#i wasnt expecting this job to be so tough

[hellsite-detective]

hey detective! can you find the original "oohb i have plany off time" post? i can't seem to find it.

trackin' down this post was hard enough, but gettin' the link? that was a whole other challenge. see, i went to my usual source, the good ol' google search bar, and asked them about the post. they handed me a couple screenshots. so i typed in the username and went to the blog that posted it. however, this wasn't the same blog. their original blog was deactivated, and they moved to a new one with the same name. trackin' down their original blog was hard, as it didn't exist anymore, but i eventually did it. but that posed a problem. i found the post, but couldn't get the link because it was gone. and tryin' to reverse engineer the post through reblogs was proving to be a futile effort.

i was ready to throw in the towel when i had a brilliant idea. i copied the webpage link to the archived post into this post, and saved it as a draft. i then opened that draft on the mobile app and clicked the link. instead of taking me to the archived webpage, i was brought straight to the original post on tumblr. i copied the link on mobile, pasted that into the draft, and there it was. the link.

enjoy this one! i sure hope this is what you were lookin' for, considerin' the original phrase is from a youtube comment. but i think this should satisfy you!

Post Case: Closed

[drev-the-procrastinator]

love waking up to my mom giving me an ultimatum and ordering that i have to give up my (admittedly expensive) apartment 1n 2 weeks and move back home for good. i had stuff to do today but i guess being gripped by dread and anxiety works too

[verycorrectlegomovie]

Emmet: I have edge.

Lucy: You really don’t. You are literally the most wide-eyed person I’ve ever seen. You have the face of a cartoon lamb.

[bananaactivity]

How is Ben different from his canon self aside from not being the High King of a union/federation of kingdoms and a bit older? How is his relationship with his parents different especially with that awful father of his?

I’d say both his parents are stressing him the fuck out. I decided that the beast curse was given to Ben as a baby because King Adam was cocky about how he beat his just in the nick of time. And there is no way to break it this time which Ben has a lot of trama about.

Think of it like Edas curse from the owl house… it’s something he’ll have to learn to work with for his whole life. It’s not a big secret though, everyone knows. His mom was in a situation like Mal in D2 where she was trying to assimilate into a world she didn’t fit in. Unlike that movie she actually completed the transition and has lost a lot of OG Bella’s kindness and quick wit. She’s obsessed with Ben finding the perfect partner and that’s why Ben has always felt that he couldn’t be alone. King James is distant with his son due to the curse even though it was HIS fault.

Auradon is no longer a bunch of kingdoms together either. It’s one kingdom and it has the barrier around it. Other fairy tale and fable kingdoms found in the Disney universe have their own kingdoms all around the globe. Including Atlantis and other planets. Think of Auradon like the Hamptons, a beautiful place where the wealthy go to visit and the extreme elite get to live. (That would mean Ben created extremely selective affirmative action 😅) I do like it better this way because it’s easier to understand. Every location in Disney cannon can exist if they get their own space. Yes that means the VKs can leave the isle but no other place would let them live a good life. Or at least a liveable life. So they all congregate there.

Here’s an excerpt from that Benjay fic im working on it needs lots of reworking though…

Being a Prince was a tough job. There was so much pressure on him to be a great future king. One major aspect of that was his future spouse; his mother was always bothering him relentlessly on the topic as he grew up. “ Benjamin, Darling you must choose a good spouse, it is imperative to the people's perception of you.” his mother would often say. The constant narrative of “dont be alone” was always pressed on him so hard in fact that he couldn't bare the thought of being alone. It got so bad that that he went with the first present options of someone to court. It was stressful when he and Audrey were courting, the constant trailing during dates stressed him out as well as the media coverage analyzing their every move. Aubrey herself seemed more concerned with the respect that comes with being a queen. Nobody really liked her very much, but she was pretty and she was sweet during those first years. Unfortunately that all faded as the years went by and he felt there was no way out. He couldn't be alone.

Then came Mal, she was beautiful and sweet. But she was hopelessly in love with her best friend and her best friend felt the same. It almost became this mad rush to him to wed her before she could leave and yet he felt so bad about it. He didnt want to be alone. But he pushed it and was alone any how. The big ass walls in his dorm felt like a cage. What was he to do but sit in his room and cry. And he was alone which he didnt want to be. Then Jay showed up. Jay. handsome, good at Tourney, an excellent swords-man and his closets friend. Looking into his concerned brown eyes he remembered leaping into his arms. There wasnt much conversation to be has as he was a bawling mess. All he could remember from that night was staring into those eyes for as long as he could and making a move that even he didnt expect. He kissed his best friend. And it felt good, really good. The best part of this situation was that the amazing feelings completely washed over the awful ones that led him to that very moment.Until Jay moved away, he was expressing concerns about the sudden atmosphere; yet he was into it. He had kissed him back and moved his face to kiss him again once they got over that little hurdle. The time spent felt… really nice. It was more intense than anything that had happened before for him. But maybe that was because he had thrown himself so totally into the sensations at play so that no semblance of sadness could worm their way back into his heart.

It was such a drug that they both implored to keep it up. He defended this continuous indulgence with the belief that it was allowing him to show his face on campus.Spending time suffocating in his fancy prince class: “ Kinging 101: The study of Class Disparity” waiting for the pleasant feeling of rough calloused hands pushing him into the corridor just near the lecture room. Every time he felt those hands he breathed a sigh of relief.

Jays perspective is on my page somewhere… anyone that’s all I got

[fruit-salad-ship]

I remember that Plum had difficulty getting Missy to listen to her for a while, right? I have to wonder, in the Ranger AU, does Peach help Plum connect with Missy more? Is there a joyous moment where, after finally connecting fully with Missy, Missy evolves into Dragonair and Peach is looking on proudly as the two are celebrating? And then they both come over to Peach, and thank her, saying they'd never have gotten this far without her help? And then they kiss XD

their start is the same. Missy is unruly, clearly struggling with ADHD, and peach's job back home is to handle difficult pokemon. This little dragon is nothing compared to that. YET STILL at the start when the girls bickered, missy would give away their position, wouldnt listen to commands, was always scooting off, she was a liability.

During their arguing and butting heads phase, peach snuck out at night while plum slept, and took missy with her. They trained in secret so that the groups grade could increase and theyd succeed a lot more missions. Plum learnt of this when missy wouldnt respond to her in the field, but peach whistled once, and plums mon was back in line.

Missy was at this point proof that peach's family methods, which ere barbaric at best, didnt have to be the only way. She used missy as trainign for herself, to learn how to coax a pokemon to do things with a softer touch, reward systems, working with their skills, not just grinding out traits that werent needed for combat.

This of course initially made plum both shocked and then quickly furious. They argued about it. How dare peach go behind her back like that? And of course peach snaps back with the 'i'd not have to if you did your damn job and trained your partner right.' They fight like this for weeks. its tense in the dorm, they avoid each other, all other students wont even TRY to rekindle this mess.

Eventually teachers pick up on their bad energy and send them out to work in the field together, first years, a minor task, nothing crazy, but they'd have to camp out for a long weekend. This gives way to peach actually doing something reasonably mature for her, and apologising. She should have said, or asked, or even shown plum. She wasnt sure it would work, didnt want to offer up faulty training advice to her and seem like she didnt know what she was doing (because this was new territory for peach, carrot not stick methods)

They sort of meet in the middle, and peach starts to show her how to handle missy better. They come back to the academy better off, and the bad energy has passed. Plum learns more and more every day, and the pair train pretty much most evenings after class, tricks and methods masked as games, their pokemon bond, save for val who's always been a distant sort, but she too became tolernat of this new setup.

Eventually in the 3rd year, peach has 6 pokemon on her belt, all of which she loves dearly, and has grown beside. Plum sits happy at 4, and during their final practical exam, faced with a tough foe that was refusing to calm down, Missy evolves, the task is complete, and they pass the final hurdle with flying colours.

Of course the whole time plums been learning how to handle her whole team, but missy was always her first and most precious baby, so that she was now this elegant, strong, capable pokemon was really the icing on the cake for her. Peach just looks at the pair and sees how they mirror each other. Plum really was no different, a little ditsy, but very smart, and elegant, and quick, theyre one in the same, just like she is with val. Its humbling to see them this happy, and perhaps even a little gratifying knowing she had even the tiniest hand in helping them get here.

They have a battle after the evolution, once back at the academy, rested and ready, these little mock fights brought them together, and as their pokemon fought, the girls realised just how far theyd come. plum barely loses, but its to be expected, Val really is a monster, the ace up the sleeve, but the defeat is sweet. they stand there and watch their pokemon mess around in the cool night air, runnign riot in the woods behind the school, sat on a log chatting.

Plum thanks Peach, finally. It comes out so easily after all these years, rivals, friends, lovers? they didnt really know what to call this all. but no matter what, they had each others backs, always. The thank you is shrugged off, peach didnt do it for praise, she did it because it was the right thing to do, but notices the hand on hers appear gently. it stays there, she doesnt flinch away, plum doesnt remove her touch, they watch their pokemon play and sit in comfortable silence.

on the way back, plum takes a gamble, they get ready to sneak back in, clambering up the pipe by their room window, peach pulled sideways by the tug on her hoody that brought her down lower, a warm soft kiss left on her lips that she didnt know what to do about, stood in the dark as plum shimmied her ass up the gutter and into ther room, not a word said.

she stands there. looks at val, looks at booker, they both look back, none know what to say. by the time she gets back in the dorm plums gone to the bathrooms to shower, and shes left sat there wondering what comes next from here? for them?

[walnutcookie]

Infodump on your AUs where Langue has multiple siblings, NOW!

AH !!!!! SALUTES. SIR YES SIR !! (TYSM FOR THIS ASK ANON AUUUAEUAUUEUEUEHEE<33 I WASNT EXPECTING ANYONE TO ASK ME ABT THIS /POS ...)

okay so. i shall go au by au

Bredele de Cassonade AU

This one is,, not really an au of mine?? I guess just my friends fanon FHSDKFDK for context bredele de cassonade (or just dele for short) is langue de chats sibling who is owned by @/localhypnofruit!!! zey were originally created and designed by me for an au where langue wasnt born (name will not be mentioned for Reasons) though we loved the goober a bit too much X] Socks has taken ownership and developed deles personality and such, while i adore them i prefer to keep langue as an only child in my own headcanon universe because i feel like it works really well for their character. ALTHOUGH me and socks still enjoy discussing the two,, In short dele looks up to langue since they appear very intelligent and confident and strong but in reality langue is a jealous little fuck who just sees dele as competition and just lies to his face because they can and it makes them feel like theyre better than zem. Langue is a lawyer while dele is a doctor (stereotypical Big Boy jobs) and they are disgusted by deles entire career because they have a weak stomach and cant stand gore of any kind and again they feel like they need to out-perform dele and be better than zem in every way HFSDJF

I dont think that the original Dele au really counts so i wont give it a section but its worth an honorable mention!! They technically arent siblings since langue was never born and thus dele basically replaced them (which of course comes with a LOOT of bitter feelings and EXTREME jealousy) and not even their parents know who they are,, so. Technically siblings but not exactly

Xylitol Langue AU

This was another au me and socks talked about :] well. it was more of a Concept actually we didnt do much with it HFSDJHFSDKJ in short (from my memory) Langue is an alien from planet xylitol who gets sent to earthbread to learn more about it and ends up being adopted by deles family aka their canonical parents. Struggles to adapt and is very homesick but i think they grow very close with dele.? i dont remember and i dont feel like checking so um. hi army if youre reading this sorry if i got it wrong HELP

BNB AU

This is. You guessed it. another au with langue and dele YAAAY!!! thats actually 90% of these aus but they all have very different relationships which is why im still listing them HFJSDHJF in this one langue trains and studies as hard as they can to become a magical (magical girl gender neutral) and then becomes a kingdom-wide celebrity and completely forgets about their family because they are so blinded by their stardom. Sad ! dele misses them dearly </3

Molasses AU

Another langue and dele au <3 in this one their parents ended up dying when they were Very young so they were adopted by one of their parents siblings named molasses,, who is very neglectful. Literally does not care one ounce about these kids and yet still gets pity from the rest of their extended family because he took in the poor little orphan siblings. Langue and dele become very VERY close, literally inseparable and as self-reliant as they can be. langue is confident and Loud enough to speak up for both of them "excuse me they asked for NO pickles" while dele is more emotional and physical support :] since dele is quite quiet and langue sucks at comfort and care. Basically the second they can they get out of molasses' house and move in with each other and langue sues his ass the SECOND they can FHDFHDS the two of them still end up struggling a lot though </3 Langue is still very tough on dele but more in a caring way than just an Im Better Than You way

Choco Family AU

this is SHOCKINGLY not a dele au!! This one is about langue being adopted into the Choco B family (choco bar, choco ball, my oc choco bass and @/vnillatree's oc choco bark :]) Theyre the one Chill One and then their siblings are energetic and athletic and very VERY rough they keep ending up in wrestling matches when they never wanted to wrestle in the first place. Torture langue simulator. Family of annoying athletes and their one nerdy sibling

TYSM AGAIN FOR THIS ASK <333 I appreciate it so much i love being asked things randomly.. The best...... I have more aus but this is all ill list for now hehehe

[syrupspinner]

steam next fest 3 the finale maybe

i have recently become much less confident that nextfest is all one word, also

yeah, its missing some pizzaz, like music and sfx work, but the devs are pretty open about it being early so ill look past it. the gimmick itsself is fun! its simple and straightforward in a good way, and i like how it iterates on runs. the good items taking up more physical space and getting burried in your deck is a really good expression of balance. good little roguelike! wishlisted and played for way longer than i thought i would

straight up couldnt get this one to work. no buttons or keys do shit. i unplugged my controller, relaunched it, a bunch of stuff, still stuck on the first screen. shame, i was really looking forward to giving it a shot

this is a good demo! it does a good job at presenting the game and letting you know what its all about. i got the basics really solidly, and i see how the additional environments would iterate on the core gameplay loop. i dont think this ones for me, it seems a bit too sandboxy and score-based for me, but i recognize that this is a well made game and i think itll be really enjoyable for its target audience. check it out if you like simulator/management things, or if you want to try the genre out!

okay, just finished the tutorial, and im kinda split. first, the action feels great and the movement it stellar but yeesh this controller binding is messing me up. it only feels comfortable for me to keep one finder on the front of the controller, and i switch between the bumpers and the triggers with just my index. literally the only games that arent comparable with this approach, by expecting you to use bumpers AND triggers simultaneously, is this and hotline miami 2. the worst part is, i only figured out how weird this feels by the second-to-last tutorial, so i gotta redo all of it with kbm. after that, the game felt a lot more reasonable to get my fingers around (i probably wouldve switched spacebar and shift if i played longer), and i can confirm that the controller layout is my only obstacle to this kick-ass game. i will say that i wasnt expecting it to be a survival game? i thought itd be kind of a roguelike progression-through-a-dungeon thing, but its more about staying in a small space and defending. i already had this one wishlisted, and im glad i know what to expect now, this seems like itll be an interesting "kill 20 minutes before bed" game (in a good way! i love those)

right away, this feels like its to scotland what kisima innitchuna is to alaskan first nations. only its all stop motion and the entire ost sounds like a simon & garfunkle open house. maybe this comparison is stupid, the point is that this is awesome and you need to play it now. it may look like you get what the games about when you look at it, but it feels different to control. i dunno how to explain it, the artstyle makes the controls feel... different in a neutral way? please just try it, words fail me. this may very well be a once-in-a-lifetime game

game froze midway through the opening. man, bad luck today. it gotr working in the end, and MAN does this make me feel like a game reviewer. the game isnt hard per se, i can beat all the levels pretty easily, but the game asks you to be pretty damn talented if you want those a ranks. replay the level, route the best way to kill everyone as efficiently as possible. by the end youre gonna feel like harding. i feel like the full games gonna be a bit to tough for my blood, but im gonna have a stellar time watching the action from the sidelines. catch this at GDQ 2026

yeah i uh. went back to play more. damn this is more fun than i thought itd be, this is a good ass roguelike

before you read on, let it be known that this is objectively one of the best made and well put-together games ive tried this entire festival and all of my gripes with it are from personal preference. trying this game has led me to understand what people enjoy about punch-out (its clear inspiration) better than any 15 minute video essay could: its a puzzle game that relies on twitch reflexes and trial-and-error. its your job as a player to be attentive to the bosses's minute difference of animation to tell you exactly how to dodge and exactly when to strike. thats a great game! i feel genuinely remiss that i dont like trial and error and split-second weaknesses, or else i wouldve enjoyed this game way more. if youre on the fence about it, please give it an honesty try, this game knows exactly what to be and how to be it. the animation is great, both from the perspective of telegraphing attacks and just looking fantastic, the games vibe and personality is choice, and the gameplay itself is tight as hell. please just give it a shot

i guess thats the beauty of a demo, huh? it lets you figure out if youre gonna like a game before you commit to it. i hope if you take anything away from this 3-part... idk what youd call it, i kinda just gave my opinion about shit. look, im trying to tell you to try these games out yourself, hopefully this helped you figure out what is and isnt worth trying according to your own personal taste. and if youre not sure, give it a try anyway. demos are free, yknow

[sailoryooons]

Hi Hali.. I think it was you who said you work in marketing but Im sorry if it wasnt.. Do you like marketing? Im graduating soon and I dont know where to start with jobs in marketing.. its overwhelming

Haiiii yes! I do work in marketing but I work in sports marketing which, to be totally upfront, is a lot different than just marketing. I have briefly worked outside of sports marketing for a hotel and even briefer for a global realty brokerage and I hated both. That being said - I think that's very specific to me because I have been in professional sports since 2014 so being outside of it and trying to give myself experience gave me trauma both times oidgjodigj.

I can speak specifically as it relates to sports marketing, which I really enjoy. Partially because I am really good at it, but also because the KPIs/expectations are pretty straightforward: sell tickets, support the organization's initiatives, and brand management. I always tell people that whatever you've learned in your marketing classes will be mostly irrelevant to the job in the sports world because your tactics/approach/understanding of marketing is different than selling a product or whatever.

All that being said - yes I like being in marketing. I do know that the job market for marketing is incredibly tough and the one caveat I always offer to being in this industry specifically is that you are often expected, as a marketing person, to be proficient in social media, advertising, graphic design, email marketing, website management, analytics and branding. Like you're almost always expected to be a lead in all of those which is exhausting and.... those are all full time jobs haha.

I hope this remotely helped/answered your question. I'm always happy to explain more how I got into what I do or like where to look for roles etc. I just am so niche that my experience might be pretty limiting unless you want to be in pro sports!

[lylilorden]

12 Questions for 12 Followers

thanks @dreamingthroughthenoise!!

1. Are you named after anyone?

nope! kind of the opposite, almost. ultrasound technology wasnt.... the best..... around when i was born, so my parents were expecting a boy, and then like twelve hours before i was born my mom had a funny feeling and they started shuffling through name books until they found my names. ha, jokes on them i grew up to be agender anyway

2. When was the last time you cried?

idk, probably no more than two days ago. i never used to cry, and now i cry at everything

3. Do you have kids?

i have my internet hellions @potatoesandsadness and @depressedwetnapkin, and also two baby nieces who i love a lot (but who taught me that yeah i probably dont want my own children. they are exhausting)

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot?

mm, i guess? i try to only do it if its obviously a joke bc i have a hard time telling when other people are sometimes, and i dont want anyone to struggle to interpret what im saying

5. What's the first thing you notice about people?

in person, probably height? im pretty short so its a notable feature for me. online, i guess whatever the first handful of posts i see from them have in common?

6. What's your eye color?

bluegreengrey. they shift color depending on what im wearing and sometimes with my mood

7. Any special talents?

the first time i cook something it always turns out really well, and im good at remembering numerical passcodes and passwords. it took me exactly one time seeing it used to remember the code to the mail room door at my job (and my reward for that is that my boss always sends me over now to check it lmao)

8. What are your hobbies?

i read a lot, trad pub and fanfic (my favorite novel i've read this year is 'a taste of gold and iron' by alex rowland. my ao3 history is between me, myself, and i. god is not invited to this party, not even by implication). allegedly, i also write fic. im not very good at video games but i love playing uno on discord's knock-off uno app with @quack-snail-umbrella. im taking a ceramics class again bc i really enjoy it and that's the best and easiest way to get my hands on the materials. pressing plants for my collection, and occasionally making really stupid memes in a drawing app to inflict on my discord friends about niche things. does collecting books count as a hobby?

9. What sports do you play/have played?

i did gymnastics as a kid, and ice skating. i did archery in my teens, and nothing else since, bc between those three things ive made every single one of my joints permanently angry at me

10. How tall are you?

5' 2" with a lil upwards wiggle room

11. Favorite subiects in school?

art and history in high school, all my applied botany and ecology type classes im taking currently for my AS right now

12. Dream job?

that's kind of a tough one. i guess anything that helps me make a material, positive impact on the world? im not super picky i just want to not hate my job

tagging: everyone i already tagged up in my answers, @doodle-do-wop @displayheartcode @tethysresort @dear-rat-boi @my-insanity-is-an-artform @flaim-ita @sparklecryptid @chili-the-kid @kanafinwe-makalaure and anyone who feels like doing this

[emmacreatures]

A NIGHT OUT

Okay so. NGL, I was struggling to find what to write about. I had like 10 little small stories, but usually.. Once I started to writr in detail, one thing after another popped up. I actually half way got so emotional, but I'm like... Honestly so happy again of how this story turned out... I hope you all enjoy! Featuring Muller and Curran~

Its been a while now working at the RDA. It was a major shock a few months ago for Muller to see Curran live in the flesh again.. But different. Having figured his memories were blocked, Muller had a hard time to adjust to see him or even handle eye contact at that. His heart was just in pain, but he didnt want it to overtake him completely, despite how hard it was. As literal months had passed, the man wanted to tackle this the best way, despite you can imagine its rough for someone to see their original soulmate, know nothing about you, while you know everything. Surprisingly enough, Curran seemed to click well with Muller.. It was just his nature. Muller on the first hand tried to avoid any closure, whether it meant to work together, or any kind of interaction.. But despite he was trying to avoid any confrontation, he too knew it could lead to worser things if he was to run away from everything, and Muller wasnt a person to do that.. Especially since Curran would have no clue why. The man did ask two times if anything was wrong.. But he too assured Muller to stop tensing up around him, taking his word.. Curran couldnt know.. But Muller tried to make the best of it at this point, with the time that passed and how he knew it would be inevitable to avoid him.. He didnt even want it, but he didnt know what his emotions could cause, considering the man was his whole world and more. He told himself it was a new life, and while it was harsh.. Might as well make the best out of it.

Eclipse was approaching, as per usual, Muller was just working while most people were already stopping for the day.. Sighing as through all this time he hadnt been able to get into pandora at night yet. Having his own lab definitely had benefits, he had his own private space to do his own research. The RDA knew the impact Muller had, especially since he was the one thinking of the recom project in the first place.. So as much as they gave him quite the freedom with his lab, letting him out of it was a different story. He wanted samples so badly to do research on the nature of pandora and figure out why specific chemicals did what they did, but the RDA had become stricter of who went out and who did not... Especially to Muller. The one person did they not want to loose out of their might.

Sighing deeply as Muller was stuck on his research, a gentle but strong knock came from his door, making his ears perk up.. At this hour? "Come in?" he asked gently, noticing Curran, seeming a bit tired peek through the door. A man he honestly at this rate did not expect. "do you mind?... I'm getting rather tired of all those men talking about god knows what.. I felt like this was the calmest place I could go to" Curran said manly and tired, making Muller smile before explaining. "Oh no, not at all... there is not much happening here though. but please, feel free to" he said gently, noticing the man entering the room and closing the door behind him before letting himself just flop onto one of the comfortable chairs that were around. "Must've been some tough jobs.." "100%.. They know what to use us for" curran replied before gently sighing, crossing his arms while sinking into his seat.. Having his eyes closed to come at peace. In the moment, Muller looked towards the man, smiling as he seemed to really need it. Feeling surprised he came his way. It was so twisted yet fun to see for Muller, that somehow, despite he even tried hard to keep his distance, Curran's welcoming energy which really seemed to appear in all the versions god could possibly make of him.. or in this case eywa. It was literally unavoidable to meet again, even with Muller's trying. So instead of fighting it.. He just let whatever happened happen, but he was careful, very, for his own sake.

Some time definitely passed, perhaps an hour or two. Curran had taken a nap in some way, but stayed conscious.. Just finally able to hear himself think as the manly recom group could be alot to deal with.. He opened his eyes gently to see the man struggle abit. Just the fact Curran was able to 'regroup' himself sorta.. Gaining his energy as he was able to destress within no time, he gained curiosity to what the man was doing. "What are you working on? You seem to struggle despite I know you're known for your work" Curran said gently for he sat up better, finally feeling refreshed and thankful he could just sit down in peace at Muller's lab.

Muller was surprised to hear a sudden noise from him after two hours, looking at his notes and computers.. "I'm currently trying to see how.. Things flow through the earth here. How its possible so many connections happen with the speed of light... Its unlike anything we ever saw on earth.. But as much as I'm not allowed to say it, the RDA was rather rough with the samples, in which several I couldnt use. I just wish I could go out there, especially at night" Muller explained for Curran tilted his head, rolling a little closer with his chair. "You should've known the person I always worked with. Grace, she.. Would kick their asses and just demand it. Thats not my nature, but they dont allow me to go out there from the times I've tried, not that I've been so forward about it." Muller admitted as he wasnt the most harsh person at all, for Curran frowned gently. "you're not allowed to? As a scientist at that?" The man asked rather questionable towards the RDA, making Muller scoff in an innocent way. "Sounds a bit weird right.. I feel like the Rda wants to keep an eye on me, i guess because i'm important to them and do most of the stuff.. Especially at night" He gently said, making Curran raise his head a bit, attracting Muller's attention. "First of all, do not assume you're not important, because you are" the man said quite clear, making Muller's ears softly fold.. something he almost rememberd from human Curran.. Protective and watchful over his friends and more, remembering people they were always loved and important.

"secondly, what did they exactly tell you concerning this matter" Curran sounded strong and very serious, making Muller swallow for he was just a bit in shock to see how much the man was.. Like he knew him.. Shaking it off quickly, he replied. "the requirements would be someone of the units or any type of bodyguard has to come with me. I cant go without anyone, but they're busy most of the time, nor do they want to babysit me, because I know thats how they look at it." Muller said as his ears folded, quickly picking himself up from. "It doesnt matter.. I have everything already that I technically needed" Muller said to shake it off, but Curran thought differently about it. Very. "if they say you need a boydguard from the recom or any unit, which would be the only reason you cant go, I'll go with you" the man sounded so determined and serious, making Muller turn fully to the man.. "Wait. Really?" "if thats what they want, I'm eligiable right, I'm from those units, so we're going" Curran said as he stood up, which made Muller realize the man was very serious about it. "wait NOW?" the man said in shock and very excited in one tone, making Curran turn to the man. "you needed the things especially at night? So lets go-" "But what if you have any important things to do, this can wait Curran-" Muller tried to shush the man gently, but Curran was aimed on what he wanted to do. "This is very important for you, which makes it important to me too. Lets go, that way we still have the whole night" Curran said for he convinced Muller all the way, making the man sigh in an almost defeated way, for trying to stop him which was hopeless, smiling as he followed the man.

An hour later.. And with a lot of haggling with the RDA, Curran and Muller officially were in the jungle, dropped off by one of the recom pilots who luckily had a spot left to go. Slowly getting into the jungle, Curran gently followed Muller who seemed to know his way almost perfectly, the nerd that he was. After a while, curran at times raised his gun that he held for safely, putting it on his back once he saw nothing could happen.

"I can see what they meant for you being well protected, despite fullfilling their wishes on what was nessesairy, they still had a hard time letting you go" Curran said as he walked confidently, noticing pandora all lit up.. Taking the time to look at it now. "I thought i was alone on seeing it, but I guess it helped you mentioning that this had quite the priority for my research.." Muller said as he sighed, turning to Curran. "thank you, so much" He said, seeing Curran nodded his head once as a response as a soft smile appeared on the soldier's face, making Muller swallow as it felt so new, yet so familair.. making him move further into the jungle while the man watched him.

"Ah, here it is!!" Muller said so excited, almost running before kneeling down infront of beautiful almost mushroom like shape, stuck to a huge tree.. that glew like the galaxy.. Taking samples of everything. "This is a Panopyra.. One of the most well developed specimens ever recorded" Muller just started talking, for his soft nature of wanting to share came upfront. "In na'vi they call it a Tawtsngal, or well sky cup. Its said it comes as close as an actual jelly fish in our world, or well, previous world. But it doesnt stop there. Its a new evolution towards a primitive nervous system, even among pandora, which is why I needed these samples, to see how this specimen does what it does" Muller said for Curran softly approached, taking the gun in his hand before kneeling down a bit closer, watching exactly what Muller did. "So what does it do?" he asked genuinely interested, for Muller continued. "Its like those meat eater plants.. Through its special genes, it attracts prey, for it makes beautiful and almost medicine like water for us Na'vi, but tend to be dangerous to feed itself among the prey animals, luring it in. The question is.. How does it do it. How does it lure prey like that" Muller said before he laughed. "And another funfact.. The growing tips of the stems with their sensory cells are said to be an attractant and aphrodisiac and often worn by young Na'vi who are looking for a mate.. So it can not only lure prey, but also lure other na'vi when used in such matter" Muller said as the idea made him smile, before noticing or well catching himself to ramble.. Sighing.

"i'm rambling am I.. I'm possibly boring you out or make you regret you took a scientist all the way here in your free time" Muller said as Curran shook his head gently, a soft yet so welcoming low laughter left his body. "Did you hear me say any of that? I feel like I havent told you something in that direction have i? Maybe even at that, we should give this plant a try, see if it actually does work" Curran said with a smirk, having heard what this plant can do so went in on that for fun yet intelligent, but especially.. reassuring with just a couple of words and body language that he was in fact incredibly interested to listen to Muller and that he should continue.. Who just was silent for a bit to process.. he felt like he didnt dare to get attached again.. but the soft invitable energy of Curran made him slowly open his doors again. he could see this wasnt planned, nor faked.. the man was just like that.. Muller at times almost cursed inside despite it wasnt his nature.. How could one man, be so beautiful in so many ways. His soul was like none other. "dont underestimate the power of pandora Curran" muller eventually said after letting things sink in, seeing Curran was waiting on hearing more of Muller. "So, what else is there around here, care to explain some?" Curran asked as he at this point kneeled close to Muller, who softly blushed a little, trying to hold himself a bit together as a lot of emotions crawled through his body.. But just as he was explaining some more... something miraculous happened.. "You really have to tell me when I just tell too much.. I just- get so fascinated by so many things..." Muller explained before he noticed..

"Atokirina..." Muller said, almost speechless at this point, seeing several woodsprites, come down towards the two, one in particular decided to softly go towards Curran, who was still kneeling on the ground while watching the thing approach him, not moving.. "I suppose these.. They dont hurt do they" Curran said.. For most recom's would've already hit them away like Jake even did.. Curran noticed Muller's response, sensing these things were special. If they would've been dangerous, the scientist would've told him. "what are they?" Curran asked gently, noticing one of them resting on his shoulder, for he looked at it closely, feeling it walk.. so gently over his skin.. "You've been blessed Curran.." Muller said as tears filled his eyes of joy.. If he was a human, the chances were so small that these beautiful spirits would come at them, but now.. He finally saw them so upclose, smiling as he gasped gently, watching the little woodsprite walk over The man's shoulder, resting and moving every now and then. "They're called Atokirina.. Sacred and beautiful spirits here from pandora, coming from the sacred tree.. these seeds are believed to be auspicious wheresoever they land or rest" Muller said, seeing some more wander around them, but only one rested ontop of Curran so far.. "I can barely believe it.." Muller whispered, for Curran watched the gentle woodsprite slowly walk down his arm, more towards Muller..

"I feel like its wanting to walk your way though" The man said so gently, being near muller for he decided to take the man's hand that was near.. "Here.." He said, holding the man's hand for the little woodsprite did in fact decide to walk over his front arm.. To the wrist, over his hand, to Muller's hand.. like a little bridge, holding each other's hand as their arms were beautifully in balance. As soon as the woodsprite had gotten to Muller, he gently let go of his hand.. Watching the man be so in awe.. for Muller was processing their whole occurence. "Hi..." Muller whispered in Na'vi to the little Atokirina.. Just still having some watery eyes to realize this was happening. "it seems to like you more.." Curran said as he had sat down on the ground by now after constantly kneeling.. Seeing Muller had gotten onto his knees. "they landed on you first.. I doubt they like me more" he said with the softest smile, noticing another woodsprite going towards Curran, landing on the man's chest this time.. exactly on the spot he was.. shot, in his previous life.. Muller just sighed to see it, may it be coincidence or not, but that thought soon passed once he noticed more and more of them, resting on the both of them.. "Do you know if they do this often.." Curran asked for he laughed manly in his own way, seeing the two almost covered by them by now, sitting there for as long as they wanted. "They're.. Very independant from what I know.. I cant tell, despite what I know.. I just cant believe it is happening. If I were to still be human, this would be out of the question" the man said, as Curran just watched Muller be in awe.. "Lucky for us to not be human anymore then.." the man said with the sweetest intention, wanting to say how happy he was for Muller that he could experience it now, but that exact sentence hit a snare to his heart despite he sensed the man's intentions were too perfect to be true almost..

Trying to hide it while he was so happy this all happened, he let some tears flow down his cheeks.. "you're right.." Muller could only reply, trying to hide it while he was still happy.. But he just had troubles hiding away his deep wounds at times, but curran didnt know better which was the thing that just hurt the most at times.. and yet, Curran was there, knowing how to comfort, without a clue that he did all of that.. in his earlier life. "hey.." Curran of course noticed his tears, gently swiping some away for he had the most comforting hold upon Muller's face. "Are you okay?" "I will be.. Its just, my emotions can be all over" He said honest, making Curran wipe some more tears before he noticed more woodsprites gently covering the arm that he helped Muller with.. For Muller had to smile about it.. It was an unforgettable moment, noticing the way things happened.. And the way they were blessed by the beautiful Atokirina. It was indescribable. "Thank you Curran.. If it wasnt for you, we wouldnt even be here" Muller said as Curran smiled in a way that made Muller fall in love all over again. "I should be thanking you, despite that might not sound like what a soldier would say" the man said confidently, making Muller softly laugh again. "I'd never see anything like this when it would come to the recom group. I'd chose this over hanging with them anytime" The man said as Muller's heart was trying its best to hold itself together.. It felt like reshaping itself, slowly a bit more away from the pain, just to see the man be himself. So honest, reliable.. Warm.. The little woodsprites all the sudden softly raised themselves from their bodies, having stayed there for a good amount..

"guess thats our sign to slowly head back, unless you need more samples of course" Curran said as he slowly stood up, seeing Muller watch the woodsprites leave, before looking up at Curran. "The ones I needed are secured. I got several so, by all means, lets head back like you said. Dont want to make it too late for you either" Muller softly said for Curran smiled.. "Alright. I'll notify our pilot. Should be here in anytime soon" Curran said as he called through his neck piece, making Muller softly walk behind him, looking back at the place they sat for his heart jumped a little out of joy, before following the man back where they'd be picked up.

Slowly having arrived back at the RDA, The labs and Recom units were a bit away from each other, making Curran stop the man softly before they both went their ways for the night. "i meant it by the way" Curran said for Muller frowned, listening closely. "I know some ridicule you, I've noticed some soldiers do it because you're smart and are less, buff as us I guess.. But thats not my kind of doing. Just dont let them downgrade you" Curran said, for Muller softly smiled.. Feeling so safe. "I know its not the typical.. Soldier thing to go on excursions like this, but I really enjoyed it. I felt like I finally saw pandora through a different eye, thanks to you. Might even give me a head start compared to the rest, having experiences they wont have" the man said confident and thankful.. Making muller look away for a second as he felt his shy behavior pop up again, but replied quite fast despite his nosebridge turned a little red.. "I know when you mean what you mean, thorougly.. Thank you.." Muller said so grateful, seeing the buff man infront of him look calm and comforting while being so confident. "I'm just really thankful you were willing to take me there. I can finally continue my research, but most importantly, I guess a break from the RDA with someone safe is just what I needed to clear my head" the man said as he felt his head be a little more red through the blushing, hearing the man hum softly. "Have a good night rest Curran" the man said, seeing a 'you too' expression from Curran before he softly held the man's back for a second before walking into the other corridor that led further into the recom area, whereas Muller went towards his own lab and left right to bed.. As soon as he laid in his comfortable bed, he just watched the ceiling, feeling his heart heal, while it was complicated.. This night was skmething he could not forget. Even how the woodsprites ended up resting on him without hesitation.. the man needed skme time to process, before he turned on his side, trying to sleep.

[scentedchildnacho]

He wanted to know if I was homeless and why and so I told him I tried to go back to school

And I lost everything and I react to sociological studies protestively and it's taken much longer then I expected

I wasnt prepared for it to be an illegal coup I thought it was just crime

I didn't know at the time that dictatives like Mussolini had infected all levels of class consciousness

If you owe Mussolini's felons for their pain and tragedy then prison knowledge prestige will parasite on you as long as it can

Shulamith Firestone you have to as a woman enlist in the military or non violence takes a very long time and isn't a guaranteed risk

Most women I know like aids explain they had children and they have bills for children so they take the vaccines and pills and shocks

The parental types react to sociological studies like proposing the idea that laws for women were only enacted for certain status people's

And other people's are essentially disenfranchised and have to anachronistically fight for their suffrage

But the parental types tend to react by staying within institutions and attempting to slowly improve them so that's why I advise non violence the enemy isn't clear to see ..

Hitlerites are parasites and it cannot become symbiotic it blames its host for everything

I explained I crisised at school........and once I was processed into the Disney hazard system it was not for me to be released

I have read felon stories that they didn't think their enslavement would ever end owing other felons but they show up and tell me after a decade or two they were released so

The police represent all our limitations and it's felons or homeless who refuse to see the best in people and sue the whole majority category for their personal injury home law suit

I have homeless men who want to live the system like it's all of playboy playmate and it may with hold all I have if I don't help mentals put them down slowly

I was told mentals are like my politicized terrorist group and I have to help baker act some of it or

The mental strategy though at first they would let me have no complaints but eventually it gets into hitting people who don't deserve it like me

Eventually it Helter skelters and they would make me start revenging on family systems

So that's why I just don't touch mentals medical stuff

British colonial tactics did have to leave India....so when people see about the states that it is more Indian eventually American revolutionary ideas appear to be something decentered and it's pretty impossible

Now if it's trauma drugs and bars....now that is a bit more just....

Bars are known for being non habit forming and that's really as mean as you have to be

If it's mentalists their such awful beaters at drug dealing their such awful drug dealers

He wanted to know if I worked...so I admitted work to me is Sundance strategies and out by Murrieta is largely clear cut so other then the monks I don't see that there is common work really to help property owners

The ram goats are all herded in and they water them and pasteurize them and that's all that's out there

I also admitted about jobs that they have really tough fights in there like Denver terrifying

I have never seen coworkers fight for territory the way I have seen denver french go at each other

So I admit feeling not young enough to survive it their all pretty babyish to try it

French colonial tactics did finally have to give Wisconsin to the English so

Its having to wait for a lot of it to be given to the English so some sense of common sense reason and order appears

Indigenous laws they shouldn't bring European problems here but if you were called a mental the British need your alliance so one has to make the best of it

As far as the machinery work I mostly see guys killing themselves on it like backwoods scary stories so I try to stay away from 80s underground neo Nazi revivals

Retro fitted in 2024.....I find there to be massive cultural shifts in the early twentieth century but okay

Because arabs went and gave sadam his day in court

And most westernism is now culturally produced in the Middle East but no women cover their heads in all this light poison

They refuse to be modest

Serruya as an American was Moroccan but french everywhere

I told him for jobs I am more interested in resilience.....but really although energy in extreme body differentiation of hot and cold is a progressive politic and you can just as easily ask serruya to fund your x ray machine sustainabley

You can just ask them for a very different machine no freezing....and do something new

No emissions

You can just as easily ask for European union standard refrigeration for milk....

Cigarette science posits that everyone is transgressive and that's just not true if people won't stop calling me a girly woman then eventually something louder and bigger then it all will revenge on it for being nothing but dumb racists

You can't necessarily say serruya does it but the creepy monster machine shows attempt to create all business as about it and deaf so

Freezing and heat and nutrition cures birth viruses in breast milk....and you don't have to look at the issue progressively

California b company but their jobs around udder....balm....is much better rated

[its-no-biggie]

wait- thats it? it ends there??????

[getting into HEAVY spoiler territory here. you have been warned]

vash as jesus...... like, okay. i went into the show knowing about how he goes around doing good deeds and gets persecuted due to a misunderstanding. from there it follows pretty naturally that he wants to help everyone, even those who wish him harm. but holy fuck i wasnt expecting all the other shit! like, hes a supernatural being who experiences life as a human, and loves humans even though he isnt one of them? and his love of humanity is what protects him from being entirely overtaken by [sin]? hes literally the gateway between the natural and the supernatural? he is sacrificed for the sins of humanity, which he had no part in, and strung up in the air while [mary] kneels at the foot of the [cross] and cries for him??? all while fuckin Millions Knives quotes the actual bible at him?????

ALSO the scene where meryl asks wolfwood where vash is and wolfwood goes "i dont know" twice in a row before she kicks him in the shin fucking killed me. i was totally primed for the "judas denied jesus 3 times" scene so i liked the subversion! tbh i feel like i missed some of the judas parallels bc i was always kinda unclear on what wolfwoods actual motivation was and who the bad guys were and whatnot. gonna have to rewatch it to get a better handle on that for sure. although even just the way they interact really did most of the work- the way vash trusted him immediately (enough that wolfwood even made a comment about how he keeps showing him his back), and how wolfwood kinda stuck with him for his own reasons and then abandoned him when the going got tough but vash still thanked him for all his help...... like yeah. its clearly there.

also. the scene where some of knives' goons send a ton of enemies after wolfwood to "test his faith" book of job style. like theyre trying to corner him into killing someone (im still kinda unclear on what their motivation was here tbh- for most of this episode i thought these guys were trying to kill wolfwood so i probably just missed it) but then with vash (jesus) on his side he manages to get through it without killing anyone (giving in to temptation/sin). he gets out of an impossibly tough situation with the power of jesus. like????? that is straight out of veggie tales. trigun is what would happen if veggie tales was an edgy sci-fi gunslinger anime. how is this real

there was a TON of other religious imagery, but i dont wanna comment on it too much cause i feel like ill need to rewatch it to really grasp my thoughts about it. something something children are blessed..... something something to get to heaven you must be like a child...... AUGH and how theres heavy heavy religious language around millions knives and his whole operation. vash fighting against the eyes of michael....... jesus tearing down corrupt temples...... the table they used to experiment on kids was shaped like a cross. the twins grew up in a garden with a big tree in the middle. a LOT of vashs humanity is centered around his relationship with his human mother. is this anything. have i gone off the rails. i feel like i need to watch this 8 more times and then i could write an entire academic paper about it. god

and that ENDING- did vash fucking die?? obviously meryl survived, but what about wolfwood? hell, we didnt even get closure on knives! (although that one i feel pretty confident about) and whats the fuckin deal with the other blond kid. im sure theyll address that in season 2 but- was that person at the very end of the episode the same as the one the twins found the same as the one in the picture that doctor guy had?? hmmm (all rhetorical questions- no spoilers please!!)

overall i did like the ending though! i wish it had been less ambiguous and a little less sequel-bait but overall not mad. i also wish the overall pacing had been a little slower? they just kinda throw a lot of characters at you really fast. maybe its the fma brotherhood effect (where they assume youve watched the previous adaptation and gloss over character introductions in favour of jumping right into the plot) and i shouldve watched '98 first, but evaluating it as a standalone there were a bunch of characters i never really got a grasp on even toward the end. plus the jumping between past and present didnt help- not saying that that was poorly implemented, i liked the jumping around! a lot of the timeline was intentionally obscured for dramatic effect and i think it really worked, but that made it hard to realize that the young looking guy from their past is now the really old guy. yknow?

also i TOTALLY called robertos death. i honestly thought he was gonna die way sooner because he didnt really do anything except try to drag meryl out of danger. and then he started getting more focus in one episode and i was like. oh, here it comes. then they got shot at and i was like "oh he definitely got shot there and theyre delaying the reveal" and i fucking KNEW it. still a good scene though, even though i wasnt super attached to him.

anyway. i need a supercut of every second wolfwood was on screen and i need to watch it on repeat until i die. i need to inject the opening title sequence straight into my bloodstream. i need to draw vashs big sad blue eyes right fucking now or im going to explode. this show has me in a CHOKEHOLD

finally started watching trigun stampede and oh my fucking god????

the VIBES. i just started episode 4 and wolfwoods introduction?? dragging a cross behind him????? he hasnt spoken a single word and im already obsessed with him. im also thinking about that one post i saw about how vash is jesus (SO fucking accurate btw) so the image of dragging the cross through the desert was like. oh theyre /intentional/ with it

also vash is such a good character holy shit. hes so unserious and i fucking love the way hes animated. his goofy ass running really sells it. but then he fucking shoots a bullet out of the air and its AWESOME hes so cool but also hes just a silly little guy! and of course the Tragic Backstory really just tops it all off. great protagonist hes so fun to watch

i also really love the evil twin shit, the way Millions Knives has fully committed to the aesthetic is fucking awesome and then he just. destroys an entire town? just for the sake of it?? top tier villain shit. and i like how vash is clearly really skilled but still doesnt hold a candle to Mr Knives. sets up a really good dynamic i cant wait to see where it goes from here

anyway its really just getting started so ill probably post more updates as i go but. so far 10/10 im having a great time

[grapecaseschoices]

MC ready to take one for the team and tickle this tragic backstory out of him 😔

[kikixreverie]

Hi- may I ask for an angst-mix with Bucky x reader: she had her share of abusive/toxic relationships in her past, but it was nothing she spoke of, and not now when she had James. It wasnt like she thought she was gonna be triggered again, not by him, any other guy- buy not her Bucky! Some tiny bickering evolved to a large dispute, and before she knew what was happening, she shied away from him, making herself small, awaiting the blow - that never came... And instead she was overcome by shame...

Pasts and Apologies

Bucky x Fem!reader

Word count - 3k

Warnings - Mentions of domestic abuse from ex, some descriptions of abuse, angst, trauma

A/n - Okay I definitely went hard on the angst for this one. I kinda just went off on one so not so much bickering and more just a full blown argument but I've been feeling kinda angsty lately so I kinda accidentally made this darker than I expected. Please read the warnings and do not read if you think this could trigger you.

------------------------------------------------

Love had not been kind to you before Bucky. Every decent memory of your ex was clouded with uncertainty, you would walk on eggshells around him, terrified that saying the wrong thing would set him off and you'd be calling Sam again, sobbing down the phone, cradling another bruise at the hands of your 'partner'.

You were together for years, devoted to and unconditionally in love with the man that you had met in high school. Childhood sweethearts.

He always was quick to anger and he wasn't shy about that. He never had any issues with shouting at you when you pissed him off, just as he never had issues with shouting at his mother or younger brother, but at the time, you had always stood up for yourself and defended the poor woman, making him apologise, and he let you, he always let you clean up his messes.

The first few years were spent in ignorant bliss, you constantly ignored the fear that would creep up your spine when he got angry, but you could manage a screaming match or two, you could manage it all because you loved him, you depended on him despite that he wasn't at all dependable.

The arguments were tough, but you never expected it to go further than that, but eventually, it did.

The first time he was physically aggressive was on his 22nd birthday. He had insisted that he spend his birthday with his friends, calling it a guys night, and you were fine with that, you knew how handsy he got when he was with his friends anyway, so you spent the day with him instead, making sure to keep him happy and spoilt rotten.

As the night crept on, you had tried to wait up for him to return, just as he had asked, but as it passed 3am you decided that he wouldn't mind you going to bed since you had work the next day, so you crawled into bed and fell asleep, a mistake, at the time, you didn't know you had made.

When he returned half an hour later to see you unconscious, he woke you up with his shouting, angry that you hadn't stayed up for him, convinced that you were ruining his night on purpose. The loud awakening was enough alone to trigger your fight or flight but when he threw the duvet off you and grabbed your ankle so tightly you knew a bruise would form, you were terrified. He dragged you off the bed and pushed you towards the door, telling you to fuck off, and you did, tears streaming down your face as you laid awake on the couch till morning.

It only got worse from there, when he realised that he could hurt you and get away with it, it became his favourite past time, he'd look for reasons to shout at you, make you do things that would piss him off just so he'd have a reason to be cruel.

When Sam started noticing dark bruises on your skin, he was livid, and despite how often you'd try to convince him that it's just clumsiness, Sam knew better.

There were rare days that you would have long conversations with Sam, you'd talk about how you'd lost all your friends and distanced yourself from your family but you didn't blame your abuser, you blamed only yourself, and Sam would beg you to leave him but you'd be sobbing in his arms, telling him that you still loved the man who hurt you, that he didn't really mean to hurt you and you'd feel even more guilt if you ever got him in trouble for it.

It was a long and hard journey, but the moment you told Sam that you wanted out, he was there for you, offering you to stay at his place and helping you call the cops. He gave you all the resources he could possibly find through the VA and set you up with an amazing therapist and eventually you were living in your own place, talking to old friends again, and filing a restraining order against your ex.

It was nearly two years later when you met him. Introduced through Sam, you met the love of your life on a Sunday. He was quiet and focused, with hard eyes scanning the room, looking for escape routes, analysing people's faces.

You smiled gently at him when you met, opting for a small nod in greeting instead of a handshake. You stayed near him for the remainder of the gathering, not pressuring him to speak to you, just sitting in silence. You were drawn to him, his behaviour was so similar to yours.

You knew what it felt like to want to just blend into the corner, to stay unnoticed, you understood the need to know how to escape a room, and you saw the way he hesitantly returned your smile and then struggled to chase his smile away once you had sat down beside him.

You and Bucky soon became each other's rocks, always there for the other on the hard days, days that you would spend just walking or reading together in calm silence. There was no doubt that the two of you loved each other, and after months and months of trying to hide longing glances and blushing cheeks, you finally confessed to each other, and the rest was history. You trusted him like you had never trusted anyone before.

As your relationship progressed, Bucky started to notice some strange things in your behaviour, how you'd always ask his permission for you to go out with friends, how you were always quick to apologise in any situation and distanced yourself from him when he was the slightest bit irritated.

He had tried to ask you about it, but you always changed the subject as soon as it was mentioned, ensuring him that it was nothing to worry about.

To tell the truth, you were embarrassed, you were ashamed that your ex still had this effect on you, and no matter how many times you told yourself that he would never, that your Bucky would never, your brain refused to allow you to believe it and you continued with the odd behaviour that you used as a defence mechanism when in the abusive relationship.

You never spoke out of line, you never asked him where or who he was going out with, and you never let small bickering escalate.

It was only after you had overheard Sam and Bucky in a heated conversation, Sam scolding Buck for being reckless and stupid during a mission, that you had your first argument with him.

You had called Sam while Bucky was at the store, convincing him to tell you what had happened and after a few minutes of guilt-tripping, Sam finally confessed that Bucky had practically ran into open fire, endangering himself in an attempt to shut down a Hydra base, it could've very easily been fatal, and it wasn't the first time something like this had happened.

You knew it was wrong, you knew you should've just asked Bucky about it, but you couldn't help yourself, and you knew that Bucky would've downplayed the whole situation.

When he returned home you were pacing up and down in the living room, chewing the inside of your cheeks and your nails to pieces because you could've lost him, Bucky could've died and he was acting as if it were nothing.

"Doll?" You could hear the worry in his voice as he placed the shopping bags on the kitchen counter and walked over to you, standing in front of you to stop your movement, pulling your hand from your mouth and kissing your knuckles.

It was supposed to calm you, and it almost did, but as his soft lips grazed your hand, and his eyes met yours, your mind kept wandering to the fact that he could've died.

This moment could've never happened, instead, you'd have Sam or Steve at your door, trying to deliver the news of their best friend's death, your lover.

"Honey speak to me" He looked utterly confused, but the look only made you feel angry.

How could he be so reckless?

"I just got off the phone with Sam."

He froze, eyebrows furrowing and taking a step away from you, waiting for you to explain.

Your gaze didn't move from the floor, trying to even out the anger and worry rushing through you, settling like a heavy rock in your stomach.

"He told me about the missions, about how you've been acting."

"What do you mean, how I've been acting?" He scoffed, sounding offended, and you sighed.

"How reckless you've been acting. Sam said that Tony's considering pulling you out of missions! How many times have you endangered yourself like this? How many times is it gonna take for you to realise that you could fucking die out there, James."

Your voice was stern, and the tone felt foreign against your tongue. Bucky's kept his face hard, refusing to show any emotion, but you could see the way his jaw clenched harshly, eyes glued to the corner of the room, ignoring your fiery glare.

"Were you ever going to tell me? I thought that all the injuries you got were fairly normal for the jobs you do, but when I hear that you run into open fire, that you make decisions on your own before talking to your team, that you've gotten fucking stabbed in the past, and you never told me, how do you expect me to react?"

He sighed heavily through his nose, jaw ticking in annoyance towards his friend, angry that he had told you even though it wasn't his place.

"I told him not to tell you." His voice was gruff, the words spoken harshly under his breath and you felt your anger flair again.

"What and you think that's okay?!"

His gaze shot to yours, looking at you incredulously.

"Bucky we're partners! You're supposed to tell me this shit, you're supposed to tell me when you've nearly died on a mission, you're supposed to trust me."

"You think I don't trust you?!" His voice was slightly raised and you felt your annoyance spike, "I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to worry."

"Of course I'm gonna worry, James. This is a big deal, I can't believe you've been getting seriously injured and not telling me."

"Well, I don't think it's that big of a deal, Sam shouldn't have fucking told you. This wouldn't be happening if he had just kept his mouth shut, but no! Of course not!" Bucky's eyebrows were drawn in tight with annoyance, wishing you'd just drop the subject, "I'm not stupid, I know what I'm doing."

"What the hell do you mean 'You know what you're doing?' You know that you're not supposed to endanger yourself to complete a mission, yet you do it anyway. I'm glad Sam told me because otherwise, I doubt I'd ever find out!."

"I don't see how what I do on missions is anything to do with you. Sam is exaggerating. I'm fine!"

As Bucky's voice raised, you started to lose focus, flashbacks of your past echoing in your mind and in his annoyance, Bucky didn't notice the way your eyes had gone distant, losing sight of the man in front of you, the man you loved, and forming the image of the man you still see in nightmares, the man you're so terrified of seeing in the street that you haven't stepped foot in Queens since leaving him.

You could almost feel the sting of his palm against your cheek, the burn of his hand, tight around your wrist, and you tried to remind yourself that it wasn't real. It had been months since you'd had an episode, and your steps to control them were hard to find with the false image of your abuser so clear in front of you.

"Are you even listening to me?" The statement dragged you back to reality and you felt yourself calm when your eyes focused in on Bucky, reminding yourself that your ex wasn't here, that Bucky wasn't like that, he would never, but as he raised his arm to push his hair out of his face, everything flew out the window and in the moment, you were 21 again and you were sure he was going to hit you, your exes face flashing behind your eyes again.

You flinched, a gasp falling from your lips as your eyes squeezed shut and your head ducked down, breathing heavily through your nose as you awaited the hit.

Time slowed.

Bucky froze completely, his eyes wide and frantic as he quickly stumbled away from you, shaking his head as self-hatred ran through his veins, disgusted at himself for making you think even in the slightest, that he would ever hurt you.

"Doll?" He sounded absolutely broken.

Your head shot up, panic flooding through you when you realised what you had done and pain replacing the feeling when you saw the agony on Bucky's face.

"Y/n, I- I would never-" He kept his voice at a pained whisper, not wanting to scare you further as he stayed at a distance.

You collapsed to the floor, sitting on your knees as the weight of the situation pulled you down. Your hands raised to cover your mouth as a sob threatened to tear through you, so fucking ashamed of what had just happened, so fucking ashamed that your ex had done this to you, and you had let him for so long, ashamed that he still haunted you.

"Babydoll I-" He struggled to find the words, terrified that he had just lost you, wanting to reach out and hold you but scared shitless of hurting you more than he already had, "I don't know what- I'm so fucking sorry y/n, I can't- I can't even fathom the thought of-"

His voice trailed off, unable to even say the words and you felt your guilt tenfold.

"N-No Bucky, I'm sorry I thought-" You struggled to speak through your crying, hot tears flowing down your cheeks as you rocked yourself gently in an attempt to self-soothe.

"Why are you apologising honey? This is on me, this is-"

"No, it isn't, I promise Buck this isn't you, it's.." You couldn't get the words out, you couldn't tell him, "Just come here, please."

You wanted him to wrap his arms around you, you needed him to know that it wasn't him, you know the way his mind works and you knew that by now he would already be drowning in guilt and self-hatred.

"I don't think that I should. I don't want to hurt you, I can't- I can't hurt you" You smiled at him gently through your tears and your chin wobbled as you saw the tears running down his cheeks too.

"It's okay. I'm okay Bucky, I just- I-I need you over here, I need you - I need you to touch me. I need you."

He was over in an instant, falling to the floor beside you and letting out a huge sigh of relief when you instantly wrapped yourself around him, tucking your head into the crook of his neck and crawling into his lap, needing to be as close to him as possible, to rid the memories of the pain, to remind yourself that his touch is good, his touch is safe.

Arms enveloped you and he held you as tight as possible, the both of you crying.

After the two of you had calmed down and a comfortable silence enveloped you, Bucky knew he would have to break it.

"Why did you think that I would hit you?" He asked, his voice tentative and gentle and you sighed, knowing that it was time for you to tell him.

"I didn't, I don't, I promise."

You lifted your head from his shoulder but still stayed on his lap, instead, resting your forehead against his.

"Then why-?"

"I thought I was better, I-I thought it was all over but I just- I lost myself again. Everything got all foggy and I lost where I was and I just, I thought I was there but-" The floodgates opened again and you knew that Bucky had no clue what you were talking about but the words just kept coming.

Bucky's eyebrows were furrowed tightly and when your vague, confusing explanation only made his worry grow, he felt himself pulling you even tighter against him.

"Doll, Did someone hurt you? Is that why you're always walking on eggshells around me? Is that what the nightmares are about?" He struggled against the words, not wanting to say them because he didn't want to believe them and he watched in agony as you swallowed hard and nodded slowly, your hands coming to rest on the back of his neck as you continued to hold your forehead against his.

He refused to let his anger show, he wouldn't do that to you, especially with you so fragile, but he couldn't hide the pained shaky breath he let out at your confession, "Fuck, I'm so sorry. God, I'm so sorry that that happened to you. Was it your ex? Did he hurt you?"

You nodded again, doing your breathing exercises, and calming yourself so that you could explain your situation fully to your partner.

"I should've told you, I know, I just, I'm so angry that I'm still like this, I just wish it would all go away and I could forget about what he did. I thought I was better. I can't stand that I'm still so haunted by that asshole" Bucky nodded along as you spoke, brushing his fingers up and down your back to help calm you.

"It's okay, Doll. Things like that don't just go away. Believe me, I wish they did too, but things will get better, I promise you that. Thank you for telling me."

You scoffed in self-deprecation, "I should've told you ages ago."

"That doesn't matter, you've told me now, and I'm sure it wasn't easy, so thank you for sharing" His voice was so gentle, his hands caressing your back almost making you feel sleepy.

"And Buck?" He hummed in response, letting you know that he was listening, "About the mission thing, I'm just worried about you. I can't lose you, I need you, and I need you alive."

A gentle smile lifted his frown and he nodded in understanding, feeling bad for getting mad in the first place, and you leaned back, looking down at him, your hands playing with his hair.

"I know. I'm sorry for being an idiot, It's just so hard to look at them and remember what they did to me and know what they've done to so many innocent people and I just lose it, all rationality out the window" You nodded at him, understanding how painful some of the missions must be.

"I'm sorry I got so upset with you, and I'm sorry I went to Sam instead of talking to you. Don't be mad at him, I kinda forced him to tell me" You gave him a sheepish look and he breathed out a small laugh, his nose crinkling like you always loved.

"It's okay doll, I'm sorry for being so careless and hiding the stuff about the missions, I promise I'll be more careful, I gotta make sure I always come home to my sweet girl. And don't worry about Sam, you deserved to know and I know what you're like."

You tutted at him and he smiled in response, the adorable, loving look on his face making you pull him into the sweetest, softest kiss which he instantly returned.

After sitting together in each others embrace for a while, the yawns eventually started. You were both positively exhausted from all the emotions you had both just experienced so Bucky wrapped your legs around his waist and lifted you both from the floor, discarding the groceries still left in bags in the kitchen and carrying you to bed, holding you as close as physically possible as you both drifted off to sleep.

[fictionkinfessions]

I wonder if my Collei is out there. If she remembers me. The times I'd talk to her during her treatments (trying my best to tame that bad residue batch Barnabas gave- Which he wasnt even supposed to give her before my personal evaluation of her wellbeing. Uhg.)

I wonder if she remembers me letting her escape, or the bag of supplies I even prepared for her right outside. The stories I told her of old patients and my old elezar studies.. She did always seem to be listening, even if she never talked back.

I am sorry for your living conditions, Collei. I know you dont see weight in those words, especially if the Collei's reading this arent my own. You never should have been used for any experiments, mine or my underlings. You should have only gotten the elezar treatments, your condition upon reaching snezhnaya was so terrible I was furious learning you had gotten residue. And even more furious when seeing how volitile the batch you got was. Granted I cant say your living conditions would have been better if you were treated properly, I didnt have the best holding rooms for any experiments or patients. (and yes I will partially blame Pantalone's budget, though admitedly my Prime Body was so far gone I didnt think about patient comfort most of the time by this point..)

Im still surprised despite all of that, you managed to survive. Given the state you were in upon arrival I thought you would be dead for sure. But you're such a tough kid. And well- Okay I will brag a bit, my elezar treatments are very good. Despite their painful side effects. I was still working on that-

Im sorry Im rambling- And I really doubt any Collei has read this far- And if one of you has, please do not read this as me expecting forgiveness, or for you to like me in the slightest. The things you were roped into were far worse than you ever should have had, and Im still upset that Barnabas acted on his own like that. (His given job was simply to collect some willing Elezar patients. As working on treatments for it had become a passtime of mine. His residue experiments were only supposed to go to patients I directly approved of. And he ignored all of my instructions.)

I just hope you have SOME slightly positive memories. Again of my stories, the small bits of kindness my badly calibrated clone caused to shine through. I think about those times more than I'd like to. It fills me with too much guilt. Reminds me of what I was like before the Akademiya and Fatui drove me too far. It makes me scared to share these mems. I'm terrified typing this right now actually. I'm so prepared for people to attack me despite my wishes or the blogs rules for decency. To accuse me of "erasing Dottore's cruelty" or "expecting forgiveness from all Collei kins" even though I've directly said I'm not expecting that.

I just hope my Collei remembers those moments. They can feel however they please about me, I don't care, I'll never look for them, I don't look for anyone. I just don't want to be the only one who has to remember these events.

Maybe my Collei would like to hear that these memories of kindness haunt me. Maybe they want to know that I'm suffering from knowing how much better I could have been in that life if events had played out a bit differently.

It wouldn't surprise me if the average Collei kin wished for nothing but pain for me, anyway, memories of me or not. (not intended to make you pity me I promise. Im just used to how much the community despises me)

~Il Dottore 🕯♟

P.S. If you're thinking of sending a negative response to me (No matter who you may be), don't bother. There's nothing you can say to me that the community or my brain havent already said before. Don't waste your time. I garuntee you, I already know.

'

[yeetmeawayy]

Ok hi it’s future zu here (and past zu for future zu who is reading this). I did not stick to my weekly reflections tho in hindsight i feel like i shouldve. But anyways, here’s a quick rundown for u:

- u were converted to full time in June, later than expected but well. Tis what it is. May-june i think were ok periods but still slightly tiring/stressful as i recall when i was offered the conversion i wasnt too sure about whether to accept it. But anw. I did.

- Things started getting a little better ard july, u felt like u were getting the hang of stuff, and work didnt seem too bad then either. U started LAS, and generally u rly were feeling a bit more ok

- mental health took a dive around mid aug? Things were getting quite tough dealing with the memories and all and the poor emotional regulation meant that i would lose concentration, or have multiple mini breakdowns at work which was obv not helping my productivity. Eventually spoke to the team abt it and took about 1.5 weeks off in Sept to clear my head.

- during my week off i reflected and realised the job rly wasnt helping w my stress lvls and i just rly didnt enjoy the whole corporate grind culture and wasnt getting much job satisfaction out of the work either (amidst some social tensions at work too). So i told them at the end of sept/early oct that i was planning to leave

- decided to leave by mid Jan but HR was all “oh just leave by EOY” cos it’d be a hassle to file my taxes for another year lol clowns so i agreed cos wtf lol if they gna treat me like tht good riddance. So yes my last day was officially 29th Dec but unofficially 22nd dec cos office closures begin on 25th….

- yeehaw to what was supposed to be my 2nd last week of work, 15 Dec. At ard 11am we had a team check in to decide what to do the following week cos it was supposed to be a full wfh week. I tell em im almost done with all the left over ref packs i had to finish, and would finish the last one on monday and just use the rest of the week to clean up my handover stuff. They suddenly ask me to work on 2 new EDAs. 10 slides each. I say ok, but it will just be a rough first draft, content only, no visuals. They agree. We have a good farewell lunch at The Halia. I have to work a little at night to finish up the ref pack i was working on since we didnt work much in the afternoon-evening cos i was travelling home from botanic.

- fast forward to next week monday. Ok this one is gonna take a bit long so im gonna finish it tmr or sumn but a quick tldr: they end up making my last week NOT my last week, are super paggro and toxic about it, and basically im just like wow 0 graduation goggles im so glad im leaving ALHAMDULILLAH.

Gonna try and post weekly work reflections here i guess. For context to future me, you started working at H*v** about 2 months ago (mid dec). There were a number of closures tho so effectively youve worked two weeks less than 2 months. Either way. It’s been a fairly wild ride and youve been stressed a lot but the last 2 weeks were not so bad cos ur sr has noticed tht you’re stressed and overworked so he assigned just 1 major proj to u. U had to OT till pretty late on Wednesday (like. 10pm sitting at tamp east mrt tryna clean up slides and send an email late) but it wasnt too stressful though the hours were def taking a toll on u physically. You’re still not very sure how long u wanna stay here. It’s only been 2 months but it feels like forever lel at the most you’re thinking 1 year at least 6 months ngl. You cant figure out why you’re so done with everything. You hope you do soon. I hope you do soon. Till next time, we’ll take it day by day