#i was pre-period and filled with rage

[javierpena-inatacvest]

Sail Away

Summary: Another nightmare leaves Javi wide awake, forced to wrestle with the consequences of his past as he looks towards his future

Pairing: Husband!Javier Peña x Wife!reader (no use of y/n)

Word Count: 2.6K

Warnings: Heavyyyyy on the angst, PTSD, references to violence/death (from Narcos), panic attack and descriptions of past panic attacks, insomnia, feelings of guilt/shame, mentions of pregnancy/parenthood, comfort, still a happy (enough) ending, post DEA Javi, poor Javi just really needs a hug :(

A/N: We're tryin new things here people!! Fair warning- I feel like this is DRASTICALLY different from the way I normally write (content and style wise) but big sad time, pre-period hormones said it's time to cry 🤷🏼‍♀️ I think a lot about how post-DEA Javi handles thinking about his time in Colombia, and how hard it is for him to talk about, even with the people he knows care about him the most ☹️ I hope this doesn't beat you to death with metaphors, imagery and lack of beta'ing (I can still hear my AP lit teacher screaming SYMBOLISM into the abyss) Trying to emulate a lil @jolapeno on this one (ily my descriptive queen 👑)

It happened again. 

You instantly knew from the stark cold of his side of the bed, the empty void where his broad frame should be, his sheets twisted and tangled from where he had fought another round with sleep and lost. 

3rd night in a row, the 5th time this week. At this point, it was hard not to keep track. 

The cyclical pattern of restless nights, haunted by ghosts of his past that taunted and teased him, cruelly lurking the back of his mind, no matter how hard he begged or pleaded for them to disappear. 

Forcing himself to wrestle with his demons in the darkness couldn’t help but feel like insult to injury- the harsh blacks and blues that flooded the sky, drowning out the last glimmer of sunlight as it dipped below the horizon, perfectly mirroring the way his mind so devilishly seemed to paint his thoughts in shades of ebony and cerulean with erratic, angry brushstrokes over the warm yellows and oranges of his new life he had finally learned to embrace. 

It only seemed fair that he went to battle with the darkest musings of his mind under the night sky that so cruelly reflected his mood. 

You weren’t surprised the first time you found him hunched on the back steps of your porch, head buried in his hands, fingers twitching for a cigarette- the vice he’d sworn to give up after his final return home, a vow that moments like these had made him distinctly regret. You always wondered how despite the stark silence that surrounded him as he stared off into the dark abyss, you could still hear his thoughts screaming at you- crying out for attention, acknowledgement, anything to get someone else to understand what he was hiding inside of his mind that he was too scared to say out loud. 

His midnight disappearances came in waves, fading and reappearing like an unpredictable ocean tide that left you wondering when the cool and salty water would crash around your ankles next as you stood at the edge of the shore. 

For a while, the seas had been calm, Javi’s body nestled next to yours, his warmth comforting and covering you along with the messy piles of blankets and bedsheets that filled your mattress, the nights being nothing more than drifting to sleep in each other’s arms, haunted dreams harbored at bay. 

For the last 5 nights, the tides had shifted. A storm was raging. 

The first few nights you let him go- you’d watched him weather this kind of storm before, always insisting it was a journey he was supposed to go on alone, the type of trip you need to make without risking hurting the innocent passengers that were supposed to ride with you. 

But as the days came and went, golden rays of vibrant sun shifting to dark and lonely blackness, it felt like you were leaving him out in the abyss without even so much as a life vest, praying for a return you knew would never come unless someone weathered the storm to save him. 

“You’re up again.” 

It’s a neutral statement, enough to disarm him from the implications you’ve sent yourself on a rescue mission to find him while you settle next to his stoic frame sinking into the porch step. 

“And you shouldn’t be.” 

Not quite resistance, but certainly not acceptance to you let you come aboard with him. Not yet. 

“I was already up anyway. Someone has been a big fan of punching me in my gut at 2 A.M. Hard not to notice when I wake up and your side of the bed is empty for the 5th time this week.” 

Both your eyes shift down to the subtle swell of your stomach, barley poking out from under the worn t-shirt you’d stolen from his dresser drawer. You’d never really had a knack for thievery until the past few weeks, claiming that everything was too tight for your growing belly. Despite all his years intertwined with the law, Javi had never had a problem with pardoning you for your violation, happy to let you, his household thief, and your new partner in crime indulge in the habit if it brought you any sort of comfort in your constant uncomfortability of growing a new life inside you. 

“Already picking up on her dad’s shit sleeping habit.” He scoffs under his breath, a bitterness in his tone that he thinks he’s somehow managing to inflict years worth of poor choices on his future child, still months away from even making her arrival into the world. 

It hurts, watching the pain well in his eyes as he stares off at the stars, glistening in the distance like some sort of unreachable sanctuary, the savior of a temporary distraction. Right now, you wish he’d look at you the same way, but he knows you won’t let him wallow in the all consuming waves of his own self pity like the stars will. 

A silent journey to outer space is the easy way out. You aren’t. 

“Do you wanna talk about it?” You ask it like it’s a question, like he has a choice in the matter. He knows that you’ll be gentle with him- you have been since the moment you met him- but Christ, he also knows you’re nothing, if not persistent, too. 

He sighs, accepting his defeat as his gaze drops from the sky down to the ground, cautiously allowing you to climb aboard with him. 

It’s like trying to approach a wounded wild animal- move too fast and you’ll scare him away, leaving him to writhe in even more pain as he tries to flee from you. Move too slow and you leave him to bleed out, alone and afraid. 

“I’m fine.” It’s almost humorous how blatant of a lie it is, immediately putting himself on the defensive, like he has any ground to stand on with his claim. 

You say nothing, your silence enough to intrigue him as his eyes finally meet yours, the look on his face revealing the truth his words wouldn’t. You try your best to remain neutral, but Javi knows the sadness slowly slipping through your expression, the one you’re trying your best to hide because you’re not the one that’s hurting. Yet, there’s something about seeing you hurt because of him that’s enough to chip away at the wall he’s put up between you two, finally allowing you a crack just wide enough to let you see through to the other side. 

“I- I keep having the same dream. Every night, it’s the same.” He says “dream” like he’s letting himself drift off to sleep to all the pleasantries the world has to offer him, waking up to his midnight thoughts refreshed and renewed. Because his dreams aren’t just dreams, his dreams are the most terrifying nightmares the majority people wouldn’t even be capable of imagining, a violent parade of the worst memories his brain can muster.  

“What dream?” You ask, as carefully and cautiously as the way you shift yourself closer to him. 

“I- It’s- I just- Fuck-” 

It’s then you choose to gamble, wagering that he’s let you in enough, your next move won’t startle him, inching yourself closer as your right hand begins to intertwine with his left. He’s resistant at first, but as the familiar warmth of your body grazes across his skin, he begins to let you in, allowing your fingers to gently tangle, anchoring himself in your grasp. 

“It’s okay, Javi. I’m here. You can tell me.” 

It’s then the bets become less of a reckless gamble, squeezing him just a little tighter, stroking his skin with your thumb and feeling him squeeze back, taking your hand and finally letting you start to lift him out of the eye of the storm. 

He still needs the reassurance you won’t leave, that the man his nightmares make him won’t scare you away like they have so many others. An insecurity that distresses him enough to make him ache, despite your compassion. 

You’re not gonna scare me away, Javi.

The words still ring in the back of his head when he finds himself like this, remembering the first time you found him on the living room floor of your apartment at 3 A.M., skin tacky and covered in sweat, heart beating so fast he was convinced he was dying, terrified of his mind, and even more terrified you would leave him, letting you find him exposed, like some sort of disgusting, open wound. 

He’ll never understand why you showed him so much mercy. In no lifetime will he ever be able to thank you enough that you did. 

It still doesn’t make what comes next any easier. 

“I just stood there. I just let him- I just let him do it. He was just a fucking kid.” 

You can practically hear both your hearts break over the stark silence. Javi’s, because of all the things he’s done, this is the one he’ll never forgive himself for. Yours, for the same reason. 

“Javi…” 

“I didn’t even try to stop him. He was just a kid. We just- we just fucking left him there. What kind of person does that? I- I spent so long trying to convince myself, trying to- fuck- trying to justify it was okay. That casualties happen when you’re trying to catch a fuckin’ monster. But what if- what if none of it fucking mattered because I was the one who was really the monster.” 

It was flowing out of him now, a flash flood crashing through the rest of the brick wall he had built up to defend himself. You can feel him trying to pull his hand away, trying to keep you from getting swept away in the current with him, but it only makes you double down harder. 

“You’re not a monster, Javi. What happened back then, it- it did matter. I know it hurts, but it doesn't make you a monster.” 

It’s not his admittance of guilt that breaks him- it’s your forgiveness. 

He wonders how can stand him, let alone love him. How his past hasn’t left him tainted and useless, like some sort of lame animal with a limp that can’t be cured, its only options left to die or be sent out to pasture, too weak to venture back for help. That you were the only one who wanted to help fix the parts of himself that were the most broken and mangled. That you were the only one who gave him a chance to be healed instead of leaving him for dead. 

When his eyes meet your stomach is when the guilt begins to morph into terror. Because years ago, a mother, just like you, was nestled away in the haphazard rows of colorful buildings that lined the streets of Medellín, carrying her unborn son, dreaming about the life she would plan for him. 

Javi knows that nowhere in those plans did she account for the pain and heartbreak she would suffer as some asshole DEA agent watched her son’s body become one with the earth while he took a bullet to the brain.  

How was he supposed to live with himself when he got a chance to play God- that now, after letting a life disappear, he was allowed to have a hand in creating a new one? 

You watch the gears in his brain churn, yearning for an explanation to the unexplainable puzzle he’ll never be able to solve, even though he’s convinced he can. His brain works in logic and reasoning, only making the emotional torment of his past decisions more confusing for him. The same kind of logic that you’re not sure will ever allow him to forgive himself. 

“How am I supposed to be a dad? How are you ever gonna trust me? How am I supposed to keep her safe when I’ve done so many terrible fucking things?” Tears begin to flow down his cheeks, each word more ragged and shaky than the last until he can’t fight it any more. 

It feels like the entire weight of the world collapsing into your lap as he melts into you, so heavy that there’s nothing that you can do but wrap your arms around him at let him cry and soak the battered fabric of the his stolen t-shirt draped over your top, fisting at the frayed hems. 

He can’t pretend anymore, not after he’s shown you all the cards he’s had to lay out on the table. There’s no more facade, no more attempt at a stubborn masquerade to hide his hurt. He’s finally let you climb aboard his ship and take the wheel, trusting that you’ll guide him home to shore where he belongs. 

“I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.” 

The way he repeats it, chanting it like a broken prayer, begging for your forgiveness makes you ache. You’ve forgiven him for the sins of his past long ago, yet he still feels the need to plead to you for redemption. You wish there was a way to take it from him, to let him unburden himself from the shame he’s carried for so long and carry it for him, even if just for a little while. To let him see what you see in him, to know that you love him for all of his past, and not just in spite of it. To let him know that the storm he has to weather is a storm you will never let him weather alone. But for now, three words are the best you can do. 

“I love you. I love you, Javi.” 

And you do. You mean it. With every bone in your body, with every fiber of your being, you mean it. And right now, he may not admit it, but he knows you do, too. Those three words are enough to let him see the shoreline approaching in the distance, to see the light of day beginning to peek its way through the cracks of the night sky, to carry him back home to you. 

He says it with his silence, the way his sobs start to slow, replaced with long inhales and exhales, his chest rising and falling against you. He says it with the way he holds you just a little tighter, hand splaying across the swell of your stomach, muttering a promise to himself just loud enough for you to hear. 

“I promise I’ll protect you. Both of you. If it’s the last thing I do.” 

“I know you will. I will, too. I promise.” 

The promise is the last gentle wave that pushes you back to the part of the beach where tides roll gently, forgetting the raging currents they once were in the middle of the ocean. A place where you can safely row your boat ashore without the fear of another dreadful thought creeping up on you and dragging you back out to face torment again. 

As you look out in front of you, the sky is no longer laden with heavy shades of black- a pastel sunrise is beginning to creep over the horizon, glistening like some sort of trophy for an underdog fistfight you’d managed to win, even if you’d come out the other side beaten and bruised. It was enough to nudge Javi’s head out of your lap, encouraging him to accept his prize at a game where winners came few and far between. 

Tonight, you'd never been more thankful the universe had let Javi come up a winner.

“It’s been a long time since we’ve been up early enough to watch the sunrise.” 

“Yeah. It is pretty, isn’t it? Sorry this is the reason you get to see it.” 

“As long as I get to be with you, that reason will always be good enough.”

@chaotic-iguana @rhoorl @bbiophiliaa @pertinentpostmortem @angelofsmalldeath-codeine

@pedrobaby @fatima-marisa @beboldbebravethings @poodlebae @kittenlittle24

@3sriracha @jungchloee @perennialdoll247 @prettyinpunk85 @raspberrybesitos

@partyofone3413 @harriedandharassed @pedrohoe04 @theorganasolo

@endlessthxxghts @beware-my-thorns @missladym1981 @milly-louise

@jay-zzle @the-one-with-the-grey-color @persephone-girl @bitchesuntitled

@pedropascallvr @millennial-teenybopper @vee-bees-blog

@hopplessilse @mxtokko @its-nebuleuse @mandoisapunk @msmorningstaarr

@amyispxnk @honeyedmiller @mountainsandmayhem @picketniffler @burningnerdchild

@copperhalfcent @theoraekenslover @bloodyinspirationaldemon @vee-bees-blog

@samgirl4life @pigeonmama @survivingandenduring @itsokbbygrl @javierpena-inatacvestnotifs

[mdhwrites]

How does no one talk about this? It's from a summary of the final Post Hoot and like... How is no one talking about this? Or ever talked about this?

They had no OUTLINES. BY THE END OF S2A, THEY HAD NO OUTLINES! Like not even a "This is the general idea of what S2B will look like." Sure, that still needs to be filled in but they literally confessed to writing Yesterday's Lie, to getting that episode done, with literally NO PLANS on how to follow it up. You know, despite leaving it on a fucking cliffhanger.

How does anyone still think you can defend the show with the shortening when Dana herself admitted you can't. We didn't miss out on anything after all because there was no grand plan to miss out on. It was just all vapor. All half baked ideas.

And I really want to emphasize that she's stating that this was the case WHILE THE HALF SEASON WAS FINISHED. She had NO ONE working on the next half pre-emptively? No plans whatsoever for where it was going to go? Yesterday's Lie ends on a giant cliffhanger that demands to be answered and changes the very perception we have of the main character... And you're telling me you had no clear plans for what you were going to do about that?

The shortening is not an excuse. Period. Dana admitted herself, even if she didn't mean it that way. And for a show that constantly kicks payoffs down the line like TOH did, like stuff with the palisman or Willow and Amity's friendship, that makes this all the more inexcusable.

TOH could have only ever survived for so long like this. The shortening didn't hurt the show. It's simply why it has a better legacy than it would have if it had wasted more of our time.

======+++++======

I could do an entire blog on how much this picture explains so much about some of the truly bizarre elements of S2B. Also yes, I do hate that she goes on to say in this same post-Hoot that she had plans for X elements or the like because you JUST admitted you didn't. They may have been things you wanted to do but you literally can't say they would have happened. Not when you didn't even have an OUTLINE.

Part of my rage about this btw is that I have spent so much of this past week proving why issues run deep with the show and that the shortening didn't matter while meanwhile they just straight up ADMITTED it didn't.

I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead. If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

A Twitter you can follow too

And a Kofi if you like what I do and want to help out with the fact that disability doesn’t pay much.

[droughtofapathy]

"Welcome to the Theatre": Diary of a Broadway Baby

Ragtime

November 6, 2024 | NYCC | Gala Presentation | Evening | Musical | Concert | 3H

On May 22nd, I made the executive decision to see Ragtime the night after Election Day. In the ensuing five-plus months, a lot happened. And it was still the right decision. We don't see sweeping scores like this anymore. To be in the theatre on that night was a healing experience for an audience still bleeding from open wounds. Four mid-show standing ovations, rapturous applause, audible weeping and laughter alike. It is difficult to measure up to the gold standard original cast, but nearly all those involved in this timely production rose to the occasion. The talent from the whole ensemble is glorious. Joshua Henry is undeniably the bedrock of this entire production with his breathtaking baritone. To say he blows the roof off the theatre every night is the understatement of the century. Was there ever a more timely moment for "Make Them Hear You" than right now?

Shaina Taub as Emma Goldman, Ben Levi Ross as Younger Brother, and especially Brandon Uranowitz as Tateh breathed a whole new life into their roles, seeming to channel all the rage and frustration into wonderously moving performances. Caissie Levy is a lovely Mother. Ultimately, she just doesn't imbue Mother with Marin's unmatched talent. But I doubt anyone ever will. I've heard many people sing "Back to Before," and truly no one could hold a candle to Marin. Lynn Ahrens herself says no one will ever do it better. Caissie's rendition was nice. But not strong. But ultimately, the weakest link in the cast is Nichelle Lewis as Sarah. This role was recast twice in pre-production due to multiple scheduling conflicts, and rehearsal periods are so short anyway that it isn't necessarily all her fault. But she's a newcomer and noticeably lacks the experience and control needed for such a powerful role. Her notes are strained and she has a distinctly unpolished contemporary slide to her voice that doesn't mix well with Joshua Henry's more historically appropriate tone. And this seems to be the general consensus. I wish her well, but should there be a transfer, she would need significantly more vocal training.

City Center's productions are never particularly robust in their staging. This was one of the most barebones sets I've seen in a long while with just a few rolling metal staircases and archways to set the scene. While I think the score is strong enough to stand on its own without all the accoutrements, the show can only be strengthened by a more fleshed out set. But that being said, it was still an impactful production. A shining example of how minimalist set design can be done properly and not just be a gimmick. The sound mixing was surprisingly excellent. Last year's gala presentation of Pal Joey has abysmal design, but they pulled it together this year and let both the score fill the entire theatre and the vocals shine bright and clear. Impressive choreography, a few uneven costume decisions (someone please get Joshua Henry a properly-fitted suit...), and a beautifully responsive crowd made the night cathartic rather than painful.

Verdict: You Can Pry This Show Out of My Cold Dead Hands

A Note on Ratings

[diamond-daisies-in-the-wind]

Postpartum Sucks

Postpartum actually sucks. 

Not to sound cliche, but NO ONE talks about postpartum and even those who do, don’t elaborate on the horror movie it actually is. Set aside the hair loss, the raging hormones and the obscene changes to your body, nothing compares to the mental strain that postpartum has on a new mom. Think of a blender filled with rusty nails and oranges and trying to make something useful with that; that’s what postpartum is. 

The Physical Changes No One Warns You About

The physical aspects of postpartum like hair loss, body changes, and hormonal shifts are glossed over and it seems like every influencer has just the right tips and tricks to get you to “bounce back” to your pre-pregnancy body but the only thing that’s “bouncing” is the loose skin that dangles over my c-section scar. I was relatively healthy, and I wouldn’t label myself as “skinny queen”, but I was happy with what I looked like, and I didn’t care much about others opinions. However, pregnancy destroyed my entire stomach area with purple and pink tiger stripes that run across my entire abdomen. I used to confidently stand in front of my husband in my birthday suit but lately, I feel the strong desire to wear an actual suit to hide what I think are my imperfections. I personally didn’t experience much hair loss, however my body changed so drastically. My hips are wider now than they were before which makes finding clothes impossible. I’m stuck with buying clothes that are two or three sizes too large just so I can accommodate my raging curves. I have been able to find two pairs of jeans that fit nicely, and I treat them as if they are religious artifacts meant to be worshiped. I refuse to buy any more jeans for myself because the task of having to go to a store, look for jeans that I think fit, and then try them on just to be disappointed over and over again is disheartening and I refuse. There once was a youtuber who lived her best life in leggings and refused to wear jeans at all costs; I will do the same. I don’t want to care about how my body looks to others and the thing I struggle with the most is associating the person I see in the mirror to the person I see in myself. Right now, they are two different people judging each other without actually getting to know each other. How do I restore these relationships between my sense of self? I haven’t the answer to that question but one day I think I’ll be able to look back and wonder why I cared so much... 

Leaning On My Supports 

Postpartum is a heavy task that every woman must face and not having a good support system can really be the downfall to success. Now, I can’t speak for everyone because there are some things that I didn’t experience that most do. I have a really good support system on both sides of the family. My mother, though she can be abrupt at times, is always willing to help, even if it’s just sitting with my son. My father helped and still helps on occasion with little financial struggles. My husband and I knew there would be added expenses to having a baby and we were confident that this burden would be easy to take hold of, but we weren't expecting my sudden job change. There was a short period where my husband and I couldn’t afford groceries or bills and my father chipped in. He sent us money just in case and gave us that financial support that most people don’t receive. Moreover, my mother and father-in-law are the kindest people to ever exist and though they could not easily be at my house without a long drive, they helped by buying us diapers, formula, and different necessities so that my husband and I didn’t have to worry, further loosening that financial burden. I know that not everyone has these supports in place, and I am and will always be eternally grateful for their support. This isn’t a moment where I am gloating about the things that I have but appreciative that I do have these supports that can lift some burden off me and my husband’s shoulders. 

The Mental Toll 

With my family’s support, it allowed me to take a deeper dive into my mental health, however, in my exploration of who I am, I ended up getting stuck. Even now, I feel the sticky slime at the bottom of my shoes, reminding me that negativity is always there. The mental aspect of postpartum really took a toll on my sense of self. I’ve always struggled with my anxieties but over the years, I was able to manage well with breathing exercises, mediation, and support from my husband. However, all of that had to be thrown out the window. I can no longer just breathe it out when I’m feeling overwhelmed; I'd go blue. There is no time for meditation, any of my free time is spent taking care of the baby or doing chores around the house. My husband is also trying to stay afloat with the added responsibility of taking care of another human while still managing his online classes and going to work. There were countless nights where I felt stuck and all I could do was disassociate myself from reality. 

One night in particular really stuck with me the most because I was enshrouded in a wet black veil of depression that I couldn’t take off. My son was particularly needy that night and wouldn’t sleep unless he was being held by me. My husband was asleep bedside me and I was growing increasingly angry at the sight of his peace. I decided to abscond from our room and sit on the rocking chair in my son’s nursery. There I sat, rocking back and forth, thinking of all the decisions I made in my life that led me to that moment. Thinking about how nothing I did was good enough for the high expectations I had set for myself. All I could do was rock back and forth, shushing my baby, lulling him to sleep, watching his precious eyelids fall into serenity as fear filled my body with no outlet of release to not wake him. 

I rocked back and forth, trapped in a state that was both soothing but suffocating, each movement a pendulum swing between numbness and despair. Time felt elastic, as if the night would stretch on forever. With every rock back and forth, my mind retreated to its inner most depths where only darkness resided. The house was deathly quiet, the soft pulse of air from the fan humming. I could feel the electrical vibrations through my skin as I stared at the shadowed walls encasing me in a prison of solitude and sadness. His peace was more important and all I could do was sit in the depths of my brain, reliving moments in my life that I wish I could change. Fixated on everything I should have done or said to those around me. The choices I made, the things that I could never change. Was this where I truly was meant to be? A heavy blackness hung over me, pressing down like a thick fog, unyielding. The hands of darkness caressing my neck and back, putting strain on my already overstimulated body. Every dark thought, a weight that pulled me deeper, making it hard to break. There was no escaping the cacophony of worries; am i a good mother? Am i a good wife? Am i a good daughter? Am i a good sister? Am I good enough? 

The rocking chair became my prison, the cushions of the chair were meant to provide comfort and warmth, but in that moment, I felt a heaviness inside me that was crushing my soul. While my son rested in absolute peace, my mind was a whirlwind of chaos, storming through my being with self-doubt, anxiety, and fatigue. Eventually, my son’s steady breaths lulled me out of my despair, the rising sun illuminating the ominous shadows. With every step that dawn took, it brought me back to my reality, though I continued to rock back and forth, holding the little I had of myself, I knew that I had to rise soon and face a new day. I knew that I had to subdue these oiled thoughts and cast them aside because I had to be there. I could not allow myself to flail in a pit of nothingness because there were those who relied on me. As the birds quietly chirped and the morning dew sat on the lawn, I clawed myself a window, just big enough to allow some light into my darkened world. I’m still there sometimes, rocking back and forth but instead of holding my sleeping baby, I’m holding onto the person I used to be, trying to figure out how to be that person again while also moving on to the new phase in my life. I have carved away most of the darkness that took over, but it’s still there. In every step I take forward, I can still feel the oil beneath my feet, reminding me that at any moment I can easily slip right back. 

Losing Myself and Finding HER Again 

No one talks about that... the fact that when you become a mother, you lose a part of yourself that you loved. You become a caretaker, preventing fires and putting band aids on things that require stitches. Pushing all those negative thoughts and emotions into a trunk and throwing them in the ocean, hoping that you never see them again. But it’s there... it lurks in the back of your head, and you have to figure out how to just be. 

It’s been a few months since that eventful night, and I’ve had time to reflect on where I was to who I am now. I can’t confidently say that I have escaped that dark nursery, rocking back and forth, but I am able to escape more easily now. Returning to work has helped distract me from those anxieties but I still haven’t found my identity. Going back to work allows me to be who I was before, which makes me feel guilty because there’s a subtle pleasure in not having to put all my attention into taking care of my son. I love my son, and I strongly believe that my purpose is to be his mother, but the small doses of freedom keep me alive. 

To the Mothers Who Feel Alone

I want this to be an insight for those mothers who struggled or are struggling; subdued to the strong emotions and trying to forget and move on to something that is totally different than what was known before. I want this to be a trek into the unknown that we take on together and hopefully, this could alleviate some stress in at least one person, knowing that they aren’t alone. Motherhood itself is a task that cannot be taken on by anyone. I will admit that most of the beginning of motherhood is checking off boxes on your to-do list and maintaining that structure like taking your child to doctor's appointments, making sure they had enough food for the day, giving them baths, and maintaining a livable environment. It’s the emotional aspect of it that tears you down. Yes, you can feel accomplished by doing the easy things, but regaining who you were is a tough road that every mother goes through. I’m not just a mother... I’m a person with hobbies and interests and desires. I don’t feel that I have completed my transformation, life doesn’t allow anyone to really meet their peak but there has to be some peace along the way. Balancing how to be a mom, a teacher, a wife, and an individual is how I’m going to find my own peace and give myself the opportunity to say goodbye to the “she” who used to be mine. 

[vintageaustin]

Masterlist

Last Updated: 04.20.2023

Welcome to my main masterlist! It is about time I finally got this up and running... and not broken

Under the cut you will find the links to everything I posted along with prewarning's to the fics themselves. Please pay attention to these warnings as the things I write are not for everyone!

A couple of things to note, descriptions are short little summaries. They may not be the best explained, but I promise the fic themselves are much better then such.

Along with that, keep an eye out for the emojis below for some pre-warnings.

🖤 Dark Themes 🤍 Smut

Elvis Presley

Baby Fever

► You and Elvis have been married for about three years now, and he thinks it's time for a baby

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4

Jessie's Girl

► You are Elvis' best friend's girlfriend, but little did you know Elvis is head over heels for you.

Part 1, Part 2 🤍

Pretty When You Cry

► Reader finds out that Elvis has to leave for Germany

Fucked My Way Up to The Top 🤍

► Sugar daddy Elvis being jealous after seeing the waiter flirt with the reader at the restaurant

Summer of '55

► The reader goes with Elvis and some friends down to the sunflower fields. Your best friend ends up asking what he's like in bed and Elvis overhears how in love the reader is with Elvis.

Art Deco 🤍

► Reader and Elvis meet at Club Handy after being apart for a short period of time. The both of you knew that you're bad for one another, but can't leave each other alone.

It's Supposed to be Fun Turning 21

► Based off the Presley home video's on Priscilla's 21st birthday. Instead of Priscilla it is the reader.

Fuck it I Love You

► Sugar daddy Elvis starting a relationship between 34-year-old Elvis and 19-year-old reader, who is the Colonel's step daughter... it starts off pretty innocent but soon turns into a lot more.

Part 1, Part 2

Honey, I Belong With You

► Drugged up Elvis begging you to stay by his side forever. You make a promise that you might not be able to keep.

Take Me to Church

► The church and the royal family isn't always the best mix, but when it comes to the newfound king and the presists daughter... they mix perfectly.

Baby Blues

► Reader finds out that Elvis is cheating, and she finds herself with filled with rage.

Until I Found Her

► Formally known as Tredici // cowriter: @asshlyyyy

► You’ve heard of Romeo and Juliet right? Well, imagine that… but remove the violence and death. You’re the rich girl who would never be seen with someone who was poor. Well… that’s what you image was. You didn’t care about the money. Because once you found Elvis… Everything changed.

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

Sebastian Kydd

Cruel Summer 🤍

► The reader and Sebastian have been friends since forever... well that is until that one collage part...

Austin Butler

Are you Lonesome Tonight......?

► It is 2020 and the Covid pandemic just got worse than it already was... Seeing you are in lockdown and living with your boyfriend who was working on the new Elvis movie and your college being on lock down as well, it could get quite lonesome.

Lotta True Crime

► Serial Killer Austin kidnaps reader who has a podcast about true crime with her friends. She saw something she shouldn't have, and the rest is history.

Part 1 🖤, Part 2 🖤, Part 3 🖤🤍, Part 4 🖤

Say Yes to Heaven, Say Yes to Me

► It is the 1950s, and Austin is on his way to get married to the love of his life.

I've Got My Eye on You

► The reader is getting hated on and becomes depressed... down in the dumps... and even suicidal. Austin helps the reader through this hard time.

Put Me In a Movie

► Both the reader and Austin have an unhealthy obsession with each other and decide to finally make something of it.

[bpdarlingx]

For one week of each month I feel particularly and viscerally empty, filled only by an unspeakable rage at the world & myself.

I haemorrhage all the happiness and energy I once had and become shackled to my bed, prisoner to a body and brain desperate to relinquish itself from the living realm.

There is no future, only the present, where I’m tortured by the past with the omnipotent knowledge it will repeat and repeat and repeat; no matter my pleas, my humiliating clawing to some semblance of hope.

I beg to be released and free, to be alive, human. I don’t recognise what once was my face full of promise. I lift my hands but how can I tell them these limbs aren’t real, and if they are, they’re not mine? Unbearable, intolerable, guilt ridden suffering…

Then I get my period & realise it truly wasn’t that deep.

Pre-menstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) is a parasite, I can’t go on the pill, all other forms of birth control have had serious side effects for me like blood clots & all the supplements and mindfulness in the world isn’t helping :(

There is so little research done on PMDD as it’s a female/ AFAB medical problem and therefore, is brushed aside as no more than a ‘bad period’.

Of all my mental ailments PMDD has been the most treatment resistant and I’m starting to lose hope. will I have to pull myself back from the brink of self deletion every month for the rest of my life? I’m only 22 and already so tired, in my bones.

[fishyyyyy99]

So, I'm not sure how this works. But I was wondering if someone could give me constructive feedback on something I wrote (please be kind, though). I want to turn something I wrote into a short story, but it's not exactly in story format right now. And the parts feel disconnected. Here it is:

I can hear the creaking of the old wooden chair, before I see her. My maternal grandmother. My Ammamma. She is wearing a really pretty saree. I can hear the laughter all around us. Wait, is that a birthday cake? And then it hits me - it's her pre-death party. She wanted a celebration of her life before her impending death. I'm not ready for this though. I'm NOT. I'm REALLY NOT. I wake up, sweating.

A bird chirps. My Ammamma says it is calling out just to me. That is what she says every morning. The bird is supposedly my personal alarm clock.

My mother tells me I never stopping calling out for my Ammamma as we left for England.

Another dream. No, another nightmare. My grandmother wants me dead. She tried to kill me. There was never any love.

I wake up at home. Comfort. My maternal grandparents' place. My Ammamma offers to make me apple milkshake because I am refusing to eat as protest against my body for inflicting periods on me. Periods are an annoying waste of time. So I'm going to fight back against nature by taking back my time from another natural process - eating.

My grandfather tells me of how my Ammamma fought hard to learn how to drive a car - something that women of her generation were discouraged from doing. My Ammamma and I watch Tamil soaps together, and she tells me how she relates to a particular female protagonist - a homemaker who is taken for granted by her patriarchal husband.

My grandmother spoils me. People say she's the reason I don't know how to be an adult. To be honest, I don't see any difference between how much she spoils me, and how much she spoils my grandfather. My grandmother also has a tough time letting go of my mother. She needs to make sure my mother is taking perfect care of herself. But sometimes, you have to let your children mess up. You have to give up control. I don't want children. My grandmother disapproves. But I think they're too much responsibility, and I'm too lazy to put in the effort. Look at how much I depend on my mother and grandmother even now.

I'm in a dream again. Why is there a piglet in front of me? It looks like the one from Charlotte's Web. I am suddenly filled with so much love and attachment for it. My grandmother tells me I'm being wasteful by not letting them kill it for meat. I have to prove her wrong, so I tell them to kill it if they want to. They scoop out flesh from its sides leaving it barely alive, dripping blood everywhere. I try hard not to cry.

My Ammamma does not eat pork in real life. She tells my mother not to eat it either. My father thinks she controls my mother too much, and that she is the cause of all of their issues. He thinks my grandmother's love for me is conditional. He thinks she is manipulative. My father also hits my mother. Only sometimes though. Only when he feels insulted. He's not a raging alcoholic. How dare I call our family dysfunctional?

[existentialmagazine]

Review: TASH’s newest fiery single ‘Dead’ channels thunderous alternative-rock with a message of building resentment come unleashed

Since her striking pop-metal release ‘When The Lights Cut Out’ last month, the upcoming weapon of a solo artist TASH has not been slowing down. After her time in a band for the previous few years, TASH has amassed not just experience creating music but developed a storming stage presence she never fails to release at full force, a true fiery spirit deserving of every play and sold-out show we’re sure will be coming her way. Now wielding her second offering of the year ‘Dead’, TASH is just as bold as ever with what she has to offer, and it’s only going to keep paying off.

Slowly building into its bombastic sound, ‘Dead’ grows with a progressively thunderous bassline beside fuzzy, distorted pulsating synth, aggressive drum beats and a snippet of vocals, a heightened moment that introduces the track’s shattering impact before the first verse settles to a temporary calm. Slipping into just steady drums and intermittent bass twangs, the sound takes a moment to push TASH’s vocals front and centre, an almost heavenly parallel to the song’s devastating undertones in her more agile higher range. It’s not long before things pick back up in almost EDM-esque rise in electronic throbbing beats for the pre-chorus, coming completely undone for a climactic wall of sound incorporating shredding electric guitar, violent drums and continued striking bass, all intertwined with TASH’s more dominantly sung lines that grab your attention without even trying. Though her storytelling excels it’s impressive how much you can gather the narrative of the track through just sound alone, with the harshness of ‘Dead’s evolution feeling just as poignant as TASH’s words, an experience worth both understanding and listening along to for every twist and turn.

Paired with this groundbreaking sound, TASH doesn’t hesitate to offer yet another passionately burning narrative seeping through every second of ‘Dead.’ Telling her own dark anthem of growing frustrations, feeling unheard and the uncontrollable anger that builds within that period of bottled up resentment, ‘Dead’ spills out a story of the more menacing thoughts that can start to present themselves through the duration of a one-sided toxic relationship or friendship that burns in its under-appreciation. Marking the end of things, TASH from the get-go sings ‘there’s no going back, to redo what we had’ , declaring the conclusion of their intertwined paths with an emptiness you can’t help but hear the burnt-out levels of emotion behind. As the chorus only further adds fuel to the fire, TASH’s lyricism announces ‘I hate all that you say, one day when you wake up you’ll be dead’, revealing her displeasure towards their entire existence, a once love-filled relationship turned sour and carrying nothing but pure hatred moving forward. Ironically as she feels stabbed in the back, the chorus hook quite wittily sings ‘I’m sitting on the corner of the bed, ‘cause I stabbed you in the neck’, a continual metaphor raging throughout for seeking justice and vengeance. An almost bitter statement of her progression hits the hardest though, soaking her distaste through the line ‘it’s not me, it’s you… sucked all of my life away, I’ll return the favour’, seeking her own revenge and karmatic justice after being put through hell and back to maintain what they had for nothing. TASH always knows how to tell a story and ‘Dead’ is no exception, though dark and borderline psychotic, you can’t help but be gripped by every word and find yourself dancing out all of your own built-up vexations.

The music video vividly paints the scene with a horrific depiction of TASH completely out of control and covered in blood sat on the bed behind a lifeless body. With a projector covering the walls and her stained white dress, you can’t help but be completely mesmerised while equally troubled by the scenes, a remarkably brilliant yet disturbing presence all around.

Check out ‘Dead’ here to feel the true weight of TASH’s smashing sound and impassioned lyrical unravellings!

Written by: Tatiana Whybrow

Photo Credits: devplacephotos

// This coverage was created via Musosoup, #SustainableCurator.

[clarencestreet]

a lot has happened in the last week. I’m exhausted, to say the least, spiritually, mentally, emotionally. I’m so tired I’m not hungry, I’m eating out of boredom to fill some cavernous void. I hate that I’m still felling this insatiable rage, I think that there’s something wrong with me. 

Anyway we went to Melbourne. I used to hate Melbourne, but after spending extended periods of time in Brisbane, Wollongong and Newcastle it’s nice to be back in a real city. Melbourne has heart - Carlton and Fitzroy are genuinely fucking beautiful. You don’t find old Italians hanging out of cafes drinking coffee and gossiping on a Friday morning. People in Melbourne are well dressed but they still look like everyone else, I really want to go somewhere where no one looks like someone. People argue about sydney and Melbourne not because one is better than the other but because they’re the only two places up for debate in Australia. 

There’s nothing more comforting than the aircon and sterile lighting in a rural service station. You know you’ll find cold water and a disgustingly reliable pre-mixed Sirena tuna and rice packet to keep you full enough for now. 

I’ve been knocked down in my confidence. I feel like the worst in me is all anyone sees, and the best has got nothing to do with me.

[cyarskj1899]

But I was talking crazy when I had and still condemned the league for never gaf about black lives and them not being decent enough and humane organization ?

I might not always be right about things but about this I wasn’t in the wrong

When I say the NFL doesn't give a damn about Black players I meant that 💯 , let this Damar Hamlin situation be a prime example.

It took them an hour to call the game after CPR and AED had already been involved.

Disgraceful, disgusting, but so what happened to Kaepernick. They did not apologize for blackballing him. They didn’t say his fqucking name with an I’m sorry but they were loud enough to say his name when they were bad mouthing him for taking a stand against racism and police brutality though 🙄

A "step in the right direction" my ass. Since when? Nfl has been lying about their stance against racism and their support for black lives. They’re not different than any other system that would still have a bad cop in their department even if they had 30+ complaints (while if it was any other job someone would have gotten fired for no more than one complaint) or association with some white supremacist terrorist organization (why is groups like Rage Against the Machine relevant again?) but as soon as a disturbing video comes out and everyone and their mother is filled with an uncontrollable outrage and the whole entire country is burning to the ground and they wanna act all angry and they now immediately fire the bad guy but it’s already too late and it’s a thanks but no thanks because you have broken our trust in your department and once trust with someone who supposed to be respected is gone, it’s definitely gone for good

Why shouldn’t the nfl be any different ?

For those who say "It's not about race" -- stop lying. It is!

If you're still using the terms "race card," "race baitor," "race pimp," and "reverse racism" in 2023 -- you're unserious AF and going to get blocked. Here’s what we not gone do. Not on my watch

You clearly are stuck in a pre-2020 world where you haven't done the reading and don't care to.

The excuses are over. Bye.

If it was Tom Brady, we wouldn't have to see CALL THE GAME trend worldwide before the NFL finally did.

Period. Debate your cat. Argue with your mom. Get mad at the walls. Damar Hamlin deserves better.

NFL puts capital over humanity.

They don’t give a damn

Never had

The players deserve better.

Enough.

[droctavius]

so ............ i............ might’ve spoke too soon last night..............

gargoyle is OKAYYYYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyy I GUESSSSSSSsssssssss

[1-800-gaygentsofshield]

natalia | n.r.

i saw a tiktok about this and idk where it went so here

summary: You and Nat are ex-red room assassins, one day being given an asshole that you needed to interrogate. He's stubborn and gets on your nerves, a certain comment making Natasha cut the session short a bit..violently.

warnings: violence, y/n and nat being a badass assassin power couple, nat being hot, swearing, smoking/cigarette burns

pre avengers? idk you and nat are doing freelance jobs and shield asks you to do your thing

I LIED, THE SMUT WILL BE THE NEXT POST I PROMISE

"Listen, my teammate is going to come in here soon so it's either you talk now or you'll deal with her." Your demeanor is calm and cool despite the rage you felt inside, your hands placed on the table as you look at the man. "gryaznyy amerikanets, ya ne sobirayus' tebya slushat'." He hisses out, spitting on you as your jaw clenches.

Dirty american, i am not going to listen to you.

You wipe his spit off your face and look at your hand with disgust, seeing his smug grin at your reaction. That grin is quickly wiped off his face as you deliver a harsh slap to his cheek, smirking as blood slowly drips from his nose. "YA russkiy ty idiot." I'm russian, you idiot. You say before standing up, hearing the door get unlocked. Natasha steps into the room and gives you a look, sighing as she sees you shake your head.

Shield has had this man captured for almost a week, trying to do their little nice guy shtick before calling you and your girlfriend in to do it properly.

"Vy priveli druga, a?" The man grins cockily and you cross your arms.

You brought a friend, eh?

He whistles at Natasha and jerks his head over in your direction, a sickening look on his face.

"Pora nachat' nastoyashcheye vesel'ye. Ey, ryzhaya, snimi s suki odezhdu." He bites his lip and you can see Natasha's stance change, her shoulders more tense as she looks at the man.

Time for the real fun to start. Hey redhead, take the bitch's clothes off.

When neither of you move his cocky look turns into one of anger, barking out a "Do it!" as he looks at you.

In the blink of an eye Natasha grabs him by the head and forces it back, pulling out her knife from her thigh holster and pressing it up against his throat. "Kak naschet vmesto.." How about instead.. Natasha hisses as she jerks his head back, a whimper coming from his throat as the cool blade presses further into his skin.

"Vy nachinayete govorit' nam to, chto my khotim slyshat', a ya ne budu ispol'zovat' vashu golovu v kachestve misheni. Aga?"

You start telling us what we want to hear, and I wont use your head as target practice. Yeah?

She smirks as he nods his head, making eye contact with you briefly before puling her knife from his throat. Damn you were touching yourself tonight.

----

You silently fill out the file as you sit across from the prisoner, the man spilling his guts after a good amount of violence persuasion. "You don't scare me, you know." The muttered statement breaks through the silence and you glance up from the papers, an eyebrow raised as you look at him. "Excuse me?" You ask and he shakes his head, chucking in amusement. "The only reason I told you anything was because your butch bodyguard was here. You probably can't do shit." He taunts and you laugh breathlessly, looking back down at your papers as your tongue runs along your inner cheek.

"Hey, if you aren't gonna do anything but sit there and look pretty, would you be a doll and light a cigarette for me? It's in my jacket sweetheart." He says after another long period of silence, causing you to sigh and put your papers down. "Fine." You say with a tight lipped smile, grabbing the cigarette from his jacket and lighting it. He grins as you walk over to him, looking up at you and parting his lips. Instead of letting him get a smoke though, you press the lit end up against his cheek, a cry of agony coming from his mouth before you slam his head down onto the table. His head comes back up and you roughly grab the back of it, leaning down so he can hear you loud and clearly. "You've got your cigarette, now shut up before I slam your face again." You spit out, releasing the back of his head with a shove before continuing with your files. You knew Natasha was watching you so you throw a look towards the one way mirror, already imagining your girlfriend bite her lip at the scene.

----

Natasha grabs your hips and roughly presses her front up against your back, both of you standing in front of the camera monitors. "That was hot." She mumbles as she kisses your neck, your eyes fluttering closed as your girlfriend moves her hips up against your ass. "We could take down all of Shield right now." You say your thoughts as Natasha's hot breath hits your throat, feeling your girlfriend give a soft hmm in response. "Do you want to?" Nat asks and you laugh softly, feeling her warm hands run over your suit. "Nah, I feel like they'd be a good organization to have on our side. I was just saying that it would be so easy if we wanted to." You gently kiss her cheek and she nods her head, a small grin on her face as you look at each other. "Since when have you worried about having allies? Last week we almost took down Hydra because they didn't have the chips that you liked." Nat teases and you smile, shrugging as your hands move down to intertwine with hers. "We can't do this forever, Nat. When the time comes we need to pick a side and I'm thinking that Shield is a good option." You say and she nods her head, hips still gently moving against you. "You think they'd let us if we asked?" She asks and you shrug, kissing the back of her hand as you glance up at the monitors. "Probably, because if they didn't they'd have one large enemy against them." You grin and Natasha only chuckles against your neck.

You both stay there for a few more moments before you pull yourself out of her grip, turning to face her as her hands remain on your hips. "Im going to check in with Fury, see if he needs us for anything else." You say and she nods her head, both of you leaning in for a kiss. Instead of connecting your lips though, you gently brush them over one another, a grin forming on your lips as you feel Natasha trying to close that gap. "Fucking tease." She whispers and you only laugh, walking away from the console as you could feel her eyes on you.

----

"Shield is gonna take you from here." You say to the man as you check his restraints, Natasha walking into the room as you do so. "Hey babe, I got you some food. You haven't eaten all day." Natasha says, holding up a bag of food. A smile graces across your face as you walk over to Nat, touching her arm gently as you thank her. "She shouldn't have the calories." The man comments, his voice dripping with disgust as Nat glares at him. "What?" Natasha asks, her tone dangerously calm as she looks at him. "I said she's fa-" The man doesn't get to finish his sentence as Natasha pulls out her gun and shoots him in the chest, her hand recoiling back only a bit as Fury walks in. "Romanoff! What the hell?" He questions as he sees the redhead hold the gun up, the man slumped over in his chair. "He was getting on my nerves." She shrugs before holding the bag up to you, a small smile returning to your face. "It's your favorite." :)

[tatestripedsweater]

Crimson Sheets

Plot: James certainly wasn’t afraid of a little blood, so when your period arrived he took great pleasure in easing those cramps of yours

James Patrick March X Fem!Reader

Warning: Blood Kink, Oral (Female Recieving), Period Sex

Word Count: 2,271

A/N: If any of these ^ aren’t your thing simply don’t read, the warnings there for a reason dears. I tried my best with his smut, hope you enjoy!

Protective was an understatement of how you’d describe James, if anyone was looking in your direction one quick glare from him and they’d be gone. Quite literally after a few hours.

So when he saw you curled up in the bed you two shared; which was mostly used for fucking, his heart sank. Small whimpers left your lips as the sheets covered your figure, he often liked whimpers escaping your throat but this was a completely different scenario entirely.

It’s not that he hadn’t been with you when you were on your period, you just simply tried to avoid any attention to which he’d figure it out.

‘’My darling.. who do I need to kill?’’ Kneeling beside you by the bed, his big hand moved your hair back so he could see your face properly. Your eyes red and puffy, he would hurt the person who had put you in this state, part of him had a suspicion that it’s Elizabeth.

‘’No one.. it’s nothing James..” He could always tell when you lied, your voice went high and you couldn’t bare to look him in the eyes. James’ jaw clenched as he tried to compose himself, not wanting you to see the rage inside him with you in this fragile state.

‘’Darling.. dearest.. tell me’’ The pet names he called you made your heart flutter, even though you both came from different eras in the world you could help but fall for the man kneeled by you. Yes he was a killer, and the anger in him sometimes frightened you but he was the only man that you had been with that out your needs first.

‘’I’m bleeding..’’ The anger went from his eyes and it soon turned to worry, lifting up the sheets he saw no evidence of the red substance. He was acting like a doctor, examining you for any injuries. ‘’I meant between my legs James..’’

‘’Oh..’’ You half expected him to walk away, back in his day women rarely spoke of such a thing, just suffered in silence. But the smirk on his face said otherwise, what was going through that brain of his? ‘’Darling you should’ve just told me, I am sure I know a way to ease your pain’’

Before you could even question him James had already moved so he was kneeled above you, his tall stature made you feel tiny. You sometimes wondered how you got so lucky, he could have any women he wanted yet he picked you.

‘’ I hear orgasms ease a females menstrual pains my dear, so that is what I’ll give you’’ Before you could even protest to the idea he lifted your night dress, James cold lips caressed the skin of your stomach before leaving open mouthed kisses on soft and supple skin.

A groan left his lips when he heard the noises that was leaving yours, anyone would think you hadn’t been touched like this before, James knew how sensitive you were to his touch and used that knowledge to his advantage. Kissing his way down to your stomach he saw a glint of fear in your eyes, James could tell no man has ever pleasured you through on your period but he wasn’t going to stop. Not even for a little bit of blood.

‘’Darling I take the lives of others, I practically bathe in their blood, this inconvenience of yours is not going to bother me one bit’’ Using his teeth he peeled of your underwear down your thighs, he knew just how to get you writhing under him. From the material of your underwear grazing against your skin as he pulled them down made goosebumps appear on your skin, he couldn’t help but let out a dark chuckle at how sensitive you are.

Looking away you felt your cheeks go bright red as he looked between your thighs, you couldn’t even respond but only with a moan as soon as his lips wrapped themselves around your clit. James’ hands pressing down against your stomach as he held you in place, he felt himself get harder with each moan that you let out.

He didn’t even complain of the taste, in fact he loved it. The mixture of your cunts natural wetness and the copper of the blood was enough to make him grind down against the bed as he lay between your legs. Squeezing his head between your thighs he pried them back open, even in times like this James wanted complete and utter control over you.

‘’J-James..’’ Leaning your head back against the pillow you took everything he was giving to you, his tongue was like magic. Moving a hand down you gripped onto his raven hair, which made him not only groan against you but nipple slightly on your clit. The sudden feeling made you jolt ever so slightly, a smirk plastered across his face.

‘’Be careful with pulling my hair dearest, you know how excited that makes me’’ Oh you did indeed, the first time you done it, it was my accident, but the reaction you got out of him was enough to make your underwear from to your ankles.

Teasing your cunt he parted your lips with his fingers as his mouth still assaulted your clit, using his index and middle finger he thrusted them inside you. Your moans were getting louder with each stroke of his fingers and every suckle of your clit, but he didn’t dare stop now, not with you completely under his control.

You hoped to god he wasn’t going to stop, you felt like you were in heaven, as soon as your legs started to tremble James just knew he had you right on the edge. He was like a starving man taking his last meal, James could spend hours between your legs with no complaints what so ever. Curling his fingers inside you, James hit the spot, he knew just from the way your hips bucked and how you cried out his name like a mantre.

‘’James please!’’ A mixture of curse words and his name left your lips as your orgasm started to take over, you felt like fire was pooling down in your stomach. It wasn’t a bad feeling, not at all, it was the most pleasurable moment you had experienced. Your knuckles turned white as you gripped onto the bed sheets for dear life, James’ eyes were on you the whole time as he worked you through your orgasm.

‘’There she is..’’ He muttered against your cunt as he slowed down to ease you from your high, you were like an angel to him. It was like light had surrounded you, the only pure thing he had in his life yet you were like a whore in the bedroom. His to take as he pleaded, and he certainly didn’t hear any complaints from you.

Slowly pulling away he got back up on his knees, and the sight before you was enough to make a nun swear, from the tip of his nose all the way around his mouth was covered in your blood. Licking his lips he hummed in satisfaction, at this point you didn’t even care about the bedsheets Mrs Evers had to clean after this, the way James looked deemed him a wild animal.

‘’Now dear, let’s get to fucking that cute cunt shall we?’’ The expression on his face was absolutely sinful, and you were sure you’d be welcomed into hell when the time came.

Unbuckling his belt and throwing it somewhere forgotten, he pulled his clothes off with ease. He was like a god, but telling him that was surely going to boost his ego so instead you kept it to yourself. James’ cock was purple around the tip due to it being confined within his clothing. Pre cum ran down the underside of his of cock, growling he saw you bite your lip, knowing exactly what was going through your mind in that moment.

‘’Later, right now this is about you dear’’ James lifted your legs up and around his waist, pulling you closer to him. His cock run across your slit teasingly slow, blood coating his cock as he fired James knew what he was doing to you and he loved it. He had you purring like a kitten and the man hasn’t even fucked you yet, there was one thing about James and that’s that he liked to tease. Wanted you to beg for what you so craved, wanted to hear you tell him how you wanted it.

‘’Please.. use me, I’m yours..’’ Oh you certainly were, and he reminded you each day. Whining as his names dug into your hips, leaving half moon shapes, his hips snapped forward as his cock filled you up deliciously.

‘’Oh that’s it! Take my cock darling!’’ He snarled with each thrust of his hips, he kept it hard and fast, the sheets below you looked like someone had been murdered and honestly it wasn’t the first time that happened within this room.

You were screaming underneath him, the whole hotel was sure enough to hear the both of you. Looking up at him desperately your eyes met his dark ones, the bed was creaking under you both, the headboard banging against the wall. ‘’D-dont stop!’’

‘’I don’t plan too darling!’’ James leaned down and moved your legs up and over his shoulders, the new angle forcing his cock deeper inside you. His hand met the back of your head, pulling your hair tightly to which forced your head up, leaving your neck exposed.

James’ lips met your neck in a hot frenzy, biting down hard on the flesh until he was satisfied with the purple mark leaving in his wake. The only noises in the room were that off you both moaning, and skin slapping together and the wet noise of his cock thrusting inside your cunt, his balls hit your ass with each thrust and you were sure there were going to be bruises just from that.

Sweat formed on your skin, the light making it glisten. His stamina was something you’ve never came across before, I guess that was a perk of being dead, he could go on forever if he could but you, still alive and well could not.

You were careful not to touch the scars on his back, knowing that he’d disapprove and anger him, instead your nails gripped onto his ass cheeks, pulling him deeper inside you if that was even a possibility. His cock filled you up to the brim, your cunt squeezing against him like a vice had such obscene noises leaving your lovers mouth.

‘’Darling your divine, a work of art!’ He snarled each word with a hard thrust, making you squeal out. James always praised you during times like these, it wasn’t exactly gentle sex but it wasn’t the roughest he’d been with you. You were his life, and soon to be wife, Mrs March.

‘’James I don’t think I’ll last much longer..’’ He could tell, from how your legs shook on his shoulders and the squeezing of your cunt around his cock. His orgasm was dawning too much James always made sure to make you cum first, there wasn’t anyway he was going to fill you up beofre you’ve had pleasure overtake your body.

Not caring about the now dried blood around his mouth he kissed you, hungrily yet lovingly. The taste of your cunt mixed with tobacco and the metallic taste of your blood had you whining against his lips, you didn’t expect to find it so arousing, but by god you did and you certainly wasn’t going to pass up an opportunity to do it again.

Holding you close he started to loose his rhythm, he was holding back from his own release and you could tell, with each thrust it was getting sloppier and sloppier. The noises your bodies made together was something out of a porn, his breath ragged as your cunt squeezed against him yet again. ‘’J-James..’’ Whimpers left your lips as you felt another orgasm approaching, the burning sensation coming back in your stomach but much stronger this time.

‘’Cum for me darling, let go’’ His voice much deeper than usual along with his words sent you over the edge, clinging onto him for dear life your cunt tightened around his cock once again, forcing a loud moan from your lovers lips. Your orgasm took over your entire body, you started to see stars, it was beautiful and erotic, arching your back as he kept thrusting even after your orgasm, he knew how sensitive you were.

‘’Fuck darling!’’ A snarl left his mouth, he sounded like a wild animal, a beast if you will. His met yours once again hungrily as his thrusts lost more rhythm before his hips stuttered against yours, growling he filled you up with his cum. The smell of blood, sweat and cum filled the room like a whores perfume, it was a scent you could get used too.

Panting heavily below him he watched you with adortion, James thought he’d never find another woman after Elizabeth but once you checked into the hotel it all changed. He had to make you his, and he did, but the fear off loosing you outside of the hotel overtook his senses everyday you left the premises.

One day he would kill you, James knew he would, with or without your consent. But for now he held your hot and sweaty figure in his arms, you completely oblivious to the plans he had in mind for the future.

[janshu]

CEO!AU Endeavor for @cherrytenko's collab...

Summary: Drabble, 1k-ish words for the CEO collab!

Warnings: Oral (m!receiving), dirty talk, slaps, slight threats, g!n w/ the mention of wife, vague mentions of being a pain bunny & sugar daddy/baby relationship.

"And don't come back until you've filed all the expense reports!"

The day started off poorly. The extensive and frankly redundant meetings did little to quell the rage the Boss was famous for. The little lemmings scurried out of the meeting room as if a fire had been lit underneath their asses. Ants, all of them. That was a compliment. At least ants knew what to do without being ordered.

The head of the infamous Endeavor Conglomerate was a man to be respected and feared. It was easier said than done to avoid his ire. Few employees lasted their internship at the company despite the overwhelming benefits that came with further employment after the allotted training period. They were all either fired due to their incompetence or they quit of their own volition, the stress of the expectations making them crack under the pressure. The businessman who fled from the meeting room weren't met with the usual tantrum that followed after their rough dismissal. They all had noticed how their boss was distracted. As if something more important had caught his attention but there was nothing more important to him than work. Everyone knew that. There had been rumors of a rival company making their way into their territory, making the large amounts of paperwork that covered his desk turn into mountains. The break room was quickly filled with gossiping men and women as they all discussed what could be wrong.

Enji groaned, hand smoothing back the gel that kept his scarlet hair in place. Everything felt hot, his breath was hot, the air was hot, even the leather chair underneath him felt hot. The planet's must've aligned to allow Mr. Todoroki to be thankful, thanking luck that he had been in such a hurry and had forgotten to put his jacket back on. The room felt like an oven so he could only imagine the sweltering heat if he was wearing the navy blue cover.

Rolling up his shirt sleeve he folded the cuffs up towards his elbow, hoping his forearms would catch any light breeze and cool his overheating body. Enji wasn't a man who could go to the gym on a daily, or even weekly, basis yet he still retained his muscles. Finding shirts that weren't tailor made was difficult to his unconscious habit of ripping the seams whenever he flexed, buttons bopping, fabric stretching until all that was left were threads and slabs of fabric. His arms were like the trunks of a great oak tree. Long, wide and covered with scars from his youth. His second defining feature besides his pectorals that connected to his personal favorite feature: his hands.

Oh, he knew very well that he had a hand kink. Twice the size of anyone else's his palm alone could smother a face with thick and wide fingers made it easy to thread into hair and grip a scalp with one hand. They could spread legs apart with ease and when they plunged inside a cunt it was all the prep they needed for his cock. Seeing his hand wrapped around a pretty throat riled him up like nothing else and leading someone's head up and down as he used their mouths as a cocksleeve the best stress reliever. Which was the very thing he was getting to.

One of the massive hands darted underneath the table to spread apart the flaps of his slacks, the zipper as far down as it could go but it still wasn't enough. His scorching cock hanging out in the shadow of the table as drool and pre cascaded down his calf towards his leather loafer. The evidence of lipstick smeared across his prominent V-Line made a messy trail towards the base of his manhood. Your lipstick. The gaudy color you promised to wear if he brought you to work. How could he not take up your offer to pleasure him during his work hours? You knew how hard he worked and how little time you got to spend with him. This was the best solution wasn't it?

"You dirty slut." The same hand gripped the chunk of hair at the crown of your head to pull you up from underneath the table. Your knees lifting off the uncomfortable carpet beneath you by the sheer strength Enji displayed without even realizing. The light hurt your bleary eyes, making you tear up even more than you already were from the burn in your jaw. A light shining on your filthy deeds underneath the table. "You nearly gave it away, whore. What do you think would happen to my reputation if they found out my slutty wife was sucking me off in front of them?"

There was no chance to answer as the other hand came down hard against your cheek, leaving a handprint shaped welt on that side of your face. You may as well have been fucked dumb by the cloudy film over your loving eyes and the lopsided grin that grew from the pain. How lucky was he to find an escort like you years ago who could keep up with his sadistic desires. What turned from a business arrangement to release his pent up frustration out on you turned into you becoming his pretty spouse. His cock twitching against your chest as he caught sight of that big, fat diamond ring on your left hand.

"That's right, you're too dumb to fucking care aren't you? Just my dumb, personal cocksleeve. Get back to work and do better this time, if I hear so much as a slurp during the next meeting then you're going to regret it." The jerk of his wrist pulled at your hair, the sharp pain sending pleasure right to your dripping sex as his hand guided your mouth back onto his cock. Tip prodding your stained lips open to be shoved back down into your throat with an obscene gag, the saltiness and burn coming right back as he assaulted your mouth to his pleasure.

"You have five minutes until the next meeting, you better make me cum or else I'm revoking your allowance." The tip of his shoe pressed into your sex, heel digging into the flesh of your thigh as the rubber gave you the delicious friction to cum for the umpteenth time since he pushed you under there. "Make it snappy."

[omgitsroshi]

Blood Kink

cw: blood, blood play, period play

Tendou had a blood kink. Unbeknownst to you, he always struggled with himself whenever your time of the month came around. He wanted to see the thin red liquid coated evenly across his shaft, getting into his pubes and watch as you squirm uncomfortably under him. He didn't want you to think he was weirder than he already was so he kept this a secret -- until one fateful night.

"Tendou baby is that you?" You called upon hearing the front door open. You walked into the hallway in one of your over-sized shirts and watched as the redhead greeted you with the sweet smile he gave you and only you.

"Hi my love," He stooped down to scoop you up into a hug. "How are you today?" 

"I'm a lot better." You smiled up at him, pulling him down for a kiss. "Thank you for taking care of me yesterday baby."

He turned you swiftly with ease and began to walk closely behind you, forcing you to move forward with him so that he could close the front door.

"What's a boyfriend for?" He smiled back and kissed your forehead, but you could sense something was a little off. He stalked off into your shared bedroom and began to change.

"Is something wrong Tori?" You asked, following him. You watched intently as he pulled his shirt over his head, back muscles flexing and showcasing the faint scars you left on his back from your fingernails. 

"Just a tough day at work. It's nothing to worry about, love." He sighed a little and started at his belt buckle. You noticed the bulge in his boxers before he swiftly turned away, almost as if he were hiding it.

"Ten.." You leaned against the door frame, hormones swirling and making your brain foggy. "I know I'm.. incapable of pleasing you right now in the way you might want but.. I can still please you in other ways." 

He glanced over his shoulder at you, making you quickly divert your gaze to the dresser beside you. A smug smile swept across his face but it was gone as quick as it came. He made his way over to where you were standing and placed his forearm on the door frame, inches above your head and towering over you. You shifted under his gaze and glanced at your feet.

"..But what if what I want," He began, in a sultry tone, placing a finger under your chin and making you look at him. "What if what I want isn't  your mouth or hands.. or even.. the backdoor." 

He whispered the last part near your ear, making you shiver. If it wasn't any of these things then what did he want? What else could there be except-

"Oh no." You backed out of Tendou's grasp, out of breath. "No, no, no Tori! Do you know how gross that is?" 

You felt your face get hot when he crossed the floor towards you, closing the distance again.

"It's all I ever think about.." He smirks, draping his arms around you. They landed at your lower back where he started tracing circles with those trained, slender athlete's fingers. You closed your eyes and began feeling the effects of his fingers dancing over the spot, turning you on even more.

"But," You paused for a second, stilling his actions momentarily with that simple word. "won't it hurt Tori?"

You looked up at him with those big, round, innocent eyes that made him want to take your virginity the first time. His heart fluttered and he began moving his fingers on your lower back again, watching your eyes flutter and falter before placing your head back on his chest.

"I always take care of my bunny, don't I?" He inquired, bringing one hand up to caress the nape of your neck. You whimpered and nodded and that was all he needed to know. He began to walk back to the bedroom with you in his arms but you paused for a second. He looked down at you again, curiosity and amusement coating his face.

"Okay.. but a few ground rules." You spoke semi-sternly but altered your voice when he looked at you with a raised eyebrow. "A towel must be placed on the bed before laying me down.. No putting your nose, mouth, or any part of your face near it.. And no touching it with your bare hands.."

He nodded, assessing every one of the individual rules in his head. Once he came to term with them, he went to the bathroom and grabbed a towel before laying it smoothly in the center of the bed.

"The throne awaits the princess." He spoke boldly with a grand sweep of his hand. You looked between him and the bed skeptically before sitting gingerly on the edge of the bed, pulling your shorts and underwear down to your ankles. You kicked them off and crawled to the center of the bed, knees pulled to your chest

Tendou watched your every movement but it didn't make you feel uncomfortable at all. In fact, it made you feel safer. He also climbed on the bed and positioned himself between your knees.

He attached his lips to yours and you got flashbacks of the night he deflowered you. The nostalgia had you aching for more and you wrapped your arms around his neck pulling him closer. He lowered himself onto you a bit more and the sensation of his boner poking your inner thigh made you gasp.

"Tori.. your clothes.." You said, out of breath as he kissed your neck, his other hand on the other side of your neck, holding you in place. 

"Shh.." He mumbled into your neck. He used his other hand to grab your thigh and rub circles on it with his thumb. You moaned softly, causing him to sit up momentarily.

His pants were off in a split second and he knelt in front of you in his boxers, a raging hard-on being contained by only a piece of thin fabric. You sat up on your elbows and followed his gaze.

His eyes were focused on the string of the tampon sitting just outside of your pretty cunt. He glanced at you with a question dancing about his face, which was covered in a hazy blush. 

You nodded hesitantly and he wasted no time in taking one of his fingers and wrapping it around the string. He pulled slowly and watched as the puffy item fell out, coated in a layer of red liquid and slick.

He bit his lip as he took a napkin from the nightstand and wrapped it delicately. His eyes met yours and you were already looking away, ashamed to make eye contact with him. He leaned in to kiss your cheek as a form of reassurance.

"My bunny.." He whispered in your ear. "My beautiful bunny.." 

The words resonated throughout your body and along with his hands, touching feverishly up and down your torso, you could feel the arousal building in your gut, no matter how hard you tried to fight it.

"Satori.." You moaned softly, making him look at you. "Please.. fuck me.."

You rarely, if ever, used his full first name. That's how he knew you were serious. You spread your legs a bit more and allowed him to fit between them. He pulled his boxers down slowly, making his dick spring up and hit his stomach. You'd rarely see him this hard if you weren't doing something special for him or wearing his clothes unknowingly.

A bead of pre-cum was dancing atop the head of his dick which was angrily red, almost the same shade of his hair. He intertwined fingers with you and rolled his head along your slit. You gasped a little when he slipped inside, pain coursing through your body as it went in with relative ease.

As soon as he bottomed out, he let out a groan and dropped his head on your shoulder. It took him a moment to compose himself. It was wetter and warmer and the smell intrigued him, enticed him to go further..

He sat up, back into his kneeling position and pulled out until only the tip was still inside of you. The complete coating of his dick in your blood and juices made him feel feral. 

He bent down and kissed your forehead which was covered in a light sheen. 

"You okay baby?" He asked attentively. You looked up at him with a look he didn't expect you to have. It was of pure determination.

"Stop screwing around and fuck me already Tori!" Your voice, meant to be stern came off as more of a plea but it carried the same effect for Tendou. 

He placed his hands under your knees and pulled them up so that he could get a better view. He began to pump in and out at a steady pace. Every movement he made was deeply felt in your hole.

It wasn't long before he was pounding into you and having you pleading for mercy.

"Oh-oh god!" You moaned. "Don't stop!"

Tendou was getting closer with every passing moment but the doe-eyed look you were giving him made him want to fill you up to the brim and never stop. He picked up his pace with a growl and pressed you into a mating press with your legs on his shoulders.

He pressed his lips to yours, groaning lowly into your mouth and mixing with your whimpers and gasps. Your whimpers got softer and closer together which was a telltale sign that you were close. The skin on skin contact became more and more frequent until you gripped his bicep and the knot in your stomach finally burst, releasing all of the tension onto your lover's Adonis belt and lower torso. 

As soon as you felt Tendou's thrusts become sloppier and his breath become labored, you decided to egg him on a bit. 

"Cum inside me.." You moaned, watching as he reveled in that statement, rolling his head back almost as if he were considering it. "Don't think about it baby.. I want you to fill me up with all of you. Make me big and round with your seed Ten-"

You were cut off by his abnormally loud groan as he released all of his load into you in stringy hot ropes. 

"So fucking hot.. so fucking hot.." He muttered over and over as he pulled out and watched as a pool of blood and semen flowed out soon after.

He attached his lips to yours once more and rolled to your side. You were both out of breath and so hot that all you could manage was a holding of each other's pinkies.

"So.." You spoke after a while. He looked over at you with weary but excited eyes, full of love and admiration for you. He's super love drunk right now, you smiled to yourself. "How was it?"

"Same time, next month?" is all he said before trapping you in a tight hold and falling asleep in your arms despite all of your struggles.

"Who knew you had so many hidden kinks, you goof.." You laughed quietly to yourself, watching him sleep peacefully as if what happened not even 5 minutes ago didn't happen. "You find new ways to make me love you every day Tori.."

You kissed his nose and released yourself from his death grip, taking the towel and going to the bathroom to take a well-deserved shower.

[theladysexpistol]

Can i get some La Squadra headcannons with a fem reader (it can be either platonic or romantic) who is like an anime mom ? You know... the hair, the kind smile, the delicious food, their motherly personality, the fact that they would probably die because of a horrible disease or death ?

I laughed way more than I should’ve when I read this. I’ve always said I’ve wanted an anime where the horrible death came at the end but that we got to see the parents date (before the father inevitably left/disappeared and she had to die for their kids)

So I’m gonna make this romantic and I’m saying someone is gonna realize she’s an anime mom in the pre-mom phase

~~~

Risotto

- Risotto is absolutely the kind of guy who’s heart would be stolen by a gentle, kind woman who would be an anime mom with the side ponytail

- It’s a tragic love story. “He’s a dangerous man, you shouldnt love him!” “I love him anyway! Maybe I can change him!”

- She succeeds and Risotto really does consider stepping down from Passione. Settling down with a family even though he has killed so many people and feels as though he doesn’t deserve it... I’m getting big FMA Elric brother vibes heres

- Unlike Van Hohenheim (???) though, when the anime mom dies Risotto goes on a righteous fury slaughter to kill whoever’s fault it is.

Chances of being the father of an anime protagonist: moderate, i can’t see him wanting to have children but she might convince him

Formaggio

- Formaggio has read his manga he knows an anime mom when he sees one

- Unfortunately for him he kinda falls in love with her. I mean, she’s so gosh darn nice how could you blame him. It’s literally the story of a tough guy softening up for the gentle, sweet woman who comes into his life

- Does everything he can for her. He probably tries to install a good sense of self-preservation in her now. He will try to stop fate from taking her but only fools think they can truly stop the death of an anime mom with a side ponytail

- Chances of being the father of an anime protagonist: pretty high because hes stupid enough to have kids with the woman even with his foresight

Illuso

- Illuso is an asshole and as much as i love him it fills me with rage to think of him getting a lady as nice and loving as an anime mom

- He’s probably mean to her but in that slightly-nicer-than-everyone-else-gets way

- He makes a lot of comments about the style she wears her hair and mimics it sometimes by pulling his ponytails to the side

- Chances of being the father of an anime protagonist: Pretty high because hes both 1) ignorant to the fate of the woman and 2) tell me illuso isnt a horny bastard

Prosciutto

- Okay 100% I believe Prosciutto wants a housewife. He wants to be THAT gangster

- So anime mom is lowkey his type

- He’s the tough love sort, doesn’t say it a lot but his actions are very clear. He and Pesci both adore this woman and will do anything for her

- Pesci is the one who realizes she’s an anime mom and worriedly tells Prosciutto but by then it’s too late there’s nothing he can do

- Chances of being the father of an anime protagonist: High, he’s way far into his happy gangster family life when he realizes it. she almost certainly dies because of something gang related which makes his anime protagonist child hate him for being in the mafia

Melone

- Also could see anime mom being a type Melone’s into, but i also cant imagine there’s not many people out there who arent Melone’s type

- He also notices she is an anime mom like Formaggio, but is less freaked out by it. instead he’s quite interested and wants to see the theory through

- Of course he does love her and doesn’t want her to die so he’ll do what he can but he’s quite aware that the universe may just... not make that possible

- Chances of being the father of an anime protagonist: Very high, he wants to see the theory through so he isn’t afraid of having children with her. Also get a breeding sort of thing from him with his stand so I think Melone just wants kids period

Ghiaccio

- A gentle, sweet woman is exactly the kind of person Ghiaccio needs. and lots of patience

- He falls head over heels in love with this woman, and will do anything for her. unfortunately the poor guy has no idea of the anime mom curse

- so when she dies a horrible death he probably does not take it well

- Chances of being the father of an anime protagonist: Low, I don’t see Ghiaccio as ever wanting children and he’d be kind of a bad dad, i think