#i went way too hard on this on a whim last night LMAO

[dragon-spaghetti]

The Gambling Overlord 🃏

(Please click for better quality!!)

[sukirichi]

earned it [06]

Gojo Satoru is a firm believer that if you work hard for it then you shall earn it. But on the other side, he’s not unfamiliar with his own sins. He also believes that there is punishment due for his sins as he’s earned it.

cw. attempted murder and suicide, angst ig i feel nothing at this point because NAOYA 😭

notes. i’m rolling with the earned it jokes that reader is shippable with everyone so HAH enjoy this chapter because I didn’t enjoy the last LMAO (IM SO EXCITED FOR TOJI TO APPEAR!)

series masterlist

Your muscles throbbed, the pounding of your heart felt even through your skin. You’ve spent hours in the training room, taking punch by punch, landing blow by blow – yet no matter how hard you tried, you kept falling on your ass. At this point, your backside was beyond sore, skin drenched with sweat and clothes sticking uncomfortably to the surface. Meanwhile, your ‘savior’ barely felt the need to catch his breath, instead gazing down at you with disappointment written all over his face.

“Why do you expect so much from me?” you panted, fists clenched on the mat. “Didn’t you tell me you just needed me to get your money back and that’s it? I didn’t ask for you to do anything so stop telling me I’m indebted to you all the time.”

Naoya clicked his tongue, clearly disappointed by your lack of resolve. Above you, he swept up his cane and finally balanced himself. You previously thought he didn’t struggle because he looked so calm and composed, easily overpowering you even with his injury, but his lips were strained, jaw clenched tight that perhaps he was just good at concealing his pain. It made you shut up and watch his every move; his back faced you – probably to hide whatever fleeting moment of vulnerability he had.

“I won’t always be there to save your sorry life,” he said calmly, “You need to learn how to be strong on your own no matter how tough it gets. Now if you’ll keep complaining instead of finishing your training, I could happily lock you up and force you to do my dirty work for me.”

“Then why don’t you go ahead?!”

“I don’t want to,” Naoya responded without missing a beat. He easily closed the distance with a few staggered steps, his head tilted to the side as he surveyed you.

You wondered what went through his mind. Did he see a weak woman? A woman who must be so helpless, so useless that you stayed there, legs too tired and muscles aching too much you couldn’t move? There was no telling with Naoya, and his guarded gaze didn’t help either. Satoru had always been difficult to read at most, but with Naoya – it was practically impossible.

Even as he cupped your chin and twisted it sideways, his eyes narrowed over all your features like he saw something you didn’t, he was too guarded.

“I need you in taking down Gojo Satoru. In order to accomplish that, I have to use his weakness against him. You showing up won’t be enough. No, I want to hurt him…and what better way than to take what was once his, right? Dangle right in front of his eyes what he let go of, make him regret his actions?” his smile turned dark, and for the first time since you’ve met him, you got a glance of what his heart really looked like.

It wasn’t true that Naoya was heartless – no, he just had a dark, sinister heart that didn’t beat the same tune as others. He played his own music with the bones of his enemies, drinking their lifeline from a gold cup and drowning in them, his ominous laughter the perfect antithetical melody of what could’ve been angelic hums.

“Don’t you want that?”

His question made your heart skipped a beat. This whole time, you’ve been so hell bent on achieving something, but what you wanted to reach had never been clear. You were too driven by emotions, by the pain Satoru’s absence had caused, and now that the opportunity was presented before you, you faltered.

“I don’t know what I want.”

“Well, if you ask me what I want…” he tilts your chin up with his finger “It would be to see you strong enough that even you would be capable of taking me down. So be strong, keep fighting – I’ll be there with you every step of the way. You only have one job, and that is to live. I am not allowing you to give up at the slightest of minor inconveniences.”

“And if I get weak?” you questioned with an oscillating tremor, the bite of his cold skin against your heated ones spiking. “If I want to give up? Would I fail you then?”

“I don’t think you’re someone who cares about failing others, so don’t fret whether you’d please me or not,” Just like that, Naoya’s scornful tone had risen again. He let go of you until you dropped down to your palms, blinking back at the sudden change of atmosphere. “Like I said, just do what you need to do, keep going. Don’t look back or be afraid to take the next big step because I’ll always be there right beside you.”

“Why should I trust you?”

“I’m not asking you to, princess,” he snickered, already half way to the door that only he was allowed to go in. Even though you’ve been staying in his manor for quite some time, there were still some things Naoya didn’t trust you with, leaving you only more curious to find out the secrets within.

“Only time will tell. But once you’ve made your decision, know that my ring is always waiting beside your table,” his voice echoed through the large room, stopping in his tracks to look at you once more. This time, he had no haunting features, only the cold emptiness likened to staring back to an infinite void of nothingness.

“I expect an answer when I get home.”

You still remembered the day you decided to wear his ring. Naoya had come then, tired and aggravated from matters he didn’t bother explaining. You stood on his doorway, lips shut tight as you nervously fiddled with your ring, unsure if whether you should tell him or allow him to piece the puzzle himself.

Thankfully, Naoya was a lot more observant than you gave him credit for.

His eyes slid over your face before he followed the motion of your fingers, smirking as the jewel glinted under the bright lights of his home. Wise choice, he’d once told you, and you believed it.

Your life hadn’t been the same ever since. Your spontaneous marriage equated to hellish training of perfecting your image as his trophy wife, spending hours in his secret laboratory and discussing business plans through a glass of wine. Naoya wasn’t around much to teach you everything and it pained him to be your own trainer too so you had to ask help from his guards, refusing to give up and fall down even as your muscles screamed at you to take a break. For Naoya, with Naoya, giving up and running away felt like a myth; a buried solution in the past that should never be brought up again. But now that he was gone, you did exactly that.

You’d given up. Satoru had made you run away.

“Miss,” a deep voice cut you from your thoughts. You tore your gaze away from the  glowing night city of Milan to turn to Satoru’s right hand man, the tall figure looming rather shyly instead of imposingly. “You haven’t eaten since we got here. Would you like anything? Mr. Gojo will cover your expenses.”

“I want to go home.”

He froze at your deadpan statement. Finally meeting your gaze under his lashes, Geto pursed his lips. “You know we can’t do that, Miss. It’s unsafe back in Japan.”

“And who’s to say Toji won’t follow us here?” you snapped, pushing your weight off the Cleopatra set and uncrossing your legs. “Why can’t your stupid boss just activate the account and give it back to us? I think we’ve made it clear we’re more than capable of handling our finances, and I’m pretty sure Satoru doesn’t need any more money when he can afford all this.”

“Mr. Gojo…has his reasons for everything he does.”

You laughed bitterly. Maybe it was the fact that Satoru had left this morning for whatever business he had that you didn’t have anyone else to let your anger out to that you’d swiped your gun under your thigh holster and dashed his way.

Geto’s back slammed against the wall, the cool barrel of your gun pressed to his jaw. He swallowed nervously, eyes darting to your weapon, and you laughed heartlessly. “Oh, please, do tell because nothing makes sense,” you crooned, flipping the safety off and letting your heated gaze meet his rather docile ones. You almost felt bad for him. Almost.

“I could easily put a bullet through your head and hijack his plane. I’ll be gone before you know it and who’s to stop me from doing that? Why should I stay here any longer with you?”

“Because your husband asked you to,” Geto responded softly. You stepped back with wide eyes, yesterday’s event crashing all over you once again. He must’ve sensed you no longer held any hostility because he used his pointer finger to move the barrel away from him, gently peeling your hands off his suit. “Because you know, if you go back to Japan, there will be nothing waiting for you there.”

You balled your fists. “I will kill Fushiguro Toji myself. Then I’ll kill Satoru.”

“Even if he used to be your lover?”

“Especially because he used to be my lover.”

Okay…maybe your plan of escaping and returning to Japan hadn’t worked out that well. Exhaustion finally crept up to your senses that you passed out not long after attacking Geto – who reassured you to no end he wasn’t mad you tried to kill him – and days have passed ever since. You hated to admit it, but being stuck in an overseas hotel wasn’t so bad. Geto’s presence was a lot more comforting than his master’s that you didn’t mind having him watch your every move. Plus, he was really nice to immediately follow your every whim. You wanted hot chocolate? Extra pillows? A really expensive wine that you refused to pay for because you were petty and dramatic? He provided it all without question.

Except he probably should have, because you’d stripped off to your underwear, head tipped back to take one final swig of the nearly empty bottle as you slid deeper into the tub.

Your fiery nature of rolling your eyes at Satoru every time he came around (which was rare, for some reason) couldn’t fool anyone – not even yourself. The moment Geto retired to the living room, you would bite the pillows to muffle your cries, thinking back to when Naoya was still alive. It was an endless torment of what if you had stayed, what if you had pushed the rubble off him, what if you just saved him?

Would he still be alive? Would he have survived? Would you be back with him in the Zen’in Estate instead of holding your breath under the tub in a desperate attempt to conceal your tears?

It hurt so bad. It hurt everywhere.

Your lungs begged you to rise up and breathe, but you stayed still under the water, eyes shut tight and hands clenched around the tub’s edges so hard your knuckles turned white. Soon, you grew dizzy and your grip slipped away. Finally, fucking finally, you were falling, falling way too deep that your legs bent inside the tub. Bubbles erupted from your lips in one last breath. At the back of your mind, you let out a sincere laugh for you’d meet your husband soon. He’d be disappointed, probably scold you all the way to the afterlife – until strong arms pulled you out of the tub and into someone’s chest instead.

“Shit, what are you doing?! You could’ve drowned!”

You coughed out water and fisted Satoru’s button-up shirt that had now clung to his skin from the water. Looking around you, you were still very much alive, the uncomfortable twisting of your heart a painful reminder of that. Above you, Satoru sat you in his lap while he remained cross-legged on the floor, muttering curses under his breath as he wrapped a towel around you.

Scoffing, you pushed his hands away, though you kept the towel anyway to lessen your shivering. Why the fuck was the AC so damn strong here?

“Dying seems like a better option, don’t you think?” you snarled at him, teeth chattering from the chill that had begin to seep in.

Momentarily, you worried on how much of a hot mess you probably looked like. Smudged eyeliner, wine-stained lips, unbrushed hair and remnants of the wine mixing with the once clear bath water – you shook your head at the thought and glared at Satoru.

“Where the fuck have you been?”

“I was out contacting friends to ask for help. We’re going to need a hundred pairs of eyes watching anywhere that Toji could possibly come through.”

“Is this your pathetic idea of ‘keeping me safe’? Locking me up in this stupid hotel and having your man watch me all the time?” you pushed yourself off him, the sudden motion of standing up giving you wobbly legs. Satoru reached over to steady you but you slapped his hand away, your glare warning him to not take another step.

Seeing his face, seeing him worried as if he didn’t just cause your life to turn into absolute hell, you wanted to grab the wine bottle and smash it right at his pretty face. He had no right to look at you with pity.

You hated him, utterly and terribly despised this man with your entire being.

“What are you really planning, Satoru? Why can’t we just come back home and attack Toji with all we’ve got? Why don’t you just give back our fucking money so we can end all this for once and for all and I can leave?!”

“Because I don’t have the money!”

“What?”

“The money…” Satoru’s back slid off the wall, his palm coming up to thread through his hair. He sounded weak, defeated. “I don’t have it.”

“Gojo,” you snatched him by the collar, teeth bared as you demanded, “What do you mean you don’t have it?”

Satoru paled. “When I stole the money from the Zen’ins, the figures were all fake. They’re not real, there’s no actual money hidden behind their accounts and it was too late before I realized that,” his lips trembled as he continued, “Whatever Toji placed in there, it’s not his actual account where he hides everything and it would make sense too because I stole it too easily – almost as if they wanted me to take it. A few hacks here and there and it was immediately wired to me but after meeting you…” Satoru shook his head, chin dropped down low. “I checked again and the account never existed. It’s a fake one. The digits are just there for show.”

“So then why would Toji want it? Why did my husband have to die for nothing?!”

“I don’t know, okay, I don’t know anything!” he argued back until your faces grew closer, his nose brushing with yours.

Somehow, you couldn’t pull away. His knees had drawn up, forcing you to rest on his thighs as you both breathed heavily, your grip on his collar almost havered.

“Whatever the Zen’ins are hiding, that’s beyond me. I may be in the business for far longer than they have, but they have always been notorious with their possessions that I’m not surprised even I can’t find where it really leads back to. Whatever Toji is hiding there, your husband must’ve known something about it. Why else would they fight tooth and bone over it?”

“If there was, Naoya would’ve told me about it.”

“He would if he trusted you,” Satoru suddenly grabbed your wrist and shook it until you stared at your ring. “How are you even so sure he could trust you with that information? Have you forgotten you’re just a pawn to his game and you’re nothing but a bed warmer?”

“Don’t you ever speak about us that way. You don’t know how much he cared for me.”

“If he really did, then why didn’t he tell you why his cousin is after you? He’s using you as bait, Y/N. I’m not the bad guy here. That man you’re so deeply in love with? I can’t guarantee he’s better than me. We’re all men in the mafia, love is the last thing we would care about.”

You pushed yourself off him.

His words stung too much, not because it was a lie, but because you know there was some sort of truth ringing behind it. You trudged out of the bathroom and sat on the bed, unstirred by the fact you dripped all over the carpeted floor. From behind you, Satoru’s rushed footsteps echoed, but you didn’t care. You simply threw on a robe with your back turned to him.

“And you’d know that better than everyone right? Considering how easy it was for you to leave me?” When Satoru didn’t respond, you chuckled humorlessly and sat on the bed. “What Naoya and I had…it was a friendship that healed my soul. I don’t…I don’t know what to do without him.”

“Friendship?”

You smiled sadly. “I wasn’t actually in love with him, idiot. Men like Naoya don’t know what love is, but he sure does know how to protect family.”

The notion of talking about him, of accepting that maybe he really was gone…somewhat reliving.

Satoru was the last person you wanted to talk to your late husband about, but Geto – which is the much better company – wasn’t around, and you hugged your knees to yourself, refusing to let Satoru see through your vulnerability.

“You know, I trusted him more than I did myself. He was always there for me, no matter what. His soul was dark, angry, corrupted – he’s not the man I would fall for, but despite all that, he was the friend I needed,” you buried your face in your knees, voice muffled as you cried, your heart shattering again and again and again.

The ring on your finger had never felt so heavy ever since you wore it.

“I loved him as much as I hated you.”

Satoru was silent, so much so that you wondered if he was even in the same room at all. You sat there crying, too hopeless to even try to conceal it anymore. Shivering, you close your eyes and forced the image of Naoya’s last moments away from your memories, desperately praying to whoever had mercy that you could just forget all about it.

“Geto told me you tried to kill him,” Satoru murmured after a beat, “You could’ve easily escaped and went back to Japan if you wanted to, so why didn’t you? Was it because of me?”

You remembered what you tried to do today.

Just like that, Naoya was alive once more. You were brought back to the day of your wedding when he’d clasped your sweaty, clammy hands in his, rubbing some warmth in them before pressing a kiss at the top of your knuckles. He’d asked you to promise him something then – an entire contrast from his constants orders over your well-being – and it was a promise you’d momentarily forgotten; a promise you’d broken out of mourning.

“Naoya once told me,” you reminisced through dry, cracked lips and even more shattered heart, the picture of his disappointment as clear as day. “Death was the only place he can go where he would never allow me to follow.”

It took a lot, but it somehow got better. After allowing yourself a faint moment of weakness where Naoya resurfaced in your mind to remind you of our promise and your purpose, you felt stronger, somewhat steadier with each step you took. You were still wary around Satoru, although that was a given.

His friend, Geto, was really nice, on the other hand, and you couldn’t explain why you always lowered your guard around the formal dark-haired assistant.

You and Geto were playing chess when Satoru barged in out of nowhere, a plate and a syrup condenser on his hand. “So I got you breakfast,” was his greeting, nodding at Geto once as a silent order to give you two privacy. You pouted as the latter left, but soon your attention had been diverted to the heavenly aroma filling in your senses. Seeing your approval, Satoru hid a smile behind his dark sunglasses. “Still like pancakes?”

“Trying to get into my good graces now?”

“I’m just trying to cheer you up.”

You rolled your eyes but snatched the plate from him anyway. “So I talked to my lawyer,” you begun, pouring syrup all over the fluffy bread until it was almost spilling to the sides. Beside you, Satoru’s snickers were barely muffled, to which you ignored wholeheartedly. “They’ve already processed my inheritance over Naoya’s possessions and assets. Once we return to Japan, I’ll be the next leader of the Zen’in Clan, much to the disappointment of his elders, of course, but they can’t do anything about it,” you informed him with your fork hanging in mid-air, the words falling thickly. “You know what that means, don’t you?”

“That we’re back to being enemies?”

You offered him a sarcastic smile. “Naoya lied about strengthening his alliance with your family. He doesn’t actually give a fuck about you.”

“I figured that much,” he snickered to himself, shifting his weight until his elbows rested on his thighs. “Listen…a friend of mine is flying to Milan tonight to meet us. They have strong connections with banks all over the world and they brought in some information about that hidden Zen’in account. I think we’re finally getting off to somewhere and finding out what really is in there,” Satoru gauged for your reaction, but you kept eating – more like stuffing the pancakes inside your mouth for you were finally free of having to act perfect without your husband.

Satoru’s hand landed on top of yours. “I promise…I’ll give it back to right where it belongs. As soon as it’s wired back to you, I’m setting you free.”

You stared at the unwanted figure over you, and you snatched your hand back, waving a bread knife below his lashes. “You can’t set me free when I was never yours,” you sang breathily, the tip of the blade hovered right at his lips. Satoru raised a brow at you, but you quickly retrieved the knife back with widened eyes. “Now that you mention it…I think Naoya told me something about his family stashing secret weapons and even heirlooms through offshore accounts and buried under islands. He was a little sleepy during that time but I remember it,” pushing the plate away from you as you lost your appetite, you clutched your palms under your chin in thought. “He said he was looking for something he lost as a child, possibly an heirloom.”

“He’s doing all this for heirlooms?” Satoru immediately coughed his words back when you glared at him, raising his hands in surrender. “I mean, I was just saying. I didn’t think he was a sentimental type of guy.”

“The question here is what both Toji and Naoya could’ve both wanted from that account. It’s not just an heirloom, obviously there’s something there worth more than money,” You argued and slapped your knees, heading straight to your (unfortunately) shared room. “Whatever. I’ll get this over with as soon as I get the money back.”

Satoru, as always, was hot on your heels. It annoyed you how he trailed over you like some sort of puppy or shadow – Naoya had always been too classy to not give you space.

The difference between them just kept getting more and more uncannily obvious.

“Whoa there, stop. Did you really think I’d give back the money to you and that’s it? Are you forgetting the fact Toji is out there to kill you just so he can have his hands on it?”

“He can have the money for all I fucking care,” you shrugged and sat on your bed, scrolling through numerous piles of emails and records that Naoya entrusted you to keep. Surely you could find something. “I just need to find whatever Naoya’s spent his whole life killing for.”

“Why don’t you care about the money? Didn’t Naoya expect you to take over his business?”

Your thumb froze over a file. Suddenly, your throat grew dry, and you quickly flashed Satoru a stinky eye. “I-it’s not my main concern.”

“It’s not safe for you. If Toji finds out—”

Got it. You bookmarked an email Naoya had forwarded you around three years ago and resent it to an old friend, pocketing the phone back to your pyjamas before Satoru could see. “I’ll handle it. I’ve been doing well so far before you came into our lives again,” you finalized, stopping for a bit as you waited for that all-too familiar footfall matching with yours, only for the room to be coated in silence.

Satoru stood there on the other side of the room, eyes deep in thought before he sighed. “I’ll meet you at the hotel restaurant tonight. We have a lot to discuss on what our next move should be,” nodding once, Satoru left the room.

The hotel room was eerily silent.

Dinner came around faster than you expected. With Geto out to run some errands for Satoru, something about ‘establishing bases’ or whatever, you were locked in your room, using Naoya’s black card to get enough amount of clothing to last you for your stay here. Even though Satoru had promised he’d take care of everything, you didn’t want to be in his debt for any longer. You weren’t his, you were Naoya’s, and you shot down his curious looks when heaps of shopping bags had been delivered to your door.

An hour later, you left the room, struggling to zipper the back of your dress. Satoru was already in the living room buttoning up his suit jacket, just as handsome as ever (though you’d never tell him that.)

His hands froze in the last button once his eyes landed on you, and you huffed at him, too distressed to even act cute or bothered while pointing to your dress. Satoru strode to you in three long steps, his cold fingers brushing against the dip of your spine when he clutched on the zipper.

You had to bite your lip down to prevent the shivers from spilling through, his lips dangerously close to your ear as he whispered, “You look great.”

“You’re not so bad yourself.”

If Satoru was bothered by the lack of sincerity in your voice, he didn’t comment on it. He removed his hands from you and watched as you slipped black velvet gloves through your arms – just in case you had to end up killing someone; leaving fingerprints was a risk you couldn’t take.

“Did you really get dressed to kill?”

“I came here to negotiate,” you corrected, “I’ll do everything I can to find out whatever’s behind that offshore account. And you, sir,” Frowning at him, you pulled Satoru closer by the tie, perhaps a little too harshly since he nearly knocked his head with yours. He was quick to steady himself as you fixed his tie, flattening it down with your fingers. “You need to know where you should stick your nose in. This is more my business than yours so don’t get in my way acting all hero and shit. I assure you I can handle myself.”

“You’re really going to berate me for worrying about you?”

“You can no longer worry about me,” you disclosed, snatching your black purse from the counter before doing the come hither motion at his shock-still figure. “Now let’s go. We have a case to crack.”

“Case to crack? You sure sound like a detective.”

You snickered, but made no further comment. The elevators dinged and you arrived at the restaurant, which you really regretted not visiting soon enough because the place was grand. Red carpeted floors, golden chandeliers, soft jazz music playing in the background as the lights dimmed down low, the faint clinking of utensils against plates and light chatter of the guests so heartbreakingly nostalgic.

It seemed that even after his death, Naoya had every intention to never leave your side. The setting reminded you too much of your never-ending late night fancy dinners.

Naoya being Naoya, he didn’t blink twice in flaunting his money and renting out entire restaurants all for himself, claiming that he just ‘wanted to have an intimate moment with his wife.’ Sure, it mostly consisted of you discussing what move you should make next, but it was the most affectionate gesture you’ve received after spending years in the quiet and cold environment of the Zen’in Estate.

The outside world wasn’t any better when you and Naoya were marked as targets by the entire government, so it made sense, that only with him that you’d find comfort in.

You must be so out of it you never even noticed Satoru leading you to your seat, a warm meal that should’ve been comforting right under your nose. It was too much – too similar that you headed straight for the wine, ignoring Satoru’s questioning gaze. You noticed from the corner of his eye that he opened his mouth too many times in an attempt to make light conversation, but this dinner wasn’t for you to rekindle your old flame.

No, you were here to wait for his ‘friend’ and review important matters. You were determined to fulfill that purpose alone and only that alone that you never once made eye contact with him, even standing up to reach the salt shaker near him instead of asking him to pass it.

Just as you leaned back to your seat, the music grew louder. A foreign man walked to the stage where he was basked in the spotlight, all heads turning to him when he tapped the microphone, sending little echoes all over the hall. “Ladies and gentlemen, let’s loosen up tonight with a drink and bring our lovers out here on the dance floor,” he sang while swaying side to side, snapping his fingers to the beat that had turned into calming to sensual. “It is a fine evening, isn’t it? Come on, don’t be shy, the night is still so young!”

You dropped your fork beside the plate. “Did you know about this?”

“I swear, I had no idea.”

“Those two attractive lovers in table 42, the dance floor is still much too spacious!”

“Pretty vulgar for a five star hotel,” you commented under your breath and dabbed the pasta sauce off your lips with a napkin, slapping it down the table as you stood up – much to Satoru’s surprise who’d tried to make himself invisible from the host’s eyes. Stupid him; did he really think he could blend in with his sunglasses and snow white hair?

If you were to be honest, you’d rather choke on shrimp than dance with him, but you had an image to upkeep. If you couldn’t gather with the crowd and pretend to be one with others, both your true natures would be fished out even with innocent eyes. You were left with no choice but to be comfortable in the dance floor, sighing deeply as you placed your hands down on Satoru’s wide shoulders. He furrowed his brows at you but said nothing else; strong, cautious hands sliding down from your back before they settled at the curve of your hips.

“Keep your hands to yourself, Mister. I won’t hesitate to stab a fork through your jugular right here.”

“Oh, don’t worry, I know you’re not my little angel anymore.”

Angel. It was what he used to call you back then – when you were still but an innocent, naïve being who never believed in monsters until you fell for one.

He was right; you were no longer his angel. The woman he loved had been left abandoned in the street, the purity of her soul tainted with anger and heartbreak that soon bathed in blood and the need for revenge. His angel was no more – the woman he danced with was nothing but a replica of the face and body he adored the most. Now, you danced with him, not as his angel and neither as his rival’s wife, but simply as a woman whose kindness had long vanished into thin air.

Satoru danced with the devil.

And he should be disgusted just as you should be repulsed with how sickeningly smooth and graceful he was in everything he did, but the wine – yes, it was the fucking wine – messed with you that you actually enjoyed it. Your bodies moved in rhythm and syncopated with the beat, the romantic high notes of the violin and the tender embrace of deep trebles like a classical painting coming to life and you were its subjects to be expressed.

Perhaps…you were just sad. You grieved and mourned too much you’d momentarily forgot what love was, in turn making you forget what it felt like to be constantly unsafe and peeking over your shoulder in case someone tried to kill you.

Satoru just felt so warm, so safe and alive that you found your head dipping lower, your muscles relaxing around his soothing and undeniably tender touch, the space between your bodies diminishing until you surrendered to the power of your desire. You were so close, your ear about to press on his chest to listen to the blissful sound of someone’s reassuring heartbeat along with the music, and then you saw him.

A tuft of blonde hair, a chiseled face, a nude cream suit and a deep blue shirt beneath – what the fuck was he doing here?

The spell was broken in an instant.

Satoru must’ve been under the same trance for his hand trailed lower to pull you closer, your chests grazing with one another before you placed your palm flat on his body, lips thinned into a grim look that resonated with the sick, twisting feeling in your guts.

“I,” you croaked out, clearing your throat when it went dry. “I need to go to the ladies.”

You left Satoru without another word, bunching your dress up to run to where he had disappeared. He was still walking coolly and inspecting the paintings hung in the empty lobby with faux interest – although knowing him, the bastard probably did enjoy classical pieces and studied about them in his free time; which he didn’t have much to begin with.

As if sensing your presence, he stopped right in front of a replica of The Sleeping Venus, his hands dug deep in his pockets. “The shape of being is the visual demonstration of a state of being in which idealized existence is suspended in immutable slow-breathing harmony. All the sensuality has been distilled off from this sensuous presence, and all incitement; Venus denotes not the act of love but the recollection of it. The perfect embodiment of Giorgione’s dream, she dreams his dream herself,” he narrates in his baritone voice, “A little cordial, is it not?”

You took your gun out from your thigh holster and lowered it right at the back of his skull. “Don’t move another inch.”

“No need to be so hostile in a public setting, Y/N. I’m only here to look out for you and making sure you’re not forgetting who you are. Killing me isn’t part of the plan.”

“Neither was murdering my husband,” you growled, pushing the barrel harder against him, though the man didn’t budge before you. “I know that it wasn’t Toji who set off the bomb, Kento, you did.”

“We simply saw an opportunity that couldn’t be wasted. Two notorious mafia leaders in an unsuspecting supposed safe environment?” The fact he didn’t even deny it left you speechless. Kento spun around until your gun rested between his eyes, and he languidly pushed his glasses up his high nose as he looked down on you. “We could’ve killed two birds with one stone had you not been in the way.”

“You guys are out to kill me too now?”

“Don’t act too surprised. The Organization isn’t patient enough to wait for both leaders to die.”

“So you killed my husband?!” you argued, “He was my friend, I told you not to touch him!”

“Only in the exchange that you hand him to us,” Kento echoed, jogging your memory until you were kept up to date. “But it’s been five years and what has happened so far? You’re fraternizing with the enemy and even manufacturing drugs for your so-called husband. Now that he’s dead, you’re here in Italy, looking as stunning as ever as you wine and dine with a former lover,” Kento tilted his head to the side to study your appearance – smiling at how you seemed too bright and fashionable for a woman in supposed mourning.

“I hardly believe you’re actually affected by this at all.”

“How dare you! I’ve proven to no end my loyalty of the higher-ups!”

Kento didn’t bat an eye at your outburst. If anything, he stepped closer to your weapon. “Kill me if you wish, Y/N, but know the moment you put a bullet in my head, the Organization will place you on the same pedestal as Naoya’s and Gojo’s. I wouldn’t recommend such methods considering we’re already at unease on whose side you’re really on. If you do this, you will be our enemy.”

“I did everything for the Organization. What else would you want from me?”

“The contract was easy. We want both leaders – whether dead or alive – in our custody. If you don’t hold your side of the deal, it’s not only your life that we’ll take from you,” Kento pulled out a red coin that made your heart sink deep into your stomach for it served as a threat over the consequences of your actions.

He lowered your gun with the coin and smirked at you, his lips right beside the shell of your ear as he purred, “I suggest you be careful with what step of action you take next.”

“Oi, Nanami, you’re here!” Satoru’s voice suddenly boomed in the hallway. Nanami was as unbothered as ever from taking a step away from you, nodding to your gun which you quickly concealed right before Satoru arrived. You were frozen – rendered immobile with the flashing red metal from his palm – that you couldn’t even protest against Satoru wrapping an arm around your shoulders. “I see you’ve met Mrs. Zen’in already.”

“Hmm, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Madam,” taking your hand in his, Kento’s eyes were nothing but eerie as he kissed your knuckles. “Shall we start our discussion?”

SUKI RANTS! Nanami quoted Sydney Joseph Friedberg (an art critic) in one of his dialogues. A little backstory on the painting was that the portrait was originally made by Giorgone, who had a student and also his lover (if I’m not mistaken) called Titian. Giorgone never finished the portrait because he died from the plague but Titiane finished it for him, symbolizing that Y/N still has a mission that connected her from Naoya even after his death and she has to finish something he started. The portrait is of a nude woman that symbolized oneness of nature and that the woman isn’t posed for the gaze of men, but rather they are dreaming, hence the quote: “Venus denotes not the act of love but the recollection of it. The perfect embodiment of Giorgione’s dream, she dreams his dream herself.” Nanami said the painting’s meaning resonated with Y/N’s situation too much since she wasn’t in love with Naoya, but she had a recollection of their moments that still represented their relationship, and that Naoya’s dream (goals) are also shared by Reader. I was gonna ask you guys what your theories are on that scene but I think this makes me sound cooler if I explain it so *lip bite emoji because I’m still broken over Naoya’s death*

taglist open (lmk if you want to be added/removed):

@sixeyesgojo @shingekiyofeels @q-the-rockaholic @whatthefuckisthatthing @rogueofbullshit @kat-su-ki @kellyyween @sebootyforlife @asshxcm @charlie-xo @aoi-turtle @ladywaifuuwrites @savantsoulfinder @my-reality-is-in-my-head @hannya-quinn @90s-belladonna @tinyfrogsinmybrain @kinekyuroo @evesmores @ambiguous-something @lilith412426 @kakashiharusohma @aizawap @yumeneji @dora-the-grownup @jotazinha @themrsgojo @d34r-s4t4n @marai-t @toji-bee @hai-cool @badsadbby @stesphy @peach-buns-unicorns @misslezah @gracefullyfallinglikeanime @iwaplant​ @mikiminaccch​ @riri-marley​ | bolded users cannot be tagged

[fernisworm]

Lycan!Karl Heisenberg x Reader Headcanons (Pt3)

[an;

I haven’t posted in a while so I thought I’d upload this since it’s been sitting in my drafts for a while LMAO

(PSA: I touch on some of these HC’s in previous posts)

some more Lycan!Karl brainrot for the soul amirite 😎😎

-

🎕 You can find Pt 1 here! (& Pt 2 here!)

❀ Characters: Lycan!Karl Heisenberg x (Gender Neutral!) Reader

❀ Warnings: N/A

✿ You can find all my stories here!

✿ My requests guide is here! (And you can place a request here!)

-

🌟 Karl can actually understand the lycans almost perfectly, and funnily enough, they seem to understand basic English too

🌟 “ *assorted lycan growling and barking* “

🌟 “What? No, you aren’t all sleeping in the factory! I don’t care how cold it is outside, fur-for-brains!”

🌟 anyway, they all slept in the factory 

🌟 Karl actually regards most of the lycans in a familial way and likes to take care of them in any small way he can

🌟 He even went as far as to reinforce the Stronghold for them to keep it warmer in the winter 

🌟 While the lycans have names, they aren’t human names

🌟 It’s kind of hard to translate “grrrgrg BARK BARK BARK grgrgrgrg AWOOOO” into English

🌟 So instead Karl has various nicknames for the lycans, such as; fur-face, fur-for-brains, fur-freaks, etc. (Just to highlight the extent of his creativity)

🌟 You actually get along quite well with the lycans 

🌟 Heisenberg is very protective of you, however

🌟 He doesn’t mind you interacting with the lycans but is always sure to keep a watchful eye on the situation

🌟 One time he actually got really jealous because you were giving a lycan more attention than him (which really wasn’t that much more, all things considered)

🌟 The following night he disappeared for a while and you heard loud snarling, barking and the like from outside the factory

🌟 Karl returned later looking rather pleased with himself

🌟 The lycans avoided you for nearly an entire month before you got Karl to confess that he had threatened all of them to stay away from you “or else”

🌟 You made him apologise and scolded him for being worried over such a thing

🌟 He blamed it on his wolf blood (being territorial and overprotective) but you knew better and that he was just a big whiny man-baby

🌟 Tying into my point from before; surprisingly, the lycans prefer the Stronghold over the factory itself and you guessed it had to do with the factory being too overwhelming for them (similarly to how it worked up Karl sometimes)

🌟 But every now and again it might get particularly cold and frosty and the lycans will ask Karl if he can let them into the factory for a while

🌟 Usually he says no, but you always try to convince him otherwise

🌟 “But Karl, it’s so cold outside! Pleeeease can you let them inside??? Just for the night!!! 🥺😢🙏🙏“

🌟 “(Y/n), if I keep caving to every request they ask of me they’re going to think I’m going soft!! I cannot have that, I am a very mean and tough alpha wolf!! >:(”

🌟 “ *you proceed to smooch Karl on the cheek* “

🌟 “...ⁱ ᵐᵉᵃⁿ ⁱ ᵍᵘᵉˢˢ ᵗʰᵉʸ ᶜᵃⁿ ˢᵗᵃʸ ᶠᵒʳ ᵒⁿᵉ ⁿⁱᵍʰᵗ ⁱᵗ'ˢ ʷʰᵃᵗᵉᵛᵉʳ ⁱᵈᶜ”

🌟 It’s fair to say that you’re usually able to convince him to open the factory up to them

🌟 The lycans are often restricted to the lower levels, but they don’t mind since that’s where it’s the warmest anyway

🌟 When they do end up staying in the factory for a bit Karl makes sure to lock away the Soldats and Haulers 

🌟 (mostly to stop the lycans from coming into harm’s way, but also because overall the lycans are probably a better defence system than Karl’s experiments lmao)

🌟 One of the biggest things you’ve had to help Karl work on is his ability to control his own emotions

🌟 Prior to you living in the factory with him he used to be very destructive, transforming on every whim he got without really trying to fight his werewolf blood

🌟 When you first moved in, and you didn’t know anything about Karl’s lycan side, it made things very difficult for him since he was so used to wolfing-out whenever he felt the need to

🌟 His complacency with random transformations actually caused him to wolf-out several times during meetings

🌟 You weren’t present for any of them but when he recalled the memories you could tell they were somewhat embarrassing for him

🌟 He told you that times like those were when Mother Miranda’s true disgust was on full display

🌟 Karl always insisted that he didn’t give a fuck about anything she said, but you knew it still affected him sometimes

🌟 After all, Mother Miranda was the only parental figure that he’d had in his life in a very long time. How could her words not have some affect on him?

🌟 It became a lot easier for Karl after he told you he was part lycan, but prior to that there were some very close calls

🌟 He would disappear randomly, and for varying amounts of time without an explanation

🌟 One time you nearly caught him wolfing out so he had to lock the door and find a way to the bottom levels of the factory so he could sneak out without you seeing him

🌟 Of course all of this was made ten times harder by the fact he was in werewolf form by that point

🌟 Heisenberg decided you had to know about his lycan side when you started blaming yourself for him acting out

🌟 He knew he wasn’t perfect, not in any capacity, but god forbid you blame any of that on yourself

🌟 He was relieved that his confessed seemed to disperse almost all of your worries

🌟 Due to your combined efforts, and some realistic practice on volunteers such as Lady Dimitrescu, Karl has a far better grip on his werewolf transformations

🌟 Even around full moons he finds himself able to calm his emotions and stop himself from wolfing out

🌟 Karl (along with all the other lords) are so very grateful for everything you’ve done to help him

🌟 But Heisenberg insists he’ll kill you if you ever tell a soul that he’s helping Moreau control his own unpredictable transformations

🌟 “Aren’t you just the sweetest big brother omg 🥺🥺“

🌟 “SHUT UP I WILL LITERALLY KILL YOU IF THIS GETS OUT”

🌟 Whenever Karl wolfs-out (or just transforms in general tbh) all his clothes get torn to smithereens, so you have to do your best to persuade Donna to make him some more

🌟 Especially now since he was literally down to his last set of clothes

🌟 But you can imagine she was still quite angry at Heisenberg for literally breaking into her house and gnawing on Angie like a chew-toy

🌟 But since she was the only seamstress in town you had to try an appease her in someway

🌟 It didn’t help that Karl had recently dug up her garden

🌟 Like what the fuck Karl we need Donna to like us you freak-show

🌟 Either way Karl was always running out of clothes, and fast

🌟 He had a small plethora of sewing knowledge, from years of patching up his own clothes, but that wouldn’t nearly be enough to fix the ribbons-worth of material he had left

🌟 Anyway you made Karl apologise to Donna and (especially) Angie 

🌟 “I’m... sorry.”

🌟 “For...?”

🌟 “For being way too epic for you losers to handle hehehe 😎😎”

🌟 You slapped him behind the head and made him apologise again- properly this time

🌟 Donna (begrudgingly) decided to help out and make Karl some new clothes

🌟 Despite being an absolute menace, he was still her brother

[jimlingss]

I love you. I love your work. That's it. I'm binge reading your fics. But I really had this dream that taehyung was trying to seduce me at work and I refused to give in because I'm professional. I went home and cried for rejecting him. Please write a fic about this for me. Why do I never get the guy even my dreams 😭 I'm a loser.

LMAO this is hilarious. I actually had a dream similarly like this too. I’ve always wanted to go to a fortune teller but the me in my dream was also a cheapskate and ended up not going ahahhaa so I feel you, anon. Hopefully this drabble can grant your dreams.

↳ The Office Trip to Pound Town

2.5k || 70% Smut, 30% Fluff || Kim Taehyung

You’re neck deep in work.

Your hands flurry across the keyboard before you’re saving the document and grabbing your pen to look over the Jeon’s contract that needs to be prepared by tomorrow. There’s barely a moment to breathe, much less look up when there’s a quiet knock at the door and it opens.

“Go ahead with lunch, Wendy. I’ll eat after I finish this.”

“She already left,” a deeper, huskier voice says and your eyes finally flicker up.

Taehyung enters, shutting the door behind him. He’s without his blazer, simply in a white dress shirt tucked into his slacks that you remember you picked out for him a few months ago. His blonde hair is styled so half of it is pushed back to reveal his arched brow and the other half falls in front of his forehead to frame his face. It should be illegal to look this good, but you’re not complaining. It’s always nice to have eye candy around the office. It cures your fatigue. 

You smile at him, putting your pen down. “What are you doing here?”

“Thought I’d visit. We’re supposed to be on our lunch break, you know. But of course, you’re always hard at work.”

“How else are the bills going to be paid? Unlike someone, I can’t just dilly-dally.”

Taehyung grins and comes behind you. You learn forward in your office chair, already knowing what he’s about to do. And the moment, Taehyung’s hands lay on your shoulders, a sigh escapes your parted lips. His thumbs dig into a particularly sore muscle, but he massages it out within seconds. You hate how easy it is to melt into his touch. 

“Hey, I work hard too.”

You hum. “Not hard enough. I’m coming for your job, Kim. I’m going to get promoted to director of the department and you’ll get demoted to just being the manager.”

Taehyung scoffs. “I’d like to see you try, Mrs. Kim.” 

He digs harder into another sore spot and you jolt with a pained moan. You pull away from him and turn your head around. “Was there something you wanted to talk about?”

Suddenly, he licks his lips and your eyes flicker to the movement. Taehyung’s voice drops an octave — it’s never good when that happens since he knows what that does to you. “Do you know what today is?”

Your eyes are rounded. You quickly scour your mind, but come up empty. “What is it?”

He sighs and starts to roll up his sleeves to his elbows, showing all forearms and the popped veins spiraling up his arms. “I’m disappointed,” Taehyung says in a husky tone. “But then again, I’ve always been the one to pay attention to the details. It’s the first day of your fertile window.”

“Oh. Okay.”

The two of you stare at one another. 

He stares at you. You stare at him.

“No. Taehyung, no.”

His mouth starts to twitch and it slowly quirks into a smile. “Come on.”

“It’s unprofessional!”

God fucking dammit. He’s giving you bedroom eyes. And it hits you that the top button of his dress shirt is popped open. Oh god. He came in here just to seduce you, didn’t he?!

“Don’t you want this baby?”

“Yeah, but last time I checked, we have a perfectly good bed at home. King size actually, thanks to someone’s instance.”

“I’m working a late night tonight.” Taehyung comes closer, crowding you with his larger frame and you move back until the office chair can’t even wobble and your side is trapped at your desk. “We can’t waste any more time.”

“Taehyung,” you say his name in a scolding voice, but it’s already weakening by the second. He knows it too.

“You’re not going to make me beg for you, right?” he asks, caging you in with his arms. One of his hands curls around the chair’s armrest and the other is gripping the edge of your desk. “Unless you want me to.” 

You swallow hard, resolve crumbling. It’s not like you don’t want to….

You look over his shoulder towards the door that’s shut and the blinds that have long been pulled since your online conference a few hours prior. A beat later, your attention is directed to him and his sly smirk. 

Taehyung whispers, “Please?”

With a sigh, you close the distance and you feel Taehyung’s massive grin as he kisses you. He leans down as your mouths are still connected and you fall back into the office chair. Taehyung looms over your frame and he tilts his head, deepening the kiss. 

His hot tongue licks into your mouth, eager and impatient. At the same time, his hands cup your jaw and he coaxes a whimper from you that’s muffled at his lips. 

You’re supposed to be the strict, no-nonsense manager on this floor overseeing the rest. It’s pathetic that you can be reduced to a school girl by your husband. Taehyung loves it and truthfully, you don’t mind so much, but if anyone else knew, they’d be shocked.

The pair of you pull away to gasp for breath. The strand of saliva between your mouths break. Your lips are swollen while his are stained with your red lipstick. 

“This is so unprofessional,” you whisper to him between pants.

Taehyung smiles sweetly, forehead pressed against yours. “A lot of people already left for their lunch break.”

“That doesn’t mean there aren't people on this floor and right outside the door.”

“That’s what makes it fun.”

“It won’t be fun if we lose our jobs.”

“Not if we get this done quickly.” He steps back and starts pulling at his belt. It clicks, unbuckling with ease and your core starts to heat in anticipation for what’s to come. Taehyung doesn’t miss the way you rub your thighs together. He smirks and then gestures to you. “As your superior, I command you to bend over.”

You scoff, but turn around anyhow to lean your front onto the desk. You wince when the papers underneath your hands start to crinkle, but it’s much too late to move them when he roughly shoves up your skirt.

“I could report you to HR for that,” you quip.

“You’d never,” he retorts with a thick voice.

He doesn’t move for a few seconds. You wonder why he hasn’t done anything, if there’s something wrong, but then it occurs to you what he’s eyeing your ass in. “Taehyung. I swear to god—”

The sound of ripping follows. 

The bastard’s torn into your black, sheer stockings.

You curse and turn your head around to glare right as he tears down your underwear. “It’s fine. No one will notice. Faster this way.” You suspect he just wants to fuck you while you’re still in stockings, bent over your own desk, but you don’t call him out on it. “I’ll buy you a new one.”

“Easy for you to say—” You yelp when your left heel is suddenly lifted off the floor. He props your bent leg on the desk and plops down into your leather office chair as if he owns it.

Before anything else can be said, Taehyung dives straight between your plump ass cheeks. He holds your hips in place, fingertips sunk into your skin as his tongue laps at your hole and he moves his face from side to side. A gasp breaks from your vocal cords and you bring one arm back to grab his hair.

“T-There’s no time, Taehyung.”

“It’s fine,” he murmurs, moving to suck a bruise into your right ass-cheek. Taehyung really gives another definition to kissing someone’s ass but rather than feeling like the superior one, you’re keening into him, crumbling at his touch. It’s turning you on how much this is turning him on, with the way he groans into your skin like he’s fully enjoying this, how he’s eager and happy to be on the giving end. 

Unintentionally, you push his face closer into your ass and his slender fingers begin to gently caress your slit. Your mouth seals to suppress another moan when his warm tongue licks at your hole again. You can feel the heat of his warm breath against your cunt, so close yet still so far. 

A minute later, he comes out panting. “Damn. This is better than any lunch.”

You roll your eyes. “It’s going to be your fault if you don’t get to finish.”

“Relax,” he sing-songs and you can practically hear his grin. “We’ll get there.”

Without much warning, Taehyung plunges his two fingers into your already wet cunt. You keen, failing to silence your whine and your back arches. You don’t see his smirk, how he’s fully enjoying the view while sitting back in the chair. He simply starts pumping his index and middle finger in and out of your heat. Taehyung stretches you out, curling his fingers at a particular spot that has you gripping the edge of your desk until your knuckles have turned white. You try your best not to make a sound, but it’s almost like he’s trying his best to get you to break and be noisy.

“Fuck,” he moans. “You’re leaking all over my pants.”

Even when he’s behind you, you can feel his intense gaze that’s watching you closely.

It feels degrading to be bent over your own desk like this. You’re practically dancing in the palm of Taehyung’s hand, giving into his every whim without being able to control yourself. But at the same time, all of this, the thought of him claiming your spot and taking you right here was turning you on. You don’t want to admit that you’re enjoying this as much as he is.

“T-Taehyung,” you gasp, cheek pressed to your paperwork. 

He chuckles lowly. “Alright, alright.”

He pulls his two fingers out of your sopping cunt and sucks on them till they're clean. Then Taehyung stands and lowers his pants just enough to remove his hard cock from his boxers. He pumps it twice and positions the red, leaking head to your swollen entrance.

You’re about to ask him what’s taking so long, but you choke on your words when he enters you with a single push of his hips. Your cunt stretches to accommodate Taehyung’s big cock that’s practically nudging at the entrance of your cervix. Your fingernails curl into the edge of your desk while you fail to stifle the whine that comes out, even when your teeth have sunk into the bottom of your lip.

“S-Sorry,” he groans. “Couldn’t help it. Don’t want to run out of time. Already at twelve forty.”

You turn your head around. “What?!” 

But there’s no opportunity to react more. Not when Taehyung grabs your hips, eagerly fucking into you. Like a man on a mission, like he’s making sure he’ll get you pregnant no matter what. He withdraws his cock and then plunges as deep as he can inside your tight cunt, his hips slamming against your ass. Taehyung bends your leg to get at an even deeper angle and you turn back around, trying your best to keep in your moans and quiet the whines of his name. 

The urgency of time presses on your minds, but it also fades with the onslaught of pleasure. All the papers underneath you are sure to be crumpled beyond belief, but you can’t find it in yourself to care. 

The pens and pencils fall over to the carpet. Your eyes sting. He’s filling you up so well.

“F-Fuck, this is so hot,” Taehyung groans, watching his cock disappear inside of you with each rapid jut of his hips. How you’re trying to still hold yourself together. The way your stockings have been torn and his underwear and yours are barely pushed away. “You’re so hot.”

“Hurry, Tae!”

He hums and you start to squeeze around him. Taehyung’s hips sputter. His pace falters before quickening urgently and impatiently. “W-Wait, wait.”

Taehyung licks his thumb and finds your clit with ease. You gasp as he rubs circles on the swollen bit and your toes curl. “Tae, Tae—” You’re afraid you’re being too loud, but the concern is overridden when you cum. There’s white flashing beneath your eyelids, a wash of pleasure that renders your knees weak.

Taehyung follows a few seconds later. He plunges in as deep as he can go with brute force and a pitched cry leaves your throat, making him slap his hand over your mouth to keep quiet. 

The picture frame of you and Taehyung in Malta on your honeymoon is knocked off. 

And then cum paints your velvet, warm walls. It fills your cunt, leaking past his cock. Taehyung pants on top of you and thrusts twice more in spite of your oversensitivity and his own. He holds you still for an intimate moment as you both catch your breaths. Then, he withdraws.

You shakingly get up as he tucks himself back in, buckling his belt again after he snags it off the ground. You try to fix the mess of your hair and he grins, cheeks flushed. Taehyung comes close and his thumb lifts to wipe the smudged mascara at the corner of your eye.

He can’t hold in his smile and giddily hugs you. His face affectionately nuzzles into your hair while you wonder if he knows that his cum is still leaking out of you and dripping down your thigh. 

Sometimes the duality of Taehyung is jarring. You wonder how this can be the same man who just bent you over your own desk and pounded into you until there were tears in your eyes. But you suppose that’s what makes him so charming and why you married him. One second, he’s throwing you over his shoulder and spanking you till you call him daddy and the next, he’s pouting and begging you to call his dad for him because he just stubbed his toe against the door and it hurts and he needs advice on what to do.

“Sorry about the ripped stockings.”

“Uh-huh. You better buy me new ones.”

“I will.”

The pair of you pull apart and he pulls a tissue for you to wipe yourself with as you sit down and peel off the stockings once and for all to throw into the trash. If someone asks, you’ll tell them it ripped on its own.

“Well, at least that was fun, right?” Taehyung smiles as you put yourself back together.

You eye him. “What time?”

“Pardon?”

“What time are you done with the meeting?”

Taehyung blinks, not sure where you’re going with this. “Probably at eight.”

“I’ll be at your office at eight ten then,” you state plainly. “It’s only fair. I can’t be the only one having my office destroyed.”

Slowly but surely, an enormous grin spreads into his face. Taehyung leans in to kiss your cheek. “It’s a promise then.”

[0gasstationcoffee]

LWA rewatch episode 13

·      Oh here we go!!!

·      Truly like what the hell is this festival

·      I love that the message Akko got from watching Chariot’s memories last episode was if you’re going to do something, don’t do it for the fame and attention. Do it because it can spread joy.

·      It’s a very pure thing. Both Chariot and Akko just want to make others happy through magic.

·      And it leads to devastating events, which is just awful

·      And I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: seeing those Chariot flashbacks reminds me of just how far Chariot has come. From having difficulties with spells and in school to being apparently damn amazing at every spell she does now?

·      Sucy being so excited to be eaten is just great

·      Lotte: “I know you only have the best intentions but we just can’t always be going along with you on a whim, okay?” I totally get where Lotte and Sucy are coming from but it still makes me sad

·      Akko just wants everyone to love magic like she does and the first person she’s going to make laugh with magic is Varajois, the eternally sad spirit. That girl is ambitious and precious

·      Oh no it’s the last time we get these opening credits! I really liked them

·      I love that Ursula and Akko just have tea together. Nice family bonding time

·      ALCOR IS FUCKING KILLING ME. AKKO SAID THE NAME CHARIOT AND THE LOOK HE GAVE TOWARDS THEM WAS SO DONE

·      Does Akko just not even question why Ursula has a poster of the words of Arcturus?????? And how she constantly brings it up none to subtly?

·      “If anyone can do it, it’s you!” MY HEART URSULA IS SO SUPPORTIVE OF AKKO AND HER PLANS. EVEN WHEN SHE FINDS THEM NUTS LIKE COVERING FOR AKKO AFTER SHE FLUSHED PROFESSOR PISCES DOWN THE DRAIN

·      “Can I stop in if I need more guidance?” SHE’S YOUR GUIDANCE COUNSELOR AKKO LMAO

·      “Of course, stop by any time!” CUTE but also Akko you already have!!! You went to her tower at 11:30 at night the other day lmao

·      Ursula agreeing to look up more about Varajois (not sure what that spelling is) for Akko is too cute but she also looks genuinely curious

·      H&B have the fucking audacity to corner Akko about her prank on them??? They deserved way worse than Akko just drawing on their faces

·      AKKO YOU DON’T HAVE TO APOLOGIZE TO THEM THEY SUCK

·      Oh no they’re going to say horrible things to Akko like normal but Sucy and Lotte are going to hear it from out in the hallway

·      “Sucy the creep, Akko the idiot, Lotte the paperweight” I REALLY DO NOT LIKE THESE TWO AT ALL

·      Akko uses almost all of her free time to practice magic, god it hurts poor thing it’s not your fault

·      Lotte watching Akko sleeping in class and sleep talking the spell, realizing how hard Akko is trying OUCH

·      Ursula actually researching in the library with a bunch of books :’)

·      I’m not sure what a vestige is or why Luna Nova is keeping it in their library but this school is like a Hogwarts of mysteries

·      Lotte: “It’s been three weeks, she’s really working hard.” Sucy: “Three weeks and three days actually, and nothing to show for it.” Okay so first thing, I never realized before that this episode takes place during a whole month wow. ALSO not only Lotte but SUCY is keeping track of how long Akko is practicing for

·      On a sadder note, I can’t imagine how frustrated and upset Akko must be for not making any progress when she’s trying so HARD. It’s not her fault at all but she doesn’t know that and honestly it actually hurts me thinking about it. It was such a cruel thing that Croix did, even if Croix didn’t think the audience would want to be witches anyways because they were clearly wrong and look what it’s doing to this poor soul

·      And yes a part of me does wish Ursula would have told Akko the truth so Akko knows her difficulties aren’t her own fault but my anger isn’t really with Ursula because she was used too and was horrified when she found out what Croix had done. Her guilt meter was off the chart even if she had no way of knowing what would happen during her show

·      Lotte admiring Akko’s determination and how she never stops trying :’)

·      Side note I’m laughing because I’m imagining Ursula just being in Akko’s room and seeing her face on all these posters everywhere and just saying “hmmm hey why don’t we practice in my room” lmao

·      Akko’s TRICK OR TREAT PLAN I LOVE MY DAUGHTER

·      Guys

·      Guys I’m genuinely tearing up

·      Akko failing the spell once again and saying in such a sad voice “I just can’t seem to do it” I don’t know if this is affecting me so much because I know what it’s like to try and try and try and just failing no matter what but it really gets me

·      Lotte and Sucy coming through!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

·      GO RED TEAM

·      Lmao Ursula’s still looking for the vestige and there are a thousand places it could be. Her tone is genuinely just “fuck me”

·      I JUST GOT SO EXCITED AT POSSIBLY SEEING HOW TO PROPERLY SPELL FINNERAN’S NAME THAT I SPILLED MY BEER ON THE CARPET

·      DAMMIT

·      Well couldn’t even see the name so that was a waste

·      But apparently it’s Holbrook so it’s not a total loss

·      There’s the silhouette of Chariot as the Moonlit Witch again. I just love that Holbrook did that

·      And I will say, that’s also probably very special to Diana. To be the Moonlit Witch like Chariot was

·      Ursula freaking out about not getting to the festival in time DON’T WORRY BABE YOU GOT THIS

·      No wonder people think magic is uninteresting, this festival is boring AF

·      OH LMAO THE GUEST JUDGES ARE SAYING THE SAME THING LOL

·      Wait why are they blaming it on Holbrook becoming Headmistress? Mind ya business judges

·      The girl who got eaten by the flower they summoned lmao

·      Also Amanda!!! Just coming in like “The moment you’ve all been waiting for, the cleaning crew!” I adore the red team to pieces but the green team is just too fun sometimes

·      “Akko’s practicing until the last second probably” It’s moments like these that really show Sucy does care about her friends and knows them more than she lets on

·      YEAHHHHH LOTTE!!!!!!!!! DEFEND OUR GIRL FROM THE BLUE TEAM!

·      At least when Diana does make disparaging remarks it’s because she thinks it’s necessary. She doesn’t do it for fun LIKE HER RUDE AF TEAMMATES

·      And baby girl is practicing up until the last second!!

·      Yeah Diana is an impressive witch. She really is, that summoning magic was pretty

·      Wangari is so funny

·      Ha, Diana being surprised that Akko did show up and didn’t abandon her friends. OUR GIRL WOULD NEVER

·      Akko is a great performer I love that so much

·      Finneran and Badcock are like oh hell no and Holbrook just holds them down like stfu good job Holbrook

·      It’s like she knows she’s going to see another performance like Chariot put on years before

·      MY GIRL DID IT, SHE TRANSFORMED INTO A MOUSE PERFECTLY

·      Holbrook saying “adorable” at Akko’s flying elephant!!!!

·      The Red Team helping each other out MY HEART

·      The audience and HOLBROOK LAUGHING I love it

·      Akko rapid transforming into different animals, just like Chariot did

·      THE GREEN TEAM CHEERING HER ON IT’S SO CUTE

·      Diana watching in disbelief

·      Oof good save from Lotte and Sucy when Akko fell off that mushroom

·      Love that Akko is actually concerned that Varajois isn’t laughing. She can tell something is wrong

·      URSULA IS SO CUTE OMG

·      SHE SINGS “I FINALLY FOUND IT” when she gets the vestige

·      I LOVE MY WIFE

·      Oh that curse is dark. Vajarois did it to herself. She swallowed the seed of grief to make sure she would never forget her friends

·      Ouch

·      Alcor is fucking fast HOLY SHIT Ursula just whistled for his help and he already gathered the Shiny Rod and flew up to where the red team was falling

·      Speaking of, Vajarois must have blasted them up into the stratosphere given how long Ursula and Akko’s conversation was while falling lol

·      Also what a cool trick, being able to speak through your familiar

·      Ursula always coming through, that’s my wife

·      Ursula: Find the curse inside Varajois! The red team: Goes inside Varajois. Ursula: Shocked Pikachu face

·      Diana also looking at them being eaten like “this can’t be it”

·      Sucy is so happy to be inside Varajois lmfao

·      Red Team power pose!!!

·      Akko remembering what spell to use on the seed of grief even though Ursula only said it one time. This girl will remember anything if it’s Chariot related.

·      Akko is so pure

·      THIS IS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL LESSON I AM SO PISSED SHE DIDN’T GET MOONLIT WITCH

·      Ursula you smug little shit, just flying up to the teachers “It seems the sacrificial ceremony will no longer be needed” I love her so much

·      URSULA IS SO PROUD OF HER DAUGHTER

·      Even Diana knows it’s BS Akko didn’t get Moonlit Witch

·      Lmao Wangari “now Akko’s the one who can’t stop crying” fucking roasted

·      LMAO Diana thinking about Akko “It’s so strange. What is this I’m feeling” : DDDDDD

·      Akko hugging Lotte and Sucy and thanking them over and over, I’m crying too

·      Oh fuck! Ursula is proudly watching the red team and then we see those cubes from Croix behind her

·      It’s happening. Shit’s about to happen

·      I am excited

[chillyravenart]

Thoughts on Seara Targaryen?

I've mentioned this briefly here but let me add a few more of my thoughts.

I feel like Saera is treated like some faultless feminist icon in the fandom (how surprising lmao) but let's be absolutely real here: she was a spoilt, headstrong princess who was never going to cave into societal/parental pressure. I’m personally not a fan at all but I want to list a few things about her personality and upbringing that may be of some use in understanding her better. Forgive my rambling in advance!

Princess Saera, three years younger, was a trial from the very start; tempestuous, demanding, disobedient. The first word she spoke was no, and she said it often and loudly. She refused to be weaned until past the age of four. Even as she ran about the castle, talking more than her siblings Vaegon and Daella combined, she wanted her mother’s milk, and raged and screamed whenever the queen dismissed another wetnurse. “Seven save us,” Alysanne whispered to the king one night, “when I look at her I see Aerea.” 

Not to forget, George loves hitting characters where it hurts and that's through their children. And George went in particularly hard with Jaehaerys and Alysanne's children. I absolutely adore the older bunch, Aemon, Baelon, Alyssa... but the younger bunch didn’t exactly speak to me the same way. I suppose with so many children, it was natural to have a few bad eggs, and Saera was one of them. Jaehaerys spoilt her as child and she grew up to be very bright but also had a cruel streak too. 

... and long before she was half-grown, Saera had learned the art of getting anything she wanted from her father: a kitten, a hound, a pony, a hawk, a horse (Jaehaerys did draw a firm line at the elephant). Queen Alysanne was far less gullible, however, and Septon Barth tells us that Saera’s sisters all misliked her to various degrees.

The border between innocent pranks, wanton mischief, and acts of malice is not always discerned by one so young, but there can be no doubt that the princess crossed it freely.

Septon Barth also commented on Saera’s disposition, and her hunger for the attention her older siblings received:

“She is the king’s daughter, and well aware of it. Servants see to her every need, though not always as quickly as she might like... If she were the king’s firstborn, or better still his only child, she would be well content. Instead she finds herself the ninthborn, with six living siblings who are older than her and even more adored.”

Saera pranked her sister Daella with cats and bees, dyed the KG cloaks pink, and would show up drunk to the sept for prayers. And since Saera had every whim granted to her, it's natural that she would want more from the world and succeeded in carving out her own kingdom across the Narrow Sea. I definitely don't think she would have been content with living a normal life in Westeros, married to some lord and running his house.

“She wants what she wants and she wants it now,” Grand Maester Elysar wrote of the princess in 69 AC, when she was only two. “Seven save us all when she is older. The Dragonkeepers had best lock up the dragons.” He had no notion how prophetic those words would be.

At fourteen, she told the king she meant to marry the Prince of Dorne, or perhaps the King Beyond the Wall, so she could be a queen “like Mother.”

By fifteen, Saera had other ideas however.

Why dream of distant monarchs when she could have as many squires, knights, and likely lords as she desired? Dozens danced attendance on her, but three soon emerged as favorites. Jonah Mooton was the heir to Maidenpool, Red Roy Connington was the fifteen-year-old Lord of Griffin’s Roost, and Braxton Beesbury, called Stinger, was a nineteen-year-old knight, the finest lance in the Reach...

And initially it was Queen Alysanne who voiced her dismay regarding Saera’s behaviour with her newly acquired suitors. “Saera is clever, but not wise” and she also criticised her choice of female companions as well as Beesbury/Stinger who was rumoured to have sired a bastard. However Jaehaerys brushed it off unconcerned that she would get up to any mischief at court with so many watching eyes. Unfortunately, he was wrong.

Then came the incident at the Blue Pearl with Tom Turnip, and her three favourite lordlings (including Stinger who later fought Jaehaerys in his trial by combat) which made matters worse. I highly doubt any other noble lord would have been ok with his daughter cavorting with household knights in a brothel- least of all a KING. When questioned about her actions, Saera really didn’t do herself any favours:

I could marry all three of them, why not? Why should I have just one husband? The Conqueror had two wives, and Maegor had six or eight.” She had gone too far. Jaehaerys rose to his feet and descended from the Iron Throne, his face a mask of rage. “You would compare yourself to Maegor? Is that who you aspire to be?”

After the horrors Jaehaerys and his siblings had endured under Maegor, it’s no wonder he was so shaken by her blase attitude. And again, Alysanne was able to soften his anger and reconcile him to forgive Saera, but she ran away that very night and tried to steal a dragon which sealed her fate.

Alysanne wept when she heard, for she knew her cause was hopeless. Jaehaerys was hard as stone. “Saera with a dragon,” was all he had to say. “Would she have taken Balerion as well, I wonder?”

One of my favourite aspects of this whole saga was Jaehaerys fighting Stinger for her honour, "This old man," just takes me out every single time. Forty-nine year old Jae, taking out nineteen year old Beesbury just reminds me too much of Daemon vs Aemond - WHY ARE FORTY-NINE YEAR OLD TARG MEN SO BADASS?

I also understand that Saera was a plot device to add filial conflict to Jaehaerys’ reign, after all a successful king doesn’t always make a successful father. Jaehaerys was the quintessential medieval monarch with a kingdom to run and keep in order after a very volatile period and Saera was a royal princess and expected to uphold those standards. As Grand Maester Elysar put it, “He was better with roads than with daughters.” I think Jaehaerys had his flaws for sure, but again, this is asoiaf and I really don’t understand how people expect paternal relationships to be as open and affectionate as they are today- seriously look at how fatherhood has evolved in the last fifty years alone and tell me a medieval king would have been braiding his daughter’s hair and having heart-to-hearts with her. He could have done more to understand her, but then we wouldn’t have this embittered storyline and everything would be hunky-dory. That’s not how GRRM works unfortunately.

I am certain Jaehaerys had loved her as a daughter, and her actions had caused him pain which had hardened his heart at the time. But it is also apparent later on that Jaehaerys was hit hard by this event and also mistook Alic*nt for Saera on his sickbed. I also feel heartbroken for Alysanne who lost so many of her children and felt Saera's loss very acutely too. She also became withdrawn and was clearly shaken by all the losses she had endured.

The years had taken their toll on him, and those who knew him well said that he was never the same after his daughter Saera had disgraced and then abandoned him. He had grown thinner, almost gaunt, and there was more grey than gold in his beard now, and in his hair.

The Old King sometimes mistook her for one of his daughters, calling her by their names; near the end, he grew certain she was his daughter Saera, returned to him from beyond the narrow sea.

Anyway I am glad Saera got to set up her own empire and lifestyle (Hot Girl Saera ™), she is arguably the first Targaryen entrepreneur of sorts too. She is most certainly not the feminist kween this fandom treats her as IMO, raise ya standards! Ultimately I wouldn't say I'm a fan mainly because her character didn’t appeal to me, particularly when I read Fire and Blood. Besides, Saera’s domain lies outside my circle of interest and I'm more concerned with what happens to subsequent characters in Westeros.

Hope that answered your question!

[ftaramintas]

            hi  friends  !  i’m  koa  and  every  time  you  see  miss  jennie  kim  on  your  dash  ,  then  you’ll  be  greeted  with  the  strong  presence  that  is  araminta  park  !  you  are  absolutely  correct  if  you  know  i  got  her  name  from  the  beautiful  araminta  lee  from  crazy  rich  asians  ,  and  that’s  that  on  that  .  

            i  use  emojis  way  too  much  in  conversations  ,  specifically  my  favorites  exhibit  a.  🥺  ,  b.  🥴  ,  c.  🤠  ,  and  d.  🤪  .  i  talk  too  much  sometimes  and  i  don’t  find  that  to  be  a  bad  thing  ,  but  right  now  i’m  listening  to  itzy’s  new  album  on  loop  ,  so  make  sure  you’re  streaming  wannabe  or  we’re  gonna  fight  !  i’m  just  kidding  ,  but  without  further  ado  ,  here’s  everything  you  need  to  know  about  araminta  !

statistics  .

FULL  NAME  :  araminta  josephine  park  .

NICKNAME(S)  :  ari  ,  minta  ,  and  minnie  (  by  her  parents  only  )  .

BIRTHDATE  /  AGE  :  july  25th  ,  1997  /  23  .

ZODIAC  :  leo  .

HOMETOWN  :  manhattan  ,  new  york  .

GENDER  :  cis  female  .

NATIONALITY  :  korean - american  .

ETHNICITY  :  korean  .

HEIGHT  :  5′4″  .

LABEL(S)  :  the  queen  bee  ,  the  studious  ,  and  the  opulent  .

ROMANTIC  ORIENTATION  :  biromantic  .

SEXUAL  ORIENTATION  :  bisexual  .

OCCUPATION  :  architecture  student  at  steinhardt  university  .

HOUSING  :  perry  hall  .

LANGUAGES  SPOKEN  :  korean  ,  english  ,  french  ,  and  learning  portuguese  .

POSITIVES  :  bewitching  ,  regiment  ,  decorous  ,  methodical  ,  and  distinguished  .

NEGATIVES  :  unvarnished  ,  zealous  ,  cavalier  ,  hard - hearted  ,  and  priggish  .

background  .

            araminta’s  story  begins  with  the  fateful  meeting  of  her  parents  ,  kim  seo - yeon  and  park  dong - wook  ,  on  a  cold  winter’s  day  .  they  found  themselves  at  the  tender  ages  of  20  and  22  ,  attending  a  boring  christmas  gala  with  their  parents  when  they  would  have  preferred  to  do  anything  else  in  the  world  .  seo - yeon  was  a  women  who  knew  what  she  wanted  the  moment  her  eyes  landed  upon  it  ,  so  when  she  made  brief  eye  contact  with  dong - wook  ,  she  purposefully  spilled  a  glass  of  champagne  onto  his  expensive  tom  ford  suit  and  made  a  big  deal  of  it  .  this  sparked  their  whirlwind  romance  ,  and  six  months  later  they  found  themselves  announcing  their  engagement  to  korean  media  outlets  .

            despite  how  quickly�� they  were  engaged  ,  their  parents  saw  this  as  mutually  beneficial  .  seo - yeon  is  the  youngest  daughter  of  the  wealthy  kim  family  ,  owners  of  the  kq  group  conglomerate  that  was  worth  billions  in  its  own  right  .  dong - wook  was  the  only  child  of  his  parents  ,  and  came  from  park  family  lineage  where  their  hotels  and  resorts  were  the  cause  of  their  fortune  .  the  families  were  soon  to  be  one  ,  and  the  couple  was  the  chaebol  heirs  that  others  envied  .  following  their  lavish  wedding  ,  seo - yeon  and  dong - wook  decided  that  they  were  going  to  head  off  to  manhattan  to  make  a  life  for  themselves  .  so  ,  they  transferred  to  columbia  university  ,  finished  their  schooling  ,  and  shortly  after  seo - yeon’s  graduation  from  the  financial  economics  program  ,  the  couple  discovered  that  they  were  expecting  .

           it  was  a  sticky  summer  day  when  seo - yeon  unexpectedly  gave  birth  to  their  daughter  ,  who  decided  not  to  allow  her  parents  time  to  get  to  the  hospital  .  araminta  was  born  in  the  bathtub  of  her  parents’  luxury  bathroom  ,  and  right  into  the  arms  of  her  slightly  panicked  but  overjoyed  father  .  from  the  time  that  she  was  a  toddler  ,  araminta  was  a  very  precocious  child  ,  picking  up  on  skills  quite  quickly  and  speaking  in  few  short  sentences  by  the  time  she  was  eleven  months  old  .  as  she  grew  older  ,  araminta’s  parents  remained  hands  on  despite  their  busy  schedules  ,  and  decided  that  they  would  see  what  their  daughter  would  have  the  most  interest  in  .  when  she  was  four  ,  her  parents  began  piano  lessons  ,  and  it  was  evident  that  she  had  a  natural  gift  for  the  instrument  .

           years  continued  to  pass  ,  and  araminta  was  always  a  top  student  in  both  academics  and  her  extracurriculars  .  as  she  attended  the  very  best  schools  in  new  york  city  ,  araminta  was  usually  the  first  to  answer  questions  ,  the  first  to  sign  up  ,  and  the  first  to  complete  her  tests  .  she  was  the  recipient  of  various  awards  throughout  the  years  ,  whether  it  be  honor  roll  or  due  to  her  participation  in  various  student  organizations  .  by  the  time  she  reaches  high  school  ,  araminta  is  on  the  fast  track  to  attending  the  college  of  her  choice  .  this  is  also  the  time  where  she  discovers  her  love  for  both  dance  and  volleyball  .  honestly  ,  she  tried  out  for  the  dance  team  at  her  high  school  on  a  whim  ,  and  immediately  fell  in  love  with  it  .  volleyball  is  her  main  love  ,  and  she  keeps  up  with  dance  because  she  gets  to  have  fun  and  it  helps  to  keep  her  in  shape  .

           araminta  was  accepted  into  steinhardt  university  during  her  junior  year  because  she  was  absolutely  the  girl  who  took  her  sat  during  sophomore  year  because  she  wanted  to  get  it  out  of  the  way  !  so  ,  she  went  through  her  last  two  years  of  high  school  not  stressing  over  college  (  and  honestly  i  think  about  that  scene  from  mean  girls  where  everyone’s  freaking  out  because  of  the  burn  book  and  regina  is  just  standing  there  JNFDFHD  )  .  during  the  first  semester  of  college  at  steinhardt  ,  though  ,  araminta  was  dealt  a  heavy  blow  when  she  discovered  that  her  parents  were  separating  .

            they  weren’t  arguing  a  lot  or  anything  ,  but  they  simply  didn’t  want  to  be  married  anymore  /  the  relationship  lost  its  spark  ,  so  they  figured  it’d  be  best  to  end  their  relationship  .  during  that  time  ,  it  was  really  hard  for  araminta  to  understand  because  she  didn’t  want  her  family  to  be  broken  ,  but  as  the  years  passed  ,  she  began  to  understand  why  they  decided  to  end  their  relationship  .  at  steinhardt  ,  araminta  is  an  architecture  major  and  it’s  entirely  due  to  the  fact  that  she  wants  to  someday  take  over  her  father’s  position  as  ceo  of  the  hotel  /  resort  company  that  his  family  owns  .  she’s  the  captain  of  the  dance  team  and  the  right  side  hitter  on  the  volleyball  team  !

headcanons  .

definitely  plans  on  going  to  graduate  school  once  she’s  graduated  ,  and  more  than  likely  will  get  a  degree  in  business  !

as  mentioned  ,  she  currently  resides  in  perry  hall  .  when  it  comes  to  the  decor  of  her  room  ,  i’d  say  it’s  pretty  minimal  with  muted  tones  ,  but  there’s  definitely  some  soft  pinks  scattered  about  !  really  likes  having  gold  as  an  accent  color  (  cannot  stand  the  marble  trend  )  and  everything  has  a  place  !

she  never  leaves  her  dorm  without  making  the  bed  or  putting  away  dishes  from  breakfast  /  lunch  .  it’s  mostly  because  she  usually  gets  back  home  really  late  so  the  last  thing  she  wants  to  do  is  have  to  clean  before  bed  .

studies  a  lot  ,  studies  late  ,  and  studies  hard  .  if  she  were  to  have  a  studygram  (  yes  ,  that’s  absolutely  a  thing  )  it  would  be  the  most  aesthetically  pleasing  instagram  on  the  planet  .  probably  only  uses  these  heavy  gold  pens  modeled  after  the  ones  her  father  uses  with  her  name  engraved  on  it  .

araminta  is  full  on  the  girl  who  does  not  show  up  to  class  in  sweatpants  and  a  hoodie  .  i  draw  a  lot  of  her  style  inspiration  from  itsyuyan  on  instagram  and  jennie’s  own  style  .  the  only  time  she’ll  ever  be  casual  is  during  those  trips  to  the  library  or  when  she’s  lounging  at  home  ,  and  even  then  she’s  probably  wearing  jeans  and  a  tee /  sweater  or  a  coordinated  pajama  set  .

i  know  jennie  has  since  cut  her  hair  ,  but  araminta’s  hair  is  long  !  specifically  ,  her  hair  is  waist  length  .  she  drives  a  white  mercedes  glc  where  she’s  usually  taking  selfies  lmao  but  her  parents  got  her  that  car  because  it’s  #safe  and  honestly  she  barely  even  drives  the  thing  unless  she’s  going  grocery  shopping  or  making  the  trip  back  home  .

personality  .

oh  boys  ,  where  do  i  even  begin  with  this  brat  !

to  quote  that  tik  tok  song  :  i’m  a  bitch  ,  i’m  a  boss  .  araminta  works  very  hard  despite  misconceptions  that  she  has  everything  handed  to  her  because  of  her  family’s  wealth  .  she  can  be  very  prideful  of  all  of  her  accomplishments  at  times  ,  but  definitely  will  let  them  do  the  talking  instead  of  being  the  type  to  bring  them  up  in  every  conversation  .

she’s  nice  to  who  she  wants  to  be  nice  to  ,  and  sometimes  she’ll  be  the  very  opposite  of  nice  .  she  can  complain  a  lot  sometimes  ,  especially  when  she’s  doing  something  that  she  wasn’t  want  to  .  

will  respond  to  attitudes  with  the  same  energy  and  she  will  take  no  prisoners  .

she  is  and  will  remain  as  #1  in  her  program  (  valedictorian  )  and  will  do  whatever  it  takes  to remain  in  such  spot  .  she’s  wildly  ambitious  mostly  stemming  from  her  father  being  the  same  way  ,  so  she’ll  step  on  toes  and  sink  her  nails  in  in  order  to  get  what  she  believes  is  hers  .

crazy  charming  ,  and  usually  it  only  takes  her  flashing  a  smile  in  order  to  get  what  she  wants  .  however  since  she’s  pretty  full  of  herself  that  can  be  a  real  turn  off  to  others  who  don’t  care  about  the  luxuries  that  can  afford  .    

desired  relations  .

i  would  love  to  have  almost  any  and  everything  .  first  ,  some  basics  that  i’d  love  to  have  are  as  follows  :  former  roommates  ,  best  friends  ,  academic  rivals  ,  friends  with  benefits  ,  confidant(s)  ,  frenemies  ,  good  /  bad  influence  ,  one  night  stand(s)  ,  flirtationship  ,  enemies  with  benefits  ,  and  a  current  or  ex  fling  !

i’ve  been  drinking  my  women  loving  women  juice  recently  and  i’d  love  for  her  to  have  an  ex  gf  ?  i  really  feel  that  they  ended  on  good  terms  like  they  might  have  simply  drifted  apart  ,  but  they  remain  really  good  friends  ?  there’s  probably  even  a  sprinkle  of  them  being  confidants  to  one  another  ,  but  give  me  this  or  give  me  death  .  

i  would  die  for  literally  any  form  of  angst  that  you  could  possibly  think  of  ?  angsty  friends  ,  angsty  exes  ,  angsty  anything  .  i  love  to  put  myself  through  misery  so  honestly  ...  bury  me  six  feet  under  and  i  will  literally  thank  you  .

all  aboard  the  heartbreak  train  !  this  ties  back  into  my  love  for  angst  ,  but  some  form  of  an  ex  or  maybe  even  someone  who  she  go  close  to  but  it  didn’t  really  work  out  ?  maybe  even  a  will  they  won’t  they  ?  but  essentially  ,  clearly  these  two  have  feelings  but  for  some  reason  things  didn’t  work  out  for  them  and  now  they’re  probably  in  a  limbo  or  trying  to  determine  where  they’re  headed  but  they  absolutely  refuse  to  talk  about  it  !  all  of  their  friends  notice  but  they  blow  them  off  and  ok  let  me  relax  and  actually  allow  us  to  plot  ,  but  just  some  potential  ideas  !

i  will  have  a  desired  relations  tag  that  i’ll  be  updating  as  frequently  as  i  can  ,  but  if  none  of  these  work  for  you  or  if  you  have  something  you  see  araminta  filling  ,  then  please  let  me  know  !  we  can  totally  brainstorm  or  if  you  want  ,  then  we  can  work  on  chemistry  !

[viktcrr-alt]

MAXENCE DANET FAUVAL / NONBINARY — don’t look now, but is that viktor samuels i see? the 24 year old visual arts student is in their senior year and he/they are a rochester alum. i hear they can be observant, ingenious, reticent and dependent, so maybe keep that in mind. i bet he/they will make a name for themselves living in garcia row. ( james. 20. est. she/they. )

LAST INTRO WOOOO !! u know what to mf DO !!

TW DEATH, HEAVY GRIEF, OVERDOSE / DRUG ADDICTION, HOSPITALIZATION, HYPERSEXUALITY, RELIGION MENTIONS, MENTAL ILLNESS

a e s t h e t i c s

old tvs and their static, worn tapes, horror movie screams, spilled ink, a sculptor’s hands, clay-stained, chicken scratch handwriting, messy notes, messy hair, scoffs and eye-rolls, bruised knuckles, sore throats, funeral homes and a crying preacher, shattered ceramics, knife fights, high ledges, vertically-striped pants, red lights, the moon shrouded in clouds, cigarette butts.

general info !!

full name: viktor phillip samuels

nickname(s): icky vicky :/

b.o.d. - jan 2nd

label(s): the black hole, the crepehanger, the impious, the opaque, the tempest, etc.

height: 6′0″

hometown: rochester, new york

sexuality: uuuhhh god … probably pan tbh

pinterest

stats

biography !!

okay so … born and raised in rochester, new york to the well known samuels family. preacher father, a mother, a twin sister born 15 minutes before him - aka tatiana samuels, who died back in january.

kinda … grew up as a really awkward, quiet kid? like … just didn’t really interact with other kids super well, preferred being alone and like … digging up bugs in the dirt. only friend was like … his own sister.

grew out of this as they got older, instead sort of … becoming a bit of a dick? to compensate for years of awkwardness? will bite the hand that feeds him. was a full on nuisance by middle school. tatiana was not, at least, noticeably.

has always been a fan of darker materials, y’know - grim and creepy, morbid shit. big fan of tim burton ever since he was a kid, which isn’t … a good look for a preacher’s son, but he’s never really felt ~in~ with the rest of his family, anyway.

drew disturbing pictures as a kid probably tbh that prompted one or two or five phone calls home 2 assure everything was fine.

has always been really … good at art, in general - from drawing to painting to playing with clay, that’s always been viktor’s Thing.

aNyWaYs. being tatiana’s twin brother was kinda hard sometimes. tatiana and him were near opposites besides their same mean-spirited trait. she was better in the public than he was, but viktor was arguably more talented than tatiana. they both loved each other deeply and found each other as competition for their parents’ attention - a rivalry, of sorts.

high school is when viktor really started to act out - started extreme, like losing his virginity in their church and vandalism around the neighborhoods. faked being possessed in the middle of sunday service. almost had an exorcism performed on him, probably.

the only redeemable trait was like … his sheer talent with art. was in a 3d art AP course, specialized in sculpting - could pretty much create anything he wanted with enough dedication.

because his parents would be focused on disciplining him for his antics, tatiana could sneak away and get away with stuff easier. so like, y’know, that’s on the bright-side of things.

never been particularly motivated to do much - wasn’t planning on attending lockwood but his parents kinda … did and sent in his application for him b/c they were Not on board with him Wasting Away (wanted him out of the house asap)

actually pretty smart !! just doesn’t like … want to apply himself ever. double majoring in english and visual arts because they’re like … two of his only interests :/ plus he wants to write and illustrate his own series of children books with a style similar to tim burton’s

he’d been experimenting since high school but college is where he really started to like … crack down on himself and figure himself out. was out as pan & nonbinary by his sophomore year of college, just … not to his family, necessarily. thinks tatiana always knew, but didn’t … really use it against him, blessedly enough

always felt like the whole twin - connection thing was … both wack and also not-wack? sometimes it felt believable but sometimes he had no idea what was going on in tatiana’s head. but he felt oddly transparent to her, always - like he was predictable to no one but her.

( TW DEATH, GRIEF, OVERDOSE / HOSPITALIZATION BEYOND THIS POINT )

but when tatiana disappeared - it was like, like viktor knew. the moment she had been kidnapped - felt something deeply wrong in his gut. and when tatiana died - viktor felt something cut so severely in him. he knew, he always knew exactly when. he couldn’t put his finger on how - but he knew. even when everybody else held out hope for her to be found - he knew.

went on a bender around the same time, had always struggled w/ drug addiction but it got worse the longer tatiana went without being found.

( also struggled heavily with his mental health, too ?? has manic and depressive episodes. will fixate on a sculpting project for six months and then purposely knock it off the table and destroy it in the matter of seconds once it’s finished for. no fucking reason. impulse spends A Lot. )

when her body was found, viktor went off the rails. ended up overdosing and being hospitalized where he spent the next like … however long months … until they deemed him better.

has been back since the beginning of fall semester in an attempt to finish his senior year - mostly out of his parents’ insistence that he did, because he very much did not want to. 

is still dealing with a lot of trauma & grief, which was only amplified with dean lockwood’s death - causing him to spiral and be unpredictable with his mental health. some days are good, and some days are very bad.

personality !!

the human embodiment of a gremlin, fed after midnight. a goblin, if u will. one of those cats with a narrow head and big ass ears. that’s him.

b i g horror & halloween enthusiast. loves the old campy horror movies. probably has an abundance of masks from different movies. dresses like a grimy millennial beetlejuice more than he should. love those vertically striped pants!

fashion alternates between e-boy (would b tik tok famous if he were like … 17), millennial beetlejuice, and like … goth in a crop top and sweatpants. big fan of crop tops. big fan of sweatpants.

he can be fucking mean. petty, aggressive, instigator. will literally spit in ur face or no reason. kind of person who’ll stick his gum into other ppl’s hair. other than that he’s like … pretty okay. he’s not always mean, he’s just a dick like … 70% of the time lmao

i mean yeah okay he’ll call someone a stinky bitch for no reason except He Feels Like It And Believes It. it’s fine he’s fine, we’re fine.

despite the fact tht he’s probably getting into fights whenever - considers himself 2 be a lover n not a fighter but that’s just because he Fucks a lot. kind of uses it like a coping mechanism, like he’s this big fancy carnival show that’s like ‘come one, come all! fuck the dead girl’s twin brother!’ may have a problem w/ hypersexuality but it’s nothing he’s fully. aware of.

the preacher’s whore son, basically

like i said he’s pan & nb, switches between he and they pronouns but like … he has such a fragile grip on his identity that u could call him ‘dog-faced bitch’ and he’d turn like hey wassup :)

vastly impulsive, like i’ve mentioned … destroys his own creations 4 the fun of it, spends all his money on useless shit, will cheat on someone bc he feels like it. screams into the night sky frequently, like a cat in heat.

i mean he also creates useless shit for no reason too. spent six months sculpting a hollowed out tree the size of him and then took a sledgehammer to it.

dramatic fuck. used to play the organ at the church like … when no one was looking after him and service was about to start. just these creepy as melodies. would do the same thing at home on his keyboard w/ the organ setting whenever he got grounded until his parents took away his keyboard sadjfkg

won’t talk about his time away b/c it’s not rly anybody’s business but ofc nothing is sacred to the watershed app, y’know, nothing’s private.

still like - he absolutely refuses to talk about tatiana’s death and like, his mental health or his addiction (he’s fallen back into it tbh but it hasn’t gotten bad again … yet) or like … anything involving his own emotions

will literally just change the topic! abruptly, no warning, asks about the jonas brothers instead.

that being said he’s obsessed with tatiana’s death. tatiana was very much a rock for him, kinda dependent on her in a way? just … being there, y’know, kept him grounded.

so he obv became a shepherd bc he wants to know Everything there is abt the app, wants to be deep inside it, wanted to know Who Exactly Killed Tatiana and like … not saying he wants 2 commit murder but :/ yknow. he’s very upset.

emotionally unavailable while also like crying twice a day.

will tell you straight up what he wants from you, no bullshit, no beating around the bush - just blunt. if he wants to just fuck, nothing else, then that’s that. if he feels deviation he’ll ghost in like. less than a second. kinda awful like that! feels no shame.

but like … also is emotional ?? as shit ?? it’s confusing. he’ll cry on a whim and then flip u off if u try to console him or like. ask him anything. will bite you.

he goes to therapy but he generally fucks around and wastes most of the time until the therapist threatens to like … idk what therapists r allowed to threaten. to send him off to another therapist? idk.

likes being intimidating but like … not with his body or nothing ‘cos he’s a TWIG, but like … uses his love for horror n creepy shit to his advantage. has an abundance of fake blood. has channeled the energy of jack nicholson and used it on tatiana’s boyfriends before.

( also a big fan of sfx makeup, has dabbled in it)

probably chases kids with a chainsaw (w/o the like … chain … or w/e … so it’s not actually Dangerous) around halloween

he’s generally never doing good, both mental health wise and morally.

would probably steal candy from a baby for the fun of it.

i don’t know if there’s a good to him, deep down, and i don’t know if he sees any issues with himself either !! nothing really breaks through to him anymore, the only person who ever really made him stop and Think about his actions was tatiana.

kinda introverted, recluse type who doesn’t rly like most people or going out, but he’ll go to parties if it means he’ll be high as shit.

pretty observant. likes to analyze people even though he’s probably not … fully right.

wanted connections !!

he lives alone currently but like … ex - roommates where viktor was just. a nightmare to live with.

feel like a lot of enemies is also a possibility !! viktor’s messy.

people that like … knew tatiana. dated tatiana, even, and viktor would pretty much try to intimidate / scare them at any given chance :/

close friends of tatiana too

people who hated tatiana but liked viktor. people who hated viktor but liked tatiana

people who take pity on him and he Hates it viciously and vocally.

a band of hooligan gremlin kids who do drugs and fuck shit up around town like they’re edgy teenagers even though they’re all early to mid 20s.

the girl he lost his virginity 2 in high school lmao … a distant memory

fellow rochester locals, from church or school or whatever

exes from the past !! good terms and bad terms, but i love bad terms a whole lot mainly b/c viktor’s a jackass.

don’t know if he’s soft towards anybody but we can try. we can Try.

friends, old friends, new friends, bad friends, good friends, close friends, frenemies, etc. etc. all of it

hookups !! so many hookups. fwbs, one night stands, whatever.

uuhhhh god. i don’t know. im so sleepy rn. people in the same major or similar majors.

maybe a ride or die.

people he’s a bad influence on / an enabler towards / all around toxic for them / each other.

people he’s fought !! people who’ve seen him get into random fights and were like ‘uh wtf’

fellow shepherds !!

literally anything im not picky.

[tacitoru]

Dance to This (m)

pairing: fuqboi!jhs x reader

genre: smut, dance majors!au

warnings: light bondage (?), thigh riding, self-gratification lmao

wc: 3k

notes: an old draft i found collecting dust in my wips from a year ago. i think it meant to have more plot and detail but I’m not entirely sure lol editing this was more as a mental break from my current stuff than anything else and i can't remember what my original idea for this was but enjoy lmao

synopsis: in lieu of your injured partner, you’re forced to work with one of the biggest mistakes you’ve made in your college career.

Some of the most important things came in pairs; shoes, lungs, chopsticks, dance partners.  Yet much to your inconvenience, you had managed to become the mismatched sock in an otherwise perfectly organized dresser drawer of neatly rolled - and paired - socks. Four weeks before one of the largest showcases in your college career, your dance partner Jimin, a sophomore prodigy, had badly twisted his ankle slipping on black ice that had frozen along the steps outside his dormitory in the aftermath of a winter storm. While the boy would still be able to dance in a few months' time, your instructor was quick to find someone to fill in the blank. Rather than your more preferable idea of turning your duet into a solo, you were haphazardly thrown to the whims of one irksome Jung Hoseok.

It wasn't that he was terrible. It was far from that - he was too good, and he knew it.

Flawless transitions, a body that moved with all the expression, ease, grace and passion you could only hope you portrayed. His performance pushed the limits of perfection and inspired awe to those who spectated, upper and underclassmen alike. And it just so happened he would be performing in the same show with you at the end of the semester, in an effort to attract the attention of big-name dance companies. To secure a future in the industry.

Yet the unbalanced dynamic caused by a long and awkward history between the two of you seemed to threaten all of that.

"Does it hurt?"

The question sounds silly the moment it leaves your mouth, and the odd look on Jimin's face most likely mirrors yours. Obviously, it hurt. But Jimin, the angel that he was, only smiles brightly and wiggles his toes in the cast. "Only a little."

Jimin, practically a contemporary dance prodigy, still had a year to go, hence, he avoided many repercussions of not being able to participate in the show. You, on the other hand, were grinding down to the last semester at your performing arts school. While it wouldn't be impossible to get a job teaching at a studio or even at another school, it wasn't what you were looking for - wasn't what you had dreamed of.

And now, with Jimin's eyes drowning you in that well-known look of pity, that dream felt very, extremely out of reach.

You shot up out of your seat, feeling your skin crawl and your ears burn under that familiar feeling of irritation. A hot feeling filled your head with all the pent-up frustration from the situation that had long gone out of your hands. You need to get out.  For a fleeting moment, you're tempted to step on Jimin's other ankle out of pure (unwarranted) pettiness. Damn you for leaving me in a position like this.

"I just wanted to stop by and make sure you were doing alright…" You hope your smile looks more amiable than it feels.

The boy nods, extending his arms as if going for a hug, and then quickly retracting into a half wave as though he's thought better about it. Over the grueling hours and months you had spent practicing hard together, you and Jimin worked together like a well-oiled machine across the floor. You were good partners, even nearly friends, but close was something you were not. At the end of each day, you both went your separate ways. Still, it felt wrong for this to have happened and to not stop by the hospital, no matter little of value the relationship was to you.

As you reach the door Jimin calls out to you, "Are you heading to the studio?" He eyes your attire and the gym bag you shoulder as if that if not an obvious enough answer.

"Yeah."

"Is everything going okay with Hoseok?"

The fingers that rest of the doorknob curl around it in an iron grip. You glare hard at the scuffed tile floors, biting your tongue at the slight idolization you hear in Jimin's tone just at speaking the man's name. He had always been a bit of a fan.

"It's great," you lament, pushing through the doorway. "Fucking fantastic."

There is only one studio ever open past ten o'clock at night, and you are one of a handful that ever wanders in there so late at night after an already taxing day spent on these very floors. So when you arrive to find a sliver of light from the doorway and heavy bass of an R&B song trembling the walls of the corridor, the sense of frustration from earlier that evening only seems to balloon. Kicking the door open and fully intending on forcing the person out of the studio, you're stopped short by the sight before you.

Two closely intertwined half-dressed bodies, moving erratically and jammed up against a foggy wall length mirror jump apart at the sound of the door slamming into the wall behind it. You mentally wince, knowing that someone's instructor will spaz when they discover a door handle sized dent in the drywall.

Jung Hoseok stands in a sweat-sticky tee, hair tousled, slowly tucking himself back into the draws and basketball shorts that had fallen to his shins, looking a hell of a lot less perturbed than the girl he was just dick-deep inside. This - this was exactly why you refused to be partnered with him.

The girl (one you vaguely recognize from an Intro to Tap class you took on a whim) looks frazzled, struggling to simultaneously reach for her leggings and pull up her bra. She opens her mouth to exclaim in anger, but you beat her to the punch.

"What the fuck is this."

You stretch in silence. It's always like this now, as opposed to the pop music blasting over the stereo Jimin would play during warmups, the mild hellos and good mornings, the partner stretches or the comfortable small talk made between switching positions. Now, with Hoseok, the closest thing to a greeting is a nod or a grunt. Warming up is done in radio silence, save for the days like today when you remember to bring your earbuds and turn the volume too low for your new partner to hear, but loud enough to block out your thoughts and the awkward tension that's more deafening than the silence.

Today is more uncomfortable than others, for a multitude of reasons. You can hardly turn your head in Hoseok's direction, the image of him pinning your old classmate to the mirror by the arms and the flash of his bare ass forever printed to the backs of your eyelids. You say nothing to him though, having shared more than enough words when all he had replied to your outrage was with a shrugged off, "Practice."

You had cursed him and his accomplice out, reprimanding them for misuse of school facilities. A reprimanding that had, apparently, gone right over their heads, because while the girl had at first a little decency to appear sheepish, she had shoulder her way past you to the door hissing, "killjoy."

Despite the fact that the previous night's events had only amplified your cold attitude toward him, you could feel Hoseok's gaze burn hole between your shoulder blades. You had a three-hour practice together before a break for lunch, and although it had only just started, you were counting down the minutes.

Little was said for the first half, aside from "Let's try that again," and "One more time from the top,". Despite being thrown into it at a moment's notice, Hoseok is a fast learner and picks up the routine quickly. However, when it gets to the point where the instructor allows you to practice without him for the last hour and a half, Hoseok feels unnecessarily entitled to fill the void. Most days you don't mind a little constructive criticism. Yet today, when his hands unexpectedly go for your hips in the middle of a turn, you practically leap three feet in the air before stumbling out of his reach.

You whip around to face him, hands planted on your hips. "Can I help you?!"

Hoseok has known you've been on edge all day, yet the look on his face is one of genuine surprise at your outburst. He blinks. "You're moving your hips all wrong."

"Wha-?"

"Your hips," He falters when you move further away from him when he reaches for you again, sighing exasperatedly. "You look super stiff like you're trying to twist your way out of a tight pair of jeans. There's no fluidity."

Chin tilted in his direction, you keep your defensive stance, still mentally gathering your bearings. The image of bare thighs flash across your thoughts, and it takes everything in you not to screw your face up at the memory. "Excuse me? Instructor Lee said that I was doing this perfectly fine-,"

Hoseok snorts, "Instructor Lee doesn't want to hurt your fragile little feelings."

"My feelings?!" Is he not the damn professor?

"Y/N, I know what happened yesterday was a little…unprecedented. But if you want to be taken seriously at this showcase, you have to focus and be able to handle constructive criticism."

"Taken seriously?!" At this point you're just parroting what he says, his condescending tone rendering you shocked into disbelief. You've quickly gone from defensive to full offense, advancing on Hoseok. "You, of all people, are the very last person to talk to me about being serious! Especially after that stint the other night. Can't you take your private business somewhere a little more, I dunno…private? How do you expect me to just unsee whatever the hell that was? I can't sleep, Hoseok. I have nightmares. Don't you know how much this sucks? How much more stress you've caused me?!" At this point you've got a single pointer finger digging into his pectoral with so much force he bats your hand away with a hiss.

"Look, I think you're exaggerating a little too much-,"

"And I don't think you're taking this seriously enough. This isn't a game, Jung. Don't you know how much I want this?!"

"You don't think I want this either?!" Hoseok barks back, appearing more than a little miffed.

"You certainly don't act like it."

He huffs again, shaking his head dismissively. "Look, I'm not ecstatic that we got paired together so last minute either, but we could work so well together if you would just stop being so tightly wound-,"

"-You're the reason I'm so wound up-!"

"Then let me undo it!"

The words hang in the distance between you, which Hoseok tries to close in a quick succession of steps that bring him far too close for comfort.

"Excuse me?" You lean away,  tilting your chin to glaring up at him incredulously over the bridge of your nose. Is he offering what you think he's offering?

"Let me help you relax," he reiterates. "If it means you'll be more compliant."

"You say that as if this whole mess is my fault.  And as if I'd ever get comfortable enough to let you put your hands on me again," you scoff.

"Y/N… You know I can do it. You know I can get you there. It's a matter of morals, really. Stop being so stiff." Your name rolls from the depth of throat in a low growl. His hands hover by your sides as though he's fighting the urge to initiate physical contact, fidgeting fingers curling into fists. Suddenly, you're reminded of every other hapless run in you've had with Jung Hoseok for the past four years, how they all started like this and ended the same. A long progression of tension, sly looks, flirting, wandering hands and an offer that you had never taken upon until your junior year because you never thought he really meant it. You had thought were better than that and had more self-respect than all of the other girls before you who had succumbed to such encouragement on his part. But that night, when you had caved in because he was so damn earnest and you had managed to convince yourself he really did care, was the night that had solidified the true nature of your relationship and revealed the real character behind one determined, dazzling Jung Hoseok. When he had left you alone, in a stranger's bed in the heated aftermath of a house party held by the friend of a friend, only to reappear into your life the next day with another girl on his arm. You had felt played. Hence began the year-long tirade against anything and everything Hoseok related - until now.

"Having a sense of self-respect and morality makes me stiff? What, so you wanna bang me against the mirror like you did to your other little friend?" you sneer. 'I didn't think you'd take me for someone so easily. "

His eyes flash, more than likely reliving that night too, the last time you had ever really talked to him outside of the studio. You grip the hoodie that's tied lowly around his hips and yank him an inch forward so that you can nose up to his ear.

"Fine. I'll let you help me, but we'll do it my way this time."

And then you're shoving him backward, towards the balancing bar, quickly untying the knot of his sweater sleeves as you go. Hoseok trips over his own feet, all of his usual elegance and grace lost as he struggles to comprehend your intentions. He grimaces when his back hits the wall. "What are you doing?"

Blatantly ignoring him, you place your free hand on his shoulder pressing down, the other still holding the sleeves of his hoodie together. "Kneel." His brow furrows at the command, but he complies none the less, slowly sinking to the floor.

A feeling of satisfaction thrums through your veins at the sight of him like this, knocked off his pedestal and quite literally a few feet beneath you. In a single motion, you ruck the hoodie up from his waist, pulling his arms up from under his biceps in the process. Stepping closer so that you stand over his knees, Hoseok awkwardly attempts to reach for your waist, yet you slip the hoodie around his wrists and tie them to the bar in a haphazard yet decently secured knot.

"I said you're not going to lay a hand on me." You hiss, wedging a foot between his knees, you direct him to slide his feet from under himself and prop his legs up. Much to your surprise, your toes brush up on his crotch, finding him already half hard.

You flash him a mocking smile. "Already?"

Hoseok only looks down at the floor in response, cheeks flushing red with shame.

"It's alright. You've always been one to take what you want." He watches you with wide eyes as you undo the strings of your sweatpants, gaze quickly flitting to the mirror, and then the door.  "Now it's my turn."

"What about the door?"

A bolt of panic runs down your spine. It's daytime, and despite it being so close to lunch hours, it is more than likely that anyone could walk right in and catch you in the act. However, you remember the light in the hall, the unlocked door, the unworried look, and nonchalant air that which Hoseok had carried himself when you had found him and that girl, and you realized that he didn't really care. He couldn't have. It makes you all the more determined, and a little bold.

You step out of your sweatpants and gradually lower yourself into his lap, pinching his chin to divert his attention back to you in a show of bravado. "Let them see, then."

Straddling his left leg, Hoseok's eyes become impossibly wide as you begin a steady gyration over his thigh. "You've always had such nice thighs Hobi. How about you put them to some good use."

Slowly but surely you move your hips along the ridge of muscle in his leg, one hand on the balancing bar and the other on his shoulder for support. The pressure on your core brings a thrill of pleasure down your spine, heat filling low in your abdomen. A breathless sigh escapes you, and Hoseok groans at the sight before him. You nearly laugh at the sight of his petulance.

"Didn't think it would turn out like this, would it?" Knees braced on either side of his legs, you grind down harder. When your kneecap brushes the bulge between his legs, Hoseok gasps, responding with an erratic buck of his hips. He tosses his head back, hiding his face in the crook of his right arm. The answer to that question would be yes, but he senses that you're not looking for an answer; you already have one. "Leaving the door open, not even the slightest bit surprised when I came through the door. You knew what you were doing last night." You seethe in his ear. "Think of how unfair you're being; fucking her while you're thinking of me."

Hoseok growls. "Who said I was thinking of you."

"Nobody had to." You roll your hips into his thigh faster, seeking that self-satisfaction, and Hoseok hates it. He wants you pinned to the floor, beneath him, his mouth on the alluring juncture between your neck and shoulder, and his hands on any bare skin he can possess. Instead, here you are, rendering him subdued while you use his body to get you off like some kind of toy.

"I-I didn't even know that girl was coming last night. I-I was waiting for you," Hoseok confesses, albeit reluctant. "Wanted to get your attention again."

"Well, now you've definitely got it." One particular motion results in the material of your panties to chafe directly at your clit, causing you to stutter. "Oh, f-fuck!"

You're ridiculously wet, evident in the dark streaks left in the fabric of his red shorts. Hoseok gathers the strength to look at you again, moaning at the sight of you working yourself on him. He flexes his leg and you falter again, whimpering. You're close, he can tell. For a moment Hoseok fidgets against his makeshift restraints.

"I could make you feel so much better if you would just let my hands go."

"Not happening," You admonish gripping his jaw with the hand not on the bar when Hoseok tries to toss his head back again in frustration. "Look at me - no, look at me."

Your partner's replacement is forced to watch as you whine and wriggle yourself to completion on his leg. The pressure of your knee on his crotch leaves little to no relief, and yet he bucks up in a last ditch effort anyways. When you finally hoist yourself up, shiny streaks stick to some places where the edge of his shorts meets his bare skin. Hoseok nearly gawks at the site. Meanwhile, you pull yourself together, hiking on your sweatpants and turning to gather your things.

"Hey!" He realizes your intentions and begins to panic.  You throw him a bored look over your shoulder, halfway out the door. In his stupor, he recognizes it to be one far too identical to his demeanor the other night. Except for this time, it's no bluff. "Untie me?"

You raise an eyebrow.

"Please?"

Instead of granting his wish, you slowly stride over to him, pulling out your phone to snap a quick photo of him. The fantastic, Jung Hoseok, God's gift to the world of performance arts, looking disheveled, distraught and tied up to a balancing bar. It was too good to pass up.

"Okay. I've had my fun." With one good yank, you release the man from his confines and stalk out of the practice room. "But don't think it'll be happening again."

[igumdrop]

happy december!~

lots happened this month! i WENT TO VEGAS! hehehe vegas is my favorite place on earth. okay that’s a lie japan was pretty amazing and i love singapore. but vegas is super fun and i always have a ton of fun there.. and i think it’s mostly because it’s a city of sporadic events and i love spontaneous things LOL

here’s a picture of john, jodi, fed and i ice skating before we went to the strip club on a whim LMAO 

here’s a picture of fed & i on the rink :D funny story, we basically all took photos with eachother and they told me to make sure to get the “tree” in the photo... i accidentally thought the fake eiffel tower was the tree and completely left the christmas tree outside jodi’s photo with fed LMAO

we also went clubbing two nights in a row ;__; guys i’m seriously so partied out. i think 2019 was the year of partying for me. i went out like every week during the summer and i am officially dead. i think the new years party at offline will be my last and final stretch and 2020 will be STAYING HOME GRINDING AND DOING WORK hahaha

i took this picture for the first night we went clubbing... i usually wear pigtails because i dance like crazy and if i don’t have my hair up it just gets everywhere LOL but alas, the next day i went with all my hair down and it JUST GOT EVERYWHERE

cute pics with celine and kimi :) 

2019 was definitely a year where i bonded with my friends in ways i didn’t know i could. it just felt like the year of acceptance and forgiveness. i really learned how to appreciate my loved ones for everything they are :) 

thanksgiving was really fun too! whoever was in my thanksgiving cooking stream y’all saw how much i made LOL. i was so stressed omg. i actually didn’t think the turkey came out good at all when last year my turkey was so bomb :( oh wells. maybe next year i will focus on actually making the dinner good because it’s so hard to do on stream when my mind is so out of focus haha. but i had such a fun stream that there are no regrets <3 everyone still ate till our stomachs exploded

the third girl you see in the photo is mindy! she’s my hairdresser :) i love her she’s absolutely amazing. probably the reason why my hair isn’t dead yet hahahahaha.

my brother also came over for thanksgiving! it was such a heartwarming feeling for me to see my brother play with my cat because ebi’s been a part of my life since i became an “adult” and my brother is such a big part of my childhood. I DON’T KNOW GUYS I’M GROWING UP AND IT’S WEIRD BUT BITTERSWEET AND STUFF 

anyway all in all i learned so much this year. it was definitely a year of growth, learning, loving, adapting. i really feel like i worked my ass off this year, even if i wasn’t the best version of myself i really learned how to become a better version of myself! I’M SO EXCITED FOR 2020 AND I HOPE YOU GUYS ARE TOO! love you guys <3 i’m really going to try hard to stream lots in 2020...

byebye~ here’s a funny pic of ebi in the iphone 11 wide angle HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

and a cute one  :) 

[tokoyamisstuff]

Guilt - Bucky x Reader

A/N: Here we are - the last chapter. I hope you like the ending! (:

Thank you guys for your love and support! Feel free to request any time! ❤︎

[Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3]

Summary: You really hoped your anniversary would go a bit different than that.

Warnings: Violence. Near-death-experience. Self-loathing. Mild cussing. Constant change between Angst and Fluff. End gets fluffy af.

Words: 6005 Wait what?! Okay I’m supposed to do homework so I’m procrastinating lmao.

“Mission failed. The Agent is malfunctioning.”

One of HYDRA’s agents gave a status report to his superiors. Function. Like he’s a damn tool. But because of this, they were seriously considering just letting it be. A broken weapon needs to be thrown away as soon as it’s become beyond the point of repair.

You could just hope they’d really give up on him and not trying to get rid of either him or you...

“Oh, guess I’m still alive” you joked as you woke up, just to be met with a frowning Bucky.

A ray of sunlight hit his face, and the deep circles under his eyes were proof that he didn’t have any sleep. He sat on the bed, knees pulled to his chest. His brows were furrowed together and he seemed to be buried in thought.

“Bucky?”

No reaction.

Looks like it was still the Winter Soldier. “Ah, whatever” you thought, head still being a little fuzzy.

“I should not hurt you” he grunted, clenching his jaw. His voice was unsure at first, but his next words were more firm. “I won’t.”

“That’s sweet, darling” Your face split into a beautiful smile, cupping his cheek with both your hands to make him look at you. “Now give me a smile, would you?”

The Winter Soldier needed to remind himself to breath as you watched him expectingly, with those bright, beautiful eyes. When he watched you sleep the night before, he thought you must be what people call an angel.

Your boisterous laughter at him made his heart sink into his chest.

“I’m sorry” you chuckled, peppering small kisses among his face. “I’m sorry, it’s just...you looked so weird right now.” God, him awkwardly trying to smile was just more cutness than you could handle. It looked like a failed attempt to bare his teeth and snarl.

His eyes flickered from your eyes to your mouth - and before you could even say something, hips lips were on yours as he pulled you into his arms. A whimper escaped your mouth, but you shuffled closer to him to signalize that you’re okay.

“That was...not bad” you gasped, trying to catch your breath from the kiss that felt like it lasted forever - and still not long enough. Bucky on the other hand finally managed to position his mouth in the form of a smile, being proud of your praise.

When you shoved the covers aside and jumped out of the bed, you realized Bucky wanted to follow you.

Was it really good to leave him alone? Well, it was the Stark Tower - so what’s the worst that can happen? Tony is a control freak, so this place was heavier guarded than the Pentagon.

“Please, wait here” you odered your Soldier, gently putting your hand on his chest and feeling his muscles tense. “I’ll be back soon! Just a few minutes.”

“Morning, Y/N!”

You heared Tony’s obnoxious voice from behind you and were instantly reminded that you weren’t alone in the kitchen. Sure, you loved every single one of your teammates - but you’d give everything for S.H.I.E.L.D. to finally set Bucky free so you can live a normal life somewhere far away.

That would be a real way to start anew. He already told them about every plan, every single weapon HYDRA possessed - so it should be up to him when to retire.

“Hi” you muttered under your breath, a grumpy expression written on your face as you stepped into the kitchen bare-footed.

“Where’s the Tin Man?” he teased, giving you a questioning look. Usually, Bucky would follow you everywhere he could, just like a dog. You never minded it, though. “Relationship problems?”

“He’s not feeling so well, so I told him to stay at his room.” Gosh, you really weren’t in the mood to talk right now. So you’d just open the fridge and get something to eat, so you could return to your lover as soon as possible.

“He’s what?!” Oh no, Steve was here, too. You were so focused on Bucky you didn’t pay attention to who sat at the breakfast table.

“No need to worry, Rogers. I can watch your bestie on my own” you gnarled, making the others rise their eyebrows. It wasn’t like you to be so passive-agressive. Of course, you could become really sharp-tongued when it came to defending Bucky, but why are you being like that right now?

“You sure everything is alright?” Wanda asked with her usual, caring tone.

Instead of remaining cool, you buried your face into your hands. “Yeah, he’s really fine. If not, I’m going to call a doctor. Please just let him rest a little.”

Even though you already walked towards the door, but you still felt their piercing glares upon you.

Don’t let them notice something. They can’t see him right now.

You needed to protect him. At all cost!

“I’m back!” you cheered as you entered your shared room - just to find Bucky, still standing at his original position without having moved an inch. You were pretty sure he didn’t even shift his weight from one foot to another.

“You don’t need to take orders so literally...” Letting out a deep sigh, you took his hand into yours - and this time he was slightly squeezing it, making hum approvingly. “Let’s sit down! I’ve brought your favourite!”

The plates on the desk held a piece of plum pie with cream, together with a cup of fresh coffee. You were hoping that his favourite dish might help regaining a memory or two - but he didn’t seem to cooperate. Bucky sat down, mistrustful eyeing the contents of the cup he held in his hands.

Crossing your arms in front of your chest, you began to pout. “C’mon, Bucky! I’ve learned how to make this pie just for you! Don’t you dare to think it’s poisoned or something.”

He wordlessly hung his head and took a bite of the pie, and soon his frown turned into a more relaxed expression.

“Does it taste good? It’s leftovers from yesterday but I stood at the stove for hours just for you!”

“Yes” he mumbled, still a serious tone in his voice. He was simply confused. Why would a nice person like you make this much of an effort for someone like him?

The Winter Soldier didn’t need comfort - he didn’t deserve it. That’s what they told him, all those years. And it was still stuck to his mind like a tumor.

You sipped on your own coffee and placed a hand on his knee. “It’s okay, Bucky. I never knew what it’s like to experience such horrible things. But it must’ve been so hard. And I’ll make the rest of your life as enjoyable as humanly possible! I promise you!”

“I don’t deserve this.” The look he was giving you reminded you of one night, where you sat on the rooftop and talked about simply anything that ran through your heads. Out of a whim, you asked the all-brave soldier what’s his biggest fear - and his simple answer was “You.”

When you asked him to elaborate, he told something that still captures your heart until this day:

“I’m scared that one day, you’ll look at yourself in the mirror and see yourself as I see you. You’ll realize just how amazing you are, and that you deserve way better than me...I’m terrified that you’ll leave me alone.”

All the torture he’s been through, and this is the one thing he picks to say he’s afraid of?

You’d sacrifice everything to make him understand that you needed him just as much as he needed you.

That your life was incomplete when he wasn’t there.

To make him see himself as the wonderful, involuntary fallen angel he is.

“That’s not true and you know that. We’ve had this talk so many times before, even if you can’t remember. But I love you so much and I want you to have everything you desire!”

“I want you.”

His answer made you smile. It was a sad and small one, but still a smile nontheless. “Idiot. You already have me! I’m not going to go anywhere!”

Bucky carefully pressed you against his chest and you could feel him shake a little as he mumbled a sole word: “Mine.”

You chuckled as you interwined your fingers with his and looked him deeply into the eyes. “Yes. All yours. Happy Anniversary, Bucky!” you whispered, and as soon as the last syllable escaped your lips, he found himself interlocked in a passionate kiss. The tender way of you holding his face into your hands made Bucky feel like everything will be okay.

“Anniversary?” The interrogation in his eyes made clear he had no idea what you were talking about.

“Yes! Our anniversary! We’re together for four years now. Too bad you can’t remember...”

His head went to a shade of crimson due to the shame of not remembering.

“Did you really never ask yourself who I am to you?” You rose one eyebrow, but continued smiling softly.

“My handler” he gritted, looking down to the floor in embarassment.

“Oh dear god, never!” you blurted out with a shy chuckle. “Bucky, I am your girlfriend! I could never be one of those horrible people!”

“Don’t tell me he doesn’t know what a girlfriend is” you thought. But still, Bucky faced the ground.

“Dear” you cooed as you continued, “I’m in love with you. I want to be close to you and make you happy. I want to spend my life with you!”

“Why me?”

You grabbed on the fabric of your shirt, as if you were experiencing a heart attack. “Why you? Oh, Bucky! It has to be you! Because you’re simply the most wonderful man I know!”

“I’m not. I’m a bad person.”

You put your index finger under his chin to lift his gaze. “You don’t know just how wholesome you are. Those past years, I couldn’t have been any happier - because of you! And that fact won’t change, Bucky.”

Bucky bit his lip. He bit it so hard that it began to bleed again, until your voice  told him to stop.

Suddenly, he grabbed your shoulders. He seemed to have remembered something. An important matter he didn’t accomplished yet, but wanted to so soon. So he looked at you with genuine determination before asking:

“Then...Can I stay with you forever?”

Your moment got interrupted as your door suddenly sprung open and the Avengers bursted in.

“Bucky!!” they all yelled in unity, making him jump and pull out his hunting knife. Damn, you forgot even in casual wear he was still armed with some hidden weapons.

“What the hell, Barnes” Sam asked, giving a sniff at Bucky’s weird reaction. Not even with his usual PTSD he’d get so high-alerted.

You held your breath. Obviously the whole Avengers Crew were his targets. You asked him about the details of his mission last night. It was easy to trust him that he wouldn’t hurt you - but what about the others?

Seeing them made the image of his mission reappear clearly before his eyes. But they were all gathered here, and he was supposed to kill them one after another. Even though he already did take them on back at the UN, thee risk was too high.

“Sorry for bursting in” Natasha tried to defend them all, “We were just worried and wanted to pay him a visit.”

“Bucky, put that knife away” you said, and the Winter Soldier followed your order without questioning it, giving it into your hands. “Thank you, sweetheart” you cooed, raking your hands through his hair.

His eyes were startled, furious and loving - all at the same time.

“Y/N...what’s going on?” Wanda asked - but as she tried to put a reassuring hand on your shoulder, Bucky caught her wrist with his metal hand. He started cracking and twisting it, making her double over in pain.

“Bucky, no!!!” you yelled as you tried to free your friend’s hand from his grasp. “She’s a friend, it’s okay! Please!!!”

Your begging tone was enough to make him stop already. He was worried that Wanda might’ve intended to hurt you, and he didn’t want anyone else to touch you without permission. He was unaware of how physical contact works between people who like each other.

But one thing he did know. Right now, you were afraid of him. He recognized the look on your face immediately. Your fastened breath, the volume of your voice, as well as your trembling limbs.

Just like  all of his victims were - before he killed them.

Soon, he found himself to be surrounded by heavy armed heroes - and you unable to know what to do.

“Please, just leave already. Guys, I’m begging you! Wanda, I’m sorry, but-”

“Y/N, go away from him. He’s dangerous.” Hearing those words coming out of  Bucky’s best friend’s mouth made your heart split in two.

“No, he isn’t!” you yelled as you pulled his head onto your chest, in an attempt to keep him calm. “He is nice and gentle and just afraid, and you just have to leave!”

Still, your heartbeat was fastened. Bucky thought it might as well just break out of your ribcage, that’s how loud it was hammering against his ear.

Actually, it was just your fear of him getting hurt.

But he thought that right now, you see him as the monster he is.

How naive to think that HYDRA might’ve lied - they were right all the time. He was an unloveable abomination that was only good for bringing agony over everyone he’s affected with.

Right now, the void in his heart became bigger than ever before.

The small ember of hope you placed inside of him was crumbled down by a wave of guilt and self-loathing. 

He should just die.

Why not right now, by the hands of the Avengers?

Doesn’t make any difference if he takes down on or two of them. They made you happy and a strange sensation came up in him that he couldn’t quite decipher: It was jealousy. Of them having what he can never have: Being able to be close to you without hurting you.

As he freed himself from your hug, you could see his desparation written clearly on his face.

“I’m sorry.”

The first one he’d send flying was Steve, who caused the wall he flew into to crumble until only a giant hole was left.

The other’s instantly reacted, with Nat jumping onto him, her legs wrapped around his neck, just like back at the UN. Why did she think the trick that didn’t work the first time would help now?

It was easy for Bucky to destroy the main piece of Tony’s emergency suit, leaving him unable to fight. Steve was still unconscious by the blow that went directly for his head. Nat was also knocked out by him having choked her - until Sam kicked his jaw before he could break her neck. Only a brief moment later, you saw Sam lying on the ground too - covered by blood.

Screaming so distraught that you thought the whole tower could hear, you begged both parties to stop.

But no one would listen. And you couldn’t do anything to help.

You were weak. Too weak to save the only person you ever loved, even though he was standing right in front of you.

But there was another problem: Clint didn’t have his weapons with them, and neither any protection wear. When Bucky was done with the others, he turned to face the Hawkeye and approached him with firm steps. You knew that in close combat, Clint had a major disatvantage.

A yell made it’s way to his ears and finally also into his mind. “Bucky, STOP!!!”

But it was too late.

His cybernetic arm went straight towards Clint’s chest, meaning to break his ribcage and destroy his heart. The swung was so powerful, he couldn’t pull back now. The metal in his arm was too heavy to do so.

The last thing you felt was the way of a strong, dull pain hitting the side of your chest. No matter how hard Bucky tried to back off when he saw you going between Clint and himself, he couldn’t prevent the tragedy that was about to happen.

The last thing you heared was the sobbing of the others as you fell to the ground. Before your head hit the floor, someone catched you, screaming in agony - it was Bucky. Your Bucky.

And then, everything went black.

“Welcome back, Y/N.”

The voice was Natasha’s, and as you opened your eyes you realized to be in the medical facility of the Stark Tower. Nat was sitting next to your hospital bed and was reading a book, waiting for you to regain your senses.

“I could hit you so hard right now...” she grumbled, putting the book aside. You wanted to sit up, but even the slightest bit of moving was just too much for you. It was so painful. And even more painful was the fact that you didn’t wake up to see Bucky being here.

“Do you know how much you worried us?!” Nat continued. “You can’t stay so naive forever!”

“How are the others?”

“No major injuries. Just a few bruises and Steve’s jaw is broken.” Her glare was piercing holes into your very being. This was how mad she was about your behaviour. “You should’ve told us the very second you realized it was the Winter Soldier.”

“You’d just have locked him away!” you yelled, but your voice cracked already. "I...I was sure he’d never hurt me...” you mumbled. “It was an accident. He didn’t want to do this.”

“How many times do you want to defend him, Y/N?! He’s a good ally, but you can’t be too close to him!” Tears ran down her face. That’s very unusual for a person so restrained and collected as Natasha was one.

And you knew why.

She was still madly in love with Bruce, alias the ‘Hulk’. But they could never be together - or at least he was thinking like that. Just like Bucky, he thought of himself as a dangerous being that wasn’t meant to find love.

And then, there was you - being happy with the Winter Soldier. Even controlling his murderous side to a certain extend. And it drew her crazy. That was just too much for her - to bear to look at you having what she couldn’t have. And like that, your friend distanced herself from you further and further.

Her excuse was always that she didn’t feel comfortable around Bucky, because he shot her back then. Oh god, how bad Bucky felt for leaving her with that scar.

But you knew it was a lie. Yet you never confronted her about that. What a bad friend you had become.

“Natasha, you always understood my feelings better than anyone. Would you stay away from Bruce if he wanted you to be together?”

You hit a weak spot there. Right in the bull’s eye.

“That’s just irrational! Y/N, you almost died! Stop talking about my issues, think about yourself! It can’t go on like this!”

Your voice was so weak and husky, and every breath hurt. What exactly did he do to you?

Looking around, you saw a giant box, and a pipe connecting it to your thorax.

“He broke some ribs and one of them popped your left lung like a balloon. You were still luck, though. He could’ve easily burst your whole chest open. Blood was filling your thorax and compressed your heart, so it stopped beating for a few minutes. That’s what the doctors say, at least. We all cried for you. We thought we were losing you! Do you understand that?!”

“Where is he?” you whimpered, tears rushing down your face.

“Where is Bucky?!”

“He doesn’t want to see you” Natasha said, standing up and shaking her head about how selfless you were. But she kinda liked that part of you, too. She just wanted to protect you.

“He’s talking to no one ever since the accident. But I was meant to tell you...He wants to break up.” She walked towards the door, just like that.. Of course she knew she should be staying with you after delivering such a message. But she just couldn’t. It pained her too much to see you like this.

“Then he should say it to my face” you said, now a blank and emotionless stare. You knew this was just his self-hatred speaking, but it still hurt so bad. Way worse than the physical pain.

All this time, you were giving it your best to keep him at your side. But it seemed he can throw it away without second thought.

“But...Nat?” you said, even managing to get up for a second to face her. The hope of you becoming friends again was still present in your mind. “Thank you.”

“He’ll come back” Your former best friend cracked a knowing smile.

“Bucky can’t live without you.”

He didn’t. No matter how long you’ve waited, he just wouldn’t come back to you.

It has been a few weeks now, and because your healing ability doesn’t work on yourself, you had to rely on modern medicine to do the trick. The giant bruises sure took their time to disappear, but it was alright. Now being single, you had all the time in the entire world anyway

Clint was visiting regulary, still feeling bad for you having saved him. Even though you assured him a thousand times that you would always put your life on the line for a friend. And that you knew he’d do the same.

You all would risk your life for one another. And that’s why you loved your friends so much. No one would talk badly about Bucky, even after he whiped the floor with them.

The others came by occasionally, scolding you for not going to the X-Ray examines or other stuff meant to uplift or control your recovery. It was hard for them to see you in this state, and knowing they provoked the Winter Soldier into doing so.

But you just didn’t felt like it. Without Bucky, you didn’t felt like anything at all. Even if it meant unnecessarily putting your health and even life in danger.

“God, Y/N! How many times do I have to tell you to not leave the medical ward?!” Steve yelled from somewhere behind you. You were lying on the rooftop of the Stark Tower, which was - thanks to you - covered by grass and many flowers. A garden on top of a skyscrapper, watching the sunset - what could be better for your mental health right now?

You didn’t open your eyes at his scolding, simply enjoying the fading but warm sunlight on your skin. The sound of the machine that kept your lung working for as long as it needed to heal was interrupting the peaceful silence.

“Leave me alone, Rogers. Please. Nothing you say can change my mind anyway. So don’t bother.”

“He wouldn’t want you to be so reckless” Steve mumbled as he walked away.

“If he’d care, he’d be here - with me” you whispered, biting your tongue to stop the tears from reappearing. How was he doing right now?

The lack of knowledge about his situation drove you into insanity. Not that he hurt you, but the fact that he could hurt himself.

Little did you know Steve was just on his way to the Winter Soldier’s room, trying to talk some sense into him.

He had mantled the whole room in darkness, and didn’t leave ever since you were injured and he carried you to the medical station. For how many hours did he cry his heart out until they told him you were stable?

At this moment, he was already prepared to lose you - because of his own selfisness. He needed to leave you as long as he was still able to. No matter what this meant for himself.

When Steve entered the room and turned on the lights, he saw that Bucky had destroyed most of the furnance - except for the photos of you. He could clearly see the patterns of his fist having hit the wall on several spots.

Never before he’s seen his friend so devastated. He couldn’t bear to look at the dark circles under his eyes and the hollow cheeks. Bucky was staring into the void, still mentally debating if he should just jump out of the tower to end this farce that’s his life.

“Bucky” Steve said firmly and with sympathy. But he didn’t even do so much as looking at him. Did he even notice someone was there? Didn’t look like it.

And he couldn’t face his friends anyway. He hurt every last one of them. Even though they gave him a second chance and tried to treat him like he wasn’t a homicidal maniac. That was beyond redeemable.

“Y/N is in danger.” He knew this would bring Bucky back and out of the dark corners of his mind. And it succeeded. Bucky looked up, desperation clearly visible in his eyes.

“You’re the only one able to talk sense to her! She’s being careless about her health ever since you’ve left, and we fear she might soon overdo it...or...well, maybe start harming herself. She’s changed without you, man. I’ve never seen her so gloomy. It scares me.”

Bucky’s voice was sore from being underused for weeks, but the words he spoke were still strong and determined.

“Where is she?”

“I told you to leave me alo-”

Your words got stuck in your throat when you realized just who came to your rescue. Sitting on the ground with your feet crisscrossed, you wished the world could just stop right now. Having that talk right now just was too much for you.

“What are you doing here, Y/N?” This was what he wanted to say - but honestly, he didn’t feel like he’s got the right to intervene with your life any further, in any kind of way. So he just sunk down to the ground next to you, looking at the view of the city at night - together with you.

He thought you’d be furious with him. That you’d beat him and yell at him. Or even worse: That you’d ignore him. Tell him to go away, that you didn’t care and didn’t love him anymore.

“You know” you started, still looking into the distance. “Hospitals are pretty boring. Especially when your supposed boyfriend doesn’t even come to visit.” Turning around to look at him, you saw pain written clearly on his face.

But your own, rock-hard expression dropped the moment you saw tears fill the rim of Bucky’s eyes, as he fought them from spilling down his face.

“I’ve missed you so much, you goddamn asshole!” you said as you tackled him over, repeatingly beating on his chest. “How could you?! How could you leave me alone for so long?!”

“Y/N...I hurt you. I’ve hurt you so bad, how am I ever supposed to look into your eyes again without feeling like the monster I am?!” Bucky lay with his back on the cold floor, keeping himself from the urge to embrace you to ease your pain.

“Didn’t I tell you already that you’re not a-”

“No!” he interrupted you. This was the first time he’s ever raise his voice at you, and you instantly felt all the air being sucked out of your lungs.

“I knew this would happen one day! I knew it, Y/N, yet I still let you persuade me into trying a relationship with you! Now I can’t lie next to you without fearing to crush your body any second! I can’t be around strangers because I have to fear them knowing the words! I can’t touch your skin without seeing that scar and being remembered about what I am! Everything you and the others told me about me being one of the good guys - it’s all bullshit!”

You wanted to protest, to say something. Anything! But your words wouldn’t roll over your tongue as easily as they usually did. So you couldn’t do anything else than just to lie on your former lover’s body, and breaking out in convulsive sobbing as he talked so badly about himself.

“I’m so messed up!” he whimpered, covering his face with his flesh arm. “I can’t even trust my own mind! I’m too dangerous to be with you! And yet, I can’t stay away from you! I’m the most selfish piece of shit!”

“So am I” you finally regained your ability to speak. If it was for Bucky, you could overcome even the most difficult hardships. “I know you feel bad because of me, but you can’t change my mind. I’ll stay with you until my dying breath.”

“You mean your death, which would probably be on my hands” he hissed angrily. Angry of himself.

Still, you pressed your body to his, making it feel as if you could never be separated again. “I need to show you something. Could you help me get to our room?”

Your weak, pleading eyes made it difficult to say no to your wish. And so he did, thinking it would be the last time he’d be together with you. Bucky picked you up and curled you into his muscular arms, while you held the machine with your own ones.

Arriving at the room, you saw what Bucky had done. He mumbled a quiet “Sorry...” as he let you down on the still intact bed. Seems like he just destroyed his own belongings.

“Wait” you mumbled as you searched for something under your bed, then finally grabbing something covered by gift wrap. “Here it is!”

Bucky shot you a quizzing look as you held the present into his face. “It was meant to be for our anniversary, but, well...You know.”

Both of you sat down on the edge of the bed as he carefully unwrapped what you had so beautifully decorated.

It was a giant book. Just his name as the title in a beautiful font. Even his favourite colour. And when he opened it, he gasped:

There were photos not even he knew have been made of him and his former life. From his school to his time in the army, and part of Captain Americs’s special forces. Many old and new newspaper clippings, telling the story of the courageous deeds of Sergeant Barnes, as well as some praising the White Wolf. Reports of him having served his duty in WWII formidably, and so on...Even a copy of his birth certificate. Photos of his parents, which he barely even remembered. Most of the photos and documents were were old and wrecked, but still beautiful - broken, but they still had their own charm. Just like him.”

“What the hell is this?” he whispered in awe, looking through it with eyes as wide as a child’s.

"It’s you” you shrugged with a wide smile on your face, watching every reaction of him closely. “I know it’s cheesy, but I thought...Well, I thought that...You know, very time you’re thinking badly about yourself, or maybe times when the Winter Soldier went on a rampage again. Even just when you’d have another nightmare - you can just open up this book and see you - the real Bucky.”

For a while, Bucky’s glare shifted from the book to your face over and over again, his jaw dropped.

“It was really hard to get some of these” you chuckled. “Most of them were in S.H.I.E.L.D’s or even HYDRA’s databases only. Gosh, good thing some of my favourite spies helped me so well with getting them. Even Nat was willing to assist me. And Cap’s girlfriend send me everything she got from S.H.I.E.L.D, beause she still owed me one for bringing Steve back to her unharmed from that one mission!”

Suddenly, you felt two strong hands - one on your waist, the other on the back of your neck, Bucky’s body was finally close to yours again. “Y/N...” was everything he managed to get out before he cried to his heart’s content. So many times he’d surpress the emotions he held, but right now, he was an open book - literally.

“Hush now, darling” you hummed to soothe him, stroking his messy hair. “I love you so much, it hurts when you’re not at my side. It’s just impossible for me not to be with you. There’s no other choice for us than to be together.”

Both of you needed hours of simply lying in the bed, crying over everything that had happened those past weeks.

It made him remember just how he cherished those quiet moments with you. With you, he wasn’t forced to talk much, or act all happy like he did for Steve’s sake. He could relax, stay silent and enjoy some peace and quiet. It was not bad for him to be sad. And still, you wouldn’t just tiptoe around him because you feared that he was too sensitive. You’d speak your mind at any time, because you trusted he could take it. With you, he felt normal.

He could be himself, and you’d love him for this - for whatever reason. Bucky didn’t know why you did. He was simply glad that you did.

“I’m sorry our Anniversary was such a failure...”

“At least we had some plums” you snickered, his face still on your chest. He could listen to your heartbeat forever. It was prove that he has a reason to continue living - and that this life wouldn’t be a bad one.

Bucky forced a hesistant laughter, before he stuttered “Well, I-, umm, I mean....”

“Don’t you dare to try and break up again, Barnes” you gnarled as you felt him trying to stand up.

“No! It’s just...” he turned around to his nightstand, a small package hidden behind it. “I know it’s not much, but...This was supposed to be my gift for you.”

Suddenly, he jumped out of the bed - and fell on one knee.

“B-Bucky?”

All sense of words stumbled out of his brain, but he tried to pull himself together:

“I-I know I’m demanding much with this step, but...uh, probably not a good way to start, but - my therapist testified that I’m not able to fight any more. He convinced the UN to let me go, and..well, now that I’m finally free...I want to bind myself to the only person I willingly paid loyality to. You.”

He didn’t even end his speech, but you were already on the ground with him too, hugging Bucky so tightly he could think that you wanted to crush him. Your warm tears were wetting the skin on his neck before you started to cover him in kisses.

“That’s not everything! There’s a part two for my gift - I’ve talked to T’Challa, and bought a small farm in Wakanda. We’re safe there, even from HYDRA! I mean, only if you want-”

“Of course I want to, you dumbass!” you whimpered loudly, your eyes swollen from tears but not less captivating for him. You were the only one who’d look at him with those eyes - ones that didn’t see the Winter Soldier, the danger.

And like that, he remembered those past days trapped inside his own mind.

How kind and gentle you were, nevertheless. Every touch you comforted the broken Soldier with was lingering on his skin as he relived the memory. You were never afraid of him.

“Spending my life with you was all I ever wanted!” Your words made the ice around his heart melt in an instant, and all the doubts got washed away with it. Bucky looked at you - his future wife - before asking the question he already knew the answer to.

“Y/N, will you make me the most luckiest man in the galaxy...and marry me?”

If you want to get on the taglist feel free to ask! ♡

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[thedappleddragon]

I think this year I really do wanna try to write about what I did throughout the day like I did with my quarantine diary, but without the pressure of having to do it Every Singe Day. 

I continued sewing the paws I started yesterday until I got frustrated with the pattern and quit after several hours. last night I was watching youtube while working, but I kept pausing every time I used my sewing machine and forgetting to unpause sometimes so I'd be working in silence singing the same 2 verses of a sea shanty stuck in my head until I played it again. but today I discovered that if I just wear my headphones with a podcast playing, I can still hear it over the machine noise and I don't have to worry about pausing/unpausing/carrying my phone around so I can hear it :) I watched the first few episodes of TAZ that way and it made me think about how different TAZ and critical roll are lmao. speaking of dnd I found my folder of character sheets a couple days ago (?) and today my dm friend suggested we start playing again after a SUPER long hiatus. like MONTHS. I may need to rebuild my character from the ground up since I dont really know what the fuck im doing, but ill leave that for another time. I keep getting too many ideas for dnd builds lol. ANYWAY after temporarily giving up on the paws I hung around my kitchen and watched tiktoks in my room and got sad for a little bit until I booted up the sims 4. I've been playing with a could sims that have grown into a little family, Athena Harmonson the crime boss and Rosalai (idk how its spelt lmao) Underwood the comedian had their first daughter Liliana Harmwood and recently had TWINS Theo and Reneigh (idk if that's how its spelled either) Harmwood. All the names were randomized except for my combining of the two last names for the kids so idk how exactly they're spelling. I played for a few hours and I think I may need to move them into a bigger house. there was hardly room for Liliana as a kid (she didnt even have her own room, I just shoved her bed in a little alcove and gave her her own little corner) so idk how im gonna handle her as a teen plus two almost toddlers. and I made myself sad thinking about how Athena and Rosalai(?) are gonna die eventually and all the time I spent upping their skills and completing whims and moving them through their careers won't matter :( I guess I could use whatever lifetime reward points are called in this game to keep them as immortal adults but that would get hard as the family expands more and more. eh I'll figure it out. on another related note im pretty sure the fans in my MacBook are fuckng broken lol. I remember one day they were REALY loud and I just kinda. smacked my laptop a little bit to make the non-stop high pitched whirring stop and then I think they went back to normal? but now the dont fuckin work at all. there's never a breeze coming through the vents and it gets super hot so I keep it propped up on a box when I play instead of resting on my blankets to try and prevent excess heat trapping. I COULD get it fixed, or I could just ignore it until I eventually get a better laptop. of wait until I hear word from my brother about my other broken laptop that he gave to me but then it stopped charging for unknown reasons. idk. I think I maybe have bad luck with technology. or at least laptops specifically. but uhhhh anyway one been typing for way too long and none’s gonna read this which is totally fine by me because this is mostly to act as a personal archive anyway. but I do hope I'm able to write at least a little bit throughout the year about how my day goes to what im thinking about most days, because one of my fears is just forgetting who I am and what ive done and just letting time disappear and losing myself along with it. actually yeah I think thats like my greatest fear oops. anyway goodnight I love you mwah <3

[captainderyn]

The whole couple’s ask for Em and Risha because why not?

Going back to the original otp for my 1000 post, thanks for asking about these two nerds! @delavairesslegacy

I’m putting it mostly under a cut because it’s a lot of questions lmao.

For the couple:

1. What drew your character to their LI and vice versa?

For Emeldir it was her wit and just general attitude that drew him to her. He was intrigued and a little curious as to who Risha was and why she acted the way she did and he fell head over heels in the process of trying to figure her out. As for Risha, I’m going to have to say it was probably his willingness to go out of his way to help people even if it didn’t benefit him that drew her to him (even if it pisses her off sometimes, it is still what made her look at him outside of her imagined ‘oh he must just be a typical smuggler).

2. What was the first moment that they knew they were in love with their LI?

For Risha she didn’t realize she was in love with Emeldir until he stood by her through her wild goose chase of a quest to get her father out of carbonite, minimum questions asked after she expressed that she’d rather not reveal everything and then she found she couldn’t kill him. 

For Emeldir…god, I’m not sure. When he found himself missing her when they were separated between jobs, whhe found himself worrying about losing her when jobs start going bad. 

3. When they are having a fight, what is it about and how do they deal with it?

If they’re fighting (outside of the occasional normal life spats)  it probably has something to do with him putting aside a job to help people (whether that’s putting himself in unnecessary danger, losing a reward on a job they worked hard on just to help people, ect) and after things get heated they usually have to take some time away from each other to cool off before Emeldir usually tries to handle the problem less heatedly. 

4. Their favorite physical feature on each other?Is Emeldir’s accent a physical feature? No? Okay, well it’s probably his eyes for Risha. There’s something very intense about them and once she learns how to read him they’re her own secret window into his thoughts. 

For Emeldir…I don’t have an answer. Just *hand waving* Risha. 

5. How do they comfort each other when they are sad?

By just being near each other, talking if they want to. Emeldir tries his damndest to make Risha smile with his wealth of bad puns and terrible humor, but when that doesn’t work he’ll just gather her into his arms if she wants the contact. 

Risha runs her fingers through Emeldir’s hair if they’re close, there’s something soothing about it for both of them and any sort of contact seems to be comforting. 

If they aren’t stuck on their ship or somewhere absolutely gross they’ll go out somewhere, even if its just to walk. 

6. Who is the big spoon?

Emeldir, without question. 

7. Favorite date activity?

When they’re home on Coruscant they really like wandering the city, just looking for stuff to do or even just city/people watching. When they’re stuck on their ship or on the Alliance base it’s binging on their favorite holovids/holo shows. 

8. What are their most prominent memories of each other?

Going off of my own personal canon, Emeldir’s most prominent memory of Risha was originally a vivid memory of a night when both of them were on the bridge where he first saw the woman beneath the mask she wears. Now, I think it’s a just as vivid memory of when he saw her address the Alliance when he was first rescued from carbonite, where he saw how powerful she was and how much had changed. 

For Risha I think her most prominent memory of Emeldir if asked before KotFE was when they were with each other on Coruscant once, at night in the lights when he was just talking about things before smuggling. When they were both just people, no jobs, no overhanging galactic crisis, just them. Now her most vivid memory is caught between his goodbye to her before leaving for Marr’s ship and the last moments she got with him–just his voice–before Marr’s ship went up in flames. Not nearly as nice. 

9. How open are they with their feelings?

Emeldir is very open, he’s an open book no matter what. That changes a bit after KotFE but he’s still very open with Risha. Risha…isn’t nearly as open. It takes her awhile to warm up enough to Emeldir to really open that door to her feelings. 

10. Do they have pet names for each other?

Emeldir calls Risha ‘Rish’ affectionately but he doesn’t really have a pet name for her otherwise. 

Likewise, Risha calls him Deryn on a regular basis but that’s not really a pet name either….so I’d say no. 

11. Do they have any inside jokes?They have a lot of inside jokes regarding things they went through throughout the smuggler storyline, obscure references to crazy things that happened on planets that will have them both wheezing. No one else gets it, but they do. 

12. Do they have similar goals? If they clash, how do they deal?

Yes and no. Throughout their core story, they both want Skaavak taken care of. They both want the subsequential galactic conflicts resolved. They’re big goals usually aline fairly similarly. However its the way they go about getting to those goals or goals along the way they tend to clash on. Differences in ideas about how things should be dealt with and all. They deal with a bit of arguing over some things, but mostly try to give a little for each others goals. As long as it isn’t largely against the others beliefs they’ll usually help each other. 

13. How do they react to being away from each other?They’re pretty good at being away from each other, they try and holo each other on the regular and still try to talk to each other but both are quite good at focusing on whatever task they have to do. 

Being away from each other in the timeskip, being forced apart is quite another story that I can sum up with one word; “badly”. After that, they’re both a little more nervous being away from each other but cope in similar ways. 

14. Is there anything they associate with each other?

Emeldir associates, or more so can’t be on the Phoenix without thinking strongly of Risha. 

There are certain songs/types of music that Risha associates with Emeldir, especially (the star wars equivalent of) violin music as Emeldit played often at home and on his ship. 

15. Does their view of themselves differ from their partner’s view?

16. Jealous at all?

A little bit. Emeldir (unlike his in game self) isn’t a huge flirt outside of jokingly flirting with Risha so there’s not much jealousy to pop up there. There’s a little bit of jealousy for Rineld when that whole mess crops up, which Emeldir aggressively shoves away because he told himself he isn’t going to let his own feelings force Risha’s choice, but that mostly stems from him wondering if he’s not enough for Risha, that if he just doesn’t have the right standing to give her what she wants from life. 

17. Their ways of expressing their love.

Through the little things, what they say, the little actions they do. Maybe some more grand shows of their love on important days like their anniversary but usually small things that just the other will understand is what they do. 

18. Is there any way they disappoint each other?

Yes, there are ways they could disappoint each other and it stems largely from doing something awful by their own standards obviously, but even on a smaller scale breaking each other’s trust. 

19. Describe how they communicate

Surprisingly well for two people in the smuggling business. They’re pretty good–once they learn to trust each other and learn after a few mistakes–at approaching each other calm and collected if they have a problem instead of letting it fester. On the day to day though they banter and sass each other so much that it makes you wonder if they actually like each other. 

20. Did either person change at all, to be with their partner?

They didn’t actively change to make the other like them more. Over time they change as people though, as they get older. 

For the creator

21. Personally, do you think they are a good couple?

I’m a little biased, but yes I do. I think they fit really well together, even with Emeldir being drastically different than the in-game smuggler. 

22. From the outside looking in, what is their dynamic like?

Two sarcastic individuals that you never would think would work together snarking their way through the galaxy. Looking deeper their dynamic is that of two people who know each other as well as themselves and it’s like they’re too halves of a whole. 

23. Did you tailor your OC for the other in the romance?

In a way following the in-game romance did kind of tailor Emeldir to fit a certain type but that’s changed so much that no, not anymore. The Emeldir I have now wasn’t specifically chosen trait wise for Risha. 

24. Is there any moment that happens between them that you know happens and just makes you melt?

There are a lot of moments between them that I know happens that makes me melt lmao. But one that always gets me (which is funny, because I WROTE IT) is when Emeldir proposes to Risha. Because he doesn’t even outwrite propose he dances around the question on a whim and it’s surprisingly sweet.

25. Share any headcanons about their relationship.

Isn’t it funny how you have a ton of headcanons but when you’re asked to talk about them on command you just go blank? Just me? Anyways, 

26. How important is the romance in your OC’s overall story?

It isn’t the most important thing in his story, but come the latter half of his story Emeldir and Risha become each other’s rocks, the one consistent thing in their lives. 

27. What makes you excited about their relationship?

Their entire dynamic and the fact that they have such a great banter whenever I write them. They just click so well. 

28. Is there any similarities to your OC and LI’s relationship to one you have had IRL?

I don’t have a relationship IRL so no, I’m just setting my own standards impossibly high with fictional characters. 

29. What are your favorite moments that happen between them?

Besides when Emeldir not-quite-proposes? Well, I love their whole dynamic of commanding the Alliance together as well as my au where they basically stage a take over of the Republic Senate from Saresh. Basically, their dynamic and the way they compliment each other as a whole is my favorite thing. 

30. How does their love change as they get older?

It gets softer, not nearly as intense in the way it was when they were potentially in mortal peril every other week. 

31. Share anything you would like about the couple!

Well, Emeldir is 6′4 so continuing my trend of height differences…there is a height difference. And I love it. 

[mylittlesparklingshadows]

I’VE FINISHED UTAPRI S4, FINALLY. It felt that this show went on forever. Not that ogling bishies was a problem. 

The problem was the story wasn’t properly executed. I’d dropped at season 3 if it weren’t for the boys. But I already got this far. 

I actually appreciate the small bits of character development despite the poor narrative. But the ending was unfortunately underwhelming. It was all just sparkles and glitter. 

Even the finale songs weren’t that good (except for Quartet Night’s God’s Star), like Starish and Heavens sung better songs before. 

And I still can’t tolerate the CGI characters. Not to mention the animation dropped drastically by the last episodes. The creators could’ve just improved the animation at least. 

Oh well. I got into Utapri as a result of a whim. I suddenly wanted to go back to watching reverse harem anime. It’s also in my to-watch list for some time, but I was deeply into space/scifi anime since last year and never entertained the thought until now. Everything I watched were too serious so I wanted something pretty to look at without making my head go nuts about the plot. 

Did I get what I wanted? Hmm, maybe. I’ve never fangirled over pureblood bishounens like this in a long while. The last I remembered closest to this was Kuroko no Basket I watched a few years ago. Makes me feel so much younger again hehe. 

Anyways, I’ve also been playing the Utapri android game, Shining Live. It’s a decent rhythm game with pretty colorful visuals haha. Like the anime, I play it for the bishies and the songs. Whenever I hear a song that I like, I quickly go to google to download the mp3. There are a lot of songs that was never sung in the anime that I discovered this way. Some favourites are Welcome to Utapri and Still Still Still. 

The gacha aspect tho can be too tedious. I actually just got upset that I made the wrong choice in spending my hard-earned 300 prisms yesterday. I had to choose between the fruits photoshoot and the rainy day photoshoot. I chose the former coz that event ends the day after. However I only got to earn one SR photo (Ranmaru’s which is actually decent). It wasn’t worth the many hours I grinded to get the prisms haha. I got a bit cross. I suddenly don’t want to play anymore, but then I also wanted to get some photos from the rainy day event haha. In the end my love of bishies took over lmao.

Despite my frustrated feelings over the anime, I still find myself looking forward for the movie. Which ironically has started airing in Japan days ago. I could only hope that it will be better than the series, at least with a decent story please! And a bunch of cool songs and performances too. I’m already familiar with some songs from the trailer, from playing Shining Live. But the truth is that... I only wanna see the boys again! *laughs into oblivion*

[ksmingyu-blog]

*waves* late to the party is my middle name aight lets get this party started kiddos hihi I'm Koko and ecstatic to be here at last~ do come say hi to my slow ass and my unfortunate child Mingyu -- he's just gone through some rough stuff but hides it behind a confident indifference & smiles & being too into other people’s business etc you’ll see--

anyhoo profile here (wip tbh) & background.. to remain undisclosed cause it's trash you don't need it, live in the suspense ha. take a look at my rules tho thanks I'm working on the rest bear with me, a snail supreme. do proceed forward for some random tidbits of info I guess?? also come plot with me ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

so ye his family is mega rich and he's super spoiled always got what he wanted, mainly because he just asked for it ( nicely mind you he ain't one of those whiny sons of bishes ) and his parents were the worst they set little to no limits and apparently were incapable of denying him anything ever. not that he had to fight for stuff to begin with lmao

buuuut they were also very distant when it came to anything else other than making sure he was dutifully studying, which they put aggressive focus on. keyword 'aggressive'

used to accidentally say insensitive shit to people because he had no sense of tact back then honestly all his parents ever commented was how cute he was and gave him a pat on the head while sneering at the 'lesser beings' like what type of adulting

this all totally flew over his head though he never meant anything bad by the words and he just wanted to be friends with everyone and wished everyone was happy and had all the things he had bless this boy

he shared a lot of his stuff with his lil sis too simply because he wanted to. Mingyu adored her to space and back -- still does

the only loving, genuine, healthy and lasting relationship he's ever truly had is with his sister. would die for her. no hesitation.

literally his childhood as homeschooling started was just STUDYSTUDYSTUDY seven days a week his parents and teachers pretty much ran him to the ground before boy was even eight

he went to private schools for middle & high school. mostly focusing on studying still but as he had more freedom to do as he pleased without having anyone monitoring his every move he started making friends and stuff and wanting more-- it was a ride to say the least, he learned some wanted to befriend him just for his money which was hurtful tbh but also he doesn’t blame them?? much? only thing that really got to him in the long run was that everyone wanted something from him and had ulterior motives so he’s definitely prone to having some trust issues.

fast forward some years and his life is pretty much set for him by his parents and Mingyu has no say in it whatsoever, he will go to the school they picked ( paid their way in because honey you're great but we can't take risks this is very important for your future and interests... ) and major in what they want and get a damn scholarship if it kills him and he's realized there's no way out this is his price for having everything, he's living just to fulfil his parent’s goals and whims

so he acts like the good son and starts college and studies like mad because that's what he's accustomed to but also almost out of spite and sense of justice and wanting to show them-- show everyone who whispers behind his back about how he got into the school that he'll earn the grades by himself thank you very much

but he's so angry?? still?? and he's not the only one okay yeah so this small squad forms of all these justice seeking kids who never wanted this crycry ( i feel the need to point out Mingyu was partially happy to be in such a prestigious school but none of it was him ) and they start plotting all kinds of shit right yeah lets just say it got out of hand fast. real fast. if he learned something from the experience it was that money can buy you a whole lot of things, fun and pleasure, friends, but it doesn't buy you out of trouble. especially when it's made public-- BUT so hey keep in mind tho this was swept under the rug quick so it didn’t really spread anywhere.. save kids telling it forward but anyway you're curious aren't you hA keep guessing

he's humiliated, kicked out of the school right before Christmas, and now his parents are raging and a breath away from actually disowning him -- lbr they would neVER, just to save face. but they give him a last chance to redeem himself months later-- funny that, he's back to where he started, except in a worse school, with less value, less of everything, no friends ( not that he would call the ones from before any such now, fake hoes the lot of them ) and this time he has no support to speak of from anyone, much less parents beside a small fund ( let it be said this 'small fund' is still ridiculous compared to anyone struggling with their income like... his family has such distorted concept about spending money ) and orders on what they expect by the end of this school career at Keisung. namely that he's learned his lesson or some shit honestly Mingyu is over it by now he's just focusing on surviving and pawing way for himself and trying to find some resemblance of reason behind this entire farce

RELEVANT INFO;; throughout the 2 years he's never gone home for holidays, he never gets calls from his parents or anything else, only his sister keeps in contact with him regularly and has even visited ( in secret ). but his mom does text him when there's some important event he's expected to attend because they still expect certain things from him and his future. so he might be gone a random night and be EXREMELY moody/snappy/sensitive the next day...s. ye. it is not spoken of. don't ask. he wont tell anyway. it just fucks him up a lil, being any amount of time in the presence of his parents is like taking three steps back and he needs to bounce back from it. honestly this boy needs therapy. a way out. something. friends.

tbh he's in the way to becoming good in compartmentalizing, instead of dissociating which is.. good? I guess? progress??? like boy is so out of touch with his emotions to begin with don't even get me started-- it's kinda unstable progress all around he gets these pouts of sudden EMOTIONS and then tries to smother them bc he's so used to thinking he's not allowed to feel or express any of it

freshman year was utter hell for him, beside feeling dead exhausted over months of.. abuse, to put it nicely, and focusing more on healing and trying to adapt and keep afloat-- he also quickly learned to keep his mouth shut and stay in his corner and avoid any more trouble than he's been in already because it really did nothing to help his nerves-- the damage was done though and he was a target for a while until the storm calmed and he was more or less forgotten

just to twist the knife in his lungs his parents donated to the school and it was made public :)

by the end of the first year he made a resolution, refusing to step down and act a coward any longer, gaining back lost confidence ( be it fool's kind ) and tried to make himself an actual presence within the Inferiors, a title and group he detested before-- still does but tries to accept now cause there's little else he can do and isolating oneself is less than safe in this school. which is something he did throughout the first year pretty much. I mean a lot of it was also because he didn't have the energy to deal with people, needing space and shit

so yeah now as he's close to his junior year Mingyu has been making a name for himself sorta nothing grand but he's been more involved, more out there, giving less fucks yet still very cautious but that is only healthy in this environment

following that he's now stepping in as a second in command of the inferiors!! fun times I'm sure. also I totally assume the previous one was a senior who graduated? yeah roll with it

basically he tries to steer clear of conflicts while promoting healthy self assurance -- and not caring about what any jealous idiot spits at you-- giving a helping hand to the younger ones cause from own experience he's decided he might as well do something about this crappy social construct ruling the academy that does no good for anyone. but also if you come for him, if you come for ANY of them, he ain't gonna make it that easy

also he's a newly appointed student council treasurer, calling out shitty financial decisions by everyone and anyone cause while he likes to spend and throw his own money around ( old habits die hard ) for simple pleasures he's smart enough to know to do such only because he can afford to

he's totally a justified asshole about it too if you're trying to start beef when before he stayed silent and just took it now he's barking back he's taking none of that shit anymore oh you're a piss poor envious monkey too bad bye. all the while smiling cause he was raised with proper manners >_> but if you're really actually in need of money and ask nicely he might help. just might. not necessarily for free but ya know

joined the taekwondo class halfway through sophomore year. try him bitch. I dare. actually pls don't he's a sensitive soul in need of some lovin ha HA.

anyhoo backtracking to boyhood-- parents made him take piano lessons for no other reason that to boast BUT SIKE he really got into it and once he had that down he was allowed to pick another instrument. Lemme tell you he's basically a pro pianist he's taken lessons and played it for over 14 years-- except he stopped awhile back cause it's so.. bad memories. even tho he loves it?? it's just a mush of conflict ok. another one he's quite handy with is cello with more than 7 years of experience. tried violin for a good 2 years. later on got interested and switched to traditional korean instruments of which he's played the komungo about 6 years, and haegeum since he started at Keisung pretty much.

music is kinda like an escape. not kinda, IT IS.

his music taste is just all over the place too don't even ask me he likes all sorts of glitch hop and chill edm and synthwave and jazz and post-rock and hiphop meets classical and indie plus some kpop groups

speaking of, he's done a handful of piano and cello covers of popular and less so songs that he posted on youtube over some years back honhon

I'm absolutely going to make this a plot in the future someone should nudge him back into playing piano too, or better yet lure him into creating a band or some shit

has a decent singing voice, it's not trained despite having taken a few lessons but he's ridiculously insecure about it lmao you'll never catch him doing anything more than humming and mouthing words.

also his recommendation for any song mixing regardless of genre will deadass be "needs more stringstrument"

did ballet for 5 years could probably dropkick you without a hair out of place. not that he would. unless you give him reason to. that wasn't an invite

likes drinking, doesn't smoke, has tried party drugs here and there but--- as this all is part of what landed him in this mess he's a little more.. careful. 'little' being relative word here

motto might as well be "party hard, live harder" or something.  which isn't as healthy as it might sound

so music acts as a de-stressing tool sometimes but also sex works he's not picky-- I mean yes he is with bed partners if you don't know what you're doing don't even bother. kinda freaky. and mouthy. but very attentive?? I'm just. gonna. leave that as a notion.

a health preacher to a point, will bitch about everyone's unhealthy habits. regularly exercises and eats all his veggies too. but also the kind to forget to eat for hours cause he was "too busy studying".

gets headaches though if he overworks himself, prone to stressing when he's overwhelmed

he's lactose intolerant jsyk

drinks coffee like it's oxygen -- contrary to popular belief he's not a regular at the nearest Starbucks, but instead visits this smaller cafe that makes bomb sea salt cream iced coffee he orders with coconut cream & half coconut sugar half whatever flavored syrup he's craving, with 2 shots of espresso.... yes. pretentious as hell but it's tasty sue him

lovesloveslooooves to play overwatch! tho he's not the best when it comes to technique and stuff but it's just fun ey for those who know anything about the game his fav heroes be d.va ( obviously ) sombra, zenyatta, lucio & symmetra ( more lore wise than playing -- meanwhile mun is all up in her ass in both aspects )

idk this is a damn novel already you get the idea ye just come to me so we can plot uwu I’m totally down and in fact craving for some pre-est too *winkwink*

[dearyellow]

new nails

so I forgot to add my current obsessions in the last post... so here it is

current obsessions

To be honest, when I say current obsessions, it’s all mostly things that I been loving for several years now. Probably part of my character at this point since many of my friends pretty much know these things are part of my soul.  :^ )

Stranger things Billy and Steve - Honestly I don’t know how I stumbled on this ship??? Like, I’m not a huge fan of Stranger Things cause I felt like season 1 was just so damn slow but ??? this ship hit me like a truck and I don’t know who I am lmao. I think I was looking at sims 4 mods on tumblr while logged off and stumbled upon it on the explore page. 

Hannibal and Will - Okay, I have a problem where I watch TV shows years after they are canceled/dropped/finished and fall hard for the characters. Haikyuu was another example during college. So yes, Hannibal and Will. I mean there isn’t much to say because they fit character tropes that I like.

Stony (more so Tony Stark) - I been actually distancing myself away from this ship a bit, cause Endgame destroyed me. You know that feeling where you are like, really happy for them, but also like, it stiLL hURTS? Like, I’m so emo, but also I’m happy. I couldn’t even get myself to watch Far Away From Home cause I’d be just sobbing in the theater with Tom Holland as Peter Parker crying. I’ll get over myself, hopefully soon, cause I’m really missing my genius, billionaire, playboy, and philanthropist. Also, lol & rip Rogers’ character development.

Crime Junkies podcast -  Went through so many episodes while I was in S.K, it was a really good way to pass time in the bus/subway. Often times, when laying on the ground to go to sleep, a sense of dread chased my thoughts while listening so... that wasn’t really a good idea. I often forget I have anxiety (????) because I lived so long denying symptoms of anxiety and panic attacks hahaha.. I have been trying to listen to it in bed here, but unfortunately, I been falling asleep too fast and can’t remember even the first few minutes. 

Mindhunter on Netflix - I LoVeD the first season. Recommended it to N - they really enjoyed it as well. I told S they should watch it too, I need to check up with them to see if they did or not lol. I have been looking for a perfect time... or occasion to watch through season 2. I still haven’t decided if I want to watch it all in one sitting or episode by episode. First world problems haha.

painting my nails - Been doing this every week, now I can’t stop. Seeing my nails bare almost feels naked or incomplete at this point. If I see the slightest chip on a single nail, I have to immediate (or asap) repaint all my nails with another color. Weirdly, this makes me feel more like an adult with control over my life. (more than not doing it I guess.) 

Laneige Lip sleeping mask - Chapped lips? I don’t know them. I bought this on a whim before hopping on the plane, and honestly it’s so good I had to put it under obsessions than ‘things I enjoyed’. I put this on every night and I wake up with baby soft lips. Unfortunately(?), I have no one to share these lips with lmfao but I do enjoy it personally.