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undressrehearsal · 1 month ago

Text

a bite of luxury

summary: you decide to look for a sugar mommy and stumble across this strange girl that seems to have more to hide

tags: sugarmommy!ellie, rich!ellie, vampire!ellie (yep, we got it all) alcohol, reader is poor lmao, reader uses she/her and is referred to as a girl once or twice, no smut in this one sorry gotta establish the world first

word count: ~8k

a/n: it's been so long since i posted a fic lol working full time and trying to finish my book is killing my schedule BUT i hope y'all like this this was my fiancee's idea and i'm running with it i got a LOT of plans for this one - plans i think y'all are gonna love

also the drawing in the cover is made by @nramv seriously go check out their work they're so talented!!

if you wanna be added to my tag list just lmk!

You hadn’t been searching for a sugar mommy.

Truthfully, when your best friend had sent you the link, you had dismissed it immediately. She had been joking about it for months, talking about how much easier it would be if you just found a nice older woman to take care of you. You hadn’t even opened the link - you only rolled your eyes, replied with a middle finger emoji, and left it at that.

And yet things kept piling up. The stack of bills on your kitchen counter was growing to a concerning height, a mountain of unanswered responsibilities that was getting harder to ignore. Your landlord kept calling you - you no longer answered, just watched the phone ring until it finally stopped and ignored the increasingly angrier voicemails. Your apartment was an absolute disaster; you could never be bothered to clean it, because by the time you got home from working both of your jobs, you only had enough energy to eat a bowl of leftovers and promptly pass out in bed.

The link kept popping up in your mind, each bill in your mailbox a gentle reminder. You found yourself scrolling all the way up the text chain to find it again during sleepless nights. So many times you would only stare at it, your thumb hovering over the blue letters, before you closed the chat and threw your phone down.

It was stupid, of course. But as time went on, the idea of letting yourself get buried alive under a mountain of debt - of getting evicted from your apartment and having to crash on your friend’s couch - seemed all the more stupid.

So, late on a Thursday night, after you had had another anxiety attack staring down at your bank account, you went back up the text chain, and you clicked the link.

www.seeking.com

It didn't take long for the messages to start coming in. You should have been flattered, honestly - you had at least a handful of people in your messages practically begging you for the honor of paying your fucking rent - but you really just felt like you were playing a part that you hadn't even read the script for. You had curated your profile with all the things that made you appear more cultured than you actually were: going to museums and pondering over Baroque art and reading poetry over a pretentious cup of coffee. Sure, these were all things you had done - you had photo proof, after all - but somehow you didn't recognize yourself. It felt like you were looking at pictures of a stranger living a life you wanted but couldn't reach.

Most people were fine - charming, even. You got maybe one or two that felt like they would lure you into their sex dungeon to murder you, but that was expected with any dating site. You even went on a few dates, scrounging up the nicest dress you owned and getting pampered at a five-star restaurant or going for a ride on an older woman’s personal yacht. One person even took you for a helicopter ride, which was fun but she was a little too handsy on the first date to warrant a second.

One name kept popping up though, a name that was becoming far too familiar in your notifications.

ellie: meet me at 8 <3

When she first messaged you, you had thought she was like you: somebody searching for a partner to pay their bills. Her pictures didn't exactly scream sugar mommy material. Her first picture was just a normal selfie taken outside; she wore a worn out leather jacket, her short hair tangled from the wind and green eyes squinting in the sunlight. She had stupid pictures of mushrooms and candid shots of her browsing a science museum, looking far too excited in front of a t-rex skeleton. Hell, in most of her pictures she looked like she was wearing clothes she had found at a thrift store.

You had thought she was like you, until she sent you a picture inside her fucking Rolls-Royce.

“Fuck,” you audibly cursed into the quiet of your room. You had been talking for a few days, and she had begun to do that - sending you small selfies throughout the day. In the last one, she had taken a picture in front of the mirror at the gym, flicking off the camera, her lean muscles glistening with sweat. Before that, it had been a blurry picture of her dog, Riley - a huge German Shephard - splayed on her back at a park, leaves stuck in her fur.

So, yeah, when you found out Ellie was not only rich, but rich enough to casually have a Royce, you were more than a little surprised.

The selfie was cute, you couldn’t deny that. Her hair was wind-swept, catching in those long ass eyelashes. Ellie’s nose was scrunched up, freckles popping against her cheeks, holding up a peace sign.

She was fucking adorable and you already knew it. But seeing her worn out leather jacket and messy hair against black and white leather seats that looked like they, alone, cost more than your entire apartment complex combined - it was a little jarring.

And when she asked you out on a date soon after - after finding out she wasn’t Iike you but rather searching for someone like you - how could you say no?

Ellie offered to pick you up - like a gentleman, she had said - but frankly, you weren’t quite convinced yet that she wasn’t some blood-thirsty pervert trying to lure you into her dungeon, so you politely declined. Instead, in your nicest dress and heels you hardly wore because they pinched your toes, you called an Uber.

You had never been to this side of town. You had plugged in the address Ellie gave you - had double and triple checked it while your awkwardly chatty Uber driver tried asking you about what you do for a living - but the streets here were so unfamiliar you may as well have been in another city. You looked at the foreign buildings rising up around you, large windows giving you a glimpse of the life inside them. People were sitting outside in the chilly air, laughing over wine and dinner. Looking at them - with perfectly sculpted hair and clothes you would have to spend several entire paychecks on - you felt like a cheap impersonator dressed up in a costume.

The Uber pulled up in front of a hotel, and your heart stopped. Surely, this wasn’t where Ellie had sent you - leading you to some fucking hotel room when you hadn’t even met yet?

You turned to the driver, your home address at the edge of your tongue, when the car door opened.

You had practically been leaning against the door to peer out the window, and nearly lost your balance when it was suddenly gone without warning. You looked up, ready to yell at whatever pretentious prick in Prada was trying to fuck with you - but your voice died in your throat.

Ellie was shorter than you thought she'd be, honestly. In all her pictures, she had this commanding energy, like she would tower over you in person.

Which, to be fair, she was. She had her arm propped on the doorframe above your head, leaning over so she could meet your eyes. Her hair was pushed back from her face, a few stray strands falling over her forehead, and she was looking at you with an intensity that hadn't quite translated through her pictures.

Ellie smiled - that adorably crooked smile you had seen in all her selfies - and said, “Hi.”

And the only word you were able to get your mouth to form was, “Fuck.”

Ellie blinked at you for a moment - long enough that you could feel the flush creeping up your neck and were ready to walk home if you had to - before she finally laughed. That wasn’t like what you had expected either; she had this deep, rough laugh, almost like she was trying to hold it in.

She looked up at you through her lashes - you tried to ignore the way your heart inexplicably skipped - and said, “I’ll take that as a compliment?” Her voice tilted up at the end like it was a question. Ellie ducked her head down further, looking past you to meet the driver’s eyes, and pulled cash from her back pocket. With her most charming smile, she handed it to the driver and said, “Thanks for getting her here safe.”

You didn’t see how much money she gave him, but after she took your hand and guided you out of the car, you turned back just in time to see his grin before he sped off.

“Thanks for coming out.” You looked back at Ellie and found yourself speechless once again. (You, thankfully, were able to hold in the expletive this time.) The worn out jacket that had featured in just about all of her pictures was missing, replaced instead by a pristine, white satin shirt, the top few buttons undone to expose a sliver of collarbone and a gold chain beneath. Despite the chill in the air, she had a classy black jacket hanging from her arm as though it were an accessory. Ellie smiled and looked down, licking her lips before saying, “You’re quite the sight for sore eyes.”

You tried to smile at her but found that your eyes kept flitting behind her, looking at the looming monstrosity of the hotel. It was a nice hotel - the kind that had a huge fountain right in front of it and a chandelier in the lobby that sparkled through the window - but it was a hotel nonetheless. Despite the set in your jaw, traitorous tears stung the corners of your eyes; you wanted to kick yourself for actually thinking that Ellie might be different.

Ellie followed your gaze over her shoulder, her smile dropping, before she quickly turned back to you with panic in her eyes. She stumbled over her words as though her tongue weren’t cooperating: “Shit, I’m sorry, this looks really bad doesn't it?” She grimaced and squeezed your hand she was still holding, scratching awkwardly at the back of her head with the other. “Fuck, this isn’t the first impression I wanted. I could promise it's not what it looks like, but maybe it'd be better if I just showed you?”

You honestly did think about telling her to fuck off. She was a complete fucking stranger that you only really knew from a dating app, and she was trying to lure you into a hotel in a part of town you were unfamiliar with - really, only an idiot would follow her.

But she was looking at you with wide green eyes, the lights around you shining back like stars. While searching for the constellations, you found yourself saying, “Okay.” You blinked, pulled from a trance, and added, “But you should know, I do have a taser in my bag.”

That pulled a shocked laugh from Ellie’s lips. She gently tugged on your hand, pulling you towards the door, and said, “Smart girl.”

You knew that the hotel was outside of your price range because a perfectly groomed doorman opened the door for you, waving you inside with a gloved hand. You didn’t take much time to process the interior - the chandelier was just as grand as it had seemed from outside and elaborate columns rose to the ceiling - because Elllie was pulling you towards the elevators. It was like she wanted to ignore the fact that she had brought you to a hotel at all. You couldn’t decide if that was reassuring.

In the empty elevator, you gently drew your hand back and leaned against the wall opposite her. You tried to ignore looking at the way her pinstripe slacks hugged the curves of her thighs, the fabric straining when she propped one booted foot on the wall behind her.

“So,” you started in a desperate attempt to fill the awkward silence, “if you’re not leading me into a seedy hotel room on the first date, then what are we doing?”

“Okay, one,” Ellie said, chuckling, “this is anything but a seedy hotel. And two, what kind of a date would it be if I ruined the surprise?”

“And what if I don’t like surprises?” you countered.

Ellie grinned. “I think you’ll like this one.”

When the elevator doors opened, Ellie held her hand out to you as though it were a question. You hesitated for only a moment before placing your hand back in hers and letting her lead you out into open air.

You nearly choked on a gasp.

The bar itself was beautiful - fairy lights stretched above your head, twinkling like stars and casting the rooftop in a warm glow. Wooden tables and plush couches were spread artfully around the space, far enough apart to provide the patrons scattered about with some privacy.

The bar was beautiful - but the view was fucking breathtaking.

The city stretched out beyond the railings, open in a way you had never seen before. The skyline rose around you, each building shining like its own little galaxy amidst a sea of stars. The city lights blocked out the actual stars - a fact that never failed to piss you off - but you could see the crescent of the moon rising over the city, casting a quiet glow like a veil.

You looked back at Ellie, and whatever your face held made her grin. She leaned in just enough so that her murmur was for your ears only: “So, was I right?”

You blinked, momentarily distracted by her proximity - she smelled intoxicating, spicy and warm with a hint of tobacco beneath - before you finally said, “What?”

Ellie snorted, breaking whatever spell she had put you under. “The surprise,” she said, leaning away enough for your head to clear. “Was I right?”

You bit the inside of your cheek, pursing your lips as though you had to think about it. You couldn’t take your eyes away from the skyline stretched before you.

You finally said, “That depends on how good the drinks are.”

When Ellie laughed, her eyes crinkled in the corners, her nose scrunching. It was a full, rich sound, hanging in the air above your head like helium. It made something in your chest tighten, and you wanted nothing more than to hear it again.

She squeezed your hand, a twinkle in her eye, and said, “The old-fashioned's to die for.”

You pursed your lips again to hide your smile.

Ellie didn’t bother checking in with the host, simply shot her a smile and a wave as you walked by - you tried to bite back a giggle when you saw the host’s face turn red, her eyes tracking Ellie as she led you to a table right along the edge of the railing. She pulled the chair out for you - “Such a gentleman,” you laughed - before taking the seat opposite you.

As she waved over a waiter, you took a moment to lean your head over the railing. It was made entirely of glass, giving you a clear view of the city below. You could hear the distant sound of traffic, cars racing below you like shiny beetles, but it was like it was coming from a different world altogether. Everything seemed impossibly, wonderfully small from up here.

You looked up at the sound of your name to find a groomed waiter wearing a fucking waistcoat standing before you. Ellie was looking at you with laughter in her eyes, her lips twitching.

“Shit, sorry,” you said, immediately flinching at your own curse. You suddenly couldn’t remember the proper etiquette in a fancy bar, feeling out of place and underdressed even in your nicest outfit. You looked between Ellie and the waiter, wracking your brain for any kind of drink that wasn’t a trashy cocktail you’d find at a dive bar.

Seeing you floundering, Ellie gave you a reassuring smile and said, “Do you like wine?”

Relief washed over you as you nodded. Turning back to the waiter, Ellie ordered something that you couldn’t even hope to pronounce, charm lifting the corner of her mouth. She spoke to the waiter with the steady ease of familiarity, laughing at some inside joke; you briefly wondered just how often Ellie came to this bar. Surely, a nice place like this - at the very precipice of the world, looking down at the stars - wouldn’t be a regular stop on anyone’s schedule, but Ellie and the staff spoke like old friends.

When the waiter left, tussling Ellie’s hair playfully, she turned back to you and the awkwardness of a first date finally set in. Sure, you had been texting Ellie every day for a week now, but you still hardly knew the girl. You knew she liked mushrooms and hiking. You knew that most of her clothes were from the thrift store even though she could afford any designer brand she wanted. You knew her favorite video game was Dishonored. But nothing you knew was enough for a relationship.

But you weren't exactly looking for love, were you?

After a moment of silence, Ellie cleared her throat, looking out over the city. “It's nice out here.”

You snorted before you could stop yourself, covering your mouth; it didn't cover the laughter in your eyes. You said, “You're really talking to me about the weather?”

Ellie opened her mouth, an indignant sparkle to her eye, before shutting it again. It was like she was malfunctioning, opening and closing her mouth yet no sound came out. She furrowed her brows, looking at you as though you were something new and interesting, before finally chuckling, looking away. “Yeah, I-I guess I am.” When she looked back up at you, her eyes were surprisingly sheepish. “Not making a great first impression, am I?”

You couldn't stop the smile that crept up to your eyes. You leaned closer, propping your chin in your hand, and said, “I think you're doing okay so far.”

Ellie laughed that wondrous laugh again, her nose scrunching up, and the cord in your shoulders loosened.

“Okay,” she sighed, her eyes still alight with residual laughter. “Okay, damn. Tell me about yourself.”

“Well now this just sounds like a job interview.”

Ellie threw her hands up in mock frustration, trying to stifle her own grin. “Okay, fuck, knock me down again! You're obviously an expert, so show me how it's done.”

She leaned back and crossed her arms, looking at you expectantly, and it was the perfect moment for your drinks to arrive. Ellie did, in fact, order an old-fashioned. The waiter set two wine glasses on the table, producing a bottle seemingly from thin air. He held it out, explaining to you in rehearsed prose the year, acidity, and complexity in words that passed straight through you. You nodded along even as you didn't process a single word he said.

When he left, you turned back to Ellie and said, “How did you find this place?”

Ellie took a sip of her drink. The lights of the city danced in the amber glass. “Just an old haunt of mine, I guess.”

You took a sip of the wine, taking the distraction. It was warm on your tongue, tasting of wood and fruit and something spicy just underneath. The wine you usually drank was the stuff you could find in your nearest grocery store, often tasting concerningly like bug spray and bought with whatever tips you had managed to scrape together from work. It was usually shared with a friend on your kitchen floor, the walls and thoughts spinning over your head.

You much preferred wine like this: The taste of warmth and fire on your tongue, the cool air brushing your shoulders at the edge of the sky, and a beautiful person sitting across from you.

When Ellie lowered her glass, you could see amber droplets of whiskey clinging to her lips before her tongue darted out to catch them. You tore your eyes away, but her smile said that she had caught you staring. A chill ran up your spine that you were sure was just from the cold.

Seeing you shiver, Ellie wordless reached behind her where she had tossed her jacket over the back of her chair. Standing, she rounded the table only for a moment, only long enough to place the coat over your shoulders. Her hands lingered there for a second too long before she retreated, sliding back into her seat as though she had never moved.

“So, why are you here?” she finally said.

You pulled the jacket around your shoulders, distracted by the smell of it. The same smell that must be her perfume clung to it, spiced and warm like an open fire, but something else clung to the fabric too. It was strangely metallic, sharp and intoxicating, and you couldn’t quite put your finger on it. It was shockingly warm against your skin.

“I’m here,” you said, raising a brow and ignoring her real question, “because you sent me this address and told me to meet you here at eight wearing my nicest dress.”

The corner of Ellie’s lips quirked, a grin she was trying to hide. She clasped her hands, leaning across the table so you could smell the whiskey on her breath. “And you agreed to meet a stranger at a seedy hotel,” she murmured, mocking your remark from earlier. Her grin revealed itself when your cheeks flushed. “But why are you here - what are you seeking?”

You huffed out a laugh, shaking your head. “That’s kind of a dumb question, don’t you think? It’s pretty obvious why I’m on the app.” You cocked your head, leaning across the table, feeling a strange thrill when her eyes flashed. Your heart fluttered at the proximity, and you couldn’t remember when you had become so easily starstruck. “The real question, Ellie, is why are you?“

Ellie’s eyes darkened, and you weren’t sure if you just imagined her eyes flicking down to your lips. She looked back up at you through her lashes, her voice rough when she said, “That’s a third date kind of question.”

Your eyebrows shot up. “What makes you so sure you’ll get a third date?”

Ellie tilted her head, a slow smile pulling at her lips, and said, “Call it a hunch.”

The waiter came to check on you, appearing at your shoulder like a ghost. You hastily retreated, leaning back in your chair as though the electricity in the air had shocked you, and took a sip of wine that was more than a little overzealous. You tried to choke it down as Ellie waved the waiter away with that heartstopping crooked smile. What happened to you? Since when were you so easily charmed by freckles, green eyes, and smart-ass comments? You couldn't remember the last time you had been so infatuated during a normal date, let alone one with these kinds of strings attached.

“So you don't want to be in an interview,” Ellie said once the waiter was out of earshot. “I guess all my typical getting to know you conversations are out of the question.”

“I didn't say that,” you countered, your throat still burning from your accidental wine waterboarding. “But come on - what girl are you going to impress by asking her questions like ‘Tell me about yourself,’ or ‘Why are you here?’ or ‘Why are you more qualified for this position?’”

“Okay, okay, goddamn,” she said, laughing. Grabbing the wine bottle, she looked at you for permission before pouring you another glass.

You brought the glass up to your lips, taking a sip to hide your smile. The flush in your cheeks was surely from the wine and nothing else. “What about you?”

“What about me?”

“I hardly know you.” On one hand, that felt entirely untrue - but especially after this recent discovery, you really knew nothing about this girl. “Tell me about you.”

Ellie laughed that same rough laugh and your heart jumped. “Oh, so you're allowed to be the interviewer.”

You nodded, twirling the glass between your fingers and looking at her expectantly.

After a moment, Ellie rolled her eyes and ran a hand through her hair, but you could see the humor in her eyes. She downed the last of her old-fashioned and, like a good sport, said, “What do you want to know?”

Turns out, there was a lot to know - more than a simple dating app would tell you. Ellie had an older sister, Sarah, who lived in Dallas. Her dog was named after her childhood best friend. Her jacket wasn't thrifted after all, but had been her dad's. Speaking of which, she used to go hunting with him every season (“I haven't been in years, though,” she said, her eyes distant). On the weekends, she'd go to antique stores to look for art and trinkets to fill her house - her favorite antiques were from the 17th century. She hated horror movies and was a sucker for a good romance.

In return, you caved and answered her pressing questions. You told her about your best friend - Ellie laughed when you told her that your friend had sent you the link to the app in the first place. You told her about your favorite show that you binge-watched whenever you felt like you were spiraling. You did not tell her about your apartment that was probably the size of her closet or the fact that you'd have to watch your budget after taking the Uber tonight, not to mention the extra $30 Uber to get home later. You did tell her about your family, and a strange, unexplained sadness crept into the creases around her mouth. You did tell her about your job, but didn't mention the second one you worked to afford groceries. You told her you were hoping for a real, human connection, yet didn't mention that you couldn’t imagine finding it in a fucking sugar mommy.

All too soon, the wine bottle was empty and your chest was comfortingly warm. The lights strung across the bar danced above your head like fuzzy stars, and Ellie's smile was the brightest amongst them. Her glass was still empty, her wine glass dry, and yet her eyes told you she was intoxicated by something far stronger.

“Sorry,” you said, giggling despite yourself. “I didn't mean to drink it all.”

“Don't worry about it, darling,” she said, her voice silky smooth, reminding you of melted chocolate sliding down your throat. She tilted her glass, letting the remnants of melting ice clink against the side. “I wanted to make sure I could drive home okay.”

The waiter arrived then, pulling the bill from his pocket and handing it to Ellie. You couldn't read the number upside down, not through the haze of the wine, but the number of digits made your stomach clench. Ellie dropped a black card into the folder and handed it back to the waiter.

“How much do you want me to Venmo you?” you asked when she turned back to you. You clenched your hands in the hem of your dress, already calculating the extra shift you'd have to pick up to afford it.

Ellie tilted her head, her brows furrowed. “Nothing,” she said, as though it were obvious.

“That wasn't exactly a cheap bottle, Ellie,” you laughed. “Let me give you something.”

Ellie hummed, propping her chin in her hand and looking at you with those same intense eyes; it sent a dangerous shiver down your spine. “I like when you say my name.”

You blinked at her. “Excuse me.”

“I want to hear it again. That's how you can repay me.”

You rolled your eyes. “Ellie, I-”

“Okay, now we're even,” she interrupted, smiling that crooked grin that you had started to crave. The waiter returned with her card and Ellie produced cash from her pocket, handing it to the waiter directly. He thanked her profusely before making his exit, grinning. When Ellie looked at you again, you were still watching her expectantly, dumbfounded. She finally rolled her eyes. “Seriously, what kind of date would I be if I made you pay?”

“You're not making me, I'm offering.”

“And I'm saying no.” Ellie stood, straightening her shirt; when she tugged at it, the collar fell a bit, exposing sharp collarbones beneath.

Rounding the table, she offered a hand to you, pulling you gently to your feet. You pulled her jacket tighter around yourself, knowing you needed to give it back yet unwilling to part with it just yet.

Taking your arm, Ellie leaned in close enough that your breath caught in your throat and said, “I know why I found you on Seeking, okay? So, if it's alright with you, let me spoil you. Even if that just means one bottle of wine.”

You laughed, but it sounded breathy even to your own ringing ears. “One very expensive bottle of wine.”

Ellie shrugged, a sparkle in her eye. “It's a small price to pay for your company.”

You were silent in the elevator, but you held on to her arm as though afraid to let go. You couldn't figure out why, but something in you urgently wanted nothing more than to be close to her. You couldn't remember the last time you had felt such a pull from somebody.

Back on the street, the lights of the city seemed so much brighter than they had before. Ellie released your arm, turning to face you, and there was a strange pinch between her brows that you couldn't translate.

“Do you want me to call you an Uber, or do you want me to take you home?” she asked, and your brain short-circuited. When you could do nothing but stammer, tripping over your own tongue, Ellie laughed. There was no mockery behind it, only quiet, bright amusement. “I meant I can drive you to your apartment so you don't have to drunkenly sit in an awkward Uber that smells sickeningly sweet and the driver tries to make mind-numbing small talk.”

Your sigh of relief came out more like a laugh.

Ellie tilted her head and stepped closer to you, her hand reaching out to graze your fingers, and that sigh was sucked right back into your lungs. Being so close to her made your head spin. Her breath fanned against your cheeks, smelling of warm whiskey, when she said, “Unless you want to come to my place?”

It had the uncertain tilt of a question, and Ellie wouldn't quite meet your eyes.

“We don't have to do anything,” she continued in a rush. She scratched anxiously at the back of her head, a nervous laugh slipping between her lips. “We can just sit and talk more. Or watch a movie - my dad had this huge collection. I'm not gonna - You know, I'm not going to do anything you don't want.” She finally interrupted herself with a groan, rubbing a hand over her eyes. “Fuck, sorry, I wanted it to sound more suave than this.”

And you would be a fucking idiot to go home with this impossible stranger. You had been taught better - never get into a stranger's car, and for the love of God, never let them take you to a second location. You could let her take you back to your apartment at least - you were admittedly incredibly tipsy and didn't particularly want to endure another ride with an annoyingly talkative Uber driver. You could go home, back to your claustrophobic, quiet apartment, and maybe - maybe - text Ellie about setting up a second date.

You were not stupid enough to go home with somebody on the first date.

Except clearly you were, because you took the hand that was still grazing your fingers and looked up at Ellie - the contours of her face were shockingly etched with insecurity. And your dumb mouth said, of its own volition, “Okay.”

You had expected something flashy, like what a wealthy person would own in a movie - like a penthouse overlooking the city with too-white walls and electric guitars hanging, unused, on the walls. Maybe she had walls completely made of windows so it felt like you were on a pedestal overlooking the world.

You hadn't expected a house that was older than your great-grandparents.

When Ellie pulled into the driveway, you were sure she was just pulling in someplace to turn around, that she had missed her turn somewhere. But she put her stupidly-expensive car into park and killed the engine, shooting you an awkward glance.

“Sorry,” she said, chuckling. “I know it’s not much.”

You could only look at her incredulously, speechless, before looking back up at the house before you. You couldn’t even call it a house really - estate would be more fitting. Maybe mansion. Fuck, her house was the size of your apartment complex. It towered over you, three stories of intricate woodwork, warm brown beams wrapping around the structure like an elaborate skeleton. With beautiful eaves winding around the roof and an entire turret reaching for the moon, it looked like something that had stepped right out of some 1800s southern gothic novel.

Ellie cleared her throat, startling you from a trance. You looked back at her and, for some reason, couldn’t stop yourself from laughing.

”Shit, sorry,” you said, covering your mouth with your hand. “I just - I’ve just never seen anything like it.” When Ellie’s eyes clouded over with uncertainty, you added softly, “It’s beautiful. Besides, Ellie,” you added, laughing again, “‘not much’ doesn’t really suit you.”

Ellie opened and closed her mouth and yet no words came out. She was looking at you again as though you were something interesting - something new and exciting. Nobody had ever looked at you that way before, and the way your heart clenched at the sight was more than a little dangerous.

Ellie finally smiled, huffing out a laugh - your heart was pretty satisfied with how often you were able to make her laugh - and said, “Do you still want to come inside?”

And, surprisingly, you said, “Yeah, I do.”

As Ellie got out, rounding the car to open your door for you, you discreetly checked that the taser was still in your bag. Sure, you had agreed to go home with a practical stranger, but you couldn't be too careful.

The porch steps creaked as she led you to the door - double doors (of course), with stained glass and twisting vines carved into the wood. When Ellie opened them, it felt like you were transported to a different time on an entirely different world.

The grand staircase caught your eye first - how could it not? Warm wooden steps covered in a blood red runner, a white banister winding up, those same vines that seemed to be the house’s signature carved into it. You could see a large, stained-glass window at the landing before it curved to disappear to the second floor. Moonlight splintered through the window in broken relief.

As though in a trance, you wandered further into the house, walking to the fireplace situated right beneath the stairs. The wood stacked neatly inside was cold, untouched by a flame. There was a large mirror set atop the mantle, its gold frame a work of art alone. In the reflection, you could see the flush to your cheeks, and tried to convince yourself it was only from the cold. You still wore Ellie’s jacket, and you pulled it tight around your shoulders, as though it were a shield.

You watched Ellie’s reflection as she walked slowly towards you, a small smile gracing her lips. She came close enough to touch - close enough that you could feel her cool breath against the back of your neck - and yet she didn’t put a hand on you.

“There’s a lot more to see than the foyer,” she murmured, the words brushing your skin. “If you still want.”

And you couldn’t stop your own smile as you turned back to her, your heart skipping at her proximity. “Show me.”

She took your hand, her fingers shockingly cold, and led you into what must have been her living room - sitting room? Despite the fact that the house felt more like a museum - like you would get scolded for touching anything - the room was surprisingly cozy. A large, plush sectional was situated in front of another fireplace- this one also unblemished. Blankets and quilts were thrown over the couch and the accompanying chairs, leaving this time capsule looking strangely welcoming.

“Okay, I have to ask,” you said, turning back to Ellie. She was watching you carefully, gauging your reaction with soft eyes, and you lost your train of thought. You opened your mouth but no sound came out; you weren’t sure if that was more or less embarrassing than the several curses you had said earlier in the night.

Ellie hummed, raising her hand as though she wanted to touch you. She stopped only inches away from your cheek and dropped her hand, saying, “I’m an open book.”

You had to turn away to collect your thoughts, wandering across the room if just to catch your breath. The opposite wall was lined with floor-to-ceiling bookshelves. You ran your fingers along the spines of vintage classics, an array of science books, and comics, enjoying the irony of seeing Savage Starlight in the middle of all this history. You picked up a copy to keep your hands busy.

“How, um,” you started, stumbling over your words, “how did you end up here?”

Ellie hummed again, and you heard her footsteps following you. “Here as in this town, this country, this world? You gotta be a little more specific.”

You sighed, giving in and turning to look at her. She kept a careful distance, standing a few feet away from you with her hands in her pockets. “You know what I mean, smartass.”

Ellie chuckled, but her eyes had grown distant, her smile not quite reaching her eyes. She took a few more steps closer to you, looking at the comic book in your hands. On the app, she hadn’t struck you as the type to get easily bashful, and yet she had proven you wrong a few times already.

“My family lived here,” she finally said, quiet as a secret. You watched her carefully, jumping at the opportunity to stare at her without those intense eyes looking back at you. Her brow furrowed and she pressed her lips together as though she was in pain, her green eyes shining. “It was just… passed down, I guess? It’s kind of always been here ever since I can remember. I’m not entirely sure when it became mine.”

You tucked the comic book back into its spot between The Iliad and The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. You said absently, “How old is this place anyway?”

”It was built in 1816,” she said automatically, as though it were memorized.

“It’s an awfully big house for just one person.” You looked up at her through your lashes as she stepped closer - close enough that you could smell that same metallic warmth that seemed to cling to her.

“It is,” Ellie murmured, smiling. She reached out again, and this time she allowed herself to touch you. Her cold fingers brushed against your cheek before she gently cupped your jaw, tilting your head so you’d look at her properly. Her green eyes were downright intimidating. “But I keep good company.”

You rolled your eyes, yet you couldn’t convince yourself to look away. “Is that what you say to all the girls?”

Ellie hummed, bracing her other hand on the bookshelf behind your head, and murmured, “No, I don’t.” She pressed in closer, her gaze dropping to your mouth, and you felt like your heart was going to leap from your throat. Ellie huffed out a laugh as though she could hear it pounding against your chest. When her thumb brushed your bottom lip, your lips parted on instinct. She didn’t look away, transfixed on the point where her skin touched your mouth, and you almost didn’t hear her when she said, “Can I?”

And you had never been the kind of person to kiss on the first date, but she was looking at you with eyes hooded with want, her breath fanning against your cheeks. When she licked her lips, you couldn’t stop your eyes from following the motion. Her lips glistened, parted and plump, looking so impossibly soft. Somehow, past your haze, you heard yourself say, “Yes.”

Ellie took her time in kissing you. She pressed you back gently, your shoulders pressing into the bookshelf behind you, and touched her nose to yours. She took a deep breath, breathing you in. Her hand was soft against your cheek, tilting your jaw up, and you hardly had to move to finally kiss her.

Ellie tasted just like she smelled - spicy and metallic, the old-fashioned still hanging on her tongue. Despite the cold of her hand on your cheek, her mouth was impossibly warm, her breath slipping between your lips; it was intoxicating in a way that the wine couldn’t compare to. Her mouth moved against yours, soft and slow as a dance.

Your hands reached out as though of their own accord, circling her waist and gripping at the slippery silk of her shirt. She pressed in close, crowding you against the bookshelf; you could feel her chest pressing against you, her hips on yours, the line of her body against yours making your head spin. And when Ellie’s tongue pressed against your lips, a gentle request for access, you felt like you’d faint altogether.

Her tongue slipped between your teeth and you couldn’t stop the breathy sound it pulled from your throat. You could feel that infuriating smile against your lips and suddenly wanted nothing more than to wipe it away. You balled her ridiculously expensive shirt in your hands and pulled her impossibly closer, nipping at her bottom lip, and you wanted to swallow her gasp.

Ellie pulled away, chuckling, but she didn’t go far. She pressed a kiss to your cheek, her lips trailing down to your jaw, and she could probably feel your pulse jump beneath her tongue. You could hear the smile in her voice when she said, “Do you do this often?”

Her teeth grazed the sensitive spot below your ear, and it took you a few moments before you could respond. “Do what?” Despite yourself - despite the way your fingers gripped her shirt, your head swimming and an unexplainable want burning in your veins - you couldn’t help but laugh. “Go on a date with somebody I met on an app for sugar babies and go back to their ridiculously old mansion on the first date and-“

You cut yourself off. You weren’t sure exactly what was happening, and you were afraid that voicing it would break whatever spell you were under - whatever spell made this impossible woman’s touch feel like lightning.

But Ellie only laughed, biting at the spot where your neck met your shoulder. “Yeah, that.”

You shivered against her touch. “No, I’ve never really done this.”

“Guess I’m just lucky.”

Ellie kissed you again, only briefly, before she finally pulled away. She was grinning, her eyes sparkling with those same constellations; her face wasn’t even flushed, making you feel embarrassed about your burning cheeks. You were panting, intoxicated from the night and wine and Ellie. Her absence felt like an ache, your body craving the feeling of her lips, her teeth, her hands. You were close to tugging her back in, your hands still gripping her shirt, but she gently untangled herself from you with a laugh.

“I want to keep going.” She paused, and then emphasized, “I really want to keep going. But you drank an entire bottle of wine, and I’d be kind of a shitty host if I didn’t offer you something to drink at least. Or are you hungry?”

You were hungry, but it was the kind of hunger that food wouldn’t satiate. Still, you let your hands drop back to your sides, feeling your senses return to you now that they weren’t so tuned into Ellie - how she smelled, tasted, felt. When you laughed, it sounded breathy even to your own ears. “Some water would be nice.”

“I can do that,” she said with a smile. “Stay here.” She kissed you again, lingering for a few moments longer than needed, before she turned and disappeared down the hall, leaving you alone in this ridiculously old mansion.

With nothing else to keep yourself entertained, you did a slow lap around the room, eyeing the ironic blend of elegant antiques and silly trinkets that were so obviously Ellie. A cracked ivory trinket box sat on a shelf, intricate flowers engraved into the lid, set right next to a small figurine of an astronaut. Beautiful paintings lined the walls, signatures dating back to 1830 in elaborate script at the bottom, but there were also a few posters littered here and there - bands and video games.

You walked over to the mantle, your fingers grazing over the marble top. The logs inside were untouched, and you briefly wondered if she’d light a fire soon to chase out the chill of autumn. A small jar filled with guitar picks sat at the corner, and you wondered if she really did have an electric guitar collection hidden around here somewhere. Your foot kicked an empty dog bowl, and yet Riley was nowhere to be found. Maybe Ellie took her to daycare when she knew she’d bring a girl home. You nearly laughed at the idea.

Atop the mantle, hidden behind pictures of what must have been friends or family - hiking or traveling or laughing in somebody’s backyard - there was another picture frame. It must have fallen, face down so that the picture inside was covered. You reached out, careful to not disturb any of the other frames, and picked it up. You were just going to fix it, set it up next to the others, but something in the image caught your eye. You plucked it from its home, bringing it closer, holding it up to the light to get a better look. For a long time, you couldn’t figure out what you were looking at. Your heart hammered against your chest, your ears ringing, as though your body had figured it out before your brain did.

It was an old photograph, grainy and sepia, faded and frayed around the edges with age. It was the house, looking just like it did today - the huge windows shining in the sunlight, the intricate eaves and wrap-around porch perfectly polished and new. A family stood on the lawn in front of the house, looking awkward and stiff. Back then, cameras took several minutes to actually capture a photo, so people tended to look a little awkward from trying to hold the same expression for so long. But that’s not what had caught your eye.

It was a small family - a weary looking dad and his two daughters, looking just a few years younger than you.

She looked a little different. Her hair was longer, falling in waves around her shoulders. She was definitely a few years younger, and she wore a sweet, full-length gown instead of a worn leather jacket.

You checked the date in the bottom corner at least five times, but there was no mistaking it. The person in the photo was undeniably Ellie, standing in front of this house in 1816.

tag list: @macaroni676 @ellstronaut @elliewilliamsmiller0 @elliescoolerwife @letsreadsomesins-shallwe @peejayurple @liliflowers-blog @filtered-sunlight @hobbybound

#ellie tlou #ellie williams #ellie williams smut #ellie willams x reader #ellie the last of us #ellie x reader #ellie x fem reader #ellie x you #ellie williams tlou #ellie williams x you #tlou smut #tlou 2 x reader #i hope y'all like this one cause i got a lot of plans for it

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ryuichirou · 3 months ago

Note

how would the TWST boys react if they were chosen by the cat distribution system and a stray cat choose them to be its cat dad?

Today I decided that it’s time to write about something delightful lol I keep smiling every time I remember that we have this ask in our askbox… Thank you for waiting, Anon! I’m sorry it took this long.

Maaaybe I’ll write more hc posts next week… I try to write at least two per week, but there are so many good prompts that I should probably try to do more.

Anyways! Once again my bias is clear because I am a poor soul that loves cats but doesn’t own one, so spoiler alert: all the boys end up loving cats as well lol But I think it’s fair… How does one not like cats? Don’t ask Ciel.

Riddle – his first instinct is to refuse poor cat’s attempts to hang out because his mother never let him own a cat: they claw furniture, they bite, and Riddle has allergies! Or… he thought he did. He didn’t get any reaction from the cat, so maybe that was a lie?? Anyways, he would melt almost immediately because a fluffy creature wanting to be his friend is something that Riddle always wished for. He loves animals and taking care of them, so there is no way he is letting go of that cat! Of course he has to get used to it because a cat would never follow any rules, and sometimes it would get frustrating for Riddle, but… whenever a cat wants to play with him or cuddle with him, Riddle giggles like the happiest kid in the world. No one is allowed to pet his cat without his permission.

Ace – he will brag about it a lot. He’ll take the cat everywhere and always have it either on his lap or on his shoulders. He’ll always talk about just how much the cat purrs for him and him only, and how cool of a person he is because the cat clearly chose him specifically to be his owner. The cat really does like him a lot, but it doesn’t mean that Ace doesn’t get scratched or bitten all the time lol Also, at some point it will become the freshmen’s cat that everyone takes care of a little, and Ace would start to constantly remind everyone that this is in fact HIS cat!

Deuce – aw, he would probably be a little awkward at first. He strikes me as someone who is more of a dog person and doesn’t have much experience with cats… He would be very careful around it, as if he isn’t just afraid to hurt the cat, he doesn’t even want to offend it somehow. Of course he would swear that he’ll take care of the cat and be very responsible about it! But it will take a while for him to take it inside the dorm; he’ll just feed it and hang out with it outside at first… until the weather gets too cold.

Trey – he would have this “why me though?” vibe to his reaction, but he would still be kind of happy. Maybe he shouldn’t have fed it, now it follows him around everywhere… Trey says that this isn’t really his cat, but keeps taking care of it anyway. He never expected to be this delighted to have a cat. He would get much more into it than he expected, to be honest. He’ll probably feed it with home-made treats and give it toys that he made himself…

Cater – OF COURSE he’ll start taking selfies with this cat. OF COURSE. After some time he might even make a separate account for the cat, to see if it would surpass his follower count. Other than that, he would cuddle the cat a lot, talk to it, play with it, dress it up all cutely and meme-y. I think it would be very good for Cater to own a cat… He needs to learn how to take care of it properly though, so some assistance might be necessary lol

Leona – would he even care? Maybe a little bit, but he would act like he doesn’t care at all. He doesn’t even know who the fuck this cat is, it just appeared suddenly and now lives in his room. It can stay or leave, doesn’t make any difference to Leona. In actuality though, on some level he does appreciate the companionship of another cat sleeping next to him or on top of him and grooming his ears. But only when no one sees it or comments on it. He could chat with the cat btw, but he just doesn’t – for the most time they hang out in silence.

Ruggie – another cat to take care of?? And also, another mouth to feed?? Well that can’t be helped, it’s not like he is going to throw the poor thing away. I think he will manage to train it to do all kinds of tricks, like stealing stuff from others’ pockets or sneaking things away for Ruggie… the cat will be his partner in crime lol He would also probably have conversations with it, since it’s easier for him to talk to animals.

Jack – not only a dog-person, but also literally a dog, so he might have a hard time at first understanding that cat’s behavior. He is probably going to act like he isn’t interested at first, but jokes on him, because this only makes the cat more into him. He will literally sit all alone, radiating “don’t talk to me” aura, and the cat would think that this is exactly where it wants to sit – on Jack’s lap. Even though Jack is a tsundere, he is going to warm up eventually… and even while he is in his denial phase, he will take care of the cat by keeping it fed and letting it inside when it’s cold. Speaking of cold, Jack is very warm, so the cat loves him a lot…

Azul – “I don’t have time for this” at first, with all the reasons why having a cat is a bad idea popping up in his head at once. Similarly to Riddle’s mom’s mantra: it ruins furniture, it causes allergies, it sheds, it doesn’t behave… but he would also break very quickly, probably the moment the cat starts rubbing against his leg or purring at him. Azul would probably make quite a drastic 180 degree turn and enter his “a cartoon villain with a cat on his lap that he pets menacingly” phase by the end of his first day with the said cat. It feels good. It feels correct to pet a fluffy purring creature while you’re humiliating someone who is indebted to you. Also, of course he is going to treat the cat like royalty and get it all the best things… and also train it like a dog at the same time.

Floyd – people would think that he isn’t responsible enough to own a pet, but actually a cat would probably be the best pick for him. At first he would get all excited because this little buddy just suddenly decided to hang out with him. Floyd would just suddenly start appearing everywhere with a cat on his shoulder like he is a pirate or something. But then both the cat and Floyd would lose interest in each other, until they meet again and decide that they want to hang out again lol But while Floyd and cat are together, he takes it everywhere, plays with it a lot, races with it, cuddles it, smooches it, throws it in the air and catches it. Some of Floyd’s games aren’t the best for the cat, so Floyd ends up getting scratched and hissed at quite often, but for some reason the cat still adores him enough to let him do anything with it, even hold it upside-down.

Jade – it’s easy to picture him being a cat-lover because of the Sebastian parallels lol I think he would really enjoy owning a cat, and he would make it everyone else’s problem. Just like Floyd, he would walk around with a cat on his shoulders, but he would always mention it: please don’t mind my cat, he just loves me very much. I hope you are not bothered by my cat’s presence, he won’t bother us, I swear. Also, I think because Jade would actually try to properly take care of the cat, he would encounter some unpredictable issues, like a cat refusing to eat certain cat food or eating something it’s not supposed to eat. Jade would have a couple of moments that would make him fuss over it and even though he wouldn’t enjoy it… he likes the unpredictability. Keep chewing on random things, cat! But not too much, please.

Kalim – he would be so happy and excited!! It’s like making a friend, but a new kind of friend, a very fluffy one! Kalim is probably way too cuddly for the cat’s liking, so sometimes he would get confused by it running away from him. He just wants the cat to be happy… he would buy 5 cat towers, 30 toys and a bunch of cool accessories for the cat during the very first day of owning it (then he’ll buy more)! And 10 beds, so the cat could pick whichever it likes most (it sleeps in Kalim’s bed of course)!! And of course he will ask Jamil to learn how to cook delicious meals for the cat. He would try to feed the cat his own food first, but of course would stop once he learns that the cat shouldn’t eat spicy food…

Jamil – another one who would think that he doesn’t have time or energy to take care of another thing at first, but would warm up very quickly. He would tsundere up a bit when Kalim says that he is happy that Jamil has a little fluffy friend now, but after a while he will realise that Kalim is kind of right… a cat is even better than a friend. Hanging out with it doesn’t take as much energy, in fact, Jamil feels very energised after petting it and playing with it. Wow… a cat would do wonders to Jamil’s psyche…! He would both cuddle with it and let it sleep in his bed at night, and play a lot of active games with it whenever he has time for it.

Vil – despite how busy he always is, I think he would accept the cat immediately. The cat clearly chose him – it’s only fair that it’s Vil’s responsibility to take care of it now… I don’t think Vil has a lot of experience with cats, but he would read a lot of books and articles to make sure that the cat lives a good life in his dorm. He wouldn’t be as excessive as Kalim, but… he might have gotten carried away with the stuff that he got for the cat. But all of it is very necessary! The best cat food (he’ll ditch it after a while and start cooking for the cat himself), the best sleeping place, the best toys to make sure that the cat is active and healthy. He will also bathe it, brush its fur every day, trim its nails… Vil’s cat is going to be such a wonderfully groomed cat that knows all kinds of tricks and is very smart and well-behaved… but also Vil’s capricious baby that hates everyone other than him lol

Rook – oh, he wouldn’t consider himself an owner, he would always say that he is a companion to his cat lol He wouldn’t get surprised when the cat suddenly starts to follow him around, but he would act so flattered and honoured! Such a beautiful creature decided to illuminate his life with its presence. Rook is pretty good at talking to animals, so he would have conversations with his cat… While sitting in a tree together lol He would feed it of course, but he would also hunt with it and would prefer for it to catch its own prey. He also doesn’t want to trim its nails or groom it more than necessary, but alas, if it wants to live in Pomefiore with him, it has to follow Vil’s rules~ Rook wouldn’t want to anger the queen with an ill-behaved and dirty cat, right? Maybe he would prefer to keep the cat outside though, to keep it as undomesticated as possible. A weirdo…

Epel – he would be so happy! It’s been a while since he owned a pet, and this is the first time he has a cat. He would pet and cuddle it a lot, even if it’s still dirty… Of course, his first instinct would be to feed it and to bring it to his room. But he would also probably be anxious to bring it to the dorm: what if Vil sees it and takes it away… and even if Vil doesn’t see it, Rook is definitely going to notice the cat smell or something, and he will snitch on him! Anyways, he won’t be able to keep it a secret for a long time, but the cat will do some damage lol Surprisingly, Epel will only get scolded for not being a proper owner, so as long as he does better, the cat can stay. But it probably means that his senpai will start taking care of the cat as well. Epel will be a bit jealous, it’s his cat after all…

Idia – he’d die. He’d be so happy. A cat that doesn’t hate him? A cat that wants to hang out? A cat that FOLLOWS HIM TO HIS ROOM AND STAYS THERE? HIS CAT? Idia would feel like he spent all of his luck points that he had saved up for these 18 years. Or was it good karma? Anyways, Idia now spends all his time building cat towers and automatic feeders and toys and all kinds of gadgets for his cool new cat. At first he wouldn’t be as good at talking to a cat, and it would be very obvious that he is a bit worried when he pets it and doesn’t want to scare it away, but he’ll start cuddling with it pretty quickly. He’s so happy… It doesn’t feel real, it doesn’t feel real at all. Even when he gets used to the cat and stops being so awkward around it, he will still feel such huge wave of happiness every time he sees it, as if every time he sees it is the first time…

Ortho – this is the first time he has a fluffy friend, well, other than Grim of course! And Lucius isn’t very friendly with him either, so this is a pretty new experience! Of course, partially he would be excited because if he owns a cat, it’s Idia’s cat as well, and he knows how much Idia loves cats. But also, this is such a good opportunity to make a proper cat-to-human translator!.. It’s weird with Ortho. He has all the info he needs, and he is very good at some things, but somehow… petting and interacting with a cat is a bit difficult. Why doesn’t kitty want to eat this food? Why did it pee in the wrong place? What’s going on? I think he’ll end up asking Trein for advice a lot, and this will be a good experience for everyone involved. Also, his cat loves him more when his processor gets hot lol he is a walking heater.

Lilia – he would be happy at first and show off and brag because now he isn’t just cute, he’s double cute! With a cute cat on his head/shoulders! But at the same time, I don’t know if he is the best person to have a cat. I feel like he is one of those who try to feed it with milk, but also knowing Lilia, he literally makes those he cares for drink milk from a mug. Maybe he’d act differently with a cat, but it surely will be an adventure for this poor animal lol He plays with it similarly to how Floyd plays with his cat, and just like with Floyd, somehow it makes the cat very attached to him. Sometimes Lilia cuddles it and kisses it a lot, but a lot of times it’s the cat that gets clingy with Lilia and wants to sleep with its head on his shoulder. Acting like a baby, smh…

Silver – aw, he would be so good. Similarly to Rook, he would consider a cat to be a companion, but he would also try to be very responsible with his he takes care of it. He would take it to Diasomnia and let it sleep in his bed, wouldn’t do much grooming or brushing, but he would do his best in terms of playing with it and feeding it well, I think. Especially the latter lol But the majority of time the cat would just cuddle up and sleep with him whenever he’s dozing off.

Sebek – he has better things to do than to indulge in these games!! He says as he brings the cat home with a bunch of books with all the necessary information on how to take care of a cat!! Did he also fall victim of cute paws and purring? Maybe! But it won’t affect his performance as Malleus’ guard in a slightest! I think he will try to train the cat, and he might even succeed to some degree, but his cat won’t be as well-trained as Vil’s or Azul’s. Maybe the cat just doesn’t take him seriously and just wants to make biscuits on his stomach while sleeping on his lap… Sebek would seethe, but won’t move until the cat leaves :(

Malleus – the cat isn’t afraid of him? Oh he would be so delighted. He was very happy about the goat in the Glorious Masquerade event, and I think his reaction would be similar here: first amusement, a little surprise, but then he would get so tickled and excited for this new companionship. The cat would be allowed to seemingly disrespect Malleus by positioning itself on his horns, leaving fur on his garment, playing with his hair, and Malleus would laugh… until the cat scratches him. Then Malleus would start sulking. But he’ll get over it, he’s not a baby.

#replies #headcanons

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runningfrom2am · 2 months ago

Text

moon river // part one

summary: people in lincoln county are dropping dead alongside their livestock, the wells are running dry and children are prompted from their beds to wander unconsciously in the night. billy has been hired as a last resort by the lawmen as a bounty hunter, charged with the task of hunting and killing the witch responsible in exchange for a reward and the clearing of his name. how could he turn that down?

pairing: william h. bonney x fem!reader

wc: 7.6k

masterlists / nav / requests

tags/warnings: witch!reader x bounty hunter!billy, warning for like,,, witchcraft and stuff i suppose?? mentions of death, minor amounts of gore and animal mutilation. devil worship and other supernatural/biblical tea. also angst. probably.

a/n: impulsive new series dw ab it. i'm thinking this'll be only a few parts but based on how long part one is, i don't think that means much lol. buckle in.

my asks are also open to talk about this series! (i do have emoji anons open now too!)

send me any and all of your thoughts! here!

series masterlist // pinterest board // playlist

The reward had been posted for weeks, and any man who dared to set foot in the woods on the hunt for the witch who had been cursing local crops and killing livestock didn't return at all. Billy was confident, though. He could draw and shoot quicker than anyone, and he had not only been offered the reward, but also the clearing of his name and a clean slate- and damn if that wasn't an impossible offer to turn down. Even if the sheriff was pretty damn desperate in order to seek Billy out unarmed to beg him to go after this witch.

Rifle in hand, he walked for hours hunting for a girl he'd only heard rumours of. Of her pretty hair that fell in enchanting waves and her bright, sparkling eyes that were deceptive in a way that could suck a man in and kill him with nothing more than a quick flick of her wrist. But he'd met plenty of girls like that before. He also heard she was horrid, scary and old and plucked straight from everyone's mother's horror stories passed onto them as children to keep them in their beds at night. In truth, he had no clue what he was walking into.

The forest was quiet today, eerily so, without even the chirping of birds or the wind in the trees to keep him company on the foot journey. Nothing. He wasn't welcome here and something deep inside of him knew it. Walking into a clearing, he gets only the mildest relief as the wind brushes the long grass against his boots and the woods isn't suffocating him any longer. Until the breath is vacuumed straight out of his lungs when he sees the first sign of life in miles.

This girl must be his age, of all the things he heard he didn't truly expect that. It was hard to tell as she was crouched over one of many graves in the open clearing, the sun making her hair glow like it had hand picked that surface to reflect off of. She can't be the witch everyones afraid of. He can even hear her now, the subtle humming of a tune coming from her lips as she laid out flowers from a basket below the shoddy cross. This was just a girl taking care of a forgotten grave, that was all. Despite his better judgement, he wants to believe that.

"Hello?" He calls, tilting his head slightly as he takes a hesitant step closer across the clearing.

You already knew he was there, of course. You could feel the shift in the air when he entered the space a minute or so prior. You turn your head, standing up straight again and brushing off the front of your dress.

"Hello, there." You reply, offering him a small smile as you pick up the basket from your feet. Admittedly, he was the youngest (and handsomest) of the men you assume had come to kill you, but you're surprised the woods had even let him get this close. The forest can see something in him you could not, clearly. Who are you to deny its very will?

The power in your skin thrums like a second heartbeat in your fingertips and against your ribcage, and you bring a hand up to grasp at the crystal hanging around your neck.

He notices the way your hand tightens around the necklace in your fingers almost anxiously, and it makes his own hand subconsciously itch to raise his rifle as he takes another step closer towards you. He swallows, trying his damndest to not show even a flicker of fear behind his eyes. There is none. She's just a girl, he has to convince himself, but you can see it. Feel it in the air around him even as he stands perfectly steady and strong in front of you.

"Who are you?"

A pretty girl, alone in a forest that no-one else dares tread into. It's a curious sight, and it only serves to make him more on edge. No one in their right mind would be in this forest of their own will.

You tilt your head slightly, watching him as he steps closer but making no attempt to move away yourself.

You answer with your name, soft and sweet as honey as you twist the chain around your neck slightly, eyes locked now on the gun in his hands.

"You're..." You pause for a moment to think, taking a deep breath and closing your eyes. "Billy. That's your name, right?"

His hand tightens on his rifle. The feeling of being somewhere he was never supposed to have entered made beads of sweat roll down the back of his neck as he felt the air thicken all around them. "How do you know that?"

You hesitate on how to answer. You can't very well tell him that you felt it, that you just knew. That you just knew he was here to kill you. You are far from the most social of girls, but you had to save face.

"You look like a Billy." You smile softly. "And it's a common enough name, is it not? A safe guess."

His eyes narrow slightly as his grip on the rifle relaxes. You were hiding something, that much was blatantly clear just from looking at your face, but still, he couldn't imagine someone like you to be the reason the townsfolk kept their doors locked and children well away come sundown.

"I suppose." He finally says, a hand coming up from his rifle to pull his low brimmed hat off his head- a small show of reluctant respect. Though, he still keeps his distance.

Your smile relaxes a little bit just as the subtle sounds of birds chirping and the wind through the leaves surrounds you again in background noise. "It suits you." You tell him, grabbing the basket handle with both hands now.

A hint of surprise flickers across his face at the odd compliment, but it fades just as quickly as it appeared. He lets out a hum of acknowledgement, watching you carefully. If he was being honest, he didn't want to believe that the woman in front of him was a witch. You are far more delicate than that.

"What are you doing out here anyway?"

"Oh, well, I was passing through and saw all these graves. I couldn't help but feel they were lacking some flowers." You explain, lying easily and glancing down at the ones you had already spent time laying lavenders over, five or six of them still looking fresh, without as much grass regrowing over the dirt just yet. "Lavender helps with sleep, you know. It ensures a peaceful rest."

He takes a moment to look at the surrounding graves, his stomach twisting at the sight of how many there were. Ten, at least. He'd seen graveyards before, many times, but something about the lack of proper head stones and the makeshift crosses that were just wooden sticks shoved in the dirt made this feel so much darker.

He frowns as he turns his eyes back to you. "Aren't you afraid of what people say about this place? That it's cursed or something."

"Cursed?" You ask, brow furrowing slightly as you look back at him with a slightly confused smile. "It isn't cursed. It's just a forest."

You knew as much as he seemed to that what you were saying wasn't true, but "cursed" was definitely not the right word to describe it. Though, if the townspeople were saying it was cursed, well, it made more sense as to why people came in here intent on killing you more and more recently.

He can't help but notice the way your smile tightens ever so slightly at the comment, like it was forced to remain on your lips in an attempt to keep up appearances when in reality you wanted to do anything but. You were nervous.

"It don't take a genius to figure out that no one goes in these woods alone for no good reason. A lot of people get lost in here. A lot of people don't come back." He can't help but look back at the headstones of people who most likely went missing, forever lost to the forest. To you. "And I ain't ever seen you in Lincoln."

The two of you stand in the clearing for another moment, neither of you speaking. Neither of you moving as the world around the two of you seems to hold its breath. He feels himself wanting to reach out and touch you, like he was in a trance of sorts. He wants to know what you're hiding, he wants to know who you are. A large part of him already knows, subconsciously wishing it wasn't true.

He tears his eyes away, shaking his head. He wasn't here to make friends, he was here for the reward- not to start sympathizing.

"Oh," You reply quietly, unsure what to say as you force yourself to keep your eyes on him instead of looking over at the fresh graves. "I... I am sorry to hear that."

He studies you for a moment, trying to decipher your carefully worded reply. He can't tell if you actually feel sorry for those who came here and never made it out alive, or if you're just trying to cover up the fact that you may be connected to it.

"It's a shame, really. A lot of good men have gone missing out here, never to be seen again."

He looks like he's about to ask another question before he notices the way your knuckles start to turn white from gripping the basket so hard.

"Your hands are shaking." The observation is formed more like a question, an accusing tone you pick up on easily.

You look down at your hands, eyes widening a bit before you tuck them behind your back with the basket. "Oh, uh... sorry. I can't control it sometimes." You admit sheepishly.

He watches the way you try and hide your hands out of view, and it only serves to make him more suspicious of you. Why would the thought of him seeing your hands shaking make you so anxious?

He doesn't call you out on it, though. "What do you mean can't control it sometimes? Are you nervous?"

"I-I just... I haven't eaten yet today. And it runs in my family, you know. Shaky hands." You explain, trying not to sound as nervous as you are.

"You're lying." He accuses, watching your reaction carefully.

As he speaks the previous chirping of the birds and the wind in the trees and in the grass halts in an instant, like the forest itself was tensing with you. You knew what that meant. Your gaze flickers from his face down to the gun in his hands and back quickly as you take a small step back. "I- I'm not, honestly." You reply with a slightly nervous laugh, trying to lighten the atmosphere again and delay the inevitable. Either he wasn't going to hurt you, or he was the one meant to hurt you. It was a mystery of the universe you were less than eager to discover the outcome of.

His eyes flick over to the surrounding trees as the forest goes quiet, as if it was listening- waiting. He grips the rifle a little tighter when you take a step back, his shoulders tensing slightly.

"You're a very bad liar." He responds, his eyes back on you again. The change in your behaviour doesn't go unnoticed by him, as he slowly starts to lift his rifle to an almost aiming position.

"Don't-" You urge him quickly, your eyes going wide again with more urgency as you hold a hand up to try and stop him. In the same moment he starts to lift his gun, the clouds seem to cover the sun and the beautiful beams of light entering the clearly through the trees is all but gone to gray.

His eyes flick up to the sky as the forest is cast into darkness. He isn't an idiot, he doesn't believe that clouds could move across the sky that quickly- only one other thing could make a place this dark this fast.

"...You did that." He points out with an accusatory tone, his eyes back on you as he adjusts the rifle, aiming the barrel straight at you.

You drop the basket, raising your hands as the still air picks up a somewhat electric buzz to it, the sky darkening further. You didn't know what the forest had done to the other men, but you suspected you were about to find out.

"I-I didn't, I haven't done anything. I swear." You promise him, voice shaking a bit.

He holds the gun steadily as he watches you closely, the way your eyes dart around the clearing as if searching for a way out, the way the air is now thick with something that he can't put his finger on. It's something that makes the hairs on the back of his neck stand straight up, it's something that feels dangerous. He's always been attuned to it.

"Don't bullshit me." He says, cocking the rifle with a click. His eyes watch you like a hawk, the barrel of the gun now pointed directly between your bright, enchanting irises.

"I know why you're here." You stammer out quickly, slowly moving your hands out to your sides toward the trees on either side of you as the leaves start to rustle more urgently in the wind. "I mean... I don't know why but I know you're here to kill me, right?"

He tenses slightly as you begin to move your hands toward the trees, his finger hovering dangerously close to the trigger of his rifle. "You have the townsfolk scared shitless. They put a damn price on your head, and word spreads fast." He tilts his head, continuing to watch you intently as the air becomes more and more electric.

"What?" You ask, to him looking genuinely confused as you watch his finger graze over the trigger. "I-I've never even been into town. I've never done anything to them."

The wind picks up then, blowing wickedly through your hair and ruffling the skirts of your dress.

His body tenses at the feeling of the wind blowing so fiercely, the trees beginning to sway with the force of it. The air is thick, almost electric in a way that can't possibly be natural, and he's beginning to realize just what he's gotten himself into.

"You expect me to believe you?" He responds, the barrel of the gun still aimed at your head. He doesn't know why he hasn't fired already, he knows he's staring down the sights of his hunting rifle directly at the witch he was meant to kill. Who has killed six of Lincoln's bravest men and is currently standing over their graves.

When he moves the gun you wince, and the sound of the trees shifting becomes almost more intentional now as you hold your hands up higher at either side of your body. "I-I'll explain... Just... just put down the gun. Please."

"Why should I do that?" He asks, keeping his aim on you despite the trees that now seem so alive all around you- like they were whispering.

"You just have to trust me!" You call out, now that the wind was getting louder and louder, the sky darker as the trees closed in on the two of you, more specifically, the branches reaching for him.

He clocks it quickly; the branches slowly creeping down, the leaves reaching out towards him. It was like they were going to reach out and grab him at any moment, and the idea is making the hair on his arms stand straight up. It wasn't real, he knew better than that.

"How... how are you doing this?" He asks, his eyes flicking back to you, his rifle still raised.

"I'm not!" You shout, hands pushed out on either side of you as you squint against the wind, expression tense as the air pushes in on you from every direction. "I'm trying to stop it, just drop the gun!"

His eyes dart between you and the trees, noticing the way the branches are slowly inching towards him, and how you seem to almost be trying to push them back, your entire body tensing with some unknown effort.

"And if I drop the gun and you try something, huh?" He yells back, his finger still resting against the cool metal of the lightened trigger.

"You'll end up dead either way!" You shout, squeezing your eyes shut now as a couple small roots start to slowly coil around his ankles. "I don't want to bury you! Just drop it!"

He glances down at the roots slowly making their way up his lower legs, and his eyebrows furrow as he tries to comprehend how in the hell something like this is even possible. Finally, he grunts, clicking the safety back on his rifle and dropping it to the dirt. As soon as the weapon is out of his hands, the atmosphere in the clearing changes.

Even with your eyes shut, you can feel the pressure get taken off of you as soon as he drops the gun.

You drop your hands back down to your sides, winded from the exertion of keeping him alive. It seemed to have moved quick, the forest in its efforts to eliminate the threat, but you have to imagine it was much slower than it was when it set its sights on the other men who set foot in here to kill you.

"Are you okay?" You ask, gasping to catch your breath as the roots remain wrapped loosely around his ankles, incase it needed to grab him again quickly. Though, the skies had mostly cleared and the wind had stopped now.

He stands frozen in place for a moment, his breath heavy in his lungs as adrenaline courses through his veins and his heart hammers violently in his chest. "I.... I'm fine I think..." He responds, looking down at the roots still clinging to his ankles. He's at a loss as to how the hell something like that can even happen, even more so how you could make that happen.

He tries to get his legs free from the roots, but they cling to him stubbornly, even when he pulls with his full weight. He huffs in frustration, dropping himself to sit down on the ground. "Are you gonna get those things to let go of me? I dropped the damn gun."

They tighten a bit as he talks to you like that and you watch as more vines slither across the ground and wrap around his rifle, dragging it away while also doing the same with the revolver on his hip.

"I... I can't." You admit quietly, wringing your hands nervously in front of you. "I told you, I'm not doin' it."

His eyes widen as the roots from the ground pull his revolver off of him, and the vines drag his rifle towards some far off tree line. He realizes promptly he's being toyed with- like a mouse to an un-hungry cat.

"The hell do you mean you can't?" He asks frustratedly, his eyes locked on you as you fidget in place. His heart is still pumping faster than it has in years. "Do it!"

"I-I, well-"

You start, ready to try and explain but you don't get very far before he's quickly hoisted up off the ground by his feet, being hung upside down as bullets and coins rain from of his pockets. He curses loudly over your yelp of surprise as the forest tosses him up into the air, leaving him to hang by his ankles nearly twenty feet above the ground. He can feel the blood quickly rushing to his head, leaving him dizzy as the items in his pockets come tumbling out. As he tries to reach for something, he loses his balance and starts to swing back and forth like a pendulum.

You wince in sympathy as you hesitantly reach out toward him before pulling your hand back quickly. "Sorry, sorry..." You say through clenched teeth, a guilty expression on your face.

"Could you... please... get me down?" He asks in a strained voice, trying his hardest to keep what was left in his stomach where it was.

You frown, taking a small, hesitant step closer. "I... I told you, I'm not doin' it." You repeat, glancing down at the small objects that fell from his pockets.

"Do you... always carry that many bullets?"

This is the first time in a forever that he's felt so defenseless, hanging from his feet in some clearly, definitely cursed forest. Still, he tries to ignore the humiliation he feels at being in this position, trying to keep his cool while also trying to keep in his breakfast.

"I like to be prepared." He responds tightly, his eyes staring at the ground as he continues to swing back and forth slowly above you.

"For what..?" You ask, knowing that now probably isn't the time, but you truly are curious. And it's not like he could hurt you at the moment.

He pauses for a second, thinking it over before shrugging awkwardly in his hung up position. "You never know when danger might come knocking." He explains, his eyes continuing to be locked on the grass below him. This was a damn embarrassing position to be in with an audience, especially a pretty one.

"Yeah I... I guess so..." You agree, unsure what to do as the vines circle him further, searching inside his clothes for more weapons, no doubt.

He lets the forest strip him of his weapons in silence, his pride already bruised for the day anyway. He only lets out a small grunt as a particularly sharp branch pokes him in the stomach, searching for anything else that might be hidden.

"If I ask you something, these things aren't gonna try and strangle me or anything, right?" He calls down, gritting his teeth as his blood continues to rush to his head.

You can't help but giggle a little as you look up at him, his arms dangling below his head and his shirt starting to fall a little bit as well.

"I don't think so." You say, tilting your head slightly and squinting against the sun as it comes back with your quiet laughter, surrounding you in more warmth and lighter air.

He watches you as you laugh, watching the way your eyes crinkle and the way your smile spreads across your face. He's starting to realize that he's pretty unfortunately attracted to you, especially with the way the sunlight hits you the way it always seems to. Taunting him, tempting him- you were a gift from the trees he doesn't think he would do very well to try and pluck away from the stem.

He takes a breath, swallowing hard and lifting his hands to try and swat away the vine digging into the waistband of his trousers to get at the dagger he had there. "Why aren't you scared of me?"

You giggle again, lowering your hand as some of the tree branches grow up and out in the perfect spot to shield only your eyes from the sun.

"No offense, but you're not exactly very fear-inducing at the moment." You reply, watching in slight amusement as he dangles from the roots, spinning slowly without an ounce of control over it.

He watches you shield your eyes with the branches, finding himself a little surprised at how the forest seems to bend to your will. Despite that, a small smile appears on his face, his arms crossing in front of his chest. "What're you talking about? I'm terrifying."

You let out another laugh as he tried to cross his arms over his chest, and then the birds are singing again. The roots start to lower him just a little bit at his lighthearted joke and the way it made me smile, and he finally stopped resisting.

"Yeah, I'm quakin' in my boots."

He rolls his eyes as he lets the plants lower him down, still trying not to look completely humiliated. "Very funny, smartass. Mind telling them to lower me the rest of the way?"

The roots quickly jerk him back up again at the comment and your smile drops as you wince again. His lips form into a tight line when the roots yank him back up again, his head spinning as all his blood shoots straight back to his brain. "I can't tell them what to do, unfortunately." You remind him, head still tilted back at a mildly uncomfortable angle to look up at him.

"They seemed to listen to you just a minute ago to give you some shade." He mutters, feeling like an idiot just hanging there.

"I didn't ask for them to do that." You reply, another small smile tugging at your lips that seems to bring the sun back just a bit.

He watches as your lips pull into a smile again, noticing the way the sun seems to come back just a little every time it does. He's starting to get it, even if he was far from a comprehensive or even realistic understanding.

"Oh, so this stuff is just what- a coincidence now?" He asks, gesturing to a nearby tree that had pushed its branches out to act as your own personal umbrella.

You look up at the branches over your head before back at him. "Okay, well, I never said that." You chuckle, standing on your toes and reaching up to one of the leaves, letting a ladybug crawl onto your fingers.

He watches you stand on your toes and reach up, nymph-like in the most graceful of ways- a sight if he's ever seen one. He can't help but notice how the sun seems to break through the trees a little more now, lighting your face and hair up in a way that's almost angelic. He can feel his mouth starting to go dry as he watched you play with the ladybug. "So... you talk to bugs too?"

"What? No." You giggle, letting the bug crawl up your arm and into your hair. They did really seem to like your hair, something you had always picked up on. You didn't like it much, but they never stayed for long. Just explored for a few moments before continuing on their merry way. "It's... it's more complicated than that. More like a feeling. Not with bugs," You explain quickly. "Just like... the space, if that makes sense."

He lets his eyes linger on the small red bug that was currently making a home in your hair, trying to distract himself from the way a few strands of it seemed to fall against the exposed skin of your collarbone.

"I'll be honest... not really." He responds, a small smile on his face, "I'm not much acquainted with stuff like that."

When you look up at him again, smile widening a bit when you see he's smiling too, the roots start to lower him another foot or so again. "That's alright. I don't really get it either." You shrug softly.

He lets out a small huff of laughter as he's lowered down again, finally feeling like he's starting to get used to hanging upside down. "Well, I guess we're two peas in a pod then, huh?" The sun breaks through the trees even further, casting a golden glow on both of you and the plants surrounding you.

You grin up at him and his flushed red face as you step out of the little umbrella and pick up his hat from the ground, dusting it off before starting to gather all his things and setting them inside like it was a bucket.

"So... what did you say was happening in the town? Livestock are dyin'? People gettin' sick?"

He watches you dust off his hat and collect his belongings as you speak, trying to ignore the flutter in his chest that he felt when he saw you handling his stuff like it was the most casual thing in the world.

"Yeah..." He responds, his voice sounding a little distracted, "No one's been able to figure out why for months now. They tried blaming it on all sorts of things, but nothing's worked so far... that's why I'm here."

"They think it's me." You comment, nodding slightly, picking up the last of his things before standing up again, looking up at him.

He watches you brush down your dress, his eyes lingering longer than they should on the gentle curve of your waist and how your seemingly soft hand smoothed over the surface. With the sun lighting you up like you were an angel sent from heaven itself? Maybe you were just as dangerous as they said. "Well... are you?"

Your brow furrows slightly and you shake your head, a small frown pulling at your lips. "No... I... Like I said I've never even been to the town. Okay, well, maybe once or twice, but I just like to go to the farmer's market every once in a while. I'd never want to hurt anyone."

He watches you look down sadly, noticing how your expression shifts to the sad one he saw when you were tending the graves not too long ago. He feels a pang of guilt in his chest, realizing his comment had been a little thoughtless.

"Hey, I didn't mean..." He starts, pausing for a moment as the vines slowly let him down even lower, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have assumed."

"It's not your fault." You reply, watching him get lowered a little bit further. "If everyone believes it, I wouldn't expect you not to."

He's finally almost on the ground now, hanging just about eye level with you. At this point, looking at you from the upside down view makes his head spin a little.

"Yeah, well... I guess I still shouldn't have jumped to conclusions." He responds, watching as a soft breeze blows in through the clearing, messing your hair up for a moment and filling the air with the scent of wildflowers.

Your smile grows a bit at that. "Well, thank you. I appreciate that."

Then the roots are suddenly turning him upright again before he has the chance to even consider what to say, lowering him quickly to the grass and thrusting him forward into you. "Whoa..!" He stumbles forward, suddenly upright again, only to be flung forward at full speed straight into you. He grabs your arms by instinct, trying to keep from knocking you both backwards but failing as both of you land on a soft area of moss. The two of you fall back onto the ground, him landing on top of you with a soft thud. He can feel his heart racing in his chest as he looks down at you below him.

You're shocked at first, getting your bearings quickly though as you look up at him and into his blue eyes. It feels like you're looking straight through him at the beautiful and now clear sky above you, and you can't help but giggle when you've realized what happened. Clearly, the forest didn't see him as a threat to you anymore; stripped bare of his weapons and armed only with an apology for making assumptions.

His heart skips a beat the moment you start to laugh, the sound like music to his ears. He'd never heard a prettier sound than that. His heart hammers against his chest as he looks down at your face, the sunlight streaming through the tree tops to perfectly light up your face, giving you a golden glow. He can feel his mouth going dry again, just like it did earlier. He had never found someone so beautiful before, and for a moment, he's scared he's fallen victim to your rumoured enchantments.

He realizes after a moment how long he's been staring, and how close the two of you are. His face was so close he could see the individual lashes framing your eyes, the freckles spread across your skin, the light flush across your cheeks. His eyes fall to your lips, realizing how soft they looked... and how he badly he would like to taste them... Oh, he must be enchanted somehow.

"Are you quite alright?" You giggle, shifting a little bit, unwilling to outright ask him to get off. "I didn't expect them to throw you like that."

The giggling helps snap him out of it, and he suddenly realizes just how embarrassing the situation looks, and how strange it is that the forest would even do that to begin with. He scrambles to get off of you, sitting beside you on the ground.

"Yeah.. yeah... I'm fine...." He responds sheepishly, a flush on his own face as a few stray pieces of moss stick onto his clothes.

His face was still burning, and he couldn't get the sight of you laughing out of his head. The way your eyes had sparkled, how your hair had been splayed out around you against the grass... he shakes his head, trying to dispel the thoughts. He didn't have time to be getting all distracted like this. He glances over to you, noticing how your hair was still messy from the fall, a few blades of grass sticking out of it as a few flowers from the surrounding area are caught in the strands too.

You close your eyes, letting out a soft sigh as he moves off of you, smiling a little to yourself as you feel the sun on your skin. Just for that, it seems to burn a little brighter.

After a few moments you push yourself up so you're sitting as well, your gaze finding him again. "You must really believe me."

He tilts his head slightly, watching you push yourself into a sitting position beside him, your back against the tree and the sun still shining through the branches onto your face. He can feel his heart skip a beat as he stares.

"How do you figure that?" He blinks, trying to snap out of it and trying not to think too hard about how he was starting to feel towards you so quickly.

You nod over to the roots and vines retreating slowly back into the tree line. "They wouldn't have let you down otherwise."

He glances back over to the trees, watching the roots and the vines disappear back into the underbrush. He'd almost forgotten they were there, so distracted by you. A frown tugged at his lips, he should never be this distracted.

"I guess you're right..." He responds.

"You were the first to even get that close." You admit quietly, a thoughtful expression on your face as you glance over at the makeshift crosses and mounds of dirt a few feet away.

He lets out a soft breath of disbelief, his eyes flickering back and forth between you and the little burial site, a wave of guilt washing over him as he realizes just how rude he'd been when he first got there. You had been taking care of something really important to you and he had just thrown accusations at you without even knowing you. And for some reason the forest had even allowed him to get that close... there must be a good reason.

Even in these past few minutes of speaking to you, he'd been able to tell that you weren't dangerous, and hell- you were honestly one of the nicest people he'd ever met, and by far the prettiest. Not that that mattered.

He finally looks away from the crosses and focuses back on your face, noticing the grass and the flowers, and he can't help but think that they look kind of cute on you.

"Who are those for? ...If you don't mind me asking."

"The men who came before you, I assume." You tell him, looking down and picking at the grass. "You mentioned that people were hunting me, and no one came back. And I was wondering why bodies kept turning up here..."

A lump lodges in his throat as you confirm what he already knew deep down inside. He swallows hard, trying not to let the realization that he could've been just as dead as them show on his face, but by the look on yours, he knows you can tell what he's thinking anyway.

"You... didn't kill them?" He asks, trying to sound strong, but not quite keeping the trepidation out of his voice.

Your eyes snap up to his and you quickly shake your head. "No! No, I-" You defend quickly, sitting up a bit straighter and pushing yourself back a bit. "I... Like I said, they just turned up here. I come out here often to check on the older ones and lay flowers, I started coming back and there would just be someone laying there dead. I didn't... I just buried them."

His face softens slightly as he sees the panicked expression on your face, how defensive you were at the accusation, how you quickly scooted away from him as if you would run if you had to. He knew you were telling the truth. He curses himself for letting his imagination create the image of you again, standing over a corpse with your hands covered in blood- that thought alone made him somewhat nauseous.

He lets out a slow, shaky breath, his eyes glued to the little crosses. He could've been there too, no better than carrion for the animals. Of course they were the men who came before him, and he's sure the forest was much less forgiving than just hanging them by their boots and taking their guns.

"Why do you come back here every day?" He finds himself asking.

"I... uh... I don't live far." You explain, glancing back over your shoulder. "And... um... my parents are here. And my brother." You add quietly, fiddling with the crystal around your neck as you look briefly over at some much older graves at the edge of the clearing.

His eyes follow your gaze over to where a group of older, smaller crosses laid on the other side of the clearing, and the realization finally set in that you were here every day to tend the graves of your family.

"You're an orphan...." He says it like a statement instead of a question, not realizing he'd said it out loud until a moment later.

You nod softly in response, leaning back on one of your palms.

"You are too." You reply, tone gentle in the observation.

He freezes, his eyes going wide as you call him out so delicately. The way you say it, it was almost like you had looked inside and had seen him for exactly what he was.

"How'd you know?"

"I can feel it." You tell him, knowing how vague it sounded- but you didn't have any better understanding of it than he did.

He blinks, looking down at the ground as he processes that. An uncomfortable feeling settled in his stomach, knowing that somehow, you'd seen straight through every front he put up in seconds."What do you mean by that?"

You shrug slightly. "Exactly what I said. I can just... feel it. Like you can see or hear things, you know? I just... know. It's hard to explain."

He was silent for a few moments as he nodded slowly, still watching the way your fingers fidgeted with the necklace around your neck. He knew something was up with you, with how the forest seemed to welcome him when it made everyone else run. But he was starting to get the feeling he was only just scratching the surface.

He took a moment, looking up again at the simple crosses and mounds of dirt littered around the clearing, the thought that you'd had to bury your family by yourself and continue tending to their graves for who knows how long was making his heart ache in a way he didn't know was so familiar to him until he was faced with it.

"I'm sorry." He finally speaks after a few stiff moments, his voice sounding a bit softer and more tentative than before. "How old were you?"

"Fourteen." You answer quietly, looking over at him again and offering him a weak smile.

A lump forms in his throat as he takes in your answer. You'd taken care of them at only fourteen years old. The realization settled heavily in his stomach like a rock, how impossibly unfair the world was, to be dealing hands just like his out to others. To sweet girls with soft skin and perfect smiles. "Jesus ...." He mutters quietly, rubbing his hands over his tired eyes.

Picturing you as a reflection of himself, nothing more than a child, all alone in the dark forest trying her best to dig a hole for all her loved ones overturning into a vision of the last he had seen of his family. Year after hurtful year, standing over graves and tossing in handfuls of dirt to send them on their way. It made bile rise in his throat.

He looks over at you silently, and his heart aches again. He knows what it feels like to be all alone. You, in the cold, dark woods for so long with no one to look to and him, in the cold and bright lights of being hunted for his actions. You, sitting next to him on the soft forest floor, were his only chance at leaving that behind. Of looking to the future, burying you and the harm you supposedly caused behind him with his wanted posters left to blow inconsequentially in the wind. He wonders how long it had been since you had seen another face other than his in this little graveyard, and he realizes he couldn't stomach carrying your corpse back into town. If the trees would even let him take your body so far without leaving your cold skin covered in the claw marks of it's efforts to keep you here with it, nestled in the safety of its tree cover.

"No one should have to live like this... all alone." He says quietly, the words leaving his mouth before he even realizes it.

You pull at the grass in front of you mindlessly as you shrug. "I'm not alone. Not really." You say quietly.

You look over at him again, studying him for a few moments. "You're a lot more lonely than I am, I think."

He pauses at that, his heart panging in his chest again at the truthfulness of your statement. He knew you were right, he was lonely. No family, no friends. Hell- before today, he's pretty sure no one's ever looked at him the way you are now. With something like kindness. He lets out a rough sigh as he rubs the back of his neck.

"Guess we've got that in common, then."

"I guess so." You agree quietly, giving him a small, slightly sad smile.

You lean over and pick up his hat from the ground next to where you'd both fallen, checking inside that it still held all his pocket change and bullets before holding it out to him.

He stares at the hat in your hands for a moment before looking back up at you, studying the way you sat beside him with your head tilted to the side, the way your dress clung brunched up around your hips and the way your hair fell over your shoulders in messy waves in the afternoon sunlight.

He swallows hard as he reaches out and takes the hat from you, his fingers brushing yours for a second. "Thank you..."

"Of course." You hum, tucking your knees up to your chest and brushing some of the stray grass and moss off of your calves and arms. "Thanks for not killing me."

He lets out a short laugh, setting the hat back onto his head after shoving its contents back into his pockets. "I'm not going to kill you." He says firmly, his eyes following your fingers as you brush off your skirt.

A small smile twitches at your lips as you look over at him, and you feel that familiar pulsing of power in your fingertips and chest, running through your skin again.

You can feel that he means it, and you felt safe before, but even more so now.

The two of you sit in a comfortable silence for another moment, listening to the sounds of the forest around you, and he feels a sense of peace in this quiet space he'd stumbled into.

There were a hundred different ways he could be spending his afternoon. There were bounties to be collected, townsfolk to cheat at poker, and cards to be dealt and drank to. But instead, he was sitting in the middle of a makeshift graveyard with a lonely, beautiful, witch in the middle of the woods and he'd never been more at peace in his entire life.

"Are you... hungry?" You ask after a minute or so, glancing up at the sky to see whereabouts the sun was. It was likely mid to late afternoon by now, and you still hadn't eaten yet- that hadn't been a lie. You had to get back, but you didn't just want to let him go without making sure he would be able to make it back safely.

He was actually a little surprised that he hadn't thought about it. After all, he'd been walking around in the forest for hours. Now that you mention it, he can feel a hollow emptiness in his gut and a sharp pang of hunger go through his body.

"Yeah.. I could eat." He says, rubbing the back of his neck as he tilts his head up towards sky and squints against the sunlight streaming down.

You push myself up from the soft moss you were sitting on, ignoring the bits of it that clung to your dress and hair for the time being.

"Alright, well, c'mon then." You grin, glancing back at him over your shoulder as you go to collect the basket of drying lavender from the grave you were tending before he interrupted.

His eyes widen a little as he watches you stand up, his eyes lingering a little bit too long on the curve of your hips again. He shakes his head before getting up himself, gathering his things and brushing himself off before following the witch deeper into the forest that would inexplicably kill to keep her.

no taglist this time around!! my fics usually get over a hundred requests to be added to the taglist so instead i made a library! follow me over on @runningfrom2am-library and turn on notifs to get updates when i post new parts!!

#billy the kid x reader #billy the kid x you #billy the kid #tom blyth #william h bonney x reader #william h bonney x you #billy the kid 2022 #billy the kid fanfiction #billy the kid imagines #tom blyth x reader #tom blyth fic #william bonney x you #william bonney x reader #william bonney #william h bonney #billy bonney

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mintiicinnamonii · 6 months ago

Note

Hello hello! How are you??

If requests are still open, how do you think Redson’s artist s/o meeting his parents would go? Maybe s/o doesn’t have any powers or status, so they’re both worried going into it.

Thank you so much! I hope you have a good day!

notes: ah yes the classic asian parent meeting (im viet, lol)

I dont know if you wanted a headcanon or a oneshot, so I’ll give you oneshot! red son goes by she/he in this and the rest of my red son posts unless I have a gendered reader, and the pronouns will change!!

I bless you and all the artists with the ability to draw hands

under the cut is the request

So… When Should We Expect Grandchildren?

Red Son paced back and forth in your apartment, muttering to himself as you got ready. Today was the day you’d finally meet his parents. And he was scared to physically incapable DEATH. What if they didn’t like you? What if they disapproved of him? What if they ASKED FOR GRANDKIDS??? Red Son HATED children, that was one of the worst possible scenario. You were an artist, noit some doctor or supervillain or any job that had any power. But you loved the job; Red Son saw your many artworks strewn on the walls and the sheer passion put into them. He just hoped his parents would love you the same way he did. (No one could really love you as much as he did though, he’s kinda smitten..)

“Doll, you’re gonna set the living room on fire..”

Red Son yelped as she looked over and saw you, as beautiful as you were everyday, standing in the living room. You had clearly dressed up for the occasion; Red Son’s fashion lessons had clearly paid off. The fire demon didn’t notice that her ponytail was on fire. “Oh, uh-..” Red Son set the fire out, stammering. “You okay…?” You asked. Red Son sighed. “I just… I’m just worried. What if my parents don’t like you? I mean, I know no one could ever hate you, but-…” He paused, biting her lip. “Take your time.” You responded, holding his hand and squeezing it. Red Son inhaled. “They care about my… beloved’s power, their status. You… aren’t from a family as prestigious and feared as mine, and there’s a chance they’ll just… disapprove.” He said the last part with a tinge of fear. You kissed his hand. “Hey.. it’s gonna be alright. Even if they don’t approve, we still got each other.” Red Son chuckled. “When did you get so good at words?” You shrugged as the two laughed.

When Red Son walked into his parents home, out of all the things he was thunking would go wrong, he didn’t expect this. It had started when you gave his father a handshake, and his father in response, he’d smirked knowingly at Red Son as he held your hand under the table. Princess Iron Fan had noticed and looked at him with an unreadable expression.

Red Son, having seen the smirk from his father, could feel the heat rising throughout his face and his hair becoming inflamed due to the complete and utter embarrassment of the whole thing. He immediately let go of your hand, placing both of his clawed hands into fists as he internally was panicking like crazy—did he embarrass himself in front of you? Was he too forward? Did he look desperate—oh dear, oh dear…

But it was too late, his mother has seen the whole thing. You had looked at Red Son, raising an eyebrow.

"Huh—what—what do you mean? Of course, I’m alright! My, ah, my father was just…being a bit ridiculous as usual, and—“

Red Son babbled out, avoiding your gaze and the sight of his parents, who were both staring at him. It was only a matter of time before they started to say something about the situation.

The Demon Bull King and Princess Iron Fan glanced at each other and at their son, a mischievous look formed on their faces. Oh, this will be fun.

”Oh?”

Princess Iron Fan said, a smirk on her lips, and a teasing look formed on her face.

”So, who’s your partner here?”

The question made Red Son’s face turn a bright shade of red and his hair ignited into an inferno, the tips of his hair sparking due to the sheer embarrassment caused from the question. DBK and PIF glanced at each other.

Red Son stuttered. “Uh.. this is (Name). They’re an artist.” DBK and PIF blinked, surprised. Red Son and you tensed, waiting for the eventual disapproval. “Oh, how lovely! I used to paint back before I met my husband.” Princess Iron Fan exclaimed. DBK nodded. “You still do.”

”What family are you from?” DBK asked, raising an eyebrow. You stuttered. “Uhmm. The (L/N) family.” Red Son’s parents hummed, looking at each other, expressions unreadable til DBK spoke up. “Ah.. we actually friends with one of your ancestors. He was a nice one, eh?” Princess Iron Fan nodded. “Good times. Wasn’t that rich, but he made good company.”

Red Son and you let out a breath you didn’t know you two were holding; thank the celestial realms.

Demon Bull King regained his amused and mischievous expression, crossed his arms over his muscular chest with a small chuckle and smiled, enjoying the absolute hell out of how embarrassed Red Son was and how he was squirming underneath his parents gaze. But his tone held nothing but teasing and amusement as he spoke.

”Ah, our Red Son finally has a lover. How lovely.”

You couldn’t help but snicker; this was too good. ”Hmph!” Red Son pouted, a frown formed on his face as he kept his gaze away from his parents. He couldn’t help but feel embarrassed and annoyed, and how could you just…laugh at him? He was already going through enough embarrassing moments and now you’re just going to laugh while his parents—oh, it was torture! Red Son’s hair burned even brighter, making the tips look like lava due to his flaming embarrassment. You decided to join in on the teasing. “You okay, sweetie?” You kissed his cheek. Red Son felt his heart jump out of his chest when you called him by the pet name of ‘Sweetie’. He immediately became a stuttering mess as his hair flared up and became a wild mane of flames. He tried to form words—but he couldn’t formulate any. The feeling of your lips on his cheek made it even worse, as he could feel the warmth from your lips and how you called him by the pet name you gave him—it was too overstimulating.

Princess Iron Fan and DBK saw the flustered look Red Son had and began to laugh at the sight, how pathetic their son looks right now. But, they couldn’t help but feel happy and proud. They knew their son for all the years they’ve been around him, but they never seen him flustered out of his mind and acting so…love struck.

The Demon Bull King gave a small pat to his son’s head with his gigantic yet gentle hand while he chuckled and grinned at his son’s expense.

"Hehe, our little son has found himself a lover. Look at him—”

The Demon Bull King stated before he snorted, amused.

"So, when should we expect grandchildren? Hahaha!”

The Demon Bull King laughed, teasing his son.

Red Son could feel his face flush with embarrassment. His father’s teasing and his mother’s amused and sly look made him feel like the room was hotter than a sauna, his hair blazing like a wildfire as he tried to regain his composure.

He let out a sharp exhale, attempting to hide the fact that he was still somewhat flustered. He would’ve tried to come up with a witty response or snarky remark, but instead, he managed to stammer out.

”Hahaha, Father, you’re so-so…funny…”

"Haha, of course, I am, boy!”

DBK stated as he ruffled his son’s wild mane, his large hand running through his son’s flaming hair, while his wife snickered in the background. Red Son could feel the heat of his blush rising to his face again, but he tried in vain to hide it by crossing his arms over his chest and pouting like a child.

Demon Bull King noticed his son’s attempt to mask his bashfulness, his amusement growing. He continued to tease his son. “Why are you blushing like a bride on her wedding day, huh, ‘boy’?” He asked, emphasizing ‘boy’ with a hint of teasing sarcasm. He couldn’t resist the amusement that came from teasing his son, especially regarding the revelation that Red Son had found a love interest. “Not a bad idea.” You grinned.

The statement you said made a mischievous and sly expression appear on Princess Iron Fan’s regal yet attractive face. Oh, how interesting. She knew exactly how to tease her son now!

She wrapped her arm around her husband, Demon Bull King’s large arm and smiled, feeling her husband’s muscular arm.

“Oh, is that so?” She said, her tone sly and scheming, her smile widening as she saw Red Son’s expression turn even more flustered.

Red Son gulped, realizing he has walked right into his parents’ trap. He watched in growing irritation as his father placed a gentle, yet strong hand on his mother's waist, pulling her close as she smiled slyly.

Princess Iron Fan spoke up and said with a mock sweetness that was laced with mischievousness, her golden eyes glowing.

“Well, if you want to marry our boy so, by all means,” Princess Iron Fan said, and with that, she laughed, enjoying the absolute hell out of this.

Red Son’s face went completely red. This wasn’t fair; of course, his parents would use this situation to their full advantage. He let out a sigh of aggravation, his eyes rolling up at the ceiling as he pinched the bridge of his nose. Oh, how embarrassing and humiliating! The thought of marriage already made him feel flustered and embarrassed, and now you’re stating so boldly to his parents that you wanted to marry him?

He was utterly flustered and was internally screaming in utter embarrassment. An hour or so later, you and Red Son waved goodbye and left, stepping out into the cold air. You put a hand around his waist, grinning. “So.. when’s the wedding~?”

Red Son stammered. “S-SHUT UP-“

#lmk red son x reader #red son x reader #lego monkie kid red son x reader #lego monkie kid #lmk #x reader

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writerblue275 · 1 year ago

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(Best)FWB!Ezreal Headcanons (18+)

Inspiration: This was one of the of ideas that got me to start this account lol. I’m also in the process of writing a fic based on this idea and it would be so much easier to just reference this post in the header rather than explain everything in the prose.

Champion: Ezreal (like Pilty!Ezreal/Explorer!Ezreal)

Genre: Headcanon

Category: TINIEST amount of angst but primarily FLUFF and SMUT - I mean what were you expecting. We're talking about best friends with benefits here. Typically the benefits are of an adult nature. 18+ ONLY. MINORS DO NOT INTERACT.

Length: This is a looooong one, friends. In my defense, I'm using this headcanon as world-building/background information for at least 1 future fic (It's quickly turning into multiple parts lmao).

Gender: Fem!Reader/reader who is fem presenting? Ahhhh even my non-binary ass doesn't know how to describe this...mention of dresses and stuff.

TW: Adult themes. Friends with benefits, reference to adult activities and kinks. For example: semi-public petting or Dom/sub dynamics. Slight mention of what (probably) happened to his parents and the emotional fallout of that. Mention of alcohol (always drink responsibly y’all). Swearing (as per usual).

Important context: I know game Ez’s age is a bit debated, though generally agreed on somewhere in early to early-mid-20s. For adult Ez in this, let’s say he’s like 23-24? Also Indiana Jones exists in this universe because DAMNIT I WANT TO CALL HIM INDIANA JONES AS A NICKNAME.

SFW

Your father is a history professor at the academy who knows/works with Ezreal’s uncle, Professor Lymere, and who often collaborated with Ez’s parents before they disappeared. Archeology and history go hand-in-hand, after all.

These collaborations led to you and Ezreal being together often as kids since you were around the same age, and a close friendship developed.

To the point of casual physical affection (hugs, hand holding, occasional cuddles) and silly nicknames for each other. He calls you princess, you call him…idiot mostly. (Jk…kinda.) You’ve called him Indiana Jones for forever since he was just as fascinated about archeology/artifacts as his parents.

You have called him an idiot many times though, especially when he’s been extremely rash and reckless.

At various points in your friendship, people have seen the two of you and assumed you had to be dating. It’s hysterical to both of you.

“Me dating Ezreal?! Nah, he’s just my best friend.”

“(Y/N)?? Absolutely not. We’re just best friends.”

You’re one of the few people who can humble Ezreal, a specialty of yours since early on in your friendship.

You: *In your father’s office studying while he teaches a lecture to one of his classes in a nearby lecture hall*

Ez: *Runs into the office, breathlessly laughing as he leans against the now closed door, holding a toupee*

You: *Eyebrows raise* Whatcha got there, Ez?

Ez: *grins* One of the campus warden’s toupees!

You: *Stares at him for a second and sighs* You’re a moron….*goes back to studying*

After his parents’ disappearance, you were understandably worried for Ezreal. You watched as your best friend struggled through the stages of grief, and even worse, stalled before he could get to the acceptance stage of what most likely happened.

You were always there to listen when he needed an ear. Even more importantly you tried to serve as a voice of reason once Ez started planning his own expedition to find the final resting place of Ne’Zuk.

You never said anything to completely dissuade him, because you wanted him to follow his heart and his dreams, but you couldn’t help but worry. With what likely happened to his parents, you were utterly terrified he wouldn’t come back, especially considering his stubbornness, his recklessness, and his age. Losing your best friend was a thought you just couldn’t stomach.

Only you knew about his plan to sneak onto a supply ship bound for Nashramae. You sent him off in the middle of the night with a giant hug and a “Be safe, Indiana Jones. You better come back alive…Write when you can…”

After a second he pulled back from the hug, gave you a signature Ez smirk, and said, “You know me well enough to know I’ll be fine, princess…”

Once he did set off, you had to convincingly act as though you didn’t know where he went. It was difficult, especially seeing how distraught his uncle was once he read Ez’s note, but your loyalty was to your friend.

It was torment waiting for any sort of news. Ez wasn’t exactly going to the most populated areas.

Thankfully, he did eventually return, excited to show off his new gauntlet, using it often to flash behind you and scare you.

“Ez, I swear if you keep scaring me, I cannot be held responsible for any damage to your stupid handsome face.”

*Smirk* “Handsome eh?”

“…Shut up…f-forget I said anything…the last thing you need is an inflated ego.”

But he didn’t forget.

Over the years as he gained notoriety and fame from his adventures, you were one of the few people who didn’t treat him any differently from how you had in the past.

As much as his ego craved the validation and fame, hoping they’d be enough to draw his parents back (god damn this man needs HELLA therapy), having someone who just treated him as Ezreal, not as the prodigal explorer, was really nice…

Once he was a little older, when he started getting invites to parties and banquets to talk about his adventures, you became his go-to date.

As he told you, “It’s just easier than dealing with the rabid fans. Also you’re good-looking, and I need someone with me that helps make me look good.”

That earned him a sarcastic eye roll and “Thanks, I guess?” from you.

With the fame and scale of his adventures, Ez collected a decent amount of wealth on top of what his family already had. As thanks for being his go-to plus-one, he’d always take care of the cost of your clothes and accessories for these events, sometimes even buying outfits for you himself; things that he thought would look good on you. He has shockingly good taste and understands your sense of style very well. (SUGAR DADDY FRIEND EZ, ANYONE?)

It was about a year and a half ago that things in your friendship changed. He’d been gone almost 3-months chasing a particularly legendary relic rumored to be surrounded by an incredible number of traps that were said to be impassable.

“Impassable” is Ez’s specialty, as you know.

Of course, his exuberant return made him a popular invite to all the parties. Everyone wanted to hear the tales of Piltover’s prodigal explorer.

You were just fucking relieved to have your best friend home, alive, and in one piece.

NSFW

It was after one of these fancy parties when things popped off. There’d been an open bar during the dancing portion of the evening. Both of you were tipsy. Both of you were giggly. Ez gave you a piggy back ride home since you decided to kick off your incredibly uncomfortable heels the second you stepped outside. (What a gentleman.)

Once you arrived at your apartment, you invited him to stay the night as he always did since it was so late. Of course he agreed, grabbing the extra set of comfy clothes he stashed there for such situations and going to change while you prepared the couch for your usual post-event chats, setting up, pillows, blankets, snacks, and water.

As he came out of the hallway to the living room where you were, you could feel his gaze glued to you as you bent down to prep some things*

You: *blushing a little and not looking up at him* “Yes?”

Ez: *smirks* I thought that dress would look incredible on you, and I was right….you look even sexier than usual…

You looked up at him with wide eyes, your cheeks DEFINITELY pinker as your mind took a second to register what he said* “You thought about how I’d look in this? W-wait…you think I’m sexy?”

He just grinned and shrugged his shoulders. “Of course I did and of course I do. I’ve told you before that you’re good looking. Do you remember when you accidentally blurted out that I was handsome? Do you still think I am?”

You weren’t sure if it was the alcohol or your curiosity about the direction of this conversation that had you saying, “Yes I do. I’ve thought that for a long time. But, I don’t understand why that matters? You’re my best friend, Ezreal, and to be honest, dating you sounds like a nightmare. I already worry enough about you when you’re on your expeditions. Adding deeper feelings into that sounds like a one-way express ticket to driving myself insane.”

Ez chuckled, “Who said anything about dating or deeper feelings? Feelings are the last thing I need in my life (again THERAPY, MY GUY). But, the way I see it, I’m physically attracted to you, you’re physically attracted to me, neither of us want feelings involved beyond what our friendship is now….that sounds like an arrangement that is mutually beneficial…”

You straightened up and folded your arms together as you contemplate his words. “So like a…friends with benefits sort of thing?”

Ez grinned. “More like best friends with benefits, but yes. I have needs. I’m assuming based on the fact that you’re currently not seeing anyone either that you also have needs. We’ve helped each other out with problems many times….why not help each other with this one?”

Ok, but why was he making so much sense??

He was also right. You’d been going through a hell of a dry spell as of late. And hey, when it comes to people, you trust Ezreal more than anyone else. You’d also be lying to yourself if you said you didn’t find him extremely attractive. All of these reasons pinged around your mind until finally…

“Yes…ok…yes….tonight can serve as a test of sorts…but I’m not finalizing anything until tomorrow morning when both of us are stone cold sober. I have conditions, but they don’t apply at the moment. Got it?”

His response was an frantic nod and an eager “Got it,” as he stepped closer and reached for your waist to pull you to him.

Your response was to turn around and move your hair to the side. “Ah ah ah. First help me with my zipper…then show me what you can do, pretty boy…”

And BOY DID HE. Quite honestly he blew your mind (and your back out 😉). But we’ll get to that later on.

The important conversation happened the next morning after you two woke up tangled with each other.

Ez sat up and stretched, and you couldn’t help it as you sleepily reached over and gently ran your fingers along his abs.

He gave you a sleepy smirk and eyebrow raise before murmuring, “Already want another round, princess?”

This resulted in you pinching him before you also pulled yourself up, not even caring that he was baldly admiring you as you stretched. “I tentatively agree to this arrangement, Ez, but I want to talk about limits/conditions. Let’s talk as we get breakfast ready…”

Your conditions: 1. While this arrangement is in place, he’s not sleeping with anyone else and that includes on expeditions. You don’t want the chance for any sort of disease. 2. If either of you falls for another person, the arrangement needs to end (obviously you two would talk about it so the other knows what’s going on). 3. This can’t fuck up your friendship. Even if things physically end, your friendship needs to remain intact. You don’t want to lose your best friend. 4. No falling in love with each other.

Ez easily agreed to your terms and laid out his own: 1. He’ll see you when he gets home from expeditions and while he’s in Piltover. 2. If he’s not sleeping with anyone else, he hopes you won’t either. 3. He wants you to take care of yourself mentally (a bit ironic), physically, and emotionally, especially while he’s gone. (He won’t admit it, but when he’s on his explorations, he thinks/worries about you often and wonders if you’re doing alright.) 4. He wants to continue to buy you gifts and clothes, and he also wants to start including lingerie in said gifts if you tell him your sizes and style preferences.

The last one surprised you. “Lingerie? Why? That seems pretty intimate for fuck buddies. I certainly don’t expect such gifts from you.”

He was unfazed, instead just grinning and chuckling at the surprise on your face. “Believe it or not, it’s almost more for me than you. Undressing you will be like unwrapping my own present.”

Strangely enough you couldn’t find any fault with that logic.

You agreed to all his terms, and the two of you did a little hand shake to finalize things. A strangely small gesture to seal a massive change in your friendship.

(*Clears throat*) And now for the important part…

Definitely NSFW - AKA How is Ez as a FWB?

With an ego like his, you might think Ez is a selfish lover.

And you know what, maybe to start he is, but you shut that shit down IMMEDIATELY. Remember, you’re one of the only ones who can humble this man.

Once you make it clear that this arrangement will not be one-sided in pleasure if he wants it to continue, he makes sure to act RIGHT.

Like he really makes sure to blow your back out every single time (hell yeah go you).

A large part of his initial “selfishness” is hesitance. You two have known each other forever, but certainly not in this way. You telling him off? Honestly it reminds him that this is still you, his best friend, who he knows better than just about anyone. He is just learning about another side of you.

That is a confidence boost to him and banishes any insecurities he has.

(Unlike Heartsteel Ez who I see very primarily as a sub) Ez is a true switch maybe even leaning a little dom.

Whatever you need him to be, he can be.

Ezreal can be VERY PLAYFUL. Your normal friendship is filled with laughter and teasing, and your friendship in the bedroom is no different.

That doesn’t mean he can’t be serious though, he absolutely can be.

He’s the extremely teasing type, expertly working you up with just a couple touches in public or private and then making you wait.

For example, at those fancy dinners you go to with him? If anyone bothers to look under the tablecloth they'll see his hand on you, thumb tracing shapes into the fabric of your dress high up on your thigh, while he casually recounts the harrowing details of his adventures.

There you are, just sitting there trying to keep a straight face and not blush. He does it often enough you think you’d be used to it by now but NOPE.

You’re really glad no one expects you to tell any stories at those things because every time his hand creeps onto your thigh, your brain short circuits a little bit. Trying to tell a story or hold more than a passing conversation would be incredibly difficult.

And he KNOWS IT TOO. Once he’s not speaking, he always looks over at you and gives you a little smirk.

And if you do the same to him when he’s not telling stories? He will not stop leaning over and softly complaining in your ear.

You take great pleasure in whispering in his ear, “Can’t handle what you dish out? This is what you get, you teasing fuck.” (Or something similar lol.) Then you pass everything off as normal with a very quick, friendly, and casual kiss on the cheek which makes HIS brain short circuit a little bit.

Very touchy and LOUD in bed, especially when you’re on top. To the point you have had to cover his mouth with your hand and threaten to STOP riding him if he doesn’t get himself together and be quieter. He knows damn well how thin apartment walls in Piltover are.

Eventually you just gag him with something, because let’s be honest, it’s an empty threat. You definitely DON’T want to stop and he’s well aware of that.

When he’s on top though, Ez intentionally will do things that cause your sounds to get louder, making no attempts to quiet you. Instead he just smirks down at you and whispers in your ear, “Is that all you’ve got, princess? I know you can get louder than that…don’t hold back for me…”

Don’t be afraid to mark him. Feeling your nails dig into his shoulders/back or feeling you mark his collarbone with hickeys drives him absolutely wild.

Very very VERY good at dirty talk. His wit and sass translate extremely well to more intimate contexts. And when you dirty talk right back at him? He loves it when you’re just as playful as he is. His favorite is when you murmur something filthy in his ear and follow it up with a playful little nip somewhere.

Loves tying you up and loves being tied up, as well as using blindfolds.

Not the most attentive with aftercare, but hey, your arrangement isn’t romantic so you don’t mind. He at least stays the night/for breakfast and cuddles you which is honestly more than you thought he’d do.

It might be a bit inconsistent concerning WHEN you see Ezreal since who knows when he’ll come back from his expeditions, but whenever he is in Piltover, the two of you certainly have a good time. Besides, it’s good to know your best friend is home safe…at least until he sets off on another adventure.

Thank you for reading!! Omg I had so much fun with this one. And I’m already enjoying writing the associated fic. It was literally just supposed to be a one-shot and now there’s absolutely going to be multiple parts, so keep an eye out for that!

#ezreal #ezreal x reader #Ezreal headcanon #Ezreal headcanons #Ezreal smut #league of legends headcanon #reader insert #headcanon #smut #league of legends

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crackedpumpkin · 2 years ago

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|| ᴏʙʟɪᴠɪᴏᴜꜱ ᴘᴛ. ꜰᴏᴜʀ || 2k12! ᴅᴏɴɴɪᴇ x ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ ||

a/n: Hello hello, and welcome to the final part of Oblivious! :) It's very delayed and a teensy bit rushed, and I apologise for that. I've been so busy with work, studying, and planning for my trip to Korea that I've been neglecting some of my writing lately. I'm currently backlogging chapters for various fics, so my good friend @theblindhag(Hey I know this is super last minute but can you help me out lol)) can help me post them when I'm overseas!

Thank you guys for loving this mini-series I continued from kite-anon's initial request. Kite anon, if you're seeing this, look at the legacy you've left behind lololol :) Enjoy!

[ 𝐦𝐚𝐢𝐧 𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 ]

“What do you think?”

You do a quick spin in the knee-length sundress you’ve just tried on, April humming in thought before giving you a thumbs up and a wide smile. You grin in response, giving yourself a glance over in the mirror.

“Do you think he’ll like it?”

“He’d be an idiot.” April snorts, dismissing your concerns with a simple wave of her hand. You giggle at her remark, doing one last twirl before nodding with a satisfied smile. You like the design and might even dare say that you look relatively pretty.

You pay for the dress, leaving the store with a quick thanks to the staff who assisted you both earlier. “I guess this was a successful hangout,” April says, handing you your shopping bag with the dress inside, transferring her own into her left hand so it won’t bump against your legs while the both of you walk.

“So, who’s this guy you’re going on a date with?” April hums with a teasing glint in her eyes. You hit her shoulder lightly with a playful scoff.

“I see, so this was all so you could get the details outta me.”

“Can’t help it if I'm curious.” She shrugs nonchalantly in response. “So? Who’s the lucky guy?”

“...Josh…”

“Which one? We have too many in our school. I swear, it’s like a plague.” She mutters.

You hesitate. “Josh Curtis.”

She gasps. “From Chemistry class?”

You nod with a sheepish smile, her wide eyes drawing a chuckle out of you. “I heard that he had a crush on someone in our class. Turns out it was you!” She gives you an impressed nod.

You laugh, pink tinting your cheeks as you shake your head. “I’m probably not them. I barely even speak to him.” You spot a cafe up ahead, relieved by a change in subject. “Didn’t you say you were craving a croissant? I’m starving. Let’s eat!”

April lets it slide with a raised brow and knowing smile, following you inside the quiet cafe. You order a latte and sandwich for yourself, along with a croissant and Diet Coke for April. You insist on paying since April took time out of her schedule to help you shop for your date.

You both sit in a secluded corner of the cafe, your phone vibrating in your pocket. You grab it, confused when you see the black screen. Ah. You reach into your pocket again, pulling out the T-Phone and answering the call without looking.

“What’s crackin’?”

“Not much, just wondering when you were gonna come over and pick up your jacket before your date.”

You pause, speechless, when you realise it’s Donnie on the other end. You fumble for words, April watching your visibly stressed state with an amused grin. Ever since that day when you had asked to go back to how the both of you were before, he had resumed as if nothing had happened.

Sometimes you catch the little forlorn glances he gives you, brushing it off as guilt for not accepting your feelings. It was a little off-putting, though, how quickly Donnie had adapted to it. Sure, you’re the one who suggested pretending as if the whole heartbreak thing never happened, but he was getting over it quicker than you expected.

You frown slightly. He could’ve at least pretended to be affected.

“My jacket?”

“Yeah, I helped you wash it. Getting the tomato stain out was a little hard, but I figured something out.”

You huff with a thankful smile, running your fingers through your hair. “Thanks, Don. You didn’t have to.” You say gratefully.

“Don’t worry about it. It’s no problem,” He replies with a chuckle. You feel your heart stutter ever-so-slightly, ignoring the sensation. It’s nothing to think about.

“I’ll swing by in a while, just gotta get ready for tonight’s date.” You glance at the clock, relieved when you realise there’s more than enough time to prepare. The server comes with the food you’ve ordered, and you thank him quickly before taking a sip of your latte.

“Alright, see ya then!” He hangs up promptly after his cheerful goodbye, and you lower the phone once the monotonous dial tone reaches your ears.

“So, how’s it going with you and Donnie?”

You choke on your coffee, coughing as you process the sudden question. April hands you some tissues, gently patting your back as she waits for your response. Your coughs finally subside, looking back up once you pull yourself together.

“It’s going fine. We’re back to being friends now.” You say calmly. Well, as calm as you can be after choking on your drink.

“Are you happy?”

You flinch. You hesitate, looking down at your cup and nibbling on your lip as you think of how to respond. It’s not that you aren’t happy. You had Donnie back as a friend and recently hung out with the rest of the boys. You even had a date!

So why do you feel like something’s missing?

You shake your head, ridding yourself of such thoughts.

You’re happy.

You are.

You have to be, right?

“I am,” You reply confidently, though the hint of uncertainty in your words says otherwise.

“Okay then,” She begins to eat her croissant. You smirk, an idea forming in your mind for some payback. You take another casual sip of your latte, setting it down and readying your ammunition.

“So, I heard that Jones asked you out in the hallway.”

You grin as she chokes.

— — — — — — — — —

“What’s crackin’?” You greet Mikey with a fist bump as he skates past you, making your way to Donnie’s lab after Mikey hollers his greetings in response.

You pause for a moment, taking a deep breath before you push the lab doors open. You hate how you still have to do that every single time, nervousness crawling around in your stomach like a worm about to consume its very first apple.

Donnie turns around, about to greet you, before his jaw goes slack, lips parted as he stares at you. You flush, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear before subtly checking for any dirt on the dress you had bought. Was your makeup smudged? You’re pretty sure it isn’t.

You straighten your back, coming to your senses. Why were you even concerned about what Donnie thought? You’re happy with how you look.

You do a quick spin with a confident smile. “What do you think?”

As if your voice snaps Donnie out of his daze, he clears his throat, averting his gaze and nodding. “I-it looks good. You look good.” He stutters slightly, shifting to grab your jacket.

You take it with a grateful smile. You hear him swallow thickly when your eyes meet, taking the jacket from his hands.

It couldn’t be…could it?

Nah, it’s probably nothing.

“Thanks for all the flashcards, Donnie,” You add, pulling out the stack of conversation starters from your purse and handing them back to him. He takes it from you with a simple nod and grin, seemingly having composed himself.

“I hope you have fun on your date. Make sure you get back safe and stay away from the trouble hotspots that I warned you about. Call me if you need anything, and if it gets chilly, make sure you wear your jacket. If he tries to pull anything, just let me know, and he’ll never see the light of day again. Do you have enough money for the cab fare, just in case-”

“I’ll be fine, Donnie.” You cut him off with a laugh. “If anything happens, you’ll be the first I’ll call,” You promise with a playful wink.

“No,” He sighs, shaking his head. “I’ll accompany you there from the rooftops, just in case.”

— — — — — — — — —

The walk to the cinema is quiet.

You cast a glance at Donnie, who’s walking beside you, eyes skimming over the way the skin between his eyes furrows as his lips purse into a slight frown. You lick your dry lips, glancing back down at your hands.

“So,” You try to break the silence, tilting your head with a smile. “How’s it going?”

“Mmhm.”

“You good?”

“Mmhm.”

“You want some pineapple pizza?”

“Mmhm.”

You stop in your tracks. Donnie doesn’t notice, too engrossed in his thoughts. You prop your hands on your hips, brows furrowed in growing concern for your friend. “I got attacked by a Kraang last night.”

“Mmhm,” He hums again but pauses, rapidly blinking once he processes your words. “You got attacked by the Kraang?” His voice is filled with disbelief, hurrying back over to you and gently taking your wrists. He lifts them with worry, checking your arms for any bruises or scrapes.

You watch him for a moment, slowly placing your hands back down. He looks back at you with an uncertain gaze, breath stuttering when you look up at him with glitter-dusted eyelids, the subtle shimmer making the colour of your eyes pop.

You chuckle. “No, silly. You just looked so distracted. I figured this would be the only way to snap you out of it.” You spot the cinema up ahead and quicken your pace, wanting to avoid whatever awkwardness this entire exchange is.

“Well, I’ll update you on what happens,” You say, hands grazing the cool metal of the fire escape’s railings. You risk a look at him, only to find that he’s already staring.

Neither of you looks away.

The beep of your phone signals a message, serving as a medium for you to snap out of whatever the hell this staring contest is. You clear your throat, checking your phone to see a message from your date for tonight.

“Well, looks like I gotta go.”

You begin to walk down the stairs, but you’re stopped by a hand grasping your elbow. You turn back, looking into conflicted auburn brown eyes. You raise your brows, waiting for Donnie to speak first.

“I- uh,” He stammers, eyes darting all over the place. His hands are clammy, and you could easily tug your arm away from him.

But you choose not to, waiting patiently in silence.

He’s scrambling for words to form a coherent sentence, and the corner of your lips tugs up into an amused smirk. If you didn’t know better, you’d have assumed that he’s trying to confess to you or something along those lines.

But there’s no way, obviously.

“It’s nothing.” he finally says, meeting your gaze with a newfound resolve. You’re surprised by the sudden change in attitude, your arm falling to your side when he lets go. You’re…oddly disappointed.

“Okay…” Your steps are unsure, casting another look over your shoulder every few steps, almost as if you’re waiting for him to call you back – to stop you. Once you’re at the bottom, however, you look back up at the shadowed figure on the rooftop, watching him turn and leave the way you came.

Your heart grows heavier with each step away, glancing back into the empty alleyway before taking a deep breath and standing upright, rolling your shoulders back. You couldn’t have a date like this. It’d be disrespectful. You enter the cinema, looking around for Josh.

“Hey,” You greet Josh with a warm smile, walking up to the blonde head of hair you spot easily in the crowd. He moves away from the wall he’s leaning against, sliding his phone into his jacket pocket.

“Hey,” He grins, handing you a small bouquet of flowers. It looked clumsy, the ribbon slightly messy. It looked handmade. His eyes are anxious, seeking yours for some form of validation.

“Josh…” It’s too sweet of him, really. Your heart melts at the flush on his cheeks, accepting the flowers with a bashful smile. You take a moment to admire them, fingers brushing against the delicate petals. You look back at him, realising he’d dressed up for today.

He coughs, adjusting the collar of his shirt with a nervous smile. “Shall we?” He offers his arm out to you. You glance back at the entrance, your smile faltering when you remember Donnie’s gone. However, those thoughts are banished from your mind with a quick shake of your head.

You take Josh’s arm, and the both of you chat away as you walk to the theatre hall where the movie’s showing. The date is relatively peaceful, and you find yourself enjoying every moment. Josh is sweet, kind, and everything you could ever want.

But he’s not Donnie.

That in itself is enough to bring on a crushing weight on your chest, finding it hard to continue brushing off the wistful glances and goofy smiles Josh sends your way. Finally, the date ends where it began, having made casual conversation in the cafe next to the cinema’s entrance.

Now’s the hardest part.

“Josh…Listen,” You’re caught off guard when he smiles, eyes hinting at the fact that he knows what’s about to be said. His hand rubs the back of his neck, a soft chuckle falling from his lips.

Honest and sincere blue eyes meet yours, and the words die in your throat. But he nods, a silent encouragement for you to continue. God, how could you do this to someone so sweet?

“I’m sorry,” You start, cheeks burning in shame. “I really appreciate everything you’ve done, and I really hope we can continue to be friends still… Would that be okay…?”

He’s silent for a moment. “Sure. I’d like that.” He replies breathlessly, though his words are resigned. Your heart feels as if it’s torn in two, but he catches your eyes, smiling lightheartedly. “He must really be something, huh.”

“Yeah.” You manage a nod.

“Well, I hope everything works out for you. You can keep the flowers, by the way.” He gestures at the bouquet you’ve placed on the table. “They made you smile, and I’m happy enough with that.”

If you didn’t already feel horrible for turning down a gentleman like him, you definitely feel awful now. “Thank you. I enjoyed today.”

He stands up, hands in his pockets as he flashes you a grin.

“No problem.”

— — — — — — — — —

He wants to stop you. To tell you never to go near this ‘Josh’ guy ever again.

He pauses, steps slowing to a halt when he sees you smiling at something the attractive boy beside you quips.

This is wrong.

You didn’t have a thing for blue eyes. You preferred earthy tones. You preferred him.

Donnie watches you wave goodbye, walking past the alleyway he’s hiding in. You’re a few steps away from passing it. His heart stings in his chest, sucking in a harsh breath through his teeth with a wince.

You’re about to leave.

He feels nauseous. His stomach lurches slightly, the sensation enough to make him feel horrible. He didn’t understand why he felt this way, only that he was sure he’d lose you forever if he let you go now.

He doesn’t know what overcomes him, vaguely registering hurried steps, his arms reaching out to you. You turn at that exact moment, catching a glimpse of him in the corner of your eyes before he sees his hand wrap around your wrist.

You’re tugged back, falling into Donnie’s arms as your back presses against his plastron. Your breath hitches in your chest at the sudden contact. You don’t dare to look behind you.

You’re scared of what you’ll see.

You feel him inhale shakily, his warm breath sending tingles down your spine. His fingers curl around your wrist, holding it firmly. His touch is electrifying, but you dare not break the silence.

Your cheeks warm when he moves to wrap his arms around you, holding you flush against him. You can’t take it anymore; you’re sure your face is the exact colour of the traffic light only a few feet away.

You part your lips, afraid to let even a single word slip past them. Maybe your voice will come out shaky. You swallow thickly, willing your heart to stop beating so goddamn loudly in your chest. You hesitate.

“Donnie?”

— — — — — — — — —

tags:

@cowabunga101

@urfavarab

@mellytumbles

@etherealyblue

@shakeyourtrees

@theblindhag

@mikavoltron

@creat0r-cat

@gingerdraw-blog

#tmnt 2012 #tmnt 2012 x reader #tmnt 2012 x you #tmnt 2012 x y/n #donnie x reader #donnie x you #donnie x y/n #2012 donnie x reader #2012 donnie x you #2012 donnie x y/n #x reader #tmnt x reader

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c-cw-f-saeko · 11 months ago

Text

tell me your name (tesso and seonhee headcanons 2/3)

they moved out of the way so i could take a picture of mt. fuji -> loose recreation of this image

hi !! i thought i’d finish this tesso and seonhee (separate and together) headcanon masterpost. it covers their individual backstory, how they met and how their relationship grew.

btw i made another headcanon masterpost about the liumang here 🤩 it wouldn't be a bad idea to read it before this one !

i warn that this is the ultimate yapping session LOL so it's long and very image heavy OOPS! there are more than 30 images, i wanted to add more but will stop there for now. check the bottom of the post for some straightforward headcanons (and a TLDR).

also, please pretend the entire timeline makes sense.....i won't beat myself over ageless characters not fitting 100% with documented events 😭 (imo seonhee is 34 and tesso is 37 currently) nvm my guess for seonhee but tesso is surely 37

also, the two fics i wrote heavily tie to this (don't mind the last one). i won't say you need to read them to understand, but i recommend reading them (BC I COOKED!) it'll be linked when needed.

- wang tielin

not completely accurate because he shouldn't have his scars but i'm too lazy to re-do the texture from scratch... sorry tielin 💔

birth name is wang tielin

born in japan. lived in the countryside with his uncle for the longest he could remember.

vowed to his childhood friend to live on the straight and narrow no matter what (hahaha)

a promise to keep was to become rich and share with their family when they grow up.

went to school just because, but had no plans nor dreams in particular. never stirred trouble.

was always kinda bland, but made an effort to become and dress "cooler" after coming to kamurocho (look at the fit please 😭 it was definitely a phase). this is part of the stuff tesso left behind (including his real name). would've preferred no one he knows today met him during that time.

zhao tried time and time again to make tesso show him pictures of him when he was younger but tesso claims to have none. zhao even got seonhee on the task and was ready to put down a good chunk of cash to make it happen. unfortunately for him, tesso was a nobody that truly came out of nowhere according to the geomijul (seonhee just lied 🤩 sorry tianyou).

-> long before the liumang

he came from some city in the country side where nothing really happens. his aunt and uncle took care of him and sent went to school. he was expected to take on his uncle’s restaurant since he was helping out from time to time and that’s what his uncle wanted anyway.

how can i put it… as long he found a way to feed himself and have a roof over his head, he didn’t have a goal to attain (like a goal career or whatever). he had no aspirations as in “i guess i’ll live” 😍

though, he had a close friend called liwei. they spent most of their time at school and outside together doing whatever. unlike tesso, liwei had big dreams of finally making it out go the “boring” countryside and establishing himself in a big city, becoming the wealthiest person of his family to provide for his parents. he had a passion about going to especially kamurocho because it was the complete opposite of their current lives. tesso's response to liwei was mostly -> “i support you!” he kinda admired liwei for having determined ambition.

-> a bit before the liumang

though, liwei ended up getting killed because a hit was ordered by a bunch of strangers on seemingly the wrong person. not a lot of clues were left behind, but tesso was adamant about it being a mistake since the two of them always swore on being on the straight and narrow (ironically).

so, tesso decided to leave his hometown in the countryside to find out what happened, who killed liwei and how the mix-up happened in the first place.

it lead him to many big cities (like kamurocho) though he navigated a bit clumsily with his words (talking a bit too carelessly about “i’m looking for such such that killed such and such, not knowing the type of place he was getting into), tesso ends up getting jumped by the local chinese mafia at least twice 😭 the clues he finds leads him into yokohama and bro gets jumped again 😭

all to figure out the true culprit was guys from yokohama's chinatown and going up front to them was the worst idea ever. instead, he joins the liumang (at first for refuge as outsider chinese people were vulnerable to trouble between seiryu/liumang and liumang/chinatown). then, in hopes of giving another meaning to his life and eventually seek justice for liwei’s murder.

-> in the liumang

won't go too much in detail here, but tesso ends up being recruited personally by zhao as a liumang officer through a fight - given the exploit of him being able to scratch his jacket with his claws (and zhao scratched his face across his nose and cheeks with his sabre 😍)

- sakura, the number one hostess

long ago in kamurocho, seonhee used to be an hostess called sakura. remnants of the jingweon mafia rejected by mainland and local koreans (that later formed the geomijul) survived the best they could with low-level information dealing. they used cabaret clubs to get info out of the local population.

moving left and right with her mother, it was lucrative enough for her to be able to fend for the two of them — even if it was temporary, she would be doing it until they’d be able to find some sort of stability.

eventually, the cabaret club was disbanded due to more prominent gangs taking over kamurocho, basically forcing the geomijul out of the city (to later end up yokohama).

in the move, the geomijul was very unstable; most members falling into despair as they were forced out of of home one more time.

seonhee was one of the few people to step up to rally the remaining people together. if they were wavering in the faith of surviving their predicament, the geomijul wouldn't even survive. she did everything she could to make sure fellow members wouldn't walk astray and find them a new home.

being one of people that proposed lodging the geomijul between the seiryu clan and the liumang and reprise their information dealing activities. it was through her sheer determination and in the success of securing the geomijul in yokohama that seonhee was made leader (despite being that young and a woman) jumping over all the oldheads.

fun fact, after leaving the cabaret club, she vowed to herself to never do that type of work ever again.

- meeting for the first time in kamurocho

bro came dressed like that to the luxury club 😭 first timer spotted!! fresh meat here!!!!!!

one promise he made to himself was to realize one of liwei’s dreams, no matter how futile it was. so, he gathered most of his money and decided to light it up for one night in kamurocho in his honour. he ended up going to the first cabaret club he laid eyes on - the one owned by the geomijul.

given the way he was dressed (lol) and the fact he had never been in the city before, seonhee (the number one hostess at the time) was tasked of tending his table. she usually handled the most "suspicious" customers.

that's what she thought at first, but past their initial talk, she really did find out he was just young random dude trying out the cabaret clubs for the first time.

“is it your first time here?” “yeah, there isn’t stuff like this where i live” and so on. funny enough, he turned the conversation back on her a lot so she could ramble about the city and the type of work she did (life in the countryside is boring and uneventful anyway). it caused her to indirectly talk about the geomijul — tesso couldn’t know, her words still applied to the cabaret club dynamic. “the streets are competitive so we are working hard to stay on top!” and how teamwork was the most important thing at the end of the day, etc.

they had a good time talking and tesso was glad to find out city girls were so friendly. he had the impression that he’d be eaten alive, but he was doing ok so far.

he touched briefly on the real reason he visited kamurocho (thought to himself it would defeat the purpose to not mention it). though, seonhee was smart to not make him linger on the subject by proposing to toast in his honor. tesso agreed, he was there to celebrate and she had made the right call.

[sorry for the lack of continuity here but i can't being myself to write more atm. will evetually expand that part into a fic.]

- meeting for the second time in yokohama

tesso was always one of the officers zhao relied on the most. for example, he was leading the men sent by zhao after nanba through the city.

so, after mabuchi's overturned coup-d'etat and seonhee taking over the liumang, zhao named tesso as the most reliable man under him and could definitely provide great support in mending the geomijul and liumang together - zhao assured seonhee she could rely on tesso to bridge the two factions.

seonhee was quick to recognize tesso right away, thinking hard about where she had seen such a familiar face before - and the options were very little. it didn't take long for her to realize that it was the same guy she met at the cabaret club years ago. she thought about playing it cool and pretending they never met before, "he probably forgot anyway" and it's not like she looks exactly the same as she did. but she couldn't really shake off the possibility of him remembering. still, she plays it off in front of zhao

for as long as tesso remembers, the geomijul was a very secretive organization and most liumang didn't even know who the boss was and what they looked like. so he rolled with the assumption of having never met them before. so, of course, when he officially met seonhee for the first time, he didn't recognize her. at least at first 😭

- the underworld post mabuchi

because of fusion of the underworld, there was a lot of re-structuring to (such as combining certain cashflows, identifying businesses to assign new leaders to look after them, etc.) it was challenging especially after mabuchi basically left the liumang in shambles and with a lot of defecting members.

tesso helped out sorting out the mess with seonhee personally; it was easier to go through everything with someone that new the ordeal from top to bottom (thanks to zhao). the little time they had was dedicated to fixing the whole organization. at that time, seonhee relegated a lot of leading responsibilities to joongi while tesso did the same with his subordinates.

that's all it was; hours in a corner of the geomijul (usually in the middle of the night) sorting through hundred of files.

at first, it was awkward. tesso had never seen who led the geomijul before and the reality was very far from this expectations. starting at the fact he didn't even thought the geomijul had a woman at its head because of the rumours running the liumang. a detail zhao never bothered bringing up before they met.

zhao's funky and malleable nature was replaced by something more rigid, stern at times but always stood on business. it was different, but tesso went along with it. her style was definitely gonna bring the liumang and geomijul back on its feet.

still, he spoke to her with the same clumsiness as he did with zhao. distant in his words, just like a subordinate should be to its leader. she didn't mind, especially when she did most of the talking anyway.

that's how their routine was at the start: meet, sort documents, leave — there wasn't anything else more to it.

but, something didn't feel quite right.

the more he heard her talk, the more he was sure to have met her before. the words she used, her tone... it felt so familiar. and he had plenty of time to think about it. there was no doubt, she definitely was that girl from the cabaret club...

he kept it to himself and vowed to pretend he's mistaken. the last thing he could do was to bring it up first and be wrong. he would continue to behave the same as he ever did. given their circumstances, he could assume she had left her old life behind as well.

though, irony seeped from his pores, it was stronger than him. the coincidence was a bit humorous; the two of them meeting again with different names and under these unlikely circumstances. he kept his stun under wraps - or at least tried to.

from lingering gazes when she wasn't looking to the way she held herself, tesso recalled the selfless woman he met long ago in kamurocho. despite the heavy facade she always wore, she played it off well, how, in the midst of her words, always passed others before herself.

even with her bolder style, and it's not like she changed much: she was still as beautiful as ever and had that unwavering aura fit of a born leader.

perhaps, he had made his realization too obvious.

ever since zhao presented tesso to seonhee, she knew they had met before. thus, sat quietly with the intent of pretending she was someone else. however, tesso's demeanour changed out of the blue. he seemed a bit more awkward and careful in his words.

though, seonhee resigned on pretending. "tesso? is that how you call yourself these days?" shortly followed with his real name. she asks, chuckling a bit. perhaps, he could've picked something more subtle. he did abandon his birth name for this alias he wasn't really sure whom give it to him. but it doesn't really matter. it just meant was a completely different man now.

it was a bit ironic; they are able to have to shy laugh about it, the ice is starting to melt between them.

- the bridge between the geomijul and yokohama liumang

overall, the union between the geomijul and liumang was welcome by its members. given the situation they both were in - one left without a leader and the other very vulnerable to outside threats. it was worth leaving residual animosity behind and cooperate for the sake of keeping yokohama safe.

so, antagonists to seonhee taking over after zhao were far and between - mainly geomijul oldheads (like seo hancheol 😍 rip bozo) and the few remaining mabuchi enjoyers (like zheng because yes in this timeline bro didn’t get banished out of yokohama).

so, not only did tesso assist seonhee in the merge of the two groups, but he kinda became for the liumang what joongi is for the geomijul: the first commander under the leader and first rep for the liumang. so, in case of trouble or any reference needed from geomijul members, they could ask him if needed. tesso is known to get along with younger folks (canon) so it helps a lot!

overall, the underworld is structured like this:

- factions subordinates (tesso and the geomijul)

yeona calls tesso liumang oppa 😭 she's the one that got tesso to read manga

i feel like yeona would get along well with these two LOL she can get info on joongi from tesso since they work on another level (joongi hides his cringy side from his subordinates). also, she tends to tease seonhee a bit about not being single anymore 😭 in a little sister-big sister type of way. bc like it's not like they ever announced anything, but yeona just picks up on vibes like that 😭 there's banter between seonhee and her, but it's in good faith!! there are so little women in the geomijul, so yeona made sure to stick with

"seonhee unnie, that's your boyfriend isn't it?" she didn't say that, but her eyes kinda did 😭 yeona always knows when something is up about her big sister. this whole exchange happened while tesso was reading his notes LOL 😭

well kinda... because now that seonhee is taken, han-sama (joongi) can stop worrying about seonhee's relationship status.

- advisor to advisor (tesso and joongi)

"Tha- That's not possible! She couldn't have a boyfriend! Some random man from who-knows-where!?" (direct canon quote istg 😭)

"some random man from who-knows-where" that's literally what tesso was to joongi for awhile.

of course, he knew tesso was one of the closest subordinates of zhao. but he wanted to dig out his history as much as he could before even asking zhao about it. surprise came when he didn’t find much out of the geomijul surveillance system — there was no way to know for sure how nor when he got in the city. however, joongi was adamant about not asking seonhee about it just yet.

sure, tesso and seonhee never announced they were together (for a very long time). but joongi picked up the smallest changes of seonhee's demeanour and her mannerisms. she tried her best to conceal it, but nothing went past his eye. and it was very clear to him... seonhee was indeed dating that random man.

at first, it was veiled concern but joongi believed seonhee could do better. he thought seonhee could aim for someone more or at least just as good looking than him (im sorry LOL but exhibit A) and someone as refined as her and not so… contradictory in looks and personality (tesso looks rough with a lot of distinctive features but is rather simple). so, first impression wise, it was off to a rocky start.

despite being the two most important members of the geomijul and liumang, joongi and tesso didn’t really get along. tesso thought joongi was arrogant and preferred dealing with his subordinates instead (like yeona with whom he was able to work well with).

“don’t mind han-sama. he’ll get over it eventually…” tesso still has no clue what she means by that

the impression of tesso and joongi not getting along wasn't setting a good example for the fellow geomijul and liumang members. while tesso was unsure about the whole thing, joongi struggled moving on for a bit. even seonhee wasn't sure of what was going on between the two.

it took yeona telling on joongi's business back to seonhee for her to set the record straight. no one knows for sure what she has said, but their short discussion was followed by a shy apology from joongi, blaming the geomijul's eternal lack of trust of others for his behaviour and vowed to be as reliable as ever. actually, that was a move from seonhee where she wouldn't let a reason so petty cloud joongi and tesso's relationship further. it was better if tesso didn't know (lol).......

in joongi's opinion, there was too many red flags or dubious points about tesso and couldn’t figure out where nor when they even met (as seonhee never mentioned him before). so, everything came to him as a surprise.

deep down, the hurt joongi felt was because seonhee didn’t tell him about it first when they shared pretty much everything. he took it as a sign of being unworthy of her trust. understanding it didn’t come from malice, joongi slowly opened up to tesso - it was iffy at first, there was still moments when he was a bit rude despite him. it took time, but joongi trusted seonhee in her decision and agreed that tesso wasn’t so bad after all (“albeit a bit goofy and doesn’t have a presentation as neat as I do”). all that mattered at the end of the day was seonhee’s wellbeing and she seems happy. bro got over himself…

- relationship ladder

(i'm not gonna extend myself too much on this but) the particular thing about them is how the closer they got, the place to work on business changed as well.

this is the fish shop next to eomoni's vow 😭

it started at the corner of the geomijul but surely became eomoni's vow (which is just my first fic LOL) - right at the time when the city was as calm as ever and the liumang and geomijul were combined together. members were more comfortable walking the streets so the need to remain miles of tunnels under the surface wasn't as needed.

still, they usually met in the middle of the night to work on stuff, but just end up eating and drinking the hours away. they got in the habit of playing mahjong against each-other singing karaoke on rare occasion (amongst other things).

next location is qing jin.

omg bro with the three piece suit 😭

it's upgrade from eomoni's vow since the top floor has a dress code 😍 you have to be put together to get in there so dresses and dress shirts are a must.

tesso debated for awhile before inviting her. it was a bit of a bold move, but he knew qing jin would be more of her taste (more spacious, luxurious and an entire different palate) AND it was still very private.

tesso actually picked the artwork (see the tomato picture below) and the room divider is from lin lin

they went a few times, and that was then tesso told seonhee about zhao's apartment complex and eventually advanced the idea to share a spot there. won't go over the details again LOL but you get the idea 🤩

knowing she'd be coming, tesso leaves her sweets 🥹 he's usually more busy on foot (you know assassination quests 🤩), but will drop by before she does if he has other stuff to do for the day.

seonhee definitely spends more time there since she doesn't have to be out carrying missions out on the streets and enjoys the privacy. it's seemingly normal when compared to the gloominess of the geomijul and restaurant row.

- trip to kyoto

this is basically the fic i wrote last year - tesso and seonhee go on a trip to kyoto. (PLEASE READ IT I COOKED!!! 😭) the fic in a nutshell:

i am kidding of course

despite being a higher ranked officer with more responsibilities, he’s always stuck at the “uhhhh taking some time off like that kinda feels unfair” but was bullied convinced by zhao to take some anyway. yokohama had been peaceful for awhile now and his subordinates could run well without him around for a few days.

so take the bullet train to osaka only to come back three days and four nights later. notably, they visit the nonomiya shrine (the shrine of love woooooooohooooo, no it is actually!), tesso dedicates her a poem and they stay in a machiya.

funny enough, i managed to make 3d models pretty close to the original drawings (iykyk) so it's fun!

pretty!!!!!!!!! 😭

- miscellaneous

funny thing they do -> rock paper scissors and they talk to each-other the native tongue of whoever wins for a day. seonhee tends to win often; she's just built like that.

during yua's first year at seiryo, tesso and seonhee attended the parent-student meeting together in place of her uncle (yua's legal guardian at the time). to meet sawa-sensei (yes she lived).

negative trait

tesso : can be too passive | seonhee : lacks humility

positive trait

tesso: dependable | seonhee: diligent

strength against the other

tesso: resistant to dominatrix energy | seonhee: resistant to tianyou

their weakness coming from the other

tesso: her cute mannerisms | seonhee: him calling her a specific petname (b......ba......omg i can't [dies of cringe])

serious complaint about the other

tesso: sacrificing health for the sake of fashion | seonhee: sleeps too little

unserious complaint about the other

tesso: lacks stamina | seonhee: grandpa mannerisms at 37

random quirk

tesso: can fall asleep anywhere | seonhee: rarely laughs from her the pit of her stomach

karaoke?

seonhee: enjoys anything from koda kumi | tesso: either tone deaf or decent, nobody knows… won’t do anything more than adlibs

hobby they got because of the other

tesso: skincare | seonhee: gardening

seonhee enjoys growing tomatoes, amongst other things. on his part, tesso grows nappa cabbages somewhere on a rooftop in restaurant row (mostly for kimchi ofc).

hobby they don’t share

tesso: shopping | seonhee: running

hobby they tried together for the first time

dancing (thank you yagami)

seonhee is pissed bc yagami made them do something really hard as a tryout. it's not easy, but it's simple at least so they managed!

thing they do when sick

tesso: eats lemons like oranges | seonhee: drinks tea with every single aromatic she can find (ginger, turmeric, cinnamon, peppercorns, etc.)

last thing they fought about

seonhee being frustrated at tesso’s reluctance to take over the liumang, leading her to talk ill of zhao’s ways of leadership. though, seonhee is too proud to apologize first and they didn’t talk to each other for two weeks. even zhao and saeko picked up on the fact they were kinda avoiding each other.

one thing they struggled with

(especially tesso at the start) treat each-other on equal footing. he was kinda confused at how to behave, whether to be or to not be subservient, like.....

not that it was his second nature, but that's what he used to for the longest time. so, he didn't mind at all.

seonhee was a bit frustrated at the need to spell it out, but it was better that way. at least, everything was clear between them from that point on.

for zhao's costume party [i'll write about this later? maybe?]

(actually seonhee convinced tesso but) they did matching costumes of leon kennedy and ada wong from RE.

TL;DR: i think there are moments when seonhee shares more of herself to someone on equal footing, moments where she's more vulnerable and has room to step away from her idolized self.

i think there are moments when tesso has to put himself first, moments when he must learn to not overextend himself at his own expense.

despite the unlikely circumstances and complicated conditions, i think they would be able to do that together. tesso and seonhee are polar opposites on so many things and i think they can learn a lot from each-other.

i'll make another post with all different outfits they had soon because the volume of models i made 😭

next headcanon post is either going to be ichitesso on dondoko island or yua.....idk yet........

and yes in my book miku was on dondoko island LOL

and before you ask, yes i smoke crack! thank you for coming to my ted talk!

#tessohui #tesso #seonhee #domain expansion #mental institute!!!!!!!!!!#also please dont think im a joongi hater #hes just lame af for how he is towards seonhee about her dating..like bro.....shes not gonna let you hit please stop #also he called ichiban ugly so................bruh............#other than that hes cool #im mentally ill #there are so many more things i wish i could convey #but i kinda hate writing #also this is not very fluffy? i think?#i shouldve written more i literally cant #im sorry #this has been in my drafts for a month at least #han joon gi #zhao tianyou

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c0ffinrehearsal · 2 years ago

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ten lines, ten people

so many of y’all tagged me - @motswolo is the most recent so u get the tag lol. I don’t have 10 posted fics or WIPs so you’re getting a mix of both. and they’re not all first lines xx

After, it's dead silent in the room for a beat - and then Sirius is heaving huge, wracking breaths and saying, "What the fuck, oh my god," under his breath over and over again and Remus is still just staring like it's all caught up to him. His mouth has dropped open into a soft bow of shock and he looks down at his hand like he can’t believe it’s attached to him. - i’ve got diamonds in my eyes (for you)

Sirus had never been a particularly self-conscious person, not even when he started wearing skirts and dark eye makeup. He had simply shown up to class one day in a short, black velvet dress and all but snarled at anyone who looked at him. At almost anyone who looked at him. Remus had pressed a hand on the small of Sirius’s back, smiled and said, “Velvet really suits you. - dirty valentine (written for greenie <3)

The knife is gone for a moment, the fingers pulled out to the tip. And then Sirius feels the blade against the small of his back, lined up straight with his spine. Everything is still. Sirius knows that Remus isn’t hesitating, he’s just making Sirius wait, keeping him on his toes. (cw: blood, knives) - overflow

His eyes are silver and unassuming as moonlight, the kind of glow that pulls secrets from your throat. Silver-scaled trout on a tense, strong line.

This too-big feeling, Remus knows, is a promise that the other boot will drop. Waiting for the pendulum to swing, suspended - the comfort of the inevitable. This is a game that Remus is very, very good at. - the dislocated room

If this is what it is to let someone in, Sirius wonders, then he has no idea how people manage it on a day-to-day basis. It’s completely devouring, it’s eating Sirius up from the inside out and no, he doesn’t want it to stop. - boot theory

“You are absolutely killing it today, I bet Remus is shaking in his little sneakers at the sight of you,” James said, soothing, clearly holding back a laugh.

“Please just go to the till, James,” Sirius said, more embarrassed than he’d ever been, “And let me sweep up the scraps of my ego in peace. - untitled lil bookstore au

Maybe it would’ve been different if Sirius hadn’t grown up picturing himself inside the fairy tales he read in secret - if he hadn’t expected kindness from a world that didn’t understand him. Maybe then the inevitability of it all wouldn’t feel so much like one big cosmic joke, Sirius sparkling right in the center of it. - crush / i had a dream about you

Remus Lupin knew all about the city boys. He knew how they would kiss, how they would press against him in the dark and leave nothing in the morning but the mud from their still-shiny boots on his hardwood floors. -untitled cowboy thoughts that might make it into a fic w/@greenvlvetcouch

“James I do not need you to be responsible right now, I need you to tell me that I’m normal and I can do this,” Sirius says, trying not to sound as small as he feels.

James turns around from the fridge with a bag of bagels in one hand and a jug of orange juice in the other and smiles at Sirius in the soft sad way that someone would typically direct at a distressed child. - you wouldn’t like me - wolfstar in 2005

#i think all of my mutuals have already been tagged #this still isn’t 10 fics but whatever #muah love y'all #wolfstar #wolfstar fic #sirius black #remus lupin

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pearlypairings · 2 years ago

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For the ask game:

1 for Aurelias, 4, 10, 15, and 18 🥰

1. Share a song that makes you think of Aurelias?

Angel of Small Death and the Codeine Scene, but the general ethereal ambience of Hozier suits my mental state of writing that fantasy/nobiltity fic so well :)

4. How many WIPs do you have right now?

Okay just a quick glance into Google Docs… 8 apparently lol. But in various stages of being well crafted or completely naked in those files. About half of those may get published, the other half are more like fun ideas to cheat on my real WIPs with that will stay in their respective folder lol.

10. Is there a fic that got a different response than you were expecting?

not a sound, but the wind, for sure! The first chapter was a slapped together, fever dream that I literally forgot about for weeks, but it got SO much positive feedback and attention I was shocked lol. It turned into a beloved 6 chapter fic that I actually want to go back and reread for myself (which I never do for my own fics).

15. How do you come up with titles for your fics/chapters?

I don’t want to say random sources of inspo, buuuuuut I definitely have borrowed song titles most frequently. Otherwise, I’ve looked up obscure Tolkien quotes or my own creation based on the fic itself (like In the Shade of Aurelias comes from my made-up flowers in Hawkinnes).

18. What’s one of your favorite lines you’ve written in a fic?

I usually post my fave line from Do or Die that embarrasses Jason to pieces, but I think I’ll switch it up this time. Here’s one of my faves from not a sound, but the wind:

“Asshole parents love watching you cower in their presence. The moment you steal back that power, they don’t know how to react.” “Sounds like you’ve been through this.” “To an extent.” Eddie cleared his throat over the humming of the idling engine. He stared into the modest doorway before them. The pale green siding surprised her; it was so much brighter than the way he dressed. “But that’s the past. Wayne’s a good guy, nothin’ like how I lived before.”

*Anyone can check out the original post and ask me anything, I'm bored :)

Fanfic Ask Post

#pearly answers #fanfic writer ask game #hellcheer fanfic #hellcheer #hellcheer writer #thanks for the ask losty <3

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1d1195 · 18 days ago

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✨part two✨

That sounds so fun! Fuck climate change though, it’s truly concerning how many people don’t even believe in it! Anyways I would love to go apple picking but I would have to travel a bit tbh and idk I’m more of a winter girl over all! I did pick strawberries when I was a kid and that was fun lol

Omg Sam you know I love when you ramble! And I do love these answers! All of your versions of Harry are so down bad that I wouldn’t find it strange if you end up putting in a pregnancy plot! But I do agree with the Therapy couple! In my head they give off “not having kids vibes” at least for a very long time! But like I said it wouldn’t also be weird! But it does make sense for the young couples to not have kids yet! I LOVE THE IDEA OF DRYER SHEET DRESSING TE KIDS UP😭 they would have the cutest family costumes 😭 Ding Harry would so make their little girl the most skilled boxer and Miss cupcake their son a baker😭

SAMANTHA! your angst HITS!! I swear the amount of times I have genuinely CRIED it’s actually insane!! I am an emotional girly at heart so when I’m invested, IM INVESTED! and omg your writting really draws me in!

I sort of broke down a bit this weekend lol but it wasn’t all full on one so not as satisfying lol this is year our traditions have mainly been put on hold! Sadly my mom got a bit worse, not horrible though! So a lot of our traditions are centered around her being the leader I guess lol but we mainly do all of our celebrations on Christmas Eve, which is Noche Buena in Spanish! And Christmas Day tbh is just a regular day expect we mainly eat left overs from the previous dinner and just watch movies! But when I was younger we would decorate cookies and gingerbread houses! This year we made some cookies for my dogs because one of them is born on Christmas Day so we’ll be safely decorating those! I am so sad though we won’t have tamales this year because this is usually where I go HARD with the food lol what about you?! Is there a favorite thing you do on Christmas?!

Okay bestie the lottery update WAS SO PERFECT ESPECIALLY FOR THE HOLIDAY SEASON!!! This felt like such a cute and very heartwarming part of their story! Him dressing up as Santa for her and the kids was sooo 😭 he loves her bad! Hottest Santa tbh lol anyways, that brunch moment was just as adorable! And the jewelry being moon themed 😭😭😭 I love seeing these moments where he’s letting himself just be with her! I absolutely loved reading it and it was such a cute fluffy piece to read! Loved it!

Have the most wonderful Christmas ever Sam! I hope you’re able to have so much fun and enjoy all the foods you want! You deserve to treat yourself! Love you lots and sending all the love!💕-💜

Oh I know that I would be in mourning when the day you leave 😭

He was so evil for that because I was just starting to not be affect that much lol but I’m just a simple girl!

It totally makes sense that you’re a good recipe follower! As much as I try I always tend to add something because I just can’t resist lol and I feel you on the holiday spirit! I’m just so not into this year which sucks because I love Christmas! Not even holiday themed food is doing it for me! (I will eat up anything peppermint and gingerbread flavored!) also take as much time as you need! Your series are great but I do understand wanting to take a break from them!

That is actually so cool!! I would have never known that but I do love that you’re such a MA lover! And I wasn’t ever a pie person either but I’ve changed lol growing up I used to be obsessed with muffins but now idk when was the last time I ate one!

My brother is the same way! He has these phases where he hyper fixates on something(I’m the same too lol) and he goes all out!!

Oh the moon made my dogs go crazy! Like they were howling at random times during the night which they never do!-💜

I thought I could squeeze all my responses into one post!

I'm so sorry to hear your mom isn't doing as well this week, I hope this recovery is quick. That's so tough and emotional around the holidays. My mom is the center of my world so I can only imagine how you're feeling. That's super cool how you do stuff on Christmas Eve! I think it's telling that food isn't helping the season either (I think you should keep trying on this front though, you can't go wrong with peppermint or gingerbread lol) I'm sorry about the tamales :( That's the worst when you want the food you're used to having. It's so sweet you decorated cookies for your pups. I love that for you all. So cute! I hope you enjoy the holiday anyway, even if it's a little different this year. It sucks you had a moment this weekend. I totally get it I feel like I'm on the brink a lot lately. Not sure if there's anything that will fix it tbh. But I think doing some of the traditions you're used to, even when you don't want to help a bit. I made brownies yesterday and that was really nice. Soothed a little something for me lol. It also helped eating some of the batter. I've also been plucking away through my xmas movies line up. Do you have a favorite Christmas movie?

We have two parties to go to today--one friend, and one family--and then we run around like crazy tomorrow to visit our families. I don't know if I have any specific traditions honestly. The only one I can think of is getting an ornament with the year and my name on it every year from my grandma (until she was in a nursing home and couldn't do it any longer and my mom took over--my grandma has since passed away but I do think it's a nice way to remember her). Now the ornaments are usually themed around something that happened to me during the year (like when I got my license, my mom got me a license ornament, graduation was a cap/gown ornament, moved into an apartment, etc. etc.) My sister informed me she wants to be a matching pajama family (no shade to those families but idk if that's for me). Being from the New England area (and having a dad who is all about sports) my sister jokes our tradition of watching ESPN all day while we open presents is there as well. But since I don't live at home I don't see that lol. Honestly, I hate not being home on Christmas morning though. I think it'll be different once I have a house and kids of my own, but I def took that stuff for granted before I moved out. Even with my bf, Christmas morning is kind of lonely if that makes sense.

I'm going to end on a high note with thanking you for the sweet words about The Lottery. I figured if I wasn't feeling super Christmas-y then Harry and Peach could 💕 I'm glad you enjoyed 💕

Have a lovely day and holiday! I hope your mom feels better and you do too. Have something gingerbread for me 💕 LOVE YOU!!!

xoxo

#💜

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jodilin65 · 8 years ago

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THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 29, 2016 They said our glasses should be ready today, so hopefully we can pick them up tomorrow because I still can’t stand progressives and I can’t get used to them either.

I have been feeling much better lately. No earaches or heartburn. Minimal fatigue and lightheadedness too, though these two symptoms are a bit more noticeable today.

This could be the last summery day I get to enjoy. The temperature is about to drop like a rock and this weekend we might even get our first rain in many months.

This weekend we’re going to make a point of not doing much because he really needs to catch up on his sleep. This should be the last week of the intense OT. So besides grocery shopping, a little bit of yard work, and changing the rats’ cage, not much else will be going on.

He cracked me up earlier. I have a necklace holder that’s a round disk with hooks that sit on a pole. With empty space in the middle, I placed a doll there that’s dressed a bit suggestively. He joked about her being a “pole dancer.” It was so funny because while the guy is the smartest person I’ve ever met and the most honest and responsible, he’s always been on the quiet side and with a dry sense of humor much like Stacey is. I guess I’m just attracted to that type. :-) Calm, intelligent, real, mature, tolerant, dependable, drug and alcohol-free.

So his jokes are even more special because he doesn’t always make them in the way that I do, and oh, how I miss Stacey so much even though it hasn’t even been two months. Just like Tom, she’s pretty much my opposite, but that’s what I like about her. There’s enough common ground to relate to, but enough differences to keep things interesting and balance each other out.

I’m just kind of surprised. Tom is really the only one with these qualities that I’ve ever attracted. An individual like me just doesn’t expect a prominent psychologist to like her. Especially one that treated me. I still believe – or at least I hope – that she is somehow in my future. A part-time friendship would be just fine with me.

I haven’t been updating every day like I used to due to being very busy and not really having much to update. Sometimes I think I have more dreams to update than real life, LOL.

I don’t know why I would be seeing Doc O, but last night I dreamed that I went to see her and she was friendlier than I’d ever known her to be in real life. I also don’t know why I was sitting on the exam table and asking her about some “white residue” on the soles of my feet, but dreams are just weird like that.

She started off by asking how I was. I said I was almost there, but was curious about what was on my feet. Then she told me she loves reading my blog.

Then the spider nightmare just had to wake me up. Tom and I spotted a spider that was huge and it had a tail too, that zigzagged around its body.

Then I dreamed that I was in the Twenties’ house, only it was square instead of rectangular, and there were bedrooms on three corners of the house.

Jon was in the kitchen while I was standing in his living room. His laptop was open and I could see a romantic Valentine's card he posted to his wife’s Facebook wall. I felt a split-second tinge of jealousy, knowing that I would never receive such a card from Tom via email. He was calling her Samantha, though, instead of Carolyn.

She suddenly appeared and they were both talking about going shopping and acting as if I wasn’t there. Just as they were about to leave without seeing me out first, I said, “I’ll turn the light off.” I then followed them out of the house.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 28, 2016 Last night I dreamed Andy died of some infection. Lucky for him I haven’t been very psychic lately, though it could still mean he’s in for some shit of some kind. Just nothing deadly.

I also dreamed about Tom and I hanging out in this huge truck. It was like a semi. He moved a couch toward the middle of it and I thought that was a good place for it because it would “balance” the truck better there.

Aly is still claiming that her Wi-Fi is out. Like I said, I had my suspicions the first time around when I contacted her and she went quiet for several days, but now she’s rather obvious after contacting her a second time. That’s okay. Two can play this game. I tweeted on the account I contacted her from about being really busy and that it may take me a while to get back to anybody who’s looking for me there.

She tweeted twice yesterday by saying that it was day 2 with no Wi-Fi. Yet she was able to tweet that and how she’ll get to tweets and messages as soon as she can?

I have been blessed with two good days so far… no earaches, and just mild dizziness and fatigue.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 27, 2016 Although being on days is noisier, I definitely feel better emotionally when on days. Today’s been amazing, but sadly I know these days are scarce. I’ve had NO earaches, just mild dizzies and a little fatigue.

Aly tweeted that she cried herself to sleep yesterday and that her Wi-Fi was out. Coincidently or not, this happens after a moment of weakness where I shared my empathy with her on her depression. So maybe I was wrong about the karma thing? Either way, while I know I shouldn’t give a damn about her any more than I give a damn about a grain of dirt, I couldn’t help but feel bad for her. Anxiety may be worse, but depression is plenty bad enough.

Then she goes and tweets something that makes absolutely no sense, and also says that she’ll get to tweets and DM’s later. Then I start to wonder if she’s mindfucking me. Pretty sure she’s keeping in touch more often with Kim on other sites anyway, so I just wonder if she’s using the Wi-Fi as an excuse to make me wait and I wonder if she’s going to reply or not, but I know she isn’t going to. Damn. Six months after getting dumped and I still think of her, look in on her, and contact her. It’s getting less often, but really, why can I just file her away in the past like I need to?

Tom decided he missed us having an “allowance,” so we’re each going to spend $25 if we want to every time we order bedding for the rats. That’s every other week or so, but it may be longer because we plan to downsize Cappy. The wooly bastard doesn’t need such a big cage. He’s going in a smaller cage that we got in Oregon.

Anyway, when we order I am going to get a pair of knee-high brown boots. I have short black boots, so this will add a little variety. Plus I’m going to get a long-sleeved dress. Dresses in the winter haven’t been very practical for me because I only have sandals and sneakers. My purple sparkly shoes don’t go with everything, and the inner soles are fucked up anyway. I picked out a simple cotton dress in Wineberry.

Today I received my snake necklace and it’s beautiful. I also love how they gave me an extra gold choker chain.

I got batteries to light up and make my fish swim in the lamp aquarium, too. It’s not overly realistic, but it’s nice. I’m sure it’ll be better at night, though.

The Twenties returned yesterday, and no one’s been next door all morning.

I wish it were November already so we could get on with the elections. So sick of hearing about Trump and Hillary everywhere I go! It’s almost as if most people have forgotten that there’s more to life than just politics.

Tammy emailed me to let me know she’s recovering and doing better, so that was good to know.

Chatted with Joe the mailman. When it came up that I once lived in Arizona he asked if I knew if there was anything going on down there right now that makes it hard for people to breathe.

Not that I know of, I told him.

He said his nephew visited from Colorado and went home coughing up blood. He then went to the emergency room and they had to admit him because he had a really bad case of pneumonia.

Well, I don’t know if there’s a connection or not but I do know that when Andy visited a few years ago he had breathing issues. I had problems with tightness when I lived there, even long after I quit smoking and stopped wheezing.

And yet another house is up for sale here. It’s about three houses down, heading toward the freeway.

I have been on a major writing frenzy on top of all the other things I do, so I have definitely been keeping busy. In two days I’ve written 5000 words! Story’s about 35K words now.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 26, 2016 Just finished some cleaning and next, I will get focused on my story. I didn’t work on it over the weekend.

Quick health update. No earaches today or yesterday, but I have been dizzy. Really can’t say for sure if the dizziness is connected to my ear or not. The only other annoyances – anything is better than anxiety – is heartburn and I’ve had occasional lung tightness. I think the lungs are mostly due to the fact that we have too many rats right now. I really shouldn’t have any more than two at a time.

I was thinking about how all my life no one’s been made to pay for wronging me and how karma seems to forget them. Based on most of Alison’s tweets, I’d say she’s a classic example of how the karma rule doesn’t apply to you if it’s me you screw over, be it in a big way or a small way. I know she’s had some pretty shitty days, but I’d say that for the most part, she’s doing great lately. Really wonder if the leukemia was made up, Along with the FBI, but I’ll probably never know for sure.

I get her claims of me being overly critical, but even though she does seem happy (unless it’s just a show for me and she’s deliberately hiding her misery), I don’t see how I was responsible for bringing her down like she said I did. If I brought her down then it was with my honesty and this goes to prove once again that she only likes an honest person when they tell her what they want to hear.

My main blog received a direct hit from Napa Valley, which is between here and San Francisco. I know that I can have a local viewer as far down as Salinas, assuming it’s not a proxy because Tom showed up as being there when he checked me out one time from work. Knowing this, it always makes me wonder if it’s somebody I know. The closer the viewer, the more I wonder. Wonder if Stacey will ever get curious enough to check out my blog. I’m careful what I say in it, especially about her.

I also wonder about the Corpus Christi view I just got, also a direct hit, near a state living center. Molly? I still can’t believe she would either be kept offline this long or lose interest in me. She would have to finally lose interest in Aly in order to lose interest in me, and that seems unlikely. She should know that we’re no longer friends, and therefore I may no longer be of interest or her. She only followed me to see what I might say about Alison.

Back to the main point… God would bless someone who dumped me and hurt me emotionally with good fortune if there is one.

The Twenties haven’t returned yet, but I guess that when you’re retired, you don’t need to stick to a schedule. Alexa’s blasting one of my playlists and I STILL hear Bob’s blower. :(

Found Stacey’s kid, Noah, on Twitter. As suspected, the kid’s in his late teens – early 20s. Makes sense that she had him later in life with all the moving and studying she did. Can’t figure out if she’s from Maryland or Texas, but am pretty sure this isn’t her native state.

Anyway, the kid’s a cross between dumbfuck and asshole just based on the two tweets I saw of his that were posted in 2012. He’s dumb enough to leave his cell number and name his high school, then brags about being bored as fuck in the computer lab and trolling other kids with his “brother,” which I realized isn’t a relative. I thought only blacks called each other brother/homie, but apparently not. He was looking for people to hang with, and “later mofos.”

So typical high school immaturity.

Can’t get my fucking earbuds to work. If I knew they’d be hit or miss to use I never would’ve bothered. I’ll have to drown Bob’s blower out with the sound machine instead. I can’t believe how fucking long it takes him to do his tiny little lot. Is it fun or something?

Last night I dreamed of attending a Valleyhead reunion, nothing I’d ever go cross-country for. I’d attend only if it were local and I could meet with those that were there when I was there.

I saw Becky there and a girl called Jojo. I wasn’t close to Jojo as I was with Becky, but we all chatted happily. Someone asked about the weather here and was surprised when I told them we can go 4-5 months without rain.

I’m now charging the earbuds. Hopefully, that’s all they need.

So I wonder who’s going to be president, Trump or Hillary. My first thought is Hillary because most people adore blacks and Trump hates blacks. In fact, he hates everybody. I have nothing against gays and women, but this guy hates them as well as blacks and Muslims. Because of this hatred, I lean towards Hillary. However, I’m just as quick to guess it will be Trump because of the way our society favors males.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 25, 2016 Going to the store soon. Yesterday my ear ached like crazy and I was dizzy. Dizzy today too, but no ear pain yet. I oiled it today and yesterday and took a Benadryl before bed yesterday. Not sure if the dizzies are connected to my ear or not, but I still think I’m having more issues with the inner ear tube draining fluid. Whenever I feel drainage in the back of my throat, it feels better.

Dizzy, fatigued, in pain… I’m just sick of this shit! At least I don’t feel my erratic periods. I had a couple of days of spotting, a couple of days of a heavier flow, then nothing yesterday. Today I’ve spotted, though.

So how long has my dentist been following me on Pinterest? Is it even her? Well, her profile pic doesn’t look anything like her, but maybe it’s her daughter. Some of the boards seem like things I would think she’d be interested in, but some don’t. There’s nothing Hawaiian-related and she loves Hawaii as much as I do.

I don’t know her middle name, but when I checked, I did find someone with her name in Folsom. There’s also someone with her name but no middle initial here in Citrus Heights.

Got a kiddy Sonicare toothbrush and it’s the best electric one I’ve had as of yet. It’s great for small hands and sits in a charger. This way I don’t have to keep changing batteries. I love the way it beeps every 30 seconds, signaling that it’s time to move to the next quadrant. After two minutes it turns itself off.

Later…

Went to Walgreens and Walmart. At Walgreens, I got this really cool “fish aquarium” I can’t use yet. That’s because I didn’t know it took six C batteries, and we only have one. It’s supposed to look like live fish swimming in a mini aquarium.

I also got 4 new wax fragrances… Indigo Nights, Midnight Garden, Sea Grass, and Day’s End.

At Walmart, I got a small bottle of White Diamonds perfume and smaller-size boy short undies. Yeah, I don’t know why my booty’s shrunk, but 6-7 seems to fit it best these days.

Before shopping, we stopped for gas and went through a car wash. The car really needed it, too. The car sits still as the brushes move over it and you’d swear you were the one moving at times.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 23, 2016 Oh, yes, yes, yes, YES!!! When I was out on a late-night walk I saw that the house on the opposite corner was up for sale. This is awesome! This is the one where the contractor would sometimes saw and hammer shit in his garage ALL day long. I recently saw a huge U-Haul over there and was hoping it meant they were moving, but I had my doubts because they seemed too young for downsizing or nursing homes.

I never did complain on them, as close as I was to doing so because I knew it wouldn’t do me any good. It’s all considered daytime noise, and while you can’t leave dogs outdoors round the clock here, there are no special rules about noise here any more than there is elsewhere. However, my guess is that they got complained on for the daily racket they used to make and that I actually haven’t heard in many months by the house next to them. No matter where you live, that’s got to be a bit much for just about anyone to listen to as often as it used to go on. So I suspect that the house with the kids started to move because they were fed up with it so close to their place, complained, got them to shut up, decided to stay here, but then the contractor decided it was time to return to the mainstream where noise like that is more tolerated. Hopefully, whoever moves in there won’t use the garage for the same reasons. That’s a BIG house, too. I’m guessing three or four bedrooms.

That’s the good news. The bad news (besides the fact that the earaches, dizzies and heartburn are back) is that there are signs all over the park for Oktoberfest and the live band they plan to have. First time I’ve seen signs around the park for an event. If that live band isn’t indoors you bet I’m going to complain on that one for sure! We came here to escape other people’s music (among other things), not to have to listen to the thumping of base in here for several hours, regardless of how seldom it may be. I don’t make others listen to my music and their music shouldn’t be forced on me either. I think that by allowing this shit it only helps pave the way for loud car stereos to end up in here like crazy. It isn’t that they currently have any rules banning them, but I think that allowing live bands would only encourage people to blast car stereos more often.

Just took my daily ibuprofen as my ear is at its worst ever. I also had an earache which called for them when I got up to pee. Really think I might need my head x-rayed or something. I hate to add yet more appointments to the calendar, but this is ridiculous. Really don’t think this is just damaged nerves. It wouldn’t have taken a decade to affect me if that was the case. Something ain’t kosher.

Walked for 18 minutes and felt fine afterward.

Had a couple of Aly dreams. In one of them, I convinced her to take me to work with her, hoping we could patch things up this way, but hanging out with her at work really meant waiting for her in her car, LOL.

She waved to a couple of people who were outside their homes along the way, and I thought wow, she really knows a lot of people around here.

Then it hit me that we were on opposite schedules and it was to be too hot to be sitting in a car all day. I begged her to turn around and take me back, apologizing profusely for not thinking ahead.

Sure enough, she was pissed and she did a screeching U-turn to bring me back.

Then in another dream, we were happily hugging each other, glad to have made up and decided to be friends again. I was practically in tears of joy, but you know what? She threw me away like yesterday’s trash in reality and I’m not “trash” that can be recycled. Not if I’m smart I won’t be. Even if we were suddenly friends again, I couldn’t trust her or believe everything she told me. I would also just worry that she was going to dump me again. So if I’m smart I’ll ignore any contact from her, but I honestly don’t expect to ever hear from her. She’s pretty determined and set in her mind to keep me out of her life.

I also had a dream about rearranging around 20 bottles of nail polish of all different colors and being by a swimming pool on a cruise ship.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 22, 2016 Getting the fucking fatigues and dizzies now. If it ain’t peri, it’s gotta be my ear. I gotta take Ibuprofen nearly every day now. I stopped oiling it daily cuz it wasn’t doing me any good. It might’ve helped a little, but not much. Will start oiling again in October to make it easier for the ENT.

Yesterday I had ok energy but felt oddly out of breath, dizzy and even a bit nauseous after going out walking with Tom.

Still wishing I could know if Tom’s right in thinking I really will hear from Stacey someday if I don’t contact her first. But when? I just wish I knew what she had planned when. If I knew this, then I could better decide on what I should do. If I knew she’d contact me after it’s been 6 months to a year, I’d just sit back and wait patiently. If not, I could plan to contact her sometime next year.

Do I think I’d hear from her if I didn’t contact her? My guess is no. Like with Johnson, there was never any doubt or question in the end as to whether or not she liked me. That became obvious. But look how wrong I was to believe I really would hear from Johnson eventually. Ok, so Stacey’s not Johnson, but still… I gotta go by past experience.

Had a weird dream involving Nane. I was flying on a plane to Germany and I told whoever was sitting next to me that it was my third trip there. Then we were there and riding on a bus or something like that. It was getting dark out.

“Is this Munich?” I started to ask. Then we passed by a couple of lighted windows and I somehow knew that it was Nane’s apartment because I recognized it from pictures. In real life, she lives on the fourth floor and I’ve never seen pictures other than via satellite.

I spotted Nane in her “pond” in her large living room. She was swimming in it.

A split second later I was in her building. Her apartment door was open and I was in a large room across the hall, which also had its door open. She floated just under the surface of the water and then she appeared from the shoulders up and wrung her hair out with her hands. I called out to her and she quickly looked in my direction. I don’t know if she knew who I was, and she never said anything in response when I told her to get in touch with me either. She just continued to eye me warily yet curiously.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 21, 2016 Cut out my diet, caffeine-free soda to see if it would lessen my heartburn. Not sure if it has or not, but I was wrong in saying I don’t miss the stuff. After eating I wanted to go to Niagara Falls, turn it into soda, and just stand under it with my mouth open, guzzling it by the gallons.

Last night I felt a bit overwhelmed, but not to the point where I broke down in tears. Except for the wisdom and maturity we acquire with age, aging really does suck. Earaches, obesity, heartburn, fatigue, lightheadedness, shitty vision, anxiety, ingrown/fungal nails, joint stiffness, perimenopause, high cholesterol, Hashimoto’s…

For the longest time, I’ve hated people in general. I still do for the most part. I think that most people are phony, out to serve themselves, and not very intelligent. I know I’m not perfect myself and that we all tend to be a little selfish in some ways. Even if we don’t realize it, I think we all want to benefit in some way from our relationships, whether they’re intimate or not. Of course I would rather be friends with Stacey than my neighbor. Stacey and I have shared an awful lot about each other in just the eight sessions we had together and we formed a bit of a bond in the end. So naturally, I would want to be friends with someone I felt more connected to, relaxed with, and who really understood me.

Lately, I find myself wishing that I was around more people more often, but just like you can’t force love, you can’t force friendships either. At least I never could. Anyone I’ve ever come to care about, whether I was attracted to them or not, was totally unplanned and accidental.

As Tom and I were discussing last night and as I totally agree, I have become way more critical and less tolerant with age. I totally admit it. Fortunately, I’m usually good at recognizing my faults. I’m just not always as good at changing them.

When I was younger I put up with a lot more shit from people that I would never put up with now. I’d never be friends with the likes of Kevin “Nervous” or Fran. But to me, friendships were sacred and worth doing whatever you had to do to hang onto them. The older me feels that while all relationships of any kind may need some work, if you have to work that hard, then you’re probably with the wrong person. Again, intimate or not, too many disagreements and compromises usually equal a bad match.

The question is where do you draw the line? Yes, I need to be less critical and more accepting, but unless it’s something really big and really obvious, there seems to be a fine line between what most would consider being intolerant versus what most would consider being too tolerant.

I realize that this is a subjective matter. We all have different definitions of what healthy relationships are versus toxic relationships. Hell, many people consider getting their asses beat as “healthy,” but lay one finger on me and you’re dead and then I’ll dump you. So some things would be obvious as far as where to draw the line, but others I’m not so sure about.

Alison decided to draw the line with my criticism, which in my mind was being totally upfront and honest, something I thought people wanted in a friendship.

Paula decided to draw the line when I tried to explain to her why staying here for two weeks would be a bit long for everybody, thinking what I was really saying was that I didn’t want to see her at all.

Maliheh dumped me after she was confident that I wouldn’t use her name in a story.

Andy said he was “just being honest,” when I let him know I’d had enough of his judgmental, arrogant ways and his “cloning.” Meaning that he automatically assumed I felt/thought the same way he did about almost everything.

I have cut ties with many people over the years and they have cut ties with me as well. In both cases, I’m sure that many unbiased people who could look at the situation objectively would say that sometimes I deserved to be dumped and other times I truly didn’t. But was I wrong to dump Nane for being a hypocrite or should I just have “tolerated” it and told myself that that was simply how she was? Well, maybe if she were a coworker I had to see almost every day, a little more tolerance would have been in order. But for a woman in Germany that I never met and never would meet, was hanging onto her really worth it?

So again, just where do I draw the line? Some things are obvious and other things I’m just not sure. I suppose the smart thing to do would be not to ask myself what I thought most others would do in a certain situation, and just go with my own gut instinct.

As horrible and as unfair as jail was, and as miserable as I felt both physically and emotionally, I did like the structure, routine, and meeting different people, even if a lot of them were fucked up and I felt smothered most of the time. Even the most social of people need space and privacy every now and then. Well, you’ll almost never get this in jail. I think what I liked best about meeting so many different people (particularly the DOs) were all the story ideas they inspired. Someone like my mother would have said, “What was the point? You didn’t gain anything from your stupid stories.”

No, I didn’t. They had no monetary value whatsoever. But I did gain the enjoyment of writing them. I was raised to believe most things should be done for profit, and while I love money the same as the next gal, sometimes I just like to have fun. Like Tom even said, money isn’t everything.

Will I ever again be around people regularly? Probably not. I don’t intend to ever go back to jail and I can’t see myself ever living in a nursing home, so unless one of the Staceys of the world surprises me (and there would be fewer Staceys if I could just get healthier, less anxious, and not need to see so many doctors), I doubt I’ll ever be that sociable. But as I also told Tom, that in itself has some good in it. Everything has its pros and cons. I guess it’s just a matter of what set of pros and cons you prefer, not that everyone has a choice. Tom has no choice but to associate with his coworkers because he has to have a job and he has to work.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 20, 2016 Last night I took a walk in the very warm evening air, and tonight I think I’ll just focus on the Bowflex. Funny how one can look like shit yet fantastic for their age. Either way, this shit-great body is in good shape.

The Twenties will be back from vacation soon. Vacations always seem to go too fast when it’s your neighbors that are vacationing. I just know the projects will start back up as soon as they return. If not, someone else will be sure to do something.

Started having spotting, but like Tom and I both agree, I was probably just having a good estrogen day the day of testing. I still say my symptoms really smack of perimenopause. But maybe normal isn’t normal for me just like with my thyroid numbers. Their normal thyroid reference range flips me from hypo to hyper and I have to remain borderline to have my own personal “normal.” So maybe normal estrogen is peri for me and maybe my estrogen numbers weren’t normal before I started having peri symptoms.

In last night’s dream, I decided for some reason that I wanted a guinea pig. Since getting into rats I haven’t missed having them for pets or any other breed of rodent. Other rodents just don’t have that doglike behavior and intelligence. But it was the beginning of summer and I really wanted one all of a sudden. Tom insisted that we wait until the end of summer and I didn’t understand why since we had plenty of money.

Then we were browsing through a pet store. Next to a rabbit family were several cages side-by-side and each one had a dead bird in it. It seemed strange to me that the employees hadn’t removed them and that none of the customers complained either.

Then I was in a gift shop inspecting horse and ballerina figurines and decided to buy one of the ballerinas.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 19, 2016 Went on a quick walk with Tom around the circle twice and have been short of breath ever since. Hope that, along with the sharp chest cramps I get every now and then after exercise, isn’t related to my heart, but that’s why I have a stress test scheduled. I still think my pump and pipes are fine if I had to guess. Maybe it’s just a little Sunday night anxiety.

Tapping and chicken wings to the rescue!

Later…

Three entries and I’m still not sure if that diary is Aly’s or not. There are a few things that have me doubting it, especially a wedding she attended for a guy named Aaron. Maybe she did attend someone’s wedding. I just would’ve thought she would’ve tweeted it. So I’m getting doubtful.

I haven’t blogged publicly for a couple of days because I really haven’t had anything to update. I’ve actually been getting more enjoyment out of my voice blog than my text blog lately. I guess I can mention some sleep stuff and dreams, though.

Last night I slept ok, but shitty as hell the day before. I was SO fatigued. I even felt a bit lightheaded, too. At this point, I don’t give a shit if he can’t fix the circadian rhythm problem. Yes, it makes life a bit of a bitch, but right now all I really want to do is sleep a lot better than I have been. Sleeping well once or twice a week just isn’t enough. I’m walking around like a zombie more than half the time and it’s affecting the quality of my life.

Started reading the sleep pamphlet the doctor gave me, and while most of it I already knew and is pretty obvious, there are a few interesting tips and pointers it mentions.

I knew common sources of caffeine were found in coffee, chocolate, energy drinks, etc., but it also says that common pain relievers have caffeine as well.

Exercise should end six hours before sleep, and electronic devices should be turned off a half hour before bed.

Naps should be avoided, especially after three p.m., and if you’re unable to fall asleep within 20 minutes, you should get up and try a quiet activity until you feel tired.

My heartburn has improved since I stopped drinking soda and started eating less.

I had two dreams involving Stacey. In one dream I was chatting with her in her office, and in another, I was hanging out with her. She said something about me hanging out with her for the weekend or me choosing to hang out with her for the weekend.

I don’t think I would ever hang out with anyone for an entire weekend, LOL. Too many other things I like to do, weekend or not.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 18, 2016 Spotted a new account that kinda reeks of Aly on Prosebox. It’s written Aly-style and says things she would say like giving up keeping an online diary for a while because it’s hard to invest in something like that without the drama. Also, she won’t expect certain responses but won’t get upset when she doesn’t get them either. She needs “freedom” in her diary, too.

That last statement is the only thing that makes me wonder if it’s really her. Certainly, she’s smart enough to know that if you want true “freedom” then you have to go private or stay offline. Nobody has the “freedom” to express themselves in public without offending someone somewhere, even if it’s with the most innocent of topics. So to expect “freedom” in a public diary is naïve.

I also can’t believe she’d call her diary just “Diary,” but we’ll see. There you can follow people without them knowing it, so I followed her and we’ll see what happens. If it’s her she won’t stick it out for long. I should probably just play it safe and block her, but now I’m curious. If it’s her, she’ll be smart enough to figure out who “Peyton” really is if she finds me, and she’ll tell Kim, and then they can go back to playing their blocking game. I don’t want to give them that privilege if I can help it.

Then again, with my luck, they never planned to return after I changed accounts to know they could no longer block an account that no longer exists. Had I kept my old account, they’d still be there.

Slept horribly last night, and without lorazepam. The doctor did say that sometimes things like that can make a problem worse, and I have no immediate appointments, so there’s no need to take it. Really thought I’d sleep longer. Instead, I fell asleep later than yesterday, woke up 6-7 times, and got up at the same time as yesterday. I slept roughly 6 hours and got up once to pee, and woke up warm a couple of times. I don’t know why I woke up the other times.

Despite being super fatigued, I was unable to nap. So I’m doing things in spurts as I get bursts of energy.

Some of my Fitbit info is a crock. It always tells me it took me 0 minutes to fall asleep when it’s usually 30-60, and it tried to tell me I only woke up once last night. I don’t think I’ve woken up just once in years.

At this point, if he can’t get me on a schedule, fine. I just want to sleep! I want to be awake. I want to do things and to live my life without feeling so damn out of it.

The only good thing is that yesterday I noticed my boobs weren’t so damn sore anymore. Right now I feel faint traces of phantom cramps, as I call them.

So I guess I’ve had heart failure without the failure, and hot flashes without the perimenopause. Seriously, though, my symptoms really do smack of perimenopause. Tom and I both agree I probably really do have perimenopause and that I just had a good estrogen level on the day of testing. The symptoms are just too obvious, just like it was obvious that the levothyroxine was making me anxious. So Doc C didn’t believe I was thyrotoxic and Doc A doesn’t think I’m a perigirl.

Doc C is now married, and let me guess… her sex life is just perfect, right? She just seems to be one of those who has it all, even though logic tells me no one’s life is ever perfect. But just how “hard” or unique are her so-called hardships? Was she ever poor? Was she ever afraid to drive? Could she ever not keep a schedule? Was she ever forced into celibacy for long periods of time due to attracting the wrong people and not getting enough interest from the right people? Did she ever spend any of her teens as a ward of the state?

Perfect or near-perfect life or not, love can last, but passion dies over time. They’re not going to lust for each other the way they do now in another decade or two.

I’ve had more orgasms with this little pink vibrator than I’ve had in a year, which is nice, but a little sad. It’s a little sad that developing an even bigger crush on Stacey’s sister has increased my libido (till that fizzles and fades), but even if I were with someone I was hot for, I suppose there’d be no guarantee they’d be available when the hornies struck. But yeah, even though Lisa’s pic isn’t that great, she seems better looking than her older sister and has been a great muse for The Wrong Sister.

Last night I dreamed of visiting Andy in prison. He was in on child pornography charges. Then I walked with him to a part of what I guess was the prison where music was playing really loud. I turned a round wooden dial on the wall and lowered the volume.

I also changed the rats’ cage in a dream and used these gross sticky lettuce leaves to line the cage while the rats “vibrated” in a steel basket nearby. I laughed at the way it rattled.

Then Kate Jackson was in a dream. Not sure what that one was about. It seemed she was finally ready to divulge something to me that I had been curious about and that she’d been holding back on.

Lastly, I was asleep in the bedroom I had in the house I spent my first 12 years in. I woke up to the sound of loud music playing in the bathroom. I got up to investigate and found no one in it and so I turned the radio off that was sitting atop the counter before it could wake the others up. The other 3 bedroom doors were shut and I knew my parents and siblings were asleep behind them, even though I was my present age.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 17, 2016 Wow, 110 followers on Pinterest now, huh? Well, I do have something like 11.2K pins.

Fitbit thinks my resting HR is just 76 cuz I’ve only been wearing it to bed, LOL. While I’m THRILLED to be anxiety-free, I still think it’s more like 85-90, probably 90.

I’ve been doing great both physically and emotionally. I don’t know how long it will last, but I sure as hell am enjoying it while it does. Still don’t sleep all that great, and I still wonder if the sleep disorder specialist can help me, but once upon a time I doubted Stacey could help with my anxiety yet she did. Where my other counselor failed, Stacey was my miracle. Damn, do I miss her, too!

Everything but my sleep has been better. I’m not as lightheaded and I don’t have as many earaches. We may never know why I was lightheaded, but what’s most important is that it stopped. Hopefully, it won’t return either. The only way I could get lightheaded is if I go too long without eating.

My doctor said that (along with too high of a dose of levothyroxine) it’s a medical disorder that causes my anxiety. That means I can go for months without incident and then it could get me anytime. Usually, though, something has to be going on to trigger it or it’s physiological, so I’m really hoping my peace will last a lot longer this time. There were a few instances where I could have gone into a panic, but I think Stacey’s EMDR has helped to prevent that.

I know I’m back to normal when I don’t mind being alone so long when Tom works long hours, but that’s to be cutting back either way.

We both had our eye exams by the same doctor who saw us last year and everything took forever. This was at Walmart. We were there for over two hours, and OMG! I am really seriously beginning to wonder when they’re going to have laws in effect to crack down on screaming brats just like with blasting car stereos. It was horrible! Even closed up in the exam room you could still hear ear-piercing screams. It is just ridiculous how parents allow their kids to act like such animals. Later on out in the area where they take care of your prescriptions, and then at McDonald’s, I could barely hear a thing anyone said to me because there were screaming brats all around me.

Also seeing a disturbing number of Muslims lately. That’s a little unnerving with their known attitude and thirst for violence.

She said my close-up vision is a little worse, but my long-distance vision isn’t that much worse. I’m still officially farsighted whereas Tom is nearsighted. My OH is up a bit at 28. That’s what the air puffer said it was. She then put those numbing drops in my eyes and measured the pressure with a blue light that she said measures more accurately. Our old doc in Auburn did that. At that point, my left eye was lower than last year, but my right eye was up. This could have been because I was nervous about her touching my eyeballs with objects. It only took a second, though, to get the measurements. She said she’s not super worried at the moment and that I don’t need drops.

Tom was given drops, though, for his “crying” eye. His left eye waters pretty much all the time and they don’t know why. These drops may stop that. He still has a small cataract in one eye, but it hasn’t worsened. Grow up in the desert and you’re more likely to get cataracts. Good to know I grew up a Masshole then. And that I proofread this, or else it’d read: Throw up in the desert and you’re more likely to get cataracts.

They replaced one of Tom’s broken nose pads and tightened the glasses I’m currently wearing. Just two weeks or less left with these God-awful progressives, and then it’s back to my bubble bifocals and purple Candies. They don’t look nearly as good as my shiny $400 designer frames, but the older I get the more I care about comfort as opposed to appearance. I wouldn’t be a size 12 if I didn’t.

I could have bought new frames, but I would rather wait and have our insurance pay for them like they do every two years. I have just the perfect pair of children’s frames picked out for next year. I prefer glasses where the nose pads are part of the frame, and these frames not only have that, but they have colors I like, including shiny gemstones on the sides.

The only negative to going back to the round bifocals is that I lose the transitions. You can only have that with progressives or lines. The lines would probably be annoying even with an antiglare coating, which I am getting. Bubble bifocals have more of a smooth transition. The only other negative to them is that I lose mid-range vision. They’re all or nothing, and yes, it is a pain in the ass to be stuck in the middle where something is too close for the long-range and too far for the close-range. That’s not nearly as annoying, however, as the “swimming” effects of the progressives. I also hate having to look through a very specific spot in the progressives to see whatever. Shift my eyes and it’s all blurry. Screw that!

Left the dream notebook in the bathroom there. No local blog views, though, that I know of.

I now have something like 3.5 weeks off from appointments, and I’m gonna enjoy every second of it!

It was hot, dry and gorgeous out, but it’s supposed to cool off soon.

Tom needs to get a new regulator for the passenger car window because it keeps slipping down. Either the hook or the cable is broken. Despite being in a gated retirement community, having nothing valuable in the glove compartment, and how things are harder to steal from this kind of car, I didn’t like the idea of someone being able to reach inside an expensive luxury car, so he turned it around so that that window was not visible from the road.

As I told Tammy, it’s a good thing I haven’t been very psychic lately because last night I dreamed that one of my crowns fell out. I’ve had a few trivial dream premonitions, but that’s pretty much it.

I had an awesome night writing last night. Started my book on the 5th and as of last night I had over 25K words written. I wrote for about 4 hours straight, tapping out 4550 words. Very productive and loads of fun, even if I never make another penny from it. Good brain exercise, too.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 15, 2016 Was too busy/tired to write yesterday. Still a little tired, but after taking a nap at the end of what was an obnoxiously noisy day today, I think I can catch up now.

So I wake up to the tune of hammering as they take down the Twenties’ tent, and someone’s mutt yipping on the other side (probably as its owner stopped to chat with someone), then head for Roseville about an hour later.

The doctor’s in the Army Reserves, so I didn’t get to see her. Everyone else was there, including a new girl named Jessica. I told them about the sensitivity, and it turns out that it’s not so much because I have cavities, as it is gum inflammation. Holly suggests I go back to using an electric toothbrush, but get a kiddy one.

Shannan did an air test to see if that stirred up any sensitivity, but all the X-rays revealed were the start of a couple of tiny recessions in a couple of bottom teeth. I had a few 4’s on the gum probe, but I’ll get things back into better shape soon enough.

After I was scaled, polished, flossed, fluoride varnished, and given my goodie bag, we were off to a burger joint. All I felt like was an order of fries and a drink.

So 3 appointments down this month and 1 more to go come Saturday. We’re both getting our eyes checked by the same lady we used last time. I hope my OH isn’t up! Definitely doing away with progressives unless they say they can’t pop the old lenses on my purple Candies. Transition glasses are fine, but I hate the dizzying/blurring effect of progressives, and I prefer glasses where the nose pads are part of the frame and not separate. Nose pads tend to be too close to my eyes because I’m so small. It’s just that “bubble” bifocals can’t be put in my designer frames.

Wondering if something’s wrong with Simon because he’s been having breathing issues. All 3 of them were out and about last night and they like to do some tenting of their own. I put a piece of old material over the stepstool and they like to play under there when they’re not exploring.

Probably going to stop voice blogging on Tumblr because I’m having too many recording issues.

Although I haven’t been watery or bloated, my boobs have been uncharacteristically sore day after day. I’ve never had sore boobs after a heavy period.

The night before last I dreamed something about a suspected killer, and last night it was spotting a giant spider that I sprayed. Once sprayed it shriveled up, but then it flew toward me. Ugh.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 13, 2016 I met with Dr. S, the sleep disorder specialist/neurologist. This was in downtown Sacramento in the same building O is in, which meant a long ride with lots of traffic and that stupid valet parking. He’s on the fourth floor while Doc O was on the third floor. Got to go back to this same place two more times this year… to see him in November, and then to the cardiology department up on the sixth floor for my stress test in December. I have so many appointments! Just so, so many. I just cracked my 50s and all the appointments sometimes drive me batty. How am I going to handle getting old? I wonder. This month alone I have four appointments. Next up in two days is my dentist. She’s my second favorite doc, runner-up to Stacey. Really sweet person. So is her staff.

Dr. S seems like a nice guy, and he’s from here, which helps me to understand him better when he speaks. The foreign doctor with the funky accent routine gets old.

The nurse took me into the exam room, as is customary to do these days, and proceeded to tell me all about her fertility issues and her pet dog, as if I really cared, haha. The doctor didn’t leave me waiting long at all.

I had filled out a medical history form about my sleep habits, and he did a series of tests besides the usual things like listening to my heart. He had me stare straight at him and then he would hold up a set number of fingers toward his left or right, up or down, and ask how many fingers he was holding up. Then I had to touch his fingertip and then my nose, and a strength test of my arms and legs by having me push and pull against his arms.

He looked in my mouth and explained what it was he saw that made the dentist ask if I had sleep apnea. Well, I don’t officially have it, which is good, but because it’s a bit “crowded” in my mouth/throat, there is a risk. He explained that usually there’s space above the tongue, but I guess there isn’t in my case. He measured my neck too, which can also be a factor in sleep apnea. You don’t want to be over 18 inches if you’re a man or 16 inches if you’re a woman. I’m at 14 inches.

What I definitely do have is circadian rhythm disorder. I struggled with this most of my adult life, but I kept it secret for the most part because it wasn’t a known and understood problem that was documented in the medical journal before 1999, and I knew that most people would just tell me I was “lazy” or “stubborn” and “didn’t really want to keep a schedule,” so I never bothered to explain it to most people. Even now, as much as sleep knowledge/medicine has advanced, I don’t think many people would get it just like many people don’t get things like anxiety, depression or anorexia unless they have it themselves.

He said medication is always a last resort, and that’s a good thing with my fear of medication. Because I’m already in my 50s, while I would like to be able to be helped in order to keep the schedule, it won’t be the end of the world if I can’t be. I have a husband who loves me enough to support me despite my shortcomings, and while it may be a pain in the ass to live with, I’m content to keep on taking care of the house and my job as a writer and software tester. If it doesn’t require a schedule and you want to pay me to do something within my means… Bring it on. I’ll be more than happy to do it.

But maybe he can help me keep a schedule for longer periods of time. Just like Stacey didn’t make my anxiety go away but taught me how to manage it better, maybe it doesn’t have to be so all or nothing with the sleep issues.

Okay, so here’s what we’re going to do. He gave me a four-week sleep journal in which I’m supposed to document the times I went to bed and got up, how long it took me to fall asleep, how many times I woke up, what woke me up, how long I slept, my caffeine intake, exercise, medication, and if I ate close to bedtime.

I’ve got a good head start in that I only have one medication I take regularly and one cup of coffee after I’ve been up for a half-hour and my thyroid med has been absorbed (no caffeine will be allowed on stress test day). I also exercise 20 minutes or more most days, and I try to make a point of not eating much too close to whenever I’m going to fall asleep because it raises my risk of heartburn.

Another thing I’m going to be doing is gathering my Fitbit information for him.

He also gave me some information from Medscape to go over.

Saturday we’re both going to the eye doctor, then next month is ENT month. Like I said, it never ends.

After leaving Sacramento we stopped at the Panda Express. I was hesitant to do so because the last time I ate there in the ‘90s in a mall in Phoenix, I hated it. But I was starving and there wasn’t anything else around. It was surprisingly good, though. The fried rice was boring, but the steak and veggies were good, and the honey walnut shrimp was excellent.

After lunch, it was off to get my hair re-layered and trimmed. She took off about half an inch. I can keep on dying it if getting it trimmed every six months will help keep it from looking so shabby. If not, then I guess I’ll have to have either long gray hair or dyed hair that I keep shoulder-length.

We picked up our meds at Walmart and then gathered some findings in the jewelry section. We got jump rings and split rings, but the splits are hard to work with. Got to get more jump rings. Tom did manage to “magnetize” a couple of necklaces for me. :-)

The Twenties are still tented. I was hoping they would have removed it while we were gone so I wouldn’t have to listen to it when they did. At least I got to miss out on the Tuesday landscaping at Geri’s.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 12, 2016 I find it rather sad that so many black men these days choose to refer to their women as “bitches.” What’s up with that? These people have no respect for themselves, for each other, or for anyone else.

In a moment’s weakness, I played with Alison on Twitter and a little bit with Kim, too. Just speaking my mind, not that it will do me any good. I just don’t get it. A woman can forgive a man for beating the shit out of her, yet Aly can’t forgive me for telling her like it is/was. Kim ran and changed names and played her blocking game, of course, but Aly didn’t for some reason. Maybe she feels that that in itself would be a reaction she doesn’t want to give me.

Been watching Stalkers Who Kill. I think it’s pretty pathetic that these psychos were well known to the police in the cases presented yet the police refused to do anything to help the victims. Nice to know they really “protect and serve,” isn’t it?

Anyway, this park really needs to STOP with the damn water games. All I wanted to do was simply take a bath and try my new bath bomb yet tons of dirt was present in the tub as if we were back in Maricopa dealing with wells all over again. The showers and sinks don’t have dirt coming out of them because they have filters. Tom’s going to have to take a hose and drain the dirt from the hot water tank. And the sad thing is that it’s been a couple of weeks since the last shut-off, so I know the water’s due to be turned off again any day now. I probably shouldn’t be taking a chance by running the dishwasher like I am right now, but they usually do it earlier in the day.

Despite some sediment in the water and the bath bomb not quite smelling like Love Spell, it was a luxurious experience that left my skin soft enough not to need lotion.

The hot oily water removed my artificial nails but I was sick of them anyway. They look awesome but can be a real pain in the ass for a writer.

Feeling a bit lightheaded yesterday and today but I’m getting a lot done. I did a ton of housecleaning today.

Bob and Virginia had company yesterday. They were pretty quiet for at least half a dozen visitors. Again I was so glad we weren’t back in Phoenix! There would have been tons of screaming kids, fighting adults, barking dogs, blasting music, basketball games that went on all day just yards from our windows, and trash galore.

I wonder if it was Bob’s birthday. I know he’s to turn 87 this month.

The fumigators tented Jon and Carolyn who are now on vacation. I guess they’ll remove it tomorrow.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 11, 2016 Signing in with a mysterious sore throat (heartburn?) and bad news from Tammy. Yeah, if there really was a God I’d say it’s a real shit for letting her nearly die twice. Seriously she doesn’t deserve this! Well, nothing up there may give a shit, but her family does. The congestion wasn’t going away so Mark took her to the emergency room. They transferred her to intensive care and then eventually to a regular room. She was in the hospital for a few days altogether.

I turned my ringer off when I went to Dr. A and forgot to turn it back on. I saw the phone flashing so I knew I had a message. I decided not to call her back because she sounded so awful and as if she was struggling to speak. Her voice was very hoarse and raspy. I emailed her instead.

I guess there was either a problem with her other medication or it just wasn’t helping. They now have her on different antibiotics and all we can do is hope that this will help. I noticed she hadn’t been around as much online but thought she was busy catching up on things she hadn’t been able to do for a while. Kinda surprised the girls didn’t give me a heads-up.

Again I didn’t have a single dream hinting that trouble was up with her. The only dream I remember lately was about losing Burke. I was going up a small elevator with him in some building. The elevator had two doors. When one door opened I put him down on the floor of the elevator and told him to wait for a second for me while I quickly jumped out to do something. It then occurred to me that anybody could’ve called the elevator to their floor. Worried, I raced back to the elevator and opened the door. The elevator was still on my floor but the rat was gone.

I ran in a panic to some older lady in some kind of assistance office and asked if she could help me. “Of course,” she said, sitting down between two other women of similar age as I began to tell what happened.

In other news, we changed the rats’ cage this morning and filled out the forms for the sleep doctor I’m to see on Tuesday. Now I just hope my sister gets better and my sore throat goes away. I got up to pee in the middle of the night and a gush of acid flew up to my throat from my stomach. Maybe that’s why it’s sore?

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 10, 2016 Congrats to my dear hubby for once again making Employee of the Month!

Did an Amazon order because we needed some household items including bedding for these rats that seem to go through it like crazy. We have too damn many rats! LOL, I just wish they were more like cats and not so fucking terrified of everything. Burke has turned out to be a wonderful rat who’s a lot of fun, but all three of them scare so easily. If I just sneeze they’re terrified. Really, I get tired of this scaredy-rat crap after a while.

While I was at it I grabbed some magnetic jewelry clasps because I’m tired of dealing with lobster claw clasps. They are a pain in the ass even when my nails are shorter.

Got a rat calendar for next year, a rat coloring book for adults, flavored lip gloss, purple wireless earbuds, and a Love Spell bath bomb. I’ve always wanted to try one of those, and I love that particular scent.

I also ordered some fragrance oils, Choco Musk, Maple Syrup, Brown Sugar and Brown Sugar & Fig.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 9, 2016 Saw Dr. A this morning and it went well. However, I’m not sure I’m getting anywhere as far as solving the mystery of what’s making me fatigued and lightheaded a lot of the time. According to her numbers, I actually have good estrogen still. I was shocked to hear this after having what I really thought were symptoms of perimenopause all this time. If that’s not what I’m going through, then what hell might await me when I actually am?

We’re now wondering if my sleep issues could have a hand in it. It’s not just schedule issues I have, but I still wake up a lot. Today I feel the best I’ve felt since Tuesday, but who knows how I’m going to feel tomorrow or the next day?

I told her about Tammy’s heart attack and she asked how old she was. I told her, and also the fact that she smokes and is inactive.

So they did an EKG, which looks good, and soon I’m going to be getting a call to schedule to have a stress test done. She said that at first she was going to send me directly to a cardiologist, but decided to start with just the stress test.

I told her that the anxiety has been great since the spring and she asked if I was still seeing Stacey. I let her know she was on call and she was okay with that. When I told her it was too bad that Doc L left since she was the only shrink I ever met that wasn’t crazier than her patients, she laughed her ass off.

I told her I wasn’t sure if I was going to cancel the new shrink or not, since I don’t need the lorazepam too often, and she recommended waiting until it got closer since it takes three or four months to get an appointment.

She’s okay with me continuing on my own for a while longer as far as managing my own cholesterol goes, but I understand that sooner or later I’m going to have to go back on something.

Anyway, the sleep doctor is also a neurologist and hopefully he can tell me if I have sleep apnea or whatever else may be going on. Last I knew there was no cure for the non-24 issue, but maybe there’s new information I don’t know about. All I know is that I have had sleep issues all my life and the older I get the worse they get.

She recommended I see her again in three months, although she would be okay with six, so I’ll see her again in December. Gotta go to the lab the week before, as usual, for cholesterol, TSH and T4 testing.

We stopped at the Goodwill we don’t usually go to after the doctor, and neither of us found anything interesting. I don’t particularly like this one.

We also stopped at a fast food place where I got a breakfast platter loaded with cholesterol. :)

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 7, 2016 One sign that summer is nearing its end is when you can hear the freeway traffic, something that’s only possible in cooler weather. Not sure why, but it’s something about the heat and atmospheric pressure of the heat that prevents you from hearing it in here in the summer. In the summer you just hear the car stereos instead. I’d rather hear the vehicles themselves passing by.

Tom has left for another 12-hour day, but this should be it for a while. I’m not as exhausted as yesterday, but I do have a little bit of fatigue and lightheadedness. Yesterday really sucked, though. I was practically in tears of frustration. I barely had the energy to function. While I’m glad that I feel better today, it sucks to know it isn’t going to last long. I’m still having more energyless days than days when I have sufficient energy. It really affects the quality of my life at times because I have to really struggle to do things on bad days, only able to do them in small steps before I have to stop and rest. Today I am scrambling to get as much done as possible, knowing that my energy supply is limited. Tomorrow I could be back to feeling like I haven’t slept in a week. I slept better last night, though I still did wake up several times. I honestly can’t remember the last time I closed my eyes and didn’t open them again until it was time to get up.

Due to a combination of not having energy most days or the patience to finish my stories, even though I do get good ideas, I’m trying a new technique. This means that for the most part, I write this story as if telling it after-the-fact. It lets me write more content and faster too, this way. At least it seems to so far.

I didn’t see any workers at the Twenties yesterday and I haven’t seen them yet today either, which is a bit of a surprise. Right now the house across from Geri is being mowed and blowed. And I’m guessing that Bob – the ageless old man – will want to reach for his saw and hammer anytime now that the weather is cooling down. I’m armed with enough sound machines, he can’t have that many years left to enjoy these projects, so fine, let him make his grandkids a new birdhouse. Got Pandora cranked up right now. Kinda like CRZY by Kehlani.

Burke was so funny yesterday. He could tell I didn’t feel well and he worked really hard to cheer me up. He ran around all playful and damn is that rat fun, but hard to keep up with at times, LOL.

I guess that’s all for now. I’m just enjoying my energy while it lasts… and missing Stacey. I really wish she would call so I could update her and see if she thinks I should come in and see her or not. The more I think about it, though, the more I’m pretty sure I’ll never hear from her unless she hears from me first. Isn’t that the way it usually is, though?

And why are my boobs still sore after my period?

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 6, 2016 There is nothing more frustrating than your mind wanting to do things while your body simply won’t cooperate. Again I’m feeling like shit. I am so tired of feeling tired! I intend to discuss it with Dr. A when I see her Friday but even if there was medication for me, chances are my body won’t be able to tolerate it. It is SO frustrating when there might be medication for this or that but you can’t take it because your body can’t handle it. It’s almost as if something up there wants me to suffer.

I was fine on Sunday, but last night I slept like major shit, constantly waking up. No nightmares, though. I don’t even remember any dreams I might have had. All I know is that I took a Benadryl before bed and I woke up seemingly every 15 minutes. By the time I got up, I felt like I’d only slept a few hours if even that, and I felt like I had a Benadryl hangover like the stuff can sometimes leave you feeling. Now I’m just light-headed and fatigued, but that’s annoying enough. I have zero energy. I could barely bring myself to brush my teeth. With my shit luck, I’ll get my energy back a few hours before bed.

I’m just sick of this shit, but I feel helpless as far as what to do about it. I really don’t think there’s much I can do, as it’s just something every woman who goes through perimenopause has to deal with.

Despite how shitty and out of it I feel today, we had a fun and productive weekend. We did fun things and we did not so fun things in that they were things that needed to be done.

Tom dyed my hair for me and now it’s fried as hell. I’m going to have my layers trimmed soon and hopefully, that will make it look healthier.

We went for a bike ride early in the morning yesterday and I thought to myself, my God have I gotten this out of shape due to being too tired to work out so much of the time?

My legs felt weak and rubbery. I’m having more bad days than good these days where I’m not able to do as much, so yes, I have definitely been slacking off on working out. I just don’t have the energy anymore and I don’t know if I ever will again. I sure hope I will, but the longer I don’t, the more I lose hope of ever getting my old self back. I miss having energy most days!

After the bike ride, we changed the rats’ cage and after that, we went out and put a few of the color-changing solar lights in front after trimming some bushes. Bob and Virginia drove by and we waved to each other. Then the Twenties walked over and we chatted for a few minutes.

Jon talked to Tom and Carolyn talked to me for the most part. Carolyn and I exchanged numbers and I told her I would let her know if I saw anything suspicious while they were on vacation.

Jon said something about selling a house in Elk Grove and also looking for a part-time job. Good luck as older white bread.

They said they would be putting up cameras because of the way the place was to be tented while they were gone and the workers would have to have access to the house, which I was surprised to learn, not that they have anything valuable, so Carolyn says. I assured them we’ve vacationed twice since being here and nothing happened, so they should be ok, though the cameras are always a good idea. It’s what we do.

Carolyn said they’ve only been married for 8 years and talked a little bit about what Jackie told her and the work they had done. She said all the pounding must have driven me crazy and while I admitted it was a bit loud, I also understood that they had to do what they had to do and didn’t have much choice. I just hope this will be it for a while, LOL. We talked about landscaping plans and I joked that they were welcome to dig up our Cypress trees and take them.

They said we could come over sometime for coffee, and I think that’s pretty much it.

I was glad to hear from Marie yesterday. She said she had to pull back and recharge because her medication fucked her up, and if anybody knows what that’s like it’s me. Something called Wellbutrin for her ADHD and depression. It made her very angry and she cried a lot, she said, and the stupid doctors weren’t supposed to have given it to her anyway. I guess there’s a DNA test they do, and that was one of the drugs that were listed not to be given to her.

Sometimes I wonder if doctors can be trusted any more than cops can.

Then she said she was on a dating site and desperate and asked since she’s not big on writing if I would write a little bio for her. She said she’s not really good at listing her attributes, but she pretty much hasn’t changed since Valleyhead. Yeah, that’s probably part of her problem, LOL.

So I guess the chick in Oregon didn’t work out for her. I think long-distance relationships only work if it’s just for fun (like Nane and I) and you know you’re never going to meet and wouldn’t want to leave the one you were with in the first place anyway.

Anyway, I wrote the bio and we exchanged numbers.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 4, 2016 Got my first real period in two months. My stomach deflated like a popped tire after being so damn bloated. They say you have too much belly fat if your waist is over 35” and that it should be several inches smaller. Well, it’s currently right at 35”, but there’s no way in hell I could ever get it back in the 20s no matter how much I dieted and exercised. Been having more and more problems with heartburn lately, so if anything will keep the weight from going up, it’ll be that since I can’t quite eat as much. Thinking of giving up soda to see if that helps, even though I drink calorie and caffeine-free soda.

I was thinking about how Rachel said you could still have Hashimoto’s symptoms even with perfect numbers. Well, I still do in some ways. Not being able to lose weight is one of them, though I also know that part of that is being older and that we’re supposed to have a little extra cushion with age.

Chatted with Mr. Twenties while Tom added water to the car. They’re taking off for two weeks on the 11th for his 50th high school reunion in Iowa. They’re going to make a serious road trip of it and stop at places like Yellowstone. He really appreciated me telling him he didn’t look that old, LOL, and he doesn’t. He’s such a nice guy, too.

He said the workers are “almost” done, whatever that means, and that the place will be tented the week after they leave. So I take it the workers will be there all of next week?

Went to Walmart yesterday morning and as he was scanning items at the self-serve register, I glanced over at the self-serve register across from us… a petite, slender woman with dark gray curls swept to the side and almost to the shoulders. No makeup. Almost athletic in appearance… Doc O? Tom didn’t think so, though she does live pretty close to us.

Today we’ll be going to Sam’s. We’ve got several things we want to get done around the house as well. These damn popcorn ceilings haven’t been de-webbed since Andy’s visit in late 2014, so since he’s got the height, he’ll go around doing that while I shine the flashlight to illuminate the dust better.

We’re going to put in the solar color-changing ground stake lights we have, move the kitchen table back into the dining area, and drag my old desk out of his closet and into my bedroom so I can have a more comfortable daytime office.

I shoved the file box under the laundry room desk since he has a better plan for hanging the bikes in the area across from it where there used to be a freezer.

We also need to change the rats’ cages, and I want to dye my hair.

I’m so glad my life is better than what it was in my dreams last night! I slept horribly and am tired today. We were living someplace where we were keeping these bees of all things. The beehives were by the living room window. They slept inside the hives at night and in the daytime, they came out, but stuck close to their hives, never flying around the place or anything.

I was talking to Tom, wearing just my bra and panties, when I raised my voice a bit. I don’t know if I was laughing or angry, but it startled the bees into flying onto me. I wanted to scream in a panic but was frozen in fear. Luckily I woke up at that point!

Then I witnessed two women fighting. As they were beating the shit out of each other in the street, I grew nervous as they got closer to our place and was about to jump in and beat the shit out of both of them if they fucked up our flowerbeds, but then they split up and ran.

I also had weird dreams. I cut the back of the couch to find rats nesting inside it and a small box that had a fan in it I could hear and feel, but not see. Then someone told me they thought something was wrong with the pipe feeding water to Tammy’s bathroom sink while I was still trying to figure out the box “fan” and pull all the rats out of the couch.

Then I was talking to my parents about some beach for older folks and said, “But it’s not like your beach where you have just a few women and men that act civilized. This beach has about 50 women that do nothing but shout over each other all day long.”

Then I was on a beach that was fairly deserted and walking along the shore. Someone warned me that the undertow was especially strong at the moment, and it did seem that I had to struggle to keep from getting sucked offshore and into the big waves.

Next, I ran into Doc A. First, in real life she sent me the portion of the hormone results when I asked her for tips on lightheadedness. Yeah, but what do they mean? I guess this is her way of saying, “You’re perimenopausing. Deal with it!” LOL

In the dream, I picked up my Burkey boy and she saw me give him a big hug and kiss. She was both amused and disgusted. A split second later she was riding away in a 50’s pickup that was driven by some guy. It was one of those old vehicles that had one long seat in front. She sat close to the guy, turned to look out the strip of window behind her, and waved to me.

Lastly, I had a jail dream that was about the most fun any jail dream could possibly get. It’s like it wasn’t a jail, but more like a resort, country club or fancy hotel. The only thing you couldn’t do was leave the place or choose your own food. There were 4-5 people per room, which had regular windows and real twin beds. Not plastic-covered foam mattresses thrown on either concrete or steel shelves/benches. The beds were even adjustable.

All the “inmates” were friendly and civilized. They didn’t act like a bunch of teenagers or seem as smart as second graders.

You could have your cell phones and any prescription meds you were on sent to you there. I was to be there for 3 months, so I must’ve done something a lot more serious than writing some no-no, knowing our twisted laws. I didn’t seem to know Tom, but my parents were still alive. Only problem was that I couldn’t call them to ask for my thyroid meds and a loan for the shops they had because they had just changed their number and I couldn’t remember it.

Pissed that I hadn’t programmed their number into my phone, I set about finding some stationary to write to them. In one of the shops, I was given a sheet of paper by a young woman. Then she gave me a handful of “decorations” to fancy up the envelope with. I chose a shiny purple flower. Then I was given an assortment of envelopes to choose from and made my choice.

“That’ll be 30 cents,” she said.

“Oh no!” I said, “I don’t have any money yet. I just got here.”

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 3, 2016 Aly’s still crying about crying, saying she wonders how many calories you burn crying because it’s been that kind of day, crying herself to sleep and then for much of the day.

Just be sure to throw away any sane and dependable friends you might have. Only the crazy ones who, as you admit, have no empathy and can’t be trusted or relied upon worth shit, can make you “happy.”

When I think back to how she didn’t even put up a fight when I dumped her for a while for lying, I now realize it’s because she never wanted to be friends in the first place.

I once got an anonymous question on Ask asking how I would let go of someone who hurts me emotionally but is otherwise a good friend. This no doubt had to be from her, but not in regards to Kim as I first thought. I’d bet anything I was the one who “hurt” her emotionally by being honest.

Seriously, I don’t miss this moody lying bitch. I’ll miss her wisdom, her feedback, her advice, and just having someone to check in with regularly, but I definitely won’t miss much else.

Reading back in some of my old journals in order to do the Life by the Month project I’m doing has been interesting. I forgot that I met Mike, a guy I had a one-nighter with, through Jim P, the guy I cleaned houses for.

It also amazed me that I could go to a doctor’s appointment and spend the day at the beach with just two hours of sleep. Those days are long over.

I’ve got great story ideas right now. If only I could motivate myself to stick it out and write more content more often. In about a week that initial motivation usually wears off, so I wish I could write my stories faster before they get a chance to fade away along with my interest.

The workers arrived at 8:00 sharp yesterday morning as expected, but weren’t as noisy this time. They parked in front of the house since the trash bins were out along the side of their place and our carport, and I didn’t hear any fierce hammering. I can tell they’re not done yet. Even if they don’t tent the place, they need to paint.

They left at 11:30 and were gone for about an hour. Whether or not they returned, I don’t know because I went to bed. I’m sure they’ll be back Tuesday.

I dreamed that Tom and I or just myself must’ve been accused of something bad that was either in the media or had at least gotten around the neighborhood because one night he returned from the store all upset. Our house didn’t look like our house, as usual. There was a small table just inside the front door on which Tom placed a few bags. He left the front door cracked and I quickly shut and locked it in case anyone with ill intentions followed us home. He said something about telling someone that they didn’t know or understand what the “allegations” meant.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 2, 2016 Found Aly’s latest Twitter account through Kim’s seemingly favorite fan account dedicated to a local weatherman whom the 300+ pound nutjob has a hopeless crush on. If it weren’t for her craziness and shit personality I might almost feel sorry for Kim. Kim… well into her 30s and has no doubt never even been kissed.

Aly’s posted her handle on this fan account before in the bio section. Is she dumber than I thought or does she actually want me to find her? And why am I dumb enough to keep looking for her? Why am I still curious despite all the lies she’s told me, and the hurt and anger she’s put me through? I shouldn’t care about her any more than she cares about me. I’m sure I haven’t so much as even crossed her mind for a second since I last contacted her.

All of Kim’s accounts are protected, of course, and Aly’s tweeting the usual stuff… no one gets her depression, she wishes she had someone to talk to, she’s been waiting on her less-than-smart and less-than-reliable “friend” to do some email to someone together, and she just might have ruined a friendship. This last one was in regards to “wishing there was a depression filter for texting instead of a spellcheck or swear word filter.” No mention of me, though.

So not surprisingly, as there are a lot of intolerant people out there who lack compassion, she’s been dumped by someone who has a problem with her depression/clinginess but won’t hesitate to throw those away that did care.

Despite missing her occasionally and having an online friend to check in with regularly (sorry, but Rachel and Charlotte just aren’t Aly), get personal opinions from and share stories with, I don’t miss all the other drama. I remind myself every time I think of reaching out to her just to be rejected that she’s a liar, she’s two-faced, she misreads me, and she’s clingy. “I’d like to spend time with my husband” really means “I don’t give a shit” in her book and I can’t deal with that. That’s the kind of shit I used to get from Marie and it drove me crazy.

Still no sign of Marie, BTW. No idea what happened to her. Maybe her newest GF convinced her to dump everyone for her or some crazy shit like that.

The Twenties are still driving me crazy and making me sorry they moved in. If these projects are going to be a regular occurrence over there, then I want them out of here! Tom said they were done yesterday, but they’re not “done,” and my gut feeling is I’ve got another week or two of this shit.

Got a reply from Doc A. All she said was thanks for the heads up. Depending on how my appointment goes, I’ll decide if I should see Tom’s doc instead. He’s male, but since he’s that and Middle Eastern, there’s no waiting time, I could get in faster on emergencies, and he’s just 5 minutes away.

Last night I dreamed I was holding a cat in some large room. Tom was standing near me. We were to give it to someone. I don’t know if I kept the cat for a while, found it somewhere or what, but nearby was a dividing wall that was 7 or 8 feet tall. The cat squirmed restlessly and managed to wriggle out of my grasp. It started to climb this wall and I begged a woman who sat on top of it to please catch the cat for me.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 1, 2016 I hate this time of year. As a kid, September meant the end of summer and the return of school. Now it still means the end of summer, but it also means colder weather will be inching its way in and I’m not looking forward to it at all. I’m thrilled that the brats are back in school, but it’s only going to get colder and colder and the weather’s going to be mostly shitty until April. Should have some pleasant days in March, but the nights will still be cold, possibly even into May.

And then there’s the noise. Once the leaves start coming down every day, I’ll have to listen to those insanely loud blowers every goddamn day, not to mention other things. The Twenties are driving me crazy as it is with their very loud project and I’m already sorry they moved in. Figured God would make sure they were noisy. They are the second-closest house to us after all, though the house behind us is closer to my bedroom than they are. All that hammering for 8 hours a day for two weeks now, yet the place still looks the same. The bottom half of the wall on the side facing us is torn off. The hammering has been so damn loud that I can hear it on the other side of the house when in the bedroom with the sound machine on. I have a bad feeling it’s going to last another week or two, too. I just hope they’re not the project junkies Jesse was. I still hear every bit of it whether it’s a hired hand making the racket or themselves. There’s plenty more they could do, too. They could install a garage, redo the roof, add a sunroom in front, paint the place, etc. If they can’t shut up anytime soon, I’m going to push to have them moved. They’re just way too close to us for all this activity. I have lived in 5 states and never before this one have I heard so many loud projects being done so often. Carpet cleaning, hammering, sawing, chainsaws, wood chippers… and Saturday the park calendar suggests we may be back in the mainstream. Or at least feel like we are with 4 hours of base thumping when they have a live band here. Seriously, I didn’t come here for all this shit or the weather, which could be worse but still isn’t warm enough for my tastes, and I wonder just how many more years before we can move to Hawaii or Florida.

Soon someone will have to listen to our own loud carpet cleaning van. We really could use them out here, and I almost wish I didn’t get this sandy-colored carpet. If I had to start all over again I’d have dark or colored carpet in the bedrooms only, and the rest of the place would have laminate flooring.

We thought about what to replace some of these plants we want removed (if we can ever afford it) and I was thinking along the lines of cactus because it’s low maintenance. We know what we want to do by the carport, but aren’t sure about the other 3 sides.

Sometimes I wish we could afford to hire both housekeepers and landscapers, but even if we could, that wouldn’t work with my sleep curse, would it?

No lightheadedness, fatigue or earaches today or yesterday. I’m surprised but grateful that it backed off so soon after returning. Usually when it comes on it stays with me for a week or more.

Getting nervous, having more trouble sleeping and using lorazepam to help me sleep (hey, I might as well use what I’ve got left), as my appointments loom closer. Doc A is ignoring my message no doubt because she’s pissed at me, and I’m just worried that seeing her and the sleep doc is going to be a waste of time. Then again, that’s what I thought with Stacey.

I also worry that my dentist is going to uncover all kinds of problems.

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jadevine · 1 year ago

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Now for a key aspect that many people often ask about: Preindustrial ARMY travel times!

Update 1/31/2024: Let's make my post a nice little time-loop by adding the link to the current version of Post 1! I got a lot of great responses about people finding out that historical cities/towns are constantly 20-30 miles apart like clockwork, so I had to add a few paragraphs, lol. https://www.tumblr.com/jadevine/740984941240860672/the-pain-of-finding-typos-after-youve-pressed?source=share

Much of this information was explained by Bret Devereaux's article "How fast do armies move?" (https://acoup.blog/2019/10/06/new-acquisitions-how-fast-do-armies-move/)

A given preindustrial force will usually move at 8-12 miles per day (with the usual caveats of "fair weather and good roads"). Caveat: Exclude the Mongols and other extreme outliers.

Why are armies only covering half the distance of civilian travelers?

Captain Obvious' answer: BECAUSE A SOLDIER’S KIT IS HEAVY, MOTHERFUCKER. AND BARRING EMERGENCIES, EVERY COMMANDER WHO HAS MORE THAN TEN FIGHTERS AND MORE THAN TWO BRAIN-CELLS WILL HAVE A SHITTON MORE STUFF AND MORE PEOPLE TO DEAL WITH THAN THE SOLDIERS.

No, that’s not an exaggeration. A preindustrial force larger than 10-20 foot soldiers, or any force who expects to travel for more than a couple of days in VERY nice weather, will need 1) AT LEAST ONE CART OR WAGON to carry tents, firewood, food, and cookware, and 2) AT LEAST A FEW CAMP FOLLOWERS to actually set up camp.

You are NOT telling soldiers after a march to 'go hunting,' unless you're the God of Hunters' priest or best friend, and you can guarantee they'll GET SOMETHING GOOD, VERY FAST. And you’ll have to haul your kill back to camp and dress it! You probably shouldn't tell tired soldiers to 'go forage for mushrooms and berries,' either. Is it the right time of year? Do the soldiers KNOW how to find edible berries and shrooms? It's all fun and games until someone's puking, hallucinating, or dead.

(And that’s assuming they mean ACTUAL foraging in the ACTUAL wilderness, not the commonly-known euphemism of ‘foraging’ or ‘living off the land,’ which means “go find a village nearby and buy food if they’re agreeable, or steal it if they’re not!”)

As for that 8-12 miles per day, you may notice that this motley squad would either be traveling at a leisurely 1-2 miles per hour for 8-10 hours per day, or at 2-3mph… for only four hours!

Dear ones, this bears repeating: SOLDIERS WITH 40-50LBS OF GEAR CANNOT WALK AT A REGULAR PACE FOR A FULL DAY.

Romans did train soldiers for a double-march of about 20 miles for their infantry, but it REALLY wore them out. And even if they could manage 20 miles a day normally--a small group of fighters still need to keep pace with their wagon and camp followers, and a large group of fighters will be keeping pace with MULTIPLE wagons and A LOT OF camp followers!

Camp followers were always a chunk of a given army force, and in large enough numbers were noted to outnumber the actual combatants. So a small squad of 10 soldiers might be self-sufficient for local missions, but the moment they need to travel for longer than a day or two, and if they cannot expect to sleep right on the ground with a blanket, you'll need a supply wagon to carry all their camping gear, and then you'll need at least a few relatives/friends to help cook the food and set up camp.

If half to all of the soldiers bring at least one or two relatives/friends with them, you've got 5-20 extra people alongside this squad.

A larger force of 100 fighters and their commanders, on a full campaign of about 3 months? The soldiers bring their whole families, and the nobles their servants! So assuming fairly small families and small retinues of 3-4 extra people, which at least half of the fighting force brings, my low estimate is 150-200 camp followers in a total group of 250-300 people. Definitely a headache for logistics.

Bret says that Romans moved with a pack mule per 6-8 men, and large formations in the American Civil War moved with 20 wagons per 1000 men (or 1 wagon per 50 people), so this group of 250-300 TOTAL PEOPLE would need ~26-32 pack animals, or ~4-6 supply wagons.

Now there are advantages to pack-animals and wagons alike! Do you want a whole herd of smaller load-carriers that you need to keep eyes on, but who can travel in MUCH more varied terrain? Or do you want larger carts and wagons that are dreadfully slow, restricted to proper roads, and that need carters and their supplies tagging along for inevitable repairs? Pick your poison, hypothetical commanders!

Now for those wagons we keep talking about! They’re drawn by horses or oxen. Medieval wagons were not as big as the famous covered wagons of the American West, but most good horses and oxen can pull at least their own weight on wheels for a day; one horse that’s about 15 hands high and 1000lbs could pull 1000lbs in a cart for a day without too much strain, so (VERY BASIC SHORTHAND, THIS IS NOT HOW WAGON-DRIVING ACTUALLY WORKS) two good horses could pull a wagon of about 2000lbs per day.

But see, medieval army-wagons may NOT be loaded at full capacity unless that's for short-term storage (like food that's going to be eaten anyway). You need to cut a few hundred pounds to account for transporting the ill/wounded, camp followers who need a break or can't keep up with the soldiers, or children who DON'T WANT TO WAAAAAALK ANYMORRRRRRE.

You also need to account for the soldiers, who may toss their gear on top of the load, or climb in the wagon themselves because "fuck it, I don't want to WALK ANYMORE."

Also: Medieval wagons and carts were NOT comfortable rides. They don't have any suspension, which makes them shaky and LOUD. And sometimes carts did not have sides (because they were too small, or the owner too poor/indifferent), so you have to make sure that IMPORTANT cargo doesn't fall out (such as extra fighting gear, perishable food, and children/relatives).

Example: When Geralt of Rivia in The Witcher is getting literally carted to a merchant's home, because he's been poisoned and starts hallucinating, the merchant makes sure to stick him BETWEEN the cargo sacks, so he doesn't fall off. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zpt_VKxNNts)

Now, this is where things get REALLY "nitpicky:" Oxen were the main wagon-pullers and plow-animals until the horse-collar was invented; the harness that works fine for oxen would routinely choke a horse if loaded too heavily, or if the horse needed a fast pace. Once the horse-collar was invented and got rid of that problem, many people who could afford a horse decided to use their better speed and endurance to work MUCH longer and faster than an ox.

BUT! Having a pair of horses to pull your wagons doesn't matter much for armies; their wagons are already loaded with actual cargo, so you've got way too many people that can’t hitch a ride; MOST OF THE GROUP STILL HAS TO WALK.

Moreover, medieval “cart-horses” were not remotely the size of modern draft horses, as one of my posts about warhorses says. (https://www.tumblr.com/jadevine/732043691180605440/helpful-things-for-action-writers-to-remember) Most medieval horses were 14-16 hands, and horse BREEDS in general are a (early-)modern development. They happened partly due to the rise of nation-states wanting their own special horse breeds, and partly because we had the surplus food to make sure groups of horses get bigger.

Moreover, horses need to eat grain, and when you’re a commander desperately checking your pre-battle math, you need an incentive to feed that grain to horses instead of people. Remember how I said that warhorses usually needed 10-20lbs of grain per day for their high level of fitness and training? I eat 20lbs of rice in A MONTH. Wagon-horses won’t be as high-maintenance, but do you want to use 3-5lbs of grain EACH on a pair of non-cavalry horses every day? A pair of oxen will at least SURVIVE on just hay. Whether you mention "the wagon's horses" versus "the wagon's oxen" depends on 1) how wealthy your noble is, and 2) how you characterize them. Are they just too poor to afford wagon-horses, since their prized destrier already cost several times the price? Are they frugal enough to know that horses NEED to eat grain, but oxen don’t? Are they wealthy and high-minded enough to insist on wagon-horses despite their extra cost, because oxen are for peasants?

FOOD is a large part of why medieval army campaigns didn't last too long; "The Numberless Hordes" article (https://www.writing-world.com/sf/hordes.shtml) notes that most medieval campaigns lasted about three months / 90 days at a time. Remember my lowball estimate of 100 fighters having 150-200 camp followers? YOU try handling the food, clothing, and healthcare for 250-300 people for three months. During a war.

Why DO soldiers need all those camp followers, though? Soldiers surely know how to cook at least the basics of oatmeal or flatbread, and how to set up a tent, and they could probably grab some soap and wring their clothes out in the river a few times.

Captain Obvious' answer: THESE PEOPLE JUST FINISHED A DAY'S MARCH WITH A SHITTON OF GEAR. NOW YOU WANT THEM TO DO LAUNDRY AND COOK AND ALL THAT OTHER SHIT???

The camp followers were a drain on resources, but also VERY necessary to help with daily tasks like the aforementioned cooking and laundry, and animal care besides. Why animal care? This is not only for the cavalry's warhorses and wagon/pack-animals, but because preindustrial armies on long campaigns would bring herds of livestock with them--pigs and goats for meat, cattle for milk AND meat, and SPARE HORSES AND DRAFT ANIMALS in case the others get injured, die, or get stolen.

Soldiers already HAVE a job--and it is to fight. A soldier after a day's march will not have the time or energy to care for their gear, AND cook food, AND set up or strike camp, AND care for the wounded, AND milk the cows, AND do laundry. And with most people in medieval times being descended from laborers to start with, the soldiers likely got into the army to AVOID doing that shit all the time.

How much time do your camp followers need? Say one or two hours for the morning, and another two or three hours for the evening, because everyone's tired? There goes five hours!

And this is for a single fucking squad. Now times that by 100 soldiers (AND JUST INFANTRY, NOT MIXED GROUPS!!!) and you’re not going anywhere fast.

"But why would soldiers bring their families?" Folks might ask yet again. “War is dangerous.” Soldiers' wives, siblings, and older/teenage children would obviously be expected to work, but why bring infants and young children? They can't fight, can’t keep pace with adults, and they can't do civilian tasks yet. Why not leave them at home?

Well, to many soldiers, the army IS home.

What if you have nobody to leave them with? Childhood mortality was high, so the cousins and siblings you knew may be cut in half by the time you're grown and have your own family; sometimes you didn't have GOOD relationships with your extended family.

And what if the soldier just CARES about his family and wants them with him? Or what if his family wants to go with him? If you are going to fight, and especially if you are set for a VERY long journey away, would it not be easier if you could bring someone with you?

Commanders tolerated camp followers not only for their working value, but because NOT tolerating them had some ugly consequences. There are instances of commanders who ditched the camp-followers, or tried to ban them specifically because of the logistics nightmare they caused, and those guys were NOT popular.

Someone who insists on taking X amount of people from Y village and dragging them to danger, BY THEMSELVES? Will not be liked.

So, you could abandon your commander if you didn't like him.

Desperate people might abandon their squad. Especially if they're not a real "squad" of close-knit and RELIABLE companions that modern people often think of for modern professional armies, but more like "half-trained peasant conscripts with no stake in a noble's jumped-up squabble."

But most people would find it REALLY hard to abandon a wife and children, siblings or cousins, or their best friend from childhood that is BASICALLY a sibling. If you do that in a preindustrial society, you are socially dead and you will likely not be allowed to go back home.

And so might a soldier’s family insist on going because they don’t want to be WITHOUT him, or a soldier would fight harder if pressed by the enemy, because his loved ones are just a few miles away.

Note on “conscripts:” Some medieval regions DID have part-time militias, basic "train for X days a week/month/year" standards, or weapon requirements! Commoners might be conscripted as local defenders in desperation, but the wider myth of "battles were fought by untrained peasants with pitchforks and farm tools" (https://www.reddit.com/r/history/comments/fwelro/peasant_with_a_pitchfork/) would have been confused with the rebellions AGAINST nobles, or when desperate locals fight raiders.

A pitched battle involves a LOT of prep-time, as noted by my several pages of musing about only 10 soldiers. You do not waste this prep time by staking your army on terrified farmers and crafters. And if too many of them die, get disabled, or desert? There goes your harvest, your taxes, and your economy for next year.

Much like the “spices were used to disguise rotten meat” myth falls apart when you realize that MEAT AND SPICES WERE BOTH EXPENSIVE BACK THEN, and how MEDIEVAL PEOPLE HAVE TASTEBUDS, and how THERE WERE LAWS PUNISHING TRADESMEN AND COOKS FOR SELLING SPOILED MEAT (https://culinarylore.com/food-history:spices-used-to-cover-taste-bad-meat/), it would be incredibly risky for a commander to just grab a bunch of warm bodies and shove them on the battlefield with as little training/equipment as possible.

Morale and cohesion are important in any war, and how much morale does a peasant have? Can you trust someone you’ve never met before, is explicitly unwilling to fight, and (in some regions) is only expected to be a warmup enemy for “important people?”

So it was just as likely that your noble’s ten foot-soldiers are NOT barely-trained target practice for cavalry to mow down, but militia fighters with DECENT weapons and DECENT training.

As Bret notes in “Men of Rohan:” (https://acoup.blog/2020/05/22/collections-the-battle-of-helms-deep-part-iv-men-of-rohan/)

"[T]he social pressure not to let your friends and family down was extremely powerful. In a touching moment from the books that makes it perfectly on to the big screen, Merry sums up the pressure this creates, “as all my friends have gone to the battle, I should be ashamed to stay behind” (RotK, 81)." In a noble’s retinue especially, these ten men would either be from the same village, or a handful of them each come from neighboring ones. They would know each other (especially after several weeks/months of the campaign!), they know who has friends and relatives among the camp followers, and they are not likely to break ranks once the going gets tough.

Preindustrial travel, and long explanations on why different distances are like that

I saw a post on my main blog about how hiking groups need to keep pace with their slowest member, but many hikers mistakenly think that the point of hiking is "get from Point A to Point B as fast as possible" instead of "spending time outdoors in nature with friends," and then they complain that a new/less-experienced/sick/disabled hiker is spoiling their time-frame by constantly needing breaks, or huffing and puffing to catch up.

I run into a related question of "how long does it take to travel from Point A to Point B on horseback?" a lot, as a fantasy writer who wants to be SEMI-realistic; in the Western world at least, our post-industrial minds have largely forgotten what it's like to travel, both on our own feet and in groups.

People ask the new writer, "well, who in your cast is traveling? Is getting to Point B an emergency or not? What time of year is it?", and the newbies often get confused as to why they need so much information for "travel times." Maybe new writers see lists of "preindustrial travel times" like a primitive version of Google Maps, where all you need to do is plug in Point A and Point B.

But see, Google Maps DOES account for traveling delays, like different routes, constructions, accidents, and weather; you as the person will also need to figure in whether you're driving a car versus taking a bus/train, and so you'll need to figure out parking time or waiting time for the bus/train to actually GET THERE.

The difference between us and preindustrial travelers is that 1) we can outsource the calculations now, 2) we often travel for FUN instead of necessity.

The general rule of thumb for preindustrial times is that a healthy and prime-aged adult on foot, or a rider/horse pair of fit and prime-aged adults, can usually make 20-30 miles per day, in fair weather and on good terrain.

Why is this so specific? Because not everyone in preindustrial times was fit, not everyone was healthy, not everyone was between the ages of 20-35ish, and not everyone had nice clear skies and good terrain to travel on.

If you are too far below 18 years old or too far past 40, at best you will need either a slower pace or more frequent breaks to cover the same distance, and at worst you'll cut the travel distance in half to 10 or so miles. Too much walking is VERY BAD on too-young/old knees, and teenagers or very short adults may just have short legs even if they're fine with 8-10 hours of actual walking. Young children may get sick of walking and pitch a fit because THEY'RE TIREDDDDDDDDDD, and then you might need to stay put while they cry it out, or an adult may sigh and haul them over their shoulder (and therefore be weighed down by about 50lbs of Angry Child).

Heavy forests, wetlands and rocky hills/mountains are also going to be a much shorter "distance." For forests or wetlands, you have to account for a lot of villagers going "who's gonna cut down acres of trees for one road? NOT ME," or "who's gonna drain acres of swamp for one road? NOT ME." Mountainous regions have their traveling time eaten by going UP, or finding a safer path that goes AROUND.

If you are traveling in winter or during a rainstorm (and this inherently means you HAVE NO CHOICE, because nobody in preindustrial times would travel in bad weather if they could help it), you run the high risk of losing your way and then dying of exposure or slipping and breaking your neck, just a few miles out of the town/village.

And now for the upper range of "traveling on horseback!"

Fully mounted groups can usually make 30-40 miles per day between Point A and Point B, but I find there are two unspoken requirements: "Point B must have enough food for all those people and horses," and "the mounted party DOESN'T need to keep pace with foot soldiers, camp followers, or supply wagons."

This means your mounted party would be traveling to 1) a rendezvous point like an ally's camp or a noble's castle, or 2) a town/city with plenty of inns. Maybe they're not literally going 30-40 miles in one trip, but they're scouting the area for 15-20 miles and then returning to their main group. Perhaps they'd be going to an allied village, but even a relatively small group of 10-20 warhorses will need 10-20 pounds of grain EACH and 20-30 pounds of hay EACH. 100-400 pounds of grain and 200-600 pounds of hay for the horses alone means that you need to stash supplies at the village beforehand, or the village needs to be a very large/prosperous one to have a guaranteed large surplus of food.

A dead sprint of 50-60 miles per day is possible for a preindustrial mounted pair, IF YOU REALLY, REALLY HAVE TO. Moreover, that is for ONE day. Many articles agree that 40 miles per day is already a hard ride, so 50-60 miles is REALLY pushing the envelope on horse and rider limits.

NOTE: While modern-day endurance rides routinely go for 50-100 miles in one day, remember that a preindustrial rider will not have the medical/logistical support that a modern endurance rider and their horse does.

If you say "they went fifty miles in a day" in most preindustrial times, the horse and rider's bodies will get wrecked. Either the person, their horse, or both, risk dying of exhaustion or getting disabled from the strain.

Whether you and your horse are fit enough to handle it and "only" have several days of defenselessness from severe pain/fatigue (and thus rely on family/friends to help you out), or you die as a heroic sacrifice, or you aren't QUITE fit enough and become disabled, or you get flat-out saved by magic or another rider who volunteers to go the other half, going past 40 miles in a day is a "Gondor Calls For Aid" level of emergency.

As a writer, I feel this kind of feat should be placed VERY carefully in a story: Either at the beginning to kick the plot off, at the climax to turn the tide, or at the end.

Preindustrial people were people--some treated their horses as tools/vehicles, and didn't care if they were killed or disabled by pushing them to their limits, but others very much cared for their horses. They needed to keep them in working condition for about 15-20 years, and they would not dream of doing this without a VERY good reason.

#writing reference #medieval warfare #preindustrial

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