sillieraccoon - Tumblr blog

[sillieraccoon]

update

yeah so i realised stuff abt myself, told my family, they didn't support me, im no contact w them now

my chronic pain is shit and we really help bc we have been really avoidant of going to the doctors and idk why ;-; my fuckin hands are killing me lmfao

im growing a lot and making so much progress healing wise, but man things have been tough

[sillieraccoon]

reasons we couldn't be "making up" these traumatic memories (a system validation post /lh) TW: sa generally, no details - A, read this when you feel in denial

why would be so specific with remembering clothing types (sometimes on both parties), specific colour shades that were present (the black out curtains were a pale orange. during the sunrise, the sun would shine through and turn the room a beautiful golden colour. for example.

so many people have the experience of having flashbacks in the third person, we are not alone there.

we have physical reactions to these flashbacks (unwanted arousal triggers, temporary genital numbness/pins and needles etc)

now that we've discussed it in therapy and the host is more or less aware its likely to be true, other alters are more able to front because we NEEDED the host to forget about us (yk, influence them to find a new special interest lol, they'd be hyperfocused for weeks) meaning we experience more amnesia now and switch more frequently! this is a common experience in traumgenic systems.

it explains my hypersexuality when i was 9

it explains why i never felt present, and don't remember watching any disney movies at all yet my mum says i watched all the classics as a kid. i literally dont know any of the films and ive never really cared to know. /nm any that i do watch are as if its the first time :)

bpd symptoms lol - especially the bpd rage (itsrainingbpd on ig has a post on it) fear of abandonment, once had a FP attachment to the abuser, the s/h addiction, unstable relationships

explains why A involuntarily age regresses and explains why we have so many littles

explains why we have so many alters based on A but for almost every single year since they were young

when we rapid switched infront of our therapist for the first time, every alter had a side to the story to tell. every alter had the same understanding about the trauma that came up.

[sillieraccoon]

before you go to bed tonight I want you to remember that it took a lot of courage to leave behind what’s not for you anymore. If you’re strong enough to let go, then you’ll be strong enough to find what’s next for you. you’ve got this, good night.

[sillieraccoon]

TW - sex + SA mention --- pain after sexual intercourse SA flashback or endo :o /s

i cant tell if its endo pain or im in flashback :)))

we had consensual sex a couple of hours ago. my wife is ace so we dont often get it on, but today we happened to.

anyways, we both finished and began to continue our day, when we began flashing back. it was a little who was very distressed and tearful, stating all kinds of things about the sa, or at least one of them.

now i have massive v*ginal pain and cervix/uterus pain ><

i am so open to them being both, tbh hoping its endo pain but we are on the waiting list for that too so its like i never know with this kinda thing. just sucks.

[sillieraccoon]

tw: csa, manipulation --- i wonder

i do wonder if my father did sexually abuse me in my childhood, then proceeded to treat me like shit for my whole life so that i'd associate the feelings of hurt, betrayal, manipulation, control etc with him so that the new memories would replace the old ones

[sillieraccoon]

TW - deciphering if its pseudomemories of flashbacks of suppressed trauma

aight so first of all, surely if its pseudomemories, why would they be so specific? like im watching it happen from the third person, hmm?secondly, the body reactions that come with it - like tingling in certain areas, feeling as if its happening in the moment, but also a strange awareness we are in present tents and that we are safe..

lastly, it explains why we are so fucked up lol, like if i was to say the csa was real, it'd explain so much of my mental health. like i swear i didnt catch a break growing up, i was never really present anyway with the dissociation as yall know or can imagine. why i went to s*lf h*rm and su*cide attempts, some attention seeking at school, ED stuff, shop lifting, smoking cigs, taking hot hot baths, sneaking alcohol where i could, compulsive lying (which now that i think of it was probably alters fronting and trying to answer questions as best they can lol), stealing from people, obsessive and one way relationships at school, my hypersexuality, my involuntary age regression...

i dont feel the cocsa i went through at 5 or 6 was enough to have caused DID. but this? the new stuff thats come up? THAT would make sense as to why i am the way i am, and why we are a system. im currently leaning more towards it happened, but i just can't think about my father and know he's likely a pedophile.

[sillieraccoon]

what do you mean, "enter your preferred gender" pinterest??

I DONT HAVE A GENDER THATS WHY IM NON-BINARY! /lh

i kinda feel like they were using that as a place for people to put their gender that doesnt fall under the binary, but if that was the case theres no harm in having another box that says "custom" :)

[sillieraccoon]

factive rant, from a factive

whats up ? my names L and im a factive of the body's ex friend, who also happens to be a system.

this system was pretty toxic i wont lie, gatekeepy about who can have bpd and anyone who said they think they may have it and wanted to get help for it, would say "why would you want bpd? its not something you should pursue".

anyways, thats just one of the many toxic things they'd do to us. it actually caused us to form the shortest FP relationship. we've only had 3 in the last maybe 3 years. but this? was the shortest. and i formed during that time, but could never make myself aware to the host (A) because they wouldn't have kept it quiet.

it just pisses me off how i have to live as a person who actively hurt the host. i know my presence in the front can remind A of my source. i feel it in our chest sometimes. i have these toxic traits that the brain knows how to correct because my source has a different brain of course, and wouldn't think of these things as their solution. idk. its all up to different perseption ig. idk why im being so neutral either, im usually like fuck yeah i fixed their toxic traits better than them haha :I

that was awkward.

bye

-L

[sillieraccoon]

TW - are SA pseudomemories supposed to feel like your truth?

bc after admitting outloud to our therapist about these memories and nightmares we'd been having, it all made sense and felt like my story, and it felt so real. (it actually explained massively why im a system - bc ive struggled to believe my headmates are real)

i'm calling them pseudomemories bc i really have no proof it happened other than the flashbacks nightmares and pseudomemories .

i've asked my mum about them once a when the pseudomemories began a year ago, but she said it wouldn't have happened. my brother barely remembers our childhood so i couldn't ask him. i cut off my father, i may confront him about it face to face eventually... once i work through lots and heal a bit with my therapist

...we wished there was some solid way to know.

[sillieraccoon]

TW: sexual abuse, childhood trauma, pseudomemories (no specifics)

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this is how the moon looked on the night i figured out in therapy that my pseudomemories that i've been sexually abused by my father in my childhood are likely to be true. the photo is perfectly imperfect, like we all are.

-A