#i was shitting myself while we were driving UP the mountain

[winterf4iryy]

guys switzerland is unreal… how does the earth just look like this

[orshii]

Will I Ever See You Again? Chapter 5: The Love You Want

Author: orshii

Pairing: Kim Hongjoong x reader

Warning: cursing, violence, blood

Word count: 5,8 k

Summary: You were left alone with your brother, Yunho, and his best friend Hongjoong, after your parents' death. Yunho had someone to grieve with, but you? You had no one as your brother and his best friend pushed you away, singing becoming your only savior. There was one rule that Yunho made inside his friend group: “Don’t touch my sister”. And for this reason, Hongjoong had always kept his distance. But one night, you find yourself in danger. And from then on, Hongjoong does not leave your side. He is suddenly overprotective of you, and your relationship shifts and becomes fraught with tension and unspoken feelings, with secrets lurking beneath the surface and a painful past haunting you. Will you find out the secrets your brother and best friend have been keeping away from you? Will you be able to finally free yourself from your cruel past?

Will you fall in love amidst the chaos around you?

A/N: Omg finally I could upload the next chapter. Sorry for not updating for so long I just had to finish my thesis, which I managed to do...finally. About the story, we are slowly reaching the end. *sobbing*. I really love this chapter, because we finally understand a lot of things here as the truth unfolds. And their connection is going to be stronger, both with Hongjoong and Yunho finally. I think there's going to be one or two more chapters left. Have fun reading it, let me know your opinion if somebody is still here! :'( (sorry if there are mistakes!)

(Series Masterlist)

Taglist: @bvidzsoo @vixensss @deltamoon666 @scarfac3 @chatsgotmytongue

@xiang-zalea @cookiesandcreammy (taglist is open <3)

I wanted to throw up, to let all of these feelings out, I felt disgusted, sick of myself. I have never been hating myself this much.

I drove to the place that always calmed me down, it gave me peace. It was a parking lot up in the mountains, and when you walked to the edge of the parking lot, you saw the ocean and the town, where most of the people were already in dreamland.

I needed to stop while driving because I felt so overwhelmed, I was afraid I might kill someone on the road.

I stepped out of my car, the air was cold, but I felt hot, my skin was burning from all the blood that was continuously pumping into my body. I wanted to rip my heart out in that moment, to throw it into the ocean next to me, because I couldn't handle this pain.

I was breathing heavily as I leaned my back against my car, slowly sliding down on the dirty ground, I lifted my knees to my chest, burying my hand into my hair, trying to rip it out, as I wasn't completely myself, I wanted to hurt myself, for all the shit I said and for the things that happened.

I couldn't cry, I felt empty, I wanted to cry, just so my tears could comfort me, but they never came, just as I was alone all my life, no one was there to comfort me. No one was there because I pushed everyone away when they tried to comfort me. I needed to laugh, at myself, at life, for tricking me my whole existence, promising me good things, whispering sweet nothingness into my ear, so I believed, good was coming my way. But those were only lies. Lies, that promised me so much, lies that made me keep going, lies that kept me alive.

But as the truth came out, what was the point anymore? What was the point of living anymore? What was the purpose of my living? Was there any purpose?

These questions rounded my head all the time. It felt like I was in the middle of a desert, feeling thirsty, I saw water in the distance, but as I tried to reach it, it felt farther and farther away. That's called a mirage, a mirage is a thing you crave, but as you try to reach it, it suddenly disappears, it tricks you, making your eyes believe what you see. This is how life feels right now, and I couldn't escape the warm desert. And I wasn't sure if I even wanted to anymore.

I looked up to the sky, as my eyes fell on the beautiful moon above me, shining at me with its full power. Can't I just be the moon right now and disappear? Can I just shine in the dark, giving some hope to the people, whom can't find their way in the dark night? Would I be able to show the way towards people's desires? Would I be able to love myself, so I could give all my love to those who deserve it? Would I be able to…love someone? Do I even deserve to be loved?

The questions never stopped, but the answers were nowhere to be seen, as one particular face popped up in my mind. A smiling face, that comforted me every time I saw it, a face that gave me nothing but safeness. His beautiful sharp brown eyes reminded me of the depth of a forest in autumn. His thin lips reminded me of how gently he kissed me like he was a pirate and I was his long-searched treasure. His voice sounded like a melody, I never wanted to forget. His black and blonde hair, highlighted his eyes, his nose, and his lips. His hair reminded me all the time of how two-sided he was. He was possessive and overprotective but at the same time, he did all of this, because he was soft and caring.

I loved both sides of him…I think…I- I love him. I don't know when and how it happened, but I think I fell for Kim Hongjoong so badly, I couldn't stand up anymore. Not without him. I needed him in my life because I am not worthy enough at all without him.

That very familiar melody started to play in my head, as it always reminded me of Hongjoong, the lyrics that my brain created randomly, were always when I was with him. The realization hit me, as my brain knew what would happen from the beginning. I would have never thought that I'm going to fall for Hongjoong, who closed me out from their life, alongside Yunho, and I hated them for it. They had their reasons, but still, it was unfair.

Just as much as the things I said to Hongjoong, I can't even imagine what he went through. His parents died almost a decade ago, and since then we have had his family, at least it was Yunho and my father, and he had to watch as my father died, in front of his eyes, how unfair was this? My heart ached, at the thought of it, and the things I said to him, made me feel like I was the most unworthy human being on earth.

Hours went by as I sat on the ground, my car being the only support in my life. I was freezing on the chilly night, that slowly passed by with the hours, the sun slowly coming up, to switch places with the moon, so it can rest a bit.

I didn't feel anything at all, those hours passed by like minutes, minutes like seconds, seconds like milliseconds. I didn't think of anything, my mind was empty, I just stared in front of me, physically being there on the dirty ground, but mentally I was in a place where I felt at peace, I felt calm, I felt like I had no feelings and with that no problems.

The sudden noise of the early morning traffic brought me back to real life, realizing what was I doing, I stood up, blinking a few times, to get back my visibility. I walked towards the edge and looked down at the ocean.

It was so beautiful, the sun was coming up, luring me to melt into it. The sun shone through the calm waves, the ocean mirroring the sight above it, copying the colors the sun's rims let out, bright orange and red colors melting into each other like lovers.

 Seeing this mesmerizing landscape, made me realize how beautiful life was, it was worth living only as just for these. To see these miracles, makes your heart feel at ease. That made you forget all your problems, to make you feel like you are worth living. My common sense crawled back to my mind when I realized I needed to apologize to Hongjoong, I said some things to him, that made no sense and I'm sure he believed them, thinking it was really his fault. I decided I needed to tell him how I felt, how he made me feel, how grateful I was, how I…loved him. Even though he may think of me as Yunho's little sister that he needs to save no matter what, I wanted him to know that I would protect him at all costs.

I quickly sat in my car, as its engine slowly lighted up. My only destination being the boxer's club, as I knew Hongjoong always started his days there, practicing to be better day by day. My eyes were wide open, my heart thumping like crazy, I wasn't sleepy at all as sudden adrenaline kept me going, even though, I hadn't been sleeping nearly twenty-four hours. But I was very prejudiced to talk to Hongjoong, and after that, I think it was time to talk properly with Yunho as well.

After an hour passed and I was determined to get there until Hongjoong was still there, I finally arrived at the boxing club. Getting some flashbacks about the day he taught me boxing all of a sudden as if he knew I would make good use of those tactics. I did, for sure. It kind of saved my life as those bastards tried to attack me.

I parked my car and turned the engine off, luckily, I had to change clothes in my car, as I always kept there some just in case. It was just black sweatpants and a black oversized hoodie, it was actually Hongjoong's, I stole it when he left it in the living room, he didn't even notice it, so I kept it to myself, it gave me comfort, that I needed on my lonely nights.

 As I stepped out from my car, closing its door, a sudden gut, a bad feeling caught me. It was strange I never felt like this, and it was probably because I had to face Hongjoong and tell him everything.

I walked towards the entrance and went in. Suddenly I froze in my steps when I heard yelling from the main room, where the box matches were held, and probably Hongjoong was practicing, right now. But it was weird, these sounds weren't the signs of practicing men. It was yelling and laughing, and sudden hitting. I clearly heard Hongjoong's voice.

"Fuck off." His voice was determined and low.

I went to the door, so I could see what was happening, but I wasn't expecting what I saw.

My heart started to race, I pressed my hands to my mouth in shock, trying to not let any sound out, so they couldn't see me. I saw four men, their backs facing me, as they were standing in front of, Hongjoong, who was facing with me, looking up at them with killing eyes, being tied to a chair, his lips and nose bleeding. He was wearing his usual practicing clothes, a black short, ending at his knees and a black tank top.

You, being tied down,

Me, wanting to burn alive who caused it

"Tell us, where the fuck he is, or I'll use other hurtful methods, so you will speak, fucker." The one with the bleeding knuckles told Hongjoong, as probably he was the one hitting him.

"Well, I assume, he is not here," Hongjoong said with a devilish smile, blood rolling down his jaw. The men, who hit him beforehand, punched him in the face again, as Hongjoong just spit blood into the floor, waiting for the next punch.

Sudden anger started to boil within me. I clenched my fists together until it left deep red crescents on my palms. They couldn't see me, I needed to think about how I could help to Hongjoong. They were probably looking for Yunho, so I couldn't just call him here, he needed to stay hidden. But whom I could call then? My phone was dead, but I knew they had a telephone hanging on the office wall. I just needed to get there, somehow. But to get to the office, I needed to get through the room they were in.

Fuck, it was the most unfortunate situation. But they weren't facing me, I only saw their backs, and that was enough, to sneak into the office. Very quietly I stepped into the room, trying to breathe slowly, not making a sound. If I get caught now, it'll be the end of us. I had to do this, for Hongjoong. When I did a few more steps, Hongjoong's eyes caught me immediately, he was the only one seeing me. I froze in my steps, and slowly reached my index finger to my mouth, signaling him to be quiet. He slowly shook his head, his eyes telling me, to stop and run as far as possible. But I did not want to. I moved again, to the door being on my right, being closer and closer. I eyed the door, for a second, averting my eyes off of them.

"What the hell?" A sudden voice made me freeze again. My heart was in my throat. I slowly turned towards them, ready to face the cruel men, but when I turned around I still saw their backs facing me, I let the air escape from the relief. Hongjoong was laughing viciously, his laugh sending chills down my spine. He did this, I guess so he could keep them busy, so they won't notice me. I stepped a few more and finally, I arrived at the office, closing it very slowly.

Okay, think, Y/N, please, think… Who I should call? Who could help us out?

I couldn't call the police, there was no point, they would arrest us as well. I started to panic when a sudden image hit my brain. It popped up like it was in front of me.

When I was at searching for some evidence in Yunho's room, I saw a note on his desk, saying: "In case of emergency" and a phone number was added next to it. Fuck, but I don't remember the numbers, fuck. We were running out of time. I needed to think quickly, as my fingers were already pushing the numbers of the telephone.

"C'mon, pick it up, pick it, please…" I bit my nails in stress.

"Hello?" A familiar voice came from the phone, giving me relief.

"Yeosang, oh my, thank God, you picked it up. Please, listen to me very carefully it's an emergency and I need your help. And please don’t ask anything, I'll tell you everything okay?" I said quickly, trying to not raise my voice.

"Fuck, Y/N, okay, how can I help you?" His voice sounded concerned.

"You need to get to my house, very quickly, please. When I tell you quickly, I say, you can't drive like a snail, you have to break the speeding limits, because it's important." I got nervous as the voices got louder. I was scared they might kill Hongjoong.

Please, keep it up Hongjoong…

"Hey, I'm not driving like a snail, I just keep the rules, bro, as you should too," Yeosang told me offended.

"Fuck, Yeosang, there's no time for this, it's fucking serious, just leave the house already. When you get into our house, you need to go to Yunho's room, hopefully, there's a phone number on his desk on a paper. You have to call it and tell that person, it's an emergency and they got Hongjoong, Yunho is nowhere to be found. And we need help in the boxing club. Please, Yeosang, I know it sounds shit, but I really need your help and to be quick." I explained this shit situation to him, hoping he won't ask questions and just do what I asked.

"Shit, Y/N, okay, I'm already on my way, I got you, please be careful!" I heard Yeosang's voice full of worry.

I heard some noise from the room, becoming closer to me. "Thank you, Yeo, I need to go, I love you." I hung it up immediately, as the door opened, revealing the man from outside, who hit Hongjoong.

"Oh, well, well, what do we get here." He looked at me like I was a snack he wanted to eat right away.

Shit, I'm doomed.

He grabbed my arm and started to pull me out of the office and into the main room. I felt a lot of predator's eyes on me, but one was full of, concern and fear that seemed like he would kill this man right there if he could, just so he could keep me safe. I never took my eyes off Hongjoong's, as the man was grabbing me harder, leaving bruises on my arms, as I tried to wiggle out from his hands.

"Look, what I found— that fucking chick, who escaped from us." His voice was full of anger, as it was hard to admit, how stupid they seemed because I'd got to escape from them.

"Let, her fucking go as long as I say it nicely." Hongjoong's voice seemed demanding, as he grinned with a death glare, his words coming out like venom.

The guy, pushed me down to the floor, smirking.

My hair fell onto my face, from the impact, I kept my arms out to keep myself up. I started to breathe quickly.

Yeosang, please, hurry.

"What? Is she your secretly kept little princess?" The man, who brought me out said, pointing at me with lifted eyebrows.

"Just keep your fucking dirty hands away from her you fucker. She has nothing to do with this." Hongjoong said, looking at the man, now in front of him, that man would be already dead if Hongjoong could murder with only his eyes.

The man leaned down to Hongjoong, being at eye-level with him. "But she has to do something with you. You care for her." He smiled confidently, and Hongjoong suddenly spat on the man's face. It was red, making the man's face bloody. I never saw Hongjoong, this mad. He was shaking in the chair, his muscles were tense, almost breaking apart the rope that tied him to the chair, the veins on his neck thick and tense from the anger.

The man closed his eyes straightened up and turned towards the rest of the guys, his face still full of spit, as he slowly wiped it into his shirt. "Gentlemen, this angel, is our gift from above." He spread his arms, imagining as if he was in a fucking show. 

I needed to keep them busy, so they won't hurt Hongjoong and give enough time for Yeosang, so they can come here, in time.

"One, against four and I still won, fuckers." I suddenly said as I felt all eyes on me.

The guy who talked all the way turned towards me. And looked at me like he was surprised that I had the guts to even say something.

"Fuck, Y/N, shut the fuck up!" Hongjoong looked at me furiously.

I didn't look towards him, I was eyeing the man who walked towards me, grabbing me by the collar and pulling me up.

"Can't you just keep your mouth shut, just as your boyfriend told you?" His face was so close to me, I felt his stinky breathing, against my face. It was disgusting. He seemed like he was in his forties. I guess he was the leader of this fucked up gang.

I guess…he was the one, who killed my father.

Anger and adrenaline went through my veins. I couldn't control myself, as I suddenly headbutted him, forcing all my power into the strike. It hurt as fuck, as I felt a bit dizzy from the big impact, everything was blurry for a moment, but it was worth it as he stumbled backward from the impact, pressing his hands to his nose, which I guess broke because I heard a cracking noise. Did I just do that? Wow.

Hongjoong looked at me surprised. "You keep surprising me, sugar." He said, looking at me with a proud smile. There was no time to smile back, as I ran next to him, trying to untie the robe, that tied him to the chair. But the men were quick and one of them immediately caught me, pushing me far away from Hongjoong, letting me go as I couldn't keep my balance and I fell into the ground, my temple hitting the corner of the ring, making it bleed and losing my visibility for a few seconds.

I was just laying on the floor, only hearing Hongjoong's voice as he shouted my name. A few blind minutes passed, and not knowing what was happening, I slowly opened my eyes, I heard movements from where Hongjoong was tied. Dim light hit my eyes, and my head was aching like hell, as I tried to sit up. I saw black figures, but they were more, they were fighting with each other. I suddenly saw a black figure running towards me.

"Hey, sugar, look at me!" I heard Hongjoong's voice wanting to obey to him, but I couldn't. He cupped my face, as I sat up.

"Look at me beautiful, please." I tried to focus on him, he was a blur for a moment, but as I watched him more, blinking a few times, my view started to get clearer, his face being so close to mine, I saw the bruises and little cuts on his face, that made me scream at the world, his eyes were full with concern, as he couldn't lose his long-searched treasure, ever.

"I'm here." I reached my hand to his hands that were on my face. I closed my eyes, as I was leaning into his touch more and more, never wanting to get away from him.

"Thank God." He slowly leaned to my temple and pecked the, now dried, bloody wound.

"Fuck, Y/N, are you okay?" I heard Yeosang's voice.

I looked up at him, and he was leaning on his knees trying to catch his breath.

I started to get emotional, I wanted to cry, as to how grateful I was to him. My eyes started to fill with tears, as I tried to stand up. Hongjoong helped me up, his hands never leaving my waist.

"Yeah, I'm okay, Yeo. Thank you so much for helping us." Tears escaped my eyes, as I hugged him.

"It's nothing, Y/N, I'm glad you are okay." I heard as his voice got weaker too.

I separated from him, looking at Hongjoong, who stepped next to me with his hands immediately on my waist.

"What happened with them?" They weren't here so I thought they were able to catch them.

"We caught one guy, but the rest escaped." Hongjoong ran his fingers through his hair, stressed.

"Fuck, where's Yunho?" I asked when I heard a familiar voice from the exit.

"What the fuck happened?" Yunho ran to us, as the room was now empty, the strange people, who helped us disappeared. Yunho saw my face and grabbed my jaw. "Fuck, why are you here? Did they hurt you?" He looked concerned, his eyes tired, seeming he hadn't been sleeping well recently.

"They attacked me, while I was practicing. Y/N got here later and called help." Hongjoong, reached his hands towards Yunho's, taking off Yunho’s hands of me.

Yunho grabbed his hair. "Fucking shit, who did you call?" He looked at me.

"The number that was on your desk. Actually, Yeosang called it, as I wasn't home. He helped us." I looked at Yeosang gratefully. He came closer to me, reaching his hand on my shoulder and squeezing it, signaling he was by my side. "Who they were?" I turned towards Yunho again.

"Good, they are some friends of Dad, they told me to call them if I get into trouble," Yunho said, sounding a bit more relieved.

"Will you tell me, what is this shit finally, Yunho?" I looked at him, feeling sick of the continuous lying.

He brushed his palms to his face. "I guess it's time. We'll come back in a few, wait for us, please." Yunho said to Hongjoong and Yeosang.

Yunho walked towards the backroom, and I followed him, looking at Hongjoong before I turned away, he nodded encouraging me that everything was going to be alright.

Yunho closed the door, behind me. His face was a little strange, as he looked around. I sat on a little bench pushed to the wall.

"Don't— Don't sit there." He said with a sudden voice. I looked at him with questioning eyes. "What the fuck?" I raised my brows at him.

"Exactly that, just sit somewhere else." He said, trying to avoid my gaze.

"Holy shit." I stood up immediately as my brain was catching on, with the little information I was given. "Oh my God, disgusting, Yunho." I looked at him gasping.

"Shut up!" He still couldn't look into my eyes; his cheeks were blushing.

"Okay, I want to know who is it." I looked at him curiously, folding my arms.

"It's uh—" He scratched his head, being nervous. "It's Mingi." He said looking at me finally.

I gasped. "Oh. My. God." I pressed my hands to my mouth, hiding my smile.

"What?" Yunho looked at me, trying to figure out what was my opinion on that.

"Finally, bro, I always saw the connection between you two, are you kidding, it was a matter of time before you two got married." I smiled at him, feeling relieved that it was Mingi, who had been his best friend for eternity, they were always inseparable and they supported each other all the time. I wasn't blind, it was obvious they were destined to each other, so I was very happy, that they could finally step that little best friend boundary over.

"Really? Was it that obvious?" He asked a smile appearing on his face, as he felt relieved.

"Kind of." I smiled at him, stepping closer to him. "I'm happy for you, Yu."

"Thank you, means a lot." He spread his arms, inviting me to a hug. I stepped closer to him, burying my head into his warm chest. It felt so good to finally hug him after a while. Recently he was so distant with me, that our connection got weaker since our father died. I felt whole again, as a puzzle got into its place again. One still missing.

"So, are you going to tell me, what's this?" I stepped out from his warm hands. 

He ran his fingers through his hair, sighing. "Yes, sit down, please. Here." He pointed at a chair. As I chuckled.

He sat in the chair opposite me. "Am, where should I start?" He started to think.

"So, you know, Dad got into a gang, not much after Mom died. He was overwhelmed, he couldn’t handle the grief, he lost his job, so he needed money. The solution was stepping into this gang, that did some illegal shit, but they made a lot of money, so I guess it was worth it. Just until Dad, got some common sense, and tried to prevent them from doing whatever they did. He stepped up against them and gathered some of his friends so they can stop those fuckers. At first, it seemed like they stopped; they were quiet for a while. And that was when they took Hongjoong and him. And you know the rest, Hongjoong told me, he already told you what happened.” He looked at me a little disappointed like he knew how much I hurt Hongjoong. “After Dad died…I was restless, I needed to find them, Hongjoong was full of rage too, so we stepped into that gang. We tried to blend in so we could bomb them from the inside, playing with their minds. But somehow, they found out who I was, maybe they overheard us, or they started to become suspicious, I don't know, but that's when they started to attack, you, Hongjoong, and…they even followed Mingi, Y/N." His voice cracked. "I was so scared, they might hurt him, still am, I don't know what would I do without him, I— I think I'd die, it hurts to think of that, I might lose him because I'm dumb and I can't fucking fight off a shit gang." He was mad at himself, for not being able to protect his loved ones.

I looked at him concerned, tears appearing in my eyes, I had never seen Yunho this vulnerable ever, it hurt, it hurt because he was like my other half, I didn't want to see him like this, ever. I stood up stepping closer to him, reaching my hands to cup his face, wiping down his tears. I would burn the whole world for him, I didn’t want to see him like this. Suddenly I understood why was he protecting me like this, like I was a bird in a cage— because…I would've done the same thing, I would've protected him at all costs.

"It's okay, he is fine, we are fine, and everything is going to be okay Yu." I tried to comfort him.

He held my hands, that cupped his face. "We need to, catch them, we need to end this once and for all." He said as he got his strength back, fire lighting up in his eyes.

"We will, those bastards need to get what they deserve," I said revenge starting to boil my blood.  

"They will, I'll make sure of that. But you need to stay here." Yunho said, ready to fight with me again.

I looked at him furiously. "You can't do this, Yunho."

"Look." He grabbed my hands and stood up. "Someone needs to be home, if they are coming again, Yeosang will be here, and Mingi as well, for a while. We don't know where they are, their base could be anywhere, we will get it out from the guy we caught. We won't let them run anymore." He explained the plan, he looked so determined, as he wouldn't rest until those bastards were out of the way.

I ran my fingers through my hair, feeling stressed. "I have a bad feeling about this, Yunho. Let's find another solution, there has to be." I looked at him concerned.

"There is no other solution, Y/N, we have to do this." He was restless. So, I had no other choice than to agree.

"Shit, okay. But please, please be careful." My voice came out weak.

"We will, I promise." He embraced me again, in his warm hands.

"Hongjoong has to go too?" I suddenly asked, my heart beating fast, suddenly on the thought.

"If he wants, I won't force him to." He looked at me, curious.

"What's between you two?" He asked frowning.

"Nothing- at least— I don't know, I haven't been able to talk to him," I said honestly, looking down at the floor, now I was the one avoiding Yunho's gaze.

"You should talk to him," Yunho said, as I quickly lifted my head. I thought he was going to be mad, hearing there's something between us.

"What? Aren't you mad?" I asked as my voice sounded surprised.

"No, of course, I am not. I'm actually glad, you got someone like Hongjoong. I saw how he looked at you like you were his everything, he was just scared to step over the boundaries because of me. I know he can be there for you and he can protect you when I'm not there. I'm sorry, that you felt you had no one in the past, I was blinded by revenge I didn't see that you were struggling as well." He admitted, his voice getting sadder.

I didn't say anything, as I was just looking down on my hands, playing with my ring.

"Go rest a bit, because I know you haven't slept in a while, then talk to him. You deserve to clear things out between the two of you." He hugged me again, strongly nearly breaking my bones.

"Okay, okay now let me go," I mumbled into his chest.

We laughed together, and finally, I felt at ease, I felt like a big rock fell off of my chest, and as we finally put the pieces together, everything was in its place, and our relationship with Yunho finally started to heal again.

We were on our way out of the club, and Hongjoong was walking next to me, as he looked at me with a thinking face.

"What?" I looked at him frowning.

"Is that my hoodie?" He asked with the sweetest smile.

"Ahm— no?" I scratched my neck, I felt nervous, little red started to appear on my cheeks.

"It is mine, I know it, I was searching for it for ages. I gave up on finding it, and you had it the whole time?" He was laughing now, he looked sincerely happy.

"Okay, okay, I stole it, but you left it on the couch and it was there for weeks. I thought you don't need it anymore." I smiled at him, I was blushing so hard, that I couldn't look into his eyes.

“You can keep it, looks good on you.” He leaned close to my ear and pecked the skin under my ear.

I chuckled as we reached my car and I turned towards him. "Meet you at home."

He looked at me so adoringly that I felt like I needed to hug him so bad. He nodded, as I opened the door to sit in. On my way home, I smiled the whole time. I couldn't wait until we could finally talk. But first I needed to sleep because I felt like I am going to collapse at any moment.

Hongjoong and Yunho were already home when I arrived there. I stepped inside and they were sitting at the kitchen counter. Yunho saw me and stood up.

"Okay, I think I'm going to check on Mingi, see you later guys." He winked at me and went upstairs.

Hongjoong looked at me, checking me out with warm eyes.

"Go sleep, sugar, it was a tough day." He said while he sipped from his coffee, not taking his eyes off of me.

"Okay." I went to the stairs but suddenly froze. I looked back at him, as he looked at me with questioning eyes. "Do you want to— sleep with me?" I asked feeling a little shy. Where was the confident me, who literally got him to kiss me?! It was just sleeping, c'mon.

He smiled at me with his teeth showing. "Do you want me to sleep with you?" He stood up and came towards me.

I nodded. He held my hand and leaned close to my face. "Okay, sugar." He gave me a warm peck on my left cheek. I felt weak in his presence, it was intimidating.

We went up to my room, still holding hands, and I finally collapsed to my bad, releasing his hands. He went to the other side of the bed, as I slipped under the warm blanket. I was laying on my left side and he was facing me on his right side as he slipped under the blanket too. I moved closer to him; he held my waist caringly pulling me closer to him. I looked at him, but my eyes couldn't focus anymore as my eyelids slowly closed.

"I'm sorry, Joong." I mumbled while I was already half asleep.

"It's okay, sugar, I’m so proud of you, you did so well today." He whispered; his voice sweet like honey. I felt his face closer to me, as he pecked my nose, then my temple, my cheek, and lastly my lips as it lured me to dreamland, I felt safe in his arms, and I never wanted to depart from him. He became my comfort zone all of a sudden.

≫Your arms hugging me around like a chain

A chain that melts into warm honey≪

-Previous Part- Next Part>

A/N: (also you can find out more about Yungi in my bestie's, @bvidzsoo, background story on AO3. I recommend it!!)

[chasedeys]

Hi I asked cementcornfield this a while ago and now want to pick your brain!! Are there any songs that make you think of Joemarr? (Church by FOB was delightful thank u for the rec ☺️)

oh!! hi!!!! churchhhh exactlyyyyy their song 😔🫶 tbh any song can be abt them if i try hard enough (read: make shit up enough). i'm gonna be real with you i have such shit music taste i literally don't go past the boundary of basic and whatever's popular so beware :")

love somebody - maroon 5 -> LSU joemarr figuring things out, horribly unsure of one another, halfway there already :)

But if I fall for you, I'll never recover If I fall for you, I'll never be the same I don't know where to start, I'm just a little lost I wanna feel like we're never gonna ever stop I don't know what to do, I'm right in front of you Asking you to stay, you should stay, stay with me tonight, yeah I really wanna love somebody I really wanna dance the night away I really wanna touch somebody I think about you every single day I know we're only halfway there But you take me all the way, you take me all the way

another - francis karel -> the damn opening already makes me think of them somehow playing together in lsu when joe could've gone anywhere else. like come on.

Hundred billion stars in the galaxy Passing like the cars on a busy street How in the world did we ever meet? It doesn't make sense to me I guess everybody's got someone And you're the one for me Yeah, you fit me like a locket I would never find the key If you ever leave There will never ever be another (woah oh) I will never ever need another hand to hold When it gets cold We've got each other

baby i'm yours - arctic monkeys -> :) devotion etc. also their wanna be yours and r u mine? for morbid pining too. the eternity makes me think of teemarr too graugrurhh.

Baby, I'm yours (Baby, I'm yours) And I'll be yours until the stars fall from the sky Yours until the rivers all run dry In other words, until I die And I'll be yours until the sun no longer shines Yours until the poets run out of rhyme In other words, until the end of time I'm gonna stay right here by your side And do my best to keep you satisfied Nothing in the world could drive me away And I'll be yours until two and two is three Yours until the mountain crumbles to the sea In other words, until eternity

video games - lana del ray -> sex song that I've used as my fic title before lmao

It's you, it's you, it's all for you Everything I do Heaven is a place on earth with you Tell me all the things you wanna do It's better than I ever even knew They say that the world was built for two Only worth living if somebody is loving you And, baby, now you do

church - fall out boy -> sex song sex song sex song had to add it here anyway sorry but also just referencing the 'he's like a god to me' boy what.

If you were church, I'd get on my knees Confess my love, I'd know where to be My sanctuary, you're holy to me If you were church, I'd get on my knees

the closer i get to you - roberta flack & donny hathaway -> i've mentioned the first time i ever saw your face but this song is so fucking them guys argh

The closer I get to you The more you make me see By giving me all you've got Your love has captured me Over and over again I try to tell myself that we Could never be more than friends And all the while inside I knew it was real The way you make me feel Lying here next to you Time just seems to fly Needing you more and more Let's give love a try

hold me tight or don't - fall out boy -> some lyrics hit some ?? but do you see this shit. 'were we ever friends' as in did they ever have hope of being casual about one another. holy shit.

I never really feel a thing I'm just kinda too froze You were the only one that even kinda came close I just pinch myself, no longer comatose I woke up no luck, I woke up no luck And when your stitch comes loose I want to sleep on every piece of fuzz And stuffing that comes out of you, you I got too high again, realized I can't not be with you Or be just your friend I love you to death but I just can't I just can't pretend we were lovers first Confidants but never friends Were we ever friends?

picture you - chappell roan -> adore herrr you know exactly what this song is about and if i ever get to writing a fic about this i would die

Draw the blinds, light every candle Slip off my pretty dress down my chest when I think of you Every night, both lips on the mirror It's ritualistic, counting lipstick stains where you should be Do you picture me like I picture you? Am I in the frame from your point of view? Do you feel the same? I'm too scared to say Half of the things I do when I picture you When I picture you

spaceship - ruth b -> space imagery aside, being comfortable with each other to let down their guards? taking care of one another? dragging each other out of their funk? yeah. also her dandelions song.

If I built a spaceship, would you go to Mars with me? Go that far with me? If I take you places that you've never been before Would you stay for more? When days are difficult And you want a miracle I'll build a spaceship for you 'Cause some days I run away I hope you run with me Fly away with me too, ooh And when we're all alone I hope you feel at home Wherever we find ourselves You can just be yourself Close your eyes And feel me here

higher - rihanna -> this song is so short but. do you get me. always been obsessed with this song bc you get high to forget someone only for you to circle back right to that someone ugh

This whiskey got me feelin' pretty So pardon if I'm impolite I just really need your ass with me I'm sorry 'bout the other night And I know I could be more creative And come up with poetic lines But I'm turnt up upstairs and I love you Is the only thing that's in my mind You take me higher, higher than I've ever been, babe Just come over, let's pour a drink, babe I hope I ain't calling you too late, too late You light my fire Let's stay up late and smoke a J I wanna go back to the old way But I'm drunk instead, with a full ashtray With a little bit too much to say

fireproof - one direction -> s tier 1d song and soooo very them

I think I'm gonna lose my mind Something deep inside me, I can't give up I'm feeling something deep inside Hotter than a jet stream burning up 'Cause nobody knows you, baby, the way I do And nobody loves you, baby, the way I do It's been so long, it's been so long, maybe we're fireproof 'Cause nobody saves me, baby, the way you do

work song - hozier -> i can't not put hozier in any of my ships that's crazy but they don't give me hozier vibes 😔 BUT their shit about each other absolutely refusing to talk shit about the other and accepting all their faults and constantly choosing the other?? work song babyyy. would also rec movement and his led zeppelin whole lotta love cover for joemarr 😮‍💨

When my time comes around Lay me gently in the cold, dark earth No grave can hold my body down I'll crawl home to her My babe would never fret none About what my hands and my body done If the Lord don't forgive me I'd still have my baby and my babe would have me When I was kissin' on my baby And she put her love down, soft and sweet In the low lamplight, I was free Heaven and hell were words to me

lovers forever - benjamin kheng -> a proposal song btw and like. refusing to leave each other.

Do you think we could be lovers forever Can't die young 'Cause I've got to live with you Do you know what a future feels like I could see me living in your arms Wake up every day and fall in love again

call it what you want - taylor swift -> 🙂‍↕️ more ts songs for joemarr: dress, lover, guilty as sin, the alchemy, false god!!! dead serious false god another joemarr sex song. chose this one because the idea of them wearing each other's chains. hello. also: the grillz??? that hasn't seen the light of day since it's conception.

My baby's fit like a daydream Walkin' with his head down, I'm the one he's walkin' to So call it what you want, yeah, call it what you want to My baby's fly like a jet stream High above the whole scene, loves me like I'm brand new (Call it what you want, call it what you want, call it) So call it what you want, yeah, call it what you want to I want to wear his initial On a chain 'round my neck, chain 'round my neck Not because he owns me But 'cause he really knows me

i knew i loved you - savage garden -> not exactly instantly because they definitely took time to get there but. listen to ts.

Maybe it's intuition But some things you just don't question Like in your eyes, I see my future in an instant And there it goes I think I found my best friend I know that it might sound More than a little crazy but I believe I knew I loved you before I met you I think I dreamed you into life I knew I loved you before I met you I have been waiting all my life There's just no rhyme or reason Only the sense of completion And in your eyes I see the missing pieces I'm searching for

love lies - khalid, normani -> the somewhat rocky start of their relationship being uncertain of one another?? then finallyyyyy giving each other a chance

Sorry if it's hard to catch my vibe, mmm I need a lover to trust, tell me you're on my side Are you down for the ride? It's not easy for someone to catch my eye But I've been waiting for you for my whole damn life For my whole lifetime Don't be afraid to tell me if you ain't with it I see you're focused, yeah, you're so independent It's hard for me to open up, I'll admit it You've got some shit to say, and I'm here to listen

finally // beautiful stranger - halsey -> i just love playing into the initial uncertainty/apprehension whatever of their relationship then trying to not be Like That before fully delving into sheer shameless devotion do you get me. and just the mouth that i would kill to kiss lyric argrhrgrhhrh.

I've never recognized a purer face You stopped me in my tracks and put me right in my place Used to think that lovin' meant a painful chase But you're right here now and I think you'll stay Oh, we're dancin' in my livin' room And up come my fists And I say, I'm only playing, but The truth is this I've never seen a mouth that I would kill to kiss Beautiful stranger, here you are in my arms and I know That beautiful strangers only come along to do me wrong And I hope Beautiful stranger, here you are in my arms And I think it's finally, finally, finally, finally, finally safe For me to fall

hrs & hrs - muni long -> i would say another sex song....

Yours, mine, ours I could do this for hours Sit and talk to you for hours I wanna give you your flowers And some champagne showers Order shrimp and lobster towers But it's me that gets devoured When I met you, I knew this was it I've never been in love like this A love like ours I pray for it on my knees Every night for some hours I could sit and talk to you for hours Sit and look at you for hours Makin' love to you for hours Layin' on your chest for hours Tellin' you jokes for hours Holdin' you close for hours And hours and hours

when you say nothing at all - ronan keating -> yeah corny as hell but. have they not said this before.

It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart Without saying a word, you can light up the dark Try as I may, I can never explain What I hear when you don't say a thing The smile on your face lets me know that you need me There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me The touch of your hand says you'll catch me wherever I fall All day long, I can hear people talking out loud (ooh) But when you hold me near (you hold me near) you drown out the crowd (out the crowd) Try as they may, they can never define What's being said between your heart and mine

[abalidoth]

whats your fav album/albums??

Like anyone else who was sentient and within earshot of a radio in 2012, I was aware of Call Me Maybe. It was inescapable, virulently catchy, an icepick of bubblegum straight to the tympaneum. As mocked as it was beloved, as society is unable to tolerate anything feminine.

I don't strongly remember my feelings about it at the time. I was probably self-aware enough at that point to not explicitly shit on it -- that was right around when I was making my first tentative steps towards not identifying as a guy. But my musical taste at the time skewed more towards They Might Be Giants and Imogen Heap so it wouldn't have been anything I sought out.

Flash forward to the summer of 2015. I'm in a bar in Ames, Iowa with a bunch of other mathematicians, there for the Graduate Research Workshop in Combinatorics. After a hard day of bootstrap percolation and RNA folding and graph discharging, we descended on this little college bar's trivia night like a swarm of LaTeX-using locusts. Combinatorists tend to be eclectic sorts, so trivia comes naturally to us, and I'm no exception; our four mathematician teams took the top four spots that night, and my team was first among those. There are a few other stories that came out of that night, but the relevant one is that I heard a little song over the speakers called I Really Like You.

Like Call Me Maybe, IRLY was uncompromisingly girly. But I was at a stage in my life where that was a balm to my aching soul. I had been slowly growing in my femininity month by agonizing month, living in the freezing wastes of Laramie, Wyoming. I wore skirts around the house, went by ze/hir pronouns online, but nobody in person knew. Every Friday afternoon my wife would paint my nails, and every Sunday evening I'd scrub the authenticity out of myself with acetone and a cotton ball. So the femininity of the song was appealing to me.

So, too, was the lyrical content. It was self-awarely about a liminal state in relationships, that hazy limerence where actual commitment isn't in the cards, but the feelings are strong, so why don't we ride them while we can? It's not that it hasn't been done before, but Carly Rae did it well. I added the song to the mp3 app on my phone and didn't think much more of it.

Cut to the summer of 2016. Brexit had just happened, I had just found out my dad was planning to vote for Trump. The sun over the Rockies was bright, but the world was feeling small and hostile. We were spending the week with my parents and some family in a mountain town in Colorado. Emma and I aren't the hiking sort, so when the rest of the folks went out in the wilderness, we decided to explore some of the little towns in the area. In one of those towns was a record store, and in that record store was a CD copy of E-MO-TION.

I recognized it as the album that had that song I liked from last summer. We listened to it in the car on the way back up to Laramie, and I liked it a lot. Now, we usually listened to music on the old iPod that was connected to our aux cable, rather than the CD drive. So that CD just kinda stayed there in the car.

November rolled around. Trump won the election. My dysphoria and my fear and my seasonal depression blended into a eutectic misery, greater than the sum of its parts, a suffocating miasma of soul-deep pain, that I had to keep off my face for the sake of my students.

I started listening to that CD in the car more and more. I memorized the track numbers, I knew exactly what stretches of songs were best for which emotions. That album became a lifeline for me. When I was driving an icy road in the dark on three hours of sleep, stressing about my lack of progress on my dissertation, and the intrusive thoughts came in that maybe, it wouldn't be so bad if the car spun out on the black ice?

I'd put on Making the Most of the Night. Carly Rae knew I was having a rough time, and here she was to hijack me, hijack me.

[dianaisnice]

A hairy problem (Yandere Werewolf X Reader)

“We have arrived at our destination. You must know that I don't come here often," the taxi driver talked to me, but he got no reply from me. A sad circumstance brought me back to my hometown. A small quiet village in the deepest forest. The village was surrounded by beautiful forests and mountains.

The driver stopped in front of my grandfather's house and kindly held the door open for me. I smiled at him gratefully, climbed out and immediately tucked a strand of hair behind my ear because a strong wind had blown through my hair and tangled my hair a bit. The taxi driver was a middle-aged man with black hair that had already started to gray. "What brings you here?" he asked me a question. Did he expect an honest answer from me?

With a sad expression I looked at the building in front of me and sighed deeply. The house wasn't very big, but it consisted of two floors and was mainly decorated in shades of brown. A small porch made the house visually cozier. There was even a rocking chair on the porch and next to it a small table and two chairs were placed neatly in front of it. The plants that were standing around here weren't in good shape. Either they were withered, or they grew out of the pots. Apparently, before his death, my grandfather had not found the strength to take care of his plants properly. He could at least have asked someone for help.

I didn't know what it looked like inside because I hadn't been to my grandfathers for several years. The last time it was during the summer holidays ten years ago.

“Unfortunately, my grandfather recently passed away. I inherited his fields and house,” I told the taxi driver, not taking my eyes off the house. The taxi driver heaved my two suitcases out of the trunk and placed them next to me. "My condolences," he announced, getting back in his car and pulling away from the driveway. I broke my sight of the house and turned to the driver. I handed him the requested amount and a tip. "I wish you a pleasant day," I wished the driver and watched him drive away.

 Then I grabbed one of the suitcases with both hands and pulled them behind me. I stopped in front of the entrance and rummaged around in my pocket looking for my house key. While I was searching, many thoughts spat around in my head. I thought a lot about my grandparents and parents. Of my beautiful childhood and my grandfather's funeral. After his death, I regretted not having come to visit him, or at least calling him regularly. For days I cried my eyes out, and as a result I neglected my work and lost my job because of an allegation.

After a while of searching, I finally found it and got it out. With a trembling finger it was not easy to get the key in the corresponding hole. Stupidly, the key fell out of my hand and landed on the floor with a loud thud. "Fucking shit," I swore out loud, stamping a foot on the wooden floor in annoyance. "It always has to happen to me," I grumbled to myself, not exactly in a good mood. Rolling my eyes, I bent down to pick up the key, but then another hand got there first and snatched my key from under my nose.

I looked up in surprise and saw warm brown eyes. He had a twinkle in his eyes that I just couldn't place. That pair of eyes belonged to a handsome man. He was at least two heads taller than me and had a muscular build. He also had brown shaggy hair, which looked like he had just gotten out of bed.

He stood up normally, as did I. "Well, new here?" he asked me curiously and handed me the key with a friendly smile. I smiled back and stared at him openly as I took the key from him. Now he looked at me with two raised eyebrows and waited for an answer from me. "Uh yeah... I sort of am," I replied and finally put the key in the keyhole.

The man has crossed his muscular arms across his broad chest and casually leaned his shoulder against the wall. His proximity made me nervous. I don't know if I should make it up as positive or negative. Nevertheless, I wanted to get rid of him as soon as possible because I finally wanted some peace and quiet after the exhausting journey. Also, I haven't really come to terms with the loss of my grandfather, so I'd like to hide inside. Hopefully I don't have to sleep on the floor because my stuff won't arrive until tomorrow. I paid the movers a little extra to get my things over here as soon as possible.

“My grandfather lived here until he died. As a small child, I loved spending my time here,” I told him, and go through the good memories in my eyes. I pushed my suitcase very close to me and looked at the stranger with a slightly tilted head. "What brings you here?" I asked and opened the door a bit, but far enough that I could push my suitcase in and the man couldn't see in. My eyes twitched briefly inside the house, but I couldn't make out anything because it was dark. The setting sun will not provide light for long, because a few weeks ago it was autumn.

The strange man put his hand on the back of his head and smiled crookedly at me. "I heard that Mr. (L/N) has died and that his granddaughter is coming... That got me curious." There was sometimes a short pause between his words. He clearly wanted to say something else, but I didn't want to ask more. After all, it's none of my business.

“Besides, before he died, I helped him a lot in the fields and I took care of the animals a lot. So if you have any questions, feel free to contact me”, he continued speaking and looked at me intensely. "Uh thanks for the offer, but I'm not sure yet if I'll keep the farm or sell it," I shared my concerns with him. I gave him a friendly smile and pushed my hair back into place because a strong gust of wind had swept over us. My hair was thrown over my face so that it draped over my face like a curtain. "Not again," I muttered, annoyed by the wind.

Once I had my hair under control again, I looked under my lashes at the stranger. My eyes widened in shock because for a second, I thought the stranger's eyes were glowing golden. I shook my head in confusion. The man stood frozen, staring at me non-stop. I was starting to get uncomfortable with his looks, which is why I shifted from one foot to the other.

"Anyway. I would like to lie down. The way was exhausting”, I told him my decision. A loud yawn followed. I opened the door and stepped inside. I hadn't completely disappeared into the house but was standing under the door frame. "I wish you a nice evening. Maybe we'll see each other again”, I said goodbye without answering. With a soft sigh, I closed the door behind me.

Then I pushed the bar in front of the door and switched on the light with the switch next to the door. I stood in front of the door for a few seconds and listened intently into the silence. Waiting to see if the stranger will leave the property or not. Luckily, I heard his heavy footsteps go away. To be sure that he was gone, I went to the window in the kitchen, which was not far from the front door, pushed the curtains aside a little and peered out. I didn't see anyone standing behind the window anymore. The stranger was gone. He had disappeared very quickly, although he had been standing behind the closed door a few seconds before. Was it rude of me to just brush him off? If that's how it felt to me, next time I'll apologize to him.

Shrugging my shoulders, I turned away from the window, grabbed my suitcase and rolled it behind me towards the stairs that lead to the first floor. The house consisted only of the ground floor and 1st floor. As I walked by, I saw that many items were no longer there because our relatives had snatched some away. Like some photos or precious objects like the piano in the corner of the living room, which my grandparents have had since my father's childhood. The rest was covered in dust, white paint was covering most of the furniture and spiders popped up here and there. Once again, I sighed deeply. Today was the day of the sigh, I realized. Surely it won't be the last time either, because later I'll have to do some cleaning. Disorder will surely await me at the top.

 Arriving at the top, I immediately entered the first room, which my father and then I used to live in. The bathroom is opposite and next to it is my grandfather's room. Today I won't be looking in grandpa's room, but rather want to focus on my room, the kitchen and the bathroom. In no case do I want to sleep in a dusty bed or eat in a dirty kitchen. Luckily, I brought a sleeping bag where I'm forced to spend my first night tonight. First thing in the morning I'll drive into town and do some errands. Shopping and breakfast are part of it.

I left my suitcase next to the door. Then I turned on the light, pulled the white sheets off the bed, closet, and shelf, and tossed them in a corner without hesitation. I don't want to get a fright in the dark and mistake the upholstered piece of furniture for a ghost. Knowing myself, I will run away in terror in the dark and bump into something. Dust swirled up and filled my nostrils. Coughing, I waved my hand in front of my nose and had to pinch my nose with my hand because I could feel a sneeze coming up.

As I let my eyes wander around the room, I noticed that very little has changed here since my last visit. The only thing that has changed here are the curtains and bed sheets. I walked over to the window and pulled the curtains open as I wanted to open the window to let some fresh air in. I found the time to air out best in the evening. As soon as I opened the window, my eyes wandered to the forest.

My heart stopped for a moment as I saw golden eyes shining. A wolf's head poked out from between the bushes. Only because of the moon could I see the creatures. Without blinking, we engaged in a staring match. Who turned away first? - Of course, I do. "What am I thinking, staring a wolf in the eye?" I whispered to myself. My grandfather taught me one thing, and that is that you should never look a wild animal in the eye, because that would make you look provoke. I will stay away from the forest for now and if necessary, I will tell the hunter around here the existence of the wolf.

While airing the room, I left the room and ran into the bathroom. I tried to turn on the light, but unfortunately it didn't work. "Too bad," I muttered, pulling my phone out of my pocket and turning on the flashlight app. I put it on the sink cabinet and opened it. I rummaged around in the closet. Looking for cleaning supplies. I found what I was looking for. Unfortunately, there was no bucket here. It must have been in the shed outside, which I won't go to in the dark and because of the wolf. That's why I had no choice but to fill the sink. I was finally able to start cleaning. First I’ll do the bathroom and then my room. Only when the two rooms are clean will I go to bed.

 Two hours later I stood in my room and wiped my sweaty forehead with the back of my hand. I turned off Spotify, which I left on the whole time I was cleaning. I like listening to music or an audio book while cleaning or cooking.

Back in my room I pulled my suitcase to the bed, put it on the floor and opened it. I fished my pajamas and sleeping bag out of it and laid both on my bed. Before I change clothes, I drew the curtains back to be on the safe side. I have no idea what strange creatures were hanging around outside. I put my favorite book out, which I have read several times. Before going to bed, I like to read in bed. I quickly swapped my everyday clothes for my pajamas and slipped into my sleeping bag.

I was suddenly shocked when I realized I forgot my other suitcase outside. Crap. shit shit! I hope my suitcase is still outside!

Groaning, I shrugged out of my sleeping bag, grabbed my phone, and pulled on socks. Certainly, I will not set foot on the dirty ground. Who knows what I might step on.

Downstairs I realized I forgot to turn off the light. I slapped my forehead with the palm of my hand and shook my head at my own stupidity. I carefully crept to the front door and pulled it open very slowly. Just a crack. I peered out, looking in all directions. I wanted to make sure there was no outside threat. The wolf could look out the front door for easy prey and then ambush me at the nearest available one. Once I felt safe, I opened the door wide enough to squeeze through.

My eyes stopped at my suitcase, which luckily was still on the porch. Luckily the stranger didn't seem to care about my suitcase because he left it where it was. Relief spread through me.

Before I slipped through the door, to be on the safe side, I put my cell phone, keys and a small pocketknife in my pocket, which I saw on the dining table and grabbed as I walked past. Fortunately, I like to buy pajamas with pockets. In autumn, warm pajamas are the best choice anyway. When it comes to fight, I will fight back to the last breath.

As soon as I set foot in front of the front door, the cool air hit me immediately. Shivering, I wrapped my arms around my body and looked around again. The darkness just seemed overwhelming to me. Here and there I heard a rustling, or an owl. Fast as I could, I rushed with a few steps, a suitcase over and whether it was off the ground. I didn't find it funny. The wind or some wild animal must have knocked my suitcase over.

 Suddenly, a loud growl sounds not far from me. The growl went through my marrow and leg. I remained frozen in my position and stared down at my suitcase. Immediately, my pulse quickened, and my heart pounded against my chest. I didn't dare lift my eyes for a second. After a few seconds I heard pounding footsteps coming towards me. Fear spread through me. Without wanting to, my body started shaking. I could hear my blood pounding behind my ears. My numbness didn't lessen but grew stronger as the animal approached. I didn't move my body an inch. I am far too afraid of an attack by the beast.

From the corner of my eye, I saw paws come to a stop in front of me. It stopped very close in front of me, the animal's warm breath hitting my head. Luckily my face was turned to the ground because I didn't want his breath in my face. I even held my breath in fear. I took a breath only after making sure I wouldn't startle it with a sudden movement and I would become its victim.

The animal growled again. This time I could practically feel it on my own body, as my body vibrated at its growl. Very slowly and silently, I lifted my head. If I'm going to die, I want to at least know what kind of animal it is. There was no way I wanted to leave the earth ignorant. My eyes got big as tennis balls. In front of me was the wolf from the forest earlier. Now that he was standing in front of me, I saw his full glory. The sight of him sent a shiver down my spine and my hair all over my body stood up. The wolf was as big as me! A wolf his size shouldn't exist! If he wanted to, he could kill me with one aimed bite or rip all my limbs off my body.

His head was getting closer and closer to mine, so I narrowed my eyes in fear and had to bite my lip to keep from sobbing. My hands got sweaty under the handle of the suitcase. I had to keep my hand around the handle so hard otherwise it would slip and hit the floor. This would then mean that the animal could see me as a danger and eliminate it. The animal's wet nose nudged my cheek lightly and let it slowly and painfully travel down my throat. He left a wet trail and only made my goosebumps even more noticeable. The cool night wind made contact with the wet skin.

The wolf stopped right at the hollow between my neck and shoulder. Surely, he could feel my pulse under his nose and smelling my fear. He sniffed it noisily. As if it couldn't get any worse, my throat was bombarded with the wolf's tongue. Tears rolled down my cheek and landed on the wolf's snout. My lips trembled under my teeth with the effort. I don’t want die. The wolf must have noticed, because he let go of me. He took a step away from me and looked me deep into my own (E/C) eyes with his golden eyes. Now I couldn't hold back my sobs and I started crying.

Once again, he approached me and licked my tear-stained cheek. I could even hear a faint whine. My eyes closed by themselves. "I-I don't want t-to die," I sobbed, looping through my head the whole time. I would have even found the leak action cute if it weren't for an oversized wolf. If I should get out of this situation alive, I will inform the responsible authorities about it. The hunters and the police should urgently do something about the animal. If not stopped, it will kill many people and animals.

As if sensing my fear of death, the animal took several steps away from me and the house and disappeared into the forest. It becomes one with the darkness.

I stayed like that for a few minutes, until I was sure that the wolf would not come back, I disappeared into the house with my suitcase. Inside, I locked all entrances and pulled the curtains so tight that the moon couldn't shine an inch. I then tiptoed to my room. This time I didn't use a light source to advance but used my hands to feel my surroundings. Rather, I only used one hand, with the other hand I pulled my suitcase behind me. Because of this, it took me a while to crawl into my sleeping bag.

 The rest of the night was pure hell. First I couldn't fall asleep and then I had terrible nightmares. In my dream, the wolf tore me into a thousand pieces or chased me through the dark forest until it caught me and brutally killed me. After that I had had enough of the sheep and preferred to lie awake in the sleeping bag.

My back was against the bedpost and I held the pocket knife very close to me. My cell phone had given up the ghost and I didn't want to get the charger because I was too afraid to make a noise because the wolf had returned and was now lurking in front of my house. I didn't know whether it was on my tail or another victim caught his eyes. Even behind the drawn curtains I could see the outline of the animal. Unfortunately, I was stupid enough not to close the curtains before bed. Now the wolf could pick up my every little noise. Because with every noise I made, whether I chose a different position or just pushed a strand behind my ear. It was quiet outside at first, until a loud howl broke the silence. As if the wolf was calling me.

 The next morning came very slowly, making the hours seem like an eternity. It's so hard for me to keep my eyes open. Even after the wolf disappeared a few hours ago, I didn't dare to close my eyes. The rising sun and the sounds of birds chirping didn't help me get tired. The fear that he could find a way into my room and tear my throat open with his sharp teeth was far too great.

Yawning, I rubbed my eyes with the back of my hand and put the pocket knife, which I didn't put down for a second, to the side on the bed. After a nightcap, I peeled myself out of my sleeping bag, gathered some fresh laundry and lazily disappeared into the bathroom. Slower than usual, I needed time for my morning routine, which included a quick visit to the toilet. Actually, the first thing I do when I get up is to go to the toilet. Then I got into the shower for a moment, put on fresh clothes, which consisted of a white sweater that reached over my buttocks. I pulled on black leggings and matching white socks. Then I started brushing my teeth. In my routine, my stomach was constantly growling. Even as I entered my room and packed my bag for the upcoming shopping and plugged my phone into the charging cable, the growling of my stomach was a constant companion in the silence. I packed a pepper spray in my purse. To be on the safe side, of course.

Then I sat down at the dining table in the kitchen. With a sigh, I took my cell phone out of my pocket and dialed the number of a taxi company. I had to get to town somehow. When that was done, I threw on my thick jacket and put on my wool hat with a white bobble. Then I put my phone in my pocket and left the house. After leaving the house, I locked the door and turned around. I almost fell backwards from the shock because a carcass was lying on my porch. One can only guess what kind of animal it could be. At the sight, I slowly became aware of the stench of the animal, which was littered with flies and other vermin. I gagged and slapped my hand over my mouth and nose. The stench was unbearable!

I ran the house behind me as fast as I could. Once I put as much distance as possible between myself and the house, I lowered my hand. I took deep breaths through my mouth, held them in for a few seconds and then let them out through my nose. Unfortunately, the smell in my nose didn't go away quickly. Not even when I got into the taxi and he drove me towards the village. The driver didn't lose a note, which is why I was grateful to him. I didn't feel like talking. In the car, I pulled out my phone and checked my messages. Some of them were from my friends or my parents. Tonight I will call them and discuss the next steps with them. My parents don't think much of country life and want to sell the house and the land. But the decision was not up to them, it was entirely up to me. After all, my grandfather inherited everything to ME. Either I stay here and take over the farm, or I go back to my old life in the city. Then I would have to start all over again from start.

 It took us half an hour to get to our destination. Luckily he stopped right in front of a small cafe. Before leaving the car, I handed the taxi driver some bills and wished him a nice day. Unfortunately, the taxi driver wasn't kind enough to wish me the same. He drove off without saying another word, leaving me standing in the dust that was thrown up. Having a bad day is normal, but at least you should be able to control yourself with customers. At least a little bit.

I turned around and entered the café. The shimmer of a bell above the door welcomed me. Inside I was greeted by warmth and the smell of freshly brewed coffee was in the air. As soon as I walked in, I could see the good vibes among the people. Some of them stopped their conversations and watched me curiously as I walked closer to the counter, which was filled with all kinds of pastries, cakes and sandwiches. At the attention, I lowered my gaze with red cheeks and got in line. Even then, I could feel the eyes of others on me. None of those present dared to speak to me.

After a while, curiosity died down and some of the people went back to their own conversations. While waiting for the line in front of me to get smaller, I took the moment to take a closer look at the café. I tried to hide the prying eyes as much as possible, which wasn't exactly easy. In a big city you tend to get lost in the crowd, but in a small town everyone knows everyone. And you can see and hear immediately whether someone has moved in.

The café was kept in a soft yellowish tone. Here and there are a few boards hanging on which were some potted plants. The furniture was kept in like and beige. The legs of the furniture were white and the surfaces were beige. Most tables seated up to four people. In my opinion, the seats in front of the shop window were the best seats. When eating and drinking you had a good view of the outside. You could watch the people passing by.

I looked outside spellbound. The sun hadn't quite risen, but a few people were already stumbling around on the streets. Not far from here I could see a small market, which was already well frequented. I couldn't see what they were selling there. I'll stop by later and get something when I get a chance. I have nothing against fresh fruit and vegetables. My grandfather's kitchen must have pots and pans somewhere and other things that I will need for cooking. Maybe I'll go shopping again tomorrow when I have to find out at home that not everything is there after all. Although I can hardly believe it since my grandfather was very fond of cooking. I can still clearly remember how we cooked at every evening together and spent the day playing cards by the crackling fireplace. With this warm memory, I couldn't suppress a pleasant sigh.

"What can I do for you?" I was promptly torn from my thoughts and memories. I winced, startled, and turned my head towards the source. Behind the counter stood a pretty woman who patiently looked at me with her dark blue eyes. "Um yeah, I'd like a coffee latte to go and a sandwich would be great," I placed my order with a friendly smile after glancing very briefly at the Inn side of the counter. I wanted to be sure whether I hadn't mistaken it from afar. Even if it wanted to be the case, I would have gotten something else instead... like a strawberry slice I see right now. I was just debating whether or not to include it. With a wry face, I decided against it because I didn't see paying almost four euros for a single piece.

The saleswoman got a tray and put a plate on it and got a cheese sandwich baguette out of the theses. She put it on the plate and looked over at me for a short time: "That would be seven euros together, please." I nodded and handed her the desired amount. Earlier, while the sales lady was busy serving my order on the tray, I rummaged in my pocket for my wallet. I grabbed my tray with the steaming cafe latte. My eyes roamed around the cafe searching for an empty seat and stopped at a seat that had just become vacant. It was a window seat. You didn't sit in front of the window, but next to it, so that you only had to turn your head to see out of the shop window.

I quickly strolled over and sat down on one of the chairs. Then I peeled off my jacket and took off my hat. So that I don't forget my hat later, I stuffed it into one of the sleeves of my jacket. I put my phone face down next to the tray. I took the cup and plate off the tray and put it in front of me and put the tray aside so it wouldn't disturb me while I was eating. Yawning, I took the cup and brought it to my mouth. With eyes closed, I literally sucked in the aromatic scent of the coffee. The smell of the coffee woke me up a little and eased some of the tension in my muscles. As tired as I was, I could have a black coffee just to wake myself up, but unfortunately I didn't particularly like coffee without milk. My grandfather, on the other hand, loved to drink black coffee. No matter what the time, the aroma of the coffee flowed through the house.

 "Is the seat still available?" I promptly blurted out from my memory of my grandfather, which made me smile the whole time. I didn't see it coming, being spoken to, so I couldn't help but flinch. At least I didn't utter a startled sound. But instead, a few drops from the cup landed on my shirt and on the surface of the table. At least the cup didn't slip off my hands and land on the floor and smash loudly. I would have been embarrassed if all eyes were on me again.

Cursing, I grabbed a napkin from the tray and wiped my top with it. Tempted to get rid of the big spots. Of course, this didn't work so well. The stains can be seen very quickly on white fabric.

"I am really sorry. I didn't mean to scare you,” the person immediately apologized and put his own tray on the table. He didn't even wait for an answer to his question. "It's okay. Make sure you go back out there," I grumbled, slightly pissed at the situation. Not a second did I waste my time raising my eyes and looking at the person. All I know is that it's a man and the voice sounds familiar.

I wiped the surface of the table with the dirty napkin. At least the table should be clean. I put the crumpled serviette on the tray and finally looked at my counterpart. It was the stranger from yesterday whose name I still didn't know. He smiled at me with a big grin. His white teeth gleamed in the morning light. As if it had sprung from a fashion magazine. A cup of black coffee was on the table in front of him. My gaze was focused on his cup for a moment and then I looked at him again. "Is it your hobby to scare people?" I asked, laughing at my own joke. Rather, I tried.

"Only with pretty women like you, (Y/N)", he replied with a wink. I picked up my cup again and took a long sip of my cup. I raised both my eyebrows questioningly. "How do you know my name?" I asked him about knowing my name. A chill ran down my spine because I found it creepy.

A smile still graced his lips. "Your grandfather often talked about you," he shared with me. Relief came over me immediately and I let my shoulders sag a little. I nodded in reply and took another sip from my cup. "If you already know my name, can you at least tell me yours?" It would only be fair,” I asked him for his name. I bit my lower lip while waiting for an answer. "My name is Jackson," he revealed to me after a short silence. He used the time to look at me, which made me blush and try to hide behind my cup. Under his gaze I felt like he was looking straight into my soul.

"Have you lived here long? How long have you known my grandfather?” I peppered him with more questions. Intrigued, I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.

We spent the rest of the morning talking about our lives, such as our childhood or our hobbies. I told him why I showed up at my grandfather's house. I also shared with him my plans for the day. He listened carefully to my every word. Every now and then he would ask me questions. Curiosity was clearly written on his face.

After a while our cups were empty and I finished my sandwich and cake. "If you want, I can help you with the renovation. I'm good with my hands," he offered his help without beating around the bush. Shaking my head violently, I raised my hands dismissively. "I can't ask that of you," I replied without thinking twice. I didn't plan on bothering him with my problems. Surely today was planned for him, or he had other things to do. "Oh no, I'd be happy to help you. Surely you need a car for your shopping… fortunately there is a car owner in front of you who kindly drives you around,” he trilled cheerfully while holding his arms outstretched. His grin always stayed on his face. The grin has changed a little bit.

A strange feeling came over me all of a sudden. Also, a shiver ran down my spine because I couldn't place his grin. I couldn't say at the time whether it was a good or bad feeling. However, that should change quickly as the day progresses.

 We spent the rest of the morning and afternoon shopping. For the renovation I got paint for the walls. I didn't want to paste new paint on the walls, I just wanted to reapply. For that we had to go to the next bigger city, which is about twenty minutes away from here. Jackson owned a black pickup truck that he lovingly cared for and cherished. I couldn't find a single flaw on the car.

At the hardware store, I picked out paint, a tub of paint, and several rollers of paint and put it in my shopping cart, which Jackson kindly pushed in front of him. When I stopped and asked an employee where I could get wood paint, the sight of Jackson scared him. You really didn't want to be long with Jackson's gaze. You'd think he was planning the next murder. I even thought I heard him growl for a moment. Surprised, I spoke to him about the noise, but he replied with a logical explanation. Namely, he showed in a corridor with a woman and her dog, who watched everyone passing by. For some reason the dog whimpered as soon as we passed and hid behind his owner when we saw him.

 After our shopping trip he drove me to my grandfather's house and helped me unload everything. "Thanks a lot for your help. If you want, you can leave the rest to me. Surely you have plans for this afternoon and evening. I don't want to keep you from it any longer”, I thanked him. Although he had already offered his help, I didn't want to take up his time anymore.

Over my shoulder I saw that the dead animal was still lying on the porch. It was still rotting away. As I approached the carcass, I saw some rats scurrying away. Later I will call the police or a hunter who will take the animal away from here and I will tell them about the wolf. I haven't told Jackson about the wolf yet, and I don't intend to. Who knows what he'll think of me then. Don't know if he would believe me or not.

He picked up several buckets at once and followed me close to the front door. Jackson followed me everywhere. I even imagined I could feel his breath on my neck. "Bullshit. Of course, I will help you with the renovation. Nobody is expecting me at home anyway”, I heard him say behind me. I looked at him over my shoulder and pointed to the dead animal in front of us. The animal's smell slapped me in the face. I pinched my nose in disgust. "I'm sorry about the dead animal on the doorstep. I haven't gotten around to reporting it to the police or the hunter," I informed him, embarrassed, that he had to put up with this sight. "Maybe I should get this over with now," I muttered to myself. I was about to pull my phone out of my pocket when a hand on my shoulder stopped me.

"Leave that to me. I'll just take the boar to the forest. The animals in it will be happy about the animal. Especially the wolves around,” he told me after setting the buckets on the ground. I looked at him wide-eyed in surprise at his suggestion. "Are you sure?" I wanted to make sure. I didn't want to force anything on him. As I opened the front door, I looked over my shoulder at him. Even the slightest emotion should catch my eye from the look on his face. So far I haven't seen anything unusual about him.

He effortlessly tossed the animal over his broad shoulder. No efforts could look at him. Not even a bead of sweat adorned his forehead. If I were him, I'd be out of breath and my face bright red. It could certainly have been compared to an overripe tomato.

"Of course I'm sure. Otherwise I wouldn't have offered you my help”, he pulled me out of my thoughts. I opened the door wide open so I could carry our purchases in right away. On the way home we stopped at a grocery store. As a thank you, I wanted to cook Jackson something good to eat. "You know, sometimes I go hunting. I'm sure you know what happens to the animal afterwards. So I don't mind the smell,” he shared one of his passions with me. At first I just looked at him silently and then I burst out laughing. "Ahh, and I thought you were just a hermit," I giggled, stepping into the house. "Believe it or not, I hear that a lot," I heard him talking behind me.

I put the bag with the purchases on the table and then took off my shoes and jacket. Back in the kitchen, I looked out the window at Jackson. Just as he disappeared into the forest with the animal. I stared at the forest with my mouth open. How was Jackson able to move so quickly with the extra weight? The forest is about fifty meters from the house.

I don't know how long I stared at the forest, lost in thought, but anyway I decided to cook. I would like to have delicious lasagna again. With that in mind, I nodded to myself and rolled up my sleeves.

 An hour and a half later, I was drying the dishes when my cell phone buzzed and stopped me. Curious about who might be calling me at this time, I hung the tea towel over the back of a chair and then saw that my mother was calling me. I took my mother's call. "Hello mum. What is there? Are you okay?” I greeted my mother gently, but I couldn't suppress a worried undertone. I could hear my father talking in the background. My mother and father would have accompanied me and decided with me on how to proceed.

"Hello Darling. Me and your father are fine. We just got a call from your former boss. The misunderstanding has been cleared up and you can resume your old work. We received a good offer for the property and for the house. A young family is very keen to buy it,” they told me as I tucked the phone between my shoulder and chin. “Of course, the final decision is yours. After all, your grandfather left it to you,” she added after a short pause. I listened carefully to each word. A battle was going on in my head. Conflict had spread every second. A quick look in the oven told me it was still some time before the food was ready. "I told you from the start that I didn't steal from the company. I-I want so badly to go back, but I don't want to lose the memory of grandfather. I don't have anything else from him," he said in tears. Sniffling, I wiped my nose with the back of my hand.

"(Y/N), I can really understand you. It's not easy for me to lose my father, but he would have wanted us to live on and not die of grief. He has always wanted one thing for you, and that is for you to be happy and prosperous. Even though he is dead, he still lives on in our memories. He will always be in our hearts”, she tried to comfort me with these words, which also worked. A few breaths later I shared my decision with her: “I want to go back to you. I miss my work and my friends. The house and the country can surely make another family very happy. Please let the family know that they can sign a contract. I'll fix the house and travel back in a few days.” I wiped the tears from my face one more time. I'm sure it's going to be hard for me to let go of the house and the memory in here, but like my mother said, I have to look ahead.

"I will do it. Ahh (Y/N), your father and I will come to you tomorrow and help you with the renovation”, she informed me of her decision. At this news, I couldn't help but crack the smile. At least some good news for today. "That is nice. I'll prepare a room for you and cook something," I said, kneeling down to examine the lasagna. It was time to get it out and serve and eat. "Thanks very much. Your father and I love you. So see you tomorrow”, she said goodbye and was about to hang up. "I love you too. I'm looking forward to seeing you again tomorrow”, I replied and hung up. I sighed and put my phone down on the counter and ran my thumb and forefinger over the bridge of my nose.

 "You want to leave me?!" I heard a voice speak from very close behind me. I winced at Jackson's sudden appearance. I turned and unconsciously took a step back because he was standing very close to me. I bumped against the handle of a drawer with my lower back. I didn't expect him to come so close to me. To be honest, I didn't think it was nice that my personal distance was ignored. After all, I didn't know him enough to let him get close to me. "Don't sneak up on me like that," I hissed between my teeth in pain. The pain swept through my entire body. From the toes to the roots of the hair.

Jackson ran up to me so fast and grabbed my arm not exactly gently. His grip was strong and it hurt me. I tried to free myself from the iron grip, in vain. I tried to pull harder, but my arm wouldn't budge an inch. "Let me go. You're hurting me!” I defend myself desperately. Sheer fear overcame me. As inconspicuously as possible, I groped for my mobile phone, which fortunately I hadn't put far away from me beforehand. My fingertips touched the phone, but I wasn't fast enough as Jackson grabbed it and smashed it with his bare hand. Then he threw it to the ground and, to top it off, stepped on it with his foot.

"What are you doing?" I yelled at him. My patience was finally broken. I just got my cell phone a few months ago. As a small reward for climbing the career ladder of my job, which I had been fired from without notice three days earlier due to false suspicion. Allegedly I have resold company secrets to a competitor. Never in my life would I have mentioned this thought, or even put it into practice. I like my job too much for that and enjoy spending time with my colleagues and customers.

"You want to leave me here alone again, since I just found you!" he practically roared in my face, which was twisted with anger. The sight of him made my heart stop for a second. Golden eyes sparkled at me and long fangs bared in front of me. what was he "I won't let you go again!" he growled, pushing me against his hard body.

"Please let me go. I'm scared," I whimpered in fear and tugged at my arm so hard I feared my arm would tear off. Again I let my free hand wander for a suitable weapon. I didn't care what I got between my hands. The main thing was that I was able to defend myself and free myself from Jackson. Thank heavens my hand was gripping the handle of a pan, which I hit him in the head as hard as I could on the spot. It was so strong it reverberated throughout the house and a clearly visible dent has formed on the pan. Jackson let go. Not from pain, but more from surprise. Without further hesitation, I grabbed my legs and ran to the door and yanked it open. Although the cold immediately crept into every pore and made me shiver, I wanted to get out of here as soon as possible. I didn't even have time to put on my jacket and shoes.

 I panted in the darkness for a way. With every tenth step I dared to look over my shoulder. Occasionally I would get caught on branches or trip over exposed roots. My knees and hands were covered in abrasions, I was cold and my legs felt like jelly. My lungs won't last long. Since my escape, tears have been running down my cheeks non-stop. I didn't dare to sob. I was too afraid to make a telltale noise that would reveal my whereabouts to Jackson.

The cracking of branches under heavy weight made me stop abruptly. My pulse shot up. I crouched behind the nearest tree and listened to the darkness of the forest. Not wanting to make a telltale sound, I put both hands over my mouth. "(Y/N), I can smell your fear. I can hear your heart from miles away,” Jackson sang not too far from where I was hiding. A growl was heard afterwards. "Why do you want to leave me? Do you really want to leave your mate behind?” Jackson's voice followed closer to my hiding spot. He wasn't far away. At any time, he could discover me and otherwise I know everything to do with me. For a second there was silence.

The next moment, clawed hands grabbed my bare feet and dragged me across the floor. "I got you," Jackson barked with laughter. I fought like crazy and screamed my lungs out. His eyes glowed in the dark. "Please let me go. i just want to go home. To my family,” I shrieked, clutching a root. Kicking him did nothing. His inhuman strength was far too much for my weakened body. But I quickly pulled away because Jackson dug his claws into my feet. Warm blood flowed down my feet into my pant legs.

He released me, pressing me down painfully and half laying on my body. I lay frozen on the cold floor with fear, waiting for the next cruelty from him. His face came dangerously close to mine. He pressed his nose against my cold throat and sniffed it audibly. He moaned in satisfaction as his tongue ran down my throat.

“Your family is me and our future puppies. It's best if we start  making our little family right away," he growled in my ear and let his hand wander under my sweater. With that, my fate was sealed.

 -------------

Hello, it’s my first time here. Here can you see a Oneshot. Maybe I will write more stories likes this.

[inkwell-passion]

Farther Than Life

The screams of welding torches and hissing of pipes fill my ears while I work on the Al-Space Drive for the P.I. Odyssey's Maiden Voyage. As I'm lost in my head, the doors of the engineering bay hiss open, like a cat not wanting you to come any closer, causing me to startle and attempt to sit up, resulting me in hitting my head.

The Vapid Captain with the blurry nametag of 'Seymour'... I think, presses his hands to his hips and cocks an eyebrow. "Hey, Engi' What's the status on the Drive?"

I roll out from underneath the drive, looking at him and squinting, trying to read his tag to remember his name. "It could have been done already, if you hired me a week or two earlier. What are you thinking cutting corners like this, Sir." I grumble before sliding my phone out from my front pockets, looking the black reflection of the screen as a makeshift mirror, massaging the salt and pepper beard that was trimmed to regulation standards, and slicking his hair back into the manbun.

"The Jump is in 45 minutes have it ready by then. We're on a tight schedule." I squint closer at the nametag, oh it says 'Seldom'. Man I need better glasses.

"Sir Yes Sir." I drone like a private that is just a little less eager than he should be.

"No delays." The Captain reminds me, and I roll my eyes and give him a thumbs up.

"We wasted a good minute or two of your 'tight schedule' in order for you to tell me shit I already know, Sir So if you don't have anything else to say, Let me get back to work." I kneel back down and slide into the drive. God that guy is an asshole.

If they had hired me just a few weeks earlier, They would not be paying my Hazard Rates, and I would have been in and out of here in about two weeks time, but no. They just wanted to wait until the last second, what were these Pangea Cucks even thinking? Or was it the Gaia Thundercunts that did it instead...I can't remember.

I reach around to find my monkey wrench, grabbing it and loosening the bolt keeping the calibration panel covered, and input the master code to start running a basic diagnostics. As it runs the lengthy diagnostic process, I slide back from underneath it and walk over to the mirror, fixing my Engineer coveralls and readjusting my cracked glasses.

In the mirror I can just faintly read my own nametag 'Hermon Ordon, Senior Engineer'. God my coveralls are dirty, and probably irradiated....among other things. I also notice how the beige of the coveralls contrasts harshly with my pale-ass complexion, whoever decided I needed to compete with milk for how white I am should be put in front of a Grand Jury.

While I am sat in front of the full body mirror, lost in my own critique of myself, I fail to notice the announcement for the Al-Space Jump. The thing that snaps me out of my self-hate fueled fugue state was the expensive sound of an Al-Space drive having a catastrophic meltdown, before suddenly, it all goes wrong. The last thing going through my head is worrying about how much the repairs are going to cost me, before the world turns to onyx.

Black, then White.

Blue, then Orange.

Red, then Green.

Purple, then Yellow.

Before I can even register what I'm seeing, it all mixes together to reveal the oil-painted dunes and mountains in front of me, my head aches and my vision is bleary. I feel around for my glasses, grabbing them once I find them and finally I start to clean them. Once my glasses are clean, I put them on, they feel much better than before...before what?

I can't seem to remember what happened before I opened my eyes in this strange land...or is this land familiar? It ebbs and flows in a way that confuses my senses. Its colors invade my eyes even when I close them, it fills my ears with noises that feel close to natural, but something is off.

In the time that I had been focusing on the scenery itself, it has shifted from mountains and dunes to flowered plains, the flowers melting and melding into each other, evermoving as I start walking through the field, trying to find some anchor, something that holds some semblance of genuine familiarity, not this faux similarity that threatens to lull me into a false sense of security. My walking feels more like swimming, as if it is trying to convince me I'm simultaneously walking, swimming, and floating through a vacuum.

Over the horizon I spot the P.I. Odyssey, and in a mere instant I'm right in front of it. Well, half of it, due to whatever happened, it was sheared in half through pure stress overloading its tensile strength...How did I get over here? When I turn back there is nothing for me to have passed through, it's not a wall, my eyes just....stop perceiving. I turn back to the P.I. Odyssey before I can get too freaked out about the concept of my eyes not working.

The sparkling new vessel looks both brand new, and weathered through a hundred asteroid storms, almost like being sat in a state of quantum superposition despite being observed. I step through one of the cracks in the armor, and find myself impossibly in a crew hallway. I should have at least found myself in a maintenance hall first. The more I try to make sense of this place, it makes my head hurt linearly, I feel both alive and dead, faux-walking through the walls before feeling as if I'm actually walking again. A sense of familiarity washing over me as I explore, trying to find another soul on this vessel.

I can't.

I walk through the hollow halls of the warship, dodging a mixture of rusted out holes and bare metal frameworks, dancing through the past, present, and future of this warship. What happened here? I pour over my memories and I can't seem to find any evidence that I was ever even on this ship, yet I navigate it with a familiarity that helps me from getting too lost. I need to get medical resources, that and food are the most important thing in a survival situation like this.

Is this a survival situation? Where even am I...

Who am I?

I look down at my nametag, apparently I'm Hermon Ordon, and I was a Senior Engineer. That doesn't sound right, but it also doesn't sound wrong...What happened?

The ship trembles and rumbles, the shaking is familiar yet distant, close yet strange. My body moves before my mind can follow, diving to the floor and covering my head, it feels like this is both my first time and my hundredth time doing this, but no impact comes, sitting in an endless void of anticipation and waiting. Memories flood into my head but they're mixed up, as if it's just the raw data without any formatting.

My eyes shoot open, before I scramble to my feet and start sprinting towards the medical bay, slamming the door open and heading to the first aid kit, but when I open it, I find myself back outside the ship.

That doesn't make sense, I was at the medbay, what do you mean I'm outside the ship. Was I just lost in my thoughts? I could have sworn I was there.

It doesn't matter, I know where to go, I climb up into the ship and start walking the all-too-familiar path, letting my mind wander. What is this place? Where am I? Where Is Everyone else? and Why does it feel like I won't get an answer to any of this. Where was Captain Seymour or Seldom or whatever his name was, why do my glasses work better than I remember?

Before I can even start working on the labyrinthine twisted task of working through the knot of questions I have tied for myself, I bump headfirst into the first aid kit in the medbay.

Odd, that trek should have taken longer. Or no time at all considering I was already here before I was placed back outside the ship like a laggy old video game character. I open the first aid kit attached to the wall and I find nothing but the imprint of medical supplies. I mean I reach out and try to grab them and my hands just grasp open air. It looks like they are a collectable set waiting to be well...collected.

Nothing seems to make sense here, I can't understand any of this, every time I come close to understanding even a fraction of this, it shifts and breaks itself. I don't think I was ever meant to be here. Where is everyone? Why am I alone?

I don't like being alone.

I don't like being forgotten.

I'm overwhelmed with that same macabre feeling of trying to comprehend the end of comprehension, trying to imagine what it feels like not to think, not to understand, not to perceive, to be absolutely nothing. It scares me.

I shake my head and call out. "Alright funny joke everybody! You can turn off the simulation."

There's No Response.

Panic hits me like a freight train, I run through the halls of the ship, and back out, all around me I find an endless sky streaked with Aurora Borealis like colors. The flower fields having disappeared, and my footing along with it. My faux-walking returns as I swim out and out and out, looking for the edge of this simulation. It has to be a simulation. There's no way this isn't a simulation, none of this makes sense.

I'm not alone, nobody forgot me, I'm just in the ship, I'm having fun with the crewmates who I'm helping out. What was I helping them out with? I can't even recall, please let me remember, if God exists please let me remember, what was I doing, what was I doing, What was I doing.

Why Can't I Remember?

My body flails, the scenery around me shifts, alarm bells are blaring in my head, water filling my senses. Help Why can't I find the edge, these Simulations have edges. This has to be a simulation, it needs to be a simulation.

Please let this be a simulation.

Solar flares howl in my ears despite me being in a body of water.

An explosion rings in my ears and I find myself in a labyrinth. I think it's a labyrinth at least. I can't really comprehend it anything. My mind betrays me everywhere I go, I can't understand anything going on, every time I search for an anchor it gets stolen from me.

My head screams in pain as I continue to walk, following along the right wall. If this isn't a simulation then what is it, I can't remember anything with clarity, the scenery keeps shifting as if there are thousands of landscapes intersecting each other. None of my theories stick, I just can't understand this and that scares me.

By following the right wall, I find myself at the center of the Labyrinth, staring down a tree that's larger than life.

Wait that's it.

Larger Than Life

I'm dead. This is my mind trying to grapple that it's dead! I'm Farther Than Life itself!

Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no no no.

"No no no that can't be right" my hoarse and broken voice whimpers out to no one, being met with a tsunami of senseless voices.

They all melt into one voice. My own. And it tells me.

"Stop trying to make sense of it. Stop Thinking. It'll all go much easier."

And so, I stop.

[Playback End]

Dr. Arkwright sits in awe of what she just saw, looking towards Orchestra with a silent question. 'What did I just watch?'.

Orchestra has no answer that would be anything that Iris doesn't already know.

Dr. Arkwright would collapse into her chair once more.

"Play it again."

"Of Course Iris."

[givethemsmut]

THE PACK | Chapter Thirteen

Brody had music on low as he burned out down the road, “Okay, so we’re driving now. How about some closure?”

“There’s this spot we use to go to,” he trailed off, truly avoiding any real solution here.

“Brody. Start talking. Why are you being stubborn?”

“I put in all the work. I’ve been trying since puberty. You get drunk once with him and fuck?”

“I don’t know what happened. It was out of nowhere.”

“That was suppose to be me. We were gonna finish school, get a place, have the jobs we want and get married.”

“And what if I didn’t want sex once while married? You’d have sex behind my back again?”

“That’s different.”

“Not really. I knew you my whole life, that’s like marriage. There wasn’t anything you didn’t know or experience with me. To find out you had other girls? Devastating. Funny thing is if you told me straight up hey this turns me on to the point of I’m gonna have to cheat I probably would of fucked you in high school!”

“Then why were you still with me? Why did we keep fucking around if you knew about the girls?”

“Because who else was I suppose to be myself with? Who else am I gonna get drunk with? Because who else am I gonna fool around with?” I continued, “I got horny too Brody, I just wasn’t ready.”

“But I could see you naked, shower, dry hump you, put a toy between your legs, fucking finger you while we made out?” “Yes. I was comfortable with you. I trusted you.”

Brody grabbed my hand as he pulled up to a clearing and parked, “Well was it all you thought?”

“I think so. Just waiting for it to fade. Less distracting.”

“Being horny? It won’t. Not using condoms doesn’t help. I think you have to be with someone awhile. You remember this spot?”

I laughed and listened to him talk, “First party of freshman year. You were the only girl staring out at the city instead of drinking and dancing.”

I didn’t speak I let him, “He treat you good?”

I turned towards the window I thought I saw lights, it was very secluded, many drug deals happened in this part of the mountain. Finally I answered, “Very. He’s super nice, gentleman, nice. He even interrupted my lecture to get me go out with him after I ignored him.”

Brody sat up looking out my window, “That’s who I’m waiting for.”

He rolled down the window and passed a $100 bill over for an exchange of a baggy with white powder. I knew he smoked and drank but hard drugs? I waited for the stranger to leave and immediately ripped the bag out of his hand.

“What are you doing?!”

“Calm down. It’s not coke, it’s something to keep me focused.

“We weren’t like that. Ever.”

“No, you weren’t like that. You were always different. Alex and I? We gave in a long time go sweetheart. She’s been having sex and drinking since she was 12. I got our first blunt from her. I’ve been taking pills since high school, how else could I take all honors, sports and still party?”

“Just take me back Brody.”

He turned facing me, getting closer, “You were the one inspiring us to be better. This whole time. I’m a little lost without that.”

“You’re the one who stormed out because I wasn’t ready for sex.”

“I’m sorry for that. I was frustrated, you were half naked and I kept thinking how I’ve been trying since we were 14. Do you know what that’s like? I was on top of you, you were fucking naked and I wanted you. Fuck even your parents asked me if I took your virginity in high school. They knew what we were doing.”

“My parents??”

“Yes. You’re Dad knew we fooled around and shit. In high school, freshman year, I remember we used his shower because it was the new house and he had this dope shower head. We kissed a few times, nothing wild before we got in. I left the door open because I knew nothing would happen. We got in, hot wet, I pushed you against the wall and started touching you. You were kissing my neck and my head was turned towards the door. Your dad was frozen. After we got out he pulled me aside and asked me if we were sexually active with each other. I got interrogated about condoms, safe sex and shit.”

“My mom?”

“In your old house. We were drinking wine, the TV was playing but we were making out. First time I fingered you. You were moaning and your mom heard. When I left she called my name and asked me to come in her room. She told me the amount of fooling around we did was going to amount to some bad decisions. She told me not to put a condom on in front of you because that’s awkward and you’d wanna help. She told me to be careful and Shit. She said you hated horse back riding classes and I would have to pop your cherry. She also told me to be careful with you. She thought we’d be forever.”

“I miss my mom.”

His hand was on my leg as I continued, “Do you feel better now? About Dylan and us not happening?”

“I still want to hurt him. You better be on birth control now.”

I bit my lips knowing I wasn’t and it probably was a dumb idea. He turned towards me and asked, “Closure?”

I wasn’t sure what he meant but he came closer to me I felt his lips against mine. I froze. The kiss was long and I felt his tongue enter my mouth as they tangled. He felt familiar, safe. He pulled away but his lips were still brushing against mine, “damn.”

I felt his hands wrap around me as he pulled me closer and his lips crashed against mine. I pushed him away gently, “That was your last kiss. Closure.” We were both breathing heavily and I tried to not be turned on but I was.

He took my back to the party and both of the boys were sitting on the curb more then drunk with more then one empty bottle next to them. Dylan jumped up too quickly as Posey put his arm around him, helping each other stay up right.

Brody went inside his own home as I told Dylan he wouldn’t be a problem anymore. We went back inside so I could catch up on drinking. Dylan was dancing and still drinking but beer now.

I told Alex we were doing shots now as I told her some of what happened. I asked her about Posey, what was happening or what she wanted. She said, “It’s just fun. No feelings. He did help with the place tho. Heavy lifting. He got rewarded.”

We both laughed so much. I asked her if she had some pot because the memories of my mom were eating at me, not the house but her knowing Brody and never knowing Dylan.

She ran inside and came back with a blunt already rolled and lite the end. I took a big puff as one of Dylan’s cast mates came over and I suddenly felt very caught. He sat down next to me, “Drinking and smoking?” I shook my head at the older gentleman and he puffed on the blunt before handing it back.

He asked me some basic questions before thanking me for having him. It was 2 AM before everyone started to leave and welcome us back home. It was just us 4 inside around the kitchen island talking, munching on pizza. Posey asked, “Dyl, how was Maze Runner? Sexy scenes?”

He laughed hard, “Nah. Hero Shit. Amazing cast! Can’t wait for my Teen Wolf fam! Season 3!!”

Posey asked Dylan, “When’s your mom’s flight in? My mom said she’ll be here around noon.”

Dylan had the most serious face ever, “What??”

Posey laughed, “Bro you’re mom is coming to town tomorrow. She knew you got back and we start filming again in two weeks. Her and my mom planned lunch. My mom is cooking lunch here. I told her it’s nicer then our place. We haven’t cleaned.”

Dylan stood up, “Bro! You couldn’t have texted me that?! I’m fucking hammered!” Posey laughed knowing he’d feel like shit tomorrow.

He turned towards, “Well hope your ready to meet my mom!”

Alex told me, “I invited your dad already. He’s a crowd pleaser.” Knowing his mom was coming made me nervous but I knew I was charming with parents.

I leaned over kissing Dylan’s neck as I whispered in his ear, “Bed time baby?” He touched my hip and told me he’d be right up, I could tell he was distracted by his mom coming. I kissed his neck a few more times before he looked at me understanding what I meant.

The stairs were right near the kitchen so I stepped out of my shorts leaving them at the bottom of the stairs. Next I left my shirt in the hallway. Leaving a trail of my clothes including my panties and bra. I left the door open listening to the boys talk while Alex cleaned.

Posey asked him, “How’s Shit? Still fucking like bunnies?”

Dylan laughed, “It’s worse bro. I’d give up food for that pussy.”

Posey asked him, “Protection? Dude. She’s gonna get knocked up.”

Dylan shook his head knowing that could very well happen, “It’s just too good man. I don’t wanna stop for a fucking piece of rubber. I pull out most of the time.”

Tyler told him, “Fucking last month Alex had to take Plan B. I fucked up bro. Scary ass shit. Alex does this shit while I’m putting one on she’ll fucking tease me man.”

Dylan went silent, “Damn bro. You good now?” Tyler laughed and Dylan asked him, “You staying over?”

He stood up again, “You know it baby boy! Don’t forget her dad is gonna be her. Wear some clothes to bed.” They hugged each other and said I love you before Dylan came up stairs. He was more sober now and distracted. I had fallen asleep almost immediately when Dylan crawled into bed pulling me against him as we slept.

I woke up to a snoring Dylan who wasn’t completely naked like I was. I carefully got out of bed tying my see through robe around my body and starting the shower. Alex knocked softly before coming in, Dylan’s blanket was at his hips and his underwear lower.

She stood frozen before saying, “Damn! He ain’t some skinny geeky kid.” I laughed asking her what’s up and she asked for a razor because she didn’t have any. I started the shower, I need to not smell like alcohol or weed before we had parents over.

I turned to Alex, “Invite your mom.” Alex laughed, “She doesn’t care where I live or how for that matter. Your dad is my dad by default today.”

We both laughed. She left the door open because we weren’t the type to close doors even when we peed. I took a long hot shower, using hair masks and face masks.

My dad was the first to arrive and found Dylan looking naked when he wasn’t. He coughed loudly which didn’t wake him up so he shouted “Dylan!”

He jumped up terrified, sitting up asking my Dad, “Oh my god. What’s wrong?”

My dad calmly asked, “Where’s my daughter Dylan?”

Dylan rubbed his face trying to wake up and calm his heart back down, “Uh she’s gotta be in the shower.”

My dad waited, “Well get up. Tell her I’m having someone set up outside and I got Posey’s mom everything she needed. No shorts or half naked anything. There’s gonna be people in and out.” He turned around as Dylan got up, “Dylan don’t take offense but shower too okay?”

Dylan laughed as he came in the bathroom, “Hey you’re dad has people setting up Shit. And Posey’s mom is gonna be here. Your dad is outside.”

I stepped out of the shower naked watching Dylan react to my naked body moving past him. I wrapped a towel right around my body and stepped outside the door letting Dylan shower. My dad immediately said, “You okay meeting his mom? You two haven’t been dating long.”

I didn’t know how to feel or what to really expect, his mom was close to his ex and I’m the wild card. “I guess so. We’ll see.”

My dad whispered, “Please remember his family is from New Jersey and aren’t like people in LA. They’re much more refined.”

I was offended, “I’m always well behaved. Excuse me?” My dad responded, “You two are always all over each other. His mom won’t respond to that well.”

Dylan came out of the bathroom with a towel hanging low on his hips and one hand shaking through his hair. “Babe are my suitcases in the car still?”

My dad excused himself while we got dressed. Dylan was quieter then ever and I couldn’t tell if it was because his mom or Brody last night. He never asked me what happened.

I walked over to him and kissed his naked back, “Are you okay?” He stopped doing what he was and stood up, “Are we gonna talk about what happened last night?”

I sat down in front of him on the bed, “We just hashed it out. He’s known me forever he just felt betrayed, like I was his.”

Dylan snorted to himself, “His? Obviously you weren’t gonna be with him! He tried for years. He try anything?”

I kissed his tummy above his unbuttoned pants, “He tried to kiss me but I pushed him away.”

Dylan’s hands ran through my hair, “I wanna kill him. Fuck that guy.” We got ready and headed downstairs to be greeted by Posey’s mom cooking so much food.

Dylan’s mom finally arrived and pulled him into a big hug. I stood in the back next to Alex. Even Posey hugged Dylan’s mom. Dylan stepped next to me and said to his mom, “Mom, this is the girl I told you about. My new girlfriend.”

I pushed out my hand and offered my name. She was warm and kind but I could tell she wanted information on what happened with Dylan and Brittany instead of seeing me first. I waited for everyone to go sit at the table as I carried the wine knowing I’d need it.

Dylan spoke to his mom about his sister, family, being in Georgia and Teen Wolf starting again. That’s when my dad jumped in to praise his work ethic to his mom. His mom had a lot of questions besides Brit too. “This is a new house? This wasn’t the last one I saw you and Tyler in.”

Dylan touched my leg under the table trying to anchor me to the situation instead of being invisible, “This is my girl’s house. We had a welcome home party last night and decided to do this here instead because it was over really late.”

She suddenly turned to me, “Do you work on the show too? So young to own a home.”

I sipped my mimosa before answering, “No, I’m a full time student with honors. This was a property we owned but stopped living here after my mother died of cancer here.”

My dad looked at me like I could have left that part out instead of sounding morbid. She asked me simple things like my age, where I grew up and things along those lines.

Tyler excused himself to help his mom with dessert while Alex cleared the plates. It was only my dad, Dylan, his mom and I. They did it on purpose.

Now she was blunt, “I’m sorry to ask but I don’t know what happened with Britney. I didn’t expect to meet someone new in Dylan’s life.”

I was growing inpatient with her grilling me so I simply said, “Short version? She was cheating behind his back.” Dylan stepped in, “I met her on set while she visiting her dad before I found out Brit was cheating. It was like a movie, something clicked before anything even happened.”

His mom inquired, “How Long have you been dating? How far has the relationship gone?”

I looked at Dylan to answer, “Mom! Come on. I’m 22 now. It’s gone where you think it’s gone.”

She continued to grill us in my own house, “Were you both tested before you became active?”

“She was a virgin when we met.”

His mom asked to speak to him alone so my dad and I excused ourselves while they walked towards the pool area. My dad leaned in telling me, “I told you. She’s very small town, very structured and use to the image Brit gave off. Brit had less depth, desire, strength or she put on an act. Right now she’s telling him to be careful who he gets involved with because you have the gift of a trust fund. And she’s going to question how someone stays a 22 year old virgin in LA with a semi famous dad.”

I rolled my eyes, parents were awful except mine. Even Alex’s mom was an alcoholic after getting fired from a day time soap. She didn’t even notice Alex anymore. Brody’s parents were too busy rubbing elbows with the right people to remember they had a son instead of some trophy. And the worst? My dad use to be invisible until my mom died and I was his problem.

[thebreakfastgenie]

Get To Know

2, 3, 5, 9, 10, 14, 16, 20, 38, 45, 53, 56, 64, 66, 74, 76, 78, 80, 95, 96, 97

It’s a lot, I know. 🙈

2. Do you enjoy thrilling rides like rollercoasters?

Rollercoasters yes. When I was a teenager I wanted to like rollercoasters but I was scared of them so I basically did exposure therapy (made myself go on them anyway) and it worked! It also kinda helped with my overall anxiety lol. I prefer the old school wooden rollercoasters, honestly. I like tall hills and tight banked curves, I don't really care for extremely steep hills (I don't avoid them either but they're not a draw) and I could take or leave going upside down (again, don't avoid it).

I'm very cautious with swings and anything that involves spinning because sometimes that gives me vertigo. Not into that. And I hate free fall rides. You will never catch me on one of those again. Makes me feel terror in a not fun way.

3. Who was your childhood hero?

Hillary Clinton or Jane Goodall

5. What do you find most attractive about your crush?

Who says I have one?

There was this PhD student I had a crush on last year. I loved her accent.

9. What CD did you play to death as a kid?

The first CD I had that was mine was Tom Chapin Around the World and Back Again. Also a lot of CDs my parents had, mostly Fred Small I Will Stand Fast and The Heart of the Appaloosa.

10. Hike to a mountain top to watch the sunrise or drive out of town to stargaze?

Hike to a mountain top but not for the sunrise are you fucking kidding me. Drive out of town to stargaze sounds nice too but stargazing gets kinda boring after a while lol. I like paddling out to the middle of the pond to stargaze from a canoe.

14. Breakfast for dinner or pizza for breakfast?

Oh shit I love both... breakfast for dinner usually but pizza for breakfast hits under the right circumstances... it's best when it's leftover pizza from a fun night. I prefer it microwaved over cold though.

16. What’s your favorite feature of yours?

Physically? idk my eyes maybe?

20. Would you rather wake up with your makeup magically done or your hair?

Hair because I don't wear makeup and don't need that. Hair would be handy.

38. What’s your favorite flower?

Daffodil!

45. Are you a romantic?

I can be. In terms of like Valentinesy romance I run kind of hot and cold and I can't even predict it, but my worldview is fairy romantic I think.

53. Bouquet of flowers or box of chocolates?

Both are great but you can only eat one. Obviously chocolates. I would love to be given a box of chocolates. I actually was once by creepy guy in high school but the chocolates were mediocre. Gotta give good chocolates. He brought them from London and they weren't even good.

56. Favorite dessert?

How can you ask me to choose? Pavé and I just realized I will never taste this one specific pavé again 😭

64. What’s an album that you think has no skips on it?

Honestly so many but let's be basic and say Billy Joel The Stranger. Also Meat Loaf Bat Out of Hell.

66. Would you make the first move to ask someone out?

In theory yes absolutely #feminism also I'm a lesbian anyway. In practice that's too scary.

74. Do you tend to enjoy being babied or do you prefer to be the one taking care of someone else?

I HATE BEING BABIED. Don't try to take care of me. I prefer to be the one taking care of someone else but I wouldn't even say I'm compulsive about that. I like cooking for people and stuff but like can't we both be independent? We are adults.

76. What’s your favorite feature about your best friend?

She's so funny. I mean, everything, but if I had to pick.

78. Back scratches or having your hair played with?

What am I, a cat? Back scratches, they feel good when you don't even realize they will.

80. What’s your favorite picture of yourself?

This picture of me and Christi :)

95. Worst tinder or date experience?

I tried using apps once and I went out with a woman who just got way too into me way too fast and it was uncomfortable and unfortunate,

96. What’s the first thing you think of when you wake up most mornings?

"Where's my phone" because I fall asleep with it and lose it lol. And then I check it first thing.

97. Are you more of a planner or a spontaneous adventurer?

A little of both, slightly more planner, but I want to be a spontaneous adventurer and I'm working on it!

[teethw0lf]

I had the horrific idea to get high and write about Mista and Narancia getting high using a concept I had already joked about with a friend and this is how it turned out. I wrote it in notes app so I’ll just copy and paste it 💀.

Pizza Heroes

Five edibles. Five. One two three four five. That was the bet. If Mista and Narancia could not finish watching “Low Quality Family Guy Memes” without even so much as cracking a tiny baby smile. The tiniest of all smiles ever in the whole world. They’d have to wake up in the morning and take 5 edibles or more. They’d never done more. But they did today. Fuck them. They were underestimating their power. They were gonna prove them wrong so good. Holy fuck LMAO.

So it was five. That was the requirement. But no. What they took was 10.

Narancias muscles had just started to go on strike just as the both of them got epic fnaf ninja mr. beast jumpscared by Mistas phone. It was loud as all hell and it almost had a rude ass tone to its voice, like it was going “HEY YOU PIECE OF ASS POTHEADS PICK UP NOW.” so naturally mista picked it up, while Narancia stared on in bewilderment only properly described by a cursed emoji reaction image from the depths of Gen Z Pinterest.

“Oh hell- nah. Oh sorry haha. No I was talking to somebody else. Um I’m sick. Cmon- dude ok alright uh. Ok.”

Mista hung up.

He faced Narancia with a look of horror.

They faced eachother with a look of horror.

Only properly described by two cursed emoji reaction images from the depths of Gen Z Pinterest.

Oh god oh fuck.

“Narancia we gotta go to work dude.”

They weren’t even all the way high yet but the thoughts in their brains were already falling out of their nostrils and also ear holes as soon as they formulated, leaving no time and no ability to maintain a proper conversation with anything and anyone. Including the house fly that was annoying them.

“Hey MOTHERFUCKER”

Narancia threw a gnarly punch at the fly but it landed on mistas huge tit.

“AAAAUUUGGGGHHHHHHH’!!!!!!!!!”

He threw his hands up in agony like that one cursed emoji reaction image gif thing where the emoji disintegrates away while holding its hands up and making a face of true and utter distraught.

“Sorry bro. There was a fly.”

They managed to drive to work by sheer luck and sheer luck alone. Narrowly missing a cruel and painful death several times over and somehow not really realizing it unless the other car honked then it was “WOAH FUCK!!!!!”

Dominoes

Expensive ass overrated pizza. Mista and Narancia thought their pizza was just any ass pizza and that that good and definately not $45 for like a medium pizza or something fuck them. But they worked there so whatever.

After clocking in, the two of them put on their dominoes pizza hats with the anime lines behind them and victorious and suspenseful music playing and they grasped each others hands in camaraderie and best friendship and possibly maybe a homestuck romance reference or something really fucking nerdy and cringe and gay like that and they posted up behind the counter. Alone as the fly in Narancia and Mistas house thought it was when Narancia punched it into a tit that must have been like a gigantic and majestic mountain to that tiny little fly. Death by boob mountain. That is hilarious Narancia decided and he randomly doubled over and lost his shit laughing. He could not hold it in. He could not even try to hold it in. He couldn’t. It just came out like vomit except it was laughing. What was he laughing about? Idk honestly I myself can’t remember what I just wrote so you put two and two together okay? Ok.

Narancias laughing made Mista start laughing too.

“Bro stop that you’re making me laugh”

He said with a breathless “heeheehaahaa”

Omfg he sounded just like a donkey.

Narancia was laughing like that chimpanzee at the campfire named Sugriva when asked “is it dinner time”

“Hey mista. If you had a fursona do you think it would be a donkey?” He asked, giggling.

“A donkey? Fucking why.”

Mista asked pretending to be offended because technically he was being called an ass. But ass is a butt and that’s fucking hilarious oh my gods.

The gods are probably shaking their heads at them right now as they stand there making stupid jokes and forgetting what they were supposed to do right here and now. Unbeknownst to them both they are ignoring several orders and are both standing behind the cash register and 4 people have come and and then left after seeing these weirdo loser furries talk about their fursonas.

“Mine would be a chIIIMP-“ Narancia couldn’t finish that last sentence before he started laughing again and it forced the tail end of his sentence to get all loud and yelly. Fuck chimps are so fucking funny. They are so fucking silly and they make loud screaming sounds and it’s hilarious.

“Nah!! Chimps are scary! Buff as hell. Stronger than any man.” Said Mista.

“I’m hungry” said Narancia.

“Oh wait FUCK OH SHIT.”

They both turned their heads so fast the air went through their ears and made a SHOOSH sound.

They’ve been sitting here ignoring 10 orders.

Mista and Narancia scramble into the kitchen like shaggy and scooby doo. Or more like shaggy and shaggy because they are both human men and not a dog. Mista pulls out his Bluetooth speaker and it starts playing his playlist for work. They are not actually allowed to do this but nobody is here not even a manager so fuck those bitches.

They make artful and beautiful pizzas. Narancia sways back and fourth while putting toppings on his pizza to Slow Dancing In The Dark by Joji.

The music fills him with such a floaty and blue emotion. Oh it was so pretty. And sad. Slow dancing is such a pretty name for a song. Slow dancing in the dark. That was just classically romantic and so so lovely. It was roses and dewdrops and a faun stumbling in the rain with an arrow in its back.

Damn it NO this fic is supposed to be funny, Narancia thought, the fourth wall being held in his determined and angry grasp and shaken by the throat. This will NOT become an angsty crush fic.

But then, suddenly, Mista turned around to face Narancia and he said “I want to talk to you about something I saw the other day and it’s really interesting and cool.”

Narancia nodded. Still schmoovin except the song has changed to “Fourth Of July” by Sufjan Stevens.

“No what change the song Mista this song makes my eyes water.”

“I was trying to tell you something hold on-“

“Mista my heart is SENSITIVE AND MUSHY!!!!”

“Okay okay fine”

“Alright tell me”

“Okay Narancia so there is this thing called homestuck-“

Narancia was trying to listen to Mista but he was too busy on trying to make sure the pizza didn’t look like it was made by a person who was extremely high. Oh shit. What if they could tell based off of the pepperoni symmetry.

The phone started ringing. Oh fuck. Oh shit. Wait how long have we been making these pizzas. Just two pizzas. No way….an hour? Oh fuck. No no no.

He picked up the phone.

“This is Pizza”

They hung up.

Mista was laughing at him.

“Mista we are going to get fucking fired I’m so scared bro I’m so fufkced I’m so fucked oh fuck.”

Mista was reminded of the vine with the kid slamming the oven to the beat while his dad plays the horn and they are wearing sunglasses. He thinks about imitating the horn tune and slamming the oven to the beat like the video to make Narancia laugh and stop getting scared, but he didn’t wanna break the oven. What if he was accidentally too rough. So he just went

“Doodoodoodoodoodoodooodoodoofooodoodoodoo”

“Mista what are you doing. Holy fuck we have like. A million orders.”

Narancia started shaking his hands next to his head and pacing and sobbing and crying.

Mista didn’t like seeing Narancia cry! Oh no? His friend. He had to create a distraction. Woah man his muscles were totally not having it. His brain was just a big playdough mound bumpin around in his skull. It was like he was made out of lead. His tounge and his fingers were getting numb and tingly. Yo he was SO high. Woah. Uh oh. Oh no.

Right distraction.

“Okay Narancia so like listen this might make you feel better. So theres this thing called homestuck and there are humans and trolls and they play a game. And theres different kinds of romance but I can’t remember the one that makes me feel about-“

Oh fuck he almost said ‘you’. Narancia can’t know that Mista was totally mega cringe down for him?!!!!!!!

“About this person I think is pretty cute and stuffs.”

His story was not helping Narancia. In fact he was sitting on the floor rocking back and fourth and sobbing but almost completely silent with his mouth hanging open and his eyes squeezed shut like he’s a toddler that fell down and it hurt. The door rang. Oh shit. He tried to pretend like Narancia wasn’t losing his mind behind the counter.

It was Trish.

“Why the fuck are you guys at work like this.”

“Because they wouldn’t let me call out big cheese says I’ll get a write up.”

“You guys look like you’re totally pulling this off and having absolutely no problems. Where is Narancia.”

Trish looked like an emotion Mista couldn’t comprehend. Like dorcelessness. Or maybe she was being sarcastic. Shit was he autistic?

Narancia tried to say “I’m here.” from behind the counter but he only made a sad sobbing sound.

Trish peeked from around the corner at him and he almost got ejected from his body.

“AAAUGH!!!”

he sounded just like Darwin from the amazing world of gumball.

Oh fuck his heart. It was so fast. Holy shit he can’t swallow. It’s like he can’t swallow what if he starts choking. What he he has a SEIZURE!! oh-

“Mista I think Narancia needs to go home.”

Trish poked Narancia like he was a roadkill.

“I need to go to the hospital guys. Can you overdose on weed? I think I’m dying. PleSe don’t let me die.”

“No you can’t overdose on weed, Narancia, oh my fuck- Mista. MISTA.”

Mista was thinking about troll romance.

Then Fugo walked in.

“Did you get the pizza or what it’s been fucking 35 mins- oh my fucking god why are you guys at work.”

“Fugo please tell Trish I could be having heart failure!!!!”

Narancia wailed.

Trish rolled her eyes so hard that it looked like it hurt and it probably did because she rubbed them after.

“Oh god you guys I swear I’m not crazy. Was our shit LACED!?”

Fugo scoffed “no you fucking idiot you took ten fucking edibles that’s what’s going on here.”

“Fugooooo” Narancia wailed.

Trish and Fugo looked at Mista who was staring off into space still standing behind the counter and thinking about troll romance. He couldn’t wait to tell his friends all about this new cool and very much brand new thing called homestuck.

Fugo leaned over to see the absolute state the kitchen was in. As expected there was a burnt pizza in the oven and a pizza that was halfway made and stil frozen halfway falling off the counter. The speaker was playing “DICKE TITTEN” by Rammstein. Ah hell yeah. This was fugos groove he loved pissed sounding German men singing industrial metal.

[rasalgethi-herculis]

It's been a week of no contact. You texted that you made it home ok, I messaged back and then deleted our text conversation. You aren't blocked, but I did delete your contact. I gave your number to one of my closest friends and asked them to keep it so I couldn't text you. Then I went to Canada and stuck my feet in the river. I thought to myself, this, is what distance means. Being a country apart. You were a world away while I was there. I wanted to stay there but I had to go back and graduate college. You know the commencement that you didn't want to go to? Yeah. That one.

This is so fucked, you know. There are so many little things I keep thinking of that I think you'd like but I can't. We agreed not to speak for a month and I'm true to my word if anything.

I just want you god damnit. I heard a wood cock's call the other day and the only thing I could think about was how excited you got while we walking walking down to the river. Even in silence your memory still speaks for itself.

I'm at the dance club during senior week and I miss you. I miss the way you make me feel seen. I felt like I was being sucked into the shadows this evening. Don't get me wrong I have friends that I go out with and they are lovely but they were busy tonight, being graduated or asleep.

We moved the couch outside. The one we had sex on. So now I guess you and I are the last ones to have used the sex couch. Marks the end of a generation. I thought it was funny, I think you would have too, or I'd like to think you would have. I'm realizing there's a lot I still don't know about you. There's only so much I can learn about a person in that amount of time.

I miss you. I had a dream about you last night. I got a text message from you that said you were on top of a mountain and happy. signed it "-E."

How can you tell someone that you love them and sing to them under the stars and then in the morning light say that you can't do this anymore? What about this is that hard? Is it being exclusive with me? Am I the one holding you back? Pushing you too hard? I'm sorry for crying the other night. It felt like it was about you at the time, but I realize that the big ball of emotions from graduating and you just happened to be the tipping point. I'm not really sure I was crying about you but I don't think I even knew that at the time. Yes, you are just a dude. I know we've established this but god, it feels so stupid to give up on something like this when we barely started.

We had our day of One Mores. I don't know how we were able to act like nothing was wrong. Even my friend said that she assumed we figured it out. You dripped candle wax on the sweatshirt of mine that you wore to the vigil, pretending to be a student a my college even though one of my friends was shooting daggers at you from across the field. We weren't planning on going, but got roped into it. I wonder if that's how you felt about our relationship overall? If I missed some kind of sign that you were into this as much as I was.

I can't help but to wonder, is there someone else? Genuinely, real or just the possibility of someone that isn't well...me. On the last night we were together, you were looking over me and said, "you're so hot." I was silent. How can you say something like that to someone knowing you are leaving them in the morning? Something changed in your face, pain? sadness? I don't know if I'll ever be sure. We stopped and you gave me a hug. I asked what was wrong and you said, "nothing, just thinking"

In the past week I have wondered constantly if you've been thinking about me as much as I've been thinking about you. I'm sitting here in the shirt that is yours. You told me to keep it when I tried to give it back with your sweatshirt. I sprayed that shit with so much of my perfume. And dried my hair with it because I know how much you loved my coconut conditioner. I know you have a good nose. I hope you sat with that smell for the whole 6 hours of your drive home. I hope you can't bring yourself to wash it. I hope that you put it on even though it doesn't really fit you anymore and I hope you cried to your mom about it. You never let me meet her. Why is it that you felt like you had to add that you weren't ashamed of me when she told you she knew about me? It is because you knew you were lying?

One day I will wake up and realize I'm not in love with you any more. Or maybe it will come when I'm cooking or running or writing. It's not I don't love you, that will not change. I'm just going one day it will be like this: I will realize that my heart is open to accept more love and will be okay if it doesn't come from you. At least, I hope so. I mean, I don't really hope so, but I think that's the part that keeps me going when I realize you probably won't come back. We went no contact. Agreed to at least a month. i said that I wouldn't reach out to you because it wouldn't be healthy for me. What about you? Will you reach out to me? You seemed so unsure of yourself. Was it that you didn't know if you would reach out to me in a while or was it that you were unsure about your decision? Either way. The ball is in your court. My way of taking the power back is stepping away. I hate it but it's all that's left for me I guess.

[thejourneytofreedom1]

Biking from Austria to Italia - between Mountains, Chaos & Perfection

It was 6:30 am when I set off from home to the train station on my bike. I had two bike bags, my sleeping bag and a sleeping mat which was tied to the bags in a in a sketchy-ass way. It felt funny riding with a helmet (I don´t know when I had worn one the last time) but also really exciting.

The morning mist was still hovering above the grass as I drove through the fields and through the woods and everything was very quiet and beautiful.

At the train station I met my best friend Linda and from there we took the train to Innsbruck. During the train ride we talked excitedly about what we were about to do. How was it gonna be? Will everything work out the way we had planned it? Are we even in shape for this?

After coffee and a second breakfast in Innsbruck to tank some last energy, we hit the road. After like 3 minutes of driving, I had to stop because my jacket got caught up in my bike chain and so did Linda because she had to adjust her bags because they weren´t sitting right. We had to laugh. “Do you think people notice we´re beginners?” Linda asked ironically.

So as we were finally ready we gave it a second shot. And this time the journey really started. And boyyy, did it start. Not 10 meters out of town and the uphill battle started. Believe me, it was an actual battle.

A few fun facts first: So, I never cycle. I have an OK bike, I guess, but I never really used it a lot except for emergency situations, like when back in the day, I had to get to that party in the middle of the night or when I wanted to meet my friends, while my parents were out, even though I´d had house arrest. I also had had a month-long sports break because I had been quite busy with Uni and then I had a cold. So yeah, basically I was in the worst shape you could be in, for shit like this. Well, dream big.

So as I said, we´d started uphill right away, no warm up, no getting used to a bit up and down, just up. Brutally and merciless up. That shit was steep as fuck. It took about five minutes until I wanted to take a break so bad, but that of course wasn´t an option. So for the next about 45 minutes, I had exactly three thoughts in my head that kept rotating: 1. Why am I doing this? 2. Is my body trained enough for this? And 3. Please let the hill stop after this next curve. Of course it never stopped. Not once. For the first twenty minutes I thought about taking a break like every ten seconds, but everytime I felt my mind considering it, I yanked that thought away. “Think of something else! Think of something else!” So I tried to think of the beautiful surrounding and of the mountains and how much I love them and how excited I´d been about this trip.

That lasted for like three seconds, until I went back to my three thoughts. And so it went on and on and on. An inner battle with myself. Every second of it. A constant struggle of forcing my mind to be stronger than my body. Because that´s what it´s really all about, right? It´s all in your head. All these things you tell yourself like “I´m too exhausted, I have to stop” are simply just lies. You want to stop. But you certainly don´t have to. So that was what I constantly repeated to myself in silence: Mind over body. Mind over body!

After about an hour it got flat for the first time, and I was so relieved. And right after relief followed an insane amount of excitement and motivation. Dopamine, baby! And now, for the first time I could actually acknowledge the beauty and tranquility of the nature around us. There were mountaintops everywhere and we were right in the middle of them all. For a moment there I felt so strong and alive and like I could do anything.

That changed quite quickly as we reached the next stage. Compared to this the first part was nothing. It was steeper and longer. And the inner fight with myself began again. I ate a protein bar like every 20 minutes, but I still felt like I had no energy left at all. So here´s what my inner dialogue sort of sounded like: “Fuck I have to take a break now!”

- “Shut up, don´t be a loser!”

“I can´t continue!”

- “Yes you can, idiot!”

“No!”

- “Ok, then at least keep going till that next curve!”

I didn´t make it to the next curve. Which was a bummer and demotivated me. I took my first break, gasping for air.

After that, I noticed that something in my head had changed, in comparison to the first big hill. I had started to doubt myself. And then I felt how for now, my mind had lost against my body. The part of me that wanted to stop took over and I had to stop like every twenty meters. The hill seemed to never wanna end and I was seriously asking myself how the fuck I was gonna make it to the top.

But eventually it did end. It´s so funny how you can struggle and doubt and be in so much exhaustion and pain in the one moment, but in the next, when you made it to the top, it all just falls off you and you feel so unbelievably good and it´s like the whole torture had never even existed.

So to this point we had been going uphill for about 4 hours. We were now at an altitude of 1240 meters and at the second highest point of the whole route and right before the last big part with about 400 meters of height left. The famous “Brenner Pass”.

As I took a look at our route I gulped. I had really come to my limits and we still had about 1/3 of the total Elevation. Of course there was no other way then to keep going anyways.  

After the last bit of downhill ended, we now entered the Bundesstraße, which now started to go slightly uphill again. Next to it there was a raging Mountain-river. It was so beautiful and reviving and I almost seemed to draw energy from that river. If the river can flow so endlessly and powerfully, so can I, I thought. The afternoon sun had come out fully now, there were cyclers and motor bikers everywhere. A lot of bikers that drove passed us smiled or cheered at us and even though I was a bit nervous about the last part, the whole situation, the sun, the nature, the support of the others gave me a lot of strength and determination.

Soon the steepness became unbearable again though. Infront of me I saw the never ending street that was running parallel to the Brenner-Highway towering above us on massive concrete poles, making its way through the narrow gaps in between the mighty mountains surrounding us. I felt so small. I was panting and thrashing into the pedals, without seeming to get anywhere as a group of five guys came from behind, cycling past me. “Hi…hi…hey…what´s up…hi!” I greeted them one after the other between heavy breaths and a pained smile.

“You good?” one of them shouted back at me.

“Struggling man, but always keep going!” I shouted back. After a few minutes it was me who drove past them as they had taken a quick break on the side. I had to laugh, knowing that they knew how much I was fighting.

“You´re almost at the top, you got it!” one of them shouted after me. And honestly, this one sentence changed the whole rest of the ride for me. It was so simple, but it helped me so much. All of a sudden, I was like hey, you´re right! I got this!

Seeing how everybody was supporting each other and how everybody was kind of in this together made me so happy and motivated. The boys then overtook me again haha and while passing me one of them asked where I was going.

“Lago di Garda! And you?”

- “Istanbul!” he shouted over his back.

“Sick!!” I replied and then smiled. How cool is that? And then I cycled as hard as I could. And I kept thinking about what the one guy had said. “You´re almost there, you´re almost there!” At some point I started to focus on my breath cause I couldn´t handle the exhaustion anymore. “In through the nose and out through the mouth.” Is all I kept repeating in my head for the next 20 minutes. Until it finally got flat again, for a while. To this moment I felt so good. I was so ready for the last bit and so excited about everything around me, the motorbike gangs, the blue sky and the little village we had just cycled into, the fresh mountain air, since we were so high now.

But there, totally unexpected, I saw it! The sign of the Italian border. Right in the middle of this tiny village on the top of the mountain. Wait… was this it???

I slowly realized that we had actually just made it. We had just biked across the Alps. I was so happy and proud and just like every summer, when you would sit in the car with your family or later with your friends, headed south, and you would see that sign of that Italian border for the first time, I got this tickling excitement deep down. Only it was even stronger this time since we had actually done something for it.

So from then on it went down. Down, down, down the other side of the Alps.

This was fun. It felt so rewarding and the view was so epic and all we had to do was just sit on the bike for once and enjoy the wind and the scenery. The route led us through fields alongside rivers, through woods and through the most gorgeous, remote Italian villages.

The sun was at it´s golden hour now and it was all I could ask for. Though the hardest part was over now, it was already early evening and we still had like 50 kilometers to go until our first scheduled stop in Klausen, Südtirol.

I would have enjoyed it so much if my knees hadn´t started to hurt quite hard. I probably should have noticed that that wasn´t the sort of pain you get from a lot of strain, but more of a something-is-wrong-pain. But my lack of experience in biking and my tendency to not overthink too much, had me ignore the pain.

We had now left the alpine region and were now riding through typical South Tirolian landscape: green mountains full of vineyards wherever you´d look.

The one time we had a quick stop I realized that I had lost my sleeping mat, which really just made me laugh. The way it was tied to my stuff, it had to happen. Well. Is it a real trip if you don´t lose something important? I´ve gotten so used to losing my shit anyways, Ive already learned to just accept it.

So the sun was setting now and the sky was pink and we hit our last 10 kilometers and everything was perfect apart from my knees. The pain was now worse than the 6 hours of uphill and I started with my breathwork again lol, trying to blend out the pain. And as we finally, finally arrived after 11h of biking, feeling damaged, crippled and starved but happy as fuck, we did the only right thing to do: Italian Pizza of course. I had probably consumed like 3000 calories in shape of protein bars today but I was still so hungry as though I hadn´t eaten all day.

It was 10pm as we finished eating and while we were so ready to just fall into bed, here came the uncomfortable part: Finding a place to sleep in the dark.

Believe it or not, since all the trees were exclusively on very steep mountains and everything was dark and our brains and bodies were so wrecked and tired, we ended up spending 2 fucking hours looking for a place to set up our hammocks. In the meantime, at some point we were so desperate, Linda wanted to sleep on the bare ground of a definite private property, but I really didn´t feel like getting woken up by an angry farmer at 6 am. So we went on looking until we finallyyy found a place where we set up our camp, grumpy and tired, after heaving all of our shit up a steep-ass hill in the dark at 12:30 am.

So without a sleeping mat to shield from the cold coming from the ground, I rolled up in my sleeping bag and my isolation foil, sweating in the beginning and then shivering at 6am, as I got woken by the birds who were going crazy. As I woke up the next time at like 9, the first thing I saw was a sea of leaves all around me, shining in the brightest green tinted by the golden morning light, gently waving in the wind. The river, not far from us, was dabbling vividly, the birds were chirping now calmly and everything else was quiet. It was just us two hanging peacefully like caterpillars in our cocoon. It was so soothing.

After we had slowly awoken back to life after that straining day and admittingly, not very restful night, we packed our things, had a good breakfast (literally cereal with river water), and hit the road again. I was super excited for this day, the weather was perfect and the vibes were goood and I kind of already missed the exhaustion of the biking.

But the day turned out to be a little different. After cycling like 5 minutes, the pain in my knees had brought me to tears and I unwillingly had to admit to myself that there was no way, I could continue with the bike. So Linda shot off by herself and I walked me and my bike to the next Bus station, to take the train to Trento.

So there I was, sitting alone in some random village, on a solo mission now. The first 30 minutes I really just stared ahead of me, feeling really, really disappointed. It kind of felt like I had failed and I was angry at my body for giving in, but maybe biking across the alps just hadn´t been the best idea without any kind of training and preparation. But I got over it quite soon, thinking it´d be a shame to feel sad, when in Italy and I just accepted the fact, that this trip had taken an unexpected turn for me. Also, pretty fast I really started to enjoy the day, since I remembered how fun it is to travel solo. At the train station I made a friend who communicated with me through google translate and also everywhere else, people would be so friendly and help me with my bike, without me even asking.

In the train, I used the time and started to wright down this very entry.

As I arrived in Trento I felt very uncomfortable there. The energy in that slightly, bigger city totally clashed with my current state of mind. I wanted back in my biker bubble. I wanted serene nature and tiny authentic Italian villages and not the hustle of the tourist masses. So I quick charged my phone in a café and then fled the city. I had found a hiking trail on google maps which started in a small village, about an hour away from Trento. Knowing that that place had to be gorgeous and thirsty for a mountain river to bathe in, I thought this could be a potential place to spend the night. And since I really didn´t have anything else to do I set off for the journey, pushing my bike in grandma-pace, since I by now couldn´t even walk without my knees hurting. I stopped at the pharmacy and explained to the pharmacist by sign language that my knees hurt from cycling.

It could have been boring, but really it wasn´t. I had no hurry to get anywhere, which is a rare occasion in my pretty busy life. I let my mind just travel, thinking about yesterday and what I´d experienced, dreaming about what I was gonna experience in the future, and actually enjoyed just being here, feeling very free, just me, my few things I needed to survive and my bike.

The 30-minute hike in the end really fucked me up but with every meter it got more and more beautiful and remote and I ended up finding just what I had wanted, for today. It was the tiniest village, with a single Italian pizzeria, vineyards all over the place and a river coming from the top and the steep road led to a forest, behind whom I could see big mountains towering above me.

I forced myself up the last part until I reached the forest and then parked my bike, not worrying at all about if anybody might come by to steel my shit and climbed through the trees and bushes down to the river. I took a bath in the ice-cold water and then waited in the afternoon sun for Linda to arrive, which she did pretty soon, very exhausted after biking another very windy 100 km today.

We ended the day with a Pizza and a Radler and some good conversations. This time we had already set up our camp in the daylight, so we gladly made our way back to the camp at 10 pm and had, not exactly a good night sleep, but a way better one than yesterday. Although I´d woken up like 5 times in the morning, either due to freezing my ass off or to the pain in my knees that felt so clinched by the arch of the hammock in any position, I still dreamed so much that night. I dreamed in very wild constellations but also very realistically, of a bunch of people who used to be part of my life but aren´t anymore and everything I´d dreamed about had sort of happened in a way in reality. I found it so interesting how much our brain processes at night, if we let it rest for once, during the day. If we actually allow our thoughts to go deep and not just distract and overstimulate ourselves all the fucking time.

Anyways, same game this morning: cereal and river water and a goood fucking cappuccino for 1.80 in the one café that existed in the village.

After taking a look at my bike, Linda then realized, that my saddle had been adjusted like 10 centimeters too low for my height. Great. Now I was pissed about the whole situation. Through the false positioning, there had been too much pressure on my knees, instead of coming mostly out of the thighs. So now it wasn´t even my bodies fault that I couldn´t go on with the bike, but my own stupidities´. Talk about beginners.

But it was too late to change it now and so our ways parted again, Linda by bike and me back to the train station. Next stop was our last stop: Lago di Garda.

Apart from the view of course, the train ride really wasn´t that special, the most exciting thing was as I watched 4 boys getting busted for not having a train ticket. I had to smirk because this could have been so me and I wanted to secretly pass them my ticket so bad, since I had to get out next stop anyways, but the conductor had already gotten the best of them.

After arriving at the hostel at the Lago I showered for the first time in 4 days and took a nap, giving my poor knees a proper rest, for the first time. While brave Linda was fighting her way down the coast of the hilly and 52-kilometer-long lake, I met Kevin in the hostel. Kevin was three weeks in on his, at least one year long, journey around the world. He had a backpack of 26 kilos and nothing else anymore. He travelled just by hitch hiking, with the plan of making it over eastern Europe to Turkey, to Southeast Asia, to Australia. We had a good chat about traveling, festivals and future plans and later as Linda arrived, we had (who would have thought) some pizza on the rooftop, with view onto the lake and the most lovely sunset.

With beer and a joint and very funny conversations till late night, we ended the day.

The next two days were expectedly, way more like normal vacation days. Some relaxing, some exploring and of course vino and aperol and gelato. We rented a vespa and discovered some untouched beaches, swam naked in the still pretty cold water and were just living the dolce vita.

The one night we got totally shitfaced with a bunch of Italians we had met in a cool local bar, drinking one shot after the other and loads of piccola birra. And of course, is it a real trip without a little vacay-romance with a local and a quick marriage?

And way too soon the last day had passed and as I woke up at 9 am Linda had already left, since her flixbus to Munich had left way earlier than mine to Vienna.

Totally calm and very caught up in my own thoughts, reliving everything that had happened in the past days, I packed my things and then made my way to the train station. Even though I was already a little short in time, I stopped in the kitchen to eat a few of the olives we still had left from yesterday. Great breakfast. As I left the hostel, I had had exactly 10 minutes left until my train was going to Verona, from where my flixbus departed. The way to the train station, according to google, took exactly 10 minutes as well. Whoops. Reluctantly I started to cycle for a few minutes instead of walking to spare some time. As I had three minutes left and the train station still wasn´t in sight I started to get nervous. As I double checked on google maps, I realized I had taken the wrong street. Of course.

I rushed back, already going through all the possibilities I now had: should I give up already and just stay another night? Is there a bus going to Verona? Or am I lucky and the train will be late?

As I found the right street, I saw the train station right away. “You dumbass” I thought to myself, it would have been so close.

As I entered the station, I already heard a train coming in. In total stress I ran to the elevator taking me and my bike to platform 3 without even knowing if it was my train. The elevator was the slowest motherfucker on earth and as the doors finally opened, the train had just set off. After a few seconds I realized that this hadn´t even been my train, since my actual train was now coming in at the platform on the other side, where I had just come from. “Shit!” I cursed, ran back to the stupid elevator, pressed the down button like 20 times and hurried back. Of course, the lame ass elevator didn´t make it in time again and there my train left, right in front of my nose, without me. Once again, I just started to laugh about myself. How can you even fuck up like five chances of still making it?

Then I really went through all the options I now had. I was this close to just fuck it and stay. I even was almost excited I had missed the train, so that I had an excuse to stay longer, since I really wasn´t ready to go back home yet. But there was one problem. I had to upload a really important essay for university until tonight at 12 pm and of course I didn´t have my computer with me. I had planned to write the essay on the 10 hour bus ride on the 2 single sheets of paper I had brought with me, which had been the worst idea to start with, considering the fact that they had given us a full week to prepare the essay, which also required quite complex analyses of data and graphs, usually only done with the computer. Well, now I had to improvise.

I called one of the Italians I had met the other day, hoping that he could drive me to Verona but he didn´t pick up. I then called a taxi, asking if he could take me and my bike to Verona. He said he could and he´s on his way and it costs 60 euros and before I could even ask him when he´s gonna be there he hung up on me. I knew I probably wasn´t gonna make it in time even with the taxi, so I hid from all the taxis that arrived at the train station not wanting to pay 60 bucks for nothing. So I waited for half an hour for the next train to Verona hoping that the flixbus coincidentally had had a very late delay, which of course it didn´t have.

So then I was in Verona, quite planless. I wanna describe the vibe that I was in though: I should have been really stressed out about the whole situation, but I really wasn´t at all. I really couldn´t be fucked about missing the bus or missing the deadline for the essay. It just didn´t matter to me. It almost felt like missing my ride home was meant to be and the reckless part in me told myself to just stay in Italy for another while. But since I really can´t bare studying any longer than necessary, the reasonable part in me won and I decided grudgingly to work my way up north with the regional train, not wanting to pay too much. I also hoped I wouldn´t get kicked out without any reservation for my bike.

Before heading off, I bought a quick snack at a bakery at the train station. I had parked my bike outside and while waiting in line I had already noticed this man, about 30 years old, who kept observing me. After a few minutes he walked up to me. “You should really watch out for your bike, In Verona they steel a lot.”

“Oh, OK! Grazie!” I called while hurrying to my bike. How nice of him, I thought, while making my way to my train towards Bolzano. The train was already waiting at the platform. I parked my bike in the bike area of the train and ,last minute of course, tried to book a ticket online. The door of the train opened and suddenly the man, who´d just warned me, stepped into the train. I grinned and as he saw me, he called out “Ha! What a coincidence!”. And then right away he also greeted a man (about 50) who was also just stowing away his bike right next to me, apparently, they knew each other as well. Just by sort of listening to their chat (of course I didn´t understand the Italian) I noticed right away that this guy had something so chill about him. He was extremely outgoing but in such an authentic way. As I still stood there trying to buy that ticket, after a while he asked me where I was going and I quickly explained my situation to him. “You´re a disaster.” was all he said.

He felt like a friend to me right away. I asked him if he could help me with the ticket and for some reason the situation was kind of funny, as I stood there now with two men I didn´t know, both helping me out, but not really in a polite way, more in a goofy way, as the older man was giving me advice on how to hide from the ticket conducter, and the younger one kept roasting me and my chaos.

As it just didn´t want to work with my phone, he was like “Alright, then I´ll just pay it with my phone.” (the ticket was 40 euros) and he said that so casually, not expecting anything in exchange. Gladly, we then figured out that I could pay from his phone with my paypal and he actually said: “so if you trust me you can type in your details.”

As if I could distrust this honest soul! So now my ticket was on his phone. “You just stay with me and if the ticket person says something about the bike I´ll explain.” he said and so we ended up spending the two hours of train ride together. And honestly, the more I got to know him, the more this casual helpfulness of this man had me shook. It was small things but the way he naturally just helped random strangers around him, with all kinds of things, as though they were good friends, was so amazing.

We chatted for a while and as I told him that I work as a bartender he got super excited and offered me a job and a place to live at his pub in a ski resort in the fucking Dolomites for next season, telling me he needed just someone like me. How sick is that?! I got just as excited and told him I will think about it for real.

He told me about his wife and his little daughter and his cousin (“She is a gipsy, just like you!”), and I told him about our trip and the biking and the camping.

“You and I are so different. Our life couldn´t be more different. See, we can talk now in this train, but outside of this train our lives would never cross each other. My life is just working. Working, then going home, watching TV. And then look at you. I personally, can´t understand how people can live this way.” he said, again in his casual way. He also didn´t say it in a degrading way at all. Just really honest and I admired his honesty and his subtle view on things. He wasn´t like other people. He didn´t disguise himself out of politeness. And even though we were so very different, I felt so much sympathy towards him. And even though he probably held me for some chaotic maniac, he´d still decided to help me with everything he could, he´d shared his food with me and let me charge my phone instead of his own and just took care of me.

He asked me if I had a boyfriend and about my past relationships but not in a weird way at all.

“I´m asking you this because I´m interested in how you live your life. To me it´s really fascinating.” He explained and I happily told him of some stories and adventures of my, to him, very chaotic life. And after all that talk about how crazy he found me and my lifestyle, he said something I hadn´t expected, but that made me like him even more.

“I hope that my daughter becomes like you.”

-  “Well, I hope she doesn´t turn out totally like me!” I laughed.

“No no no, god no, not as chaotic as you! But I want her to enjoy her life. I want her to be free. Like you.”

I really didn´t know what to say.

He went on: “See, all my life I had to focus on work, on having enough money, without a dad. And now I´m sort of stuck with it. My whole life I carried a heavy package with me. I don´t want that for her. I envy you. In a good way!”

I was so touched. “I´m sure she will have an amazing life.” I said warmly.

And after that it was Romans time to get out of the train. It felt like I had to say goodbye to a dear friend. He squeezed my hand and I thanked him for saving my life today and then he squeezed my hand again, telling me to take care of myself and I told him again I would think about working for him next year.

For the next hour I just dreamily looked out of the window, having to smile now and then, while thinking of the things Roman had said to me. Somehow, he had just made my day. He´d left a feeling of deep joy inside of me, for various reasons. Isn´t it so uplifting when people step out of their own zones, when strangers become friends and when people live with each other instead of only existing next to each other?

I also was glad about how he reminded me of how good my life was, which I´m usually very aware of, but of course everybody sometimes forgets to appreciate what they´ve got, which is why I always like to get reminded, once in a while.

This is why I love traveling so much. There´s so many amazing people around, just waiting to be met and whole new opportunities opening up, just from a random acquaintance in a train. While expanding your horizons, it also makes you find back to, what you might have lost a little out of sight. Reminding you of what life actually is about. Making you appreciate the smallest things so much, finding trust in humanity again, relearning to rely on each other instead of distrusting each other. Learning to not stress about things not going the way you´d wanted them to and still making the best out of it, maybe even something better. Because that´s exactly what I had done here. I couldn´t have asked for a better journey home, even though pretty much everything had gone wrong.

I thought about all this for the rest of the train ride until I got to the Brenner train station, the last station still in Italy. And then I sat there in the sun, in between mountains again, right in the middle of the two borders for 30 minutes waiting for the next train to take me back to Austria, to Innsbruck. I was looking like a homeless person, I was pretty surely gonna miss that deadline for University and I had payed so much for the trains but I was happy as fuck.

In the train I tried so hard but I couldn´t get myself to start working on that stupid essay, I merely gazed out of the window as the train was now winding itself slowly through most epic scenery and in that moment I appreciated living in Austria so much. And suddenly, out of the train in the distance, I spotted that last big street, we had gone up with the bikes, on our first day and I had to smile. It looked so small and not steep at all from up here, but I could almost see little me on my little bike on that street and it made me remember that first day very vividly. I kind of liked the thought that I was now finishing off the trip by getting back to, from where I had started, almost like watching the trip in rewind.

In Innsbruck I missed my train to Vienna again because I didn´t feel like running. I got home really late and worked on the assignment until 1:30 am, missing the deadline by 1,5 hours. I didn´t know if my professor was gonna accept it and I really didn´t care. Things were gonna come the way they were gonna come. I had had the most amazing week and that´s what mattered. See, life really doesn´t always run the way we want it to, or the way we need it to. Or the way we think we need it to. And it´s a good fucking thing. Life is a very complex system and therefore chaotic. This is literally a law of nature (the one thing I learned in Uni, that I actually found interesting). It´s supposed to be this way and there´s no point in trying to fight against it. I can´t wait to see what the next adventure brings (maybe next time with the right bike). Until then, always keep goinggg!

Ciao!

[vesicapiscean]

Dream report

First I was on the dream school campus (anything I mention here is within my dream realm I frequently see) and I was feeling flighty and uneasy. Then I find myself off campus around town and it’s not Halloween but people on the street are acting weird. I manage to get through town and into my house and my whole family is there (brothers and sisters both sides of the family) and I somehow notice that my stomach hurts and I’ve had a forced hysterectomy. I realize that it happened when I was at the school and feeling uneasy. I’m crying and screaming at everyone around me “DOES THIS MEAN I CANT GET PREGNANT?” An I was frantically trying to google it, but my phone was acting weird and I couldn’t search for anything. And I opened one app on my phone that was the weirdest shit I’ve ever seen. It was like a game with animals, kinda like a neopets flash game but on my phone and the animals were the WINX CLUB PETS!! took me y til after I woke up to recognize this. Okay so I’m hysterical and freaking out over my forced surgery. I’m crying and screaming around the house. I step outside to smoke (?) out the front door and I see someone crawling along the opposite side of the street bent over backwards on their hands and knees so they face is upside down and their belly is up. But they have a white sheet over themselves so it looks like a white sheet ghost. I get really frightened by this and try to put out my smoke and go inside but the creature starts running so fast, the sheet slips a little and I see that it’s two of my peers that I saw on campus earlier. and then shapeshifts into a WORM that is slithering in the sky low to the ground and fast. And comes right for the door, and I slam it just in time but I didn’t slam it all the way cause they were trying to push the door open against me. Finally it latched and I locked it. Then I went back to my family and my brothers are like let’s get you out of here. So my middle brother (just got his license IRL) is driving and he’s going SO FAST. And I recognize that the area we are driving through would have taken us up the mountain where there is the narrowest little path, and it leads to the property where we have a smaller house that’s next to the granny unit near the water and vineyard/forest. (Again this is something I dream about often) and he is driving SOO FAST!! I had to maneuver myself from the front seat to the back seat, but I don’t remember why, and then from the back seat, while he is still speeding, I had to crawl out the back window, open the front door with the handle, pull myself into the front seat from the outside of the car and slam the door. As soon as I do that, there is loud commotion outside. I’m telling Marcelo to slow down but he won’t listen, and then suddenly two LARGE jet engine powered tube-shaped crafts land in front of us, as if using the road as a landing strip. I vividly saw the turbine in front of the car and I was screaming “GET OVER GET OVER” cause I thought they were going to blast us. Then I notice that people are getting out of their cars and running. Before I’m able to get out, I see what appears to be a petrified, dead tree flying through the sky near to the ground, and more than just one appear from behind us and rush ahead of us towards the running people. And attached to the end of the tree branches are what look like charms or bells, two attached to either side of a string/rope like how tied up tennis shoes look on phone lines, or lucky dice on a rear view mirror. Whatever these charms are, they are glowing with a vibrant purple aura and sending out shocks of electricity, striking people to the ground. Then I woke up!

[taylorbuggtaylortot]

Baby girl is blonde oh so pretty

Little gypsy soul goin city to city

She twirls fire just for fun

She’s beautiful to everyone

Her eyes like up in the black of night

She’s dancing on tables in the dim blue light

Riding with the bad boys

Always buckwild

She’ll love anyone

That’s just her style

Baby come out to the Wild Wild West

Where were all fucking beautiful

And life keeps us stressed so we

Do what we can

God knows we’re a mess

You can hang with us if you pass the test

And

We ride out all weekend long

Stay by the fire

Singing some songs

just like a movie you’ve never seen before

We may get too crazy but we’re never bored

Doin lines on the bathroom sink

at 7-11 when we’d get some drinks

Diet Mountain Dew was always her favorite

Flirting with the boys to get some one to pay it

Get together down by the shore

We didn’t have shit but never wanted more

Swallow the air and caress the breeze

Living our life we are born to be free

Those days have long passed

But I will find my way back

Those days were my best days

Longing for nothing

Always had something

To love and hold onto

These days I catch myself dreaming

Oh what a feeling

I never realized I had

Till I think back and I laugh and I wish that I had them back

Go to that place in your mind that you think of all the time

Driving through the red lights

Rollin past through midnight

Into the late ams

Try not to get too high

Telling little white lies

Trying to feel anything

Riding fast

Wind in my hair

I can’t breathe I don’t care

Sharing death right in the eyes

I don’t want to go home tonight

The world goes past while I’m crying hard

Wishing on every star

I can’t keep pretending to be okay

I can’t keep going on this way

-tf

[larrydempsey]

“But I’m Feeling Much Better Now, Conclusion”

After I graduated from high school, Tom taught me how to drive.  Unlike every other teenager in the universe, I had no interest in getting behind the wheel of a car when I was going to school.  I wanted my uncle (my mom’s brother) to teach me how, since he was a part-time driving instructor, but Tom said there was no way anyone else was going to teach me.      Using Tom’s two-door, silver stick-shift Honda hatchback (which later became my car), I learned to drive in industrial parks, empty parking lots, and on dirt roads outside of town.  It wasn’t fun—either the driving or having to spend more time with Tom—but at least I made it through him trying to teach me something without crying, like I did when I was younger.  That’s progress.     The main reason Tom wanted to teach me how to drive was so I would be able to drive to work.  I strongly suspected he wanted me to get a job and move away from home as soon as possible so he wouldn’t have to deal with me anymore.

I went out looking for jobs where I thought I could make use of my creative skills, places like newspapers, print shops, photo studios, and videographers.  I took examples of my artwork with me to show them what I could do.  But it was pointless.  While they considered me “good,” I wasn’t good enough.  It didn’t help that I didn’t have any real experience or a college degree.  It was naive of me to think I could get a decent job right out of high school.  They took my résumé (such as it was), but I never heard back from any of them.

Since I couldn’t find a “real” job, Tom put me to work on two projects he had going on around town (not that I had a choice).  The first was helping out on the new house that he was having built for his parents, who were moving up from Oregon so they could live near us.  Some of my duties included tidying up the worksite, like sweeping inside the house and picking up stray nails and boards outside.  I also spent days spreading multiple coats of tar sealant on the exterior of the concrete foundation with a paint roller at the end of a long stick.     One afternoon, on the drive home from picking me up, Tom asked me how I liked working on the house.  I don’t remember what I said specifically, only that it wasn’t too enthusiastic.  Tom got angry and confused, wondering why I wasn't thrilled with my new job.  He said, “You don’t seem too excited.”  I thought to myself, “Excited?  I spend all day working with stuff that smells worse than shit.  If I got any more excited, I’d fall into a coma.”     After that, Tom got me a job working at the first Super 1 grocery store when it was being built, since he was the architect for it and had an “in” with the owner.  At the time I was hired, the store was still an enormous concrete shell, big and (mostly) empty, with random metal shelving, refrigeration equipment, and mountains of cardboard, clear plastic, and styrofoam packing material scattered everywhere.  It felt like a huge, dark airplane hanger.  I was assigned to crawl around on my hands and knees on a concrete floor all day wearing hard plastic knee pads and dragging a shop vac behind me, cleaning and vacuuming inside the bases of hundreds of shelving units.  Just like working on Tom’s parent's house, this job was hot as hell as well, with sweat dripping off my face as I breathed in dust from drywall and fought back nausea.  I’m convinced Tom intentionally found me the crappiest jobs he could find just to torture me.

I remember the last place Tom, my mom, my sister, and I went together as a family (well, the four of us together, that is).  We went to the Silverwood theme park, which had just opened for the first time a couple months earlier.  I had no interest in seeing it, but Tom wanted to, as it was the big new thing in town at the time.      Right before we left home, Tom and I got into a huge argument (over something about which I have no idea, but knowing me, I probably didn’t want to go—or go anywhere with him).  I think Mom and my sister were already in the car in the garage, waiting for the two of us to come out.  I wanted to tell Mom about the argument when I got in the car, but I couldn’t since she was one of “the parents.”  But I felt things shift that day.  It was the first time I saw Mom separately from Tom.  They were no longer one unit; this formidable force of the two of them ganged up on me.  Instead, I saw Tom as my adversary and Mom as someone with whom I would soon be able to confide.     There was hardly anything at Silverwood in its early days.  There was the train (which people could use to ride around the perimeter of the park) and a few rides and shops.  I remember riding on the train, sitting in my seat (comfortably far from Tom, naturally), not enjoying it or paying attention to where I was or what was going on.  Mom asked what was wrong, but I didn’t want to say anything, at least not at that point, so I kept it to myself.  All I could do was sit there and think about that big argument I had with Tom and how I could possibly endure living with him for much longer.  Tom and I were seriously becoming enemies.

Tom went out with some friends late one night.  He came home around 2:30 in the morning.  Mom and Tom immediately got into an argument over why he was coming home so late, where he was, and who he was with.  During the argument, he burst into my bedroom and demanded to know what was going on and why Mom was so worked up.  Piss off, buddy.  You’re not getting any help from me.  Mom later found out that Tom had been out dancing with a woman he’d recently met, a woman with whom he’d been spending a lot of time and getting a little too closely acquainted (FORESHADOWING!).     Things quickly started to deteriorate after that.  The tension was constant, and arguments erupted almost every day.  The end was near and inevitable.

After a brief and explosive argument between Tom and Mom one night, Mom threw a large calculator at him (the only thing within arm’s reach), and Tom made a mad dash for the back door.  The sight of him jumping in the car and screeching out of the garage, like the coward he was, is still one of my favorite memories (too bad about the calculator, though; it never quite worked the same after that).  Tom returned not long after, but not for very long.      Near the end of summer and two days before my mom’s birthday, Tom left us for good.  My mom, my sister, and I were watching TV in the living room.  Tom was sitting at the table in the dining room, working on who knows what.  Without warning, he quietly got up from the table, walked out to the garage, got in the car, and left.  We heard him leave, but we didn’t think anything of it at the time—at least not until he didn't come home that night.     When Tom eventually came back a few days later to pick up some clothes and a few other things to bring to the hotel at which he’d been staying, he told my mom that when he heard us laughing at the TV, he felt like he “didn't belong.”  Apparently, the sound of the three of us enjoying whatever show we were watching was the final straw that convinced him we were no longer a family (if we ever really were one).  Tom filed for divorce shortly after.

When the news was going around that my parents were going to get a divorce, my mom’s longtime best friend (who she’d known since first grade) called Tom and invited him to go fishing with her and her husband.  Read that again if you need to.  I’ll wait.

Not long after my parents separated, Mom went to visit Tom while he was working on his parents’ new house.  She asked him if there was any way he would consider coming back and working things out.  Tom turned her down.  To this, Mom replied, “It’s a good thing you said that, or the kids would have left.”  It’s not that she actually wanted him back, but she thought she’d ask, just to see what his response would be.  Tom added that his reason for not wanting to get back together was that he and Mom “didn’t click.”

With Tom gone, we needed money coming in.  Any potential child support was a long way off (but only for my sister since I’d turned 18 earlier that spring).  So after abandoning my delusions of finding a job doing something I liked or was good at, I took whatever I could get.     Mom and I found temporary employment at a computer keyboard plant doing mind-numbing assembly line work.  That lasted for about a month.  After that was over, Mom landed the first in a long line of jobs in retail, while my career path quickly led me to the first of an endless string of janitor jobs.  Everything I was capable of doing, all my “gifts” and “talents,” were useless.  The only jobs I could get were cleaning toilets.

Whenever Tom came over to the house to discuss the divorce, at some point he’d get pissed off and storm out.  Every time.  He’d get up, stomp across the living room, and then dart out the front door, slamming the door behind him.  Every meeting ended the same way, except for one night.  On that night, I jumped up and made it to the door before he did.  As he reached for the doorknob, I grabbed him by the front of his coat with both hands and threw him down into the nearest chair.  He was scared out of his mind, which I could tell from the look of horror on his face, his eyes bulging and his bottom lip trembling.  That was the first time I ever stood up to him.  He never tried storming out again.      Tom later accused my mom of turning my sister and me against him.  Sorry, dude.  She didn’t have to turn us against you.  We never liked you in the first place.  We were glad you left.  Sure, we would be worse off financially, but we would be far better off without you around.      During the divorce trial, Tom was on the stand, and Mom’s lawyer asked Tom when my birthday was.  It seems like a simple enough question, right?  A father should know his children’s birthdays.  After hemming and hawing, obviously having trouble remembering when I was born, he finally said a date—but it was the wrong one.     We had to move out of our second house after the divorce.  We were forced to sell it so Tom could get his half of the money.  We sold all but a quarter acre of our land, took our half of the money, and built a new house on it (that was our third house, for those keeping track).

Not long into Tom’s second marriage (married to the woman with whom he was out dancing before he divorced my mom), my sister and I received a long letter from his new wife, going on and on about how great a man he was, how downhearted he felt about his children ignoring him, and demanding that we treat him better.  Sorry.  No sympathy here.  He treated us like crap, and he’s the victim?  I thought, “Give it time.  You’ll find out what he's really like.”

Tom bought me a computer drawing program one Christmas, probably trying to impress his new wife by pretending he was a good father.  I told him I already had that program.  Three months later, he mailed me the receipt so I could take it back.  The receipt was my birthday present.

Tom came into our new house once, and only once.  I was home alone one afternoon.  Mom must have been at work.  I don’t know where my sister was—either at work or school, probably.  The doorbell rang, and I answered the door.  I couldn’t believe who I saw standing on the other side of it.  I should have just slammed the door, but, being the polite guy (and wimp) that I am, I let him in.  He wanted me to sign a birthday card for his father.  Trying to choke back fake tears, Tom said he thought his father wasn’t going to be around much longer (which was a complete exaggeration; his father was fine; he lived for many more years).  He asked me if I could also draw a little something, too, so I did a ballpoint pen drawing of Superman on the left-hand side of the inside of the card.  I’m assuming his birthday card request was just an excuse to see the inside of our new house.

Tom wanted to pay to send both my sister and me to college, even after the divorce.  Sounds good, right?  Who would turn that down?  Me, for one.  Accepting his offer meant him buying his way into my life again.  First, it would mean he thought he could see me or talk to me whenever he wanted to.  Second, he would hold it over me.  If and when I ever made something of myself, he’d want to take credit for my success since he was the one who paid for my education.  Sorry.  Not interested.  We finally got rid of that asshole.  I didn’t want him back in our lives.  My sister accepted his offer, though, and went to college on his dime a few years later, after she moved to Seattle.     Mom encouraged both of us to take Tom for as much as we could.  While I can see that point of view and I can see why my sister did it, I couldn't do the same.  In my opinion, the bad outweighed the good.  And yes, because my sister accepted Tom’s money, she had to talk to him on the phone and visit with him in person whenever he wanted.

Tom’s second marriage lasted about ten years.  But shockingly, its demise wasn’t due to anything Tom had done (well, not entirely).  It turns out his new wife and her son had been stealing money from his parents.  Pity.  I thought she was the one.

About a year or so after Tom’s second divorce, Mom and I went out to eat at Pizza Hut one night.  Tom came in with a young girl (no older than her 20s or 30s, compared to him in his late 50s).  When I went up to the salad bar, Tom got up and came over to talk to me.  I told him I had recently done some published comic book work (me, having recently had some success in the artistic field and something to brag about).  He said he wanted a copy.  I agreed to give him one, just so I could get away from him.  Later, as Mom and I were leaving, I stopped at the table where Tom was sitting on the same side of the booth as the girl.  I told him, “You’re getting them younger all the time, aren’t you?”  He smiled and laughed, assuming I had said something funny, not realizing what I’d actually said.  But once he finally achieved comprehension, his eyebrows dropped, and his smile quickly faded.  Next, I asked, “How do you live with yourself?”  I walked away from the table and headed toward the door.  When I reached the door, I turned around, and there he was, standing right behind me, looking super pissed.  I got right in his face and said, “Sit the fuck down.”  I turned around and walked out the door without looking back.  That was the second time I ever stood up to him and the first time I ever cussed at him.  It felt great.     The next time I saw Tom was at my grandmother’s funeral (my mom’s mother’s).  He was all chummy-chummy with me, either forgetting what had happened at Pizza Hut or pretending it didn’t happen.  My other grandmother (Tom’s mother) was also there.  She came up to me, sobbing, wondering why I never visited them, even though we live in the same town.  The reason I never visited is because I hated her and her husband almost as much as I hated Tom.  Besides not liking them personally, why would I want anything to do with the two people who spawned the devil, who was my father?  I told her I’d visit, completely lying through my teeth.     The last time I saw Tom was across a grocery store parking lot late one evening.  He was with his fifth wife (you read that right: fifth).  He kept waving at me, trying to get me to come over to talk to him.  I kept ignoring him, pretending I didn’t see or hear him.  He eventually gave up and entered the store.

I still remember where I was when I heard that Tom had died.  I was picking Mom up from work, and she told me the news after she got in the car (she heard the news from her brother, who called her earlier in the day).  I couldn’t have been happier.  Giddy is too small a word.  My first thought was that I wanted to know where he was going to be buried so I could go pee on his grave.  We found out later that it’s in another state, so I haven’t gone there yet.  But I look forward to it.

Tom, along with my bullies and my teachers, seriously screwed me up.  If it weren't for them, I wouldn’t be enjoying the anxiety, depression, obesity, OCD, PTSD, low self-esteem, and poor self-image issues from which I suffer every day.  Who knows how much happier I could have been and how much further I could have gotten in life if they had simply left me alone?  Regardless, I’m working really hard to like myself now, to enjoy my own company, and to not put myself down so much in an effort to undo some of the damage they did to me.  It's not easy.  And it’s been a long,8slow process.  But I’m trying.  Wish me luck.

Copyright © 2023 Larry Dempsey.  All rights reserved.

Commentary for "But I’m Feeling Much Better Now"

[shoggoth-the-bitch]

Okay, this might take a minute...

The Buried: Crippling financial and social burdens.

The Corruption: Old housemates who were so filthy that they had a mountain of trash, dirty dishes, moldy towels, and multiple patches of mold growing on the walls and floor in their room. When they moved out, they left it in that state and I had to help clean it all up.

The Dark: I have been followed by a stranger lately at night, does that count? I also like going on night walks, if that matters.

The Desolation: Oh boy! The first time I met my housemate/best friend his car caught fire, while we were driving somewhere together, and nobody noticed for at least five minutes but probably closer to ten minutes. He also caused our house to partially burn down and almost did it again a second time not too long ago. He's no longer allowed to play with fire.

The End: Literally every woman on my mother's side of the family for the last five generations at least has developed ovarian and breast cancer. So I'm honestly just waiting for it to be my turn.

The Extension: Nothing physical. Unless you count the crippling anxiety I get when I think too long above prehistoric times and how vast and terrifying the dinosaurs must have been.

The Eye: I do constantly feel like people are judging me for things, even when I know it's just my own anxiety.

The Flesh: Other than an extreme distaste for my own physical appearance and general gender dysphoria?

The Hunt: I was attacked by a large dog when I was maybe eight. Also have my knee broke by two large dogs ramming their heads directly into me.

The Lonely: I tend to isolate myself by choice, as I often feel like a burden when I make myself too present.

The Slaughter: In my high school there was a girl gang that would come into the lady's room and they would turn off the lights. If anyone spoke up or reacted, they would all run in and beat the shit out of whoever was in there. I was in the bathroom while this happened once and they came in and beat someone else up. I stayed quiet and didn't actually get found but it was still rather upsetting. In hindsight, this also kinda works for the dark.

The Spiral: Bro, I got so many mental health issues. I simply do not have the time to explain everything wrong with me.

The Stranger: Dolls and clowns terrified me as a child because my grandma let me watch both Child's Play and It when I was like six. She also collected porcelain dolls and gifted porcelain dolls to all the little girls in the family for every holiday and birthday. Guess what I had a closet full of growing up.

The Vast: As a child I injured myself many times by jumping off of things I shouldn't even have been standing on. I also really liked being on the swing when I was little.

The Web: I used to be really scared of spiders but now I'm kinda indifferent to them, so long as they don't come at me. Family also used to own a tarantula but that's about it.

I don't know how many of these count. Someone else is gonna have to be a judge of that.

Tma enjoyers, reblog this post with fears you feel like you'd be marked by and the experience that gave you said mark. I saw a post like this a while back and I found it interesting.

[promiseiwillwrite]

March Whatever Comes Up

Just a quick Recap before things get Really fucking weird and personal and have to be under the cut.

Met the Blue Mushroom Faery Lady, very nice land spirit from the large Mushroom that lives in my back yard. We're friends. It's not anymore complicated than that. I offered some water that I Normally use to make broth as an offering on the Equinox after steeping some dried mushrooms. You never know what might come up.

I learned how to crochet... Because I want to make a witch hat... and I have found crochet patterns for this, but no knitting patterns. So I have been practicing.

I learned that in connecting with and acknowledging my desires, naturally, both healthy and unhelpful desires would be there to do this work.

And I met the Mushroom Lady within me, Pearl... Who I have lots of contradictory thoughts and feelings about, because she keeps me safe by disabling me. But we are going to try to work on Rest instead.

And now for what woke me shaking at 3am night before last.

If you are reading this, please be advised that while there is no sexual content below, I find it very difficult to describe my experience without resorting to some language and allegory used in sexual scenes and kink. Actual kink will be mentioned.

In my heart, in my head, there are other people.

On of those people is Derrik.

Derrik is the First other person I ever met in myself that I knew was another person and not me.

And He Terrified 13 year old me.

He wasn't trying to. But when I saw him, and he saw me for the first time, neither of us was really "ready" for that.

Our interactions are and have always been every technicolor thing you'd expect between two people with bodies, textures, flavors, smells, the whole nine yards. But there is also other information that passes between us because we live in the same body. A lot of that information is very sensory and emotional. There is a full blown feedback loop between me and whomever else when they are "driving" or very close to the front of consciousness. It can be very visceral, because these other people represent some of my most ardent personal desires, and there is a lot of passion pent in some of them because I am Not good at getting my desires met, by and large.

Because of my first interaction with Derrik, that "not ready" moment we both had, we were both completely vulnerable to one another, and had a moment a lot more intimate than someone Walking in on you in the bathroom.

His emotions and desires, open to me, mine open to him, all out for everyone to see and feel with no consent from either party. I had been Looking for him, but hadn't expected to fall through the ceiling into his mountain fortress.

It was terrifyingly intense.

He was terrifyingly intense. And he wasn't ready to have me immediately react to him like Count Dracula. Which is Exactly how he came across.

It was depressing for both of us, because I was new at Magic Shit, and I'd been led to believe that this would be a nice experience, and I would feel safe and in control about it.

But that wasn't what happened. I am not most people. Derrik and I have always been a little weird around the edges. Sometimes close, but always a little drifty and distant... He never really seemed to want to be near the front, unlike most everyone else. He didn't seem to want to engage in any other relationships, and he brooded like Batman.

After knowing this man for 28 years, I think I actually am starting to understand why.

Night before last, I was dreaming. In the dream, I was in a place full of crafting materials, just Choc-a-block floor to ceiling with fabric and embroidery floss and I was there with a Man.

I didn't understand at first that it was Derrik, and that he had things he needed to communicate. I was happily in ferret shock, having found this hoard of lovely stuff to explore, and this man is obviously agitated, and I don't know why. It was trying to be some spy thriller dream, and I think he had started out as a James Bond type, but less descriptive.

Until he pinned my hips between his and the table.

And then he/Derrik, with Shaking hands wraps around me from behind and takes my full attention.

Now, mind you, despite the rocky start to our relationship, things have sorted themselves out, and Fear is no longer an element of our relationship... Except on rare occasion, for kink reasons. Derrik is an imposing figure.

So something in my lizard brain wakes up a little in response, and I wonder briefly if this is going to be a sex dream.

But it didn’t go that way.

He just holds me, Shaking, and pushes his way to the Front.

Which he’s almost never done.

He layed there, staring at the ceiling, Breathing in my hotel room, and told me that he felt a need to re-define our relationship.

He told me he wasn’t sex adverse, but that he might be asexual.  He told me he thought sex was meh in comparison to intimacy for him.  And that the only people he could have fulfilling intimacy with were the other people that shared our Head.

And then after that, it was one confession after another.

He told me he had needs that involved several elements of kink, and that was better to him than sex.  He told me that he was Otherkin, Which I’d actually always known, but I think he’s working that out for himself.  He’d been some flavor of incubus for a while, but I think he’d not found it fulfilling.  I think it failed to scratch all the itches.  He needed to move further into the Dark, but he needed to know it was Okay with me.  Especially the demon porn and murdery bits.  It all has implications for me, and who I am, because he is me and we are one.  But I just didn’t feel bad or worried or scared or anything.  Because those darker themes have always been there. I have space for that now.  I never could have handled all of this before.  But I was just able to hold all of it, and him and not bat an eyelash.  It just changed nothing about how I felt about or saw him, or myself.

All in all, it was the better part of two hours, me talking with him about what he wanted and needed from me, and how I could help him adjust to his new boundaries and interactions most comfortably. 

And I took him to my old work room.

Imagine the set from Interview with the Vampire where Lestat burns the entire cadre of Armand’s children for killing Claudia.  That dungeon/cathedral tomb type of place where they were resting.

Straight out of my Teenage memory, This place slightly more modern in its furnishings and with all the old sculpture cleared away.  So that new things could be created.

And then Kalok climbed down from the rafters like Venom and joined us.  And Rath crept down the stairs and joined us as well.

Derrik just seemed so happy.  This all was like he’d been afraid of coming out to a bunch of weird creepy monsters for a long time, as a weird creepy monster, and it was no shock to any of us.  We told him to take it up as many notches as he wanted to.  Change his name, Become a Punk Drag Goth Demon if he wanted.  Make his clothes out of leather and black sequins and never take off his mask like a luchador.  Whatever it took to float the boat, as long as the Body didn’t end up in Prison, and no actual maiming or murder or other somesuch consent violation was involved, he could indulge literally any fantasy he wanted, be Anyone, and any way he wanted.

And so he did.

Right there in front of us, he climbed some stairs that rose from the floor to meet his steps, and ripped of his black clothes to reveal the full complement of horns and feathers and backward bent knees, and talons like you might see on a harpy, but of course, gloriously male.

And then the alarm went off, and I had to get up…