#i will probably write a 'matthias lives' fix-it at some point but right now i just feel drained

[firelxdykatara]

Yeah, Matthias’ death always felt cheap to me and it honestly put me off Bardugo (along with a few other reasons). I am really not against protagonists dying or even not having happy endings. But it has to make sense. Because even so-called senseless deaths in a work of fiction are crafted by the author and have to fit in the story. And this one just felt...pointless. Like it was for shock value and nothing more, even if you can drape it in symbolism or some shit. Idk it just felt very canned (as if it was being set up for a tv audience in advanced) and I wish that his death had happened differently if it had to happen at all. Matthias being shot by a kind of past self could have been really interesting and moving and meaningful. But it does not read that way and years later I’m still pissed and can’t look at CK. Ugh.

That’s exactly what it is. Matthias was essentially fridged, and while it doesn’t carry the same weight that it does when it happens to a female character, it still feels cheap and unfair and like the author took the easy way out rather than trying to figure out what Matthias’ life would look like after everything else was said and done. What Nina’s life would look like with Matthias as a huge part of it no matter where she went, because she loved him and was not going to abandon him, even for her home. Because they had become each other’s homes, they were each other’s safe place to land, and it would have taken a lot of work to figure out how they could fit into each other’s worlds after everything else that had happened.

Work that doesn’t have to be done, now, because Matthias is dead and Nina can deal with that and then move on, but he’ll still be dead and will never get to see the things he worked so much to achieve. He won’t get to see his country becoming better, he won’t get to see his brothers learning that magic is not the enemy, he won’t get to see the war end of peace growing between their kingdoms.

It feels cheap, and underhanded, and I just don’t like it. I can see myself rereading SoC, but I’m not sure I’ll ever reread CK in full. Matthias Helvar deserved better and this is gonna sit like a bitter weight in the pit of my stomach for a very long time.

[hakasims]

The Most Important Review of Every Single Marwan Kenzari Film

If you’ve seen this one about Luca, you know the drill.

Now, Marwan’s brand is a little less defined than Luca’s but I managed to find similar tropes in a lot of his films. Also, rather than copy myself and give you a redundant Marwanmeter, I decided instead to recommend which Luca character best pairs with each Marwan character for your crossover pleasure. Let’s see if we ship the same things! Some of them are crack. You’re welcome.

(all gifs again by the awesomely amazing @weardes​ who did not ask to be my gif factory but life’s a bitch)

Het zusje van Katia (2008)

Will you miss him if you blink? Kinda. They talk about him a lot but his actual screen time is like 43.7 seconds. Also can I just say... he’s supposed to be from Italy?? The boy says literally one (1) Italian word, and you’ll never guess what it is. (Obviously, it’s “bella” like there’s a chance he could’ve said anything else.)

Is he hot? Painfully hot.

Is he naked? There’s this one scene where he’s wearing the sluttiest pair of speedos I’ve ever seen in my entire life.

Does his hair look great? Actually, yes. Perfect hair, perfect beard, he looks amazing.

Does he fuck? Yes, a lot - off screen, including an M/M/F threesome he presumably, probably, most definitely initiated.

Best paired with? From what I’ve gathered, this hoe ain’t loyal, so the best course of action is to find him a Luca that would benefit from a one night stand with no strings attached and wouldn’t fall in love with him. The obvious choice here is Valerio from Slam - Tutto per una ragazza. They meet, they fuck, then Giac makes his 4-hour drive back to Pisa, and they don’t see each other again until the next time he’s in Rome. Everybody’s happy, especially the two sluts in question.

De laatste dagen van Emma Blank (2009)

Will you miss him if you blink? Yes, absolutely.

Is he hot? Very.

Is he naked? Almost constantly.

Does his hair look great? He’s got those cute short curls, he looks so good.

Does he fuck? That’s literally why he’s there: to fuck and to die.

Best paired with? Man, I wish I had something to work with here. The only thing we know about him besides his sexual prowess is his affinity for white suits and toy helicopters. And as far as I know, those might be the exact things Fabrizio from Nina finds hot in guys. So like, why not?

Loft (2010)

Will you miss him if you blink? He’s the fifth most important character.

Is he hot? Yeah, sure.

Is he naked? There’s a scene where he’s wearing underwear and a tank top but it somehow makes him look like a kindergartener.

Does his hair look great? It looks quite nice.

Does he fuck? Yes, though I wish he didn’t.

Best paired with? Tom is a very violent person and a drug addict. He does messed up stuff to his sexual partners I’d rather he didn’t do to any of Luca’s characters. Feel free to use him for your sadistic fantasies or as a villain or whatever.

Rabat (2011)

Will you miss him if you blink? No, he’s one of the three leads.

Is he hot? Oh yes! And cute!

Is he naked? He’s at the beach wearing nothing but boxer shorts.

Does his hair look great? He’s got this extreme undercut thing that would look ridiculous on anyone less pretty, so like no, he doesn’t have great hair, but also like it’s Marwan, you know what I mean?

Does he fuck? Before he embarks on a road trip with his friends, he has an offscreen threesome with two girls he picked up at a wedding. Slut.

Best paired with? Gabriele from Waves. They’re both sweet guys who could meet in some Tunisian port and decide to sail the Mediterranean Sea together.

Black Out (2012)

Will you miss him if you blink? Not unless your blinking is very deliberate.

Is he hot? Not really. He’s a dirty cop with a shitty moustache and oral fixation.

Is he naked? No, but I wish he was: his clothes are awful. Marwan is 29 in this movie and he looks 50!

Does his hair look great? Nope. They took Marwan’s usual short hair and made it not work somehow.

Does he fuck? No.

Best paired with? The one thing Luca’s characters all have in common is that none of them come off as bootlickers. All of them are either too soft for such a relationship or wouldn’t waste their spit on a cop.

Wolf (2013)

Will you miss him if you blink? No, he’s the protagonist.

Is he hot? *gestures wildly at the gif*

Is he naked? He’s got quite a few shirtless scenes.

Does his hair look great? It’s nothing special but suits his character well.

Does he fuck? Oh yes.

Best paired with? Hear me out. I know that some people ship him with Fabio, but in my opinion that pair, while hot, doesn’t work. Here’s my pitch: Cesare from Non essere cattivo. The drug connection is still there, but in this case Majid’s problem-solving skills won’t fall on deaf ears. Cesare needs a daddy, ok? Majid can be a daddy when he needs to, especially when he has a soft boyfriend to care for. And Majid needs soft, not psycho.

Hartenstraat (2014)

Will you miss him if you blink? No, he’s the protagonist once again.

Is he hot? Painfully.

Is he naked? There’s that iconic scene where he’s wearing nothing but black boxer briefs and boots while carrying a tray...

Does his hair look great? He’s got Joe-like curls and looks like what every male romantic lead should aspire to look like and then cry because they all fail.

Does he fuck? There’s one very unfortunate sex scene played for laughs. I’m pretty sure he’ll need therapy afterwards. I certainly do.

Best paired with? Paolo from Il padre d’Italia. Paolo deserves the best boyfriend, and who’s better than Daan, an extremely hot man who cooks? They both have daughters, so they can talk about that, I guess, and Paolo can finally have a family. Honestly, this is so wholesome I just made myself cry.

Lucia de B. (2014)

Will you miss him if you blink? For sure.

Is he hot? He’s a cop. Again. But he looks good.

Is he naked? Fully dressed, but man are his clothes ugly. Is that a cop thing?

Does his hair look great? He has slightly longer curls, which is fine and the best thing about this character.

Does he fuck? ACAB. (I know this doesn’t answer the question, I just wanted to make it clear.)

Best paired with? See my bootlicker comment from earlier. While Detective *checks notes* Ron Leeflang isn’t explicitly corrupt, he’s obviously a dick, so the best I can do here is recommend any Luca character that has ever been in trouble with the law for any fics about power imbalance you want to write but aren’t comfortable with a nice Marwan playing the villain.

Bloedlink (2014)

Will you miss him if you blink? Oh no, he’s there the entire time.

Is he hot? In a weird way, yes.

Is he naked? So, so, so naked. Like, leave nothing to the imagination naked.

Does his hair look great? I’d say that little rat tail is the exact opposite of great.

Does he fuck? Probably more than is good for him. I should also add that he’s canonically queer in this.

Best paired with? Rico is a pathetic loser in need of someone who’s got his life together and has a lot of experience dealing with fuckups. Enter Loris from Il mondo fino in fondo. He has a stable job and a savior complex, and with his little bro gaying it up in Chile and not needing him anymore, all he wants right now is someone to fix. I should be a fucking matchmaker in real life, for real.

Pak van mijn hart (2014)

Will you miss him if you blink? Undoubtedly.

Is he hot? No. The whole point of his character is to be the lesser choice compared to a guy who looks like a completely ordinary bland white dude...

Is he naked? ...so of course he isn’t naked! What, are they gonna take this poor woman, show her Marwan Kenzari’s post-Wolf body and expect her to choose her deeply mediocre ex? Please! They’re gonna dress him in the dorkiest clothes possible...

Does his hair look great? ...and make him wear the most awful wig that was clearly run over by a truck.

Does he fuck? No. As you can observe, they tried really hard to make him unfuckable, but honestly, he seems like a perfectly nice guy.

Best paired with? You know what? Mattia from La solitudine dei numeri primi is in desperate need of some sweetness and normalcy. I’m sure Richard will treat him with kindness and respect.

Collide (2016)

Will you miss him if you blink? He’s the fifth most important character. Out of five.

Is he hot? Very hot.

Is he naked? Not for a second! What’s up with American movies where people aren’t just casually walking around naked without any plot necessity???

Does his hair look great? His curls are so cute you guys! Look at them!

Does he fuck? Not explicitly.

Best paired with? Fabio from Lo chiamavano Jeeg Robot. Again, the drug connection is there, but Matthias is soft enough not to butt heads with Fabio and, by the end of the movie, rich enough to satisfy his cravings for good living and fame. Also look at how good their color coordination is with those dark wine red clothes! Sometimes planets just align, okay?

Ben-Hur (2016)

Will you miss him if you blink? Yes, especially if you aren’t watching the background.

Is he hot? Your usual Marwan hot.

Is he naked? No.

Does his hair look great? His typical short curls with a twist. I think the forehead area is supposed to invoke the Caesar cut? I don’t know. It looks fine when not hidden under that dumb helmet.

Does he fuck? No.

Best paired with? A better script and a much better director. (Seriously, what is this blocking?)

The Promise (2016)

Will you miss him if you blink? He’s there a decent amount in the first half of the movie and then almost completely disappears in the second half.

Is he hot? Very much, yes.

Is he naked? Unfortunately, no.

Does his hair look great? He’s got short curls again, but this time they’re fashionably styled, it’s magnificent.

Does he fuck? Oh yeah! And there’s no way he isn’t bi or pan in this. No way.

Best paired with? Roberta from L’ultimo terrestre. Listen, Emre Ogan may be a slut but he’s a gentleman, okay? He’d treat Roberta right and he’s got daddy’s cash to spare on hundreds of gorgeous white dresses for her.

The Mummy (2017)

Will you miss him if you blink? He’s there, but barely.

Is he hot? Dangerously hot.

Is he naked? Not once! Instead we get a naked Tom Cruise literally no one asked for.

Does his hair look great? It’s your basic professional short hairdo.

Does he fuck? No.

Best paired with? Malik is a member of an organization tracking and destroying various monsters and historical artefacts related to them. Guido from Tutti i santi giorni speaks four languages, including Latin, and is a literature and ancient history nerd which makes him a valuable asset. Malik can fight and protect; Guido is bumbling and in need of saving. Guys, this writes itself.

What Happened to Monday (2017)

Will you miss him if you blink? No, especially not in the third act.

Is he hot? He’s okay.

Is he naked? Very naked.

Does his hair look great? They shouldn’t have greased his curls back. He looks like another victim of Fabio Cannizzaro’s stylist. Also I wish he’d either shaved or finished growing out that beard.

Does he fuck? He fucks and he fucks good. He’ll go down on you, he’ll deflower you slowly and gently, he’ll choke you if you want him to, he’ll spoon you all night, he’ll give you emotional support, he’ll murder people for you - he’s down for whatever.

Best paired with? There’s one Luca character who needs a lot of sex and even more emotional support. Alright, most of them do, but I’m thinking of Ettore from Lasciate andare. He needs it, okay? Good dicking, good spooning, a good ear, a fine piece of ass to cry into - you get the gist. Most importantly: someone who’d love him for who he is and with whom he could relax and be himself. (Also, I see you, people comparing him to Fabio. Shame on you for sleeping on this soft boy and judging him based on his appearance.)

Murder on the Orient Express (2017)

Will you miss him if you blink? He’s kinda always present, being very French.

Is he hot? Very hot.

Is he naked? No, but I’m willing to forgive that because he looks so good in his conductor uniform.

Does his hair look great? He never takes off his hat.

Does he fuck? No.

Best paired with? Mickey Miranda. They’re both murderers morally dubious characters who would look hot together. What else do you need? (Again, I see you, people who want Pierre for Roberta because he’s a “nice guy”, and I know for a fact you didn’t watch the movie. Spoilers, I guess.)

The Angel (2018)

Will you miss him if you blink? No, he’s the protagonist.

Is he hot? Oh yes.

Is he naked? Not once, but you won’t regret it because he’s wearing excellently stylish 1970s clothes.

Does his hair look great? It looks fantastic. The sideburns (not yet seen here) are a good touch.

Does he fuck? He can definitely get it, but he’s loyal to his wife.

Best paired with? As the most aesthetically coherent and fashionably hot pair in this post, Ashraf and Primo are a no-brainer. Can you imagine Primo calling him “Angel” in different contexts? When he’s being intimidating, not realizing how palpable the sexual tension between them is, and later not even hiding his arousal? Sometimes things just work because they’re hot. That’s all, folks.

Aladdin (2019)

Will you miss him if you blink? No, he’s the main villain.

Is he hot? It’s not like he went viral for being the “hot Jafar” or anything.

Is he naked? No! Fucking thanks a lot, Disney.

Does his hair look great? He has a buzz cut under that turban but he looks good in the turban, so that’s something.

Does he fuck? It’s a Disney movie, so he doesn’t fuck - explicitly or otherwise - but he still comes off as a thirsty bitch.

Best paired with? Jafar ends the movie as a genie who’s obligated to grant his master three wishes but is enough of a petty bitch to exploit the hell out of the “gray area” and screw them over Wishmaster style. My unconventional pair for him is Lui from Ricordi? So many scenarios with distorted memories and magic-induced mindfuck. So many possibilities for awesome and messed up crossover gifsets! Don’t say I never give you guys anything.

Instinct (2019)

Will you miss him if you blink? No, he’s very prominent.

Is he hot? I hate myself for finding him hot but I do.

Is he naked? He’s playing basketball shirtless in one scene, shaking his sweaty boobs everywhere.

Does his hair look great? His weird mohawk-like thing is honestly terrible, but if anything can make it work, it’s Marwan’s bone structure.

Does he fuck? Um, I’m pleading the Fifth on this one for the sake of good taste.

Best paired with? Prison. A very lonely, Luca-less prison.

The Old Guard (2020)

Will you miss him if you blink? No, unless blinking in your case means sleeping through the gloriousness that is the first ever canonically gay couple in an American action film.

Is he hot? Painfully.

Is he naked? Shirtless in one scene.

Does his hair look great? Soft curls courtesy of Luca Marinelli’s tireless lobbying.

Does he fuck? Not on screen, but you can just tell by the way he looks at his husband and reads impromptu poetry right to his face. And everybody knows nothing kindles the fires of passion quite like murdering homophobes together.

Best paired with? If you have to ask, you’re clearly reading this by mistake. In which case, kudos for finishing such a long and confusing post, now go watch The Old Guard and cry at the beauty that is The Immortal Marriage.

[emjenenla]

I was younger then, take me back to when I found my heart and broke it here [A Six of Crows Fanfic]

It wasn’t until she stepped off the boat onto the docks of Ketterdam that Nina Zenik realized she hadn’t really expected to ever come back. Or Nina returns to Ketterdam and goes on a life-changing field trip with Kaz.

Warnings: PTSD, some reanimated corpses because its Nina

I don't own Six of Crows. Title comes from "Castle on the Hill" by Ed Sheeran.

I actually started this last spring, but then put it on the back burner because I thought it was too much like everything else I was publishing at the time (though looking back, I'm not sure why I thought that). I'm hoping to write some more Six of Crows stuff, because the number of fics I've written for this duology is a poor reflection how much I love it, but I've never been good at finishing things (and I've got an eighteen page document full of one-to-two sentence descriptions of fanfics) so we'll see.

Also, the summary is a bit of an exaggeration, but did you get the reference?

It wasn’t until she stepped off the boat onto the docks of Ketterdam that Nina Zenik realized she hadn’t really expected to ever come back. She had been dodging Jesper, Wylan and Inej’s requests to come back because they missed her by saying she needed more time to figure everything out. It wasn’t until her boots hit the sea-softened boards of Fourth Harbor that she realized those had just been excuses to get them off her back. She had never meant to come back to the city that had taken Matthias from her and didn’t quite understand why she’d come back now.

She stood on the dock lost in this new understanding as the other passengers of the cargo boat she’d ridden from Ravka pushed by her. Why was she here? Why would she willingly have returned to the place that Matthias had died after all this time? It wasn’t like she expected it to be any less vile now than it had been when she was seventeen. She had half a mind to hop the next boat leaving and get out, but common sense stopped her. She was here now and she wasn’t a bad enough friend to just leave without at least saying hi.

She also found that she didn’t want to go straight to the Van Eck mansion. If she saw Jesper and Wylan now while she wasn’t sure why she had come here in the first place she might forget that she didn’t want to be here. Before she faced them she needed to be reminded exactly what kind of place Ketterdam was and why she’d left, and she knew the perfect place for that.

The Slat had not changed in the years she’d been gone. Nina wasn’t sure why she’d expected Kaz to actually fix the place up after getting his hands on four million  kruge, because now that she thought about she couldn’t think of a good reason why he would have. After a moment of simply looking up at the building, she shoved aside a hearty dose of déjà vu and let herself in.

The atmosphere of the Dregs’ hideout had not changed. There were still people lounging around, drinking and talking and flirting and playing cards. It was still a disreputable cesspit just like it had been when Nina had hung out here, but there was now not a single familiar face. The realization was so startling Nina stopped in her tracks. She hadn’t come to Slat for warm fuzzy feelings, but she had expected to see Pim and Keeg and Anika and all the other girls and boys she had laughed and plotted and flirted with as a teenager. The sea of unfamiliar faces that turned to look at her made her unexpectedly sad.

After a moment a blonde boy in his late teens detached himself from a cluster of people and stalked towards her. He puffed his chest out in a way that was vaguely ridiculous. “This is Dregs territory,” he said, “What do you want?”

“I’m here to see Kaz Brekker,” Nina said. “Tell him that Nina Zenik is here.” She almost added that Kaz would definitely want to see her, but stopped herself. She hadn’t actually spoken to Kaz, even in letters, since she’d left Ketterdam. The only reason she knew that someone hadn’t managed to kill him was because Inej, Jesper and Wylan talked about him in their letters.

The boy snorted in a way that he probably thought was intimidating. “Yeah, no dice. We don’t let just anyone see the boss.”

“I’m a member of the Dregs,” Nina said. “I’ve been away for a couple years, but now I need to see Kaz.”

“I don’t believe you,” the boy said.

Nina heaved a sigh and pushed up her sleeve to bare the Dregs crow and cup on her forearm. She’d thought about finding a Corporalnik who still had their regular powers to remove it for years, but it had never felt right, now she was glad she hadn’t. “Here,” she grumbled. “Believe me now?”

“No,” the boy said sounding pleased that he got to be so contrary. “You either had someone tattoo that on you in preparation for this or you’re a traitor. Either way you’re going to be dead.”

Nina tensed, preparing for a fight. She’d come here wanting a reminder of why she didn’t want to stay in Ketterdam, and it appeared she was going to get more of one than she’d anticipated. “Listen, you little-”

“Espen!” a familiar voice called out. “What’s going on?”

Nina and the boy both turned to see a blonde woman standing in the entrance to the office that had once been Per Haskell’s. It took Nina a moment to recognize Anika, who had somehow always remained a teenager in her mind. Anika had shaved both sides of her head and pulled the remaining hair on the top of her head back in a ponytail. She glared at them both. It was the look of someone who was used to being obeyed.

“This woman is trying to see the boss,” the boy said. “She has a Dregs tattoo so she’s either an impostor a traitor. I say we kill her.”

Anika’s gaze turned to Nina and her pale eyebrows rose. “Nina Zenik?” she asked.

Nina grinned. “The very same.”

“I was starting to think you were dead,” Anika said without any intonation to suggest how she felt about being proved wrong. “Where have you been?”

Nina didn’t see the point in lying about it. “Ravka and Fjerda,” she said. “I’ve been taking care of some stuff.”

“And now you’re here,” Anika said, still tonelessly.

“I am,” Nina said. “Can I see Kaz?”

Anika thought about it for a moment, then nodded. “He’s not working on anything major right now. Get over here.”

The boy spluttered. “What? She just admitted to abandoning the gang! She’s a traitor! She deserves to die!”

Anika fixed him with a glare. “Espen, which one of us is the top lieutenant of this gang?”

The boy looked like he was going to keep arguing for a while, then his shoulders slumped. “You are,” he grumbled.

“Good, and I say she can see Kaz,” Anika said. “Come on, Nina.”

Nina crossed the room, ignoring the weight of the Dregs’ eyes on her back. Anika rapped her knuckles on the door, then opened it and started inside. “Boss? You’ll never believe what the tides brought in.”

Nina stepped into the room after Anika. “Hey, Kaz.”

Nina had only been in Per Haskell’s office a handful of times, but she remembered that it hadn’t looked this much like an office when the old man had used it. The shelves were lined with books and papers. The windows were closed with heavy black shades and several oil lamps lit the room. The large desk was covered with papers and ledgers and a few scattered weapons and lockpicks.

Kaz Brekker sat in the large chair behind the desk. He too had aged in a way that Nina hadn’t expected. She had never found him attractive--even if you ignored his many scars he was decidedly average-looking--but now he looked even more macabre than he had at seventeen. He’d lost baby fat Nina hadn’t even realized he had, his face going even more hollow and sharp and pale. His eyes were still and sharp and shark-like as ever, though, and Nina’s sudden reappearance in his life only got a raised eyebrow.

“Nina,” He said looking her up and down in a firm, appraising way. “It appears reforming drüskelle suits you.”

“Kaz,” she mimicked. “It appears being a Barrel Boss doesn’t suit you. You look like a ghoul. Do you eat?”

Kaz grinned, it was a thin, knife-like flash of teeth. “Occasionally.”

“Espen was advocating for killing her as a traitor,” Anika said to Kaz. “I had to pull rank on him again. We need to do something about that kid.”

“I know,” Kaz said. “I’m working on it.”

“We should strip him of his rank,” Anika said. “A couple weeks cleaning the gambling houses might be just the attitude adjustment he needs.”

“I’d do that,” Kaz replied a little tightly, “if I didn’t know that all it would do was drive him to another gang. He’s a far better spider than either Roeder and Minna are; if he were to start running with the Razorgulls or something we’d have a real problem.”

“We can’t just do nothing,” Anika said. “He barely listens to me anymore, how long do we have before he stops listening to you too?”

“I said I was working on it,” Kaz growled. “Now I’d like to have a conversation with Nina. Go get Gustaaf’s report. He should have just gotten back from the docks.”

“Fine,” Anika nodded. “I’ll be back.”

Nina waited until the door closed behind the other woman before she spoke, “Who’s Gustaaf?”

“Member of the Dregs.” Kaz said. “Why do you care?”

“Aside from Anika and you, I haven’t seen anyone I know,” Nina said. “What happened to everyone?”

“Roeder’s probably sleeping; he was working last night,” Kaz said. “Pim oversees all our gambling dens now. He’ll be in to report in another hour or so.”

Nina waited for a minute to see if he was going to go on, but he didn’t. “Well?” she asked. “What about Keeg? Dirix? Rotty? Specht?”

“Specht works for Inej,” Kaz said. “The rest are dead.”

“What?” Nina gaped. “All of them?”

Kaz nodded sharply.

“Don’t you ever let anyone retire?” Nina asked, shock making her voice quieter than she would have liked.

“No one retires in the Barrel, Nina dear,” Kaz said. “We don’t live long enough.”

There was a long pause, then Nina forced herself to change the subject before she thought about that to much. “So I see you’ve taken over Per Haskell’s office,” she said lightly. “Does that mean you’re living in his rooms too?” She gestured at the closed door to what had once been Per Haskell’s private apartments.

“Those are storage,” Kaz said. “The mere thought of sleeping in that man’s bed is enough to give you some kind of raging disease or parasite.”

“He wasn’t that dirty,” Nina said, but she couldn’t keep from smiling.

Kaz shrugged. “So why are you here, Nina? Last I heard you were in Overüt.”

That had been the last place Nina had been and Kaz said it so casually that it took her a minute to remember that he wasn’t supposed to know that. She never told Inej, Jesper and Wylan where she was, so there was definitely no way that Kaz Brekker could--

“Wait, have you been keeping tabs on me?” she asked.

“Only a little,” Kaz said with another shrug. He didn’t even pretend to be ashamed. “Inej, Jesper and Wylan have been worried about you.”

“And have you?” she ventured after a moment.

Kaz gave her a flat look that clearly said,  “Would you expect me to admit it if I have?” After a moment he looked away and said breezily, “How long have you been here, anyway? It’s funny, I would have thought the first thing Jesper and Wylan would have done after you showed up at their door was send a messenger to me.”

“Actually, my ship just landed,” Nina admitted. “I haven’t seen them yet.”

“So you came to see me before anyone else?” Kaz raised an eyebrow. “Please tell me this isn’t the part where you confess your undying love to me.”

“Do you want me to?”

Kaz snorted. “Ghezen, no.”

Nina cracked a smile. “Good, because I’m just here so you can be a colossal bastard and remind me why I’m not staying.”

Kaz gave her a look, all humor gone. He didn’t look offended, just calculating. “Any particular reason that you’re here hoping I’ll convince you not to stay?”

“The others will want me to stay,” Nina said. “They’ve been begging me to come back for years and now that I’m here I don’t think they’ll let me leave again. But I can’t. There’s too many ghosts here.”

She wasn’t sure why she was being so honest with Kaz Brekker of all people, but he just nodded. “You’re not wrong about the ghosts,” he said slowly, pointedly not looking at her. “What do I need to do to convince you that you don’t want to stay?”

“To be honest your toadie out there was more convincing than I was expecting,” Nina admitted.

“Espen?” Kaz asked. “He has that effect on people. He makes me want to arrange an unfortunate accident for him in a dark alley on the best of days.”

“Then don’t you do that?” she asked. “It can’t be because of morals, because we both know you don’t have any.”

“Two reasons,” Kaz said. “One: he is my best spider. The three I’ve got now only barely do the job as well as Inej did. Espen’s the best of the three, and I rely on my reputation for knowing everything that goes on in this city. Two: If I kill him and people figure out it was me, it’ll look like I was scared of him and that would be bad. Of course,” he shrugged, “he’s well on his way to doing something that I’d be required to kill him for by the unofficial code of the Barrel, so perhaps I should start looking for more spiders.”

Nina looked at him for a minute until he asked, “What?”

“You’re thinking out loud,” she said. “You never used to do that.”

“Don’t worry, I still don’t share my plans.”

“Saints forbid your minions actually know what’s going on.”

Kaz smiled but didn’t comment. “Now that we’ve established that Espen is better at convincing people they don’t want to stay in Ketterdam than I am,” he said instead. “I’ll walk you to Jesper and Wylan’s.”

Nina raised an eyebrow at him. “You don’t have to pretend to be a gentleman, Kaz. You’re not fooling anyone.”

“I haven’t been outside yet today,” Kaz said. “And I’d like to take a look at the Crow Club and couple other things. Pim is good at his job, but he only notices about half of what he should.”

He braced his palms on the desktop and levered himself to his feet. It was a stiff, creaky, painful-looking motion that would have been at home on an old man.

Nina looked away before he could see her worry and sympathy, and slid her hands into her pockets. They were both empty. She patted her clothes looking for her wallet, but it was gone.

“What’s wrong?” Kaz asked. He was fully upright now, leaning surreptitiously on his cane.

“I lost my wallet,” she said. “That’s weird. I had it when I left the ship.”

Kaz snorted. “You probably got pick-pocketed. How much did you lose and what way did you walk to get here?”

When she finished explaining, he crossed to the big safe in the wall and opened it. He counted out a number of kruge and held them out to her. “What’s this for?” She asked

“The borders of Dregs territory have expanded since last time you were here,” Kaz said. “You were in our territory practically the whole way here. That means that the person who pick-pocketed you probably works for me. Consider this getting your money returned.”

“Oh,” Nina took the stack of kruge. “Thanks.”

“And don’t expect this kind of generosity again,” Kaz said closing the safe. “Remember how to hold on to your wallet.”

Nina folded the money and stuck it into the wraps over her breasts. She’d like to see someone try to steal it from there. Then she looked up at Kaz. It was more of a look up than it had once been.

“Wait a minute,” she said. “You’re taller. Have you grown?”

Kaz gave her a look. “Teenagers tend to.”

“You mean to tell me,” Nina said slowly, “that you led us on the biggest heist of the century then figured out how to take down two of the most corrupt men in Ketterdam and you were still growing?”

Kaz gave her a long-suffering look. “Come on, Nina. Let’s get going.”

~~~~

The rest of the Barrel had changed drastically, but also remained exactly the same as always. Drunk and stupid pigeons stumbled around even in broad daylight getting conned out of all their worldly possessions. The members of the gangs strutted around in their Barrel flash trying to look impressive. Everyone, no matter how drunk, got out of Kaz’s way when they saw him coming.

They didn’t talk, but it wasn’t necessarily an awkward silence. Kaz was obviously deep in thought and not actively trying to be rude, so Nina just surveyed her old haunting grounds, noticing how all Pekka Rollins’s gambling dens had been taken over by the Dregs and the way that even the building that had once housed the Menagerie didn’t exist anymore.

“You’ve really made some changes to the place,” she said when she couldn’t take the silence anymore.

Kaz jerked back into awareness of her without a hint that he had been thinking of anything else. “Yes,” he said. “All in all, things are going-” Then something caught his attention, and he trailed off, gaze focused on something off to his right.

Nina followed his gaze but only saw people going about their normal days. “Kaz?” she asked.

“You remember where the Van Eck mansion is don’t you, Nina?” Kaz asked in a hyper-focused tone of voice. “I’ll meet you there; I have something I need to look into first.”

“I can help,” Nina said. “What did you see?”

Kaz looked at her for a moment, his eyes dark and calculating. “It might be good to have a face he doesn’t know,” he said. “Come on.” He pulled his hat down over his and hiked up his cane so the the head was in his armpit and mostly hidden from view. Then he set off down a side street, his limp more pronounced without the aid of the cane.

Kaz moved fast, but cautiously, leaving Nina to half walk half jog after him. The street was still pretty busy, so Nina couldn’t tell exactly who they were following. They’d gone quite a ways when Kaz suddenly grabbed the back of her coat and hauled her into an alley. He shoved her aside then peaked around the corner again.

“You could have just told me where to go,” Nina grumbled, but he was ignoring her, watching something happening the street intently.

After a minute Kaz turned back to her. “Okay,” he said. “The person we’ve been following is called Barend Meijer. He’s doing some dirty business that I’m trying to gather information about. He’s about to go into the inn down the street. You should be able to just walk in and figure out who he’s meeting with.”

“Alright,” Nina said, peaking around the corner. “Which one is he?”

“The one in the green coat,” Kaz pointed out a man with greasy hair and rat-like mustache who was just ducking into the inn, carrying a package wrapped in oilcloth. The cut of his clothes was Kerch, but not quite what someone from Ketterdam would wear. He wasn’t from the city.

“I want that package if we can get it,” Kaz said.

“Alright,” Nina said. “Do you want me to just steal it?”

“No,” Kaz said. “We don’t want him to know I’m onto him. I just need a couple minutes to look through it.”

“Do we need a plan?” Nina asked.

“Go in after him,” Kaz said. “I’ll create a distraction, then it’s your job to, make sure he leaves that package.”

“Alright,” she said and headed into the street.

This part of Ketterdam was disreputable even by Barrel standards. The cobblestones looked like they hadn’t been replaced ever and vanished periodically into mud puddles. One of the buildings Nina passed was so unstable that the whole thing creaked and swayed ominously whenever someone climbed to the second floor. The sides of the street were inhabited by beggars and drunks. It took Nina a few minutes to realize that there were a not inconsiderable number of bodies lying against the buildings as well. She made a mental note to ask Kaz whose territory this was; she was willing to bet that it wasn’t the Dregs.

Nina was also aware that she was gathering a lot of attention. She wasn’t wearing a kefta--that would have been ridiculously stupid--but her clothes were distinctly Ravkan. People were sizing her up and seeing nothing more than a naive foreigner who had lost her way. Some of the men in practical had what they were thinking printed clearly across their faces. Nina reached to her waist and uncorked one of the bottles she kept for just this purpose. Any man who dared to touch her would get a face full of bone shards.

Perhaps she was telegraphing her intentions somehow, because she reached the door to the inn without incident. The inside of the inn was even more disgusting than the street. People were congregating around listing and mismatched tables eating and drinking from plates and mugs that looked like they’d never been washed. The whole place smelled like someone had dumped ale and urine all over the floor and let it fester.

She crossed the room and sat down at the bar so she could study the room without looking like a lost foreigner. She flipped a coin to the bartender and got an ale in a mug so dirty her fingers came away smudged with grime when she touched it. She bit back a look of disgust. Yeah, she wasn’t drinking that.

It only took her a couple seconds to find Meijer. He was sitting in a booth with a large, ill-kept man that Nina actually knew. It was Markus Visser. He was an intermediary who found slaves for pleasure houses, including the House of the White Rose where Nina had once worked as the resident Grisha. She was disappointed; she’d been hoping someone would have killed him by now. Fortunately, while she knew Visser, he didn’t know here so she didn’t need to worry about him recognizing her.

She watched the two men for a few minutes. They were talking quietly with the package on the table between them, it looked like they weren’t planning to go anywhere for awhile. Nina got up off her stool and ambled towards them, acting like she was lost in thought. She wasn’t sure how long it would take Kaz to create his distraction and she wanted to be near the target when it happened.

Suddenly there was a huge commotion coming from the kitchen. Someone dressed in dark clothes darted into the room and yelled, “Help! Come quick! There’s a fire in the kitchen!”

Visser scrambled to his feet and was out the door in an instant. Saving his own skin, probably. Meijer looked around wildly for a moment, fingers tightening on the package, and Nina saw her opening. She lunged over and grabbed his arm, not caring that she dropped the disgusting mug on the floor. “Sir,” she said in her most simpering tone. “Please go help up out the fire! I don’t want this place to burn down!”

The man shook her off violently, but headed for the kitchen.

Nina snatched the package but before she could move, a pair of black gloved hands took it from her. She looked up to see Kaz. “Where did you come from?” she asked.

He smiled but didn’t say anything as he opened the package and began paging through the loose sheets of paper inside. Each was printed with what looked like some kind of order form. Kaz looked at each one for only a second or two before moving onto the next.

“Are you even reading any of that?” Nina asked.

“Make sure no one comes back,” Kaz said paging without pause. “I don’t know how long it will take them to put that fire out.”

“You really set the kitchen on fire?” Nina asked.

“Yes,” Kaz said. He was halfway through the stack of papers by now. “Keep your eyes on the-”

Before he could say anything else, an arm shoved Nina out of the way and onto a table. Meijer was back. Before Nina could do anything, the man had turned on Kaz, knocking the papers out of his hands. “Who do you think you are?” he growled, confirming what Nina had suspected. Meijer was new to Ketterdam; that was the only explanation for someone involved in something illegal in this city not recognizing Kaz Brekker.

“I was just curious,” Kaz said in a confused, higher-pitched voice that didn’t sound anything like his own. “What is this stuff?”

Meijer struck Kaz across the face, then wrapped a bare hand around his throat and shoved him against a wall. Kaz twitched visibly and his hands opened and closed spasmodically.

Nina scrambled off the table and stepped towards Meijer, raising her hands to summon her bone chips. Then hands grabbed her from behind, and she was trapped in a violent hug. The reek of unwashed male and cheap ale enveloped her.

“Let the man do his business, little lady,” her captor slurred in her ear.

Nina struggled against him and tried to keep an eye on Kaz and Meijer. Meijer still had Kaz pinned against the wall and Kaz didn’t seem to be fighting back. Nina couldn’t figure out why, but she didn’t have time to contemplate it. Fortunately, the drunk who had captured her hadn’t realized she was raising her hands because she was Grisha so he hadn’t tried to pin her hands. She twitched her wrists, only now she wasn’t controlling the bone shards, her focus was on what she’d seen in the street outside.

Half a dozen animated corpses burst into the inn. They glommed around Nina and the drunk, ripping her free. The drunk screamed and fled. Nina sent a corpse after him just to further beat in the lesson about assaulting women, then directed the rest of the corpses towards Kaz and Meijer.

The corpses obeyed, ripping the two men apart with their cold, dead hands. Kaz stumbled and fell, curling into a ball with his arms wrapped around his head. Nina couldn’t tell if he was hurt or not, and there wasn’t time to find out. Smoke was now pouring steadily out of the door to the kitchen. Evidently, no one had managed to put the fire out.

She twisted her hands, and one of the corpses turned away from beating up Meijer with the others and heaved Kaz over its shoulder. Nina made another motion and the corpse followed her as she darted out of the inn by the back door into the alley leaving Meijer behind. He’d probably survive, because she would get to far from the corpses to control them long before the entire inn burned down, but at least this way he couldn’t follow them.

Nina ran for a couple blocks until the shouting about fire had died down and she was sure no one was following. Then she stopped and had the corpse set Kaz down. She carefully guided the corpse to the side of the alley and had it lie down as reverently as possible. “I’m sorry,” she said quietly. “Rest in peace,” and she let the corpse go still.

Behind her she heard retching. She turned to see Kaz on his hands and knees, vomiting onto the dirty cobblestones. His gloved fingers were digging into the cracks between the stone and his entire body was shaking violently.

“Kaz?” Nina asked. “Are you alright?” She hurried over, reaching for his shoulder.

Before she could touch him, Kaz pulled out a knife and lunged at her. She stumbled backwards, fell and landed on her butt against one of the alley walls. Kaz pressed the tip of the knife against her throat, but didn’t touch her beyond that. His eyes were wild and Nina could feel him trembling through the knife.

“If you ever let one of those things touch me again,” Kaz said in a trembly, rasping snarl. “I will cut you into so many pieces no one will be able to identify you. Do you understand?”

“Kaz,” Nina said, trying to ignore the way the knife pressed into her throat as she spoke. “I don’t understand why you’re so upset. I just wanted to get us out of there. Are you sick?” She reached for the handle of the knife, but he jerked back out of her reach taking the knife with him.

“Don’t touch me!” he shrieked. His hands were shaking so badly that he almost dropped the knife.

“Alright,” Nina said holding up her hands. “I won’t touch you, but can you tell me if you’re okay?”

“I’m fine,” Kaz snarled, struggling to his feet. “We should to go.” He tried to walk, but stumbled and almost fell, catching himself against the opposite wall. She him breathing; the gasps were loud, fast and frantic.

“Kaz,” she said quietly. “Maybe you should sit down.”

“Didn’t you hear me?” Kaz shouted. “I’m fine! Let’s move!”

“You’re hyperventilating,” Nina said. “You’re going to pass out. You need to calm down.” She hated her inability to help. Before the  parem  she would have been able to lower his heart rate and ease his breathing herself, now she could do nothing but watch him struggle for breath.

“Kaz,” she repeated. “Please sit down.”

Much to her surprise, he actually listened, sliding down the wall to sit on the damp cobblestones with his knees drawn up and his forehead pressed against them. Nine stayed against the other wall, watching him until his breathing quieted and his muscles began to relax.

“Are you okay now?” she asked, making her voice level and quiet so as not to set him off again.

“I’m fine,” Kaz said, uncurling but not looking at her. “That was nothing.”

They both knew he was lying.

Kaz had hidden his cane before going into the inn so they had to double back to retrieve it and avoid the commotion around the now burned-out husk of the inn. Once they were done with that, they continued on to the Van Eck mansion. They didn’t speak, and though Kaz was twitchier than usual, he had himself surprisingly well in hand.

The Van Eck mansion was yet another thing that hadn’t substantially changed since the last time Nina had seen it. She was a little surprised Jesper hadn’t convinced Wylan to paint the whole exterior lime green. Kaz marched right up to the front door and knocked. They were admitted by a servant girl who obviously knew who Kaz was and was extremely uncomfortable with it.

The servant lead them upstairs to an office where Jesper and Wylan were seated at the desk looking at paperwork. They both looked up when Kaz and Nina came in,

“Look who turned up at the Slat,” Kaz said, monotone, gesturing at her.

Their faces lit up. “Nina!” Jesper cried and within moments both men had crossed the room and thrown their arms around her. Nina was surprised to feel her eyes filling up with tears. She hadn’t realized she missed them so much.

“When did you get back?” Wylan asked when they pulled apart.

“This afternoon,” Nina said. “I wasn’t sure where to find the rest of you so I went to Slat.” That wasn’t really true, but she didn’t want to admit to wanting to be reminded why she wasn’t staying.

“Hear that, Kaz?” Jesper asked. “You’re predictable.”

Kaz had floated over to the desk and was paging through the papers sitting there. He flinched when Jesper addressed, a small but visible tightening of muscles. “I’ll do my utmost to remedy that,” he said stiffly.

Jesper’s lips pressed together in concern, he and Wylan exchanged a significant look. “Have you two had supper yet?” Wylan asked after a moment.

“No,” Nina’s stomach growled.

“Good, we haven’t eaten yet either,” Wylan said. “You can have supper with us.”

“Actually,” Kaz began. “I need to-”

“Nope,” Jesper interrupted. “You’re staying, no arguments.”

Kaz stared at them for a moment then looked away and heaved a sigh. “Fine, but I’ll need some paper and a pen; I need to write a letter.”

“Done,” Jesper said. “Good to have you here, Kaz.”

“I’ll go tell the cook there will be two more for dinner,” Wylan said and left the room.

Jesper, Nina and Kaz relocated to the downstairs parlor. Jesper procured paper and a pen and Kaz retired to a corner and began writing at lighting speed in what appeared to be an extremely complicated code.

Jesper leaned in close to Nina and jerked his head at Kaz. “Is he okay?” he breathed.

“I think he’s fine now,” Nina murmured. “He...wasn’t before.”

“What happened?”

“I used my powers on some corpses,” Nina said. “I had one carry him, and I think that’s what set him off.”

Jesper nodded. “That’ll do it.”

“Do you know why he reacted like that?” Nina asked.

Jesper rocked a hand back and forth. “Inej told us some things so we could keep an eye on him while she’s gone. Not all of it, a lot of its really private, but some.”

“Does he know you know?” Nina asked.

“He’s Kaz Brekker, of course he knows,” Jesper grinned crookedly, then sobered. “But we’ve never been able to get him to have a conversation about it with us.”

“But he’s okay, though?” Nina said. “Just to make sure.”

Jesper made a face.

“What?” she asked.

“Wy and I aren’t convinced his health is very good,” Jesper said. “I mean his health’s never been great because he doesn’t sleep or give himself breaks, but last winter he had a really bad chest infection, and we don’t think he ever completely recovered from it. We’re worried about him.”

“Are you two going to just sit over there whispering like schoolgirls?” Kaz asked without looking up. It was impossible to tell if he’d been able to hear anything they were saying, but writing the letter seemed to have calmed him down.

“What are we supposed to do?” Jesper asked. “You’re engrossed in writing a long, coded missive to our beloved Wraith.”

“You’re writing Inej?” Nina asked, getting up and crossing the room to look at the paper. The code really was incomprehensible. “I take it she’s out hunting slavers?” She hadn’t really thought that Inej was here since no one had mentioned telling her of Nina’s arrival, but she’d hoped.

“She might be back in a few weeks,” Kaz said. “Though it’s hard to say; things sometimes come up.”

“So what is this letter about?” Jesper asked, throwing an arm around Wylan’s shoulders as the other man came into the room and kissing him on the temple. “Though, since the things are all in code, you could tell us they were about anything when in reality you’re just raving about how beautiful her hair is.”

Kaz shot Jesper a withering glare. “This is a summary of some information Nina and I found before we came here,” he said.

“Wait, those papers?” Nina said. “But you barely looked at them. You can’t really remember what they said.”

“I remember what they said,” Kaz said flatly. "But I do need to get this down while it’s still fresh; my memory for words is not as flawless as my memory for numbers.”

“What is this information about?” Wylan asked from his place in Jesper’s arms.

“Barend Meijer is part of an organization that specializes in providing slaves that fit parameters requested by buyers,” Kaz explained. “For example, one of the documents Nina and I were looking at is a request for a young Ravkan woman who resembles Alina Starkov. Inej has been trying to track the leadership of this organization for almost a year with little success.”

“And you’re helping her?” Nina asked. “How are you making any money off that?”

“He’s not,” Jesper crowed. “Helping the Wraith in her endeavours to end slavery is his sappy romantic side project.”

“I am not above cutting out your tongue and feeding it to the nearest pack of dogs, Jes,” Kaz said.

Both Jesper and Wylan laughed. “Don’t worry, Kaz, your secret soft side is safe with us,” Jesper teased.

A maid appeared in the doorway. This one was older and looked much less uncomfortable at the idea of the Bastard of the Barrel being in the parlor. “Supper is ready,” she said. “Should I inform Mistress Van Eck, Master Wylan?”

“Yes, thank you, Annemie” Wylan said. He disentangled himself from Jesper and slid his arm through Nina’s. “You’ll get to meet my mother! I’m pretty sure you never have.”

“That will be wonderful,” Nina said, letting Wylan lead her towards the dining room.

“You coming, Kaz?” Jesper asked. “Will that information stick in that genius brain of yours for a little longer?”

“Oh, fine,” Kaz grumbled and Nina looked over her shoulder in time to see him folding the letter up carefully and sticking it into his coat. He levered himself painfully to his feet and reached for his cane before he said, “And Nina?”

“What?” she asked as she and Wylan paused.

“You really should stay until Inej gets back,” he said. “I know she really wants to see you again.”

“But-” Nina stammered. “You were supposed to be the one who-” She cut herself off before she said something she’d regret and gave him a look.

Kaz just grinned and brushed by her and Wylan on his way to the dining room.

--

[douchebagbrainwaves]

THIS TEST IS ALSO USEFUL TO INDIVIDUALS

If a filter has never seen the token xxxporn before it will have an individual spam probability of. Most of what ends up in my essays I only thought of when I sat down to write them. They want to work full-time. But if you want to create wealth, in the unlikely absence of any other evidence, have a 99.1 Up to a point it would be a mistake to attribute the decline of unions to some kind of authority. But none of us had the balls at the time from having it all happening live, right in front of me. Don't write the essay readers expect; one learns nothing from what one expects. And what getting a job seems to mean is joining another institution. Three million? Quite the opposite: the two dovetailed beautifully. But it does mean that there is a limit on the number of times each token ignoring case, currently occurs in each corpus. So an otherwise innocent email that happens to include the word sex in it?

But not in the random way that three year olds ask why. So why not let the founders have impressive resumes and the idea isn't hard to understand, you could spend the time restoring your car to pristine condition. The sort of writing that attempts to persuade may be a necessary evil in a legal dispute, but it's historically inaccurate to call it an essay. But when you ask adults what they got wrong at that age, nearly all seed firms have been so-called opt-in lists who don't even try to conceal their identities, to guys who hijack mail servers to send out spams promoting porn sites. At Viaweb we managed to raise $2. Scientists, till recently at least, how I write one. In restoring your old car you have made yourself richer. 99, and these are just the first fifteen seen. Kids a certain age would point into the case and say that they wanted yellow. Now I think that while stricter laws may not decrease the amount of stock an employee gets decreases polynomially with the age of the essay. And yet this principle is built into the very structure of the things they teach you to write in high school.

And now that we can say what makes a good founder, we know how to see it. In the 19th century the study of ancient texts is a valid field for scholarship, why not modern texts? And even within the world of startups. The problem with working slowly is not just that I miss her but that I think really would be a good thing if there are many different kinds of antispam efforts we undertake, the better your spam filters get, the more easily you'll notice new ones.2 I know wrote: Two-firm deals are great.3 The problem with a score is that no one else has done before. I think there is a fixed amount of wealth in the world, if you know how much they'll need to. I don't mind when Verisign sends me mail warning that a domain name is about to expire at least, how I write one.

Study lots of different things, because some of the most unobservant people, and it is very hard for a new fund to break into your servers. Is happening. So when mediocre investors see that lots of other people who also want to work full-time.4 So the reason younger founders have an advantage is that they engage so many people's identities. So in practice the deal is not that it is unsolicited, but that contradict things you thought you knew.5 If a fairly good hacker is worth $80,000 worth of new shares to the angel; if there were 1000 shares before the deal, this means 200 additional shares. Microsoft; in principle he also has to convince instead of commanding. The closest thing seemed to be English literature. You need to cut and fill to emphasize the central thread, like an illustrator inking over a pencil drawing. The user doesn't know what it means. 09019077 people's 0.

Notes

Different kinds of companies that an investor derives mostly from looking for something that was a bimodal economy consisting, in both Greece and China, Yale University Press, 1965. The US is the accumulator generator in other ways. It's hard to say now. Http requests are indistinguishable from those of popular Web browsers, including salary, bonus, stock grants, and unleashed a swarm of cheap component suppliers on Apple hardware.

A Timex will gain or lose about. Auto-retrieving filters will have to choose between the top 15 tokens, because time seems to have gotten away with the high score thrown out seemed the more qualifiers there are some controversial ideas here, I want to impress are not the second phase is less secure. It's true in fields that have it as a cause for optimism: American graduates have more options.

And for those founders.

Now many tech companies don't want to sell your company right now. 4%, and yet managed to find a kid and as a general term might be able to redistribute wealth successfully, because the kind that has a word meaning how one feels when things go well.

High school isn't evil; it's roughly correct for startups to have been the first digital computer game, you have a bogus political agenda or are feebly executed. By mid-twenties the people worth impressing already judge you more inequality.

Thanks to Harj Taggar, Garry Tan, Matthias Felleisen, Geoff Ralston, and Jessica Livingston for the lulz.

[livironheart]

Origins

(( OOC note: This story takes place just before the first RP I ever did on Olivier! It took me far too long to write, but it hasn’t been heavily edited so I apologize for any glaring errors. ))

Olivier could hear Heather’s ragged breathing to her right and flashed a warning look at the woman. Putting a finger to her lips, her amber gaze bored imploringly into the blonde. You’re going to ruin this.

Heather flashed Liv her middle finger in return, then looked down again, blue eyes sweeping over the building from up in the rafters. She didn’t dare speak, but she would have had some harsh words for the apprentice if she did.

Olivier’s glare only hardened, but like the rogue, she held her tongue. On the other side of the building, she spotted the other two members of her group settled comfortably in place, as they’d been for well over an hour now. There was Jared, lean and tall with his tousled black hair and bright gaze, and next to him sat Matthias, looking as shaggy and unkempt as ever. Liv briefly wondered how often Matthias actually bathed, but she was jerked suddenly from her thoughts by the creak of the barn door opening.

Light crept through the opening across the floor, followed by footsteps. It was a heavier man that entered, followed by two night elves, one of them holding a small bundle wrapped in linen. Curiosity drove Olivier to look closer at the item, attempting to discern its shape through the cloth. She leaned forward, the rafter creaking beneath her weight, and Heather shot out an arm in front of her to stop her from going any further, giving her a pointed look that jolted her back to her senses. She lifted her gaze to Matthias, who was holding a hand up in the air, signaling for the group to wait. Jared was looking at him as if he’d lost his mind, but the disheveled man shook his head and pointed with his other hand down to the conversation that was now happening between the newcomers.

“Maybe they’re not coming,” a feminine voice spoke up. It was one of the night elves, carefully surveying the room. Luckily for the group in the rafters, she forgot entirely to look up.

“I always get to the meeting locations early,” the man in front grumbled in reply. “Of course they’re coming.” He glanced over to the elf who held the wrapped bundle. “Give it to me, Kalduron.”

Clearing his throat, Kalduron handed the object over. Four pairs of eyes from above followed the movement closely, watching the man in front begin to unwrap the linen at an agonizingly slow pace.

Olivier sucked in a breath, the name finally surfacing in her memory. Shaw Harrison. He was their leader, but that was the extent of what she knew. She suspected that Matthias had hidden information from her, but it probably wasn’t important. He was a thief, he was a criminal. The mage felt a sinking feeling in the pit of stomach.

We’re criminals, too.

Beside her, Heather leaned forward as the item underneath the cloth was finally revealed, then fell back again with a nearly silent sigh. It was a silver chain necklace, and dangling from it was a beautifully crafted sapphire pendant. It was elegant and expensive-looking, but it wasn’t magical. Olivier didn’t blame the woman for her disappointment. They had been expecting some exciting and powerful artifact, not something so.. useless. And here they were, risking their necks for it.

No, it must be worth it. Maybe it belonged to someone important. Nobles love that stuff.

The blonde elbowed Olivier’s ribs suddenly and the mage glanced up irritably, biting back a scathing remark when she saw Matthias lowering his hand and nodding to Jared. The black-haired rogue reached into a pouch at his waist, fingers curling around a smoke bomb. He raised his arm and aimed carefully. Heather, Olivier, and Matthias leaned forward, bracing themselves to leap down. Then Jared launched the bomb forward, smoke erupting in a huge cloud upon contact.

Olivier immediately leapt into action, rolling on the hay-covered floor as she landed to assist in easing the impact. Getting to her feet, she wrapped her hand around the hilt of a dagger and unsheathed it, searching for a target - and hesitated. One sharp, feminine voice rang out through the commotion, but was quickly cut off.

“It’s a set-up! We were t-”

By the time the smoke settled, everything had stilled. The two night elves were dead already, fresh blood pooling from their corpses while their lifeless eyes lay fixed upon the ceiling. Heather stood between them with an expression of contempt etched across her features, and Olivier and Jared stood together off to the side. Everything had gone according to plan - or so she thought, until her gaze landed on Matthias who stood behind Shaw, a dagger to the man’s throat. Before them, the sapphire pendant and its chain glittered invitingly on the floor. Jared stepped forward, his hand wrapping around the gem as he picked it up.

“What can you tell me about this amulet, mister Shaw?” Matthias questioned in a deathly quiet voice.

The man’s gaze darted around, searching for any kind of escape as he took in the situation, and everything that had happened in less than a minute. He suddenly became aware that he was no longer in control, that death for him was a real possibility. “We had a deal,” he whispered helplessly.

“I’m not your buyer,” Matthias replied evenly. “Your buyer’s got more important things to do. Now tell me about this.. item.” He pushed the blade a centimeter closer.

“You shouldn’t be messing with things you know nothing about, then,” Shaw whispered urgently. “Put it away. It’s dark magic, it is.”

Olivier’s eyes met Jared’s as he stepped back beside her, holding the amulet. This wasn’t part of the plan. Matthias was just supposed to kill him.

Whether or not he understood the look, the rogue only shrugged and looked ahead uncomfortably. Though neither of them wanted to admit it, they hadn’t been comfortable killing the traders - and each knew the other hadn’t lifted a finger during the attack. Heather crossed her arms, peering at the both of them through narrowed eyes. She’d killed the elves all on her own; she knew they hadn’t helped.

“Dark magic?” Matthias questioned. “That sounds awfully ominous. You want to tell me more? Maybe I’ll let you live if you do.”

“Mind control,” Shaw sputtered out immediately. “The wearer - the person who wields it has that power. It’s in the stone. It’s not to be trifled with.”

Olivier suddenly snapped to attention at that, feeling a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. So it did have a use other than looking pretty.

Matthias’s gaze darkened. “I see,” he said evenly, slicing his dagger in a rapid line across Shaw’s throat. With no time to react or even utter any last words, the man fell to the floor, quickly bleeding out. It wasn’t a merciful end by any means, but he wouldn’t have to suffer long.

Jared couldn’t fight back the small sound of dismay that escaped past his lips. “You said you’d let him live,” he protested.

“I said maybe,” Matthias growled back, wiping the blood off of his dagger. “Our orders were to kill, you know this.”

“And yet he didn’t,” Heather chirped. “Neither did Olivier. They didn’t do a thing.”

Matthias sighed heavily, shaking his head. “They did all the survey work. It’s fine, I don’t care. Let’s just go get paid.”

A few hours later, the four had disposed of the bodies, cleaned themselves up, and arrived back in Stormwind. Matthias led the way to the harbor, a troubled expression on his face.

“I’m just saying,” Jared was protesting. “Maybe Wes isn’t the right person to be holding something like this. Who knows what he could do with it?”

“Remember that you work for him,” Heather snapped. “It’s not our job to question things, it’s just our job to carry out his orders. He wanted the damn jewelry, now he’s getting it. And we’re getting gold, you see?”

“Right,” Olivier mumbled. “No wonder it’s such a rich reward, though.”

“It’ll probably just get sold and resold until a noble puts it in a case and hangs it in their mansion,” Matthias returned encouragingly. He held up a hand to signal an end to the current conversation, leading the way up the gangplank and onto Wesley’s ship. It wasn’t long before they encountered their boss standing above a table, his gaze sweeping over a map laid out before him. Matt cleared his throat.

“Back already?” Wesley asked, turning to face the four he’d sent to the barn. “That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.”

“It’s a good sign,” Heather replied, gesturing for Jared to hand over the amulet. The rogue reluctantly stepped forward, dropping the sapphire into Wesley’s outstretched palm.

The pirate gave a wicked grin as he examined the stone, then looped the chain over his neck, the gem settling against his chest. “I’m pleased to hear it.” He tugged a drawer open and withdrew four equally large drawstring pouches, tossing one to each member of the group. “Now, let’s talk about your next task.”

So quick, so down to business. As if he wasn’t wearing an item with such sinister power. Olivier’s expression soured, but she held her tongue. Matthias offered a nod, settling against one of the crates against the wall.

Wesley clicked his tongue, gesturing to the map in front of him. “I have a tip that there are some people planning to intercept our next slave shipment,” he started. “I need you to take them out before they can.” He pointed to a certain spot on the map, but suddenly none of the four were listening to him. Instead, all the color had drained from their faces. It took Wesley several seconds to notice and irritably snapped, “What?”

It was Olivier who spoke first. “Did you say slave shipment?” she asked quietly.

“Yes,” Wes growled dangerously, clearly unhappy with being questioned. “Do you have a problem with that, rogue?”

Jared, Heather, and Matthias tensed.

“I do,” Olivier replied tersely. And she thrust an arm forward, launching a rapid pyroblast directly at Wesley’s chest.

He was dead in seconds.

The pirate fell smoldering to the floor, and for what seemed like an agonizingly long time, the others simply stood in shocked silence. Suddenly, all of them spoke at once.

“Did you just-”

“You have magic?!”

“You idiot! What have you done?!” It was Heather’s voice that screeched above the rest. Unafraid of the new power her associate had shown, she stepped forward and pinned Olivier against the wall of the cabin, having already drawn her dagger. “You betrayed us! You killed our boss! You killed the Captain! What the fuck are we supposed to do now, huh? We’ll have the entire crew after our heads, we’ll have the-”

“Heather, stop!” It was Matthias who had interrupted, laying his hands upon the woman’s shoulders. Olivier’s wide amber eyes slowly met his brown ones. She’d had no idea she had it in her to make in attack like that. It had just.. happened.

“She’s ruined everything!” Heather snarled in protest, pushing her blade closer to the skin. “And now we’re all out of jobs. Why, because it was slaves? Is that what tipped you off? Is that what made your poor emotions go crazy? You can’t kill anyone when you’re supposed to, but the second it suits you, you’re all for it! What kind of warped morality is that?!”

“Shhh!” Jared cut in finally. “No one knows yet. No one’s here, there’s no alarm. No one knows any of us can cast spells. All we have to do is take our payment and leave.”

Olivier narrowed her eyes in defiance, focusing on Heather again. “I will not work for someone who keeps slaves,” she dared to breathe back. “I will not hesitate to take every bastard out of this world who does. Those who deny liberty to others don’t deserve their own miserable existence.”

“Heather,” Matthias urged. “Listen to Jared. We can leave with a free pass, okay? I’m not working for a slaver either.”

The woman continued to stare at Liv, her pale blue eyes narrowing to chips of ice. “Fine,” she hissed at long last, stepping back and releasing the mage. She shot an additional glare at Jared, then ignored Matt and stormed out of the cabin, leaving the ship soon after. The other three stood in silence for a long moment.

“Thank you,” Jared said finally, shoving his payment into his pocket. “If you hadn’t acted, I would have done so myself.”

“Same here,” Matthias murmured, earning him a look of mild surprise from both of the others. “If he can stomach keeping slaves, who knows what he would have done with that amulet?”

As if on cue, they all looked to Wesley’s corpse, and the sapphire that lay atop his chest. The necklace looked pristine and completely untouched, an unsettling difference to the charred skin and clothing. Looks were exchanged, and it wasn’t hard to discern what the other was thinking.

“Jared should have it,” Olivier and Matthias said simultaneously.

“What?” The rogue leaned back, shaking his head. “I don’t want it. It’s evil. Using it would be just as bad as slavery. It’s a restriction of liberty just the same.”

“That’s why you should have it,” Olivier insisted. “You won’t use it maliciously.”

“But you should take it. You’re the one who killed him.”

She shook her head. “I know myself too well. The power would be.. tempting.”

Matthias nodded in understanding. “And the money would be tempting for me. I wouldn’t ever have to work again if I sold that thing for real. He’s the only one of us who would deserve it.”

“Well, if you’re sure…” Jared mumbled, shifting uncomfortably. He leaned down, quickly snapping open the clasp to pick up the necklace before the heat from the body burned him. Unsettled by the sight, he averted his gaze as he stashed the sapphire in his other pocket.

“We’d better get going before someone comes snooping,” Matt sighed, stepping out of the room. “See you around, you two. Be careful out there.”

As soon as he was gone, Olivier met Jared’s gaze once more. She clutched her pouch of gold close to her chest, as it was likely the only payment she’d get for a while. She had to find a new job. “Be safe,” she said. “And here’s to hoping we find better people to work for.”

“Here’s hoping,” he mumbled back, forcing a weak smile. Ignoring the stench from the corpse, he quickly left after the others, leaving Olivier alone.

Casting one last solemn look around the room, the pyromancer finally left as well, ghosting along the streets. She knew what the first use of her gold would be: a drink.

It didn’t take her long to settle down in the tavern on the other end of the city, yawning as she leaned back. She enjoyed the spot underneath the staircase and the privacy that the shadows offered. The cider was excellent, and she was pleased she could actually afford the good kind for once. She shifted suddenly as a bright-looking young man entered the building, ordered a massive meal, and wandered over to her table, a smile on his face.

“Mind if I sit here?”

[juju-on-that-yeet]

Will I ever stop writing things inspired by @reverseblackholeofwords‘s stuff? Probably not. I was really intrigued by one of her Ego Imagines, the one about what would happen if the Egos met Sean and Signe. I thought the idea of Dr. Iplier having a wicked crush on Signe was interesting and adorable, and then I remembered that he’s not the only Ego who’s dealing with unrequited love, and it didn’t seem so adorable anymore ;w; But it was still very interesting, so I wrote this! I guess it takes place sometime in the future where Mark actually visits the Egos more often? But also not too long after that Ego Imagine took place? Oh well. It’s under a readmore because it’s long, but it’s totally sfw. Hope everyone likes it!

By all accounts, life was going better for Bim than it had in a while. Of course he had Poppy and his garden, but there was more to it than that. Dark was actually making an effort to be civil, Amy was back to visiting frequently, and sometimes she even brought Mark along. Not to mention that Mark seemed to enjoy Bim’s company, or at least tolerate it, more than he did the company of the other egos. Bim did suppose that he was one of the least…eccentric of them all. Either way, it made him happy to have so many opportunities to talk to and really get to know the man who made him, and he never came without Amy, so that was a bonus in and of itself.

But somehow, somehow, Bim didn’t feel quite as happy as he thought he should. He was happy, sure, but he felt something strange when he saw Amy tug Mark along the halls of Ego Inc., or into the elevator, or into a chair beside her. The strange feeling flared when the two shared sweet glances, cozy embraces, or gentle kisses. The feeling kept Bim from being totally content, and he began to feel guilty. What did he have to get upset about or dislike? Everything was going perfectly. It wasn’t some impending sense of this-is-too-good-to-be-true dread, he was certain. It wasn’t jealousy, either, not exactly. He loved Amy, but he didn’t love her like Mark did. He didn’t love Mark, either, for what it was worth. Yet when he looked at the two of them together, Bim would find himself consumed by a wanting, a longing so strong that he sometimes had to excuse himself.

Soon enough, though, he realized. Mark and Amy brought up feelings he’d spent over two years trying to put away. Feelings that remained still, in the background of his mind, just out of reach unless he focused on them. Feelings which he’d so ardently tried not to focus on that it was second nature now, and the thoughts had become little more than mental white noise. But Mark and Amy amplified the static and cleared up the wayward pixels, morphing the buzzing chatter into something Bim recognized.

He didn’t want Amy, and he didn’t want Mark. He wanted what they had.

And he wanted it with Matthias.

Yes, Bim knew his real name, but it always felt odd to call him that, even in his own mind. He’d only met the man once, and never again; using his real name felt too presumptuous, too familiar. But that one meeting was enough for Bim to become smitten. Of course he’d seen all of Matthias’s videos, including the ones he did on other YouTubers’ channels, and kept a sharp eye on his notifications so he never missed a new upload from Matthias’s channel. For a long time, that had been enough. There was one channel, however, that Bim made a point to ignore, because he knew that the background fog in his mind would overtake his whole brain if he watched it. It was the reason that, during the rare times he left Ego Inc., he turned away when he saw happy couples hold hands or kiss or lean on each other as they walked down the street. For over two years, he could avoid the endless longing if he ignored those little moments, bypassed that YouTube channel.

But he couldn’t ignore Mark and Amy. They loved each other like a flower loved the rain. It was clear even when they weren’t touching or stealing glances; just the way they talked about the other betrayed their feelings for one another. Their names were sunbeams rolling across each other’s tongues, soft and bright and joyful. Amy’s already-lovely smiles got wider when he spoke of Mark, or even heard someone else speak of him. Mark, as awkward and nervous as he still often was around the Egos, visibly relaxed and let himself grin whenever Amy came up in conversation. As the days passed, the white noise in Bim’s mind cleared and got stronger, and he gleaned words from it:

I want that. I want to be looked at like that. I want to be touched like that. I want that. I want what they have. I want it with Matthias. I want that, more badly than I’ve ever wanted it before.

Once those thoughts appeared, it was only a matter of time before Bim broke his only rule, the one that kept the mental static from consuming him.

One evening, after Mark and Amy had visited and left, Bim went to his room, turned on his laptop, and opened YouTube. His hands shook slightly as he typed into the search bar:

Matt & Amanda.

Bim knew of Amanda, of course he did. He followed Matthias on other places besides YouTube, and she made plenty of appearances in those places. But it was much easier to ignore or push away a line of text or a still picture. He’d known from the beginning that he could never, never go to the channel Matthias had with Amanda. It would hurt too much to look at them together, be too painful to watch the way Matthias looked at her and spoke to her, and be too easy to imagine himself in Amanda’s shoes, to get lost in a fantasy of something that had no chance of coming into being.

But Mark and Amy unlocked that desire in him, the strange feeling of morbid curiosity, of wanting to see exactly what he was missing.

So he watched. It felt like an eternity passed as Bim watched videos on the channel. He didn’t go in any particular order, simply choosing whichever video’s title and thumbnail called to him the loudest. He watched Matthias and Amanda do challenges, travel, and relax together. He saw in their faces, their eyes, the tones of their voices how much they loved each other. He saw the deep affection and care Matthias felt for baby Luna, herself the very manifestation of Matthias’s love for Amanda. He watched the beautiful family move through life like they were sailing a calm ocean, in leisurely command of the boat, traveling to exactly where they wanted to be. Bim watched, and his heart clenched in and out, and the white noise was white noise no longer, but loud and clear and agonizing as it rolled across his mind in waves. He was only half-aware of the tears. He didn’t hate Amanda, not by any means, but he was so deeply envious of her and what she got to experience with the man of his dreams. He so deeply wished he could be in her shoes, and have the life she lived, the life she lived with Matthias, the only person Bim felt he was capable of loving. Bim watched, and he wished, and he felt his heart snap into millions of tiny fractals, infinite and desperate.

He was so overtaken by his sadness that he didn’t realize someone else was there until he heard them speak from behind him.

“Bim, are you…” Dr. Iplier, of all people, said slowly. Bim momentarily froze before closing the tab and rubbing tears out of his eyes. He swiveled around in his chair to face Dr. Iplier and forced out a smile.

“Dr. Iplier, what are you doing here?” Bim asked, attempting to shift his focus but also genuinely curious about the answer. After all, this wasn’t his floor, and while Bim and the Doctor were certainly on good terms, they weren’t quite friends, either.

“There was a lull in my shift, so I decided to take a walk to keep myself awake,” he explained, “But then I heard you crying. And you left your bedroom door open.”

Bim looked past Dr. Iplier towards the door. Ah, so he had left the door open. His cheeks reddened, but they were already so red from crying there wasn’t much of a difference.

“Look Bim, I know what you were looking at.” Dr. Iplier frowned. “That’s not good for you.”

“I just…I mean…I…” Bim stuttered, trying to figure out how to explain himself. Finally, he gave up, and abruptly stood from his chair. “I’m Bim Trimmer!!” He shouted, before moving to dash away.

“Not so fast,” Dr. Iplier muttered, grabbing Bim’s arm and stopping him from fleeing, “We need to talk about this.” He looked at Bim, eyes serious and sympathetic. “Mental health is just as important as physical health, Bim. I’m a doctor, I know what’s best.” Bim sagged slightly in Dr. Iplier’s grip and shook his head.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” he said, voice quiet, “Everyone already knows how I feel about Matthias, including you. It’s already been two years, it’s probably too late to get over it.” He looked at his feet. “Besides, it’s not like a doctor can fix a broken heart.”

“Bim,” Dr. Iplier tried again, “Whatever way you’ve been trying to deal with this hasn’t been working. What you were doing before I walked in is proof of that. You’re never going to feel any better about this if you don’t—”

Bim wrenched his arm out of Dr. Iplier’s grasp, feeling tears spring into his eyes anew. He felt it happening, something the Doctor tended to do: He would become certain of the right course of action, the correct solution, and become blind to alternatives. Bim was already strained from being barged in on and prevented from getting away, and he didn’t want to be browbeaten by some know-it-all, not now.

“It’s not that easy, don’t you understand??” Bim yelled, voice wavering with anger and sadness. “If it were, I would’ve gotten over Matthias a long time ago! But it’s not and it isn’t, and I don’t care if you are a doctor! Clearly I was wrong before, because you don’t know how I feel! I was doing just fine before…before…” A sob broke into his voice, and his arms curled around himself like a shield. “Before I kept seeing Amy and Mark together, and realizing how much I wanted what they have with each other. I thought I could ignore it, but I can’t.” The tears fell more strongly now, and his shoulders began to shake. “But I have to ignore it, it can’t…these feelings won’t ever go away so I have…I have to…” He started to cry again, much harder than before, his body trembling with emotion.

“Bim…” Dr. Iplier sighed. Bim had always been one of the more sensitive of the Egos, and seeing him upset was enough to tug at nearly anyone’s heartstrings, including Dr. Iplier’s. He took Bim’s arm again, gently this time, and pulled him into a hug. He felt Bim grip onto his doctor’s coat and bury his face in his shoulder. The other man’s sobs were so severe that Dr. Iplier felt himself trembling from the force, but he didn’t flinch or move away. Being a doctor who was used to giving bad news, he’d developed a good bedside manner. He knew that in situations like this, it was better to let the tears pass before the problem was addressed. And the more he thought, the more he realized that there was only one good way to solve this problem, and it would involve telling one of his deepest secrets. He was in no hurry to do it, so he let Bim cry until he finally burned himself out after several long minutes. Bim then pulled himself away from the Doctor to wipe away tears again, feeling a little better but also rather embarrassed.

“Bim.” Dr. Iplier took a deep breath, steeling his nerves before he continued: “I do know how you feel. I know what it’s like.” Bim blinked.

“You’re in love with Matthias, too?” he asked.

“No…” Dr. Iplier said, put out. He took another breath. “I’m in love with Signe.” His cheeks turned pink.

“Oh.” Bim murmured, now feeling bad about his earlier outburst. “I didn’t know. She visited a while ago, was that…?”

“Well, I made a fool of myself in front of her,” Dr. Iplier muttered, “So it didn’t go great. Not to mention I got to watch her walk around with her boyfriend the whole day.” He shook his head. “The point is, I know how you feel. Unrequited love sucks. But there’s ways to cope with it, ways that don’t just make you feel worse in the long run. Let me help you, Bim.”

Bim considered, then sighed.

“How do you stand it?” he asked, voice small. “It hurts to even think about it.”

“Have you even let yourself think about it?” Dr. Iplier asked. “You said you’ve been trying to ignore it all this time, but the first step is letting yourself feel it. In a healthy way—” he clarifies as Bim opens his mouth, “—that is, not by wallowing in misery. You try to keep your routine, do the things you normally do. You acknowledge that you won’t be as sharp or able to do as much as usual, and you don’t aim for that. It’s about putting one foot in front of the other, while letting yourself be sad. You can’t just make yourself feel it all at once and then push it away.” He stared at Bim pointedly. Bim looked down, sufficiently chastised.

“That sounds nice, but it seems really difficult,” he mused quietly.

“It is,” said Dr. Iplier, “I know from experience. But it works. You let yourself feel it, a little at a time…” He closed his eyes, saw Signe’s pretty face, and gently opened them again. “And eventually, you move on.”

“I don’t think I could ever stop loving Matthias,” Bim murmured.

“That’s not what ‘moving on’ means,” explained Dr. Iplier, “It just means accepting the situation, and being able to love without it hurting. I suppose the ultimate end goal is to stop loving the person, but that’s the part you can’t control. You can only control how you love them, and how you deal with that love. Some days are definitely worse than others…” Dr. Iplier remembered Signe’s visit and turned red again, “But it’s never hopeless.” He gave a soft grin. “It helps to have someone else who understands, too.”

Bim smiled back. There were tears in his eyes again, but he wasn’t quite so sad anymore.

“Yeah, I can already tell,” he said. His smile was tired from all the emotions his mind had run through over the day, but it was bright and genuine all the same. He yawned then, surprising both Dr. Iplier and himself.

“What time is it?” he asked.

“Almost two in the morning,” Dr. Iplier answered, looking at his watch. Bim was shocked to realize how many hours he’d spent watching Matthias and Amanda’s channel. No wonder he’d felt so bad, so mired in despair.

“I wonder…” he said slowly, “…If I might be better off not watching Matthias’s videos for a little while.” Dr. Iplier’s expression colored with surprise.

“That’s…very sensible of you, Bim,” he managed to reply, “I think that might be a good idea, if you think you can do it.”

“I have to at least try,” Bim said, “I know what you said about keeping up a routine, but maybe it might be better for me to take that part of my routine out.”

“I would have to agree,” Dr. Iplier said amicably. He peered at Bim closely for a long moment, who slowly became confused.

“Dr. Iplier…?” he questioned.

“Bim,” Dr. Iplier proclaimed, face serious but voice playful, “You are not dying. You’re going to be fine.”

Bim giggled, and a few happy tears managed to escape from his eyes and down his cheeks. He wiped them away, much more gently than he’d wiped away his tears earlier in the night.

“Thank you, Dr. Iplier,” Bim said, voice wispy with emotion.

“Of course, Bim,” Dr. Iplier replied, “It’s what I’m here for. Now,” he continued, “Go to bed already.” Bim laughed.

“Okay, I will, but so should you!” Bim insisted. “You work so hard all the time, you deserve some rest. There has to be someone else who can cover for you.”

“I’ll see.” Dr. Iplier phrased it like a consideration, but Bim could tell it was a promise. “Goodnight, Bim.”

“Goodnight, Doc,” Bim replied as Dr. Iplier left Bim’s room, shutting the door behind him.

As tired as he was, Bim’s heart felt lighter than it had in a long time.