#i went through thousands of emotions after ep 10

[athousandbyeol]

i love the awkwardness between jiang tian and sheng wang. it feels so real and intimate. i just love how they're even more aware of each other right now. they become more sensitive, more attentive.

the yearning. the longing. the pining. the realisation. the acceptance. beautiful.

sheng wang's lingering gaze at their entwined hands—jiang tian subtly mulling over the loss of warmth from their intertwined fingers. it's perfect. the push and pull. the don't let go.

i think it's just what they truly need right now—that awkwardness. that sizzling desire finally resurfacing. no longer loitering underwater. it's just... heartwrenchingly breathtaking.

[noanunoparty]

18/01/23 ~ NTS Radio ~ Ryuichi Sakamoto Special

For the past 2 months I've listened to every album, soundtrack, composition, live recording that Ryuichi Sakamoto has made. There have been a lot of tears. A lot of reflection on life, on mortality, on social harmony and the environment. A loooot of emotions have been felt.

All of this research has solidified my respect for Sakamoto as an artist. A true pioneer. A maestro. Condensing his career into 2 hours has been difficult, but I hope you enjoy the show and my notes.

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Ryuichi Sakamoto has released over 20 solo studio albums, 10+ live albums, several compilation albums, over 40 EPs and singles, and about 48 soundtracks.

1978 - Thousand Knives - Plastic Bamboo

Sakamoto’s first solo album, created with the help of Hideki Matsutake who was known as the 4th member of YMO. The album fused electronic music with traditional Japanese sounds whilst incorporating elements of modern classical and reggae. 

On the album cover, from Taeko Onuki “I was told that the jacket he’s wearing was an Armani and chosen by Yukihiro. I had only known Sakamoto in jeans and rubber sandals and he said to me, “What do you think?!

2. 1980 - B-2 Unit - Riot in Lagos 

Sakamoto’s “edgiest” album. B-2 Unit birthed Riot In Lagos which is said to be an early example of electro. Several electro and hip hop artists were influenced by the album, especially Riot In Lagos. 

“Differencia" has, according to Fact, "relentless tumbling beats and a stabbing bass synth that foreshadows jungle by nearly a decade". Some tracks on the album also foreshadow genres such as IDM, broken beat, and industrial techno. For several tracks on the album, Sakamoto worked with Dennis Bovell, incorporating elements of afrobeat and dub. 

Another recommended track: E-3A

3. 1981 - Left-Handed Dream / Hidari Ude No Yume - Kacha Kucha Nee

Sakamoto wanted to record an album rooted in pop and created Left-Handed Dream (or Hidari Ude No Yume), which displays a variety of global influences through the instruments used - marimba, didgeridu, traditional Japanese instruments such as the sho and hichiriki flutes. The album showcased Sakamoto’s ability to seamlessly combine Eastern and Western sounds, strengthened through collaborating with Talking Heads guitarist Adrian Belew & co-producing with Robin Scott. 

Venezia would then become the Left Bank! 

4. 1982 - Bamboo Houses 

Sakamoto continues his long-standing collaboration with David Sylvian of Japan, Sylvian’s first solo project outside of the band. Featuring Steve Jansen on drums. 

5. 1983 - Merry Christmas Mr Lawrence Soundtrack - Forbidden Colours

Sakamoto’s first film score, for Merry Christmas Mr Lawrence which he also starred in alongside David Bowie. David Sylvian contributed lyrics and vocals on Forbidden Colours, which became a hit and a vocal version of the main theme, Merry Christmas Mr. Lawrence. The soundtrack won a BAFTA Award for Best Film Music in 1984. 

Another recommended track: Germination

6. 1984 - Ongaku Zukan - Etude

Ongaku Zukan was an experimental album with no deadline - created around Sakamoto’s incredibly busy schedule in 1983, which saw Yellow Magic Orchestra pause their group activities after an intense 8 years of recording and touring. Features from Hosono, Takahashi, Minako Yoshida and Tatsuro Yamashita. 

Sakamoto recalls he got started on the album without having a clear direction for its content: "Making an album without a blueprint...... it's an adventure to see what happens like when you embark on a sea voyage without a compass or chart. If you follow a blueprint, you will be able to record efficiently and in a short period, but I removed all of that and made it that way."

Sakamoto likens this production method to "automatic writing", which is known as one of the methods of surrealism:

"I went into the studio and recorded what came out without any prejudice...... I made it as if in a kind of trance. It could be something classical, it could be pop. Regardless of style and unity, the major premise was to accept everything that was made, so we created a lot of songs."

7. 1985 - Esperanto - A Rain Song 

Sakamoto’s 6th solo album, orginally composed for a performance by New York choreographer Molissa Fenley. An experiment with new sampler technology - apparently Sakamoto needed a huge computer to make this score. 

Another recommended track: A Wongga Dance Song

8. 1986 - Futurista - GT

Futurista (未来派野郎, translates literally as "Futurist Bastard") was created as a response to the Futurist Movement - an artistic and social movement originated in Italy. Mid 80-s avant-garde synthpop perfection! 

Sakamoto samples a lot throughout this album - G.T. samples “Legs” by Art of Noise. 

9. 1986 - Illustrated Musical Encyclopedia - Field Work (ft. Thomas Dolby)

The reissued English titled version of Ongaku Zukan, intended for the international market. It combines about half of the tracks from the 1984 album with newer singles "Steppin' Into Asia" and "Field Work” ft. Thomas Dolby.

10. 1987 - Neo Geo - Risky ft. Iggy Pop

The term "neo geo", or "new world", is derived from Sakamoto himself as a way to describe worldwide musical diversity in regard to genre (similar to world music and world beat). Again, showcasing Sakamoto’s ability to combine Eastern and Western musical styles. 

Bootsy Collins on bass! 

11. 1987 - The Last Emperor Soundtrack - First Coronation 

The soundtrack features 9 pieces composed by Sakamoto, 5 by David Byrne & 1 from Cong Su. The album won Best Original Score at the 1988 Academy Awards.

12. 1989 - Beauty - You Do Me

8th solo studio album, which sees his solo career begin to extend outside of Japan. Beauty is notable for its "collage of styles" that range from rock, techno, and classical to flamenco, African, and Japanese traditional, featuring a long list of collaborators.  

In discussing whether music is narrative and illustrative or an abstract medium, Sakamoto said, "I have visions sometimes when I'm writing contemporary music, even when it's very logical. For example, for one of my songs on the album Beauty, I was always having visions of Amazonian rainforests, a little plane flying very low over the trees. Trees, trees, trees, and some birds. But the title of the song is 'Calling from Tokyo'".

13. 1991 - Heartbeat - Rap to the World

Sequel from Beauty, still collaging sounds from all over the world, this time in an eclectic upbeat fashion. You can hear the dance music influences throughout this album, which is enforced through the credits - notably Towa Tei and Satoshi Tomiie. 

14. 1994 - Sweet Revenge - Same Dream, Same Destination

One of my least favourite Sakamoto albums - the strings are beautiful but a lot of the vocals miss for me. But this song + the cover is iconic! Maybe he was just gearing up for his next album, Smoochy. 

The album title refers to Sakamoto’s wish to bring a sense of melody back to the “rhythm-obsessed pop-world”.

15. 1995 - Smoochy - A Day In The Park

An exploration of the old world meeting the future - Sakamoto combines Latin tinged sounds, jazz and the possibilities of the internet through electronic experimentation with an “listening” approach running throughout Smoochy. 

16. 1996 - 1996 - Bibo no Aozora (Trio World Tour Live recording) 

1996 contains a selection of Sakamoto's most popular compositions plus two new compositions, all arranged for a standard piano trio. The arrangement of "Bibo no Aozora" that appears on this album has appeared in several film and television projects.

A concert, called Ryuichi Sakamoto Trio World Tour, was organised in 1996. This concert was played at 6 venues in Japan, and the Bunkamura Orchard Hall concert was live streamed on August 28, 1996 on the Internet, and was one of the first concerts to be streamed.

17. 1997 - Discord - Salvation 

Sakamoto’s first full length orchestral work, which sees him contrasting modern musical tools with traditional instruments. Amongst procrastination and self-imposed deadlines, Sakamoto wrote the four movements in Discord ("Grief," "Anger," "Prayer," "Salvation") in a month. He finished writing the last notes on the morning of the first rehearsal with the orchestra. 

Salvation features spoken word contributions from Laurie Anderson, DAvid Byrne, Patti Smith and Banana Yoshimoto. 

18. 1998 - BTTB (Back To the Basics) - Energy Flow

Sakamoto was stuck in a traffic jam and melody popped into his head. That melody would then become Opus - the opening track of his solo piano album, BTTB - Back To The Basics. BTTB & Discord see Sakamoto’s departure from his pop-tinged outputs as he returns to the piano. 

19. 2002 - Elephantism - Great Africa 

Elephantism stands out from the rest of Sakamoto’s discography as it’s his first venture into new-age, ambient sounds with elements of African musical styles, featuring field recordings. 

Elephantism is a reflection of Sakamoto’s life ethos, where he strives for world peace. In his search for harmony, he turns to nature - specifically the elephant. “Elephantism is the state of being compassionate, loyal and loving towards family and friends, and being understanding and generous in attitude toward other clans; it means being big and expansive in your outlook on life, not small and mean; it means showing thoughtful consideration, wisdom and dignity when necessary, but in equal measure showing powerful expression and emotion, and being, yes, a little wild and passionate now and then!”

20. 2002 - Works I - CM - Old I (Suntory 1983) 

Compilation of music written for various commercials (called CM in Japan), all works are from 1983 to 1984. Monopoly is a favourite (didn’t have enough time to include it in the show!) 

21. 2004 - Chasm - Ngo/Bitmix

Sakamoto’s 15th solo studio album. Chasm is experimental, combining the paion with ambient and glitch programming. Features contributions from Hosno and Takahasi, under their Sketch Show alias. 

22. 2005 - Insen - Avaol 

Sakamoto and Alva Noto’s second studio album - their collaboration began in 2002. “Both explore the potential for interaction and tension between electronic and acoustic instrumentation”.

23. 2009 - Out of Noise - composition 0919 

Sakamoto was one of a handful of concerned artists who took part in The Cape Farewell Project, where scientists joined with the creative community for a conference in Greenland to address and investigate global warming. During his stay in Greenland, Sakamoto made a number of field recordings that he incorporated into his album Out of Noise; the album is dominated by graceful, minimalist keyboard pieces punctuated by electronic noise, ambient sounds and bits of found voices.

24. 2017 - async - Zure

Sakamoto’s 19th studio album - his first one in 8 years since Out of Noise. It’s also his first full length solo record since recovering from throat cancer in 2015. During this 8 year “break” he felt uninspired with the composition process and focused on scoring films. Despite his recovery, Sakamoto thought that async would be his last album. "That’s why I tried to forget all the rules and forms, anything. I just wanted to put down just what I wanted to hear, just a sound or music, it doesn’t matter. This could be the last time."

He began making async in 2016 and completed it in 8 months. 

Async is unusually textural, featuring both acoustic and electronic elements plus samples recordings readings and field recordings of city streets. Sakamoto’s worries of death seep into the album, which were influenced by his experience with cancer and the many earthquakes and tsunamis in Japan in 2011. “We were warned about how our civilisation is fragile and how the force of nature is great."

25. 2023 - 12 - 20220123

Maybe one of Sakamoto’s most moving albums. 

His breath can heard throughout 12 like a metronome - keeping time, evoking the feeling of a warm embrace and making us are of how fleeting life is. It has a palpable level of intimacy to it, as if you’re in the room with him as he plays the piano. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ending on a few of my favourite Sakamoto quotes:

"I hate to divide the world -- East and West. Where is the edge? My music is much more melting."

"I want to be a citizen of the world. It sounds very hippie, but I like that."

[dvredevil-s-initivls]

i went full sob mode when i saw the realisation scene

no i can’t i fucking can’t i am still crying and the episode ended 10 mins ago. i’m still sobbing i swear to god this show-

the way that the ep starts with ellie doing her best trying to save joel and cuts to the flashback (essentially the entire episode??) in which she was so me for running with a walkman/headphones on. but also love the anger issues.

got carried away, anyways; the moment she realises the intruder is riley, the concern, sheer amazement, love and caring that’s translated on bella’s face is so real. imagine the person you have loved the most (ONLY PERSON YOU HAVE LOVED) comes back from 3 weeks vacation and YOU DIDN’T EVEN FUCKIN KNOW; also they’re your best friend but you are in love with them. THEN riley takes ellie on that “amazin’ fuckin’ night” and then drops the bomb on her??? like .. i can’t..

the feel of relief when you see a loved one after what you thought would be ‘it’ for them is such a complex emotion; and riley putting ellie through another complex emotion because she has to go away to a place she possibly could die and wouldn’t even tell or let ellie know?? it’s so painful and you can see it when riley gets up before the little dance scene, the fear and misunderstanding and concern in ellie just ~oozes~ out of her, but then; she gets knocked outta her thoughts and has her *i presume* first kiss.

(this is a little selfish for me to imply my own feelings but my first kiss *and lover* was my best friend. and the tension right after the kiss those two people share; one scared they’ll get absolutely harmed for being so vulnerable and the other person thinking that ‘i thought i would’ve done it first’; the concern laced withing ellie, ‘is she into me?? did i read our whole relationship/friendship wrong??? does she hate me??’ and riley just being like ‘what the fuck just happened.’ and ellie just going “what do we do now?” cuz she isn’t sure if riley is into her. and when she realises it, the smile on her face??? I STARTED CRYING THAT WAS ME THAT WAS ME THAT WAS ME 6 YEARS AGO NO I CANT I STARTED SOBBINGGGGG)

but also the fear in ellie when she realises both of them got bitten???????? THE TRAGEDYYYYYYY NO I CANNOTTTTT ????????

i swear these writers just wanted to make a couple thousand people cry their hearts out every fuckin monday i cannot.

[telomeke-bbs]

I actually think the first person to cross the tribal lines in bad buddy was Pran when he saved Pa. You can see afterwards he wanted to be the Jindapat kids’ friend even when he was told not to, but Pat pushed him aside and didn’t thank him after the incident and so his guard went back up and he talked about Pat ‘owing’ him. His olive branch offering also bookends the show as he saved Pa in episode 1 and buys Ming a gift from Singapore in episode 12 even though he knows/believes in both incidences he’ll probably gain nothing from it. Dissaya’s emotional abuse of Pran caused him to repress everything to please others and to protect himself. But his inherent kindness and selflessness always still shone through

Hi Anonymous! You're so right that the first one to cross tribal lines was Pran, jumping in selflessly to save Pa from drowning while poor Pat was too stunned to move. (And to anyone else reading, this comment is a reference to an earlier post on tribes and sides here. 😊)

I have to respectfully disagree with your observation about Pran's repression being caused by emotional abuse from Dissaya though; the only time we see her flare up at Pran (and it was admittedly a doozy) was the one time in Ep.10. I do agree she can be harsh and over-protective, but for the most part I can't picture her being abusive to Pran whom she loves so much.

Actually, we only see Dissaya turn into the flame-spewing dragon version of herself whenever Ming or his family are somehow involved (and this was invoked when Pran confessed that he and Pat were in a relationship during their Ep.10 confrontation). At all other times within the family home, Dissaya is the very soul of tenderness with her beloved Pran – for example, during the two scenes of them at the Siridechawat dining table (in Ep.1 and Ep.7), and also in Ep.12.

It's possible she could have gone ballistic at Pran during his childhood/adolescence whenever the Jindapats were involved, but I prefer to think that their Ep.10 confrontation was more a one-off in terms of intensity, and that it only escalated to that level because Pran was newly confident from being in love, and was now sassing her back. This would explain why he also found it so terribly devastating when she lashed out, if she'd never done it so violently before (verbally or physically). I think Pran only became the emotionally-repressed version of himself that we see in earlier episodes because he learnt from Dissaya that great dangers lurked outside, emphasized by her always exaggerated and outsized reactions to the Jindapats.

Thanks very much for pointing out the lovely parallel with Pran's gift to Ming in Ep.12! I hadn't noticed it before, so that was a nice discovery for me. 😊

Actually, Pran's gift of alcohol in Ep.12 made me put on my thinking hat again, and looking more closely I believe it's actually really loaded with significance.

Once again, this references the Jindapat family's Thai-Chinese roots, and Ming's portrayal in the series as a Chinese traditionalist.

Alcohol and liquor have a special place in traditional Chinese culture (which is ironic, given the prevalence of the Asian flush). There are all sorts of associations and symbolisms assigned to liquor, wine and spirits in Chinese literature and poetry dating back thousands of years. This significance of alcohol has persisted to the present day, and as with many aspects of Chinese culture, can also come into play when navigating the complex rituals addressing social hierarchy. In the China of today, hard drinking with business clients is still seen as an essential part of relationship-building (although there has been recent pushback); in drinking the liquor, you honor the client, while refusing alcohol that a client offers to you during a drinking/dining session is tremendously insulting to him/her. (A teetotaler friend of mine found this out the hard way.) If you'd like to read more, there are plenty of articles floating around the Internet (some links: Literary Lushes, Understanding Drinking Culture in China and Work Drinking in China Comes Under Fire).

As the Siridechawats are not (or do not identify as) ethnic Chinese (depicted very clearly when Pat and Pran's moms have their Ep.1 "Baby boy, call me Ma/Mae" dispute in the street), Pran's gift of prized, quality alcohol specifically to Ming is really significant because it is such an esteemed gift for a Chinese patriarch from someone not bound by the same traditions, and Ming understands this. (That the alcohol is meant for Ming is mentioned by Pran during the scene at the wonton noodle stall in Ep.12 [3I4]. And we are also shown that Pat too understands the significance of Pran's gift – he stops the teasing banter they'd been engaging in up to that point, and nods emphatically at Pran at Ep.12 [3I4] 13.44 with perhaps a note of pride in his half-smile. Pran didn't forget the rest of the Jindapats though; there are snacks for them too in the bags from Singapore that we see in Ep.12, also highlighting Pran's thoughtfulness – and I'm also trusting in his good taste to have avoided buying the durian-flavored chocolate mini-Merlions. Abominations. 😂)

What we're seeing is Pran, as the partner of Pat, being the dutiful son-in-law and honoring his Chinese father-in-law with a culturally very appropriate and meaningful gift, even though he has every reason to believe the gift will not be acknowledged as such (and even though their relationship itself is not formally acknowledged, i.e., Pran is not considered part of the Jindapat family and is not officially a son-in-law). Pran's alienation is not because he is gay; we're shown that Ink has been happily welcomed into the family as Pa's lesbian partner (with Ink addressing Ming using the Chinese honorific for "father" at Ep.12 [4/4] 0.25 and Pat's mom going "It's like we have two daughters now" at Ep.12 [4/4] 3.43). Rather, it's because Pran is from the enemy Siridechawat tribe (but we all knew that already 😊).

Nonetheless, we are then shown that Pran's alienation isn't a complete one. When Ming takes a sip of the liquor later on, it's not because he's a secret alcoholic, or just can't resist its great flavor.

I think Ming (knowing full well the gift is from Pran) has been so moved by Pran's gesture honoring him and his traditions that in drinking he signals tacitly not just that he accepts the gift, but that he also symbolically accepts Pran as his son-in-law (although he's probably never going to admit it out loud). 💖 To Ming, this is not just any old gift – it is one that resonates with deep cultural echoes, from someone outside their tribe and traditions whom he treated so despicably, but who still cares enough to do correct thing by offering respect to the patriarch and father of his spouse. In doing so, Pran has also shown respect for the traditions that Ming holds dear, and his unselfish gift across tribal lines comes even when the very traditions it embodies were what caused them so much anguish in the first place (see this analysis here for more explanation).

And this is when we get a glimpse of Ming quietly admitting some of the guilt he feels in allowing tradition to dictate so much in their lives at the expense of their happiness, and is also why he softens just a bit and redelivers the misdirected mail to the Siridechawats later on.

So it really was an olive branch across tribal lines, initiating a stepdown in the warfare between the two families. 😊

Eep. I've rambled on too long as usual. But thanks so much for pointing me to this, Anonymous! I hadn't fully worked out the significance of Pran's gift before, and it's really thanks to your comment here that I have a better understanding of Ep.12 and the thawing that we see in Ming. You've given me a gift here. 😊 💖

[gasp-iwrotesomething]

Four Minutes Too Late (SFW)

Summary: MC had four minutes to bring him back; what she thought to be enough time. She was horrifically wrong. Now, after returning home numb from her failure, MC’s heart chips at the last note he left for her... and she wishes she could sock him one last time. 

Word Count: 1,928

Genre: Angst (SFW)

Warning(s): MAJOR SPOILERS FOR CAL S2, EPS 10-12, mentions of death, a bunch of angst

A/N: Here’s an alternate version of the finale of Cal North’s season 2 where the resurrection fails and MC reads the note he wrote to her. The idea of this is right up my alley for severe angst so enjoy this heartbreaking fic as much as you can.

Also inspired by the this post by @official-alex-cyprin.

MC couldn’t keep still.

Despite the numbness infecting her body, MC’s legs continued to carry around the room as she paces restlessly. How could she rest? Cal was dead. He was gone and he would never come back. MC had repeated that a thousand times over in her head at this point but somehow, after stating this in the space and comfort of her room, it still rattles her from the inside out. First with her heart shuddering and crying with the truth at hand, then the tears that prick her eyes goading her to actually cry. I failed. I failed him. And he had to suffer the consequences. She shuts her eyes against the intense waves of guilt and frustration and sadness that all lap at her, tugging and knotting her heartstrings sordidly. As morbid as it sounded, it was true; no one could convince her otherwise. Cal had sought her out specifically--asked for her assistance and utter trust--and relied on her to do her part. Bring him back to life. But she didn’t. MC tried with every ounce of her being to focus on breathing life back into him, conduct CPR until his chest moved, stab the adrenaline shot into his heart until she could feel the dull thump of it against her fingertips... But nothing happened. Thirty seconds passed--nothing. Then a minute--nothing--then two, then three, then four until Wrath had to pull her away--drag her back into reality and relay the message that it was too late. Cal was gone.

MC collapses backwards onto her bed as more guilt swamps her. What about Avi? The little boy had no idea what Cal had been planning and now that the plan failed, how in the hell would the troupe be able to break the news to him? He was so small and pure and spared from the hard travesties of life; with Cal there to raise and monitor him, Avi never had to experience loss or true grief. And now he had to face all of those inevitable feelings with the loss of his legal guardian--the person who he saw everyday and who he loved most of all. Avi would experience grief from the person who had gone through hell and back to assure that Avi never went through the past he had lived through. That shred of happiness was gone; stolen right from under his feet like it was nothing--like Cal was nothing. That, more than any other revelation MC experienced, is what tears her heart into ribbons. She couldn’t wash her mind clean of the last moments of Cal’s life--the look of regret and longing. The feeling that there was something that should’ve been said--something that should’ve been shared between the two of them. It was almost a physical thing wedged between them, thickening the air and wrapping around them like a blanket of urgency. MC recalled how she wondered if they’d ever break that silence between the two of them; wondered if this was the last fragment of regret she’d have to tote for the rest of her life if she failed.

And she did, and now the blanket was hopeless around her shoulders.

MC heaved a quavering sigh. How was she supposed to live with that? Live with the fact that she never got to tell him how she felt? That she never gave him the chance to speak his heart? Was that even a possible thing to do? The answer is turbid, unable to be fruitful to her aching chest, and she palms the tears gathering in her brown eyes. Was Cal’s death really her fault? Of course it was--she had been in charge of resuscitating him after all. And that wasn’t even the most morbid cluster of the guilt buzzing within her rib cage. MC had seen him take his last breath, felt the last essence of life leave his body; she had seen the blue of his eyes dull as they closed for the final time. She watched him sip the venom and she felt his heart slow and then stop against her hand. MC had felt his blood on her fingers, felt the lively warmth of it as Cal stilled and passed on to wherever he was destined to go. She had been the last thing Cal saw right before he died. The thought sickens her. Though it should be beneficial to her consolation process, it just made her want to bend the rules of reality and rewind time. I shouldn’t have been the last person Cal saw: it should’ve been Avi. It should’ve been Avi, for god’s sake!

Cal loved Avi more than anything and to pass without seeing him again--for the last time? MC couldn’t even fathom the prospect of it, her pulse twittering in her chest painfully. But Avi watching Cal die wasn’t something that should’ve happened; he’s a kid, he doesn’t deserve to have that mental image ingrained in his head for the rest of his life. MC retracts her wishes almost as fast as she forms them. Cal wanted Avi to live a life devoid of the sinister life of being a demon hunter--he wanted him to grow up a way that Cal didn’t get to. Avi seeing Cal dead didn’t align with Cal’s moral compass or even his goals for Avi. The least MC and the troupe could do was carry on his intentions and raise Avi just the way he did; to be a kid without a care in the world. MC presses the heel of her hand against her closed eyes. If only I had enough time... I could’ve prevented this whole fiasco. I could’ve saved Cal and he could be with Avi right now, happy and safe. We could break the wall between him and I and spread our feelings out on the table--be truthful with one another. MC descends into a spiral of ‘what if’s’, picturing a life--a reality--where Cal and her could be together. Where everyone was happy--where no grief or loss or Cal-lessness existed. 

Then she bolts upward as she remembers the note Cal had left for her.

MC’s heart races and trips and stumbles in her chest. For an earth-shattering moment, MC isn’t weakened by her everlasting grief; there’s just anticipation and giddiness, a storm of butterflies whisking around her belly. The note! How could I have forgotten about the note?! She mentally slaps herself for her idiocy and then rummages through her pocket, producing the envelope with the tiny, pleading writing scrawled on the outside. He had been so adamant that I don’t open this if it does work... what did he want me to see? The curiosity fluttering through her heart becomes more belligerent as her fingernail shimmies under the flap of the envelope, sliding to the left and summoning a gentle ripping sound to fill the air. It’s most tense during the long and surprisingly robust sound; as if mirroring the rhapsody of patter her heart sings. The flap flutters loose, gifting MC with access to the contents within. A note with a yellow tinge peeks at her from over the ‘v’ of the envelope. There it is. The note Cal wants me to read now that he’s... MC’s internal monologue fades off as the knot in her throat tightens--how was she supposed to read the note and not break down? Just thinking about the deceased gunslinger has her heart aching like it did when he had passed--more specifically, when the four minutes passed on. 

She slips the note from its bed of ivory white paper and carefully unfolds it, her heart beating so fast as if it was about to break free from her chest. She had no idea what would be inside--what Cal would’ve wrote--and what exactly would it change? Unless it was some voodoo spell that could resurrect Cal if she recited aloud, MC doubted that the contents would do anything to heal the tear that still scathed her. The paper unfurls in her hands, inviting her eyes in, giving passage to the few words that were scrawled in big yet careful letters.

I want to kiss you.

MC doesn’t move. In fact, she stills, her brown eyes traveling over every curve and line like it would all disperse into something else--something she didn’t even know. The realization thwacks her once it comes and as soon as it does, MC’s mind whirls with the implications--the possibilities. Cal wanted to... kiss me? A roll of warm emotions uncurl within her--like a long elegant carpet stitched in the classic style of a quilt--and her hand instinctively rises to her chest. So he had feelings for her too. All along, Cal had-! MC wanted to punch something, preferably the gunslinger himself, for leaving her with a dream that would never be. A dream that died along with him that night. With a shaking sigh, MC laughs--first lightly, then louder, hoping that letting it out would alleviate the pain that crowded her rib cage. It doesn’t, to say the least; all it does is heighten the urge to cry to the point where she’s laughing and vigorously scrubbing the tears gathering in her tear ducts. Now she looked like some kind of lunatic from a generic horror film--laughing and crying like she’d never known what a normal emotion felt like. Of course Cal would leave me hanging like this; why did I expect any sort of relief? But there was relief--relief that the connection between them wasn’t just a thread visible to only MC (and the rest of the troupe), but was also tangible to Cal as well. Maybe she should’ve been content with that; able to melt into a sense of giddiness that they both had feelings for one another. That there was an understatement between them of more. Maybe that was enough. But it’s not enough--god, why can’t it be enough? She was selfish to not be happy with the last thing Cal left for her--that was her first instinct--but how could she? She had been shown a future that she’d never get but had always wanted. 

MC slumps. She didn’t know how to feel about this anymore. Should she cry out of joy or cry out of misery--out of grief? MC didn’t even know if there was a right answer to that. For a moment, MC stares at the note, unable to do anything else. Then, tentatively, MC raises the piece of paper up to her lips. She kissed the note gingerly as if it were Cal's mouth, her heart full yet so empty. In her mind, she wonders how the kiss would be between the two of them. How Cal reacted, how he tasted, how his breath smelled, how soft his lips were, how warm her chest would grow... The curse of his absence settles into her fantasies and her heart ripped apart again--torn. She’d never be able to kiss him--never, no matter how much she wished otherwise. All MC could do was hope that wherever Cal was right now, above or below, that he felt the kiss.

Heard her heart's mournful orchestra and knew that it played for him alone.

Knew that she felt the same as he did for her.

That Cal knew that she wanted to kiss him too.

And that she would if she could--a thousand times over until his mouth never knew what it felt like to be unkissed.

“I’m sorry,” She murmurs softly, that hope that he’d hear it a flower flourishing in the ecosystem of her heart.

“I’m so, so, sorry, Cal.”

~FIN~

[republictrooper]

Thoughts on Discovery S3E4

I am so happy to see so much of Hugh. I always feel like he gets less of a spotlight than he should, he’s DELIGHTFUL and he deserves it after that bullshit they pulled with him back in Season 1. 

(Cut for spoilers beyond this point)

And his speech at the start of the episode was SPOT ON. That “Surviving can turn into living again” thing. Oof. I have BEEN there and I love to see it acknowledged. 

I also appreciate that Hugh has as snarky a bedside manner with Adira as he does with Paul (Seriously, they should just officially adopt them at this point CMON).

Also, are they just straight up gonna make him the ship’s counselor? I’m not 100% sure on how good an example it is if he’s just suddenly ship’s counselor with the requisite degree/training, but gosh, it was nice to see him in kind of a quasi-counselor role. It fits him very well.

I also continue to LOVE Adira. They have a good heart, and just the right amount of snarky teenage rebellion, and I really love that their relationships with Michael and Hugh are shaping up to be just and entertaining and heartwarming as their relationship with Paul.

Interesting to see the first appearance of Zora! It makes me a little taken aback, though. Does this mean Discovery gets abandoned like we saw in the Calypso Short Trek this season? If so, that’s kind of a bummer, given it implies that the Federation is going to revert to the Vdraysh again over X years. Then again, maybe that was just a temporary abandon ship by Saru and they come right back and they’ll retcon/”Clarify” that Zora was never abandoned for a thousand years and just has some internal clock inconsistencies from the time leap? It would kind of destroy the emotional core of Calypso a bit, but would at least tie up some bows and mean we keep the Discovery we know and love instead of getting a new ship just to satisfy the parameters of a 10 minute mini-ep that may or may not have been planned to coincide with the time jump storyline of s2/s3 in the first place. 

Regardless, I love Zora and I hope she gets a happy ending, dammit. And I hate the idea that her story might end abandoned in a nebula with Michael’s mission to reform the Federation ultimately doomed to failure and a reversion to some warlike V’draysh. And I can understand if they decide to give the crew a shiny new 29th century discovery but I LIKE the current ship :(

On the plus side, Saru seems to trust her as of the end of this ep, so I’m hopeful they’re “retcon”/clarify Calypso away from the “Discovery was abandoned for 1k+ years” thing that episode originally seemed to imply.

On the other end of that, Saru remains an awkward turtle duck, and I love him for that. I’m glad he listened to Zora’s advice, even if it didn't turn out well. This crew needs a COUNSELOR, ugh ;_;

Still, the follow up was nice, and that Tilly & Saru scene shows both why Saru is a good captain and why Tilly will be a good captain someday, if that’s how she chooses to go.

As far as Grey Tal goes.... I think it would hurt less if CBS/TPTB didn’t spend so much time hyping him up as the first trans character only to have him be DoA? It feels like Hugh all over again (and I’m still at least 60% sure they only resurrected him because of fan outcry). Like, these big corporations need to stop expecting props for queer rep if they only mean to kill said queer folk within a few episodes of their intro. And twist at the end aside, Grey was killed very quickly and unceremoniously, even moreso than Hugh, during a time when Trans people in particular still face premature death due to violence and murder and poverty at much higher rates than cishet people.

It also means we’re left wondering if Adira’s NB status is meant to be the result of Alien weirdness with their Trill symbiote instead of, you know, NB humans existing from the bout as far back as humans have been sapient.  Hell, As far as I can recall, their NB status still has yet to be spoken in canon, so we don’t know if their pronouns are she/they, just she, some other pronoun combo, and/or if they don’t even yet realize they’re NB at this point in the story

I dunno, I feel like we deserve better, as usual. Their love was so wonderful, and then Gray just dies? I don't know. It feels like GLAAD hyping this is just like GLAAD Hyping Assassin’s Creed Odyssey while ignore the compulsory het they put in the first DLC all over again.

As much as I love Discovery, it is REALLY hard to love the part where they have to give up so much pain and loss for our queer people, especially related to specifically being queer and in love with other queer people. We get enough of that pain and loss IRL.

I hope they can make something good of Grey and Adira’s story. Still. Can’t we just get some nice, safe, HAPPY queers for once? What is this obsession with making them all go through hell? Hugh died and left Stamets traumatized and we had to wait for a completely new season before Hugh came back with NO Guarantee he would and just some wishful thinking on the Mushroom magic, Jett lost her wife, and now Grey and Adira are repeating Hugh and Paul’s story. I suppose there’s a path for somehow bringing Grey back corporeally since he appears to somehow be a separate entity from Tal who can appear to Adira, but why do we have to go through the same song and dance with him we went through with Hugh? Can we just have one happy Queer couple that doesn’t get separated by death, temporarily or permanently?

I don’t think it’s a dealbreaker for the show for me, but I don’t blame anyone for whom it is, and at the least it’s just part of an exhausting pattern. 

Still, if I can disconnect from that for just a moment, I still love Adira a whole lot. I am glad they’re sticking around at least and I hope we continue to see them being affectionately snarky with Michael and Hugh and Paul for a long time to come, but I also hope the narrative is more open about their NB status and doesn’t fall back “it’s the symbiont,” damn it. And that final scene, in another world it would have been absolutely AMAZING just... good, solid queer love, two gay as hell kids being affectionate together. It would be SO GOOD if it wasn’t tainted by Discovery’s weird insistence on inserting death in every queer relationship.

I’m so glad Keyla is finally getting help. I’m really am. She deserves it (and cmon, I’m not saying TPTB owes us Joyla, but that look during the exercise part and that ‘lean against each other’ thing in the shuttle bay at the end were NOT straight).

Anyway, final word:

Trill stuff: Interesting and cool

Adira: The best

Queer stuff: STOP KILLING YOUR GAYS ITS TAINTING EVERYTHING AND I HATE IT but also I still smiled and teared up a bit at the queer affection.

B-Plot: Painful, but I appreciate the exploration of trauma and the steps toward healing

[fantastic-bby]

Business Is Business - Mafia AU

Chapter 1

Word count: 5k

Warnings: Mafia involvement, murder, suicide, self harm, violence

Chap.2 || Chap.3 || Chap.4 || Chap.5 ||

Their breaths came out as fogs as they walked through the streets of Seoul. His hands were full of bags as he tried to keep up with his sister, his whines never ceasing to how she was making him carry all the bags. 

“Hyun Jae, why can’t you carry any of the bags?” He whined out. Hyun Jae turned around to him, walking backwards, and lifted the tiniest of the bags that was in her hand as well as her clutch in her other,

“My hands are full, Hongjoong. Sorry.” She snickered at him before turning back around. He let out a groan, the sound of the bags dropping to the floor making her stop her footsteps and turn around to face him. 

“Why did we buy so much shit again? It’s not like we’re going to stay in that apartment often anyway.” He grumbled as he looked at the amount of bags that were sitting on the pavement. 

“Most of it is either food or your stuff.” She shrugged, finally helping him to carry some of the bags, “Four of these bags are from the music store and only one of them is mine.” Hongjoong stretched his back, 

“God, I feel like an old man.” He let out another groan, a small crack coming from his back before peeking into the bags, “The heavier bags are the ones filled with things you bought from Typo and Miniso.” He said to her matter-of-factly. Hyun Jae stuck her tongue out at him, putting down one of the bags and picking up one of the lighter ones, 

“I was about to carry a heavy bag but now you carry all the heavy bags.” She turned on the heel of her boot and started walking. He quickly picked up the bags and jogged to keep up with her. 

“Yah! Kim Hyun Jae!” He called out with a sigh as he chased after her. 

“We’re almost at the train station so you’ll be able to rest.” She said as she pulled one of the bags from his hands, the softer side she had for her brother starting to show as they approached the entrance to the train station. 

They made their way down and into the station, stepping into the train. They were lucky there were two empty seats right as they stepped in and Hongjoong quickly sat down and dumped the bags on the floor with a sigh. Hyun Jae took a seat beside him and watched as he stretched. 

“My entire body is going to ache so bad tomorrow. Why did we go shopping a day before dance practice?” He groaned, finally relaxing in the plastic seat of the train. “I’m just glad we’re going home.” He leaned his head back against the glass as Hyun Jae pulled her phone out of her poofy winter jacket, her eyes widening and her lips parted slightly. 

“Joong,” She held her phone up in front of his face, his eyes widening at the sudden action. His wide eyes squinted as he read the message, 

“No way.” He reached into the pocket of his jacket to pull out of his own phone. He let out a laugh, quickly stifling it when he received strange looks from the other passengers. “I can’t believe he actually got caught.” He lowered his voice and continued to read the news article sent by his members, “I actually thought he would get away with it.” 

“Yeah, you did.” She snorted as she held her hand out in front of him. He rolled his eyes as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 thousand won note, slapping it in her hand. “Min Yu may be smart but he’s not thorough enough at hiding evidence and I had to clean it up for him once.”

“I know, I was hoping I could just win some money.” He sighed, “What did they find?” He asked as he pulled his earphones out of his pocket. 

“According to Jongho he left his beanie at the murder site. What a genius.” She rolled her eyes before locking her phone and putting it in her pocket. He plugged one of his earphones into his ears and held up the other. “New song?” She asked when she saw the earphone. She plugged it into her ear, “Tell me again how you’re going to debut as a Kpop idol and have time for the business?” She asked as he scrolled through the audio files on his phone. 

“The other guys can handle on their own if we’re busy. They can always call me if they need me.” He shrugged, pressing play on one of the songs. “We finally finished it. It’s called “Treasure.” The song was amazing, leaving Hyun Jae speechless and in awe as she listened to the song. 

Both of them had a musical passion but Hongjoong was the only one actively pursuing it by becoming a trainee at KQ Entertainment. Hyun Jae on the other hand, was more interested in psychology. She spent her time studying the human mind, emotions and body language. Her ability to read a person by just talking to them for a moment was a key benefit for their ‘side job’.

“This sounds amazing.” She said as she pulled out the earphone, “Is this the song you’re debuting with?” She asked him, her eyes sparkling with admiration for her brother. 

“Treasure and Pirate King are the title tracks for the first EP.” He nodded. He had already played Pirate King for his sister a few days back and told her he was only going to play her the rest of the EP after they officially release it. 

“I can’t wait for the release. I’m so proud of you, Joong.” She smiled at him, “I’m sure if mum and dad were still here they’d be proud too. You know how much they wanted you to become an idol.” She bumped his shoulder with hers.

“Thanks, Jae.” He smiled back, his eyes trailing to the floor of the train, “If they were still here they’d probably laugh at Min Yu too.” He snorted. They shared a look, taking a moment to silently mourn their late parents. 

“If they were still alive they would whip us so bad for the way we handle the business.” Hyun Jae spoke up with a chuckle. 

“Oh yeah, definitely.” Hongjoong laughed. “Dad would be so upset that we don’t spend all of our time at the office.” He looked at Hyun Jae, “Mum would be so pissed that I dragged you into it.” 

“I couldn’t leave you to do this alone. We haven’t been separated since we were born, what makes them think we’d part ways if one of us had to join the mafia.” She laughed, shaking her head slightly. 

“Are we ever going to part ways?” He asked after a moment. The question was sudden and it made his sister look up at him in slight shock. She didn’t know how to answer him. They were bound to part ways and the thought of it saddened both of them as they were hoping it wouldn’t happen too soon. “I meant before one of us ends up getting married. We’re not going to separate before that, right?” He looked up at her, the glint of anxiety in eyes making her understand that he was as scared as she was about losing one another. 

“I won’t leave you, Hongjoong. I promise.” She raised her pinky finger out in front of him and he smiled slightly, raising his own to lock their pinkies together. 

“Twins forever, right?”

“Of course.” She nodded. Once the train reached their stop, Hongjoong was more than ready to just get home and lay down to soothe his already aching body. They were lucky that the stop was literally right outside their apartment building which meant less walking for both of them. They made their way up the building and stepped into the apartment, the sound of bags almost violently rustling as Hongjoong struggled to make his way into the apartment. Hyun Jae was following behind him, locking the door and laughing at his effort.

“It’s not funny! I might fall and die!” He whined out when he heard her laughter. 

“Okay! Okay, sorry!” She laughed as she helped him with the bags. They dumped the bags on the carpeted floor of their living room, Hongjoong letting out a sigh at the relief of letting go of the weight on his arms. 

“Please tell me we don’t have to do another shopping spree too soon.” He groaned out as he massaged his arms. 

“I think we’re pretty set for now. We have all the food we need for what looks like the next month.” Hyun Jae answered as she looked through the bags. She went and started to restock their kitchen, letting her brother use the shower first. She carried her bags into her bedroom, looking through everything she had bought. She pulled out a vintage polaroid camera from one of the bags and placed it on her shelf among other vintage items. 

She took a step back and admired the shelf, her collection was slowly growing as the years were passing and she felt a sense of pride fill her heart. The sound of the bathroom door opening and closing made her grab her robe, heading out of her room only to be faced with Hongjoong in the living room, full moon on display and towel on the floor.

“JOONG!” She screamed as she covered her eyes, “What did I say about being naked?!” She scolded him.

“Sorry!” He quickly picked his towel back up off of the floor, “My towel dropped on the way back to my room!” She only opened her eyes when she heard his bedroom door shut. 

“Next time your towel drops just run into your room!” She yelled out, receiving a muffled ‘sorry’ from his bedroom. Being roommates with her identical twin brother meant she had to set ground rules so that he wouldn’t do dumb things out of his bedroom. 

Hyun Jae was slightly more mature than Hongjoong was when it came to family and whenever they were at home but Hongjoong was, in general, more mature than his sister was; especially when it came to business. Hongjoong was the leader of their mob. After their father had passed away a few years before, their mother had to take charge. But with a scuffle with a rival gang, Hongjoong was forced to take charge along with Hyun Jae. 

The original plan was that he would be a mob boss on his own, but knowing his tendency to trust people more easily that he should, his sister took to his side. She didn’t doubt his ability as a leader for once second but she was worried he would overstep certain details when running the mob. He wasn’t as thorough as she was. She was a perfectionist - not meticulously - and she was way more observant than he was, meaning she would be able to pinpoint a person’s behaviour before he could and was able to judge whether they could trust them or not. 

Their bond was strong. Most of the men that worked under them felt as if them working together was better than if only one of them was on their own. They had that connection only twins would have, being able to understand each other’s feelings and thoughts on a level that seemed as though their minds were one. It was almost telepathic and it seemed to scare new people. No one had been able to get between them. Attempts made by rival mobs to try and turn them on each other failed miserably and soon most mobs and gangs already knew better than to try and make tear them apart. 

Hyun Jae took a quick shower, stepping out of the bathroom in her robe. Hongjoong was stood in the kitchen with his phone pressed to his ear, 

“It’s not that fucking hard!” He yelled into the phone. Hyun Jae stood at the counter, drying her hair with a towel as she listened to the conversation once she realised he was using his work phone. “Do we have to clean his mess every time? Exactly. Tie him up, Hyun Jae and I will be there soon.” He sighed as he ended the call, squeezing the bridge of his nose with his fingers. 

“The rookie again?” Hyun Jae asked and Hongjoong nodded. 

“God, he’s actually incompetent.” He angrily put his phone on the counter, standing with his hands on his hips for a moment, “We have to go down there. We gotta get rid of him.” He sighed once again. 

“You messed up too many times, kid.” Hyun Jae said, her arms crossed over her chest as she glared at the rookie. His hands were bound behind his back and he was sitting on a chair, fear etched on his face.

“I-I’m sorry. P-Please d-d-don’t k-kill me.” He whimpered out. 

“There’s nothing else we can do. We can’t just let you off the hook that easily. You know too much already.” She looked him dead in the eye, “I already gave you a warning before this mission. It’s not that easy to fuck up that job especially with Yunho’s guidance. All you needed to do was get information and get out. How the fuck did you fuck that up?!” She exploded. He winced at the sudden change in tone of her voice. “Now the government could be on our tail and it’s your fault. Too many fuck ups and too big of one. You’re out.” She moved away from him. 

“Sorry, kid. We just can’t let you run free.” Hongjoong shrugged as he turned to one of his men, “Don’t let his body be found.” He ordered him. 

“No! Wait” The rookie cried out as two men started to pick him up. “Please! I won’t tell anyone!” He continued to cry as they dragged him out of the room. Hyun Jae massaged her temples with her fingers, 

“I told you he would fuck up. He’s a kid.” She groaned, her eyes shut as she heard Hongjoong let out a sigh from beside her, 

“I was hoping we could save him. Who else did he have?” 

“Hyung,” The voice of one of their younger members made them look up. Jongho had peeked his head into the room.

“What is it?” Hongjoong asked. 

“Yunho hyung and Yeosang hyung cleaned up the trail. It should be okay now.” He said, gesturing for them to leave the room and to follow him. The twins followed him out and into the computer room, one of the walls lined with a small row of computer monitors. They were met with the other members of the group Hongjoong was going to debut with; their most trusted members of the mob. 

“Sorry about that, Hongjoong hyung and Hyun Jae noona.” Yunho sat up from one of the desks, his face full of regret. “I shouldn’t have let him do it but I wanted him to learn. Yeosang managed to wipe our digital trail and attach it to another device offshore.” He explained. 

“I don’t blame you. I shouldn’t have let him into this in the first place.” Hongjoong sighed, giving Yunho a light pat on the back. They all nodded, lowering their heads slightly.  All eight of the members had their strengths, making their mob stronger in multiple different methods. 

Right under Hongjoong and Hyun Jae was Seonghwa, the oldest among all of them. He was the most mature out of all of them; slightly more mature as Hongjoong was. He came from a background that wasn’t exactly too wealthy but he was worth more than anyone else in the mob. He was good at theft - more specifically grand theft - and was able to steal loads of money and valuable items without being caught. He didn’t need anyone to clear his footprints, he was able to leave clean and fund the mob without much hassle. 

Yunho was in charge of stealing information physically and often worked with Yeosang. He knew how the inside of the Korean government worked and was able to provide information on how to work around their system. His ability to sneak into buildings had found them the plans for advanced weaponry, the most hunted mobs, and ways to evade the government. His ability had managed to save the mob from being slaughtered after he had found out when and where the government were going to look next. 

Yeosang was their tech guy. Years and years of gaming had led him to building a strategic mind. He knew how to break every firewall and knew how to get into the digital database of any top secret government facility. His digital knowledge combined with Yunho’s ability had allowed them to successfully complete break ins cleanly. His love for drones had also led him to pick up creating and inventing multiple devices that only needed him to work from a computer, making it easier for them to cover up their trail when he needed to complete a job. There were times where he didn’t leave the office, sending in other men with his creations to finish the job successfully. 

San was among the top three in their group. He was the best at bribery and knew every corrupt police officer in South Korea. He had the most connections in and out of Korea. He could get his hands on any information required on any government and his strength in martial arts also made it easier for him to travel around without any extra people to keep him safe. He could blend into groups and disappear from anyone that was targeting him. He and Seonghwa’s families had worked together prior to joining Hongjoong, both of them sharing their abilities to commit multiple crimes together for the benefit of their mobs. 

Mingi was the riskiest out of all of them. He was the most willing to do everything and anything and he was the best at handling weapons. His aim on a gun was the best, his knife skills were peaked and he could learn how to use any weapon within a short span of time. He was their shield, leaving misleading evidence to keep cops off of their trail and was the only one who had ever let off a C4 before. He was also their sniper. His precise aim could take out anyone from miles away and he was usually the first one to let them know whether it was safe to continue or not. 

Wooyoung was their interrogator. He knew his way around torture and kidnap, bringing back useful bodies for information. He was in charge of every interrogation and had been successful for a good majority of his torture. He seemed to have a knack for interrogation, originally wanting to join the police force but had to change his path when he had accidentally stained himself with a criminal record with a petty crime. After he met Hongjoong, his desire for being in the police force quickly changed to him growing on being on the opposite side. 

Their youngest and strongest member was Jongho. His strength could take down guards and officers almost twice his size and he knew Hongjoong and Hyun Jae even before he joined their mob due to their father’s being allies. He was feared by most gangs and even the men that worked under the twins for his strength. He was the only one among them that could fight the longest due to his stamina, typically working alongside San to make the job easier since Jongho wasn’t that good at working alone. He couldn’t disappear as well as the other members and working with San was slowly teaching him how he could blend into the crowd when needed. 

All of them were close. Their relationships with Hongjoong also bloomed a close relationship with Hyun Jae. They were able to separate their lives in the mafia from their personal lives. Business meant business and family meant family but they had created a bond together that was stronger than family. All of them willing to die for each other. Hongjoong knew they could make mistakes but he also knew that they were capable of picking themselves us and taking their own consequences, making him trust them even more. Both him and Hyun Jae knew that without them, the mob would’ve been caught long ago. 

“Hyun Jae noona, has Hongjoong hyung played you Treasure yet?” San asked as they left restaurant that was hiding their office.

“Yeah, it’s really good.” She nodded, “He played it for me just now when we were on the train. It has a great melody, good rhythm and amazing vocals.” She winked at him, a small blush creeping on his cheeks. 

“Whose voice do you think is the best?” Yunho asked, knowing that question would most likely put her on the spot. 

“If I had to choose? Mine.” She joked, earning a whine from him. “I don’t want to make anyone feel shitty, but Jongho’s vocals are always the most impressive.” She commented, sticking her hands in the pocket of her jacket as the temperature seemed to drop a bit more.

“Of course they are,” Hongjoong scoffed, “That’s why he’s our main vocalist.” He turned to Jongho who was smiling proudly, feeling himself fill with warmth at the praise he was getting from his older members. 

“ATEEZ is going to be huge. I can feel it.” Hyun Jae smiled at them, all of them flashing her smiles with their eyes full of excitement. 

“Noona, are you going to follow us on tour?” Wooyoung asked. They were all hoping she could tag along, but with having to take care of the mob, she was too worried to leave Korea with her brother. 

“I don’t think so, Wooyoungie.” She shook her head, Hongjoong quickly turning his head towards her, 

“What? Why?” He asked. He hadn’t officially asked her to follow along but he was hoping she would, not wanting to leave her on her own. 

“I don’t want to leave the mob alone. At least if I stay, I can try and keep things in line until you get back.” She explained. 

“Jae, come on, they can handle themselves. I trust Jung Hee hyung has been here since dad was, so I trust him to take care of everything.” Hongjoong put a hand on her back, “Please, Jae?” He pleaded, a small pout of his lips. 

“Okay, fine.” She nodded, looking at the happy expressions on all of the faces of her friends, “I’ll come along. It’ll be fun, right?”

“Definitely!” San nodded excitedly, “We’re gonna have so much fun. We’ll teach you how to dance!” He skipped. Hyun Jae giggled at how happy he was. 

“Are you guys going home?” Hongjoong asked when they reached the entrance of the train station. 

“Jongho and I have something we need to do.” Seonghwa shook his head, “My brother needs help.” 

“You guys gonna be alright on your own?” Hyun Jae asked. They all nodded, 

“We’ll be fine. It’s not too big of a deal, just need to beat some people up.” He shrugged in response. She nodded at him.

“If anything happens, just give any of us a call, alright?” Hongjoong gave Seonghwa a pat on the back, waving at him and Jongho as they walked the opposite direction. 

“We’re gonna head back first.” Wooyoung spoke after waving at Seonghwa, “We’re super hungry right now.” He gestured to him, San and Yeosang.

“We haven’t had dinner yet so we’re gonna grab something to eat in this area. You wanna join us?” Yeosang asked. 

“It’s fine, I’m super tired.” Hongjoong shook his head, “Jae and I just got back from shopping when Yunho called and my body hurts.” He grimaced as he thought of how much his arms and back were going to feel the next day. 

“Joong’s a baby and he had to carry heavy bags.” Hyun Jae snickered at him, earning a punch to her shoulder. She scowled at Hongjoong. 

“She didn’t help me carry the bags at all.” He crossed his arms over his chest.

“You shouldn’t make a girl carry heavy bags, hyung. Even if it’s your sister.” Mingi teased his hyung.

“Whatever, I’m going home.” Hongjoong threw his arms up and grumbled as he walked into the train station, laughter erupting from his friends. Hyun Jae gave all of them a quick wave before chasing after her brother. 

They all shared apartments with each other to ensure the safety of their group. It was too risky to let them live on their own and they all agreed on a roommate system. Jongho and Seonghwa shared an apartment nearby Mingi and Yunho’s. Wooyoung, Yeosang and San shared an apartment that was in the same area as Hyun Jae and Hongjoong which led to them being constant uninvited guests at each other’s places. 

Wooyoung was constantly at the twins’ apartment whenever Yeosang and San were out, emptying their fridge and claiming that he was too lazy to buy his own food even though there was a convenience store right beside his building. Wooyoung’s habit of eating their food was the reason Hongjoong insisted on bringing home so much food when they were shopping. He knew his fellow member would come over constantly and was sure the fridge would clear even before they were to debut in the next month. 

The ride back to the apartment was silent between the two, both of them tired and ready to head to sleep. The moment they stepped into their apartment, Hongjoong made a beeline to his room. Hyun Jae instead made her way to the cabinets and pulled out a whiskey bottle. She pulled a glass out of another cabinet and filled up the glass with alcohol before putting away the bottle.

 She went out to the balcony and made sure to close the door before pulling out a cigarette and lighting it. She lifted the cigarette to her lips, taking a puff. The burning in her throat from the smoke as it filled her lungs brought a sense of peace to her mind. The added burning sensation when she drank the liquor warmed her body in the winter temperature. 

The habit of smoking was something inherited from their parents. Hongjoong stayed away from cigarettes, not wanting to stress his throat and lungs too much but Hyun Jae didn’t. She didn’t mean to pick up the habit but curiosity led to her using cigarettes occasionally. It wasn’t an addiction. She told herself that since she could go a few days without smoking before she felt like she needed to. Hongjoong wasn’t exactly bothered by it but the only rule he set down when they got the apartment was that she wasn’t allowed to smoke indoors and was only allowed to smoke on the balcony if she was home. 

She pulled her phone out of her pocket after feeling a buzz, looking at the notification. 

You reach home okay?

It was from Yeosang. 

Yea, I’m on the balcony right now.

That’s good. I’m glad you’re coming on tour. We can spend more time together.

The relationship she had with Yeosang was different and slightly complicated. There was no denying that there was chemistry between the two but for the sake of Yeosang, they had to hide their relationship. If Hongjoong was to find out that he was interested in her, he would beat him up or do worse. He was protective over his sister; especially when it came to the mob. The last member of the mob who took interest in Hyun Jae ended up being hidden in the ocean. The unspoken restrictions from Hongjoong still didn’t stop them from letting a relationship blossom between them. Yeosang would always make sure Hyun Jae would get home safe after the twins would leave the office. 

The sound of the balcony door opening made her turn around to see Hongjoong stepping out onto the balcony. Hyun Jae quickly slipped her phone in her pocket and put out the cigarette on the ashtray that sat on the metal rail. 

“What are you doing out here? I thought you were tired.” She questioned as she watched him lean against the rail. 

“Didn’t feel tired enough.” He shrugged. They looked out at the town, watching as cars and people passing by. 

“Hongjoong,” She spoke up, earning a hum from him. “Should I really go on tour with you guys?” She asked, turning to her brother who was still looking out. “I don’t know how I feel about leaving the mob alone like this.” She said. He pursed his lips before turning to face her,

“I really want you to come along, Hyun Jae.” His eyes were asking her to come. She didn’t want to say no but she was paranoid. “I know you’re worried about the mob but I seriously feel like they can handle things without us. I mean, we’re already bringing along eight of our members. Why not we bring you as well?” Her eyes were unknowingly scanning his body language as he spoke and she knew that he was worried too. But his trust in the men that had worked with their parents for years was strong enough that he could push past his worry. Maybe she could too. “If you don’t come they’re gonna bully me.” He joked. 

“They bully you either way.” She rolled her eyes with a laugh, “Just because I’m one minute older doesn’t mean I have to beat up your bullies for you.” 

“That’s what older sisters are for!” He whined. “You’re supposed to protect me!” He grabbed her shoulders and started to shake her back and forth, “Jae, come with us, pleeeeeaaaase!” He pleaded as he shook her. 

“Okay, okay, okay!” She yelled as she tried to get him to stop. He stopped once she spoke. “I’ll follow you guys, sheesh.” She moved her hair out of her face and watched as he started jumping in excitement. 

“Yay! You’re coming with us!” He looked like a child who had just gotten candy, jumping up and down before running into the apartment. Hyun Jae laughed as she watched. The paranoia in her heart quickly disappeared. The decision to follow them on tour felt like a good idea. It felt right.

[steve0discusses]

Yugioh Ep 23 S3: Always Put Guns on Your Satellites

Ah, I’m finally back at my home computer after a little hiatus there. In case you are curious, I went to San Fransisco and then spent about 2 weeks trying to find a single parking spot. But, I’m back in my normal place now, where trash trucks aren’t driving around, breaking the speed barrier at 3 AM and where I don’t have to parallel park at a 45 degree incline. I got my fill of good food, chilling out, getting completely rained out by a freak storm in May, and walking about a mile vertically to go three feet horizontally, it’s time to sit back, relax, and talk about an anime that came out 20 years ago.

Y’all...what were even doing 2 weeks ago? It really does feel like three years.

If memory serves, we are currently in the midst of not one, but 3 Apocalypses. Lets just place em down in case you forgot

1.) The Millennium Item Apocalypse, where if one person gets all 7 (or was it 10?) of the items, the world freakin ends. This is briefly on hold because Bakura, our Millennium item enthusiast, hella died about 24 episodes ago and none of these people have brought it up or tried to contact any sort of governing authority even though Yugi and Tea both witnessed the murder about 7 hours ago (which, for Marik’s credit, did take place over international waters, touche). So, for now, Bakura’s spirit is kinda holed up in Pharaoh’s puzzle necklace so he’s just...chillaxing.

2.) The God Card Apocalypse, where if one person gets all 3 God Cards, the world freakin ends. Briefly on hold because everyone got stuck in a VR universe, and Marik felt like staying on the blimp instead because I dunno maybe he wanted to take a nap or something.

3.) The Matrix, where Seto’s Dad is going to launch a bunch of machines to trap the entire human race in this VR zone against their will and become a slave to the machine overlords. Somehow this is a thing that has been happening in the background this entire series but has only been revealed like...last episode.

Bro is reminding me that I forgot to mention that all these duel monsters are becoming slowly more and more real but like...eh.

There’s three concurrent Apocalypses right now. Don’t forget. There’s three of them.

Anyway, Seto Kaiba has decided it’s about time he deal with his Daddy issues/prevent the Matrix.

While Kaiba has decided to confront his Father, the rest of the people on this show have no freakin idea what to even do so they’re just arguing with eachother in Domino square and getting no where.

Also, I nearly forgot, Joey can’t even beat up Noah currently because Noah switched places with Mokuba, because this isn’t Yugioh unless we start switching brains like it’s as easy as turning your T-shirt inside out.

Of course, in this case, Mokuba didn’t exactly *switch* places with Noah--Moki’s brain is just...floating around this world somewhere. I don’t know if he got stuck in a Monkey or if he’s just...dead...but it just makes absolutely no sense to me how your soul can get sucked into a VR game and now lives tron-style in VR while someone else steers your body which isn’t any more connected to the machine itself, so I’ll just assume he’s dead. It’s just easier to say Moki died, it’s happened so many times to this kid at this point.

Basically, Mokuba is here, but in not-spirit. In every way but spirit.

And about those brain pods--does Yugi’s pod take up 2x the RAM because he’s got two people in that bean or has Noah seriously not noticed this like at all? because there's two dudes in one pod and Noah has just acted like that’s a completely normal thing that can happen.

(read more under the cut)

Anyway, the A team has sort of all turned into the B team because only Kaiba’s can really have any active involvement at this part of the arc, so Yugi decides to take a break and enter brain fort. Which, I assume he does just whenever he’s bored. It’s just kind of weird when he decides to do this, without warning, in front of a large group of other people.

Anyway, it’s Yugi, so he somehow turns what is so clearly Kaiba’s problem into this selfish need to carry the torch by himself for no reason.

Like, Yugi is the main character--I get that--he’s gotta be some sort of moral standard because this is a protagonist in a kid’s show, but it is such a stretch for him to still think that there’s any good left in Noah after all the events of this arc. It just comes off that every time Yugi tries to see good in Bakura, or Marik, or the Kaiba family even, he’s maybe doing it out of guilt.

Like Yugi isn’t naive at this point - he set a guy on fire once with Russian Whiskey in a freakin burger diner, and even if you don’t consider Season Zero canon, he also set PaniK on fire and left him to die in the woods (and that nut ABSOLUTELY died), so it just doesn’t make sense to me that he’d helplessly fall victim to a thousand evil assholes who pretended to be his friend. Instead, it’s sort of like Yugi’s trying to overcompensate for the amoral weirdo residing in about 98% of his brain right now.

Overall, TL;DR, Yugi is kind of a weird guy.

Love him, but he’s sort of a walking disaster with some very selfish motivations and I forget. Not about the walking disaster part of course, that part is like clearly very obvious, especially when we find out his grand masterplan.

Also, this happened,

Again, I would be absolutely fine if Tristan just remained like this, talking like the librarian out of Terry Pratchett, taking Serenity to prom just like this.

Anyway, these guys had absolutely nothing to do, so the show invented something on the fly.

If you could copy-paste any card, why not just copy-paste 24 Exodias? Like I get they don’t have God cards here but they have all the other ones, right?

Like I don’t understand the danger here, you can just keep playing cards infinitely because there’s no rules when you’re outside the game. Just keep slapping stuff on your duel disk like it’s that fanmade Yugioh game that they made for real life VR headsets. Youknow the one that was so bad that it became like a viral video, where everyone is a really low poly Yugioh character but they only have like 4 character models, and for some reason one of the four is Yugi but as a girl in a miniskirt? And they’re on the blimp for some reason, and none of them can stand up straight so they kind of duck walk everywhere? That one? The one with Joey saying “It does what it do!”

Like I feel like if even I saw that video show up on my twitter, everyone else has seen that video of just this really bad VR game and I don’t remember what it was called but feel free to google it, it’s a fun 10 minute ride.

Anyway, the mayhem of that viral video is kind of what this entire VR arc is turning into. More and more as we break reality and completely ignore the rules, to the point where now we’re just slapping whatever cards on our duel disk--cards we shouldn’t even freakin have because we identified at the beginning of this season that no one has a deck here.

But anyway, back to the only person who got out of the VR zone, lets see what Noah’s up to. Ah, the real world, where all we ever had to worry about was magic.

This password was so obtuse even Noah, who is literally a computer, forgot it. Wow.

So now that Noah has escaped the computer, he decides to walk down the hall to log onto yet another computer so he could use his hands instead of...however he was using computers in the digital zone.

He could have done this from within the Orb, right? Like this part didn’t really require him stealing Mokuba’s body? We know he’s already connected to Kaiba’s network so he could become ascended and open the Door of Truth, so I’m assuming it would also have the ability to just log onto this computer in his own ship?

Noah does seem to be just winging it through this entire arc, but he could have done this sequence, and THEN stolen Moki, and THEN hightailed it out of there. It would have saved him some problems later. But wtv, lets hack a satellite, that good ol Kaiba pastime.

Also, fun fact, Kaiba went through all that work to get rid of all the weapons and then forgot about his space stash?

Like was there just SO MANY weapons that he overlooked it, or is he just keeping this here, just to have? Just in case, youknow? Like why does Seto Kaiba have access to The Bomb? Why would we leave a horrible nuclear missile in the hands of a teenager who freaks every time he plays cards? This child who is so unstable, that he knows he was married to a paper card in a previous life but doesn’t feel like talking about it? That crazy kid?

Like usually we have a set of two keys for this type of thing and two different people turn the key at the same time, we don’t just leave them in the Seto Kaiba headquarters with the kid who turned all cards into guns. Are all of Seto’s handlers actually just spies from other countries trying to keep Seto from nuking the planet? Is that the real answer to who the hell Roland is? Is he just a nice spy that makes sure Seto plays enough cards to forget that he could blow up the world if he sneezed too much and pressed the wrong key loading up Duel Disk Myspace?

The implications.

Meanwhile, Kaiba is the only one on this show smart enough to just walk into Gozaburo’s office, where I assume this guy has just been hanging out the entire arc.

Yep, that’s right, they’re going to do a card duel with a chess champion because this show has to shoehorn in those cards. Just one more card fight. Just cuz. Just one more completely pointless card fight between these two people, to show...that Seto can beat his Dad? Seto’s beaten his Dad like every opportunity he’s had to beat his Dad I don’t...exactly know why this was necessary. Would’ve been a much bigger emotional beat for Seto to have just walked away, but that would have also been a much different Seto than the Seto we have.

So basically, if Seto loses, Gozaburo threatens to erase Seto’s mind entirely, which we’ve already pointed out has been so wiped at this point that it would be all of 700 KB and it would just be a single corrupted pixel picture of a dragon.

Anyways, Marik finally conquers his greatest enemy.

Oh. OK. This is a thing he can do now. Welcome back to the show, Marik.

Anyway, Marik has decided it’s high time for him to just go flippen spaz and start breaking stuff. For no reason. I don’t think he fully comprehends that he’s underwater and should not blow up the boat.

Or maybe he FULLY comprehends that? Either answer for him would feel correct.

Also, while I don’t cover cards here, Kaiba’s Dad has decided that the only way to beat his son was to pretend he’s Yugi Muto and reenact the pilot.

It was weird. It was sort of like watching someone audition for a role they don’t have.

Lets go back to Noah.

I knew this arc was going kinda long but how did they end up in freakin Guam???

Marik, who has no concept of technology because he grew up in a tomb and is currently possessed by an ancient force of evil, is still able to recognize a good countdown clock when he sees one. Before he bashes it to pieces because of course he can.

Marik almost saved everyone else’s ass, but unfortunately doesn’t understand that the monitor is not actually attached to the workings of the computer. Much like my Mother.

Bro brings up that this a very Metal Gear thing to only use helicopters to travel over the ocean and hot damn we got yet another Metal Gear reference in just before this arc closes. These weird war crime children.

Ps I like that they drew in the shadow of the bangs across Moki’s eyes as if that would somehow make Moki look sinister. lol.

But, much like the Grinch, Noah’s heart grew...well, it grew.

I wouldn’t go as far to say it grew even a full size, but youknow it...kinda made a weird little fart and bloated a little bit.

So like with Tristan turning into a monkey, it does seem a lot like Noah is just turning into Mokuba and that’s why he’s decided to save everyone. Least in my mind that’s what it looks like. Maybe if he really did take Yugi’s body, Noah would have lasted maybe 5 seconds before being doubled over with endless anxiety and guilt. Would’ve solved a lot of their problems.

I’ve been watching a cat while commuting 4 hours a day and this is actual footage of what my charger cable looked like after the cat went Marik on me and decided the cable deserved to die at 3AM after the freakin SF garbage truck went supersonic and woke up the entire neighborhood.

(the cat is fine, btw, we went and hid all the other cords, dumbass cat)

So what does Noah do? He decides...it’s time I fessed up. And he does it in the worst way, during a time when literally everyone else in the VR world is fighting multiple card enemies/their Dad.

Way to be, Noah, way to be. On the other side of town, Yugi was visibly sweating and had this facial of expression of like “Wow, maybe Noah is just a freakin psycopath?” Which, I dunno, kind of seems like the sort of thing we figured out 23 episodes ago, right at the same moment we met Noah.

Anyway, that’s all for this episode. Really seems like the only person who actually DID anything was Noah who just...decided to throw a bunch of missiles directly at himself because he can’t think things through. I guess Marik did some stuff too, but honestly, I have no idea if Marik thoroughly understood that he just guaranteed that he was absolutely going to be destroyed by rockets. That Loki.

Hey if Noah DOES manage to destroy everyone on this boat, he prevents 3 whole apocalypses and that would default him to hero status. He’ll kill off like 3 major villains and maybe even Shadi. And who doesn’t want Shadi to die (who I assume is already dead but wtv) I mean that’s not going to happen, but like...way to try and save the world Noah, you’re doing your best life.

Anyway, if you just got here, here’s a link to read these recaps from the very beginning, fair warning, there’s 2.5 seasons.

[calwingjapan]

9月2日ーマジカルミライ

Back in May I booked bus tickets and passes for Hatsune Miku: Magical Mirai 2019. I suppose it will serve as a good distraction. Oddly enough, a part of me didn’t really WANT to go. I meant to get just one ticket, but the lottery system had messed up English and as a result I had to pay for a two day pass. The only reason I decided to go was to indulge in my 19/20 year old self in going to a Vocaloid concert. In the past 5 years, I’ve not been a huge fan, but knew that at the very least I could still have a little fun, right?

Now...I have plans of going every year. It was beyond entertaining from start to finish and the exhibit floor was a lot like anime cons back home...only it was all Vocaloid. What’s more, the event actually had English support (and Chinese). Industry guests were there, including a few big name vocaloid music producers doing autographs. Any clothing, accessory, music tech, or figurine company that had partnership with Crypton and Hatsune Miku was there with their merchandise. Starting out producers had a fan-works marketplace selling their own CDs and fanart. Early demo play of the new Project DIVA and Miku VR was available! There were also changing rooms for cosplayers, and a storage space for those traveling will luggage to put away. So I’ll be sure to cosplay next year, for sure, too! I’ve  been wanting to be KAITO for years, so this seems like the perfect place to do it.

Tho, I think the nicest aspect of it was just how friendly all the attendees were. There were people from all over the world. Japan. China. Korea. Philippines. America. Europe. Yet, no matter the language barrier, everyone was having fun singing their favorite songs in impulsive karaoke, dancing, taking photos together, and so on. Even the most hardcore fans were good people. They didn’t try to one-up anyone or assert authority of any kind. If anyone was seen alone, they were just collected into groups with other fans. If someone didn’t have a glow wand during the concerts then fans would share (the most excited fans had anywhere from 3-5 wands of their own. They had plenty to loan to friends). I ended up meeting a few people from America and other foreigners in the country who go every year but sadly they all lived in different corners. We’ll keep in touch on LINE, I’m sure.

I just cried during the first song. I didn’t even know what song it was (or half of the songs of the whole show), but I didn’t care. I think it was mainly just the energy of the moment and how entertaining it was. Even a few old favorites were played in memory of the late wowaka, who passed away this April. A different song of his was played at every show, the two I got to see was World’s End Dancehall (my favorite) and Rolling Girl (his first big hit). Those were really emotional numbers even if they were very high energy. Megurine Luka was also celebrating her 10th anniversary so she got an extended set, and her own corner at the exhibit hall. One guy I ended up sitting next to during the final concert (someone from America), he and I both ugly cried when Romeo and Cinderella happened.

On the last day I did one last sweep of the exhibit hall and while walking past the industry booths, I saw a staff member holding up a sign with 「八王子Ｐ」written on it. Next thing I knew...he was right there, signing autographs. I didn’t know who’d be there, nor did I expect it to be possible to meet anyone. Yet...one of my favorite producers was not but 10 feet away from me and all I had to do was...buy his newest EP, and I could get his autograph. Not only did I get his autograph, I got lucky when I drew my lottery ticket and was allowed to shake his hand. I was so starstruck that I forgot my Japanese and had to use Google translate to tell him how happy his music has always made me, and partly why I now live in Japan. He...just laughed and kept saying thank you as he shook my hand. I cried in the bathroom right after.

I really met Hachioji-P. It’s not called Magical Mirai for nothing, I guess.

Part of me thinks it was such an emotional weekend because of the news with my grandfather, and me having trouble expressing any sorrow over it. When the stage teased that one wowaka’s songs was next with the video screen, the crowd didn’t chant for Miku or Rin or Luka, or anyone else. Everyone in unison just kept screaming “WO! WA! KA! WO! WA! KA! WO! WA! KA!” He’s gone...but his music has been so impactful to thousands, if not millions of people all over the world. I only hope that he was able to hear us, from all 5 shows, screaming his name. It couldn’t be helped, me thinking of my grandfather in that moment. I want to remember Buddy the same way all those fans remember wowaka.

I called Luis after the first day and talked my feelings out about my grandfather with him. There...wasn’t much to be said, but it was nice (and surprising) when he told me how he went through the same emotions a few years ago when his own grandfather died a few years ago...while we were all at MomoCon together. I can’t imagine how he felt during that weekend after he got the message from his family. Still, knowing that someone at least understands why I’m feeling (or rather, not feeling) does provide some reassurance. 

There is no solution to this, I know, but...Luis offered me a bit of comforting words in knowing that he’s about to be going somewhere where he won’t be hurting anymore- no more cancer, aching bones, or fluid bags, or anything at all. He’ll be somewhere where he has his voice again! He’ll be able to go swimming without the worry of water getting caught in his throat hole. He’ll have all his hair, again! I know I can’t follow him there, not right now, anyway. But for the moment...that’s how I’m trying to cope with this situation.

Justin/Logy and his girlfriend, Jasper, are planning to be in Japan for Christmas next year. Thanks to the Olympics, the Tokyo dates for Magical Mirari 2020 had to be moved from summer time to right before Christmas. When I passed the news along to them, they immediately agreed that we’d all go together at least for one day, in cosplay. The magic continues….

[pandoraylamcraziness]

(after reading littlecountrymouse personal view of these events I felt I had to take this off my chest but I didn’t want to hijack their post)

So I had an epiphany this night before watching this last episode. 

I was waiting for the ep, and meanwhile I was watching (mostly listening) some Malex fanvids. It always seemed weird to me how fast I shipped these two idiots. The intensity I wished for them to be happy. The weird connection I had with Alex, even though I loved Michael. 

I had this thing with Alex in wich I understood where he came from, but still sting how he continued to go away from Michael over and over again. How he tried to make their relationship a secret, hurting Michael in the process.

One day I realized it’s bc that happened to me. I loved someone but she was scared (of what exactly I don’t know, bc our social circle was very open and had already open queer people). She kept going away, looking away. Tried to simply not talk about what we had. And that still hurts to this day.

So I though that maybe that was why I sympathised with Michael: he was “me”. He was experiencing the same as me, but with one difference: I wished I had his personality. He fighted for what he wanted, he was afraid of being rejected, but still put himself on the open for the chance Alex would choose him for one last time. Until the next last time. Over and over for 10 years.

Michael was who I wished I was, while living the same experiences.

But that didn’t explain why I felt wary about Alex. I loved him, and again, I get where he comes from. I cheered when he smacked his garbage of a father with his cane, feeling a vindication way too intense. I was emotional when he stood for Michael, wanting to protect him. And I was incredibly proud when he started to open up to Michael about his feelings.

But I still felt like I was missing something. 

Michael I wanted to protect. Bc he was going through the same things as me. I wanted to throw a blanket at him and hug him and tell him everything was going to be ok. 

But Alex? Why I felt this visceral with him?

Until this night when I was listening fanvids and a phrase I had listened thousands of times suddenly resonated with me and I had the hardest epiphany wearing pajamas and laying down in my bed with my dogs:

“No. I’m tired of walking away. I’m tired of not saying what I wanna say”

Now, I had spent the last year saying to my friends and whoever listen to me the importance of representation in media. And not bc you had to “fill a quota” or bc people want to see themselves on tv (shocking!), but bc media shape the way we see the world. Shape the way we react in certain situations. Can shape the way we see friendship, romantic relationships, family. Everything. 

And since “Love Simon” came, I’ve been saying over and over how that movie would have changed my world if I my teen self could watch it. How it would have changed EVERYTHING. The notion that queer relationships are not inherently doomed to tragedy and drama. That yeah, the world is shit and there are homophobic people, but if you have a support network in your friends and family, your relationship does not have to be any different than a hetero one. That queer people CAN be happy. That a queer love story doesn’t have to end in tragedy like it’s part of its DNA. That movie would have rocked my world.

And then I go back to that haunting phrase (to me):  “No. I’m tired of walking away. I’m tired of not saying what I wanna say”

That. That was ME. 

I suddenly realized why I felt that way with Alex. Bc I recognized myself in him, of all things. He was hurting Michael yes, but he was being a coward with himself. No matter his motives (protecting Michael), he was labeling their relationship as doomed. He wasn’t willing to fight for it bc he didn’t see a way out, a way for them to be happy. For him every time he was with Michael was stolen time. Because no matter what, what they had was doomed from the start.

Until the moment he goes “fuck that” and say that no, he was tired of walking away. He was tired of never saying what he wanted to say.

And that was me. That was me always trying to fight for what we had and in the last minute walking away, never saying what I wanted to say. Never saying “I love you. And I think you love me”. Because what was the point? Our story was doomed for tragedy anyway the moment we fell in love.

And I layed there in my bed with tears in my eyes like a fucking idiot bc I had an epiphany about something it happened 10 years ago, thanks to a fictional character that to that moment I didn’t understand why he bothered me. 

And THAT is why representantion matters. Because no matter how some stories like “Love Simon” could have changed my perception of the world, that fucking line, that fucking character would have changed my LIFE. To see someone in that situation and saying “No. I’m tired of walking away. I’m tired of not saying what I wanna say”. Alex fucking Manes would have changed my life. And I have no idea where I would be right now if I could have found him 10 years ago.

So with all this emotional storm inside me I came to watch the ep. Rewatching the Malex moments in 1x12 bc I’m a masochist and I wanted to see them again with this new found perception of Alex. Needless to say I was a wreck before the last ep even started.

Then everything happened, I got sucked into the story and suddenly Alex was trying to tell Michael everything he had in his chest in the worst moment possible. Bad timing is the new star crossed. But I was SO happy, I was ecstatic, so hopeful and SO SO PROUD OF HIM. He did it!! He fucking did it, he opened to Michael and put everything in the open!! I was going to see finally these two happy! I was going to see what could have happened to me if only...

And then in a matter of minutes everything went to shit and a cover of With Me starts to play. And I couldn’t even apreciate the wink to the original show because suddenly all I can see is Alex Manes alone waiting for the love of his life who will never come bc he choose the less complicated choice over him the moment he opened his heart after 10 fucking years.

And that broke me. Because that’s not on Michael or Maria. That’s a writing choice. A writing choice for cheap emotional shock value. And they made it after saying out loud their love was “cosmic”, they were family and how they will probably love each other always.

Because they were together in secret for 10 years, but the moment they open their hearts and decide to not hide anymore, suddenly everything goes to shit.

And what I get is that being brave only gives you heartbreak. And that being a coward destroy your soul into tiny pieces but hiding is better than the alternative. 

Great message Carina and co. You just basically said that hiding your love is preferable than being in the open. That a bi guy that loved for 10 years a gay guy, 10 YEARS (!!) would jump into a safer relationship with a woman (who is the BF of his beloved) the moment the gay opens up to him. Great. Just fantastic.

[rkkangjoon]

.mad dog  |  rkrbact  skj solo

ROYALs WHITE LOTUS ROYAL Boys Opportunity scene: mad dog ep.3 [0:24-3:13]

the nervosity was evident when the royal boys were called together. debuts, survival shows and such were possibilites every single one of them thought about in that very moment. as soon as the real news reach his ears, kang joon couldn’t hide his excitement anymore. acting has always something he had been interested in, living thousands lives, with thousands of faces.

but with great news, great problems arose. he was aware that he still had much space to grow, that he was still an unblossomed flower in the garden but he nonetheless wanted to do well. chosing a scene was a hard decision. there were so many genres he could chose from, sweet and innocent, a romantic scene, a fighting, badass one or something sad. kang joon wasn’t too sure of what would be a good decision in order to show that he got potential. in the end he felt like choosing a scene based on the coaches tastes wouldn’t do him any good, so he just went ahead and picked out a scene he felt comfortable with. only then he would be able to relax and be natural about it.

when the day of the performance came up, kang joon could feel the heart in his chest thump hard. it had been a while since he felt that excited, that alive. the coaches called him inside and he bowed at them, before simply stating which drama he had picked and which scene he was about to act out. before they gave him the signal to start, he had asked one of the coaches beforehand, if it was alright to incorporate the coach into his play and if it was alright if he touched him. when receiving the go, he took a deep breath and the expression on his face changed.

kang joon walks towards the coach and grabs him by the collar, using his right hand, before pushing him backwards. "kim bumjoon!" he exclaims in anger. "you must wonder whether he's the killer or not. people all say this about the juhan air 801 accident. some lunatic crashed a plane with 190 passengers onboard. 67 died and 123 got injured. and that lunatic is your brother." as he mentions the other person's brother, he points at him with the left hand, eyes shaking as he stares at him. his left hand moves onto the face of the coach, in order to prevent him from looking to the side. this way he was forced to keep up the intense eye contact.

"do you want me to tell you what bumjoon really did?" the trainee asked, slightly tilting his head to the head, his amber coloured eyes reflect the light coming from outside and it seems like he can see right through the coach. the older man recites the line from the drama without acting and much emotion: "tell me." but that doesn't kang joon, doesn't let him fall out of his role. he was immersed in his character, a father who was mourning after his daughter. "kim yongjoo was 23 years old. since she was in high school she never got to go on a trip to jeju island. she didn't wanted to burden her mom who cleaned bathrooms for a living. her best friends, mikyung and sungmin were going on a trip to jeju. and her mom-"

shaking the other with a pained expression, kang joon takes in the uprising feelings, the pain welling in his heart. he knew what the character must have gone through. it was the same kind of pain he had went through long ago. "-saved money on eating expenses and bought a ticket which was to depart at 10:40 a.m. on october 11th, 2015. she bought-" he swallows as if it's hard to talk any further, as if the words are too heavy to express. "-a dress worth 30 dollars for her daughter too." his facial expression starts to crumble apart, turns from angry into a mournful expression. it speaks of a broken heart, yet the flicker in his eyes tells the coach that kang joon's character still had an unbroken will, an unbroken mind.

"she liked it so much. and that dress -" the amber coloured eyes become a pool of tears, when he slowly tears up. kang joon's heart throbbed in his chest, as he voices what everyone had already assumed at that point. "-was found in her bag. it became-" voice breaks, and kang joon halts for a moment, still holding onto the coach's collar. "- her shroud." he loosens up the clamp on the collar for an instant, just to pull the person back and tighten the grab once again.

"youngjo's mom sent her away and followed her only after two months." his lower lip shakes, thoughts wander to his own mother, while he lets the words die on his tongue. tears are clearly visible now, eyebrows painfully furrowed, the grasp around the collar becomes stronger.

"why didn't i die? why didn't i follow my family?!" the male yells and pushes the other back and forth with rage, while his tears fall. this wasn't just his character but himself speaking as well. his emotions fill the room, and the anger in his voice seethes through every of his pours and echoes through the air. "it's because of you. a jerk like you received 3.4 million dollars and is living in luxury. so, how can i die?" he yells yet again, rock the coach, his lips trembling defiantly, as his gaze pierce through the older, yet shorter man. the fist that is still holding onto the cloth turns gradually paler due to the strength he is putting into it.

he speaks with a rasp voice, snarling at his counterpart who was still not showing any reaction at all. but kang joon was used to the objective attitude of their coaches. trainees should always strive to become better versions of themselves. "scums like you must all be sent to prison. those punks who attempt to live off others' lives - " his fist right trembles, but still won't let go of the collar. "must be all put in jail." pausing, kang joon stares him down. the room was silent, and even though the eyes of the other coaches fell on him, kang joon was that immersed into the scene, that he didn't even noticed their presented anymore. bumjoon's brother. jan gebauer. kim minjun." his voice becomes soothing and he speaks in a calm manner, with a still slightly shuddering voice.

his face inches a little closer for the other to hear him clearly as he speaks up again. "breathe and do nothing all your life. don't do anything." the trainee shakes his head, before he bops his head towards the other. "just-" another pause follows, a desperate, pained expression spreads over his face that is wet from the tears falling. "-breathe only." the corner of his lips twitch, as he musters the other through amber coloured eyes. "otherwise, otherwise, you punk..." kang joon finally lets go of the collar and lifts his fist to lunge out and hit him, but is able to hold himself back somehow by biting onto his lower lip. irritated about himself, he whirls the other person around, his left hand is holding onto the coach's shoulder. slowly moving the fist towards the face, he just stares at the other man before the fist opens up and touches the head, haltingly sliding down towards the check and then the side of the neck. "you'll die." kang joon completes the sentence calmly, a rough tone to his voice, before he lets go of the other completely and walks away.

the scene was over and as soon as he was done, he rushed back to the coach, thanking and apologizing to him at the same time. his attempt to straighten the shirt of the coach wasn't successful at all, and with a wave the other coaches told him to get back to his training instead to worry. with a bow he thanked them for their attention and left the room.

[youhearstatic]

Cor’s Adventure Zone Writing

Longer Fics - colabs

A Single Slat of Wood and Canvas - After months of training, Lup fails to bring in her first solo reaper contract. She won’t tell anyone exactly what happened, even Barry. (By @tanger-catnip & @youhearstatic)

Barry woke with a start. His hand reached for the other side of the bed before he even knew who or where he was.

“Lup?” he asked the empty room.

Her side of the bed was cold. Barry was up and fumbling for his glasses in an instant, his heart pounding.

Made Before the Voidfish (Broken by a Voidfish) - For months Lup, Magnus, and Merle have been haunted by the presence of the ‘red robe’. Often showing up after their adventures to offer cryptic and usually unhelpful warnings and advice. Shortly after the events at Refuge, Lup hatches a plan to finally pin this incomprehensible creature down and get the answers to the questions burning inside her. [TwinSwap AU 1.0]  (By @tanger-catnip & @youhearstatic)

Lup heard her own voice twist into a burst of static. She couldn’t remember what she had just said or hold it in her brain, but her mouth knew the words. She bent over, a lance of pain shooting through her head. It hurt so much, but she was so close to something she just had to keep going.

More static. It was like something was stealing the words away from her. She tried to claw them back, but they just would not stay in. It was like vomiting, but with words that she couldn’t hear.

Lust is a Thing with Fangs - Lup tries to sneak in one more day of laboratory work before her annual heat cycle kicks in. Barry is there. It goes about how you would expect. (Explicit content.) (By @tanger-catnip & @youhearstatic)

Lup paused at the door to the lab. She stood up straight, wrapping herself in dignity and ignoring her heart pounding in her chest like a jackhammer. It would be fine. It was only Barry. He would be way too focused on his work to notice her trembling, or the fact she was flushed from the tips of her ears to her toes.

Lup licked her lips. She suddenly had the strangest feeling. Like part of her had come to a revelation about something and another was frantically trying to muffle it before it could be brought to her attention.

A Night at The Naughty Kitten - Out of options after the Starblaster hastily relocated without them, Lup and Barry spend the night at a “boutique” “short stay” hotel.

There’s only one bed, but that’s the least of anyone’s problems. (By @tanger-catnip & @youhearstatic)

The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. It wasn’t the first time she’d ended up like this, but every time Lup wondered if it would be the one to break her. He wanted her so badly. Lup didn’t understand how she was supposed to handle seeing it so clearly on his face on top of her own longing.

Sandworms and Other Concerns - Barry discovers that Lup’s presence can improve any situation, including having his arm torn off by a fifty-foot-long, carnivorous, burrowing, acid-spitting, hook-toothed, pinstriped Sandworm. (By @tanger-catnip & @youhearstatic - Also on AO3.) {Hey guys, just to let you know: The sandworm is all in the title. This is Hurt/Comfort wrapped in Fluff. Angst levels are at absolute minimum!}

Lup blinked. Once, then twice. At first, she didn’t know what had woken her up. The ship was perfectly still, aside from the faint thrum of the bond engine that she’d learned how to tune out decades ago. The interior lighting that simulated a day-night cycle was dimmed as low as it went which meant it was still ‘nighttime.’

After a moment, Lup realised what it was. The steady pattern of breathing that lulled her into sleep was coming at its normal pace. Barry was awake.

Longer Fics - solo

Bluejeans, Boxers, and One Bed - A prompt that got out of hand, this is my contribution to the best mutual pining trope out there: There Was Only One Bed! 4500+ words of ridiculous pining with a side dish of underwear angst. Yup, it’s a thing.

She’s tempted to watch but doesn’t, turning to give him the same privacy he afforded her. She already knows he wears boxers. They’ve all seen each other’s laundry enough to know every article of clothing by heart. He has navy blue ones, two different types of plaids, and red ones with white hearts that she’s wanted to ask about for years now. Something about them screams Valentine’s Gift Set and she wants to know the story. Were they a serious gift? A gag gift? Did he get his heart broken? Was he…

Lup’s heart stutters wildly for a few beats. Was he in a relationship when they left?

Losing Time - (Post Story and Song) After being missing for three days, Barry has been mysteriously de-aged. Now he looks 20 years old and doesn’t remember anyone. Lup, Kravitz, and Taako are trying to figure things out. (17k words)

His hair is thicker, his face smoother. He’s still heavy but lighter than she’s used to. She’s known him for over a hundred years while neither of them aged.

And now he’s a stranger.

Part One  | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four | Part Five | Part Six | Part Seven | Part Eight | Part Nine | Part Ten | Part Eleven | Part Twelve | Part Thirteen | Part Fourteen | Part Fifteen

Losing Time “Exit Interview” (10 fanfic questions answered about Losing Time. Includes a lot of behind the scenes and extended explanations.)

It’s About Time - This is a love letter to Barry Bluejeans of sorts: the whole campaign of The Adventure Zone: Balance (and then some) told from Barry’s point of view. (All the Time in the Worlds Series, Pt two. Meaning it’s essentially the Barry POV companion fic to A Thousand Tiny Moments. WIP, updates Fridays.)

Two days later Barry is dead.

Again.

All those contradictions and questions are filled when he rises, spectral and nearly overwhelmed with more emotions than his lich form can handle.

Because when he’s dead he can remember it all.

Contradictions  (Prologue - tumblr link)

A Thousand Tiny Moments - Before being chosen for the Starblaster crew, Lup meets someone at a party. It doesn’t go well. (All the Time in the Worlds Series, Pt one, the Lup POV companion fic to It’s About Time. 14k words)

She drifts closer to him and slowly, so slowly, she bends her head to his. She pauses inches away, not yet touching but so close they share breath. Her hand slides along the lapel of his jacket and she feels his chest rise as he breathes in.

She looks at his mouth and thinks this is the last moment before I kiss him.It’s as inevitable as his chest falling beneath her hand as he exhales. So she kisses him. His lips are warm and soft against hers with the rich sting of alcohol painted on both their mouths.

The Lup POV minific that became A Thousand Tiny Moments

A Thousand Tiny Moments “Exit Interview” (10 fanfic questions answered about ATTM. Includes a lot of behind the scenes and extended explanations.)

Short Fics

Barry & Lup:

Morning in Bed (Lup and Barry just cuddling and being in love. Prompt Request.)

It’s Cold Outside But You’re Warm (Lup and Barry mutual pining. Prompt Request.)

Strings (Lup and Barry just performed their song. Lup has a few final doubts.)

What If She’s Just Gone? (Barry’s anxieties get away from him when Lup is missing. Prompt request.)

Will You Marry Me (Barry does what he has to. Prompt Request.)

Reactions (The twins deal with Barry being ill. Prompt Request.)

Curse and Canyon (Barry is hurt. Lup is trying to deal. Prompt Request.)

Take a Picture (Lup is frustrated. Prompt request.)

Your Laugh is so Adorable (Lup does some reluctant pining. Prompt request.)

Don’t Touch Me (Barry and Lup short experimental piece.)

Gathering (Taako plans a party. Prompt request.)

It was the Pottery (Taako teasing Barry. Prompt request.)

Super Short & Cutesy (Barry and Lup in the lab. Prompt request.)

What You Did Was Stupid (Barry and Lup on Tesseralia. Prompt request.)

This One is Really Dark (You’ve been warned. Prompt request.)

Let Me Help You (Prompt request for Barry & Lup.)

You Don’t Have to Act Like You’re Okay (Prompt request for Barry and Lup.)

Pride (Prompt based minific of Lup coming to Barry’s rescue at a Pride event.)

Hotel Balcony (A prompt based modern meet-cute for Barry and Lup.)

Hotel Balcony Pt 2 (Hey look, there’s more!)

Contradictions (Test minific/opener for the Barry POV fic that is in progress.)

Lup and Barry switch (Lup is the one that falls from the Starblaster, taking Taako with her.)

At the Wedding (Barry and Lup at Carey and Killian’s wedding. Quick scene inspired by a post.)

True Seeing (Barry in a voidfished body with a group of adventurers. Short group write piece.)

Other Short TAZ Pieces:

Getting Home (Super short Magnulia prompt)

Love is Dead (Taako has never had a soulmark. Kravitz gets one only after he dies. Taakitz Soulmate/Soulmark AU with Blupjeans background)

Second Chances ( When Lucretia gets the second void fish she realizes she can inoculate Davenport and talk to him.)

Just You and Me (JohnChurch prompt request.)

Karma is a Bitch/What Did You Say? (Taako & Barry’s friendship prompt request.)

Can You Keep a Secret? (Taako & Barry’s friendship prompt request.)

Meta, Etc

Headcanons:

[The Twins | Taako & Lup]

[The Lover | Barry]

[The Protector | Magnus]

[The Lonely Journal Keeper | Lucretia | The Director]

[The Peacemaker | Merle]

[The Wordless One | Davenport]

[Kravitz]

[Miscellaneous]

Meta:

Lucretia and the Red Robes (Pt 1) Lucretia and the Red Robes (Pt 2)

A list of every conversation Lucretia has with the boys about the Red Robes and a discussion of her thought process/intentions. Part 2 focuses specifically on how her words in Ep 59 may have influenced Magnus’s decisions going forward.

Murder or Suicide: What is it when lich!Barry sets up his living!Barry body to die?

Other:

TAZ Balance Characters as WoW Classes

[shawnskeds]

your relationship with shawn based off of your favorite “handwritten” song

non-requested// aight so i did this for illuminate and i loved doing it!!! so here’s one for handwritten. if you wanna read the one for illuminate, it’s riiiight here . plus i miss little bb handwritten shawn.

author’s note// happy new year, hope two thousand eighteen doesn’t eat my ass

WARNING!! I KNOW I DON’T WRITE TRIGGER WARNINGS, BUT SOME OF THE MATERIAL IS TRIGGERING, AS IT DEALS WITH DEPRESSION AND MENTAL ILLNESS AS WELL AS SUICIDE!!!

masterlist

I. Life Of The Party

You and Shawn met at a high school party, one that you both really didn’t want to be at. You were dragged there by your best friend, and the same for Shawn. Since you both sort of gravitated towards the back, you started talking. Though neither of you were comfortable, you found comfort in one another. You started talking, and really never stopped. Your relationship is fairly generic, but you are genuinely one another’s best friend. He’s the first person you tell things to, and visa versa. It’s just super friggin healthy, and you love and support each other. You are just happy, and you are his person and he is yours.

II. Stitches

You didn’t like a consistent relationship, and while Shawn knew that, he didn’t like it. You wanted a fling, nothing serious, and you were kind of well aware that you were hurting Shawn. You just didn’t want to lose him, and frankly, he didn’t want to lose you either. You don’t really even remember how you met one another, probably drunken in a bar, ended in a hookup and Shawn falling in love. You hated to say it, but you were in love too regardless of the fact you pretended as if you didn’t. The fact of the matter is, it’s a non relationship where you both love one another, but you both are too scared of what the other will say to do anything. Ya pussies. 

III. Never Be Alone

You had a history of depression and mental illness, and after a rather unfortunate suicide attempt you spent some time in a mental hospital. Your first day out, you met a guy in a coffee shop and you started talking. For some reason, you spilled everything to him and told him ever intimate detail. And he didn’t run away. From that moment on, Shawn was by your side making sure you were okay, making sure you took your medicine, making sure everything was okay. You were grateful for him and all of his support, and you showed him just as much, if not even more, love back. He was your number one. Your everything. 

IV. Kid in Love

Alright, let’s get real here, you and Shawn started off as a friends with benefits sort of deal when he was sixteen years old and he was stressed out with all of the EP and tour stuff going on. So whenever he was home, you’d hook up or whatever, and this went on for a year or so. Until completely, out of the blue, Shawn said he had feelings for you, and you realized you had the exact same feelings. SO BOOM you’re in love. A lot of the aspects of your relationship are very physical, but you’re also very in touch with your emotions, always talking about your feelings. Fucking power couple, go you guys fuck me up mom and dad tbh. 

V. I Don’t Even Know Your Name

The oh-so-iconic fan meets pop star and they fall in love. Every girls dream? Ammiright? So basically, it was early in Shawn’s career and you had weaseled your way into the front of the pit and you caught his eye. He saw how you simply didn’t care what anyone thought of you. And after he got management to bring you back after the show, you continued to do so. He loved that you genuinely didn’t care that he was famous, and that you didn’t care if the paparazzi would take photos of every intimate moment you spent together in public, because you wanted to have a normal relationship. It was a fairly normal relationship, except Shawn toured and had fans, but you worked around it. Just a nice, normal, teenage relationship. How friggin nice. 

VI. Something Big

This is about to be super heckalecking generic, but like there was some smash ass party right when Shawn was getting famous with a bunch of people at your school, and your friend was invited and your friend brought you! And you were introduced to Shawn and it was like, WOWZA. The relationship like, probably wasn’t the healthiest because you never saw one another, and the fact that it was so incredibly on and off and whenever it was off he would sleep with some celebrity at a party. And you never cared, and he never cared when you slept with someone back at home. Toxic, unhealthy, and not even passionate. This relationship sucks, and no one actually likes Something Big so it kinda doesn’t matter. 

VII. Strings

After a big pre-mtv awards or whatever, you were working as a journalist and met Shawn. You both drank a little too much, and ended up drunkenly hooking up. And my mom says no good relationships start with a hookup, but this one does! It was great because you woke up and felt no regrets, and you were like “damn, this guy” and he was like “damn, this girl” and that’s just how life was. You were a power couple, both thriving in your careers, even helping one another out. You are both successful in your work and in your relationship and it’s overall just a really great relationship of love, passion, and support and if you tell me I’m making this such a great relationship because strings is my favorite song, you would be correct.

VIII. Aftertaste

This relationship has since ended, but while it was going on, it like wasn’t all that great. You overall, took Shawn for granted (like i am every fucking day) and you just thought that he wasn’t good enough for you. You always wanted more from him, and even though he tried you constantly thought what he was doing simply wasn’t good enough for you. So after a year and a half of a relationship, that was set up by friends might I add, you dumped him for some other guy you thought was better, and when you realized you had it pretty great with Shawn, and you wanted him back, he wasn’t dealing with your shit you bitch. 

IX. Air

Shawn was kinda suffocating (okay listen you’re always the bitch in these let Shawn be the bitch) and he always wanted more out of a relationship, when you weren’t even aware of the fact that you were in a committed relationship. You didn’t mind that much, but you had just met at a bar and started casually dating and he wanted so much out of you. He was a good boyfriend, honestly. He treated you well, and you liked him a lot but he was just demanding and clingy and it was sometimes a lot. I don’t know you’ll probably work it out or something.

X. Crazy

Shawn and you always felt as if you were a buffer of some sort. Like you couldn’t really find the ‘one’ so you were just dating one another for the time being. You weren’t in a bad relationship by any means whatsoever. You were pretty sure you loved Shawn and Shawn was pretty sure he loved you and yeah there was that spark, but it always felt a little bit off. It always felt like there was someone out there that may be better for you. Like this relationship, while it was a nice one, probably wasn’t end game. 

XI. A Little Too Much

You met Shawn through a friend, and he was really nice and he ended up really liking you, but for a while you didn’t call him back because you felt like you were too fucked up to ever be in a relationship with such a great guy, but after running into him again, you explained you liked him, but you had horrible anxiety and it stressed you out, and instead of thinking you were a freak like you thought he would, he decided to love and support you. He never asked you to do anything outside of your comfort zone, and making sure you were always comfortable, and whenever you had an anxiety attack he was sure to make you feel better. A good bean, a wonderful cute bean Shawn is. 

XII. This is What It Takes

Shawn took on a heck ton of the responsibility in the relationship, because he felt like he always had to take care of you. You were fresh out of a physically abusive relationship with a not-so-great guy, so Shawn almost felt it his responsibility to make you feel safe and warm, and he did such a good job at it. He was there when you needed him and even there when you didn’t, just in case. He made you smile and laugh and played dumb board games with you whenever you started to get upset. This went on for a while, and whenever you got better, he was still an amazing supportive boyfriend who always made you feel safe. A good guy, 11/10. 

XII. Bring It Back

Your relationship is dying. You started dating in fucking middle school, and you just never stopped. You were so happy for like, three and a half years, and it just started to die. It started to get depressing, honestly, because neither of you really wanted to continue dating one another, but it was almost as if you didn’t want to see the other fall in love with someone else. The relationship was almost territorial more so than passion driven. Yanno it just sucks cause you guys aren’t gonna be dating for much longer in all honesty, enjoy it while it lasts my dude. 

XIV. Imagination

This is genuinely depressing, because you and Shawn aren’t even in a relationship. You were both in the same music theory class in high school, and you were both literally in love with one another from an afar. You thought his voice was beautiful, and he thought your piano skills were phenomenal. You became friends, and you stayed friends even when Shawn became famous. And even when Shawn was famous, he was still in love with you and you felt the same, but you both assumed the other was uninterested. I’m crying thinking about it pls date. 

author’s note// what i find straight wild is my writing gets more depressing as this blog goes on. i was so full of life and love when i started this blog in seventh grade, and now i am dead inside

[maxthommusic]

07172020?

So why "07172020"?

When I played "Ghost of Tsushima," last year, it gave me a lot of feels. The protagonist, Jin, was this embodiment of "good," maybe to a fault and I've really missed that, having lived through the age of the "anti-hero." In fact, you could really make an argument that PlayStation has done a great job of redefining the archetype of the "hero" for modern audiences and it's probably part of why I love their ecosystem so much.

When I was younger I was all about protagonists like Luke Skywalker (Star Wars), Prince Ashitaka (Princess Mononoke) and James Bond (007) -- characters who never dabbled in being "bad." In fact, Star Wars really paved the way for my moral concept. The idea of "light vs. dark" always resonated and I've always been a major fan of true heroes like Link (Zelda) and Cloud Strife (Final Fantasy VII).

Now, today, PlayStation has cultivated a cast of characters like Aloy (Horizon Zero Dawn), Ratchet (& Clank) and even Astro Bot. Sure, they're also known for their "gray" characters like Kratos (God of War) and Ellie (The Last of Us), but their contributions to the hero sector can't be minimized.

Enter: Jin. The ghost of Tsushima.

While I did love the game, it's not like it "blew me away." I wasn't spellbound and I'm not even sure I'd put it in my Top 10 (or anywhere close). Just to give scope, Vanillaware's "13 Sentinels" arrived shortly after and that left a bigger imprint... But what "Ghost of Tsushima" did so well is that it presented a world I wanted to explore. The true mirth of gaming is put on a pedestal in Tsushima and the devs at Sucker Punch present you with a map you just have to see every inch of. In fact, in my pursuit of the platinum trophy, I even had some monotonous moments drag me down where I thought, "Why am I even doing this?" and the answer was always, "Because you'll regret not seeing what's beyond the horizon line."

The game is teeming with beauty as Sucker Punch captured Japan's brilliance near-perfectly. There's a location set against golden trees, their leaves falling to the ground, and every time I went to that part of the map I was reminded of my time living in North Carolina. The settings are captivating and the game definitely leaves you with a sense of awe.

Inside this sandbox of mirth, Jin becomes your vehicle by which to experience such joy and he's just another one of those "good guys." Maybe a little plain and simple, but he's a good person trying to learn how to better himself and the world around him. Yes, I understand the irony of him murdering thousands of invading Mongolians, but it's a game -- suspend some belief here.

In any case, I related to Jin. Not just liked him. But I related to him. For the first time in a very long time I related to the main character and saw myself a lot throughout the game. At the time I was finishing up "Daisuki Baby" waiting for mixes wondering, "What should I do in the mean time?"

Just for fun I wrote the song "Ghost" that you hear as track 1 off "07172020." I had a little piece of music set to some "Tsushima" gameplay and ended up loving the results. But what it started as and what it became are very different.

It's hard to say if "Ghost of Tsushima" actually inspired the music, but it pressed me forward, for sure. All the song titles are references. And the game's quieter, zen-like moments inspired the introspectiveness of my EP, for sure. Again, did I sit there and try to channel Jin's search for inner peace? Definitely not. Was it in the back of my mind as I wrote equally contemplative jams? Totally.

It was Jin's sense of character that really motivated me to write something outside my comfort zone. I wanted to write music that really reached out and touched you. And in many ways I feel I succeeded. When I listen to "Reflect On..." I feel beside my own self. When I hear it I don't feel like I'm listening to my own composition. It so transcends my own creativity that I can just enjoy it as a listener. Same with "Traveler's Theme." Something about that groove just worms its way into my headspace and nests there for hours on end.

Since releasing "07172020" I haven't been able to recreate it. When I use it as a template, I flail. But I wonder if the trick was keeping something just in the back of my mind as creative fodder. The success of "07172020" isn't upon whether or not I channeled "Ghost of Tsushima" well or even properly, it's that I simply had it in mind as a concept. Dreaming of those golden leaves... contemplating the striking moonlight, dancing on flowers after dark... taking the time to revere poetry and stop for one's own enlightenment. These meditations helped propel the creation of "07172020" and I drew that inspiration directly from "Ghost of Tsushima." Does that make me a nerd? Idk. Maybe. Sure. Does it diminish the lasting effect of "07172020"s dreaminess? Nah. Why? I think it's awesome that I played a game so dope it fostered the creation of further art. Again, I didn't sit there and say, "I'm gonna make an album based off 'Ghost.'" But sometimes color palettes, narrative themes, and emotional imagery can be a great foundation. And that's exactly what "07172020" is.

I'm super proud of it. I love where it ended up. And I can't wait to do something like it again. I hope you're enjoying it as much as I am and please consider sharing it with a friend today. Just tell 'em your friend made some new music and you wanted to spread the word. I'll appreciate it forever.

xoxo,

M-T

[vskpop]

My 30 favourite songs of 2017

YouTube playlist ⋅ Spotify playlist

30. Don’t Recall – KARD

I’m upset with myself that last year I didn’t put Oh NaNa in my best of 2016 list because, reader, it was: it ended up as my second most played song of 2017. I didn’t listen to the follow-up Don’t Recall quite as much, but it was the song that cemented my love for KARD’s hip-hop/dancehall/pop jumble. Whoever is selecting their songs has such a flair for dance songs with a melancholy vibe, and Don’t Recall is unparalleled so far. It’s still too rare to get proper idol groups that are mixed gender, and it’s almost impossible for them to succeed. I’m so pleased that international success has been enough to keep KARD alive, even though their numbers are still abysmal at home. Live: M Countdown 17/07 – Yu Huiyeol's Sketchbook 30/08 Other songs of note: Rumor – Trust Me

  29. Heaven and Earth – Laboum

I went through a phase in which I found Laboum adorable, and then for some reason I stopped liking them as much (the reason is that ZN gets on my nerves, I’m sorry, I know). I still listened to their album Miss This Kiss for the nostalgia effect – and because lead single Hwi Hwi is damn good – and I just fell in love with 천지차이. As far as I can tell, it was never performed live, or at least not in venues where it was filmed. I hope that this kind of song keeps being given to them, and that eventually it becomes their lead single. They deserve to take a break from the cuteness. Other songs of note: Hwi Hwi

   28. Tomorrow, Today – JJ Project

I realise that I already said it when JJ Project made their comeback a few months ago, but Bounce is a modern classic in the trashiest way possible. The styling and sound that Jinyoung and JB went for in 2017 are completely different from their origins, but just as great. Tomorrow, Today is what I love about GOT7’s Fly with a dash of my favourite JYP group, DAY6. They get to show off the vocal skills they developed since we last saw them as a duo and, most of all, their range of wistful looks. Also, I love that for once they didn’t have to sing about love and how right a girl is, but rather about having to face tough decisions as they grow up. Live: M Countdown 17/08 – Genie showcase Other songs of note: Coming Home – On & On

  27. Palette – IU ft. G-Dragon

I don’t know why, I’ve never been a huge fan of IU until I watched Moon Lovers: Scarlet Heart Ryeo and found a sudden connection with her that I had never felt before. Her most recent album has helped bringing together my love for actress IU with singer IU. In an industry where being honest and clever is nobody’s priority, she manages to sound real and in control of what she does without abandoning her pop roots. I’m not sure many artists would manage to make an introspective song sound so pleasant and calm. Live:  Inkigayo 23/04 – Music Bank 28/04 Other songs of note: Can’t Love You Anymore ft. Oh Hyuk

  26. Archangels Of The Sephiroth – Stellar

If there had to be a swan song for Stellar, I’m glad it was Archangels Of The Sephiroth. With two members having already left and the other two on the way out, this was 100% the last single they put out with the formation we knew and loved, and we can’t even blame them for leaving. It’s a fact that this doesn’t have anything to do with their previous concepts, but I love the pseudo-satanic, pseudo-mystical vibe and I would have loved for them to keep going on this path. Archangels Of The Sephiroth gets more interesting with every listen, and the video is creepier with each view (bathtub of blood anyone?). As the song says, we really did love them till the end. Live: Inkigayo 09/07 – Music Bank 07/07

  25. Signal – Twice

Signal is by far the best Twice song ever – it’s interesting, kind of weird, and not necessarily super cute. Obviously the majority of the public hated it, and back to Likey we went. I love the bassline pushed right at the front, the dissonant harmonies, the fact that some of the mute members finally got to sing. Of everything they’ve released in 2017 (four comebacks is a lot for anyone) this is the only choice that doesn’t feel safe and completely within their sexy baby wheelhouse. They even get to have a proper storyline in the video, which is a rarity. Live:  Show Music Core 03/06 – Inkigayo 21/05 Other songs of note: Knock Knock – 24/7

  24. Wake Me Up – Taeyang

It’s kind of sad to think that this could be the last Taeyang single for years and years. At least it’s a ballad, so we will be able to all cry together when we listen to it after he’s enlisted.This album felt properly his – something that he created and composed, rather than something that was given to him to perform. Not that he’s ever lacked emotion, but Wake Me Up has a depth that is only second to Eyes Nose Lips. Live:  Inkigayo 20/08 – Fantastic Duo 03/09 Other songs of note: White Night – So Good

  23. Move – Taemin

This is possibly (definitely) the sexiest song of 2017. Taemin has such an eye for taking trends from the West and making them current for Korean audiences, as well as constantly changing his image while staying true to himself. I can’t get enough of the elegant electropop of Move, with the bass and the voice parts creating one of the sexiest musical combinations of 2017. Taemin carries a song that could have been much less interesting in the hands of an artist with less expressiveness. I don’t know if it’s the thought of the choreography, but this song always makes me blush a little. Live: Seoul Fashion Week – M Countdown 19/10 Other songs of note: – Rise – Day and Night

  22. Untitled 2014 – G-Dragon

If a ballad from Taeyang was expected, it certainly wasn’t from G-Dragon. I’m not sure how much truth there is the gimmick of titling the album with his real name and saying that he was finally stepping away from his persona, but Untitled 2014 feels painfully raw and real. Whatever happens from now on – after all the members of Bigbang enlist and eventually return to music – this album and this song will be a milestone in his career, and the perfect summary of what he’s done in the past eleven years. Live: ACT III M.O.T.T.E in Taipei 08/10 Other songs of note: Bullshit

  21. Change Up – Seventeen

You could take any random combination of Seventeen members and they would be able to put up an incredible show for you. This has been proven over and over by them, but I think that the Change Up subunit – the leaders of the standard subunits – has proven this definitively. I wouldn’t have thought of this song for them in a million years, yet they perform it convincingly and make it the catchiest Seventeen song of this year. Also, who knew that Woozi could have such swagger? Live: Mnet showcase Other songs of note: Don’t Wanna Cry – Clap – Habit – Rocket

  20. Rollin’ – Brave Girls

Every time I say “tropical house”, I add “drink!”. It has been so omnipresent in k-pop this year that it has been impossible to avoid. I skipped over Rollin’ the first few times I stumbled upon it because there were enough marimbas in my life, but I gave into the hype and this ended up being one of the most played songs of my year. As of last year, Brave Girls have an entirely new line-up – and yes, they did deserve a new name – and I hope that they will be the new bastion of sexy concepts now that there is no real mid-point between Laysha and cute concepts.  Live: M Countdown 03/09 – Show Champion Ep. 219

19. Never – Produce 101/Wanna One

This technically doesn’t count as a Wanna One song, but I’m pretty sure that if there is a song that symbolizes Produce 101 and the rise of the nation’s boy group, it’s Never . Written by Hui of Pentagon, another of my favourite groups, this song starts quietly, and slowly adds more elements until it gets to one of the best chorus drops of 2017. It made me wish that they had kept it for the final group instead of using it during the programme, and I wasn’t surprised at all when it was re-recorded by the final formation. Live: Wanna One version at KCON LA Other songs of note:  Energetic – Burn It Up

  18. Singing In The Rain – Jinsoul (LOONA)

Looking at the sheer amount of material that pre-debut group Loona have released this year gives me palpitations. A million members and subunits filled each month of 2017, and almost all the releases have been excellent ��� overall, they probably were the best group of the year. Jinsoul’s Singing In The Rain was my favourite song released – not by far, though, seeing the overall quality. I was especially impressed with how they managed to have Jinsoul sing and rap seamlessly, and how the song manages to be sexy without being inappropriate for a very young girl. And, of course, it’s a banger. Other songs of note: Loona released dozens of songs this year, so this is just a tiny selection of my favourites. Eclipse (Kim Lip) – new (Yves) – Sweet Crazy Love (Odd Eye Circle) – Loonatic (Odd Eye Circle) – Sonatine (1/3)

  17. Body Talk – Red Velvet

To me, this is one of the best songs by Red Velvet ever. Only a company like SM could waste it and have it  relegated to the b-sides of their mini albums; it’s a fantastic mid-tempo track that showcases the best vocal skills of the group, and allows them to sound about fifteen years older than title track Rookie. At least, in the arc of their three thousand 2017 comebacks, they managed to go from the childish image that they had patented in 2016 to the sultrier “velvet” image they have abandoned ages ago, even if it’s still paired with a “red” song. Other songs of note: Peek-A-Boo – Red Flavour – You Better Know – Would You – Talk To Me

  16. Circle’s Dream – Subin (Dalshabet)

Dalshabet haven’t had the best luck in their career. Subin is yet another amazing soloist that was in a group when she released a song, and has now left the label and disbanded her girl group. Seeing her solo by itself, it’s actually had to imagine her as part of bubbly Dalshabet: she is sensual, allusive, and her music is weird and enthralling. I love her voice and I love the ideas she has for herself – ideas that are far removed from traditional k-pop. The elements of this song are few, but she manages to create such a clever repetitive, circular structure with them, echoing the themes of the lyrics and capturing the listener. Subin is technically a solo artist now, so I am hoping we will get to hear much more of this.

  15. Yes No Maybe – Suzy

What makes me mad about Yes No Maybe is that nobody heard it. I can’t imagine how well it would have done if the now officially defunct Miss A would have released it, instead of Suzy now that her popularity is entirely tied to her acting and advertising career. It’s also true that she has always been my favourite Miss A, so it was delightful to see her come out with a debut album that does something interesting and doesn’t package her as the sexy ingenue character that she’s had since the beginning of time. Yes No Maybe strikes the balance between being  Latin, dancey song and a more introspective pop piece. Unlike half of her former group, Suzy has signed a new contract with JYP. Here’s hoping she gets to do more excellent, slightly left-field pop music. Live: &Live

  14. A Girl Like Me – Gugudan

It is still surprising that I don’t find the awkward beeping samples in the song insufferable, but the truth is that I love the weirdness and how it’s amplified by the singing parts. I already knew in February that this would be one of my favourite concepts of the year, and it is: there aren’t enough songs about how great the girls are, as opposed to their love interest. It’s not female empowerment, but I have the feeling we can’t get much closer. I love it even more considering how terrible their following comeback was . Live:  Music Bank 03/03 – SBS Korea Music Festival

  13. Island – Winner

It goes without saying that Winner is my favourite group in current k-pop, and they can hardly do any wrong in my eyes. However, this entire year could have been a disaster: they had to come back from losing a member who was the main singer and composer for the group. Island has the tropical (drink!) elements of their 2017 hit Really Really, but it’s a bit less conventional, and the video is delightful and incredibly romantic. Live: Inkigayo 06/08 Other songs of note: Really Really

  12. As If It’s Your Last – BLACKPINK

While I find most complaints against YG idiotic, it is absolutely true that having Blackpink release one single song in an entire year is ridiculous. The only good thing is that the song was brilliant, and I’m still not bored of it after having seen it performed at least fifty times. When it came out I found it really frankensteiny, but at this point the structure seems perfectly reasonable and linear to me (Stockholm syndrome at its best). Live: SBS Gayo Daejun – Show Music Core 01/07 Other songs of note: So Hot (Wonder Girls remix)

  11. Cactus – A.C.E

Every year I end up falling in love with one rookie group that will probably not see their third birthday, and in 2017 it was the turn of kings of thighs A.C.E., who singlehandedly resurrected early 90’s eurodance with their debut single Cactus . It was the one of a kind title of their song that attracted me, the weirdness of the thigh dance that drew me in, and everything else that made me stay. They are great singers, charismatic performers and can stand the most high-intensity dance of 2017 without blinking. I am so attached to A.C.E (and Dreamcatcher, full disclosure) that I broke my promise to never watch a survival show again and I am following Mixnine for them. Live:  Music Bank 02/06 – Music Bank 26/05

  10. Dinosaur – AKMU

What I love about AKMU is that when they try different genres, they always put so much of them into the song: nobody else could sing Dinosaur apart from them. It’s so simple, yet so full of detail; it’s true that it has EDM elements, but it’s not even remotely a club song. I’m still shocked every time I hear Suhyun hit those dolphin-high notes. The Stranger-Things-y video is still one of the most beautiful releases of  this year. Live: Dingo Music Other songs of note: My Darling – Reality

  9. Beautiful – Monsta X

This is yet another song of a overcrowded production that I am totally in love with. The bleeps and bloops leave plenty of space for the members to show their skill – especially Kihyun, who could sing literally anything to me at this point. Just like All In , Beautiful feels like the refined version of the chaotic, loud concepts Monsta X began with. There are raps and aggressive parts, but they are striving for a higher concept than “street urchins” now, and it’s reflected in their music. Live: 2017 MAMA in Japan – Show Champion Ep. 226 Other songs of note: Dramarama –  Now or Never – Shine Forever – I’ll Be There

  8. Runaway – Pentagon

Pentagon have already done a lot for being a group that has debuted just over a year ago. Of all these releases, Runaway is my favourite without any doubt: for me it strikes the right balance between the trendy elements that Hui has been carrying over from his Produce 101 successes, and the rougher concepts that Pentagon had to begin with. I find it hooky without being too in your face, and moody without being full-on tragic. Live:  Inkigayo 03/12 – Inkigayo 26/11 Other songs of note:  Critical Beauty – Violet – Like This – Get That Drink

  7. Boy – EXID

EXID are my everything. I feel bad for choosing Boy as my favourite song they’ve produced this year, when Night Rather Than Day was such a classy, unusual choice for them and Boy is just another dance song. Unfortunately, it’s just monstrously catchy, and my love for it eclipses (get it?) everything else they’ve released. Live: M Countdown 13/04 – Show Champion ep. 224 Other songs of note: Night Rather Than Day – DDD

  6. Chase Me – Dreamcatcher

Dreamcatcher are my rookies of the year. After scrapping the cute concept and adding a couple of members, they spent twelve months delivering a series of metal-inspired, horror-themed comebacks that managed to showcase the members’ talents.  While all their singles are amazing, there is something special about Chase Me and its chorus, mixing hammering instrumentals and creepy falsettos. There is no doubt that the only way from here is up, and there is nothing gives me as much joy as a girl group with a non-cute concept being (relatively) successful. Much bigger groups and bigger companies have refrained from embarking on international tours but Dreamcatcher have left survival show Mixnine to go on one. I can’t wait to see what these queens do in 2018. Live: M Countdown 19/01 – Music Bank 03/02 Other songs of note: Fly High – Wake Up – Sleep Walking – Good Night – Lucky Strike (Maroon 5 cover)

  5. Love & Affection – Seohyun

Seohyun’s solo came and went almost unnoticed at the beginning of this year: it was smothered by Taeyeon’s releases and the inevitable run-up to SNSD’s tenth anniversary. It really saddens me to no end that, now that Seohyun has left SM Entertainment, she seems to be going for an acting career, when she is such an amazing vocalist with such unique colours. With even her lead single receiving little attention, there was no hope for her b-sides. But Love & Affection is a masterpiece, with a booming chorus and a surprise ending, and what I hope to see if she ever decides to make more music under her new label.

  4. I Would – DAY6

There is only one criticism that I have for JYP and DAY6: there must be something else they want to do that’s not singing about love and heartbreak in pretty conventional ways. For the rest, there are only good things to say about the 25 songs they put out this year. It was hard to pick just one song to put in the list, and to be honest there are two or three other candidates I feel kind of guilty for cutting out. Live: EBS Space 11/05 – Kiss The Radio 04/08 Other songs of note: DAY6 released 25 songs this year, so this is just a tiny selection of my favourites. Goodbye Winter – You Were Beautiful – How Can I Say – I Wait – Lean On Me

  3. Good Thing – NCT 127

Despite the complete chaos that surrounds NCT at all times, I keep loving most of their releases (except Cherry Bomb , which I hated): they were my #1 and #3 most played song on Spotify with Good Thing and Limitless respectively. I love Good Thing in itself, but I also wish that NCT didn’t keep circling around that pseudo hip-hop, trappy, appropriative concept they’ve been given a million times and they did something brighter, poppier, that sets them apart from the three hundred hip-hop concepts that are going around without slipping into Astro territory. Live: M Countdown 05/01 – Show Music Core 07/01 Other songs of note: Limitless – 0 Mile – Back 2 U (AM 01:27)

  2. Tendae – Bobby

In an excruciatingly adorable interview for MTV Japan, Bobby says that with his debut album he wanted to show that he can do more than rap, and reveal his romantic side. I had already become obsessed with Bobby’s sing-rapping a long time ago, so Love And Fall gave be nothing but joy. His lyrics show that he’s capable of putting complex emotions in words, and most of all he is also completely able to translate that in his singing. 텐데 is sweet, heartbreaking, sexy. Bobby is one of the best performers of his generation, if not the best. Other songs of note:  Runaway – In Love

  1. Gashina – Sunmi

If there is one thing that Sunmi has taught us this year, it’s that there is a life after girl group disbandments. She came back singing about heartbreak and vengeance with dark humour and double entendres, a super-sexy choreography and a vibe that couldn’t be more far from the current sugary girl group trends. Everything about Gashina is iconic, from the song itself to the lyrics to the costumes to the choreography. Sunmi was without any doubt the queen of 2017. Live: Inkigayo 10/09 aka the iconic genderswapped performance – MAMA 2017 ft Taemin – Inkigayo 27/08

[starliightxo]

✨ Holly Discography & OOC Meanings ✨

Storytelling = songs not written about her life but a story she made up

Red

1. State Of Grace ~ for Haley

2. Red ~ (Storytelling) Comparing love and emotions to colours

3. Treacherous ~ Park

4. I Knew You Were Trouble ~ Park

5. All Too Well ~ Adrian

6. 22 ~ Just a feel good, having fun song

7. I Almost Do ~ Adrian

8. We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together ~ (Storytelling) just a catchy get stuck in your head song, are specifically to be a single to get attention

9. Stay Stay Stay ~ Adrian

10. The Last Time ~ (storytelling) but in a way it's about her parents and begging them to put her first when it comes to them taking Haley. Because they never considered her in all their choices and it broke her.

11. Holy Ground ~ Adrian

12. Sad Beautiful Tragic ~ Adrian

13. The Lucky One ~ Herself discovering that starting to be known and fame isn't exactly what people expect

14. Everything Has Changed ~ (storytelling)

15. Starlight (co-written with Soraya) ~ for Soraya

16. Begin Again ~ meeting Adrian again after the 4 year gap

17. The Moment I Knew ~ a birthday she spent just after she had Haley and longing for Adrian to come back even though she knew her parents wouldn't have even let him through the door even if he had. But it's not nearly as bitter @ him as the song suggests

18. Come Back... Be Here ~ Adrian

19. Girl At Home ~ (storytelling) girls supporting girls

Fifteen (EP)

(the EP based off the songs she wrote in school/post losing adrian)

1. Love Story ~ Adrian

2. Fearless ~ Adrian

3. Fifteen ~ Herself and kind of a message to Haley to put her dreams first

4. You Belong With Me ~ Adrian/Paisley but lowkey any girl taking interest in him. I.e. margo etc.

5. Better Than Revenge ~ Paisley/Margo

6. Last Kiss ~ Adrian

7. Enchanted ~ Adrian when they met again at St Judes. their first official date was at a ball esque thingy

8. Ours ~ about Adrian @ her parents and the disapproval

9. Mine ~ Adrian (Storytelling) what she imagined

Safe And Sound (EP)

(The EP about/for haley)

1. Safe And Sound ~ a lullaby for haley

2. Innocent ~ about herself in a way and trying to forgive herself for hr mistakes when it came to haley and the choices she make but also reminding her that she could stay innocent and young for as long as possible

3. Never Grow Up ~ wishing she doesn't grow up too fast because she very much did and it was terrifying

4. Untouchable ~ How haley's kept away from her

5. Breathe ~ the follow on from untouchable and not being able to breathe without her

Welcome To New York

1. Welcome To New York ~ Her love for the city and dreaming of living there

2. Blank Space ~ (Storytelling)

3. Style ~ Adrian

4. Out Of The Woods ~ the aftermath of (tw) the rape and holly fighting to get out of the dark place and there's obviously hints of Adrian in there being with her through it

5. All You Had To Do Was Stay ~ Soraya & Dallas (storytelling)

6. Shake It Off ~ speaks for itself basically for her fans

7. I Wish You Would ~ Adrian after he disappeared when she first got pregnant and they separated

8. Bad Blood ~ Anyone against her and labelling her as the mean girl. She went very theatrical and played on it. Although everyone thinks it's specifically about Hensley, she was just one name on a long list

9. Wildest Dreams ~ back when she first started at St Judes and met Julian again, his was another sing based on their first date at the ball-esque event

10. How You Get The Girl ~ at Dallas about Soraya

11. This Love ~ Adrian

12. I Know Places ~ wanting to hide from the insider and paps and opinions whether it's with Adrian or on her own.

13. Clean ~ The last song she wrote for the album and it's about (tw) the rape. It was the first thing she ever wrote about it so it's extremely personal

14. Wonderland ~ (storytelling)

15. You Are In Love ~ Adrian

16 . New Romantics ~ St Judes/Monroe life

Reputation

1. Ready For It? ~ preparing for battle in a way. this was one of if not her biggest album and it was all about her fighting back and taking control of her public narrative. She wrote/sang about things you'd never expect and said ings you'd never expect so it's getting ready for that

2. End Game ~ Adrian

3. I Did Something Bad ~ Everyone who did her wrong and called her the mean girl

4. Don't Blame Me ~ Adrian

5. Delicate ~ Adrian

6. Look What You Made Me Do ~ are you ready for it 2.0

7. So It Goes... ~ Adrian

8. Gorgeous ~ Adrian/Haley/Soraya

9. Getaway Car ~ Park

10. King Of My Heart ~ Adrian

11. Dancing With Our Hands Tied ~ Adrian

12. Dress ~ Adrian

13. This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things ~ about the shit she gets for winning awards

14. Call It What You Want ~ Adrian and their relationship but it's aimed at their parents

15. New Years Day ~ painting a nice picture of new years day (because She was (tw) raped on new years eve night just before midnight) and basically how Adrian was there for her the day after and picked her back up

Lover

1. I Forgot That You Existed ~ anyone not on her side and lowkey about the guy who r*ped her. Although that's on her mind a lot, this would have been her when she's enjoying her time with someone and she forgets for one night. Or how she wishes she could forget about him for good.

2. Cruel Summer ~ probably her brief rebound of a relationship with park tbh and she convinced herself it was love to try and make herself feel better about the guilt. But ultimately they both knew it wasn't good or going to work.

3. Lover ~ about Holly and Adrian finally being in complete control of their relationship but still having insecure moments where she worries about losing him, but he's there every time. It speaks for itself mainly tbh.

4. The Man ~ the feminist jumped out LOL she aimed for this one to be relatable in every sense cause she knows it's a very common topic. But some things jump out from her own experiences like: "when everyone believes ya, what's that like?" About the r*ape trial.

5. The Archer ~ I love how holly it is 😩 reflecting on how she handled certain situations like things with hensley (bad blood) and how she's made a lot of mistakes. And being lowkey terrified she'll lose people because of it. I think mainly Adrian and Soraya tbh.

6. I Think He Knows ~ Adrian

7. Miss Americana And The Heartbreak Prince ~ about the negative affects caused by st Jude's and "fame" and having Adrian there through it all. The second first specifically would be about the night of the r*pe and when she told Adrian and he was the one of the only ones who cared what the truth was. Personally I think this is the most holly song on the album! I knew exactly what she'd write it about as soon as I heard it lol

8. Paper Rings ~ Adrian

8. Cornelia Street ~ kinda Begin Again 2.0 for holly and it basically being about that first time she saw Adrian again after they're 4 years apart and the fear she had of losing them/him again. I especially feel the line "It's the kind of heartbreak time could never mend"

9. Death By A Thousand Cuts (storytelling)

10. London Boy ~ her dream has always been to live in New York so she's kinda made herself new York in this album and Adrian's the London boy, even though he isn't English LOL? but their relationship lives in London basically. And she loves NY but she'd go wherever he is instead.

11. Soon You'll Get Better ft The Dixie Chicks ~ Soraya's health problems, how much her wellbeing means to holly and how desperately she needs her to just be okay all the time.

12. False god ~ I picture her breakup with Adrian back when she was pregnant and they were kids. How it all went to shit but that small hope still there "We might just get away with it." She probably would have taken snippets from old journals back from that time for this.

13. You Need To Calm Down ~ It's about ever form of love

14. Afterglow ~ this one hits me so much and cause I'm so invested in holly and adrian, hurts my heart. Basically apologising for hurting him ever, mainly with Park. But lowkey the r*pe thing too. Even tho he'd never be mad or blame her for that, she blamed herself at one point. And She panics regularly that it would ruin them.

15. ME! ~ a confidence boost for herself, her friends and her fans.

16. It's Nice To Have A Friend ~ being in love with your best friend. Also how I picture her and Adrian starting out in school.

17. Daylight ~ about how her and Adrian both had other things while they weren't together, but since they got back together, it was like stepping back into the daylight and nothing can be as perfect as that feeling they have with each other. They never really had it with anyone else.

Folklore

1. The 1 ~ (storytelling)

2. Cardigan ~ recently holly has defo felt kind of forgotten about and falling into the shadows. And as always, Adrian is slowly started to pull her out of her dark place.

3. The Last Great American Dynasty ~ awhile ago Adrian bought them a kind of holiday home and she wrote a story about the previous owner (storytelling)

4. Exile ft Bon Iver ~ the last song she wrote for the album. Her and Adrian recently broke up and have one of if not their biggest arguments and this was about that

5. My Tears Ricochet ~ Her Parents

6. Mirrorball ~ about being what the media want you to be and being perfect and when you fall and break they watch as if it's entertainment

7. Seven ~ (storytelling) a childhood friendship where one is suffering (tw) in am abusive household and the other wants to rescue them. It's also about wanting to stay young as long as possible and when we stopped doing the little things only children get away with

8. August ~ Park

9. This Is Me trying ~ Herself and her struggle to hold it all together. She defo would have had that moment of being on the edge of a cliff and having the moment she decided to back away from it

10. Illicit Affairs ~ Park

11. Invisible String ~ Adrian

12. Mad Woman ~ Herself and women in general

13. Epiphany ~ (storytelling) a couple/people during world war 2

14. Betty ~ (storytelling)

15. Peace ~ for Adrian

16. Hoax ~ (storytelling)

17. The Lakes ~ wanting to run away but of course only with Adrian

Other Songs

Back To December

Sparks Fly

Mean

Long Live

Beautiful Ghosts

Christmas Tree Farm

I Don't Wanna Live Forever

Babe ft Sugarland

Only The Young