#i was prescribed a med three times a day
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đľmental health medication journey with kiki badum dumđľ
#ok so#i was prescribed a med three times a day#and then a separate as needed med for panic attacks#âŚ#TELL ME HOW I MIXED THEM UP YESTERDAY#AND TOOK THE AS NEEDED MED TWICE BEFORE REALIZING#bro i felt like a robot#a tired#dumb#robot#:â)
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Got prescribed a new anti nausea medication to manage my health bullshit while we continue trying to diagnose it and I took the first dose today since I wasnât feeling great (itâs a take-as-needed thing) and. Iâm not feeling nauseous right now but I do have literally every other symptom that tends to go along with the nausea (weird temperature swings, fatigue, dizziness, brain fog, etc) which are apparently all common side effects of this medication. So maybe itâs working as intended?? But Iâm so incredibly anxious because usually when I have this set of symptoms it means my nausea is about to get really bad.
#I hate this so much#Iâm hoping that it is just the medications normal side effects and not something else#but also if Iâm gonna feel like this every time I take this med idk if itâs worth it#Iâve had a hectic couple of days so it is possible that Iâm just feeling like this because of that#but god I feel kinda awful#Iâm watching totoro with my partner cause itâs one of the few ghibli movies I havenât seen yet but#itâs so hard to keep my eyes focused on the subtitles so I keep missing stuff#god Iâm so tired of this health bullshit#I had my long awaited appointment with a specialist and other than prescribing me this new med#which sucks so far#they just ordered repeats of several of the tests Iâve already had done#and a couple new ones but Iâm not super hopeful#I have a follow-up appointment in three months#at which point I will have been having these symptoms for over a year#and Iâm just so tired of it#god Iâm so fucking tired of it#the being of chaos speaks#health tw
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doctor apt was shit but the ladies at the desk were cool and set us up for a better, nicer doctor next month so. we'll see how that goes but i can say i've never been so fucking flabbergasted in my life at the bullshit coming from a doctor's mouth and with the amount of medical trauma we have that is seriously saying something.
#mine#medical trauma//#not a soul in the medical field is ever fucking learning we're a system when we get the amount of bs we do#for having one of the most common mental disorders & taking the most common prescription for it.#the amount of misinformation MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS spew abt adhd is genuinely horrifying beyond our comprehension#i do not even wanna think abt the amount of bullshit we'd have to deal with for pursuing a professional dissociation disorder my fucking go#she rly said u dont need ur adhd meds every day#i have patients i give 30 day prescriptions to that last them 3-6 months!#& we were just. sitting there. utterly horrified.#how are u even a practicing doctor at that point u cannot be serious#she also said she has a policy where she refuses to prescribe controlled substances w/out diagnosis paperwork#which like. whatever thats fine#but we were not told that ahead of time & she proceeded to give us an appointment THREE MONTHS LATER#like.................... literally basically just trying to sign us up as another sacked experiment bitch i do not fucking think so#what the fuck
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took my adderall and finally decorated the wall I've been meaning to for Months :^)
#the three shelves w the leaves were already there but everything else I put up today đ#the moon poster was somewhere else but I'm gonna put my pin board where it was :O#if you're wondering why one of my shelves is almost completely empty. I'm saving it for wwx figure đ#its crazy how when you take the meds prescribed to you to help you focus and stay motivated you..... focus and stay motivated đ¤#I went off my adderall for truly no reason at all and haven't been able to go back on it#because it fucks w my appetite so bad the first few days#and I need to like. eat properly to be at work and everything#so I figured now when I'm off for a month and can have weird eating habits and be a lil hungry#is the perfect time to get reacclimated to it#anyway. decorations make serotonin go đ#ghost posts#image
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Didn't even make it til 10AM without sobbing at my desk this time.
#overachiever to the max#less than an hour at work? Time to SOB!#I fucked up an interaction with my doctor cuz they can't read and I can't pretend to be a sane normal human for two seconds#so I said#Hey the anti anxiety med you prescribed works really well and I do still have several left#but I don't want to be anxious about#like rationing them for fear that I won't get more so can we set it up as a recurring prescription like we had discussed?#and she said âI'm so glad it's working well for you! Happy holidays!â#so I said ���Thank you. So if I need a refill do I call or?â#and she said âYou can always call our office!â#so I called the office to clarify and immediately burst into tears because I am a disaster who hasn't stopped crying for three days#and they were like âdo you... want a refill?â and I blubbered something about just needing to know that I CAN get a refill if/when I need t#so they are going to âCheck with the doctor and let me knowâ#which means that she's going to find out I'm crazy#which probably means she won't give me these again#which means I have 12 to make last for the rest of time because I'm a fucking idiot and broke one trying to half it and it just shattered#because I can't even take pills correctly apparently#also found out yesterday I don't even take BATHS correctly like#jesus christ#can I please for the love of god have one single aspect of my life where I do something right#and am not just a fucked up disaster mess
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PSA for trans men and trans mascs on T who are afraid of/concerned about or experiencing male pattern baldness: Talk to your endocrinologist who monitors your T about hair loss before you talk to anyone else, you have options!
When the hair in the top of my head started to thin, I talked to my regular GP. She told me it should be fine to use Rogaine topically. There were no other options, either because she was somehow not aware OR was under the impression that alternatives might interfere with HRT. If this was the case, she did not relay this info to me, and if she had, I would have made an early appointment with my endocrinologist, who specialises in HRT for trans people specifically, and asked her about my options.
But, since I only have appointments once a year with my endo now because my levels are generally super consistent, I decided to try Rogaine. I lasted about a month, because it basically meant I had to wear a lined hat at all times to make sure I wasn't getting any on my pillow/cats/child. You need to apply it two to three times a day and leave it on your scalp for a couple of hours for the best results, every day, forever, and if you stop using it, your hair goes back to whatever it was up to before that made you concerned in the first place. I quit after a month and resigned myself to eventually going bald.
I finally had a phone appointment with my endo last week (was supposed to be in person but she had an emergency and was working remotely for the day), and when I brought this up and that I had tried Rogaine but couldn't deal with all of the above + my scalp was not reacting well to the alcohol in the foam so I quit, she was like ????? what? why didn't your GP just prescribe you finasteride???
I am now on finasteride! It is a dirt cheap, tiny ass pill. I only need to take a quarter of a pill once a day (my endo also helpfully explained to me that pill cutters exist and are also dirt cheap, so perfectly cutting a pill into quarters takes about 5 seconds and I got it for a whopping $8). Just like Rogaine, I WILL need to take it every day, forever, but it's not going to get all over my pillow and make my cats sick or cause my kid to grow a beard or whatever. It isn't going to dry my scalp out, and it also the cost comparison is a joke. I take it every morning at the same time I take my adhd meds, so it's easy to remember.
I have seen so, so many trans men and mascs online lately worried about this, probably because I've seen so many conservatives and the kind of detrans people that conservatives like to parade around put a lot of emphasis about how T will make you UGLY and make all of your hair fall out. I do feel sorry for any detrans women who are dealing with wonky hairlines or male pattern baldness, but also it sure is convenient that none of them see fit to mention that if you are experiencing those things, you can literally just talk to your endocrinologist about what your options are and then take a quarter of a pill every day to fix it. Almost like making you aware of that might move you away from their end goal, which is getting you to detransition.
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Never in my life did I think that re-tweeting resources for SA, and supporting victims would be considered problematic or performative.
I should not have to bare this, but I'm going to tell just one of my stories, because I need you to understand where I'm coming from. TW // Sexual Harassment
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When I was 15, I had my wisdom teeth removed. I wanted to avoid using the pain medication they prescribed. I struggle a lot with sensory issues, medications and substances made it worse.
However, my surgery was for impacted teeth, and only two days in one of my stitches fell out. I was in so much pain, and couldn't eat solids w/ out pain for up to three weeks.
So, a week into my recovery, one of my friends invites me to their house. They were having our friend group over, it was just a little bonfire get together kinda thing. I took my pain meds a few hours prior, and only half a dose, but I was out of it to some degree, and somehow still in pain.
I was sitting on a lawn chair outside, when one of my close friends came over and asked to sit on my lap. Honestly, I said yes at first, because this was my childhood friend, someone I trusted, and I thought our relationship was incredibly platonic. Then he started to shift/grind about in my lap, and I started to feel things of theirs I did not want to. They made a noise that deeply unsettled me, and I told him to get off, they didn't. It was only when I told them that he accidently triggered the emergency call shortcut on my phone (it was in the pocket of the lawn chair, yes they were moving that much and I was moving trying to push him off) that he finally got up.
I was bewildered, and a bit confused, and also embarrassed that my phone nearly called 911. I claimed I wasn't feeling well, and went home early.
That was the first time someone touched me in a remotely sexual way, but I didn't dare to label it until I talked to my therapist. It made me dwell on a lot of experiences with this person as well. How obsessed they were with being taller than me, how often they'd grab me and force me to see if they were stronger than me. At the time, I was in a friend group of predominately non-men, and they were all friends with this person.
However, when I told them about this, when I expressed the discomfort it brought me. I was brushed off. "He's just like that!" oh "He probably didn't mean it" etc.
I didn't feel comfortable in the same room as this person. My friends would continue to invite them to hang outs. One of my other friends told everyone about what happened without my permission. I started having breakdowns in my classes with him. I had panic attacks all the time. I felt as if I had to continue this façade of being nice to him, or else I would lose my friends of years and years.
I was happy when covid started, because for the first time I had breathing room, but by then so much of my trust was dismantled.
Due to my friends association with this person, and the fact that not being their friend excluded me. I eventually got over it, and told myself I'd grown past it.
Three months ago, this same person admitted to me they hold extreme grudges against me, that they projected their "mommy issues" on to me, and quite literally said the words, "Yeah yeah, you're a woman who's outspoken and challenged me and that bothers me yeah yeah." in regards to that. They said it with sarcasm, like it was something they knew, and their mother was reminding them for the 12th time.
--
I bring this all up, not to make you feel guilty, but to discuss the harm of not supporting victims, not listening to them. It puts them in a position of isolation, and in a position to potentially be hurt again.
So yeah, I'm gonna be a little upset when people say I'm being "performative" about supporting victims of sexual harassment and SA. I'm not doing this because it benefits me, in fact it's caused a lot of backlash, horrible dms, and very triggering memories.
I'm doing it because I was once not heard, and i've sat with Caiti behind the scenes for months watching her lose passion for something she loved (content creation).
I didn't do this because I'm secretly sniveling behind the scenes tapping my fingers praying on peoples downfall. I'm not a Disney villain dude lmfao.
Honestly, this narrative that is being pushed, that people are doing it "because it benefits them" is quite ironic, considering most of the people talked about within the last 72 hours were under Wilbur's weird ass apology doing just that.
I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I hate how people are okay with this narrative, the misogynist undertones of it. I've seen people admit that they didn't like me or my friends the entire time, while simultaneously "calling us out" about this, so I ask you,
Are you calling us? Because it benefits your motives? Your feelings?
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POTS Medication Vocabulary
after about the third time a doctor prescribed a medication that made my POTS drastically worse, and about three doctors visits past giving up on being an easy patient, i started asking my doctors the following questions whenever they prescribed a new long term medication:
is this medication a hypotensive? (will this medication lower my blood pressure?)
does this medication have a risk of tachycardia? (can this medication raise my heart rate?)
is this medication a diuretic? (will this medication dehydrate me?)
can this medication cause hyponatremia? (will this medication cause my body to lose salt?)
your doctor likely doesnât know all of this off the top of their head for every medication, but they should know the most common adverse reactions. some may simply tell you they have no clue. i still think itâs worth asking to force them to consider these mechanisms.
for additional consideration:
your pharmacist likely knows the answers to these questions better than your doctor does.Â
an additional list of types of drugs which should be avoided is available here, in the table on the fourth page. (note that propranolol, a beta blocker, is often prescribed for POTS but is discouraged by this paper. as someone whose taken it, itâs worth trying to see if it will improve symptoms, but didnât for me. Additionally, these are just guidelines, and in those with, for example, both hEDS and POTS, the benefits of opiates for pain relief may be worth the risk of worsening POTS.)
regardless of what the doctor says, I always look up the FDA info sheet before taking a medication. these can be found pretty easily on google (your med + âfda pdfâ), and list most of the adverse effects. Iâm happy to make a post about reading these info sheets.
thereâs a reason prescribing medication is left to those with years of medical training - itâs a complicated and difficult process. but oftentimes those who do this work are so overworked and burnt out, they donât have the ability to read someoneâs entire medical file, or be aware of an adverse event that only affects those with an uncommon condition. I find asking these questions forces my doctors to think about my chronic conditions, and after so many adverse events, I always check a medication for myself before taking it.Â
remember that you can and should refuse to take a medication that is making your life worse or harming you. even pediatric patients have the right to refuse a medication, and often times, Iâve found nothing other than a very firm âno, I refuseâ will get a doctor to consider other options. and even though its against the norm, remember that you have the right to ask your doctor why theyâve chosen that medication for you.
as always, feel free to ask questions, they make my day!
#i have intense opinions on the usage of propranolol#also your doctor will not like being asked these questions#i did this to one once and their eyes got as big as dinner plates#then they ran out of the room presumably to google things or ask their supervisor#that medication did work for me tho#i also dont usually ask for short term medications or extremely common ones#ie like antibiotics#salt baby talks#pots#Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome#dysautonomia#ableism#disability
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Hey sweetheart! You take requests at the moment? I'm currently healing from surgery (ow) and I just want some fluffy Eddie fussing over me/reader
One fluffy blurb, coming right up! I hope you get well soon đĽ°
Warnings: Reader is recovering from surgery, mention of prescribed medication, mention of spicy activities, Eddie is a big ol' mush of a boyfriend
WC: 750
--
The sound of a handbell clanging has Eddie up from the sofa in a heartbeat. Heâs learned your communication system over the last few days: one ring means you want some company, two means youâre hungry or need to use the bathroom, and three indicates an emergency.Â
This was a three-ring.Â
âSweetheart?â Thereâs no camouflaging the alarm in his voice as he pushes into the bedroom. He finds you propped up against the pillows, book in hand. âWhatâs the matter? Are you dizzy again?â
You shake your head. âCould you get me a snack?â The doctor advised against taking the pain medication on an empty stomach, and you had no intention of breaking that rule. âMaybe some pretzels? Or a slice of toast with jelly?â
Eddieâs shoulders sag with relief. âYou rang the bell three times,â he explains, soft irritation clipping his words. âI thought something was wrong.â
Glancing at the bell tucked against your thigh, you frown. âNo, I only rang it twice. Or, waitâŚshit, I did ring it three times.â You exhale, sliding your bookmark between the pages and offering an apologetic smile. âIâm sorry. I didnât mean to worry you.â
âSâokay.â He plops down onto the bed, careful not to jostle your elevated leg. âJustâŚgive me a sec to get my heartrate back down to normal.â Hand to his chest, he takes deep, exaggerated breaths that have you giggling.Â
âI mean, I could find something urgent,â you tease. âMaybe Iâll try walking without the crutches, or I can take out my stitchesâŚâ
Eddieâs nose wrinkles in a combination of disbelief and disgust. âBullshit,â he counters.Â
âBullshit?â
âBull. Shit.â He grins, gently poking your bicep. âYou got all queasy that time you had to pull out a splinter, and you expect me to believe you can remove your own stitches?â
You let out a defeated groan. âUgh, fine.â He knows you too well, and you love him for it.Â
He gives you a triumphant kiss on the cheek and starts towards the kitchen. âAnything else the fair maiden needs while Iâm up? More water? Ginger ale? Perhaps some champagne and caviar?â His eyes light up mischievously at the last suggestion.Â
âIâm not supposed to drink on these meds,â you quip, playing right into his charade.Â
âWeâll take a raincheck on the champagne, then.â
You shift back slightly, wincing as pain shoots through your leg. The surgery hurt more than the injury, and part of you wishes you had just muddled through and hobbled around instead of getting it fixed.Â
Eddie returns a few minutes later with toast thatâs just the right shade of burnt and slathered in strawberry jelly. He has a glass of water in his other hand, though you hadnât asked for any.Â
He places both on the snack table heâs set up next to the bed before reaching over and grabbing the bell. He rings it one time, loud and purposeful.Â
âCan I help you?â
Nodding, he sits down. âIâm bored and need someone to talk to.â He rests his head on his pillow and pouts. âEntertain me?â
âThereâs not much going on here.â You shrug, scanning the room for a conversation topic. Heâs been taking care of you nonstop, and surgery recovery doesnât exactly make for riveting discussions. Your eyes land on a magazine. âI read some interesting articles in Cosmo, I guess.â
âOh, yeah?â Eddie waggles his brows. âAnything spicy?â
You flip to an article that provides explicit details on giving the perfect blowjob and point to the page. âThis one was pretty raunchy.â
He studies it just long enough to read the headline before tossing it aside. âYou donât need any help with that. Trust me.â He smirks knowingly. âYou probably couldâve written that article yourself.â
âGood to know.â Exhaling, you look over at him. âYou can go hang out with the guys if you want. Or they can come over here, as long as theyâre not too loud.â
You expect him to jump at the offer; anything to cure his bout of boredom, but he declines. âNah, Iâm good right here.â He snatches up the magazine once more and thumbs through it. âBesides, I need to find out what color palette matches my skin tone.â
âEddieââ
He cuts you off with his pointer finger. âShhh. This is life-changing stuff, Sweetheart. I mean, what if IâmâŚan âautumn,â but Iâve been wearing âwinterâ this whole time?â His face contorts in mock horror. âTalk about tacky.âÂ
âYouâre ridiculous.â
âYou love it.â
You absolutely do.Â
--
#eddie munson#stranger things fanfic#fanfic#stranger things#eddie stranger things#eddie munson x reader#eddie munson fanfic#eddie munson x you#eddie munson stranger things#eddie munson x y/n
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broken bones [volturi kings]
description: Hii! Can you write poly volturi kings with a mate who broke her arm because i broke mine recently and i feel like shit. Thank you and you dont have to do this if you dont want to <33
requested by: anon
warnings: none
A heavy sigh escaped your mouth when the door to your shared rooms was opened, signaling the arrival of your three mates yet again. Don't get me wrong - you loved your kings with every piece of you but sometimes they were very, very overbearing.
You had only broken your arm, it wasn't like you were on your death bed!
While you couldn't say you didn't appreciate them and their constant care, you were still capable of doing most things, since thankfully your non-dominant arm was the one injured.
And still, when they each came into view carrying various things, you couldn't help but smile. Marcus was carrying an ice pack, having been told from the doctor that icing it at least once a day was good for the healing. Caius had a book in his hand as he had been set on keeping you company since the incident had occurred and reading to you was a favorite pastime of both of you. And Aro was carrying a glass of what seemed to be your favorite drink, as well as the pain killers you had been prescribed.
"I love you all." You cooed at them, not being able to help the way your heart warmed when they beamed back at you. "I really, really do."
"We love you just as much, my dear." Marcus leaned over you to place a kiss on your head before very gently lifting your arm off the pillow it was resting on to set the ice down. You set your cast back on top of the ice, thanking your mate as you did.
"You know you really don't have to do this for me." You told them as you took the glass from Aro as well as the pills. "I appreciate all your help but I do have one working arm."
"Very true, but you need all the rest you can get in order to heal." He told you, nodding in approval after you swallowed your meds. You held your glass close to you, savoring the taste of your favorite drink.
"And it gives us an excuse to spend a little extra time with you." Caius pointed out as he cuddled up next to you on the sofa and pulled your blanket around you tighter before he opened the book. "So quit your complaining and enjoy our company."
You couldn't help the laugh that bubbled out of you and you motioned for Aro and Marcus to join you on the couch with Caius. You reached to each of them to plant kisses on their cheeks before settling back down. "I'd never dare."
#twilight#twilight imagine#twilight x reader#twilight oneshot#volturi#marcus volturi#caius volturi#aro volturi#caius volturi x reader#aro volturi x reader#marcus volturi x reader#volturi kings imagine#volturi kings#volturi kings x reader
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Boston Bears: Off-Limits - Rugby Player!Chris x Reader (Part 10)
Summary: After the eventful weekend that was the championship final, you and Chris talk about your relationship and attend the end-of-season party together as a couple. But will everything be okay with your dad?
Word Count: 6.7k
Warnings: Fluff! Angst! Mention of Panic Attacks! Language! SMUT! 18+ ONLY! MINORS DNI!
Rugby Explained
Dividers by Me!
Series Masterlist / Masterlist
Chapter 10
It was late at night that the hospital discharged Chris, he was still so drowsy from the painkillers that he slept the entire car journey back to his house. You sat in the back with Chris as Lisa drove the both of you. You and Lisa had tried to get Chris to sit in the front, but despite being pretty out of it, he was adamant that he wanted to be next to you. So you sat in the back, right next to him holding his hand as he rested his head against yours.Â
Scott was waiting for the three of you when you got to the house âThought you two might struggle to get a 6ft rugby player into the bedâ he reasoned as he helped get the semi awake Chris out of the car.Â
You watched nervously as Scott draped Chrisâ uninjured arm over his shoulder and patted him on the cheek to wake him up a bit more before helping him to the door which Lisa had already opened.
Thankfully between the three of you, you managed to get Chris into bed without hurting him any more than he already was. He was snoring before his head hit the pillow, you didnât blame him, it had been a long day and he didnât even know the half of it.
âI can look after him, you guys get some rest itâs pretty lateâ you sighed glancing at the clock to see it was past midnight.
âAre you sure? He can be a pretty awful patientâ Lisa warned with a small smirk.
You gave her a small chuckle âI donât doubt that, but Iâm good I wouldnât be a good medic orâŚâ you started before realising that you still didnât know exactly what you were to Chris âUm if I didnât stick aroundâ you finished.
âOkay but Iâll leave my number in case you need to call for backupâ she smiled softly, putting her hand on your shoulder.
âThank youâ you smiled.
Once Lisa and Scott left you set about getting yourself ready for bed because you were exhausted, mentally and physically. You found the spare toothbrush you always used on the occasion you stayed here and one of Chrisâ tops to sleep in. You then grabbed a glass of water and the meds the doctor prescribed for Chris ready for when he needed them before carefully climbing into bed next to him.
You let out a long sigh as you rested your cheek into your hand against the pillow and just watched Chris as he slept. Today had felt so long, it didnât seem right that the call you had with Tommi had only been that morning. So much had changed and happened since then. You now knew you loved Chris and that he loved you too. Your dad knew about you and Chris. Chris now had 1 less working shoulder thanks to Bryce.Â
Yet there were still so many unanswered questions. Would you and your Dad be okay? What would he say when heâs finally ready to talk? Whatâs next for you and Chris? Would you be in a committed relationship? Were you already in one since you admitted how you both felt?
It was enough to make your head hurt.Â
You rolled onto your back and stared up at the ceiling, your mind too wired to fall asleep. A blue glow then lit up the room as your phone buzzed on the bedside table. You instantly grabbed it hoping it was your dad texting to say everything was okay. After your mom's passing, he never liked going to bed still mad.Â
You sighed in disappointment when you saw Tommiâs name instead.
Tommi: I understand youâre probably busy following what happened to Chris but please check in to say youâre alive and okay
Tommi had texted you during the match after she found out what happened to Chris, but you hadnât found the time to get back to her.
You: sorry, alive but not sure about okay
Tommi: is Chris okay?
You: heâll be okay, got a broken collarbone and dislocated shoulder but heâs fast asleep and high on painkillers next to me so all good
Tommi: thatâs good, it looked really nastyÂ
Your eyebrows rose in surprise.
You: you watched?
Tommi: no, saw a clip online, you looked really shaken.
You: it was horrific, but thatâs just the start of itâŚ
Tommi: Okay, what else happened
You spent the next half an hour or so texting with Tommi telling her everything that had gone down. Feeling much better for getting it off your chest.
Tommi: Iâm sorry that shit with your dad must really suck, but focus on the positives. You love Chris and he loves you, Iâm sure as soon as heâs awake and not high heâll ask you to be his girlfriend, he probably already considers you his girlfriend
You: I hope so
Tommi: and donât worry about your dad, you guys are so close youâll work it out, itâs probably just a big shock that he needs to get his head around first
You: yeah, I just hate being in an argument with him
Tommi: I know but itâll be fine I promise, now get some rest I know itâs really late on the East Coast
You: I will thank you for being here for me
Tommi: Iâll always be here
Tommi: before you goÂ
Tommi: what happened to Ari? I saw he got into a brawl following the tackle
You let out a small huff of laughter, shaking your head, Tommi clearly didnât dislike Ari as much as she said.
You: heâs fine, a split lip and knuckles but Bryce saw the worst of it
Tommi: glad to hear it
You smiled softly, wondering if she was glad to hear about Ari or Bryce as you put your phone away. You rolled back over to face Chris and watched him again, smiling to yourself as you looked at the man you loved. Falling asleep soon after.
To your relief, you didnât wake in the night with one of your panic attacks like you expected you would. Instead, you woke up to the sound of Chris groaning and shifting beside you.
You woke with a start as soon as you heard him, a quick glance at the time told you it was 10 am so at least he managed to sleep through the night too. You looked over at him to see he was definitely in some discomfort as he woke.
âHey, you alright? Do you want some painkillers?â You asked sitting up.
Chris blinked a couple of times before rubbing his eyes with one hand âOh heyâ he muttered before glancing around and frowning âI donât remember coming homeâ
You chuckled softly âIâm not surprised, you were half asleep and pretty out of it thanks to the painkillers they gave you at the hospitalâ you explained as you helped him sit up, as you grabbed the painkillers and water for him you started to worry that maybe he didnât remember anything from the hospital âdo you remember much?â You asked as you passed him the painkillers.
Chris swallowed back the painkillers and down half of the glass before speaking âUm not too muchâ he admitted âI remember waking up on the pitch in agony but then it was a blur, then I remember being in the hospital with Maâ he recalled before a lopsided grin grew on his face âI remember you telling me you love me if thatâs what youâre askingâ
You bit your lip to hold back a smile before ultimately failing âMaybeâ
âUm I also remember a nurse hitting on me but I told her to back off because I love you insteadâ he recalled looking proud of himself.
You laughed dropping your head âChrisâŚâ you started.
âYeah?â
âThat nurse was me,â you told him.
He blinked a couple of times before laughing himself âOh shit I really was out of it, I donât remember anything else, did anyone else visit besides you and Ma?â
âAhâ you muttered nibbling your lower lip âmy dad was there with me tooâ
âOhâ Chris hummed in surprise, his face falling with realisation a second later âOhâ
âYeahâŚ.â You said slowly knowing what conclusion Chris has reached.
He ran his hand down his face âshit Y/N Iâm so sorry I had no clueâŚ. Did he take it well?â
You shifted slightly recalling exactly what went down âItâs okay you donât have to apologise he worked it out before you admitted it,â you told him, Chris furrowed his brows in confusion âThe mic to my radio pack was on so the entire coaching and medical team heard me call you sweetheart and you call me babe, after the match he pulled me into his office to get some answersâÂ
Chris reached out to take your hand, this thumb running back and forth soothingly âIâm guessing that didnât go wellâÂ
You took a deep breath âNo he said I was stupid for dating another rugby player after Bryce especially after he told you guys I was off limits, I told him that you were different, that Iâd told you stuff about Bryce that I hadnât even told him and that I loved youâ you told him âhe told me it was still a mistake and that I should end things before you hurt me and I agreedâ
Chris blinked a couple of times âWait hold up are you-â he started, panic clear in his voice.
âNo, no, no Iâm not I promise, Iâm not gonna end things, not now, not everâ you promised him making Chris breathe out a deep sigh of relief âI actually want us to be more⌠serious⌠a real committed relationship,â you said hesitantly.
Chris smiled âGood, because I want that too, I have for a whileâ he admitted âWhat changed? Why didnât you end it like you promised?â
You smiled softly âYou told me you loved me, he said he couldnât expect me to end things now, but I think heâs still mad at me,â you said your smile dropping, âhe told me to leave him alone until he was ready to talkâ you sighed.
Chris sighed sympathetically âIâm so sorry sweetheart, I wished this all came out differentlyâ
âItâs okay⌠I just hope me and my dad will be okay, I hate fighting with himâ you sighed.
âI know, but weâll work it out, I bet by the end-of-season dinner in a couple of weeks youâll be back to normalâ Chris promised.
âYou think so?â You asked, uncertain.
Chris smiled softly âI know so, now câmere I wanna hold the woman I loveâ he said holding out his arm.
You chuckled as you shifted closer into his embrace careful not to accidentally hurt him. Chris pressed a soft kiss to the top of your head as he held you close.
A few minutes of peaceful silence passed when Chris suddenly asked âWhereâs Dodger?âÂ
âOh heâs at your sisterâs, your mom thought it would be better so he didnât jump up and hurt you while you were still out of itâ you explained.
He nodded âProbably for the best, can we pick him up later though?â
âI can probably ask your mom or Scott to bring him around now if you want?â You offered.
âThat would be nice, but I want to celebrate the win with you, my gorgeous girlfriend, firstâ he smirked.
You instantly caught on to what he meant, tilting your head âIâm not sure that's a good idea with your shoulderâ you point out.
Chris smirked as he climbed out of bed and turned to face you âAs the playmaker I know how to get inventiveâ You watched as he knelt down on his knees beside the bed âNow lose your underwear, and sit hereâ he smirked patting the edge of the bed in front of him.
You bit your lower lip, part of you knew it was a bad idea but a much larger part really wanted it too. Chris was a drug and even if you knew better, you were hooked.
You quickly did as you were told and moved to where Chris wanted you, spreading your legs wide so he had enough space and wouldnât risk bumping his shoulder against you. You watched as his tongue poked out to wet his lips as he looked up at you with hooded eyes. The look of Chris between your thighs was one of your favourite sights, and from this vantage point, it looked spectacular.
Chris leant in and started pressing wet kisses up your thighs, switching back and forth, making the journey painfully slow. You were arching for him already and couldnât wait for him to get to the end destination.Â
When his lips finally ghosted over your core you let out a breathy gasp, leaning back on your hands as your back arched. Chris groaned in response before diving in like a man starved, using the arm he could use to pull you closer.
âFuck Chrisâ you moaned, a hand moving to his head, fingers running through his hair as this beard scratched your inner thighs.
âGod I love youâ he moaned against you.
âI love-â you started but you cut yourself off with a loud moan as your orgasm rolled through your body.
Chris worked you through it, not letting up until you had collapsed onto your back. Your chest heaved as you caught your breath, you looked over when the mattress dipped beside you. Chris smiled back at you lazily as he lay beside you.
You rolled over to face him, pushing up onto your elbow âI love you tooâ you finished as you leant down to kiss him.
As much as you wanted Chris to be right and for your dad to get in contact with you before the end-of-season party, he didnât. Chris tried to reassure you and encouraged you to make contact first but you refused. Your dad barely asked you for anything, the least you could do was give him the time he asked for. Even if it did hurt you.
You were standing doing Chrisâ tie for him but you were struggling to focus only able to snap into the present when Chris put his hand over yours âWhatâs wrong sweetheart?â He asked softly.
I sighed looking down at the floor âIâm not sure I should go tonightâ you admitted.
Chris cupped your cheek and tilted your head back so you were looking up at him âItâs gonna be okayâ he reassured you.
âNo itâs going to be awkward and awful, Iâm supposed to be sitting next to himâ you pointed out with a sigh.
When the end-of-season party was planned you and Chris were still a secret so he said no to a plus one and you were placed next to your dad on the seating plan.
âMaybe heâs waiting to talk to you then, he might think youâre upset with him tooâ Chris suggested, shrugging his uninjured shoulder.
âHe wonât want to talk about this sort of thing in publicâ you said with a shake of your head, your dad was a private man who hated being the centre of attention.
âMaybe we can do a little bit of seat swappingâ he suggested.
âI dunno itâs a lot of hassle for my sakeâ you sighed âI should just-â
Chris leant down and shut you up with a kiss âNothing is a hassle when it comes to youâ he said âLook we might be overthinking the whole thing so letâs put this gorgeous dress to useâ he said nodding down at the blue dress you wore âweâll go, weâll sit where weâre told to sit and if you need to move, you come straight to me and weâll sort it out, you can sit on my lap if you really wantâ he suggested wiggling his eyebrows.
You sighed and nibbled your lip in thought before glancing up at him. He gave you a pleading look with puppy dog eyes that could rival Dodgerâs and before you knew it your resolve was melting away.
âOkay, hopefully it wonât be as bad as we thinkâ you relented.
Chris grinned as he dipped down to kiss you âPerfect, I canât wait to show you off as mineâ
You chucked âWell letâs get this tie sorted firstâ you said returning your attention back to his tie âThere we go, perfectly handsomeâ you grinned smoothing it down.
âThank you sweetheart, youâre definitely the best and sexiest nurse Iâve hadâ he smirked making you roll your eyes.
The car soon arrived to take you to the hotel where the end-of-season party was being held. Chris wasnât going to be drinking because of his painkillers but he couldnât drive either. You had offered to drive but Chris said you should celebrate too.
You couldnât help but smile when the two of you walked in hand in hand, you didnât realise how refreshing it would be to not have to hide anymore. You could show the world just how much you loved Chris.
Chris guided you through the room towards the table he was supposed to be sitting at, as you went you glanced around to see if your dad was here yet but you hadnât spotted him. You did spot Sam and the other ticket office mean girls who were all glaring daggers at you, something that made you smirk to yourself.
When you got to the table Chris was given a warm greeting by Jensen, Johnny, and Ari. Even Curtis gave him a gentle pat on his uninjured shoulder.
âGood to see you capâ Ari smiled âCan I get you a drink?â
Chris shook his head âCanât, painkillers, Y/N will have a beer thoughâÂ
âOn itâ Ari winked before moving off towards the bar.Â
Johnny walked over to you with a smile âLooking hot Y/N Iâm almost regretting not getting to you before Evans didâ he smirked.
âBack off Stormâ Chris warned pulling you closer into his side.Â
You rolled your eyes at Chrisâ possessiveness, even if you did secretly love it.
âCareful storm weâve already seen what he did to Langleyâ Ari said as he returned and passed you your drink.Â
âHe had it comingâ Chris grumbled âStill does, he better look out the next time we play the Lionsâ
âI think weâve all decided to hit him hard next time, nobody gets away with illegally tackling our captainâ Jensen promised, Curtis grunted in agreement.Â
âJust keep it legal, you guys cause the medical team enough headaches as isâ you chuckled.
As the guys kept chatting you glanced around and finally spotted your dad. He was stood talking to Andy, hands deep in his trouser pockets as he nodded along to whatever Andy was saying. You hoped that he would look over but he didnât. Your fists clenched by your side, you bet he knew you were looking over, your dad always had a good sense for that sort of thing, and yet he was still clearly angry enough to completely ignore you.
âLooks like they want us all to sit downâ Jensen said nodding over to the hotel staff who were getting ready to bring the food out.Â
You swallowed nervously âI better get to my seat thenâ you muttered.
âItâll be fineâ Chris promised, pressing a gentle kiss to the top of your head.
âWhere you going? Your seat is right hereâ Johnny said as you went to step away.
âNo Iâm supposed to sit with my dadâ you sighed gesturing over your shoulder with your thumb.
âNo look,â Johnny said lifting up one of the name tags âYouâre here between Chris and Ariâ
âOhâ you muttered unsure what to think.Â
âThatâs a good sign,â Chris said as the two of you sat down âMaybe heâs okay with me and youâÂ
âOr a really bad one, what if the idea of just sitting next to me was too much to bearâ you pointed out with a heavy sigh.Â
You glanced over your shoulder again towards your dad who now had Andy sat next to him instead of you. He finally looked over at you, his expression unreadable as he looked away again. You let out a heavy sigh as you turned back around.Â
âDonât let this spoil your eveningâ Chris murmured as he leant in and whispered in your ear âThis whole evening is supposed to be a celebrationâ
You nodded your head âIâll tryâ you sighed.Â
âThatâs all I can ask forâ Chris smiled softly as he kissed the side of your head.Â
The dinner was soon served which gave you a good distraction from everything, especially since you couldnât help but chuckle at how quickly the boys all devoured their meals. You wouldnât blame anyone for thinking they had been starved but you knew this was just how they were. Chris was the only one who was a bit slower since he only had one arm to work with.
In between courses, you noticed Ari looking down at his lap with a deep frown on his face. More specifically he was frowning at his phone which he was keeping mostly out of sight underneath the table.Â
âEverything okay?â You asked quietly.
He quickly pocketed his phone and looked over at you âAll goodâ he said with a lopsided grin that didnât meet his eyes.
âAri-â you started, knowing something wasnât right.
âI have to say Iâm glad you guys are finally out in the open, we were all wondering when the secret would get outâ he interrupted making your jaw drop.
âYou knew?â You gasped quickly looking over at Chris who looked just as shocked. At least that meant he wasnât the one who squealed âJohnny!â You complained.
Johnny held his hands up âI didnât say anything I swear!â He defended.
âWe all worked it out, you guys were pretty subtle but we werenât obliviousâ Jensen explained.
âYeah I saw you whispering sweet nothing during our lunchâ Ari smirked.
âThought you were too busy getting shot down to noticeâ Chris shot back, making Ariâs brows flatten.
âI was not shot downâ he grumbled.Â
âWait did all of you guys seriously know this entire time?â You asked pointing around at all of them âEven you Curtis?â You asked when you realised he hadnât said anything.
Curtis let out an offended grunt âYou really thought I fell for your excuse in LA?â
Chris groaned pinching the bridge of his nose and shook his head, while you pursed your lips together remembering the rambling mess Chris had become when Curtis caught him leaving your room.
âEven Andy knewâ Johnny chucked.
Your eyes bulged, you assumed he found out at the same time as your dad. Not that he already knew âwhat?â You squeaked.
âHe grilled us on it when your dad wasnât around one gym session, he wasnât initially pleased considering the warning your dad gave us but he said heâd keep it quiet since Chris was playing better than ever and he wasnât gonna screw with thatâ Jensen explained.
âReally?â Chris asked surprised.
âWeâre superstitious guys, we werenât gonna mess with your new good luck charm,â Ari said shrugging his shoulders.
âWell thanks, I thought we were hiding it pretty wellâ Chris chuckled shaking his head.
âYou guys were so obvious! I mean you couldnât take your eyes off her!â Johnny laughed.
âDonât forget that water bottle stuntâ Ari pointed out.Â
âAnd ditching us at the barâ Jensen added.
You sat back in your chair shaking your head in disbelief as the three of them continued to rattle off times you had been less than discrete. Even Curtis chimed in occasionally. Had you really been that obvious? You were surprised that you hadnât been caught earlier if that was the case.
You looked over at Chris who looked just as shocked and dumbfounded as you. Your eyes met and before you knew it you were laughing and you couldnât stop. The absurdity of it all sinking in. Maybe you should have been straight up and honest with your dad from the beginning, it was a miracle it took him so long to notice.
Eventually, the guys all calmed down and the conversation moved away from you and Chris. Just in time for the meal to end and the ceremony part of the dinner to start. Which began with your dad giving a speech to everyone, you watched as he got up from his seat and walked over to the small stage and lectern. The championship trophy on a pedestal next to him, along with the other awards that would go out tonight.
Your dad let out a long almost dramatic like sigh as he rested his hands on the edge of the lectern and shook his head âWell that match was one hell of a way to end the season, took me back to the good old daysâ he started earning a low chuckle from everyone âthis season didnât start well, we were on the back foot a lot of the time, after Christmas break we came back fighting but the scoreboard was still a lot closer than I would have liked but then something changed in the springâ he said his gaze shifting to you for a split second âand all of sudden we werenât just winning, we were blazing aheadâÂ
He chuckled to himself when Johnny called out âhell yeah! Never count the bears outâ he hooted.
Your dad looked over at the trophy next to him before speaking again âI want to thank everyone here in this room for getting us this, you all played a part no matter how small of a part it was, its was game changing, I know if it wasnât for you guys the boys would just be a bunch of guys running around and not a teamâ he continued earning another laugh âAnd boysâ he said directly to the team âI think of you lot like family, like my sons, even if you do cause me enough stress to go greyâ he chuckled running his hand through his hair which had yet to go grey just yet âbut I am extremely proud of you all, you deserved this win more than anyone else in the leagueâ he smiled pausing as everyone applauded the team âitâs a testiment to how well you work as a team that even when you lose your leader in the first 15 minutes of a match, you powered onâ he continued nodding to Chris âand since he spent the rest of the day high on painkillers I would like to invite our captain up to finally lift the trophyâÂ
Chrisâ eyes widen slightly as you exchanged a glance. You gave him an encouraging nod, despite everything with your dad you werenât gonna stop him from having this moment.
Chris cleared his throat as he stood up from his seat and made his way towards the stage. When he got there he shook your dadâs hand but you could see the nervousness and tension in his shoulders.
âChris you are a player and man that I admire, this win was a testament to your leadership,â your dad said making Chrisâ head dip bashfully âWhen I watch you play it makes me wish I wasnât retired and playing alongside you because what you do with that ball is magicalâ he continued shaking his head with a warm smile on his face âIâve coached you since we were a kid just out of the academy, Iâve watched you grow from a party animal that could rival Storm to a well-rounded gentleman who I would trust with my most precious possessionâ
âShould I be offended?â Johnny muttered but you werenât paying any attention to him.
You were too busy listening intently to your dad, biting your lower lip to stop it from wobbling.Â
âSpeaking of which, should we lift this bad boy together?â He asked Chris nodding to the trophy.Â
Chris smiled, glancing out at you before nodding his head. Both you and him knew that your dad didnât mean the trophy. He meant you. Despite not hearing from him in two weeks, this was him giving his blessing. Everything was going to be okay.
âIt would be my honour sirâ Chris smiled before moving to stand one side of the trophy.Â
Your dad stood on the other side âDrum roll pleaseâ he said.
The entire room filled with the sound of people drumming their hands against their legs and the tables. The silverware and glasses clattering. All culminating in a large cheer when Chris and your dad lifted the trophy above their heads. The room exploded, the rest of the team jumping up from their seats and cheering loudly like they would on the pitch, you joining them.Â
You were laughing and clapping as loud as you could, letting out a few cheers too. Your voice not completely cooperating since you were trying and failing to stop yourself from crying happy tears. Chrisâ eyes met yours from across the room, he smiled brightly back at you before mouthing âI love youâ to you.Â
You were wiping away your tears as they put the trophy back down and before you knew it he was rushing over to you. He wrapped his arm around you and tilted you back as best as he could before kissing you deeply. You smiled into the kiss, one arm wrapped around his shoulders to keep you steady while your other hand cupped his cheek.Â
âYouâre the best trophyâ he murmured against your lips.
The next thing on the agenda was the awards ceremony. Chris walked away with the playerâs player award something that wasnât that surprising following your conversation earlier and the fact that he often gave away his man of the match medal. It was once that was done and the party really started that your dad made his way over to you and asked if you could talk.Â
You squeezed Chris' hand reassuringly before following your dad. He led you out of the main function room and to a balcony that gave you a gorgeous view of Boston Harbour.Â
The two of you stood there for a moment in silence, just admiring the view. All you could hear was the waves crashing against the harbour walls and the clinking of metal. It reminded you of all the times your dad would bring you here as a kid, watching all the boats go in and out. Munching away at a pretzel or an ice cream.Â
âI need to apologiseâ your dad started as he turned to face you.Â
âNo I doâ you said shaking your head âI should have told you much sooner that I was dating Chris I-â you continued.Â
âI should never have said you were off-limitsâ your dad interrupted âand I shouldnât have said all the things I said after the match or at the hospitalâ
âItâs okay you were angry, we all say things we donât mean when weâre angryâ you reassured him with a gentle shake of your head.
âI wasnât angry, shocked but not angryâ he said making your lips part in surprise.
âI thought you were angry, you said to leave you aloneâ you muttered shaking your head in confusion.
Your dad looked back at you apologetically âIâm sorry, I⌠I had a lot to process and a lot of emotions to deal with and Iâm sorry it took so long I did swing by your apartment before coming here but you werenât inâ he sighed.
You nodded your head unable to think of anything to say.
âLookâ your dad sighed âwhen you called me about Bryce I- it broke my heart hearing you in so much pain, I wanted to jump straight on a plane and beat that punk up myself, it killed me that I couldnât protect you from that,â he said his fist clenching in anger âI swore I wouldnât let you get hurt like that againâ
âSo you told the team I was off limitsâ You nodded.
âYes, so when I found out youâd both gone behind my back I was shocked and angry at myself for not protecting you, I knew deep down Chris wasnât the boy I first met anymore but I couldnât take the riskâ he explained âbut then when he turned down that ânurseâ because he loves you I realised I was wrong⌠I saw you two and you reminded me of your mom and me, you already look so much like herâ his voice broke.
You bit your lower lip trying to stop yourself from crying. You hated seeing your dad in pain.Â
âI also realised how upset she would be with me for what I said and tried to make you do, I would have been sleeping on the couchâ he muttered âI promised that I would look after you, I thought Iâd done a good job, I felt so proud that you felt comfortable enough to tell my what Langley had done so when you admitted that you hadnât told me everything, that you had been having panic attacks and that Iâd been so goddamn oblivious to all of this I started to spiral and wonder what else I missed, failedâ
âDadâ you muttered taking a step forward âyou didnât fail at anything, you have been the best dad I could ask for, the fact I was able to tell you anything about what happened with Bryce is a testament to thatâ you reassured him âthe only reason I didnât tell you everything was because I didnât think youâd be comfortable knowing the intimate details of my sex lifeâ your dadâs face scrunched up just at the thought of it âexactly,â you said with a watery chuckle âand like I said I didnât realise I was having panic attacks until the trip to LA, but Iâm sorry I didnât say anything sooner, mom would be so proud of you, youâve been my mom and my dad and I canât thank you enough for what youâve done for me,â you said unable to hold back your tears any longer.
âCâmereâ he sighed softly, opening up his arms.
You immediately accepted his hug. It had only been two weeks but you missed your dad and his hugs so much. His hugs were the best, you always felt safe when he hugged you like he was shielding you from the world.
âIâm so sorryâ he muttered, his voice thick with his own tears.
âItâs okay, I forgive youâ you promised âand thank you for what you said during your speech, it really meant a lot to me and Chris,â you said as you stepped out of the hug.
âItâs okay, I didnât know if youâd be willing to speak to me after everything so thought it would be a good way to say that I gave you my blessing and that I was sorryâ he said with a small smile.
âIt was a great speechâ you smiled.
âThanksâ he smiled bashfully as he looked down at the floor running his hand through his blond hair. He then chuckled shaking his head âI still canât believe I didnât notice it, I canât believe I was so obliviousâ
You laughed, knowing thanks to the guys that he had been very oblivious âYeah you were a bitâ
âOh I know, Barber and some of the guys came to me after I left the hospitalâ he told you.
âThey did? Why?â You asked, surprised.
âThey were worried about what would happen to Chris, they told me that you were Chrisâ good luck charmâ he explained.
âAnd canât mess with a player's good luck charmâ you finished with a knowing smile.
âExactly, and as long as youâre happy, I'm happyâ he smiled âBut just a word of warning, Rugby weddings are crazy and hecticâ
âDad I think you might be getting ahead of yourself thereâ you chuckled.
Your dad gives you a gentle smile and he shakes his head âNo I'm not, I see the way Chris looks at you and it was the same way I looked at your momâÂ
You couldnât help but smile warmly at that because you had never felt this sort of love for someone, even though it was just the beginning you knew Chris was it âSo youâre not gonna give him a hazing at training?â You asked.
âOh no as soon as heâs back to full fitness heâs gonna get the most intense training regime out of all of themâ your dad smirked before glancing over your shoulder âSpeak of the devil, Iâll leave you two lovebirds to itâ he smiled nodding to someone behind you before stepping away.
You turned around to see Chris stood by the door. Your dad said something to him as he passed that Chris nodded in response to. You couldnât hear what Chris said but it looked like he said âWith my life sirâ
âHey,â you smiled as Chris walked over to you.
âHey, it had been a while so I thought Iâd better check if you were okayâ he said as he came to a stop in front of you.Â
âWeâre good, very goodâ you smiled up at him.
âGlad to hear itâ he smiled as he cupped your cheek and kissed you softly âSo Iâm not completely screwed when it comes to next season then?â
You laughed âNot completely, but we better get you fighting fit because heâs not gonna go easy on yaâ you grinned.
âItâs a good thing I have the best medic in the league as my girlfriend thenâ he smirked kissing you again.
âHowâs the party?â You asked nodding back to the party inside.
âNice but it would be better if you were there with meâ he grinned.Â
You laughed âWell take me back inside captainâ you smirked, holding out your hand.
âCertainlyâ Chris took your hand with a grin and led you back into the part and straight to the dance floor where the rest of the team was.Â
You laughed as he spun you around, his hand moving to your hip using it to pull your back against his chest. You grinned over your shoulder at him as you grinded your hips against his, smirking when he quietly groaned.Â
He leant in to whisper in your ear âIf you keep this up Iâm gonna have to find us a closetâ he warned.Â
âWhat if thatâs what I wantâ you smirked.Â
Chris groaned as he pressed a kiss to your shoulder âYou are troubleâ
The two of you continued dancing together, ignoring the whistles and cheers from the boys whenever it got a bit hot. Eventually, the music slowed down and only the couples remained on the dance floor. You turned around to face Chris, draping one arm over his shoulder, your other hand resting on his chest as he wrapped one arm around you. You swayed back and first slowly, smiling warmly up at him.
âYou know, from the moment I met you I knew you were someone specialâ Chris hummed.
âReally?â you asked, surprised even if you did think the same about him.Â
âYeah, from the moment you walked over in your white tee and blue jeans and offered to buy me a drink I was a goner, Iâm surprised I stayed away as long as I didâ Chris smiled softly.Â
âYou remembered what I woreâ you muttered in disbelief.Â
âI remember everything when it comes to youâÂ
âExcept when youâre high on painkillers in the hospitalâ you smirked.Â
Chris threw his head back and laughed loudly âYou got me there, but every other time I rememberâ he smiled.Â
âYouâre very sweet Evans, I donât know what I did to deserve youâ You smiled up at him.Â
âYou did nothing except be yourself, this incredible, brave, amazing woman that I love,â Chris said softly, shaking his head.
âI love you tooâ you smiled reaching up onto your tip toes to kiss him.Â
His hand moved to cup your cheek, keeping your lips against his for as long as possible. So much so that I felt like the entire universe had melted away and there was nothing and no one who could get in the way of you and him.Â
When you eventually pulled away you caught sight of your dad watching, beer in hand, with a soft smile on his face. He raised his beer and nodded his head in a toast to you and Chris and it meant the absolute world to you.Â
A/N: I almost didn't want to put this out because I didn't want to say goodbye to these two but its not a goodbye its a see you later and I hope you enjoyed this first installment to the Boston Bears series!
Sharing is caring so please reblog and leave a comment to really make my day!
This series has no schedule, please donât ask when it will be updated! Same goes for Masterlist, AO3 and Wattpad!
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#niamhwrites#chris evans#boston bears#boston bears series#boston bears: off-limits#rugby player au#chris evans fanfiction#rugbyplayer!chris#chris evans au#chris evans x reader#chris evans x you#chris evans x y/n
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You're So Timeless | Vol. 2
Steve Rogers x Reader
Fandom: MCU
Summary: In 1943, Steve Rogers was visited by his soulmate. He fell hard. Problem is, she was from the future and didnât stick around for long. Now, in the twenty-first century, he finally found her again, except this version of her hasnât met him yet and wonât know heâs her soulmate for another year.Â
Note: So this is a combination of my other two Steve Rogers soulmate AU fics, but lengthened and fleshed out into a full fic. I was literally possessed to write this. I have no other explanation. I really like how it came out. I gave this one chapter headings (I am also going to post it to Ao3) and yes some are Taylor Swift titles. Sorry about that. It takes place roughly around the time Civil War would, but we have managed to avoid the war this time around. I also moved some other characters up the timeline because I think theyâre neat and I said so. Without further ado, please enjoy my new Magnum Opus.
Also Tumblr made me split it into two parts. This is PART 2. Part 1 is linked HERE.
Warnings: Canon-typical violence/injuries, soulmate au, tons of mutual pining, kind of a slowburn but in reverse. Light angst, but a happy ending.
Word Count: 38.7k total (I am not sorry)
Reader Is: Enhanced (forcefields), 24 years old, femaleÂ
The Recovery Period
When you woke up, Steve was there sitting in the infirmary, sleeping. His head was leaning back against the wall, snores deep and quiet. It was dark. You werenât sure how long it had been. You blinked a few times and took a breath, your chest protesting when you did.
The monitor you were hooked to started beeping loudly and Steve awoke, meeting your eyes. He called for Bruce and stood from his chair, approaching the side of your bed. You reached for his hand and he gave it to you immediately, fingers latching onto yours, as though to prove you were awake, that you were alive.
Bruce arrived and gave you the rundown, the grenade, which you remembered, the fact that you had a cracked rib and quite a bit of bruising, but that you had gotten very lucky otherwise. He prescribed you some pain meds and six weeks of rest with a brace before heâd reevaluate.
And at first, it wasnât bad. Sam played a lot of Fortnite with you. You were pretty good at it, surprisingly. Tony had a pretty extensive collection of movies and you had every snack you could ever dream of. You got some reading done, you picked up crochet, and everyone spent a lot of time entertaining you.
Bucky introduced himself. Steve had talked about him a bit before you met him, but the man standing in front of you was a lot quieter than youâd expected, more timid. You figured heâd open up more once he was convinced none of you were scared of him. And you werenât. The dangerous part of him was the Winter Soldier, something Wanda had been working with him to unwind from the depths of his mind.
After a few days, when your pain had toned down a bit, Natasha sat you on a stool in the kitchen and gave your hair a trim, getting rid of the singed ends. Wanda got into the undercover stash in one of the bathrooms and found a few bottles of hair bleach and some blue dye. Steve found the three of you in there with hair shears, and a bowl of mixed blue dye that Wanda was painting onto your freshly bleached ends.
He had no complaints. After all, blue was your color. It was quite a bit shorter, too, but he thought it suited you. He thought everything suited you, to be honest.
You did some online shopping in those first few weeks. Your Avengers allowance was no joke and you had barely touched any of it yet, which meant a new reading chair was well within the budget, a cool round one than you could hang from the ceiling. It was Steve that found you pushing the giant box down the hall when it arrived.
âHey! Woah, are you supposed to be pushing that?â
You froze, turning to face him. âMaaaaybe.â
âAlright, move.â He chuckled, rolling up his sleeves and taking over, pushing it down the hall to your room. âWhat is this anyway?â
âNew reading chair. Itâs really cool, it hangs from the ceiling.â
âAnd you were going to do that part, too?â
âI was gonna figure it out. Maybe use my powers for that part.â
âAh, right. Forgot about those.â
âMe too, honestly. Havenât used them much lately.â
âFor good reason.â He straightened out, the box now sitting in the middle of your room. âHow are you feeling, better?â
âA lot better. Still a little sore, but my bruises are starting to clear up.â You motioned to the brace you had to wear around your middle. âMight be out of this thing before six weeks if I can help it.â
âYeah, well, weâll see what Bruce says.â
âOf course.â You nodded, using a pair of scissors to slice the tape along the top of the box.
Steve opened it up and started taking parts out. You reached for the instructions and sat down next to him on the floor, familiarizing yourself with the process. It didnât look too difficult and it was only a few pieces of hardware.
âIâm gonna go grab some of Tonyâs tools.â He told you, walking towards Tonyâs workroom. He returned a few minutes later with a drill and a screwdriver. âAlright, where are we starting?â
âOkay, so we attach the chair part to the support chains, and then those get screwed into the ceiling. Like this.â You showed him the diagram.
âIâm no handyman, but I think we can figure it out.â He grinned, scooting a little closer to you.
âOh Iâm sure we can.â
It didnât take long. Less than an hour. The two of you talked, joked, laughed. Eventually, you used your powers to hold the thing in place so Steve could screw it into the ceiling. He got off the stepladder and sat in the chair, testing the strength of the chair himself before deciding it was good enough for you. With a smile, he got up and motioned for you to give it a try.
You put the cushions on the chair and sat down, smiling. âIâve always wanted a chair like this.â
âWell Iâm glad I could help that dream come true.â He chuckled. He handed you the book sitting on your desk. âHere, give it a real test.â
âOh good idea.â You chuckled, positioning the book in your hands, curling your legs into your desired reading position. Yep, it worked. And it was pretty comfortable. âNow all I need is a little lamp over here.â
âLet me know when that comes in.â Steve chuckled, thumbs tucked into his pockets. âIâll be here.â
Steve watched you with a soft smile, how happy you were. Maybe someday, he would build other things for you, in a house you shared. A nice little place in the suburbs, or on a farm somewhere, like Clint had made for his wife, Laura. Heâd build you a million reading chairs. Hell, heâd build you a whole library if itâd put that smile on your face.
âYou ever built Legos before?â you asked.
âI donât even know what those are.â
âAlright, weâll fix that. Thereâs a really easy fix to that, actually.â You pulled out your phone, clicked a few links, and then looked back up at him with a smile. âItâs on its way.â
âWhatâs that look for?â
âYou will find out in two to three business days.â
***
By the time your Millennuim Falcon Lego set came in, Steve had been sent on another mission. And while he was gone, the Compound got an unexpected visitor in the form of Scott Lang, who Sam found on the roof and promptly got his ass kicked by while you were sitting at the monitors, one of the only things that you could do with your current injury.
âDonât tell Steve.â
âOh I wonât.â You spun out of your office chair, made a portal to the warehouse, and stepped through it, using your augmented goggles to find the guy, trapping him in a tiny forcefield. Sam came into the warehouse shortly after, looking at the bubble youâd made with interest.
âGot him. Ow!â Something nipped at your ankle and you looked down to find hundreds of ants. âOh FUCK no.â You dropped him and kicked off the ants, making a platform of energy to stand on so they couldnât crawl on you.
âHey man, sheâs injured!â Sam called into the room, looking around for wherever he had gone.
âSorry!â The attacker replied.
And that was the last you saw or heard from him until Sam tracked him down, offering him membership on the team, if he so wanted it. Someone who shrunk could be a great asset on the team. Which is why when he told the rest of you about Hope, someone who did the same but with wings, obviously, she was invited, too.
The team was growing, and as it did, the Compound felt less empty, which was nice, especially when the team was split off doing their own things.
Steve came back shortly after, looking tired. It hadnât been anything too bad, from what youâd heard, but he, Natasha, Clint, and Tony had been gone for a week. Still, the moment he was back, he popped his head into your room.
âHey.â
âWhen did you guys get back?â You asked, looking up from your book, curled up in your reading chair.
âJust now. Um, Iâm gonna take a shower, and thenâŚLegos?â He asked, eyes earnest. You could tell he had been thinking about it the whole time heâd been gone.
âOh absolutely. Iâve got âem ready to go.â
âExcellent. See you in twenty.â He saluted, walking down the hall to his room. You got the massive box of Legos out of your closet and brought it out to the table in the lounge, waiting patiently for Steve, who got out of the shower not that long after, dressed in sweats and a tank-top, still a bit damp from the water.
âTadaaaa~â you said, pushing the box across the table.Â
His eyes lit up as soon as he realized what it was. âWhere did you get this?â
âAmazon.â
âIt comes with Han Solo?â Steve asked, looking at the pictures of the minifigures on the box.
âYeah, of course it does. Comes with Leia, too.â You grinned, opening the box and dealing out instruction manuals, sorting the bags into neat little piles.
âThis is great.â He smiled. âThank you.â
âDonât mention it.â You shrugged. âI owe you one for building my reading chair. Now pay attention; This little orange thing is a Lego separator. Itâll help if you get them stuck together and canât get them apart. Oh, and do not step on them. It will hurt so bad.â
He chuckled. âThanks for the heads-up. So where do we start?â
Catch Me Now
Finally, after what felt like the longest recovery period ever, you were cleared once more for missions and training. However, you didnât have any at the moment. Missions, that was. You were back to training with the others three times a week. Steve had you back on a workout regimen, but he was treating you different, like at any moment your rib might randomly re-crack.
Wanda and Vision got sent off on a mission with Clint, a recruitment mission. Apparently, there was another archer on his radar. A good one. It was his hope that with another archer on the team, he could take a bit of a step back, still be involved when he was needed, but hopefully, heâd be able to spend some more time with his family.
This meant, however, that you didnât have anyone to go to the local theaterâs Hunger Games marathon with. You asked Natasha first, but she was busy looking through some files, working out the details of the coming missions.
âI think Steve is here today. You could ask him if he wants to go.â
You could, you supposed. You felt a lot closer to him, lately. You had been spending a lot of time with him, between the extra training and the Legos. He had custody of the Millennium Falcon set, but heâd given you the Leia minifigure. She was sitting on your desk in your room.
So, with a shrug, you agreed, walking down the hall to Steveâs room and knocking on the door. He and Bucky were in there, talking hushedly about something, but they quieted at the sound of your knuckles against the wood.
The door opened and Bucky looked down at you, smiling when he realized who it was. âOh, hey, (Y/N).â He welcomed you in, shooting Steve a look.
âHey, (Y/N). Whatâs going on?â
âIf youâre busy, I can come back later.â
âOh, no, weâre justâŚcatching up.â Steve said.
âGotcha. So umâŚWanda was supposed to go to a movie marathon with me at the mall today, but she forgot she had to go on that mission, so I was wondering if you wanted to come with? I already bought the tickets.â
âOh, sure. What movies?â
âThe Hunger Games.â
âYeah, absolutely.â Steve nodded. âJust let me get changed.â
âYou can come too, if you want, Bucky. Iâm sure theyâre not sold out.â
âOh, that is alright, (Y/N). Thank you, though. Iâve gotta work myself up to public outings.â He looked between the two of you, a weird sparkle in his eye. âYou two have fun.â
âWill do.â Steve replied, chuckling as his friend left.
You left after, getting changed into the outfit youâd picked out. It was pretty simple: a bleach-dyed Hunger Games shirt, some comfy joggers for the long day ahead, and a pair of slip-on shoes. You grabbed your purse and walked back out to the living room, where Steve was waiting, dressed in his civilian disguise, a baseball cap and glasses. No one would ever recognize him in glasses.
âReady?â
âReady.â You nodded, plucking your keys off of the hook by the door.
âOh, I can drive.â Steve offered.
âOkay.â You agreed, putting your keys back.
He picked up his instead, from the hook next to yours. You walked out and got in Steveâs car, hopping in the passenger seat. The mall was about an hour out. Steve took the backroads, the scenic route. But you didnât have to give him directions. He knew where he was going. After all, it was the same mall where he had met you.
You gazed out the window, watching the trees go by, looking for deer. Steve gazed over at you every so often, thinking about how someday, when you were driving places, heâd be able to reach over and take your hand, bring it to his lips. His heart ached just thinking about it. The next four and a half months couldnât pass quickly enough.
âSo what are these movies about? I keep hearing about them.â He asked, desperate to hear your voice.
âAre you familiar with the dystopian genre?â
âYeah, kinda. Like weird, bad future kinda stuff.â
âExactly. So this one is in a world called Panem, which is supposed to be North America hundreds of years from now. Thereâs twelve districts and a Capitol that rules over them all. Because of a rebellion about seventy-four years earlier, every year, two kids are chosen from each district to battle to the death in an arena.â
âWoah.â
âYeah itâs kind of a lot. Itâs really good, though. Lots of commentary on the United States government. No offense.â
He chuckled. âNone taken. The America I stood for back thenâŚIâm learning it was a different America from the one we live in now. But itâs hard to shake a name thatâs been stuck with you for the better part of a century.â
âWhat would you choose?â
âWhat name?â
âYeah, if you got to choose again, now, what codename would you choose?â
âOh, gosh, I donât know.â He shook his head. âSomething cool. Iâd need help workshopping. And you? If you got to choose again?â
âIâm good with Waypoint. For a while, at least.â You shrugged. âItâs kinda fitting, all things considered.â
âIt is. Suits you.â
âThanks.â You chuckled. âSo how is everything? How is Bucky doing?â
âGood. Theyâre um, scheduling a day to test out hisâŚwhatâre they called, his trigger words? To see if Wandaâs tinkering in his head has been working.â
âOh wow. That sounds like a lot.â
âIt is. Heâs nervous, but he knows it has to be done.â Steve sighed and gave a shrug. âAnd whatever happens, heâs got us to catch him, figure out what comes next.â
âAbsolutely.â You nodded.
Steve pulled into the mall parking lot, following the signs to find the doors closest to the theater. You handed him his ticket, which was printed on shimmery, gold paper, the Mockingjay symbol stamped on in black ink. You reached into your pocket and handed him a length of string with beads on it.
âI made it for Wanda, so it might not fit.â You warned.
He read the words, spaced between orange and black and gold beads. âDistrict 12?â
âItâll make more sense in a bit.â You chuckled and held out your wrist, where the matching one was. âGotta represent.â
âIâll take your word for it.â He slipped the bracelet on, the beads spaced out and stretched around his wide wrist. âSee, fits fine.â
âUh-huh, sure does.â You laughed. âLook, it fits perfectly. You can almost read it.â
âJust about.â He grinned, reaching for the door handle.
âSo, whatâs our cover?â
âWhat?â
âOur cover. We canât be Avengers here.â
âRight, umâŚâ Steve thought for a moment. âYou work at the library. Iâm your boyfriend and you dragged me here, but Iâm very supportive.â
âThe most supportive.â You agreed. âAlright, Iâll play. Letâs go.â
Steve locked up the car, the horn honking as the two of you walked towards the entrance of the mall. You led him upstairs to the movie theater entrance. You checked in with your tickets and the girls at the table gave you your commemorative popcorn tins and cups. Steve went to get the popcorn filled. You stood over by the soda fountains. He returned with a huge grin and a bucket of popcorn.
âLook at this! Theyâre so big now.â
You laughed. âHow big were they before?â
âLittle paper bag.â He chuckled and turned towards the Cocacola Freestyle machine, looking at the buttons with wonder. âAlright what is this?â
âThe future of beverage technology.â You told him, putting ice in your cup and tapping one of the beverage options, opening up all the extra flavors before choosing yours.
Steve poked the Coke button and read over all the options before settling on Cherry Vanilla Coke. He snapped the lid on and put a straw in it, taking a cursory sip. He smiled. âTakes me back.â
âGot that vintage taste?â You asked.
He nodded. âAt the risk of sounding like a commercial, yeah, it does.â
You led Steve to the theater where youâd be spending the entire rest of the day. You walked him through the schedule. First was Hunger Games from noon until 2:22. Thereâd be a ten minute break, then Catching Fire from 2:32 to 4:58. There was a forty-five minute break for dinner. Then Mockingjay Parts 1 and 2 until just after ten. Every movie, they punched a hole in your ticket, and if you got all four, they were handing out little prizes, supposedly. You werenât sure what yet, but you were excited to find out.
âGot a long day ahead of us.â
âI better not catch you nodding off.â You teased, kicking back the recliner.
âI donât snore that loud.â He said, following your lead and pressing the same button to lift his. God, theaters had changed. He set the popcorn tin between the two of you. He couldnât count on two hands how many pointless dates heâd gone on with Bucky before he met you for the first time, how many pretty dames heâd offered popcorn, only for them to completely blow him off. But when heâd taken you to the movies back then, youâd shared gladly. And today was no different. You scooted closer, your hand brushing his every so often.
The movie started and Steve watched, enamored. It was different than the movies he was used to, sure. Maybe Star Wars had warmed him up, or maybe it was the fact that you were sitting there beside him, but he loved every second.
Between movies, the two of you went back out to the lobby to get your tickets punched for Catching Fire, stretch your legs and get refills. Steve noticed a handout for the flashback movies that were coming up. His eyes landed on the Wizard of Oz and his gaze softened.
âThey still show this?â Steve asked, pointing to the poster.
âYeah, every handful of years. Itâs a classic.â You smiled. âI think I was Dorothy for Halloween one year.â
âWould you go see it with me?â He asked.
âYeah, of course.â
Sure, things were different between you and Steve than he thought it would be. He knew it would be a while before youâd know. Youâd told him youâd been friends for about a year before visiting him, but it felt so much longer, living through every day, scared to even take your hand without sending the wrong message.
You saved him the trouble, though, reaching out for his free hand. He took it without hesitation, giving it a squeeze. God, heâd do anything to kiss you, but he knew that would be stepping clear over that line. Holding hands was friendly enough. Hell, you held Wandaâs hand all the time and that didnât mean anything. He was pretty sure, anyway.
âWhereâd you go just now?â You asked, your hand his anchor in the moment, keeping him from drifting back off into the past again.
âNowhere, I justâŚthis is nice. Thanks for taking me out.â
âThanks for coming with me.â
You went back into the theater, hand in hand, carrying your refills. This time, youâd gotten a slushee, and he had decided to do the same. You settled back into your seats, assuming your spots with the people you had been sitting near before. If anything, there were even more people in the theater for Catching Fire.
Steve took a sip of the slushee, looking over at you. âItâs cold.â
âYeah, itâs ice.â You laughed. âDo you like it?â
He scrunched his face. âOoh, brainfreeze.â
âYouâve gotta go slow.â
âLesson learned.â
The lights dimmed and you grinned, looking back at the screen, missing the longing look in Steveâs eyes, admiring the way your face was lit by the glow. And in those seats, once again, he was that little guy from Brooklyn, watching a movie with his soulmate.
***
Two and a half hours later, the theater lights went up and you had forty-five minutes to kill until the next one started. You wandered down to the food court to get something to eat.Â
âSo what did he mean thereâs no District 12?â Steve asked when you settled down at one of the tables. Shoppers walked all around, laden with paper bags full of goods. It was a kind of busy day, actually, but it was fine. You liked to peoplewatch.
âWhen the books came out, I had to wait a whole year to get the answer. I think you can handle the next forty minutes.â
âThere are books?â
âI have them. You can borrow them. And they are even better than the movies, if you can believe that.â
âThey must be pretty damn good, then.â He chuckled. âYou want to shop around a bit? Weâve still got some time.â
âOh absolutely. Thereâs a Lego store here.â
Steve grinned. âThey have a whole store for those?â
The two of you finished eating, threw out your trash, and then walked down the hallway to the Lego Store. Steve browsed some of the boxes. There were a lot of cool things. Buildings he recognized, landmarks, things from movies he hadnât gotten to watch yet. There were also flowers. Lots of flowers, and Van Goghâs Starry Night. He could see himself building any number of them with you.
You were over by the minifigure bags, squishing them to feel which character was inside. Steve chuckled, but didnât question your process. Instead, he wandered over to a rotating display of minifigure keychains. A few caught his eye, but more than anything, you did. That was, a keychain of you, in your suit, that eight-pointed star on your chest. Right next to it was him, shield and all. He chuckled and then grabbed one of each, heading towards the checkout.
By the time you caught up with him, he had already paid.
âWhat did you get?â you asked through your giggles.
âItâs a surprise.â He smiled, voice soft, eyes softer.
âAlright. Keep your secrets.â You chuckled.
Steve took your hand, walking back towards the theater. You got one last refill for the last two movies, got your cards punched, and headed back inside to finish off the saga.
***
At the end of the night, all the people who had been there for all four movies got a t-shirt, a Mockingjay pin, and a mini poster. Along with the tin and cups theyâd given you, youâd say it was definitely worth the ticket price. You and Steve walked out to the car together and sat in the seats for a while before either of you spoke.
âThanks for coming today, Steve.â
âOh, any time, (Y/N). We should do it again sometime.â
âIâll let you know if I catch wind of a Star Wars marathon.â
He grinned. âOh please do. Iâd love to see those on the big screen.â
He pulled out of the parking spot and drove off the lot. By the time you got back, almost everyone was asleep. Almost. Bucky was on the couch, watching something, volume on low. He looked up when the two of you came in the door.
âFun time?â He asked.
âOh, very.â You laughed kicking off your boots and setting them in your slot on the shoe shelf.
Steve plucked your keys off of your hook and, very efficiently, added his top secret Lego purchase to yours, the keychain of himself.Â
âOh my God.â You giggled, looking at it. âThis is great.â
âWe match.â He said, holding up his own keys, which already had the keychain of you on them.
Your heart just about melted. âWe sure do. God, youâre giving my soulmate some awfully big shoes to fill, Steve.â
âWell,â he smiled, and suddenly, he was that little guy from Brooklyn again, at your height, in awe of the woman the universe had plopped directly onto his front porch. âIâm sure heâll grow into them.â
Mr. Perfectly Fine
You had training early, almost all hands on deck. Tony was on a business trip, Thor was on Asgard. But otherwise, everyone was accounted for. Clintâs new recruit, Kate, seemed nice. She was twenty-three, fresh out of college, and really did have quite a shot. She might shape up to be a pretty good Hawkeye after all.
Scott and Hope were there as well. Hope was extremely skilled. You could tell sheâd practiced for a while, knew her suit and the Pym Particles inside and out. And Scott was also there. He was nice, there was no question about that, but you could tell he still had a lot to learn about the crazy world heâd stepped into. Still, it was nice to have them around regardless.
Tony hadnât officially inducted them to the team, and there had been no party announcing such a thing. You couldnât help but wonder if he was waiting for someone. One more member, perhaps, before making it official.
You had been inâŚsomething of a mood since your little outing with Steve. It had been a blast, sure, but it had also been a reminder: Steve had a soulmate, in the past tense. There was a name on his wrist. And your bare wrist meant that it wasnât you. You had a soulmate out there somewhere, human or super, whether you wanted them or not.
Steve was perfect for you. But you couldnât have him.
And god, did it hurt.
You trained hard, hitting the punching bag that occupied what was usually Steveâs corner. He was there a lot, blowing off steam. Now you got it; it felt good to hit something. You spun, kicking the bag.
âYouâre unbalanced.â Bucky piped up, walking over.
You looked up at him, watching his movements, but he didnât mean any harm. Obviously he didnât. Heâd passed his mind-control test with flying colors. He was a free man now, and he was a lot lighter because of it.
âAm I?â
âYouâve gotta shift your weight a little, really plant that other leg.â He instructed, adjusting your body, hands gentle but firm. You could feel Steveâs eyes on you from across the room, but he didnât come over. âOtherwise theyâre gonna push you right over.â
âWell thanks. I appreciate it.â You said, giving the tip a try. âI havenât done enough hand-to-hand.â
âWeâll get ya there. Iâm surprised Steve hasnât been working on it with you.â
âYeah, I donât know. Things have been weird since the Hunger Games.â
âI noticed.â Bucky chuckled. âIâll talk to him. See whatâs going on in that head of his.â
âItâs not his fault. Iâve been the weird one.â
âOh. Need to talk about it?â
âNo, I justâŚI need to work through some stuff.â
Working through stuff meant that after training, you went straight to your room, closed the door, and started listening to your angst playlist, spread like a starfish across your king-sized mattress. And that was how Nat found you almost an hour later.
âKnock-knock, Iâm coming in.â She said, opening the door. âHey. Why are you listening to Songs for Sad Bitches in here?â
âWhat? Howâd youâ?â
âYour playlist name is on the screen out here when you play stuff on the built-in speakers.â
âEmbarrassing.â
âHappens to the best of us.â She shrugged, closing the door behind her and sitting on the bed. âSo, why are we sad bitches today?â
âI canât talk about it.â
âYou canât talk about it, or you canât talk about it here?â
âThe second of those options, yeah.â
She dangled your keys from her hand, the little tiny Captain America taunting you. âThought so. Letâs get out of here. Kate hasnât been to the mall yet and she needs to buy some more clothes.â
âAlright. I could go for some mall pretzels.â
So, for the second time in a week, you piled into a car and headed off towards the mall. This time, however, you were with your friends, Wanda, Nat, and Kate, not your unattainable work crush.
Wanda loved the mall. Seeing her that happy almost made your heartache go away. The four of you shopped around. You picked out a few new tops, some accessories, a cute bag, and it was a nice distraction until you passed the Lego Store. You got some pretzel bites and hunkered down in the food court with the others.
âAlright. Spill.â Nat urged.
Wanda offered a sad little smile and Kate looked up, waiting to see where this was heading. She was new to the team, which meant she was new to the drama, too.
âI donât know, justâŚgoing out with SteveâŚâ
âWhat, you donât like him?â Nat asked, prodding.
âThe opposite.â
âThen why are you all torn up about it?â
âBecause I canât have him.â You said, pushing a pretzel bite around in the cup of cheese. âHe has a soulmate.â
âHad. In the forties.â
âRight, butâŚI turn twenty-five in what, like four months now? And then I get whoever andâŚI need to let him go before I get hurt, but I canât.â You sighed. âOr before I hurt him, leading him on just to run off into the sunset with someone elseâŚI just feel like shit about the whole situation.â
Natasha sat there with the perfect poker face, giving a sly little smile. âItâs gonna be fine. I promise. And if not, youâve got us here to catch you.â
âWhat she said.â Kate agreed.
âIt will be fine, (Y/N).â Wanda promised, patting your hand. âMy birthday is first. Let me be the stressed one.â She let out an incredulous laugh. âI have a crush on an android.â
âHey, if any robot has a soul, itâs gotta be Vision.â You said, eyes soft. âObviously, he doesnât have a mark, but, if your wrist has his nameâŚâ
âThat would be enough for both of us.â Wanda agreed, nodding. âItâs weird. I knowâŚI know heâs the one but I still have to wait. I wish if you figured it out early, the universe would just let you have it.â
Natasha looked to the rest of you, soaking in silence for a moment before taking off the cuff she wore around her wrist. âAlright, itâs been a secret long enough.â
âWoah, NatâŚâ You gave her a moment to back out, but she held up her wrist, letting the rest of you read the name on her wrist. Bucky. Her soulmate was Bucky. ItâŚmade a lot of sense, actually. The way he looked at her during training, the way she kept herself so guarded around him. âDoes he know?â
âUnclear.â Natasha shrugged. âI, uhâŚSteve said he wasnât sure. And Buckyâs memories are a little fuzzy. The Red Room tried to get rid of our marks. Said they made us liabilities. When I got out, they hadnât found a way to do it yet. It showed up a few years after that.â
âIs that likeâŚstill around?â Kate asked. âThe Red Room?â
âUnfortunately.â
The word sat on the table for a few long moments before you said, âWhat if we took it down?â
Something sparked in Natashaâs eyes and she met your gaze. âElaborate.â
âIâm serious. The four of us,â you thought for a moment and then it clicked, âHope.â
âMaria.â Natasha said, putting the pieces together herself. âI mean, thatâs really all weâd need. Plus a location and a plan.â
âOh my god, are we going on a mission?â Kate asked, lighting up at the prospect of her very first real mission.
Nat grinned. âYeah, I think we are.â
I Can See You
Steve caught wind of Operation: Red Room before youâd so much as suited up. Of course he didnât think it was a good idea. After your accident, he still saw you as fragile. You were fine. Your ribs were fine. Theyâd healed better than even Bruce had expected them to. Still, that look in his eyes said otherwise.
âIâm just not sure this is something you should be doing on your own.â
âWe canât bring you. We canât bring Bucky. Itâd be handing them two supersoldiers on a silver platter.â
âSo youâre just gonna waltz in there instead?â
âYep.â You replied, lighting a little forcefield around your fist and holding it up as evidence. âI can handle myself, remember?â
His eyes softened. âI know that.â
âThen why are you still fighting me on this? Do you seriously think Natasha would let anything happen to me? Do you think Wanda would?â
âWhat if they have something that disables your powers? Both of your powers.â
âIf they did, theyâd have used it already.â
He sighed, muscled arms crossed, pink lips pressed into a pout. â(Y/N)...â
âYouâre not talking me out of this.â Not even with those pretty blues, you sneaky bastard. âBesides, it was my idea. Iâm not leaving the girls hanging.â
His eyes widened. âIt was your idea?â
âWell, it was a group effort, but Iâm the one that put it into words, yeah.â You shrugged. âIf you didnât think I could handle being an Avenger, why did you recruit me?â
âI never said that.â His jaw clenched and he shook his head. âI justâŚI donât know what Iâd do with myself if something happened and I wasnât there to stop it.â
âDo you trust me?â
âAlways.â
âThen trust me to do this.â You told him, resting a hand on his chest. âAnd trust me to come back to you.â
He met your eyes, melting at your touch before relenting, âOkay. But be careful, alright? Promise me.â
âI promise. I always am. You guys should be here to hold down the fort anyway, in case they retaliate.â
He nodded. âYeah, alright. Iâll be here.â
You walked down to the locker rooms and suited up, making sure everything was tugged tight, belt equipped with both real guns and stun guns. Natasha had told the rest of you there was brainwashing afoot with the Widows that were still in the Red Room. If you could help it, the goal was to get them out without hurting them. That was where Wanda came in. Her specialty.
You all loaded up into the jet, Maria Hill joining you as your getaway pilot. You hadnât gotten the chance to work with her yet, so you were excited to. You rehashed the plan on the way. The Red Room was housed in a floating base, which was why it was so untraceable; it was always moving.Â
You, Kate, and Wanda were on Widow duty. Wanda would dispel their brainwashing, and you and Kate would deal with the physical cells and deal with any guards standing in your way. Once the brainwashing was handled, Wanda would go with Nat to kill Dreykov himself, the man in charge who had escaped countless assassination attempts. This time, she wasnât leaving anything to chance. Hope was going to shrink down and destroy the place from the inside, and once everyone was out and safe, Maria would fly you all to safety.
Ideally, anyway.
Steve saw you off, standing in the driveway as you flew off.
âNatasha wasnât kidding. Youâve got him wrapped around your finger.â Maria chuckled.
âYou could say that.â
At the moment, the Red Room was hovering over a suburb in Maine, nearing the Canadian border. Any closer and it would become an international incident. It had to be now. Maria cloaked the jet as it approached, hiding it from onlookers, obviously, but also, hopefully, from the Red Room itself. Though, their sensors were very advanced so there was no way of knowing until you got closer. That put you on edge.
So, instead, you turned to Kate. âFirst mission today. You ready?â
âOh hell yeah. Iâve been waiting for this.â Kate nodded. She slung her quiver over her shoulder. âWhat was yours?â
âThe local county fair.â You chuckled. âThough, I guess if you count my first encounter with a bad guy, it was at the mall, guy with a flamethrower and a dream. He is in jail now.â
âThat is typically what happens when you dream of arson.â Natasha said, grinning. âThank you all. For this. For coming.â
âWeâve got you, Nat. They did some pretty awful shit to you. Time to make them pay for it.â
âSpeaking of, ready up, ladies. We are two minutes out.â
Power crackled in your fingertips. You were ready to go. Well, as ready as you could be.
Maria pulled up to the docking bay and the five of you got out. Hope lowered her helmet visor, saluted, and then shrunk, flying off into the vents. The other four set off in a linear path, up the winding hallways towards where they kept the Widows.
The hall was bathed in red light, dim. It set you on edge. Natasha led the way, motioning the rest of you on. You noticed as you approached each camera, it flicked off, the heads of them tilting down.
Oh right, Hope. Awesome.
You approached a series of rooms, doors all identical. They slid open when you approached, and sure enough, two dozen women came charging at you all at once, dressed in identical athleisure. Wanda waved her hands, red mist cascading down the hall, their eyes filling. It took a moment, but they all stopped, looking around at each other for some idea of what was going on.
âNatasha?â One of the voices in the crowd said, a blonde girl with wide eyes. âYou came?â
Natasha nodded, smiling. âOf course I did.â
âYouâre the Avengers.â The girl said, looking at the rest of you. âYouâre really here.â
âSome of us. Come on, weâve got a ship waiting.â You told her.
The girl looked at you and then back at Natasha.
âGo with her.â Natasha instructed. âIâll be back in like five minutes. Tops.â
âWhatâs your name?â Kate asked, starting to lead the others back to the ship.
âIâm Yelena. Natashaâs sister.â
As you led them back down the hall, armored guards rounded the corner. You made forcefields at their feet, tripping them up. Kate shot arrows down the barrels of their weapons, causing a few small explosions. The Widows fought with you, taking out anyone that approached. Soon enough, you got to the docking bay, which exploded as soon as you approached.
You put up a shield between the rest of you and the explosion, blocking the girls from the flying debris. Okay, that put a wrench in things a little bit.
âWhat are we gonna do?â Kate asked, looking to you, the reflection of the flames shimmering against her skin.
âIâve got an idea.â You said, approaching the opening carefully, wind whipping all around. Maria was still piloting the jet, doing her best to get close to the massive hole.
You made a platform with your power, curving it up at the edges, like a giant spoon. Slowly, you slid it across the gap to the jet. Maria got the hint, turning it around and opening the ramp. You made another platform and two of the Widows hopped in without hesitation. Slowly, you started the process of feeding them all across, two by two until everyone was in the jet. Everyone except you.
âHey.â Hope said, landing and returning to full size, out of breath. âWhat did I miss?â
âNot too much.â
âWant a lift?â
âWhy not?â You shrugged. Hope took your hand, flying you across the gap and into the ship. That just left Wanda and Nat unaccounted for.
You watched anxiously, waiting, waiting, waiting. Nothing.
âHope, how long before this thing blows?â
âA few minutes.â
âFuck.â You shook your head. You pressed a finger to your earpiece. âNat, Wanda, do you copy?â
Radio silence.
â(Y/N), there they are.â Kate pointed. She really did have eagle eyes.
âIâll get them.â Hope offered until an enemy ship opened fire.
âIâve got it.â You said, channeling something deeper. Instead of making a bubble, you formed a tunnel of shimmering blue energy from the platform they were standing on to the back of the jet. âHold her steady, Maria!â
âAs steady as I can.â
A few explosions started at the back of the base, setting off a chain reaction. The two of them ran through the tunnel, its energy shielding them from the fire, the debris, and the rain of bullets. Wanda sped them along, until they were safe and sound, in the jet again.
Maria closed up the door as more explosions went off. You lowered your hands, letting the energy dispel. She flew off to a safe distance. The rest of you watched in awe as the Red Room fell, crumbling to bits, to ashes and ruin.
Yelena hugged Natasha, thanking her. Natasha apologized for not coming sooner. And the rest of the Widows were able to rest, breathing free for the first time in years.
***
The first stop on the docket was a SHIELD base in New York to drop off the majority of the Widows. SHIELD had a plan in place to get them back into society, integrated, rehabilitated, whatever they needed.
The second stop, of course, was Taco Bell, for refreshments.
The third stop was home, where Steve was waiting at the dinner table, chin resting against his folded hands, Bucky sitting across from him. He whipped around at the sound of the door opening. You, Kate, Wanda, Natasha, Hope, and Yelena were talking and laughing, laden with bags of fast food.
His eyes fell on yours first and it was like time stopped.
âHow did it go?â
âGood. I got you a Baja Blast.â You said, setting the large cup of the teal drink in front of him.
He stared at it for a long moment before looking back up at you. âYouâŚâ
âIâm alright, Steve. We all are. And, uh, we have a new teammate.â
He finally spotted Yelena in the mix. âOh?â
âNatasha has a sister.â You shrugged, sitting down and unpacking your order. âApparently.â
Speaking of whom, Natasha walked up to Bucky, looked him in the eye, and said, âBarnes. Can I talk to you for a minute?â
âYeah, of course.â He nodded, following her into another room.
âWonder what thatâs about.â Steve murmured, sticking a straw into the drink he kept staring at like it was a potion youâd plucked from a fantasy realm. You supposed teal was kind of an odd color for a drinkâŚ
You smirked. âI have some idea.â
âShe told you?â
âYeah.â You shrugged. âIt makes a lot of sense. The way he looks at herâŚâ
He nodded. âLike something out of a movie.â
âYeah, exactly.â You sighed and then shook out of it, motioning to the drink. âAlright, let me know what you think.â
He took a first sip, holding it in his mouth for a second before swallowing. The smile on his face grew. âItâs sweet.â
âToo sweet?â
âA little.â He chuckled, going in for another sip. âNo, maybeâŚmaybe I do like it.â
âUh-huh. Think about it.â You laughed.
Yelena sat down next to you. âIs this seat taken? Iâm starving.â
âHave at it.â
âAlright, well, you girls have fun. Iâm headed to bed.â He held up his cup. âThanks for the drink. Glad youâre home safe.â
âNight, Steve.â
Yelena looked at you, wonder in her eyes. As soon as he was out of earshot, she said, âOooh, tell me everything.â
You chuckled. âWhere do I even start?â
Champagne Problems
Two weeks later, you got dressed for Wandaâs twenty-fifth birthday outing. It would be just the girls, headed to a club nearby. Wanda would turn twenty-five just after midnight and she didnât want to be in the same building with Vision if she was going to get her heart broken. It wasnât a bad plan, all things considered.
You were wearing a black dress, knee-length, form-fitting, paired with a dark red lip, and of course, the star necklace Steve had gotten for you all those months ago. You let your fingers linger on it in your reflection before throwing on your heels and walking out to the living room to wait for the others.
Steve was on the couch, watching the Muppets Movie.
âSee? I wasnât lying about Gonzo.â
âYou werenât.â He laughed. He opened his mouth to make a quip, but it died on his tongue when he got a good look at you, eyes softening. âYou got a date tonight? Youâre all dolled up.â
âHuh? No.â You laughed. âItâs girlsâ night.â
âDidnât you just have girlsâ night? I believe it involved several explosives.â
âRight, well, Wanda turns twenty-five just after midnight, so weâre going out again. This time hopefully with less explosions.â
âAh.â He nodded. âWell, ya look great.â
You blushed. âThanks.â
âYou hear about Nat and Buck?â
âItâs official.â You grinned. âIâm happy for them.â
âMe too. Theyâve both been through so much. They deserve to be happy.â
âSo do you, Steve.â
He tilted his head, giving you that sad smile. âI am. Promise.â
The other girls came into the living room before you had the chance to respond. Nat was hand-in-hand with Bucky, who kissed her on the cheek before releasing her and joining Steve on the couch, grinning like heâd won the lottery. In a way, he had.
âLetâs get a move on, birthday girl.â Natasha said, slinging an arm around Wandaâs shoulders. âThe night is young.â
She looked back longingly where Vision was hovering in the corner of the room. âBe back soon.â
âText me when you find out.â He said.
âI will.â She promised, eyes brimming with tears.
You took her hand in yours, giving it a comforting squeeze. She squeezed it back, meeting your eyes and offering a smile.
The five of you piled into the car. Hope wasnât coming because she was in San Francisco for the weekend, but Yelena was. She seemed determined to experience all the life sheâd missed out on thus far. You couldnât blame her in the slightest.
The club was lively, music pulsing loudly. There were lots of birthdays being celebrated, it turned out, announced by party hats, birthday crowns and sashes, and the periodic cheers of groups of people, yelling out in excitement when their friends learned who their lives were promised to. It was kind of magical.
You ordered a drink, downing it quickly and surrendering to the fuzzy feeling at the edges of your mind. You were pretty sure the last time youâd been drunk was your induction to the team. You remembered that night with Steve, how he looked at you, how it felt. And then you ordered a second drink, dancing to the music with the girls, trying to forget your worries, even if only for the night.
A guy approached you, a look in his eye. He eyed up your bare wrist. âNo soulmate?â
âNot yet. A few months too early for that.â
âThen would you mind if I swept you off your feet for the night?â
âSorry, IâŚIâm here for my friend. Itâs her twenty-fifth.â
He scoffed, looking you up and down before stalking off towards his next victim. âAlright. Your loss.â
âAsshole.â Yelena rolled her eyes, taking your hands and spinning you around on the dance floor. You let her, dancing along. âI do not blame you, (Y/N). If I were you, I wouldnât settle either. Not for that.â
You laughed. âYeah, not my thing.â
âYouâve neverâŚ?â
âWell, a little. In high school, we used to have parties where we âpracticedâ for our soulmates. It never got any further than a little spin the bottle, though.â You confessed.
âAh, see, Iâve had practice. But it never meant anything. Red Room, bleh.â Yelena shrugged. âI am ready for something real.â
âHow long you got left?â
âAnother year.â
âIâve got three and a half months.â
âSo Iâve heard. I bet you are excited, being so close to it.â
âExcited, nervous.â You laughed, shrugging. âI kinda just want to rip the Band-Aid off, get it over with.â
âIâm sure.â She motioned Kate over and she joined the two of you, dancing to the beat. âKate Bishop, how long do you have left?â
âIâm twenty-three.â
âAh, well, then you have lots of time to party.â Yelena grinned, spinning her around. âWe should really do this more often.â
You chuckled. Yelena had only been part of your little family for a few weeks, but already you could tell she was going to be a handful in the best way.
Eventually, you wandered back over to Wanda, who was standing in the corner of the room, nursing a single glass of Vodka Cran.
âHey, birthday girl. You doing okay?â You asked.
She nodded, irises ringed with red, as they often were when she was stressed. She blinked a few times, forcing them back to hazel. âDoing great.â
âWanda, whoever they are, theyâre so lucky to have someone like you.â You took her hand. âNow letâs go dance and forget about it for the next hour.â
She smiled. âLead the way.â
***
In what seemed like no time at all, midnight came. Natasha ordered a bottle of champagne and each of you got a glass. Wanda sat on a barstool, staring at her wrist. From right next to her, you had a pretty good view, watching with a racing heart as a string of letters appeared, darkening into existence.
The Vision.
She burst into tears, hitting the call button on her phone. He picked up on the first ring.
âItâs you, Vis! I knew it was you!â
The rest of you gathered your things, eager to reunite them as soon as you could. Your thoughts were racing, though. Youâd never really thought of it before, butâŚyour soulmate could be someone you already knew. Someone you were already in love with.
Someone who was already in love with you.
Maybe there was some hope after allâŚ
The Origin
Only weeks after your night in the club, you found yourself in yet another bar. This time, it wasnât for fun, though. You, Sam, Nat, Bucky, and Steve were undercover in a quaint little tavern in Alaska. A quaint little tavern that happened to be a front for Hydra, as it were. But that didnât mean that everyone there was Hydra, just definitely the bar tender and the security guards that kept eyeing you up. Probably a handful of the patrons, too.
In addition to that, so were the flannel-clad guys at the bar.
âHey, little lady.â One wandered up to you, bumping your elbows. âCan I buy you a drink?â
âIâm all set with this one, thanks.â You said, taking a long sip from your drink.
âAww, come on, just one more?â The guy on your other side egged on. âPretty girl like you deserves to have a little fun.â
The guys around them started getting riled up, trying to convince you to have another drink. Never had you been so glad to hear Steveâs voice.
âSorry fellas, sheâs taken. Come on, sweetheart.â You felt his hand on your shoulder and let him pull you away from the fray, back to his little corner. He had been growing out a bit of a beard for this. God, did it suit him. He rested his hands on your waist, face approaching your own, nose nestled beside your cheek. âYou see anything?â
âBartender has a gun under the counter. Intense code-protected lock on the door in the backroom.â You told him, masking your words with a smile, nuzzling your nose against his.
âIâll get to work on the door.â Bucky said over the coms. âWhatever youâre doing is working. Those guys have lost all interest.â
âPerfect.â You chuckled. âThanks for defending my honor.â
Steve smiled and it was breathtaking, the way his eyes sparkled in the warm light. âAnytime.â
You really couldnât help yourself. You couldnât even blame it on the alcohol; there hadnât even been any. It was a virgin drink. Your arm wound around his neck, pulling him in so you could kiss his cheek. His arms wrapped tight around you and he buried his face in your neck to hide his rosy cheeks, laughing.
Once again, that line between your cover and your feelings began to blur.
âAlright, Iâm in.â Bucky said. âFeel free to join us whenever.â
âComing.â Steve murmured, a hand moving the hair out of your eyes. He pressed a long kiss to your forehead, sending your heart into a frenzy before taking your hand and leading you to the backroom, where Bucky and the others were waiting.
âYou were born for undercover work, (Y/N).â Natasha said, giving you a smirk and a friendly nudge.
âYeah, I donât know about that.â You laughed. âItâs kind of fun, though.â
The five of you walked down the tunnel. When you finally reached the main room, it was kind of dark. You lit your fist with blue energy, using it to find a lightswitch. There were several computers that flashed to life, a wall of weapons, and also, a wall of screens. There was a little electrified cell, but it was empty. No captives, as far as you could see.
You started looking around while Natasha backed up files to a hard drive. Bucky watched the entrances. Sam looked over the weapons, taking notes of the ones that were out of the ordinary. Steve stared at the screens, mesmerized byâŚsomething.
âUm, (Y/N)?â He asked, motioning you over.
You looked up at the images. They were all of you. Pictures of you in the field, diagrams of your anatomy, hospital records, your birth certificate. There were illustrations of you, and a few fields marked as unfulfilled: blood sample, soulmate information, DNA.
Beneath it was written Planet of Origin: Illustria
âWhat the actual fuck.â You said, voice flat, staring at the word. Youâd never heard it before. Not even with the recent discoveries about space and the wider universe. Thor, your only connection to space, had never mentioned it. Yet, for some reason, Hydra had reason to believe you were connected to it.
âCompany.â Bucky announced, readying his gun as a group of Hydra agents stormed down the tunnel.Â
A section of the wall slid open and a scientist-looking man stepped into the space. Steve threw his shield, bouncing it off of three surfaces before it came back to him. The man made a run for it, but you lit your fists and ran after him. Steve followed after.
Once you were both through, the wall slid shut. On the other side, you could still hear the sounds of the fight. They needed you. But you needed answers. It was an impossible choice, made easier when he started talking.
âAh, the Girl from Space and the Man Out of Time. How nice to have you both here in one place.â
âWhat the hell are you talking about?â You said, fists clenched, eyes glazed over with raw power, glowing like Wandaâs did.
He laughed. âYou didnât know? Your commerades didnât tell you? Surely they must have seen the suppressor in your neck when they were running all those tests.â
Your world came crashing down. âThe what?â
âYour parents paid us to put it there. Paid SHIELD, at least, but, weâve been one in the same for a long time. Didnât know how to handle their little alien girl, especially at her full power, on a planet that wasnât their own. They should have known youâd outgrow it eventually.â He tsked. âOf course, I could always take it out for you.â
âYou touch her, you die.â Steve said, voice as smooth as steel. It sent a chill down your spine. âIâm warning you.â
It made sense. It was like a switch had been flipped when you were in college, your powers coming from seemingly nowhere. Theyâd been suppressed all your life, but finally, the suppressor stopped working. You hadnât even known it was there. Maybe that was why youâd been stopped at so many airports.
âNot to worry Captain, I was on my way out of here anyway.â He raised his hands and started walking towards an exit tunnel.
You raised yours, making a cuff of energy around his wrist, holding him in place.
âNo, you get to answer to SHIELD.â You told him. âAnd then you get to answer to me.â
Steve used his shield to knock the guy out with one quick, precise throw. The door behind the two of you slid open, Natasha pushing it open. There were downed Hydra agents all over the floor behind her.
âHaving a party without us?â
âSomething like that.â You mumbled, heart still racing.
âI got the files, (Y/N).â She said, playful demeanor falling immediately. âWeâll figure it out.â
Steve lugged the scientist over his shoulders, handing him off to the SHIELD agents who had come to help, one of whom happened to be one of the guys who was hitting on you at the bar. Go figure. Bucky and Sam joined the three of you. Sam put a hand on your shoulder and offered a supportive smile.
You still felt numb.
***
You got back to the safehouse and the snow outside doubled, coming down in droves, thick snowflakes and heavy winds. It was safe to say you would not be making it back to the Compound tonight.
You changed out of your bulletproof gear and into a tank top and sweats, running a hand through your hair. You met your eyes in the reflection, noticing how they flickered blue. In the other room, you could hear the video call finally go through with Tony and Bruce, who were back home.
âOh donât give me that look, Rogers.â
âWell, can you blame me?â
âWhat, like youâve never kept a secret ever in your life, give me a break!â
âAbout her life, Tony!â
âIâll get her.â You heard Natasha tell him, and then heard her footsteps approaching the bathroom door. She knocked. âHey, theyâre on. I made you some cocoa.â
You opened the door, letting out a sigh and nodding. âThanks, Nat.â
She smiled, patting your shoulder and leading you out to the couch. Tony and Bruce were sitting in the living room on the screen. Steve had been pacing, obviously, given his stance and the fact that he was still standing.
You sat down, making eye contact with each of them, lips pressed into a flat line. Your heart raced, chest aching, stomach on fire from the adrenaline of it all. âSo?â
Tony sighed. âYouâre an alien.â
âHalf.â Bruce amended. âOn your motherâs side. Sheâs from a planet called Illustria.â
âUh-huh, yeah. I got that part. How long have you known?â
Bruce looked at Tony, hoping heâd deliver that part of the news. He did. âIâve known since you were recruited. Fury did a background check. You were already on the files.â
âWhat about the suppressor?â
âWe didnât know what it was. We didnât know what taking it out would do to you.â Bruce admitted. âWe thought you knew it was there.â
âI want it out.â You said with certainty. âI want it out as soon as we get home.â
âAre you sure?â Bruce asked.
âIâve never been more sure about anything in my life. I want to know who I am. That starts with knowing what Iâm actually capable of.â You sighed. âAnd call Thor. I have questions I need answered. His alien friends might know.â
âAnything else?â Tony asked.
âWho else knew.â It wasnât a question, it was a demand.
âJust me and Fury,â he said, but you couldnât tell if he was lying or not.
âAnd Hydra.â You snapped. âWhat, are you afraid of me? Had to keep a lid on my powers because youâre so fucking obsessed with control?â
Tony scoffed. Clearly, youâd struck a nerve. âThatâs not it.â
âThen why didnât you tell me?â
âI didnât know how you would take it.â
âOkay well, I think I would have been okay hearing it from a friend, in a place I felt safe. I had to hear about it from Hydra. They had a fucking cell with my name on it.â You said, trembling as you remembered it, tucked away in the corner there. That was the only explanation for it, really. And then something else clicked, too. âThatâŚthat day when Steve got tranqâed. They werenât trying to hit him, they were trying to hit me. He jumped in the way. TheyâveâŚbeen trying to take me this entire time.â
âOh my god, TonyâŚâ Natasha said, voice quiet.
âGet those files to me, Nat. Iâll take a look. See if they have anything on the suppressor so I can take it out when you get back.â Bruce said, eyes soft. âAnd Iâm sorry, for the record.â
âItâs not you Iâm mad at.â
âKid, please donâtââ
You cut Tony off with a click of the remote, hanging up the call. You let out a shaking sigh, setting the remote down. Your fingers were trembling. You took a few breaths, lungs heaving. You wanted to scream. You needed to let it out.
Everyone else on the team knew why they were there. Every other person in your life knew what made them special. Wandaâs power came from the Mind Stone, Steveâs came from the Serum, Tonyâs came from his massive fucking ego. They all got the privilege of their origin story.
All of them except for you.
You needed to call your parents, if you even could. Theyâd told you they were moving to Florida. Now you wondered if theyâd moved off the planet.
âYou gonna be okay?â Sam asked, eyes trailing you as you paced through the room towards the door.
âNope.â You walked out to the other den, burying your face in your arms, sobbing for a few minutes until you got it all out, or most of it anyway. Eight months. Eight fucking months heâd known you and didnât think to tell you.
The chip in your shoulder burned.
You began to seriously wonder if anyone else had known. Bruce had run all those tests, surely he had seen something. Heâd told you there were abnormalities, but heâd assumed they were from your powers, not the cause of them.
Steve crossed your mind briefly, but you shot that down pretty quick. He, of all people, would never keep a secret like that from you. You knew him well enough to know that.
Aside from that, the only real suspect you had was Vision. He had been JARVIS once, surely he still had some of that database in his mind. Youâd give him the benefit of the doubt. For now.
âHey.â Even before you looked up, you could tell Steve would be leaning in the doorway, that lovelorn look on his face. You were right, obviously.
Tears welled in your eyes. âSteve.â
He crossed the room, collecting you in his arms, hands rubbing comforting circles on your back. You surrendered to him, crying into the fabric of his crewneck, face tucked into the crook of his neck. One of his hands cradled your head, smoothing over your hair comfortingly.
âIâm sorry. I didnât know.â He rumbled, voice deep and soothing. âI would have told you.â
âI know you would.â You sniffled, gripping him like a lifeline, your anchor in the storm. You pulled away to meet his eyes. âI feel so stupid for crying about it.â
He shook his head. âItâs not stupid. I would, too.â
âLike itâs fine. Aliens are cool. T-Thor is cool.â You sniffled again, more tears running down your cheeks. âIâm fine with being one, I justâŚâ
âYouâre still (Y/N).â He asserted, a gentle thumb wiping your tears away. âYouâve always been able to do these amazing, beautiful things. Now we know why. And maybe thereâll be even more things you can do with that thing out of your neck.â
âYeahâŚâ You nodded. You took a deep breath. âIâm really glad youâre here, Steve. I donât know what Iâd do if you werenât.â
He pulled you back into his arms to hide the look on his face. âIâve got you. Always. Weâll figure it out.â
***
Hours later, you were curled up on the couch, asleep. Despite the fireplace raging with fresh-chopped wood, you were still shivering, pulling the blankets around yourself as tight as you could.
Steve watched you from the dining table, forlorn. Natasha nudged him, motioning towards you. He shook his head. He couldnât. Right? What, take advantage of you in your vulnerable state?
Bucky seemed to agree with Nat, grinning into his mug of coffee. Of course they agreed. They were soulmates, after all. Just like you and Steve.Â
The mark on his wrist seemed to thrum when he thought about it.
Relenting, Steve got up off of his seat, walked towards the fireplace and adjusted the logs, adding another small one for good measure. He looked back at the others, who were silently, but aggressively, encouraging him to go over to you. Sighing, he did.
He knelt down in front of you, clearing his throat, which caused you to jolt awake.
âIs everything okay? Are we under attack?â
Steve chuckled. âNo, uh, weâre all good. Are you cold? Youâre shivering.â
âKind of, yeah.â You admitted. âIâll be okay, though, I promise. Iâve always been kind of cold. Must be an alien thingâŚâ
âDo youâŚwant some company?â He asked, unsure of how to word it. âIâŚrun warm.â
âDo you mind?â You asked, sitting up a little and raising the blankets you were under.
His heart raced. âHere, umâŚâ He wiggled in underneath you, letting you lead as the two of you settled.
âGod, you do run warm.â You hummed, all but collapsing against him, a hand flat against his chest while you adjusted.
âI didnât always.â He said, voice sincere. âBuck and I used to have to share a bed in the winter. It was brutal.â
âSounds like it.â
âYeah, he snores.â Steve joked, earning a laugh.
âOh I know. I can hear him three doors down back home.â
âAnd I can hear you from the other room!â Bucky called, sending you and Steve into a fit of giggles, like kids at a sleepover. âItâs a small cabin!â
You heard him and Sam devolve into a bickering match about the truth of whether or not Bucky actually snored that loud.
You looked up at Steve, asking âis it okay if I put my arm here?â while carefully draping an arm across him.
âYeah, of course. Get comfortable.â He nodded, leaning against the pillows and pulling the blanket up around your shoulders.
You rested your head on his firm chest, listening to the way his heart was racing. Cute.
âWe could, uh, put on some music if you want.â Steve suggested. âIâve still got that playlist on my phone.â
âWhich oneâs your favorite?â You asked, voice soft, curious.
âTimeless.â
âI thought it would be.â You smiled, meeting his eyes, which sparkled in the light of the fire. âYouâre so timeless, Steve Rogers.â
He grinned. âYou think so? You donât think Iâm a fossil like everyone else?â he said, quoting Natasha and Tony and many others who equated him to some dinosaur because of his accident.
âNot even close.â You shook your head and sighed. âThis might be the wrong thing to say, butâŚIâm really glad youâre here. Your life could have looked a lot different, but Iâm really glad you ended up in mine.â
It took every ounce of his being to hold in his tears when you said it. If he could have confessed then and there, he would have. He would have kissed you square on the lips, told you he loved you, that he always had, that you werenât some accident, you were his destiny. Always had been.
Instead, he had to settle for, âIâm getting used to it, but I am, too. Iâm really glad I found you that day, (Y/N).â
âMe too.â You smiled, readjusting your cheek against his chest, letting out a long breath. âGoodnight, Steve.â
âNight.â
His warmth lulled you to sleep after a long, emotional day. Never had you felt so safe and protected. It was easy to feel that way in the arms of a supersoldier, you supposed, thoughts meandering until there werenât any left. You were asleep in minutes, breaths slow and long and even.
Once he was absolutely sure you were out, Steve pressed the gentlest kiss to your forehead, grateful beyond words to have you in his arms again, grateful you were safe, grateful you were his.
Even if you didnât know it yet.
***
The next morning, sunlight streamed through the sliver of a gap in the curtains, right into your eyes. You blinked a few times, trying to figure out why the mattress was moving. And then you remembered. Steve.
The supersoldier was still asleep, breaths long and slow, those thick, gorgeous eyelashes resting against his sharp cheekbones, lips impossibly pink. His muscled arm wrapped tight around your waist, the other settled on the couch.
Your eyes wandered to the band on his wrist. It was out of place slightly, the edge almost crooked enough to read the letters etched onto his skin. Almost.
There was a part of you that was tempted to look. To nudge it aside the tiniest bit, say it was an accident, and finally know who it was that had been holding his heart in their hands for the last seventy or so years.
But you couldnât do that to him. He trusted you enough to hold you while he slept, while he was the most vulnerable. You respected him too much to do that. So instead, you adjusted slightly, closing your eyes again.
â(Y/N).â Natasha said from the doorway of the kitchen.
âHmm?â You replied, eyes opening again.
She eyed up the two of you, grinning. âCute.â
You chuckled. âThanks.â
âGot those files sent to Bruce. He doesnât think itâll be a problem getting that thing out of you. Wonât even have to put you under.â
âCool.â You nodded. âIs itâŚlike right between my neck and my shoulder? On the right side?â
âThatâs where it is on the diagrams, yeah.â
âOkay. Thought so. I get pain there sometimes.â
âDuring training?â
âYeah. I didnât think it was anything serious. Thought it was like a pulled muscle or a pinched nerve or something.â
âYou never said anything.â Steve murmured, blinking awake. âYou were in pain that whole time?â
âNo. It comes and goes. Mostly when I try out new stuff.â You said, still planted on his chest, looking up at him.
He smiled. âMorning.â
âMorning. Howâd you sleep?â
âReally well, actually. How did you sleep?â
âLike a fucking rock.â You grinned. âYou werenât kidding about running warm. Thanks for sharing.â
âAnytime.â
âLetâs get a move on, team.â Sam said, walking out from the bedrooms down the hall, Bucky not far behind him, looking tired.
You reluctantly left the warmth of your shared cocoon, sitting up and stretching, brushing your fingers through your tangled hair. âAlright, letâs go get this thing out of me.â
Show Yourself
âAlright, so, this might hurt a bit. Are you ready?â Bruce warned. You were laid out on a table on your stomach, a curled pillow beneath your head. It was a bit like a massage, except Bruce had made an incision at the base of your neck where your suppressor was implanted. Heâd given you some numbing gel and pain meds, though, so you didnât feel much.
On the other side of the observation window, Steve was standing with Natasha, his arms crossed, eyes focused. Tony wasnât allowed even in there, which pissed him off. Heâd tried to get on your good side when youâd gotten home and you blew him off completely, which, Steve had to admit, was amusing.
And Tony definitely deserved it.
âIâm good. Go for it.â
Carefully, Bruce used his tools to wiggle it free from your flesh, setting off a chain reaction in your body. The wave of relief you felt was almost enough to put you to sleep, a refreshing, cool sensation rushing from your head to your toes. Power crackled between your fingers, and you could feel your eyes glowing for a moment, despite the fact that you couldnât see your reflection.
Bruce moved to stitch you up, but your body did the work for him, mending back together on its own before his very eyes. He adjusted his glasses, sure he was seeing things. But no, the wound was healed, just leaving a little dried blood on your skin, which he wiped off with a wet piece of gauze.
âWoahhh.â You murmured, coming out of the trance. You blinked a few times and it felt like waking up from a college nap, the kind you donât set an alarm for and then come out of in a stupor.
âYou feel okay?â
âYeah, Iâm great.â You nodded. âAre you done? Did you stitch it up?â
âIâŚdidnât have to.â He murmured, still staring at the spot. He handed you the shirt youâd brought in and you tugged it over your head, staring at your arms, your hands. You didnât look any different, but it was like every atom in your body was electrified.
It felt right.
Bruce opened the door and Steve and Natasha walked in, watching your every move.
âWow.â Natasha said, grinning. âYou lookâŚâ
âThe same, butâŚmore you.â Steve met your eyes, offering you his hand.Â
You took it, letting him help you stand. Even his touch felt different now. Better. You settled, adjusting. It felt different, like even the gravity itself had changed. It would take some getting used to.
âI need to hit the training room.â You said with an excited grin. âYou two are welcome to join me.â
âCan I watch? I want to take notes.â Bruce said. âFrom the observation booth, of course.â
âOh yeah, by all means.â You nodded, leading the others down the hallway. A few others tagged along, Yelena, Kate, Wanda, who were all curious to see what you were capable of now, and just how much Tonyâs lies had been holding you back. Sam and Bucky were already there and smiled when they saw you coming, Steve and the others in tow.
They cleared out some room, letting you have the space you needed. You stretched and then got to work.
First, you made a few forcefields. They still had that shimmer, like sunlight in a swimming pool, but they were twice as thick as they had been before. Steve couldnât break them with his super-strength anymore.
You had more control over your waypoints and your portals, which, the more you used them, were becoming two different things. The waypoints, your stars, were a quick zip from point A to point B. Your portals, however, were more like a window that you could open and close, and took on more of a circular shape.
You were stronger, too. Nowhere near as strong as Bucky or Steve, but twice as strong as youâd been before, faster.
And then came the other thing. If you focused hard enough, and focused on the floaty, tingly feeling in your chest, your body started to glow around the edges, and at long last, your feet rose from the floor.
âOh my godâŚâ You murmured, lifting yourself from the tile ground. At first, it was hard to control, but you quickly figured out how to get from point to point, and how to hover in the middle.
Steve stared up at you as you hovered, fists lit with power, hair floating in the breeze youâd created. It was like watching the birth of a star, powerful and beautiful and otherworldly.
For the first time since 1943, he knew in his soul that he had to paint you, exactly like this. He memorized the moment in his mind, every detail from the streak of sunlight on your chest to the misplaced strand of hair on your forehead, the exact hue of your glowing irises.
âA picture might last longer.â Natasha teased under her breath, watching as you touched down.
âYeah, I was thinking the same thing.â Steve replied, already picking out a color palette in his head.
âHoly shitâŚâ You breathed, the glow dissipating as you returned to normal. âWhat a rush.â
âWelcome to the fly club, kid.â Sam said, patting you on the back.
âThanks.â You grinned. âYouâll have to give me some pointers sometime.â
âOh, anytime.â Sam walked over to Steve with you. âYou see her up there? Sheâs like Superman.â
âI saw.â Steve agreed, arms crossed. âI think this calls for celebration, huh?â
âWhat did you have in mind, Cap?â You asked.
âBaja Blast?â He suggested, earning a laugh and a friendly shove.
âSo you did like it?â
âItâs growinâ on me.â Steve admitted, that sly smile spreading. âCome on, my treat.â
âOh Iâm in.â You agreed. âLet me just take these monitors off.â
You turned in Bruceâs software, all of the vital-measuring instruments, cuffs and little sensors hooked to your arms and legs and chest.
âSo, give it to me straight, doc. Am I stable?â
âYeah, everything looks great. Vitals are great, heartrate is fine, if not a little elevated, but Iâd assume thatâs just from the adrenaline.â Bruce noted, looking at the numbers and charts on the screen in front of him. âIf you feel weird, let me know and I can check things over, do some scans, but otherwise, it seemsâŚyouâre doing better than you were before, actually.â
âAlright, good to know.â You said, trying not to let his words hurt you.Â
It was good news, it really was, but you could have felt this way for eight months, not two hours. You were thinking faster, processing things at better speeds. Hell, it even felt like you were breathing easier. Whatever that thing was that had been inside you, it had been sapping your health for your entire life. And now, you finally knew what it was like to be at a hundred percent instead of eighty.
Fuck Tony.
***
Steve drove the two of you through the nearest Taco Bell drive-thru to get snacks for yourselves and the rest of the team.
You ordered your regular, your Baja Blast, and everything the others had requested, running it on one of the team cards Tony had given you all. On the drive back, Steve had a question you didnât really expect.
âWhere do people shop for art supplies these days?â
âJo Annâs or Michaelâs. They have a little bit of everything. Fabric, yarn, paint, beads, basically everything you could need. Why, you got a DIY project planned?â
âSomething like that, yeah.â He grinned. âI donât do much shopping, so I didnât know where to start.â
âWe should go sometime. I was running low on yarn.â You said, taking a sip of your Baja Blast.
âMake anything cool lately?â
âIâm working on a sunflower cardigan for Wanda.â
âOh sheâll love that.â
âYeah, sheâs the one who sent me the pattern.â You chuckled. âItâs gonna look really cute on her.â
The two of you got back a few minutes later, a drove of hungry superheroes descending upon the paper bags you were carrying almost instantly. It was a welcome sight, a full table of laughing people. Your family. You felt a little different now, but nothing had changed. Not really. They still liked you, still smiled at you, joked with you, laughed with you.
So then why had Tony felt the need to hide it for so long?
***
Days later, Steve walked down the paint aisle of the craft store, picking out some brushes, some canvas, paints. He found the perfect one for your eyes, another hue for your forcefields. The amount of time he spent looking at you made it easy.
He smiled to himself. The little guy from Brooklyn would be proud of him, getting back into art beyond the sketches he did from time to time. It reminded him, though, that he needed to swing back to that antique shop and finally pick up the painting that had been waiting for him for so long.
Surely, he could keep it hidden until your big day.
Happiest Place on Earth
Being an Avenger often brought along unexpected adventures and opportunities. Today, that adventure was a theme park. Apparently, Disneyland was putting in a whole section in homage to the Avengers and Tony wanted you all to be there.
And though the two of you werenât on the best terms at the moment, who were you to fight a free vacation?
You and Wanda helped pick out each othersâ outfits for your day off following the grand opening. But today, you were wandering the park in uniform, side by side with Captain America himself, as you walked side by side down the street in the parade.
Theyâd tried to teach you all to do a little dance as you walked. The only one even attempting it was Scott, who was absolutely thrilled to be there. Supposedly, his daughter Cassie would be there to see him, too. You hadnât met her yet, but Scott loved her to the moon and back. With him as a dad, sheâd have to turn out pretty cool.
âWaypoint,â Steve said, motioning you over to see a little girl dressed not as a princess, but as you, your star shining proudly on her chest.
âHey there, superstar.â You smiled, giving her a high-five. âYou look great!â
âI want to be a hero just like you someday!â She said, her voice impossibly small. Impossibly innocent. It was a cute moment, but you couldnât help but hope sheâd never have to be. That someday, you and the rest of the team would get the world to a place where superheroes werenât needed, where there was just peace. Where people with powers could simply be like everyone else.
âYou already are, hon.â You told her, posing for a picture as her mom held up her phone.
You continued along the parade route and saw a couple. The guy was wearing a Captain America hoodie, the girl was wearing a Waypoint shirt. You wondered if Steve noticed, but didnât have to ask when you saw his eyes lingering there, his mask all but hiding the faint blush on his cheeks.
A few teenage girls stopped you and you signed their autograph books, throwing something together. Despite your time on the team, there had never really been a time youâd been stopped for them. It was an odd feeling, being famous for something like this.
Steve signed with confidence, though. Sometimes you forgot that before he actually got to go out in the field and make a difference, heâd done a stint as a celebrity, touring the country to sell war bonds.
Someday, youâd bribe him enough to show you the videos, if he hadnât already burnt all of them first.
âAre you excited for your birthday?â One asked. âI heard your twenty-fifth is coming up.â
âOh! Yeah! I mean, I guess Iâm more anxious than anything. Itâs the big one.â
âYouâre going to have every twenty-four year old in the country on the edge of their seat waiting to find out if theyâre the one.â Another joked.Â
You laughed along. âYeah, I guess itâs coming whether I want it to or not.â
You were near the end of the route, so it wasnât long after that you were off the hook to walk around a bit, get something to eat.
Steve turned to you, trying to sound casual when he asked, âYou donât want your birthday to come?â
âI mean, yeah.â You shrugged. âIâm not entirely set on the idea of pledging myself to some stranger for the rest of my life.â
âItâs not always a stranger.â Steve said. âMaybe you already know them.â
âThatâs true. That would beâŚI mean, it would be better, sure, butâŚIâm pretty sure the only person I want it to be already has someone else.â You couldnât meet his eyes when you said it, afraid of the answer, one way or the other, whether he finally said it outright, or if those pretty blue eyes said it for him.
You couldnât handle the heartbreak.
âWaitââ
â(Y/N), we have time to hop on Pirates of the Caribbean.â Wanda said, swooping in to save you. She was really good at that. She took your hand and the two of you ran off in the direction of the ride.
Natasha walked up behind Steve, hand in hand with Bucky, who was nibbling on a churro. Obviously, they had heard the exchange.
âFuck.â Steve muttered, shaking his head. âWell, great.â
âWhatâs going on, soldier?â Natasha asked.
âSheâs gonna be so pissed when she finds out itâs me.â Steve said, voice small, as he watched you walk away. He waited for you to glance back at him. You didnât.
âWhat are you talking about? Steve, sheâs liked you for months. She listened to Songs for Sad Bitches when she thought she couldnât have you.â Natasha reasoned. âFeelings like that donât just go away.â
Bucky chimed, âAre we forgetting the night at the cabin?â
âThat was three months ago.â Steve said, staring at his shoes. âIâŚIâve been keeping it from her this entire time, hiding it from her, letting her feel like shit and stress herself out over it. I shouldnât have gotten so close in the first place, butâŚI just canât keep myself away from her. She looks at me with those eyes and I justâŚcrumble.â
âI hear ya, pal.â Bucky said, patting his arm. âBut you remember the look in her eyes at the bar that night? You remember the things she said to you? That (Y/N) is still a month away. She still has feelings for you. She still loves you, and sheâsâŚsheâs even excited to see the little guy.â
âShe loved the little guy.â Steve agreed, smiling softly, remembering the look on your face when heâd found you, laying on his porch, the tenderness with which youâd whispered his name. In a world that constantly looked down on him, figuratively and literally, you were the first person aside from Bucky that made him feel loved, like he had something waiting for him.
Steve let out a long breath, nodding. Bucky was right. Back in the forties, heâd been the level-headed voice of reason, getting Steve out of the trouble his big mouth got him into. Even in the twenty-first century, he was still doing his damage control. In a way, he had missed it.
âAlright, now I know I missed some chapters.â Sam was on Steveâs other side, holding an ice cream sandwich, eyes wide. âWhen exactly were you going to tell me your soulmate is on the team?â
Steve chuckled. âSurprise?â
âWelcome to the inner circle, Sam. Weâve been waiting for you.â Natasha joked, wearing a grin.
âI mean, it explains a hell of a lot. Here I was thinking she was likeâŚthe grandkid of one of your old war buddies or something.â
âThatâs what I thought!â Natasha agreed. She and Bucky finally filled Sam in on everything heâd missed over the past several months.
Steveâs eyes wandered back to that couple, dressed as him and you. They were holding hands, walking down the pathway, laughing, talking. They stopped for a selfie together in front of the Avengers Campus sign, which inevitably devolved into a kiss.
And in his head, he replaced them with him and you, carefree and in love in the happiest place on earth.
Youâre On Your Own, Kid
Maybe, if you lied very still, you could convince the universe no time was passing at all. You were staring at the ceiling, flat on your back, the weight of the world resting flat against your entire body. No, against your soul, weighing you down.
Tomorrow was your birthday and you were not ready. Not in the slightest.
You let out a loud groan, forcing yourself to get up, to get dressed. You chucked your pajamas in your hamper, throwing on some joggers and a t-shirt, the old Star Wars tee youâd had since high school. It was a simple one, black with stars scattered across the fabric, the yellow logo emblazoned across the front.
There was a knock on your door.
âItâs open.â You called, not turning around to see who it was. You put on your star necklace, the one Steve had given you almost an entire year before. You tucked it under the fabric of the shirt.
âMorning. Howâd you sleep?â Steve asked, leaning in the doorway, arms crossed, eyes searching.
âNot well.â You sighed, turning to look at him.
âI didnât either when mine was coming. I swear I didnât get any sleep for a week.â He said, eyes soft. âI, um, got breakfast. Itâs in the kitchen. Those breakfast sandwiches you like.â
Your lips curled into a tired smile. âThanks. Thatâs really sweet.â
âOf course. Whatever you want today, just say the word.â
You crossed the room, walking right up to him and straight into his arms. He held you to him, read resting against yours. For a moment, he questioned if it had already happened, if heâd gotten the days mixed up.
If you already knew.
âI just need you to hold me.â You whispered, holding in tears. You should have been excited. It should have felt like Christmas Eve. You should have been absolutely buzzing with excitement for the day to come.
But you werenât ready to let him go, for everything about your relationship to change. You needed more time.
âI can do that.â He said softly, thumbs etching circles into your shoulders. âAs long as you need me to. Iâve got you. Always.â
âOkay.â You whispered, voice breaking. The tears finally slipping down your cheeks. It was all you could say to keep yourself from saying âI love you.â
You ate breakfast with the others. Natasha could tell you had been crying, so after, she took you, Wanda, Kate, and Yelena out of the house. It was a welcome distraction. The mall was the perfect spot. It always was.Â
âWhat about this one?â Wanda held another dress against you, imagining you in it for your birthday party the following night. Steve had taken it upon himself to be the entire planning committee, which was why he was back at the Compound with the boys, getting things in order. The only thing he wanted to have to worry about tomorrow was the party itself.
âDoes it come in blue?â You asked, eyeing up the rack sheâd pulled it off of.
âIt does.â She smiled, putting the red one back in exchange for blue. It was sparkling, form-fitting, a little less formal than the one youâd worn to your Avengers induction, but it had the same vibe, just shorter and with a deeper neckline.
âPerfect.â You said, turning towards the dressing room. You handed Wanda your purse and slipped into it. It fit perfectly in all the right places. You did a little turn in the mirror, satisfied, and then walked out into the store again, where Natasha was nodding in approval.
âAlright, dress acquired, where to next?â Kate asked, checking the list she was keeping on her phone.
âI heard there is a Lego store here.â Yelena said absentmindedly, glancing out the door. âWe should go.â
âIs that where you got Steveâs Millennium Falcon?â Natasha asked.
âSteve has a Millennium Falcon???â Yelena asked, eyes wide. âI want one.â
âI got it online. It was on sale.â
âI didnât know Steve liked Star Wars.â Kate noted as you walked back into the dressing room to change back into your Star Wars shirt, ironically enough.
âLoves it. Heâs a big nerd. Bucky, too. Buckâs more of a fantasy nerd, though. Heâs super into Lord of the Rings.â You could hear the grin in Natashaâs voice when she said it.
âSteve said it was the first thing he watched out of the ice. Star Wars, that is. I donât know if heâs seen Lord of the Rings yet.â You added. âAnd heâs talked about going to the Stark Expo back in the day. Vintage nerd.â
âNice.â
Once youâd paid for the dress, you moved on to the Lego Store, where Yelena just about ran to the Millennium Falcon set to see it for herself.
âLego typewriter.â Natasha noted, pointed at it. âSpeaking of vintage nerd.â
âOh Iâm sure heâd get a kick out of that.â You laughed. Depending on how things settled after your soulmate bomb dropped, maybe youâd come back and get it for him. At the very least, you were pretty sure youâd still be friends after it all. And friends built Lego sets together.
âHey, wait, there are Legos of us?â Kate asked, eyeing up the display where Steve had, you assumed, gotten your matching keychains. âThis is news to me.â
âLet me see.â Yelena walked over and gasped, eyes falling on her Lego self.
Wanda smiled softly, head tilting as she looked at you. She rested her hand on your shoulder.
âIt will be fine. To quote someone I care about very deeply: whoever they are, they are lucky to have you. Now, letâs forget about it for a bit.â
âAlright.â You agreed, letting her lead you over to the Build-a-Figure station, where you started mixing and matching the pieces. It was hard, but you let your worries melt away, at least for a little while.
***
Meanwhile, Steve was walking around the Compound with a clipboard, making sure everything was ready for the next day. Scott and the ants were helping put up the decorations. Heâd sent Sam and Bucky to pick up the cake, and Tony had taken it upon himself to take care of the catering. A peace offering of sorts.
Steve was putting together the playlist for the party himself, hand-picking songs you liked, recommendations from Nat and Wanda, songs from Taylor Swiftâs discography, and then, finally, a special song heâd been saving.Â
Steve liked to listen to his records in the privacy of his room, away from the ears of members of the team who would tease him for it. They were forties jazz mostly, made the place feel a little more like home, especially when you werenât around. But there was a song that he would soon share with you, as soon as tomorrow came. He hesitated to add it, but eventually, he pressed his thumb to the song, adding it to the playlist.
He closed his eyes, remembering that moment. The last song of the night before Valâs closed. It was one of the last times he had gone there.
âWeâll meet again, donât know where, donât know whenâŚâ The singerâs voice had floated across the room, words striking him to his core. He got chills, opening his eyes again. God, he couldnât wait for you to know. Sure, he was a supersoldier, but he was pretty sure the weight of his secret was finally crushing him.
***
You retreated to your room when you and the girls got home. It was kind of late. Youâd decided to catch a movie while you were out. You didnât mind. You were beyond ready to go to sleep and justâŚget it over with.
Off with the Band-Aid.
âWhereâs (Y/N)?â Steve asked, finding Natasha and Kate in the dining room.
âShe went to her room for the night.â Kate replied innocently.
âAlright.â He nodded. âHow was she doing?â
âNot great.â Yelena said, already into the box of the Lego set sheâd settled on. âI mean, sheâs like fine. JustâŚkinda sad.â
âQuiet.â Wanda agreed. Vision had his arm around her.
âOkay, wellâŚâ Steve put his hands on his hips, thinking. What was the harm in telling them now? Warning the rest of them what theyâd be waking up to tomorrow. âVision, can you round up the others?â
âOf course.â Vision nodded. âTo be clear, I am to leave out (Y/N)?â
âYeah. Yeah, everyone but (Y/N).â Steve confirmed, leading the others upstairs to one of the lounges. He sat on the couch, mouth resting against his hands, elbows on his knees. Tony sauntered in, followed by Bruce. The rest of the team filed in one by one, finding seats, staring at Steve, waiting for answers.
âSo, um, thanks for coming everyone.â Steve said, meeting their eyes.
âUh, Cap, weâre missing (Y/N).â Clint said, looking around.
âThatâs the idea.â Natasha replied.
âIs this a party planning meeting? Do the decorations look okay? I really thought the ants did a good job.â Scott said.
âThey did a great job.â Steve reassured him, taking a moment to collect his words. âSo, as you all know, tomorrow is (Y/N)âs twenty-fifth birthday. AndâŚI need to finally come clean. Iâm her soulmate.â
âOkay, now that I did not know.â Tony said, meeting Steveâs eyes. âYour long lost love is one of our housemates?â
âTony.â Nat shot him a look.
âNo, Iâm serious. Iâm justâŚIâm relieved is all.â Tony admitted with a sigh. âIâŚthe reason I didnât tell her is because I didnât know if IllustriansâŚI didnât know if sheâd have one. I figuredâŚâ He shook his head, staring at the floor. âI didnât want to bring her down when it was so close.â
Steve took off the cuff on his wrist, finally finally showing him the mark that had been there since his twenty-fifth birthday in 1943. Your name, written in your neat, careful handwriting, first, middle, and last.
âWhy not tell her, then?â Kate asked. âWhy havenât you told her?â
âThatâs a little more complicated.â Steve thought. âWhen I turned twenty-fiveâŚshe was there. In a few hours, when she goes to sleep, sheâs headed to the forties to seeâŚwell, me, before the serum. I donât know how or why, butâŚwhen she got there, she didnât know. I didnât want to risk changing anything. Butterfly effect and all that.â
âTime travel?â Bruce asked, eyes bugging out of his head. âYou are just casually telling us that time travel exists.â
âI guess so.â
âWoah. Bruce. Weâve got some tests to run.â Tony said.
âOh I am already taking notes in my head.â
The meeting ended shortly after that. The rest of the team gave him supportive words and smiles, but Tonyâs were the most poignant.Â
âI donât know what youâre still doing here, Rogers. Go see her off.â
âRight. Yeah. Iâll see you tomorrow.â
âGood luck, Steve.â
âThanks, Tony.â
***
You closed the door after Steve left, listening to his footsteps retreat down the hall, steady and even. You let another tear roll down your cheek. All of the crying was exhausting. You just wanted to be done with it.
You sat on the bed, taking off your bra and chucking it across the room, laying back to relax and, hopefully, get some sleep.
The exhaustion must have been helping, because as soon as you closed your eyes, you felt the drifting start. It was strong and immediate, pulling you down through the mattress. You felt like you were floating and falling at the same time, limbs tingling. Your eyes shot open when you realized what was happening, but it was already too late.
And then everything went white.
Right Where You Left Me
In 1943, you walked hand in hand with your soulmate down the sidewalk, through Steveâs favorite park. It happened to be a shortcut between his favorite diner and the local theater. He liked to sit there sometimes, sketch couples walking by. Never had he imagined heâd be one of the couples someday.
For the past week, heâd about worried himself sick. Heâd barely slept, heâd had no appetite, heâd had the worst art block of his life. Every time he fell asleep, he had dreams of finding his soulmate, only for them to be some pretty but shallow girl who didnât want anything to do with him. He had nightmares of a grayed out mark like Buckyâs, or worse, no mark at all. Which is why when heâd run out that morning to get the mail, he hadnât even checked yet.
Part of him didnât want to.
And then heâd found you out there, laying under the mailbox.
And now, he was holding your hand.Â
You caught his eyes, grinning. He smiled back, heart racing. Gosh, maybe he needed to sit down.
âHey, could we sit for a minute?â He asked, motioning to the bench beside the path and trying his best not to sound out of breath.
âYeah, of course.â You agreed, following him and sitting down beside him, hand still clasped tight in yours. âDo you have an inhaler?â
âWhatâs an inhaler?â
âShit, right, they probably havenât been invented yetâŚâ You murmured, pulling your lip between your teeth. âAre you okay? Do you need anything?â
âYouâŚknow about the asthma.â He realized.
You nodded. âI know about all of it, Steve.â
He chuckled, shaking his head. âAnd youâre still looking at me with those eyes?â
âWhat eyes?â You tilted your head, innocent. âThereâs no one else Iâd rather be looking at, Steve. Just you.â
âOkay, now I know youâre not real.â
âAm I gonna have to spend all day convincing you I am?â
âYou just might.â
You leaned in and pressed a kiss to his cheek, leaving a reddish mark there. âOops. Sorry, let meââ
Steve grabbed your hand, stopping you from wiping it away. âLeave it. Bucky comes home covered in âem all the time. Iâve never gotten one before.â
âI am going to cover you in lipstick marks by the end of today.â
He grinned, finally standing up to keep moving. âIs that a promise?â
***
It was nearing the end of the night. Steve could feel his time with you was nearly spent. So he led you by the hand to the stairs at the back of the bar, the ones that led up to the roof. Heâd found himself up there alone on quite a few nights, when the double dates Bucky set up inevitably crumbled.
It was a beautiful night, clear. The stars were out in force, dotting the sky in perfect constellations. In the distance, fireworks boomed. It was one thing heâd always loved about his birthday.
âWow, this is great.â You murmured, looking out at the city. It was like you were living in a photograph, the old buildings looming in the skyline, vintage cars driving down the street.
âMy favorite spot.â He explained, walking over to the railing.
âI can see why.â You let out a sigh, gripping his hand tighter, fingers laced with his. You turned towards him, looking at the smattering of kiss marks on his cheeks. Youâd kept true to your word.
Steve twirled you around, pulling you closer, a soft, romantic smile on his face. âGod, you are so beautiful.â
âLet me show you something.â You told him, drawing his eyes to your hand where you made a tiny, gentle forcefield, its blue light shining across his features.
âWhatâŚis that?â He asked, staring at the orb. âIs that how you got here? Where were you keeping it?â
You curled your fingers, letting the bubble fizzle away. âItâs not a thing. Itâs part of me. Something Iâve been able to do since college. There are a lot of people like me where Iâm from, people with gifts. SteveâŚafter I leave, your life is about to get a lot weirder than time travel and forcefields. I canât tell you how or why, butâŚâ
âI appreciate the heads-up.â He assured you, smiling. âAnd I love you, too. I didnât say it down there, and I know I just met you this morning, butâŚIâŚI love you so much, doll. I donât know what Iâm gonna do without you.â
âYou, Steve Rogers, are going to do amazing things.â You whispered, taking his hand again.
âSays the girl with superpowers.â
âIâm serious.â You told him. âI grew up hearing stories about you. I wanted to be just like you. Brave beyond words, fiercely loyal. I guess it only makes sense that we share a soul.â
Steve grabbed your face with both hands, kissing you deeply, lips dancing against your own, heart racing, knees wobbling like Jell-O. He rested his nose against yours, breathing shallow.
âCareful, there. Donât let me take your breath away.â
He shook his head, kissing you one last time before murmuring, âOh doll, I could do this all day.â He glanced back towards the door, music from downstairs faint. He took your hand. âLetâs go back downstairs. I think theyâre playing the last song.â
You smirked, following him. âI thought you had two left feet.â
He shrugged. âIâm a quick learner.â
***
After youâd disappeared, Steve felt hollow, walking slowly back into the house. Bucky was sitting at the kitchen table, absently reading the paper. He met Steveâs eyes when he heard his trudging footsteps.
âShe left you something.â Bucky chucked the bundle of fabric at him and Steve caught it, holding it out in front of him.
Your Star Wars shirt. Shit. He hoped you didnât need it for anything. âUh oh.â
âMight fit you.â Bucky chuckled. âObviously you canât wear it out, butâŚâ
âYeah.â Steve agreed, eyes sparkling with tears. He held it to his face, inhaling the scent of your perfume like it was oxygen. âGod, I miss her.â
âI know, pal. Itâll be alright. I know it doesnât seem like it now, but it will be.â Buckyâs eyes fell to the grayed out mark on his own wrist, so faint it was barely legible. âYou just gotta take it one day at the time.â
Donât Know Where, Donât Know When
Your veins were on fire. The blinding white shimmered, giving way toâŚyour ceiling. You were laying on your bed again, sunlight streaming through the window.
You blinked a few times, feeling flowing back into your limbs slowly. Your heart raced. You sat up, staring at your hands. Soon enough, your eyes found your wrist. The letters were still there, spelling out the name of your soulmate.
Steven Grant Rogers.
âOh my god.â You looked up and met your reflectionâs eyes, your hair still set in elegant 40s waves. Your pajamas were gone, replaced with the blue dress. Your lips were a deep shade of red, the same shade youâd left all over Steveâs face last night. A different Steve in a different time.
You let out a breath, standing up and walking towards the door, your new-vintage forties heels clicking with every step. You marched straight out to the kitchen, where Steve was sitting at the table, fiddling with his cuff. He was sitting across the table from Bucky and Natasha, whose eyes tried to warn Steve that you were approaching behind him.
âHappy Birthday, (Y/N). Um, howâd you sleep?â He asked, eyes widening when he saw the way you were dressed. His first love, in the flesh, just the way he remembered her.
âI didnât.â You replied, grabbing his wrist and pulling him out of the room, snatching up the folding footstool leaned on the end counter as you passed.
âGood luck, pal.â Bucky laughed.
You just about kicked open the door of the conference room, skirt swishing as you did. You closed the door behind you, locking it with a click.
â(Y/N), listen, Iâm so sorry I didnât tell you, butââ
You unfolded the stool, getting up on top of it and pushing him against the wall. You crushed your lips against his, hands grasping the fabric of his shirt. He moaned into your mouth, frozen for a moment until the rest of him got the hint. His eyes fluttered shut, strong arms wrapped around your waist, head tilting as he deepened the kiss.
Your grip on his shirt weakened, arms looping behind his neck, holding him close as his lips left yours. He rested his forehead against yours, breaths ragged. He laughed, tucking his face into the crook of your neck to hide the tint of his cheeks.
âNot quite where I thought this conversation was gonna go.â He murmured against you, pressing kisses up your neck.
You reached for his left hand, fingers lingering against the strip of leather that was still hiding your name.
âYou can take it off.â He told you, eyes sparkling. âItâs about time.â
Carefully, you undid the metal bit holding it in place and peeled it back, revealing your name etched there onto his skin, your handwriting unmistakable. You choked on a sob, tears slipping down your face.
âThe whole time?â You asked, grabbing onto his hand with both of yours. âYou knew the whole time?â
âIâm sorry.â He apologized, eyes falling to the hand you were holding. âIâŚYou didnât know when I met you. I didnât want to riskâŚchanging anything.â I didnât want to risk losing you.
âI canât believeâŚHere I thought I was your rebound.â You laughed, sniffling through your tears of relief. âI thought you were falling in love with me and I would be the asshole for getting a soulmate and breaking your heart. And it was me the whole time.â
âThatâs why you were worried we wouldnât be friends?â He asked softly.
You nodded, more tears falling when you remembered the way youâd felt day before.
âOh, sweetheartâŚâ He shook his head, wiping your tears away. âHonestlyâŚIâm really glad we got to be friends first. Most soulmates donât get that. It made me appreciate every moment with you even more. It was weird and hard, butâŚloving you was easy. Always has been. It was not telling you that was crushing me.â
âI canât believe I didnât put it together soonerâŚâ You said, shaking your head. âAll of those little momentsâŚthe reading chair, the Hunger Games marathon, the cabinâŚâ Your heart ached remembering the night in the cabin.Â
You remembered him sleeping against the wall in the infirmary after youâd been knocked unconscious, unwilling and unable to leave you alone when you were hurt. You remembered the bewildered look in his eyes when he thought you were dressed up for a date instead of Wandaâs birthday outing. The argument about whether or not you should go on the Red Room mission, when he was more worried about your safety than anything else, broken over the idea of something happening to you when he wasnât there to help. The Lego set youâd spent hours building together, his hands so careful, fingers brushing against yours every so often. The mission in the Amazon, when the only thing he could think about while pseudo-drunk was you.
It was always you. It had always been you.Â
âSteveâŚâ
âAre we gonna be okay?â He asked quietly, watching you, searching your eyes for some flicker of disappointment. âItâs okay if you need time. Iâd understand. ItâsâŚwell, itâs a lot to process.â
âI justâŚâ You sighed, squeezing his hand. âI canât believe I get to have you. I canât believe youâre mine.â
âBelieve it.â He said. He raised your hand, pressing a long kiss to your soulmark. âI love you, (Y/N) (L/N). I always have.â
âI love you too.â You confessed, earning that handsome smile he was so famous for. You couldnât help but admire him, your supersoldier, the man that time had saved specifically for you. âI donât need time. I just need you.â
You looked down at your new dress, realizing for the first time what it meant that you were still wearing it. Youâd left your other clothes behind.
âRight. Before I forget.â Steve said, presenting a tattered, faded wad of fabric that had once been a shirt. âYou left this at my place.â
You unfurled the fabric to find your missing Star Wars shirt, or what was left of it. You stared at it, dumbfounded. âYouâve had this the whole time?!â
âTook it everywhere with me.â He admitted. âStorming Hydra bases in Europe, Battle of New York, Sokovia, everywhere. I used to wear it, back when I wasâŚyou know, but it didnât fit after my growth spurt. Sorry I couldnât get it to you in better shape.â
âThis is why you like Star Wars.â You realized, staring at it and looking back up at him.
âYes.â
âOh my god.â You laughed, shaking your head. You handed it back to him. âI think you need this more than I do, Steve. You can hold onto it for me if you want.â
He smiled, eyes soft. âYou mean it?â
âYeah, of course. I know itâs safe in your hands.â
Your shirt wasnât the only thing that was safe in his hands. You were pretty sure, finally, that your heart was, too.
You stepped down from your footstool. Steve watched with an amused smile, chuckling.
âWe had less of a height difference last night.â You reminded him, folding up the stool.
âI remember.â He reached for your hand and you gave it to him. He brought it to his lips, kissing each of your knuckles with care. âGod, I missed this. I missed you so much, doll. Which is silly because youâve been here, butâŚâ
âI get it.â You reassured him, dropping his hands and wrapping your arms around him instead.Â
He hugged you to his chest, resting his head against yours and letting out a long breath. You could tell heâd been holding it in for a long, long time.
***
Before you changed out of your forties look, Wanda insisted on a little photoshoot, which you were grateful for. Looking back, it would be fun to have pictures, even just as more proof that it had actually happened. Steve obviously sat in on some of the photos.
You asked some questions, of course, such as âwho all knew?â The answer was everyone, but not until the night before when heâd finally come clean to the team. Before that, it had just been Bucky and Nat, and more recently, Sam.
Wanda claimed she had felt something, but never pried. Anyone could see it, though. Anyone with eyeballs. The way he looked at you had always been with love.
You changed into your dress for the party, necklace on display between your collarbones. You touched up your makeup a little bit, but left it. Buckyâs vintage lady friend had done a good job.
Tony showed up about an hour before the party was supposed to start, instructing the caterers. He stopped in his tracks, meeting your eyes with an apologetic smile. âRogers tell you my side of the story?â
âHe did.â You nodded. âAnd I appreciate you looking out for me. Kind of. In your own way.â
âAnd I am sorry, for the record. Maybe there would have been a way to bring it up withoutâŚyou know.â Tony shrugged. âHappy birthday, kid. Iâm glad it all worked out for you and the old-timer.â
You chuckled. âThanks.â
âGot in touch with your parents. You were right. Theyâre off-planet. But I have their contact info if you want toâŚâ
âYeah, Iâd really like that. Thank you, Tony.â
âOf course. Iâll get that all squared away.â
Steve walked up to you as Tony walked away, eyes landing on the necklace there. You realized, as he stared at it, that youâd been wearing it the night before. You hadnât taken it off before bed.
âIs that what you meant when you said you had help picking it out?â You realized, putting the pieces together. âI thought you meant Natasha or something.â
âNo, I uhâŚâ He grinned, nodding. âI got a good look at it that night. You never said who gave it to you, but I figured it may as well be me.â
Steve was wearing a blue button-up, his nice black slacks that did everything for his legs. Heâd shaved, combed his hair all neat. His hand settled on the small of your waist, pulling you closer to him.
You stood on your toes, hooking an arm around his neck and tugging him down for a kiss, lips melting against his. You felt his warm hand settle on your jaw, tilting your head just so. He smelled good, like his woodsy mahogany cologne. His breath was fresh, spearmint. And his lips were soft, confident but gentle.
His nose nuzzled yours, breath warm as it fanned across your cheeks. He met your eyes for a moment before pressing a kiss to your forehead, pulling you against him again. Now that he could touch you freely, he just couldnât get enough.
âBout time.â Bucky chuckled, walking into the room, Natashaâs hand in his. She looked great, wearing a nice red dress. âHow are you two doing?â
âGreat, Buck.â Steve replied, still not letting you go as he swayed. âIâm doinâ great. How are you, birthday girl?â
âItâs the best one Iâve had so far.â You said, echoing his words when youâd asked him the same question. You kissed him again, lips finding his easily.
He smiled, eyes sparkling. âI canât believe this is happening.â
âSame here.â You told him. âIâve had a crush on you since middle school. Imagine how I feel.â
âMiddle school???â He asked, laughing.
âYeah, why do you think I was crying at Air and Space Museum?â
âI was still in the ice!â
âMiddle school girl crushes know no bounds, Captain Rogers.â Kate said, her and Yelena walking into the room next, more or less matching in their black dresses and purple and red accents. âI had plenty of crushes on old dead guys when I was in middle school. No offense.â
He laughed. âNone taken.â
The party guests arrived in waves. The remainder of the team came, along with the extended family: Maria Hill, Jane Foster and her intern Darcy. A handful of your college friends came, buzzing about the prospect of being at the Avengers Compound, as well as the fact that you were an Avenger now, since most of them hadnât seen you since that change had occurred.
You greeted them all as they came in, smiling and laughing and joking around like you did during the good old days. You introduced them to your new friends, your team. The playlist Steve had agonized over set the perfect tone. Some songs were upbeat and danceable, some were chill and slow, giving the couples in the room the chance to pair off and dance together.
During one of such songs, Steve offered his hand.
âCome on, letâs dance.â
âLike old timesâŚâ You murmured, hand sliding into his as he led you out onto the makeshift dancefloor.
Steve faced you, strong hand settling on your waist, the other still wrapped around yours. There was only one song it could be, of course. His favorite of the songs you had shown him thus far. He spun you around, face hovering just behind your ear, where he pressed a tender kiss before spinning you back around to face him.
âEven if weâd met on a crowded street in 1944, and you were headed off to fight in the warâŚâ
âYou still would have been mine, we would have been timelessâŚâ You sang softly, meeting his eyes, the smile on your face matching his own. It was like Taylor had plucked the lyrics from your very heart.
âI think we kind of are.â He said, head nuzzled to yours, still swaying along to the song.
âYeah, I think so too.â You replied.
When the song was over, Steve leaned in and asked, âCan I give you your presents now?â
âYeah, of course.â You nodded.
He led you out of the room and down the hall to one of the conference rooms, where heâd stashed them earlier. There were four things waiting there. A medium box, a tiny box, and two easels covered with sheets.
He turned a chair around and motioned for you to sit, so you did. He handed you the bigger box first, and the infamous clinking sound gave it away before you could even get the wrapping paper off.
âOh I think I know what this is.â
âI thought you might say that.â He chuckled. âI didnât know if you had this one or not. I kept the receipt just in caseâŚâ
You tore the paper off to reveal a Lego set. It was Van Goghâs Starry Night. âI donât have this one yet. And I cannot wait to build it with you.â
âThat makes two of us, doll.â He kissed your cheek, handing you the next present, the smaller one.
You tore the paper off to reveal a small velvet box. You gently lifted the lid and inside, there was a set of star earrings and a simple silver band. An eternity band, if you werenât mistaken. Not an engagement ring, but it was a common gift for soulmates to give once they found each other, especially after theyâd spent some time together.
âOh, SteveâŚâ You murmured, tears in your eyes. âTheyâre beautiful.â
âCan I?â He asked, kneeling down beside you and reaching for the ring.
âYeah, of course.â You held out your hand and let him slide the band onto your finger. How heâd gotten your size, you didnât know, but it fit perfectly.
âIâve been thinking about doing this since 1943.â He confessed, hands lingering around your own.
âItâs still so crazy to me.â You sighed, shaking your head. You met his eyes. âYou were in love with me before I even existed, before my parents were even born.â
âI know.â He nodded, pressing a kiss to your cheek, another to the corner of your lips. âWhen I woke up after the ice, IâŚI was lonely for a while. I spent a lot of days alone, learning, trying to figure out the new world Iâd found myself in. I was kind of bitter. I didnât know why it had happened to meâŚuntil I found you in the mall that day. And then I knew it wasnât some accident. What happened to me was fate. Youâre my destiny. Everything that happened led me straight to you and it was all worth it.â
âYou canât keep doing this to me.â You sighed, fingers intertwining with his.
âDoing what?â
You leaned your forehead against his, whispering, âMaking me fall more in love with you.â
âNo promises.â He laughed, kissing your lips and pulling you to your feet. âOn my twenty-fifth, you said you didnât know I was an artist and I promised Iâd show you sometime.â
He pulled the sheet off of the first painting. It was you, glowing a brilliant blue, streaks of energy emanating from you like you were a star. Your eyes glowed, hair blew in the breeze. Behind you was a bright waypoint and zipping through the air was his shield, all of it captured in breathtaking oil painting. You wondered how long it had taken.
âThis is so beautiful, Steve.â You rested your head against him, arm wrapped around his waist. âYou made me look like a freaking goddess.â
âWell now you know how I see you.â He reached for the sheet covering the second painting, a little more careful with this one due to the age of it alone. âYou might recognize this one.â
It was the painting from the antique shop, the soulmates dancing in Valâs. Now, with your new knowledge, you recognized them immediately. It was you and Steve. Always had been. Tears slipped down your cheeks and your hand covered your mouth, muffling your sobs. There was a time when you were afraid no one would ever love you as much as the blond-haired man loved the girl he was dancing with and it had been you all along.
But that little blond guy had painted it for you, not knowing whether or not you would ever get to see it.
You turned to Steve, standing on your toes to wrap your arms around his shoulders, head resting against his strong frame as you cried.
âI never stopped looking. Never.â Steve said, voice getting emotional. âEvery base I went to, I met every nurse. At every coffee shop, I studied every college student in case you were there doing homework. Every time I went to the theater, I was scanning faces for yours. It became habit, looking for you. IâŚâ
âYou found me.â You said, pulling away to see his face. You brushed his tears away with a gentle thumb. âYou found me, Steve.â
He surged forward, kissing you deeply, with a century of passion behind his lips. Your hand wandered into his soft blond hair, the other settling against his firm chest. His hands caressed your body, memorizing every curve and dip, lips chasing yours through every slight movement. And after, he pressed a dozen kisses to your cheeks, your forehead, your nose. You giggled, finally catching his lips again.
Your breaths were heavy when he finally pulled away; his, too. You straightened out the fabric of his dress shirt, pulling him back down for one last kiss. Then another. Then, really, one last one.
âI love you, Steve Rogers. Now, then, and always.â
âNow, then, and always.â He murmured, kissing you again.
The two of you cleaned yourselves up before returning to the rest of the party. You blew out your candles and made your wish, for an eternity side by side with him, that wherever life took the two of you, it took you there together.
You had a slice of cake and some ice cream, sitting on the couch next to Steve, legs draped over his. He used his thumb to dab a little frosting onto the tip of your nose. You smeared frosting across his cheek with yours, which made him laugh.
After, there was one last song before most of the guests would be headed home for the night. As soon as the instrumental kicked in, you got emotional. It had been your last song with Steve the night before, a song that had been written about those going off to war, their futures as uncertain as the stars were numerous.
For Steve, it held a different meaning. Heâd known then that his time with you was running out. He had no idea when heâd see you again, just that it would be a long time and that the version of you he met wouldnât even know him yet, that it might be years before he got to kiss you again.
And so, the two of you danced as you had the night before, on Steveâs twenty-fifth and on yours, your face tucked against his, his arms wrapped tight around you as you swayed gently to the music.
âWeâll meet again. Donât know where, donât know when, but I know weâll meet again some sunny dayâŚâ
Tags: @cap-lu20
#steve rogers x reader#steve rogers imagine#steve rogers#captain america#marvel#mcu#soulmate au#steve rogers soulmate au#the avengers
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Doing a clearout of all my fanfic WIPs so have this one I wrote back in, like, April.
ââââââââââââ
Leo woke, blinking in the bright sun.
âWha- What happened?â
He was lying on the wet grass outside Bunker 9. A bunch of his cabin mates, Piper, and Jason were all crowded around him. There was one of those arm thingies around his bicep, and Will Solace, the head healer in the Apollo cabin, was checking his blood pressure, a First Aid kid lay open next to him on the grass.
âYou just⌠collapsed,â Piper said. Her expression was worried.
âHuh?â
âI donât think itâs anything too serious,â Will concluded, âyour cabin-mates tell me you havenât left the workshop in three days. Youâve been working non-stop all week. Youâre exhausted, man.â
Leo sat up, and rubbed his head, âI feel fine,â he lied.
âWell, your vital signs are okay. Not great, but youâre not dying,â Will took off the blood pressure thingy, and closed his med kit, âYour temperatureâs higher than it should be, though.â
âNah, thatâs normal for me,â Leo admitted, âIâm fire boy, remember?â
Will sighed, âWell then, Iâm prescribing you three days off. Get some rest, dude, and when was the last time you ate something?â
Leo ignored his question, âThree days! But Iâve got work to do! The Argo II wonât build itself, and-â
âWeâll handle it, donât worry,â one of his siblings said.
âBut-â
âLeo,â Willâs tone was stern, and Leo knew he wasnât taking no for an answer, âDoctorâs Orders. Now, Jasonâs gonna take you back to camp, get you some food.â
Jason came closer, and offered his hand, âCan you stand?â
Leo groaned, ignored Jasonâs hand, and stood up by himself.
âHonestly, guys, Iâm fine.â
He didnât like everyone fussing over him like this. He wasnât a baby. He could handle himself.
Jason grabbed him by the shoulders, and steered him towards Camp. Piper followed. Leo tried to struggle and protest, but Jasonâs grip on him tightened. He was strong, or maybe Leo was just really weak.
Will nodded at the other Hephaestus kids, and they went back inside.
âAnd just because heâs head counsellor, doesnât mean yâall should go following his example,â Will called after them, âThe infirmary is already crowded enough without a bunch of campers who have overworked themselves half to death.â
#Will and Leo being friends tho-#texas buddies#hoo fanfic#leo valdez fanfic#heroes of olympus fanfic#percy jackson fanfiction#pjo fanfic#leo valdez fic#percy jackson fic#pjo fic#leo pjo#leovaldez#team leo#all da ladies luv leo#leo valdez#leo valdez angst#leo valdez hc#leo valdez headcanons#leo valdez pjo#pjo leo#percy jackson#pjo fandom#pjo#percy jackson fandom#pjo hoo toa#percy jackson and the heroes of olympus#pjo hoo#pjo hoo toa tsats#will solace headcanon#will solace pjo
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Today I had an appointment with Cardiology. I think the Cardiologist is avoiding me bc the whole time I was under his care his attitude was Iâm doing these tests bc your anxious not bc I think thereâs something wrong with you and Thereâs nothing more we can do and itâs not going to kill you. You need to learn to live with your heart problems and be ok with that. So he was kind of flabbergasted when I came back after starting methotrexate and my blood pressure & heart rate were completely normal after years of them progressively getting worse to the point of both being in the 190-200s.
So anyways, heâs been pawning me off on his assistants which is fine with me. At multiple appointments I had mentioned how my low blood pressure was one of my most debilitating symptoms. He never wanted to put me on meds for that bc to him my low blood pressure wasnât a problem. But it is a problem. It affects my vision. It affects my cognition. It makes it dangerous to drive and impossible to think or accomplish tasks. He literally told me to just drink more water and then talk to his assistants. For two weeks I drank so much water and electrolytes that I was vomiting it up into my mouth when I moved. I ate all the salt I could take and used compression wraps. Nothing helped. I had to set alarms to remind me to take caffeine before driving and make sure I was home before it started to wear off. A few times it wasnât enough and I had to pull over and wait it out.
So today his assistant finally prescribed me Midodrine. Which is so laughable for anyone in the POTS community bc itâs usually one of the first things drs try (after the water & salt trick đ) but Iâve been going to the doctors for POTS symptoms since 2009 and have been disabled by those symptoms since 2014 and this is the first time it was ever an option. I understand that for a while my blood pressure was too high to consider taking Midodrine but I havenât had high blood pressure since the summer of 2023 and itâs almost 2025 now? Itâs ridiculous.
Anyways, Iâll let yâall know how it turns out. Itâs a short acting medication that Iâm supposed to take three times a day. I took my first dose an hour ago and so far my eyes feel better, I can breathe better and my blood pressure is ideal so Iâm taking that as a good sign.
#health update#tw doctors#tw ableism#tw healthcare#cardiologist#dysautonomia#orthostatic hypotension#postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome#gastroparesis#ehlers danlos syndrome#spondyloarthritis#inflammatory polyarthritis#methotrexate#Enbrel#Midodrine
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Hi i saw your post about Percy headcannons and I was wondering if you could write about Percy together with an adhd reader and the readers meds make them lose their appetite and he helps them eat and just a generally fluffy headcannon?
Hiii! Thank you for asking :3 I have ADHD too, so I hope I somehow made the story more realistic. I hope you don't mind if I ended up writing a fanfic directly, I've been thinking about this comfort story for the entire day!
I'm safe with you.
Additional tags: reader has ADHD and they're using meds, stimming, food disorder, GN!Reader, not smut for once, love confession, very soft Percy. You can read it on AO3 too! Remember that English is not my native language (plus I've wrote it in the middle of the night). Divider: cafekitsune Summary: It has passed three days since the last time you've eat something. You fainted between Percival's arms, who is deadly worried for you.
âI swear I can burp louder than you!â Grog shouted, swaying the overflowing beer mug dangerously, then drinking it all in one gulp and loudly belching in front of Scanlan's face.Â
âPff. You're a rookie. Take that!â the bard replied, echoing the gesture but intensifying the sound through his magic.
The vigorous man crossed his arms over his chest. âThat's not fair! I can't win that way!â
On your end, you stood in a corner at the very end of the table, smiling shyly. Or rather, it wasn't so much a shy smile as a nervous one, which exuded discomfort. The medicine that Whitestone's doctor had prescribed for you (Percival had insisted that you go there) tasted terrible and the side effects were even worse: nausea, tremors, lack of appetite, dizziness. Except for that last one, so far you had checked all three off your daily list. You hadn't told anyone about it, to avoid worrying anyone (or even worse, that someone would force you to stay at the De Rolo castle, especially if that someone was your boyfriend). Yet, as soon as you looked up from the plate full of beans and steaming beef, two pale green eyes, circled by an elegant silver frame, were there, staring at you. Eyebrows bent downward, lips half-closed as if to say something. Percy was doing the dishes -- it was his turn (and, besides, he was practically the only one respecting it, besides you) -- but he was close enough to know that something was amiss. Although his attentions were always appreciated by you, whatever their nature, you just wanted to stay by yourself that night.Â
However, the first (and only) attempt to sneak away was a fiasco. Two steps and your knees collapsed like a potato bag. Thankfully, keeping you from hitting your head, Percy was right there. He had thrown the plates in the air to catch you on the fly. You felt your mind getting foggy, your mouth heavy.Â
âHey,â he said, his eyes wide. âAre you okay?â âMm-hm.â You didn't have the energy to think. Curling up in his arms suddenly seemed like the most reasonable choice. He smelled of jasmine and black powder. Around him, Grog, Scanlan and Vax also gathered.
âMaybe I'd better take you to the room. Hold on to me.â
âDo you need a hand?â asked the half-elf, frowning.Â
âNo, I thank you. I'll take care of it,â he replied, lifting you up and resting his arms behind his neck. Vax couldn't see it, but he was gently stroking your muscles with his thumbs. He loved to run his fingertips over your body, especially when he could get lost in making little circles. Somehow, he was giving comfort to both of you.
He carried you out of the huge dining room without saying anything else, holding you to his body. He was radiating a pleasant warmth, and you instinctively rubbed your face against his blouse on the way. Within minutes, you were in your bed, him sitting beside you, stroking your face.
âHey,â he said smiling, stroking your cheek. âIt's the medicine, isn't it? How long has it been since you've eaten?â
Three fingers up. You hadn't eaten for three days.
âThree days? Holy shit... you should have told me,â he remarked, running a gloved hand through his snow-white hair.Â
âI didn't...want to worry you....â Guilt began to weigh down your heart, forcing you to bite your lips nervously and touch your fingertips to each other in a vain attempt to calm down, but it was only his hand under your chin that stopped the flow of obsessive thoughts. He forced you to look at him.
âIt has to stop happening, okay? Talk to me. Let's communicate. You don't have to carry everything on your shoulders.â
Yeah. Percival was right. But it was so difficult even the act of thinking sometimes. Your head was perpetually bulging with thoughts, things to do, external stimuli, sounds, smells, textures. The missions, the places to explore and their dangers, the screaming, the blood, the metal, the fire. Medication had lessened all that, it was true. For a moment, sleep and daily life had become more bearable, but food had lost your attention.Â
âI'm sorry.â You felt tears in the back of your eyes. The last thing you wanted was to make him angry.Â
âYou don't have to apologize to me,â he said softly, then stood up and reached for a pitcher and a glass of water. He filled it, handing it to you. âLet's start with the simple things. Drink a little.âÂ
Very quietly, the first sips went down your throat. Then, faster and faster. In a few moments you had swallowed all the water. Percival watched you from the edge of the bed, one hand on your leg distractedly playing with the fabric of your pants.Â
âGood. Shall we try to eat something?â
Your stomach hadn't fully opened yet, but the idea of worrying your boyfriend made you feel worse.Â
âW-What can I eat?â
âLet's see-I can get you a slice of cake, if Grog has left some. Gods, he eats like he's still about to grow!â she huffed, raising his hands to the sky and earning your laughter. His green eyes sparkled and he smiled back. âWait for me.â
âE-even if I wanted to, I don't think I could move from here except as a worm. Crawling.â
He stood up, chuckling. âYou're terrible,â he said, kissing your forehead and then pointing toward the door. âI'll be right back.â
You spent the next few minutes looking at your hands. How worn they were ... then, flashes of hands covered by leather gloves: protecting your fingers, squeezing them, medicating them. Not a moment had passed since you had met Percival De Rolo that those hands had been left to their fate. Since he had become your boyfriend, then, less so. The knuckles had been kissed, the hands held on your warm, milk-white chest. Loneliness was but a distant memory, but ... having someone taking care of you was far beyond your expectations.Â
Your thoughts were interrupted by the squeaking of the wooden door and the rush of cold air against your skin. Percival was holding not one, but two slices of chocolate cake, rigorously arranged on finely decorated plates. He placed one of them on your thighs, held the other in his hand, then sat back down on the edge of the bed.Â
âCan you sit closer?âÂ
âHow much closer?â âHere. Let's eat together.â
Percy, being very careful not to let his dessert fly onto his jacket, settled down next to you at your pat on the mattress. You rested your head on his shoulder for a brief moment, and he rested his own on top of you. Your free hands sought each other, entwining. It was a quiet, long minute, except for your breaths in the cold room. Then, he broke the silence.
âI know it's hard -- but really, let me carry some of your struggles on my shoulders.â
âPercy...you just got a demon off your fucking back, why don't you leave them in peace?â
âBecause I love you.â
You almost had a stroke. Yes, you were now a couple (in a very adolescent way, had been your response after an initial, very shy kiss and his question, âWhat are we?â), but you had never confessed to each other, you had limited yourselves to a few brief contacts of hands, arms and yes, occasionally lips. Things between you were complicated, mainly because neither of you had ever been in a steady relationship and everything was pretty new.Â
And just as you opened your mouth to respond, a forkful of cake flew down your throat, followed by her laughter.Â
âPercy! I was going to choke-â
A blow kiss sealed your lips. âMaybe I found a way to get you to eat more often.â
#percival de rolo#percival de rolo x reader smut#percival de rolo fluff#the legend of vox machina#tlovm#adhd#neurodivergence#reriwrites#rerireplies#cr#critical role
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the night shift
pairing: idol!jeonghan x caregiver!f.reader
genre: fluff, strangers to lovers, a little bit of angst
summary: itâs such a surprise what just three months of your life can do to you. it can actually change your life.
word count: 10.3k
rating: 13+Â
warning: mention of death (not major character). a few swear words here and there. a lot of time skips, i hope it doesn't impede the reading flow!
a/n: i have officially been sucked into the world of svt and thereâs no getting out of here! i honestly just got into soft jeonghan feels and wrote this. iâm writing after a very long time, and so much has happened since my last update on tumblr. iâm sorry if i have kept any of you waiting đ. i will try to update regularly now!Â
i hope you enjoy reading it!
âHello. Iâm L/N Y/N.â You bowed deeply to the young man sitting in front of you in a wheelchair, a bored expression feeting in his eyes, his blonde hair falling raggedly over his face. A face you were not unfamiliar with.Â
The man twisted his lip in annoyance and looked at the other man in the room. âWhy is she here?â
âHyung, you had said youâd keep a nurse.â
âI donât remember, Hoshi. Perhaps, I was under the effect of heavy medication. Because of these fucking meds-â he seemed mildly irritated as he swatted his hand about in the air. âNone of these meds are heavy in any way. Donât pretend youâve forgotten!â The younger boy whined, and continued, âJeonghan hyung, the company, the doctor, the members, your family. Everyone has said that this is the best for you. You donât have a say in this,â Hoshi had stood up to hold Jeonghanâs hands down. âHyung, please.â
The man in the wheelchair had no option but to become limp in Hoshiâs hold. Flecks of irritation still on his face, he kept glaring at you with the worldâs most disinterested look. âOne month.âÂ
âHoshi-ssi told me three monthsâŚ?â
âNo. One month. You work for me, I decide the rules.â
He swiftly turned his wheelchair around and went back into his bedroom.
âHeâs moody these days, his mind is really fragile. I hope you understand.â Hoshi spoke to you gently. âYes, I do. Iâve dealt with more stubborn patients, donât worry.â
âIâll leave you to settle down, then! Annyeong!â And the cheery young man left, after bowing his goodbyes.Â
You had a sense of foreboding creeping into your heart. There was perfect silence in the apartment almost as if you were alone in the entire space. But you knew you were not. How was it possible that Yoon Jeonghan could exist so soundlessly? What if he was actually not- oh god, what if he had passed out or something? You quickly go to his bedroom and knock on the door frantically. âPlease, Jeonghan-ssi!â Slowly you heard one breath being released. The door slowly creaked open. The apartment became full of life again as you felt Yoon Jeonghanâs beautiful face eyeing you curiously, like his new found toy.
_
The first week was a chaotic one, but by the time the fortnight had passed, you knew Yoon Jeonghan was now in your grip. Idle, he had all the time in the world to prank you and tease you, even while being in his wheelchair. Sometimes he would feign memory loss and forget who you were, other times he would ask you to change his shirt after he had dropped some soup on it. If your days at the hospital, where you were interning, were tiring, your nights were even more challenging. He would fall asleep without taking the prescribed medicines, shuffle out of his wheelchair without calling for your help as he should have, and behave just like any naughty kid would. And you had no option but to scold him each time. But you could never be too angry at the man. He would smile the most angelic smile at you, making your veins burst and melt at the same time, your anger dissipating into annoyance into laughter. Eventually you would smile to yourself every time he was successful in his teasing, each feat giving him immense happiness. One successful prank, and Yoon Jeonghan was a happy man.Â
There were other ways to coax him into submission too. Making him his favourite ramyeon to warm his body whenever he could not sleep in the winter nights. Watching Junâs new drama with him, and giggling over the kissing scenes, as Jeonghan would give you live commentary on how Jun would probably be behind the scenes. Combing his hair, which was growing longer by the day, into neat braids.Â
You had, eventually, and unthinkably, fallen into a routine.Â
-
âWhat is it exactly that you do in the daytime?â He had asked you once, while you were preparing breakfast for him before leaving for college. âI go to med school. Then I intern at the local hospital.âÂ
âI know. But that canât be it. Surely school and internships canât leave someone as dog-tired as you come home, Nurse L/N.â He looked at you with suspicious eyes, a mischievous spark in his doe eyes. You knew he was going to tease you now.Â
You had, honestly, gotten used to this, and started recognizing the signs. Before you would cry out in anguish every time his teasing got the better of you. âJeonghan-ssi. I forbid you from speaking ill about my favourite pen. Itâs my lucky pen. I always do well in exams I write with this.â âOh, save heavens I make fun of your dearest pen.â And he had laughed, all while knowing he had hidden the pen below his pillow. He would give it to you the next morning, a wave of relief flashing over your tense features, extremely nervous over the exam that day. âDonât worry. Youâve studied so much. Youâll do well, irrespective of the pen.â And then he had the audacity to wink. Fucking wink. After all the superstitious stress he had put you through the entire night.Â
âHave you ever met any person from the medicine industry?â
âNope. No people. Some annoying aliens though, prescribing bullshit medicines to me which I donât even need. And of course, Iâve met you.â
âYou donât even know how stressful med school is. And then, at the internship, theyâll ask us interns to do everything. Right from sanitising the scalpels, to cleaning the floor if someone spills coffee, and the very next moment, theyâll ask me to perform a minor treatment, as if I wasnât busy polishing the floor right now.â You huffed and puffed as you served Jeonghan the sunny-side-up. He had already put butter on his bread and began eating it.Â
âOkay, Iâll be leaving now. Your coffee is in this pot. Iâve baked some cookies last night, while you were on that live call with fans-â
âOoh thatâs why the entire house was smelling like dogshit.â
âSHUT UP! They taste very good.â
âDogshit? Youâve tried? A true connoisseur-â
âYoon Jeonghan. Iâll put you in timeout.â
âNo!â He instantly put on his angelic smile, pouting, his features full of aegyo, and your momentary anger melts. Oh you donât know what to do with this one.Â
_
20 days later, you could feel the wall between you two breaking down slowly. He had become more accepting to having you bossing around the house, keeping it clean and keeping him safe. Although you worked with him only for the night shift, the two of you would often have conversations, aside from the bickering, the nonsense he kept spewing and the teasing, that would actually be meaningful.Â
âYouâre wearing your shirt the other way round, Nurse L/N,â he said as soon as you unlocked the door and stepped into the house after finishing your job.Â
âOh!â You dropped your bags immediately and made your way to the washroom attached to your bedroom to change. âThatâs why everyone on the subway kept staring at me.â When you returned to the hall, Yoon Jeonghan was sitting in the same way, flicking through his phone.Â
âYou didnât wear the shirt wrong in the morning?â He cocks an eyebrow, and you blush all over. He had caught you. Clearing your throat, âUmm, wellâŚâ He tilts his head, letting the evening sun fall on his hair and making it shimmer. âI had a date today.âÂ
Immediately your veins start burning as he makes his way towards you, a small smile on his lips. âNurse L/N! How did it go?â he asks you, then doesnât wait for an answer. âAhh well. Thatâs a wrong question. If youâre wearing your shirt the other way round, it mustâve gone well.â Peeking at you, to see your blush spreading all the way to your neck now. âWho is the unlucky person then?âÂ
Argh. Not even 10 minutes into the house and he had started teasing you.Â
âHeâs my friend from med school. We intern at the same hospital.â
âShow me a photograph.â
âWhy?â
âI want to see!â
âWhy? This is personal space.â You fold your arms, going along with his teasing.Â
âI want to see if heâs more handsome than me.â Jeonghan declares solemnly, as if thatâs the most reasonable response. And when you burst out laughing, he laughs with you too, but continues whining to see the photo. And you have no option but to yield.Â
_
When Hoshi-ssi had approached you through his manager to take care of Jeonghan for the next three months till he recovered from the accident that had broken his left leg, you had been reluctant before saying yes. Firstly, you hadnât believed that such a famous celebrity would be requesting for you, when they had all kinds of services at their disposal anyway. Then you learnt that you had taken care of Hoshiâs aunt when she was very ill and bed-ridden, and the good feedback had flown in from his family. Hoshiâs aunt had been your second patient, your first being your own mother, who had suffered from schizophrenia, before you had lost her two years ago. Although your eyes were still wet from those memories, you had decided to take nursing up as a side profession, to pay for the bills of med school, and put your nursing skills to use as well. Seven clients later, you had landed this job- taking care of the superstar idol, Yoon Jeonghan.Â
âItâs a night shift. So youâll have to interact very little with the patient. Through the day, he can take care of himself. We just expect you to keep him company as his⌠mental state⌠is really weak right now, perhaps more than his physical state,â the manager had said.
You werenât a Carat. You didnât even follow idol groups. You didnât want to seem like a golddigger, and you knew well that these celebrities could throw tantrums, or even worse, ill-treat you.Â
But when Hoshi-ssi personally called you, you simply could not refuse. There was something so soft in his voice, laced with worry whenever he spoke about his hyung, you simply knew you had to help this man out.Â
And you had taken up the job.
The apartment was big enough for you to stay comfortably. Jeonghan was non-interfering in your personal matters, mostly. From time to time, he would comment on your hairstyle, worry about the dark circles under your eyes, suggest a new skincare product, and enquire about your family in all politeness. You had thought the initial courtesy he showed would die down, and then he would minimise his interactions with you.Â
However, to your great (mis?)fortune, he stayed up every day, even after 25 days had passed, waiting for you to come back home. He would sit at the dinner table, as you made dinner in the kitchen. He would text you, while you were at work, sometimes meaningful questions, other times random thoughts, and even more rarely (thankfully), some photographs. Of his pet rock, of a new parcel delivered home, of takeout he had ordered for lunch instead of eating what you had cooked for him that morning, of himself.Â
Oh, of himself.Â
Those selcas were the rarest, and yet you kept wishing for him to send you one whenever your phone lit up with a notification. While you would sit in the break room, eating lunch between classes, youâd wait for it. When hanging out with friends after the internship, youâd wait for it. When your date from two weeks ago, Minho, took you out to coffee, you found yourself waiting for it again.Â
And when it did, youâd save it instantly. Take a screenshot if it was a one-time view. Stare at it endlessly, sometimes laughing at the filters he would set up, sometimes smiling wistfully into his beautiful brown irises, looking at the camera with odd affection. You knew he generally sent those photos to you to get a reaction before posting them on Weverse for his fans. But somewhere in your heart, you had begun to wish, he would click those photos for you. Not for his fans, not out of boredom, not just to check if his face was still handsome. Just for you.
But that was the least of your problems.Â
_
Your job had turned a month old, and you paced about in your bedroom, having packed your bags already, ready to be kicked out. Although Yoon Jeonghan had been fairly tolerable these last few days, one could never understand what went about in his mind.Â
You were mentally listing off all the things youâd have to worry about now. Youâd have to go back to your shitty paid guest room, and pay rent. Youâd have to go without the extra cash from this job, barely making enough to eat four meals a day. Only somewhere in the corner of your mind, another little thought came up- youâd have to live without the living breathing caramel sunshine that was Yoon Jeonghan. You had truly gotten used to living with him- as a roommate, of course. Even with his irks and mischief, his moments of vulnerability and his fake aegyo. You had learnt to not dislike him, and now he was getting too close to your heart.Â
A sharp knock on your bedroom door broke you out of your thoughts. âNurse L/N? You didnât come to wake me up?â He says it so normally, as if youâre not combusting with nerves right now. âItâs not 8 am yet, you donât like it if I wake you up before that.â
He yawns. Lazy, warm, still in his night sleepsuit. His hair messy, his skin looking soft and his lips looking-Â
âWhatâs all these bags for?â
âHuh?â
âYouâre leaving me?â He starts to pout, making your insides like molten lava.Â
âI- uh- one month-â you manage to stutter out, wondering if he had truly forgotten or if this was one of his pranks. âOne monthâs done? Yay! I am two months away from freedom. Nurse L/N, can you please order waffles for me today, Iâve been craving something sweet!â He whirls around his wheelchair after flashing his brightest, cutest smile at you. Left with your mouth open, you already start thinking whether all the ingredients for waffles could be found at home or not.Â
_
While you would be away during the day, his members or family would come visit him, to help him dress or bathe. Every other day, youâd see him sitting with a member of his group, hearing their laughter even before seeing them when you entered the house. Sometimes more than one would turn up, and it would be a party.Â
They always treated you with great respect. Joshua would profusely thank you, the polite charismatic gentleman he was, for taking care of Jeonghan. Seungcheol would ask you regularly whether you were well, whether his friend was irritating you, and whether the terms of work were suitable for you. The days when his members would arrive, usually Jeonghan would switch on live, for his fans. Mostly the lives would get over as soon as you would arrive, sometimes they would continue after you arrived as well, and youâd try your best to soundlessly work through the house so as to not disturb anyone. Contractually bound to secrecy and personally wishing for no involvement with his fans, this was an arrangement suiting you perfectly.Â
Except one day, when he was doing the live all on his own. You dropped a small glass, and hurt your finger in the broken glass. Almost on instinct, Jeonghan had shouted out, âNurse L/N, are you okay? Did you break something?â Hearing voice full of concern, real genuine concern, you couldn't help but reply back. âYeah Iâm okay! Donât worry, itâs just a glass.â âHmm, okay.â
Cleaning up your wound, you had tiptoed towards Jeonghanâs room, where he was arranging legos while streaming live. Your heart was pounding in your chest, waiting for the call from his company, asking you to resign. Knocking softly on the door, you entered, trying to signal him to not mention you aloud and asking him if the company had reached out to him to announce your dreadful fate.Â
âOu?âÂ
Facepalming yourself as Jeonghan asked you in the loudest whisper possible, you gave up. Even if your earlier reply was probably not audible due to the distance, it was so clear now when Jeonghan visibly looked up at you, and asked you, in the most innocent way. âOu? What are you saying?â You were about to leave the room, when suddenly he introduced you, out LOUD, in front of his fans. âCaratdeul! This is Nurse L/N, sheâs taking good care of me! Donât worry for me. Nurse L/N, please say hello!â By now, you were palpitating. Your phone would ring any moment. Any- âHello, I am Nurse L/N. Iâll take your leave now, Jeonghan-ssi,â you said, without showing your face on the camera.Â
But Yoon Jeonghan had no intention to let you escape. âNurse L/N,â he cried out, with a pout on his face, his eyes shining behind his glasses, âhow does my lego model look?â It was a model of some sports car. âHmm, looks good!â âEveryone!â A smug look appeared on Jeonghanâs face, âThis is the first time Nurse L/N has said my work looks good! This is all thanks to our Carats.â Taking his self-absorbed, smiling-widely-till-his-eyes-disappeared moment as an excuse, you left the room. Because another minute, and you wouldnât be able to stop yourself from crossing a line.Â
_
You were well into the second month, when the panic attacks started.Â
They were most likely triggered by the doctorâs report that morning. Jeonghan-ssi, Iâm afraid youâll need more time to recover. Although your femurâs not broken, itâs extremely weak, and your legs cannot support your weight now. Even after recovery, I would advise you to not dance heavily for at least another month.Â
You had been awoken by a sharp scream in the middle of the night, no scratch that, early in the morning, as you could see the first rays of dawn streaming in through the window. Immediately you rushed to Jeonghanâs room, who slept with his door unlocked for such emergency situations. âAre you okay?â
And instead of the calm fairy you expected, you were met by a ghost.Â
Yoon Jeonghan was sitting upright in his bed, sweat pouring down from his forehead and arms, his long blonde hair dishevelled, and his chest heaving for air. The worst was over, you reckoned, as you gently stepped closer to him.Â
For the first time in two months, you saw fear in Yoon Jeonghanâs eyes. As soon as you came near the bed, he reached out to grip your hands. You whispered to him, endlessly rubbing his arms and his back, itâll be alright, youâre okay, donât worry, iâm here, youâll be okay, youâre safe with me, until you could feel his heart rate slow down to a normal pace.Â
He then looked at you, in such an inexplicably fond way, like-
Like you were his light.Â
Like you were the stars in his dark night.
Like you were his world.Â
And you succumbed to the urge of hugging him. You pressed him gently to your body, trying to relay your warmth to his colder body, initially hesitant as to how he would receive your action.Â
To your surprise, he pulled you in closer. You realised it was his anxiety speaking, his fingers still trembling from the shock. And not his need to be close to you, as your dumb brain hoped somehow.Â
But then, he kept the hope alive.Â
âStay with me tonight, Y/N.â
_
The entire day, you were extremely distracted, both in school and at work. Fumbling with things, clumsily dropping things, and forgetting important tasks. Yoon Jeonghan had called you by your first name for the first time. This single thought kept spiralling in your head, finding root in some delusion or the other. The entire night, you had spent with him. Hugging him first, then he had laid down and put his head on your lap. And you had stroked his hair, until he was asleep. You had sent a text to Seungcheol, asking him to come and stay with Jeonghan, as you didnât want to leave him alone like this but you couldnât miss classes today. He had immediately agreed, and turned up sharp at 7 am. Instead of waking up Jeonghan, you had left your blanket next to him to fool him of your presence, and left the house, leaving the man in his best friendâs care.Â
Last night had been a monstrous event for the tiny feeling you felt in your heart every time you thought of Jeonghan, which was actually nearly every second. Long forgotten was Minho and his stupid face and stupid voice and stupid pick-up lines. The only voice which sent warm electric shocks through your entire body was the one that belonged to Yoon Jeonghan. You kept texting Seungcheol, asking him for updates, whether Jeonghan had eaten, whether he had bathed, whether he had taken his afternoon nap, whether he was talking normally, whether his blood pressure was normal, so on and on. Even when his replies satisfied you, you were always nervous about what was happening back home.Â
Home.Â
Was the house you spent your nights in now home? Was the subway station you had now gotten used to getting off at home? Was the bedroom you slept in now home?
Or was he home?
When you did return to your home, you found the man who had occupied all your thoughts through the day sitting next to Seungcheol, giggling about something on his phone. âOh youâre here!â Seungcheol says, popping up when he spots you enter. âHi. I came home early.â
Jeonghanâs smile disappears, and you tense up already. You have no idea whatâs coming.Â
âIâll be leaving then. Heâs been asking for you all day anyway,â Seungcheol smirks against Jeonghanâs little rebellious whines, and your stomach churns in worry. He bows to you, and leaves. Leaving you with the blonde little elephant in the room.Â
âSo. How are you feeling, Jeonghan-ssi?â You ask after a while, breaking the ice finally. He shifts towards one side of the sofa, and you instinctively step forward, wondering if he wanted to get up into his wheelchair now, but he only pats the seat next to him, asking you to sit down.Â
âIâm sorry for last night, Nurse L/N.â There, back to just a fucking nurse. It was a slip of tongue. âYou donât have to be. This is what Iâm here for. This is what youâre paying me for,â you chuckle, but he doesnât even smile. âBut I invaded your personal space-â you lean forward, hold his hand, and say, âHey. Donât worry. I hugged you out of my own accord.â âBecause you wanted to?â he whispers, and you whisper back, your heart beating in your throat, your voice hoarse with emotion, âYes, because I wanted to.â
âCan you do it again then?â
Quirking your eyebrows, you realised heâs being dead serious. Thereâs no way he could lie and tease you with such vulnerability in his eyes. And so you hug him. Itâs not as close as last night, but the embrace still makes your spine tingle with happiness. You hope against hope he cannot hear your heartbeat.Â
When you try to pull away, he lets you, but keeps holding on to your hand.Â
âIâm- umm, what they call, clingy. I appreciate physical comfort. Iâm sorry if youâre uncomfortable. You can move away when you like.â
âNo. I donât feel uncomfortable at all. If you like, we could hug more often. Or you could hold my hand. Or put your head on my shoulder orâŚâ you didnât want to think of his head on your lap again. You would not be able to control the urge to kiss his forehead and eyes and tiny button nose and of course, the pretty lips.Â
âBut you have a boyfriendâŚâÂ
âHuh?â Youâre taken aback now. What was this? âI have a boyfriend I donât even know about?â
âThat boy, Minho? You went out on dates with him?â He looks confused. You bite your lip, âOh. No, I lost interest. We didnât date, at least seriously.â
âOh," you saw the clouds in his face clearing.
So he was worried about your boyfriend being uncomfortable with a grown man hugging you for emotional support? Jeez. What did he think your taste in men was?
"Can I make another request?" God, what's this tone? You had never heard it before but you could sure get used to it. Pouty-faced, soft voiced Jeonghan was definitely your favourite. As if you could ever say no to him.Â
"Hmm, go on?"
"Can you sleep in my room today?"
You wish you could say no to him.
âIn your bed?â
âNo, I think your bed can be shifted to my room? Itâll fit also. Itâs a single, thin bed.â
You know it will fit. You also know your room is big enough to fit another queen-sized bed. But when youâre that close, how will you be able to tolerate the distance?
âHmm. I think it could fit. But I think itâs too heavy for me to carry today⌠maybe I can ask some help from neighbours or friends tomorrow and set it up in your room? Meanwhile today⌠I could bring a mattress and sleep on the floor.â
âNo!â He cried out. âI mean- you can always sleep next to me.â He smiles, a little angelic, a lot devilish. You know heâs teasing now.Â
You take away your hand from his, and you can see him begin to whine at the loss of warmth. âOn the floor then.â
But yet again, as dawn breaks, he screams awake again, and you notice tears rolling down his cheeks also. He hides his face from you when you sit next to him to calm him down, embarrassed of his tears. You wipe them away with your hands (and not with kisses).Â
And thatâs how he falls asleep again. He lies down fairly far away from you, at least an armâs distance. But your hand is still in his, and you canât sleep, overly conscious about drifting towards him in your sleep. Youâre content just taking in his beautiful face through the sunrise, drinking up his features like youâre parched, wishing you could put your fingers at each spot on his face, feeling the bone and the muscle and the skin, feeling his breath.
_
âIf you donât mind me asking⌠what triggered your nightmare?â You ask him the next morning. Good heavens, itâs a free Sunday after ages, and you had been looking forward to this for weeks now. You had so many plans- ordering food for brunch, catching up on your favourite k-drama, buying a new pair of shoes. But you realised- all of these plans involved Jeonghan. You couldnât imagine doing any of this without him.
Youâre sitting with Jeonghan in the small balcony of his apartment, which overlooks the city almost entirely. Itâs a serene view, the sunshine not too harsh, and Yoon Jeonghan hasnât let go of your hand ever since last night. You hadnât pushed him too far for answers yesterday, thinking it was a one-time thing. But today, you were getting more curious and worried.Â
âUmmm⌠Iâm not too sure myself? I just have a lot of thoughts these days.â You stroke the thumb of his hand which lies in your palm now. âWhat thoughts? Do you miss your members? Your fans?â âYeah, I do. But itâs not like that justâŚâ You know heâs hesitating, but heâs seconds away from crying. âJeonghan-ssi. Go on. Iâm here.âÂ
After a VERY long pause, he says softly.Â
âYou know how the doctor said Iâll need at least another month, even after this hiatus of three months, before I can go back to my normal self, being an idol.â You hum in between his pauses. âIâm scared, Nurse L/N. Iâm scared⌠theyâll forget me. And even if they donât, Iâll be disappointing them. I wonât be able to meet my fansâ expectations anymore. They wonât get what they deserve from me.â
âNo one deserves anything from you. You donât owe them anything.â
âYou donât understand,â you can sense his voice getting hoarse and louder. âFans arenât easy to explain to- and to be honest, which fan wouldnât be upset seeing their favourite idol isnât going to dance well any more? Hell, Iâm probably no oneâs favourite idol anymore.â He looks away from you, his hand already retracted from yours.Â
âJeonghan-ssi. Firstly, if you really care about your fans so much, they most likely care about you a lot too. Of course, theyâll understand. And secondly, have you checked twitter? Or instagram? They keep talking about your health, and look forward to your live videos-â
He smiles, âYeah, theyâre asking about you too.â You ignore the statement and continue, âI understand where your vulnerability is coming from- but you can only improve your mindset by not thinking of the worst case possible.â
He doesnât say anything. His face is still sullen, dark clouds storming in his eyes.Â
âJeonghan-ssi, youâre not that easy to forget, and less easier to replace. I donât think your fans will forget you so soon.âÂ
He looks at you, his lips pursed in a hopeful trance. You know heâs still extremely scared of the future, but then, who wasnât? It was only natural to be afraid of uncertainty. You gently pat his head, and ask, âIs one of your band members going to come today? For bathing and dressing youâŚ?â
Frankly, you didnât understand why they couldnât keep a full-time caregiver who would be professionally trained to do all the work required. But you had seen Jeonghanâs attitude the first time you suggested this. No. Iâm not an object for pity, and caregivers will pity me. Plus I donât trust them. I trust you, I trust my members. Iâm only safe in your hands. You had wanted to ask why he trusted you- was it because he knew you really needed the money and a good place to stay? But you had simply nodded and left the issue.Â
âNo. I didnât ask any of them to come today. They have a shooting schedule today.â His voice sounded even more feeble. He probably missed being on set with them, laughing as a whole, playing games, singing and enjoying themselves. From the videos of their show, Going Seventeen, which Jeonghan had himself shown to you, you had noticed how solid their bond was, and how comfortable they were around each other, easier than friends, stronger than family members.Â
âOh.â This meant you would have to bathe him. Shit.Â
_
âIâm throwing my shirt!â âYeah.â You waited outside the door of the washroom as Jeonghan stripped inside, and threw his shirt through the slightly open door. You had become extremely flustered at the thought of dressing and undressing him, but he had provided a simple solution.Â
Although you doubted how simple it was, when you could hear him struggling to get his pants off. âNurse L/N. I think Iâll just bathe with my pants on!â âNo! Donât be a dirty boy. Do you want me to help?â You asked, breathless. âNo,â you could hear his sigh, âIâm fine. Iâve got it off. Here, catch!âÂ
Then there was the sound of the shower opening, the slight squeak of a tap, and a tune being emitted by the man showering there. You left quietly.
_
It was around 3 in the afternoon when you both had finished bathing, lunch, folding up laundry (you) and singing random songs (him), watching one episode of a k-drama (him) and wondering why hearts ached without any attack (you). âIâm going to take you out. Enough of staying indoors. Itâs eating into your brain.â You announce.Â
He almost jumps with you, but then winces. âBut where? I donât want to make a public appearance to collect sympathy and pity.â âYouâll see. You said you trust me, right?â He smiles, âAyy. Human trust doesnât go that far.â But you can see the excitement build in his eyes. âItâs a surprise.â âSurprises are not nice.â You tie up his eyes with a blindfold, leaving him no option but to huff and puff and whine and sulk.
But this surprise is nice. Jeonghanâs face lights up like a million watt bulb when you take off his blindfold and reveal him sitting in his dance practice room, all his members standing around him. He squeals in joy, and they all start talking instantly, making it too loud a chaos for you to decipher. Hell, you havenât even been able to tell their voices apart yet.Â
The man you know as Channie, comes to you and bows. âIâm so thankful to you for bringing Hyung here. Thank you for taking care of him!â Another man, Seokmin, joins him, and they both smile at you widely. You blush, suddenly caught off guard by the attention, and excuse yourself from the room, leaving the boys to their antics. You text Jeonghan that youâre going to meet up with your childhood best friend, and youâll be back to pick him up whenever he calls.Â
But he never calls you back. The members carry him around- they go to some restaurant, eat barbecue and drink a hell lot of beer, and then they drop him home. You had returned a couple of hours back, and when you see three strong able-handed men entering the house with Jeonghan, you take the chance.Â
âJeonghan-ssi. Do you still want me to bring my bed to your room?â Although the other three men stare at Jeonghan quizzically, he solemnly nods. Seungkwan asks you, âAre you sure thatâs okay with you? I tâs a really weird request!â Mingyu adds, âYeah, Hyung, if you need her anytime, you can just call out for her, sheâs anyway in the same house.â But Jeonghan wonât have it. âYah, please. Nurse L/N, please.â You sigh and say, âHeâs not feeling strong enough to sleep alone. Itâs okay, Iâve done this before. I understand the need for physical comfort.â âAre you sure?â Seungcheol asks you, and you nod your consent. Then he says, âWeâll help you bring the bed then!âÂ
That night, Jeonghan slept on his own bed, and you on your own, but he said he felt more relief knowing you were around him. Iâm worried for you too, you know. Worried? What on earth for? Nothing, just. Iâm feeling over-protective for everyone who matters to me right now. It was safe to say you slept in a constant dream-like state. Jeonghan did not wake up that night, and even if he did, it didnât wake you up. You woke up only to your alarm next morning, breaking your haze of dusty, autumn dreams of blonde ponytails, flowers in a garden, and a pretty face belonging to the man lying next to you.Â
_
Third month in, and you were feeling a little under the weather. Perhaps it was the flu passing around in your college for a while now, but you had been strictly banned from going to the hospital (an order you had cried and begged your supervisor to take back, fearing this was the premature end to your internship, but he had calmly asked you to come back when you were well). Jeonghan, meanwhile, was now out of his wheelchair, and simply walking about using a pair of crutches. He was in a better mental state now, as the nightmares became fewer and less intense, and his general moodiness also dissipated.Â
But of late, he was being too affectionate towards you. Perhaps it was the reason behind you falling in. His sickly sweet smile whenever you complimented him for walking well, his blush of shy satisfaction when he completed any small task you gave him. One day you stepped into the house and almost screamed before the man sitting on the sofa turned around and showed you that it was none but Jeonghan, with his hair dyed black now.Â
And dear heavens. That black mop of hair would kill you.Â
For, if blonde Jeonghan was an angel, an embodiment of sunshine, a picture of innocence, black-haired Jeonghan was all of that but a slight rough edge to him, making his features even sharper and his eyes even deeper. It was all you needed to stab a dagger in your heart every day. Now that youâre stuck at home on a leave for 10 days, you have nothing to do except look at this man, laugh at his antics and calm down the growing anxiety in your heart as to what youâd do after these three months got over and your contract would expire. And even though you never voiced your worries out loud, Jeonghan somehow caught them.Â
âHow many months are left till you graduate?â âAbout five months?â âHmm. You can actually stay in my apartment throughout and not go back to the shitty place you showed me pictures of.â You gawk, âYouâre crazy, how could I ever do that!â âNo Iâm serious, Nurse L/N.â You stick your tongue out, not interested in his pity offers. âYou know what your problem is, Nurse L/N?â Your face is still turned away from him. âYouâre just so stuffed with pride. Thatâs why youâre not taking the medicines Iâm giving you at correct times.âÂ
Oh, how the tables have turned.Â
âIâm fine.â You stress on every syllable, but Yoon Jeonghan canât seem to take the hint and buzz off.Â
And thatâs your biggest issue. He doesnât even tease you as much as he is genuinely caring for you now. As if youâre really his friend. You wonder what has brought about this kind of absurd change in him. Itâs not like anything had changed in how he saw you. Nurse L/N.
_
You were wrong about his teasing nature mellowing down. The next morning, when your supervisor had called, you had been in the washroom, and instead of just letting the call go until you returned, he had picked up the call and introduced himself as your Oppa.Â
Indigestion just had to hit you that very day.
You had no option but to let your blood boil in embarrassment as you overheard the entire conversation, helpless and frustrated.Â
âYes, umm⌠sheâs really stupid. She keeps forgetting stuff, you must know hahaha. No wonder sheâs totally forgotten about mentioning me. Iâm her local guardian haha.â
You hoped he would clarify something about the Oppa tag. Mention that he wasnât your boyfriend. Mention that he was your brother or something. Or even an older friend, but in vain. Jeonghan was hell-bent on spreading rumours in the hospital about your love life, one would think.
âYes! I know. Sheâs recovering now, Iâve been taking good care of her.â
âOh no, she doesnât have any family per se. She just has me.â
âAaah no no, itâs no like thatâŚâ you could hear his voice ambiguously trail off, leaving several loose ends. This mustâve been a question about that-
âOh sure! Thank you. Iâll let her know asap. Yes, yes tomorrow. Thank you.âÂ
After three minutes when you emerged from the washroom, pissed and stressed, Yoon Jeonghan was smiling to himself while watching a video on Youtube.Â
âWhat was that call for?â
âWhich call?â
You stare. He budges. âOh, your supervisor had called. He was asking if you can join back tomorrow. I said yes.â
âWhy did you pick up?â
âWhy not! Would you rather lose the one chance your supervisor gave you to come back?â He smirks, knowing he had hit your weak spot. âBut even then. Youâre not my Oppa.â âHuh? Iâm four years older than you!âÂ
âJeonghan-ssi. Just because youâre older than me doesnât mean you can introduce yourself as my Oppa. Are you dumb or do you not understand the connotations of such an introduction?âÂ
There was a pause.Â
âWhat would you suggest Iâd introduce myself as? I didnât want to say my name-â
âHer friend would just do. Or her neighbour. Or her classmate from college.â
âThose wouldnât have had similar connotations? Any boy answering any girlâs call would have similar connotations, Y/N-aah.â
Another pause. Maybe he hadnât realised he had called you by your first name.Â
âThen you should have just introduced yourself as the patient Iâm taking care of in the night shift. Everyone knows about that, Jeonghan-ssi. Honestly, anything but Oppa. Youâre not my Oppa.â
Before he could reply, you take your phone from the table and lock yourself into your room for the rest of the morning, too overwhelmed to say anything else or even look into the eyes of that dangerous man.Â
_
There had been very little conversation between the two of you through that day and the next, before you left for work again. He had tried a lot to initiate conversation with you, weird questions interrupting the silence now and then. But you were honestly too stressed to take any of his excuses and forgive him.Â
How dare he call himself your Oppa, when in three weeks he was going to simply forget you totally? How dare he even call you by your first name and break the professional formalities that were standard? You had thought the first time, that night, had been a slip of tongue in feverish delusion. This was no delusion. In bright daylight, he had crossed the line and called you by your name.Â
Although it shouldnât matter much, you rationaled. Oppa could mean a dozen different things. No one would assume it meant boyfriend.Â
But oh, you were so so wrong. You knew it as soon as you stepped into the hospital after an extremely tiring day at university, and saw people staring at you. You reached your supervisorâs cabin to mark your attendance, and he too gave you the weirdest looks. The peak of the entire farce was when Hyerin, your closest friend at the internship, whispered to you after hugging you warmly to welcome you back, âYOU DIDNâT TELL ME YOU HAD A BOYFRIEND?!â Aargh.Â
âHeâs not a boyfriend. Heâs just the patient Iâm taking care of. He randomly messed with me and introduced himself as my Oppa.â
âBUT I HAD NO IDEA HEâS LIKE A YOUNG GUY? I thought heâs a sixty-something fellow, no offence to old men who call themselves Oppa-â
âYeah heâs a young guy. I told you he had broken his leg?â
âYeah.â
âYeah. Breaking legs doesn't require the person to be old. It was an accident while he was crossing the street.â
 âStill! This changes thing, hmmmmâ she smirks, and you know where itâs headed. âBeing in close quarters with a man only slightly older than you⌠are you sure heâs not dashingly sexy? Not a sugar daddy type? I could come and help you in your nursing job then.â
âNo, and no. He is pretty good-looking, but I donât care. Now move and let me start my work before boss comes and sends me on a leave again.â Hyerin wasnât that close to you to know about the deepest secret of your heart. No one except your one childhood bestie knew about it. And you both had sworn on your childhood rings to never divulge secrets.Â
_
To make matters worse, you played a voice note sent by Jeonghan loudly, as soon as you got out of the operation theatre. Right in the corridor.Â
In your defence, he had sent three messages just before and after that, definitely impatient that you hadnât heard his voice note, saying URGENT!, and you had fallen for the bait. Instantly playing it, without realising your volume was full, you cringed and almost threw your phone away instantly.Â
Napipopeta piripu pipiretta. Napi-
âYouâre watching Instagram reels at work?!â Somehow your supervisor had also come out into the corridor and had heard the voice note. âYou know social media is banned when youâre on duty!âÂ
âSir, I was just listening-âÂ
âNo arguments! So irresponsible. Youâll be staying back till 10 pm today, Y/N!â
_
âOkay Nurse L/N. Enough of the silent treatment. Iâm sorry. I wasnât trying to be something Iâm not⌠I just didnât think of the consequences as much. Sorry, please?â He gave you the softest puppy eyes ever given by humankind, as you ate the ramen you had made for dinner.
You hadnât uttered a single word since returning, just too upset and tired. But now you had to say it. âWas that voice note a joke?â
His eyes widened, âI- I just sent it⌠thinking your mood would become better hearing it⌠my fans really like that songâŚâ
You bite your lower lip.
âMy boss heard me playing it. Thatâs why I came home late.â
He stays silent for a minute. âIâm sorry if it got you into trouble. I just thoughtâŚâ
And out of spite, just out of spite, and pent-up emotions spilling over, you say the worst thing ever.Â
âYour voice can never make my mood better, Jeonghan-ssi.â
_
Something had snapped between the two of you since that day.Â
You had tried to build up a wall between you two, trying to keep distance that you felt was necessary to get your heart used to what was just coming within two weeks. He tried to break that wall, going out of the way to be with you, even helping you study for an exam coming up. He was needing lesser and lesser care by the day, as he regained strength in his legs, and was quite determined to live by his old habits. He would leave the house without waiting for your support, he would cook sometimes, he would also do the laundry.Â
He did everything to make you feel lesser and lesser wanted in the house.
And you really took the cue. You started minimising your interactions. Even sleeping in the same room became too difficult for you, and you spent many hours on the couch before going to your bed, waiting for him to fall asleep. You would limit conversation to the necessities, taking all possible steps to reduce his dependency on you.Â
âWhy are you doing this?â He asks you, one night, after you both had lied down in your beds but it was obvious that sleep eluded you.Â
âWhat?â You whisper back, hesitant. âThis. Becoming far away from me.â
There are massive pauses between your replies, and you can hear him holding in his breath through the entire pause.
âYou anyway donât need me much. Itâs only best if I move away from you.â
âPhysically perhaps- but I thought we could beâŚâ
âHmm?â
âFriends. Are we not friends?â
Friends. You had stopped wanting to be friends for a very long time now.
âItâs not possible. You and I belong to different worlds, as cliche as it sounds. We canât be friends.â
âWhy not?â
âHave you seen how your fans have taken to stalking me on my social media? Iâve had to delete my accounts everywhere. If they find out who I am, theyâre not just going to kill me, but the contract and all the payment I got from this job will be forfeited.â
âKill you? Isnât that too extreme?â You can hear him shuffle closer to your end in his bed, his voice closer to you now.Â
âTheyâre going to brand me as a golddigger. And even if they donât kill me, Iâll definitely kill myself then.âÂ
âThere, again you and your pride.â
âYouâre laughing at my self-respect?â
âNo, I respect it. Not many can be so stoic.â
âGoodnight, Yoon Jeonghan.â
âNurse L/N.â
You donât want to reply. You pretend youâre asleep.
âY/N-aah.â
You know heâs heard the change in your breath and he continues. âThere are really just six days left?â
âWe can reduce it if you like.â
âCan you not be so snappy? Itâs really not funny anymore.â He sounds agitated, his voice on the verge of breaking.Â
âAre you really saying this to me? Why do I have the responsibility to make it seem funny? You have a problem with me having real emotions too?â
âI never said I have a problem with anything. But this attitude of yours is, frankly, uncalled for, in my opinion. Or youâre not telling me something I should know. And this is bothering me.â
Another pause before you reply.Â
âIâm going to leave in six days, Yoon Jeonghan. You better stop being bothered by me.â
_
You donât know whatâs come over you. Suddenly you canât breathe in the house anymore. You donât even want to call it home these days.Â
Ever since that conversation, Jeonghan had stopped putting in as much effort. You had far overstayed your welcome, and he really needed you to be gone now. Maybe get a girlfriend to visit him. Mustâve been sad without sex for three months for him. Your heart ached every morning when you saw him as soon as your eyes fluttered open- an angelic face, his mouth slightly parted open as he slept in his dream world. You wanted to kiss him (honestly every minute nowadays you did, even if you burnt yourself up, that desire did not disappear.)
It was a crush, you convinced yourself. Finals were coming up, youâd get busy, youâd forget about him. Easy peasy. And yet, you couldnât bring yourself to delete the little gallery of pictures you had formed in your phone- including photos he had sent you, photos of him that you had taken, and the three photos of you two together.
The first had been clicked on the night when he had let go of his wheelchair and first taken up the crutch. Many of his bandmates were there, and they had all cheered loudly. Because you had been standing right next to him, holding his arm to stabilise him, Wonwoo had clicked a photo of you too right at the moment when he was looking into your eyes with the joy of letting go of the wheelchair, and you were looking right back at him. It was a coincidental photo, and a photo meant to be only of Jeonghan, but you kept smiling when you looked at it. It almost gave the illusion that it was ⌠for lack of better words, a photograph of affection.Â
The second was a selca. Correction, it was Jeonghanâs selca, which he had clicked without you even knowing, so you were obliviously watching the drama on the television, eating ice cream. He had even posted it on Weverse, blurring you out obviously. But his fans had caught the second hand in the photograph, zoomed into it, and somehow figured out it was a female hand, and then conducted several polls amongst themselves whether it was his girlfriend, his sister, his mother, his friend or his nurse (how would they ever know though?). The results of the poll had been varied, and some had even claimed: guys we donât know if the nurse and the girlfriend are different people hehehe you know what i mean!! Ugh, these conspiracy theories.Â
The third one had been the most recent one. You were on a video call with your childhood friend, and he had just entered the room without knocking. He had said hi to your friend, who had smirked and giggled and tried to make suggestive comments until you winked at her to shut the fuck up. Finally he had left after asking you some really redundant questions, making you wonder why he had even entered your room. Your best friend had taken a screenshot of the two of you talking, and she had practically squealed over call god, heâs so handsome!!!! And heâs so in love with you!!! Did you see how he was doting on your face with every word you uttered?! AWWWW! Y/N, Iâd say wife him up immediately!
You had laughed then, and you laughed at it now. Every time you scrolled through this secret gallery, you had nothing but a fond smile tugging at your lips, no matter how distant you wanted to make yourself from the man, who had slowly, but surely, taken up all of your heart, and was showing absolutely no intention to leave.Â
_
You packed your bags and stood in front of the door, waiting for Jeonghan to bring whatever he was looking for in his bedroom. He had vehemently protested against you helping him, and as a result, a search that couldâve been completed in seconds, was now taking minutes.Â
Eventually, he appeared. He had a bag for you in his outstretched hand, and you silently took it from him. Peeping in, you saw everything was wrapped with paper. âWhatâs this for?â âThank you, Nurse L/N for taking care of me.â He smiled, continuing, âI donât know why youâre angry at me. But Iâm sorry if Iâve hurt you in any way. Please accept my gift.â Your heart was melting with each step he took towards you, eventually so close that you could see your reflection in his eyes. It was too close for you to breathe, but you realised you wanted to get used to this proximity.
âThank you, then. Jeonghan-ssi, youâve been an excellent employer these past three months. Thank you for taking good care for me, as wellâ and you lightly bow.Â
âHow do I see you again?â Youâre stunned. Why does he want to see you? âDo I have to break my leg again?â his whispers grow ragged.
You try to crack a joke, âOr you could break an arm,â but he doesnât smile. He seems impatient for an actual answer. âOr you could call me. We can hang out once every couple of months, if youâre free. Or you could just⌠you know, call and talk.â
He wants to say something, but your phone begins to ring. Your best friend must have arrived downstairs to give you a ride to her house. You had decided to stay with her for the remainder of the university term.
âGoodbye, Yoon Jeonghan-ssi.â
âGoodbye, Y/N. Iâll miss having you around.âÂ
You donât believe him. You think heâs just being nice. But oh, somewhere deep down, you hope itâll be true. You smile at him, tight-lipped, but genuine. He doesnât smile back.
And just like that, youâre gone.Â
_
The next month, you donât hear from him at all. Your internship has also ended, and youâve started studying hard, applying to various specialisation courses, and basically trying to forget him. It works, frankly, because with your closest friend around, you have your mind on other things. Such as her extremely toxic situationship, which she doesnât even realise is harming her, but you keep warning her to step off. Such as her mother baking cookies for you as winter sets in. Such as visiting your own motherâs grave once every week, to give her flowers, a new ritual youâve set up.Â
Itâs on one of these bus rides to the park which has her grave that you cross the hospital where you had your internship. And you spot, your eyes instantly going wide, a certain familiar someone standing at the bus stop right outside the hospital.
Youâd have recognised him from miles away. Even if itâs really late in the evening, the twilight setting in, you can recognise him.Â
You want to look away and continue the ride to the original destination. You want to ignore him. You want to push away the thought of him waiting (for who?) in front of the hospital where you worked at while staying with him.
But you canât. You immediately step out of the bus, paying your fare, and walk up a little bit to reach the spot heâs standing. Heâs looking the other way so he doesnât really notice when you come and stand behind him. Until you cough a bit.
And youâve never seen Yoon Jeonghan smile this brightly before. Never. Not while you were in his house, not even in the videos of him that miraculously come up on your Youtube algorithm now.Â
âWhat are you doing here?â you donât know why, but your voice cannot go beyond a whisper. In the empty streets after dark, he can hear you clearly though.
âYou came.â he whispers back.
âYou were waiting for me?â
âWho else would I wait for in front of the hospital you worked at?â
âI donât work there anymore. My internship is over.â
âSo I heard. But I had no idea where you live now, and apparently itâs not safe to go to your university if I have to keep you a secret.â
âBut waiting in front of a hospital in the dark is safe?â
âItâs a hospital. No one is looking at me here. Iâm not the important person here, for anyone.â
You canât help but say, âYou are, for me.â
_
The stars are out, the cars are flashing by, and youâre walking alongside Yoon Jeonghan on a silent road. Sometimes your arms brush, sometimes he smiles too much for your heart to take, sometimes you look at him for so long that he breaks eye contact. For once in your life, you donât want to overthink this. Even if tomorrow you wake up and realise this was a dream, you want to live the best dream of your life till the end.Â
âHey,â he whispers when you zone out. Youâre standing under a streetlamp now, the smell of flowers from the trees around you filling the air. Youâre 100 metres away from a tteokbokki stall, and you want to ask him if he wants to eat some, but he holds your hand at that moment.Â
âY/N.â
âNo more Nurse L/N?â
âYouâve stopped being Nurse L/N for me for a long time now.â
Your heart stops. He grazes his thumb over your pulse point. You think youâll combust.
âYour palm is sweaty, Y/N. Are you nervous?â
How can you not be when heâs right there, in front of you, so close⌠but still so far? You donât know how you landed up like this, after an entire month of avoidance, but knowing that he came every evening to look for you in front of your hospital, waiting till the shift was scheduled to get over, has melted your heart beyond control.Â
âYouâve cut your hair again.â You finally say.
âIs it looking nice?â
âHmm⌠makes you look sharper.â
âHuh?â His eyes are becoming wide now.
You take your other hand out of your pocket and touch his hair with a featherlike touch. âBut itâs still so pretty. You wonât cut me, will you?â
He smiles, and leans in, and you can sense him breathing you in. You must be smelling like sweat and grime by now but he doesnât seem to care. Eventually he places his chin on your head and time has stopped. You canât help but snuggle into the warm cavity of his body, gently placing yourself against his strong chest, as you can feel now. And somehow, his hands leave yours, and wrap themselves around your back.Â
Itâs a hug.
And then itâs a kiss on your forehead. A kiss on your scalp. And a kiss in your hair. And you snuggle deeper and deeper into him.Â
He pats your hair gently, and you mumble into his chest. âWhat took you so long, Hannie? Why didnât you come to me sooner?â itâs half feverish you know, you donât even expect him to reply. And yet he does.Â
âOh, but Y/N-ah, Iâve been coming to you forever, why did you keep pushing me away, baby?â And you spread your hands around him too, pulling him deeper, until youâre both too squished, and have to move apart for air.Â
But only a little bit, just enough so that you can see his face, and he holds your face in his big palms.Â
âY/N-ah. Do you want to come home with me? I want to watch a new episode of the k-drama with you. Iâve really fallen behind it without having you to watch with.â
You smile, his eyes glitter up with the reflection.
âOf course. But only if you promise to hug me more.â
âNo. No more hugs. Can I kiss you?â
You suck in a deep breath, lips parting already, at the wonderful tingle going through your body. You could cry right now, with the time he takes to move in and place his lips on yours gently.Â
And you do cry. One stray tear escapes your closed eyes, and he kisses that away too.
âHannieâŚâ
âIâm yours, Y/N-ah. If youâll have me, forever yours.â
âOf course Iâll have you.â
âSorry if I kept you waiting for long.â
âItâs okay. Youâre worth the wait, anyway.â You smile as you press a kiss on his nose, his little button nose youâve always found cute. You stand up on your toes and kiss his eyes and his eyebrows and his forehead, but then he stops you. âBaby, letâs go home and then you can kiss me?â
How can you ever say no to Yoon Jeonghan? How could he even think that youâd say no?
âOf course, Hannie. I love you.â
âAnd I love you, baby.â Another kiss on your lips, and you know youâve seen heaven. Because if Yoon Jeonghan isnât the equivalent of heaven, you donât want to know what is.
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