#i will ATTEMPT to finish it in time for xmas but

[aclockmaker]

okay i'm finally both writing something and at a last sentence that isn't like "he smiled." so! a last-sentence tag game courtesy of @postmodernau —thank you!

Rules [that i will be cheating at]: post the last sentence you wrote and tag as many people as there are words.

“I didn’t get you anything,” Steve said without taking the present, meaning I can’t accept this, I don’t deserve it.

tags: well, i don't know who's writing and hasn't done this yet but i will actually tag @andwhatyousaid @carbonbased000 @jkrockin @allmysinsremembered but no pressure, and then i will say: if you're writing something and you see this and i HAVEN'T tagged you, you're literally legally obligated to do it and tag me >:)

[night-dark-woods]

ID. a photo of a hand holding up an in-progress knitting project, which is in white and green yarn and has a pattern of spruce branches and cones. End ID.

making progress on a gift for my mom!

pattern is the sitka spruce cowl from pacificknitco on instagram :)

[ithebookhoarder]

🎄 Spending the Holidays with the Moon Boys (Steven, Marc, Jake x Reader)

A/N: It's almost Christmas again and that means having a chance to finally sit and force myself to finish the things I’ve had sitting in my drafts for MONTHS... have some fluffy thoughts for the festive season.  

Warnings: Mentions to mental health, slight smutty thoughts, references to childhood trauma, religion, holidays - let me know if I missed any.

Masterlist

The holidays are a complicated time in your life - but then again, what isn't complicated when it comes to living with your boys?

Marc is Jewish and Steven loves Christmas and Jake doesn’t really care either way. They all just want you to be happy, but that doesn’t stop you from ensuring that they all get a slice of the holiday season.

Your main mission is making sure they all have a gift from you as you love them all so much and want to make sure they know it. If anything it’s adorable how much they suddenly bicker about fronting on Christmas morning so they can open theirs first. 

They also all insist on getting you a gift, from each of them, to thank you and remind you they love you in return.

You also got them each their own stocking to put up, in a proud display of your unique family.

Anytime you mention the holiday season, Marc is quiet. You know why - which is why you make sure to to ask him to help tell you about the Jewish traditions associated with this time of year in an attempt to heal old wounds.

It clearly means a lot, even if it’s tinged with a sense of pain when he explains about lighting the menorah or about how his dad would make latkes for him to eat whenever his mom started her usual seasonal ranting - normally after a bottle or two of whatever liquor she could find. 

Needless to say, he’s overwhelmed when he comes home one day to find you with your sleeves rolled up, doing your best to finish prepping latkes to cook later on. 

You do, however, make sure to buy a bag of donuts to have on hand incase your efforts go poorly… 

Steven would find it all rather fascinating to learn about it, and has probably looked up so much history about the holiday that it makes your heart swell.

He’s also the first to help and insist you do indulge Marc - even if he protests against it, saying it isn’t a big deal. 

“He deserves it you know, he’s a teddy bear deep down under that whole macho Jason Bourne tough guy bullshit.”

As for Steven, he'd be 'Captain Christmas' and will be only too eager to assist in all holiday and festive activities.

He's the one you ask for advice when picking out a tree and decorating it. You also let him blast his cheesy Christmas playlist over and over again, loving the smile it puts on his face as he duets with you in the car.

It's also why you end up begging Steven to come to your workplace's Christmas party, as your date, as you trust him the most to make polite conversation with your colleagues and not shoot your boss when he looks at you and your Xmas attire a little too long. 

Surprisingly, I think Jake would indulge in the season in his own ways - like insisting on hanging mistletoe in the apartment and making sure to catch you as often as possible.

“What? It’s not me, it’s tradition. You want to mess with fate? Your choice sweetheart.”

He's a tease, but you know he cares and he's trying to show it.

Hell, why else does he not protest every time Steven puts them in the most ugly Christmas sweater he can find?

He's also the one who would get you the most risqué gifts, hoping to celebrate the festive season in his own way 😅

[oatflatwhite]

ok i'm flagging this byler fic idea here bc i'm forcing myself not to start writing it until i at least have a bit more free time (weeks and weeks away...) but i don't wanna forget it

byler post-canon fic, they're in their 30s. mike married a woman (her name is beth she's an icon this is unimportant but also i love her) and they've lived in nyc since college but they've just gotten divorced and mike has to move back home to hawkins bc he's broke af and also kind of. depressed. he's an aspiring author but has never actually finished a novel, just has these half-hearted attempts strewn everywhere. so yeah kind of rock bottom for mike ngl

but WHO does he run into at the hawkins grocery store when he's doing the shopping for his mum but... mr will byers. like literally mr byers he is the art teacher at hawkins high :-) mike drops like a carton of milk in the aisle and the clerk is this teenage girl who is #sodone with her job and mike is so embarrassed and apologetic and then even MORE embarrassed when will appears and the girl is like "hi mr byers :-)" and he's like "hi tayla. don't mind him he's an old friend of mine"

and then YEAH awkward reunion bc like. they're not really friends anymore? not close anyway. they send xmas cards ya know but the whole party left hawkins for college or to travel and the only one who returned after was will. and mike knows will keeps in better contact with literally everyone else but he and will stopped really talking bc of... undisclosed reasons that happened in their senior year of high school...

BUT ANYWAY will knew mike was coming back in town bc hawkins is tiny and karen wheeler is SUCH a gossip and will was always her fav of mike's friends anyway. and yeah he invites mike over for dinner and they talk and drink and mike has to stay on the couch bc he can't drive home and will's house is just as small as the byers' used to be and even tho mike's only been here like once before for a christmas it's already so familiar. it's /will/. and yeah they start to become friends again and maybe more and mike has to come to terms with the feelings he still has for will that he thought were long buried.

also beth and mike are still friends and she is the no. 1 byler shipper in this house ok i'm done

[emeraldspiral]

So I had this random thought "Was Battle of the Planets a mid-season finale? Because it feels like it was. It was the first episode since Nightmare Begins to run a full half-hour. It was the first time we saw some clear story progression with Skoodge finishing his mission, setting up for his future appearances as an ex-Invader. The stakes were higher, there was more action than normal, and the tone was slightly more optimistic with Dib receiving help for the first time."

But then I started thinking, "Was that actually the first time Zim attempted to conquer the earth, or just the first time he actually came close to succeeding? How often does he actually try to conquer earth?"

So I looked at the list of Zim episodes to find the answers.

Zim's first attempt at any actual conquering was Hamstergeddon, where his plan was to harness the class hamster's cuteness to make people worship him. But that plan quickly went awry and he had to spend most of the episode trying to get rid of Peepi instead. This was episode 9b. Prior to that, Zim had only ever done reconnaissance, petty vengeance, or dealt with external threats. He even saved the world once in Planet Jackers before his first attempt at destroying it.

Battle of the Planets, episode 13, was his second attempt, and it was a plan that actually would've succeeded if not for Dib, and only because someone actually believed him and provided assistance for once.

Zim tries again in 15b, Future Dib, which arguably would've also worked if not for Dib. But given that Membrane was wrong about the beans wiping out all human life in Dipship Rising, it's possible that PEG failing would've also not had the disastrous consequences Membrane predicted.

In episode 19a, GIR Goes Crazy, Zim briefly attempts a plan to make humans sick at the beginning of the episode before the plot shifts to Zim trying to lock GIR into duty mode.

Zim's next attempt at conquering the earth happens in episode 21, Backseat Drivers, where the plan fails due to Zim being too distracted to maintain the brain parasite that was supposed to destroy the humans.

Episode 22a Mortos der Soulstealer has Zim going around town trying to infect people with vermin. He appears to lose all the vermin when Dib tackles him at the end, so I guess he did actually stop his scheme that time.

Episode 24b Voting of the Doomed is a questionable example. I doubt even if he was vastly overestimating how much power being class president would've given him that he really thought it was a direct path to world conquest. I think it was more like the Burrito King comic where he was looking for a small victory and hoping to gradually expand his power. I think I'll say it counts only because it was Zim actually trying to make some progress on his mission vs every other episode where he's just doing experiments or research or dealing with outside threats or getting into slap-fights with Dib.

Zim's final attempt at conquering earth before the comics/ETF was the last episode, The Most Horrible Xmas Ever, episode 27. Like Hamstergeddon, Zim lost control of this plan, so it wouldn't have worked without Dib's interference, but Dib was still needed to resolve things and save humanity.

So Zim only ever actually tried to conquer the earth eight times in 46 episodes. Twice he lost control of the situation and needed Dib's help to fix it (Hamstergeddon & Xmas). Twice he was stopped by Dib from an attempt that would've actually succeeded (Battle of the Planets & Future Dib). Once he was stopped by Dib from an attempt that wouldn't have succeeded anyway (Voting of the Doomed). Once he failed all on his own (Backseat Drivers, although arguably Dib adding to the pile-up of distractions did ultimately contribute to that plan failing). And twice he attempted to infect humans, once being thwarted by GIR and once by Dib, but it's inconclusive whether or not either of those plans would've succeeded without interference.

[ensemblesongs]

!!! user ensemblesobgswhat are your favorite enstars stories !!?

I have to think for this one, hmm... My favourite stories have to beee...

In terms of enjoyability, and attempting not to have too much character bias, not in any order. Boldened are absolute favourites!

-Daydream & Lionheart are my all time favourite pieces of ansta writing, with an emphasis on Daydream. Lionheart has at least three translations online. I'm planning on re-reading two of those again just to compare them. I love an unreliable narrator. Sena really has been Leo's living unreliable narrator the whole time he's known him, hasn't he? Blackbird was good on a writing standpoint, but felt like a desperate attempt to get people to like and be normal about Wataru & Eichi, as well as telling us what we already know. At the same time, it did provide more insight into their mentalities, at least. Clown, Crown or whatever it was called was really nice also. - Both original main stories which I think every average ansta fan should read regardless of their length, although, the ! one is certainly of it's time. EnBasic: Element, Marionette, Crossroad, Meteor Impact, Checkmate, (Sorry for no Rocket Show! we're gonna read it for my friend's birthday!) Showtime, Dragon Fruit (Note to all viewers: don't read Marionette alone & think you know anything about Ex-valkyrie. PLEASE!), Easter Night, EP:Link, Christmas Live, Starry Night Festival, Beasts, Human Comedy (people focus too much on the valkyrie side of this and ignore rabits and it is disheartening, even if I understand why, from producers of them, given that rabits is far more unpopular in comparison, unrightfully yet understandably so. But what of the rest?), Book Fair, Victoria, Liar's Idol, Rainbow, Eccentric, Pleiades Night, Wonder Game, Biblio, Blood Banquet, Butler Cafe, Shinsengumi, Bouquet of Desire, Devils, Horror Night Halloween, School Festival ☆ Tamayori's Haunted Dollhouse, uum... those are the only ones that come to mind. I've read about 2wink and ryuseitai but scatteredly. In another universe, I produce them. EnMusic: Date Plan, Motor Show, Tempest, Night Club, Conquest, Next Door, Hot Limit, Neverland, Feather Touch, Bogie Time, Merry Xmas, Antique Legend, Burning Azaleas, Shinsekai, Obbligato, Astraea's Atelier, Romantic ? Date, Myriad of Colors and Flowers, Shards of Time: Black, Cruise, Grand Slam (I know it sounds crazy. The shotabait foot fetish event. Yes. But it has so many fucking good parts, and the epilogues are some of my favourite things ever.), Portrait, Nighthead, Stormcloud FUMBLE, Poltergeist, Parallel World, Xday (best climax), Absolute (I'm reading it with my dearest friends & I like it a lot so far! But I haven't finished so I won't embolden it. Mixed feelings about Raison d'être but generally it's so good I really love it. ALTERED CHANGED MY LIFE & KILLED MY GRANDMA. Bite-sized mix of both: -Aira: Episode 1 (Idol story), Do The Norm ft. Midori & Chiaki (I love you Midori! I love Noritama), -Tsumugi: This Senior is Prone to Worrying, Switch's introduction: "episode one", (Tsumugi FS1) Blue Hour's Spinning Song, Tsumugi's FS1 4☆ Story which recently came out on Eng, the eating one, "Delicious Happiness" ft. Midori, Episode 1, 2 & 3 of his idol stories, Go Basking in The Sun 3☆ story ft. Rei & Ritsu. -Others: HiMERU stuff. Episode 1 Chiaki Idol Story, Hiiro Idol story 2 ft. Aira, Black Swan ft. Mika & Tsumugi. (Madara FS2) Fates and Feast, Natsume FS2 4☆ Story. The 3☆ where ex-fine play together, Rinne's FS1. MANY Yuuta idol stories & 4/3☆ stories, especially in relation to his growth & Rinne. I like a lot of Anzu's monologues in the novels. I love this Natsuhokke 3☆ story. I like the early idol stories in general honestly. Baah!

Fun fact, I watched the anime before reading anything. My first story after the main story was Easter Night :-) though already interested in them, it cemented my love for switchvalk & their parallels in a square or even a more convoluted shape, each pointing at each other. I really recommend people read 3 stars of their favourites, you can find them with ease if you look them up, especially if they're from popular units. There's a lot of Really Good stories I haven't read but know all the context to and just have to get to, and good stories I have read that I just haven't mentioned whether purposefully because I don't think about them that much or because they slipped out of my mind (or blended together, or I technically didn't read them and just know everything that occurs or read a livetweet thread and I don't want to say a story is my favourite when I haven't read it in full even if stuff I really love comes from it, or I have mixed feelings that are too mixed for it to be a favourite).

I really adore Ansta's writing in spite of all of it's flaws, that's why it's not easy for me to give a simple response. Thank you for the question, sweet thing!

[kingsofeverything]

Just in general, I want to make time for creating. Since throwing myself into school, writing has seemed like such a daunting task, and even crocheting hasn’t been the fun, relaxing craft it used to be. I’m going to attempt to set aside time each week to write, and I plan on bringing my yarn out and setting it in my lap while I watch television so maybe I’ll pick up my hook and crochet a bit.

Fic specific goals:

Write for @wankersday in May and @wanksgivingfest in November.

Write my xmas fic so I can post it advent style next December, or as a xmas in July type thing if I magically finish it faster.

Write this new conman fic idea that came to me. It won’t be super short, but probably not super long either, so I want to try to write a bit at a time.

Crochet specific goals:

Finish the 2 blankets I started for my twins.

Make a wall hanging for my bedroom.

Etc. goals related to fandom:

Record @roseanddaggerpodcast every month.

Record @pop-culturing every month(ish)

Other goals not related to fandom:

4.0 GPA for all 2024.

Attend some in-person events at school to meet people

Looks like I have 10 goals (counting the blankets as 2), so I’m tagging 10 people to share their creative (or not creative) goals for the upcoming year:

@louandhazaf @haztobegood @so-why-let-your-voice-be-tamed @somethingwittyorother @chickenstuffedwithmozzarella @reminiscingintherain @phdmama @disgruntledkittenface @londonfoginacup @homosociallyyours

[ominoose]

Abandoned Fic

Steven/Marc/Jake - Onlyfans Xmas Editions

I'm so sorry gang, I've tried my best at this but it aint working, so I am giving this fic up so anyone can enjoy the bare bones or someone can steal and adapt it. I apologise for my transgression of not finishing the Moon Knight Gang Bang, but it is what it is amigos.

There was a comfortable rhythm to how each man came and went from their shared flat. Jake was out most of the time, doing things even God likely didn't want to know about. Marc was out half the time, doing odd jobs, going out for a run. Steven was the homebody of the bunch, comfortably sat at home, cocooned under blankets as he leafed through yet another Egyptology book.

The one time they were guaranteed to be at home together was for a Sunday dinner. It was Stevens idea, one he stubbornly insisted on with wet puppy eyes and a trembling bottom lip. Now it was their routine, a way to catch up on each others daily goings on. What it wasn't supposed to be was the catalyst to Jake and Marc confronting Steven about his Onlyfans.

"So... Marc found this curious little video online Steven. Si, there's this guy with his dick in his hand, all sad and crying, British and what not. Looked just like you."

The matching smirk was lethal.

What followed was an awkward conversation that had the Brit mentally booking flights to Antarctica and trying to remember how Marc had gotten forged documents. Despite his absolute horror, both had been receptive, saying they appreciated the extra income. Steven even found himself rambling about how it all worked, the events, even the Halloween special (minus the homemade pumpkin pie.)

When the pair offered their help to make a Christmas special, he'd been stunned into silence. Being supportive of his more... intimate method of making rent was one thing, but helping him organise things? It should've set off big, flashing red alarms in his silly mind how much they were taking to it, but Steven was too high on having them both engage with his interest.

After all, he did end up leaving the Halloween special to the last minute and that only ended up being a success thanks to a fans odd (yet incredibly lucrative) request. Steven didn't want to leave it to chance this year, he needed something big, something inciting to compete with the market and do something worth stealing attention on Christmas eve.

The usual set was decorated to the nines, tinsel hung from the top, blow up candy canes at the back and softly blinking fairy lights framing the entire set up. Jake had been the one to help set it up, even dusting off his toolkit to put together the new camera stand Steven had bought and fell over whilst attempting to put it up. The Latino's mood was far too chirpy as he whistled atop the ladders, screwing some poles to the wall for Stevens green screen. Another sign.

Marc's idea of help had been more personal, nodding encouragement at Steven's ideas, adding in his own advice here and there.

"Why not add baubles to the tinsel? Maybe you should wear something festive? Just an idea, obviously. I don't know, you said you'd used all your... 'props' before, isn't Christmas partly about getting new things?". How did Steven not see it coming?

Despite the actual nature of the topics, the support was nice, lovely even. It felt like something had finally clicked between them all, oddly enough. Like a gap being bridged. None of the trio had felt closer in Stevens eyes, especially on nights when a pen was nestled behind curls on his ear as he furrowed over notes for future streams, bouncing ideas off the two before slowly falling asleep on a leather jacket or denim shirt.

When the night finally arrived Steven looked at the set with wide eyes, the soft fairy lights twinkling, mistletoe hung at the top of the screen and a little green tree stood merrily at the side. It was perfect.

Both Marc and Jake had agreed to leave the flat for the duration of the stream, but as Steven pulled his candy cane stockings on, the door creaked open.

"Dios mío, I knew they were gonna look good but this is something else..." The gravelly voice had Steven jerking upright, face a warm red.

"W-What are you both doin' still here?! I thought you left-"

[kinfanfiction]

Bernard x Elf!Reader - Chapter 5 - Pulling Heartstrings

A/N: Tfw elves just being able to build absolutely anything amirite?

Literally came up with the title because of the guitar.

I am literally just biding my time until I can finally write the chapter I’m planning to post the day before Xmas Eve.

Have this chapter really early in the day instead of really late!

Happy Winter Solstice everyone!

     After a restful night, you woke up early and got up to check your calendar. It was December 21st, and there was 4 days until Christmas, and 3 days to every elf’s deadline for every toy and stocking stuffer. You were up to date so far on toy making, so you headed to work stress-free. Bernard was having a similar experience, though it didn’t make him feel relaxed, it made him feel uneasy. He felt like he should be doing more, but everything he’d usually be working on this time of year was already done. He attempted to shake his unease by crafting the chain for your necklace in his office. You, however, still had a steady amount of your usual work to take care of. Candy and toys still needed to be made, and you were up for it. 

     Curtis didn’t see the usually ever-present head elf around the workshop, so once again he went around making sure all the elves were following the rules. You found this to be incredibly annoying, so you took the guitar you were building and looked for a place to hide with it so you didn’t have to deal with him. Unfortunately, finding a place to hide was more difficult than you’d imagined. The workshop was so painfully open that there were no rooms you could conceal yourself in. There was only Mr. and Mrs. Claus room and.. Bernard’s office. The second you thought of his office, you wondered if it was possible that he’d let you stay there until you were done with the guitar, because it was an incredibly precarious thing to make. Not only did you have to perfect the instrument’s structure, you also had to ensure it sounded nothing short of magical. With Curtis constantly over your shoulder, you couldn’t possibly finish it as efficiently as you’d like to.

      You walked up to Bernard’s workplace with your materials and the the neck of the guitar and knocked quietly on his office door. He recognized the rhythm of your knock immediately, and quickly tucked the unfinished chain in his hands away in the top drawer of his desk. He got up and opened the door to see you nervously standing before him, hoping Curtis hadn’t noticed you go up there. “Everything alright?” He asked, curious as to why you had come to find him in his office so early in the day.

     “Oh yeah, of course! It’s just Curtis again, he won’t stop bugging everyone, so I hoped I could disappear up here to finish building this guitar.” You showcased your guitar pieces as you spoke. He rolled his eyes upon hearing Curtis’ name. He walked past you, and to the railing from which he could see the entire lower floor of the workshop. You hadn't even gotten the chance to hide yourself in his office before Bernard began shouting across the building. 

     “Curtis! Quit harassing the other elves and get to work!” He bellowed in the direction of the elf, spotting him amongst the crowd. Curtis slammed the rulebook in his hands shut and glared at you before storming off. You knew he was just going to use his fancy toy copying machine instead of hand crafting anything like the other elves. Being as old as Bernard, you preferred projects that took blood, sweat, and tears as opposed to the push of a button. The finished product was always more satisfying that way. After Curtis left, Bernard turned around to look at you with a satisfied grin. He loved that he could get Curtis to go away so easily. “You’re always welcome to work in my office, but at least now you have options.” 

     You would’ve covered your face to hide your embarrassed expression if your hands weren’t already full of guitar parts. “If Curtis didn’t despise me before, he definitely does now.” You said in a defeated tone, shaking your head.

     “Hey, at least we face his hatred together.” Bernard and Curtis had always been at odds with each other, and he didn’t understand why you cared if he disliked you.

     “He’ll probably target me even more now.” You explained. You didn’t care about being liked, you just wanted to be left alone.

     “If he does, I’m putting him on reindeer dropping duty.” Bernard assured you. “Don’t stress over him, alright?”

     “Alright.. thank you.” You spoke softly, letting out a light chuckle that rested into a smile of relief. “Well, now I think I should let you return to your work, and now that I can I’ll return to work downstairs.” You decided. Bernard’s heart dropped a little, but you both understood that his office wasn’t the ideal guitar building space, and would only make sense if you didn’t have anywhere else to go.

     “Good luck, I’d love to hear how it sounds when you’re finished.” He said with a smile, and then you both separated ways. He sat back down at his desk and continued welding your necklace chain. You went back downstairs and continued building the guitar with some help from other elves. Within a few hours, you had crafted a perfect Martin guitar. You proudly brought it up to Bernard’s office and knocked on his door once more. “Come in!” He shouted out to you just as he had earlier. Having finished your necklace chain, now all he had left to think about was what he would write in his confession card that he’d give to you along with your gift. He wanted every word to perfectly convey his feelings, and unfortunately there were no words for the exact way he felt about you. He hoped that you liked whatever he ended up writing, but he couldn’t think too hard about that this instant. He quickly put his project away as you opened the door.

     You came in carrying the guitar, and you sat down in front of him with a wide smile spread across your face. “It’s done, you wanna hear it?” You said biting your bottom lip, unable to contain your excitement. 

      “Of course! Play away!” He encouraged, glad to see such a bright smile on your face. You played a simple tune, but you felt it was indeed magical, and telling by the look on his face, you could tell Bernard was impressed. 

     “I love making instruments every Christmas, it’s so rewarding.” You spoke, still beaming. 

     “You never fail to amaze me.”

     “Thank you, thank you.” You spoke bashfully before changing the subject. “Well, now that you’ve heard it, I’m going to wrap it so it can go with all the other presents. Then, maybe we can bake some cookies at my house?” You suggested, and of course Bernard nodded.

     “As is tradition.” He grinned.

     You went downstairs, Bernard behind you. You put the guitar in its case, and then you carefully wrapped the gift before placing it carefully with the others. Bernard liked how focused you looked whenever you worked, you always zoned into your project like nothing else besides it existed. For a second he thought he remembered you looking at him that way the other day when you’d complimented his eyes. However, he didn’t consider the idea for too long, and cast it away, figuring he was just being delusional. 

     You walked back to your house and invited Bernard in. You grabbed two aprons and handed him one, and tied the other around your neck and waist. “Is this really necessary? We’re making cookies, not Christmas dinner.” Bernard joked, which made you smile a little as you rolled your eyes at his comment.

     “Just put the apron on.”

     With that, he gave no further argument and did as you asked. He never tried arguing with you for long, because he always went in knowing he’s lose. You put all the dry ingredients together, and he put together the wet ingredients, and then you combined them. He thought about how he wished to hold you as you whisked the ingredients together, but he shook the thought away as quickly as it entered his mind. You were making chocolate chip cookies, because the classics were always appreciated. You added extra chocolate chips as is absolutely mandatory in your mind. You got out a cookie sheet and the two of you got to rolling the cookie dough and setting them on the pan. Together, you made a batch of 8 cookies. You definitely wouldn’t finish them all tonight unless you planned on sinking into a sugar coma. 

     You made hot cocoa again, because you can't have cookies without cocoa, that was an unspoken rule in the North Pole. As you waited for the cookies to bake, the two of you sat by the fire with cocoa once again. “So, what’ve you been up to up in that office of yours all day?” You questioned, which made Bernard’s eyes widen. 

     “Oh.. you know, just whatever projects I could find. There’s not a lot for me to do now that all my paperwork is done. Thank you for that, by the way, your help really took a lot of stress off my shoulders. Unfortunately, now I’m having trouble knowing what I can busy myself with.” 

     “You forget your origins, Bernard. Now that you don’t have much to do as a head elf, you can circle back to basics and help make toys and candy in the workshop.” You suggested. “It’s be nice to have your help.” 

     “That sounds like a good idea. Santa suggested something like that, but he made it sound more like a job of overseeing the workshop rather than helping out. Do you think the other elves would find it weird if I did?” 

     “Why would they find it weird?”

     “I don’t know, I guess just cause they see me as their boss and not a co-worker.”

     “I think you overthink too much. It’ll be fun, the other elves will be fine, you’ll have something to get your hands on, and you won’t feel so restless anymore.”

     “You make a good case, I think I will join in on the fun.”

     “Good.” You said with a smile.

     Once the cookies were done, you both took two and sat down. 

     “This is nice.” You stated softly.

     “Being with you is always nice.”     

[andthebubbles]

2023 Fic Year in Review

thank you for tagging me @smooth-boob 🥺

(So I assume all the questions refer to fics completed in 2023?)

List of Fics Completed this Year

Through Life and Death (and In Between) (simi)

The Ghost in These Halls (anthony angst, some a&b)

Benedict's Apothecary (a&b and some c)

Breathe (a&b)

A Is for Annoying (a&b)

Benedict with sideburns (a&b)

Benedict teaching Anthony how to paint, and Anthony teaching him how to do household accounts (a&b)

Missing scene from 1x04 (anthony and violet)

A fic where Colin argues with Anthony about going on a Grand Tour rather than going to Oxford (a and c)

A oneshot from the cfs!Anthony fic universe... (a and c)

That nd!anthony fic which i posted and had up for a few hours and then put on private

(Er... then I found more fics...)

(stff245) suicidal Anthony at Christmas (damn I should've posted this at xmas lol, it's just where Violet is drunk and yells at him and says she wishes it had been Anthony who had died rather than Edmund)

(stff246) more suicidal Anthony

(Um... I could post those last two actually maybe (though it would be fun to post the xmas one at xmas)... also they made me realise that my more recent a&b short fics are shit lmfao (hopefully that doesn't also apply to a/b fic........ i mean, maybe that one's safe because it's also anthony angst, although of a different sort (i should write more anthony (+ family) angst... (or I should stop posting shitty fics))))

Number of Words Written

This is for non-WIPs I presume and only for the fics I completed in 2023. 17260 unless I miscalculated.

Your Most Popular Fic

The Ghost in These Halls

Your Personal Fave

The Ghost in These Halls

Your Fave Scene

...I don't think I have one. Not from the fics that were completed in 2023 anyway.

A Fic or Scene that Challenged You

The first section of The Ghost in These Halls, I rewrote that so many times (the bit where Violet starts laying into him). Also, the second section with Benedict... towards the end of it when they're berating each other, that took a while to get out (I kept leaving it for later and coming back to it when I was inspired, and just slowly kept chipping away at it)

A Line of Writing You’re Proud Of

I have more in the WIPs/abandoned fics lmao. ffs. (like, the time loop fic where anthony attempts suicide again and benedict walks in on him/watches him die... and the cfs fic where anthony comforts daphne (and colin and benedict are there too)... and that one line from the madhouse fic about the vase of water shattering a rainbow on the wall... OH and how could i forget that paragraph from the ~benedict the artist -fic)

But uh. Actually I found one, from a fic I haven't posted (yet?); I just saw it again tonight so it feels fresh (he = Anthony, ofc):

The sunlit meadows of his childhood turn to ash, the treehouse is rotting and crumbling beneath his feet, his father sighs and looks down at him in disappointment, his mother levels him with an accusing stare. And he’s only fifteen, six, ten, four; these are his first memories and this is how it’s always been; his brothers and sisters have always hated him, he’s always been a tyrant, he’s always made them unhappy, he’s never really belonged.

A Comment that Touched You

All the lovely comments I got in 2023 on sebis fic! Holy shit. Every time I get a new nice one, it just makes my day, Which, for me, means I am happy for at most an hour, because I'm generally a miserable person, unfortunately.

Also, the nice comments on The Ghost in These Halls were lovely too. Except for that one iffy did-you-actually-like-the-fic-or-not comment

Something that Inspired Your Writing

Anthonyyyy. Anthony + angst (Anthony and Violet, Anthony and family...). Anthony and Benedictttttt

Your proudest accomplishment (that one scene; finally finishing that one fic; posting your first fic; etc):

Probably the Ghost in These Halls. It's the only fic (so far?) where I wrote the sections out of order. Also, I guess getting my head around Anthony is a nice accomplishment, because it let me write the Ghost in These Halls.

For the uh WIP fics, proudest accomplishment would be writing so much goddamn smut and actually being told that it's hot?????? eyyyy. good achievement for someone who's either (panromantic) ace or a lesbian

Do You Have Any Writing Goals for Next Year?

Yeah. Keep writing a/b fic :3 And fucking get back to the ~benedict the artist -fic.

As for... improving my writing... I feel like I can get rambly. Or make things very long, somehow. Like a/b fic. But that's also just pure indulgence on my part... I don't want that fic to end 🥺 (When else am I gonna have such a good setup where I can have my cake AND eat it? (aka have anthony/benedict as a normal couple with class differences to overcome and then them finding out that they're brothers and then i get to explore the incest side of it LMAO))

Uh also... I want to learn/remember that 1. when you're tired, you should stop pointlessly poking at the fic and you may think everything is bad/wrong when it's not, and 2. I feel like I need to learn the difference between what I want to see in an upcoming section vs what I want to cover in an upcoming section in a plot-relevant way. Because... I did a checklist of things I needed to cover for sebis fic, and it worked so well, so I've sorta been doing that for other fics, but now I'm starting to think that maybe the checklist only works if you have some plot points to cover (like sebis fic did), whereas e.g. if you want a certain thing to happen at this point in the story (e.g. something specific you want in a smut scene, or ... you want benedict to give anthony one of his poetry notebooks ~right now in the upcoming scene for example)... then maybe it isn't so good because you're trying to force the characters to do something that they're not ready to do instead of listening to what they want to do. Idk. I'm still sorting this out in my head.

Anyway.

Tagging @lucktofate @suspendingtime @wolfsbanesbite @effervescentdragon @4xmulti21champion and anyone else who wants to do it~!

[yourcarnevoreuspal]

Dun dun duh da!

I finally finished this.

It was supposed to be for xmas, then newyear but... Clearly you can see that failed.

I'm attempting to write vore differently, and better, but I don't think it's quite to my taste yet~

A short story in which my giant kobold Gohm comes across some of S/anta's Elves. Ah, also, Gohm is about 7'8" and the elves are around 4 ft.

Tw: unwilling prey, cruel? pred, implied fatal, minor fearplay?

Happy holidays~

Vore undercut!

  Peering through the dense brush, his chubby tail swaying behind him in excitement, Gohm eyes the movement of three short figures in the clearing. He's never seen creatures quite like these before, similar in appearance to humans, only much smaller and adorned in colorful outfits with little bells that jingle as they work. Gohm doesn't know what they're doing, especially this late at night in the cold, but his sensitive ears picked up the cheery ringing of their bells that lead him to the clearing. Though he hasn't been watching the elves for long, he's already made up his mind: a new creature means a new chance to try a new flavor.

    With his mind made up he begins his hunt, taking a prone position to crawl on his belly, the cold, wet snow soaking into his scales. It's difficult to sneak around when you're a creature large as he, not to mention his dark colors practically pointing arrows at him in the snow. Thankfully, it seems his prey can't see well at night, if the oil lantern hanging off their little sleigh is anything to go by. Or perhaps they're so absorbed in whatever it is they're doing that they really don't expect a big, blue kobold to suddenly pounce on them from out of the darkness. After all, who would dare attack christmas elves for fear of the naughty list?

   Leaping up from the cold ground, Gohm lands on two of his targets, pushing them to the snow with ease where they're pinned by his thick legs. Reaching over the tiny crate set up they seemed to be using as a table, he grabs hold of the third elf and yanks them across to sit in front of him. The elves are speaking to him, but he doesn't particularly care to listen, more interested in examining the one in his grasp. Sniffing at the strange attire, causing some of the bells to ring out softly, he's intrigued to find an array of sweet and pleasing scents covering this entity. 

    By now his tail is thumping wildly against one of the elves under him, and his mouth begins to water. He takes one last sniff at the elf's face before opening his maw wide to engulf their head, knocking their odd green hat to the ground in the process. Sweet, salty smooth flavors hit Gohm's tongue making him murmur in delight as he savors them. Biting down softly to keep his prey from escaping, he adjusts his grip to their legs, then shoves them further into his mouth, their head now resting at the entrance to his throat. He suckles on them a few times, enjoying their flavor until an impatient growl sounds from his waiting, hungry belly.

   Gohm swallows thickly, a single swallow bringing most of the little elf's torso into his esophagus, stretching his throat pleasantly. He hums as he licks at what's left in his mouth. Lifting his snout to face the sky, he swallows again, then once more, sending the rest of his first elf down to his waiting tummy, sighing contentedly. Grinning, he rubs his belly while the elf is slowly forced inside, enjoying the feeling of writhing prey on the way down. Being nearly twice the size of his prey, and accustomed to eating even larger, his stomach hasn't grown too noticeable aside from his prey's struggles.

   Speaking of struggles, Gohm turns his attention to the other two prey trapped by his legs who've been desperate to escape the entire time. One had almost wiggled their way out until he clamped his claws around their neck. Since he knew that little prey was secure, he went for the other one. Reaching for them, they put out their small hands in attempt to stop him, grasping on his fingers to keep his hand at bay. However, Gohm simply opts to grab them by their hands instead, pulling them up to their feet to stand in front of him.

    Since he's got them by the hands, Gohm decides he'll start from there, too. Bringing the small appendages up to his lips, he gently licks their fingers, pulling their arms into his mouth and closing it around them. Whilst his prey struggles to remove their arms, he slowly sucks them in. He wasn't intent on sniffing this prey, however with them this close to his snout he finds it's a similar smell with hints of cinnamon tickling his nose. The elf is frantic, desperately trying to pull away from him, but slowly they are drawn nearer until their face reaches his lips, upon which Gohm sticks out his pink tongue to give his prey a good lick before bringing them into his mouth.

    Running his tongue over the elf's chest, Gohm sucks on their flavor, pleased they taste of cinnamon too. It isn't too long before their torso is soaked and Gohm swallows. He pauses a moment to tease his prey, who's now halfway down his throat, poking at them from the outside. Cupping his three-fingered hand against his neck, he leisurely swallows a second time, sending the elf further to their doom. All but wriggling toes in his gullet, he takes a moment to relish the feeling of prey easing down to his belly as he gradually lifts his chin, letting gravity take over until… glk. The last swallow.

     Panting now, with two struggling preys extending his belly, Gohm can't help but to bask in it, drooling with pleasure. He almost forgets there's still one more little prey to devour. Almost- If it weren't for the prospect of having a third prey in there to struggle with them. Huffing, he turns his head back down to gaze at the pinned elf under the claws of his foot. He releases them, only to grab them once more by the neck, lifting them off the ground, above his head. Bringing his other hand over, he grabs hold of their legs, both to keep them from kicking and in support of the grasp on their neck to stop suffocation.

    They stare down at him, fear covering their expression, though only able to make a garbled noise as he grins at them before opening his maw wide, tongue lolling out with a puff of hot air. Gohm guides the elf's feet into his mouth, setting them at the entrance to his gullet and closing his teeth around their waist. His tongue slathers his prey's legs, finding this elf's taste to be softer and meatier, more appealing to his dragon-like appetite.

     Drool trailing down his chin, he jerks his head back, letting the prey attempt to stand and keep themself from sliding further. His tongue toys with their abdomen, lapping at their flavor until, inevitably, the prey can't hold on any further and they slip into his throat. Having the process started, Gohm has nothing to do but finish it, swallowing in small, steady increments. Gradually, the final prey disappears into his mouth, their hands, having been raised in the air, are all that's left on the outside. The back of the prey's head rests on his tongue and he can't help but to suck and lick the meat laying on his pallet. He's tempted to nibble at their fingers, but hasn't yet made up his mind whether he should keep these creatures as a new pet. Without a decision, he refrains from harming the poor critter, instead straightening his neck to let the rest of them softly sink down to be enveloped in his gullet. 

     Once the prey has piled into his gut, he turns his thoughts to the distended organ, running his hands over it, pushing down on his prey in their tight confinement, and wrapping his arms around it, all the while the preys inside fight to be released. Although these little snacks weren't the size of his more favorable prey, having three at once certainly makes up for it. Rolling onto his belly, he pushes them further, squishing them down to feel their every move. He nuzzles the top of his belly, tongue lolling out to lick at them still, even through the layers between.

    Purring with pleasure, Gohm hoists himself to his feet, still with one hand gently rubbing his stomach and aggravating his prey. Finally, he takes a closer look at what the elves were doing. A sleigh with a single deer to pull it. Many kinds of boxes rest in the back of the sleigh, piquing his interest. Gohm opts to take the sled with him, picking up the crate left outside the sleigh and dropping in, he walks to the head of the deer to lead it along by the reins. He guides the animal in the direction of home, where Gohm knows he can further enjoy his meal. Perhaps he'll only keep one of them and digest the rest, afterall, should he really pass up the chance on such delicious beings~? 

[everygame]

Merry Christmas From Melbourne House (Commodore 64) Developed/Published by: Melbourne House Released: 1984 Completed: 11/12/2023 Completion: Beat it with a score of 100 out of 100.

It’s 1984 and the Christmas cash-in market is finally mature, with five whole games released for home computers (at the very least.) Alphabetically first in my list (because Icon Software chose to go with “Xmas” on their merry release) Merry Christmas From Melbourne House is a slight cheat because it’s really just a tiny tech demo/bit of marketing, but it was sold, costing 95p (the price of tape duplication and postage?) for readers of Commodore User (it was actually in the December issue and the deadline was December 17th to get your money to them, which makes me wonder how many people played this long after things stopped being festive.)

It is though, honestly, what I was kind of expecting from A Christmas Adventure. It’s a short, very easy little adventure game that… passes about half an hour and actually manages to feel Christmassy. 

Like A Christmas Adventure, you’re tasked with making sure Santa can get away from the north pole to deliver presents, but in a shocking twist… YOU are Santa. The game’s blurb claims he’s “attempting to stop an industrial dispute” that “is threatening the delivery of toys to children of the world” and it sounds like jolly old saint nick is a fat cat like the rest of ‘em, and out of solidarity with the elves and workers everywhere I spent quite a bit of time typing things like “GIVE ELVES RAISE” and “PROVIDE TIME OFF” but the parser never understood it, so I almost didn’t finish this.

The plot is a bit oversold anyway, considering the solution is pretty much “Get off your fat arse and pack your sack of toys yourself, Santa.”

As you’re not doing all that much, the parser is adequate, and the graphics are… genuinely quite evocative. They are important too–the toys you have to pack are all on one screen. I don’t generally like this design in graphic text adventures–where you don’t get told everything in text (I’m a VERBOSE man in Infocom games)–and having to work out directions here was not my favourite, But it worked well enough, and I was even charmed by the full screen advert for Melbourne House games.

Anyway, lemme see how much 95p is in today’s money. £3.77. I can’t really say people got their money’s worth here, but they could do a lot worse.

Will I ever play it again? I’m good.

Final Thought: Joe Pranevich over at The Adventurer’s Guild played through this as well if you’d like to read something more in-depth about it, with the bonus that one of the developers, Dave Johnston, shows up in the comments, revealing that it was developed “in a matter on weeks using an in-house text engine and a tweaked sprite engine based on Way of the Exploding Fist code” and that he didn’t even have a copy. They paid people at Melbourne House so poorly that they couldn’t raise 95p???

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[theretirementstory]

Good morning, it’s Christmas Eve and it’s a cloudy 7c here this morning. Who cares? It will soon be Christmas Day when you can eat your body weight in chocolates before breakfast (with any luck 😂😂).

The amount of baking that has been done in this house lately, you would think I was going to be feeding the five thousand, but no, I have been preparing to give homemade food gifts to friends and neighbours this year.

After the open invitation I received last week, to visit a friend in a nearby village, I received a message from the friend in town where I spent “Réveillon” four years ago. She said that her daughter was coming from Nancy to spend time this Christmas and that there would be 11 at the table she was sorry that she couldn’t invite me. She did say that when her daughter leaves (27 December) I can go to eat with her and her sister. I did reply saying that as I still have low immunity I am wearing my mask and being very careful and avoiding large groups. I guess going to her home with just two people there could be ok but of course they will have been with nine other people themselves. Well we will wait and see.

It has been mince pie making, date stuffing, peppermint cream making, cake decorating, meringue making, baking other cakes and a first attempt at making sage and onion stuffing balls. I am still not finished, I need to marinate goats cheese to have with endives, pears and walnuts as my starter tomorrow. Monday I will be making another “first attempt” this time it will be bread sauce, I can but try these items which in the UK are readily available in a packet and only require the addition of water or milk in the case of bread sauce.

Monique came to visit and forgot the glycerine! She brought it down the following morning, unfortunately I was out shopping so she left the bottle on my kitchen window sill. In the afternoon I went to meet Claudine at the stained glass workshop to collect the bottle of glycerine she had bought at a pharmacy. One thing is certain I have plenty of glycerine I will probably be making Xmas cakes regularly to use it all up!

I went to the cinema with Pauline again, we saw “La Tresse” (The Braid), what a moving story, I thoroughly enjoyed it. Pauline is leaving this morning to go to Lille to spend Christmas with friends. We will meet up after Christmas. She has been visiting McDo in the afternoons (it’s quiet then) and she said they have been selling two macarons and a coffee for €2,90.

I went to see my friends Marlene and Manu on Friday taking foodie gifts for them. I came back with a beautiful Christmas card and a homemade gift with chocolates. I also received the most heartwarming message when I got home, not just thanking me for the gifts.

The cleaner was ill on Monday so didn’t come to work she was better for Thursday and I had a present for her. She asked if she could open it and was so moved by the gift that she hugged and kissed me. Well I didn’t see that coming!

Had a video call on Thursday evening with a friend in America. We have both been receiving treatment for cancer, she is still receiving the treatment so most of our conversation was around treatments however as her home is actually in Bar-sur-Aube she likes to catch up on activities in town.

I messaged Josette, a lady from the old knitting group. She had moved from Urville to Troyes a few years ago as her husband was on dialysis and they moved nearer to the hospital. Sadly she lost her husband back in May. She said she is finding it hard to adjust and will be spending her Christmas with her children.

It is so funny that when I was coming to France one of my criteria was to be in a town with few English people as I wanted to integrate with French people. When I arrived I believed I was the only English person in the town, I have since heard that there is an English man married to a French lady who has lived here for a lot of years, however, I have never come into contact with him. What a surprise though to now have among my friends, Portuguese , Finnish, American, Dutch, Afghan, Romanian, Turks, Georgians, Nigerians and Syrians, as well as French! The doctor I had when I first arrived was Equadorian now that was a first for me 😂.

I have decided that my taste in music is quite eclectic, so let’s have a look at my choices this week. The first one is back to 1971, it is “Tap Turns On The Water” by C.C.S. It always brings to mind my Godmothers house that I had known from being a very young girl.

The second song is “Trapped” by Colonel Abrams which dates back to 1985. Memories of this song are from dancing the night away in “La Grotte” disco in Sousse Tunisia.

“The Photographer” messaged me last night saying the bar he was in had a bottle of champagne which came from very close to me. The champagne was £64 per bottle in the bar. Turns out it was a bottle of Drappier Champagne. the champagne house is 4.5 miles from where I live, situated in the village of Urville. I wonder how much that bottle would cost here?

“The Trainee Solicitor” has finished work for a break over the Xmas period, he said he will be “popping in” to catch up on things. Well I hope he is going to take some time to rest up as he has been feeling “not too good”.

“The Ex-Graduate” has been working her socks off and the work doesn’t ease off over Xmas for her. She has the Bank holidays off but then is working 5 days/nights in a row including New Years Eve! Roll on a start date for the full-time job in her chosen profession.

I imagine that my gorgeous grandchildren are eagerly awaiting the arrival of Santa Claus. They are celebrating their Xmas Day with Daddy on the 26th December. What fun, two Xmas Days 😁, hopefully there will be time for a video call with Grand-mere in France not on their Xmas Day but one day that they are with Daddy.

So now, when Pauline is preparing to travel to Lille for Xmas, Anie is safely ensconced in Indonesia, Darcy is ready to enjoy Christmas in Florida, I am ready to enjoy my Christmas here in my home. I have chosen a bottle of champagne, it is a rose and is my last bottle of Cudel. There won’t be anymore of that for me as the champagne house was sold a few years ago. Never mind I may have a bottle of Drappier another year, who knows!

Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas, hopefully catch you again before the New Year.

[waddingham]

what tedbecca drafts do you still have?

oh lord. answering this has made me feel insane fdkfkdjfk under the cut because the list is really that long 😭 i'm not sure if you meant ones i could post or like. everything? but this is all of them that i have at least several hundred words down for (if not more in most cases 😵‍💫)

bold are ones i have enough to post at least a chapter of if not completely finished, italicized are prompts from my inbox here i'm trying to fill

ted arrives pre divorce

two 'how it could happen' snippets

ted shapeshifts (lol)

ted gets a gf

established relationship car accident

elementary school au

ted insecure

established relationship henry gets hurt

rebecca has a daughter au

ted panic attack h/c

miscommuncation/fight? hard to explain

rebecca struggles w intimacy

established relationship bex seeks rebecca's help

rebecca cheating baggage

tattoos

stranded in snow

they get a cat

rebecca birthday snippet

silly carol of the bells snippet

they start sleeping together post panic attacks

two established relationship snippets

yoga instructor au (lol)

two different versions of an escort au sequel (i dont think its ever happening guys sorry lmao)

ted nearly kills himself

ted-centered sequel to wound/scar

dance au snippet

vibrator fic continuation

ted and beard fight snippet

sequel to time curious time

established relationship they do a spread for a magazine

lawyer au (lol)

two attempts at some xmas fic

pms fic sequel

they get found out by picking up each others verbal nuances

two leg fic chapters (rip)

two someday snippets

ted has sisters au

and of course my beloved beloved enemies to lovers western au

and honesty if there's one of these you really want to see let me know and ill try to work on it more or post it! i tend to jump on new ideas before i finish the old so i love hearing what you guys wanna read

[tokusaatsus]

helloooo !!

how are we all doing? just wanted to say: i’m going to be vv ia (both on here and disc, but esp disc) starting from 2023.

nothing bad ofc, i just want to focus more on my school work as my exams + apps are coming right up around the corner and i’m trying to break my habit of being online majority of the time !!

i will still post fics on here, though it will probably be even more sporadically then it is now ( > my apologies for that :( i am not good w time management as you can see by my posting schedule... ) which is why i am attempting to finish at least 3/6 reqs before jan 1st. i’ll also pop in occasionally ( > once a week? ) to rb some stuff, talk to my moots, etc :3 so feel free to tag me/send me asks and i will get back to them when i can !!

as for disc, i’ll be offline on weekdays but i’ll probably check in on weekends to say hello and all that, so again, do feel free to ping/dm me and dw if i don’t respond immidiately !!

if any of you see me online, it is your sworn duty to send me an ask/dm that says “sunny/sol/reze/[insert name here] stop being so chronically online challenge: failed ?!” ( > /j ofc... unless? )

anyways, happy ( > late ) xmas and happy ( > almost ) 2023 !!＼(≧▽≦)／

[randolphbellmd]

please forgive this long-winded recap of the year i am experiencing some uncharacteristic optimism and don’t know what else to do with it.

to preface, the last four new years eve’s have been awful. in 2018, my friend was in the process of breaking up with me but didn’t have the courtesy to tell me. in 2019, i was a ninth wheel at a party hosted by said “friend”. 2020 speaks for itself, i think.

my 2021 ended after a neuropsychologist doing a 45 min test (instead of an 8 hour assessment) and telling me that the crippling dysfunction that i had been struggling with for years was just single pandemic grad student things. she suggested i start taking a medication i’d already tried and vitamin D. this was a three days before my second pandemic xmas alone. i spent the next four days exclusively watching a sitcom and doing a puzzle (to get out of my head) and filled a script for a third attempt at antidepressants. i decided that if multiple therapists and an actual medical doctor was going to look at me and say “it’s nothing, just try harder,” then i was officially on my own. i had no friends in town, i had no one who could help me do my job, and i couldn’t rely on a doctor to help me. i was on my own to create my own support network.

for months i was fueled exclusively by spite, fictional characters, and a daily dose of meds. i wanted to get out of grad school. i wanted to be “doctor”. not because of the status or the jobs but because i wanted to be dr. and not mrs. or ms., and i didn’t want to quit after 6 years of being here already. that fueled me enough to stumble through a few months. i got some of my mojo back and started doing experiments again, which meant that i would get closer to graduating. then i tricked myself into thinking i had so much mojo that in the summer, i scheduled and finished a massive 12 weeks of 60+ hr/week. and i did it. all via faking it until i made it.

it turns out i made it.

but what really changed was that sometime in may/june, i started being able to see the future again. for the first time in years, i could see my future. grad school is always this purgatory between student and career and for years (coupled with isolation and general sam-ness) i couldn’t see any way out of it. not in a i-wish-i-was-dead way but the view of the future just looked like this big, dark, never-ending tunnel. this year i could finally see the signs that pointed toward the exit. i’m even getting close enough to see the light at the end.

i started thinking about how i saw myself in that future, and what being “dr.” actually meant. i’ve always been somewhat gender neutral (being named sam rocks, btw) and had been wearing almost exclusively men’s clothes for years, but i started thinking about how much better it felt when i allowed myself to be truly gender neutral all the time. when i was dr. sam, what did that look like? and i did a search for top surgery. i kinda laughed it off and was like yeah, wouldn’t that be nice, but eh, not now.

until i stopped saying “eh, not now.” and started saying “why not now?” and after weeks of detailed research it was looking more like now was exactly the right time. for a hundred reasons i won’t go into. i told my therapist and she asked how it felt to say that out loud and i said “this is the first time in years i’ve felt good about the future.” i called the hospital the next day and set up a consultation that at the time was nine months in advance. it’s in april of next year. which means the procedure will be sometime late next fall, right around my 30th birthday.

since that day, everything’s felt a little more hopeful. i had a hard deadline for when i wanted to be done with my experiments... because i would be recovering from surgery. i started exercising regularly... to be in better shape before the procedure. and it just snowballed from there. i’ve been exercising 4+ days/week for 20 weeks straight because i found a program that i like (and have lost 15 lbs because of it). i finished a huge experiment this summer and next month is my qualifying exam. i’m actually scientifically working on my gut, and had to give up my favorite foods for months to do so. i bought a suit. i made a tattoo appointment. i wrote 200,000 words of fanfiction.  i got a new therapist to help with the OCD. i hadn’t brought any meat into my home in years on account of crippling anxiety and i’ve cooked chicken three times. this month.

and if you’re wondering, these are all little changes. the workouts started as 30 min low-impact HIIT videos on youtube. the chicken isn’t magically a good sauteed chicken stir fry, it’s “i’m going to use tongs to throw this in the crock pot and not look at it for 4 hours until it’s cooked to death, but that still counts as cooking it.” it’s baby steps, but it’s real steps.

oh, and i got a second opinion from a different neuropsychologist, and after a full clinical assessment, i got a diagnosis that made sense. and it was even better than the first, because after getting that diagnosis, nothing has changed. my life wasn’t magically better because a doctor told me what was up, it just made me feel a little better about why things are so hard, and made me want to work harder on those things.

god just typing this doesn’t feel like it’s all true but it is. i sound like a cliche.

looking back at all the resolutions i wrote at the beginning of the year... i’ve hit all of them somehow. be ready for my qualifying exam, exercise more, cook meat... all of them. initially thanks to spite, tv, and antidepressants, but then because i started saying “why not now” (and also spite, tv, and antidepressants). it all snowballed. i’m writing this because i genuinely can’t believe what i’ve accomplished this year. especially because of where i was last year at this time, sitting in my shower thinking i was permanently broken and nothing would fix me, and i would never see through the darkness of this tunnel.

tl;dr: never underestimate the power of spite, small joys (read: tv), medication, and faking it till you make it. because if you do that enough, you won’t be faking it anymore, you’ll just be doing it. that perseverance will spill into other parts of your life if you let it. so much so that after 365 days, you won’t believe you were able to do all of this by - and for - yourself. create your own community. stick with it. change what isn’t working. try the meds. live for yourself.

this year, i lived for myself. it doesn’t feel real, but it is.