicely, but he was so pale now from a mix of illness and never leaving the house. He wore his oxygen to get here, but he arrived early so he’d have time to catch his breath and hopefully get away with stashing it in his bag while they talked. His crutches weren't something he could hide though, and neither was how thin and brittle his hair was from the methotrexate (although at least it hadn’t fallen out). He was starting to decide this was a terrible idea, that he ought to just go home before Elliot ever had the chance to arrive, but then suddenly Elliot was standing right there in front of the table - in front of Cliff - and it was too late to turn back.

Elliot looked older. More mature. His dark curls were shorter and tamer than they ever were when they dated. “Hi Cliff,” Elliot said with a nervous smile. 

Cliff thought he looked incredible. He wondered if he should stand and give Elliot a hug, Elliot always was a hugger. But instead he just smiled back and motioned for Elliot to sit. “Hello Elliot,” he replied, equally as nervous. Elliot took off his black leather jacket that fit him astonishingly well and hung it on the back of his chair before sitting.

“So,” Elliot said. “It’s been… what, two years?” Almost three, Cliff thought to himself as he nodded in agreement. Surely Elliot had to know it'd almost been three years since Cliff messed what they had up so immeasurably. "Wow."

"Wow," Cliff repeated. "You look great, by the way."

Elliot's flustered face made Cliff worry he'd already messed up. But Elliot just said, "Thanks. You don't look so bad yourself." Cliff was sure that was a lie. "How have you been? I heard you got diagnosed with an autoimmune disease."

Cliff wondered where the hell Elliot possibly heard that. Then again, they had still gone to the same school for their final year of undergrad even if they hadn't been dating anymore. Their majors had no crossover at all though, and any friends they'd shared had obviously ended up staying friends with Elliot, not Cliff. 

"Yeah," Cliff confirmed uncomfortably. "Sarcoidosis." So awkward.

"I'm sorry," Elliot said.

"Sorry for what?" Cliff said.

Elliot rubbed his hands together, glancing down. "Well, I never called after I heard you got sick. That wasn't very nice of me. I wanted to, but we were... You know."

"Yeah. I know," Cliff said. This is so not how he'd hoped this meeting would go, although he had tried not to have any expectations at all about it. "It's okay. Don't worry about it. Tell me about you."

"Me?" Elliot asked with such innocence that Cliff had to laugh. He barely ever laughed this days, but he couldn't help it.

"Yes you," Cliff said. "Like you're not totally famous now."

Elliot blushed and looked flustered. "Stop, I'm not that famous," he said quickly. "I mean I've been so lucky and so fortunate but, famous is a little..."

"Sure," Cliff smiled. "Okay. Successful. You're so successful now. You really earned it."

"Really? Thanks, Cliff," Elliot said, smiling back. "It means a lot to hear you say that."

It was Cliff's turn to be surprised. He wasn't sure why Elliot would value his opinion much. He cleared his throat, coughing a little. "Well, yeah, of course."

They were silent for several awkward beats until Cliff interrupted it by coughing again. Was sitting at a table in a coffee shop seriously too much for him, he thought in annoyance? But it was also the first time he'd left the house for anything but a doctor's appointment in... Weeks? Surely not months. 

"Do you have a cold?" Elliot asked worriedly. 

Shit, five minutes reunited and Cliff was already making Elliot worry again? Cliff had to get the situation under control. He shook his head, pulling a napkin from the dispenser on the table and covering his mouth with it while he continued to cough. He could feel his lungs twitching, protesting in annoyance that they weren't being treated like the main attraction as usual. Cliff closed his eyes and tried to pretend Elliot wasn't right across from him for a second while he weighed his options. He ultimately decided it was less embarassing to wear oxygen than have a full on asthma attack right in front of everyone. "Sorry," Cliff said hoarsely. "Don't think that... I just don't want you to worry."

Elliot looked confused until Cliff pulled his oxygen tubing from the bag slung across the back of his chair and looped it over his ears. "Oh," Elliot said softly. Cliff couldn't read his expression. Pity? Disappointment? "Cliff, you didn't have to not wear that for my sake. I know it's... Things are different now." 

Cliff took several deep breaths through his nose, trying to control his cough. He could feel his head getting a little clearer. "I'm not saying you should care," Cliff said when he caught his breath. "I'm not saying I deserve you to. But I don't want you to think I'm not trying. I am."

Elliot nodded as if he understood. His face was so tender, so gentle and delicate... Cliff pushed away the desire to reach out and brush Elliot's cheek with his fingers. "Like I said. Things are different." 

Cliff relaxed a little, his shoulders falling from their tense position. He rested his chin in his hands and said, "Thank you."

The long minute of silence that followed was still awkward, but not as awkward as the first one. Elliot shifted in his chair and said, "Why did you text me?"

"What?" Cliff asked, startled. 

"You must have had something in mind. After all this time. Why'd you text me?" 

Cliff had asked himself that a million times in the week since he'd sent that message. At first he really didn't know, but now he realized two things. One, his life without Elliot had never been as happy as when Elliot was in it. And two, if he wanted Elliot back in his life, he had to be honest, not like the first time. So, he was honest. "I just missed you." 

"Oh," Elliot said. Cliff half expected him to run away, slap a hand on the table and say he knew Cliff hadn't changed. But instead he smiled shyly and said, "I missed you too."

Now they both looked surprised and a little embarrassed. Cliff had wondered for years what it would be like if he ever saw Elliot in person again. He'd at times wanted to apologize, beg for their relationship back, to convince Elliot he'd changed. But as time went on, he'd gotten more tired. He was still that anxious, guilty person he was before, but he'd had the time to think about what had gone wrong and learned to appreciate what had gone right. Elliot had agreed to meet him, and this was his chance to do things right this time. Even if it was never the same and Elliot wasn't his, Cliff's main desire was to make it up to him now. 

"I was wondering if I could text you sometimes," Cliff said. "I know you're really busy. Just, talk to you every once and a while."

"You mean like friends?" Elliot asked.

Cliff nodded. "Yeah. Like friends." 

He waited for the answer feeling like this was judgement day. There was no other question he was dying to know the answer to more. He only had to wait a second.

"Okay," Elliot said. "I'd like that. Friends." God, that nervous smile, Cliff thought to himself as he melted in relief. No wonder all those teen girls fell in love so quickly.

[bobafett51]

TW: Assault and mental Health

Dealing with and identifying abusers as somebody with Autism is so difficult. And it's a lesson I keep getting reminded of constantly.

I'm so tired. I have been so tired, my whole life. I spent my whole life dissociating without even realizing until a couple months ago. Before I was diagnosed with Autism, nearly every time I had a meltdown or shutdown I would respond by dissociating. Every time something would trigger a past trauma that I was unable to identify I would just simply disassociate. And because I pushed myself so hard every day, and because there were so many things in the past that have traumatized me, I would disassociate almost every day. Disassociation became the norm for me. So much so that I have a hard time remembering that it is not normal.

Building on this, like everyone with Autism can attest to, life is very uncomfortable for me. The world was not build for us in mind, so nearly all the world makes us uncomfortable. What is really hard is identifying a normal level of uncomfortable I have to learn to cope with is (like there being multiple conversations in the same room) and a bad level of uncomfortable (like a "friend" constantly groping me unwantedly).

I had a "friend" who kept groping me, putting his hand under my shirt and feeling my muscles, grabbing my ass, moving his hands around my crotch area, and grabbing my arms. And every time he did it I would dissociate and I would get triggered as memories of past sexual traumas would flood into my brain. But because I'm so used to dissociation, being uncomfortable, and getting triggered I did not realize that this was a bad level of uncomfortable. It was not until this "friend" assaulted another one of my other friends that I realized my "friend's" behavior was so wrong. And I am just so frustrated that it still takes so much for me to realize when someone else's behavior is so out of line. I have a "friend" who constantly sexually assaulted me and the part I am most frustrated about is how long it took me to realize it. That is just so fucked up to me and it just makes me even more frustrated.

But it's partly because this kind of stuff happens to me all of the time. Almost twice a month, someone is groping me, definitionally assaulting me. It just makes me wonder if I'm the one doing something wrong? Is there something wrong with me? Like is there something about me that makes people want to do that to me? Do I accidentally communicate that I want people to touch me? I get that I'm muscular, that I'm attractive, but like does this happen to other men? Why can't I go out without someone grabbing my ass or my crotch or shoving my hand in a sexual area?

I will heal from this. This is far from the worst thing I have gone through. And honestly, I identified this abuse faster than my prior ones. It's just so frustrating seeing how much more growth I have to do. How much more I have to learn. I usually love the opportunity and knowledge that I have more room to grow and more stuff to learn. But when it comes to this, I just wish I didn't have any more growth to do. I wish I could just identify abusers quicker, I could have avoided so much pain and trauma if I could.

At times like this I have to keep in mind that I will be healed and forgiven. James 5:15. It will work out. My next post will be about a moment of sexual healing to counteract this one.

[muskmelon-enjoyer-199x]

self portrait except it's 2013 and they're making me take antipsychotics for being trans

unpleasantries under the cut

something I don't talk about a lot is that I used to enjoy singing when I was younger. I didn't really talk about it then because I already got enough shit. I don't really talk about it now because I don't really like singing anymore. Anytime I try to sing along with something now, i just get sad. even if I plug my ears, I can still feel it in my throat.

Sometimes I wonder if things would have been different if my parents had actually given a shit. The difference between photos of me at 15 and 18 is so stark. They could have done something.

I haven't told them (and I probably won't), but I kind of hate them. It feels stupid sometimes, because I didn't get disowned. They didn't leave me out in the cold when it came to finances or housing. They actually want to see me sometimes, and they say they're proud of my accomplishments.

I guess the problem is that they have never been able to support me emotionally. I tell them something is wrong, and they tell me it isn't. I tell them something horrible is happening to me, and they tell me it's not that bad. I tell them somebody did something horrible to me and now I have weird recurring nightmares, and they tell me to get over it already. I almost died of something that wasn't my fault, and they were mad at me for it.

Being around them usually just feels like being around strangers nowadays. I feel bad saying that, but it's true. I wish they would just apologize so I could have some closure about what happened and get on with trying to maintain what remains of our relationship.

I posted something else about conversion therapy before, but I freaked out and deleted it.

It was about how negligent and malicious misdiagnosis are used to medicate the trans out of kids in places where outright conversion therapy is banned. They basically zombify you on tranquilizers ("mood stabilizers," "antipsychotics") that legit break your brain. It really sucks.

You end up a twitching mess with long-term sleep problems, sexual dysfunction, and trouble organizing your thoughts. Then, once the damage is done, everybody pretends that you actually were insane the whole time. If you complain or struggle in life, they just write you off as a diagnosed headcase.

It's so frustrating. I feel like I drift between being sad and angry all the time now. I watch shows I like, and they make me sad. I just think about various bad things that have happened all the time. Everything reminds me of them. I can't go a day without thinking about at least one of them. When it happens, my heart starts pounding and sometimes I hyperventilate.

I don't really like being around other people usually. I don't feel like we are the same species most of the time.

I keep feeling like im watching my day go by from inside my eyes. When I look at my hands, it's like looking at someone else's hands. Sometimes I look in the mirror and it feels like I'm looking at someone else. I've watched my reflection for hours before, trying to make it feel like me the way I rationally know it's me.

I cry in my car after work a lot. It's hard to hold it in when I'm there. Idk. It's like I can't usually cry at appropriate times anymore, or when I feel like I want to cry. It only happens occasionally, and never at an appropriate time. It just comes out of nowhere, because of a song or something dumb like that.

crybaby bullshit. Sorry. I was a crybaby before lil peep got it inked on his face

[projectjasper]

any hcs for khabkluen that u would like to share/haven’t before?? :o

oh, you certainly know what to ask me 😌 thank you so so much for sending him in!

choose a character and ask about my headcanons here, if you like

🏳️‍🌈 a sexuality headcanon

bi.

🏳️‍⚧️ a gender headcanon

as a good chunk of autistics, i feel like he is a bit lax with gender. i don't know if he specifically identifies with anything other than being a guy, but if you ask him, he'd probably shrug and say "i'm just me" or something gjkdfgjkfdljgl

🧸 a headcanon about their childhood

i think he was diagnosed as autistic pretty early on, but - although his mom tried her best to support him and let him be himself - he ended up learning how to mask when he was quite young as well. so i think a lot of his childhood was spent as this supposedly picture-perfect, "pleasure to have in class" kid, who everyone talked to, but no one was really friends with necessarily. he knew how to "behave", but not necessarily how to talk to people, a lot of his masking was focused on not stimming, sitting "properly", and other more physical, instantly noticeable things. and that did, of course, turn into meltdowns and shutdowns that were particularly bad.

👻 a headcanon about what scares them

psychologically, overstepping boundaries. he is absolutely terrified of misinterpreting a situation and saying or doing something wrong.

👽 a headcanon about a weird quirk of theirs

he is definitely very particular about things. everything in his apartment has a specific place for it and should not be moved. truly, if you put bowls on the left and plates on the right of the shelf, when he's always had bowls on the right and plates on the left, he will switch them back and probably glare at you.

🦾 a disability headcanon

autism, obviously.

💝 a headcanon about their love language

acts of service, often silent ones, which benefit the person but sometimes aren't even immediately apparent. and physical touch, all the cuddles and kisses and casual affection for him, please!

🫂 a friendship headcanon

noel and he are very close and will be best friends for the rest of their lives. generally, khluen doesn't have the easiest time making friends, so this friendship in particular, with someone who truly understands and loves and respects him, is very special.

💔 an angsty headcanon

it takes many years for him to break up with daoneua, generally rethink his social circle, and start going to therapy, so he really only finds his self-worth and starts loving himself probably like a decade after the os2 simm episodes.

🪢 a headcanon about their family

he really is very close to his mom and, apart from noel, she is the first person he goes to, when it feels like the entire world is against him.

📓 a headcanon about their hobbies

he really loves reading. especially romance and fantasy.

👗 a headcanon about their clothes

fashion is really not his thing. he could not care less what he's wearing, as long as it looks presentable.

🔪 A headcanon relating to fighting/violence

he has this very strong sense of justice and does embrace violence as a way of fighting for it, so he will throw a punch, if he finds it necessary, for sure.

🌟 a headcanon about their desires/wishes

he just really wants to be loved, even more than to be understood, which is why he often ends up surrounded by people, who say that they love him, but do not understand him and are not willing to understand him at all.

🍫 a headcanon about food

he has three breakfast options, three lunch options, and three dinner options on rotation. they are the same ones he's had for years. the only two things he can drink are cold water and guava juice. if he does not have any guava juice during the day, it is game over for absolutely everyone.

💄 an appearance headcanon

he stops dyeing his hair brown after breaking up with daoneua.

🖕 a headcanon relating to anger

i'd say he's quite friendly with anger. it is a feeling he doesn't feel often, but when it's appropriate, it's appropriate, ykwim. much like sadness is seen as a negative but not "bad" feeling - the same way khluen does not see anger as a "bad" feeling, like many people do.

😺 an animal related headcanon

he really loves cats. he eventually gets two.

😭 a headcanon about the worst thing that happened to them

i don't know if i would necessarily pinpoint one specific moment, but just generally the people he ended up surrounded by, his social circle. most of it, anyway.

😶 a random headcanon!

after finishing uni, he works remotely from home and has a flexible work-schedule.

[symptoms-syndrome]

Ugh reading my old psych reports is always such a mixed bag. I don't rly know why I do it.

My most recent psych report is mostly just about autism. And it's fine. Says all the normal stuff about autism. Struggles with "reciprocal social interaction," also apparently they said I have a "very restricted affect," which is interesting. It's not something I'm aware of. I know that I do TRY and make faces sometimes to convey how I feel but that's very much a conscious effort. It said I have "low imaginative play" or something like that which I'm not sure what they mean by that. I know what it means for kids but not for adults.

But it also includes some background info from my previous psych tests, ones that were done somewhat punitively in middle and high school. It says I struggle to make relationships with others. I'm "paranoid and oppositional with those around [me]," "intense and volatile," and that I "place [my] needs before others, while simultaneously relying on positive feedback from those around [me] to feel good about [my]self."

On one hand, I know that that testing was obviously biased against me in the first place. I was also in a really, really hard spot. Plus, obviously, I don't have a full memory of what I was like to confirm or deny any of that. But on the other. What if they're right? They're the professionals. What if I'm so self obsessed I don't even see my own shortcomings? What if all that psychobabble is why I can't make friends like I want to? It's hard to fix something I don't even see. I wish someone could point out exactly what I'm doing wrong. I did wrong bad things a lot as a kid without knowing. People told me all the time that what I was doing was wrong or bad and it always took me by surprise because I didn't know.

I really, really wanted to make friends my whole life. I never really understood why I couldn't. It feels like I need to investigate, dig into what those professionals saw in me and eliminate it. Like digging out a bullet from a wound. How am I supposed to be a better person if I don't confront my flaws?

I also feel like I'm so, so buried under all the diagnoses I've gotten over my years in psych. BPD NPD OCD ODD PTSD MDD GAD all these fucking acronyms and labels all before I was even an adult!!! How am I supposed to know who I am when who I am has always been defined by a DSM code. I've always been a disorder or a sickness. My therapist says most of those diagnoses are bullshit, either just in general or for me specifically. Which, and I know I'm a biased party, but I agree with.

I want to be a good person so, so bad. I don't know why people don't think I am one. I feel like I need to try harder. There's something rotten inside me and I need to find it and get rid of it. But I can't find it. I'm trying my very very best but still can't manage to be a person who's okay for other people to be around and I don't know why.

TW for CSA stuff under the cut.

It also notes in both previous tests that I was "very sexual" and "had sexual relationships with classmates and adults." It says that I reported "it's what my brain did and I didn't like it" and that "I didn't know how to stop."

That makes me sad. I don't remember explicitly any of that, but the idea makes me sad.

It really is one of the ways I try to connect with others. It's the way my brain feels like it's wired. It's got very clear rules, it feels like. It's a clear exchange. And like. I don't know. It's something I know I can offer that people will want to take. "They want to have sex with me" is sort of my default...I don't know. Instinct when someone shows interest in me. I know it isn't true all the time. I just feel like sometimes it's all I can give. My other interests and everything is sort of secondary. Like...people will listen to me talk about Sonic or let me be weird or will hang out with me if I give them sex.

I hated hated hated being called sexual or a pervert or anything like that in school but it was also like. The thing that everyone defaulted to when talking about me. Even friends made jokes about it that I hated. I was always the sexual one. And at the time I didn't really know why, because I didn't feel like I was very sexual. Now I know that it was mostly dissociative barriers.

It just makes me sad, also, because like. Isn't that one of the big red flags for CSA? Why didn't anyone do anything about it other than punish me? Why was a child being punished for being sexual when they should have been...I don't know. Helped? It was clearly an issue that was fairly obvious. I don't know why I was punished for things I just didn't understand.

And now I'm all messed up about it. I don't know how to have close relationships because my brain just puts sex as a major factor so if people don't want to have sex with me...I don't know what they want.

[groovytimes]

The year 2023 was interesting, chill, but ultimately, a bittersweet one.

I started the year hopeful, with new opportunities (writing gig), new people, and even though I was still riddled with anxiety, I pushed through it and tried to go out of my way. It didn't really work: I've quit a stressful job, kept getting my submissions rejected (so used to it I don't fear them, I expect them), and got ghosted by someone I was genuinely interested in (I don't get my interest piqued a lot when it comes to men...). But I've also crossed paths with some of the kindest and creative people, and I treasure my time I spent with them. But, I also found out this week I am at risk at losing another job. Honestly, right now, I'm quite nervous, and a little disappointed.

Then there was the dating app. I have to admit, although I had no intention of going on a date with any of them, and never responded to any advances, it was kind of thrilling to see that there are people out there who would want to if given the chance. I've gone all my life feeling unattractive, and even though most of them are after only one thing, it was kinda fascinating to see that I was considered a candidate! I've always been comfortable in my sexuality, and although I'm ending the year as I began (single!), I have never felt more sexually empowered. But, that is not something I'm willing to share with just anyone, and I like having that control.

But, the saddest thing to happen literally just a month ago, someone -who I wasn't keen to be close to, but who I should have been- I have known for a while has been diagnosed with lung cancer and a brain tumor. It's still a shock, and her prognosis doesn't look good. Most likely this will be her last Christmas and New Years (her favorite time of the year), and it's just not fair. She's always been kind, eccentric, and doesn't deserve what is happening to her (I have known worse people...). It's been horrifying watching and learning about her condition day by day, and it's just a painful reminder at how short life is and how quickly it can turn around for the worse. Not like I needed reminding, but it reaffirmed my conscience that through all my shortcomings, I am still trying not to let it pass me by. I am still failing, I am still being rejected, but I am still alive. It could get worse, or better, and as long as the power that be allows me to, I hope to stick around and find out.

My sister has arrived, with drinks, and I am ready to see the back of this year. I am wishing whoever took the time to read this a Happy New Year. It looks pretty hopeless out there, but I am rooting for you. ✌🏽

[bananitryithegoatman]

This is horrible and i am really scared.

My family and i (four people) are planning to fly to Germany to try get an asylum there.

Russia is currently about to pass a law that would prohibit trans people medical transition, surgeries and change of documents with NO EXCEPTION. Recently they also passed a law that prohibited any "LGBT propaganda" amongst ANY PEOPLE, not just children now, what they describe as propaganda is vague but taken everything that would include even mentioning your sexuality or gender identity to anyone. They also are talking about opening "Center of studying LGBT's behavior" which is literally, and i'm quoting, would be directed on conversion therapy.

I'm already used to get harassed getting outside, every time, people point at me, laugh, call me names, verbally assault me, once a person tried to fight me for "looking like a f*ggot", and even if i try to do something about it - i can't go to police because here they treat queers like shit. it's almost impossible to find an apartment to rent due to my passport's gender mark not looking like how i look right now, and even if i tried to find a side job besides being an artist i WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO because even tho legally no-one is allowed to deny me work based on my gender, practically - it's a lie, and it's more shameful to hire a trans person than to deny them. And i KNOW that every bad thing i face due to how supported transphobia in this country will multiply when they pass that law, and i don't know if that's just it, there's no guarantee that they won't, perhaps, say that everyone diagnosed F64 must go to their "LGBT behavior study clinic" :) I feel like my life, the lives of my family, is under a threat here. I am GENUINELY afraid to go out alone and i am afraid to leave them go out alone because i never know what's gonna happen to them, i feel like at any moment when i'm not hiding, when i'm just out for groceries there's always a chance for me to get harassed again or even get beaten. I see how people look at me and i see they wish me dead.

I'm certain there will be more laws like this and therefore it's not safe for any of us to stay. If i believed that maybe things get better - now i see they'll get worse.

In september we'll be heading to Germany to seek asylum, we'll try to get refugee status. Me, my partner, my friend and his partner. If we stay - we'll die, either by someone's hands or by ours and no one here would know cause this shithole country doesn't take a crap.

Fly tickets per person is $383 My income as an artist is only around $600, $1000 AT BESTa month. rent + bills is $250. $350 left is spent on food and necessities, i simple won't be able to afford the plane tickets for four people. We contacted all LGBT organisations in Russia that could help us get the tickets, but we're not the only ones who's trying to leave, so i don't know if they'll even respond.

We'll need to collect $1532 to get out of here. PLEASE if you can, help us get out of here, it's really not safe.

Even a dollar or a share of our situation would be of help.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

seeking advice and resources… this is TW (involves a coat hanger and a childhood coochie) all I really remember about my childhood is being extremely aroused and fascinated by sex, by age 10 I was already actively speaking out that I wanted to have sex with others my age or really anyone and I can't remember a time when I didn't feel that way, I remember age 2 and up and even as a toddler I was very sexualized and felt a strong urge to kiss all the boys in preschool and it went on into elementary school and middle and high and so on into adulthood where as a teenager i ended up having a sex addiction that was diagnosed by a professional in the medical field so what i really need some advice on and resources of is why can i remember age 2 and up so vividly but i can't remember anything from under age 2? and also i moved at age 2 from a big city to a small town. and when i was a child i was so curious about sex that i actually took my own virginity by using a coat hanger because i didn't know what i was doing but all i knew is that it felt good but weird but in a pleasurable kind of way. i was around 7 or 8 when i did the coat hanger. i knew it took my card because there was so much blood. and i hid it by cleaning it and throwing it away after breaking it. also i am a millennial and i am diagnosed with ptsd and depression and anxiety and adhd so I'm sorry in advance for this adhd styled submission. i hope someone can provide resources online or a book suggestion or anything. also id love for my mom to understand what ptsd is and how it affects me, i live with her and she has to sort of help take care of me but she doesn't understand what ptsd is idk if there's a book out there for "helping moms understand their millennial offsprings PTSD struggles" and i do see a therapist for talk therapy but it doesn't always help like it should. and again I'm sorry for this longness. if you can re-write my submission and make it less TW or more easy to understand then please do so. i just really don't know what else to do.

Hi anon,

Please know that there is no need to apologize for this ask at all, it's not long and it's easy to understand. While to some degree sexual exploration is developmentally appropriate, it's a bit concerning that you were extremely fascinated by sex, and this can potentially be a sign of hypersexuality from sexual trauma. This article explains what is and isn't developmentally appropriate sexual behavior.

I'm not a medical professional, but while bleeding can be a sign of a broken hymen, that usually indicates that the hymen is in some way malformed, as many people tend to not bleed when their virginity is taken. This article says that the bleeding and pain some people experience [...] comes from stretching or tearing the tissue. The shape and size of a coat hanger could certainly cause bleeding.

It's also important to remember that virginity and the hymen are not inherently related. Not only can your hymen break from nonsexual activities like riding a bike, but the concept of virginity is culturally subjective and has different definitions depending on who you ask. So while it's okay to say you took your own virginity, just know that you can reclaim it if you wish.

The Body Keeps The Score is a great book about PTSD and how it manifests. Here's an article with a list of other related books you could look into. If anyone has any other recommendations, feel free to add on.

I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[recoverychronicles]

Post;

I don’t know if anybody will end up reading any of what i write, if anybody will care about what i write, i guess the only things that matters is how i feel about typing all this out.

If you’re someone that is going through what i did, you’ve recently survived/recovered/got out, i hope you connect with something I’m saying, and maybe you feel less alone. I wish that along my own journey i had someone that cared or i connected to. I felt alone, and everyone that knew about my abuse aided him in gaslighting me, in my eyes that makes them almost as bad as him.

Id say, now 2 years on and sober, I’m doing okay.

2 years sober. Of a slowly inclining addiction. I actually beat it, i came out stronger, i came out the winner.

I don’t have the temptation of using, I don’t have the urge to “just once” have a hit. I get scared taking Panadol for fucks sake. My Endo surgery was a real test to my pain killer addiction, but i came out of that without a bump. I even went to a music festival with them, and yeah I had the thought that i could take some codeine, but I didn’t, i had no need for it. I was too amped up on caffeine.

I don’t have the temptation to smoke weed anymore, I can’t even stand the smell of it anymore.

Sometimes, i wanna do a cap at a concert or a music festival, purely just for the vibes. To be able to experience that in the state of mind MD gives you. However, i can go to kick ons at someone’s house, and rack up lines for others and not even have the temptation to ask for a line, to ask for a bump. I just don’t care for it in that way anymore.

Cocaine. My worst enemy. It’s the one thing I wouldn’t be able to say no to. Every death that has happened to the family in the past year, every terminal illness someone has been diagnosed with, all I’ve wanted to do is buy a bag and get high. All I’ve wanted to do is cope in the best way i know how, with drugs. I know that my god mother would be disappointed in herself, my grandma would be disappointed in in herself, my god father would be disappointed in himself, if i were to react to what happened to them in that way.

I get sad sometimes thinking that i ruined casual drug usage for myself by getting addicted, but some people aren’t built to take it easy on drugs, addiction is an illness, and there isn’t a cure for it. I know that drugs weren’t good for my mental health, hence why i begged him to stop doing them with me, but he wasn’t ready to accept we were both toxic on them and during the come down.

I have officially broken up with drugs.

I have my days where the sexual abuse still gets to me. I think on the other end of the spectrum, i have begun to over sexualise myself, because i was seen as an object for so long, that all i can see myself as. I don’t understand why someone would like me for reasons outside of a sexual nature, that’s something i still have to work on. People prove it to me everyday that that’s not all they are after when maintaining a friendship with me, but the sickness in the back of my mind wont let it go.

I still jump at loud noises, i still snap when something is triggering, i still get shaken up when something reminds me of that time in my life.

I feel i am at a comfortable stage in my healing that this is the right outlet for me. I have done a lot of work and healing to get to where i am today. 2 and a half years ago I wasn’t allowed to work, and now i maintain 2 jobs, where the people like me. I celebrated 2 years sober in August, with the evanescence concert in my state. I have amazing friends who look after me, and cherish me for who i am. They acknowledge that i am sober, and look after me in that regard, they respect me as woman and as a survivor.

It does get better, even if it doesn’t feel like it in the stage that you are in. I promise.

[magicalrobodokiofficial]

New Custom Trigger Warnings for Magical Robodoki!

Added them to better convey the issues of a few select chapters in a cheeky, yet straightfoward way!

In order of appearance:

The Power of Love

"Hey...I don't wanna spoil the surprise...but in today's episode, someone WILL undergo a "Disney Death", as TV Tropes calls it. Don't worry, they get better, and there's no gore, but not until a lot of angst and crying occurs.

To put in as spoiler free as possible, the way said angsty-grieving paragraph is written may upset some people with anxiety or those with a nervous disposition, and the author of this fic felt it was necessary to give this heads up as someone who was diagnosed with anxiety herself. So...uh...yeah! If you're triggered by that sorta thing and don't feel like you're in the headspace to read this, feel free to come back later!

P.S: If you're reading this, hi Bob!"

- Aianna Flowers

****

Hearts Fall, Flames Rise Part 2

"Hey, Buzz Lippman here. Just wanted to let you know that there's a realistic depiction of anxiety in this chapter, which includes an anxiety attack and is filled with...explicit thoughts that people that suffer with anxiety have, and though they don't get any worse than 'everyone hates me, I'm a failure', it could be potentially upsetting to read regardless."

"Hi, Bob's here too! Anyway, the previously stated triggers are a huge focus of the episode. Stuff does get better near the end with the help of her friends-"

"Friend."

"-friend, but if you're not in the right headspace to read this, now you know."

"Yeah! Anyway, I'm gonna get a coffee. Wanna tag along?"

"Sure! For those of you staying, enjoy the episode!"

- Buzz Lippman and Bob Sharp

****

They Blinded Me With Science

"Before we begin today's episode, I'd like to warn you that there is a flashback scene that contains gaslighting/emotional abuse and a realistic depiction of an anxiety attack near the end of today's episode. Also, the entire episode's theme is dealing with the consequences of my dick of a mom...being a dick of a mom. The story is the same light-hearted fare as usual (apart from that flashback scene), but if you'd wish to skip this episode for whatever reason, we won't judge. Hell, I wish I was that lucky."

- Roxanne Flowers

****

Quite a Ricky Situation

"Not to be a fucking prude or anything, but this chapter is slightly more adult in that the theme is about two-timing and flings. As in, the 'short, spontaneous sexual relationship' definition. To put it bluntly, there's gonna be a lot of suggestive mentions about my dating behavior that some people might not approve of, and that's perfectly ok, hon! Just don't read it if that sorta thing triggers ya.

Oh, and there's a major character death too, briefly mentioned, and it happens offscreen. Legal would kick my ass if I forgot that."

- Nate Shapiro

[jeanjauthor]

I once asked my mother a series of questions as a teenager, back in the 1980s.

I would start them with "Hypothetically..." meaning this was just a theoretical question, and not an actual commentary.

I honestly wanted to know what my parents (especially my mother, my closest rolemodel as a (mostly) female teen) were thinking.

Until one day I asked, "Hypothetically speaking, Mom...what would you say if I said I were a lesbian?"

She. Hit. The. ROOF.

She SCREAMED at me, " I'D TAKE YOU TO A PSYCHIATRIST!!"

...You have to understand how bad this FURIOUS statement was. How dangerous it was, the sheer danger I had inadvertently put myself in.

We knew my dad was bipolar, he was seeing a psychiatrist, it had put our family through a lot of pain and heavy days of uncertainty, never knowing when he was "safe to approach" some weeks, on and on and on...and back then, being diagnosed as homosexual was Very Serious, and would get you stigmatized VERY HEAVILY.

They were still locking people up for being Psychologically "Unstable" for Not Being Straight, back then. You could literally wind up in a psych ward for...just being yourself.

My mother screamed at me all manner of horrible, horrible things, while I was backpedalling fast and furious, YELLING RIGHT BACK THAT I WASN'T A LESBIAN, IT WAS HYPOTHETICAL, I'M NOT A LESBIAN I'M NOT A LESBIAN I'M NOT A LESBIAN, IT WAS ONLY HYPOTHETICAL, MOTHER!!!

Nearly 20 fucking minutes of having this screaming match with her, that it was JUST A HYPOTHETICAL QUESTION!!!

...Never, ever did I tell her I was bisexual, until I was in my fucking forties.

AFTER gay marriage was legalized.

I knew I was bisexual in the 1970s, when I was still single-digit-aged, not a teenager.

I didn't dare tell her the truth about myself after that screaming match, until long after she'd been exposed to perfectly fine, perfectly sane people who were friends of the family who were gay, and lesbian, and bisexual.

She finally...finally...accepts that about me. And that I'm genderfluid. Finally.

I had to give up a friendship with someone I had known for years because my parents disagreed with pregnancy out of wedlock, and at the time I had zero way to support myself, so I had to live under their roof.

Imagine how much worse it would've been if I had told the full truth, instead of merely screaming for twenty minutes straight "--It's only a hypothetical question, Mother!!!" just to defend the fact it was the truth. (I'm not a lesbian, never have been, never will be. I'm not confused. I'm just bi.)

...Sometimes you just want your parents to be kind to you, to accept who you are, to watch you grow up and realize your sexuality has nothing to do with how good OR bad a person you are...and that they should still love & support & wish you well.

"We've all got to be fighting that fight every day."

Happy Pride, everyone...