#i will not show this to the radiologist

[flock-of-cassowaries]

It’s a damn good thing Hannibal could smell the encephalitis; because there’s no fucking way that scan was worth a goddamn.

[jethroq]

had a really good time at a tiny desk concert tonight. the band is also playing the Jazz club tomorrow, and I’m gonna try drag some people to come, because the music was good and I just want to hang out with people.

[l3irdl3rain]

Merrill update under the cut, it’s long.

TLDR: she is very sick. Many of the things are treatable, but also she has cancer and I won’t put a 20 year old cat through chemo. So far she is showing minimal symptoms (sleeping more, less appetite). I’m hoping we can get the treatable things under control and we’ll have some good time left before the cancer really starts to affect her.

Radiologist said the “mass” that looked like it was on her heart is actually most likely just a bronchial cyst. I would need to go get a CT scan done to know for sure.

It’s not affecting her much yet, she just snores and when we were drawing blood she got a bad attitude and it made her wheezy. We can’t medicate for that yet bc the meds would upset her pancreatitis. So if we get the pancreatitis under control we can start medicating her for that.

Her bloodwork does show that she has some kind of cancer. I’m not going to chase after what kind it is because that would require a bone marrow test. Which is both painful and expensive. I’m not interested in putting a 20 year old cat through chemo, that would just be unfair to her, so ultimately it doesn’t make much of a difference what kind of cancer she actually has. It would just give me an idea of how quickly to expect things to progress. While that would be awesome to know, I don’t think it’s worth putting her through the testing.

We’re going to start by treating all the things we can and monitoring her for signs of any other issues. Definitely not what I was expecting to come from today. I figured there was a chance she’d have something small like hypertension or something, but definitely not for her to be falling apart all at once.

[yakumtsaki]

life update

hey everyone! thank you for all the messages of concern im posting to let u all know im ok!

so i havent been around bc frankly ive been terrible, my beloved cat passed away really suddenly from an embolism and one week after i was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. i just had surgery to remove the thyroid last week, luckily the cancer has not spread to any lymph nodes and the radioactive pill should kill any remaining cancer cells lurking around

the main reason im writing this other than to let you know im fine is to ~inspire~ you guys to go to the dr and do your regular check ups and not neglect your health just because you're young hot and busy

i always begrudgingly went for like 1 blood test every couple years and thought i was covered but it turned out i had fucking cancer and nothing was showing up on the blood tests. like the way i found out is i happened to do the marketing for a radiologist who offered me a free ultrasound check up, otherwise id still be walking around with a ticking time bomb in my throat

so ya thats about it, ill be medical leave/wfh for the foreseeable future so ill prob be around and update unions etc when im feeling more cheery. its been really difficult dealing with this while grieving my cat and not becoming catatonic with depression as a result ngl but im trying to stay positive. i hope all you guys are doing well, much love to everyone and remember to go for your check ups! <3

[lonniemachin]

Mahmoud reached out to me to help share his fundraiser. He is a Palestinian radiologist who is urgently raising money for his wife's uncle Raed's medical treatment and to help his family survive after he lost his job. He has made $0 out of his $50,000 goal! Please share and donate, and if you can't donate, please still share! Let's get this fundraiser going!

Mahmoud's Twitter/X account: @Mah_Nassar92

From Mahmoud's Spotfund:

Hello, how are you ?

My name is Mahmoud Nassar, from Palestine - the West Bank. I work as a radiographic technician at Hebron Governmental Hospital. I would like to present to you a painful story about this young man, who is my wife’s uncle, and I ask you to help him.

 This young man's name is Raed Abu Mufarreh, 44 years old, from the city of Bethlehem in Palestine.  Two years ago, Raed went to Al-Aqsa Mosque in the city of Jerusalem to pray there. During the prayer, a quarrel broke out between Israeli soldiers and one of the worshipers. Because the place was crowded with people, the Israeli soldiers fired rubber bombs at the worshipers, and one of them hit this young man’s eye.  He had nothing to do with the quarrel and was just praying.

 After he was transferred to the nearby hospital, his right eye was removed and he began to see with his left eye only, but after a short period there was a problem with his good eye as a result of the effects of the injury. After presenting his medical reports to local and international hospitals, it became clear that treatment for his eye was only available at Hospital in Russia.

 This man is a father of three children and the sole breadwinner for them. He lost his job in the construction field due to an eye injury.  He cannot now provide the necessities of life for his children, and at the same time he cannot afford the cost of his treatment and travel expenses to Russia.

 Let me show you some pictures of him and his medical reports that show his health condition from the moment of injury until now. I hope that you will support him in bringing him back to life, and help him save the expensive cost of treatment, as your donations will be divided into two parts:

 Part to provide relief to his children and provide them with basic life requirements.

 Another part is to provide treatment for him and to preserve his only eye with which he can see so that he does not lose both eyes.

 Please give this man back some life before he becomes blind.

 There is no life without eyes and no life without hope, and with your efforts hope continues.

 With my sincere love and appreciation to you.

[imagining-in-the-margins]

Wait what's wrong with Maeve and Maxine 😭😭 and I do agree that there's sm off with Garcia in CME

There’s nothing wrong with them, really. If you like them, then power to you. The show is fictional and so are the characters, and I don’t ever recommend that people care as much about prime-time television writing as I do lmao.

That being said, I have a few complaints about Maeve as a character and Maxine as a partner for Spencer. I’ll put them below because it’s a lot.

For starters, Maeve is an awful geneticist. I’m also confused as to what the hell her job is. If you have an understanding of medical science, you know that absolutely no part of their story makes sense unless Maeve is an awful person.

(For the record, I don’t think the writers understand medical science, so this is probably unintentional.)

We’re introduced to Maeve as the woman who cured Spencer’s headaches. When he explains how she did that, the “magical cure” is, in fact, the equivalent of a multivitamin. Setting aside how unlikely it is that none of Spencer’s doctors could identify a very basic nutritional deficiency, it’s absolutely absurd that Maeve would recommend high doses of vitamins to someone who isn’t her patient.

(Is she even a medical doctor. Do we ever get confirmation? You don’t need to be to be a geneticist. I know because I’ve worked for one.)

That leads to the next question. Why the FUCK did she agree to read someone’s brain scans? You are NOT a radiologist and you’re not a neurologist. You have NO idea what you’re doing.

Now we move into her even more serious ethical violations.

Maeve identifies this man who is desperately seeking care for (what appear to be) psychosomatic symptoms as a result of trauma and stress. Instead of, I don’t know, helping him access psychiatric care he clearly needs, she…

That’s right! She starts dating him!

Maeve is a master manipulator. We see it repeatedly. Every time that Spencer begins to open up to her or offer her any vulnerability, she responds by either mocking the things he enjoys or by suddenly freezing him out. The one extended conversation we see between the two of them, Spencer expresses the desire to get to know her better, and once again offers his very specialized assistance in her exact problem.

What does Maeve do in response? She refuses to answer. The call goes silent, and she immediately proceeds to heavily guilt him while he apologizes in excess. She starts to vocally cry, but then immediately stops when he retracts his feelings.

Then, when he is devastated by being rejected, she tells him that she loves him and hangs up the phone.

What?

Then we get introduced to Bobby—the very recent fiancé that Maeve completely refused to mention. We hear from Maeve’s parents that Bobby was “controlling,” but when we see him, and how he interacts with Maeve… he’s completely normal? In fact, he seems genuinely concerned for her safety.

We have no reason to believe Bobby was ever acting against her best interests. She sure didn’t give a shit what happened to him, though, or else she could’ve helped him (and herself) by simply letting the FBI help her with a very basic and unsophisticated stalker that was identified in like five seconds.

Maeve didn’t want help. Maeve didn’t want Spencer to be cured. She wanted him to be available and rely on her because she was bored. She was lonely and she exploited a sick man for company. She left Bobby because she was worried about his safety. Didn’t give a fuck about Spencer’s, though.

I think Spencer knew that, too. Because even in his fantasy of her, he playfully corrects her just for her to shut him down for “arguing” with her. Because he corrected something she said that was literally just wrong.

So, that’s why I hate her.

(Don’t even get me started on how nothing they did made sense to avoid a stalker. You had Spencer call the same number every week on the same time through the same mechanism. Her number. She never changed her number. How many times does the BAU tell us that routine is a stalker’s best friend? Come on, man.)

Moving on to Maxine.

She’s fine. Really, I don’t have any qualms with who she is as a person except for the fact she’s a teacher who hates her job (and her name). You’re telling me this woman who went through school for art history hates children’s art? What?

Also, why are you devaluing children’s art? They’re kids. Are you okay?

The first thing we learn about her is that she’s a teacher, but she hates it because children’s art is lame. So, with a man’s permission (Spencer), she leaves that job to go work for the Smithsonian (Finally! A prestigious enough career for her!).

Setting aside how cringeworthy that notion is, it’s not even the worst part about that storyline.

My problem with her is the way they set up their relationship. Saturday begins with Spencer expressing his (very autistic) concerns about connecting with other people. In response, the psychologist essentially tells him to… just be normal, dude.

That’s when we meet Max, who then spends the rest of their onscreen time together constantly reminding Spencer how fucking weird he is and he should just chill out and be normal.

Pass.

That whole idea of “ommmggg we’re not dating okay it’s super chill and casual 🙄 we’re not dating it’s not even that serious 😒 he’s NOT my boyfriend I don’t want to call him that 😬” is also… not cute. It’s very juvenile and sort of insulting. It always came off to me as her repeatedly saying she doesn’t even really like him that much, she’s just there because the narrative needs her.

Then we get Date Night. What a fucking disaster of an episode. Here, we get to see Cat and Spencer reduced to absolute idiots who randomly believe a basic ass young woman’s super manufactured story about how she murdered someone.

Are you serious? Cat Adams, an actual serial killer, can’t tell when someone isn’t an actual murderer?

SPENCER REID, AN ACTUAL GENIUS AND A DECORATED BEHAVIORAL PROFILER, CAN’T TELL WHEN HIS GIRLFRIEND IS LYING ABOUT BEING A MURDERER?

Of course, we’re meant to believe she’s “just that good,” and also seemingly totally fine under the pressure of her family being kidnapped and potentially murdered.

(Maybe she is a psychopath?)

Her little jokes about Cat as a “mean girl but stabby” are so poorly received in the context of the episode. We have Spencer, still reeling from JJ’s forced confession and the upcoming loss of his mother, lamenting about how he really needs to stop basing his whole identity on the women who love him. Yet, that’s exactly what Max is there for. To be “better than Cat” so he has someone new to attach his mouth to.

(Also, super fucking weird she abandoned her family and kissed him after saying how much he liked kissing Cat, but we’ll move past that.)

Max is a mediocre character and a misogynist’s attempt to make a girlboss. She is also a way for the writers to reinforce that Spencer will only be deserving of love when he stops being so autistic “weird” and learns to just be “normal.”

Spencer frankly deserves better than that. This is why I’ve always loved his love interests like Lila and Austin. They reveled in Spencer’s “weirdness.” They found his real personality charming and cute. They were nice to him because they actually liked him.

So, that’s why I don’t like Maeve and Maxine. Feel free to disagree, but you should probably argue with someone else because I’ve developed my opinion after (too) many rewatches. I don’t see my perspective changing much.

That brings me back to how I started this rant, though. This is a fictional serial television show. It’s not literature to be preserved forever. It’s just our fun little copaganda show, and you can enjoy it however you want! That is your right, and you shouldn’t let me rain on your parade.

Just have fun! That’s what fandom is all about.

[izvmimi]

cw: minors dni!!! THIS IS A REPOST. deku interrupts you at work cuz he’s horny, also tbh this is radiologist!reader lmao, pseudo-domestic violence, car sex, questionable depiction of a medical professional. also i got inspired from a tiktok but i lost the tiktok so idk.

the high-pitched buzz of your phone vibrating on paper disrupts your focus, but to be quite honest, it’s a mental break you’ve needed after trying to figure out a case for the past twenty minutes. flipping it over, you can see a text from izuku on the screen, and you quickly unlock the phone.

i’ll be there in three minutes, can you slip away for a bit?

your eyes widen. it is a little past lunchtime, and as the thought crosses your mind your stomach growls. rising up quickly, you draft your report and call out to your attending who is glued to their own screen in the dark room that you’re taking lunch. she murmurs something in agreement under her breath.

it’s very bright outside in contrast to the reading room, but you make a quick way out to the driveway where patients are unloaded to see where izuku’s parked. he could probably walk (or jump) here but that attracts too much attention, so whenever he does surprise you at work, he shows up in the old SUV you refuse to give up despite the fact that he makes well enough money to upgrade you.

you grin as you see him, running up to the lowered passenger window. he grins as he sees you too - he didn’t work today, so he’s dressed down, although he looks upsettingly good in his simple white spandex t-shirt.

“what’d you bring me?” you say quickly, before even opening the door.

izuku raises his eyebrows.

“myself.” he’s still smiling but you frown and your stomach growls again.

“yourself?” you pout but then you get annoyed. he’s been home all day and you’re starving and he usually brings food if he can and thus food is all you can think of right now, even if you are always glad to see him.

“how long do you have?” he asks, tentatively as he starts the car but doesn’t drive off yet. “i missed you… and you’re coming home late again tonight…”

his hand rests on your knee and by the way he caresses it you can sort of tell already what he wants-

“not long enough if that’s what you’re thinking of,”  you pout. maybe you’re a little bit of a brat, but more childish anger wells up within you.

“you really didn’t bring any food?” you lament.

he chuckles, and drives off as you stare outside the window. it’s only when he makes a right turn off into the parking garage and not onto the main road that you start to wonder what’s going on.

“izuku?”

“indulge me a little bit?” he asks. the car continues to turn up and up and up until you’re basically on the rooftop. blood is starting to rush to your temples.

you turn to him, irritated this time.

“i’m not going to fuck you on my lunch break????”

he laughs then gives you a glance out of the corner of his eye.

“you’re absolutely sure you’re not?”

“izuku!”

“okay how about i do the fucking?” he jokes.

your heart is racing.

“i’m going to punch you and get out of this car if you keep messing with me like this,” your voice is sharp and shrill, and he laughs even harder.

“you’re so cute when you’re upset,” he teases. car now parked in the furthest corner, but uncovered so that it’s bright and the view of the city is the highest from your vantage point, he stops the vehicle and turns to you, pointing to his cheek.

“do it, baby. punch right here, as hard as you can.”

you grimace.

“i’ll do it for real.”

his green eyes gleam and he leans in. “go ahead. i’m giving you permission, sweetheart.”

it’s a small space, but your arm does find a way to draw back and you threaten it. he grins even wider now.

“if you punch me i’ll buy you dinner for real. we’ll have a feast, actually, whatever you want, okay? i dropped the ball. i am a terrible boyfriend, right? i deserve it.”

you hate when he starts like this because he will keep on egging you on, so reluctantly you draw back further and punch him in the face.

he barely moves from the impact and pouts.

“could be better,” he sighs. he takes your wrist before you can draw it back; it really wasn’t a hard punch, but you wanted him to shut up and now your hand stings a little. he can tell with the wince in your face, and kisses your wrist, eyes still focused on you.

your face warms. the close contact always does to you; he knows you too well.

“s-should we really?” you think out loud as he inches closer. he leans back for a moment and watches you carefully. he’s done bothering you at this point you can tell from the suddenly slightly more pensive look in your eyes.

“okay, you’re right that i missed you and didn’t think, just got in the car, so i’m sorry about that,” he murmurs. biting his lip, he rubs your hand in his lap.

a few moments pass, and you give in. you sigh and kiss him on the cheek.

“i missed you, too.”

you ponder for a moment long, and then kiss him on the lips.

who cares if it’s midday and you’re on the clock?

izuku knows what you’re thinking the moment your lips meet his, and his tongue is in your mouth instantly. in a practiced and thus fluid motion, he pulls the seat back while pulling you on top of him as you climb over the car console. your mouths connect and disconnect and his hand unravels your scrub top tucked into your pants and moves upwards to cup a breast. the kiss deepens and you moan into his mouth as his fingers toy with a pebbled nipple. your bodies start to rock together, and you forget that there’s a medical mystery you haven’t yet solved and you’re hungry and tired and still have 8 hours of work left, but regardless, you let yourself sink into your pro hero partner’s arms. he kisses your face and your neck, sucking gently down to the space between your breasts. you raise your hips, and the hard cock that’s been poking between your legs as you straddle him makes an appearance.

will you have time to clean up afterwards?

either way, you sink down onto his cock and soon your car is moving violently as izuku thrusts up and down and up and down and you throw it right back at him.

you can hear him moan as his fingers tighten around your hips but you’re still much, much louder. the sun is beating down and there’s even more heat in the car as you become sweatier through loosened clothing. izuku fills your appetite in another way, you have to admit.

always.

—

“did you change your scrubs?” your attending asks as you rush back to your desk nearly an hour later.

you stumble a bit as you barrel past, and thank the heavens that reading rooms are always dark.

“yeah, i spilled some soup so went to the call room and changed.”

“oh, that sucks. hey, i took over that draft for you. good job on that case, you were on the right track.”

“ah, yes.”

your stomach is still growling, but you have excellent dinner plans to look forward to at 8.

and maybe you’ll be fed again, a different way.

[stari-hun]

More No Storm but Vertin has a Time Traveling Arcanum Content

Inaccurately Named Modern AU

* Apeiron + Vilasong

I think with like knowledge and math becoming more accessible sooo many people in Apeiron would go to the outside world to share their knowledge because 77 (37s mom) showed that even the people most faithful to their school of thought are interested in calculation machines. Give them Mathway.com and people would lose their minds.

6 would be a professional gamer. In fact he’d take so well to modern society that he’d be one of those people thriving in the 2020 lockdown and being away from Apeiron. Afterwards he’d also recover fast and put daily walks into his schedule or something cause he knows how badly his physical would’ve gotten. 6 would have an Instagram that’s the weirdest thing ever. People use it as inspiration for arg characters because he unintentionally posts with the vibe of someone extremely inhuman, and even though with the internet most humans would be aware of nonhuman arcanist they’d still be like what… There’s several video essays breaking down theories on who or what he might be. On the other side his posts are all pictures of objects he sees on daily walks that he sees have interesting dimensions to them or placement in a scene. The issue is that he doesn’t give any preamble or context to his math like 210 who wants to share math with the world would, or 37 who genuinely wants to teach, he just drops it in the caption and closes the app. He’d also have a YouTube explaining how he wins matches with others and insane speedrun content and how he beats games in under three minutes in extremely stupid calculations and exploits. His uploads are once in a blue moon but he’s a really popular faceless YouTuber (unlike 37 he reads comments and thinks about the questions he gets a lot, and even answers them in other videos). Also his like daily wanderings until he wants to go back home and risk interaction with others.

37 would get ahold of the internet like fish to water. She’d be an early YouTuber on 6’s recommendation and get super popular without realizing it. Her upload schedule is a “think of something start recording it and post with little to no editing” kinda style that for her ends up being 6-12 videos per week. 37 probably wouldn’t even realize there’s a comment section but Sophia knows it. Sometimes she’ll relay the comments to her from fans if they’re questions or constructive, but she mostly keeps them for herself because she’s happy 37 is branching out even if she isn’t entirely meaning too. I think 37’s content is a personality type. She’s giving constructive lessons that are informative but her personality and voice made her gain an audience mostly there to listen to her as background noise while she does homework. She does have a very loyal core audience of economists and radiologists since the topic she circles back around to the most is patterns in the weather and how they can be applied to daily life. Her most viewed video would be a super complicated explanation on how to predict when the next storm will happen in your area, and the top comment is a link to a website where someone made it into a calculator (it works with like a 5% chance of error). Also fun fact Vertin tried to use it once and the website was down for a week after she tried it. Sophia would have more kids centered content. Her follower base would mostly be parents who sit their kids in front of an iPad during work, but heavily monitoring their internet use and want them to watch content that’s good for them. She’d be faceless but unintentionally blow up super hard for story reading content, and her process for making up original stories. Afterwards she’d take a huge social media break entirely, only helping 37 with hers before slowly going back to her usual audiobook content with locked comments.

On that note, it’s slightlyyyy canon based, but I also think 210 would become good friends with Sweetheart after the island opened up and he reached out to her through Pandora to be their liaison. They’d do a ton of promotions and fashion statements. 210 already has an established interest in beauty, arts, and how they tie to math, and Sweetheart as a person who’s mathematically perfect would be his best excuse to study arts. Then Sweetheart would enjoy the company of any asexual, especially if they’re good for her image, and 210 is genuinely there to vibe and enjoy the beauty of the world. I also feel like he’d have one of those instagrams where he’s super popular for his looks but vast majority of his posts are sky pics and pictures of flora he sees.

I think in the story Sweetheart and Pandora are already on pretty good terms but I think in a Modern!Twist AU Pandora would be even more active in her writing. I think she’d have a small but famous journalism company where she employs only those she deems have a fresh perspective in a way she can’t supply. I talk about it in my other post, but Marcus interns there after getting an associates degree journalism during her dual enrollment and finishing Highschool. 210 and her run top series in UTTU for numbers and art analysis in a way people hadn’t thought of before, and Marcus runs a deep dive on historical spaces and the hidden stories within them.

UTTU would sometimes have interview segments where guest slots of an employee’s choosing (approved of by Pandora) will get a special feature. Windsong is the most reoccurring interviewee alongside Vila for research papers in ley lines and ecosystem observations respectively. Both are very popular features every time due to how they provide perspective on Marcus’ and 210’s segments.

[ladylooch]

The Spiral [Lio Meier] - Part 4

A/N: One more part after this! things are starting to turn around for our Lio 🤭

Word Count: 5.3k

Warnings: allergic reaction, lots of medical talk, angst, childhood trauma themes

ICYMI Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

The morning after his concussion, Lio thinks it would have been better to have been crushed by a garbage truck. His head hurts so bad, worse than any hangover headache or migraine he’s had in his life. But worse than that is the fog that has settled into his brain. Details of last night are fuzzy- the game, Lucie, their conversation. He thinks things are better, but is worried about facing her this morning.

He rolls over to his back, tentatively opening his eyes. The world doesn’t swirl like it had been last night. But he feels like the front of his forehead is going to explode off from the pressure. Is that normal? Fuck.

Slowly, Lio adjusts his position to sit up. The smell of something baking hits his nose. He smiles. Lucie is still here. It takes awhile before Lio can get out of bed, changed, and hit the bathroom. By the time he is done with that, he feels like he could go back to sleep. Instead, he drags himself towards the kitchen. Lucie is at the stove, a large stack of pancakes to her left. As he gets closer, he can see the rainbow sprinkles poking out of the cakes.

“Lucie pancakes.” He chuckles, approaching her.

“They still hit even as an adult.” She shrugs.

“Doesn’t Stell think these are her creation?”

“Yeah because of her dad.” Lucie rolls her eyes. “Connor thinks she created everything, even though I made these all the time when I was pregnant with her.”

“So he thinks because she was there, she made them?”

“He thinks she created the craving for me, so it’s from her.” 

“Your mom could set that straight.”

“Mmm, I don’t think anyone can set that man straight about his sweet girl.” Lucie takes off two more pancakes. “Sit down and eat. You look awful.”

“Thanks.” Lio mumbles, resting his head delicately in his palm. He sets his elbow on the counter watching as Lucie slaps two pancakes on his plate. “Still hate syrup?”

“Yep.” Lio confirms, picking up his fork to cut into a pancake.

“I heard from Ben. He wanted you to check in when you got up.” Lio nods, grabbing his phone.

While he eats small bites, him and Ben talk about how Lio is feeling. Ben is concerned about the intensity of Lio’s headache. He wants him to go to the hospital for a CT scan. 

“Can you send a car? Lucie needs to go home to her family.” 

“No, I can take you.” She says, waving away his worries. “Con is taking Stell to the rink for practice. She is loving her mommy-free life right now.” Ben and Lio chat more. The team doctor is going to meet them at the hospital and they will know more after the imaging is processed.

Lucie and Lio finish breakfast, then head into Newark. Lucie waits while Lio is being scanned and afterwards while they wait for the radiologist to do a quick read. Everything looks good. Lio’s brain isn’t showing any damage, but he does have one hell of a concussion. The news is good. Lio feels like he can breathe and be more at peace with where he is at.

“You’re going to have to take it easy.” The doctor reminds him. “At least two weeks before you do any exercise.” Lio agrees. He can’t imagine getting on the ice right now with how shitty he feels.

“Is it okay if I drop you off and head out?” Lucie asks Lio when they are back in the car. “Connor is going to the Children’s Hospital to see some of his kiddos. I need to get home before he leaves again.” 

“Yeah, I will be fine. Thank you for staying with me. And.. um tell Connor thanks too. I appreciate it. Know he isn’t my biggest fan.”

Lucie drops Lio in front of his building, then heads back towards her city. Lio’s doorman greets him warmly, opening the big door for him.

“Thanks, Charlie.” 

“Tough one last night, Mr. Meier.”

“Hey, boys pulled out the win tho.” Lio waves as he walks through.

“Your mama is waiting for you in your apartment. She was mighty frazzled this morning.” Lio stops in his tracks. There are two people who have unlimited access to his apartment besides him. One just dropped him off. The other lives in Switzerland. 

“Ah, thanks. Moms…” Lio trails off with a shrug. 

Lio seriously contemplates sprinting out of his building. Doctor’s orders be damned. The only woman to ever love him unconditionally is upstairs and he is not ready to face her. Not ready to see her after the horrible things he said to her. Not ready to face his own shame and self-hatred. It’s why he left Switzerland without seeing her even after telling his dad he wouldn’t do that. He doesn’t deserve her or her love. 

But she is here. Already. He knows how many hoops she must have jumped through to get to him. He senses his dad’s involvement as well. The strings Timo Meier would have pulled for her are unlimited. So Lio Meier gets into the elevator and rises the 6 floors to his awaiting fate. Outside his apartment door, he takes a deep breath, then puts his key in the lock. He pushes the door open, not seeing her on the couch like he expected. 

“Mama?” He calls into the apartment. 

“Lee?” He hears her call from deep inside. She comes rushing out of his room. With zero hesitation, she grabs him and wraps him into her body for a hug. “Oh” She sighs, holding his head against hers. She sucks in a deep breath then lets out a relieved sigh at having him close to her. “Are you okay?” Her brown eyes are deeply pained. Lio closes his eyes, unable to see more. 

“Um, well, I guess but also no. What are you doing?”

“Your laundry.”

“Of course.” He chuckles, shaking his head. He has been grown for awhile, but she still insists on taking care of him. It makes Lio less worried for whatever is to come.

“Well, I was very anxious waiting for you. I had to do something.” She insists, waving a hand in front of her face. “Now, go sit down. I have lemon water, hot oatmeal and toast ready for you.” She gently guides him forward. “And vitamins. You need extra nutrients to get better.”

“Mama.” Lio sighs when she turns to head back to the kitchen. He feels like such a piece of shit with how she is jumping right in to take care of him. The undeserving suffocates him, tightening his throat until he struggles to breathe. “Don’t do this.” He finally chokes out. “Don’t double down and love me harder right now.”

“Lee.” Emma comes back to him, putting her hands on his cheeks. She kisses his forehead, right over where his head aches so badly. “I am never going to stop loving you hard or taking care of you. I’m your mother.” She runs her fingers through his hair, then moves back into the kitchen. His blue eyes follow her.

“Is dad here?”

“Yes, of course. Boys are with Uncle Neeks and Auntie Lex, but Livy is coming this weekend.”

“You both didn’t have to come and Liv needs to stay in California. She has school.”

“Mmm, but we did.” Emma looks over her shoulder at him. “We needed to see that you were going to be okay.”

“Dad isn’t here now?” Lio looks down the hall towards his bedroom.

“No, we felt like it’s you and I that need to talk. Not the three of us.” Lio looks away. “Don’t be mad at daddy. It was me. He didn’t want to do it.” Lio’s blue eyes find her again in the kitchen.

“You don’t get to tell me to not be mad at him.” He whispers.

“Probably not. But I love your dad very much and if I can save him from your wrath, I want to.” 

Lio goes to the couch, sitting down, laying his head back on the top. He is exhausted from his morning. He feels the air of his mom coming around the couch. She puts her hand on his forehead, smoothing the wrinkle of distress there. 

“What’s the news?”

“Concussion.” Lio mumbles. 

“Is your brain okay?”

“Yes.” Emma sighs in obvious relief. Her hand drops to his shoulder. She strokes her hand there, quietly contemplating where to go next. When Lio opens his eyes, she begins.

“Lio, daddy and I love you more than I even know how to say. I never thought I would have to find words to express how much and I’m deeply sorry that you’ve been so hurt.” She sighs, running her hand through her hair, then looking out the floor to ceiling windows to the city. His apartment is only a few blocks from where her and Timo lived when she was pregnant with Lio. That feels like so long ago, but she tries to go back to who she was then to give Lio more insight into their life.

“I was the one who wanted to fudge your story. I know daddy told you that this summer, but he doesn’t know all of the things that went into that. You and I had experiences when you were a baby that made me feel very protective of you. People judged. They were horrible and social media made our life so accessible, even as Daddy and I tried to hide you. But this was never because we were ashamed or didn’t love you.” Disgust and substantial disagreement scrunches Emma’s nose. “It was the exact opposite.” Emma puts her hands on her cheeks for a moment, then continues.

“When you were 10 months old, the Devils were playing in the Eastern Conference finals. Daddy was hurt. He was playing through it as he always does, so he wasn’t performing very well. People were upset.” Lio watches his mom become increasingly uncomfortable. “You and I were out at a store after the Devils went down in the series. There was an incident in public where someone came up to you, a little baby, and called you that name…” Emma closes her eyes. “They went on to literally blamed the entire playoff situation on the fact that you were born out of wedlock. Daddy’s play as well. We were being punished for our sin of having you.”

Lio can see how much this still hurts his mom decades later.

“I’m sorry, mom.” He says sincerely. 

“That person got to me.” Emma shakes her head. “I felt you deserved a better story. A more picture perfect story because of how much joy and purpose you brought to our lives. I..” She sighs. “I felt like we ruined your childhood before it had even really begun. I tried to fix it the way I knew how. Instead I hurt you.” 

“But Lio, please know, I have loved you since the moment I knew of you even when I was crying on a bathroom floor. I didn’t know what to do, but I knew I had to figure it out for you. When I got up off that tile, whatever decision daddy wanted wasn’t going to shake my decision. You were coming because I wanted you. It would be me and you against the world.” Emma stops, looking at him, then she chuckles. “But daddy wasn’t going anywhere. He was all in. He loved us so much. You’ve seen the videos from when I was pregnant with you. Nothing about that was forced.”

Lio remembers the one of his dad laughing hard as a three week old Lio tried to latch onto Timo’s big chest. The pictures of him on the ice at The Rock for the first time in skates that looked massive on his feet. Tons of videos of Lio and Timo napping together the year of the Devils first cup run. He looks across his apartment at a picture of his parents and him with the cup. It was only Lio and them at that time. Well, his mom was pregnant with Livy, but they barely knew that. Although the most difficult to win trophy in sports is right there, his dad’s hands are on a young Lio, engulfing him and his mom in his sweaty equipment.

“It felt like a lie.” Lio hears himself say. He gestures to the picture. Emma follows his gaze. “Like it looked like that. But then you and dad would make a comment about wanting me so bad you couldn’t wait and my whole life felt like a lie.” Emma swallows hard, nodding.

“I see that now, Lee. I’m very sorry. But that was real. That was our life, baby.” She reaches for his hand.

“It hurt me.” He whispers. Emma winces, then runs her hand up his arm to squeeze his shoulder.

“I know. I am so sorry. I hope you can forgive me.” Emma purses her lips together, then looks at Lio with tears in her eyes. She brushes her thumb over the hairs behind his ear. “So loved. So wanted. Never a mistake.” Lio nods, then reaches to hug her. They hold one another tightly. 

“Love you, mama.” Lio inhales heavily. “I can see how you wanted to protect me.” 

“I love you, Lee. So much sweet boy.” When they pull apart, Emma stands to grab Lio more water, then comes back to the couch.

“She wasn’t even pregnant.” Lio confesses. “False positive.” 

“Oh.” Emma blinks. This is the first time she is hearing this. “How does that make you feel?”

“Relieved.” Lio answers honestly. “More than any of the other reasons I said this summer… I just don’t want kids, mama.”  Emma nods. She has suspected so for awhile. 

“It’s your life. You get to decide. But you need to be more careful because at some point, it becomes not your choice.” 

“Kay, pot.” Lio jokes with a light-hearted smirk. Emma tisks, chuckling and smacking Lio’s leg.

“Don’t slut shame your mother. You didn’t see how good James Bond looked that night.”

- - -

A brisk and skin drying wind has picked up on the East coast in the middle of November. Old man winter is roaring its way to the East coast with a winter storm warning in effect beginning tomorrow. With the impending weather, things are sure to get dicey in the booming metropolis of New York City. Despite the lingering effects of his concussion agitating him today, Lio is currently being dragged from room to room in the Bubble Planet by Stella Wood.

“This way! This way!” She yells, struggling to pull his heavy weight with her little body.

“Stell, I’m coming. Just chill.” He laughs.

“She doesn’t know that word. She’s three.” Lucie jokes back to him. 

They weave through room after room, each one more exciting than the last. Stella is having the time of her life, especially when she is on Lio’s shoulders, getting to touch the bubbles falling from the ceiling.

“Mama, this is the best day! I wish daddy could come!” Lucie and Lio avoid looking at each other, just like they avoid the giant elephant that is Connor Wood between them.

Although Lucie and Connor have discussed more about what happened this summer, he is not ready to move on. It got particularly heated when Lucie asked if Stella could see Lio. Connor questioned Lucie’s motives, worried about the implications and confusion Stella would have about Connor not being there. These were fair and valid points, but her inquisitiveness hurt less than her tears about missing Lio.

“Baby, you do what you need to do, but I’m not interested in spending time with him or fixing this. I’ve made concessions along the way. This is where I am at. Stell stays here with me.” 

Lucie respected that. She dropped it completely. But suddenly the next morning, Connor had given her quiet permission for her to bring Stella to breakfast with Lio. That was a month ago. Connor heads to the rink on days when his girls are meeting up with Lio, always having an excuse about training or treatment or nutrition. Lucie kisses him extra hard on those days, wanting him to know she loves him deeply and understands so much of this is difficult for them.

Now, as she watches Stella up on Lio’s shoulders, all she can fathom is the immense hole Connor’s absence brings. 

“Baby, are you getting hungry?” Lucie asks her daughter as they bop out onto the New York avenue.

“Yeah.”

“What do you want?”

“Mac and cheese!”

“You had that for dinner last night.” Lucie laughs.

“She is a good Swiss girl!” Lio nods approvingly. 

“Her favorite is Kraft.” Lucie points out.

“We’ll work on it. She’s three, ya know.” He jostles Lucie’s shoulder, then immediately regrets it at the way the world swirls upright for a minute. “Oof.” He rubs at his temples.

“Careful, Lee. No setbacks.” Lucie cautions, gripping his shoulder.

The three of them head a few blocks down to a diner, settling into a red booth with huge, plastic menus and a coloring page for Stella. Lio sits on her side of the booth, taking turns coloring a troll in a field of daisy. 

“Not pink!” Stella scrunches her nose, pushing Lio’s hand away.

“What? You said I could pick any color.”

“Yeah, any one but pink.”

“You love pink?”

“When I was two.”

Lucie and Lio both snort, attempting to pursue their lips to keep their laughter in. Stella Wood is an absolute hoot. 

“Can I share a milkshake with you?” Lucia asks Lio.

“I was gonna share with Stell.” 

“Oh, I see how it is.” She raises her eyebrows then looks away with a smirk at her menu. She decides on a simple Strawberry shake. “Stell, do you want to share with uncle Lee?”

“Yeah.” 

“Which flavor?”

“Reese’s! His favorite!” 

“No, you can’t have those, baby. You’re allergic to peanuts.”

“No peanuts in there?”

“Yes, there is peanut butter.” Lucie calmly reminds her.

“Sorry, Uncle Lee. I get sick.” She pats her little pot belly. 

“It’s okay. I was thinking chocolate.”

“Oh yes.” The little girl sighs happily.

The waitress comes and takes their orders. The adults grab cheeseburgers with fries while Stella happily exclaims she needs Mac and Cheese. The waitress practically swoons out of her Keds at how sweetly Stella thanks her for going to get their food. More coloring is done and a quick few games of hangman using three letter words like cat and dog and hat. Stella is getting so good at her ABCs. The milkshakes come out first. Stella watches in awe as the shake is split between two cups for her and her uncle.

“You gonna be able to finish that?” Lio asks. 

“Mhm.” Stella nods enthusiastically. With one hand she grabs the glass while the other helps her balance on the table top. She sucks up the milkshake quickly, then sputters, coughing. 

“Oh, that was a big sip. It’s cold, huh?” Lucie chuckles, handing Stella her water glass. She holds it up to the little girl’s lips for a sip.

“Ah!” She exclaims. “Mmmm.” She sucks up more of the thick liquid. Lio and Lucie chuckle, watching Stella enjoy her ice cream. Lio leans back farther in the booth, looking across the table at his cousin.

“I’ve had so much fun with you today. I missed this.”

“Me too.” Lucie murmur. Stella coughs again, loudly, then seems to gag. Stella sits up straighter, looking Lucie in the eyes with wide orbs. “Are you okay, baby?” Lucie straightens. Lio sits up as well, reaching out for Stella. She makes a wheezing noise, then sticks her tongue out. 

“Oh my god. Stell?” Lucie covers her mouth, watching a red, angry rash begin to form on Stella’s face. Lio grabs Stella as she begins to sway backward.

“She is very warm.”

“What is going on?” Lucie whispers, she looks around the table then she smells it, the faintest whiff of peanut butter coming from the ice cream in the glass Stella was drinking. “Oh my god. Peanut butter.” She reaches for her purse, fumbling around. “Um.. ohmygod.”

“Do you have an Epipen?”

“Um.” She nods vigorously, beginning to pant herself. Her stomach tightens, fear dashes down her spine. She rips her hands through the contents of her purse, looking for the injection she always carries with her since the first reaction Stella had a few months ago in Switzerland. But it wasn’t like this. It was nothing close to this. 

“Luc, come on.” Lio calls to his cousin, picking up Stella into his arms. “You’re okay, baby. It’s okay!” He tries for a cheery voice as Stella being to sob. “Luc, dump the purse out.” Lucie picks the bag up, emptying it from the handles. Lio sees the EpiPen immediately, tossing the cap off hastily. He does the injection, pausing to watch Stella’s reaction. Her wheezing gets tighter, but she can no longer speak to him or even cry. Lio’s heart is racing in his chest as he watches her struggle.

“Do you have another one?”

“No! It’s with Connor at home.” She shakes her head frantically. “Oh my god. Someone call an ambulance!” Lucie sobs out to the restaurant. In the haste of dumping her purse out, her phone fell underneath the booth. But she is frozen in paralysis. She can’t move. She can’t breathe. She is forced to watch her baby struggle.

Adrenaline takes over Lio like he was injected with the epinephrine. He calculates out where they are in the city, the amount of time it will take for an ambulance to get there and he knows Stella’s chances of making it are slim with how much she is struggling even after her first injection. He has seen this before with a kid in school when they still lived in Jersey. 

“There isn’t time for the ambulance. I’m taking her to Children’s.” The hospital is at the end of the three blocks they walked from Bubble Planet, close to Lucie’s car. Lio secures Stella to his chest and begins to run from the restaurant. He leaves Lucie at the table to scramble her things back into her bag. He runs as fast as his body will go. Stella jostles against his shoulder, going limper and limper and Lio quite literally races against time. 

“You’re going to be okay, Stell. it’s going to be okay. I won’t let anything happen to you.” He promises the little girl in his arms. 

Tears blur his vision. His concussion rears it’s ugly head, pulsing against his temples and making the sidewalk shift with his blurred vision. He can’t let that stop him. Stella needs him. He pushes his injured and weak body to go harder the next block, dodging pedestrians and cabs in walk ways and dogs on leashes. He hits the emergency entrance of the hospital, screaming for help. 

“Help! Please! My nieces is going into shock! She was exposed to peanuts!” Nurses swarm him, snatching Stell immediately and taking over. 

“Did you give her Epinephrine?”

“How was she exposed?”

“Is this her first exposure?”

Lio answers the questions as best he can. Yes, ingested and no. He looks over his shoulder, wondering when he can expect to see Lucie. But then they are taking Stella away on her bed. Another nurse holds him back as they rush down the hall with her. 

“Sir, I need you to wait in the lobby.”

She is right. He needs to wait for Lucie anyway. But that doesn’t make it easier to turn around. He heads to the doors he just sprinted through, avoiding the gazes of curious onlookers. He walks outside into the cold air. His chest tightens immediately and he turns to the side, looking for something he can vomit into. But then he sees Lucie Wood, rushing down the sidewalk, clutching her purse to her chest, sobbing so loud he can hear every inhale and exhale of her shaking body.

“Luc, they’ve got her.” Lio calls to her. He opens his arms up and Lucie collapses into his body. His shirt is immediately wet from her face. Large hiccups shudder her frame against him. He squeezes her tight, smoothing her hair down. “It’s going to be okay.” Lio whispers to her, hoping that maybe if they chant that together, it will make it real.

Several minutes pass. Lucie continues to sob into Lio’s body, even after he moves her inside to get out of the wind. The doctors come out looking for him, finding him and Lucie together. Stella is stable. They can go see her, but she will need to stay for several hours for monitoring as they had to give her two more injections. Lucie heads right into her daughter’s room, curling up with the little girl who looks drugged and exhausted in the center.

“Mama is here. You’re okay.” She cries to her daughter. Stella is upset and shaken from the ordeal. She clings to Lucie like a monkey, balling her shirt up in her little fists. 

“LuLu, do you want me to call Connor?”

“Yes.” Lucie whispers, barely able to get the word out of her shaking lips. She reaches into the back pocket of her jeans, handing her phone to him. “If you call he won’t answer.” She says simply. Lio tries to brush that off like it doesn’t hurt, but it stings as bad as the wind biting his cheeks during his sprint to the hospital. 

Lio takes a deep breath, then clicks on Connor’s contact. His heart is pounding in his chest like he’s about to take a face-off in the final minute of a trailing game. He licks his lips, leaning agains the wall, waiting on the call to connect.

“Hey baby! I’m just about to leave.”

“Ah.” Lio coughs. “Hey, it’s Lio.”

Silence.

“Where is Lucie?” A definite snap tightens the words through the line. 

“She’s with Stella. She asked me to call you and tell you what is going on.”

“What? Are they okay? What..” 

“Lucie is okay.” Lio starts.

“Stell? Whats wrong with her!?” Connor’s voice is beginning to escalate. “What did you do, Lio?” Connor snaps. Lio closes his eyes. 

“I didn’t do anything. It was a mistake at the restaurant.”

“Fuck!” Connor yells. “Where are you?”

“At Children’s hospital off 34th.”

“You have to tell me what happened, Lio.”

“I’m trying to, but you’re not letting me get much out here, man.” Connor sighs. Lio takes his silence as compliance. “We were out grabbing lunch and she had an allergic reaction and we had to bring her to the hospital. Her Epipen wasn’t enough.”

“Fuck, I have the second one. We usually have the two together, but Lucie and I had plans the other night and…” Connor’s voice is distraught.

“It happens. But you should get down here. They need you.”

“I’m on my way.” 

Lio removes the phone from his ear, looking at the lock screen of Lucie, Connor and Stella. Lio took that photo of them this summer in Switzerland, before everything happened. He sighs heavily, then comes back into the room.

“Connor is coming.” Lio assures Lucie. She doesn’t take her crying eyes off the little girl in her arms. She sniffs and nods in acknowledgement, continuing to touch her daughter’s face soothingly. Lio can’t tell if it’s for Stella or Lucie.

Connor Wood arrives thirty minutes later with squeaking sneakers on the tile floor of the hospital hallway. Lucie and Stella are dozing in an overwhelmed sleep. Lio sits in the chair next to them with one hand on Stella, rubbing her arm. Lucie’s hand clings to his wrist, needing comfort in one of the worst moments of her life. 

“I’m a terrible mom.” She had told Lio tearfully.

“You’re not. It was scary.” 

“What if you weren’t there?”

“It doesn’t matter. I was.”

“Luc! Stell!” Connor rushes into the room then locks in on Lio. He shifts his worried eyes to the bed, seeing Lucie and Stella curled together. His lips pull into a deep frown, then his eyes seemingly dim when he takes in Lio in the place he should be.

“They’re resting, Lucie is pretty upset.” Lio says as he slowly works his wrist out of Lucie’s grasp. “I’m sorry, I know you don’t want to see me. I’ll leave now, I just didn’t want to leave the girls alone before you got here.”

“What happened?” Connor asks. Lio can see the way his chest rapidly raises and falls beneath the Rangers logo on his chest.

“Stella somehow got a peanut butter shake at the diner. Wrong order. She had some and started having a severe reaction.” Connor’s face gets ghostly pale. He puts his hand on his head over his blue hat, waiting for more. “Um, Luc, She… she panicked. It was all scary. Truly awful. But I gave Stell the injection, but it didn’t do enough. She became mostly unresponsive.” Connor closes his eyes, bringing his hands to his face in anguish. “There wasn’t time to wait for help, so I grabbed Stella and ran here with her.” 

“You ran?”

“Yeah. Stell didn’t have time.” Lio reiterates. If he is mad at Lio for that, then so be it. Maybe it was reckless, but Lio had to make a judgement call and Stell is going to be okay because of it. Connor stares at Lio. Then suddenly he steps forward around the bed. Lio stands up taller, preparing for anything. Connor wraps an arm around Lio’s shoulders to bring him into his body. Lio brings his hands up, clasping Connor’s back as they share a deep, sincere hug. 

“Thank you.” Connor whispers, tears coating his voice. Lio squeezes Connor tighter, not wanting to let go of his best friend. Suddenly, it hits Lio. How close they were to losing Stell. How dire she had looked when he ran through the doors of the ER. How Lucie had every right to be that terrified at the table. It had been bad. Horrible. Worst case scenario. 

Lio can’t help it. He begins to sob. Everything that has happened the last few months weeps out of him. From losing Savannah, to screaming at his parents, to only having his little sister, to losing the three people in this room with him. His concussion… almost losing Stella on that New York street.

“It’s okay, Lee. She’s going to be okay.” Connor puts his hand on Lio’s head. “You saved our girl.” Lio nods, shuddering as he pulls away. Both men wipe their faces with their hands, then look over to the two girls laying in the bed. Stella has a sleepy grin on her face, watching them.

“Daddy!” She giggles, reaching out to him, flexing and unflexing her fingers for him to come closer.

“Hi baby.” Connor smiles brightly, leaning down to kiss her cheeks. “Can I lay with you and mama?” 

“Yeah.” Stella yawns as she says the word. 

“Sleepy.” Connor chuckles, kissing her again. He curls her and Lucie into his body, trying to be careful not to wake his wife. Lucie jolts up at the feeling of his hands on her. “Me, Luc. It’s me.” She visibly relaxes when she sees her husband. “I’m here.” He brushes her cheek with his thumb. 

Lio watches from the end of the bed, then anxiously rubs at his forehead. He clears his throat, stuffing his hands into his pockets.

“Um, well I’ll head out so you all can be together.”

“No, don’t go.” Lucie shakes her head. 

“It’s okay, Luc. I’ll see you later.” 

“You should stay with us.” Connor says softly. “We want you here.” The insinuation of the we has the corners of Lio’s mouth sliding up.

Lio makes his way back to the chair by the bedside, sitting down in it. Him and Connor share a look of understanding. Lucie trails her nails along Stella’s back as another big yawn stretches her little mouth. 

“Uncle Lee?” Stella murmurs.

“Hm?”

“You gonna be here when I wake up?”

“Yeah, Stell.” He sighs. “I’ll be right here.”

[zayndrivesmeinvain]

The One That Got Away - Part 3

A.N. - Part 3 is finally here! I apologize for the delayed upload but unfortunately work and life got in the way of things but I'm hoping to create a consistent posting schedule soon!

Pairing: Single Dad Harry Styles

Summary: Alena finallys gets a night out on the town with her friends, but will it go as planned or will surprises and feelings arise?

Word Count: 3.1K

*********************************************************************

Alena 

- 

“Fine, I’ll come.” my phone has been buzzing non stop. 

This weekend's one of the first weekends that I am going out in a long time. I typically use my weekends to catch up on chores or run errands since Harry typically has Aria for the weekends, but this weekend my friend’s convinced me to come out with them and have a girls weekend. We’ve all been preoccupied with life and what better way they thought to come together and go out and have some fun. 

I’m not much of a partier if I do say so myself, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t indulge in it ever - back when I was younger, the weekend parties were something I looked forward to - the drinking, the music, the friends, the games, the angst - EVERYTHING. However, that was short lived because by the time I was just at that age to drink and do things legally, I was blessed with my baby girl and responsibilities and motherhood took precedence over the weekend parties. 

“Yay! Alena’s hitting the town.” My friend Molly was on the other end of the Facetime call laying on her bed with a face mask on. 

“Ugh, I don’t even know what to wear though - I’m sure anything I have probably doesn’t fit anyways.” I was rummaging through my closet which is 90% of lounge wear, 10% of business casual clothes in which I recycle once a week to wear to work. “I don’t even own half of my wardrobe before Aria, Mol.” my voice probably sounded defeated but I am trying to stay hopeful for my friend because I know she’s looking forward to this outing of ours. 

“Lena, come on! You have to have something hot and flirty in that closet of yours - I know you do!” Molly’s a long-time friend of mine - she’s been around through the thick & thin of mine, however, our lives are the complete opposite end of the spectrum. Where I am on mommy duty 90% of the time, she is out free and living her life. She is a radiologist at our local hospital and due to her schedule, she has just enough time and energy to have a great balance of work and play. I truly believe that she is the one that keeps me young. 

“Do you think leggings and a baggy sweat-shirt are acceptable for dinner and bar and club hopping?” I flashy a cheek smile across my Facetime screen and Molly gives me the biggest eye-roll. “Lena, if you’re not at least wearing something that’s tight tonight, I am going to beat your ass sensely.” Molly makes her way to her bathroom and takes her phone with her. “Lena, stop acting like a mom for once and be free - shake your ass and show your tits off! Maybe even make-out with a guy - honestly when was even the last time you got fucked?” Molly places her phone down just in time for me to flash her my middle finger. 

“ Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t know getting fucked was supposed to be on the agenda while also picking my daughter up from school, providing for her and basically making sure she doesn’t die.” I shut my closet door and make my way to my kitchen because I’m starting to get a little hungry and a snack doesn’t sound too bad right now. 

“Lena, I love you but step out of the mom role, even for one night - you are still allowed to have your own personality and be your own person, I promise you, you going out for one night will not make Aria love you any less. Plus, who doesn’t love a sexy milf.” Molly has a way with words, that’s for sure. 

“Plus, word around town is that your baby daddy has been seeing someone. Don’t you think it’s time for maybe you to get out there a little bit and meet a few people that could even be remotely interested in you?” Molly’s words sting a little, but I’m not sure if it's because she brings up Harry seeing some or if it’s because it's the “word around town” and I feel somewhat protective of his privacy and his business because he’s the father of my child.

“Yeah, I already knew that.” I take a bite of my toast. “He asked me the other day if it’s okay to introduce Aria to her - from the sounds of it they seem to be getting serious. I’ve been talking to Anne a little bit and she tells me that he seems to be happy and gets this - he hasn’t been seeing anyone else.” 

“I’m sorry - you’re telling me that he asked for your permission to introduce Aria to his girlfriend and you agreed?” Molly seems to be severely taken back, her face  expression if not her tone says it all. 

“Yeahhh… why wouldn’t I be? He is Aria’s father and I am trusting his judgment, so if he thinks it was the right call - then it was the right call - point, blank, period.”  

Truth is, it did and still does bother me that he wants to introduce Aria to someone he is seeing. What if she likes her better than me? What if she grows attached to her? What if she starts calling her mom down the line? The thought of Aria calling someone else mom makes my stomach queasy, however, I can’t worry about the “what ifs” and just hope and pray that she isn’t mean to my baby girl. 

Harry’s and I’s relationship is complex, on the one hand I want him to be happy and find someone but on the other hand I want someone to hurt him the way he hurt me so he can truly understand what it feels like to put your absolute all into someone, just for them to take - stomp on it and give it back to you in bits and pieces and I truly believe if it weren’t for Aria, I would have stopped all communication with Harry Styles years ago.

-

The rest of my day consisted of cleaning up my house, working on organizing and cleaning out my fridge and finally deciding on outfit for later on tonight. I even had some time to get a home-work out in. I guess just subconsciously knowing that I am going to be wearing something tight tonight makes me feel as though an hour work-out is going to give me my pre-baby body back but I know it's just a ploy to make myself feel better. 

While rummaging through my closet I was able to find a tight body-con midi dress that I wore once and apparently still fits - however, when I say this dress is tight - it is tight. The last time I had worn this dress was right when I was just about 3 months pregnant with Aria and I had more than enough room in this dress to hide my little bump, but now, I am fuller in places I wasn’t before. For starters, my breast feel as though they are up to my chin at the moment and my ass has probably doubled in size since I last wore this dress, but this dress seems to be the best and if not only option I have that can be worn tonight because Molly made it very clear that I was not to dress for comfort tonight. 

- 

“Alena, holy fuck you look hot.” I have just arrived at Molly’s apartment where our other two friends are as well. Molly is dressed in a cute spaghetti strap mini dress and has paired it with sparkly pumps, my feet just hurt looking at the height of them. 

“You don’t have to exaggerate Mol, I’m still coming out with you.” a chuckle escapes my lips as I make my way into Molly's apartment. I know her reaction was genuine but I also am not privy to the fact that she’s trying to boost my confidence a bit as well. 

“Oh I know you’re still coming out - I would actually drag you out of your house if you tried pulling a fast one on me!” Mol’s slightly intoxicated but her genuine personality and sassy attitude is still peaking through which I absolutely adore her. 

My other two friends Vanessa and Maria are just right around the corner making some cocktails as I make my way further through Molly’s apartment. It’s a beautiful apartment, two beds, two baths with a spacious open floor plan and a beautiful view of the city skyline. Her apartment is decorated mostly with whites and grays with a hint of pink throughout used as her accent color which matches with her personality graciously, she's one of the girliest of girls there is. 

-

The four of us mingle for about another hour as we get a few cocktails in and catch up on life before the actual night begins. Throughout the last hour, the biggest thing I have realized is that all of our lives are so different but the biggest difference between my friends is that I am a parent and they are not. Where they worry about whether or not they will be able to get up in the morning because they stayed out all night and drank - I have to worry about whether or not my daughter has everything prepared for school the next day on top of getting myself ready for work. By no means is this a complaint, but it does make me wonder what my life would be like if I was just out on my own? What if I too didn’t have another human to be responsible for? 

-

The night was definitely still young - but the night life was out. We’ve been waiting in life to get into the first club and we’re just now getting close to the front. The night was warm but definitely had a beautiful breeze which made the wait outside to get in not so bad. My three friends and I are slightly tipsy from the few shots that we had back at Molly’s place and right as we got dropped off by the Uber we shared a blunt - you could say I was high on life right now and just riding the wave. 

My phone buzzed in my pocket and it was a text from Harry. He sent me a snapshot of Aria sleeping in her bed at his house in Anne’s arms. I replied back with a little red heart and slipped my phone back in my purse. I promised myself that tonight I was not worrying about anyone else but myself - it’s time for me to be a bit selfish for once. 

“ Hey there pretty lady, can I see your ID please?” 

I pull my I.D. to show to the bouncer and he gives me a quick nod informing me that I was able to go in. He was a tall man with a broad build and dark features, he was pretty sexy if I do say so myself. He was filled with tattoos from the neck down it seems like which is such a turn on. I hope I get to see him later on tonight. 

“ Okay ladies, let the night begin!” We interlock hands and make our way into the nightlife - I feel like a teenager all over again, just me and my girls and no worries in the world, no responsibilities, no care! 

The night club is gorgeous, it definitely one of the more popular clubs in our area, and what is even better is that all the people here seem to be around our age or even slightly a bit older, many eligible bachelors seem to be out on the town as well. 

“Let’s grab drinks!” I yell out at my friends as the music is beyond loud and has the club thumping. 

We make our way over to the bar and we spot an opening close toward the end of the bar, where it seems to be empty. We make our way over there and take a seat, waving over to the bartender signaling that we would like to order. 

She’s a petite girl, with gorgeous blue eyes and short blonde hair that hits just at her shoulders. 

“What can I get you to drink, babes?” 

“Can my friends and I get a round of tequila shots please?” she flashes me a quick smile and a nod, a minute or two later she brings the shots over to us but mentions that they were paid for. Before I can even ask who, I spot the bouncer from the door staring in my direction. 

“Ouu, looks like someone is interested in you, Lena.” 

“He probably does that to a lot of girls, I’ll thank him later.” I wanted to play it cool but the simple gesture has me melting inside a bit. 

-

The night was absolute perfection, the music was perfect and our bodies were moving - I truly haven’t had this much fun in such a long time. My feet were starting to hurt but I was not stopping anytime soon - my friends and I were truly enjoying ourselves. Molly has run off to the corner of the club with some guy that came up to her to dance - he’s a nice looking guy, dirty blonde hair and green eyes. From what I could gather, his name’s Alex and he’s in finance. He seems enough from what I can tell but I wasn’t going to become too invested in learning too much about him, because from what I can tell - this will be a quick hook-up and probably won’t proceed for much more after the night. 

Vanessa, Maria and I make our way over to the bar again for another round of drinks when I feel a hand grip my shoulder. 

“ I wanted to formally introduce myself - my name’s Tommy.” the same bouncer who asked for my I.D. as well as the one who paid for our first round of drinks came up to introduce himself. His smile was cheeky but inviting, seeing him up close again definitely has my stomach in a knot. 

“And I wanted to formally thank you for the drinks, I’m Alena.” I put my hand out for him to shake it, and his grip is stronger than I could have ever imagined. 

“ A pretty name for a pretty girl - would you like to take a seat? I have about a 30 minute break before I have to get back to my shift.” 

“I think I could spare 30 minutes of my time.” I look over to my friends and they are both giving me a nod of approval, I can not wait to tell Molly about this later. 

Tommy leads me away from the bar, to a more secluded and a bit quieter section of the club. The seats back here seem to be more for dining, but the atmosphere and aesthetic isn't much different than the main area. It looks like he had some food pre-ordered and delivered to the table back here. The table has a single lit candle on it with two drinks, an cheese burger cut in a half with a side of fries, and a side order of onion rings. 

“Do you bring all of your muses back here?” I take a seat at the booth and Tommy sits across from me. He’s even more handsome under this light. 

“No, just the pretty one that caught my eyes tonight.” His smile makes him even more likable. 

“Oh, is that so? When will she be joining us?” a chuckle escaped his lips as he was taking a sip of his drink. 

“ A girl with a sense of humor, I like it.” 

I was feeling a bit proud of myself - I don’t normally get this social with a guy after just meeting him, but I think the alcohol is still lingering in my body and I am feeling good tonight. I feel confident, sexy and empowered and no one can take that away from me. The conversations are light, mostly just fun-facts about ourselves and how we occupy our time when we aren’t here on a random Saturday night. I find out that he works as a fire-fighter and works here to fill his time and his weekends and he gets a more steady schedule. From what I can gather from our 30-minute conversation, and quick dinner, he seems like a genuine guy that I would be intrigued in getting to know, however, I am still going to be very cautious in getting to know him. We have similar interests in music and movies and we both seem to be more introverted than anything, even though he works at a nightclub. 

“Unfortunately, my break time is now just over and I have to move upstairs to the lounge for the second half of my shift, but I’d like to take you out on a proper date sometime if that's okay?” The thought of going out on a proper date makes my heart skip a beat, but he can’t know that just yet. 

“Yeah, I’d like that, Tommy.” I ask for his phone and place my number in it, and save it as “Alena” as that is my name, but it’s up to him if he would like to change it to something else later on. 

As Tommy walks me back into the main area of the club before he goes off to the second part of his shift, he looks down and leaves a kiss on my lips. It wasn’t the most romantic kiss I've ever had but it definitely left a mark. 

“I’ll see you later, pretty girl.” 

- 

When walking back into the main area of the club, I was not expecting to see who I was currently staring at. There he was, 6 foot tall stature, curly brown hair and emerald green eyes - they looked sad. However, I couldn’t focus on that because if he was here, then where is our daughter? 

“Harry, where the hell is Aria?”

Tagged List: @gurugirl @wittlecritter @kathb59 @betchyharry @styles1999 @indierockgirrl @kittenhere

@neenaanetanya

[sanskari-kanya]

Rating my professors

Dr. Nini : 5/5

Sweetest, softest, pookiest ever. She is the only reason I actually made my peace with Anatomy. She also gave me extra credits last semester. Always smiles when i see her even if she’s not teaching me this sem. She has a pet bunny whose photos she used to show us regularly.

Dr. George : 0/5

His accent is beyond human comprehension. Looks like the lite version of Chris Evans. Fucked up my credits last semester. I hate physiology thanks to him. Refuses to give ppts or materials too. For some reason i see him everywhere; elevators, supermarkets, cafeteria literally everywhere. Was gonna give him 2/5 but I did surprisingly well on today’s physiology test :)

Update : In front of everyone, he said don’t bother becoming a doctor if you can’t study (I couldn’t answer a question) He loses all the points and my respect goodbye

Dr. Ana : 5/5

Literally a Barbie. Blue eyes, straight blonde hair, internal medicine residency, cracked USMLE and a good fashion sense; what more does a 🎀 girl 🎀 need? The sheer fear of letting her down when she takes my weekly viva makes me study her subject a little too much of determination. Give it a few more months, she’s gonna be my girl crush.

Dr. Natia : 3/5

Homegirl has no value of time. She comes after 4:30 for a 4 pm lecture. Awkward way of teaching Radiology but I must be a clown to judge a radiologist with 10 years of experience. I wonder why she deducted 0.2 from my credits (i bunked)

I’ll leave the rest for part 2 because y’all may or may not be interested in my yapping.

[shituationist]

assuaging my anxieties about machine learning over the last week, I learn that despite there being about ten years of doom-saying about the full automation of radiomics, there's actually a shortage of radiologists now (and, also, the machine learning algorithms that are supposed to be able to detect cancers better than human doctors are very often giving overconfident predictions). truck driving was supposed to be completely automated by now, but my grampa is still truckin' and will probably get to retire as a trucker. companies like GM are now throwing decreasing amounts of money at autonomous vehicle research after throwing billions at cars that can just barely ferry people around san francisco (and sometimes still fails), the most mapped and trained upon set of roads in the world. (imagine the cost to train these things for a city with dilapidated infrastructure, where the lines in the road have faded away, like, say, Shreveport, LA).

we now have transformer-based models that are able to provide contextually relevant responses, but the responses are often wrong, and often in subtle ways that require expertise to needle out. the possibility of giving a wrong response is always there - it's a stochastic next-word prediction algorithm based on statistical inferences gleaned from the training data, with no innate understanding of the symbols its producing. image generators are questionably legal (at least the way they were trained and how that effects the output of essentially copyrighted material). graphic designers, rather than being replaced by them, are already using them as a tool, and I've already seen local designers do this (which I find cheap and ugly - one taco place hired a local designer to make a graphic for them - the tacos looked like taco bell's, not the actual restaurant's, and you could see artefacts from the generation process everywhere). for the most part, what they produce is visually ugly and requires extensive touchups - if the model even gives you an output you can edit. the role of the designer as designer is still there - they are still the arbiter of good taste, and the value of a graphic designer is still based on whether or not they have a well developed aesthetic taste themself.

for the most part, everything is in tech demo phase, and this is after getting trained on nearly the sum total of available human produced data, which is already a problem for generalized performance. while a lot of these systems perform well on older, flawed, benchmarks, newer benchmarks show that these systems (including GPT-4 with plugins) consistently fail to compete with humans equipped with everyday knowledge.

there is also a huge problem with the benchmarks typically used to measure progress in machine learning that impact their real world use (and tell us we should probably be more cautious because the human use of these tools is bound to be reckless given the hype they've received). back to radiomics, some machine learning models barely generalize at all, and only perform slightly better than chance at identifying pneumonia in pediatric cases when it's exposed to external datasets (external to the hospital where the data it was trained on came from). other issues, like data leakage, make popular benchmarks often an overoptimistic measure of success.

very few researchers in machine learning are recognizing these limits. that probably has to do with the academic and commercial incentives towards publishing overconfident results. many papers are not even in principle reproducible, because the code, training data, etc., is simply not provided. "publish or perish", the bias journals have towards positive results, and the desire of tech companies to get continued funding while "AI" is the hot buzzword, all combined this year for the perfect storm of techno-hype.

which is not to say that machine learning is useless. their use as glorified statistical methods has been a boon for scientists, when those scientists understand what's going on under the hood. in a medical context, tempered use of machine learning has definitely saved lives already. some programmers swear that copilot has made them marginally more productive, by autocompleting sometimes tedious boilerplate code (although, hey, we've had code generators doing this for several decades). it's probably marginally faster to ask a service "how do I reverse a string" than to look through the docs (although, if you had read the docs to begin with would you even need to take the risk of the service getting it wrong?) people have a lot of fun with the image generators, because one-off memes don't require high quality aesthetics to get a chuckle before the user scrolls away (only psychopaths like me look at these images for artefacts). doctors will continue to use statistical tools in the wider machine learning tool set to augment their provision of care, if these were designed and implemented carefully, with a mind to their limitations.

anyway, i hope posting this will assuage my anxieties for another quarter at least.

[l3irdl3rain]

and now for the Persephone update!

We were doing her work up that needed to be done prior to her Purdue appointment. Took the radiographs and Hey! What the fuck is that!? Sent them to a radiologist who said it’s chronic pulmonary effusion.

Now you may be wondering, how long has that been there? I don’t know. What’s causing it? I don’t know. Why isn’t she showing any symptoms? I don’t know. Will it worsen? I don’t know. Will it eventually start to negatively effect her? I don’t know. Will it change the treatment of her thyroid tumors going forward? This answer may surprise you: I don’t know.

For now I’m going to proceed with taking her to her initial Purdue visit and see what they say about the thyroid tumors. I’m worried they won’t be willing to do anything without doing a work up for her pulmonary effusion. And I’d love to pretend I’m the richest person in the world but I’m just not.

As always, I will keep you guys updated. But as of right now we’re proceeding with her Purdue visit on the 30th as normal.

[mindblowingscience]

Researchers experimenting with artificial intelligence have found that these tools seem to reliably detect breast cancer, while also reducing a demanding workload for radiologists.  Breast cancer is the most common cancer among adults, with more than 2.3 million cases diagnosed each year, according to the World Health Organization. In most countries, the illness is one of the top two leading causes of cancer deaths in women.  But research shows that early detection and treatment can save lives.  To increase screening capacity and better identify high and low risk breast cancer, two recent studies show that specific applications of artificial intelligence (AI) performed similarly to highly trained radiologists.   "I think that breast imaging, especially mammography, [is] one of the front runners when it comes to the maturity of these AI tools," said Kristina Lång, lead author on one of the studies. Lång's research, which was published in the Lancet Oncology journal last month, is the first of its kind to use AI to detect breast cancer from mammograms in a randomized control trial.  Preliminary results of the Swedish trial show that AI detected more cancer, while keeping false positives to a minimum. 

Continue Reading

[hear-that-music-in-the-air]

Ada and Ian Headcanons (Rhythm Doctor)

this got Long As Hell i'm sorry lmao. headcanons under the cut!!

Ada:

- We know that Ian is a radiologist, but I think Ada is probably a general practitioner/primary care physician! If she's canonically a cardiologist (bc heart stuff) then that's my bad lmao. But based on what we see in the game, she doesn't really seem to specialize in anything. She instead seems to have a wide range of medical knowledge and we see her treating a variety of different illnesses/injuries, including Mr. Stevenson's broken leg and Lucky's torn rotator cuff. We know that she's been having to do pretty much everything around the hospital bc they're so understaffed, and primary care physicians usually have fairly extensive medical knowledge covering multiple fields, which I think is what allows her to do that.

- One of my biggest hcs about Ada is that she has a very strained relationship with her parents, and that her parents are also both doctors, though I imagine they're close to retirement by now. However, unlike Ada, they both specialize in highly specific fields like brain surgery or something (I actually do imagine her dad to be a neurosurgeon lmao), and because they're both so successful they have incredibly high expectations of her. They look down on her for choosing to be a GP/primary care physician because they think of that work as somehow less important/less worth her time. They're the kind of people who absolutely have a superiority complex about being doctors and ~saving lives~. Also definitely not the kind of people who should have had kids. They're distant at best and extremely judgmental and condescending at worst.

- Ada has one younger sister who's six years younger. Because their parents were always so busy with their careers, Ada basically grew up taking care of her sister, which definitely contributed to her mentality of feeling responsible for everyone all the time. Her sister moved out of their parents' house as soon as possible and is currently attending college somewhere far away, but she and Ada still keep in touch. Ada being an eldest daughter just makes too much sense to me lmao

- I like to think that Ada is an extremely affectionate person by nature. But because of growing up with emotionally distant parents, she doesn't ever really expect for that affection to be returned, especially from Ian who's not very outwardly affectionate most of the time. So when he does go out of his way to express affection it means a lot to her :)

- Because of the way her parents are, I think she kind of has an unconscious mentality of "no one is ever going to love me as much as I love them." She also struggles with people-pleasing tendencies (taking on more work than she can handle, having difficulty saying no to people) and self-esteem issues. So whenever someone goes out of their way to show her love, it kind of catches her off guard lol

- Ada's primary love languages are physical touch and words of affirmation (I'll explain this more below lol). She's REALLY big on physical touch—Ian generally does not like physical touch and one of the only people he tolerates/enjoys it from is Ada. Though I definitely think acts of service is one of her love languages too, as seen in Middlesea College Life. I simply think that she has so many love languages because she's FULL of love

- I imagine Ada as someone who feels her emotions very strongly, and who is generally just a highly emotional and empathetic person. Her empathy makes her good at connecting with the patients, but it also means that she feels everything so much all the time and it can be overwhelming for her sometimes. She’s undoubtedly very intelligent, but I think she’s still very much a heart over head type of person. She also cries pretty easily, though she has to try her best to keep it under wraps at work. The list of movies that make her cry is extensive, which Ian lovingly teases her for.

- Ada is extremely nearsighted and can't see much at all without her glasses. Because of this one of her favorite jokes is saying “I’ve seen enough” and taking her glasses off lmao

- Courtesy of @nightmun: Ada earnestly loves dad jokes, puns, and anything similar. Ian gets her a joke book as a gift once and regrets it immediately.

Ada, incredibly excited: IAN WHAT DOES A LEMON SAY WHEN IT PICKS UP THE PHONE

Ian: …what?

Ada: YELLOW!! *WHEEZE*

Ian: <:)

(this is the fifth one she’s told him today)

Ian:

- Ian’s mother is a single mom and his dad left when he was ten, hence why Ian is currently the only one taking care of her. Ian was also an only child. I imagine he and his mom are very close since it’s just been the two of them for so long, so her illness has really been taking a toll on him.

- Ian is bilingual and speaks Mandarin! I don’t think he has a canon ethnicity in-game (though please correct me if I’m wrong), but I’ve been thinking of him as Chinese Canadian, in line with @pokeblog123’s headcanon that Middlesea is in Canada. I imagine he and his mom speak Mandarin at home sometimes.

- I think Ian probably did robotics and/or coding as hobbies in high school and college! We know that he’s insanely tech-savvy, and he seems to have quite a talent for programming. In that same vein, another one of Ian's hobbies is buying old/vintage video game consoles from garage sales, on eBay, etc. and taking them apart to see how they work, sometimes also restoring them if he can.

- I know this is a pretty popular hc already but I think Ian is autistic/generally neurodivergent lol. I do try to write him with this in mind

- Related to that, Ian struggles with social cues to a certain degree, and subsequently has more trouble connecting with the patients than Ada. His little character card says he’s “better with computers than people” and I think this is probably because people are just difficult for him to read. Computers are much simpler; they’re predictable and generally do what they’re programmed to do. People are a lot more complicated. I do think he’s learned to read Ada fairly well simply because he’s known her for so long

- Ian's primary love language is acts of service/gift-giving. He struggles with physical touch and with verbalizing his feelings so he shows his love by doing things for people instead (which was part of the inspiration for my fic "Helping Hand"). If he goes out of his way to do something for you, that’s how you know he really cares. He's an actions over words type of guy :)

- Ian can be very blunt and straightforward, as we see in the game, but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care. We know from game dialogue that he regularly encourages Ada to take breaks and is generally concerned for her wellbeing, and we can also infer that he worries a great deal about his mother. He definitely cares, he just has different ways of showing it.

- Ian normally doesn’t cry very easily and he also doesn’t like to cry in front of other people, but my hc for why he cried at the Stevensons’ reunion is because it reminded him of his own sick mother, who’s been alone ever since his dad left. He’s usually not one to cry in public but that just got to him. I like to think that Ada checked up on him afterwards.

(ACT 5 SPOILERS)

- Although he doesn't really show it, I think Ian probably feels a certain amount of guilt for everything that's happened with Connectifia Abortus, especially now that it's been revealed that the virus originated from the system he created. He knows that the rhythm defibrillator system could put the patients in danger if the virus keeps getting worse, and he's been working day and night to try to fix it. Of course, Edega's demand for a "miracle cure" at the expense of caution and safety certainly isn't helping matters. Given that Ada also needs treatment on occasion, one of Ian's biggest fears is that Ada will get hurt because of the virus (and, he thinks, because of him).

BOFA THEM:

- I think Ada was Ian's first, and possibly only, good friend at college. I imagine they met through their shared classes and Ada was one of the only people who made a point to talk to him. After that she sort of just stuck around, much to Ian’s initial surprise. He had always struggled with making friends and he was hesitant to open up to her at first, but her persistence and genuine sincerity eventually won him over. Now they’re best friends :)

- I've seen other people say that they were probably roommates at some point in college/med school and I definitely think so too. I'm sure they pulled a lot of all-nighters together lol

- Once Ada and Ian became close friends, I like to imagine that she also got to know Ian's mother. She's always gotten along with her very well, and because her own parents were so distant, Ada came to think of her as somewhat of a parental figure. When Ian's mom first got sick and started requiring intensive care, Ada insisted on helping out with anything they needed.

- What I was referencing above about Ada and physical affection: I think Ada might be somewhat touch-starved because of my headcanon that her parents aren't very affectionate people. She craves physical touch and words of affirmation because she never got much of that from her parents. Once Ian figures this out, he tries his best to do those things for her even though it doesn't come as naturally to him (as in like, he’s normally not one to initiate hugs but he’ll give Ada a hug if he can tell that she needs it).

- Ian’s pragmatism balances out Ada’s bleeding-heart altruism, and vice versa. I think over years of friendship they’ve learned to appreciate the other’s perspective and find a middle ground, though of course that’s not always possible in high-stress medical situations.

- Ada doesn’t really understand anything about the online games that Ian plays, but she probably uses gamer lingo incorrectly on purpose just to annoy him lmao

- Unrelated to anything but I think one of their favorite pastimes is hate-watching Grey's Anatomy together and making fun of all the medical inaccuracies (I’ve never watched Grey’s Anatomy but I’ve heard there are many). Despite this they’re both low-key invested but neither of them wants to admit it lol

Anyway I love them. In my mind they are besties who get married for tax benefits. Thank you for your time if you read this far lmao

[secretlythepits]

Yesterday a Rant, Today a Babble

Took my husband to the oncologist. He had taken a high dose of ibuprofen so he was feeling fine. It was awkward and not indicative of his pain symptoms, which we explained, but it was like taking your car to the mechanic and it not making that worrying sound. He poked around and looked at the scans my husband got this morning. The radiologist hasn’t made a report yet and the oncologist said he can only read tumors. He didn’t see a new mass in that area and did measure one mass and saw that it had shrunk some. That’s good news, but not an answer. It could be a fractured rib or a pulmonary embolism. Those were his guesses and the radiologist will be able to detect them if that’s the case.

My husband is adamant that there is absolutely no psychological aspect to his pain. Cue eye roll. That doesn’t mean there isn’t a physiological cause, but focusing on pain makes it worse. Stress can manifest as pain in the body. He rejects those ideas. My eyes have rolled all the way to the Arctic circle.

In the appointment it unfolds that he did not take his ibuprofen with him yesterday so when he came stumbling home from work in agony, requiring a special meal and attention, he hadn’t taken painkillers in hours. This morning I told him to take the pills with him always. Guess who came home from work in pain again? It’s very frustrating because he sounds an emergency alarm but ignores common sense measures. I wasted my day accompanying him to a needless appointment. He missed half a day of work and we need his PTO desperately.

He had implied that his pain was overwhelming while medicated which is very different than pain that can be managed with ibuprofen. Also, I 100% don’t dismiss physical manifestations of distress. We all do this and sometimes we just need people to baby us when we are stressed and afraid. I would be fine being by his side for that. But it’s very irritating that he won’t acknowledge any truth in that— that is why the day feels like a waste. He is so closed off to understanding anything about what’s going on inside of himself, but he expects me to have the answers always.

Next week is treatment and that will carry into the following week too, so why all this fuss the first days the kids went to school? Why couldn’t it just be about them? Why couldn’t I enjoy a couple hours in the house alone after the nonstop togetherness of homeschooling, summer, and travel?

Maybe something will show on the scans, but even then, the scans were already scheduled and always take a few days to be analyzed. Whatever. I have learned my lesson from this: my life might turn on a dime and I must stay focused and get prepared for it. It’s up to my husband to learn his own lessons. Or not.

Did I ever tell you my theory about death?

I’ve been mulling this over for the past 7 years, reflecting on the deaths of various loved ones. In that time I have lost a parent, 2 friends, an uncle, an aunt, and a cousin. This idea came to me and I have just sat with it and watched life unfold. Here it is:

We die when one of two things happens:

We accomplish what we came to this lifetime to do. We master the lesson we came to learn.

Or

We get as close as we are going to get to accomplishing it. We reach a point of stagnation in our spiritual growth.

This has been true (in my estimation) of my beloveds who have passed. Some had reached a point of beauty in the way that they lived so that it felt like their everyday life was the poetry of human existence. They embodied their true selves, they lived mostly in the present moment, they served others with bottomless compassion. The other people had wonderful qualities and moments, but were ultimately locked into an endless cycle of self-sabotage in one way or another. They grew, learned, and loved. They were good people, but over the years, they reached a point where they couldn’t break through to the next level. It’s like their evolution was permanently stunted in this life.

In both instances it feels like they took their spiritual growth as far as they could go on earth and then it was time to move on so their lives here ended.

I wonder about my husband.

I wonder about myself.

How much time do we need to grow here on the blue marble? What lessons need to be mastered? Or, where is the stopping point when we run out of chances because we are stuck on repeat?

I’ll tell you what: I’m not interested in the afterlife at all today. Not a bit. I have in the past and probably will in the future, but right now the idea of more life just feels

exhausting.

Don’t get me wrong, I want this life—and that’s a novel sensation for me—but it feels like it’s going to take everything I’ve got to get through it. Even if later is just a party, you know that feeling: when the week was so busy and then the party you’ve been looking forward to comes and you’re just so tired that you want to go to sleep in your pretty dress.

I’d happily dream Heaven away right now if I could.

But if it’s reincarnation next, oh me, oh my, please let me be a tree. The scurrying life of an animal is not for me.

To stay grounded while reaching for light, to send a tap root down to the Source—well, I guess I’d be up for that.

Sitting in silence in a forest with my thoughts.

That would be nice after this adventure ends

wherever and whenever

that may be.