#i wish i could use this blog as a vent account but unfortunately i get scared when people can perceive my thoughts and feelings

[zpp-r]

my self-preservation is innate, instinct.

yet, i am nothing without someone to live for.

[mrs-monaghan]

Another entry. Firstly, Still With Me? Did JK release a new song that I didn’t know about? Secondly, I would rather speculate that a song is about someone then a hand gesture that a lot of people do.

I saw them coming at us for paying attention to numbers and 11/08 even though that's way more real than whatever tf this is. Like... aren't they embarrassed????

Anyway guys, I have an announcement to make.

Attention please!

Thank u ☺☺

Okay so I've been getting alot of frustrated asks mad at tkkrs and antis on twitter, right? Unfortunately I tend not to post them because I don't wanna bring too much negativity on this blog. Especially when some of those things are vile AF. Anyway, the point of this post is, My friends and I are in a Jikook discord and a few of us do this thing on twitter where we fight antis and shit especially when they come to Jikook spaces.

As we know recently a big Jikook account with 15k followers was attacked the other day for liking a post from an anti. But she had no idea that person was one. She just liked the post coz it was Jikook related. It's an easy mistake to make, really. She tried apologising and explaining she'd blocked the anti but these assholes didn't listen. They went though her profile and started commenting under all her regular, normal tweets that she was an anti and should be ashamed of herself or whatever. They were determined to give her no peace whatsoever.

When called out themselves, one account shamelessly said that they were antis and proud. That they didn't pretend that they don't hate Jimin. This really made me mad. It's not the first time they've been quite proud of the Jimin hate they partake in. Tkk accounts will gets thousand of likes on a post hating on Jimin and this ain't right. An anon sent in an ask venting about us being cowards and I agree. They attack Jikookers and these jkkrs end up deleting their Jikook posts. THIS SHIT AIN'T RIGHT!!! Its not.

They do this thing where they move in balk. My friends and I tried to back this account up. Encouraged her not to let them get to her. But it dont matter that 5 people are on your side if 30 people are telling you to kill yourself its just... /sigh/

This account is still running. But they had to unfollow everyone they follow and start from scratch. This ain't right guys. Its just not fair no matter how u look at it. I think we need to start giving tkkrs the same energy they give us.

Simply ignoring them is NOT working. We don't go to them, they come to us. I think its time Jikookers fought fire with fire. Which is why I'm making this post. A few of us had the idea to create a Jikook fighting discord.

If you are reading this and are tired of taking shit lying down. If you have wanted to fight these people but you were worried that you are just one person and won't make a difference. If you see the Jimin hate and wish there was something you could do about it, I come with an offer. Fuck tkkrs. Fuck antis. Fuck solos and fuck ot7 accounts that call out the vermin but then delete their tweets when they start to loose followers. Fuck all these people. Lets do something about this, ourselves.

Tkkrs are the ones causing chain reactions. If they didn't attack Jimin, Jimin solos wouldn't attack V and JK. (Yesterday I saw an art of JK with a dirty diaper and I just...🤮) If they shipped in peace and didn't attack Jimin literally all this shit wouldn't be happening.

I say we give them a taste of their own medicine. So if you see this post and you agree that enough is enough, then come join us here.

If you can't join then spread the word. Time to defend Kookmin and Koominers. Fuck this shit. The vermin have ran rampant for long enough. Photoshopping Jimin getting blown by band pd wasn't enough. Now they're editing him into porn. Guys, they've go10 too comfortable. Let's do something!

1) Create a separate twitter account before you join us. Safer not to use your main

2) ONLY Jikookers allowed in this discord. If you are not one of us we will know.

See you soon. I hope some of you consider. This shit has to stop. Kookminers assemble!!

Bless 💜

[holyfreaks]

Saw your wincestiel post and loved it so much, but unfortunately I cannot reblog it... I'm at an uncomfortable place in the fandom where I'm a heller main but I enjoy wincest occasionally and see no problem with the ppl who ship it, but I know I'd get blocked so fast by so much of the heller community if I ever expressed that. This ask has no real point I guess, except venting to someone who might understand where I'm coming from lol. I just wish everyone could just chill and that there wasn't such a huge divide in the fandom.

ohhhh anon. I COMPLETELY understand. and you're always welcome to come and vent about this in my askbox

I've been in the destiel side of the fandom since like... 2012? 2013? and I was a closeted multishipper until I decided I really wanted to explore that side of fandom and made this entirely new blog just a few months ago. I use my alt name and alt accounts for it bc I was that scared of letting my main know, who are all destiel mutuals. I know some of them would be cool with it, but I know some of them would not. now im at a point where im like eh people can know or not know. but it fucking sucks! cuz like. it's fiction! we should all be having fun with it and not make it into a huge fight.

there shouldn't be a divide. I have found that the people who are rude and mean about it is a minority that happens to be very loud and in your face. doesn't make it hurt any less when they send rude anons and stuff, or god forbid do worse, but it's less people than i was expecting. a lot of people do the normal things of blocking tags and stuff and curating your online experience and minding your own business. and the wincest community I've found is mostly very accepting and welcoming!!!

anyways. basically I'm saying that I'm sorry that you feel that way and I hope you find people who accept that it's all just fiction and we should have fun with it <33

[depraved-gf]

Can I vent? Imma vent. I think you might appreciate the change of all sex stuff. Maybe.

So this is a very old wound, but it still bleeds every now and then. Back ground, I was the weird kid at school. I've always been kind of a loner. And I've always wanted my own "Tumblr girl" story. I met a girl on here and we just clicked. We became best friends, wed talk on a daily basis and spent around 6 hours on the phone once. I fell deeply in love got her, and I will admit; what happened next was completely my fault. I was selfish and dumb, I wanted my romantic version of her to be real and fall for me. I told her I liked her and she didn't like it, she Also had a boyfriend back then. Said we had never met. Oh, yes. That's right. Forgot to mention that. I lived in Mexico, and she was from the UK. Anyway, back then I would use Tumblr a lot more. And had my private blog where I would vent. I had a shit load of posts about her, might have been a tad bit obsessed. But being a Scorpio thats kinda like it is. Well, she somehow found it and freaked out. She asked me to never talk to her again and we'll; we talked about it and tried to fix things but the damage was done and she didn't want anything else to do with me. One year later she blocked me on every social media and her phone. My world came crashing in, and even tho I could have made other accounts and stalk her, I knew she didn't want that. So I didn't. I dealt with my anxiety on my own. How could someone who had seen how much they meant to me, do that? A few years passed and she sent me a message through xbox (we used to play for hours together). She asked me why I had done all of those things. When she sent me that message I had my head in a whole different space, and I missed the message. Could I have fixed things? (Should I also mention she used to read my erotic stories? The last story I gave her to read was one that was CNC, kinda hardcore.) She ended up blocking me because I insisted on being friends. There was a lot I could have done differently. But yeah. That. low key, Still wish she sends me another message one day.

I wanna let you have this space to vent. I hear you and I see you <3 If you need advice or an unbiased perspective, I'm gonna give it below, but feel free to ignore if you just needed that space. :)

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The answer to your question? Maybe. Maybe you could've fixed things, and maybe she'll reach out again. There's really no telling since we can't read her mind.

If she sent you a message years later even asking for clarification, she might pop up again one day. But it's most important that you let her have that space to come back if/when she wants. If you were a little pushy or insistent, along with having a private blog about her and she found it... It can cause some really scary and uneasy feelings, even if you meant well.

But I really wanna address the question: "how could someone who had seen how much they meant to me do that?"

The thing is, she doesn't owe you anything regardless of your feelings to her. I know it feels unfair, especially when feelings are unrequited. I empathize greatly with this and I know how downright painful it can be. I've been there. I'm still blocked by someone I once adored but fucked up with. Ultimately, we both made someone feel uncomfortable and they had the right to block us. And unfortunately, we have to be okay with that.

But again, and I can't stress this enough - let her come to you, baby. By doing this, you her know that her boundaries are respected by you.

Still, overall, I hope you're taking care of yourself. Never forget that you deserve to be taken care of. Go out, get into some really rad new hobbies, sniff some flowers, enjoy time with any friends of family you may have. Take it one day at a time.

Whether you reconcile with this girl or not, there will be other loves that light your soul on fire, maybe even moreso than you've ever before experienced. You're gonna be alright ♡

[abusesurvivorsafespace]

s/a, abuse, stalking tw - - - - - - - - - I wish I could get justice. My abuser assaulted me and someone else. Made us both bleed and they have the audacity to say we did it to them. I couldn't do anything of the sort to someone else, let alone an ex partner. Their own husband even told us how impatient they were, how they have to have their way or they'd pout and have a fit. I wish we would've listened to the warning so I wouldn't be haunted by them. They both spread lies about us. My abuser has a victim complex and a princess ego to them and uses it to their advantage while their husband is their knight in shining armor who defends them on everything. I made a post but deleted it in fear they'd harass me and police scare me again, but they saw it before it was deleted. Their husband posted about me, calling me the sexual abuser and using my hypersexuality against me, but then never touched upon that I stated that they were both abusers. They used to fight tooth and nail that they were the victims, but I caught them lowkey admitting that they were abusers.

I wish I could get my abuser locked up for sexually assaulting me, stalking me, and smear campaigning me with my other abusers they became best friends with. They've done this to several others and only one other has spoke about their shit, excluding me and my deleted post. I'm not sure what to do and I'm tired of living in fear that they'll do anything to get to me. I know people will talk shit and lie, but not to the point it's dangerous and heading to legal territory. I don't want to let them keep that leash on me and I don't want to live in fear anymore. I want them to suffer and be mad that I'm free and healing while they rot. - 🦇🦇🦇

"My abuser has a victim complex and a princess ego to them and uses it to their advantage while their husband is their knight in shining armor who defends them on everything."

^ This is common I hear with abusers all the time. My abuser has a victim complex and a princess ego because she can't take accountability for anything and always has to attack or defend herself or tell people she's "only giving them the benefit of the doubt" while her knight in shining armor is her mother. Protectors of abusers often have Stockholm syndrome if that clears things on why they may act that way.

Abusers unfortunately talk on social media way too much about their victims or they gloat about how great they are (not their victims obviously). Obsessive self-image.

Your feelings are valid. It's common to have violent thoughts about abusers.

"and smear campaigning me with my other abusers they became best friends with."

This, I hear about a lot. My abusers have also befriended my other abusers and they all play DARVO together or one will act as a false witness against me to enhance their fabricated evidence, but abusers will always show their red flags in how they interact with others; word gets around and people have intuition.

I see you, I feel you and I hear you. You're valid and always welcome on my blog to vent. Feel free to add an alias name at the top of your asks if you wish to, you do not have to.

[sunlightandsuffering]

Just watched this YT video about a Reddit story in which a woman is happily married with kids but finds out about her husbands "hidden Tinder account" and basically him "cheating" on her, and after outing him as a cheater to their shared friends and family and divorcing him (and a whole bunch of events), a year later, finds out it was all their neighbours doing by somehow getting the husband's intimate pictures and using them to catfish women on Tinder, the whole post is about her asking how she could make amends with him and repair their relationship it reminded me of your divorce so much you got no idea lmao 😭 as if I was reading the same story again, literally could felt the same hurt this woman and Mikasa felt over destrying a marriage with the love of their lifes over a false accusation of cheating and them trying to fix their relationships Gotta admit I like your EreMika version better, cuz of how funny it is and cuz the reddit story ends with the marriage broken for good and them split up 😔, mainly cuz the husband felt like after everything that happened their marriage was broken beyond repair (even if they still love each other deeply), and I can't think about that for my beloveds 😣 I like to believe they would find a way to love each other again, even if it takes them a lifetime to do it 🤧 Kinda wishing to see how you would wrap the whole thing tbh, gotta love this au for how angsty it and I just need to know if there is a happy ending for them! (Feel free to ignore this ask if you want to tho! either if you don't want to spoil anything or you simply don't want to talk abt it, I know how you feel about talking about this au ever since your blog got flooded with ppl slandering Mikasa for it) (This a little vent off but Redditors are really a different breed I swear, they left comments on the woman's post blaming her for not being able to foresee the future and realize he wasn't cheating on her, as if she didn't have reasons to believe her husband was cheating, like I understand the husband had it way worse but she was a victim too ffs)

omgggg reddit does always have the wildest stuff I agree lol, like u never know what the fuck ur gonna read. But that's so heartbreaking ugh! But this is kind of what I wanted to achieve in divorce AU, like it's no one's fault, but I wanted angst where no one could really be blamed it was just circumstance and unfortunate misunderstandings! JUST LIKE A SHOUJO MANGA LMFAO !but don't worry i ALWAYS give happy endings, u can count on me for that, I'll never end something with angst I just don't have it in me lol.

but that's so heartbreaking for the couple, hope they fucking sewed that neighbour or something omg like that's awful, he literally broke up a marriage!!! ruined lives!!!

But yeah ur right the whole divorce au idk i haven't touched it in a while bc for a bit there it was getting so heated lol, and I don't get paid enough to field everyone arguing with each other in my ask box and arguing back myself lol, it's just too much effort. I'm definitely down to give it a happy ending though I just need some inspo, I'm like trying to remember where I left off with it and I think the last thing I wrote a drabble for was angst lol?? Where they were fighting in Eren's hallway or bedroom or something? And before that was the seafood drabble LOL!!!!! I'm trying to think of how I could resolve it, I'm down for happy suggestions if you have any anon!!

[furvillaconfessions]

Link to the image, since I know Tumblr might make it too small: https://imgur.com/a/h0J9j9z

Sorry this is quite long. I don't know how to say this shortly.

MarshmallowChocolate, I know I'm just an anon, but can I tell you something? You were told posting about this blog is against the rules and yet, you still keep the posts up because you think "this is something i'd rather keep up just to acknowledge that hey, this isn't right". Why? Do you want to get an infraction on your account? Because this is how you get an infraction. You're not above the rules, after all. 

I agree bullying anyone (minors or not) sucks. But here's the thing, this isn't a bullying blog. This is a drama blog, where people vent about FurVilla related things. Does it at times turn into bullying? Yes, unfortunately, it does. If people are hating on you because of something you do, you should stop and think about it. If you're at fault, try to improve. If you haven't done anything wrong and people are still bullying you, that's on them and they're just petty people who you shouldn't care about. Why should a stranger's opinion about you matter? By complaining about these people, you're pretty much just fueling the fire, so the people who have something against you will keep on posting about you here more and more. I know it sucks, but at times it's best to just ignore what the people say here, unless it's genuine advice, then you should consider listening/reading. Again, fueling the fire is a bad idea and you'll only get more trouble that way.

Also the way how you said "the type of tabs they're keeping on minors is just so uncomfortable" is weird. People here don't follow minors only. Plenty of adults have been called out here too (for good, bad and petty reasons, really), this isn't just some blog dedicated to following and bullying minors. It just so happens that it's mostly minors who do things that annoy the anon users here, so they get talked about here. Again, the anons are just venting and that's fine. It's normal to vent, even if it seems dumb.

About the whole kin joke thing, I personally assumed it was a joke, but that's the problem with the Internet - it's hard to tell tones. That's why I wish people would use tone indicators (helpful site about them: https://toneindicators.carrd.co) more, especially when joking about things like this. That way anyone could tell you're joking, instead of assuming that you literally forced your friend to kin a character. Not everyone can understand you easily without tone indicators, especially neurodivergent people might possibly struggle with this and take it the wrong way accidentally.

Also while I'm at it, I'm assuming m0nzter checks this blog too? I'll just add this anyway - if you've been called out on this blog many times, you should think about why it's happening. Like I said above, if you're at fault, try to improve. If you haven't done anything wrong and people still have a problem with you, you're not the problem, they are. Some people, unfortunately, just get too obsessed with drama and hating on others. It sucks, but that's just how the Internet is. I do wish the Internet would at times be a bit more forgiving, especially over some harmless mistakes.

We all could learn to be kinder.

[strwberrytae]

So Long, Farewell, and Goodbye For Now -

“I don’t know how you are so familiar to me—or why it feels less like I am getting to know you and more as though I am remembering who you are. How every smile, every whisper brings me closer to the impossible conclusion that I have known you before, I have loved you before—in another time, a different place, some other existence.”     - Lang Leav

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Hello, You ♡ Yes, You. You ethereal, beautiful being. I am writing to you with bittersweet yet wonderful news - depending on the perspective. I am writing this post to inform all of you that I will no longer be writing for this blog for the foreseeable future. What I mean by that is that I am not giving up writing forever, no. But my life has changed so much over the last two years, I do not see myself writing again for quite some time. But don’t worry! I will be back!

Below the Read More section, I have poured my heart and soul into the real reasons why I’ve made this decision. I warn you, it’s lengthy but it’s everything that has led up to this over the years. So, if you fancy, have a read. If not, I bid you farewell and wish you all the happiness in the world. Thank you for supporting me so far. I truly appreciate it and love you all very dearly. Now, if you wish to read it at a later time, I will have a link available on my page at all times for anyone who is curious. It’s a hell of a story if you ask me ~

Edit: Made by Me - also, a surprise photo at the end Warnings/Triggers: Talks of emotional abuse, depression, and suicide but also happiness and love -

When I first started this blog, it was 2016. I had been on Tumblr for over a decade now but BTS led me to writing passionately for 2 years. I was incredibly active and utterly consumed by this website. Not just for the writing, but I was so obsessed because of my friends and mutuals that I made along the way. Can I just say that I’ve met some incredible people on this platform - including my best friend and soulmate? Truthfully, the absolute best friend I have ever had. But more importantly, Tumblr was my greatest escape. I mean this website truly has been my saving grace through very dark times.

In that part of my life, I was in an extremely toxic relationship; by then, it was 6 years I was with him. He was emotionally abusive, had such a short-fuse temper, hated everyone I knew which led me never really seeing any of my friends after college, knew I was anorexic and did nothing to stop me, knew I had depression since we started dating and always argued it as if it wasn’t real, crushed my dreams and ambitions, mocked potential suicide attempts, expected me to just abandon all hope to ever leave home to explore someplace new or get a job that I actually love. He was...just the worst. Never hit me though, so I’m grateful for that. But sometimes I wish he would so it would have given me the voice I needed to get out of that relationship much sooner than I did. But regardless, because of him plus having a soul-sucking job that wore me down to the core, Tumblr was my escape. BTS was my escape.

I fell hard and I fell deep. I created a fantasy world within this world. All of my dreams, fantasies, desires, and hopes were poured into my writing. My imagination was running wild. My activity was through the roof because I was always on here day in and out, just pretending like the outside world didn’t exist. It consumed me...but I needed it. Looking back, it was pretty excessive. At the time, I seemed perfectly normal because everyone else was just as active and saying the same things and doing the same things. I felt a belonging, like I fit in.

But I hated the person I became. It took me getting yelled at, mocked, ridiculed, and belittled by my ex to snap me out of that illusion I built and back into reality. That was the roughest night that we had filled with lots of screaming on his end and crying on my part. He thought my obsession was sick. He thought it was disgusting. It all started because he found fake texts I had made with Jimin and Tae. Don’t recall the story it was a part of but he thought they were texts with the actual members… In my eyes, I should get credit for making them look so legit but he didn’t see it that way. He thought fangirling over men was essentially cheating. No matter how hard I tried to explain, he didn’t understand. But a part of his view was right. I learned that I was a bit too much into it and I really needed to take a step back from Tumblr for a while. So I did. I deactivated my account and disappeared for months. Also because he made me and threatened our relationship if I didn’t. Should have taken the out but ah well.

Just two months prior to this incident, I attempted suicide. Well, contemplated. Everything was planned out. Bought a hotel room for Thanksgiving night as I was working a super late shift until about 1-2am. My commute home was an hour long and I still had to come back to work at 7am. So I got a room. Brought a large amount of pills with me and I was going to call it. No notes written to friends, family, or loved ones. Nothing. I was done. Didn’t think anyone would miss me. I just figured the world would keep turning without me. I had thought about doing this several times before but this was my first time making plans for it. It was my lowest of the low. But then I met someone that night that changed my life entirely just in a 10 minute interaction of talking - nothing special. We’ll get to that later. But this person just gave me hope and to this day, I still can’t explain it. It was euphoric. I felt clarity. It was in that night that I thought I might hold out just a little bit longer.

And thus @strwberrytae was born - but it was far from the same. At first, I restarted the blog in secret. Why would I do this? Why would a 25 year old open a blog in secret? Well, two months after the awful fight, my ex proposed to me and I said yes. I know. Believe me, I know. I was scared. My depression was getting worse again. I no longer had an escape except for books. All I did was read so I had some sort of reality to be in besides my own. But returning to a brand new blog did not give the same satisfaction as returning to an old blog.

I worked so hard on my first blog and this redo, I tried to consider it as a gift. Perhaps this was a chance to start anew and rebrand myself. This optimism kept up for quite some time. Slowly, I added my favorite past works then added some new chapters. If you’ve been here with me since 2017, you would know that my appearance on Tumblr was still not the same. Then I got married in October.

An empty, loveless marriage that I regret to this day. Needless to say, my writing and activity on Tumblr was still practically non-existent as I was still too scared of getting caught. Even though he finally gave me permission to use it again because he could tell how miserable it was making me. Yes, gave me permission. Thankfully, it all ended after a year. I finally went to a therapist even though I hated them so much and all past therapists I had. She was pretty great. Within five sessions, I summoned the courage to break up with this guy. I was finally set free. Nearly 9 years together and I finally felt like I could breathe.

Unfortunately, although I was free, I had to live with the guy for about 5 months after the breakup. Which was beyond rough, believe me. Imagine someone writhing in pain and bawling their eyes out and venting non-stop about all of their faults and wrongdoings every single day. At the end of the day, as shitty as he was to me, he was my best friend too. We went through a lot of shit together and he did have some good sides to him too. So witnessing this was horrendous. Needless to say, I wasn’t getting much privacy either. Writing was not my top priority. Now it’s 2019 and things changed drastically for the better - and worst.

Remember the person I met in 2016 on Thanksgiving night? Well, that person is someone I crushed on every since that night. For 2 years. People, I’m telling you. He did absolutely nothing special that night. He didn’t flirt with me. He didn’t check me out. He didn’t do anything remotely to make a girl swoon but I was so drawn to him. The only word that could describe it was “cosmic” - beautifully cosmic. 

Well in January 2019, 2 months following my break up, he came into my store one day. And my god did he look incredible. He was dressed head to toe in black - a fitted black suit at that. He even wore this long, designer jacket to match. Hair shaved on the sides with beautiful, thick dark hair on top. So tall - 182cm. A smile that could kill; quite literally. The canines are on point. He looked like a five course meal. That day, he definitely flirted with me. By the end of the week, we had our first date. Sadly, I also lost my job in the same week and was unemployed for a year because no one would hire me. I was laid off and one of my seniors took my job. Of course, they needed to keep me around for the holidays and then give me the boot. I was devastated. I hated that job so much as it only aided in fueling my depression but losing it was definitely an amazing thing. And! I survived on my savings and definitely didn’t spend my time writing. I had life to sort out last year - like from the ground up. No worries though. I got a job in February 2020 and I love it, so it’s all good, baby. Now I’m in the health field and feel like I’m actually helping people, which I love.

Now, here we are 2 years later and I’m engaged to the man.  Someone who makes me smile everyday, believes in me, encourages me, let’s me be 100% myself, travels with me, taught me how to love myself, taught me to accept my body, gets me on a level that only my best friend could, and someone who goes above and beyond every single day to show me how much he loves me. Bonus, he welcomes my love for BTS with open arms, reads my writing, AND has even been sucked in himself to the fandom. Jungkook and Jimin, look out. You got another fanboy. I thought true love was impossible for me but I was very, very wrong.

He has shown me that I can be happy and I have finally experienced true happiness. When people ask how I’m doing, I don’t cringe and lie through my teeth. I smile and say that I am doing well because by George, I am. Everyone around me has seen me over the last two years and made the comment, “you look so much happier”. They meet him and swoon just as much as I do. Is he perfect? No, he’s not. He has flaws just like everyone else but he actually grows and learns from his mistakes to better himself. That’s what amazes me the most. Even if we argue, which is seldom, he refuses to let it go without resolution so we can always fix whatever the issue is. As we like to call it, we’re in-sync. In everything, we’re always so in-sync. I’m wildly in love, my dudes.

So, why am I not writing anymore? To put it simply, I’m happy and don’t really feel the desire to write anymore - at least not fanfiction. Even when I was super young, like elementary school, I used writing as an outlet for my dark escape. I wrote poetry primarily and by middle school, it turned to fanfiction for Supernatural, Simple Plan, and Panic! At The Disco. Along with a very long list of other bands and shows but anyways. I’ve been severely depressed since I was 15 and fanfiction put me in this hole that I couldn’t get out of. I relied on this method to help me get through all the bad shit I was dealing with. It was my coping mechanism.

Now? While depression never truly goes away as the lovely disease that it is, I am genuinely happy. Because of this, when I opened all of my past works and works in progress, I felt nothing but guilt. Guilt for not keeping up with my chapters or keeping my account active. I felt dread to have to escape in this world that I had created. I felt no joy or excitement. It was the strangest feeling that happened all in a matter of seconds. Thus leading to my final decision to take a step away from writing. Do I still love it? Absolutely. But now I think I’m going to re-route and focus my writing on what I love - reality. I’m going to get back into journaling and write essays about love and beauty as I’ve always loved to do. But for escaping into a fantasy world? I don’t know when I’ll be back.

Now I know what you’re thinking. “But you can write and be happy!” Nah fam. Writing has been my aid through dark times and now I mostly associate it with those dark times. And for once in my life, I feel this desire to enjoy reality and remain in it - with the exception of journaling here and there. Even daydreaming is difficult. It’s strange. I love my reality. This sounds like gloating now but it’s truly a remarkable feeling. When you’ve been battling depression for 15 years, it feels really freaking nice to say that I’m happy.

So that’s why I’m taking a break - in a very long, drawn out way. But my hope was that after this long story, you might understand truly why I am doing this. It would have been easier to just say that writing doesn’t bring me joy anymore but I feel that I owe more than that; especially because I really don’t know if I’ll write for this blog ever again. The last time I took a break, I disappeared without being able to explain myself and I wanted to do so now that I have the chance.

Ultimately, thank you to everyone who has stuck by me over the years. It’s truly been one hell of a rollercoaster. The friends I’ve made on here have seen me at my lowest of the lows. But hey! I’ll still be around. I just won’t be publishing or continuing any of my works anywhere in the near future. Seriously though. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. This website has helped me tremendously and I’ll never forget it. Besides, there’s lots of other exciting things happening in my life now so you’ll certainly see me pop in here and there to talk about it ♡

If you wish, you can message me for questions or anything you want to know. I’m an open book - at least about most things hehe. And don’t worry. I still very much love Taehyung and still wildly obsessing over how marvelous he is. Umf.

(here’s some recent photos of me as i rarely take selfies anymore haha. and a derp photo of me and the man i love >_< why is the cutest photo of him with the worst photo of me? still cute though hehe)

[koreanoreo]

So I Made A Tumblr...

Hi! I’m KoreanOreo from Ao3, Wattpad and Fanfiction.net. If you’re here than you probably know that, if not then Hi! I write fanfiction to improve my writing so I can eventually, hopefully, publish a real book.

If you’re here then you’re probably wondering what’s going on with my on-going stories.

It’s been a while since I’ve updated any of my stories besides Hinata!!! on Ice and I left a some pretty cryptic posts on my Instagram about what’s going on. Unfortunately, Instagram isn’t really useful for long-winded explanations which is what lead me to creating this account.

The short version is that last week (March 31, 2021), my uncle unexpectedly passed away and I need time to deal with that (mostly by avoiding my very family/relationship centric fanfictions and fanfictions that deal with very sad character deaths). I’ve mostly been dealing with it through drawing.

The long version is a bit heavier.

Despite that, this account isn’t to talk about my mental health or vent to cope or post depressing content all the time. It’s to keep you guys up to date on where new chapters are and their progress.

For sure I won’t be writing anything for at least the month but I will be drawing more so I implore you to check out my side-blog for my art @artsaura and if you wish to support me further, please consider purchasing something from my redbubble

Before proceeding, I’m offering a bit of a content warning: The explanation below is extremely long and talks about heart attacks, depression, eating disorders, anxiety, family death, and mentions of self-harm. It gets fairly graphic and detailed. If you are triggered by any of this please don’t read on any further. If I sound a bit detached, it’s because it’s easier for me to deal with all this.

On the evening of Wednesday March 31, 2021, my uncle suffered a massive heart attack while he was alone at home. His wife, that he recently married in August of 2019, was at work and she came home to find him on their couch not breathing with only a faint pulse. She had him rushed to the hospital and my dad (my uncle’s younger brother) and my aunt (their younger sister) rushed to meet them at the hospital. 

At the time no one really knew what was going on or if he was going to survive but I didn’t actually think he’d pass away. I was worried about it but it was mostly just my anxiety. At worst I was expecting him to slip into a temporary coma or suffer some minor cognitive impairment.

About an hour and a half later we got the call. I was in my room and my sister came in sobbing saying “We lost him.”

At first I was numb, I didn’t cry, I didn’t really feel anything. None of it felt real and I a big part of me didn’t believe it. When I finally started cry even that felt fake. I felt like I simultaneously couldn’t stop and could stop easily if I needed to. It was strange. I had a hard time smiling and even things that would normally crack me up couldn’t make me laugh for a while that night. At the time, we still didn’t know what was going on or why he’d passed away.

When my father got home from the hospital we finally got an explanation.

At one point, either in the hospital or in the ambulance, his heart and stopped and they managed to resuscitate him. When they did he was completely unresponsive and had no brain activity. Based on some quick research I assume it was caused by going too long in cardiac arrest before getting help. He wasn’t breathing when his wife found him and we have no idea how long he’d been in that state. The hospital kept my uncle alive long enough for the family going to the hospital to say goodbye. My dad, my aunt and my grandmother decided that keeping him a vegetable for the rest of his life isn’t what he would want and decided to pull the plug.

I made the mistake of doing some research on brain death which ended in me becoming more depressed because everything was basically saying that he might’ve gotten better if he was given a bit of time. All of this happened within hours and everything I read said that people supposedly brain dead should generally be given a few days.

Over the last few days it got a bit easier to talk about, planning the funeral and all that and at the moment I feel okay. But I know as soon as I walk through the doors of the funeral parlor I’m going to break down again.

About 15 months ago, just before Christmas is 2019 my paternal grandfather passed away. It wasn’t necessarily unexpected, he’d been sick for years and had only been getting worse so it wasn’t really a surprise--although the timing was especially terrible. It felt a bit different than this. We had been waiting for it, even expecting it--it didn’t really make it easier but it felt less wrong. 

This was completely unexpected. There was no warning. About 10 days earlier I’d seen him at my cousin’s 21st birthday celebration. We were joking and everything was fine. In the days leading up to his heart attack his stomach had been bothering him and the day before he’d said he was feeling better. Aside from that he was a mostly healthy man, a bit overweight but otherwise he took care of himself--especially since we’re all aware that heart problems run in the family. He ate healthy, he was semi-active, he took care of himself. We really have no idea what caused it or if it could’ve been prevented.

Going a little further back, in January my dad and I caught Covid and were pretty sick for about 2 weeks. My dad’s sister called us just after New Years saying her and her husband tested positive and since we’d celebrated Christmas Eve with them, we all planned to get tested too. The next day I was hit with symptoms. In the days leading up to it I’d had some minor headaches, but the day after learning my aunt had covid it got especially bad. My sinuses felt like they were the size of grapefruits, I had full body aches I couldn’t really breath, at one point I had a minor fever (never exceeding 100℉/37.7℃) and I couldn’t taste anything. I couldn’t focus on writing because of the headaches and it was just overall a bad time. Even now, months later, I still have breathing problems from it which only makes my insomnia worse (along with the anxiety of suddenly not being able to breath in my sleep).

On top of that, back in November I relapsed in my eating disorder (if you want to get technical, I was just dealing with BED in between bouts of anorexia but that doesn’t make a difference) and for the past year or so I’ve been fighting the urge to start cutting again. The emotional drain my uncle’s passing is putting me through is only making it worse and my only semi-healthy release (weed) isn’t readily available atm (and my parents don’t really support it so I can’t do it at home anyway).

That’s pretty much everything important. If you made it through my emotional rant then thank you for listening. Thank you for all the support you’ve given me over the years. I’ll be back in a month or two.

Again, if you wish to support me and my work further, please consider buying from my redbubble.

~KoreanOreo

[rendezvous-ramblings]

TC Experiences: Submission #1

Note: I left the entire post exactly the way the person submitted it. I gave my personal reactions/opinions in the form of comments to avoid making this post too long. Trigger Warning: mentions experiences that are emotionally abusive and predatory. It might be disturbing for some audiences.

Hello, I quite like your blog! You seem very good at giving advice. I just wanted to vent about my past experience with my tc because I feel like you’d understand. You don’t actually have to answer this. Years ago I had this charming teacher who I fell for, and he was known to fall for younger girls and actually dated some ex-students, one of them I knew. Since he was my tutor our talks increased, and he seemed to know about my crush for him, and it even felt like he was hyperfocused on it. He would often bring the conversation round to enamourment or would constantly mention that I was very young or that we couldn’t be together, basically. Finally, an older woman who was like a friend to me adviced me to tell him about my feelings for him, as she didn’t think he was interested in me and would be more careful to not seem interested if he knew. But I had the feeling he knew, and that he specifically saw me as a girl in love with him instead of a student, because he acted strange and said strange things like I should tell my mother about it so he wouldn’t go too far, or he was afraid someone would find out about us, while there was nothing explicitely between us. I must say, and I’m very glad for it, that he didn’t touch me. I dressed as a nun, so I wasn’t provoking him in the first place ;) but in general I wasn’t very flirty. This was my first experience with the other sex and I was quite shocked that it was a teacher twice my age, as I’m sure was the case with many other girls in the tcc. I was very confused all the time, didn’t speak to my friends about it, but I wasn’t afraid that he would cross a border.

Eventually I tried to tell him, but couldn’t find the words - so he told me. And he was so mature during the conversation, for once not really clueless and helpless and insecure, but a mature man who was kind and understanding. He said having a tc was normal, that it meant that I admired him (which I really did then), that he felt honoured - but couldn’t do anything with it. The summer passed, and the student he was rumoured to have a secret relationship with graduated, and they started dating on and off (hurt a lot). Meanwhile his behaviour returned to the same, but even stranger; he would basically try to get my attention, then decide that he didn’t (or shouldn’t) want it. This confused me a lot, since I was “grieving” the fact that he sort of was in a relationship (and the girl started working as his colleague), and when he would often bring her up during conversations, mention her good grades, hold her hand, and then study my face (to see if I was jealous?), I felt degraded. A felt like a toy he used to boost his ego, then throw me away when he didn’t need me anymore, knowing very well I was in love with him, and that I was a “sentimental” girl. I thought that perhaps he didn’t know how to deal with my crush properly, or even that he did have feelings for me and didn’t want to act on them but couldn’t completely ignore them, but it was more likely that he hurt me and didn’t even care, and I was angry he would treat a student this way. I must say, I wasn’t completely innocent in this, as I asked him a lot, emailed him a lot, wanted one on one conversations, and sometimes he would take a step back (not emailing me back, declining a conversation). But I didn’t try to seduce him, nor tried to be as close to him as possible. When I was angry and lost my respect (but unfortunately, not my feelings) for him, I emailed him nasty things (about him being an asshole), and I regret it deeply. He didn’t respond, or try to discipline me, but I could see it affected him, although he forgave me fast for whatever reason.

The thing I hate most about him is that he wasn’t open to talk about how this crush (and his behaviour) affects me when I needed him to, but that he was the one initiating extremely personal subject matters and bluntly insinuating he knew everything I felt, nervousness, jealousy, things I desperately wanted to conceal. I didn’t want him to see me as weak, someone desperate for him. I wish he never spoke to me about being in love (I wish I never requested conversations), that he didn’t let me know he knew. Then graduation happened. He didn’t congratulate me, while he stood right by me. I had the highest exam results for his class, and the previous years he would publicly hand out gifts to such students, but he didn’t even look at me during graduation, and send me a book at home. I still don’t know why, but after graduation I felt comfortable enough to tell my friends about this and they adviced me to email the school about his behaviour being potentially harmful to his students. I didn’t want another girl to go through this rollercoaster of emotions because he or some other teacher wanted a plaything, so I emailed the school saying he never went too far, never touched me, but that he should be more responsible around his students (which I tried to tell him before, but if I said anything this confronting he wouldn’t quite answer, or change his behaviour). I didn’t know if the school would do anything, as there was this big scandal with a former student of his but they didn’t do anything about it, but I thought that there would be at least someone, a counsellor perhaps, to listen to a girl who experienced the same - with him, or with another teacher. Apparently, the school gave him a bit of trouble for it (I don’t know what, I just know he wasn’t fired, which I didn’t want of course, I wasn’t trying to punish him). And he sort of blamed it on me, suggesting I was clingy, which disgusted me. That was years ago, and I’m glad I’m over it, I’m glad I didn’t go too far, kissing him or flirting with him while he was my teacher. All of this is an experience - it was fun, it was painful at times, but I’ve learned that I could “survive” a broken heart, and that boosted my ego a bit :) One day maybe I will become a teacher, and I hope to have a positive affect on my students, so that they know that school’s important, but so are their feelings and their well-being. Teenagers are quite sensitive and me and my friends felt like teachers didn’t always take that into account, so I think talking about these things is quite helpful.

[shewas-agaystripper]

The Clinic: Part 17

The Clinic: Part Seventeen

Brian is sent off to Queen Mary’s Psychiatric Hospital to cure his depression and borderline. His roommates, John in particular, help him push through this difficult time in his life

Hello dear people! I can’t believe it’s actually happening, but here she is – the final part of The Clinic! (Or that is – the last part of the storyline within Queen Mary’s Psychiatric Hospital. There will be an epilogue coming up in a few weeks, which I think you’ll all enjoy a lot, because it contains good news for all of our boys!) But for now I really hope you’ll enjoy Part 17, and please let me know what you think!

Please feel free to talk to me and shoot me messages/anons! I’m feeling kind of lonely on my new blog still :s

P.s. Normally I’d link all the previous chapters here, but as SOMEONE @staff) deleted my whole entire blog, they’re now gone. If you haven’t read the previous chapters yet, or would like to reread them first, here is the whole thing on my AO3 account!

Have fun reading, and any sort of feedback or suggestions is appreciated!

The two weeks between the nerve-racking meeting during which Brian’s parents had signed the paperwork that secured both his and John’s immediate future after Queen Mary’s and the day of the reassessment judgement passed like a hazy blur in Brian’s experience. It was both the most and the least stressful time he had spent at Queen Mary’s; the most and the least joyful; the fastest and the slowest passing; the most relaxed and the most tensed; the happiest and the saddest weeks in his books of the mental institution. 

The death of Drew seemed to affect everybody present in one way or the other - and for most people it came as a positive change. The removal of arguably Queen Mary’s biggest bully and most violent patient left many feeling safer going out of their room in the evening, and Brian was sure that staff - even though no one openly spoke about the matter - was relieved to no longer have to guard the place as strictly as before, or spend as much time on keeping Drew in check. A bonus was that the murderer, who had been Clyde’s most important right hand, had been delivered to a prison in wait of his judgement - something Brian had heard the family of the guy had made a huge scene over, but Queen Mary’s didn’t budge and refused to take back a murderer in broad daylight. At last a decision Brian could get behind.

However, with the death of Drew and the removal of whoever the guy who had stabbed him into his unfortunate fate was, a shift in power dynamics had taken place at Queen Mary’s. Clyde, although weakened after the expulsion of his right hand, was still the leader of his pack, but Drew’s clan had fallen into disarray like a middle school class when left to vent for their own by their teacher for five minutes. Jake had never been anything more than a puppet that blindly followed all of Drew’s instructions, and he was never going to be the one to be crowned with the questionable honour of being Drew’s successor. There were a few other figures, though, who had all unanimously decided in their mighty wisdom that they would be the best choice to now rule over Drew’s collection of angry adolescents. To prove this point to the population of Queen Mary’s they went around the place slamming doors in people’s faces and shouting abuse at random passers-by, but most of the actual violence they reserved for each other in an attempt to show their strength. It reminded Brian of an anecdote his tenth-grade history teacher had told his class about three early medieval cardinals who had all declared themselves as the pope and excommunicated each other time after time in pursuit of their goal. As long as they left him and his friends alone, Brian didn’t care a straw for these patterers showing off their non-existent strength.

Something that did affect him, however, was the continuing lack of structure, routine, and professional staff around at Queen Mary’s. Things had been tight since the day Brian had been admitted, but with now even less staff around the place - as a result of staff cuts and people leaving the institution because they no longer felt safe at their jobs. Especially the kitchen team was hit hard by the changes, and attempts were made to have patients fill in the spots of the people who had taken their leave. 

Needless to say, this proved to be a disaster; almost nobody voluntarily signed up to peel potatoes or wash the dishes, and absolutely not a soul turned up for the corvee-schedules the head cook fabricated. When eventually random patients around the place were simply rounded up and ushered into the kitchen to help out the remaining staff, they had been creating more troubles than they solved. Food fights were a classic trick at Queen Mary’s, of course, but never before had patients had access to the large variety of kitchen knives. It had taken less than two days before people of Drew’s and Clyde’s gang had winded up in the kitchen together, and the stab accident that followed had made staff decide to just abandon the participation project altogether. Now everyone simply had to either work harder or wait longer, and more pre-made food was bought and prepared. It didn’t exactly taste good, but luckily the patients at Queen Mary’s had never been used to any form of luxury whatsoever anyway. 

A bigger problem was that besides the kitchen staff also the actual medical staff had suffered losses. After Ariel, the group leader of another therapy group had also left the place; the official story was that she suffered from a burnout, but Brian had learned over time not to automatically trust official reports issued by Queen Mary’s. What he did know was that the group this therapist had left behind, had now been mashed up with his own, leaving Jasper on his own to handle twenty-five depressed young men. Nolan, being the hero that he was, often joined his co-worker to help him - but even his presence could not keep the group under control. Group therapy now a mess, personal sessions with psychs now became more important to most people - but just like everyone else at the mental institution, they were busier than ever before also. People who had previously been in touch with their psychs every day now only got to see them every other day, and those people only once a week from now on. This did not matter too much for Brian personally, but he was not too happy about Freddie and Roger seeing their psychologists less than they used to. Of course there was no proof of correlation, but Brian did feel that Roger slipping into taking Valium could be linked to the lack of support and security around the place. 

On the other hand, the all-absorbing chaos of the place did mean more leniency and less people to look over their shoulders at all times - which meant that John had made a run for the kitchen to provide breakfast in bed multiple times, and that no one really said anything about them making music in their bedroom for hours on end. Most of all, it meant that Freddie had managed to have his family either directly give him or smuggle in numerous cosmetic items, which he was now going to put to the test on Brian’s unwilling hair and face. Ushering the half-awake man into the bathroom shared by Rooms 40 through 49 at an ungodly hour in the morning, Freddie put his makeup bag down on the sink and gestured for Brian to come on over.

‘Hop on up, dear! We’ve got no time to lose,’ he declared impatiently yet enthusiastically, landing his hand on the white surface of the sink platform he apparently wished for Brian to perch himself on top of. 

‘It’s barely six o’clock,’ muttered Roger, who followed behind. He had similarly been pulled out of bed by his over-enthusiastic boyfriend a mere five minutes ago, and him rubbing his eyes ever since was a visible testimony of how tired he was.

‘Yes, but there’s a lot to get done! It’s going to take a while,’ Freddie said.

‘You’re saying I look bad?’ Brian lifted an eyebrow.

‘Of course not! You look fine, dear,’ Freddie shushed. ‘But I just want to touch you up a little. Give your face some more colour and make your eyes pop out a little. Maybe define your lips somewhat… And get rid of these blemishes around your nose. Do you think I should line out his jaw some more?’ Freddie now turned to John, who had leaned back against the wall across from the sinks as he regarded the early morning spectacle from as much distance as he could possibly create. 

‘Yes, and maybe also draw out his nose and give him pink coloured lenses,’ John said quasi-thoughtfully. ‘Fake lashes and a forehead high enough to host a picnic on. Cut off all of his hair and give him a wig à la Diana Ross.’

‘Very funny, Deacon,’ Freddie rolled his eyes. ‘But now that we’re talking about his hair anyway… I think it could use some washing, moisturising, and blow-drying. Then afterwards I can properly comb it through and put in the curls again with setting spray.’

‘No brushing!’ Brian protested. ‘Unless you want me to look like a drowned poodle, don’t brush my hair.’

‘I don’t see how that would make you look any different from usual,’ Roger shrugged.

‘Oh, you’re terrible. Go make yourself useful and get me a chair,’ Freddie said to his partner, before he turned back to Brian. ‘And you get on top of this sink now, will you?’ He gave Brian a light smack against his bottom, which, although not at all painful, was unexpected and therefore made Brian yelp awkwardly. 

‘Might I remind you that I am the only one allowed to touch Brian’s ass, or tell him what or whom he is to get on top of?’ John commented from the sideline.

‘As if Brian would ever top. I have to laugh,’ said Freddie - which made Brian sure that if he had not been blushing before, he sure as hell was doing so now. He hoisted up one leg to the fake marble platform, planted his knee on it, withdrew it again, and then put it back again. It was a near military operation to perch himself up there, being all long limbs and of awkward height - not to even mention his fear of breaking down the whole damn construction. If it was of the same quality the average Queen Mary’s furniture was made of, he might end up on the floor with the whole sink platform below him.

‘Don’t worry, you can sit on it,’ said Freddie, as if he could read Brian’s mind. ‘I do it all the time.’

‘Very comforting to hear that a glorified scarecrow can sit on this piece of painted hardwood,’ said John. Brian knocked on the surface of it to find that his boyfriend might not even be far from the truth concerning the material of the thing.

‘I’ve seen Clyde standing right on top of it once,’ Freddie shrugged. This at last restored some faith in the sink to Brian; if a near-bodybuilder like Clyde could stand on it (he decided to not linger for too long on the question of why Clyde had a cause for doing so), then certainly he could sit on it. Placing his hands on the platform for a second time, he again put his knee on the sink, hoisted himself up, and turned around until he sat with his bottom as far back on the platform as possible, with his back leaning half against the wall and his feet dangling over the edge.

‘See? Nothing to worry about,’ Freddie said. ‘Now, you’re just gonna have to shift to the light a little - turn to me, dear. Yes, that’s better. Or maybe…’ Freddie stood on his tiptoes to put his hand on Brian’s chin and face it in the correct direction, something that to Brian felt a little strange at the very least. He had never been exactly comfortable with people touching him, and especially not when it was done before notifying him first. On top of that, having someone fiddle around with his appearance was something he was not very used to - especially not when this was at six in the morning in a questioningly clean semi-public bathroom with a range of makeup and grooming supplies he had never seen before. It had been Freddie’s doing, really - if it hadn’t been for his friend having decided that he would make a better impression on the jury if he looked like the Queen of Lombardia, Brian still would have been in bed, arms firmly around John and sleeping in for as long as they could until Nolan would eventually come pick them up for the trial that had been planned for that early afternoon. It certainly would have been better for his skin to have gotten some more sleep, Brian pondered when he got a glance of himself in the mirror; the bags under his eyes were going to take some serious product and talent to fully cover up.

‘You could work at Madame Tussauds with all of that repositioning you’re doing,’ said Roger, who burst through the door with one of the dingy rattan dining chairs he had taken from their bedroom. Freddie was still busy adjusting Brian’s face in the right angle to the light, and did not look up at his boyfriend. 

‘I’d rather become fabulously famous and have my own statue at Madame Tussauds, darling,’ he said haughtily, gesturing towards Roger to move the chair over. Roger planted it down next to Freddie, who took visible trouble to step up on the seating platform. Roger reached out a hand to help him steady and readjust the chair so he was positioned in front of Brian and next to the sink to put down the ungodly amount of items he had brought with him. 

‘Are you sure this is a good idea?’ Roger asked as Freddie balanced unevenly on the chair.

‘My dear, I have nothing but good ideas only,’ smiled Freddie.

‘Then why are we up at six?’

‘Because!’ Freddie squealed loudly enough to make John put a finger across his lips to gesture that he had to be quieter. ‘Because I’m going to make Brian glow, and show all of those dumb judges that he’s doing better than ever and taking good care of himself and ready to leave this place behind.’

‘And that’s going to take seven hours?’ Roger asked.

‘No, it’s not. But we need to practice what to say to the judges and how to answer their questions also.’

‘Brian and I have already done that a hundred times,’ said Roger - and to Brian, this did not even feel like an exaggeration. Since the moment he had been told he would pull through to be reassessed - no, since the moment he had decided to take a reassessment, that was - he had been eager to practice what he should say or do once he was to be faced with the people who were to decide on his fate. He had received a lot of support from the people around him, with John helping him fill out all the paperwork, Freddie helping him with the diary he had been asked to keep, and Roger by preparing him for the questions he was most likely to have to ask during his trial. Nevertheless, he felt the nervousness getting to him now that the day was finally there, and it did not surprise him one bit to hear that Freddie wanted to go over all they had practised from their waking moment to the second the door of the meeting room would close behind them.

‘But there is no such thing as too much preparation,’ Freddie said.

‘And yet that seemed to be exactly what you complained about last night when I wouldn’t get on with it,’ Roger grinned.

Freddie rolled his eyes. ‘Hush, you. Get me a washcloth and the face wash.’

‘I’m your servant now?’ Roger raised his eyebrows.

‘Yes, so maybe you can make yourself somewhat useful still on this trying day,’ Freddie answered with a tired smile that betrayed that there was no real malice behind his words. Roger, surprisingly, did as he was told, and Brian was asked to close his eyes and cant his head back a little. Even though he washed his face at the sink every morning, the coldness of the washcloth as it was brought up to his face was startling still. Freddie wiped his face down with it, covering his whole face with the thinnest layer of moist. The cloth then disappeared and he heard the faint click of a bottle being opened. He opened his eyes to see Freddie rubbing a substance of some kind between his hands, which he then applied to Brian’s facial skin. Seeing the questioning look on Brian’s face, he said: ‘Just a facewash, love. Don’t tell me you never use that.’

‘I just use water,’ Brian shrugged, the movement of which made Freddie’s fingers accidentally rub the facewash on his lips instead of his chin.

‘Same here,’ John said.

‘You’re lucky if I wash my face at all,’ Roger snorted. Freddie sighed deeply.

‘You’re a bunch of barbarians, really. I can’t believe they’re about to let two of you go.’

‘It’s a disgrace, really,’ John said. ‘Brian and I are really going to get out there and do things like washing our face with water only, and not making the bed every morning. Maybe I’ll even wear the same boxers for two days in a row.’

‘I’ll eat fruit without rinsing it off first, and not wash my hands after I sneeze,’ Brian added.

‘You’re driving me crazy,’ Freddie sighed as he wiped the face wash off Brian’s skin. ‘As long as you promise to wash your hands after going to the toilet.’

‘After?’ John asked. ‘I thought one was supposed to do that beforehand. The exact opposite of when you prepare raw meat and then wash your hands after.’ Freddie nearly dropped the washcloth to the floor as he turned to John with a jaw that almost did the same. 

‘Just kidding,’ John grinned after having let Freddie stare at him in disbelief for a handful of seconds.

‘John! You nearly gave me a heart attack!’ Freddie squealed, and he sent the cloth flying into John’s direction. John caught it with ease and buried his face in it, rubbing up and down a few times, before he threw it back into the sink with trained expertise. ‘So, that was my personal hygiene for today.’

‘I’ll refrain from commenting on that,’ Freddie groaned as he dug through his makeup purse and fished out something that looked oddly similar to a razor. He picked up a bottle from the sink platform and squeezed out a foamy substance, but it was only when he started spreading it along the lower side of Brian’s face that the pieces of the puzzle really fell into place for Brian.

‘You’ve got a shaving razor?’ he asked in surprise.

‘Mh. Yes. I got sick and tired of having to shave under the supervision of a staff member,’ Freddie parroted with his nose drawn up to ridicule the average Queen Mary’s employee. ‘So I snuck out to steal a few shaving razors on my own, and had my parents bring me shaving cream during visiting hour.’

‘And no one noticed- of course no one noticed,’ Brian answered his own question. If they had, after all, he would not be sitting here with Freddie spreading shaving foam along his jawline with one hand and the other hand wrapped around a disposable shaving razor.

‘This place is the biggest joke I’ve ever seen,’ Roger snorted.

‘Speaking of which, anyone want some breakfast?’ John asked. ‘If I go now I can get in there before the kitchen staff arrives.’

‘I mean, I could do with a croissant and some coffee,’ Roger said.

‘Same for me, please,’ Brian mumbled as best as he could now that Freddie was covering his lower face in a somewhat excessive layer of shaving cream. 

‘You, Bulsara?’ John asked.

‘If you can get your hands on some cucumber, that’d be great,’ Freddie said without looking up from his subject.

‘If you think I’m gonna let you get away with eating a single slice of cucumber for breakfast then you’re mistaken.’

‘Not to eat, silly. To put on Brian’s face later on.’

‘Scuse me?’

‘To make these bags under his eyes less visible! You really all are the enemies of personal care, are you?’ Freddie asked.

‘No, we have our own methods against bags under our eyes. It’s called sleep,’ John said, after which he flashed Brian a wink, turned on his heel, and paced out of the bathroom. 

Strangely enough, it was after John - usually the quietest of the pack - had left that they fell into a comfortable silence. Brian allowed Freddie to shave him, which he did with a minute precision that made Brian wonder if a single beard hair would ever dare to grow back on his face. Roger was given a reprimand for using the same washcloth to wash his face as Brian and John had previously done, and was then sent away to fetch a clean towel and probably to grant Freddie a second of rest. He returned right in time with John, who provided coffee and croissants and yoghurt for everybody - and who brought a cucumber large enough to supply the entire population of Queen Mary’s, staff and clients, with cucumber slices to put on their eyes.

Roger attacked his croissants with fervour, and John tried to slip Brian pieces of his in between Freddie’s makeover session. They could not tell whether Freddie was too busy with brushing out every single blemish and every possible crease in Brian’s face to think about having breakfast, or if he was actively working to avoid having to eat - but, suspecting that the latter option played at least a factor to some extent in the matter, John took to spoonfeeding Freddie yoghurt in between the acts. Roger willingly posed as Freddie’s assistant and handed him creams, concealers, and brushes when his partner asked him to. Brian just sat back and tried to enjoy - or at least relax - as much as he could this unusual treatment he had been submitted to.

In this fashion, half an hour or so slipped by almost unnoticed, until Freddie suddenly realised that the luxury of having the bathroom all to themselves was soon going to be a thing of the past when the people staying in the other rooms at their wing would wake up and start pouring into their space. Luckily for him, living with an antisocial personality disorder for years on end had taught John all the tricks of the trade. He summoned Roger to get a pen and paper and paper and another chair from their bedroom, and himself he fetched a piece of tape from a broken table in the hallway someone had clumsily tried to fix. He used the paper to write a sign which proudly boasted ‘OUT OF ORDER’, put it on the outside of the door, and then locked it by putting the chair right beneath the handle. Surely enough, not even five minutes later the first people arrived for their morning shower; but, upon trying the door a few times and finding it stuck, they quickly left the place with a string of swear words.

‘Do you think staff will figure us out?’ Brian whispered at Roger when what must have been the fifth person in line was rattling the doorknob.

‘Probably not. They’ve got other things on their mind - and since the door is locked on the inside and has an out-of-order-sign on it, they’ll just let it be.’

Roger was right - a few more frustrated fellow patients tried their luck at opening the door (one of whom almost managed in an outburst of pent-up frustration), but after fifteen minutes or so, the attempts had died out completely. This gave Freddie the opportunity to resume his work on Brian’s face; a thin layer of powdered foundation had been applied, and he now worked away the bags under Brian’s eyes with a concealer. He darkened up his cheekbones a little, and then decided to get started on Brian’s hair, which he declared was going to be ‘quite a task’. Indeed, he worked on it for nearly an hour; washing it and blow drying it, putting God knew what sort of setting sprays and curl definers in it while fluffing it up into a mass of tight, shiny black ringlets that graced Brian’s shoulders and which bounced back when he pulled at them - something Freddie told him not to do, but which Brian could not resist. To prevent the curls from sagging down or falling out of their desired shape, Freddie applied a mist of hairspray to them big enough to keep Mary Antoinette's wig from slipping, after which he told Brian to take a look in the mirror and see what he thought of the result.

Brian was surprised when he looked at his mirror image, and in the positive sense of the word. His face looked young yet masculine, without the usual dark circles around his eyes; similarly, his lips were shiny and the area of his mouth did not show any creases or blemishes. His hair was a vast but glorious mess of curls that shone in the light and fell around his face as a dark halo. He had never known that his hair could look so voluminous, so healthy and shiny and yet so natural and /uncomplicated/. He had always struggled with his hair - both with keeping it decent and with accepting it the way it was - but Freddie really had made him like it for the first time in what must have been years, and possibly could have been for the first time ever.

‘And? What do you think?’ Freddie asked.

‘It’s beautiful. I love it,’ Brian declared with the broadest smile. He leaned forward and caught Freddie in a hug that his friend obviously did not anticipate, for he squealed and clung to the rattan backrest of the chair he was half-standing, half-leaning on. Once he realised Brian had him safely in his grip, however, his terror faded and was replaced by happiness, and Freddie allowed an equally bright smile to shine through on his face.

‘And I’m not even done yet!’ Freddie declared enthusiastically. He carefully detached himself from Brian, and rumbled through his makeup bag until he fished out a small black stick that Brian had to squint at to find out its purpose.

‘Eyeliner?’ he asked.

‘Kohl. Just a little at the outside of your eyes to make them pop out,’ Freddie beamed. Although both Brian and the rest of the men present in the room had their second thoughts on the idea, Freddie talked them into allowing him to try it out anyway - and in the end, a thin layer of it smudged out ever so slightly to the midst of the lower eyelid was met with everyone’s approval.

By the time all the face and hair care had been done, it was past eight o’clock, which meant that virtually all of Queen Mary’s inhabitants were to be expected at breakfast. The four men of Room 41B decided to take a shot for their room; Roger was the one to be brave enough to remove the chair from the door and peek around it, first for a mere second and then for a long enough time to establish that there was nobody to be seen in the hallway. They then took a dash for their door, one by one; Roger and John with a chair under their arm, Freddie with an armful of bottles and tubes, and Brian with the makeup bag and towels which had been left behind. Once they had returned safely to their room Brian ran down the hallway one more time to tear down the homemade out-of-order-sign, which he crumpled up into a ball and threw into the toilet. On his way back to the room he silently prayed that it would not cause a congestion and cause the bathroom to actually be taken out of order for the upcoming time. 

Already having taken breakfast in the form of John having brought them coffee and croissants, once they retreated to their bedroom they unanimously made the decision not to emerge from it again to mingle with the rest of Queen Mary's inhabitants for shared breakfast in the canteen. Rather, they spent the time feeding Freddie small pieces of the croissant John had brought for him (and ignoring the protest Freddie made against taking such a 'calorie bomb', as he called it). They made him comply in the end by promising they would then get down to have Freddie pull off whatever kind of stunts he had in mind with the cucumber he had made John take with him from the kitchen, which sulkily made Freddie swallow the last bites without too much audible gagging. 

John, being the genius that he was, had taken care to take a small potato knife with him from the kitchen. It was large enough to cut the cucumber into slices, but small enough to either hide or dispose of pretty easily. Freddie cut enough slices for everyone to put on closed eyelids, and a few extra for Roger to eat (with a not so subtle comment that he should eat some vegetables at times, which Roger in turn said he did, and which started quite the discussion about vitamins and minerals between the couple). John and Brian, in the meantime, took the moment to appreciate Brian's almost entirely renewed skin and softened curls. They then took to their bed to have a seat again while the others bickered about their eating habits - it was, after all, still early in the morning. They remarked that they might even go to sleep again soon. Nolan would not come to pick them up for another three or so hours, so they might as well get a little more sleep. 

Freddie, on the other hand, clearly had other plans than 'sleeping away these precious hours'. Once he had cut up the cucumbers into the most irregular slices Brian had ever seen, he ordered them to lie down flat on the bed and have him put the items of food on their eyes. This went down with lots of laughter and screeches at the unfamiliar feeling and coldness of the vegetables against their closed eyelids, which in turn evoked Freddie to call them a bunch of barbarians again, although this time he did it with a smile. The singer also started fussing about Brian's hair again now that he was lying flat on the mattress while his hair had been styled with an exorbitant amount of product and care just ten minutes ago. Unfortunately for Freddie, there was little other alternative if he wanted for Brian to have the cucumber slices evening out the by now already non-existent bags under his eyes. Roger's idea of putting the slices on Brian's eyelids and keeping them in place with Freddie's suede sleeping mask was cheered on by everyone apart from the owner of said item, who seemed indignant at the idea that people would even think of putting his precious Japanese suede sleeping mask to that purpose. In the end Freddie won the battle of the suede mask, but was thereby forced to have Brian recline with his head on the pillow. 

To Brian’s surprise, it wasn't even that bad to have Freddie try out his weird homemade remedies for bags under the eyes that would not have been there in the first place if he just would have been allowed to sleep in until a decent time. Maybe it was because he was getting used to the feeling of being pampered, or perhaps because he knew he had the rest of his friends hanging around him looking like clowns just as much as he did. They fell into a short moment of silence upon all having settled down on their respective beds, but it was soon broken up when the sound of crunchy vegetables being torn into pieces reached their ears.

'Roger!' Freddie called out instantly.

'What? What else were you gonna do with half of a cucumber, put it pack into the kitchen fridge again?' Roger around a mouth still half full of remains of the last bite of vegetable.

‘At least he’s eating his veggies,’ John shrugged, the movement of which made a slice of cucumber tumble off his eye and onto Brian’s shirt. It left a somewhat damp spot on Brian’s uniform shirt, and he was glad Freddie hadn’t seen the incident. With his current nervousness which outed itself by striving for absolute perfection, he would probably have a stroke if he noticed a stain on Brian’s clothes.

Speaking of nervousness... Brian had forbidden himself to think about the upcoming trial too much, but he definitely felt an uncomfortable tension in the pit of his stomach - one which had followed him for days in a row by now. Although it must have started as early as the moment he had signed the first official paperwork concerning his wish to leave Queen Mary’s, it had grown gradually worse over time, with the peak of it coming down upon him in these last few days. The last paperwork and diary assignments had needed to be completed the other day, and it had taken his friends an hour of pep-talking him to go down and have his last talk with Sarah and Doctor Fisher concerning the Judgement Day, as it had come to be referred to by now by everyone around the place. Being as rare as it was, his reassessment track and all that came with it had become something of a public spectacle that all people at Queen Mary's, regardless of how close they had been to Brian, were currently engaged with to some level of the other. It was the talk of the town, as a matter of speaking; it was the only topic his by now therapy group of twenty-five people were interested in talking about, and the thing strangers continually tapped him on the shoulder for to either question or advise him about. Even Freddie, Roger, and John were not exempted from this treatment, and especially the former two - who tended to go out more often - returned with stories about random people questioning them about Brian’s reassessment on the daily. All the attention was something Brian could definitely do without; it made him nervous knowing that so many people looked at him as he was trying to fight his sentence at Queen Mary’s. How many people would look down upon him if he failed, how many people would laugh at him and ridicule him if he didn’t succeed?

‘Are you nervous about this afternoon?’ John asked, plucking a strand of hair out of Brian’s face. Brian sighed.

'More than I’d like to admit,' Brian said. 'I’m mainly afraid of having to face all of those staff members and judges and whoever more will be in that room...'

'Would it feel better if we won't be there?' Freddie asked from the sideline. 'You know, having fewer people to worry about...'

'No, I want you to be there,' Brian told him. 'I want people who support me there. I want Sarah and Nolan and Jasper and you guys - I just don't want the other people there. The jury and the people from the medical board and the director of Queen Mary's.'

'I'm afraid you can't exactly have a judgement without a jury, darling,' Freddie said. 'But I understand what you mean. It's never exactly comfortable having to put yourself out there around those people, but we'll be there for you. And your parents will be too, won't they? Or does that just make you nervous?'

'Somewhat,' Brian said with a breathy laugh. 'They support me, but I know that they'd rather have me stay here at Queen Mary’s until my treatment is over. Although… since I’ve told them about the chaos around here, they seem more sceptical about this place. The murder of Drew didn’t seem to sit very comfortably with them when I told them about it on the phone the other day,’ Brian said in what must have been the understatement of the century. His father had been indignant that no police investigation was going on at the place, and his mother had been hysterical at the idea of what could happen to him if people at Queen Mary’s could literally get their hands on knives and commit murders inside its walls in the broad daylight. He did not mean to stress his parents out, but it felt good to know they supported his possible homecoming more whenever they heard of such atrocities. 

‘Well yeah, I should hope that they’re not comfortable with murder,’ Roger snickered. ‘Because regardless of how much we all hated Drew, that really was disgusting.’

Brian nodded weakly; he kept remembering the last words Drew had spoken to John and him. He kept remembering the sincere look on his face as he wished them well; and though it did not in any sense of the word make up for all the pain and hurt he had pulled both them and everyone else at Queen Mary’s through, it had shown the human side that Drew still, deep inside of him, had possessed until the very end of his life. 

‘For how long do I need to keep these soggy cucumbers on my eyelids?’ John interspersed in an attempt to keep up the atmosphere.

‘Another fifteen minutes or so,’ Freddie said.

‘Oh, but then we’ll miss our therapy groups!’ Roger exclaimed with the biggest grin on his face, which told the people around him that he absolutely did not give a straw about his group sessions. None of them did, in all honesty - but as Brian was the only one who had officially been given leave to be absent on that day due to his obligations elsewhere, the others were officially required to show up at their therapy sessions. A short discussion broke loose, which was more of an enumeration of all the reasons why they should not go rather than a real contemplation of the pros and cons of following Queen Mary’s schedule - and unsurprisingly the result of it was that they all decided to stay in to have a chat while plucking some guitar strings. Freddie proposed a classic game of mensch-ärgere-dich-nicht, which they languidly played in between finishing up the last preparations for the judgement that afternoon.

‘You filled in all of your paperwork?’ Freddie asked while rolling the dice.

‘Yes. Mister Fisher collected it all and will bring it with him to the meeting.’

‘Your mental health diary has been filled in for each day?’

‘All covered.’

‘You know where to go and what to do?’

‘Be at the staff room at ten to one, shake hands with the judges, then take a seat next to Mister Fisher, who will make a case for me. I just have to be quiet unless I’m being asked to open my mouth, and appear as strong and mentally stable as possible,’ Brian said with a slight twitch of the lips. 

‘Have you prepared a speech?’ Freddie asked. Brian frowned.

‘Speech? It’s not his graduation, Fred,’ Roger told him. ‘At most they’ll ask him some questions similar to the ones he had to answer for his portfolio of whatever one wants to call it, and we already practised those a hundred times.’

‘Well, but you never know! They might ask him to defend his case in a beautiful, heart-felt soliloquy…’ Freddie clearly poured out his heart into this idea, but Roger just snorted.

‘This is not a business pitch where you try to receive a million-dollar loan from some kind of business magnate,’ Roger laughed. Freddie joined him, and even John gave them a grin - but Brian himself could not treat the idea as a laughing matter. Ten minutes later, when Freddie won the board game with a glorious victory over all of his roommates, Brian still found himself caught up with the possibility that he might actually have to explain his case in detail to all of the people present in the room who were ready to judge his every word. Of course he had prepared answers to short and basic questions - such as why he thought he was ready to leave, what he had learned at Queen Mary’s, or which plans he had made to prevent a fall-back in the future. But what if he could not provide such a deep-going speech that combined high levels of emotional security with lessons from the past and promises for the future? What if despite all of the paperwork provided which all professionals who had helped him on his journey here told him would almost surely free him from Queen Mary’s, the jury would turn him down for his own clumsiness with words? What if Doctor Sumner saw it as his window of opportunity to put him down and keep him at Queen Mary’s for as long as he could?

This question - and others concerning the nature of the judgement and the personality of the judges - continued to bother Brian over the course of the hours the group spent in each other’s presence. By the time lunch rolled around, he found himself having too little appetite and too many worries to get out of the room and go downstairs to the dining hall. The prospect of being flooded with glances and questions and tips and tricks from people who had never shown a single interest in him until the moment his attempt at reassessment was made public upon presenting himself in the canteen did not exactly encourage him any more. John was not very much in the mood to suffer the same treatment, so in the end it was Roger who dragged Freddie down to the canteen and promised to stuff some sandwiches in his pockets for the roommates they left behind. The idea of this did not sound too appetising to Brian, but he decided not to dwell onto this fact for too long. Instead, he gestured for John to come join him on his bed again. While he continued to pluck at the strings of his guitar, John settled down next to him and started carding a hand through Brian’s curls, then quickly moved downwards to stroke his arm when he realised Freddie would probably kill him if he put a single lock of hair out of its original place. 

‘What are you thinking about?’ John asked when the silence turned a little too long even for his liking.

‘I wish it would all be over,’ Brian sighed. ‘This entire circus show around my trial. It’s no one else’s business apart from ours.’

‘I know, honey. Soon it will be over, and it will be all between the two of us again.’ Brian received a kiss on his jawbone, and a string of promises of how good it would be when they’d both get released from the institution. The smaller the gap between the present and the hour of confrontation grew, the larger Brian’s feeling of insecurity and doubt became. What if he could not deliver the version of himself the judges wanted to see? What if he would disappoint everyone after so much work they had all put into his revaluation?

Freddie and Roger returned to the room after less than fifteen minutes, and - true to his word - Roger had taken two splashed sandwiches with him. They looked flat and soggy as they emerged from his trouser pockets, but Brian was coaxed into eating his anyway by John, who insisted that he could not go down to the judgement without having eaten something first. The mere mentioning of the word ‘judgement’ made Brian’s stomach turn. 

Between the bites of his soggy peanut butter and jam sandwich - a culinary decision he would not have made on his own, but which turned out not to even be that bad at second thought - Brian was bombarded by questions from Freddie, who asked him if he had all the papers, documents, and answers ready for everything the judges might possibly ask from him. After all, the meeting was going to be in less than fifteen minutes - a fact that Brian started to realise he could not change with every one of these minutes passing by on the round clock hanging above the door of their dorm room. 

It was a quarter to one, and Brian had just finished the last bite of his sandwich, when a knock on the door caught them all off guard - and, as seemed to have become tradition overtime, Freddie was the one who hoisted himself off the bed and flung himself at the door. He opened it with his usual enthusiasm to reveal not only Nolan, whom they had expected, but Jasper and Sarah on top of that.

'Guys! We didn't know you were all coming down here?' Freddie said as he gestured to the staff members to come in. Brian could see from his corner of the room how Jasper made an attempt at entering, but Sarah pulled him back by grabbing his arm, reminding him of the limited time they had until they were expected to show their faces at the meeting. 

'Emotional support, we thought,’ Jasper smiled, and Brian, although he was not always too sure of having too many people around him, appreciated how they had all come down to meet up with him here. Unfortunately for him, it turned out that the staff members involved in the process were not the only ones who had made the journey to Room 41B - when he followed John’s example of standing up from the bed, he could make out the figures of a few other men over Sarah’s shoulder. Judging by their grey t-shirts, they were neither part of the jury nor did they belong to the staff of the institution, and must thus simply be guys with a sense of morbid curiosity trying to get a view of the unusual scene that was about to go down.

Luckily, it was Nolan who addressed the bunch. ‘Jack, Paul, Eli, and all the rest of you - please leave us some space, will you? You can go downstairs to watch the whole thing and you know that.’

You can go downstairs to watch the whole thing and you know that. The words hit Brian like a baseball bat, even though he did not know for sure what Nolan meant with this. Did he simply say this to get everyone out of their way, or was he referring to how downstairs they could see the entire party descend into the meeting room? Or was there perhaps a literal meaning to the words Nolan had used to shoo away the unwanted spectators?

Freddie was quicker to pull himself together than Brian was. ‘Excuse me? Go downstairs and see what?’ 

‘Why, the meeting, of course,’ Jasper answered without batting an eye. 

‘The meeting? It’s public?’ Roger now mingled himself into the discussion. 

‘They always are. Just like court cases - they’re public unless stated otherwise. I thought you knew that.’ 

Brian felt John’s eyes travelling travelling over to meet his, but he could not look back at his partner. In fact, he could not look at anything apart from the doorknob his gaze had fallen onto since the second the possibility of an open judgement had dawned on him - something that was now confirmed by a single careless sentence falling from Jasper’s lips.

‘Oh, well, excuse us for not knowing the practices and traditions of the English legal system by heart-’ Freddie started off bitchily, but Jasper interrupted him.

‘No, what I meant was - I thought you’d been told this. They were supposed to tell you this. They didn’t tell you?’ Six pairs of eyes flung back to look at Brian, who feebly shook his head in a form of response. 

‘I don’t think any of us knew this,’ John spoke on behalf of his partner. ‘Who exactly are ‘they’ when they’re at home?’

At the question of this, Jasper turned to look at Nolan and Sarah. ‘I thought you were going to tell Brian this, Nole.’

Nolan in turn shook his head. ‘No, Sarah was going to. She’s his psychiatrist and leads this process of reassessment.’

‘No, Mister Fisher does. He’s supposed to be in charge, and I thought he was the one to tell Brian?’ The audible question mark at the end of Sarah’s sentence revealed that she, just like her male co-workers, had no idea of how exactly things had been arranged concerning who was responsible for passing on which part of information to Brian. The person affected decided not to dwell on for too long on the possibility of the staff having forgotten more than just this one not entirely trivial fact, which might in turn be detrimental to his chances of leaving Queen Mary’s.

‘Okay, so basically this was communication at its finest,’ Sarah said with a breathy half-giggle, but she checked herself in time, probably understanding that as typical and non-surprising it was that such a thing happened at Queen Mary’s, it was not exactly funny to Brian, who would now be given exactly thirteen minutes to prepare himself for the idea of having to submit to his ordeal in a room filled with God knew how many nosy men who came to watch how he kept himself standing in front of the judges, hoping for juicy details or a nervous breakdown or whatever it was that they were after.

‘And now? Brian is supposed to just accept that there’s going to be a flood of nosy bastards snooping around during the trial because no one here talks to each other?’ Freddie asked crankily. He was obviously not happy about it, and neither was Brian himself - but, knowing that making a scene about the matter now would only make things worse and might even affect his chances of getting out if word of it reached the judges. Better buckle up and keep his calm as much as he could.

‘It’s fine,’ Brian mustered. ‘I can deal with it.’

‘You sure?’ Roger sounded a tad worried.

‘Yeah, sure. I won’t have to talk to any of them anyway,’ Brian said, a lot braver than he felt inside. 

‘You won’t even have to look at them. They’ll all be sitting behind you anyway,’ Jasper said in what must have been an attempt at comfort. It served the exact opposite in Brian’s mind. He knew it was irrational, but somehow the idea of a sea of people being able to view him from behind while he could not look back at him made him nervous.

‘Shall we go, then?’ Sarah proposed. ‘The sooner we get there, the more time you’ll have to get yourself settled.’ Everyone turned to Brian, who simply nodded. He reached out a hand for John to help him get up from the bed, and he followed his friends out of the room. John stayed behind him with a hand on his back, as a silent force; a silent way of telling him that he was there to usher him through the hallways that turned out to hold even more nosy fellow clients than Brian at first had been able to see from his view in the bedroom.

'Everyone out of the way, please,' Nolan said with a fierceness that one would not normally attribute to him.. 'You can go downstairs to watch it all - leave Brian to have some peace now. You would want the same if you were in his place.' 

Part of the audience obeyed Nolan's speech and got out of the way, part of them did not. Brian decided not to pay too much attention to them. How could he anyway, now that he was caught up in a whirlwind of thoughts about the upcoming process? How would the judges react to him, how would their first impression of him influence their judgement of him? What would his parents do when they saw him from their view in the meeting room? Would they smile, cry, would they be proud of him? Or would they still keep to their previous judgement that he should stay here and finish his treatment?

‘So are there any more surprises we should keep in mind?’ Freddie asked while the party clattered down the stairs. ‘Are there going to be journalists to report the whole thing? Cameras and microphones? A press conference afterwards?’ 

‘None of that, no,’ Nolan answered. ‘Only a registrar to take notes for future reference, and to allow the board to see if the judgement was carried out according to the protocols.’

‘What, so they can overturn the sentence if they feel like it?’ Freddie asked in the same sarcastic tone he had been using ever since the forgotten clause of the apparently public meeting had come to light. 

‘No, that won’t happen. Just to reflect on the judges’ work. See if no favouritism or prejudice was used to come to a conclusion,’ Nolan said. This last sentence, Brian had to admit, made him feel a little better - apparently there were rules in place which would prevent Doctor Sumner from blatantly turning his case down just because he could. Then again, if the decision made today was to be final, nothing could be done if Sumner decided to sabotage the judgement anyway. Brian was unsure if he should feel comforted or alarmed.

They continued the way downstairs in silence - or that was, silence from their part. The men who had gathered around them and who had been waiting for the caravan to descend the stairs made enough noise to make it nearly impossible for Brian to hear his own thoughts. Maybe this was a good thing, though - his mind was racing and he could not find a single positive or uplifting thought among the whirlwind in his head. 

‘Brian, good luck!’

‘Tell them what we think of this place!’

‘Flip the judges off on my behalf!’

The things people around him shouted at him - some of which were genuine wishes, others just hopes to make him stick it to Queen Mary’s and the mental health care system in general - reached Brian’s ears as a slow-motioned hurricane. He felt queasy, but with the help of John’s hand on the small of his back to guide him, he managed to keep his eyes straight on the figures of Freddie and Nolan, who led the way to the meeting room. 

Brian had never been to the meeting room before. He had been vaguely aware of its presence, and had heard his caretakers speak of meeting up at the place. He had not previously known where exactly it was located in the staff wing, but it became clear to him soon enough when he saw hordes of people moving around one particular room all the way down the corridor. Some of them pointed upon his arrival, others clapped; some took it as a sign to go in and take a seat, others remained in an attempt to catch another look at him. Brian felt like a celebrity who had fallen from grace through a scandalous sex offence, and who now had to answer for his actions in front of an audience already bent on judging him for his crimes.

‘Out of the way, please,’ Nolan called out - and, when people only partially listened to this wish, he simply pushed his way through the crowd. It was not the behaviour Brian would normally expect from his cool, calm, and collected mentor, but he did not blame Nolan even one bit for his no-nonsense approach to the dozens who had gathered outside the meeting room. In fact, he was rather grateful that Nolan showed the men that he was not to be messed with for the time being - it certainly made part of them scatter and disappear into the meeting room.

A downside to having these people leave the hallway and claiming a spot in the meeting room, however, was that now a pathway to the door emerged - a pathway through which Brian could cast a glance into the room in which he was to present himself in a few minutes. It was not a pretty sight, to say the very least. The room, although he could only see the back of it through the limited sight he could catch of it through the door, seemed absolutely packed with people. They were sitting on rows of chairs provided, leaning against the walls, sitting on the floor in front of the chairs - they were everywhere. It was as if the entire population of Queen Mary’s had come out to see the trial. It would not surprise Brian if this was actually the truth: with no institution-wide activities going on at the moment, and little else to do around the place anyway, a public meeting in which a client tried to defy the judgement of his own mental health caretakers could be viewed as a spectacle on its own. 

‘You’ve got to be kidding me,’ Freddie all but exclaimed at the sight of the crowds. ‘And everyone just conveniently forgot to tell us this? That the entire fucking place would come out to have a look?’

‘It really was an accident,’ Sarah said feebly, before being pushed aside by someone rushing into the room in an attempt to get a seat still. 

‘Thanks, that really helps,’ Freddie grumbled. ‘So we’re not gonna be able to be by Brian’s side? Sit somewhere close and be there in case he needs us?’

‘I’m sure Brian is gonna be alright,’ Jasper said. ‘He’ll have to do this on his own anyway.’

Even though Brian realised that Jasper meant these words as a comfort, it really hit him hard that he did, in fact, have to do this on his own. He did ae to go in there and have unironically two hundred people look down upon him while a jury compiled of undoubtedly mental health experts who nevertheless knew nothing about him were going to decide on his fate. If he had Even though Brian realised that Jasper meant these words as a form of comfort, it really hit him hard that he did, in fact, have to do this on his own. He did have to go in there and have unironically two hundred people look down upon him while a jury compiled of undoubtedly mental health experts who nevertheless knew nothing about him were going to decide on his fate. If he had been nervous before about this latter fact, the presence of the entire institution on top of that made him break out in cold sweat. He could not do this - not in front of all of these people. The image of all the people rushing in and out of the room, the sound of their chatter and laughter and screaming - it all mashed together in a blur of sound and visual that reached Brian as in slow motion. He could not do this.

‘Brian?’ It was John’s voice that spoke to him somewhere in the distance. ‘You’re quiet. Are you holding out?’ He turned his face to look at John. His eyes were too intense and too prying, and Brian took a step back from him. He bumped into someone behind him, who seemed to verbally lash out at him but who fell into muttering apologies when they saw who he was. None of the words reached Brian in any intelligible form, and as John approached him, he stepped further back until his shoulder blades bumped into the wall behind him. The people he’d come to the meeting with now all gathered around him, seemed to ask questions, but none of them reached him. Someone - presumably Freddie, judging by the black-tipped fingernails - put his cold hand across his forehead, and someone else pushed a plastic cup of water in his hands. He did not drink of it, however; and the next thing he knew was the cup being taken away from him and its contents being splashed in his face. This sobered him up enough to hear Freddie squeal something about being careful with his makeup, but most of all, as he blinked a few times he could make out the image of John standing in front of him with a now empty cup and an expression that told him he was not to be messed with.

‘John…’ Brian managed feebly. John pushed the empty cup into someone’s palm so he had free range of his hands. He placed them firmly on Brian’s shoulders.

‘Look, Brian. I know this is overwhelming but you have to pull yourself together. The judges are ready to see you. It’s time to step up and do this.’

‘But all… all these people,’ Brian brought in.

‘I know. I know you don’t want all of these people here, and neither do I or Jasper or Nolan or anyone else. But you know what? All of those people are here because they support you.’

Brian blinked at his partner, only to discover that John seemed to be serious about this claim. He huffed out a laugh. ‘They’re just here for some free entertainment.’

‘Maybe some of them are. Some might have nothing else to do on a regular Wednesday afternoon. But literally everyone seems to be here. I’ve seen Sebastian and Lester and Bill and Andrew, and other people from both our depression talk group and other groups. The ones who never go anywhere. Who wouldn’t show up to breakfast or even to get their fucking medicines in the morning if their mentor wouldn’t come over and drag them there? Do you think they’re here to be entertained?’

Brian shrugged. ‘Why else would they be here?’

‘To support you!’ John repeated. ‘To show that they’re on your side. To see Queen Mary’s authority and judgement being challenged for once. All of these people here - even if they’re just here because they have nothing else to do, they dragged themselves out of bed and out of their rooms to be here. Do you think they would have been here if they did not care?’

Brian was quiet for a moment. ‘Do you?’ John asked again.

‘Maybe not,’ Brian shrugged.

‘Most definitely not. They care about this trial, because it’s more than just your trial, Brian. This has become everyone’s trial in a sense. It’s a protest against Queen Mary’s and their judgements and authority. This trial is showing people that there’s hope, and that we can be our own person and lead our own lives even while in here. We’re not their puppets, Brian, and whether you win or not, this trial is proof of that.’ John paused for a second to take a breath of air, and so did Brian. It was not often that his partner got so passionate about something, but when it happened, he was sure to put your worldview upside down. Maybe the people here had not come out to jeer or taunt or laugh at him - maybe they were here to show their support. To show they believed in their own authority regardless of what Queen Mary’s tried to mould them into. 

To give his most recent words a little more power, John took up the conversation again by asking: ‘Remember what Drew said the other day?’

Brian cast his eyes down at the mention of the murdered patient whom John brought up without a warning, but he was told off for doing so. ‘Look at me. Do you remember?’

‘Yes,’ Brian whispered. John’s grip on his shoulders had tightened, which felt both suppressing and safe at the same time. He knew he was not going to escape whatever John was about to tell him, but at the same time, John was not going to let anyone come in and make matters harder for him. John was here to protect him, keep the world at a distance now that Brian needed it most. 

‘Tell me what he said.’

‘He said that… he wished I would get out of here.’

‘Exactly,’ John nodded. ‘He wanted you to get out of here because you deserved better. Drew, the most hated person in this entire Godforsaken place, stood behind your cause. No matter how hard he’s made things for us at times, in the end he wanted you to win this. And fuck, I didn’t think I’d ever say this, but let’s go out there and do it for Drew. As some weird kind of last honour, or whatever people call that.’ A small, crooked smile appeared on John’s lips, and Brian let out a breathy sigh.

‘I want to,’ Brian admitted. ‘I do want to, and maybe- probably all those people are on our side. But they are so many-’

‘You’ve fought too hard and too long for this process to let this slide because other people showed up,’ John interrupted him, with power to his words but a gentleness to his tone. ‘And besides, since when do you care for other people? Have we ever cared for other people while in here? During all those late nights of playing music and talking during group discussions and locking ourselves in my hiding place during drug raids, did we ever give a single fuck about other people?’ The crooked smile on John’s face was back - more sincere and inviting this time, and Brian could not help but copy it.

‘We didn’t,’ he smiled.

‘God knows we didn’t,’ John agreed. ‘And right now is not the time that we are going to give a damn about other people either.’ The twinkle in his eyes and the confidence of his voice made Brian realise that John was right about all he just told him - the majority of the people here today had come out to support him, or at any rate to support him showing Queen Mary’s he was taking his own say in his life back, everyone wanted him to win, and even though the presence of two hundred uninvited clients made him nervous, he had never let other people around Queen Mary’s from doing what he wanted to do before. More than that, it made him wish he could kiss him right in the middle of the hallway - something he might actually have done if in that exact moment they would not have been pulled aside by Sarah to enter the room. 

‘Brian, Doctor Fisher is here to take you in and introduce you. Are you ready to go?’

Brian shared one look with John, who let go of his shoulders and gave him a comforting nod. ‘Absolutely,’ he answered, and he stepped away from the wall he no longer needed for either mental or physical support by now. He was ushered to the door opening, right in front of which he was reunited with the psychiatrist who had gone through the process of reassessment with him. Brian hadn’t seen him for a week or so now that the therapy sessions were over, but the smile on the man’s face and the firm handshake he received made him happy to see him back and be supported by him today.

‘I’ve worked day and night on these files, I’ll have you know,’ Fisher said with a nearly loving pat on the folder of documents he carried under his arm. ‘If this doesn’t bail you out, it won’t be for my lack of effort.’ Brian smiled and thanked him - even though he had not yet seen or heard a letter of the words Doctor Fisher had prepared for today, he knew he was in good hands with his help.

Upon stepping over the threshold of the door, Brian was blinded and deafened by the noise the people inside of it made. It was as if he was the defender of the world title at the Australian Open, the continent’s favourite act at the Eurovision, the Beatles upon first arriving at JFK airport - there was applause and screaming and all other sorts of noise coming from the left side of the room, which was densely packed with people in every single corner. A quick glance around told him that he did not know half of the audience, but the many smiling faces, the thumbs-up, and the applause they offered made knowing them unnecessary. It was the vibe of positivity and support they radiated that did it for Brian./

‘They’re here for you.’ For a moment Brian thought that he was imagining John saying these words to him, but he soon found that he was not - he turned around to find his boyfriend smiling up at him, grabbing his hand and give him a quick squeeze. ‘We’ll be in the audience. Whatever happens, know that I love you.’

‘I love you too,’ Brian beamed, giving his friends a quick wave before being taken up by Fisher and Queen Mary’s staff to ascend the three steps of the stage-like platform on the right side of the room, on which several desks had been pushed together to create the illusion of one long table in the style of a law court. It looked improvisational at best, as everything at Queen Mary’s did. Brian tried to prevent a chuckle as he followed Mister Fisher upstairs and faced the three-headed jury, which had gathered in front of their seats for the time being. A lady, perhaps in her late thirties or early forties, was the first member of the jury they came across.

Mister Fisher took it upon him to familiarise the entire crew to one another. ‘Miss Gerald, I’d like to introduce you to today’s client, Brian May.’ Brian felt like he was being presented as if he was the latest vacuum cleaner to be launched into the market, and tried not to laugh. He shook hands with the one that was extended towards him, and politely repeated his name to the woman.

‘Please allow any signs of nervousness he shows today,’ Nolan spoke on his behalf. ‘Due to - eh, communication errors, he was not aware that today was to be an open trial.’

Miss Gerald was nice enough about the matter, and told Brian (surprise surprise) that there was no need to be nervous, but that it was a very natural feeling to deal with in such a high profile situation. She also remarked that he did not seem all too nervous to her eyes; Brian was afraid that he was not doing too good of a job keeping his nervous giggles under control. Luckily it was Jasper who pointed out on his behalf that his jittery laughter was most likely to be a result of his nerves playing up. Nolan, Sarah, and Jasper were then properly introduced to Miss Gerald; Mister Fisher took his chance to take Brian to the second stop along the road of meeting the judges. 

Brian was introduced to a balding, spectacled man of near-retirement age with a low voice and stern expression, but his face became more friendly as he spoke up and smiled at Brian. His surname - Carlston or Carlman or something the like - did not stick with Brian for too long; which might be a result of the guy’s monotonous, slow way of speaking, or of the fact that he could see his third and biggest obstacle standing no more than five feet away from him. Doctor Sumner side-eyed him every so many seconds, but Brian ignored him for the time being. He was determined not to give his former psychiatrist a single indication of his nervousness concerning the power he possibly held over him - if anything, Brian had made up his mind, both for the sake of John and himself and everyone present in the room, that he was going to show him he was over him, and was no longer going to allow himself to be intimidated by the man who had put him here. It was his turn to triumph now. 

The talk with Carlston or Carlman over, Fisher took Brian to speak to Doctor Sumner, and leave the rest of his team to move on and speak to the second person in line. Brian felt his knees weakening a bit as he stepped towards Sumner, but he tried to make up for this by straightening his back and pulling the straightest, most no-nonsense (and perhaps somewhat bitchy) face he could produce.

‘And this man right here, Professor Sumner, I’ve been told you’ve met before,’ Mister Fisher said, obviously not aware of the tension between the two. Then again, no one standing on this platform apart from Sumner and Brian himself was aware of that, and he preferred to keep things that way for the time being. Something that did catch his attention, though, was the fact that his old psych was not addressed as a doctor anymore, but as a professor – something he quickly realised must have been an effect of him having promoted himself in scientific circles through his discovery of borderline personality disorder – at the cost of him and God knew how many more of his other patients. Brian felt his blood starting to boil, but he worked hard to keep his anger to himself.

‘I have indeed. Back when he was still a doctor and not a professor,’ Brian said with a perfectly cold civility. Copying Sumner’s behaviour, Brian’s eyes travelled up and down Sumner’s somewhat shorter frame, and eventually lingered on his face. It took a handful of seconds of tensed silence before Sumner was eventually the first to remove his hands from his back and reach one towards Brian. Brian reluctantly yet firmly gripped it. 

‘Brian May. I never thought we would meet each other so soon again,’ Sumner said with the fakest smile Brian had seen in a while. ‘Or at all, if I may be so honest.’

Brian knew all too well what he meant by this - that if it was up to him, Sumner would have him placed in a long-stay hospital to prevent him ever being able to convincingly tell his story of how Sumner had abused his power to make a living out of the suffering of Brian and undoubtedly more of his patients. The idea of countering Sumner and his wishes by going for a reassessment and pulling so far as to actually land himself into this trial gave Brian the last of determination he had been in need of to pull through today and give both Sumner and the entirety of Queen Mary’s the finger. 

‘Doctor Sumner,’ Brian said steadfastly, refusing to acknowledge the new title that had been acquired at the cost of him and others. ‘How delighted I am that you were able to spare us some of your time,’ Brian smiled icily. ‘You must be rather sought after the launch of your research papers these days.’ He could see Sumner tensing at the mention of the research papers of which he knew damn well he could be blacklisted for if the truth about them came out, but Brian’s enemy was quick to pull himself together. 

‘I am. But that does not prevent me from devoting some time to an old acquaintance who has played such a vital role in the making of said papers,’ he said easily. Brian, however, was even quicker to give his former psychiatrist an even easier yet snarkier answer. 

‘And who can similarly play a vital role in tearing them straight down again.’ It was a good thing that the crowd around them was still making such noise, and that Mister fisher seemed to have gone off to speak to the registrar sitting at the far end of the table, because Brian was unsure what would happen if any outsider was to overhear the obviously somewhat threatening conversation they were having. 

Sumner’s jaw clenched at hearing these words, and Brian could almost see the radars inside his brain spinning for an answer. He did not seem to be able to come up with anything, though, because after five seconds or so he simply asked: ‘What do you want?’

‘Nothing extraordinary,’ Brian shrugged. ‘But how about you let me go and I let you go?’

Sumner’s face remained unreadable. He was obviously unhappy with the direction this discussion was heading into, but had little to say to defend himself - as was made obvious by his bland try at countering Brian.

‘I haven’t even heard your case yet.’

‘Don’t worry about it. I promise you that if anything, it’ll make you look suspicious if you don’t let me go,’ Brian said with more confidence than he felt inside. To prevent Sumner from being able to say anything that would bring him down again, Brian gave him an uncharacteristic and intimidating pat on the shoulder, spoke a nearly cruel ‘you know what to do’, and moved along to give his regards to the registrar. He left a bedazzled Sumner to greet his defence and figure out what to do with the part-promise, part-threat he had been dished out on his own. 

When the last of his entourage had shaken hands and exchanged words of welcome with the judges, Brian was guided down the steps again and given leave to sit down on one of the chairs facing the judges. As he turned his back on the jury and was faced with the audience, his eyes quickly darted around the room to locate the places where his friends and his parents had settled themselves. It was hard to spot them in the tumultuous scene in front of him, but he detected the pink sleeve of his mother’s dress as she held up her hand to wave at him soon enough. His father, sitting in a black suit next to her, also caught sight of him. Brian gave a bit of a smile and waved back at them, and the gesture was answered by a lot more people than just his parents. These people really are on my side, Brian thought to himself as he gave a wave directed at the other side of the room, which again was met with unbound enthusiasm. 

In fact, Brian did not make his regards to everyone because he was so pleased to have the entire population of the institution there, but because he hoped he could win some time to figure out the location of his friends also. They were a little harder to spot, given that they dressed in the same dark trousers and grey shirts as all the other clients, but they would not have been his friends had they not tried their very best to show themselves.

‘Briiiian! Honey, we’re here!’ Freddie’s voice was loud and bordered on obnoxiousness while Roger and he waved both their hands above their heads to attract Brian’s attention. It did work, though - and Brian felt a wave of relief passing through him when he found his three roommates sitting in the middle of the front row of the audience. He was unsure how they had found themselves such a desirable spot in the room, seeing as they had made their entrance rather late, but he figured that Freddie and Roger might have used their status as his best friends to persuade people to give them the best spot available. John sat beside them in a much more quiet fashion, and he smiled up at Brian and send a kissy hand his way. Brian, a bit too overwhelmed with the entire situation, clutched a hand against his heart to indicate that he had received the imaginary kiss.

Jasper, Nolan, and Sarah ascended the stairs, too, and took their seats on one of the five chairs across the judges’ table. Brian waved at his friends one more time, before he turned around and lowered himself in his chair. The plain wooden chair he was sitting on made him feel small when compared to the judges and their more luxurious leather desk chairs, but the presence of two of his supporters at either side of him - not to even mention a sea of people, including his parents, best friends, and his boyfriend behind him - made him feel a little stronger.

The noise in the room had not ceased in time with the key figures of the trial sitting down, so Miss Gerald made a point of clapping in her hands a number of times in a row in an attempt to quiet down the multitude. Not everyone seemed to either hear this or listen to it, so her efforts were joined by those of Doctor Sumner, who slammed a fist down on the desk in front of him. This at last seemed to have some effect.

‘Ladies and gentlemen! We’d like to start this session!’ he thundered in a voice louder than any of the ones Brian had heard in the meeting room, and the last of noise seemed to quiet down at this statement. Miss Gerald took the opportunity to stand up from her chair and wasted no time in opening the meeting.

‘Welcome everybody - my name is Edna Gerald, and together with my colleagues Professor Sumner and Mister Carlston, I seek to come to a verdict regarding a client of Queen Mary’s Psychiatric Institution’s appeal for a reassessment. Can Mister Brian May stand up, please?’

Brian, a little taken aback by the suddenness with which the introduction morphed into serious business, took a second before he pushed himself up on his somewhat wobbly legs - a feeling that did not pass at all when Miss Gerald went straight to making him promise a testimony of truth.

‘Do you confirm that all you tell us today will be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?’

‘I promise. I mean- I confirm,’ Brian corrected himself clumsily. Off to a good start, he thought to himself, but the judges seemed not to mind or even notice. 

‘Thank you. We will start with the technical part of the process. Please state your full name and date of birth for the record,’ Miss Gerald ordered.

Brian cleared his throat. ‘My name is Brian Harold May and I was born on July 19, 1947.’

‘Place of birth?’

‘Homerton University Hospital in London.’

‘Names of your parents?’

‘Harold May and Ruth May-Irving.’

‘Correct,’ Miss Gerald stated after a look at the paper in front of her, as if she had been contemplating the possibility that Brian would be lying about his mother’s maiden name. ‘Now you, Brian Harold May, stand before a selection of members of the South East England Mental Health Facilitation, which is an independent organisation that oversees the working of Queen Mary’s Psychiatric Institution and similar places. You are here today, on September 15, 1971, because you filed for a reassessment which, in case it is approved, will grant you leave from the aforementioned institution.’ The formal way of talking made Brian feel more than just a little out of place, but he refused to show a sign of discomfort.

‘That is correct.’

Miss Gerald dived back into the files in front of her, scribbled something down, and took a moment to read. ‘According to the data provided to me, you were admitted into Queen Mary’s Psychiatric Institution on March 13, 1971. Is this correct?’

‘Yes.’ It took little time for Brian to establish this as being a fact. He still remembered the day and the week previous to it vividly - the establishment of the date he was to be taken in, his father allowing no backchat on the subject, his mum packing his back the night before as he could not be convinced to get up from his bed, being dragged out of the house and into the car, and being left behind at the institution. It was a date he would never be able to forget, whether he wanted to do so or not. 

‘And you have remained on the property of Queen Mary’s Psychiatric Institution ever since, without any breaks or intermissions?’ Miss Gerald went on to ask. 

‘Yes.’

‘Very good. Now is it true that you filed for a reassessment August 24, 1971, with the interference of a certain Nolan Ferrier?’

Brian gave a small glance at Nolan, who was sitting on his right side. It was true indeed that Nolan had applied for a reassessment on his behalf, but whether this had been on August 24, 25, or 29, was something Brian could not tell to save his life. Nolan gave a small nod, and Brian faced Miss Gerald again.

‘Correct.’

‘Can you describe what position Nolan Ferrier holds towards you?’

‘He is my mentor, and has been so from the day I was admitted into Queen Mary’s.’

‘Has Nolan Ferrier, or any other staff member of Queen Mary’s Psychiatric Institution, in any shape or form influenced you in your decision to go for a reassessment?’

‘He has not. None of them have,’ Brian said firmly, as to put this idea out of the way. 

‘Do you confirm that the reassessment that was filed on your behalf was filed through your own desire, as a result of your own wishes, that it was a decision made in a rational moment, and moreover is a decision which you still stand by?’

The first time I am to experience a rational moment has yet to happen, Brian thought to himself, but he decided that right now was not the proper moment for jokes. ‘I confirm all of this,’ he said with a straight face.

‘Very well,’ Miss Gerald shortly comment. ‘Now, lastly, you must confirm that you agree with and consent to the rules and regulations that apply to every reassessment appeal - which state that the decision to be made today is final, that an approval can be overturned if evidence surfaces which shows you deliberately forsook the truth at any point of this reassessment process; and that, in case of dismissal, a new reassessment will not be allowed to be filed for the upcoming 120 days. Do you agree with and consent to all of these regulations?’

Brian swallowed thickly - there were quite some rules he was submitting himself to that he did not feel entirely comfortable with. He knew that the decision today was final, but the idea that it could later be overturned if it turned out he had not told the truth entirely to the wishes of the jury made him nervous. Who was to decide what was the truth, or that he had deliberately made up his mind to withhold the truth from the judges? And what would happen if they caught him doing so - would he be chased down and dropped off behind the gates of Queen Mary’s again?

‘None of this will apply to you,’ Nolan whispered beside him, probably understanding the tension he found himself under. ‘You will get out today for once and for all.’

‘I agree with and consent to these regulations,’ Brian managed.

‘Thank you. You are excused for now.’ Brian gave a weak nod and allowed himself to sit back in his chair again. He was still a little fazed by all he had just been made to solemnly swear, even though all information he had been made to confirm or deny had been purely factual, and was just the start of the session. God knew what else he might be made to say later, God knew how long this meeting was going to last - maybe he should have practised more, maybe he should have prepared a speech as to the hows and whys of his reassessment-

‘We shall now bring forwards the first speaker on behalf of Mister May. Sarah Gaskell may step forwards, please.’

Sarah, who was seated next to Nolan, all but jumped up from her spot.

‘Miss Gaskell, you are likewise asked state your full name, date of birth, and to confirm that all you tell us today will be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth,’ Miss Gerald proceeded.

‘My name is Sarah Marie Gaskell, born on October 29 1942, and I confirm that all I will tell you today will be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.’ Sarah did not falter a single time, as she was asked about her position concerning Brian, the sessions they had sat through together, and Brian’s overall mental health. Brian felt himself growing somewhat uncomfortable as his psychiatrist spoke of the impact Jimmy’s death had had on him - not just because he did not enjoy having the deepest pits he had fallen into discussed so openly, but also because the judges seemed altogether surprised at the mentioning of a suicide by hanging at Queen Mary’s mere months ago. Miss Gerald and Mister Carlston bowed their heads together, and Sumner brought out a folder through which he started flicking with earnest. It suddenly dawned on Brian that the ‘incident’ might very well never have been reported to the healthcare inspection, and that Sarah had, unbeknownst to herself, exposed a secret that Queen Mary’s had been eager to keep. 

Good for them, Brian thought dimly. Let them try to talk themselves out of sweeping a suicide-leaning-on-murder case under the carpet.

After a minute or so of hushed conversation, the matter was dropped - for the time being - and Sarah was again questioned about her contact with Brian and the progress she thought her client had made. She answered all the questions with enthusiasm, and stood proud and confident before the judges. Brian wondered if she had practised her speech - because with this being the first case of reassessment to pull through to the final trial, she could not have had a lot of practice beforehand. 

‘Miss Gaskell, in your professional opinion, do you think your client is ready to be released from Queen Mary’s and return to society?’ the main judge eventually asked in quite a straightforward fashion.

‘I do,’ Sarah smiled.

‘Why then, miss Gaskell, did you not propose the idea of letting him go yourself?’ Miss Gerald asked her critically. ‘You, after all, are his psychiatrist. If you thought him to be ready to be released from Queen Mary’s Psychiatric Institution, then why did you not propose this yourself and followed the standard procedure of dismissing a client once their trial is completed?’ It was a tough question - one Brian personally would not know how to answer convincingly if he had been in his psychiatrist’s place. Luckily, Sarah seemed to know exactly what she was doing, as her smile did not falter for a split second when she answered.

‘I understand your concern for Brian having come up with the idea of a reassessment on his own, rather than waiting until we as his caretakers filed for him to be dismissed,’ Sarah acknowledged. ‘And whereas I will admit that upon first hearing about his reassessment I was surprised, as his trial - as I had planned it out on paper - had not been finished yet. But when I thought about it a little more, it dawned on me that the trial I had planned out, was not at all linked to the progress Brian had made. In fact, his progress during the past few months has been so rapid that the psychiatric sessions I had planned out for him lag behind tremendously. My plans do not correspond to his current needs anymore.’ Sarah paused for a second. ‘In fact, as I’ve come to think of it, I think all that Queen Mary’s has to offer simply does not correspond to Mister May’s needs anymore. He has made such progress and gained such mental stability over the period of his stay here at Queen Mary’s, that I am afraid there is little to nothing more we can offer him here.’

‘I see,’ Mister Carlston took over from his colleague when Miss Gerald simply looked at him. ‘And do you not think that his progress could be carried even further if he was to remain at Queen Mary’s for, let’s say, the duration your original planning for him therapy-wise would have lasted?’

Sarah was quick to tear down this idea before it was able to plant its roots into anyone’s mind. ‘Quite the opposite. I’m afraid that keeping Mister May here, against his own wishes, would have a negative effect rather than a positive one on him and his condition.’

‘Thank you, miss Gaskell. You can sit down again.’ Sarah gave a small nod and settled next to Nolan again. Brian tried to catch a glimpse of her to shoot her a grateful smile for the words she had given in defence of his wishes, but as the judges wasted no time in moving on, Brian pulled his eyes into the direction of the jury again.

‘Now we would like to have Nolan Ferrier come forward to inform us on Brian’s behaviour according to the official records that have been kept during his stay at Queen Mary’s Psychiatric Hospital until this day.’ 

Nolan got up from his chair, repeated his name and date of birth for the record, swore the same oath that Brian and Sarah had done before him - and started on an anthology of Brian’s good behaviour, which included acts of generosity towards fellow patients and kindness and obedience to the staff of Queen Mary’s. The sheer act of listening to it made Brian cringe a little - it was awkward to have to sit by and listen to Nolan praising him as if he was Jesus Christ incarnated. Besides, Brian realised all too well that he was no saint. He had had his fair share of missing mealtimes to go outside with John, skipping drug tests by finding shelter in John’s hiding place, paying zero attention during group therapy, running out of Sarah’s office or plainly not talking to her for an entire session in the aftermath of Jimmy’s death, and getting wound up in a fight with Drew within days of being admitted into Queen Mary’s. Luckily, Nolan mentioned none of these events - and when asked to explain Brian’s absence during perhaps three or four breakfast- and lunch moments, he was able to explain them away with illness, obligations elsewhere, and similar excuses. The questions from the judge were few, as the official records showed little accounts of Brian having disobeyed the rules and regulations - and within five minutes, Nolan was thanked and invited to sit down again to make room for Jasper.

Jasper’s session was even shorter, if still possible. Despite getting to see Brian nearly every day, he was not able to say too much about him personally, as he had always experienced Brian in the context of a group only. Brian was relieved, though, that Jasper described him as respectful and cooperative, and did not mention any of the countless times when Brian had drifted off, usually with the help of John, to topics they found to be more interesting than the thought schemes or positive thinking assignments or whatever it had been that Jasper had prepared for the therapy sessions.

Mister Fisher was then addressed and asked to share his experiences of Brian’s illness, behaviour, and capability of returning to society already. He gave his report of the weeks he’d spend examining Brian and his motives for leaving Queen Mary’s - the ones on paper, that was. Brian had decided it was probably not the best of ideas to tell them he wanted to leave this shithole behind in time with his boyfriend, because something told him that the judges might not see this as a valid reason to be excused from a mental health clinic at all, even though matters were of course a little more complicated than Brian just wanting to leave and be with John for the hell of it. They needed each other - but that was not something he expected random strangers to understand. 

Luckily, Fisher did not speak of John other than mentioning him, together with Freddie and Roger, as being the closest friends his client had made while at Queen Mary’s. This in turn seemed to be meant to convince the jury of Brian’s improved social skills and capabilities, but besides this, Brian was not too sure what they spoke about. As soon as they brought up the DSM and it’s technical medical terms - boundary conditions and parthopsychological processes and cluster symptoms and similar phrases - he found himself zooming out somewhat. He forced himself to keep his gaze in front of him, afraid that any sort of sign of disinterest might later be held against him. Still, he was relieved when the judges thanked Mister Fisher for his input and allowed him to sit back down again.

Although… Now that everyone around him had been questioned apart from he himself, Brian had a feeling that he was going to be the next victim of the judges.

‘Lastly we will hear the client himself. Mister May?’

Oh, Lord. Here we go.

Suppressing the tendency to first have a look at the people sitting around him to check their reactions, see if they had any comforting words or gestures for him before he stood up for his ordeal, Brian got up, straightened the least faded grey shirt Freddie had been able to pluck from the laundry room, and faced up to the judges. There was some applause and cheering behind him, but the guards quickly managed to calm everyone down again - which was a first by Queen Mary’s standards, Brian thought dimly. 

‘Now, we’ve heard everyone speak so positively about your progress here at Queen Mary’s, we’ve read your statements and your motivation for leaving Queen Mary’s early, and your plans for picking up your life again after you return to society…’ Miss Gerald summed up, and Brian instinctively felt that, despite this not sounding too bad, a but to all of this was going to come up. 

He turned out to be right. 

‘But what I’m really interested in is your diary segments,’ Miss Gerald said as she flicked through the notebook Mister Fisher must have handed over to her during a prior contact with the judges. ‘In particular the mentioning of a certain individual who goes by the name John, and who seems to pop up in every single diary segment.’

John. Oh God, this really could go in any possible direction from this point onward.

‘Yes,’ Brian said sheepishly, not knowing what exactly would be a meaningful reply to this statement.

Miss Gerald pushed her glasses a little higher up her nose. ‘Now, I’ve been informed by Mister Fisher that this refers to a fellow client at Queen Mary’s whose name is John Deacon. Is this correct?’

‘That is correct.’ So far so good. 

‘I’ve also been told that this John Deacon has recently been given leave from Queen Mary’s,’ Miss Gerald read from the paper in front of her. ‘And that you, in fact, asked for a reassessment from Queen Mary’s the day you heard about his dismissal.’ Miss Gerald looked up at Brian with stern eyes, and Brian, even though he knew he should look back at her, could not muster the courage to do so. It was time to say goodbye to so far so good - this question was turning the session straight into the conversation he had been fearing for all along. And it was not because he was afraid of talking about what John meant to him and the role he played in his life - hell, he would proudly talk of his love, affection, trust, and friendship with John until the cows came home. 

The only problem was that he was afraid the judges would see it as a sign of weakness to depend on one person so much, and more than that, that they would flatly turn down his appeal for reassessment if they found out that it was largely based on wanting to follow his boyfriend outside of Queen Mary’s. Besides, he had not at all forgotten that even though homosexuality had been legalised back when he had been in his second year of university, it still very much was classified as a mental illness. He knew there were progressive psychiatrists out there, but with an old and possibly conservative man like Mister Carlston, and Sumner probably still wanting to keep him behind the bars of Queen Mary’s if so possible, Brian did not dare risk it.

Still, he had a feeling he could not hide the truth for much longer - because there was the voice of miss Gaskell again, urging him to answer her questions.

‘Is this correct?’

‘Yes,’ Brian confirmed in the smallest voice.

‘Would you say that your wish to leave Queen Mary’s is in any way related to John Deacon’s dismissal of the place?’

‘Yes,’ Brian said.

‘To what extent?’ 

Brian felt his heart starting to beat faster. He knew that on the one hand he could make up a story around the importance John had played in his filing for a reassessment, but he was terrified of being found out (hell, the evidence that John meant the world to him was easily to be discovered in that diary for everyone who could somewhat read between the lines). He had never been good at lying, and especially not under pressure, especially not in the presence of so many people, and with the prospect of ruining such important chances. To tell the truth about John, however, might be the equivalent of digging his own grave.

‘Mister May?’ The voice, this time of Mister Carlston, was kind but demanding. The judges wanted an answer, an honest answer, and Brian could no longer withhold it from them.

‘To the extent that... I would not have left if he had not been dismissed,’ Brian admitted. He himself had thought his voice to be quite soft, but it had obviously been loud enough for a substantial amount of people sitting behind him to comment on this to their neighbours. Brian could not overhear their words, but he had a feeling that people were not exactly supportive of what he had just admitted.

The judges, despite sending each other some sideways glances, remained neutral and professional - which, Brian decided, was worse in some ways, as he could not at all make up from their reactions what they were thinking. ‘So you want to leave largely, if not solely, because John Deacon is leaving.’

‘Yes.’

‘You previously said, though, that your decision to leave Queen Mary’s was not influenced by anyone else,’ Miss Gerald said. ‘You said that after having sworn testimony.’

‘That is incorrect,’ Brian said, facing the judge at last now that he had found a loophole in her own words. ‘I swore testimony, and denied that any of the staff members had in any way influenced my decision to file for a reassessment. That is what you said, madam.’ Excited mumbling arose from the room behind him, and Miss Gerald looked from her left to her right as to find the answer in one of her male co-workers. Neither of them seemed to be able to offer her any help in the matter, so she turned to the registrar at the separate table on the left side of the stage. 

‘Can the registrar please go over the notes to recall what was said?’

The man, who seemed a little uneasy now that a room full of people shifted their focus to him all of the sudden, started looking over pages of notes. He eventually coughed and answered: ‘The client is right, Miss Gerald. Following your question, Mister May denied that any staff member had played a role in his decision.’

More noise behind him, and the hand of Nolan on his shoulder as a sign of support. Brian felt his heart beating faster, even though he knew it was irrational to be so excited over a small win like this. True, he had beaten the judge with her own words and was not guilty of having lied to her - but as soon as she went back to the discussion of him wanting to leave because of someone else, Brian knew he would be royally fucked again.

‘Alright. My mistake - I apologise,’ Miss Gerald said a little coolly, obviously not happy about having to admit her wrong publicly. ‘Nevertheless, the point still stands. Your decision to leave Queen Mary’s is thus not solely based on your firm belief you are ready to return to society, but also on the fact that Mister Deacon is leaving.’

‘Correct,’ Brian said. 

‘We have a lot to unpack here,’ the woman said, took a clean sheet of paper from her notebook, and asked: ‘How would you describe your relationship towards Mister Deacon?’

Alright. Your relationship with John. Let’s be careful now, but make them understand how much he means to you nevertheless. If they do want to lead you down this path, better make them understand how important John is to you and to your healing process. ‘He’s my roommate. My therapy partner. My best friend - my better half,’ Brian summed up.

‘Your most intimate friend, one could say?’ Doctor Sumner asked.

Brian stifled the little smile that tugged at his lips at this word choice that was not as innocent in his ears as it must be to the rest of the judges. ‘One could certainly say that.’

‘And you met Mister Deacon here at Queen Mary’s, without having any prior knowledge of his existence?’ Sumner asked.

‘Indeed.’

‘What role has he played in your life here at Queen Mary’s since you met him?’ Miss Gerald asked him.

Brian smiled. ‘Even though I was hesitant upon first meeting him, because he was rather reserved and snobby towards our other roommates, I knew right from the start that he was the one. The one I’d get on with best, and the one who would drag me through my time here at Queen Mary’s. You see, I was in a bad place, and so was he - we both weren’t keen on social contact, or going out and showing our face to anyone, but we found comfort in each other. We shared the same room and the same therapy group, so we spent a lot of time together automatically. And that time… made us realise we wanted to be together in the remainder of the time also. During mealtimes, and in the medicine queue, going outside - we went everywhere together. We still do.’

There was silence for a moment after this report; Mister Carlston broke it eventually. ‘So you could say John Deacon has played a large role in your daily life here?’

‘Absolutely. The largest role of all the people here at Queen Mary’s.’

‘The largest role, you say?’ Sumner asked. ‘Do you mean that to be understood in a social context?’

‘I mean it in every context,’ Brian said. ‘In a social context, leisure time-wise, but also support-wise and coping-wise. Healing wise.’

‘Should it not be your psychiatrist, or therapy leader, or even your mentor, to have the largest role in your mental state?’ Sumner sounded sceptical and a bit intimidating, as if he was not hearing the answers he wanted to hear. Brian, however, was not going to let Sumner get to him the way he had previously managed to do.

‘Perhaps it should have been,’ Brian shrugged. ‘But apart from the fact that I only got to see them a handful of hours a week, they just never could have done what John has done for me. In fact, I’m sure I could have been shackled to my psychiatrist during my entire stay at Queen Mary’s, and still she could not have had the same influence on me as John has had. They never could have lifted me up and comfort me and help me the way John has done.’

‘And what- how could it be that John could have this influence on you if the professional staff could not?’ Miss Gerald asked him. The question made Brian smile a little - because it was such a typical question someone who had never reached the lows he had done himself would ask. People who had never been down and out the way he had been, would not understand the importance a friend who was there with you, really with you both mentally and physically, could have on you. 

‘Because they never would have understood me the way John did,’ Brian said. ‘I’m sure my psychiatrists trained for years to learn every disorder out there, and know the entire DSM by heart, but they cannot teach themselves an understanding of mental illness the way someone experiences it. The only one to understand the loneliness and the feeling of being inadequate and the depths of depression, is the one who has been there themselves.’

‘But John is not the only one with depressive symptoms around at Queen Mary’s,’ Sumner remarked. ‘Why is it him specifically that you turned to?’

‘Because… John was so different from me, and yet I could see so much of myself in him. Unlike me he needed no validation from others at all, but we could both do with someone to either talk to or be completely quiet and just be there when we needed it. He told everyone exactly what he thought of them when I would let everyone walk right over me, but we both knew what sort of support the other needed and when they needed it. It just became clear to me within a few days that we would understand each other always. Which we did, and do, to this point and onwards,’ Brian took a second of rest and waited for the judges to pick up the cross-examination again. When they didn’t, however, he added to his statement: ‘You know, chemistry between people is hard to explain. But when it’s there, you will feel it, and you act accordingly.’

‘I guess one does,’ Miss Gerald repeated, a furrow on her forehead which Brian did not know if it was one of deep understanding or utter miscomprehension of all he had just said. ‘So… Mister Deacon and you, you have always been this close while at Queen Mary’s?’

‘We have been.’

‘So when you heard that he was to leave…’ 

‘I was heartbroken,’ Brian finished the sentence. ‘Devastated, really. Well, both of us were - especially him. He wouldn’t just have to leave behind me, but the entire life he had built up around Queen Mary’s in the past two years.’

‘And that’s when you decided, let’s go for it, let me file for a reassessment and get out of here together?’ Doctor Sumner said with a waving hand gesture, as to denote the suddenness and shallowness with which he assumed the decision has been made. Brian felt his face retort at the probably deliberate attempt of Sumner at making him look like a rash teenager, but he kept his cool and faced him with a stone-cold expression as he re-explained the matter in more detail. 

‘It was when I, after having thought a good deal about the… rather precarious situation John would find himself in once he would be dismissed from Queen Mary’s - you see, he has no family ties he can rely on, no close friends outside of this place after years of social isolation, no funds to rely on of places to go to - it was then that I decided that it would be in the best interest for the both of us if I would leave with John.’

Sumner did not seem to back away from his antics, unfortunately. ‘How exactly is it the best for the both of us, when you seem to discard your own mental needs completely for the sake of someone who was testified to be ready to stand on his own legs again?’ 

‘Funny you should ask that,’ Brian smiled. ‘Because I know that you see this reassessment as being all about me and all about what’s best for me - and that it’s hard to imagine that the influence of a person besides myself can play a large role in that. But the truth is that the individuals surrounding one, and their well-being, do have a large impact on the well-being of the person who cares about them. Would you agree with me on this, Doctor Sumner?’ Brian posed the question right back at Sumner, who seemed a bit taken aback. ‘Would you agree that the happiness of your loved ones have an impact on your own happiness, Doctor Sumner?’ he clarified - not just to make things a bit clearer for his audience, but also to make Sumner look just a little stupid for not following at once, and, in case he would deny this statement, make him look like a cold-blooded person.

‘I would agree,’ Sumner eventually said, although not with much enthusiasm.

‘Great. Then you might see how John, who is my best friend, and his well-being, is… is crucial to me. Absolutely crucial. I could not imagine being happy without knowing that John is happy - or at least to have them there with me so I can be with him if he is not. John has come to mean so much to me that I… could not do without him, and the same applies to him. Our state of mind is irrevocably linked - we could not be happy if we knew the other lived in misery.’ Brian’s heart was thundering away in his chest by the time he had spoken all of this, but it had been worth it - Sumner seemed to have been silenced, even if it was just for the time being. Sumner opened his mouth, then closed it again. He eyed Brian for a handful of intense seconds, but it was Sumner himself who eventually lost the staring battle as he looked for aid in his co-workers.

Miss Gerald was quick to compose herself. ‘This is interesting, Mister May. Were you not diagnosed with borderline personality disorder? Which - correct me if I’m wrong - is characterised by an immense dependency on- and idolisation of people around the afflicted?’

‘That is correct,’ Brian confirmed. ‘And I do not rule out the possibility that part of my dependency on John might be caused by my mental affliction. But against that, I would like to raise the argument that on the one hand, I have been in a close but very stable friendship with John over a period of more than six months - which, as Doctor Sumner can tell you, denotes a bond deeper and more stable than connections typically formed with underlying borderline patterns do.’ Brian could practically feel Sumner’s eyes glaring right through him, but he ignored the stares - or perhaps even took them as an encouragement. ‘And on the other hand, I have no tendency to idolise John, and can see his faults fairly as far as he has

 been nervous before about this latter fact, the presence of the entire institution on top of that

them. We’ve had an… incident concerning a diary at one point, and I also was not entirely happy when he used force to distance himself from me during a very tensed moment,’ Brian admitted, even though it hurt a little to share these moments with the entire room. ’Besides, I have no desire to push him away and pull him back, to test his loyalty as a friend, I do not react with jealousy when other people claim his attention, and am not afraid he will desert me if he leaves my side for whatever reason. We can talk about so much, and I am not afraid of telling him my opinion. Does that not sound like a healthy friendship, Doctor Sumner?’ Brian tried his best not to cock his head daringly into the direction of the psychiatrist, who he could see clench- and unclench his jaw even through the distance between them. 

‘That’s… That sounds like a healthy friendship,’ Doctor Sumner allowed. ‘Nevertheless I am sceptical of you being able to fully understand the implications of leaving Queen Mary’s permanently over someone else.’

‘Just like I am sceptical of you being able to fully understand the consequences of me having to live here, against my will, while knowing that my best friend is out there without the help he needs and deserves,’ Brian shot right back at Sumner. Then, in a tone more approachable to the jury in its entirety, he said: ‘No one else can help me the way John can. I know it’s hard to believe as an outsider, but I know I would not be doing as great as I am doing right now if it had not been for John, and that my progress will take a huge beating if I cannot continue to have him in my life. He is the best thing Queen Mary’s has brought me. By choosing for John I am choosing for myself - going through life with him by my side. He does more for me and my healing process than any medicine or therapist could ever accomplish.’ 

‘That is a bold statement to make,’ Sumner said, but his voice sounded weak and defenceless. Brian therefore did not doubt a second to tear it down again.

‘The truth can be bold at times, but that does not mean I should not speak it,’ Brian replied. ‘But here’s the thing. Medication is temporary, therapists work with you for a number of sessions, but in the end you will have to design your life yourself - you have to make yourself happy, and make the choices that enable you to be happy. And for me, this is John. He enables me to be happy and to live my life the way I never thought I’d ever be able to live it again in the midst of my depression. John is the best thing Queen Mary’s has brought me, the best choice I’ve made in my life, and I know he will support me long after my time at Queen Mary’s, whether that ends after today or later down the line, is over.’ 

Silence again - for a few seconds, before the first claps of applause landed behind him. A guard tried to shush it, but this only seemed to encourage more people to join in on the applause, until eventually whistles and shouts of support filled the room on top of this. Brian could tell by the gestures the judges and the staff around him made towards the audience that they were not exactly pleased with the behaviour of the crowd, but he personally felt too much of a rush of relief and ecstasy to really mind. In fact, he even allowed himself to turn his head around and catch a glimpse at the audience - or, more specifically - catch a glimpse at John. Their eyes locked for a second, and their smiles grew wider.

These people are here to support you. Brian could see it in John’s eyes, and he believed him.

Eventually the guards managed to calm everyone down again by threatening to throw out the people who would not listen to the order of being quiet, and the attention was focussed on the judges again.’

‘Thank you for your report, Mister May,’ Miss Gerald said, obviously not too pleased that she had been interrupted in her previous attempts of acknowledging her client’s contribution to the case. ‘We would not like to retreat shortly to discuss our judgement.’ Brian nodded, and the judges stood up from their chairs - but as this invited everyone in the audience to do so, too, Miss Gerald held up her hand and said, rather loudly to make sure she would be heard: ‘We will be back soon, and we would like to ask everyone to remain in their seat and be quiet.’ With this, she followed her co-workers and descended the stairs. They disappeared through the door with a bundle of paperwork under their arms, to be seen back in what could not have been more than five minutes.

How he managed to keep his cool during these five minutes, however, was something which Brian could not figure out when he would later look back on it. All the tension of having to listen to speeches about himself, having other people answer questions on his behalf, being cross-examined by three people… It all disappeared from his body and mind the second the judges left the room - only to be replaced by the stress of now having to await the judgement. 

And boy, it was as if he was the only one nervous about the judgement. Nolan and Jasper enthusiastically started chatting both to him and to each other to talk about how well the meeting had gone down, and Sarah stood up to enthusiastically share some words with Mister Fisher. They all seemed completely convinced that the jury was going to judge in his advantage, but Brian himself was not too sure about it as of yet. He had managed to deliver some pretty strong answers, yes, but to questions that he had been hoping would not be posed. He had also been able to quiet down the judges in their doubts about him leaving for the right reasons, but would they take this as a sign of strength, or as plain rudeness and dislike for authority? What if they’d publicly declare him to be an insolent, insane adolescent, who had a whole lot to learn still before he’d ever be allowed to walk through the gates of Queen Mary’s?

‘Brian?’ 

A hand continuously poking his shoulder brought Brian back to the present, where Jasper was trying to catch his attention. ‘Brian? Freddie is trying to get your attention. I think he wants to congratulate you on how well you did.’ There was a broad smile on Jasper’s face, but all Brian could do was stare back blankly and wonder how anyone could be so optimistic about a judgement that had not been made public yet. 

‘Brian, turn around! Come ooon!’ It was Roger’s quasi-annoyed voice that eventually made Brian lull his head around, but he did not dare turn around in his seat, just in case the jury would return early. He knew it was irrational, but for some reason he felt that they might alter their judgement of him if they walked back into the room to find him having moved in his seat when they had been told to stay where they were. Then again, if they were to return now, Brian looking over his shoulder was likely to not even catch their eye. With the chaos around him - people standing up, walking around, talking and yelling and making noise even louder than that - it seemed unlikely that Miss Gerald would even notice his small deed of disobedience. Not now that guards were literally trying to prevent people from going up to him or singing loud songs he vaguely remembered from football games, at any rate.

‘You did so well, darling!’ Freddie beamed upon having Brian face his way, and Brian gave him the smallest of a smile. 

‘You totally killed those judges. They’re currently out there trying to repair whatever’s left of their ego!’ Roger laughed and Freddie joined him, but Brian felt his smile fade a bit. He knew Roger meant it as a compliment, to help him feel better, but Brian interpreted it as further proof that he might have offended the judges with his fierceness to protect his case. 

Between the laughter and the triumph of the couple, however, was one face that remained still, just like Brian’s - and that was John, who looked at his partner in quiet admiration.

‘You did better than I ever could have hoped for,’ John said. ‘I’m so proud of you.’

Brian swallowed, and just nodded in response. He had no words to match these sentences that were so much meaningful than Freddie’s and Roger’s attempts at boosting his pride, or Jasper’s and Nolan’s easy confidence towards the judgement. What he could do, however, was turn around in his chair just a little more, and reach out a hand towards his boyfriend. While Freddie and Roger - and seemingly the rest of the room, too - amused themselves with loud chatter and easy jokes, John and he entangled their fingers in mid-air, and looked at each other with a fondness Brian had not believed was possible had he not witnessed it himself at that moment.

He did not know for how long they stayed like that, or how many people saw them share this moment - Brian just remembered the sound of the door opening, and swiftly letting go of John’s hand to settle down in his chair again. Whether the judges saw him in his hurry to comply to the rules again, he guessed he’d never find out; by the time they were in sight they looked positively annoyed by the mayhem in which they arrived. Brian saw Sumner call for a guard and admonish him for being unable to keep the peace, and Carlston gestured to the crowd to behave themselves - to little or no avail, that was. In the end, it took Miss Gerald repeatedly smashing a folder of papers against the desktop before people looked her way and possibly even realised the judges had returned in the first place.

‘So, now that we have your attention...’ There was an unmistakable hint of irritation in her voice. ‘We would like to move on to the judgement of this trial. So if everyone could sit back down and be silent, it’d be much appreciated.’ Despite the biting sarcasm of Miss Gerald’s voice, people did listen to her - and her wish for order was granted in what seemed like a heartbeat. It was perhaps a bit too fast for Brian’s liking; the conclusion of this trial was coming upon him so soon all of a sudden, and he was unsure if he could deal with it. He had no choice, though - not when he was asked to stand up from his chair to hear the judgement that the three people currently in charge of his fate had come to. 

Feeling that everyone in the world was looking at him, Brian stood up on wobbly knees. Nolan made an offer of standing up with him, but Brian politely brushed it off - this was something he had to do on his own. 

‘Brian May,’ Miss Gerald started, which made the last of voices even out into the all-surrounding silence. ‘On August 24, 1971, you filed for a reassessment of your stay at Queen Mary’s Psychiatric Institution until your psychiatrist would dismiss you. Today on September 24, we - Professor Sumner, Mister Carlston, and I myself, Edna Gerald - were sent on behalf of the South East England Mental Health Facilitation to reassess your case.’ Miss Gaskell paused for a second, which gave Brian the opportunity to wonder if repeating the entire setting was part of an official protocol, or if she just enjoyed making him more nervous than he was already. ‘With the help of both written and spoken statements of Sarah Gaskell, clinical psychiatrist; Nolan Ferrier, client mentor and qualified nurse; Jasper Vee, therapist; Jim Fisher, independent psychiatrist; and the client himself, we were able to come to a final judgement in line with the protocol regarding early dismissal of mentally afflicted persons.’

Come on! Hurry up! Brian was rather sure he could hear some people voicing their impatience with the endless taunting of the head of the committee representants in the back of the room. He felt a surge of relief that someone was finally saying what had been on his mind ever since the judges had returned to the meeting room, but at the same time he heavily disagreed, since he was not at all ready to receive the final note to this judgement. He knew he could not stop the tide, and while he was aching to finally hear what the judges had to say, he at the same time wished it had been socially acceptable to cover his ears with his hands and run out of the room. He performed neither of these actions, of course, and instead took to chewing on his lower lip while Miss Gerald covered some more factual trivialities while actively ignoring the sighs and protests from the crowd.

‘... and we have tried our utmost to adhere to all the rules and regulations, both from our employer, from the British Mental Health Association, and from the law of the kingdom under which we operate. Then, as for our judgement,’ Miss Gerald switched to the topic everyone had been waiting for, and Brian, although he could not see what was happening either next to or behind him, could swear he could sense everyone moving to sit on the tip of their chair. 

Miss Gerald opened yet another folder and addressed Brian by his full name. ‘Brian Harold May… Upon first receiving your case we felt sceptical, as we, if my co-workers allow me to speak on behalf of all of us, always do. You see, there is a reason why psychiatrists are the ones to dismiss their patients from their care, and not the patients themselves. Psychiatrists studied to understand mental progress and regress, they know the difference between having a good mental state or simply having a good mental day, they can calculate the risks and advantages of releasing their patients, which is something the patient, being obsessed only with being released from the grips of mental health care, does not see.’ Brian was not entirely sure how happy he was with this condescending, prejudiced outlook on mentally ill people, but it did not seem like he would be was given the chance of objecting, for Miss Gerald blabbered on. 

‘Reassessment is meant for people who fear they are being kept in mental health facilities for too long, because their caretakers mistreat them and disregard their freedom. But as Queen Mary’s has never been known as a place of malpractices, we found it unlikely that you would have a fair point. Nevertheless, as our position required us to treat every appeal for reassessment without prejudice, we looked into it - after all, we would not have been here if we hadn’t.’ Miss Gaskell flashed Brian a smile as if it was somehow funny that her precalculated opinions on mentally ill people and her opinion of when reassessment was valid potentially could have cost him his chance of leaving early, if it had not been for the official policy of her position.

‘We then found that the case you submitted, together with the motivation from your psychiatrist, mentor, and therapist made sense - especially because your caretakers supported you,’ Miss Gerald told the audience, which again did not give Brian the best of feelings. ‘Mister Fisher’s report, and the diary segments and everything you submitted, all convinced us you were a strong and largely recovered individual ready to be released and pick up your life again outside of Queen Mary’s.’ Miss Gerald smiled, so Brian smiled back at her - but he regretted it instantly when she dropped the next line. ‘You can imagine what a disappointment it was to us when, upon hearing you out today, we discovered that you’d gone for a reassessment simply because your best friend was going to leave.’

Brian felt his heart sink in his chest, could hear his pulse in the complete silence the room fell into. This was what he had been afraid of all along - that the judges were going to use his arguments of wanting to leave for the sake of both John and himself against him now that they had found out about it and had made him open up about the topic. They found him weak, clingy, dependent; all a borderline sufferer was supposed to be according to the books so conveniently largely written by Doctor Sumner. 

All the reasons why he should stay at Queen Mary’s for as long as possible. 

As Brian brought up one hand to wipe at the suddenly moist area around his eyes, he suddenly noticed that the silence around him had broken up. There was no more soundlessness in the meeting room - sound of protest and outright booing were aimed at the judges, who Brian could see from the corners of his eyes tried to hush people with hand gestures of some sort, to little avail.

‘However,’ Miss Gerald started, but she dropped her sentence when the booing got louder the second she opened her mouth. ‘I’m not done talking yet!’ she all but exclaimed, and crossed her arms over her chest as to demonstrate her refusal to speak up until the crowd had calmed down again. Brian heard the guards behind him urging people to be quiet, which they eventually did when they were reminded they were making tension worse for Brian. Even if the judges did not, the audience supported his case still, apparently.

‘As I wanted to say - however, whereas my co-workers and I were at first sceptical of your dependency on Mister John Deacon, you convinced us through your well-founded rhetoric that you are not just a puppet clinging to someone else, but that your best friend is- an extension of all you have to offer, and the other way around.’ At these carefully positive words, Brian allowed himself to look up at the judges - at least two of which now bore a kinder look on their face than they had before. ‘We have come to see that you do not simply lean on John Deacon for all you do, but that he is there to lend you a hand when you need one, and vice versa. In your time together at Queen Mary’s you have formed a friendship founded on mutual love and trust that we hope will last a lifetime.’ As Miss Gerald smiled at him, Brian returned the favour - and this time, he was not let down as soon as he did so.

‘A bond like the one you built up with John Deacon is one to be cherished, and one to continue building upon. Even though we have never met him in person, we can tell through your stories and descriptions that Mister Deacon brought you to the point where you are today. And the point where you are today… seems to us as a point where it would be in your favour to follow Mister Deacon in his journey of establishing his life again.’

Miss Gerald’s voice died out for a moment, and left Brian with a lingering buzz in his ears. He tried to comprehend all that he had just been told, but he could not make sense of it - the overwhelmingly positive vibe of the speech had excited him, and the praise in which John’s and his ‘friendship’ had been showered had made him hopeful. But what exactly did Miss Gerald just tell him? Following Mister Deacon in his journey of establishing his life again?

Did that mean…?

Brian turned to Nolan, then back to the judges, and then to Nolan again. ‘Does that-’ he squeaked rather helplessly, making a vague gesture of the hand which he could not make out the meaning of himself.

‘So what- what is your final judgement on the client’s- this reassessment case, Miss Gerald?’ Nolan asked. He tried hard not to stumble over his own words, but in his current fit of enthusiasm, he didn’t succeed - not that anyone cared as they heard the reply of the judge.

‘Our unanimous judgement is that if Mister May promises to continue his medication and weekly therapy sessions to help him beat his depression and manage his borderline, we approve of his reassessment, and of him being put in the accelerated dismissal trajectory that will allow him to return home anywhere between seven to fourteen days from today.’ 

All of the words related to protocols, trajectories, and conditions completely missed Brian - all he could hear were those five words, that one little sentence that set him free.

We approve of his reassessment.

We approve of his reassessment!

Brian clamped a hand over his mouth and sank back into his chair as the meaning of these words reached him. All of these last few weeks, all of the effort, the diaries, the forms, the therapy sessions, the tension, the stress, the hope and the despair - it all amounted to this one moment, this one sentence that would release both him and John from a foreseeable future without each other. This was the moment that set them both free from all their anxieties, their fears, and their desperation.

This was the moment their real life together could begin.

The crowd behind Brian had erupted in noise - yelling, clapping, cheering, the sound of chairs scratching the carpeted surface of the floor, people high fiving and walking around and congratulating each other. He felt the hands of people on his back to give him a pat on the shoulder or to full-on hug him from the back in an attempt to congratulate him on the outcome of his case. He heard Jasper telling people to keep their distance, and most of all, their calm - one when neither of those worked, it was Nolan who pulled him to his feet to go and thank the judges. 

It was at this exact moment that he was half-dragged towards the podia that Brian realised that he had not gotten to hug or even share a word with his friends yet - or, even more scandalous, he had not even been able to look at his boyfriend. Brian thus made quick work of treading up the few steps of stairs and shake hands with the three people behind the desk, who had stood up for the occasion.

‘Thank you- thank you so much, thank you,’ Brian said, his right hand moving quickly to accept the outstretched arms of the judges, while his left continued to wipe at his wet cheeks. Tears of relief and all the weight suddenly falling off his shoulders just kept coming, slowly but surely, but luckily none of the judges seemed to mind specifically. Even Sumner gave him a smile and wished him well in a voice as genuine as Brian had ever heard it sound. It was not enough to prevent Brian from determinedly calling him Doctor Sumner one more time, but it did make him feel on top of the world.

Now having fulfilled his formal obligations, there was only one thing on Brian’s mind, and that was to reach his friends and his partner as soon as he could. The room had been transformed into chaos in a matter of the half-minute during which he had been occupied, but he could detect Roger’s messy blond hair from the same spot where they had been sitting during the hearing - and from there, he soon faced up with John himself. A smile spread out over John’s face, the sight of which made Brian tear up just a little more than he had done before. He regretted every second he had spent away from the moment the veil had been lifted, even if this could not have been more than a few minutes. He was going to make it up to John right then. 

Brian stepped one foot into the direction of the stairs, then another, and the first one again - until he passed down the stairs with a speed he could not remember having attained. John, who seemed to understand his intentions, broke away from the small group of people that had gathered around him and his friends, lightly yet determinedly pushed someone out of his way, and quite literally broke through the row of chairs Brian and the staff previously had been sitting on. 

The noise which the chair clattering to the floor produced attracted the attention of some people across the room, but neither Brian nor John particularly cared; all they aimed for was to reach each other as soon as they could, a goal which they would not put on hold because some bystanders had seen them making a run for each other. If anything, it made them more determined to be close to each other soon - which they did a mere second later, meeting in a clash of chests pressing against each other and arms reaching out to wrap themselves around backs, not to let go again anywhere soon. 

The mere act of being reunited with John, this time while knowing for a fact that they would leave Queen Mary’s and start their new lives together soon, was enough to bring tears to Brian’s eyes for a second time. Burying his face in the crook between John’s neck and shoulder, Brian allowed the tears to run free. He vaguely noticed the presence of new people around them - quite literally around them, as two pairs of arms joined around the embrace John and he had previously established. Judging by the soreness of one and the boniness of the other, they had to be Freddie and Roger. 

‘It’s alright. It’s all fine,’ John told him. ‘Everything’s going to be alright from now off.’ Brian weakly nodded against his shoulder, and let out a shaky sigh of relief. It was as if hearing John say that all was going to be fine was the thing that really convinced Brian that this was real, that the entire reassessment had been real, and that having been dismissed was real.

‘We’re so proud of you.’ In the midst of tears and smiles Brian could not tell which one of the three people currently hanging all over him said this, but he appreciated it nonetheless. Cheered on by what sounded like the majority of the audience, he allowed all three of his friends to hold him and to celebrate their win for a minute or so, until eventually Brian carefully detached himself from everyone around him and took a step back.

‘John?’ he called to further clarify that he needed a word with his partner only. Freddie and Roger took a step back to a place Brian could not make out right away, and neither did he exactly care about where they went to. All that mattered in that exact moment was John, who was standing before him and who looked more radiant than a thousand shining stars. 

‘John…’ Brian whispered, a broken smile on his still tearstained face. There was so much he wanted to say to him - that he loved him, that he never could have done this, any of this - both Queen Mary’s and the reassessment process - without him. That he looked forward so much to living with him, going back to university with him, making music with him, building up his life with him outside of the walls inside which all of their current memories together lay. He wanted to say so much, but could not utter more than a choked-up ‘thank you’. 

‘I want to thank you. Because you did this - you did all of this,’ John told him, wiping a line of tears from Brian’s cheek with his thumb.

‘I know,’ Brian choked out. ‘I’m- we’re gonna get out of here.’

The smile on John’s lips grew wider, and he took a step forwards so that Brian was in reach for him to bring on a hand and put it on Brian’s shoulder. Through a haze of lingering tears, Brian could swear he could see John coming closer, his lips no longer in a smile but slightly pursed - as if to kiss him. 

Caught off guard by this action Brian had not foreseen, Brian said: ‘Are you- are you sure?’

John opened his eyes at this and blinked. ‘Why wouldn’t I be?’ he asked gently. 

‘I mean- er, my parents are here,’ Brian blurted out. ‘Everyone’s here?’ It was not even a criticism - it were not reasons why he would not want to kiss, at any rate, and apparently those factors also hadn’t stopped John from leaning in for a kiss. In all honesty, Brian had no idea why he had bought up the question of John being sure. He supposed it was because he was still overwhelmed and emotional from all that had happened during the span of about an hour, because now that he was thinking about it, he really, really did want to kiss John. Currently having John blink at him, and then glance around to look at a multitude of people - many of whom were still talking and rushing around excitedly, but some of which had fallen quiet as the scene unfolded before them - was counterproductive to this pursuit. It took away from previous time that could be spent kissing, pressing his lips together with John’s to claim his mouth and wordlessly show him how much he loved him.

Luckily, after having looked around at the spectators, John came to the same conclusion Brian had reached. ‘I don’t care,’ John whispered when he locked eyes with him.

Brian let out a breathy laugh, then found himself drowning in those seas of grey. ‘Me neither.’

So while Sarah and Nolan were called over to sign the papers that would irrevocably set Brian free from the responsibility and care of Queen Mary’s Psychiatric Institution, Brian’s arm found itself its way around John’s neck, and he kissed John with a passion he hoped to maintain forevermore now that they had been set free to build up one life together. 

That was Part 17, and with that, the main line for The Clinic! It’s been a wild ride, and I want to thank you all for sticking with me – it means a lot, and I could not have done it without you! I’d like to invite you all to stick around for a little longer for the epilogue, which I hope will kind of make up for the angst and cliff hangers I’ve pulled you all through. I’m not giving away spoilers, but I promise to leave them all in the best place possible! ^^

Again, please tell me what you thought of this part (or some detail, or the Clinic in general, or whatever) and I hope to see you around for the epilogue!

[trashcats-for-trashwriting]

Response to Claims

Long post. TL;DR I don’t ignore claims made against me and am always open to be contacted with questions.

TW FOR GRAPHIC DISCUSSIONS OF TRIGGERING CONTENT

@riverclan​ is the only person I’ll directly mention because I do believe in not sending the wolves after anyone. RiverClan has made it clear they wish to attack me personally, though, so I figure I’ll respond directly in a way they will see.

I know you did, but unfortunately I don’t have those DMs anymore because I removed you from the friends list I have once we were done. If you’d like to get into swapping screenshots, we can be friends on Discord again and I’ll gladly grab those for us both.

Vent chats are for venting? Self deprecation is a form of venting, and it wasn’t for being admonished by staff either? I accepted responsibility for the strike I received for god modding. I’m sorry that real life happens to coincide with Internet life from time to time.

When I was kicked, I was not told that minors came forward feeling unsafe. I was told that staff was making a preliminary move before something of the sort could happen. In their own message on their blog, there is no mention of prior complaints against me from minors of the server.

This one perplexes me the most because I don’t recall these conversations. My memory is imperfect and so if you or those who came to you still have the screenshots I would love to see them to refresh my memory and properly address this claim. My RPs have always had a no NSFW rule and, even in chats where some content to that extent was allowed (dirty jokes are a good example). graphic depictions of anything NSFW were not permitted. I don’t recall the conversations you claim to know about because, again, I don’t have a perfect memory to think back over a year.

To the account of the villain, yes, she was a product of such a negative encounter. That part of her story was heavily trigger warned both in the bio and in the linked biography I provided if players wished to know more about the main villain in the plot. It was not a part of the story beyond mention in a background of a character. I don’t know why I should apologize for heavily warning folks about what a document entailed and a brief mention of trauma in a character’s history when we all suffer trauma in our day to day lives.

Again, if you have the contextual screenshots for this, that would be great.

I mean that could just be because most people have had past transgressions explained to them? As for credibility, I have heavily referenced with screenshotted evidence when possible. The paypal plug is a nice touch.

@riverclan Also reblogged an old post from after Clans of the Cape went down from members. However, they failed to reblog the full version. 

Here is the one they reblogged.

Here is the one that you can easily access on my blog via a search of the tag "clans of the cape”.

I’ve addressed those complaints before so I’ll not go into it here again.

FROM HERE CLAIMS ARE OF OTHER USERS AND THEIR USERNAMES WILL NOT BE PUBLICIZED.

I’ve admitted more than once that RidgeClan’s lore was handled poorly. I apologized for it multiple times as well but I understand my word means little to most people on this side of the argument. We didn’t spring a whole ass revolution on members, either, since it was heavily implied with context. The Clan you’re referencing - BayClan, I believe - was highly religious. We encouraged members more than once to hold to that, and mentioned a major plot point would be that the leader, Lilystar, was believed by the most religious to be cursed. I’m sorry if this comes as a shock to you, but oftentimes major plot points are implied but not revealed until the moment of truth for the sake of suspense. Hence why general warriors were not informed of the date, time, or place of the civil war in BayClan.

If you have questions, comments, or concerns, you can reach me here or via bepbep_beaches#6020 on Discord. I am happy to discuss any accusations in person and will gladly provide as much evidence as I am able to give.

[lovemesomesurveys]

What’s your hair like? A mess. It’s long, wavy, and a mix of my natural dark brown hair and the red that I dye it because it’s been several months since I’ve gotten my hair done and my roots are very overgrown. It also needs a trim. Is there someone you can’t help but stare at? Alexander Skarsgard. How do you feel about teenagers claiming to be in love? It’s hard for me to understand because I can’t imagine feeling that at such a young age and I kind of feel like it’s easy to get caught up in the emotions and lust due to hormones, and I wonder if they know what it really means, but who am I to say what they feel? To them it’s real, they’re the ones feeling it. Plus, I’m almost 30 and I’m not sure I even really know what it means or if I’ve ever actually been in love. I thought so, but I’m not so sure now. Are you dating anyone? If so, for how long? No. Do you believe in long distance relationships? They work for some people. I’ve never had one.

Do you have unlimited texting? Yes, even though I hardly ever text. What’s your favorite button on the keyboard? All the ones I use. Do you like your handwriting? No, it’s awful. Your biggest fear? Losing my loved ones, dying, never amounting to anything or never doing anything with my life, things getting worse or never getting better... What’s on your walls? Some posters/paintings and decals. Do you like perfume? Yeah, some. Are you a guy or a girl? Girl. Do you prefer to have girls as friends or guys? I don’t really have a preference. If we vibe, we vibe.  What’s the top thing you look for in a S.O.? Someone who is patient, understanding, caring, and kind are especially important to me. Last words you heard and from who? My mom saying “goodnight.” Why do people cheat on each other? There’s a variety of reasons.

What’s your favorite brand of pencil? I don’t have one. Do you wake up by an alarm clock? If so, isn’t the BEEEEEP annoying? Yes, but it’s not a “BEEEEEP”, it’s something I chose from the options on my phone. It’s like an instrumental song type one. The last song you listened to? I have Señorita by Shawn Mendes and Camilla Cabello stuck in my head. The person you go to for advice? If anyone, my mom. Are you one of those people who just HAS to vent to somebody in some form? No. I don’t like doing that with people. I hate burdening others with my stuff and unloading on them, so I don’t do it much. I save that mostly for surveys and Twitter. Do you have Myspace, facebook, and myyearbook? I have all 3, but only my Facebook is active. I haven’t used Myspace or myyearbook in like 10 years, myyearbook even longer, but my account still exists out there. I don’t recal using myyearbook much, I think I just signed up to check it out. How do you feel about avril lavigne? I like some of her songs. I haven’t listened to her music in awhile, though. I wonder what happened to her. Don’t you hate it when people don’t say your name right? Nah. Now and then someone will mispronounce my last name, which I don’t understand, but I don’t hate it. It rarely happens.  Have you heard of Paramore? If not, look them up. :) Yes, I’ve known of them for years. I actually saw them in concert once as well. Who’s your favorite sibling? I don’t like choosing favorites when it comes to family members. I’m closer to my younger brother. Favorite Parent? I’m closer to my mom.  What do you want to do for a living? I don’t know. :/

Do you know anyone with down syndrome? No. Does anyone you know have a birthday this week? Mine is tomorrow.  What do you think of the middle name ‘Jane’? I don’t think anything about it. What’s your favorite name in the opposite gender? Alexander. Can you keep eye contact with everyone? I find it awkward to hold it too long at once, like I’ll look away for a bit and then look back and so on. What color are your eyes? Brown. Do you curl or straighten your hair? It’s been like 3 years at least since I last straightened my hair myself. When I get my hair done my hair stylist straightens it, but it’s been almost a year since I got my hair done. :X Pro-life or pro-choice? Why? What shape is your favorite bowl? Bowl shape?  Did you know the Salvation army was a church, too? I think I’ve heard that before. I hate winter. What’s your least favorite season? Ugh, SUMMER.

Do you know the difference between a hoodie and a jacket with a hood? A hoodie is more thin/lightweight.  Do you belive in 'hating’ anyone? I don’t hate anyone. Do you like Twilight? I was really into it when the books were still coming out and then the movies, but I outgrew it. Do you know the difference between loving someone and being in love? Yes. I’m not in love with a family member, but I love them. What animal that is endangered is your favorite? Giraffes. :( How do you believe the Earth and life on it was created? God. What’s your religion? Christianity. How many fingers do you have? * 10 (dont u come @ me w that “”“thumbs”“” bullsh*t either, lmao. They'are ALL fingers) <<<< Hahah. I say the same thing. Don’t get all technical with me! What about toes? 10. Do you like your teeth? No. Do you need glasses or contacts? I wear glasses. Have you considered getting contacts that change your eyecolor? What color? It’s cool, but the idea of putting in contacts freaks me out. I also prefer wearing glasses anyway.  Do you have allergies? Yes. Have you ever made a quiz? Don’t you love it when you’re on a roll? Once, a long time ago. Like pre-Tumblr days. What time zone are you in? Pacific.  Do you wish you lived some where else? Yes. Sometimes don’t you wish you could move away and start over? Yes, but unfortunately my problems would follow me. It would be nice to live somewhere else, though. I hate this city. What’s the craziest color you’ve seen on a house? I’ve seen pink, yellow, purple, and blue houses. Do you like the name Trevor? Eh. How do you pronounce Bzoink? Biz-oink. Is Taylor Swift better than the rest of the teen singers? I’m not a fan of Taylor Swift.  What time will it be in 3 hours and 2 minutes? 7:14AM. What’s your favorite brand of cereal? General Mills, Kellogs, and Post. Do you like to read? Yes. What’s your GPA? I’m doneeee with school. Isn’t annoying when you’re friends are different around different people? Depends on how they’re being different. I did have a friend who was completely different and not in a good way. Do you want a phone with a keyboard? I have a touch screen phone. Do you go to church but you aren’t sure if you believe in God? I don’t go to church right now, but I do believe in God.  What grade are you in? I’m done with school, remember? Are you shorter then most of your friends? Yes, all of them. Do you prefer a S.O. older or younger? By how much? A bit older. Like up to 5 years at most, I’d say. I just feel like the older I get; though, the harder it’ll be to find someone. I’m almost 30, but I feel so...stunted and behind in life. Someone in their mid 30s would likely be in a much different place in life and be further ahead. I don’t know if they’d want to date me with where I am in life. Do you like popcorn? I love movie theater buttered popcorn. I also love this garlic parm seasoning I get put on it at this one theater we go to. SO good. Why does corn get chewed up but come out in the original form? Ew. Are you pessimistic or optimistic? Very pessimistic. What number do you think you’re on? I’m not counting. That was # 76. What’s your bestie’s name? Was it really? Wow. Anyway, her name is Yolanda.  What size shoe do you wear? 6 in women’s.  Do you like lollipops? Nah. Don’t you hate the texture of lotion on your skin? No. Well, unless it’s like greasy. Favorite movie? I have a lot. How many words per minute do you type? I don’t know. Do you think it’s possible to meet your bestie online? I don’t have a bestie online. Do you blog or write in a journal? This is my blog and journal. Isn’t health class annoying? I didn’t find it annoying. Who’s your favorite teacher, if any? What internet browser do you use? Chrome.  Isn’t it weird to like having butterflies? No? The good butterfly feeling is nice, like the kind you get when you’re excited or you like someone.  What’s the longest flower name you can think of? *shrug* What year were you born in? 1989. What time is it, backwards? 91:4. If you had to shorten your name to 4 letters, what would it be? Step. Sam; a femine name or a male name? Whatever. What’s the prettiest cat you have seen?  All the cats I’ve ever seen.

[fvaleraye]

I’m gonna just put some of my thoughts out there for a minute, it’ll be under a cut. It’s not a vent or anything! At least that’s not the intention ‘^^ It’s just probably gonna get long(correction: it did get long. Like, REALLY long), and some stuff in it might not be everyone’s cup of tea.

So...

I’ve mentioned before that my family is not the most supportive bunch, at least where things like... questioning your gender are concerned. I’ve lived with a pretty transphobic family my whole life. Still do, unfortunately. And I used to be a pretty transphobic person myself. How could I not be in the environment I grew up in? I didn’t know any better.

And that was the thing.

I didn’t know any better. All I knew about trans people was what I learned from my family bitching about them at random intervals for no other reason than they thought the concept was stupid. They’d never met a trans person in their lives, but that didn’t stop them from belittling them and making fun of them whenever they saw something related to them on the internet. I never openly belittled them like my family did, but I didn’t disagree with them either.

I had a forced sense of “normality” for my whole life. I was born male, so I was expected to act as such. Honestly, I’ve questioned my gender since I was... almost seven, I believe. I just didn’t really understand what the feelings and thoughts I was having back then. I was a kid, and, at that point, I hadn’t heard of trans people yet, so where was I supposed to go with thoughts like “but what if I’m a girl?”, “I don’t feel like I should be a boy...”, “I don’t know what I am.” Of course, I didn’t always completely relate to a more feminine image of myself(*demi*girl, and all that), but I related to it more than the expectations I put on myself.

And that was another thing, my family never really pressured me to be masculine, most of the pressure came from me. I got caught playing with my sisters dolls once when I was almost 8 and my parents lost their marbles. Of course I got a lecture about how boys can’t play with dolls... However, the topic was dropped as fast as it came up. It was never brought up again. Later, when I was around 10, was when my parents started bringing up the topic of trans people during their little discussions and started trying to dismantle the idea.

I had always pushed away the thoughts that were “different” or “weren’t right”, and getting a name for the thoughts enforced that. My parents hated the idea, so obviously I couldn’t have those thoughts. I still didn’t even completely realize what I was thinking, just that I had to act like how I was “supposed to”. I put myself into a mindset that I could not be feminine at all, ever. I used to refuse to play female characters in games, it was that ingrained into my head.

Speaking of games... Metroid was a big step for me. I first saw Samus in Smash Bros., and I thought she was a robot. I was very big into robots then, so I loved her. I didn’t find out she was a girl until we got Brawl and I used her final smash. I stopped playing her for a while, but then I just said “fuck it” and started playing her again. I thought she was cool. Eventually I got the Metroid Prime Trilogy on my Wii U. I had still been avoiding playing female characters in games, but I was willing to now. And how could I not play Samus’s games when I loved her so much in Smash? I felt comfortable playing her games, and in Smash, because she was a girl that didn’t... act like a girl. She kicked ass in a badass suit of power armor, which wasn’t a very girly thing to me, so I felt like I was “allowed” to play as her. Which was dumb, and the only person who said I wasn’t allowed was myself. I was always my biggest enemy. Video games were a big coping mechanism for me, so when I finally let myself play as female characters without an excuse... I started getting better. It wasn’t an overnight thing, and I wasn’t accepting myself solely for that, but it was a start.

Eventually I found... Undertale. Yes, Undertale. Honestly, a lot of good things in my life can be eventually traced back to that game. Undertale didn’t get me thinking about my gender or anything, no, but it got me onto tumblr. At first, I just... lurked. I didn’t have a tumblr account, I just had a few tumblr blogs that I knew of and hung around. Eventually I thought of my Undertale AU, and that’s when I finally made my tumblr account.

Of course, I only absorbed UT content at first... but, through tumblr, I was exposed to other things. I learned about different sexualities, I learned about what being transgender actually is, I learned... a lot. Or was inspired to learn. It was a slow process, but I finally started questioning myself... and accepting myself. It took me about a year of being on tumblr to question my attraction to people and accept that being attracted to everybody was okay. And it took me almost two years to come to terms with my gender identity.

Now... tumblr didn’t give me an epiphany, no. It wasn’t a magical solution to all my troubles, and I’m not gonna pretend that it was or is. No, I always knew. Tumblr just helped me be open-minded enough to accept what I already knew. And tumblr brought people into my life that helped me figure everything out.

I realized why I was never happy with myself.

I am... not a very feminine looking person. There are a lot of things I hate about myself. A lot of things that I want to be, but am not.

I want to be... feminine. I want to be petite. I want to be cute. I want to look good in skirts. I want to wear heels... okay maybe not that last bit, but I won’t know until I try-

I wish I could go back and just be born the way I wanted to be. But I was born the way I am. Do I plan on transitioning someday? Fuck yes, I’d love to! I want nothing more than a body I can be comfortable with. However... it’s a medical procedure, and those are always stupidly expensive. And I am terrified of surgery. I think my biggest fear is surgery... If there's a way I could transition without surgery? Even if it’s only partially? I can live with that. At least I think I can live with that. I hope I can. I’d just like to avoid going broke or getting put on a surgical table. I just want to look like the kind of person someone else can look at and think “oh, she’s cute”. I think the hardest part of getting to transition would be getting out of this house. I’m disabled, I have a hard time functioning, especially when it comes to things that people would consider work, and I’m at risk of losing my disability checks because the people who are in charge of these things seem to think that my IQ is too high for an ‘actual’ autistic person to have(I have other disabilities alongside that, but that’s another discussion altogether.) I’m just. Kind of fucked. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to get out of this house, to support myself... I hope I’m wrong. But the chances of me living away from my family aren’t looking good.

I won’t let it stop me, though. I’m going to try. I keep thinking I’m on a time limit, especially since I’m gonna turn 20 this year, but my uncle lived with my grandmother until well into his forties, and y’know what? He moved out recently, and he’s doing great! If he can do it... I just have to keep in mind that my life’s not gonna get better overnight. It’s a process. My life will get better... it may take years, it may be a long, long time from now...

But it will get better.

[smversekrp]

we have received a rather lengthy anonymous message, and for clarity purposes, i have made the decision to break the message down into parts and place it under a read more.

just as a reminder to this anonymous sender and to anyone else who may be looking for clarification - smverse is not a roleplay revolving around a reality television show entangled with drama. it is based on a fictional documentary series, and since the people within the series work closely together, we’re aware that people may end up having ic drama at any point in time (or they may not have any drama, and that’s fine, too, as that’s not a main focal point of the collective.) as stated in our rules, ooc drama will never be tolerated.

we don’t wish any ill will on this anonymous sender whatsoever, and this will be the first and last time we will be posting about any of these claims on this blog.   ♡

anonymous said: You want direct? Here's direct. And I'm certain you won't even publish this, that's why you asked for the topics to be closed correct? So you could silence people.

admin response: hello there! i asked for messages of this nature to be redirected to my personal tumblr (@fleurlite), not on the roleplay’s tumblr account, since life is heavy for both the other admin and i right now, and i didn’t want to add extra anxiety or stress onto them by people berating us for things that we didn’t personally do. everyone has the freedom and the right to express their point of view, but just like we all have the right to do that, we all also have the right to protect our peace and our mental health. i know that there are various reasons why people may not be able to feel empathy, but if you’re able to, i’d like you to put yourselves into our shoes and imagine that you’ve put a lot of time, effort, and energy into building the framework for a community just for other people to try to tear it down (before it has even opened, mind you) through assumptions and accusations for things that were outside of your control. it’s been a lot on both of us. additionally, we don’t think that it would be fair for other people who had absolutely nothing to do with any of this to have to be subjected to such complaints, and i hope that you can understand that.

anonymous said:  Your members take their toxic behavior beyond just ic, they have brought their urge to harass and poke fun ooc as well. It's not like it's a mun having a muse that fights with other characters because the mun thinks it will be fun and there is no hard feelings. These muns take ic happenings or sometimes even ooc happenings and create a hostile environment both in and out of character.

admin response: in all three of the roleplays that we have hosted on mewe, we have never once been approached by anyone saying that their ic drama has leaked into people being harassed or bullied ooc, and if this has happened to you, we find that to be extremely unfortunate and we wish that you would’ve approached us when it was happening. we have always tried our best to be there for our members, and when our members did approach us with concerns between each other, we were always able to settle the issues peacefully and with respect. in multiple roleplays of ours, we would open the floor in the ooc chat when the ic drama would get a bit too much to let people express themselves and their boundaries in regards to ic drama, and we intend to keep that practice going for future roleplays of ours.

anonymous said:  If its strictly drama between characters for fun, then why take things to vent blogs to mock, belittle, call names, and insult? You say this is a safe place and that those people may not be here, but we all know they are since they clearly took to vent blogs to defend you in that same aggressive tone of voice as always. 

admin response: if anyone who you’ve deemed to be toxic in those ways have made their way into our new roleplay, they must have used different aff/tumblr accounts to apply for their muse, because the majority of people who’ve joined haven’t been in any of our roleplays before. i don’t want to jump to conclusions, but i think that we can both agree that people in krp can easily jump into things just to troll, and that very well could have been what happened on the vent blogs when there was belittlement, mocking, etc. happening, and they may not even have ever been in any of our roleplays and just wanted to throw in their two cents in order to entertain themselves. of course, they also could be people who’ve been in our roleplays before as well, but since the majority of ask submissions on such blogs are anonymous, there’s no way of knowing who sent what in, unfortunately. 

anonymous said:  Hard to see you as having good intentions when you've yet to acknowledge your own roles in how things got as bad as they did previously.

admin response: we sincerely only have good intentions when we make our roleplays, and it has never been anything less than that. it’s difficult to take responsibility for the actions of other muns or their muses, as everyone is in charge of controlling themselves and their own muses. as admins, we don’t have the power to tell people how they can play their muse (with certain exceptions, of course), nor do we have 100% visibility or awareness of things that may have been going on between members (due to personal DMs, potential secret groupchats, etc). please be assured that we did what we could in times when the ic drama would boil over too much. as stated previously, if you had any specific grievances before, we genuinely wish that you would have approached us sooner.

anonymous said:  In an ideal world where muns could actually keep ic in character and not escalate it to the point where grudges are held ooc and other characters are encouraged to ignore your character, not plotting drama sounds fun. But with this group of people? Best of luck to you.

admin response: we didn’t have any awareness of that happening in past roleplays of ours, as no one has ever approached us about that happening, nor have we seen specific members being encouraged to be ignored due to things that happened publicly. from our point of view, it seemed like the ic drama was fine and that people were enjoying themselves, especially once we opened the floor for people to discuss boundaries in the ooc chat. i’m not sure who you’re referring to when you say “this group of people”, but as stated previously, the majority of our members haven’t been in any of our roleplays before, so it’s not fair to assume that they are toxic or problematic people - we’re sure that they’re good, fine folks.

anonymous said: This will and badly again so good thing you got both vent blogs to agree to silencing people who have anything remotely negative to say about your community.

admin response: none of our previous roleplays have ended on a bad note: love island season 2 closed early because it was too much to maintain with our mental health at the time, too hot to handle naturally closed when the season was over, and love island season 3 naturally closed when the season was over as well. 

once again, everyone has the right to their opinions, but we shouldn’t have to be subjected to cruel words and statements for things that other people did. at the end of the day, we’re people, too, and we’re just trying to enjoy a hobby with others. if you need to chat about anything else, please hit me up on my personal tumblr - preferably, via IM or logged into a tumblr account since i won’t be posting about roleplay matters on there. thanks for reading!

[meepface]

i’ve had a weird day so far and doing this is purely for distraction purposes just ignore me

1) What images do you have set for your desktop/cell phone wallpapers?

home screen

and my lock screen is my gf

2) Have you ever had a crush on a teacher?

oooohhh yeah. one of my first super gay crushes was on my 7th grade english & composition teacher Ms. Lawrence. i just recently unadded her on facebook bc i thought it was weird that i had her added but i’m a lil sad i did it bc that was a big ol phase of my life and i liked her soooo much ya know. i also had a big crush on this dorky geography/tennis/psychology teacher Mr. Whittlesey. he was so cute and goofy i love that man

3) What was your last text message?

i was offering to drive over to visit a friend and bring her comfort food bc her and her fiance just broke up :(

4) What do you see yourself doing in 10 years?

uhh i don’t really think that far ahead but hopefully i am happy and have a stable job and hopefully i’m with the person who i’m planning on spending forever with and i have a nice lil place. maybe i’ve even finally moved out of texas by then

5) If you could be anywhere else right now, where would you be?

honestly the mountains would be really nice. i really miss em and they make me feel really happy n peaceful and idk if my family and i are going to get to go or not this summer

6) What was your coolest Halloween costume?

idk one year i wrote “life” on a shirt and went around handing people lemons all night which was Extra as hell but it was also sort of iconic

7) What was your favorite 90s show?

friends

8) Who was your last kiss?

my gf

9) Have you ever been stood up?

no i don’t believe so

10) Favorite ice cream flavor?

mint chocolate chip

11) Have you been to Las Vegas?

no but my parents have been WITHOUT my brother and i!! i would love to go at least one time though

12) Your favorite pair of shoes?

i like my vans they’re comfy

13) Honestly, have you ever cheated on your significant other?

no, that is one thing i would never do. esp since it was done to me and even though our relationship hadn’t been that serious, it still sucked 

14) What is your favorite fruit?

watermelon and peaches and apricots

15) Have you talked to anyone on tumblr that you could see yourself dating/having sex with? If possible?

honestly? i maybe could’ve seen myself dating a few people here but only if they were here in person with me lol i'm not interested in online relationships at all so

16) Are you into hookups? Short or long term relationships?

long term relationships i ain’t tryna mess around rn

17) Do you smoke? If so, what?

i don’t but i would like to smoke weed at least once in my life just to experience it ya know

18) What do you do to get over your anger?

sing really loudly to music in my car until i am Tired or just vent on my private sideblog

19) Do you believe in God?

i’m sure there’s something out there but who knows what

20) Does the person you’re in love with know it?

yes

21) Favorite position?

laying the fuck down

22) What’s your horoscope sign?

aries

23) Your fears?

settling for less than i deserve or want just bc being happy requires work that seems scary or difficult or would hurt someone, scorpions, the ocean, walking sticks, horses, never being enough for anyone, not finding stability in my life

24) How many pets do you have? What kind?

i have four dogs named Sophie, Millie, Rusty Bob and Joey

25) What never fails to turn you on?

gettin soft kisses on my stomach n hips

26) Your idea of a perfect first date?

we do some sort of fun activity together, we have a nice dinner and maybe chill in our cars after and talk n maybe kiss a bunch depending on how the date went

27) What is something most people don’t know about you?

i can sing kinda well ?? maybe not anymore it’s been a while since i have but i used to be in musical theatre and they wanted me to be a lead role in the musical but i was too much of a pussy and i didn’t

28) What makes you feel the happiest?

having fun bein surrounded by people i love, also when dogs are so happy to see you that their tails wag their whole butt

29) What store do you shop at most often?

probably forever 21 or h&m bc i’m all about affordable clothing that’s semi-cute

30) How do you feel about oral? Giving and/or receiving?

i’m down for both 

31) Do you believe in karma?

sure

32) Are you single?

nope

33) Do you think flowers or candy are a better way to apologize?

“i’m sorry, i understand that this hurt you and i understand why and i will work on not doing this again in the future” followed by actually working on not doing that again in the future is the better way to apologize, actually

34) Are you a good swimmer?

eh i’m okay

35) Coffee or Tea?

coffee

36) Online shopping or shopping in person?

in person 

37) Would you rather be older or younger than your current age?

i kinda like being 20 i think it’s nice to be right in the middle

38) Cats or Dogs?

dogs

39) Are you a competitive person?

in mario kart maybe but generally no

40) Do you believe in aliens?

yes!!!!!!!!!!!!

41) Do you like dancing?

yes but i’m no good at it

42) What kind of music to you listen to?

i like upbeat alternative music generally

43) What is your favorite cartoon character?

eeyore

44) Where are you from?

texas unfortunately

45) Eat at home or eat out?

idk my dad’s home cooked meals have gotten pretttttty good but if i can’t have whatever he’s making then i wanna eat out

46) How much more social are you when you’re drunk?

i’m definitely more talkative and i laugh out loud a lot more

47) What was the last thing you bought for yourself?

i bought myself a meal last night but today i’m gonna go out and buy myself some shorts and a bikini so i’m hyped for that

48) Why do you think your followers follow you?

probably from when i blogged about youtubers back in the day, also i hosted these selfie party things and shared everyone’s selfies to boost their confidence and so many people followed me bc of those

49) How many hours do you sleep at night?

not enough

50) What worries you most about the future?

not finding stability in what i want to do and not doing what i want and what would make me happy just bc it would be challenging

51) If you had a friend that spoke to you the same way you speak to yourself, how long would you be friends?

i’m learnin a whoooole lot of self love so maybe we’d be friends a lil longer than i would’ve been if you’d asked me this in like, february 

52) Are you happy with yourself?

i mean? i’m happy with where i’ve come. definitely could improve but ya know. baby steps

53) What do you wish you didn’t know?

there’s too many things i wish i didn’t know to be honest

54) What big lesson could people learn from your life?

puttin other people first too much only makes you know and love yourself less

55) If you could live in any home on a television series, what would it be?

the loft from New Girl

56) What’s your favorite Website?

runescape 

57) What’s the habit you’re proudest of breaking?

getting rid of this fb account i had and then also this private twitter account i had that i sorta used to vent and also overshare too much lmao

58) What was your most recent trip of more than 50 miles?

i went to NYC before christmas last year!! my family and i are hoping we’ll be able to go to Washington this year 

59) What’s the best bargain you’ve ever found at a garage sale or thrift store?

probably my mug that says “i’m too sexy to be 60″ that i bought for like $2

60) What do you order when you eat Chinese food?

i reaaaaally like kung pao chicken but sometimes i like to get sweet and sour or sesame chicken and then i’ll get wonton soup and eggrolls and white rice and sometimes edamame ooooo my god

61) If you had to be named after one of the 50 states, which would it be?

idaho just so i could call myself a ho all the time

62) If you had to teach a subject to a class, what would it be?

psychology or cinematography

63) Favorite kind of chips?

lays limón chips

64) Favorite kind of sandwich?

i really like the new york italian sandwich from Thundercloud 

65) Which do you use more often, the dictionary or the thesaurus?

dictionary probably??

66) Have you ever been stung by a bee?

nope but one time i was carrying a balloon and a bee came up and stung my balloon and died and i was like oh

67) What’s your favorite form of exercise?

just goin for a walk is nice

68) Are you afraid of heights?

not heights but falling lmao

69) What’s the most memorable class you’ve ever taken?

probably my film class junior year of high school. i was part of the school’s daily announcement team and we made intros for it based off of popular TV shows and we did this whole project about drinking and driving and my teacher was so great and i had a crush on every single boy in that class

70) What’s your favorite breakfast?

i love breakfast tacos

71) Do you like guacamole?

yes

72) Have you ever been in a physical fight?

i punched a girl in kindergarten but she didn’t hit me back and i pushed a kid over in spy camp in like fourth grade but he didn’t fight me back and i shoved a really stoned guy in a pit at a concert two years ago bc he was being a dick but he was too stoned to fight me back so what i’m saying is i sort of have tried to start a fight but nobody has taken one for the team and kicked my ass yet

73) What/who are you thinking about right now?

i’m thinking about how today sorta sucks but i feel like, too sad to go out and hang out with someone and do something about it so i am just going to stay here. maybe i will eat soon if i can get myself out of bed lol

74) Do you like cuddling?

it’s my faaaaavorite

75) Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?

yeah

76) Have you ever experienced one of your biggest fears?

yeah lol 

77) Favorite city you’ve been to?

hmm i really really liked Hood River, Oregon but probably mostly bc of the people i knew there and everything making it special. i loved Columbus, Ohio for that same reason too. i thought Ohio was gorgeous. i also loved Flagstaff, Arizona just because it was beautiful and quaint and i would love to go back

78) Would you break the law to save a family member?

depends on the family member

79) Talk about an embarrassing moment?

just a few weeks ago i was in my summer class and we had about 10 minutes until we got out and it’s like 1 so i was starving and ready for lunch so i was looking at my food options in the area and next thing i knew Siri screams into my quiet classroom “starting route to Raising Cane’s”, and everybody laughed and my teacher was Annoyed. and then when we finally got out i thought everybody had moved on and then the guy who sat next to me, WHO HAD NEVER SPOKEN TO ME ONCE, goes “have fun at Raising Cane’s!”

80) Are there any causes you strongly believe in?

anything to do with women/POC/LGBTQIA+ rights 

81) What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

one time i was showin off on my razor scooter while zoomin down a steep hill and i fell off and got scars all over my body and a young girl witnessed it but didn’t say anything or do anything she just left me layin there and crying on the pavement 

82) Favorite day of the week?

thursday is nice

83) Do you consider yourself sexually open minded?

uhh i mean yeah i guess

84) How do you feel about porn?

i feel like it gives you really false expectations about what sex is going to be like when people watch too much of it

85) Which living celebrity would you like to know?

i’d like to be good ol pals with Mamrie Hart still

86) Who was your hottest ex?

my exes were all ugly

87) Do you want/have kids?

i think i would like kids at some point. at least one

88) Has anyone ever told you that they wanted to marry you?

yes

89) Do you get easily distracted?

yes sometimes

90) Ass or titties?

titties

91) What is your favorite word?

serendipity

92) How do you feel about tattoos?

i have three and i love em. go for it pal

93) Do you have any pets?

i have four dogs

94) How tall are you?

5′7

95) How old are you?

20

96) 3 physical features you get complimented on a lot?

my hair, my eyes, my stomach

97) Is there anything you’re really passionate about?

yes i am v passionate about supporting other women!!!! and also about trying to be kind to everyone the most you can be bc i hear so many people spout rude things about people they don’t even know (esp when driving) and it’s like stop and listen to yourself lmao

98) Do you have trust issues?

a little bit but i’m trying to be more open and it hasn’t hurt me yet so

99) Do you believe in love at first sight?

absolutely not. that’s called infatuation

100) What are some words that you live by? Why?

two quotes: “anything that costs your peace is too expensive” and “let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier”.

i think the first one is important because i have a tendency of putting myself through a lot of shit to make other people happy and then i’m really unhappy and it’s just not a good way to live. i am really trying to learn this one. and the second one i think is important because being good to other people is a very important thing and i think you never know when somebody else needs that