#i wish i could buy tjis

[vamprnce]

oh yeah I gotta show y'all this figure that killed me immediately when I saw it earlier

[tinylittlebab]

blah

[eitelle]

— seeing his ex at a cafe again

↳ with atsumu miya

genre: implied exes to lovers, angst to fluff, songfic (good 4 u by olivia rodrigo)

pairings: timeskip!atsumu miya x gn!reader

ask (too long to put here)

warnings: bits of angst, timeskip warnings

wc: 540

a/n: PLAYING SOUR WHILE IM WRITING TJIS!! so excited for my first ever songfic eek!! bro im sorry but this was so hard to do angst to fluff w this song help me-

atsumu sat in his childhood room reminiscing on that summer. the summer when you were still together. his management and himself agreed; the less people to worry about because of how popular he was, the better. at least thats how he used to feel. it had been months since he called your 4 year relationship quits. if that was so true, how come he had never felt more miserable?

You bought a new car and your career's really takin' off / It's like we never even happened / Baby, what the fuck is up with that

buying shit to replace what reminded him of you helped, and his team was in the best shape it had ever been. after losing you, atsumu threw himself into volleyball and helping MSBY excel. his hard work paid off; it was obvious to anyone but no one noticed how much pain he was in without you. so many things reminded him of you, some bad but oh so many good. so he deleted them all. might as well feel nothing than feel pain right?

And good for you, it's like you never even met me

sometimes atsumu wishes he never met you. that was always a lie though, his life was full of so much life and joy with you in it. so he took off to the place where you first met: the cafe in where it all started... and ended.

Remember when you swore to God / I was the only person who ever got you?

you were the only person who thought before he could, the brains behind the operation if you will. you understood him more than he understood himself, which is why when it all ended, it was a shock to both of you. MSBY knows your name, and your friends know his; in good and bad ways respectively. on his way to the cafe he prepared for the scenario in which he sees you. he wasnt ready. but he would never be ready, so better now than never.

Well, screw that and screw you / You will never have to hurt the way you know that I do

you both knew hurt, being in love for so long would do that to someone. breaking up really always was a two sided thing. finally arriving at the cafe, in hopping out and going back in, the first thing he sees is your face.

Well, good for you, you look happy and healthy / Not me, if you ever cared to ask

hearing those words come from your mouth stung. he knows he hurt you, but he was in pain too. he just hoped you would accept his apology. of course maybe he just realized that that miserable dark abyss in his stomach was missing you.

Good for you, you're doin' great out there without me / Baby, God, I wish that I could do that

“y/n... you look like youre doing great,” he says, his first words to you since the breakup. ‘god i wish that i could do that,’ he finishes in his mind. “do i really?,” you ask all the love and longing youve been suppressing all this time.

I've lost my mind / I've spent the night cryin' on the floor in my bathroom

those words impacted both of you. that admission showed the opening up from you to start the healing process. “im sorry baby, yer the most important thing to me. really. management is fucked but i dont really need them. i just need you. please y/n, just consider me. i care. i care more than you think. please can we just try again?” he begs, hoping for a chance with the love of his life. “itll take time. and ive missed you too for the record. but ill give us a try, you just have to give me time,” you reason. “hey baby, ill give you all the time in the goddamn world just to have you back again.”

PLS REBLOG THIS TOOK ME SO LONG IT WAS RLY HARD TO DO!!

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[threenorth]

7 years - one of the best day's of my life.

(I always thought it was July *insert dates* but since the occasion of the anniversary I had to look back at the photo in where the girl holds a weapon of a doctor and it read it said June...

- I've decided to make this now because the actual day will cripple me..)

(Edit: on June 1st ill send this... But not the actual date because i will be not online or responding.)

.

..

...

....

.....

......

Dear ,loml,Girl,Freind, Lauren,Rose

I had a mental break down on our third day in the cinema in where because I wanted to make you happy for the rest of your life, but i knew i wouldn't be able to so i left to the best of my ability to get out of your life because i knew that i would probably be the reason you never are as happy as I've always wanted you to be....

In the movie(tfios) tjis was reinforced i relaized within all disillusions of reality in my terrible mental state of mind that the only way hazel grace gor her happyness Augusts had to not be in her picture anymore.

i will have to let you go completely and it's gonna be extremely difficult for me to do that as you were and still are the girl i thought id marry and spend the rest of my life with... But the times they are changin' *blows a humonaca * Remember me to one who lives there... She once was a true love of mine.

So i decided it was for the best to cutt the ropes to the reinforced bridge and let it collapse under it's own weight and oh man it was an ugly and it hurt to watch it implode but it had to, i wasn't doing any better within my fight but i was about to be knocked down more than I could ever realise.

Maybe i can work on myself and try this therapy thing but they only told me i was depressed and there wasn't enough criteria to help with my other issues that i know was wrecking my life...

I was hoping you would stick around but i forced you away, i didn't want to hurt you as my demons were eating my mind that's the last thing i would want is to hurt you ever in anyway shape or form...

I wished everyday to hold you in my arms like the days previously so i hugged my pillow and cried till there wasnt any tears...

i don't like touch expect handshakes

I never even liked kissing my girlfriend's in person but you made me want to feel every inch bump and scar every little last part of you because you made me fit back together with one hug...and I've never felt so alive...

We never got to look under the stars by a camp fire with smores all cuddled up in a sleeping bag watching stars on your roof but you would of told me stories of the universe...

I would of told you how when i look to the stars i see the same beauty as you... those stars still do that.

I would of hoped you would of told me your life story that i never wanted to know because i knew it was rough, maybe you might of seen why i never spoke about mine in fear of traumatising you...

One day when dying your hair You asked me if i liked i blonde hair or black hair i didn't care as long as you were happy but I remember saying something like but your gonna have to dye your hair as i thought it was naturally black and you corrected me to say you were a natural blonde.. I could see you in your long blonde hair down to the knees and smile loaded to kill and that it does now, you would of had some books in hand on the way to your writers den log cabin the back woods of Washington or Oregon woods with a fireplace to make tea and write the book you wanted to make and i hope you write still... I stopped because it hurt to much.

Your smile even in black hair made me feel like this life was worth living and with a it cutt deeper -*sentence reacted*- then *redacted*

I waited years for my next trip to America and the day i would break news to you that i was coming and more so to co and i hoped it would be one day but i got three and i am forever grateful.

I remember hiding behide the door because I wanted to surprise you, and man you jumped through the roof then suffocated me with arms and played with my hair no one has ever done anything remotely close to that ever since as i want to keep my distance with everyone... Three days later i had to go to ohio ugh midwest family trump voters, the door was open and i didn't have time to knock i just had to go we had an hour before the flight and i was granted 5 minutes i had and would of hoped you would of known my voice i called out, i hadn't relaized with my undiagnosed autsim i caused you a panic attack and I'm truly sorry i caused you pain in anyway as you told me a year later and i was truly shocked my fear of hurting you had happened and even when i thought it was safe to rebuild a bridge it wasn't because i knew i couldn't control my actions... I was unstable and i had to leave again.

Back to the 5 mins on day 4 I told you i had to go but i never said goodbye Because to me it wasn't goodbye it was till we meet again... I was hoping shortly in the sense but i knew it might be awhile longer but not 7 fucking- *reacted*

I gave you the gifts i wanted on the first day but it was better to wait...

I gave you chocolate to remember the sweet taste of life.

I gave my favourite t-shirt to snuggle even with a dot of blood from my shaved face for those conservtives in the Midwest.

I gave you the weapon of the doctor to keep you safe when i couldn't be there.

I gave you an anchor necklaces to remind you that you calm the seas that are rough, and you wore it to your home coming with your blue prom dress oh man you were the girl id take to my ball/prom/home coming dance that's why i never attended mine.

I gave you a hallowed book to well at the time ultimately keep secrets in the library of old books and i was hoping it was big enough for the sonic screw driver but ultimately it would hold whatever secrets the girl wished to hide.

I gave you tea to help keep you warm and calm on those lonely bitter cold winter days, the lemon grass and ginger warms the soul and cleans.

I remember in my last turn away the hazel eye's of a girl and i saw the universe, i saw her long blonde hair and i want to make into French braids I don't know how to braid but I'd learn anything if you asked me to within reason... Because i have a few disabilities but I would try to do what ever i had to... In 2013 with my time to heal i was told to make some goals for my life...and here is some of them...

* go to college and get a degree (I spent 3 years working and trying to figure out what to do and 3 years doing it achieving this in 2018*)

* get a good job (*i got this this year because in 2019 i was diagnosed with high functioning autism and it made me spiral into doom where everything that happened to me made sense like why the kids use to call me Sheldon Cooper)

I just wanted a girl not any other girl but the girl who I found through a mutual tumblr and my word... 2012 what a year...

I have very few things left on this list and I have to make peace with that and i don't like looking up at the stars anymore but i know your on the other side of the world looking at the *more or less/slightly different* same stars.

I have a tattoo planned for you but I don't want you to know what one is you but I'm sure you're know.

You always had a way to see right through me so my re-creation my look of style was born from your vision for me with the twist of capt was my favourite avengure hes super human nothing more then enhancing his ability. I just tried to be a good man and ultimately I don't want you to feel bad for anything because your already as cute as i wanted you to become and now it's my turn to evolve and since working

I've been able to I must work out at the gym i must go to uncomfortable places,deal to my own problems one at a time little by little and i would hope by the time you read this I'm on new meds for my issues and funny how money can't buy happiness but it can buy me temporary relief but when I return whenever that is... if you are still out there wherever you are i want you to know i that.... live your life and you told me you don't want nothing to do with me so i will go my separate way, but i will always be here for you...

I thought id reach a few weeks ago because I had my first time went manic in 3 years but I couldn't control it i was stuck in mania for two weeks i tried tell you but I said things i never I asked the answers to things racing through my head... Amd now i have to live with the answers i feared and I alreday knew to be true i didn't want to know it i wanted to keep my dreams of being with you one last time this time the right time and you could of seen the man i wish i was, I'm just stuck in the middle of all these things...

Ultimately i want you to know that no matter what comes my way I've keep breathing I've never self harmed since promising you and my biggest trial is yet to start and your words haunt me but they must be the only words in my brain that aren't mine that i know aren't mine and I tried to keep my tabs on you to make sure that you were okay i didn't know if you would ever want to hear from me as the last thing i herd was i give you panic attacks and axiterty and now you give me panic attacks and axiterty.... I don't worry about them because you mean so much to me and don't worry about me I'll be okay eventually I'm in my final stages of evolution and I'm just a tad slow to catchup...

I've recently found out i have extremely flat feet that's why i gave up sports and couldn't run very far without pain and now i glasses to see clearly with an eye stigisim in where the over bearing load of one eye being more powerful has thrown my body... It is only the beginning finally and ultimately not the end but a beginning.

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to try get back to reality... It just so happens all my medical conditions from birth really fucked up my mental health.

I'm glad you are free and happy... I ju-*redacted*

If you ev-*redacted*

I'm *redacted*

I've been stuck in space for to long and now I'm grounded I'm trying to repair our friendship...

Edit 3: I've been referred to the hospital, it would appear that i was depressing myself to cope to turn my brain off from reailty and with my truma of bullying for years at schooling that ultimately fucked me over as when trying to revist reality causes me to be manic and psychosis with visual hulusnate....i had asthma and so i could never get deep enough breaths to recenter myself during axiterty attacks and i stopped taking them because i didn't need them for fitness but i needed them for my panjc attacks that then led to my depression that i didn't take my medications for just breathing fucking air.

It's funny how everything has intertwined it's self into my life of old...and my new live...

A girl that isn't the same person i once knew said You have to be brave enough to get your diagnosis, I'm scared but i know that i must.

I'll be o -

I'll be okay...

*tears*

I wish i knew all my issues sooner before they come back haunt me but i never had all the answers and now i do...

7 years on from... (because i know the date... *the day we...)

I'm burning a sun to say goodbye.

I finally can say goodbye to you. If not in person but the only way I can.

This isn't a suicide letter.

I'm sorry

I *redacted*

I don't *redacted*

Don't *redacted*

..

Yours

Always Charlie,the Beautiful Mind,

RlF

Personal Sidenote;

I would of mailed a letter but I have no address.

I would of called but i never got a phone number.

Burn after reading...

i might write you a letter sometime again but I haven't decided when to as this is something I've wanted to do for years but didn't know what I'd say to you without hurting either of us.

[thaliatimsh]

Hmmmmmm had a weird dream im just writing down so i dont forget:

I was at a work do or smth? And the first time it happened I accidentally found this? Like a soup tureen? With a few pieces of like a doll's tea-set in there w plastic beads rollin around too. Anyway I opened it up and when I looked inside I went back in time to the mid-90s and witnessed a murder? And started working with the detectives or smth but somehow i accidentally went back to my own time and i was super upset abt it

Then at the next work event i got gifted another time travel tureen and went back again - except that none of my money worked bc all the notes and coins have been changed and my cards didnt exist yet.

But tjis time around I'm in the same place, just like 20 years back, and there's anothet work event happening and im like.... hi guys im from the future at all the ppl i recognise and most of them ARE pretty chill abt it including my dad. But then a senior management lady from work came after me askin why i was at the event and didnt believe my time travel nonsense and ws gonna get me thrown out but i got rescued by someone who was like "i believe u and time can be changed, i swapped my husband for the baby i had that died bein born" but idk if she was actually a time traveller or not? Bc i didnt see her husband OR her kid.

So in the end i went back to my time again to avoid getting arrested and i had to pretend like i wasnt super bummed out abt not bein able to buy my 90s CDs but someone noticed and was like "i wrote to the bank and theyve made a note to the past that u can use ur present day debit card next time"

To which i was like... ossom. But now im thinkin... cant send a note 2 th past u Fools, thanks 4 the plot inconsistencies, me.

Like i should mentiom that the time travel tureens were some kind of ancient thing that for some reason only i could use. Huh.

Right before i got woken up there ws a tiny snippet abt the murdered kid whose ghost was haunting her brother & she caused an explosion in a hospital? Blew her own ghost ear off? Wish i knew where that ws going.

[bugwings]

i know th media was designed to make me feel tjis way but i really wish i could buy things? that i want for myself? im fortunate enough now that theres mostly everything i need but.. i never have anything for myself fROm myself.. its always from my friends whom i love dearly but i cant help feelimg like a leech

[the-eng-circle]

#musicinnow #the_re_creator #dinner_re_her_sal "...cause Santa once 'coined’ "I’ll be back!”..." It's Monday, 18:th of November and I'm back at Serragli-way and the old and good-looking #raglisurf-spot (4 places with good privacy and print-options). I was here last time at 6:th of May, since then I moved "into the west" and found sleeping quarters (outside) for raising my night-quarter I shown on/in other picimages/posts. Night-quarter has been explained as a historical travellers home, where you slept at least a quarter of the 24 hours cycle (~6 hours) before you "move on" - otherwise your mind can go mad - some are to eager in moving fast on their own "horse-powers". Travellers have been carrying their household "on their road" or "my way" in different ways (on top of their shoulders (an OK, a lifting-pulling-tool), with trailers/wagons or Ivanhoe's famous sled in "veal"-poverty-areas. I made this version of Cornelis Vreeswijk's famous "Father Christmas is 'factually' dead!" in Sweden - a better version in comparison to others wishes to blow in "papp-trumpets", as he could diminish (self-irony for all who has gone through these hell-awakenings and started to move themselves) his old "tomb that not heard enough sound" (a private bedroom in the start of his career). I named it after what it is, a new "tradition" or similair - to, as a company/business-owner, buy/give your personell a real christmas-party/dinner-table with greater/more adult amusement, than what I've been through this leave I've made, down - from the "Nordic plateau"/-region" never to go back/return. I'm the victim of socialistic homocide-/murder-attempt. To explain my cold-war"-version further I put in (in comparison to CW's version) some "re-peaters" to remind the p-riesthood about something that CAN happen at larger Hollidays - you say the same phrase to those that greet you outside, in a festival of lights. It's not supposed to be about of obey a Holy Peter or a now distorted religion/morale. I also added "Hollidays in a beautiful Spain" (now gone since long back - they play drums in kitchen-ware outside, like they gone mideval on some neighbours - where they stopped to harrass a certain citizen/resident) where I believe some made it to Pisa, the hometown of all pizzas/dough-wheels and a fastfood only an old veal from Spain been the founder of. "Go east!" (may it be, a future for(e)/in the other "leg") You're in a real starwars... and you might been bull-fighted to leave (sometimes demons/"imaginary bulls" can help you - when you're in a mad world/region/area). I added 'se-renad' to remind of "in vina veritas" - which I believe is written for you, to see the "reality in a man's manhood" - if a man can behave and stay focused under heavy influence of alcohol, he's the one in self-control... otherwise "shit-happens", and that is near to impossible to know "who" is in a "man" or "human creature", ready to do ill. Demonisation ("demonisering" in swe) exists and a weaker ego can hold facades that show themselves at influences of alcohol - even double-natures is "avail-able" here, which not benefit anyone, not even for those who need to "open up" their otherwise "living with a lie/secret"-persona. "In Vina Veritas" bear the meaning of "In the alcohol, you meet/see the truth!" - who's true and/or who's really seeing it - is disguised in this abstract truth/saying/wisdom-quote. Se-renad, in swe is "see the clean one" - and as I saw it, it's myself as the asa-king/as-ir-king... it's the wardrobe/soul-collector-cabinet noone takes down, without a vengeance upon "the'" (a collective without any honorary-"m") who used the ring of power to make a "cleaning machine" - a privatly own "laundry-mat", which can do ill to many/few. As a piece of music a "se-renad" might be the lousy lyrics-version in times of attractive music...or like a "princess saga" (is it for the "princes" and not for a time with "real queens"?) - they who should show the truth of bad parenthood in worldtime of history in certain regions upon The Globe/Earth. And "drunk" is "widely shaking" or "bus-i-ness", where you as an asa-king has twiddle-sounds coming out of the own nose - playful sounds are revealing someone is remade in a toy-factory, when another using yourself as an illegally taken laundry-mat - to do "almost impossible w-orks leauge" cleaned up and/or into pure souls, inside myself/my mind... ...mad men are borned through this hellish game an elite is starting. Like this, that I must be an highly-jacked locomotive engine in "Hun-ger Games" - where I should be in slavery, giving head-/thoughforce to an evil machinery and pull two parallell trains (Money/Prison) with my mouth/unique-horns/teeths, district after district - because a "doctor ill" ("Dr.Ill") says so. To be released, out from a really ill institution (you don't KNOW what it is when you go there as unexperienced of it's non-existing help - after d'evil struck you at your home), seems hard - when it's used in politics, to make weak men/"moral of weak men", inside those dark power-corridors. To my version of this song, I added 'loosen' his beard - cause as a young Father of Christmases, you're battered down to NOT enlight anyone about the present knowledge - cause then you're not "slow", as the rest of the top elite - in the we-r-old (who's dead/non-existent in this modern times, to a father of christmases), those who does not think Big Brother ever been a father at all... and father of christmases, is The Godfather - or alike. You "come back" as Father Christmas, out of some "no-meaning-to-live-marsh" they in Mental Institution's offering/"gifts" to people, in need of doctors aid - for someone who has a son/daugther or a systems violent and criminal man and crazy broads. That makes you shave yourself more often again - out of an institutional gutter-destiny. A demonisation from somewhere/-one in the past. Cornelis Vreeswijk - Santa's "factually" dead: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9L2H2EN9394 THE RE-CREATOR - CHRISTMAS-DINNER-RE-HER-SAL (a business's) First, the director - he hold his speech, in front of his personell: "Because of our big generosity, we celebrate in this greater hall. So eat, drink and consume - as long as you and your legs presume." "Cognac has father - mother her liquer, soon, it's loosen all strops 'n' belts. You lit the tree 'n' then some flares, the icy-borders will fall - it melts. A lot of fireworks "Hooray!" - 'n' Santa has found his bay." "Then the city-streets are visited, you give some life, to your 're-peaters'. 'Holliday-freedom' is now at reign, as it once were called in beautiful Spain. And Santa is drunk as-a-god - that's what you call a 'se-renad'." Father of Christmases 'loosen' his beard, and can't again 'refine' it. 'Lucifer Little' will eat his own, his beliefs isn't in this 'terrible dawn'. If he's curious he'll leave his 'box', maybe he ate 'chicken-pucks'." Next year, he'll be back they say, hopefully without his 'ruler'. In his 'woods' he has all his throlls, maybe their, he learns 'The Scrolls'. Cause Santa once 'coined' "I'll be back!", The "Skål!", The "Hej!" and The "Tack!". And "I'll be back!" means "I return" as El Nath or the Taurus starsign's headstar (the seventh) and I give you "the horns", "Skål" is what viking once drank out of (the "jar" or "bowl" is similair out of wood/trä), the "Hej" is not only green and dry grass on the attic or stored in the barn - it's "sal-ve" to a "chiao-man" (which/who should "tji" that "a'n'o-man" who's reign can attack even a chiao-man from a bad angle).

[one-shoop]

Watching "clean with me" videos gives me so much anxiety. I know I have too much stuff but it just feels so bad to throw it away. I used to wish I hadnt ever seen a toy/plushie/clothing instead of like, being stuck. And now I just -- I'm torn between feeling overwhelmed and being desperate at keeping stuff that matters to me. I don't know what to do.

This one vlogger talked about how getting rod of stuff wasn't always abou the stuff -- it was about you being able to feel peaceful in your environment. Like, if you can't enter a room without feeling anxious, that's a no-no. Some of the stuff I have give me anxiety like that, or I just dont feel happy about having it. For various reasons, I keep it. But...

Like, there's childhood favorites I can't give. Stuff I promised to look after and it's a promise I can't go back on. Stuff that my sister has a similar item of, and I'd feel bad discarding one of a pair. Stuff I feel used to be a big part of my life and I want a way to keep that memory. There's stuff I sort of don't mind much and would rather give -- but. I dunno. Like, some things I don't like but I'm afraid of giving things up. I dunno, man.

There's some stuff I like -- cute plushies, clothes that I love. Some others, I mean, they just don't make me happy, you know? I hate when there's too many things on my bed, it makes me anxious to go to sleep. Like, most of the plushies I keep there are my all-time keep -- precious keepsakes of stuff I cant throw away. But I just. UGH. There's stuff I cant throw away because it's the last remaining relics of Club Penguin -- rest in peace -- and others that just sort of matter? I dont know but I feel so anxious. I wish I could just do what I want and get rid of some stuff. Like, I have two criterias for plushies:

-plushies I like (cute, fluffy, soft)

-keepsakes (old or memory-related)

-ones I keep out of a promise (gifts, important events)

-those ones that my sister has another one or, and i keep it so hers wont be alone, because yes, I'm sad like that, it would make me sad to imagine it screw you

And like -- ARE THERE ONES I COULD GIVE AWAY THAT DONT FIT INTO THOSE CATEGORIES??? THOSE I DONT CARE ABOUT?? Some old ones just make me feel sick to my stomach like those old sea creatures. But like -- there's ones I cant give away, like -- the one thing my dad and I have in common, marionettes, those ones we used for a movie we made.

Like, are there some I could just take a picture of? I don't know, man. I dont like going downstairs because it makes me want ro cry and scream and just pull off my hair. I'm so angey and frustrated and I keep wanting a fresh start. Like -- I've always done that, you know? Every time I buy new plushies, it's for a fresh start. I just wish I had a way to remove all thise useless fresh starts, those ones that didn't make me feel good, and keep the good ones. Like, I envy those who dont have that kind of stupid attachment. Like, go attachment. Its just -- everytime I bought a new plushies, it was supposed to be a fresh start. "That one" I would love, "that one" would be my favorite. I know irs unhealthy and I hate buying them because it makes me feel so much dread like, I keep having more and it keeps feeling like doomsday is coming whenever I see my dad going "ugh why" and I freak out and I dont ecen know what to do.

Plushies used to be this nice thing and now they just make me want to tear my throat out. Dear fucking god I hate everything

I just -- I wish i had a plushie I liked and tjene ceyrtjing would be so kuch easier but I WISH ID NEVER LAID EYES ON ANY OF THESE PLUSHIES IN THE FIRST PLACE. SOME OF THEM I WAD GIVEN BHT I DONT WANT THEM AND I DONT KNOW EHAT TO DO. BUT NOW I FEEL COMPELLED. AND I WANT TO JUSR FUCKING CRY FOREVER. IM SFARED. AND UPSET. I DONR WANR RO CHOOSE. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY. HOW TO GET RID OF THEM.

I used to get so scared bit now I'm psychong myself because everyone saus i need to get rid of them and I just fucling can't deal woth it. Am i betraying myself? I promised i wouldnt let this happen. I promise I wouldn't be my own enemy. I promise i wouldnt do this ti myself just to make everyone happy. And now IM DOING IT.

At least I'm fine throwing clothes away. Clothes suck.

Or, like, sometimes. I still want to fucking die everytime I throw clothes away. Jesus I need fucling help. I have no psychological safety thing for like, some safety rjing to go back to. I feel so fucling afraid and stuff like that was supposed to be the one thing I wasnt afraid of and I could get them and jt would be fine but now that's just a big lie??? It wasn't supposed to make me feel happier??? It wss just supposed to keep me contented until whatever person decides its time to work??? Is that it????

What am I supposed to do, man??? What am I supposed to do????? What am I supposed to think??? I'm supposed to figure tjis out but O jusr fucling cant and its supposed to help me to have plushies but it's not and I cajr see straight. I jusr wish plushies were safe again. I wish i could cry my heart out about leaving them like before. I widh I could be angry and upset and betrayed and feel like I'm being torn apart and scream and rage about how people are hurting me and how they can't understand how terrible it feels, and how they'll never understand why I feel so betrayed and so alone and so dismayed becauee my whole world and my whole safety is falling apart and I cant egen enjoy a simple piece of fabric stuffed with cotton without feeljng like I'm going to get killed at any moment because it costs money and it's not necessary and I'm going to get killed by cotton in my face. And it's not necessary and I'm getting attached for nothing and it's not necessary, just let it go, you'll feel better afterwards, just try it, you have to make changes, you have to make your life better, dont you want balance? Just try it!!!!

Like you want me to have balance???????????? Is that what you want?? Why are you just screaming at me and telling me tl dl stuff I dont want to do, THIS is just -- it's important to me, it's stuff that just gets me up and going, it's whats brightening up my life, it's like, the only source of peace i have. And you want to tell me it wasn't worth anything? That it didn't have a place in my life and it wasn't a beacon of anything and it should have been thrown away long ago and it should have been somewhere else and it didnt deserve to exist? And it should have been explained a bit better but basically this is what it is!!!???! Like you can preach about happiness and balance all you want but this i my happiness!!! This is what i wsnr mi life to look like!!!! This is what happiness os to me, this is what safety is, this is how I manage to come home and feel happy about myself!!!!! Do you actually want balance or do you just wsnt me to live by your rules? Like do you even care if I get happier if the way I am happy, it's not by throwing it all away? No? Like did you even let it a chance to exist first?

Yeah if I said that to my mom she would've interrupted me to say "I understand no need to be like that" and then she would've told me "well talk about it in the morning" and basically listen to nothing and not give a shit at all. Sorry if I sound really annoying about getting my point across, this id whar I have to deal with at home so I'm sorry if I'm not arguing like a peaceful person here.