#did i mention that theron has unhealthy coping mechanisms?

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Unsent Correspondence (5/10)

Title: Unsent Correspondence Fandom: SWTOR Pairing: Theron Shan/f!Jedi Knight Synopsis: Theron hears back about those strange readings. He takes the news well. Warnings: See Part 1. Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Crossposted to AO3 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10

From: Theron Shan Subject: a toasT to uor heAlth

You would think that the shiny new center of civilization in the Galaxy would have a better selection of whisky — but apparently distilling a decent spirit is beneath them and most of the imports are sickly sweet concoctions that have no place near a liquor cabinet. I can see you rolling your eyes right now since you never had much of a taste for whisky — rather you would roll your eyes if they weren’t frozen with the rest of you. You should lighten up, whisky is GREAT and I have a bottle right here to prove it. Got an extra glass too so I’ll just pour you one. I was going to share with Lana but she got all snippy with me, so more for us. Just you and me.

Fair warning if you don’t drink yours by the time I finish mine I might just steal it. So drink up. This is the good stuff.

What are we raising our glass to you ask? Well, I guess you don’t really ask (because you’re frozen), but I’m just going to assume that’s the next part of this imaginary conversation I keep carrying on with you. Whatever — let’s toast everything, it’s a big bottle! The first will be to those brave, enterprising souls daring to smuggle such fine goods right under the nose of Emperor Law and Order. May their escape from this hell hole be as quick as their profits have been.

To this perfect shining city filled with idiots and sycophants, willing to turn a blind eye to the squalor and seediness just below the surface. I mean, Nar Shaddaa doesn’t attempt to hide what it is, it proudly displays its garish corruption in all its bright neon glory! No, it takes a special kind of hypocrisy to claim to be the best at literally everything without even knowing how to properly operate a goddamn carbonite chamber.

To the Emperor Asshole Supreme, who lies to everyone about you and is probably hiding something else. May this city and everything he cares about come crumbling around him in smoking ruins and burning ashes — and then maybe then he’ll know how it feels. Maybe I’ll show him. Like I was going to before Lana derailed that whole plan with this elaborate heist to steal his favorite wall hanging. Just need to find a way into that throne room and I could kill the man that killed you. Somehow. The galaxy would be a better place for it.

Oh, look you didn’t finish your glass. Looks like more for me.

And let’s have a toast to you — the voice in my head that never stopped whispering, even after you were dead. At first I thought you had actually come back, like one of those Force ghosts you told me about — haunting me every step of the way, second-guessing everything I was doing. I wanted to shove it away and hold it close at the same time — but it turns out you weren’t dead at all and I probably just went a little crazy. It couldn’t be grief though because you’re not dead and how can you mourn the living? Maybe I’ll make another toast for that.

To my enduring inability to hit the send button and commit to anything I actually want to say. Because I’ve gotten to used to talking to you when you’re not even here, missing you when you were never even gone.  I wanted to move on, but you just wouldn’t leave me alone. Always whispering in my ear when I was about to do something stupid, always staring back at me every time I closed my eyes — I even tried to drown you out with someone else once but I couldn’t even do that because all I could taste was our last kiss. Could never figure out exactly how much whisky it takes to wash that away. Guess I’ll just keep trying.

I need another refill. I told you this was the good stuff, it goes down way too easy.

And finally, to us — the broken us that never should have been. Making promises we could never hope to keep and thinking somehow we could actually save this doomed galaxy together. Except how could we do that when we can’t even talk to each other? You let me think things were okay, but they weren’t, were they? You felt the entire planet of Ziost die and you didn’t tell me. Then you went back there. What the hell were you thinking? What does taking readings of a dead wasteland prove other than you like to torture yourself? Why are you so damn stubborn? Why didn’t you say anything to me on Carrick Station? Did you think that I wouldn’t have stopped wallowing in my own self-pity for a moment to acknowledge your pain? I’m a talented guy, capable of berating myself AND hugging someone else at the same time!

I mean maybe I should have tried calling again, tried your personal holo instead of just the ship’s since your answering service sucks. Maybe I should have written. And maybe I shouldn’t have waited to talk to you in person the next time you came back to Coruscant because you never did come back, you just left that desolate landscape and headed out to Wild Space and straight into your carbonite tomb. And maybe I should have done all that but this is not all on me because maybe you should have said something to me because why did I have to find out from Doc of all people? That you weren’t sleeping because you were having nightmares? That you couldn’t meditate without Kira’s help? He said you acted like you had lost your best friend and damn it you hadn’t — I just needed some time to sort things out but if you had just told me what you were going through I would have gotten on that damn ship with you! Why can’t you just ask for help? Why do you keep everything inside? If you needed me for a moment, a night, or even forever why didn’t you just say so instead of letting me walk out that door thinking everything was okay?

One more glasss left? why the hell not?

I shuold hav known what we hd on Yavin was too good to be true that in teh end it wuold b just like everything else in my life. Bbut i got swept up in yer stuPid naivety   leT myself actualLy believe that youd actually keep your woRd ,…i mean its not your fault Not Really. yuU didnt ask to    be handedeD tHe responsibilility of an entire damn galaxy or to be zakZAKuuuuls political scapegoat or to be EXECUTED (& yes technically you werentT but thats beside the Point and im sure iVe got a point in here somewhere) & iM pretty sure you didnt ask to be frozen by the most inepT carbonite technicians in the ENTIER DAMN UNIVESRE cuz if U did then we need to talk but i GUess we arenT gonna get that cuZ yOUR GODDamn jailers are idiots & youjre being poisoned by the carbonite and theres no goddamn cure I asked i asked everyone on this planet who knew anything and ivE been trying to fix this and i cANt & you;re going to die

yuo promised you;dd never leave me behind but youre about to do it again and I GOADAJLNFLJHFAOFN AXH60826022 KVSLAMI26!#42 TSOUHSGDNSKDGSOUJLNWLHYSOUHGSGSEGSGS

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