#i wasn’t even against that connection in therory i just didn’t know we were like that!!!!!!
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also cannot believe i’m the the emotional distant person who people actively try to keep closer and closer to no avail
#personal#not in a im sexy and cool way just genuine surprise#i don’t know and it shouldn’t be#like the amount of times i was told growing up hey you’re my best friend or i’ve never told this to anyone but i trust you more than anyone#by someone i thought was an acquaintance#i wasn’t even against that connection in therory i just didn’t know we were like that!!!!!!#idk i’m trying to not make it this sound like cut myself on the edge#but it just feels weird bc i’m okay with myself and being by myself but ?#people keep trying to push themselves into my life?#and that sounds awful#i just didn’t concisely realize i play that role in people’s lives#consciously#it doesn’t fit how i saw myself or how i am? ? and it was a weird disconnect#and i’m not being unsociable or outright going against making connections!#like i’m eating daily lunch with some coworkers and changing my parking space so we can walk together!! im changing my routine up bc i#like their company#i made friends at the horror show and am going to this dudes house on tuesday to watch more movies with them#i exchange socials and talk with people at shows when they come up to me#i’m also a bit awkward there and not pursuing much but i’m still Trying?#i don’t know it’s just weird to think for a lot of people i’m just so avoidant and aloof or something#i just feel weird#i think also with my close friends i’m well known for being crazy stupid obsessed with#like it’s a whole Thing. so that vs extremely avoidant i just didn’t recognize it as myself#me? number one dick rider? ??? not. bonderline codependent. okayyyyyyyy
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