leyrza

[leyrza]

20:28 I’ve been thinking for the past hour already, I think? And it’s getting heavier and heavier by the minute. I accidentally lashed out to a friend, letting my anger speak rather than my usual calm and collected self. I feel horrible. Although it went unnoticed, I still feel horrible that I said something so rude and mean like that. And now the feeling just won’t leave. Some family members were video chatting about an hour ago. I was talking to my cousin. Everything was just normal, nothing too special. It happens everyday. Then my mom said something. “Go say hi to them.” I felt sick. I wanted to cry. Thoughts are running through my head, it’s a completely tangled mess. My heart felt so heavy just thinking about facing them and even worse, talking to them. Sounds mean? Yes, I guess. But it’s nothing compared to the trauma and self-hatred they left and imprinted in me. I’m turning 20 this year. Twenty. I’ve been alive for almost two decades now. Two fucking decades. And a quarter of it was filled with nothing but insecurity. I don’t know where it started. All I know is as soon as I got consciousness and started understanding things and words, I’ve always been fat-shamed. I remember being three or four years old in kindergarten and being called fat by my classmates and my family.

I was 4 years old. All I knew was to eat, play, go to school, sleep, have fun. Like what a normal four-year-old should be doing. And the one family member suddenly called me fat. They told me I’m fat, and I’m too big for my age and I should lose weight. That I should diet to lose weight and stop being fat. A four-year-old. I was taught that being fat is bad. That I should not be fat and just be thin like what normal people should be. I was very sad that time, because I feel like a different person. Why am I fat? Why am I like everybody else? Why do I wear large clothes while my friends wear size small?

I was 4 years old. All I knew was to eat, play, go to school, sleep, have fun. Like what a normal four-year-old should be doing.

And the one family member suddenly called me fat. They told me I’m fat, and I’m too big for my age and I should lose weight. That I should diet to lose weight and stop being fat.

A four-year-old.

I was taught that being fat is bad. That I should not be fat and just be thin like what normal people should be. I was very sad that time, because I feel like a different person. Why am I fat? Why am I like everybody else? Why do I wear large clothes while my friends wear size small?

I was four years old. And my thoughts were infiltrated by such negative thoughts.

Being in elementary school, I was always bullied. Why? Because I’m fat. Whenever I join games with my classmates, I always lose because my body is not as flexible as them. I can’t jump as high as them. When I jump, they make fun that there’s an earthquake because of how heavy I am.

I started excluding myself in their games. I prefer just watching them, seeing them jump high and have fun, laugh at themselves and enjoy the game. I was envious of them. They’re very light and can jump so easily in the air. I can’t do that. I was too heavy to do that.

Even at home, it never stops. I was always made fun of at how big my arms and thighs are. I’m always teased that I’m always in the kitchen that’s why I’ve gotten this fat. I stopped eating snacks in hopes that I’ll lose weight.

Fifth grade. One of my worst years ever.

I tried to kill myself.

My mom was working in Singapore, my dad is studying to be a teacher, my brother started kindergarten. I was left with just my grandparents who also have their own lives to leave.

My parents were still fighting everyday. My dad told me that starting that day, I’ll be the one responsible for getting the money from my mom and not him anymore. I broke down in front of him, words couldn’t find its way to my mouth.

I remember our English requiring us to write in our daily diary to keep track of our life. I just bullshitted my entries there, saying I’m happy, everything’s fine, Miles is very normal :D

I love collecting notebooks. And each notebook there was at least one written goodbye letter in it. It became a habit. I write suicide letter whenever I could. I could die any day, and I want to leave a letter.

I found them again recently. I was nine years old and my letters were full of anger. Full of spite, full of hatred, full of bitterness. I was nine years old. Thinking about it now, how fucked up was I that I started writing suicide letters full of hatred at the age of 9?

It was horrible, and I kept thinking everyday that it will be the last day I’ll live. It was too tempting to jump off our building from the fourth floor, imagining my bones crack at the contact with the concrete floor. Thinking of how my blood gets splattered on the floor as I twitch in pain and take my last breath.

Thinking about it was satisfying to me.

Seventh grade came and I grew up. I grew taller and lost some weight. Still, I was bullied and kept thinking how fat I am.

It was a horrible year too. I felt so excluded from our class, I was still being shitted at home like it usually does. I think I forgot what happiness was during this time.

I have really few friends. And this one friend influenced me the most.

I saw scars on her wrist. I was confused. How can someone get scars that many? So I asked her, genuinely curious. What happened to her? I was concerned, of course.

She told me she was cutting. She wasn’t clear why but it’s understandable. It must’ve been too personal. I asked her how it felt and why she kept doing it. She said it feels nice and it makes her feel alive. She loves the feeling of cold blade slitting through her wrists, she loves the way the blood comes out of her cuts. I was confused why.

Then one day, we had to go to her house to do a project. We finished it early and so we watched a movie and still, we have a lot of time left. Suddenly, she closed the door of her room and smiled at us.

“I’m gonna show you how I do my cuts.”

I was very curious. My other friend and I couldn’t say anymore since she already had the blade in her hands. She showed it to us closely, showed us how she pushed it against her skin, how the blood started coming out, and then she sliced it open.

She did more of it, my friend and I just watched. We were all young and we didn’t know it was bad. I didn’t think of stopping her, we didn’t do anything about it but watch. Watched as she smiles while harming herself.

It got to me soon. I was curious. I kept thinking how did it feel good when you hurt yourself? How do you feel alive by hurting and leaving a mark on yourself that you know will never leave?

I went to the nearest store with a twenty-peso bill in hand. I asked for a blade. They gave me one and I paid for it. I hid it from my grandparents as I went up the stairs and into my room.

I stared at it for a long time, playing with it in my hands. Twirling it around, feeling the sharpness against my fingers. It was really sharp and it already gave a small cut on my skin.

Slowly, I sank the blade into my wrists. It felt good. I smiled. Now I understand why my friend liked it. The pain felt good. Physical pain felt better than the mental and emotional torture I carry everyday. The physical pain made me happy.

It was so fucked up. I got addicted to it. I carved “FAT” on my arm since that’s what I was anyway. Everyday, I kept looking at the freshly-carved scar on my arm to remind me what I am. What I really am.

Fat.

It went on until I’m in 8th, 9th, 10th grade. Everyday I would have fresh cuts in my wrist and arm. It was hard to stop when the pain was addicting. But I kept track of myself. I really wanted to be clean already.

It went on until I’m in 8th, 9th, 10th grade. Everyday I would have fresh cuts in my wrist and arm. It was hard to stop when the pain was addicting. But I kept track of myself. I really wanted to be clean already.

Looking back at my 9th grade photos, I kept thinking this waa the healthiest I’ve been. My body was just right because I lost weight. But it was also the worst year of my mental health.

My old habits were back. I write suicide letters everyday, I kept on wanting to kill myself, I do more and deeper cuts than I usually do.

Still, I kept thinking I was fat and I should lose more weight. I was 55 kilograms, and my goal was to be 35 kilograms. I was 15 years old.

I wanted to die everyday. I loathe myself, I hate seeing myself, I kept thinking how I wasn’t good enough in anything. I’m a huge failure, I’m the most stupid in the family, and I’m the most worthless of them all.

My senior years in high school might be the healthiest years of my mental health. I was happy, I was doing good in school, I stopped cutting myself. There’s still the insecurity, of course, but it was milder than it usually is.

I still think I’m fat. The thought never went away. But during this time, I didnt care.

The last two years of me as a teen was probably the worst and the most exhausting yet.

My suicidal thoughts were back. I feel pressure everyday to the point where I don’t want to do anything anymore. I’m more scared to do things now than before. I’m scared of trying because I’m scared of failing. I’m fucking scared of living my life.

Not a single day passed where I never thought of killing myself. Just the mere thought of me dying was enough to comfort me. To take my last breath, my last grip, my last everything. I love thinking of it.

And yes, I’m still fat. And I’m more insecure now than I ever was.

This summer was the worst of it all, on top of all the gruel things happening in the world. Every single fucking day, I hear a comment about my weight, about my appearance, about how I should lose weight.

I’ve come to the point now where I eat once a day, sometimes nothing at all just to lose weight. Even when I do eat, I try to get it out of my system as fast as I could. I feel guilty for eating that I have to get it out immediately.

Still, I get called fat and was always told to lose weight.

Sometimes I just want to cry in front of them. Tell them this, tell them that I’m really fucking trying. But I know they wouldn’t understand. No one does.

I lost energy to do anything now. I hate writing, I hate making videos, I hate everything that I do. Whenever I do something, there’s a voice inside my head telling me to stop it because I’m ruining everything. Stop because I’m no use. Stop because I’m gonna fail anyway.

I’ve planned to go see a therapist multiple times already but it was too expensive. I don’t want to tell my parents because they wouldn’t understand. They would just say it will be a waste of money, that it’s all in my head and that I’m ungrateful for not being happy when I have all that I want.

It’s hard battling with my own mind everyday. It’s very tiring and I wish it would just stop. I want to rest. I want to rest forever. I want it all to stop.

When I was a kid, I’ve always thought I’d never reach the age 20. Maybe I was right though. I still got a few months left to make it true.

All these thoughts were gathered by a single non-harmful sentence: “Go say hi to them.”

Say hi to them and fat? Hear their comments about my weight, my ugly face, and make me feel insecure? Say hi to them and let them pick on me and push me down even farther that I won’t be able to get up.

Until now that I’m typing this, I can hear their voices making rude comments about me. Insulting me. Badmouthing me.

And then they wonder why I lock myself in my room during family gatherings :)

[leyrza]

LOVE YOURSELF 結 ‘Answer’ Behind The Scenes Jacket Shooting SNOW

oh my uwu this is so cute!! 💖

[leyrza]

Me: *calls grown famous Korean men 'my babies'*

[leyrza]

The lovable Park Bo Gum

Let me tell you about Park Bo Gum. I don’t know him that well since I'm a new fan but based on the videos I've watched, the articles I read, and the tweets he tweeted, I made a conclusion that Park Bo Gum is an angel sent from heavens above.

With his angelic face, there's no denying it. God took his time to form this beautiful human carefully, from every single strand of his hair down to his soles. Have you seen such beautiful eyes? It shines so bright, and I'm pretty sure it holds the most important secret of the universe. How about his smile? Have you ever seen such beautiful smile? The way his lips curl up when he smiles, and when he shows his perfect, pearl-white teeth, his nose crunches up and he's the most beautiful when he's happy. I hope he stays like that.

Do you want me to get started with how kind-hearted he is? 'Cause there's no way you can actually stop me. He is very kind and sweet to everyone. How can I say so, right? How can I say that he's kind when I haven't even met him in person?

Look at these pictures with his co-stars in his latest drama 'Love in the Moonlight'. His co-stars uploaded at least two pictures of them with Bo Gum in their Instagrams, which happens rarely because not all stars get along really well, and don't post pictures often about their colleagues. But they have so much love for Bo Gum (who doesn't have Instagram, btw), and I don't know why but the photos their posted online is such a big deal to me. Nowadays, people express their love through social media, and it makes me happy that Bo Gum gets along very well with his co-stars.

Also, have you watched his guesting in the Korean reality show, '2 Days, 1 Night'? Last night, I stayed up 'til 3am to watch the episodes he was in and my heart totally melted at his sweet and kind gestures towards his team mates, the other team, and the staffs. He drank FIVE (5) glasses of sports drink to fill up their gas tank, he voluntarily bought their tickets to skydiving (? not quite sure ?), he took care of his team mates and made sure they were comfortable while eating lunch, and he was very caring. God, he's literally an angel.

Here are the links to his episodes in 2 Days, 1 Night. Make sure to watch it because you'll love Park Bo Gum even more.

Episode 1/3: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=egynGpEFXPs

Episode 2/3: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AR51_k-GsUk

Episode 3/3: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m8ayv5XDK5M

Did I also mention how talented he is? He can act really well, obviously, but have you heard his voice? Have you seen his dance moves? If your answers are no, you better watch this videos:

My Person - Park Bogum: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h9fGpQDanrA

Forget You - Park Bogum ft. d.ear: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L4QmUaUwb7Q

Jingle Bell Rock (KBS 2015): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xt6nHYU4i5w

Park Bo Gum - Bombastic: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G4x8pU8ID20

So let's keep going. You know why I admire him so much? Not just his good looks, and his great personality. It's his unconditional love and praise for God. That's what I think is the most admirable to him. Most artists forget to thank our Almighty Creator for their success but Bo Gum stays grounded and he never forgets to thank the Lord. I'm not religious myself but this boy sure did pull a string in my heart.

I am still convinced that Park Bo Gum is a real angel sent to earth by God himself. He deserves every good thing in this world and I wish he's always happy because he deserves to be. And if someone ever tries to hurt my little angel, I am ready to fight them.

[leyrza]

Miss Universe weekend getaway!

Okay, I'll just clear the title of this entry. No, I didn't watch the Miss Universe inside the MOA Arena, but it was still a very surreal 'Miss U' weekend for me.

Last January 27, we checked in to Conrad Hotel. I was really sleepy when we arrived, I didn't even care about all these people in the hotel lobby. I knew that we were staying in the same hotel as the candidates but all I really want to see is Pia Wurtzbach and Bretman Rock (a big bonus if we see Maxine Medina).

The next day, my cousins arrived at the hotel. My aunt suddenly told me that they saw Pia Wurtzbach the night before. I was shocked and frozen. Damn, that was Pia Wurtzbach! The reigning Miss Universe! The most beautiful woman in the Universe right now! I was really jealous but they couldn't take a picture because the guards said so (little did they know, my aunt was taking a video, not pictures. Jokes on them).

Anyway, my parents and I decided to come down and take pictures in the MOA Arena. So we did. And we came across this cute little fluffy baby beside the big Miss Universe crown. I can't help but gush over the dog, so my father pushed me to take a picture with it. Someone has asked for a photo so I decided to ask the owner too. The owner kinda hesitated at first because there's a slight drizzle already and the dog might get sick, but he saw the eagerness in my face so he let me take a picture with his dog. I couldn't thank him enough. (The owner was cute too, just so you know.)

He did not just steal the spotlight, he also stole the crown AND my heart!

On January 29, three of my cousins, my aunt and I grabbed some breakfast in Brasserie on 3. The day before, my mom told us that the candidates eat their breakfast at 8am so we went down at around 8:15am (because duhhh, Filipino time). My eldest cousin decided to eat outside of the restaurant since the view is really nice and the breeze was cool. The food was so good, there's no other way to describe it. We did ate with some of the candidates but we don't know them so we didn't approach any of them.

By the time we finished eating, we saw a tall blonde girl. We were very sure she was a candidate. We just couldn't approach her because she was hugging another girl and they were talking. She was really jolly, she was jumping while hugging her, and she was really adorable. When we were going to approach her, my cousin waved at her to ask for a picture but she just waved at us with a big smile before hurrying inside the Brasserie. She was probably hungry so we just shrugged it off.

After an hour, my cousins and I decided to go to the gym. It was my first time to hit the gym and oh my gosh. It was soooo refreshing. I felt like a whole new person after working out. (shirt from fudgerock!)

And the best thing? We were working out with Olivia Jordan! We didn't know it was her, to be honest so we just sneaked photos of her (because my cousin wanted her body so bad. She was really beautiful without makeup!).

As night came, my cousins and I decided to go to SM Mall of Asia to have a walk in the seaside. As we were in the mall already, we decided to buy our dinner. We bought 15 chickenjoy from Jollibee (because duhhh). As we entered the hotel, the guards said that the delivery boy wasn't allowed so we were like "um?? we can't bring that big box of chicken joy, it's too heavy." So the guard made me and my cousin wait at the extension of the hotel to MOA, they called a bellboy to bring it up. My other cousins and aunt went up to our room while we were left there. When the guard told us that a bellboy is coming, he advised us to go up to our room and wait for it. We went up to the main lobby, and as soon as I saw the elevator, I realized that we don't have our card with us! We can't go up to our room without it!

My cousin and I panicked a bit, then I told her to ask the front desk to call our room. While she was talking to a girl in the frontdesk, I was just observing the lobby. the floors, the lights, the walls, the people sat on the sofa, everything. And then, the elevator suddenly opened. A guard was covering the elevator with both of his arms. I got curious so I took a peak. There were lots of people in there, I thought. And then I saw a ravishing Pia Wurtzbach at the very back of the elevator! I panicked and pulled my cousin's hand to get her attention and I said, "Ate, ohmygod, Pia Wurtzbach!" and my cousin was like, "Holy shit where?!" and then Pia got off the elevator. YA GIRL SLAYING!!! I was totally star-strucked when she walked right in front of us! There's no other way to describe her, she's just really perfect. She's not that tall but her face and her body is to die for. Unfortunately, I don't have my phone with me so we didn't take a photo nor a video :( (I was devastated)

Since we were disappointed that we didn't take a photo of Pia, we just drank this bottle of water (in the bathroom cubicle) our aunt left us.

The next day, January 30, was the Miss Universe competition. We watched in our hotel room, of course. We cheered for Maxine, and everything was really intense. As I was so into the competition, my classmates are already having their mini defense in our research paper (I was probably 0 lol). After the Miss Universe, we just waited for my aunt to arrive from Sofitel so we can check out of the hotel.

The lobby was full of people. There we saw this Miss Universe candidate from previous years (one girl there said she was Miss Venezuela 2014 but I wasn't quite sure.) Anyway, she was really tall and very pretty!

That highlight and sparkly gown though! SLAAAAY GIRL!!!!

(i’m a smol bean)

Our bags were taken by the bellboys so two of my cousins and I decided to stay for a while. I was kinda sad because I'll be leaving the hotel without even seeing Bretman Rock. I did saw Pia Wurtzbach though, but I really want to see Bretman. After a good 15 minutes, my cousins and I decided to go down and leave but it was too hot outside. We agreed to go through the mall so we went back up to the lobby.

We were in front of the frontdesk and just taking in the view of the hotel one last time before leaving and then my cousin suddenly held my hand and said "Miles, ohmygod, it's Bretman!" and I was like "Holy shit, where?!" and then she pointed where Bretman was. I borrowed my Uncle's iPhone from our eldest cousin and literally ran from where we are to where Bretman is. A woman who was with them saw us so she gave us a smile and we smiled too. I tapped Bretman on his shoulder and the woman pointed at us too, so Bretman turned to face us. I'll just recall the conversation.

Bretman: Oh, hello. Me: Hi Bretman! Can we take a picture? Bretman: Oh, sure, sure! *leans on me and smiles at the camera* *leaned on my cousin too* My cousin: You're so fab. Bretman: Thank you. Me: *takes the pic but clicks the assistive touch instead* Oh, sorry. *I was getting quite shaky because of nervous, his presence is pretty intimidating tbh* *finally takes the photo* My cousin: Thank you! Me: Thank you so much! You're very lovely. Bretman: Welcome *smiles and leaves*

(I look like a complete shit but THAT HIGHLIGHT THOUGH)

My cousin and I checked out the photos and they both came out pretty good! We literally jumped in the middle of the lobby because of joy. Our eldest cousin thought we were being embarrassing but we couldn't care less, to be honest.

We went to the extension of the hotel to the mall and the guards said we can't go through yet because the candidates are still coming in. So we just stood there and waited. As I was sending my photo with Bretman on my Facebook, a girl, almost the same height as I am, wearing a red dress walked right in front of us and asked the guard, "Kuya, pwede dumaan dito?" and the guard just nodded. I only saw half of her face but I can confirm that it was our Miss U candidate Maxine Medina! She was alone though, but she still looked very pretty! We didn't get the chance to take a photo because she was in a hurry.

While in the lobby though, waiting for our car, we saw Miss Chile! She was very kind and we had a very short conversation.

Me: Can we take a picture? Miss Chile: Yeah, sure! My mom: *takes the picture* Me: I hope you enjoyed Manila. Miss Chile: Oh, yes, I had a really good time. Thank you! Me: Thank you again!

(My mom’s not the best photographer but still...)

And she sat next to us! Talk about MAJOR KILIG.

I would do anything to get back from last week again. That weekend was surreal, a lot of things happened, met a lot of people, ate a lot of food, everything felt like a dream. I would like to thank the major sponsor of our weekend, my aunt <3 And of course, it wouldn't all be possible if it wasn't because of our God. Just pray and wish hard, He will give it to you. And I can never thank God enough for being so good to me. God bless y'all!

irrelevant picture but I feel cute in here

[leyrza]

Foodtrip (12/27/16)

If you're close to me, you'll know how much I love food. I am willing to sacrifice my phone and wifi in exchange of my favorite foods and I won't even fret.

Yesterday, my best friend and I had a date before she goes back to Tarlac today (sad :(). We actually had a hard time picking where to go but decided it will be best if we'll go somewhere near. (We actually came 15 minutes early and they're still preparing ohmygosh we were so awkward and all because we were the first customers to be there)

The first thing we bought are the Enchiladas. It was SO delicious. I didn't really know what Enchiladas are but it tastes really good. It was juicy, spicy, and really tasty with a side of nachos.

Next was the smores milkshake. Damn, it balanced the spicyness of the enchilada. The whip cream, marshmallow, the milkshake... Ugh. Just what I really need.

I've been eyeing the Japanese stall since we arrived. As soon as it opened, I ordered Takoyaki and forced my best friend to eat it. She liked it. I. LOVED. IT. I was so heart-eyes while eating the takoyaki.

Since we ran out of milkshake, we bought this drink in a fishbowl (so freaking cool) and ordered our last food: fish and chips. By chips, I thought they will put fries (since that's the fish and chips I grew up to) but no, they put chips like the one similar to Chowking's chicharap. It was soooo delicious though, we were so full after eating.

At the end of the day, we also went to McDo and ordered a BFF fries and hot fudge sundaes. Who doesn't love McDo?

Yesterday was indeed a day well spent with delicious foods, and a great person to share it with. Plus this cute cat in their place. I’m definitely in love.

[leyrza]

Where art thou, Christmas?

Christmas is the most anticipated holiday each year. Family gathers together, you buy expensive gifts or anything your loved ones want, misa de gallo, the FOODS, Christmas carols, and many more. Each year, kids get excited to wake up early on the 25th to check if Santa left something for them overnight. It's that time of the year when ninongs and ninangs hide because their godchildren will surely ask for their gifts (not all though but let's just be real here). It's the time of the year when each house are decorated with colorful lights and Christmassy figures. But this year - 2016 - seems a whole lot different to me, hence the title, where art thou, Christmas vibes?

When December 1 dropped, I literally cannot wait for Christmas. I can feel the holiday. Christmas songs are everywhere, everyone sets up their Christmas trees, you can actually feel the holiday. But now, we're two days away from Christmas and I didn't even notice it. Turns out I wasn't the only one. A lot of people doesn't feel the Christmas vibes either. What's up with this year?

This time years ago, you can really feel the excitement flowing through your body. You can't wait to open your gifts, you're excited for the foods your lola will serve, you can't wait to sing Christmas carols in different houses (because who doesn't want extra money, and sometimes candies, during Christmas, right?), and every house is lit up with colorful lights. You can hear drunk titos outside the house, laughing about something embarrassing that happened during their childhood, titas will catch up with the latest gossips, cousins will bond through endless stories and jokes, and that one tito who owns the karaoke. He's the background music of every scene happening in the house.

So, why does this year less exciting than the previous ones? I went outside tonight to buy something and I observed my surroundings. Few houses set up their Christmas lights. No one's singing Christmas carols outside. Everything feels dull and normal. I don't think it's because of the place I live in, we've been living here for more than a decade and this town is literally one of the jolliest and alluring during the Christmas season. And the excitement isn't there anymore. Something's really different and I have to figure out what it is.

Personally, I don't feel the Christmas vibes either. I blame my workload. We were given a bunch of homeworks during the holidays, paired up with a research paper (exciting 2 week holiday, right?). I just can't celebrate or be festive knowing that I have bunch of works to do, plus I have a problem with my school that might kick me out. There's this heavy rock dangling on my chest, pulling me down. I just want to be happy, since one of the songs clearly say "T'is the season to be jolly". This is the only holiday I can be happy and school is forbidding me to be. And my question's still unanswered; where art thou, Christmas vibes?