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iconsumeheadcanons · 4 years ago

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persona characters autism headcanons!

hi im autistic and i started my day with sun so now im !!!!!!!!! some of these headcanons are from elsewhere on tumbr, but i dont know where :((( so i am hoping someone out there knows that n that everybody knows that i love them <3

(also go check out mollypaup and i think hypeswap if you havent already! they post some good stuff autism+adhd hc too!!! i think.. oh! and thieves-in-the-palace!!!)

Joker

there was some artwork from someone on tublr..where they pointed out that he doesnt really talk outside the metaverse so--hes hyperverbal as joker and just near nonverbal as akiren

he stims ALL THE TIME. that phone thing, the pencil thing, the little tappy tap of his foot, pulling at his bangs when hes embarrassed/smug. someone get him a fidget spinner. he’ll prob learn to do tricks with it

he probably sucks at focusing in class, like i know its just the game design but hes always surprised out of his daily “star out the window at the nearby office building” when his teachers ask him questions

mona mentions when the pt is at Wilton for the first time (after they run into shido) that joker eats like shit, and that could have multiple causes at the start of the story of course, but when i first played i thought that joker was a picky eater and that the variety (and amount of food) at the buffet would be an Ordeal...

tho mona makes that comment bc joker looked pale after having a little ptsd moment from shidos voice, but i didnt know that the first time i played

maybe when joker makes a face at ryuji putting so much ginger in his gyudon? joker probably does not like pickled ginger lol

his favortive foods are all spicy, which is why the curry he makes for his friends is always ‘overly spicy’, and why kasumi makes him a curry bento and joker kept going “...?” .... “....?!”

overly reflective glasses have been a great plus for him bc now he never has to make real eye contact every again!

mona Soft. play with Ann hair. maybe Braid. nice

puns (Gorou the Goroumet)

he has so many options to be straight up rude sometimes in game. he probably no clue on his own, which is why he defaults to Not Talking. people probably mention his constant scary face, which is just him being nonexpressive, squinting at all the fucking bright lights, and Tired

executive function who? we do everything last minute folks

high pain tolerance, which is why he was the kid that was always climbing trees in elementary school to get basketballs unstuck from the branches

his sixth sense lets him see treasure and possible places to climb/crawl bc 1. Shiny? Steal it. Steal it Now. and 2. Could i fit in that? Time to Find Out

probalby a bit of a klepto too oops. he’ll return it tho!! but he has to do it dramatically or he’ll die

cant sit properly to save his life

smells and touch are Great, they can keep him grounded when his brain goes off to police or dead rivals or guilt or

if a friend hung out with him and gave him total reigns of the agenda, he would choose to nap on the floor while his friend does something off to the side quietly

hyperfocuses on handy tasks (i.e. lockpicks, coffee brewing, cleaning, his part time jobs) and some things like movies and books. everything else is a tossup

his (normal) navigation app is his most used app bc he still doesnt know where hes going, even though he only goes to the same few places in the city

hates being sweaty, literally cannot stand it. probably double exhausted during the summer

but Needs Compression so hes often Struggling

Futaba

paraphrase from p5d “i have no motor skills so i cant play rhythm games :(” need i say more? (i will regardless)

echolalia all the time, from anime, memes, the PT

those headphones she wears all the time? noise cancelling ear protectors babey

only talks about her interests, “normal” talking is Not Easy, but she is still communicative w others despite her worries. shes not “hard to understand” at all but she feels the anxiety nonetheless

only talks informally, cannot talk ‘politely’ with out imitating someone around her

shes had meltdowns and anxiety attacks in game :( i relate so hard

Technology. thats it

def had an egypt phase that pops up every few months. probably came from yu-gi-oh

has Immune to Bright Lights buff. joker is very jealous

“Time to make like a tree and leave!” and 30 other iterations

video game metaphors are the only ones that makes sense to her

probably relates hard to robot characters in anime for their general androgyny and confusion about human emotions and connections

probably gets told that shes “too smart to be on the spectrum” by teachers >:( she fails their classes on purpose

wakaba’s autistic too that just how it is

the Connection that she establishes with Joker is so Warm. my life goals include adopting an older brother like futaba has lsdkfjslkfj

also eater of 5 foods only, i mean, she brings cup ramen to the beach. i just really admire her...

hides in small spaces for comfort

doesnt she have like uhhhhh hyperthymesia or something like that?

Yusuke

art

his entire social link is learning how humans work, which i relate

talks seriously all the time

“sarcasm? who is that? are you saying I was sarcastic?...how?”

cant remember to take care of his body, and madarame did not help with that either

lot of uncomfortable staring, hes overdoing the eye contact thingy

infodumps all the time, doesnt know hes doing it

needs a lot of support even if he doesnt think he deserves it. no one ever complains about helping him out tho

visual stims my friends

he didnt know that you could look up pictures on the internet but he does know you can stream live videos of waterfalls and fluffy animales!!

I am certainly in the mood

for something salty today.

he and joker are scared of math. numbers do not interact

Yusuke, futaba, and akiren are a trio and i know this bc their first day of non-thievery interacts is Akiren clearing Futabas room w/o permission, futaba hyperfocusing on destroying medjed, and yusuke rearranging futabas figurines so they are more visually appealing

morgana is a support friend for all of them bc igor knows they need it

Souji/Yu

yes, he mostly wears gray semi formal clothes bc parents tell him to, no, he will not changes this

Schedule or Death

“sorry, could you repeat that?” “huh? oh yeah, i was saying that--” “yeah that’d be cool.”

cats, fishing, he just likes to be quiet. you can literally spend a day at the beach just to think if you want, and that is what yu want

has a lot of scripts for things (of which he shares with nanako!) but if he runs out he just stops talking..

inaba is a godsend bc its so fucking quiet and warm

he Yearns to hold his friends hands, but he shies away from a lot of touch (excepting yosuke, teddie, and nanako)

Cooking and Cleaning makes the world better. he and joker vibe together with this

unlike akiren, he strong arms any executive dysfunction into Be Productive or Else. his punishment is feeling the pure anxiety of having to make up for ‘lost time’. (another symptom of his workaholic parents)

writes everything down, notes are very neat, has pages dedicated for bad doodles when hes not feeling his usual Super Classroom Focus

Cannot handle secondhand embarrassment (most often caused by yosuke) and will quietly slip away to random cats or origami folding

hungry, crunch crunch folks. probably needs chewelry bc he used to chew on his shirt collars when he was younger.

cleans up after everyone in the food court, constantly worries about them accidently hurting themselves. likely spends half of group conversations watching peoples hands

he canonically eats expired food, nanako plz help your brother

really clumsy, but people only notice after they decide that he is a cool person

video games are too chaotic for him

exhausted every night from the pure amount of masking he does, if a friend spends the night (or is like yosuke) they will know his more comfortable weirdo self (tho everyone knows hes a weirdo eventually)

hyperempathetic, sometimes just understands animals and children better than peeople his age or older

Yukiko

her jokes

she and souji get in ‘trouble’ together, she and joker commit crimes together

she and chie have to coordinate outfits, its important

actually understands metaphors, but does not understand people

like me, had no clue that creepy kid was flirting with her

she is very angry when she has meltdowns that might involve slamming doors and shouting. her parents call these ‘tantrums’ and ‘unfitting for a polite daughter’ but really thats because her meltdowns tend to be caused by arguments w her family after a long day of school and TV world traipsing

the metronome meme, except hers goes between Loudest Person in the Room to Quietest Pin Drop in the Planet. she is completely unaware of this

her atmosphere brightens when chie appears. that is not only the lesbian energy within her, but also because chie is like her Favorite Person

Cannot wear Pants. No (tho she wants to try it! but she puts them on and her soul instantly squashes)

happy flappy lesbian! watch out!

Naoto

the pouty face. all the time lskdfjlasdkf

hes really snappy sometimes and i love that for him. he and akechi should fight just to see what would happen (please read Bang Bang Shoot Shoot on AO3)

“do not touch me or my hat, thank you”

no one has ever seen him shutdown and no one ever will (except for his grandpa)(and kanji)(and rise)

probably likes certain food textures and will stand for nothing less, probably feels embarrassed about his preferences with friends

constantly jumps between ‘everybody hates me so i should act like them so they dont hate me’ to ‘i refuse to be anything but very comfortable as myself, and i dont care that im making you upset sir’

he and souji are the king and queen of subtle stims, but for unhappy reasons :(

does not make jokes. cannot joke around. understand? yes, do? no.

loose clothes are the only good clothes, but all tags and obtrusive seams will be obliterated by kanji tatsumi

not very empathetic so he probably comes off as an asshole to strangers (like when he throws away his classmates confession letters without reading them) but he tries so hard to sound comforting when his buds are struggling.

his understanding of others emotions/reactions come from his learning as a detective, which seems cold+clinical to others, especially compared to souji, whos completely unexpressive but very introverted people person

Hamuko/Minako/Kotone

big personality!! very people-oriented!! koromaru and her are buddies!! when shes having a real bad time, shes very quiet and expressions turn off

interrupts herself in the middle of conversations all the time. no one knows where shes coming from. her brains is thousands of km ahead of her body

bouncey legs, swingin arms, twirlly skirt, little somersaults! when will she stop? never!

very obvious music stims with her hands and arms! people are like “oh there she goes! happy as usual!” shes listening to minatos heavy metal playlist

switches from exhausted to excited within milliseconds. no one can predict, not even her

SEES has to ask her for context all the time cuz she’ll just continue shit from 2 weeks ago without warning

professionals will assume shes very childish bc of how chipper she is, but she is beyond mature for her age and only feels comfortable enough to have serious conversations if a person has proved themself able to handle it

collects every little thing. her room is a mess and she has to get rid of most of it every time she moves :(

hates cleaning! smells bad, feels bad hhhhhgggg

dont let mitsuru-senpai see her bedroom

gets lost in the middle of conversations with others bc shes thinking about a story connected to one(1) word that was said earlier

no sense of time and place, she just sees her friends and goes “ah, this is the right place, then” but junpei and akihiko are also lost so now theyre all screwed

Minato/Makoto/Sakuya

no talkies, no walkies

his story in the movies is him literally learning how to function around people he cares for

doesnt get jokes, expressions, body language, empathy, subtlety, metaphors, physical contact, or eye contact. aigis is probably the only person he truly understands right away

he is still nice to people because he doesnt see a reason not to be, but also he has very limited energy so only his senpai and old people get his most polite-kindnesses

cannot describe feelings for the life of him. the team wont know hes injured or sick until hes passed out

everything is too loud, time to drown it out with my loud ass music

rocking and chewing stims, ryoji is the first person to point him out for these subtle stims (not accusingly of course, just general pure curiosity and love for the uniqueness of humanity)

likes to cover his face with whatever is available, lives like a bat in a dark dry cave

will wear anything that has pockets and his blue/gray/black palette

sleepy at all times bc he never has much energy

when he was younger he probably needed a lot of support, especially after his parents died, because he wouldnt communicate like a neurotypical and would shutdown for hours in the middle of school without warning. probably missed a lot of lessons and field trips out of pure overstimulation

eating at all times. no preference, just whatevers closest

his meltdowns probalby include humming whining noises and curling up in a ball, which makes people want to touch him, but that is the LAST thing he wants. put a blanket on him! play some music! do not talk and do not expect him to speak

aigis is the only person who can touch him normally bc her hands are cold and he likes cold

never nude, feels mmmmmmmmm without clothes and probalby wears a full robe in the hotsprings

will not do things that take more than one step w/o someone else walking him thru it, which Same

#my writing #p3 #p4 #p5 #persona 3 #persona 4 #persona 5 #ren #futaba #souji #hamuko #minato #vibes straight thru the sun #i sincerely hope the read more works #im so srry for grammar problems #i literally cant read rn

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spell-card-fusion · 4 years ago

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Taking Charge

An awful smell hits your nostrils as you make your way through Green Hill Zone; It completely upset what SHOULD be a very pleasant experience of breezing through the forest covered part of your sister’s home.

The smell however is nothing new, so you don’t really notice it. In fact, even if there being a smell at all is kind of upsetting, you are grateful. The pollution isn’t as heavy on these parts of South Island, making it so that the sky is actually blue. All things considered it’s one of the better places to be, so long as you stayed away from the sea and desert areas.

You decided from an early age that you’d be grateful for the small victories, but not complacent enough to accept defeat. Your sister taught you that.

Your twin tails make a pleasant and comforting sound behind you as you propel yourself forward towards her home. You’re hoping to have a good time today, again, you try to value good times when they come.

Your name is Ellie “Tails” Copper (the fox). Even though you are eight years of age it is only today you’ll be visiting your sister’s home for the first time.

You’re sure it’s gonna be a rad time.

You’re checking some info on your Ellie Electric. The Ellie Electric is a recent invention, sort of your attempt at replicating Aunt Sally’s “Nicole”. You’re very proud of it, and basically never leave home without it. You tap the screen a few times checking over the coordinates. You don’t actually need to do this as you have photographic memory, but it eases this annoying feeling of anxiety you have.

Eventually you don’t have to look though. You look up to see...Perhaps the largest plane you have ever seen. This thing is massive!! You doubt it was made for Mobians OR Humans. And you don’t think Seedrians would make something like this either!

Maybe Black Arms? Though the thought of those being here and leaving such a thing behind is concerning to you. You don’t want Mobius to end up like Earth.

Oh! You’ve been spacing out while thinking about all this, trying to work it out in your head, a way too common ocurrance. You really need to stop getting lost in your own thoughts, that’s how he gets you.

You take one last look at your surroundings before you knock the door. No badniks around, but you can still see the ominous tower of Prison Hill at the distance.

You knock on the plane’s door, once. You don’t have time to think about knocking a second time when it opens, just like that.

Standing in front of you, just slightly taller than you is your big sister, Roll The Hedgehog.

She looks great as always. All bright and blue, shooting you a sharp toothed friendly smile. Her quills styled in a mohawk, but kept big and long enough that she can still curl into a ball. She wears green shades on her forehead, a leather jacket with sleeves torn off, and a red running jumpsuit with a stylized symbol of two blue stars. The Freedom Fighter’s Symbol. You wear one too on a pin on your bomber jacket.

“oh slam!! ellie copper coming through!” She says in a fun tone of voice while making way for you to enter her home. You laugh, she always makes this joke but it always gets you anyway. A sister joke. It helps that you love hearing your new name.

“nice one! keep ‘em rolling sis!” You joke back, and she laughs way too loud so you know it gets her. You slap some double fives as you make your way in to keep it cool. She slaps HARD though but you pretend it’s no biggie.

“welcome to the rolling thunder lil’ gal!” The Rolling Thunder being, of course, what she calls her crib.

Honestly you have mixed feelings about the place. The walls are covered in honestly very cool grafitti depicting all manner of radical words such as “Juice” and “Jam”. Stylized pictures of stars, guitars and other cool stuff. But also a graffiti mural of the old Green Hill Zone on one wall.

The place is undeniably messy though, and dark. The lights didn’t work and it was kind of dusty in here. There was furniture, but all the couches were torn no doubt by Roll’s quills, and you knew the fridge and microwave didn’t work. It occurs to you that if Roll wants to shower she likely has to turn to the dirty contaminated Beach water.

It was the reality many Mobians lived, but Roll rarely- if ever complained, not these days anyway.

You notice it actually smells pretty nice in here however, so you can’t complain.

You are snapped from your in depth thoughtstream by Roll snapping her fingers in front of you. To anyone else that might seem rude but you actually really appreciate it.

“oh!! it’s pretty sweet in here- smells pretty nice too!!”

Roll’s grin turns into a soft smile. She closes the door behind her. “yeah it’s from my hangspace- come here i’ll show you! it’s honestly the best part of this place”

She leads you to another room, and a specific seat. Must have been from a lower class section of the plane. She kicks a seat and it opens up to reveal a slide. She waves you over, curling into a ball and letting herself fall. You just decide to slide down instead.

You feel like you should be having more fun with this slide, but honestly? You feel like maybe you outgrew stuff like this. You’re more focused on why there’s an underground base under this crash site at all.

You thankfully don’t have enough time to get lost in your thoughts when you are surprised by all the green you see.

No, not just green. Yellow and Blue and Red and all sorts of colourful plantlife. Grass and flowers everywhere, far underground. The air is free of pollution and honestly it’s a bit overwhelming, in a good way. There’s small lamps everywhere, no doubt charged with battery power that are giving certain plants light. How much would those cost? You know Roll isn’t doing the best money wise.

You put the money concerns aside for now. Aunt Sal drags her enough about that as it is.

“It’s like a little greenhouse!!” You say with some pretty genuine excitement in your voice. You do this just in time to notice the guitar in the corner of the room, which Roll reaches for and starts fiddling with, testing the strings. The guitar looks incredibly worn out.

“it is!!! this is where i like to nap, and jam- these lil’ guys love all kinds of rockin’ tunes, they like to party it up like it’s the new millenium!! i just jump in and start playin’ and these lil’ dudes sway and dance all day. it’s pretty chill”

She then points to the tallest flower in the garden. A blue spiky one.

“I call this one Roll The 2nd. I love her!!” She then points the the SECOND tallest flower, an orange one. “This one is Tails Squared- because you’re a square!”

She jokes while ruffling your hair, you grumble a bit. You don’t actually mind at all though.

“They’re very cool!!! Not many places with clean air in this planet....Hey- Roll?”

“What’s up sis-not-cis?”

“I was wondering if-” You laugh, you just got that. “HANG ON WHAT- SISNOT-” That freaking GOT you. You’re on the grass, laughing. Roll looks pretty smug from up there.

“you good there ellie?” She says, lightly pressing the top of her shoe against your arm in a mock kick. “did you just die from my mondo groucho humour?”

You laugh harder. Eventually you stop and you get up. She looks like she’s queen of the world from how smug she is just for making someone laugh.

“Okay so- so- hang on” You need time to catch your breath “I was wondering if maybe this thing could fly again?”

She shakes her head, once. “Nah! That’d probs give me away to the local Egg Boss. Aint want one of those shellmunchers on my tail, y’know?”

“Oh..”

“Although...” She puts a hand to her chin. “we can’t fly it right now- but getting it flight ready just in case might be a good idea! I’ll have to run it by sal, she’s always ready to fund anything if it gives us a hypothetical advantage, what with the trap cards and mind games and such”

You’re only half listening at that later half because you’re already fiddling with some exposed cables from the wall. Sometimes you just take charge without thinking first, it’s probably a bad ha-

Oh! The lights just turned on!

“OH SLAM!! WHAT?” Roll looks absolutely ecstatic “SIS YOU’RE FREAKING AMAZING-”

Roll cheers and goes on about how she has a fridge and a microwave now. And how much fun you’re gonna have fixing this old place together. Overall you think you did good.

Yeah, this was a fun day. You hope you get days like these more often.

#sth #sonic the hedgehog #miles tails prower #tails the fox #sonic au #trans girl sonic #trans sonic #trans girl tails #trans tails

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calpalirwin · 4 years ago

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Not Gay, but Thanks!

Summary: 2 dads, 4 kids. What could possibly go wrong?

A/N: So I suggested an idea like this to @talkfastromance4 with Cory and Luke and the idea still makes me giggle, so I’m gonna recycle.

Content warning: Mentions of postpartum depression.

Word Count: 3.2k

And away, and away we go!

“Are you okay?” Ashton asked worriedly as he and Vanessa came home from dinner with Finn and Mia. He carefully set down the baby carseats while Vanessa dropped the diaper bag with a huff and face planted into the couch.

“No,” her muffled voice answered, sounding cracked.

“Do you want me to make you a hot chocolate?”

“Yes, please…”

He leaned over the back of the couch to kiss the back of her head. “Okay. Gimme a few minutes.”

He rushed to get the twins settled upstairs, his concern for Vanessa causing his forehead to crease as his eyebrows pulled together. It was like her energy had slowly been draining from her all week, and she’d finally hit her breaking point. He hated it. He clipped the baby monitor to his belt before dashing back downstairs to the kitchen, quickly making them both a cup of hot chocolate goodness.

“Alright,” he said, coming back to her still face planted into the couch. “You wanna sit up so we can talk?”

“I’m just tired…” she deflected, sitting up to make room for him, her fingers curling around the offered mug.

“There’s more to it than that. C’mon, don’t hide from me, please,” he coaxed gently.

“I’m exhausted. I don't sleep because I’m always worried about something. Did I give Mason and Bailey enough of me when they were here? Are the twins okay? Are Mason and Bailey okay? Am I being a good enough mom to all of them? Am I being a good enough wife to you? I can barely focus on anything. I don’t know how I’m gonna pull it together when I go back to work. I’m going fuckin’ nuts. I know if I ask you for a break, I’ll get it. But I don’t want to ask you for a break because what kind of mom wants a break from her children?”

He set his cup down, opening up his arms. “C’mere.”

“What?” she asked in confusion.

“Put the cup down and c’mere.”

She did so, hesitantly, letting him pull her to his chest when she got close. The warmth of his embrace had her bunching the front of his shirt in her hands, and hot tears spilling down her cheeks. “I’m so tired!” she cried.

“Shh, you’re gonna be okay. I got ya.”

“I’m a terrible person!” she continued to wail into him.

“Being overwhelmed, and needing help doesn’t make you a terrible person.”

She pulled back to look up at him incredulously. “You’ve been spending too much time with Finn…”

The pads of his thumbs brushed underneath her eyes, catching the stray tears. “What can I do to help? What am I not doing? Do I need to take more time off? Do we need to get a sitter so we can go out, just me and you? Do you need a day just for yourself?”

“I don’t know…”

“Okay. How about this. I’ll take the twins tomorrow so you can have the house to yourself. You can sleep as much as you want. Maybe go get a massage. Whatever you want. And then I’ll bring home dinner, I’ll put the twins to bed while you eat, and then we can spend the rest of the evening together just us. How’s that sound?”

“Like I’m gonna spend the whole day feeling like shit, and missing you guys…”

“It’s okay to need some time for yourself, baby.”

“I know,” she snapped. “It doesn’t make me feel less like shit, though.”

“I understand that. So what can I do to help you? What am I not doing?”

“It’s not anything you’re doing or not doing, Ash! This isn’t something that can be fixed with a day off, or a night out!”

Ashton’s tongue clicked. “Alright,” he said simply.

She sighed, pressing the palms of her hands into her eyes. “Now I’ve made you mad. Great…”

“You didn’t make me mad.”

“Yes I did. You did that tongue click thing. You always do that when you’re mad, just like Finn pinches his nose.”

“I’m not mad at you, or because of anything you did. I’m mad because I feel useless. I want to help you feel better, and I don’t know how.”

“That makes two of us,” she grinned sarcastically.

“Can I just hold you then? Can you let me do that for us?”

“Please?” she asked, snuggling back into him.

His arms wrapped around her, and his nose buried in her hair. “As long as you need.”

In the morning, Ashton got up with the twins so Vanessa could sleep in. “Hey,” she smiled softly when she finally made her way downstairs, finding him on the living room floor with the babies on a blanket.

“Hey,” he said, rising to his feet to give her a kiss. “How ya feeling?”

“Better.”

“That’s good. There’s breakfast. Want me to make you a plate and get you a cup of coffee?”

“No, I got it.”

“Okay. Got any ideas for what you wanna do today?” he asked, sitting back down while she headed to the kitchen.

She paused in the door frame that separated the kitchen from the living room. “Am I terrible if I want to take you up on your offer of giving me alone time?”

He shook his head. “No, baby. I’m gonna put these guys down for their morning nap, then grab a quick shower. When they’re up, I’ll take them out for the day.”

“Thank you, love.”

“Of course, baby. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

After putting the twins down and before he got in the shower, he shot a quick text to Finn:

Hey, mate. I’m taking the twins out later. Any suggestions on what I can do?

He had a response waiting for him when he got out.

I actually promised the kids I’d take them to the planetarium today if you wanna join us. I think they open at like 10:30.

Yeah, that’d be great! Thanks, mate.

No prob. I’ll send you the details.

~~~

“Papa!” Mason and Bailey said in surprise, running to give Ashton a hug. “Mom?” Mason asked.

“Nope, just me, and Henry and Hope,” Ashton told them.

“Ness sick?” Finn asked, helped unload Ashton’s car.

“Sort of? She’s been in a funk, so I asked her last night if she wanted a day to herself. But she kinda blew up on me for asking. But then earlier when I asked if there was anything she wanted to do today, she brought it up.”

“Shit…” Finn commented, snapping out the double stroller.

“Yeah… I’m a little worried.” Ashton went to set Hope’s baby carrier in the stroller, but the infant’s mouth twisted into a cry. “Oh, okay,” he told her, unbuckling Hope and holding her to him.

“Daddy’s girl, aren’t ya, Hope?” Finn teased lightheartedly.

“Oh, yeah,” Ashton chuckled, reaching into the truck for a baby carrier. “Can you hold her for a sec?”

“Yeah,” Finn nodded, taking Hope. “If you have a spare, I’ll take Henry and we can just leave the stroller here. I can put the diaper bag in Bailey’s stroller.”

Ashton finished buckling the carrier around him, taking back Hope and placing her in it. “Alright! There we go!” he cooed at her before handing a second one to Finn.

“Easier said than done,” Finn told him as he secured Henry to him like Ashton had done with Hope, “but try not to worry too much about Ness. Sounds like she might have a case of postpartum depression. And not gonna lie, that can be a little scary for both of you. But, you seem like you’re on the right track. Just keep reminding her that she has people who support her, and take initiative where you can.”

“Yeah… just wish there was more I could do, ya know?” he asked as they made their way across the parking lot towards the planetarium.

“Yeah, but unfortunately that’s not how depression works. Be great if it did. Be great if you could just be like ‘hey, I know you’re going through it right now, but I’m here for you’ and poof! it goes away. But, that’s not how it works. She’s gotta go through this at her pace, and in her way. Only thing we can do is just be receptive to what her needs are.”

“Yeah, suppose you’re right.”

The planetarium was full of dark exhibits with calm and quiet atmospheres, giving off the impression that you were in the middle of nowhere, just staring up into space. And while there were other families with mostly children of around Mason’s age or older, it still wasn’t that crowded for a Sunday.

They took their time, making their way slowly through a few exhibits, reading each placard aloud for Mason and Bailey who took everything in with wide, childlike wonder. “Dad?” Mason whispered in one of them.

“What’s up, bud?”

I��m hungry.

“Okay. We’re almost done with this room, and then we’ll go get some lunch. Bailey, you getting hungry?”

“Yes!” she answered before something else caught her attention. “Daddy! Papa! Lookit!”

“I see, love, but hey. C’mere a sec.” Finn crouched, beckoning Bailey towards him with a finger. “Remember what I said about using indoor voices? Do you hear how I’m talking?”

“But, Daddy…”

“I know. I know you’re excited. And that’s okay. You can be excited. But we gotta bring the volume down, okay?”

“Kay…”

“Thank you. Now, five more minutes in here, and then lunch. Mase? You hear me? 5 more minutes.”

“Dad,” he answered back, giving a thumbs up.

When the five minutes was up, they made their way to the cafeteria. “Oh, well aren’t you guys just the cutest family!” the clerk cooed, ringing them up. “Enjoy your meal.”

“Thanks,” Ashton and Finn chuckled. “What do you think that was about?” Ashton asked as they took up residence at a table.

Finn shrugged. “Maybe she’s a fan of yours?”

Ashton shook his head, looking around the dining area. “Nah… Something else. People have been staring at us all morning, and not in the ‘oh, famous dude!’ kind of way if that makes sense.”

Finn shrugged again. “Not really, no. But I’ll take your word for it. Might just be people doing that dumb double take of seeing dads actually be dads.”

“That’s closer to it. Yeah, that’s gotta be it.”

They were nearly finished with their meal when two women with two small children between Mason and Bailey’s age approached them. “Hi. We’re so sorry to both you. But we just had to say how great it is to see another gay couple with kids. Did you use the same surrogate for all of them?”

Ashton giggled into his drink while Finn’s eyes went wide. “Oh! Thank you! Truly. But we’re not a couple. Um, he’s actually married to their mom,” Finn explained.

Both women turned bright red. “Oh! We’re so sorry! The older two just look so much like you, and the little ones so much like him. And so much like each other. And we overheard the oldest call you ‘Dad’ and ‘Papa’ and… we are so sorry!” they sputtered quickly.

Ashton shook his head, stifling more giggles. “It’s okay, honestly. Honest mistake. These two are actually his, while these two are mine. And they are all siblings. So it wasn’t too far off the mark.”

“Exactly,” Finn agreed. “No harm, no foul.”

“Well, in that case, it’s great to see such a strong blended family. These are definitely some well-loved kids.”

“Thanks,” both Ashton and Finn grinned. “And it’s great to see a family like yours, too.”

“Thanks,” the woman returned. “Well, again, sorry for bothering you. Enjoy your day.”

“Same to you.”

Ashton broke out in a case of giggles once the other family was out of earshot.

What’s funny? Did those ladies make a joke?

“No, they didn’t make a joke, Mase,” Finn explained. “Those ladies thought Papa and I were gay.”

Gay is two dads and no mom?

“Yep.”

Mason chuckled. That’s silly! I have two dads and two moms.

“We know that. But Momma and Mimi aren’t here with us, so those ladies were working with the information that they had.”

Were those ladies gay?

“Not gay,” Finn started to clarify.

Girl gay. Which word is that?

“Lesbian.” Finn signed the word as he spoke

Lesbian, Mason copied. Is that what those ladies were?

“Yes.”

But they had kids. Don’t you need a mom and a dad to have kids?

“Generally yes. But remember, there are different ways for all sorts of people to have kids. When two mommies have a baby, they get what’s called a donor. When two daddies have a baby, they get what’s called a surrogate.”

I thought it was adoption when they did that.

“Yeah, that happens too. And any type of family can adopt. But when you adopt it means you don’t share any DNA with the baby. And sometimes people like to share DNA with their babies.”

Oh… do we share DNA?

“Yes. Me, you, and Bailey share DNA. And Henry and Hope share DNA with Papa. And you and Bailey share DNA with Henry and Hope through Momma.”

Oh… I have to go to the bathroom.

“Me too…” Bailey announced, wiggling in her seat.

“Alright,” Ashton said, pushing his seat back and rising to his feet. “C’mon. Think they got a family restroom in here?”

“Yeah, I think I saw one near the front. Ready, my love?” Finn asked with a grand gesture of grabbing Ashton’s hand.

“Lead the way, baby,” Ashton winked, laughing. “Nessa’s gonna get a kick out of this when I tell her.”

“Oh, same with Mia. So if you hear laughter, that’s her.”

~~~

“Baby, I’m home,” Ashton announced. “Baby?” he asked when he didn’t spot her on the couch or hear her in the kitchen. “Nessa?!” He took the stairs two at a time, breathing a sigh of relief when he heard music spilling from their bedroom.

He placed the twins on the bed in their carseats before rapping on the bathroom door. “Nessa?”

“In here, love.”

He opened the door, finding her sunk down to her chin in a sea of bubbles, candles casting her in a soft glow. “Hey,” he said softly, leaning against the counter. “How was your day?”

“Good. I made an appointment with a therapist. Took a nap. Baked some cookies. And now I’m in the bath.”

“That’s good, baby.”

“Yeah. Did you bring home dinner?”

“Didn’t have enough hands. I’ll order us something, though. Anything in particular?”

“Mmm… Chinese?”

“Sure thing.”

“How are the twins?”

“They’re good. They’re still in their seats so I should probably go set them free.”

“Yeah. Oh, I made some more bottles. Fridge. Top shelf.”

“Okay. I’ll start their nighttime routine while we wait for the food. Enjoy your bath.” He crossed the room to lean down and press a kiss to her forehead.

“Thank you,” she mouthed.

He kissed her again before going back to the twins, taking them back downstairs. He put them in their boppies, before making the bottles. When he came back, Vanessa was curled up on the couch between them. “Oh, baby, I didn’t mean to rush you.”

“No, no,” she waved her hand. “I wanted to. I missed you guys.”

“We missed you, too.”

“So what did you guys do today?” she asked as they got settled and started feeding the twins.

“I took them to the planetarium with Finn, Mason, and Bailey.”

“Oh yeah! Mase has been wanting to go, and Finn said he would take him.”

“Yeah, they had fun. All of them. We’ll have to make sure to do it again sometime.”

“Yeah, that’d be nice.”

“Oh! So the funniest thing happened when we were there.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, a lesbian couple thought that it was so great to see another gay couple out with their kids.”

Vanessa laughed, and Ashton smiled, not realizing how much he had missed her true laugh over the last few days. “Oh! That’s great!” Her body shook with how hard she was laughing.

Ashton started to laugh with her. “Yeah, it was pretty funny. Kinda left Finn to fend for himself because I was trying not to laugh, but I couldn’t help it.”

“Oh! Those poor women must’ve been so embarrassed!”

“Oh, yeah they definitely were. But it wasn’t a big deal or anything. Just a small misunderstanding.”

“And a funny one at that.”

“Yeah it was great. I can’t wait to tell the guys. Luke’s probably gonna tease me for it. ‘See, Ash! I told ya it was only a matter of time.’”

“Aw, you guys have matching stories now! How cute!” And now Vanessa was laughing for a whole new reason, remembering one of the first stories Ashton had ever told her about how Luke and Cory got mistaken as a gay couple at a pizza parlor with Lily.

Ashton continued to laugh with her. “Fuck, I’ve missed you, baby,” he said suddenly, the words holding lot more power to them than just him having missed her throughout the day.

“I missed you, too.”

“No, I meant… You kinda went away from me there for a while. Scared me a little bit.”

“I know… kinda scared myself too. This is just hitting me a lot harder this time around and I’m not really sure why.”

“That’s okay, baby. That’s why I’m here. I’m not gonna let you do this alone. And I’m never gonna make you feel guilty for needing to take a step back. You gotta take care of yourself first.”

“Thank you. For today. And everything. I know I haven’t been the nicest to you recently. Especially yesterday. I’m sorry.”

“Thank you for not pushing me away this time. And there’s nothing to forgive because there’s nothing to apologize for. You don’t have to be sorry for feeling what you’re feeling. Just keep me in the loop.”

“You’ve definitely been spending way too much time with Finn. Should I be worried?” she teased.

“Oh, baby…” he winced through his teeth, teasing her back. “You haven’t heard? Finn and I are kinda a thing now…”

Vanessa fake-scoffed. “Of all the people you leave me for, you leave me for my ex? The audacity… guess I’ll just have to take Mia then.” Ashton’s eyebrows shot up and she smacked his chest with a laugh. “Oh! Get your mind out of the gutter!”

He raised a hand in defense. “I’m just saying… lil girl on girl action would be pretty fuckin’ hot.”

“Do not sexualize the bis for your twisted fantasies, mister,” she tsked, wagging a finger. “Naughty, naughty.”

“Mhm!” Ashton nodded with a grin. “And what are you gonna do about it?” His question was a hot whisper under her ear.

She shivered, smacking his chest again. “Stop that! Not in front of the babies!” she laughed.

“Guess we better speed up bedtime,” Ashton winked.

Vanessa let out another laugh then sighed. “I can’t, Ash. Six weeks, remember? Next week we can.”

“I know.” He softly kissed repeatedly at her jaw. “Glad you seem to be feeling better though.”

“Me too.”

“You’re amazing, you know that?”

“You’re pretty amazing yourself, love. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

Tag List

@frontmanash @goeatsomelife @flameraine @creator-appreciator @cxddlyash @1-irwin-94 @sparkling-calm @tea4sykes @youngblood199456 @5-seconds-of-obsession @gosh-im-short @aquarius-hood1996 @talkfastromance4 @itjustkindahappenedreally @philthepegacorn @boomerash @teenwolfss24 @karajaynetoday @myfavfanficsever @stormrider505 @cashtonisruiningmylife @another-lonely-heart

#not gay. but thanks!#ashton irwin #ashton irwin fic #ashton&vanessa #ash&mase #mase&bai #henry&hope #5sos #tw: postpartum depression #galcal irwin

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purplesurveys · 4 years ago

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1154

[created by: joybucket]

What was the last thing you ate? We had adobo for dinner. I didn’t find it filling though, so I might get some of my mom’s bread pudding sometime tonight as a midnight snack.

What is one thing you're a hoarder of? Receipts, for no reason whatsoever other than the frequent nagging feeling at the back of my head telling me I might need to pull out a certain receipt one of these days just in case I get into any issues, so I end up keeping all of them.

Do you collect magazine clippings? No. I used to but they’re all gone now.

What rating do you normally give surveys? I just take them on here. I visit Bzoink pretty often but I never made an account so I haven’t been able to rate the surveys I’ve taken.

Name someone you wish acted the way he/she used to. I wanna say Gab, but she’s better off figuring out who she wants to be and is meant to be for now. Otherwise, I don’t really have an answer to this; all the people I know are pretty dang fantastic.

Have you ever worked in food service? No.

What was your favorite job that you've had? I’ve only had one job, and I definitely can’t complain about it.

Does your stomach hurt currently? Nope. I’m actually on day 2 of my period, but fortunately the pain really ever only takes place on day 1 for me. The rest of my period usually goes smoothly.

What's one medication condition that you have? I don’t have any. I have one medical condition – scoliosis – but I don’t take any medication for it.

Do you forget passwords a lot? LOL yessssss, because websites have varying rules on what they can count as a password – some want 8 characters, some want 12, some want upper case letters, some want a symbol; so even though I use the same password for everything I typically have to make 84954983573475 variations of them anyway that I end up forgetting.

What is the most you've ever weighed? Not sure, maybe a little over 100 lbs.

Do you plan your wedding on Pinterest? No, I never understood how Pinterest worked :/ I lasted all of 5 minutes on there until I felt bored.

Would you want your first child to be a girl or a boy? I’d love a girl.

Who are the cutest babies on Facebook? The Song triplets will always be babies to me, no matter how big they get.

Do you refer to coral as pink, orange, salmon, or coral? Those are four different colors/shades that you’ve just named right there.... < Lmaooooooo same thoughts. I would just call it coral because that’s what it is.

Name someone whom you wish would apologize to you. I have a name in mind and you guys already know who it is. I’m at peace regardless if I get an apology or not (I definitely won’t), though – and I count that as a win. It’s absolutely batshit insane that I never heard one apology but instead got a million “Can’t you give me credit for trying?” I can’t help but chuckle every time I take myself back to those moments. Thankful I got out of there :)

Do you own a record player? I don’t, but I’d love to have one.

Do you have many regrets? No.

Do you wish your regrets would stop coming back to haunt you? I don’t have a lot of them, so I don’t let them bother me to begin with.

Have you had any regrets in the past week? Can’t say I’ve had any.

What do you not know how to say no to? Requests/favors. I’m a people pleaser through and through.

Have you ever been mad at God? Yup, that’s why I let go of religion at a very young age. I was going through shit no kid should’ve been going through and the idea that some deity is making it happen because it was supposed to encourage me have more faith was utterly stupid. I had no problem disowning whatever god I was desperately trying to latch on to by the time I was 10.

If you don't have a car, do you feel like you're missing out? I have a car. I don’t own it, but it was designated for me.

What is your favorite cousin's name? Jereth. I keep forgetting where they got his name from, but it was from like a German movie or something like that.

Who do you wish were your best friend? Hayley Williams.

Would you ever consider moving to L.A.? Never. Just never seemed like my kind of city. Not to mention the amount of Asian/Asian-American hate crimes I’ve been hearing about recently. The US is undeniably out of my list of places I’d want to step foot in, much less live in.

List 5 other names that start with the same letter of your name. Rhiannon, Riley, Rocky, Rachel, and Russell.

Have you ever known anyone who's name started with a "Y"? Yes, I went to college with a girl named Yumi. Yanna is also still a good friend of mine and we catch up every once in a while.

^If yes, what was it? Oops, mentioned them already. There are also a couple more Y people I know but I’m not close to them nor are we in the same social groups, so idk how to classify them.

Did you hear laurel or yanny? It’s been a while since I let myself get carried away by that ~meme, but I think I heard yanny.

Owls or penguins? Penguins. But owls are great too.

What is your go-to comfort food? Probably something with grease that is fried. < This is an awesome answer. Right now though, I’ve been frequently getting spicy tuna salad every Friday to reward myself after a work week.

What is the best coffee shop in your town? Tim Hortons. < Tim Hortons is greeeeaaaat, but all the branches are in Metro Manila and not at all near me :( That said, my pick would probs be Starbucks. There’s a new local coffee shop where I live called Ghost Coffee and I had been meaning to check it out, but quarantine part two happened.

Do you prefer Pinterest or Tumblr? Tumblr, but then again don’t they have different features and purposes?

Do you think blonde is the best hair color? No.

In your opinion, what is the best hair color? I don’t think that there really is a “best” hair color... < Same. Tbh I’ve noticed that I only ever get attracted to brunettes, but I don’t think that necessarily makes it the best hair color.

If applicable, what is the name of your YouTube channel? I think it’s just my name since my account is linked to my Google.

Do you wear glasses? Yes, but I haven’t worn mine in a while since one of the legs snapped. I’ve been managing well without it, but I plan on getting a new pair soon. At least as soon as I grow the pussy to book an appointment HAHA

What's one nickname you have? Leigh calls me Robs. It’s not my favorite, but Leigh is like a sister to me so she’s the only person permitted to call me such.

What's one thing you miss? Being in crowded places and living in those moments.

Do you have a favorite spot in church? I hate being at a church; but to answer this, my very enthusiastic mom used to always pick the very front and center row for our family to sit at, so you can imagine how glad I am not to have to do this anymore because of Covid :)))

Who was the biggest bully in your high school? Bullies stopped being a thing in high school. All the friend groups just minded their own business for the most part, ours included.

Which news story has still stuck with you years later, and why? Manila hostage crisis. It was really scary and the fact that the entire thing was being streamed live on the evening news at a time when livestreaming was still a fairly unfamiliar concept made it even more unsettling.

Have you ever REALLY had a celebrity crush? On Kristen Stewart and Kate Winslet, yep. These days my eyes are on Kim Seon Ho hahaha, and I also feel a future crush on BTS’ Jungkook coming through.

Did you ever have to wear a school uniform? From preschool to high school. Didn’t have to anymore once I started college.

Do you collect washi tape? No. I neverrrrrrr saw the big deal, but then again I’m probably just not craftsy enough to see the point lmao.

Tell me something random that happened to you today. I took an afternoon nap for the first time in many months, and I woke up feeling completely disheveled and confused about the day and time. It’s been a while since I got that sensation and I did not miss it.

If you're a girl, are you on your period? I am, actually.

Are there any balloons in the room you're in right now? Yeah, the balloons we had set up for my dad for his 50th birthday celebration are surprisingly still alive. We originally had them in our accommodation in Tagaytay, but we brought the balloons home and put them up on the 2nd floor corridor, and they’re still all up there.

Do you have the windows open? I do, because the wind is actually pretty chilly tonight. I’m even wearing a hoodie in freaking April, which never happens.

What's one good name for a new puppy? Depends on their personality. It took hours for us to name Cooper, so it wouldn’t be easy to think of a name for a puppy I’ve never even met.

Would you collect antiques if you were rich? Depends on what kind, but yeah, I might consider it.

Did you dream last night? Yes.

Do you forget dreams or remember them? (or do you not dream?) I remember them in the first few minutes of waking up, but my memories of them gradually fizzle out throughout the day.

What color is your phone? Black.

Do you often have your phone on vibrate? Yes, because I often have meetings and it’s a big nuisance whenever there’s a ringtone that chimes in the middle of one.

Name something that gives you headaches. Working in front of the laptop for too long.

Do you have a secret hiding spot? My car, sometimes.

Have you ever lived in a place that had a secret passageway? Nope.

Did you play with legos as a kid? Yes, but I was never too imaginative for it. I just liked making tall towers and then dismantling them right after.

If applicable, what color is the rim of your bedroom mirror? White.

Can you be scatterbrained? Sure.

#survey #surveys

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thekingsparty · 4 years ago

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//ahhh i was gonna be here, but last night i got a mega headache and while the headache was decent by the time i reblogged the memes, i underestimated the intensity of it on my eyes. typing this is v slow lol. i’ll love on y’all properly tomorrow unless my boy’s condition changes.. then no promises. but honestly, i think he’ll be fine tomorrow as he was before we dragged him through the city to be poked and prodded.. >_>

also i did not forget the starter calls. i will work on those this week and try get some drafts done too once i posted some of the memes. thanks a lot for sending them in guys <3 y’all rock tbh. thx for the patience.

lil cat update under the cut again for those who care.

after a day of worrying, today was really really good. i needed this. taigi was fine today, no throwing up, no weird behavior. saturday started fine, but around noon taigi threw up his entire food even the treats he takes the meds with. it didn’t have a good color and after that he behaved strangely. he hid under my bed and refused to come out for most of the day, katzi came watching him, which she never does, which worried me a lot. my tries to get him out were unsuccessful. i had to drag him out to check on him at least once. he threw up everything he ate and he didn’t drink until late evening. he refused to eat at some point too and even ignored treats. try and get your furchild to take meds if he refuses to eat anything. mom managed it tho. idk what it is but she has something about her that makes animals love her. it’s unfair af, cause they’re my furkids and i feed and care for them, but they love her more than me. so rude.

aaanyway, taigi woke me early today and demanded food. he loudly complained (as usual) that it took me long, but he ate. only a little as i wanted to go easy on his tummy after yday. he even visited us during breakfast to demand human food and pets and every few hours he’d get up from his fav spot to get some pets and food to then return to his sleeping place. he even jumped on and off a table. i think yesterday was a combination of stress (during the week), new meds and new food. it all upset his tummy. if you read about it, all.3 are valid reasons for cats to throw up.

last night was the first night i actually slept. not as much as i probs should’ve buuuuut i slept. went to bed with a blinding headache and woke with it to feed cats. tried to sleep again but couldn’t. nap didn’t help either, buuuut an insanely big dose of ibuprofen did lol. i think it did anyway.. given how bad my eyes deal with light and screens rn and the fact every scent in the room kills me it might be migraine. no clue tbh. but i think sleep will help with the eyes. i just got on here after feeding taigi again to post this and now i’m gonna go pass out.

thanks to those who read this <3 y’all are fab.

#out of collars ( ooc )

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sparklyicecube · 5 years ago

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The Dream Chapter Theories

Listen up moas, these are my theories for The Dream Chapter, miscellaneous format as usual, TDC:Magic is coming out in 5, 4, 3 hours now and I just want to get all this stuff out in the open. Leggo

I don’t know whether Run Away is going to be TU related because Crown wasn’t but Run Away seems to be so much more plot-driven than Crown?? I will assume so ish for some of the theories, let’s get into it.

1) Soobin and these glasses??? I know that people talk about him being a really powerful magician and stuff for doing non-verbal magic without a wand but just look:

He is obviously possessed/ in a trance, his head tilt + his hand in pocket like he doesn’t usually do is just all signaling that he isn’t himself

Side tangent, he prob fell behind the others because he was slow then tried to find them and came into the classroom, but was the glasses calling to him? Did he know about the glasses and was curious about it’s powers? Did he just think it was fun to randomly put on the glasses? So many questions. The glasses look lame tho haha

2) Taehyun. This is crossing over more to the Dream Chapter Star and Nap of Star specifically.

His eye. Does it not work unless he uses that weird device? Can that eye see more? Can that eye see more weirder things????

It also isn’t any star in his eye, it is the Star. With a capital S. He is related to it in some way. Taehyun is also the only one seeming to be looking for something. He is actively looking.

Another side tangent not side tangent, the Star.

Is the Star powered on their promises? Is there someone behind the Star, helping it work? Like I theorised before, it is obviously mechanical, which I connected to Hueningkai but it is very very connected to Taehyun too, that eye is not a coincidence. There are no coincidences in BigHIt. Plus he looks us in the eye soooo much. Theories:

- Taehyun is the person in the Star, plausible but not really since the Star starts and stops while he isn’t there, but is the starting point for my other two theories

- Taehyun is related to the person in the Star, and is looking for his friends so that the Star can be fixed, or for the person in the Star. He was born with the weird eye.

- Taehyun is an explorer/related to an explorer and was tasked by the person in the Star to either find his friends or get a way for the Star to work again, he is given this eye to achieve this task

I’m not very sure whether there even is a person in the Star and this is definetly one of my crazier ideas but this just proves how I am going to upload all my theories on the slim off-chance I can scream “HAH!” later.

3) This theory is based on the idea that all of them are in a metaphorical place, an outcast group, being bullied for being different as shown in Nap Of Star, this theory crosses into the intro films even so this isn’t directly TU related. No particular order.

Beomgyu:

He hates being in this place, he pities himself, he’s probably had expiriences like Yeonjun’s in Nap of Star

But he isn’t looking at ways to get out, he is staying here, not satisfied or accepting, but just making no move to do anything different.

Soobin:

He doesn’t like being in the ‘place’ either but he is more accepting of it. We see it even in his intro film.

I binge-watched all of them just now and in his, he has this feeling of “you’re here, today is going to be a good day” but doesn’t expect it. He is lonely, and wants friends. He doesn’t like it. But unlike Beomgyu Soobin just accepts it, he acknowledges it and lives with it, and is happy if he has friends but doesn’t dwell on it.

Yeonjun:

Nap of Star was indisputably Yeonjun’s story, and we see he hates it, but we also see that his story is him running away because of what he thinks will happen, he also isn’t looking around. He is scared, he is running, but running away from it is not running away from the ‘place’, he is just trying to live with it. And I think he will accept being in the place, especially with all of his friends there.

Hueningkai:

Hueningkai’s is very interesting, I made a theory on his place in Nap of Star and the discrimination he feels but on how he fits into this.

Hueningkai isn’t even trying, he acts like he is but he isn’t. He doesn’t want to get out of the ‘place’ and he put himself there in the first place. Like I theorised before, we all know about his wings. They are obviously fake, worn, and seem like they are crafted to be able to fit in with them, with friends and with this community so that he has a place in the world and is allowed to be there. As he is half-korean he might feel like he doesn’t fit in anywhere, and he could’ve gone anywhere to debut, but he came here. He wants to associate with them. Though he might be judged or teased or attacked he would rather be here in this ‘place’ and therefore makes no effort to escape.

Side note: HUENINGKAI IS AN AMAZING PERSON ALL THOSE ANTIS ARE JUST JEALOUS THEY AREN’T AMAZINGLY HOT, CUTE, SEXY AND CAN SING DANCE AND PRODUCE AS WELL AS THIS INTERCULTURAL MULTI-TALENTED KING

Taehyun:

Taehyun is the only one looking for a way out.

He is the only one who is actively trying to break out of this ‘place’ and makes an effort to try and get out. He is actively looking, he doesn’t like this place but he is not just going to sit there, and that makes a difference, because everyone else has sort of accepted it. And now that they have each other they will not try to break out, being complacent, but Taehyun is taking a different route.

Taehyun and Hueningkai are the only ones looking here, the others are peeking, scared of being caught, just glancing, Yeonjun is only looking up slightly (I would use Soobin as an example but he isn’t even breaking a sweat to look over the fence he is that tall). Taehyun is, of course, actively trying to move forward, to find a way through, a way out, Hueningkai seems to not be as scared. Not sure where it is going but I want this to be noted.

5)Can’t we keep the monster alive

So this one isn’t relating to Run Away, we will prob not get the answer today, but I feel it will play a role in TU. It is probably relating to “the boy who grew horns on his head” and how he is a ‘monster’ but is that a bad thing. I think/hope it is related to bullying and how they wish people would go easy on others for being different. Not a complete theory but whelp.

6) Magic Island

Okay I have litterally nothing for this one other than the fact that Nap of Star had “star’ in it and Magic Island has ‘magic’ in it, this could also be a TU related song. Probably not going to have answers for this either.

7) The Dream Chapter

- The Dream Chapter Star focused on Yeonjun so either age order or introduction film order The Dream Chapter Magic is probably going to focus on Soobin and his journey, not quite sure though.

- They already said that TDC:Star was about them finding each other and TDC:Magic was their journey but what does that mean for TU? It means 1. that we will see more interaction in the next TU related mv, and 2. that we could potentially see them fighting stuff more. TDC:Star was what they thought they might face and running away from it, but TDC:Magic is where they face it and they face it together.

8) Eye contact

In Nap of Star, Taehyun and Hueningkai looked into the camera, knowingly. That says something, related to theory 4) but also doesn’t know how this is significant. It is important but idk how. in the trailer Yeonjun and Taehyun look at the camera in the same way, Hueningkai doesn’t.

That was it! If you are reading this… wow you are committed, but otherwise stream Crown and Run Away when it comes out. I will post another post of theories and theories debunked when The Dream Chapter: Magic comes out!

#tomorrow by together #beomgyu #taehyun #soobin #hueningkai #yeonjun #kang taehyun #choi soobin #choi beomgyu #choi yeonjun #txt #tomorrow x together #sparklyicecube rants about txt #the dream chapter: star #the dream chapter magic

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confusedinfj · 6 years ago

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How to tell what your *ntp is feeling... And help?

AKA: how to *nfj *ntps

Because I saw some asks on other blogs about this and wanted to try haha.

Edit: This seems to apply to all tps actually 😂

Starting

Check facial expression.

If forlorn and pale, *ntp is sad and PROBABLY DOESN'T KNOW WHY. Go to unknown feeling steps.

If angry, *ntp knows why their mad. If they're refusing to tell you, they're mad at you. Go to angry steps.

If happy, your *ntp will look calm and mildly oblivious. Don't attempt emotional counselling or you will produce angry *ntp.

If some other complex feeling, they will say 'Idk'. Go to unknown feeling steps.

If sad for known reason, you should probably know why too. If you don't, ask them and they'll just tell you. If they refuse to tell you they're now angry with you for not knowing. Go to angry steps.

If you know what they're feeling and they need cheering up for any reason, go to cheering up steps.

If *ntp is crying, go to EMERGENCY RESET steps. Sit tight.

A few tips

Be warm. *ntps respond well to genuine warmth and concern.

Speak softly. Everyone responds fell to this, but especially stressed Nps.

Be direct. *ntps don't wanna go to magic emotional fairy land, weirdos.

Be subtle. *ntps recoil if they sense you think you're better than them, so if you tho k you're gonna go in their and save the *ntp, you better pretend you don't think that.

Remember, *ntps have Ti. You can approach this problem and fix it through breaching their low Fe through Ti. Try talking about feelings as thoughts - they're basically the same thing anyway.

Try to use Fe or even Te to pull this off.

Vibes.

Eye contact.

Physical contact. Actually gives away some important clues...

Pauses. Very important to let the *ntp think.

Know when to stop pushing. It's usually when the *ntp shows all body language signs of pulling and looking away. Just give then a hug, say you love them or whatever, and leave them be for a while before trying again.

Unknown Feelings

Sit down calmly next to *ntp and look them in the eyes, study them for a few seconds. They will probably look at you with amused concern.

Ask them what's wrong outright, or if they're okay. They'll say 'Idk' or equivalent vague answer. Mbs even 'I'm fine' or 'nothing's wrong' while avoiding eye contact or looking depressed.

Touch them gently if that's normal for y'all. If they pull away you have a grumpy *ntp who probs needs you to step it up a notch. If they pull away at this point it doesn't necessarily mean they don't want to talk.

Just frown and say something like 'you don't seem fine'. After a pause, if they don't suggest something, make your own suggestion.

'Are you upset with me because of this thing I did today?' is a good place to start. *ntp will probs want to clear up if they're upset with you, so will be like 'nah, it's just this other thing.' Alternatively, they'll say 'I tho k I might be', in which case you can talk about that like normal. Good job for finding out!

If it's something else they're not specifying, remember: you don't always need to know everything. So your next question isn't for details, it's just: 'would you like to talk about it?' with an additional 'can I help?'

Here I must mildly split the types. From experience, the intp will neither talk nor ask for help, and they won't appear to have changed either, even if their vibe is a bit better to you. But when they're feeling a little better they'll be really appreciative and soft to you, so it's not useless. Just try to make life quiet and easier for them. Also from experience, the entp might want to talk or have help, or they might just start crying or something. It's pretty easy to walk them through from there but...

Avoid bailing the entp out completely. K, if an intp is crying and asking for help, do it. It's weird, they defs need it (Si grips are mainly an entp thing tbh). If an entp is doing it... Help them fix the problem themselves, because otherwise they'll hate you for it later. Entps can make their own chaos, but they don't like being treated like babies. This means you

Look into the entp's eyes and - being pretty harsh tbh - tell them to stop crying and outline what they should do. Then you leave them with a hug or whatever and they're usually all good. This does not apply to deaths and stuff like that. Be normal here 😂

Congratulations! You have worked out your *ntps feelings and have hopefully helped a little. Hopefully they're not in a grip and it's all over now.

Angry

If your *ntp is mad at you, they'll look mad and quiet and won't be telling you why. Here's how to work this out.

Calmly say, 'I know you're mad at me. Why?' if they don't respond, propose something. That'll usually get them going. 'NO, IT'S BECAUSE YOU DID THIS!' You're in pretty hot water if they're still not responding after this bait.

Explain how you can't fix the problem if they don't tell you.

Try to go back to before they got angry and try to view things from their perspective - it's possible they're in a paranoid Ne-Fe loop and have completely misinterpreted something you did. This is more likely to be the entp's problem. It's also possible you offended their Ti by disagreeing with them or telling them what to do.

Say what your conclusions are and clarify your intentions. 'I didn't tell you how to boil water because I think you're an idiot, I did it because I really like that pot - it was a gift from my deceased mother - and I really didn't want the pot to burn. I'm sorry if I sounded condescending'.

This will usually soften your Ti offended *ntp, so good job on fixing the problem! But what if this doesn't seem to be the problem, and nothing changes? Now assume a Ne-Fe loop. This becomes a long term problem, but to confirm, here we go.

Basically, you have to stop digging for the reason they're mad at you and briefly affirm you love them or whatever. This won't help if the *ntp is in a loop, because they become extremely paranoid. You're almost certainly not going to fix this problem in one sitting. Go google the loop problem later and enjoy your new paranoid *ntp.

Cheering up

This advice is generic, use some discretion obvs

Do something with the *ntp. Like, take them out. This triggers their Ne, they love it. But them a drink or something to eat while you're out. This will usually work immediately.

Try discussing something with them. Might not work if they're really flat.

Watch TV or a movie with them. They like tech tbh

Feed them. Usually works, unless your cooking sucks.

Hug them. *ntps only pretend to hate this. Only works if you're close obvs.

Yell at them to snap out of it and cheer up. Extreme, but often works for entps who are in self pitying Fi Trickster moods. Don't actually tell btw. Just remind them pity parties are pointless and illogical.

Compliment the *ntp, or do something thoughtful like writing them a letter. Always be genuine!

Give the *ntp a project. Not a chore. Ask them to build an Ikea thing or something haha.

Only leave the *ntp alone once these steps have failed. No matter how many times they ask, if you can get them to do any of those things with you, they secretly want to be fixed. If they absolutely refuse to do any of those things, leave them alone and be quiet. They'll come out when they're ready. And don't finish with step 6. Then they'll think you're mean and angry at them. Always compliment sandwich 6.

If your entp (specifically) refuses to cheer up after an extended period of time, they might be using Fi Trickster... Or they could be legit depressed, try to know the signs. If they're not actually depressed, you can go on and compliment sandwich 6 again, a little harsher this time. If you trigger a Si crying melt down you fixed them, good job 👏 Otherwise, send your little entp to the doctor 😷

If your intp (specifically) refuses to cheer up after an extended period of time, they could be in Fi Demon and are likely depressed. If you can't get them to the doctor cos they're being stubborn, you can follow internet suggestions and try fostering their low Fe - it'll help get them out of Fi if they're not actually depressed. This means basically treating them like a soft little *nfj baby for an extended period of time.

Emergency Reset

You'll know if you need to do this when either *ntp is SPONTANEOUSLY crying or when intp is looking wide eyes like they're crying on the inside. This is a severe Si grip and they're basically completely overwhelmed. Tl;dr = trigger Ne, but handle Si first.

Sit down, hold *ntps hands if you can and look into their eyes. Ask them what's wrong and if you can help. Follow through with these steps in addition to anything they say 🙃

Check your *ntps vital Si signs - make sure they've been eating and drinking. Force them to take a food and drink break if they haven't. Encourage them to take a power nap. Encourage them to take a 10 minute walk. Encourage them to shower and get cosy if it's later in the day (which it usually is tbh).

Give the *ntp a game plan. For example, if your entp has left some project till the last minute, help them organise the steps they need to get through to complete the task.

Ask the *ntp if they'd like you to do some of their work while they Si recharge (walk, eat, nap, etc). Don't do too much, or they'll be Ti offended.

After the Si recharge, encourage the *ntp to decrease their work load. Think outside the box about ways they can do this - it triggers their Ne and makes them feel back in control of life. 😊

Basically, mildly parent your *ntp for about an hour and they'll perk up. This works every time, because *ntps in grips or loops don't have melt downs this obvious 😂

#emotional support #enfj #infj #entp #intp #mbti #fun type posts #fun functions #cognitive functions #how to help entps #how to help intps #Estp #Istp #How to help estps #How to help istps

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itakesurveys · 5 years ago

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Survey 277

What do you believe happens to us after death? hmmm... i guess i’ll pass and watch over my loved ones? or, maybe we all just turn into energy. if so, i’ll be a floating ball of positive energy and try and uplift as many people as possible.

Have you ever cheated on someone? nope.

What are your plans for this weekend? just chill with the boy & pack a little. i’m moving soon! yay!

Does the thought of growing old frighten you? yes............i turn 30 this coming year. #puke

What is the best movie you’ve ever seen? Titanic, Enough, The Danish Girl, Bridesmaids, Anastasia, Resident Evil.

Have you ever hurt someone for your own entertainment? no. that’s dumb.

What is your favorite song of all time? oh my..... (this is a great survey btw) hmm.. Fast Car by Tracy Chapman

Has anyone you’ve known died on a holiday? no. that’s terrible. but i was super upset when i found out George Michael passed on Christmas few years back.

If you could write a book, what would it be about? hmmmm... i use to work for a hair salon and it was like legit like the movie Devil Wears Prada. i could totally take that experience and make it into a great movie/book.

Do you think most people understand you? nah, probably not. who i am and who people think or want me to be are very different. i’m very low maintenance and chill and not competitive in the least bit. I feel like in this world of constantly trying to outshine the person next to us “more likes, more money, happier, funnier” i just can’t be bothered. comes off not as if i’m not interested but in reality i just want the basic things. lets hang out and just talk and chill with a cup of tea. life should be basic and easy. this dog eat dog world isn’t for me. ..... Jesus i’m such a Pisces and this rant has nothing to do with the question anymore. HA NEXT >>

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? I would love to change my lack of motivation.

What are some lyrics that speak to your soul? hm. *thinking*

Are you in love with anyone at the moment? yes, my boyfriend & i have been together for 10 years.

Have you ever been in love with more than one person at the same time? nah. i don’t think that’s real.

What is your favorite time of year? hmmm. fall .

What is your ideal first date? ideal first date; (i’m going to pretend this is like a game show) ha, “Hi, my name is joshua and my idea of a perfect first date is... a guy picking me up at my house, he comes 5 minutes early. tells me i look pretty, takes me out to dinner, we date desert home with us. we cuddle up, watch a movie.”

What is the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to you? hmmm.. not sure the sweetest thing of all time but this week this stuck out to me; i was at work and this older sweet asian woman came into my work. i helped assist her like i do any other customer and before she left she told me “ i just want to tell you that you are extremely sweet and kind and i want to thank you because this is my 3rd business i have came to today and you were the first to make me feel comfortable and didn’t talk down to me and all the previous places where rude to me because of my broken english or think i don’t know what i’m talking about. more people should be like you, thank you so much, god bless *shook my hand*” ---- it made me feel so special and made me realize how little things can make such a huge impact on people. :)

Do you have any taboo fetishes or preferences? probs.

What is the thing you are most ashamed of? hmmm.

What is the emotion you seem to feel most strongly? not that it’s good but when i get put down by someone it makes me a while to build up. not sure what that emotion is but it’s powerful and hard to explain.

Do you think of yourself as a unique person? extremely. i don’t think i have much in common with many guys gay or straight. i’m too sensitive and gravitate toward woman friendships.

What is a movie from childhood that you loved? i love, the little mermiad.

Are you afraid of death? isn’t everyone afraid of the unknown?

What are your top three biggest fears, actually? hmmm. i guess driving is one since i don’t drive, very strong powerful men freak me out.. it’s odd i get very uncomfortable around specific type of guys, and holding hands with my boyfriend in public.

Do you have an accent of any kind? i don’t think i have one but to other people i might have a slight accent because i’m from the boston area.

What do you want to be remembered for? being a good person, happy.

What is your favorite number? 3.

Do you have a favorite television show? If so, what is it? hmmm.. soo many. i watch too much tv. but i did love game of thrones.

Are you currently sad about anything? not currently.

What was your first job? i babysat all through high school and first job was at sears.

And what job do you have now? i work for a glass contracting company. i work at front desk.

Have you ever changed your spiritual beliefs? i feel i’m constantly changing. so yes.

What is your favorite alcoholic drink? i’m easy, vodka & soda with ALL THE LIMES.

Do you ever talk to yourself? in the shower.

Have you ever cried yourself to sleep in your adult life? dah. a lot. again i’m sensitive. (after this survey i don’t seem like a fun person haha)

What do you think is the meanest thing you’ve ever said to someone? that i hate them.

How do you celebrate your favorite holiday? with family & friends. your average get together :)

Do you have a favorite book? If so, how many times have you read it? hmmm.. i don’t think i have one and i don’t read as much as i should. when i do read i only read like memoirs.

Do you have any teachers from the past who inspired you? yeah like 2.

Do you prefer sad or happy music? depends on mood. dah.

Speaking of which, what is your favorite genre? pop. dah x 3456

What is your best talent? i’m good with social media shittt. lol i run like 6 peoples Facebook business pages ha.

Have you ever wished you were from another country? i use to pretend i had a twin in London like Lindsay Lohan in the movie The Parent Trap.

What are you thinking about currently? how my back hurts.

What is the closest red thing to your body? i’m currently wearing a maroon hoodie. if that counts.

What is a subject that makes you uncomfortable to speak about? hmmmm. family problems. i grew up you don’t talk about family matters with people.

What is your favorite clothing store to shop at? marshalls.

Do you have anything you are extremely particular about? hmmm. nah.

Have you ever seen the ocean? dah, lol. as a kid i during the summer from the age of 8-17 my nana would bring me to the beach every Wednesday.

What is your most fond memory of your current S.O, if applicable? a lot of them. dah. mostly about family.

Do you find yourself confused often? yes. constant.

What is your dream career? YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

What was the best time of your life? hmmm.. i miss when things were easier. Have you ever been on a cruise? never.

Do you miss any of your exes? no no no.

Who would you like to say something to? no one. i’m good.

Are you religious? meh.

Do you think you are attractive? when i try.

How many people have you slept with? one.

Do you consider yourself a catch? yes.

Do you enjoy naps? i would sleep everyday all day if i could.

What kind of sauce do you eat your chicken nuggets with? ALLL THE SAUCES.

Are you happy? yeah. as happy as an average person can be.

What do you think you could do to improve your life? many many things, my self confidence, i need to learn to not run from conflict. i tend to apologize just to avoid confidence. i shouldn’t have to be the one who always feels like they are wrong when deep down i don’t feel i am.

#survey #surveys #questions

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pooklet · 6 years ago

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unaesthetic asks (anon edition)

i usually use a psd for asks to make them look nice and transparent and number them but tbh it’s just keeping me from answering asks quickly, having to shift layers around and stuff. so this is me literally cutting and pasting the text of some asks into a text post instead, sry.

if i did not answer yr thing here i lost/never got the ask, need a separate post to answer it (community lot anon), or worked myself into an anxious lather when i did not have an immediate response at the ready and fled into the woods to hide inside an old damp log and mutate slowly into a creature composed entirely of moss.

1) hey friend i think i can actually help with this one! slig did my poor lover for momma lisa, and has a few of my other skins linked to different body meshes in this tag here. @asimplevampire also did rehash for androgyny. those are the two i know off the top of my head but if anyone else knows any others pls reply to this post!

i don’t personally make showerproof skintones for body meshes because i a) am lazy and b) don’t usually take pics of my sims in the shower or naked in general so the occasional floating head just gives me a lil chortle when it does happen.

2) yis, it is the second to last one in this post by @magpieplayssims with a bunch of face masks piled on.

3) i use a personal edit of gunmod’s 3.1 A camera which alters the, like, central pivot axis so i can swing the camera underground into any basements i might be using. as a result, whenever i load the lot, it starts me off zoomed inside the floor, you just gotta zoom out with the scroll wheel to get above ground and it works normally from there. i haven’t figured out how to mitigate this while still being able to access underground rooms. which is why my edit never got its own post, but i did share it here.

4) nah, not really. i mean i have an outdated one at the back of my catalogue but my face is boring to me cuz i see it every day n stuff & i’m less and less interested in making human features now that custom sliders have let me go absolutely mad with power.

5) ye sorry i put that on my to-do list and promptly forgot about it cuz my brain seems to think that putting something on a list means it’s done forever now!!!! but now it’s actually done and i’m fixing the other links too.

6) yr phone is a craven liar and i will not stand for this libel. earlier today i was genuinely bewildered by a discussion about channing tatum cuz i thought his name was tatum channing. i sat there for minutes, convinced that there were two guys in hollywood one named channing tatum and the other named tatum channing and wondering if that ever got confusing for them.

7) u would be surprised, friend! my memory is a lawless wasteland but i do not end up chatting back and forth w/ many ppl b/c i am a seething pit of social anxiety. if we talked, like, more than twice, i probs remember u!

8) omg i was about to be like “nah i never made nosemasks for those” but that is a fucking lie of the highest caliber, i totally did make one (1) set and then forgot entirely about it. i will post them with the next batch of bodyshop content which should be Shortly (and if i don’t just yell @ me and i’ll just lazily put them on sfs and link them in a reply).

also thank u anon i am glad u like my content! :D

9) omg thank u so much anon that is so sweet of u to say!! truly i don’t feel like i have accomplished a whole lot beyond managing to snag @resurrection-failed but that is definitely the Best thing i could accomplish so i am 100% fine w/ that

10) oh ts4. i want to play it real bad but i have discovered that playing games that are still being updated and could break at any moment due to a new patch or ep gives me hives. esp when it’s sims games b/c those are held together exclusively w/ wishes and prayers as it is. they’re like the bottom panel of an expanding brain meme on spaghetti coding. at least when the game is Done there nothing else for EA to break (... right?). plus i only have base+pets and no money to throw at the other expansions so i could maybe download 1/10th of the cc available out there ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

but i am excited to be late af to the party. lemme tell u. thank u for saying such nice things, anon!! i hope u have a good day also. like, lots of ‘em.

11) hey anon! it’s built into tumblr’s text editor. u type the text first, highlight it, and click on the fourth button that looks like a slouchy figure 8 to insert yr link. i’m not sure if it’s the same on mobile, tho, cuz the tumblr mobile app is self-elected torture.

12) i do not right now but i can make one. idk if it would interest you but i am also doing a big ol’ blend of the hq eyes and wifezaya’s favorite ephemera mist eyes and will make a default version of those too when they are done.

13) nah i am still using my v3 texture for straight hairs and for waves or natural hair i just use nouk’s originals. i’m old-fashioned and boring. if u need help w/ making yr own, tho, i would suggest checking out @furbyq’s tutorial here!

14) hey friend! i did have plans to do that, in that vague way where i have plans to do many things but most of the time end up taking a five-hour nap under a cat instead or watchin game grumps. luckily, @digitalangels is a doll and did it for me so consider this my official endorsement. i am pooklet and i approve this action.

15) hey anon. when did i call it that?? i think usually i just call it marriage or equal marriage if i need to specify (or gay marriage if i’m feelin Spicy cuz nonbinary-for-nonbinary is pretty gay). if i did say same-sex it was probs w/ implied air-quotes since that was the term du jour when we got married, which was 3+ years before the supreme court mandate, when it was only legal in some places and everyone was still ‘‘‘‘debating’’’’ the ‘‘‘‘issue’’’’ of queers gettin all married.

16) i been gatherin’ links for u anon but lemme look around a lil more. i will either give this its own post or add it as its own section in the resource post that is like .... five years overdue. meanwhile if anyone reading this has anything they either know is made for dark skin or works well universally or knows of a list like this that already exists, i would appreciate links!

17) I KNOW THAT’S YOU, AZAYA

#anonymous #pooklet replies #wcif #pazooka #pooklet irl #sims 2 #ts2 #also if u got cakebread wcifs plssss ask me on dreamwidth #in the post in question #with a link to the picture

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proxylynn · 6 years ago

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UNDERFELL: FILE NAME NOT EDGY ENOUGH part #5

Chapter 5: Mercy WARNING: I WANT NO RESPONSIBILITY OVER SPOILING THINGS FOR OTHERS. THAT BEING SAID, THIS IS HOW FILE NAME NOT FOUND WOULD FUNCTION IN THE AU OF UNDERFELL. BEFORE YOU READ THIS, UNLIKE THE NICE TIME OF UNDERTALE, THIS WORLD IS KILL OR BE KILLED. THIS STORY WILL BE GRAPHIC, GORY, USE SWEARS LIKE NOBODY'S BUSINESS, AND DEAL WITH SENSITIVE SUBJECT MATTERS. FOR EXAMPLE, THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE READ THE FILE NAME RELOCATED SPOOF WILL KNOW HOW I PICTURE THIS VERSION OF LYNSIE COMING TO THE UNDERGROUND. IT IS NOT AN ACCIDENT. IT IS NOT BECAUSE OF SOMETHING DUMB. IT IS BECAUSE SHE CHOOSES TO END HER LIFE. SO TAKE THIS WITH A GRAIN OF SALT. I MADE IT BECAUSE I NEEDED TO LET SOME OF THIS EDGINESS OUT OF MYSELF. WHICH I GUESS MAKES UNDERFELL LYNSIE EVEN MORE TRUE TO WHO I REALLY AM. ANYWAY, ENJOY. ^_^ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Time passes here in the Underground with no notice. I'm not sure what is a day or night from down here. Though my iPod has a watch function, I'm not sure if I'm able to trust it after drying it out. There's no internet signal for it to sync up with, so I don't know if the time it tells me if what it really is or just the continuation from when it got waterlogged. I'm just grateful it still works. Would've hated to lose all my tunes. Does suck I can't get a radio signal either, but you win some and lose some sometimes. Flowey has been helpful in adjusting to how things work down here. He's a real treasure trove of things. He tells me ways of improving my stats because apparently, I'm super weak by monster standards. Every being, humans, and monster, has a set of basic stats. HP. ATK. DEF. LV. EXP. HP is the level of Endurance that determines the damage a person can take before dying. My maximum HP is at 20 and, what Flowey tells me, will only increase when my LV does. Resting will fully heal and raise HP 10 points above its maximum amount. HP can also be restored through consumable items like food and drinks. An attack hitting the receiving party lowers their HP. The loss is dependent on the attacking party's ATK and that of the receipt's DEF. Upon reaching 0 HP, that's it, you die. It doesn't matter if you're human or monster. There's no coming back when your number is up. ATK determines the damage output of the attacking party. My base ATK is 10 and, like with the HP, can also increase with LV. But that's not the only way. Equipping a weapon can raise ATK, as well as certain ACTs or consumables but that's only a temporary thing. When ATK is high enough, one can spare an opponent without needing to use the ACT button. This rule is true even of monsters that have a non-traditional sparing method. DEF determines the damage input for the defending party. My base DEF is 10, and again, can increase with LV or equipping armor type items such as the ribbon in my hair. Just like with ATK, can be changed temporarily with certain ACTs or consumables. DEF is subtracted from the damage output of the attacking party. However, it cannot lower the taken damage to a value less than 1. LV increases HP, ATK, and DEF when it rises. All humans and monsters start at LV 1 and can raise it as high as 20 or so Flowey assumes, he's unsure if it can exceed this amount or not. And of course, EXP is gained by killing. When you accumulate enough EXP, your LV increases. So in a way, it is like experience points...for murder. However, there are other stats that one doesn't outright see when in the midst of a fight. INV is for Invulnerability. This determines the number of moments an attack cannot hurt the victim after they receive a hit. It is a hidden stat that apparently can only increase through certain Armor items. SPEED, as the name implies, determines the velocity someone can move at while in a fight. It is a hidden stat that can temporarily increase with certain ACTs and consumables. Lastly, the creepiest one of them all...MDR, or better known as Murder Level. It is an entirely internal statistic that tracks the progress of death when someone kills. This stat begins at 0 because no one can knowingly kill at birth. So in that aspect, it shares a similar trait with LV. Knowing this, I now have some tough choices to make. I still don't intend to kill, so that means I'll gain no EXP and my LV will remain at 1, thus I'll remain weak compared to everyone else. Nothing but LV will increase my HP and that sucks big time. So this means I'll need to increase my DEF so that the damage I do take isn't as strong as it should be. I'll need to find these Armor items or in the very least train my ass off to increase my SPEED. Because you can't hit what can't be caught. Toriel has also been one I try to learn from, all be it with caution. I tend to go about this like child since she sees me as one. I go to her bookcase, select a book, read it, then pretend to not understand so she'll read it to me, and then ask her about it while also sliding in other off-topic questions along the lines of things I do want to know. Of course, I do mix this tactic up every now and again. Otherwise, it would become too obvious what I'm doing. When not trying to prob her mind, I get a feel for Toriel as a person. And yes, I know that came out dirtier than intended, but fuck you for thinking about it. Toriel is a, for lack of better words, a decent cook. When it comes to sweets, she's epic. Other things, not so much. Also, she has this unusual appetite for eating slugs or snails if she can't find any slugs. While she doesn't try to shove them down my throat, watching her eat them makes my stomach twist to the point it gets hard to eat. Toriel is rather intelligent when not touched with moments of madness. This side of her actually backfired on me. Believing my inquisitiveness to be a cry out for teaching, she now schools me with a curriculum she's had prepared for just such a reason. There is a good thing to this though, as it imbues Toriel with more trust in me. This trusting faith allows me to venture around without her needing to watch over me or allow me a certain distance away past the big tree. But you might be wondering how she keeps tabs on me if she can't visibly see me. Simple...She gave me a cell phone. It's a really old thing that probably fell down here, it's clearly seen better days as the body and tiny screen are cracked, but it still works. I've also taken it upon myself to give her a nickname, Nanny. Get it? Because nanny is another way of saying female goat. No? At least she thinks it's funny. But yeah, now my days are amuck with class time with teacher Toriel and workout training with Flowey. The training is both worth it and yet not really. On the plus side, my stats do increase. The negative side, the rate at which my stats increase is bullshit. In the amount of time of what feels like a week, my base stats of HP 20, ATK 10, and DEF 10 increase by a total of 6 points. HP 24, ATK 12, and DEF 10. Flowey does tell me that DEF will increase over time, but at a much slower rate than the other two. He estimates along the line of about four weeks of training will equal enough effort to better my DEF. So think about that for a second. Four weeks to get a single point on my DEF stat while HP and ATK keep increasing? I know right? You'd think they'd be more evenly gained. But no! Argh...There's gotta be a better way that won't take so long. Maybe if I work out a bit before bed, add in some extra hours by cutting down on other things? Fuck it! Math was never my forte. Today I feel lazy. I don't feel like doing anything. But sleeping all day wouldn't be a thing I could do because Flowey would bitch at me and then Toriel would nag me. So I stare aimlessly in thought into the fireplace. More freaky shit's been popping up in my life. There's the voice that whispers in my ear at random with even more random things to say. Like, I walked out of the bathroom the other day and stopped to check myself in the hallway's mirror. No more than a couple seconds in did that voice chime in. {It's you!} Freaked me out a bit. Now when I go near it, it says something else. {Still you, Lynsie.} Cocky little shit. If I ever see what is making that voice, I'm gonna beat some manners into it. I know it's not Napstablook at least. After some time, the ghost was willing to come see me again. Had to apologize out the ass for making him so uncomfortable last time. Though he's not without his moments for making me uncomfortable either. Often times I can't get to sleep due to my random insomnia and I'll find him watching me from across the room. He plays it off as he's only doing what I asked, for him to watch over me, but I really should've been more specific. Because the creepy part is not knowing for how long he watches or where he watches me at. I mean, I like the guy, but I really don't need to think a ghost is watching me shower. I just don't. At least Blook-man isn't a jerk like the weirdo that sometimes pops up in my dreams. That creepy voice is beginning to sound more clear the more I dream about it. I haven't seen where or what makes this voice, but the clearer it gets, the more this dude sounds like he's got a big stick up his annoyed ass. Yet I know the inevitable is coming. Soon I'll end up seeing who this condescending creep is. I dread that moment. My dreams are not under my control anymore. This voice is forcing me to interact with it and that makes my blood run cold. I can't control my subconscious. I can't stop these moments from happening. I can't do anything! I'm not in control anymore! What is ̡hap̴pe͞ning ̨t͘ò m̵e͝?͏!̷ "My child? Is everything all right?" Toriel's been sitting in her chair and reading for a couple hours now. Flowey's taking a nap in our room. "I'm fine, Nanny." "Are you sure? You've been awfully silent for a long time." "I'm fine, Nanny." She frowns as I try to clear my head of all this madness. "Um, I want you to know how glad I am to have you here. There are so many old books I want to share. I want to show you my favorite bug-hunting spot." I don't say anything. I just keep my eyes on the dancing flames. "Want to know what I have been reading?" I shrug. "It's called 'Beyond The Slime: Snails, Slugs, and other Gastropods'. How about it? Would you like me to tell you bits of it?" "If you want to, go ahead." "All right, here's an exciting snail fact. Did you know that snails...Talk. Really. Slowly?" Not as interesting as you think Toriel. Wait...they can talk? "Just kidding, snails don't talk. Interesting yes?" And just like that, I'm bored. Her jokes are usually more entertaining than this. "Snails are distinguished by an anatomical process known as torsion, where the visceral mass of the animal rotates 180° to one side during development, such that the anus is situated more or less above the head. This process is unrelated to the coiling of the shell, which is a separate phenomenon. Torsion is present in all gastropods, but the opisthobranch gastropods are secondarily de-torted to various degrees. Torsion occurs in two stages. The first, mechanistic stage, is muscular, and the second is mutagenetic. The effects of torsion are primarily physiological - the organism develops an asymmetrical growth, with the majority occurring on the left side. This leads to the loss of right-paired appendages (e.g., ctenidia (comb-like respiratory apparatus), gonads, nephridia, etc.). Furthermore, the anus becomes redirected to the same space as the head. This is speculated to have some evolutionary function, as prior to torsion, when retracting into the shell, first the posterior end would get pulled in, and then the anterior. Now, the front can be retracted more easily, perhaps suggesting a defensive purpose. However, this 'rotation hypothesis' is being challenged by the 'asymmetry hypothesis' in which the gastropod mantle cavity originated from one side only of a bilateral set of mantle cavities." Huh...I guess that's kind of neat. "Gastropods typically have a well-defined head with two or four sensory tentacles with eyes, and a ventral foot, which gives them their name (Greek gaster, stomach, and poda, feet). The foremost division of the foot is called the propodium. Its function is to push away sediment as the snail crawls. The larval shell of a gastropod is called a protoconch. The principal characteristic of the Gastropoda is the asymmetry of their principal organs. The essential feature of this asymmetry is that the anus generally lies to one side of the median plane.; The ctenidium (gill-combs), the osphradium (olfactory organs), the hypobranchial gland (or pallial mucous gland), and the auricle of the heart are single or at least are more developed on one side of the body than the other ; Furthermore, there is only one genital orifice, which lies on the same side of the body as the anus." I snicker a tiny bit at the mentioning of anus...I'm such a child. At least that perks her up a bit. "Okay, how about this? Courtship is a part of mating behavior in some gastropods, including some of the Helicidae. Again, in some land snails, an unusual feature of the reproductive system of gastropods is the presence and utilization of love darts. In many marine gastropods other than the opisthobranchs, there are separate sexes; most land gastropods, however, are hermaphrodites." "That's due to the odds of them finding a normal member of the opposite sex would be impossible because of how slow they are. So it's not uncommon that they have both sets of genitalia. The funny part is, when two meet up to have relations, they wrestle each other for dominance. The winning partner gets to be the male and the loser becomes the female." "...Have you been reading this without me?" "I watched a lot of TV growing up. It practically raised me." She puts the book down. "Child, come here." I sigh and roll myself near her, being super lazy about this. She pulls me up when I'm close to her chair and sits me on her lap. "Is something the matter? You are not as cheerful as you normally are." "I don't know." "Do you want to talk about it?" Not really, but I'll humor you a little, Toriel. "Nanny...Ya ever have one of those days where you don't even feel like getting out of bed? One of those days when so much is on your mind that it cripples you to the point of wondering why am I even bothering to get up today?" This strikes a nerve with her and she puts me down. "Come. Follow me for a moment." I'm confused but go along with it. She gets up and I follow her out the door. We walk out past the old tree and make a left down a small hall, encountering a single Froggit that flees in terror the moment it sees Toriel. I feel for ya little froggy dude. Entering a doorway leads us to an overlook of what I can only describe as an abandoned city. "Whoa..." "This is where we monsters lived when we first came to the Underground." "You're using past-tense wording. What happened?" "As ages passed, monsters changed and thrived with the blessing of children. Fearing the humans no longer, we moved out of the old city we called HOME. We braved harsh cold, damp swampland, and searing heat...Until we reached what we now call our capital...NEW HOME. Though the ones that choose to stay here, still live in their homes like time never passed. Only now, the streets are empty. The sounds of life are dull. I brought you here because this is a place where I come to relive days long ago and release such negative feelings. I pray it can do the same for you, child." Whoever is naming things around here is not very creative. It's still cute, but not creative. "So...This is your venting spot?" "More or less." "Not sure I can while you're here. Or how I'd even start." "That is fine. I merely wanted to show you that there is always something you can do when those bad moments happen." I smile softly. "Thanks, Nanny." We look out at the city, different thoughts in our heads. Though something she brought up tickles my curiosity. "So...There's more to the Underground than just the Ruins?" She flinches and grips the lookout's ledge a little bit. "...Yes. B-But it is much too dangerous for you out there. The monsters out there are not like the ones in here. They...They do not fight fair. You will not last long if you leave." Oh shit, did I trigger her? Quick you fool! Fix it! "I never said I was leaving. Why would I? I doubt anyone out there is as cool as you are." That settles her down for now. Better switch the subject anyway to be sure. "Is there anything else you want to know?" "Well, I did have one more thing that's been bugging me a little." "And what's that?" "So I've noticed I've been eating a lot and yet needing to go to the toilet less. I'm I dying or something?" She blushes before laughing. "*giggles* Heavens no, child. You're not dying." "And just like that, I feel like the world's biggest dumbass." "Let me see, how do I put this?" She takes a moment to think. "Well, we monsters use magic to make our foods and drinks. While still being physical enough to consume, it doesn't remain as such once in the body. Once consumed, the magic begins to dissipate as if it never existed. It still gives the body the nourishment and all other needs it requires, but since there's no mass to the magic, there's very little to pass out the body. So that may be why you're noticing less usage." "Huh. And if I ate human foods?" "Hard to say. No one knows if human foods would reverse this effect. Mainly because such foods are not available down here." "Nanny..." "Yes?" "Magic is cool." She snickers. "Nanny..." "Yes?" "I want to let you know I'm grateful for you taking Flowey and me in. A total stranger, and a human no less. I know it's against the law for you to be doing so...but...Thank you for caring." This seems to strike a chord within her. "C-Child...Do you really mean that?" "I do." She catches me by surprise with a sudden bear hug. "Thank you. Thank you so much." My first instinct is to return this affection to her, which I do. But my heart just isn't into it. The shadows in my mind begin to whisper things. Look at this, a stranger loves you more than your own family. How long has it been now and still no sign of any search party? Face it, they never loved you. You were a waste of life that took up space in that house. No one cares about you. Not even death wants a freak like you. "Child? You're trembling. Is everything all right?" I bite my tongue hard. If I open my mouth now, nothing good will come out. But Toriel is persistent and it doesn't help that my grip on her is clenching harshly. "Child, please. Just speak to me. Tell me what's wrong." I can't hold this anymore. I shove away from her to face the city and let it out. "I hate you! I hate all of you! You fucking pieces of shit! Why?! Why is it so hard for any of you to care?! I've been missing for days or weeks and none of you care! *sobs* Did you ever love me?! Why did you even bother having me if you don't even care that I'm gone?! *bawling* Why? Why? Someone tell me why...please..." I break down, crumbling right there to cry on my knees like a helpless babe. Toriel is shocked by my outburst. Her instincts unsure if she should let me cry this out or come over with comforting motherly tenderness. She picks a different option. "I know this isn't the most pleasant of times to ask...But since we've come to know more about each other, I have been curious about something." I can hardly look at her. "The humans that fall down here...They tend to not fall down for the happiest of reasons. If it is not too painful...Can you share with me your reason? What made you come to a cursed mountain where none ever return from?" My eyes sting, I can't keep them open for very long. "*hard sniffling* They used to care. I used to know what it was like to know others cared. I can't remember when they started to pull away. When I became invisible. I just want to know why. Was it something I did? Did I do something wrong? Did I not make them proud? I thought I did everything right. I was a good girl. *voice cracking* I'm a good girl. Aren't I?" I can't see it due to the tears blinding me, but I can hear it. Toriel is crying. No sound leaves her past her lips but I can hear the droplets fall to the floor. "Oh, my...You poor thing..." I feel her hug me from behind. "I do not know the life you have lived. I do not hold the answers you seek. But what I can tell you is this. You are a good girl. If you were my daughter, I'd always let you know I care for you." "*sniffles* Y-You...You would?" She rests her head on mine and I stiffen with tension. "I would. A mother should care for her children and never let them feel such sadness." Well, in the Ruins of the Underground they say, that the human's small heart grew three sizes that day. "How do you feel now, my child?" "...Meh."' "Any better at all?" "...A little. But I'm trying to be cool about it so you don't think I'm so pitiful." "My child, you are not pitiful. It takes great strength to admit such hurt." "If you say so." Her hold on my grows stronger. My sourness is something she doesn't like. It makes her have an idea. "Child...Would that make you happy? To call me... 'Mother'?" I feel my heart breaking. "Are you...Are you being serious right now? Because if you're toying with me...!" "Lynsie..." I think that's the first time she's used my name since being together. "I mean it. I know I am not your real mother. But I can be a real mother to you. If you allow me to. Now, what say you to this silly old woman?" I'm so close to weeping again it ain't funny. "You're...*soft sigh* Heh...You really are something else...Mom." She looks at me surprised, but smiles and nuzzles the top of my head. I feel like such a little kid right now. I can tell this made her happier than it made me. But I guess in time I'll work out these family issues I have and I'll be able to thank her for it. We sit there for a while, her just holding me and me just trying to return to my usual composure. Then she stands up. "My child...Would you like to help me with lunch?" I remain seated but look up at her. This is unreal. She's unreal. No way in hell that any human on earth even comes close to her. I owe her. "Know what? Let's flip the script. I'll make lunch. You do enough as it is." Her eyes sparkle till she notices I'm not getting up. "Are you not coming?" "In a moment..." I look back at the city. "I just need one more minute." She holds a breath, resisting the urge to smother me and drag my sorry ass home. But the trust we've made has gotten to that level where she knows such actions aren't necessary. "Very well...I will be waiting at home. The flower is probably worried sick." I chuckle at that and listen to the sound of her steps leave the area. Once things go quiet, I stand up and take a couple of deep breaths before I let out on last bit of venting. "*loud aggressive roar*!" While very relief inducing, such a harsh forced sound fucks up my throat and I cough like a chain smoker. "*coughs* W-Worth it...*gasp* So worth it." Turning on my heel, I'm about to leave till something wedged into the corner of the overlook. Upon closer inspection, it ends up being a hand grip. So I yank on it. It refuses to cooperate till I really give it a hard yank and pull this metaphorical sword from the literal stone. Turns out, it's toy weapon. Neat. "Huh...Okay? Weird, but mine now." [You equipped the Fake Knife.] [You gain 3 Attack.] "Really? That's the same increase as the ribbon. Wonder if they're a set?" [Made of plastic and not very good for killing. A rarity nowadays.] "Heh...Good thing I don't aim to kill. It's perfect." [CHECK selected.] [You now have HP 24, ATK 15, and DEF 13.] I slip the dagger into my lower side pocket with a smile and make merry way back home. When I get there, Toriel is making sure Flowey's soil is fresh before watering him. I end up making a bunch of grilled cheese sandwiches with slices of tomato between the cheese slices, at least on half of them. Though I do have to wonder where this food comes from, but she did say it's magic made, so who knows. The rest of the day is pretty chill. Toriel and I hang out some more before I spend the rest of the evening with Flowey. Since I apparently slacked off, he decides to cram some extra FIGHT knowledge into my messed up noggin and then gives me a rapid-fire pop quiz about it all. Aside from the normal Bullet Hell that I'm used to dealing with, there are seven different colored magic that can alter the attack to either hurt more or hurt less. White attacks are the most basic form of attack monsters can do. And if it hits you it will only do normal damage. The only way to counter white attacks is by dodging them. Gray attacks deal no damage and are used when the monster is unsure how to respond in their turn. More or less, it's like their way of skipping their turn. Red attacks do not deal damage but are used to warn of upcoming attacks. The warning can take on several forms, such as an attack itself flashing red, a simple red outline bordering the area of the attack, or a red rectangle with an exclamation point in the center and a flashing sound effect. Green attacks heal damage by varying amounts depending on the will of the attacking monster, the progress of battle in some way, or both. Light blue attacks, also known as just blue attacks, do not deal damage so long as you remain completely still. Orange Attacks do not deal damage so long as you remain moving. And purple attacks apply a 'poison' effect that gets worse the more you're hit till your HP is drained. Yet he tells me to take the purple attack with a grain of salt as he isn't sure it really exists outside of rumors. This is what Toriel meant when she said the monsters outside the Ruins are too dangerous and don't fight fair. If an LV level 1 monster like Napstablook can kick my ass to 1 HP, I don't think I stand a ghost of a chance against harder monsters. I need to do more training. [Time Skip] Life as the adopted daughter of a monster is something I never thought I'd be when I grew up, but it's something I have come to really enjoy. Toriel's been true to her word. She shows her care for me every day in small ways. She did do it in a big way once but I told her wasn't necessary. That and I felt bad we couldn't eat the whole cake before it spoiled. Toriel has gotten a bit more intense sometimes. I'm sure it has nothing to do with Napstablook randomly popping in and out of my room without asking her for permission. Can't be that...Sarcasm. Speaking of her, my time with Toriel has been most enlightening. Aside from the normal schooling, she also has taught me much about the history of the Underground. Or as much as she's willing to tell me, she isn't too detailed on somethings, makes me curious as to why. But what she, Flowey, and Napstablook all confirm with me is this. The King of the Monsters, Lord Asgore, has called a war on humanity once again. So if freedom were ever attained with the breaking of the barrier, then they wouldn't leave this place peacefully. Blood would be spilled, thick enough to swim in as they hear the lamentations of their conquered foes. This is not so far off from happening either. The King so far has in his possession six human souls and only one more is needed to break the barrier completely. When I bring such topics up in conversation, Toriel is always upset. Badmouthing Asgore and then running off to let out some steam either at the overlook or in the basement. I can tell she fears me falling into his grasp. She fears to lose yet another child. That's another thing she's taught me. While it is the law that humans at to be killed and their souls harvested for the freedom of monster kind, she never supported this. She's tried to keep the other six before me from leaving the Ruins, but they all left her anyway. The dumbasses. Why leave this poor wonderful woman? But humans are not the only loss she's had. I know the look of greater hurt when I see it. She's suffered heavy loss. I dare not ask her about such pain. It is not my place to speak of. All this pain Toriel has been through, she is covering her hurt with a happy Jekyll and crazy Hyde complex. She has yet to move on to the final stage of grief...Acceptance. Another thing she has begun to teach me is the basic use of magic, mostly SOUL magic as it's the simplest form and a good base for beginners as she put it. Not that I can complain, I mean, I'm learning freaking magic! Flowey is first apprehensive about this. Mentioning something along the lines of I have a freaky soul as it is and shouldn't mess with it. But I counter this with, well if my soul is so fucked up then wouldn't it be best to train it so that it isn't a problem? Needless to say, I won that argument, yet I also find out what Flowey meant by me having a weird soul. It seems that my soul is able to change color depending on what emotion I feel the strongest at the time and each color has its own power associated with it or trait as they're called. She only knows of a few colors due to the humans that fell before me and my soul during our magic training sessions tends to stick to being a light blue color. But of course, Flowey fills me in on the other ones I haven't seen. When the SOUL is red, it seems like any normal soul and behaves normally. It does get a slight boost in power and added precision when it comes to making quick moments. This power is associated with the emotion of Determination. When blue, the SOUL is affected by gravity. This allows one to move beyond the Earth's normal gravity, like being able to jump as if on the moon. This power is associated with the emotion of Integrity. When green, the SOUL it can produce a kind of shield but at the cost of being unable to move. While in this state, one can only dodge in a stationary way or block the incoming attacks. This power is associated with the emotion of Kindness. When purple, the SOUL is focused and can only allow movement to the left and right from where one is standing. It's a very intimidating soul to most as it gives you a handicap and makes you look skilled if used correctly. This power is associated with the emotion of Perseverance. When Yellow, the SOUL is filled with magic power and is flipped upside down like a monster's SOUL, so the heart's point is directed toward the foe. In this state, the soul grants the ability to shoot a projectile that can destroy certain oncoming projectile attacks. This power is associated with the emotion of Justice. When the SOUL is light blue it will appear to make you weaker and slow down movements. But this is a ruse as the SOUL is storing energy from not moving around so much. This allows for stronger block and defensive counters the more power is stored. This power is associated with the emotion of Patience. And lastly, when the SOUL is it will appear to make you stronger and increase movements. This SOUL will also store energy but only while the user is moving around. This allows for stronger attacks and parrying counters the more power is stored. This power is associated with the emotion of Bravery. There is a catch to all this too, as some monsters are able to force such SOUL MODES onto humans and render the human unable to break free from such control till the fight ends. All this, Monsters and Magic, it's become my new normalcy. And looking back on how I was living before, I can honestly say I don't miss the surface at all. This is the life I've always wanted. A life in which the world isn't trying so hard to crush your hopes and dreams. A life where I know what love is. A life where one can truly live when not being threatened with death. But this doesn't stop my curiosity. The one thing I can't get her to talk about is the staircase to the basement that she herself often sneaks away to. Whenever I even hint at it she tells me to ignore it and don't go down there as it's not safe. "No good will come if you venture down there." Out of respect, I do as she says. I would never dare disobey her and yet I feel something trying to draw me down there. Maybe it's the little things like how she's able to go down there and I'm not. Maybe it's because I can sometimes barely hear her talking to either herself or someone else. Whatever the reason is, it's driving me crazy! Each passing day I find myself closer and closer than the last time I've done this. Just testing how far down I can go before Toriel notices. But the more I do this, the more I think she's catching on. Her steps get quicker and I have to be careful not to make a sound when I rush back up the steps. This has become a routine every time she heads down there. She goes down there. I follow up to a point. I stop in an odd pause for a couple minutes until I hear something. Then leave in a hurry This is insanity! Why do I keep doing this and how do I make it stop?! Today is no different, with the exception of Flowey joining in on my madness. After the lessons, schooling, and my workout training, I hold his pot while gazing over the edge of the banister. I don't know where Toriel is. Either she's down there or making her rounds in case another human falls. Not likely that'll happen. But not knowing her location has me weary on being bold enough to go down there. "So...This is the dangerous thing you told me about?" "Yep." "And you never go down there?" "I do...But not very far. I don't want Toriel to freak out if she sees me." "You do know she'll totally lose it if she ever finds out you do this, right?" "I know." "Then why do you do it?" "I don't know." He's confused. "What do you mean, you don't know?" "Don't act like you didn't understand. I said I don't know why I do this because I really don't know why I do this! If it's not one thing like the fucked up dreams, then it's the voices in or out of my head that nobody else hears. And if it's not the voices, then it's this freaky feeling to go down there. So do forgive me, oh all too perfect flower, for I am flawed and often don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do!" He flinches at my snap and looks away in shame, making me feel like shit. "*sigh* I'm sorry. I'm just...really stressed out. Between all the training, my emotional baggage, and weird shit that I can't even tell if it is really happening or not..." I hang my head. "I...I need a break before I end up broken." "Hey..." Flowey rubs my hands comfortingly. "Just relax. It's going to be okay. I didn't know you were going through so much." "You should know by now I don't talk about my feelings and other junk. My burdens shouldn't have to bug anyone else." "If it helps...I know what's down there." "...What?" "There's nothing down there. It just leads to the door that heads out to the rest of the Underground. She keeps it shut. Not wanting others to leave and end up killed." "...So that's it? A door?" "Yep." "But...That can't be all there is." "What do you mean?" "She talks to someone down there." "Huh? Are you sure you weren't hearing things?" I glare harshly. "I know the voices I hear. There might be a lot of them, but I know them all. And she talks to someone I don't know." "Okay, I'm sorry. I didn't mean for you to take it the wrong way." "We're going down there." "Wait, what?!" I head to go downstairs but Flowey blocks the entryway with vines. "Are you out of your mind?! What if Toriel finds out?!" "At this point, I don't care anymore. Nothing makes sense. So why would she react the way we think she will?" "Do you hear yourself? This will, without a doubt, make Toriel snap!" "And how would you know?" "Because I..." "what are you doing?" We both freak out at the sudden utterance of Napstablook, me more than Flowey. So much so that I drop Flowey, not that it matters as he's gripping the railing with his vines, and I take a tumble down the first part of the stairway down. "Holy crap! Are you okay?" "*groan* I fucking hate stairs..." "oh, shit...I-I-I didn't mean to..." I pick myself up shakily. "Nah, dude, you're okay. It'll take more than a little trip to hurt me." "uh...you're bleeding." "From your forehead." I rub it away. "Still there?" They shake their heads. "Then we cool. You cool. Me cool. We all cool." I wobbly head towards the rest of the way down. Flowey lowers himself and whacks me with his pot. "Okay, now I know you have brain damage. Go back upstairs and go to our room to sleep this off." "Look, I get it. You're scared. You don't have to come along if you don't want to." "Don't be so stupid, you idiot! I'm trying to keep you alive! You have no idea what kind of awful, messed up, nightmare-inducing things will happen if you go down there!" Flowey huffs and puffs, but I'm already halfway down by the time he notices. "*snarls* You! Ghost!" "me?" "Are you able to carry me?" Napstablook looks at him funny and scoffs. "probably. why?" "I need to go after her. That dumbass is going to get herself killed if she doesn't get out of there." Napstablook's eyes widen and he grabs Flowey's pot. Just then, the tumblers in the house's door began to clatter with the sound of a key being inserted. Panic washes over them. Napstablook moves quickly, yanking Flowey from the railing and speeding down the stairs as the door starts to open. Toriel enters. "Hello? My child? I have returned home." Only silence greeted Toriel. Perhaps the human was in her room asleep. Poor thing hasn't been the most well rested as of late. Those bags under her eyes looking darker by the day. The girl needs all the rest she can get. Toriel heads toward the kitchen, to start making a batch of cookies to surprise her happy little family. But the surprise was on her. She almost didn't see it. The joy of her delight almost blinded her to something that now has her breaking into a series of nervous twitches. Small smudges of crimson now discolor the pale cream that makes up the home's interior. "No...No, no, no, no, no! Not again!" The panicked parent rushes in the hopes that she is not too late. That she won't have to lose another life. Me on the other hand, I've been walking for a while now. The path under the house is much longer than anyone would guess. Probably the result of digging for open pockets in the mountain. Flowey chased after me, like a bitch, and dragged Napstablook along. "Human! Toriel is coming!" "Yeah, right." "he's not lying. she just came back. I hope she didn't see us." I roll my eyes not believing them, until... "Child!" [You felt your sins crawling on your back.] "Run!" The three of us make a break for it the end of the of the hall...only to be blocked by large stone doors. "Shit..." "My child..." We turn around and see the frightened Toriel now behind us. Dear god, this woman is fast as hell! Napstablook lets fear get the better of him, fading away and making me dive to catch Flowey before his pot shatters. "Nice catch." "*whisper* Praise my SPEED stat later. Shit's about to hit the fan." "Lynsie...My little girl. Why are you down here?" Her eerie calm is disturbing. I need to think of a lie and think it up quick. Or speak the dumb truth. Whatever will work best at this moment. "I fell down the stairs." Her expression softens slightly. "Why did you not come back upstairs?" "I...I didn't know how you'd react if you saw me. I got scared." She calms down and approaches. "Child, I meant not to instill such fear in you. I want you to know you can come to me whenever you are in need." "And you won't be upset?" "I...I will do my best to understand before reacting." "Thank you, Nanny." She pats my head and places a hand on my back to get me to follow her back up to our home. "I do have one question for you, my child." I tense up. "Yes?" "What were you doing by the stairs in the first place?" "I...I got curious." Her hand on my back flinches. "Curious about what?" Flowey is trying to mime to me to keep my mouth shut. But I'm not very good at following his orders. "You come down here a lot. You never say why or what happens. I just...I thought I could hear you talking to someone and wanted to meet them too." Her hand pushes me roughly so I'm ahead of her towards the stairs. "You heard nothing, child. There is no one down here. Run along and freshen up. We'll bake together shortly...I have to do something first." She turns around, heading back towards the doors. I should go upstairs. I know I should. But I can't. "Oh no. I know that look. Don't do it." "I'm gonna do it." "Don't!" "Too late." "Why do you do this?! Why don't you listen to me?!" "Because if you don't act then you're just as wrong to ignore what's going on. Sure, it's likely safer to just do as you or Toriel say. But that's just choosing to hide. To let the problems around me win. I've lived like that already. To sink into myself and the darkness. I won't do that again. I won't let others go through it if I have the chance. So get mad all you want. I'm not going to stand by while they do things that will only make them suffer." Flowey just stares at me. Thoughts running through his mind as I sprint after her. "Nanny!" She pauses. "I told you to go upstairs." "Not without you." "Tell me, child. Do I not provide enough for you? Are the Ruins not good enough? Do you seek your own death that badly?" [You felt your sins weighing on your neck.] I glare at her in annoyance but she continues. "Ahead of us lies the end of the RUINS. A one-way exit to the rest of the underground. I am going to destroy it. No one will ever be able to leave again. Now be a good child and go upstairs." "No." She looks at me over her shoulder, her own eyes glaring back at me. "No?" "I will not leave you down here." She huffs through her nose. "Every human that falls down here meets the same fate. I have seen it again and again. They come. They leave. They die. You naive child...If you leave the RUINS...They... ASGORE...Will kill you." "You underestimate me." "Please don't piss her off." She snarls at me. "I am only protecting you, do you understand?" "No, you understand! I will not allow you to use me as an excuse. I am an adult. I can make my own choices. I will embrace the consequences of any action I take. I am responsible for my life. Not you." "...Go to your room." "Make me." The intensity of our glares can generate harsh sparks. "Do not try to stop me. This is your final warning." She runs for the door and now I'm pissed off. "Don't you turn your back on me, bitch!" Flowey is stunned by my snap but doesn't get a chance to respond. I drop Flowey's pot and give chase to Toriel. I never even hear the clay pot shatter. I speed up to make sure Toriel won't do something stupid. "Don't ignore me! You fear something you can't control. You're letting the fear win. You're acting as stupid as the humans that banished you!" She flinches for a second before turning around and facing now in front of the door that she despises. Though now that I see her and the door together, I notice the door bears the same symbol as her robes. "You must really be unhappy. You want to leave so badly?" "What made you get a moronic idea like that? Fuck no, I don't want to leave. All I want is for you to get your fuzzy ass upstairs so we can make cookies and read books." "Hmph. And why should I believe that? You are not the first to tell me such lies." "Oh for fuck's sake. I have been trying for god knows how long to be sweet with you because, in case you haven't noticed, I like you and consider you my freaking mom! So stop this nonsense and get away from that stupid door!" She snorts, anger in her eyes. But then...she starts to giggle. The giggles then become manic and loud. Now I'm on edge. "You...hehehe...You are just like the others. To think I was worried you wouldn't fit in out there...Eheheheh! You really are no different from them! Ha...Ha..." I growl in annoyance. Is she really mocking me right now or is she losing her mind? I don't know. But it's really ticking me off either way. "There is only one solution to this. You...Prove yourself...Prove to me you are strong enough to survive." I scoff. "I don't have to prove anything to anyone. Not even you." "Prove to me you are strong enough to survive!" Her voice shirks harshly and my soul appears in a glow of red. Seems we're fighting now. Just great. [HEARTACHE begins to play in the background.] [Toriel blocks the way!] "Are you for real right now? You're really going to fight me over this crap?" [Toriel prepares a magical attack.] "*sigh* I guess you're leaving me no choice but to beat some sense into you. Very well...Bring it on!" Her paw-like hands catch fire and she sweeps them in an arc, casting a trail of fireballs that are launched towards me. Simple enough to attempt evasion on their own, but then I find out that the fireballs can bounce off of the walls. I get hit a few times by these rouge ricocheting balls of flame. [HP ███████████████ 15/24] [Toriel looks through you.] "And you criticize me for being nuts. Are you seeing this bullshit, Flowey? ...Flowey?" Only now do I realize that I don't have the pot with me. "Ah, fuck my life. Flowey! Hey! You okay?!" I shout into the hall behind me. Seconds later he pops out of the ground, meaning this floor isn't solid. "You jackass! I can't believe you dropped me!" "So you're fine? Good. That makes one of us. Two, if you count Napstablook fleeing when he had the chance. Lucky bastard." "Make your move, child!" Flowey takes notice of what's going on. "I told you! I told you and you wouldn't listen!" "Oh my god! Stop nagging me like you're my wife! Just support me and keep out of fight radius!" [FIGHT] [ACT] [ITEM] [MERCY] "Okay, what are my options?" [ACT selected.] [New options available.] [CHECK] [TALK] "That's it? Fine. Simple is as simple be." [TALK selected.] [You couldn't think of any conversation topics.] "This is pointless. I know you don't want to hurt me and you know I don't want to hurt you either. So let's stop this now before it gets crazy." [Toriel looks through you.] She launches the same attack as before. Only now there are two rows instead of one, but the pattern remains the same. This is a good thing. [HP ███████████████ 15/24] "You've really gotten fast, human." "You sound surprised? Did you really think I didn't try with all that training?" "Uh..." "Fuck you, Flowey." [TALK selected.] [You tried to think of something to say again, but...] "Quit wasting time doing this, Nanny. At this rate, we won't even have time to eat if we ever get cooking." [Toriel takes a deep breath.] "Geez, woman. You're like ice. So cold." Her stony expression doesn't change as she unleashes the same attack yet again. Same pattern. Same spots of bounce off. Same easy steps to dodge. [HP ███████████████ 15/24] "This isn't a fight. It's not even a tussle. It's just sad." "Are you really disappointed she's not trying to kill you?" "I know how it sounds and as fucked up as it is, yeah." "...Why?!" "Because I don't like it when someone pushes me to do things with them, only to slack off while I do all the work. It pisses me off." "While that does suck, you shouldn't feel that way right now. She doesn't want to hurt you and you don't want to hurt her...right?" "Of course not. I don't want to hurt anyone. That's why I'm trying to talk to her." [TALK selected.] [Ironically, talking does not seem to be the solution to this situation.] "Why won't you listen to me? Are you even able to hear me? Say something! Anything. Do something other than just stand there like an emotionless statue!" "..." [Toriel is acting aloof.] The same attack is sent my way once more. It's gotten to the point where I just stand still and deflect the fireballs with my knife. I'm losing my patience with this repetitive shit. "The hell am I suppose to do here? Die of boredom?" {You can't reason with her when she gets like this.} I flinch. "So...You're chiming in now? Of all times?" {You look like you can use all the help you can get.} "*scoff* Do you not see my skills? I can do this no problem. I just can't understand what option I need to select." "Human? Who are you talking to?" To Flowey or anyone else for that matter, I'm chatting with no one. "Oh, just a voice that seems to have random timing." {I don't have random timing. It takes a lot of energy to manifest like this.} "Wait, manifest? Are you a ghost?" {I guess? Not really sure. I mean, I was dead. Fairly sure I still am. I don't even know how or why I woke up. I just...did.} "You are one confused dude, ya know that?" "They're not the only one." I snarl at Flowey. {I might be confused on some things, yes. But I'm not as confused as you.} "Don't start shit with me, dude! I am so not in the mood and I will kick your dead ass if I have to" {I'd like to see you try, punk.} "Alright, what's your name, asshole?! I wanna know what to write on your headstone along with all the shit I'm gonna mock you with!" {My name? It's Chara.} "Well then, allow me to say this then...Fuck you, Chara!" Just like that, the room goes completely dead. The air stills, the temperature chills, and the thrills are less than wanted. In an instant, the world that I know of goes dark for me and my body stands in a painful slump. Flowey's eyes widen in shock and Toriel finally does something other than stay still. "C-Ch...Ch...Chara...? My boy...he's here...?" A hauntingly dread hangs in the air like a thick miasma. Flowey only seems to realize that things are not what they seem when my red soul begins to tinge darker and darker. The color being swallowed by shadow until it is nothing more than a black heart. "A black soul? How...Is that even possible?" I twitch for a moment before coming back to life. "Human? Are you okay?" I shake my head and rub my eyes. My head really hurts. Looking around I see Toriel, her face is sorrowful and her eyes are pleading. "Chara? Where is my son? Chara?" Chara was her son? This woman was holding out on me when I asked if she had a family. Not cool. Still, she's calling out for a dead kid, right? Do I not matter? I'm right here. I thought she cared about me. Thought she loved me. I've been trying to be a good girl and talk to her. But maybe she's... [Not worth talking to.] I stand strong and leer at this woman whom I gave trust to. This seems to strike her attention. "My child? Why are you looking at me like that?" {Yeah, why are you looking at her like that?} I snarl. "I am not your child." My voice is different. More darker, colder, and deadly. [FIGHT selected.] Flowey attempts to question me but I take off at her in the blink of an eye, knife in hand. She's stunned. Hardly able to register the dark blur that is me till I'm in her face. There's a quick instance of time, a glimpse of what's to come, and she's able to move in time just as the knife is swung. I miss hitting her yet she now has a slash across her robe. "Next time, I won't miss." {What the hell are you doing?!} "Y...You...at my most vulnerable moment...you...really hate me that much?" I turn to head back to my starting point. "Don't flatter yourself. I don't care enough to hate you." She frowns. "Child..." "No! Don't you dare say that!" I face her again and whatever hateful look I have on my face is enough to make her back up in intimidation. "I trusted you. I let you in. I thought you'd be different. Monsters are so much better than humans. But you...*growls* You're no better than they were. You never cared about me. I was just a replacement. A placeholder for the kid you lost." "B-But that's not true." "You've shown no emotion since this fight started. You've been ignoring me this whole time. But the moment I say Chara, you get all teary eyed and talkative? I let you call me your daughter and you forget me the moment a ghost from your past pops up! You're no better than them. You never cared about me. No one cares about me. I am the abandoned one. I am unlovable. You broke my heart when I didn't think it was possible for it to shatter anymore than it already was. So congratulations. You managed to hurt me like no one has. And now...Now I will make you feel my pain. One turn at a time." I walk back to my original position and she begins to cry, holding her muzzle to keep the sadness in. Flowey is just dumbfounded by my sudden turn to the dark side. "What the hell are you doing?! I thought you weren't going to...kill...?" The icy stare down I'm giving him chills the life out of him. "Y-You...Wh...What are you...?" I merely grin and the whites of my eyes begin to fill with blackness. This terrifies the poor flower-boy. "T-this...feeling? Why am I...Shaking? Hey...S-s-stop making that creepy face! This isn't funny! You've got a SICK sense of humor!" {I agree. This isn't how you win this.} I growl to myself. {What is with you? I swear to god if you hurt my mom, I'm gonna kill you.} "I'd like to see you try, brat." {Stupid reckless jerk. I'm too dead for this crap.} [Toriel prepares a magical attack but is weary now.] Streams of fireballs fall from the top of the room in a crisscrossing double-helix pattern and accumulate at the floor. The streams have holes in the middle of them to dodge through. Heck, there are even two safe spots near both corners. This doesn't bode well for Toriel. [HP ███████████████ 15/24] "My turn now." {Hey, wait!} "What?" {You don't have to fight her.} "Not much else really on the table for choices." {Okay, talking isn't going to work, we know that! But if you really mean what you say and don't want to kill...You'll have to do something else!} He's calling me out. Damn him. But he's right. I mean, what the fuck am I doing? I tried to strike Toriel! I could've killed her from my level of intent! That isn't something I'd do. That isn't me. This isn't me at all. "No...No, this is wrong. This is all wrong. This isn't me. This isn't me! THIS ISN'T ME!!" My head hurts! I grip my head in one hand and my soul in the other. The black that makes up its color struggles to remain. My chest tightens in pain and I roar. The black in my soul swirls into its center and is flushed away by the encompassing blue. Once it's all gone, I feel drained and yet better at the same time. {You...You okay?} "I...I don't feel so good." "Lynsie? Are you normal now?" I look at Flowey and he sighs with relief. "Phew! That creepy face is gone. What happened back there? You were so...different." "You think I know?" I look at my hands and the fake knife that's clasped so tightly that my fingers are stiffly locked around the handle. "I...I was going to do a bad thing. Wasn't I?" "Yeah...But that wasn't you. It was...Whatever that was." I glare at the knife and put it back in my pocket. I don't need it. I don't want it. I will not attack her. But if talking won't work, what will? Let's see...No to FIGHT. ACT is a waste of time. I don't have any ITEMS. So that just leaves MERCY? But that's usually SPARE and FLEE. And I doubt I can FLEE from this fight. Not after all the crap that just went down. I need to check this. "Yo, ghost-boy." {Huh?} "What do you think of this course of action?" [MERCY selected.] [New options available.] [SPARE] [FLEE] {You're going to run? Not a bad idea, but not a winning one either.} "No, not that one. This one." {Spare? Worth a shot. I mean, what else is there really?} "I know right?" "You still talking to Chara?" "We're agreeing on a plan." "And that is?" "You'll see." [SPARE selected.] Toriel looks at me funny. Not surprising as I've gone from trying to talk to her to then trying to kill her. "...? What are you doing?" "What's it look like? I'm sparing you." She eyes me funny. Contemplating so many things. "I don't understand." "What's so hard to understand? I didn't want to fight you. I don't want to fight you still. I don't want to end up hurting you. So I'm done. I'm done trying to do anything. I offer you mercy. What say you?" She pauses for a while. Time seems to stop. But then she makes her move. She attacks similar to her last attack but it's a little different. Thicker streams of fireballs, too thick to dodge through, but they do not sweep back and forth. Allowing careful me to keep safe between the streams only after finding it once I got hit a couple times trying to fit into it. [HP ███████ 7/24] "*panting* Okay...ow...Took more damage than I thought." {Not bad though. That was some pretty fancy footwork you did there.} "Thanks." "You okay, human?" I give Flowey a thumbs up and get ready for more junk to come. [SPARE selected.] "What are you doing? Attack or run away!" "I choose none of that." She hurls more of that same hard to dodge fireball streams. Only thing is now I know what I'm doing, so I only get hit once by the time her turn ends. [HP ███ 3/24] I can barely stand. I'm singed and searing in burn pain. I can't take much more of this. If she keeps this up, I'm as good as dead. Damn it, woman, accept my mercy already! {You're doing great. Keep this up and you're golden." "If this keeps up I'll be joining you in the afterlife, ghost-boy." "Child...What are you proving this way? Fight me or leave!" "There are more choices than that, Toriel. If I don't want to fight, I don't have to. If I don't want to leave, I don't have to. Problems don't just go away because you kill them or run away. You face them head on and never back down until their resolved." "Can't you see that's not how the world works down here? I don't want to see you die. I need to know you are strong enough to make out of this wretched place alive. And I'm willing to give you my power if it means you'll survive." "I will not kill my MOTHER!" That slipped out of me but I don't regret it. My words pack enough of a punch that has her faltering. "Stop it. Stop looking at me that way. Go away!" She attacks again, yet something isn't right. The fireballs fall haphazardly from above but deliberately move away if they come close to me, making it impossible to take damage even if I move closer. I think I'm finally getting to her. I need to keep this going. [HP ███ 3/24] "Please...just go upstairs now. I promise I will take good care of you here. I know we do not have much, but...We can have a good life here." "I know that. I don't want to leave. I want to make this work. That's why I'm trying so fucking hard!" [SPARE selected.] I start to approach her and she trembles, either in fear or worry, I know not. So she attacks again, but again the flames avoid me. [HP ███ 3/24] "Why are you making this so difficult? Please, go upstairs." "I can say the same to you." [SPARE selected.] I come to a stop in front of her and she meets my gaze with her own. Such sadness smears her features. Her hands tremble and the fire they hold flickers out. She crumbles right there, falling to her knees. "Urgh...You are stronger than I thought..." "I told you not to underestimate me." "Listen to me, small one...If you go beyond this door, keep walking as far as you can. Eventually, you will reach an exit." "Exit?" "ASGORE...Do not let ASGORE take your soul. His plan cannot be allowed to succeed." "War on humanity? Yeah, not the best plan since that didn't work out so well last time. Heh, funny enough, if you guys wait long enough we'll all end up wiping ourselves out for one dumb reason or another." "You will be good, won't you? My child." "You talk like you heard nothing I said. Damn it, Nanny, do I have to spell it out for you?" I put my arms around her and embrace her tight. I will not let go until she comes to her senses. I refuse to let her remain like this. Her eyes widen and her face contorts with mixed emotions before settling on a defeated weak smile. "Ha ha...Pathetic, is it not? I cannot save even a single child." "Mother..." "No, I understand. You would just be unhappy trapped down here. The RUINS are very small once you get used to them. It would not be right for you to grow up in a place like this. My expectations...My loneliness...My fear...For you, my child...I will put them aside." "Toriel..." "If you truly wish to leave the RUINS...I will not stop you. However, when you leave...Please do not come back. I hope you understand." "Mom!" She trembles hard when I snap. God, she still doesn't get it. This woman is as messed up as I am. Maybe that's why I care about her so much. Maybe in the depths of my soul, it believes that by saving her I'll be saving part of myself. I don't know. I ain't no psychologist after all. "Let me make this as clear as possible for you. I. AM. NOT. LEAVING. YOU!" Her eyes water and I let her go. "I know I'm not really your kid. I said and did some messed up shit. I regret it a lot. I let my feelings overwhelm me in the worst ways. But I want to make it right. I want to earn your forgiveness. I want to earn the right to be your daughter. Will you let me do this after the things I've done? Can you give me another chance, Toriel?" She whimpers. "You...you're really going to stay?" "Yes. I told you before and I'll keep saying it if it helps. I am going to stay with you as long as you'll keep me. I'm not lying. I speak only truth. I am not leaving you. This is my home for as long as you'll have me stay. You will be my mother and I'll be your daughter for as long as you wish it to be so. Please, believe me." {I think you've done it.} She begins to cry, her arms go around me and nearly smother me in a warm healing hug. "Lynsie, my child...Thank you. Forgive me for my earlier behavior. You were right. I was brash, unfeeling, and callous. I am appalled to call myself a mother. I attacked my own child. How are you able to still want to be around me after such happenings?" {Now seal the deal.} "No one is perfect, Nanny. We all make mistakes. It's how we learn from them that makes the difference. We can either learn to do better or end up repeating the same thing again. I can forgive you because I understand why you are the way you are. You have been through so much. You've loved. You've lost. You've tried to help. And yet fate has been so cruel to you. It forced you into this lonely home where all you see is danger outside its walls. You're scared of losing any more of those you end up close to. So you lash out because you don't know how else to respond to those feelings. I can't be mad at you for that." She smiles softly and pets my head. "You truly are a sweet child." "I try." {Thank you.} [YOU WON!] [You earned 0 XP and 0 gold.] Things revert to normal and I help her up to her feet. "Come on, mom. Let's go back upstairs." "Yes. I would like that very much." "Holy cow! You actually did it!" We look over at Flowey. "Crap, we need a new pot for him." "I am sure we can find something for him upstairs." "Do ya mind waiting a little bit down here till we bring back something?" "I don't mind really. It feels nice to let my roots stretch out." We head back upstairs and return to life as before. Toriel is more relaxed now that her fears have been put to rest. I've doubled my efforts around the home to make amends for my actions in the fight we had. I sowed up the cut in her robe, even though she said I didn't have to. But she surprised me by sowing my shirt as well. As if showing the new bound we made, she sowed the symbol on her robes onto my shirt. She tells me it's called the Delta Rune, the emblem of monster kind. I wear it proudly. Chara talks to me more frequently now. Toriel often talks to him too and I have to tell her what he says. She was skeptical at first, hard to imagine a dead kid talking to your adoptive one, but he has me tell her things that only they'd know and it all set in there. The odd thing is that Flowey will talk to him too. The conversations they have, they're so personal. I feel uncomfortable being this third wheel. But the more they all talk, the more I learn about them. Things I won't share with anyone else. Like how Chara tends to call Flowey the name Asriel. I learn from Toriel's chats with him that this was the name of her biological son with none other than King Asgore. Yeah, that was a big fucking bomb drop. Toriel, this lonely hidden away woman, is the Queen to an entire race that is going to try to kill me. Yay! Flowey got his pot replacement so he was able to come into the house again. We still train together, all be it a little intensely. I mean, I'm willing but he's less to do so. My guess is because he's afraid of losing Chara. I hate this feeling. Being a host to someone that others want more than they want me. It's when I have these moments, I go to the lookout of the old city and I talk to Chara. Just us. He's rather understanding. Like he's gone through a lot of the same things I have. I don't pry too much into his past and he doesn't push me on my reasons for trying to die. We are the same in a lot of ways. We both are haunted by the ghosts of our past lives on the surface. He's nice to have around for these chats even if I feel weird about having yet another guy follow me around at times where I'd rather be by myself. But at least Chara agreed to not pop up when I'm in the bathroom. Napstablook on the other hand...well...I have no clue. He's MY buddy. He only comes around for me. That much I enjoy. It feels oddly nice that a dude, even if he's a ghost monster, pays sole attention to me. Makes me feel wanted. And if I have to be girly, as is my gender, it makes me feel pretty too. God, feelings are weird. After the fight, Toriel allows me downstairs now. She still worries about me leaving, but the trust is there that I won't. Flowey and I use the larger space for better workouts. It does pay off in the long run. My stats increase more. I'm now HP 28, ATK 17, and DEF 13. The weird part now out of all this is, the more we train down here, the more I get curious. I'm now tempted to go beyond the door and see what's on the other side.

#undertale #underfell #Lynsie #Anomaly #sans #papyrus #gaster #grillby #grandpa semi #Asriel #asgore #toriel #chara #frisk #mettaton #napstablook #alphys #undyne #flowey

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forgettinggirlinterrpted · 6 years ago

Text

Sunday 5/6

My roommates name is Shauna. She doesn’t flush and when I got here there was what I can only assume were soiled clothes in a brown paper bag.

A woman in the hall is also talking about her shit. I’m the youngest person here and im afraid to shower, there’s no door. The poop lady is cackling.

My roommate and I talked, she’s nice, and I met her night nurse and she is so nice. Her name is Maria.

I’m having a hard time figuring out why I feel like this. Its hard b/c I’ve been hungover but surely that’s not all it is. How do you recover from a hangover so bad you end up in a psych ward?

It weird not having my phone, I want to check twitter. I don’t want to go to group therapy tomorrow.

I just can’t stop crying, my eyes actually hurt.

My mouth tastes bad but I have no toothpaste.

I started reading this book called notorious nineteen and it is truly trash.

I don’t have the lights on bc Shauna’s sleeping- I feel like Mozart.

My eyes hurt, I might go call my dad again to get my moms phone number.

Ill be back.

Got Taylor’s # and called her/my mom. Maria gave me some antihistamines to try to calm me down/sleep.

My sisters want to come visit me on Tuesday.

I’ve only eaten a donut this morning.

There’s a painting of a window that is 100% mocking me.

I’m sweaty.

Some snaps I would be sending if I had my phone

*a pic of the little card that was on my bed when I came in w/ a number on it for housekeeping. Caption idea-

is this a joke?

It’s a work in progress.

*def a snap of me whipping/nay naying to the woman whose been singing in the hall all night (singer)

Shauna is snoring. There’s no joke there but its absolutely worth noting.

I just want to play candy crush.

Monday

(12:30 pmish) I feel like I’m in a dream. I’ve been sleeping all day- it turns out it was only like 3 hours tops.

I had so many dreams.

I just went and talked to a big ass table of doctors about my life and I just feel so groggy. They’re in there talking about me.

I skipped lunch b/c my tummy hurt so bad after breakfast.

Shauna puked everywhere.

I think she’s leaving.

Also turns out she’s in withdrawal AND pregnant.

And she has an infected injection site on her arm.

I just talked to my mom/dad/Taylor and asked them to bring me some books + shirts.

The nice psychiatrist said she would give me some adavan to calm me down. Also I skipped lunch b/c my stomach hurt so bad from breakfast but now I’m hungry so I guess they’re gonna order me something. I feel so weird. (might have napped here)

4ish pm

40 mg stratera (sp?), one mg atavan.

Finally left my room, I’ve been asleep all day.

Nurse went and got me a coke + a water and I saw they’re watching forgetting Sarah Marshall so I thought Id join. Everyone called me out when I came in since ive been hiding out. Bitches.

Movies suggested by the dude I’m watching FSM w/

- assassin’s creed

-Dogma

10 positive ways to describe myself

1. Legs that go up to my asshole

2. College educated

3. Big heart

4. Good sense of humor

5. Love babies

6. Love my friends

7. Good communicator

8. Love the outside

9. Big smile

10. Lovely family

9 positive coping skills

1. Talk to Taylor

2. Going on walks

3. Calling my parents

4. Reading

5. Going to therapy

6. Doing hw

7. Watching movies

8. Candy crush (questionable)

9. Eating veggies

8 things I’ve accomplished

1. College

2. Getting into grad school

3. Learning Spanish

4. Coming to the hospital

5. Making great friends

6. Moving a lot and making it through

7. Driving to SLC

8. Supporting myself (for the most part)

7 healthy things I can do each day

1. Eat well

2. Shower

3. Talk to my friends

4. Not drink

5. Clean my room

6. Clean my clothes

7. Do my hw

6 things I can change

1. My eating habits

2. Drinking

3. Exercising more

4. Getting a routine

5. Whitening my teeth

6. How I see myself

5 things I can’t change

1. How my family acts

2. How my friends act

3. The status of the US public school system

4. The amount of sunlight in my apt

5. My face

4 reasons I can’t give up

1. My family

2. I’m going to change the world

3. My friends

4. My future students

3 places I can get help

1. w/ dr. whose name I can’t remember

2. my apt (Taylor)

3. the hospital

2 people I can really trust

1. Taylor

2. my parents

1 reason I’m here

1. I need to not feel like this anymore

I’m holding myself back from asking why everyone’s here.

Assassin’s creed guy, also known as biting guy (an inside joke from earlier) and sweater girl are talking about if the food delivery guy has extensions.

We got called to dinner, now were finishing Sarah Marshall.

Biter dude told hair guy “nice hair”.

Oh my god, when peter sings about how much he hates himself, biter and white shirt turned to me and said dang sounds like he’s going to be in the room next o me! way to be self aware guys!

Just called my dad to find out about my stuff getting dropped off but turns out he did 2 hours ago and its all been in my room.

I started crying immediately b/c Taylor is amazing- she brought me the perfect books. It was like she was talking to me through the books.

She gave me b Franks autobiography and Jesse Donaldson’s ‘on homesickness’. And the book Amanda gave me. also wuthering heights and pastures of heaven. All so perfect.

Shirts is roasting the shit out of double lasagna (he ate… double the lasagna we all got for dinner).

He keeps saying he looks like he’s about to give birth

“I mean were already in the hospital we just gotta figure out what floor is maternity”

Wuthering Heights

1801- Mr. Lockwood +Heathcliff

Thrushcross Grange

Double lasagna is talking about the last time he had tequila- brother the last time I drank it I ended up here.

What an anecdote.

“they could have stolen my jewelry or even my virginity!” – about the guys who helped when he got too drunk. Double lasagna’s real name is * but he just introduced himself as Dorothy (to hair the night nurse helper).

Fake Abby (biting guy came to my room thinking I was her) is here and shirt just said “you’re awfully quiet” and she rejected him hard. It was awk.

One of the helpers is just chillin in here w/ us while I read my shitty book and we watch “just go w/ it” – its so bad.

One of the nurses (pony tail) just made me go on a walk down the hall w/ him. They all keep asking me how I’m feeling and I keep saying fine but I’m not. As long as I don’t talk I don’t cry. I’m starting to think I want to stay here longer but also leave right away. Its all so confusing.

Double lasagna just asked hair nurse if he could have his phone out of his bag and the way just looked up from his phone and said “nuh uh�� was iconic.

Its 805 pm and I think I’m going see about getting my sleeping pills so I can just crash.

I need to document stuff better tomorrow b/c I don’t like how much of a blur today is.

I finally showered and I feel better I think. I just don’t know what the move is once I get out. Like I don't know how to talk to anyone.

I need Taylor to contact Morgan I think.

I’m sure she’s confused. Or maybe she doesn't care literally at all. Who cares. I’ve been surprised at how easily I’ve been sleeping today especially without my phone and with everything on my mind.

I need a talk therapist like yesterday.

I can’t bring myself to get through any of the books Taylor brought. The 19 book in such trash but it’s easy to read.

The shower needs to be pressed every 45 seconds to say on. I wore shower shoes.

Fake Abby doesn’t know what the move is, I can tell.

I called Taylor + my mom then got snack in my night meds. I mom told me to call back to talk to Mack so I just did. She’s lovely.

Double lasagna somehow talked to snack nurse into giving him a full sandwich. I got a strawberry poptart and a coke.

They’re checking in a new girl now who looks a bit like she’s closer to my age.

I’m happy she’s not my roommate.

I think tomorrow ill try to call family/friends less and trust the process. I need to really take a step back.

I’m just happy I feel comfortable sitting in the sun room. I knew a lot more about movies than they did

Goals for tomorrow-

Check out group

Find rec room/sign my name by Mack’s

Document everything

Keep room clean

They still haven’t cleaned Shauna’s side. Its off putting.

Have I mentioned they check on me every 15 minutes?

Its off putting also.

I wish I had just like some mascara or something. I hate to be that girl but damn.

My mom keeps trying to talk about the funny aspects of this but I can’t say I’m feeling them yet. Today just really was such a blur. I sept a lot then talked to therapists then I think went back to sleep? Then begged for lunch then I think slept? That’s where its fuzzy. Called my fam too much, I need to not tomorrow.

I also want to gain control of tv room tomorrow. Power move!!

Did I mention I called Chelsea? My brain is mush.

- Be more present tomorrow-

- Ask more questions-

be warned: new beginnings are rarely pure, and neither are the men who seek them

On Homesickness pg 23

Scott County

We are homesick most for the places we have never {truly} known

37, Franklin County

Questions to Proteus -> how do I get home? 45, Montgomery County

Tuesday

7:10 am

slept super hard but also had super vivid dreams. Mack and I talked about that last night.

She said she had never brought it up. I was a little restless, prob just bc they were constantly opening my door and eventually just stopped closing it.

I’m just trying to let go of control. I don’t want my phone back. I need to talk to someone about the insane anxiety I feel when I think about home back to the real world.

Even just being in my apartment scares me b/c it feels like its full of negative energy. I need to focus on the good when I get out.

I keep thinking about my phone bill and I can’t remember if I paid for internet. Also the maintenance light is still on in my car.

Even though mom and dad are coming today I need to be communicating less w/ outside world. If I really want to be off the grid I need to really b alone with me thoughts and be okay with it.

I kept feeling for my phone throughout the night.

I wonder what the nurses think of me. do I seem different than everyone else?

I keep finding myself trying to relate to the nurses, esp. the young male one (hair) but what am I trying to prove? That I’m not like everyone here?

Newsflash, asshole, I am

(I’m the asshole)

I need a sharper pencil- do you think a lobotomy joke will be appropriate when I request one orr?

I wonder if Prather has texted me. I’m supposed to sub on the 21st.

Yikes

Not looking forward to checking my bank account. I really spent a lot w/out giving a shit. It was freeing but I also haven’t worked in over a week + a half soooooo.

On homesickness is so dramatic but I love it. Makes me think of Taylor. (bc home, not the drama)

Also I think I’m getting fucking sick. Or, according to Lula (Flula) in 19, I’m getting hospital cooties.

7:27 am

I’m in TV room w/ singer. I asked what we’re watching and she said “some kind of cartoon”. She’s not screaming which is awesome. I’m going to read Wuthering Heights.

Almost 8

Called dad and asked him to bring me a pair of readers since my eyes hurt. Nice nurse #2 is here again. She’s blonde. I haven’t seen Maria again. Met another nurse too. She was young. Also there’s a fake nurse (fake nurses are in teal, like hair, and he real ones are in blue) who I def. know. Cant figure out from where, maybe high school? Either way, not cool with it. Also, they sharpened my pencil.

TIME TBD

Having a hard time focusing on reading. My eyes hut.

I don’t like waiting around.

Is it petty to point out inconsistencies in the rules? There’s different info on different sheets in the packet they gave us. Makes me wonder how closely these patients are reading it. Its all petty though, like whether or not we should take 5 or 10 minutes to use the phone or how many visitors we can have at a time.

I know myself too well, ill be bringing it up. I’m going to check on breakfast.

8:30ish

breakfast was sub par. Sat alone. New girl, sat w/ double lasagna. She only wanted milk so homeboy asked if he could eat hers! Has he learned nothing?? I ate pretty quick; I think I need to go back to sleep. I feel weird.

Time-?

Dr.?? (nice psychiatrist) came in and we talked. Started fine but I got really upset b/c of how much I feel like garbage and I don’t now if I want to be here. But also I don’t want to go back to the real world. She left and I went to go get a visteral 25 mg b/c I’m so upset. They gave it to me and when I got back to my room I 100% had a panic attack.

I felt like I was a kid again. Maybe its b/c I’m here but I’ve never been sure that what it was until now. They happened a lot as a kid and usually ended in my mom holding me and saying everything’s ok. Its so hard not having that now. I left my room and the med student from Sunday was in the hall and he came and talked to me until I calmed down.

With talking to them I finally feel like I’ve been able to verbalize how anxious I feel here along with how I feel about leaving. I just need to rest my eyes for right now, but when I’m up I need to write down what Dr. B said about when I get out.

I miss my parents.

Time unknown

Honestly can’t remember what happened next.

Social worker came in, she’s lovely. Talked a bit then I kept resting.

She gave me some info on how to stay grounded during a panic attack.

Then I think I went to the rec room to do a puzzle but then religion group started. I stuck around but then little dr came to get me and asked if I would meet with big table of doctors even though I hate it.

I did it but it made me upset again. They said they would come talk to me but they haven’t.

I fell asleep again then not Maria nurse came to tell me they’re gonna give me more adavan once my visteral wears off. Fell back asleep then got a drink/ate lunch.

My puzzle got hijacked so I brought a new one into my room. I hit a wall so I stopped to write all this down and go find out what they talked about it my meeting.

I think its around 1 pm.

2pm

Sat and watched how I met your mother for a little. Started crying. Asked a nurse when I was gonna get talked to when little doc came up. they gave me an adavan and now I’m waiting for him to come talk to me. the maid is making up Shauna’s old bed while I sit and cry. Very awk.

I don’t know why I keep crying. I just feel like I’m going to keep having these attacks. I feel so hopeless.

Still sitting here crying. Still no doctor.

My name is Abigail and I am safe. I am in the present and I am safe.

~505

lil doc came to talk to me and I got upset. I don’t understand what my next move is.

Just slept pretty hard until now then got dinner. Going back to sleep is very tempting.

I think I’m allowed another pill. What’s the point?

6:50 pm

I honestly don’t know what I’ve been doing since after dinner. I’ve been doing the puzzle in the TV room. I’ve been watching the office. I asked nice nurse if I could have another pill but she’s pretty sure she cane until its time for bed. My anxiety is pretty high right now my parents will be here in like an hour.

7 pm

officially been hoarding pencils. They say I can have an atavan at 10 pm for bed, but they gave me a V. im wondering if that’s going to help me sleep. They’re going to put me on abilify on top of my startera. I’m hoping they’ll give me some of this visteril to take home in case I start to freak.

Decided that in order to help me not get stressed I want someone to take my phone and ask me one by one about who texted/called/emailed and help me deal with it. Same w/ my bank statement.

I want to say I feel better, but I don’t know. Its just all a blur.

I want to see m parents so I can find out what the move is when I get out. Maybe a meeting with Andrea and social working and one of them would be cool.

I don’t want to get out after Taylor leaves. Fuck.

Double lasagna and biter left.

* is still here, and fake Abby is MIA.

New girl who I don’t know

New guy Brandon- wears vans

And tad who Mack warned me about. Apparently he called 911 on the nurses from the phones.

Bold move.

Fake Abby and I are friends. I think she’s lonely, I know she wants to be my roommate, but I can’t deal with that.

Now I just kill time until mom gets here.

930 ish?

Mom and dad came and I feel a bit better. Mom and I did our crossword puzzle and dad and I figured out grad school. I also had him assure me I don’t need to worry about $ right now.

I asked for a pen but they said no. but I STOLE ONE FROM MY DAD!!

Honestly its low on ink but just having it feels great.

Just called my mom and said goodnight to Mack. I feel ok. Mostly just shook b/c of how much of a dream this all feels like. But I’m ok. Time to crossword and eat my poptart like the star patient I am. And I’m gonna do it in god damn pen!

Goals for tomorrow-

- track when all meds taken

- get better at checking time

8am

slept like shit. But I think I might go home today?! I’m sick so my head fucking hurts. I dontknow what to think. I just want to sleep in my own bed.

11am

talked to dr. B + some of the team and I think I’ll just stay another night. It was hard for me to think of what I wanted to b/c I just woke up. but she made a good point that if I’m sick and drowsy it could be good to stay since they’ll change the time I get the abilify. I don’t know. Just very tired.

1109

Watching fresh prince. Thought there was gonna be group in here, but so far nothing. Fuck this.

Fake Abby told shirt he looks like Carlton and no shit he kind of does. He deadass did the dance while he was walking out. He thinks side burns were cool. Now singer is singing Elvis songs.

Newer girl is even scarier she’s very touchy. Seems like she doesn’t listen.

singer is standing directly in front of the tv. She threatened to fire the nurse that told her to stop.

Shirt is leaving today.

New girl just came in and snatched the stuff out of singer’s hands and then tried to talk to everyone. Now singer is out for blood. New girl is wild.

1140

going to lay in bed until lunch.

~12

slept a little until lunch. Hamburger and a coke.

I’m def staying another night. Thinking of some ideas for pickup since I need someone to go back to my apt w/ me.

I think that’s the move. And then if its horrible I can try to stay somewhere else. I’m thinking of asking my sisters. Idk. Might call some of them now.

I’m really just waiting to get something for my cough.

215

just slept super hard

even denied taking my cough meds so I could sleep more

I finally got into the rec room and unsurprisingly it was a disappointment.

Couldn’t find macks mark so I left.

Gonna go try to get more crossword

255

just called Chelsea, she said she would try to come over after work/talk to liv about doing the same. I just want to take a real shower.

Crazy Tad just said hi to me.

New girl (maid) is asleep sitting up, we’re watching that 70’s show.

My shirt smells like Keenan.

Also its almost snack!

Hmmmmm 4?

took a shower after smashing a poptart. The sheets they gave me to use as a bathmat smells like actual piss and shit- maybe I shouldn’t have wrapped myself in it.

A little before 5

Slept again. Got woken up for dinner. It was ok. God I’m so fucking tired.

I’m glad I’m writing everything down b/c its all such a blur.

Cant remember if I already wrong down that I talked to chels. I want help meal prepping and doing some laundry. Also someone to sleep over. I want my own bed, but I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want my phone. I don’t know what good anyone can do me right now until my meds get figured out. I don’t know!!

I met my new nurse, DD, who said I’m taking my abilify in an hour. Then I want my sleeping pills so I can konk out, ugh.

Time to lay down. Again.

I think I fell asleep again?

Went to get my abilify around 615. Panic attack happened again.

I can’t stop crying and I don’t want to be here anymore w/out talking to someone about all my regrets.

I think more than anything I’m really disappointed with how this whole thing is going down.

Just want to stop crying.

830 pm

calmed down. Kind of okay w/ leaving but also so anxious.

844

Singer has 12 different personalities.

About to go ask for my meds/follow up on what’s up w/ the nurse’s research

9ish

Ate a poptart. Nurse was doing meds so she hasn’t looked into anything. Took 2 hydroxizines (50 mg) + a 3 mg melatonin. Called dad, still not a grad student. Very frustrating. Everything sucks but its ok bc I am Abigail Nash and I am safe in the present. I am not in the past. The present. And there are people that love me.

Thursday

- if… because then

- one day at a time

9 am?

Had breakfast, found out I’m going home today.

Called mom + dad, and mom is gonna pick me up around 5

2 more free meals!

Getting a therapist is going to take a minute but I feel ok about it

Nurse Nadine is so sweet.

These people are getting the wildest thank you cards later.

930

I’m going to get a watch

I don’t like not always knowing the time

That fucking short haired nurse came in again and gave me shit for being in my room

Don’t know her name

But I don’t want to

I’m getting out here short haired lady! And I’m pulling out to win!

I’m getting sleepy, fuck

I have like 8 hours to kill

Soooo

Suddenly now that I know I’m getting out I feel like some kind of bubble has been burst and I feel semi normal

Am I really the Angelina Jolie of this place? Not actually Angelina, but her character from Girl Interrupted?

She’s hot in that too, though.

Final thoughts for now- RIP Brittany Murphy.

925

group- only going because nurse Nadine is leading it.

Tad gave a very sweet little speech about his dad

Grabby girl wouldn’t share, she it nuts

But now miss congeniality is on!!

1055

cute rec therapist let me into the rec room. I wrote

SCABZ

In big letters on the table, and made a picture frame. Also played ping pong with grabby. I’m not even going to go into how that went.

Update: grabby thinks I’m her mom

My best gift:

The gift of travel. Travel in the sense of moving, traveling to see a friend, or a friend traveling to see me. travel has allowed me to maintain friendships w/ people I usually wouldn’t. Another gift coming from travel is my best friend, Taylor who traveled to another state for school, where I met her. And the gift of going to visit my best friend in France a few years ago who I’ve known since I was 9.

~~~~ when the party is at it’s best, it’s time to leave the party ~~~~

- Tad’s ex-father-in-law

almost noon

Tad (ok turns out its not the Tad Mack was talking about) said some really good stuff in group and when he was talking about finding balance I said, “like the yin for your yang?” and he did not know what I was really talking about but it fit into the convo really well. So I started to draw him one and when it was over I gave it to him and he was really touched. I feel really good about it. It sucks I’m just now getting to go to group but I think my meds might be working b/c I haven’t gone back to sleep yet.

Also, they said I could keep 19!

I need to get some books together to donate. And some puzzles.

After lunch

Pulled pork. Singer change the channel on TV to cartoons. I see a nap in my future. Also brushing my teeth.

There’s a new kid, he’s gotta be newly 18 b/c he looks young.

Tried playing monopoly w/ Tad, maid, and new guy, but it devolved.

Thought he was cute but he might be nuts (shocker)

I said he was welcome to my books and he looks a mans search for meaning and I’m about to leave so I don’t think im getting it back.

Amanda wrote a nice note in it. That sucks. I gotta stop being so nice.

I asked them to give me a visterile and they did. I should be ready to rock when mom gets here.

430

did more painting- made a weird sign for door knobs. No sign of homeboy + my book. I kind of don’t want to leave, but I refuse to let myself have fomo in a place like this. Idk what the move is for my book. He better be reading it. I don’t want to leave before dinner so he can at least have a chance to say something to me about it.

Tad is really fun to hang out w/. he is really nice. We talked about grounding during panic attacks and he invited me to play monopoly and we talked about how it sucks that we all just started talking to each other but that’s also prob just a sign that the meds are working.

I saw he put my yin yang in the front of his journal. Very sweet.

This isn’t to say he isn’t totally nuts. Also, young guy said my voice reminded me of “stuff” what the fuck.

Grabber called me mom and tried to give me her hand.

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