#i was trying to explain to some friends how i know my housemates probably dont like me and only once i said oh they removed me from their

[faenights]

why is removing people from your snapmaps the most passive aggressive thing why do we care that much

[olivia-anderson-fanfic]

A Miraculous TikTok Account

Part 30

First

Previous

Next

It wasn’t until she was at work that Ladybug had seen the video.

Sure, she’d felt the familiar buzz of her phone in her pocket. She assumed it was telling her that one of her housemates had uploaded a video to TikTok, but she hadn’t thought much of it. It was Chat’s usual upload time. And, yeah, she definitely intended to watch Chat’s video at some point. It was bound to be some cute animal. But she was at work, so...

Then, to her surprise, her phone continued to buzz. Nino, probably, she didn’t know many other people she still talked to consistently and he had no reservations about double texting (or triple texting, or quadruple texting, or --).

She needed to hold off until she was done with her meeting with the Tsurugis. They were choosing their outfits for some kind of gala that Gabriel Agreste was going to be holding for the holidays.

(She gave very few clients the option of choosing between multiple designs, really. They were only going to choose one so the others would likely be scrapped, so she usually did one and then either took their critiques or went back to the designing phase… but the Tsurugis honestly kind of scared her so...)

As the two looked over their choices, she began to get curious.

She asked if she could take a call and, once they said that it would be alright, she slipped outside. She made sure she was a little bit away before leaning against the wall and pulling out her phone.

Obviously she wasn’t ACTUALLY going to call, it’s not the dark ages, but she did check her texts.

As she suspected, it was Nino.

Ninomorepuns: hey

Ninomorepuns: hey

Ninomorepuns: poppet

Ninomorepuns: hey poppet

Ninomorepuns: hey

Poppet: WHAT

Ninomorepuns: oh shit it worked

Poppet: I was at work what the duck do you want

Poppet: *fuck

Ninomorepuns: duck

Poppet: stfu. just tell me what you want I’m still at work and I need to go back soon

Ninomorepuns: did you see the new tiktok chat noir uploaded

She clicked her tongue irritably. Really? This was about the TikTok account? Sure, she could expect this from someone like Rena, but Nino?

Ninomorepuns: i think youd be interested in it since it has your gf in it

When did she get a girlfriend? And why wasn’t she told --?

Oh, wait. Right. She’d told Nino that she had a crush on Ladybug once to explain why she was running towards akumas instead of away from them.

An embarrassed blush spread across her face at the memory. She should have thought of a better lie --.

Wait, fuck, SHE was Ladybug. Chat had uploaded something about her?!

She pulled up Chat’s account.

Her eyes narrowed in on the fact that the thumbnail for his newest video was a black screen instead of the usual still frame of the animal of the day. She clicked on it…

Chat’s breathing was heavy. The bright green captions on the black screen read “Thought someone was in the house :(!”

And then there was the flick of the lightswitch. The camera went pure white as it attempted to adjust to the sudden light… and then she saw herself. In her Totoro onesie. Eating the abomination that she was still regretting hours later.

She closed out of the app. She knew what had happened next, after all.

She swallowed thickly, tears prickling at the corners of her eyes despite her best attempts. Kwami, the internet was going to have a field day. The hard edges of her phone case dug into her hand.

She wanted, so badly, to just go back to the way things were. When she didn’t have to care about her image, when she didn’t have to think about how people would react to the smallest of mistakes. That few month gap between Paon and Hawkmoth hadn’t even been enough for her to appreciate it, and she’d only been around twelve at the time, but kwami did she miss it. When mistakes were just mistakes and she was just a kid...

A ragged gasp escaped her throat and she slowly slid down the wall.

She let her phone hit the ground and brought her hands to her hair, squeezing her eyes shut. How do you breathe again? Her throat was too clogged with tears for her to even remember what it was like to breathe normally.

She felt a tiny hand on her cheek and slowly creaked her eyes open. Tikki was hovering in front of her. The kwami was breathing (or at least making a sound similar to it). Ladybug matched the pace as best she could, forcing all thoughts that weren’t remembering how to breathe out of her head.

After a moment, she managed to bring her breathing to normal.

She gave the kwami a weak smile and nuzzled her face against her.

“Thanks, Tikki,” she murmured.

It sucked, but she couldn’t afford to be like this at the moment. As far as she knew, there hadn’t been an akuma yet that day so she needed to keep everything in check.

There would probably be an akuma by the time she got home, at least, so she could feel free to get mad or panic once that happened. Did she really know what she was going to do? Not really. She’d probably figure it out by then, though.

She looked back at her phone and then pulled up her chat with Nino again because, to him, she had just disappeared for no reason.

What would she normally say?

Poppet: wow. she’s an even bigger disaster than I am

Ninomorepuns: right lmao you might actually be the sensible one in the relationship

Poppet: stfu. I’ll kill you

Ninomorepuns: better not do it during an akuma or itll be fixed

Poppet: you right

Ninomorepuns: wait dont you still have work go away

She rolled her eyes a little and started typing a response along the lines of ‘you’re the one that distracted me from work in the first place’ but something pulled her attention away from her phone.

The doorknob jingled, there was a blur of black and red as Tikki dove to hide in her jacket pocket, and then Kagami was poking her head through.

“My mother and -- are you alright?”

Ladybug rubbed under her eyes to get rid of any stray tears. “Of course! Sorry, my friend just told a really good joke and I guess my laughter got away from me.” She pulled a bright smile to her face. “Are you and your mom done choosing?”

The woman in front of her didn’t seem to believe her, but she nodded shortly. She pushed herself to her feet, brushed herself off, and continued on with her day.

~

She pulled her mask on outside the door and the smile on her face was just a fraction too wide as she stepped inside.

“Rena,” she said, because she was the only person she saw in the living room.

She looked up from her phone and then tensed ever so slightly at the sight of a clearly pissed off Ladybug. “Bonjour,” she greeted carefully.

“Has anyone been akumatized yet today?”

“... yeah. It was the homeless guy on eighth and --.”

“Cool. Thanks.” She walked up a flight of stairs and raised her hand to knock on Chat’s door.

She stopped herself.

The conversation they’d had only yesterday rang in her ears.

One bad day away from akumatization. That’s what Master Fu had said. She pressed her lips together thinly. He’d been right, apparently, all it had taken for the emotional wall she’d built to crumble was for her persona to crack even slightly… sure, she had her reasons for why she was so upset that the public was now aware of the fact that she wasn’t who she said she was -- and the fact that it was because of Chat of all people didn’t help -- but she’d thought she was reasonably stable emotionally up until then...

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, resting her forehead against the cold wood of his door and trying her hardest to think.

The options were to suppress the emotions or address them. Suppressing them clearly wasn’t working as much anymore, but she only had about twelve to twenty-four hours to properly address them if she wanted to do that…

She hesitated.

Maybe if she addressed part of the feelings then she could suppress the rest. That would work, right?

She walked up to her room/attic and started making a plan.

By the end of the night, she’d finished writing it all out in the back of her sketchbook.

Glitter

Ruin that perfect motherfucker’s perfect skin and perfect hair

Glitter Part 2 Electric Boogaloo

Lull him into a false sense of security

Make him think he’s going insane

M u r d e r

It wasn’t a lot, only six parts, but she felt like she would probably be fine after part six.

(She’d better be, you can’t really get revenge on a dead person.)

Her problems with the people of Paris would still be there, but at least her problems with Chat would be over with.

She smiled at the plan. Yes, it was all coming together now.

~~~

Taglist

@nathleigh @sassakitty @th1s-1s-my-aesthet1c @blueslushgueen @woe-is-me0 @ladybug-182 @cas-and-their-refusal-to-write @trippingovermyfeet @melicmusicmagic @meimei3841 @roseliali

[flsedirection]

‘ GO FUCK YOUR SELFIE ‘ 

                                                                                                  IN THE CLOUD - 

uploading data … ⟳  

    jack of all trades master of none - max caulfield. never moved to seattle, max got to stay and grow up with her friends her parents got divorced and she doesnt see her dad much anymore it must have been a weird domino effect of not moving on. growing up in the cloud max attended CONSTANCE BILLIARD SCHOOL FOR GIRLS in high school max was the girl that befriended her teachers at parties people thought it was a spectacle when she ate an edible and got too honest about people as jokes. the quirky art student that you saw taking pictures at pep rallies and sporting events - living life through the lens of her camera the art in her journal you wouldnt catch her speaking up often in groups of people when she was young. she had flings for girls and guys but shyed away from that most of the time except at parties and occasional dates... sleepovers. she always a step back from life willingly sidelining herself if people didnt drag her into things, she was almost a bit of a welcome mat. gullible and a bit naive with an indecisive nature it was easy for her to just let people take advantage of her because there was the part of her that was nosy and just wanted to get closer. 

now that shes older and attending BLACKWELL UNIVERSITY max has an ache for adventure she loves to go out at night and cause trouble, or for a walk in the woods by herself shes even dabbled in grafitti and bne. you would not call her a trouble maker by any means but there is that underlying want there to document she doesnt let people walk over her the same way they did in the past. shes still not sure in her art in her photography the girl is wishy washy about everything but shes learning to be stronger. shes still corny shes makes jokes like the moths in my head dont let me think, shes pretentious about her polaroid camera and black coffee and better than you indie music, she still the curious girl who swallowed her teddy bears eye just to see if she could. shes better at finding her voice shes trying to live a real life instead of just copying all the personality traits of those around her to fit social norms and breaking down in bathrooms over small things that overwhelm her. you can still find her in the back of classes with her headphones in, inner monologuing, but you can also find her painting in the woods or trying to start a fail tshirt business with her art on it because shes still self conscious, taking pictures of your friends wedding or your five year old sisters birthday party in her free time. 

       THE MEMORIES...��⟳  

she has vivid day dreams of nose bleeds and death following her, the guilt she feels she still feels it all the danger she felt like she was in. it affects her because it seems so damn real it feels like something that happened to her, a girl she loves and cares about dying because of her - everyone she knows and loves dying because of her. the guilt eats away at her... but its not real right? shes not that indecisive right? this isnt her fault, she just cant shake it. it follows her and its so heavy that some days she doesnt even get out of bed. 

       THE CONNECTS... ⟳  

ex gfs - max is mostly into girls though in hs this was probaly more aha i really really like you but i dont know how to actually be your gf so this is the closest thing we will ever get. they probably went out on dates and max did corny things like set up a movie projector in the backyard for them. 

crushes - max while more outspoken now probably wasnt that much in the past so this could be one sided or max never realized the crush and your muse was like?? are you dense in the head or current crushes

fwb/set up dates - max probably is very new to fwb she likes men and women physically and is trying to live life now rather than just being a teachers pet and behind a camera. so hookups would be very random whatever works. 

did u need a photographer - literally any reason literally any just throw it out there she needs money for her black coffee and fucking vinyl records annoying ass. 

roommate - definitely 1 or 2 roommates would be cool she is a messy housemate cups on the bedside table polaroids lefts on the random surfaces shes organized chaos. 

goes out together - for dinner instead of doing homework goes to parties together maybe they broke into a building or like took pictures on the traintracks in the middle of the night. roadtripped or anything. 

like siblings - max has never had a sibling she was raised on only child ( god that explains why she is the way she is ) so i would love someone who is like a sibling to her. 

tried to start something - max has tried to be in a band tried to start a buisness where she like did ink prints of teeth and put them on shirts and tried to sell them. knitting club. book club. roller skating. she tries so many things and gives them up. 

LIKE TO PLOT !!

[puthyjuth]

i feel like a cuntaroonie and im going back and forth abt feeling bad abt this cus yesterday after like half a year of trying to be understanding and mind my business i had a serious talk with my housemate/friend because her trauma response of screaming and yelling at both her partner and her cat for small things affects me & the house dynamic (especially with quarantine) like i feel so bad for her cat who keeps jumping and banging at the door. and if the screaming was like once every few months or once a month like ok whatever but sometimes its like everyday for 3 weeks

i am 99% sure she has bpd, which absolutely doesn’t make her a bad person i have close friends with bpd and i do research for myself thats why i notice the similarities in symptoms but she has 0 coping mechanisms except league of legends (she mentioned) and constantly projects onto everyone through passive aggressiveness, actual aggressiveness (SCREAMING, not yelling, but SSScreaming), pretentiousness, and being dismissive/belittling and has mentioned several times in the past & in the conversation she doesnt care to change

i was really conflicted if i should even tell her bc im not her therapist and i dont want to force someone to have a conversation about healing when they are not ready to but i realized i needed to tell her for myself and also honestly for the everyone in the house and ultimately for her bc no one around her tells her anything but it affects literally everyone including the cats which is a whole other thing but i feel like i need to overextend myself and also constantly tiptoe and feel uncomfortable every time i was outside with them bc of the unspoken tension

throughout the conversation i constantly reminded her that her anger & trauma response of screaming was not her fault because she has a LOT of trauma that was inflicted on her bc of her being a short pretty asian woman in a field of mostly cishet incel men and her bf is also one but she has some degree of control of how she responds to it like if she feels like yelling she can just yell or say that shes really upset and wants to be passive aggressive etc but i also reminded her its ok if you are not ready to heal & thats not what im asking of u

while she was being reasonably defensive when i mentioned specifics of when things stress me out bc im sure there are things i dont know behind closed doors, i still see when she screams at the top of her lungs at her cat for sniffing an empty clay pot and how she calls him pathetic and a little bitch and just being really mean to him in a serious tone (cats pick up/understand to a degree on human language & communication) and when i played with him for a bit he was extremely jittery and she blames her bf for things hes allowed to do

like idk if this was the right response to handle my emotions but i honestly have been bottling this shit up for months and probably for a while even before living with her without a way to explain it but its really too much sometimes bc its gotten so far that i feel like i need to micromanage her cat even though thats not something i actually want to do but hes treated so differently when everyones in the same room (shes nice to him) but alone i can hear her screaming at him for the smallest shit. cus idgaf abt her relationship w her bf & im not meddling but at the very least like dont traumatize your cat esp as someone that told me “wow you really dont know anything about cats, huh?” like... you’re so mean to YOUR cat...

i told her im not asking you to heal but the most superficial thing im asking is to stop screaming & being mean to your cat and also to remember that her trauma is not her fault & her feelings of extreme anger and the need to scream is not her fault. its not, and shes allowed to feel like this and none of this is her fault, bc she always thinks people are trying to blame her for all the problems when its not, its literally a culmination of a bunch of shit for if she ever feels ready to heal in the future

it’ll probably be awkward in the house for a while, but the biggest reason im doing this for myself cuz even beyond the screaming & passive aggressive remarks, her cat literally learned how to open doors just to meow and try to get into our room like all the time but also i really do genuinely care for her & i honestly dont think anyone else in her life is actually all that validating to her and it makes her anger even worse and i feel like no one actually tells her that its ok for her to be angry

[soybeansoyul]

complete. | jinhwi

pairings: jinhwi, panwink, minhwan, ongniel

summary: jinyoung needs someone to fill the void in him. he’s also looking for a new housemate. and some money.

warnings: idk swearing? 

chapters: 1/2 

cross-posted from aff, ao3 and wattpad.

jinyoung groans as he looks at his tuition bills. he still has more envelopes laying on the kitchen counter. more bills, probably. "fuck you, park jihoon," jinyoung mutters as he opens another envelope.

he rolls his eyes at how his best friend had moved out of their shared apartment just to live with his boyfriend of 3 years - an extremely tall taiwanese boy named guanlin. 

boyfriend.

jinyoung whips out his phone to make a google search.

is it normal if ive never dated anyone and im like 20?

he skims through the search results and puts his phone down.

bjy @baejin

YALL its comfirmed im dying alone im gonna b single 4 lyfe !!11!

bjy @baejin

jk im not lonely or desperate i just need money

bjy @baejin

if u wanna sponsor ur boy's tuition pls hmu !

woojin @nationsdarkpast

@baejin if jaehwan-hyung could find someone u can too! WOOOO

sungwoon is shaking @kingjaehwan

@baejin @nationsdarkpast THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN ???

an idea pops into jinyoung's head. he heads to his bedroom and grabs his laptop.

jinyoung plugs out one of his earphones and turns to glare at the couple sitting behind him.

bjy @baejin

who in the fuck holds hands while studying?? its a damn library get out if ur gonna hanky panky and not study ffs

minhyun @optimushwang

And here we have another episode of Angsty Teen

it was sejeong and doyoung - the presidents of choir. the two seniors had heavenly voices and they were one of the sweetest couples on campus. jinyoung just didn't appreciate having to hear their "haha i love you" "no i love you more!" debate while he was trying to finish his essay.

"why so glum?" he looks up to see daniel, along with seongwoo and jisung. "i'm not, i'm just annoyed at the PDA," jinyoung replies, and continues to type away at his laptop. "by the way, hi hyungs,"

"how have you been? you seem really stressed out lately," jisung asks, concerned. "i'm fine. just broke." jinyoung's eyes don't leave his laptop.

"you're renting out your apartment, right?" seongwoo asks, sipping his coffee. "jihoon replacement?" "yup. and nah, i just need the money."

daniel looks over at seongwoo before speaking. "actually, i have a friend who's interested in moving in," daniel says. jinyoung's eyes instantly light up. "really?"

daniel nods. "do you want his number?" "yes, please!" the trio swears they haven't seen jinyoung so happy in a while. "thank you, daniel!"

baejin: hey, daehwi right?

maguhwi: yep!

baejin: u wanna come over to see the place and stuff? we can discuss afterwards if ur keen

maguhwi: sure ^^

baejin: [address attached]

maguhwi: thanks! see you tomorrow at 4?

baejin: see u :-)

jinyoung opens the door, only to be greeted by the most adorable boy he's ever seen.

you just met him, jinyoung, don't hoe around-

"hi! i'm daehwi, nice to meet you!" the blonde bows, and jinyoung does the same. "i'm jinyoung, nice to meet you too," daehwi was a little shorter than jinyoung, and he had uneven eyelids. jinyoung thought that was cute.

"so, how old are you?" jinyoung starts, waiting for daehwi to step into the apartment. "19."

"oh, i'm 20." daehwi hums in response, and the taller of the two shows him around.  

it's daehwi's first day living with jinyoung, and jinyoung wakes up to daehwi gently shaking him.

"dude, what the fu-"

"i made breakfast, jinyoungie!" daehwi smiles, and jinyoung has question marks floating around in his head.

jinyoungie?

"whoa, how do you look so handsome even when you just woke up?" jinyoung nearly chokes on his own saliva, but somehow manages to shapen up anyway. this beautiful stranger he was now sharing his apartment with - made him breakfast and called him handsome? he snaps out of his daze when daehwi grabs his arm and drags him to the kitchen.

if jinyoung had to name one thing he had learnt about daehwi over the course of 2 weeks - was that the smaller boy was exceptionally clingy. oh, and adorable too.

jinyoung doesn't know how he ended up with daehwi in his lap, leaning against his chest on their couch, watching movies. it was a friday night and neither of the two had plans to leave the house. by the 2nd movie, jinyoung was already sound asleep.

be wakes up at 4am to make a trip to the bathroom - he realises he's in his bed, which is definitely not where he fell asleep. he pokes his head out of his door, and daehwi is still there, wide awake, onto the 4th movie already.

the taller boy is secretly envious of the latter - daehwi didn't go to school. when questioned, he simply said he was taking a year's break to "realize stuff". daehwi could pull all-nighters and do practically anything he wanted, while jinyoung was a (not-so-anymore) broke college student struggling to keep his eyes open in class.

once again, jinyoung doesn't know how, but daehwi somehow ended up being his best friend. the boy was similar to him in a way that they both rarely left the house. as much as jinyoung hated to admit it, he was a sucker for skinship ; and he's always wanted to have someone to hug to sleep. he now does have someone - daehwi. his heart feels like it's about to explode sometimes - he doesn't know what this feeling is. is this love?

friends share the same bed although they have their own rooms, friends kiss each other on the cheek, friends cuddle, friends shower together, right? this, this is all platonic, right?

"hyung, are you single?" the blonde boy currently straddling jinyoung asks. jinyoung nearly chokes on his coffee. 

"yeah."

"you've never had a boyfriend?"

"yeah. never."

"but hyung, you're so handsome. and you're so lovely," jinyoung snickers, and shakes his head.

"no! hyung, you're the best-"

jinyoung doesn't know when the younger's lips had looked so plump and soft, but he quickly learns that he posesses zero self-control when he cups daehwi's face and leans forward to kiss him. he thinks he's going crazy - his heart has never pounded so fast before.

"no, daehwi-yah, it's not what you think it is-"

"yeah, staying up late just to wait for you to come home, only to see you drunk with some woman at the club? right." daehwi spat, anger brazen on his face. "

she's just a friend, hwi," jinyoung sighs, head in his hands. it was true - he was just drinking with the president of his club.

"whatever, go spend more time with your friend, then. we've been together for a year and a half now, i can't believe you'd pull this shit on me," daehwi's furious, and storms out the door before jinyoung can even stop him.

shit. there i go, fucking up everything once again.

niel: wtf happened

baejin: i dont fucking know ok i fucked shit up

niel: :( daehwi's w me and ong rn

baejin: take care of him

baejin: sorry

baejin: i always mess up

"hyung? i'm so, i don't like seeing jinyoung with other people! i don't feel good!" daehwi screams, startling the couple, who were sitting on the couch.

"jealousy? anger?" daniel looks at his boyfriend, confused.

"how in the fuck-"

jinyoung swears to never let daehwi go so easily again. he's glad he has the smaller boy back in his arms. he falls asleep with the latter as his teddy bear. he's been told by others that he seems a lot happier now - and jinyoung thinks it's true. daehwi is the epitome of perfection, it's as if his hands were made for jinyoung ; and jinyoung only. his first love - and his first kiss, his first time holding hands with someone else. jinyoung always felt empty, but with daehwi, he felt complete. jinyoung hopes he never loses him.

jinyoung learns that good things don't last forever when he finds daehwi, laying on the living room floor, pale, eyes shut, with no sign of life whatsoever. 

“daehwi, can you hear hyung? yah, daehwi!" jinyoung shakes him, and he freezes once he hits the cold, hard reality - daehwi's heart isn't beating.

"daehwi, don't scare hyung! it isn't funny!" he shakes him once again, using his phone to call for an ambulance.

"doctor, is he okay?" jinyoung stands up when the doors burst open.

"kid, is this a prank?" the doctor, dongho, according to his nametag, asks.

"what?" jinyoung shakes his head in disbelief.

"why would you bring a robot to a hospital?"

"what? he's my boyf-"

"kid, he's a robot. do we have to unscrew all of this mechanism to prove it to you?" dongho raises an eyebrow.

jinyoung's hair is all messed up, his eyes are puffy and tears are falling from them. he can't believe what's happening.

"he's human - his heartbeat stopped just now, doctor, just help him!"

"he never had a heartbeat. he's a robot."

jinyoung cries even harder, when jisung and minhyun drag him away to the carpark of the hospital. his 7 other friends are waiting for him there.

"you, you knew all along, right?" jinyoung storms up to daniel and grabs him by the collar. "yeah, i knew. we just wanted to help you, jinyoung-" he stutters and minhyun has to step in before jinyoung can throw a punch at daniel.

"all of you knew, too? you all knew he wasn't human?" jinyoung screams, and the 9 nod their head in shame.

"so is this what your fucking shady ass company is about?" he glares at seongwoo and daniel, voice all hoarse, the two looking the most guilty out of all of the boys.

"jinyoung, let us explain," seongwoo puts a hand on jinyoung's shoulder, but jinyoung slaps it away.

"don't talk to me." and with that, jinyoung leaves.

he can't believe it - daehwi, his first love, the one that completed him ; was just a robot. jinyoung laughs bitterly as he walks down the street.

he knew things were too good to be true. who would fall in love with him, anyway?

a/n im so sorry for what ive done

inspo credits go to @/leedaehwi on ao3 for the social media au part!! 

[emily-jared-zoe-benjamin-blog]

TW: Abuse, rape, toxic houses, abelism, additction. text heavy post below the cut. Please read. Do not comment with anything that is unsupportive. x x x x x x x x x x I ususally dont have the energy or am too ashamed to tell people whats actually going on with me. It has felt very isolating and put me in a bad mental place for a long time. This time I am speaking out. It's hard for me to put this in words without being emotional. I have reached out to some folks in my community. I have direct support from members of MBAC, TWAC, NLG, SURJ. Three or four years ago, I and others started a rad community house to center marganilized folks. I have been the primary person holding down this house (as in emotional labor, physical labor, and financial labor). Awesome friends have lived here. So have alot of shitty, abusive assholes. I've been fucked over beyond anything I feel like going into. Things have deteriorated. The people I currently live with have worn me down to nothing and have turned the house into a toxic environment. They were all friends before moving in and reinforce and enable each others problematic behaviors. They are abelist and abusive. They aren't paying bills or rent. We are getting shut off notices everyday. One of my roommmates raped someone in the house and the rest have enabled this behavior thru appoligism and denial. JARED HUNSAKER BENJAMIN DONOLON AKA JOHN SMITH EMILY KAYE WARNER ZOE SNIK OR ZOE JENKINS TOXIC ENVIRONMENT Since this summer, I have consistently been woken up by rowdy partying every night from the hours of 3-9 AM. They will sleep or drink through the day. There is a culture of drug and alchohol use on a nightly and daily basis. Personally, I dont care what drugs people do as long as it does not negativly affect others in the house. That is the case here. The drugs they are using makes them highly aggressive. Often what wakes me up is barking dogs and sketchy-and-drunk, agro-white-cis dudes getting into fights or raising their voices. People and their dogs have literally stayed at the house for upwards of two months. Typically this is without discussion. Most of them have been physically violent and aggressive and verbally abusive. Most of them have been kicked out after multiple incidents of violence and agression. Most of these incidents arent communicated with other housemates. I finally find out once it's really bad that, oh, they knew this person was agro all along and had expierenced it. Many times these are people my roommates later claim to 'barely know' or just met. All are white cis dudes. I realize a lot of this behavior is deeply imbedded in their community. I have been in a constant state of exhaustion due to lack of sleep. I have chronic pain and I get exhausted everyday just from living and have explained this to them many times. It's disorienting being woken up from a deep REM sleep consistently. And I cant function/think. The last fucking noise I want to be woken up by is either a barking dog or the sound of a white cis dude who probably has dred locks. This is not a punk house. When I reached my limit and asked that we not host folks for a few weeks (especially white cis dudes) they did so anyways and lied to my face that no one was there (even when I saw them). I've also asked for specific people who have been agro not to be back at the house. This has also been ignored. When neighbors began coming to me, they finally took the noise seriously. ANON ROOMMATE - RAPE/ABUSE It is in this toxic culture that one of my roommates raped someone in the house. The entire house apparently knew/or was involved and didnt tell me, nor did they hold this person acocuntable. Why? Because they are denialists, appologists, and enablers. They shamed the survivor to their face as well as blamed them for the abuse because they both had drank. In addition, Emily screamed and violently reacted to the survivor when the survivor went to them for support. The rapist literally said things such as, "she is only saying I raped her because her feelings are hurt." They shit talked the survivor and said they were out to ruin them and not to trust them. These conversations took place in a Facebook chat which I am no longer in and copied and pasted to email form. *some screenshots included.. I reached the limit of pictures that could be posted, however, there is much more* I learned about the rape when rent was due (one month after the abuse) when the abuser didnt have money because he had to pay for part of the abortion. I immediatly reached out to the survivor and offered support. The survivor told me they reached out to everyone in the house to try to hold the abuser accountable and asked that I be told. No one in the house did that. I then sent a Facebook message to the entire house calling out the abuser and the other people's appoligist, enabling behaviors. I asked for accountability. I set up ground rules for this conversation and said I would end the conversation if they were broken (for example, no gaslighting, no survivor blaming, shaming, no aggressive personal attacks, etc). These rules were broken repeaditly as were boundaries the survivor set. They seriously triggered the survivor. I was unable to continue speaking with them because of how disguisting their comments were. I then reached out to the community for support. I arranged for a neutral mediator to meet with us in an effort to hold the abuser and others accountable. At first they were receptive. Then they never responded when the mediator reached out to them. We made more attempts and waited longer. Then said they refused to engage in mediation. I've made many efforts to hold them accountable within the house. This has failed. JARED HUNSAKER white cis male. Jared got in my face while I was in my chair, yelling when I asked him to be quiet at 4 am. He then refused to move out of my way and blocked my path and continued yelling at me until I came back out of my room to talk to him. He says that any request I have is either overreacting or petty. Usually, after I make a request to Emily (as the noise is coming from her room and I dont want to enter a room of people partying at 4 am, especially not after being attacked) for the entire group to be quiet, I will get a nasty text at 4 or 6 am from Jared saying "the whole house thinks it's time I move out" or calling me "petty." This has happened multiple times. Only two of those times are included. It's at a point where I know asking for them to respect basic boundaries or to do things around the house wont happen. I dont feel comfertable talking to them in person, so I have been talking to them over Facebook. At this point, I dont feel talking to them in any form will change anything. BENJAMIN DONLON AKA JOHN SMITH Benjamin is a poc cis male who recently moved here from Denver, Colorado. He used to organize and live at R2D2 and was briefly active in dont shoot. I found out that Benjamin basically fled Coloroado to escape accountability there. He was kicked out of his last house. Benjamin did not inform people in the house any of this information. I found out thru someone else in passing. When I asked him about this and for the name of the facilitator in Denver, he told me he was involved in a mutually abusive, co-dependant relationship where he was being mentally abused and he was physically violent. I asked him for the phone number of the facilitator of the process he went through. I asked four times. He never gave it to me. I thought it was a huge red flag that he didnt tell anyone about his past. I found the number myself. I learned that he was kicked out of a community house in Colorado for being violent towards other people and his former partner. He went through a process and was staying in the house. However, after that process, he chased his former partner into a room and she had to lock the door and trap herself in. He had punched walls before this and this time punched other folks trying to hold him back from punching the door more. It was at that time that he left Colorado. He has exibited the same behavior with me (chasing me into my room, yelling and banging the door down and trying to open it, refusing to leave). When he found out I spoke with the person in Denver, he became aggressive with me. Towering over me in my chair, yelling, blocking my path, hitting walls and counters, he accused me of "talking shit about him to people out of state" and then gaslit me, saying I never asked him for the phone number. Another time he did this to me, he ripped down a bill (in close proximity to my face and body, as I was literally in the act of putting up a shut off notice under the heat control when he ripped it down in my face). I told him to stop touching the heat unless he intended to pay, because it was about to be shut off. He then told me he would continue turning the heat on and to try to stop him (he hasn't paid bills since he moved in or paid full rent - as Emily told him this was okay). He began yelling at me and accusing me of stealing mail (???) and I quickly went into my room and held the door shut (my doors are french doors tied by a rope knot). He continued yelling and tried to break open the door. He left only when I blasted music to drown him out. Every encounter I have had with him since has been super aggressive. I later saw him and Zoe emptying the trash bins outside in apparent attempts to look for mail (?) it was gross and aggressive intimidation. He has harassed me while I was in the bathroom by yelling and threatening me (through a curtain door). He has waited outside my room in the dark for me to come out and mess with me on several occasions. EMILY WARNER: Emily works at Sam's Billiards as a cook (NE Sandy/42ndish). She's friends with people who party alot. She works most nights and parties afterwards until 9 am. Emily recently moved here from Michigan. I dont know where she meets her friends and would often later find out that she "doesn't know them" or just met them. She will also say that she doesnt know who's in her room and she isn't home when they are there. Both her and Zoe will say things are missing from their rooms all the time. Recently, Zoe has accused me of stealing from them, which is a baseless accusation; it clearly is the people they are bringing into the house. Emily has a pattern of abelism and creating conflict when asked to follow thru on basic promised responsibilities. Emily's dogs are dogs that bark at everything and destroy everything unless there are people around. They have been completly neglected. They almost never stop barking. Emily has barely been home these past few months. They may be cared for once a day if that. When she first moved in, she (like many before her) assumed that I would provide free animal care because I am disabled and at the house more than her. I told her after it was becoming apparent that I was not able to do this. She then paid others in the house to do this. My labor is always a free and exploited thing, of course. Then she stopped paying others and the dogs for months have been locked away in her room. Deficating and urinating in there and making a huge mess. They are so unhappy. Most of our conversations are about the dogs or being woken up. I have tried so many times, begging Emily to do something. The non-stop barking and wining every hour on a nightly basis is a nusance. She will say she is sorry and has done nothing to remedy this. She continues to neglect them or have the dogs in the presence of rowdy people and new dogs who rile them up. Others in the house have expressed the same sentiments. Emily generally has not followed thru on the things she has promised to do, and the same goes for most people in the house. Thus, house meetings continued to cover the same things that werent getting done until I finally told them that I refused to participate in house meetings. It was another drain on my labor to facilitate and plan the same meeting without follow through. So I did all the "to dos" and projects myself. Most of this involved physical labor, such as removing large objects, forming a gate, and cleaning the yard of large pallets and their party trash, clearing matresses, and so on. They did nothing to help. Finally, two months ago, I passed on the responsibility for paying rent and bills to Emily because I was at my breaking point. Most of the time people dont pay rent or bills. It's fucking not okay. I'm not a fucking bank. I exist on disability income while they all work/can work and spend their money on alchohol and molly. I've been dealing with this ontop of organizing and ontop of having almost zero will to exist. So Emily was taking our money and didn't pay any bills the entire time. If they took it, if they didnt have enough to cover bills, if they didn't communicate to us they need more money. I dont know and I dont care. I am facing shut off notices everyday and sadled with over $800 past due bills because of this. She continues to lie about paying them and does nothing. The bills she has said she paid are actually not paid. I have actual copies of the bills reflecting that as well as all her texts claiming that she paid them. She enabled the abuser by covering his rent and survivor-shamed by hiding the abuse from others in the house (along with other housemates). Last month, when rent was due, the money I gave her was missing. For 24 hours she wouldnt give me a straight answer as to where it was or if she had it. She strings me along saying things are paid and then I call the utilitiy the next day and find out she hasn't. This pattern has been going on for awhile and is exhausting. She will then spin elaborate stories to create conflict and to confuse the issue (not just about this, but everything). This is something all the folks in the house have been doing. They have been banding together to defend and enable an abuser and their own abusive behaviors. Sometimes I doubt my own reality. Lately I have been refusing to engage in their webs of lies. I've cut off all contact with them. ZOE SNIK- Zoe is someone I know from mutual friends in twac and also from shows. I had the most hope for them and am truelly sorry they are not seeing things clearly. They seemed somewhat supportive initially, but since I have taken action to kick Benjamin out of the house, they have been spreading actual lies about me online. They are best friends with Emily. They told me about the rape. When they did they did so, however, it was in a denialist way of shaming, dismissing, and denying the survivor's story. They and others said, "they were there" and thats not what happened. Or that the survivor was drunk at the time. After one or two initial conversations, Zoe refused to engage in further discussion about the abuse. Zoe has brought over many agro white cis dudes who have stayed for months. They continue to bring over folks who I specifically asked them not to, due to their aggressive behaviors toward me. These folks are always drunk when they are here. It makes me very uncomferable. They continued to bring groups of people over when specifically asked not to on a temporary basis because of how rowdy the house had been. I am the only one in this house who cleans or constantly picks up after the entire house and their beer cans, clearing other people's huge mattresses and yard couches. We havent had any spoons in the kitchen for many months. The past weeks, I've stopped cleaning up after them and no one did anything. During one telling incident (with past people), after we got an eviction notice, I cleaned the entire house and mowed the whole yard by myself as they sat on the porch smoking cigarettes. That literally happened. I've had to post desprate CraigsList ads. I trade my houseless friend weed in exhange for labor now. Recently Zoe dumped a moldy matreess that I specifically asked them not to dump in our yard/freepile, because I knew I'd be the one dealing with it, along with the others, right next to an actual no dumping sign that I made. After asking several times, I of course had to be the one to get rid of it. I empty the trash and do dishes. They virtually never contribute. I've explained how recylcing works a million times and im still having to sort thru our trash constantly because they don't care. With them having so many people over, I've never seen so much trash in the house. In the end, it is me dealing with it all and cleaning up after them all while being told that I'm being 'petty'. I maintain all the basics - I'm the sole person for years getting tiolet paper, soap, staple foods, ect. I have paid rent and bills and been in the constant state of being owed money. At times, two thosand dollars. It has taken me months to get repaid, only to have someone else not pay rent and me have to cover. Why is the one disabled person cleaning up after abelist messes? The air quality got so bad in here that the day has finally come. I am empyting bob myself (aka carrying up huge buckets of water from the basement upstairs). Fuck every last abelist bone in their body. Folks who support me have offered to help with this but asking someone to come do that seems like more time than it would for me to do it. This alone caused me alot of anxiety, then during this Emily felt entitled to take the dehumifier to her room. After spending days of trying to get outside help just to empty the thing, she has made it impossible. I texted her over the span of two days letting her know nicely that it needs to be returned, that it belongs to the house and I am having a real bad pain flare up because of her actions. First she didn't respond, then finally was snippy, and eventually moved it after the point where I lost my calm with her. Community members served a Restraining Order (RO) on Benjamin and are trying to find Jared. We went to great lengths to keep this within the community and not involve the police. If we did involve the police this would have been over already. Emily and Zoe will be evicted thru a community eviction. After serving an RO on Benjamin, both Zoe and Emily made posts on housing forums targetting me and attacking me for supporting survivors and making up lies about the situation. They have refused any accountability for their actions as to why they are being asked to leave. I am extremely worried about the past due bills that Emily has not paid on behalf of the house for months and making rent by April 1. I was planning on giving Zoe a second chance, despite their behaviors, because I saw hope in them working on this stuff. However, due to their lack of accountability and smear campaign against my name, that will no longer be the case.

[allthatwehear]

backpacking with a good gang.

I wish I was still there.

laying in the dark, envisioning there are a lot of stars above us, having difficulty getting any kind of sleep, feeling the hard pressure on my hips and some limbs falling asleep. other mornings, my morning fingers claw through my tightly zipped sleeping bag-head claustrophobically in the mornings, and I’m freaking out to get out, feel the cold air rush in all the sudden. I wish I was still fixing the beanie on my head, where it was probably covering my eyebrows, and peering sleepily over to my right to see Jon adjusting his shoes or something. he gave me an alert and attune “hi”, to which I croakily replied “hi” back, surprised that he would so chipperly goodmorning-me. I wish I was still nestling into my sleeping bag with the tent wide open, our little stove working desperately to warm our dinner-water, and laying on my back to stare at the clouds, Susy following suit. we laughed, probably too hard, at the shapes in the clouds we saw. Susy was very detailed and into the game. eventually I think we peaked Jon’s curiousity and he joined us, squeezing beside me. in another half hour, hour or so, all three of us are drifting to sleep - after climbing Big Jim mountain, a biggie, that day. I could feel the weight of Jon’s sides on me; we really were squished. soon he was heavily breathing. I never slept (do I ever?), but I was in that in-between state for awhile. I loved those simpler times: we were staring at clouds, playing games. just, staring at clouds. I don’t exactly know what happened on this trip. I wonder if Jon felt it too. some sort of strange connection, or perhaps his personality was like that of John Goodhew and frankly you couldn’t tell how he felt for someone in one moment or the next. but I wasn’t expecting him to be so attentive, or friendly, and talk and laugh at practically everything I said, so much. I didn’t picture myself wanting to get so close, and sort of be in his company. what do you do when you’re literally trying to get on your potential new-roommate’s good side, but you end up significantly bonding with their boyfriend, instead?? I hit my forehead just thinking about it; I met this (MUCH quieter), calm surfer guy sometime last winter, not yet dating Kysa, and I had no clue we would sing all the same songs, or he would finish the songs I started, or laugh at the phrases I made, or joke with me incessantly, or help me get over a fear of heights and concur a mountain, or let me wear his shoes, or take two giant bites of my ice cream.have him explain the different kinds of beers to me and agree that he liked the same kind; I didn’t imagine that at some points, I would start to lay in my sleeping bag and question Kysa and Jon’s relationship, who everybody and their mother shipped, knew of, glorified, supported, etc., and here I was, wondering if they were even good for each other, wondering if Kysa hated me because she seemed so aloof all the time, wondering if she was insecure or jealous, wondering if I would be a better fit for Jon then for her. What kind of hellish person am I? To be having some thoughts? And yet.. did Jon wonder the same? Does he think they he and Kysa are going to get married in a year, just as Kysa claimed in our housemate-zoom, to which we all squealed and gushed for her (as expected of us women when anyone says their relationship is going well.. right?). I mean, she wouldn’t tell us that without having that conversation with Jon first, right? Something just clicked on this trip, and I loved the way he laughed at me when I said stupid things. I loved how he made me feel witty, and joined in on my incessant song-singing, and laughed at my appropriate song-choices, and asked me a lot of questions about homeschooling and was so camaraderie with me. maybe this is just how he is. I’d heard, I guess, that he supposedly has some close friendships with girls? but has that changed, with how much time he has spent with Kysa...? I mean, they, according to her, had been spending nearly every day, weeks at a time alternating houses, with each other? Their love is obviously so sweet & so strong...? And yet...? Why did it feel like some sort of special attention; was he just trying to get to know me? Was Jon always the one who pushed Kysa to consider living with me? I couldn’t freaking tell: maybe it was Jon all along, and Kysa, considering her absolute infatuation for him, was sort of following what he said. These are all places my mind went. Stupid, most likely jealous, most likely imaginative and presumptuous places, maybe as a way to fantasize something I wish were true. Perhaps this is all to say that I pray that God gives me someone like Jon. Maybe this is all to say that God gave me a taste of what it feels like to be tickled by and laughed at, and how good that felt to me. To set an alarm at 2AM because I wanted to see the stars as badly as he did; he croaked “sarah”, then pause, and I said “yeah”, then, “do you want to see them?”, another pause, “yeah”, and he crept out, waking Susy and Kysa. I dont know, there was just this bond, and I am frustrated because I want to be his friend but I don’t want to develop stronger feelings because that is just wildly inappropriate and I don’t even know if Kysa likes me and maybe what her aloofness is is slight threaten by me like I don’t even freaking know, you know???? Perhaps there is a reason why Kysa mostly has friends who are couples: there is no threat there, when they each already have somebody they love. I heard her say on the hikes that sometimes she feels a pressure to follow the status-quo of marriage, that whole timeline, and I wondered if that was what she was trying so hard to follow with Jon, and I wondered if she recognized that she was sort of doing what she just admitted she was afraid to have pressure on herself about. 

But I liked Jon because he was spunky and intuitive and smart; he loved the mountains and he looked good in beanies and he’d talk in a lot of funny voices like me. He was really outgoing and liked to talk with people while we gasped for breath climbing up switchbacks. He was friendly and good at conversation. He also noticed things and he noticed you and would pipe up or have an answer for your question: you never felt judged or too silly, even. He was curious, too, and he was lively and obviously liked the big adventure stuff. He plays the banjo (lol) and he listens to bluegrass. Did he feel what I felt? Did I offend him by not giving him a hug after our adventures together? Did Kysa and him feel anything weird? What on earth is next year going to look like? 

Will God drop a cute country, mountain man in my lap who will finish the songs I sing, laugh at the ones that pop into my head, encourage me to climb mountains and push past my demons, tell me I’m brave for writing about my story, hold my grief in his hands and say we’ll get through it together? Will he give me a future that looks as beautiful (both physically) and seamless (easy, expected) as Kysa & Jon’s, as Annaliese and Austin’s? Will they be deep and soulful, and talk to me in our sleeping bags when I can’t fall asleep, and listen to me discuss all the issues of my family and not run away or hide from those topics? Will God give me a man who I don’t have to worry thinks or wrestles about porn because he’s done with it; who loves nature and will take me out in it, into the waves and on long trips with mexican blankets wrinkled in the trunk? Will we drink hot cocoa/coffee at 6am when the sun wakes us, and talk about the log cabins we hope to live in one day? See with Jon I didn’t realize a person like that was real. But he is; they are: I stared them in the face and watched the dream-husband, dream-man blosom in front of me. I realized backpacking, with Maurice the goat and two days of no sleep and cold noses in the morning and bleary-star-gazing a glimpse of the kind of man I hope God gives me. I hope he listens to folk, mandolin music and sings it to me, I hope he makes me sing with him, I hope we wear big fuzzy pullovers and read books or poetry. I hope he indulges in the simple and likes to talk about anything and everything. I hope he will tell me how beautiful he thinks I am. I hope we will raise kids who are true and honest, and free to express their feelings. I hope he is sensitive and likes to talk about his feelings. I hope he has somewhat of a past so I don’t feel so alone in my terribly broken one, and we can help with the gapes and mend with each other’s independent stitching materials. I hope he has shaggy hair that I can ruffle inbetween my fingers. I hope that he has kind of hairy arms. I hope that he is not perfect and thinks thoughtfully on his mistakes, because he feels regret and doesn’t want to make them again. I hope he will teach me to hold on and to love myself, too, and that I am worthy & a really cool person. I hope he has a soft smile or a twinkle in his eye. I hope when we’re old, he’ll still sing me the songs he did when we were kids and young and healthy and crazy, climbing physical mountains together. I hope he’ll grab my hands and slow-dance with me, like we will at our wedding. I hope he likes Ray LaMontagne and scratchy-voiced singers. 

God please grant me this man. Please grant me a gentle loving, soft, serene, pretty, feeling, tender man. Please let him be my bestfriend before my boyfriend. Please let him be real. Please let this happen. Please let me have that happy ever after ending, too -- let it not just be a reality for the “perfect” folks. Please, please let it be a reality for the broken, “imperfect” ones, too.