#i was thinking 'this is just like star rail!'

[eu-nicola]

star girl

summary: you were always in love with JJ and when he finally noticed you, someone had to appear to make him take his attention off of you.

warnings: nothing

word counter: 5403

author’s note: english is not my first language, unfortunately I don't know what's going on and i can't tag anyone.

The first time you realized you had a crush on JJ Maybank, you were nine years old. It was a hot afternoon on the Outer Banks, and everyone was at the beach. John B and the other boys were competing to see who could run the fastest to the pier. You, as always, were sitting on the sand, watching from a distance, knees drawn to your chest, wanting to be a part of his world. 

You couldn't take your eyes off JJ. His carefree smile, the sparkle in his blue eyes, the messy blonde hair that seemed to catch the sunlight. Even at that age, there was something special about him, an energy that drew you in without you being able to help it. While John B protected you like the older brother he was, you dreamed that one day JJ would look at you the way he looked at the ocean waves: with admiration, with interest. But for years, that day never came. 

To him, you were always John B’s little sister, a constant but almost invisible presence in his life. The girl who ran after the Pogues, who listened to their stories from the corner of the room, laughing when everyone else did, but who never got a special glance from JJ.

Until that night.

It was at one of those impromptu parties at the Routledge house, with the sound of the ocean in the background and lights hanging on the porch. The air was heavy with salt and laughter, and you had decided, almost without thinking, that tonight would be different. You had spent hours choosing what to wear, looking for a balance between casual and what might catch his attention. The short dress you chose was simple, but it knew how to highlight your subtle curves, the ones JJ had never noticed before.

When you got to the backyard, the party was already in full swing. Kie was dancing with Sarah near the fire pit, and John B was busy talking to Pope about a new adventure. But you weren’t looking for either of them. There was only one person on your mind.

You saw him leaning against the porch railing, a beer in his hand, talking to a blonde girl you didn’t know. Your heart sank for a moment. Sure, he was with another girl. He was always with some girl. But instead of turning around and giving up, something in you decided that this time you weren’t going to stay in the shadows.

You walked towards the group confidently, feigning a confidence you didn’t really feel, but that seemed to convince everyone. JJ saw you approach, and for the first time, his eyes stopped on you, not in passing, not as his best friend’s sister, but as someone who, for some reason, deserved his attention.

“Do you want a beer?�� he offered, with that crooked smile that had always driven you crazy.

“Sure,” you replied with an equally confident smile, though inside your heart was pounding.

They spent the night talking, laughing, sharing glances you hadn’t imagined possible. It wasn’t just the beer; it was the way his fingers brushed yours as he passed you a bottle, the way his eyes roamed your face as if he were seeing it for the first time. He made you feel alive, wanted.

And then, close to midnight, when everyone was too busy to notice, he led you away from the hustle and bustle, to the back of the house, where the shadows met the moonlight.

“I always thought you were different,” he murmured, his voice low, his eyes fixed on yours.

“Different how?” you asked, barely breathing, afraid it was all a dream.

“I don’t know… I’ve never seen you like this before. But now I can’t stop looking at you.”

And then he kissed you. It was gentle at first, like he was testing something he had been waiting to discover. Your hands gripped his shirt, pulling him closer, afraid that if you let go, the moment would fade. 

Ever since that night at the party, your relationship with JJ became a secret that throbbed between the two of you, hidden in the margins of your lives. When you were around others, he was still the same JJ: charismatic, carefree, the boy who joked with John B and made everyone laugh. But in those moments when his eyes met yours, there was something different. Something that only you two shared. 

The escapades began to become more frequent. At first, they were small encounters: a furtive glance from across the room, the purposeful brush of your hands as you passed him a bottle, or a smile that disappeared as quickly as it had come. But over time, those stolen moments stopped being enough. 

There were nights when JJ would send you a short, simple text: “Meet you at the dock.” And you, unable to resist, would sneak out of the house while John B slept, slipping through the shadows until you reached him. There, under the dim light of the stars and the sound of the waves crashing against the wood, JJ would wait for you. Always with that mischievous smile, always with the promise of making you forget the world for a while.

“Do you ever wonder what would happen if John B knew?” you asked one night, as you both sat on the edge of the dock, your feet dangling over the water.

JJ looked at you, his smile fading for a moment. He knew the question was going to come sooner or later.

“He’d probably kill me,” he replied with a soft laugh, but there was a truth in his words that made you shudder.

“I know,” you murmured, fiddling with a loose thread on the sleeve of your sweatshirt. It was the reality that always hung over the both of you, a cloud that never quite went away.

JJ slipped his arm around your waist, pulling you closer. His fingers traced soft circles on your skin, as if he wanted to calm your thoughts.

“But I also know I can’t stop looking at you,” he whispered close to your ear. “I don’t want to.”

His words hit you with a mix of excitement and fear. Because even though JJ was impulsive, and sometimes he didn’t think about the consequences, you knew his feelings were real. He didn’t say it to make you feel good, but because he truly meant it.

There were always boundaries, though. They never talked about the future, never wondered what they were to each other. Everything stayed in the present, in what they could steal from each other while no one was looking. And even though you wanted more—more of his touch, more of his glances, more of his time—there was a part of you that was afraid to ask for it.

There were days when reality hit you harder. Like when you saw him flirting with other girls at parties, his easy smile and undeniable charm melting hearts in its wake. You knew he’d always been like that, and that, in theory, you had no right to feel jealous. It wasn’t anything serious.

But it hurt.

“Why does it bother you?” he asked you once, after you confronted him about spending too much time with a girl at a party.

“I don’t know…” you lied, but you both knew the truth.

JJ looked at you with those blue eyes that seemed to see right through you. He moved in slowly, his fingers brushing your cheek before he cupped your chin, forcing you to look at him.

“You’re the one who’s here with me now” he whispered, his lips just inches from yours. “Not her.”

And when he kissed you, all your thoughts faded away, at least for a moment.

But reality always came back.

Despite the doubts that lingered in your head, you kept looking at JJ. Because even though there were no promises, even though he never assured you anything, you were willing to settle for what he gave you. It was enough… or at least, that’s what you tried to convince yourself.

But then, she showed up.

Her name was Emma. She wasn’t the type that usually hung out in the Outer Banks, nor some random girl who showed up at parties. She was new to the island, with a dazzling smile and a carefree air that caught everyone’s attention… including JJ.

The first time you saw her was at one of those beach gatherings, where all the Pogues and a few Kooks mingled. You were sitting near Kie and Sarah, enjoying the warmth of the fire, when you noticed her. Tall, blonde, with the kind of confidence that seemed to light up the place she was in.

But what really made you tense was seeing how JJ looked at her. It was a look you recognized all too well. The same one he’d started giving you in those first few encounters. The same one that had made you feel visible, wanted.

And now, that look was directed at someone else.

You swallowed the lump in your throat and tried to ignore it, telling yourself it meant nothing. JJ had always been charming with girls, always flirted. But there was a difference this time. Emma wasn’t just another one.

“Are you okay?” Sarah asked you, noticing your silence.

“Yes, everything is fine” you lied, forcing a smile that barely managed to convince her.

That night, JJ spent most of his time with Emma. He helped her light a new fire, offered her a beer, and when she laughed at one of his jokes, you felt something snap inside you.

He barely looked at you.

You tried not to give it any importance, thinking it was just one night. That the next day, things would go back to the way they were. But they didn't.

From that point on, Emma showed up at every party, every impromptu get-together, and JJ always found an excuse to get close to her. It seemed like the whole world had shrunk to that girl… except for you.

There was one afternoon when everyone decided to go surfing. You were used to seeing JJ in the water, seeing how his smile lit up when he challenged the waves. But that day, instead of being by your side, he was teaching Emma how to balance on the board. She was laughing nervously, and he was completely focused on her, as if nothing else mattered.

You felt the air grow heavy, like you couldn’t breathe. And though you tried to stay calm, it was hard not to notice how your presence had ceased to be relevant to him.

Later, as everyone relaxed on the sand, JJ walked over to where you were sitting alone, drawing circles in the sand with his fingers.

“Hey, what’s wrong? You’ve been really quiet lately,” he said, his carefree smile on, as if he hadn’t noticed anything.

Of course he hadn’t noticed.

“Nothing. I’m fine,” you murmured, not meeting his eyes.

“Are you sure?” he insisted, leaning slightly towards you, as if he wanted to figure out what you weren’t saying.

“Yeah, JJ. I’m fine,” you said more firmly, even though you knew it was an obvious lie.

He looked at you for a second longer, as if he was about to say something, but then Emma called out to him from the shore. And without a second thought, JJ stood up and walked away, leaving behind a void that seemed to grow ever larger.

That night, there was no “See you at the dock” text.

You stayed in your room, staring at the ceiling, wondering when Emma became his center of attention.

The next few days were silent torment. Emma kept showing up everywhere, and JJ was still by her side, oblivious to you. Every time you saw them together, every time you heard his laughter mixing with hers, you felt like you might… you didn’t even know.

Until one night, when the tension became unbearable, JJ found you alone on the dock, the same place where it had all started. He sat down next to you, the sound of the water breaking the silence between you.

“I’ve noticed you’ve been distant,” he said, glancing at you out of the corner of your eye. “Is something going on?”

You looked at him, and for the first time, you couldn’t hold it in any longer.

“You really don’t notice, JJ?” you asked, your voice filled with a mix of frustration and hurt.

“Notice what?” he replied, genuinely confused, as if everything that was going on between you had been invisible to him.

And there, at that moment, you understood. JJ Maybank was an idiot.

“Forget it,” you whispered, getting up from the spot and walking in another direction.

JJ watched you leave for a second longer, wanting to understand, but in the end, he simply stayed silent. Because to him, everything was fine.

The next day dawned hot, and the beach seemed like the only logical place to spend the afternoon. The boys had decided to surf, while you, Sarah, and Kie settled down on the sand, towels spread out and sunglasses covering your faces. The sun was beating down, and although you tried to relax and concentrate on the light conversation your friends were having, your gaze inevitably sought out JJ.

You found him quickly. It wasn’t hard. He was in the water, near the waves, with Emma. She was laughing, splashing as he helped her stabilize on the board, like he’d done with you so many times before. There was an ease in the way JJ moved with her, like nothing in the world could interrupt them. And it hurt more than you were willing to admit.

“Are you burning?” Kie asked, breaking you out of your thoughts.

“Oh? No… I’m fine,” you answered quickly, adjusting your sunglasses to hide the frown you hadn’t been able to help.

You tried to stay present, to laugh at the right moments, to talk about anything but what was really bothering you. But your eyes kept returning to JJ and Emma, ​​like they were impossible magnets to control. Every laugh from her, every smile from him, stuck in you like a needle.

After a while, you got tired. Tired of pretending you didn’t care.

“I’m going to the water to cool off a bit,” you announced, getting up from your towel and brushing the sand off your legs.

“I’ll join you in a bit,” Sarah said, but you were already walking toward the shore.

The water was cool, an immediate relief from the scorching heat. You waded in up to your ankles, letting the small waves splash against your feet as you stared at the horizon. You took a deep breath, trying to drown out that feeling of discomfort that had been haunting you for days.

The sound of footsteps approaching behind you made you turn your head slightly. JJ.

“Aren’t you going to go any further in?” he asked, with that lazy smile he always seemed to have.

You didn’t answer. Instead, you continued to stare at the water, as if he wasn’t there. As if his presence didn’t affect you.

JJ didn’t seem to be put off by your silence. He moved closer, until he was close enough for his feet to touch the water as well.

“Are you mad at me?” he asked in a nonchalant tone, as if it was all a game to him.

“No, JJ. I’m not mad,” you murmured, not looking at him.

But he knew you well enough to know that wasn’t true. There was a moment of silence, and then, you felt it. His hand brushing your back, his fingers playing with the thin strap of your bikini.

“What are you doing?” you asked, turning to look at him, but it was too late. With a quick, precise movement, JJ peeled off the top strap of your bikini.

“JJ!” “Oh,” you exclaimed, heart racing as you scrambled to hold the fabric to your chest, keeping it from falling. Your eyes filled with a mix of disbelief and anger.

He laughed, that carefree laugh that always seemed to come out of him so easily.

“Relax, no one saw,” he said, quickly looking around. It was true. Sarah and Kie were still talking to each other on the sand, and everyone else was busy in their own worlds. No one was paying attention… except you.

“Why did you do that?” you asked, your voice steady, trying to stay calm as you tied your bikini back up.

JJ shrugged, that mischievous spark in his eyes.

“I wanted to see how you tanned.”

The answer made you boil inside. What was a light joke to him was an invasion to you, a reminder of how he always seemed to take everything lightly, even when you were at the edge of an emotional abyss.

You stared at him, your eyes burning.

“Why don’t you check to see if Emma has tanned?” you shot back, an edge to your voice that you couldn’t hide.

JJ raised an eyebrow, surprised by your response. The amusement on his face faded for a second, replaced by something that looked like curiosity.

“Are you jealous?” he asked, tilting his head, studying you like you were a puzzle he hadn’t finished putting together.

Jealous. The word hung in the air, heavy, loaded with meaning. Of course you were, but you would never admit it to him. Not to him. Not after how he’d been ignoring you.

“Don’t make me laugh, JJ,” you said sarcastically, crossing your arms over your chest. “Why would I be jealous? What you do with Emma is none of my business, is it?”

You saw him tense, if only for a second. But JJ was JJ, and he quickly returned to his carefree facade.

“You’re right,” he said, a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “It’s none of your business.”

The coldness of his words hit you harder than you expected. You felt a lump in your throat, but you refused to show him how much it had affected you.

“Exactly,” you said firmly, giving him one last look before turning and walking away from him, back towards the beach.

As you walked away, you could feel his gaze on your back. But you didn’t look back. Because even though a part of you wanted him to follow you, to say something, anything to show that he cared, you knew he wouldn’t.

After that day at the beach, something changed inside you. It was like you had finally crossed a line that had no way back. You could no longer pretend that what JJ did didn’t affect you, that his indifference didn’t hurt you. So you decided to stop trying.

You would ignore him.

Every time he came close, you would walk away. Whenever he made a group comment, you just looked away. And if he ever tried to start a conversation with you, your answers were short, curt, just enough for him to understand that you didn’t want anything from him.

But it was a lie.

You didn’t hate him. You couldn’t. Not when you still felt that flutter in your stomach every time you saw him smile, or when his laugh, the one that seemed to fill all the space around him, reached your ears. But you wanted him to think you hated him. You wanted him to feel, at least a little, the rejection you had felt.

The first time you deliberately ignored him was at a meeting. You were sitting on the couch, surrounded by friends, when JJ walked in, as always, with an energy that seemed to light up the room.

“Hey,” he greeted, with that easy smile that used to make you melt.

“Hey,” everyone answered, except you.

You didn’t even look up. You just kept looking at your phone, as if he wasn’t there.

He noticed. You knew because he paused for a second, like he was waiting for you to say something. But when you didn’t, he moved toward the group, his smile barely faltering.

Later, he tried to approach you again. You were in the kitchen, pouring yourself a drink, when you felt him behind you.

“Are you hiding from me?” he asked in a light, almost mocking tone.

“I don’t have to hide from anyone, JJ,” you replied without looking at him, your voice so cold it almost surprised you.

He leaned against the door frame, crossing his arms over his chest as he watched you. It was his classic move, the carefree guy one, but you weren’t willing to fall for it anymore.

“Why aren’t you talking to me?” he finally asked, his tone more serious.

“I have nothing to tell you,” you replied, focusing back on your drink.

“Nothing?” he insisted, taking a step closer. Not even to tell me why you're acting like I did something terrible to you?

You turned to face him, your eyes meeting his. It was hard to stand your ground when he was so close, when you could feel his presence enveloping you.

“I’m not acting. I just have no interest in talking to you. That’s all.”

“Are you sure?” JJ asked, a spark of defiance in his eyes. “Because it seems more like you’re avoiding me.”

You shot him a look loaded with intent.

“JJ, it’s not all about you. You’re not as important as you think.”

The lie came out more bitter than you expected. Because, actually, it was. He’d always been important to you, but you refused to admit it.

JJ fell silent, as if he were evaluating your words. Finally, he let out a low laugh, the laugh that used to enchant you but now only seemed to infuriate you.

“Okay,” he said, holding up his hands in surrender. “If that’s what you want, I’ll leave you alone.”

“Perfect,” you replied, turning your back on him and walking out of the kitchen before he could say anything else.

But it wasn’t as easy as you thought. Ignoring him took more effort than you anticipated. Because JJ wasn’t the type to accept being ignored easily. He was still looking for excuses to get close to you, to invade your space with his unmistakable presence.

There was one afternoon at the beach when you were with Sarah and Kie, laughing and enjoying the sun, when he appeared with his surfboard under his arm. He stopped near where you were standing, as if he was looking for something… or someone.

“You coming to the water?” he asked, addressing the group, but with his eyes on you.

“No. We’re fine here,” Kie replied before you could speak.

But JJ didn’t move. He just stood there, staring at you as if he was waiting for a specific answer. One that never came.

Finally, he turned around and walked towards the water, but not before giving you one last look, as if he was trying to figure out the wall you had put up between you.

The tension between you had grown like a storm about to break loose. Ignoring him had been your strategy, and JJ had played his part at first. But like everything involving him, it couldn’t last long. You were both too impulsive, too passionate to keep pretending you didn’t care.

The opportunity for it all to explode came at one of the parties that always seemed to bring everyone together. With loud music, flashing lights, and the beach in the background. The air was charged with energy, but you were tense from the moment you arrived. You knew JJ would be there, and even though you had spent days perfecting the skill of ignoring him, something told you that tonight would be different.

You leaned against a wall near the kitchen, holding a glass in your hand, watching the crowd dance and laugh. Sarah and Kie were nearby, talking to some guys, but you weren’t in the mood to socialize. Your gaze, as always, sought him out. And you found him.

JJ was there, in the center of the room, laughing with his friends and… with Emma. She was beside him, too close, laughing at something he had said. It was a scene you had seen repeated too many times in the past few weeks, and it hurt more and more each time.

You tried to ignore it, as you had been doing, but that night it was harder. Something inside you was on the verge of breaking.

“Are you okay?” Kie asked, coming closer.

“Yeah, sure,” you lied, giving her a forced smile.

She looked at you curiously, but didn’t insist. She didn’t want to talk about JJ. She didn’t want to think about him… but it was impossible not to.

A couple of hours later, the party was still at its peak. You had decided to go out to the backyard to get some fresh air. The cool breeze was a relief against the heat you felt inside. You were standing, staring at the waves in the distance, when you heard him.

“Are you going to keep avoiding me all night?”

JJ’s voice.

You didn’t need to turn around to know he was behind you. You could feel his presence, so familiar and so frustrating. You pressed your lips together and took a deep breath before slowly turning around.

“I didn’t know I had to talk to you, JJ,” you replied coldly, crossing your arms over your chest.

He looked at you, his blue eyes shining with that mix of confusion and determination that always managed to disarm you. But this time you refused to fall.

“Really?” he asked, taking a step closer. “Are you going to keep doing this? Because I’m tired. I’m tired of you ignoring me, of you acting like I don’t exist.”

You stared at him, your heart pounding. You had expected that confrontation, but now that it was here, you didn’t know if you were ready to face it.

“And what did you expect me to do, JJ?” you asked, your voice rising slightly. “Keep pretending everything was okay? Because it’s not.”

He frowned, crossing his arms.

“Pretending? What are you talking about? Everything was fine until you started acting like you hated me.”

The word “hate” made you shudder. It wasn’t hate, it never had been, but you wanted him to believe it.

“I don’t hate you, JJ,” you said, voice softer this time, but still laden with emotion. “What bothers me is that… you just don’t realize it.”

“Realize what?” he asked, genuinely interested now, his tone more serious.

That was the moment. You could feel it in the air, like everything around you had stopped, waiting for your answer.

“About how I feel about you.” The words came out before you could stop them, and once they were said, there was no going back. “I’ve had feelings for you for a long time, JJ. And every time you ignore me, every time I see you with Emma or any other girl… it hurts.” It hurts more than I can bear.

JJ stared at you, as if he was processing every word. For a moment, he didn’t say anything, and that silence was worse than any answer.

“I didn’t know…” he finally murmured, his voice seeming softer, more vulnerable.

“How could you know?” you said, a bitter laugh escaping your lips. “You never looked at me like that. I was always John B’s sister, or just another friend. I was never enough for you, was I?”

He shook his head, taking a step closer. He was in front of you now, so close you could feel his heat.

“Don’t say that. It’s not true.”

“No?” you asked, challenging him with your gaze. “Because that’s how you’ve made me feel.”

JJ raised his hand, hesitating for a moment before gently placing it on your cheek. The contact was electric, as always, but this time you weren’t about to let that confuse you.

“You are more than enough.” You always have been… but I’m the idiot who didn’t see it.” His voice was sincere, full of something you hadn’t heard before: regret.

“JJ…” You whispered his name, your eyes searching for his, but this time there were no barriers. Everything was there, exposed.

And for the first time, there were no more games, no more lies. Just the two of you, face to face, with the truth finally spoken.

JJ looked at you with an intensity you had rarely seen in him. His blue eyes were fixed on yours, and for an instant, everything around you disappeared. It was just the two of you, with the truth floating in the air, no masks, no games.

“I’m sorry,” he finally said, his voice low, but full of emotion. “I never wanted to make you feel that way.”

Despite the emotions bubbling in your chest, a part of you still resisted. You had spent so much time building that wall between you that letting it fall suddenly made you feel vulnerable, exposed.

“JJ…” you started, but he didn’t let you continue.

“Listen to me.” His hand was still on your cheek, and his thumb traced a light circle on your skin, sending a shiver through your body. “I don’t know when I started feeling this… the way I feel about you. But it’s there. I know it now, and I don’t want to ignore it anymore. I don’t want to lose you anymore.”

Your heart skipped a beat. You had dreamed of hearing something like this so many times that it seemed unreal now.

“What about Emma?” you asked, your voice still heavy with caution. “You seem pretty interested in her lately.”

JJ frowned slightly, as if the mere mention of Emma was irrelevant at the moment.

“Emma doesn’t mean anything.” His answer was firm, sincere.

His words made a wave of heat run through you. For a moment, you wanted to believe him, but there was still a part of you that wanted to hold on to the resentment, to the distance you had kept. It was easier than giving yourself over completely.

JJ noticed your hesitation, and with a mischievous smile that you knew well, he added:

“You know, I like it when you ignore me… but I prefer it when you talk to me.”

You couldn’t help but laugh a little, shaking your head. His ability to disarm you with a simple sentence was still intact.

“Don’t get used to this, JJ.” Your eyes met his, a spark of defiance flashing in them. “I may go back to hating you. It was more fun.”

He laughed, genuine and carefree, as if your words were exactly what he needed to hear.

“I doubt it.” He leaned in slightly, getting so close that his breath brushed your lips. “But if you do… I promise I’ll find a way to make you like me again.”

The world seemed to stop for a second. The air between you was thick with tension, but this time it wasn’t the same tension you’d been carrying around for weeks. This time it was different. It was something new, something real.

And when JJ finally closed the distance, brushing your lips against his in a slow kiss filled with everything that had been left unsaid, you knew that no matter how hard you tried to resist, there was no turning back. You were lost in him, as always, but this time he was lost in you too.

[bengiyo]

Ben's Big BL Blurb 3: Blue Canvas of Youthful Days Blew It, But I Still Recommend It

I finished Blue Canvas of Youthful Days today, and I don’t like where we left off with this show. Let’s get into that, and then check in on some of the other shows I’m watching.

Blue Canvas of Youthful Days Didn’t Give the Audience Catharsis

I don’t begrudge the show going for a happy ending, given how so many other BLs from their home country end with sudden traumatic turns. However, I don’t feel like we got catharsis from the ending at all. I struggle to full articulate my frustration here, but I think I just really wanted an ending akin to Weekend (2011) or Gameboys 2 (2022).

I think these two were in a position where they were unable to be together now, and I think they should have ended on a separation. When Cairo and Gav had to separate at the end of Gameboys, it was the correct choice. They were still building their lives, and Gav wasn’t doing well on his on. Similarly, Blue Canvas established a scenario whereby Qi Lu did not have the power to stop his father from harming Qin Xiao. Likewise, Qin Xiao couldn’t keep the local gang from beating Qi Lu.

I would have preferred they have the boys confront that they were hiding things from each other, and how they both failed to protect each other from the horrors. I am disappointed that we didn’t get a poignant goodbye from them as they accept that they can’t be together right now. I wouldn’t have minded so much a blurb at the end of the show with the pitch for a season 2 that they didn’t get to film (though @thisonelikesaliens commentary makes even what they wrote dour). We didn’t confront the issue with the dad at all, and we didn’t deal with Qin Xiao losing all he’d worked for.

Genuinely, I would have been okay with them getting a tag at the end of the show with them seeing each other on the street again and sharing a meaningful look. However, we never saw them face the music of their double noble idiocy, and that sucks. It especially sucks because we had Let Free The Curse of Taekwondo this year, and so we saw the consequences of this. We could have had these two railing against the world and promising to see each other again. The tag at the end of the reuse of the fantasy sequence feels tacked on and unearned. That kinda sucks more.

Final Verdict: 8, Recommended With Reservations. I really liked most of this show, and I think they wrote some phenomenal characters until the finale here. Like @lurkingshan I ended up not pleased with this ending. I am disappointed in the lack of resolution about the withholding, and I think they needed to face the separation and goodbye. However, I really liked the cast, and I respect the team that worked so hard to get this to us.

On to the rest of the show, presented in no particular order…starting with the worst. I’ll put in parentheses what episode number I’m on as of this post.

Haunted Hearts is Boring (5/7)

Magic, mah friend! Your show is boring. I do not know why these boys won’t kiss, and at this point I feel like I don’t care anymore. They’re introducing yet another ghost next week and I just am so disinvested. I try so hard every time to support Oxin Films and Regal Entertainment, but they make it so fucking hard. Holy shit. There’s only so far the boys being cute can carry a thin concept like this.

City of Stars is Better Than I Expected (2/12)

I am catching up on this show. The acting isn’t great, but I’m really enjoying a lot of what’s happening here. I will report back when I finish.

See Your Love is Fun But Kinda Weird (7/13)

The visuals are great in this show, and the leads are filling in the aesthetic gap left behind by Jimmy and Tommy in a way that really works for me. There’s been way too many pratfalls in the last two episodes. We are at 1.5 pratfalls per episode at this point. The side couple is absolutely ridiculous. I’m having fun.

Caged Again is Becoming a Favorite (4/10)

Junior is the best protagonist of the year. I’m obsessed with this penguin boy. I love the way this show uses its supernatural elements to drive its storytelling forward, even if I think the plot got a little silly in episode 4. The friend group dynamics are so fun, and I haven’t enjoyed a group of Thai boys this much since Knock Knock, Boys! (no surprise, two of them are in this show, too).

Your Sky is a Weekly Delight (3/12)

The 2gether rewrite show is great, and I will be reading no commentary to the contrary. These boys are so great, and they are one of the best couples of the year. This show is doing fake dating in a way that’s just so excellent, because it’s real dating! The boys are genuinely trying to get know each other so they can pretend to be a better fake couple. This is so close to being excellent meta commentary about dating in the digital age, and how so much of dating for the current generation is about how others perceive the validity of your relationship. It’s actually so fun to watch a show where the characters are doing all the things you’re supposed to do when you’re trying to build something with someone, but one of them doesn’t fully understand what they’ve gotten into. This show is great, and I love it.

Love in the Air: Koi no Yokan is so Slick (5/10)

If there’s one thing a Japanese drama is going to get right it’s trauma! This show delivered on Kai’s horrors in a way that was so visceral that I needed to pause and catch a breath. I remain obsessed with the casting of Nagatsuma Reo as Kai, because he’s taller than Suzuki Asahi sometimes. I really love that they didn’t give us the BL height difference trope, and I like that they didn’t style Kai in a way to make him look more feminine. There’s a egalitarian physical balance between Fuma and Kai that I find extremely refreshing, considering the massive class, wealth, and suffering gap between the two characters. It’s no surprise that we’ve had a dearth of gifs of their sex scene, considering it doesn’t play to the kind of asymmetric aesthetics that folks seem enjoy in their pairings.

As always, the Rei and Kai friendship remains one of the best parts of this story, and I like the way this version of Sky talks to this version of Rain about the queer stuff. He feels like he’s being careful with his friend, and not just ghosting him on important conversations about his friend’s sexual awakening (one of my major gripes with the original Thai adaptation).

Our Youth is Taking Over My Brain (4/11)

I have not moved on from the “Infect me” line, and I am still obsessed with the plausible deniability of the “no homo” that Hirukawa relies upon as he continues to pursue Minase. Now that Minase has reached his breaking point, I’m so looking forward to seeing where we go next. We’re due for a major separation, and I’m ready for a Japanese BL to not fuck up a second chance romance attempt this time. Perhaps adapting Korean work could the solution?

Spare Me Your Mercy is a Welcome Return to the Sammon Feeling I Enjoy (1/10)

I just really love when Sammon shows feel like the mystery matters more than the romance, and this feels like it’s in the correct space. I loved the initial setup, and the potential for there to be multiple murderers. I really hope that they start killing younger people in this show, because they said there were only 40 palliative care patients, and we downed three of them in the first episode. I’m so happy to see JJ again, and Tor looks great. I am looking forward to the weekly watch and theorizing with this show. Most importantly, I’m looking forward to the complex meditation on euthanasia, which this story feels like it’s taking seriously.

Love is Like a Poison Finally has Given Us a BL Battle Couple Again (11/12)

We haven’t had a BL battle couple in what feels like forever. I love that this show continues to reward us for believing in Haruto and Shiba. Haruto’s dad is the absolute worst, and I really want him to lose. I love Shiba, and I love that the show continues to give him some of the visual tropes of a legal drama (like the pan up near the end). I’m in love with this show, and it’s going to be one of my favorites of the year, I’m sure.

Fragrance You Inherit Hurts Me Because Everyone is Doing The Right Thing (4/8)

This show is actually so painful sometimes, because no one is doing anything wrong. Everyone is being as emotionally honest as they can be with everyone they speak to about all of the things that are going on. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with Sakura choosing to let go of her lingering crush on Mone now that they’re both moms and their kids are dating. Besides, we presume that Mone is still married! The conversation with On-chan makes me think that Mone misunderstood the relationship Sakura had with him in college (My man is ace but not aro! We love to see it).

I just really love that everyone is trying to do right by everyone around them, and I think all of the things that remain unspoken in this show have been withheld for completely valid reasons. There are no villains in this story, and that makes it even harder to watch really kind people treat each other politely in every scene. I’m just feeling a quiet scream in me the entire time I watch a good son by a thoughtful gift for his loving mother with the help of his supportive and lovely girlfriend, as he prepares a surprise from the old friend who clearly still cares about her friend and the unrequited/unexpressed feelings between them. This show is incredible. Go watch it right now. Thank you again to @isaksbestpillow.

Conclusion

That’s more shows than I’ve been watching in a while. It’s nice to have some Thai shows back in my rotation that I’m actually enjoying. I really want the Chinese to now fuck up their endings, but it seems like 2024 will not be that year. I’ll try to check in with the end of Love is Like a Poison when the Netflix release schedule completes so folks can binge it then. In the mean time, let me know what you’re enjoying, and what else I should consider picking up.

[liyue-harbour]

where stars can't reach

sunday x reader. astral express sunday

summary: you and sunday find yourselves on the observation deck on the express on a sleepless night. amidst the hum of the express car and the infinite expanse of space, a candid discussion about regrets, choices, and the meaning of the trailblaze brings you closer.

the observation deck of the astral express was dim, illuminated only by the faint glow of the stars streaking past outside. you leaned against the glass railing, arms folded, watching the endless cascade of light. the train's hum filled the quiet— a constant, steady rhythm that felt like the heartbeat of something alive.

it was peaceful, or at least it should have been. but tonight, your thoughts were restless, looping endlessly over the events of penacony and the strange, quiet man who had chosen to stay. the sound of soft footsteps drew your attention. you didn't have to look to know who it was.

"couldn't sleep either?" you asked, your voice low.

sunday stepped into view, his coat gone, replaced by a loose sweater that made him seem... softer somehow. less like the enigmatic enforcer of the order and more like someone trying to figure out what to do next.

"guess not," he said simply, moving to stand beside you. he rested his forearms on the railing, gaze fixed on the stars outside. for a while, neither of you spoke. the silence wasn't uncomfortable, but it wasn't entirely comfortable either. it carried the weight of unspoken things, of questions you weren't sure you wanted to ask.

"how does it feel?" you asked finally, breaking the stillness. "being here, i mean."

sunday's lips twitched in a faint smirk. "different."

you turned to look at him, raising an eyebrow. “that’s all i get? just ‘different’?”

he shrugged, gaze never leaving the stars outside. "not much else to say. it's... quieter than i expected."

you laughed softly, shaking your head. "quieter? on the express? have you met march and the trailblazer?"

he huffed out a laugh, low and barely audible, but it was there. “fair point.” the quiet settled again, but this time it felt lighter, less heavy. you leaned back against the railing, tilting your head to watch him.

“do you regret it?” you asked, your tone careful.

“regret what?”

“leaving penacony. coming here. everything.”

sunday didn’t answer right away. his gaze was still fixed on the stars, his expression unreadable. when he finally spoke, his voice was quieter than you’d ever heard it. “sometimes,” he admitted. “it’s hard not to think about what could’ve been different. what i could’ve done differently.”

you felt your chest tighten at his words, the raw honesty in them.

“but,” he continued, glancing at you, “regret’s not the same as wishing i hadn’t done it. sometimes, things just... are. you can’t change them, only decide what you do next.”

you nodded slowly, letting his words sink in. “and what do you want to do next?”

sunday leaned back, crossing his arms over his chest. his gaze drifted to the faint reflection of the two of you in the glass. “i haven't figured that part out yet, i guess that's the point of being here."

"finding your trailblaze?" you offered, a small smile tugging at your lips.

he gave a soft laugh, the sound almost lost in the hum of the train. "something like that." the two of you stood there for a while longer, the stars outside painting the room in shifting patterns of gold and silver.

"do you miss it?" sunday asked suddenly, his voice breaking the silence.

"my life before the express?"

"yeah."

you thought about it, your mind flickering back to the chaos of your home world, the suffocating systems, the fleeting moments of joy amidst everything. "sometimes," you admitted. "but not the way it was. just the people. the good parts."

sunday nodded, his expression thoughtful. “agreed.”

the stars streaked on, endless and unchanging, but the two of you stayed rooted in that moment, side by side. for the first time since everything, the weight on your chest felt lighter.

“you’ll figure it out,” you said softly, glancing at him. “what you want to do next, i mean.”

he tilted his head slightly, amber eyes searching yours, like he wasn’t entirely convinced.

“you will,” you insisted, your voice steadier this time. “that’s what the trailblaze is about, isn’t it? finding your way forward, even when you don’t know what that looks like yet. it’s not about having all the answers or knowing exactly where you’re going. it’s about choosing to keep moving. to trust that every step will lead you somewhere worth being.”

sunday's gaze lingered on you, his expression unreadable. the soft glow of the stars outside cast shifting patterns across his face, and for a moment, he didn't seem like the man you'd met in penacony— the one weighed down by his past, his responsibilities as the former head of the oak family.

“you make it sound simple,” he said finally, his voice low but not dismissive.

you shook your head, a small smile tugging at your lips. “it’s not, but nothing worth doing ever is. the trailblaze isn’t about the destination— it’s about what you discover along the way. about finding the pieces of yourself you didn’t know you’d lost.”

he looked away then, his gaze shifting back to the stars outside. his shoulders relaxed just a fraction, like the weight he carried had eased, even if just for a moment.

“guess i’ve got a lot of pieces to find,” he murmured.

“and you’ll find them,” you said with quiet confidence. “one step at a time. everyone here on the express is rooting for you, me included.”

the stars streaked on outside, endless and infinite, but the moment between you felt grounded—solid, real. sunday didn’t say anything more, but the faintest hint of a smile touched his lips, and for the first time, you thought he might just believe it too.

© liyue-harbour 2024 (lil author's note: in celebration of sunday's longgg anticipated release, here's a fic! i hope that everyone who plans on pulling gets him~ likes & reblogs are greatly appreciated) masterlist

[dixons-sunshine]

Made With Love | Daryl Dixon x Fem!Reader

Day Three: Handmade Ornaments

“Babe, do you think you could maybe hand me that string over there?”

With a hum of acknowledgement, Daryl leaned forward and grabbed the string, before handing it over to you. His eyes carefully followed your movements, watching in silent awe as your hands skillfully put the finishing touches on the little homemade Christmas tree ornament.

“What?” you asked him bashfully, suddenly feeling very shy under his rather intense gaze. “What’s wrong?”

Daryl shook his head, a small huff leaving his chest. “Nothin’,” he began, his eyes trailing from the colourful little star in your hands to the box on the floor next to you, filled to the brim with different ornaments just like the one in your hands. He could tell that all of them had been made with love. “S’jus’ amazin’, you doin’ this. Nobody asked ya to, and yet here you are.”

You shrugged and leaned back against the wall, fiddling with the object in your hands. “I know nobody asked me to, but I want to. It’s the least I can do to liven this place up a bit. Besides—” You leaned over and dropped the plastic star into the box. “I think this is gonna make people happy. It’s gonna be nice to bring some semblance of normalcy to this place, this being a prison and all.

Daryl could not help the small smile that tugged at the corners of his lips. “You’re an amazin’ person, ya know that?”

You smiled brightly at his compliment. “Thank you,” you whispered softly, once again feeling bashful under his stare. Clearing your throat, you pushed yourself up from the floor and picked up the box of ornaments, before turning back to Daryl. “Do you wanna help me put these up? There may not be a Christmas tree, but we could string these up against the railings and such.

Daryl nodded and pushed himself up from the floor as well. “Sure. I can do that.”

“Now who’s the amazing person?”

The archer rolled his eyes and took the box from you, though he felt his cheeks flush a bit at your words. “Shut up, or m’changin’ my mind.”

[overdressedcarp]

To build on this, Ratio's second character story does list medicine as one of his areas of expertise, suggesting that it was the focus of one of his eight doctoral degrees:

Notably there are only seven subjects listed in the post, but his Keeping Up With Star Rail video identifies the eighth one as computer science. (No love for the CompSci department at UVP, I guess.)

Speaking of Keeping Up With Star Rail, that's where we actually get the most explicit information about Ratio's research, though YMMV on whether you want to interpret details from those videos as hard or soft canon.

Owlbert: Whew... eight disciplines in total. And if that wasn't enough, he used the knowledge he acquired to make sacrifices that benefited the entire universe! His engineering helped resolve an energy crisis that plagued a planet for multiple Amber Eras. And what about medicine? His serum rid people of the torment of lithogenesis—the King of Diseases. And the list goes on!

(The planet with the energy crisis is suggested to be wherever the University of Veritas Prime is located, since his second character story says he'll be granted teaching privileges due to his "remarkable contribution to the subject of energy sources on this planet.")

As for medicine, lithogenesis in our world refers to the formation of stone(s), whether in geology or within the body (think kidney or gall stones). In a universe where Entropy Loss Syndrome exists, I could see something as extreme as people's bodies literally calcifying and turning to stone (offering an interesting symbolic parallel to the statues he summons), but we don't know for sure. What we do know is that his work involved curing a disease, meaning that while he could be licensed as a physician, his doctorate could just as easily be in something like pharmacology or disease research.

While Owlbert is talking, we get a fun little banner along the bottom of the screen listing highlights of Ratio's achievements across all eight subjects (transcribed from the English version of the video; I can't speak to any variations across other languages):

Medicine: Developed the serum for lithogenesis, completely lifting the shadow of the "King of Diseases" that loomed over humanity. Philosophy: Published the work What Is Knowledge, acclaimed as the "ultimate answer to all epistemological questions." Natural Theology: Published the work Aeons: A Natural Phenomenon, hailed as the "most sacred prophet of Aeon non-theism." Mathematics: Published a paper entitled "A Solution to the Marta-Cishian Undirected Connectivity Problem in Metric Spaces," successfully solving three of the "Seven Challenges in Contemporary Mathematics" left by Genius Society member #56, Elias Salas. Physics: Established the Ratio Unified Field Theory, thoroughly elucidating the spatiotemporal discrete structure that was once obscure to humanity. Computer Science: Published a paper entitled "Existence Proof of the Fyangu Function," opening the doors to solving numerous problems in computer science. Engineering: Led the research on the Energy Black-Body Radiation Generator, resolving the energy crisis of the century. Biology: Published papers on "The Neurobiological Mechanisms of the Nesting Behavior of Witherflies" and "The Metabolism of the Ahriman Archaea." As Genius Society member #55 Yu Qingtu once said, these two papers "accelerated the scientific world's understanding of species evolution by 1,000 years."

Ironically I think the laudatory phrasing of some of these would probably annoy him (calling him a prophet; referring to his book as the "ultimate answer" to all questions of knowledge), but they do give a good breakdown of his research interests!

Some bonus thoughts on the Keeping Up With Star Rail video since I spend too much time combing through crumbs of Ratio lore:

Ratio hasn't just received recognition from GS members like Screwllum and Yu Qingtu; he also achieved something a past Genius failed to do. Given how the Unknowable Domain made a big deal about the "natural chasm between the mundane and genius" due to [Unknowable Domain spoilers that I could write a whole separate post about]... idk, I feel like there's unexplored narrative tension there.

The framing of his theological writings as "non-theistic" is really fascinating, and makes me want more interactions between him and Sunday. I feel like they'd have a lot to talk about, especially with Sunday's character trailer suggesting an evolution toward a more humanistic approach to curing the world's ills.

"Energy Black-Body Radiation Generator" is a terrible name, but the idea of black-body radiation as a power source is possibly a reference to the ultraviolet catastrophe (a much cooler name), an old physics problem postulating that if an object at thermal equilibrium could absorb all wavelengths of radiation, it could also emit infinite energy. (A true "black body" is only theoretical, but one of the closer analogues is a black hole.) The problem was solved/disproven by Max Planck and later Einstein with the discovery of photons, but HSR is a world where a Genius literally reinvented math, so maybe Ratio found a way to make it work. He does enjoy tangling with the laws of thermodynamics, after all...

I see people going back and forth on Ratio’s degrees and whether or not he knows medical. Has anyone taken screenshots of his character stories, dialogues, and anything else that mentions him?

[laatteheart]

they're all freaks, your honour

[zephyrine-gale]

getting delusions of an ingame dan feng

[ryanthel0ser]

Alright so I'll never play gacha games, I actively dislike them.

But...lord have mercy in heaven above

[wayward-banana]

if this image gets one likes I will spend 500$ on his banner when it drops

[kroosluvr]

Life's beauty is like a myriad of flowers, and I want to pluck the one that never wilts.

[starcurtain]

The existence of Ratio's vertical pupils indicate that his species evolved as potentially apex ambush predators, while Aventurine's more diamond-shaped pupils suggest Avgins occupied a middle rung of the Sigonian food chain, with divided need to both track prey and maintain wide-angle vision to identify predatory threats. In this essay, I will--

[marragurl]

The idea just hit me: Ratio’s students are called his ducklings 

He’s fully aware of it and makes no move to stop it from spreading around campus. 

Being considered one of Ratio’s ducklings is kinda a big deal because those are the students who are willing to put in the effort and work to keep up with Ratio’s teaching style. 

They are both terrified of him and respect him so much that all the other students are in turn terrified of them. And while the ducklings don’t get any special treatment from Ratio, there’s something special and comforting about being part of the group of students who are willing to stick with Dr. Ratio’s coursework. 

This is how I see it happening: 

It started during Ratio’s first few years of teaching. Not his first year because I fully believe his first few classes were really controversial and had a lot of dropouts once his personality and harsh teaching style were made known. 

It took a while but after a few years, there’s finally a class with no drop outs, even if it’s super small. However, this class are also the students who are dedicated and truly want to learn and refuse to quit even with Ratio’s standards. 

(They still complain and cry of course, the student life is all about pain- no this is not me projecting as a uni student, I’m perfectly sane I promise-)

And of course, like any other student who needs to understand wtf is going on in class, his students do everything in their power to create study groups and attend his office hours, which are 100x scarier in the beginning since that’s prime one-on-one time with Dr. Ratio. 

At least in lecture the man is a hundred seats away from you. Here, he’s speaking directly to your face as he explains just how wrong you are and giving advice on how to fix that. 

At first, due to how unused to Ratio is from having a class of students who are truly trying to keep up with him (whether they’re succeeding is up to interpretation), he only spends time with them during lecture and office hours for the first few weeks. 

And then it spirals.

Around campus, you begin to see the esteemed Dr. Ratio being followed by a gaggle of students tripping  over each other, constantly asking question after question and him answering each one. Even as he’s being blunt, he never looks like he’s trying to outrun them, and even stops occasionally to write in one of the student’s notes.  

The ducklings nickname started out as a joke when someone made the connection of his students following him like baby ducks after lectures, and spiraled a bit more when one of the students found one of his rubber ducks in his office.

And so after finals, that first class of students got together for a nice drinking party to celebrate their freedom. A few drinks in of reminiscing about the class and how they’ll actually kinda miss Dr. Ratio, someone made a joke of buying some rubber ducks for the good doctor. Continuing on the high, an entire gaggle of drunk uni students just pull up to a craft store at 3am and start hunting for ducks. Another brilliant student laughs at the idea of personalizing each duck, and the rest of the class find the idea so funny that they buy out an entire aisle of craft supplies and get to work.

The next day, hungover but still committed to the bit, the entire class show up to Ratio’s office and each hand him a personalized rubber duck along with a terrified thank you for the class. 

Ratio would give his usual denying spiel of how “it is unnecessary” and “your education is all the reward a professor could want” but this is his first ever class with no dropouts and who all managed to pass their finals. 

The man is a failure at not caring, he is crying on the inside.

So he keeps the ducks on a shelf in his office. 

Somehow, the duckling nickname just cements itself after that day, and each class afterwards, despite all the pain and grumbling of the students, are always referred to as Ratio’s ducklings because only the truly insane (dedicated) stick it out and follow after him. 

And after each final, his little ducklings always give him their own personalized rubber duck that he continues to add to his shelf that he always had within eyesight of his desk. 

(the first class of ducklings are his personal favorite, though he’ll never claim to have any)

I’m incapable of not adding Aventurine whenever I talk about Ratio nowadays, I just have to accept that I love them both too much now. 

But yea, I like to imagine Aventurine finding out about the ducklings nickname first and teasing Ratio about actually having a heart and caring, which Ratio just denies and tries to justify as him being an attentive professor. But then Aventurine finds the rubber duck shelf and it’s just too sentimental for him to even think about joking. 

Adding to my headcanon of Aventurine being really curious about different subjects, I imagine that when he gets comfortable, he constantly asks Ratio questions about anything and everything. Ratio happily replies and teaches him. 

I like to think that one day, Aventurine would make his own personalized rubber duck to gift to Ratio as a 'thank you' for always indulging him with his questions and that rubber duck just becomes Ratio’s favorite. He gives it a little podium in his house and office and he constantly carries it around with him. He has photos of the damn thing. His first class find out about the duck and needle him about having ‘no favorites’ which he denies. Aventurine finds it both embarrassing and really cute. 

(I’m kinda pulling from my own experience with one of my old professors. She was terrifying but by god did I actually learn during her class. Every one of us would complain for hours about her exams, and boy were the averages terrible, but we were all also deeply committed to attending every office hour and defending her against the other students. It was like ‘She’s a harsh and insane professor, but she’s our harsh and insane professor.’ Everyone knew you were serious if you chose to take her class instead of other professors for the same course, she was that infamous. If I take 5 seconds to psychoanalyze myself without getting depressed, maybe that’s why I really like Ratio - outside of the burnt-out gifted child thing with emotional expression issues that also hit way too close to home. He just really reminds me of one of my own professors that I still really respect to this day) 

[koifishanonymous]

@havanillas’s rtrn mermaid au has been giving me brainworms chat

[hydrachea]

Do you think god lives in fear of what they've created.

[seventh-district]

Making Incorrect H:SR Quotes Until I Run Out of (hopefully) Original Ideas - Pt. 3 - Random Screenshot Edition

[Pt. 1] [Pt. 2] [Pt. 4] [Pt. 5] [Pt. 6]

[musubiki]

danmarch 🐉💎