#i went to therapy i learned to not read things i know will upset me and thats why yall fatphobic anons will NEVER have power over me

[omgcatboi]

Fatphobic anons stop dumping your baggage that you refuse to work through in therapy ( get help bitch!! ) on my fat mutuals bc ur mad that u choose not to feel confident and fat like them so you try tear them down to build your shitty self up challenge: IMPOSSIBLE WHOPPER.

[continuous-spec]

Snippet from The Messages in Between Chapter 2. Garrus' message to Shepard during their six months apart. I broke my heart writing it.

[Garrus Vakarian - Draft Date AST: July 25th, 2186]

I’ve gotten more comm buoys out to increase the hard lines of communication. I will be pretty busy dealing with them and getting them up and running. Mom is back on Palaven. Treatments went well. She’s starting physical therapy. She’s really trying. 

I can’t believe I’m actually seeing her walk. 

[Garrus Vakarian - Draft Date AST: August 7th, 2186]

Okay, so I’ve learned from the best and started yelling. And the Hierarchy is listening again. My task force just doubled overnight and with more money. We have actual tangible stockpiles of food and medicine that could last us years in most of the colonies.

I’m finally getting somewhere on this, Shepard. 

[Garrus Vakarian - Draft Date AST: August 11th, 2186] 

Have you heard from Liara? I could really use her right now. The terminus system is giving us trouble on our comm buoys. I’m hoping she has a few contacts that could sort that out. She’s not answering, though. Remind you of anyone? 

[Garrus Vakarian - Draft Date AST: August 18th, 2186]

I’m this close to reaching out to Wrex for help. Maybe if I got him a bottle of Ryncol, he’d be cooperative? I’d save it for you, but we all know what happens when you get your hands on it, Shepard. And you know it would kill me. Wrex just seems like the safe choice for it. 

[Garrus Vakarian - Draft Date AST: August 24th, 2186] 

She’s in the hospital again. Spirits Shepard it’s bad. Something about her liver from the treatments.

I shouldn’t have hoped. 

[Garrus Vakarian - Draft Date AST: September 2nd, 2186] 

We just held her funeral.

At night, when the wildflowers bloom. An old Cirpritine superstition. Your spirit can’t reach safe passage without them. The flowers guide the spirits back to the grounds of Palaven for final rest. 

I’ve never seen the fields fuller than they were tonight. 

[Garrus Vakarian - Draft Date AST: September 2nd, 2186] 

On Omega, I thought I was going to die there and be stuck to haunt that rock.  Not exactly a lot of flowers flourish there. Thankfully I had you to pull me out.

I wish you were here with me now, Shepard. 

[Garrus Vakarian - Draft Date AST: September 5th, 2186] 

My mom’s name was Laesia Vakarian. She used to design ships for the turian military. Mainly she designed smaller military vessels, but she was so proud of her work. 

Did you know she wanted me to steal Normandy blueprints when I told her I joined? I’m only half-joking. She was pretty upset she wasn’t asked to be on the project. 

She said the Normandy was something she’d always hoped for, a true invention. 

She didn't care about C-Sec or that I quit. 

My joining made her so proud. She said I got to be part of the symbol of the best of what turian and humans can do together. That I was destined to do great things with the opportunity. She was right. But I’m hoping there’s more we can do with the Normandy. 

Her eyes lit up so much over that vid call when I told her I joined. That was the last time I saw her as truly herself.  

I was so hopeful I would have seen that again. I guess that is what I get for being greedy in my hope.   

I wish you could have met her in her better times. 

She would have liked you, Shepard. 

Read the rest on Ao3

[camkaza]

OK, I have been reading some sharing of feelings about Tim "always leaving". Could someone please explain to me apart from the break up, when did he always leave?

The break up was dumb, I understand this, I am anxious to find out how they will justify it when they get back together. Even though he is struggling mentally and I understand that you sometimes need to fix yourself before being with someone even if you love them.

However I do not see the Tim was a bad boyfriend to her throughout their relationship. He was Tim...

1. He gave her the time and space she needed to break up with Chris.

2. He did not flinch when she asked him to wait until they were intimate.

3. He went to get placed in a desk position - actual Tim I am always in the action Bradford.

4. He was shocked and upset Lucy had not told him about the 5 player trade, but when she explained her viewpoint, he realised she was right, of it is ego with such a macho guy, but he evolves and lets it go.

5. If he is so bad of a boyfriend he could have left that make a dream foundation kid to Lucy, instead he made it a team effort and personally I think that he just wanted to run a test for both of them as potential parents...

6. In fact each time Lucy jokes or not jokes about "our grandkids" or "our kids", Tim does not skip a beat and goes in immediately with "nice" or "our kids would never do that" or "you would keep loosing our kids"... For the ladies here who have had boyfriends who's souls have left their bodies at the mention of "our kids", you guys know that that Tim is a dream.

7. Being a softie only for Lucy, he knows he is.

Now the two biggens are 1. When he went home in 6x01 - was it wrong to leave, I do not know, sometimes when you leave you either want to de-escalate a situation, or you are hurt. The whole point is his trauma that he has that he does not even realise. (+ I know Kujo was thankful for that night off, that poor soul had not been fed since they started dating 😂)

2. The whole lead up to break up and actual break up. I do not even want to list or go into detail, we have suffered enough. Now here is where there is no defence. He did bad even with the whole I want to protect her thing, like Tim, we know, we love you for it but let it go, protect each other and heal each other.

A big issue I have though is people saying "he constantly leaves", "oh, he never really loved her", etc.

Lucy has grown up with therapy her whole life, she has coping mechanisms, recognition of patterns and the whole bag of tricks of psychology. And even then, she has difficult moments like any mortal human being.

Tim has had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING in terms of recognising his trauma or how to deal with it. This is something he starts learning that is why he is so surprised by it in 6x10.

This is a long analysis but then again the field is not number of words restricting me, so... 😂

I just hope that there is a good and I hate to say it but slower and therefore meaningful path to them being back together.

I think it will help if Lucy shares that she dated Nolan with Tim. Not only will it show that hey, we are all human and have not followed the book 1000 % but also I really want the comedic aftermath of that 😂

I would really hate to see a 3rd party love interest for either of them.... Let's face it they will do it even if it is "Lucy or Tim get jealous and at the end of the episode it turns out they never had any interest in the person".

I like Eric's idea of his mom coming in, maybe she helps him (aside from therapy) realise that he should be with the person he loves. Because let's face it he will need to go to therapy even after they get back together.

Ps: we all know that the break up was fabricated by the writers for plot and also to see us squirm.

I am still in the " Nathan how dare you post a pick with Melissa and Eric with an engagement ring in the background" phase.... I swear.... And the fact that Eric and Melissa participate in this "making us go crazy"....

Anyways those are my thoughts and if someone has any real, valid answers on the whole Tim was a bad boyfriend... Let me know, but please no hate.

[a-boca-do-inferno]

sex etiquette, free therapy & sincericide (david 8 x reader)

summary: David has many skills built into his design. Luckily for (y/n), trying is one of them.

warnings: swearing, nakedness, mentions of smut, slight angst, fluff

words: 1.0k

notes: hiii. i missed writing for him. could be read as a continuation to love or trust, or a standalone. either way i hope you enjoy x

David is oddly amusing after sex. He will awkwardly, although conceptually contradictory to his unhuman nature, walk to the bathroom and just stay there for a whole minute. Then he will come back — still without a word —, with his perfect naked body only illuminated by the low blue light in (y/n)’s quarters and frozen blue eyes that advert from hers at any cost. And it’s in that moment her gaze meets his, briefly, that sometimes she wonders if he ever regrets paying her those visits at night. 

Ever since the crew awakened, (y/n) couldn’t help but notice the difference of treatment David displayed between her and their colleagues. It was as subtle as a lingering touch whenever he brought her tea, or as blatant as his toothy smile directed at her whilst she studied some coordinates for the next expedition. Either way, it simply seemed impossible to escape the android’s overwhelming attention over herself. He hovered like a heavy cloud, but caused its opposite effect on the girl with his somewhat disconcerting warm presence. So, it was only natural their acquaintance would grow to be more intimate as time went on, resulting on that strange, casual relationship of theirs. 

It didn’t have a name or a clear goal. For now, (y/n) enjoyed his company — and his bedside manners, of course — very much and enough to want him around even after having sex. And that’s why his alien demeanour bothered her so much. Granted, this time she just had to speak up.  

“You always do that”, she muses. 

Sitting right next to her on the bed, mimicking the way her body is inclined on the headboard, David looks up at last. He has a neutral expression that turns into light confusion, flexing his eyebrows. “Always do what?” 

“You stand there, quiet, distant, as if you weren’t almost fucking me through a wall just now”, her tone is obviously comic, but it doesn’t seem to affect David that much. “I’m just kidding, by the way.” 

“I know”, he says, not really showing any sign of contempt. But then again, he never really did. His blonde hair is dishevelled and (y/n) puts it on place, causing him to flash her a smile before continuing, “and I am aware I have quite a lot to learn about sex etiquette.” 

“It’s more than that and you know it, David.” 

He frowns. “I don’t follow.” 

“Are you afraid?”, she then asks, taking a deep breath when the crease on his forehead only thickens. “Of us? Of me? Does this thing we have... I don’t know, frighten you?” 

His faint smile flutters a bit as his eyes travel the room. “I wouldn’t say fright. I believe I am incapable of experiencing such thing, as it is not in my design”, as low as his voice is, she can hear him clearly, yet his tone gives her nothing to consider. David is just plain about things, and although (y/n) appreciated his honesty, in that moment she only felt annoyed by it. Noticing her sour face, David inquires, “have I upset you with my words?” 

“Not really”, she shrugs, but fails to convince him of her lie. The girl sighs in defeat, closing her eyes for a second. “I just... I can’t understand how you can do what you do with me, hold me close, kiss me so passionate, and tell me that this is all just part of your design. It is not. I can’t... I can’t accept that.” 

“That is not what I meant, and you didn’t let me finish my sentence.” 

“So finish it.” 

 “You don’t frighten me, but I must admit I am uncertain of this relationship”, David explains, gazing intently at her. “You are aware of my limitations. I am not human, and I can’t provide you with the fulfilment a male of your species would and that which you probably will need, eventually. Emotional and physical wise.” 

(y/n) only hums in thought, nodding once. She then opens up her bathrobe, revealing her naked body to his eyes one more time. “What do you think when you look at me?”, she offers him a small grin, caressing her own curves as she waits for his answer. Some of his liquid remains still ran down her inner thighs and it almost aroused her again, but she contained herself. That question was important. 

David’s eyes scan her up and down as he states with a gravelly voice, “I think about having you for myself forever.” 

There is pause, and her insides burn with his words. (y/n) then scoffs, shaking her head as she covers herself again. “David, you can’t say things like that.” 

With genuinely curious eyes, he retorts, “why?” 

“Because I am alone in this giant piece of metal floating in middle of space for two years. And then you tell me this. How am I supposed to react?”  

“I simply responded your inquiry, (y/n)”, he mumbles, and there is no indignation to his voice. It is collected as ever, although his confused expression just gave way to a slightly more concerned one. “I don’t see how I could help your feelings, and I am truly sorry for that. However, perhaps... I could try.”  

“You can’t, David”, (y/n) sighs, taking his hand into her own. His pale fingers instantly curl against hers and she can’t hide a sad smile looking at them. “Nobody can, I guess. I’m just using you as my free therapist at this point, that’s all.”  

David stares at her for a moment and simply nods. “Do continue, then.”  

She shakes her head, another bitter smile painting her lips as she does so. “You know what? Forget I ever said anything, you’re right. You can’t and shouldn’t have to help me. Let’s just fuck again and call it a night.”  

David stops (y/n) halfway when she tries to straddle his body, raising his brows in a quick realization. “But I want to”, he whispers, squeezing her arms as he holds her in place. He then lets her continue to move onto his hips, pulling her close enough to feel her hot breath against his mouth. David grins at the surprise spread on her features, brushing their lips together, “do you?” 

They kiss, eventually, and his tongue takes her places (y/n) didn’t think were possible in the middle of nowhere. His embrace around her waist gives only enough room for her to catch her breath, before she rests her forehead over his. 

“Try me.” 

[manicpixiedreamedwins]

Sometimes I have thoughts of death.

I know I’m fine. I almost choked on my own vomit the other day and I was scared, so that probably means I’m fine and by all accounts not going to die. But I hate that all of this has catapulted me back to 2016.

I was doing really well before this. I went to therapy. I got my head sorted out right I thought. Then things got better just with the world and it almost seemed like things would really be okay for a minute.

They’re just not though. We’re back to queer baiting and the normalization of DV and settling and if we settle here our rights will probably backslide too and yes I’m catastrophizing and it’s late and I shouldn’t be doing this but what the Hell else am I supposed to do.

Everyone around me keeps hand waving and saying gay marriage will be fine and what the fuck do I have to be worried about. I hugged and hugged my elder queer friend in the supermarket the other day because he lived through California’s Prop 8. His marriage was annulled. He and his husband already HAD to leave once and get married again. That trauma is real for them. It’s real for us. I remember reading it on the news and making a million exit plans, then being so relieved when the SC ruled we’d never have to use them, to being back to making exit plans.

And maybe I wouldn’t be so upset about a stupid fucking show if I weren’t carrying all that, but I am is the thing. These are the things we’re carrying and we can’t just put them down so when more stuff gets piled on top these things are already there.

And then there’s the gaslighting— My mom was really bad about gaslighting— and I can already hear you. You think I don’t know what that means. That’s why I hardly ever talk about it. But she would do it because she thought raising kids was hard. She wouldn’t want to take us outside so she would just tell us a big storm was coming and couldn’t we hear the thunder, couldn’t we see that the sky was so dark?

Except there was no storm, and the sun was shining, and it was just that she didn’t like it when it was too hot or too cold or too muddy or too outdoorsy when she was hung over or sad or just apathetic about life.

I tell you this because I spent a long time learning to trust myself again, but now I’m carrying all of that.

So when people tell me “actually, you just made up all that stuff you saw in season one and S2 is totally in line with it” and I have to assertively go “no, I did not, and here are all the sources that suggest this is a departure” it’s a fresh wound all over again. It’s like pointing at the sun and begging your mom to please get up, look, please, just look out the window when you’re being told there’s a thunderstorm outside. And it’s fine because none of it matters anyway, but I know what gaslighting looks like and it’s just from a bunch of different angles this time.

Anyway. Sometimes people are crazy because we have a chemical imbalance in our brains, or we are too sad to keep on fighting forward. Sometimes we are crazy because we won’t keep playing the fucking game. Sometimes it’s all three. Guess I won the fucking lottery.

[whatdoeseverybodywant]

Just wanted to say I'm a silent reader here typically and am beyond private, but I remember the original to this and am reading this new version. You have me invested and hooked. I believe in Airielle's love for Jey and vice versa. There are some pieces that resonated with me heavily.

At the club, when Yara was there and interjecting, I was like, "Why is she still there?" I would love a world (a chapter) where Jey just shuts her down directly and emphatically (where Airielle may even hear it without him knowing). I'm one of those people where the who you messed around with matters when you're on a break (I'm complicated like that lol). He's chasing Airielle, or was until last chapter lol, but he needs to accept that he played into why Yara is acting how she is. Handle the problem.

I get the kiss between Airielle and Raymond hurt him, but I think he has to be real about why Yara and why he would even think hiding that could work. Like, Yara wouldn't be quiet about that lol. She popped out with Airielle at the door, man. She want to ask questions in IG stories, like no lol. Block her, sir.

Airielle can run into Method Man, Batman, Spiderman, Iron Man, it won't matter. Her "moving on" always lands her heartbroken, because she's not dealing with anything. Yes, it was just a kiss with Raymond, but you went to a spot that your ex and his family frequented. Like, Airielle lol. Kisses are intimate and can be a prelude for other things too. People break up for that alone sometimes.

She keeps pushing Jey away only to want to pull him back, or want him to pull her back in. I say this, because she breaks up with him and gets upset when he is entertaining Yara (cafeteria scene). Let him know beforehand, "I need us to slow down, but we're not seeing other people." She wants him to want things she's not ready for in some ways. I get that in so many ways, but that's also not fair.

Yes, he told her to stay away from Raymond, but speak up, Airielle. Be like, "I saw you and your new girl. Arm over her shoulder. My shoulder wants warmth too. Raymond wants to remedy that." How she feels is so valid. I also see that her voice is probably trapped, because that's how she survived her relationship with Christopher and that makes me so sad.

The love is there, but the fear is making for some questionable decision making. Until she learns to let people in so they can help her, until she learns to be direct and real about what she wants, she will always be disappointed and hurt. Method Man is a car salesman. Salespeople are great at selling dreams, that's all I'll say on that lol.

I'm rooting for Airielle the person / character, and for her and Jey as a couple. Jey wants to be to be loved so badly, to feel needed and wanted by the person he loves. He moves so quickly and has to walk before he races to the finish line. He needs to embrace accoubtability and transparency. So does she. They are two sides of the same coin. Airielle doesn't seem to know what to do with love. She doesn't trust it. She has so much of it to give though. Deep down, all they want is each other. My story friend just needs some prayer and therapy, because she been through it :)

Your dedication to this story is not unnoticed. Can't wait to see how we get to happily ever after. You spoiled me. I accept nothing less than a fairytale ending lol.

First of all.. I AM CRYING no fr. REAL TEARS. THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART. THIS INBOX HAS REALLY MADE MY DAY, NO LIE. 🫶🏽. I'M GOING TO TRY TO RESPOND TO SOME OF THE POINTS YOU MADE. (I'M NOT YELLING WITH THE CAPS LMAO I PROMISE 🫶🏽)

"I would love a world (a chapter) where Jey just shuts her down directly and emphatically (where Airielle may even hear it without him knowing)" ( ITS COMING. TRUST ME. JOSH GO PUT THAT HOE IN HER PLACE)

"She keeps pushing Jey away only to want to pull him back, or want him to pull her back in. I say this, because she breaks up with him and gets upset when he is entertaining Yara (cafeteria scene). Let him know beforehand, "I need us to slow down, but we're not seeing other people." She wants him to want things she's not ready for in some ways. I get that in so many ways, but that's also not fair. (AIRIELLE IS TERRIFIED OF BEING VULNERABLE TO ANOTHER MAN AGAIN. EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE TOGETHER AND HAPPY SHE WAS STILL HOLDING BACK FROM HIM.)

Yes, he told her to stay away from Raymond, but speak up, Airielle. Be like, "I saw you and your new girl. Arm over her shoulder. My shoulder wants warmth too. Raymond wants to remedy that." How she feels is so valid. I also see that her voice is probably trapped, because that's how she survived her relationship with Christopher and that makes me so sad." (AIRIELLE IS EXTREMELY COMPLICATED AND CAUTIOUS WHEN IT COMES TO LOVE AFTER CHRISTOPHER. SHE GAVE JOSH A CHANCE AND IT WAS HER FAULT THAT THEY BROKE UP AND YOU'RE RIGHT SHE COULD'VE SAID THAT THEY WERE NOT TO SEE OTHER PEOPLE BUT SHE COMPLICATED LOL. SHE KINDA FIGURED HE WOULD JUST KNOW THAT [ THIS WILL COME UP IN A LATER CHAPTER 😭] CHRISTOPHER DID EVERYTHING HE COULD TO BREAK HER DOWN. HE WANTED SOMEONE SUBMISSIVE AND COMPLIANT. )

"The love is there, but the fear is making for some questionable decision making. Until she learns to let people in so they can help her, until she learns to be direct and real about what she wants, she will always be disappointed and hurt. Method Man is a car salesman. Salespeople are great at selling dreams, that's all I'll say on that lol." (HER MAIN FEAR IS THAT EVERY MAN WILL BE LIKE CHRISTOPHER. IT TOOK HER 16 CHAPTERS TO EVER REALISE THAT SHE LOVED JOSH BUT SOMETHING WAS STILL NAGGING AT THE BACK OF HER MIND B/C THE SECOND HE ASKED HER TO MOVE IN- SHE DIPPED AND RAN)

"Your dedication to this story is not unnoticed. Can't wait to see how we get to happily ever after. You spoiled me. I accept nothing less than a fairytale ending lol". (I AM SO HAPPY YOU ARE ENJOYING THIS STORY, BOTH VERSIONS AND I LOVE YOUR FEEDBACK. IF YOU WANT TO SLIDE INTO MY MESSAGES, YOU ARE MORE THAN WELCOME. ❤️)

[honeyjars-sims]

Johnny's Journal Entry #1

This is something new I'm trying out. It's meant to give extra insight into what's going on in Johnny's head but isn't an actual story post. I will post these whenever I want to give more context.

For a full-page view of this journal entry, see it on blogspot (I will posting all of the entries here as well).

Transcript:

[Photo of a journal cover, labeled "This Journal Belongs to Johnny." It has various stickers and reads "if you read this I will CRY loudly" and "I'm serious, if you read this I will be very upset and it will be very uncomfortable for everyone."]

When I first moved in with my dads it was harder than I thought it would be. I wanted to get out of my mom's house so bad but it was still the only home I’d ever known.

I didn't know how to handle it, so I was either having emotional outbursts or avoiding everyone. Even Chantal.

[Stylized picture of Johnny meant to represent a drawing] Caption: artist interpretation of a sad boi in his natural habitat

My dads didn't really know what to do with me. I was basically begging for help but when they tried I just pushed them away. I didn’t know if I could trust them yet.

Chantal was a little different. She was able to fit in with the rest of the fam but that’s because she buried all of her feelings.

[A torn piece of paper reading "Happy birthday, baby! Love ya, Mom"] Caption: the last bday card I got from my mom. From when I turned twelve

Cece had to adjust too. Imagine all of a sudden having two new siblings.

She REALLY didn’t like me at first. She didn’t know about everything that happened to me, just that I was loud and emotional and Chantal wasn’t. She didn’t know Chantal was hurting too.

[Polaroid photo of Chantal and Cece as teenagers smiling, captioned "the unproblematic children"]

Of course, we all went to therapy. It took me and Chantal a long time to open up, but Dad and Pops learned how to help us feel safe and Cece was able to understand us better.

Things aren’t perfect and probably never will be, but it’s nice having people in my life I can trust.

[Polaroid photo of David, Solomon, Cece, Chantal, and Johnny all smiling, captioned "a mostly happy family"]

[gooseonthetable]

When I was 6 or 7, I would freak out if I didn't have easy access to a sink.

I hated my hands being sticky, it was just unbearable at all times. I still hate it.

It was because of this that I went to therapy and got diagnosed with OCD. I started exposure therapy the next week. I'm quite sure it was weekly.

The thing is, you can't expect a child to understand that exposure therapy is supposed to fit into their boundaries, because a small child is taught that they should do adults tell you, and as long as they do that, they're fine.

Saying "No" wasn't something I did often. Being told that I wasn't 'picky' or anything like it was nice, but I mainly didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

I think that's why I have such negative feelings towards exposure therapy. I tell people that I went to exposure therapy and they tell me that they want to go, to see if it would help them with ___. I have never seen it as helpful, though. I've always seen it as something I had to go through because of a condition I have.

Someone saying that they want to go to exposure therapy will always sound foreign. Strange. Confusing.

It's always a "Why would you want to?" feeling. There's not quite a word to describe it. Sort of an empty feeling, maybe.

It's like somebody had just told me they wanted to get stuck on the nether roof in a hardcore world.

...The therapist wasn't 'bad', I wouldn't say. I don't hate her. She wasn't a bad person, and she tried to adjust it to my age, I think.

I wish that the plan followed the 'one step at a time' idea, like I was told it was supposed to.

At my first day at therapy, I hid behind a chair. Because I was expected to eat food that had dropped on the ground, since 'normal kids' would be able to do that without qualms about it.

It's strange to be told that you shouldn't be upset about something that should seem disgusting to everyone. Not only is it the floor, but this was a therapists office. It's not a clean space to eat from.

I wouldn't always, or, usually, have time to eat before. I'd usually end up bringing a lunch or something like that. I'm pretty sure it was because this interrupted school, and I hadn't had lunchtime yet.

It's kind of odd to be told that since you are learning to accept things, that the thing that you brought, something you enjoyed, should be ruined on the ground before you ate it. Before you enjoyed it.

I quickly learned to eat in the car

I don't exactly know what this is about, but this is a better explanation of how I got diagnosed with OCD and what exposure therapy was like for me. There's more, but unfortunately it's 2:35 am, and I have school tomorrow

So, thanks for reading.

[doxolove]

I guess I do one of these every year on Tumblr since it's okay to yap behind a read more, but here's a review of my 2023. (tw: mental health, death mention)

I honestly don't know where this year went. I spent a good portion of it in crippling mental pain which was a wakeup call in a lot of ways. I went to therapy, I was serious about a self-help journey and freed myself from a tremendous amount of negativity. I learned to put value into my own needs, which has been a new concept as a whole. Codependency was ruining my life and it fucked up it's good share of connections along the way– I was finally sick of it.

I lost a lot of connections and people in my life, circumstantial or not. My grandmother also passed away and it brought in a whole new avenue to grieve. It's never been easy to say goodbye to people, I've let too many in the past long live their stay. I let people I was convinced cared for me unconditionally walk all over me on purpose. I gave too much of myself willingly to any and everyone I have met–

And now I'm finally feeling those repercussions. I'm mentally checked out more than ever, I can't focus on one thing for too long. I had to stop taking artwork commissions, I'm deeply struggling with my craft. I am incapable of letting someone in too close or even give them the appropriate energy, I'm overwhelmed with a lingering trauma I wish would go away already.

Even through all of that, I'm allowing myself to feel disappointed in others. The lack of communication is astounding me, how anyone would just let a decade+ friendship end because they couldn't conjure the strength to talk to me– or outside input influenced them, I just don't know. I'm disappointed in the people I had what seemed like healthy and chill relationships with just die because there was no urge to communicate (or again, most likely influenced)... It's just really upsetting. I don't know what made someone that assured me they had no issues with me start being a toxic asshole any time I was matched against them in pvp? It's all baffling. I wish it was easier to just ask what went wrong -- but I know sometimes it's nothing particularly logical. It just happens.

They all still haunt me, but I have learned most people don't actually want lasting or meaningful relationships and it was hard to come to terms with that. My science and fact-driven mind always wants to know why– but sometimes (most of the time) I'll never get to know that answer.

I still feel really broken, I'm not going to lie. I don't know how long I'm going to feel like this– but I've gained a newer appreciation for the people that are still in my life and understand that my social battery has deteriorated. I'm still learning how much energy to give to new people, but I am tired of being afraid to be social. The right ones are out there and it's not fair I rob myself of the chance of meeting more.

In summary, be kind to yourself going into 2024. You can try as many times as you need to, just go at your own pace. Surround yourself with individuals who reciprocate, communicate often. Not everything works out, and that's fine. I can only hope this next fever dream of a year will be a little better.

[likebreadandwine]

Hi, I'm the anon who asked for the audio you posted today. I'm coming off anon because anon feels too impersonal for me to thank you for something you put so much time, energy, and care into for me.

You creating this piece is seriously one of the kindest things anyone has ever done for me. I cried listening to it the first time because it's just... It's exactly what I've wanted and needed for the last two years since I learned I had an ED and started recovery. I will spare you my entire life story (if you want it for some reason, feel free to DM me), but suffice it to say, what you created from my prompt/request is so perfect and I'm still sitting here in disbelief and awe that what you said and how you said it showed more understanding of what I've been going through and what's been making recovery so hard for me than even some of the professionals I've tried to see for help. I know some people will listen to this and get off to it, and that's perfectly fine, but I just want to make sure you know that for me, this is something I'll be able to pop in earbuds and listen to when I'm having a hard time and feel like I don't deserve food or that I'm morally obligated to spend the rest of my life trying hopelessly to make myself smaller.

I genuinely don't know how to express how grateful I am to you. Thank you so much for being here, for making this, for being so kind and intelligent, and for making me feel like I deserve to get better.

One last thing: you mentioned in response to my ask about this that you've struggled with these things yourself before. I just want to say that my heart goes out to you and that you deserve to feel good in your body however it happens to be, too. I would be happy to be a listening ear if you ever need someone to talk to about it, and otherwise, please do your best to take care of yourself and acknowledge your own needs the same way you have for other people, like you did for me. Thank you again. 🫂

😭😭😭😭😭

now you're gonna make me cry.

I'm so glad and relieved it turned out to be what you wanted. I was anxious to get it right, and I did put a lot of time and care into it, because you deserve that. I think you're a good human. I don't want less of you in the world.

it means the world to me that this will be something you can listen to when you're having a hard time. and, oh gosh, for you to say it showed a real understanding of what you've been going through and what's been making recovery so hard 🥺 I can't think of a better compliment.

I consider this peer support. I've…well, I've never sought professional help and I haven't (until recently, maybe?) felt justified in claiming I had an ED…but I dug out some old journals not too long ago and was shocked and upset to read how I used to think/feel about my body, and other people's bodies, and food. it was gnarly.

I am okay now. in fact, I have a close friend who is currently in therapy getting support for an ED, and they asked me a few weeks ago if I would be all right talking with them about it. because we went to high school together, they saw how I struggled and also how I got through it, and they said that my current relationship with food is aspirational for them. they have other supportive people in their life, but they wanted to talk to someone who gets it. and I get it.

however I characterize or label my experience, the fact is, I was sick. I am okay now, but it's not something that just goes away. it is part of my history forever. I still have bad days. I am incredibly grateful for all the times I have showed up here and found my sadposts met with incredible kindness and generosity and folks gently encouraging me to have a snack and drink some water.

that's peer support! and it's invaluable.

all this to say, just…thank you for letting me do this for you. I'm really glad you asked. and I appreciate your kind words—I am taking care of myself, and I am taken care of.

gosh, we're long winded, okay well HIGH FIVE, HUGS, TAKE CARE come back anytime :)

[febreze-bottle-without-febreze]

New Geordi video you what that calls for some Geordi and Cutie headcanons!!!

�� Cutie is Sweetheart's adopted sibling

• Sweetheart and Cutie grew up together, even before Cutie was adopted sweetheart saw them as their younger siblings. Their family's were close and when Cutie parents kicked them out Sweetheart family took them in.

• Geordi has a prosthetic leg

• Angel and Geordi are bestie they also went to college and they work together

• Geordi and Lasko play D&D together

• Geordi refers to David as Angel's freakishly tall boyfriend (now husband)

• Cutie has book shelf field of books of ocean animals, whale sharks are their favorite.

• Geordi and Cutie have random and weird conversations in their heads

Geordi *quite I like quiet but not the awkward kind of quite god awkward silence sucks but this is not awkward this is nice I like nice*

Cutie *did you know an electric eel can produce enough electricity to light 10 electric light bulbs*

Geordi *wh- what!?*

• Geordi really dislike slimey food it just gross him out

• Cutie dresses like someone's dad during the summer the ugly hawaiian shirt and all

• Geordi and Cutie both wear glasses

Time for some ansty headcanons

• Cutie really hate when people touch them without asking or telling them the only people they're comfortable with touch them without asking are Geordi and their siblings

• Cutie doesn't talk to people often not even when they were a kid they rarely talked so they don't really pick up on social cues which leads them to be brutally honest and not really understanding others emotions so they prefer to read their thoughts so they don't upset people

• Geordi and Cutie hate people being upset or disappointed in them but try to avoided it in very different ways. Geordi try to avoid social interaction the best he can but Cutie well constantly say and I quote "you can't disappointed anyone if you're every thing they want" cause Cutie is the biggest people pleaser you'll ever meet their so scared of losing people to were they'll physically and mentally hurt themselves to pleases someone. I love you Cutie but please go to therapy

• cutie learned how to somewhat clok themselves when they're reading an empowered persons thoughts to were it feels like somethings in their head they just don't know what the people they can't do this to are D(a)emons, stealths and weirdly David

• Cutie changes their personality depending on who their talking to again "you can't disappointed anyone if you're every thing they want" they constantly read people thoughts so they can know what they want and who they want, they also do this to make sure people like them again their one of the biggest people pleaser you'll ever meet so most of their "friends" don't actually know Cutie they know the Cutie, Cutie let's them know, and to Geordi's surprises they started all of a sudden started acting like someone totally different from the Cutie he knows he was very confused

NPC "remember when you were scared of fish it was hilarious how scared you got when one swam next to you"

Cutie "still am guess they always kind of creeped me out"

Geordi *their lieing why are they lieing*

later

Geordi "why did you lie to them"

Cutie "what Oh that earlier they just think I'm scared of fish and I'll continue to let them think that even if it's no ture"

Geordi "oh okay"

• when Cutie get super mad or desired they'll start punching themselves in the head out of frustration or distress, they'll do it to the point where they'll either give themselves a cushion or knock themselves out

[rocco-ko]

Good omens S2 finale reaction (SPOILERS)

TW: suicide attempt, alcohol addiction (This one is quite triggering, people, read at your own risk)

Tell me, why did humans created fairy tales? You see, it is much more than just an entertainment. At all times we need some gentle little stories to tell us that whatever happens, there's something good in this world left, something which is worth fighting for and worth putting your faith in... We believe in fairy tales because reality sucks.

My reality sucked a great deal when I first discovered GO 4 years ago. After a suicide attempt I went to explore the world just to discover that I was way more broken than I thought. So I came back to my parents house just to became a full time alcoholic. That is when I watched Good omens for the first time. And you know, it would be a lie to say that it changed my life right away. No, at first, I couldn't even finish the first episode. I watched it few weeks later. Realization came afterwards. I discovered that I am queer and autistic, started learning how to draw, went to therapy, got accepted to another university, learned new language, started my first job and made friends for the first time at the age of 23.

When the most important person in my life died, I just kept watching fan made GO animation, that was the only thing which kept me going.

That tale consumed my life. I wanted to draw just to be able to draw GO fan art and I wanted a friend just to talk to somebody about that stupid ineffable love story. And that felt terrific.

The last 4 years weren't easy for me. Although, just like my wretched wonderful puppy Crowley in their burning Bentley - I knew that I had to finish my ride because it was my only option.

Yesterday, before watching s2, I wrote in my notebook "I won't be the same person I was before...".

I loved the second season... a lot. It was beautifully written and filmed, and it was one level above the first season (which was amazing). I don't think I have ever felt happier than seeing Crowley creating galaxies or have a smile so sincere as I had watching Aziraphale trying food for the first time. For me, they are not fictional characters. They are real. I live in their world and I have no intention of coming back.

So I finished Good omens S2 and... stayed up until 4 am... deleting their pictures, fan arts and all of the bookmarks with fanfics...

What I don't understand, is why doeseverybody now try to make relationship look clever, love – practical and fantasy.. well... real? What's up with this kind of toxic unhealthy trend among modern comedies (Ted Lasso and OFMD fans will surely understand what I mean)? We don't want brilliantly written angst. We want magic. Maybe stupid. Maybe naive. But honest and beautiful. We want to believe in angels and true love again.

That kindness, dorkiness, sweetness and faith – faith that there is going to be a new day, even after the end of the world – that is what made GO so special. I know, people try to reassure themselves that there's going to be the 3rd season, but you know what? I don't have another 4? 3? 2? years, I don't have faith anymore. I lost my best friend. I can't hear nightingales.

P.S. I didn't mean to upset anybody with my post. I wrote this only because I am badly traumatized and if somebody's got affected by this finale in a similar way... please... lets try and process this together because I am not sure I can handle it on my own.

[swamp-spirit]

Some thoughts about dark fiction and mental illness and being a bit too good at Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

I've been in therapy on and off since age 11, and pretty much every therapist has told me I'm very good at reasoning through my emotions.

In third grade, I started keeping a tin of Altoids by my bed. I didn't really like the taste of the peppermint ones, but when I worried too much to sleep, I pretended they were magic medicine that made all my worries go away.

In fifth grade, I understood that sometimes, all the color just went out of life and I stopped feeling happy. I kept thinking about how meaningless my life was. I didn't know this was called depression, but I understood it would pass.

I have been able to explain to every therapist why my emotions are irrational, why my life is wonderful and I am so grateful to have it.

This has never stopped those emotions. It helps. Over my thirty years of being Mentally Ill, I have learned many signs. When I feel like I've forgotten some Important, Terrible Thing, I know this is a lie my anxiety tells and no longer sift through everything I hate about myself to try to find the True Horrible Reason I loath myself so deeply. When every song on my Spotify seems to pulse with life, I recognize I am falling into mania, get lots of sleep, and watch my spending carefully. When I begin to read article after article on an issue that upsets me because I must Face the Horrible Truth, I recognize this is my OCD, admit what I'm doing to my wife, and ask for distraction. I take my meds. I do deep breathing. I carry stim toys.

The thing is, you can stare an emotion dead in the eyes. You can recognize it, explain it, and still feel it.

It turns out, after decades of your mind screaming that you are sad and afraid and telling those emotions they are irrational and unfair and only make you cruel and paranoid and selfish, some part of your brain learns to treat what you feel as unimportant.

I lost anger first. It's a secret, even to me, but I am a very angry person. I'm easily overstimulated, my nervous system is a skittish horse, and my emotional regulation is shot. I always try to see the other side of things. I usually can. This is good. I do not want to change this about myself, but it often means I direct my anger the only safe direction I can. It took me years to understand why I would self harm after arguments, because I wasn't angry, was I? I was, I'm learning. I am. I am angry. I don't know how to be angry.

These days, my body often knows how I feel before my brain, and my wife knows what my body is saying before I do.

"I don't understand why my pain's been so bad this week." "Love, you got fired last week and we can't afford our apartment anymore. You're upset." "Oh. I think I am."

I like angry characters. I like watching their anger be destructive and terrible and ruin their lives. I do not want to learn how to lash out, how to blame others for my raging emotions, how to hate without guilt, but I want to learn to be angry. Characters can be angry for me, ruin little pretend worlds for pretend reasons. They can be so much worse than I ever am and still be loved and forgiven.

I like it when characters are afraid and that fear is rational. Where they can scream and cry and fight because there ARE monsters lurking in the shadows. I can feel with them, inhabit a world where all my irrational emotions are rational, where there is no need for me to undermine or dismiss myself.

Sometimes, I feel the people who understand this the least are people who never question their own emotions, who assume if they hurt, they have been attacked, and if they have been attacked, they can do all the harm they want.

I am learning am slowly trying to relearn to use my atrophied emotions and not treat them like monsters that will swallow me the second I unchain them. In the meantime, I walk them through stories, slowly. You can hurt here. You can hate here. You can feel here.

[ancientevangelions]

I’m glad to hear you like to answer my asks! Sometimes I wonder if I’m bothering too much. But I do love to talk about NGE and hear your opinions

I’ve read your fic and it was so sweet. You can clearly see the characters personalities and flaws even if they live in a peaceful world. It like how they are high school sweethearts and went to therapy so now they can communicate better, though not perfectly. They’re 14 in the original and deprived of any emotional support, so of course there’s be a lot of miscommunication

Is the peaceful au you said you plan to write a prequel to Don't Toy with me Shinji Kun? Or is it a new work entirely? I’m very excited to read Asuka as Shinji’s tutor and their messy teenage years

Would Asuka be bothered that Shinji is bi, and think he’s a wimp because of that? I really don’t think so. Like many things in NGE, Shinji’s sexuality is left open to interpretation, but his many scenes with Kaworu give us a wide margin to imagine that he’s attracted to boys as well, or at least just to Kaworu. What I think would irritate Asuka is not that Shinji likes boys, but that Shinji likes someone else not her, whoever that person happens to be. “If I can't have you all to myself, then I don't want anything from you”.

After she starts realizing she has feelings for him, I doubt she’d like anyone growing closer to Shinji. And Kaworu being so close to Shinji and easy to talk to would unnerve her to no end. Maybe she’d think, “why can’t he talk to me like that?”. And she’d go batshit crazy if she found out about Shinji saying he loved Kaworu, whatever form of love it was supposed to be.

When I sent you that last ask about the love triangle, I was toying in my mind with a peaceful au where Asuka and Shinji have their failed first kiss like in canon, she’s upset with him, and right after that he starts talking more to Karowu as Asuka is maybe avoiding him? I’d love to see Asuka’s real time reaction to Shinji and Kaworu’s closeness and Shinji having to confront his feelings for both of them to finally choose Asuka. I’m sorry, this was too long. But I’d love to hear whatever you have to say about this dynamic!

This is so fun 💙

I grew up in the early 2000s so when I write, I often draw upon the experiences I had growing up. There was a lot of internalized homophobia, lack of sex education and other problems. I didn't know bi was a thing until I was almost 17. I came out as Asexual when I was 18 and figured out my gender identity when I was almost 28.

To me the complexity of human identity is so much fun to explore. Understanding yourself is a lot, for example attraction can be platonic, romantic, sexual, aesthetic, etc. Sorting out those feelings is a lot and even now sometimes I'm unsure of what I feel as an adult. For example: Kaworu and Shinji, is this a crush? Am I in love with you or the idea of you? Are we compatible or not?

I've never seen Asuka as homophobic, just jealous and lonely. As someone who had to learn how to live with jealousy and insecurity, I draw upon that in my writing as well. How do you deal with the person you love getting close to other people? How do you feel if your partner gets different support from others? It's hard to learn how to know which emotions to act on and to let go of insecurity. I think both Asuka and Shinji have a lot of emotional growth to do. Both would benefit from some education on boundaries and relationships too.

As for the last paragraph. I might have an idea…

[justahotmesshuman]

Wow. I had ten million thoughts as I showered tonight, courtesy of Lemon Kush. Each one I committed to memory.

Then I step out of the shower and promptly remember “I need to google how to tell when cystic acne is going away.” Out of all the cool and creative things I pondered, I thought about how weird it is to age and how wild skin can be, the firmness, the texture…the laugh lines embedded a little deeper.

Anyway.

I used to journal in early 00’s. Open diary.com was, god, looking back, what saved me. I had done therapy before and just TALKING never felt like enough. I wasn’t aware of any other modes of therapy, so each therapist I saw it was just the same “So, what do you want to talk about today?” I needed give and take, I wanted to be challenged and made to think.

The community of FD was awesome. I would spend all day reading others diaries, and my mind was blown over HOW many different people are out there. I made a really great internet friend, that I still haven’t met IRL, but we drifted away sometime in the last couple of years. The point is that open diary (or was it freeopendiary.com) became my therapy. I unloaded so much utter shit that my soul felt like it had taken a big dump. I could feel myself getting better.

Open diary.com (freeopen diary.com?) is gone. I tried logging in years ago and found the website was completely gone. Just an error page. It was toast. I had lost my past, the triumphs that occasionally happened and the agony of defeat were wiped clean. Not to mention that damn cover that was PAINSTAKINGLY DESIGNED. All that code I learned for sweet colors and sparkles, customized to my every whim.

I was upset, there went my therapy history but I was proof that working through things as you write is so wonderful and freeing that I eventually realized that i couldn’t see it. Past me tried. She was raw and real and on the cusp of becoming a whole human. The me now can look back and see that hurts were mended, truths discovered and it made me feel OKAY.

On “about me” page I didn’t write about myself, I just posted a song lyric and no matter the background or font size, those words stayed ever the same.

And so it’s now my tag line to this revamped tumblr. (Had to keep a separate one for my weird interests)

I need to write again and expand and try to learn lessons again and just come with authenticity.

Here’s me. Stream of consciousness, ADHD in a big way, former over-sharer.

“2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song

If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me

Threatening the life it belongs to

And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd

'Cause these words are my diary screaming out loud

And I know that you'll use them however you want to…” Anna Nalick

[andswarwrites]

Day 10

I've written about my mental health in bursts and starts over the years since I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but I’d like to start from the beginning and tell the story in its entirety, from the label "crazy" and how it affected me as a youth, to my roller coaster ride of highs and lows in my twenties, to my psychoses, my diagnosis, my therapy, and ultimately this period of stability I now cherish.  It's going to be a four-part-er I think, starting, as I said, with Part One: Stacey is Bipolar (a teenager with "mood swings")

Both of my parents are blonde and blue-eyed, so both of my siblings and I are blonde with blue eyes too.  Our family has heard a lot of blonde jokes.  Blonde is supposedly synonymous with airhead.  When someone would start telling blonde jokes, I would join in, because I wanted to show that I wasn't bothered by this brand of humor.  I learned at a young age that taking offense and getting upset is not as efficient as staying calm, and laughing at yourself along with people.

As a kid my playmate of choice was my best friend, but when we moved I only saw her from time to time, and my new neighbor was a little bit younger than me, and we didn't always get along.  Since I was homeschooled, and we lived in the country, I didn't experience playgrounds and bus rides the way my daughter did.  From hearing of her experiences, I don't feel I missed out on much.  I volunteered at my N-'s school library and I must say if I had attended primary school, I think I would have liked the library best.

I attended a little English school in Baie Comeau for Grades 7 and 8.  It had all grades, from Kindergarten to Grade 11.  At Recess, the littlest kids would traipse through the halls, and would bestow hugs on the High Schoolers.  I thought High School was rough, but honestly, that school was a kiddy pool compared to the schools I would attend in Grade 9.  I think my parents were wise to enroll me in that school.  My teachers told them I went around in a daze for the first three months.

I'd say my closest friend at that school was a girl who was one grade ahead of me.  Since certain grades didn't have enough students to fill a classroom (this was a tiny school), our classroom held two or even three grades.  My friend was thoughtful, quiet, calm, and I gravitated toward her.  She's the one who told me I had mood swings.  Apparently, this was normal teenager behavior. In Grade 9, I changed schools three times, and by the end of the year I was fed up and asked to be homeschooled again.

My mom didn't like it when people called me crazy.  I think they meant I was bubbly, hyper and impulsive.  And I could be.  I could also sit for hours with my nose stuck in a book.  When I was alone, I drew, I read, I wrote.  When I was in social groups I didn't know how to act.  I had a strange sense of never fitting in, and I didn't know why.  There must be something wrong with me, I decided, but I didn't want to let on that that was how I felt.  It was when I felt like I had no friends that I started long distance correspondence with two sisters.  We would send one another bricks of doodles, drawings and of course, eight to ten page letters.

One of the most profound things my psychiatrist told me while he was in the process of diagnosing me, was that bipolar disorder has nothing to do with personality.  Who I am as a person, who I always have been, is not tainted by my mental disorder.  All those times I identified as "crazy", as a defense mechanism because others used that label on me, it wasn't true.  At some point during my teenage years, I began to have "ups" and "downs".  I don't remember them, though, because my parents provided me with enough structure and support that I was able to remain relatively stable.

You see, bipolar disorder can make you manic or depressed.  You can either burst with energy and live on a "high", or you can crash and drag yourself around in a "low".  My highs weren't as apparent to my mom as my lows were, so she worried that I struggled with depression.  But then the low would pass, and she would be reassured.  I didn't clue in until my twenties that something was up, and even then I didn't seek professional help.  It wasn't because I didn't want to, it was because I didn't know how to go about consulting.

It's funny, I guess a mental disorder actually does classify me as "crazy", but I no longer use that label to identify myself.  When I was a teenager, I developed the habit of putting myself down as a defensive strategy, because I thought if I did it first, that would empty the arsenal of everyone else.  I was hyper focused on my flaws and failings, so I thought everyone else was too.  It took me a while to learn that no one is perfect, we all mess up, we all need to be forgiven, we all need to forgive.

If I can love others even when they're not perfect, why would I be the exception to that rule?  Why would I need to be perfect to be lovable?  Chasing perfection is unhealthy.  As a teen, I think my mental health was crushed under the weight of seeking to be perfect far more than it was affected by my bipolar disorder.  But my symptoms of bipolar disorder were going to worsen, until crisis point.  Like I said, my parents provided me with a lot of structure and support.  They kept me consistent, they helped me meet my goals.  But what would I do when I left home?  I'll tell that story tomorrow.