#i will always regret this because ive wasted the past two years of my life for nothing and thats not gonna go away if i study really hard

[heatwa-ves]

people love to tell me that I need to put the effort in and try my best so in the future I won't regret this but I'm so far beyond the point where it is possible to do my best I can't even do the bare minimum.

[sharks833]

Sad Face

Well, my relationship of over a year has come to a very sudden end. I am very saddened by this but to be honest it makes as much sense as the rest of the relationship. We meet here on Tumblr, we became partners for a writing/art event. I had been a reader for this event before and this year I wanted to be a writer. Iv passively been a part of the community around the event for a while now and wanted to try and become active in the community. I enjoy reading and have always wanted to try my hand at writing on the count that I have a very vivid imagination and would like to try and get some of my thoughts down. I thought doing so on Tumblr would be a good idea both because I could give back to a wonderful community and people would be more understanding of my dyslexia which I use editing software to try and correct but sometimes even they don’t understand what I’m trying to spell (which spell check never does). To be honest, I was also looking for a more intimate relationship, but never really expected anything to come from it. I was very fortunate to get a wonderful partner but was too shy to ask them if they were a girl until I accidentally called them him for my big post and quickly edited it (a point that I got a lot of much deserved teasing for once we started dating). We kept talking after the event though and slowly after talking to each other every day we became closer and closer until I asked them if they wanted to start dating. Originally they said no, to which I was surprised and disappointed but understood that they were wary of dating after past experiences which I was made aware of. I thought they deserved a wonderful boyfriend and always hated when people said that and yet were themselves unwilling to be that person, so I offered myself. It wasn't long after that however when they confessed their own love for me and would love to date with an understanding of the things they would be uncomfortable with given their past. I was happy to be able to just talk to them and was more than happy to make any concession that would make them happy. A year passes and it’s both one of the best and worst years of my life.

(This is the complaining paragraph and if anyone reads this feel free to skip)

I quit my awful part-time job and moved out of my apartment I share with a roommate to try and live with my aunt and cousin in DC to try and go to CU in DC or find a job that I don't hate. Unfortunately the week I get there covid hits DC and we have quarantine. After about two months it's very clear things aren't going to work out and I go back home. Sadly my mother passed suddenly a few years ago and my father didn’t waste time finding remarrying, selling our family home, and moving in with her across the state line. At this time my twin brother gets recalled from the peace corps and now we are both in this strange house with this woman that we barely know who retired the moment she married my father much to his dismay. Were both forced to very quickly get any job and I find myself in hell on a tugboat for two months. Living in that hell for two weeks at a time working six hours, sleeping six hours. Once off the boat I get two weeks off and get to try and hide in a room that’s not mine from the monster that is my fathers’ wife. All while studying for the GRE and joining my brother in an online class to learn all the math. After two months I quit that hell much to the horror of my father. I’m quickly forced, and I mean forced as much as one can without putting a weapon against my skin, to work five hours of labor at FedEx throwing boxes in the back of semi-trucks. After another month the monster has had enough and me and my twin are moved into an apartment we didn’t get to choose but still pay everything for. The apartment isn't so bad as I'm away from my father and his wife and me and my twin took the GRE and will now be attending grad school in August through housing and such still need to be acquired.

Through this time though I've had the wonderful experience of being in a loving relationship. Every day I talked to my love and she talked to me. We went on dates and skyped with each other and I honestly loved Them more than I have loved anyone before. I want to fill a page full of all the wonderful things that we did and how happy I truly was at the time but those moments were between us and I like to keep the details of my love life private. My very first relationship was a long-distance one and it was a wonderful six months before it quickly became one-sided. For the next two years that we were dating, I was miserable because I didn't understand that people with more experience in dating get bored of relationships. After that, I never wanted to be in a one-sided relationship again. Sadly that's exactly where I found myself the moment they came home from the end of the semester. I always knew they were close to their family, and didn't and don’t mind being second or third to family, but I wasn't even last on the list. We went from talking every moment of the day to, from waking up to falling asleep, to never at all. I for my part tried to text her and keep a lively conversation, but she was never interested. After a week I figured she needed some time for herself but it became clear after another week if I wasn't talking to her then I'd never hear from her again. I tried to talk to her about this, and every time she apologized and said she felt awful about not talking and she would in the next few days but she never did. I talked about my past relationship with her and how I didn't want to be in another one-sided relationship again, and just as I had made concessions for the sake of our relationship she would too. I didn't think a single hello sent to me in the span of a month would be a deal-breaker to our relationship but here we are.

We first met in September of 2019 and for almost two years I felt like, for the first time in my life, there was somebody that actually cared if I was around. Iv always had a problem with saying no to people and giving more the is proportionate and as a result, always felt used or taken advantage of. I struggle with knowing how much to contribute to any kind of relationship and it has hindered my ability to be in healthy relationships whatever form they take. For the first time in my life though I found someone who gave to me just as much as I gave to them. Unsurprisingly however they admitted to me that they suffer from that same problem and that they never focus on themselves. I don't have too many friends so I'm normally focusing on myself and it was nice to be there for someone else. However, they have a family and others to focus on and as a result, almost never get to focus on themselves. Now that they are home however they would like to focus on themselves and no longer want anything to do with me. I get that though I don’t know why you can’t focus on yourself and still send me a hello, I don't want them to talk to me because they feel pressured to. If they have decided they no longer want me in their life suddenly then all I can do is hope they are able to achieve their goal and move on. I will always love and respect them for the kindness they have shown me.

As a moral philosopher who has studied the nature of virtue, I truly believe this person to be so virtuous as to be one of the greatest people, I have ever met. An observation I came to make shortly after meeting them, and I am very grateful I had their compassion for even a short time. I thought if I could lead them down the path of some philosophical school they would be able to find the answer to the problems they had but I never knew how to do it and now it's too late. My only regret is that I couldn’t help them with the problems more. In the entirety of our relationship from the first meeting to the end we never even got into one argument. Technically we did have somewhat of a fight when she decided to tell me she could no longer be in a relationship with me and work on herself but she ended the relationship the moment she left her dorm, she just forgot to let me know. I am again deeply saddened by this but I always knew in the back of my mind she too would get bored of me and move on. It's been the thread through all my relationships dating back to that first one and I knew it would appear again, I just wish my head had told my heart. I know in every relationship you tell each other you want to spend the rest of your life with the other one but for some reason I really believed it this time, making this loss all the more crushing. I know they won’t read this as I suspect only two people ever will and that for the best, I doubt she is saddened by this whole affair but on the off chance she is I don't want them to feel bad. I have always wanted them to be happy from the start and even know that it's over. That's all I want, it's all I ever wanted truly. Plato says happiness is what happens when all three parts of the soul are doing their work well, each part representing a virtue. I’ve always been good at knowing what to do (desire) and I'm alright at knowing how to do it (reason), but I've always been horrible at doing it (courage). She led me to courage though, both for her and myself. And for those moments when the three came together through her and for her, I can truly say to have been happy. I don’t know if I ever inspired anything in her that led her to happiness but I hope she can find someone that does, and that I can come to know the courage she showed me I had myself.

[friendlytrees]

Stay Here With Me

sebastian stan x reader

summary: you decided to clear your head and take a walk, but someone unexpected crosses paths with you.

warnings: swearing

mountains of paint are scattered all over different cardboard boxes. you take a chunck of the red and smear it on the canvas in front of you like a toddler. As bits if light creep in through your curtains you realize you’ve been painting all day. You get up and look around to see 10 awful and terrifying paintings staring back at you. Although this was a great stress reliever, it wasn't going to help you get over what had happened.

2 weeks ago you walked into your apartment to find your boyfriend Daniel cheating on you. You knew it wouldn't last, you met him at some douchey college frat party and out of all the boys, he was the “most romantic” when you caught him all you could say was leave.

After this incident your friend introduced you to anger painting. Although very effective it consumed you and it was all you could do. When you finished the 10th painting you decided it was time to get some fresh air. You get in the shower and after you change into a flowy dress and jacket, grab your keys and head out the door. You walked down what seemed like a never ending hall until you made it to the elevator. The elevator dings to signal you to go down and when the door opens, your ex smiles at you holding flowers.

“y/n hey look i wan-“

“no, i cant do this right now” you say as you cut him off. You try to walk to the stairs but he grabs your arm and insists you talk to him

“look what happened was so bad. And im so sorry, but thats in the past and we are in the present and thats what’s important”

“ do you think you’re being romantic “

“ i got you flowers”

you shove him, “ look you’re wasting my time. i have to go” you walk towards the elevator and leave him standing in the hall holding flowers. as the door closes you stare at him as he drops the flowers and crushes them.

after getting out the elevator you try to grab the nearest wall to cling on to so you can calm yourself down. All you could think about were the emotions you felt the night it happened. You catch your breath and eventually head out the front doors of the building. As soon as you walk out you are blinded by the sun. You cover your eyes as you think about how you haven't been outside in days.

while you mindlessly walk you can see the the sun leaking through the orange-ish trees along the road. this is the best thing you’ve done in a while, you have never stopped to take a look at the world around you since college started; in this moment you realized that life was beautiful. As the sun is setting you find yourself at a small park next to a library. your eyes wander to a bench with a very muscular man sitting on it. when you get closer you can eventually make out who it is

“hey, long time no see” you say as you stand right in front of him

he looks up from his book “y/n ? wow you look great” he gets up and goes in for a hug

“what are you doing here Sebastian. i haven't seen you here in so long”

“well i just got back from jersey , i was just here to visit family. then i ran into you.. wow you changed so much.”

“is that a good thing” you say with laughter

“ yes thats a great thing wow,” he goes in for another hug. “ i haven't seen you in 2 years. why didn't you call”

you push him off of you and go to sit on the bench “ i had so much going on i couldn't really make time to call anyone”

“ouch” he says as he sits down.

“ no dont take it personally. college is just stressful”

“thats why i never went” he says as he leans back in the bench

“what have you been doing these past 2 years?”

“ive been working, we dont all have money”

you could tell that was suggested towards you. you had been best friends your entire lives and did everything together, but the only difference between you two was that his family didnt really have much. so, the older he got, the less you saw of him since he was working all the time. And eventually when you moved you didnt see him at all.

you turn to face Sebastian “can we hang out today? i dont really have anything planned”

he turns to face you “ well i was going to sit here and read this book, but i guess i have room to hang out” he smiled and began to laugh. eventually you two got up and started walking in the Manhattan streets. the sun had set. the moon light lit up the almost empty street , which was rare. Sebastian turns to face you and begins to speak

“so where are we going?”

“i thought you knew, i was following you” you say with a confused look on your face

“im kidding” he looks over and points to a corner store “lets go in here”

you both step inside and he goes straight to the liquor. he grabs two large bottles and heads to the register.

“that will be $40”

“here you go”

“thank you, come again”

you both walk out and he hands you one of the brown paper bags. “drink up” he says as he opens his drink”

“you want me to drink,,, while we are walking around Manhattan.”

“yeah why not what could happen” he says as he takes a large swig of liquor

you look at him and decide to give in. “fine, but im only doing this for you”

an hour had passed and you were both wasted walking under the street lights saying god knows what. The only thing you could hear was Sebastian yelling every time he saw a taxi. You end up stopping at one of the lights next to a closed theater.

“hold on i need to stop for a minute i need t-” mid sentence he lets half of his lunch out on the side walk. All you could do was laugh at him while he was doing it. When hes done he sits up and swings around the poll screaming to the top of his lungs “do you want to know something y/n”

“what is it” you say taking the last sip of your alcohol

“i love you”

“what” 

“Ive loved you since youve came into my life, you just make me so happy.” he drunkingly makes a heart with his hands and walks closer to you. “I needed to see you y/n, youre part of the reason i came back. I missed your laugh, your jokes, i missed the way you smiled. I need you”

“youre drunk you dont mean that”

“Yes i do” he moves his hands up to your cheeks. “ every time im with you i get this feeling that if something ever happened to you id lose you forever. And i want to make sure you will always be okay. Im not saying this because im drunk y/n, im saying this because i love you”

No words were able to come out of your mouth. All you could do was stand there and stare into those bluish grey eyes. he eventually let your face go and started walking away.

“where are you going?” you say as you try to catch up with him

“i have no idea, but im pretty sure ive just embarrassed myself”

you stop walking “Where were you supposed to stay tonight?”

“i was supposed to stay with my mom but if i come home drunk hes gonna kill me” he stops walking and tilts his head up “i could just buy a hotel for tonight”

“or you could stay at my place” you say. he turns his head over to you and smiles. he sluggishly walks towards you and you guide him to your apartment.

you both find a taxi to take you back since youre too drunk to walk. Once you get there you head through the doors and get in the elevator. the ride up to the 3rd floor of your apartment was filled with silence. Sebastian had kept his distance ever since he told you he loved you. Back on the sidewalk under the street light you regret not telling him right then and there that youve felt the same way.

the elevator doors opened and when you walked out you could see someone near your door. you rushed over to see who it was, and when you knew you were disappointed.

“what the hell are you doing here, leave now!”

“please just let me ta-” your ex takes a pause when he sees Sebastian standing 4 feet away. “who the fuck is this, huh, y/n? who the fuck are you” he starts walking closer to Sebastian and shoves him “who are you”

he looks at you and looks back at your ex “ im her boyfriend”

“no hes no-” you were cut off by your ex who became filled with anger

“oh really, your her boyfriend?” he shoves Sebastian 

Sebastian shoves him back “shove me again and i swear”

“you swear what. what are you gonna do”

Sebastian throws a punch at him and then gets tackled. You try to tell them to stop and pull them off of each other, but it wasn't working. Your ex wouldn't stop hitting Sebastian. He couldn't fight back anymore all he could do was take the hits. you run up to Daniel and pull him off of Sebastian before he could do anymore damage.

“what the hell Daniel”

“punk deserved it” he said as he wiped the blood off of his brow.

“leave right now”

“im not going anywhere”

“ leave before i call the police”

he looks at you for a moment, then he leaves. 

you run over to Sebastian to make sure he is okay and help him up. You grab your key and open your door. you turn the lights on and take Sebastian to the living room to lay him on the couch. 

“hey, im going to grab a rag to clean your face”

“y/n” he pauses to catch his breath “ you never said anything earlier, after i told you”

you sit down on the coffee table in front of the couch so you're facing him. “Sebastian. all this time didn't understand why i felt the way i do around you, you make me feel safe and i can trust you with my life.” Sebastian sits up before you can finish “Sebastian i love you” he leans over to you and kisses you “i love you too y/n”

[bittysvalentines]

You Can’t Hear My Soul

From: @eatallofthepumpkinthings

To: @corgiberus

Rating: T

Tags: Soulmate AU, Angst, mentions of anxiety, mentions of loneliness, mentions of defamation of character, mentions of paparazzi being rude, OC, ASL/RSL/Sign language, NHL Chowder, NHL Whiskey, Open Ended, mentions of Zimbits

Note: Sorry I can't write fluff! I hope you like it anyways.

Alexei wakes up groggy. The night before he'd tried to stay up until midnight, his heart racing with anticipation, yet he'd fallen asleep at some point. As soon as he is awake enough to realize why he's so groggy, his heart starts running again and his face splits with a grin. Immediately he feels for that space in his head where the connection to his soul mate should exist. When he finds it, nestled just behind his eyes, his heart sinks.

There is wind blowing past his ears and he knows he won't be able to hear his soulmate. He'd hoped that they'd fall into that small statistical chance and have the same birth date. He knew it was unrealistic, but he still had hoped to hear his soulmate. He often stayed up at night wondering if their voice would be airy and melodic or deep in soothing. Would they be Russian like him, or would they be foreign and the translation weird and distressing. Of course, it wouldn't matter if his soulmate was foreign, living half way across the world even – but it would be so much easier if they were Russian. If they were, then the likelihood of them being close by would be higher. They could be together sooner.

His daydreaming didn't matter now. The connection was open. He could tell his soulmate all about himself and maybe they'd come and find him before their 18th birthday. Even if they didn't come and find him – he had to stop himself . There were only 24 hours in the day and he'd already wasted several sleeping.

“HI! I'M ALEXEI!” He shouts into the connection. His cheeks heat. Why am I shouting? I'm going to sound desperate. he thinks.

He tries to reign himself in, but he knows its going to be difficult. “Uh sorry for shouting. I'm just really excited to talk to you. I've been dreaming about this day for a long time. I can't hear you now. But I'm sure in no time I will be able to hear you. We will talk non-stop on your birthday. I just know it.”

He stays up until midnight telling his soulmate everything about his life.

********************

Months pass and Alexei's hopes fade. He throws himself into his hockey career again. His father is right, if he's going to transition to the NHL he should do it now. He's been working with agents and talking to teams. By the end of the regular NHL season he's secured his spot with Falconers.

********************

Nervousness sits in the pit of his stomach everyday. Without any games to play, he refocuses his energy into learning English. It's profoundly frustrating. After a particularly disastrous lesson, he decides to take out his feelings the only way he knows how – on the ice. He's laces up and heads onto the iced over pond behind his family home.

Who knows when I'll get to do this again, he sulks.

He's skating laps, pushing himself as fast as he can. Suddenly he's tripping over himself. There are words flashing behind his eyes. As he falls forward, he becomes aware that the room where his connection lives is open and the wind rushing past his ears is just from the fall.

“Hello, can you hear me?”

“Are you awake? I hope I'm not waking you.”

“I'm really excited to talk with you Alexei.”

As he catches his breath and tries to push up off his knees, his mind is racing. After a few minutes he realizes he hasn't said anything back and he probably should do that.

“OH, HELLO... Hi. Uh... Happy birthday!” He replies awkwardly.

“Thank you! I'm so happy to finally talk to you.”

Alexei is excited but he is so very confused.

“Why can't I hear you?” he asks.

“WHAT?” his soulmate replies.

“It's like I'm seeing your words. I... I don't hear them. Is there something wrong?” Is he sick? He's heard that colds can sometimes mess up these conversations. Or maybe it's because of his concussion. He hopes that that isn't the case. Concussions have all sorts of long term affects, and in his line of work, its likely he'll have another if not more.

Suddenly he feels a door close. He frantically feels behind his eyes for that space where his soulmate just was but its gone. The void is overwhelming and he's back on his knees. What just happened?

********************

Alexei's 19th birthday couldn't come sooner. He's managed to stay up all night this time. Midnight finds him sitting up straight as a board, staring out the window of his senior teammate's guest bedroom. The city lights are stunning. He feels the connection open and he's speaking as fast as he can. Every question that's swirled in his head for the last few months spews out of him. He gets silence in reply and in just a few minutes the door is slammed closed, the connection lost. He cries himself to sleep.

********************

When he decides to put his mind to something, Alexei always manages to see it through. Going into the NHL, learning English, making friends with his teammates, becoming rookie of the month – he set his mind to those things and he did them. He makes his mind up to be as positive as he can about his soulmate. He may not know why they've hung up on him, why they've not talked to him, why they haven't tried to find him, but he knows he can't control what they do. He can only control himself.

With his mind set on positive, when his soulmate's birthday comes back around, he keeps it casual and light. He talks about his life. He talks about hockey. He talks about his teammates and friends. Every birthday flies by like this. His soulmate never speaks, but the connection stops closing right away.

********************

A few years go by. The Falconers win the cup. But his soulmate never talks to him.

********************

There is a movie playing on the plane. It was a tough game against the Capitals and every muscle in Tater's body is beat. He thinks that the movie is a romantic comedy, but he isn't really sure. The actors all seem to be mumbling or talking too fast. Lulling his head to the side, he asks Poots to translate again for the 5th time.

“Dude, Aren't you paying attention?”

“Yes, I'm just very tired.” He gives him his best puppy dog eyes.

Poots smiles. Tater sees a light go off in Poots head and suddenly Poots is climbing over him and stumbling towards the front of the bus.

“Hey who has the remote.”  Someone produces the remote up front. Tater watches Poots struggle with it. Eventually Snowy gets up, rather reluctantly, and helps Poots with whatever he was doing.

When Poots returns, Tater turns back to the movie and is amazed. There are words steaming at the bottom of the screen, highlighted in black, and in Russian.

“Now I don't have to translate.” Poots says victoriously. Tater nodes dumbly. This is what my soulmate's voice looked like.

********************

Its been awhile since he's thought this much about his soulmate when it wasn't his or their birthdays. Stewing on this new information is easy. Making any sense of it, that isn't easy. He tries to Google for some answers but he must not be using the right search words because none of the search results make much sense to him. Once again he finds himself wondering if there is something wrong with him.

After a couple of weeks, he decides to talk about it. He trusts his friends, and the old guys have worldly experience. Maybe one of his teammates will know something that can help.

He's hanging out with the guys, having a few beers when he musters up the courage to bring it up. They're all silent for a few minutes. It unnerves Tater. Am I the only one this has ever happened to?

“Maybe they speak a different language?” Poots says.

“If they speak a different language he should just hear them in Russian. That doesn't explain why he sees the words and not hears them” Snowy refutes.

“Oh right”

“Ive never really heard of anything like this before” Marty says. A couple guys nod in agreement.

“Maybe they're sick all the time?”

Thirdy brings up, “I read a story once that a guy started hearing his soulmate's voice in a whole different language than either of them knew and it turned out he had a tumor.”

“I just had a scan when I had that minor concussion” Tater replies exasperatedly.

“Maybe they're deaf?” Jack offers.

“What?” Everyone turns to Jack.

“I read a book on historical figures with disabilities and it explained that many deaf people and their soulmate's see each others thoughts.” That makes sense.

He goes home and googles some more.

********************

On his next birthday he tries to casually slip in “Are you deaf?”

It doesn't come off casual. Thankfully his soulmate responds.

“Yes”. Then the connection drops.

********************

His family and friends start to worry about him as the years go by. Its not uncommon for people in their early 20s to be single or dating around. But when you're close to 30, people notice. His parents set him up with a Russian National figure skater. She's nice enough but they don't last long with their mismatched schedules and distance between them. He hooks up regularly with a goon on the Bruins for almost two years before he gets traded to the Lightning and meets his soulmate.

On home game nights, when his teammates head home to their soulmates, he returns to his empty apartment. The silence is overwhelming. When he feels like the loneliness will crush him, he turns on ASL and RSL tutorials and clumsily signs along.

********************

It's the off season. Usually he tries not to schedule anything on his soulmate's birthday. But admittedly he's starting to give up hope. When Jack invites him to his summer home for a cookout and a friendly game of hockey with friends, he accepts. Its made easier by B's promises of pie and jam. He's pretty excited until he gets there and is slammed with regret.

Milling about and taking pictures are several PR people from the Sharks,  the Aces, the Baby Penguins, the Belleville Senators, and of course the Falconers.

“Sorry guys, I was just so excited.” He overhears Chowder saying. A few Samwell alumni and Falconers are huddled around Chowder and the keg.

“It's alright Chowder. This is good PR.” Whiskey assures him aloofly.

“Yeah and its not like they are staying the whole party – right?” Poots asks.

They all shrug.

Tater makes his rounds. He gives crushing hugs to his teammates, the wellies, and the players from other teams that he has grown to care about. He shuffles in and out of the house. He helps Bitty keep the tables full – and subsequently helps to empty them of their contents. He plays games on the living room's Nintendo Switch, pongs it up with the Pong Master, and gives piggyback rides to the various little ones. He's enjoying himself, but he can't shake the feeling that he's being watched.

He's pouring himself another beer when he glances up and catches the stare of a Shark's photographer from across the room. The guy is lean, with broad shoulders, and flaming red curls. He's also wearing a serious expression aimed right at Tater. His unnerving blue eyes bore into Tater and suddenly Tater feels very self conscious. He trains his eyes on his cup as he takes a drink. When he looks back up, the photographer's face is buried by his curls. The guy is looking down at his camera. Tater is suddenly filled with the fear that he'd just had his picture taken. For years tabloids have tried to make him out to be a heavy drinker. It wasn't true and he didn't need a photo of him chugging a beer to stoke those flames.

He makes his way across the room and stops a few feet from the photographer. “Hey” he says lamely. He was upset a moment ago but now up close, with the man's pale face turned towards him, he can make out the freckles on his nose. He always had a weak spot for freckles.

He was hoping the guy would at least say hello back. Instead it seemed like Tater had returned the favor and unnerved the guy. His eyes were wide and frantically searching around the room, looking everywhere but at Tater. Finally they seemed to settle on something behind Tater. Turning Tater sees Chowder and his soulmate chatting with another couple.

“Uh, hey Chowder” Chowder turned to Tater and Tater pointed his thumb at the photographer. Out of the corner of his eye, he could make out movement behind him, but by the time he had turned back to the photographer the movement had stopped and Chowder had materialized between them.

Then Chowder started introducing them and signing.

“Hey Tater, this is Cody. He's one of our team photographers. Cody this is Alexei Mashkov.”

“Nice to meet you” Cody signed. He offered a handshake.

Tater shook his hand, then he signed back “Its nice to meet you too”

“Oh you know sign language?” Chowder asks exuberantly.

“Yeah, a little” Tater replied sheepishly.

Cody's expression relaxs somewhat, but he still looks apprehensive.

“How do you know sign language?” he asks.

Surprisingly without hesitation Tater responds “I learned it for my soulmate.”

He regrets it almost immediately. He had almost managed to forget that it was his soulmate's birthday. It felt like he just dropped himself in an ice bath. Cody looked about how Tater felt.

Chowder doesn't pick up on the tension.

“Is your soulmate deaf?” He asks.

“Yeah”

“I didn't know that! Are they here with you? I don't think you've ever introduced us! I know Caitlin would love to meet them too!”

“Well I haven't met them myself so.”

“Oh”

Tater wishes the floor would open up and swallow him.

“I'm sorry” Cody signed. His face looks pained, like he felt what Alexei was feeling.

Chowder offers an escape. “We should probably get padded up for the game. I think I overheard a couple guys talking about starting it soon.”

Tater was about to agree, when Cody cuts in. “Wait, can I get a picture of you both before you're all sweaty.”

Tater chuckles at that. “Sure”

Cody maneuvers them to stand beside some of the Zimmerman's tall houseplants and underneath one of the living room's skylights. Tater is a bit disappointed when Cody takes a few steps away to take their picture. Up close he could see the sun bouncing off of Cody's curls. He even got to see his eyes light up when he joked that Chowder and himself should pose like a falcon and a shark respectively. He's still smiling when he aims the camera. Tater is smiling too.

Cody raises his hand and counts down from 5.  With the click of the camera shutter Tater sees words flash behind his eyes.

“Wow he really is a sweetheart isn't he.”

Tater's heart jumps and flutters wildly. He watches Cody's face transform from embarrassment to terror, flaming red cheeks turning to ghostly white. They both stand still, staring at each other.

Finally, Tater asks “It's you isn't it.”

“Yes”

[megashadowdragon]

on lukes moment of weakness and how it is fitting for luke  among other comments

Personally I TOTALLY believe that George's Luke would have been VERY similarly to Rian's Luke.

And here is the reason why.... Luke has almost always been George's insert (lucas pronunced luke S )  and it makes total sense for Luke to be "exiled" and secluded away just as George became with Star Wars after the backlash of the prequels. But at the end of it, he comes back and stands up for what makes Star Wars what it is. Which is what Luke does for the Jedi and themes of Star Wars by the end of TLJ. He has learned from his mistakes, atoned for them, found redemption, confronted those he has failed, inspired hope, and learned to show compassion once again.

Now while George may have done it differently, I do believe that Luke being in exile was a metaphor for George's own relationship with Star Wars and its fandom.

www . reddit . com/r/StarWars/comments/ebb4f3/lukes_momentaneous_thought_of_killing_ben_solo/

I know I'm stepping on dangerous territory here by talking about The Last Jedi, and I only do this because I think this is an interesting take on a key moment of the movie. Just bear in mind that I do not intend to make my point-of-view the absolute truth of it. After all, this is just my opinion.

We all know very well how divisive Episode VIII was, with many people pationately hating that movie. One of the main reasons of complaint is the fact Luke Skywalker had attempted to kill his apprentice and nephew, Ben Solo, because he sensed the Dark Side to be too strong in the latter. Luke Skywalker, the only person in the entire galaxy that saw there was still light in Darth Vader, tried to kill his relative. When even Obi-Wan Kenobi and Yoda had lost all hope Anakin could be saved, Luke helped putting him on the path of redemption, helping Vader turn back to the Light and fulfill the prophecy of the Chosen One. It seems to be an insult that this same character gave up on his nephew so easily and tried to kill him.

I believe things must be analyzed more carefully.

I've just finished marathoning the Skywalker Saga (by the way, I STRONGLY recommend the Ersnt Rister order: IV-V-I-II-III-VI) and noticed something very interesting while watching Return Of The Jedi.

During the final moments of Luke and Vader's duel aboard the Death Star II, we see the young Jedi Knight wants to avoid fighting his father so as not to fall in the trecharous web of Palpatine, who wants to turn the young Skywalker to the Dark Side. Luke is hiding beneath the Emperor's throne. Vader chases him and, through the Force, reads Luke's thoughts to lure him into confrontation:

You cannot hide forever, Luke. Give yourself to the Dark Side. It is the only way you can save your friends. Yes, your thoughts betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially for... sister! So, you have a twin sister!

In this moment, we see Luke's face and he's completely terrified by the idea Darth Vader found out about his sister. It is something new and Luke fears for Leia's well-being. Also, we hear from Vader's words that he cares a lot about his friends, the people he loves. Vader continues:

Your feelings have now betrayed her too. Obi-Wan was wise to hide her from me. Now his failure is complete. If you will not turn to the Dark Side, THEN PERHAPS SHE WILL!

Now we have something different. Since he was brought before the Emperor, Luke had been constatly confronted by Palpatine and Vader with the idea of him turning to the Dark Side. When Vader talks about the possibility of that happening to Leia, it's not a threat directed to him, but to someone he loves. In this moment, Luke loses it completly and attacks Vader viciously, totally enraged. The Sith Lord can't stand the power of his son, fuelled by hate and falls to the ground, defeated. In this moment Luke is prepared to make the final blow, but then he hears Palpatine laughing and clapping. This makes him go back to his senses and realize what he's been doing. He then turns off his lightsaber and refuses to kill his father.

"I'm a Jedi, like my father before me" and so on... we know what happens, so let's fast-forward to The Last Jedi.

When Luke is confronted by Rey, who demands him to tell what had happened between him and Kylo Ren, we learn how things unfolded through Luke's perspective:

I saw darkness. I sensed it building in him. I'd seen it in moments during his training. But then I looked inside, and it was beyond what I ever imagined.

In this moment of the flashback we see Luke's hand reaching out to his lightsaber, almost unconsciously. He then proceeds:

. He would bring destruction and pain and death, AND THE END OF EVERYTHING I LOVE BECAUSE OF WHAT HE WILL BECOME, AND FOR THE BRIEFEST MOMENT OF PURE INSTINCT, I THOUGHT I COULD STOP IT.

Here it is again. Like in Episode VI, we see Luke reacting in a similar way by the notion of something posing a threat not to him, but to the people he loves and cares about. Luke feared Ben would destroy everything he cherished, just like Vader had threatened by turning Leia to the dark. And, just like in the OT, it was a passing shadow:

It passed like a fleeting shadow, and I was left with shame and with consequence. And the last thing I saw were the eyes of a frightened boy whose Master had failed him.

I've already written way more than I expected, so I'll just conclude here. I've realized the act Luke commits in the Sequels is the same (or at least VERY similar) as from the OT: he attempted to kill Vader then his nephew, out of fear of seeing what/who he loved destroyed. He repented and managed to stop himself in the act in both situations. And he was ashamed. So, at least regarding this point of the movie, I see the same Luke Skywalker.

(luke had more to lose now then he did before 

another example which I saw dont remember where I saw it  but I saved the comments unfortunately I didnt put in the links:

edit: (now I remember www . reddit . com/r/StarWars/comments/9a3hdl/)

Luke considered killing Ben for about two seconds in a vulnerable moment

Sort of like he almost got baited into killing Vader by a few mocking words, and cut the hand off his own father in blind rage.

Luke is still just a person. If we've learned anything in Star Wars it's that the Jedi are not superhuman paragons of virtue and perfection, no matter how they might appear to the unwashed masses in the SW universe. They have the same flaws, temptations, failures, etc as anyone else. Yes the Force can help them overcome some of this, but they're far from perfect. Luke could have, and I agree should have grown in a positive way, but it's not impossible or even unbelievable that he didn't. He just had his life's labor wiped out in front of him and blamed himself for it. All those years of finding lost Jedi knowledge and artifacts, being what he believed to be the last Jedi in the universe with the responsibility to restart the order on his shoulders alone. All those lives that he took under his protection and guidance as the Master of the new order, wiped out in one night. Because of him (at least in his mind). Everything he was working towards for years just totally undone in a few hours and it was all his fault.

So he leaves and says fuck the whole lot of it. He lives by himself, stews in his misery and regret, retreats into himself and rejects the most foundational principle of the whole concept of being a Jedi: to help people. He's the most powerful Force user alive and he's wasting away by himself on some desolate rock, swearing off the rest of the galaxy because he thinks that he's a failure, that he wasn't strong or good enough, that he can't win, that it's not even worth it to try anymore, and that even at the height of his wisdom and power, it was all undone, and by himself no less.

another comment

Stuff has changed, I mean he’s quicker to come to his senses. I wouldn’t call that his flaw though. His flaw is one of his greatest traits, his care for his friends and family. It’s a flaw cause it causes implusive actions, lashing out on Vader, leaving Yoda, a single thought that he could stop a horrible fate in Ben.

I personal struggle with a temptation in my life, a temptation to do something my faith says is wrong to do. I may have overcome it some days, but other days, whether the same circumstances or not, I might fall into it. Temptations are a constant battle, not a one and done thing. Flaws are similar, you don’t just grow past a flaw after one instance.

Because a day may come when you will brought face-to-face with that temptation or flaw again, but the circumstances will be different, and it won’t be so easy to overcome.

You mentioned Toy Story in a post, and that’s a decent example when it comes to one facet. Woody might not get jealous when another flashy toy comes along that gets more attention like Buzz did.

A better example of the nagging of a temptation, like Luke dealt with, is in Lord of the Rings. The Ring is a constant temptation to the bearer and those around them. At least by the film, Frodo may have resisted the urge to use it under the tree, but he still was tempted to use it at other times, and it was a constant battle. Same with Bilbo. Bilbo held the ring for 60 years. And the temptation of it held him greatly. He drops the Ring in Bag End, letting it go. If he was viewed similarly to how people viewed Luke tossing the saber, that’d mean he freed himself from it’s grasp and from the temptation to take and use it. We see in Rivendell that isn’t the case for him. He has a moment of wanting to take it back, and even at the end of his time in Middle Earth, he inquires about it, although more innocently curious.

That would be more similar to Luke’s case. To fall to the dark is a constant temptation that Jedi should always be aware of, and if you get close at one point, there’s the possibility that it’ll happen again, and if you aren’t prepared or it comes in a different form, you’ll either fall or get really close.

That turned out longer than I meant it, but I see this idea and..it’s just not the case.

another comment 

Just because you get older doesn't mean you necessarily get wiser and better.

Jedi are still people (and some aliens, but you get the meaning), and the prequels (and even the OT) showed that even the oldest and wisest among the Jedi were capable of mistakes and misjudgments.

I think it's unreasonable to assume Luke should have become incapable of making, or even repeating mistakes and succumbing to emotion.

Right because people only get better as they get older and we grow past our flaws and doubts permanently right?

You guys are weird.

Luke overcame that moment of doubt before he almost struck Vader down and you think what ....... Luke got some kind of videogame like powerup where that character flaw would never come back again?

Some of you have a very black and white (boring) opinion on life and human growth.

Spoiler: People have flaws, we don't all overcome those flaws.Your boy Luke is no exception.

Consider what nearly proved to be his downfall in Return of the Jedi: for all the Emperor's taunting about the Rebel Alliance's imminent demise, it was Darth Vader who finally pushed his Berserk Button by discovering that Leia was his twin sister and suggesting that if Luke didn't change sides, he and his master might have better luck turning her. Then, when Luke went berserk, it totally worked: he curb-stomped Darth Vader and still didn't go evil in the end. His father's killing off the Emperor also put an end to a whole lot of the Empire's evil and birthed the New Republic.

Flash forward thirty years, and once again someone is threatening everyone and everything Luke loves, and killing the guy would surely preempt a whole lot of trouble. In his heart of hearts, he doubtless remembers what Yoda taught him about how easy and seductive the Dark Side is, but he also remembers how Yoda's mistake of hiding the truth about his lineage from him nearly brought his downfall. He also remembers how killing the Emperor solved so many problems the way he'd better not try to solve them this time... Well, what's so tempting about that?

Luke had more to lose at this time. He knew what a relatively free, peaceful Galaxy looked like, and had other students to care for besides Ben. Instinctively, he was acting out of concern for them. Luke makes an important point when he gives Rey the truth: it is a split second. Luke is a hero, but he's human. He was impulsive and acted on instinct in his youth, so the fear of Ben turning is enough to push him to the edge for a second.

hopeforben . tumblr . com/post/623000635980333056/theres-a-significant-portion-of-the-fandom-that/embed

@emeraldspiral​ 

@daughter-of-water​

@someoneintheshadow456​

[luxusnoname]

A Long Forgotten Ache, Pt.1 (Xigbar/Vexen)

Summary: Being a Nobody is easy without all of those messy emotions weighing you down. Still, Xigbar gets to thinking and maybe he misses it a little. Or, rather, he misses someone. But he never goes about things in a straightforward way. The first half of a two part fic.

Characters/Pairings: Xigbar/Vexen

Rating: T (swears, fighting & some blood, nbd)

Word Count: 2.6k

Author’s Note: Part two is technically done, but I definitely want to do some quality edits before posting. Both parts were actually written last year with inktober prompts, but ended up fitting together nicely as one story. I made a lot of improvements to this portion and want the continuation to be on that same level. So in the meantime… Happy 2/4 ^^

~~~

A Long Forgotten Ache

When Xemnas asked Xigbar who he wanted with him on a recon mission in a world with no magic, the freeshooter was perhaps too quick to volunteer Vexen. He could tell that answer wasn’t exactly what the Superior expected.

“Are you… Quite sure? You wouldn’t rather have Xaldin or Lexaeus accompany you?”

“Look, I know he’s the resident egghead and not exactly our best fighter, but he’s the only one around here with an eye as sharp as mine. Well, almost.” Xigbar grinned and pointed to his good eye to reinforce the point. “Yeah the other two have brute strength, but I could really use his intuition on this one.”

That, of course, was only part of the reason. Vexen was also incredibly fun to agitate. The rise he could get out of him wasn’t the same as it used to be, but it was better than anyone else in the Organization. Plus, they hadn’t spent much time together since becoming Nobodies. He would lie if he wasn’t a little curious as to how much of Even was still left. But personal curiosity and entertainment didn’t make for a good argument, so he said nothing more.

Xemnas hummed to himself, considering. “I suppose that would work. But see to it that he’s capable of defending himself without his magic, should there be any difficulties on the mission. You’ll depart at the end of the week.”

Xigbar gave a flippant salute as he summoned a corridor to the academic’s lab. “You got it, boss.”

As expected, Vexen was less than pleased with Xigbar’s request. Something about his talents being best utilized for research, having no interest in a fruitless recon mission, and honestly Xigbar kinda stopped listening at that point because it turned into a full on laundry list of reasons why he had better things to do and he would not be wasting his time with this.

“See, but here’s the thing,” Xigbar cut in a few minutes into the scientist’s rant, knowing full well he’d be there all day otherwise.  “I’m not just asking you politely. These are orders straight from the top.”

Vexen sputtered, nearly dropping his beaker full of who knows what chemical. “Lord Xemnas himself picked me for this assignment?”

“Well, I made a case for you but yeah, boss man’s orders.”

Vexen finally turned from his experiment and narrowed his eyes at the freeshooter. “If you made a case for me, then I suppose my only way of getting out of this is to make a case against myself. Provided, of course, that’s an option.”

“Heh, you’re welcome to give it a shot,” Xigbar shrugged, “be my guest. But I really doubt he’s gonna budge on this one. I was pretty convincing.”

“We’ll see about that…”

In the next morning’s meeting, Vexen made his case. Or, rather, he tried to make his case. It had only been five minutes and most of the Organization was tuning out. Luxord shuffled and cut his deck, starting up another game of solitaire. Xaldin leaned back in his seat, appearing to nap with his eyes closed. Zexion rolled his eyes as the others quietly chatted amongst themselves. Eventually Xemnas cleared his throat, interrupting the academic and regaining the attention of the meeting.

“While your research is of remarkable importance to the Organization, so is this mission and every other mission we undertake. Do you mean to suggest that the orders I give are frivolous?”

“Of course not, but Lord Xemnas-”

The Superior shot him a withering glare that silenced him once and for all. “My word is final, Number IV. You are going on this mission and I’d rather be certain that you’re prepared for it. Whatever form that preparation takes is up to Xigbar.”

As Xemnas disappeared from the room, uncomfortable glances were exchanged among the remaining members before leaving to begin their own missions. Xigbar shot Vexen a smug grin, receiving an irritated huff in return.

After the meeting, the scientist pulled him aside in the Grey Area. He was slightly subdued after Xemnas’ scolding, but Xigbar could tell if he had emotions that he’d be fuming inside.

“While I believe our Superior has far too much confidence in you, I have no other choice but to comply. So how would you like to do this?”

His lips curled into a cheshire grin. “Meet me back here later tonight and I’ll brief you on the mission. Tomorrow morning, we’ll spar so I can test your readiness.”

Vexen gave no indication that he would comply as he stomped off into a corridor, but Xigbar knew he would show. He may grump and argue until he’s blue in the face, but he followed orders. That was one thing that hadn’t changed about him. About Even.

Xigbar caught himself smirking - no, smiling - at the thought of the academic’s Somebody name. Huh. Despite it all, maybe he hadn’t changed much himself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next morning found Xigbar waiting for Vexen in the Hall of Empty Melodies. It was his favored room for training because of all the different ways he could manipulate it with his spatial powers, but he also found himself going there to organize his thoughts when his own room became too stifling. He perched himself on the balcony, one knee drawn nearly up to his chest and the other dangling over the edge.

It wasn’t often that Xigbar found himself pondering his past life. He was essentially still Braig, after all, just without all of those messy emotions. And boy had Braig been a mess. Drifting through life and never getting too attached to any person or place for long, bonds weren’t really his thing. It was strange when he found himself becoming one of the Apprentices. 

Ansem was never much more than his employer, to be honest. The man had taken him in, sure, but the guy was the king of Radiant Garden. To consider him a colleague would have been laughable. Really, he spent the most time with Dilan and Aeleus. They were two of the only people he’d ever considered friends. He got on their nerves and he knew it, but he never pushed it too far (though they might argue with that.) But they never got seriously upset with him. Not like Even.

Even. The academic was skeptical when Braig showed up. Understandably so, but did the cold shoulder really have to be so cold? It was no surprise that the man was a master of ice magic; everything about him was frigid, from his stuffy posture to the very air around him. But it only made Braig want to get closer, to get past the ice and warm him up… 

Heh, now those were some thoughts he hadn’t had in a while. All in all, it hadn’t been too bad there at the end. He had coworkers and a routine and a life. A place to call home, despite never having asked for any of it.

And then he gave it all up.

Did he regret it? Sometimes.

There were moments, when they began falling to darkness, when he considered the consequences of his actions. He hadn’t meant for them to be caught up in everything, but then again, how could it have been avoided? He never once went back on his word to the old man, but he’d be lying if he said there were never nights where the guilt gnawed at him, moments he looked at Ienzo and saw a boy that would never truly grow up because of him.

But that was the old life. He stirred out of his thoughts and assessed the room below him. Vexen wasn’t there yet, but would be showing up soon. Xigbar dropped down onto the main platform. He wasn’t sure what to expect from this fight, but he was hoping to be surprised. 

Even had never been the physical type, relying on his magic for self defense. But there was a noticeable difference between Even and Vexen. Despite lacking emotion, there was something about him that suggested fire beneath the Nobody’s icy surface. Or so Xigbar hoped.

“Apologies for being late, I didn’t want to be here.”

Xigbar smirked at the approaching scientist. “About time. I was starting to think you got cold feet and stood me up. You ready?”

“If I have to be,” he grumbled.

With a nod, Xigbar unzipped and shrugged off his coat. The freeshooter still had the standard uniform of black shirt and pants on underneath, but made a show of dramatically rolling his shoulders and cracking his neck. He snuck a look at Vexen, who was watching with no expression save for a raised eyebrow.

“You failed to mention we’d be disrobing for this,” he muttered, his eyes drifting up and down Xigbar’s form. The freeshooter wondered if he was conscious of it or not.

“C’mon, you call this disrobing?” Xigbar barked out a laugh, peeling off his gloves and throwing them down. “Don’t tell me you’re going commando under there.”

“Well of course not, but-”

“It does wonders for mobility, trust me.”

With an exaggerated sigh, Vexen grumbled to himself as he shed his own jacket. Xigbar couldn’t recall ever having seen the man’s arms bared before - well, mostly bared. His broad shoulders had always been obvious, so it shouldn’t have been too surprising when the scientist wasn’t as scrawny as he’d imagined. Of course, Xigbar couldn’t really talk because apart from Zexion, he was definitely the smallest of the Apprentices in both stature and mass. He gave an appreciative nod before getting into a fighting stance.

Vexen copied the motion as best he could. His form was a little loose, suggesting the lack of experience that Xigbar had expected. But that’s why they were there, right?

He knew the answer before he even asked, but gave Vexen the benefit of the doubt anyway. “You ever done this before, Snowflake?”

“No,” he admitted, “but I don’t seem to have much of a choice in the matter, now do I?”

“Damn straight. After I’m through with you though? You’ll be more than ready for the mission.”

At Vexen’s nod, Xigbar gave a silent countdown. Three. Two. One. Without giving Vexen a moment to think, he lunged and closed the distance between them, hoping to catch him off guard with a swift uppercut. To his surprise, the blow was deflected with relative ease. He took a step back to reassess his opponent.

“Well well well,” he huffed, “I should’ve known the nerd could block a punch. I was gonna take it easy on ya, but now…”

Trailing off, he moved back in and followed up with a series of hooks and jabs, all of which Vexen managed to block. And with each passing second, each failed attempt, the scientist was looking more and more smug. He knew the freeshooter had underestimated him.

As they circled each other, the room silent save for their labored breaths and footfalls, Xigbar grew impatient. He hadn’t managed to land a single hit yet. It wasn’t as if he’d gone into the sparring match with the express purpose of beating on the academic, but he just didn’t understand how he was doing so well. Sure, Vexen wasn’t exactly firing back, instead focusing all of his efforts on defense, but Xigbar was no stranger to a fist fight. So what gives?

And it was then that he remembered Vexen’s signature wasn’t a weapon at all, but a shield. Well, he’d just have to give him something he couldn’t block that easily. He locked eyes with the academic before lunging again.

As expected, Vexen was ready for the attack, dodging the first hit and continuing to deflect the rest. After a few more unsuccessful blows, Xigbar saw his opening and took it. The freeshooter threw all of his weight into a tackle, grabbing the man’s wrists as they both went down.

He sat up, slightly dazed and his own body sore from the fall, but kept the scientist’s arms pinned to the ground. And the momentary look of shock on Vexen’s face - if he could feel shock, anyway - was well worth it. The scientist looked down to see Xigbar straddling his waist and shot him a sneer.

“I didn’t realize this was a grappling match as well,” he hissed between shallow breaths.

Xigbar gave a toothy grin. “Can’t have you being the only one full of surprises, now can I?”

He kept Vexen pinned a few seconds longer, looking down at him. The academic was a mess of blonde hair and faux anger, his chest rising and falling in an uneven rhythm as he caught his breath. He glared at Xigbar, waiting for him to say or do something. Daring him to make a move. And so without a second thought, Xigbar dipped his head and pressed his lips to Vexen’s in a fleeting kiss.

Or, what was meant to be fleeting. The kiss was unexpectedly returned, Vexen’s mouth parting with a quiet ‘mmph’ before falling into sync with Xigbar’s. Something sparked in the sharpshooter’s chest - a long forgotten ache, right where his non existent heart should be. He pulled back, unable to keep his jaw from going slack as he stared down at Vexen. The man’s face was a mirror of his own, almost as if he was equally surprised at the reciprocation. Unless… he felt it too? Xigbar almost thought he saw color beginning to tinge the man’s cheeks when-

CRACK.

In his moment of distraction, Vexen had freed his right hand and swung with all of his remaining strength, landing a solid blow against the freeshooter’s face and effectively knocking him off.

Xigbar clutched at his bleeding and likely broken nose, eye wide with shock. His breath came in gasps as he stared at Vexen. “… the fuck?”

Vexen stood up and grabbed his jacket, furiously brushing his hair back into place. His face was definitely turning red and for a moment Xigbar could swear he was looking at a flustered Even, not the heartless Nobody that had just decked him.

“I’ll see you on the day of the mission, and not a moment before.” He gave the sharpshooter one last glare before disappearing into a dark corridor.

Xigbar couldn’t even think straight as he tried to process everything that just happened. The fight was over quicker than expected. Shit, had he technically lost? Did he just get his ass handed to him by Vexen? All because of some… stupid tingling in his chest that shouldn’t have even been there in the first place. Or at least, it hadn’t been in a long time. Why had he done that?

He laid down, head thunking against the floor as he clutched at his still bleeding nose. Well, maybe it wasn’t all bad. Vexen wouldn’t be telling anyone about their little match after that stunt, so at least his dignity was spared. But that was the least of his concerns at the moment.

In private, Xermnas had confided in him that regrowth of one’s heart was theoretically possible. It was gone now, but he still felt the ghost sensations of a pulse, the flickering of a flame that had long gone out. Maybe there was something to that theory after all. Not that he’d be reporting this back to their Superior any time soon. Or ever.

Instead, it might be worth it to look into the phenomenon on his own. And if he played his cards right, Vexen might willingly help him. He allowed himself a chuckle before closing his eye. After all, research was easier with a partner.

[anuknowha]

Till Death Do We Part// Chapter 8, Selena’s Window

Yolanda sat there in her cell, marking yet another day on the wall. It's been over 24 years, over 8,760 days from when she was first convicted for her heinous crime. It felt like time would constantly move slow, the clock in her room would tick slowly, second by second passing. The ticks would be loud at some points, and at others, they would die down. Those sounds of the clock would ring through her ears and almost drive her mad. It was too constant, it was as if it were something she couldn’t get away from. Time itself was a constant reminder for her, it made her remember her mistakes. It made her remember when she killed Selena.

Currently, at her place on the floor, she was staring at the bunk bed in front of her that was always dormant. They refused to partner her up with anyone, she didn’t deserve it. She didn’t deserve the company, she was meant to be alone. It pissed her off, she hated it but she knew this was the placed she earned in this world.

A curse left her breath as she was called out of her cell for lunch. She had forgotten what time it was. She looked outside her cell and there was a guard, standing ready with a key to unlock her from her prison so that she could be taken to me the mess hall.

“Come on Saldivar, its lunch time.” the guard beckoned as she grabbed her wrist roughly and led her to the cafeteria.

This was the only time that she was able to see other people, but she wasn’t allowed to communicate with them. She would watch them from a distance, as they would look in her direction and spit in it. And speaking of spit, she has been spit on multiple times by other inmates who even knew she had went to far. It didn’t matter what they did, or how long they were in for, they all hated her, despised her, all except a couple. The few who were supported were marked as “crazy”, they would sit as close to her as they possibly could; winking and smiling at her every time they passed her cell, or even just to get food.

They thought it was brave to the star out, they were always jealous of her fame and fortune.

“What does she have that I don’t have? A pretty face? I had one hell of a face before I was stuck in here, I could’ve been a star.” “She didn’t deserve to be so successful. I’ve seen girls prettier than her and she still got to the top of the charts.” “She ain’t make it look that hard, I bet anyone of us could’ve done this. We could’ve done this.” “Hell yeah we could’ve. Waste of time to think that she was going to actually see the end of her career. Thank goodness we had Yolanda here to stop her.” These were some of the things that had been said about her. They wanted to show their support. In their eyes, she was the most successful person there, she actually achieved something that most couldn’t or even feared to do. And with that they cheered her on, and worshiped her like a god.

It wasn’t always the same set of women, after all she’s been here for 24 years and not everyone was still there. Her first group was out on parole after her 9th year there. Second group was gone about a year or two ago. This third group seemed like they were here to stay, well at least one of them was. She was one of the girls from the last group, and older woman, placed back here because she decided to murder her boyfriend. The first time, she was in here for bank robbery. This woman just didn’t know when to quit, but Yolanda wasn’t surprised. She actually grew quite fond of her. And when her security walked away she would move to their table, admiring her admirers and listening to them talk about her success. She would laugh with them, and enjoy listening to their stories of how they ended up here and what they plan to do when they get out, no matter how violent their decisions were. But when her guard came back she rushed back to her lonesome table, wondering how long it would take before she could talk to her “friends” once again. It was the only thing she enjoyed, and it was the only thing to make her feel powerful.

After she finished her sandwich for today, her guard took her back to the cell that she hated. It was her home, and although it was now only 2 o clock, she was tired. She climbed into the bottom bunk and curled up, grabbing the pillow tightly and sighing into it. To be honest, she regretted everything, being part of the fan club and even meeting Selena in the first place. She wish she never knew about her, and maybe, just maybe she still would’ve been out living her life today.

She continued to think about the thing that landed her in this prison of life, one that she would more than likely spend the rest of her life in. She didn’t expect to be out for parole, even when the time comes, she was expecting everyone to never forgive her. If she got out, everyone would despise her, she won’t be able to get a job, and she’ll be struggling to maintain herself. After all, she was going to be over 60; almost old enough to get her social security and yet she wouldn’t have worked in over 30 years. She was going to be broke, she was never going to regain her life. And with that, she tried to clear her mind.

At dinner, she felt strange, she felt as if something was different, as if someone was watching her. She was slightly paranoid the whole time, watching everyone in the dining hall as they walked past her to their tables. It seemed like no one was paying her mind, and not even her biggest fans were looking in her direction today.

“I think her being in here as made her a little crazy.” one teased as she lifted her index finger to her head and rotated it in a circular motion.

“She’s been in here so long, what do you expect?” another one said.

“Maybe she’s just tired. Sometimes, when I don’t get enough sleep, I start acting a little crazy. You know, a little insane. Sleep is important for us.”

“Yeah, yeah, we know.”

“Should one of us go to check on her?”

“Nah, she’ll be fine by tomorrow.” the oldest woman at the table said as she turned in her direction and made a heart with her hands.

Yolanda just sent here a smile and a nod as she sat down the rest of her food, unable to finish due to the mental discomfort and the feeling of unease that tugged at her stomach. Needless to say, she was ready to head back to her cell.

Later that night, after the guards went home, she was slowly entering a relaxed state. She got comfortable as she laid down and turned towards the wall. She closed her eyes and drifted off into a sleep slumber.

At a quarter to midnight, she woke up, feeling like someone was staring directly at her. She looked outside the cell, and there was no one, the lights outside her small room were all off. The small light in her room was still shining pretty bright.

“H-hello?” she muttered out, only to receive no answer.

“Hello?” she mumbled out once more.

“I see you’ve aged quite a bit, must be the stress. You know, back when I was a singer, there was a lot of stress coming from being famous. But, I guess, being infamous can still put the same amount of weight on you. I wouldn’t know.” a voice came from inside the room.

“Who’s there?!” Yolanda jumped, sitting up in her bed, she looked around only to see nothing.

“You don’t remember me? That kind of makes me sad.”

“Who are you!? Show yourself!”

Selena looked down at her from the top bunk. She gave her a smile of both anger and disgust. “Hola bitch.” she stated.

Yolanda let out a scream, one that no one could hear. She continued to scream, before hopping off the bed and running as quick as she could to the other side of the room. He back pressed against the wall.

“You can’t be here!! You’re dead! I killed you!!”

“That you did, perra. But guess what? Since I was an innocent soul, I ended up exactly where you thought I would. In heaven, somewhere you’d never make it to. You know?” she giggled.

“This can’t be real!”

“You’re right it can’t be. It shouldn’t be, but it is, and here I am, in the flesh. My whole body, live and well with not a single bullet wound.”

“B-but how??” Yolanda swallowed hard.

Selena rolled her eyes.

“I just told you how, I’m in heaven.”

“No, I mean how did you get here?! Back to earth!?”

“That, is something I don’t know, but what I do know, is that I am back and I am well.” Selena said hopping down from the top bunk and basically floating to the floor.

Yolanda was still shivering in fear, she couldn’t believe what she was seeing and it was hard to even comprehend.

“You seemed surprised to see me.”

“Yeah!! Because you’re dead! I killed you!”

“You did. And how many years ago was it again? About 24? It's been a long time, and I bet you don’t even care.” Selena hummed as she took steps closer.

“I-I-”

Selena gets face to face with her murderer and looks her in the eyes.

“You’re not so strong without a weapon, without a gun to protect you huh? I mean look at you, you’re cowering in fear, afraid of what I might do to you. And honestly you should be.”

Yolanda grabbed the closest thing to her and threw it at Selena. It went through her, just like it would a ghost. She swallowed hard, her saliva almost getting caught into her throat.

“Trying to hurt me again? I don’t think you’ll find that as successful as you think. Too bad too, this would be a great time to prove how powerful you are.” Selena paused.

“I despise you for what you did. You killed me in cold blood in jealousy, for what? What did I ever do to you? I gave you a job, a home, and somewhere to be yourself, and how do you repay me? You murder me, right when I was hitting my peak of success, my peak of happiness. And not once did you dare to apologize. Not once did you regret anything that you did. Not once did you bring yourself to ever think about the consequences that you would bring about by taking me out. I lost my friends and family because of you, and they lost me. And it's all your fault.”

“L-look Selena, I didn’t mean to- I was just trying to-”

“Quiet!! I don’t want to hear it. You killed me! You took my life away from me!! I was happy and you just snatched it from me because you were being selfish!!” Selena said, tears forming in her eyes.

She tried not to cry but she couldn’t help it. Ghostly tears fell down her cheeks as she balled her fists in anger.

“I wanted to have kids! I wanted to start a family! I wanted to continue making my mom and dad proud, you don’t understand. I don’t expect you to understand. I really don’t” Selena shook her head and relaxed her hands.

“I’m sorry Selena!! I’m so so so sorry!! Please! Forgive me!! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to end your life like that! I was just being jealous, I just was angry that I might be forgotten or left behind by you by the time that everyone knew me.”

“I wasn’t going to forget you. I’m better than that; I’m better than you, and I always have been.”

“Selena!! I’m sorry!! Please!! Please forgive me!! I didn’t mean it!! I really didn’t mean it!!”

“Yolanda, I can’t. You did it, and you have to own up to it and you know this. I was trying to be there for you, just like I was everyone else. I wanted to make sure you were happy, that you were satisfied with your job. I wanted to see you succeed in life, just like I did, and you didn’t have to be famous to do that. You just needed to be happy, you needed to be content with what I was giving you and I was giving you everything. You had a lot of my attention, my time, and my love. You were in charge of my fans. You were to help me while I helped you. You were to be my best friend when I’m on the road but you didn’t appreciate it. It was never enough for you and I should’ve saw it in your eyes, I should’ve seen the anger and rage that ran through you for who knows how long? But you know, I tried to look past it, I was better than that. You know this, everyone knew this and that’s why they’re all pissed at you. They knew I didn’t deserve this. But what should I expect? Trust no one I guess.”

“Se-” Was the only last syllable she could mutter out before Selena cut her off.

“Vete a la mierda.” Selena said as she turned her back to Yolanda and walked away, disappearing into thin air.

Yolanda clenched her teeth, trying not to cry. She felt regret stab her in her stomach and she felt angry at her past. She fell to her knees, scraping them on the dirty cell floor. She screamed loud, her hands gripping tightly at her hair and yanking roughly, pulling strands out. She continued to screech, which echoed through the area that she was sitting in. She could feel herself slipping, wishing that she could take it all back.

The lights flickered. Before it stayed on for the rest of the night, this time, it was just a lot dimmer.

Chris was sitting in his room, his guitar in his hand as he strummed a few strings. He hummed a melody to himself, it was one that belonged to one of his ex wife’s songs. He let a long sigh escape his lips.

It was getting late, and he had been up all day trying to think of something to write, but nothing came to mind. And the longer he sat there with his instrument in his hand, the longer time slipped away from him and before he knew it, it was 1am.

“I wish Selena was here. It's been so long…”

He felt his heart ache. He felt empty inside once more, and that’s probably why he divorced his last wife. No one could replace Selena, no matter how hard he tried. He hung his head in dread.

“Bebe?” Selena’s voice came in a whisper from the other side of the room.

“Selena?” he lifted his head up to be faced with Selena standing in front of him, an enormous smile on her face.

“Selena!” he jumped up from the bed and embraced her in the best way possible in a warm loving hug.

“I missed you so much Chris.” she said, her smile fading only some.

“I missed you more Selena.” he said as he pulled away from her some, only to pull her into a deep, passionate and loving kiss.

Their hearts were beating a thousand miles a minute as they held each other in an embrace. They felt so warm and comforted.

“Wait, how could you be here!? I thought you were dead!?”

“I am dead, sadly… but… I found a way to travel here, and I knew I needed to pay you a visit.”

“Mi amor, its so late... “

Selena laughed and pushed him gently. She took a look at the clock.. “Its only 1 in the morning.”

“Pretty late to be visiting someone don’t you think?” he laughed.

“Fine!” she said pushing him harder so he falls back onto his bed in a fit of laughter.

Selena crawls on top of him and pulls him into another kiss, more passionate than the one before. Their kiss lasted for minutes before she pulled away.

“I’m sorry Selena.” he tried to fight back tears.

“About what love?” she said, questioning his worrying expression.

“I found someone else… but we got divorced! But we do have two kids… I’m so sorry.”

Selena got silent and felt something that she would assume, if she wasn’t dead, would be heartbreak. She shook her head trying to shake the feeling and gave a soft sigh.

“I didn’t expect you to stay single forever, and it wasn’t your fault I died. I just hope you were happy as long as you were with her.”

“I was, but I was never as happy with her as I was with you.” Chris mumbled.

Selena kissed him once more, wiping his tears away.

“Chris, I just want you to be happy, I don’t care how it happens. I don’t want you to just be caught up on me. I’m gone, and I can’t come back in any other way but this one. And it's not permanent. I don’t even know how long I can be like this until i have to return back to heaven but I wanted you to know how much I love you, and missed you.”

“Please don’t leave again.” he almost whimpered as he gripped her wrist.

“I have to, I’ve been on earth for a few hours now and I don’t want to miss out on talking to my family. Don’t worry, I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

“Selena… I love you.” he said, tears continuing to stream down his slightly swollen cheeks.

“I love you too Chris. Say “hi” to the kids fo me.”” she said as she started to fade, her voice zoning out along with her.

Chris sat there, in his room in disbelief, but he soon began to smile. He wiped his tears away and laughed some as he realized that this was the happiest he had ever been in a while.

Soon enough, Selena was in her brother’s house, who was fast asleep. She planted a kiss on his forehead and rubbed his shoulder before leaving out. She then went to go visit her sister who was preparing for bed, and gave her a pat on the shoulder and a hug from behind. Her sister turned around and saw nothing and continued to prepare herself for sleep. Selena knew she would return a better time, when everyone was active and awake so that was she could spend quality time with them.

Lastly, she went to go visit her parents who were sitting in the living room watching tv. She appeared right in front of it.

“Hola mama, papa.” Selena said grinning.

Both her parents sat up and looked at her, wiping their eyes to make sure they weren’t dreaming.

“Selena!?” they shouted in unison as they both got up and ran over to hug her.

“You can’t be real!!” her mom screamed in disbelief.

“I am mama, I’m in heaven, but I managed to come here so that I can see everyone.”

“You mean you already visited Chris and your siblings?” her father wondered.

“Yes, Chris was awake writing music but my brother and sister were sleeping.”

“We just can’t believe you’re here mija! We’re so happy to see you!”

“Me too mom, I’m so glad to be able to see you again. Both of you, here alive and well. It's been so long since I’ve been able to have the embrace of my loved once and I wish it could stay that way.”

“I wish it could too.” her mother was tearing up,

“No, please don’t cry mom…. I know this isn’t forever but I’ll be back I promise and I know you’ll both join me in heaven. I’ll just keep coming back until you do, as much as I can,as often as I can. I promise.” Selena said as she started fading away.

“What’s happening?!” her father screamed in a slight panic.

“It's time for me to go I guess. I’m sorry that I wasn’t here that long. I’ll be back. I love you both, I always will… make sure you tell Marcella and Abraham that I visited them last night, and that I’ll return soon.”

“Bye Selena! We love you!” they said together as her father hugged her mother trying his best to comfort her.

Selena waved and blew them a kiss as she became nothing. Completely gone from earth’s surface.

“Selena! Selena wake up!!” the brunette shook her new friend’s lifeless body in worry.

“Selena!” She shook her harder, as she watched Selena finally started breathing again.

She gasped and opened her eyes. She sat up, almost as if she was startled and looked her friend in the face, giving her a big tight hug. She took a second to gain her breath, her chest heaving and her heart racing.

“I’m fine Lisa. Its okay, I’m perfectly fine.”

“Thank goodness…” Lisa sighed as she clinged to her friend’s clothing.

“How long was I gone…?”

“About 5 hours. I thought I had lost you. I wasn’t expecting you to be out of it for so long. What even happened…?”

“I-I’m not sure…” she said pulling away and scratching the back of her head. “I was able to visit my killer, and I was able to get in contact with friends and family. I was so happy to see Chris… and mama and papa.”

“How…?!” Lisa’s eyes widened in wonder and speculation.

“It must have something to do with concentration and thought…”

“I didn’t know we were capable of traveling to earth.”

“Me neither, not until today anyway. But, I don’t think I can do it again. It took a lot of energy and it was super stressful.”

Lisa grew worried and hugged Selena once more, the warm embrace comforting her as they sat there together.

“I want to know more, but I rather not have you talk about it. I don’t want you hurting or worrying.”

A knock at the door suddenly came and they looked at each other in wonder.

“Who is it?” Selena shouted.

“Um… its Mac Miller.” the voice behind the door said.

“Who?” Lisa asked.

“Mac Miller, the rapper.”

“We don’t know any Mac Miller.” Selena responded.

“That’s fine… but I just wanted some help… please? I was just wondering where we were and how’d I get here? Lemme in maybe?”

“Fine come in.” Selena sighed as Mac opened the door and walked in.

“Me too” a second voice came from what seemed like out of nowhere.

A dark skinned man with dreads and an accent walked in. He took a look around, slightly confused about his surroundings.

“I don’t know where I’m at either... “ he drifted off. “Oh, and I’m Bob Marley!”

Lisa and Selena sighed to themselves as their new focus was now on the two men in front of them.

Taglist: @lennonwhipped @rogers-flowered-blazer @caviarandqueen @caminc91 @sweet-mother-love @peacelennon

[hoyoungy]

On-Air | Vernon/Hansol (III)

genre: fluff, comedy, slight angst, college au | vernon x radio personality!reader summary: under the pseudonym Honey, you are the host of the most popular radio show in the city called Honey Time Radio where you give advice about relationships, school, and life in general. when it comes to your own love-life, however, you don’t have the best luck, and you don’t even follow your own advice! so what happens when you get a call from a listener who’s asking you advice on how to get to your heart? word count: 2702 a/n: i get so carried away with the dialogue LOL. hope you all are enjoying it so far! warnings include swearing & that it’s a dialogue-heavy fic. as seen on my ao3

part ii, iv

“SOOO ~” Wonwoo sang loudly as he plopped down next to you in the lecture hall. “How was your study date yesterday ~?”

You were slumped in your seat at your 10:00 AM, hoodie covering your entire face as you tried to nap for five minutes in between lectures. But no, of course Wonwoo had to ruin your peace and quiet.

“It wasn’t a date,” you groaned. “And oh, my God, you were right, he’s fucking hopeless.”

“Jeez, how long did you guys stay up?”

“You know that 24-hour cafe at the corner by the frozen yogurt place? We were there ’til like, 3:00 AM.”

“What, why!?”

“His second midterm is next week and he knows literally nothing from this unit, so we had to start from the beginning. But he’s really bad at staying focused, so we only covered one chapter!” You threw your head back and pulled on your hoodie strings to hide your face. “I’m so tired.”

“You never stay up that late with me to study,” Wonwoo pouted.

“Shut up, your GPA is a 3.89…”

“It’s not a 4.0, though,” he noted. “Did he ask you to study with him again tonight?”

“Not that I can remember. Last night was a blur and it’s still too early for me to think properly.”

“Did you guys kiss?”

“No!” you exclaimed, giving Wonwoo an incredulous look. “Jeez, isn’t it a bit early for him to be kissing me?”

“Hansol’s a wildcard, so I have no idea what he could be up to.”

“You and me both,” you groaned.

The lecture went on as usual, with you trying to follow the powerpoint slides on one half of your laptop screen while at the same time writing your script for tonights show on the other half. After seeing how stressed Hansol was about his exam last night, tonight you wanted to highlight how to tackle self-care during midterms week. Wonwoo spent his time scrolling through his phone. You hated that he didn’t need to put in much effort to get such good grades.

A message popped up on your screen and the ringtone echoed throughout the room. The professor stopped momentarily and looked in your direction, with the rest of your classmates following suit.

“Please silence your devices.”

“Sorry…” you said. Wonwoo leaned over and peaked at your laptop screen.

’Good morning!’ Hansol messaged you. ’Did you sleep well?’

“Tch,” Wonwoo scoffed next to you. “Are you going to tell him you regret staying up with him so late?”

“No. At least not like that, that’s a bit harsh, isn’t it?”

“I mean, it’s the truth.”

“… Why do girls like you?”

“C’mon, _____,” he rolled his eyes. “Look at me.”

“Ugh.”

’Good morning,’ you typed back. ’I did, surprisingly.’

’What are you up to right now?’

’In my second lecture today. How about you?’

’So you had a 9AM!? Why didn’t you tell me? I wouldn’t have asked you to stay out with me so late,’ he said, sending several sad emojis.

’Don’t worry about it! I’d much rather stay up with you and help you study than sleep.’ You rubbed the bridge of your nose as you reread your message. You sounded like such a dork.

’Wow, what an honor ~’ he teased. ’That’s sweet of you. But really, thanks so much again. I feel terrible, you must be exhausted. Can I buy you lunch today?’

“Say yes!” Wonwoo whispered. “Say yes, say yes!”

“No way, I-I can’t do it.”

“What, why!?”

“He’s moving way too fast and getting too comfortable too quicky. I’m gonna fuck it up soon, I can feel it.”

“You can’t always assume that, that’s what makes you so bad at relationships!”

“I know, but I just… I just need more time. I need to move at a slower pace so I can think things through.”

Wonwoo sighed, throwing his hands up in defeat. “Whatever you say. What are you gonna tell him?”

’That’s nice of you, but I can’t today. Wonwoo and I have to plan for tonight’s show.’ At least you weren’t completely lying - you would always spend your lunch time with Wonwoo planning out the show.

’Oh, with Honey?’

You raised a brow at his message. Why would he ask about Honey? ’No, she usually doesn’t come to our meetings. It’s just us two.’

’Oh,’ was all he sent in on message bubble.

“What are you doing!?” Wonwoo hissed. “Are you trying to make him jealous!?”

“What? No, why?”

“Well, it kinda looks like you are, and I think it worked.”

“Does it really!? Shit…”

’Maybe next time, then. Have fun,’ he sent you.

“Shit!”

“You weren’t kidding when you said you were going to fuck it up soon, huh?”

“Well, yeah, do you even know me!?” you sighed. “What do I do!?”

“Ask to reschedule. But you have to be the one to set the date. Say you want to eat lunch tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow!? That’s still pretty soon -”

“For fuck’s sake, _____, just do it.”

“Ok ok, jeez,” you muttered. “You should be Honey for one day.”

“Fuck no, I’ll only be Honey for you,” he winked.

’Would you like to get lunch tomorrow instead?’ you asked.

And almost immediately, he replied, ’I’d love to.’

“Happy now?”

“I think you just made his day,” Wonwoo teased.

“And we’re back!” you said into your mic. “You’re here listening to Honey Time Radio. As always, thanks Dj Wonwoo for, uh, you know, mixing them beats.”

“Please never say that again,” he dead panned.

“You told me to say that!” you scolded. “Anyways, on the line right now is a caller named Seungcheol who has fulfilled his major requirements the past three years and now is stuck between completing his major and being miserable or starting all over and being happy. Caller number seven, what do you think?”

“I think he should just graduate with the same major,” they said. “He’s spent so much time and not to mention money here, why would he want that to go to waste!?”

“That’s very true, tuition ain’t cheap here,” you sighed, flashes of your student loans appearing in your mind. “Caller number fourteen, how about you?”

“No way, he shouldn’t spend the rest of his life doing what he hates! I think he should start over, no matter how much time or money it takes. A few more years in college will be worth being happy for the rest of his life.”

“Quite optimistic of you! Caller number twenty?”

“Don’t do it, bro, you’ll spend the rest of your life in debt! Trust me…”

“Ah, the hard truth. At least someone said it. Thanks for your input, everyone. Seungcheol, I think you should do what you really want to do if you think you can handle the backlash from it,” you said. “For example, make sure your parents know, or plan out how you’re going to pay for the extra years, you know, all that loan shit.”

“Telling my parents is the scariest part,” he told you. “Any tips on that?”

“Prepare for the worst is all I can tell you. Prepare to get yelled at and for them to not understand. Also choose your words wisely, ‘cuz you know how parents can be when you try to explain something for the tenth time, and they’re like, ’don’t give me that attitude, young man!!!!’”

“I definitely will. Thank you, Honey, you really know how to ease the mind.”

“Aw, I try,” you said, smiling smugly. “Thanks for calling, Seungcheol. I know something like this can be really stressful during midterms week, which leads us to our next topic. Honey Time Radio would like to wish everyone a healthy week of studying, since midterms are next week. Study with a couple friends if you can, because studying alone can be demotivating and lonely. Use apps that block all of your social media for a couple of hours as you study. And rremind yourself that it’s ok to take as many breaks as you need. But most importantly, remember that no amount of studying could make up for skipping meals and skipping sleep. I’m totally guilty of breaking that rule every semester, but I’ve gotten better! Your guys’ health is more important than one midterm grade, so please, everyone take care of yourselves.

“We’ll be taking our last call for this evening. Hello, caller number twenty-two, what can I do for you ~?” you sang.

“Hey, Honey. It’s, uh, me again. Vernon.”

You nearly choke on your water as you hear Hansol’s voice. You gave Wonwoo a brief glance of panic and he just shrugged. What could he possibly be calling back about!?

“Oh! H-Hey, Vernon!” you said shakily. “Nice to hear from you again! What’s up…?”

“I called again because I need someone to tell me that I’m overthinking things.”

“What are you overthinking?”

“So I did what you said yesterday and asked her to study and hangout and she said yes.”

“Hey ~ congrats!” you commented awkwardly. “How did it go?”

“I think it went amazing! I’ve never had so much fun studying before,” he chuckled. You couldn’t hold back your growing smile - Hansol seemed so sweet. “We stayed up until 3:00 AM and just talked during our study breaks. I feel so… myself around her.”

“What’s the problem then?”

“I asked to grab lunch today because I felt bad she had to stay up so late and wake up for an early lecture. But then she said no, because…” he paused.

Your eyes shifted over to Wonwoo, who was innocently listening to Hansol rant. He shot you a guilty smile knowing that the reason Hansol was calling you was because of your friendship with him.

“She said no because she already had plans with this other guy.”

You tried your best to hold back a loud groan as Wonwoo snorted. You couldn’t believe that Hansol was jealous because of Wonwoo.

“What’s her relationship with this guy?”

“I don’t know! She said they were just, um, working on a project together, but they’re literally together all the time.”

“What!?” you screeched accidentally. That was such a lie, you weren’t always with Wonwoo! Just… very frequently… “I-I mean, I can kind of see why you’re upset…”

“So am I just overthinking things or should I be more straightforward with her and beat the other guy to the punch?”

“No! Definitely don’t do that!”

“Really? Why not?”

“U-Uh, she might be overwhelmed with your bluntness or she’s not ready to jump into something so quickly. You guys have only hung out once.”

“So I’m just crazy, huh?” Hansol asked lightly.

“A little bit. Did she at least reschedule lunch?”

“Yeah, for tomorrow.”

“Oh, Vernon ~ you have nothing to worry about yet,” you reassured. “I promise you.”

“Really?”

“Really. Her rescheduling means that she didn’t want to pass up the opportunity to get lunch with you. She obviously enjoyed being with you last night,” you blushed. “However, if she keeps rescheduling, that’s when you should worry.”

“I was just starting to feel sane again until that last part.”

“Sorry, friend! Just making sure you’re prepared for the worst.”

“What about the other guy? Should I be worried about him?”

You see Wonwoo gag from the corner of your eye. “Maybe find out for yourself what their relationship is like first before you jump to any conclusions.”

“Jumping to conclusions is what I do best.”

“You and me both…” you muttered. “I wish you the best of luck, Vernon. Call back again if you need more help.”

“You’re the best, as usual.”

“Thanks, I know ~” you said, hanging up on Hansol. “And that about wraps up our show for tonight, everyone! Thanks again for listening and remember to stay safe out there. Honey Time Radio wishes you all a good night. This is Honey signing off.”

“’She obviously enjoyed being with you last night ~’” Wonwoo mocked, making kissing noises. “So gross.”

“Shut up, so what if I did?”

“What do you even think about him? Do you like him?”

“I think he’s very sweet,” you smiled. “And funny, and charming, and wow, he’s really cute…”

“Then what’s holding you back!? And don’t tell me any of that ’I’m gonna fuck it up’ nonsense or ’he’s only using me for Honey’ bullshit because there’s no way he is if he’s calling about you!”

“I mean, you heard him yesterday! He’s been around, you know? I don’t want to be another one of his collection of flings or part of his hook-up bingo.”

“He wears condoms! At least I hope, I mean, I’ve seen his room and the costco-sized box he keeps.” Your face twisted in disgust as you could imagine why he needed such a box of that, uh, magnitude. “You need to cut him some slack.”

“I’m damaged, ok,” you pouted.

“I know, and that’s why I’m trying to help you. I really don’t know how you’re going to deal with giving Hansol advice on how to win your heart. Isn’t that, like, conflict of interest, or something?”

“Oh, absolutely.”

“Well, good luck with that.”

“Thanks, I definitely need it.”

“Are you going home now?”

“Um,” you paused. You had something else in mind you wanted to do. “No. I think I’m going to ask Hansol what he’s up to.”

“Miss me already?” Hansol teased as you took a sit in front of him in the library.

“Of course. Not like I saw you yesterday, or anything.”

“How was the show? I was only able to listen to the first half,” he lied.

“It was good - someone from yesterday called back again today, which was weird.” You saw him shift uncomfrotably in his chair. “But his situation was really cute. I hope he calls back again.”

“O-Oh yeah, why’s that?”

“I don’t know, I really want to listen to how it turns out. I hope it works out for them in the end.”

“Yeah… Me too.” Hansol gave you a shy smile, one that was completely different than his usual smirk. You could feel the blush creeping up on your face. “Can I walk you home?”

“Y-Yeah,” you stuttered. “That’d be great.”

The first few minutes in your way home were spent in awkward silence. It seemed like he was hesitating to ask you something - probably involving Wonwoo. It was cute how jealous he was of him that you almost wanted tease him about it.

“So,” he started. “How was planning with Wonwoo?”

Bingo. “Good, although I did most of the planning, as usual. Wonwoo just kind of sat there and took care of all the music stuff.”

“Do you two hang out a lot?”

“Other than the weekends, I can’t remember a day where I haven’t seen him,” you said, smiling to yourself. Wonwoo was truly a great friend, and you’d have to thank him more for it.

“Oh,” Hansol said awkwardly.

“Yeah. He’s a great friend,” you emphasized.

“Have you guys ever tried dating before? You seem like a good match for each other…”

“Ugh, Wonwoo’s an insufferable, lazy slob. He’s like the annoying twin brother I’ve always wanted.”

“Really? That’s it?” he asked, eyes wide with hope.

“Are you jealous of him?” you teased, pulling on his hoodie strings again.

“Honestly? A little bit,” he said, looking down in embarrassment. “I was upset that you declined my offer for lunch today.”

“At least I rescheduled!”

“Yeah, so that made up for it.” Hansol wrapped his hand around the one that held onto his hoodie strings again, just like last night. But this time, you didn’t pull away. Slowly, he laced his fingers between yours and led you home, melting away any insecurities you had about him at that moment.

“You’re still paying though, right?” you asked.

“Of course.”

[taeverie]

Loved You Then

Synopsis: After years of being apart Jaehyung comes back to voice his feelings, but there was another event that held him back when he reunited with you.

Pairing: Jaehyung x reader

Genre: Fluff/angst

Word Count: 2769

A/N: another re-upload, but for my one and only day6 fic hahaha

You were eighteen when Jaehyung bidded goodbye to you in the summer; he gifted an envelope that held an inked correspondence with a simple trinket inside.

You remember that day almost too perfectly: He insisted that you would not open the poorly sealed sleeve until you were inside your vehicle, pure intentions to keep the contents a secret until then. It was not a tearful goodbye, sentiments were not dilapidated — rather, the feeling was almost refreshing.

You had known Jaehyung since you were young, being neighbors and stuck in each other’s classes since elementary swirled an ineffable friendship and a perceptible closeness. It started with a smile, a strange greeting that was paired with an effervescent laugh. You mirrored that same expression back that one mid-spring day, glamour gracing your face as you introduced yourself to him, sheepish and quiescent.

He looked at you, hesitant before replying. Though, when he did, you knew that he would have a significant role in your life.

And so he did.

As years stacked upon each other, days being wasted by walking to school together, creating jests in class, and making each other’s way back was somehow just enough for a stable friendship to form. You two stuck together like a being and its penumbra, constantly shadowing each other to poke silly jests or snap mindless comments towards each other’s mistakes.

Recalling the memories while you sat in the backseat of your car drew a small smile to your face, every fraction of the reminiscence appearing ephemeral the more you attempted to rise it to the surface. Episodes of you and Jaehyung engaging in a silent redamancy flashed in your mind: being alone together on holidays, his annoying aubades he would sing to wake you up in the morning, even to the smallest bits like when you both experienced a plethora of sleepless nights to talk about pointless things.

All in all, the admirable sentiment was evocative — one would of had to be blind to overpass the comely connection shared between you and Jaehyung.

But as limpid the raw intimacy was, nothing changed between you two. There were no proper dates, no surprising gifts — everything remained stagnant. All because you and Jaehyung kept each other’s thoughts at bay, afraid to disrupt the equanimous friendship that took years to construct.

Regret rained down on your being that day when you formally parted from him, kissing goodbye to the city and not your childhood love, but as you were being driven away by your parents in the back of the vehicle, it was already too late.

You remember it clearly: how you sat in the backseat that day wishing that the seats would engulf your tearful being. At that point anything would have felt better than the void in your stomach created by the one who would typically fill it. Your world was like a picturesque halcyon, a state of jocularity that you were able to share with him.

But it became nothing.

You recall staring down at the silly letter, tears seeping into the paper as you were no longer able to hold back such withering emotions. You ran your fingertips over the surface, unable to bring yourself to rip it open and reveal its contents. It took a couple of deep breaths to calm your nerves, but you finally did.

Inside the packed paper rested a letter and a necklace — his necklace of a miniature acoustic guitar similar to the one he carried like a talisman. You gawked at the matching jewelry, intransigent and unsure of what to think. Aside from the extensive amount of memories and mere snapshots of each other, you had something from him, puzzled on why.

That was, until you unfolded the letter.

Every ounce of weight that had piled on was alleviated off your shoulders when you read four simple words; a promise established in blue ink:

“Until we meet again.”

–

There is one day left before the start of Spring. Your world has never ran jejune for a second, felicit air sempiternal since your arrival into the new city.

You wake to the melodious chirps of the birds outside your apartment window, a peaceful tune that is a stark contrast to your typical blares of your alarm clock. As long as you have been living in the fresh city for four years, it still feels new to you. You groan, arm sailing to the bed stand to grab onto your phone, groggy. A scintilla of light streaks on your face when you flutter your eyes open, the illumination more unpleasant to your eyes than the brightness of your screen.

You squint your eyes as an attempt to focus your vision, trying to read the time — only to find out that you are an hour late for your breakfast date. You yank your blankets off your bed and raise yourself up quickly, eyes flaring wide when your mind finally catches up to the situation.

Your thumbs race over the screen of your phone, rapidly sending the first message.

[10:02 AM] You: are you up?

You purse your lips into a pout, anticipating an angry response but within seconds you retrieve the opposite.

[10:03 AM] My angel: Of course. Ive been waiting for you to wake up for an hour!! Way to stand me up

You smile at his message, the slight humor the same as always.

[10:03 AM] My angel: haha, i’m sorry. i forgot to set my alarm but at least i slept some more for once

[10:04 AM] My angel: Im joking :)

[10:04 AM] My angel: Still down for breakfast?

[10:05 AM] You: brunch*

[10:05 AM] My angel: Ill take that as a yes

[10:05 AM] You: same spot? you always order the same stupid chicken and waffles

[10:06 AM] My angel: You already know me, haha. Those are delicious too!! Ill see you in twenty?

[10:06 AM] You: thirty*

[10:06 AM] My angel: <3

You pull yourself out of bed, yawning and stretching prior to creating a cup of coffee. Your apartment is as quiet as ever as you walk through it, the only dull sound being your soft footsteps on the hardwood floor. As the liquid seeps into the glass pot you wait patiently, eyes still struggling to keep themselves open; that is, until you finally pour yourself a cup and down it.

The effect is enlivening, traces of fatigue being drawn out of your body as you prepare to get ready.

It is a typical Tuesday morning; nothing too out of the blue or disturbing, just like every other. The sun appears at its peak despite it barely being ten, and your body is quite the opposite. Desultory, you dress yourself and constantly check the time on your phone to see if you are somehow running late.

Within moments you are out the door, on time to meet up with your boyfriend just as promised. The streets are vast, cars barely adorning the streets as you walk by. It feels as if the sun peeping out in the sky is only a decoy, for the chill breeze practically overtakes every hint of heat — so much for summer.

It does not take long for you to arrive at the location: a dingy diner that juxtaposes with the modern architect of the town. Despite its antique exterior, within the confinements of the restaurants radiates sentiments of joy that come in the form of a simple breakfast plate, or even the muted tunes that emit from the speakers.

You stride onto the checkered tiles of the perimeter, the redolence of sweet syrup and fresh coffee swirling together in the air. Seating yourself, you situate yourself at the corner booth — the signature area for you and your boyfriend since the first date — and peruse the menu. It is a first that you arrive prior to your boyfriend; he usually takes punctuality quite seriously.

You cross your ankles as you skim the options, words not sinking in your mind — you are going to be ordering the same breakfast meal anyway. A few more people flood inside and out of the diner, none of them being your awaited partner, and you release a sigh.

Setting down the menu, your eyes fixate on the entrance of the door hoping that with every swing your boyfriend would be the one to waltz past it. You try to focus on the tunes as you wait for him and the waiter, but the thoughts of him arriving keep poking the back of your mind. It is not until you release another sigh for you to realize that there is a shadow being casted over you. You turn your head towards the cause and your heart almost leaps to your throat

Standing beside your signature table is not the same man that you constantly visit the diner; a familiar face, but one you have not seen in years.

And it takes you by surprise entirely.

Your eyes flare wide, two orbs like blown glass the more your mind refuses to fathom who is standing before you.

From the round glasses the summer blonde hair, skin gently kissed by the heavenly sun, you recognize him within a heartbeat. It takes a couple of moments for your mind to comprehend, but everything appears to fall into place the second he flashes that same signature grin.

It is not your boyfriend standing by the table — not the man you have been waiting for — but it is none other than Jaehyung.

You are rendered speechless, sentences lodged in your throat and the few that make it past has the words dissipating on your tongue. After all, what are you supposed to do when you have an accidental encounter with your childhood friend? Communication with Jaehyung came to a standstill two years ago, the routine of texting each other frequently easing away; it did not take long for, even the most diminutive of, conversations to vanish entirely.

Looking at him, those same eyes that always fill with wonder, your thoughts become a whirlwind and you cannot make a simple attempt to break the silence that is being shared. The music in the diner along with the constant chatter withers to white noise, providing you with a feel that you and Jaehyung are the only two people in the diner.

“I,” you begin, surprised. “Jaehyung?” you say his name, unsure.

He blinks twice, mind just as dazed as your own. “Y-yeah… Y/N, it’s been a while.” He smiles brighter, a look of assurance.

“What are you doing here?” you ask while urging him to sit down with you.

He accepts the offer and situates himself right across from you, fingers interlacing on the surface. “I was just in the area, I didn’t think I’d see you here.” He corrects himself, “Actually, I didn’t think I’d see you again.”

His words leave his mouth easily, a polar opposite to how you are unable to articulate your thoughts. You nod, paying attention more to the changes in his appearance than the depth of his words. “I didn’t think so either.”

His smile never falters, pearly whites still gleaming your way. “But… wow. You look different,” he comments, lighthearted.

You laugh. “I can say the same about you.”

“So,” he changes the subject, “how have you been?”

You hum, taking a moment to think. “Great,” you tell him. “Better because I’m getting my breakfast soon especially. What about you?”

“Good,” he responds, immediate. The waiter stops by and fills the empty mugs on the table with coffee, which are quickly followed with a small glass of water. The worker leaves and the conversation resumes like normal. “I’m still working on music and such.”

“That’s great to hear.” You smile. You avert your eyes from his own to look out the window; not in search of your boyfriend, and not as a distraction to shift from the situation, but to collect your thoughts briefly. “Hey,” you turn your attention to him, recalling a significant factor. “Do you still have your tiny guitar charm? The one that matches with what you gave me the day I left.”

Jaehyung appears taken aback, surprised at how you remember such a small item. “Why?” He raises an eyebrow. “Do you still wear it?” he questions, light hearted as if he expects the answer to be a “no.”

Instead, you reach for the long string around your neck, the item hidden by your clothing. You tug it out into the open, showing it off to your friend and on the spot, his smile dwindles. “I said I would never take it off,” you inform.

Jaehyung laughs, content. He sails his hands to his pockets, ready to pull out his keychain as he says, “Funny, because I actually—”

“—Y/N!” someone interrupts. You raise your eyebrows at the calling, head turning when you recognize the voice. Jaehyung halts, blood in his body practically freezing.

“Younghyun!” you say, recognizing the face. “Finally, I’ve been waiting here for a long time.”

Younghyun chuckles and plants a light kiss on your cheek when he sits himself next to you. “Sure you were,” he comments. His attention drifts to the man across from him, unfamiliar and a tad awkward. “Who is this?”

“Ah.” You chime, “This is Jaehyung. He’s the friend I told you about back when I lived in the small city.”

“Oh,” he hesitates, unsure thoughts crossing his mind, “I’m Younghyun, it’s nice to meet you.”

Jaehyung only nods at him, a tight smile etching on his face — his version of saying hello to someone a little unwanted for the time being,

“Jae,” you call. “This is my boyfriend, Younghyun.”

“B-boyfriend?” Jaehyung says lowly, swallowing his breath. He rests his palms on his lap, cancelling the action to pull out his keys. “Nice to meet you,” he says.

But by the time he voices his “hello,” it feels as if he is not wanted in the situation, for you are already far too engaged in a heated stare with Younghyun. Jaehyung cannot pull himself to speak, his tongue running as dry as sand the more he lingers in your presence.

He discreetly watches the way Younghyun takes your hand in his, fingers interlaced, and Jaehyung cannot help but wonder what it would be like if he was in your position — if he was the one to hold you lovingly and have these breakfast dates with you frequently.

It isn’t until he clears his throat and uncomfortably shifts in his seat for him to gain your attention again. You force a smile, remember the earlier conversation. “So, what were saying about the charm?”

“Nothing much,” he fibs, hands balling into fists on his lap. There is a long line of silence shared between you two, a quietude that strangers experience with one another. Younghyun quirks the corner of his lips up, taking note of the situation and he tries to diminish his presence.

Jaehyung continues, “I was just going to say that I lost mine a long time ago.”

Your smile fades at the words you thought you would never hear. He broke the small news so easily, and with a slight chuckle — almost as if the charm had no relevance to begin with, like it was never a silent promise for a reunion. This time, you are frozen and left on the edge of unsure thoughts.

“I should go,” Jaehyung tells you. “Music calls.”

But before you can tell him goodbye, he lifts himself from the seat and starts to amble to the exit. You watch his physique quickly saunter, like the moment shared between you two was toxic, and he turns to do a small wave.

You wave back and Younghyun grips harder onto your hand, a small sign to let you know that everything is okay — whatever everything is.

As Jaehyung is a foot out the door he glances one last time at you at the corner table, catching your fetching grin by someone else’s side — someone that is not him. He smiles to himself, happy to see you are well, and slips out his car keys from the depths of his pocket.

He gawks at it for a little, adoring the matching acoustic guitar that dangles on its chain. After all, he said he would never lose it — the item that promised a reunion, a chance to tell you that throughout all the years, he loved you.

[nicolewannabees]

message to an old friend

I hope you're doing okay, judging from your message you are! Life has certainly changed big time. Its such a strange world were living in right now and its definitely a huge advantage that your business is so corona proof. I wish I saw your message earlier. Im sorry I cut off contact with you so harsh last time. Im not really doing okay, I think this is the worst Ive done ever so far. One of the last things I remember saying to you is that I went on holiday to Ibiza with friends. Right after, everything about my life just went downhill. You must remember that I struggled with my self esteem, and my home situation. I wanted more freedom than I was getting at that point from my parents. I was thinking about moving out to live on my own and focus on my needs. I met a guy that I fell in 'love' with but everything nice about my relationship with him was just a facade. I hope you remember, truly remember, the person I was a few years ago because at this point Im completely lost. My personality has pretty much vanished. During that period I also ended up in a long, severe depression, so that didn't help me at all. I think he made advantage of my vulnerable and insecure state, bringing me to whatever the fuck it is I am right now, more insecure and vulnerable than ever. My family was and is ever so devastated at what Ive gone through with them. They couldn't believe that I would abandon my family, my religion, my morals, all for a guy that suddenly showed up in my life and completely took control over me. My mom now has a serious depression, she expressed multiple times how useless her life is and that she rather wants it to end. My dad doesn't talk to me anymore and he doesn't really consider me his daughter. My parents relationship is also non-existing. I 'ran away' from home with my boyfriend from April to December 2019. We went to live together in Antwerp (his decision because its easier to get a house there in case you have false paperwork). My parents knew that I went to live with a strange man without marriage and they were really saddened by it and disappointed with me, angry with the grief I caused the whole family, especially my mom. I think it took me a few months into living together with him to find out how disgusting his personality actually is. When we started living together, he started to control my life in the most exaggerated way possible. He smashed my phone to pieces multiple times because he 'disliked' a message on my phone for instance. But also because he wants to completely isolate me from any friends or family, leaving me without a phone for months! Any phone I had didn't last longer than a week. Apart from this isolation there was also physical and mental abuse. He harassed me multiple times, has a hard time controlling his impulses to physical mistreat me. He left me with several scarring and traumas. The drug and alcohol abuse didn't make things better either. He involved me in fraud cases with several financial institutes (thank god they didn't prosecute me). His money management was awful to say the least. He loves wasting money and doesn't think about the day after tomorrow at all. He is so jealous and obsessive, his behavior is sickening and I slowly got used to that, forgetting how I used to express myself before I knew him. I constantly had to adjust to him in every possible way. There was no 'me' no more. I had to do what he said whenever. He also has a very nasty way of getting his way (read: disproportional consequences whenever I didn't listen that really made me regret ever standing up for myself). My life evolved around his, nothing in mine was important anymore. I was not allowed to work anywhere! He wanted me to depend on him for everything. God forbid I could actually pay for my own train ticket whenever I wanted to visit my parents. I had to go to sleep whenever he said, wake up whenever he said. He decided what I eat, what I wear, what I buy, how I spend my money, how I do my hair, what I say, how I act, what show I watch on tv, what friends I was allowed to talk with etc. Ofcourse this gradually aggravated with time, he wasn't such a pain in the ass when I just met him. I was left with no one to talk to, I wasn't allowed to meet any friends or family. Even talking to them was very hard, so many of my relationships just vanished over time. I didn't want to bother people with my problems. He has so many undiagnosed mental disorders from his shitty life. He lives from other people, as a parasite, by criminal behavior. All he was doing is projecting his unspoken traumas and feelings onto me. The list goes on, but I think you get the point. So I think not long after I ran away from home, I realized that this couldn't be the person that I thought he was, let alone wanted to spend my life with. In December 2019 I returned to my parents home. It took me a long time doing so because he was involved with everything in my life. I struggled recovering from my relationship with him, because of course had completely brainwashed me and I didn't remember my old urge to be 'me' or to fight for the person that I want to be. I was left with lots of unpaid bills that he caused on my name. Ofcourse after the break up he didn't want to have anything to do with that, stating that it was all done with my 'consent'. My parents reacted to my return the obvious way. They were happy I was back but also terrified that I would ever end up in a likewise situation. So they prohibited me from doing anything, going anywhere. I was controlled constantly by my parents. From a certain view of point, going back home was no better than staying with the person that completely controlled my life. Thank God I was still allowed to go to college, so I travelled for school and sometimes I could go to do sports. Not long after my return, my ex starting to talk me back into communicating with him and meeting up. I understand that, still knowing how weakened I was from his mistreating. My parents had absolutely prohibited me any contact with him, but I didn't listen. Then in March Covid 19 came and with lockdown my dad ultimately found his way in 'locking me up' in the house. I wasn't even allowed to go to the supermarket for some groceries on my own! The lockdown drove him nuts. So there I was, locked up at home, struggling to talk with my friend. My friend (female) wasn't even allowed to sit in my backyard with me. My dad said I couldn't have any contact with anyone because of Covid. My mom had severe pneumonia in the past so Covid is very life threatening to her. I endured this from march until September. In that whole time I was locked up 24/7 at home, my dad was working at home and my sister was homeschooled. It drove me nuts. Ofcourse my ex was trying to seduce me into getting away the whole time, with holidays to France and Ibiza. I didn't give in, but at a certain point I just had enough of it. End of September he asked me to go to Dubai with him and all his friends that of course had also become my friends. I left home with a single suitcase and to be honest, I never went back to home after that. It was my intention to come back after a two week holiday, but that never happened. I stayed, and my fear to return home has only grown by time ever since. After that I lived with his mom and sister. That house is a complete mess, with people coming over all the time and the noisiest you can imagine. He doesn't live on his own, but still I was thinking, he was out the whole day despite of Covid and I went along with him wherever he went. So even considering my history with him, it wasn't worse than what my dad litterly called prison. I never told my parents that I live with him again, I think that would crush anything I have left between me and my family. So Im still denying that I have any contact with my so called 'ex' for the sake of my moms mental health. And especially because I always knew well that I would come to a point that I have long reached. Everything I told you about my history with him has repeated itself, perhaps even in a worse way. Maybe Im now used to it more, I fight less because I know what I have to lose, my pretty face for instance. A month ago his mom kicked us out of the house. She was done with his violent and irresponsible behavior. The last drop was breaking his sisters laptop on purpose while being completely drunk and in rage. After that, we looked for a long stay in a hotel. So that's where I am right now, somewhere in the middle of the country because staying in Amsterdam was too expensive. Im still not allowed to see anyone, talk to anyone (since Im with him again he broke two expensive phones of mine), Im left without a phone because I don't even bother anymore. Im not allowed to work, I get a loan for my studies every month but he decides where the money goes to and Im left with nothing every month. He is very well aware that I have no one to rely on, and he abuses that knowledge. Friends that I had have broken their contact with me over time because a person that is completely controlled by an abusive boyfriend is difficult to deal with. I have long opened my eyes and I know what I want for myself. At this point he does what he is best at, and that is prohibiting me from studying and receiving my college degree. I don't decide how I spend the day and I don't even have my own laptop to study on because he broke it. He decides when I can make use of his, and Im completely tired of it. Back in the days he used to take me anywhere he went as well. That was the only bright thing about his presence, but at this point even that has come to seriously concerning tendencies. He now simply leaves me in the room when he goes to his friends or doesn't want me around during parties, or whatever the fuck it is that he does. He has always had so much contact with several women during our relationship, I also caught him cheating many times, so Im not surprised by anything. But at this point I don't care about that anymore, I just think of staying sane myself. I realize well that Im being eaten up by the circumstances. He doesn't want be to become independent, where I can make decisions for myself and punish him for miserable behavior. Im completely done with his as a person, a friend, a partner, every day I spend with him is just one too much. But I can't go anywhere, especially without money the possibilities are so limited. So yeah, life could be better and Im currently trying to find out how Im going to escape this miserable life. I want to live on my own, but for a room I need the first month rent and two months deposit. Then I can look for a job, finally find the time for myself to heal and restore my mind. I tell you all of this because I desperately needed someone to talk to and I always considered you a good friend that I could tell anything to. That makes the answer to your question yes money is very tight and I do need work haha. I need to escape from this psychopathic narcissistic person as soon as possible. Sorry for this mess and thank you for reading my message.

[cherubhearted]

92 Truths Tag

RULES: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 92 truths about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged!

Tagged by the lovely and the amazing @purelysoft ! tysm <3 

LAST:

Drink: dr. pepper

Phone call: to my manager for work ;u; 

Text message: me complaining to my bf about having to work tomorrow!

Song you listened to: “your reality” from doki doki literature club </3

Time you cried: it was almost today, lol. i dont actually remember the last time, i think when i watched doki doki for the first time.

HAVE YOU EVER: 

Dated someone twice: nah fam

Been cheated on: nope

Kissed someone and regretted it: mmmm nah

Lost someone special: yes.

Been depressed: for sure. it’s something i still battle with unfortunately, but i’m better than before.

Been drunk and thrown up: i’ve never thrown up from being drunk, but i’ve never gotten that wasted before either.

IN THE PAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

Made a new friend: i’ve made several new acquaintances. i’d say the only “real” new friends i’ve made were about two years ago when i started college. 

Fallen out of love: nope i’d say i’m more in love now than ever before <3

Met someone who changed you: not this year, no. 

Laughed until you cried: yes, over the dumbest thing too lmao

Found out who your true friends are: yeah, i think so.

Found out someone was talking about you: is this just bad things? i found out one of my friends says very nice things about me haha. but i don’t doubt people talk bad about me all the time either. or am i just paranoid? idk.

GENERAL:

How many people on tumblr do you know in real life?: like...four i think. 

Do you have any pets?: yep, i have 5 cats (yikes! sounds like a lot but only two of them solely belong to me because i adopted them, haha.), two dogs, and some small fish.

Do you want to change your name?: i legally want to change my name to my preferred name, yes. 

What time did you wake up this morning?: twelve p.m., i slept in haha.

Name something you cannot wait for: the black panther movie!! also can’t wait for the my hero academia fighting game, and the day me and my bf finally get a little apartment together. <3

Have you ever talked to a person named tom?: um...does tom from animal crossing count??

What’s getting on your nerves right now: work, omg.

Blood type: i dont know actually 

Nickname: i have a few...davey, and baby boy are my boyfriend’s favorites <3

Relationship status: taken as heck 

Zodiac sign: aries! 

Pronouns:  he/him

Favorite show: haikyuu! <333 

College: art institute!

Hair color: platinum blond/gray, my natural hair is a dark strawberry blonde

Do you have a crush on someone: is it bad i get crushes easily? but my bf is still my #1 crush

What do you like about yourself: i’ve grown a lot as a person and keep growing every year. i’ve learned to love myself when i used to detest myself, and i can at least say i’m proud of who i am now.

FIRSTS:

First surgery: idk if it really counts as a surgery but i had to have some scar tissue lasered off before. 

First piercing: my first and only, an industrial bar in each ear. 

First sport you joined: track and field! the only sport i was interested in joining since i was little.

First vacation: ummm probably a trip to California when i way too little to remember it?? so does that really count.

First pair of sneakers: baby sneakers probably 

RIGHT NOW:

Eating: these little chocolate covered strawberry cream cake snacks.

Drinking: dr. pepper

I’m about to: work on homework

Listening to: “a horse with no name” michelle branch 

Want kids: nah. if i ever did, i’d wanna adopt, that’s the only way.

Get married: hm...well i obviously dont want to right now, but im not opposed to ever being married!

Career: i work in retail right now, but i’m working to become a designer.

WHICH IS BETTER:

Lips or eyes: geez, idk, both? but in my opinion a really nice pair of lips is like, the greatest blessing a person can naturally have.

Hugs or kisses: ahh...i love both...but kisses are great....wait, why am i on about lips again??

Shorter or taller: ffff. how can i choose? it depends on the person.

Troublemaker or hesitant: gotta love them troublemakers.

Older or younger: ummm is this for romantic interests or? well ive always gotten along with older people anyway. one of my best friends is five years older than me in college so i guess thats a good age range. 

Romantic or spontaneous: ummm romantic! im such a sap

Sensitive or loud: mmmmm idk really? i like...people that are both. i’m both too so maybe thats why.

Hookup or relationship: ive never had a hookup haha. so relationships.

HAVE YOU EVER:

Kissed a stranger: lmao nope i dont have that kinda nerve

Drank hard liquor: nope i probably would hate the taste too much

Lost contacts/glasses: i’ve lost my boyfriend’s!

Sex on the first date: nope, i dont have enough first dates haha

Broken someone’s heart: unfortunately, yes. i’ll admit to it, bc i wanted to be friends and she didnt

Been arrested: omg heck no

Turned someone down: eheh, yeah, unfortunately, a lot of people 

Fallen for a friend: yeppp 

DO YOU BELIEVE: 

In yourself: some days!

Miracles: nah.

Love at first sight: this is gay but yes bc i literally was so smitten with my bf the first day i ever met him. never thought that was possible tbh

TAGGING: ummmm lemme tag some cool blogs! i’d also like to get to know these guys better:

@malnedott @stephie-senpai @lunawlw @goth-kid @safeflora @moonkidcat @chire-styx @beautiful-smol-prince @lambmilk @chaste-juvenescence @rotten-angel-food @kultani @heavensentcherub 

You don’t have to do all the questions if you arent comfortable with some of them! also anyone who i didnt tag (theres so many of you lovely followers!) who wants to do it, please do! i wanna get to know you guys better. <3

[edmartinsta]

Nice To Think I’m Still On Here

Woah has life changed since this. Tumblr is my first place I ever published anything and posted anything before Facebook and Twitter were even a thing for me. I cant tell you how excited I am to know that from here on out I can log in and continue something special to my heart. My posts are a little here and there so I hope I dont scare you away or weird you out or make it boring. From this moment I’ll try to continue my content through here where I know only one person will actually know to find me and no one else haha. To those that may not know me so well I used to be a music blog where I would talk about so much stuff until I realized I wanted to make a website. This was more of a private thing and actually more public than it is now with Tumblr’s popularity back in 2010ish when everyone I thought was cool owned a Tumblr. I guess I can’t blame them I left for a long time this and fell off hard even though I probably could have done something pretty cool with it by now or used it to help me on my other things. 

Little update: I left high school in 2013 so not much after the music posts I remember stopping this and maybe continuing it here and there, After there I went to community college where I ended up making lost of memories which im sure I’ll have plenty of time reminiscing with you guys, I then moved to Chicago to follow my dreams as a designer and stayed out there for about four years. Was amazing and could have been better if I planned better and actually could get a job out there that was laidback as I was a pretty tardy asshole to my employers. I wasnt late by hours but I was late often and if that didnt get me fired I would simply quit and never show my face there again. It was a mess, I was a mess, everything was fucked up but everything was also new and fascinating. I dont regret any of it. Now its been years since college and sadly I never finished with a semester remaining. That was a terrible day for my mother I could see she wanted to yell and cry because I told her I got expelled basically from art school for flunking. Man that was a terrible situation I tried to tell people I really tried my best was just a reckless kid who could never get any sleep and was always thinking of what to do and not doing the stuff. Ugh I get upset just thinking about it. So much time wasted. But I suppose I at least realize it now....also that I still dont regret it, it shapes us these failures. im 25 now and soon to be 26 and honestly I’m scared shitless. I feel like i never saved anything, never built credit, havent gone on a date in years, havent gone to eat with friends more than five times in six years, have broken almost everything I own in some sort of way. i dont eat correctly all the time, i dont exercise to keep the figure i used to have less than two years ago. I started college senior year of high school and somehow still screwed up the process and fell behind over and over again and even got screwed by the education system and now have tons of debt which im barely getting out of because of my amazing mom who is also the most toxic person in my life. Man........i know I look bad i know i suck.....im not perfect in any way.....I lost my way..........I know my way back and what I gotta do but........that time ill never get back. Ive never had a stable job in my life for god sake. Ugh I hope I dont come off as a failure I feel it completely but I dont want to be one. I have done so much in my life and met amazing people that honestly makes it all worth something but damn my heart........I don’t want to blame anyone but myself. My parents werent the best educated and still scares me to think I was so alone when I was younger that even my parents only talked to me to put me down and still kinda do but now we can carry a conversation and bond a smidge...im 25......

This quickly turned into something more than just a update I got caught up. But I want to take this extra step in my life to document on here most of my thoughts and things as I used to back before high school culture was no more for me. To Christina.....if you read this at all...just know the only thing over the past couple years on my mind has been you if not my purpose in this life..my life....has been nothing short of terrible since we last talked and yeah I had a ton of good luck too and am blessed to say the least but the man I said I wanted to become just hasnt happened yet. I let myself go for a bit...but now I want to show the world and you...that the past couple years didnt just happen for nothing....there is so much, so fucking much I got planned and been planning for that I just hope you see why it took so long. My time will come..and maybe one day we can talk and laugh about all this because you were one of the most memorable people ever to cross paths with and even though we barely text each other anymore I hope one day we can be good friends again. Im sure we all been so busy surviving. 

To those who got this far I really didnt expect anyone to finish this. It was a huge ramble. But I hope you can see I came a bit moody into the post but also with hope and excitement that Tumblr will be my home again for getting away from social media. Its been almost two years since I posted on Facebook and I dont use instagram as much anymore so ill be on here :D message me if anyone wants to be friends or anyone who may relate heck anyone who thinks they wanna be friends haha penpals that maybe have art side to them too??? hahah okay thats all bye everyone <3

[ignaziosearring]

I have a request that isn't xmas or new year's eve themed (it can be tho) it's about the song El Reloj, it is a beautiful song that I love so much from the boys. It is in Spanish so I don't know if it is possible. I like your imagines very much!! Specially the Ignazio ones🙈

This is not where i explain why i have been so silent over the past few months. This is where i announce that I’VE MISSED YOU GUYS SO MUCH AND I’VE MISSED WRITING SOOO MUCH! Hopefully, I’ll be much more active from now on as i try to balance everything with uni.

I have been writing this story for about 4 months, going on and off, deleting and starting again. It’s *too* long, like 1600ish long, but i think it needed this length. The topic is a *bit* dramatic (trigger warning), bc you know me😇. Also please allow me to dedicate it to my uncle who passed away on Sunday bc of cancer.

I’M BACK PEOPLE PASS IT ON! LIKE/REBLOG/COMMENT!

Xx

~•~

Tap.

Tap.

Tap.

The transparent liquid was falling in drops from the IV bag to a small cylinder. The drops were synchronized with the shrill beeping sound coming from the heart monitor. The door opened and let a cold breeze sweep inside the room. It took a worryingly high amount of energy to lift my hands and rub my arms. It took more time too. The bones felt heavy and numb. The side effects of morphine. At least the pain was bearable, even for the ultimate hours.

“Are you cold?”

Gianluca had come inside. The glass window reflected his tired figure. His eyes were red and swollen, a sign he had been crying again. Before reaching this stage I would have thought this as an oxymoron. Gianluca was healthy, young and beautiful. He would live a long and happy life. He wasn’t dependent on anyone or anything. He wasn’t in constant and unstoppable pain. He wasn’t counting down the remaining months, days, hours. He didn’t see the last glimmers of hope wash away in one frown of a doctor. Yet he was the one crying.

“Let me cover you.”

His moves were careful and balanced, as always.

“They’re trying to tackle the heat wave with the air conditioning.”

Smalltalk. He was poorly attempting -and failing- to avoid the issue that had risen a barrier between us the past two weeks. He wouldn’t even look me in the eyes. I observed him carefully in silence. His body was tense as he sat down on the chair beside me.

Then, I turned my head to the window again and were confronted with my miserable reality. A body that was fighting itself. Flesh ashen, paler than a ghost, lanced here and there for various medical exams, hanging on bones. A red scarf was covering the bald head. Soul and mind twisted by a sickness that had come all too quickly to end a life in its blooming days. I couldn’t recognize myself in that reflection. I was long gone. The word “terminal” had been vibrating in my ears and hunting me in my nightmares every night.

“There’s no moon tonight. Only the stars.”

He too had turned his gaze to the window. I glanced at the sky and realized that stars would start falling soon. That special night of every year. The magnificent phenomenon that ten years ago had become the reason we had met.

“Gian.”

Our eyes met momentarily for the first time in a long while.

“Don’t do it.”

“Do what?”

“Wish that the medicine won’t work.”

His initial surprise was replaced by guilt.

“You haven’t made peace with my decision, Gian.”

I wasn’t angry, on the contrary I was smiling understandingly at him.

“Wha- why do you say that?”

He was stuttering and nervously running his fingers through his hair, like a young boy caught doing a mischief.

“You were crying, you can’t stand looking at me for more than two seconds and you’re trying to avoid talking about it by making damn smalltalk. You are angry.”

The outburst that followed was exactly what I was hoping for. I knew him better than anyone, he always bottled up his feelings and let them torment him. I didn’t want to leave him in anger along with everything else.

He jumped up and kicked his chair hard, fresh tears already visible.

“Of course I’m angry! Tonight I have to say goodbye to the love of my life! I’m angry at God, the universe or whatever it is that is out there. How can they be so cruel? Who gave them the right to do this to you? To us? It shouldn’t have been like that. We should have been old, very old, with grandchildren or even great grandchildren. You are too young to die.”

The raised voice and rapid flow of speech, the spitting of words gave their place to a sorrowful whisper.

“It’s too soon to say goodbye.”

He had slid down the door and had folded his body, his face buried in his hands.

“Gian, I know it’s not only that you are angry with. Say it. It will liberate you. It will liberate me.”

He raised his face slowly and gazed at me. His look was filled with regret, wrath, sorrow, pain. His lips were pouted.

“No.”

His answer was firm now.

“I don’t want to fight in our last day.”

“And I don’t want to go without making things right between us.”

A piercing look was enough to convince him to sit again beside me.

“What do you want me to say? That I’m angry at you? Yes, (y/n), I am angry at you, here, you have it. You, you gave up. On yourself, on our relationship, on me.”

“I didn’t. I am not giving up right now. This medicine is not giving up”, I pointed at the IV.

“If I had given up we would have been having this conversation 6 months ago. I didn’t give up when the doctor said terminal, nor when he said that all I had left was eight painful, excruciating, humiliating, inhumane months. I didn’t give up when the first clinical trial you managed to get me on failed. Nor the second, the third, the forth. I didn’t give up even though the only thing I gained from those trials was more pain, all while losing my mind cell by cell. I did it for you. I saw the determination in your expression to prove the doctors wrong, the sleep deprived eyes that had spent innumerable nights going through research by research, the contacts with pioneer oncologists from all around the world to get me on their trials or suggest a different, more promising medical plan.”

Speaking for that long was exhausting and made me burst into coughs. His look softened and became worried as he gave me some water.

“Then why are you doing this now? Even if we couldn’t get you on another clinical trial, we would still have two months, just the two of us. We would go home, spend those two months together. We would have more time!”

His voice came out as an exasperated whisper. One last hopeless beg.

“We wouldn’t.”

I was firm. I looked him in the eyes and finally spoke my truth.

“You need to understand Gian. This is not me. This is not the (y/n) you met, fell in love with and married.”

He tried to stop me but I raised my palm firmly and continued decisively.

“I can’t even bear to look at my reflection on the window. And when I do, when I do I can barely recognize myself in there. Do you think it’s easy for me? Don’t you think I want more time? I wanted to grow old with you and bear your children. I wanted to achieve all the dreams I had ever since I can remember myself. God knows how hard I wish for more time. Even when I signed that paper. Even now. But not like this. This is something I can’t keep going through.”

“(Y/n)…”

He burst iinto tears. The body mechanism to get one’s pain roll down and wipe away. I started crying too. He understood. I knew he understood, otherwise he wouldn’t have let himself pull apart in front of me. He knew I had to do it.

“It’s better this way Gian. I know it’s already painful enough for you to see me wash away all these months. This will save you at least some pain. You’ll see me go down sane enough. A good comander knows when they’ve lost the war, isn’t this what they’re saying?”

He chuckled and took a deep breath to gain his composure.

“Come here lay beside me.”

We laid on our sides and hungrily looked each other in the eyes. Our sobs were quieting down.

“Gian”, i began, “I want you to promise me something.”

His expression darkened again.

“Don’t say it.”

“Listen to me. I know it hurts but you need to. After tonight you’ll be alone. I don’t want grief to blind you. Take your time to cry, to unleash the emotions that are meddling with your mind. But don’t waste this gift you were so graciously given. Don’t let your life perish. Live Gian. Do you remember my favourite movie?”

“Dead poets’ society…”

“Professor Keating fought to teach those children to seize the day, Gian. All the nights I couldn’t sleep because of the pain I’d go back in time and realise that i let so many days go by in vain. Our worst sin is that we think we are immortal. We always think there will be enough time to do everything we want, someday. But there comes a time that you are faced with the fact that you can’t. It’s too late. The clock is running out of battery and will stop ticking soon. All you have accomplished seems too little, all your dreams become missed opportunities, just because you thought you would achieve them later. There is no «later», Gian, only «now».”

I touched his cheek where a tear was rolling down.

“Don’t let my memory hunt you. Remember me with love, treasure our moments, but move on.”

“I… I can’t,” he mumbled, looking away, “you are the one for me.”

“I can’t be, Gian. You are the one for me, but I’m not. Otherwise this wouldn’t be happening. Somewhere out there is a very lucky girl that will capture your heart. And I will be more than happy when you meet her.”

He closed his eyes tightly to fight his tears.

“Don’t die with me tonight, Gian. Just promise me this.”

He didn’t say anything. He just nodded with his eyes still closed.

For me, it was enough.

He hugged me and helped me turn around. Like the past 10 years, we looked at the exploding stars leaving their last mark on the universe. I made one wish. I felt free. And then…

Salvation.

[dontshootmespence]

The Penrose Triangle

Part 3

Everyone left eventually. He was convinced as much. Maybe it wasn’t because they’d willingly left, but the universe somehow decided that when he was born, people would come and go, and apparently the words would too, so he decided if he never knew who his second soulmate was, he’d never lose them.

Maeve had left – taken away at just over the age of 30 after the universe taunted him with her love for just over 100 days. Elle had left, unable to reconcile her desire for revenge and her role as a law enforcement agent. Emily had left, and fuck if that wasn’t too complicated a situation to delve into on his way into work. Granted she’d come back from the dead, but it wasn’t the same, because she needed to create a new life for herself. Gideon had left, with just a note saying he was sorry for how him leaving was going to affect Spencer.

No one’s life revolved around Spencer. He knew that. And that was fine. Everyone’s lives were intertwined with someone else, who was affiliated with someone else and so on and so forth, so did Spencer ever expect anyone to make a decision for themselves based on how he’d react? Of course not, but it didn’t help him from wondering whether or not anyone of his friends or loved ones who’d left realized or cared how it would affect him. Emily was the only one he knew of for sure that regretted the way everything had happened, but that was because she had been the only to ever return.

Elle and Gideon were god knows where. As he rounded the corner to pull into the Bureau parking lot, a meeting with Hotch waiting, he let his brain wander. If he had his way, they’d be back, but in lieu of them returning, he hoped for their happiness. He hoped that Gideon had found love again. After losing his college sweetheart to Frank Breitkopf, he couldn’t deal with the horrors of the world, vanishing into thin air. Spencer hoped that he’d found someone else, a light coming to his eyes that had been ripped away so violently years earlier, as he saw new words spring to life across his skin.  Together, they would travel across country over and over again, taking in the beauty of the world that had been eroded away during Gideon’s 30 years with the BAU.

In Elle’s case, Spencer couldn’t even hazard a guess as to where she was. In the time he’d known her, she didn’t have those blessed or damned words (depending on who you spoke to). Maybe she had found someone since then. Maybe not. But wherever she was, he hoped she happy. In a perfect world, she’d have formed on organization for sexual assault victims, something to help the people she had so desperately wanted to help, in a way that didn’t require breaking the laws she swore to uphold.

So that was what, five, six people that had left in one way or another? Gideon, Elle, Emily, Maeve, his father, and most recently Blake. Like a mother to him, she’d left after he got shot. Again, the horrors of this job kept taking their toll on the ones he loved. Having Blake leave hurt more than he thought it would 

The friends he did have he loved more than anything else in the world. However, they definitely weren’t known for minding their own business. Actually quite the opposite, which was bothersome no matter how pure the intentions. But Blake was different. Blake always made it known that she was there for him if he wanted to talk, but never forced him too, through words or body language. She was effortless to be around, but in a familial way rather than a romantic way. He was convinced that if the universe hadn’t already showed him that it was possible for him to have a romantic soulmate, he would’ve seen Blake’s first words to him on his arm. For all he knew, they could be lying under the bandage he continued to wear – more than a year later. Although Maeve’s death was getting easier to handle day by day, he still wasn’t ready to see those words. There were too many awful possibilities that he couldn’t handle after all he’d been through.

After parking at 7:13 in the morning, he’d apparently sat in the car in deep thought for the past six minutes. His brain told him to move (he did have a meeting to go to after all). While he took the steps up slowly, wanting more time to himself and his mind to wander, he tried to decipher Hotch’s words. What did he want to talk about? Hotch had only said that he wanted to talk to Spencer before work in the morning, but it was a solo meeting.

Gently, Spencer knocked on the door, cracking a small smile as Hotch said good morning. “Come on in, Reid,” he said, sitting down at his desk and searching the younger agent’s eyes for how he was feeling this morning. “How’re you doing?”

“Sleepy,” Spencer replied with a shrug. He sipped at his coffee, which he wished he could ingest in IV form because once he was physically up he hated wasting time on actually getting up mentally. “But otherwise okay. Why did you want to talk to me this morning?”

Hotch smiled, Spencer, much like himself, was always the kind of man to cut to the chase, but for his extensive IQ, he hadn’t deduced what it was that Hotch wanted to talk to him about. “I just wanted to talk about how you’ve been feeling since Blake left.”

In a huff, Spencer got up to leave. “Sit, Reid. I’m not done.”

Spencer rolled his eyes and turned back into the seat, taking another large cup of coffee and nearly burning his throat. “Why do we need to talk about this? It sucks. End of story.”

“Not end of story. You dam up your feelings and when it gets to be too much we both know what happens.” Spencer saw the smallest of glances between Hotch and his own arm. He was referencing the dilauded he turned to, or desperately wanted turn to, during times of great stress. “Reid, you and an invaluable asset to this team, for your mind, and just the dynamic of the team. We all need you, but we need you at your best, and when you keep these emotions bottled up, you are not at your best.”

A minute or two passed by, during which time Spencer stared everywhere but where he was supposed to. “Everyone leaves Hotch. That’s my life. What can I say? My father left, then Gideon left, then Elle left, then Emily left, came back and left again, then the love of my life got shot, and now Blake is gone. What am I supposed to do with that? Am I supposed to operating at full capacity barely a month after Blake left?” When he was younger and had just joined the Bureau, Spencer wouldn’t have allowed himself to get so snappy with a superior, but aside from being his boss, Spencer also considered Hotch a friend, and right now his friend was making him angry. “Because I’m not. But I always get back to where I need to be when people leave me alone to grieve in my own way. Blake understood that.” He said that last bit under his breath, a lone tear stinging at the corner of his eye as he looked down at the floor.

Hotch understood. They all got each other to a deeper degree than most people understood their friends given what they did for a living, but Blake’s connection with Spencer went deeper still. “I know Blake leaving hurt you, but that’s all the more reason to seek someone out to confide in. Does keeping in all make you happy?”

“Of course not,” Spencer snapped, raising his voice slightly higher than he’d intended. “What would make you think that? It makes me miserable.” 

“Nothing,” he replied matter-of-factly. “Then why don’t you speak to someone?”

“Because either way I’m miserable. I keep it in, I’m miserable by myself, or I let it out and make everyone around me miserable. Why would I do that to the people I love?”

“Because we love you,” Hotch said. It was rare he said those exact words to his co-workers. He was more the type to imply it than say it, but Reid needed to realize that despite his childhood, where he was, in essence, alone, it wasn’t that way any longer. “Talk to someone. Anyone. Whether it be one of us or not.”

In his head, Spencer knew he didn’t want to be an ass, but that’s where his heart was headed, so he just shut his mouth…until he couldn’t anymore. “Do you ever take your own advice?” Hotch was the king of keeping in his emotions, or at least that’s what Spencer thought. “Do you ever talk to Beth about the cases that get under your skin?” The sentiment was filled with such vitriol, probably because Spencer assumed that Beth had been Hotch’s second soulmate.

“Not anymore,” he said, getting up and walking around to sit on top of the desk. “Beth and I broke up.”

Spencer had been looking down at the floor the entire time, but his head sprung up at the realization that Hotch’s second soulmate didn’t last. “I’m sorry,” he said. “After…” he didn’t want to say Hayley’s name. It was still a sore subject; Spencer could tell. “I was really happy that you’d found your soulmate again.”

“She wasn’t my soulmate.” Hotch watched as the surprise spread across the young man’s face. “I don’t know whose words these are.” On his arm was written ‘she must’ve been an incredible woman.’ “These weren’t the words Beth first spoke to me, but we got along really well, and since neither of us had any words on our arms, we decided to just go for it. We were both convinced, and still are, that those words can pop after you start a relationship. That it doesn’t have to happen before. It can. It can be something that the universe has ordained for you, but we both believe that it was something that individuals could change.”

“And did it?” Spencer asked, genuinely curious. He’d never expected that Beth and Hotch hadn’t been made for each other. They just fit together so perfectly.

“Well, no,” Hotch smiled. “But that doesn’t mean that it’s not true. Look, I like the idea of having someone, or multiple someones, out there in the world waiting for me, but I also like the idea of having some control over my own destiny, that those soulmates or soul companions can be of your own choosing as well as the universe’s.” Spencer had never really thought of it that way before, which was astounding considering how much time and energy he’d put into the whole concept as a child.

The earlier tension faded to the background when the conversation had changed direction. “I never really thought of it like that,” Spencer finally said.

“I think you have,” Hotch said, continuing when Spencer looked confused. “Whether you’ve actively thought about it like that, I think the reason having these people, or some of them anyway, leave, hurt so much was because you felt a deep soulmate-like connection to them. Especially Blake, Emily and Gideon.”

Spencer swallowed hard. When he’d come in the room, he’d been angry, then the mood turned to pity for the demise of Hotch’s relationship, to slightly more light-hearted, but now…now he was sad again. Spencer was pretty sure this was the opposite of what Hotch had wanted from this meeting. What Hotch had said made total sense though. That’s why he’d been hit by people leaving so much more than other people, because for Spencer, the people that came to him later in life felt like soulmates; they felt like those childhood friends and loved ones that he’d missed out on, so seeing them leave was like a dagger in the heart.

The more he thought about it, the more he wanted to cry, and eventually, he couldn’t stop himself, openly sobbing in Hotch’s office.

Hotch got up and closed the blinds, just in case people decided to start walking in a little bit earlier than usual, and once he returned to his desk, he grabbed Spencer by the shoulder, hoisted him upward and wrapped his arms around him. “Look, Reid. We are never telling you that you have to talk, but we are here if you want to talk. We may not have all the same experiences as you do, even though someone like myself has lost a loved one in the exact same way you did, but that doesn’t mean we can’t listen, and as your friends, that we wouldn’t want to.” Spencer hadn’t lifted his head from Hotch’s shoulder, but he nodded that he’d heard him.

After a minute or two, Spencer’s tears dried up and he lifted his head, making eye contact with Hotch and giving up; giving up trying to look okay when he wasn’t. “Now listen, I think this soulmate thing is bothering you more than you’re letting on. We’ve all noticed that you have your arm bandaged up. You have other words?”

“I saw the faint outline of ink, so yes, but I don’t want to look at them.”

Hotch put out his hand and reassured Spencer. “And you don’t have to. What I want to say is that the words don’t have to dictate your life, if you don’t want them to. If you keep that bandage on, and two years from now, you feel a spark with someone, take that bandage off and realize that the words don’t match, don’t give up your autonomy. We were born into this universe where this exists, but that doesn’t mean he have to think of it as God. Pursue love in your own way. Let it come to you. And maybe, one day, you’ll realize that you have the power to change your fate. What I’m saying is remain open.”

Spencer breathed a cleansing breath, feeling a little bit better after talking with Hotch. “I’ll try,” he said, walking toward the door. As he turned the doorknob, he stopped in his tracks. “Do you think I could come in this time next week?” He asked, realizing he sounded like he was talking to a therapist. “I have no idea what I’m going to need to say or if I’ll need to say anything, but I might feel better coming to you.”

“Same time next week,” Hotch replied with a laugh. “Bring a book if you feel like it. Just know that I’m here.”

“Thanks Hotch.”

And with that, Spencer walked out and went back to his desk, his shoulders slightly more uplifted after their talk. As Hotch sat back down at his desk, he’d hoped he’d gotten through to him. He liked the idea of a soulmate as much as the next person, but he would hate to see Reid close himself off to the world and all its possibilities just because his feelings he had didn’t align with the words painted across his skin.  Whether he was romantically linked or not, he had soulmates all around him – if only he allowed them in.

@adropintheocean1234567 @milkandcookies528 @remember-me-forever-silent-angel @gubl-oser @sammi9406 @rda1989 @stunudo @stay-wokke @brywrites @spencersolves @zombies-bunny @grayskiesandoceaneyes @the-slytherin-ice-queen @rosyreid @twelveyearoldchildprodigy @felisarunswithscissors @ultrarebelheart @lookingforgalifrey @live-love-be-unique @sammikeys23 @sassygeek77 @imawkwardhelpmeh @imagicana @original-criminal-fanfics @sonhadoraativa @madamredwrites @tenderlysaltyalpaca @nevernot-broken @crazysurvival @un-kinder @just-a-localdreamer @geek13freak @pleasedftbaforever @chocok22 @sierra---king @whymesswperfection @camigt1999 @clockworkballerina @brooke0297 @unstoppableangel8 @reid-my-fortune @madjeknotts @nobravery

[deepfriedtwinkie]

Kingsman: A Trainee’s Mission (Pt. VII)

PREQUEL FIC, this section ~2,700w

pt. I  | pt. II  | pt. III  | pt. IV  | pt. V  | pt. VI

.

.

“For God’s sake, will you shut that dreck off?”

It’s that awful Blondie song on the radio again, the one he’s hated since it first came out months ago. Something about the tide over and over. Looking somewhat chastised—he hadn’t meant to snap, but good God—Kenneth reaches for the shared stereo and switches to another station. Hall & Oates drift through the barracks instead. Far more tolerable.

“Thank you,” Harry says, making an effort to sound more kindly this time.

Mr. Pickle pirouettes for attention at his feet. Returning to a smile, Harry leans forward in his seat, stroking the ruff of fur above his collar. I haven’t forgotten you, don’t worry. For a moment, they’re joined by a nosey Ainsley, but then she ambles off, posting herself at the door, wuffing at something or other.

“Hey,” Hamish warns. He snaps his fingers at his side. “Come on now, there’s nothing there for you. Here, girl.”

Ainsley returns, but she wasn’t off the mark. There’s a sharp one-two rapped on the door, and then it opens, bearing Arthur. The six remaining candidates burst to their feet.

“At ease,” Arthur tells them. He consults his clipboard while they sink back down, exchanging nervous glances. “I come bearing good news. Tonight, you will all be attending a party.”

Harry’s peripheral picks up Graham easing into a grin, then Derrington flicking him upside the head. “S’not gonna be for fun, idiot,” he catches.

Arthur is holding out a stack of laminated sheets of paper, the contents indecipherable from here. “Hand those around,” he says to William, who dutifully complies.

Getting his hands on one doesn’t answer any questions. It’s a photograph of a woman, unidentified, presumably in her early twenties. Peeking over shoulders, Harry notices that two of the others have the same one. The rest, including Hamish, share a second lady. Same age, similar anonymity. Different haircut.

“Sir?”

“The women in these photographs will be the targets for your next task.”

I don’t like the sound of that. “I…don’t suppose you mean interrogating them, or something like that?”

There’s an abrasive cackle from Derrington’s direction. “He means fucking them. Bit of slam and scram.”

It’s more than slightly surprising to see Arthur whip the photo away and whack him over the head with it.

“Rubbish,” he admonishes, jutting the page back into the flinching man’s hands. “And don’t ever let me catch a thing so crass out of your mouth again. A Kingsman agent must be prepared to use any means necessary to an end; that does not mean he uses the opportunity to misconduct himself. We are gentlemen above everything, and covert or not, you will be representing Kingsman to the world. I’ll not have anyone behaving like cavemen under our umbrella.”

And we’ve all seen what those can do, Harry considers adding, but he really wouldn’t rather interrupt at the moment.

“Yes. Your assignment is to win the favor of these young women. The objective is to inspire her to offer up her company for the night. But so help me, you will be charming, you will be civil, and you will remember you are speaking to another human being. Attempts to complete the task with any less than one hundred percent voluntary consent will not be tolerated, punishable by immediate dismissal, if not worse. Am I quite perfectly understood?”

Their six ‘yes sirs’ are simultaneous, which is a relief, frankly.

“All right then.”

A hand goes up, despite the fact that this isn’t primary school. “How come only two, when there’s six of us?” Kenneth asks.

This is the part where Arthur starts to smile. Rather wickedly, in fact.

“Well. What fun would it be without a bit of competition?”

Harry looks to Hamish, who’s looking back with the same trepidation. Oh, good. At least it isn’t only me.

It doesn’t take them very long to dress when Arthur leaves. Mainly because a garment bag has appeared on each of their bunks by the time they arrive at them. He’s stopped asking where these things come from. He puts everything on with a detached efficiency, saving his first proper look for the finished product, curiosity compelling him toward the mirror when he’s through. It’s a melon-pink blazer and slacks he’s got on, both in a fashionably-oversized ill fit, topping off a clinging beige turtleneck. Lucky thing Arthur’s got people for this. Ordinarily, he wouldn’t wear a stitch of this without cash up front.

Not that he doesn’t pull it off, of course.

A crane of the neck buys him a look at Hamish’s getup, and then he caws out the most graceless laugh imaginable by man.

Hamish is scowling. “Fuck off.”

It’s the most nauseatingly-patterned disgrace of a button-down, black and white with loops all over, and an oversize black bowler hat, clearly custom-made for someone whose skull was an animated watermelon. With a fondness for rosaries, no less, because he’s wearing three. Green slacks come out at the bottom somewhere, but it’s hardly their fault. They shouldn’t be burned without a fair trial. “I saved your life; I get to enjoy this from here to the transport.” There’s a brooch on the brim of the hat. With a feather in it. A turquoise one. My God, if a pawn shop could vomit up a human being.

“Remember when we didn’t talk?” Hamish starts his march toward the exit. “I miss that. Let’s go back to that.”

Harry scurries up to stay on his heels. “Sorry, not on your life.”

“I fucking hate this mission.”

“I’ll give it this: wherever we’re going certainly must be somewhere interesting.”

It isn’t, because of course it isn’t.

It’s a nightclub. Only once in his life has Harry ever been to one of these. His roommate at Oxford once dragged him along for a stag, where he came to the conclusion that intriguing company is wasted on rooms where you can’t bloody hear yourself think. They’ve gotten worse in the past year, clearly. The floors in this one are stickier, and the lights flash at a more obnoxious speed than he remembers. Oh good, I love scouring for targets in the Blitz.

The six of them split off almost immediately. They’ve got women to find and very little time to find them, which adds up to quite a few backs-of-heads to shout at. At least the music vibrating in Harry’s skull is a fair distraction from what was doing it before.

Truthfully, he’s never done this. He’s never seduced a woman. Or a man, for that matter. Sure, of course there’d been opportunities, at Oxford particularly, that had presented themselves, and yet… Nothing, to this day. And the strangest thing: he isn’t even sorry. There were always other goals in his sights, other prizes to keep his eye on. There was Kingsman.

Much like there is now. Watching him remotely, waiting for him to miraculously become Roger Moore and inspire a young woman to take her clothes off.

This is going to be a very long night.

A server passes, then rounds on him, wordlessly offering a flute of champagne specifically to him. At this rate, it doesn’t sound like a terrible idea. Nerves will bugger him up for sure. Nodding in lieu of shouting thanks above the noise, Harry accepts, downing a generous pull before the man is even gone.

“Looking for someone?” the server yells helpfully.

So much for avoiding that. “Yes, actually.” He drinks again, hoping to stall a bit. His dread is honest-to-God making the room spin now, but like hell that’s getting included in his answer. “I…”

Now the lights. They’re… They’re obscuring everyone. Everyone is…changing colors…

“I…seem to have…misplaced her… I’m… I’m looking…”

“That’s a shame, Harry,” the server says. The last thing that floats into his sight is the most leering smile. “Because I’ve been looking for you.”

He wakes to the cold shock of a tidal wave.

Thrashing his head, coughing, choking, Harry grabs. At nothing. A zip tie digs into his wrist. It’s behind his back, tethered to the other one. Around a chair. He’s in a chair. And his feet are bound. Tugging doesn’t free them.

His chest heaves erratically, partly in fear, partly for lack of breath. It’s not the time for either. Get ahold of yourself. Open your eyes.

He does. He scans desperately. In every direction, darkness. And concrete. Concrete walls, concrete pillars. He can tell there’s concrete under his feet. It’s a parking structure. There’s not enough light to tell him anything else. Nothing about where exactly this is. Or why he’s here. And there’s…

There’s something strapped to his chest. A box. A box, with…

With a readout on the front. Numbers. Red numbers.

Counting down.

A flashlight clicks on in the hand of a man ahead of him. Banishing shadow from the corner he was hiding in. Illuminating a face. It’s the server’s, from the nightclub.

“How wonderful you could join us, Harry,” the man says.

Harry thrashes forward in his seat. “Untie me. Untie me this instant.”

“Oh, I’m afraid I can’t do that.” He stops straining as the man comes closer, horrifyingly aware of the metronome both inside and outside of his chest. “You see, Harry Hart, there are ways that you and I can help each other.”

This is to do with that Russian man. Or one of Mother’s enemies. What else do they know? What else have they gone after? He pulls at his wrists until the zip tie chafes away a layer of skin. “Kill me and you’ll regret it.” He swallows hard. “Kill me and there won’t be a safe place for you to hide. I promise you that.”

The man tsks, and his voice becomes a lull. Nauseating. “You think I’d prefer to kill you? What an awfully rude assumption… I’d very much prefer for you to live. And that can certainly be arranged.” He nods toward the device, ticking away. “I, and I alone, have the code to disarm that bomb you’re wearing.”

A bomb. So it’s a bomb for certain, then. He’d been hoping against hope he was wrong. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ, get me out of here.

“I’d like nothing more than to do that for you, Harry. There’s just one thing you have to give me first. The truth. About Martin Turner, and the fucking Kingsman ‘Tailors.’”

The beeps of the device drown out the cretin’s voice, and they’re in turn drowned out by memories. It’s not his whole life that flashes before his eyes. It’s the relevant parts, and he hears one now in particular, even as a bead of sweat rolls down his spine. His mother’s voice, a little sad. “Always remember, Harry. In this business, it’s the good of the world that must come first. Even when we don’t like it. Even when we wish we could do more.”

He looks up from under a darkened brow, personally damning this man to burn.

“We’re open Monday to Saturday, seven to five, you spineless piece of shit.”

His captor laughs loudly, completely devoid of both humour and joy. Bordering on rage. “You don’t want to die like all the others, do you, Harry?”

The others. No. Hamish. He hasn’t. He can’t have.

“I’ve blown seven of you little pricks to shit tonight; what the fuck do you think one more’s going to be?”

He’s starting to back up. One large, slow step at a time. Harry forces his chin as far down as it goes and barely makes out the upside-down readout.

There are ten seconds left. Ten fucking seconds.

“Your last chance is slipping away, Harry.” His backward walk quickens. “The price is Kingsman. I hate to see you die as stupid as the others.”

Five seconds, if that. Five seconds left to live. Harry shuts his eyes as tight as they go, rushing a silent prayer to whatever’s listening. Let my mothers know. Let them be proud of me. Don’t let them grieve too long.

The man disappears behind the concrete wall just as the roar rips from Harry’s throat.

“Then we’ll all see you in hell!”

The beeps go spastic. He braces.

Then they stop altogether.

For ten, fifteen seconds, Harry doesn’t breathe. He doesn’t so much as open his eyes. Not until he hears the sound of footsteps, too solid, near and real to be the afterlife. His eyes bolt open, and this time, the man with the flashlight isn’t the server. It’s Agent Lamorak.

He looks down. The timer, stopped at zero, blinks itself off.

Only then, finally, does he exhale, slumping as far as he’ll go.

“Absolutely fucking extraordinary,” pronounces Martin. “Not that that’s any great surprise to anyone.” From his coat pocket, he produces a small knife, swiftly cutting loose his ankles, then his hands. “Congratulations. You’ve passed beautifully.”

Passed… Harry rubs his wrists while his mentor slashes the bindings in back of the chair. “It was a trial all along. There was no woman.”

“No, there was a woman. Cynthia and Maeve, from our call centre. About four of you actually made it that far. No results of course, but fun to watch all the same.”

I should have fucking known. He wishes somebody would tell his heartrate.

“All right, that should do. Go on and take that dud off.”

He stands, slightly dizzy from the aftereffects of the drugs, peeling electricians’ tape from his soaked, awful jacket. “What of the others? How have they done?”

“Kenneth and Graham both failed like Hitler at Stalingrad. Sang like canaries, the poor bastards. You’re the first one to pass.”

“And Hamish?” Harry refills with hope for his friend, grateful for the second time he isn’t dead.

“He’s next. Takes a bit to set up.” Martin eyes Harry. “Want to watch?”

“...Yes, actually.”

They reach the control room in time to see Hamish, newly hatless and pissed, struggling against his chair on the infrared monitor. He’s facing off against the same assailant. Harry feels mildly bad for calling the man a piece of shit now. He’s very convincing. Probably works in their hangar or something like that.

“I’ll make this simple. Tell me everything you know about Duncan Billingsley and the Kingsman operation, and I’ll keep you from blowing sky high like all your friends.”

“Please. Like fuck you could kill Harry Hart.”

He’s oddly touched by that. It’s awfully sweet of Hamish to say in the midst of supposing he might die. He’ll have to remember to tell his mother he’s made that impression on someone.

“You can do what you like to me. I dunno what you’re talking about. I’m a fucking tailor’s apprentice, and you can go fuck yourself.”

“Have it your way.”

The man retreats out of frame. Hamish tenses. The decoy bomb’s rapid beeping fills the feed with static. It’s far calmer to watch than to experience. Harry wishes momentarily that the camera better captured Hamish’s expression, knowing he’s petrified, the poor thing. Give it a moment, you’re all right.

They watch Lancelot emerge.

“At ease, son, you’re not dead. Congratulations. I’m proud to say you’ve passed the test.”

It doesn’t take any delay for Hamish to lunge as if to punch him.

“Oh, the fucking test!? The fucking test, is that it!? Fuck you too. Fuck you. Fucking hell. I’ve got a mind to strap you down to one of these, see how long it takes you to shit yourself. That’s the last time I drink the fucking champagne.”

Harry can’t help but laugh as Martin knowingly holds down the two-way button for him. “Not a bad idea,” he says, and the Hamish on the screen visibly flinches, looking up toward the parking level above for the source of the broadcast.

“Harry? Where the fuck are you?”

“The control room,” he grins. “Come and join us. There’s still a good chance to see at least one of the others cry like a baby.”

Hamish is still for a moment while Agent Lancelot cuts him loose. There’s an appeased resignation when he stands, following his mentor.

“Yeah, all right.”

.

pt. VIII  | pt. IX

[benjaminhunter]

wow dont read this if youre gonna unfollow for me speaking a bit abt my life situation btw even if the whole thing sounds so much like a 15year old narcissistic cunt’s post venting about their emo problems and their ‘i hate my fucking life’ stick like i used to vague about on scattered fanfic french blogs; look ill get over myself ! sooner than you think ! but i havent made a really personal post on this blog in a while cos it felt.. useless and self pitying in the wake of the really upsetting suffering i see on my dash, from the mutuals i consider friends and the political situation that i kinda want to escape from? but even then. that feels self pitying. and also its almost 8 am so no one will see the bs im posting. so  anyway an update on my thrilling life ! my moods have been flickering between extreme anger and complete exhaustion ! obssessively checking social medias of artists i really looked up has transformed the feeling of admiration i felt into complete beatdowns of myself, always comparing myself to them and rejecting everything decent i made.. getting angry over ship content for absolutely no reason when ive always been the type to be ‘oh fuck it live and learn’; now my anger is making me feel like im expecting ppl to draw content for a f/f rarepair and when this rarepair is overshadowed by huge het or m/m popular pairs i get pissed off, storm and brood about it, feeling like im a child throwing a tantrum ! so thats fun !!!!!!!!!!! lol !!!!!!!!! all my insecurities flooding back because the dam is damn broke when ive been taping it the best i could over the past years. so im feeling intense jealousy at talented artists finishing their projects and starting new ones, and w/ mikus 10th bday coming up and everything- it feels like when youre following your multiplayer guild’s quest in a mmorpg but with bad internet. theyre accomplishing so much and im. here? what? what achievement do i have for myself? oh yeah. i played dr:ae at least ten times. and yet i still couldnt find the energy to make decent dr:ae fanart. its awful. its terrible ! and my asshole dad feels like he can strut all he want because i chickened out on calling the cops on him that one time and hes been even more verbally abusive, although the good side is hes not hitting me or my sis anymore. i guess pulling a knife on him once when hes done so on me so many times impressed him a bit, yknow, the snake that comes back to bite you in the ass? you reap what you sow bs? yeah. so no more slaps or punches, which is good. i guess he yells more and lashes out at the dog, which is terrible, but he hasnt been a complete ass to the rabbit, mostly because hes too lazy to come upstairs and kick chaussette’s cage or smash stuff off the shelves i guess. still the wifi is Very bad cos obvs my parents are hogging the bandwidth, the weather is bad, my sis and i dont have money to fish out of our purses to go to the pool, the library is closed & friends are either working or on holiday away with their families, also our teacher just confirmed that there will be an entrance exam at the start of year2 and i need to get stellar grades to get into the teacher course,so im wasting my eyes frantically speedrunning japanese grammar basics from year1; while my moms accusing me of being selfish for not wanting to go on a stupid 2week trip when i want nothing to do with her and my dad. my ex’s situation is still hanging over my shoulders, that bitch is still cursing me beyond the grave shes been digging and the shit morons that are her friends are still trash talking me, make ‘triggerd memes ;)))’ about me which is fine i guess :)) at least im not lurking their every tweet & post they do so my head is mostly clear on that, the trick is not to think about it or else it WILL fuck me up.. u got other worries like im worried about getting a job even and im worried about celeste’s job and while i know she definitely can handle herself im afraid of drunks coming into her store, have been ever since i started living with one, so theres that lel. 

im glad i got to spend some time with suke and yura and manon before we parted ways two weeks ago, and celeste i ever so sweet.. its been 1 (one) whole year since weve been together although it feels like ive loved her for .. way longer than this so. like if i could get one wish rn, it’d be to get to leap across the ocean so i could be physically close to her and enjoy some time w/ her. get you a girl who gives you butterflies like that, man. shit. wow wow chica bow wow this is long winded and whiny and ill probably regret ever writing that