#i was super inspired by the prompt i received which is the only reason i even signed up

[moonknixght]

Jerk [Marc Spector x GN!Reader]

Summary: Despite having plans for a date with you after meeting with his ex-wife, Marc seems to have suddenly gone off communication, leaving you to be a bundle of nerves until you decided to call him. Heavily inspired by episode 3 of scenes from a marriage. Word Count: 2k Warnings: Angst with no comfort !!!!!!!!! foul language, Steven cameo (that's a sweet surprise than a warning), no mention of jake A/N: Gosh! I apologize for being super late with this one,, this was meant to be a drabble but i got carried away lol. And I'm a little rusty with writing atm, so don't look at me if the writing feels a lil wonky. though, Constructive Criticism is greatly appreciated! PS; The ex-wife mentioned in this is NOT layla its some other lady because we love layla in this household

REQUESTS ARE OPEN!

The drawn out rings of the phone was slowly aiding to a upcoming migraine as you paced between rooms, silently praying that you would get an answer to your frantic texts. A rather uneventful Friday night that you expected to spend with the person you were recently seeing, an unpredictably mysterious man, had come to an abrupt stop.

There was a lot you didn't know about Marc Spector; and that was okay, because it was just the process of 'getting to know someone' was, right? Sure, You had rambled your head off on the first date, all which he listened carefully; but with Marc, you never felt the need to push information out of him. It was like befriending an fragile animal that takes time to trust, but the epiphany that comes after is unexplainably amazing.

Growing from acquaintances to actually seeing each other and looking forward to spending time as a couple was unrealistic, which was why your entire relationship was so fascinating. The patience of talking things out was a quality that you both shared; likely being the reason of such a bond with each other. If anyone would listen, you would never stop talking about how perplexing that was.

As you both started building a line of trust, You came to learn that he was divorced and was in the process of sorting things out with his ex-lover— which, of course, you were fine with. And today, he had mentioned about her coming over, which you were also on board with. But with the plans that were arranged for today still being overdue and Marc falling off the face of earth, you couldn't help but feel.. jealous? worry, even?

It was exactly why you were frantically texting your boyfriend, questioning on where he was and if his ex-wife had taken her leave. The only response that you received was being left entirely on delivered, adding fuel to your already anxious state. You felt like you were just being extremely clingy— and that they were probably still talking.

Your gaze travelled to the clock. 15 minutes to 1 am. Holy fuck. Had you really been texting him for over an hour? Had it been over two hours since you had set your dinner table, waiting for him? The latest that Marc had promised he would be was by 10:30, so it was just utterly ridiculous that it was past midnight and he was still unresponsive.

Swiftly grabbing the unopened bottle of wine kept on your table and making it to the couch, You set your phone down on the coffee table as you took a swing of the drink. It was crazy how this entire thing had gotten you so riled up, but as much as you hated to admit it, you were head over heels for this guy. So committed infact, that you were desperately checking on him for the past two hours; that you haven't even had your own dinner yet. One last call. Maybe he'll pick up.

That was the words that your guilty conscious prompted while you sat in the uncomfortable silence, eyes falling on the phone that lay discarded on the table. Obviously, you were going to feed into your thoughts. Of course you did.

And much to your surprise, it only took three rings to connect to the voice that you were just waiting to hear— but it didn't take you long to notice that it came off in a growl, much to the contrast of the soft spoken tone that Marc usually carried.

"Marc?" "Hey." You let out a sigh of relief, shaking your head ever so slightly at your own frantic actions. Atleast he was doing okay. "Are you okay? Where have you been? I've been—"

"Good. Uh, yeah, but listen, it's not cool to, like, bombard me with messages."

There was a short pause where you sat slightly bewildered. before you felt yourself sink into the seat, like a child who had just been scolded. Even with guilt creeping up, You wanted to still defend your own case, which was the endless worrying you had endured for the past hour, waiting for anything from Marc. Just a simple notice to cancel their date for the night or even to say that he was okay. But instead, You were simply left in the dark.

"Because you were supposed to call me, Marc."

"I told you, I'd call you when she left." "Oh, so she hasn't gone yet?" "No, She hasn't. She's still here." Sipping from the glass of wine and setting it onto the table nearby, your mind was quick to rush into many conclusions, but you kept your mouth shut. Whatever they had to discuss must have been really important. "Isn't it late? How are you both still talking?" "No, She— She's in bed." An exhale could be heard from the other end, as your brows furrowed. In bed? Marc lived in a single bedroom, so did that mean he was taking the couch? But before you could even question it, it was like the male at the other end had almost read your mind, because he immediately cleared your doubts, Albeit, you would have wished he never said anything. "..My bed." Oh. Feeling betrayed and lost would be an understatement of how you currently felt. Confused even, to some extend as a steady silence began to occupy the call. You weren't quite sure how Marc wanted you to respond to that. Did he want to hear you weep from the other side? Or be upset at him? Maybe even yell a few select choices of words for wasting your time? But instead of any of that, pure silence rang through the call and if it weren't for Marc checking if the call was still running, he would've thought you hung up. "Hello?"

The feeling of being let down was coursing through your veins at this point, making itself obvious with the lump that grew in your throat and how you stiffened up in your seat. You weren't sure what exactly to feel, a floodgate on sadness and anger opening like it was a pent up dam that was released. You sniffled quietly, trying to bite back the tears that were pricking at the corner of your eyes. It was unfair how distraught you felt. Another audible exhale could be heard, before you heard Marc's voice again. You weren't even sure why you felt like crying, but it was clear that this wouldn't end well. "Look, I'm suggesting that we should take a break because this is just not.. Not working out right now." "When did it work out, Marc?" "Wh— What are you talking about?" "I said." You spoke, recollecting yourself in a suspiciously gentle manner. "When were you not trying to use me as a way to move on?"

It was his turn to grow silent, and that was pretty much the answer you needed. To think that you gave him the chance, thinking that maybe this time around you could actually be with someone who cared— There were no other words to describe what you've been this entire time. You were foolish. "Goodnight. Sleep well." You'd be lying if you said that you didn't still want him to come back to you. Justify himself properly. Say that this was all some sick joke. But you were also aware that there was probably nothing that would save this. Still, You stayed when he spoke up again, for whatever reason. "Stop. Just Listen. This doesn't have to be.. what you think it is, I just need time to collect myself and honestly, I've been feeling for a while that—"

The urge to laugh was overbearing, and you didn't hold back. "You're so full of shit, Marc." Anger was finally settling in before the male at the other end could even respond to your words, but this wasn't about being courteous anymore. It felt like if Marc had cared for you even a little, this wouldn't have happened like it did. "Own up to what you're doing, asshole. I know you like to evade your responsibilities but just for once, if you have any respect for me, stand up like a man and say it to my face so I can just accept the fact that I've wasted my time and effort on you."

"Okay, Let me stop you here before you say anything else that you're gonna regret."

"No, fuck you. The only thing I regret is thinking that you actually cared enough to be with me. Turns out, your only concern is keeping yourself occupied and acting like you don't give a shit about everything that leaves you. You're a selfish prick."

"Fine. It's over then."

"Good. Lose my number and Have a good fucking night, Spector." The call was immediately cut, and so was the brightness of the candle that you had lit earlier by the dinner table. The dimness eased your volatile temper, but it bought the dejection and uneasiness that had failed to show up during the call. There was an option for you to cry it all out, but for reason, you didn't. A soft sigh escaped your pursed lips as you rubbed your eyes. Maybe you'd end up bawling your eyes out about this when you were nestled into the cold embrace of your bed.

You didn't even feel hungry anymore; so shoving the pasta that you had cooked hours prior into the fridge and cleaning up, you tried your best not to think of everything that just happened, which was difficult in it's own volition. It was just a few dates, so you were technically the one in the wrong for letting your guard down so easily and falling for a man who barely talked to you. That conclusion stung a little, but it helped you feel better as you picked up your phone and the bottle of wine again— too exhausted to take off the gorgeous outfit you had picked out for the night as you opened tinder; trying to scroll away like you were gonna move on.

—

On the other side, Marc had made the mistake of pacing through his room as he made the call, biting his cheeks as it reached it's abrupt and upsetting end. Guilt did lace his features, but reminding himself that this was the last he would ever hear from you made the circumstances a little less horrible. Glancing at the phone as his thumb hovered over your contact, He heard a meek voice call out to him. Not that of his ex-wife, but that of Steven's— who had seen everything from the reflection of the mirror that Marc found himself standing before. "Marc.." The reflection called out to him, a clearly disappointed expression lacing his features as he tried to find the words to even begin expressing how regrettable this would be. Steven didn't have to elaborate, though, because in the few seconds that Marc met Steven's concerned eyes, he knew this would just add into the contrition that already plagued his mind.

Marc tore himself away from Steven who made a lowly attempt at trying to reason with him; walking back to where he had just been previously. It was because Steven knew, and so did he, that he found what it felt like to be loved again through you. But he was undeserving of it. With everything he has done and all the secrets that he hid, he only deserved the toxic relation he had with his ex, which atleast kept his needs at bay; a fair trade for all the arguments he had with her. You were right about him being a selfish jerk. Though it was for all for the wrong reasons.

[ellecdc]

While I don't like to spend time feeding into negativity on my page, I received a rude/aggressive comment which, though it had been sent to me anonymously, I have reason to suspect who it might have been from; so while I'm not going to broadcast it, it prompted something that I would like to remind anyone who might need it [which is truly maybe only 0.02% of you]

I have been on this app for 4 months; I have gotten hundreds [if not thousands] of asks sent to me during that time and I have always made a solid effort to respond to anyone and everyone who has taken time out of their day to reach out to me or even leave comments on my fics because it truly means the world to me

Over the past 4 months and throughout the hundred [or thousands] of asks and just as many comments and messages, I have only ever received 2 negative/rude/insulting asks - both were sent anonymously, one I had responded to and one I have blocked

And while this blog has grown bigger than I have ever imagined possible for myself and I now receive the most number of asks and requests than I ever had before, I continue to try to stay active, diligent in my responses, and enthusiastic in my chats and conversations with you all

I will admit that I have many unanswered asks in my inbox right now from a large number of my mutuals, listed anons, and many more requests that I have been saving for when the inspiration hits - I cannot respond to everyone and everything all of the time and for the most part, people have been very understanding about that

Sometimes I save chats for later when I have the headspace for it, sometimes I'll answer on the whim, and sometimes I save simple chats that I actually think would make for a good fic idea!

But it's important to note that I don't owe anyone the explanation I just gave to you all

The people that you interact with on this app are just that - people

People who have good days and bad days, people who have jobs and lives and loved ones who take precedence, and people who don't actually owe you anything

This is true whether you're a mutual, whether you're a dutiful fan, whether you're a listed anon, or otherwise - blogs don't owe you anything

They don't owe you a response, they don't owe you their time or energy, and they don't owe you their 110% every time you interact with them

I give my best to every single person I have spoken to on here, and some days my best is better than other days. Sometimes I get so excited when I'm out with friends or at work when I notice an ask from someone - mutual, anon, or otherwise - that I reply immediately because I just cannot wait to chat. This means I'm not always sitting down at my computer and able to give every single response the same amount of time or effort because I am a) busy, b) perhaps a little distracted and c) human

But I don't owe anyone that explanation either

This blog has always felt like a super niche book club filled with likeminded people who loved the same things I do, loved the same characters that I do, and who enjoyed chatting about it. It has also felt like a fun and wholesome community that I am happy to be apart of

And while I like to think that my blog is a safe space for everyone and anyone who might want to visit it; it's a safe space for me first

This blog is my space and my safe haven; you are welcome to it - but that welcome is a privilege, not a right - and I am not obligated to cater it to you

Like I said, I have only ever received two rude asks, but even though 99.98% of my messages are positive, the negative ones feel the loudest

Please think before you send criticizing asks to any blog; the 'saddest' thing of all is being both cowardly and cruel to people you don't know

& again, as always, thank you all for being here with me 🫶

-L

[dramavixen]

Chang Heng: The Man Who Deserves to Be a Male Lead, But Absolutely Should Not Be One

(i.e., I found the opportunity to dunk on Ten Miles of Peach Blossom’s Ye Hua after spending far too long harboring a simmering resentment for that giant man baby)

**Spoilers for: Love Between Fairy and Devil and Ten Miles of Peach Blossoms

I was around 19 years old when I watched the renowned xianxia drama 三生三世十里桃花 (Three Lives, Three Worlds, Ten Miles of Peach Blossoms, A.K.A. Eternal Love or TMOPB for short). I was smitten with the worldbuilding and music, but especially with the male lead. To this day, Ye Hua holds the crown as one of xianxia’s most beloved characters. Not that he did anything super cool—unless you consider bawling over his dead wife revolutionary.

It was a couple years and many more dramas later that I realized I had been conned. Beneath the pretty tears and fantastic dubbing, Ye Hua represents an absolute disaster of a man, an apocalypse for the poor lady on the receiving end of his heart-eyes. How could I, a supposedly mature adult, have been so blind to his deadly flaws (ironic, given what he does to his wife)?

This epiphany blessed me with an instinctual aversion to the xianxia genre. Everywhere I looked, I could only see the shadow of Ye Hua within the male characters who took up his torch—none of these xianxia men are worth shit. And then I learned that the same often applies to xianxia women. All of them need an intervention.

So when Love Between Fairy and Devil’s Chang Heng graced my screen and started exuding extreme Ye Hua vibes, could you blame me for thinking “oh hell no”? I was not ready to get hurt again. Over the course of the drama, I learned to heal and love again, but because of a single caveat: Chang Heng is destined to never get the girl.

---

The Walking Red Flag

As with all good science experiments, we need to establish the control element. Ye Hua will act as that today. What about Ye Hua is so unforgivable, yet allows him to remain as one of the faces of xianxia?

TMOPB was met with explosive popularity upon its release in 2017 and remains one of the most well-known C-dramas to this day. It’s not a reach to say that its success prompted the wave of xianxia dramas released in its wake, nor to claim that its influence inspired a new formula for the genre’s plot structure. It wasn’t entirely original in concept, but its impact on pop culture shouldn't be understated.

The drama’s primary selling point is the love story between esteemed goddess Bai Qian and Heavenly Crown Prince Ye Hua. Through a series of unfortunate events, Bai Qian loses her memory and powers, becoming the “mortal” Su Su. Ye Hua is the smitten deity who really, really wants to be with Su Su even though their relationship is strictly forbidden due to Reasons That Definitely Exist and Are Valid.

Dramatic irony is also at play. Bai Qian and Ye Hua are betrothed to one another long before they fall in love in the mortal realm, but are unaware that their beloved and their future spouse are one and the same person. Their love is essentially a fated relationship disguised as a wild goose chase.

Once Su Su “dies,” Ye Hua deteriorates into a lovesick shell of himself. His longing, guilt, and grief over her death have since established themselves as the picturesque representation of tragic elements inherent to the xianxia genre. Ever since Ye Hua did it, everyone and their grandmas think it’s the new hip thing to get their lovers killed and then cry over it.

Ye Hua could take one step into my house and I would kick him to the curb, install new locks, and file for a restraining order. I fear this man far more than I fear the typical drama villain. Because imagine what he’d do to someone he hates, if this is what he does to the person he loves:

I’ll give him a pass on some of his early flirting techniques, which includes shenanigans like injuring himself to elicit her care and attention and also sleeping in her bed without her express knowledge. (Off to a promising start, aren’t we?) He's a lovestruck fool, ignorant to proper methods to woo the ladies.

After Su Su takes an interest in him, he tricks her into marrying him. Fine, that’s a bit of an exaggeration. But he doesn’t see anything wrong with marrying her while she’s unaware of his true identity. He doesn’t even pipe up about it after she gets pregnant. Meanwhile, Su Su marries him because she’s lonely and trusts that he’s someone who can always be there for her—you know, like a good spouse tends to be. He is not that.

Ye Hua thinks he can outsmart the heavens with his amoeba brain and tries to fake his own death so he can be with Su Su. He fails miserably.

Su Su finds out who Ye Hua truly is after she’s captured by his Heavenly Lord grandpa, who fully intends on punishing her for their relationship since she’s a “mortal” and easy to bully.

Ye Hua fears that openly expressing his love for Su Su will get her killed. To avoid this, he comes up with the ingenious solution of pulling the whole “I have to treat you like garbage to protect you” bullshit. Dearest Ye Hua, please name me one scenario in any drama where you saw this method working out well enough for you to try it for yourself.

For obvious reasons, Su Su starts doubting that Ye Hua truly loves her. This doubt peaks after manipulative female support character Su Jin accuses Su Su of pushing her off the Zhu Xian Tai (“Fairy-Executing Terrace”) in an attempt to kill her, a plot that results in Su Jin going blind. Ye Hua, in another effort to “protect” Su Su, personally digs out Su Su’s eyeballs as retribution—even though he knows that she didn’t do anything wrong, and even as she sobs and begs him not to do it.

Blind and abandoned, Su Su explores the palace every day through touch and commits its layout to memory. After giving birth to her son, she uses that knowledge, finding and leaping off the Zhu Xian Tai to kill herself.

She doesn’t die, of course. She regains her memories as a goddess, but is so tormented by what she endured that she decides to wipe away the memories of the entire relationship. Then they reunite and fall in love again, yada yada yada.

All of that content makes for great angst. I still need a tissue box or two to make it through the episode where Su Su throws herself off the Zhu Xian Tai. If anything, my frustration toward Ye Hua makes me cry even harder because goodness, the audacity of this asshole. He acts purely out of selfishness, desiring to keep Su Su at his side at any cost, even if she’s the one paying it. This isn’t to say that Ye Hua gets off scot-free. He also willingly takes punishments in Su Su’s stead and wants to follow her after she dies. But so what? Does his suffering reduce Su Su’s pain at all? Does that change any of what he does to her? And he doesn’t even get her eyes back for her afterward; she has to do it herself!

What makes Ye Hua truly irredeemable in my eyes is that he still ends up with Bai Qian. Her forgiveness is only natural, as her love for him exceeds her hate. That sounds romantic, but only if you ignore how he caused her enough pain for her to prefer death. And even if she forgives him, why does she have to take him back? Unless she so desperately needs a reason to jump off the Zhu Xian Tai again.

While I understand that the show is more marketable when the lead couple has a “happy” ending, it doesn’t sit well with me that that’s the end result for Ye Hua and Bai Qian. Ye Hua expresses remorse, tons of it; otherwise how could so many viewers readily forgive him? But it’s simply not true that once we show enough remorse, we should earn back the things and people we lost. Once some things are over, they’re truly over. If that applies to anyone, it should definitely apply to someone like Ye Hua.

---

Wake Him Up Inside

And so we arrive on the subject of Chang Heng. Oh, Chang Heng. I see his tiny face and I just want to wrap him up in a blanket and feed him s’mores.

Chang Heng’s character shares many foundational similarities with Ye Hua: he crushes on someone while unaware that she’s actually his long-lost fiancée, has too many responsibilities, and struggles to balance those two problems. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if the writers had Ye Hua in mind while creating Chang Heng. Every single word of wisdom he utters is a not-so-subtle jab at Ye Hua’s erring ways. It’s the sweet honey of vindication, I tell you.

Before he gets to that point of self-awareness, Chang Heng treads the same path as Ye Hua. He wipes Xiao Lanhua’s memories of him without her permission. He doesn’t dare reveal his feelings for her because that would be counter to his duties. Even after painstakingly creating medicine to help with her dysfunctional spiritual root, he ends up pretending that he never did such a thing. In his deepest subconscious, he believes his love for Xiao Lanhua is a weakness. The main difference between him and Ye Hua is that Chang Heng has the decency to distance himself beforehand, knowing that he is in no position to have a relationship with her.

Two things prevent Chang Heng from transforming into Ye Hua 2.0: 1) he isn’t the male lead and 2) Dongfang Qingcang’s existence.

Imagine a world in which Chang Heng is the male lead. When Xiao Lanhua is accused of being a traitor, he would almost certainly pull a Ye Hua move and negotiate with his brother. “I know she’s innocent, but I also know that you must punish her, so please just spare her life”—that type of thing. (The reason I think this isn’t just possible but probable is because later in the actual drama, he enthusiastically agrees to a plan in which he and Rong Hao would kill Xiao Lanhua’s body with DFQC trapped inside, and simply build Xiao Lanhua a new shell to live in. Bro, what the hell.) Because Chang Heng doesn’t fully understand how useless he is, that would be the limit of what he can do for her. He would seriously believe that he has no other choice in the matter.

But someone else is the male lead. When DFQC comes along to rescue Xiao Lanhua, there’s no compromise to be had. He’s taking her with him and that’s the end of it. I, for one, have never felt so validated as when DFQC beats Chang Heng to the floor and then just...walks away, like he’s making a stop at the supermarket.

DFQC: Are you going to save her? Or are you going to save your Shuiyuntian?

That someone can behave this way is a major culture shock to Chang Heng. How can someone just do whatever they want? What about rules? Watching DFQC whisk Xiao Lanhua away serves as loudest of wake-up calls: DFQC intends to put Chang Heng in his place, showing him that he does have a choice in the matter. But he can neither defeat DFQC nor abandon his responsibilities. Until he can overcome those obstacles, Xiao Lanhua will always be out of his reach.

While Xiao Lanhua sparks love in Chang Heng with her desire to protect him, DFQC is the one who makes him question his priorities. Exactly what should he be doing that he currently isn’t? How is it possible that he’s a god of war, yet can’t protect the one he loves?

Chang Heng realizes that distancing himself from Xiao Lanhua accomplishes nothing but forcing her further out of reach (proud of him for realizing that one because let’s be honest, we don’t love Chang Heng for his brain cells). He also has an extreme edge to him, so he hops straight over to doing the exact opposite, rebelling against the arbitrary rules of heaven, constantly trying to bring Xiao Lanhua home, and openly expressing his feelings for her. Later, even if it means becoming a mortal, even if it means letting her go to someone else, nothing is off-limits.

---

The Fine Line Between Helplessness and Incompetence

A lot of xianxia plots depend on characters being helpless and subject to the fates. In my childhood memories, xianxia dramas commonly had at least one main character who was a low-ranked human or deity. Bullied and unable to fend for themselves, their journeys to improve themselves and protect what mattered to them were ones that touched and inspired people who could relate to their common identities. These characters aren’t given many choices in such situations, yet they consistently choose to fight back.

This zero-to-hero trope has become less convincing over time as the trend turned into telling the stories of “chosen ones.” There’s nothing inherently wrong with that, except now all of these dramas are trying to convince us that these gods with unlimited power are...powerless. They’re all hero-to-even-bigger-hero tales, if you will.

It’s not impossible for gods to be forced into making certain decisions, but it’s quite rare that a xianxia persuades me into finding it believable. If we look at Ye Hua again, he gets outsmarted by some random woman who's jealous of his wife. He also snubs Su Su to placate an old man. You’re trying to tell me that that’s the best a dragon crown prince can do? If I lived in the heavens, I’d live in fear of a revolution every day if those are the capabilities of my future leader.

When it comes down to it, Ye Hua is not helpless like our heroes of old—he’s incompetent. And it’s hard to sympathize with a guy who loses everything not because outside forces overpower him, but because he himself sucks major ass.

LBFAD, a drama where every one of the three leads is someone of super high rank, is the only xianxia in recent years which puts into perspective how huge power translates into huge responsibility, and why that pushes characters into feeling like things are out of their control. Be it DFQC’s and Chang Heng’s duties to their people or Xiao Lanhua’s destiny to save all life, it’s hard for any of them to decide when to give in and when to rebel against the heavy weight of destiny.

Chang Heng is a pleasant mixture of both helplessness and incompetence. Is it not endearing the way DFQC easily crushes him, yet he still goes flying into enemy territory proclaiming that he’s going to save Xiao Lanhua? I don’t know where his confidence is coming from and I don’t think he does either, but it’s heartwarming to watch him try and fail with flying colors.

When Chang Heng hops over to Cangyan Sea to bring Xiao Lanhua home without a solid plan, DFQC is again the guy to remind Chang Heng that he still needs to do better. Good intentions are a solid starting point, but are worthless if he can’t convert them into something practical.

CH: Xiao Lanhua, is someone threatening you? Do not be afraid. Tell me, and I will protect you.

DFQC!XLH: No one has threatened me, and no one has forced me. [...] I am also no longer the inconsequential lowly spirit that you all take me for, nor am I a traitor or a spy in collusion with the Moon Tribe. I can happily be myself. Compared to my days in Shuiyuntian, when anyone could step all over me, this is over a hundred times better. [...] Suppose that I go back with you. Can you guarantee that you will clear my name from collusion with the Moon Tribe? Suppose that your Lord Yun Zhong insists that he will not pardon me; would you dare go against him? Suppose that he uses that heavenly rule nonsense to ask you and force you; could you promise my safety? Suppose that anyone dares to harm me or blame me; could you reduce them to ashes?

Aside from making Xiao Lanhua understand that Chang Heng’s mainly just a pretty face, this interrogation forces Chang Heng to consider what’s at stake. Protecting Xiao Lanhua and following the rules are mutually exclusive decisions. His struggle to circumvent this issue isn’t trivial, seeing as it’s challenging his entire belief system. But he can either start questioning what he’s capable of, or let Xiao Lanhua get hurt again.

What stands out to me about this interaction is when DFQC also tacks on that Chang Heng “cannot even tell [her] something [she] wants to hear”; that he won’t even claim that he can keep her safe. Maybe I’m just that jaded, but his refusal to tell pretty lies is what I adore about Chang Heng. It’s a matter of life and death, and if he can’t promise her safety, he won’t. If he lies to her and to himself, then he could never become the straight-shooting Chang Heng we all know and love.

DFQC might be his inspiration, but Rong Hao being simultaneously Chang Heng’s best friend (potentially more; oh what could’ve been) and a foil to his character is an enormously overlooked dynamic. Rong Hao frequently tells Chang Heng that they’re the same type of people, that their love for their respective ladies is what corners them into making less-than-optimal decisions. Each time, Chang Heng’s instinct is to rebuff him.

RH: Because the two of us are the same. I have no choice. And you, ultimately, will also have no choice.

CH: You do not have a choice? You chose to conspire with my brother, to disturb matters, to catalyze the three realms’ largest war in the last tens of thousands of years!

Chang Heng’s newfound philosophy is that everyone has a choice. You may be dealt an awful hand, but you can still choose to play or fold. His friend’s decision-making comes off as foolish arrogance to him.

But Rong Hao is right in one respect. They are similar: if Ye Hua represents an alternate universe version of Chang Heng in which DFQC doesn’t exist, then Rong Hao is suffering a version of Chang Heng’s future in which Xiao Lanhua/Xi Yun sacrifices herself for the greater good, yet is forgotten by those she dies for. Chang Heng can remain optimistic because the person he loves is still alive and loved by others. Rong Hao is comparatively hopeless. He can only wait to witness the impending devastation before realizing that the harder choice is oftentimes the better one.

We will never know how Chang Heng would react if in Rong Hao’s exact position. But whatever he would choose to do, he would not absolve himself from responsibility by claiming that he had no other choice. The results may be out of his hands, but the initial choice is what he can decide for himself.

Chang Heng reminds me much more of traditional xianxia protagonists. Every obstacle they face only drives them to seek enough strength to change the status quo. While Chang Heng may never win against DFQC, he’ll keep trying. (Or he’ll convert him into a brother; that works too.) Everyone will say he doesn’t have a choice, but he wants one and he will get one. Ah, my heart is so full. I don’t want perfect characters. I want characters who strive to do better, especially in a world that pushes them down, and he suits that to a tee.

Meanwhile, Ye Hua over here blinds his wife due to...societal expectations? My god. He just keeps getting worse the more that I think about him.

---

I’m Sorry. But At Least I Love You!

There always has to be an arc where the lead couple’s relationship splinters because one party draws back in order to “protect” the other. It’s accompanied by an intentional lack of communication, so the other person thinks that they’ve been left behind. Remember when this trope used to be cool? Yeah, I don’t either. Because it never was.

Ye Hua might have some fun with this, but LBFAD doubles it by making both the male lead and second male lead utilize this strategy: DFQC, in order to force Xiao Lanhua to fall out of love with him and spare her life in the process, and Chang Heng, who refrains from pursuing Xiao Lanhua in the beginning in order to keep her out of his brother’s view.

I’m tempted to be lenient in both cases. DFQC’s predicament is written well enough that he does seem truly out of options in that situation—every possible choice is wrong. He either breaks her heart and she survives, perhaps so he can explain his actions later, or he lets her die. Or, you know. He could communicate like she asked him to, and they could try to find a way out together. Instead she stabs herself. So you know what, no free pass for DFQC, but at least he makes up for it later.

(I have to get another jab at Ye Hua in here. When Xiao Lanhua commits suicide, she does it to save DFQC. It’s an act of love and sacrifice. Su Su literally seeks death out of unadulterated heartbreak and betrayal. Big difference there, huh?)

I mentioned that Chang Heng’s actions are out of responsibility, so it’s hard to fully blame him. At the same time, the reason Chang Heng can’t win over Xiao Lanhua is because he doesn’t act on his feelings until it’s too late. Simply “protecting her” is not enough: people don’t love others in the hopes of being protected. They love someone to walk alongside them through all the good and bad in life, together.

Chang Heng shines in the ending episodes. He still wants to protect Xiao Lanhua, but he also becomes the one person who understands and accepts her own desires. Knowing from experience that acting one-sidedly is but a temporary solution to a much larger issue, he listens to and considers what she wants. When the two tribes are on the brink of war and Xiao Lanhua doesn’t want to return to Shuiyuntian with him, even after learning of her lost identity as the Goddess of Xishan, he respects that. When, as Xi Yun, she confides in him that she’s pretending to not remember DFQC, he is hurt by how cruel she is being to him, but in the end chooses to understand her.

CH: Your life will truly be in danger this time, Xiao Lanhua. I absolutely cannot let you go back there.

XLH: Lord Chang Heng, are you really going to stop me? My lord, you are a god of war. I am merely a plant with a damaged spiritual root. If you insist on stopping me, then there is nothing I can do. But I will definitely not give in.

CH: You will die. Is that right? [...] You and Dongfang Qingcang love one another. You would rather pretend not to know him than to harm him in any capacity. Then what about me? How could you...how could you ask me to marry you and then personally send you off to die? Did you consider me at all?

XLH: Chang Heng...I am sorry.

CH: I do not want any of your ‘sorry’s. You clearly know that what I want is not for you to say sorry. Are you going to tell me that you do not have a choice?

XLH: That is not true. It was me who chose to live with the Goddess of Xishan’s destiny. Chang Heng, you are the only one who can help me.

Oh, Chang Heng. He’s come to his senses, but everyone he loves and respects falls apart. Saving DFQC from his dreamworld, bringing Xiao Lanhua back from the dead, sacrificing Xiao Lanhua, burying his best friend...what a rough schedule. Scratch giving him s’mores, he needs a drink or two.

Everyone in this drama grows into a better version of themselves, but Chang Heng practices the deepest empathy of any of them. To be hurt is to understand others’ pain, and he really does learn to understand.

---

Such is the beautiful tragedy of Chang Heng and his love for Xiao Lanhua. It’s bittersweet that Chang Heng knows to let go, but comforting to recognize that they’re better off not being together. Only with them apart can Chang Heng’s love stay as pure as it is.

Take that, Ye Hua. I’ll admit, I appreciate Ye Hua for showing me the perfect example of a guy that I should not even spare a glance at. Otherwise, Chang Heng supremacy declared; respectfully, please get that other man away from me.

[ameliagiovanna0]

1, 8, 26, 34, 40, 42, 43, 49

Thank you for the ask, girlie ilu 💕

1. What fic of yours would you recommend to someone who had never read any of your work? (In other words, what do you think is the best introduction to your fics?)

Ooo, I really had to think about this one. For Chenford, I'm going to say When I Taste Tequila or Feel Your Kiss On Me. I really like them. They're super fluffy and (I hope 😅) funny. I'm pretty proud of them, and it's what I try to do with all of my fics. I also feel like it's pretty true to the characters, which is something I really strive for

8. What song would make a great fic (to either write or read)?

OMG SO MANY I HAVE A LIST

I've written a few, but a son that I haven't used but am dying to is The Good Ones by Gabby Barrett

26. Would you rather write a fic that had no dialogue or one that was only dialogue?

I think no dialogue. Normally, I suck at descriptions because I get distracted by the dialogue, so I'd be interested to see what I could come up with without that distraction and see if it's actually still interesting lol

34. What aspects of your writing are inspired by/taken from your real life?

Almost nothing? 😬😅 The biggest thing is that I've never been in a relationship, and all of my fics are relationship fluff. But I do pull from my own emotions, i.e. things I want out of a relationship or my idealistic view of what I'd hope a good relationship looks like. Same with the "negative" emotions I feature. If I write about anxiety and insecurity, all of that comes from my own personal experiences

40. Do you tend to reread fics or are you a one-and-done kind of person?

I absolutely reread. I have notes in my phone for the multichapter fics I liked so I can go back to a specific chapter for a scene that I really liked. I also favorites list I go back to all the time

42. Have you ever received a comment that particularly stood out to you for whatever reason?

Genuinely, any comment means a lot to me. But anytime someone says that I've captured a character well, it's pretty great. Like I said, one of my main goals is to write the character as true to what's on screen as possible, so when I accomplish that, it's a good feeling.

Anytime someone says what specific thing they liked about a fic makes me warm and fuzzy

43. If you take/write prompts: what’s your favorite prompt fic that you’ve written?

A lot of my fics are from prompts/requests, but my favorite is Feel Your Kiss On Me. The prompt itself was hilarious, and I had SO much fun with it

49. What are you currently working on? Share a few lines if you’re up for it!

From my latest Chenford WIP:

Rabbit holes and research were kind of Lucy’s thing. She would mindlessly scroll, maybe even look for something specific, but she would always end up so very far from where she started. One thing would lead to another, and before she knew it, she had migrated from Priyanka Chopra’s Instagram to the Smithsonian website where she found herself reading an article on the infamous woolly mammoth meatball. 

I don't want to give any details because I know myself and I know I'm going to change a million things before I post, if I end up posting it at all 😂

[rontra]

this ask/reply is long so im just putting it together as a textpost help me shark if you're out there

Anonymous asked: hi ok im super super sorry if this is bothering you but ive been meaning to ask it for like 6 months or something . i was introduced to your work via skin game and my brain latched to it ever since i read it. me and some other friends really enjoyed the fic even if it was a short read and i was wondering if youre comfortable sharing chapter 2 either publicly or privately? again im ultra mega sorry if this comes off as creepy or weird or something ive been stressing over it for liek 3 days since i didnt want to bother you :(

either way, love your work so much. your fanart introduced me to both arknights and rwby (though a friend kind of pushed me to actually start watching it lol) and theyre both really great series :) your work is a huge inspiration for me and my friend group and your writing is just insane /pos

(3rd paragraph omitted bc i cant priv reply and im excluding your offsite info even if its under a readme HFDBHJF)

hi shark!! ofc i remember you we are like soldiers side by side in the trenches of takano posting 🫡

so first of all thank you so much for following and enjoying my work 🥰 i'm always happy to help drag people into the arknights/rwby zone HEHEHE i'm glad you enjoy what i make!!! it means a lot to me 😊 thank you!!!

now. THE THING ABOUT skin game ch2. is that it's pretty rough. i had a look at it the last time something prompted me to think about the fic and it's not really presentable (i don't know if i even finished editing it back in ….. 6 years ago… oh god). it also doesn't have all of its art (which might be a blessing in disguise given the art it does have is …. 6 years old… oh god)

getting it to a state i consider readable would take a good chunk of work, which is why i put it off again after looking at it. it's almost 12 thousand words of … uhhh… shall we say… unnnnpolished material. i think i couldn't even share it privately because i would be embarrassed to show someone something so unfinished and janky. not to mention not having all of its art finished. so i got kind of stuck last time and just put it off again bc the amount of work it very obviously needed was like. "Christ OK Not Now" yknow…

it does bolster the spirit when i remember you and your friends. it means a lot to me that you care about it even after so long!!! i just have NO idea when i'm going to get around to editing something of that magnitude @_@ i was really a dummy about chapter lengths back then… HFDBHJGJMK

it's really kind of a shame too becahse chapter 1 and 2 together are sort of the introductory portion for our 2 primary characters. so it feels like only half of the intro is done right now. since ch1 detailed how kyrie ended up at that plaza meeting takano, ch2 would detail how takano ended up there, meeting kyrie. and then we would proceed into the future from there. as a renowned Takano Guy, obviously i was very interested in this, but for various reasons i never finished polishing it and drawing the art…

ch2 also features ikuko so you KNOW its dear to me

overall being like 5-6 yrs old theres a disconnect where i don't feel like ch2 right now is achieving what it should, and i see a lot of concrete problems with concrete solutions, but it's an editing of such Magnitude that it keeps being pushed back in favor of other stuff. oh, ephemeral soul…

some of the art i did get done for it is pretty cute though, like these baby miyos;

so that's pretty good, but i didnt FINISH drawing the art, ARGHH

it is really hard to say. bc when i KNOW there's people out there who remember it and care about it, that does motivate me to return to it. but it has a lot of stuff that needs doing, and is a very old project, so it's unclear to me right now when it would receive the attention it desperately needs before it can be shown to other people... i super can't in clear conscience accept anything like payment/etc for that kind of vague half-promise either, although i appreciate the thought xD

i'm sorry it's such an inconclusive answer, but i am sort of an inconclusive guy when it comes to projects... i jump around a lot as i'm sure you've observed in your time following me 😭 it's important to me to have that freedom, but i do care about SG too, so we just sort of have to see if i can surmount the magnitude of the work i accidentally set up for myself half a decade ago (*turning into stone*)

but it makes me smile when i remember you're out there thinking about this weird little AU. so, thanks. 😌 a soul still burns...

.

and then after all that CH3 was going to have more of best girl 🥺.....

WARGH <- BEARER OF THE CURSE

[pfreadsandwrites]

Any new prompts????? I don’t know which one is best…..

hey!! im so sorry i didnt answer the previous asks you sent, and thank you for the interest! The issue isn't really your prompts, they're fine, I don't really have a problem with them.

But tbh, I just haven't been in the head space to answer anything or do lengthy thought exercises like I used to.

You didn't ask, but there are a few reasons:

a) I'm super busy and my job is exhausting. I work like 10-12 hour days, I don't get consecutive days off and I sometimes work 6 days a week. My job also requires my mental energy 100% of the time I'm there. I know people are able to work more than I do and still be more creatively productive than I am, but I'm just not able to. This has basically killed any writing time I have lol.

b) Yamato is not really a character that interests me. I try really hard to come up with ideas but it takes way more effort than I should. To me he's fine and I think I understand his character but he doesn't really inspire much creativity in me.

c) tbh it's really demoralising to keep receiving asks that don't really show much.... engagement with what I said previously? Like I'll spend ages writing a thing, and even though it's only headcanons so it is admittedly easier, it still takes time and effort, and then the person who asked for it doesn't even comment on it, I'll maybe get a like if I'm lucky etc. It just makes me a bit tired when I get request after request, or like, the same DAY i answer a request, I get a new request from the same person who didn't even have anything to say about anything I wrote for their previous request, it's a bit... I just can't keep doing it indefinitely, you know?

I'm not saying that I *won't* answer your requests, I most likely will, but I'll be honest and say that you might have to be a little more patient. I'm sure there are some blogs that will tide you over in the meantime, though.

Thank you again for your interest in my content and having faith in my ideas enough to send a request, or at least, keeping me in the list of blogs that you do, I *have* appreciated the ideas you've sent me in the past as they are useful thought and imaginative exercises. But please slow down on the Yamato requests, for now :)

Have a great day :)

[dylanobrienisbatman]

You're the only one who makes me

A Wellven Royalty Winter Romance, written as a gift for @andthelightbulbclicks for the @troped-fanfic-challenge Holiday Gift Exchange! [Rated T] [7.6k]

Princess Raven of Sky Mountain has been searching for a match for a long time. She had rebelled, of course, but she was ready now, to try to find the right heir to marry. A promise to her father, one that she intends to keep, no matter how difficult it had proven to be. How was it possible that every suitor was someone less interesting than the last?

Maybe getting lost in a blizzard was just what she needed to solve all of her troubles.

Moodboard by @thelittlefanpire

---

Her corset pinched at the skin on her back. Her ribs itched. The lace on her sleeve kept catching, leaving unappealing strings dangling from her wrists. The room was sticky and hot. Her shoes were pinching her toes. The pins in her hair were beginning to give her a headache. Really, she was uncomfortable in every way, and her thoughts were a rotating wheel of complaints.

She didn’t utter a single one aloud.

Raven Reyes was the ever reluctant Princess of Sky Mountain. She was used to standing up straight and keeping her irritation to herself, or at least, not verbalizing it. She could ask the right questions and curtsy just so and she knew every step to at least 15 dances. She spoke three languages and knew poems in five. But that didn’t mean she enjoyed it.

Her fingers itched for the coal burning engine she was building in her bedroom upstairs. She could think of at least three different ways she could be making it work more efficiently as she sat and pretended to be listening to the Duke of the Flower Valley droning on about his country’s glass production.

She wondered if she could find a way to make Sky Mountain a more efficient means of glass production. That would show him.

This party, like every single party she had ever attended, was a waste of her time.

She peered down the table at her father, the King Jacapo of Sky Mountain. He had been watching her, a bemused expression on his face. She shot him a glare and he just shook his head, and glanced over at the Duke. Be Polite, he seemed to say. She resisted the urge to stick her tongue out at him.

Raven was the only daughter of King Jacapo, and she was his heir. The marriage between the future Queen of Skuy Mountain and any son of any monarch was the most sought after alliance in all of Prymfya, and so she sat, and she was polite, and she waited for the day someone sent her an heir worth listening to.

So far, that day had not come.

When Raven was a little girl, her father had made her a promise. So long as she chose someone who was an heir to their own throne, she could marry whomever she pleased. Her marriage, as long as it was proper, was her choice. She had rebelled, of course. As a teenager she had fallen for a stable boy, and had sworn to her father she would run away with him. She had flirted incessantly with a third son of a Duke during the spring courting season of her 22nd year, but he had merely been to irritate her father after he refused to allow her to ride the motorized bicycle she had built. (He caved, and she got a broken clavicle for all her trouble… It had been worth it.) But eventually, she had seen the error of her ways. She had watched as the other young princesses in her circle were married off to the highest bidder, old men and gross men, men with dozens of illegitimate children and mistresses they kept in their homes, and suddenly the immense gift her father had given her became apparent.

She was 27 this year, and was finally ready to seriously consider a suitor. Of course, that meant there hadn’t been a single man worth considering. A parade of princes and duchesses and even a queen from some far off land had made their way to her fathers court, and each one of them had been duller than the last. So far, this evening was shaping up to be much the same.

When the night finally closed, and the last stragglers who had long overstayed their welcome were heaved into their carriages, she straddled over her window, letting one leg hang out into the cold night air, and leaned back against the frame. Nights like this made her wonder if her father should have simply chosen for her, picked a respectable man with a worthy family and good character and sent her off. It would certainly be easier than this, than spending her nights wondering if this might be the most interesting suitor she would ever meet, if this might be it and if she should just agree to marry him because what if the next was worse? She looked out over the foggy moors of her father’s palace, a night sky filled with the swirls of galaxies far away, a heavy cloud cover rolling in from the east, and wondered if her father would have been better off.

The sun cut through the heavy cloud cover as the morning broke and Raven was itching to be anywhere but in her room, stewing. She dressed quickly, grabbing a slice of warm bread and an apple from the kitchen on her way out to the stables, speaking to almost no one aside from the cook, who always kissed her on the cheek and tucked her hair behind her ears and told her she should eat a little more.

The brisk cold bit at her skin leaving pink on her cheeks, invigorating her in the early morning. She made her way out into the stables and saddled her favourite horse, at the protestation of the stable hand. As she led her white mare out into the cold, she felt the world start to quiet. A long ride on her own, nothing to distract her, no one to talk about unimportant nothing in her ears. It sounded like exactly what she needed.

The ride out was perfect, the brisk winter wind became stinging and skin numbing, her hair tangling in the wind. About an hour and a half out, though, the winter clouds took over the skies and the snow began to fall, first in soft flurries but quickly turning into heavy icy snow. Sooner than she expected she could barely see in front of her horse’s nose. She turned around, trying her best to fully about face to go back the way she came, but her horse reared back, seeing the tree in front of them only seconds before she did. She held tight to the reins, barely avoiding getting thrown from her saddle, and the edges of her senses started to notice the panic she was feeling. She took a deep breath, and then another, but it did nothing to stop her racing heart.

She had heard stories, stable hands and other servants getting lost in the blizzards that ravaged her kingdom. Sometimes they made it back, fingers and noses blackened with frostbite. Other times they were found frozen out in the packed snow, or worse, found in the spring when the last of the snow had melted away. She pushed the image of her frozen corpse emerging from the frostbitten woods, and took another deep breath.

She stepped down off her horse, and tied her to the tree. A stable, sturdy post in the swirl of white around her. Next, she unraveled the blanket from the side of the saddle, finding the cold weather leg wrappings she had stuffed inside and wrapping them up. She slung the blanket over her mare’s neck, covering her ears, and then stepped under her neck, using her as a shield from the snow. She closed her eyes, and tried to think.

She remembered seeing a shack a little while back, but there was no way she could find her way back if she couldn’t see 2 inches in front of her face. She certainly wouldn’t be able to make it all the way back to the palace. She swore, but the sound of her voice was lost in the wind before it reached her ears. She sunk into the snow on the ground, packing it around her feet and pulling her knees up to her chest trying her best to keep her body warm.

She wasn’t sure how long she sat there, her ears numb and her fingers tingling, before a light pierced the swirling white of the storm. A rider on a black horse emerged, and Raven did something arguably very stupid. She ran out in front of him, waving her arms frantically. Thankfully, his horse saw her much the same way her mare had seen the tree and came to a rearing stop.  His rider was less than pleased.

“You could have thrown me off my horse!” he yelled, barely piercing through the roaring wind.

“I’m so sorry, I’ve been lost out here, I’m not even sure how long. I need help finding- I need help.” Best not to tell a strange man in the middle of the woods who she was, no matter how nice his cloak was, or how well groomed his snow covered horse. “Please, I don’t mean to slow you down on your travels, but there is no telling how long this storm will go on and I-”

He raised a hand to cut her off and she watched as his shoulders sagged in acceptance.

“Get on your horse,” He yelled, and led his horse close to her and tying their bridles together, “I saw a big barn not far off the road, back the way I came. I think if we keep out of the trees and on the raised path we should be able to find it.”

[writingwithcolor]

What Does Our "Motivations” PSA Mean?

@luminalalumini said:

I've been on your blog a lot and it has a lot of really insightful information, but I notice a theme with some of your answers where you ask the writer reaching out what their 'motivation for making a character a certain [race/religion/ethnicity/nationality] is' and it's discouraging to see, because it seems like you're automatically assigning the writer some sort of ulterior motive that must be sniffed out and identified before the writer can get any tips or guidance for their question. Can't the 'motive' simply be having/wanting to have diversity in one's work? Must there be an 'ulterior motive'? I can understand that there's a lot of stigma and stereotypes and bad influence that might lead to someone trynna add marginalized groups into their stories for wrong reasons, but people that have those bad intentions certainly won't be asking for advice on how to write good representation in the first place. Idk its just been something that seemed really discouraging to me to reach out myself, knowing i'll automatically be assigned ulterior motives that i don't have and will probably have to justify why i want to add diversity to my story as if i'm comitting some sort of crime. I don't expect you guys to change your blog or respond to this or even care all that much, I'm probably just ranting into a void. I'm just curious if theres any reason to this that I haven't realized exists I suppose. I don't want y'all to take this the wrong way because I do actually love and enjoy your blog's advice in spite of my dumb griping. Cheers :))

We assume this is in reference to the following PSA:

PSA to all of our users - Motivation Matters: This lack of clarity w/r to intent has been a general issue with many recent questions. Please remember that if you don’t explain your motivations and what you intend to communicate to your audience with your plot choices, character attributes, world-building etc., we cannot effectively advise you beyond the information you provide. We Are Not Mind Readers. If, when drafting these questions, you realize you can’t explain your motivations, that is likely a hint that you need to think more on the rationales for your narrative decisions. My recommendation is to read our archives and articles on similar topics for inspiration while you think. I will be attaching this PSA to all asks with similar issues until the volume of such questions declines. 

We have answered this in three parts.

1. Of Paved Roads and Good Intentions

Allow me to give you a personal story, in solidarity towards your feelings:

When I began writing in South Asia as an outsider, specifically in the Kashmir and Lahore areas, I was doing it out of respect for the cultures I had grown up around. I did kathak dance, I grew up on immigrant-cooked North Indian food, my babysitters were Indian. I loved Mughal society, and every detail of learning about it just made me want more. The minute you told me fantasy could be outside of Europe, I hopped into the Mughal world with two feet. I was 13. I am now 28.

And had you asked me, as a teenager, what my motives were in giving my characters’ love interests blue or green eyes, one of them blond hair, my MC having red-tinted brown hair that was very emphasized, and a whole bunch of paler skinned people, I would have told you my motives were “to represent the diversity of the region.” 

I’m sure readers of the blog will spot the really, really toxic and colourist tropes present in my choices. If you’re new here, then the summary is: giving brown people “unique” coloured eyes and hair that lines up with Eurocentric beauty standards is an orientalist trope that needs to be interrogated in your writing. And favouring pale skinned people is colourist, full stop.

Did that make me a bad person with super sneaky ulterior motives who wanted to write bad representation? No.

It made me an ignorant kid from the mostly-white suburbs who grew up with media that said brown people had to “look unique” (read: look as European as possible) to be considered valuable.

And this is where it is important to remember that motives can be pure as you want, but you were still taught all of the terrible stuff that is present in society. Which means you’re going to perpetuate it unless you stop and actually question what is under your conscious motive, and work to unlearn it. Work that will never be complete.

I know it sounds scary and judgemental (and it’s one of the reasons we allow people to ask to be anonymous, for people who are afraid). Honestly, I would’ve reacted much the same as a younger writer, had you told me I was perpetuating bad things. I was trying to do good and my motives were pure, after all! But after a few years, I realized that I had fallen short, and I had a lot more to learn in order for my motives to match my impact. Part of our job at WWC is to attempt to close that gap.

We aren’t giving judgement, when we ask questions about why you want to do certain things. We are asking you to look at the structural underpinnings of your mind and question why those traits felt natural together, and, more specifically, why those traits felt natural to give to a protagonist or other major character.

I still have blond, blue-eyed characters with sandy coloured skin. I still have green-eyed characters. Because teenage me was right, that is part of the region. But by interrogating my motive, I was able to devalue those traits within the narrative, and I stopped making those traits shorthand for “this is the person you should root for.” 

It opened up room for me to be messier with my characters of colour, even the ones who my teenage self would have deemed “extra special.” Because the European-associated traits (pale hair, not-brown-eyes) stopped being special. After years of questioning, they started lining up with my motive of just being part of the diversity of the region.

Motive is important, both in the conscious and the subconscious. It’s not a judgement and it’s not assumed to be evil. It’s simply assumed to be unquestioned, so we ask that you question it and really examine your own biases.

~Mod Lesya

2. Motivations Aren't Always "Ulterior"

You can have a positive motivation or a neutral one or a negative one. Just wanting to have diversity only means your characters aren't all white and straight and cis and able-bodied -- it doesn't explain why you decided to make this specific character specifically bi and specifically Jewish (it me). Yes, sometimes it might be completely random! But it also might be "well, my crush is Costa Rican, so I gave the love interest the same background", or "I set it in X City where the predominant marginalized ethnicity is Y, so they are Y". Neither of these count as ulterior motives. But let's say for a second that you did accidentally catch yourself doing an "ulterior." Isn't that the point of the blog, to help you find those spots and clean them up?

Try thinking of it as “finding things that need adjusting” rather than “things that are bad” and it might get less scary to realize that we all do them, subconsciously. Representation that could use some work is often the product of subconscious bias, not deliberate misrepresentation, so there's every possibility that someone who wants to improve and do better didn't do it perfectly the first time. 

--Shira

3. Dress-Making as a Metaphor

I want to echo Lesya’s sentiments here but also provide a more logistical perspective. If you check the rubber stamp guide here and the “Motivation matters” PSA above, you’ll notice that concerns with respect to asker motivation are for the purposes of providing the most relevant answer possible.

It is a lot like if someone walks into a dressmaker’s shop and asks for a blue dress/ suit (Back when getting custom-made clothes was more of a thing) . The seamstress/ tailor is likely to ask a wide variety of questions:

What material do you want the outfit to be made of?

Where do you plan to wear it?

What do you want to highlight?

How do you want to feel when you wear it?

Let’s say our theoretical customer is in England during the 1920s. A tartan walking dress/ flannel suit for the winter is not the same as a periwinkle, beaded, organza ensemble/ navy pinstripe for formal dress in the summer. When we ask for motivations, we are often asking for exactly that: the specific reasons for your inquiry so we may pinpoint the most pertinent information.

The consistent problem for many of the askers who receive the PSA is they haven’t even done the level of research necessary to know what they want to ask of us. It would be like if our English customer in the 1920s responded, “IDK, some kind of blue thing.” Even worse,  WWC doesn’t have the luxury of the back-and-forth between a dressmaker and their clientele. If our asker doesn’t communicate all the information they need in mind at the time of submission, we can only say, “Well, I’m not sure if this is right, but here’s something. I hope it works, but if you had told us more, we could have done a more thorough job.”

Answering questions without context is hard, and asking for motivations, by which I mean the narratives, themes, character arcs and other literary devices that you are looking to incorporate, is the best way for us to help you, while also helping you to determine if your understanding of the problem will benefit from outside input. Because these asks are published with the goal of helping individuals with similar questions, the PSA also serves to prompt other users.

I note that asking questions is a skill, and we all start by asking the most basic questions (Not stupid questions, because to quote a dear professor, “There are no stupid questions.”). Unfortunately, WWC is not suited for the most basic questions. To this effect, we have a very helpful FAQ and archive as a starting point. Once you have used our website to answer the more basic questions, you are more ready to approach writing with diversity and decide when we can actually be of service. This is why we are so adamant that people read the FAQ. Yes, it helps us, but it also is there to save you time and spare you the ambiguity of not even knowing where to start.

The anxiety in your ask conveys to me a fear of being judged for asking questions. That fear is not something we can help you with, other than to wholeheartedly reassure you that we do not spend our unpaid, free time answering these questions in order to assume motives we can’t confirm or sit in judgment of our users who, as you say, are just trying to do better.

Yes, I am often frustrated when an asker’s question makes it clear they haven’t read the FAQ or archives. I’ve also been upset when uncivil commenters have indicated that my efforts and contributions are not worth their consideration. However, even the most tactless question has never made me think, “Ooh this person is such a naughty racist. Let me laugh at them for being a naughty racist. Let me shame them for being a naughty racist. Mwahaha.”

What kind of sad person has time for that?*

Racism is structural. It takes time to unlearn, especially if you’re in an environment that doesn’t facilitate that process to begin with. Our first priority is to help while also preserving our own boundaries and well-being. Though I am well aware of the levels of toxic gas-lighting and virtue signaling that can be found in various corners of online writing communities in the name of “progressivism*”, WWC is not that kind of space. This space is for discussions held in good faith: for us to understand each other better, rather than for one of us to “win” and another to “lose.”

Just as we have good faith that you are doing your best, we ask that you have faith that we are trying to do our best by you and the BIPOC communities we represent.

- Marika.

*If you are in any writing or social media circles that feed these anxieties or demonstrate these behaviors, I advise you to curtail your time with them and focus on your own growth. You will find, over time, that it is easier to think clearly when you are worrying less about trying to appease people who set the bar of approval so high just for the enjoyment of watching you jump. “Internet hygiene”, as I like to call it, begins with you and the boundaries you set with those you interact with online.

[glowingbadger]

Hi it’s me, crawling through the window. Would it be possible to get a crumb of arranged marriage w/ Hubert? His line w/ Dorothea about being willing to get married for politics sake has fueled my brain rot for him.

Good God I need to secure my windows-

I mean HELLO FRIEND ANON YES IT WOULD BE MY PLEASURE

Lol actually though, I have been thinking about this for Hubie since we all started chatting about that arranged marriage stuff! I think it's a perfect concept for him~

This like... got weird while I was writing it though?? Idk man hahaha it ended up on the less-spicy side of what I usually write, and with some very weird dialogue in places... Idk, I hope y'all like it. Maybe if there's interest, I'll follow this up eventually with a more smut-focused piece?

I've been traveling and working so much lately that I just don't even know what writing is anymore or how it works hahaha

TW: A brief mention of non-con

Hubert (FE3H) x Reader ("wife," neutral pronouns)

Arranged Marriage - semi spicy i guess?

"Frankly, he's a pain," Linhardt must be able to see your surprise and confusion written across your face. He goes on, "He's reliable and capable, of course, but also the most persistent nag you'll ever meet. Actually, no-" he glances upward as though to cross reference his own thoughts, "No, her Majesty is worse. But Hubert is a close second to be sure. Always on and on about sleep schedules and proper nutrition and etiquette..." He sighs and closes the massive tome on his lap, as though to close the conversation with it, "frankly, he's an insufferable mother hen. Does that help?"

"Well, it's... Not what I expected," you admit with a shrug, "but thank you all the same."

~

It's been several weeks since the papers binding you in marriage to Hubert Von Vestra had been signed- and this alone had sufficed. No ceremony, no grand ball, just paperwork and a handshake with your father. A handshake that ensured that, even under the Empire's unification, he would maintain nominal control over his considerable portion of land, and in return, would swear absolute loyalty to her Majesty. It was a beneficial arrangement for all parties, and you were not ignorant to the part you played. You were hardly even a bargaining chip- moreso, a hostage.

Your new husband had made no secret of what manner of harm may befall you if your family were to renege on their deal. Fortunately, you know your father to be a reliable coward, so you have no reason to believe he would be bold enough to step out of line.

Hubert Von Vestra is a terrifying man. A zealously loyal man of storied cruelty and a frigid disposition. His frame looms over you whenever he's near, and though he's hardly placed a finger on you since you'd been given over to him, his mere presence is... arresting. There's a sort of charisma to him that's equal parts frightening and fascinating. Perhaps it's madness brought on by your circumstances, but you can't help wanting to glimpse just the slightest bit into that brilliant, ever churning mind.

Unsurprisingly, he has been resistant to your attempts to understand him. He hardly indulges you in small talk, and if you were the paranoid sort, you'd think he intentionally makes himself busy when you're around. Eventually, perhaps out of sheer stubbornness, you'd settled on a routine of bringing coffee to his study adjoined to your bedroom in the evenings. He'd been visibly surprised the first time. It wasn't until the fourth night that he'd given a curt "thank you." About two weeks in, he'd actually sat back in his chair and laid down his quill pen to receive the cup from your hands. After a month, he'd leveled his narrow gaze at you and said,

"I cannot begin to fathom what satisfaction you glean from playing 'maid' to me."

"Well, I, uhm," you hadn't expected him to address you so directly, but you managed to say, "You... work so hard, I wanted to do something for you, I suppose."

His expression is inscrutable as he replies,

"You are aware that my work was much the same before you arrived."

"I am," you say softly, "But- all the same..." you trail off, and Hubert seems content to let the matter rest. And so you leave him be amidst his reports and correspondence, coffee at his side on the desk. Yet for as unproductive as your exchange might have seemed, it does leave you with an idea. The thought to learn about the man from those who knew him long before your arrival at the capitol.

~

Your investigation into the true character of your husband does not stop with Linhardt. In fact, his testimony only leaves you with further questions. But perhaps the others would say otherwise; perhaps the United Empire's most up and coming crest scholar simply inspires maternal behavior. This has to be the case- you simply can't imagine that the notoriously ruthless heir of the even more notorious Vestra lineage would be so... Doting.

And yet the more you learn of him, the more contradictory he seems.

Caspar's take is much like Linhardt's- a picture of a man far closer to a school marm than any assassin or master of torture. Ferdinand seems both smitten and incensed by him, oscillating wildly between the two. Then eventually, to your shock, Bernadetta takes the initiative to speak to you about Hubert of her own accord.

"I'm, uh, really so-sorry to bother you!" she approaches with arms drawn close to her chest and eyes resolutely avoiding yours, "I- I just heard that you were... asking about Hubert, so, I, uh..."

It takes some time to prompt her further. You assure her again and again- no, this isn't intrusive at all- yes, you'd very much like to hear her perspective- no, you're not mad at her. In truth, you're endlessly intrigued about what a gentle soul like Bernadetta would have to say about a man feared across the continent. Finally, she manages,

"He's... actually really kind!" she blurts out, as though the words would abandon her if she gave them the window of opportunity. Your eyebrows raise slightly.

"You think so..?"

"Yes, completely-!" she stammers, "I know he's super, super scary, and powerful and spooky and cold and, uh, all of that. But still," her voice falters as she continues, "He only scolds people when they do something dangerous. And he only hurts people to protect others. I... I know he's done some te-terrible things. But... he's always been nice to Bernie," finally, she meets your eyes with an imploring look in hers, "So, uh, I'm really grateful to him. And I think it would be really nice for someone to reach out to him. If... if that's not too weird or anything. For you."

You smile warmly and nod,

"Thank you, Bernadetta. I know it can't be easy for you to come to me with all of this, but... I'd like to try, if I can."

The opportunity doesn't come in the way you expect.

At first, it seems the night will proceed like many others before. You bring a cup of coffee to your husband's desk, setting it down quietly so as to not disturb him. He's silent, but this is common enough, so you head back to the bedroom to undress for the evening. All nights prior, he would lay beside you long after you'd settled in, then rise to resume work in the morning before you woke up- all the while never allowing your bodies to interact in any way.

Tonight, just as you're about to close the door to Hubert's study behind you, long fingers catch around your wrist, visibly startling you.

It's the most physical contact you've had to-date, but he only says,

"One moment."

You whip around to face him, a touch of anxiety evident in your eyes. It's clear in his own that he notices, but if anything, he only seems amused. He steps forward, his taller frame menacing you as he speaks,

"I understand that you have been busying yourself with some manner of investigation as of late."

It takes a moment for his meaning to reach you. When it does, your face burns and you can't bring yourself to meet his scrutinizing gaze,

"Oh, uhm..."

"I assure you, my dearest wife," he says with barely concealed venom, "anything that I do not wish for you to know will be kept from you. Aside from which, your efforts thus far have proven amateurish at best."

Something seems off about his tone. You could understand if he felt uncomfortable or hesitant about your efforts to learn about him, but this seems far more grave, more... business-like. He steps towards you once more, and you step back in turn. Yet before long, you feel your legs bump the edge of the bed. A gloved hand trails a fingertip down your jawline to your chin, then urges you to look up at him.

"Whatever you are planning, my dear, I promise it will be fruitless. You had best rethink how you spend your days before your actions bring you to harm."

"No, I-" your brow creases deeply, your face burns, your body burns hotter and you don't want to consider why, "I've just been trying to learn about you as a person, nothing else. We're- we're married, after all, so..."

He gives an abrupt, dry laugh.

"Ah, so I am to believe that you've been interrogating my allies out of some misguided affection, is that it?"

"Hubert, just listen to me!" for a moment, you feel bolstered, defiant, and you straighten your posture, "You won't tell me the first thing about you- the only way to learn so much as your favorite color is to ask someone who's known you for a decade!"

Briefly, he does seem to consider your words. But his eventual reply is as aloof as any prior,

"If you're no spy or politician, then you're worse- a fool." he says, and before you can respond, he's seized both of your wrists and pushed you back onto the bed. For a moment, the room spins and your voice leaves you. A shrewd eye watches you with cruel condescension as he pins you against the sheets.

"I should think that you'd be well aware what I'm capable of," he nearly whispers, "I personally ensured that the rumors spread through your father's territory and further still. Do you think that anyone would even dare lift a finger to help you if I chose to seek retribution for this recent behavior?" He draws nearer, his grip tighter at your wrists, "Perhaps as punishment, I'll simply take my pleasure from you by force."

Your lips tighten, you take a breath. Then, meeting his gaze directly, you reply,

"You won't."

His visible eye narrows.

"And what evidence do you have to prompt such unfounded confidence? Perhaps you have crafted a flattering falsehood of me in your mind," a mocking smirk curls his lips, "Am I a misunderstood sentimental sort to you, then? A sad, lonely man for you to save?"

You scowl, though you suspect it looks more like a pout to him.

"I don't know what I think of you yet- not completely. But I don't pity you like that, and I don't think you're sad or lonely. I know you're not."

For the first time, it seems that you've caught him off guard. That frigid mask falters for just a moment, and you go on before he can replace it,

"You're surrounded by people who care about you. I've seen it for myself. Whatever you've had to do in the service of your ideals- it hasn't kept the people around you from wanting to know and understand you, even if it's despite you."

Hubert is silent for a moment. His gaze bores into you like he thinks he'll discover some hidden layer if he can just keep digging. Then, he sighs,

"How did I ever become bound to such a troublesome spouse..."

When you wrest your arms from his grasp, his hands fall away with little resistance, and you think that perhaps he had never truly intended to keep you in place by force to begin with. He moves to leave the bed, but your fists find the front of his clothing and tug him back down to you.

You press your lips to his without hesitation, and you can feel him inhale sharply, his entire body rigid above you. His lips are surprisingly soft, his scent like coffee and old parchment, and though your heart threatens to burst from your chest, you hold firmly to him by his clothes. Near imperceptibly, he leans down against you, and your fear, along with any remaining doubts, begin to dissolve. Knowing he won't pull away, you let your hands relax against him, running up his chest where you can feel his own pulse pounding. It's so human, so entirely reasonable and normal. Now, at last, Hubert Von Vestra is merely a man of flesh and bone.

Your tongue meets his naturally, your lips parting in time with his as your kiss deepens to a fevered pace. One hand reaches that sharp, handsome jawline, reveling in the erotic sensation of his mouth moving against yours. And yet, all the while, his hands remain staunchly on the bed beside you. He doesn't touch you- doesn't even let his body meet yours.

It's impossible to tell whether passion or madness drives you to bring your teeth to his lower lip, a single insistent bite communicating desire mounting faster than you can contain. And for a moment, you sense something new; a sound catches in Hubert's throat, a reaction he fights to stifle. Then, he pulls away. His pale skin is tinted a rare shade of pink, and his hair is ruffled out of place enough to reveal both narrowed eyes. His cloak has spilled around his frame to surround you both, and somewhere in your frazzled mind, you imagine that you're caught in some beautiful, velvet-lined trap.

"I- must... return to my work." Hubert says stiffly. He pushes up from you and turns away, leaving you still flustered on the bed behind him. You sit upright, holding your arms tight around your body as you watch him straighten his hair and clothes.

"You, uhm..." your face reddens still as you search for the right words, "you could... join me in bed, if you liked."

Hubert turns to the door of his study, speaking without daring to even glance your way,

"Anything that you offer to me now will be born from the impulse to survive. I have been bargained with before." His shoulders slack just slightly, his voice low and sober, "The proudest nobleman will even sell off his own child to a monster if he feels it will spare him its teeth."

You open your mouth to protest, then shut it without a word. You feel that you know your mind and heart, even in this moment, but you lack the words to convince a man like this. In a feeble attempt, you murmur,

"You don't frighten me, Hubert. Not anymore."

He half turns toward you, though his hand remains on the handle of his study door.

"You yourself said that you do not know what you think of me," he says, "As such, I will not lay a hand on you until the day that you do."

You stare down at your hands in your lap, barely registering the sound of the door clicking shut as he leaves you in the bedroom. No matter how you try to sort out your tangled thoughts, the memory of his lips on yours won't leave them. If anything, it eclipses any sense of reason, standing resolutely in the way of your path to clarity. Letting out a groaning sigh, you fall onto your back on the bed, staring blankly at the ceiling as if it could offer you any advice.

What do I think about my own husband? You wonder, the thought nearly enough to make you laugh. Well for one, he's a pain.

[catcze]

Hi there! Super duper quick, but I’m going to go on a break / hiatus for the next week or so! 

I’m sorry its kind of sudden (or maybe not idk) but yeahhhh–– there are a few reasons! I won’t go into too much depth, but I don’t want to just dip out for a bit without proper explanation (unlike the other times i’ve gone on hiatus)

But that’s utc tho bc even if i say i won’t go into too much detail i am still, at my heart, a chatterbox lmao

Original Navigation Post !!

For one, i think I’ve started to look for validation in tumblr too much? Like,,,, I’ve never been one to need validation before. But recently I feel like I’ve been seeking that out in tumblr which, when I look back on it, feels kind of funky to me? And obviously it’s not wrong to look for validation on here, that’s not what I’m saying. But just for me personally, it feels strange and debilitating to rely as heavily heavily as I do on things in this way, so i kind of need to distance myself for a bit.

This next one isn’t really much of a surprise at this point, but it’s kinda obvi that I’ve been lacking motivation and inspiration to write. I’ve probably written less than 10 things in the last two, maybe even three months. I just I don’t like the things I try to write, and I like them even less when i try to force myself, which sucks so much because I receive so many good, breathtaking prompts in my inbox, but i feel like I can never do them justice, but at the same time i don’t want to post the prompts with me just, like, screaming and keysmashing yk? Bc i feel like that can’t properly encapsulate just how much i love the things I’m sent. So yeah I really do miss being able to look back on the stuff I write n go ‘holy shit I actually made that? Whoa’ and I kind of need to get myself out of this funk for a bit bc I hate it.

Lastly, as I’m sure some of you know, finals have been whole rough recently. I only got out of its chokehold, like, a few days ago, and I’m jumping right back into the fray on January 3. Safe to say I’m still tired from the whole thing that was hell week, and I just need time to sorta, like, exist in my own space for a bit. 

After I post this, I won’t be answering any asks until I get back, and I’ll be deleting the tumblr app from my phone to distance myself from the site for now. Though I might come on eventually to catch up and read some fics, because I’ve barely been reading or supporting any kind of fics recently, which i feel super guilty for. So if you see me rb fics, they’re all queued up!

I’m super sorry I won’t be around for the holidays or for New Year’s, but I hope everyone enjoys :DD I’m sorry that i won’t be able to actively provide a safe space for you guys who view the blog as such, or that I can’t be a listening ear or someone to talk to in the coming days. But still, feel free to send me things in my inbox while I’m away. Brain rots, thoughts, life updates, whatever you’d like! I might not be able to respond to each ask individually, but hopefully being able to type something out and sending it my way will be able to bring you comfort of some sort <3

Anywayyyy so, like, yeah :D I’ll get going for now. Thanks for 4.8k followers so far, even though I’ve been really lacking on content these past two months–– I’ll try to write at my own pace while I’m gone, maybe finally do those event prompts and answer some really old asks. Hope everyone has lovely holidays and a lovely new year, also! Much love n much smooches babes <33 

[writing-in-april]

Good in Red 

Spencer Reid x Female Reader

Summary: Spencer loves the color of your lips

A/N: I definitely wrote this cause my favorite color is red lmao... I also wrote this all today cause I was feeling super inspired to write this all of a sudden- so extra extra bonuses today for my 1000 follower celebration!! This was also supposed to be a blurb but it was at like 900 words when I finished so I just decided to make it a little bit longer. Thanks for reading and requests are open!

Warnings: 18+, sub spencer, red lipstick, marking with lipstick, oral sex (M receiving), unprotected sex

Main Masterlist Word count: 1.1k

Red was without a doubt, your favorite color. You often wore it to work, having a nice rotation of skirts, cardigans, blazers, and every other article of clothing any woman could own in your favorite color.

Today however, you went with something a little more subtle, but simultaneously it was more bold than any of the other red pieces you had worn in the office beforehand.

This time the only red that was on your body was the color that decorated your lips. Your pout was a bright bold red today, standing out strikingly against the rest of your ensemble that was made up of black. You had gotten a bunch of compliments about your bold lip color as soon as you had made your way into the office this morning, namely from Penelope who wanted to know exactly what color and brand you had used.

The one person who had been oddly silent this morning was Spencer, you had even heard from Hotch who was usually stuck up in his office on a paperwork day like today. Your eyes shifted in question over to the desk that Spencer inhabited, he hadn’t spoken a peep to you besides a squeaked out good morning. When your eyes fell on his lanky frame and cute face you noticed that he was already staring at you. Well, actually he was staring at your lips.

Your lips puckered a bit in realization, you were trying not to break out in a wide smile as to not tip him off that you noticed his eyes trained on your painted lips. Deciding to play a slight little game with him you picked up your white coffee cup. You pressed your lips delicately on the rim of the cup and only took a slight sip of the coffee held within. When you pulled away a perfect mark of crimson sat on the rim of the pristine white mug. Looking back up at Spencer, his eyes were going back and forth from the edge of the mug to your red stained lips. He still hadn’t noticed that you were looking at him, so you spoke up to get his attention, “Spencer?”

Once his eyes met yours his face flashed a similar color to the one on your lips. Your eyebrow twitched up in question towards him, but he would not meet your gaze again.

It was no secret to yourself that you wanted Spencer, but you had been struggling with ideas with how to approach him about it. You had tried to do it the subtle way, unfortunately each of the flirts flew over his head each time. Maybe being blunt with him would help him understand just how much you wanted him.

“Spencer, why were you staring at my lips?” He looked startled in response to your blunt questioning. He squirmed a little in the desk chair making it sway a little back and forth.

When you arch your eyebrow up in question a second time to prompt him he finally gave you the answer you were looking for, “Y-you look good in red.” His cheeks were about as red as your lips as he admitted the reason that he was staring so intently at your lips. Deciding to finally enact on what you wanted you moved towards his desk with a seductive sway in your hips, then leaning over so your lips were resting close to his crimson tinged ears.

“You can see me in something else red if you come to my apartment tonight, at 11.” You whispered in his ear before sauntering away, making sure that a hint of your lipstick hit the edge of his ear, marking him subtly as yours.

——-

When you heard the hesitant knock at your door after work you knew exactly who it was. Spencer was here.

“Come in.” Your voice was demanding with a hint of seduction reeling in Spencer further. When he finally opened the door all the way and he got a good look at what you were wearing his jaw dropped wide open. You were decked out in a set of red lingerie that matched perfectly to the lipstick that adorned your lips, with a robe to match of course.

“Close your mouth, you’ll catch flies.” You brought your manicured nails up to shut his jaw. He gulped hard as you gripped his jaw with your fingers, forcing his eyes to look at you even though he squirmed under your gaze. You could tell he wanted to say something else so you prompted him,“Come on speak up, pretty boy. What do you want to say?”

“Y-you look good in that red too.” The stutter in his voice mirroring the one earlier in the day, with his red cheeks to match.

Blinking up at him with coy doe eyes, you bit your lip a little in anticipation,“Thank you for the compliments today, Spencer. Can I show you how thankful I am?”

You made sure to fully show Spencer how thankful you were, taking his cock as far down your throat as possible with your ruby red lips. He whined and begged the whole time, wanting to feel you cum around his cock right before he came instead of cumming in your mouth. The only reason you obliged his request was because he had been such a good boy for you, but if there was ever a next time (Which you were sure there would be) you would make sure you got to taste his cum on your tongue.

As you bounced up and down on Spencer’s cock, your once pristine crimson lipstick smeared from kissing him passionately. His own lips were stained with the evidence; his bottom lip all puffy and pouty from the way you bit it earlier in the night. As you swirl your hips Spencer brought his fingers to rub at your clit to help you finish together. Once your highs washed over the both of you with a cry of thank you, you leaned down to lick up the evidence of his release that coated his stomach, making the lipstick spread even more. As you leaned up to look at the fucked out masterpiece that was Spencer Reid you realized something.

He looked good in red too.

—

Tag list (message me if you want to be added):

All works:

@shotarosleftpinky

Spencer Reid/CM:

@calm-and-doctor @destiny-tsukino @safertokiss

Sub Spencer:

@thatsonezesty13 @pastathighs @virtualpeanutartisanjudge @calm-and-doctor

[shoichee]

okok hc or fic: reader was teiko’s “head” manager(?) and her talent was being a medic (if someone gets injured they’re back on the court in under a minute type thing) and training plans. suddenly momoi’s talent blooms, she starts working w/ everyone in the team (+ reader’s crush akashi) and people think she’s a better manager than reader. because of this, she overworks + collapses in front of her best friends kuroko + kise (don’t let akashi know yet i have plans for that 👀)

HELLO? YES OFFICER? I JUST FOUND A BANGER REQUEST RIGHT HERE? YOUR BRAIN IS SO BIG AND SEXY IVE BEEN DYING TO WRITE THIS🏃🏻‍♀️💨 part 2 here and part 3 here AND update: part 4 here

Akashi x Reader

[Teiko!manager Headcanons]

you had a knack of being a natural chiropractor in loosening up tense muscles instantly (for more fluid play) or easily putting in back dislocated joints

basically you have crackhands

in your free time as a hobby and a job as the “head manager” (that Akashi announced to the team himself), you’d often bury yourself in anatomy studies and gym plans on the internet and databases to review over Akashi’s team training routines to see if they were effective and safe; oftentimes, you’d return back with improved plans, and as time went on, Akashi entrusted you with creating the plans yourself completely

you took on the job so eagerly to impress the Teiko captain, if you were being honest to yourself

your enthusiasm even inspires Momoi, Teiko’s other manager, to work harder

no one in Teiko knows physiology better than you, and as expected, it was also your best subject along with health

Kise often looks at you in horror and respect at how you don’t cringe/flinch at the loud cracks resonating across the room or court when players come to you for instant relief (the origin story of how he came to call you (y/n)-cchi was the very fact that you manage to put back his dislocated shoulder in 3 seconds flat one game)

when Kuroko first joined the 1st-string, he was a walking magnet for injuries, and you ended up being there for him every single time… nosebleeds? check. sprained ankle? check. nausea from over exhaustion? check.

both you and Kuroko relish in the fact that everyone in the team can never understand how the both of you do some incredible things with your hands

both of you being quite dexterous, you both often teach each other your specialties for fun; it’s almost shocking to see Kuroko effortlessly loosening up a stress knot and you pulling off a well-done palm pass

you admit, you do juggle a lot of responsibilities… from being a makeshift nurse, to a chiropractor, to a budget gym coach, and even to being moral support

Momoi often reminds you to take breaks being the caring person that she is

you often showed her the ropes and tricks of being a manager, on top of your duties, and you find it really endearing that she’s so earnest in learning from you

even if you enjoyed doing what you do, part of the massive workload is to try to get into Akashi’s good graces

talking to him about basketball duties is easier to achieve than talking to him outside of the extracurricular

you might be a tad bit insecure about it; after all, what middle schooler is already so accomplished in academics, sports, and everything you could think of? wasn’t he also studying to take over his father’s company??

to you, who only starred as Teiko’s humble manager, it felt hard trying to establish common ground for conversation outside of basketball

so you stuck to working hard at your position, hoping that your work ethic would get his attention one day; you were a firm believer of actions over words, so you hoped your actions would come off as genuine

picture you and Momoi running across campus with stacks of papers for the team… it makes most of the teammates’ hearts melt at the sight

your work certainly got you praises from other teammates, but out of all players, Kise was the one who figured out your motive

you felt absolutely morbid; to think that Kise, of all people, would figure you out like the back of his hand

Kise being sweet as he is, offers to help you get with the captain but you merely prompted to threaten to break his arm if he spilled your crush to anyone else

“(y/n)-cchi… I’ve been thinking.”

“Yes, Kise?”

“It’s really cool that you’re working so tirelessly for the team, but I can’t help but wonder if there’s a reason why you work so hard.”

“O-Of course I do! I want to see you guys all succeed!”

“Then I’m curious as to why you always look at Akashicchi—o-ow, ow, ow!! (y/n)-cchi, I’m sorry! So can you please let go of my—ow!”

“H-How did you know?!”

“I-It was as obvious as day, (y/n)-cchi! I’m pretty sure even Kurokocchi found out about this before I did!”

“N-No way!!”

“Tell you what, I’m super duper knowledgeable in this stuff! You can count on me for this sort of advice—OW!”

spoiler alert: Kise was right in that Kuroko definitely noticed your attraction to Akashi before anyone else… he just never brought it up to you

one day, Kuroko comes up to you to whisper:

“(y/n)-san, have you realized that Akashi-kun has been observing you recently during practice?”

“W-Wait! Is he looking over here right now?”

“Not that I think. He’s occupied with the coach right now.”

“D-Do you think this is a good sign?”

Kuroko gives you a small smile before he replies, “I would like to think so. Keep working hard, (y/n)-san.”

and you do, you’re constantly on top of your game for the next season until Momoi suddenly gets more recognition for her “precognitive defense” skills

her newfound talent was extraordinary and never-before-seen, and her ability became more critical to Teiko’s victories than your own skills

you were happy and proud for her, because after all, her achievements were extremely deserving to be praised

it’s only when some 1st-string players started making offhand comments about how you weren’t really needed in the 1st-string and was more suited to the lower strings that placed seeds of doubt into you

these people would often compare you to Momoi in how she improved much more despite you being in the team for longer

there’s also talk about how your skills are more useful for 2nd-string and 3rd-string players because Momoi’s ability is already sufficient enough for Teiko’s starters

after all, how would a player even be injured if they can predict their opponents’ moves to avoid such incidents?

there’s also the fact that Akashi has been calling Momoi more frequently to research on upcoming teams for analytical data because her talent has become very useful to ensuring victory

the same peers and adults who gave you praise were the same people who began to ignore you or dismiss you; that being said, the collective change in attitude is definitely subtle enough that it would fly under most people’s radars

Kuroko was the first to notice and defend you against a small group of players who were bold enough to badmouth you in the gym

Kise would find out a little later about the somewhat unpleasant gossip about you and would pull the “no you” reverse card, returning back with MEANER underhanded comments that would send these shit talkers CRYING HOME (manga Kise strikes here unexpectedly eh?)

Murasakibara is someone who would be slightly uncomfortable with the gossip about you, especially since you’ve always been so helpful and kind to the team and himself; he’d either leave the room himself or easily scare them away with his looming height and presence without saying a single word when he enters the room “minding his own business”

Midorima is a bystander judging from how he’s reacted to the Teiko dynamic changes in the actual show // he, of course, wouldn’t like the nasty talk about you but would actually mind his own business, choosing to focus on himself and what he has to do to contribute to his team; he assumes that you would work hard the same way he is and let your contributions do the talking

now Akashi surprisingly wouldn’t hear much of the gossip, since his presence alone SHUTS them up and commit to their practices like normal; after all, it’s very clear that Akashi doesn’t tolerate this type of behavior in the team (example: Haizaki), and it’s more apparent that he wouldn’t hesitate to drop kick them out especially since he has a soft spot for you (which Kise never fails to bring this up to you, but you think he’s reaching too much into it) // TLDR; the teammates mostly have the common sense to not utter anything bad about you… maybe one kid would slip out and get punished for “bad sportsmanship,” but Akashi merely assumes that it’s just one bad apple and not necessarily… the many others as well

Aomine???? bro he ain’t even at practice wdym (HELPPP LMAOO) // jokes aside, if he catches wind of players shit-talking outside of the gym… say at the convenience store or when he’s walking home or something, well… they wouldn’t have a good time…

Momoi simply chastises the gossipers when they try to talk shit on you to make Momoi herself look good, and it leaves? such? a? horrible? taste? like, she wants to believe that they’re just really poor jokes and not what they really believe in, and the teammates merely reassure her that they’re just bad jokes and that they “wouldn’t do it again;” poor Momoi wholeheartedly believes them

the weird talks about Momoi being “the better manager” just signalled to you that you haven’t contributed enough to the team yet, and it motivated you to work even harder

oddly, you weren’t jealous of the fact that Momoi was receiving more positive attention than you

you were more afraid of the fact that you were going to get left behind, and this fear only tightened its hold on you when more teammates (who used to talk to you a lot) have changed their tunes when they speak with you now, compared to them talking to Momoi

and you felt that the Generation of Miracles would do the same too… including Akashi

it wasn’t an irrational fear for you because he’s already been calling Momoi a lot more frequently for help than you recently

so you even offered to mop the gym floors after practice, offered to stay later than usual to be the one to lock up the gym for anyone (cough, Kuroko) who wanted to practice whenever they wanted

at one point, you even tried to do what Momoi does: researching on upcoming teams and making your own predictions (that didn’t really work, and that cost you a few nights’ worth of sleep every single time)

not to mention that you still had regular school like any other student? you were the epitome of a mess

Kuroko was with you in the empty gym, you putting away the extra basketballs in the storage closet while he practiced his dribbling, until he heard a crash in there and a few basketballs rolled out the door

you collapsed right when you rolled in the basketball cart

POOR KUROKO HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO // he just tries to give you a piggyback ride as he abandons his plans of practice and tries to jog to the nearest local clinic

that’s where he bumped into Kise, who was heading home after an evening shoot when he saw the two of you

chaos ensue as Kise freaks out and Kuroko had to calm him down himself after answering the never-ending questions

at least the doctor there gave relieving news that you only collapsed from over-exhaustion and that the bruises from the fall were very faint

Kise makes a joke to Kuroko about, “What’s with you and (y/n)-cchi falling to the floor and fainting? You guys can’t be that alike.”

when you shortly regain consciousness, you were met with a… very stern Kuroko and Kise, who were both ready to hear your explanation and to scold you to oblivion

to your surprise, they were understanding; Kuroko understands the feeling of not being enough and working hard to meet other people’s expectations, and Kise understands the struggle of juggling multiple things in his schedule (come on, student, athlete, and model?)

they still scolded your ears off:

“(y/n)-san, you idiot. Why didn’t you ask anyone to help out?”

“That’s…”

“(y/n)-cchi, do you think we’re undependable?!”

“Er, no, that’s…”

you were still dizzy from the fall and the lack of proper sleep (and maybe nutrition if we’re being honest), and you were just a ball of stress

you kind of begged your best friends not to tell a SOUL to anyone about this incident, especially to Akashi… you didn’t want to look even more incapable in his eyes than you already were

they do agree on one condition: for you to take AT LEAST a day or two off school to completely recover and rest up (you reluctantly agree; besides how were you going to explain the bruises that can’t be covered to your peers?)

HELP WHY ARE KISE AND KUROKO THE BEST LIARS TOGETHER ON CAMPUS LITERALLY NO ONE SUSPECTS A THING… except Akashi, the ever sharp captain, felt something was amiss

especially since some Teiko players emanated a feeling of relief at the news of you not being here that day, or the next

Akashi would play detective sleuth and find out what’s really going on sooner or later

End Note: gonna cut this off here b/c I KNOW this anon got a juicy part two i FEEL IT

[animecreator3000]

About the Boueibu iceberg

@delphoxqueen asked me to explain about my list for the iceberg so here it is. I might update this from time to time with links and stuff if I stumble across the original posts. This is all from what I know so feel free to add new info. Also, spoiler warning for RobiHachi and the Boueibu manga and novels. (This is like a masterpost it’s very long)

1. There’s a theory in tumblr about which decade the series is set in, using data like the friday the 13th calendar in s2 ep11. In HK we got a second number for when the next monthly Pretty Boy Contest was happening and using the one from Love it was theorized that around a decade had passed since then, which ended up being true.

2. The stage play had a few original songs and characters exclusive to it so unless you watched the full performance, you probably weren’t able to witness all of them. One of the characters is called “Robato Deniro”, as romanized in the stage play booklet I own.

3. The nurse and the cafeteria staff from the s1 mobile game appear in the background in around the first half of s2 ep3.

4. S2 had an unfinished manga that was only available online and was never released on physical format; it was centered around the defense club and sometimes the conquest club and Beppu brothers. All that’s left from what I know are the scans linked on magicalgirlsandcerulean’s blog.

5. This isn’t that obscure because it’s talked about in the anime, but I’m mentioning it because I think many people dropped it before the ova, where right at the beginning it is revealed that the alien that resucitated Mr. Tawarayama twice was, as described by Io, a “mulberry-colored naked mole rat-looking thing”, and was nicknamed “Moley-san” by Yumoto. At least in the anime, we had never heard before of who this was and it never appeared on screen nor was mentioned again.

6. In HK ep8, Karurusu promises the knights to grant a wish if they show him how earthlings spend summer. Kyoutarou reveals at the end of the episode that he wished that summer lasted one more day so he could spend it doing nothing, which prompts Ichiro to theorize that it’s the 32nd of august, and the next day is the second 1st of september.

7. The stage play was was held from march 10th to 13rd, of which the latter is Ryuu’s birthday. There’s an additional recording of a small celebration with cake focused on Ryuu and Io.

8. Atsushi mentions his older sister in the flashback at the beginning of s1 ep4, but she never appears or is mentioned again.

9. There’s a few posts on tumblr theorizing about what happened to the Hakone parents since Yumoto only says in s2 ep3 that according to Gora, “they are busy with their hot springs tour”. En mentions that it’s a bit suspicious, but it’s all the information we have from the anime. Posts talk about the parents perhaps passing away from an accident or an illness, thus the reason why Gora was so worried about Yumoto’s cold in s1 ep10, but from another post I think it’s implied in the second novel that they actually left their home when Yumoto was still a toddler.

10. It’s no secret that the surnames of the characters are all real onsens in Japan that even the seiyuus have visited, but apparently the Arima onsen has two different kinds of water, “kinsen (gold hot spring)” and “ginsen (silver hot spring)”, with different properties each, and the Kusatsu onsen water also has certain properties, both that were used to build the characters. Additionally, Ryuu’s favorite food are Sato Nishiki cherries, which are grown in the same prefecture, Yamagata, as his onsen, Zaou.

11. The press club lose relevance after s1, with only Kinosaki and Tazawa reappearing briefly in s2 ep2 to interview the Beppu twins after they arrive at the school. Tazawa doesn’t even have lines. Hireashi is mentioned by Zundar in ep11.

12. What the heck

13. Exclusively in the manga we see that Arima met Kinshiro and Atsushi when they were little and they were good friends, but when they met again as adults, Kinshiro seemingly didn’t remember Arima. Atsushi, however, stated that Kinshiro’s talent is remembering people’s faces and names, so Arima wonders if he’s just trying to distance himself from him. He also explains to Akoya that he follows Kinshiro and obeys him because as a child, he was fascinated by his radiant smile. This is never talked about in the anime.

14. Like the previous point, the anime never shows Akoya being bullied, at most just a slight dislike of his full name, but the manga shows that he was made fun of for it and how he actually hates his surname, to the point of introducing himself formally to the president and vicepresident of the student council as “Holy Angel Akoya”.

15, 16, 17, 19. Batonama lives were the livestreams done through the franchise by the defense club seiyuus on youtube and niconico. They’re all on youtube, without any kind of translation.

Love-ko is a girl with a shell bikini drawn on a piece of cardboard that was used as a girlfriend in the Batonama Love! lives, acted by the seiyuus themselves.

RobiHachi has one episode full of official Boueibu artwork and a parody of the series too, a Love-ko doll appears, and Wombat appears as well, named “The Don”. It received an english dub, so for a bit, people were excited that Wombat was going to speak in english too. Also, various mechas appear in both Boueibu and RobiHachi.

18. The director of Fairy Ranmaru (Masakazu Hishida if I’m not wrong) revealed in an interview that he was inspired by Boueibu and aimed to make a show like that.

20, 21. The website super-groupies.com has results for defense and conquest club lingerie sets, dc and VEPPer tote bags, the Beppus’ scarf rings, dc bath sets and the pumps magicalgirlsandcerulean mentioned. I’ve found the s1 Loveracelets and Caerula Adamas’ ring on different sites, the True Loveracelets on TheChara’s twitter and the Happybraces (apparently called “Hapibure”) on broccoli.co.jp but I’m not sure where exactly they were all announced and sold, so I’ll just drop that.

22, 33. Boueibu was originally pretty much a copy of Sailor Moon, I think they were all going to be called “Lackluster Moon” and that stuff and be literally Sailor Moon genderbent. They were all different from color palettes to physical features (except Yumoto’s), and Ryuu was a shota, even smaller than Yumoto. Their names were also very reminiscent of the five Sailor Senshis’. Even if they made it more original, the show is still clearly inspired by Sailor Moon (just look at Caerula Adamas lol) and Pretty Cure. It has also referenced, very blatantly, animes like Doraemon, Detective Conan, Aikatsu and even Vocaloid, when Kyoutarou tries to guess what Karurusu is saying with ““Just Google It, Asshole”?” in ep1.

23. Wombat’s real name and the name of his planet sound like gibberish to the earthlings and ends up being named after the Earth animal, but Zundar, Dadacha, Karurusu and Furanui all have original names. And I think Hireashi means “goldfish”?

24. If you google “zundar technology”, it’s actually a company in Shanghai, China. Aren’t Wombat and Zundar always talking about “advanced alien technology”?

25. Zundar and Dadacha are siblings, so are Karurusu and Furanui, and so are their father King Kamopapa and their uncle minister Wao, but neither are the same species and, except the first two, not even the same color. But they are supposedly related because they share birthmarks or something like that...

26. Everyone who’s in this fandom knows about the pixel blur and voice pitch censor from s1, but I’ve added it anyway because it’s so rare for mahou shoujo and shounen animes to explain why the heroes aren’t recognized when transformed.

27. A good while of s2 ep11 is spent discussing Zundar’s ex-wife and his problems to give child support. Naturally, he gets mad at this.

28. “Money doesn’t betray” (s1 ep6) and “The despair hidden behind your smile that comes from not being understood” (s3 ep11) are sentences that came out of nowhere and implied that the people they were said by (Io) or about (Taiju) respectively had some kind of angst going on but were never explained at all. They’re famous for just that.

29. The Beppu twins’ house in Andromeda shown in flashbacks had strange green circles that apparently are from another anime I don’t know but honestly I didn’t get it very well... It was revealed on a tweet from Takamatsu.

30. Alien language mostly appeared in s2 due to the many flashbacks of Aki and Haru in Andromeda, but in Boueibu s1, it appears on the Zundar Needle before it is shot on the human. It appears a lot through RobiHachi as well, due to being a story about travelling through space. There might be an alphabetical chart somewhere, but I can’t assure it exists, I might even have dreamed it.

31. Hikaru Midorikawa as the melon monster, Kousuke Toriumi as the bishounen monster, Yoshitsugu Matsuoka as the kotatsu and panda monsters and Takuya Eguchi as the remote controller monster in s1 and 2, before going on to voice the main cast in HK. Keisuke Koumoto voiced Hatchi Kita in RobiHachi as well as Akihiko in Boueibu, and the characters look similar.

A new addition is that so far Boueibu is the only anime I’ve seen where children weren’t voiced by female seiyuus, but by actual children. Personally, it’s charming and makes it so much more realistic, specifically since no women appear in the franchise at all either (not counting Protag-chan in the game).

32. Speaking of seiyuus, Can I Destroy The Earth? had a dub shown in ep11/12 (?) that made Gora the villain that wanted Earth to stay the same and not progress, against the monsters that supposedly wanted to bring good things to earthlings. Aki and Haru quickly dismissed this dub as fake. (I made a mistake in the title in the previous post btw)

34. As seen in the glossary in the Boueibu Mook (I think, but might not be the mook), Caerula Adamas’ speeches are based on an old japanese detergent commercial that went “Gold, silver, pearl, gift”.

35. In the manga there’s a short parody of the first chapter of Sailor Moon with “Pretty Boy Guardian Gakuran Akoya”. The conquest club manga was released before the anime, so I remember reading somewhere that a fake website appeared for the Gakuran Akoya manga, before turning into the conquest club manga website in the day of its release.

36. Cgi was used a few times in the anime: s2 ep10 for a short sequence of the defense club on a rollercoaster and the carousel monster, ep11 for a cenital shot of the Battle Lovers singing, and HK ep12 for the Honyalaland soldiers and the Wao mecha.

37. The toothbrush incident in s1 ep7. (It’s definitely well-known but it’s so weird lol)

38. “We hope we can see each other again someday!” Something along those lines was the last text to appear in the last episode of HK, implying a s2. We all know how that went.

[roadmotel]

Hi!

This is a super long ask and I hope it's interesting instead of annoying.

I have just finished reading the book "The Carnivorous Lamb" by Augustin Gomez-Arcos, and one of the main plot points is the love between the protagonist and his brother. Needless to say, many passages reminded me of the brothers. And then I thought I'd send them; even if they're not material for your blog, I thought you might enjoy taking a look, since the book has a very beautiful and evocative style... If it's not your thing, I apologize in advance! All in all, I love your blog and I hope you're having a nice week <3

Here it goes:

Father coming in at neutral moments to plant a kiss on my forehead, then hurrying out (did he love me, I wonder?), my brother, rooted to the spot, devouring me with his eyes. The house gone mad, blind anarchy stealthily taking it over,

Page 28

This ritual of waiting, which I have lived minute by minute since five o’clock in the afternoon last Friday, strikes me as completely useless. It brings me nothing new. Written in my cells when I was a child, it has ruled my behavior ever since. And my behavior has never been more than an appendage of yours, somewhat like a dog’s tail in relation to the dog. What can I do, though? When someone else’s life is the only space you have to live in, you can’t choose but to wait. Whether you come as a lover or an executioner, I am ready to receive you. More ready than ever. With all the obligations that waiting for you imposes on me. But don’t come as a brother, to profane me in the family blasphemy; if you do, my waiting for you will assert its rights. So open the door. Come in.

Page 55

I no longer had any trouble understanding the softness of my brother’s look, and the ever stronger, fiercer desire I felt to melt into him. With me, he acted like a creator. He sensed—no, he was sure—that he was shaping me day by day into the image of something special that he loved unconsciously. And passionately.

Page 70

I felt I should minimize the whole thing, but was petrified by a hardness on his face I had never seen before. A dangerous light glinted in his eyes, and an animal’s clenched teeth showed between his tight lips. The black-and-blue mark someone else’s hand had put on my behind had enraged him—even though I didn’t always emerge unscathed from our own wrestling matches. A savage heat started burning in my flesh, and I suddenly felt proud of having caused the bruise, which had the magnificent power of showing me the strength of my brother’s passion. My skin became translucent, the better to show Antonio my pre-adolescent frailty. He couldn’t take his eyes off my bruised flesh. “The bastard! The bastard!”

Page 90

“I won’t even let my parents raise a hand to him. Do you think I’m going to let you?” “I am his teacher, not his.…” “…brother,” finished Antonio, in a voice as sharp as a whip-crack. “I’m his brother. Me.” They watched each other in silence. No need to explain further.

Page 92

Within me, my brother’s presence stirred a craving for apocalypse. The Latin words falling softly from his lips tickled the most secret parts of my body, as if he were speaking directly to me and not to God.

Page 167

I could detail the disturbing contents of your dreams, the things you yourself don’t know, one anxiety after another. I could tell you if I knew the right words … but who could prompt me, who could give me those mysterious words? I know you so well, I can’t describe you. There is a you of you I can certainly describe. But I can’t tell you a thing about the other you of you, my you.

Page 235

You cross the hallway. You try to open my bedroom door, but it is closed. And locked. You order me to open it, as if I still belonged to you. You beg me to open it, as if you still belonged to me. But I don’t open it, and I don’t stop shouting.

Page 255

You lick our tears from my eyes before they stain my face, like someone trying to get drunk. You feed on us. And you say: “Easy, easy. I’m here.” But I know you don’t want me to stop, because you really do need to feed on me.

Page 256

And this is a classic passage, you might have seen it around before:

“I love you because you’re mine. I love you because I possess you. I love you because you need love. I love you because you’re disorder, and I don’t like order. I love you because when you look at me I feel like a hero, and always have. I especially love you because I’ve finally understood that I can’t talk about my love to anyone else but you, and that’s what real love is. Two beings who make up one solitude, one silence. And I love you because touching you makes me feel I’m more of a man than anyone.” You look at me as if you were in me. And you are in me. And outside me. Everywhere.

Page 262

oh please don't apologize! i’ve actually read this book, i think i’ve even posted a few quotes from it on here. it's incredibly well-written, unsettling, and confronting. funnily enough, i actually found out about this book because years ago i watched the film from beginning to end (also about an intense sexual relationship between two brothers) and there was a quote from it that i really liked:

“i love you because you’re mine. i love you because you need love. i love you because when you look at me i feel like a hero. it was always like that. i love you because when i touch you i feel more a man than any other man.”

so i googled it and the carnivorous lamb popped up and i read the premise and was like wait was the movie based on this book? but there was no acknowledgment of the book in the movie’s credits and i couldn’t find anything about it being an inspiration for the movie on wikipedia so i was like holy shit. then i read the carnivorous lamb (and loved it like it’s really incredible) and realized that from beginning to end completely ripped off the book. even the opening lines in from beginning to end are super reminiscent of a specific passage from the carnivorous lamb. 

the movie opens with:

“i was born with my eyes wide shut. sure, everybody is born with their eyes closed. but mine were closed so tight, they formed wrinkles. i remained with my eyes closed for more than two weeks. my mother, contrary to expectations, didn’t worry [...] while he [brother] stared at me through the thick, soundproof nursery glass window, i without any reason opened my eyes, and looked straight into his.”

and in the book, ignacio says:

“from the moment i opened my eyes, an incredible sixteen days after i was born, you [brother] were always sure of everything where i was concerned. it was all laid out in advance for you, even the unexpected. do you remember? mother used to say i was born with the will to stay blind forever.”

god, apologies for my rant but that literally always comes to mind whenever i think about the carnivorous lamb like how did they get away with just straight up plagiarizing agustín gómez-arcos in that movie lmao? anyway! thanks for sharing your favorite quotes i actually have a couple of these highlighted in my book!

[charmingyong]

Trust the Magenta Lilacs

Lilacs symbolize spring, renewal, and first love. Magenta lilacs symbolize love and passion. Regardless of colour, lilacs have a lasting association with love and romance.

Genre: Taeyong x fem!reader, university, humour, fluff, angst, slow burn, friends with benefits, friends to lovers

Characters: Y/N, Taeyong, Joy, Johnny, Yuta, Ten, Mark, Jaehyun

Warnings: slow burn, suggestive themes, talks of sex (not explicit), emotional trauma, swear words, alcohol consumption, harassment, feelings of betrayal, trust issues

Plot: You weren’t interested in relationships. But your dear friend Joy was desperate to have you living a more thrilling university life. She introduced you to a group of boys, in which one of them shook your heart.

Word count: 26k

Disclaimer: This story was inspired by a talk between my sister and her friend about their friends' relationships. Regarding this, the main characters are completely fictional and do not fully represent these people nor the true personalities of the idols casted. If you are triggered by the warnings, I advise you to either read with caution or not read this. There's only a couple of scenes which I think can be triggering for some people.

A/N: The italicized English lyrics half-way in the story is My Everything by NCT U. 

© 2021 charmingyong.

- ❀ -

“I’ll be back shortly with your drinks.” Your server gave you and Joy a smile before leaving your table.

You took the time to look around the on-campus restaurant. It was just after two in the afternoon, meaning a lot of students were still in classes and explained the numerous empty tables. A soft music was playing in the background, creating a peaceful ambiance for anyone to come in and de-stress from their routine while enjoying a variety of comfort foods on the menu. Life wasn’t stressful just yet, as it was only the beginning of the fall semester of your senior year.

You brought your eyes to look at the girl sitting across from you, her gaze dreamily locked onto the retreating figure. “He’s so hot with that mustache,” she said. Once the server was out of her sight, she shifted her gaze to yours for a sign of agreement.

You didn’t say anything. In fact, you already forgot how he looked like the second he left your table and you didn’t give him a second glance. Because you didn’t care. Joy raised an eyebrow at you, waiting for your response and so you said the truth. “I don’t remember...”

Her eyes blew up in shock. “You sure you don’t have a short-term memory loss or something? How can you forget his super handsome face? Like you don’t have to look at boys just for relationships, you know that right? Unless you’re...” she trailed off with a sly smile.

You rolled your eyes at her. “If I was, I would have kissed you by now.” You stuck your tongue out at her playfully.

She let out a sigh. “I’d love to have that kiss. But jokes aside, you’re seriously missing out. You can literally do anything and your parents won’t know. Of course, I’m not suggesting that you do bad things, but looking at guys isn’t a bad thing. Maybe you’ll find a guy that catches your eye and something happens between you two. Like talking, flirting, crushing on him, becoming friends with him... maybe fall in love. When else is the perfect chance to meet boys than in university?” Joy ended off with an excited and hopeful expression on her face, wishing that you’d agreed with her.

You only shrugged nonchalantly. You weren’t scared for your parents to find out about what you were up to and you didn’t care. You knew how to your ‘me’ time in your upper years compared to when you were a freshman. Considering the amount of tea Joy brought to you to spill, you preferred staying single than having drama in your life.

You knew Joy was respective with your decision to stay single because she knew that made you feel comfortable. But at times like this, she would try to talk you into giving boys a chance. Joy didn’t want her friend to end up feeling lonely and unhappy. You only really had Joy as a good friend, thanks to your introverted personality. One time she asked you whether your decision to stay single had anything to do with your father, in which your reply was a prompt no. But you thought about it from time to time. What if it was?

She crossed her arms and leaned back in her chair. “You’re coming with me this weekend.”

“No.”

“I wasn’t asking.”

“I don’t want to.” You knew what Joy was referring to. There was a party happening this weekend. Whenever Joy went to attend parties, you stayed back at your shared apartment. You never liked the idea of going to parties when you weren’t ready to mingle with strangers.

“Before you say no again, actually take your time thinking about it, Y/N.” With that, both of your drinks arrived.

- ❀ -

“Are you sure you really, really, really don’t want to go to this party? It’s for your own good, Y/N, and I promise I won’t leave you alone.” Joy brought out her best puppy eyes and pouted with her bright shade of red lipstick on her lips. She looked stunning standing by the front door of the apartment, wearing a black mini dress under a black leather jacket.

You knew she wouldn’t leave you alone without a warning and you also knew it was for your own good. But you couldn’t care less about it. Go stubborn! “Even though you look super cute right now trying to talk me into coming with you, I’m super sure about not going to this party,” you said confidently.

Joy’s face fell momentarily before picking up her mood again. “Well then, I’ll be heading off. Don’t stay up for me in case... you know,” she winked at me and walked out the front door.

- ❀ -

You woke up the next morning with someone shaking you roughly, almost pushing you off your bed. “Y/N! You need to come with me now!”

“What the heck Joy? Let me sleep,” you groaned and snuggled under your cozy blanket. But Joy had other plans and ripped the blanket from your body, leaving you slightly cold. With the way Joy was determined to follow her agenda, you groaned and sat up. “Fine, what is it? Where are we going?”

She squealed in excitement with a huge smile plastered on her face. “We’re going to their house!”

“Whose?”

“To Johnny’s and his friends’!”

Who was Johnny? “Why are we going to their house, especially this early in the morning? Is their house some sort of museum?”

Joy giggled at your joke. “It is in a way. And Johnny invited you over.” Your eyebrows furrowed, confused that a boy you had never met invited you to his house. “He’s really a sweetheart and a gentleman and the other boys are really friendly too. You don’t have to be nervous about the meet. They’re curious to meet you after I talked about you at the party.”

You were used to this. Joy always talked about you to others as if she was running around and sharing your dating profile to prospective partners. Though she never actually tried to set you up with someone. She would only talk about you and your non-thrilling life and your vow to stay away from boys.

She never forced you to meet boys and so the fact that she was doing so then shocked you.

“Don’t worry. You will like them too. And find them hot. I just know it! All I’m asking is for you to give them a chance. Just trust me and let’s go, please?” Once again, she shot her signature puppy look at you, making you sigh in defeat.

- ❀ -

When you two reached the front door of their house, Joy knocked. As if on cue, the door opened immediately to reveal a tall guy with a beautiful smile adorning his face. “Good morning, ladies. You must be Y/N. I’m Johnny. Come on in and please make yourself feel comfortable.” He moved to the side to let you two in.  

Once in the living room, Joy turned her head to give you a look. You could read her face well and knew that she was asking if you found Johnny hot. You didn’t give her any sign of response, wanting to create suspense for her.

“Joy talked about you at the party and it would be a pleasure to meet you. I’m glad she loved my idea and brought you over to meet me and the others.”

“But why would u want to meet me?”

He gasped, not believing that you didn’t know the reason yourself. “You’re seriously asking me that? It would be a huge honour to hear you call me handsome. Girls always compliment me about my dashing looks that it would be interesting when a beautiful girl like you would say otherwise.”

Beautiful girl? “You’ve never seen me before. How would know if I was beautiful?”

“Because everyone is beautiful.” A voice was heard behind Johnny and a boy appeared beside him. “Hello princess, I’m Yuta. Always at ladies’ service,” Yuta said with a smile and a wink.

Your heart fluttered yet also cringed a little internally with his flirty manner. Joy had warned you in advance of a flirtatious guy named Yuta. The good thing with him was that he made sure to stay within his limits and he wouldn’t do anything to make the receiving end feel uncomfortable. You hadn’t known him for even a minute and you weren’t not sure whether you should like him or be wary of him. Though you had to give him points for saying that everyone was beautiful. “I like that you guys think everyone is beautiful.”

He chuckled. “Think? Oh no. It’s a fact, princess.”

Another boy showed up. “Wait, what’s the fact?”

“Everyone is beautiful.”

“Oh yes I agree. Everyone is, especially my Johnny. He once grew out his hair past his shoulders and I fell in love with him all over again. By the way I’m Ten, and you are Y/N, right?”  

“Yes.”

“Ah the Y/N Joy talked about last night. It’s a pleasure to meet you, princess,” Yuta gave you a smile so beautiful that made your heart heal a little. “But I have to say. Mark sleeping on such an honourable guest is quite disrespectful.  

Johnny nodded. “I agree. Mark!” he yelled. “Quit sleeping and come down! The royal highness is here!” You were starting to think whether these boys’ sanity was okay, treating you like you needed the red carpet to walk on.

A faint grumble was heard from above, followed by some light footsteps making their way down the stairs. In entered a boy you guessed was Mark. His face was scrunched up with his messy bed hair. When his eyes landed on you, his eyes blew up and looked like he was fully awake now, flustered that your first impression of him was his sleepy appearance. “Oh hi there. I’m Mark,” he greeted you with a smile.

Ten snickered. “Y/N knows since you needed a special wakeup call from hyung.”

Mark elbowed him in the ribs, making Ten let out a small cry of pain.

“Mark! We don’t condone violence in this house, especially in front of ladies,” Johnny scolded.

“But hyung-”

“No!”

Mark grumbled under his breath. “Not fair.”

Yuta heard him. “Do you want a boo-boo kiss for hyung being mean, Markie?”

“What the hell hyung? No!”

You were grateful that Joy dragged you out of bed to meet a bunch of boys you’d never seen before. You’d be lying if you said you didn’t find them attractive. They were pretty handsome. But that was it. You didn’t feel anything else inside you that would make you want to interact with them in a manner more than friends. The way the boys were polite with you and playful with each other made you want to be friends with them.  

In the midst of everything happening from the boys pulling each other’s legs (not literally thankfully) to your train of thoughts, you didn’t hear the front door open. From the corner of your eyes, you saw a figure appear that stood a few feet away from you. When you shifted your focus onto it, your breathing stopped momentarily and your blood rushed faster inside you. The boy’s gaze was locked on you, not moving a single muscle to see what his housemates were up to. His poker face intimidated you, and you felt like a deer caught in headlights, paralyzed. What shocked you the most was his big brown eyes, so large that you could see yourself in the middle of the galaxy.

- ❀ -

“Y/N, are you taking any easy courses right now?” Ten asked. “One of my classes is going to drive me crazy and I want to switch out.”

After all the boys were introduced to you and numbers were exchanged, Johnny suggested having breakfast together. You sat with Joy and your new friends at a nearby diner, talking about school while eating your meal.

“Hmm... how about Korean? I’m taking the beginner’s course so it’s all basics.”

He nodded looking satisfied. “Having the others around already has me knowing the basics. So that sounds like a good class to me.”

“I’m going to switch too,” Yuta blurted.

Mark was surprised with Yuta’s announcement out of the blue. “I thought you liked all your classes. And you’re super fluent in Korean.”

“Where’s the fun if I’m not around Y/N? Plus, they don’t have paper proof on me that I’m better at Korean than you.”

“HYUNG!”

While you were busy talking about the course syllabus and who they should contact as there was an upcoming quiz, Taeyong felt his mobile vibrate in his pocket. He pulled it out to see a message from Lez. “I’m going to see Lez today,” he informed Johnny who was sitting across from him at the end of the table.

“Weren’t you gonna hang out with someone already today?” Johnny asked.

Taeyong nodded. “Yeah, Brie. But I’m meeting Lez before the party tonight so I’ll get to the party with her.”

“Alright man.”

Joy overheard them and she wasn’t sure how to feel about Taeyong. She hadn’t been able to learn much about him at the party, considering he was absent most of the time when she talked to the others. All she heard about him was that he had many girls in his contacts.

“There’s another party tonight?” you asked from Mark’s outburst when he challenged Yuta to rap his verse that he prepared for the party.

“Of course! It’s Saturday. Parties happen until Sunday even.”

“I mean- I know that but Joy didn’t tell me...” and you figured it was her plan to have you clueless until she could strike her chance to persuade you. If you had known beforehand, you would have slammed a big fat NO on her face. You turned to Joy with suspicious eyes, but she only looked at you with innocence, batting her eyelashes.

“You are coming right?” Yuta asked you.

Ten spoke up, not willing to take any objections. “Of course she is! Now that she has us, we’re dragging her to the party. We’re not having her miss out on another party. She needs to live a little.”

Mark nodded agreeing with him. “Yes Y/N, you really should come. You can just hang around us. Please?”

With the way Mark pleaded you with his adorable cute eyes and pouted lips, you couldn’t help but agree to finally go to your first ever party in university. “Okay.”

Everyone at the table let out various noises of excitement. You could have sworn you saw Joy’s eyes tear up in happiness. Johnny, who was silently watching the commotion, smiled at you, pleased with your decision.

That was everyone except for Taeyong, who was smirking at his phone.

- ❀ -

“So how do you feel about the boys? Was I right?”

You and Joy said your goodbyes to the boys from the diner and drove back to your apartment. The boys decided to pick you and Joy up tonight and go to the party together. You slumped down onto the couch, feeling good about the interaction and making new friends. “Yes, you were. They’re friendly and funny too. Gosh that was so nerve-wracking on our way there though, not knowing what to expect.”

Joy punched the air in glory of her victory. “Yes, yes, yes! Okay but the main question is do you find them hot?” she asked eagerly. Your nod made Joy do a big happy dance and yelled out a “Finally!”

“They’re all pretty handsome. I would actually hit myself if I said they weren’t. But that’s about it. I don’t feel anything else towards them.” It was the truth. Their good looks didn’t spark anything else inside you besides warmth from their playful interactions that you witnessed. The only exception did go to-

“That’s fine! To hear you finally find a guy attractive is enough for me to die in peace.” She closed her eyes and wiped away her nonexistent tears. “But who struck you the most?”  

When your gaze was locked on the boy with deep brown eyes, you heard Johnny introduce you to Taeyong. You shifted your sight to the owner of the voice and that was when you learned that the name of the boy who made you feel uneasy was Taeyong. You felt your breathing somewhat come back once your eyes were anywhere except on him, but your stiffness was still there. His mere presence made you feel intimidated by him, which was why you tried to sit as far away as possible from him at the diner. Though out of all the boys you met, he was the most good-looking.

“Taeyong,” you answered.

Her face fell at your answer, which wasn’t the reaction you expected. “What do you feel with Taeyong?” Joy grew anxious.

“You don’t look happy.”

“I’m sorry. I just don’t know how to feel with Taeyong. I haven’t really talked to him at the party and I don’t want you to get involved with him more than just friends.”

To say you were shocked was an understatement. After all this time of Joy getting you to interact with boys, she placed a restriction with the one you found the most good-looking. It wasn’t a problem anyway as you didn’t feel anything else with Taeyong except for running away from him. “But why?”

She shook her head. “I don’t know the truth and I don’t want to sound like I’m judging him without knowing the truth. But it seems like I’m already doing that,” she chuckled to herself. “He... talks to a lot of girls.”

You were confused. What was that supposed to mean? “Does he like fuck around with them?”

“Well I don’t know about that, but he is seeing a lot of girls and he’s not officially in a relationship with anyone so it’s not like he’s two-timing or cheating, but... You know I don’t want you getting hurt, especially since I forced this whole meeting boys thing on you. I don’t want him to mislead you and have something more than friends going on but at the end breaks it off and hurts you. I just want you to be happy without getting hurt.”

You nodded, understanding her. “I know you only want the best for me, Joy.”

She laughed quietly. “Remember what I said one time if you were to ever have a boyfriend?”

You smiled, vividly reminiscing her words. “That you’ll do a background check on him to make sure he’s good.”

She nodded. “Because I don’t want you to go through what I did with my past exes. Being friends with Taeyong is fine. Anything more than that and I’m not going to sit around and do nothing.”

- ❀ -

“Y/N! Are you ready yet?”

The evening rolled in faster than you expected and you were nowhere near ready for the party. You were going to your first ever party in university so you wanted to dress up the very best. However, your wardrobe was lacking the appropriate attire for the event.  

Joy walked into your bedroom to check up on you. “What’s taking so long, girl?”  

You sighed loudly, giving up on your search for the perfect outfit and you lied down on your bed feeling disappointed. “I can’t find anything to wear.” 

Joy walked up to your open wardrobe and shuffled your clothes around. She paused and picked something up, showing you her selection. “This is so cute!” she gushed. “I’ve never seen you wear this.” 

Lifting your head up, you saw her holding a top that you had never worn before. Because you didn’t have the confidence to do so. “I’m not wearing that.”

She rolled her eyes. “You’re wearing this or I’m going to make you wear one of my dresses.”

That was all she had to say before you jumped onto your feet and snatched the top from her hand. Your friend snickered, knowing how much you hated wearing dresses.

You heard a phone ring, making Joy pull out her phone and answer the call. “Hey John!” she greeted in a sweet tone. “Okay, we’ll be there in a bit.” She shoved her phone back in her pocket. “The boys are here waiting for us.”

- ❀ -

Johnny parked the car on the road among many other cars and your group walked down the sidewalk that lead up to the extravagant exterior of the house. Once inside, you were amazed by the humongous space and even more by the number of people occupying it. Students were talking with red solo cups in their hands, dancing with the music blasting from the hi-fi stereo system, playing games and laughing at the losers. If Joy or any of your new friends left you alone, you were going to cry. You did not fit in here with your monotone studious life.

Johnny informed your group that Taeyong was going to arrive at the party on his own. You weren’t sure whether you hoped to find him or avoid crossing his path. He hadn’t talked with you at all yet, neither at their house nor at the diner. Your theory was that he was a quiet boy. But if Joy was right, then how would a quiet boy have many girls in his contacts? He had to have talked to initiate something with them. But then considering his looks, girls would have approached him first. You were close to concluding that Taeyong didn’t like you and that was a problem if you and Joy were going to hang out with the boys often. He was going to be unavoidable unless he was busy himself. As if the thought of him not liking you wasn’t enough, you on the other hand were simply intimidated with the aura he radiated when looking into his eyes.

“Y/N, follow me!” Ten grabbed your hand and led you to the other side of the house. There was some space by the wall, looking like a stage for performances to occur. You were curious what acts were going to take place.

An unknown guy showed up with a mic on the stage. “Yo whatzzup everyone?” The crowd who was there to see the stage cheered loudly. “Alright so we got the Misfit gang ready to perform. Are you ready for a rocking, roof raising performance by them?”

A collection of loud yeses and cheers had the music begin. No one was on the stage yet, leaving the performer a surprise. Right before the verse began, Mark stepped onto the stage with a mic, making your eyes blow up in shock.

“I’m a misfit manneun fit jachega eopji

Sumi teokteok makin oseul ibeun neukkim

Jigyeopji gomin eopsi geunyang rip it

Nareul kkeureonaeriryeo halsurok get lifted”

You gawked at Mark and his ability to spit fire just minutes after arriving to the party. You realized that the rap Mark was referring to over breakfast was the performance for Misfit.

And what followed next was beyond your wildest imagination. The crowd parted to let Taeyong walk to the stage while rapping his verse.

“Aesseo nal jaedanharyeoneun geon dwaesseo

Jigeum idaero ga the best never mess up

Uisimi eopji geujeo bring it to the next

Nan deunneun bangbeobeul molla I’m a def”

You were struck by how handsome he looked wearing a black button-down shirt and ripped jeans with matching hair colour that made his beautiful face stand out even more. And though you were still intimidated by him, your heart couldn’t help itself from fluttering at how handsome he looked as a performer. 

One after another, the rappers made their way to the stage at the appropriate time for their verses. Johnny was the last one to jump on and his entry made the girls in the audience squeal in delight. It seemed like Johnny was quite a catch for the ladies.

When all the rappers sang the ending chorus, you were dazed by Taeyong’s presence on stage and the power he held. And it was not just you who slightly swooned over him, but other girls and boys too. After their performance ended, you heard a guy from the crowd yell “I love you Taeyong!” that resulted in a series of confessions being thrown from the audience to the rappers on the stage.

“So did you like their performance?” Ten asked you.

You nodded slowly, still in shock with the adrenaline-rushing performance that you were blessed to see. “Yeah totally! I didn’t know they could rap like that.”

“As expected from the aces,” Yuta said.

“Totally,” Ten agreed. “Oh hyung! Wanna go grab some drinks? Y/N, do you want some too?”

You were starting to feel a bit anxious with the number of people you were surrounded with. Before entering the place, you noticed a balcony on the second floor and wished to go there so that you could breathe comfortably. “Sure but am I allowed to go on the second floor? I want some fresh air.”

Yuta nodded. “Of course. You’re allowed to go anywhere unless there’s a sign that says otherwise. I’ll come up with your drink,” he smiled at you before Ten dragged him away.

The staircase was easily spotted and right when you took a step, you forgot about Joy ever since Ten dragged you away for the stage. You tried looking around, but you couldn’t spot your friend. Pulling out your phone, you found a notification from her.

Joy: Looks like you’re in good hands ;) call me if you need me <3 have fun!

You let out a breath of relief, grateful that Joy wasn’t mad at you for forgetting about her. With that, you made your way up the stairs and down the hallway to the room you guessed had the balcony. The door was fully open, displaying a full view of the balcony. Perfect! You poked your head in to make sure no one was inside. All clear! Walking up to the balcony, you leaned on the railing and took a fresh deep breath of the chilly night, instantly relaxing.

It wasn’t long until you heard footsteps that made you turn on your heel to see who was coming in your direction.

Taeyong.

With a girl beside him.

Hands linked together.

When he saw you face him, he held your gaze for a few seconds, his face unreadable before disappearing into the room adjacent to yours.

He did it again. He made you feel anxious. And a thing you confirmed about him was that he did have something going on with girls that involved a bedroom.

You left your room as you had no interest to listen to their private activity. Halfway down the hall, Yuta showed up with a drink in each hand. “What’s up, princess?” he asked, handing you your drink.

“I’m not feeling the balcony anymore.”

He peeked over your shoulder at the vacant balcony room behind you, giving you a look like you were crazy for ditching an awesome quieter spot compared to the floor below. “Come on! It’s empty and the view looks great.” He began walking in the direction of the balcony room until…

Noises were heard behind the closed doors.

He stopped in his tracks and realized why you were against the idea. A smirk made its way onto his face and he pointed an index finger at the room Taeyong was in, silently asking you if that was your reason.

You nodded.

Yuta strolled back to where you were fixed. “So you really are a virgin?”

You felt embarrassed. It sounded like you should have lost your v-card being a senior student. “Yeah…”

“It’s nothing to be ashamed of, Y/N. I had a guess that you were when Joy talked about you.”

“It’s embarrassing.”

He shook his head, disagreeing with you. “No, it’s not. There’s nothing wrong with that. People have their reasons for doing it or not.”

That made you think about Taeyong. What was his reason? Was it just to satisfy his sexual desire? Was it something else?

“What’s your reason? Waiting for someone special?” he asked.

You did have your reason, but it wasn’t the one Yuta guessed. You were never interested in that special someone to come into your life and for that reason, you chucked the idea of ever having your first time out the window. Sure, one-night stands existed but losing your virginity to a complete stranger didn’t appeal to you. “No, I’m not waiting for anyone special. I am… like curious… but I wasn’t interested with any guy to… you know?”

He cocked his head to the side, amused. “I should have seen that coming. But are you still not into guys? Because…” he trailed off, pointing his thumb towards himself.

You raised an eyebrow. “Because…?”

He laughed. “Are you serious? Am I not handsome?”

Oh. For a brief moment, you thought he was implying you to have sex with him. You were almost positive that he was. To answer his question, “You are handsome, Yuta.” You remembered your first impression of his, debating whether to like him or not. After talking more with him, you realized he was only being nice to you and so you warmed up to him fairly quickly.

The pride he felt with your confession brought a huge smile on his face. “You do know how much it means for me to hear that from you, right? Any guy would die to hear that from you, princess.”

You frowned. “I don’t think that’s true.”

“Nonsense. Don’t sell yourself short. You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen,” he stated seriously.

It wasn’t that you thought you weren’t beautiful in your eyes. You were beautiful. But it was the thought of what if you weren’t attractive to the opposite sex that made you keep denying it, especially if they were only saying it to act polite. The way Yuta looked at you with soft sparkling eyes made your heart melt and so you believed his words.

Right at that time, you heard a door open and saw the girl with Taeyong earlier leave the room, followed by the boy himself. His skin was slightly flushed, couple of buttons on his shirt undone, and his hair a bit messier than before entering the room. He noticed you and Yuta standing afar and walked up to you both after sending a “see you later” to the girl. “Hey Yuta,” he greeted his friend first before acknowledging you. “Hi Y/N.”

And he did it again. Looking at you with his indifferent expression before turning to Yuta to exchange a few words. Your heart was beating so fast with your sight locked on his handsome yet intimidating side profile.

He looked at you for a brief moment, quietly muttering “see you later,” and made his way towards the staircase.

Your heart rate returned to normal after he left, but you were worried that it wasn’t going to be the last time seeing him that night. The untouched drink in your hand was the perfect solution to your concern and you downed it in one go, burning your throat.

- ❀ -

The next day, you and Joy went to their house after lunch. Joy had a review session with Johnny and Ten for math and while you knew Joy had put it off till her last year to finish the requirement, you were surprised that Johnny did the same. Ten being a year younger than them took the course at the same time in order to be with Johnny.

“Damn these first-year courses having huge lecture halls and being jam packed. We could have met earlier!” Ten whined.

“I know right!” Joy exclaimed.

You didn’t have anything else to do as your courses were fairly light for the first few weeks. The only thing in your agenda was your Korean quiz coming up in the middle of the week. For that, you had the word list saved on your phone to pull up easily. You tagged along with Joy hoping to hang around more with your new friends.

Johnny came back into the living room, looking nervous. “Uh guys, we have a problem. I can’t find the textbook.”

“What?! Hyung I trusted you!” It turned out that Ten didn’t purchase the textbook in order to save money. Why buy one when your friend had one?

“Oh no. I didn’t buy one thinking I can just go to the library and sign one out,” Joy said.

“We can just do that then. Go to the library,” Johnny suggested.

Ten groaned. “I hate libraries. It’s too quiet and serious. But we don’t have another choice, do we?”

Johnny only gave him a look, not saying anything.

With a sigh and an “okay,” Ten began gathering his stuff and shoving it in his backpack.

Johnny did the same and in the middle of it, he asked you, “Are you okay with library, Y/N?”

It was pointless to go there just to review off your phone. “No. Is anyone else here? Otherwise I’ll head home.”

Ten spoke up. “Mark is already at the library, the studious freshman he is. Yuta went out with his other friends. The only one left is Taeyong and he’s chilling in his room.”

Shit.

The conflict of deciding whether to stay or leave for home right at the moment was your fight-or-flight response talking. Taeyong was in the house. Alone. That thought made you want to fight and courageously talk to him and clear things up about his behaviour with you. Even though that idea had you panicky and wanting to flee, it had to be done because you wished to be on everyone’s good terms in the group.

“Okay. I’ll stay here then.”

Joy gave a you an unreadable look, which was a first. You could always read her no matter what the situation. But that moment had you guessing. Did she not like the idea of you being around Taeyong? Didn’t she say it was okay to be friends with him only? Was she worried for you? It was almost like she was warning you to be careful.

“Taeyong! We’re going to the library and Y/N will be here!” Johnny yelled up the stairs. There was no response.

“Hyung might have his headphones on.”

Nodding in agreement, Johnny said to you, “Okay Y/N. Feel free to make yourself at home. You’re welcome to have anything in the kitchen if hungry, watch or play on the TV. Anything. Understood?” He was making sure that you weren’t going to keep to yourself and feel like a stranger in the house.

“I’ll try,” you smiled at the heartfelt words.

Once ready they left, and you felt uneasy. You thought his mere presence just inches from you made your heart pump faster. But being alone in the house with him upstairs was slowly killing you.

You opted to sit on the couch and review the word list on your phone. After going through half the list, you hear a door open upstairs and soft footsteps making their way down the stairs. Your body stiffened, hands sweating, and the speed at which your blood was pumping made you feel a little lightheaded.

On his way to the kitchen, Taeyong froze in his tracks upon noticing a quiet girl on the couch.

You shifted your gaze to look at the flustered boy. He didn’t expect you to be alone.

“Hi,” you squeaked, your voice betraying you as if it had chosen the flight response and jumped out the window.

He recovered from the surprise and greeted you back. “Hi. Where are the others?”

You cleared your throat hoping your voice to come back and informed him of the situation.

He nodded in understanding. Ditching the reason for going to the kitchen in the first place, he walked to where you sat and settled down on the couch across from you. “You stayed,” he stated it in a way to indirectly question you the reason for your stay when no one else was downstairs.

You badly wanted to ask him something, but you were a little scared. Honestly, you were extremely terrified, but you didn’t want to admit it. He didn’t give any signs away whether he liked you or not. You couldn’t think of a single reason as to why he would hate you. If he liked you, as an acquaintance, then he was really good at hiding his emotions.

You cleared your throat again. “Taeyong, can I ask you something?”

He nodded.

Your heart was pounding against your chest, scared to hear his answer. “Do you not like me? I meant like... do you hate me?”

Taeyong’s eyes went big at your question. He never thought he was giving off that kind of message that made you think he hated you. He knew he wasn’t talking to you like the way others did. But it was for a reason that was opposite to not liking you. He really was into you and wanted to get to know you better. But his fear stopped him from talking to you.

He didn’t realize his silence was making you restless and made you jump to your conclusion. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what it is that made you not like me but if you let me know-”

“No! I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to act the way I did. It’s just that I like you and I don’t know what you’ve heard about me and I don’t want to mess up and I- I really don’t know what to say.” He buried his head in his hands, frustrated that he couldn’t find it in him to explain himself clearly.

You on the other hand went still by his outburst. “You like me?”

His head shot up in alarm. “No no no! I mean yes but no not like that. I mean like friends.”

You let out a breath of relief and flashed a small yet sincere smile. Both from knowing that Taeyong liked you and as friends only. You were not ready for a confession that fast from a guy that you had met recently without much interactions, especially from the one that made you feel intimidated. After hearing that him not liking you wasn’t true and seeing his softer side through his rambling, your heart rate started to return to normal and you no longer felt uneasy around him like you did before.

His fingers became fidgety, nervously wanting to ask you something. “Have you heard about me?”

You didn’t know what to say for a moment. You didn’t want him to think that you were judging him from the little information Joy told you and what you saw last night. Nodding slowly, you said, “Kind of, but I want to hear it from you. I heard you have a lot of girls in your contacts.”

Taeyong half smiled at you. “You’re right I talk to girls. But…” He was trying to come up with the right words without making him sound like a fuckboy or player even if the case sounded like that. “I make it clear with them in the beginning that I only want to be friends with them, or even taking it further to being friends with benefits if they want. No relationships so I’m not playing with anyone’s heart.”

Oh. “So the girls that you talk to are only your friends?”

He flashed a smile. “Yes. I promise I’m not a fuckboy.”

It didn’t make sense to you. What was the big issue with that?

“I know what you’re thinking.” He looked down at his hands. “I seek something from them. And if I’m not getting it, I don’t talk to them.”

Personal gain? But not sex? “They’re not your true friends, are they?”

He shook his head. “Not like the boys.”

“What is it that you need from them?”

He closed his eyes, sort of wishing he never started the conversation. It made him feel vulnerable and open to you when he had only known you, well seen you for a day. No one had ever asked him for the truth. The boys would only assume it was what he wanted and they knew Taeyong would tell them if he was in a relationship. They would observe his behaviour around the girls and he never flirted in a way to mislead them. All the girls knew what he wanted, and those more obsessive would try their ways to win his heart in hopes of a commitment from him and earn the girlfriend title. But that never happened with the boundaries set beforehand. Whenever a case arose of a girl finding her significant other, it was the time for him to end the friendship. Call it friendships or flings, he didn’t know. He could care less because at the end of the day, all he sought from the girls were…

“Affection.”

Taeyong came from a damaged household where his parents were divorced when he was in middle school. Too busy with their own lives, neither of them gave him, their only child, the love and attention every child needed growing up. Ever since, he had been searching for it without getting into relationships. He didn’t want himself or the other person to get hurt in a commitment, and this was him speaking on behalf of his trauma.

Taeyong told you everything. As the conversation went on, he realized he was bleeding his heart out to you. He didn’t know why he was sharing his deepest fear with you, the one he had never told another living soul before. Maybe it was the way you were willing to listen to him and gently ask questions that wouldn’t prick his heart.

He trusted you and that scared him.

You were speechless after he finished talking, feeling guilty for considering that he was a fuckboy. Your heart ached from listening to the trauma he experienced as a little boy. “You must have been through a lot.”

When he looked at you, you lost your breath again. But this time for a different reason.

The tears in his eyes.

“I- I’m so so sorry Taeyong.” You felt extremely guilty for letting your curiosity get the best of you.

He wiped his tears away. “Don’t be. I’ve never opened up to anyone and now that I did... it feels kind of good.”

You felt your heart flip and were grateful to be the one soul that Taeyong confided in. “Can I ask you a question?”

He chuckled softly. “You’ve been doing that all this time.”

“Can we be friends?”

He blinked. “Do you mean friends like the other girls or real?”

“Real friends. Probably like the way I’ll be with the other boys here. A real friendship... like the way I’m with Joy.”

The smile that slowly made its way onto his face was the most beautiful smile that you had ever seen in your life. It made you want to have a one-on-one talk with your heart and stop confusing the hell out of you for it to pound in your chest again.

“I’d love that.”

- ❀ -

The day of your Korean quiz arrived and you were eager to put your Korean learning skills to test. After the class ended in the evening, you got into the passenger seat of Yuta’s car and Ten took a seat in the back.

“How was the quiz, guys?” you asked.

They were able to swiftly catch up from what they missed the first class. Ten went over the word list a few times while Yuta scanned over it once and never looked back at it.

“Easy peasy lemon squeezy,” Yuta said calmly. You laughed at his choice of words.

“Same but I might have made a mistake,” Ten laughed at himself, not worrying too much of the first quiz.

“You would make a mistake if it was in English too.”

“Hyung, you’re so mean!”

“Why would Ten?” you asked Yuta.

“He can speak five languages so his brain is scattered all over the place.”

You were mind blown by the learning ability of the boy sitting behind you. “Seriously Ten?”

“Oh yeah! My mother tongue is Thai, I grew up learning English, then I learned Korean from the boys, then a little Mandarin from my other friends, and I’m learning a little bit of Japanese from Yuta.”

Damn. This guy was impressive. “I’ll be really impressed if you do better on the Korean quiz than me.”

“Wanna bet?”

“Sure. On what?” You were confident that you aced it, so you were positive that you’d win the bet.

“When we all go out to a restaurant and bar, the loser gets drunk.”

You have never gotten drunk before, only ever having one drink and called it a night. The most that you had felt from alcohol was feeling tipsy as you were more on the lightweight side. The idea of getting drunk for the first time with your friends around to keep you safe sounded like a good bet.

That was if you lost.

“Deal.”

Arriving at their house, you walked in to find Taeyong playing a game on the TV. He noticed you and paused the game. “Hey guys,” he greeted with his soft eyes landing on you, melting your heart a little.

“Hey hyung! What are you up to?” Ten asked, throwing himself on the couch beside him.

“Playing for a bit before going out.”

“Ooo~ Who are you seeing?” Ten wiggled his eyebrows.

“Mel.”

“That hot girl? How are you not dating her already?”

Taeyong looked at you with a knowing look and didn’t say anything. As if on cue, a notification chimed making Taeyong pick up his phone. He stood up immediately and began walking to the front door. “I’ll see you guys later.”

“Have fun hyung! Be safe!” Ten teased.

Taeyong rolled his eyes at him and shifted his gaze onto you, sending a genuine smile before turning on his heels.

Your heart fluttered at the smile he sent your way. You liked seeing this side of Taeyong a lot, soft and smiling, unlike his previous cold self. This was the result of your courageous encounter the other day and you were quite proud of yourself to have resolved the matter with him.

“Okay guys! Let’s study Korean!” Ten shouted.

“Say that in Korean, you coward,” Yuta said.

“Hangukmareul kongbuhapsida!” Ten stuck his tongue out at Yuta.

“You didn’t translate ‘Okay guys!’”

Ten searched for something inside his backpack, retrieving a pair of scissors and chased after Yuta.

- ❀ -

The next few weeks, you spent time hanging out with the boys even in Joy’s absence. You would play Mario Kart on the TV with them, smiling proudly at the end for coming first place after one of the rounds. The shocked face on Ten riled him up and promised himself to beat you in the next round.

You had been getting closer to Taeyong, feeling super comfortable around him to the point you’d occasionally hang out in his bedroom. Only hangouts, nothing else of that sort. He was full of surprises and so out of all the boys, you spent the most amount of time with him. His bedroom was super tidy and clean, numerous small plants sat on a multi-tier plant stand, candles of different scents and some colouring supplies on a dresser, a pair of headphones and laptop with a few books and a Febreze spray on the desk, and a series of Polaroid photos hanging off the strings on the wall. The vibe of his room was so serene that you wished you could live there.

How you had gone from staying away from boys to coolly laying beside one on his bed was beyond your brain’s ability to comprehend.

Sometimes Taeyong would cook a meal in the kitchen and the shocking part for you was that he’d take the time to decorate it like 5-star restaurants would.

You took a spoonful of bibimbap into your mouth. “Oh my goodness! This tastes so delicious, Tae!” The flavours bursting inside your mouth had you wiggling a happy dance.

Taeyong laughed his heart out. “I’m glad.” His heart was happily drinking up your animated self, devouring the food he prepared with all his heart. He didn’t realize he was staring at you longer than he should, not realizing that he was growing a deep tender affection for you.

- ❀ -

Your Korean teaching assistant had returned the graded quizzes at the end of class. You noticed two errors in your writing and your heart sank. “Dammit,” you cursed in your head. You were so confident in your Hangul writing that you expected a perfect score.

Ten nudged your elbow. “So Y/N, what did you get?”

“Two mistakes,” you said in a gloomy tone.

His eyes widen in excitement for beating you. “I got one! I won the bet! Yes!” He began throwing punches in the air.

“You didn’t beat me.”

“Shut up hyung! You weren’t even part of the bet.”

As much as you were excited to get drunk for the first time in your life, you were worried. After you told Joy about the bet, she told you a fair number of stories of how people acted when drunk. What if you said or did something wrong? “You all will take care of me right?”

Yuta snorted. “Is that even a question? Of course we will! Why? How is our princess when she’s drunk?” he teasingly asked you.

“Uh... I’ve never gotten drunk.”

They both looked at you as if you had grown a third head.

“No way!” Ten couldn’t believe you. “How can you not have by now? It’s something everyone would have done in high school or freshman year. Even Mark has.”

You shrugged. “I just never went out of my way to drink like that.”

Yuta looked genuinely concern. “Are you okay getting drunk? This is something no one should pressure you into as well.”

You nodded. “Yeah I am. I’m curious to know how it’s like to get drunk, and if it’s with you guys, I feel better.”

“Exactly hyung! Otherwise she shouldn’t have agreed to the bet. And wait, what do you mean as well?”

You knew Yuta was referring to your v-card but Ten not knowing had you confused. “You don’t know?”

“Know what?”

“I’m a virgin.”

“YOU’RE WHAT?” Talk about getting two shocking facts in a row.

“I thought Yuta would have told you.”

Yuta made a gesture of him zipping his lips. “I don’t go around spreading news about someone’s privacy. I’m a gentleman. Unlike someone.” He hinted at Ten.

“Hyung!”

“Now that Ten knows, everyone’s gonna know. Sorry Y/N.”

Ten crossed his arms. He knew it was true. It was hard to keep secrets in his stomach. “I’m not gonna go around campus and announce it.”

“I know. Even if it’s just inside the house, you’re still spreading it.”

After the talk with Yuta at the party, you weren’t feeling embarrassed like you used to. As long as it stayed within your friends. “It’s okay. Shouldn’t friends know anyway?”

- ❀ -

The news did spread, and thankfully only within the walls of their house. Johnny had seen it coming, Mark was baffled and didn’t know what to do with the information, and Taeyong was shocked.

You were laying on your stomach on Taeyong’s bed, reading through your notes for a course. Taeyong was sitting by his desk working on his laptop. Your mind kept going back to the virginity conversations. You’d be lying if your desires and curiosity weren’t growing inside you. Hanging out with handsome boys had made you feel things in your body that you had never experienced in your previously dull life.

Hesitancy was getting the best of you to ask something from Taeyong. You didn’t want to make your friend feel awkward with your inquiry. But you didn’t want to ask him after having some alcohol in order to have more courage. You wanted to be sober and fully alert.

“Tae?” you called to him quietly.

He stopped typing and turned to you. Seeing your worried facial expression, he grew concerned. “What’s wrong? Are you not feeling well?”

You grew restless and you shifted your body weight to sit upright. With a deep breath, you said something that you never thought you’d say in your life.

“I want to have sex.”

You caught him off guard so hard that he began choking on air. After recovering from the initial shock, he gathered his thoughts and quietly asked, “With who?”

You bit your lip and shrugged. To be honest, you didn’t have anyone in mind, but you wanted to make sure it was someone you could rely on and be gentle with you. “I wanted to ask you if you know any guy who’d be interested in my first time. Someone who’s not going to be rough and won’t make me feel uncomfortable. Do you know anyone?”

Taeyong could hear his heart cry for how innocent you looked asking him. He didn’t want to say any other guy’s name other than himself. He could tell by your face that it terrified you to end up in the wrong bed, and he knew he would take things easy to make you feel intimate and comfortable. “I do know someone.”

Smiling excitedly, you asked who.

A brief silence from Taeyong before he confidently answered. “Me.”

Your face fell. Of course, you’d be over the moon to have the benefits with your friend, but you weren’t sure if it was the best idea. A warning bell rang in your brain to not go for it, but your heart wanted to. Taeyong was fast becoming a dear friend like Joy, and the thought of Joy had you remembering her words.

Anything more than friends.

This was still within the friendship boundary, so you didn’t think it was going to be an issue.

He observed your fallen expression and began panicking. “I mean you don’t have to with me. I can say someone else’s name. I’m not trying to take advantage of-”

“Tae!”

He stopped rambling. He feared his friendship with you was going to become awkward and regretted suggesting himself to you. “I’m sorry,” he muttered, his head hanging low.

You on the other hand were slowly killing off the warning in your head and went to jump onto your heart’s desire. “No Tae. I’d like that.”

His head shot up to see if his ears heard you right. You smiled warmly, getting excited for your first time with a boy that you had been growing fond of.

As a friend.

“Are you sure?” Taeyong searched your face for any signs of discomfort and failed.

You nodded. “If it’s with you, I don’t think I’ll regret it.”

A fond smile grew on his face. “You won’t.”

After staring into each other’s eyes for a while, you had enough with the wait. “Can we right now?”

Taeyong chuckled at your eagerness. He got up from his chair and sat closer to you on the bed. He held your face in his gentle hands, admiring your innocence up close before placing his lips on yours.

- ❀ -

Ever since then, you and Taeyong had been spending even more time together. Whether it’d be in his bedroom, meeting up at random spots on campus, going out to different places for food and entertainment, and even going over to your apartment.

You’d both stay up and watch movies with Taeyong being a sucker for romance. You weren’t that being of a romance fan but only agreed to watch his reactions throughout the movie. He’d have a huge smile plastered on his face whenever the lead couple would have cute interactions, and tears rolled down whenever a heartbreaking scene occurred. He would seek comfort by clinging onto your arm and laying his head on your shoulder. Your heart did a flip every time he snuggled up to you. Sometimes he’d stay over for the night and when Joy noticed how intimate Taeyong had gotten with you, she thought it was time for her to do something.

The more and more Taeyong spent his time with you, the less and less he went out with his other female friends. He loved every second with you, craving to only be with you. Your friendship with him was at a level where he took every opportunity he could find to pat your head, hold your hand, give you kisses on the cheek, lay his head on your lap, and pull you into hugs when saying your hellos and goodbyes. You viewed all this in a friendly manner of course, for Taeyong to express his emotionally sensitive side to you, the love he had for you as a close friend. It was a total contrast to your first impression of him and you loved it.

After midterms were over, Taeyong suggested for the two of you to hang out at a café he discovered recently. You walked in, your jaw dropping in awe of the beauty that laid in front of you. The café was decorated from head to toe with various types of flowers. Every wall either had paintings or hanging flowers while baskets or vases of specific varieties sat on every table. Alongside the coffee and baked goods menu, there was a menu for all the types of flowers for purchase, whether as single flowers or bouquets.

Taeyong had brought you to a flower café and you loved it.

“Wow...” you whispered.

You shook out of your daze once you felt a gentle hand on your back, guiding you towards the counter.

After receiving your order for an iced americano and Taeyong for a strawberry cold drink, you both sat down by a table of magenta lilacs neatly organized in a white basket.

You took a sip of your bitter drink while adoring the flower basket. “They’re beautiful,” you said quietly to not disturb their beauty.

Taeyong agreed silently. Not as beautiful as you, he thought. You were always ready to give emotional support to your friends and offer your shoulder for someone to lean or cry on. But never once did you talk about yourself. He wanted to get to know you, not just on the surface but on the inside as well. “Tell me about yourself.”

You directed your eyes at the boy across you and laughed. “What is this? An interview?”  

He shook his head being serious. “I only know your present.”

“And that’s all you need to know.” You didn’t like where Taeyong was going with his words.

He sighed loudly and leaned forward to take your free hand gently, drawing circles with his thumb on the back of your hand. “I care about you, Y/N.”

He didn’t just care about you. He was falling for you. But he wasn’t going to confess his love for you just yet. His trauma from adolescence years still haunted him whenever he thought about commitments.

You leaned back slightly irritated. “I know but I- I... I don’t want to talk about it,” you muttered.

You wanted to forget about your past, have the memories buried so deeply inside your brain that it’d be hard to ever retrieve them. It was why you never shared it with Joy. What was done was done, and it was only better to focus on the present. You tried to live your present without using the past as a reason. But it was exactly what you did to avoid boys.

He smiled softly in understanding. He knew better as he had done the same before you came in his life. “Okay but remember I’m always here for you.”

- ❀ -

The night finally arrived when your squad went to a restaurant and bar. This meant that you were about to fulfill the bet that you had lost to Ten. Joy had you snack a little in advance to prevent you from unfavourable effects of drinking that night.  

“I can’t believe I’m going to see my cute innocent Y/N get drunk for the first time tonight!” Joy gushed, squealing and clapping her hands in excitement.

“Ten, good job for winning that bet. Though it’s a shame that I can’t see you dance on the table,” Johnny said.

Ten scoffed. “Please, I’m always ready to dance. You just have to dare me.”

“But hyung drunk and dancing is like on a whole nother level,” Mark commented.

A devilish smirk formed on Ten’s face. “Should I get drunk too?”

“Not tonight. The spotlight is supposed to be on Y/N. Plus we don’t want Ten to start stripping his clothes off in front of the ladies,” Yuta said.

Joy took a sharp intake of breath. “I want to see that.”

While the rest were debating whether or not Ten should get drunk along with you, you were beginning to feel anxious. Your legs shook under the table as stories of drunken people that Joy shared with you started haunting you. You hoped you wouldn’t do something that would make you regret it later.

Taeyong noticed your jittery disposition beside him and placed a hand on your thigh, calming you down a bit. You looked up to meet his concerned eyes. “Are you okay?”

You really were okay, especially being around friends who cared for you. You trusted them to keep you safe. “I am.” You genuinely flashed a smile, lessening his worry.

The drinks arrived for everyone, your friends going for cocktails while shots of liquor were prepared for you. Taeyong chose to not drink, volunteering to be the designated driver and making sure you were safe.

“Okay girl! It’s showtime!” Joy cheered and the rest of your friends shouted with encouragements.

After a deep breath in and out, you downed the first shot. You closed your eyes as you felt your throat burn immediately, all the anxiety leaving your body.

“Holy shit! Her neck is turning red,” Ten commented clearly amused.

After downing a few more shots consecutively, you stopped for a moment when your head was beginning to spin a little out of control, almost making you fall off your seat.

Taeyong noticed it and thought that you had enough drinks. He brought his hand closer to the remaining shots and began sliding it further from you until you stopped his hand and grabbed another shot, bottoms up.

“Y/N I think-”

“No!” You cut him off by shouting loudly. He was taken aback by your outburst, and you took this opportunity to down another shot. This time, you stood up from your seat and slammed your hands on the table. “I’ll do what I want!”

The others grew concerned, fearing that you’d drink more than your body could handle. Only Ten was having a blast watching your wasted self.

Joy decided to interfere. “Y/N, that’s enough drinks-”

Everyone was alarmed to see tears rolling down your face. You stumbled a bit backwards before regaining your stance. A few of your friends stood up on instincts to help you out, but you yelled at them. “Sit back down!”

They instantly sat back down and threw worried glances at one another, silently trying to figure out what would be the best course of action. “Y/N, are you okay?” Johnny asked you as gentle as possible, not wanting to stir you up even more.

“No!” you exclaimed before lowering your voice to a soft murmur. “No...”

Mark spoke up. “What’s wrong, noona?”

“My heart.” Thanks to the liquor, you weren’t going to stop yourself. “Why...”

“Why what, noona?”

“Why can’t I...” You grew silent again, focusing on the feeling of the alcohol running in your blood.

“What is it, Y/N?” Joy asked in a soft voice.

“Why can’t I trust my heart to fall in love?”

Taeyong and Joy took the biggest blow from your words. All this time, Joy thought you weren’t simply interested in relationships. She never knew there was a trust issue involved. Meanwhile, Taeyong felt his heart crack badly. He already had his own personal trauma to overcome for his love, and you having one as well was like trying to break through a double layered brick wall before a happy ending was possible.

You had enough with the enclosed environment and wanted to get some fresh air in your lungs. You kicked your chair back for more room, walking in a not so straight line. Your friends were about to get up again until you yelled, “No one follow me!”

They were all tensed, watching you carefully from their seats and not lose sight of you. When you left the restaurant, Joy stood up with plans to follow you. But Taeyong had beaten her and sprinted out the building, leaving Joy stunned.

Outside, Taeyong caught up to you and pulled your arm, halting your steps. He was shocked to see your crying face.

“Y/N.”

“Tae, I’m scared to fall in love.” You fell to the ground and sobbed your heart out in front of your friend.

His heart shattered into a million pieces. As much as he was dying to know what happened for you to say such a thing, he had to push his curiosity away and comfort you. He bent down to his knees and pulled you into his arms. You fully leaned into his embrace and sobbed. He held you tightly, patting your head gently and kissing the top of your head, hoping to calm you down.

“I’m scared. What if he turns out bad?”

“Shh... I’m here,” he shushed, stopping the bad thoughts from forming in your head.

“I want to fall in love... I want someone to love me,” you cried.

Taeyong hesitated. You were drunk, most likely to forget the events of the night. He wanted to confess. In any other situation, both his and your troubled pasts would have made him bit his tongue back.

But at that moment, he wished with all his heart that you would forget his words once sober.

“I’m in love with you, Y/N.”

The words were clear enough for you clinging onto him for dear life, and Joy who stood at a distance behind him.

- ❀ -

You woke up in your bed with a pounding headache. Getting out of bed really slow, you shuffled your feet in the direction of the kitchen, finding Joy by the cooktop.

“Morning!” she chirped. “Have this,” she pointed at the glass filled with cool water on the counter.

“Mmm, that smells so good,” you moaned, its delicious scent hitting your nose.

Joy smiled. “Of course it would. I’m a better cook than you,” she teased.

You didn’t have the energy to retort back and instead asked her something more important.

“What happened last night?”

Joy paused. Considering the amount of alcohol you consumed, it was no shocker that you wouldn’t remember anything. She secretly wished that you’d forget the happenings of the previous night for two things.

One: because of what you said. She wasn’t mad. She could never be with you because you were too precious for her. She thought back to when she asked you why you weren’t willing to invest yourself in boys. She trusted you that you were saying the truth when you simply weren’t into relationships. People had different outlooks on life. But there was a really small chance that made Joy think you were putting up a tough act to suppress your emotions. And she was right when the alcohol had let you speak your heart that you never did when sober.

And two: Taeyong. Joy didn’t trust him when he confessed his love for you. She didn’t know whether he ‘loved’ you like the other girls or it was a love that ran much deeper. After hearing your drunken words, if you had remembered Taeyong’s words, then you were going to feel troubled.

“Shit, did I do something bad?” you asked worriedly.

“No no. You were interesting, bossing over us,” she giggled. It was quite a contrast to see her usually quiet friend being all loud and demanding when drunk.

“Huh?”

“Don’t worry about it,” Joy laughed at your puzzled expression.

“Okay,” you chose to believe her. “But did anything else happen?” Something was eating inside you, trying to tell you that there was more to the night than what she was implying.

She shook her head, forcing a genuine smile on her face to the best of her ability. “Nothing else happened.” She felt guilty lying to you for the first time, but it was only for your best interest.

You didn’t have another choice but to accept her words. You pushed the unpleasant feeling aside and drank the prepared glass of water.

- ❀ -

When Taeyong hung out with you next time, he didn’t notice any changed behaviour from you. He formed his speculation that you did not have a recollection of your intoxicated night. He felt relieved to have the friendship not change, but it also pained him to carry his unrequited love silently.

It was a month before the exam period and you both waited in your bedroom for the exam schedule to come out any minute on your devices. You only had two finals while Taeyong had three. When the schedule appeared, you searched for your courses and went into brief shock, stunned by the great news that you had your fingers crossed for.

“Tae! Both of mine are on the first day!” You began dancing around the room full of joy.

He laughed at your happy form and searched for his courses on the list. “Awe man, mine are all near the end.”

You paused to take in his words. “Oh. So you won’t be able to come with me.”

“Come where?”

“To South Korea.”

He felt his blood run cold. “Why South Korea?”

You smiled, lost in your thoughts on the dream that was close to becoming a reality. “I wanted to go on a trip there during this winter break if I got at least three weeks of free time. I didn’t think it was actually gonna happen but now that it is, I’m so excited,” you squealed, so over the moon that you were oblivious to Taeyong’s fallen face.

“You’ll be gone for three weeks?”

You thought for a moment. “Actually, the winter term doesn’t start till the second week of January, so I’ll go for a whole month. Wow, I didn’t think this was ever gonna happen. Isn’t this so exciting Tae?” You were jumping on the spot with all sorts of ideas rushing in your mind of what you’d plan to do there. You had already made a list of things to do but with the additional time granted, you were going to perform more research and travel to other regions in the country. Travelling to South Korea in the winter was just one of the experiences you wanted before going there for the warmer season. You wanted to witness the beautiful snow covering the outskirts of the regions, see the Christmas decorations and lighting festivals, and enjoy the warm meals and beverages to battle the cold. You knew the adrenaline rush that you were feeling for your adventure wasn’t going to let you sleep that night. Or in fact many nights until the big day.

Taeyong should have been happy for you, but he felt his heart break with only one thought on continuous loop in his mind.

A month. Without you.

- ❀ -

Joy was so happy to hear your good news, knowing how much you were looking forward to this trip. But neither her nor your friends would be able to join you because of their exam schedules. This meant that it was going to be your first ever solo adventure, which made you feel both nervous and excited for.

The closer the exam period got, the more restless Taeyong’s heart became. He was so used to seeing you almost every day that it was cruel to have you ripped out of his life for a month.

You spent every day updating your trip plans to make sure you had enough free days to relax in between your full agenda. Yes, you had your finals to study for and you made sure to get your review sessions in before you treated yourself to planning.

When the day arrived for you to complete your two finals back to back, you thought you were going to die. But your papers went a lot smoother than you predicted and that added onto your happiness for the big day in less than 48 hours.

Your flight to South Korea.

- ❀ -

Your squad came to drop you off at the airport and wished you well on your big trip.

“Wow Y/N, travelling on your own requires some serious guts. I hope you have a blast,” Johnny said.

“Yeah and keep in touch whenever you get a chance,” Ten added.

“I will,” you promised with a smile.

Mark checked his watch. “It’s almost time for your flight, noona.”

You nodded. Grabbing the handle of your luggage, you were caught off guard from Yuta attacking you with a gentle hug. “Good luck princess. If you need help with anything, I know Seoul better than these boys do.”

Ten rolled his eyes. “As much as I hate to admit it, he’s right.”

“I’m always right. Even about Mark farting.”

“HYUNG!”

You giggled, “Okay.”

After Yuta let you go, Joy jumped in to give you a crushing hug. “Have lots of fun, girl. Video call me no matter what the time is, okay?”

“Okay.”

You haven’t heard the voice of one boy yet. He was silently watching you from afar as you said your goodbye to everyone. You let go of your suitcase and walked over to Taeyong. His eyes were trained on you, slightly red and puffy. You guessed his state was due to sleep deprivation for exam preparations.

You didn’t know he cried all night, not ready to face a month without you.

You encircled your arms around his neck and brought him closer to your body, resting your chin on his shoulder. “Make sure to sleep well. I’ll call you too. Eat well too. I know you’re neglecting your health right now.” You could tell he lost some weight, feeling his boney structure. Nonetheless, he still radiated the warmth you treasured from him.

Taeyong couldn’t think about eating properly or sleeping well. He was even struggling to prepare for his finals. All he wanted was to see you, touch you, be with you.

His eyes were beginning to sting and at last raised his arms to rest around your waist, pulling you closer to his chest. He was doing his very best to stop the tears from flowing down his face. This was supposed to be a very happy moment for you and he didn’t want you worrying about him.

“As much as I’d hate to split you up, Y/N is going to miss her flight if we hold her back any longer.”

Upon hearing Joy’s voice, you pulled away from him. Just as you turned away from him, you felt his hand desperately grasp yours. You turned to look back at him. “I hope you’ll be happy,” he spoke ever so softly, his words different from the plea held in his eyes.

You slid your hand out of his grasp and turned your back to him. Grabbing the handle of your suitcase, you walked in the direction of your flight’s terminal, daring yourself to not look back with the tug you felt at your heartstrings.

- ❀ -

On the road that shines exceptionally

Standing there, I am waiting for you

It’s not cold

When you are in my arms, I can feel the warmth

 It had been four days. Four long days since you left. Your friends understood the first couple were spent on the flight and at the airports. But Taeyong hoped for you to have at least messaged him when you’d reach your accommodation or when having your first meal. His mind was on overdrive, thinking of all the scary possibilities that could have happened to you.

Joy was worried too but she understood that you were trying to adjust to the new environment without stressing out about too many things. The apartment felt lonely without you and she decided to spend most of her days and nights at the boys’ house, developing feelings along the way for the first tall man she met at the party.

 You’re my everything

I want to protect your days and nights

You are a miracle to me, I wish you could see it

Spreading all over me, a gift called you

You’re my night and day

Waiting for you in this street, drawing you again

 Another two days had passed not hearing from you. With a heavy heart, Taeyong dragged his feet to the flower café that had recently become your favourite place to relax and bloom again. Your love for flowers grew every time you stepped into the café and your sparkling eyes always made his heart flutter.

Arriving at the counter, Taeyong forced himself to order a slice of cake and a drink after thinking back at your words.

Eat well too. I know you’re neglecting your health right now.

After picking up his meal, he scanned his eyes around the interior. The table with the basket of magenta lilacs was unoccupied and he made a beeline to it. He reminisced the day he brought you to the café for the first time.

They’re beautiful. Your voice echoed in his head, referring to the lilacs.

He stared long at the clustered petals, lost in his thoughts. He had always sought for tender affection from other girls, without getting too committed to them.

You were a miracle in his life. He didn’t see you like the other girls where he only received. He wanted to give you everything. His love, attention, warmth, touch, happiness. If he could give you his happiness in replacement to taking your sadness, he’d do it. He’d do anything to make you happy.

The more he stared at the magenta lilacs, the more it became clearer. He wanted to jump on his trauma and get even closer to you.

By means of a relationship.

And at that moment, he had one person to talk to.

 An unusually long day

But it’s not too bad because you’re warm

Just like that, with nothing to do

I can live just like that

 Joy finally received your video call a whole week after you left. You apologized and explained that there was a baggage delay, complicating your trip temporarily without all your belongings at hand. You were so stressed of the unexpected situation that it slipped out of your mind to keep in touch with your friends. Instead, you tried to focus on surviving those days with limited essentials in your handbag and things that you purchased from the convenience store.

Taeyong heard the news from Joy during lunch with her at a diner. He was relieved that nothing terrible happened to you apart from the baggage delay. Though it did hurt him that you couldn’t think to contact him as well.

But you going through a tough time when it was supposed to be a happy trip is more painful, he thought.

“I don’t think you wanted lunch with me just to hear about Y/N.” Joy narrowed her eyes on Taeyong.

He knew Joy didn’t trust him. When he confessed his love for you, Joy had butted in, separating your sobbing mess from him. She warned him to never utter those words unless he wanted to trouble you. Taeyong understood and had assured her that it was only because you were drunk and he wanted to comfort you by speaking the truth. Ever since then, they both wished that you’d never regained memory of that night.

He took a deep breath in, composing himself for the intention of the meeting. “I don’t want Y/N to be unhappy.”

Joy sighed. “Are you emotionally blackmailing me?”

He shook his head, feeling a thorn prick at his heart. He knew it wasn’t going to be easy getting Joy’s permission. “No I’m not.”

“What makes you think I can trust you and not have you hurt her?”

Silence.

Saying that he loved you wasn’t a satisfying reason for Joy. She needed Taeyong to prove it to her that he wasn’t going to hurt you. After a long debate in his head, he decided to tell her the truth. “I run away at the thought of commitments in the name of love. Because of my parents’ divorce.”

The news threw Joy off. Then why are you after my Y/N, she thought.

“Y/N knows everything and asked to be friends with me for real and not like with the other girls. We spent a lot of hanging out, both outside and inside the house. We’d hang out in the living room, the kitchen when I’d cook for us, in my bedroom. We spent so much time together that I didn’t know I started falling for her,” he admitted.

Taeyong was met with her silence as she collected her thoughts, making one thing stand out to her. “Did you have sex with her?”

His eyes enlarged from the unexpected inquiry. “Yes.”

Joy raised an eyebrow, questioning if his feelings really were real for you. “The confession happened after you two had sex?”

“Ye-” He realized his mistake without thinking beforehand and began panicking. “No! It’s not what you think. Please!”

She laughed bitterly at him. “You had sex with her and you claim that you’re in love because it was probably the best sex of your life. Your past is sad Taeyong. You have problems and I feel bad for you. I really do. But don’t drag Y/N into your mess.” Joy was ready to leave and be done with the conversation until she heard his next words.

“You’re wrong. It’s not because of sex.”

She chuckled darkly. “Oh really? Please enlighten me,” she said, flashing a fake smile at him and crossed her arms.

He gulped. He was close to drawing the last straw that would make Joy turn her back on him and never give him another chance. “The sex did bring us even closer together. We became more intimate with each other. But even then I was still scared to confess to her because my fear was still there.”

Joy wanted to believe Taeyong. Without forming much biased thoughts, she continued listening.

“After Y/N left for her trip, I lost all appetite to eat. I can’t sleep at night with my heart longing for her. I’m trying to focus on my final preps but I can’t stop thinking about her. I even stopped talking to other girls because I only love her. I got myself to eat only after reminding myself that Y/N wanted me to eat well. And that was especially at the café Y/N loved to go.”

It was at this moment when Joy started to believe his feelings for you.

“What if... what if I tried to get myself to cope with my trauma so that I can be in a relationship with her instead of forever living my life in fear? I know that Y/N has a trust issue that I don’t know about. But what if I can help her get over her fear too? What if my efforts to bring us together officially can make her finally... happy?”

No noise was heard from Joy. Her brain was raking through all the mentioned possibilities. If Taeyong could break through the walls of your heart, the fruitful outcome would be an epitome of love.

“Okay Taeyong. You have my support, but I won’t forgive you if you hurt her.”

 It seemed to be nevеr-ending

At the end of thе long wait

You’re the one

 One month had passed, meaning it was time for your friends to pick you up at the airport’s arrival department. Taeyong could feel his heart beating erratically when it was time for the passengers from your flight to collect their baggages and exit. When his eyes found you, he didn’t prepare his heart for an unexpected shock.

You walked out, searching for your friends with your suitcase at hand. You spotted them, waving eagerly, and walked over to them. But you weren’t alone. Beside you was a young handsome man that almost made Joy swoon if it wasn’t for her feelings for another man. More than the boy having breathtaking looks, she was shocked to see you interact with him.

“Woah... is that guy...” Mark trailed off, unbelieving his sight.

You, a girl who had never befriended a guy on your own, were talking to one in close proximity.

“Wow, he’s so hot.” Ten practically had heart eyes.

“He is,” Johnny agreed.

Yuta loved to brag about his handsome looks but he was stunned by the stranger beside you. “Yeah, and Y/N that close to him means there’s something going on between them.”

Taeyong didn’t want to agree with the others but they were right. The stranger was very handsome, and there could be something going on. That latter thought made his heart break. After what felt like a never-ending wait for you to come back, he was excited to take things slow with you and win your trust for a relationship. However, all his plans had jumped out the window and he felt his eyes sting.

Especially when you linked your arm with the fair-skinned boy.

“Welcome back girl!” Joy attacked you for a bear hug when you neared them.

You laughed hugging her back. You greeted everyone, leaving the boy you had been dying to see again for last. You faced Taeyong and hugged him like you did before your departure. “Hi Tae. I hope you’re doing well,” you whispered in his ear, rubbing his back in a soothing manner.

He closed his eyes in efforts to keep his tears at bay and returned the hug, muttering a soft hello.

You pulled back, smiling at him before grabbing the arm of your new friend for introduction. “Guys, this is Jaehyun. I met him during the trip and he’s here for the study abroad program at our university this term.”

You introduced Jaehyun to everyone one by one. When Jaehyun was officially introduced to Taeyong, he noticed Taeyong fidget with his fingers tensely and a small smirk formed on Jaehyun’s face.

“We can drop you off Jaehyun. Where are you living?” Johnny asked.

Jaehyun hadn’t found an off-campus accommodation yet, thanks to the fact that it was the middle of the middle of the school year. He didn’t want to be stuck in the dorms on campus and his initial plan was to stay at a hotel as he had the money for that.

But why hotel when he could live with you?

“I was gonna ask Joy if it’s okay for Jaehyun to stay at our place until he finds one. I’ll give my room to him and sleep with you,” you suggested to her.

“Oh yeah that’s great with me! I get to cuddle with my Y/N,” Joy giggled.

Taeyong didn’t like the idea one bit. “Why should a guy live with the girls?”

Johnny agreed with him. “You’re right. Jaehyun live with us. And I mean for the term.”

A pang at Taeyong’s heart. He was not looking forward to seeing Jaehyun’s face every day. But it’s better than him being close to Y/N, he thought.

“But hyung, we don’t have a spare room,” Mark said.

“You’re shifting to Yuta’s room. He has a bigger bed.”

“Wow great idea! Mark can be my cuddle buddy!”

Mark groaned at the thought of Yuta clinging to him all night.

- ❀ -

“You what?” Joy couldn’t believe what she was hearing from you.

“I remember that night.”

The boys dropped you and Joy off at your apartment before heading for their house. You dragged Joy to the couch and told her the news.

You weren’t mad at Joy. In fact you were thankful. If you had known before your trip, you would have felt awkward to see Taeyong and avoided him, which would have made you sad. You loved and always looked forward to spending time with him. And so after remembering the words you blurted out that night, you understood Joy jumped in to protect you from getting hurt.

You felt blessed to have a friend like Joy.

“Thank you Joy,” you smiled genuinely at her.

She was relieved that you weren’t mad at her. “When did you remember?”

“Right before I met Jaehyun. And he knows.”

“He knows?”

“I told him about Taeyong.”

During your trip, you couldn’t stop thinking about Taeyong, especially after your regained memory. You were so confused as to whether you should be happy or not that you decided to not contact him altogether. Though the more you ignored him, the more the tightness in your chest grew. Jaehyun noticed your behaviour and asked you what was wrong. For some reason, you trusted Jaehyun in your secrets and told him everything about you and Taeyong.

She lifted her hand to stop you from talking further. “Okay hold up. How are you so chill around Jaehyun?”

Yes, that was a question that you had asked yourself when you had acquainted him upon first meeting. “He helped me get through my tough time there and it was just a coincidence that he was going to be coming here for the term. I guess thanks to you, I was more comfortable becoming friends with him. Plus, brownie points for being handsome,” you joked.

Joy felt her heart blossom for her close friend to finally interact with a boy without her help this time. “Wow Y/N, I never thought I’d see this day come.”

“Me neither.”

A question lingered inside her. “What now with Taeyong? Are you going to feel awkward with him?” Joy wasn’t necessarily worried for Taeyong because her priority was you.

The trip bought you time to think about what you were going to do with his confession floating around your heart. Over the course of your trip, your heart slowly accepted your feelings for him. It was all thanks to your time apart from him to realize how much you missed him and loved him. You craved for Taeyong’s warmth, both physically and emotionally, and that was enough for you to stop running away from your true feelings and give Taeyong a chance. You still remembered Taeyong’s trauma and you guessed it was the reason why he only confessed to you when drunk, so that you would forget about it and move on like nothing happened.

“No I won’t be awkward with him. I love him too Joy.”

She gaped at you. “Seriously? Like in love with him?”

You nodded. “Yes, I’m in love with him.”

Her eyes became wet with tears almost spilling out. This was the best news she had heard from you till this date. You... in love. “Y/N do you have any idea how that makes me feel? After all this time I’ve been worried about you. After that night you got drunk... and I just... it hurt that you were...”

You laughed quietly. “You’re literally the bestest friend I’ve ever had. Seriously Joy, if I had said this to someone else, they would be so happy. And then there’s you, crying,” you teased.

She wiped her tears with the back of her hand. “Well as much as I missed you, something good happened while you were gone.”

She told you of her talk with Taeyong, telling you how much of an effect your absence had on him. Your heart bloomed when you heard that he missed you a lot and had listened to you to eat his meals, even going to your favourite café because he missed you so much.

“Then it’s final. Once I find the right time, I’m going to ask him out.”

- ❀ -

“Why can’t Ten move to your room? Your bed is bigger too!”

“Joy stays over in my room sometimes. I’m not having a threesome with Ten,” Johnny stated with a serious face.

Mark scowled, not liking the idea of Yuta clinging to him and kissing his cheeks at every opportunity he could find.

“Hurry off now. Don’t leave our new housemate waiting in the living room all day. Go clean up and shift to Yuta’s room.”

With a grumble, he stomped his way to fulfill his older brother’s command.

Well at least there was one other person in the house who didn’t like the idea of Jaehyun living there.

While waiting for Mark to empty his room out, the rest of the boys sat on the couches to get to know their new housemate with Taeyong sitting the furthest away.

“So Jaehyun, do you get girls falling for your looks?” Ten excitedly asked, finally getting the chance to ask him that.

Why was that the first thing he got asked out of everything? But it really was a big question. “Yes, and not just girls but guys too. Too many to count.” Back in high school, he’d receive gifts on his desk in the form of food from his secret admirers, usually his favourite bread and milk. He would also have the exterior of his locker be taped with numerous heart shaped notes.

“Wow...” Yuta breathed out. “It kind of sounds like Taeyong but with his girl friends.”

Taeyong didn’t want the wrong impression from the boys and so he revealed the news. “I cut ties with them.”

The air stilled in the living room, with Johnny being the first one to cut it. “What do you mean cut ties?”

“I don’t talk to them anymore.”

“All of them?”

“Yes.”

Ever since he realized his feelings for you, he deleted all the numbers of the girls in his contacts. He lost interest with all of them when he only craved for your tender affection. For your love. He didn’t know what was up between you and Jaehyun, and while that made him jealous, he wasn’t going to go back to his old ‘friends’ because of that.

“Woah... but why?” Yuta asked.

Taeyong eyed Jaehyun, shooting him a glare. He wasn’t going to say your name out loud in front of him. What if Jaehyun’s plan wasn’t only to study there? What if he had something up his sleeve? What if he was going to win your heart?

Jaehyun noticed Taeyong’s hard gaze on him and smirked.

To answer his friend’s question, Taeyong merely said, “Because of someone.”

- ❀ -

The winter term began and much to your delight, you had a class with Jaehyun. You both would have an hour to spare before that class and so you became his personal tour guide as you showed him around your campus, pointing at the different buildings and mentioning the services he could find there. Along the way, you noticed a few students stop in their tracks to look in Jaehyun’s way, their jaws dropping.

When the two of you walked into your almost full class, numerous eyes widened in shock, more jaws dropped, and hushed whispers were heard when laying their eyes on the boy beside you. Some of them had looks of jealously on their faces for you having the privilege to stand beside such a divine being. If your eyes weren’t playing a trick on you, you thought you saw a girl’s head spin almost as if she was going to faint from the unbelievable beauty of the young man. Talk about having a face of a first love.

When you first met Jaehyun, yes you did think he was very handsome. But that was all. No big reactions like your classmates in front of you had.

Why didn’t you crumble like the others?

Because of Taeyong.

Taeyong on the other hand grew restless with the amount of time you spent with Jaehyun. The influx of messages on his phone from unsaved numbers were mostly talks of the newest heartthrob on campus. He knew they were from the girls he had stopped talking to, and he couldn’t care less of the ones texting him that they missed him.

His main concern was if you were going to fall in love with Jaehyun.

The night of the term’s first grand party arrived and your whole squad, now including Jaehyun, attended. A permanent scowl was fixed on Taeyong the entire time as he witnessed Jaehyun being super close to you. A few of his old friends came up to him, asking how he was doing and if he wanted anything, but he simply ignored them. Taeyong glanced at the rest of the crowd around Jaehyun and he had to admit that the messages on his phone were true. Having enough of the stabbing pain in his chest, he downed the alcohol in his hand.

The next night of the weekend meant another party. The boys were getting themselves ready to leave the house once you’d arrive. Joy had to go back to her hometown for a personal matter and you insisted to meet them at their house instead of them coming to pick you up.

Because you had a different plan for that night.

“Noona! Are you ready for tonight?” Mark greeted you when you arrived at the house. Taeyong was sitting on the couch, silently watching you.

“Umm, well I’m not going to the party.”

“What? Why wouldn’t you come princess?” Yuta asked.

Jaehyun answered on your behalf. “She’s going to show me around uptown. I want to see other things than just parties.”

Johnny nodded. “Yes there are other things to see here. Should we come along with you guys?”

Taeyong’s heart inflated, hoping you’d say yes.

“No, we’ll be fine.”

His heart deflated.

Yuta whistled. “Wow sounds like a date to me,” he smirked.

His heart stung.

You laughed. “No, we’re just hanging out,” you clarified.

Hearing that somewhat eased Taeyong’s heart but it wasn’t enough to calm it down. “I’m coming,” he announced.

Everyone turned their heads at Taeyong. His friends were surprised. Jaehyun wasn’t afraid to let a smirk spill onto his face, and you were trying your hardest to hold back your amused smile.

This was what you were hoping.

You knew you hung out with Jaehyun a lot and if Taeyong really was in love with you, he would have been extremely jealous. You weren’t intentionally avoiding Taeyong. With your new friend who was new around here, you wanted to help Jaehyun out as much as you could to make his temporary stay as smooth as possible and that resulted in you not spending time with Taeyong. The Taeyong you craved to have quality time with.

And you were going to make it up to him soon.

The three of you walked over to Taeyong’s car, with Taeyong running off to open the passenger door for you. He wanted you to sit beside him while he drove. You giggled at his puppy look, his desperate attempt to win your heart a little. He didn’t know he had your entire heart.

Right before you got inside the car, you gave Taeyong a quick peck on the cheek, causing a blush to spread over his cheeks under the moonlight. It had been a while since you two shared some intimate moments. And though it was merely a peck, fire had ignited throughout Taeyong’s soul.

Jaehyun silently witnessed the short intimacy between you and Taeyong and hopped into the back seat with dimples on his face.

The streetlights and shops in uptown were decked with winter decorations. It was a shame you missed the Christmas decorations as you loved seeing the streets be ornamented for the holy season. But then Christmas in South Korea was a thrilling experience and you were glad to have experienced it with Jaehyun as your guide.

The three of you walked along the illuminated road. Many of the shops were lit up from the inside indicating that they were open for business. The flower café sat a few shops down from where you three stood.

“Should we go to the flower café first?” you suggested. The chilly winter night had your body craving for a hot caramel drink.

Taeyong was in a bind. He didn’t want to say no to your suggestion, knowing how much you loved to go there. But he didn’t want Jaehyun to learn about it. It was supposed to be your and his sanctuary.

“That sounds cool,” Jaehyun said.

“It is! I love that place so much! Let’s go Tae!” you clung onto Taeyong’s arm to get a vocal approval from him.

Taeyong’s heart somersaulted at your touch and pleading eyes. He accepted his defeat and nodded, letting you drag him to the establishment.

“Okay guys, this is my treat,” you said taking your card out.

Taeyong stopped your hand. “No I’ll pay.”

“No Tae, I suggested this place.”

“I’m not letting you pay on my watch.”

In the midst of you and Taeyong arguing who should pay, Jaehyun slid a $20 bill to the cashier, giving them a look that he was paying for the collective order. “I’m paying guys,” he leaned against the counter smiling.

You pouted. “Jae why? You’re new here. I should be treating you,” you whined.

Taeyong’s heart was going to break a record at this rate with the number of times his heart shattered ever since you came back, which hadn’t even been two full weeks. It was the first time he heard you call Jaehyun in short form. The only other person you did that to was him. Not even with Johnny did you do that and his real name was John.

When you began your search for an empty table, you were a little disappointed to see the table with lilacs taken. In turn, an empty table with a small clear vase holding creamy white gardenias was spotted.

“Wow those flowers are pretty. Let’s sit there,” you said and pulled Taeyong along with you. Even though he was a little, scratch that, very insecure that you hung out with Jaehyun a lot and called him in short form, his heart soared at your unexpected touches that night. After being so deprived of you, every single attention he received from you was enough to set his heart alight.

Jaehyun watched from afar, your complete attention on the boy you loved while Taeyong’s cheeks were kissed with a rosy hue. With a smile, he took a sip of his banana milk and followed you.

- ❀ -

“Bad news!” Joy yelled with a crying face.

She furiously knocked on the door panting. Johnny frantically opened and ushered her inside, trying to calm her down as she continued crying. “What is it?” Johnny asked softly.

The rest of the boys gathered shortly, not getting too close so that she could get some air.

“Y/N’s missing.”

Taeyong’s eyes went wide as his heart dropped to the floor. Ever since the hangout with Jaehyun, you went back to normal of not talking to him. “What do you mean missing?” Taeyong asked.

She shook her head. “I don’t know where she is. I haven’t seen her all day today and she hasn’t been answering my calls or texts.”

It was almost midnight and for you to not have replied back to Joy for a whole day meant something really was wrong.

“Calm down Joy. Have you checked some places Y/N would go to often?” Yuta questioned.

She nodded. “Yeah I did. She’s nowhere.” And Joy began choking on her sobs.

Taeyong didn’t waste another second and ran up to his room, grabbing his keys and jacket. Running back down, he said, “I’m going to go look for her.”

“I’m coming with you hyung,” Mark said.

Joy gave Jaehyun a look, making Jaehyun speak up. “Mark you have a test tomorrow don’t you? You should stay back.”

“What no! I wanna search for noona too!”

“Yeah I agree with Jaehyun. I’ll stay back with Mark so he can sleep while I wait to see if Y/N comes here,” Yuta suggested.

“Yeah I’ll go with Taeyong. And Johnny and Ten can go in another car and cover another area,” Jaehyun suggested.

“Okay sounds like a plan with me,” Ten agreed.

Johnny nodded. “Joy you should stay here and calm down.”

“You think I can calm down by sitting around? I’m coming with you!” she yelled.

Taeyong didn’t like the idea of Jaehyun coming with him. He’d rather search for you alone. But finding you was more important than who his search buddy was.

It was pin drop silent in Taeyong’s car. Jaehyun knew Taeyong wasn’t a big fan of him and found it quite amusing. He was not a single ounce of threat between you and Taeyong.

Taeyong decided to keep his mouth shut, not interested to have small talk with the boy beside him as he drove down the street to where your favourite café sat. He hoped so bad that you’d be there. From the corner of his eyes, he noticed Jaehyun typing something on his phone.

Pulling up to the dimmed lighting of the café, Taeyong was dejected to see the closed sign on the window. You wouldn’t be inside a closed building.

However, Jaehyun unbuckled his seat belt and opened his door.

“Where are you going?” Taeyong asked him puzzled. There were barely any shops along the street that were open considering it was past midnight of a weekday.

“I texted the others to pick me up from here. You’ll find Y/N at the conservation park.” With that Jaehyun left the car and shut the door behind him.

Taeyong was overwhelmed with shock and relief that you weren’t exactly missing. But he was so confused with what all the commotion was about earlier. He pulled down the window. “What’s going on? Why would she do that?” Why would you be in the midst of wildlife, with trails pathed through the forests at night?

Jaehyun held his hands up. “I can’t say anything more. This is Y/N’s order. Now hurry. You don’t want her waiting for you, do you?”

Taeyong didn’t need to be told twice and he pressed on the accelerator of his car, his heart racing along.

When he got closer to the entrance of the conservation area, he was in a dilemma. It was dark with no artificial lights and if it weren’t for the bright moonlight, he wouldn’t know where to drive.

Why would you be here all alone? Who knew what could happen at night here? Wild animal attack? Serial killer on a hunt? He grew super nervous if he was going to find you in time before something bad would happen to you. He stopped the car and thought about calling you.

Only to realize that he didn’t bring his phone.

Fuck.

He cursed himself that he didn’t ask Jaehyun for pointers and he was going to try his very best to find you.

Staying inside his vehicle wasn’t helping with the limited view. He stepped out and tried to focus his eyes onto something that could aid him to get closer to you.

Glow in the dark stickers were stuck on a map in the parking lot. Taeyong thought it was bizarre for the map to have such stickers and his heart leaped, hoping it was your doing.

He parked his car and observed the map, scrutinizing to make out the colours and paths on the board. He found a sticker with TY initials on it, the spot not too far from where he stood. Taeyong knew it was you.

Sprinting towards the marked spot, he noticed a bit of light spilling from the trees that were blocking his view from you. When he walked through them, he abruptly came to a stop and lost his breath.

In front of him stood you, happily smiling that Taeyong had found you on his own. Your hands were clasping something behind your back but he didn’t pay any mind to that at that moment. Instead his eyes were glued to the setting behind you.

Red, pink and white heart shaped balloons were tied to the trees along with some outdoor hanging string lights to illuminate the small area. Letter balloons were tied to the weights and spelled out ‘I LOVE YOU’ as they floated in the air behind a white clothed table. Baskets of different types of flowers sat on the table. He recognized that all of the flowers were those that you and Taeyong had sat by at the flower café. Roses, gardenias, tulips, hyacinths, lilies, and lastly lilacs. Surrounded by the baskets, in the middle of the table sat a medium-sized white teddy bear holding a red heart.

Taeyong’s eyes lingered on the flower varieties and the words ‘I LOVE YOU’ for a while before shifting his gaze back on you.

“Y/N...” His voice failed him from the shock.

You brought your hands in front of you, a red velvety box sitting on the palms of your hands. “Are you just going to stand there?” you teased.

He shook himself, knocking some sense to his feet and walked closer to you. “What’s- Why- all this...” Taeyong’s throat was closing on him. He couldn’t believe all that he was seeing.

You giggled. “What else do you think silly?” You attempted to lighten up the situation when he looked like he was going to bawl his eyes out. You stopped laughing at his lack of response and turned serious.

“I’m in love with you Tae.” You opened up the velvet box displaying the couple rings you purchased. “I got this for us.”

Emotions poured out of his system and he gently grabbed onto your arm, pulling you into his tight embrace. His chin rested on the top of your head and you felt his chest rumble as your ear was pressed to his pounding heart. It felt like the world stopped spinning, you in his arms, his tears speeding down his face and falling on your hair that you didn’t mind the slightest bit. What mattered was the warmth that Taeyong emitted.

If you could spend an eternity in Taeyong’s arms, you would.

- ❀ -

You and Taeyong were on your way back to his house after packing everything in his car. He hadn’t let go of your hand ever since he pulled away from the hug, even when driving with his one hand. You joked that he had to at least let you go for you to sit in the passenger seat unless he wanted you to sit on his lap. And while he loved that idea, your safety came first.

“I can’t believe you remembered Y/N.” He was relieved to hear that you remembered his first confession now that the feeling was mutual. “And how did you even wait for me all alone? Weren’t you scared?”

“I wasn’t scared. But my heart was going crazy for you to find me. Joy was with me first and when we were done setting everything up, she almost like teleported to your place.”

“Wow... so that was all Joy acting. She’s such a great actress.”

You laughed. “Yup.”

A small frown appeared on his face. “Jaehyun knew too.”

“Yeah why?”

He grew silent, opting to not voice his concern and instead gave your hand a gentle squeeze.

“You’re jealous of Jaehyun, aren’t you?” you narrowed your eyes on him while his eyes were glued on the road.

Taeyong contemplated before nodding slightly.

You brought your other hand to lay on top of his. “You have nothing to be jealous about. We literally have like a sibling bond. He helped me get through so much in South Korea. I only wanted to do the same while he’s here for the study abroad program.”

His heart stilled. “Did you just say sibling?”

“Yes Tae. He’s like a brother figure to me.”

“But wouldn’t he...”

“What? Like me in that way? Of course not. He may have a pretty face of a heart stealer but he’s super loyal when it comes to friendships. He would never do anything bad to ruin relationships. In fact, he loves playing cupid because his birthday falls on Valentine’s day. That’s why he was a part of my plan tonight. He wanted us to be official so bad after hearing me talk so much about you.”

Taeyong felt a million weights lifted off his soul. Now that he heard about Jaehyun’s true personality, he felt bad for thinking Jaehyun was the devil. He was grateful that Jaehyun wasn’t the bad guy who was going to steal you away from him.

“You talked about me?” he asked flustered that you would mention him in your conversations with Jaehyun.

“Of course I would. I love you so much, like seriously crazy, Tae,” you said with a wide grin.

His heart was ready to rocket into space. He lifted your hand to his lips, placing a kiss on your palm. “I really love you too, Y/N.”

- ❀ -

You and Taeyong walked into the house, hands interlocked and being welcomed by all your friends for your safe return.

“You had us worried Y/N!” Yuta began. “What happened?”

“Yeah Joy and Jaehyun said it’s a surprise. What’s the surprise?” Ten asked with his face scrunched up.

You gave Taeyong a glance and held the intertwined hands up, showing the crew the couple rings. “We’re dating.”

Joy and Jaehyun had seen it coming and a huge smile was plastered on their faces. Meanwhile shocked expressions were registered on Johnny’s, Ten’s and Yuta’s faces. Johnny was the most surprised, followed by Yuta gaping. Ten was very amused that his friend stopped talking to other girls because of you. “Wow hyung, congrats! And you too Y/N!” The rest of your friends sent their warm regards to you and Taeyong.

“Wait till Mark hears this tomorrow morning,” Yuta said. “He’ll be thinking about it all day.”

“Watch him accidentally write it on his test,” Johnny laughed.

- ❀ -

If you were over the moon when you first thought about your trip to South Korea, you couldn’t even put into words of how you felt with Taeyong. You looked forward to seeing him, getting all giddy by his texts. He’d come to wait outside your classes, giving you a peck on the cheek as you ran into his arms. He’d give you back hugs when you would be trying to search for a book on the shelf in the library, resting his chin on your shoulder and kissing your neck. You pretty much lived at the boys’ house now more than you did before, specifically his bedroom, because you couldn’t separate yourself from him. Why should you even? Taeyong was your boyfriend. And he wanted the same thing. So what if his bed was twin sized? It was the perfect size for lovebirds like you two. He loved holding you in his arms and placing petal-like kisses on the top of your head during cuddle sessions. Every touch of his love sent your entire body blazing and you wished it’d never come to an end.

You hung out less with Jaehyun and you felt bad about it. In turn, your other friends hung out with him, especially Johnny taking him out for coffee runs. Joy did feel a bit jealous with Johnny’s new mate and could relate to how Taeyong felt with you and Jaehyun.

The month of midterms was coming up. You were looking forward to a particular boy’s special day that was going to give everyone a relief from the stress of assignments and examinations. Johnny, Joy and Ten took up the mission to organize a grand party for Jaehyun, with Johnny vowing to plan the best birthday and Valentine’s party for a student on an abroad program.

Your squad, minus Jaehyun who was meeting with an academic advisor, headed inside the library and searched for empty seats for the seven of you.

“Over there guys!” Mark spoke a bit too loudly for the librarian’s liking, earning a shush.

Ten snickered. “Mark seriously? Weren’t you supposed to be the goody two shoes?”

“Give him a break Ten. He got a little too excited seeing a huge empty table for the first time,” Yuta commented.

The poor young boy only groaned in response, wishing he could murder his hyungs in their sleep.

Johnny led the way, placing his bag on the opposite side of where you and Taeyong sat down shortly. Joy and Ten joined him as the trio were going to study for the second part of the math course. Mark had beaten Yuta to take the empty seat beside you, with the older one taking a seat at the end of the table.

“Okay guys. Do you have any idea how this integral shit works?” Johnny asked.

“Oh hyung I know!” Mark beamed at the topic mentioned. “Can I help?”

“No. Like our prof said. We should figure it out ourselves ‘cause no one’s gonna help us during the exams,” Ten recited.

“Yeah okay so what’s the first step to solve this shitshow?” Johnny pointed at the complicated question that their professor provided in class.

“Guys my head hurts,” Joy complained.

“It’s okay Joy. We got this. I’m going to find an integral calculator on Google.” Johnny pulled up his laptop and began clicking away.

“Okay hyung. I’ll see if this lazy man just stole it from the textbook. If he did, we’ll easily find the solutions online.”

“I don’t get why you can’t just ask me for help if you’re just gonna look up the answers,” Mark grumbled but the trio only ignored him.

Yuta heard Mark. “Awe does my baby tiger want to help?”

Mark stayed silent, afraid of where Yuta was going with this.

“Under the table-”

“HYUNG!”

The librarian grew furious and sent a glare at Mark, holding up a yellow card that had Yuta laughing hard. Mark took this chance to shove the older one off his seat, causing Yuta to fall flat on his butt.

Taeyong was searching for a book in his bag, his shoulders sinking at the thought that he forgot it in his bedroom. “Love, I’ll be back. I’m going to look for the book I need to write this paper on.”

You sent him a smile. “Okay.”

He smiled at you and got up from his seat, beginning his quest for the novel.

Taeyong hadn’t walked too far until he bumped into a girl, realizing who it was after a few seconds.

“Oh sorry Bella.”

She smiled. “That’s alright. I haven’t heard from you in a while.” Bella was a friend who gave him the love he needed months ago before he started loving you.

“Yeah.” He didn’t know what else to say to her, not interested in small talks.

“I missed you,” she spoke ever so softly.

He didn’t miss her because he had made it clear to everyone what his intentions were ahead of time.

“I need to talk to you,” Bella said and grabbed his hand, not giving Taeyong a chance to refuse and pulled him through the tall bookshelves, going deeper and deeper until it was impossible to find them within seconds.

You had seen the encounter from your seat. Taeyong talking to an unknown girl didn’t bother you. But the second that girl pulled Taeyong out of your sight, something didn’t quite sit well in your stomach. You wanted to go after them and see what it was about. Everyone at your table was occupied, the trio still scratching their heads at the math problem, and Yuta messing around with Mark.

You stood up and headed in the direction of where the duo disappeared, stunned that you didn’t see them immediately behind the bookshelves.

Where did you go Taeyong?

You walked around, turning your head in all directions at every opening until you bumped into a tall boy.

Lucas.

You recognized the boy in one of your classes. He was always loud, disturbing nearby classmates who were trying to focus on the lecture content. Quite a flirt towards girls as well, excluding you thankfully. You always ignored him and he did the same in a respectful manner, even when the two of you ended up sitting beside one another.

You muttered an apology and tried to walk around him, but he blocked your way.

That was a first. He had never bothered you before. You let out a deep breath, pushing the task of finding Taeyong aside for the moment. “What is it?”

- ❀ -

“You should believe me Taeyong. I only want the best for you.”

Taeyong couldn’t believe her. “No Bella, Y/N would never do that to me. And it’s better if you leave my sight now before I raise my voice at you.”

She shook her head not backing down. “I won’t. What makes you think Y/N will stay loyal to you? She’s never looked another guy before you.”

“Exactly my point. Y/N wouldn’t ever betray me.”

“No Tae. Now that she gave you a chance, she’ll be more comfortable looking at other guys. Maybe even behind your back. Don’t you think that can happen?”

Her words stirred something inside him, thinking about Jaehyun. Yes, he knew Jaehyun wasn’t a threat but the thought of how you made friends with him abroad without telling anyone had him momentarily think that you could possibly-

Taeyong shook his head, trying to shake Bella’s words out of his mind. “You’re just trying to make me doubt her, aren’t you? I’m not gonna-” he stopped suddenly biting his tongue. It was better to just leave instead of fighting with a wall. He turned his back on her to leave before she could brainwash him more.

But Bella wasn’t done with him just yet. She grabbed his shoulder forcefully turning him around and placed her lips on top of his in a blink. When Taeyong realized what Bella was doing, he pushed her away, not even in the gentlest manner and looked at her incredulously. “What the fuck Bella?!” He turned not glancing back at her and failed to notice the sinister smile on her face.

It didn’t feel like a good day for him to write his paper. He just wanted to take you home and cuddle with you all day.

He walked through the endless bookcases, attempting to figure out where on earth he was. Bella had caught him off guard when she dragged him away that he couldn’t think about anything else other than what the girl wanted to discuss with him. When Taeyong passed by one of the passageways without much thought, he froze in his steps, his heart getting caught in his throat. Backing up slowly, he looked at a guy. Super close to you. He couldn’t see your face clearly as your hair blocked your side profile.

Your back was pressed flat against the bookshelf as Lucas caged you in his arms. You threatened him to leave you alone but he only laughed at your face. You were afraid of him because he was really tall, and his smirk made him look a lot more intimidating. If you tried to get physical on him, you were terrified what he’d do in return. You frantically looked around to see if anyone was nearby to cry for help. Your heart leaped to see Taeyong but then it did a free fall when your eyes lingered on his face.

A bright red lipstick stain on his lips.

You never wore lipstick and you knew it had something to do with that girl from earlier.

Taeyong stormed his way towards you two, briefly glancing at Lucas in disgust, and when his eyes landed on you, you felt all the colour drain from your face.

“What are you doing with him?” Taeyong asked and at that moment you didn’t know if you were more afraid of Lucas...

Or Taeyong’s furious eyes.

You were speechless. First, he went off to kiss a girl behind your back. And second, instead of saving you, he turned the entire situation on you. You never thought Taeyong would ever doubt you for cheating behind his back, and you never thought he would cheat on you.

Lucas took this chance to kiss your cheek. You were startled by his bold move and pushed him off with all the anger you had for both him and your boyfriend. “What the fuck Lucas?! And you,” turning to Taeyong, “Why the fuck is there lipstick on your lips?”

Taeyong laughed bitterly with his breaking heart, not caring about the lipstick stain and was amused by you dodging his question. “I asked first. You literally avoided answering me when you-”

“Because you’re turning this all on me after you smooched off that girl!” You face was red, beyond furious at the accusation. “Don’t you dare talk to me!” you yelled, not caring that you were in a library. Without giving Taeyong a chance to retort back, you turned on your heel and hurriedly jogged back to the table with hot tears descending down your face.

You wiped the tears off with the back of your hands angrily and began throwing your stuff in your bag carelessly. Your three friends looked at you in alarm to see your crying face. You didn’t care where your other two friends were. All you wanted to do was get away from everyone, especially him.

“Y/N? What-”

Before Joy could ask, you ran out the library.

Joy quickly packed her belongings. “I’m gonna go,” she informed and rushed after you.

Johnny and Ten looked at one another in worry and later saw Taeyong walk back to the table with a scowl. He had already wiped the lipstick off his face.

“What happened Taeyong?” Johnny asked.

“Nothing,” he tried to brush it off, not in the mood to talk about it.

“It was definitely something!” Johnny’s voice boomed with such resonance that it made the librarian draw the last straw and kicked the boys out.

That wasn’t even a problem when they had a bigger problem at hand.

On the way down the steps of the library, Yuta and Mark had caught up to them, asking what happened that made everyone leave the library suddenly. Taeyong hadn’t said a word yet, the scowl permanent on his face.

Johnny wasn’t content with the silence. “I’m not letting you into the house if you don’t speak up, young man.”

Right at that time, Lucas exited the library, passing by the boys casually. Taeyong noticed him and saw Lucas shoot him an evil smirk, shaking his head in disappointment and left.

Dropping his scowl, Taeyong lifted his arm to stare long at the smudged lipstick on the back of the hand.

His heart stung badly, the feeling of regret slowly creeping into his heart.

- ❀ -

You had gotten back to your apartment with Joy hot on your trails. You threw your bag angrily on the couch and walked to your bedroom, slamming the door shut on Joy. You wanted to be alone when crying. Crying for the boy that you thought wouldn’t hurt you. Crying because he betrayed you. Crying because Taeyong witnessed another man harass you in front of his eyes and didn’t do anything about it.

Your legs gave up, sliding down onto the floor as you cried.

“Y/N?” Joy didn’t want to barge into your room. Curiosity was eating her up to learn what happened, but she knew you well enough that you needed your space.

When she didn’t hear a response from you and only your cries, she decided to message him.

- ❀ -

“There’s no way Y/N would cheat on you! Do you even hear yourself?”

“But it’s true. I saw it, Johnny.”

“Nonsense! I don’t believe it. Seriously use your brain Taeyong!”

None of his friends believed him. They’d known you for almost half a year now. They had a feeling that you wouldn’t do anything to break the trust of your friends, especially your boyfriend. Jaehyun was something they all assumed at first before Jaehyun cleared it up.

“Isn’t it a coincidence that at the same time Bella talked to you, that guy was with Y/N too?” Ten voiced out. “What if it was a setup?”

Now that Taeyong had thought through the entire situation at the library, he was getting more afraid that he had gotten into Bella’s words and wrongly mistrusted you. Even worse, he felt like killing himself for not saving you and beating Lucas up for what he did to you.

You needed help and Taeyong, literally a few steps away, overlooked that and turned the table on you.

He gripped his hair in anger and hung his head low in disappointment.

Johnny’s phone began ringing and excused himself out the living room. “Hey Joy,” he greeted not sounding as cheerful as he usually would.

“What happened? Y/N is bawling her eyes out and I have no idea how to calm her down.”

He explained the case to her and at the end of it, Joy was gripping her phone so tightly that she was close to throwing it at the wall. “I’m going to kill Taeyong!” she screamed, her face going all red. “Where is he?”

“As much as we want to knock sense in him, we need to think of a way to clear the misunderstanding.”

Joy sat down on the couch, counting numbers in her head to calm herself down. “Okay, but I’m never forgiving him for this.”

The doorbell rang and Joy got up to answer it. She swung the door open revealing a worried Jaehyun.

- ❀ -

“Who the hell was that guy? We need to talk to him.” Mark said.

“More like we need to beat him to pulp for doing that to Y/N!” Yuta corrected. “The exact thing someone should have done at that time,” he said throwing shade at Taeyong.

Taeyong wanted to dig his own grave the more the boys talked about it.

The front door slammed open, the person not bothering to close it. Jaehyun looked around for the boy at fault, making eye contact with him and stormed over. Standing right in front of the sitting boy, he demanded for Taeyong to stand up. Taeyong did without hesitation and was ready to accept a blow as he deserved it. The rest of the boys gathered around closely, ready to hold back Jaehyun if a fight broke out.

“Listen to me carefully Taeyong. As much as I want to punch you in the face, I’m not a man of violence. And Y/N would never want that either.”

Upon hearing your name, Taeyong’s heart broke even more.

“Y/N gave you a chance. She could have easily moved on with her life without you. Heck she could have lived her life without confessing to you. There was literally no need for a relationship seeing how you two have problems! The reason why she gave you a chance is because she loves you.”

A tear slipped down Taeyong’s face. Everything that came out of Jaehyun’s mouth was true and hit him right in the center of his heart. You and him couldn’t have happened if it weren’t for you two gathering the courage to get over the personal issues. What you had with him was fragile and a slight sever in the relationship would mean an end to the trust.

“What do I do now?” Taeyong whispered more to himself.

Jaehyun heard him. “You’re going to beg for her forgiveness. And you’re not giving up.”

- ❀ -

The night fell, and you laid your head on your beloved friend’s lap. Your eyes were closed due to the fatigue that added up when you cried, and Joy gently stroked your hair in efforts to soothe your aching heart.

Your phone was on silent, not in the mood to communicate with anyone. It sat beside Joy so she could check to see if you’d get any urgent notifications.

You hadn’t spoken a word when you left your room. Joy was immensely relieved for you to have finally come out of your room that she didn’t mind your silence. Baby steps, she thought. You’d talk in due time when you were ready.

The phone lit up beside her, her eyes landing on it right in time. She didn’t want to ask you in fear that you’d start crying again and so on your behalf, Joy declined Taeyong’s incoming call.

Taeyong knew it wasn’t going to be easy for you to forgive him. But like Jaehyun said, he wasn’t going to give up.

- ❀ -

The next few days, you had been avoiding Taeyong. He would call and message so often that you had enough of the painful sensations in your heart every time you saw a notification from him and blocked him altogether.

When his attempts to get through you with his phone failed, he decided to make a trip to your apartment. You had seen it coming and told Joy to handle him while you hid in your room.

Joy wasn’t going to risk opening the door in case Taeyong invited himself in without permission. When she heard a series of doorbell ringing, she unlocked her phone to call him.

“Taeyong leave.”

“No! Please let me see her,” he pleaded. She could hear the hoarseness in his voice.

“Y/N doesn’t want to. And I’m not opening the door so instead of wasting your time and giving her stress because she’s clearly trying to avoid you, leave.” There was not a single ounce of warmth in Joy’s tone. She had given Taeyong a chance to not let her down, and he did the exact thing she feared.

Taeyong heaved a sigh of defeat, giving up until he thought of a better way to get closer to you.

Joy breathed out in relief, thankful that he left without making much of a commotion. She cautiously walked over to your closed room and put her ear against the door. Instead of your cries, she was met with your silence. Opening your door, she found you sitting on your bed, your arms hugging your legs and your chin rested on top. Your eyes void of any emotions as you tried to numb the agony in your heart.

Joy carefully sat down beside you as if you were a bubble that would burst any second. “Can I ask you something?”

You inhaled deeply and nodded.

“Are you going to break up with him?”

Break up... with Taeyong.

The thought of ending your relationship with Taeyong sent a million pins and needles at your heart. Regardless of everything that happened, that was one thing you wished never happened. He made you happy, feel so alive with a love that you had never experienced in your life.

But flashbacks to the what happened in the library killed you.

“No,” you croaked out. “But he-”

“I know everything Y/N. Johnny told me. I’m not trying to take his side after what he did to you. But nothing like what you think actually happened between him and that girl.”

A pinch of pain lifted from your heart, hoping your boyfriend was as innocent as your friend claimed. “What? But he had-”

“That girl apparently jumped on him. The others think this was a set up to break you and Taeyong up.”

- ❀ -

The next time you had a class with Jaehyun, he didn’t dare to speak about Taeyong to you and opted to talk about other things. You were starting to feel better with the impression that Lucas personally didn’t want to inflict any harm on you. And you had confirmed this the next time you saw him on campus with Jaehyun thankfully beside you.

You took cover behind Jaehyun when Lucas approached holding his hands up to show that he meant no harm.

“Look I’m really sorry. I only did as I was told and I didn’t actually mean to scare you like that,” he said to your eyes as you peeked over Jaehyun’s shoulder.

“Why did you do it?” Jaehyun asked coldly.

“She was giving me money for it. It was a dick move but don’t we need money as broke students? And I was going to tell you the truth after I got the money. Seriously.”

Jaehyun looked over his shoulder at you, wordlessly asking you for the next move. Your heart rate slowed down when you decided to believe in Lucas. “But why would that girl do that?” you asked.

Lucas shook his head, not knowing the exact reason. “I think she’s jealous. As a lot of girls would be. Taeyong is really popular. For them to hear that he’s in a relationship would… you know?”

You nodded slowly and came out from behind Jaehyun, feeling a lot braver.

“Once again Y/N, I’m really sorry for scaring you.” When you stayed silent, he took your silence as a sign to leave.

Jaehyun let out a sigh and turned to you, observing your silence.

You were still hurt by Taeyong’s lack of trust in you, led astray by someone else’s words. The girls were going to be an issue. You figured that they weren’t going to stop, which meant that if you and Taeyong wanted to keep the relationship alive, an unbreakable trust had to be formed.

But you didn’t know if you could trust Taeyong just yet. He did it once. He could do it again. Taeyong was going to have to win your heart if he was serious about you.

For that, only time could tell.

- ❀ -

Jaehyun informed Taeyong of your encounter with Lucas. When Taeyong learned that it was all Bella’s plan, his blood boiled in anger. Not at Bella. Not at Lucas.

At himself.

He was almost about to give up on you as you deserved someone so much better than what he was. Pathetic. But Jaehyun knocked some sense in him to not give into his frustration and instead think of a way for you to forgive him.

Taeyong got into contact with Joy, asking her when you would be at your place and assured her that he wasn’t going to see you.

The first time he came by, Joy trusted Taeyong to not barge in and opened the door. He quietly stood there, unmoving, holding some things.

Your ear was pressed against the bedroom door in attempt to eavesdrop their conversation. You couldn’t make out the inaudible mumbles until-

“Y/N come out!”

Your heart rate picked up. Was Joy calling you out while Taeyong was there? You opened the door enough for one eye to check on the situation, but it didn’t give you much of a view.

Seeing that you were taking awhile, she added, “He’s not here. Don’t worry.”

You opened the door fully and walked out, heading to the direction of the voice. In the kitchen, you saw Joy lay a bouquet of lilacs on the counter along with a tray holding two drinks and a small bag of baked goods fitted in one of the empty cup spots.

“What’s this?” you asked surprised.

“He gave you, well us these treats so we can have energy to study. And these flowers... he didn’t say anything.”

The dull pain inside you converted into a blossoming feeling. Your heart warmed at the thought that Taeyong was taking care of you when you weren’t talking to him and refused to see him.

Joy noticed a white note tucked in between the stems of the bunch. “Oh there’s something here. I think you should read it.” She handed you the note.

Slowly you unfolded it and read his handwriting.

- I’m sorry. I don’t deserve you. I’m not worthy for you to forgive me. But please take care of yourself. Don’t fall sick. Don’t stress too much. Eat well, sleep well too. I love you.

- ❀ -

Everyday Taeyong came to drop off some food and beverages, whether it’d be from a coffee shop, your favourite takeout or even his homemade foods that you loved so much. Joy would see the forced smile and the gloomy look in his eyes during the delivery. He wouldn’t say anything to Joy and before she could ask about himself, Taeyong would already be walking away.

One day, Joy had to meet Johnny and Ten for a review session. You were home alone and Taeyong wanted to give you food.

But how was he going to do it without you seeing him?

You got a message from Joy.

Joy: Taeyong is going to doorbell and drop some food by the door. He’ll leave right away so you won’t see him

Your heart accelerated. Every time you saw Joy place food on the counter that Taeyong brought for you, your heart melted. The note he had given you on the first day was tucked safely in your notebook, seeing it right away upon opening it. The lilacs were sitting in the living room in a white vase. Every time you walked out of your bedroom, your eyes would land on them, thinking about the first time you saw them with him.

The doorbell rang.

Taeyong.

You tried to calm down your quickened breathing, debating whether you should catch him or wait for his departure. Ultimately, you decided against waiting for him to leave, a small flicker in you wanted to see him.

You opened the door and saw a cloth bag on the floor with clear glass containers of the foods he cooked. You turned your head right in time to catch a glimpse of his figure, walking into the elevator and not glancing back at you.

- ❀ -

After you finished writing your first midterm, you pulled out your phone and dialed a number.

“Y/N! Oh my God! How are you?”

You smiled at hearing Ten’s cheerful voice. “I’m okay thanks. How are things with you?”

He groaned. “Ugh, what can I possibly say about math? Why did I do this to myself? Anyways what’s up?”

“Is Taeyong near you?”

“No I’m alone.”

“Do you know what he’s doing today? Like is stressed for anything right now?”

He was silent for a bit. “I don’t know what he’s doing today. He’s pretty unpredictable these days. Why- Wait a minute! Don’t tell me you want to see Taeyong!”

Ten took your stunned silence as a yes and you heard him scream a series of yeses, cuing you to cut the call. The entirety of your midterm exam, you couldn’t stop the gnawing at your heart, couldn’t stop thinking about Taeyong.

Going to the blocked contacts list, you found Taeyong’s number and unblocked him. On the messages app, your fingers hovered over the keyboard, afraid of what he felt towards you. Would he be mad at you for not talking to him this long? Your fear was irrational because he wouldn’t have dropped by every day to deliver food if he was. Maybe he did it every day because he became used to it.

You took a deep breath in and typed a message, sending it right away.

Taeyong felt his phone vibrate beside him. He was currently working on the written assignment that was supposed to happen at the library before the unfortunate event. He pried his burning eyes away from the laptop screen and onto his phone, his heart stopping.

A message from you.

At the speed of light, he picked his phone up, wishing his eyes weren’t playing a trick on him.

It really was you.

Love: Are you busy?

He wanted to call you. He was desperate to hear your voice. But he didn’t want to push his luck.

Taeyong: No

Love: Where are you?

Taeyong: At home

Love: Can you meet me?

Taeyong: Of course, where?

Love: Parking lot of the campus. We’ll go somewhere from there.

He wasted no time, grabbing the essentials including his phone this time, and hurried out the door.

You waited at the spot, trying to think of where to go. For what you wanted to talk about, you wanted it to be a secluded area where no one else would likely be at that time. Lost in your thoughts of where to go, you didn’t hear a car pull up beside you.

Taeyong’s car.

He stepped out and rounded his car, walking closer to where you stood on the curb. “Y/N,” he called you quietly, scared that he was going to make a wrong move and have you run away from him.

When you locked your gaze with his, you felt the time slow down. You missed him so much. You longed to feel the warmth in his arms, like he would be shielding you from the world. You missed the feeling of his lips on you. You missed spending time with him, cuddling with him, kissing him. Everything.

You missed him because you loved him, but you didn’t know if you could trust your heart to him just yet.

“Tae,” you whispered and a tear slip down your face, instantly drying from the chilly weather.

Taeyong smiled genuinely for the first time after a while, and it made you feel a bit better that he wasn’t mad at you. “Thank you. And I’m really sorry. I’ll spend the rest of my life saying sorry-”

“Don’t,” you cut him off. “I wanted to talk to you.”

He nodded frantically. “I’ll listen to anything you say.”

You asked Taeyong to drive you both to the conservation park, the same one where you confessed to him. The drive there was silent. You weren’t going to make small talk with him just yet. Meanwhile, Taeyong’s hand were getting sweaty as he gripped the steering wheel tightly, nervous about what you were going to say. He didn’t know if you were breaking up with him or not, and the thought of you doing so devastated him.

After he parked the car, you wasted no time and got out of the car with Taeyong following. You thought hard contemplating whether to do it or not, and at the end let your heart give in. When he jogged up to you, you laced your fingers with his. The small action made Taeyong’s heart explode, sending an immense amount of hope that things might become okay between you two.

You led him along the trails in the forest, walking in the familiar direction when you and Joy came here for the first time.

Taeyong recognized the path that once led him to the big surprise and thought you were taking him there. To reminisce that night. But he was wrong when you passed the spot. You were taking him somewhere else.

You stopped at the end of the trail, leaving Taeyong speechless. In front of his eyes was a sparkling blue lake with trees decorated along the other inaccessible side. The water sat still, unmoving in the chilly weather, creating a perfect mirror on its surface. Only a few ripples in the presence of gentle wind broke it fleetingly before regaining the seamless reflection.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” you asked.

Taeyong agreed but stayed mute. He was waiting for you to talk. The main reason why you wanted to see him.

“I wanted to tell you something no one knows. Something Joy doesn’t know... about my past,” you continued.

He felt his heart stop beating. You never brought it up to him and so he didn’t you were ever going to talk about it.

You squeezed his hand a little tighter out of anxiety. You didn’t ever want to talk about it, thinking that it wasn’t going to really mean anything now. It was your pain that you grew up witnessing. It was supposed to be something left in the past and never brought up again. For that reason, you were never ready to talk about it.

But if you and Taeyong wanted to form an unbreakable trust, you had to open up to him, even if it was just a little, and have him understand why you were the way you were.

“Joy asked me once a while back whether it was because of my dad. For not being interested in relationships. I guess it is.”

“Why?” he asked gently.

“Because he emotionally abused my mom.”

You heard him gasp and it felt as if time had stopped around you, memories of your past flooding back to you.

Speaking ill about your significant other, belittling them, asserting dominance. That wasn’t love. Invalidating their feelings, making them cry, having no respect for them. That wasn’t love. It was emotional torture. Not just to your mom but to you witnessing it all as well. You were in a way grateful to be an only child so your unborn siblings wouldn’t have to see it and mature the way you did.

With a gentle squeeze of your hand, Taeyong brought you back to the present moment. “Y/N, I’m so sorry,” he spoke so softly.  

You shook your head. “No, I’m sorry. I don’t think I can say anything more. It’s too hard for me. It’s something I try to forget. But I guess it’s scarred in my heart.”

“And you don’t have to say more. I understand.” He rubbed his thumb in circles on the back of your hand, hoping to soothe you.

“I became aware of it in middle school that it wasn’t supposed to be normal. It was too much for me to see my own dad do it to my mom. That’s why I guess I never bothered myself with boys and relationships.”

“Oh my God, I’m really-”

“Don’t you dare say sorry again.”

He bit his tongue before that word slipped out. “But... can I ask you something... about them?”

“Yeah.”

“Are they still together?”

“Yes.”

“Why didn’t your mother leave him?”

You thought that too. You desperately wished for them to divorce or just live separately. It killed you to see your mom be tormented and broken-hearted every single day. “She never left him because she was dependent on him. And she would claim that it wasn’t the real him and it was his way of showing love.” You thought it was absurd. You knew she was lying. But as a child, you didn’t know what else to do other than to accept it.

“Are they still the same?”

You shook your head. “I don’t know when or why things changed after I left for uni. Whenever I’d go back to see them, it looks like my dad is putting an effort to not hurt my mom. Something must have happened after I left that knocked some sense in him, I guess,” you chuckled to yourself. Even though your dad was getting better at respecting your mom, the pain of seeing of your mom cry to herself every day remained in your heart.

Taeyong was quiet for a moment. The scar from your past was still there and he wanted to be careful and not prick it by saying the wrong thing. After some thought, he asked, “Can I ask you something?”

You laughed quietly, remembering the day when this exact thing happened with the roles reversed. “Yeah.”

“Can you trust me?” He made his mind up. Knowing about you and your past, he was never going to doubt you again. He wasn’t going to jump to conclusions like the way he did with Jaehyun and Lucas.

“I can. But not if you-”

“I won’t ever make assumptions or doubt you again. Like the way I did with Jaehyun and Lucas. I’ll always trust you with my whole heart. I mean it.” He gave your hand a gentle squeeze.

You sent him a weak smile. “Okay. I’m trusting you.”

He smiled at you in a loving manner to which you reciprocated.

You reminded yourself of one more thing to say. “Also Tae, I’m sorry.”

He was puzzled by your apology. Why are you when I’m the one at fault, he thought. “For what?”

“For doubting you, for kissing that girl.”

He shook his head frantically. “You shouldn’t be the one to say sorry. It’s all my fault. It wouldn’t have gotten bad if I didn’t... I’m really-”

“Tae,” you narrowed your eyes on him.

He gave you an awkward smile and cleared his throat. “So... you won’t break up with me?”

You laughed. “As serious as everything I said sounds, and for something that you realized your mistake after, I can give you another chance. You’re lucky I love you so much.”

Taeyong let out a deep breath, feeling his shoulders lighten incredibly. “Thank goodness. I thought the talk was going to be about us breaking up.”

You tenderly smiled at him. “How can I break up with you when you sent food every day? Especially when you sent me your delicious home-cooked meals. That’s literally so sweet of you,” you cooed.

Though the cold air coloured his cheeks rosy, your compliment made his cheeks turn beet red. He giggled it off and showcased his beautiful heart-stopping smile. “I love you too, Y/N.”

- ❀ -

Ten had spread the news of you getting into touch with Taeyong at the speed of light. When Taeyong brought you to his place, everyone was waiting to see the good news. Mark jumped repeatedly on the spot in excitement, squealing and slapping Yuta’s arm in the process. “Ow Mark!” Johnny gave Joy a side hug, and observed a faint pink colour her cheeks, smiling at her. Joy finally forgave Taeyong after you had done so. As long as you were happy with him and everything got sorted out, she was happy. And last but not least, Jaehyun. He was very delighted to see his roommate win your heart again that his dimples were permanent on his face the entire day.

The big day arrived. Valentine’s day. Jaehyun had once told you that it was a blessing to have his birthday fall on a special day. He would receive double the gifts from his admirers. He recalled his high school days where gifts were piled on top of his desk and the locker would be filled with both birthday wishes and love letters. He was beyond excited to see his new friends prepared for his birthday slash Valentine’s day party.

Joy, Johnny and Ten had already gone to the venue to set up everything, while Mark and Yuta were in charge of taking Jaehyun around the city before bringing him there.

In the meantime, you were granted to have some quality time, as said by Ten, with your boyfriend before the party.

Boyfriend.

Taeyong.

The thought of him made you squeal in happiness, feeling warm and fuzzy in your heart.

Your heart leaped when you heard the doorbell ring to your apartment, signaling your loveable boyfriend’s arrival. When you opened the door, you found him affectionately smiling at you with crinkling eyes, holding a bouquet of red roses.

You grabbed his arm, pulled him inside and closed the door. When his gaze landed on your outfit, his eyes blew up. “Are you wearing a dress?”

Your heart was beating super fast, excited to show off the rose print dress. “Yeah! Do you like it?” You did a little twirl to make the dress flow. “I know it’s cold outside but as long as I’m with you, I’ll be warm,” you said, grinning widely.

Taeyong was close to fainting from your cuteness. “It’s really beautiful. I’ve never seen you wear a dress before.”

You nodded. “Yeah I don’t really like wearing one. But I saw this and thought it’d be perfect to wear it on a special occasion. Like today for Valentine’s day. Plus you love red roses.”

He did love red roses, the ones that resembled the scar beside his right eye. And you remembering it made his heart beat erratically in his chest. He pulled you into a crushing hug, holding you close to him as he placed a kiss on your forehead that ignited your entire soul.

“Okay as much as I love your hugs, the flowers are poking me, Tae,” you laughed.

“Oh.” He let you go, holding up the bouquet for you. “It’s Valentine’s Day so I wanted to give you these.”

You took hold of the red flowers, admiring their beauty. “Thank you. They’re really beautiful. Like you.”

He coughed, getting all shy from your compliment attack. “Only because it’s Valentine’s day. If it wasn’t, do you know what I’d get you?”

You frowned and shook your head. “No. What?” Your heart soared upon seeing the sweetest smile broke onto his face.  

“Magenta lilacs.”

[cummingforkylo]

The Prince Of Alderaan Chapter I

Summary: It’s the spring of 1813, you’re the daughter of Viscount Huntington and after your family went through a scandalous season last year your parents have decided it’s time for your debut in society as a marriageable young lady. You’ve had life long expectations about what this would mean, charming young men excited by the prospect of being your suitor, lavish dances, and falling in love. What your debut season turns out to be is far from your innocent imaginings, especially because the Prince of Alderaan is in London for the season and with him all kinds of dark intentions. 

Read it on AO3 | Send me a ko-fi

Rating: Explicit...eventually

Word Count: 6,117 

Warning: None as of now

Pairing: Kylo Ren x reader

Notes: This story is inspired by the netflix show/book series Bridgerton. It’s kind of a crossover because I do use some themes and characters from the show but it is mostly a Kylo x Reader fic. I am still in the process of writing it but it is all planned out. I’m hoping to post weekly but I don’t have any set schedule as of right now. I promise you this is not going to be super historically accurate so don’t expect that lol. I’m just here for a good time. I really hope you like it!!

Dearest Lords and Ladies of London,

As the social season of 1813 fully blooms in the spring air, I pose one question, what scandal awaits our starved apetites? Last year we enjoyed the delicacy of the great Huntington family being almost brought to their knees by the Viscount Huntington’s love of gambling. This year we can feast upon his youngest child and only daughter being presented to society for the first time, perhaps earlier than she should have been to in an attempt to make up for their problems last year. We also will get to try a taste of exotic flavor as the Prince of Alderaan has returned to London for business reasons unknown(but will surely be found out by this writer). As those of us who keep up with world politics know, the Prince is the current ruler of the Kingdom of Alderaan as he and his militaristic political faction ousted his mother, the Queen Regent, from power only a few years after his father abdicated responsibilities and is in places unknown.

Yesterday, the young ladies of high society who are debuting this season were presented to Queen Charlotte of England and of course, it was an event filled with who’s who, how did this girl prove herself silly or charming or cold and who managed to scrape by with Her Majesty’s much desired approval. Miss Daphne Bridgerton was chosen as the Queen’s diamond of the season, and was, to use the Queen’s word, “Flawless.” It will be interesting to see how many suitors Miss Daphne may be entertaining over the next few weeks. Miss Huntington,  who’s family had very nearly been shunned by all of society last season proved to be quiet but charming and earned herself almost no regard from the Queen but did fair better than the young Miss Philippa Featherington who swooned almost the moment she was presented to the Queen.

Yes, Lords and Ladies of London, we are in for quite the season, I am sure. I can assure you I will be with you every step of the way. None of you know me, nor will you ever(no matter how hard I am sure you will try) but I know you. I know your business and every dark little secret that you think is private and I will gladly be sharing it with the rest of the society. I’m sure we will all become very well acquainted over the next few weeks.

Yours most sincerely,

Lady Whistledown

***

Everything was silk and cotton, ruffles on skirts, rouge, curls and words of the latest scandal sheet that had been delivered to the door of 3201 Grosvenor Square earlier in the day. You were of course readying yourself for the Danbury Ball that evening, it would be your first ball after being presented to the Queen of England herself and to society as a whole so it must be perfect.

“What did it say of me again, Mama?” You asked as you stood facing the large mirror in your room while your maid, Ella, tied up your stays. She pulled them tight but not so tight you could not breathe, fainting at your first ball would hardly do, it would be unacceptable outcome to both you and your parents who hoped to find you an excellent match this season.

“Do not concern yourself with what some horrid writer thinks of you, dearest.” Mama said, looking up from the paper in question. You had read it through and found your name mentioned multiple times, none of which had been terribly favorable. Of course she referenced the scandal that had taken place in your family the year previously but that had been covered endlessly in older scandal sheets and no one found it of much interest anymore. Lady Whistledown was new she had more interest in reporting the new scandals….and yet, she had mentioned it. So it would be fresh in any suitors mind, a thought that caused you discomfort. You would hate to fall madly in love with some beautiful lord only to have him find you detestable due to something that happened in your family over a year before. You had been looking forward to your season since you were a child, you imagined it always bathed in beautiful spring sunlight, you imagined yourself surrounded by affectionate suitors, flowers, music, charming conversation and always…options.

Now that your season was here, you found it tainted by the mere memory of scandal but you were not going to let it stop you from finding love and enjoying the beauty of being out in the eyes of society. Marriage eligible. Despite what Lady Whistledown had written, you felt yourself ready for society, ready for all that it could bring you; and your Mama was right, you should not let the words of a gossip writer concern you. Ella had finished with your stays so now it was time for your petticoat and then your gown, fresh from the modiste. Once it was on, buttoned, straightened, and thoroughly fussed over Ella stepped back and you examined yourself in the mirror. The dress was fashionable in every aspect, powder blue, high waistline, short puffed sleeves, and square neckline that showed off more than you had ever been allowed to show before. You felt it swish around your slippered feet and you felt exactly how you had always dreamed of feeling just prior to your first ball.

“Mama?” You prompted, glancing over your shoulder to where your Mama was still poring over Lady Whistledown(even though she had told you not to concern yourself). Lady Huntington finally looked up and gasped. Standing up, she rushed to your side.

“You are a vision, dearest.” She said, smoothing a section of your hair. You smiled, allowing your eyes to linger on your own reflection again. Your heart sputtered with excitement, tonight could very well be the night that you would first lay your eyes upon the man you would wed.

“We truly do not need to worry about what the Horrible Whistledown woman writes, because you are such a gem that all the gentlemen at tonights ball shall be vying for your attention. “ Mama said. You looked to Ella,

“Do you agree, Ella?” You asked, reaching out for your maid’s hand, you had known her for years and she was your closest confidant, especially after all you had endured last season.

“Oh, My Lady, my opinion hardly-“

“I do very much value your opinion, Ella…and I’d believe you if you were to tell me I look like a fool. Please.” You said, squeezing her hand.

“You look lovely, my lady.” Ella said, you gave her a look that practically begged her to tell you the truth. “That is the truth, my lady. You’ll need your best gloves but you look just as your mother said, a vision.” She said. You smiled and looked back to the mirror, allowing yourself another moment to take yourself in. Perhaps it was a silly thing to do, perhaps you were being vain but you had to be flawless to be viewed as eligible and that was what you intended on doing.

***

Kylo Ren had changed his name years before and still sometimes invitations were addressed to his past name. Especially when he was here in London; he believed his mother had something to do with that and he despised it. Of course, no one would refer to him as that name to his face, no one had the courage to do that; but he still found it irksome to look at the letter sitting on his desk that invited him to the Danbury Ball tonight addressing him as Benjamin. Even worse was the gossip rag that had been delivered to his address that morning not only mentioned him but even the author of that drivel had managed not to refer to him as his detested past name. And yet, high society here in London could not be bothered to at least address him as his title. It had his mother’s doing written all over it and it put him in a truly foul mood. There was a knock on his door and he looked up from his desk,

“Yes?” he called and the door opened, revealing the butler.

“A General Hux here for you, Your Grace.” He said in the snooty high society accent of a well trained London butler.

“Yes, let him in.” He said dismissively. He went back to the work in front of him while he waited for the wretched man to enter. He was in no mood for Hux, his chiding or his warnings about tonight’s events. Yet, he had to humor the man even while they were here in London. General Hux commanded Alderaan’s army and even though Kylo commanded the General, he needed to keep the abhorrent man at least semi happy.

“Ren,” Hux was already speaking as he walked into the room. Kylo stood, deciding to ignore the fact that Hux had not bowed or showed any amount of respect for his position as he entered the room. Kylo held his hand out for the General to take, Hux clasped it, and Kylo maybe squeezed his fingers harder than he had intended to.

“Hux,” He said in greeting. “How are you?” he asked in a tone that implied he didn’t care at all about the answer.

“Well. Enjoying London so far. Ah,” Hux had spotted Lady Whistledown’s sheet on the desk and walked over, picking it up. “You received this as well?” He asked around a smile.

“Of course, I believe it was delivered to all the households in high society.” Kylo said, he picked his tailcoat up from over the back of his chair and pulled it on. The ball was in a few hours and he needed to begin to get ready, to make himself presentable for society so he hoped he could rush Hux out by appearing busy.

“It mentions you.” Hux said, looking at the paper in one hand while the other arm was tucked behind his back in a way that was clearly commonplace for him due to his military background. A refreshed wave of irritation washed over Kylo as Hux told him something he already knew,

“Yes. I have read it.” Kylo said through a clenched jaw.

“You know this means all the young ladies and their Mama’s will be out for your favor.” He said. Kylo didn’t want to hear it, he knew it to be true but listening to it from a man he could barely stand was not something he wanted to tolerate.

“I know. It does not matter.” He said.

“You would be wise to marry.” There was the chiding Kylo had expected. “People will only take you seriously when you have an heir…and an heir,” He looked at Kylo meaningfully, “A legitimate heir, requires a wife.” He finished in clipped tones. Kylo realized he had been clenching his fist, his brow furrowed, anger coursing through him. He slowly released the clenched hand.

“Do you forget who you are speaking to?” He asked, his voice going from the simple boredom of before to fury.

“No, Your Grace, I merely am trying to impress upon you the importance of something you seem to have entirely written off. Just because you want to behave like a petulant child and irritate your mother-“ Hux was cut of mid sentence due to Kylo crossing in front of his desk and grabbing the shorter man by the front of his tailcoat. Kylo dragged Hux towards him, their faces close, fury burnt through the Princes’s expression.

“You’ve forgotten your place, Hux.” He snarled and then because he did not wish to start a brawl with his army’s general in the study of his London home he shoved Hux away so hard the man stumbled. “I am aware of the situation and I do not need your counsel. Now, I will see you at the events tonight. Remember who you speak to next time.” He warned. Hux hastily fixed his collar, adjusting it as he caught his breath, still looking shaken. It was not the first time the Prince had brutalized him in such a fashion and neither of them thought it would be the last.

“I shall see you tonight.” Hux said before turning to leave. He paused at the door,

“You would do well to reign in that temper, Your Grace, if you do wish to secure an heir and your position.” Hux warned and then he was out the door. Kylo stood there, shaking with rage, it bubbled inside him and in an explosion of movement he lashed out and sent a stack of books flying from their position on the desk. They crashed across his desk as they went flying, upending a inkwell, throwing papers into the air and making a giant clatter as they hit the floor. Kylo stood back, seething as the Butler hurriedly entered to clear it up.

***

The Danbury Ball was just as Kylo had suspected, stuffy, hot, and dull. It was filled with the smell of ladies perfume and powder from the wigs worn by the musicians. It was also filled with young ladies and their Mama’s flocking around him begging for his attention either for themselves or for their daughters. “Lady This from That estate in the country, Your Grace, I can play any Mozart you’d like on piano.”  “Lady Whatever, Your Grace, please meet my daughter Miss Whatever. We have three homes in London alone thats not to mention our country estate. So you can assume her dowry is sizable.” “Your Grace, what an honor that you would attend-“ “Prince Ren, I’d like you to meet-“ It seemed to go on and on and there was no escape, unless he were to leave entirely and he knew that was unacceptable.

Kylo refused to be bested by the hordes of young women, all bright eyed, rose cheeked and dressed in the most fashionable of gowns. No, he would hold his ground, be polite but dismissive and leave it at that. How dull. Leaving it at that. Lots of the girls were attractive but most of them would prove to be proper young ladies who would never be caught dead alone with a man, let alone in any of the compromising situations he might find enjoyable. It was true that it would be easy enough to lure one of them out to the garden and from there some kind of seduction would be simple, a kiss on the neck, a hand on the waist and the girl would be so flustered and excited that she wouldn’t know how to say no. For a moment he found himself entertained at the idea but then he glanced around at the girls batting their eyelashes at him, smiling and trying to make themselves as demure and eligible as possible and he was bored once again. The idea of compromising one of their virtues had been exciting for a fleeting moment but the excitement had died the moment he truly considered acting on it.

Kylo excused himself in what was probably an extremely rude manner to the woman who had been trying to ask him if he hunted. He felt as if he was being hunted himself as he walked away from her and the other ladies who were waiting for their opportunity to talk to him. He finally found himself a tiny pocket of peace, just off of the dance floor by a window that looked out onto Lady Danbury’s gardens. He stood for a moment, finally getting to enjoy a second of peace and quiet when a voice next to him spoke,

“I’m shocked to see you here.” Kylo stiffened, because he recognized the voice. It belonged to his mother and he hadn’t heard it in years. It made his chest tighten, if his hands had not been clasped behind his back they would have trembled. Before he looked at her he set his jaw and his eyes hardened,

“Queen Regent,” he said in greeting, tilting his head down slightly but barely meeting her eyes.

“Ben,” Leia started but Kylo sucked in his breath through his teeth so she had to pause, but she continued without correcting herself, “I am so glad you’re in London for the season…there is so much you can accomplish. Starting with healing your relationship with Queen Charlotte.” Of course, the instant she spoke to him again it was about all his failings, all the things he needed to fix.

“No, Your Grace. It is not my plan to heal anything with her, she is not the leader of England just as you are not the leader of Alderaan.” His tone was cross but quiet, he didn’t need anyone hearing the way in which they spoke to one another. Leia glared up at him for a moment, Kylo could feel his mother’s eyes burning into him as if the glare could actually turn to fire and scorch his clothing and then his skin.  

“At least tell me you’re coming to these events looking for a wife.” She said after a moment of silence between them. Kylo looked down at her and watched her turn around to face the ballroom, placing both of her hands properly on top of her beautiful gilded cane. When he didn’t answer she took his arm, pulling him slightly to look at something. He tugged his arm out of her grip but looked where she was looking, “Daphne Bridgerton was named the diamond of the season. She was chosen by the Queen.” She said to him. Kylo’s eyes caught on Daphne, a pretty young debutant but thoroughly uninteresting to him. “She would make quite the wife, and being married to a Prince is a big step up for her. I’m quite sure she would be interested.” She was speaking hurriedly as if she knew he was about to walk away from her and to be fair, that was exactly what he wanted to do.

“I am not getting married, mother.” He growled, his voice still low. “Especially not to some girl who’s in the pocket of an English Queen.” He snarled before turning from his mother and stalking off.

*

Walking into the ballroom of your first ball was somehow better than all of your fantasies, all your dreams seemed to have lead to this moment and as you stepped in from the entry hall you lost your breath. It was a swirl of white gloves, beautiful light dresses, curls immaculately done up, men’s tailcoats jostling as they danced, and golden candlelight danced over the whole thing. You felt as though you had inhaled bubbles from the sips of champagne you had on holidays.

The ballroom at the Danbury’s estate was a large, high ceilinged room with many beautiful crystal chandeliers hanging down providing glowing golden candle light. On the mantles of the multiple fireplaces were spring green garlands, white roses tucked amongst the greenery. It had all the charms and refinement you expected from your first ball. The center of the room was the dance floor and just off to the side, below a grand staircase the musicians played beautiful, joyful music.  Many people danced and still more mingled around the edges of the dance, sipping drinks, talking  and trying to impress.

Your mama walked in behind you and it was her hand on your back that stopped you from staring all around with wide eyed wonder. You had been to balls before, but it had been as a child, not as a lady eligible for marriage and this was so vastly different.

“Close your mouth, dearest.” Mama said “Lest you catch a fly.” You snapped your mouth shut. Mama lead you to a table that had little cards connected to dainty pieces of ribbon on them. Dance cards. You found your name and Mama helped you tie it around your wrist and it finally felt real. You were here. You were finally going to be able to be a real lady, you could meet the love of your life this very night. Perhaps he would sweep you off of your feet and you would be wed by the end of the season. Did anyone get proposals after one night? You were sure that you had heard of a woman who had managed to get a proposal after only a few hours but you had to remind yourself of how rare that was. There were plenty of young ladies here tonight that had been searching for multiple seasons for a husband and had yet to find one. A lot of those girls didn’t even have a scandal in their family’s history and you did, you had to remind yourself of this so you remained beyond reproach. You had to be perfect. You straightened one of your gloves at your elbow and began to make the rounds.

It came naturally to you because it had come naturally to your mama and she had taught you very well. You greeted everyone by name and title, smiling but not too wide, never looking upset or dowdy. You spoke with Lord Humphies about hunting and Mr. Banbrook about music. You were even able to answer Monsieur De la Rue in acceptable French. Mr. Banbrook was the first to ask you to dance and so he took your hand and lead you out onto the dance floor. His arm wrapped around your back and he began to lead you through a fairly quick waltz. You began the dance dizzy with excitement, Mr. Banbrook was quite handsome, he didn’t have a title but he had money and he smiled while he talked and that charmed you. Something happened as you danced though, you realized your head wasn’t swimming with happiness, your heart wasn’t pounding hard and fast in your ears, there was no excited butterflies dancing in your stomach. You didn’t feel as if you had inhaled champagne bubbles. No. This was no different than dancing with one of your older brothers. Even the steps felt too familiar.

The conversation was lifeless as well, he talked endlessly about all the things he had,  and all the things he used to decorate his house with. You had long since left the topic of music behind and you found yourself staring off just over his shoulder, a pleasant smile plastered onto your face.

“I have quite a few stuffed deer heads on the walls of my study out in my country estate.” Mr. Banbrook said, you had to blink a few times to bring yourself back to reality. “They’re really quite beautiful.” He added when you didn’t answer right away.

“Oh, yes. I’m sure they’re lovely.” You said politely.

“Here in London I tend to fashion my home with art more than my hunting trophies-“ he continued and your mind wandered again, it was a thrilling moment when he spun you away from him for a moment and you joined with another gentleman before being spun back to your original partner. How could this be? Mr. Banbrook was perfectly suitable, maybe nothing special but, shouldn’t your first dance at your first ball bring some excitement?

After the disappointing dance with Mr. Banbrook he signed your dance card and promised to come back for another dance later in the evening and you were relieved when he left you. It’s just this first one that was bad, there are plenty of other gentlemen here. You told yourself this over and over again. The first man was not bound to be the man you married. There was a part of you that had hoped that the first dance with a man would be something magical, something that would have sent your heart into spasms of excitement, would have put stars in your eyes,  and butterflies in your stomach.

The next man to ask you to dance was Lord Kensington, he was handsome if a bit more bumbling than Mr. Banbrook. He stumbled over his words when asking you to dance but you reserved your judgment until you had danced. Lord Kensington had a title of his own and seemed completely taken with you. He kept his hand tight on your back as you danced. When the music picked up, you hoped and hoped. Please, let this give me every feeling I’ve ever wished for. But when he stepped on your toes and you had to tell him with a polite giggle that it was quite alright, you knew there was no chance. In what world would the man you were going to fall in love with step on your toes, smell of fish and stare at your chest while he tried to keep up with the steps to the dance. You hoped that the disappointment did not show on your face.

By the end of the dance it was hard to pretend you were enjoying yourself, but you attempted. He signed his name to your dance card and you thanked him. Soon. Soon. Someone will and it will be just as lovely as you’ve always imagine. Even if he isn’t the one you marry. It will feel like butterflies and champagne bubbles. You tried to tell yourself this after each man you had a dance with disappointed you. None of them were interesting, exciting, or like the spellbinding man you had always dreamt of.

No, you continued to have your feet trodden on, your back squeezed too tightly, be nearly put to sleep by the conversation and generally underwhelmed. Even the men who were perfectly lovely seeming sparked no interest in you. You tried very hard with them, listening to every word, dancing as prettily as you could, you tried to create the feeling you had dreamt of. The feeling you had when you first entered the ballroom, the rushing excitement, the pulsing happiness, the feeling of possibility. It never happened. The moment when you thought you might feel it, it just fizzled away.

You finished a dance with Lord Fernside and retreated to your Mama, she had been talking with Lady Featherington and the Viscountess Bridgerton when you came over. She detangled herself from the women and turned to you,

“None of those men were your fancy?” she asked, you wondered if she could so easily read it on your face.

“No, Mama…how did you-“ You asked.

“People have been talking,” Never a good thing. “It seems lots of people have been saying you seem…cold. Uninterested.” She said. You felt hot with anger suddenly. You had done nothing wrong, in fact you had played the part of interested and excited as well as you could under the circumstances.

“Uninterested?” You gasped.

“We will discuss it later, for now try and look happier, dearest.” She insisted. You took a deep breath and looked around the ballroom, hoping to calm yourself. You found your eyes drawn across the dance floor to the other side where a man stood almost a foot above the people around him. Besides being shockingly tall, he was broad with waves of dark hair, and a striking features. The oddest thing about him was that he was looking straight back  at you. It was as if your eyes had been drawn towards him because you could feel the intensity of his gaze. Your heartbeat quickened, you could feel it in your throat, your hands even seemed to tingle. You knew you shouldn’t stare at him and yet neither of you averted your gaze.

*

“Hux,” Kylo said in greeting as Hux appeared at his side. He did not take his eyes off of the girl across the dance floor from him. She was the first girl at this nightmare of a ball who he did not find completely banal. Maybe it had been the way she had looked around the ballroom with such misery that it nearly rivaled his own. Or maybe it was just because he found her attractive.

“Your Grace,” Hux said, looking up at him and then following his gaze across the ballroom. “Has someone actually caught your eye?” he wondered. Kylo quickly averted his eyes, not wanting to admit anything to Hux, his lip twitched towards a snarl but he reworked his face into disinterest once again.

“She’s attractive is all. Who is she?” He asked.

“Miss Huntington, daughter of Lord and Lady Huntington.” Hux said. “From what I’ve gathered this is her debut season but her prospects do not look good considering the scandal her family suffered last year.” Hux said.

“Scandal?” Kylo asked, the memory of a page in Lady Whistledown’s paper that morning floated back to him. Huntington. Gambling.

“Her father has a gambling problem and lost the family quite a lot of money, they were in some amount of debt. It seems they managed to dig their way out of debt and have returned to proper society.” Hux informed him, leaning in towards him to speak, Kylo wished it was proper to push him away. “I think it was mentioned in Whistledown this morning-“

“I do not care what is written in that fucking paper.” Kylo snapped. Hux was quiet for a moment and then,

“She is far below your station, Your Grace.” Hux said as he watched Kylo’s eyes drift back towards the girl across the ballroom. “And with that kind of scandal, who knows if she even has a dowry anymore.”

It was true. She was far below his station. Far from the Queen’s diamond of the season. Far from the choice his mother would have made for him. He could imagine the irritation he would cause his mother if he was seen with the girl. Choosing to dance with her out of all of the many, more appropriate ladies to choose from.

“Well, thank you for your input, General.” Kylo nodded to Hux and started to cross the ballroom towards the girl.

*

You had to hurriedly force yourself to look away as he looked back towards you, you had already been staring for too long. He was going to think you improper. Maybe you were improper, because you had never even spoken with the man and he was making your heart pound, making you lose your breath.

“Dearest,” Mama said, taking your arm. “The Prince is coming this direction.” She said. Prince?! He was a prince. You had locked eyes with a Prince and hadn’t even realized it.

“Prince?” You asked, shocked. Before your mama could answer you he was standing in front of you. All eyes were upon the two of you. Everyone who had been standing nearby couldn’t help but notice when a prince stepped directly in front of a young lady. You had to remind yourself that were, in fact, the lady he had stepped directly in front of. You looked up to him, struck again by how how tall he was. Your eyes met  and you were again struck by how handsome he was. Struck by how intense his gaze was. Struck by how hard your heart pounded. How it migrated up from your chest and into your throat. You remembered yourself in a hurried movement and curtsied, “Your Grace.” You said, trying to remember everything you knew about Princes. This must have been the Prince of Alderaan. You racked your brain for his name. Benjamin Solo.  No. Kylo Ren. He had changed it from his family name. Prince Kylo reached out for your hand, you held it out to him and he took it, gracefully bowing his head and kissed the back of it.

“Miss Huntington,” he said, he was unsmiling and yet you didn’t find yourself missing it. His face didn’t need a smile to be beautiful. “Would you care to dance with me?” he asked.

“Of course, Your Grace.” You said. Without another word he offered you his arm and you took it with a shaking hand. He lead you on to the dance floor and pulled you in towards him. The music was beautiful, another fun waltz but this already seemed entirely different from your first dance of the night. Your mind whirred, trying to come up with all that you knew of Prince Kylo. His reputation was not a good one, cruel, quick tempered, cold and unsettled were just a few of the things you knew of his reputation; but a reputation was not necessarily reality.

In the first moments of the dance, everything seemed to blur around you. It was like you could not focus on the outside world and the only focus was on him. Everything you wanted to happen in all your other dances with other men tonight was happening now. Your heart raced, your smile was genuine and butterflies danced in your stomach.

“Are you enjoying London, Your Grace?” You asked.

“Not at all.” He said, glancing away from you. Your brow furrowed, but you recovered quickly,

“I’m sure all of these balls and the season’s events must feel silly to you.” You offered with a smile. Prince Kylo’s eyes met yours and you felt your mouth go dry.

“Yes, they do. Especially silly when I have every stupid girl at this ball vying for my attention when I try to make it very clear I do not care to give any of them an ounce of my attention.” He said. At first you were shocked at the way he talked about other ladies, calling them stupid as if it wasn’t an insult. As if it was just a fact. Then, you realized he was giving you attention. He must have thought there was something special with you, something different, something worth giving attention to. Your heart leapt at this thought and you looked up at him, eyes meeting his.

“It must be exhausting being so desirable.” You teased lightly, you wouldn’t have done it if he hadn’t made it seem obvious that he felt you were worth giving attention to. You smiled at him in a way you hoped was flirtatious. As you smiled you watched his expression change from interest to something that might have been akin to disgust.

“You’re not so different from any of these other girls, are you Miss Huntington?” he asked. It took a moment for your excitement and interest to turn to  confusion and embarrassment and then finally indignation. Had he just implied that you were stupid?

“Excuse me?” You asked, unable to restrain the anger you felt.

“You were staring at me from across the ballroom, were you not?” He asked, his voice wasn’t so much teasing as it was mocking. Heat flooded your cheeks, embarrassed, you hurriedly looked away from him. Your jaw set and your heart pounding but not from excitement anymore, but instead from anger.

“I only looked at you because I felt you staring at me.” You said, your voice dropping lower.

“You felt me staring at you?” He asked, now sounding amused. The hand he had on your back moved upwards, towards the exposed skin of your upper back. You felt one of his gloved fingers brush against your skin,  shivers seemed to erupt through your body even though you were flushed from anger and the exertion of dancing.

“Yes. You looked at me with such…such…intensity that I felt it.” You insisted. He scoffed, his lip twitching up towards something like a smile. It irritated you and to your even worse irritation it interested you.

“I believe you are mistaken. I caught you staring at me long after I looked away from you, Miss Huntington.” He said seriously, his dark eyes seemed to burn. His hand against your back squeezed, the finger that lay across the skin on your back dug in slightly. You felt dizzy, your breath left you in a sharp exhale. You wished that this waltz was one where you switched partners, even for a brief moment, so you wouldn’t have to look at his burning eyes and the way his lips seemed to twitch as he thought or listen to the way his voice was so deep it reverberated through his chest. You had finally gotten what you had wanted from the night, the excitement from a dance, the rushing happiness, the kind that bubbled through your veins like champagne, the excitement that made you tingle. You got all the feelings you wanted but they conjoined and mixed with fury and embarrassment. Kylo leaned in towards you, he was so close you could feel his breath,  he was too close, you could hear his smirk as he spoke,“You stared at me, my lady. How improper.”