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shaggi · 4 years ago

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if i could stop time, i would

info ; eren x reader ; soulmates ; 1.8k

content warning ; end of the world concept, mentions of not really wanting to live lol, gentle angst

Day one. 72 hours until the world ends.

The world is going to shit. I know it is because I can hear the panicked buzz of mothers holding their children close and reassuring them as the news practically burned "we're all going to die" into our heads.

My fingers twitched as they held the dark blue fabric of my jeans. I'm terrified ㅡ as is the rest of the people watching the news ㅡ and it most definitely doesnt help when they plaster a large timer onto the screen counting down our days and hours left on our beloved blue planet.

"We never thought this day would come.. Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached the end of the chapter." The words echoed into the back of my mind. 'The end of the chapter'? I havent even really lived my life? I'm only seventeen.. I barely made it to graduation. I suck in a deep breath, filling my lungs fully before releasing the built up pressure.

Theres a burning sensation on my waterline, tears threatening to roll down my cheeks. My hands begin to shake when I think back to all the sleepless nights I spent not enjoying life. I took life for granted ㅡ and now it's going to end in three days. In seventy-two hours, it's all going to go away. That's not enough time to say all the things I didnt have a chance to say.

Wasted opportunities.

Wasted chances that I now no longer have control over.

My legs suddenly feel like spaghetti and walking seems like a foriegn topic to me. I just need to sit down, take a breather.

Who am I kidding. The storm inside me is raging on tonight and my hands have a handful of messy locks.

I catch glimpse of inked red calligraphy spelling out the name 'Eren' that is marked onto the inside of my forearm in small writing just an inch below my wrist. My heart swells with sadness.

The sense of realization settles in, practically telling me to 'let this sink in for a little'. I'm not ever going to get the chance to meet my soulmate. I'll never get the satisfaction of weaving their fingers with mine, to lay on the couch on cold winter nights with blankets drooped over our shoulders. Never get the chance to tell them I love them over and over again, to brush their hair behind their ears, grab them by the smooth skin of theirs and feel the fireworks of pressing my lips against their own.

I wont feel the sweet electricity course through me like people explained would happen when they touched their soulmate for the first time. I've spent seventeen years searching for this perfect person in the happiness of this little town. The universe promised a perfect person, they never promised me to meet them though.

The younger generations were lucky, for they werent born with marks. They werent tied to someone, so they dont have anything to lose other than the fact that they're too young to leave this world.

A crowd begins to pull outside, staring at the sky with both a mix of admiration and fear. The blue sky has begun to turn itself into a peach color. My town's happy vibe has now turned uneasy, scared, unsure.

That day, I walk home slowly when the sky begins to darken, taking the scenery of the autumn leaves disarray upon the concrete sidewalk. If the world is ending in three days, I'm going to make the most of it. Soak it up like a sponge. Do what I should've been doing these past seventeen years and love life for once ㅡ despite all the wrong. Despite the fact that I'll never graduate, and never meet my soulmate. I force myself to disregard the nagging thoughts that tug at my conscious.

I dont think about the fact that I'll never get a chance to buy my first apartment.

I dont think about how I wont be able to wake up every morning to make my significant other breakfast.

And I most certainly dont think about how I'll never be able to take my lovers hand at the alter and say with great pride, "I do."

Day 2. 48 hours until the world ends.

Today, I woke up early. Early enough that the sun still hasn't peaked over the clouds. They say that if you wake up early enough the day takes longer to end.

The aching pain in my chest never seems to cease. I laugh a little bitterly at the calander on the wall, I feel like its mocking me now. A part of me wants to rip the thing to shreds and scream until my throat is raw ㅡ but I said I'd make the best of these last days. So, I push these bitter thoughts from my mind and start up a warm shower.

Seventeen years of not wanting to be alive, and now I only have two days to live until the entire world completely goes to shit. Ironic, isn’t it? Why now am I so angry? The water is warm trickling down my bare body, as my shower thoughts continue treading forward to how I could make life better in less than forty-eight hours.

I walk down a different road today, deciding that routine wasnt necessary when the world is going to end in forty-eight hours. The countdown continues on nearby TVs, the bright white luminous against the dark morning sky.

It makes me feel anxious.

Destruction clouds my mind, but I bite my lip and hold my ground. This situation will not drive me crazy.

The town is a lot quieter than I expected, then again it's only 6 in the morning.

The day carries on just as any other day, the air seems heavier though. It's the night time that brings chaos.

You see, I've been walking around town all day blowing that last little bits of money I have on little things that have no purpose. The sky is the same sunset peach as it was yesterday, only barely hinting at a blue color.

There's a faint noise a few blocks from where I am standing, and at first I chose the ignore it. The yelling got louder and louder until I felt my feet pull like magnets to what was going on.

Chocolate hair, smooth tan skin shining under the soft orange of the sky, handfuls of someones shirt as this mystery man pinned some junky against the rough brick wall. His eyes held a killer glow, practically fuming from the ears. I was going to mind my own business, but then I saw the other strike at the brunette ㅡ and I dont know why, but I stepped in.

A surprise attack, a blow right to the face, maybe a minor bruise on my cheek from when the other decided to attack back ㅡ but soon he left. I turn my gaze back to the brunette who still sits on the floor, palms pressed into the concrete.

"I didnt need your help," he hissed, dusting his hands against the black fabric of his jeans.

"Oh you're welcome for saving your ass, wasnt a problem at all." My hand lifts to my face, pressing onto the bruise and wincing before squatting next to this stranger. "Is it bad? Let me see," The moment my hand makes contact with the others chin I feel the rush of electricity course through me.

Overwhelming is an understatement. Sweet emotions flooded through my mind but I can feel the pounding of fear in my veins, and bittersweet it was. When I retract my hand, I see that he's mirrored the exact expression I have; eyes blown wide, fear in the darks of his pupils.

"Eren..?" trying to keep my voice from cracking seems hard, and it comes out more like a whisper. This situation leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. Where the hell has he been for seventeen years? Why is he just now showing up?

Eren immediately sprung to his feet, taking a few steps back with no words to say. I snatched at his left arm, pushing the sweaters sleeve up and over his forearm to see my name inked in blue against his paper skin. "So.. you're my soulmate?" I promise I didnt mean to make it sound disappointed ㅡ but in a way, I guess you could say I was.

So many questions raced through my mind; but the biggest question of all was why? Why now of all times we could've met? Why must I be gifted with the worst luck.

Eren isnt a bad person though, and in the few hours we've spent together I can tell you this; His favorite color is red, he lives with his mother and a girl that his family took in when they were very little - who he loves dearly, he can play guitar very well, he looks absolutely adorable with his hair tied up, and that's only the stuff he's told me within the first hour.

Words cannot express how much I wished we could have more time together, but the bright TV clocks continue to remind me that our time is running out.

"There's nothing more I'd rather do than to spend my last moments with you," Eren whispered, golden flecks in his beautiful ocean eyes. His hand was held in mine as the pained expression washed over his face. Somewhere in the conversation led us to this point of heartbreak. We both explained how we wanted nothing more than to meet earlier in life, but apparently the universe had a different plan.

The idea of parting with Eren now just seemed like a waste, and I'd much rather take my dying last breath next to the one I looked for my entire life. Falling in love is easy when you've got nothing to live for.

The walk back to my house is silent, but it's a comfortable silence, and we never seem to let go of each others hands. The house is quiet and dark when we enter.

The rest of the remaining night we have is spent cuddled under the thick blanket of mine, Eren held me close to his chest as we whisper sweet things that wont mean much in a few hours. Chaste kisses are showered over the male as I remind him of how I never stopped searching for him.

He studied my face, moving a strand of hair behind my ear before placing his palm onto my cheek and rubbing his thumb across the smoothness underneath my eye. I could feel my breath begin to shallow and my heart skip a beat. I loved the way his eyes sparkled under my dim-lit room, the way I could feel his heartbeat pulsing from how close we lay where, how steady his breathing was, and how gentle he caressed me.

Its bittersweet, and I never believed in the after life, but with him - maybe, just maybe, we will meet again in the next life.

#attack on titan #eren yeager #shaggis writing #shaggis cloud #soulmarks #eren x y/n #eren aot #snk #eren fluff #eren angst

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voidselfshipp · 4 years ago

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Undestoood

Cw: ask to tag.

Ok to rb.

Summary: Erik has a nightmare and jerico goes to help him, he just forgot that he cant lie to an empath.

The school was quiet.

Too quiet.

Jerico gets out of bed, her feet dragging her to the halls, she yawns closing the door behind her.

Her fingertips feel tingly, the emotions around her were calmness and happiness.

But there was something wrong.

One in particular, this one stinged.

Someone had a nightmare.

She walks down The corridor to the kitchen, the trail takes her to the yard,she sighs, there he was.

Jerico walks outside, its chilly, and there was Erik with a coffee mug, his eyes seeing what was infront of him, his mind however wasnt.

Jer leans on the concrete handrail like he was doing,he finally comes back down from the clouds, and looks at her.

-- youre up late-- he said.

-- or something woke me up-- she retorted

He chuckled,letting out a little sigh-- I forgot,youre very sensitive to emotions around you, what woke you up?

Jerico looked at him--you

--Me? Why?

--Erik...dont play dumb I know you had a nightmare

Erik looks away-- no I didnt, im fine!

-- then why do you feel scared?

--im not--

Jerico furrows her brows crossing her arms, he sighs and drinks from his mug.

--How can you tell?-- he said defeated.

-- I was sleeping, something woke me up, my hands felt cold and stingy and I knew something was up, I followed the feeling here

He nodds-- how...how does that feel?

-- stingy, as if something was biting my fingers, my hands get cold, up to my wrist

She sighed looking at him.

--Please let me help you-- jerico said-- youre not fan of getting your head messed with, but I cant see you like this, you dont have to tell me anything if you dont want to but please

Erik sighs leaving the mug on the handrail, he extends his forearm, letting her trail her fingers down his veins, her hand holding his wrist as her thumb brushed the serial number tattooed near his wrist.

She lets out a soft Gasp as her hand interlazes her fingers with his.

Suddenly he feels what she feels.

Sadness,compassion, worry...and love?

It burns him right on his chest, its overwhelming, how long has she been harboring this crush?

He coos, the fear he felt was going away, he felt calm now, he squeezed her hand softly coming closer to her, she presses her head on his bicep as tears go down her face.

She was feeling what his nightmares were about, his parents, his wife and daughter.

His free hand caressed her cheek kissing the top of her head.

--im so sorry Erik-- jericó said looking at him-- all that happened to you, it was awful...oh my god...--he felt how bad she felt for him, he hugs her tightly.

He was understood,that made him feel better, he hug his friend tightly.

--youre so strong for living with all of this-- jer said-- I couldnt understand before but I do now...

He smiles softly leaning in-- I dont understand how can you live with all this love for me, what? You think I couldnt feel that too?, come here you

He kissed jerico, pulling her closer hugging her waist, she kisses back as he trails down her neck leaving kisses all over her skin.

He presses his head against the crook of her neck-- thank you for helping me jerico

--Thank you for letting me help you Erik

They go inside the mansion again and up to her room.

They lay down on the bed as he hugs her from behind.

He was at ease,he could go back to sleep again.

Though,he let her trail down his forearm to his hand and hold it, using her powers to lull him into a peacefull slumber.

-- I love you--erik said before falling asleep against her back.

--i love you too--answered jerico squeezing his hand.

#erik tag pending #ask to tag #holocaust mention tw #tw holocaust mention #cw holocaust mention #holocaust imagery

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lunar-fey · 5 years ago

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wait so i had a dream.

i dont remember 99% of it but

there was a guy.

he was overly hostile and rude but there was something bothering me. he was about my age but working as a cleaner for this older guy.

he was constantly trying to get me to go away but…i could feel something was wrong. im not sure that he was human. he had a name and i remembered it and woke up and forgot then remembered it and fell back asleep AS SOON AS I REMEMBERED and then it was gone.

i could tell the man he worked for was definitely not human and he was up to something bad but i couldnt get close enough to figure it out. at some point something clicked in the guy-my-age’s mind and he asked for my help cleaning.

(he helped me get hired and i had to pretend to be a normal human. it was then that i learned he was collecting human children for something.)

i understood instantly. it was in a dusty empty warehouse. he wanted my help looking for something.

oh. i remembered something? he looked different almost everytime i looked at him but Noticably. in my dreams that usually is just a “dream thing” but i could tell in my dream it was an effect of him not being human. i remember him corralling me into the warehouse and he was twice my height behind me.

as i came into the room i felt drawn towards one wall in particular. it was weird and i cant remember the details but there were two locked doors that went nowhere on that wall. there was a lil alcove above the door to the right so i had him help me up.

i remembered feeling him thinking about how hed already looked there but there was a loose panel in the concrete which easily gave way. there were velvet pouches of what kinda felt and sounded like dice inside but i knew it was something else. i thought maybe gems but it seemed more important. i got two out and stuffed them quickly in my pocket and then went to leave altho the guy started to ask about the bags and i gave him a Look.

outside i started heading in a direction and then….

it was odd.

i remember going in one direction and seeing some kids playing and then i said “actually im trying to find somewhere secluded but i dont know where the forests are around here. im new to this place”

and he nodded and started leading me in a different direction but…

then there were 2 other people. i could feel that they were also not human but i could trust them at least a bit? so i started flying in front of them. the guy couldnt fly very well, something about how he could hover but only 9 ft above the ground or hed fall?

i remember going over a small cliff with a river at the bottom and catching him by the collar and returning him to land. the other two were gone by now. i remember vaguely something about a temple. i think they were priests?

i woke up after this (forgot his name, then remembered, THEN fell back asleep) and the scene had changed. he and i were packing bc the boss was leaving and he was going ro go with him and i had to go elsewhere.

i remember that i had kind of fallen in love with this guy and didnt want to see him go. i knew if i solved the case i would be able to get him to stay with me.

its all fragmented after that. i remember packing, i remember starting to play dnd but feeling sad that it lacked a “his name-ey-ness” bc apparently he was very organized and kept lists of things and kept things overall a bit more serious.

i left the table.

and then….

i remember being in a dormitory like area, where the “servants” such as myself and him slept, as well as the children.

i remember seeing two backpacks in a room and getting mad that i had to seperate.

then i remember … him telling me something about a book thats really popular “here” and im not sure if he meant in this town or on his homeworld exactly, either eay he directed me to a store and they basically just had hundreds of volumes and reprints of this same sailor moon esque manga?

i remember thinking that something MUST be hidden there. the mangas covered each shelf but all the back walls were filled with crates of random like. old game consoles and carts.

as i was looking around for The Secret an employee approached me, holding up a thin green ribbon and said “i found a red ribbon over there, is it yours?” i couldnt feel if she was trustworthy so i just said no to which she scoffed and said “when would anyone actually ask if youd lost something as small as a ribbon…. follow me.” and took me into the back of the store where she started asking me questions.

i remember thinking 2 things. these are good people fighting to unmask this boss dude, and that they were a human organization, so i had to pretend to be human.

she started asking me questions as we walked and i recognized the questions as being part of a psych eval, to tell if i was human and uh. neurologically appropriate for the job she was gonna give me.

i heard the first question as, “you are standing in front of a monster. who is with you?” to which i said my brother and she looked at me weird and asked the next question “how do you kill it?” to which i said “uhhh….i wouldnt??” and she said “id hope not” and then showed me the paper which showed the first question as:

“you see a monster, fat, pink, and plump. who is it.”

i woke up from the recoil.

i never figured out what was in the bags.

#i seriously can't remember guys name #but at SOME point i started calling the evil boss man benrey send help #dream #dreams

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kickassviv · 5 years ago

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New fic by Squeeze My Lemon 123

Heres a new fic guys! This story is about how Jill and Victoria got locked in a closet by Danielle and Lieke. It takes place in their hotel during the world cup (A/N: i promise its not like that Narnia movie!! Its not as realistic as that one unfortunately, its all fictional!!) Anyways, they are in love

wow i like how its constantly raining

It was a rainy day in the fall. Summer had passed and now it was raining. The rain fell from the sky like a shower of rain. Jill was clad in a yellow poncho. Her hair was pulled into a ponytail and she looked upset

“I am upset.” she said, her voice echoing off the hard walls. The walls were hard like concrete. Her hands clenched into fists. Like balls of fury. “I am not happy at all.”

She sighed. She had just finished training with the team and now she was upset. For months she had been feeling this pull in her heart. it distrated her from focussing when she was shooting balls at sari in goal and her best friend Viv would laugh at her for failing because she sucked. There was only 1 thing to blame for her sucking.. It was Victoria.

She was friends with Victoria for like a long time. yes a long time now. Years and years. They both played soccer so thats why (A/N THEy both play for ORANJE!!!). Anyways let’s continue. So Jill and Victoria were friends for a long time. One day Jills bus buddy viv was sick and it was very contagious so she was put in qarantaine and couldn’t sit next to jill (A/N viv lived i promise). That day, a day in the fall (it was raining), Jill sat next to vicky.

Jill had a flashback as she stood there in her yellow poncho

“Hi vic.” said jill “Hello Jill.” Vic smiled. Jills knees felt weak and she almost dropped to the floor like a boneless chicken wing but she didnt. “are u ok?” “yes. I am now.” Said jill and then blushed. “can i sit with u? viv is super sick and in quarentine.” “yes.” said vic. the bus driver honked and the bus drove off with screeching tires. they were on the run for team USA (they wanted to sabotage them for the WC final but wouldnnot suceed) Anyway so they drove off “lets watch a movie.” said vicky and jill nodded stoicially trying to be cool Victoria put on Sausage Party and sighed. “this movie si so romantic.” and she put her head against jills shoulder. In the meantime lieks farted loudly behind them, “oopsy daisy” Jills heart beat faster as she inhaled victoria’s scent like freshly roasted muffins and suddenly she realized. Her eyes widened. “I am in love,” she thought and bit her tongue. “Ouch!” “oh no.” Vicky looked concerned and tenderly touched jills cheek. “are u sick? did viv-er infect u with her fever?” “No i am fine.” jill said but from that moment her life changed because she was in love with victoria.

End flashback —-

Rain dripped of jills yellow poncho on the ground. Her footstepps echoed off the ground. Click clack. Today in training she had been passing balls with viv and then it had happend. she heard victoria giggling. It was her cute giggle that sounded likea scene from the sound of music on repeat for hours. beautiful like a sunflower field. jills eyes had narrowed to sliths as she had looked at vicky. she was giggling with sarina wig man. jills heart broke in pieces.

“Stupid sarina wig guy, trying to steal my girl.” jill said, mad, stomping her feet. Suddenly she heard voices behind her.

“Hey jill.” said lieke “Hello lieke” said jill. “Whats up.” “I wanna show u something.” lieke said and grabbed her arm and led her down the narrow shadowy corridor. Ed Sheerans latest hit played in the background. “Where are we going” asked jill but suddenly she saw daan. “Daan is that u?” Daan laughed evily. “Ha ha ha yes it is.” Then lieks opened a closet door and pushed jill in. The door closed behind her sith a loud bang and the lock clicked. She was locked “Nooooooo” she wailed and lieks laughed evily “Ha ha ha” Fading footsteps Jill panted and felt around. Her hands touched something short “a midget!” “No its me. Vicky.” “Oh vicky. Hi what are u doing here” In the dark jill could see vics sad face. “Daan locked me up” :( “Lieke locked me up!” Said jill in utter shock. “I guess we are stuck here just you and me and a pumpkin” “I brought the pumpkin” “Oh ok.” “So..” said vicky, gazing into jills eyes. Jill looked lovingly into vics beautiful grelue eyes. The world faded a way and all there was left was her vic and the pumpkin “Vic.” whispered jill. “I must confess.. i cant handle my feelings anymore after seeing u with sarina wiggles today,” her brow furrowed passionately and she placed her hands on vickys cheeks. “I dont want u to giggle with her. I want u to be mine. I love u, my queen victoria.” Silence followed for a long time like 2 minutes. Jill felt bervous but she tried to act cool Then, vic smiled “finally. I love u too Jilly, my precious koala.” They kissed then. Kissed again. Vic grabbed jills yellow poncho tightly and stood on her toes to kiss her. Lieks farted loudly in the halway but they didnt care. They lived happily ever after (lieks and daan let them out of the closet dont worry guys)

The end.

#tw: gross #why do you this to me god #submission

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angstybadboytrash · 6 years ago

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|| Voice of Treason|| Chapter 6

[DABI X OC]

Summary: Hanako Yamada is tired of living in her brother’s shadow, so when an old friend comes back into her life, she can’t help but take a chance and make a new name for herself alongside the League of Villains.

Chapter: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5

A/N: Hey Guys! Writing for this has been awesome. I don’t have an entirely specific plot for this piece but as I go along pieces go together. I have an idea on how I want this to end but I’m struggling getting there. I also realize these first few chapters are more centered around my OC and her development than her relationship with Dabi. But please don’t fret! Big things are coming!! Also I wanted to put my own twist on this and have some Villain!Bakugou so this is a chapter leading up to that. But here’s some more Hana development and soft Bakugou. Enjoy! Please give me some feedback!

Reblog to be put on tag list

Tags: @fridgesbestfriend @princedabi @nightkidd-hd @gaylemonsmutfluff @dark-eyed-dream @sweetycue @aarinisreading

It was complete and utter chaos when the leauge finally made their messy getaway. With Bakugo in tow they had accomplished their goal but now came the hard part. Getting him to join.

They locked him in the cellar downstairs and were going to deal with him tomorrow. Hana couldn’t seem to shake the feeling that if they waited he wouldn’t join. Right now he was alone and vulnerable and she was going to take advantage of that.

After the team had gone to sleep, Hana snuck downstairs to talk to the hotheaded teenager. She still wore her uniform and the clicking of her boots against the cement floor caught Bakugo‘s attention.

Hana didn’t know this boy well at all, but she had seen him during the sports festival so she knew what he could do.

“What the fuck do you want.”

“Look I just want to talk. I’m not gonna hurt you or anything. I come in peace kiddo.” Hana had brought a chair down with her and sat straddling the seat while leaning on the back of the chair with her arms crossed.

“So... what’s your story?” Hana’s tone was kind and curious. She wanted to get to know Bakugo before trying to get him to join.

“I don’t have to tell you shit. Let me go you sick bitch.” Bakugo was angry but he was too tired to put much effort into his insults. His hands were handcuffed behind him so he couldn’t really fight.

“Okay I get it. The Leauge kidnapped you. But there’s no need to call me a bitch. I didn’t kidnap you, they did.” Hana pretended to look hurt.

“Whatever.”

“Listen. I just wanna get to know you. I wanna know your story. How about we make a deal. I’ll tell you who I am and what my story is first, and then you tell me yours. Deal?”

Katsuki thought it over for a moment. He could tell Hana wasn’t a threat but he could also tell she was stubborn. She wasn’t gonna budge and she was gonna keep asking no matter how many times he cursed at her or spit in her face. After a long day of training and over exerting his powers, for the first time in a while, Bakugo wasn’t in the mood to argue.

“Whatever. Deal.” He rolled his eyes as the raven haired girl infront of him smiled enthusiastically.

“Awesome! Let’s get started, oh um, where should I start? Um, hi, my name is Hanako Yamada. My friends call me Hana, um-“

“Wait, you’re- you’re the missing girl. You’re Present Mic’s little sister aren’t you?” Bakugo couldn’t help but interrupt.

“Yeah. Sadly that’s me. Um anyway-” Hana nervously fiddled with her fingers, spinning the promise ring that Touya gave her senior year around in circles.

“Why sadly? Your brother is a hero? Aren’t you proud?” Bakugo was confused at why Hana didn’t enjoy having a pro hero older brother.

“I was proud when he was still my brother. Before he went pro. Before he went pro he was actually there for me. Hizashi is almost 8 years older than me but he always took care of me. When he graduated and went pro, he -he wasn’t my brother anymore. He was Present Mic, the magnificent Pro-Hero. He would call every once in a while but he was never there for me.”

Bakugo understood completely. He knew what it was like to have someone who didn’t act like the person they needed them to be. His mother never really acted like a mother. She wasn’t caring or nurturing like everyone else’s mom. She yelled a lot and was never really there for him when he needed his mom.

“Um.. Anyway.. I didnt go to UA for school but growing up everyone knew me as Hizashi’s little sister. He was loud and outgoing and I was the opposite. I kept to myself and didn’t have very many friends which was fine with me. I would have gone to college but I lost someone really close to me when I turned 20. My best friend disappeared. Me and Touya had big plans for life but after he disappeared I didn’t know what to do with myself. I moved out and got a job at the coffee bar down the street and that was my new life. I lived alone and sad. Hizashi would text me occasionally but he wasn’t there for me like I needed him to be.” Hana ran her fingers through her long black locks and played with the dead ends.

“I know the feeling.. I don’t have any siblings but I can relate because of my mom.. My mom doesn’t really act like my mom. She’s got a firecracker personality and it’s where I get mine from but she’s cold, and harsh, and she blows up at me more than she says she loves me. She doesn’t care for me like other kids moms. That’s one reason why I hate Deku... his home life is so much better than mine and he takes it for granted. You have no idea how much I would give to be able to hear my mom say she was proud of me for once...” Bakugo’s voice wavered as he talked and Hana knew this must be a hard topic for him.

“Hey kiddo it’s gonna be okay. I’m sorry your mom isn’t much of a mom..” Hana didn’t really know what to say to the blonde but she she couldn’t help but feel resentful towards his mother. Hana couldn’t understand why someone wouldn’t care for their child like a proper human being. Hana didn’t care for kids that much but she knew they needed love and positive encouragement.

“I’m sorry your brother isn’t much of a brother.” Bakugo couldn’t help but mimic the woman infront of him. He wished that his mother had conversations like this with him. Bakugo didn’t have an outlet to let talk to anyone or let out his emotions and this time with Hana was something he was really enjoying. But he would never admit that to her. Without realizing it, Bakugo had let his walls down and it felt good.

That night Hana and Bakugo spilled secrets, told jokes, shared stories and they both let their walls down and just.. talked. Which was something new for the both of them. They both had more fun than they would like to admit and enjoyed each others company. Hana had started to care for the boy and if he needed a mother figure, she was gonna do her best to be that for him.

— The Next Morning —

Bakugo woke to the loud slam of the wooden door against the concrete wall.

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU LET HIM GO-Oh he’s right here. Oh you meant. Oh.” Dabi rubbed the back of his neck in embarrassment. He didn’t realize when you told him that you let him go, you meant you untied his restraints.

“Sorry to wake you hun. I’m about to make breakfast. I’ll bring you some in a bit.” Hana rubbed her fingers through Bakugo’s messy blonde hair. He nodded to Hana and rubbed the sleep from his eyes.

“What just happened? Why are you making him breakfast and not me??” Dabi was baffled by the interaction he just watched. He couldn’t believe that his girlfriend was making a prisoner breakfast instead of her boyfriend.

“I stayed up last night and talked to the boy. Got to know him and we talked about stuff. He’s got some issues with a parental figure that’s lacking and I figured that if I give him what he needs he can help us get what we want. Plus he’s a really good kid Dabi, he trusts me.” Hana worked her way around the kitchen as she spoke. Making bacon and eggs for the firecracker in the basement.

“Update Shigaraki on the situation so he doesn’t go prodding in places he isn’t needed. I’m so close to getting a forward answer from him on joining.” Hana couldn’t help but smile at the thought of Bakago joining their little ring of misfits. So far he hadnt tried to escape and he seemed to trust her and if he didn’t then he was a hell of a good actor.

Hana entered the basement with the hot breakfast and a glass of orange juice. Bakugo’s mouth pratically watered at the sight. “Here you go hun, if you need anything else let me know.” Bakugo hummed in response as he dug into food and started shoveling.

“Katsuki i need to talk to you. I know you are probably hesitant about all of this but i wanted to know if you’ll join us..” Hana couldn’t help but fiddle with her fingers in anticipation for the boys answer. she was very anxious about asking him but thats what Shigaraki wanted.

Bakugo was silent. He knew this was coming but he didn’t realize it would be so soon.

“You won’t have to stay with us if you don’t want to. You can stay at UA and be our informant. You won’t be technically a part of the league of villains but you will assist us. I can train you. You’re already amazing and at the top of your class but you could be so much more Katsuki..” Hana started rambling to fill the awkward silence..

“Shut up fuckstick. Stop rambling. I- I’ll-“

Before he could answer the bulding shook as a huge explosion went off. The building shook so hard that it knocked Hana off her feet. She fell forward into the teen and he caught her effortlessly.

Hana mumbled several curses under her breath as she pulled herself together. She knew exactly who was here and she was pissed. Dabi lit ablaze in self defense and Hana was so ready to scream.

“Watch the kid. I have someone to deal with.” Hana rushes out of the room before either of the boys could protest.

Hana silently prayed that her least favorite person wasn’t here but then she heard it.

“LETS GET READY TO RUMBLE. GIVE ME BACK MY SISTER! YA DIG?!”

Present Mic’s booming voice could be heard from miles away.

“Fuck.”

#dabi is a todoroki #dabi #dabi x oc #dabi x reader #league of villians #voice of treason #katsuki bakugou #villain!bakugou

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sientoism · 7 years ago

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All Night [RENMIN ONESHOT] [M.B.M]

i had this idea for a long time now but i didnt think i would make it

here i am

also i didnt think the theme would fit suju

so i gave it to nct dream

so this is a renmin fic

also warning : this takes place in a club, they won't drink alcohol tho, but i really think the theme fits nct dream

angst at first but really fluffy at the end

inspired by snsd's all night

enjoy hoes (also m.b.m means made by me (: )

"Come on, it's time to go." Hyuck, or Haechan as most people would call him, tugged on Renjun's wrist. "We're at a club, it's time to have fun. I did light makeup on your face now let's go!" Hyuck whined. Renjun didn't budge. Instead, he sat there, scenes of what happened the day before flashing before his eyes. "Look, I brought you to the club for a reason. I know you're very sad right now but it would be even sadder if you were to stay at home, sulking and drowning yourself in tissues. Now, come on. I'm your best friend. Let's have fun!" Hyuck told the distressed Renjun. Renjun let out a sigh and gave in, stepping on the support and then on the concrete street.

THE DAY BEFORE

"Renjun, come meet me at the nearby cafe. The one with barely any customers." Renjun smiled at Jeno's text that was on his screen. "It's Jeno again isn't it?" His friend, Mark said. "Yeah. He wants me to meet him at the cafe we usually go to."

"The one with barely any customers?" Jaemin said, sipping on his coffee. Renjun hummed.

"Well, maybe you should go now. We'll wait for ya." Hyuck smiled. Renjun stood up and left the cafe he was at. The cafe Jeno was talking about wasn't very far from the cafe he was at. It was an estimated five-minute walk. But Renjun felt like something was unusual.

Jeno only ever calls Renjun by his name when he was serious or when he had news to tell him. Jeno would call him "baby", "babe" or "bub". But he doesn't assume quickly. He assures himself that nothing bad would happen and that it might just be some good news for them both. Maybe he got accepted into his part-time job. Maybe he wanted to spend time with him. Maybe he was gonna surprise him even though it wasn't a special occasion.

Renjun's footsteps neared the glass door of the cafe. He pushed the door and found Jeno at the very back of the cafe. Renjun closes the door behind him and walked towards Jeno, who gave him a smile. But the smile didn't have his eyes into that crescent shape everyone knew. Renjun felt like something was wrong.

"Hey." Jeno said. It was almost like a sigh. It was as if he felt uninterested.

"Hey, what's up? Why did you want me to come here?" Renjun smiled, showing his crooked tooth on the side. "I have something to tell you. I think it's important that you know it now than playing around with it for a while." Renjun raised an eyebrow. “What could that thing possibly be?” Renjun thought. Jeno took a deep inhale and a heavy exhale. Jeno was playing with his fingers, looking down at the table and his eyes were of a different emotion Renjun saw for the first time.

"I think we should...see...other...people..." Jeno's voice grew smaller with every word. That sentence was like a dagger to Renjun's heart. The expression painted on Renjun's face was nothing like Jeno had seen before. It was a new expression that Renjun rarely shows. Renjun was heartbroken.

"What do you mean? Is there something wrong with us? With me?" Tears began pooling in Renjun's eyes. His eyes turned into vermilion. His hands grew sweaty and gripped on the small wooden table between them. "It's me. I'm sorry. You're perfect believe me. You're everything a person could ask for but...I'm beginning to lose...my feelings. I didn't wanna play around with it and let you find out. I had to tell you right away. You'd be hurt even more if you found out yourself, right?"

Renjun's breathing was unstable, his hands were heavily sweating and a tear ran down his smooth cheek. "D-do you...love someone else?" Jeno was taken aback by that question.

"No, I don't. You were the only one. But my feelings started to...disappear...I'm very sorry." Jeno's eyes were apologetic looking into Renjun's red, teary eyes. "It's okay. I can accept that. I mean, you're right. I would've...been more hurt if...i...found out...myself.". He sniffed and wiped his tears away.

Jeno stood up and hugged Renjun for the last time and gave him a kiss on his forehead. "There are plenty of people out there for you to date. I'm not the only one. There are way better people out there. I'm just not the top one that you're looking for. I promise you that." Renjun wrapped his arms around Jeno's waist and started crying heavily into his chest, staining his black hoodie. "I'm very sorry."

—

Renjun wore the black mask walking down the street and looked down at the gray cement, walking back to the cafe he was previously at.

"Is that Renjun?" Jaemin put down his coffee on the glass table, seeing Renjun walk down the sidewalk. "He never walks like that. He only wears the mask when he's disturbed or when something is happening." Hyuck stood up and went out of the cafe to pick up Renjun. "Renjun, what happened?" Renjun ran into Hyuck's arms and sobbed heavily. "Sweetie, what happened to you? Let's go inside. It's scalding out here." Hyuck and Renjun enter the cafe. Jaemin and Mark were alert when they saw a weeping, red-eyed Renjun sit in front of them.

He took off his mask and tried to collect himself until he suddenly remembers what happened. "There, there. Tell us what happened." Hyuck told him.

"Don't tell me Jeno broke up with you." Jaemin straightforwardly said. Renjun looked up at him. They met each others eyes and the message immediately sent to Jaemin. "That motherfu—" Jaemin stood up but was calmed down by Mark.

"Dude, calm down. You don't need to involve violence in this. It could hurt Renjun more." Mark glanced at Renjun. "We're here for you. Start from the beginning."

BACK AT THE CLUB

Hyuck pulled out his ID, Renjun did too and the bouncer let them in. There weren't a lot of people in this club as it was a new and underappreciated place. It was as good as high-end clubs so it would be fun to party here while it's still spacious. "Mark~," Hyuck said to his boyfriend, Mark. "Hey, Hyuck." Mark kissed his boyfriend on his cheek and patted the available seats next to him on the big, soft couch. Renjun sat down next to Hyuck. "Where's Jaemin, Chenle and Jisung?" Mark asked.

"Jaemin said he was on his way. I don't know where the hell ChenSung went." Hyuck said. "I see Jaemin in the distance." Mark pointed at a black figure. The figure went to them, revealing it was Jaemin in a loose, black shirt, ripped denim pants, white shoes and some earrings on his ears.

Renjun found this outfit on Jaemin really attractive and couldn't help blushing. It was a good thing that it was late at night and the blush wasn't seen. "Hey guys." Jaemin's deep voice gained Renjun's attention. He looked at Jaemin. “He must've asked Hyuck to put make up on him.” Renjun thought.

"Jaemin, you look hot." Hyuck complimented Jaemin. "Of course. If we're gonna help Renjun get his mind off of that Jeno, we're gonna have to look hot doing so." Jaemin smiled. Renjun felt the familiar feeling he got when he first had feelings for Jeno. “This isn't right.” Renjun thought once more.

"Renjun, you alright?" Jaemin deep voice softly asked Renjun. Renjun looked at him and nodded once. "Loosen up. You don't need to worry about him anymore. I see dolphin Chenle and his chicken partner in the distance. This should be fun." Jaemin's arm, which was around Renjun when he asked him, was off of his shoulders when Chenle and Jisung arrived at the table. "We're here!" Chenle proclaimed.

"Jeez, Chenle, you're so gay." Mark told the dolphin. "I'm just following my hyung, right Hyuck?" Chenle looked at his hyung.

"You're a copy, I'm an original." He made a face that made Chenle laugh. A loud and upbeat song blasted through the speakers. "Guys! This is my jam! Let's go Chenle!" Jisung dragged Chenle to the dance floor, along with Mark and Hyuck, leaving Renjun and Jaemin alone.

"Let's go?" Jaemin gave a reassuring smile, knowing that he shouldn't force him to the dance floor if he didn't want to. He wasn't a party person as well and preferred quiet, chill and calm places. The club definitely wasn't one of the quiet, chill and calm places Renjun had favored. "I wanna...leave..it's too noisy.." Renjun gave an apologetic look to Jaemin. "Alright." Jaemin held Renjun's hand and the pit in his stomach came back.

“Why am I feeling like this? I just broke up with Jeno, I should have some feelings left for him. I mean that's how everyone is, right Renjun?”

Renjun and Jaemin left the club. "I know the Moomin cafe you absolutely adore is a few minutes away. Wanna visit?" When Jaemin mentioned Moomin, Renjun was beyond excited to enter the cafe. So, Renjun zoomed to the cafe, knowing the exact directions to get to the cafe along with Jaemin. A panting, exhausted Jaemin that is.

The Moomin cafe was 24/7, which made Renjun a happy child at this moment. Renjun pushed the door, holding it open for Jaemin. "I know what your order is, find us a place to sit." Renjun smiled, showing his crooked tooth.

Jaemin actually has feelings for Renjun. Everytime Renjun would smile, the same feeling of butterflies in his stomach would return. But Renjun and Jeno got together and Jaemin didn't have the chance to date him. He didn't wanna act rude, he respected their relationship fully and then eventually, his feelings for Renjun disappeared. Until yesterday when Jeno broke up with Renjun. This was his chance to protect him and look after Renjun ; to treat him better than Jeno. He knew Renjun deserves more.

Renjun found a place to sit at the back of the cafe. He was astonished at the cute Moomin designs on the wall. The white couches, the white tables, little Moomin ornaments on the table. He felt like a kid again back in his hometown in China. He misses being with his family but he has to finish his studies in Korea for now.

Jaemin went back with two drinks and a Moomin plushie, which made Renjun adjust himself in his seat, preparing to cuddle the shit out of that Moomin plushie. "So the worker there told me that on Fridays, they give out Moomin plushies for free. So they gave me one. Here," Jaemin handed him the plushie and his usual drink. Renjun hugged the plushie. Like hardcore hugged the plushie. Jaemin found this to be adorable but didn't notice that he was staring at him in a dreamy state. "Jaemin? You alright there? You're kinda staring at me weirdly." Renjun snapped a finger in front of his face. "Oh, um sorry. You looked adorable...while hugging the plushie." Jaemin blushed and looked down.

"Really? Um, thank you." Renjun laughed and blushed as well.

For a few hours, the two exchanged random stories and opinions on random topics. The two enjoyed each other's company even though one of them was deeply hurt. Jaemin's company really made Renjun completely forget about Jeno. Renjun felt safe around Jaemin. He had been feeling that way even before he met Jeno. Jeno just added more of the feeling, until he left.

"I have been meaning to tell you something though." Jaemin said to Renjun.

"Hm?" Renjun looked up while sipping his drink.

"I...have had feelings for you for a long time now but since Jeno came, it disappeared and I respected your relationship a lot. But when Jeno broke up with yoh and saw you in a state none of us, your friends, have seen before, I was very worried. I was so hurt. I was as hurt as you were. And now, seeing you very comfortable with me. I feel like you feel safe around me. It's okay if you don't like me back but please know that I'm here for you when you're sad. You don't have to like me back..." Jaemin's words turned into mumbles.

"Actually, I kept questioning my feelings earlier in the club. I thought it was very unnatural to just fall for another guy after breaking up with Jeno. You made me forget about him and that was what Hyuck's main goal was. Until ChenSung and MarkHyuck left us. Thanks for being here for me. I guess...I return the feelings. The feelings mutual, Jaemin." Renjun smiled, showing his crooked tooth once again.

Jaemin stood up and went to Renjun's side. He cupped Renjun's face but before leaning in, he gave him a look, asking if it was okay. Renjun smiled and leaned in himself. The soft lips of the two met and it was a meaningful kiss, a "you're safe with me" kiss. It ended abruptly when they heard an awe. They opened their eyes and saw ChenSung and MarkHyuck at the table in front of them.

"Fuck Jeno, Jaemin, you can have my child." Hyuck said, winking at Jaemin.

"Hyuck~" Mark whined. Hyuck kissed Mark on the cheek and Mark blushed.

"So is it official?" Jisung asked.

"Yeah is it?" Chenle said, excited.

"Well, maybe it's nice to take it slo—"

"Yes, it is." Renjun cut Jaemin off and kissed him again. A blushy Jaemin looked away after the kiss.

"Awe you guys. Wanna watch Moomin at Renjun's place?" Hyuck asked.

"All of a sudden?" Jisung questioned.

"As long as y'all don't trash the place like last time." Renjun smiled. "Let's go!" Jaemin stood up, holding Renjun's hand. Before going, Renjun grabbed his Moomin plushie and left with Jaemin and his friends.

Chenle, Jisung, Donghyuck and Mark were in front of them, brisk-walking on the sidewalk while Jaemin and Renjun were walking hand in hand with the Moomin plushie in Renjun's other hand. "Thank you." Renjun said softly to Jaemin.

"I love you." Renjun mumbled.

"I love you too." Jaemin replied.

THE END

It's so fluffy I'm gonna cRY.

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sakurabaneku · 7 years ago

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anime expo was soooooooooo much and it was so hot and overwhelming (and yes, crowded) but i had so much fun! under the cut because i sure do talk a lot

i knew ax was big but WHOA OK its on a whole nother level!! i dont think i even saw the entirety of the convention center and i didnt even step into the jw! wow ok! i was really worried about it being overwhelming and everyone being too busy to.. be friendly i guess but that wasnt really a problem!! everyone was really friendly, especially at the meets!! the ff meet was on the hottest day of the weekend and it was overcrowded and difficult to get things organized but everyone was still friendly and talkative and looking out for each other in that wild heat!! SHOUT OUT TO THE ZACK FAIR PHOTOBOMBING THE SHOOT BY DOING SQUATS IN THAT HEAT!! you really are a hero, zack fair. you really are.

speaking of the heat, idk how i survived in noctis all day in.. 106 or something degree weather but i loveloveLOVED being him!! it was worth the suffering!!!! one of my favorite costumes ive done so far i think and i got so many super nice comments from people on it and waah! also got arrested by the thot patrol and shoved into the ballpit by ardyn and ik ive already posted pics but that was fun. i didnt take nearly enough shitty meme pictures honestly. smh. I DIDNT GET A PICTURE OF ME GETTING FRIENDZONED BY LUNAFREYA which happened. noctis did a heart hand luna thumbs up’d. rip noctis.

cosplaying kingdom hearts is always a really fun time and im kinda glad i didnt finish riku in time bc kairi was a godsend of a costume. so comfortable. bless. and i just love being her!! im glad i brought my pins back to give out, everyone had the CUTEST reactions!! a sora also tossed me a little paopu fruit as he walked by which was really sweet and its soft and adorable!!

it was also the first time i wore bakura which was uhhhh and experience and that costume didnt make it home in one piece lol i really didnt feel great in it but i still had some fun!! littlekuriboh complimented it lol so like, my inner 10 year old can die happy!

i think the thing that really made this con was the people!! rooming with sharon, janice and emma was like, the best, chillest hotel room and i hadnt seen any of them in EONS i miss u guys come back to cali soon!!!! and meeting angel and aj was really nice and i had a lot of fun hanging out with them and also going to dennys at midnight in cosplay. andrew and jesse are local friends so i see them a lot but it was still fun hanging out with them at the con! they braved the outdoors to meet up with me at the ff shoot. brave souls.

i met a lot of real cool new people too, and people id seen once or twice before at cons and got to spend more time with and everyone was just! really nice!! and fun to talk to!! hopefully the people i met felt the same about me and i didnt annoy anyone or talk anyones ear off.. too much cause i sure do that my apologies if i was the biggest pest in the universe!!!

ALSO SPENT A LOT OF TIME IN ARTIST ALLEY LOL.. someone was selling ffxv omanjuus so i got a prompto and a noctis!! omanjuus are my absolutest favoritest kind of merch ever. im so happy. actually i mostly just bought xv merch for myself... OOPS i got some cute sorikai tho!!! i got more stickers for my travel sketchbook :3

AND!!!!! AND I GOT TO PLAY KH3 DEMO!!!! the lines were capped for most of the weekend... except for when i walked by and one of the booth employees went “PSST HEY GUYS, WANNA PLAY KINGDOM HEARTS 3?” hells yeah. uh, i know some people dont wanna see details about kh3 until they actually play it and idk if anyones actually READING this but im gonna talk about the demo so like.. leave now if u dont wanna see any of that

the gameplay!! was so good!! it was so FAST and smooth and intuitive! but it was creative and cool and you can switch keyblades in combat and the attraction attacks are SO CUTE! theres something so emotionally satisfying about killing things with the tea cups. you could play olympus and/or toy story world if you had time to do both in the 15 minutes you got (i finished toy story and almost finished olympus!) the toy story world was so cute!! TOY SORA IS THE MOST ADORABLE and fighting in the mechs was actually really fun!! the cutscenes were included for toy story but there were 7 minutes of cutscene so i skipped it rip. there’s nothing new that hasnt been seen in trailers and stuff yet but it was super fun to actually play it!! it’s a lot like bbs/ddd gameplay but a lot better and idk, im not an expert in gamedev but it just felt like combat had a good.. flow to it and its a million lightyears away from the clunky gameplay of kh1!!!! ITS COME SO FAR!! IM PROUD! and also it just feels like its a REAL CONCRETE thing thats actually happening now that ive actually gotten a chance to play it for real. kh3 isnt fake yall. wow. wow.

ANYWAY. THAT WAS A LOT OF TALKING AND I FEEL LIKE THERES A HUNDRED MORE THINGS I WANNA SAY it was a good weekend. im very tired. im so sad its over. idk when my next con is but im hoping mayyybe ala???? maybe????????? we’ll see! other than that uhhh i really just have disneyland planned so... i guess its time to actually finish riku for the halloween party.

#maddie talks #ax2018

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leyrza · 5 years ago

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20:28 I’ve been thinking for the past hour already, I think? And it’s getting heavier and heavier by the minute. I accidentally lashed out to a friend, letting my anger speak rather than my usual calm and collected self. I feel horrible. Although it went unnoticed, I still feel horrible that I said something so rude and mean like that. And now the feeling just won’t leave. Some family members were video chatting about an hour ago. I was talking to my cousin. Everything was just normal, nothing too special. It happens everyday. Then my mom said something. “Go say hi to them.” I felt sick. I wanted to cry. Thoughts are running through my head, it’s a completely tangled mess. My heart felt so heavy just thinking about facing them and even worse, talking to them. Sounds mean? Yes, I guess. But it’s nothing compared to the trauma and self-hatred they left and imprinted in me. I’m turning 20 this year. Twenty. I’ve been alive for almost two decades now. Two fucking decades. And a quarter of it was filled with nothing but insecurity. I don’t know where it started. All I know is as soon as I got consciousness and started understanding things and words, I’ve always been fat-shamed. I remember being three or four years old in kindergarten and being called fat by my classmates and my family.

I was 4 years old. All I knew was to eat, play, go to school, sleep, have fun. Like what a normal four-year-old should be doing. And the one family member suddenly called me fat. They told me I’m fat, and I’m too big for my age and I should lose weight. That I should diet to lose weight and stop being fat. A four-year-old. I was taught that being fat is bad. That I should not be fat and just be thin like what normal people should be. I was very sad that time, because I feel like a different person. Why am I fat? Why am I like everybody else? Why do I wear large clothes while my friends wear size small?

I was 4 years old. All I knew was to eat, play, go to school, sleep, have fun. Like what a normal four-year-old should be doing.

And the one family member suddenly called me fat. They told me I’m fat, and I’m too big for my age and I should lose weight. That I should diet to lose weight and stop being fat.

A four-year-old.

I was taught that being fat is bad. That I should not be fat and just be thin like what normal people should be. I was very sad that time, because I feel like a different person. Why am I fat? Why am I like everybody else? Why do I wear large clothes while my friends wear size small?

I was four years old. And my thoughts were infiltrated by such negative thoughts.

Being in elementary school, I was always bullied. Why? Because I’m fat. Whenever I join games with my classmates, I always lose because my body is not as flexible as them. I can’t jump as high as them. When I jump, they make fun that there’s an earthquake because of how heavy I am.

I started excluding myself in their games. I prefer just watching them, seeing them jump high and have fun, laugh at themselves and enjoy the game. I was envious of them. They’re very light and can jump so easily in the air. I can’t do that. I was too heavy to do that.

Even at home, it never stops. I was always made fun of at how big my arms and thighs are. I’m always teased that I’m always in the kitchen that’s why I’ve gotten this fat. I stopped eating snacks in hopes that I’ll lose weight.

Fifth grade. One of my worst years ever.

I tried to kill myself.

My mom was working in Singapore, my dad is studying to be a teacher, my brother started kindergarten. I was left with just my grandparents who also have their own lives to leave.

My parents were still fighting everyday. My dad told me that starting that day, I’ll be the one responsible for getting the money from my mom and not him anymore. I broke down in front of him, words couldn’t find its way to my mouth.

I remember our English requiring us to write in our daily diary to keep track of our life. I just bullshitted my entries there, saying I’m happy, everything’s fine, Miles is very normal :D

I love collecting notebooks. And each notebook there was at least one written goodbye letter in it. It became a habit. I write suicide letter whenever I could. I could die any day, and I want to leave a letter.

I found them again recently. I was nine years old and my letters were full of anger. Full of spite, full of hatred, full of bitterness. I was nine years old. Thinking about it now, how fucked up was I that I started writing suicide letters full of hatred at the age of 9?

It was horrible, and I kept thinking everyday that it will be the last day I’ll live. It was too tempting to jump off our building from the fourth floor, imagining my bones crack at the contact with the concrete floor. Thinking of how my blood gets splattered on the floor as I twitch in pain and take my last breath.

Thinking about it was satisfying to me.

Seventh grade came and I grew up. I grew taller and lost some weight. Still, I was bullied and kept thinking how fat I am.

It was a horrible year too. I felt so excluded from our class, I was still being shitted at home like it usually does. I think I forgot what happiness was during this time.

I have really few friends. And this one friend influenced me the most.

I saw scars on her wrist. I was confused. How can someone get scars that many? So I asked her, genuinely curious. What happened to her? I was concerned, of course.

She told me she was cutting. She wasn’t clear why but it’s understandable. It must’ve been too personal. I asked her how it felt and why she kept doing it. She said it feels nice and it makes her feel alive. She loves the feeling of cold blade slitting through her wrists, she loves the way the blood comes out of her cuts. I was confused why.

Then one day, we had to go to her house to do a project. We finished it early and so we watched a movie and still, we have a lot of time left. Suddenly, she closed the door of her room and smiled at us.

“I’m gonna show you how I do my cuts.”

I was very curious. My other friend and I couldn’t say anymore since she already had the blade in her hands. She showed it to us closely, showed us how she pushed it against her skin, how the blood started coming out, and then she sliced it open.

She did more of it, my friend and I just watched. We were all young and we didn’t know it was bad. I didn’t think of stopping her, we didn’t do anything about it but watch. Watched as she smiles while harming herself.

It got to me soon. I was curious. I kept thinking how did it feel good when you hurt yourself? How do you feel alive by hurting and leaving a mark on yourself that you know will never leave?

I went to the nearest store with a twenty-peso bill in hand. I asked for a blade. They gave me one and I paid for it. I hid it from my grandparents as I went up the stairs and into my room.

I stared at it for a long time, playing with it in my hands. Twirling it around, feeling the sharpness against my fingers. It was really sharp and it already gave a small cut on my skin.

Slowly, I sank the blade into my wrists. It felt good. I smiled. Now I understand why my friend liked it. The pain felt good. Physical pain felt better than the mental and emotional torture I carry everyday. The physical pain made me happy.

It was so fucked up. I got addicted to it. I carved “FAT” on my arm since that’s what I was anyway. Everyday, I kept looking at the freshly-carved scar on my arm to remind me what I am. What I really am.

Fat.

It went on until I’m in 8th, 9th, 10th grade. Everyday I would have fresh cuts in my wrist and arm. It was hard to stop when the pain was addicting. But I kept track of myself. I really wanted to be clean already.

Looking back at my 9th grade photos, I kept thinking this waa the healthiest I’ve been. My body was just right because I lost weight. But it was also the worst year of my mental health.

My old habits were back. I write suicide letters everyday, I kept on wanting to kill myself, I do more and deeper cuts than I usually do.

Still, I kept thinking I was fat and I should lose more weight. I was 55 kilograms, and my goal was to be 35 kilograms. I was 15 years old.

I wanted to die everyday. I loathe myself, I hate seeing myself, I kept thinking how I wasn’t good enough in anything. I’m a huge failure, I’m the most stupid in the family, and I’m the most worthless of them all.

My senior years in high school might be the healthiest years of my mental health. I was happy, I was doing good in school, I stopped cutting myself. There’s still the insecurity, of course, but it was milder than it usually is.

I still think I’m fat. The thought never went away. But during this time, I didnt care.

The last two years of me as a teen was probably the worst and the most exhausting yet.

My suicidal thoughts were back. I feel pressure everyday to the point where I don’t want to do anything anymore. I’m more scared to do things now than before. I’m scared of trying because I’m scared of failing. I’m fucking scared of living my life.

Not a single day passed where I never thought of killing myself. Just the mere thought of me dying was enough to comfort me. To take my last breath, my last grip, my last everything. I love thinking of it.

And yes, I’m still fat. And I’m more insecure now than I ever was.

This summer was the worst of it all, on top of all the gruel things happening in the world. Every single fucking day, I hear a comment about my weight, about my appearance, about how I should lose weight.

I’ve come to the point now where I eat once a day, sometimes nothing at all just to lose weight. Even when I do eat, I try to get it out of my system as fast as I could. I feel guilty for eating that I have to get it out immediately.

Still, I get called fat and was always told to lose weight.

Sometimes I just want to cry in front of them. Tell them this, tell them that I’m really fucking trying. But I know they wouldn’t understand. No one does.

I lost energy to do anything now. I hate writing, I hate making videos, I hate everything that I do. Whenever I do something, there’s a voice inside my head telling me to stop it because I’m ruining everything. Stop because I’m no use. Stop because I’m gonna fail anyway.

I’ve planned to go see a therapist multiple times already but it was too expensive. I don’t want to tell my parents because they wouldn’t understand. They would just say it will be a waste of money, that it’s all in my head and that I’m ungrateful for not being happy when I have all that I want.

It’s hard battling with my own mind everyday. It’s very tiring and I wish it would just stop. I want to rest. I want to rest forever. I want it all to stop.

When I was a kid, I’ve always thought I’d never reach the age 20. Maybe I was right though. I still got a few months left to make it true.

All these thoughts were gathered by a single non-harmful sentence: “Go say hi to them.”

Say hi to them and fat? Hear their comments about my weight, my ugly face, and make me feel insecure? Say hi to them and let them pick on me and push me down even farther that I won’t be able to get up.

Until now that I’m typing this, I can hear their voices making rude comments about me. Insulting me. Badmouthing me.

And then they wonder why I lock myself in my room during family gatherings :)

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christophersymes · 5 years ago

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Celebrity Status

Celebrity Status, an ongoing L(G)B(T)+ story also on Wattpad and Quotev.

<– Previous / Next –>

Chapter Four

A month later, Jules had been down for a while. His depression was in full swing, with a baseball bat full of nails, directly in his face. He'd hardly even made it to class that day, let alone online, and hadn't even gone to work yet and felt like crying. It was taking a lot to do anything, and he felt awful because he wanted to talk to Not-Elías so bad, but couldn't think of words to say aside from

good afternoon

. And he'd hardly spoken yesterday or the day before either. He hated it.

Mason had been hearing less and less from Jules the past few days, even though he'd been sending an embarrassing amount of messages. Jules did message back most times, but when she did she was curt and sounded... off.

masonfucker1000: jules

masonfucker1000: hope ur days going okay

masonfucker1000: hey what if humans were like bees and we had smth like a fucking stinger and if we killed someone w it we died and it was the only legal way to murder

masonfucker1000: i was hanging out w some friends and we ended up playing nerf guns and i somehow got a foam bullet down my pants

familyjules: ah, the only other thing you've ever gotten down ur pants.

masonfucker1000: hey are you okay? im kinda getting worried

masonfucker1000: if someone else threw a salad at you ill kick em

familyjules: afternoon, not-elías.

masonfucker1000: afternoon!! FINALLY!! juliet hath emerged! hey what's been going on???

♦️

Juliet.

He called him Juliet.

Jules froze, staring at the message, feeling tears pricking at his eyes. He hadn't told him, no, but still... He was Jules. Jullian. Anything except Juliet.

He stared at it, then grumbled to himself. "Juliet. Not. Fucking. Juliet." He got out of the truck and slammed the door, angry now that he even had to go to work. He stood by his truck, still staring at the message, then accidentally threw his phone on the concrete in the parking lot and stomped on it.

Then he realized what he'd done. Fuck. "Fuck, fuck, fuck. God damn it! Whatever." He picked up the pieces and pocketed the SIM card, telling himself he'd just buy a new one tonight after work and ship it to his house. He was enough of a dumbass already.

He tossed them in the dumpster as he went inside.

Mason frowned when there was no reply. An hour passed, even. Nothing.

A day.

masonfucker1000: jules? are you okay?

Jules was still upset, and still had no fucking phone.

Two days.

masonfucker1000: jules, please if i did something just talk to me

And a day after that, he was still upset, but at least he had a phone.

Three. Jules had never gone three days without at least a half-assed two word message.

Whenever he was home, he just stared at the message, fuming. Not-Elías had called him Juliet. He had to know him somehow, then, and by his deadname.

On the third day, the anger got bad enough he ended up messaging.

familyjules: how the fuck do you know my name and why are you doing this

Mason had been having lunch with the band when he got the message. He dropped his slice of pizza, mouth still open in shock. His eyes widened, and he excused himself, muttering under his breath that he'd be right back.

masonfucker1000: shit dude, what? juliet?

masonfucker1000: I just sort of guessed that's what it was short for

masonfucker1000: what do you mean???

Jules scoffed, opening Rabbit as fast as he could and sending Not-Elías a link.

As soon as he entered the room, Jules glared at the camera.

"My goddamn name is not Juliet, so stop calling me that. I don't know who the fuck you are, but you must know me and want to get to me now for some reason, so just... fucking stop being a dick—"

Mason gaped at Jules as she immediately started yelling and threatening at him. Jesus fuck.

"—and tell me the truth before I have to figure it out myself and beat your fucking ass. I'm not in the goddamn mood to be led on some goose chase and deal with bigots like you or deal with people who hold some stupid grudge against me. Leave me alone if that's the fucking case, or I will figure shit out and do something."

Not-Elias: jules geez

Not-Elias: holy shit

Not-Elias: i dont understand why youre so angry but im sorry if i pissed you off okay?

Not-Elias: i wont call u that anymore

Not-Elias: message me when you've calmed down

Not-Elias left the room.

Jules was still angry when he left the room. He ended up closing it too, only to reopen it later that night, as well as the fansite. He private messaged Not-Elías a link, promising in some garbled text not to yell again.

familyjules: rabb.it/familyjules pls cone ib i promize not to yellll i midd u

familyjules: misa u

Mason had been thinking about.... whatever that had been with Jules. She'd called him a bigot and talked about grudges. And Juliet was a definite no. He had a theory he was a bit too freaked to think much on. He frowned when he got a just barely comprehensible message. God, was Jules crying or something? He immediately clicked the link.

Jules was leaning back in the chair, pouring himself a shot from the bottle of vodka, singing a Nosam song along with the YouTube video. "Not-Elías!" he exclaimed, speech a little slurred, grinning. He leaned forward too fast and spilled half the shot on his shirt. "Whoops."

He downed the rest to prevent more spillage and then took a sip of Coke. "Hi, I wanted to say I'm sorry for earlier and yelling at you because it's obvious you're not anyone from high school because you're good unlike them. They couldn't even fake it. And I wanted to explain— I'm trans and I was bullied, and I miss you a lot but I've been sad a lot lately and it's cold and cold is triggering and I'm gonna drink more now." He poured himself another shot.

Mason's eyes widened in surprise at the state Jules was in. And then he was concerned. Very concerned.

Not-Elias: is that vodka?

Not-Elias: careful!

And then he froze as Jules spoke. Trans.

Fuck. So, okay. Mason didn't know himself that well after all. That's fine. It was okay. He tried to convince himself of that even if he felt a little nauseous and increasingly out of control.

He'd been such a dick when he was younger. Defensive, reckless, disrespectful, not caring about anyone else and keeping emotions bottled in. He had pretended to be confident, created a version of himself for everyone else and believed it. And once he'd been called out by so many, by Chris, he'd realized what he'd turned into: this sexist, queer-phobic prick, like a jock straight out of a movie.

He worked so hard to figure out why and relearn how he thought about things, about people, thinking about things he said to make sure he wasn't hurting anybody. He spent so much time learning himself inside and out. Actually starting to like himself for once, no more surprises. And even if his chest was aching and he couldn't breathe from hearing Jules say that, he knew he liked Jules a lot. He knew he had to deal with it.

He wasn't straight.

But he didn't know what to think— his own secrecy had been different— but— of course they weren't dating, and online— and Mason couldn't possibly pretend he knew what being trans was like. Whatever reason Jules had had for not telling him was probably a good one, even though it hurt. Mason realized he hadn't responded, and frankly didn't know how.

Not-Elias: okay

Not-Elias: youve def been drinking too much

Not-Elias: jules

Not-Elias: why didnt you tell me?

Mason paused, biting his lip. He didn't want to sound mad, but he was kind of upset. And he deserved to know why, didn't he?

Jules knocked back the shot, then leaned forward to read his messages. "I said I was bullied... They did some online too and I'm super scared about the fansite being a lot of people who could gang up on me sometimes—" Jules's lip trembled a little and he shook his head and touok a deep breath. No crying in front of Not-Elías.

"I was scared when I started thinking more and liking you, 'cause you were new and different and I was having fun talking to you, but you said you were cis and straight and it was actually real hard to even tell you I'm bi. And it's okay if you don't like me now cause you're straight and I'm a dude, I understand that."

Mason frowned at how Jules looked close to tears, instantly angry at everyone who'd hurt her— who'd hurt him.

His stomach turned as he thought about all the times he misgendered him. Oh God, he suddenly felt really sick. All of those shes and hers crawling up his throat.

Not-Elias: oh jules

Not-Elias: no i

Not-Elias: i like you

He bit his lip. Get over it, Mason.

Not-Elias: i guess i'm just gay. go figure

Jules wiped at his face with his shirt, then remembered there was vodka all over it and pouted a little, staring down at it.

Whoa, there was a flash. Mason's breath caught. He definitely saw a nipple and— fuck. But, oh God, was Jules drunk.

Not-Elias: listen do me a favor, baby, no more shots, yeah?

Not-Elias: put the vodka away

Yes, it felt a little weird calling Jules baby for a moment, knowing he was a guy, but it still felt right. Mason was fucking gay.

Oh, poor Andrew. All alone.

Jules read the messages and wanted to cry even more. He felt so silly for hiding it for so long, especially if it was going like this. "Are you sure?" he asked, staring at the messages.

And then the few about the vodka came through and he pouted, though he was blushing a bit at being called baby again. "But I don't wanna. Tomorrow's my day off and drinking is fun!" He grabbed the bottle, cradling it against his chest. "'S like my baby."

Not-Elias: im sure

Not-Elias: a hundred percent

Not-Elias: even if youre a complete mess

Not-Elias: and you've drunk

Not-Elias: youre drunk

Not-Elias: too much more and youll be poisoned

Not-Elias: ill be your baby instead

Jules grinned, leaning forward. His leg was bouncing now. He set down the bottle. "All right," he said. "But you're my baby now. You gotta come hug me."

Not-Elias: nice okay thank you

Not-Elias: u should drink water if you can

Not-Elias: oh i want to. i will

Mason hated this, not being able to talk to Jules. Especially when he was in this state. He needed comfort, and Mason wanted to give it and— damn it, he wished he could just turn on his camera. Maybe he should. He seriously considered it and— no, not right now, when he was drunk.

Jules tuned into the music again and gasped, grinning. He sang along a little, nodding and getting up to get water like he was told, completely forgetting he was in just a tank top and underwear— not even boxers, just underwear. He came back still singing, then lifted the water so Not-Elías could see it. "Water."

Mason whined a bit as Jules stood up, looking away a second later, staring at the tour bus ceiling. Why did the world want to be so generous yet so cruel?

Not-Elias: and you said you're not a singer

Not-Elias: good! drink up!

Jules grinned, taking a drink and leaning back a little in his chair. "Oh—uh— is there anything you want to listen to? Or watch?"

Not-Elias: uhhhhhh

Not-Elias: spongebob?

Jules nodded, opening up Amazon Prime and attempting to search for it. He misspelled it a few times, but got it in the end. "Oh, this is the best episode," Jules said, grinning and hovering over the Bubble Bowl episode.

They watched one and a half episodes, during which Jules had moved from the chair to his bed, putting the laptop on the chair. Mason honestly wasn't paying all that much attention to Spongebob. Jules was so cute, his drunk commentary endearing.

At some point Mason realized Jules had fallen asleep. He smiled, eyes going soft.

He barely thought about it when he turned on the mic.

"Goodnight, Jules."

Jules, fast asleep, groaned a little. "G'night," he mumbled. "Lub you."

Mason's heart jumped to his throat.

"Jules? Are you awake?"

He blushed hard, cheeks hot. He probably wouldn't mention that part to Jules in the morning.

"Nuh uh," Jules hummed, pulling the blanket over himself better. "'m sleep."

Mason laughed lightly. "Really? Sleeptalker, huh? I'll let you sleep. Talk to you in the morning."

Mason had turned off his mic and hadn't even noticed he had fallen asleep.

"Mason? Why're you still on your computer? S' the middle of the night."

Mason jerked awake, blinking as he looked at Jules on-screen and then at Chris on the top bunk across, leaning over the bed and frowning at him sleepily.

Mason sighed, rubbing some sleep out of his eyes. "I think I'm gonna tell Jules," he said.

"What?" Austin grumbled from below Chris, turning and blinking wildly at Mason. His wavy hair was sticking up in all directions, like static or that kid from Meet The Robinsons.

"He said he's gonna tell Jules," Andrew growled from above Mason, grumpy from being woken up, but listening, blankets tugged tight over his otherwise naked body.

Chris supported his chin on his hand as he tried to get a better look at Mason's face. He was serious. "What changed finally?"

Mason sighed, panic returning as his brain turned the lights back on and told him he was supposed to be freaking out. "It keeps getting harder. And we didn't talk for a bit and— last night— tonight he— he's trans. And he was drunk— "

"Wait— "

"Did you say— "

Mason groaned, dropping his face into his pillow. "Don't--"

Andrew wheezed from above him. "Fuck."

"You're— "

"I get to say it! You dumbasses got to come out," Mason whined as he sat up. "I'm not straight. Probably, uh, pan."

Austin started laughing sleepily as he leaned up on his elbow to properly make fun of Mason.

"I saw it coming," Andrew mumbled. "But fuck you."

Chris bit his lip worriedly. "Okay, but remember when that one fan gave out your number and address even though the address was fake, but you had to change your number and— "

Mason sighed loudly. "Yes, I remember."

And he did remember. He'd thought about it quite a bit, all the worst case scenarios. Jules being pissed off at being royally catfished and outting him to the world in the worst way possible, or Jules being way too happy and outting him and not really caring about him, or Jules just completely cutting him off in shock and outrage. Mason shook the thoughts away. "Jules isn't like that. I just— I want her— him to know, I'm sick of lying."

Austin shrugged. "Okay. Your choice, man. Go for it."

Andrew hummed in agreement, giving the idea a thumbs up that Mason didn't even see, already falling asleep again. Chris sighed and smiled, "I'm sure you're right. You're a good judge of character."

Mason smiled, "Thanks."

In the morning, Jules woke up to find he'd fallen asleep on Rabbit with Not-Elias. He smiled, nuzzling his face against the pillow. He was so cute. So good. He remembered getting drunk and telling him everything, and he'd taken it in stride, just accepting...

He sighed, staring at the icon of Mason on the screen. He wished he knew him. This was just making him want to date him more, though he knew his own rules and didn't want to break them. It felt kinda shitty to feel like that, though, especially since Jules wanted to just... live, really, but it felt like there was always something holding him back. He wiped at his eyes, realizing he was crying a little. God, he was so pathetic.

Mason woke up again to see that Jules was awake. He smiled, then noticed he seemed kinda sad. Mason got up, washing his face and brushing his teeth, looking at himself in the mirror for a moment. Well, he looked as good as he usually did, he guessed. He guessed? Fuck. He was nervous. He groaned and put on a hoodie, yawning as he walked past the bunks and sat down, putting his earphones in.

Not-Elias: good morning! how're you feeling?

Jules jumped a little at the message tone, wiping his eyes again to make sure any trace of tears was gone. He disguised it as sleepy rubbing his eyes and smiled. "Morning, Not-Elias. I feel..." Jules considered telling the truth, laying on his back and staring at the ceiling. He settled on one thing. "Hungover. Kinda tired. My head hurts a little. How are you feeling?"

Not-Elias: a little flipped upside down, honestly

Not-Elias: but uh, overall, pretty good

Not-Elias: okay, actually im a little nervous

Not-Elias: hey

Not-Elias: do u know what would be cool

Not-Elias: u should play me some bass

Jules smiled. "I'm glad you're feeling okay, though. I mean— What happened is... a lot, probably. If you need to talk, I'm here. And you really want to hear me play right now? I— uh— okay." He leaned over, picking up his bass from the stand by his bed.

"I wonder if I can play it laying down." He plucked a few strings, then shifted his hands to play it. He laughed a little. "I guess I can... God, you have no idea how many times I've dropped this thing. I'm shocked it still plays." He lifted it up, grinning.

Mason smiled, watching him fondly as he grabbed the bass and played around with it, rambling and laughing. What was he even going to say? 'Hi, I'm not Elias, I'm Not-Elias, with a dash' or 'I'm Not-Elias, AKA Mason Hill AKA masonfucker1000 AKA an asshole?' or even 'Hey, it's Mason, please don't be mad at me or post about this?'.

God, everything he could think of was woefully lame. It was like his nerves had turned him into Chris.

"There's actually a really bad scratch somewhere on here, I think it's on the back... I dropped it when I first got it because my parents told me some shit, I don't even remember what, but it scared me. Oh— oh, I think it was when my grandpa died. They told me and I just... dropped it. It's funny now, because like... y'know, that was my grandpa, but— "

Mason couldn't take it any longer. He moved the mouse, cursor hovering over the camera icon. It seemed easier to do it when Jules was occupied, it made Mason less nervous than when he was looking at the screen. He turned his mic on first, then his camera, smiling. "Uh, hey," he said softly to get his attention. Hey wasn't exactly what he had wanted to say first, but fuck it. His heart was thumping in his ears.

#writeblr #writers on tumblr #lgbt stories #trans stories #lgbt writers #celebritystatus

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jupiterisagirl-blog · 7 years ago

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Un named: i wrote this out of pure boredom and depression please tell me what you think!

It was a warm spring day, the birds were singing frolicking in the sky. The traffic was loud like heards of elephants trampling across the desert. In a small hospital room a woman laid in the white bed, tubes and cords connecting to her like she was a battery powering the big pharmaceutical companies to "cure" her of her ailments. At her side was her daughter, she held her hand tightly humming the tune of her mothers favorite song. She smiled closing her eyes imagining she was front row looking up at her beautiful daughter singing 'Hoy Quiero Confesar' by. Isabel pantoja. The words sliding off of her tonge rolling into the air absorbed by the ears of the calm and emotional crowd. "Its time to eat mrs. Garcia" the words broke through her splendid day dream disintegrating it into the depths of her brain. "Sorry i didnt mean to bother you. We just follow the schedule." The tall nurse said as she laid the tray down on mrs. Garcias lap then left the room closing the door slowly behind her. "Want me to go get you some real food mamá?" Her daughter said knowing her mother well enough to know she hated the hospital food. "It would be sweet of you mija." She reached into her purse fishing for money she prayed she had. "Dont worry mamá i have it." She kissed her mothers head and pulled the hood of her jacket over hers, leaving the room. She walked down the hallway the smell of medical equipment and disinfectant swirled around in the air like a thick translucent fog. She felt as if every step she took more and more people laid their sharp eyes right on her she picked up her pase almost as if she was scared, only because she truly was the anxiety of people around her made her head buzz and her skin crawl her stomach churned feeling as if she would explode at any moment. She reached the door quickly escaping out, the harsh sunlight hit her light gray jacket she felt it through the thin fabric heating up her skin like a small plug in heater. While she made her way to the main sidewalk she put her headphones in one at a time not taking her eyes off of her feet as if she had done it a million times. Down the street was the small latin café that her mother dearly enjoyed. The road was almost like a video game to her everyone could be an enemy she thought as she never looked at one person. She would get lost into the music her hands in the pockets of her jacket the rhythm filled her ears swirling around her brain masking every negative thought she was having it took her to a place of enjoyment she closed her eyes swaying her hips a little not realizing the boy infront of her, all of a sudden "CRASH" they were both on the ground covered in papers she was laying ontop of something she slowly opened her eyes and looked at what cushioned her fall, she was laying ontop of someones chest she then quickly got up trembling she reached down to see if this stranger was un harmed "i swear i didnt see you i-i was side tracked i am so sorry!.." she looked down at him and lifted the paper from his face she caught a glimps of pinks and blues looking at the paper it was one of the most beautiful intricate drawings she had ever seen. "Wow did you draw the-?" She suddenly stopped and looked down at him he was stocky and pretty scruffy he was darker than her but not much taller he wore a blue jersey and some black jeans. He was the most beautiful man she had ever encountered. He looked back up at her most of her body covered by a baggy jscket and jogger pants. "Yesh i did draw these." He said as he had been trying to pick them all up. "Sorry i shouldve watched where i was going." He chuckled showing his bottom snaggle tooth it was the cutest thing she had ever seen. She remained in awkward silence then handed him the paper and quickly sprinted off busting into the cafè. "Fuck that could've ended so terrible fuck fuck fuck." She muttered to herself then sat down at a table for a moment to gather herself. The hood of ger jacket fell down exposing her messy bun of very tight wavy almost black hair, her skin was very tan with an olive undertone, she had dark brown eyes and full lips. Her hand ran accros her jogger pocket to get her wallet but she didn't feel it in there she felt the other pocket not feeling it she started to panic all of a sudden the sunshine from the window was blocked, she looked up to see the handsome man she had crashed into moments earlier he had a slight grin holding her wallet. "I think this might be yours?... Carmen Rodríguez?" He said as he smiled looking at her id in the clear slot of the black wallet. Her face was flushed and she reached up for it. "Th-that's me...thank you for finding it i almost had a panic attack." She said and pushed a faint smile out. "Of course it was the least i could do for knocking into you." He put it in her hand. He had hairy arms and tattoos covering his hands clearly they went up into his sleeves. Her heart was fluttering she had never met someone so attractive before the feeling of bravery suddenly popped into her like someone filling a balloon then popping it. "Would you like to grab something to eat with me?" She asked hesitantly she was so scared he would say no. "Absolutely! I actually was on my way to eat anyways haha." He laughed and lit up like a fire. They both sat down and began to talk about everything and nothing she giggled and ate be did the same. He had revealed her name to him he was Christian pérez. "You were really born in puerto rico?" She asked with a fork in her hand. "Haha yeah i haven't been back to the island since i was 8 though. What about you little miss cubana hehe." She rolled her eyes and chuckled. "Ive actually never been to havana my abuelita said it wasnt a good place to go though. They are really in poverty its sad." He pushed a nervous chuckle. "Oh im sorry to hear that but hey can i get your number id love to do this again, if you would?" He said scooting forward getting his phone. The two exchanged numbers and left the café, as she walked into her mothers hospital room she smiled. "Mija you took forever i was worried." Her mother said looking up at her "im so sorry mamá. I kinda met a boy..." her mother jumped a little excitedly. "You did how did it go??" Her mother was full of questions all afternoon they talked. She kissed her mother goodnight and walked outside to go home. She had let her long hair down to breath a little as she smiled walking home. The breeze blew through the building and past her. She felt happy but she kept thinking about the secret she didn't tell him. A few weeks had passed and carmen was on her front step getting ready to play her music, she was wearing a pair of light blue torn short shorts with a black crop top with roses right on top of her small breasts. She was waiting for Christian sitting on the concrete railing she wasn't paying attention behind her all of a sudden two big arms wrapped around her waist and a scratchy short beard burried into her neck. "Im either being attacked by a big foot or my date has finally shown up." She giggled. "Why not both!" He kissed her cheek and she turned around and gave him a big hug. The two were going to his mothers house for dinner. They held hands as they walked along the sidewalk. "I hope she doesn't hate me." She said looking forward. "Why would she hate you?" He looked down at her. "I dont know i kinda look like a hooker." She giggled covering her mouth because she was insecure about her smile. "Id sure pay for you you." He smiled and kissed the top of her head. The two stopped at a big red door and he knocked. Moments later a older woman with short curly dark hair opened the door she had a red night gown on. "Mijo! Youre late!" She gave him a big hug and then looked at carmen. "And you must be carmen he did say you were beautiful he was very right!" The old woman chuckled and walked in her house as did the two could. The smell of home cooked food filled the small apartment and the table had been set. "You two pull up a chair and dig in carmen honey you look like you're wasting away." Carmen giggled and sat down scooping a big plate of rice. After everyone had eaten and got aquatinted Christian held Carmens hand showing him his old room she sat on the bed looking at all the anime posters. "Wow this sure is...something." She said as she looked around "yah im a nerd." he stood in front of her and she stood up he ran his hand along the side of her neck his fingers going into her kitchen area the black wavy hair was soft to the touch and felt like silk against his fingers she closed her eyes and felt his hand with hers they werent much bigger but hers were much softer. "Carmen youre the first girl ive ever technically dated and i dont know im truly falling for you." He said looking into her eyes his eyes were brown and the other a hazel color she got lost in them on multiple occasions. He slowly leaned in to kiss her feeling her soft rose petal like lips against his, she slid her hands up his chest and wrapped them around his neck and kissed back. Suddenly they fell onto his childhood bed and rolled over to where she was ontop. Her hair kept falling into his face so he held it up for her. He slowly felt his hand up to her chest grabbing at one of her breasts, her heart began to pound faster in her chest she slowly lifted her shirt off exposing her small breasts. She was embarrassed at the size and shape but all he coukd think about was how beautiful she was he reached up and kissed the top of her breast making his way up to her neck leaving a trail of blue-green bruises he slowly reached into her pants she was so caught up in the moment of feeling like a normal girl she forgot about her little secret. His finger tips felt a slender sausage like appendage be reached his hand back and she realized what happened. "Chris..i-i can explain." He stood up and looked at her and started removing his shirt. She was confused as he lifted uo the black shirt he revealed a binder covering his chest. She was astonished and jumped up into his arms she held him tightly and kissed him deeply she felt relieved and free like a bathtub of water was drained and let off of her. "I never knew babe.." she said as she looked in his eyes "that makes two of us hehe." He giggled and kissed her again.

#trans couple #trans story #trans woman #trans man #trans love #love story #lgbtq love story #lgbtq

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sally-annesstories · 5 years ago

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Day 52 - Xela - Xecam - Alaska - Pacural - Antigua Santa Catarina Ixtahuacan, Guatemala

Trek day one !

1. Definitely woke up questioning my life decisions given my first ever hike with a pack with be 46km long. I don't think I've ever walked that distance, let alone at higher altitudes. Bags were good to get together and when I first woke there were lots of cars available on uber. Unfortunately they all disappeared by 5.50am when I went to book and no one selected my ride! A mad scramble to get two 50L packs on me (front and back) and I was madly walking to Quetzaltrekkers. Pavements aren't the same quality as home and in this scramble I overextended my weak ankle so I had to slow my pace as slow and steady wins the race. Ultimately I was only 5 minutes late so quickly sat down to eat breakfast with everyone.

2. Post breakfast it was a walk and a chicken bus to the commencement of the trek. There is one american on the tour and I knew chicken bushes were retired american school busses. Maybe a bit of ignorance on my end but I was told the reason they are retired is because they failed inspections. Not the greatest news when you're up the steepest dirt road you've ever been on. Especially when the driver also decides to reverse up! Luckily made it to our starting point safe and sound.

3. The hike! It was damn tough. As far as I'm aware I've never really been at a high altitude and this day we hit the highest point on the trek (3050m), starting from approximately 2300m. My pack has proven to be very comfy and so I was happy with this. My sneakers maybe aren't the best for a tramp with my ankle but they'll do. I don't know if it was fitness or altitude but I think maybe more altitude, I really battled on the up hills. I want puffed in the same way as if I overexerted myself on a run but I'd really battle for air. I often ended up on my own in these bits, not fast enough to be at the front but certainly not the slowest. It was good as when battling I didnt really want to be social. I didn't feel unsafe or anything, I just knew I needed to go at my pace and pausing for breathing. The walk could be really tight going down and around (less so on the ups). Maybe 20cm wide path just kinda dirt dug with rocks. I had to be so careful not to slip as my ankle was not happy! The title of this post shows where we went. There was a large portion of walking time in the cloud forest which was trees and clouds forever.

4. At about 1pm we stopped for lunch. Who would've thought in the middle of the forest I'd have my greatest meal in 7 days ! Tostadas, vegetables, frijoles, salsa,guacamole. It was heaven. After walking so long we were all keen to chow down going back for seconds and even some thirds! After lunch a lot of the trek was down but not all of it. The final part to Santa Catarina was very much up hill. It was here I saw the river of rubbish. They just dot have same infrastructure as at home so it looks like the waste this community creates just gets dumped and over a long time its rolled down the hill. Very sad.

5. Made it! On arrival it was so nice to sit and chill and stretch out. We were all very sore. Lunch leftovers were our snacks. More guac! Although to be honest I just was not hungry. Maybe because while drinking 3L of water in elected not to use the bathrooms available on route (the trees) instead waiting till we arrived to a flushing loo. This might've been a questionable idea as I didnt feel amazing. While there are no showers, we went in pairs to a mezcal (local sauna). It was so small you had to crawl in! But in there you could splash water on yourself which was great. So we took soap and cleaned off. It felt amazing for your muscles. Maybe not eyes and lungs given its a concrete room with a fire in the corner! Following this I said I was keen to wander the town for anyone who wanted to join. Alex (UK) and India (USA) were up for it. Town was tiny but we could hear music and see people at what looked like a party. Given it's a Saturday night we thought it was a disco so went down to see.it was not. It was a wedding (identified from the cake being carried in). We quickly realised the error in our ways and headed back to the hall we were sleeping in. The rest of the night we sat round spinning yarns with pasta for dinner. It was so nice to chill and speak English. At around 9pm everyone went to bed but if I slept at 9pm I'd be up at 3am so I went outside and looked up at the stars. Amazing in a place so isolated (likely less than 100 people in this town), the mom was so bright. There was traditional music playing, maybe from the wedding earlier.

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isaiahsky · 7 years ago

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Here's a true story of how two bestfriends, a boy from the East Coast, and a girl from the West Coast, ultimately ended their relationship, because one fell in love with the other. Enjoy. Her name is Lindsey. We met eachother years ago in Shreveport Louisiana. Every day we grew increasingly close to eachother, became bestfriends, and evetually shit got real and we started fooling around, assuming the title "Bestfriends (with benefits)". Details of how we moved to diferent sides of the map are irrelevant, thats a totally diferent story I can provide upon request. Lindsey and I remained very close ever since we separated, even on occasion flying to the other person's city for a visit. We'd book a hotel, toss up the DO NOT DISTURB sign, have incredible dirty sex all over the room, be as loud as we wanted, and let the unfortunate housekeeper worry about the mess when we went out drinking and shopping. We had always crushed on eachother, never at the same time, which is why we never dated. So instead of being frustrated about that predicament, we just fucked we got over it. Around April of 2017, to prevent things from becoming complicated, we came to a mutual agreement to just be friends, no more emotions, no more sex, just friends. It was hard at first, but after several sessions of masturbation a week, i managed to somewhat tame the sexual urges, and disarm the nuclear warhead of sexual frustration in my pants, AKA my penis. Long story short I dealt with the drought, but i digress. In August of 2017, Lindsey made plans to fly to Tampa to see her grandparents for 2 weeks. I lived in Destin at the time so it was 7 or 8 hours away from where I stayed. She asked me to take a few days off to go see her, and ofcourse I did. We were both in a budget, so we made agreed to be simple and made arrangements to just hang out in my hotel room, watch movies, have some drinks, snacks, and catch up, etc. So as planned, towards the end of her trip, I went down there and spent three days with her. Day one, I pick her up from her grandparents' house in the suburbs, take her to my place 10 minutes away, and show her my room. 5 minutes into the evening she decides to start groping me, leading me on, giving me signs that she wants me to fuck her like a rabbit on Methamphetamines. This presents a problem for me. We had a conversation prior to this little vacation about just being platonic, which she is obviously disregarding. What she failed to understand at that moment was, I had made every effort to move on, and get over any feelings I had for her. And I did so successfully. So when presented with hot familiar pussy that Id been craving months before, I was absolutely uninterested for that reason, but also for one more unobvious reason. Small, probably predictable plot twist, I met a girl in mid July named Kelly. Let me be clear, I tell Lindsey almost everything about my life. Everyone has their secrets, but ive always been honest with her. So prior to my trip to Tampa just to keep her informed, I told her about Kelly one day. "Hey, I met this girl, blah blah blah, I dont think it will go anywhere really but, I really like her." She was jealous initially ofcourse, it was to be expected, but we talked it all out and she handled it well and everything was great. Lets get back to the situation in Tampa to see her. Shes groping me and flriting, even straddles me, fishing for me to kiss her and initiate some sticky foreplay. Its slightly awkward for me, because im not very experienced in the rejection department when it comes to getting my dick wet. Im not the prettiest guy in the world, so when a cute girl throws herself at you, you better pull out the fucking catchers gear. I didnt know how to go by letting her down without hurting her feelings, so i just kind of avoided the subject of sex. So when she tried something i just kind of brushed it off and giggled, or joked about about something random. For the most part she caught on with the message, and it was fine at first. But from her behavior, and the more and more she tried to make advances, the more aparent it became that she was actually still interested in me for more than just sex. It doesnt make sense now, but day two I confirmed my theory when she started getting emotional. She randomly started crying and asking me why i wont touch her, or be sweet with her like I used to be. I explained that nothing was wrong with her, its just not what i wanted anymore. After trying to talk her down the entire day, my answers weren't good enough. She was convinced she was doing something wrong, she became really frustrated with herself, and at this moment i am completely unaware to how to help. Eventually I started getting annoyed. She began doing shit that kind of freaked me out. For brief example; we would be relaxing watching a movie, im trying to ignore the bad vibes and help her have some fun. Something funny in the movie would happen, id laugh, look at her to see if SHES laughing, and shed be staring at me with tears on her face trying not to cry. Multiple occassions this occurred. And its fucking awkward. Maybe I was being insensitive, I get it, shes sad, but we both spent money to be there together and i wanted to make the best of it. Fast forward to the 3rd and final day together. We day drink from the morning until maybe 7pm. The advances and emotions persist. The entire afternoon she was severely bipolar, which i expected this but its okay i just want to relax and be drunk. She cried and cried, and then the next few minutes shed be really happy again and dancing, whatever. The entire time I know whats really bothering me, but im too afraid to tell Lindsey how I feel right now. So i hold my tongue and pretend to be okay. I know she remembers i like Kelly, because she kept referencing her. Asking how she was doing, or shed crack jokes about her when i spoke of her. Classic jealousy, completely obvious. Fast forward to around 7 or 8pm of the evening together. We finish day drinking, somewhat sober up, and track down a Texas Roadhouse. We get to our table, order a drink or two, and have a casual conversation while reflecting on the past couple of days. We have an honest conversation about our feelings: "What are we?" "Can we ever truly just be friends?" "Let me tell you what I think." And overall just communicating as friends about the future, and how we can fix this shit hole situation. Finally we actually had a good time together, and it was mutual. It sank in that i was just not interested in her like I used to be, and that we would truly never be together. She still let out a few tears, but like a man i comforted, and we overall enjoyed our last meal together in the same state. Fast forward to the parking lot after dinner, where shit hits the fan. Its relatively empty. I go to the passenger side of my car, open the door for her so she can get in, but we are still engaged in our heart to heart conversation so we end up loitering for awhile. I light up a cigarette, lean back against the car, and she wraps her arms around my torso and just kind of rests there, head on my chest. Ive got one arm around her and one arm free smoking my cigarette. Boom, imagery. We stay like this for a long time as i chain smoke a few cigs, just talking, and finally the conversation somehow shifts to me denying her any sex/affection/intimacy, whatever. This time its okay because she is calm, shes being understanding with every potential controversal thing i have told her over dinner. I believe she can handle this converstaion. She asked me for total honesty, she could tell there was something i didnt want to say to her and it was important she knew what was diferent. She knows i like Kate, but im still a single man, so why am i being so distant with her physically, than i have been in the past. THIS IS WHERE I REALIZE THAT BLUNT HONESTY IS NOT OKAY WHEN ADDRESSING A JEALOUS GIRL WHO IS IN LOVE WITH YOU. I wasn't mean at all, i very calmly and respectively told her exactly what the reason was. I sighed deeply and said "I cant do anything with you, and ive been distant, because all i can think about is Kelly." This may be an outdated reference, but in maybe 1 second, she went from my sweet, calm, understanding bestfriend, to full blown going Jersey Shore on me. She started screaming at me, telling me that she cant believe this, etc etc. Telling me how every time she tried to move on and be with other people, she always felt guilty and cried because even though we werent together, she felt she was cheating on me. And here i am doing the same thing, but im thinking of Kelly, not her. So she put everything i ever did for her in question. Was it truly sincere? Did i ever really care about her? The whole fucking works. During all of this she is sitting on the concrete indian style just ranting relentlessly, and she procedes to get comfortable. I KNOW she plans to dig in for a decent duration because everything that was in her pockets, one by one she starts slamming it on the concrete around her, all in all making a statement to the world that says "fuck everyone and everything." Im a stubborn bastard, so from the time she started flipping out on me, to the time we finally get in the car and leave, like a man, i was still propped up against my car smoking, letting her lay into me with her insults, and ridiculous questions. All i did was stare straight ahead fed up. And I ignored her. She was pissed at me for the obvious reasons, i was pissed at her for freaking out, when all i wanted was to be honest with her. We are adults, let alone we werent even dating, id barely expect this reaction from a distraught girlfriend. But i get it, im the guy, i played with her emotions, now im getting burnt. We finally get in the car, maybe 11p, not once did i say a word to her throughout the whole car ride. At this point im ready to drop her ass back to her grandparents' house so i can check out half a day early from my hotel and drive back to west florida THAT NIGHT. Thats how pissed i am. Im still tipsy, exhausted, but the only thing i want to do is take an 8 hour trip back to my personal bed and sleep all day. But i cant take her to her grandparents' place, she still has some personal belonging in my room. We get back to the room, she climbs in my bed and pouts until she falls asleep. IN MY BED. So what do i do? Ofcourse I refuse to get in bed with her. So after 5 hours of debating on packing up all of her shit for her, waking her up, and taking her home, just like my entire highschool career, i sat at the desk, laid my head down on the table and went to sleep. Woke up that morning at 11, checked out at noon, took her home, still not one word was said to eachother by the way. The first and final words she said to me was "okay drive safe" no goodbye hug, no apologies from either sides, no attempt to fix the situation. She walked past me, i got in my car, backed out of her grandfathers driveway, we looked at eachother one last time, and i drove away. To this day, we still don't speak, the end of a relationship with a girl ive know for a fifth of my life. Love will make you do dumb shit for reasons you cant comprehend. But be careful when you go to tell people how you feel about them. It can really play with their heads and you can lose someone dear to you in the future because you dont know how to keep your mouth shut. Lindsey if you see this, im so sorry.

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tumblunni · 8 years ago

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Speaking of my dumb story ideas, I’ve been thinking some stuff to flesh out the Cathedral Game’s setting! RANDOM IDEAS AHOY LONG POST AHOY

* I’m thinking I need to make some concrete ideas for the villains maybe. When I first had the dream that inspired this all, it was just some sort of ambiguous ‘demon army’, kinda like a mindless zombie plague or i dunno, maybe the demons were sentient but they were all evil except for florin anyway? It was a more boring cliche kind of enemy than I usually write, with no moral grey area. Just an endless wave of foes that would justify the setting where everyone is stuck living inside a church and you have to defend it and try and turn it into a little town. And I guess if we had to have a 100% evil enemy with very little character development then it makes me less uncomfortable if theyre some sort of supernatural nonsentient plague instead of a bunch of people born evil. But then Florin existing as your sidekick was like the first part of the dream and it was never explained why he was the only non evil, completely sentient demon. Plus now I have a different zombie-themed story so mindless plagues would be samey. PLUS... welll... I need to stop being all ‘because I saw it in a dream it is somehow a cosmic message that it has to be in the story and can never be changed’. Kinda the point of being awake is that i can look at things more rationally and plug the ol plotholes, yo!

* So anyway, the idea I had was that it would... just simply be an actual army of actual villains with actual motivations and moral ambiguity. I was thinking maybe the setting could be like the perspective of civilians trapped in-between a civil war between two countries, just trying to survive and hoping that the promise of reincforcements coming to evacuate is actually true. The gamneplay of holding the fort and constantly gunning down enemies could be even more depressing when you know that not all of them are necessarily evil, they’re just soldiers doing their job. Maybe its ambiguous whether your country or their country shot first, maybe its like their country is suffering from some form of recession or illness or lack of resources and they’re only trying to conquer this other country because their families are dying at home? Maybe its some form of religious conflict, or maybe its even something with a very villainous dictator running the show but the people working underneath them are just normal citizens forcibly drafted into a war they dont believe in. There’s a whole pile of different possibilities for moral ambiguity, yo! Not sure yet which would work best, hmm...

* Might possibly be an opportunity to use a character I’ve been sitting on for a while but couldnt find a story that suited her. After I played Fe: Awakening I felt really uncomfortable about how the game treated Excellus as if he was hateable only because he was ugly and ambiguously gay/transgender. like.. he’s a horrible jerk of a villain yet the plot really overfocuses on insulting his appearance and gender rather than retaliating against the things he actually does. Made me feel sympathy for a jerk I never wanted to feel sympathy for! So I kinda ended up being inspired by the wasted potential and thinking up an idea for a similar character who actually IS sympathetic, and has the ambiguous LGBTQ aspect properly explored as a plotline. I think it could actually be powerfully sympathetic to see this villain who’s constantly degraded and misgendered by her teammates, and has a lot of reason to believe the worst of humanity. Someone who could switch sides if shown some basic decency by our heroes, maybe? And I felt it could be good if she did have a very similar personality to Excellus, just like a good version of it. She could still be a comic relief egotistical person, but not a murderous monster. And the ego could be like... sad, because she’s purposely trying to act unaffected and secure and like she loves herself, when really she’s being treated like shit and doesnt know if she deserves it or not. And I was thinking also possibly she could be a greedy merchant type character, like Anna? (also from Fe: Awakening) That could be the role she takes in the town once you recruit her, she could be a savvy businesswoman badass! Playing rune factory 4 makes me appreciate how cool a trader character can be, Arthur is so neato~! He talks about it like its the most amazing job ever, I just feel like it could be even cooler if we had that passion along with a more goofy greedy personality. Like ‘hahaha im only in it for the money’, but no, she really has this kinda cheesy cute reason why she does the job, she just really enjoys meeting new people and being able to change the world a little piece at a time. It reaffirms her faith in humanity after all she’s been through. (Tho also she’s still a total badass, since she was a former general of the villain country, after all!)

* Oh and I was thinking of a really tragic alternative route for her if you don’t recruit her. You could fight her multiple times throughout the game and then when you get to the final one and she realizes there’s no escape she suddenly drops the comic relief act and it gets really somber. I was thinking maybe she could have a mentor type character or a friend or a love interest or something? Or some other something she was trying to keep safe all along, some reason why she still had hope, some reason why she was fighting for an army she didnt believe in, just to save up enough money for... some sort of life goal? I dunno, maybe she has a sibling who’s in the hospital and she’s trying to save up for treatment, and then on the day of the final battle she gets a telegram hearing that they died and she wasnt even there to say goodbye. (And the death would somehow be directly caused by the player’s actions, thus determining whether you recruit her or not) So even though every time before she always flaked out like a coward with a comedic quip as soon as it looked like she was losing, now she just doesnt have anything else left to lose. This time she WILL NOT LET YOU redeem her, she will not let you SPARE her, she doesnt even speak a single word in the entire battle. Her difficulty spikes immensely in this fight to the death, and she only cracks a smile and gives a parting quip once you’ve dealt the final blow. And I was just imagining it could be EXTRA depressing combined with her plot of facing predjudice for being transgender! She’s spent most of this time being treated by the other commanders as ‘sir [name]’, gritting her teeth and bearing all this degredation, trying not to stand out too much. But in the end now nobody else is here to put her down, all those other ‘brave knights’ are the ones who ran away like cowards and left the ‘coward’ to take the last stand. And she doesnt care if she dies anymore. So she hangs up her armour for this fight and instead decides to go out in all her finery, wearing the dress she’s kept locked away in her trunk the whole time. Walking onto the battlefield like a bloody bride, and being one hell of a monster boss battle despite missing all of her platemail. A whirling dance of death! To go out smiling! To maybe make her family proud, and if she can meet them on the other side she could do it with the face she always wanted to wear.

* ....basically make it super depressing so you regret your actions and go back and see what the other option leads to. But also so badass that people wouldnt regret seeing the scene, yknow? And this might be the height of her character arc, kinda, but she’d be able to have whole new character arcs if you choose to recruit her. And you can make your own badass battles with her now! * Not sure tho whether maybe the family member/mentor/whoever might die either way though? That could fit the bittersweet found-family themes of the game, pretty much everybody’s someone who’s lost their biological relations and found new people to love in this new community. It could just be like... the choice between this person dying tragically and causing merchant-general-lady to commit suicide, or them passing away naturally due to their illness after saying goodbye to her, leading to her joining the heroes to try and prevent tragedies like this. * A possible other EVEN MORE tragic idea I had- an alternative where this person has already been dead for a long time before the start of the story, and the villain leader has been lying to merchant-general in order to keep her working as their minion. So the player choice would be like... you can reveal it to her and purposely send her into a suicidal spiral as an attempt to destabilize the enemy forces and win an important battle. Its a complete dick move, yes, but it could save the lives of all your family and friends! But then if you believe that this merchant-general is actually redeemable you could like... do the same thing but with different motives, in a different way. Reveal it in less of a sadistic, tactically-planned way, and more of a ‘no seriously this is why you cant trust your boss’ way. And she’d be likely to actually believe you if you’d been befriending her before now. * Or perhaps maybe her sibling died years ago and she heard about it but was unable to accept it, since it was her only reason to keep on going. Maybe she feels guilt that she was too busy making money to try and save them, and that meant she wasnt there to hold their hand when they passed away. So now she keeps on hoarding money for no purpose at all, except because this routine keeps her going. And she keeps writing letters to someone who’s already dead. * buuuut that might be too similar to Malachi’s plot, since he has memory problems regarding a tragic event in his past. Though it was his own death rather than a family member’s! ....actually I dunno, maybe a twist could be that he’s actually her lost sibling? That’d kinda be wrapping things up too coincidentally though. But on the other hand it could be an interesting plot to explore his relationship with his newly returned biological sibling, compared to the adoptive relationship he’s been developing with Florin. RIVALS FOR TINY BABBU’S LOVE! Buuuuuut I also liked the idea of Florin’s death being very far back in the timeline, and he’s been sleeping underneath those ruins for over a century. It could be cool to have him experiencing a lot of things for the first time, and to get a perspective on the past before the war...

* ALSO ANOTHER POTENTIAL CHARACTER IDEA * Another enemy recruit maybe! I seem to be going in twos, I made two demon characters and now two redeemy people XD The idea I had was that this could be just a random soldier that you keep as a prisoner, and have to decide whether to execute him or not. It can be hard to keep prisoners of war when you’re stuck in this seige situation and you barely even have enough food to keep your own teammates alive! Tensions could run high because you’re choosing to keep this guy alive when its making things worse for us all, plus we cant really trust him, seriously?? He surrendered but maybe its just a trap to infiltrate us! He claims a sob story of his country being forced to invade us because of famine, and being drafted against his will, but can we trust anything that comes from the mouth of one of those scum?? And then there’s the question of what exactly you’ll do with him if you think he cant be trusted! Are you able to execute him in cold blood? Do you set him free and hope this decision doesnt come back to bite you in the ass? Do you try and execute him while pretending you didnt- setting him loose in the forest to die of exposure or at the hands of his own former comrades...?? And its very annoying because the entire time he’s insistantly begging you to kill him, and generally being a huge downer! :P This is what convinces you to spare him, if you pick that option. It starts off as just ‘I’m gonna spite you, I won’t let you die if its what you want’, but eventually you realise he really never wanted to be part of this war, and he’s weighed down so much by his sins that his pleading for suicide was completely genuine. There’s no spy plots, he was just a simple farmer thrown into battle with nothing more than the clothes on his back and the sharpest pitchfork he could salvage from the wreckage of his old farm before it was torn down. The famine ruined his business and he had no way of surviving unless he sold his land to the army, to be bulldozed and turned into the site of a new weapons factory. And even after that he ended up forcibly drafted when things got even worse, losing what little livelihood he’d managed to scrape together again. He doesnt have a home to go back to, he just wanted to die on the battlefield, and by all odds he SHOULD HAVE! This is the condition of this latest round of ‘soldiers’, nobody even wastes armour on them, theyre just disposeable fodder to be mowed down as a distraction. What shitty luck, that he just happened to get captured by some bleeding-heart fools who refuse to chop his damn head off! So basically I’m imagining him like a Nanu-esque depressed grandpa who’s kinda sassy sometimes but also really really needs a hug. And like... model prisoner, to a comical degree. When he comes to terms with the fact he aint gonna get killed no matter how much he begs, he’s just like ‘dammit i cant help but help’. He’s just a normal good guy at heart, he’s not really on your side so to speak, he loved his country but he didnt agree with them wanting to wipe out your country either. he misses how his country used to be, and he doesnt know anything about your country or whether its any better, he doesnt have much hope. But when he’s stuck with nothing to do all day, he just cant help subconciously falling into kindly grandpa behaviours! Gotta clean up this cell! Hey, do you want some cookery tips, mr guard? Oh whoops, mr guard you dropped the cell keys, here have them back! Hey this bar over here has poor structural integrity, I tried to rope it back together with a braid of my own back hair! All the time he’s trying to trick you into agreeing to execute him, and being a total sycophant agreeing with everyone who says he’s evil. CMON IM TOTALLY EVIL, PLEASE STAB ME, I’LL BAKE YOU COOKIES! And then as time goes on he just becomes less of a prisoner and ends up making friends with everyone, winning the trust of even those who opposed him the most at the start. All entirely unwillingly! Agreeing with all their oppositions so hard that they stop opposing XD He ends up just pottering around doing odd jobs as a janitor/groundskeeper type guy, even ends up being the one in charge of keeping the keys to the jail he started off in. Somehow the most trustworthy man in the whole town, cos he’s the one person who will never say he’s trustworthy! His humble goodness just shines through~! And he could help out a lot cos he has inside info on the enemy army, and is able to give a sympathetic perspective of the everyday citizens’s life, and just how much dissent there is, how few people are willingly cooperating with the war and how they can find allies and destabilize this regime based entirely on fear instead of loyalty. He’s like a ray of hope that changes everyone’s perspective on this big seemingly-inpeneterable all-evil army! A grumpy suicidal ray of hope, who never shuts up about how hopeless it is! XD of course, eventually he’d be able to find new reason to live in this own, and make friends, and have hugs and joy~! But it’d be a hard journey! And a journey filled with a lot of ‘geez grandpa stop joking about suicide holy shit’ *disciplinary hugs* * Tho actually I dunno if a farmer would be a good career choice for him, I just picked it cos its the easiest to imagine him losing his livelihood in the war. His career in the town would be being this janitor kindly advice man/treasurer sort of guy, but i dunno... if he was a banker before then that makes him too similar to general lady :P ...maybe he was a janitor on someone else’s farm...? Honestly I would love an excuse to have a badass sympathetic janitor man and go on a bit of a small rant about how service work is very physically demanding and deserves a higher minimum wage yknow. RESPECT JANIGRAMP ... actually the name Jani is a good name his name is now jani it is law Jani the groundskeeper, because jani the janitor sounds dumb. SYNONYMS!

* Thinking of ideas for the fictional religion I’m gonna create for this world! Its more fun if we have a completely fictional set of traditions that’re just a general metaphor for topical questions about real life religion n stuff. And it would sidestep the problem of plots accidentally seeming like theyre ‘oh this one religion is evil and false’, when really the point i want to make is about how people of all religions are capable of perverting their faith’s peaceful teachings and using it as an excuse to wage wars. hell, athiests have done the same thing! ‘this religion is inherantly evil bwaaaah’ stuff IS athiests using their own beliefs as an excuse to hurt others. Thats the kind of athiest I never want to be! I completely respect religion and I think that we can never have an answer as to what’s true about creation or an afterlife, we can never know until we die. I don’t believe in heaven, but I dont think I have absolute proof it’s wrong, and I dont care about proving myself right or converting people. I feel inspired when I see people draw strength from their religion, even if I don’t believe in it! Lots of great things have been done in the name of different religions, just like lots of terrible things have. Human beings are great and terrible things, human beings make choices. This doesnt tar everyone with the same brush of whoever made the wrong decision, just because they believe in the same gods! ....man, sorry, I went off on a mini rant there. But yeah, what I hope to do is to have religion as a framing device and discuss some problems with certain so-called religious people, but also show the positive side of it via the protagonists. I mean, the whole point is that you’re living in a church, after all! The idea is that you’d hear a lot of horror stories of other people acting very ungodly in the name of god, both in the enemy army and in the hidden secrets of people in your own country’s government. But the goal is that you see all this hellish stuff and you still choose to be a bastion of what you believe is good and true, you learn from these mistakes and try and make the true sanctuary that everyone was seeking when they fell into the traps of those other monsters. And also I was thinking it;d be like the protagonist’s exploration of being agnostic, after her faith was shaken from her original church being destroyed in this war. She was the only survivor, maliciously left alive by [currently unnamed main villain rival guy], who wanted her to suffer the grief of knowing she’d failed her role as protector. But instead she travelled onwards and found this other church full of defenseless people that need a new guardian, and she is FUCKING DETERMINED to never fail again! It started as just seeking revenge against that evil overlord, but instead its become about protecting these new people and regaining her faith in humanity. And that doesnt necessarily mean regaining her faith, that’s up to the player. She has a journey of realizing that some things about her former church may have actually been corrupt, and that she was just blindly following instead of making her own decisions, She has her hero worship of her dead comrades dismantled, and has to come to her own conclusions about what’s right and wrong in the scriptures she’d learned, and what she’ll do as she goes forward. Its up to the player to decide whether she regains her faith or decides to become an athiest in the end, or even remains agnostic and decides she isnt able to find an answer yet, but either way she will still be forged into a true blue hero, no matter the reasons behind it! I wanna make all options an equally good ending, its just a personal choice that changes some scenes but not necessarily the course of the story.

* Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah! Religion ideas! I was considering possibly the legend could involve something about ‘an absent god’. The traditions say that humanity failed the creator long ago, and they left us behind because of it. The direction of all religion is based around this idea that we are inherantly born sinful, and have to do certain things in order to appease our ancestors’s sins and bring the gods back. I’m thinking it would be a good idea to create multiple sects of religion that’re variants on the same original holy text, that’s something that fictional religions dont tend to do for some reason. In this case it could be different perspectives on how exactly god dissappeared, and what exactly god saw as our sin, what on earth we have to do to make up for it. And I was thinking that the idea could be that god shattered into a million pieces that were scattered across the world. This leads to territory wars over places that’ve been determined to contain remains of god buried beneath the earth, and people invading indigenous civilizations in the name of holy tasks to dig for these relics. Power struggles over how many god burial grounds your country owns at any given time, controversy every time a digging operation fails to find a crystal. Pieces of god being used practically as currency, used to power magical weaponry in these wars... lies and deceit over fake godstones that no-one can prove you don’t own... * And this way even though magic does clearly exist in this world, it leaves it ambiguous whether religion is true, and whether any of the different sects is more accurate about the true will of god. It would seem reasonable that athiests exist here even when magic exists, thats usually a problem in fictional settings, you have gods right out here in the open yet some people still dont believe in them? XD It’d be like... yes maybe all these crystals that grant magical powers are actually fragments of an absent god. Maybe they grant those magical powers because of the reasons scripture tells us. Maybe if you bring them all together you can meet god and be granted one wish, maybe you could end the war. Buuuuuuuut.... maybe there’s just a natural crystal that grows underground and grants magical powers. Maybe nothing happens when you put it all together. Maybe it’s just like how people considered electricity to be unpredictable divine punishment before we learned how to harness it for ourselves.

* And there could be like... sects of the religion who believe god chose to leave us out of shame for our sinfulness, sects who believe a certain group of humans betrayed god and shattered them, thus holy war is justified against that country. Perhaps even sects that believe that god being shattered was a positive thing, that god chose to give fragments of their power to humans so they could choose their own destiny. (This is considered as scandalous as satan-worship in-universe) And there’s a related sect that believes that humans only even came into existance after the shattering event, that shattering into pieces was how god granted sentience and free will to the angelic servants we used to be. And this has permenantly corrupted us, thus the sin that we need to undo in order to retun god is... individuality, in all its forms. I think these are the ones who had the very extreme fanatical members who ran Malachi’s former church, and committed various atrocities including his murder. (Though, again, this doesnt mean that the viewpoint is inherantly evil. Just the people who took it from ‘tranquility, enlightenment and fealty to fellow man’ to ‘LITERALLY NO INDIVIDUALITY EVER’) ....hmmm, actually the morality system could be even more complex if I nail down a set of different factions of the religion and let you choose between all of them in the end. (or choosing none of them, or choosing your own interpretation) And there’d sorta be a fanatical/critical morality bar too, which determines whether you get the good or bad ending. In this case ‘critical’ would be the good option, I mean it more like... ‘I’ve analyzed everything about this scripture and come to my own conclusions, I won’t do anything immoral out of blind belief unless I actually have reasons to agree that it’s the right choice’. Aka how any normal good person decides on a religion to follow. And the fanatical side would be leaning towards never questioning. So sometimes you would have to like... take options that would seem like ‘the bad option’. Dont just blindly agree with everything that points to a particular faction viewpoint, that’ll lead to badness! Sometimes you have to question things, take it from the perspective of a character who is discovering their own faith, rather than a player who already knows from the beginning what option they want to pick.

* Man this has got complicated lol, I’m starting to ramble!

* Anyway, i was thinking this would explain what the ‘demons’ are, in this world. Normally humans can only use magic by using godstone as a power source, demon is a universal term for all creatures that are made of magic and can use it infinately as part of their very being. They’re considered unholy and must be destroyed, because they’re ‘imprisoning’ a shard of god inside them. And its really unfair because its a complete and utter random chance if someone becomes a demon when they die, you can live your entire life thinking you’re a normal human until the godstone in your heart activates and saves your life. Your life which is now ressurected in a monsterous form and can never return to your old family. The traditions say that it only happens to people who are sinful, thus they totally deserve to be slain, of course! Oh, and I think the main evil army guys would be using demons as weapons, which is part of why the anti-demon sentiment is like... even worse than usual in the protagonist’s country. Its incredibly depressing because demons are completely sentient, and the only way they become mindless battle monsters is if they’re tortured beyond breaking point. The same way you’d reduce a human to that state. But the protagonist starts off not even knowing that demons can talk until she meets Florin, she’s only ever seen these demonic ‘soldiers’ that’re really just whipped and beaten prisoners chained together and thrown towards the enemy in the hope both parties kill each other. “Yeah but why do so many demons ally with the empire?” *florin looks into the camera like he’s on the office* And I was thinking maybe a more positive religious interpretation of the existance of demons could be that they’re actually angels instead. (Yeah, even if this religion is very different its gonna probably have a lot of similarities to protestant christianity since that’s what I was raised in. i dont feel comfortable critcising someone else’s religion that I’m not personally experienced with, yknow?) ANYWAY SORRY FOR THAT ASIDE Yeah, there could be some very rare pro-demon religious folk who believe that those who are reborn after death are actually chosen ones rather than sinful. These fragments of god blessed certain people who were pure enough in heart to earn the power to be able to enact god’s love to the world. Because even though god is in pieces, god very much wants to forgive us. These magical beings are sent as god’s messengers to help guide us on the right path to redemption. That’s why they have such great powers of creation! (though others would say its destruction...) A single plant demon like Florin could watch over and sustain an entire forest, revive it from drought and become a cornerstone to build a whole city around! Though even this faction isnt 100% correct or incorruptable, there are those who’d interpret this as demons having a DUTY to do that. There are rogue members of this faction who enslave demons just as much as the people who use them as weapons. I was thinking a plot could be that Florin almost gets suckered in by a band of these guys, he’s just so overwhelmed to find anyone who doesnt hate demons! But they want to imprison him and force him to grow their crops forever until he dies of exhaustion, because that’ll mean he’s ~happily fullfilled his purpose and rejoined god~. I mean, if he says he doesnt want to, thats just so sad! That means this pure angel has been corrupted by humanity’s sin, he doesnt know what he’s saying! * man i have so many ideas aaaaa

#cathedral tower defense #sorry long post #i need to nail down a set amount of factions for the religious war and think up names for them and stuff #and like... countries #and which countries have how much of each faction #i think the main villain army would be like a totalitarian state where one religious faction is enforced by law #but for everyone else country doesnt equal faction #i think to make the scope of this thing small enough to fit with a mostly self-contained story in a single town...#it would be best to keep it to just two countries- enemy guys and the protagonists's country #maybe mention other countries in passing to add flavour tho #like 'we were supposed to get humanitarian aid from [place]'#and maybe the protagonist is new to this country actually? maybe her entire country was taken over by the villains rather than just hometown

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