#i was sick bc it was 'too loud'
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#once again my pstd got triggered at work 👍#idk how to get over this shit man. how do i explain to my coworkers that waking people up for vitals is difficult for me bc#growing up if i woke my parents up id get beaten and screamed at. theyve beaten my animals for it. i got screamed at for sniffling when#i was sick bc it was 'too loud'#so when i have to wake people up at midnight for vitals i cant help but get choked up and upset#idk what i could possibly do to get over it. bc sometimes patients DO scream at me or DO become violent. how tf am i supposed to#do this shit when i basically turn into a 10 yr old again the second someone yells at me?
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eight years in november and somehow i do not love him any less and i cannot imagine ever falling out of love either
#z.gen#i love him so much like its actually crazy#he is so easy to be with. i was dead tired and exhausted and it was still so easy to be with him in a loud cramped concert hall like.#he loves me so much too. made a joke about my throat hurting in the concert hall and he looked so worried and i was like ohh you love me#i learned today for the first time im the only person he lets touch his hair (he is black for context) and like. im going to chew him alive#like i LOVEEEEEE that man#he also accepts me so much but like. he really fr loves me hes so considerate of me for no reason at all i feel like kid around him#i just truly never get sick of him ever in my life like how can i still love you this much#i dont know how to explain it but i think describing it as luck is the most sensible thing i truly feel like i won the lottery#i love him so much i was i could show the mutuals him like show and tell like that one vid. that is the love of my life#it really is true about the ebbs and flows of a relationship bc we have been through tough ass shit lol but i like.#love him. like dffhkjsbhkfnsjsdkfd i love him so bad. i hang off of his every word and i want to eat him alive#even when we disagree or get moody with each other or whatever i simply Love Him So Much
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I think we should bring back basic etiquette lessons such as shutting the fuck up when you’re watching a movie in a group that is not exclusively your friend group 🙂
#one of the groups on campus is hosting movie nights & I went to this one bc I've only ever watched pac rim on my laptop and wanted to watch#it on a larger screen. yay yippee I love this movie!#there r maybe 10-ish of us in this room and a three person friend group is sitting on the couch one of whom has seen the movie and two who#have not. okay so far so normal.#and then the movie starts and they won't! stop! fucking! commentating! the whole fucking movie!!! I don't have a problem with doing that#when I'm in just my friend group because I know that I can tell my friend to stop talking or pause the movie or whatnot but not when I'm in#a large group w people I'm not good friends with ffs#and the comments aren't even funny or anything they're all oh this is JUST like in iron widow!! oh they're SO gay and autistic!!! and#they're talking so loud about this that it completely drowns out the movie audio which has already been turned up a few times#like. be considerate!! some of us want to yknow actually listen to what's going on and not whatever bullshit you're saying#I nearly walked out three or four times before I actually wound up doing so#I may have been a bit of a bitch at the end but I don't care. I got up to leave because this was not an enjoyable environment and one of#them offered to turn the movie down if it was too loud. this caught me a bit off guard since I expected them to still be so wrapped up in#their convo and. well. I may have said 'it's not the movie that's too loud' before closing the door#this also reminds me a lot about my issues with online shipping culture and it bleeding through into how we interact with media irl#this is probably heavily influenced by my aromanticism but I'm so sick of people constantly reading romantic relationships into everything#AND placing more importance on those relationships than any other form. I don't mind romance in media. I think if done right it has great#emotional impact on a story but when a movie is running and when other people who may not want to hear it are in the room watching it too#is not the time to be loudly saying 'he's autistic!' 'they're in love!' 'she has a crush on him!'#I have my own interpretations of the movie some of which agree with what they said and some of which don't but that's beside the point of#knowing how to coexist politely in public#anyway. I think they were awful and annoying and they ruined my night out.#I think I'm just so incredibly mad about this because I love the movie and I was looking forward to watching it in a group of people who#found it cool as well while still having some modicum of politeness#I almost wish I had been meaner but that's the extreme annoyance talking I think#hater hour over love u guys bye
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getting home at 11 and having to 'wake up' at 730 because some toyota group of 100 people decided to book a private an hour before we open 🧍🏻♀️
#its 5am now which i dont wanna talk about (i played through one of little to the lefts dlcs)#which means i'll be extra tired bUT if i didnt work closing last night i guarantee i woulda been asleep by 9 :/#me: i cant work wednesdays and i prefer opening#my manager: okay *schedules me for wednesday and all closing shifts#its literally in my availability i cant work wednesday (ive literally never been able to work a wed)#idk how it allows her to schedule me for it if its not in the system lol#anyway i work 8 hours tomorrow which sounds normal but remember the 100 ppl event PLUS another normal weekend day of loud children#also like 5 people called out suspiciously all sick. convenient how that happens the day before a big weekend huh#i mean i totally would do it too if it wasnt the night before and if i wasnt scared of missing work#but my manager also said absoluetly no callouts allowed bc its a big weekend#and now suddenly everyone is sick the night before the big weekend ? aight bro#its funny to me tho bc they keep asking for coverage but no one is replying so theyre stuck w the shift anyway AHAHA#trials and tribulations of kats work life
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mera kutta kutta, tumhara kutta tommy?????
#insane double standards like#dad got the flu and recovered and i caught it from HIM and now he’s suddenly wearing a mask around me like ill get him sick again??????????#which is FINE like i wear masks outside too but damn like ?? watching him be so cautious around me when he should’ve worn a mask in the#first place is kinda ??? and so goddamn annoying#and its crazy bc he insisted on taking a nap in the other bed in my room (bc its cosier?) and kept snoring SO loud i couldn’t sleep at all#ALL WHILE WEARING A MASK???? like just sleep outside oh my god if my being sick bothers you that much oh my god#now he left bc his break ended and i have a pounding headache and a high fever and im soooo sleepy#and its 6pm so not a good time for napping#mehak.exe
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i feel like i can never get into charli xcx's music. i need something to bite into not even a lot just a little but i can never find anything to bite into with her music. like i can never find the juice of her music. her music is the equivalent to the sound of a heart flatlining and not in a fun way but in a boring way
#her music makes me feel like i'm 19 in a house party and it's only 11 pm#and i'm drunk and i stop dancing and i'm sweaty#and i feel sick#and all of a sudden i truly realize that i don't like the people i'm with#they're gossipy all the time and i've been trying to make it work with them bc there are moments where i see the real them#but they're miserable for the most part#and i go into the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror and i don't recognize myself#and i go outside on the porch and ask someone for a cigarette even though i don't smoke#and i don't smoke so i have trouble lighting it bc it's windy. and i'm 19 so this makes me feel embarrassed and lame.#and sometimes in moments like these i meet really great people#but i suck and everyone sucks and everyone feels a million miles from me#and her songs are playing so loud and it's fuzzy and the bass is too loud for the speakers and it makes me feel even more alone#text
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Best thing ever is when a little kid runs up to u grinning, looks up at u like :D and says “u look so cool” and then runs back to their parents just completely unprompted. This has happened to me twice now and I’ve teared up slightly both times idk why
#I think I’m just glad to not be scary seeming#and also bc I’m slowly becoming more like the people I thought were cool when I was little and I think it’s kinda sick#and I have a soft spot for children despite not lurking being around them much (they’re very loud and often clingy and I understand why#but I get too overstimulated too fast)#I helped my aunty raise her daughter a bit when she had wrist surgery and her daughter was a baby so I think that’s why lmao
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neurologist says my optic nerves are fine/same as last few appointments but still tells me to start taking 12 diamox a day and tells me to get out before i can ask why . also diamox like. cannot fix an issue involving my veins. but idk im not doctor so whatever
im 100% not taking 12 pills a day tho thatd hurt me. past few appointments hes just been rlly wanting me to have more diamox even tho he keeps saying im in remission but he wont answer when i ask why i need the meds then
#frank.txt#diamox doesnt even fix venous stenosis . its a diuretic that fixes like. pressure and water distribution n stuff#my jugular vein is too small and the blood flow sounds are simply Too Loud. its not effecting anything long term#but its causing migraines and nausea which is why ive been sleeping 24/7 . like my life has been sleeping. smoke. make coffee. read news#also i have never heard of someone taking 12 diamox a day. especially when im IN REMISSION#unfortunately its fatphobia. my neurologist is less concerned with my brain now and more concerned with making me smaller#which diamox already did and it was hell.#anyway im not going on 12 pills a day . that will just make me more sick. sticking with 4 and just seeing if it helps w Everything#the big thing is my optic nerves r still good at least. and my brain is too. its just my damn veins#theyre simply too small for my big blood...#fatphobia m#idk tagging that just in case#sorry minor venting abt medical shit. this disease is just annoying bc i do not feel like im in remission and i feel like they just#say that without knowing what it means#like theres no more damage and im basically all good but i still FEEL sick. like . idk its just Annoying#idk annoying is an understatement its distressing but i am learning 2 cope with it#just in a bad flare up or Sick Moment idk#long post#kinda idk#im FINE just mad
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our landlady sent someone to fix our kitchen floor (good, it was literally caving in and needed to be fixed for almost a year. Was legit afraid I’d fall thru it) but they are taking sooo long and I haven’t been able to cook for a full week bc our kitchen has to stay empty for them to work so the stove and fridge are just in the corner of another room. So. I’ve been eating chip meals for a full week and I am so sick of them. I need to cook I need VEGEBAL SO BAD I am going crazy
#IM GOING TO GET FUCKING SCURVY#there’s no counters to fix food so I can’t even rly prep and I’m ngl I’ve felt like shit so I don’t wanna leave the house to like#buy shitty premade salads or something but I need to ugh#I’m so sick of ppl being in the house working too the noise is driving me up the wall#it needed to be done and I appreciate them but thee autism is activating#I think my mom said the landlady wanted them to refloor other rooms after they finish the kitchen and I’m like…ok it needs it but if they#do my room and it takes as long as the kitchen does and I cannot squirrel myself away in my room#and have to work from the living room? I’m going to die fr#everyone in my family is loud and I need quiet to work#and my dad smokes in there and it gives me a headache#and where da hell am I going to put my cat. AAA#I’m just very stressed . I want to abscond to the woods where it is Quiet#I hate Sounds my anxiety is level 4849393 I’ve been so cranky it’s BAD#then I feel bad abt feeling bad bc it’s not rhe workers faults they’re doing a good job they put cabinets up and are repainting the walls#like when they were just supposed to be doing the floors . very nice#but adding days on TwT;;#not that it didn’t need the Reno like water damage aside the house is old and not cute old.#falling apart old.#sanchoyorambles
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#repost bc the jump from day to month is too much and the integrity of the poll must be kept#question posed bc i feel sick every single day and have for the last decade and i was reading an article which said that#50% of adults experience nausea at some point each YEAR#which seems like a crazy lowball!! so i read it out loud and my mom and brother were both like yeah i dont think ive felt sick this year#and my brother specifically said he doesn't think he's felt sick in the last few years at all!!!#so. poll#i know this website is the chronically ill website so the results might be a little skewed but im still curious#sorry to the two people who already voted i needed to fix this
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I honestly want to go home so badly. I’m stuck in a house with people and I’m scared to do or eat anything or leave my bed. I would have kept shopping around if I knew this placed used AA at all. The main thing I wanted was individual therapy multiple times a week
#and to be physically kept away from alcohol but honestly this seems worse#it’s worse if I can’t function bc I’m too scared to do anything#I feel so sick this is the sickest I’ve ever felt#it’s too loud here and my brain is fried from terror#I need to leave asap
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Look I know I haven’t been on here much but I have tickets to boygenius tonight and I need those of u who love boygenius to tell me that I’ll have fun and it’ll be good and I won’t panic
#I’ve been in a horrible nausea flare and haven’t left the house in like a month bc I’m too sick but I’m having an ok day today#but going outside sound like the scariest thing ever#and it’ll be loud and crowded and in a big outdoor amphitheater#and thinking about going to a concert right now makes me feel like I can’t breathe#so I just need someone to tell me that it’ll be fun#please
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im literally gonna fucking obnoxiously wake up all my siblings before i go to work in the morning bc i legitimately cannot fucking sleep bc of them they're being too loud
#og#like they're fucking sitting here opening and slamming doors and shouting and being loud like. come the fuck on this is fucking ridiculous#but if i wake them up im a fucking asshole. im so annoyed. like i also cant sleep bc i feel sick bc of the heat too
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Okay I think I am reaching the point with autistic burnout where I need to just. Go be in an isolation chamber for a while because I am SO Annoyed at the world and I really don't want to snip at people when it's not their fault.
#considering calling in sick from work tomorrow bc i don't think i can summon the restraint to not scream if my manager tries to correct me#when i know I'm right 😭#i don't know how to stop myself from just feeling so frustrated i dont even know if its burnout or#or if im actually upset for a logical reason#obviously I'm stressed about my living situation and I'm stressed about work being a shitholw#but like. i cried today bc there was a bug in my room and it was too loud like ??????#i need to go back on my meds
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ignore this i just wanna ramble in the tags for a sec i’ll probably delete it in a bit 🤪
#did an escape room with the fam on my sister’s birthday two days ago and my brother made me feel stupid the entire time#wouldn’t listen to me wouldn’t share or let me help and then act like i wasn’t helping (??? let me then)#and because he’s Loud my whole family was following his lead and ignoring me#but in the end i was the reason we won bc i was the only one who immediately understood the word riddles AND the one who wrote down#all the numbers he said we wouldn’t need. i was the only one who could connect the past information with the current problem#the only one who listened fully to the cd and decided to write down the locations without it being relevant yet#the only one who thought the tiny details might be relevant and the only one who automatically fixed his mistakes bc i noticed a pattern#and in the end still got no credit for anything (except from my mom) even tho if they had listened to me from the beginning they would’ve#been less stressed and finished sooner#then at the restaurant he didn’t listen to me again and we ordered too much even tho i told him we wouldn’t need it#THEN after dinner my grandma started texting me all frustrated telling me i need to keep my aunt updated on what’s happening thru the day#so she doesn’t feel left out. bc she’s having a rough time lately. bc it’s my job to make everyone feel better#FIRST of all this woman ignored me for years when her ex husband decided i wasn’t worth it#and now suddenly it’s my job to keep u informed on my every move so u don’t feel left out?? text me urself. ask what i’m doing.#ask HOW i’m doing??? do u even care beyond a ‘what colour is your sturdiness today namaste’#every time my aunt complains about the tiniest thing and starts crying about it it my grandma blames everyone else#no one even knows or cares if i’m having a rough time#she came to ‘help’ when my mom was sick and i did everything for her instead. and then she threw a fit when i wouldn’t eat her salad#when i was too exhausted from staying up all night with my mother to go on a run with her the next day#my mom finally got mad at her for implying i’m lazy all the time and told her i’m ‘neurodiverse’ and do things my own way and she didn’t#even know what that meant so my mom was like ‘on the spectrum ‘ and my aunt just got mad that she had never told her#would it have made a difference at all? would u have expected different from me?#meanwhile i’ve done so much for my cousin… including taking care of luca the entire time she stayed with us. i had him all the time#i didn’t mind. i love that kid more than anything. but everyone expects everything from me like it’s just a given#i talked her through every problem every breakdown walked on eggshells to keep her happy and then what does she do when she leaves?#ignores me. doesn’t come back when she said she would. complains that i don’t include her in things#bc sometimes i have quiet conversations with my sister so i don’t bother everyone#and then gg wants to know why i won’t come see her? why i won’t drop everything to fly there? my aunt wants to know why i don’t call?#because despite loving me u have made me feel inadequate my whole life. some of u more than others#and i’m tired. and it’s time for me to Be me For me without justifying it to everyone else.
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Having nausea during school<<
#hashtag i took my meds#after twoish months#;;;;#send help and cold water;;#i just know im gonna feel sick during lunch with all the different smells 😔#i need to get my 504 figured out bc most days the cafeteria is too loud for my poor ND ears and smells drive me insane#i legit forgot how loud school was when i was homeschooled bc the quiet was so nice
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