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staycatcher · 5 years ago

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Anguish 001- Anguish

“Out of genuine free will, I, Lee Minho, exercise the divine right to reject my sacredly designed soulmate.”

Member: Lee Minho / Lee Know x Femme Reader (she / her)

Au: Frat Boi! Minho + Rejected Soulmate AU

Genre: Angst (some comedy?,, this series is gonna be angsty because of the whole ‘rejected soulmate’ thing)

Rated T for a whole lotta swearing, a frat party, crowds, usage of alcohol and mentions of drugs, intensity, reader is a bit socially anxious (please lmk if any other warnings are needed!💞🥺)

Word Count: 4k & manually double spaced between words & paragraphs for ease of reading!!!!🥵🤠🥰

Note: this is dedicated to @trixareforlix, they’re the first-ever friend I made on here and they’re the one who sparked this frat au idea!! Ilysm always angel!!<33

Edited: 201015 (Original: 190813 )

Anguish series 1/?- ~001~, 002

The anticipated day where you’d become magnetized, the world around you becoming a blur, your heart falling into perfect sync with the one destined for you truly… was not like that at all, actually! No, the stars were cruel to you, perhaps you did something awful in your past life to deserve this, but maybe what is more likely is that your soulmate’s just an asshole. After all, one’s soulmate was the complete opposite of one’s self. Soulmates were the yin to one’s yang and vice versa and all that. To keep one balanced, or whatever.

Now, you aren’t the angel everyone may claim you to be. You weren’t angelic, not at all. Eating ice cream for breakfast was not above you. Your nail polish was perpetually chipped. You couldn’t stand to keep your hair in the same style for too long; chopping it all off or seeing how long it could grow, dying it as bright as you could, and everything in between. You adorned yourself with two or three more piercings than your parents could get behind, bless them, you’re beginning to have trouble hiding your new tattoo. Habitually, you were sensitive, soft, a bit emotional, and tended to be a bit of a smartass. You weren’t blessed with physical grace, ceaselessly tripping over yourself, spilling and knocking over anything in your path, and dancing out of beat to blasted songs.

More often than not, you would go to bed later than planned. Tonight was one of those nights, but it was not because of your natural preference. You were not too figuratively dragged into this by someone who held the title of your best friend, someone whom you were currently thinking of ways of revoking that title from.

“C’mon, dummy! We’re almost there!” Jamie elbowed you, her eyes crinkled in laughter, whacking you on the back a bit too hard.

“Jamie, I must’ve forgotten, but why’re you even dragging me to this frat party again? Why not just go to your sorority instead?” You groaned, your two left feet were dragging behind you on the aged sidewalk, your fake Doc Martens feeling like cinder blocks.

“‘Cause Chris invited me and he’s being a little bitch about it because I keep canceling on ‘im! He keeps saying that my soulmate might be there!” She reminded you for the umpteenth time, rolling her head and eyes back in frustration, sighing before continuing. “And now it’s like- I might as well try and see! I mean, come on!~ I’m starting to think he’s right!” And for the umpteenth time today, you question why she’s falling for this. She’s sharper than this. But for some reason, just this once, she found a way to shoehorn Chris’s dumbassery to logic.

In reality, you could meet your soulmate at any time or place, so to say that one's soulmate might be there is like saying it might rain. Sure, it might. But it also can rain in any season so you can’t be wrong with saying that it might. It doesn’t always rain every day, all the time, so it also isn’t that likely. Rain depends on a lot more factors. But right now, you’re a little buzzed, so it sounded pretty sound.

“So he knows your soulmate?”

“I’d hope so! If not, I’d rip his bleached hay-hair right out of his thick skull!” Now, this is the Jamie you knew and loved, you couldn't help the endeared smile on your face. “When we could’ve been eating takeout and watching a musical-“

“So which frat are we going to again?” You had to interrupt her for her sake. Takeout and a movie would always remain superior to parties in your mind and you already didn’t want to be accompanying her to a frat house.

“Hmm… It’s like- uh... Signal kite zing- wait no- hold on-“

You guys must be tipsier from the pregaming than you thought. “Sigma? ‘Signal’ isn’t greek, I think you mean sigma! And ‘kite’ isn-”

“Right, whatever! Anyways, the abbreviation is SKZ-“

“Ohhh! We’re friends with some of them- We’re like best friends with Chris!! Why didn’t you say it was Chris’s frat in the first place?” Your laugh projecting out of you unattractively with claps and swings of limbs which led to slapping a little too hard at Jamie's shoulder. This clarification did make you feel a bit better. This wasn’t a shitty fraternity you didn’t know, this was a shitty fraternity you inevitably tolerated since you knew and even approved of some of its members!

SKZ was home to a hodgepodge of eight brothers who were pretty individual as far as frat dudes go. Some of which you were genuinely fond of, like Chris, or simply acquainted with, like Jisung, whom you shared a major and program with. Others, you couldn’t even remember the names of or who they are in general. It’s also the smallest frat on campus, so they try to get as many people to come to events as possible, which is honestly exhausting as a concept to your introverted self. Thus, you’ve never actually attended one of theirs until now, now that Jamie is dragging you along with her.

“Ow! I don’t know!~ I thought you were smart enough to figure it out when I mentioned Chris!” She teased, making the two of you laugh harder, you couldn’t defend yourself on that one. The two of you just continued your idiotic banter the rest of the way to the Sigma Kappa Zeta house aka the SKZ frat.

The walk to SKZ’s lair was a bit much, more than you and Jamie bargained for. You were so kindly carrying her platforms for her until she’ll put them back on again, only for you to probably end up kindly carrying them again later tonight. The cool breeze of the September night helped with the humidity and sweat, and the sun beautifully set, leaving a delicate lilac color in its wake which was becoming darker and darker the further you walked. The hazy streetlights added to the whimsy atmosphere, yet to be ruined with the sound of an intolerable amount of bass and the overbearing smell of beer and weed when the two of you arrived on site.

“Okay, I’m pretty sure it’s this house!” Jamie halted her steps, turning towards you, her hair swaying along with the belled sleeves of her mesh turtleneck she had under her dress. The two of you really dolled yourselves up for the night, her hair was perfect, your hair was perfect, outside was perfect, and it brought you sobering back to the not-so-perfect earth. The idea of going inside a suffocating, putrid house majorly crowded with drunk and hormonal peers... was not appealing to you in the least.

“Yup, and now it’s time to turn back around!” You quipped, ensnaring her arm with your empty one, about to steer the two of you in a three-point-turn. This was your final chance at getting out of your predicament, and now that you’re here you regret playing along. Sadly, Jamie was just as stubborn as you, and your turn around was met with a roadblock.

“Oh my god, Y/n, you’re joking! We walked the whole ass way here!” She got out in between puffs of airy frustration, her socked heels digging into the ground as you attempted, gracelessly, to steer the two of you around.

“Okay, okay, fine. We did come all this way and now our drinks’ve worn off.” You acknowledged with an irritated huff. “Okay- how about we go in and get some drinks, and then we’ll leave?!” Your pitch going up with each word of your attempt to negotiate before forcing out a chuckle, your laugh did its best to hide the fact that your body was beginning to stick with sweat and anxiety.

“No, ‘and then’ we’ll find Chris to hook me up!” She playfully fought back but it was hard to take her seriously, or yourself, with how the two of you were laughing, hers genuine, yours not so much.

“Jesus Christ, you really are set on this ‘finding your soulmate’ thing.” You breathed. As much as you hated social gatherings, you loved your best friend much, much more, therefore you were willing to be won over in the name of friendship. Though, she would owe you for this! Fortunately for her, food and drink is fair trade in you and your wallet’s eyes.

“I’m lonely, okay! I’d prefer winning the lottery but this is the next best thing!” Jamie, as per usual, brought the two you back right to laughter instantly. She had her mind made up. Plus, with you giggling it made it all the easier for her to haul the both of you right up the steps of the SKZ Frat House stairs.

Once in, Jamie stuck close to your side, literally, but not that she had the natural choice or much of an alternative; this place was packed to the gills! Jumping up on her now platform clad feet, looking for anyone she recognized or any signs of Chris, while you led the two of you, hopefully, to a kitchen. You were practically kicking yourself each step of the way as you shoved your way through the crowd. The air was stuffy and possibly even toxic, to say the least. The scent is much more foul than last you remember, pungent with alcohol, sweat, cigarettes, weed, hints of puke, and dashes of all sorts of pheromones. Despite the few times you’ve smelled this scent, it never failed to make you wish you didn’t leave your safe, sanitary bed.

There’s jabbing elbows and flailing parts of strangers everywhere that had to be watched out and dodged for, sloshing cups, sometimes drunken flirtatious hands grabbing at you, not at all fazed by the pretty companion you had your elbow linked with. The sway of the hoards of people was beginning to get you motion sick, but you were determined to keep wading through, trying to hike through this high tide, but you couldn’t help but feel vulnerable. You were cursed with a soft, approachable face that just begged to be messed with. Even in times like these, where your thoughts are nothing short of bitchy, the message would never get across with a resting bitch face. Your love for dark attire didn’t matter. Your baby face and aura won every match. Not even the eyeliner and dark lipstick you preferred could save you. All you could do is hope that your best friend’s intimidation and delightfully loud presence was enough for the two of you as you keep planting one foot after the other.

“Fucking hell!” You barely gasped out, finally freed out of the main room, and now into the hallway. The seasick claustrophobia no longer had its poisonous grips on your soft, easy to bruise skin, though, you did need to catch your breath.

“Finally!” Jamie sighed loudly and melodically, patting you on the back and easily recovering. Before she headed straight into the kitchen to scope out the place, possibly for anyone she knew and, perhaps, her Special Someone.

“So did ya see anyone you knew, Jame?” You called after her upon entering what appeared to be a stereotypical scene of the kitchen during a college party. Cliche red solo cups scattered everywhere, filled at varying degrees. A beer keg or two, some cheap bottles of vodka splayed about, remnants of ash from blunts, a couple or two aggressively making out against the wall, and four or five random stragglers fidgeting with their phone or talking overly loudly to each other. You know, the usual.

“Ughh, no” She answered reluctantly. “They have to be somewhere else, maybe, like upstairs or downstairs, right?!”

Before you could reply, behind you, you heard an enthusiastic “Jamie!!” then a muffled, “you finally made it!!” The familiar voice had you jerking your head to see if your ears were failing you, evidently, they weren’t. Right away you see Chris tackling Jamie in a hug before he met your eyes with his comically wide ones.

“Aaaahhh!! Y/n’s here too?!”

“Yeah! Don’t we look cute?” Jamie fluffed up her cropped, newly dyed hair you helped her do, yours also in a similar state.

“Yeah, but Y/n looks better.” He teased, giggling and slapping her in the arm; unsurprising, as it’s their usual fashion.

“Oh my god! Why did I come here?! Okay, we’ll leave then, Chris.” Jamie joked right back at him, snatching at your hand like it was a prize to be won and taking you away with her. Unfortunately for you, this was just a well-meaning joke, you weren’t going to be set free from a party anytime soon.

“Nooo! Don’t go!!” He dramatized, grabbing onto at Jamie, halting her from leaving with you in tow. Giggling so hard, he had to throw his head back to project it all. You snorted a “thank you” a bit late, too busy laughing. He just gave you a brotherly slap on the arm, on his way to leave before Jamie stopped him.

“Wait! What about my soulmate? You said they'd be here, remember!”

“Oh?” Chris’s eyebrows scrunched in confusion, Jamie nodded with stern wide eyes which seemed to spark back his doubtful memory, “Ahhh… downstairs… maybe… I think- hangin’ out! There’s a game about to start- Oh, yeah! That’s why I’m here-” he giggled to himself, “to get this!” He then snatched a full bottle of vodka from a sneaky cabinet you didn’t know about before ushering you guys along to follow him. Honestly, Chris didn’t make it sound too promising that Jamie’s soulmate could be down there, but it’s the best lead you got.

Shyly, you followed behind the two as he led the way to the basement. With Chris as your guide, it was relatively smooth sailing, the crowd parting minimally to make way for the president of the frat. Before you know it, you’re walking down some nasty ass carpeted stairs, forcing your eyes from questionable stains to look for a rail instead to hold onto. Strangely enough, walking down the steps was comforting somehow, the feeling as if it were inviting you in. Like it assigned you a duty instead of the alienating fish out of water experience you had earlier on the main floor.

“I picked up some stragglers!” Chris cheered as he turned into the room.

“Yeah, but did you bring the alcohol?” A brazen voice you’ve never heard before shot straight through you. You could feel it run through you with tingles down your spine and goosebumps up your arms.

“Hell yeah I did, ya jackass!”

When the two of you turned the corner, the world slowed down and your muscles instantly seized up, halting you into place without consent. Your insides clench tight, wrapping itself into a knot. Suddenly you were sweating, but in contrast, your vision looked as though you were looking through a nice refreshing glass of pink lemonade. Normally steady hands were now shaky, your ears and cheeks beginning to glow beet red. You could feel yourself beginning to sweat at the nape of your neck and underarms; all this from the sudden voice of the stranger! -What? What’s going on?!-

Immediately, your gaze pans around the room before they landed on the source, long-lashed eyes holding a dark chocolate glaze and shivering you to the bone. Like a hooked fish, you couldn’t look away. The initial astonishment of just the sensations couldn‘t compare to exploring the face in front of you.

Chiseled cheeks, and angular brows. Pouty naturally downturned lips were discovered underneath an impossibly perfect, pointy nose. Everything about him was like the artwork, his slightly covered forehead was somehow artistic as if even the space between the brow and the hairline was something new that your narrow mind could never possibly understand. His hairline soon revealed a head of luscious black hair, unrealistically voluminous, shiny and soft. Honestly, his hair was screaming at you to test out if it could be possible, that someone who looked like this was real. His entire face and head on his shoulders didn’t make conceivable sense. Maybe it’s just you, but a person this perfect couldn’t exist and you have yet to venture south to see how perfect the rest of him could possibly be.

“Y/n? Are- are you okay?”

You vaguely felt or heard your best friend at your side, but it wasn’t decipherable. Everything but this guy in front of you was fuzzy, blurry to you. All the energy in your being focused on this human in front of you. His silky, messily parted locks, begging for you to test if it was as soft as it looked. His sharp features. His lips a natural coral-y color that began to shine and glimmer with saliva as his glossy tongue began to trail along those chapped lips. You shot your eyes back to his, reeling you back in like the prey you began to feel. Oh, sweet, sweet baby Jesus, is this really happening?!

“I-“ both of you started at the same time. Embarrassingly enough, it seems as though the blurry figures of everyone else in the corner of your eyes caught on to something the two of you were oblivious to. Everyone started jumping and screaming, whooping chaotically, and taking over your vision. The slow world disappeared in a blink, launching you right back to its now rapid, woozy speed. With everyone pushing and shoving around you in excitement it was not at all helping with your wibbly-wobbly state.

Suddenly, you felt many different arms coming at you, wrapping around you, constricting you, and jumping around with you in their arms in excitement. There was a deafening amount of rambunctious hooting and hollering it was almost as if the team they were rooting for won the SuperBowl.

“And here I thought Y/n was Jamie’s soulmate!” Chris guffawed and they all joined in, all besides you and this guy- WAIT- did Chris say- say ‘soulmate’?? No, he couldn’t have!

“Soulmate?” Equally, as soon as you internally questioned the word choice, you heard his earth-shattering voice speak again, despite the fact he merely whispered, softly wondering aloud. He spoke aloud what you were thinking, right when you thought it!

You couldn’t get enough of his voice, especially now when you can’t see him in the crowd. His voice was light, honey-colored, dreamy, just the perfect amount of deep, it made you want to taste his lips to see if he’s as sweet as he sounded. You, yourself, were still in the locked-in-place state, still too shell shocked to even make a step forward, your poor brain overworking itself to make sense of any of this.

“Really?” In elated shock you chirped, slowly giving in to the hugs and excited jumping with wide and confused eyes. Is this for real? This is really happening?!

“Holy fuck, Y/n!” Jamie managed to get you, pulling you a bit too crushingly in a hug. “I can’t believe it! You found your soulmate in this shitty basement and not me!” She playfully teased, there was no ill will behind it.

By now the situation was beginning to sink in a teeny bit and you were shocked, to say the least. Frankly, you were starting to think that this day would never come. You had a soulmate and your soulmate looked like that! You were over the moon, even if you felt a bit guilty that you found your soulmate at this party instead of Jamie. It was the plan of this whole night, after all. Now that it was you, you didn’t know how to react. You were completely and utterly unprepared.

“I’m so sorry, Jamie.” You pulled her back in closer, crushing her back into you, eyes watering, lip trembling. “Oh my god, I think I might- I think I might cry.” You hiccupped into her chic mesh turtleneck and dress combo. This is too much. Too too much.

“Heyy!~ Don’t feel bad for me! It’s okay!” Jamie simply chortled, patting your head deeper into her chest, her usual protocol if you were about to seriously cry.

Humiliatingly enough, you heard a few guys begin to chant “don’t cry!” in the background. Your small moment of sincerity and calm was soon interrupted by Chris.

“Well isn’t this fun! You know what this means!”~

“Minho’s soulmate’s a lil’ bitch?” You heard Jisung, the kid whom you shared your major and many classes with, taunt. His words forcing you forward, ready to fight the kid. He’s a child, literally a child! Why do I associate myself with him?! I swear to god-

“Hey, hey, hey! It was a joke!” He squeaked away from you. He was too speedy, no chance for you and your heavy ass boots stomping after him. Safely, he skidded behind the couch, behind whom you’re assuming is “Minho”, which had your boots screeching to a halt.

Though you were scrambling after Jisung, your eyes naturally met Minho’s as you halted. Once again, your body is preparing to either fight or flight. His face was glowing like he was some sort of ethereal being, wracked up in deep, attractive concentration. In contrast, your face was beginning to burn up an embarrassing amount, your body already turning into inoperable mush. You couldn’t say anything if you tried. Any sentence structure your brain tried to form didn’t make any grammatical or logical sense, your mind racing like a hamster on a wheel. Your neural pathways were glowing, steaming with this sudden overstimulation, leading you to the same frazzling answer each and every time:

This person right in front of you? Yeah, that’s your soulmate.

A hush was spread throughout the previously hype basement, all eyes immersed in the two of you speechlessly enraptured in each other. The longer you stood there, the more you could take him in and get used to him and the idea of him. You were warming up to him, he became more and more real with each millisecond. You've studied his eyes so passionately now that could see his dark chocolatey pupils when you closed your eyes. You were no longer overwhelmed but now enchanted by his features and general presence. His cheekbones are no longer an unfamiliar art piece. His aura was still intimidating as before, but now it appeared to the cheeky kind of way like you wanted to see what amount of scary he was capable of. It was a long, jittery, drawn-out pause before anything happened, not that you noticed.

“Out of genuine free will,” You just smiled, staring at his naturally downturned lips. Only by reading his lips did you pay attention to what he was saying- Wait, what?

“I, Lee-” Hold on a second.

“Minho-” No.

“Exercise the divine right to” This isn’t happening to me. This isn’t-

“Reject my sacredly designed-” happening. No. No. It can’t be. It’s not p-

“Soulmate.” -ossible.

The electric, exciting, high energy pause between us fell and wilted. Died just like that. The connected red strings that tied Minho and yourself were chopped off on his own accord, bringing icy cold into the room in its wake. A harsh blizzard overwhelming the space. Gasps of shocked air were being taken in from everyone in this basement, everyone, including Lee Minho.

You got a gasp of bitter cold in through your lungs before you were struck like lightning. Lightning of feverish torture took over your body, struck you directly in the heart and brain before it flashed through your veins carrying the harsh poison of rejection.

You heard a pathetic squawk tear its way out of your chapped lips, the anguish forcing you down to your knees as if you were directly stabbed in the heart. The electric, immediate painful reaction faded, bringing boiling throbs through all your cells, not leaving one out. It was unlike anything you could describe, no, imagine. It was as if the blood in your veins was replaced with boiling water and your heart was simultaneously squeezed and electrocuted in the grasps of electric hands. Maybe it was the hands of Satan dragging you down with him.

Blurrily, through fresh, hot tears, you swear you could see Minho physically flinch in response, immediately, sprinting out of the room as if he was escaping from a house on fire.

That was the last you saw before it all faded to black.

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thehonestmommy · 5 years ago

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What I wish people told me about postpartum life

There is a TON of advise and guidance on what to expect when you are pregnant. Theres even more about how to handle every little cough, hiccup, and milestone that your baby goes through. But theres something in between thats severly lacking in conversation and warning. Postpartum life. Im not talking about how tired you will be or how your house will turn into a toy store. I mean the little things that will likely take you by surprise unless a well meaning friend shares it with you. Because for some reason, we as a society dont talk about the post partum mom, except for breasfeeding, baby weight, and stretch marks. But let me tell you, there is a whole lot more than that.

Well, as the over-sharer that I am, allow me to prepare you for the things that never get spoken about, and might surprise you about life after pregnancy. Here are some of the things I had to learn on my own, and that I wish someone told me about so I was more prepared.

WARNING: I’m gonna get personal and gross right from the get-go. Buckle up.

You will sweat…profusely

Seriously. My first night after giving birth, I was so sweaty. But I passed it off as just part of recovery. I mean, I did just spend 3 days pushing a human out of my body, I’m understandably sweaty. But then the next night, same thing. And the following night, too. For weeks and weeks it continued. I would wake up at night to feed my baby and be soaked, almost like I had the flu! I felt disgusting, and was constantly changing clothes. But the more I questioned other moms (online and in mom groups) the more I realized we all were experiencing this to some degree….we just wen’t talking about it. I mean, sure. It’s a bit embarrassing, especially if you aren’t a person who sweats very much under normal circumstances. But it woulda saved us all a lot of embarrassment if it was something we were told was par for the course! No need to worry, soggy momma. You are normal.

You will smell

This goes hand in hand with being sweaty. But it’s so much more than that. I was constantly getting whiffs of my own body odour…and boy was it bad. And it wasn’t the typical B.O. smell I’d get if I’d done some cardio and wasn’t able to shower straight away. This was a whole other beast. I kept trying to compensate for smelling horrible by saying it out loud and apologizing. But my mom and my husband kept reassuring me that they couldn’t smell a thing. But how couldn’t they?! I was so rank. Im telling you, it was so bad that I would shower, and sniff my pitts after soaping up while SILL IN THE SHOWER and I could still smell myself. Seriously. No amount of soap or scrubbing was making this go away.

But heres the thing. No one around me could smell it (or at least they wouldn’t tell me so) except my baby. You see, this is a special function of a breastfeeding mom. You take on a unique signature scent that helps your young baby identify you. And as they grow and their senses develop, the stench (or strength of it) fades away.

If i had known this before it happened, maybe I wouldn’t have cried in the shower after scrubbing my armpits raw.

Postpartum insomnia is a thing

We all know that new parents have a hard time sleeping. But I always thought it was because

A) The baby keeps you awake with its very loud singing, practicing for auditions on The Voice, B) The baby being asleep makes you freak out that its too still to be breathing , or C) You cant stop watching this adorable little chubby mini-me peacefully sleeping

So, it really surprised me when my baby started sleeping through the night, but I did not. I didn’t feel anxious. I wasn’t plagued of thoughts about my baby’s safety. And even though I loved watching him sleep, I was cool with rolling over and enjoying my much needed rest. But, no matter how tired I was, the sleep wouldn’t come. I would lay awake, utterly exhausted. I would just nodd off and the baby would wake. Every 5 nights or so, I would sleep. Yes, you read that right. I would only sleep after about 4 full sleepless nights. Those 4 to 5 days were torturous cat naps only. After about a month of this, I went to my Dr because I thought something was seriously wrong. She knowingly chuckled when I explained what was going on. “Postpartum insomnia” she said. Apparently, it’s a hormone thing. Not every woman experiences it, but it’s not uncommon. “it will go away when you are done breastfeeding, most likely.” Oh. My. God. Are you kidding me? My kid is finally sleeping for more than 30 minutes at a time, and now I cant, and wont, until i’m done breastfeeding? (I plan to breastfeed for at least a year) Mother nature, your jokes aren’t that funny.

Carpal tunnel syndrome

Exactly the same as postpartum insomnia, some women get carpal tunnel that wont go away till breastfeeding is over. Its not unusual for women to get it while they are pregnant, but even if you didn’t have it then, you could still get it once your baby has left the flesh-building. According to my doc, hormones mixed with weight-bearing hand positions (breastfeeding again, yay!) is the perfect recipe for some inflammation of the nerves in your forearms and hands. My hands didn’t hurt much during the day but at night they would drive me crazy. Think pins and needles to the nth degree. That shit is going to keep you awake #postpartuminsomnia

Breastfeeding + binge eating

breastfeeding burns a LOT of calories. You think you were eating for two while you were pregnant? Thats not nothing on breastfeeding. That baby keps getting bigger and hungrier. Get ready to smash some food.

Breastfeeding + thirst

Breastmilk is surprisingly watery. Baby drinks breast milk, your fluids deplete, the body needs more to make more milk. The process is not surprising. What might surprise you is that you get thirsty IMMEDIATELY after your baby has triggered the let-down (aka within minutes of him/her latching on) Keep a bottle of water handy for every nursing session. You are gonna need it.

Period pains

I think its fairly well established in the way we discuss postpartum that your period may not come back for a while. But what they DON’T tell you, is that you will still get similar pains fairly often. In the beginning, your uterus needs to go back to its regular size, so cramping/contractions will take place for a few weeks after giving birth to contract that uterus back to its old self. Thats right. You will still have contractions for WEEKS. Yay!

If you are breastfeeding, the cramping will happen DURING nursing. Its kinda cool, although pretty uncomfortable. You might notice the postpartum bloat go down in unison with those sessions of cramping. its different for all women, but for me, that intense cramping only lasted about 3-4 weeks. But here’s where people stop talking about it. But guess what? you will still get cramps! Pretty much once a month, I get a day of mild cramping. Its nothing like what it used to be (although my experience may be biased since I’m an endometriosis gal) but it’s still noticeable, and identifiable.

You are still ovulating

Carrying right on from getting those period cramps comes the obvious but often misunderstood fact that you are still ovulating. Many people are lead to believe that if they are breastfeeding and did not get their periods back yet, that they can not get pregnant. This is FALSE INFORMATION #fakenews So many woman end up pregnant again because they are not practicing safe sex under the assumption that no period means no ovulation. Sorry to say, your body goes right back on makin’ them eggs. Life, uh…finds a way #jurassicpark

Hormone imbalances continue (acne, sweats, cravings, mood swings)

Again, no secret to anyone that pregnant women are on a rollercoaster ride of hormones that are challenging at best, and downright unfair at worst. But whats most unfair is that you dont get to just be done with all that after your sweet little bundle arrives. Oh no. no no no. The rollercoaster gets more intense, if you can believe it.

Many people will be familiar with the term Post Partum Depression, which is common and no joke. If you suspect that you or someone you care about might be suffering from PPD, please access help. Start by talking to a doctor. There is LOTS of help available.

But, outside of PPD, it seems a disservice to me that no one explains that mood swings, food cravings, exhaustion, acne, hair loss/hair gain, sweating and the like are almost guaranteed to happen. I don’t mind speaking out about PPD and saying that I suffered, and I still do suffer from regressive episodes from time to time. But for a while, I wondered if all my other symptoms were PPD. My amazing midwife explained that those things are not indicative of PPD but a normal part of your body settling into its new role as a food truck (breastfeeding, again! argh!)

So if you are experiencing things that make you feel like a teenager again, you are not alone. It’s par for the course. But please talk to a Dr to get screened for post partum depression just to be sure.

leaking breasts

So I heard of this before. But I seriously was not prepared. I thought it was a unicorn thing that only happened to the rare woman who’s a breastmilk goddess with an oversupply. So i’m going to do you ladies a service and let you know the real deal here. Even if you think this wont happen to you, it probably might.

You don’t need to have an oversupply, your baby doesn’t need to suddenly sleep through the night. (although both of those things make it even more likely) Your breasts will spontaneously leak; maybe when your baby sleeps through the night the first time and your supply was hoping for a night feed. Maybe when your baby cries because it’s hungry and you don’t immediately get to them. Maybe when a srangers’ baby cries because it’s hungry. Maybe when you are looking at them on the baby monitor or watching them do something especially cute. Or maybe when you are having an intimate moment with your partner (YUP). MAKE PEACE WITH THIS. It will happen, and continue to happen, when you least expect it. You’r boobs now have a mind of their own.

Oh and just when you think that phase is over, it will happen again. #oops

Speedy hair and nail growth

This may be a pleasant surpriuse to some (or a major inconvenience depending on your maintenance level). Your hair and nail growth might speed up. Not sure why that one happens, but wow I feel like i cut my nails every week now. And I am getting 2x more haircuts, too.

Another common thing that happens is the texture of your hair changing. Many women go from luscious curls to straight locks or vice versa after pregnancy. Your body grew, sustained, and continues to sustain life. Those are MAJOR changes, so… Anything is possible!

Dry vaj (masquerading as injuries)

Oh yes. Im going there. If you made it this far, lets just assume you’re cool with how gross I can be at times. okay? Great. :) OKay, You are a mom. You might have pushed at baby out of your body. Or maybe you had someone surgically remove it. In both cases, your muscle structure gets significantly compromised. Under good health care, we are told to limit our activity for 6 weeks while the body heals. I dont know a single mom, c-section or vaginal delivery, who felt like their body was actually ready to get back in the game. It takes MONTHS to heal, and my midwife (did I mention shes awesome?) laid it out for me honestly. She said things are not gonna feel anywhere near normal for the better part of a year. I’m currently 8.5 months postpartum, and yo she was right. My core is weak, my diastases is still present, and I was in some serious pelvic pain for a long while.

So, on the advise of many a Dr and friend, I decided to see a pelvic floor physiotherapist in hopes that she can help guide me into a life where it doesn’t feel like I’m going to lose my uterus every time i squat down.

It was an embarassing and humbling experience. This Dr literally tests out your muscle control from within. Its like the most revealing pap you’ve ever had. But seriously, it was worth it. What i learned was even though i was expierencing pain, my muscle structure was NOT compromised. Where did the pain com from you might ask? Dryness.

Yeah I know. It’s not ladylike to talk about that. No one wants to admit its an issue either. But remember how breastfeeding affects almost every topic covered above? Well this one too. Surprise! Your body’s natural fluids are depleted in a big way when your kid drinks sometimes 200ml 6-10 times a day. (Go measure that our if you’r not familiar with it. Its a lot.) If you are not super hydrated, and extremely well nourished, your body will totally ditch its other systems to provide for your child instead. Its admirable, but dang if your not careful it really translates in so some serious discomfort.

Turns out that some topical moisturizers (coconut oil did it for me, but some people need something more substantial with estrogen in it) and maintaining my body’s hydration brought me back to 80%. Couple that with learning how to do diaphragmatic breathing and activating your transverse abdominus during kegel exercises (okay can we just not cover that? I’ve said enough gross stuff) and you’re well on your way to recovery.

The takeaway

Growing and serving up a baby does a number on your body, but it continues after the birth. It takes work, healthy choices and a lot of knowledge to stay on top of whats happening to your body once your baby is here. Breastfeeding, no matter how long you decide to do it, is a lot harder than people give credit for. It goes far beyond latch and weight peoblems, and not enough people talk about that. Be prepared for your body to continue to go through changes as your baby changes with you. Be kind to yourself, eat well, drink as much water as you can every day, and TALK TO OTHER MOMS about what the heck is going on. You’ll be surprised to know you are not alone. <3

#postpartum #ppd #baby #body #womens health #post partum #postpartum depression

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incorrect-ego-quotes · 7 years ago

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It's December 1st. Whose screaming Christmas carols, whose baking Christmas treats, whose decorating, who doesn't care, whose putting up mistletoe everywhere, whose shopping for presents every second, who forgot presents, who purposely didn't get presents and whose constantly asking for a puppy? (Sorry this so long, I just kept getting ideas!)

IM SORRY THIS IS DAYS LATE BUT I L O V E CHRISTMAS I HAVE TO DO THIS ONE. ALSO FORGIVE ME THIS IS /LONG AS FUCK/--the ipliersthe jim twins are as excited as, well, a kid on christmas morning. wearing santa hats, candy canes in their mouths, they even decorated their mic in red and green ribbon. the two practically shrieking out christmas songs -- much to everyone's annoyance "CHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE--""jesus christ," dark snaps, "can you two knock it off?! it's only the first--""WOULD YOU LIKE A MORE MODERN SONG OF JOY." jim twin #1 asks, holding up a worn book of christmas carols -- the same one they've had since they were 4. passed on from dear old Mother Jim."no! this season is so grossly happy and joyful -- leave me to work--""I, DONT WANT A LOT FOR CHRISTMAS." jim twin #2 starts off as dark covers his ears. why did they have to be the loudest egos? why cant they see how shitty of a holiday christmas is?!"THERE IS JUST ONE THING I NEED, DONT CARE ABOUT--"dark gets an idea and smirks. knowing one way he can get them to leave him alone. "santa isn't real."the two twins share an offended and angry look, mouths open, did he just?!"christmas was a pagan festival of gifts before being appropriated by romans based on the Odin myth."the jim twins cringe, holding their dear caroling book closer -- he...he has to be lying!"who is the god of war and death."the jim twins turn away offended as all hell. jim twin #1 throwing a candy cane in dark's face and hissing. "SHUN THE NONBELIEVER, JIM.""SHUN."they then run off to go do whatever christmas activity next -- dark hoping they won't take this caroling /publicly/.******ed edgar and silver shepherd are cooking in the kitchen. ed is a surprisingly good cook -- especially around the holidays. just ask anyone who's been to his thanksgiving or christmas dinners. silver only tagged along because he was tired of dark being a joy sucker out of the season."now," ed chuckles, "we're gon' need about a store's worth of flour.""...what?! wh--ed, why do we need a store's worth.""uh, /excuse you, youngin'/," ed points at his pink and white apron. almost annoyed, "this apron calls me chef in charge 'round here. you follow, don't question.""ed. first of all, that's wilford's apron. second of all, we probably only need one bag at most for gingerbread cookies. why would we need a--""listen. i'm only making one gingerbread man fo' everybody 'round here -- i take home the rest.""how...much exactly is the rest?""350."silver shepherd sighs, taking off his mask and gloves. ed still smiling away as if his idea was normal. well, no arguing with a stubborn man like ed. he grabs his car keys from the table as ed follows him, "your limit is 50 dollars for the ingredients." he mumbles. "i knew you'd come 'round!" ed wraps an arm around silver, "we're gon' have so much fun with these lil old cookies! i even have a homemade sugar icing recipe! i'll even make a lil cape fo' yours!" he silently doubted it but hey, its a hell of a lot better than spending his free time with an angry and annoyed dark. ******bim tugged the host along, holding onto the sleeve of his trenchcoat gently as he lead him into the meeting room. the tall green christmas tree standing proudly in the corner. decorations of red and green and gold littered the meeting room's table. the smell of pine hits the host before anything -- taking him back to his own cabin in the woods long ago. the trees covering him away from the world as he...the host shook his head. he hated those memories. he hated those dark times. he hated it all."wilford put us in charge of the tree this year," bim smiled to himself, "i know its a challenge with erm...""i'm blind?""yeah, that." bim sighs, grabbing the box of lights and unrolling them gently, handing the ball to the host, who held it with a strange look on his face."w-what's poking me?""lights, silly!" bim giggles. the sound making the host blush and laugh along. any time bim was happy, he was happy. "now, i'm gonna loop around the tree. you just follow along, yeah? tell me if ya get dizzy and we can slow down.""the host nods, holding the bundle of lights close to his chest. ready for the decorations -- reminding him of his most favorite time of year."bim shakes his head and laughs, "you can't ever turn that off, can you?""the host cannot."the two start off steady and slow. the host following bim's footsteps. he could hear the jim twins playing 'i'll be home for christmas' in the next room over -- their office space. "those two can never get tired of christmas, i swear.""the host reminds bim that it's worse for him since his own office is right next door to the twins."bim giggles, "well, hope ya like christmas as much as them." it's when bim giggles does the host wish he had his sight back. what'd he give to see his smile (although, according to dark, it looks like his -- he doubt it. bim was handsome, charming, while his smile held back pain he swallowed down.)in those small moments of thinking and wishing, the host stays in place. the lights tangling as bim gets wrapped up with the host, groaning as the tree falls gently against them. the two tied chest to chest, bim's hands resting on the host's hips. "um..." bim laughs nervously, blushing away, "hostie, bud, we're tangled.""i...is that you against me?""yeah...i'll -- i'll get us out!!"the music drowns out bim's struggles as he pulls at the lights. the host's thoughts screaming at him -- tell him!! now's your chance!! confess!!"i love...i love--""hmm?" bim perks up, "sorry, wasn't listening, what do you love?""t...this song!! i, i love it, it's my favorite christmas song."he stops and hears bim laugh again, humming along, "its a good song."the host goes along with the lie, singing along as bim rests his head on the host's shoulder to get around to the lights behind him. "if only in my dreams."yeah, only in his dreams -- bim had matthias, what did he have? nothing but his dreams of what could be with the two of them. at least, for a moment, he had the courage to change that. maybe that's what he'll ask for this year; courage. ******dark crossed his arms and continued to work in his office. he could smell cookies baking, he could hear christmas songs being sung, and he could see holly being hung in the halls. how stupid -- the other egos should be /working!/ do they think they can take over mark's channel with all this fooling around?! he slams the laptop he'd been using shut and stares out his window. even the fuckin' /city/ was covered in red and green, fake reindeer and sleighs all around, snowmen (who bought fake snow to LA?!) waving in the cold breeze. he face palms himself. a headache coming on. he hated winter, he hated christmas, he hated everything about the holidays.it...brought back memories he didn't want to dwell on. memories of christmas morning...in a mansion of some sort. fuzzy memories of a woman, a man, and that damned mark -- all enjoying...hot chocolate with marshmallows. opening gifts like.../a family/."heeeeey darkidoo," wilford bursts into his office. the jim twins still throwing (sharpened to a point) candy canes at dark's door. "what do you want, wil?""geez," he shuts the door, dark's back turned towards him, "what's up with the jims? ya do something?""other than not engaging them in their childish behavior -- not, i did nothing." he sighs, "did you finish the weekly schedule for this month's programming on Markiplier TV?""gimmie another day--""damnit, wil! stop -- just stop! stop with this foolish nonsense, this holly jolly bullshit! i hate this season and i hate the way it makes everyone--" he stops as he hears wilford set down something on his desk and wrap an arm behind him. hugging him. "dark," he sighs, "just...take it easy, okay? it's december -- at least be happy the year's almost over, and be happy you still got us. hell, be happy some egos are working like doc and google." he smiles, "just...be happy we're all still here to celebrate the season. and nobody's gone."there's silence as dark hangs his head low. "i'll leave you alone for a while. i gotta confiscate the candy canes from the jims. i'll see you at home, dark."he squeezes around dark once more and moves to leave, stopping before he opens the door, "oh! i...i found that while looking for the christmas tree in the storage back home. i...i have a feeling it's yours. broke it in for ya!" he laughs as he leaves. dark turns around to see a black mug with a cursive 'D' on it. an intense emotion of...nostalgia rushing over him despite not remembering the mug. he stares out the window again as he holds the hot mug to him. he looks down to see hot chocolate and marshmallows. he smiles and sips the hot drink. this season isn't so bad after all with people like wilford in his life.--the septiceyesthis...was going to be the best surprise, marvin thought to himself. thanks to a new trick he'd learned -- he successfully figured out how to move the mistletoe to wherever he wanted, as if he had hung them everywhere. he was sure it'd be a laugh to see everyone's reactions. making anti kiss the pizza delivery guy, making dr. schneeplestein kiss whatever old patient he was seeing, maybe making robbie kiss his reflection. it'd be hilarious nonetheless. marvin, the marvelous magician, shall wow and dazzle his fellow egos!!he hid behind the couch in the lobby of their headquarters, where they hold their meetings, and waited.and waitedand waited/and waited/.growing tired as nobody walked by, had they found out about his plan? did nobody just need to come this way?he saw jackieboy man walk by and perked up, using his wand to move the mistletoe closer under him, rushing out the door to call him back as he left."j-jackie!! hey...oh shit," he looked up as he noticed he was directly under the mistletoe.jackieboy raised an eyebrow before looking up. "aha, you want to meet me here?" he smirks, catching marvin's chin in his fingers, flipping down his mask and red hoodie, soft green hair cascading down his face. a blush crossing marvin's cheek."just us two? alone here, the christmas decorations and lights lighting up your face so softly...""um, i mean--""here? under..." jackieboy looks up. suggestive. marvin not knowing if it was humanly possible to blush anymore."jackie...""THE MISTLEFOE?!""wha--" he ducked as jackieboy tackled him, wrestling him to the floor as chase and anti walked by. anti shouting as chase winced."get the magic nerd!! get the magic nerd!!" anti shouts"THE HELL IS A MISTLEFOE?!" marvin yells as he taps out with his wand from jackieboy man's headlock. ripping away his cat mask."pssh, the mistlefoe!! put two people under that," jackieboy points to the mistletoe, "and have 'em duke it out, fight and stuff. you dont know about the best winter tradition?""erm...its actually meant for the two to--" chase is cut off as marvin uses his wand to seal his lips shut, chase giving him the middle finger and pointing to his lips.marvin used his magic to burn the magic mistletoe attached to the doorframe. cringing as jackieboy man helped him up. helping him walk to dr. schneep's office"better luck next year, magic boy!!""....i hate working here," marvin coughs as he waits for the doctor. this, was going to be a very long winter. ******the doctor clocks out early, waving goodbye to the other egos....at 10 am, after working for 45 minutes."dude, ya can't just up and leave!! we need help with decorating!! and baking the cookies!!" jackieman boy yells as chase nearly stumbles carrying in the tree. "i must!!" the doctor yells, "chase, you are in charge until i get back at...well, just know you're all working late tonight!"chase gives a thumbs up, pointing at anti as he walks by, already directing them all.the drive to the mall isn't too long, he runs towards the opening, still in his doctor uniform. this time of year was perfect for his giving heart. already having a mile long list of gift ideas for every one of the egos in his pocket, his credit card with his savings from all his paychecks since last year loaded onto it -- no price limit for anyone!! and he finally healed from his injuries after black friday and cyber monday!! (hey, those internet shoppers are no joke)he practically skips into the mall with glee at the decorations. giant christmas gift boxes, fake snow, even a 'winter wonderland' with a fake santa -- wait...was that his patient bobby dressed up? bobby with the bad smoking habit?"i hope he cleaned up for the kiddies," schneep says to himself as he rushes into the first store -- a new camera for chase on the top of his list!!he gets everyone everything -- new knife collection for anti!! a new tux for marvin!! every single marvel movie for jackieboy man!! stuffed animals and candy for robbie!! a top hat for dapper jack!!and that's just for the first day of december, he plans to do this all until christmas eve, already having different wrapping for each ego's gift. until he sees it. his own personal wish. the 35 book set of medical mysteries -- all in order, and all for him.until another hand touches the set too. dr. iplier staring at him from the other side of the shelf. downright glaring. "henrik.""edward."the two stare back in spite -- no, schneep /needed this/. he worked too damn long this year to be bested by some quack doctor ego."aha," schneep laughs, obviously fake, "what are you doing here?""shopping for christmas. i was just looking at this book set i wanted for myself."fuck. schneep tugs on the set. dr. iplier's hand not going away. "oh, really?" he smiles coldly, "so. was. i."dr. iplier tugs, schneep tugs, the two turning into a tug of war before schneep pulls him against the wooden shelf in the bookstore, yelling as they fight it out. the early morning shoppers crowding around them, recording as schneep hold dr. iplier in a headlock. "THOSE BOOKS ARE MINE, YOU PRICK.""OVER MY DEAD BODY, QUACK.""OH THAT CAN BE ARRANGED, BITCH.""TRY ME, YOU ASSHOLE."schneep pulls out the scalpel he keeps in his pocket. the two fighting more, knocking displays over and taking it outside to the winter wonderland exhibit. children running and screaming as they crash into santa's sleigh. finally -- they're broken apart by santa (bobby). schneep grabbing his items from the bookstore and rushing out the mall. not wanting to deal with police or security. wiping away tears as he drives back. thankfully -- good old smoking santa (bobby), his faithful patient, was head of security at the mall. "its christmas," he later told schneep on the phone (and dr. iplier), "just...stay outta the mall for a good two days and i'll pretend not a single thing happened"schneep wiped away tears as he layer learned -- hey, the bookstore had tons of copies of the book set they were fighting over, that was just a display!he, however blushes as chase, anti, and robbie crowd around chase's phone. the video from his fight going viral online. "doc!! you're trending under #ThoseBooksAreMine!! that's awesome as hell, you'll be a meme!!" chase praises. schneep shakes his head. nursing the black eye he has. he knows it'll be worth it when he sees their laughing and happy faces on christmas day.because he knows damn well, marvin would forget presents and anti would die before he got presents for anyone else.******"a puppy!!" chase smiles as he walks into their ego headquarters with anti. heavy coats and scarves on. a smaller dog being walked by a young boy trotting on. "ew." anti drinks the starbucks chase bought him, "dogs are gross--"chase gasps, "i...am offended on behalf of all dogs, dude!!" "what? its a dirty animal that tracks mud and barely listens.""sure you're not describing yourself, dude?" chase jokes as anti rolls his eyes. "how could you want a little disgusting creature like that?""they're cute, they're playful, they cuddle up to ya when its cold, they bark!!" chase goes on and on, sitting down in the meeting room as they wait for the others, "they keep ya company, they nip at ya when they're hungry, they...they love you unconditionally...they...won't be taken away from ya," he stops, sniffling. tears forming in his eyes, memories of christmases long gone hitting him. seeing his son and daughter excitedly wake up him and stacey to open gifts. going ice skating. baking cookies.shit."...chase?"chase shakes his head and wipes a tear, "sorry, bro. i...i'm just caught up in my feelings. this time of year and, missing my kids."anti looks down into his coffee cup. damn, chase has been through a lot. he's the only ego who keeps it together -- not like him who just...glitches out at emotions. "...it's fine." anti grumbles under his scarf, "i'm sure this christmas will be...okay.""really?" "...yeah, really. even with that stacey keeping the kids, this christmas will be worthwhile. i mean, we got...decorating and shit to do today. that'll take your mind off it, right?""y-yeah, and the kids are suppose to call after school...and, and stacey's letting me come to their christmas play!! you're right, for once, anti!!" chase smiles and hugs him, anti awkwardly patting back. "okay...hug's been too long, don't push it chase.""sorry."...everyone had called chase a dumbass to give a copy of his apartment keys to anti. everyone had doubted anti would show any spirit in the season. everyone had doubted chase would get anything he really wanted for christmas, even schneeplestein.anti snuck into chase's apartment that christmas eve. chase down for the night in his bedroom. a small 4 foot christmas tree decorated in lights and ordainments in the corner of his living room. a letter from his kids (that anti skimmed through) on the table. "let's prove all those dicks back at hq wrong," he whispers to the bundle in his arms. setting it under the tree. it'd been absolute hell to get anyone to allow him to take home chase's gift. grunting as he sat on the couch and nodded off into sleep. the dalmatian puppy slept too, a red collar around it's neck, tail wagging in its sleep as it was thankful for anti for getting him out of the cold shelter. excited to meet his new master in the cold christmas morning.

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greyias · 7 years ago

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Unsent Correspondence (5/10)

From: Theron Shan Subject: a toasT to uor heAlth

You would think that the shiny new center of civilization in the Galaxy would have a better selection of whisky — but apparently distilling a decent spirit is beneath them and most of the imports are sickly sweet concoctions that have no place near a liquor cabinet. I can see you rolling your eyes right now since you never had much of a taste for whisky — rather you would roll your eyes if they weren’t frozen with the rest of you. You should lighten up, whisky is GREAT and I have a bottle right here to prove it. Got an extra glass too so I’ll just pour you one. I was going to share with Lana but she got all snippy with me, so more for us. Just you and me.

Fair warning if you don’t drink yours by the time I finish mine I might just steal it. So drink up. This is the good stuff.

What are we raising our glass to you ask? Well, I guess you don’t really ask (because you’re frozen), but I’m just going to assume that’s the next part of this imaginary conversation I keep carrying on with you. Whatever — let’s toast everything, it’s a big bottle! The first will be to those brave, enterprising souls daring to smuggle such fine goods right under the nose of Emperor Law and Order. May their escape from this hell hole be as quick as their profits have been.

To this perfect shining city filled with idiots and sycophants, willing to turn a blind eye to the squalor and seediness just below the surface. I mean, Nar Shaddaa doesn’t attempt to hide what it is, it proudly displays its garish corruption in all its bright neon glory! No, it takes a special kind of hypocrisy to claim to be the best at literally everything without even knowing how to properly operate a goddamn carbonite chamber.

To the Emperor Asshole Supreme, who lies to everyone about you and is probably hiding something else. May this city and everything he cares about come crumbling around him in smoking ruins and burning ashes — and then maybe then he’ll know how it feels. Maybe I’ll show him. Like I was going to before Lana derailed that whole plan with this elaborate heist to steal his favorite wall hanging. Just need to find a way into that throne room and I could kill the man that killed you. Somehow. The galaxy would be a better place for it.

Oh, look you didn’t finish your glass. Looks like more for me.

And let’s have a toast to you — the voice in my head that never stopped whispering, even after you were dead. At first I thought you had actually come back, like one of those Force ghosts you told me about — haunting me every step of the way, second-guessing everything I was doing. I wanted to shove it away and hold it close at the same time — but it turns out you weren’t dead at all and I probably just went a little crazy. It couldn’t be grief though because you’re not dead and how can you mourn the living? Maybe I’ll make another toast for that.

To my enduring inability to hit the send button and commit to anything I actually want to say. Because I’ve gotten to used to talking to you when you’re not even here, missing you when you were never even gone. I wanted to move on, but you just wouldn’t leave me alone. Always whispering in my ear when I was about to do something stupid, always staring back at me every time I closed my eyes — I even tried to drown you out with someone else once but I couldn’t even do that because all I could taste was our last kiss. Could never figure out exactly how much whisky it takes to wash that away. Guess I’ll just keep trying.

I need another refill. I told you this was the good stuff, it goes down way too easy.

And finally, to us — the broken us that never should have been. Making promises we could never hope to keep and thinking somehow we could actually save this doomed galaxy together. Except how could we do that when we can’t even talk to each other? You let me think things were okay, but they weren’t, were they? You felt the entire planet of Ziost die and you didn’t tell me. Then you went back there. What the hell were you thinking? What does taking readings of a dead wasteland prove other than you like to torture yourself? Why are you so damn stubborn? Why didn’t you say anything to me on Carrick Station? Did you think that I wouldn’t have stopped wallowing in my own self-pity for a moment to acknowledge your pain? I’m a talented guy, capable of berating myself AND hugging someone else at the same time!

I mean maybe I should have tried calling again, tried your personal holo instead of just the ship’s since your answering service sucks. Maybe I should have written. And maybe I shouldn’t have waited to talk to you in person the next time you came back to Coruscant because you never did come back, you just left that desolate landscape and headed out to Wild Space and straight into your carbonite tomb. And maybe I should have done all that but this is not all on me because maybe you should have said something to me because why did I have to find out from Doc of all people? That you weren’t sleeping because you were having nightmares? That you couldn’t meditate without Kira’s help? He said you acted like you had lost your best friend and damn it you hadn’t — I just needed some time to sort things out but if you had just told me what you were going through I would have gotten on that damn ship with you! Why can’t you just ask for help? Why do you keep everything inside? If you needed me for a moment, a night, or even forever why didn’t you just say so instead of letting me walk out that door thinking everything was okay?

One more glasss left? why the hell not?

I shuold hav known what we hd on Yavin was too good to be true that in teh end it wuold b just like everything else in my life. Bbut i got swept up in yer stuPid naivety leT myself actualLy believe that youd actually keep your woRd ,…i mean its not your fault Not Really. yuU didnt ask to be handedeD tHe responsibilility of an entire damn galaxy or to be zakZAKuuuuls political scapegoat or to be EXECUTED (& yes technically you werentT but thats beside the Point and im sure iVe got a point in here somewhere) & iM pretty sure you didnt ask to be frozen by the most inepT carbonite technicians in the ENTIER DAMN UNIVESRE cuz if U did then we need to talk but i GUess we arenT gonna get that cuZ yOUR GODDamn jailers are idiots & youjre being poisoned by the carbonite and theres no goddamn cure I asked i asked everyone on this planet who knew anything and ivE been trying to fix this and i cANt & you;re going to die

yuo promised you;dd never leave me behind but youre about to do it again and I GOADAJLNFLJHFAOFN AXH60826022 KVSLAMI26!#42 TSOUHSGDNSKDGSOUJLNWLHYSOUHGSGSEGSGS

ERROR Connection to server lost Message not saved

#swtor fanfiction #fanfic #Theron Shan #theron shan x jedi knight #did i mention that theron has unhealthy coping mechanisms?#swtor #greyfic

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dailrpwmf-blog · 5 years ago

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clearsandwicheagle-blog · 6 years ago

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What is the cost of liability insurance on a small business (general/averaged)?

"What is the cost of liability insurance on a small business (general/averaged)?

What is the cost of liability insurance on a small business (general/averaged)?

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://freeinsurancequotes.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr